Mean Boys - EP 130 - Antiques Chodeshow (feat. Ramsey Badawi)

Episode Date: May 29, 2018

Get tickets for our Las Vegas and Denver shows: http://meanboyspodcast.com Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Ramsey Badawi on Twitter: twitter.com/ramsbad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by DAZN. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Haaland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on DAZN, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at DAZN.com slash FIFA.

That's D-A-Z-N.com slash FIFA. Hey, everybody. It's Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm recording this at 5 a.m. at a hotel room at the Circus Circus. We had a very full day of roasting porn stars and partying on the strip. And we're excited to tell you all about it very, very soon. But in the meantime uh we've got a studio episode with the one and only big ass ram dog sitting in on this motherfucker and

this is a long one uh this one is just jokes and mailbag uh we had a fucking a lot of questions and voicemails backlogged and uh we want to give a big shout out to everybody that sent in mailbag jingles we're going to drop one in this episode we'll play all of them i think i think we know which one we're going to be using going forward, but we got some fucking heaters, and we really appreciate them, guys, and they'll all get their moment in the sun. But right now, I'm trying to get this shit up for you guys so you can listen to it at the

factory, and we realized that we forgot to record a goddamn intro, so I'm here in front of the bathroom. Some important news. If you're in Las Vegas, hit us up. We're going to go get fried chicken. We'll figure that out soon. Look at the Twitter. DM me.

I'll get at you. We'll coordinate. And for the love of Christ, come to the show tomorrow at the Jackpot Bar and Grill. It's starting at 930 now. We moved it. That'll be in the email blast going up today at some point when I wake up at 3 in the afternoon. And, yeah, go Golden Knights, but we don't want to fucking conflict with their goddamn game. So that's going on.

And then, of course, Denver on Friday at 7 p.m. with the Comedy Room Room. Tickets are still on sale. That's going to be a fucking blast. We just added Jake Flores to that show, ICE detainee of note. He's in Denver, so he's going to be a great, great motherfucking guest. And this episode with Ramsey is a lot of fun.

I just want to remind you guys to leave us a review on itunes if you haven't already it only takes a goddamn second and it's very easy to do it's a couple of taps you know you can do it while you're jerking off and if you do that definitely tell me that that's how you did it because that's super funny and i would read one at this point but i forgot and it's 5 a.m and i'm just trying to give you guys a goddamn podcast uh to help us out on Patreon because, goddammit, do we need it, okay? We got upgraded to a double suite in the nicer part of Circus Circus because we got lucky this time. But there could have very possibly been some syphilis in the equation had we not rolled the dice on hotels tonight about 45 seconds before we checked in. And, yeah, $5 a month gives you weekly bonus content.

$10 a month gives you weekly merch. I'm mailing out the keychains. I brought them to Las Vegas. I took them in a porn studio. They have been near tits, all right? These are extra valuable. You guys are going to appreciate them. They're coming.

We've all been very busy fucking traveling. I've been a sexy TV bitch. Keith's been up in Northern California. Tom, I think discovered Bigfoot. I'll get with him on that and we'll talk about it. I think that's all the goddamn shit. Get on our email list.

Let us know where you want to go on tour because goddamn, it's night one and I've already raged hard enough for the whole week. We have a lot to discuss on the bonus content very soon. We fucking want to come see you guys so go click that link in our twitter bio and uh yeah fill out the spreadsheet let us know the closest major city uh you know how many friends you have and your email address so we can

let you know when those motherfucking tickets are live i say motherfucking when i gotta buy myself some time is that coming across clearly on this here intro yeah and. And, uh, yeah, I think that's pretty much it. I'm headlining the Velveeta room in Austin, June something and something middle of June tickets. It's in my, it's my pin tweet. Go, go there and,

uh, fucking stay tuned for the, uh, wood rocket roast of April O'Neill. That was a lot of goddamn fun. Uh, check out our Twitter for some fun pictures of us with tits. Uh,

all right, guys, you've listened to me enough. I gotta go to goddamn bed. Tom just made us his signature cocktail of Pellegrino and Gatorade, which he called White Kool-Aid and it is delicious and I can't wait to sip on it while I edit our fucking podcast.

I think I gotta bleep some shit out of this one because of a legal reason, so you know it's gonna be a good one. Alright, that's enough. You guys are the best. We appreciate you. Enjoy the show Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast You're always going to be the same person you were yesterday I'm Connor McSpadden I'm Keith Carey.

I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... Bootleg Mr. Robot. Oh, come on. Who's that, Rami Malek? That's exactly who it is. Every time Ramsey gets slammed, he always does this. Oh, you.

Like he's getting a bad birthday present. You look like an air traffic controller for a drone strike in those headphones. I was going to say, because... Like you're waving those little tiny flashlights just at a building? I took these headphones from my work because I was supposed to have a meeting with a Japanese businessman. They want you to look more like a giant robot to make you culturally comfortable? Yeah. You do look like the guy sitting in the tent of every Army commercial where it's like, hey, I could be the tent guy.

You look like Lando Calrissian's friend. I'm not kidding. The other day I did Google. I was like, army jobs that don't require war. Dude, I did the crowd working on a guy one time. And he was like, I was in the army. And I was like, oh, okay. Were you like with the guy sitting in the tent with the big green laptop or are all your friends dead?

And he's like, the second one. And I was like, oh, this was. I was like, where did I think that was going to go? Like, what scenario did that work out great? It's like, well, you're alive and gay now. Yeah, it's like, wow, you nailed it, unfortunately. Did they applaud? No, no.

Did he thank you for your service? For bravely pointing out that his friends are dead? That's hilarious. Dude, yeah, I mean, comedians, there's really no difference between the armed services in terms of what we provide to society. I'm not saying we're the real heroes. I am thinking it every day. I spit on a homeless veteran on our corner. I'm saying it.

I want to talk about Stolen Valor. If I see you wearing sneakers and a blazer, alright, you know what? Just to try to drum up money on the street, a little bit of sympathy, you didn't earn that. You never told it like it was. So help me God if you stand in front of a brick wall.

I will dox you on my podcast for literally 3,500 people, all right? And I will tickle taint milk and death of the filth are going to bother you for a few days before you forget about it. And your life will be ruined, all right? I tried to join the military. They did not want me. I can't believe they weren't into it. Let me rephrase that. Tom walked into a Salvation Army once and was asked to leave.

Oh, no. It was pretty impressive going from the recruiter at the high school to the recruiter at the interview and the recruiter going, okay, well, you should leave. The federal government deemed you too terrifying to die you you got you got friend zoned by the concept of suffering is what happened i may have told you guys this story so stop me if i have i have four stories one this i was recruited to join the cia yeah you're like the house of one of your dictators no one from ramsay's country is allowed to go to anything with more stories than four. We only have four stories.

Yeah, yeah. It's bad luck. I got recruited to join the CIA because I speak Arabic fluently. They weren't going to use me as a translator. And I went into the office. They gave me a test. They were like, this is just a test. They said, okay, we just need to see if your hand is bigger than your face.

You guys don't know this, but that's a classic move we do in the Middle East. So that's how they really stop a lot of tricks. Your hand is bigger than your face here in ISIS? No, the guy goes, all right, just a quick background check. We just need to make sure you're all good. So we got some questions to ask you. This was before Ramsey joined the Pen15 caliphate. Sorry, continue. He goes goes have you smoked pot before and i was like yes look at me and then he goes okay well we can't take you and he goes and then like afterwards i was telling the story to opie one time and opie goes why didn't you just lie and i was like i don't know i guess so and i guess

that's a good tell for like if i get caught in some yeah yeah behind enemy lines that's really what they're checking you for are you a spy yeah it's like oh you were already a bitch we didn't even waterboard you dude i fucking i yeah i had a buddy who was like trying to get into the sea he's like my buddy's like cousin you know i kind of knew this guy and he wanted to go to the cia he wanted to do he wanted to torture people, basically. And he was like my buddy Ryan would like got into pot, you know, and I'd like bring him roast battle edibles and just watch him be like suburban and high, you know. And he was just like, I can't do it. I got a higher calling.

I was like, you want to hurt people. He got popped selling booze to like all the kids at his school. Right. And he got popped selling booze to like all the kids at his school, right? And this gal was like, you know, I'm not going to report it to the principal. I want my kid to graduate. I want your kid to graduate, but you have to let me call your dad. And he was like, I can't. My dad is going to beat the shit out of me or whatever the fuck it was. So he's like, they just show up in my house one day and they're like,

Connor, we need you to pretend to be a Mexican divorced dad who is cool with your... We went to a park. I got hyped up for it. And I fucking crushed it. Connor's wearing a sombrero during the

football. Orale, it's me, the dad. El dedo grande. Taco Monster. One line I was so proud of is... I remember I said, well, he's not, the dad. El Dado Grande. Taco Monster. One line I was so proud of. Donde es papá? I remember I said, well, he's not going to have a very, Adam's not going to have a very fun graduation. I'll tell you that right now. And she could hook, line, and sink her completely, but I could totally.

You hiked up your khakis and marched away. I fucking ate it in a bed, underage drinking. I'm sure there's several people are dead, you know, because. I would have been very suspicious as soon as a dad answered the phone. Yeah, yeah. I would have been like, what is he doing in your life still? Yeah, I just realized I probably shouldn't have told that on air. But that guy's always been kind of a cunt to me. So whatever.

Yeah, that also is the plot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. If it comes back to you, you can deal with it, bro. All right. And that man went on to be Mike Pence. I always forget, like, your friends still are in communication with you and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're cool. I mean, we have a private Facebook group for just our, like, 15-year-old friends.

Yeah, I'm in it, right? You are in it, yeah. I did add Tom as a bit, and Nathan Camp is in there. Oh, that's fine. Because they all like the same anime, and they need to make friends. Sure, sure. I'm kind of the guy on the outside, you know. So, yeah, no, I recommend the private Facebook high school friend group thing.

It's called the League of Anti-Jake, you know. And it's just them, like, posting, like, whoa, who's got their hotel for Anime Expo? Like, look at this fucking Zaku I built. Man, fucking online dating is tough. It's basically like if it was a larger membership it would be where they'd recruit like incel sleeper, like terrorist people.

For the high school that I got kicked out of for throwing the table at the sailing captain, they have... Start over. Oh, you've heard this story. Have I heard this story? Maybe not But it's I'll hear it again How did you hear it And forget it?

You threw a table At a sailing captain? Well I also had Some suicide stuff And some memory issues And some brain issues Yeah we know that stuff That's a pretty clear

And then some guy Was just He kept making fun of Wait you had some You tried to kill yourself? Maybe I gotta tell you Connor

I was talking to Tom earlier And he goes, hey, I have this new bit on suicide and I thought he said he had a bit on Syria. I go, oh,

you have a bit on Syria? And he goes, yeah, yeah, you know, Captain Crunch. But, but,

but, Ramsay said cereal. Oh. I thought you thought that he was like, he had like all the fake war medals and shit. Like,

they're just pulling down statues of him. The Ayatollah Crunch. that he was like, he had like all the fake war medals and shit. Like they're just pulling down statues of him. The Ayatollah Crunch. I was like, I think Tom thinks Captain Crunch is the president of Syria. I don't know why Captain Crunch gassed all the boo-berries. It's because prop Sunni propaganda posters just stays holy even in milk. Anyway, so yeah. Some guy pissed you off, right? He was talking shit.

Oh yeah. And then I threw the table at him. But it's all, like, very, like... Like, it's very, like... Tom gets in fights like he's in Dead Rising. He just picks up the nearest item and just mashes an axe until it breaks. I always defend myself. I didn't go and buy a table to throw at him.

Sure, throwing a table at somebody is not defending yourself. Throwing a table at somebody is Hulk shit. Yeah, nobody thought that you purchased... You got an Allen wrench and, you know, borrowed a truck and went to Ikea so you can get back to this guy. It took me 27 minutes to assemble this, and then you're so fucked.

It was the nearest. 27 minutes for Tom to assemble an Ikea table? It's pre-made. He just has to take it out of a box. Is throwing a table at somebody how you test into special ed? So this is when I was at one of the top. I jumped myself into the gang. Top 100 high schools in America. I'm looking at your L table here, and at one of the top. I jumped myself into the gang. Top 100 high schools in America.

I'm looking at your L table here, and it is off the charts. Because he looked at you funny, and you threw it eight feet. Wow, very good, Tom. Oh, shit. How far would it have gone? About seven, close to eight feet, just under eight. And you referred him as the sailing captain when he was, in fact, a man and a half. This is a good question has anyone ever watched the shot put at a special olympics because that's gotta be goddamn impressive it's just a frisbee i think

special olympic shot but guy just like he spins in the circle but then just keeps spinning and gets dizzy and falls over i imagine them doing the like the quick shot put where they take like three steps and then just ramming the ball into their own head kill me oh that's fucking yeah man i mean you think it's a myth and then and then you then your neighbor nick has a brother named brian that you don't you only see on the weekends and you turn off his spyro game and fight him, and all of a sudden, you're in a war for your life, my friend. Hey, Brawl, dude.

Yeah, man. I mean, he liked Spyro a lot, and this was a big priority to him. Dude, they're like chimps, man. Don't show your teeth, keep your head down, don't turn off their PlayStation. Some of them got cute butts. Every part of that is a problem. You know, I thought what you were saying was kind of offensive, so I thought I'd make it more whimsical, and it got worse.

Yeah, you're starting to do I want to fuck the disabled and also a monkey. Yeah. Disabled like to fuck, too. Yeah. A bunch. Yeah, there was a kid who was. Where do you think that was coming from? Well, yeah, dude, I mean, fucking we got the voicemail from Short Buzz Murphy.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, fucking, yeah, you ever check out a girl and then realize she's, like, dude. I mean, fucking we got the voicemail from short Buzz Murphy. Yeah, yeah. Dude, fucking. Yeah. You ever check out a girl and then realize she's like autistic? You ever like see it like a girl's butt? And she turns around and you're like, oh, boy. Damn, girl. Those legs go all the way down.

There is a porn star. I don't know her name. I don't like where this is going already. I do. I don't know her name. But I think her where this is going already. I do. I don't know her name. But I think her conceit is that she's a little retarded. Like, I do think there's, like, a weird, like, boy, I'm going to. It's Stormy with a Chance of Meatballs Daniels.

I thought it was Stormy Daniels. Bang Short Bus. There's no way we haven't done Bang Shortbuss. We definitely have covered this. I'm fine revisiting it. This is a greatest hit show. I'm going to pull up her name at some point. Well, it'll be in the show notes.

Check her out. Tell me if she's retarded. Oh, man. It's going to be real weird when we find out she was just Korean. Oh, God damn. Oh, goddamn. Thanks, Starburns. Oh, we got to tell Ramsey the story. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Tom, you tell it. This is pretty good. Okay, so there's not a lot of space for me to jerk off in this house. I want to hear Morgan Freeman there at the beginning of the movie. There's not a lot of space for me to pleasure myself. The best opening line of a memoir I've ever heard.

Tom Goss checked into the Pacquiao. It was the best of times, and my blankets were, you know, whatever. My balls were ready to burst. The house on Court Street. Go. So how I usually do it is I warm up in the bed underneath the sheets. Sure. The fact that he calls it warm up.

In the same way like a jet. You start your engines. You rev the jets. All right. You do a little taxi. You massage the jets. Now, here's the thing. I know where the story ends up, but I don't know what your normal plan is.

So I haven't heard warm up. I'm assuming the next step is you just come out the window. Tom, now I want to get into this. He's smoking a joint at a party and the cops show up and he's like, oh, shit. Oh, it's my dad. Also, usually when I'm over here, I just try not to jerk off and just pent up, just have that rage and swallow it. And then eventually. You're just four good loads away from being a genius.

In case there's a table you see that you need to throw. Shoots his cum at it and it knocks the table. This was for Stacy. Like Venom's hand. Okay, so what's your normal? You warm up in the bed. You warm up. So this is what I want to know.

Do you get into the bed turned on? Or are you on the bed and you go, all right. Actually, I'm pre-pubbing. You're like, all right, go time. Do you mean like the bed turned on, or are you on the bed, and you go, all right, I actually am pre-planned morning. You're like, all right, go time. Do you mean, like, do I plan? Like, tonight's the night. Is there a planning at all? Is that why when I come out sometimes you have a candle lit?

No. Got a real Dickensian jacksash going on. I really avoid the... Tom's listening to Bird Cloud and taking himself on a date. I really avoid jerking off here just because there's no slick way to do it. Sure.

The adjective you most commonly associate with checking off, slick. He did it real slick. Some slick penis. He comes on a comb and fixes his pompadour with it. Like a suit suit guy from the 30s. Grease light.

Goss lightning. There's the episode. Last night I was like, I just got broken up with recently. And I was dating, dating, I was dating dating apps. I was downloading dating apps that for sure did not work. Where were you also downloading dating apps? Because this is pretty funny. Oh, yeah. When I was in the

hospital, I was also... One point when I was in the hospital, I downloaded Tinder. I was like, it's like my fucking machine's beeping and I'm sweating and going, and I'm going, these girls are disgusting. And I just deleted the fucking app.

You did check into the hospital for an emergency comm extraction. Doctor, we've got to get the ropes out of this man. Yeah. They're pulling it out like a clown. I got down the rabbit hole of like, alright, I just downloaded

Find a Loose Anus. I'm going to fucking go ahead and I don't remember what it was called. One of my favorite restaurants in Chinatown. Find a Loose Anus. I'm going to fucking go ahead. I don't remember what it was called. One of my favorite restaurants in Chinatown. Find a Loose Anus. I go to Find a Loose Anus, too. It's Loose Anus, but the apostrophe hasn't worked for a long time. They haven't gotten the neon replaced. And I'm just like, I don't want to fuck anybody.

I don't want to get this. Greg Loose Anus. Sorry, you don't want to fuck anybody. I don't want to get this. Greg Lusanus. Sorry, you don't want to fuck anybody. I don't want to fuck. I don't want to just pretend to be like an online dating. I've never enjoyed this. I should just jerk off. I feel like you've met all your girlfriends in the woods.

I feel like... Most people find porn in the woods. Tom found women. Usually they chase me. I can teach you the ways of this place. Yeah, you know, when they're cornering me i'm like oh okay but typically i'm pretty i'm like even on a dating app like what do what do i say like oh i like how your legs attach to your butt like there's no good thing no fucking you just communicate with them like they're human beings i don't know them there's no joke with that premise initially so go ahead and everyone you ever thought you didn't know it's something right but i met them in person I don't know them. I disagree with that premise initially. So go ahead and continue. Me and Tom are very similar.

We don't understand. We don't know how to do this shit and we have no interest in it. And also, deep down, I don't want to. You're doing it all the time now. I mean, it makes me very sad inside. Yeah, it makes me sad too and it's also just like I don't really want this.

Before you fucking find some other deep path, just masturbate. You know? Like a man. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's always the correct answer. I would have never. This is how. Snap one off and send some emails.

I would have. Look, I spent all this time that I used to spend just texting my ex. You don't download bullshit apps. Just jerk your stupid dick off. Dude, I mean, it's the first open mic premise of all time, but it's fucking true. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you. Although I haven't really been jacking it, and I just downloaded like probably 80 gigabytes of porn and just fucking.

Porn's fine. Just fucking snapped. Just cranked one out. I did like three back to back and then today i'm just like oh my oh my my mana is gone i have watched so much porn today for that uh that thing where she yeah no i that that is the hands down the most porn i've ever watched without jerking off i know it was real weird it was real weird because we were me and tom are watching it and writing together at a certain point we both i think we're like am i a little horny all right

we gotta stop i was so focused on making fun of him. That was why I had to stop. I'm kind of getting a boner. This is weird. I knew it. Because I wasn't attracted to the woman that we're focusing on. And all the novelty scenarios are very, very just off-putting to me. Yeah, I get that. She's one of my favorites.

Oh, I found her very attractive. Anyway, so you jerked off. Whatever boner could have developed, I focused into this notepad. And it... I jerked off into my notebook. Whatever boner could have developed. More on this boner as it develops. You're doing some, like,

Tom Riddle invisible ink shit. Yeah. And you hold it up to the... You tap your wand, and it says, ooh, there's all the good jokes. So I'm all warmed up jerking it in the kitchen,

disagreeably. Whoa, whoa. Someone's in the kitchen disagreeably whoa whoa someone's in the kitchen with lotion someone's in the kitchen the kitchen slash dining room slash bathroom he's got to go blow a load sorry singing c-u-m-m-m-I-N-G My blowoutie has a first name It's C-U-M-M-I-N-G So I run to the bathroom To bust it Oh, who fucks in a pineapple

Under the sea? Tom! Tom! I'm sorry Retard squarepants though And I always do it very quietly Because I get very paranoid that Keith can hear me making noise if I move too much. Which I can't. I worry about that, too, because I can hear every conversation in the kitchen outside my room. I'm like, you guys got to know when I'm going to town on myself.

Oh, your door is closed. Yeah. I can feel happiness. I can hear conversations and walking. I can feel happiness. And that's usually... I can hear conversations and walking. I can't hear... Like, that's not a sound that's traveling through the wall. Oh, yeah, you can't hear when an alien is loose in a spaceship. I assume Tom's dick is constantly getting away from him.

He just looks like Goofy trying to, like, grab a fish with his hands, and he just caught it. Anyway, so, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I bust it, and... I bust it, makes me feel good. Yeah, yeah. I bust it and... Well, when did you bust it? I bust it, it makes me feel good. You warmed up. Yeah. Warm up in bed.

And then when I start getting closer, I'm like, not like when I'm like there, but I'm like, okay, we can make a jism. I just kind of go into the bathroom. Oh, wait, what is this wee shit where you're just like... Yeah, there was a wee... Me and my... Are you my penis in the eye? Are you my column now?

If there was still a wee, you wouldn't be jerking off in the kitchen. No, I'd be jerking off in the bathroom adjacent to where she slept. A lot of weird words and things going on there. Look at how great my vocabulary is. So I just want to be clear that I understand. So you're jerking it like 80% of the way in the bed. So you're waiting until it comes. And then pinching it off of the clothespin

and running to like the closet. Like he's doing gay porn and he's running into the next room. It's like you're making a souffle you're like, you gotta get it out of the oven I'm painting a visual. The Jets are always in town, I just need to It's always a home game It's always a home game

at the Jets stadium Yeah, so yeah, so I this is, by the way, we don't normally It's always a home game. It's always a home game. At the Jets stadium. Yeah. So, yeah. So, I fucking, this is, by the way, we don't normally talk about Jism this much this early into the show. Nothing you've said has ever been less true. No, we talk about, this is. We did this two episodes ago. You guys, this is the horny, Mean Boys Horny Summer.

Yeah. It's a horny summer series. You know, everybody's fucking. We are all in maximum fuck mode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if if and we'll find out

and then i go no ramsay told tom that he could fuck in his room while he's out of town and tom was like man thank you he's got the greatest christmas present ever it was like you know what uh i got a new car you can you can take the prius i always i always think like out of relation i'm gonna go fuck everybody and then like two weeks and i'm like, oh, I'm not fucking anybody. I'm going to write jokes. I have the same thing where I fuck three people, and I'm just like, oh, man, I don't want to. I feel bad. I'm just going to hurt you.

This new pussy isn't replacing the hole the old pussy filled. Yeah, yeah. There's three holes in that story anyway. There's a hole in the bottom of your heart. I'm on the edge of my seat here. There's a hole in the bottom of your heart. Yeah, so anyway. All right, so you're running to the bat.

This is the longest. It really is. We've got a funny, traditional picture in the hole that's next to your soul, and it's down in the bottom of your heart. We're really edging you on this story. There's a cracked memory and a song you used to like in the hole in the bottom of your heart. We're really edging you on this story. There's a cracked memory and a song you used to like in the hole in the bottom of your heart. There's a joke that seems like it's gone too far

near the riff at the bottom of the go. We're fucking, this is a good podcast. I know, I'm trying to get this story out. So the nut kabooms and it goes. Damn it, you ridiculous moron. You see why I bought him some time? We're like fucking Pippin and Jordan, dude. I knew what he was doing.

You needed 45 minutes to come up with, I did a kaboom, like a baby that just pooped. Hey, man. You know nothing of kabooming. What? You have phones down a little bit? No, I was going to say, your mic is kind of clipping a little bit. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, it's clipping a little bit.

I don't want you to. Yeah, so you come. Yeah, I blow the possibility of fertilizing an egg into the toilet, and it goes kind of everywhere. I mean, I'd say 70% are in the toilet. The rest is surrounding the toilet hole. Oh, no. Yeah, for the new listeners, Tom one time told me that he comes really far, and I was like,

okay, yeah, that's crazy. And he's like, yeah, man, I got jets. So, yeah. We call Tom's cum jets. Yeah. Tom, I have one question. Drops of Jupiter, you know. So funny, because you've never run a train.

You just jump on them. Tom, is my toothbrush okay? Because I did leave it at my toothbrush okay that was my first question i don't like my fucking toilet we're getting there yes it was all facing the toilet sure i think i have a toothbrush on the toilet the no toothbrush was struck okay okay so all brushes are in good condition. And then I look around and I'm like, oh, no, no toilet paper in here. Usually there's toilet paper in here. I should clean this up. I'm sure there's some in the little thing.

And I open the door and Connor is just standing there. He's not moving. He's standing there. I don't know how long he's been, but it felt like the way it looked, it was like, oh, he's been there the entire time. Yeah, I just needed to brush my teeth, wash my face, go to bed. And then Tom emerges looking so guilty, like he'd just taken the cookie from the cookie shop. And we're just looking at each other, and Connor's like, how are you doing, man?

I'm like, oh, I'm good. How are you doing? And he's like, oh, I'm just going to brush. He's boxing me out of the bathroom. And it's very clear that I want to go into the bathroom, and Tom is still standing in the bathroom for some reason. Yeah, it's like, I, I'm just going to brush. He's boxing me out of the bathroom. It's very clear that I want to go into the bathroom, and Tom is still standing in the bathroom for some reason. Yeah, it's like, I want to brush my teeth. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's like 20 seconds of small talk from like, yeah, just trying to brush my teeth. And then I go, here's the thing. I just kind of came all over the place. He didn't even try to smooth its way out. I was glad he didn't. Yeah, let me go get a few things. Scrub, scrub.

Lady Macbeth, out, out, damn cum. I'm not a monster. I'm not going to just be like, okay, brush away, buddy. I'm not going to... I'm just going to walk in there and it's like, you ever notice cum kind of smells like an old person's garage? You know, I'm not gonna yeah I'm so walking there it's like the ever those come kind of smells like an old person's garage yeah I'm gonna go in there like

grandpa and then Connor asked the exact same questions like is my toothbrush okay my favorite part of this story is when somebody is inevitably murdered in this house you will be implicated I did crime. That was, you just SPU'd the shit out of yourself, dude. I did a show at a Verdugo bar and I'm on stage and like,

I'm having kind of like a whatever set and everyone, and I look over and I realize there's like, just been a weird guy like just inching closer

and closer to me and I kind of saw him but I was running that set I'm doing for the TV show so I was just like, trying to just go through the beats or whatever, practicing,

not buzz, buzz, and this fucking dude is just standing there and I'm whatever, practice it and not buzz, buzz, buzz. And this fucking dude is just standing there. And I'm like, I'm about to be like, is this when I get assassinated for my podcast? We're doing an outdoor brewery show in Glassdale Park for 20 people. Is it this guy listened to Nice Boys backwards and has decided that I need to die?

Yeah, yeah. Well, guys, we're all fired up. We just talked about come for 20 minutes. Oh, yeah. Well, guys, we're all fired up. We just talked about cum for 20 minutes. Oh, 26. Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, welcome to the intro of Mean Boys. I love our show so much. Oh, me too, you dumb sluts.

Let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Biggity-bam. Ay, so tópico. Do-do-do-do-do-do. All right. What's up? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll take it away.

We got a few vapes in rotation. I'll take it away. We got a few vapes in rotation. I'll take it away this week. A woman hung herself in the parking lot of a Walmart. Said one employee, quote, this is not what I meant when I told her to use the self-checkout. Damn, bruh. Man, that lady's super dead. All right. These are all ones that I have left over from the Hampton Yacht episode.

Oh, yeah. I did pretty bad on that one, so everyone knows. We're in for a motherfucking treat, my dudes. We love you, Connor. If only I could feel the same way about myself. The Supreme Court has lifted a ban on sports betting. In response, the Native American community said, come on, man, we had like one thing left.

Who the fuck, dude? A McDonald's customer is... Take two. A McDonald's customer is... Take two. A McDonald's customer... I was like, is this an Indian guy? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. A McDonald's customer is saying an employee tried to kill them by putting a bleach pod in their drink. This is the closest a McDonald's employee has ever gotten to cleaning the bathroom.

Why does your bathroom always smell like very... That was like a Jay Leno joke. Yeah. Smell like what? Very specific, digested, shit-out chicken nuggets. It's always a place where they sell chicken nuggets. Yeah, well, Tom, it smells like someone pressed the ejector seat on the french fries in your butt it came out a little parachute about a mcdonald's bathroom that i just noticed is they never have mirrors because nobody eats at mcdonald's

like how do i look yeah and it's like oh my skin looks like the bag just greasy oh dude when i fucking kind of see through it when i eat fast, I just feel it just come out of my fucking pores. You could drive a truck through my goddamn pores. I got the biggest fucking pores. I've been blackhead, whitehead city, blackhead city, fucking all that shit. Black city. Dude, I just feel it.

Every time I have a vested interest in looking nice, my face just goes, all right, you're 17 again. See, I don't get them on my face. If I eat fast food i'll just feel like a cyst on my back it's the worst fucking feeling on the planet oh dude you ever have a girl try to fucking take care of your back knee and you're like i'm not ready to be 45 yet babe yeah yeah that was the porn i was watching before i came in the bathroom so what cares about my back he popped and then i popped. There's a zit on my back and nobody detracts.

There's a hole in the bottom of my heart. I never get anything like that. I did have a moment before I went in the hospital where I ate Raising Cane's too quickly and then threw it up immediately. You know, like how a dog might. You know, like there's a free t-shirt at stake. You have one to you my favorite one of my favorite things you've ever done tom and it's a tough bracket is you needed a shirt so you ate those wings to get

you added a wing challenge out of necessity with your peewee Herman. It's $3 to go to Goodwill. You don't know the story. I was low on shirts. Like it's toilet paper or gas. My friends brought me to Buffalo Wild Wings. I had about $6, which is not enough for a shirt. Yes, it is. Yes, $6 is absolutely enough for a shirt.

You don't own a shirt that costs more than $6. It's like $6, $8. You don't own anything that costs more than $6 is absolutely enough for a shirt. You don't own a shirt that costs more than $6. It's like $6, $8. You don't own anything that costs more than $6. I was very, very broke, and my friends take me to Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't have any money. And they're like, well, it's whatever. And then I saw, oh, if you do the Blazing Challenge in Wynn, you get a free T-shirt. And I asked, like, you guys still have the free T-shirts?

I get a free T-shirt if I beat the Blazing Challenge? They're like, yeah. And so I take the Blazing Challenge. It hurts. Delicious, but it hurts yeah and as i'm halfway through the lady comes and goes uh by the way we don't have any more shirts and i always started weeping as i finished the wings because then i finished on the principle of at least i get a coupon for six more free wings next time i'm here so the next time i'm there someone asks like oh have you done the blazing challenge i'm like yeah yeah. And I had zero

money at this point. He goes, well, I'll buy your Blazing Challenge if you do it. And I'm like, okay. Deal. Let me make sure they have shirts this time. He's been burned before. And I say, yeah, we got shirts.

And then the same exact thing happened. They're like, yeah, we don't have any more shirts. Whoa. So I got fucked twice. I did get a headband, though. I got a headband. You got a headband? I just wear it around my chest.

You're a maniac. You got a headband? Maniac. Full of queen. So I'm probably the only person in the world to beat the blazing challenge twice for one shirt that I never got. I love that you got a headband and you lost six pairs of underwear. I like the idea of you finally getting the shirt and then immediately touching it

and just getting huge red handprints on it. Tom, that's literally the funniest story I've ever heard. It's so good. It might be the most crystallized Tom moment. Do you understand that knowing you basically means I get to be best friends with Paul Bunyan?

It has everything you want in a Tom story, which is like pain, avoidable suffering, Tom being kind of dumb, poverty. How was I dumb at this point? You had $6, needed a shirt, and you responded better look into the Buffalo Wild Wings. I got food, too.

You could have had both. I can't eat my shirt if I go to Goodwill. I feel like that's what happened to the last shirt. That's what happens when you lose a bet in the 20s. All right, I'll eat my shirt. You still have not proven conclusive to me that you're not a goat. There was another point of the Buffalo Wild Wings where I had $3. There was $2 celery sticks.

Bought them. I was going to tip at the last dollar. And then a blind uh deaf mute man walks over with a sign and asks for money and i just give him the three dollars and he walks away he's in the buffalo wild we were outside and he just walked by and went like this and i was like ah and i just gave him the money and then i had to ask my friends from i gave him a hundred percent of all the money i had and then i just couldn't pay for my food so i had to ask my friends for... I gave him 100% of all the money I had and then I just couldn't pay for my

food, so I had to borrow money. I would just kill that guy if I saw him. A bus will. He's blind and deaf. What was he living for? Blind and deaf. He also might have been lying, which I try not to think about because that bums me out because I would have really liked

to pay for that myself. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Well, he's blind, deaf, and dumb, and Tom's like, how are you blind and deaf? Because you're dumb. No, I got it. It was very smart. Ramsey, you got one? No, no, no, I don't. Alright, cool. A passenger on a Frontier

Airlines flight punched a pregnant woman in the stomach. Ha! Boy, way to put the carry-on in. Miss carry-on on an airplane. Damn. Rack him. And I want to point out, too, I had to trim some details just to make that joke work. She was also deaf. And she had a service

dog, and the guy punched the dog first, then punched the pregnant woman in the stomach. My proudest moment in comedy that came before I ever even held a microphone. I made my buddy Brandon laugh so hard he threw up on his deaf cat that didn't know there was a kerfuffle going on. I was just shitting on him until he puked, and he puked on this fucking dumbass deaf cat.

It was so good. The WHO is calling for an end to trans fats in five years. In response to the news, Keith Carey is listening to the David Bowie song of the same name while taking a cheesesteak out in a bittersweet last date. You're just like, you're like a Ferris wheel with a hoagie. Just like walking by the beach, you know. I got it, I love that sandwich.

You're sitting in the back of a cab, just like about to get out, and you're like, just let the meter run. Me finger popping a BLT. Is that one of your sandwiches a choice if we push that on you? Which one? Hoagies. I have no particular affinity for the Hoagie.

I don't know. What's the difference between a Hoagie and a Sub? I think it's a regional thing. I think it's like a soda pop type deal. Got it. Okay. I'm more of a pop guy. Yeah?

Yeah. My dad's great. I'm terrible. Sometimes I just know I'm going to get something, so that's why I get... I think some people go, why do you engage? I go, I know what's coming. There's now proof Hitler died in Berlin in 1945. Killing all popular rumors, he escaped a Californian stepfather to a young boy named Keith Carey.

Come on! That joke's on him, not you. Yeah. That darn Hitler. Hitler. Hitler, you so crazy. Was, this I do. Damn, Hitler.

If anything, you escaped the camp just as well as anyone else did. Tight, tight. In this house, we listen to Pennywise. And we hit the backs A new study claims A new study claims I hope he's trying to sleep I know Don't worry we're just going to yell about Hitler

For 45 minutes Your Hitler turned into Skeletor at some point. Hey, Hitler, I heard you had a date last night. Was she cute? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, how hot? Nine. Boo.

A new study claims that U.S. birth rates are at an all-time low. The NRA is praising this bold, common-sense approach to ending school shootings. We getting children of men, dog. Damn, straight up. You know what I think is to blame? The Taco Bell menu, I think. There's no way that gorditas are not being used to make us too unattractive and tired to play.

See, no one's craving Raising Cane's. Men are becoming women. Doritos are becoming tacos. The rules are all different. I got a new vape, and Keith said, yeah, keep smoking out becoming tacos. Doritos are all different. I got a new vape and Keith said, keep smoking out of your future Dorito. Future Dorito? Yeah, you can, dude.

You're about to beam yourself up to Riverside. It's a really, really, really cool ranch. That was good, man. Grassy. The guy's not named Scotty. Spider! It's Ska-T.

Is Riverside a Ska town? Just anywhere not L.A. is vaguely Ska, Jason. I never spent much time in Riverside. I live there. I always forget Chino is not Riverside. Riverside was too nice for me. I'd be in Rialto. Growing up in Orange County, the Inland Empire just, like, the dark woods on a map

of, like, the Lord of the Rings. Yeah, yeah. You must never go where the light hits 605. I live there. I don't think they're really into ska out there. It's more like

the sounds of meth. No, yeah. You're definitely more of, like, a tool and, like, Slipknot kind of vibe. Right. Which makes sense

since Ozark. Ska was us. Yeah, Orange County. You know how there's, like, night elves and blood elves? I feel like there's, like, the surf bro and then there's the IE truck bro, you know? Yeah. Orange County. You know how there's like night elves and blood elves? I feel like there's like the surf bro, and then there's the IE truck bro. Yeah.

Orange County is like the beach kind of shortsy, in shape bro. Then we've got just the kind of doughy gas station bro. The ocean bro versus this desert bro. Exactly, yeah. Chris is strong. The bros of the land. We were talking about this yesterday that when you drive up like- Seven rings.

Central California, you'll see like choloolo Bros, which is like a funny thing. And that's like an Inland Empire thing too. Oh, dude. Cholo Bros. My fucking people, man. Cholo Bros. That is Conor McSpan's audience, a thousand percent. You want to know why I'm not a very sophisticated comedian?

It's because I cut my teeth performing for people with the vocabulary of like a toucan that's nosy. You tried so hard not to say Tom. A nosy toucan. Oh, no. I wasn't even thinking that. But yeah, yeah. Anyway, guys, a woman accused of producing child pornography revealed to the judge that she was pregnant.

In light of the news, she's been forbidden from getting an ultrasound. She was a line producer at most. I mean, she was barely in there. Yeah, just credit and copy stuff, you know. Doing a lot of student films, trying to get it real together. Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm really just working craft services for child porn right now. By the way, all the things I've just said are just things I've heard actors say. Juice Box is also the name of the production.

Yeah, I got a commercial audition I was supposed to go to today, and I looked at it, and I was like, Oh, yeah, no, that's right. I got to go do this porn thing when the callback is, so I shouldn't even go anyway. A woman threatened McDonald's employees with a gun when she didn't get her fries quick enough. Authorities have detained criminal Hamburglar Perez. That is the least amount of work you could have done to get to a Hamburglar. You were just like, I don't know. The Hamburglar is Puerto Rican.

I'm calling it a day. Well, no. Her last name was actually Perez. I didn't read the article, Tom. Yeah, but it still is pretty bad. It's a fun little Easter egg for the people that read that news story. I have no idea why, but all I heard is Hamburglar Perez. It's like Raspberry Beret.

Like the kind you find Stealing your milkshake Well I thought about Going Grimace route I was like No keep it simple You can't do a story About a criminal In a McDonald's

And not You can't implicate The Grimace Just cause he's purple Like that's racist Yeah yeah yeah Dude would you fuck Mary McCheese

Okay Yeah in a heartbeat Yeah Right between Wait is that the lady bird Steamy patties No you Right between the buns

That would be Titty fucking him. Yeah. No, his head is... No, it would be throat fucking him. You'd be throat fucking him, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It'd be hot.

Has anyone ever tried scrote fucking where you fuck a guy's balls? Yes. Sounds like someone in this room maybe. Maybe it's Keith's Tuesdays. Yeah. It's a thing. I don't get it. Yeah, yeah.

That's what a hoagie is in the gay community, right? It's like putting a sweater. No, I'm a hoagie in the gay community. He's a fucking Hulk hoagie, dude. He just rips his shirt off via chicken nuggets over time. All right. Who's turn? Oh, is it my turn?

It's your turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. A father whose teen son died in a car crash took his late son's girlfriend to prom. That's adorable, said a bunch of people who weren't that girl's dad. Like, what is the pitch for that? Like, I know what my son would have worn. Just like, hey, have you ever wanted to be un-upworthy?

Whenever I see these stories, I'm just like, all right. So you fucking, you just wanted to be a Facebook thing for a day, you know? I just think maybe the guy had, like, pure intentions. I'm sure he did. I genuinely believe he's good. I'm sure he did. But you're putting yourself in a bad situation. This girl, her boyfriend just died in a car crash.

She's hormonal. She's emotional. It's prom. She's going to try to fuck Dylan's dad. Yeah. Like, I 100% believe that's going to happen. He kind of looks like him, all right? He has a car, you know?

It's the same car that Dylan would drive on the weekends. He has a job. He had good grades, but right, he has a car, you know. It's the same car that Dylan would drive on the weekends. He has a job. He had good grades, but. You can wreck a home. I want to meet the person whose job it is to just, like,

go through Facebook and find these, like, small town fucking, like, this teacher bought supplies with a car wash where they were the guardians of the galaxy

and just fucking write up the little you won't believe and then the soccer mom squee! Like, the guy who does that all day must hate humanity more than any. I'm just imagining the dad

and the girl hooking up. The dad is starting to weep and just goes, yeah, you fuck just like Dylan. Dylan is definitely the name of the guy who dies in high school. Yeah, absolutely. Dylan gets a full page spread in the guy who dies in high school. Yeah, absolutely. Dylan gets a full page spread in the yearbook. Yeah, yeah.

Dead teen name. I knew a guy named Kyle Dylan who died on an ATV. Oh, from the Star Wars. Yeah, he fucking tanked and split his fucking... Wait, and then he just choked to death on his chain wallet? That's the most groovy way to die. You think an ATV was from Star Wars? No, he said, what was his name again?

Kylo Dylan? I was trying to make a Kylo Ren joke. I thought you thought an ATV was an AT-ST, implying that some shithead OC bro fell out of a chicken walker trying to kill rebels. No, there's a fucking, there's a Catholic prayer candle next to a dune in Glamis somewhere. Dude, he was in Glamis. Dude, all the fucking guys, all the Glamis guys, that's a big thing where I'm from. Glamis sounds like the technical name for part of your dick.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the seam. That's the part that makes all the sticky shit in the Glamis. But yeah, they'd be like, dude, yeah, fucking go to Glamis. All right, your dad lets you have a beer if you got a D in chemistry. Bro, you're going to slam him at Glamis, dude. And then you ride bikes. Fucking God damn it.

And then the Anna woman gave her husband a lethal dose of drugs, then served his remains at a barbecue. I mean, I've heard of getting toasted, but this is ridiculous. Kill yourself. Self-checkout, my friend. Boop. Oh, do I slide or do I insert? I don't know I'm holding a knife to my wrist

Yeah, I keep putting my soul in the bagging area Donald Trump Jr. has given a puppy to his child for their birthday No news yet on when they'll slit its throat and drink its blood Happy Rectus Dominus, everybody What is Rectus Dominus? everybody. Why is it Rectus Dominus? And then Satan shit. Oh. And the vase.

That sounds like some shit that would be online. It was a bad joke, and I tried to sell it, and it did not work. Man, I want there to be a satanic pizza place called Rectus Dominus. That's what I thought it was. You guys don't know about the Rectus Dominus? Rectus Dominus. Extra sausage costs more. Rectus Dominus. Extra sausage costs more. Rectus Dominus.

Rectus Dominus sounds like he'd be fucking friends with Courage the Cowardly Dog or some shit. Did you three take like a fucking musical improv class on this guy? You guys have been singing a lot in this episode. Stuff the crust with sin. There's a cunt in the chair and he's vaping in the air and his name is a fucking stupid... I don't know. Let me hit that... Okay. Hot and ready to your

door in 666 minutes or it's free. Did I ever tell you about the comic that was trying to get me to help him with his Little Caesars pizza joke? He was just like, alright, Connor, you're a really good writer. Could you help me out with this? And I'm like, 20 at the time. And he's like, yeah, so I'm like, okay, so the joke is like, I'm like, 20 at the time. And he's like, yeah, so I'm like,

okay, so the joke is like, I'm just driving behind a little Caesars truck, like jerking off. And I'm like, and? And he's like, no,

because they're hot and ready. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, and I'm thinking about hot and ready girls. And I was like, I think it's already great. I was just like, that's so good.

Yeah. Man, you crazy, Brad, for that one. That was almost as good as that last joke I did. Hey, Tom, neither of us are doing great. Hey, we failed together. I like to think it's because we were too cool to try. Yeah. Well, I still believe in effort, and now watch me bomb this one.

Trying is what gay people do. It's one of their favorite things. This is my least favorite version of you. The Harvey Milk. I was always changing things. We're still friends, Keith. Yeah, Keith, trying is what half of you does. Hasbro has officially copyrighted the smell of Play-Doh.

In related news, the Mean Boys have filed for legal ownership of the smell of that dead bird Tom dragged in the house. I just pictured Tom dragging a bird in the house. The chicken just picture Tom, like, dragging a bird in the house. The chicken breast? No, just you dragging a bird in the house in your mouth. He thought he got us a present. Like a cat who wants to show us something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what was wrong with that joke. Okay, thanks, coach. Thanks, guy who didn't write one. Well, to be fair, I had to study more headphones. You need to, like, Ramsey's headphones look truly ridiculous. Those better have been free. They're like gamer headphones, and you look like you guys know those pornos. You look like you're going to use that microphone to call yourself a faggot over Xbox Live.

You guys know those pornos where the girl's into games, and then a guy comes in. He looks like the little brother they kick out before they start fucking. You guys think I'm kidding. I truly took these from work because I had a Skype meeting with a Japanese businessman named Masaki. His name was Masaki Hiroshima or something. It wasn't. I will pull up his name right now. You're thinking of Nagasaki Hiroshima, and that was a different thing.

You also probably should not read a high-powered Japanese businessman's name on the show. Can you actually blur out Hiroshima? Yeah, I'm on it. Yeah, Ramsey, no. Here's the thing the show. Can you actually blur out his genitals? Yeah, I'm on it. Yeah, Ramsey, no. Here's the thing. I totally believe you. I know that guy. Terrible guy.

I'm with you. That's a you problem. If you have any issues, you can run it by those cops in the south that are after you. Oh, boy. Yeah, okay. We'll get to that later. I'll bleep it out. They're trying to fucking chase me down and get me to rejoin again, and it's a fucking problem.

Who is? Oh, the Buddhist people. Really quickly, before you go there, I just want to say the only issue I had with that joke. Son of a bitch. There was a point, no, one, you said it. There is a point where I had to go, oh, did Tom bring a bird in the house once? Like, I turned to Tom to be like, tell us a story. You know what's so funny? As soon as I wrote it, I was like, I bet they're going to just be like tell us a story you know what's so funny as soon as i wrote it i was like i bet they're gonna just be like i didn't even know this story that was the

problem i'm telling you if it was anybody else it wasn't that good of a joke sure sure but there was that part of me that was like well now now to tom with the story of when he brought the bird more than 11 gosh uh kansas university cheerleaders say they were stripped naked and called ugly during a hazing ritual. They're currently suing the school, but the defense isn't worrying, saying, you know, those bitches don't have an alibi. Those are UGLY guys. I got it. A paralyzed...

You're part of the LB UGLY community. Tom, that made it sound like there was a monster walking towards us. Just expel the Rectus Dominus, baby. A paralyzed Georgetown linebacker walked across the stage for graduation. The crowd gave a standing ovation and thunderous applause for that fucking faker. Oh, yeah, dude. Never mind. I told the story of the girl that had a seizure.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. I really liked that joke. I thought it was going to bomb for a second. No, it was a fun one. It was a builder. Well, I mean, we just had 45 minutes of straight fire, dude, so it's tough.

Yeah. It's hard to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, this app has been hot and ready, dude. So it's tough. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This app has been hot and ready. Yeah. I know.

I'm jerking off right now. I'm eating pizza. I'm getting myself all warmed up. I got to go take a bathroom break. I want raisin canes right now. I got to go blow on Ramsey's toothbrush. Hey, I'm the load guy. We all got loads.

Hey, we can share our loads. Guys. That's what I've been saying. Connor's like, I'm straight. So fucking whatever. Nothing would be funnier than if we put all of our jizz in like a mixer up or something. You know, we do a three-part model. And then put it in a lady and just see what happens.

That's what I thought that baking grease was for a long time. It's just some vague goop. Connor was saving loads. Well, yeah, no. Then I found out Keith was just putting bacon grease down the sink. And I was like, wait, you didn't know you weren't supposed to do that? And he just goes, no, I knew. No, I knew.

I just made no efforts to do better. You didn't know. My house, growing up, we never ate bacon. Well, yeah. You know where I came from. We only had a sink sometimes. I'm sorry. I don't know. Total bacon etiquette it was just no i know i was so confused when i first saw you guys just just weird ajax jars of fucking bacon i was like do you guys think this is soap what is going

on we're gonna make another you if anything happens yeah i just i'd never i didn't grow up eating bacon my my my siblings are vegan and my parents fucking don't really eat meat and i've i've been vegetarian for most of my life so just like what the fuck are these gross gloopy like it looked like every jar of it looks like the beginning credits to american horror story where they have those random jars of body fluid all right it's gross to me but i'm glad it's not in the sink well you guys the mean boys Boys podcast will be right back right after this. Hey, everybody. It's Connor, and I wanted to talk to you guys about the Starkey Hearing Foundation.

Starkey Hearing Foundation is a group that provides hearing aids and hearing-related health care to poor and disenfranchised communities around the world. And hearing issues affect about 5% of the world's population, which is like 328 million adults, 32 million children, and it has the greatest prevalence in low- and middle-income populations. Now, hearing loss doesn't just affect the person suffering from it, but it also affects their family, their community, and that is something that I've experienced in my personal life. Some of my family members have hearing issues, and I know that it's hard to cover that shit. I remember growing personal life. Some of my family members have hearing issues, and I know that it's hard to cover that shit.

I remember growing up, and one of my family members, like, hearing aids got eaten by a dog, and it was right around Christmas time, and it fucked up the whole goddamn Christmas, you know. And what Starkey Hearing Foundation is trying to do is just provide hearing aids and hearing-related health care to a bunch of people in over 100 countries and, you know, kind of help them live life a little bit easier. They were founded in 1984, and they just give people free hearing shit. It's pretty much that simple.

It's almost over a million, at this point, patients worldwide, and they go everywhere. All right? You thought the Mean Boys tour was cool because we went to fucking Wisconsin. These people are going to Afghanistan, Cambodia, Canada. I guess there's poor people in Canada. I'm just learning about that. The Democratic Republic of the Congo. I got to imagine it's kind of hard to get health care there just based on how many different things that imply democracy.

That usually means it's more corrupt. It's the people's democratic republic of freedom and something, something, a shitty island run by a guy with an evil hat. I don't know anything about geography. El Salvador, India, Nicaragua, Peru, Vietnam. The list goes on, ladies and gentlemen. Starkey Hearing Foundation is a 501c3 public charity donations are taxed but deductible uh to the fullest extent allowable by the law i like i think i don't think that's in the usual read copy i think they included that just for the mean boys because they're like no we know you guys are going to try to try to do some real michael cohen accounting on this shit if we let you just have free reign so you got to say to the fullest extent allowable by the law

which is kind of anonymous thing an ominous thing to add the fullest extent allowable by law uh it sounds like some shit that like bruce willis would say before he shot somebody in a movie and uh like i said they're rated four four stars by charity navigator uh that's the highest score that you can achieve unless you take ap charity classes and the GPA goes up one. You can get like a 4.7 if you're trying to get into Harvard. That's not true. They're the highest. They get it.

So this month, Starkey Hearing Foundation and Audioboom are launching the Listen In campaign, and they're asking Mean Boys and our listeners to help them reach their $25,000 fundraising goal. Now, funds from the Listen In campaign will support the next round of global outreach. And you, that's right you I'm doing Bill Burr voice because I'm bad at solo podcasting, can help Starkey Hearing Foundation reach their $25,000 goal by donating to the Listen

In campaign today, ladies and gentlemen. To give the gift of hearing, go into listenincampaign.org and for most of our listeners, that is L-I-S-T-E-N-I-N-C-A-M-P-A-I-G-N dot, that's a period, O-R-G. Now go to listeningcampaign.org and give the gift of hearing today. Change of life, you know? You think the audio on this show is bad? Try the audio on being deaf.

It's not great. Okay. Seriously, they're really cool. Go help them out. The Mean Voice Podcast, as always, is sponsored by Studio Headphones. Premium audio listening products for your enjoyment. Comfortably designed, stylishly made. For your ears.

Yeah, specifically for your ears. That's where they go. Yeah. And we're wearing the Regents right now. That's the premium on-ear model. Very comfortable. You can wear them around all day without getting that headphone ear cr ear cramp fatigue i don't know that the cord is magical it's got a flat like flat auxiliary cord that never i've never once been able to tangle it despite my best efforts yeah if you're not a

cord guy it's got hours and hours of bluetooth life on one charge battery lasts forever dude it does and you know what you use your headphones every day uh make a little investment in yourself treat yourself to something that you're going to use all the time and uh you know what? You use your headphones every day. Make a little investment in yourself. Treat yourself to something that you're going to use all the time. And just watch your quality of life improve a little bit. You're worth it. And the best part of all is that you get 15% off if you go to the website studiosweden.com and use promo code MEANBOYS. That is studiosweden.com, promo code MEANBOYS.

Whoa. We have our own promo code. Use that to buy these headphones. Thanks, Tom. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California.

Whoa. Somehow. Yeah, guys. You know, because, I mean, if you weren't, if you were on the fence about going to Don Carlos for the first 118 ad reads,

maybe 119, we bring up something like, whoa, I didn't know they had a website where I could look at their menu. Wait, you mean eataborito.com? Yeah, yeah. Menu availability? They have, oh my goodness, mojitas? What?

What? I don't even know if they have those. They probably do. Horchata? Yeah. I definitely have that because I just got it recently. Yeah, they have the burritos where they put the fries in the burritos and they're curly fries. It makes them crispy and it tastes fucking dope. Yeah, yeah. Wait,ritos where they put the fries in the burritos, and they're curly fries that make them crispy, and it tastes fucking dope.

Yeah, yeah, so. Wait, is curly fries? Crinkle. Yeah, they don't do that. It's crinkle fries. You could have said any fact about a burrito. You found the one thing they don't do. It's crinkle cut fries.

Crinkle is, yeah, that's what I meant. It's the Cali-style burritos with the fries in there. There really is not a better one in the world. If you're in the San Diego area, go check them out. The Red Cross is here from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Go to eataborrito.com. Find out everything they got on the menu and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. Yeah.

Yeah. Crinkle cut. Quang. Oh, what's up? You mark-ass bitches. The Mean Boys podcast is back. How do I fix that? Tom had a rough vape hit.

He's getting, he's a little. Oh, circles. He's a little choked up. Ramsey's blowing vape rings right now. You guys are like, you make soup. What?'s blowing vapes right now. You make soup. What? Alphabet soup. What?

You fucking moron. He can't blow out a letter A. That'd be so cool if you could vape the alphabet. Dude, if you could vape the alphabet, you'd become the number one Instagram star of 2018. He's vaping. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, yes!

Yes! Back to this again! Oh, God, every fucking week! Always! Never far! Oh, yeah! Well, you know, guys, it's not often we have the big-ass Ram Dog in the studio,

and we had such a long... Big ass! Yeah, fucking, yeah. Bart himself! Yeah, we had so many fucking questions, we thought we'd just do a fat-ass mailbag. It's a mean-forced mailbag. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog? It's a motherfucking mean-forced mailbag. Let's get back and enjoy ourselves. Part of the reason I'm excited about this is one is Ramsey-specific, and you've told us this story, but I feel like the listening audience needs to know. So somebody asked – let me find out who it was.

Robert A. Logan asked, has Ramsey ever regretted taking things too far with Now Is Not The Time? I have never regretted taking anything too far, but things have gotten too far. Yeah. Can you tell what happened? Okay. So I'm driving home the other day, and I get a phone call. And I pick up the phone, and it's a weird area code. And somebody picks up.

666. The area code is like 1367 something. And I pick up. Hi, this is Rectus Domino's. Would you like to try the new pig's blood pizza sauce? No? Okay, what can I do for you? So I pick up, and the guy goes, Hi, my name is Sheriff something Gonzalez.

My badge number is 566. My name is Sheriff Hamburglar Perez. This is Mary McCheese. Would you like to fuck me? Yeah, I'm basically the Joe Arpaio of toilet whiskey. I'm calling you today. So the guy calls me and he goes, just real quick, I'm going to give you an opportunity. I'm a police officer from the city of Port of La Cava, Texas.

I'm going to give you an opportunity to go ahead and Google the phone number just to verify me. So I said, okay, hang on. And I Googled the phone number and it was him. And so I immediately go, okay, what's up? And he goes, we recently apprehended a prostitute. And it appears that you have been text messaging back and forth with her. And we have questions for you. And I didn't know. I was just like, um, and I just hung up the phone. and we have questions for you.

And I didn't know. I was just like, um, and I just hung up the phone. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Because at this point, I'm in shock. I'm like, I don't know what's going on. And then I think, and I remember, I go, oh, there was definitely a point when I was doing the West Dank that I was trying to get a prostitute to sign on. Yeah, yeah, where Ramsey was going to broker Middle Eastern peace between Israel and Palestine

with an interracial porn. Yes, yes. And I realized in that moment, I'll go, oh, shoot, okay, so that's what's happening. So I call an attorney and I say the worst sentence I've ever said in my life. I say, hi, I am an internet prankster. I'm a rabble-rouser of note. And I may have gotten myself into trouble, and the

attorney goes, now, fuck that guy. He goes, fuck that police. Let me tell you right now, these fucking guys. And this is how you know a cop is good, or an attorney's good. Your attorney, a cartoon rat. Your attorney, you on the other line wearing a mustache, doing another bit for a different podcast.

He goes, these fucking attorneys. What they're trying to do is they're trying to get you to fess up. They do this all the time. They catch somebody. They try to get everybody to fess up. And he goes, you call my cop right now. You tell him to go fuck himself and never call you again. And I go, I know you're a good attorney based on how much you hate police that is the standard for how good of an attorney you are absolutely he's like next time you see that cop you spit in his

fucking throat it's in your third amendment whoa did he really say that no he didn't he's just like those he's one of those guys your third amendment says you can just walk up to a cop and stick a needle in his fucking urethra. He can't say anything to you. Yeah. So I called the cop back and I go, if you would like to speak to me. We report to these nuts. I'm more than happy to cooperate with you. I would like you to call my attorney.

He's going to handle everything. And I gave him a phone number to a Google voice number that I control. And we are waiting for that to pay off right now. But I think it will. Sheriff Buttfuck's about to call the vape rights lawyer. He's about to call Estrada Estrada and Jimenez. What was that? I think that's what it was.

It was the three Mexicans you know. Yeah. I mean, you mean two, but you said one of them twice. Yeah, exactly. He knows Chris really well. So that's going to be fun. That's the only time it's ever gone a little bit too far, but I don't regret it at all. I'm very excited.

I mean, that's just so good. We've talked about really taking this. There's also a Mean Boys where we did someone did a news story about a French prankster, and you're like, fuck off with your prankster. And now you had to identify as a prankster. I am now an internet prankster. I like the idea that somewhere there's a Megan's Law database but for just pranksters.

That was the old show. The other man is a level three goofball. My old podcast where I talked about the French prankster. Oh, it was Don't Think Tank. Don't Think Tank. Okay, yeah, yeah. I couldn't even remember the name of my old podcast. I was the producer of Don't Think Tank. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't even remember the name of my old podcast. I was the producer of Don't Think Tank.

I'm a little offended. All right. If you guys had to get fucked by a fictional race, which one would it be and why? Black. El Salvadorian. I've never seen one in real life. Well, no. Yeah.

My buddy, we had an El Salvadorian kid on our street named Armando. And, of course, all my neighbors would call him Arbindo, which is really- Not even good. Not even good. Yeah. And he'd say his parents would say I was out of the door and they'd be like outside the door. Like they were just that was their whole bit was just like, I'm from outside the door.

Like it was not even good. I mean, that's better than Arbindo. That's the kind of shit that led my dad to punch a 17 year old one time because my mom would call out for us. She'd be like, Ramsey, come here. And they'd be like, Ramsey, come here. And they'd be like, Ramsey, come here. And my dad saw this guy, and he was like, this guy was tall. He was like 6'1", or 5'8".

We're not sure. Yeah, and all of your dad's exercise is like praying and hitting your mom. Exactly. So my dad punches the guy out, and then the police come and arrest my dad while I was watching Toy Story 2. To answer the question that you guys are thinking of right now, I have not seen Toy Story 3 since. Because I am worried. And I literally, like, my dad literally, I swear to God, I don't think he knew it was illegal to hit a minor. I don't think he knew.

I'm just picturing you trying to watch Toy Story 3. You hear a ruckus from outside. You open the blinds and in the street your dad is just beating a seven-year-old with a chain the best story about your dad is about the fucking when he worked with that gay guy yes when my dad my dad worked uh he opened he had a wood shop and uh he it was he said he worked with this gentleman who just fucking knew how to make an ikea piece of furniture look incredible like he said he could just make it look like it was 400 years old this guy was so amazing my dad goes to his house in west hollywood uh my dad is not familiar with the area of west hollywood knocks on the door the guy opens up and he's now this is i'm gonna tell you the story as my father right now my dad goes says there's a guy. He opens the door. He's dressed as a woman.

I said, what is this? You guys, is this a joke? What is this? And the guy goes, no, I'm actually a transvestite. And my dad said he backed up. He dropped the check. And he never talked to that guy again. Just driving slowly, silently backwards.

He lost so much money. Yeah, he literally lost all of his money for that principle. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. Hey, just wanted to ask, what was your experience like in Philadelphia? It was great. Yeah, Philly ripped. I liked Philly.

I mean, the episode sounded shitty because I had to do it with an ironing board, but other than that, if fictional race, back to that. I guess I go elf because i feel like they got slender penises philly philly oh no why am i why is it a dude if i'm fucking but i think every sex thing has to be gay because it's funnier can we can we name can we narrow it down in like four races because i don't know that let's go lord of the rings races yeah yeah dwarves hobbits oh hobbits are basically. Hobbits got ass.

Yeah. Opie fucked a midget. All right. There would be a three-hour Joe Rogan mean voice. So I was at the cop store earlier. Yeah, I dribbled her like a globetrotter. And fucking my old roommate, the old place I lived. Bob Shee's real small.

Go ahead, Tom. The old place you lived had 42 roommates. Yeah. Brad. No no no The guy who owned the place When I left there When I found

I came home And he was sleeping in my bed And he just He was there You know who I'm talking about Yep I do Yeah and I He's a nice enough guy

But he slept in my bed And I had enough And then And then you heard this music I don't know But it's Yeah I did Yo Like For real though Like midget pussy is swank.

Yo, when you get into it, it's just tiny spaghetti. I fucking seized that pussy. So, anyway, he's talking to me, and I'm like, I like talking to him sometimes, but I was just not in the mood. And fucking Brett. He's making the story bounce along. I like it. And we've been. This is like the story bounce along. I like it. And Wee Man. This is like the worst Woody Allen movie I've ever seen.

We have to play this every time Tom talks. And Wee Man just shows up. Out of nowhere. Oh, what? Yeah, Wee Man's there. And then Brad. Oh, Wee Man's chronic talking? And Wee Man.

This really works. This sounds great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brad just starts fucking talking to Wee Man. and we've had Brad this really works this sounds great Brad so we've been fucking talking to Wee Man and part of me like Wee Man

keeps making eye contact with me like can you I don't want to talk to him and part of me is like I can hang out and talk to Wee Man

or I could just get rid of Brad by passing him along by this very famous celebrity so I just threw him and I walked away Wee Man looked

pretty upset. I used to live in that house with Tom. There was 17. Wait, hold up, Ramsey. I got to pull up your story music. Fun fact, Wee Man is actually just three smaller midgets inside of a costume. Wee and Tom both used to live in that house together. How many people lived there?

I think the lowest I ever got was like 15. I think the highest was over 20, but I don't think you were there for that. Yeah. All right, so begin your story. I'm sorry. Tom and I lived in a... We lived in what used to be

Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Oh, yeah. Who's Oliver Hardy? From Laurel and Hardy? Oh, I thought it was one of the Hardy brothers, the wrestling duo. That's also possible. Sorry, guys.

Ramsey's talking. So we... Camo. brothers, the wrestling duo. That's also possible. Sorry, guys. Ramsey's talking. So, we... Cam, we had... Ramsey's talking and you all said Homeland's back on. We had a roommate. The reason why I moved out is because we had this roommate. His name was Jordan. And Jordan

at 1 a.m. Not the country. Not the country. At 1 a.m. at night would just start punching the wall, being like, I fucking loved her, man! Why'd she say no? He's like, punching the wall. He would literally come into my room and be like, I'm from fucking Oakland! What's up?

See, I was never there for that. Me and Jordan always got along. Domestic abuse went pretty well with the Arab music. It fit pretty good. Here's the thing. Preemptively, I'm not going to tell a story because I saw what the next thing you pulled up was. You fucking bitch. This was also the same time you fucking hacked shit.

Keith, just tell us a quick story. Okay, once upon a time, Connor was a hack bitch. And he was like, oh, I'll pull up a Weird Al song to mock my friend. You know, like an edgy 11-year-old Mormon. What's the song? You fucking gay lord. It's Fat by Weird Al. Yeah. It's a pretty good bit, dude. Man, it's so good.

Tweet at me if you liked the bit. I think they did. This is the worst thing you've ever done. I've done a lot of terrible things. I know, and this is somehow worse. I'm furious. Should of terrible things. I know, and this is somehow worse. I'm furious. Should we just play like an anus belching for your story or something? I don't even have a story. Oh, yeah.

No, I know. What is Connor's song? I just like that everyone had music. Oh, yeah. What is my song? Oh, God. Just two twinks fucking each other? Is that...

Can't that be my song? We got a chorus. Tell the story. All right. So, guys, I was at the bank the other day. I saw this guy. I'm only doing this for a paycheck. Put it back in your mouth, you fucking faggot.

And he gives me this look, right? And I'm like, what, does this guy have a problem with me? And anyway... Me too, me too. Yeah, yeah. I got kids? And I'm like, what, does this guy have a problem with me? And anyway. Me too, me too. Yeah, yeah. I got kids. But I'm on top. I had to go to the doctor because I got one of those little bottles of water stuck in my ass.

Yeah, your mouth's clean, right? Yeah. You guys, actually, I recently learned where the male G-spot is. It's actually inside the pussy I don't have. All right. If Carnock was a villain in the Infinity Wars instead of Thanos, how would he have killed the Avengers? It's by snapping his balls together. Yeah, that's it.

Now, Thanos is who? He's like the mad Smurf. Okay, I'm going to jump in here. He's basically like a space libertarian because he's like, there's too many people. We need to control population. Wow. No, he comes in and he's like, well, there's something called the Matthew Principle. And I actually think that –

You're like J.P.B. Adams, Doug. Well, there's 12 rules for life, and there's six infinity stones. It's like – I've broken each chapter down by the stone that you should get. Here's my Jordan Peterson. He goes, ask me a question. I'll be Jordan Peterson. Okay.

What do you think of Thanos? Thanos. It's like – who are you, man? It's like, are you a bad guy? It's like, what kind of – have you noticed how much he says it's like – man, now maybe this bit is only for 400,000 incels outside of the – I can't imagine any of those listening to the show. He opens up everything he says with – it's like –

It's like – Damn it, man, that's hell. If you want to start an ice cream shop, you've got to, first you have to learn, first you have to go outside. I love Jordan Peterson. I swear to God,

I'm a start-door mystery here. I love Jordan Peterson so much that I leave behind a copy of 12 rules in every Airbnb I stay in. You know what's funny? I keep seeing Jordan Peterson's name pop up everywhere. I have no frame of reference for who he is. All I know is you really like him, which means I don't want to watch anything he's ever done. He's so fucking – I love Jordan Peterson so much.

It's just like, what if – yeah, he's one of these people where it's like that Bill Hicks joke where he's just talking about Rush Limbaugh and he's like, do you need a new dad? He's just like, do people need a dad? JPB is my dad. There's no question about it. Yeah. So an average potato and an average tomato. You have to insert one of them into your arse.

This person wrote arse. This is our Australian guy. Yeah, maybe they're Irish. Which do you choose? Layer two, it has now been cooked in the oven. Does your answer change and why? Tomato, because I can fucking just squish it. All that juice, I'm squeezing it out

as I'm putting it in. Because a potato is too big to be any fun, even if you're into that. It's too dense. I thought the obvious answer was potato, because it naturally lends itself to get into your asshole. How? A tomato is a fat circle. Yeah, but a tomato also will just turn into liquid pretty much.

It's just paste. Yeah, yeah. You lube it up, though. You're going, it's a skinnier move. A potato is skinnier than a tomato. Right, but the tomato is going to break down, and you're just kind of like, really just fingering it up into your butt. Have you ever tried to get a tomato into an anus? No, I've tried to get a dick into one. Okay, after this podcast is over, let's get a dick. Keith, your dick is about the size of a bad potato.

It's a great potato. You're like a triple potato. I got that Yukon Gold D. Wow. Yeah. Okay, let's try to get a tomato into a condom after this podcast is over. I want to see what's easier. A condom is not a reasonable facsimile for a butthole, my friend.

Tom, do you want to be famous? Do you want to be Mr. Marinara, like Mr. Hands? Yeah, I'm making a WAP guacamole. Guap amole. We can test it, but you guys got to eat it afterwards. Andrew Hillary says... What is this podcast? We've gone way off the rails here.

Andrew Hillary says, if you were going to be furries, what animals would you be? A tomato. A furry is where you dress up like gay? Yeah, you dress up like a gay. What is a furry? It's a person dressed up as a sexy animal. Oh, okay.

I mean, I gotta go with some kind of bear. Keith, I feel like you are I feel like you're a panda, and it's one right to think peace about how you're appropriating culture. But it's black culture. I'm just like saying the n-word constantly well yeah you're half black you can say i'm panic yeah i'm being uh i'm definitely going with zebra because uh i think i got a good butt and i think that's like a good a good place to showcase it zebras do kind of have some haunch

they got some they got some good ass they got some booty most horse-based animals got good ass zebras are like the rihanna of horses. Very true. There's a bunch of white girls on Instagram talking, oh my god, thick zebras and everything. Thick zebra on SNL, y'all. I'm gonna go some kind of dinosaur, maybe

triceratops, maybe a T-Rex. You just want to be the protagonist of the sitcom Dinosaurs. You know, you would like being that guy. I feel like you would. I just feel like I crush Puss as a T-Rex. Honestly, if any of us got into this shit, the level of swag we'd have comparatively would be amazing. We could run the furry community. I'll say this.

I worked in Anime Fest, like the thing at the convention center one time. I'm sorry. You were in charge of throwing acid at those people? There were some fucking babes with some bozos, dude. Oh, yeah. Somehow, that's the most offensive thing that's ever been said on this podcast. Babes and bozos, dude. Dude, there are, yeah.

There's a few. I've seen them, man. Oh, wait. You meant bozos and dudes who were bozos? Yes. I thought you were referring to big boobs and bozos. I was like, you fucking dork. Look at the bozos on this one.

That's what I'm calling them from now on. That's the new Mean Boys segment. What's this babe doing with this bozo? I'm going to start making a case. We are just slowly turning into the morning radio show we exist to mock. Dude, we watched videos of Howard Stern making famous actresses ride a sex doll last night, and it was uncomfortable. Well, yeah, because Tom brought it up.

He was like, yeah, I remember watching this video. I think it was so cool. And I remember Stern being fun. We're watching it. Oh, we just watched a rape that Artie Lang was near. Yeah, it did not hold up. I felt so bad for suggesting. I'm like, oh, yeah, 12-year-old horny Tom,

love this Carmen Electra. And then three minutes, I'm like, I didn't know. It is just these silent zooms on Carmen Electra very uncomfortable sitting on a civvy and Howard Stern like telling her to come she's like I really don't want it

and he's like no just do it and then occasionally just like Baba Booey coughs into a mic but otherwise oh yeah it's so good yeah this is

this is a real gross like Serbian hell alright so this is I like this question Battle Royale happens you guys and 17 past guests wake up with exploding collars on and have to fight to the death. Who do you ally with?

Who do you try to take out first? Comedians on the island. Connor, Keith, Tom, Anna Valenzuela, Gareth Reynolds, Mike Lawrence, Samir Suri, Keith Ray, Jay Light, Jen Scott, Leah Kajani, and Dan Nolan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Jeff Mays, Steve Renizzisi, Adam Todd Brown, Kyle Clark, Pat Barker, Robin Tran, and Kim Congdon. I'll tell you this. I'm teaming up with Leah. She's the most in-shape bitch on that island.

Here's the thing. Steve Ranazzisi only says he's there. He's not an accent. Steve Ranazzisi's just at, like, a Sandals resort. Steve's, like, a busy comic. I'm sure he, like, agrees to shows and can't make it. I've got to figure every time that happens, they're just like, of course.

I know my alliance. I already thought about this earlier today. So'm taking tom keith ray and kim congan and here's why tom is my muscle he's the man he can handle shit he's violent he's scary you're you're the femme fatale you know you seduce people no i'm i'm i'm hustling this thing yeah you absolutely are the pimp of every scenario speaking of of which, Kim Congdon being used for sexual barter. I'm sure she has some good ideas, too. And, like, I'm going to listen to her. Oh, Jesus.

This is a gender equal camp as far as we're here. But at the end of the day, like, some things can only be bought with pussy. And it's like, look, you can have dignity or you cannot have your head exploded on this island full of murder. It's up to you. There are other girls. I mean, Anna's like a real last ditch one. But, like, you know know there's options there's you know i don't know uh robin when we start getting heat stroke but like the point is

and then keith ray i keep around because i feel like we need to start building like shelters or like radios out of coconuts or something he's got like meth smarts and he knows how to put shit together fair okay all right i'm gonna say this and frankly if we're getting if we're getting right down to it i mean the kim thing i mean. I mean, literally the last time we saw Kim, we were like, bye, Louis. We said nothing to Kim. And then she was just like, bye, everybody. I hugged her. After she called us out.

I love Kim to pieces. Keith, that was a tree. What's up? That was a tree. Cool, man. Here's the other thing. Eventually, if you have an alliance, you're going to have to turn on it. Because it's only one man gets up the island.

So really what it comes down to is Keith and Kim, I can outsmart and murder very easily you are the problem at the end of the day it's going to come down to you and me on this island uh-huh and frankly i might just let you kill me i really just need to live long enough to kill everyone else here's the thing you're you're a schemer i'll here here's and i don't mean that in a bad way but you're very you're very street smart i don't know if i trust you from the beginning in this shot caller situation. Here's the deal, though. You're the only one of those people who I need to the end. Kim is only going to be useful.

That's what he's telling you to do. Kim is going to be useful to a point. Once I tap out Keith Ray's fucking resources and he just gets fucking reefer madness or whatever on the island, I'm going to have to put him down. Okay, first thing first while we're all deciding who's got what territory or whatever, we're just going to eat Mike Lawrence. He's dead moment one. Listen, the island, there's no lack

of smugness in the island. I don't need Mike Lawrence dead. I don't need him being like, oh, if only your Patreon made more money. Well, this is the worst island that wasn't directed by Michael Bay. I don't need Someone doing Hollywood Squares quips at me while I'm trying to murder them. I'm grabbing...

Mike, you know what you are, buddy? You're like a highfalutin Bruce Valanche. That's all you are. And you suck my dick about my Patreon, bud. I still think you're great. I love you, Mike. It all depends on how we land and who meets up with who first. But here's what I'm getting.

I'm going to have to kill Mike because I still owe him like 15 bucks for Justice League. You wouldn't join my alliance? I see one of three things happening. Either I join your alliance or I go completely solo. Not thinking that I'm going to win, but just knowing I could do the most damage before I die. Yeah. Yeah. Or I find Anna and Gareth Reynolds and we make a super team

because I think the three of us together could fucking murk. You find the two friendliest people on Murder Island. No, no, no. That's what you do. Here's what I do. I don't trust Samir for a fucking second. All right? First things first, I say, hey, Leah, we're in pretty decent shape. We're going to rape Tony Hinchcliffe to death.

That's number one. All right? I lure Adam Todd Brown in with, like, a coconut stash. Well, Adam Todd Brown is nega me. So, like, I feel like his time is the other one I'm worried about. Wario's getting popped. Adam would be the neg of you, yeah? Adam's first to die.

I don't know how. No, no. Adam is just like me. He is physically the weakest but mentally the strongest hustler. That man has a podcast network with a lot of dummies on it. You said those are the two nicest people? They are. It's always the nice ones that have that secret fucking streak where they'll do anything when it comes down to the line.

And I know for a fact those two people are fucking tough. And here's the thing. We keep our distance. I also feel like I can keep my distance while we still communicate. Kyle is dead. Kyle is straight up dead. Really? I'm taking Kyle.

I'm taking Kyle. Kyle's done. Kyle Clark. Done. Yeah, out. Kyle's done, dude. On what grounds? I'm taking him on the grounds that I think he would be on.

I'm taking his cardigan. Let me lay it down for you how it works. You want Kyle Clark, the man with the highest center of gravity in North America. The anti-weevil. The man who has a pot belly that's five feet in the air. Let me lay it down for you. I'm going to tell you. Yeah, but that's not your guy.

Here's how Kyle dies it down for you. I'm going to tell you, yeah, but that's not your guy. Here's how Kyle dies. I guarantee you. So you and your team with Kyle are behind a rock and you're approaching the citadel of another team. And Kyle's like,

everybody be cool. Just don't worry about it. I'm going to walk over there and I'm going to talk this thing over. And you just silently see him walk over, start talking,

and then a thousand arrows come from over the top and pin cushion him into a fucking early crash. You know who honestly my team is? Honestly, my team is Keith and Tom and Leah. All right? I think because I think I...

Yeah, to be honest, that is a pretty good team. I know where you guys are at. All right? I know what everyone's doing. You know, we need Keith, your strategy. Tom, you got a weird sense of human nature that is going to come in handy. See, I'm worried about outlying with both of you, though.

Me and Lee are the muscle. Here's my biggest problem with outlying with the two of you. Is that we, if they go, oh, the mean boy. See, we have brand notoriety now, and they're going to come after it just because we have the branded group. Five hundred reviews, and we'll let you join our team. So here's my thing. I don't think I can team up with both of you at the same time.

Because I think if I team up with Tom at the same time. Ramsey hates fantastical questions. He's so out. No, no, no. I'm a conscientious objector. Well, you don't agree we kill Ramsey, right? No, I'm a conscientious. Well, I wasn't even named in this scenario.

Exactly. How many fucking episodes do I have to be on to be named? Are you fucking kidding me? You named. You fucking. Your head exploded before your body hit the ground. It was like your corpse slapped and then your parachute's still attached to your head.

I'll take it, Ramsey. I'm consciously objecting to this. That's a very good point. We could eat Ramsey. Yeah. Oh, please. I would be like, you fuckers. First, I decapitate Jay Light and I barter with him like a flush light. Run me through the name of one by one. Jay Light and not me? Jay Light!

I'm like, okay, we need Kim for sex money. And you're like, yeah, same thing, but Jay Light and not me? Jay Light! I like that you're like, okay, we need Kim for sex money. And you're like, yeah, same thing, but Jay Light? Here's the thing. It's not offensive if I say I'm going to cut off Jay's head. Jay, who listens to all the shows. Hi, buddy. I think Kim is also a very practical person and would actually be useful. Yeah, Kim is in good shape, too.

She would actually be good. Run me through the names one by one, and I'm going to tell you how all these people die or if I would take them on the team. You guys are going to really want me around to set up the government. You guys understand that. I feel like you were running this operation that led to us being on the team. We don't need a bureaucrat. We're trying to get off the island, dude. The capital for this Hunger Games

situation is all just a world of you. So Kim Congdon. I think she's a keeper on your team. I think you can use her as a distraction. She's very physically fit. Yeah. She can get out of a jam on her own. I mean, I think she blows into a conch and a bunch of other Puerto Ricans come.

Yeah. I mean, for Christ's sake, she's David Lewis, so she is loyal to idiots. Yeah. And Kim, I don't know. I feel like Kim would stab me in the back, though. Well, yeah, Puerto Rican. And also doesn't mind hearing the occasional N-word. Here's the thing i the more i'm thinking about the more i go completely solo because i will not be able to

sleep if i know there are other people that's a good point i actually i'm i'm i'm disbarring you from my organization here's the thing i love all you guys i will do best on my own in this being the wild card that you don't know if it's gonna be the fact that i know that tom is running around unencumbered by other people, I'm mortified. Tom is going to build an amazing pit full of punji spikes. Then a butterfly is going to land on him. He's going to get scared because he thought it was a bee and fall into it backwards. Okay, so Robin Tran, dead 45 seconds in.

And by the way, suicide. Not even fucking anybody. Robin's going out like Piggy in Lord of the Flies. That's exactly what I was thinking. Robin's done. Pat Barker. Sorry, Grafton. Chokes on a sandwich.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, buddy. Pat is not. Pat, I mean, dude. I don't know. It's a fight to the death, not a fight to who can write the quippiest thing about Peyton Manning. If it comes down to a lesbian softball tournament for a survival, then we'll tag Pat back in. Kyle Clark. Done.

Dead. So dead. I'm in love with the idea. Adam Todd Brown. Adam Todd Brown is the scariest man on this island to me. Adam ropes in Jeff. He ropes in... Here's what it really is going to boil down to is two factions led by me and Adam, and then Tom is like the fucking Logan in the woods

that comes in and just... You're Mad Max. Sure, I haven't seen that movie. Adam is and Adam, and then Tom is like the fucking Logan in the woods that comes in and just shit. You're Mad Max. Sure. I haven't seen that movie. Adam is Bullet Town, and I'm fucking Chubbsville or whatever. But that's what it's called now. Here's the thing. Here's the problem with me joining a faction.

I won't trust anyone enough. I'd be much more. You're going rogue for sure. And here's the thing. Whatever faction I join, they would use me and then immediately kill me off because they don't want to see what I do next. I think Adam's faction lasts very well. I think Adam, at the end of the day, slips and is too nice to somebody and they stab him in the back. So that's how I think Adam goes.

All right. Jeff May. Jeff May is the guy who stabs Adam in the back. Again. Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, dude, you're done, buddy. I'm sorry, man. I think people humor

I think basically some of the worst comedians on this list are very nice to Tony thinking that when we get back to dry land maybe they'll get to be the new Ally Mack

but really Tony's going down pretty early Tony's the first would be warlord that gets turned on and fucking turned into meat I love this game so much

this is a lot of fun my dick is hard yeah like Tony is just like I'm gonna going to be a mastermind. He's too busy talking about how good he's going to be at planning that he gets killed with a rock. You know, he's going to be like, I'm going to stuff I learned from Rogan at the comedy store talking to Mitzi. That's an arrow. It's in my dick.

I'm bleeding out. I don't know how to make a bandage. I didn't go to Boy Spouts. I had a troubled home life. This is awesome. All right. I'm going to pull some names out of this bucket. Dan Nolan.

Dan is also going rogue. Dan's out there. I don't think Dan goes rogue. Oh, Dan goes rogue for sure. Dan either goes rogue or he tries to rope Jen Scott into some kind of a test agreement. What we in the business call pure junkie instinct. And when the chips are down, that dude is a survivor. I think he goes rogue.

I think maybe you two form an uneasy alliance. No, you and Dan, you might team up on occasion. You might team up in a motel room in Arizona, and you're talking about like, yeah, we just went and got a flat of sandwiches from the grocery store, and we watched Law & Order while we smoked cigarettes. Dan's move is going to be to try and just sort of hide somewhere and ride it out in like a tall tree. And manipulate somebody, I think. I don't think Dan pulls that move in this situation. I think Dan is just sort of like, I'm hanging back. I'm going to let everybody else.

Once it gets down to like five or six people left, then I think Dan weighs his options. I think there's a scene where at one point you and Dan are both running through the woods with spears. And you like come face to face. And you're like, cool. And then you're like, quietly nod. And then you both run in opposite directions. That was always my favorite scene in those movies. Like you both respect the spirit of the warrior. You're not teaming up, but you're like Quietly nod And then you both Run in opposite directions That was always My favorite scene Like you both

Respect the spirit Of the warrior You're not teaming up But you're not Killing each other I could see me and Dan Teaming up and like Let's weaken the strongest

Faction and then Call it quits Yeah you guys maybe Are the team at the end That brings shit That brings like The armies down Leah Kajanian

Leah might go solo I don't think Leah I think Leah Leah is my Other shot to maybe Be a warlord Cause she puts together that softball league. Leah's had a wrangle of comedians.

She was born with that war paint on her face. Yeah, she's got dominant energy. I think that she rises to a challenge. I think if Leah starts barking orders at me, you know, and this is a bunch of beta males on this fucking island, I'm like, all right. I think Leah starts the most. I think me and Adam are playing diplomacy.

I think Leah is fucking a tribe of war immediately. I think Leah starts the most. I think me and Adam are playing diplomacy. I think Leah is fucking a tribe of war immediately. I think she grabs other women. I think it's Leah and Jeff May. All right. They're there. I think Jeff is a double agent. He's with Adam, but really secretly he's part of the Leah tribe. Okay.

I see that. I could definitely see that. Here's the thing. I want to write this fucking movie. Here's the thing with the tribes. Okay. And this is why I also want to go solo. When there's more than one of you, you make more noise.

You can hide less. It's harder harder to hide you're easier to hunt well my move if i'm running a world is we're setting up a camp we're building a pressure we've got we've got soldiers hilarious no everyone knows exactly where to find you that's a terrible idea you know me we're uh it's uh anyway let's go through this list jay light oh jay jay jay i think is sort of the uh i think jay goes with like a i didn't make the list jay's a mercenary he's on some baba fat shit kind of where he sort of he'll i think he's useful in a lot of ways yeah i think he's a good talker i think he's a good go between he's he's seeding people you know he's gonna run the periscope yeah jay i think has no. I think he plays sort of...

I think he's the guy in the cube that kind of built the cube. I think Brian Moses is sitting somewhere smoking a cigar being like, yeah, season three is looking pretty good. I think Jay plays both sides for a little while, but eventually he crosses. I want to say Leia's tribe and gets shanked. Okay. All right. Yeah, I could see that happening. All right.

Fucking Anna. What's Anna doing? She's too nice. She's part of Leah's tribe. She gets in over her head and she gets work. Anna can turn it on when she wants to. She also has martial arts training. Anna does have martial arts training. She's got junkie strength.

It means something. Anna has martial arts training, but like... Now, Anna's ripped as shit. I like karate fought her outside Anchor Bar one time and I got the best of her. You guys were slap fighting. Yeah, but I pulled a quick... I've seen cats go at it harder than you two.

I love egging this side of Connor on though and it's funny. You can't beat up Anna. I think Connor could take her. Well, I'm a man. I'm smarter. Anna definitely joins a tribe. She joins the Leia tribe. I think she's sort of like kind of a front line soldier type and ends up getting taken out

in whatever battle happens. Alright, Gareth Reynolds. Gareth Reynolds is not built for this. He's not a man of war. I don't know him well. Gareth doesn't understand the rules of the island long after we've all figured it out. What are we doing here? Hi, okay, so we're just going to wait to die?

Okay, great. Gareth is going to... I want Gareth on my team just because he's fun to have around. He's my court jester, but he will get murdered. Yeah, I feel like you'd be good at finding food Better than Keith Okay, it's a tree. They usually put food in those and so what I'm so I like me and Joe DeRosa. Oh, yeah That's a rattlesnake He landed on the island and then immediately just started rowing away.

Nope, nope, nope. Not going to do it. Joe just walked into the ocean. You know, he fried a plantain and just fucking put it in his mouth like a ball game. Jesus fucking Christ. This is why I don't go to islands usually. Usually. I mean, unless I'm at a strip mall after a gig, you know. All right.

A couple more names. Mike Lawrence. Mike, like, he starts, he just says a bunch of shit about Secret Wars. Oh, sorry, Siri. Yeah, Mike's done. Yeah, Mike's done. I mean, he thinks he's Dr. Doom, but, you know, he's taken out. Yeah, well, I think everybody Mike has ever been a piece of shit to during a roast battle

just, like, turns on him and he turns into a roast turkey in their eyes. Like, they kill Mike before they realize they had to kill anybody. And, you know, I think him and Tony team up. No, they don't. Mike will kill Tony with a rock 30 seconds in. Here's the truth is I think Mike, and I love him to death as a human being, is the right combination of worthless and fat to become the first human meal on this island. Followed closely by Kyle.

Yeah. Kyle. Yeah, we're having. Man, I am ending so many friendships over this game yeah i say this mike lawrence 17 years at mcdonald's i feel like there's some culinary experience he's gonna bring that just means he's he's got like the herbs and spices baked into his flesh okay yeah yeah i rescind the point i'm eating my clothes i i'm here's i'm straight up using kyle at the kyle's dead body as a pillow.

I'm resting my head on his comfy chest. Comforting in so many ways. Yeah, yeah. He's going to be warm for days after he passes. Yes, this rules. Samir Suri. Samir immediately puts on glitter Viet Cong paint and starts pooping on sharp sticks. Here's the thing.

I kind of want to dress Samir up like Xerxes from 300 and just see how that plays out. Here's the thing. I think Samir actually lasts aerxes from 300 and just see how that plays out. I think Samir actually lasts a very long time. Oh, I think so, too. He's from fucking India. Those people know how to survive, all right? That is a top country. He's just a fucking, he's got a silver tongue, you know? Darling, you think I'm going to betray you, you know?

Yeah, I could see Samir lasting for a while, actually. I do think Samir's slinking into a background role and kind of like doing a Dan where he's sort of waiting to see how it pans out. But rather than doing it from the tree top. He's going to do it with a group of people. I mean, that's honestly what I do. I mean, I might end up doing it. Samir's like, I'm just the peasant. Don't mind me, darling.

But in the back, he's like, I know who I need to kill if I need to. I think he lasts about two-thirds of the way through this thing and then gets taken out. Keith Ray. Keith Ray is such a... It's over. The problem was if Keith Ray weren't... Keith Ray has such a big heart is the problem. He's going to get it broken.

Yep. He's going to give up his last meal. Well, hey there, gang. Let's say we get together and we build a raft out of what's left of my pants. And then I'll be the sail. I've been trying to blow them up, but they ain't holding air. I'll be the sail and y'all be the wind. I think i saw that in a poster in a dentist's office once i don't know why i don't i'm not even sure if they know each other well but i feel like keith ray and dan

nolan have a fight to the fetish at some point nah keith ray is gonna get taken out keith ray is gonna get suckered because keith ray is going to hoard treasures thinking he's gonna barter and then somebody by which which I 100% me, is going to be like, oh, bring your treasures and you can tell me tales of living in a truck or whatever the fuck your deal was. And then as soon as he gets through the walls of my compound,

just shanked. All right, that Jay-Z, Link, and Punk album has just come out, right? And then we're putting a nice tray of Keith Ray next to the tray of Carnet at Lawrence. Oh, I can't wait for your compound to get introduced to my fire. I can't wait for you my fire one guy is way less

guys than 12 guys here's here's how fucking keith dies is from eating keith ray all right that's that's how you go out keith ray you you get meth dysentery i love it all right uh have y'all seen each other's wieners seen keith's dick keith's seen my dick i think that's it we both have not seen tom's dick which i find puzzling, because you won't show it to us. Yeah, I'm this weird dude who doesn't like other guys seeing his dick. No, but like, we've all seen each other's dicks. I always thought that was fucking weird

since I was a little kid. You guys haven't seen my dick. Have you seen our dicks? I haven't seen your dicks now. Also, I saw you guys' dicks against my will. I wasn't asking to see... I'm not against seeing your dick. Let me see it, Keith. He's putting on his glasses. Yeah, pull it up.

I'm putting on my glasses like I'm a CNN anchor who's about to read a controversial tweet. Yeah, yeah. He said here, I can't watch that retard contest too long

because it makes me feel bad. All right. Yeah, Keith, you were a good piece there. Thank you. Let me see. Yeah, I mean, it's really just like... It's a good piece. Yeah, it, you were a good piece there. Thank you. Let me see. Yeah, I mean, it's really just like a piece. Yeah, it's just a bratwurst.

A good piece. It's like it's at a museum. Yeah, like if this is Antiques Cho-Cho. Antiques Cho-Cho. We have an episode title. It's got to be called Antiques Cho-Cho. I don't have any dick pics on my phone, but let me go through my Google voice number. I know.

Dude, nothing more dangerous than Ramsey with a Google. If you give Ramsey a Google voice number, he lives off the island. It's over. All right. If you had to eat a famous person, living or dead, who would it be and how would you want them prepared? Mike Lawrence on an island. I mean, I did offer Jeff Ross that sandwich. You're dead. That's not actually my cutlet.

It's more of a flank of Lawrence. Oh, you're butchering me. What are you, the makers of the last three X-Men movies? I'm going to say Tom Cruise because I think that makes me the leader of Scientology. If I eat him or I don't know how the rules work, but I feel like that's something. Definitely not that way, but God, I want to see you pursue this. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd like to gain his courage in his IMDB score. I'm going to say Bob Barker as is. He's close to jerky anyway. Oh, dude. Hell yeah. Well, new porn guys, you guys are working on have a deeply uncomfortable Tom Goss standing in the background watching. Hopefully.

Yeah. Very much. Hopefully. If Tom sprints for the bathroom, we'll know what's going on. Oh, dude, someone visited Van Damme State Park. That's pretty great. I'm going to throw that a retweet right now. Alright.

I think that's it for the good tweets. I've got a couple more on Facebook. We're not going to live on Las Vegas. Alright, hit them. Daniel Zambrano asked me, has the boys gotten you on board the hashtag Vapenage? No, shut up uh by the way hey shout out to daniel's brother he's giving the the mean boys so much vape juice yeah and as the one person here who doesn't vape thanks daniel yeah very nice guy very funny guy yeah uh yes connor on a scale of one to ten how confident would you be of winning a yugioh tournament if you picked up playing again with the best deck

you'd ever assembled i mean it would be so much has changedi-Oh tournament if you picked up playing again with the best deck you'd ever assembled? I mean, it would be... So much has changed. It would be like if you were like, do you think Richard Pryor would be good on Wild and Out? I mean, I'm one of the great duelists of all time. But you're playing a different game. Yeah, it's a different... I'm behind the times.

He asked, Tom, would you be interested in doing a show where you can challenge the host to a saber duel after the show? DM me. I know a guy. I prefer shows where I don't have to fight with a sword. Just display one. But he'll take one where you do. But I'll take, you know what?

I'll do any show. I'll do any show. Yeah. And Ray says, Ramsey, Palestinian food. Where's a good spot? Hilarious. All right. Eat your tears.

What is a good spot? Israel. What are you writing, Rams? I wrote dino juice. I'm not sure what it means. All right, well, let's play some voicemails. Me, Roy. Yes.

I want to give you guys a pro tip. If you're ever in a strip club and you're bored and you got a little bit of money on you, go to the DJ and pay him like 30 bucks to play shit like Piano Man by Billy Joel. Something that cannot be stripped to. And then just sit back and enjoy yourself and have a good time. I just don't like messing with people. That's where I'm at. I think people should be respected and never fucked with. I mean, that just feels rude, you know?

It does feel rude. Yeah, yeah. Here's a short one. I'm at work, bitch. That's a drop, bitch. Yeah, I love that. It's like, hey, man, let me FaceTime you really quick. I'm at work, bitch.

You do it. This is fun. Do it. What? Yeah, yeah. Set it up. Hey, man, where'd you leave the remote control? I'm at work, bitch.

God, Ramsey, do it. Can we not hit an open mic tonight? I'm at work, bitch. Yo, Todd, what did you think of Deadpool 2, man? I thought the first one was funnier, but the second one... I'm at work, bitch. Yo, Todd, what did you think of Deadpool 2, man? Because I thought the first one was funnier, but the second one... I'm at work, bitch. Phone man, where are you?

I'm at work, bitch. Phone man. I'm at work, bitch. Are we going to ignore the fact that Tom responded to one of the voicemails a few seconds ago? Did you guys hear that? Because main voice Tom goes, yeah. Oh, real quick from Instagram.

Death Radio says, can you shout out my girlfriend Nala? She's got the hots for Connor. So, hey, Nala. Hey, Nala. What's up? I want to fuck you better than your boyfriend ever could. The main boy's cookery. And when that doesn't pan out,

sup, Nala? Is Nala the lion? One of the lions? Yeah, I was going to say, how you living on Pied Rock? I think I know what my fursona's going to be. It's going to be this dude.

I'm going to put on a furry costume of him, you know, and I'm just going to fuck her like a cartoon, fuzzy version of her existing boyfriend. I think that'd be a lot of fun.

Love it. All right. This is the voicem a lot of fun. Love it. All right. This is the voicemail I feel like Ramsey left. Fuck the Ram. I want to hear fuck the Ram on this podcast. What? Fuck the Ram? Fuck the Ram.

I mean, I don't know if he's talking about the big-ass Ram, Doug. He better not be talking about the big-ass Ram, Doug. Yeah, he better not. Okay. Hey, Mean Boys. Big fan. This one's actually directed towards Connor, so I have two questions for you. One, when will Mike Lawrence return to be your guest on the show?

Probably not. I don't know. Why is this happening? Underrated band. First of all, I love the killers. Second of all, why is this happening? Underrated band. First of all, I love The Killers. Second of all, why is this happening? I hate this Killer song, though. It's the only one I don't like.

Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, I like The Killers. I don't really like that song. Thanks, man. Was that the full voicemail? Yeah. Hey, man, I'd love to answer your question, but...

I'm at work, dude. Yo! And I'd love to answer your question, but... I'm at work, bitch. Yo. I love I'm at work, bitch. Dude, that's becoming like a new segment, fucking blonde. Oh, my headphones are out. Oh, I'd love to fix it, but... I'm at work, bitch. See, they're all laughing, but I didn't hear what it was.

What do you think it was? I don't know. Yeah, I actually said... I'm at work, bitch. What did you say? You didn't hear me? No. I've got to call you back

because... I'm at work, bitch. Here's the thing. I don't know what you're saying, but... Yes, you do, Tom. But I can't hear it. I can't hear it.

I can't hear it. I'm at work, bitch. I'm at work, bitch. That's the Mean Boys podcast. This is probably the worst Boost Mobile commercial I've ever heard. This was bananas. Hey, can you hear me now? I'm at work, bitch.

Jay Light, not me. I can't get over it. I can't get over it. How many fucking times do I got to show up on the podcast before I'm on this fucking island? At least one more. You just aren't memorable. He raises a cruel and fair point. That's a fair point.

Not like Jay Light. His classic appearance on episode 57. What's interesting is Opie didn't get thrown in there either. No. I feel like it'd be racist to imply he'd be on an island. Yeah, that's true. His people never made it to an island. I feel like it'd be racist to imply he'd be on an island. Yeah, that's true. His people never made it to an island. I feel like Opie's going to kill

all of us after this. Yo, I haven't jerked off in seven years, all right? I got a little something called the dragon energy. Oh, that's a Trump thing. God damn it. I wasn't trying to Bill Maher

that Opie jerked. The dragon energy. Hey, Mean Boys fans, I got a request for you. Have any of you seen a black man drinking energy drink tweet at me i want to know oh yeah ramsey was peeved that tom said he thought he came over this unrealized podcast this is my theory the black man energy drink i thought i

thought it was me oh absolutely i thought we were taught i thought it was me and you talking when we first brought but i could be wrong i'm sorry if i'm sorry if i i collect all of my theories that's one of them i could have sworn it was me on the patio. There's a post-it note on Ramsey's wall where it just says, there's a picture of a fucking Terry Crews and a monster just in a big question mark. Yeah, I'm genuinely sorry. I thought it was me, the three of us, but maybe it wasn't.

Yeah, anyway. I'm not that married to the idea. I'm married to all to the idea. You can. Yeah. I'm married to all of my crackpot theories. Yeah. Guys. You want to plug?

When is this coming out? The 29th. Oh, dude. If you're in San Francisco, come to Cobb's Comedy Club. May 31st. Go to the setup. June 1st. If you're under a critical hit.

Or what's it called? It's your move in Oakland on Saturday, June 2nd. Oh, yeah, dude. Go see the big-ass Ramdog himself. Come see me in Santa Barbara at the new Comedy Hideaway, June 9th. And then I'm in Bentonville, Texas, June 14th. I'm headlining the rec room in Huntington Beach. No, I'm featuring at the rec room June 13th in Huntington Beach.

That was a lot of fun. I was just there this last weekend. Great club. Closed it down. Got fucking drunk and played bumper cars with a bunch of other comics. We had a good-ass time. And I'm headlining the goddamn Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas, June 15th and 16th. Really, really, really want to see some Mean Boys fans there because that is a door deal.

So definitely, definitely purchase tickets to the Velveeta Room. It'll be a very good show. May 30th, Mean Boys Live at the Jackpot Bar and Grill in Las Vegas, Nevada. June 1st, Mean Boys Live in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Room Room.

This is looking to be a real intimate Vegas show, so if you haven't gotten your tickets, go ahead. That would be a heck of a time to do it. Go ahead and do that right now before you do anything else.

I'm going to be doing a Stamps.com call to action. Yeah, for real, do that. And other than that, I got shit coming up in August in the Pacific Northwest with Connor, but we'll talk about that a little closer to the dates. What? Whoa, Ramsey is blowing

this is the worst podcast. You look like a shitty bomb that the Joker, like the Cesar Romero Joker lights. The worst monk ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, we got a we got a human incense over here we gotta uh you can go ahead and book me uh this is my new favorite tom plug bit yeah no just you don't book me you know that's it you can you can you can send me a letter

or an email or a facebook thing or a photogram thing. Hogwarts owl. Just a telegraph, I think. I'll be there. I'll go to your stupid town. Shortwave radio, the fillings in my teeth. Yeah. Throw a dart with a note on it.

Wrap a fucking paper around a brick. Guys, things aren't going well, and I could really appreciate your bookings. Yeah, book Tom. He's great. Also, if you guys are on Netflix, be sure to stay tuned for my animated series, Dino Juice. Which comes out. Hell yeah. So, yeah.

Thanks, folks. Fuck everything. God is dead.