Mean Boys - EP 132 - Rambo Calrissian (Live feat. Jake Flores, John Tole & Timmi Lasley)

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV  Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Jake's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/poddamnamerica/id1271019505?mt=2 Subscribe to our YouTube channel Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Jake Flores on Twitter: twitter.com/feraljokes Follow our guest John Tole on Twitter: twitter.com/johntole Follow our guest Timmi Lasley on Twitter: twitter.com/timmitown Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. At Desjardins Insurance, we put the care in taking care of business. Your business to be exact. Our agents take the time to understand your company so you get the right coverage at the right price. Whether you rent out your building, represent a condo corporation, or own a cleaning company, we make insurance easy to understand so you can focus on the big stuff, like your small business. Get insurance that's really big on care. Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage.

Hey, everybody. It's Connor from the Mean Boys podcast. And this week, we've got a live show from Denver recorded at the Comedy Room Room this past Friday. Had a fantastic time. The fucking venue was awesome. Thank you guys all so much for coming out. Had so much fun meeting you guys. Thank you for all of the gifts.

We weren't able to light off the fireworks, but we are going to bring them back to California via a method that will remain undisclosed to the listening members of the FBI who are currently tracking Jake Flores. Speaking of which, Jake Flores, Timmy Lasley, and John Toll were our guests this week.

They're all fantastic. There'll be a link to all of their social media info in the show notes. And yeah, it was a fucking fantastic show. We got dinner with everybody afterwards. It was a blast. And if you want us to come to your town and hang out with you, fill out our fucking tour sheet. It's in our Twitter bio.

It'll be in the show notes. Let us know the closest major city you're willing to come out to see us in, how many friends you got, and whether or not we can sleep on your couch. And if there's enough of you in the same goddamn zip code, we'll go find a 50-seat bar and ruin everybody else's night. Does that sound like a plan? Good. Uh, and, uh, just a couple of quick, uh, bits of housekeeping, uh, to get out of the way, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Tom's been vlogging this whole thing. He just got a tattoo. And if you don't want to see that, turn this off right now. Uh, and, uh, he just put up some of the vlogs from the, uh, the April tours. So go check out our YouTube channel, give us a sub, make the numbers look good for our corporate overlords

and, uh, like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram For more mean boys in your life every day And again, just fucking tap a couple goddamn buttons And make us look legitimate So we can have enough money to do more stupid shit That's really what this is all about at the end of the day Speaking of which

If you want a direct pipeline to our fucking wallet The Patreon is still rocking and rolling The keychain should have been shipped out yesterday. Recording this in the past. But yeah, those will be shipped out. So sorry about that. Those took a little while because the post office is hard. And the stickers are being printed. I don't know what we're doing this month

but it'll be something cool. We got some good ideas. We may be commissioning some P-related windshield art. So stay tuned for that possibly. And yeah, 10 bucks a month will give you a monthly goodie delivered to your door and five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content uh you know a little a little more uh fucking audio methadone to get you through your factory job or whatever the fuck you you have to do to keep pbr in your belly and fucking pizza rolls

in your stomach your belly and your. Those are both the same thing. Really hate doing the intros alone, guys, but I didn't bring all the microphones on tour. I needed room in my bag for outfits. Yeah, speaking of outfits, if you want to come see me in Austin, Texas, headline the comedy, the Valve. You know, Comedy Room Room is where we just were.

The Valve in Austin, Texas, June 15th and 16th. Tickets are on sale now. All right, go fucking buy them because I'm very funny and it's a door deal. And I booked the flights and I got to make this work. And leave us a review on iTunes because when we get to 400 reviews, we're going to do a motherfucking interview with Keith, with a vampire, with Keith's mom. We're going to drive to Fresno and we're gonna, we're gonna rent some hazmat suits, and burn some, burn some fucking sage, and, you know, bring a whole fucking ice chest full of holy water, and we're gonna talk to Keith's mom, and he just ran into her up in Fresno, and she was sending me, sending me some

quotes of things she was saying about the other comedians, that she's a cold-hearted bitch, so that'll be a lot of fun, and I'm definitely gonna make her talk about her 10 abortions, maybe, I'll actually ask Keith about that that because I don't want to be rude. But yeah, leave us a review on iTunes. Again, just a couple quick taps. Legitimize this. All right. Love the dark humor. Five stars. Writes Francesca 218. Love the show. Love the rude and crude humor. Really makes me smile. Great banter. Keep it up. Is this my mom's account? Oh, Keith's just walked in. Wait, you mean to tell me our humor is rude and crude? Next you'll be saying we have attitude.

Oh, shucks. So yeah, if you want to leave us the kind of review that someone who thinks that Cards Against Humanity is the edgiest game, go for it. If you want to leave us a review that also sounds like a description of the game Battletoads, be our guest. Yeah, yeah, if you want to leave us a review

that sounds like a quote from the back of the Conker's Bad Fur Day box, you go for it, girl. If you want to leave us a review that sounds like the Japanese translation for the movie Deadpool, go nuts. Oh, and if you like rude, crude humor and banter, why don't you join the Mean Boys subreddit? Why don't you? Reddit.com, rmeanboys. We got, yeah, I don't know.

People talk about shit in there. You know, it's a good community for any of you who don't have anyone else to talk about anime with. We were just voted the 937th least rapey subreddit. Yeah, look, it's a burgeoning community for vole cells to collaborate on, you know, different conversational skill building exercises. Like, so where do you guys live? And who else has ever gone to a mental hospital?

Uh, sorry. I love you guys. Uh, yeah. So go on the separate, uh, anything else we got to plug Keith?

Uh, not as of yet. You got your road chick coming up. Yeah. I plugged that. Okay. Uh, we did,

uh, I came in late to this. I don't know what you've already done. No, no, we just keep going through it. We did coming up. Yeah, I plugged that in. Okay. I came in late to this, so I don't know what you've already done. No, no, we just keep going through it. We did iTunes reviews. Yeah, yeah. We did the Patreon. Yeah. We did the subreddit.

Yeah. We did a lot of riffs on how that one person is bad at writing reviews on iTunes. Make sure you tweet at Tom that Mr. Ears is bad. Yeah. I think we've covered all the bases. Yeah. Oh, and thank you to uh andrew oh yeah i plugged the tour sheet now thanks to andrew hillary who did the the voicemail jingle we're gonna play the other jingles too if you guys send in jingles but we're using andrew hillary's sorry guys it's

really good yeah it's objective yeah uh all right everybody that's it uh enjoy this week's live episode from the comedy room room in denver colorado please welcome buckle your dicks everybody welcome the mean boys Please welcome Buckle Your Dicks, everybody. Welcome the Mean Boys. Thank you very much. Can you tell that we said to say Buckle Your Dicks? Can you tell by how uncomfortable that poor woman looked? She was like, and Buckle Your Dicks. You were doing the fucking flight safety rules on Spirit earlier today.

Thank you guys so much for coming. Yeah, she was like, do you guys have a catchphrase? I'm like, we do, but I'm not going to make you say it because you seem nice. Yeah, exactly. Dude, this is great. The show's actually sold out because all these chairs are reserved for our fallen soldiers. So if we could just have a quick round of applause

for all of the ICE agents that are getting way too much heat these days. They're out here doing good work. Tom is here finally wearing shoes he didn't find in the trash can. I didn't find them. My sister stole my old ones for me. It's different. Oh, that's way better.

Tom, a Mean Boys fan in Vegas brought him a pair of Chucks and he acted like they were like secret plutonium smuggled from a different government and bought a $40 pair of shoes. They're made out of fucking Chinese kid sweat and bullshit. They're not vibranium.

And they are now the nicest thing you own. Yeah, yeah. It was very, very cute. Tom, we were just in Las Vegas roasting porn stars for a couple days. And we were walking on the strip. You're welcome. Yeah, we do it for you guys. For the little people. By the way, one of my favorite visuals ever,

we were sitting at a table with the porn stars, me and Connor, and then Tom is just sitting in a corner where no light is, like the cigarette-smoking man from The X-Files, and just yelling out creepy jokes. He's just like, what if you said you were eating a pussy like a cheeseburger? And then drifts back into the abyss. Okay, for the Back to the Future one,

what if we called it the Butterface Effect? Is that too mean? It's too late. I ate everything at the snack table. I mixed the carrot sticks with the Doritos. It was a bad call, but it happened. Here's what we learned about our friend Tom in Las Vegas. If you ask him if he wants to go to a strip club,

he will try to fight you. Oh, yeah. He became incensed. For the tenth time, I will, maybe. Like, okay. There were ten different guys. They didn't know about your previous experiences. I'll be the strip club promoter.

You'd be Tom. He's like, hey, gentlemen, you guys having a nice evening? Care to go to a strip club? Yeah, fuck you and die. Yeah. Like, hey, pardon me, sir. Do you like titties?

I feel like they're... Eat shit, I'm gonna kill your family. Yeah. It was like Pussy had murdered his dad, and he was on an anime quest just like carrying around a Polaroid. Have you seen this lip? There's a mole above the clit.

I'm trying to get some justice. I don't trust strangers trying to sell me on vagina. I don't think that should be looked for. You're bad at being an adult but really good at being an alert eight year old. Yeah. Strange danger, man.

I also like that there's some people here who probably never heard the show. They just got dragged by somebody, and they're just like, why is that hedgehog wearing a GoPro? Is he worried about police on hedgehog brutality? It's like something going on. Tom is vlogging the tour. He's about to burrow into a molehill made of Megadeth t-shirts.

I don't know if you guys went into the other side of the bar, but this just seems like a place where amputees go to score a crank. Like, it is a terrifying ambiance in here. Like, I walked in

and I was like, oh yeah, of course this is the only venue that emailed us back. I also want to say thank you to the gentleman who gave

us some Yu-Gi-Oh! cards outside the show for each of our personalities. Let's just tell them the titles of what we got. Keith, you go last

because it's the funniest. Okay. I got offerings to the doomed. Not bad. I got graceful charity. I got Lord of D. See what happened?

He thought up that bit, realized mine was funny, and then was like, oh shit, I gotta give those other two assholes a chance. Yeah, pretty much. I found Lord of D last. I thought of Connor and Yu-Gi-Oh! guys. I think we can all agree this is the. I thought of Connor and Yu-Gi-Oh! guys. I think we can all agree, this is the last guy we thought was the Yu-Gi-Oh! guy. By the way, we really got to play pre-show music because I was in the other room realizing, oh, there's just a bunch of nerds in there not making eye contact with one another aggressively.

Just like, okay, I'm going to text another guy about magic, even though that guy's wearing a shirt. Yeah, one thing you will never hear at a Mean Boys live show is casual chatter. Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and open up. Someone gave us some other presents. He said they're mostly for Tom. I'm very curious as to what these are. You don't know what this is? No. Oh, well, the wire... Okay, so there's a bag

within the bag. Alright, there looks like a lot of fireworks. Oh, hell yes! Fuck yeah, dude. Maybe we should put this away for now and play with these afterwords. Well, I thought it'd be funny to reveal the present on stage. Like I said, bad adult, great child. All right, well, I'm gonna... Keith, yeah, we'll... Everything's going great, you guys.

How are you the one that's knocking shit over? I don't know, I'm fucking taller than you. That's why I stay still. What's the law in blowing shit up here? Like, are you just allowed to do it? I'm sure not going to try to show that. No, which is why I'm saying we should put him away for now. Here's what happened.

I heard one aggressive... What if we kept holding him up? I feel like that would be funnier. I heard one aggressive no, and then everybody else is like, we know it's not cool, but we want to see how this pans out. I mean, you've got an amount of shit in here. Are you trying to kill fucking... What's the... Roadrunner?

There you go. Boy, that was sure worth it, wasn't it, guys? Well, thanks. Maybe you could warn me next time I pull out a fucking misdemeanor on stage. Because I told you I was going to do this, and then you're like, ah, he'll figure it out. Yeah, cool.

It's a good thing we have video evidence of it. I'll just blur out the bag. Yeah, keep the plastic bag away from Tom so he doesn't get trapped in it like a dolphin in a six-pack. I'm very excited for that. Anything that explodes is fun. Well, I think we ran out of steam.

What do you think? We got a Mexican joke off, everybody. You guys want to hear some Mexican joke off? And by the way, normally we have a dominatrix for these ones. We don't have it now because we don't know any women here. And apparently when you tweet, hey, do any ladies want to come beat us up in three hours?

The answer is, fuck no. Then you get locked out of your Twitter account for a couple days. You get an article written about you in a couple posts made in secret Facebook groups for lady comedians. Uh, too real. Okay. Mean boys are all very respectful gentlemen.

Which is why I'm going to open with this. An Uber driver shot and killed his passenger in Denver earlier today. Authorities are saying he would have been able to clean up the scene and escape if he had the regular-sized bottles of water in the back seat. Speaking of which,

an Uber driver in Denver shot a man to death earlier today. Even worse, Uber sent the passenger a bill for $300 for making a mess in the backseat. Oh, it's way less than that now. It's like you got like $120. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah.

You gotta puke in more Ubers, dude. Oh, fuck yeah. An Uber driver shot a man to death. I'm gonna do a joke about something else. A Chinese woman tripped a noisy kid in a restaurant and gave him a concussion. In her defense, she got him to keep quiet without shaking him. Damn.

I like that you took the classy road and avoided the racist thing and just did the hurt a kid thing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Let's do this one. Thailand Space Research Agency has announced plans to send the world's smelliest fruit into orbit. We here at the Mean Boys podcast are wishing Keith Carey a safe voyage.

God damn it. Dude, I saw world's smelliest fruit, and I was click, like I broke my mouse. Oh, I saw that news story earlier. My brain went... Like Kill Bill style. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck you.

All right. An accused rapist tried to prove his innocence by showing the jury his penis. He was advised to do so by his attorney, Johnny Cockering. A new study shows a common ingredient in peanut butter is toxic to dogs. Great, now I have to eat peanut butter off my own dick. Tom Goss, Tom Goss, Tom Goss. Just scrape it along the side of the thing.

Well, just Tom is so fat, he's going to have to go on his shoulders and try to gravity it until it shakes him loose. I blow myself in space only is what you're saying. Yeah, dude.

You trying to blow yourself, you're trying to fill a full sandbag in half. I just keep somersaulting. Here's how I think he does it. He just puts a dollop of peanut butter on the dick and then just gets the jets

and just right into his mouth. No, he gets hard. of peanut butter on the dick and then just gets the jets and just... He gets hard, he puts them on his dick and he tries to catapult it into his mouth like a Milton Hasbro game. Just like, ah, shit. I got it in my eye. Like a mouse fap. We got the peanut butter cup.

All right. It's been five minutes. You got cup in my peanut butter. All right. It's still super fucking daylight. All right, guys. Let's see here. A congressional candidate in Virginia has

admitted he's a pedophile. Virginia is also what his victims think their pussies are called. Mommy, I have an itchy Virginia. Yeah. That's why that one didn't get any likes on Twitter. Apparently some of you guys have

empathy and daughters and Virginias. My dearest Virginia is writing a letter to a fucking pussy. Christ. Ian McKellen claimed in an interview that half of all actors are gay, meaning we finally know what happens when Thanos puts on the gauntlet

and does jazz hands. A man masturbated his entire flight to Philadelphia. They should have gotten him off earlier. You really should have saved that other one. I have to eat peanut butter off my own dick. I don't know how impressive that is until I know where he was flying there from.

Vegas. That is fucking, he is edgy. I feel safe here. Does anyone else just jerk off on the plane because you're bored? Yes. Is it just me and Keith? I jerked off on the way to Vegas even though I was also

three hours late towards the shoot. I was like, well, I have time now. Oh, I jerked off so much before that porn shoot because I was like, I need to be, not that I'm going to be

like grabby or anything, but I don't want to be distracted or whatever. I didn't. I was good. Yeah. You want a fucking medal? Yeah.

You didn't squeeze a porn star. Right for you. We've all heard the anecdotes. The last thing you need is more cum in your balls. All right? You're a fucking F? You didn't squeeze a porn star. Right for you. We've all heard the anecdotes. The last thing you need is more cum in your balls, all right? You're a fucking F-16 of jism. A civilian was shot while observing police firearm training, so I guess the trainings went good.

Oh, no. Undeleted. All right. Marine... Oh, this. Undeleted. All right. Marine... Oh, this is real stupid. Marine biologists discovered a species of crustacean that tested positive for opioids. They're calling this new sea creature the Clambian.

Amity's not even an opioid, you stupid bitch. Well, shut up, man. Yeah. You don't know shit about narcotics, and they've been ruining your life since you were born. Hey, sometimes you write for and all the games for the show, and you've got to deal with it. Hey, I photoshopped Andrew Dice Clay's business card yesterday.

Everybody bring something to the table for the podcast. I'm going to bring my maybe dumbest joke of all time. That is a high bar, my bro. Oh, dude, fuck yeah. I'm going to. I never wanted to be famous. I just want to make Tom as famous as possible because watching you react to catcalling and joy

is just like, okay, I think I'm getting the hives from you guys liking me. Shut up, don't love me. I like that Tom B. Stupid is your free bird. Don't know how words work. Yeah! Yeah! I fall down the stairway to heaven.

That's not even the right pan. No, that's another thing people shout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop retard shaming Tom. A man's odor was so bad on an airplane, the plane had to make an emergency landing due to vomiting. Samuel L. Jackson was heard screaming, I'm tired of these motherfucking

stanks on this motherfucking plane. You're right. That is your stupidest joke. I thought it deserved like 12% more. It was fun. Alright, guys. And finally, a pizza man got a $180,000 settlement after being crushed by 400

pounds of cheese. Upon seeing the news, Tom Goss' ex-girlfriend remarked, How do I get that deal? Fucking, it was like being in a cheese accident. And the episode is called Cheese Accident. Parents were outraged when their daughters did a naked dance performance at a high school

in Africa. One father remarked, This is disgusting. You can see where a clit used to be. Yes. Dude, I keep picking my scab. I've got phantom clit syndrome. Oh, God. It's like pushing the button that doesn't work on an arcade game. It's like, oh, my pussy won't use the supercharge. Low kick, low kick.

Man, now I can't hadouken with my cunt. Hadoukum. It wasn't good. I just need to try to keep the ball in the air. I love seeing all the people who haven't heard the podcast before, especially the woman. Sorry, I'm pro-quit.

Alright, the guy with the walker and the no-effect shirt, he's pretty down. But this lady, I feel pretty bad that you'd, like, fucking... You could have been watching Bones on the couch right now. So if you want to leave, it's fine. But we're happier here. Yeah, yeah. I'm a rioter.

Hey, you want to say that a little creepier? I'm a rioter. So she's stuck here. I'm pretty confident. Like, you didn't kidnap her, but you? So she's stuck here. I'm pretty confident. Like, you didn't kidnap her, but you didn't not kidnap her. That's the energy. An Oregon State student handcuffed a hotel employee to the seat of his car, then drove her around town.

The woman said, it was a lot of buildup. I fell trapped, but nothing happened. The whole experience was like a Conor McSpadden story. Yes. There we go. That was the Mexican joke. You guys are story. Yes. There we go. That was the Mexican joke. You guys are on fucking fire. You're fantastic.

You guys are the most awesome we've ever done. You ready to get the show started? Oh, man. This next gentleman, I've been a fan of his for a number of years. You guys are going

to absolutely love him. Very lucky to have a guy like this in town at the same time as we are because he tours all over the country. Everyone, please clap your hands right now for Jake Flores,

ladies and gentlemen. Thanks so much for Jake Flores. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Sudio Headphones. Sudio Headphones are a comfortable and stylish way to listen to all your favorite music and podcasts. And, uh, boy, you might be thinking, I like headphones, they're a little clunky. Well, go fuck yourself. They got earbuds

of a wide variety. Be they wire or Bluetooth. And accessories? You bet your stupid dick there's accessories, you son of a bitch. Yeah, I just ordered another tangle-free cord from Studioswedan.com. It's going to probably be waiting for me at the house when I get back off the fucking Spirit Airlines flight. We're doing a studio ad.

Who just walked into the room? Who is this strange man? Hello, I'm Mr. Ear, here to promote studio headphones for premium audio content in your ear holes or whatever kind of thing you have near your ear. Mr. Ear, when did you turn into a weird robot who doesn't know what Mr. Ear sounds like? This is how Mr. Ear always talks. This is Mr. Ear signing off. Hi, I'm Mr. Ear, and definitely not two kids stacked on top of each

other in a trench coat is this copyright infringement from the simpsons i'm not sure we're actually two ears stacked on top of each other in a trench coat all right somebody draw that right now uh yeah studio sweden is fantastic get yourself the regents all right really treat yourself it feels like it feels like you're putting a cheesecake on your head. It's fucking comfortable. It sounds fantastic. The cord has never tangled. And I'll tell you what, folks.

I bought a pair of earbuds from a less reputable manufacturer. And I've spent 95% of my life by my calculations untangling these motherfucking things. Not with studio headphones. I shouldn't have been such a dunce. You're not a dunce. You only accept the finest podcasts. And also also this is rad, some of you. So go over to studioswedent.com. Use promo code MEANBOYS or MEANBOYS15.

Just one of those will work. It doesn't fucking matter. They keep telling me it matters. It doesn't matter. They don't listen to this shit. A man told me to tell Tom to tell you that having those headphones around your neck feels like getting a hug and it's always comfortable not a feature we always talk about but very comfortable around your necks and not

on your ears sometimes well congratulations mr ear you made this ad into autism yeah i like how you like if you need an easy way to grow accustomed to the notion of touch why don't you buy a pair of headphones and pretend they're a lady? Are you too unloved to be rubbed? Why not Zudio? Hey, here's the thing. You can also probably fuck the headphones. They're very soft, you know?

And they got a warranty card. You might be able to scam them into another free pair. That's how I was created. All right. Zudioswedan.com. Promo code MEANBOYS. Buy some fucking headphones. Shipping's free, you poor son of a bitch

Sorry the most racist person within pointing distance so a racist looking person oh man so far shout out to the ice agents listening at home From a government computer just so I can see what that does? Anyway, that's your microphone. Jake, I really plan on these riffs going better. I'm sorry, dude. Oh, it's all good, baby. Alright, we're going to get into one of our favorite segments with Jake. Guys, we're going to do

New Names. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'll take us away. New name for whoever made that show, Daria, Dyke Judge. Want him back. Sweet, buttery riff. No, I wrote that beforehand.

Oh, never mind. Okay, you know, so Morgan Freeman's like a sex offender now. So new name for the bucket list, the suck it list. New name for Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, the Ross and Rachel of nuclear apocalypse. So the Philippines, that's the... Oh, I was about to make a monkey joke,

but I just realized that's not a good move. I might lose my ABC show. Ross had a monkey, all right? There's nothing racist about it. He was a monkey owner. Okay. As a monkey owner myself, I feel like... I'm just here at this point.

New name for the Burger King mascot, King-itis. Oh, boy. I can't believe this room full of apocalyptically white people don't know what the-itis is. That's a King-mitus joke, though. You're going to come back with your wave cap reference. You know what? I wrote all puns instead of my usual. Okay.

This is going to be fun. This is going to be... Okay, new name for Grits, Jerry Curly Fries. Do you guys like that one? No? Okay. Morgan Freeman was also in the movie Batman Begins. Fuck yeah.

Your name for Batman Begins, Batman Begins Jerking Off in Front of You. That's weird to say I began jerking off in front of you. That's something you start doing. Wait, wait, wait. Batman Finishes. Oh, duh. Fucking right there.

You don't even have to change the Dark Knight Rises. All right. New name for Creed, from the movie Creed, Rambo Calrissian. New name for gun shows, Back to School Shopping. Good to be here in Colorado, everybody. We're number one. Oh, wait, you guys aren't even that anymore.

We're number three, but we did it first. We're the pixies of school shooting. We had to open for Stone Temple Pilots, even though where'd you get your group from? By the way, if you're bummed out, I got bad news. It's coming up again later.

Minor whimsical. Music by Beethoven after the hearing loss. Honky Def Jam. What the fuck happened to your head? Tom, are you getting better? Are you getting less retarded to the point that you're not funny anymore?

Is it finally happening? This is the last time I actually try to make... Put the crayon back! Does someone have some ether that we can have Tom Huff in between segments? I'm sorry. It's like flowers for algernon. It's tragic. New name for Kim and Kanye, since he's all conservative now,

is Hootie and the Blowjob. Does that make sense? Okay. New name for Kim and Kanye, since he's all conservative now, is Hootie and the Blowjob. Does that make sense? All right. Well, Jake only tries for Comptown, okay? Come on, it wasn't more Morgan Freeman, Jackson. I know, yeah. Just think of more movies he's in. I was like, when did Kanye do a Morgan Freeman movie?

All right, all of the lights are off. Wasn't great. I'll save it with this. New name for Michael Bay, Chud Apatow. Makes movies for Chuds. Not bad. I just watched Black Panther, and he's got a girl who advises him,

so Black Panther's female advisor will now be known as Wakanda Lisa Rice. Hell yeah. Here we go again. Oh, no. Okay. What? What?

All right. A new name for when Gal Gadot cuddles? Heroin spoons? All right. All right. No one made sense? Yeah, yeah. Ireland recently legalized abortion,

so getting an abortion, new name, the Irish goodbye. Oh. Very good. That's why you don't look at the ultrasound before you do it. I don't need that playing every time I close my eyes. Alright, so Morgan Freeman

has been raping a bunch of people, you guys. And he played God in that Ben Stiller movie, so new name for Morgan Freeman, God, but like one of the Greek ones. I like that our audience is full enough like Aspie Nerds that we all cringed a little when he said Ben Stiller. Well, actually, he was Jim Carrey.

Oh, shit. I don't see movies. The view when a girl sits on your face is now known as the titty chandelier. Because they're just hanging down there. It's like, ah, there you are. You're up top. They're not all winners, guys.

I'm really struggling to think of more Morgan Freeman movies. Was he in Hotel Rwanda? No! Oh, shit. Alright. New name for Macaulay Culkin, world's greatest methadone actor? Morgan Freeman was in a movie called Gone Baby Gone.

New name, Gone Baby Gone because Morgan Freeman stole your baby so he could have sex with it. He's dating his stepdaughter. He's like the black Woody Allen. He's Woody Allen. If Woody Allen isn't on SoundCloud before the night is over,

we've all fucking made a horrible mistake. God damn it. I'm trying to do a Nelson Mandela thing, but I got nothing, so I'm just going to say that lasagna is Italian brownies. That's... The best I could do, folks.

All right. My last new name. This bar will now be known as the bar from From Dusk Till Dawn, but if they hosted improv jams. All right. Here we go. All right. Here we go. All right.

And you get Keith's titties instead of Selma Hayek's. All right. Okay. I like that the four of you applauded gently in audio. You just went, aww.

Like, you reacted harder to this than the one about the kid getting raped by Morgan Freeman. That was a very, like, polite, obligatory golf clap. I'm leaving him out. It's like the guy's speaking at the corporate event and he's like, yeah, we raised over $4,000 for ALS awareness. And everyone's like, oh yeah, that's right.

Cool or whatever. Where's the guy with the shrimp? Yeah. Alright, new name for getting fat off of fast food? Oh, Beef City? Alright, what if I called lakes insecure oceans? Is that what you'd call it? That's new names,

everybody. Thank you for doing the show, man. We're going to bring up a very funny comic for you guys. This girl is awesome. Everyone, please clap your hands right now for Timmy Lasley, ladies and gentlemen. Timmy Lasley! The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California,

the purveyors of the finest Mexican food that money can buy. Indeed, if you go to eataborrito.com right now, you can take a look at their entire menu, featuring the best tacos in the world, a burrito that made me cum one time, and probably other stuff. And look, you can fuck the burritos, all right? Can you tell that we record the ads back to back? That's where I came from. I'm Captain Burrito. Time to be inexplicably popular. This video has just proved that if you do anything long enough

and the rest of it is good, it'll become popular. You know, it's like a mascot for a basketball game. Nobody likes when he comes out with a t-shirt cannon, but it sure happened. Oh, yeah, Don Carlos Burrito's baby girl. I'm your, your, your, your, your. I don't even get it. I need you to die.

We gave you an inch. We recorded the first Mystery Rear ad where we didn't tell you to kill yourself, and this is how you repay us? Hi, I'm Mr. Taco for Don Carlos. Oh, don't talk about Robin Tran like that. Hi, Robin. Wait, you mean Princess Eggroll? I forgot about that.

Yeah, so go get the burritos. We've actually been sending Don Carlos some business lately, which makes me happy. A couple of, like, seven people in two years have tweeted that they got Don Carlos burritos, but I'll be goddamn if brand awareness isn't through the roof. All right? So, yeah, Go there, and

for the love of God, make sure this man didn't waste all of his money, and pick up a fucking fantastic burrito. They're good. Just fucking buy one. One more time for Timmy Laze, everybody. Tommy Goss is prepared around. This stage is

really weird. It feels like trying to fuck in a bathroom. By the way, I'm wearing the YouTube hat now, and I already feel myself getting dumber. I was dumb before the hat. Yeah, but it's gotten worse. One of my favorite parts about the YouTube hat is that when Tom takes it off,

he leaves a weird tribal tattoo on his forehead from the elastic, so he just looks like he's trying to read your mind and throwing his brow. You look like a bootleg Klingon. Are those these guys or whatever? Everything about what you're doing is incorrect. You're thinking of a Vulcan and this is for metal.

This is Slayer. This is Spock. This is retarded. This is probably what... Klingons probably like metal. No joke. No one gives a fuck about the Klingons. Make some noise if you care about the Klingons probably like metal. No joke. No one gives a fuck about the Klingons. Make some noise if you care about the Klingons.

Man, I don't like our fans anymore. All right, well, they're going to like this. We're going to do a game of Did They Die? We'll switch mics because this one's fucking up. Did They Die? Unfortune. I didn't okay that chanting thing, but I like it. What was the game?

You just have to guess whether they die or not. I'm going to say what happened. We don't put Tom in charge of stuff very often. Here's what's going to be tough about this game is figuring out how Tom misread the article. A guy got eaten by his tractor. Was he dead? And we're like, Tom, that was about...

Yeah, no tractor. Joke's on you. Alright, first one. A man was driving through Canada when out of nowhere an axe flew through his windshield. Did they die? Did they die? I like that. That's cool. I like that the segment started so weird, the audience

is like, well, we better save it. These guys don't have enough performing acumen to fix this, so we'll get this chant started. Absolutely. It doesn't mean you're going to get any answers, because Tom for sure didn't read. What kind of X?

Like the letter X? No, no, no. A giant X. So he angered like a racist Fantastic Four villain? Is that... I like that he was... And how big was the axe? It was a full...

I don't know how big his axe was, but it was a big axe. Yeah, okay. A large axe. Imagine chopping wood, that axe. Did he fuck Craven the Hunter's wife? Tom looks like a Dr. Seuss character called the large axe.

Wait, it was the large axe, I talk to a shoe. That's probably also a pill he has to take so it doesn't shit blood every time he has a carbohydrate. This is Canada? This is Canada. It seems like it rains axes. They got a lot of lumberjacks. Yeah, I think they died.

Yeah, I'm going to go dead. I do like that you included the word suddenly as though there's the axe flying sign. Like how they have the running across the border sign. Yeah, like it's a pothole. I'm going to say this guy is alive. I think Canadians are used to strange wood accidents. He is alive!

Still has no idea where the axe came from. That's a good place. Alright, next one. alive. Still has no idea where the axe came from. Alright, next one. Number two, a man in Canada killed himself after he lost his axe. Number two, a man tried physical comedy on an escalator. Big time. For sure.

Yes. Physical comedy. I like that it had nothing to do with the escalator He was just trying to do a Gallagher watermelon smash Yeah The stool gets stuck in the thing on the side He's trying to fuck it and his dick gets caught in the little thing And he gets grinding off

Oh man I really hope he's alive I don't think he's alive If you die on an escalator You are dying slow and bad Yeah you're getting like peeled open open on some Final Destination shit. Yeah, but you're getting somewhere while you're doing it. Yeah, back to the top. Oh, man, your intestine's so long, part of it's at the bottom and then just loops all

the way around. I put a rubber band around it like a fucking base from hell. Did Gwar grow to be five stories tall inside of the Sears? I don't think... You had too much glee in your voice for this man to have survived. So I'm going to say he's 100% dead. I have to be

contrarian and say he's alive. He is dead as fuck. He somehow fell off the escalator and that's how he fucking died well I guess that's the best way that could have gone for him the good news is it was pretty funny

his body hits the I assume it's at a mall the floor of the mall and he's like I'm okay and then an axe out of nowhere he falls down he's going down the down one and then it brings him back up he tries to like dust himself off and it's like Homer going for the down one and then it brings him back up he tries to like dust himself off and it's like homer going for the gorge you know okay next one uh a high school pot dealer was shot by his anti-violence advocate student dean and drug lord did they die there's so much

to unpack in that sentence that guy has too many descriptors in his title. He was also irreverent. That's like when you meet a homeless guy who's like, I'm a producer mostly, but I also steal cars. And what I really want to do is dermatology. And you're like, you've got to pick a hustle. Is anti-violence drug lord like a class of people now? Like others, like skinheads against racists? Oh, yeah, yeah. We run a cartel with words, man.

Yeah, yeah. Anti-violent. So what did he do? I got lost in that. Anti-violent Ninja Turtle. Okay. He shot him. He was an anti-violence advocate.

Okay. A great one. Student dean and drug lord. I got to say he's dead. This guy probably doesn't want a paper trail fucking up his whole anti-violence thing Yeah, I gotta figure you lose the job. I forgot to figure you get dolezal on that one once they realize You're out there shooting people

You had one job don't shoot anybody. I think it's a trick I think the kids shot first like the kid green out him okay. Yeah, I think the kids's dead. You think the kid's dead? So you think everyone's saying dead? You get to say it gently. No, yeah, the child is dead. It's just weird to see that. You just look like you have a ukulele in your bedroom with Christmas lights and shit. No one's ever looked more like a cool children's librarian.

Oh, my God, thank you. That is definitely quirky librarian. Not Zooey Deschanel, but definitely her fun friend in the movie. Thank you. Yeah, that's the vibe. Hey, Keith, can you not hit on her before we get the check? Thank you very much. We got three for dead?

Yeah, yeah. This is the best restaurant reservation. Dead, party of three. And then Oingo Boingo walks in like, huh? It's a pretty fucking good Oingo Boingo joke, guys. You missed out. He's alive. Oh, yeah.

Well, he's maimed. He's what? Maimed. You gotta say, he's alive. Kinda. He's alive. He's alive. This one may be my favorite.

A man shouted Allah Akbar from his balcony in the Netherlands. Dude, there he does. Dude, there he does. I like that one of you was still excited and the rest of you were like, oh, this one's probably a hate. And everybody else said,

well, he was just trying to get the ICE agents away from Jake. Well, it was the Netherlands. Yes. Cool, man. I don't know. I don't feel like anybody starts shit in the Netherlands, but I could be man. I don't know. I don't feel like anybody starts shit

in the Netherlands, but I could be stupid. It seems like Europe is pretty not thrilled. Well, they've got good health care there. I bet he lived. Yeah, so he died

and they just cured it. That's how good the health care is in Europe. Hey, I know you're new here, Timmy, but we don't really do hard-hitting social commentary on this podcast.

This is more of a take a movie that a rapist was in and make a pun podcast. I am not sure what they're doing. I think it's terrible that people should die from their dumbass accidents. If we were socialists, we'd definitely be

playing a bigger venue for sure. We're mostly just like, what if you came, I don't know, like the Doritos, and we'll do 10 minutes about that. This is my favorite kind of conner-up where he just starts taking apart the concept of the thing we built. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. I forgot we're failing. Thanks for paying. That is a good point. They got the socialized medicine, but also, I mean, people really, I don't know if you guys know, people really don't like Muslims, so...

They're not thrilled on it. I'm going to say he's probably dead. I might have shot him a couple times. I think he's probably dead. Dead, dead. I don't know why he had an escalator on his balcony. Alive. Alive. Okay, he is alive, but there's a dead dog. Yes, I win!

His dog is dead! Fucking killed that dog. Explain yourself. We gotta get into the fucking main issue. We found the one white lady who hates dogs. I didn't think you missed it. I just love winning. I love winning. I love winning. Explain yourself. We gotta get into the fucking main issue. We found the one white lady who hates dogs.

I don't think you missed it. Yeah, I just love winning. They rushed his apartment. It was a police dog. He fucking stabbed it. Oh, shit. I wasn't gonna leave out that detail. You have to mean it when you stab somebody, too. You gotta mean it.

Yeah, when you stab someone's dog? That's down here. You gotta crouch.. Yeah, when you stab someone's dog, because that's down here. Yeah, yeah. You gotta crouch. It's weird to stab something on your knees. Yeah. You know? Like if you're playing with a kid,

and then you shant. It's like, just not... It's like, the national anthem's bad. Also, fuck this dog. Multitasking. I got another one, but it's a bummer. I like that one. I just wonder where a dog got stabbed.

Get ready to shout, guys. Alright. A man did cocaine and fentanyl, then went to sleep before his baby did. Did they die? Trick question. He just dropped a new album yesterday. Did which one die? Oh, no.

Which one are you talking about? Tom Tybrow just hit the ceiling. That baby is dead. I gotta figure I feel like he just rolled over on the baby and crushed it to death. Somehow the baby got into the fentanyl and then looked up and saw his dad crawling on the ceiling. I think the dude died

and baby lived. I'm going to flip it. I don't think babies should have fentanyl unless they're on the same airplane as me. And then... To be fair, fentanyl does sound like a baby form. That was a nice Tim Allen joke I just did for everybody. I think the baby's probably dead and the guy's alive. That is correct!

Yay! Ty! I hate losing! You came in at the wrong time! Let me catch you up. Tom's not bright, Morgan Freeman's a rapist And that baby's dead Also a dude with a walker Made it here before you

Maybe learn how to Call an Uber in the city You guys, that was it for the If They Die One more time for Tim and Leslie Thank you so much Sorry for being such a piece of shit We're going to keep the show rock and roll And your next meeting coming to the stage Did they die? One more time for Taylor Hasley. Thank you so much. Sorry for being such a piece of shit. We're going to keep the show rock and rolling.

Your next meeting coming to the stage is another very funny treat for you guys. Absolutely love watching this. You guys are going to really enjoy it. Everyone, please clap real loud right now for John Toll, motherfuckers. John Toll, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for John Toll, everybody. Thank you. Hi.

Hey, how are you? There's another one. Here comes Connor. Tom is still at large. What's Tom doing? Hi, Tom. How are you? I'mlle, everybody. Thank you. Hey, how are you? There goes Connor. Tom is still at large. What's Tom doing? Hi, Tom. How are you? I'm like, oh, 30 seconds, and then I watch both mean boys disappear.

Can you move your stool? My mic's trapped. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Get it together, 99 cents for Big Jay Oakerson. Yeah, give it up, man who's probably my father. If it was true, you'd have better musical taste. Damn, shots fired. Wait, is your name Mark?

Hang on, you're wearing a Pantera sweater. You do not get an opinion. Yes, I do. All white people are great. Your entire body just looks like the message board at a coffee shop in a bad neighborhood. You look like Larry the Cable Guy's cable guy. Your entire body just looks like the message board at a coffee shop in a bad neighborhood. That's true. You look like Larry the Cable Guy's cable guy. John, just to point blank,

how many vans have you shit in? At least six. The ones I'm wearing? The one I live in. You're so creepy, those shoes are windowless vans. God damn. Well, you guys, we got one more game before we wrap the show up. We've done it live.

We've done it a couple times on the show. It's one of my favorites to write. There's a little game we call Price Check, everybody. Whoop, whoop. The enthusiasm for the segment's waning as the show goes on. You're like, fucking whatever, fatty. You're making a face right now that's just... Yeah, this was a bad Tinder date.

Had you ever heard the show before? Oh, okay, yeah, that explains it. He's gay, he's fat, I'm fat and gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the way this works is I go through the internet, I price out some things, just some random things. No reason they should be together. And you guys have to guess which one is more expensive.

So let's start easier. Let's start easy. Which of these costs more? The net worth of David Duke, Grand Wizard of the KKK, or the amount Roseanne got paid for the season of her show that just got canceled? Ooh, it's got to be Roseanne. She made money.

Yeah, but David Duke has more money because he's only ever had to have one outfit. Yeah, but the amount you're spending on bleach alone. Yeah, keep those things clean. Everyone knows fashion icon Roseanne blows all her cash at the Gucci store where she gets those dirty flannels and still has some of Kurt Cobain's brain matter

in the fucking pockets. Blows all her money on various tents. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, I gotta go with that. How come the only one that can complete a contract is Courtney Love then? Oh, shit.

Because she's the Suge Knight of grunge music. I tweeted that a couple months ago. I like that. Great. I just didn't want anybody to call me out for it later. Who would have possibly been mad at you? Me, on the inside, I'll tell you that. I'm going to go...

Wait, you said the lifetime money for Duke guy? His total net worth or just the amount she got paid for this season of Roseanne. What's his total rope worth? Because that's one thing. I feel like that man is rich in rope. Oh, boy. I'm saying Mr. Duke. All right.

I didn't go to eight years of clan college to be called Mr. Duke. Mr. Mr. Duke Mr. Duke sounds like the name of a shitty dog that's in a cartoon Mr. Duke did one season on the CW in 94 I'm not going to call him Duke I don't want it to be casual with that guy I thought he was going to be like a grand wizard

that's that guy on the Avengers who does the spooky hands yeah the fucking racist nukem whatever his name is. Alright, so you're going David Duke. John, your thoughts? I'm also going David Duke. It seems like he would have more money. Okay. David, Roseanne.

Correct answer, Roseanne. Roseanne made 2.25 million. David Duke has 1.2 million dollars. Holy shit, David Duke has a million dollars. That's too much money for both of them. Agreed. I thought it was going to be less for both of them. Well, Tom just figured out what the game is.

Tom's like, wow, both of those things are bad. You've been on the show for like a year and a half. All right, round number two. As of this morning, which of the following costs more? A Vism bulletproof vest, no armor in it, just the vest harness, or a Columbine sweater? Oh.

The vest? Wait, I have a question. Is it a trench sweater? Bah! Let me just, let me just really quick just, yeah. Nicely done. Woo! I thought it was going to be like a game of bowling or something fun, but you've played this game. You know what

happens here. It's like, you're talking about like the combine hoodie high school Yeah, yeah, like an official. How many people are wearing those non-ironically is what I want to know. Right.

How do you not change the name? Yeah, how many people are just like, oh dude, I'm going to spray paint fucking Anthrax's logo

on the back of this and go to OzFest this weekend as John quietly makes a mental note. Yes, that's right. Well,

no, I want to know, is it an old sweater that they had? It's a current, they're selling it now. They're making new ones. Oh, so they didn't dig it up. Yo! Why can't I ask questions?

This is America! Don't get cut slipping now. Very different song when John does it. This is America. Go somewhere else. I'm so white like, yeah. Hanging in Starbucks, yeah. I'm going to go the vest.

I think the vest is expensive. I'm going to go the non-bulletproof, is expensive. Yeah, I'm going to go the non-bulletproof bulletproof vest. Okay, you've got to be more specific. Will there be... Oh, well, I didn't do it. It's been a while. This is going to be great when they find this podcast on the next guy's phone,

when they're like, okay, what media can we blame? We've done video games and music for years. Podcasting, all right? Yeah, we're the next Matrix. God, though, I hope that guy's a Legion of Skanks fan. I'm pretty sure he's going to be, but I mean, ugh. That's going to be a real-ass moment in American history. Lewis has a jingle for every time that guy shoots up.

You guys don't listen to their show. Yeah, we are referencing other podcasts that you will like even less that you already don't like what's happening now. Yeah. All right. The correct answer is the don't like what's happening now. Yeah. All right. The correct answer is the column on my Twitter is $39.99,

the bulletproof vest $15.99. Oh. Whoa. Yeah, big markup. It's almost like there's a lot of demand for them. All right. I promise this one

is less of a bummer. All right? This is the Things That Keep Tom Goss Alive edition. Which costs more? This will be less of a bummer for me.

30 Prozac pills or 30 pints of Ben and Jerry's. Oh, we're like street value of Prozac? It is uninsured Prozac from a doctor. Oh, uninsured? Uninsured 10 milligram Prozac. I did a lot of research. Does the Prozac work for McDonald's? Uninsured Prozac is a band whose shirt is hanging in John's closet. Yeah, yeah, I gotta insure my Prozac in case it gets...

Well, this is honestly the place where Prozac will get stolen. It's just a bunch of fucking sad people that live in the fringes of society. How is this one me? Conor's Prozac, you're Ben and Jerry's. I have nothing to do with this one. Yeah. What costs more, 25 Zoloft or 25 Hurricanes from 7-Eleven?

Which Keith regularly smokes like a cigar. Like he's the Ron White of not having a foot soon. Me and him are going to be the red no-nack kings of comedy. I'm going to go uninsured Prozac. I'm going to go uninsured Prozac for me, too. I mean, I've got to go ice cream, dude. That's right. All right.

The ice cream is $164.70. The uninsured Prozac, $222.05. Yeah. Nice job. All right. You guys ready for the nerdiest burn I've ever done? Yes. Here it comes.

This is one about things that make bombs. Which one costs more, the Manhattan Project or the budget of the DC Cinematic Universe? Oh, shit. I pushed up glasses I wasn't even wearing when I wrote that. That'll show you, Snyder. Is this accounting for inflation? Sure.

Fucking probably. Be cool, man. Everyone's favorite part about the podcast is when I do facts checking. Shut up. Call John Fatt again. Was that racism in MLA format? That pun about how black

people are bad is not a proper noun. There should be a hyphen after spear before that. You should have a footnote with just your foot saying bye to you. I thought of the best new name that I'm not even going to do this because I might forget to edit it out. But if you want to hear it, I'll whisper it in your ear on the way out. That is upsetting. You know what? but if you want to hear it, I'll whisper it in your ear on the way out. That is upsetting.

You know what? I don't want to hear it. I want Tom to hear it. Yeah, we're going to fucking clockwork Orange's eyes open while I just do jokes at it. Knock, knock, Tom. I'm going to say the DC Cinematic Universe. Okay.

I don't... What do you think, John? What the hell was that? I don't know. I'm being a... This is hosting, right? You made so many sounds and not one of them

was a word. Did the Three Stooges just try to move a piano in your mouth? You flew in it? I've gotten laid so I don't know anything about the DC Universe.

Damn, man. Sick burn. Man, you've got a... I know. Take anything about the DC universe Damn, sick burn Man, you've got to take that 20 hundred million Americans 20 hundred million The biggest number there is Sorry, I was just trying to read the scale you're standing on, Keith Because he's fat. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. People who don't like superheroes don't get pussy. Everyone give me a standing ovation now. You already have one. Why are you offended? Unless they make the hormones real strong here, is that? Man, she identifies as wanting a refund for this show. It's your birthday.

It's your birthday. Oh, no. Do you know who we are, or is this just something you got dragged to? She got dragged. She got dragged. Well, happy birthday. Yeah.

We didn't get you anything. Actually, I got some fireworks. Those are mine. Do you want like an M-80 to get the rest of your dick out of the way? What's the deal? Oh man, you gotta blow that stump out of there when you're clearing a forest. Yeah, like we're building a railroad and you're like when Daffy Duck smokes a dynamite cigar. We're just like, tink, tink, tink.

We get a Chinese guy to go light it, and then... That's how railroads were built. I'm putting a spotlight on America's past. Just like John did in that song he released. This is America. Man, I just want to let everybody who's in the back know, it smells outrageous up here. The Manhattan Project was for all the bombs we didn't drop on Japan, right?

And the ones we did. Only those ones were the big part of it. I'll go bomb. All right. What do you think, Dad Rock Kool-Aid Man? Scooter! I'm going with a bomb as well. The bomb wins.

All right. The Manhattan Project, $2 billion. The DC Cinematic Universe, $1 billion. Hey! Bump, bump. Okay. Man. So maybe if women were making the same amount

as some of those male actors, might be a different story, guys. And that's one to sit on. You got booed. I'm trying to do socialism So I can make more money on Patty Alright and the last one And this is my favorite one

Which of the following costs more? A laser disc of the movie Ghost Dad Signed by Bill Cosby Or 60 roofies 60 is such a weird number. I figure you're like, all right, let's do the math here. I want it to be the roofies.

Oh, yeah, it's pretty small. It's the amount he needed. Okay. Oh, do you buy them in like a brick? Do they come in like a fucking... Yeah, those aren't fireworks in that bag. Is there like a bubble tape thing where you peel them out?

Roof by the foot? Like... Squirt the... Wait, no. Snap into a sleep jam. thing where you peel them out? Roof by the foot? Snap into a sleep jam. Damn, dude. Laser disc, signed by Cosby. That's fucking great. I just love how many famous people fuck up and they're just like, here's TV Guide with Roseanne and Cosby on it now.

It's not funny, but I enjoy it. It would be like if you look back and just one of the guys in Friends was Hitler. Joey Chandler Ross Hitler. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know David Schwimmer and Goebbels were bros. Is that the monkey? Oh, no, that's not a monkey.

That is Drake. Could I be following any more orders? I definitely believe the ghost face, whatever thing it was, used to cost more. But I think I'm going to go with the roofies. Okay, we're going with the roofies. Going with the roofies. What was the ghost dad? The movie was called Fiddler on the Roofies.

If I was a bad man. Dude, how have I not tweeted Woody Allen as Fiddler on the Roofie? There are Jews in that movie. If you guys were cultured like me, you might understand this anti-Semitism, but I guess... If you guys are playing bingo,

Connor has referenced his Twitter four times now. That's a bad bingo card. One bingo card where you just put a dot on it every time I'm a piece of shit that just has measles right now. That's a bad bingo card. That's one bingo card where you just put a dot on it every time I'm a piece of shit. It just has measles right now. Yeah, I gotta figure it's the roofies.

Okay. John, your thoughts? You seem like you've bought both of these products. I have. They didn't tell me if the LaserDisc was open when he had signed it, though.

So I don't know. I'm gonna go with the drugs. All right, 60 roofies cost $300. A laser disc of Ghost Dad signed by Bill Cosby costs $309.99. Hey! And that is motherfucking price check, everybody.

That was awesome. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you very much. You guys, that is just about the show. Before we get out of here, though, we're going to play a little game that we play at the end of every one of our live shows. You guys, this is the Tom Goss lightning round. Chug, chug, chug.

We got some shit outside there for sale. If you want some, say hi. If you don't, we don't give a shit. We want to fucking hang out with you guys. We'll find some kind of place to party afterward. We brought a bunch of Mean Boys fans to the club-ass club in Milwaukee, and you've never seen so many dudes

in Macy's superhero T-shirts. Just like eye-fucking women that look like they're in a Drake video. At one point, it was just 30 dudes who look like John Toll staring out a window while I made out with a girl with a boyfriend. That's what Milwaukee was. To that, I say, oops.

If you guys have any, oops. Yeah. All right. So we're going to get into that. And if you guys have any, feel free to shout them out. If you don't know, Tom has a very peculiar way of explaining things. All right? He's called overall shoulder pants. All right? That's what the devil, edgy God, you know, love is horny fear.

And you guys are on fire right now. The energy in here is electric. Well, most of you know what it is. And we've written down a list. He has no idea what's on this list. We're going to throw him at him real fast and see if we can break his tiny mind. You ready, Tom?

Yeah. You guys ready? Mine tiny. There you are. All right, Tom, explain jellyfish. Jellyfish. Slippery net. All right, Tom, Hinduism.

Hinduism. Buddhism, but no cows. Macaroni and cheese. Tube bread. Mario Kart. Mario Kart. Fucking Jesus. Hit the things and win.

An axe. Axe. Oh. An axe. Axe. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, sharp hammer. All right, dude, lumberjacks. Lumberjacks. No, uh, uh, uh, sharp hammer knights. Strip clubs. Strip clubs. Um, uh, uh, uh, let's all get horny and leave.

Aquariums. Oh, um, fish zoos. Enchiladas. Enchiladas. Peace lasagna. Middle school. Middle school. Puberty class.

Grandpas. Oh, double dads. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Middle school. Puberty class. Grandpas. Oh, double dads. Gabe Harris, also double dads. All right, Sangria. Oh, I don't really know what that is, but it's like... Sangria, it's that store where they sell Hello Kitty. I know it's a sublime song, but...

Swing and a miss. I don't drink sangria. I'm not 45. I died from drugs way before that. That was tight. All right, let's move on. Tom, I need you right now to name seven illegal jobs. Oh, hooking.

Okay. Drop dealer. Oh, underground porn. Yeah, you know that mole people porn. You got to go on the dark side of the game. I used to know that mole people, fuck. Yeah, yeah. mole people porn. You gotta go on the dog track. I guess I'm a mole people fuck. Yeah, yeah. Mole people porn.

That's what Tom made. It's like tape. It's mole person porn. I'm drilling you to your core. Dr. Kill You Guys. Assisted Suicide Buddies. Oh, that's when you listen to the Hampton Young's podcast in a wheelchair. Oh, shit.

Oh, Mercenary. It's different. Pirate. And ninja. It's not illegal to be a ninja. It is if you're doing it right. Tom, name seven famous animals. Okay.

Bambi. That lion from the movie that goes ah before fucking you mean the MGM lion? yes okay it goes ah I'm alive do you wanna go out tonight? Chris Mark when he's a zebra

uh uh fucking uh Fido don't know who he is, but he's famous. My dog Spot. Does Pitbull count? Big Bird. Big Bird. That's a puppet, that's a guy.

It's still a bird. Oh, shit. One more. Oh, two of the 101 Dalmatians. Holy shit. Oh, shit, Tom. Name seven kinds of pasta right now. Okay, ravioli.

Spittoon's not one. Spittoon pasta. Ravioli, linguine, not ricotta, fuck. Macaroni, angel hair, lasagna noodles, fuck. Something Italian.

Oh shit, is it manicata something? That's a cheese. That's a cheese? Wait no, I might be wrong. Yeah, we'll go with pasta then. Fuck. Oh, gnocchi. Potato pasta. Don't challenge it.

There's gonna be a guy who'll be, -"Objection, sir." -"Objection, sir." All right, Doug, right now, name seven people you could beat in a fight. Okay, Connor, Keith. Uh... Uh... You're playing it on the wrong line.

Uh, uh, um, uh, shit. Any of those strip club dudes. Keith. You played it on the wrong line. Shit. Any of those strip club dudes. Stephen Hawking. My little brother. My dad, because he's sick. Oh, shit.

Fuck. Oh, did you? oh, shit. Uh, uh, fuck. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh, did you? Yeah, I did. I love when the truck gets involved. That was very sweet of you. Thank you. Tom, name seven tragedies. Okay.

Uh, 9-11. Uh, Columbine. Uh, uh, fuck. Okay, um, uh, oh, the, the, when they, when you dropped the thing on Japan. Columbine. Okay. Oh, we dropped the thing on Japan. We just did five minutes about it. Okay, Manhattan drop, whatever. When that guy shot up the business meeting

where you live or whatever. San Bernardino. Yeah, there we go. Our show in Fort Wayne. When Vegas had country music. I was kind of hoping he'd go with fake ones like McDonald's, serving breakfast all day. That's what I was trying to team up with.

I didn't know that that was what we were supposed to do. When they blow up the Death Star. My bird died. There you go, Chip. That's what I was trying to tell you about. Oh, I didn't know that that was what we were supposed to do. When they blow up the Death Star. Okay. My bird died. There you go, Chip. When Keith overslept his flight. Nobody knows that happened. That was a good one, guys. We're going to close on a better one than that.

Tom, name seven things that explode. Okay. Bombs. Fireworks. Firecrackers. Me. Okay, bombs, fireworks, firecrackers, me, potato cannons, grenades. Is that a buff Irish guy, potato cannons? Yeah, grenades, bazookas, and mines when you step on them. And that one federal building that one time.

Oh, hang on a minute. Yo. I need you to not try and hand me a copy of the Turner paper. All right, we got to go out on something big. Does anyone have any Tom Lightning rounds they got to hear? Seven mental disorders. Done. Okay, depression, anxiety, major depression. B. Okay. Depression. Anxiety.

Major depression. Bipolar. Bipolar 2. Schizophrenia. Borderline personality disorder. Boom. Indigestion. Diarrhea.

I saw bipolar 2, but I didn't see the first one. All right. And just for fun, how about name seven pedophiles? Oh, check. Okay. Michael Jackson. Woody Allen. Michael Jackson when he was black. Alright, and just for fun, how about name seven pedophiles? Oh, JK. Michael Jackson. Woody Allen. Michael Jackson when he was black.

Oh, the American Bad Guy. He meets Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey. American Bad Guy. I speak dipshit. American Bad Guy. That's the movie they made about you getting fired from the grocery store. Ah, shit. Ah, famous ones.

Gotta think of famous ones. Why did Sound of Silence just start playing? My neighbor when we lived in Vegas. Ah, fuck. Ah, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Shit. A jock jam for remembering a pedophile? Oh, oh, oh, Kelly.

I believe I can fly. Oh, I'm a fucking bad guy. I speak dipshit. I'm a freakin' bad guy. I speak dipshit. I'm a freakin' bad guy. I speak dipshit. I'm a freakin' bad guy. I speak dipshit. I'm a freakin' bad guy. I speak dipshit. A jock jam for remembering a pedophile? Oh, Kelly.

I believe I can fly. Oh, shit. How many do I have left? Two. Okay. A guy who touched me. That's the Meat Boys podcast, everybody. You guys are awesome.

Thank you so much for coming. Come hang out. We come back to show the same way every week. On the count of three, I want to shout, fuck everything, God is dead. All right, one, two, three. Fuck everything, God is dead. Thank you.