Mean Boys - EP 129 - Kindergarten Waco (feat. Hampton Yount)

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

Get tickets for our Las Vegas and Denver shows: http://meanboyspodcast.com Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Suicide", and "Anne Frank". Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by [Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California](eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Hampton Yount on Twitter: twitter.com/hamptonyount Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What? We got Hampton Yunt in the studio, one of my favorites. Really appreciate Hampton stopping by. He was fucking fantastic. He's fucking great. Everyone check out his album. It's fantastic. Both of his albums are awesome.

Suicide Buddies, Label Mates with us on Starburns Audio. Watch Mystery Science Theater, The Return on Netflix. He's so good on that. Yeah, he does a lot. Everything he does, he's the King Midas of riffing too much. He's really fantastic. And I'm sorry that I lost 20 minutes of riffs. He's the King Midas of riffing too much. He's really fantastic. And I'm sorry that I lost 20 minutes of riffs.

So you're going to hear that in a second. Just letting you know, we lose a little bit of audio, but we go back into it. It's still a fucking great long-ass episode. Hampton was delightful. All of his links and shit are going to be in the show notes. We are going on the goddamn road, gentlemen. May 30th, we're in Vegas at the Jackpot Bar and Grill. And June 1st, we're at the Comedy Room Room in denver colorado and tickets are on sale right now go to mean boys pod tech pod go to mean boys every time i start broadcasting well i'm like this isn't

what we do yeah i gotta throw a monkey ranch in this guys let's all be friends come to vegas come to denver or be in vegas and then go to the show in vegas yeah exactly we'll hang out with you i'll take we're going to the chicken spot in henderson you're goddamn right we're go to the show in Vegas. Yeah, exactly. Friendship. We'll hang out with you. We're going to the Chicken Spot in Henderson. You're goddamn right we're going to the Chicken Spot in Henderson. I'm going to finish editing all the other vlogs and then I'm going to film that bullshit. It's going to be a great time. Yeah, we will spray paint your shit. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And fucking come do

that. We're very excited to see you. Those are going to be a lot of fun. Those are two cities we want to hit for a long time. And leave us a review on iTunes because guess what? When we get to 400 reviews, we're going to learn witchcraft and do a show with Keek's mom. We're going up to Fresno. We're setting up the rig at the fucking trailer. Instead of hearing creaky chairs, you'll hear like couches with plastic on them.

Yeah, we're going to do rails of a Ouija board and summon my mother. Exactly. So Mr. Tilesworth writes, great, five stars, family-friendly podcast for the PC workplace. And then he put the horny devil emoji. Oh, man. This is an entry into the Mean Boys horny summer series. We're horny all summer. Yeah, a new mildly official series.

I think this is the first time all three Mean Boys have been single at the same time. I think it is, yeah. Oh, my God, you guys. We are going to fuck each other. Hell, yeah. 600 iTunes reviews. Welcome to the morgy. Show your work.

The mean orgy. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. We're doing vlogs. We're doing episodes. We're doing other cool shit. It's all up there. We just did Puerto Rican Rattlesnake with Luis J. Gomez live in New York. You can watch that motherfucking video.

And while you're at it, give us a like on Facebook, a follow on Instagram, a follow on Twitter, and get on our goddamn email list. Let us know where you live and where you want us to come. And that's how we booked our last tour. It was a great success. And we want to go see everybody

in every part of the world. Australian people, we got like five tweets from you the other night. Y'all kind of gang banged this and I looked it up and flights to your dumb continent are like $1,200.

So if you, hey, if there's a thousand Mean Boys fans I don't know about in Australia and everyone fills out the Google Doc, maybe we'll start talking to bars. But as of right now, you guys got to let us know. If you buy my ticket, I will go out there. I will do stand-up for you wherever you want and then fight a kangaroo for your entertainment.

But it's really expensive. Yeah, I'll say it because it seems like an insane thing our fans are doing. If you pay for us to go to Australia, we will do a show just in your house. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll do it nude, bro. I'll relapse and just fucking get shit-faced with you. It'll be a tie. Yeah, Tom

will die if you bring him to Australia. Always wanted to go. For sure. Because it's very dangerous to introduce him to the ecosystem. He's like the human frog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As far as places we are actually going,

this Thursday, I will be at Laugh Sun Limited in Sacramento at 9 o'clock. Friday, I will be at the E&O Lanes in Blue Lake, California. And the 26th,

I'll be at the Alley Bar and Grill in Ukiah, California. Oh, and your boy is coming to Bentonville, Arkansas June 14th. And then Austin, Texas at the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas,

the place where I just said I was going. In Austin, Texas? Yeah, in Austin, Texas. What part of Texas? Austin. Where's Austin? Do you mean Houston? No.

Okay, can we fly to Austin, Australia? Yes. Stone Cold Steve, Australia. Here he is with the steel mosquito. Yeah, so get tickets for that. It's on my website, economyspad.com. That's going to be a lot of fun. I love Austin.

I love doing stand-up. Why wouldn't you want to be a part of these two things and bring a ray of joy into my cracked, dark life? Stutter more. Stutter more. I don't know. I was trying to make it sound edgy and cool, and I was like, I don't know, man. man hey no you really showed us yeah and uh tomorrow night

i'm taping that tv show in chicago so go on my twitter or hit me up if you want to come uh all the links you can find the links but if you're too lazy to do it i will help you because i'm at the level where i have a very good level of customer service with my few fans you know i'm very i get back to people homeboy is is accessible. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I play hold music, you know, while you're tweeting me. I'll be like, listen to Unknown Pleasures while you wait for me to... You're playing edgelord hold music. Yeah, yeah.

You guys, everyone, just put on the Smiths, and in a few minutes, I'll tell you where to click. I've had a music cover of Bauhaus. Yeah, totally. Oh, also, this is a new thing. We want a jingle for the mailbag. So if you'd make music and you sent us, we'll use whatever jingle we get until,

if and when, until we get a better one. So if you want to make us a jingle, I think that would be a lot of fun. Yeah, jingle it up. If you can find a way to combine Adele and Slipknot, that's the kind of vibe I'm looking for. Well, I feel like you just ensured we're going to get a lot of really bad vibes.

And I appreciate that, Tom. Yeah, and just a brief note about some of the subject matter on this episode. We think that suicide is very funny, and everybody should do it. Yeah, I really give out some information. I don't know if many Mean Boys fans know, and the point is

fear me? This is a weirdly especially having hands on a very sincere episode of mean boys yeah yeah it's still funny it's a lot of 69 jokes and then also like yeah life gets hard yeah midway through this show shit gets uh mad real but uh it's still very funny and it's uh we think you guys are gonna date even though it's a little different than what you're used to yeah um if you weren't afraid of me before. Oh, boy. I like that I'm trying to be like, yeah, we grow as humans.

And Tom's like, yeah, you should fear me. Give me more knives as a tribute so that you may survive my wrath. Yeah. So, everyone, draw like a pentagram of blood on your door if you want to be marked safe during the Gaspocalypse. I actually want to clarify, based off of of the things I don't know if I said this in the episode I've never I've never hurt anybody no I like it Tom

Tom no no it's like very important that people don't know because I talk about some kind of scary shit it's very important I've never ever ever done anything no hurt no yeah I just want it because it

gets a little weird I mean he came all over the bathroom but you'll hear about that in a week. Yeah. That's on the Ramsey episode. Drop me soon. But other than that.

I was never dangerous to other people. I just wanted people to hear. No, you were. And yeah, we joke about shit, but Tom is a sweet and beautiful man. And I joke too, but I was like, oh, this episode, maybe I should just take that moment to clarify, because I didn't do it during the recording. So Tom is definitely safe. Yep.

So enjoy the show everybody uh this week's episode with hampton yunt wow hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast most people hear yanny but i hear Mean, think it's a mean, think it's a mean Think it's a mean, think it's a mean, think it's a mean Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Most people hear Yanny, but I hear my neighbor's dog telling me to kill again. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpend. I'm Tom Goss.

I'm Hampton Young, and I have been a listener for many years. Chug up on your mic, Hampton. Oh, is that not close enough for you? Uh, yeah, good, good. You want to shove it down my throat, you fucking piece of shit? Yeah, dude. You want to be a star, don't you? You want to make it a podcast?

Just sit on the couch and we'll make you a star. Yeah, sure, we've got 100 more episodes than you, but we've also got 40 more iTunes reviews. I mean, who's doing who a favor here, pro? I literally was looking up your pod. I was like, oh, man, their Patreon is doing so well. And then I was like, oh, they have 100 more episodes than me. Yeah, no, we're not actually doing good. We've been toiling for longer.

Yeah, wow. The shit got real. Yeah, we are tunneling out a shot. I'm very petty, and I'm always checking everyone's Patreon. Oh, dude, I tweeted the other day. That's the only thing that gets me out of bed is looking at people I hate and their shitty Patreons. I was like, oh, that's right. 40 bucks? Awesome.

I look up Trump's Patreon every day. Yeah. We had a thing with Richard Spencer. We were trying to beat Richard Spencer. He had a Hatreon, which is like the alt-right. Like, no, you can't DDoS us. Patreon, you know? And I think that service got shut down, which sucks.

Does it? Does it really suck? Yeah, it sucks. Was it really called Patreon, or is that like a nickname? No, that's what it's called. It was called Patreon. It's called Patreon.com. At what point do you not realize you're a super villain when you're literally on Patreon? Yeah.

That sounds like the worst transformer. The Legion of Doom would have just been like, this is over the top, man. It's a Dodge Neon that turns into a swastika. It's Patreon. It's like how that robot turned into a burning cross. I was going to say, Hatrion just transforms into the N-word. A gigantic version. It doesn't even do anything.

How does this help us? It starts off as the N-word. Now they know. It starts off as the N-word. It transforms, just adds the R. That's what Hatrion does. Hard R, join the assembly. The Negabots.

The Negabots. Dude, Hampton Yuntson. I fucking love Hampton. Hampton Yuntson, the fucking oven. He's putting his head in the oven. Hampton has a podcast called Suicide Buddies, and I should be clear, this is a podcast where you mock the suicidal because they're stupid. I took a different slant, to what you guys have been doing.

You guys, you know, you mocked the disenfranchised. I was like, you know what? I'm going to get their money. I'm going to help them. Yeah, all that money that could be going to the Trevor Project is now going to buy you MTV shirts from Macy's. All of that cash flow just going right to Graphic Tees.

Are you referencing the shirt I'm currently wearing that people cannot see on your podcast. We do that sometimes. Hampton, again, take notes. You're new to this podcasting thing. We never make it about the audience. It's always about what's happening that they can't see.

The important thing is we're bad at broadcasting, and now you're stuck here. Yeah, yeah. You already – the gate locks from the inside. If you want to leave, you have to go. They're not talking to me. I've been locked inside this house. I'm not getting derosed either. We're doing a full show with you.

All right? Do you understand? This isn't WTFuck. This is What the Fag. Classic. What the Fag? Yeah, dude. With Keith Carey.

I was cool. I just shit my pants for a way different reason. Nothing to do with coffee at all. I can't lock the gates. Just me diapers. That's our sponsor. Me diapers.

You want to look fashionable after getting fucked in the ass and your anus prolapses inside of your rubber pants? At some point, Mark Barrett turned into a cabbie from the 30s. He's really been chasing that voice.

I got a lot of cash. Welcome to Crack Weldon. It's all your finest chaps in one easy shopping location Yeah let's go fuck over some more sponsors We could actually maybe get now Do you guys want sponsors? We already have I figure a fleshlight must be easy for you guys

Oh fleshlight I don't know how we haven't tried to orchestrate that I've besmirched the good name of fleshlight on the show Are you tired of coming in pussies? Why not come in a latex glove? Dude, I had a flashlight, and it wasn't that great. The best masturbator I ever had was that fucking, that one that girl bought me. Yeah, it was cute.

No, it was just like a black sock. And it was funny because you put it on, and it looked like you had a big black dick. Oh, yeah. I've seen those. Yeah, yeah. That does look better. I'll say this on the potty, even though my mom listens. She's like, I left it under my bed in a towel, and then one day it was just gone, and I'm

sure my mother threw it away. This was when you were living at home? Yeah, yeah. I was like 15, probably. How ambitious as a young child. I'm also lying. I was probably 22. How were you already so burned out on judgment?

Yeah, that's what I was saying. I was still fucking different fingers of my hand. It's like going from a wine cooler to heroin. You skip a lot of like downward spiral. It was a Christmas gift for my friend Kathleen. I got her a dildo from Spencer's Gifts and we had a gift to the Magi thing. That's funny. You're not supposed to actually fuck yourself with anything from Spencer's Gifts, dude.

The Wiggler I got, I got rave reviews. Those are not for internal use. Those are decorative dildos What if your mom took it and just jerked your dad off with it because it was funny I mean that would be nothing would be funnier

That's so funny Yeah And didn't tell him until right when he was coming What Oh I'm like oh And that would make you

Eskimo brothers with your uncle though That would be Wait what That's a callback to It's a callback to Nice boys You guys all being Eskimo brothers Oh we already are I imagine you've all come in at least one your uncle though that would be wait what that's a callback to it's a callback to nice boys you

guys all being eskimo brothers oh we already are imagine you've all come in at least one person that's correct yes yeah yeah yeah how many people have you come in you know how many people have you come to 69 dude 420 not one more not one less there's a beautiful woman who's like, Hampton, I want you so bad. He's like, I already got the perfect fucking situation. You get to 420 and then you put your dick in a guillotine. It's like, no more. That'd be so great. Crimes against the French government.

Oh my God, late Jizz-a-Rob. Yeah. Late Jizz-a-Rob. Well, it's like after you hit 70, you're like, well, I got to make it to 420. Because I had it made when it only fucked 69 people. I would have stopped at 369 just in honor of Little John and shit. I think that would have been the perfect. He's done a lot for the community. Okay.

The community of what? People that fuck people? People who fuck in numbers. No, the show community. Okay. So we broke. Dude, you suck so bad. I think we broke the podcast during, I don't know, one of the best Dude, you sucked so bad. We broke the podcast.

I think we broke the podcast during, I don't know, one of the best episodes we've ever been doing. We missed the whole Jim Crow. Let's just redo all the riffs we did. So Sampton plays Crow, and we did a whole Jim Crow thing, and then Brandon Lee was in Blackface. That was good. I did a talking during the movies thing. That's a good recap. Yeah, yeah, it was good.

That was good. I did a joke about gay people not going to heaven. The business as usual there. That was more like reporting. Yeah. Keith, we found out I got raspberry lung in the cheesecake factory. That was pretty great. Yeah, that was a timeless riff.

Oh, man. Treasured memories. Lost to the sands of Connor is bad at his job. Hey, man. Well, I had to... You know what? Yeah. Hey, man. Well, I had to. You know what? Yeah. Hey, man.

I'm a white man in his 20s who's had every opportunity. Cut me more slack. Hey. I made it. I made it. I made it. Yeah, Tom. Tom pointed it out. We have it in the bizarro realm where Tom saved the show.

Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to Topsy Turvy World. Yeah, Tom. Hampton doesn't even know you, and he laughed at that concept. It just seemed wrong to him. You can tell visually that I'm not, like, all about the organization, you know? I was going to say, just purely off of... I'm not categorizing shit.

Off of purely visual cues, the guy wearing a Punisher shirt does not have his shit together. That is not a together man. You missed me. I used to have a giant mohawk and I just shaved it because I had a panic attack at two in the morning and then I was shaving in the mirror crying. Did we meet a while ago? Yeah, now you remember. Now I fucking remember. Sorry, mohawks

are very identifiable. Yeah, we've met several times at Harp. Actually, one of the first Oh, weird, man. Yeah, yeah, and in L.A. but one of the very first times, like one of the first couple weeks getting into comedy. You know, I was at. Anyway, you want to fuck my wife? Just quit sucking my dick right now. Oh, okay.

Fine. We met when? I didn't think you were thinking about it. Fuck. I don't know. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm just mad to know that my lambasting of your graphic tees has lost to history.

That classic roast. That's right. Connor did get my t-shirt. Pretty good. Yeah, dude. Pretty good. We have now twice referenced a shirt on an audio medium. It's about milk?

It's a milk shirt? Oh, it's a band called Milk Teeth. They're really good. Oh, I thought it was like Milk TV or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's subversive. Okay.

You know, only me and Dennis Miller get it. Ed yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's subversive. Yeah. Okay. You know, only me and Dennis Miller get it. Edgy. Edgy. Edgy. Do you remember when that was the Nazi emoji for a while was milk?

Dennis Miller? Yep. The Dennis Miller emoji. White power, check, check. You know how when they were like, when someone buys a trending hashtag and they just put

a little emoji next to it, like when Larry David was SNL, they had a little Larry David next to the Larry David hashtag. That'd be so great to get a Dennis Miller like fucking hashtag with his like dennis miller emoji in there i would like i would just like crowdfund doing that we're not buying jizz that biz anymore we're making the dennis miller hashtag i didn't really realize you could buy that like

you could do that i got to figure that's how it works yeah you guys got to do that mean boys mean boys emoji oh what would it be That way all the little Japanese girls that secretly want to suck you off can follow you. It's no secret, Hampton. You know they're Japanese. That's what we need is a harem of small horny

Japanese. Yeah. Get those guys. Japanese. Japanese. Oh, man. What was her good That's the Asian Messiah.

I don't know why I got so Dude, we had a good Hannah Montana Asian thing, too, where Miley Cyrus is like being racist. In Japan, they gotiley Cyrus was being racist.

In Japan, they got them Chinese motherfuckers. I just want to say, during all the riffs, I was being very progressive. Y'all ever heard about Japan? Japan got them Chinese motherfuckers in there. It's crazy. How do all these Chinese get into Japan? Shit. Anyway, I'm the crow. I'm the crow.

The crow. Friendly is the crow. What was the Hannah Montana? It was just that she taped her eyes. Yeah, I was mentioning to you I'm the crow. The crow. Brandon Lee's the crow. What was the hand I wanted to... It was just that she taped her eyes. Yeah, I was mentioning to you that Miley Cyrus... Oh, I did. Yeah, the party in the DPK. All right, there we go.

You guys are all caught up. I think it was funnier the second time. Oh, totally. All right. We really kept all the nuance. I'm so pumped. Hey, guys, it happens. It happens sometimes.

It's fine. Hampton still likes us, I think. My first joke did very well for the listening audience because I have four more comments. I'll take us away. A Philadelphia kindergarten teacher found a bag of crack cocaine in the mouth of a six-year-old student. It's being held as the healthiest candy to ever come out of Mexico.

Wait, are we retooling the jokes? No, I just did that as a bit. We did that when we lost Daniel's lead. Why don't they just make the whole cocaine out of the black box? All right, next joke. Next joke. Don't wait on it. Next joke.

I'm just going to do the next one. I'm not going to do the next one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A blogger suggested parents should ask for consent before

changing their baby's diapers. Babies are supporting this movement by tweeting hashtag this many. Oh, yeah, you're doing act-outs on the audio podcast, but I can't make fun of one. Keith did the Asian peace sign for people who were wondering. That's also the white people peace sign.

No, it's only for Asians. Yeah, the Asians really took it back. Asians really embraced peace. I mean, that's a problem when you get new Singapore death squads. They really embraced peace. I that's That's a problem That'll happen when you get new Singapore death squad They really embraced peace I've been to Hiroshima Those people are very Very sensitive

Why do you think You are like this You just drank All the ground water In Hiroshima That's because you are Both a fat man And a little boy

Everybody in Hiroshima Just looks like A melted candle Like the beauty And the beast's candle Yeah yeah Everyone just looks Like Lumiere.

It's just like a whole town of funhouse mirror people. You're like, oh, hey guys. Well, yeah, this is a very popular like pose on Tinder. You're like the Japanese

creepy crawler factory. Yeah, this is like the peace signs, like a popular Tinder like picture. Oh, I see what you mean. You're right. You're just appropriating

people who fuck culture. It's always in like Instagram photos. They're always doing like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was raised Buddhist. I know what the Asians are up to. Everyone knows the real Asian pose is crouching while smoking.

That's the number one pose of our... I eat Buddhist. Eat the Buddhist like groceries. I eat a Buddha diet. Man, I wish ISIS had killed some people in Singapore this week. I would have had... We could have done a great joke. We'd eat the curious, like, groceries.

Don't worry. I'm sure they'll get around to it. They'll get there. Yeah, yeah. I think ISIS in Asia are kind of cool. They're just like, I don't fuck with you. You don't fuck with me. I can't tell if, like, has ISIS been, like, more chill lately?

I think someone was saying this the other day because I was making an ISIS joke. They're like, I don't think ISIS is a thing as much anymore. Like it's Pokemon Go. They're like, what more do we have to do? You remember that summer where we all got really into ISIS? We're terrorists. How are we out of fashion? If you're bored at blowing up a school bus, I've got nothing for you.

Hey, we've got that plenty in America on our own. We don't need you, ISIS. Ooh, I got nothing for you. Well, I know they're called Hey, we got that plenty in America on our own. We don't need you, I guess. Ooh, political. The end. I'm the Russell Brand of politics. Have you all noticed my crotch?

It's political. Meet me little tiny Mr. Man penis. My little Mr. Girl Man penis. See, you're a bit daft, innit? When it comes to gun control, you're a bit daft, innit, when it comes to gun control. You're a bit daft.

See, is that the cuss? You're being too edgy. It's the PC police. Am I being a bit too political? Is my penis being a little too political? What I did for getting Sarah Marshall gave me license

to be a big cunt about everything. Even though I've only done very mainstream projects, baby. I'm Austin Powers now, I guess. Austin Brand really is like the difference between Austin Powers and Chris Angel. If you put them together, you get Russell Brand.

There's like an Animorphs cover somewhere. Yes, exactly. What was that Jewish mysticism religion? Kabbalah. Yeah, he's like an Animorphs cover somewhere. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that Jewish mysticism religion? Kabbalah. Kabbalah. Yeah, he's like if Kabbalah came alive. Kabbalah. He's just a living person.

Yeah, he's a lot. None of it means anything. None of it means anything. I can't tell you about it. And they've both been inside Madonna. My penis learned how to do yoga, right? Inside of your girlfriend's vagina. Yeah.

He's doing a downward dog inside of your vagina. It's like the third eye is the spirit and the fourth eye is me penis. And I put it in your brown eye. I like... The fifth eye. The most enlightened of all the eyes. The body is 90% eyes. It's a Mighty Morphin's

Power Rangers character. It's all eyes. I'm brown eye. I'm covered in assholes. He's talking to like a young... I don't know why they tapped me in to fight the Power Rangers I have no useful skills How do they feel about bubbles? That's all I got

He's talking to some chick that just took a Leslie Kahn acting triage and he's like the ancients believed in a full thigh and she's like it's going in my butt isn't it I hope I get to do background get him to the Greek too He's like if's going in my butt isn't it oh man I hope I get to do background on get him to the Greek too he's like a Hogwarts head pickup artist

I'll just slither into the vagina we're going to look to Brand Boys let's do the whole podcast with Russell Brand I don't see this getting old at all

whose turn is it Tom's it's mine whose turn Tom's you did it like we yeah. Whose turn? Tom's. You did it like we were going to do. Run's house. Ten children were moved from a home where they were hit by crossbows, BB guns, and waterboarded.

Pretty much an overnight camping experience, mice getting fingered by a man with a guitar. I was like, oh, man, Jackass is going crazy. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is child abuse. This is Johnny Knoxville. This is PMRJR. We're doing the Drowning Children Challenge. Hey, I'm just shooting a kid point blank with a BB gun. I'm Chris Pontius, and this is Kindergarten Waco.

I know this is a terrible opinion to have, but when I read that, I was shocked that none of those kids got molested, too. I mean, I got to figure they did. It's just not in the paperwork. Yeah, I don't know. They usually say that. You know what? They're not braggers. That's why they didn't say it.

All right, so theoretical question. You're 10 years old, and they're like, look, you can either get molested or get shot with a crossbow. I don't know. I take the molestation. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question. Ritualistic abuse the molestation I mean Yeah I don't know That's a good question Ritualistic abuse Or molestation

Guys This is the McLaughlin group You thought It's got around With the crossbow Alright boys What would it be Ritualistic abuse

Or molestation This is the Suicide buddies Pruced questionnaire Like in Vanity Fair Where they're just like Alright question number four Crossbow or pinky

What do you think With the crossbow I guess crossbow Honestly When I was eight I got shot with the crossbow, you can realize crossbow, honestly. When I was eight, I got shot with a crossbow, and you show this cool scar. You get molested. You can't whip your dick out. Like, someone milked me.

See, it doesn't work. I'm too anxious. Did you say someone milked me? Yes. Someone milked me. Christ. Oh, that's what milk teeth is? Yeah.

Boy, you city slickers don't even know how to milk children. You city slickers. An untrustworthy man with a bucket full of horror. Yeah, milk teeth is a child blowjob, I think. That's milk teeth. Milk teeth is just a condition that Keith has. Where it's like, are those like a fucking... My family refers to me as butter teeth.

Rescinded teeth. Your family. The people that are supposed to love you the most. Well, to be fair, you've heard how we talk about my family on this show. Yeah, that's a good point. Your family. The people who should support you the most. No.

As is the case in every family. No families have had problems. Hey, guys. Everything worked out all right for me. I'm sorry about that. An East LA Starbucks is under fire for writing Beaner on Hispanic Man's Cup. They're being sued for damages after everybody bumped their heads together when they called

their name. It's an East L.A., folks. Man, what a bold move. What a deet-de-dee. Am I right, everybody? That was a big deet-de-deet-deet-dee. Deet-de-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet. I love the idea that the guy who wrote that thought he had even half a shot of like

and I'm gonna get away with it too he can't post because he has cricket wireless and it doesn't work in this neighborhood it is kind of weird to be just so absent minded about like the ramifications of what the internet could bring you people can fire you immediately

you choke up on your mic I'm about to burp. Dude, burp into the mic, man. Burp. Did you burp the word rape? Zach Braff. You have to burp the whole edgy alphabet starting with A. Ganel.

Butts. Cock. Dicks. Man, it's so edgy to say dick and cock on stage. People are not expecting that. Man, you're trying to edgy one up me now. I feel insecure. I'm trying to think of a better edgy.

I'll tell you what's edgy. Saving lives. Saving suicidal lives, man. That's edgy. How did you turn your chair around so quickly? I became Matthew McConaughey. A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool?

Three dollars. What? I've been watching The Social Network a lot. A lot. I'm starting to be like, that might be maybe one of the best movies in the last ten years. I need to re-watch it sober because it was very boring. What a weird movie to create. Oh no, I was on a bunch of Klonopin.

Oh, you know what I recommend? Don't be on drugs watching this movie. You might enjoy it more. I needed it for like, it was boring. You know, I also was on Klonopin. I like the way most people would get

loaded and turn on the wall. You're like, yeah man, I'm gonna eat half a bottle of pills and watch this social network. I'm going to kind of learn some history from ten years ago. I was at my godparent's house. I started freaking out. Like, take the pills. A drug-addled mind and an Aaron Sorkin script. That is peanut butter and jelly right there.

Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. A woman was mauled to death by a pack of dachshunds. For more about a woman being destroyed by multiple wieners, listen to the joke about my mom I assume Connor wrote about it. No, I don't have it today. Very solid.

Thank you. Very solid writing. Thanks, man. Yeah. Set up, punch, made it about your friend. It's all good. Somehow that's the most hurtful thing. It's shattering positivity.

I'm like, hey, fuck you, pal. Good job, you know? Yeah, yeah. Chaos ensued in a Texas restaurant when a snake dangled from a spinning ceiling fan. The bar owner stated, it's a shame. This is the only southern state where we can't just feed it to the people. What? I don't know.

That was kind of long. It was long. All right, guys. That's what a snake is. Yeah. They're not all winners. That's their only thing. They're all neck. Yeah, yeah. Like sharks. Just like Keith's what a snake is. They're not all winners. They're all neck.

Like sharks. Just like Keith's mom. All neck. She's got a fifth eye, too. You want to fuck me and my other pussy? My other pussy? The other way. The other way. Yeah, yeah.

I forget what's the French word. Oh, yeah. Asshole. Assole. My assole way. Yeah, yeah. I forget what's the French word. Oh, yeah. Asshole. Asshole. My asshole. All right, guys. A man in Allen, Texas has been caught with 58 terabytes of child porn. To put that in perspective, that's almost enough stories to record half of the shitty

joke Tom just told. His joke wasn't even that long. It wasn't. He tried to milk it to me. More like. Oh, that's why you were all, ooh, you're bad at this. I was, yeah, I was trying to, I was trying to, yeah, I can't pull it over on you. More like terror bites.

Am I right, guys? Sexual trafficking is a serious issue, and America needs to deal with it. Got caught in some sex traffic on the way up here, guys. There's a ton of sex traffic on the 405 and the 105. It was on the 104 today. Chad Butler with the sex traffic report. Backed up all the way to the four and five. Well, yeah, I had to drive past cheetahs on Thanksgiving, and the sex traffic report. Backed up all the way to the four and five. I had to drive past cheetahs on Thanksgiving

and the sex traffic was ridiculous. Just a bunch of sad sedans that have different colored front panels from an accident. Just hide here, Dad. Did you bring a hungry man dinner with you on the road? Did you microwave that to eat in the car? Jesus Christ.

Here's the stupidest joke I've ever written. Scientists claim sharks love jazz music. Sharks agree with one saying, nah, Daddy-O, it's about the surfers you don't bite. You see, the sharks love the jazz music. The shark

comes swimming up and he's got the blowhole and he's got the fins and he's got the blowhole and the's got the fins and he's got the blowhole and the fins. And they come over there and they go, wait, what's going on there? He doesn't play any jazz. Skip it out. When Bill Cosby rapes you, it's's very jazz it's very free form he's all about the rest notes let's be honest yeah it's it's the thrusts i'm not doing

that's it oh yeah uh fucking uh when bill cosby did that set in philly at that like jazz like club or whatever he did that one set and uh he actually had a fucking great line with this little girl goes who are you and he says i used to be a comedian i'm like that's funny that's still wow that's pretty good that was like what his last that was like yeah like like maybe like six months ago six months ago yeah not the court set the before set yeah honestly that court set. He's back? Honestly, that court set went rough. Mostly facial expression. I loved it, but he did not have a good time.

I mean, imagine if I did have an airplane. I'd be like, I don't have the plane that goes but the DB Cooper throw the money

out the side. With the peanuts and it's never enough peanuts. I love the idea of like an action movie about Bill Cosby just trying to escape on a tiny airplane. Oh my god. He's got a parachute.

It's called Just Cause. Oh, wow. Oh, fuck. I gotta retire. I have to quit comedy after that. Just Cause. I want a Just Cause poster in my mentions. Bill Cosby holding a pudding pop and a gun.

Parachuting out of an airplane. Very like action movie. Parachuting out of an airplane that says Bill Cosby's longtime personal airplane. I love the idea of his next album. He has a pudding pop against his head the way all the edgy fathers have. I love the idea that he's getting a next album. He's got to do it just for this album art. I'm telling you.

He's doing a studio album with no laugh track. It's just him alone. In his movie, his co-star is 60 women. Oh, man. Yeah, fucking Robbie Goodwin pointed out that his life is just the Seinfeld finale now. I thought that was so fucking funny. Oh, wow. Follow at Robbie Goodwin

for one good tweet for every 20. It's a numbers game. Yeah. Just like baseball. Yeah. You know? An angry man.

I also think about Robbie Goodwin's tweets when I'm trying not to come. You know? I'm like, really, dude? Another Madea thing? It's 2018, friend.

Dude, he's gonna listen to this. Oh, my God. I know. His feelings. It's my body. I can't even tell. Connor's 2018, friend. Dude, he's gonna listen to this. Oh my god. I know, I'm giving him a chance. It's feelings. It's my body. Connor's just speaking truth to power. Hey Hampton, it ain't called nice boys, alright buddy? Truth to power. Just give her a Robbie Goodwin. I just get up there and I speak the truth. Y'all be eating ass.

This is the truth. Look at this motherfucker with the Hawaiian shirt. Y'all be eating ass in Hawaii. Punching up. Okay. Look at this motherfucker with the Hawaiian shirt Y'all be eating ass in Hawaii Punching up Who likes to fuck? This mic kills fascists That's Cameron Esposito Y'all be eating ass

Speaking truth to power That's a hairy Something with hairy kind of butthole I like that hairy kind of butthole Hairy in the Henderson's kind of butthole You know what like that hairy kind of butthole hairy in the henderson's kind of butthole you know yeah sasquatch forrest bill cosby got lost in them and sorry okay and angry no try to be funny it's okay yeah yeah no it's okay give it a good go give it a try and there's like build up energy build up some momentum doing a joke right now is like getting hard in a porn set there's

all these lights and there's all these fucking key grips running around. It's literally like they're like, all right, we're bringing in the other guy who doesn't know he's about to fuck this lady halfway through the porn. And I'm just like, ah, I should have bought a pill. Like, okay. All right. Yeah, I watched that one. Yeah, I didn't see that. An angry Texas man shot his ex wife.

Wait, wait. Angry Texas man. You mean a Texas man? You ex-wife. Wait, wait. Angry Texas man. You mean a Texas man? You showed up on a video. Boom. Boom. Bad state. Check the power.

Bam, bam. You also watch porn on Klonica? Shot his ex-wife or three children or a boyfriend. He was seen entering the home holding a gun, screaming, Some asshole just tried to serve me ceiling fan steak, and someone's going to pay for it. You tried to do a go-back. I did. And I was like, It wasn't a joke. You tried to do a callback. I did.

It wasn't a joke. It was more of a setup. It was more of a setup. Oh, man. It's not his family. It would have been better. Look, what I'm saying is I'm glad his family's dead for this moment.

It was... If not... Just for that joke. And I'm glad the snake's alive. It totally worked out. The snake shot him. There's a goddamn snake on the fan. Well, better kill my wife.

I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes. Am I right, guys? Remember that one? On the motherfucking fan? Man, the internet's a crazy place. That might be the scariest combination of animal and object. Snake fan with a snake. How badly do you have to fuck up in the chocolate factory

To go to the snake fan Where it's just like oh shit I fucked Willy Wonka's wife He put me in the snake fan It has so much mobility now Yvette Wonka This little beautiful woman Alright this next one I wrote these hello this morning

A Florida cop who didn't confront the Parkland shooters Getting an $8,000 monthly pension In a related story Bill Buckner was just inducted to the Baseball Hall of Fame I don't know why I'm doing baseball jokes I'm a baseball guy I want you to be honest with me Did you look up who Bill Buckner is?

I knew it from a Seinfeld episode But you had to look up and make sure you had the right name I did not check, no Is it the right name? Yeah, no, it's good Oh, then I think you win I just, you did a sports segment. It was either that or I was going to say Star-Lord got put on paid vacation in the Soul Stone,

and I was like, that's not me. Yeah. That's not what this podcast is about. Oh, my gosh. Star-Lord jokes. More like the Averagers and the Infinity Boar. Thanks for making me feel better, man. Play those.

Got him. In your scope. Got him. Sniped. Pow, pow, man. I don't know. Got him. In your scope. Got him. Sniped. Dead. Bam. The world's largest door. Man.

I'm loving all these topical jokes you guys move abruptly past right away. Hey, don't fuck. After half-assed delivery. Yeah, yeah. Usually we try harder. This is great. It's like I don't have to wait until the three shows tonight doing them. After half-assed delivering. Yeah, yeah. Look, usually we try harder. This is great. It's like I don't have to wait

until the three shows tonight doing them. Dude, this is a lot easier around someone I don't respect. Do you guys feel that way? I don't respect you. Yeah. Hell yeah. The world's largest orgy

will be attempted this month in Las Vegas. Cool. Yeah, I know, right? If you want to go to Vegas and see a bunch of smelly sexual deviants crammed in a room, get your tickets for Mean Boys Live at the Jackpot Bar and Grill May 30th. Promo, promo, promo.

It's a bar and a grill. They don't have that technology to come out with. There's no feasible way. A bar and a grill went into the machine from the fly, right? And then we got the first night. It's the Brundle Chili's. Excuse me, is this brundle chili? Jeff Golden Brown Chicken Tenders.

Can I get a vomit fajita? That's a regular chili. That's an episode title is what that is. Yeah, it is. God damn it, now I want a fajita. All right, Tom, close it out. Mediocre. Yeah, should have done a hot where we're going to be joke.

Hot where we're going to be. That's a good way to build up momentum. Oh, yeah. No, I've built up so much bomb karma. He's on fire. Fans booed a college sports game when the marching band took a knee for the national anthem. The conductor came out and said it wasn't a protest. They're white.

They just got real tired. In Las Vegas and Denver. The dates you're going to do. You're like a reverse Andy Richter where every time it starts to go well, you sabotage it and make it about you. I like it. It's a lot of fun. And on that note, the Meatball Spycast will be right back Right after this

And now Anne Frank tries dabs So you just heat it up And I just inhale, right? Okay Is that too much? Right? Okay. Is that too much? Oh, no, oh, no.

Oh, no, oh, no. Oh, fuck. Nebt handkeratten her! Handkeratten, marsch! That was Anne Frank Drives Dads. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know that we only listen to things with studio headphones.

That's right. Studio headphones are premium, on-ear, fucking Swedish awesome headphones that won't hurt your family. If I want to hear the voice of any of my loved ones, I make them call me just so I can take the call on studio headphones so it sounds even better than real life they'll turn you into an absolute monster but a stylish monster they're so fucking sleek and aesthetically pleasing the

battery life is phenomenal uh you can use bluetooth and fucking walk around jamming out like baby driver or you can use their crazy magical cord that does not tangle ever never no not even once is it even kind of tangles but ever tangles riot it's fucking crazy i we keep talking about it and it's not even in the ad copy that we should be discussing but it's a very very good auxiliary cord speaking of monsters mr ear exclusively listens to audio and studio and lord knows we all care what the fuck mr ears deal oh geez i can't imagine why we don't have more fucking sponsors when every single product has a Mr. Blah, blah, blah, dipshit. I can't wait for Professor MeUndies to dick us out of some money.

Anyway, go to StudiosSweden.com. Pick up your pair today. Use promo code MEANBOYS15 to get 15% off. We get a little kickback. You get some fucking killer headphones. Everybody wins. There's free shipping all over the world. And listen like a cool guy.

Hey, everybody. It's time to listen to the sponsors. No, keep going. Keep going. This is good. What are your sponsors? What would our sponsors be?

Not Fleshlight, apparently. Bucket of OGs. Do you guys need a bucket of OGs? Call the mean boys and they'll spend a week filling your favorite empty kfc bucket of choice it's not even allowed three different seasonings keith provides the southwest sauce flavor connor's got the mayonnaise flavor. Oh, wow. Yeah. Tom has the breaded cum. Breaded cum. Cum and crumb.

Yeah, your sperm come out crusted individually hand-rolled in batter. Oh, my God. It just looks like peko. What I like the most about this, Riff, is we don't have

a third-party sperm company. It's a service that we provide ourselves that we're just trying to... You guys are drained. Who's the signal on? The amount of cum to fill a bucket.

A bucket. Well, yeah, no, I mean, the fucking... The Me Boys have been chugging Gatorade out of a beer bong for weeks to try to fill their first order, and they are backed up because $20 seemed like a lot at the time, but...

This is what killed Joe. Purely water-based diet of watermelon, celery, and Gatorade. We're attached to a milking device. I look like one of the slaves they buried with King Tut. So, fucking, I hope you enjoy your bucket of jizz. Well, my dick looked into the Ark of the Covenant, but enjoy your stupid jizz.

By the way, there's three different compartments, so I'm imagining it's like when you get caramel corn for Christmas, and you get like, all right, so I got the regular here. Comes in a decorative tin. Yeah, well, anyway, the Mean Boys podcast is back for our middle segment. We were going to, if we're going to talk, we were going to have a fun little suicide chat, you know? There's a little bit of cross promo.

Don't kill yourself. You guys should probably kill yourselves. Me and Tom have both tried. I've tried a lot. I kind of was like, I wonder if we'll dance around that, because I almost figured you'd bring it up. And I was like, I bet they at least won. Normally we plan a segment here.

We all woke up late, so we're like, eh, we'll just talk about our suicide. If you want, we can play emo lyric or live journal entry. But, I mean, it's completely your call, Hampton. I think you can do any live journal entry like emo music if you just are like, I went to the store, but that's all emo music is like shouting over their amps. Yeah, exactly.

It's just like, well, it's loud, so you must feel stuff. I feel like telling myself. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. That guy feels it. Like therapy with you must be amazing because every time he's like, so yeah, how did that make you feel? And you're like, that is, you remember Mac tonight? What if Mac tonight was gay?

He's feeling sacktonite. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Things are old and gay. Please don't let me feel stuff. Oscillating between crying and bits is very odd. Oh, yeah. I do that one a lot.

You feel like you're a high. Someone's like, our lives are falling apart. Can you stop riffing? And I was like, no. I had this whole thing about the Bloodhound gang. They made a serious album, and it was going somewhere. And if you just shut up for a second. Oh, my God.

The Bloodhound Gang unplugged. I would sincerely go to that. That would actually be dope. They are great. Yeah, yeah. They did a bunch of fucking meat puppet songs towards the end. It was very odd. What do you mean, the end?

At the end of the set, the Bloodhound Gang set. Oh, okay. It was a Nirvana What do you mean the end? At the end of the set, the Bloodhound Gang set. It was a Nirvana joke. Oh, okay. Did Nirvana only do one Me Puppet song? They did three. Oh, okay. I'm an idiot. I didn't know. You gotta give me your milk shirt. You're right. Okay, here it comes.

Anyway, how many times have you tried to kill yourself? You gotta give me your milk shirt. Children fighting on a playground. Man, I don't know if this is going good or bad, guys. I genuinely can't tell. I think it's great. Yeah, Hampton, give us an out of 10 rating so far.

Seven. I can work with that. Yeah, you pass. You pass, but your parents aren't going to be sucking your dick anytime. Yeah, yeah. You seem pretty stoked. You don't know. My mom would suck my dick.

You seem pretty stoked to be here your dick anytime. Yeah, yeah. You seem pretty stoked. No, no. My mom would suck my dick. You seem pretty stoked to be here until we lost most of the show. And then you seem like you got a little peeved. Seemed like that kind of got under your skin. I got mad when you lost part of the show. Did you really? I was like, oh, what are we going to do? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no.

And the answer is a worse show. The worst and the maddest I've ever been. I think you have probably the funniest suicide attempt, Keith. Oh, yeah. Did you slip on a banana peel into a noose? Intentionally. Yeah, why did we pick today

to do real life Mario Kart? I thought I kept this note in my pocket. I tried to hang myself in my closet and fucking, I broke, like I was fatter than this.

I was like 100 pounds fatter. And I broke not the bar but the wall that it was attached to. Holy shit. Yeah. Wait. So how? The wall? I jumped off the chair. Well, I didn't jump. I just sort of walked off. I wasn't trying to catch my knees then.

Like that Titanic guy. The bar kind of half cracked, sagged in the middle and you just see where it's screwed in. And I'm like... You might as well have done the shower bar. It was literally the second my foot left, I'm like, uh-oh. You might as well have done the shower bar. It was literally the second my foot left, I'm like, wait a minute. I am, too. No, I imagine you look up at the bar and it says, made by the Acme Corporation.

Come on. What brought you to that? I mean, what age were you? I was 15, 16, something like that. Holy shit. Yeah. So that's like really just your feeling life. Yeah, well, you're feeling everything in my my life you're feeling everything and hormones are out of

control yeah and you know he's had a great life he was very ungrateful yeah yeah i was living in florida i've heard a little bit of a nazi so i was like not at all weird dude that's that you know what that's actually like as i say to a lot of people like who have depression who like try to talk to us and shit try to but i'm always like yeah that's a completely healthy reaction you're always like if you're environment you can't sit with us like yeah you should be aware your environment's so bad it's making you want to kill yourself yeah i was like you're like what's wrong with me i will yeah nobody i've ever talked to about trying to kill myself has ever gone why'd you do this oh yeah well duh like yeah yeah you know it's like

the fucking the video game froze. He just tried to reset it and try again. So after that, I mean, how humbled were you? I mean, I just felt fat and dumb. You felt fat? Well, it was like I'm too fat to kill myself. I mean, that's the bit I do about it is if I want to die young, I got to do some setups. Oh, dude.

Yeah, too fat to die. Like the casket won't close. Your parents are just embarrassed. They're like, wait, is there a bottle of coffee creamer in the door that's fucking up this whole operation? They cremate you and it's like a garbage bag full of ashes. So gigantic. The KFC bucket. We're gonna hit

every state with these ashes. The Keith Across America tour. Yeah, they just shot him out of a t-shirt can. We're making an enamel KFC bucket when you die, and I'm putting your ashes in there. God damn it, I need to outlive you now so you can't do that. No, dude, it's your problem for making me executive of your estate. That was where you really goofed, my friend.

Since then, do you feel like you've – I mean, have you gone to therapy ever? No. No, no desire? No, I mean, I've thought about going at some point. Sure. You probably really understand what would happen. You're a smart guy. Yeah.

You know what would happen. Exactly. I figured out a lot of shit. And it sounds like you kind of already know where to stay away from bad influences and shit. Right. Get away from the bad things. Yeah, yeah. It's a huge way to not feel suicidal.

Yeah, if you don't surround yourself with nightmares, then you'll be kind of okay. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't tried since then. And now you guys have a cool bullying podcast. Things are really good. I have a suicide podcast. Things are going good. I used to be weak, and now I'm a big, tough internet man.

Yeah, dude. I'm a big, tough internet man. And now we mock dead children. Now I'm sticking it to retards in the news. Well, I'm better big, tough internet man. And I'm just... Now we mock dead children. Now I'm sticking it to retards in the news. Yeah, exactly. Sucks to suck, nerds. I'm for sure better than children and retarded people.

Yeah, that's actually... That's on the Mean Boys crest in Latin. You are better than children and retarded people. They can't read Latin. Neither can we. Yeah, I mean, I had an attempt towards the end of high school, like entering college, and then when I was in comedy later on.

Okay. Did you go to any of the psych wards? No, I've never gone to a psych ward. Have you ever been to Napa Valley? The wineries are amazing. You've got to try the wine in the psych ward. Swirling the Prozac. Swirl the Prozac. It's not just walls in the state in the psych ward. Swirling the Prozac. Yeah, yeah. Swirl the Prozac.

Your doctor comes in with a glass of wine. Softest walls in the state. It's unbelievable. Oh, the thread count on this straight jacket is to die for. What was the last set you did in comedy? I always think if I die if I was going to kill myself, I'm like, really? That's going to be my last show?

Anchor Bar? You know? What was the last set I did? Yeah, yeah. I think it was Josh and Josh. Okay. That's a decent show to go out on. Oh, dude, I only do crushers.

I only do headlining sets across America. Isn't it crazy when fucking, who was it, killed himself after a show in Detroit? I think it was Soundgarden? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Killed himself. What? Later that night.

Yeah. And I tweeted, I was like, man, crowds in Detroit must Yeah. Killed himself. What is it? Chris Cornell? Later that night. Yeah. And I tweeted. I was like, man, crowds in Detroit must suck. What is fucking Christ? When did this happen? Chris Cornell killed himself? It was like last year. Yeah. Yeah.

It was like a year. You know what's hilarious? I listened to some of their music a lot. For some reason, it was always playing at the psych ward I was at during outdoor times. With Black Hole Sun. In my head. In my head. And we're like telling you lyrics that are like going to drive you crazy. I like that they call it outdoor times. In my head. In my head. They're telling you lyrics that are going to

drive you crazy. I like that they call it outdoor time. Every... Wait, Tom, so you've been to a psych ward? I've been somewhere between 14 and 18 times. Shit, dude. So which one was playing the sound? Were they playing Savage Garden so everyone fucks?

That was one of the better ones. It was UCI. They have a very nice one. This is when I was still in my They're nice day.

Tom's doing the Miley Cyrus Asian eyes right now. And they have like a concrete wall on the roof so that you can Swanky.

Wow. Jump off it and then you have like a half basketball court. Oh yeah. They're like can we get some of those Apple factory nets for the psych ward You go outside for an hour every three days And then they have radio

And this was adolescent, I was only there for adolescence Oh, okay And so you had to be like level three to change the channel So a lot of the time it was just whatever Level three? It's like Scientology We're gonna tell you the real shit at level 7, dude. It's Scientology.

At level 7, they tell you you're gay. I knew it. Spoiler alert. You're gay. Oh, man. Now I'm listening to Brownhole, son. Yeah, dude. In my hole is your car.

Well, what is level 69, guys? We're not moving on until we figure it out. Yeah, they had level 0 through 3. Who would they give you level 0? If you're already there because you're suicidally depressed and somebody government-like says you have this level 0. Just start at level 1 and go to level 4. You start at level 0, and if you go back to level 0,

you're just on level 0 for 12 hours just to be like, welcome to the place. You're not allowed to talk yet. I mean, you're allowed to, but it's like. Wait, were you in a psych ward or like a Chinese debtor's prison? Well, yeah. And then Bane would come and give you some wisdom. Deep cut.

Bane would turn around his chair and be like, everybody gets down. We all have these thoughts. Hey, Connor, do you want to send that joke to five years ago? Hey, Hampton, I'll have you know we do a lot of Bane. We do a lot of Bane on the show. If you don't like it, you don't have to be here. You don't have to listen to the jokes. You can suck a dick, Hampton.

You can suck a fat dick. Batman or whatever. It's the new Borat. My wife. My wife is in the darkness. It's shagadelic, baby. Do I make you horny, baby? What's up?

What's up? Oh, Batman, it seems you've fallen and you can't get up. You're going to shoot your eye out with that dick. Batman, where's the beef? Batman, where's the beef? Isn't it in the darkness, Batman? Remember Covfefe? That was a lot of fun.

Covfefe, yes. What was he trying to type? I don't even know. Anyway, Tom, please continue. Tom, you had a mohawk, so I'm going to assume you were there for, you know, you had depression from drugs. No. No? No, they thought I was organic.

No drug use going on? No, no, not until, yeah. Not until later. Not until after everything was better did I dabble in the 420s. But, yeah, no, at the time it was, I was, you've dabbled in the 420s. I was blazed in them, boy. Just really depressed. Yeah, they thought I was, I mean, they diagnosed me with a bunch of stuff.

They diagnosed me with OCD, bipolar. Have those stuck around, those diagnoses? Schizophrenia. So the only ones that have stuck around, and I've like, I've tried to like excommunicate from psychiatric help. Sure. No, no, no. It's a little bit of mixed results going on.

They don't have a lot of the stats to back it up. They're winging it. They're winging it. Well, the human minds are very complicated. It's like when we were using leeches on people. That's what a therapist is. It's a money leech. It goes into your wallet.

But enough about my ex-wife. I'm Bane. I'm Bane O'Bane. Hey, I'm fucking taking over Gotham. The worst part about hijacking airlines, the food. I get no respect. No respect. I just killed my wife. Now you're making me do it.

Yes, you're sorry Hey, fuck you You're not better than Bane, you cunt You're not better than Bane Make it know I'm the only non-hack here You just can't do Bane, alright? If you can do Bane Do Bane right now

You guys are doing Bane Tom, do Bane You guys are doing Bane Tom, shut up and do Bane Oh, yes Now that's a wizard That's bad Yoda I do bad comedy

Yeah, you're doing concussed Gandalf. That's the guy who does the... You guys do shit bait, too. You guys do... I don't want to be bane-shamed by you. Bane-shamed. Bane, bane, shame. All right, that's the new T-shirt.

Don't you bane-shame me. Did we already do two and a half banes? Yeah, we've done it several times. Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah. That 70s Bane. Bane in the wild. We can't.

In the wild. Okay, guys. I'm just doing it as a Spidey Hampton. So, Tom, your life. It's all right. We're making fun of his deep spiritual Bane.

It's so funny. We're like, we're going to talk about mental illness and suicide in like three sentences. You're like, Bane! We got to do the Bane!

You got to break it up what about anything we've ever done on this show like you didn't believe we were gonna have like a deep conversation we were having a deep conversation well here's the thing

you can go through stuff and then later on if you work on yourself you can do some fun Bane riffs yeah you know so yeah they diagnosed me

with all sorts of shit the main the most consistent one for like a six year period was I thought it was schizo and then I just I mean I had depression like the one that stuck was I thought it was schizo. And then I just, I mean,

I had depression, like the one that stuck was depression with psychotic. Did they vape through the diagnosis the first time? That's like,

what are you saying? Did they vape through the diagnosis the first time? Was there also a guy just like, oh, that sucks, dude.

No, same amount of eye contact. Really? Just pushing you through the system? Oh, yeah. I mean, they're pretty,

I mean, he's a schizo. Yeah. He probably sees things that aren't there. Let's medicate him so he definitely sees some shit. The medicine I was on, there was one that I just, like, I literally, like, I couldn't walk. I just drool. I couldn't talk. That's awesome to do to a cat.

Like, the nurse would be like, how are you doing? It's called dabs, guys. This virgin doesn't know how to fucking hang. Doesn't know about dabs. Man, you're a gay virgin, dude. That'd be so funny if like, this isn't a psych ward. This is a fucking smoke shop. No, that's my problem.

So, I mean, you kind of went through that, but then I guess you went back to school. Like you got out of there or like. Oh, no, I didn't go back. You had no normal like adolescence? I mean, I didn't go back. You had no normal adolescence? I mean, I was homeschooled and went to a Waldorf school and an Ayn Rand Institute for a while. So that was...

But yeah, no, I mean... That's where you learn the finer points of libertarianism. Live in the woods with your children! Thomas had the childhood of a Charles Dickens character that is on fire. That's crazy yeah yeah

I it got the mental health problems got so bad they just kind of put me in special ed which was funny because my first shit

my first my first year in high school we're gonna round up to retarded my first year in high school I was at one of the top 100 boarding schools in America

boarding schools? schools in general preparatory school like I got a scholarship to go to this school. Then you got in a fight with that troll in the bathroom. No, it was a sailing captain in the living room.

You threw a table at a sailing captain. Was that Rod Stewart's son or was that a different story? No, that was a hockey thing. Wow. There is so much information. A couple altercations here. I like the Harry Potter reference. Is that current enough for you, Hampton?

Yeah, 12 years ago. I checked it out. 12 years a slave. Enough about Bane's marriage. 12 years a slave. I've been 12 years married to an awful bitch. You fuck Batman. Stick to Cosby Alright

That Bane wasn't great Damn it You put the pudding In the I'm Bane Cosby Bane Cosby Oh you see Rudy So as an adult

I mean had that all Kind of like Once you became You know Out of your parents control They sound a little weird My My parents

Yeah If you were gonna guess If you were gonna guess What religion Tom was raised in Which one would you pick I don't know Out of your parents' control They sound a little weird My parents? Yeah If you were going to guess If you were going to guess What religion Tom was raised in Which one would you pick? I don't know Actually I'm kind of bad at that Because some I don't know

Have a few science Okay And shit Because I want to go Really religious Yeah yeah They were very religious They weren't?

They were They were? Yeah I can't place it I don't know. Just throw one. No, because I keep thinking, like, Christian science. And then I'm like, no, that's not what they do.

Jehovah's Witness, not what they do. Jesuit. Buddhist. I was raised in a very religious Buddhist. You were serious before. I was, yeah. I told you. You didn't believe me holy shit

yeah tom uh was on a buddhist dance team as a child now i'm just thinking about anthony jesuit hip-hop buddhist dance team yes wait so buddhists are super like um closed off no white buddhists are super closed off no it wasn't i was i mean i got medical help they did they weren't like they yeah but you said like really religious. No, they were very – you can be very religious and not – Sure. OK, yeah, I guess in my mind I'm like closed off. Yeah, they weren't –

That's what I associate with very religious. Yeah, they weren't – Like Mormon or whatever. Yeah. Even Mormons who are very social, very closed off at the end of the day. Yeah, they were – I mean, they're pretty, they're, it's a very, you can be, they're very religious, but they're not like, no, no Latinos

or whatever those other religions are like. No, no, the 11th commandment. Yeah, yeah. They don't do any of that Mormon covering, Mexican shit.

Moses, oh, by the way, the 11th one, no Mexicans or Japs. And lo, the Lord said, no Habla Espanol. So, I donth one, no Mexicans or Japs. And lo, the Lord said, no habla espanol. So I don't know.

I mean, why were they putting you through all that? I mean, what do you mean? I mean, you've had like probably some sort of like depression, mental imbalance. It seems like such a harsher thing to go to a psych ward. Did you have like suicide attempts? Oh, no. Yeah, I had a ton of suicide attempts. It was every time I went into yes i met your time it's so here's it's it's hard to say exact number

because that's totally fine dude i'm a pussy don't worry some people are like is there a suicide attempt if you start blacking out and swallowing piles of pills it is okay there's time with our podcast oh so you probably haven't even fucked 69 people if you count like that they're not real people you made arm contact with someone on the bus and you're like what 68's in the books i hover handed the girl a place snow white at disneyland yeah that means we did it yeah right going steady see i don't i don't i don't count those because i don't think i was trying to kill myself i think it was just like hurt yourself and then I was blacking – I was having disassociative episodes. I'm starting to look at a lot because we – for the podcast that I do, like I'm starting to look at a lot of cases. Sepikupels.

Yeah, sepikupels. Just people who overdose. That's – a lot of times it's like, oh, that was a suicide attempt. Yeah. It's listed. It's like the law has to write it down as something Oh overdose technically But you're like yeah but why did they take the whole bottle of pills Let's think about that for five seconds

I grew up with drug people And drug people generally know How much drugs to do So if they're doing a crazy amount It's because they're trying I want to clarify it wasn't like narcotics It would be like oh there's a bottle of 30 capsules Of fucking Advil like a crazy amount. It's because they're trying. But I want to clarify, it wasn't like narcotics. Your mom is in the kitchen like Ratatouille

with the meds. Oh, there's a bottle of 30 capsules of fucking Advil and I'd just, I'd come back and then the bottle was empty and I'd taste metal,

you know, like, you know, and my stomach would be on fire. Pantera, is that? One of the funniest is I had one of those and I don't count those

because I had very conscious, like, you're going to take 400 aspirin and then you you're going to hide under a bridge, and no one's going to find you. Those were the ones that I counted. And they're like, where did Tom go? He's like, well, let's check the first place, obviously, under the bridge. He's there with Anthony Kiedis, just having a good time. Maybe like the first of those three, I was like, did I really want to kill myself or just damage my body permanently? Of course.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, it's all kind of the same at that point. If you really are trying to get such a like – I mean a lot of suicide attempts are just – what do you call it? Attention – and not attention getting, but like cry for help. Cry for help. And it's like, yeah, that's a lot of them. And it's like it doesn't dismiss it. It means you got to that lowest point yeah well oh no i i thought it was making you that depressed at such a young age do you feel i mean uh this is we're doing therapy i mean i'll mean i'll shit on you

while you're telling okay just like my therapist uh no it was i mean it was an uh it was an assortment of things i had a lot of like just kind of like – most of the suicide attempts, like almost I'd say like 90 percent of them, all except for like one or two, it was based off of psychosis. So I thought – Sure, yeah, yeah. Things are out of control. Your brain is on fire. The main delusion that I had and this is when I was 14 like 13 going, no it was

early 14 going 15. Nobody do the song. When I was 13 going on 30. And I developed perky little breasts. 13 going on 5150. I developed a perky thought that I was the Zodiac killer from the 1970s. Jesus Christ.

You fucking diva. You fucking diva. Jesus Christ. Not only am I a killer, I'm a famous killer. Not even just Todd with a knife. Like, no, I'm the Zodiac. I'm the Zodiac. It was the perfect one because no one caught him.

It was like a stocky dude and like, I think he was like a stocky dude. I think he was like five. I think I'm Hitler. No, you just have shit on your lip, dude. No, I'm pretty sure I'm becoming Hitler. I'm pretty sure I've been Hitler. Heil me.

I'll stay Hitler, fam. You just have a chocolate mustache. No, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I hate Jews now. Me, Heil. Me, Heil. It's sure I hate Jews now. Me and Kyle. Me and Kyle. It's a self salute. But yeah, so that was... Damn, dude.

So I kept trying to kill myself to prevent myself from traveling back in time to stop those people from being killed and then moving back forward in time to kill people in the future. You became friends with a talking dog who helped you. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's so crazy that that's like you had to go through that. in time to kill people in the future. You became friends with a talking dog who helped you. It's so crazy that you had to go through that. It's always crazy because Tom's one of my best friends and I've heard this story before and part of me, my heart breaks for him. And part of me is like, that is the plot of Looper.

I watched that movie once and I'm like, I really want to watch it again, but I can't do it for a couple of years. If it always was suicide, you need to like, oh man, my heart breaks for you, you man i just feel it so hard like you just have to be like that is a totally understandable situation that makes perfect sense yeah just validate like the fact that that happened is like you know what i mean yeah and i i mean i mean if you were the zodiac that would be so the right thing to do i have a friend like if it turned out you were the zodiac killer like we found out you

were right all along and you didn't kill yourself, I'd be so mad at you. I'd be like, Tom, I lived with you. What the fuck, man? It is weird. Recently, like, I've been watching all the serial killer shit where they've caught people recently, and they always try to be like, we think, also, they might have been the Zodiac. Wow, right, asshole. They just do it. It's like, everyone is so sensationalized. Oh, the Zodiac, if I They just do it. It's like everyone is so sensationalized.

Oh, the Zodiac. If I could just be him. He was the coolest. I mean, I wasn't like stoked on it. You were worried. I tried to kill myself pretty hard. In terms of distinctions, that's like here's your medal. You have the world's smallest dick.

But yeah, so that was that. Your dad puts it around your neck. Here you go. World's your medal. You have the world's smallest dick. But yeah, so that was that. Your dad puts it around your neck. Here you go. World's smallest dick. And then I waited. I waited. Why'd they even make this at the trophy show? Well, he's like, well, it's an old family heirloom.

Let's just say you were made in a lab. I see the mantle. Where's the trophy part? There's no... It comes with this jeweler's lube. Well, yeah, like for that one, the first one involving that, I was a sophomore in high school and I waited. I think I was going. I was homeschooled until sixth grade.

That's what I was saying. So then you had to go to regular school after all that. Regular is a stretch because I went to a charter school, which is a public school with private fucking whatever. Sure, yeah. They suck. school, which is a public school with private fucking whatever. Sure, yeah. It was a Waldorf, so we had to do dances around the maypole on certain days. We had a bell

in the yard that they'd ring with two hands. A man named Hampton had to dance around a maypole in school? No way. You'd get suspended if you wore branded shirts. If you'd say Coca-Cola, they were like, get out of here. What's so funny to me is that you were in the psych ward for thinking you were a time traveler and then they sent you to a school from the 1800s.

This is sixth grade. What kind of army of darkness childhood are they fucking putting you through? This is all before. And then after that, I went to a private school where it turned out... Okay, Big Money. And then it turns out they were. Okay, Big Money. And then it turns out

they were run by Objectivists. Jews. All right. I wish. I wish. I'd have an agent. By the Objectivists,

which is Anne Rand's like off-brain cult. Goddamn, dude. And they weren't like public with it and I like kind of confronted them like why do you keep making me

read the rounded head head I don't want to read this again damn they're like forming a cult and then I was like trying to here's the thing they were all and they were like recruited people with no teaching experience who were objective like Chicago and shit and like that was they were like bad teachers like and I was like hey this is this is kind of

fucked like yeah you're for sure kind of bringing up that what you think your morals are and like if it wasn't a problem i wouldn't have noticed and they were just like well our beliefs are our beliefs i'm like this is this is and then finally my mom was i convinced my mom to take me out of school we're like he doesn't finish his book report on the hand rain book he can't come back to school until he's finished it so they suspend me for not doing a book report on their fucking cult leader, that dead cunt.

And then my mom was like, all right, we'll start public school. So that was, yeah. But yeah. Damn, dude, walk me through it. What were all your teachers' names? Wow, damn, dude. This is the super abridged version i mean it sounds it sounds weird though i mean it's it's a experience kind of well just that like your parents sound pretty supportive but like they're supportive which is like most people who have like suicide attempts in their teens is like because their parents are being dicks yeah like that's overwhelmingly what's going on it's like

your home environment is what's happening but it sounds to me like your brain was melting and you weren't being medicated properly and then just a bunch of other shit yeah there was just a lot of stress because there's no stability yeah that is there's other shit that that i've kind of figured out. I raped a girl. And I loved it. There's other shit I can't go into. I was just thinking, I feel like Hampton got really good at interviewing so he wouldn't have to talk about himself.

Because you were just laser focused on getting all that shit out of Tom. And you're just like, oh, I'm unscathed here. You took over and all of a sudden our podcast became a good podcast. You made it weird with Hampton. So what's up?

We good? We good? We cool now? It's a great day of expression. You want to come over and fuck my cats? Yeah, it's a... You know, Hanson has Obama on. He's like, so you're from Hawaii.

Are you gay or something? I name my cats cute names like Pizza and Boomer. So I'm above reproach. I want to hear about your suicide attempts. Okay. Listen to my podcast, dude. Get all the info. I can tell you a funny story about one of my suicide attempts.

Absolutely. It's called Los Amigos Muertos. It's on iTunes right now. This is an example of one I took. I don't really care. I took like 50 these are Like this is an example Of what I took Don't really care I took like 50 Like Advil or something

Like that And A little nightcap Well I One thing that I Always kind of wonder In the back of my head When you know

I've had like Half suicide attempts Right And then you're kind of like Was I just fucking around And it's like It's like do I have to leave AA if I took an extra Vicodin

for my knee? You know? Like that kind of thing? Well if you're just like okay if I take this many pills I'm obviously gonna throw up. Yeah. Like I'm obviously

not gonna be able to digest that amount. Oh I wish I would've thrown up. It just hurts. It does hurt like a fucking bitch. Yeah no it's

No you're describing like the overdosing pain is insane. Like, what did it feel like? Well, I mean, the worst one were the aspirin. Okay. And the aspirin I took, like, the most I took, I wasn't counting, but I had like one of those giant, like, mega jars. I didn't count all the jelly beans in the jar. I just ate the jar of jelly beans.

And I took like... Sure, I didn't win the prize, but I mean, I wasn't exactly worried about it. Seven or eight full handfuls. Damn, bitch. Slay. Slay. Fucking brutal. Yes, Quentin.

Brutal. Fatality. Bay-bality. Bay-bality. Probably around like 300, 400 aspirin. And like it... I'm just picturing you like moaning in pain, looking at an empty bottle of Advil and just, I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

My headache's worse. It's such a spicy meatball. I mean, it just feels like your stomach's on fire. You ate 400 aspirin. But you didn't vomit? Did you shit a bunch? No. I mean, you're not going to naturally, from my experience, you never naturally vomit.

They give you charcoal. Do you just have an iron stomach? Do you vomit a lot? Ever? Yeah. I mean, when I'm nauseous. Okay. Yeah.

It's odd. It's not just regular, not like when you wake up. People tend to vomit when they over-medicate and stuff. I mean, I think those pills are also designed so that you don't do that. No, no. Aspirin is definitely like watching

their liability. They're not like, you can take as many as you want and just die. That explains Bayer's new slogan, ride the lightning.

If I may, it kind of sounds like Hampton is just a little bit of a bitch. Yeah, yeah. I am a bitch. That is true. He was just a little bit

queasy because he had too many pills. Oh, my God. i smelled in a leaf now i'm queasy any milk i'm too soft to die too so they were in my system very very quickly yeah yeah so there wasn't you know maybe i absorbed them faster than i could throw up but the funny story was what you know i did one of the blackouts, take some pills. And I come back to him. My dad's like, what happened? And I was like, ah, I tried.

Asana, I am a Buddhist. He's a cracker. So this is okay. Oh, yeah. It's like that guy in Kung Fu, the choking dick guy. David Carradine. Yeah, yeah. You got it.

But we didn't want to go back to the hospital, so my dad... Yeah, that'd be a real mistake. Because the vet is closed on Sunday. You want to do it on your own time, so my dad's like, stay here, I'm going to go get some EpiCac to make me throw up. And he comes back and goes, they have EpiCac. I got you milk. And he just hands me a gallon of milk. He's like, let me put it in the sun for a couple days, this should work. he just hands me a gallon of milk.

He's like, let me put it in the sun for a couple days. This should work. He just wanted you to chug milk to your stomach. Nurse, microwave this milk. That's such a bro response. That's so funny. Your dad's a Chad, dude. Myself, just chugging. We need to get this guy some AlphaBrain right now.

What I love about every story, TopTales, is that even though I'm listening to the whole thing happen, it feels like i'm missing chunks of it somehow because everything is i can't include everything no no it's not your fault oh yeah yeah i'm not saying that it's a mark against you as a storyteller it's just that everything that's ever happened to you is madness talk can i ask a sincere question with depression a lot of times it is like oh yeah and this and this and this because it's like it's not just like one day it just snaps no it's a compounding of years i've like read like where the less like serotonin you have in your brain the fewer memories you hold on to you know because i guess people oh is that a thing yeah yeah oh that makes so much i feel i like i try to remember my childhood i'm like i don't remember anything

like i just it's a vague swath of like i was at my grandma's house and then i was 23 you know like that's kind of like with all this like with all this like mental health stuff like what what do you think has been like the main thing that's kind of... With all this, like, with all this, like, mental health stuff, like, what do you think has been, like, the main thing that's sort of, like... Because you're doing, like,

so much better now. Just in the time I've known you, you've been doing better. Dude, you're fucking crushing it right now. I really am. You're crushing life.

I have Punisher shirts now. You're taking vengeance out on the streets. Yeah, you're cleaning up the hands of people. I'm cleaning up the neighborhood from all the wrong people.

The 11th Commandment people What do you think Has been the thing That's like kind of like Helped like fucking Get through this shit It can't be comedy Comedy actually You think

Really helped But the main I mean it wasn't the main reason I think it had a lot to do With just unrepressing shit There you go It really is just being like Oh yeah

This definitely happened It's very normal For me to get Have gotten super depressed Yeah unrepressing shit. There you go. It really is just being like, oh yeah, this definitely happened. It's very normal for me to have gotten super depressed and suicidal and now I'm in it. I'm an adult. I'm not that person anymore. Yeah, yeah.

You know, you try not to make it through but you made it through. You know, despite your best efforts, now you're here and you're fine. Yeah. You know, you're fine.

Everything's fine. You're not fine. You're doing better than you were yeah you know the thing is is like 48 hours i was crying in a mirror shaving my head but i'm like real good now i was britney spears 48 hours on a curve you are fucking tim ferris yeah it's all about just kind of knowing what what sets you off where you know where it could go bad and just being aware. Because honestly, depression is awareness a lot of times, I would say.

Well, yeah, it's like if you're clued into the world, you're probably going to find something not to like. There's that. That's one reason to just be nihilistic. Say you're just aware of the state of the world. Have you even thought about what was going on in other countries? You'd be like, holy shit, I should kill myself from shame. Yeah. You know, like I have it so fucking good here there's like awareness of yourself and your limitations and i think a lot like you're like people that work at rite aid as a as a fucking

cashier like don't realize like oh you have a small limited sad life yeah you know and that doesn't freak you out uh yeah you're fighting with people who are close to you yeah and you're just like fuck i'm so depressed i just keep fighting and it's to you. And you're just like, fuck, I'm so depressed. I just keep fighting. And it's like, well, yeah, because you're having these fights all the time. It's like, how can you best move away from that? And then you can be a number one bad boy Patreon podcast.

Dude, let's start a motivational course where we're just like, all right, man. We just go to everyone that Tony Robbins said didn't get raped. And we take those eight people, all right, and we start a camp. I'm just saying if you got raped, you're a little bitch. Basically, did you see his shit? No, no, no, no.

Tony Robbins, like a woman, was like talking about like, you know, the Me Too movement. It's a big stadium, you know, performance thing. And she's like talking about how it's like you know i got over that and he was just like honestly people who use like being a victim to like make it their identity that's very dangerous and like yeah the crowd was just like like we're all victims you idiot now pick up my newest book stop crying faggot he had to like he like it comes with a kettlebell and some muscle milk. It has a foreword by the man that hurt you. Yeah he like

kept walking it back and everything it's like Jesus Christ. You just misspoke. Is there any like self-help shit that's resonated with you

because I always feel like a lot of that stuff you kind of just have to figure like kind of homebrew your own thing. It's all bullshit unless you don't want it to be. No, the only like I believe in this.

The only self-help thing I found good was actually like weight loss stuff that I just saw on YouTube. Yeah, yeah. Stuff like very simple. Like I was like, oh, they broke it down in a very simple way. And that actually did like I was able to apply it to my life. And then it did help my life for a lot of reasons. Only if to just see what life would be like not big yeah tom thought he was the zodiac killer you just you just felt ugly and got all bummed about it you're like oh i wish i wasn't so cherubic this is so hard

it's like if i start losing my hair i'm like i'm dick cheney oh man i had to wear a big shirt on adam divine's house party this is the worst the closing joke on your album man i'm not gonna spoil anything but it is all right so thanos kills hampton it's one of the the like it's so funny but it's also very true because when i was on all those meds i gained like i was pretty much up to 300 pounds. It sucks. And your observation was completely – this is an off-the-podcast conversation. Well, yeah, yeah.

It's just like that depression is like – it's just there. And a lot of times in your brain you're like, it's because I've got this one thing. You just have the natural state of being sad. And then just because you need to kind of think in like a logical linear fashion, you attach it to something. And you're like, I'm sad because of my girlfriend. I'm sad because of my career when actually that shit doesn't matter to you that much. You're just sad and you're looking for a reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, why can't I lift that brick with that arm?

It's like, well, the problem isn't the brick. How am I going to vandalize my Mexican neighbor's home? Yeah, realistically, you have to use your other arm. Yeah. It's like shit like that. And it's weird. Welcome to The Stranger with Hampton where we talk through all of your depression issues. Yeah, it's you have to use your other arm. Yeah. It's like shit like that. Welcome to The Stranger with Hampton, where we talk through all of your depression issues. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah. Sit on your hand. Just sit on your heart until it feels like your dad loves you. Sit on your heart until it goes numb and then hug yourself with it. Here's how you make a ready-made therapist. You sit on your hand until it goes numb. Then you pick it up and you just go, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

I feel sorry. Do you feel sorry now? I've had a rough week. What do you think about that, madam? Okay. Oh, yeah, man. Connor, how about you, man? I mean, you seem like, I mean, hey.

What's your impression of me? Because we don't know each other at all. Armchair diagnosis. Okay. You would seem like the you seem like, I mean, hey. What's your impression of me? Because we don't know each other at all. Armchair diagnosis. Okay. You would seem like the most, like, you've had a pretty normal life. Velvet armchair diagnosis. Yeah. Maybe you're a bit of a deviant, but you seem like you've had a pretty normal life.

No, yeah. Any depression? Depression, yeah, yeah, for a long time. Yeah. Have you ever acted out in, like insane like in that like you know level i mean just most people don't i can't stab a girl for pizza or something what was that story the story i told in the podcast last week the rest of the pod is just silent did you see that black girl and then you kicked her in the

what do you cry when you drive past the Little Caesars? I don't understand. No, yeah. I mean, I would just kind of like... What I kind of found is like I was like... I had this boring life and I just liked all these fucked up interesting artists or whatever. I was like, oh, I love like Darby Crash from the Germ. All the people on your fucking podcast.

Sure. And I was like, I wish I was... All our guests. I wish I was... Yeah, yeah. All our dead guests. Oh was yeah yeah yeah yeah go listen we had darby in the studio yeah ian curtis on the mic better than he did before just gas leaving the body quick let's do ian curtis goes to whataburger i mean i really put a lot of suicidal yeah yeah

like uh up on a pedestal yeah yeah yeah and i just like i kind of wanted to be interesting and then in like the early like my early kind of comedy life, I really sort of fucked up. I talked about this a lot last week with like the Merson, the Fleshing disease and all that shit. I kind of – and I was like, oh, no, I am interesting and this sucks. This is not – I should have just been in the suburbs on the cul-de-sac going to bed at 11 p.m. It's something because I had the exact opposite thing as a kid where my life was very interesting and I was like, man, I would like to be boring. No, yeah. I wanted to be like a tourist in struggle, which is really kind of a fucked up stupid thing to think.

No, but I get that, though. I mean, I guess it kind of makes sense, but it's by no means like a thing that anybody should do, you know. On the next episode of Deep Boys, we get deep. This is like the most sincere. We're still animals to each other. I know. I kind of was like, I'm probably bringing this down. No, dude.

I love it. The minute you want to talk About suicide I'm like Yeah I've got some I've got some I'm keeping a timer Every 15 minutes I'll call

Tom Fett Are you gay Yeah yeah I take my birth control Yeah So I don't know I was just Sad mind

And it was at a point Where I started taking Zoloft And I'm actually one of the people That that works for pretty well Because I was just like Alright I go to bed At the same time every night. I wake up early. I exercise four times a week.

I meditate every day. I do what I love for a living. I love all my friends. I have a nice relationship with a woman. I love my family. And I was just like, I'm still miserable. Wait, you're a girlfriend right now? Not right now.

No, this was – I'm talking about like a few years ago when I started taking meds. I'm talking a couple years ago when I was out. No, no, no. I'm alone now. I was talking a couple years ago when I was out. No, no, no. I'm alone now. I was talking a couple years ago when my dick worked before Zoloft kicked in and I didn't have to take

four L-Garganine to fuck a lady. Do you have to like preemptively like if you're like I'm probably gonna fuck tonight. I like to have a 72 hours notice

before I'm gonna fuck. You know? You know what I mean? Because like Countdown. Countdown. Your dick's like that fucking horse town from Lord of the Rings where they have to light the different torches

through the boundaries for you to get erect. I don't want to Sound the horn of Carnor! Carnor! Dead pussy approaches from the south. It works okay. I've kind of gotten over that shit recently where I've sort of figured out.

It's just a matter of being in the moment, not being anxious or whatever. I feel bad because it takes forever to cum. Just be yourself. You've ever taken that into practice? Everyone else is taking it. The joke about it is it takes an hour and and a half to come which sounds cool until your girlfriend fucks you like she's trying to start a ketchup bottle you know it really fucks with women because they'll be like you don't why don't you like my only thing i'm attracted i was like i

this is a drug thing this isn't a your pussy thing i was i was gonna talk about this in the bonus episode you're this wasn't zoloft but uh so like fucking some of the meds you just don't ever come which i mentioned on the bonus episode. Yeah, yeah. Like don't come at all. Yeah. That's the worst. Side effects include what it's called.

That's like a Robin Williams joke. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, I'm going to hang myself. You'll chafe until your dick's a bloody stump, but you won't come. Yeah, yeah. But after you get on them, you just start coming instantly. So that's like it's the worst of both worlds.

Oh yeah, dude. When I was, when I was tapering on Zoloft, I feel like I'd be like in line at flame bro. Just be like, whoa, did I just have a wake wet dream?

Cause I saw a butt, you know? That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Just shoot. Just makes it a flame bro. Cause I'm on a hundred milligrams.

I've gone down to like 25 every other day. And then I fucking, my dick was just like, Oh, we're back. That is really, it was like my dick put on the mask from the mask it was just like hey somebody stop me yeah yeah exactly and then my brain was like i got this one and i started crying you know i got sad again

yeah i don't have any like any like exciting shit like you know i just was it's sad i wanted to you know it's almost like i was like looking for a reason to actually be sad for a long time i think a good point and probably man a lot of your listeners are probably depressed as shit i get the messages you know but i mean like you guys probably get a lot of like messages yeah it's pretty crazy but like the scary thing about going to therapy is like you know if i'm being honest with people it's like they're gonna put you on some dosages and then they're going to have to fix that. Yeah. They're not going to get it right.

And that's scary to a lot of people because it's like I had like allergic reactions to shit. Oh, shit. I couldn't sleep for a couple days. Couldn't like use the restroom. It was like – I was like, okay, I'm going to die. I'll die like within two days here. That's what's – I had to go to the hospital and shit. And it's like –

Yeah, because you didn't have one for trans people. Am I right? Trains people. I'm like trains yeah just like trains he writes you a prescription it just says one bra hampton no yeah yeah it is fucking i know a lot of people like like a good friend of mine uh is uh diagnosed bipolar and she's like i don't want to go through the rigmarole of like fucking i'm just like if you just kind of get on the road of like crossing shit off the list I know it sucks I have people who are like

I did it and now I just never want to fuck and I'm like you need to lessen your dosage you need to talk about that with your guy

like that's not you don't have to live that way you need to talk to your doctor about pussy if you don't want to fuck pussy might be right for you you're having trouble fuck your doctor

and there's also sometimes you just need to go to therapy and you don't need to fuck pussy might be right for you fuck your doctor and there's also sometimes you just need to go to therapy and you don't need to be put on a med yeah yeah it's a balance but with the meds

I think it's like you just assume with any other illness like okay if I you know have like kidney fucking AIDS or whatever I go to the doctor

they know what to give me to make me not have kidney AIDS but your brain doesn't work like that so it's like a weird that troubleshooting is fucking terrible it's kind of like when I talk to people about it

I don't know if this is good advice it's just like just like start trying shit. Like just like, hey, meditating doesn't work. Therapy doesn't work. It's making the whole just like, okay, I have to address this. One change. And you'll just – you'll fucking ride high on that fucking like I'm changing my life. Yeah.

I'm trying. It feels good to try something. It feels really good. Sometimes you buy a hat and you're like, oh, the fedora is not working. But I feel like, hey, maybe. Maybe. I know I'm a hat guy. Maybe it's a Nazi helmet.

My ladies. What was, you said that some of them you couldn't sleep. What was the longest that you, because of the meds, you couldn't sleep? I mean, I'm a pussy. It was only two days. Two days. I mean, that's still a long time. Yeah, I had to drive home from college and shit, and I just kept driving.

Yeah. I just kept driving. I just kept driving, dude. I left in the middle of the night. I was like, all right, well, I'm either going to be dead or I've got to go to a hospital. So I let my parents take me to the hospital instead of me just going to the hospital. Because it was like just that age. You're like, I don't know what to do.

Mom. Did you guys ever cold turkey off a med? That's what caused mine. No. Cold turkey off a med? I've never really gone on meds. Oh, God.

Because I've never had like, it's never been diagnosed as like bipolar or anything. They're just like, you're depressed. Yeah, yeah. You can either change a lot of your life.

Any reason you're like reticent to try it? Not that I think you should if you're doing okay. I don't know. Actually, I probably should. Yeah? Yeah.

I've definitely been self-medicating over the last couple years, and it's really fucked up my career and my life. You know what's funny? One main reason I actually went on antidepressants is I saw this bit that Joe DeRosa did. Oh, yeah? I was like, hell yeah. It was a really good bit. I like his comedy.

Yeah, he's awesome. Was it the bit where he left? You were like, I was depressed. No, and then we had him in the studio and he was the most unstoked human being in the show. And I was going to be like,

you actually kind of changed my life in a weird way. It was cool. Really? Exactly. Oh, it's cool, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you ever seen Heavy Metal? Yeah, he's the guy who will never figure it out you can't look like jared from subway we saw him at starburns audio like walking out of a meeting as we're walking in and uh he's like where's good for lunch around here and i was like dude costco lunch right down the street he's like hell yeah he was like that was exactly what i wanted to hear you know what's great next to starburns is, what is it? Costo?

Chili John's. Chili John's. It's just down the street. That sounds like an establishment they go to in Family Guy. Chili John is like a blues man. Dude, it's Guy Fieri approved. Oh, dude. What?

Kid tested. He spray painted his emblem on the side of the restaurant. It's just like a Guy Fieri like, wow. A lot like in The Dark Knight Rises when Bane takes over and they miss Batman, so they paint him up on the wall. Full circle. You were born in Batarang. I adopted it. You were merely born in Flavor Country.

You merely adopted Flavor Country. I was born in it. Should we Flavor Blast over to the mailbag? Yeah, yeah. We'll do that. Anyone else have any sad thoughts? They need closure on? I could go for years.

I could go on and on. This was a great conversation, guys. We'll be right back to answer all your questions, your voicemails and shit in the Mean Boys mailbag in just a minute. Don Carlo's Taco Shop is the number one destination for podcast-themed burritos in North America. That's right. If you're in La Jolla, California, you probably already know about Don Carlos.

But if you don't, go to Don Carlos Taco Shop right across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Yeah, they have a whole bunch of different things you can eat. Some of them are vegetarian. Vegetarian if you're, you know, gay. Well, dude, I don't like that. But go to eatabrito.com check out their very non-homophobic inclusive website uh this is the only burrito for my knowledge that is not actively supporting the westboro baptist church that's true and um you

should eat there because don carlos sponsors the show and it's actually very very good i'm mr labor shut your fat hole shut your shit eating mouth i love their california burritos with uh french fries and sour cream and it's fucking delicious i don't this is not it's not even so bad it's good it's just bad go california oh my god shut up the mean boys podcast is back dipping into the mean boys mailbag to read your questions. Listen to your voicemails. Play the air horns. It's a boating accident.

Blood in the water. It's almost like when the Joker loaded the convicts up in the Batman movie before Dark Knight Rises. Shagadelic, baby. Dude, hell yeah. All right, guys. Angel Escalante writes, if they were to make a movie about you guys,

which actor would you like to play you? It is, yeah, yeah. It was my first pet in the street I was raped on. It was the first... Okay, so I'm Hobbs Fairfield. That's my porn name.

What's the question again? If they were going to make a movie about you, who would you want to play you? Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. Well, this will be tough because we'll be old and all the actors will be dead that we know. Tom,

what? That makes perfect sense. It would be some undiscovered eight-year-old right now who looks like Keith Carey. That's a good point. Oh, that poor kid. If we reversed time, who would be... Or, like, they made it right now.

I mean, probably the cutest of the Stranger Things kids for me. Oh, yeah, you get that Finn Wolfhard. Yeah, yeah. Oh, not the girl. And that's not a porn name?

Not the shaved head girl. Who's the serious version? No, that's the shaved head girl. Yeah, yeah. She gets a real gnarly thyroid problem or is stung by a lot of bees

or something. Who's the serious version of Michael Cera? Jesse Eisenberg. Who's the serious version of Michael Cera? Jesse Eisenberg. Yeah. The serious version. The dramatic reboot of that human being.

That's Connor? Yeah, I could see some. I could see that. Connor's not funny. What about the guy from Baby Driver? Because everyone, I got Baby Driver.

Oh, yeah, you got Baby Driver all day. Ansel, Einhorn or whatever. I'm a baby. I kind of didn't like that movie. I kind of loved it, but it's also retarded. I fucking hated it. I kind of didn't like that movie. I kind of loved it but it's also retarded. It was just like

oh okay. What? I felt like the only person who didn't like that movie. That movie could just be called Edgar Wright Wants

to Fuck His Own Record Collection. Where do you stand on Drive, Hammy? Drive's really good. I don't know if I'll watch it. I mean I'll watch it again. It's just going to be a while. I've seen it like three times. It's really good. I don't know if I'll watch it. I mean,

I'll watch it again. It's just going to be a while. I've seen it like three times. It's really good. But then I'm like, you know, this is like, it's just maybe a little

boring now because I've seen it so many times. Now I'd have to wait a bit to enjoy it again. And the same kind of genre, Place Beyond the Pines? Oh,

that movie's awesome. Yeah, okay. That movie's fucking dope, dude. It's the better version of Drive in a lot of ways.

No, yeah. I mean, the one thing about Drive is it's like styl, dude. It's the better version of Drive in a lot of ways. No, yeah. I mean, the one thing about Drive is it's stylistically amazing, and there's legit shots happening in there that are like, whoa, you could dissect how that went down. We get it. You know cinematography. Wow. Hampton went to community college. You watch YouTube videos.

Wow. Wow. One perfect shot. Good for you. Dude, you read Save the Cat. Good for you. Every frame is a painting. And, you know, it's just what I believe.

It's just what I believe. Who wins in a fight, a guy with a whip or a guy with a bat? That's a question from Twitter or just a thing you thought? No, it's a question from Twitter. Absolutely bat. I think it's bat. Hang on. Although if it's like steel whip.

Well, does a guy whip? Is this a Soul Calibur character? You're thinking of a chain. I'm thinking of a metal-ass picnic is what I'm thinking of. Steel Whip. Soul Calibur. I'm fighting Ghost Rider in this scenario. Here's what I'll say.

It depends on the size of the room. Because it has a lot more reach. You're giving very measured answers to these questions. You're thinking outside the box. You've got to just keep them at bay and just whip it real good. And they need to eventually go apart. My mom and I were talking the other day. We were talking about my sister's kids.

And kids, of course, are more sheltered now and everything. We were just like, man, remember when Dad would just come home and give us all bullwhips and machetes? And we were like six years old. We had whip marks on our eyes because we'd just try and whip each other's faces. He came home from a safari. It was so goddamn dangerous. Was he like big game hunting?

He traveled. I feel like you come from a weird, rich, white, hobby kind of family. Not hobby, but white. It was a lifestyle. Made some money. But, I mean, my dad Not hobby, but white. It was a lifestyle. Made some money. But I mean, my dad just traveled all the time because that was his job. So he'd go to Mexico and be like,

I brought back Bo Wimps. I brought back a slave. In the skies, check it out. Sometimes it would be like, here's a statue of a slave. Hamilton's dad is Ernest Hemingway. That's why he started a suicide pod. Yeah, yeah, similarities.

Yeah, well, you changed his name from Kipling. Well, dude, that'd be so great. You get a slave and you name it as a kid. so there's a grown Mexican man named Flapjacks. He's just like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, it was just one of the only words he knew. Slaves are back. I think the whip thing is – They're cool now.

If the guy knows how to use the whip, I think he wins. How do you use the whip? I've got to figure it's bad because you just rush and close. Yeah, but all you've got to do is dodge one bat swing, get behind him, choke him with the whip. Oh, yeah, but I'm gonna... No, that's not gonna... Yeah, you just choke him with a whip. No, no, no.

What you do is you... Hang on. Fuck all of you. I didn't realize you guys were all wits. I'm sorry that that was dumb. But what you gotta do is you just keep the distance. First you fucking whip his legs so you damage his mobility. And then you just fucking – Oh, wow.

Tom. Tom. It was like everyone was like, oh, Keith's retarded. And you were like, I show you retarded. You're like every nerd that's like, oh, Batman could beat Superman if he had enough prep time. He just needs the prep time. No, no. enough prep time. He just needs the prep time. No, no, you don't understand. He needs the prep time.

In MMA, why do you think they kick the legs to slow the opponent down? Because that's literally half of the – Why do they kick the legs? They kick the legs to slow the opponent down. Because it's not boxing? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Prep time.

Three o'clock after lunch when Keith takes his pills every day. They're trying to slow down the body. Prep time 3 o'clock after lunch When Keith takes his pills Every day I'm gonna dig a hole They're trying to slow down The body All I imagine is If you have a bat You hold it with both hands On each end

Running up So that way If they try to whip your face Or try to get the whip The bat Out of your hands Yeah You got it

Yeah It's not gonna hit you Run up to the motherfucker And then you You beat them to death Here's Here's what it is. Tom, you are the juggernaut of bad opinions.

You cannot be stopped. You have been talking about this whip strategy. This is a great question. Dumb guy versus bat versus whip? Dumb guy? Dumb guy versus whip. Dumb guy with bat wins. Smart guy with whip? Smart guy with bat?

Smart whip wins, okay? Smart whip, dumb bat i get the smart whip dumb bad what okay flying dick i'm talking about intelligence and weapons no no no no okay look if whips sorry if whips were a proven good weapon you would see them in gangland shit but you see bats used daily you see bats for daily for murder. On the ride. It's a little bit of a squishy move to show up with a whip, though. It's not even disputed. It doesn't have the machismo.

The guy with the bat is always fighting someone who has no weapon. No, I have bad opinions. Tom was so wrong, he broke the mic. This fell over because I was yelling at you, and I accidentally turned the mic all the way up. When was the last time you saw someone with a bat fight

someone without another weapon? The other person's always unarmed. How many bat fights have you watched? Plenty. There's a baseball field near my parents' house. I grew up in Brooklyn, 1960. Yeah, I grew up in the movie The Warriors. Every news story.

A bat is one of the least effective fucking... How? How is a bat one of the least effective fucking... How? How is a bat one of the least effective? Are you out of your fucking mind? You have to hit him on the head. You run up, you bite the head off the bat. You disorient. See where the swing's coming from.

A knife, you can hide it. I guarantee you, if I had a good running start with a bat to your chest, I could kill you. I could literally fucking bruise you so bad. How dumb would I have to be to be like, right here, you gotta hit me right here, Hampton. Well, I think he figured it out. I would be moving out of the way. Tom, I like your opinions,

but they're wrong. And also, your hero, the Punisher, has used a bat way more than he's ever used a whip. Oh, shit. He's a mythical creature. I'm talking about real life. No, has used a bat way more than he's ever used a whip. Oh, shit. He's a mythical creature. I'm talking about real life. No, he's a real guy, dude. His family's dead.

Have some respect. Jesus Christ. Support our troops, man. You're like the guy who's wearing the Che Guevara shirt and doesn't know what he is. Welcome home, Vietnam, guys. Thanks for your service.

But you can see how they're going to give us a parade. Yeah, I'm kind of with Tom on this, though, honestly. A knife you can keep I'm with whatever makes Tom stop yelling the words bat and whip. I'm telling you, I know a lot about...

You're saying a whip is... I used to think I was a Zodiac. Don't tell me I don't know about whips. Let me ask you one more question. Have you ever used a whip in your entire life? No. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I have not used a whip. I had life no you don't know what the fuck you're talking about i have not i had whips my entire childhood i was raised around horses i know i just told you my dad

would come back with bull whips since i was six like every year he would bring us whips and we would just whip each other they're very like i mean they're not a good weapon they're for show they're just for show you'd use it to train animals. You don't kill people. Like, literally, the number of people ever been killed or hurt with a whip is so... A bat. A bat, my friend. It's simple.

It's a club. It's utilitarian. You can't get a whip at Sports Show, though. It's utilitarian. A whip? Do they still have Sports Show in? I have no idea. All right.

I need a different question to get asked. Okay, so. Have you ever used throwing stars? Yes. Every kid got those. Can we get an MST3K style show with the Mean Boys characters and Tom just being Tom instead of bad movies? It's just weird porn.

We're actually going to Vegas to do exactly that. Yeah, we're filming that for Pornhub. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, we're roasting porn stars. Yeah. Porn stars or porn? Porn.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're going to look over footage? Yeah, one porn star is going to come in with her shit, and we're going to make fun of it with her in the room. Nice. Stormy Daniels. You guys got her. We can get her.

Yeah, the exclusive. If you had an action figure, what bodily orifices would it be designed best to fit into? Dick hole. Oh, wow. Well, everything goes in a butt. It's so hard to get anything. No one's fit into? Dickhole. Oh, wow. It's so hard to get anything. No one's marketing to the dickhole. Catheter man, the doll. And it just goes up and helps your child pee.

Fucking needle speed. They market it to kids like, catheter man, it's good. You jam his head up your pee hole. The googly eye is looking back up at you. So it's like, oh, you got a buddy down there. If you could instantly revive one TV show that was canceled before its time, what would it be? Roast Battle. All right?

I need another $1,200. The Simpsons. 100%. Mystery Science Theater 3000. Not the old one. This one that's yours is going away pretty soon. 100%. I want you to work, dude.

100%. I would like that, too. But that doesn't even happen. I don't know. Would you show? The King of the Hill, maybe? The King of the work, dude. I would like that, too, but that doesn't even happen. I don't know. King of the Hill, maybe? King of the Hill, maybe. What would it be if you kept Mike Judge running it, kept standard people? I'd like a next-generation Star Trek reunion.

Don't they have a Star Trek right now? They do. It's really good. Oh, okay. I'm like a loser. Jesus Christ. So proud. I never tried to kill myself all right yeah that's your problem all right kind of have a little humility like a little business to change i'll also say you were a child okay how you can't get enough strength

loaded what fucking child i i got what i got i got one every year. I would get a new one until I was like 17. Here's what's going to happen. Next week, Hampton's coming back. We're giving him a bat. Hampton's never coming back. Hampton's not answering a Facebook message from me ever again. This one was a real misfire. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, would you rather have superhuman strength and every time you use your strength you had explosive diarrhea or be able to fly and never poop again? Shut up! Well, if you can never poop again, does that mean that every time you eat you just get fatter and lumpier? Does flying burn calories? Yeah, I'm wondering how that not pooping works. Do you just die from cystic, like, you know, shock? Do you just have a dope week before you get, like...

Is it like a professional whip, or is it like, are we talking like a whip you made yourself? It's not a show whip, okay? It's a fucking whip. It's a metal whip. Like Conor suggested. Hey, man. A metal whip.

It's an overseer's whip. Oh, yeah. Style whip. I forgot that Brandon lives here for a minute, and I just got really scared. You fucking skateboard? To work, yeah. What?

Like 20 miles. Nice, dude. All right, well, where'd you go next? I like that your decimal What? Like 28 miles. Nice, dude. I like that your decimal number is on the number of miles it was. You've never more looked like a junior college Japanese business student. That's real good for the people that are in the room and not listening at home. Not for the dozens of you that listen at home. Okay. We got some voicemails here.

This one, I think, is Dave Ross. Oh, really? What's your favorite new metal... Hey, Hampton. What's your favorite new metal band? I don't know. Maybe that's Dave. Is it?

Does his number start with 617? I can't look it up. Let's look. Because I feel like it's got to be someone that knows you that's trying to fuck with you. I mean, unless you do like nu metal. Where do you stand on snot? No, it's not Dave. It's not Dave.

Okay. Where do I stand on nu metal? Yeah, yeah. Do you have any favorite nu metal bands? Yeah, I like it. I don't have any more. It's like asking, like, who's your favorite disco act? Calling new metal new metal seems weird because at this point it's like 20 years old.

Yeah, exactly. It was a while ago. New metal is old metal and old metal is just metal. All right. It was okay. It was a good time. Korn was fun. I like Korn.

Linkin Park was fun. Honestly, I mean, yeah. If you listen to Last Resort by Papa Roach and you don't feel like doing push-ups, you're a fucking weakling. You're not a man, dude. I tried to kill myself with that song. I have a disability. You fucking asshole. I was 14.

Holy shit. Shocker of the Year Award. I tried to kill myself to the Suicide Song. You know what I love? I love the idea of folks coming in, finding your body, and being like, all right, we're going to tell people. But let's tell them it was a better song. If anybody cares, by David Bowie. If anybody asks, it was Eleanor Rigby, and he wasn't a fag.

I'll be fair. It was my suicide prep song, if that makes sense. Yeah, so you made yourself – you shook up a muscle milk, you know, and you burned some ants with a magnifying glass. Writing a note, like, cleaning my cleaning my room, locking the door. That was more of a prep song. Cut my life into pieces. Now I will clean my room. Now I'm dusting.

No rubbish. Wish my parents would have bought me the Roomba. All right, we got one more. Now I'm imagining me just dead on the ground in the room and just bumping into my head. Wish my parents would have bought me the Roomba. All right, we got one more from one of our... I'm imagining me just dead on the ground in the room and just bumping into my head. All right, guys. That was a good image.

One more voicemail from one of our favorite voicemailers. Hey, Hampton. Hey, what's up, Mean Boys? This is Shortbust Murphy calling again. Shortbust? So between this most recent episode and the Anna Valenzuela podcast that Keith did, I'm fairly certain you're just my fucking Tyler Durden

that's lived my life secretly that I don't know about. If we ever get a chance to meet, we can share some meth mom, crack mom, fucking fucked up at Buca di Beppo stories. It's really odd. And you mentioned how fucking you moved to Florida for motorcycle school. I'm fairly certain Nazi stepdad would have been in class with my roommate at the time. I don't know.

Wanted to share that weird little misconnection. I don't even know. Fucking tidbit since Craigslist isn't around anymore. You guys are the fucking best. See, this is why Trump should have taken out the misconnection on Craigslist. Yeah, dude. Fucking short bus Murphy. That guy sucked your dick.

I don't. Short bus. After every call short buses Murphy has made, I don't want him to think we're very similar. Hey, man. I just want you to know if I meet you, I'm going to cut off your face and put it on my face. I just want you to know that no matter what I do, I sound like I'm jerking off while I'm doing it. But like a depressed jerking off. I love you.

It's like you're Florida and I'm Florida and we should drink fucking Oxycontin. I like Srivastava. He's admitted to the most felonies on our show. He's got great stories. And there's a thread in the Mean Boys Reddit right now where they're like, does anyone else get nervous to leave a voicemail because the guys are kind of mean? Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry, guys.

We're just razzing you. We do appreciate it. 304-85-MEAN is where you call. I'm not. Was that Casey Anthony's boyfriend? Come on. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, sorry, guys. We're just razzing you. We do appreciate it. 304-825-ME is where you call. I'm not. Was that Casey Anthony's boyfriend? Come on. You come from Florida, you're trash.

Small corpse in the back of a car. Small corpse. Small corpse. Oh, dude. Hampton, fucking thank you for coming into the show, man. Small corpse is the name of my new metal band. Check me out. Smell with a Z somewhere. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys.

Yeah, dude. Fucking check out Suicide Buddies. There'll be a link for that in the show notes. You got any dates coming up you want to plug? And also, everyone fucking check out his album.

His albums are fucking great, man. It's one of the best albums I've listened to. I don't want to stand out on you, but I'm always like, you know what? You can actually be funny and kill

and not be a hack. It's like it's possible. I'm a hack. It's fine. So stop writing jokes about Mexicans connor you know so i really i look up to you and you're one of my favorites yeah follow me on at uh twitter like at hampton young and because just because uh i'm coming through chicago to record another album and if people you know find out about that and come out when you do it we'll put uh we'll put it in our uh email sometime in july thanks man fucking uh yeah, yeah, come see Hampton, Chicago.

Come see me in fucking Austin, Texas, headlining The Velvet June 15th and 16th. Nice. And taping that set for TruTV May 23rd in Chicago at the Promontory. A link for that will be in my Instagram bio. BlacklistNYC.com slash LaughTracks. L-A-F-F spelled as obnoxiously as possible. May 23rd I'll be at Rosie McCann's In Santa Cruz

The 24th I'll be at Last Unlimited In Sacramento The 25th and 26th I'll be in Blue Lake In Ukiah Doing various bowling alleys Whose names I cannot remember

But come to those shows They're all pinned on my Twitter Yeah yeah Follow me at Keith Tells Jokes And all the everything Yep Come see us in Vegas May 30th

Denver June 1st We'll have bugged you about that In the intro already of course But we can't wait to see you guys. Tom, anything to plug? No. You were like looking at your phone

for so long. You were about to start a game of Frogger and then got nervous. I spent all that time going like, where's the page with my list of shows? And I got there and it said... And it was like, how did I type a Tumbleweed? Nice.

So the good news is you guys can book me on any day. Listeners of the podcast, book Tom. Hey, I'll do your living room. I'll do a set in your fireplace if there's no fire. Kitchen on top of your microwave.

I'll do a set like Dumbledore, you know, communicating with you from beyond the grave. Put the magic powder in and then Tom will Skype himself over and yell at you about the short bus. Hey, you gas money and a meal. I'm all good. You diva. That's what Amy Schumer charges.

Well, the meal, I mean, it's like three million dollars. Geez, alone. Fat jokes, guys. Fat hair. What a fat family. Boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom. Two of my guys.

Hey, you guys should follow me on Twitter and Instagram at gossgoss6. That's his real Twitter handle, Anton. I'm writing it down. All right, guys. that's it. Thanks. Fuck everything. God is dead.