Mean Boys - EP 126 - Fat Midnight (feat. Brandie Posey)

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour:  [bit.ly/2vZBsQV](bit.ly/2vZBsQV) Support the show on Patreon: [patreon.com/meanboys](patreon.com/meanboys) This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Did They Die", "Mark Malloy: Infinity War", "The Tom-story Of Mother's Day", and a game of "Which of the Following" with superhero teams by @DeathToTheFilth. Listen to Brandie's podcast [Lady to Lady](https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/lady-to-lady/id578706812?mt=2) Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: [reddit.com/r/meanboys](reddit.com/r/meanboys) Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: [goo.gl/JWBAJK](goo.gl/JWBAJK) Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by [Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California](eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Brandie Posey on Twitter: [twitter.com/brandazzle](twitter.com/brandazzle) Follow the show on Twitter: [twitter.com/meanboyspodcast](twitter.com/meanboyspodcast) Follow Keith on Twitter: [twitter.com/keithtellsjokes](twitter.com/keithtellsjokes) Follow Connor on Twitter: [twitter.com/connormcspadden](twitter.com/connormcspadden) Follow Tom on Twitter: [twitter.com/gossgoss6](twitter.com/gossgoss6) Visit us on the web: [meanboyspodcast.com](www.meanboyspodcast.com) Like us on Facebook: f[acebook.com/meanboyspodcast](www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast) Follow us on Instagram: [instagram.com/meanboyspodcast](instagram.com/meanboyspodcast) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. M-m-m-m-mean boys. Yeah, we got Brandy Posey in the studio this week. A very fantastic guest. Yeah, let's do everything. It's an AM radio ad for a truck ride. We're repeating the word. Yeah.

Now, Brandy came to the studio. Super funny lady. Listen to the Lady to Lady podcast that she does with former guests of the show, Barbara Gray and Tess Barker. The link for that will be in the show notes. Yes, it will. Yeah, and oh shit, fucking the new iTunes challenge, 400 reviews. Keith's mom comes on the show.

And again, this will be- And then I come on Keith's mom. And the circle is complete. You have not hurt nearly enough people with a screwdriver to fuck my mom. I can do a little catch up. I can do a cry and cram for that test. Start shanking people. Yeah, no, we would love to bring my mom on.

Thank you guys for leaving iTunes reviews. Thank you to everybody who's joined the YouTube channel. We've been getting a lot of new traction. Anybody who came over from our Drew Lynch roasting video. Yeah, yeah. Willkommen. Yeah, let's try to do one thing at a time, and then you can talk about a video that's not even on our platform.

Oh, never mind. I'm kidding. Cool. Well, fuck me for trying. It's fine. Go ahead. Iceice ice oldie writes this is a great podcast love the show also i'm gay so i know good shows i like that review i feel like you're mad at me now i'm not mad okay not mad at all all right well no you're fine you're gonna be pretty mad when i fuck your mom with a screwdriver thanks to starburns audio for having us on the Luchino Podcast Network.

My mom's been an AA for five years. She already got fucked by enough screwdrivers. Yeah, so also shout out to the Sklar Bros. They're up to a new special. Go watch that. That's not on our platform, though. We've been on Facebook. I was just trying to get the reviews out of the way. I know.

And you were like, oh, that reminds me. I found the quarter earlier. No, I said thank you for the reviews and all the interaction. I was trying to encourage fan interaction because it's the one thing that's given us a show. No, no, it's not. The one thing that's given us a show is the California mental health care system from the year 1993 to 2015. That is what we owe the show to. Fair enough.

Also, Studio Headphones. Go to studiosweden.com and use promo code Mean Boys Podcast for some fantastic audio equipment and invest in something you're going to use every day. Also,

Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The other thing I owe most of the content on this show to. And most of the content of my body. Yeah, yeah.

Just fattening foods. Without them and anti-psychotics, we'd be pretty boned, gang. Thanks, fucking Valium and carbohydrates. Yeah, yeah. Just fattening foods. Yeah. Without them and anti-psychotics, we'd be pretty boned, gang. Thanks, fucking Valium and carbohydrates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and also Patreon. Still rocking and rolling.

Five bucks a month. Weekly bonus content. We just dropped one with all the roomies. Oh, one of the best we've ever done. Opie, Ramsey, everybody had a good time. Take a racially insensitive journey to Skirmaderma with us. Oh, yeah, yeah. And 10 bucks a month gives you a monthly goody.

We did some Fuck Everything, God is Dead bottle openers. We'll announce what we're doing this month pretty soon. And when we get to $2,000 a month, which is a scant $629 away, we'll do another fucking snark week. God help us all. Yeah. And, yeah, I'll fucking get depressed for three months again. Yeah, ruin Connor's life for $600. If you want to see me go through another breakup, you fucking like, share, and subscribe, kids.

Also, real quick, back to the YouTube thing. Oh, no, we don't talk about that. No, yeah, we don't talk about that. Never speak of the YouTube channel. The rest of the vlogs are coming out, and we're pretty much putting out a new video every week. So it is worth subscribing. To those of you who listen to the show and haven't subscribed, please subscribe. We have a lot of cool shit.

Yeah, and we have some bunch of shit planned. Yeah, yeah. And fucking follow us on Instagram and Twitter, all that shit, and help legitimize us. Just tap a couple buttons, you know, do your boys a solid. And I think that's it. We might be going. We are going to be going on the road. We're going to be in Vegas and Denver later this month, maybe Salt Lake City.

If you're in Salt Lake City and you want a show, let us know. Because we're not sure it's viable at this point, but we would like to go. So hit us up and jump on the old tour sheet. It's in the Twitter bio. It'll be in the show notes. And let us know where you guys are, because we're going to be doing a lot more touring later in the year. If you're in Northern California, I'm going to be up there

at the end of May. So if you're in Sacramento, Santa Cruz, Blue Lake, Ukiah, or what the fuck is the other one? I don't know. I don't know. Well, those are the ones of May. So if you're in Sacramento, Santa Cruz, Blue Lake, Ukiah, or what the fuck is the other one? I don't know. I don't know. Well, those are the ones I know.

Check out my Facebook and whatnot, and I'll be posting dates for that very, very soon. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's it. Everybody enjoy this week's podcast with the wonderful Brandy Posey. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm not gay, my butt just keeps giving out blowjobs.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Brandi Posey. Oh, yeah. Do I not do that? Do I not do that? No, you're fine

You're supposed to go, and I'm And then I was going to call you the cool mom at a real big fish concert It's all good And I'm I love how excited you were to finally drop that butt blowjob thing We workshopped last night Oh yeah, we did like 20 minutes of that on the patio outside Well yeah, we were talking about

It was like butt sex and invading countries And then Keith was like, I don't know about arming the Kurds, but I'll harm the turds. And we just did this whole bit about like Thanos is pillaging the planet and then just turds are hiding in the corner like, oh no, it's Keith. He's come for us at last.

Hold me close. Like, you know, like there's like Pompeii preserved fossilized turds after your rampage. He's a gold metal dick with five jewels around the rim. Yeah, yeah. Dude, have I ever told the story about when you left your cock ring in my room? Hi, Brandy. I don't know why more women don't want to do the show.

Like I said. I don't know if you have told. It's not even that much of a story. I just left it in your room because I had sex in your room. Yeah, yeah. Well, I like. Classic roommate shit. Yeah.

Well, yeah. He told me I could. Like, I wasn't like. Yeah, I'm a good guy. It's a episode i remember when joey did that to chandler it was just for you or the monkey oh my god i'm joey you're chandler tom is somehow the dog from frazier yeah i don't know that i got home like two hours earlier than i was expecting and like he's my music i was so fucking wiped i was on a military base on an island like i just want to go to bed and i walk in my room

And there's just a big sticky cock ring And I wasn't thinking I picked it up I said big, it's flattering to you Of course it's sticky, it was inside a human being I don't think you know how that works I do though, I've used several cock rings Anyway, so I pick it up

And I'm like, what the hell is this? It was a cereal from the morning Discarded chips ahoy Yeah, so Keith starts the up and I'm like, what the hell is this? What you saw was his cereal from the morning. Yeah, it was just discarded chips ahoy. Yeah, so Keith starts the day with a bowl of cock rings. He goes and he gets a gallon of cum out of the fridge and he just shakes it up, he pours it in and punches away. Yeah, I don't want to be buying cum on food stamps anymore. Yeah, I mean, why do you think his teeth look like that? He's eating metal every morning.

It's a good amount of iron and protein, though. That's healthy. I got that going for me. Yeah, yeah. Lord knows he doesn't get enough protein. The one part of it I do remember is you just angrily going, come on, and then just seeing the cock ring fly out of the room. And just clattering criminatingly across the kitchen floor.

Yeah, like a scene from The Horny Odd Couple. I've gotten real good at talking myself out of bad situations. There's no coming back from that one. There's really not. I'm like, I'm going to'm gonna take the l i'm gonna go outside for 45 minutes and then see if we're still friends when i come back in yeah that shit was just so it was just like of all it just like i got inside and i was like of course you know you were having the worst day no yeah there's just like you know empty boxes of falafel and like candles that like were burning everywhere and i was just like oh of course this is how keith fucks i forgot i mean i'm okay with

knowing that it happened i just don't like seeing oh, of course, this is how Keith fucks. I forgot. I mean, I'm okay with knowing that it happened. I just don't like seeing the evidence of it. Some sort of weird Persian warlord about a fire and food. Brandy Posey's back on the show, everybody. I'm excited. Back on the show. Oh, I did your live show. Yeah, you did the worst show we ever did.

The sold out one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was packed. Four people. Yeah. It was crazy. And now, I mean, now it's like 15 people when we go. Yeah, there are literally as many people on this show as there were at that show.

Yeah, for sure. I don't think I've ever felt worse for a guest because I was like, yo, it's going to be a packed show. Bring your merch. I know you're going to Vegas in the morning, but it is worth the drive. Yeah, and then it took me like six months to Venmo you like $20 in gas money because I was just like, hey, Brandy, shit's tough right now. All right, I really respect you. shit's tough right now. All right. I really respect you. We appreciate the time.

You were fantastic. Can you give me a long time to get you the amount of money it costs to buy two packs of cigarettes? Because things are a nightmare. But, I mean, look at us now. We've got an air-conditioned crack house full of curtains with weird satanic buttons on them. Everything's going great, guys. No, everything's fine. You guys have two working computers. I'm proud of you.

Or microphones that I think are plugged in. It's great. Making it happen. This one is actually just a tin can with a string attached. This show actually broadcasts lives on the fillings the government put in Tom's teeth. It requires a lot of technology. You've got a podcast called Lady to Lady,

which is very, very good, and a live show called Picture This where animators will draw shit as comedians are doing their bits. It's very lot of technology. You've got a podcast called Lady to Lady, which is very, very good, and a live show called Picture This, where animators will draw shit as comedians are doing their bits. It's very, very cool. Oh, thank you. I say that. I've never seen it ever in my life, but it sounds awesome. I went to that for the first time recently. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You were just there a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, when DeDorian was on it. Yeah, yeah. It was fucking super cool. Yeah, it's a really bad show. I always wanted to go. Yeah, it sounds fucking cool. I'm just like, when I think about the logistics of that, I'm like, I had a tough time

finding seven news articles where people died in silly ways. I don't know how you pull all of that together. I mean, I got a producer. She handles most of it. I just try to show up.

She's the credit. Yeah, no, we have the same relationship. I'm just the face of the operation. Exactly. I know, yeah. I'm the less talented one

who has to learn what an XLR cable is. Yeah, exactly. You know how to plug things in. Yeah, it's pretty whack, dude. I got to like twist some knobs until it kind of sounds okay, and then it fucks up every fifth episode. I also do stuff.

Yeah, Tom's around. He's in the mix. He's the muscle. Yeah. How you been, man? You've been quiet today. Oh, I'm just enjoying all these riffs and rafts, man. You guys are a rollicking.

Boy, aren't you glad? Aren't you glad you asked? Did you drive to the east side for this? Ours are good leather. It's not San Diego. It's fine. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm expecting $20 after the podcast

or six months from now. Awesome. Yeah. I'm going to go outside for a minute. Patreon ain't doing that well. All right, kiddo. I've got to Google how much I can pawn a cock ring for.

For sale cock rig worn a lot. Oh, a lot oh man i could earn his 40 way yeah i had a i i i had a i had a kerfuffle with a gal because i bought a vibrating cock ring because i i got one for free at the pleasure chest when i did that show one time and i tried i was like oh this is fun i was like i'll buy one of these and then i brought it over and i like took it out of the package and i put the batteries in she's like were you gonna fuck me with a used cock ring i was like no it's brand new i promise i just didn't want to come and undo nothing's like unsexy than doing clamshell packaging in the bedroom like if you think that like a spotify ad kills the mood try fucking hey do you have scissors is there are they in the drawer the other drawer like why do they make this so hard to open yeah yeah and i was like i thought i'd come prepared. And she's like, you're going to fuck me with a used cock.

And I was like, smell it. It's fine. Smell it. Also, they're not disposable. Yeah. Yeah. You don't just have to buy a new one every time. No, that's not how cock rings work.

Well, I know. It's an investment. Yeah. Well, it's like, hey, I'm going to inherit my dad's. I have no problem with it. Yeah. Fourth generation cock ring. Yeah.

Tom puts it on. He becomes invisible. And he's like, oh, I'm going to have to go on a quest for this. Have you done these shows where they're just paying people in sex toys, though? thing. Yeah, Tom puts it on and he becomes invisible and he's like, I'm going to have to go on a quest for this. Have you done these shows where they're just paying people in sex toys, though?

Yeah. What's the weirdest thing you've ever gotten? Just vibrators is usually all I get. I got a flashlight once. That was weird. Yeah.

Because I got there late so they were like out of the good model so they're like, you can have the butthole or the clear one. What'd you go with? I went with the butthole.

The clear one is horrifying. Do you want an avatar blowjob or plane? Well, the clear one is like, okay, what if you go with I went with the butthole the clear one is horrifying do you want an avatar blowjob or plane well the clear one is like okay what if you were like jerking off but also you could see your wiener I'm like that's just jerking off

yeah it's like going on one of those boats with a window in the bottom so you can see the fish you're just like oh jeez this is not worth the grip on I have glass bottom loneliness

never gotten a sex toy I have gotten a lot of swords doing shows dude what shows are you doing I for sure need some swords that'd be fun as fuck yeah this gal came over last night

and I was showing her your domicile and I was like oh she's like is that a knife and I was like it's one of several knives I've never bought it a blade

but thank you to all the Mean Boys fans who keep giving them to me it's become a running thing on the road where like our fans will give me cigarettes him swords

and then just kind of sexually harass Connor no someone walked up i gotta say thank you by the way at my show in san diego last night someone just walked up i think it was callie velasquez it looked a lot like her but i don't know uh just gave me a richard nixon souvenir tiny penny and then a handwritten witch of the following that heavily implied that i'm gay and poor so we got the best fans in the world you guys i'm i'm not poor until three weeks what because i i've had like a little bit of money and i just so how many jackets have i purchased in the last 48 hours keith very good it's a fucking lot of jackets i need to buy some shoes i haven't gotten like shoes that i bought in like five years yeah you're wearing like these weird like like mom like

running shoes yeah my sister stole for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, great. It wasn't weird. She worked there. No, that's still weird. Yeah, and that's kind of worse.

She doesn't work there anymore. I wonder why. All right. It's better than found shoes. I thought you were just finding shoes. I've done that, too. Well, all right. Tom finds clothes a lot.

That is just a trust call with the world. I mean, they're abandoned shoes. We were at Universal City Walk with Kyle Clark last night, and there was just a pair of baby shoes just left behind on a trash can, and I'm like, someone's going to take these, but they're not there because everything went great. Remember, we were walking down Fairfax, and I found a really cool shoe that was my size,

but it was only one of them. And I was like, do I take it? Yes, of course. You never know when you're going to lose that leg. It's fine. Oh, dude. Come on. Imagine, I feel like being a peg leg in shoe shopping.

You're like, okay, can I just buy? I know it's weird to just buy a shoe, but what do you do with the other one? Do you find a partner with your size, and you guys just team up who's missing the other leg you know i'm that's gonna be my fucking business model is i just pair up amputees with corresponding feet and they buy like jordans together it's not the worst idea i've ever heard it's near the top of the worst idea yeah well do you have like a lawn a bitcoin laundromat or something like that i like that one oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still working on the paperwork for that. Anyway, we're all fired up. This is a lot more cock ring discussion than I was anticipating.

Let's get into our opening segment, the Mexican joke off, everybody. Hi, so topical. Woo! Oh, jeez. I'll take us away this week. In terms of Connor half-assed the joke off, this is like a pretty legendary week. I want to go through and see when the last time we did an episode where you didn't start off by saying,

no, I didn't try this week. Oh, no, I know. Every single time. Pat Barker gave me the perfect amount of shit for it, but I'll take this away. A Washington State nurse is accused of stealing drugs and intentionally infecting patients with hepatitis C. I've heard of naughty nurses, but this is ridiculous. You really didn't try this week. I take it of naughty nurses, but this is ridiculous. Oh, you really didn't try this.

I take it back. This is some cried wolf shit. Yeah, it's not great. It's all just dice, clay, and but this is ridiculous. It's all five of them. I have bad news for you. There's another this is ridiculous comment. Oh, hell yeah.

Perfect. Yeah, let's do it right now. I'm going to work up to that level this week. A woman was fined for microwaving a bottle of her own urine at a 7-Eleven. I've heard of a big gulp of squirt, but this is ridiculous. All right. That was better than mine for sure. That's a low bar to clear.

Nice one. All right. Okay. Ariane de Grande tweeted for an hour about how amazing the eighth planet in our solar system is. Because boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, but pop stars go to Neptune so they don't get shot by goons. Damn. That was a woke-ass

solar system joke. Jesus Christ. Wait, she was just tweeting about Neptune? She tweeted about Neptune for literally an hour. People were like, why are you doing this? And she's like, it's cool. Yeah, yeah. And then there's a bunch of people who are like, I'm never going to hold my daughter again.

I know. It showed up in my Twitter news story and I was like, fuck the world. Dude, the Twitter news stories, it's always just like, these Tibetan yarn artists are fighting back against Donald Trump. Big Sean just named his dog something and you won't believe it. And it's like gas attack in Yemen. Everybody died. Everyone killed with acid.

Kanye bought a hat. You guys know Neptune was also like a Roman water Pokemon or whatever the fuck it was. A god. A water god. Roman water Pokemon. What are you, like Roman gods or Pokemon?

It's kind of what it's like. We got a rock one. We got a fire one. We got a lightning one. We're fucking Pokemon. The original name was Fucks Little Boys in the Astois. They were gay back then. Oh, history.

Oh, God. Sodomy charge. We came a long way, then we went all the way back, and now we're going there again. A filmmaker died when a giraffe head-butted him in the head. A giraffe was heard saying, You ignored my head shot. Good luck ignoring this head shot. Oh, man, dude. What the hell? You really snuck your neck out on that giraffe.

Yeah, man, I thought my joke was bad, but this is ridiculous. Just remember the Roman God Pokemon thing and how we all had fun with that. You're hilarious when you're not trying to make it. We had like four different people send us that giraffe headbutted someone's story where they're like, you need this. We have an alert for violent nonsense.

Look, I did it for them. You happy people, this is what happens when you ask me to do something and I try to do it for you. Now we're all sad. Yeah. Look at it. Feel it.

Feel the sadness. It's like the line. Are you fucking sad? Okay, Tom, you're going to keep saying something that's not funny for a long time and then we're losing the moment. Hear how sad Connor is. Sorry, go ahead. No, no, it's not going to be able to follow that. Should I just let you go?

I don't know why now I tried to coach you up on broadcasting like that's ever helped. I'm like a loudness Pokemon. Well, we're 80 episodes deep. I think we know why now I tried to coach you up on broadcasting like that's ever helped. Well, we're 80 episodes deep. I think we can train him now. The idea is that you're bad at it. That's the good part. People come for my missuccessings. Failure. My missuccessings?

You guys get it. Alright, guys. Newly discovered fossil evidence in New Mexico suggests that Ice Age hunters were tracking and hunting giant sloths. If you want to follow a big slow monster around, sign up for our email list and find out when Tom Goss is coming to a city near you. There's like an

eight foot Bigfoot sloth. That should have sounded so scary. That's too much sloth. I also like that you just said sloth and me and Tom both were like, which one of us is kidding? Both of you just like tensed up a little bit. There's become a Pavlov thing where anytime a large animal or some sort of

disease-ridden mother is in the light, I'm like, alright, here we go. I don't know that I've ever hooked up with a woman who didn't have a bunch of pictures of cute sloths on her iPhone. That's just my demographic. It's that and Doctor Who fans. So I gotta give a shout out to the sloth community. Sloths can swim pretty well

do you guys know that here's the thing i don't even know the dumbass animal i do the sloths swim they're very they're dude they're in the sky they're on the ground they're in the water they are i think you just saw ray romano in a pool didn't know that he wasn't even the voice of the sloth. Swim like motherfuckers. You're like, I'm not right. You're just trying to teach people about nature. You remember zoo books?

You're like a Steve Irwin's kid got fucking stung in the brain by this thing. I just want to see Tom Goss' zoo books. Where he's making up shit about animals. Yeah, zebras are allergic to gluten. It's the stingray. I just want to see Tom Goss' zoo books. Where he's making up shit about animals. Yeah, zebras are allergic to gluten. It's the white part. I'm betting 1,000 on animal facts on this podcast. I know you forget it. I just don't know you're wrong, but I don't...

Anyway. I can't do this with you again. A tourist who went to India to cure a depression was kidnapped and beheaded. So, like, I guess technically it worked. You can't be sad if you don't have a head. That's, like, the main thing. Yeah, that's, like, the whole part of it.

Yeah, the headless horseman, he just never had a bad day. Iqbal Crane, straight up, is jolly. He wrote a book with Tim Ferriss about life hacks. I don't know who Tim Ferriss is. I know. I bet he can't swim like a motherfucker, though. He's the opposite of you in every way. He's a very productive man that people look to for guidance.

I used to hate listening to his podcast. He's so... Oh, it's good. Like fucking douche chills. Oh, man. Just starts every episode with like a new Japanese word that he just learned. It's truly insane. He's just the worst white person.

I mean, I'm not going to pretend like I wasn't into him when I was like 16 because I was like, I'm going to start my own car wash company and fucking retire at 38. One of the highlights of my life is buying a copy of The 4-Hour Body or whatever, like his big book about bettering your life and then railing a Vicodin off it. Yo, did you really do that? I really did. It was the same night somebody did coke off a David Sedaris book in my house. Wait, did you snort a Vicodin?

Why would you do that? Just for the party? Just for the funsies? Yeah, it hits you harder. Because I didn't have any oxy. That's why. There you go. I used to be a bad boy. Yeah, thanks, Starburns.

Tom knows sloths. I know pharmaceuticals. Yeah, that's the division of labor. Me, I'm the wild card. I've got Yu-Gi-Oh facts and boring anecdotes. I'm pharmaceutical too. We know. It didn't work.

John McCain. John McCain doesn't want Donald Trump to attend his funeral, according to the New York Times. In response, Donald Trump was quoted as saying, quote, I only like funerals of people who don't die. Damn, that was a good one. I saw that. I was like, that is such an unnecessarily bitch thing for John McCain to have said, and I love it so much. It's my favorite thing that he's ever done.

You're not invited to my birthday party, Donald. I mean, granted, sure. John McCain is like, he's like Loki in the Avengers, where I'm never quite sure if he's a good guy or a bad guy. Exactly. He flips teams every two weeks. Little bitch. If you're a piece of shit

and you do one mildly decent thing, the curve is set so much higher. It's like, wow, Steve-O isn't killing anybody. He's doing great. He's not huffing whipped cream 24 hours a day. That's his back tattoo.

Not that I... I'm actually really proud of Steve-O. I want to make that clear. I also don't appreciate disparaging the Whippet community. Oh, it's me. Yes, it is. DJ called... Sorry, DJ College said he refuses to eat his wife's hole.

That's terrible. I wonder if his wife knows. Wait, what? Here's what he did. You confused everybody and you called pussies holes. Like it's a young adult novel. Oh, caveman, huh? That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard you say.

Yeah, there's a lot of stiff competition there. Why would he eat Courtney Love? I don't understand. Oh, yeah, DJ Khaled actually wrote all the songs in that first album. All right, guys. Human Rights Watch claims that Saudi Arabia has detained thousands of people for up to a decade with no trial. The organization is calling it the Getting Stuck in a Conversation with Green Day with Keith Carey of Zoo Process. Shut up.

They're great. That was too many words for me. Yeah. After my long evening. All right. Well, I'll try a different version of what Tom talked about here. DJ Khaled said in an interview that he doesn't eat pussy. Not whole.

Pussy. He said in an interview he doesn't eat pussy. When asked why, he said he already gets his wife wet enough with all the sweat from his gross fat tits. Man, this is an anti-body shaming podcast. Fuck yeah, man. It's fat girl. By that, I mean stop taking my one bit.

All right? I'm down to one. It's a bummer. I'm just like, the fat guy rule book is we don't not do that. Yeah, that's part of your whole fucking appeal. Yeah, first roll of fat club. If it's your first night, you got a munch. I don't understand why everyone was mad at him.

Like, obviously, his wife knows. She's not complaining about, like... Here's the thing. Another thing about DJ Khaled's wife, she looks exactly like Rachel Dolezal. I thought you were going to say she looks exactly like him. No, no, no. He was just DJ Khaled in a wig. I straight up thought it was Rachel Dolezal for a minute.

Oh, God. Those two would deserve each other. Absolutely. Goddamn. Okay, I've got one, God. Those two would deserve each other. Absolutely. Goddamn. Okay. I've got one, too. DJ Khaled broke the internet this week by declaring that he doesn't go down on his wife but expects her to go down on him because he is, quote, the king.

Donald Trump heard the news and has asked the White House staff to start referring to him as your majesty. Because you know Donald Trump for sure doesn't need pussy. Yeah. They don't serve pussy at McDonald's. Ooh, I want a number 69. I think Donald Trump eats pussy,

but he's really bad at it, but he thinks he's really good at it. You think I'm Donald Trump? I think Donald Trump eats ass, but he thinks he's eating pussy. Now I'm just imagining him just eating a cat like a hamburger. I went down to the girl's house. Is Donald Trump elf to you? Now I'm just imagining him just eating a cat like a hamburger. He's like, this is... I went down to the girl's house.

Is Donald Trump elf to you? Well, Ramsey's really into him. That would rule just racist elf. Lock the cats up. President Gordon Shumway trying to build the space wall. All right, boys, they don't get better. The Swedish officials announced that their Swedish meatballs aren't actually a Swedish dish. The Pope followed up saying that child butt isn't actually a Catholic dish.

Jesus, okay. What are you doing? Yeah, I mean, you could have at least thrown in, like, the word delicacy to make it sound smart. I've never sounded smart. I't know you've sounded i mean you know a lot about slots dude he knows the slowest animal yeah okay a 13 year old boy suffering from a severe brain injury regained consciousness just moments after his parents signed away his organs he was trained just enough cognitive function to tearfully learn about the hospital's no takesies backsbacksies policy. Oh, shit.

There's like one hand already in getting the kidney. Oh, this is awkward. The guy's going to take it out and the thing buzzes and he's like, oh, I lost again. Like the game, you know? Parker Brothers. Yeah, operation.

Yeah, everybody gets it. Hawaii was rocked by the eruption of a long dormant volcano. Citizen turned for direction to a befuddled Jimmy Buffett. I wrote that joke in a Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville last night. Yeah, that's like your like fucking birthright trip is when you go to Margaritaville

with Kyle Clark. Me and Kyle went to Margaritaville on Cinco de Mayo last night. We're the pope of bad white people. Oh, that's fucking rules. There was this band playing. It was all these 16-year-old kids, and they were just doing Mumford and Son covers with an accordion and a violin, and we were just

mercilessly shitting on them about three feet from their families who kind of kept giving us this look like, yeah, we know, but come on. Why are you guys here? We have to be here. The funniest thing was there was this one girl there who clearly was a friend and in love with one guy, the accordion guy of all people in the band. Oh, that's so funny. And she was just in front of the stage just feeling it, just like hands on the heart, dancing.

And you just see this kid playing the accordion violently trying to avoid eye contact. He's just like, no, Stacy, we tried once at Bible Camp. It didn't work. Please stop coming to the show. Man, one time when me and Nathan Camp and Evan Cassidy did a road gig

in like 2013, we fucking, we're walking down the streets of like downtown like Visalia, like just the worst possible, and we see these two girls that are being hit on

by these two like folk musicians, you know, and they have like fake English accents and this guy's got like an accordion around his chest, and we just went and shit on him for like 10 minutes and hung out

with the girls for the rest of the night. I remember that. That was the night that our buddy JJ Pazos filmed Nathan eating pussy, which was one of the cruelest things I've ever seen in my life. That was pretty rough, man. Yeah, I wake up the next morning, and this guy, he's insane. He's an insane person. I've not talked to him in years, but he walks over to me

and he's like, hey man, look at this video video and i'm like what this is that the hallway earlier and it's like if they made a cloverfield movie and then and i'm just and i'm just like i see nathan's bald head i was like what i didn't he's my friend i didn't want to see this and he found out about he just yelled at him for like five hours down the grapevine same dude who got drunk at my house one time got a concussion like fell in my bathtub we call the EMTs and like

a lady EMT is working on him and she's like okay I need you to keep your eyes open she's like asking him like you know concussion questions

and she goes sweetheart the men are talking and I swear she just goes cool man and then just left oh my god

and that's why he can't do math yeah or this show. Yeah. It's a tremendous piece of shit. Jesus Christ. Leave your brain to science.

Yeah, exactly. Just leave your brain in a fucking gutter. Am I up? Yeah. Oh, okay. The first photos of Prince Louis were released this week, reminding the world that when we finally rise up and eat the rich, we should start with their cute little baby thighs. Dude, you got the whole point of the podcast across in that joke because we're all about

being woke but doing it through cannibalism. Absolutely. Because we're just like, we want to have the right opinions, but there's going to be a dead kid involved. For sure. That would make child murder kind of adorable. Yeah. Raise the minimum wage and something about pedophiles.

A joke is just like, oh, I want to be a dad, but not like a good one. A distant one where you read about your kid being eaten. My word. This nanny's getting a pay cut. A woman killed herself in front of a Walmart. The spill will be cleaned sometime in mid-June. Really harsh indictment of the Walmart Sanitary. It's always fucking messy there, yeah.

That was like a Tim Allen joke about a suicide. All right, guys. Last round. Yeah. An off-duty cop pulled a gun on a man who was falsely accused of stealing mints, explaining the new

controversial slogan Mentos the Widowmaker. Damn. That was pretty good, dude. Yeah, it was good. It was either that or what about your mom? And I was like,

I did it. I just covered it. China has banned the cartoon character Peppa Pig, saying that she, quote, promotes gangster values. They have imposed

a similar ban on spongebob sag pants dude i like that spongebob has become like a like a black twitter meme icon yeah it's real weird like there's gonna be dudes who's like oh i met your mom when uh she tagged me in the comments of a spongebob meme and uh ever since then it's just been you know like a new adventure every day he's become one of those things that just got adopted by black culture like anime and sprite where it's just like oh yeah my dad like loves sprite and then when someone's like yeah black people like sprite i was like my dad watches competitive yachting like i didn't that was the best moment of my

entire white life was walking into my father watching a yacht race and just being like no shut up this is getting good where do they even televise that i don't know it's the only sport on c-span yeah all right smash mouth is back in the news after responding to dj khaled's claims that he does not go down on his wife by saying quote a king doesn't who doesn't is no king at all proving that smash mouth and the coyotes in my neighborhood all eat more pussy than DJ Khaled. Hey. Dude, I did a good Smash Mouth tweet that didn't take off. When Trump drawed out of the climate accords, I just did a picture of them and it said, the water's getting warm, so you might as well swim. Like a MAGA logo.

Oh, shit. That's good. I was an early Smash Mouth follower. Because I've been a Smash Mouth apologist for a long time, and I'm really happy. Same. They're having like a renaissance. Oh, yeah. I mean, the Fushio Meng, that that's some good third-wave ska shit.

Straight-up good album. I still love it. Fucking Disconnect the Dots, all that shit. You know, Astro Lounge. That's like, it's fucking, it's an eclectic record. There's a lot of different, they show range on that motherfucker. Pet Names is one of my favorite first songs. Oh, dude.

I fucking love that song so much. Oh, man. All that shit's so good. Kyle Clark and I have talked about how we threaten each other that we're going to start a band together all the time. We even talked about this last night. Yes, we talk about this all the time, about how we threaten each other that we're going to start a band together all the time. We talked about this last night. Yes, we talk about this

all the time. And then we're always like, we'll just talk about songs off of Fushy Mag that we want to cover as our band. I think we're just going to become a first album

Smash Mouth cover band. Nervous in the alleyway of the only Smash Mouth cover band that doesn't play All Star. We keep starting and then just play something else.

no refunds. Get the fuck out. We're doing deep cuts. B-sides at the casino. Getting fired. Dude, I saw them live for the first time last year. Oh, I'm fucking jealous. It was fucking insane.

I got free tickets and they were... All right, we get it. Your podcast is more successful than ours. You have the smash mouth hookup. You just got to start writing in and being like, I'm a media person. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, Keith just says he's a meaty person, but I mean, it doesn't work as well. And everyone lost their fucking minds when All-Star started. It was really awesome to see. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine a bigger riot. It happened. It was in Long Beach next to the Queen Mary, and everyone was just like, look at All-Star. It was awesome.

And then when they played I'm a Believer from the Shrek soundtrack, they changed all the lights to green. I'm keeping the branding in case you forgot Shrek. My favorite Nazi stepdad story is when you just got you a... Tell me about your birthday gifts. Yeah, I had this stepdad who was kind of

a Nazi. I went in 16. We had a birthday party at Bucca di Beppo. Everybody brought presents for me it was very nice and then he brings me stuff and I open the first thing and it is a box

of Shrek branded Twinkies what the fuck and then I open the second thing and it is a Shrek Chia Pet and I want to be clear I didn't really care

for the Shrek films certainly not enough for him to be like well he's crazy for Shrek I know what this guy is going to like. It's like he went to the 99 cent store,

which is already insulting enough, but he went there and the only thing he could think of was like, he's fat, he probably likes that other fat guy. Donkey. Classic. Classic Keith. Always talking about Shrek. Remember, that's a pretty good bit of Shrek shitting his pants. Donkey!

Oh no, it happened again, Donkey! Oh, I was driving! Oh, I'm going to be so late! There's Ricketts everywhere! Oh, no, Donkey! Oh, it's in my shoes! How did I even do that, Donkey? Oh, I brought the swamp with me today!

I did that to Keith at like 5 in the morning for like an hour. Yeah, he will do that for 45 minutes straight if you do not just hit him or hold up a crucifix. Yeah, all right. Bring us on time, I guess. You can now tweet from commercial space travel, meaning that now you can get the ultimate aerial shot of your food. It's all about one-upsmanship. Guys, I was really bad this week. I'm not hiding it. I'm

sorry. It was awful. I'm aware. I mean, I'm glad you know. We're still going to tell you. That's fine. I want to rub your nose in that joke. I'm not going to do that. Somebody just sassed their way out of a Shrek chia bag.

You're re-gifting Shrek stuff from your childhood? God, I bet I still have it somewhere. All right. Well, that was a Rick and Rollicking Mexican Joke. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back after this. The Mad Titan, Thanos, draws ever closer to assembling the Infinity Gauntlet and wiping out half of all life in the universe. The only thing standing between humanity and extinction.

Earth's mightiest heroes, the Avengers. Avengers, you fight nobly. When I'm finished, half of humanity will still exist. I hope they remember you. Now surrender the Mind Stone or be destroyed. Not a chance, Thanos. You will not win this fight. I am

Groot. Cap, look up there. Looks like Stark made it after all. Let him come. He will fall. Uh, Captain? He's not slowing down. Fuck! Mr. Stark, are you okay?

This is not Tony Stark. You're goddamn right I'm not that evil Spock-looking fucking homo. What the fuck is this? I'm Groot. Well, howdy fucking da, Stick Stickly. Who are you? Mark Malloy, South Boston. Entrepreneur, jack-of-all-trades,

and the reason you're not allowed to buy Sudafed in bulk no more. How did you get here? Where is Stark? Ah, fuck if I know. I broke into that goober's lab. I was trying to swipe one of them Iron Man suits so I could go knock the teeth off that hair lip on the corner what owes me 30 bucks. I must have pushed the wrong button or something, because all of a

sudden the fucking thing's locked up on me, and I'm hauling ass through the sky like a goddamn Chinese bottle rocket. Iron Groot? You guys are all hearing that fucking tree talk, right? My head's a little wackadoo because I did 40 whippets and then turned into a fucking spaceship. Hey, wait a minute. You're Captain America. You punched Hitler. That's fucking bonkers, kid. I'm a huge fan. Well, if we save the world, I'll sign an autograph for you. Now get behind something. It's about to get ugly. Hey, what happened to your boyfriend? That, uh, that metal arm Unabomber motherfucker?

Is he still out there squeezing your plums or whatever? He's got a mouth on him, doesn't he? Who the fuck are you? I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Yeah, okay, what neighborhood? Boys Town? What's your deal? You got bit by a fucking spider?

Big deal. I got bit by a spider once. Well, it was actually just a Puerto Rican fella named Spider. It was a dice game turned into a whole fucking thing. A bunch of chickens died. Did you get any powers? Yeah, I got a superhuman volume. We don't have time for this. Want me to take him down, Cab? Yeah, bring it, Queens. I'll put

your fucking head through that tree. Spider-Man with your fancy thwipping and shit. Ain't no superheroes swinging from ropes in Boston. Well, maybe Nick Fury, but I do not support that. Enough! You are a fool and you will be silent. Alright, ease up, sexual chocolate. I seen you on the news. I like your whole deal.

Your country's kinda like my neighborhood, cause we don't like outsiders and we both got battle rhinos. You have rhinos in your kingdom? Well, not really rhinos so much as I just duct taped some sheet metal to my neighbor's pit bull, but tomato to fucking motto. The point is we're cool, man. Very well. Wakanda forever. Hakuna

Matata. Enough of this foolishness. Surrender the stone. Holy fucking shit, kid. It's the fucking Grimmace. I must bring balance to the universe. I've been drunk since 1993. I don't even remember what balance looks like. What's the fucking deal with Grape Ape over here? See that thing on his hand? It's a weapon that can wipe out half of existence. He's gonna destroy your life with a bedazzled glove? What is he, Michael Jackson? I am Groot. Yeah, you're right.

It was a stretch. Look, they're not all gonna be winners. We have to stop him. Have you tried kicking him in the dick? We have to destroy his stones. Yeah, like I said, kick him in the dick. Jesus, I bet it looks like the fucking eggplant emoji. My dick will not be kicked.

I will not be stopped. I have sacrificed much. I killed my own daughter to acquire the soul stone. Oh, boo fucking hoo. You know how many of my kids I've taken out? Dozens. I spent so much on abortions I had to figure out how to make Plan B pills in my toilet, like a baby killing moonshiner.

I grow weary of your jabbering human. The stone will be mine. No! Oh, nice snap, you fucking fancy Nancy. What are you, trying out for West Side Story? Hey, wait a minute. What the fuck's happening to my body? I'm all pixely.

Am I going into the Matrix? What is this? Oh, did you do some kind of spooky purple jazz voodoo? Fuck you, you fucking fuck! You guys should have kicked him in the dick! At long last, my quest is complete. Died. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back.

It's time to play a round of one of our favorite games, which is Did They Die? I'm going to read you guys a news story. You've got to tell me if the person in question is dead or not. Let's begin. A man drove 40 miles with 3,000 bees loose in his truck cab. Did he die? I have questions.

Yeah, like a convoy wicker man. Why are you podcasting with him? Was it Macaulay Culkin? That seems like something he'd do, right? Yeah, exactly. Just to be interesting. That's what happens when you listen to a Jerry Seinfeld album on full blast. His bees start flying.

Did he, like, have the bees in a thing? That's a good Seinfeld. No, thank you. And then he spilled the bees. That's a Bane movie. Yeah, that's right. Bane movie. Gotham would burn.

Fucking Ray Liotta's in this for some reason. Okay, I don't know. Bee Movie became very in vogue to make fun of lately. I kind of like that movie. Oh, I haven't seen it. I've never seen it. It's kind of funny. I think it was one of those things that Brandon Wardell just tweeted about enough until it was a thing.

Yeah. It just kind of became a weird Twitter move. I don't know who that is. I feel the way about Bee Movie you guys feel about that first Smash Mouth album where I'm like, Look, I know it's silly, but dig in. There's some good shit. At one point he sues Sting for fucking stealing B-shit, like

appropriating their culture. That is a real thing. That's fucking awesome. They also drank their Winnie the Pooh. There's a lot of weird shit happening in that movie. It's weird because the plot of that movie is basically there's a human man and a human lady who are dating and then this B is trying to fuck the human lady. Wait, that's the plot?

I mean, there's other stuff going on, too. But yeah, this bee is trying to straight up cuck Patrick Warburg. It's a bestiality cuck film? Whatever you say about this podcast, we respect bee spaces, all right? I didn't mean to say any buzzwords. I did a show with Katrina Davis and Yusef Rocha. We were talking, and they were like, so what have you been up to? I was like, you know, just hanging out, respecting black spaces.

I was like, that's what you've been up to. I was like you know just hanging out respecting black spaces and I was just like saying that like that's what you've been up to just respecting them you know it was a lot of fun so yeah he was hauling a shipment of bees

and all the bees escaped and he was like these bees are really expensive I'm gonna get in so much trouble I gotta just finish the ride fuck yeah are you shipping it

to a honey farm presumably or just like Winnie the Pooh got crazy on the internet Fuck. Yeah. Are you shipping it to a honey farm? Presumably. Or just like Winnie the Pooh got crazy on the internet buying or whatever? Yeah, Winnie the Pooh got drunk on Amazon and then ordered bees. Internet buying dot whatever. Yeah. I think this guy's alive because the fact that it's 40 miles, you didn't make it 40 and then die. Yeah.

I think he's probably still alive because a lot of people, like, the people that wear bees, you know what I mean? They're always on their bodies and stuff. Yeah. Unless he was trying to get them off of him. Maybe he was cool. He was just like, I don't fuck with the bees. The bees don't fuck with me.

Exactly. It was like a very zen, intense ride. Like, listen, fellas. I'm just going to keep driving. Y'all can control the radio. We're going to get through this. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if you need to pull over.

There's a chick flying down the road. Bees hate bad drivers. That's what I've noticed. And I think he's dead. Show your work on that one. Honestly, I'm just saying words at this point. No, I think there's a lot of ways he could die. There's fewer ways he could have lived.

Like, if there's any ventilation. Did you say the trunk was open? Or just the bees got loose? He's like a truck. They're in the cab of his truck. They're in the bees. The bees and the man are one place. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, animal. I go i'm gonna go i'm room for the animal are we playing

20 questions a vegetable or mineral like what do you say uh uh the guy's alive sweet yeah it's good for he went to his brother's house for some reason which is like i mean i learned everything i needed to know about myself is when that fucking SpaceX launch happened. I was driving up to Santa Barbara. So it was like fucking really bright in front of me. I was like, is that a nuclear missile? And I was like, what the fuck do I do? Do I like, you know, send some text message to a lost love or call my mother?

And I just texted Keith and Tom just like, you see this shit? This is wild, man. Are we going to be okay? You know what's hilarious? I got those texts and then I was like, oh, my bad. And I Googled? I got those texts, and then I was like, on my bed, and I Googled, like, is there a space? And I was like, yeah, there's a space thing. I was like, do I go outside and see it

or text anyone? And I go, nah. Like the idea that the nuclear apocalypse is coming, and you're like, yeah, but I don't know. I haven't seen this Frasier. I don't know why I've gotten on this loop of you watching Frasier. I don't know what Frasier. They know. Yeah, I'm like, oh. I don't know why I've gotten on this loop of you watching Frasier. I don't know what Frasier is. I know it's a TV show.

That's why it's funny to me. I get periodically. Is it the dog one? My buddy Jamal Johnson, who's a rapper, will call me and ask me for a joke when he's trying to fuck a chick, I presume. I'm like, I don't know, dude. And he's like, all right, man, I'm going to go back to watching Frasier. And I'm like, what?

You're watching Frasier? You're literally like you're a SoundCloud trap rapper. And I was like, all right, yeah, I'm going to go watch Martin. And then later on in the hotel room, Martin came on TVS, so I sent him a picture of it. And then he sends me a picture of him like immediately of him watching Frasier. Not even like season one, episode one. It was like season four, episode nine, you know, tabs of the Frasier wiki open in the browser. That shit was so good.

All right, next one. A 74-year-old man tried to fix his trunk in the drive-thru of a Dairy Queen. Did he die? Oh, no. Yeah, he's dead.

Yeah. That's too vague, so he died and it was rough. Yeah. Yeah. No, somebody needed to get their blizzard or whatever the fuck. I don't know what's a Dairy Queen.

Yeah, blizzard for a gizzard. Yeah, yeah. He's in the drive-thru and then the guy with the fucking bees is just like, I want ice cream! The bees really want a treat.

I'm not going to tell the bees no. The big reveal at the end is this is just all the plot of the new Final Destination movie. They told me to take them to the queen. I assume this is what they meant. Goddamn, dude. Boom. Bee facts. We the best.

BJ Collins. Nah, it's stupid. You shut your mouth. I love. BJ Collins. Nah, it's stupid. You shut your mouth. I love the BJ Collins. What about BJ's Collins? He just loves chain restaurants. He's getting a pizookie. This food's so good, I shouldn't have to eat for free.

All right, so did anybody guess? Yeah, I think he's dead as shit. I think he's dead. Yeah, that guy's very dead. What happened, though? He popped the hood, and he's dead. Yeah, that guy's very dead. And what happened, though? He popped the hood, and he left it in drive, and then it rolled over. And he was like, oh, dude, I'm fucking shit. You know?

That's my old guy voice. That's a great impression. I like that he started out Indian. Yeah, that was an accident. Oh, no. Oh, no McGriddle here. I did McGriddle's on Real House Podcast, right? You've done McGriddle's on every piece of media we've ever been involved in.

You absolutely have done it on this show. I don't know if he's done it on Mean Boys. If I'm being completely... Well, Brandy, the bit is just an Indian man trying to say the word McGriddles. I would like to order a McGriddle. I want a McGriddle. A pancake sandwich. There's not even a reason he couldn't say McGriddle?

I just feel like it would be hard for him. Does that make me a bad guy? Yes. Okay. I think you're a good guy. Thanks, Tom. Just a racist. No, I'm kidding.

Anyway, let's redeem ourselves. A teenager was brutally mugged for his sneakers that turned out to be fake. Did he die? Wait, fake sneakers? Yeah, they're like fake Jordan's. Like bananas on his feet? No, Tom, there's a big bootleg fashion industry, you maroon. Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, it's when it's like, oh, it's Louis Vuittoni or whatever, you know, and it's like one letter off. Oh, so the shoes aren't fake, the brand's fake. Yeah, like if you want a nice version. Like fake Oakleys, fake watches back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not to get that Cat Williams where it was fake Oakleys, fake watches back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm thinking that Cat Williams where he's like, you know, a crisis of your heart. It looks just like a phantom.

And it does until the phantom pull up. And then you just end that motherfucker. That special is so funny. Oh, fuck. I don't know. Have you ever been mugged? No. I do not recommend it.

You told me about you got the chillest mugging in San Francisco. Oh, yeah. And I've been mugged twice. So I forgot. I got mugged in Anaheim where they took my bad motherfucker wallet, which was pretty funny. Well, actually, they took it.

Then I was like, yo, can I just get my work ID back? They looked through, realized I didn't have any money, gave me my wallet back, and just took my $8 flip phone. So I got mugged, got changed, and then the Anaheim PD stole my bad motherfucker wallet.

Oh, man. You know that guy was like, we got to keep this for evidence and he's like yeah Evidence is my son's name he's got a birthday coming up It was a real bummer like getting ghosted by the police I was like can I have my shit back And he's like no new 911 who dis I got shut down in the DM's by justice

Oh yeah I got robbed in Anaheim one time And I met up with my parents And I was like we gotta call the cops They'll show up fucking next week it's not worth the $40 phone

Anaheim PD are the fucking worst yeah they gave me a ride home but they were dicks about it that was about it ooh look who lives

somewhere and they're like you're gonna tip me on the app right so yeah is that guy dead or not what do you think the mug for the shoes

I think he's probably dead Tommy Goss I think alive alright Brandy So yeah Is that guy dead or not? What do you think? The mug for the shoes? I think he's probably dead Tommy Goss I think alive Alright Brandy You can just find clothes This is all I mean I hope they're all alive Because I feel like

If they're fake shoes Then he probably gave them up quicker Than if they were bad ones So I feel like he wouldn't have Thought over them so much That's a very good point Well my thing is I don't think there was really

Like a discussion about it I feel like they were like Well we're going to put him On the ground And then the shoes are over here. Yeah. Well, he's alive. Yeah.

That's right. This reminds me of one of my favorite memes I've ever seen in my entire life. That's what the podcast is now. I just described memes to you. It's a picture of these really shitty shoes and this woman's like posting in like a Facebook group. Like, what kind of Jordans are these? And some guy goes, I believe those are Montel Jordans. Oh, this shit made me laugh for like ten minutes.

Alright, that giraffe one from earlier that everyone already knows. An aging war criminal was hospitalized for an infection. Did he die? Huh. Aging war criminal. Yeah, an aging war criminal. I don't know why I said that. An aging war criminal.

What kind of war crime? In a world. John McCain? Yeah. He will die soon. Yeah, that. An aging war crime. What kind of war crime? In a world. John McCain. Yeah. He will die soon. Yeah, exactly. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

Man. I'm not going to describe another tweet. One was too many. Welcome to Connor Remembers the Internet. What was his war crime? That was funny earlier. His war crime was just like vague. Choplifting.

Vague war crime. I didn't read that much about it. Jaywalking during the siege. That'd be funny. You stole a Snickers during Crystal Noct. Snicker Noct. Crystal Pepsi Noct. Is that anything?

There's something there. Crystal Nougat. New name for the Armenian genocide, Crystal Pepsi Noct. No, that means even less. Points. You get points. Welcome to Fat Midnight with Keith Carey.

Oh, man. Fat Midnight just sounds like a husky superhero. Me and Keith are up working on this writing project. That's your drag queen name. Oh, no. My drag queen name. Oh no, my drag queen name is Giant Eleven. We've already talked about this. I was fucking, we poach-maced a bunch of gyros and I was just eating gyros like half

naked in bed and I used too much hot sauce and I got all sick. I was just like, Keith, it's hot and my tummy hurts. And then the next day we went clothes shopping for three hours. And we went team shoplifting. Oh yeah, we did. You stole a Misfit shirt from Macy's

and I stole a jacket from Target. It was just, my original plan was genuinely to steal the Misfit shirt and then just throw it away outside the Macy's

and then I was like, I'm not quite cool enough to not want this shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, keep it. I'm not gonna pay. I stole your t-shirt today and I know it was on sale

but I don't have 15 bucks. What are we doing? War criminal? Dummy ride or whatever? He's probably dead. Oh yeah, he's dead as shit. Tom Goss? I'm still alive.

All right, George H.W. Bush is alive. Bang, bada boom. Damn. 14 Afghan civilians registered to vote Did they die? Oh shit Oh that might be Wait how many?

14 That's too low of a number Yeah I'm gonna say half and half That's too low of a number. Yeah. I'm going to say half and half. Too low. That's, yeah, okay. Want some Thanos shit?

Afghanos? Yeah, I want to do that, you know that meme where it goes, gimme my, gimme my, gimme my, and then it's Thanos snapping and everybody dies? You showed me so many of those with the cock in the face thing. What? You know, where the song kicks in, but instead of the snare drum, it's like a dick in the face. Those are pretty funny. Yeah.

We talked a lot about ball gifts on the patio before we started recording. Oh, yeah. Speaking of getting shown memes, we've talked about the ghost hotel that me and Tom

did on this show before, and that same man whose kid got kidnapped showed you a bunch of pictures of balls with faces. Yeah, yeah. He showed me memes for 15 minutes

after the show. I don't know if he liked me or not. I said nothing about my stand-up. Connor just quietly removes his Scooby-Doo mask. You realize he's been the ghost cowboy the whole time? He's really becoming a part of the Mean Boys expanded universe

and I like it. We gotta get him in here. I'm down. Alright, so are those people dead? Yeah. I mean, I know you and I know it's only fun. It's a bad sentence, but it's only funny if they're dead. So, yeah, I'm going to say they're dead. Yeah, those people tragically died in service of democracy,

and we honor their sacrifice on the most respectful podcast. But who'd they vote for? Ruben stuttered. Yeah. I don't know. One of those weird Lay's flavors And last one An Indian man took a selfie with a bear

Is he alive? It's my Grindr date from last night He's still in my room Tell him about the Grindr message It was so good I got a message This is really the filthiest episode of the show we've ever done. I know.

I feel so bad. Wait, really? Wow. Not at all. What's up? This is fine. I got a message. I wasn't apologizing to you.

My mom listens. Oh, okay. And literally the bar at the top says the username and the message. And it literally is just Cocklover. Nice cock. I'm like, well, at least Cocklover's on brand. I'd be offended if Cocklo lover was like, not a fan. He's consistent.

That'd be great. Like an Anthony Fantano YouTube reviewer who just does cocks. And he's like, I'm feeling a light to decent six on this hog. Transition. All right. So an Indian man took a selfie with a bear. Dead? Not dead?

What do you think? I think the bear is dead. I think this is a trick-or-treat. I think the bear got distracted by all those bees, knew there was honey, and chased that car. That's why they call him the callback king, guys. He's dead. Well, thankfully, the Indy guy couldn't order the McGriddles, so he was... Did the breakfast flap make it?

He's saying all the letters he would need for McGriddle. I didn't watch your joke. It's flawed. All right. Well, that last part got a little rough. Oh, yeah. $1,500 a month on Patreon, everybody. For this podcast.

Still being Richard Spencer. We are, yeah. I think he's shit, guys. I think Hatreon folded, so I think we're definitely in a comfortable lead. Oh, hell yeah. Fuck that dude. Hell yeah.

And we just got to overtake Elton Casta. Brandy, your thoughts? He's probably dead. That guy's dead, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The bear was injured. Yeah.

Wait, did they just fight it out? No, I mean... Can they give the guy props if he was able to knock the bear out a couple times on his way down? Yeah, the bear was just like like fucked up or whatever and then he was like

alright that fucked up and just yeah because no one ever had a close fight with a bear you know it was never like I don't know maybe if Cockle ever

gets back to you you might alright that was Did They Die everybody the Mean Boys Podcast will be right back right after this

the Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Studio Headphones and if Studio Headphones are being spoken of, you know who's about to be here. Hey, everybody, it's Mr. Ear. Mr. Ear. Oh, Mr. Ear. You sounded like you were surprised that you existed.

Oh, I am. You surprised yourself. I'm in my own canon and not a physical one, a sound one. The sound of ears from Studio Headphones coming to you live from Sweden. Everything about what you just said means nothing. That was one of the worst things you've ever done. It means something in your heart because it comes from Mr. Ear, plugging those tangleless chords. That was an absolute waste of the concept of sound.

But never waste a sound again with studio headphones. Yeah, let no sound go unpunished. I really hear the deep bass of tom reaching to the bottom of the barrel of ideas if you listen with studio you can hear me sound like someone else it's quite amazing they're pretty good headphones yeah they're very they're very good uh they're uh from sweden they look cool they're sexy and stylish go fucking google them if you haven't already it's the kind of shit that like a model would wear in an instagram photo for like a sponsored post bluetooth capability incredible battery life if you haven't already. It's the kind of shit that a model would wear in an Instagram photo for a sponsored post.

Bluetooth capability, incredible battery life. If you don't want to rock the Bluetooth, they have a cord. It is a magical spaghetti cord that does not tangle. I don't understand how they do it. I know. I bought a pair of earbuds at Marshall's in New York, and they've been tangled since the moment I've owned them. In studio, I did not realize. I mean, we talk about it every week, but the fucking gift of the flat spaghetti ramen cord

that refuses to tang. I mean, it's just you're basically imagine if your headphone cord never tangled. You basically have like three more weeks of your life left to live. Yeah, it's true. So reclaim your future with these headphones. Take back the night with studio headphones. Yeah, free shipping all over the world. And the best part of all, get yourself a 15% discount when you code mean boys podcast all one word and uh check out uh and fucking you know help yourself out

fucking invest in some shit you're gonna use every day and uh help out the mean boys it's a great product anything to add here mr ear oh no great all right back to the show and the mean boys podcast is back uh off mic randy was telling us about, I think, the best transaction in the history of commerce. What were you doing? Oh, you're jiggling your cord. Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, no, it's all good. Let me make sure everything's chill. All right, yeah, we're good. Anyway, so someone gave you a

motor bunny starter kit. It's called a motor bunny starter kit. My podcast, Lady to Lady, we get stuff from PR companies sometimes, and there's this one sex PR company that will send us l lube or vibrators oh my goodness this looks like yes like it's used to change your oil yeah it's it's big it's very fucking heavy and we ended up selling it for 700 bucks to a fan and um then we use the money to buy a party bus to take 30 of our fans to magic mike live in las vegas That's so fucking awesome. We really are the two sides of the same spectrum.

We're just like, we got a knife from a guy who works in a warehouse. What's weird about the picture of this thing is it's presented around nothing, so it looks like it might be a building. It looks like a Native American sweat lodge somebody glued a wiener to. It looks like an airplane hanger from world war one

that has a dildo on the roof like a nazi stormtrooper helmet what about a stormtrooper helmet with a cock on top they gotta make those right oh man for sure it's like if 12 year old boys ran the space program my favorite sex toy of all time is the dildo that you strap to your knee so you can bounce a girl like it's like santa cla the mall. What the fuck? Yeah, I saw that shit. And it was just like, it was like a Rob Liefeld drawing where there's too many patches, you know? And it was just like, you put it on your fucking cargo pants and you're like, hey, let's tell you like that.

What do you want for Christmas? Have you seen those alien dicks? Those are like a big thing. Oh, yeah. Have we seen the alien dicks? I mean, I assume you guys have. The ones that like lay eggs on you and shit? Yeah, that's so fucking weird.

Yeah, we're sponsored by Dragon Dildos. Use promo code Keith for a 20% discount on a smog dong. I met a dude who was super into that, and I was like, what? You just want an egg up in your body? He's like, yeah, it's great. And I'm like, why? That's so weird. I don't understand the appeal of it.

It's like when you've got a turkey baster that you fill with cloves when you're making a fancy meal. When I feel the same way I do about those eggs as I do do about like vape juice where i'm like this is just weird gelatin made by some dweeb in the valley and i don't trust it to be in my body like whoa shots fired the valley you guys are up to you're making weird sex eggs and vape juice oh man i'm just picturing like the guido guy with like a big pot just like stirring the vape juice with a wooden spoon. La la la la la la la la la la la clouds. Yeah, it's a good batch of raspberry. Oh! And you know it's vape.

I got an Instagram DM. I'm handling like not even fame, but 4,000 people giving a shit about my life so poorly because there's this dude who's just like, yeah, I'll give you free vape juice. I'm like, I'm going to get this guy fired.

Yeah, come to Hollywood on a Friday night and I'll fucking juice you up, dude. And I'm like, yeah, you will. Jesus. I'm going to Hollywood on a Friday night and I'll fucking juice you up, dude. And I'm like, yeah, you will. I'm going to be rolling a wooden barrel out just like, later, nerd. I didn't know we could sell vape juice in kegs. You know what's hilarious? Someone who listens to the show

already gave me free vape juice and that's out of... We have a different... You also took unsealed vape juice from a crackhead on the street in New York City I threw it away

yeah after you smoked a lot of it no I didn't smoke we were in New York and we were doing shows at the stand me and Connor

just hanging out and we see Tom Tom is very high at this point and he just kind of comes waddling in like a chill penguin he's like

yeah we're looking for vape juice this nice crackhead sold he pulls up this label and it's just everything is spelled wrong and like the typeset is off and it's like, yeah, we're looking for vape juice. This nice crackhead sold. He pulls out this label. Oh, my God. And it's just everything is spelled wrong. And the type set is off.

And it looks chunky. It looks like there might have been a scorpion in it at some point. It's just clam chowder. That's what he gave us. I didn't know vape juice could curdle until I saw this product. Do you really want a dairy-based vape liquid? It's time to get into it. It's got bubbles.

I'm going to smoke milk. You milk smoker. Not flavor, just milk. Yo, milk smoker is 100% the gay slur of the week. 100%. We'll drop the jingle in post-grandy. I don't know if you've ever heard the show. We have the gay slur of the week.

It's a big recurring segment. Just kidding. It is now, though. All right. It's time to get into a round of our favorite game, which of the following? Huzzah! Huzzah! This game comes to us from Alexis Jester, a.k.a. Death to the Filth.

Hey there, me boys. It's your old pal Alexis. Thanks for coming to Indiana on the tour. I'm sorry you hated it here. If it's any consolation, so do I. And you get to leave when your show's over. It was really awesome hanging out with you all, and hopefully you'll come back to the area soon. Just not to the city of

churches. Anyways, having sent you one of these in a little while, so I'm in the spirit of being a complete nerd, I'm reading bad. Here's to which the following is not a Marvel comic book series. I want to say, Alexis, you're the best part of Indiana. Thank you for hosting us. You absolutely are. Yeah. Alexis is our transgender

fan who electrocuted us on stage in Fort Wayne, Indiana at what was basically an Applebee's at 7 o'clock in the afternoon. Sounds like Fort Wayne. They booked us in the wrong place. Oh, yeah, dude. But we're working on an atheist church in Las Vegas, so stay tuned, everybody. Fuck yeah. Next time we're in Indiana, if we go, I'm going to get us a gig at the Church of Cannabis, which is in Indianapolis. I did a show there, and it is bananas.

That sounds straight up terrible. Because there's no one I like less than weed people. Anybody who goes to the Church of Cannabis should probably die. I'll do a corporate for the astrology rape convention before I do the Church of Cannabis. I will headline NamblaCon before I will go to the the Church of Cannabis. I will headline NamblaCon before I will go to the fucking Church of Cannabis. The Church of Cannabis took over for a regular church that used to be where it is now

and all the neighbors pick it every day. It's quite a time. Alright, nice. Very anti. This game works. There's three real things. One fake thing that Alexis made up. You've got to tell us the fake thing. Round number one.

Which of the following is in a real Marvel comic book? Sorry, what? McGriddle? Round number one. McGriddle Cinematic Universe. Yeah. All baby. Okay.

Round number one. All alliteration edition. A. A-Babies vs. X-Babies. B. Saga of the Squadron Supreme Which sounds like a Japanese translation Of what this podcast is C, Magneto Murders the Multiverse Or D, Extreme X-Men Expose

Expose? Yeah, X-P-O-S-E Maybe it's Expose Comic books are stupid I love comics, but God, they're dumb. Dude, when we went to saw Infinity War, there's like a big line out to the theater and this rat runs by and freaks everybody out. That shit was so awesome.

It did seem like the rat was going to the movie. Yeah, is this 915 line? All right, cool. Don't spoil it for me. I am rat. I literally have been living a hole in the wall. Also, I got fingers for some reason. And I'm Italian.

Hey, I'm a cop. Well, of course I'm Italian. I'm a rat in New York. That was my favorite. We all just tacitly assume they're Italian. I don't know why, but you never thought nice about it. I'm Ratatouille. It's not.

That's France, you dumb piece of shit. You don't know fuck about our culture, you maroon. It's sassy Italy. They're the same people. France is sassy Italy. Yeah. Italy is sassy Italy. Yeah. Yeah, it's sassy Italy. They're the same people. France is sassy Italy. Italy is sassy Italy. Yeah, it's sassier.

I've been calling them... Don't do your shoulder swerve like that makes you right. Don't talk about gay Spain like that. All right, so what do we think? All alliteration edition. I know the answer, so I'm going to... All right, A is A Babies vs. X Babies and Saga of the Squadron Supreme. Sounds like a Pizza Hut deal.

I'm going to say B. All right. Brandy Posey. Wait. A. A. All right. The fake one.

C. Magneto murders the multiverse. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Is that fake? It's fake, yeah. Okay. You know all the other ones?

Yeah. Damn, dude. Damn. Can they not say murder in the name of a comic series? No. I mean, there's like a Deadpool kills the universe. I think they can say murder. They can do whatever they want.

They're cool. Yeah, yeah. Sweet, dude. Tight, bro. Tight. Dude, murder is fucking chill as shit. Shaka. I don't know about you, but we swear on this podcast.

We're edgy guys. Since you're like, but. In the past hour, all we've done is talk about vaping and knives. We also talked about sex machines. We didn't talk about you. Oh my god, there's no way somebody hasn't invented

a vibrator that is a vape. Oh, that for sure exists. Connor, I need you to go over this right now. I just saw the light bulb form above Connor. And then a cloud blow out of it. And then Keith's mom grabbed it and broke it and ruined his childhood. Smoking tweak out of a fucking dildo. Yeah, yeah.

Run number two. Yeah, it's a fucking click pookie. All Deadpool edition. The nookie pookie. The nookie pookie. There you go. This isokie pookie. The nookie pookie. There you go. This is what we do, man. This is fucking Pippin and Jordan over here.

God damn it. I hate my life. Round number two. All Deadpool edition. A. Deadpill. Deadpill. Deadpill.

Deadpill, or as Tom calls it, a lot of aspirin that one time. I almost died. Oh. What are you going to tell me now? i'm sorry it's andrew death clay wait who's andrew death we've never overthought anything on this show it's a good point okay so deadpool the duck deadpool kills deadpool deadpool core rake and foul orl, or Deadpool versus Spider-Ham. Wait, did you say Deadpool on purpose? They're all Deadpool. My headphones aren't coming through at all.

Oh, sorry. As long as it's recording. Was Spider-Ham supposed to be Spider-Man? Not Spider-Ham. There's the Spider-Ham. I think that one's probably real. What? That's Keith's little brother. Can you read him one more time?

He's an eight-legged fat guy. He's like Goro, but for buffalo wings. Oh, man. Imagine being fat and a spider because you've got eight legs, but they're all chafing up against each other. He uses more gold bond than the entire state of Rhode Island. So Deadpool the Duck, Deadpool Kills Deadpool, Deadpool Core, Rankin Fowl, or Deadpool vs. Spider-Ham? I actually think Spider-Ham is the fake one. I know Spider-Ham exists, but I don't think they ever did Deadpool vs. Spider-Ham.

I'm going to go A. All right. Tommy Goss. Oh, God. I didn't know there was... I think we might have hit peak what people assume this podcast is. Because we're currently playing a Deadpool-based trivia game. Deadpool is fighting loose meat

in Iraq. Randy, every time we have someone we think is cool over, we're just always like, oh, fuck. How do we make a completely different show in 10 minutes? Because you're going to go tell everybody that I did this podcast and it was just all about racist fast food orders and bees,

I guess. Let's say C. Classic podcast. I like how you're like, oh, it's cute. You think this is coming out. I'm having my agent send you a sternly worded email. It's cute you think I have an agent. I assume you have an agent, but it's just you in a hat.

Oh, for sure. She has a fake Gmail account. It's great. Oh, yeah, yeah. We've all got a fake manager. We know the hustle. Yeah. So did everybody guess? Yeah, I said C. All right, the, yeah. We've all got a fake manager. We know the hustle. So did everybody guess?

Yeah, I said C. All right, the fake one. D, Deadpool vs. Spider-Ham. Oh. Deadpool. That's when Chris Estrada becomes a superhero. Deadpool. Hell yeah.

The greatest guest in Mean Boys history. I love Chris, but we just were all off our game on that episode. We'll bring him back. little bit we'll bring it back yeah yeah we'll have Chris back round number three Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers ugh

hang on it's very important to me that we point you said Pet Avengers not Pet Avengers oh no the Pet Avengers that's the sketch that's playing after this

B. Karnak K-A-R-N-A-K C. Hulk vs. Hulk Hogan or D. West Coast Avengers I don't know anything that you just said. Yeah, I really should have seen if we had a better one.

I think we actually had I like this. You know what's fucked up? I think we actually had one with ska bands and I was just like What? What?

If we did, I'm firing myself. I'm so mad at you. Dude, you can't say that. We had such an unbranded one. I'm so mad at you. We had such an on-brand one. You can't talk to me. This is pretty on-brand. It's Hulk vs. Hulk Hogan, by the way. Also, somebody just write that. Do that.

We didn't have a ska one. Anyway, so yeah. What did you guess? Hulk vs. Hulk Hogan. That was going to be my guess, too. I third it. Just want to guess whatever Keith guesses. Yeah, no, it's Hulk vs. Hulk Hogan. That's going to be my guess, too. I third it. I'm just going to guess whatever Keith guesses. Yeah, no, it's Hulk versus Hulk Hogan, yeah.

What a fun game. This sucks, dude. No, man, it's good. Round number four, all Spider-Man edition. Yeah. Oh, wow. A good feigning of interest, everybody. You guys all crushed that.

It's just nice that finally we can talk about these Marvel movies. I'm enthralled. I love this. Tom Holland. That's just nice that finally we can talk about these Marvel movies. I'm enthralled. I love this. Tom Holland. That's what I got. Yeah. He's a thing. Yeah.

I feel like he's going to not be famous in three years. Yeah. Who is he? Exactly. Spider-Man. He's Spider-Man. He's fucking... Tobey Maguire?

Spider-Man? Spider-Man, yeah. He's your Jewish neighbor. Oh, no. That was a bit we were doing last night. There's a dude. There's a hoity-toity guy introducing the jackass Q&A at Carnegie Hall. And he's like, please welcome Steve-O, Johnny Knoxville, Weeman. Weeman Acuna.

Oh, man. Weeman Weeman Acuna Oh man Fucking Weeman goes to Fucking the comedy store Like every Monday For that Kill Tony show And it's so funny Because every time You just watch

Like a bro go up to him And be like Weeman And he's just like Yeah man My name's Jason It's like Fuck yeah

Weeman You're a midget dude I saw him DJing At the Hooters pool In Las Vegas What? What? Brandy?

That sentence. No fucking way. That is for a kid's birthday party? God damn it. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That's a great sentence. Hello, women. Fuck the rest of this game. We're going to be right back with your voicemails right after this.

He's standing on phone books and shit. Hi, this is Tom Goss, and today I'm going to give you some information on the history of Mother's Day. That's right, it's His Tomry time. Mother's Day is a very special day for your mom or anyone who looks like her. I'm not saying it's typical to give a gift to someone who looks like your mom who isn't,

but it happens to the best of us, which is why my first note is know whether or not your mom is Asian. Now, Mother's Day, in the very beginning, was created by the Greeks and Romans. Now, if you're thinking of that play where everyone has one car and that band that sang Take On Me, you're wrong, but I thought the same thing at first. It was Greece and Rome, the place. That's right, between making erotic statues,

being bulimic, wrestling naked, making pizza, and sodomy, they came up with the very first version of Mother's Day. Back then, they had mom gods, and they had to give them a day to stop them from eating their babies. So they threw together some mom god party to appease the mega people. You might be wondering if that's me making a joke, or if that's fact. I also wonder.

But I don't know if I'm thinking of gods or dogs right now. The point is they were the first to be like, you go, mom, girl, and that anyone can eat their children if they believe it in their hearts. After a while, people forgot about the god's posses and could only remember that one god. His name was God. In the Dark Ages, people were less creative. I think it's because people usually get tired at night, but what the fuck do I know?

Anyway, all over Europe, they celebrate this dude every Sunday. Because it's best to bug the shit out of someone on their day off. And on top of every Sunday, they did special celebrations. Because God's son was born. Or God's son died. Or God's son's not really dead, but we already put it in the fucking calendar. So deal with it. It's a lot of son-based bullshit.

But that's what happens when you're an only fucking child. The point was it became tradition on the fourth Sunday of Lent for everyone to go back to their mother church, which was whatever church was nearest them. I don't know why they didn't always go to the nearest church, but back then they didn't have GPS, so it was mostly the horses calling the shots. Horses were like politicians back when people believed in Jesus more than asking for directions. It was a very wacky new world. Now, Mother's Day in America was created by this lady named Anna Reeves Jarvis. Her mom had created something called Mother's Friendship Day, which was stopped because you ever notice how women

don't usually get along? Anna wanted to make a day where kids could go, Hey, lady, you're my mom. And moms could go, Hey, we're moms. Let's be friends together. So she petitioned the government to have a holiday. For those of you who don't know what a petition is, it's voting on something the government doesn't want you to have rights on. Anyway, Anna was like, Hey, dudes, moms be cool and shit.

And the government was like, Fine, we agree. Moms be cool and shit. And the girl was like, fine, we agree. Moms be cool and shit. And gave them Mother's Day. Everything was fine until she realized how commercialized things got and freaked out. It was all about Hallmark cards and candy and that wasn't her jam. So she tried to get it off the calendar but couldn't. I don't know what she thought would happen or why she cared that people bought shit for their moms.

Jesus never threw a fit about his birthday. And no one remembers to be like, oh, thanks for coming out of your mother's virgin pussy, Jesus. I hope you enjoy this myrrh. Everyone loves fucking myrrh. I got an Xbox. It's not even my birthday, but myrrh is like super

necessary. I remember one time I was trying to buy a smoothie and they were like, where's your myrrh, son super necessary i remember one time i was trying to buy a smoothie and they were like where's your myrrh sonny and then i didn't have any smoothie but thanks for dying in 33 years and you get three decades to figure out what to do with all this precious fucking myrrh but thanks for getting strung up so i could get this jar jar bings collectible doll for my grandma who thinks i'm my dad the point is Mother's Day was created to bring mothers together with their families and other mothers and ended up pissing off some old dead lady who thought that everyone was doing everything wrong. Sounds like the spirit of motherhood to me.

I'm Tom Goss and this was his summary of Mother's Day. The motherfucking mean boys are brought to you by Don Carlos Caco Shop in La Jolla, California. Don Carlos Caco Shop? The Caco Shop. We're brought to you by your butthole, the Caco Monster. Oh, I love dick burritos. I didn't have time to think about this one. My throat is too trashed for Taco Monster, so you're going to have to settle for the, I i don't know the quesadilla cynic which is my my new character uh the np armadillo uh if you guys ever notice that

you can't ever really learn a lesson without hurting another human being well you know a good way to distract yourself from that knowledge is by eating at don carlos in la jolla right across the street from the comedy store see a great show get yourself a great burrito and tell them the mean boys send you and if you want to pre-game and check out some of the menu options you can right across the street from the Comedy Store. See a great show, get yourself a great burrito, and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. And if you want to pregame and check out some of the menu options, you can just hop on over to eataburrito.com because I promise you, when you walk into the store, the fucking mecca of burritos,

you're going to be overwhelmed, you're going to hold up the line, and you're going to get beaten and mugged. Absolutely. This is a heck of a commercial. Come to Don Carlos Cock Emporium where you'll be beaten to death. Oh, no. They're so good, they'll quiet the voices in your head.

Those are some great burritos. That's how Tom got off antipsychotics. He started supplementing with... Prozac, no. California burrito from Don Carlos. Prozac burrito? Oh, yeah. If you put enough french fries and sour cream in your head, you're just like, oh, man, I'm too fucking...

This habilifies overrating. Just make sure you're eating a burrito while Comfortably Numb starts playing. Yeah, the Tom Goss burrito has fucking Lorenzo Pam inside of it. They'll make you Comfortably Numb. They have an explosion of taste. It literally wraps his mouth

in a piece of cheese. Yeah, like, eat this burrito. It'll make you feel like a sad rock opera. Anyway, yeah, fucking go order from one of the marching hammers and uh just fucking get a burrito all right we've been doing this for like two years what else we got to say it's just go do it they're phenomenal yeah they're good they're fucking phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal okaydo. Back to the show. Phenomenal. Do-do-do. Do-do-do.

Do-do-do. Don Carlos in Loyola, California. You could have said Don Carlos Taco Shop and it would have been fine. You did the longest, least fucking phonetically satisfying. Anyway. Eat a burrito, motherfuckers. Quong. And the Mean Boys podcast is back.

We're dipping into the Mean Boys mailbag to read some of your questions, your comments, listen to your voicemails. Cass Smiley writes, this is making me so freaking happy I can't even tell you. Casseroles. What's your guys' favorite movie of all time? Wow, what a question. That's fucking deep, dude. Yeah, it's Fight Club, and I always feel bad when I say that. Like, I know.

You're of an age, though. That's a specific moment in time And that age is man child Here's the thing Every time I say it I get the face And then it's like Well I have two options Which are

Explain No because it's like About toxic masculinity And it's written by a gay guy And there's a bunch of levels to it But then you're that asshole Or just be like Yeah sure I had a Scarface poster

And then just be fine with it And both are true Both are fine Yeah I don't know I'm getting to an age Where I don't care anymore. I like Fight Club still.

Mine is that YouTube video of the guy eating dog shit. It's my favorite film ever made. Tom, what do you think? Fuck, I really don't know. There's a lot of movies I really like. Wow. This is fucking such a good conversation. God damn.

Most influential movie, Ace Ventura 2. I'll say that. Ace Ventura 2? Yeah, that was the movie that has influenced my life more than anything else. Well, because you're like, yeah, I've listened to your Jim Carrey episodes. I'm a massive Jim Carrey fan. I had pictures of him on my wall, and I was just like, well, maybe I'm related to him. I know there's an extra R in his, but maybe

they just took mine out, so I didn't guess. This isn't my favorite movie, but I did watch a documentary about a guy who lost his leg in a barbecue and then another dude bought it and it was great. I wish I remembered what it was called.

It was called A Dream You Had. It's a true story. It's a true story. Oh, God. We synced up. Yeah, yeah. And I tried to show it

to my family around Thanksgiving because a bunch of family came and no one else thought it was as funny as I was. Oh, really?

Real bummed out. We wanted to watch It's a Wonderful Life, but this is fine, too, I guess. If you don't want to, that's fine. Yeah, another time.

Yeah, yeah. So what's Brandi's grossest gross-out story from doing The Road? Can she top the grossest thing that happened on the Mean Boys tour?

Probably not. We weren't that gross. Let's hear your grossest thing that's happened on the road and then we'll compare ours. Let me think. I mean it's probably different because it's like I tour as a solo woman. So like I don't really get that fucking gross because I'm on my toes at all times. Yeah, yeah. But I stayed with a guy in a comic in Fort Collins like a year and a half ago.

Me and Lisa Curry were on the road together. And we stayed with this dude at a house that, he's like, oh yeah, I own a house. I run out of a couple of rooms. You guys have a whole living room

to yourself. We get there. He lives in the tent in his backyard and he Airbnbs out his entire house. Yo. So it was just full of strangers.

And the guy that was staying in the room right off of where we were staying looked exactly like Charles Manson. Oh no. And the guy that was staying in the room right off of where we were staying looked exactly like Charles Manson. Oh, no. And shirtless the entire time. And he had not one, not two, but three state outline tattoos on his body.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Everywhere he killed somebody. Yeah, yeah. No, exactly. Yeah, he's just like, I got to remind myself where I have warrants. Yes. I mean, it was all Midwest shit, which for sure means that there's bodies there.

Because you can have one, which is where you're from, and you might maybe give you two because that's the place that you chose to live. Three means murder. Yeah, this is where I identified my wife. Yeah, exactly. He made a giant – we were trying to go to sleep. We'd just driven in from Omaha, so we'd driven like eight hours that day. And he made a giant vat of – what's it called? What's the fucking human remains what's

what's the hand with the fucking meat the meat hand guy you know I mean chef boyardee no no no not hamburger helper I just assumed you were working your way towards Pruno. So when you got to meat, I got thrown for a loop. The meat hand guy. The meat hand guy. Tom. Do you know the meat hand guy?

The meat hand guy. He killed his wife. Yeah. So he made this giant vat of hamburger helper that he poured ranch on top of. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. He was just eating it out of the pot, just sitting with us. Yeah. So he made this giant vat of hamburger helper that he poured ranch on top of. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. He was just eating it out of the pot, just sitting with us.

We were like, we have to stay awake longer than you do because we cannot go to bed with you around the house. Well, yeah, if you stay awake. Unless you have a living Freddy Krueger just eating white trash casserole in front of you. Well, if he goes to bed first, you can draw a dick over the swastika on his forehead. I slept in a dude's cum. You slept in my bed? Well, you win. Yours is gross.

Cum is whatever. The ranch is worse than cum somehow. Truly disgusting. The cum spot that you slept on wasn't outlined like the shape of three states where there are body parts. No. It wasn't just in the shape of New Jersey. You also were a victim of the meat hand man.

I'll skip it, okay? What's up? Oh, yeah. Go ahead. All right. Grape Ape wants to know if Brandy has ever heard the story about Keith and the dog.

I knew it was coming. I don't think so. All right. I'm going to make a deal. I'm going to tell this story one more time and then I'm never telling this story on this show again. You said that before. I know, but I'm being serious. So going to make a deal. I'm going to tell this story one more time, and then I'm never telling this story on this show again. You said that before.

I know, but I'm being serious. So I was dating a girl, and about a year into our relationship, she came at me with like, oh, I have this weird text thing I want to do. And I was like, oh, I'll try anything. I'm cool. Yeah, why not? And she's like, oh, it's the kind of porn I like. I'm like, sure, let's party. So we're hooking up.

She starts on this porn. Video comes on, and it's just like a lady in like track pants that are pulled down. She's just sort of bent over in some sort of vague Russian factory where they just manufacture bombers. Like it's just – it's a bad place to be. And there's like a 30-second pause. And then the German shepherd walks. No! And then the dog takes a picture of the lady.

And I'm not stoked. No. But she's having a great time. And I'm just like, okay. And I'm not stoked. No. But she's having a great time. And I'm just like, okay. And I'm trying to avoid eye contact. And she's like, no, I want you to do it at the rhythm that the dog is the lady so I can pretend I'm that lady. Aside from the ethical implications that I also could not keep up with this dog. Yeah.

Just on a stamina level. Hoo, hoo, hoo. Yeah, I know. God damn. So that's the dog story. Yeah, rest in peace. I have told it, I think, every episode of the show for the past, hoo, hoo. Yeah, I know. God damn. So that's the dog story. Yeah, rest in peace. I have told it, I think,

every episode of the show for the past, what, 20 episodes? 30. It's over. The dog story is over. Rest in peace, the dog story.

Honestly, here's the thing. Connor, have you heard of the dog story? The dog story's gonna play dead. I'm so sorry. As a guy who's kind of started the bit of making you tell it

all the time, I myself am getting a little bit over it. Yeah. Well, because this is the problem. We'll save it for when we have a famous person on or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, good.

We'll keep it in the pocket. Basically, it's just like, wait until people I respect show up and then make me tell it again. Well, no. I just talked about how weird. I said people I respect. I have no problem with Todd. It just seemed like a shitty thing to say. I was born in the closet.

You merely adopted him. I would love to know Connor's thoughts on the recent actions of his hero, Kanye West. I'm bummed out. I don't know what to do. I'm going to torrent the album. Kanye fucked a dog. I don't know if you've heard. I've bought every Kanye release since 2010.

I think you're wearing the shirt out of support. I am. I was out of lingerie. Oh, I thought that was the nicest thing. I mean, it actually might be. That's what we don't know. It's from the fucking Yeezus photo shoot, which is so cool. When he did the first New York Times interview after he didn't do any press for three years because he was

mad about how the media treated him with the Matt Lauer interview. And then he came back from the jungle and he created one of the most amazing Sonic masks. Why is he dressed like Al Qaeda, though? You blocked? I blocked Kanye, Kim Kardashian, and Taylor Swift in 2015

and my life's been great ever since. Blocking seems like a lot. It's not like you guys were interacting. No, I just like didn't want to see them in my timeline.

I think that's fair. I don't know. I like Kanye. You can mute him. The new shit is weird. Have you seen the theory floating around that it's all like this performance

art thing? I mean, yeah, I don't know if he's Joaquin Phoenix is doing a feature on the next record.'s all like this performance art thing? I mean, yeah, I don't know if he's... Joaquin Phoenix is doing a feature on the next record. There's like this big, dense thing where they break down all these references and clues and there's another guy involved where they think it might be this whole fucking Andy Kaufman situation going on. Ashy Kaufman? He's married to Kim Kardashian, though.

He's not that smart. Yeah, you're right. What an idiot to marry one of the most attractive humans that ever lived. Truly a buffoon. I mean, he's a savant, but nothing, nothing. I mean, if he did it, props to him, but I don't believe that. You understand, I would give the best years of my life to a YouTube star just so I could have nicer things, Tom.

I mean, I don't think Kanye is out here. But he already had a ton of money. I know. I was just trying to riff. Anyway, someone just says that you're great and they don't know what to ask, but they like you. Thank you. Any tweets?

You have the most vague kindness. She's like, oh boy, it's Brandi. She's great. Alexis, who wrote the game we just shit on earlier, said, do you have a band that you're ashamed to admit you like, one that everyone else thinks is bad but you secretly love? Here's the thing. I think you and I have a similar theory on this,

which is that guilty pleasures are stupid. Just like what you like. I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If it makes you feel good, fucking do it. Yeah, you paid American money to go to a ska festival this weekend. And I'm jealous I didn't. It fucking rolled. It was so much fun.

It will happen next year. Also, Dickie Barrett is planning an East Coast one also. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, Keith likes Scott, but he rips his pants when he tries to pick it up. Pick it up. You seemed bummed that you had to do that. I was, yeah.

I was just like, well, I haven't said anything annoying in a few minutes. It's time for me to jump in and do what I do best. I was bummed when I heard you guys left during Sublime, though. I was like, how could you? I mean, yeah, we stayed for most of Sublime. That was like Mike Pence walking out of the football game. You're like, this is a disgrace. I left during 311.

You're kneeling for Santa Maria. Well, 311 sucks. Yeah, I left during 311 the day before. Yeah, no one should ever. I don't know why 311 keeps getting booked for stuff. I do not know. Most people left. That crowd emptied halfway out.

I've heard that from other festivals too. Not even like Scott's specific ones where 311 was headlining and then just played to 40 people at a stadium. They do this weird drum breakdown thing where they bring out a bunch of drums and they all play them like they're a fucking drum line. It's really weird. I don't want to see

dipshit stomp. No. Alright, we got some voicemails here. I have no idea what this is. Just jiggle it a little bit. You might have to jiggle. They're not plugged in. God fucking damn it.

Keith, you're a fucking maroon, my dude. We're all catching Tom today. Now I can hear great. I was holding up making fun of you on that one. I'm just listening to your podcast for the first time. Okay, Dad. Anyway, I made this vat of hamburger helper. Artist station from Womp It Up.

My name is Greg. I live in a tiny-ass town in Arkansas. It's 2 a.m. town in Arkansas. Oh, cool. It's 2 a.m. or 1.30 a.m. I'm probably the only person in the town who's still awake that is not smoking meth. Cool. Good for you. I really believe him.

It's during the afternoon. You guys are doing pretty well. Okay, I love this guy. I fucking love this dude. There was no no why did he call us i love greg i fucking love greg greg's pretty fun greg just gave us a status update on greg that's it it's a very super chill dare program everything's fine meth is bad i'm not sleeping exactly my name is greg i live at womp it Studios. I don't have a bedtime. Yo, man. Greg, you rule. I'm looking at the...

It gives you a predictive text of what the voicemail transcript is, and the only word I'm understanding is Filipino, so I got to figure this is going to be good. Hey, people. It's Tristan calling you again from Buffoon Lagoon, Australia. Oh, okay. It's for a... Oh, yeah. We already listened to Buffoon Lagoon.

Oh, did we already do this one? Yeah, we did that one in New York City. All right. It looks like we got one more then. At least one more. By the way, if you want to listen to the voicemail, 304- to Buffoon Lagoon. Oh, did we already do this one? Yeah, we did that one in New York City. All right, it looks like we got one more then. At least one more. By the way, if you want to listen to the voicemail, 304-805-MEAN. Oh, cool. We're getting a voicemail from the children screaming outside.

Hey, boys. Flowers from Twitter here. Love the show. I thought of a joke-off example at work, and I wanted to share it. I'm like 99% sure I didn't accidentally steal it from the show, but in case I did, feel free to roast my forklift driving, street fighter playing, weed smoking ass. Here goes. Jesus.

He's so overused. He was found dead in his hotel room last weekend. His ex-girlfriend is reportedly devastated, telling police to wake me up when it's all over keep it up i love it he's great yeah it sounds like you were practicing that in front of your mirror my weed smoke it's forklift driving weed ass well this guy showed up to our live show in new york and he was destroyed crossfaded like the highest i've ever seen a human and he's like this he's exactly what that guy sounds like that he looks like and he is and then he had like the sweetest cutest girlfriend who was just like yeah I'm in charge of scooping him up she's like this is this he's been excited about this for months

he talked so different in the voicemail like like and when he met him in person when he was drunk like in the voicemail he sounded like one of those CD-ROM games from the 90s. Freddy Fish is going to the... But, dude, fucking, yeah, no, you were great, man. It was great meeting you. You were fucking real nice. It's a very nice thing. I'm sure you're delightful.

And good joke. Great joke. Your girlfriend sounds great. Yeah, she's great. I think that's the podcast. Brandi, thank you for joining us Yeah thanks for having me You got any dates coming up

You want to plug When does this come out Tuesday Tuesday Okay Yeah brandyposie.com Brandy with an IE Posie with an EY

I've got I'm featuring for Kyle Kinane in Burlington Vermont In the beginning of June Which should be pretty fun Nice Oh yeah

That'll be fun It should be a fun weekend Nice. Oh, yeah. That'll be fun. It should be a fun weekend. And then I've got a couple... I've got a couple dates around that up in the Pacific, like up in the Northeast, and then it's all over the place. Cool.

Go check out the website if you're in the area. We're just out there. No fucking Demi-Boys fans will come see you. All right, guys. I'm headlining the Madhouse in San Diego May 8th,

and then I'm back that weekend for the 11th and 12th. And on the 23rd, if you're out in Chicago, come to my TV taping at the Promontory. There's links for that on Twitter and other places. And Texas, coming back in June, June 15th and 16th, I'm at the Velvet Austin, Texas headlining. And then I'll be, I think, doing a show at the Secret Group on Father's Day. So, you know, give your dad the gift of on father's day so you know so like give your dad a uh the gift of uh boner stories there you go i'm a headlining madhouse in san diego may 18th and 19th uh i'm

doing a run in norcal the week after that with uh nicole buchanan a friend of the show and then we are going to be out in vegas and denver at some point at the end of may early june i will be announcing locations and dates for that very soon yeah and if you live in salt lake city you got to prove that you've got enough friends where we can afford to do a show there. Because we want to, but it's looking dicey. Yeah. You guys all should have came to my show last week.

I have nothing coming up. Thank you very much to those who did. Had a lot last week. I'm going to be sleeping this one. Yeah. All right, that's the Mean Boys podcast. Fuck everything. God is dead