Mean Boys - EP 134 - West Vagina (feat. Andrea Guzzetta)

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Hey! Usually you do a little more before we jump in. It's us, it's the Mean Boys. Thank you for listening to the podcast that's called Mean Boys. The most professional podcast. Yeah, this is a fun episode when Andrea Guzzetta came in. The host of the Andrea Loves Everybody podcast.

Yeah, she's great. Follow her on shit. Yeah, and hey, fucking enough business. Let's get into the fun stuff. Leave us a review on iTunes. Hell yeah. Yeah, once we get to 400 we'll do an episode with Keith's mom oh no

yeah so I'll have to get my anti-tentacle spray from the the sex against the dark arts instructor yeah from my boner wizard

yeah yeah so this guy who his name is I'm High Def writes good shit good shit the ish right here son is some pretty

premium high level funny stuff man that is a white person yeah i think he's doing a bit i like that one yeah well thank you for uh caring for our ish yeah i like the ones i don't like is like this shit is like almost as edgy as rick and morty dude it's up there yeah if you like cards against humanity you're gonna love mean boys yeah and uh fucking uh we got a patreon page five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. There's like 40-something episodes. So if you've run out of Mean Boys and you need your fix, just slide us a link and we'll hook you up.

Tom just made a face like he was surprised we have a Patreon. Does $10 do anything? Yeah. We won't dox you. That's the protection fee. We're like the mob of podcasting wow we've got a lot of your home addresses and let's just say it's a shame if something happened leaving a lot of shitty comments and i don't really like it and i've uh kind of reached a whole breaking point

with the whole like you know post-millennial hellscape that is my world i'm kind of thinking about making you a pipe bomb and he's sending it and maybe it looks like there's a T-shirt in there, and you open it up, and then all of a sudden, you're just kind of, it's just like a bunch of chili that used to be this woman's son in the living room, and maybe I can finally be remembered. I'm serious. We'll send you, like, buttons and stickers.

Yeah, if you want a keychain, that'd be cool. Yeah, yeah, we're doing window decals this month. The art for that is going to come out pretty soon, so that's pretty cool. And, yeah, we just got back from Denver and Vegas. So if you want us to come to your town, go fill out our tour sheet. Let us know the closest major city you're willing to come out to. How many friends you have and whether or not we can sleep on your couch.

And we'll use that to book the next tour because we fucking love going out on the road and meeting you guys. And we can't wait to do it again soon. Thank you to Denver and Vegas. You guys were awesome. Yeah. Pretty hard. Yeah.

Go fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit. Our Mean Boys. Link for that in the show notes. And enjoy some titillating discussion about nothing. I want to point out, Alexis. I just finished Death Note. Is anyone, you guys like it? Alexis is doing an insane role-playing game, choose your own adventure thing, based on

the Battle Royale. I haven't had the heart to read that yet. I've read the first. There's a lot of it. I've read the first few, and it's like pretty funny and it's pretty interesting like to the point where maybe we might have to do something

with it for Patreon at some point. Yeah, yeah. So go check that out. Yeah, it's a good time with the movies. Yeah, and follow us on Instagram,

Twitter, Facebook. Go subscribe to our YouTube channel. Got some new Tom vlogs on the way. Some of you guys might not have seen already and make the number go up

so that we look good for the corporate gods. Hell yeah. Other than that, I think just enjoy the show. Tell a friend if you have one. If you don't, maybe do a 4chan post. And enjoy this week's episode with Andre Guzeta.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Love is just a tapeworm for your spirit. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Andrea Gazzetta. And I'm... A violent turtle. Whenever Tom shaves... Like, you look good shaved.

Don't backtrack. There's just something threatening and amphibian-like about you. Yeah, you're wrong. Because with the beard you look like a violent you. Yeah, you hide your face. Because with the beard, you look like a violent mammal, but then you get reptoid. Well, the beard adds a level of coziness and familiarity. When I just see the raw face, it can be a little alarming. Like, every time you shave and I see you for the first time, I get startled. No, me too.

Yeah. I scare myself all the time. I have material about it. That's one perk to being sober. I can't get drunk and scare the shit out of me anymore. I thought about scaring you today. Sometimes I scare myself. I know I'm not supposed

to say that because it sounds bad, but I'm fucking scary. I called up the Grover. We've just created this world where Tom is always calling Grover oh what uh yeah we're just you know we're just basically just like re-skinning family guy jokes from the mid-2000s you know i think so yeah the stewie has a grover phone we really are creatively bankrupt uh for

sure yeah yeah i mean we're just kind of the the quentin tarantino's of podcasting just like racist horny men that take the best parts of other things and turn it into some kind of gumbo for people that didn't see the original. And also we fucking a foot-shaped bed. Yeah, of course. Teen angst. Shout out to David Doran, at David the Comedy on Twitter. Eskimo Brothers with Quentin Tarantino, who, and this is an empirical fact, everybody, sleeps in a bed shaped like a foot.

That's so exciting. Just trying to disseminate that rumor to as many people as possible. Yeah, I don't know. I've never been into foot stuff. Are you guys into foot stuff? I had a boyfriend that was. Okay. uh just trying to disseminate that rumor to as many people as possible yeah i don't know i've never been into foot stuff are you guys into foot stuff uh i had a boyfriend that was okay i mean i like walking not not what we meant champ no he knows he's fucking with what is the process for that where you're just like oh i guess my feet are part of the operation now i mean if it wasn't my hands it was gonna be. So it's like.

Well, I feel like then you can just like, if you're jerking somebody off with your feet, you can read a book. Right. You can do your taxes. Exactly. You have opportunities. It actually takes a little more concentration, though, because you're not used to using them. Yeah, I feel like I got no dexterity in my feet. No, it's much more difficult. I'm trying to write with your left hand.

I really don't know what a guy foot could do for a lady. Because it's like thinking about trying to like get the clip with my foot. I'm like, my toenail is going to slip at some point. Oh, God. Yeah. Clip those. Jesus. I do clip them, but I'm just going to end up like, you know, like ice cream scoop in somebody's labia.

I feel real bad about it. Oh, God. Yeah. You get that at the Sharper Image store. The heated toenails. You can melon ball a pussy. Jesus. Well, now that we're 45 seconds in and we've already mutilated a vagina, Andrea

Gazzetta joins us instead. Andrea loves Everybody Podcast, which a bunch of you guys listen to. Thank you. That was super cool. Yeah, that was really sweet. I appreciate it. Yeah, you guys got to hear me have feelings that weren't just calling Tom retarded. Yeah, it's not my style. Oh, and we undermine my feelings again.

No, I'm kidding. I want to be clear. I also found a way to call you retarded on her podcast. Did you? I think I did. I'll have to listen. You were yelling at Al most of the time. Yeah, he's a yell-at-able guy.

Poor Al. Yeah. Who's Al? Do you have the guy from Death Note that produces your podcast? He's just always crouching and solving things? That is kind of what Al does on the podcast actually I thought you said Al No, Al Bamani

Oh, okay Oh, that guy He's still alive? I'm convinced he's been dead since 1973 And he's just a ghost That's pretty much, yeah, the gist of what he looks like He's got dope sideburns Yeah, he really does just always kind of look like a beleaguered deli owner

Just like, well, maybe next year I don't have to live on top of this deli. And then next year rolls around and he's like, well, I got an air conditioner for the top of the deli. You know, things are going okay. He rushes around with a briefcase

like he has four kids and he has none. I'm like, what? What about, I don't think briefcase implies fatherhood. It implies like busy, like adult man though.

Yeah, like businessy. Like he just looks, he always looks flustered. Like, oh, how pay for their school what business is he in a lot of schizophrenia are adults with schizophrenia they have briefcases oh yeah is that like the is like the premier accessory for the crazy sleeping bag for uh having uh having a little bit of dough and voices in your head oh okay all right so they money, and they're like, well, I could buy a sleeping bag, or... So yeah, there's like a schizophrenic rapper who's just like, gummy bears all up in the briefcase.

No, there were like three or four people in the hospital like, where's my briefcase? I was just like, I don't know, man. Yeah, all of my files, and you open it up, and it's just like condom wrappers and cryptic notes. Yeah, it's just a briefcase full of poop. And coloring book pages. Wait, what?

Just coloring book pages. Like I have business to do. These are my documents. It would be funnier than walking into a meeting that you'd already decided was stupid with a briefcase and you take it out and you pull it out and it's just poop. I think you'll find this offer most agreeable. Yeah, a guy, click, open.

Is it under the poop? I'll show myself out. And then he just walks out. They're looking through. They're like, there's got to be. You stand up. You've been wearing no pants this entire meeting. There's got to be some kind of TSA workaround, right?

I mean, he just gave us a briefcase full of poop. When I said, I mean business. I was talking about butt business. I love the idea of the briefcase just having the poop organized so it spells out gold from Pulp Fiction. You could do that with little dog turds. We had a dog turd fight at my friend Nick's house when his parents were out of town. Shortly after, we found his mom's vibrator, tackled him, and rubbed it on his face. You're really burying the lid on.

So we sexually assaulted my friend? Yeah. With his mom's dildo? Well, yeah. I was more of just like a kind of beta male Lord of the Flies accomplice to this because I was like the weakest of the group. But yeah, they found it and they started putting it on his face and he just goes, guys, that's a back massager.

And then I had a good line, which was, no, Nick, that's a front massager. You know, he had a terrible moment where like when it hit his face for half a second was like, oh, that smells kind of familiar which was, no, Nick, that's a front massage. You know, we had a terrible moment where, like, when it hit his face, for half a second, was like, oh, that smells kind of familiar. Oh, no. That's where he used to live. I haven't smelled that smell in years. Take me home. Country road.

West vagina. I think the grossest thing I ever, like, the grossest, like, teenage incel thing I ever came across was my buddy Ryan pissed inside the sheath for a toy sword. Oh, no. It was just, like, a precariously balanced, like, sheath full of hot piss in his room. We talked about this. My little brother peed in the broken lightsaber and then just started drinking it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a weird kid. It wasn't not funny. Like, it worked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a weird kid. It wasn't not funny. Like, it worked. Yeah, yeah. Welcome, Andrea. Yeah, so you do art or something? Pretty cool.

What's the weirdest thing you ever peed in? Mostly pools. I don't know. You know, I have such an innocent Midwest-like energy about you. I feel strange bringing you to this place. Yeah, I mean, most of terror happens at me. I'm not really a part of it. It was funny bringing you to the patio

and watching you realize like, I need to clean. I've never seen somebody get OCD in real time before. Yeah. Just the idea of you bringing us muffins and then screaming about piss like five minutes later. No, I've had like a girl over my room like, you know, a while ago and they're like, so how long have you lived here?

I'm like, like a year and a half. And they're like, the curtains are still a blanket and a nail. And I'm like, it works. Yeah, it's a new blanket and a nail. I just need enough coverage so that Keith can't see me jerking off while he's riding on my patio.

And if I'm being totally honest, I still can sometimes. I know. It's a power move at this point. Every dude's apartment looks like MacGyver decorated. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, here's 45 cents in 18 minutes.

Good luck. Oh, yeah, that's the roller skate full of lube. Don't worry about that. I mean, I wanted to keep it someplace kind of out of the way, so it didn't look like I just had lube laying around. Yeah, nobody looks at the roller skate and thinks, I bet it's full of lube. I'll just stuff that full of lube.

I'm just kidding. I don't use lube. Never been a lube guy. I'll use it occasionally. Yeah. For gay, well, I guess you don't penetrate men, but for women, I guess then. Even for women, yeah. Sometimes, because, you know.

I just feel like it always gets so slippery and no one's having a good time. Well, I have what we in the business refer to. Like it's too easy. I have what we in the business refer to as a gnarly hog. I tried a freeze lube once and then I forgot about it. Wait, hold on. I'm hogging down a lady. Second of all, Tom then I forgot about it. Why did you do it? Wait, hold on. First of all, the business of hogging down a lady.

Second of all, Tom, I need you to explain your fucking self right now. Why are you trying to make a lube sickle? I was just curious what would happen, and then I don't know what happened to lube. I wonder if it's still in the freezer. Wait, how long ago was this? Four years. Okay, I really hope it's not still in the freezer. It's going to be discovered, and then there's going to be like a lube auction where it's

like, here, we have a 2014 7-Eleven brand. It's good to hear. That's what I wanted to find out. 10 bitcoins. That's what I wanted to find out. Because it's oil-based. I never went back to figure it out. Yeah, I mean, it would have to be the right lube.

I had a friend that worked at a sex store, and she was always like, oh, my, yeah, it's like using a silicone-based lube. And I was like, I don't fucking know the difference, lady. If you froze lube and then thawed it out, would it still be lube? Could God make a wall so high he himself could not fuck it? Scott trying to dig a glory hole. These were the questions I was trying to answer, and then I got distracted by sex and forgot about the lube so I have no idea

you got distracted by the one use for the lube right I like that you're like alright Tom let's be honest with ourselves we're never using this lube what we can do

is a little bit of home science just throw that in there man it's a real dark episode of Bill Nye yeah make some real slippery ice I feel like that's some shit

Kevin McAllister would do you know in a Home Alone movie it's just. Get like a fucking squirt gun full of Astro Glide and just hit the porch with it real quick. We need to sell that to Wood Rocket right now. Oh shit. Bone Alone.

It's about a guy who's trying to jerk off but his parents keep coming home and catching him so he kills his parents and he comes on their dead bodies. Bone Alone. Coming soon to theaters. That's a dark turn. What every, coming soon to theaters. That's not a dark turn. Yeah, what every porn fan wants to see, murder and a solo male masturbation scene. Yeah, it wasn't until a couple weeks ago I found out they wanted to see scary fake turtle dicks shoot green Cetaphil all over a lady's face.

Oh, yeah, we did that. We did it on Greta's face. I was like, I don't have to see that, right? Yeah, I know you don't. We went to Vegas and roasted. Not until the second segment. Oh, right? Yeah, I know you don't. We went to Vegas and roasted... Not until the second segment. Oh, no. No, I'm kidding.

We went to Vegas and roasted a porn star. Basically, we watched her videos with her. And she did one called 10-Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, shit. I don't want to spoil the ending, but it ends how you think it would. Yeah. I really couldn't imagine. I've only watched two porns in my whole life.

Two porns. Two porns. I smoked one pot. Wait, you've only watched porn twice? Yep. Okay, I have so many questions. That's the first one. Yeah, what circumstances, details, all of it.

I want to know. Well, the first one was with my first boyfriend, and he wanted me to watch Nalin Palin. Man, what a fucking dumb asshole. Yeah, let's get in the mood by watching this novelty politics porn. It was pretty hilarious. It was a good time. And then the other one was just like two girls and one dude.

And I was like, this is fine, I guess. I really thought you were going to say N1Cop. Yeah, you really catfished on the title there. Oh, God. That's adorable. Oh, God. Oh, God. Their hogs are so big.

Oh, no. I'm so afraid. What's he doing with that power tool? Is he a magician? He's trying to saw her in half. Oh, look at the size of that kielbasa. Oh, dear, that pizza's no good no more. Whenever you're confronted by sexual darkness, you just turn into somebody named Barb and just like this.

I think I have to ask the Lord how to feel about this. How's each one blacker than the other one? They're both so black. Subtle racism, but I'm interested. Is this reparations? I remember the first time I had an opportunity to see a boob. My buddies bought Old School on pay-per-view at a sleepover, and then the boobs came on, and I felt guilty, so I closed my eyes.

This is pretty lame. That's tender. That's even cuter than hers. That's really cute. So how did you turn out this, and you turned out that? I don't know. You finally saw that boob. Sexual repression.

I felt very guilty about masturbating when I was young, and I'd try to pray and stop because I thought I'd go to hell or whatever. Even though I wasn't really raised religious, I was just afraid of dying. So I was like, I'll be one of those God guys, you know? And then I basically turned myself into a weird, like, you know, shameful sex guy until about like three months ago. You victimized. Yeah, I know.

And you really burst out of your shell. What were you going to say? Oh, I was surprised that you said you felt bad about masturbating. Oh, when I was a kid? Oh, well, I had a lot of moving parts. Oh, okay. Well, most of his parts didn't move very much, but I mean, mentally. Well, yeah, because I got found out very early on.

My stepdad had porn, and we'd always try and watch it and then rewind it back to where it was, but one time I forgot. So they're like, oh, well, you're gross. And shockingly, the Nazi stepdad didn't have a super nuanced view of my sexual... Awakening. But he was watching it. Oh, by the way, follow up. Well, yeah.

Did I talk about my masturbator on the show and my mom, the text she sent me? No. Oh, yeah. I put this up on Instagram. But yeah, my mom was like, yeah, I didn't throw away your black jerk-off sleeve thing. I just threw away all the towels under your bed. So I guess I must have done it by accident. And I was like, Mom.

It was very funny. Your mom still cleans your room? No, this would have been like seven years ago. Well, that's who that lady was. No, not even. It would have been like 10 years ago. I thought, man, Connor's just trying to fuck people that look kind of like Connor.

I remember the first porn I saw, it was one of my stepdad had and it was like these two ladies and they were fucking in a boxing ring and I remember being just... Okay. I was very naive

because I'm like watching like, you know, one of them's getting eaten out up against the turnbuckle and I'm like, this is all very cool. When are they gonna fight? And like fast forward

into like, all right, like here it comes. I'm like, oh, this isn't Rocky at all. There's a whole series. I don't think they did many of them called Battle Bang, where either two girls fight or two dudes fight, and then the winner fucks. Yeah, I was very briefly going to date one of the girls

who was in one of those. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, neat. Yeah, it didn't really pan out, but she was a nice lady. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to Mimosa. She's out there.

Oh, wow. Mimosa. She's out there. Oh, wow. Mimosa. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. How do you meet these people? Various scumbag avenues. I met her on OKCube, and she's like, oh, I'm an adult entertainer. And then I'm like, oh.

And then I Google it. I'm like, oh, you're a weird adult entertainer. Your fist is going places. Yeah. Every weird subgenre, we were like, that's a thing? Like she had done one of those. Yeah, yeah.

So it's like, you're going to clean your fingernails before the date, right? Because I don't want to get salmonella when I take you out to Raising Cane's. It's adorable. We will be splitting the fries. All right.

Well, hey, we're all fired up. This is a new edition of the Mean Boys Horny Summer Series oh yeah yeah where every episode starts off incredibly sexually which I feel bad about but anywho

let's be a little more wholesome and get into the I've been wholesome okay well you know god forbid I try to cue up a segment we should cue up

this segment though the Mexican joke yay isotopical I'll take it away this week. Scientists at MIT created a psychopathic AI robot by exclusively showing it content from Reddit and 4chan. Find out more in the upcoming film,

Connor McSpadden's Secret Origins. I like, I figured out what we call those, the crazy guy briefcases, attaches. Cool, man. Yeah, all right, guys. A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park.

After he did it, a crowd of onlookers heard a voice say, perfect. And then bison. Yeah, I got it. I never even played Street Fighter.

I just didn't do a very good job this week. A swimmer is attempting to be the first person to swim across the Pacific Ocean. In order to do this, he will have to overcome

his biggest fear, Asian people. Here's my favorite part about watching that, is Tom was just holding the notebook up like a child learning to read. I'm watching your eyes move along the page. The microphone is blocking out half of it, so I had to just do it mom style

and bring it and cover my face. You look like you're about to start singing in a choir. Yeah, yeah. There's a My Pet, yeah. Asian people. Okay. What is this game? Tom, name seven Asian people. Okay, present Buddhist guy.

Jackie Chan. Bruce Lee. That other fight dude. The fight dude's dead son. Jung Lee. He's dead. You're just making Asian noises. No, Bruce Lee had a son

Yeah Brandon Lee Yeah Brandon Yeah yeah Yeah dead guy's son The fat Buddha I don't know about And Oh

Ali Wong That's the fat Buddha No that was A different person She was pregnant Yeah What was I gonna say We drove past Like a Buddha center From like from, like, Tom's old Buddhist cult,

and Tom just shouted the name of it, the really long, like, shout what you shouted in the car, because it was so good. Remember, we're all just, like, having, it's like a... Yeah, we're just like, yeah, here's the conversation. Yeah, I never got the Yoo-Hoo thing. I don't, what are you... Soka Gakkai International Youth Community Center of America. Is what he shouted.

I thought he was gonna turn into a turn into a weird giant fighting robot. He said it was such conviction. Well, I was on my phone and I looked up and I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Like they were tracking you down. Yeah, yeah. No, they're nice people. They're good people.

All right. Andrea. Okay. I'm so sorry. Oh, holy buckets. Oh, dear. Oh, no. I'm so nervous.

Oh, yeah. That was my neighbor. neighbor was from uh north dakota and her son cole we used to play like cole come get your shake and bake anna anna get page you know and just have this fucking hilarious voice you know just like oh cole can play he just got home you know it's just like he got really irish at the end i don't know what the fuck this nonsense woman was. What kind of weird fucking windmill she grew up in. But it's the funniest fucking shit.

Just a lawn gnome accent. Yeah, everything Midwesterners say sounds just super sweet, no matter how racist or horrible it gets. Yeah. It's pretty fun. Okay, what we're saying is, say the N-word. No! Not that one!

Okay. Okay, what we're saying is, say the N-word. No! No! Not that one! Okay, the Miss America pageant will no longer include a swimsuit portion, appeasing thousands of feminists who never watched it anyway, and alienating their entire viewing audience of men too dumb to find boobies on the internet. That was weird when I saw that they're like, we're taking a stand against sexual objectification. I'm like, you're the Miss America pageant. That's the show. That's what it's about. Yeah.

It's the whole brand. It's doing what we do with pigs at a fair, but with ladies on television. So like, let's not act like we're getting it woke. Yeah. It seems awful. What would be kind of cool is just like, who's the like raddest lady contest

where it's just like fucking the chicks from La Tigre and then like, you know, I don't know. Kathleen Hanna is Miss America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God watch the shit out of her. Yeah, they'rere and then like, you know, I don't know. Kathleen Hanna is Miss America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God watch the shit out of them. Yeah, they're just, everyone gets to give a speech and shit and just be like, yeah, I don't know. I put Cheese Whiz on my Doc Martens and it stained them all cool. Yeah, who is the last guy?

Is there like an alternative beauty pageant? I might watch that. I bet it exists. Yeah, probably. I looked up the statistics and the viewership is, I think, 59 and older. So it really is just all people that don't know how the internet works.

Yeah, I guess that is true. It's just old people being like, yeah, she'd be a good daughter. A real good daughter. A very, very good daughter. Oh, I need to stop this from happening. Oh, such a good little girl. A man caught masturbating in public told police he was Captain James T. Kirk. He then said

he was just trying to boldly blow where no man had blown before. Like loads. Yeah, you got it. Tommy Goss is on the tarmac, baby. Vroom. Fucking fire up the jets. Alright, guys. The writing staff of the New Yorker

has unionized under their newly elected leader a bear doing rich people stuff? We took a lot of shots at the New Yorker, considering I guarantee you none of us have ever read it. I haven't read a single thing. I gotta be honest, for a long time, I thought it was just a Family Guy thing.

I read one New Yorker article ever because it was about how the roasts are bad and they cited one of my jokes as one of the reasons they are bad. Really? Yeah, for the Rob Lowe one. That's so cool you got in the New Yorker. I mean, yeah. Okay.

Rumors that Trump has beaten Melania has taken the news. One man heard Trump... Sorry, what did you even just say? Has taken the news. Has taken the news. By storm or foot or whatever you want. It's taken it. And now taking the news by foot.

One man heard Trump hitting his wife screaming, you ordered our food burnt again. What? It made it more sensitive. It did get cut off. Here's the deal. I promise you it did not. What? That's the stereotypical one.

It's like, you cook the food and it's burnt. Oh, but she doesn't cook the food. Yeah, they're rich and they're just... Here's what we're going to do. When we throw to the sketch, I'm going to have you go write a book report on why what you did is bad. And when you come back, we'll make fun of that. Okay. You'll never win.

Sounds good. Andrea, you're up. Oh, okay. I know how line circles work. Okay. Line circles? Squares? Oh, man. You caught Tom. Squares. We gotta put you down behind the house now. I'm just a girl,

Tom. Let's be honest. In an annoyingly coy marketing campaign, IHOP announced that it will be changing its name to IHOB. Presumably, so you can still pronounce it after getting sick from eating there. I don't know.

First of all, the mom is fast. Okay, that's never existed. What is IHOP? We're on the same team. I like that. I don't know. Is your lip swelling up because you have an allergic reaction to boysenberry?

You're like, pancakes. Because you're sick. When you get a stuffy nose, okay. You get sick. Well, you think sick from a restaurant, you think diarrhea, unless you're like talking, unless you can make your butt

fart the name of restaurants. I assume you can get all the diseases from IHOP. What if you could name, what if you could fart restaurant names? You guys ever get pancake syphilis? Barbies. You know, that'd be cool. So many things just happened at once.

I'm just trying to save Andrea's joke, guys. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm trying to take some of the heat off her. Let it die. This is a Terry Shavo situation. Yeah, maybe just let it go.'s joke, guys. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm trying to take some of the heat off her. Let it die. This is a Terry Chavo situation. Yeah, maybe just let it go. The joke has the right to die.

It's Terry Chavo. Thank you very much. Wait, what did I call him? Terry Chavo. Oh, shut up. Which sounds like a guy who makes model train videos on YouTube. Hey, welcome back to Terry Chavo's train basement. Hermione Granger of references from nine years ago.

Today, protecting your trains from the divorce. Number one, you're going to want to hide them. Terry Shive was the dance lady who can't move anymore. Now, if you've got a big butt like me, you can hide some of the trains in your butt. No one wants to look there. Nobody at all. I've been turned down by three colonoscopists. Katujas, Thomas the Tank Engine, just suffering from PTSD.

That'd be funny if you got friends owned by like A shaky wheel holding a cup of coffee That'd be funny if you got friends owned by a butt doctor Who'd just be like I'm gonna have to transfer you Yeah, there's another guy in the next room Yeah, you look just like the guy that hit my daughter So that'd be my excuse, you know

I'd probably start, you know Taking revenge With my butt tools Yesterday Butt tools We have an episode title Butt tools I'd probably start, you know, taking revenge with my butt tools. Yesterday. Butt tools. Do you have an episode title? Butt tools.

Woo-hoo. Butt tools. This is one of the weirder episodes we've done in a while. No, it's good. Yesterday marked the 50th anniversary of Robert Kennedy's assassination, and his legacy is boldly carried forward by Tom. Not politically. He's just got a dumb voice, and he's probably going to die on our kitchen floor.

Wait, Robert Ford? Robert Kennedy. Oh, okay. Who do you think that is? Robert Kennedy. He was in the Kennedy Brothers Band. I don't know. I like the Bacon Brothers Band. I just pictured the Super Kennedy Brothers,

like they're Mario and Luigi. You guys play Super Bush Bros? We're going to jump on top of these women trying to tell everybody about what we did. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Fucking. Okay, guys. Yeah.

Ikea has banned single-use plastic utensils from its stores. They will continue selling single-use furniture. It's bad, bad furniture, guys. Hey. That was a Leno-ass joke. Yeah. Tom? Oh, guys. Hey. That was a Leno-ass joke. Yeah. Tom? Oh, okay.

Four score and seven pages of fat. Parents in San Diego are protesting what they are calling pornographic sex ed classes. One parent said, everything they need to know about sex can and will happen at school, at church.

Damn it. That was like watching Luke Skywalker's X-Wing get so close to the fucking port and then he just goes... Tom, I feel like right before you fuck someone, your dick like the pee hole farts and you're just like, oh, oops. Your dick just turns into a butt.

Dude, what if Oh man That had nothing to do With the joke I know You guys need to take Those sex ed classes That's what's wrong

Yeah Yeah Do you guys have a sex ed Riff My mom wouldn't let me Take the sex ed class Yeah Cause that was during

Her weird Jesusy phase Uh huh So basically I went over To my buddy's house As opposed to Other normal phases Yeah Honestly the Jesusy one

Was maybe the worst one Yeah Cause it was like Well you're still a bad mom And I'm not allowed to watch Evil Dead anymore. That's really what it boiled down to. Yeah, yeah.

But no, so I went to my buddy Chris's house and he was always kind of the go-to sex guy because he had lesbian moms so we learned a lot of stuff from him. Interesting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty gross because we would have to sleep over at the house and then we would all just kind of like listen to his mom's fuck through the wall.

What? Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny. We didn't quite know what it was. We were like, they're both girls. What do they do?

Do they, like, is it like a, can they tag in a dick? Like, what happens? But, no, yeah, he had, like, the sex ed, like, the book or whatever. So I basically learned how fucking worked while I watched him play Turok. And I watched him play for, like, 45 minutes before. I'm like, oh, you fuck. You've had God mode on the whole time, and that's why I can't play. Oh, wow.

So I would have never learned to fuck if he didn't know the God mode cheat code. Well, shout out to GameShark for enabling Keith's fucking path of destruction. Thanks, cum genie. I got kicked out of every school right before sex ed started for him and then I go to the next school

and they're like, it just ended. So I never took it. Did you do some hilariously Midwestern sex ed class uh i think we had like one class we're like put a condom on a banana but i was still like i don't understand why people are having sex i didn't get it do i have to put the banana in there oh no yeah pretty much i was like like i didn't even know like no one explained that sex was good for girls and i was just like this is not worth like i don't want to get pregnant. And this doesn't seem fun.

Yeah, it seems like a no-win scenario. Yeah, I didn't thought the only guys could come. I didn't know that girls could come. I didn't know girls could come. So I was just like, well, that's something you guys are doing. And I'm going to stay in school. I support you, fellas. I got really good grades.

Yeah, a friend of mine got an American Girl book where it didn't have a clitoris for the vagina, so she thought she just had a shame button. An American Girl book? Yeah, yeah. Why did it have no pants on? No, I guess it was like, here's how your pussy works, dipshit.

The book. That's what? You know? Yeah, yeah. Did you like lift... I didn't see the book. Is there like a covered wagon that you lifted

and it's like a pop-up book? Yeah, all right. Well, you're 30. That's how your pussy works, dipshit. Yeah, the book. Yeah, well, that's basically what it was. Like, you know. Oh, yeah.

You might think it's broken, but that's just because, good job, you didn't let anyone blow and you had good enough. So it was. Like, you know, oh, yeah, you might think it's broken, but that's just because good job. You didn't let anyone blow and you're good enough. So it was like carved out like a circumcision for the book? Like what? I don't think the librarian was like, well, let me get my exacto knife and censor this. I think it just didn't include the clitoris in the diagram.

That is a disservice to women everywhere. Oh, yeah. No, it's fucked up. No, I agree. I'm so upset. But it's just the idea of like, you know know they had a meeting and they're just like, alright, who wants to mail a picture of a clit to a bunch of children? And nobody

in the office was like, yeah, I'll do it. That was the funniest thing you've ever said. Oh, here's how your pussy works, dipshit. Well, we have a sex ed book to write. Ooh, yeah, yeah, that would be fun. Here's how your pussy works, dipshit. Hey, little dipshit. Yeah.

Do you feel warm when you listen to bands down there? Oh, I will say, I didn't know girls could enjoy sex, but when I heard the song Pony by Genuine, I felt things, and I was like, this feels sexual. That was like two years ago. No, that song came out like 15 years ago, Tom. Oh, okay. Tom, what about Wreck-It Mike or whatever the fuck that movie's called. It's Wreck-It Ralph, and you look exactly like him.

It's come out many times. No, the Man Strip one. The Man Strip? Oh, Magic Mike. Yeah, Magic Mike came out. Wreck-It Mike. That would be a better name. That's a great point.

Wreck-It Mike. Tom Goss. This summer. One man. No, Wreck-It Ralph is great. I love that trying to understand what Tom is talking about and keep up with him is like, it's like putting together a Rubik's Cube while you're falling out of a helicopter.

It's so great. It's just, it's like a beautiful mind. It's gorgeous. I love it. Yeah, it's like, yeah. It's like Picasso jokes. What were we just talking about before Wreck-It Mike? Dipshit pussies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it's like, jokes. What were we just talking about before I wrecked it, Mike? Dipshit pussies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, it's like, I don't know. Yeah, I'll work on it. All right, cool. Andrea, you're up. Okay, I'm ready. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told the Senate Committee that the Federal Commission on School Safety will not focus on the role that guns play in school violence.

When asked for clarification, she responded by putting her hands over ears and saying, nah, nah, nah, nah, I can't hear you. Goddamn. She's a horrible person, I'm so upset. Don't talk about my education secretary like that. I think that'd be funny to have a bumper sticker like

not my comptroller is he bad I didn't even I didn't know what does he do do we have one of those yeah yeah not my transportation

board authority party head I think he's mine I don't know do I have to google it yeah a delivery driver who brought food

to an army base was arrested by ICE and faces deportation finally somewhere besides porn where the pizza guy got fucked. Hey. He literally was just like,

I brought the pizza, and they were like, oh, yeah, you're going to Mexico now. Yeah, it sucked pretty bad. And you gotta wonder if they tipped him before they called the police. I guess it's not. Yeah.

They still should have. Yeah, like, well, your life's ruined. Here's a fiver for your trouble. Here's a tip. You're getting out of here. Here's how your freedom works, dumb shit. Instagram may soon allow users to post hour-long videos. Your concert footage will still suck and nobody cares.

Oh, that's so bad. That's why. Yeah, right? Oh, man, the guys at Vice who read that were just like, Oh, yeah! We're going to suck all over the place now. Get ready to learn 12 things you didn't know about juggalos. And anywhere?

Wait, like in the feed? Like forever? Like what Vice does with journalism is just like the guy who's just like, well, yeah, let me keep tapping it on your face for a while, though. Which is like pretty cool, huh? Yeah. I bet you didn't know about the traditional saints of drug cartels. Well, here's a fucking listicle

about them, you stupid whore. Fucking click on it, America. I lost what you were talking about. Are we still talking about Wreck-It Ralph? The website. The website vice. I love it, though.

I mean, I'm not going to pretend like I haven't watched a couple good vice docs. I've never watched anything. I do love the one about, like, it's called Sisa, the cocaine of the poor, and it just falls around this... The guy looks like an anime character who's got love the one about, it's called Sisa, the Cocaine of the Poor, and it just falls around this,

the guy looks like an anime character who's got this big goofy hair and he's just like smoking. Yeah, Rick and Ralph. Yeah, yeah. He's smoking this weird like Drano meth

and he's like, I do it, the drugs, and then I fuck up their face. He's just like this evil like street urchin who's just driven mad by it. He's like,

I make a love on Sisa and ah! I like it even if Tom thinks Wreck-It Ralph is a Vice documentary. Oh yeah, you know that expose he did about all the wrecking he did? You know, Ralph. He wrecks stuff. Yeah, Ralph Nader.

Wreck-It Ralph Nader. Dude, if he was running and he had that ad, if he could get the licensing from DreamWorks, buddy, wow. It's a Disney movie. We'd be in for maybe 4% of the vote. I thought it was DreamWorks. It's not. I don't know why that matters to me, but it matters so much.

Okay. Yeah. All right. A California startup is trying to create an Uber for kids. Sorry, I need to go around to read my shit. Yeah. A California startup is trying to create an Uber for kids. Expect a lot of sex traffic on the 5, the 405, and the 101.

You fucking asshole. Sex traffic. Tom wrote one good joke eight months ago. I wrote four good jokes. He just keeps tapping back to the well. Meanwhile in Malibu. Oh, God. The job applications at Uber for Kids

must be pretty nightmarish. Several people in, I think, both Vegas and Denver were like, you should do another sex track. It's Uber, but the R is backwards? Uber. How? Are they doing... Like, what are the background checks, though?

Yeah, they already have it. It's called Vans. You just wait around. You know where you need to go. Like sneakers. That's the thing, yeah, because Uber already doesn't really back up. Not really. It's terrifying Vans. You just wait around. That's the thing. Uber already doesn't really back. Not really. It's terrifying. Have you seen the commercials Uber's been running

lately? No. They're running all these commercials where the CEO is like, we're going to do better and all this. We're going to do better background checks. The commercial could just be called, sorry, so many people got raped. It's just clearly like, we fucked up a lot. Now we need a grown up in a suit to apologize. I'm surprised there isn't a women-only ride share.

There is. Oh, there is? Yeah. Okay, that's cool. It's just not popular. I don't remember. Fuck. I want to find that.

It might be out of business. It's called Uber, but they can't drive. It's called Gash Cab. Oh, my God. I know it exists, though. With Barb Bailey. Yeah. I know it exists. I know it's all female. With Barb Bailey. Yeah. I know it exists.

I know it's all female riders, all female drivers. I don't remember what it's called because it's cool. We've easily done five to ten jokes about it on this show. Well, I feel bad. I've had girlfriends that travel a lot. I was just like, well, yep, I called an Uber and he looked weird, so I guess I'm late to my flight. Yeah, I have done that. There was a dude in the show up and I was like, no, it was not me.

Wait, half the Ubers I've ever taken, I'm just like, man, if I were a girl, I would be so bummed out right now. Yeah. Because I'm not thrilled, and I'm me. Yeah, sometimes you're like- When I've had the Uber driver, I'll take an Uber pool, and then it'll be like, ooh, picking up Jennifer. Let's see what Jennifer looks like.

And I'm like, ew, yikes. Or no. Oh, okay, yeah. Check out GOSFR, G-O-S-A-F-R If you're a lady And you don't have a license Because you're drunk That's the sponsor

For this week GOSAFR sounds like Like GOSAFR sounds like If ducks had a devil Yeah yeah yeah GOSAFR Fucking I don't like people

That are half black I'm racist Oh no The pond of fire I'm the bird devil It's people that are half black. I'm racist. Oh, no, the pond of fire. I'm the bird devil. It's bad to be half black. Half black. Half black.

Yeah, yeah. All right. This is not me saying it. It's the bird devil. Write your hate tweets to at Gooseifer. I can't get a gauge on how uncomfortable you are right now. Oh, I'm very comfortable. Oh, okay.

Yeah. The racism just washes right over me. It feels like home. Like water off of Guccifer's back, you know? Like water off a cuck's back. It's when you're bathing your alt-right husband. I can't reach. Mom!

That's what he calls his girlfriend. It's Mike Pence Get my fucking Get my bat wing crumbs mom That's such a disturbing visual What if I told you about eating cookies in bed What if I told you about shutting up and getting my bat crumbs I'm a man I want chips ahoy Ooh clips ahoy

That's what we should call this podcast Oh no That's my response to that this podcast. Oh, no. That's my response to that. We got to rebrand, dude. Hard pass. Well, you know what? I'll leave you guys.

I'll just leave you here at the bottom while I head to the top of the charts. All right. Well, congratulations. You're a full-time mean boy now, Andrea. Oh, yay. You're the natural successor to Connor. We look very similar. You kind of do.

You would make you could be brother and sister. Yeah, if I didn't have makeup on, yeah. Wow. brother and sister yeah if i didn't have makeup on yeah wow shade or connor didn't have makeup i'm sorry i didn't get dolled up up to come to the podcast for you i do love that i can always like i can tell your mood by how sunken your eyes are at any given you guys i'm so tired i haven't you look you look ghoulish oh i know yeah yeah it's been a special translucency to your skin you know yeah well i just had these he's like one of them fish at the bottom of the ocean in the dark like you see through yeah like i actually was looking for the joke off for newly discovered sea creatures with translucent skin so i could make fun but i couldn't find i hooked up with a girl and like i took my shirt off and she's just like oh my god you're so white i was like all right and she's like i'm not in god, you're so white. And I was like, all right.

And she's like, not in a bad way, just you're really, really white. And I was like, uh-huh, yeah, I get it. You are like problematically white. Yeah, I mean, what are we going to do? I'm not going to go tan. You've got a pinkish tone. Yeah, I mean, you could just take your shirt off in the sun for eight minutes and be not Conan O'Brien.

No, I'm just going to turn pinker. We don't tan. Naked mole rat style. Oh, God, he does look like a naked mole rat. Yeah. Yeah, like Kim Kardashian. Like the ones that rap or whatever. Who is the cartoon Kim?

Yeah, maybe don't call Armenians rats after we did the whole Aflac thing. You mean Kim Possible, you stupid asshole. Kim Possible Kardashian. I'm very attractive. I'm an excellent lover. Thank you very much for your time, guys.

Let's move on. Let's get the rest of this over with. That mole rat did have swag. He had high confidence. He had swag. That mole rat. He got me feeling all hyphy.

You're like, that's a rat that fucks. Yeah, for sure. He's a fucking two-bit Perry the Platypus and I won't have his name brought up on this program anymore. You guys met rats that's a rat that fucks. Yeah, for sure. He's a fucking two-bit Perry the Platypus, and I won't have his name brought up on this program anymore. Have you guys met rats that don't fuck? Rats fuck a bunch.

How many rats have you met? I don't know. How many mirrors are in the house? Three, I think. Like you went to a wine and mostly cheese party. One time I dated a girl in high school that really liked Perry the Platypus, so I just bought like five Perry the Platypuses, so whenever I pissed her off, she'd be like, I got really liked Perry the Platypus, so I just bought like five Perry the Platypuses, so whenever I pissed her off, she'd be like,

I got you a Perry the Platypus. What are Perry the Platypuses? It's from Phineas and Ferb. Yeah. I just love the idea of you buying bulk stuffed animals and keep giving the same. No, I got like different ones. I found like a Perry the Platypus display,

and I was like, time to stock up. Because you boys be forgetting birthdays out here on these streets i i've always been a um a uh a robotic sociopath you are the most likable monster i've ever met yeah yeah it's just like someone yeah i was talking to someone some girl and she was just like are you really like talking right now i was like i don't know kind of like i guess yeah i mean i'm trying to be earnest but you know i'm just like i i'm just sort of uh i just i i just like analyze how people kind of talk and i just try to do that you know so it's just like i mean i was like i i said this i was like a c i'm like i'm like my speech is mechanical but in that mechanism you could see a glimpse of

my soul and she's like all right uh so you are pretty white i know i said earlier that tom seemed reptilian i'd like to move that over don't be ridiculous right am i irish i'm not yeah i'm a free spirit it's different i'm more like a bird i'm not allowed on an airplane. I live in a big tree. Terrify beach goers. Fucking Corinne Barley Ray. Bok bok, bitch! God, I just pictured a nightmare of looking over and seeing this cloud of birds. And then as they get closer, you see they all have Tom's head.

Yeah, cock-a-doodle-meow! It's just Tom's face with wings You guys like pizza? Yeah like if Tom became a zoo bat Basically That would be sick If someone sent me a Tom zoo bat Or a gold bat

Make him the weaker bat We can't even let him have that Make Keith gold bat Cause he's the biggest And make me crow bat Cause I'm the strongest and the best. Wait, there's a third bat? Yeah, Crobat. You dumb whore.

You don't know shit about Pokemon. It's from one of those bitch worlds, though. It's not the original. You don't know anything about Pokemon. Crobat sounds like one of those weird hybrid pastries. They make at Hipster Bakery. They're all the best Pokemon, so it's like... As a guy who played a little competitive Pokemon in high school, I think Crobat was

viable with certain movesets. Anyway. Psychic. All about the psychic. Bats were half psychic, right? There were psychic cave dwellers or whatever the fuck their deal was. I think you're thinking of your ancestors, but I don't... A bunch of telepathic dwarves

who were just like, ah, yeah, the rocks feel sad today. I'm going to hit them and put them out of their misery. Oh, okay, there's some gold. That's soft enough to chew. Yeah, I don't have no teeth no more, but yeah, I'm married to this pound of earth. Yeah, I got in a fight with the world.

Holy shit. Yeah, I'm afraid of the sun. It reminds me of hope. That's not a good thing to be reminded of in this business. Man, day is just hot night. Whose turn is it? I think it's on Shae's. I think it's mine. Is this round four or five? This is four. Round five, I think. Oh, this is four.

Oh, yeah. No, you're last round four. The Curiosity rover found the building blocks for life on Mars. Still no word on how every towel in this house got up there. Hey, the fuller come over. Hey, spunked.

Spongity doo. I've never seen a piece of loose cloth in this house that I didn't just assume was full of a load. I mean, my room is pretty... I have to talk about this, by the way. We had just a house meeting the other day where basically... Our house meetings are generally just our other roommates being like,

hey, you know you guys are all gross, right? We sure are. And they're like, cool, thanks. Just making sure you know. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, yo, we just found condoms outside your room. And like, it's cool if you fuck, but don't leave your condoms. And I was like, I've definitely fucked.

And my room is outside, so there's no way it's someone else's condom. I don't know how the condoms got outside. Yeah. Because I never took one there. Are you tracking them out in your shoes like dust? Like when a nerd walks out of the bathroom with a toilet paper. My only thought is there's some sort of like the possum that lives in our house is like grabbing it, trying to take it outside and then getting burned by it. Like when the guy grabs the amulet out of the fire in raiders of the lost ark

she's like no i didn't get most of those references i know you didn't well they're not for you if uh if men's right liberty and tom lycus has taught me anything it's that the women are taking the condoms outside and trying to impregnate themselves with them when they go to the bathroom obviously because they want to lock down all your. But they're not even making it to the bathroom. They have that plan. They get outside and they're like, not like this. Yeah. No, I mean, that was like a Tom Legas day.

He was like, you put Tabasco in your spent condoms so that women can't try to make themselves pregnant with your leftover jizz. And I'm just like, the guys who think that's an issue, no way is it an issue. She's trying to take half of my startup t-shirt company. I just got this green printing equipment in the mom's garage. By the way, shout out to Doom Tunes. That's a good one.

Oh yeah, we got some free t-shirts from Doom underscore Tunes on Instagram. Thanks for all the shirts. I like the idea of you put Tabasco in the spent condom and the girl tries to scoop the cum out to make a sneaky baby and it just comes out as a tiny you but Mexican. You're just born with a sombrero. Hola, padre.

He runs away all quick, you know. We find like a small encampment of them living under the trash and they're just like, he has returned. Ah, speedy bastardo. Dad? Dude, Keith, if you had like a half Mexican eight-year-old son, nothing would be funnier in the world.

Just like to meet that little guy. Well, as somebody who just had sex with a Mexican girl, let's be cool on that idea. Knock on wood. Okay. Yeah, don't want to put a baby in there. Yeah, it's your turn, I think. All right.

Make it a child. Classic Mexican accent. Yep. A new study says suicide rates are up 33% in the past two years. This study was published in the New England Journal of Stuff that makes a ton of sense. Not a great joke. I like that you fist bump for suicide like it was a band you like. Yeah, yeah.

All right, dying young. Yeah, go Ducks. This is all pointless. A far-right European politician had his clothes stolen while swimming. He realized when he left the pool after learning playing Marco Polo wasn't a game about raping indigenous people. Oh, no. Oh, dear.

I'm indicting the conquerors of the past, you guys. I'm being woke. Right after the Mexican baby run. I just think it would be funny if you had a mixed race kid. That would be pretty cool. I want a whole interracial brood, but they all just have my dumb face. That would be like a We Are The World thing. Yeah, and they all have to wear the racist hat of their country of origin so you can tell which one they are.

Instead of swaddling, it's just a burrito wrapper. You have a tinfoil diaper on him? It looks like somebody ordered catering from Chipotle. This burrito's loud. Yeah. This is a loud burrito. I mean, I just mostly think

it would be fun so you could just be like, all right, is mom cool enough to meet her grandson yet? Nope. All right. Well,

maybe next Christmas. I just gauge by which, all right, she's cool with the Russian one, the Irish one, and she's warming up to the Korean one. We can work our way

to the Puerto Rican main. Well, she's like, yeah, they do believe in race purity. And you're like, all right, well, maybe we just keep it with the Russian one.

Yeah, alright, we'll check in when you're ready for Keith Carnitas. For some reason, I'm giving them different last names. They'll have your first name. Yeah, the house Keith is strong. Yeah, the girl named the girl Keith Kimchee is not super thrilled. Well, they're all like George Foreman.

They all have your first name, but then the middle names are all different. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah yeah i got 19 georges yeah he he names them all after himself please tell me he has a daughter named george i think it's george i think he has several kids that all have his name oh yeah no he does that's fucking awesome who is this george forman who do you think that is oh he's the grill man oh he's he's the space Flintstones. Yeah, punchy grill. Yeah, no, he punched someone famous in a boxing ring, and now he makes cooking supplies. That's correct.

That's a great summation. I like that you found a way to be right but make it sound really dumb. That's how I do. I got a George Foreman grill. All right, Fatty McConaughey. I was real fucking disappointed with my George Foreman grill purchase when I was younger. Really? You bought a George Foreman grill purchase when I was younger. Really? You bought a George Foreman grill?

From the boxer? Yeah, yeah. You expected a better grill from the guy? I did, yeah. I was suckered by the commercials. I bought one, and I was like, well, I'm going to eat healthy. Yeah, this will teach me how to fight. I was just getting into bodybuilding, and I was like, well, yeah, I'm going to grow up

some chicken and vegetables, and I'll have that with my protein. And then I just fucking, it was just always sticky. You couldn't clean it. It was a piece of shit. Right. Yeah, so enjoy female ride-sharing and t-shirts where they draw Simpsons characters to look like they're dead. Okay?

That's what the Mean Boys believes in. And George Foreman's a huge Trump supporter, actually. I don't know if you guys knew. A huge what? He's a huge Trump supporter. I mean, that makes sense. I think so, yeah. Yeah, he's been hit a lot in the head.

Oh, wow. Damn, New Yorker Tom makes a real... Yeah, Tom just sold that joke to Joy Behar for $5,000. I riffed it. Calm down. That was a good riff. Yeah, here's one I wrote. Oh, no.

A burglar was caught shitting on the driveway from a house he just stole from. The driveway from a house he just... Yeah, yeah. The audio caught him saying, really should have stole some toilet paper. Wow, talk about a turd burglar. Am I right, guys? The Mean Boys podcast

will be right back right after this. Wait, wait. Oh. You guys have anything you want to say? Andrea had another joke. Oh, it's okay.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I was trying to, yeah. My bad. Andrea, go for it. Oh, no. Well, I'm really glad we cut back to me for this. Elon Musk appeared emotional.

Wait, let me say that again. Reigning supervillain Elon Musk narrowly avoided being voted out of his chairman position at Tesla last week, making for a company picnic with the same vibe as that time your babysitter showed you his dick, and then you told your mom, and then he still had to be your babysitter the next week. Wow. Here's what really did happen. You just confessed to a weird thing that happened when you were a kid. Talk about a turd burglar.

I'm glad that didn't get dropped. Is that real, Andrea? That's a real thing. That's why you like to show. Wait, so your babysitter showed you his dick Yep And then I told my mom and she's like Well I talked to him about it But no one else can watch you next week

You know this show really is like Trauma immersion therapy for suburban 12 year olds Where just like something bad happened to us So let's just like just keep Making jokes about it It is a stand up where like I want just keep making jokes about it. It is a stand-off. We're like, I want to make some jokes about it. Please make all the jokes. I'm totally fine. I didn't touch it. He just showed it to me. I mean, did they

cut his pay at least? I don't know. You'll have to take the help of my mom. You can only have stuff from the top shelf of the fridge. I guess, what is that called? Like setting a dick play? Because it's live? It's not a dick pic. It's more of like, I would say, a flashing situation. It's just like your parents, like, look, in his defense, we didn't write, don't show our daughter your dick.

We write it on the rules. He doesn't do it next time. Your dad showed him his dick. It was a whole thing. It's just passing. You know, flash our child once. Shame on me. Or you.

I don't know. Don't show her your dick. Yeah, it was weird. Well, you're going to hit the next segment where we all show you our dicks. I mean, I've seen enough dicks by now, you know? Yeah, you get the gist. I'm like, they're all pretty much the same, take or leave. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Well, I will say the super tiny ones are still a surprise. Those are upsetting. The super tiny ones are still a surprise. I like to It's upsetting. The super tiny ones are still a surprise. I like to put a toothpick in them and serve them at my hors d'oeuvre. When you pull a dick out and it's like super small, it's like a bad miracle. You're like, I can't believe this happened. Yeah. I don't know what happened.

I had a girl tell me the other day, she's like, your dick's not huge, but it's way bigger than I thought it was going to be. I have a whole bit about this. Girls have said that to me and it's like so hurtful because it means I seem like a small dicked man yeah yeah it's got that point well yeah I sent her a picture of it and she was like

well yeah I was like comparing it to my thumb and I was like I got big man thumbs lady alright how dare you I got man thumbs yeah man thumbs a guy sent me a picture

of his dick on Grindr recently and it looked like he took a picture mid cum shot which was first of all very impressive that's amazing and second of all

like the way it looks like I'm imagining like the soccer photographer just like stop motion it looks like I'm imagining the soccer photographer just like... Stop motion? Yeah. It looks like his dick is vaping. Oh yeah, I did see that. That's kind of beautiful. It looks like a ghost. Is it wrong that I want to see this? I will show it to you right now. I want to see this so bad.

How did he do rings? I mean, that's very... He must have had some kind of implant. Well, it's just like the motion of it, because you always see it you know, like, does it become like an orb? I don't even know when I'm going to cum when I'm going to cum. You know? I can't show it to you never you always see it you know like does it become i don't even know when i'm gonna come when i'm gonna come you know i can't show you right now because i forgot i deleted but i'll read that one at some point don't you lose your messages when you delete grind oh shit damn it i lost the greatest dick pic of all time all right if you were in the echo park area and you this is a denver colorado dick all right denver all right it's a long shot but put up

some pictures we're looking for vaping dicks. If you consider yourself an artist and you want to... Be part of the legacy of this terrible show. Yeah. Well, that was fun, guys. We'll be right back right after this. It's Pride Month, and here at Bank of America, we believe that love is love. We support the LGBT community and have ever since we realized you people have like a shitload of expendable income. Some of you may be thinking, how do you actually support the LGBT community? Have you done anything to actually put your money where your mouth is on this? Or did you just put a rainbow on your logo for the month to cravenly grasp at the wallets of the gay community?

And to that, we say, yes, queen. That's right. Bank of America is the gayest bank there is. How gay are we? Our credit card started 5.56 adjustable annual interest. Get it? It's like that song from Rent. That shit's like the national anthem to you horny animals. I mean us. Us horny animals. Seriously, here at Bank of America, we fuck and we fuck gay. Really just power bottoming it out here in the financial district. Bank of America did poppers and got barebacked by a Puerto Rican twunk right before we recorded this commercial.

Seriously, it went down. There was so much, you know, lube and poopy cum. You guys love that shit, right? Sometimes Bank of America goes to the gym and just hangs out in the locker room just to see what's up. Really just get an eyeful of all that dangling old man-tongue. See those ball sacks just turkey-necking around, slapping up against some hairy thighs?

Yeah, that's, uh, oof, that's great. We love that gay-ass shit. Anyway, that's our story, and you can't prove we're lying. As a proud, dignified member of the LGBT family, you owe it to yourself to trust your sweet Chinese baby adoption fund with a financial institution so faggoty our friends call us the Sperm Bank. Bank of America, prep for your future. Get it?

It's like the fucking AIDS pills. Look, you guys have so much money. Please just give us your fucking money. Hello and welcome back to the Meat Force Podcast. I'm Tom Goss and I'm about to introduce a brand new game to the show. You're doing an introduction to your introduction, you dumb shit. Brand new game here. I want to see what Will is doing in bed.

He's so bad right now. Do it. Feel it. Tom's dancing on a podcast. Okay. You're the one who asked me to do it. I know. Why do you keep listening to me?

I'm going to lead you astray. Okay. All right. So this game, there was a different version of this game played. The very first episode of Mean Boys, I think, called Kill Fuck Mary. But it's completely different. So I'm going to read a comment to you guys. And you guys have to.

It's from the internet. Comment from the internet. We kind of assumed. And you guys have to figure out if they were commenting on either a video or an article or whatever where someone was either killed, fucked, or married. Tight. Yeah, yeah. A guy where someone's being murdered, fucked, or married.

I love this guy. This is going to be fun. I'm excited. I'm definitely watching Tom have to be professional broadcast. Should we just continue playing the music? I can't tell. No, I turned off the music. This is going to be fun. I'm excited. I'm just watching Tom have to be professional broadcast. Should we just continue playing the music? I can't tell. No, I turned off the music. I forgot about that bit. Just keep it loaded up, and when he does something dumb,

I need you to play it again. Well, I looked up dumb guy tuba music, but I'm not finding it. We think you mean ska? Polka? Yeah, Polka's a dumb guy. All right, you guys ready for round one? Let's do it.

All right. Quote, who is her father, question mark, end quote. Oh, Jesus. Oh, man. Killed, fucked, or married? Ooh, okay. What do you think? I gotta figure it's fucked.

Okay. Okay. I. Okay. I think married. Because he's hopefully walking her down the aisle. Man, I love the hopeful spirit. And I love that we're going to watch it crush. Well, maybe he's giving her a present. Oh, yeah.

No, it's definitely fucked. She was in porn or doing something sketchy. I think it was a racist person commenting on an interracial marriage. Oh. Yeah, that's my guess, if I know the internet. Okay. All right. Final answer.

Marriage. Woo! Wow, I got it. It was Chelsea Clinton wedding news reports. Oh, man. People think they're so clever. Wouldn't it be funny if there was just one guy who genuinely was like, yeah, I'm a big Chelsea Clinton fan.

I wonder who that is. Like, genuinely didn't know. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Is it George Clinton? The, like, Herbie Hancock guy? Yeah. Yeah, that's weird.

Good for him. Next one. Finally, someone adopting white babies. I love a happy ending. Kill, fuck, marriage. Kill. A hundred percent. Yeah, it adopting white babies. I love a happy ending. Kill, fuck, marriage. Kill. A hundred percent kill. Yeah, it's got to be kill.

It's got to be like some guy that... Somebody died in a massage parlor. Yeah, it's probably someone on Avicii's death. You know, someone like, oh, DJs, I love a happy ending. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something rude like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of crude humor we don't care for on this program.

No, not at all. I'm going to go with fuck. Because I hope no one's dead. Fuck. I cast my vote for fornicate. You think someone's just gonna have a handjob or something? I just want to do dramatic readings of like

CSI opening scenes. Oh, it looks like someone cut off the fingers and used them to cover up the bleeding in the butt. You know? Oh, wow. Where did his eyes go? That's where the butt. Oh, wow. Where did his eyes go? That's where the slingshot came in. Have you read weird, violent slash fiction?

That's what I want to do. All right, Tom, what do we got? It was killed. A death row inmate hung himself. Oh, Jesus. Yikes. I'm going two for two on this shit, baby. Wait, why is there a video?

Oh, I guess there's a video. No, no, no. It was a news article. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. Yeah, yeah. All right. BuzzFeed did a reenactment of it with sock puppets.

Next one. His dad is absolutely deaf. Killed, fucked, or married. Sorry, deaf? Deaf with an F. Oh, it's got to be like a guy fucking in his parents' house. So I'm going to say fuck. I agree.

Fuck. Yeah, that's my thought as well. Did I ever say, but when the girl wanted to have sex and I was like, yeah, my parents are upstairs sleeping and she was like, well, we could just be really quiet.

So we just had sex in my room and I turned on all the fans and I was like, this will drown it out. I like that you said it like it's crazy and not just how everyone fucked when they lived at home. I just felt bad.

I just was like, well, man, you're better. You're a nice lady. One point I was living with a girl and her mom and we were dating and it bad. I just was like, wow, man, you're better. You're a nice lady. At one point, I was living with a girl and her mom, and we were dating, and it was this weird thing of like, well, I guess we're going to fucking just bum your mom out. I mean, I pay

my third of the rent. I sure didn't. Yeah, yeah. No, the mom was super paying all the rent. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. She's the dog lady. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. All right, Tom, what do we got? Oh, it was... Did everyone answer?

Everyone said fuck? Yeah, I said fuck. You guys are right. Maybe I'm not very good at putting this together. It was from a porno titled, First thing to do after school is to jizz a mom's mouth. Okay, what's the second thing to do after school? I don't know.

Gogurt. That's kind of the same thing. Well, school? I don't know. Go-Gurt. That's kind of the same thing. Well, and if she's a really good mom, she swallows and she also pulls it out of the freezer afterwards next to Tom's lube. Oh, I mixed up the lube and the Go-Gurt again. Why don't they put it in tube form? She's running for the house. Ma!

I mean, it's strawberry flavored, but I'm getting the stomachache. All right. Soda, purple stuff, runny D. Next one. Runny D. Yes. You can't come in my mouth until you do your homework. Why is it so yellow, though?

Oh, no. Just like a little yellow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, there's some pee in that. Next one. Lowest denominator in society. Stinks like the failing Roman Empire did. These people are horrible.

That's also a comment on First Thing to Do After School. It's just my mom's now. Yeah. I got to say that's marriage because it's probably a similarly insensitive remark. Yeah, that's definitely on Breitbart, and it's a bum it's probably a similarly insensitive remark. Yeah, that's definitely on Breitbart and it's a bummer. I agree with marriage, yeah. I'm going to say... It might be like a mail-order bride or something.

I'm going to say... Yeah, I'm going to say marriage as well. Everyone going marriage? Yeah. You guys are right. I'm bad at putting games together. I'm a bad game. It was a YouTube video of

Kim and Kanye's wedding. Oh, shit. That's very rude to my prince. Kim? Yeah. Alright, next one. Flat out lying is a bitch move.

This guy is a guy who thinks porn is real i did you want to point out that what i love about the research of this game is i guarantee you at one point tom just typed in fuck news i actually it's not that far off i was so stoked when i found out my buddy that out from high school that we uh we saw in vegas was like it's like an extra in porn and he had he was basically getting cucked in the porno. He left the room while the sex occurred, but I was just like, holy shit! I had fucking math class with this guy.

That's pretty funny. So good. It made me so happy. I immediately posted that. I think I already talked about this. One more time? Flat out lying is a bitch move. I gotta go porn. I think somebody faked their death. I think it's the thing about the Russian journalist who faked his death.

Okay. Ooh, interesting. You're gonna die, die, asshole. Yeah. That's my thought. Andrea, thoughts? Yeah, that was weird. Like, his wife, like, didn't really know, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He really kind of fucked everyone up. Well, I mean, it's like he was trying to, like, expose some corrupt shit, but it sucks to be that guy's wife. Oh, most def. Yeah. I don't know how many Sherry's Berries you gotta buy to smooth that one over. I hope it was a wedding that was

like someone got caught cheating and so it got canceled. So I'm gonna say a marriage that wasn't a marriage. Okay. I'm thinking too hard. No, no, I like it. Yeah, no, no.

You're getting real Nancy Drew on this shit. Okay. It was... Because you're a woman and that's really a detective you get to be. You know what's funny is the dumb little girl one i did almost say sherlock holmes and i'm like i better go with nancy drew i'm nancy drew look i'll demote you to velma from scooby-doo that's my alter ego for sure

uh correct answer was fuck it was uh incest porn and a guy commenting was mad that the girl said he had a big dick and he wrote a very long thing about how she was an asshole for saying that her brother had a huge cock. She's being nice to her brother. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they've spent so many years fighting. I'm glad they finally patched things up. And it might not matter. How many dicks has she seen?

She's just seen her brother's dick. She's like, that's pretty big. In the video, it was the first dick she'd ever seen. Was it a decent dick? I didn't watch the video. Well, fuck you. You didn't do the research. Yeah, Tom.

Somebody could have gotten killed in the middle of this video and then he'd be alive. This is a very serious journalism podcast. All right. I was waiting for the pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop to come back. All right. I think you just played the music from the Matterhorn at Disneyland. If you Google that and play it over Tom talking, I promise it's going to be worth it. But Tom, continue while he figures come back. All right. I think you just played the music from the Matterhorn at Disneyland. If you Google that and play it over Tom talking, I promise it's going to be worth it. But Tom, continue while he figures that out.

All right. Next one. Brexit. Brexit isn't working. Fuck killer marriage. Oh, boy. That's the royal wedding. That's a comment on the royal wedding marriage.

Damn. Ooh, yes. I wouldn't have thought of that, but I think you were right. Yeah, I'm still in Andrea's answer. My initial thought is like, well, a Syrian did something. Unfortunately, I'm not happy about it, but that is for sure what I think happened. Okay. I'm going to say it's killed.

Killed? Tom? Is this the Matterhorn music? Okay, yeah. You just wanted to say something? It was supposed to be when youhorn music? Okay, yeah. You just wanted me to say something? It was supposed to be when you were talking. Oh, no. We need to direct your attention.

I didn't think it was going to have the fucking, the lines from the don't stand up and the bombs. At this point, the bit is over. Gotcha. Yeah, okay. Brexit isn't working. Oh, yeah, marriage. Oh, marriage.

Okay. Correct answer was fuck. It was from an article about the New York orgy yacht. It made no sense whatsoever. It seems like Brexit is working well. They just got to New York. Yeah. We brought the fuck boat.

Yeah, welcome. It's okay, honey. We can be horny here. This is America. Where the streets are paved with cum. That's so much more accurate than gold. 50 in an American piece of tail. This is America. Where the streets are paved with cum. That's so much more accurate than gold. 501, an American piece of tail. This is America.

You better get caught cumming now. You better. You'll be in big trouble, mister. Yeah, if we don't get you cumming, you're grounded for a week. I'm so hard like, yeah. What's the first thing we do after school? Fuck mom's face. What's the first thing we do after school fuck mom's face what's the second thing put our shoes in the cubby followed by homework it wasn't even brush mom's teeth

it wasn't even brush my teeth it wasn't even technically fuck mom it was just coming her mouth so the idea is getting like worked up on the way and just pinching it off. Like, alright, alright, alright. I'm ready. Go, go, go. Oh yeah, as Tom said, before he jerks off in the bathroom, I warm up in the bed. Snack time comes in a box. No, it comes in her mouth. Yeah, man.

Oh god, spunkaroos. This incest porn has got to go. Twinkies are so phallic. Okay. Dunkaroos? Is that what they're called now? No, no, no. She said Twinkies.

Oh, okay. There's not a lot of great snacks that aren't also kind of dicks. Yeah. There's so much white material inside. Oh, I accidentally knocked over the thing and turned on the Matterhorn music again. You've angered the Yeti. Should I do one or two more of these? Just do one more.

Do one more. All right. All right. Agree, dot, dot, dot. The outright assault on beavers must stop. Kill Fucker Mary. Ooh, the outright assault on beavers. I just want to tell you, that was worth the whole game.

I got one. I like it. No, this is a fun game. All right, let's think about this. If that is a marriage, that's the most interesting marriage. I think so. I don't know how.

This is going to be all three. A beaver wedding? Yeah. The angry beavers are gay? Well, yeah, two beavers. Horny beavers? Then weird eco people make them get married.

They have some sort of weird hippie ceremony, and then the dam breaks and they all die. That's my guess. That very specific thing is my guess. This is a girl getting fucked in a plaid shirt. It's that simple. I'm gonna say kill. I'm gonna say someone's trapping beavers.

Okay. Trapping beavers is what Uber drivers are doing. That's why we need goosefords. Someone's trapping beavers. Okay. Trapping beavers is what Uber drivers are doing. That's why we need goose farts. Someone's trapping beavers. It's an article about Kevin Federline. They're really rebranding fucking kidnap. No, I'm just going to go out and trap some beef. I'm from the north, and they actually do trap beavers up there, so it means both.

Yo, this girl got health care. I'm trying to trap a beaver. Beef trapping. Beef trapping. She can't leave my house. Alright, correct answer was killed. It was from an article where a woman shot her husband

for hitting her cat. What the fuck? Wow. I don't know why this guy brought beavers in. It sounds like Andrew Dice Clay trying to be feminist. I don't know. We gotta protect these fucking beavers. Oh! I think maybe he was commenting on a different article

and didn't realize a page backed or something. Bitch, hold my bee. Take off your pussy and just give it to him. Earrings out. Stick it on the wall like a terrible version of Pin the Tail on the Don't. Like Merkins? Oh my god.

He's got like a full pussy Merkin. Yeah. It just looks like a fake goatee. It's a beaver skin Merkin. Yeah. Merkin America great again. Oh god damn it. Well, that was Kill Fuck Mary.

Yeah, alright. We'll be right Kill Fuck Mary. Yeah, all right. We'll be right back. Right after this, you guys. Woo! He was a lonely janitor working in an ice rink. Another day, another dollar. Just sweeping the floor of the ice rink. His life was going nowhere.

You're nothing. You sweep popcorn. I'm beautiful and have too high self-esteem. I'm leaving you because you're a janitor at an ice rink and because females in movies either have to be some sort of prize or, in my case, a complete bitch. Oh, man, I'm heartbroken and I did nothing wrong to end this relationship because people gotta like my character.

Shit. When one day his life completely changed. Oh, yeah. Anyone ever tell you you're a natural with that broom? This has got to be about the cleanest floor I gosh golly haven't ever seen with my two balls of sight. Oh, man, you're just saying that because you're a polite Canadian guy. But he wasn't.

Okay, ladies and gents, we all know Samuel lost both of his hands in that terrible vending machine accident, and we've needed a new sweeper for the curling team. No one can ever replace Samuel. How dare you, coach yeah he was no hoser a a real nova scotian flower in a sea of quebecan cows but the rules say we need another guy and i've found him but the team didn't accept him because he was black no black man has swept like a white man in 200 years man that's racist that That's real racist. Like, I've eaten cake with less layers than that.

But in this particular case, the layers are racism, not frosting. And I don't eat racism, bitch. Well, then let him eat. How about you eat cake? That doesn't even make sense. But the audience will understand the basic idea that you don't like me due to the color of my skin and our intolerance. But he led them to victory. Oh, no, sorry for being rude, but we don't like me due to the color of my skin and are intolerant. But he led them to victory.

Oh, no, sorry for being rude, but we don't like your skin. Oh, but he sweeps so good. Oh, sorry, didn't mean to cut you off there, friend. And despite the racism, he won over the hearts of the fans. We haven't seen anyone sweep this good since Bucktooth Billy played for the Moose Neckbeards in 1942. Some people still didn't respect him. Hey, janitor, why don't you sweep this up?

Hey, that's not polite. We're not about that on this team, eh? You're gonna have to be off the team now due to your rudeness. That's fine. I was the one who pretended to be the vending machine and took off Samuel's hands anyway, and now I have to kill you for knowing. Oh, yeah, double rude, eh? We don't want you on the team,

but sorry if we offended you. Coach, Doug! Looks like someone just got iced. Oh yeah, you're some sort of superhero, eh? The story of hope. I could be more than just a janitor. Perseverance. Now you keep sweeping. Sorry for yelling.

No matter what, eh, you can push your problems to the side and then into a dustpan and then dump them where it's someone else's problem I really am sorry for the noise and you'd never say sorry unless you're being rude Sorry, if it sounds like if I'm yelling at you and not to you. This is sorry I'm sorry, but cause from trying my arms are tired That's because you're sweeping with your arms. You need a sweep from your heart not not that telling you how to live Sorry for that. Victory. Do you believe in miracles?

He did it. He swept the thing down the thing and it landed on the thing. They are world champions. And love. Girlfriend from the first part, what are you doing here? I want you back. I hear you're successful in making money now. But I'm going to pretend it's for some other reason.

Sorry, girlfriend from act 1. The broom is my girlfriend now. This winter, the broom curls back in Hollywood Has Run Out of Ideas 5. Jerry curled this ISIS, like racist and nice, not like the terrorist place from the sand area, coming to a big-ass red

video vending machine next to crates of bottled water this November. Chats, chats, chats. The Mean Boys podcast is back. Dibbing into the Mean Boys mailbag to read all your questions and your comments. Choose an email if you want to send us a question at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com or leave us a voicemail

at 304-805-MEAN. That's 6-3-2-6 for all your fucking siblings out there. Christian Taylor writes, if Andrea was given a Yu-Gi-Oh card for her, what card would it be? Guys, this is why we can't have women on the show. This is the exact kind of thing where I'm like, I promise it's a pretty hip, you know, listenership. And then you get here and ask us Yu-Gi-Oh questions. Is there like a big pie card? I mean, the answer is Mystic Elf, but still.

Aw, that's cute, I think. I don't know what that is. Well, then Hoboken Mom. Yeah, it's a dumb, slutty-ass elf. Joke's on you. No, it's a cool elf. Yeah, um, let's see. I'll pull up Mystic Elf.

I was going to say Blue Eyes White Dragon, but that's because that's the only card I know. I mean, Blue Eyes White works. I just realized when you Google Mystic Elf, you get a bunch of Mystic Elf porn, apparently. Oh, no. Yeah, that's the elf. That does look like me. A little bit, yeah. You take it a nap.

Is she concerned a lot? She's like, well, did you do your homework? Concerned with a lot of dark inner secrets. Really Googling babysitter Yelp reviews. I really wanted to do the Yu-Gi-Oh preacher. The blue eyes of white dragon. Bring destruction and fury to the dog magician. I had a couple people comment various shades because I posted that you were coming to do the show and the picture of us from when I did your show.

Oh, yeah. That was fun. I posted that right after I posted that I was in a relationship on Facebook and a few people were like, are you dating Andrea? So, no. Sorry, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. One guy said he shipped us, which I thought was adorable.

What's that mean? It means like in his headcanon. He sent you to Europe. Yeah. He wanted to enslave you okay it's don't worry about it too much no it's like it's like i learned about it when i was like looking at futurama news sites when that show was first about to come back in like 2010 or whatever and just like oh yeah fry and lila shippers and i was like is it because they're on a ship you know

like i didn't know what it was and i learned i was like oh you guys are fucking nerds yeah yeah it means they like the idea of those two people together. Aw, that's nice. Harrison J.R. writes, what sort of, if any, socks do y'all like to wear? What? Shut up. Who fucking cares? Are you my mom shopping for Christmas?

I like short ankle socks. I go short ankle socks as well. Yeah, I've gotten into the short ankle socks recently. I was a tube sock guy for a long time. But I took a picture and a lot of people told me I had to up my sock game. So you got to me. I did it. I do either short ankle or knee high

but all in neon pink. That's my jam. I like fun colors. I like that. I have a personality. Every time I put on like a Every time I put on a tall sock, it just reminds me how fat my calves are. It's like, are you stealing Every time I put on a tall sock, it just reminds me how fat my calves are. Because it just looks like...

It's like, are you stealing or fat? Yeah, it looks like somebody's trying to steal a big ham. It looks like someone's trying to steal more socks in his socks. It looks comfortable, and then it's so stretchy. Yeah, people just assume it's a diabetes therapeutic sock. I really hope eventually you have to get one of those big rubber bands for your gross leg, because it just blows all out of proportion. It's got to wrap it up. Somebody

bought me a pair of high socks that had the TARDIS from Doctor Who on them and I was like, oh, that's so cool. I put them on and it just gaped it out to the point where it just looked like a blue basketball. The guy really loves the Orlando magic. I had Tapatio socks, but they were

too small for me and they were like the high ones and they were like, this is cutting off circulation. When you say you had Tapatio socks. They were too small for me, and they were like the high ones. They were like, this is cutting off circulation. When you say you had Tapatio socks, I'm just assuming you soaked a sock in hot sauce. You just wring it into your mouth like a man on a desert island trying to get expression. No, it had the Jared Leto guy on it. That's Tom's BDSM. You just have a sock soaked in Tapatio in his mouth. I don't know if we ever talked about this in the podcast, but you brought that up.

Look at the Tapatio guy, and he looks exactly like Jared Leto. I don't think I was the first. I wasn't the first person in the house to bring it. Someone else brought it up. No, yeah, I've posted it before, but I was spreading that awareness because it's the thing I've always thought is kind of funny. If you could revisit your past and change one thing you did, what would it be? Ooh.

Ooh. Heavy. I probably don't want to see that dick. Well, if you're going through a roll, and it's like, oh, gosh, there's so many dicks I wish I didn't see. Oddly, I see. That one, the other one, that first one again. One the third. Yeah, it is mostly dicks I saw that I was not prepared to see.

Oh, yuck. I'm sorry. I know. I'm trying to think of a fun answer instead of run away from home and figure this out earlier. I'd also go back in time so I could not see my own dick. I think that is... I mean, I...

You'd get fatter? Is that what you do? I think you currently can't see your own... I got that first. Hey. Hey. I don't know. I probably just wouldn't have dated

a bunch of people. Yeah. Let's see. Shortbuzz Murphy on Reddit just says Harry Potter is British Naruto. Nice. What?

Like, guys... That's not true. I'm all right with you guys having quips, but don't use the mailbag on Reddit just says Harry Potter is British Naruto. Nice. What? That's not true. I'm alright with you guys having quips, but don't use the mailbag as your little shitty quip dumpster. It's like, oh, I thought of something funny. Let me get the mean boys to say it. Dress it up a little. This is an open mic, guys. This is a very serious journalism podcast. I liked it.

Do we have any more or do we want to go to the voicemails? Yeah, we can go to voicemails. Wasn't there a Twitter one asking Andrea to roast meicemails? Yeah, we can go to voicemails. Cool. Wasn't there a Twitter one asking Andrea to roast me? Oh, yeah, that's right. Somebody asked if you were going to roast Tom,

what would be the maneuver? Oh, I don't know. You don't want to do it? Why not? Oh, I just don't know. I'm a work bitch. I'm a work bitch. I don't really know

Tom super well enough. Hey, if your boss calls you right now, Andrea, what are you going to say? Oh, no. I'm a work, bitch. I don't really know Tom super well enough. Hey, if your boss calls you right now, Andrea, what are you going to say? Oh, no. I'm at work, bitch. Wait, why would her boss call her at work? I don't know. That's a fair point. Stop asking me these questions.

You want to know why you need to stop asking them to me? I'm at work, bitch. We need a techno remix of I'm at work, bitch. Yeah, dude, get to work, you guys. What about Uber drivers? What about them, Tom? They're their own boss. Tom, shut up!

I'm at work, bitch. Can you fucking black hole for riff momentum? All right, yeah, let's pull out some voicemails. This is Kevin from Colorado. I just got done having, like, an hour-long sex. An hour-long sex. Is he 12? With my totally real girlfriend.

I just want to say I'm trying to eat a cookie, enjoy some stand-up comedy. I'm watching some Kevin James bullshit. I really got to get on that because this is just fucking terrible. No matter how many bong rips I take, it just doesn't get any better. Get on that. I mean, what does it take to get on to Netflix

anyways? If Kevin James can do it, what the fuck, guys? Jesus Christ. I love that I just fucked and Kevin James sucks That was one of my favorite That's definitely top three favorite voicemails of all time Oh, quick thing

You can cut this out Andrew Hill, we left two Yeah, I saw Okay, sure I don't know what to tell you, man I'm never going to be on Netflix Yeah, I mean, you can man. I'm never going to be on Netflix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can't prove I'm not Kevin James.

Yeah. If Kevin James dies, or there has to be a Gallagher 2 for the King of Queens, I could do that. I do love when people are just like, why don't you just win Last Comic Standing? Like, we never thought of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. Like, I was like, oh, duh, TV. Yeah, my grandma, meaning totally well she called me the other day and we were talking she's like you know what you should do you should be on that

snl i'm like oh should i should i be on saturday night live grandma thanks i'll work on that yeah yeah and then every time you try to say something nice it happened to you know give give your fucking poor family some good news because i guess they just assume you're just eating like hot sauce sauce infused peanut butter sandwiches and fucking shitting blood all day because you make $16,000 a year. And you're like, hey, I'm doing this. And they're like, oh, I've never heard of that channel. Oh, thanks, guys.

Nothing more fun than explaining to your mother what true TV is. No, it's the best. Hey, boys. This is Josh from Connecticut. Hi, Josh. Thank you again. I do like this guy going, coming at you again. Hey, what's up, guys? Hi, Josh. Coming at you again. My question... I do like this guy going, coming at you again.

Coming at you. Hey, what's up, guys? It's Josh. Hi. I'm the least dynamic man who ever lived. Yeah, it's Connecticut Poppy in the cut once again.

Y'all thought you were ready for this shit, but you straight up aren't. All right, bitch? Anyway, so I'm asking if fucking your favorite ninja was an ice cream, what would you eat it with?

Can any of your listeners buy cigarettes legally? They're old enough, but still no. They sound like children. It's too close to the elementary school. I would say that the New York comedy scene is worse off than it is in L.A. You know, the, let's say, the saturation of GC culture getting more groans than you would. It's like that on Twitter, I feel. On Facebook, they are just complete savages.

The second Tyler got raped with that broomstick in 13 Reasons Why, I immediately heard, thought, you know, I could jump about it. So would you say New York is kind of fucked comedy-wise? I don't know what the fuck you think. I think he's asking if, like, New York is more hardcore fucked comedy wise I don't know what the fuck you think I think he's asking if like New York is more hardcore than LA comedy wise oh yeah

I guess I don't know I've only been there for a week yeah I mean I've been there a few times I know a lot of New York guys and I think New York guys are cool I think New York has less of the squeamish kind of like we're not allowed to say anything shit I think they also have a preponderance of like edgelords for edgelords sake which I find just as annoying Weemish kind of like, we're not allowed to say anything shit. I think they also have a preponderance of like, edgelords for edgelords' sake.

Yeah. Which I find just as annoying. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just like, you made a rape joke. It doesn't mean you made a good rape joke. Well, like listening to their roast battles, I feel like they're just like more mean, but less fun. Sometimes. I mean, there are a lot of great battlers out in New York.

Connecticut Poppy with a follow-up question. Do you guys feel like that we're getting kind of too bitch-ass lately? We need to like hardcore up like the community again? On a scale of one to nah, why are you letting the girl talk? Why aren't any of my slur tweets getting passed around more?

If you could help me out. I had a guy fucking DM'd me. He DM'd me. He DM'd me and he was just like, hey, blah, blah, blah. I like Mean Boys. I was like, oh, blah, blah, blah. Thanks, man. Really appreciate it.

You know, made my day. And then he's like, well, dude, you got to stop taking Zoloft and start doing Joe Rogan fucking sweat running elk training or whatever. And I was just like, I just didn't respond. And he's just like, hey, I started doing comedy. Check out my first post. And his first post is him doing a bit where like, you know didn't respond. And he's just like, hey, I started doing comedy. Check out my first post. And his first post is him doing a bit where like, you know how white people say the N-word? You got to say the governor of California's last name, Schwarzenegger.

You know, my Schwarzenegger. And he's just doing this as the bit. And I was just like, oh. Yeah, like, here's the thing. If you're starting comedy and you want to be that guy we appreciate you follow your dreams we have nothing good to say to you yeah i mean work on it for a while yeah it's like don't don't fucking the unsolicited advice like don't tell me like don't just like pop in and be like well actually you just you don't fucking know anything we have dozens of

listeners we'll give you unsolicited advice. How about you get to 299 iTunes reviews? I do like that you're ejecting this like you haven't tried to explain weird nootropics and vague boner pills you're on to me so many times. I mean, I never do it unsolicited. I've never asked, hey, what's new in the world of boner

medication? I do do it to troll you, but I'm very funny. You fuck. Alright, next one. What's up, meme boys? I do do it to troll you, but I'm very funny. Yeah, all right, next one. What's up, meme boys? Just want to say thank you all for coming out to Washington, D.C. You're welcome. You were super great.

I'm now driving to another concert in D.C. I'm also chock full of fucking DayQuil. Chock full of DayQuil. That's a good mailbag. Like it's an old woman describing her banana bread. Oh, chock full of chips and nuts. Oh, I love this. This guy just took a bunch of DayQuil and was like, better drive a car and call the meat boys.

Yeah, I'm going to do cough syrup. Hit the voicemail line. Don't follow this trajectory, but also hilarious. Continue. If you use cold medicine, drink NyQuil, you fag. What is DayQuil? Hey, this is the guy that DMed Connor on Instagram. DayQuil is actually bad for you.

If you want to get rid of your cold, you actually just need to browse this subreddit about how women are bad. Look, vague listener, I like you. Team you. Info Wars listener, I like you. Team you. Info Wars sells deep state quill. Hey, back from Connecticut again. I just really want to say beaner, and I feel like I should be allowed to because I like beans.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I hope you come to Hartford. Goodbye. I might have some kind of sickness and more Lyme disease. Yo, man, I might be too sick. Wait, did you say I have Lyme disease? Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah, you know, the problem is I'm too hardcore, and I was down with the sickness to a degree that was unhealthy, and I've developed it chronically, which is why I'm all hopped up on the quill. Lyme disease is like a big deal out in places like that. We're all about trees. You can say I'm the Shakespeare of driving a talk stand because I'm hitting the quill

super hard. Also, chock full of fucking jay quills. I might have some kind of sickness and or Lyme disease. And or as a Lyme disease is not really a sickness. Lyme disease really not my concern. And or, as a Lyme disease, it's not really a sickness.

Lyme disease is like an illness you get from deer shit. It's from ticks. Yeah. I'm going to start calling diabetes lemon Lyme disease. By the way,

I had a kind of weird question that I've run into recently. I don't know who else turned to that would kill me. Anybody. Anybody else. Definitely us. Turn to us, dude. Turn to the guy who else to turn to. Anybody. Anybody else. Definitely us. Turn to us, dude.

Turn to the guy who sold you the day quill. He has more information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know who else to turn to. I'm all about answers. Let's see what I got. I'm just seeing. Yeah.

I'm going to answer something like this. I've been talking with some trans women lately. Pre-surgery. All right. Well, we may actually have some expertise to offer you. Oh, boy. You're talking to some what? Trans women? I'm taking overgery. All right, well, we may actually have some expertise to offer you. Oh, boy. You're talking to some what? Trans women?

I'm taking over-the-counter cold medicine. I'm thinking about sucking a dick. I wanted to see where the mean boys were at on this decision. All right, you're talking to trans girls. Get it, girl. Yeah. And some of them have expressed a fetish for being fucked in the ball hole. What?

Where does that go? What? The hole where the balls... I guess the ball hole? Okay, so here's some deep state gay shit for you. So your balls... Say it as Alex Jones. Your balls!

Balls, Jerry! So when a drag queen tucks, right? They're not just taping their dick back. You can push your balls back into your butt. When a queen tucks a penis. There's like an escape hatch. You got to really go in there looking for it. It's a thing. But can they get stuck up there?

I've fondled my balls a lot. I've never found this hatch. Yeah, you got to believe. Like, it's some real fucking platform nine and three-quarters shit. This sounds so real painful. Oh, Jesus. So, my mom's a nurse, and she said that she had a patient come in where one of the balls got sucked back up there.

Yeah, that happens. And then it, like, atrophrophied and they had to do surgery. That can happen. Yeah. So like, how do you prevent if you tuck up in there? You thought I was losing the ball in old man Jenkins yard. Here's a bad time. I've never done.

I've never done this. Okay. That terrifies me. But I told that that's a thing. So I'm assuming that it means they fuck you in the hole like that hole. I don't even. Yeah. Let's listen on. Okay. So the hole, like that hole, but I don't even... Yeah, let's listen on.

The hole a ball goes back up into, or I don't know, a chop shop, whatever. I have no idea where this is. Well, it's near the balls, friend. Thanks, Google Maps. You're using Google Maps to find the ball hole?

I mean, I'm sure they could show you. Hey, Siri, take me to the nut hole, dude. In quarter mile, turn left at the Gooch. You have arrived at your destination. Keep pushing. Yeah, parking is a nightmare. It's like a pirate's map where the booty isn't at the booty.

X, Y, much to the spot. Have you run into anyone with this desire? I don't know how to reconcile this one. Either way, have a nice one. God bless the whole Vegas. All right. I think this goes to Keith. I'm transplatonic.

So I think, yeah. It's a Connecticut guy here again. If you can't find the ball hole, you maybe just need to read You Are a Badass. It's this book I picked up. It actually really inspired me to make more of my slur collages. I've hooked up with trans people before. I've never been asked to do that. The one weird sort of trans workaround sex

thing that I had happen once was I was going to fuck this lady in the butt. I was ready to rock with that. And then my dick came out and she was like, oh, that simply will not happen. She's like, that's not going in there like that can't occur yeah so what she had was like basically he has the weirdest humble brags it's a blessing and a curse like i just don't get to have butt sex yeah yeah but uh oh no your life must be so hard i mean look i get by one day at a time but one day at a time but fucking so she was like but she was like i had this thing and it

was like this sleeve for a flashlight it was like this you know stretch you put your dick in a thing and then what we did is we both put our dicks in it so like her dick was in it and my like a chinese finger trap yeah yeah but like side by side like a hot dog with like a bun with two hot dogs in it yeah and you wanted to call me for help but but I said, I'm out of work. And then I just, yeah, we both fucked that thing together and that was pretty fun. It was pretty, yeah. It was like,

it seemed like... You know when you go to those like pumping train cars, you know, from like an old 1920s thing where you're just like riding the rails like manually? I mean, it was genuinely

the closest to being like, oh, it's like you've got a pussy, but you just turn your dick into a pussy. It's some real, she MacGyver'd herself a dick. Oh, it's like the new iPhone ports where you've got to have a different like, yeah. Yeah, she's got an adapter for her pussy. It's some real, she MacGyvered herself a dick. Oh, it's like the new iPhone ports where you gotta have a different,

like, yeah. Yeah, she found an adapter for her dick. That's awesome, yeah. I have questions about eye contact and also who held it. Like, how do you, do you like,

eye contact? So eye contact was plentiful. Okay, cool. Because, yeah, well, we went doggy and we went missionary but really missionary worked better. Oh, okay.

Because then it's just like, it's up there. Yeah, because I was wondering like just the angle must be weird. Yeah, like that. I see. And nobody really held it because it was like, it was, it's up there. Yeah, because I was wondering, like, just the angle must be weird. Yeah, like that. I see. And nobody really held it because it was like, it's tight. It feels like a pussy.

And it was around both of us. It was like super tight. Yeah. So really, our dicks were just kind of locked in there. And you get the good friction up against it. Yeah, no one had to hold it, though. Fascinating. She did have to do a couple quick-

You basically lady in the tramp to your dicks. Yeah. She had to do a couple quick, like, roll it down adjusties in the middle of it. Yeah, dude, you're the tramp, she's the lady. That's fine. You both probably like spaghetti. I don't understand the contraption. Give me the paper. I'll draw you a diagram.

Explain it to me after. So, Andrea, you got anything you want to plug? Oh, wow. Think of things we plugged. Alright. So here's, it's like a... Okay, a pickle? No, it's open at the top, right? So it's like, you know what a flashlight is, right? Yes.

So it's like the inside of a flashlight without the flashlight part. So it's just like a rubber sleeve, right? Okay. And here's dick one. And then here's dick two. And they're both in there. Oh, you did it the same way. And then I'm over here, like on top, like, yeah, look at me.

I have a smiley face because I'm having a great time. I have a fun nose, my two little birthmarks. And then there's the other dick. And then she's down here, but her dick is, like, pushed up against her belly. And then she's got long hair because she's a lady. And she's like, oh, yeah, you're fucking me. That's so cool. And then her arms are up there.

I still don't get it. I put on the Beautiful Mind music. No, I know what this is. Do you really not understand? Maybe. Imagine, if you will, a dick. And another dick. One of the dicks is too big to go in the butt.

Now imagine you had a two-sided pussy, a Mobius cunt. And you both fucked it from opposite sides. Like you were putting your fists inside your jacket sleeves on a cold day at a baseball game. I'm nasty Carl Sagan.

I'm Carl Sagan my nuts. Yeah, yeah. Or a gay jacket in this case. I'm Neil Deadass Tyson. Well, that's the Mean Boys podcast for this week guys Andrea thanks so much for coming in we're sorry for being

so disgusting oh no you were great it was so good to finally have you on yeah this was great yeah follow you on Twitter at

Sundress Comic yeah you can follow me well I don't use Twitter much but I do use Instagram a lot that's kind of my media of choice

and you can also follow Oversharing Comedy my friend Paula Van Gnalen and I have a show coming up this Thursday. So not today, but I don't know when you're releasing this. It'll either be out Tuesday or Thursday. So either the Thursday of this week or the day this comes out.

Yeah, so Thursday, Boomtown Brewery, June 14th. We have a really stacked lineup at 8.30 p.m. if you guys show up. And we have prizes and games, and it's really fun. And plug the podcast as well. Oh, yeah, and my podcast is Andrea Loves Everybody. And Keith Carey was a prizes and games and it's really fun. Yeah, yeah. And plug the podcast as well. Oh, yeah. And my podcast is Andrea Loves Everybody and Keith Carey

was a recent guest and it's super fun. Ooh. You guys are dating. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You guys are dating. Hey, it's the guy

from Connecticut again and I think that if you want to fuck, you should be the same weight. I think that's how it should work. I will be. Most of the men I've slept with have been around my weight, actually. You are fucking frail twig men. Yeah, I like to be able to carry them to safety if necessary.

Ooh, okay. All right, I'm starting to find out some of this Midwestern darkness. You got a Bruce Springsteen song in your pussy waiting to get out. Yep. Is there a pussy on the edge of town? Baby, we were born to come. The best part of the Midwest, New Jersey.

Hard in the USA. Hard in your V&A. Oh my goodness, guys. Tomorrow night, June 13th, I'll be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach. That'll be a lot of fun And then I'm flying out To Bentonville, Arkansas And The Velvet

In Austin, Texas June 15th and 16th Get those tickets now I'll be very funny It is a door deal I need your money Phoenix, Arizona I'm going to be

Headlining comedy Off Main Street July 14th and 15th Four shows Please come out It can't be worse Than when we did The last show we did there

And had one person come out Yeah, yeah, that was a rough one So if you guys want to come, grab your tickets for that I think they're on sale now If not, they'll be on sale soon And I will be plugging that And then me and Connor have some stuff coming up in August But we'll deal with that when we get to it

Yup On the 12th, tonight Tonight But not like that When you're listening to this If you listen to the day it comes out I'll be doing the Rose Battle pre-show. Oh, yeah, I'm on that as well.

Yeah, so you can see both of us in Hollywood at the Comedy Store. Tom Goss. 19th, I'll be at the Chico's in Clovis. I'll be headlining that show, so please come out to that thing. That's Schindler... Schindling's joke. Yeah! Alright, let's crash this plane into the sun.

Fuck everything, God is dead! I'm at work, bitch! Bye.