Mean Boys - EP 128 - Beating Disorder (Live feat. Nick Mullen, Luis J. Gomez & Eli Sairs)

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

Get tickets for our Las Vegas and Denver shows: http://meanboyspodcast.com Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "New Names", "Cum Town Fan or Sex Offender", "Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake", and "The Tom Goss Lightning Round". Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Luis J Gomez on Twitter: twitter.com/luisjgomez Follow our guest Eli Sairs on Twitter: twitter.com/elisairs Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. You're goddamn right. We're doing the live show from New York. And a quick disclaimer, we had some technical difficulties with the audio at the Creek in the Cave. We weren't able to get the direct board recording. So what you're hearing is a recording from the Zoom's external mic. It doesn't sound amazing, and we're aware of that. We apologize, but we've gotten some tweets about it.

We know you guys wanted to hear it, so we're going to throw it up on the feed anyway. And it's not terrible. You're going to know it's not the buttery crispness of the standard. Of the usually highly produced, like dark side of the moon of podcasting that you've been accustomed to. Speaking of technical disclaimers, we did or we attempted to do a round of podcast fan or sex offender with Nick Mullen from Comptown. Very happy to have him on. Shit went real sideways real quick on that. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, however they downloaded the PowerPoint, all of the people that we'd pulled up just turned into white squares. Yeah, well, the Creek in the Cave does this interesting thing where instead of tech guys, they just hire a possum who is eating an entire bag of marijuana. So yeah, it's three different dudes showed up, each one higher than the last. Just like, yeah, I don't know what a PowerPoint file is either. Yeah. Okay. So I think I can fix this right now. Just quick question.

What is a computer? So yeah, you're going to hear about eight minutes of awkward riffing, and that's what that is. Yeah, we'll be fumbling through. That said, this was an incredibly fun episode. Thank you to everybody who did it. Nick Mullen, Louis Gomez, Karen Feehan, and Eli Sayers. Thank you guys for coming out. You guys packed that motherfucker out. It was awesome.

Standing room in there. Way to make us feel welcome all the way over there on the other side of the country. It was great to see you guys. Yeah, it was a fun time, and it's only borderline unlistenable. No, it's pretty good. The bad one comes out next week. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait till you see the Fort Wayne in the

End episode. If you want to hear some of your favorite podcast hosts die inside for 45 minutes inside of a TGI Friday. Speaking of feeling welcome in other parts of the country, the Mean Boys are going back on the road. Yeah, you're goddamn right. We are, Keith. May 30th, we're at the Jackpot Bar and Grill in Las Vegas, Nevada.

And June 1st, we're at the Comedy Room Room in Denver, Colorado. Tickets are on sale now. There's going to be a link for those in the description. And I cannot stress to you guys enough how much we just bought the flights and we need you to show up because we might lose money. Yeah. Yeah. But those shows are going to be great.

We've been trying to get out to Vegas and Denver for Live Mean Boys for a long time and we're fucking excited to see you. Tickets are $10 because we know that fucking times are tough. There's no Drake minimums or any silly bullshit like that. You just throw down a Hamilton

and you get yourself 90 minutes of Mean Boys. And guess what? We're accessible and lonely. We will hang out with you after the show. Yeah, if you think we are not going to just be your friend for a few days if you buy a ticket to this show. Yeah, yeah. We're going to go to fucking the Chicken Shack in Henderson. The Don Carlos of Las Vegas.

Hell yeah, dude. And we'll have a little meet up there. And we'll find something to do in Denver. And yeah, come on out. It's a great time. We'll spray paint your shit. We'll be slinging buttons. You know, you can pet Tom. If you want us to sleep on your couch for a while, come on out. It's a great time. We'll spray paint your shit. We'll be slinging buttons. You can pet Tom.

If you want us to sleep on your couch for a while, hit us up. Oh yeah, we do need some couches to sleep on. So holler at you boys, meanboyspodcast.gmail.com if you want to send any couch leads, games, or anything like that. Or leave us a voicemail at 304-805- 6326. 6326. What does that spell out? Mean.

Mean. M to the E to the A to the N. Yeah, but I say the regular numbers because it's not 1987 anymore. Yeah, nobody knows what that means anymore. Yeah, they're like, what? So that's going on. And if you guys live in another part of the country and you want us to come see you, go ahead and fill out that tour sheet. Throw your email down.

Let us know the closest major city you want to come out to, and we'll book around that. That's how we booked our last tour. It was a great success. And we, I can only speak for myself, but I've been like heroin jonesing to go on another tour since we got back from the last one. Oh, absolutely. I can't wait to just be out on a bus and fucking, just with no obligations but to come and yell dick jokes

at you guys. Yeah, I want to come fuck up the South, so get at us. Yeah, yeah. So we'll be announcing more dates soon. We're going to be on tour forever. If we get 40% more popular, I'm not going to have an address and I'm just going to be on tour forever. If we get 40% more popular, I'm not going to have an address, and I'm just going to live on Ryan Colby's couch for the rest of my life. Just vagabonding.

Yeah, yeah. And Patreon is still rocking and rolling. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. Five bucks a month gets you weekly bonus content. Ten bucks a month gives you a monthly goody. Derigered. Derigered. Delivered directly to your door.

At this point, we're basically furnishing your house. You've got a whole kitchenette set with nihilist quotes on it. It's a whole lot of fun. And it helps us continue living inside. And we just cracked 1,500 for the first time, so thank you for that. And once we get to 2,000... We are doing another Snark Week. And we are terrified of that reality, so please make it come true.

And if you love the show and you want to help us out, but you're a cheap fuck, you can always leave us a review on iTunes. It only takes a second to do. It helps us out. It makes us look legit. Even though nobody listens to this podcast,

we've got more reviews than a lot of people that make way more money than us. It is straight up baffling. When we get to 400 reviews, I will bring my mom onto this show. Yeah, and we're going to have

to commute to a trailer park in Fresno, which is, you know, probably where we're going to end up anyway. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not like I'm a stranger to that drive.

I'll be like, don't stop at that gas station stop with a good one uh this review comes to us from swamp booty he writes hilarious five stars heard you guys in real ass podcast probably the best show he did so far it's like come town only funny and best of all no squealing stavros sounding like a japanese porn chew toy shots fired that didn't come that came from swamp booty he had some harsh words that is the second worst thing you're gonna hear done to a member of come down i know yeah i felt so bad it was like uh i i said it felt like you know when uh uh the germs were performing and then the sex pistols were in the crowd so darby crash tried to be extra edgy yeah i was just like oh i

gotta show this show them the west coast guys so then i farted on a cripple yeah we say retard too man tar tar gay tar yeah man so yeah thanks thanks everyone that came onto the show and fucking stooped to our level uh we were big fans of those guys and they're just like oh yeah nothing worked you know it felt like i was like all right i'm gonna pay twelve thousand dollars to fuck my favorite porn star and then i couldn't get hard that was essentially the uh the vibe of the whole night yeah uh but yeah i think that's just about it. Sorry about the audio quality.

We're going to throw Puerto Rican Rattlesnake up on YouTube. Subscribe to our YouTube channel, by the way. It just takes a couple of clicks, makes us look legit, helps us out. We've got some plans for some spicy new content coming to the YouTube, so you want to get on board now because it's going to get crazy pretty soon. Yeah, it's going to be good. And yeah, follow us on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. All that shit is at Mean Boys Podcast.

That's fucking unified branding, my friends. One team, one mean. Yeah, we just had a Mean Boys branding meeting where they're just like... That sentence makes me want to vomit. I know, it's so stupid. They're just like, so what is Mean Boys? Like James Lipton. And we're like, hmm.

I would say gay and dumb. Yeah, it's like gay, poor, angry, and sad. And they're like, so it's the Smiths? What is it exactly? And I'm like, I don't know. It's like a lollipop with the dynamite in it, I guess. It was a very tough evening for us. But yeah, we'll talk more about that later.

But anyway, without any further ado, enjoy this week's episode live from New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Memo! Hey! What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Memo podcast. Nice to see you guys. Sorry we started a little late. Yeah. Yeah, Tom is wearing his weird robot miner helmet.

Welcome to the future. Yeah, we've been... They would not let us near the World Trade Center Memorial. We try. They're like, you sure the fuck won't. They would not let us near the World Trade Center Memorial. And we tried. They're like, you sure the fuck won't. They wouldn't let us even hang out and smoke out where John Lennon got shot. This place sucks.

Three seconds, they're like, you guys gotta keep moving. None of us look like we've read any book, much less Catcher in the Rye. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. We're staying in a Hasidic neighborhood with our friend Dave Cyrus. That's been a lot of fun. All those, like, Reservoir Jew dogs walking around. Reservoir

dogs. Man, well, we've been doing this show for 45 seconds, and the phrase Jew dogs has already been said. But thanks for coming to the lab with me, everybody. I do like the idea of a reservoir dog that Mr. Blonde just cuts off your ear and then your foreskin.

That's been a lot of fun. It's weird seeing people in yarmulkes jogging. I just don't know if you're like, dude, where's the bris? What are you doing? I haven't seen one yarmulke I didn't wish there was a propeller on. I'm like, this could be a fun thing and not like a sad god thing, but he has it running. Tom's a

weed guy now. Tom got fucking stunned as shit with Luis Gomez outside the stand the other night. And then proceeded to have to, I had to like escort him back to the house like it was a shitty video game and I was trying to keep a girl alive in Resident Evil. Yeah, I just kept looking and I was like, wow their buildings are very up.

I just had no idea where I was. Stone Tom is my favorite person because he just turns into Winnie the Pooh. He walks like he's a balloon, and everything is mystifying, and he cannot find his pants. Like, does it at all? Oh, that's right.

I lost my pants. I know, and you only own one pair of pants. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, shout out to this guy who brought his girlfriend who's never listened I lost my pants. I know, and you only own one pair of pants. Yeah, shout out to this guy who brought his girlfriend who's never listened to the show before. Who I think took a very convenient bathroom break and missed the opening

anti-Semitic slurs. Don't worry, sweetheart, there's going to be more Jew stuff. Who all has listened to the show? Make some noise for the show. Fuck yeah! Who hasn't listened to the show? Make some noise. Alright, who is just now realizing

this is not the Mexican restaurant and they've made a terrible mistake? That was more than the first two. All the comics on the show. I wasted so much money on Reddit ads. Well, we've been having a great time in New York City and we're so excited to fucking do this. Thank you guys for coming out, and I think we're all fired up.

What do you say we get into our opening segment, the Mexican joke? Fuck yeah, let's do it, dude. So what we do here is we do monologue jokes, and to keep us honest at the live shows, we like to bring the dominatrix to beat the shit out of us when we bomb. We do, and luckily I have a friend who is a dominatrix in New York, so ladies and gentlemen, can you guys make some noise right now for Victoria and Brunette. All right.

Cheers, guys. I'm not going to fuck up a perfectly good shirt. Enjoy the meal of the ass, Frank, by the way. Ain't that? Very true. Victoria, thank you for doing this. Your torso looks like a frowny Bigfoot. I just realized that.

And your thigh is half down. I like that I'm losing a little bit of weight, you're gaining a little weight, and we're just kind of meeting in the middle as the same sad body. The Venn diagram of beef is just closing in on itself. It's a good thing by the end of the tour we're all taking our shirts off after all the fucking cheese marathons we ate.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's just like every city. It's like Pittsburgh. You've got to go to Primanti Bros. Like D.C. Oh, yeah, you've got to eat a baby with Hillary Clinton. There's just cat food at every location. And here there's pizza just readily available for a dollar at all times.

Yeah, we were in Philly and they told us about something called a Philly taco. Has anybody heard of that? If you're from Philly and you created that, kill yourself. You take a cheesesteak and wrap a piece of pizza around it. That's fucking nonsense. That's a war crime. It's trying to hague for that sandwich.

It's like a monster truck made of cholesterol, dog. Philly taco sounds like one of those sex moves you learn when you're a kid. Yeah, the made of cholesterol, dog. Philly taco sounds like one of those sex moves you learn when you're a kid. You're like, yeah, the dirty Sanchez, the Philly taco.

Yeah, the Philly taco is when you poop in her butt and then you throw a bell at her. Yeah, and then I fucking cream-pied a crackhead and gave her the old Philly taco. Philly taco sounds like a name for a horse pussy.

So how do you and Keith know each other? Because we are just meeting tonight. Me and Keith know each other through another dominatrix that would do shows with you, Catherine Walters. So we met that way. The point is, Keith is gross, all right? He associates with a wide variety of poop hulkers across the country. Look, man, if I didn't fuck weird, we wouldn't have a show.

Yes, that's true. My dick is the street team for making this first part interesting, so... Mind your P's and Q's, only one with a muscle on stage. That's barely there, dude. Alright, so what are you gonna be hitting us with? Looks like you got torture implements on Etsy. This is like a woven robe. No, baby, I made this for you. You made that? I made this for you. That is the most love anyone has ever shown Keith's body.

Do you get some sort of hurt-a-motherfucker merit badge for that? Yeah. That is straight-up quaint. That's like what a 72-year-old woman would use to dom her husband. This is what Martha Stewart used to hurt somebody until they come. Yeah, it's like you just took some of

Zachary LaRocca's hair. It's a bad thing. Oh yeah, well, alright guys, I'll

take us away this week. Kanye West's new album cover will feature a picture of the surgeon that killed his

mother. In a related story, Keith Carey's next album cover will be a swastika made of broken

light bulbs. Keith's mom's a heroin addict who fucks a lot of Nazis. That didn't seem like it worked super great. No, I feel like I'm getting hit for that. Okay, it's not that quaint. Oh man, that shit got

real modern, real fucking fast. That's a pretty good job with the knitting. Going second is so much worse because now I'm bummed out because I know it's not good. This week, four people died in a Waffle House.

Shockingly, neither of them were me or Tom. Safe. Throwing you under the bus for being fat is what I do. Yeah, exactly.

I took your crotch, fuckface. Alright. The U.S. Olympic Taekwondo coach has been outedface. Alright. The U.S. Olympic taekwondo coach has been outed for sexual assault. The instructor defended himself, saying, don't act surprised

the sport's mostly smacking wood with your hand anyways. Ah, fuck. Ah! Alright, I'm awake now. I knew you were in trouble because you added like five ounces to the book. Yeah, I did. It's a taekwondo. You read every joke like someone just woke you up from a park bench and asked you to read a chapter from a book in front of the whole class.

What year is it? Anyway, you caught some rye, I think. Fuck. All right, guys. A knife-wielding attacker has killed three boys and four girls at a Chinese school, bringing the total body count to four and a half people. All right, I think I'm safe. Yeah, you're safe.

All right. Oh, no. The subhuman. Oh! Jesus. A Texas police officer attacked an unarmed black man who was wearing an eye patch. He repeatedly called the man the N-word with a hard R. Damn. Wow.

That is excellent. Wrote that on the train over here. A decapitated goat was found near the New Jersey Railroad. I've heard of Roanhead, but this is ridiculous. Oh, son of a bitch. Alright guys, two Milwaukee police officers were acquitted after tasing a mentally handicapped man to death in a bathtub. The prosecutors blame the loss on his rubber ducky's testimony. You're a retarded guy. You're sitting in a bathtub with a rubber ducky.

You want me to tell him again? Alright, we'll do the tits this time. Why did I... Oh man! Alright, do another one. We'll do the tits this time. Why did I... Oh, man. Oh, she left a scar. Everyone knows it's from when I cut myself in high school because I wanted to be cool. How'd that work out for you, champ?

Yeah, not great. Oh, Jesus. Vern Troyer's death was ruled to be a possible suicide. These findings were released by the leading authority on midget self-harm, the Itty Bitty Wrist Slitty Committee. Goddamn, dude. Oh, boy. Alright.

A mother was arrested after her toddler ate some weed macaron macaroni, and cheese. In other news, the kid made some dope macaroni art. First kid who ever made a macaroni blacklight poster. Yeah, they want you to get hit. Everyone. I watch one man both laugh and go, meh. This is a very white showtime at the Apollo, where if a barista goes, eh, somebody hits you with a rope. Oh, this is Stan. Oh, you have a horse thing here.

Okay, yeah. Ow! Shit! That sounded like the worst one. Yes, thank you, I'm aware. We should hear it from up here. How are the non-fans of the show enjoying this? They are gone. They thought this was Legion of Skanks.

Piss off. Alright, guys. Iran has adopted a new messaging app that features a Death to America emoji. Social media expert Dice Clay remarks, we got one of those too. It's the two dudes holding hands! Oh!

Alright, I think I'm okay. Yeah, you're alright. Alright, I'm cool. I'm a father, hell yeah. A father removed his child's loose tooth using a crossbow, which is insane because I didn't even know Tom had a kid. Shit.

Alright, what are we doing? Well, turn around so they can see your back jiggle. Which is insane because I didn't even know Tom had a kid. Shit. Alright, what are we doing? Well, turn around so they can see your back jiggle. That's like half the run. Tight. Here's the problem. I'm sweating so it's wet and that didn't help. It's like I'm being this close to popping a skin tag. Which I don't know if it's like a Wonderball. There's like an army band inside there.

North and South Korea signed a peace treaty yesterday. We haven't seen this much relief in a midsection since Keith Carey took off his belt. I liked it. Yeah, you guys don't like me today. I'm getting hit a bunch. Yeah, Tom. I'm blaming you guys for this for some reason. You're not very good at this.

Give me the move. Yes. Ow. Ow. I like you doing the retard matrix where you're like, this is as far as I go. There is no score. The doctors took him away. They did. All right, guys. And finally.

Hey, first off, Have you guys heard the story About Keith fucking the dog Please tell me more No I fucked a lady While she watched A dog fuck a different lady Yeah

There you go You heard the story I've now told that story In seven different states Okay so anyway A YouTube user Was fined for posting A video of his dog giving a

Nazi salute. Keith Curry is just excited he finally found a girl he can bring home to mom. You have a few prerequisites you have to learn. A man plowed a van into a group of innocent people in Toronto. Under Canadian law, he will be charged with first degree rudeness. That was gently amusing.

That's the better nipple too. How will he nurse his young? The dog will handle it. A Florida man shot his wife when he thought she was a burglar. He had expected that to show up. I'm going to take that again. Tom, Tom, Tom. Give me this fucking doo-wop, that joke. Excuse me, Dap.

Doo-wop. A Florida man shot his wife. I'm getting into black comedy. He's repeating his premises. A Florida man. A Florida man. A Florida man shot his wife when he thought she was an unexpected burglar. The man was, quote, saying, yeah, there's a neighborhood problem. They're burning the shit out of my meatloaf.

Oh, God. Hit me twice. Yeah. Ouch. Ouch. Two's enough. I love it. Everybody talking to his, like, I want to punch you muscle.

All right, you're a lady. God damn it. That was the Mexican joke off that one. You know what's more so important? The first one we're going to do is one of our favorites. We had a blast doing the Real House Podcast with him just the other day. You guys are going to love him. And we'll just make a lot right now for Louis J. Gomez, everybody.

The Mean Boys are brought to you by Studio Headphones, everybody. Studio Headphones are a wonderful product. I'm wearing my right row. I got the right row. Right row. Right row. I'm going to give him a Scooby-Doo ad. That's not what it sounded like.

Jinkies, these headphones are good. Oh, like Zoink Scoop. I miss Mr. Ear. Oh, why'd he die in that? What Scooby-Doo character am I doing now? I don't know. You're doing Bad Shaggy. Oh, wow, dude.

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so they look good. Yeah, they look slick. I've said it before and I've said it again. These look like what you would wear if you wanted to listen to techno while you fucked in the Tron universe.

That's exactly what they are. Dude, bang a Tron, get it on. Get on these studio shit. Yeah, like a T-Rex or whatever. Yeah, you got options. They got Bluetooth capability

if you don't want to fuck with a cord. If you do want to fuck with a cord, you can throw that cord down. Tell them about the cord. Tell them about the cord tell them about the cord connor i will i this cord fills me with fucking vigor unlike any other purchase i've actually i got them for free but you guys should purchase them yeah uh yeah advertising keith yeah until we move the product

exactly yeah uh first you sell the cord then you get the women it's probably a movie i haven't seen a lot of movies yeah Yeah, I don't... He gets coke on his head? Is that the movie? Anyway... Old coke head. Old coke head. Old Italian coke head.

That fucking film. Yeah, but it doesn't tangle. It's fucking fantastic. Yeah, the court doesn't unlike that conversation. It's noodle flat. And honestly, I bought a pair of

headphones at Marshall's because I wanted a pair of earbuds. And I've just spent half my life fucking untangling these things. Yeah, it's a nightmare. It made me appreciate it so much more. And yeah, they got the little buds that just stick in with a little battery pack around the back.

They got a bunch of different cool shit. They got little fucking marble caps you can screw on the end so you look like a rapper's girlfriend. It's a wonderful company. And here's the thing. You use your headphones every day. You do. It's the thing you use all the time. Why not invest in the best version of it?

Yeah, and it's like, treat yourself to some shit. Every three weeks for a fucking shitty pair. Nah, get these. You deserve them. Don't treat yourself to a fucking nice meal. You're going to shit it out in six hours. If you're listening to this show, I feel confident. You're the level of good person where you don't deserve love, but you deserve these headphones.

Yeah, you deserve to hear the people that you feel like you're friends with better. Yeah, exactly. to hear the people that you feel like you're friends with better. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Our sound is what gives you life. And instead of being a cult, buy these headphones. Yeah, head on over to studioswedan.com. Use promo code MEANBOYSPODCAST. I think it is now.

All one word. If not, MEANBOYS15 or MEANBOYS should work. It seems like something we should check because it's mildly important. It's not important. They just told me, like, we're trying to track when people buy it. And I was like, all right, just fucking use one of those. They don't goddamn listen to it anyway. That's a very good point.

I've gotten no fucking email about Mr. Ear so they've never checked it out. What could they possibly have to say about Mr. Ear? I barely have anything to say about him. He ruins my life. Mr. Ear is straight up garbage. But Studio Sweden are the opposite of what garbage is. Yeah, they are fine stuff.

Hell yeah. Check them out. Listen like a ninja, etc. Lewis brought up some old racism versus young racism shit. Let's keep young racism alive. This is a game we made specifically for Lewis.

Oh, nice. I've been excited about this for a long time. They call it the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. This game is called Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake. We don't have to tell us what Keith tells you has been done by a Puerto Rican or a rattlesnake. Tell us the stories of violent crimes. Let's see who did which one.

Alright, I love it. Alright, beautiful. Alright, nope. Me too, man. Number one. A family of blank were found secretly living in the attic of a Miami high school. I think that was just Lewis. I think that was just something that you did. Hey, Ross, can you Skype me in from Miami? Miami, Miami, Miami.

You know what? There's not as many Puerto Ricans in Miami. I think there are rattlesnakes in Miami, so I'm going to say rattlesnake. Fair enough. Tom, thoughts? I'm going to say... What was this gay pinky jab you did? Hey, hold the microphone to the phone. I'm thinking of wording.

Shut up, faggot. I know two Puerto Ricans. One's behind me and one lives in Miami, so I'm going to go... Puerto Rican. You said one's behind me like you were letting him know you knew. I'm going to say that is a rattlesnake. Correct answer. That was snakes.

Yeah, you got me. I'm right. I'm always right. Number two. All right, we'll see. A blank got away with a robbery by swallowing the money. Who's that? He's the last person.

I was the first person. One of those huge packets from't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

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I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I do like a snake that's got the midsection of a cartoon of a dollar sign robber bag. That would be pretty sick. I've got to say it's a Puerto Rican.

Was it robbing a mice store? You mean a pet store, Tom? Sure, yeah. Maybe there's a pet store that's very mouse specific. You don't have to judge the pet owners. I feel like any store you go into is a mice story. Yeah. He fell down into the mice.

Why do you think his coat is so bumpy? He's got a whole team in there. You look like you tried to dress up like a mouse tonight and failed. A little bit, yeah. I mean, you do look like you've been giving gumption to CatDog all day. I'm going to go snake. I don't knowDog all day. I'm going to go snake. I don't know how this happened, but I'm going to go snake. All right.

What was your guess? Yeah, dude, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm really using my powers of deduction here. Puerto Ricans are very smart and very... You know, always eating currency. ...resourceful. And, yeah, I think that's a very Puerto Rican move to swallow the money after a run. Good guess. Incorrect.

It was a snake. Here's the thing about snakes. They're very smart. They're very resourceful. They are. Well, this really fucks up my whole Puerto Rican piggy bank business plan. That would be a hit. Number three. A blank choked an Instagram model to death.

Oh, this is Lewis in three hours. Kim, run! blank, choked an Instagram model to death. This is Lewis in three hours. Kim, run! Did you read my bio? You don't have a bio. Oh, shit. Choked an Instagram model to death. I mean, I feel like posing with snakes is not like a hot girl thing.

I feel like Britney kind of killed that on the VMAs for everyone for all time. So I've got to say that that is a Puerto Rican. What a shitty 90s reference. CatDog, the Britney Spears VMA. I turned into a BuzzFeed article all of a sudden. I think this service was provided by a snake. A service? Closed captioning

brought to you in part by snakes. You know what? No matter who did this, I've got to be honest with you, she probably deserved it. That was a snake, and it was a dude. A dude snake? Or the person being choked? I don't want to misgender a fucking pipe on it.

You should read the articles closely. Okay, Tom. Number four. A blank bit the head off of a chihuahua. Well, Lewis didn't do his clothes of the night, so he didn't give this one away. Yeah, I'm going to say that that's definitely a Puerto Rican. It was a losing dog.

It was in a dog fight. It was like, not in my house. Like Ozzy Osbourne did with that pigeon. Remember? There was a pigeon in the meeting and then a bat on stage. Wait, he's eating a pigeon? Yeah, I can't believe you guys didn't all know Ozzy Osbourne trivia. You stupid fucking asshole.

Yeah, Tom bites the heads off pigeons, okay? Hey, me and pigeons are copacetic. I'm going to say... Yeah, I'm going to say Puerto Rican. All right, Connor, you guys?

Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Hey! We got one more. But that's who all of us are. We deserved it. Which is the following.

Kill three people then hid in a child's closet in Rhode Island. Puerto Ricans are afraid of the dark. I know this. Yeah, but they're more afraid of the Jew. Sorry. Do they allow Puerto Ricans in Rhode Island? Isn't that where, like, it's just...

Is it just motherfuckers on yachts just doing coke and fucking people against their will? I thought that was Rhode Island. Yeah, they wouldn't put Puerto Ricans up in Drugs and Rape Island. Yeah, yeah. You pull into the turnpike and they got like taint swatches and they're like, alright, you gotta come with me. We gotta investigate. Yeah, I thought of Rhode Island... Okay, here's how they found out you're Puerto Rican. They make you do that knife finger thing

and if you go fast enough, you're like, ah, you gotta go. I'm sorry. It's a pretty white state from my understanding. I'm gonna go snake. I'm gonna go snake. I almost feel like it's also a state where one out of every three dudes own snakes. That does seem like a snake purchase.

Yeah, yeah, so I'm definitely gonna say snake. Sorry, is that all wrong? That was a Puerto Rican. Oh! Somebody had a pet Puerto Rican? You can't leave the cage open, man. They're resourceful.

And they ate his wallet. Yeah, it was the whole thing. All right. We're going to wrap this game up. You can see Lewis outside sunning himself later. This one's a little bit different. This is a speed round. This is just for Lewis. I'm going to read you some names. You care about a Adderall himself later. This one's a little bit different. This is a speed round. This is just for Lewis.

I'm going to read you some names. You'll give us Adderall? Sweet. What's up? You have to tell me if this is a breed of snake or a Puerto Rican rapper. All right. Breed of snake or Puerto Rican rapper. All right.

You ready? Go. River Jack. Rapper. Snake. Ivy Queen. Snake. Rapper.

Ivy Queen. Temperamento. Ivy Queen. Snake? Rapper. Ivy Queen. Temperamento. That's a rapper. That is a rapper. Maybe a Harry Potter spell, too. I don't know. Tick Palunga.

I think that's just the guy that killed Lewis's dad. Tick Palunga. It's in the Bronx somewhere. You killed my father and prepared to die. I'm looking for Tick Falango. He has six fingers on one hand. Puerto Rican rapper. That is Snake.

Fuck! Midget Fader. Midget Fader? Yeah. That has to be a Puerto Rican rapper. Sure is, and that's a fucking snake. Midget Fader is Yeah. That has to be a Puerto Rican rapper. Sure is, and that's a fucking snake. Midget Fader is the worst music magazine. They only need two tiny artists.

Dusty Pigmy. Is that your nickname? That's a snake. King Rat. That's his nickname. That is no snake. That was no snake. That's a snake. That's one.

Lin-Manuel Miranda. No, I'm just kidding. All right. I didn't get that. It's the guy who did Hamilton. That should have been funnier than it was. That's it for Puerto Rican or Red House Snake. Louis, thank you so much for coming in.

We'll see you guys on the next. Let us know about what you can do. We'll see you guys on the next podcast. It'll be nice to meet you guys on the stage. One of my favorites. Very funny people you guys have heard on the Comptown Podcast. Clap your hands right now for Nick Mullin, ladies and gentlemen. Nick Mullin.

The motherfucking Mean Boys are brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Inexplicably, as we are every week. You know when you say a sentence so many times it gets hard to say? Yeah. You know, it's a toy boat, toy boat, toy boat. Yeah, it loses meaning. Yeah, yeah. For fucking years now, I think. I think it's hard to say. Yeah. You know, it's a toy boat. Yeah, it loses meaning. Yeah, yeah. For fucking years now, I think.

I think it's probably been about two years. Two years of Don Carlos. Yeah. And you know what? It feels good. They're a fine company, and the fact that they choose to sink to our level every day baffles me, but I'm grateful for their love. They're located conveniently across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store, and I gotta figure that's where you see the finest headliners in San Diego every single weekend

So pop on by Not this weekend, this weekend you see the greatest Headliner of the Madhouse Comedy Club Yeah, of all the bad That said, I will be going to Don Carlos On Friday, 100% for sure With Kyle Clark, so hit me up on Twitter if you want to come hang out Yeah, yeah, and that's the thing about

Your local mom and pop podcast We're very accessible We are around, I promise Yeah, we are around. I promise you, we are not too busy to get a burrito with you wherever you are. If you make it convenient for us, we will hang out with you for a while. Yeah. And what's sad is we'll be more excited to see you than you are excited to see us. Because you're like, someone cares.

Yeah, and I promise you, the charm of like, oh, it's Keith Carey. We'll wear off in 80 seconds. Oh, yeah. And then you will just be eating a burrito with a fat guy and his other fat friend. Yeah, there'll just be two people grousing and sweating while you're just like, so, yeah, I really liked Ludaclaus. Yeah, we don't talk about Ludaclaus anymore. Yeah, so fucking eat there.

Eataburrito.com is the website for the burritos. Download a burrito today. Yeah, you fucking, would you steal a burrito? Look, man, you either live in La Jolla or you don't. Yeah, I don't know. It's would you download a burrito today. Yeah, you fucking... Would you steal a burrito? Look, man, you either live in La Jolla or you don't. Yeah, I know. It's would you download a burrito

is the meme I was parodying. I got what you're talking about. I can't even be meta internet cool guy anymore. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, so go there, book a flight, take a train,

and buy one meal at Don Carlos in La Jolla, the burrito shop where you can burrito like a ninja. Indeed. Quang! Good story. I went out and dated a girl last night, and she's like, this is the first time

I've ever been out with a guy that's taller than me. I was like, oh yeah? And she's like, yeah, there's so many fucking Italians around here. Very nice. This next game we're playing is usually something we do with our fans, and Nick has a podcast called Comptown,

and we figured it's probably the only other audience that would work for it, so ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for a round of Comptown Fan or Sex Offender.

I'm going to show you an image of a man, all right, and you're going to have to tell me if this guy is a Comptown listener or a sex offender, and all these sex offenders

are within two miles of where we are right now. So keep your eyes peeled after the show. You may meet a star. Well, they're not mutually exclusive. In fact, there's a lot of overlap. So I don't know. I'm really glad that we got the Ace Tech guy on this show here. Can I just see what porn someone's watching on the projector

after hours? Alright, well there's a big reveal. And this led to me Google imaging. Do sex offenders have a logo I could put next to the Comptown logo? Yeah, actually they do. It's the pizza restaurant logo in D.C.

Oh, yeah. It's a triangle. It's an interlocking triangle. I don't know if you're into, like, pizza gate shit. Nick, just show him the tattoo. It's absolutely true. It's absolutely true. Yeah, that is a sex offender.

Good job, man. You win the free T-shirt. All right. There's no free T-shirts. You can all go fuck yourselves. Let's see the first one. Is that a Comptown fan or a sex offender? That's rough either way

Does he have him on his phone case? It looks like him without a mustache. Yeah, it's an ironic mustache. Sex offenders don't have ironic mustaches. Yeah, but does an ironic picture of a child on his phone case? You see, here's what I like is like Tom is like, I'm cool with sex offenders, just not vanity, all right? Don't have yourself on a phone case. That's gaudy. It's a little complex where we can be kind of racist. What?

And words, baby. I'm going to take context clues and say Comptown. Oh, okay. Oh, legit. You might let us guess the next time. No, it's all good. Alright, let's see the next one.

Comptown fan or sex offender? No, we haven't listened to this show. That's a sex offender. That's absolutely a sex offender. This looks like everyone's going to sell me turquoise jewelry. Yeah, Deanna Troi from Star Trek. She showed a healing crystal in a five year old. She smiles.

And we forget. She has the same smile as the lady who raped all my friends. So I'm going to say sex offender. True story. all Tom's friends got raped by an older woman, and he was left out. He got left behind. He didn't get raptured by that fucking

mom pussy. He's picturing him just eating a big bowl of Cheetos alone with the haunting sound of a sweet. Alright, let's see. That is a sex offender. I know that smile. I do like that you guys are all clapping for rape right now.

She just fucked a bunch of 16-year-olds. She's a hero. Next one. Nice. That's every white person. Sex offender. I'm sex offender. Who's cum is that?

Alright, well let's flick through it until you get to something that... Okay, that's... All right. I fucking got it. The boy is a sex offender, everybody. Wow. All right, next one. Oh, my God. I don't know. It's the same. Dog, is the Wi-Fi down?

I'm glad that the game is as slow effort as my sex. I would just like to know if I was in charge of Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake. Puerto Rican Rattlesnake was great. I agree. This is what happens when Connor does a thing. It was working earlier. That's way too much effort to put into a stand-up comedy show.

Oh, this is a podcast. I'm going to say Rattlesnake. What's going on, man? You got any insights up there? No, it was working earlier. Let's just go back to... See, it's fine then. Okay, yeah. And then you see... We'll just ghost you the first two over and... We'll just keep doing those.

You didn't say that like it was new information. Yeah. So here's what we're gonna do. Everybody pass my iPhone around. It's gonna take a while, but... Well, shit, everybody. Do you want to close it and reopen it, maybe? Will we rip up here? Who's the sex offender in the crowd? Come on.

Show yourself out. Who loves that boy pussy? I love these bookmarks. The Instant Rap Airborne and Malcolm and Eddie whatever on YouTube. Oh my god. Alright, so... Well, you do that one with the sex offender. You got the little dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then you're going to give all the answers. Oh my god, man.

Alright, on the count of three, can we all say fuck you, sound guy? One, two, three. Fuck you, sound guy. Okay, close the window. I got you. And let's just try to reopen the game. If that doesn't work, I'm going to kill myself. Does that sound good? Let's do our newest game,

teach Grandpa how to send an email. Here's my favorite part about this. Nick has a spot after this. So he's like, yeah, I was late because someone fucked up a PowerPoint at a podcast that sort of felt like they were trying to sell time chairs. It's just really good to meet you,

Mr. Comptown. I've heard a lot about you. Oh, thank you. Please, Mr. Comptown was his father. Alright, where are we at, buddy? Still got to get the file. It's, uh... Jesus Christ.

Oh, that sounds like good news. Alright, well, Spider-Man's fat friend is having a hard time. Alright, a couple of you guys saw him earlier. Wait, I want to know why that reference is so good to this guy. Nobody else knows Spider-Man's fat friend. Oh, okay. Let's just go over all the spoilers since the slideshows are working.

You first. Are you guys ready for the spoilers? No, no, no. They will kill us. What? All right. Let's see what we got here. We got the picture of Jared again.

That's good stuff. That was a good old. All right. Yes, that's okay. Okay, all right. All right, next. Not cum offender. Sex offender.

And... Dude, this sucks. Okay, well, that was cum-tum-fana-sex-offender. Here's the fun thing. That was hard, right? Yeah, the last one was both. So I... Oh, good.

Oh, Bruce Willis! Man, Thanos loves little kids. Who knew? That's not what you're supposed to use the glove for. All right. Oh, God. That's the fucking line! Oh no! Spoiler!

Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry about this. Comptown Fender, Sex Offender, let's breeze through this. Comptown! Sex Offender! The fact that this man has bulk orange soda in his home makes me think he fucked kids. Alright. That's V8 Splash. I'm going to go Comptown.

Let's find out. Yeah! Hell yeah. He's not a fan of Comptown. He's just the Comptroller of it. Alright, next one. Comptown found a sex offender. Comptown found a sex offender.

I didn't realize this actually just kind of looks like you The angle is taken from the point of view of a child So I think sex offender This is Edward Snowden That downloaded this Alright what are you guys saying Sex offender I don't know

That looks like his mom's house So who I'm going I'm going rapist I don't know. That looks like his mom's house. So, that's a good podcast, Dan. All right. Yeah, I'm going Compton fan. I'm going rapist. All right, let's find out. I'm wearing glasses from middle school.

I'm going to sit right here. Yeah, here's another problem I had. Most of the sex offenders in this neighborhood are black guys. And I was like, no one's going to believe that guy's a Compton fan. So, this was one of maybe six white sex offenders. All right, next one. Compton fan fan or sex offender? Again, it's the same thing with the mustache. His glasses are too big. Sex offender. I mean, if you're a sex offender, why would you wear those glasses? You know? Yeah, that's the point.

Alright guys, what do you think? Let's see. Let's see. I'm with you, sex offender. Next slide is what I'm saying. There you go. Yeah! Comptown.

And I just searched on Twitter for I love Comptown, and then this was the guy who just tweeted that. Was it weird because the auto-corrected text wouldn't let you write town? searched on Twitter for I love Comptown and then this was a guy who just tweeted that. Was it weird because the auto-corrected text wouldn't let you write talent? Oh, both. Jack Amico. Both. Let's just see it.

Both. This is one of your fans that turned out to be a pedophile, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He made a very funny video one time. Fucking a kid? He replaced that scene where Bane goes into that stadium and kills, or like, you know, blows up the floor or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he dubbed it over with Dan Ninen's stand-up set at that wrestling convention. So it's just Bane coming out and he's like, a little bit about me, I'm half Indian, half Japanese. So what we're saying is those kids are going to be fine. Well, they'll definitely be funny.

They'll be good at editing video. Because that's what you want. If you had Shane put this PowerPoint together, it would have been right for me. You may notice how he needs to compute. Yeah. And I don't think they know how to change it,

so his face is just going to be on stage for the rest of the show. I hope that in prison he has the same fucking Mickey Mouse bear ears that he... It basically looks like he's wearing the rest of your jacket. Where the stage is coming from. All right, that's all that's coming out of Founder your jacket. Or the same as coming from. All right, those comes out of Founder's Sex. Thank you for bearing with us. Thank you. Hey, everybody.

Keith here. Just reminding you, if you are in Las Vegas, Nevada, or Denver, Colorado, the Mean Boys are coming to you very, very soon. May 30th. We are going to be at the Jackpot Bar and Grill in Las Vegas. You know it's a good venue when it has and grill at the end of it. When it's like, don't worry, there's also ribs afoot. Yeah, dude, we can also microwave you a quesadilla if you're so inclined.

You can get bad food and bad comedy. And hey, if you're mad that you're hearing this for the second time, well, that's because you're one of the good eggs who doesn't skip the intros. Yeah, nice try, fuckface. Yeah, miss out on all the important news. Boom, you got embedded advertised. Where we mostly say the same things we do every week, but every once in a while there's a new date we gotta plug. Swallow it.

Yeah, and then June 1st, the motherfucking Comedy Room Room in Denver, Colorado. Five Mean Boys Podcast. Yeah. That's gonna be off the hook. Get your tickets now. They are on meanboyspodcast.com. Only $10. No drink minimums.

No tomfoolery. No mercy. Just fucking... Oh, there's gonna be plenty of tomfoolery. No mercy. Just fucking... Oh, there's going to be plenty of tomfoolery. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, absolutely. And it comes to you, boy, in Austin, Texas, June 15th and 16th. And then the 17th, Father's Day, I'm at the Secret Group.

And I will be headlining the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego this weekend. So come... This comes out Thursdays. It'll come Friday, Saturday. I have two shows each night. Yeah, yeah. May 23rd, taping a TV set for Truth TV in Chicago. This feels like sort of dueling banjos.

Yeah, yeah. I have more to eat. Yeah, let's one-up each other. No, I'm just, these are the ones I actually want people to come to. And that's blacklistnyc.com slash laugh tracks. Laugh tracks is spelled L-A-F-F tracks, of course. Yeah, and I will be in Northern California next week with Nicole Buchanan, Sacramento, Santa Cruz, Ukiah, and Blue Lake. I will throw those up as my pinned tweet on Twitter, at Keith Tells Jokes.

Yeah, and you guys did this to yourselves, all right? If you'd listened to the intros, maybe there wouldn't be so many ads. We only do this because we love you. Yeah. Or money. And we need your money. And I'm afraid of performing for no one. I'm not afraid of it.

I've done it a lot. It's just, it sucks, you know? Anyway, but here we go. Garnock or something. Yeah, it's technically a joke. The taco monster. They sound or something. Yeah, it's technically a joke. The taco monster. They sound very similar. Yeah, yeah.

This wasn't great. Back to the show. You guys are going to hang out with us and play one of our favorite segments. We're going to do new names, everybody. New names is where we are. We take something that already exists and give it a name we feel like is a little bit more appropriate. I'll take us away. This one is on our phone, so're gonna be fine. Yeah, there's no visual

component to this at all. Alright, first one, a new name for pregnant women, baby shitters. I'm sorry, man. Those one boys of dissent. You're gonna hate mine. I'm sorry your husband likes all these racist podcasts. This is like OzFest for him, honestly. New name for donkeys? Horse midgets? Alright. New name for Bill Cosby? J-E-L-L-O-J. Nice one. Enjoy the that's a good one.

Enjoy the one good one I wrote. Yeah, Keith and I were watching the Cosmic Verdict live. We're like, yeah, that's a really beautiful moment for Justice. What a great thing for some closure for all this women. Then he's like, wait, for Saturday? J-E-L-L-O-J. Yeah. New name for a hit and run?

Toronto Uber. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, Eli, I feel like you're a genie that just lives in a bottle of Jack Daniels. When somebody rubs you, you come out and just start saying folksy-ass shit. I love your look, because you always

just kind of look vaguely dusty. You just walked out of a Charles Dickens factory. Take off your hat for a second, and tell me that's not like Pigpen if you grew up. I don't know that. I'm older than him. You look like a Civil War soldier that got really into metal militia. All right, next one. New name for masturbation addiction, a beating disorder.

Damn. Damn. Yeah. New name for heart palpitations, chest dubstep. Whoop, whoop, whoop, no more beating. You guys know how, like, dolphins rape people? Okay, new name for dolphin rape, hashtag me tuna. Getting worse. She's got a C.

New name for a miscarriage, gods take backsies. Oh, Mulligan. Oh, shit, dude. You're just hearing about Not having one It's okay You should check in

A woman who's never Heard the podcast before How are you liking it so far? I love it Oh Why did you speak That sounded like You wanted us to fuck

On you in front of Your boyfriend later You're like I love it I want you to come Say slurs Into my clitoris I'm not gonna

Cuck you dude I already actually Did that in Milwaukee Yeah I accidentally I'm not going to cuck you, dude. I already actually did that in Milwaukee. I'm not opposed to it. I accidentally grabbed the ass after a long dance session of one of our fans, like the girl he was trying to get with, so I feel like a real piece of shit.

Don't. She's here tonight. God damn. These boys are savages out here. I love you. Fuck everyone. No mercy. Fans are for the weak. I don't know. You touched it last, bro. I love you. I used to think that. Fuck everyone. No mercy. Fans are for the weak. I don't know. You touched it last, bro.

You're fine. All right. Next one. New name for trans rights in the military. The second battle of the bulge. I've been waiting to do that for six months. New name for broccoli. Celery trees.

Alright, Tom, Tom puts the bad one in the middle. Tom works clean. New name for dorks on bikes, Schwinn cells. New name for a sex robot, R2-Me2. Wow. Holy shit. The second Me2 joke of the evening.

Very good. All right, guys. New name for a sex dream, an out-of-booty experience. New name for that BC Alley porn star, Mr. Hands, a horse-mosexual. I like that you referred to him as a porn star. He was in one movie. Yeah, it was a very iconic film.

Dude, that'd be so great if, like, Doc Johnson did a mold of Mr. Hands' dick and you had to buy it for, like, $90. Wait, were people told me to see that movie then the Avengers? I think he's going to get it. Can I use MoviePass

to watch Mr. Hands? No, someone here will be able to explain how to get to the dark web. Kanye's a white supremacist now, so Kanye's new album will be called 1488s and Heartbreak.

Not enough Nazis in the crowd. Alright, so 14 is a 14-word oath to oath to... We can't explain what this is. 88, H is the eighth number of alphabet, so 88 means, it means Heil Hitler, so it's, you know... My stepdad was in prison for a while. Anyway, continue my stepdad. From now on, a queef is a feminazi gas chamber. You said queef like you were getting punched in a street fighter game.

Queef! Man, this has been a rough show for gals. It's fine, don't worry. Thank you, Emissary of the Women Community. That's why I love the confidence of black women. I speak for everybody, and we're doing great. Next one. Rachel Maddow will now be called

Field Hockey Clark Kent. So, gay people who do drugs in theater will now be referred to as Twinker Tweaker Little Stars. Yes. God damn, that's good. This one's pretty rough, everybody. Middle Eastern pickup artists will now be known as Sandniggers.

When I ran that, Connor was like, you have to say that E so clearly. I didn't think you ran that by me. Oh, I ran it by Tom. Never mind. Okay, yeah. So you blog about these two. Me. Hey, remember when I talked about broccoli and you had sunbeam?

You fucking assholes. I know you people want it. Yeah, these could have been about vegetables, but you wanted them raw. I had six more fruit based puns and you guys confused them. You had six puns about Keith? Hey! He sucks dick over there! It tastes good! Yummy, yummy cum in my tummy!

Oh, boy! And he likes cake! I mean, that's why you suck dick is for the taste. He only sucks at digging if he's been in an oak barrel for ten years. Like, oh, okay, I'm getting some notes of Puerto Rican in here. Alright, Eli. From now on, a stop and frisk

is an n-word search. Man, that was rough timing next to mine. It did all right. I spread that out. Well, that's it for New Day Intercept. He's got to go back to the house when he haunts. On the Listening to Life podcast, tell them to party.

It's very funny probably. Thank you all. Should I leave? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before we close out the show, I do want to note that with all the racist talk, that the most diverse person

on the show is a Puerto Rican guy who is more racist than everybody. Before we get out of here, we're going to close out the show with our favorite segment of all time.

This is the Tom Goss lightning round. Yeah. For anybody who's never heard the show before, Tom describes things in insane ways. We should say real quick that we love you. Thank you for coming. Yeah. Everybody's never heard the show before. Tom describes things in insane ways. We should say real quick

that we love you. Thank you for coming. Yes. Also, we're selling merchandise in the back. It's not related. All right? Those are the two ideas

I said next to each other. Yeah. Tom, I mean, as you heard in new names, describes things in a batshit ridiculous way. So we used to sit in diners and yell stuff at us

and make him explain it. So he's called the Devil Edgy God. He called swans sexy geese. Overalls were shoulder pants. Naturally. No, you guys seem really amused by this. This is good.

But we wrote a list of shit. He hasn't seen any of these. We're going to put them on the spot here. Tom, are you ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a freestyle, kind of. I get it. All right, unzip your jacket. I's like a freestyle, kinda. They get it. Alright, unzip your jacket. I feel like you're gonna overheat.

It is hot. You didn't put a shirt back on! I didn't put a shirt back on! Over you, Jack! Well, Tom has achieved his final form as a Russian pimp. He shut down. Yeah, he's trying to get collection money from somebody after this. Someone give me a cigar.

Is that black living here? Can you pull one out of your pussy? Thank you. I'm grasping at straws here, guys. Alright, are we ready? I am the straw. Let's go. Are you guys ready for the Tom Gosselian? Alright, Tom. Yes. Let's go. All right, are you guys ready for the Tom Goss Lane? Yeah. Yeah.

All right, Tom. Yes. Describe rats. Rats. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, possums. Charlie Brown. The subway. Ground car. In the ground car. Good save. All right, nice. All right, Tom. Saxophones.

Saxophone. Sex trumpet. We have an episode title. Tattoos. Oh, tattoos. Tit paintings. Or chest paintings. Body paintings in general.

I'm speaking of tits. Go ahead. All right, well done. Speaking of the G-spot. Body paintings in general. I'm speaking of tits. Go ahead. Speaking of the G-spot. G-spot. The light speed of the vagina. Bite your penis Alright, craft beer Craft beer Better than you drunk

Heroin Heroin, the ultimate sleep Democracy Democracy, oh let's pretend we're all involved Yeah This is pretty good, you guys saved me How did I answer it? Oh, let's pretend we're all involved. Yeah. This is turning into a USA meeting. How did I answer it?

You just stole a bad ass word into profundity. All right, okay, you got name sevens? I do, yeah. All right, Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven shapes. Oh, shapes. Round, oblique, obtuse, square, circle, rectangle, and hecticon. Did you just say hecticon?

Hecticon. I like that you said, oh, pink, and that is the way that a color is. In no way is that a shape. Shapes and circles are just cousins. They're close. What, idiot? A circle is a shape. Yeah, I said circle.

All right, name seven things you love about New York. Okay, big, subway, the train, subway and the sandwich, Statue of Liberty, that's bad, too many people, bad, pizza, sandwiches, and I said the train. Not in Los Angeles. Name seven people you could beat up. Okay, Connor. Keith. All of you. French people. People with diabetes.

The president. And the midget from the Avengers. What? There's no midget. All right, Tom, name seven things that live in the ocean. Okay, water, fish, plants, um, oh, uh, uh, Oh, waterfowl. Rocks. Tuna. Garbage.

And eels. You got any more? I can do one more. All right, Tom. Name seven different kinds of facial hair. Okay. Beard. Mustache.

Petal mustache. Sideburns. Apache. Apache, not Apache. Eyebrows too big. Shaved eyelashes, whatever people do. And soul man. Soul patch. Soul patch. Soul man. Alright, does anyone have anything they want Tom to rename? Just shout it out. No, alright.

Wait, what? Pizza. Pizza? Oh, flat sandwich. Cows. Cows? Giant food dogs. Fireworks. Fireworks?

Fireworks? Bang, bang, air lights. Alright, let's deal with three more. iPhones. iPhones. iPhones. Very creative. Talking Game Boy. What?

Anime. Anime? Oh, cartoon porn. Periods. Periods. Oh,outine wounds Holy shit Routine wounds

That's the time guys I have to go Thank you for coming It's amazing It's the most fun Of my life I love you very much We're going to have to

Show up the same way Every week On the count of three Everybody say Fuck everything God is dead One Two Three Fuck everything very much. We're going to have to show up the same way every week. On the count of three, everybody say, fuck everything, God is dead. One, two, three, fuck

everything, God is dead. Later, guys. Don't hang up. Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!! Outro Music