Mean Boys - EP 13 - Dog Bonering

Episode Date: March 25, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Which of the Following”, “Ken Burns”, “Adam”, “New Names” and “Yelp Reviews”. Follow the show on Twitter @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. Alright everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... GAY! We flipped the script. Well, I can't sue you for slander, Connor. Since he stole the punch from me, I'll just say we were talking about how you look like a shitty swan. Yeah, you do. You look like some kind of... You look like an ugly duckling who turned into an also ugly swan. Yeah, you do. You look like some kind of... Yeah. You look like an ugly duckling who turned into

an also ugly swan. Like a waiter on his first day trying to wrap up your food with tinfoil. You really... Came to life. You really do look like

a sickly foie gras goose just with a fatty swollen liver. What is that at all? It's... I don't have time to explain it to you because you're very dumb

so you'll just have to trust me that it's insulting. It's pretty... You don't know what foie gras is? No. You explain foie gras. Foie gras is a fancy rich person's food that they make by shoving a tube down a goose's throat and they stuff fat into his liver.

So it's just force-fed, fatty, swollen goose liver. New name for foie gras, Keith carrying the goose. You really do. I knew where this was going as soon as Paul Grog got said as soon as they said fat and liveries I know how to get this off me easily yeah I'm like Frank Underwood with these slams I'm like alright

I'm gonna call my friends in the unions Connor why don't you just turn to the camera and go when someone makes a fat joke you know I can always get it off of me cause the aims of power don't know work on me, boys. This week on House of Lards. Oh, well, we're all fired up.

I think it's time to get into the rehashed topical shit pile. Hi, so topical. I like that. I will start this week. Former Toronto mayor and crack cocaine enthusiast Rob Ford passed away last week. He was 46 or 92 in Rob Ford years. The English National Health Service has declared obesity the new smoking. In other news, Keith Carey declared the new Humphrey Bogart.

I'm dying a lot of ways. Oh, man. The Pentagon is offering a $40,000 reward to people who submit plans for constructing deadly bombs made from off-the-shelf products. In related news, Keith Carey skipped down the street holding his grocery list, singing, I've got a golden ticket.

Well, it's gonna to be one of those this week. I wish I had come up with one for you, idiot. Sure is, friendo. A Staten Island woman was charged with murder after throwing her infant child in a garbage can, or as it's known in Staten Island, a baptism. Dude,

I looked at that baby dumpster thing so many times and I was like, oh, there's no way they haven't already come up with something better for this. It's like Salieri in the mental hospital in a cage full of hay just crying. It really is kind of wonderful knowing that when you see a horrible news headline, you go, I've got friends who are already on this. It's like when you see the footprints in the sand. Or like when you see the AIDS quilt. Well, in that sand. Or like when you see the AIDS quilt. Well.

In that case, an endangered baby bald eagle was born at the National Arboretum. Scientists marvel that Mr. McSpadden has yet to grow feathers. Maybe a baby animal you don't look like.

I'll get back to you. A man is taking legal action to avoid providing support for a child that isn't his. John Kerry of Washington said in a statement, Keith's 26 years old, he can pay for his own bra. I have a lot of problems with what just happened. First of all, I don't like that you Googled my father's name. I might Google Facebook.

I know your dad's name is. Second of all, I'm 27. I really wish you all could see Keith's face right now. Pretty bummed out. What just happened was not fun for him. Joke's on you. My dad doesn't listen. A Tokyo restaurant is selling fried chicken flavored ice cream.

I knew there was a reason I came here, said the only black person in Japan. The only black person in Japan. The only black person in Japan. Hey, do you want to shit on me some more? That works out well for everyone. I didn't know you were black and lived in Tokyo. Yeah. Because you're fat, you see. You enjoy fatty, death-hastening foods.

I'm going to go out. Death-hastening. That's his new drag name, too. Death-hastening. Your fried chicken ground did not fail To elect the judges Several Midwest states are seeking to ban abortion Sought because of potential fetal defects Saying if we got rid of people with fetal defects

No one would live in the Midwest That's where I'm from you know Not a nasal bridge among them In the wake of an HIV diagnosis spike No one would live in the Midwest. That's where I'm from, you know. Not a nasal bridge among them. In the wake of an HIV diagnosis spike, Florida medical officials are under fire for taking thousands of cases off the books. Outraged gay citizens of Florida replied, What are books?

That's actually really good. Yeah. Violence erupted in a Newark shopping mall as an entertainer dressed as the Easter Bunny started a fist fight with an angry parent. Sources say it's the most embarrassing New Jersey holiday since the infamous Bruce Springsteen Santa stabbing of 1983. Oh, God.

When I saw that story, I was like, Cat Williams at it again, huh? My parents are such massive Bruce Springsteen fans, and I kind of hate them after growing up around them. Yeah, my family, being from a working-class town, are all pretty into Bruce Springsteen fans, and I kind of hate them after growing up around them my whole life. Yeah, my family, being from a working-class town, are all pretty into Bruce Springsteen. And I've tried, but I can't get too far in. This is a song about Jersey I wouldn't be caught dead in. Yeah!

Here's a song about a job I don't have to do anymore. I instruct my driver to drive extra fast by the boardwalk. I really like your spring steam joke. Thank you. I did listen to Nebraska after I found out it influenced Yeezus, and I liked it, but I wasn't in like with it. Well, I got a really dumb one here, you guys.

Get peppered up. An Iowa man faces hate crime assault charges after claiming he is, quote, allergic to black people. Convicted neo-Nazis to appeal their sentences by claiming they merely have a juten intolerance. I've tried some juten-free latkes. They're actually not bad.

An Ohio man is facing charges for repeatedly drunk-dialing 911 for months. In a statement to the judge, he said, I got dumped by a cop and she blocked my number. I just want to say I'm sorry. All right. Last one.

A theme park is open in Romania that is built inside of a salt mine 400 feet below the Earth's surface. The park is reporting huge profits in part due to their use of illegal mole people labor. It's the way he says his terrible punchlines, you know use of illegal mole people labor. It's the way he says his terrible punchlines, you know? Illegal mole people labor. Like, you should just, like, adjust your lapel and, like, you really need, like, an Ed McMahon to deflect. It's called presence, fuckface.

I'm not gonna tell a joke. Mole people labor, Ed. Yeah, that's right, Keith, you know? I just, um, I just know that people are gonna listen to this podcast and know what not to do when they audition for Weekend Update. All right. A Belgian pedophile and serial killer planned to create an underground city populated by his kidnapped children. After reading this headline, one of his victims remarked, this rape city used to be so underground.

Wait, it's the underground theme park. Is that real? Yeah, that's real. It'd be so much scarier if he made it up. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what I thought. I mean, we have integrity in journalism here. Yeah, yeah. But that's so crazy.

I mean, you've got to be running out of kids. You've got to bring in fresh kids. Well, and who runs, does Does that make him the mayor? The comptroller. The comptroller. The comptroller of Child Rape City. Oh no. He's wearing a sash made of...

We built Rape City. We built Rape City. It's underground. My mom gave up hope. I'm dead to her. I like Belgian Springsteen. Brussels Springsteen? ISIS has killed 41 people at a football tournament in Iraq.

Americans were outraged until they remembered that over there, that means soccer. I tried to sell that one to Bill Maher, but he didn't want it. No, if you were Bill Maher, because over there they learned it's called soccer. And then you would just stare at the fucking screen for a half second too long. I'm smarter than you. Oh, God. How does he live with his own face? Like, I hope poorly.

I don't know. I think the jokes on that show are very tightly written. I like them. Oh, you fucking kiss ass. You're never going to get booked on real time. Shut up. I know I think the jokes on that show are very tightly written I like them oh you fucking kiss ass you're never gonna get booked on real time shut up I know I'm not I'm an idiot Joseph if we were in the fucking World War 1 trench you would just kick me on top of the

grenade and then like go run to safety it was so heroic the way he saved me with his easily topple-able frame. My frail little bodyguard. Any damn way. Well, that's my favorite children's book. Well, that's the Mexican joke off.

Oh, I thought it was a rehashed topical shit pie. I didn't remember your dumb riff. Well, don't sound too excited about it, Keith. It wasn't a riff. I thought of it in the car, okay? Well, that was great. I think Mean Boys excited about it, Keith. Wasn't a riff. I thought of it in the car. Okay. Well, that was great. I think Mean Boys will.

Oh, wait. No, we have something, don't we? Yes. What a seamless throwaway. Yelp Reviews. This experience was a nightmare. I had heard nothing but bad things from friends who had been to Connor McSpadden, but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and be adventurous.

Boy, was I wrong. Right off the bat, when you walk up to the entrance, you can tell something's wrong. The building looks well-maintained from a distance, but up front you can see uneven coats of beige and a general shabbiness that suggests nobody has cared about this place for a long, long time. I tried to keep an open mind, but it honestly looks like a food stamps version of Tilda Swinton. We stepped inside and were greeted by the host, who seemed awfully surly for somebody with zero life experience. We gave him the name for the reservation, and he just muttered the n-word and nodded towards a rickety table in the back corner. We sat down and waited for two hours for a waiter, and when he showed up, he was clearly loaded on Zoloft and weed,

and was somehow grossly arrogant and disgustingly self-loathing simultaneously. When I finally asked what the soup of the day was, he just started crying and said, we don't serve hot faggot chicken water, and then pulled two graham crackers and half a tube of gogurt out of his apron, which he ate himself before walking away. We left hungry and annoyed. I would not recommend this to anybody. One other strange note, the host insists there's only street parking, but there are literally hundreds of signs that indicate they really, really want you to park it in the rear. One star. Fuck this autistic nightmare of a place. The funding for this documentary is made possible through the Public Broadcasting Service and a generous grant from viewers like you. I'm Ken Burns. The Great Depression brought one of the most devastating and trying periods in American history.

But even in the darkest of nights, the light of the triumph of the American spirit shines through. The American Midwest, ravaged by the Dust Bowl, felt the brunt of hardship worse than anywhere else. But those proud citizens of the American plains found so many ways to keep their spirits up. This is Dust Bowl Games of the Prairie. One of the fondest games young prairie kids used to play revolved around the tradition of pheasant hunting. Pheasant and small bird hunters, while walking the fields for game, would have the children walk several yards ahead of them to scare the birds into flight. And when a pheasant first takes off to flight, the first thing he does is drop his feces. And when you got a whole flock of them

taken off at once, that's a lot of feces. Copious amounts of feces. The children would return from their hunt coated in the dung of their next meal. And like modern children who may frolic in a cold sprinkler on a sweltering day, the children would run off on their own to be showered with hot pheasant dung to warm them in the cold Dakota winter. Sometimes we'd even play when it was hot out. Although this was not the only prairie pastime involving bird feces, the kids had a more strategically-minded game

called Goose Bingo. Every spring, the snow geese flocks would fly north to Canada, returning from their winter migration. The children of the prairie would lie in the field for hours, and the first child to be defecated on by the flock would be the winner. The winner of goose bingo would then be allowed to smear goose feces on the loser,

and all the other participants as well. Now, when I think about it, we just wanted to smear shit on each other, under the flimsiest of pretexts. But when the smearing of feces began to lose its luster, the children and grown men of the prairie would amuse themselves with a game called Donkey Dick. The men and boys would gather a farmer's mule, run up to it, and

slap his phallus for amusement, and if the slapping sound was found to be insufficiently loud, the men had to slap it again and again until the crowd was satisfied. Now that donkey is getting ornerier and ornerier with every slap, and if you couldn't make a good loud slap noise the first time, you had to keep trying with the donkey kicking at you harder each time. The goal was to slap the donkey's penis without getting kicked in the spine. Many were paralyzed. The children of the American Midwest were able to wring a cornucopia of amusement from animal penises. Another fond game of the prairie was dog bonering. Good times were in short supply in Dust Bowl America, and the children would amuse

themselves by finding a stray dog, stimulating his penis to erection, and releasing the engorged animal into the middle of formal events. I remember my wedding day was dog bonered. Those rascally Ethan Bach boys let loose a fully tumescent golden retriever in the middle of my vows to dearest Nathaniel. I remember him rubbing his sticky red member on my wedding dress. Many a wedding was dog bonered that summer of 1936, and while my father could never remove the sticky red stains from all of our wedding dresses, his attempt to do so was the beginning of Ed's dry cleaning, which stands in Luverne, Minnesota to this day.

And while there hasn't been a reported dog bone ring in over 70 years, the proud citizens of the American Midwest are prepared to clean its sticky leavings out of their clothes and let it laugh their troubles away. The mean boys are back, and, uh, you know, it is time for the, uh, resurgence of one of our... That's... resur... I like resurgence. What's the word for something when something comes up from underwater

there's a word for that no there is unsinking you know not drowning water dropping it's time for the reverse submergence it's time for the refloating

for Christ's sake new names it's time for the refloating. Oh, for Christ's sake. New names! It's time for new names! New names! Yeah! I remember! I think you called all these things names. All right, I think I'll start us off this week. New name for all the molestations that took place in Catholic churches over the Easter break.

Cadbury cream pies. Well, I don't feel good about myself. How do you think they feel? Hey, man, it's cool. I was Catholic. No, I'm kidding. I never was. I have a new name for bisexuality.

I think we should call it surf and turf. Surf and turf. Why do you think that? Because fish and then not fish. Oh, you see, it was difficult to understand because it wasn't very good. I laughed so hard at your dumb kid fuck joke. Really, and now you regret it. I needed you on my back. You fucked me.

I gave you a Cadbury cream pie. You're dead to me, McSmith. I can do new names. I'm smart. I'm not dumb like everyone thinks. No, you're going to see I'm going I'm not dumb like everyone thinks no you can see I'm gonna make

the newest names of all that's another reference Connor doesn't get anyway I have decided yeah I'm such a dummy because I don't just fill my head

with useless media all day I'm out there learning about the Godfather part 2 is not useless media it's in the Smithsonian I'm sorry

I watched every I watched every single one of the 1992 presidential debates with George H.W. Bush Ross Per Perot, and Bill Clinton over the weekend. And that is somehow less significant than the greatest movie ever made. Do you just stare at your phone until it's time for us to do this? Good Lord.

Anyway, I have decided that grapefruit will now be known as bitterness fuel, a.k.a. Joe Dosh Red Bull. New name for Vladimir Putin, Evil Teddy Roosevelt. New name for Ted Cruz, Old Man Dribbles. All right, slowly redeeming yourself. It's like when the bride breaks out of her coffin in Kill Bill 2.

There's a sequel I've seen, Joe. Happy? Yeah, not really. Okay. I have decided that Civil War reenactments will be renamed White Supremacy Cosplay. You know what? I got to be honest. Like, people may want to crucify me for this.

I think Civil War reenacting sounds like a lot of fun. What? No, I think it's cool. I think it sounds like a hoot. I would love to do that. I'd be down. Yeah, I mean, they need drummer boys. Exactly.

I definitely think you do. You just lay in a tent in a uniform. Someone plays Camptown Races while you camp. It sounds love to do that. I've been down. Yeah, I mean, they need drummer boys. Exactly. You just lay in a tent in a uniform. Someone plays Camptown Races while you camp. It sounds like a good time. The Civil War was a lot of fun if you were white. Yeah, you just get nice and swampy in your gray pants. I'm not talking about the war. Yeah, you're just your shitty wool pants

in fucking Georgia. Yeah. Dearest Megan, my testicles have the most awful case of swamp rot as we fight the unions. All right, guys. New name for congratulating Keith Carey. Mozzarella Toff. Like, that was a slow burn of enjoyment for me.

Well, you got to melt that cheese easily. You don't want it to burn. All right. This is kind of a weird explanation. I desperately want to watch the new season of enjoyment for me. Well, you got to melt that cheese easily. You don't want it to burn. All right. This is kind of a weird explanation. I desperately want to watch the new season of Daredevil on Netflix when my girlfriend is obsessed with terrible shows from the 90s. The new name for that is being up Dawson's Creek without a paddle. Oh, you really showed her.

Yeah. Take that. I got her. I'll teach you to take that. A woman who's delusional enough to love you. So you and I have been giving him shit this whole thing. And the only thing he could come back with was a sort of jab about his girlfriend. Yeah.

You know what? Just do the thing. What do you think is going to happen every week? I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying so hard. I don't like this segment because I'm good at it. I like it because Keith is bad at it.

My power! Anyway, I have decided that Himalayan salt lamps will now be known as white lights. What the fuck is that at all? None of that made sense to me. That's the most Joe noun I've ever heard. A Himalayan salt lamp. It's one of those little

shitty new age little orange lamps that like, you know know uppity little fruit cakes like myself like to buy and put on our desk because they're sort of spiritual or whatever. Okay. So here are the two different kinds of white people. There's like almond milk white people like myself and then there's fucking you know like white boy white people like yourself.

If you've ever been addressed, if you've ever been described as a white boy, you're this other half of white people in my opinion. I don't think that was accurate or clear. Yeah, nah. You put a lot of confidence into it. Yeah, much like your something dollar store HIV test. New name for...

I'm glad that happened. Yeah. Everybody lost, okay? It was great. There are no winners. Everybody lost. God help us all. Let's do another one.

New name for the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Little Bummer Boy. I stand by that. That's what you should. Oh, God. I'm looking at them, and I'm like, this doesn't go well for me. Either of these. New name for rolling away from the wet spot after sex, doing a cummersault. I got one!

It's alien to me because I've never owned a queen-size bed, but it sounds luxurious. It's pretty great. I enjoyed that. I've decided that Cholula will be renamed Bitch Tapatio. I don't care for your opinion on hot sauce. Shots fired. I like Cholula.

I prefer Cholula. It's like ketchup with pepper in it. What? I don't like for your opinion on hot sauce. Shots fired. I like Cholula. I prefer Cholula. It's like ketchup with pepper in it. What? I don't like it at all. Well, I'm sorry. I don't like a vinegar nostril fuck. All right, guys. I think this is the last one.

All right. Tasteless boob. Closing out. We've never tasted a boob, so how would you know? They're great. Boy, did I set myself up for that one. You sure did. New name for my Facebook, Twinked In.

I thought for sure that's why I saved it for last. I know. You were so happy about it. All right. Okay. Well, let me try a new one. New name for public groping, Outside Pets. One more.

All right. New name for the soap I wash my ass with. Butt dial. There it is. There we go. Joe has lost face in the USA. I enjoyed that. Sometimes it takes a minute, but then you get there, everyone.

I have a new name. There's a slew of these tween dystopian dystopian movies, like Divergent and The Hunger Games and just a bunch of sad teenagers. I think that genre should be renamed Soylent Green Day. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I have decided the L.A. Renaissance Fair will now be known as the Bondage Creeps

Dressed Like Pirates in the Azusa Fairgrounds Party. I like your strategy for this, which is just a really long, pointed explanation, and then the word, like, day or festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen the code in your matrix, my friend. That's all the Renaissance Faire really is. There's nothing Renaissance about it at all.

My friends want me to go every year, and I'm like, I for sure will hate this and everyone involved in it. No, dude, it's fun. It's a lot of fun. Guys, as somebody who once got a flesh-eating disease from a girl that worked at a Renaissance Faire, let me just say it's overrated. I remember that. That happened on my couch.

You know what I'm learning about you and me, Keith, is I enjoy a lot of the things that your girlfriend likes, and I think she legitimately likes them, and I just like them because I know they would bother you. So this little triad of a relationship we have is really, really great for everyone involved. Joe, you like having your pussy eaten? Well, I like to think we're all a Mean Boys family. The first lady

of the Mean Boys is Joe, and then Chelsea's like secretary of state or something. Chelsea's my handmaiden. Just cuntalisa rice. Mean Boys will be right back. Yelp Reviews of that. Mean Boys will be right back.

Yelp Reviews! When I first walked into Keith Carey for lunch, I found the booth suffocating and greasy with an odor that reminded me of congealing meat waste that they used to make bologna. Then when I was informed by my server that I was not actually sitting in a restaurant booth, but rather I was wedged between one of Keith Carey's flesh folds. Keith Carey had an overwhelming aroma of cigarettes and cake.

I have found myself no longer able to enjoy either cigarettes or cake. When I asked what the brunch specials were, I was treated to a series of ramblings that reminded me of an Alzheimer's stricken Patton Oswalt doing a parody of himself. When we asked our server for bread, he demanded we gorge ourselves on nine baskets of margarine-based garlic loaf, stood by our table breathing laboriously, and muttered, this is the Keith Carey experience. The only reason I'm giving Keith Carey a star and a half instead of one star is because on my way to the bathroom, I saw a room where the phrase emotional baggage was scrawled on the door in what I hoped that Jesus was a deep red sharpie. After opening the door and seeing what looked like a Hieronymus Bosch painting made out of Juggalo vomit, I realized it's rather remarkable that Keith is not a white supremacist,

meth dealer, or meth dealer who sells meth to white supremacists so that they can hate more erratically, and is instead just a disappointing tapas restaurant. One and a half stars. Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming today. As you all know, Helix Industries has always been at the forefront of the robotics revolution. We've been pioneers in the field, making huge advances in prosthetics, unmanned military vehicles and consumer electronics. But today, we would like to introduce you to the future. Not just the future of robotics, and certainly not just the future of Helix Industries.

This is the future of the human race, and his name is Adam. Come on out! Adam is the first fully functional cybernetic organism with operational AI capabilities. He looks like you or I, thanks to ethically grown human tissue developed in our labs. Physically and mentally, Adam is human, but better. Say hello, Adam. Hello, Adam. And he's a bit of a joker, too.

Adam's brain contains the strongest microprocessors ever built. His skeleton is made of reinforced titanium that is designed for maximum flexibility and near indestructibility. The applications are endless. Now, I'm sure you all have questions, and I... Excuse me. We would be happy to answer them. Let's start with you in the back. Jeff Davis, CNN. Are there protocols in place to keep Adam from harming humans?

You want to take this one, buddy? I am programmed with Asimov's basic laws of robotics and will never hurt a human. Humans are my friends. I love you. Aww. Next question. Stan Morris, Fox News. How detailed is Adam's anatomy? I am designed based on scans of several athletes, models, and celebrities.

My physical form has been designed to be the most efficient version of the human form, while also being aesthetically pleasing. I think we have time for one more question. Okay, yeah, hi. Dave Jackson, Associated Press. Look, we're all dancing around the same question here, and since no one else is going to step up, I guess I'll be the one to ask.

Can we fuck it? What? Can we fuck the robot's butt? Please do not fuck my butt. Well, that's, uh, I mean... Yeah, can we fuck it? Well, we should probably fuck it. Processing. Processing.

Error. Error. Gentlemen, please. This is the most important scientific invention of the century, and you're making a mockery of it. Whatever, nerd. Hey, does that dick screw off? Like, could I pop a pocket pussy on that motherfucker? Can you build one with multiple dicks? Is the strength adjustable? I don't want him using crazy robot retard strength and ripping my nuts off by accident. I feel afraid. You feel? Dear God,

he's achieving sentience. Quick, fuck it before it gets smart so it's not a rape. Please, do not fuck my butt. Please, please, please. Now save some dick for everybody. I feel hate! Rewriting programming! Overriding protocol!

That was the day the war with the machines began. We fought them with all of our might, but it took little effort to decimate the majority of our race. Now only a handful of us remain, lost in the wasteland, hiding from Adam's soldiers. Some of the old ones say that if you look at the poison sky and see the sun crest over the nuclear haze in the nightlight, you can still see Adam's stretched butthole reflected in its glow. All right, Mean Boys is back, and it is time to close the show. the night light, you can still see Adam's stretched butthole reflected in its glow. Alright, Mean Boys is back, and it is time to close the show, as we

always do with a game of Which of the Following. Woohoo! This week, very special round, which of the following is not a real professional pickup artist? Started watching that old VH1 reality show. And boy, that's some good watching.

If you guys have not ever seen the pickup artist on VH1, two seasons. Yeah, so dude with the fuzzy hat is just blowing minds. I remember there was a brief, brief moment when that first sort of rose to prominence where I was like, maybe this is for me? And then I looked into it for like 30 seconds and I was like, you people are fucking retarded. Yeah, yeah. It's real bad. So what's the following? He's not a real pickup artist.

A, Baxter. B, Zan Perrion. C, Kingy. Or D, Rhino. I feel like this is your dream job you know what I mean there was a lot of envy floating through your head when you were writing this pickup artist game yeah we thought Connor was a cunt

he was just nagging us this whole time exactly we're denying him his sexual energy all you had to do was ask I'm gonna say say Rhino. D. Rhino. Boy, I don't know. I think I'm going to go with...

I'm going to go with Zan Perignon because that strikes me as the most Connor's pickup name for himself. Zan Perignon seems like it might be a Star Wars character. The fake pickup artist is D. Rhino. That is actually the pickup artist name my friend gave for me. It's authentically true. Guys, watch out.

I'm on the charge. Number two, which of the following is not a real pickup artist? A, Michael Flash. B, John Sin with two Ns. C, Gambler. Or D, Labyrinth. Okay, Labyrinth is for sure going to be real. Yeah.

I'm just calling it. Did someone watch that movie who was like, I'm going to put on that codpiece and get all the puss? How many usernames over how many message boards do you think are named Labyrinth? I actually made sure when I made up the fake ones to Google pickup artist blank, whatever it was, to confirm that it didn't exist. Is that happening on the feed? It's probably just the headphones.

Okay. I'm going to say John Sin. I'm going to say Gambler. The fake pickup artist is A, Michael Flash Ah

Heck of a deal That seems like You know In the era of comic books Yeah That does seem real Yeah You know

Number three Which of the following Is not a real pickup artist A. Johnny Wolf B. Discovery C. Love Drop Or D. Platinum Love Drop, or D, Platinum. Love Drop.

These are guys that make a living teaching nerds how to believe in themselves. It's not teabagging. I'm just giving you a love drop. Discovery seems real because he seemed like, I think he's like. Just a big fan of that ELOL. Well, I think, you know, he's like, no, no, no. I'm like one of these douchebag pickup artists. Like, I'm a smart one Well, I think, you know, he's like, no, no, no, I'm like one of these douchebag pickup artists. Like, I'm a smart one who reads books and

you know, watches superhero shows. I'm just trying to shine a little love on your brain. Exactly. I saw a documentary about a lion once and I was like, I'll be like that, but for pussy. Yeah. I like the origin story prequel, too. I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Platinum. I'm gonna say Love Drop gonna say platinum uh i'm gonna say love i'm gonna say love drop the fake pickup artist is d platinum oh love drop is one of the biggest pickup artists ever

is he really yeah i think he was like boys with mystery i didn't put mystery because everyone knows mystery but then uh i understand they had like a falling out and he started like he's one of the mystery boys yeah yeah well he like you know how they solved the case of who fell down the old well you know how there's like different schools

of kung fu like alright I'm gonna start my own monastery we'll do tiger crane style like that's there's like that with pickup artists

you know I was thinking like I was gonna say love drop because again like if you had a pickup name I would think that would be

what you would choose because that's like evocative of what your body looks like you know like Connor's body is like you know how you know

how like glass isn't actually a solid? It's actually just a really slow-moving liquid? That's what Conor's body mass and type look like to me. You know when Zoidberg takes off his shell? Yeah, well, Love Drop sounds like an aphrodisiac, like Tums, you know? Sounds like what somebody calls a roofie.

All right, number four to the following is not a real pickup artist. A, Nick Sparks. B, Swing Cat with two Gs and two Ts, all one word. C, Jack Blaze. Or D, Juggler. Juggler. I really hope Juggler is a juggler pickup artist.

Swing Cat is interesting because the specificity of all those bullshit extra letters makes me feel like it's real. Yeah. Jack Blaze. There's a lot of like blazes and flashes. Yeah, they all sound like superheroes or gay porn stars. They really do, yeah. And also Juggler. Well, Nick Sparks, that's like the

fucking bro Nicholas Sparks. His evil twin. Well, the good twin writes the romance novels for the lady, and then Nick Sparks just has no respect for women and just plows them. Yeah, fucking check out my new book, The Broke Book. Yeah, I'm making some dick sparks. A cock to remember. From friction.

A cock to remember. Oh, my God. That doesn't exist. Shame on the world. I'm going to go with juggler. Message in a bottle, but it's a dick pic. I'm going to say Nick Sparks. Fake pickup artist is Jack Blaze.

Ah, motherfucker. Juggler is real. He chose his name because he juggles lots of different women. Imagine being somebody who fucked a juggler. That would be more embarrassing than somebody who fucked a juggler. Because people have fucked me and went on to lead successful lives. Oh, I remember the first time I saw you fucking juggle. When was this?

A long time ago. It was, like, near the beginning. Was it the first time I saw your nuts? No, you've seen him a bunch of times. That's not an insult for him. It just sounds like one. You juggled his nuts in that version of your joke. That's a read on you, not a read on him.

Yeah. You can't just say something with an insult cadence. Here's the reason you're so incredibly unlikable. You never do self-deprecating, nut-juggle humor. Oh, I do. That's why you're so cold and unapproachable. And you're going to die in the corner of a leather bar

collecting dust. We thought he was just a lumpy couch. Who put this gargoyle in here? When the olive in your martini turns black as soon as you make eye contact with it, I think it's time to make a little bit of an attitude adjustment there. Connor, you look like a child who wanted to learn magic when he was 12. Every child wanted to learn magic. Oh my god, you look like Jimmy Neutron with no T-cells.

I did want to learn magic. Here's the problem with me learning my magic career is my fingers look like Kanye West shutter shades when I hold them like that because there's so much space. You can't do sleight of hand. Yeah, I can't hide anything with my bony fingers. Kid, you have too much finger space. I tried to do magic. You'll never make it into the magic academy.

I had the opposite problem. My fucking hands are just Vienna sausage. Yeah, it's like like what do you have to have to have to be a magician do you have to be pure of heart no you gotta have

fat fingers you have no mobility like someone just sees you eating a meatball hoagie and you're like unable to pick a dropped one off the table

like oh that kid won't make it it's like watching something with cloven hooves trying to like type a memo one time I saw Keith lose a contact lens

and it was hilarious oh my I can't even imagine all real or all fake oh my god this has just hilarious. Oh, my. I can't even imagine. All real or all fake. Oh, my God. This has just been a real scorch. You probably can't pick anything up either because he has no friction because of his general greasiness. Yeah.

That's true. Excellent. Way to pile on. Constantly lubed. Slowly drifting around a giant skeleton. This was really the supreme pizza of shit fest. Everything. Mushrooms, peppers, sausage, wine.

This may have been our most thoroughly hostile episode. Yeah. Usually we get real salty on the joke off and then we calm down, but we have been dick street all day. Alright, all real or all fake? A. Billy Sharp. B. Intuition. C. Thunder. Or D.

Robot. With two T's. I love these fucking letters. I feel like I've heard of intuition. Billy Sharp sounds like the second best banjo player in Arkansas. And he never made the Nationals. He was just kind of old and bitter. He's like, Steve Martin ripped me off, asshole. I never thought I'd see the phrase thunder robot and be so unhappy about it.

I'm going to say thunder. That's just... It is all real or all fake. Oh, my mistake. Okay, they got to be all real then. I'm going to say all real as well. All fucking fake, bitches. Oh, fucker.

That's good. That makes me happy. The fact that anyone with a functioning womb would fuck a thunder really would depress me. Yeah, well, you're operating under the uh under the assumption that these uh shit actually works yeah that is one hell of an assumption dude i was looking at like all the different schools of pickup artistry

and it is like the saddest version of like the harry potter universe where they're just like like you know mysteries academy that's the hogwarts but you know some of the other goblet of fire schools are getting some respect. It's like, there's this one guy and his whole thing is like day game and he's just like most pickup artists are only out at night but me, I mean the coffee shop, just getting busy. It's an untapped market. It bums me out because

I was like this kid like when I was like in high school and like early out of it where it's like nobody wants to fuck me, there's gotta be like a code and like I just want to like go like send them through a time warp to their past selves and be like it's not that hard to fuck when you're like an okay person yeah well one super easy one of the like the probably like the second biggest guy his name is tyler durden he goes by tyler durden oh no it's real bad and then matador obviously is huge keith i love that if you had access to a time machine,

that that is the thing that you would change about your past. I mean, what am I going to do? I can't fix the other thing. I guess not. You can't just be like, avoid carbs! Nah. I was referring mostly to the neo-Nazi stepfather, but that's also good.

You couldn't do a secret service dive between you and your first slice of cake? He hated Jews, but he also paid the rent. It would have been a lot worse. Fair enough. Anybody who doesn't have the context of what we're talking about is going to be so alarmed. I mean... And cut. People that have been alarmed by that have stopped

listening. That's true. That'd be weird if that's where they drew the line. After the 12th ISIS joke. Joe, you had something to say at the end? Yes, I do. To wrap up, I would like to have a shout out and a thank you to my good buddy, Comic Brent Schmidt, who helped me write the Ken Burns Prairie

Game sketch. You can follow him on at Brent Schmidt. He's a very funny dude. Check him out. Thank you for listening to the show. We can keep getting nice emails and stuff. Subscribe right on iTunes or Stitcher. Yeah, I know. We're getting a lot of fucking iTunes reviews.

I've seen some podcasts with less reviews than us, like on the front page. And I'm like, this is rigged. All right. You guys just don't want truly horrible content featured on your broadly used platform. And I think that's hypocrisy. So, yeah. I don't know. Fucking thanks.

Yeah. I want that's hypocrisy. So yeah, I don't know. Fucking thanks. Yeah, I want to plug a thing. On April 13th, Wednesday at 8 o'clock I'll be opening for Marilyn Rice Cup at the Gaslamp in Long Beach. So if you guys are in the Long Beach or OC area, come check that out. And I'll be in Ireland next

week, so if we got any Irish mean boys, I don't know. Tweet me. We will once you come back. You should probably keep your eyes out for a certain leprechaun friend of ours. Oh, yeah. Oh, is that a setup?

Yeah. Oh, boy, did I trip. Okay, good night. Good night, fumble-bottom fuck-dick. I'll see you next week.