Mean Boys - EP 133 - Sugar Progeny (feat. Andrew Polk)

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

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Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys podcast with Andrew Polk today. Holy shit, this is a fun one. Yeah, the Colin Kaepernick of making bad sports jokes. Yeah, really took a knee on the windpipe of human decency. No, he stood so we could walk, and then we marched so that I think Owen Benjamin could get back on Twitter. I don't know exactly how the thing breaks down, but he was fantastic. And yeah, we do address the controversy in the middle, but we just hang out and have a good time. Yeah.

Yeah, fucking hey, guess what? We're only 99 iTunes reviews away. Getting my mom on the goddamn show. 99 iTunes reviews. That's a fucking bad bit. Yeah, my mom's going to do Mean Boys if you guys leave 99 more iTunes reviews. That's bananas to me. I really love this one where this guy

just put five stars and then he said, the Mean Boys podcast tells a story of and then he just copy and pasted the summary of the yugioh anime into it like just complete with like like full like notations and shit so yeah that's pretty funny good itunes review bit you know a lot of times i make fun of your itunes reviews you're like wow it's like edgy but they still like each other and i'm like oh fuck you guys but this that that is a that's a grade a stuff man you should be proud of yourself yeah and it only takes a second. You know what else only takes a second?

Entering your credit card information into patreon.com slash meanboys. Ooh, what a segue. Where for $5 a month, you get weekly bonus content. B-b-b-b-bonus. Yeah, $10 a month, weekly goodies. M-m-m-m-merch. Weekly. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, what? Oh, wait, monthly goodies. Monthly goodies. M-m-m-m-weekly. I think I keep saying weekly goodies. Yeah, it's not weekly goodies. It's barely even monthly goodies. Yeah, if you thought you were supposed to be getting things weekly, I'm very sorry.

Oh, yeah, yeah. But we do not make that kind of money. No, so yeah, we're doing a window decal of us pissing on Tom this month, I think. Yeah. That's all. That's what we're working on. We're getting that drawn up. And it's important to know that we had that idea and never once had, hey, Tom, you think

this is a great idea? Oh, yeah, I guess we didn't. Sorry. What was like, look, we're doing a Calvin peeing. Someone's got to be getting peed on one two three doesn't live here as much i think it'd be kind of just funny just like symmetrically for you guys to pee on me because it's going to be a tall guy and a short guy peeing on another short guy you know that is a fair point yeah we'll see we'll see how far along the design process is maybe maybe i'll take the pee bullet yeah that's unrealistic to the show look at this way i've never jerked off

to the idea of peeing on you. So it would be more in keeping with the spirit. Yeah, so give us your money. Because when we get to $2,000, we're doing another Snark Week. Seven fucking podcasts in seven days. What's seven bonuses? It's 14 podcasts. Oh, yeah, it's 14 podcasts in seven days.

So, yeah, if you want to hear me, be cranky again. Yeah, cranky is an understatement. If you want me to have to re-up my Zoloft like I did the last time we did Snark Week. Yeah, basically, we all went into a near-life-ending spiral of negativity to produce some pretty okay content. Yes, to do some of our most mediocre podcasts.

Yeah, to put out, like, two great, two bad, and three other episodes. Yeah, so yeah, go do that. And if I can fill out our tour sheet, if you guys want us to come to your town. Guess what? We want to go too, but we need to know where you live. So just pop over to the Twitter. It's in the bio.

It's in the show notes. It's everywhere. And just let us know the closest major market you're going to come out to, how many friends you have, and whether or not we can sleep on your couch. And we'll start planning that next big tour. Yeah. We are very excited for fucking the next tour. The last one was super fun.

We want to do this. Also, we do mention later in the show that we want you guys to send in amateur porn. Please do that. Yeah, yeah. That's completely sincere. It's a call forward. The Mean Boys' Horny Summer is alive and kicking. Yeah, so...

I might not watch your porn. Tom's going to watch your porn. Yeah, Tom is not a team player, and we will be having a company meeting about his attitude after this intro. We are going to Ludovico his ass in that shitty chair, and we're going to make him watch you get fucked weird. You can't even put me in a cage. Speaking of fucking Tom watching things, he's making vlogs on YouTube.

Go subscribe to our YouTube channel. I'm going to wait until it hits 1,000 before I make the subscribers public, because I feel like anything less than that is embarrassing. But we're getting there, so just go fucking tap the button. We just put up the episodes and vlogs, and we don like flood you with like, hey guys, Tuesday thoughts. Connor here. You know, this whole thing about Twitter, it's like, what are we even, it's just funny stuff.

Yeah, and here's the thing. If you guys actually go over there and subscribe and let us know it's something you'd be interested in, we will put more shit on it. Yeah. Like the more stoked you guys are on anything, the more we'll do it.

No, we're cleaning out the studio. We're trying to get cameras in here and all that shit. Yeah, we've got a lot of fun plans. Get over on the subreddit. You guys have turned that into an oddly thriving petri dish of weirdness. Yeah, it really is where it's just like,

who's up and wants to talk about Battlestar? Shout out to the very involved fucking role-playing campaign that's going on about the Battle Royale thing we talked about. I still want to read that. I've only read the first chunk of it, but it's pretty funny. They've really captured mine and Keith Ray's voice in a

very real way. So go over there, get involved in that. The man who controls the coconuts controls the island. Now when I achieve mastery and I build a blimp out of several fronds. So yeah, I could do that. Follow us on the social media platforms and that's just

about it uh for now all the business is out of the way sit back relax and enjoy this week's episode of mean boys with andrew poke Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Hope is the lubrication for disappointment to fuck you with. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Andrew Polk. And I'm... Somehow a smugger Bo Burnham.

I didn't know it was possible. It hurts, man. I was trying to rebut, and I was like... Man, I got nothing. But instead of being able to play the piano, I just call you guys fat. I'm not even like, you know, he actually is a good singer. It's like, yeah, he just kind of does like, what if this Pokemon was Puerto Rican, you know? It's the canvas of what you work is calling us fat gay or fat and gay.

Yeah, you know, some people have to work with pastels or charcoals. Me, I like to go with the childish taunts. That's my medium. Andrew Polk Jones is in the studio. Huzzah. Hello. Yeah. Yeah.

Should I have said I'm gay? Oh, fuck. Oh, I'm retarded in Mexican steel. All right. I love that this is what you think the show i've never listened to the show i'm sorry no it's fine i think you have a much edgier cooler idea of what it is okay oh no we are going to use what you just said as a sound bite on the internet oh that's fine oh man now the internet will be really mad at you yeah yeah not like before when everything was great

yeah um so the hey dude uh i'm here on behalf of the woke community to tell you that you're canceled, Andrew. You have been canceled. Roseanne got canceled. A lot of people think I write for Roseanne. I only write her tweets. Hey, you're doing tweets on the show now. Giving a raise for that.

This is what's funny, is when all that shit went down, my first thought wasn't even like, oh, no, Andrew, of like oh good for him he's getting press yeah yeah oh wow getting called out is the new getting a cso pilot oh yeah i'm uh no honestly you know what if like you ever wanted to get into races podcasting you have the perfect opportunity right now you could be you could be doing like owen benjamin numbers on patreon within a month i have a gas digital business card i can give you right now yeah uh you already have the now. You could be doing Owen Benjamin numbers on Patreon within a month if you just leaned into it. I have a gas digital business card I can give

you right now. Yeah, you already have the haircut. That's number one. I recently got the Nazi haircut for our listeners at home, which I guess are all of the listeners now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah, there's just a guy in the ceiling. Yeah, yeah. The listeners could be at work, huh guys?

They live at the factory they work at. That's the great thing about podcasts. You can listen to them anywhere. You're really climbing the bar with that one. You guys, there's electricity in the room right now. This is the best episode we've ever done. All right. We'll discuss Andrew's crimes against humanity more during our middle segment.

But for now, let's get into the Mexican joke off, King. Oh, hell yeah. Ay, so topical. Drama, stroma, stroma, stroma. humanity more during our middle segment. But for now, let's get into the Mexican joke-off game. Ay, so topical. Drama, strama, strama, strama. Alright, guys. A Florida man was caught stealing a car with a monkey in a diaper. Upon seeing the news, Keith's mom's new husband said, so this is how I find out you're cheating on me?

Wait, the monkey was in the diaper or the lady? The monkey was in the diaper. It was a guy and there was a monkey in a diaper on some speed racer shit just clinging to him. He got charged with first degree whimsy. Pixar founder John Lasseter is leaving the company after allegations of sexual misconduct. Find out more in the upcoming film Rat-a-Me-Too-y. Yeah. You just looked mad at me.

I am. You're very good. You have a lot of empathy, Keith. You made a pun. I was empathetic about that. Oh, no. You really know how to pick up on my moods. Oh, I got a pun.

Should I do the pun one? You're very intuitive. I'll do the pun one. Heinz Ketchup is trying to put an end to the cops shutting down kids' lemonade stands. The cops are beginning to realize that they're dicks, but hindsight is 20-20. First of all, kill yourself. Is this like a genuine problem? The cops are trading lemonade stands?

Yes, the cops keep shutting down lemonade stands. Is that for real? Yes. Apparently, there's a lot of all those curly mustache festivals where they... I'm going to go ahead and stop you right there. What do you think you mean? Like Bonnaroo or something? Sure.

I'll let you know at the Pride Parade. Like a hot air balloon festival? Welcome to Tying Women to Railroad Tracks Con 2018. Whiplash Con. All those summer festivals where there's a bunch of dudes with curly mustaches. It's Mason Jar Fest. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. They sell hot dogs and craft beer and whatnot.

And people who sell lemonade keep calling the cops on these unlicensed kids' lemonade stands. The cops have to go in and shut them down because technically they're unlicensed. Oh, okay. I mean, I kind of love that. I'm starting to wonder if I've been to a festival before. Yeah, I know. These shrewd lemonade dealers of love that. I'm starting to wonder if I've been to a festival before. Yeah, I know. These shrewd lemonade dealers of Coachella. I feel like you're just talking about one of those, like, oh, me and I saw it in the Sunday paper, and my wife's been kind of a cunt.

So I took her and I got her a bratwurst and a fancy iced tea. So now we can have half-hearted sex while the kids are asleep kind of event. Like the Lemon Festival in Upland is a thing like that from where I'm from. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Do you see many lemonade stands during that festival? At the Lemon Festival? Ipland is a thing like that from where I'm from. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you see many lemonade stands during that festival? At the Lemon Festival?

I got to figure probably. Yeah. I think there was a couple. On license from children? I don't think he's checking the documentation on the fucking lemonade cart, dude. You're not doing it right. Yeah. When you have the haircut of me and Andrew, you don't go around requesting papers for

things. Man, how bad of a town did you grow up in where the Lemon Festival was? Like, that's the best fruit they could have a festival for. No, this was... I love lemons. Chino has the Demolition Derby and that's it. How bad of a town did you grow up in where the Lemon Festival was? That's the best fruit they could have a festival for. Chino has the Demolition Derby, and that's it. The Lemon Festival was like a 25-minute drive up a mountain. The best thing Chino can do is ruin part of Chino. Yeah, yeah.

The Demolition Derby is like a de facto high school reunion, basically. It's just like once a year, it's like, oh, yeah, Kenny's still working down at the fucking AutoZone. Nice. I went to the Demolition Derby at the OC Fair a couple years ago. It was an RV Demolition Derby. It was just the white trashiest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. And it was great because our section, our car won.

They turned it into some weird Medieval Times Mad Max situation. I got the blue deadbeat dad. Oh, I got the green one. So we all got free tickets to go see Blue Oyster Cult that night. Oh, what? You saw Blue Oyster Cult? And they were pretty good. I actually like Blue Oyster Cult. go see Blue Oyster Cult that night. Oh, what? You saw Blue Oyster Cult? And they were pretty good. I actually like...

I love Blue Oyster Cult. But it was so funny because if you're Blue Oyster Cult, you have two songs that anybody gives you. Right. That's also true. Yeah, Don't Fear the Reaper and Godzilla. Oh, and Burning for You. I guess.

But the point is, you close... Cities in Flame. Look, they're actually a good band. Yeah, they're a good band. Thank you. But I'm saying, look, for the county fair audience, they're coming for two. Right. You know what I mean? Sure.

And you think you got to close with Don't Fear the Reaper, but they played in the middle of the set, and then you just watched 1,000 people leave while they continued playing for 30 more minutes to, like, 40 people. They probably did that on purpose so it was easier for them to get their cars and leave after they played. That actually makes a ton of sense. Yeah. It's like, hey, guys, we know that Lost is new tonight, so here's

the one you came to see. Yeah, the funniest part was Foghat opened for them and they just played Slow Ride twice. Oh, dude, I would rather see Foghat. That would be cool. Dude, Foghat sucks. Foghat is great, dude. Nah, they were bad at being Foghat. Foghat just makes me want to put a cigarette out of my son.

This is what they do at Demolition Derbies? They play Classic Rock? Well, no, it was at the fair, but they have like a big concert thing there. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, fairs. Fairs have lemonade stands.

Fairs are ruining the kids' lemonade stands. What the fuck? Okay, Andrew, you're up. It's news. Yeah, I've never, have I seen someone look more stoked in my life.

Don't worry, this will be bad enough that we'll all get back to riffing. A Connecticut woman was shocked when after experiencing abdominal pain for several months doctors found and removed 132 pound tumor from the woman's ovaries 132 pound tumor if this woman had been in texas they would have had to remove it

at just a few ounces it's an abortion joke yeah it's a long road to it when i heard 132 pound tumor i'm like oh that's if only it was a 245 pound tumor this would be a great keith carey joke but alas man that i think that says everything you need to know about the south is that you could just have 132 pounds of extra cancer and not notice oh yeah you fit right in a cracker barrel oh yeah they're like we'll give you one of those weird like elastic leg bands to keep your like fucking extra packed in. You ever see someone where they just have elephantitis of one leg, and they gotta just put rubber bands on it

so they can get in the fucking little hover round? Yeah, there was a guy that came to open mics here for a while, and he had one of those elephant legs. Oh, yeah, yeah. One time I saw that guy drink an egg. It was very upsetting. Wait, what? I think he just ordered two poached eggs.

Oh, yeah, Norms, I was there. Like some kind of like Roman fucking counselor. Then he lost a bunch of weight and tried to pull a power move by very publicly trying to give me his old fat guy shirts. Oh really? Yeah.

But then he also got popped for being kind of a rapist. So like, I won. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Boy, who would have seen that one coming with that guy? Yeah, exactly. May also got popped for being kind of a rapist, so I won. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Boy, who would have seen that one coming with that guy? Yeah, exactly. Fucking mayonnaise beanbag chair. It's nice to know somebody's soul can be as gross as the rest of them. I was at a mic once in like miles from a Taco Bell, and he showed up with just... I love this story.

Satchels of the Dorito tacos, which had just come out at the moment. Satchels Of the Of the Dorito tacos Which had just come out At the moment Satchels And he's trying to give them To these people In the bar

That aren't even comedians Or part of it And they just see You know This grimace Like the worst cigarette girl Of all time Or is it Newport

Anyone want a Newport He did look like The human grimace Yeah he's just White grimace Oh dude yeah That was my favorite Kurtzman Kurtzman album Was White Grimace White Grimace. Yeah, he's just White Grimace. Oh, dude, yeah, that was my favorite Kurtzman, Kurt Mesker album

was White Grimace. White Grimace is also Connor's resting face. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about this. In my neighborhood. I'm glad that guy was a rapist because I just didn't like him before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he wanted too many

inspiring points for getting a weight loss surgery. And it's like, I'm not proud of you for having health insurance, dude. That just means that you weren't grinding on our level. All right, bro. Well, that's like a weird thing of like fucking, I don't know, like when you're a super fat guy who just gets down to like normal fat. Like, that's cool. Like, congratulations.

You didn't really overcome adversity. You just stopped making the same bad decision yeah unless you can like base jump with your extra skin get the fuck out of my face like rocky the flying squirrel exactly yeah yeah and now here's something no woman will enjoy yeah unless you can unless you can put a gopro on what used to be your main boob and get shared in an upworthy post then i don't really i'm not going to clap for you every time you walk up the fucking stairs uh a bra A Brazilian man died after having his penis bitten off by a shark.

Upon seeing the news, Keith's mom's new husband said, so this is how I find out you're cheating on me? God damn it, you faggot. I get the sinking feeling there's going to be three more of these. Yeah, your mom is both a shark and a monkey in a diaper. My mom's a lot of stress. She wears a lot of hats.

Judges are deliberating on whether to deport a Mexican pizza, fuck shit. Judges are deliberating on whether to deport a Mexican pizza delivery boy. His lawyer says the judge must deliver a verdict in 30 minutes or less, or his client is free. I like this. That's cute. They're not all horrible. They're not all about sharks and dicks and cancer. What do you got for that one, Kevin Eubanks?

The Washington Capitals have won the Stanley Cup. If you want more lack of talent achieving more than they should, pledge to our Patreon. Damn it. I don't know why you thought that was going to crush you. I thought it was going to get a ha ha ha move on. The problem is that we're

not achieving more than we should. And also, you know definitively we know nothing about hockey save what you have screamed at us on various grounds across America. But the fans will get it. There's a lot of – there's a big hockey mean boys over there. We do have a weird, like, hockey fan. Well, I mean, our fans are ugly, and that's who hockey markets to. Hey, hockey's beautiful.

You know, you can – did you get hit by your dad until your eyes are, like, on eyes are on different planes of your face? Fucking pick up some skates, slugger. You can do something with your life. You're a violent white idiot with illusions of muscles. Why not hockey? Yeah, yeah. You don't have air conditioning.

Come down to the rink. See how arrogant they sound, guys? See how they just misunderstood? Yeah, because we're better than you. We're badminton fans, okay? That's our sport. Dude, me and Andrew, we should just be badminton commenters. We could be like the two...

The bad boys of badminton commentary. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. There probably is, unfortunately, a market for that. It's called the badminton players' faggots. It's like, who would argue with us, one, but also... Ooh, that'd be fun to just do some MXC shit, but also... Ooh, that'd be fun to just, like, do, like, some, like, MXC shit,

but just with, like, rich people sports. You two look like you met at a squash competition. Not the sport, like you were growing... The festival, the squash festival next to the lemon festival. Oh, yeah, squash fest. Call the cops on all those kids trying to sell squash at their house.

Illegal squash juice. Yeah. Juice tints or whatever. Hey, guys, welcome to the 2018 squash pit. It's your turn to bomb. I wasn't going to subject myself to that since I'm the guest. Oh, okay. Well, nice. I don't know what you want me to do.

No, I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, that's fine. So you didn't write more jokes? I do. They're just not squash related. You don't have to do them if you don't know what you want me to do. No, I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, that's fine. So you didn't write more jokes? I do. They're just not squash-related. Okay. You don't have to do them if you don't want to. After releasing the music videos Chun-Li and Party Tings, critics have accused Nicki Minaj of appropriating Asian culture.

When asked for a statement, Nicki said, Ooh, me so sorry. Yeah, it's a scene here crouching while smoking a cigarette in a casino And her chimaera is just under fire Alright guys Glad you did it A six year old girl cured her autoimmune disease With donkey milk

Related story, scientists announced that Keith's mom's back Is expected to live for 200 years God damn it Donkeys pull out when they fuck your mom They're like, I don't want to get this bitch pregnant. All right. I'm a donkey, not an idiot. You make a mule that comes out chain smoking.

Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. Donald Trump is considering a posthumous pardon for boxing legend Muhammad Ali. In a statement, the president said, in light of all his contributions to American culture, the White House is prepared to forgive Mr. Ali for being black. I do love that this has become Donald Trump's weird new thing where he's just pardoning all these dead people. People that whistled at white women.

Yeah, well, he's really trying to get everyone comfortable with the word pardon so when he just goes, me now, we're all kind of okay with it. Eventually there's going to be a black president trying to court the white vote and he'll pardon you, Andrew. He'll be like, his account has been inactive for years after the suicide, but we're going to put the blue checkmark back. President Barkley. Yeah, yeah. Adam Ty Brown was telling me that Trump has this, like, immigration guy who's this, like, black Republican dude.

And he's like, he thinks he has, like, a sneaky plan to try to convince black America that Mexicans are making their lives terrible. And he's like, it might work. It sounded pretty interesting. I want to read about it. But yeah, I think this is definitely phase one of that plan, is hang out with Kim Kardashian, quote tweet Kanye, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I do love that Donald Trump's immigration policy is kind of just turning into Helter

Skelter at this point. Yeah, a little bit. Beatles songs. Fucking goon. A mother tried to revive her daughter by lighting her on fire after accidentally drowning her. Geesh, what a terrible cook. What? She's bad at cooking, dude.

Yeah, I got it. You dumbass, you don't even get the jokes. Fire in the wall, yeah, yeah. Tom's shit is just like a tone palm where it's just like, here's the idea of words, and it never goes where you think it's going to go. Ah, it's more the idea of an idea of words. Starbucks has announced...

I'm rolling into it. You've already gotten the rhythm of what we do. Starbucks has announced they will be closing all stores mid-afternoon on May 29th for racial bias training. Stores in LA and New York will be offering PowerPoint presentations, questions and answers, and guest speakers. While locations in the South will just

be showing employees photos of black people in suits. Number one, that's amazing. Number one, that's amazing. Number two, you made a joke when we were talking about this, like the joke off where you're like, well, I guess I'm going to whip out the old Colbert packet. And I thought you were joking until I realized you just said May 29th. Oh, yeah. I've got a Star Wars Day joke in here, too. Oh, wow.

I love it. I love that you found the only way to give less of a shit than not doing it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, I meant Keith's fat. There you go, champ. On June 9th, whatever today. I'll hold up a newspaper like a hostage while I call you a faggot. Keith's fat, and it's the first week of summer.

Yeah, Andrew's next bit is like, all right, so then Jon Stewart comes out, and then we do a whole thing. Okay, guys. People lined up in droves to buy the first thousand flamethrowers from Elon Musk's new boring company. The event was described as like when the new Yeezys come out, but for people with Futurama tattoos. I can't imagine a more obnoxious gathering. No, yeah, than anything Elon Musk. Oh, I would rather be trapped in Doctor Who con for eternity. And you're dressed as the flying spaghetti monster. Oh, I would rather I would rather like be like trapped in Doctor Who con for eternity. And you're dressed as the flying spaghetti monster.

Oh. Hell yeah. This guy, the guy who just looks for any excuse to wear that costume is like, dude, I use so much lucite building this thing.

I got to fucking get some I didn't buy these fucking pipe cleaners to not be the flying spaghetti monster. Oh, man, dude. If you got a flying spaghetti monster

piece of merchandise in your life, kill yourself. It is genuinely the worst. Like, I would rather see a I don't care for blacks bumper sticker than a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Yeah, a Confederate flag is like, okay, well, this guy's probably got some good stories, at least. You know, this guy would probably be fun to talk to for me at a bar. Right. And I'm a cunty atheist, but it's just like, dog. Yeah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster

you're taking both looks stupid and represents that you are stupid. Yeah, it's like the Volcom symbol, but for people who, you know,

work in a cubicle and take themselves too seriously. I didn't know you guys spent so much time reading bumper stickers. What else are you going to do in traffic?

Think. Try not to think. I think the Cleveland show, the best, one of my favorite jokes of all time is from the cleveland show i do love that we're like yeah man you're stupid you're intellectually silly anyway the cleveland show yeah dude that's what you call the drew gary show uh carry you'll find i know that the joke is like, you've got to stop texting while you're driving. And then the young teenage daughter just goes, driving's boring. I think about that every time I say to text while I'm driving. I'm like, it is boring.

Yeah. You are a terrifying driver, though, to be fair. I'm super good at driving. No, you're really bad at it. Oh, well, at least I'm not too afraid to do it because I'm a bitch. All right, well. At least I've crashed zero cars. Oh, yeah. Well, you've not too afraid to do it because I'm a bitch. At least I've crashed zero cars. Oh, yeah. Well, you've only been

a tremendous burden to everyone in your life. Oh, sorry. I reign dominant over both of you right now. I guess. Yeah, this is the one. You're the Dale Earnhardt Jr. I also read more than you guys, I think. We read more bumper stickers, checkmate.

A girl asked me what I was reading the other day, like a girl that was flirting with me, and I was like, I read it. I literally was like, I don't remember. I can't even think of a book I can pretend to have read. The Anarchist Cookbook? The Title of Porn? I read that article about

when they caught the Silk Road guy three years ago, and that was pretty long. So that was the closest thing to a book. I've just been reading ass tattoos. Oh, yeah. Tom gave a girl abortion money, and then she used it on a Cheeks Ahoy ass tattoo. Not even for his baby. It was just for some other guy's baby.

I was just trying to be nice. I was also pretty suicidal. I was going to kill myself anyway. But then you're like, why not kill this baby instead? And then you did the most retarded version of the God's Plan video. I wonder if that baby's

still alive. I mean, I sure hope so. She's not very responsible. Nabisco, get in here. Israel held its gay pride parade. Israel held its gay pride parade. Fuck. Israel held its gay pride parade this weekend.

Government officials condoned the festivities, but asked people to please stop carving glory holes in the Wailing Wall. I got a note for you. Is that the thing where you put the notes in the wall? Yeah. I don't want to be gay anymore. Yeah. It's like being Jewish.

What a bummer. And then you just slide it in there. Yeah. It is like... Two more gay people Jewish. What a bummer. And then you just slide it in there. Yeah, it is. It is like two gay people and Jews have both just like moved into neighborhoods they weren't from and then just kind of cleaned it up and pushed out the people who used to live there. The Wailing Wall is just West Hollywood. The Wailing Wall is just 4chan for Zionists. You can just anonymously share your hopes. A group of like minded people.

Ziononymous. Oh, boy. Anthony Bourdain from the TV thing. Anthony Bourdain killed himself. Must have been something he ate. Man, you literally could have just reused Boy, What a Terrible Cook, and it would have made more sense.

Oh, that would have been a better joke. I mean, no, but it... I'll be... My friend, after that happened, she shows me this book, and she's like, he's dead. I was like, is that Harris Whittles? I had no idea who the fuck it was. When I first was reading it, I didn't really know who he was, and I thought he was the guy who just eats the really, really big food.

And I was seeing people post these heartbreaking things about, like, he taught us that we were all the same through food, and he used his passion to really shine a light on the disenfranchised people of the world. I'm like, he just ate a big burger. This guy's no hero. He ate a burrito the size of a fucking Jansport. Yeah, you eat a backpack full of spaghetti. La-di-da, dude. A backpack of spaghetti. La-di-da, dude. A backpack of spaghetti.

That tickled you. All right, dude. You want to go into the drop the mic packet, or do you want to do another? I'm also reading my packet if it makes you feel better. I just never write topical jokes, so that's what I'm going for. Well, you did one time, and it didn't go great.

Oh, yeah. That wasn't a joke. I would just like to say that was a very true statement. Oh, my God. Today is May 4th. Now being celebrated... The gist of that joke is Google was going to celebrate Star Wars Day by changing their doodle

to a picture of a fat virgin. Oh, man. I thought he just cliff notes a line joke. I'm going to have to spoon feed you. You're going to get a response from Draymond Green and the guy whose family died when they drove the car through all the people in Canada, the incel community and the NBA community. Just like the two most opposite groups are both coming together like, all right, we got to make peace and break bread over this Andrew Polk guy.

Who's in a cell? You, when I figure out how to put you in a cage. Oh, yeah. Everyone notice he still has not put me in a cage. We've had a long running thing where I think I can trick Tom into getting into a cage. And he said this about two months ago. Yeah. Well, it takes a minute to find a cage that fat.

Oh, yeah. Give me a fucking minute. Yeah, that's sure. Sure. No, just everyone note, Keith is a failure. Well, I have to liberate you from the fucking prison that is your own

mind so that I can put you into a money This is honestly really easy. It goes like, hey, Keith, I'm out of cigarettes. Can I bum one?

And you say, yeah, but only if you get in the cage and pose for a picture. And then Tom goes, nah, well, I don't want to walk to the liquor store, so I

guess I'm in a cage now. I'm going to win this honest. Anyway. All right, guys. Do-do-do-do-do. Fucking.

The Pope told oil executives the world needs to convert to clean fuel, adding, What started more wars than oil, guys? Come on. This is New Yorker Connor checking out. Tainted watermelon has caused illness in over 60 people. Uh-oh. Farmer market proprietor dice clay remarked the last melons that made this many people puke were on my whore of an ex-wife oh

i'm not for sure that was going to a racial direction nope he did originally and then i'm like i don't need to do that yeah yeah hooray basically it went that way originally then i'm like we're already having andrew on the show yeah yeah here's the thing and i hope you're not insulted by this we We're just like, how fucking hard do we have to try to get a think piece written about us?

All right? I'm not talking like HuffPo, but like one medium like Facebook thing that someone's like, if you're still supporting these guys, I'd highly suggest

you get over here. You guys haven't had anything yet? No, not really. I mean, someone wrote a Tumblr blog about how I said retarded on a Yu-Gi-Oh!

podcast, but other than that, we've come away pretty clean. Yeah, you were just saying the name of the podcast. This is retarded. Well Yu-Gi-Oh! podcast. But other than that, we've come away pretty clean. Yeah, you were just saying the name of the podcast. This is retarded. Yeah, I was just like, I don't know.

I don't like Inzectodex. Like, I think they're retarded. Yes, I'm a villain. You also called retarded people retarded a lot, didn't you? Did I? Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. No, yeah, some guy was like, this guy tweets at me.

He's like, I think your autistic fans deserve better than to have slurs hurled at them. And then some hero responds, as one of Connor's biggest fans, who's also super autistic. No, we don't. Yeah, they just need a jar of green jelly beans to count and they'll be fine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, quick, toothpicks. It's like a smoke bomb for the autistic people.

Ah, shit. They can just run away. There's 97. It feels like how you like weird vampire mythology but for autistics. They can only enter a Yu-Gi-Oh shop

when they're invited. If you live on an even numbered address, they can't walk in the door. Yeah, yeah. If you give them a Risk board game and it's missing

half the pieces, they have to go on a journey to find them. Yeah. Why do you have a drawing of boobs on your door in blood? Well, I mean,

I did a podcast with Kyle Clark and things got out of hand. If you name one Pokemon, they have to name them all in order, and then they go back to their home dimension. Tarzavania or whatever. Oh, that's like when Cartman can't not finish that song by Styx, and that one South Park. Oh, yeah, yeah, the sail away thing. We're like Quentin Tarantino, dude.

We just sample different edgy cartoons and make a podcast out of it. I've been told I'm like Quentin Tarantino, too. You fuck feet and say the N-word? That was the implied joke, yes, fellas. Are you a foot guy? Huh? No, I was just trying to get to an N-word joke because I thought that's the way we were going. Yeah, we got there.

We go for it. Well, Opie lives right in that room. Oh, does he? So maybe see if he goes to the grocery store to have the real podcast. You're talking about Ron Howard. Maybe see if he goes to the grocery store to have the real podcast. You're talking about Ron Howard. Yeah, exactly. Huge racist Ron Howard.

Yeah, that solo movie really bombed. He had to move in here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you see Ron Howard at the Laugh Factory? It wasn't great. Ron Howard is opening for Jeremy Piven now. Oh, God, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a dude who does comedy now.

Jeremy Piven, yeah. What movie? He's from that Encore show or whatever. Entourage, you fucking dipshit. Yeah, he's the agent from Entourage. Oh, okay. And he lost his sitcom for molesting a lady, so then he's like, well, why not stand up? Yeah, yeah, and he's like,

well, this can only take you to the top in this business, as far as I know. The top. Okay, Father's Day is approaching. The perfect gift is the pack of smokes he wanted to leave you for. Fuck! I'll be honest, I wrote these

very scrambled and very late and no real excuses. And yet you're making so many. No, I'm just sharing information with my friends. Where are they? Him. You forgot his? Him. Him. You forgot his name.

Poker. The Poker. The Poker. Red hot, baby. Bad week for Tom. Yeah. You like the Salman Rushdie of racist tweets. Here's another one.

Vice President Mike Pence made news by swearing in Richard Grinnell, an openly gay man, as ambassador to Germany. When questioned about the ceremony, Pence responded, Oh, I thought we were deporting him to Germany. Because he's gay. I don't like him, though. Andrew's got a bonus joke. Pokemon Go fever is sweeping the nation. All right, that was fun, guys.

We'll be right back right after this. And that's where we're going to shoot every Chad and Stacy at Jefferson High School. We are the incel rebellion. We are the nice guys you ignored. You deemed unworthy. And if we can't make love, we'll make war. How was that? It was fucking awesome, dude.

Did it look scary? Like, I want it to look, like, badass. Oh, hell yeah, dude. That's going to be like straight up meme. We're going to be legends. Fuck yeah. All right, so let's go over the plan for tomorrow again. You bring your dad's pistol and the extra ammo,

and I'll meet you at the back door of the cafeteria with my uncle's rifle, and then we're both going to... God damn it, Jeff! Will you two queers keep it down? I'm trying to watch the game, can't hear myself think, over the sound of you Nancys playing make-believe Columbine. Oh, shit. He knows the plan.

Yeah, sure I do. The plan is you're going to threaten to shoot up the school, realize you're a couple of gyners, and then come home, eat pizza bagels on my dime. Just like last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. Hey, fuck you, Dad. We're really going to do it this time. If women respect us, then they will fear us. What's going on in this country?

Back in my day, virgins weren't so uppity. Don't call us virgins. We're really going to do it this time. If women respect us, they will fear us. What's going on in this country? Back in my day, virgins weren't so uppity. Don't call us virgins. We're incels. Ooh, incel. Is that Latin for super fruity butt buddies? Oh my God, Dad, get out of here. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just take the trash out on your way to kill the innocent or whatever.

Hello? Is this Madam Dong's Rub and Tuggery? Yeah, it's Dan Blonsky, fellow with the mustache. I come in on Thursdays to get slopped up by that little Korean with the lazy eye. Yeah, great. Listen, do any of your gals do house calls? I gotta get my deadbeat son and his shit-naked friend a piece of pussy so they'll quit bitchin'. Uh-huh. Okay, great. Full service.

And how much is that? $200? What am I, the Pope? Just send me the best Venus dick trap 36 bucks can buy. One hour later. All those Stacys are gonna fucking pay, dude. Fucking Stacys. Go away, Dad. Jesus, Dad, I said go away.

Whoa. Who are you? Tammy Gash. wait. Whoa. Who are you? Tammy Gash. Whoa. She's like the ugliest woman I've ever seen. That's the ugliest anything I've ever seen. Sorry I don't look my best.

I took the bus here. Wrapped my pussy lips around the bumper and Marty McFly did face first on the concrete for about seven miles. Uh, what are you doing here? She looks like someone put Peg Bundy's clothes on the monster from the end of Akira. Listen up, you tall drinks of cum. I'm here to fuck virgins and have teeth.

And I'm all out of teeth. Every time she talks, it just smells like wet farts and spilled gin. Which one of you wants to saddle up and go elbow deep on the vacant lot that used to be my birth canal. I think my dick just threw up. Maybe this is a sign, man. That we should be gay? Because it seems pretty great right now. No, no, don't you get it?

We're finally getting what we deserve. The universe heard our demands, and it sent us pussy. Like on some fucking Joe Rogan shit. So if you want to be a chicken shit about it, go ahead. But I'm getting what belongs to me. All right, Tammy, show me that manifest breast in me. All right, but you really should have put a tarp down first. What do you think, stud?

It's got so many lips. And are those teeth? Oh, I don't like this. I don't want to... Oh, God. Oh, why can't I turn away? Why can't I stop? Oh, God, it's burning my skull!

Oh, my God! Holy fucking shit! Your weird pussy killed Jeff! Yeah, it'll do that. So how about you? You gonna take a ride on the Pump and Dump Express? Fuck, is that a tentacle? Oh, don't worry about that.

I keep a live octopus jammed up my pork holster in case I get lonely or hungry. Now come on, get up in my turn cutter and see if you can find the way out. Oh god, it's eating me! It's eating me! Mr. Blonsky, help! Damn it, what the hell? What? Sweet Aunt Petunia, you wrecked him swallowing that dweeb up like a hungry anaconda. I'm so scared. Please just kill me. Yeah, I remember my first time. Listen, I want my $36 worth. When you're done with Shrinking Ink here, let me back clean up on that butthole. Why wait? I'm Tammy Gash. Every hole is a butthole i like your style let me die and the mean boys podcast is back

here to uh the andrew just let's just like let's walk through the draymond green green thing okay if you don't mind yeah i don't think you've like... No one knows what the fuck it was. Yeah. Honestly, we've become press cleanup. Yeah, you've got to give your image a rehab and come do Mean Boys. Oh, man. Yeah, we've got to have a Todd Glass coming out on Mean Boys or something. That would be so awesome.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. If you want to tell people you're gay, now would be the time. I was thinking about it. Oh, that was pretty... You did like Kevin Spacey this one? Well, now would be the time. I was thinking about it. Oh, that was pretty good. You did, like, Kevin Spacey this one? Well, I did. When I got back on Twitter, it was half of Louis C.K.'s apology and half of Kevin Spacey's apology.

I literally copied and pasted it. Racist joke thief back on Twitter. People just completely missed the point. No, I guess to just kind of give a brief overview, I like sports a lot. I'm pretty passionate about them. That was kind of one of my things is tweeting mean shit. Bill Cosby, look, I like sex a lot. I like Benadryl.

I like ladies. Let's make them. Yeah, yeah. I don't care for allergies, and naps are great. I don't see the problem here. I don't either. I was just tweeting nonsense, talking shit during a during a game as you do as I do a lot and especially during this game because we were just

I'm a New Orleans Pelicans fan I'm from New Orleans we were getting cooked by the Warriors of course and Draymond Green you know you look this guy up the number two Google result is him kicking people in the crotch while playing basketball there's just like an endless feed of him like poking people

in the eyes and fucking head-butting people and all this shit and i uh i i made a tweet that was kind of a joke off uh what charles barkley the week earlier had gotten in trouble for saying i hope somebody punches punches draymond green in the face so i just upped the ante and said i hope somebody shoots draymond green in the face as soon as he leaves the arena, which in New Orleans is like a 37% chance. I didn't even know there was a Charles Barkley connection. I think just nobody made. No one.

Well, I think everybody could have made it. It was just one of those things where everybody was like, okay, well, there's no more context because I'm mad at my fat wife and my ugly kids, and this faggot can be a lightning rod for me being upset that New Orleans beat our team once and golden state fans have been sports fans for four years they don't really know that you know talking shit is a fucking thing yeah and uh not like you uh proud pelicans i was gonna say you guys just come up like six months ago we haven't like we barely came up like i endured a fucking

shit season i think i can talk shit about a notable fucking goofball in the NBA. Yeah. But I tweet about sports so much that I have some sports followers, and there was this Golden State guy. I don't even know his name. He just screen capped it and then started tweeting it at the team and all these news outlets picked it up. And then, like, I'm blind drunk while all of this is happening.

Oh, hell yeah, dude. I'm sitting on my couch just, like, drinking bullet because the Pelicans are getting demolished. They're losing by, like, 30. And then my phone just, like, vibrates off the table, and I see, like, 400 replies, 500 replies. And, you know, it's people saying, like, I hope you actually get shot in the face. Hey, welfare. Hey, Mr. Poke. It was so weird because it was Golden State Warriors Twitter, some basketball Twitter, and then people that know me.

And then people that were relishing in me getting shat upon. Yeah. And then, like, someone posted my phone number. What? Whoa. me getting shat upon yeah and then like someone posted my phone number and i i didn't really like it i think it got like draymond's response to me like did you get at least one girl like racist girl that wanted to fuck you and it's like hey i think you're really on the right track yeah it was keith in a wig oh you got a tweet from arian princess 88 all right cool well like i didn't really just like twitter backfire i was like okay these are twitter goofballs it's not going to be a big thing yeah but then it uh was brought up at the press

conference somebody at the fucking press conference after the game you know draymond is dressed like fucking john snow and he's like wearing aviators and like solid gold headphones and he's like oh some faggot threatened my life i don't care it was so funny too because it was like there was nothing that like made your thing worse than anything else i've ever seen tweeted at any celebrity oh my god well that's for some reason the hive mind just decided well fuck andrew today i kind of feel like your your avatar picture it's just like i got like a smug face yeah so i feel like if you had if you were like you know just a guy with a beard who was like had a craft beer they'd be like oh this guy's a dip shit yeah i had a i had a photo of my real handsome face up there i had my real fucking name and i had

a check mark next to it and that's like kind of a point that i was going to get into because after all this shit like a month of being off twitter i go on there and I just type in Draymond die or Draymond kill and there are 5,000 tweets from like I screen capped 45 of them. They were all within half of an hour of one another and I

sent it to USA Today, the reporter that emailed me. I was like, hey, here's some tweets you could cover and it was just 45, the reporter that emailed me. I was like, hey, here's some tweets you could cover. And it was just 45 JPEGs of people threatened. It was like a manager at Sears in Idaho. It was like, I swear to God, I'm going to kill this man.

I think that guy might actually kill him. You're not going to kill anybody. You've got a checkmark next to your name. You're doing stuff. Yeah, and this fucking bitch from USA Today, he just replied with like, oh, well, it would be much harder to uh associate those tweets with with a notable person it was like fuck you i'm the least notable person that has ever gotten that kind of backlash i think i got it for being a comedian i'm not a professional comedian i don't make a living off comedy i had to go to work the next fucking day and hope that hey guys i got donuts hope this

smoothed it over well i went to work and three of my four co-workers are black so i was just like but it's also like oh i'm in my fucking bubble of being a loser nobody comedian and these people are in their bubble of being losers hiding behind egg avatars calling me a loser right there the real world did not fucking know about this like it was on fox and friends it was on good morning america it was on tnt and it was on a bunch of other shit but not one person outside of comedy yeah and you were just trying to get some skittles and a nice tea yeah it is funny that like if you do have the blue checkmark, it's like your replies show up higher, like in tweet threads of famous people. All the replies were like, get rid of this man's checkmark.

And I was like, I don't care. Remove his check. I think these people. Take away his shiny bucket. Yeah, it's like, okay, Bill Cosby, those honorary degrees, you know, the most valuable thing to you, not your money or your house or your freedom. You can't be like, oh, take away his he's a noteworthy person checkmark when you have 5,000 replies to a tweet. Yeah, and I didn't even have a checkmark because of being a comedian. I had a checkmark because, like, Daquan and Fuck Jerry stole a couple of my memes and got, like, 100, like hundred like replies and we're getting ad revenue off of

it right so they verified me because of that oh i had my meme stolen by fuck jerry i can't can i get a check mark i've tried i sent in a thing once i did too and they were like yeah nah though yeah i was rebuffed i feel like we're mildly legitimate we can get a check mark yeah i don't know i got two and a half i'm gonna give us each a celebrity we're gonna all tweet a death threat today and then tomorrow we have check marks. Ooh, that is. I think that's the way to not get one, though. Yeah. Yeah.

Because they try to take yours. That is the fun, like the funny where it's just like, all right, we got to really stick it to this guy. Let's fucking let's remove this awful diarrhea app from his phone and make him happy for 24. Yeah. I saw some shit, Nick. Like, I think it was like an mic-er from Buttfuck Nowhere post about the thing, and he's like, he's off Twitter. Justice has been served.

I'm like, what are you even talking about? What wrong happened? Yeah, so how long... How did you decide how long to stay off Twitter? Did you have to lay low? Were you not going out in public? No, it wasn't anything like that. Because after... It happened on a Sunday, and going to work love were you like not going out in public like no it wasn't anything like that because after it

happened on a sunday and going to work on monday and just kind of like going out there was my face was everywhere a lot of these people aren't going to say anything to you it shows you how throw away the media is you could go and pick any person any 10 000 people that said fuck me and go hey what was that guy's name that made that tweet that you were mad about a month ago? And they wouldn't fucking know. No, the Draymond guy. It kind of reminds me of when that lady was flying to Africa, and she was just like,

well, just got on my plane to Africa. Justine Sacco. Oh, yeah? You know her name? She's my girlfriend. You texted her a year ago. Right after that happened. Yeah. Here's Kramer, married. Yeah, but that was like a terrifying thing when that happened because like the joke she posted was like pretty fucked up or whatever but like just knowing like like because when people realize oh she's in the air and she doesn't know her life is over oh yeah it was like piranhas with a drop

of blood yeah they were just feasting on this person being completely out of it well yeah i think the fact that she didn't have internet up there kind of like accelerated it. That's what made it so funny. She couldn't apologize. She couldn't defend herself. She couldn't delete the tweet. Well, I got more of a backlash when I deleted my Twitter and like put my YouTube videos on private. That's when I started getting emails and stuff.

It's almost like you acknowledge you coward. You're hiding. It's like, what do you? I immediately apologized. I gave an apology to USA Today, which was pretty eloquent for how fucked up. I was one thumb on the phone typing out this, I regret the decisions I have made and the very real people. You know, all this bullshit.

You come here to apologize for apologizing well i mean i meant that as apology as much as i meant the fucking death threat so you can take that for what you want i gave the idiots what they wanted i ducked out and they got mad that they didn't get any more blows in on me so then i started getting emails like yeah but you don't want to fucking deal with it you know what i mean it's just like okay there's nothing to do yeah yeah it's just like yeah give them a state if you give them a statement, it shortens the news cycle. If a week later you write an apology, it's like, oh, yeah, that pops back up again. Yeah, I mean, I apologized within, I think, an hour of it happening because people were also pulling old tweets.

Yeah. That's so great. That's not in question. But like people waking up for like a public relations werewolf like what have i done did you did you just like see all the replies you're like all right i gotta post me it's like some taco bell and an iced coffee i gotta i gotta get myself right before i write this thing no i just find the earnest hemingway of apologizing for racist tweets i mean i just people tried to turn it into a racist thing. And that's when I got scared.

And before, when it's just people like, you're an idiot, that's insensitive, that's fine. I've had that before at very low levels. But when people were like, this is racist, this guy's going to kill this guy. And that's when I was like, oh, fuck, now I'm going to get fired or whatever. They're applying all this texture of a cultural moment to you saying you didn't like the basketball guy. Yeah, I was like, I have 50 tweets about about zaza do you guys want to see those yeah there was nothing particularly like racially charged about what you know it was and i think we're all qualified to say that here right now as the tribunal of fucking mediocre white men yeah yeah the thing that drives me nuts is like i think you know there's something to the idea of using twitter to like call people

out for being shitty and like like, do this thing. But there's this weird, like, people get horny over the idea of destroying a person. Oh, yeah. Like, there's just this lust for, like, he tweeted a thing we don't like, and now he's over. He's canceled. He's canceled. Well, these people don't have any power in real life. No, they don't.

They work at Baskin Robbins. Yeah, yeah. They have no friends. This is their only outlet. It's like you're not funny, but if you say someone's canceled when everyone else is saying they're canceled in an extra sassy way, someone might actually like one of your fucking horrible tweets. Yeah, you follow it with a gif of a black drag queen, and then you're clever. Then you got 71,000 retweets off doing nothing.

Then this is life. Or just like, this is me, literally, right now. We found a way to create like the matrix but it's the most boring lame version of it yeah there was one dude that replied right away and he had like four followers but his tweet like replying to me got like 500 favorites right so then for the next he was the only person that mentioned me after 24 hours but whenever the roseanne stuff started he brought me back up and was like tweeting. He was like, this is what happens when you're racist.

You and your boss get fired. Because he actually thought, didn't you put as a joke, head writer of Roseanne? I did not. Ben Avery started tweeting at people that I was a writer for Roseanne. Oh, good.

You know what's so funny? I actually bought that for half a second when I saw it. Oh, everybody. Man, rough year for Angel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. God, dude.

Ben Averitt. That's some real... Some men just want to watch the world burn shit. Ben and I went to a Clippers game too this year and had photos together at it and he was posting them

saying that we had AR-15s we'd smuggled. It's all right. Donald Sterling said we could. Oh, man. Has anyone been like, hey, we can't be friends anymore? No.

The shitty cunts that I like had always knew were shitty cunts were shitty when it happened. Right. But like I wasn't, I wasn't blindsided by anything And I saw some funny There were some people that were very funny

About it and even if I didn't know People very well and they were funny That was fine because we all do that shit But whenever there's some you know like DSA cunt in you know Butt fuck Arkansas In Denver Colorado Connor just recently gotten a

Big awkward evening With the DSA in Denver Dude, you don't even understand We're bringing socialism to Bentonville It's happening because of us Me and these three guys getting drunk on my couch Running a Twitter account For people that live nowhere near us

Connor came in just coasting on charm and sweat We've been on the road We were feeling cool and feeling real funny And we go to this bar and the DSA is setting up a table For after the show Which like, cool and feeling real funny. And we go to this bar and the DSA is setting up a table for after the show, which like, cool, whatever.

Yeah. And Connor's like, Oh, I know. I'll like gently rib their philosophy and they'll think I'm a cool hip guy. I want to talk. He does. And it's just,

everybody's just like, cool. Fuck you. Who are we canceling next? Am I right guys? You know, like, yeah,

trying to be. And then, and then you had like the option to just stop and drink your beer. And instead you just kept digging for 45. I wasn't even drunk. I was stone. So I know I'm trying to be and then and then you had like the option to just stop and drink your beer and instead you just kept digging for 45 i wasn't even drunk i was stoned so i know i'm trying to give you the out of you had half a beer no no daughter calls it wasted no i had a i had a monster you know i had i took some riddle and it was an ambient i'm all pepped up and ready to the i got the regular gum instead of the sugar-free i can't be responsible for my actions about that is after you two go and said I was still out there

and they start like putting jabs at me and I did nothing. And at one point they're just like, I don't know why we're being mean to you. You didn't do anything.

Yeah, Tom's like, socialism? Is that a Frank Ocean album or something? All right, well, what have you, so you're not really sorry. Any takeaway you have from this?

You know, anything that like... What was the funniest thing that someone who genuinely was mad at you tweeted at you? Or was it anything funny? I mean, there were a lot of people like, I can't believe he tweeted this. I hope someone fucking murders him. And I was kind of...

Not getting the... Yeah, oh. Oh, that's good. I did get... I got this email from this guy that just said, you redneck piece of shit. And he had a huge signature that was like this crusty old JPEG from like 1998 for big gorilla web design. Oh, boy. He had like his personal home phone number and stuff.

So I made an ad on Craigslist for a free uh free inflatable hot tub and i put i put his phone number on there for it that's so fucking we'll only respond to the name mr big gorilla that's so fucking funny oh man the weird thing to me is i i've gone to many live sporting events and i don't know it's because it's mostly hockey. I've never been to a basketball game. I always hear people screaming they want people dead. Oh, of course. It's ingrained in sports culture. These people are, one, they're not familiar with sports culture because they're Warriors fans.

They've been fans of sports for three years. Two, they saw a real person not hiding behind a fucking egg avatar with his name saying something incendiary and also they were mad because we fucking beat him in the last game there is no other context of this story than bored cunts wanted a lightning magnet for their shitty life outrage I feel like out of all the things you could

and should be angry at you're most angry at Golden State Warriors fans I mean I I like... At least they didn't win the finals. If Draymond thought that I was actually going to kill him, I don't want him to think that. You would have taken his headphones off. Oh, yeah, no, he thought for a second

that was a real picture of his decapitated father being held up by Kathy Griffin. Well, we've actually got Draymond coming into the studio. Like, his mom... I didn't read his mom's response, but his mom responded. You're reading his mom's response but his mom responded reading his mom's response right now google that immediately oh god david west one of his teammates who used to be on the pelicans responded he tweeted at me man fuck you and then i replied did you tweet this from the

bench and then but then i deleted it man I was like Man fuck you Is a totally Acceptable response Yeah that's fine Being like you're an asshole Asshole is totally fine Yeah that's not fine It's being like

Burn him to ash Fucking destroy him Eminem Alright I think we got The video here Oh I don't have it Guess who's back Guess who's back

Guess who's back It's a video Very much mom This sounds This apology sounds A lot like Eminem's Guess who's back. Guess who's back. It's a video of very much mom. This apology sounds a lot like Eminem's Guess Who's Back. All right, Disney music. These are ads, I think. What? I don't know what the fuck this is.

Oh, doo-doo. Is there a screenshot of you you read? Maybe. Oh, yeah, Babbers Green. At Poke Salad, you are truly what is wrong with sports. As an amazing athlete, of course I know. It is for caps lock entertainment purposes. Be entertained.

To wish death on someone is asinine. Well, that's just asinine. So here's what we've learned from this. Number one, Draymond's mom does not know what asinine means. You're a public figure and you should... No, I'm not! No, I'm fucking not! Here's how not a public figure you are. Being on this podcast is a pretty big get for you.

Oh my god. That's sweet, though. That is sweet that she thinks I'm like Jeff Ross or Michelle Wolfe or whatever. I'm like, no, 38 people look at these tweets and most of them hate me. If it makes you feel better, I'm gonna, no, 38 people look at these tweets, and most of them hate me. If it makes you feel better, I'm going to follow you. You are marginally liked in the greater Silver Lake area. That's how notable of a figure you are.

She's not done, dude. You are a public figure, and you should be banned from tweeting at Twitter. He deserves to be removed. Oh, no. Heavens to Betsy. Do people think I get paid to tweet? What's the punishment? Oh, no, I would have avoided this entirely?

Sounds like a nightmare. The blue checkmark looks like some sort of key to Olympus to normal people, I think. And it really means negative nothing. Yeah, I don't think I have any extra options or anything. I want to read your apology as a drunk person. Do it right now. I tweeted a very dumb thing. This would be an edgy joke.

Tweeted poke. As a frustrated basketball fan, I go through ups and downs, and as a comedian, I don't always express those in a digestible way. I wish no harm to anyone over a simple game,

and I apologize sincerely. Blah. P.S. I hope Draymond's mom gets shot in the tit. Oh, you think it's a simple game. You just think anybody can... Well, it's so funny.

They're talking about sports. Comedian calls basketball players retarded by saying it's a simple game. I don't know why she's like, you don't belong in sport. You're yelling death threats and buying merchandise. That is the white man's place in basketball. That's what you're here for. It's also like, no, this is for entertainment. It's like, well, what you're doing right now is

fueling that entertainment. There was nothing entertaining about that game where the Pelicans lost by 25 points except some nobody said something mean. That's part of the entertainment. It's like, wow, Kopey might have raped that person, but he's hitting threes. It's like, yeah. You've got to be really, really good at basketball once you maybe

rape somebody. Green would not get away with that. It's like, yeah, you know, and it's just the whole backstory. Well, because you've got to be really, really good at basketball once you maybe rape somebody. Yeah. Green would not get away with that. That's a... Green. You don't know. What is it? Dredsmon?

What is it? Dredsmon. That's the... Digimon Gray? Yeah, he's an Adam Sandler character from 1994. Dredsmon Green. Hey, you're not even the most famous Sandler comedian with a thing. This was okay back then. With a thing about Draymond Green. Chappelle's got that joke.

What is his? Just it's the blackest name ever. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. Any button you want to put on this? Any final words to all the haters out there? Well, earlier you mentioned if I'd learned anything from this.

And I didn't really learn anything except it could have been any joke. Yeah. See, I'm not asking that because I think you should have. I'm asking that because that sounds like something that somebody interviewing someone would say because we don't do interviews on this show. We're very bad at this. Oh, man.

Yeah. It's one of the few times we've ever done this. Yeah. It could be any joke you're saying. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Because when the shit started popping off, they were like pulling old tweets.

Right. And there was one where I'd say like R.I.P. Avicii. He killed himself after listening to his own music. And that was like becoming a lightning rod they were like pulling old tweets right and there was one where i'd say like rip avicii he killed himself after listening to his own music and that was like becoming a lightning rod because i guess golden state fans are also into dubstep a lot or whatever god are they just the worst people it was just it was just like it could have been any joke so now when i want to be funny i'm not gonna do it publicly ever so now i'm just gonna be one of those, oh, your president's a fucking hot Cheeto, 10,000 retweets.

I'll be one of those people that's like, oh, have you seen this lesbian woman comic? You should book her. That's all I'm going to tweet now. Is she funny? Brave! Oh man, you should see the braveness on this gal. There's like 200 people on Twitter that aren't... Nice pair of

respect on her. Big old jiggling courage. Jiggling courage is my autobiography. Wow, this dead woman is wearing a bathing suit. Inspiring. Next time you tweet a death threat, just hashtag drumpf. And it'll get you out of any trouble. Covfeve, that's what I meant.

Ah, covfefe. Well, hey, fucking Andrew Polk, welcome to the resistance. Oh, I meant it, baby. Yeah, it's like there's 200 people that aren't annoying on Twitter. Andrew is one of them, where I actually, like, chuckle or get some glimpse of joy when you quip about the news. Yeah, you tweeted something about Dilbert being in the Avengers Infinity War that made me laugh. Oh, yeah, I showed that tweet to Keith, and we were laughing about it on the patio. And it's just like, okay, cool, now there's one less of them because, you know, you guys

were a bunch of bandwagon fans that were all butthurt. So we officially endorse Andrew Polk's Twitter. Yeah, it's Mean Boys approved. Which is now just retweeting Cameron Esposito. I will not be telling any more jokes. Powerful. All right.

You're canceled. We'll be right back. All right. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you once again inexplicably by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Oh, Mr. Ear loves those tacos. God damn it. Go back to your own ad, you fucking pile of shit. Okay.

Don Carlos has the greatest selection. You see this? This means not welcome. And I'm holding up a burrito. Ears go home. Don Carlos is good. They have meat that tastes solid. It's genuinely the best burrito I've ever had. Itars go home. Don Carlos is good. They have meat that tastes solid. It's genuinely the best

burrito I've ever had. It's legit delicious. If you're in the San Diego, La Jolla area, it's right across the street from the comedy store. You go take a lady or

a gentleman, whatever you're trying to fuck. Yeah, or a dog. Am I right, guys? Whacka, whacka, whacka. Animorph? Yeah. All right, well, I'm

done trying to run the ad. You finish it. They cater your events and imagine throwing a party. Oh, now I'm Mr. Burrito I'm doing Tom's thing

yeah and you show up and you've got you've got a big igloo cooler full of delicious burritos you're gonna be a rock star and they fucking they deliver all that shit

so just go pop on in if you haven't made the trip and you're anywhere if you're within 45 minutes it's worth going you know or book a flight

I don't care just fucking give Don Carlos some money because he pays us way too much for a year's worth of ads every single year. So go to eataborito.com for more information. They have vegetarian options, too, if you're a bitch. Oh, I eat those ones. You guys are distracting me, so I'm doing some real Dennis Leary comedy.

Vegetarians are bitches. Am I right, guys? Any other edgy opinions from 1993? Pull up your pants and go to Don Carlos. End of that. Guacamole. I don't even think they have guacamole. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is back.

It's time to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Boop, boop. This one comes to us from listener Rebecca. Hey, I'm a recent fan of your podcast. My fiance, Zach, parenthesis, also a podcaster, has been talking about the Mean Boys for months, and I finally gave in and decided to listen. Now we're both come home from work quoting you guys,

and our love life has become more meaningful. Hashtag blessed. Y'all are the best. Come to Texas. She also has a band called Mean Motor Scooter. First of all, they are very good. I listen to them. Oh, cool.

She was tweeting on this. So Mean Motor Scooter, check them out on all the shit. Second of all, it's weird to think that somebody has probably listened to this podcast while they fucked. Oh, yeah. That would be funny. Somebody has definitely come while I was doing the car knock voice. Yeah, yeah. He's just in the kitchen, and he's got it on the Alexa.

Blow your fire low. She sneaks up behind him while he's cooking eggs, and she just puts him on the other burner and starts massaging his back. He's like, oh, it's game time. We don't even have time to turn off new names. I'm taking you to the Flamingo Garden. Yeah, if you fuck during the podcast, please tweet me your anecdotes. Also, if you want to just tweet videos of you fucking during the podcast, that would be the funniest thing to do.

Yeah, I'll send you some stickers if you send me a video of you fucking another person god i just want mean boy fan porn as part of the mean boys horny summer oh yeah as part of the it's just like a like a weird awareness campaign where it's just like okay if you if you do doggy with the car knock sticker on your butt we will give you two free tickets to car bells we both know who we're about to get porn tweeted at us from the gay ones exactly who it is those two bike messengers out in pittsburgh are gonna i wouldn't hate that yeah yeah they're cuties all right everybody said you're pouring in anyway what's this to begin uh the puppets uh all right so there's there's three real ones and one fake one and you got to figure out which of the following

uh is uh not a children's show that features puppets primarily is the cast. So round number one. I got a good feeling. Number one, Mr. Pokes, Bang Bang Roundup. Round number one, Pomple and Pilt, Peppermint Park, Puddle People, or Ding Dong School. Which one of those doesn't have puppets? Puddle People just seems like it's racist to someone, but I don't know who exactly. Oh, yeah. That seems like something. Inuits.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe English people. They'd like something. Inuits? Yeah, exactly. Maybe English people. They'd be like, oh, the puddlers are coming into France again for tourist season. I know the Coast Guard is called puddle pirates by other branches of the military. Oh, really? Yeah. That's what I call the Capri Sun kids, you fucking puddle pirates. Yeah, you like Capri Suns.

They're fine. I'm not like, oh, dude, you know I got to have a Capri Sun. You look like everyone who has a strong opinion about a Capri Sun. I love Sonny D, but it gives me heartburn. Yeah, I know. A very weak sentence to say. I can't say anything worse than that. How is that wider than the middle segment we just did?

I want to point out the Ding Dong School is where the short bus took Tom. What were A and B again? Pompl and Pit and Peppermint Park I think it's I think it's Fucking The puddle Puddle People

Alright I think I think it's Ding Dong School I'm gonna go with Ding Dong School It's Puddle People you guys Ding Dong School Is all It's chock full of puppets

And the autistic viewers like it Because the googly eyes You can't really even make eye contact with them. You never know what direction they're going. Round number two. Tweenies, Trash Tots, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, or Jigsaw, which is not a puppet show. I mean, Jigsaw is a puppet show and the other thing. I just hope some really bored vice contributor was listening to this, hoping they're like,

oh, man, we're going to reignite this Andrew Polk thing and get a whole dialogue going. I'm going to trend. And they're just doing puppet shit now. Yeah. What about fucking Wiener when the whistle or whatever? Yeah. Yeah. Wait.

Can I hear the first three? Let's run them all again. Twinnies, Trash Tots, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, or Jigsaw. Trash Tots sound like Mexican garbage pail kids that you get at the bodega down the street where they're like, oh, but get your Trash Tots. I'm going to go with Sigmund Monsters. Stinky Andy. It's for sure not one of them.

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. I think it's that one, too, because I feel like that's the only one that sounds kind of normal, so I think it's like a fake out. Okay. I'll go with Trash Tots since there's no real consequences for winning or losing. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, dude. Much like basketball. Well, if someone's no real consequences for winning or losing. Yeah, you get it. Much like basketball.

Well, if someone's not getting a MeUndies gift card, none of us, we're not sponsored by that. We haven't had the president on. It's time for representation in podcasting, that's what I'm getting at. Yeah, it was Trash Tots, you guys. Everybody fucking so alive in this room right now. I'm batting a,000% zero.

Stop. Okay, guys. That's a quote from the good doctor. The Sooty Show, The Hot Fudge Show, The BJ and Dirty Dragon Show, or Dr. Chubb and Friends. Dr. Chubb and Friends is what this podcast is called now. No, I'm not being one of your pips, Gladys Knight. How dare you relegate me to the role of your friend. I'm the Dr. Chubb friend.

You're my reluctant co-workers, and that's where we're going to keep it. We don't speak to each other off mic. We're like opium amp thingy, like late 2000s. Yeah, yeah, Scrawny Faglord and the beleaguered co-workers. That's what it's called. That sounds like a band that opened for Sonic Youth at some point. Yeah, yeah, Scrawny Faglord and the dudes trying to figure out how to take the RSS feed away so they can have fun on the podcast again.

Yeah, remember when this was like a good time? Yeah. I'm having fun. Was something about some sort of puddle pirate we were talking about? No, that was several rounds. That was two ones ago. All right. Yeah, the Sooty Show, the Hot Fudge Show, The BJ and Dirty Dragon Show, or

Dr. Chubb and Friends. I'm going to go B. Hot Fudge. Wait, B was Hot Fudge. I'm going to go A. I hope Hot Fudge is real. Yeah. Hot Fudge. Hot Fudge. This is my favorite thing to do. Conform to me. Watch Tom spin his own

wheels into just a weird fucking burnout. Usually they cut me off and call me stupid by now, so I guess I gotta keep this marching band going. I'm gonna be real. I'm more of a butterscotch guy personally, but that's not the point here. Your train of thought is just consistently doing donuts in the parking lot of a Walmart. Panama.

To Central America. Jump! I'm going with hot fudge. All right. Better not be fake. BJ and the dragon. Yeah, it's Dr. Chubb and Friends.

Oh, fuck. Well, that was Witch of the Following, guys. Wow. Yeah, we got to do some new games. Yeah, this one's over. Yeah, so check out that Scooter Bands. Yeah. We'll have them play us out to break.

How's that? That'll make it up for it, you know? Yeah. It's taking forever to load. We're just going. We'll add it in there later. No, we won't. Did we answer the viewer mail?

We're going to do that next time. That's next. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to open up the Mean Boys mailbag once again. Feel free to tweet us your questions. Send them to us on Facebook or leave us a voicemail. What's that voicemail number, Connor? 304805 Mean. That's 6326.

First question comes from Ryan McCoy. Does Andrew Polk eat ass even a little? Oh, yeah. Ah, cool. Is that the whole question? That was it, yeah. Well, he said it with such conviction. I was just like, is this a controversial opinion that you don't eat it?

Who was that? Is that somebody I know? Ryan McCoy? I don't think I know who that is. I don't think I do either, but more than now. Ryan McCoy, USA Today. I think I'm the only one at this table who's never eaten ass. You've never eaten ass?

No. Why not? It's right there. Yeah, it is. There's a better hole above it, and they enjoy that. The lower back hole? I give them pleasure. Where the vestigial tail fell off.

Yeah, it's where I stab them so they can't run. No one's asked me to do it. Well, yeah, you do it. You don't ask, you take it. It's embarrassing to ask for. Edit that out. It's like when you, if you go to a, you know, it's like going to a restaurant, like you have to order, like, could I get the hot fudge sundae? It feels embarrassing.

Like, would you like a hot fudge sundae? You're like, no, that you mention it. Yes. I'm not going to offer to eat someone. If someone asks me to. Just kind of start sliding. Next time you're eating a pussy, just like a bottle. Yeah, like fucking Tiny Tim. Please, man. Please, sir. I'm asked me to just kind of start sliding next time you're eating a pussy just like a like fucking tiny tim please man please sir i'm gonna have some i'm not gonna

just unsolicitedly lick butt yeah that's exactly that's exactly what you should do that's tongue rape i don't know if you're already eating pussy i think you're fine to slide down give a little exploratory like if she's immediately like hey that's enough of that yeah she'll stop she'll swat you if she doesn't want you i'm I'm not going to try to eat butt and get rejected. That sounds like I don't have the self-esteem for that, guys. You don't have the self-esteem to lick somebody's shit. No, it's like a horse tail swatting away flies. She's not going to be like, get the fuck out.

Yeah, yeah, you're canceled. Or he. I should say, or he. Yeah, Tom, eat a dude's butt. Yeah. Eat a gay butt right now. If someone asked me to. Eat my ass.

He's asking you. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Eat my gay butt right now. If someone asked me to. Eat my ass. He's asking you. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Eat my fat, gross ass. Yeah, I've had kind of an ass-eating renaissance lately. I was going probably as deep as I've ever been in a butthole the other day. Deeper, probably. And I'm just like, it's terrific.

Your tongue is just hitting the back of the teeth. You said that like it was spelunking. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I think my teeth are, I think I'm like, my teeth are like in play now. I got to like back it up a little bit. You know, but I, and I do say it's like flattering when someone eats your ass. It's like, and it just, even if you're not into it, because I had my ass eaten and I

wasn't into it, but I was like, wow, it really meant a lot that you would do that. I like getting my ass eaten. I never know how to ask somebody to eat my ass. Yeah. I mean, you asked me pretty firmly. Okay. But that's different though. Like a girl, like a girl getting their ass eaten is like, you're me pretty firmly. Okay, but that's different, though. Like, a girl getting

their ass eaten is like, you're already eating the pussy. It's very close together. A girl eating a guy's ass is like, you gotta really, like, make a choice. Yeah. You weren't there by accident.

There's no foot traffic to that part of the neighborhood. You gotta, like, get, like, a twisty... It's the Culver City of general. You're making it sound like fucking... If you're going there,

you're going there with purpose. Yeah, you gotta get, like, a twisty tie from, like, a bread bag to, like, get the balls up on your dick. Yeah, it's not the whole horse. There's a whole horse there. You, you gotta get like a twisty tie from like a bread bag to like get the balls up on your dick. Yeah, it's not the whole horse thing. You gotta put your dick in a ponytail so you can get down there. A t-shirt tie, like if you're an 80s kid.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know, that just seems like that would be a lot like, ah, what if you forget to brush your teeth or something. Damn, dude, I didn't realize you were old and insensitive, Andrew. Scottish Lock says, how would a horror movie scenario play out with the Mean Boys? Think Evil Dead parameters, Connor, Keith, and Tom, and include Ramsey and Opie. I think Opie is the only one who survives

because the rest of us are retarded. Yeah, Opie's the most responsible. Opie's just careful in general. Yeah, it would be easy to say the black guy dies first. Like, that's the hack thing. But I think the sex person dies before. Like, sex gets you killed before race

in a horror movie. Connor dies first i agree i die somewhere in the middle you get possessed frame one but we don't even know you're possessed for a while you're already insane yeah yeah oh yeah you're definitely the one who ends up killing the last i think opie's the only one who lives opie opie like uh no no ramsey starts refilling his vape as a bit just like oh look i'm not worried about the monster and then gets got like yeah he's like taking a shit like new kind of thing. 100%. Yeah, yeah. Now, my brother's asked when is Andrew coming back

to Twitter? He's back. Are you verified now or did they take your checkmark away? No, I'm still verified. They did when I logged back in. It said I had violated

policy of conduct and I had to give them a phone number and confirm it. I tried using that burner app and it wouldn't let me. Like it knew. Oh, shit.

And Frankie Monson says, you assholes need to come back to New York. Agreed. We will. Any of you guys have any really banal phobias, simple stuff like roller coasters or bugs or anything? I don't like stink bugs, because the autistic kid at my school squished one in my face one time, and when I see him, I kind of have a visceral reaction to it, but I wouldn't call it a phobia.

I've talked about the frog thing on the show before, right? I don't know. Oh, yeah. I'm terrified. I'm afraid of frogs because when I was a kid... Well, because you were raised by Nazis.

Yeah, fucking pepe's. No, my dad was like just one of those reptile people and he had like... They bought this... He was Jewish. No, and he bought this big fucking like toad-ass frog

or whatever and I hated it. You mean a toad. Yeah, I was like seven years old at the time and then we went and bought baby mice one day and i was like oh we're gonna have mice that's another pet we're gonna have instead maybe feed the mice to the frog and then they put that frog in my bathroom and it fucked me up because i was like oh i know that thing eats baby mice and my

little kid dick looks like a baby mouse kind of it's just yeah pink and hairless and afraid so i was worried a frog was gonna eat my dick and that's uh that's the thing i've been worried about ever since i like mice and just because of that we had to turn down our lucrative offer from furry con to perform this as far as all animals go i am pro mammal anti pretty much everything else like i'm fine that they exist i don't want to touch them it's just funny to like have to take a shit while a frog looks at you that sounds like a really horrible life for the frog living in the shit-filled bathroom. He's like, oh, I'm in a hell within a hell. That's like a baby that's like, oh, yeah, I wanted to get adopted by Madonna,

but I got adopted by some lady who's making me sew in the fucking garage. Oh, I'm in sick prison, but sorry you're nervous about your wiener, fatty. Yeah, he was just trying to make it out the swamp. All right. Does this person know you that tweeted a picture of what is allegedly you in special ed in 2006, Tom? No. We were talking about that. I think she's just tweeting a picture from her own special ed class.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. A little solidarity. Which one did you think was me? Look, I'm not going to lie. I've never seen a dude with Down syndrome that didn't kind of look like you. Thanks.

Not once. Yeah. All right. I mean, you're the most handsome Shut up Of them Stop talking At what point does a sexual turn on Become a full blown fetish I don't know

When you can't stop coming to it I started jerking off to the frog eventually Like that monkey that fucks the frog in the mouth Have you seen that No way I haven't seen that You've really never seen this No that fucks the frog in the mouth? Have you all seen that? What? No way. I haven't seen that. Really? Pull it up. All right. Monkey. Wait, you've really never seen this? No.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it is pretty great. He just takes, I believe it's a toad, if we're going to be correct, and he just fucks it right in the mouth with his monkey dick. Yeah.

Which does look like a, you know, a little baby human penis. I genuinely don't want to see this. It looks cartoonishly horrific. All right. Well, we'll play the audio. I don't know.

Tom, what's your weirdest thing? I don't know. Do you want to narrate it. Okay. They got little speech bubbles, and this one says he's prying open the frog's mouth. Yeah, he sure is. Oh, this is upsetting. Yeah.

It's that you can see the frog just kind of get bigger. What are you doing? This is TJ Gorilla. I like that he's flipping over on his back so he can really just lean into it. That is kind of like the fleshlight of nature where you're just like, all right, well, here's a weaker animal. Toss. You're where my dick lives.

That's my answer to the question. Somehow that's correct. Yeah, all right. If you guys were trapped in any amusement park for one day, which one would it be and why? Like, which one are we realistically going to get trapped in or which one would we like to be trapped in? I'd like to be trapped in Disneyland.

I mean, Legoland, because then you can build whatever amusement park you want. Yeah, exactly. You can build a ladder. No, Disneyland is objectively the right answer. Well, maybe Universal Studios, Legoland, because then you can build whatever amusement park you want. Exactly, yeah, you can build a ladder. No, Disneyland is objectively the right answer. Well, maybe Universal Studios. Legoland sucks. I went to Legoland as a kid.

I had a magical time. I went there when I was like nine. I was like, this blows. I've never been to Legoland. I think I'm going to go Universal because they have that fountain in the middle of it so you could just like

play in the fountain. Yeah. Hang out in fake France. Go rape a minion. Yeah. What, just like play in the fountain yeah hang out in fake france go rape a minion yeah dude just like that fraud yeah also like universal i'm like oh i can just like print out my screenplay like there's a movie studio there i can still keep a career going while trapped in the theme park oh yeah uh that disneyland all right try the headphones they're not working at all uh pretty much no all right yeah because've got to do some voicemails.

Oh, wait. Here they are. Here they are. Yeah, they're working. All right. Nobody move. All right. Let's see what the voicemail line has to say this week.

Hey, what's up, Memoys? Just something surprising. Fuck it. I'm too drunk. What did he even say? He said, fuck it, I'm too drunk. Ah, tight. Yeah, so that was good.

That was Andrew's first draft of his apology. Sorry, I meant to... Hey, guys. I'm trying to figure out how to, like, join the list of where you guys go. I don't know. I signed up for these. Here's just an important PSA. This is not like a customer support number where I'm going to pick up and tell you how to go to the very easy to find Google Sheets. Yeah, this man essentially just called and said, how do I type my name?

Yeah, he's like, how do I click the mouse? It's the pinned tweet, right, for Mean Boys? It's in our bio. Yeah, yeah. Hey there, Mean Boys. Can you tell me how to do a Google? It's on the top of the show notes for six months. You guys are doing what every cunty fucking comic on Twitter does when a fan is like,

how do I support you more? And you're like, fuck you for not finding it immediately. I agree. Fucking tell them. Fucking tell them. It's working out really well for us. We have a system here. Shut up.

That's kind of what they want, though, from what I understand. Because every time I'm like, hey, sorry we made fun of your voice, they're like, I love you, man. I told everybody at the fucking Chevron that they called me gay. I hate so much when I see famous comics just tweeting at people like, it's on the website. Well, just take that minute and say, oh, it's at the Binigans in Omaha. Come out and see what your fat wife.

In general, I agree. If somebody tweets at me my personal thing and asks me what stand-up, I will do that. When people call mean boys, they generally have an expectation of how they'd like to be treated. That guy's web TV doesn't work. Well, that guy. It's on the website. We have to fix his dream cat.

Everybody just start calling me and be like, okay, so my router's not, it's not showing up on my phone, but it's showing up on my computer. We're on Rant Linky still. You can tell by this man's accent, he lives in a town we're trying really hard not to have to go to. So hopefully this doesn't matter. He did figure it out moments after because I saw someone sign up and it was a similar area code matched up or something.

We'll be in Butt-fucking-ton, West Virginia. Yeah, yeah. I do like also when people are like, I'm hurt that you guys haven't made it out to Omaha. And I'm just like, how many of you... I'm not. Look at your town made it out to Omaha. And I'm just like, how many of you? You're like, I'm not. Look at your town.

You have one Starbucks, all right? It's hard for anybody to do Omaha. All right. Okay, Mean Boys. So today I went on a date with this woman who's like 30. He was totally real. Hang on. Wait a minute.

Okay, yeah. Oh, so hey, Mean Boys, I got to do this real quick while my parents are still asleep. Mean Boys. So today I went on a date with this woman who's like 30. I felt like she's got two kids. I'm 21, college student. She's a professional, blah, blah, blah. She just went to Smash, right?

So I get to her fucking place. We start talking. I actually went on a date with the biggest fucking drug producer, like drug runner, blah, blah, blah, in my country. I'm from Europe and it's like 3 a.m. in the morning right so hold on from ralph but this fucking woman man she was like fucking gorgeous like petite like fucking crazy lady was like fuck yeah i'm getting lucky she went to her couch we started like fooling around her fucking kids walking like they ran downstairs mommy who's this new guy who's this guy like okay that was fucking awkward so that pretty much ruined the mood uh she puts a good late uh comment next to me we start talking again we go into the topic of depression good like no fucking happy person that listens to your show

um so we start talking start talking about their ex-abusing and they should like yeah and also like with the drug and stuff like you got to take a breath man yeah what even is happening so yeah he's he's hooking up with this chick on the couch uh she's the top drug producer in her country allegedly and her kids run downstairs and like mommy who's this guy like go to bed you know like basically doing like a scene from your life probably and uh yeah now she was the top drug consumer in our country okay yeah yeah she gets like uh she gets like marlboro miles from her meth dealer and like, hey, we pitched in and we got you this fanny pack

that just says Carl on it. We got you a gold tooth to retire on. Yeah, so now he's in bed cuddling with her talking about depression. Gotcha, gotcha. What drugs?

Come on, tell me. Spill the beans. These drugs are cool, interesting, right? Today she starts talking about how she started dealing at 17. By the time she was 21,

she was moving fucking kilograms of coke, like absolute kilograms of coke about how she started dealing at 17. By the time she was 21, she was moving fucking kilograms of coke. Like, absolute kilograms of coke. Her ex used to abuse her. Blah, blah, blah. Man, what a bedside man of this guy's. Her ex used to hit her. Yada, yada, yada.

Yada, yada, victim this. Hurt that. Loaded, man. She told me. We were just talking about sailing because I feel because I'm a fag that way She's sorry fucking tell me about yeah, I went through this boat a couple days ago I thought like yeah, I just gonna be regular both like to 3k like shit a little pleasure boat She was fucking 400k y'all. No one's bothering cash on the spot

She stopped dealing nine years ago, but she's still got like a mil stashed away. I'm 21, still in college. This girl is fucking crazy. I think she's still on stuff. She pretends she's not, but I'm going to try and become this little girl's like sugar son, I guess. Like what you would call it.

However, be my sugar mommy. It's not sugar son. You're that one. Sugar son sounds like the worst rapper of all time sugar baby you fucking creep yeah yeah i'm trying i want to be your uh your sugar uh dependent like i want to be your sugar progeny this guy's got to be dead by now right yeah this phone call ends with a gunshot he sounds like he is running from something well he's also calling on a i guess you have his phone number saying yes i'm dating this drug kingpin on this very traceable

phone yeah this is not the first crime that's been committed she's gonna kill you she's gonna hack our very easy to hack email address and then docks the shit out of you if you're the drug dealer lady look I'll save you some time don't fuck up our back end we'll just send you the phone number we'll just tell you

where he is I don't want to have to like learn a new password so yeah Squarespace is gonna make it a whole thing we'll help you where he is. I don't want to have to learn a new password. Yeah, Squarespace is going to make it a whole thing. We'll help you kill this guy. I'll hold him down while you knife him. Yeah, yeah. Alright, continue. About how she got her ex beat within

two weeks of his life. And he's thinking about placing a hit on him too. So yeah, that one's crazy. So yeah, she's thinking about having her, the ex that beat her, like murdered, like on some like Grow the Dragon tattoo shit. Okay. So anyways, guys.

And here it's going to be like, so I was just wondering what kind of anime you guys were into. What's the fudge lord doing? Yeah, yeah. I just finished Full Metal Alchemist and I'm like, I'm trying to look for something in that same vein. But you know, the fantasy thing kind of turns me off. This dude just walked by me

and gave me the biggest fucking shit jazz ever. I'm used to being rambling, but, yeah, you guys, fuck everything, God is dead, I guess. Love you guys.

Love the show. I'm not actually a sad factory worker, but I'm on my way there because, like, college is taking my ass, but fuck it. I just got this little girl's, this girl's boy toy

and get paid that way love you guys got milk yeah this dude is gonna get murdered to shit yeah yeah uh check out the michael yeah i do want to i do keep in touch man let us know how this is going yeah a lot of our listeners are just like hey it's uh that one guy again uh anyway uh just so do you guys if you and your gal want to call in we will talk to you live on the air. Oh, I'll figure how to do that. Yeah. We will download Skype or whatever European Skype is.

He's for sure hot. I want to be the Sean Penn to this woman's El Chapo. She's got a voice. She's like, hello, mean boys. I love this guy's supple cock. And I put my children to bed while I think about murdering people. I'm the sugar mother. But they probably call it something stupid in England. I'm the sugar mother. Yeah. I'm love.

Yeah, but they probably call it something stupid in like England or wherever this guy's from. Yeah. I'm a bogey parent. Nope. That's how they speak.

Thanks for coming on the show, Andrew. Absolutely. Do you have anything you want to plug, man? No. I fucking don't. Hell yeah. Well, this weekend, June 15th and 16th at the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas. Get tickets don't. Hell yeah.

Well, this weekend, June 15th and 16th, I'm at the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas. Get tickets for that. It's going to be a good time. This weekend, June 16th, I'll be at the Tournament of Nerds

at the UCB Theater on Franklin at midnight. Come hang out for that. And are we dropping this Tuesday or Thursday? I don't know. Tuesday, probably. Okay, yeah.

Tonight, I'm at the Comedy Store doing stand-up before roast battle and I'll also be judging it. So come hang out for that. Tom's doing stand-up on that as well. Yeah, I'll also be on that. And the 19th, I'm at the Comedy Store doing stand-up before roast battle, and I'll also be judging it. So come hang out for that. Tom's doing stand-up on that as well. Yeah, I'll also be on that. And the 19th, I'm at the Chico's in Clovis. And, yeah.

All right. Headlining that show. Cool. Dude, thank you so much for coming. Yeah, thanks for having me. Thanks for coming on, man. Everything I said was legally absolved. I'm looking forward to being dragged down with you.

Yeah, if anybody gets mad, we'll just say you were a character They're like I don't know Connor doesn't have a check mark but can we get his food stamps Cancelled This guy's the real villain he's a public figure That has food stamps Alright thanks guys Fuck everything God is dead See you next time.