Mean Boys - EP 135 - Octopuss City (feat. Yusef Roach)

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Yusef's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/death-is-imminent/id1389396543?mt=2 Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Yusef Roach on Twitter: twitter.com/yusefroach Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca Wow guys, it's the Mean Boys podcast with Yousef Rush this week. Wow. Yeah. It's going to be cool. Yousef's a funny guy. Listen to his podcast, Death is Eminent, on all the different podcasting

platforms. The only podcast that sounds more negative than ours. Yeah, or just get a tattoo of his podcast title. Whatever is better for you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Episode four, we got a tattoo. I don't know what took you guys a. Oh, yeah, yeah. That'd be episode four where you got a tattoo. I don't know what took you guys a year and a half.

Yeah, get your shit together, man, boys. Yeah, so enjoy that. Follow him on Twitter. He's one of my favorite tweeters. So, yeah, go enjoy all the Yousef Roach out there in the world

that there is available to you. Yeah. And, you know, when you take a little tolerance break, pop on over to iTunes, make an account. And leave us a review.

That you'll never use. And then leave us a review. If we get to 400 reviews, we will have my mom on the show. She has agreed to do this. Also, I know some of you have found my mom on Facebook. Do me a favor. Leave her alone. Oh, really?

There's no world where any of you need to contact my mother. Stop it. Have people contacted her? They've just been having like various conversations on threads and it stayed civil but i need to put a foot down on that immediately yeah i mean that's not really gonna end great uh for my mom will neither understand nor care i just don't want that happening no i mean that's there's no world where it's just gonna be like yeah man i was dming your mom and we shared great banana bread recipes it's always gonna be

god nothing would be funnier than if a mean boys fan ended up being my mom's sixth husband i mean that would be awesome but yeah it's just gonna be like hey uh hey keith's mom do you rate my dick please you know yeah don't do that please don't i almost feel bad i gave him the idea yeah but definitely don't do that we're serious this is not like a fun one. This is not soup, my dudes. Definitely don't everybody go do that. Ah, shit. No, seriously. Seriously, don't. Go find Keith.

It's very easy to find Mom on Facebook and ask her to rate your weird dicks. Anyway, leave a fucking review. Yeah, Matilda Dawn writes, nice girl. These mean boys are truly three. Parentheses four if you can't Ramsey, which I do, which feels weird. Shut up, Matilda. Yeah, don't fucking give him any credit. I like your book. Of the best comedians

I've ever listened to. Yeah, that's the one with the, it's like a periodic era. Also, I can easily say that the Mean Boys podcast is the most unique podcast I've heard in a long time. So thanks. Thanks for that. Finally, three white guys with opinions. I know, yeah. What could be more unique

than four white guys with opinions? Yeah, us all patting each other on the back. Well, that's what she said. Ramsey's the whitest of all of us. He's the keystone of the whole master race operation. The honky. Fucking go over to patreon.com slash meanboys and give us your money.

We live in a terrible crack house and we're finally actually buying shit, making the studio nice and stuff. So we're getting to the light at the end of the tunnel of our complete abject poverty. And $5 a month gives you weekly bonus content, and $10 a month gives you a little goody in the mail. We're making either bumper stickers or window decals, depending on how long it takes to draw me getting pissed on. But yeah, we're going to have some fun stuff this month. We're working on it. We've commissioned some artwork. Indeed.

It's going to be pretty great. Yeah. So go do that. And it helps us out, and we really appreciate it. If you like piss, get on Patreon. It's going to be a very good Cal of D. Yeah. What does Cal of D mean?

A decal. Oh, you fucking retard. Yeah. What is Cal of D? A D-Cal. Oh, you fucking retard. Yeah. Too smart for the room, huh? Yeah, not... No, no. I thought you were talking about some kind of, like, town from Lord of the Rings.

Okay. Daddy's taking the car back. Also, get on the tour sheet if you're not already on that. Let us know where you want us to come. We're planning our next tour as we speak.

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to try to trick us into thinking more people live in your town because I can tell when you do that and it legitimately fucks us over. It hasn't, but I mean, it's just don't do that. Yeah, like, unless you want to give us the several hundred dollars we'll lose falling for that prank. Yeah, it would be really funny if you guys all, like, Justin Bieber'd us into going into North Korea.

Certainly. Yeah, we would indeed be trolled, but, I mean, if you want the podcast to come out later and shittier, then go ahead and do that one. Man, I would do Mean Boys Live from Pyongyang in half a second. Oh, yeah, dude. I mean, I want to be arrested for my art. I want to, yeah, just like, wow, dude, he really did make a B-52 song about anal, and

now he's in a fucking state prison. It's like checking the Korean Constitution. We're like, how long do we waterboard him for the fudge lord? Yeah, if I... The Korean constitution How long do we waterboard him for the fudge lord Yeah Share to my page Indiegogo Yucked up abroad To Conor McSpadden liberation fund I think it's just about everything

Yeah so sit back relax and enjoy Oh yeah go on the subreddit You can fucking communicate with your fellows It's kind of a fun thing Army and boys links for all the shit are in the show notes. I like when Connor is tired because he just starts

to look like a possum. I do, yeah. Your eyes are just narrow and you look like garbage hungry. Well, yeah, I know my eyes just get like fucking like big swollen purpley

fucking like any kind of if an Irish person doesn't get the perfect amount of sun, sleep, or moisture then everything in their face just turns a shitty color. It's a very delicate

like vitamin alchemy you gotta hit. Yeah, everything immediately just starts going like bad fruit on the kitchen counter type shit. You are blemished, my dude. Yeah, I'm splotched. I'm almost splotched up, gang. Splotch sounds like a Bang Bros imprint. Oh, yes.

Splotched, where we see if we can power wash this woman's makeup off with J-Max with chemically altered loads. Oh, God. He literally eats like, he has like a Michael Phelps breakfast which is a big cartoon stack of flapjacks just so he has enough calories to

nuclear ropes. Really, you know, get to the bottom of that eye shower. We intro'd the shit out of this one. Yeah, this is one of the more meandery ones. And yeah, subscribe, YouTube, Insta, Facebook, Twitter. Just go click some shit and help us out. And now you can sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode

with the magnanimous Yusef Roach. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. If you think you have a small dick, just remember... Oh, I fucked that up. Nope, we're keeping it. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm...

Stefan Urkel. Yusef Roach joins us in the studio. Already just being kind of racist to him. After you took the bus and walked in the hot sun to come. It's a compliment. Stefan Urkel is cool. His son is cool, too. He's one of the good ones.

Am I right? Oh, man. I feel like... Someone called me on Twitter, Hotep Urkel. it's been like my favorite fucking thing in the world. I don't even – what's Hotep? I'm too white to know what that is. Oh, you don't know what Hotep is? I like that we all laughed a little because none of us wanted to be the guy.

Well, it sounds like one of those owl Pokemon. What is Hotep? It's like a fucking – like a – let me tell you. Are you allowed to tell us why are you like like a black dude and it is cheeky that is like super misogynist but like seemingly progressive oh yeah yeah i post like instagram memes or it's just like two like thick people having sex and it's like oh queen should always respect her king or something like that oh okay i got you guys like i don't eat pussy you know yeah yeah it's like the black version of like an improv comic yeah yeah exactly yeah it's like a black it's like

a michael jordan peterson oh god oh that's real fucking good oh yeah i was just uh i was just in uh your hometown of austin or where you where you started stand up in austin okay yeah yeah i had a good time thanks everyone that came out oh shit someone gave me presents to give you keith oh hell yeah oh which was like they're gonna be like hey we brought you something uh it's for keith they're gonna be food dog products or condoms it's definitely gonna be one of those your fans are like fucking lunatics right because i remember one time like the first time i heard of you guys like a year ago i was like following connor instagram something like someone mailed in like a cum don picture of yugioh or something oh it was this one just photoshopped come on a yugioh card if they were real fans they would

have actually come done dark magician girl but i guess which mean boys horny summer still going strong please send us your porn oh yeah yeah do that um but uh yeah i know like a few people drove like three four hours to like come out and like oh shit i'm not gonna be that good that was that was a bad call it was great it was awesome thanks to everyone over there for uh for a fucking nice weekend but i i was like a little put off because everyone's like yeah austin's so cool and weird and what it was was like the same like six nightclubs playing like loud club music but in between there's a store where you could buy a misfit shirt like the extent of the weirdness it was like yeah it's so weird you can get a sandwich from not a chain shop it's bizarre it'll still be 14 though yeah dude it's so weird. You can get a sandwich from not a chain shop. It's bizarre. It'll still be $14, though.

Yeah, dude. It's super punk rock. There's the coffee shops. I remember one of those electric scooters. It comes from how well they hide their black people. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. We have culture, but our Mexicans are a little bit...

It's so weird. They put a cowboy hat on Portland. Yeah, it's so weird. It's like they have good grits, but I didn't have to talk to any of those. They know how to make all the food. We call them quinoa in God's country. Yeah, yeah. I rode one of those fucking electric scooters that you can rent.

Because I was trying to ride one of those in Denver. Okay, yeah. Are we talking about how you like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we did a show in Denver, and they have these rent-a-scooter things. Yeah, I've seen them. They're like Santa Monica and shit. Yeah, and there was like one of them in... As Connor just leaves the table.

There's one of them and it's clear these two guys have taken it and then stopped at this place where I'm doing a show to have a beer. And he's just like, Oh, can I take your scooter? Hang on, I want to back up. At first, Connor just grabs the scooter. He just grabs the scooter. He just grabs the scooter and is like,

he's kind of looking around and they're like, oh, no, that's ours. He's like, oh, can I just, can I ride it? And they're like, no. And then Connor tries, and then he leaves, and then five minutes later just comes back and just keeps trying, okay, I'm getting presents handed to me from... Yeah, I basically did the like,

come on, it's my birthday, but I trying to like ride those dude scooters and they're as soon as as soon as scotter went away they grabbed the scooter and brought it closer to them and the one guy goes yeah i don't trust that guy wait so well they seem like they were done with it you know they weren't really going anywhere well they were they were eating yeah there's no like hierarchy or system? Yeah, well, I'm white, and I entitled to a scooter. They were also white. I think I was a little whiter. I was assuming all white around on the scooters.

I brought my paint swatches so I could show seniority. It was like watching dueling white privilege wizards just battle it out for this scooter. If they were colored, you just wouldn't speak to them. Yeah, no, I would just be like, this is mine. And give them like a like a check that was going to bounce and be like i paid you for it this is like mexico all over again yeah yeah they gave uh yeah this is uh the gal from this band me motor scooter out of texas who are very good and she's like she's got a shirt that is disrespectfully too big yeah because she said she said in my quotes uh we did we only had fat guy shirts left ah well this is too fat of a fat guy shirt, but I'll try and shrink it.

Oh, yes. Stop humble bragging. I don't want to humble brag, but I'm fine. I would look ridiculous in this shirt that's very, very slightly too big for me. It's like a size and a half too big for me. Oh, yeah, a size and a half. It's a XXL. I'm between a large and an XL.

So you're an L and a half? Are you an L plus? Yeah, exactly. That's like when a little kid is like, well, actually, I'm four and a half. It's like, no, you're still fat. I know I'm fat. Yeah, yeah, good. Don't you forget it.

Anyway, thanks for the fucking teacher. We made a way to turn getting a gift into a fucking hassle. Well, I'm sure that's what they wanted from it. Yeah, nobody wanted me to be a good sport about it. Because I said I'll give it to Keith on the show. And then immediately I was like,

oh, fuck, I'm not going to remember to do that. I know, a shocking twist. You remember the thing. Yeah, no, I stayed with Mason Shear, a great listener of ours

and his wife. Oh, Mason's a good dude. Yeah, they had a bunch of Survivor memorabilia, which was, speaking of white people. Like Surviving or the TV show?

Like the TV show Survivor. So they had like one of the things where they... Oh, they just knew what was left of their people. Like surviving or the TV show? The TV show Survivor. So they had like one of the things where they. Like what was left of their house after the fucking hurricane. Were they on Survivor? No, they just are Survivor heads. That's retarded. So they had like a cardboard cutout of Jeff Probst.

And they had like the thing where you cast the votes from one season. It makes me so bummed out that somebody who thinks that's cool is also a fan of our podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I was like, how much was this? And he was like, I don't want to talk about it. That shows where everyone's like naked and afraid, right? You're thinking of

naked and afraid. Oh, yeah. Has Jeff Probst been Me Too'd yet? Because he's like for sure a rapist. Oh, really? I mean, like...

He does kind of get... I mean, you don't wear cargo shorts for a living and then not... His name's Jeff Ropes? Probst. Jeff Ropes. No, that's the

Wood Rocket version of Survivor. It's Jeff Ropes. That's how he puts out your fucking torch? Yeah. That's what wood rocket version of Survivor It's Jim Ropes That's how he puts out your fucking torch That's what they call them after they If you want to fuck him you have to go through an obstacle course It's just like oh shit you've won reward It's my cum I just assume everyone on CBS has raped somebody

I think it's just a good rule It seems like the network you go to To hide out and lay low Who's that man Ed Bradley The secret band theory. Yeah, he's for sure. Everyone on 60 Minutes Gangbangers. Him and Charlie Rose are double-tuned.

60 Minutes, more like 60 Seconds, am I right? No, seriously, I'm here to shine a light on victims. Who's Ed Bradley? Like a black guy. Like any black guy. That sounds like a bad description until you remember he's talking about on CBS. So it narrows it down to the guy. Oh, the black guy. Okay, like a bad description until you remember he's talking about on CBS. So it narrows it down. Yeah.

Oh, the black guy. Okay. So it's not you then. No. He's like a black pedophile. Just a kismet of stuff. Oh, really? Yeah.

Thanks for doing that on our podcast. Not your podcast. African American Nazi of note, Ed Bradley. Your podcast is called Death is Eminent. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us about it a little bit. Oh, man.

It started out as a Michael Shannon-themed podcast. I don't know. Who's Michael Shannon? He's a fucking bad guy. Some black guy. No, he's the whitest man who ever whited. No, he's like the fucking bad guy in Man of Steel. Oh, okay.

He's like a good actor. It's my co-host's idea. And then I was just like, i just want to talk on something and then like now we just talk about like how we want to die so i i like i think i think you've done like five episodes and you're like you gave up on the theme episode what two three pretty much like immediately yeah okay we don't barely the first episode we don't we watched kangaroo jack and that was like a three-episode arc. Wait, he's in Kangaroo Jack? He's the bad guy in that shit, dude. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm watching Kangaroo Jack. He's fierce. Kangaroo Jack is funny as shit. Michael Shannon doesn't phone anything in. Like, even when he's mad, he's good. Nah. Oh, like, who played Alex in Clockwork?

Malcolm? Malcolm McDowell. Yeah, yeah. Like, he's a bad guy in Tank Girl, and he's doing it like he's like, this is going to be the blockbuster of the summer. Like, he turns the shit up to 11 and you're like oh man you really like you probably got it the character for this dumbass movie you idiot oh that's so fucking funny tank girl the only character who's had a harder time with water and power than we have yeah that's a good point man you guys i mean you call okay so you guys he was like oh welcome to the crack house i was like

oh it looks like a typical just like whatever i was I was like, that's kind of not bad. And then I go in the bathroom to pee and I pull up the fucking thing and it flips out of my hand. And then I almost touch human shit underneath it. Oh, really? Yeah. So, yeah. Okay. In our defense, how do you know it was shit?

Good point. Yeah. Good point. You don't peanut butter your toilet seats? I know I do want to have a decorative cross stitch that says reminder all toilet seats are decorative because both of the toilet seats in the house

are not really attached by anything but gravity and balance the other night I was high and I was trying to take a dump in the other bathroom where the toilet seat isn't even kind of screwed on you just sit there and hope for the best and it felt like I was like surfing. Yeah, it's like, when you take a shit

in their house, you get a core workout from trying to do like a housewife balance You're like trying to shit on one of those yoga balls. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. I think we're all warmed up. You want to get into the Mexican joke, Al? Ay, so topical. Yeah, let's do it. Let's party. All right, guys,

I'll take us away this week. A man who devoted his life to finding the Loch Ness Monster has concluded it's just a gigantic catfish. He said he realized this when the monster asked him to add her on Kik so he could send sexy pics. Yeah, everyone gets it. Send us Kik. Yeah, Kik. That's all, folks.

I like that your mouth got confused because you were just doing a joke before you finished it. I just do want to note that Tom just hit me with a hot second-grade teacher burn. You go, wow, dude. I thought it started. I've been ethered. I can do, like, three impressions, and none of them consistent. And not zero of them are Porky Pig. I'll tell you that right now.

I thought that was a good Porky. I was pretty – I was like, that's not bad. All right, do it again. Thank you. That's all, folks. Nope, still pretty bad. I think you're trying so – You I was like, that's not bad. Alright, do it again. Thank you. That's all, folks. I think you're trying to, you lose it to the that's all. Because on the stuttering thing, it's pretty long. Yeah, I do that

naturally. You stuttered explaining your Porky Pig impression. You're like, I fucking, that's how we talk or whatever. He was just trying to talk last time. He wasn't even doing an impression. He's like, yeah, yeah, Porky Pig, funny. I was trying to do the circle closing guy. No, it did.

It was actually a sad article because he's like, since 1989, he's been out looking at this lake, and he just realized, oh, I forgot that catfish could grow that big, and it's probably for that. He's like, yeah, they put in catfish. People get to hunt them, and it's definitely a catfish. I think it took him this long to figure it out. Yeah, and it's like his legacy of his work is that one terrible joke I just did about him. And, you know, like the 62 upvotes on Reddit's news board.

A man was arrested for stomping on baby ducklings that entered his front yard. Police are calling it a deadly game of duck-duck boots. A boot party on the duck. I like to think that he was like a storm front enforcer. Yeah, he just like quacked his skull. I mean, there's no black ones here, but I mean, these might be Jewish ducks. I mean, Walt Disney did create Donald, so let's hedge our bets here. A grandmother is devastated after a high school forgot to include her dead grandson in the yearbook.

In defense of the school, he doesn't technically go there anymore. All right, all right. defense of the school, he doesn't technically go there anymore. Alright. Alright. I like that you do the hand juggling. You were physically trying to keep that joke above water. When Tom does his old cat skills, like,

I tell ya, that sounds like a bad cup of fro, yo. He hung himself. You have a great Hey, what's up hey it's fucking shit in the morning here you know just that guy you know yeah yeah hey here with your cunt news or whatever yeah welcome to the house of cum house of cum everybody have a pie yeah well no i like i feel like you're just biding your time until they make you the jessica chobot of complex you know you're

just like you stand in front of a green screen and you're just like, so The Rock launched a new line of sneakers. Man, those are bad. Anyway, $10,000 and a million Twitter followers, please. No, please. I fucking let you live the dream. Oh, yeah. You would crush that shit, you know?

Like, hey, I'm wearing a dumbass shirt. This is what happened with Pusha T today. Have you seen The Rock's Instagram? Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Motivation Mondays. Am I right? Anyway. Well, my day is done. It's 11 a.m. happened with push a t today have you seen the rocks instagram anyway yeah yeah wow motivation mondays am i right anyway uh well my day is done it's 11 a.m uh thank you for the money i'll uh see you at the conventions later guys i'm just putting that energy out to the universe you know thank you i just want to do nothing that's i'm gonna die um okay yeah all right i've been i've

been i've been masturbating i mean i've only seen seen Yousef twice, and each time he's been like, yeah, I just absorbed weed in some comical way. I'm really depressed. Wait, you're masturbating too much. How much is too much? Like, I've started watching handjob porn. What? You said that like it was in news, like, teens are masturbating, but how much is too much?

That was like a local news expose. Why are you watching Handjob for? It's like, you know when, like, you've gone so far off the edge, you're like, this docile thing. Let's go back to the beginning. Exactly. Nostalgia. Wait, you're making a prequel for comedy? I like how you described it, like, when Nas did his listening party in Queensbridge.

He's like, I want to go back to my roots and just jerk off to something simple you know for sure is that it's like oh man I remember when I was 15 in the back of a Dodge Intrepid or whatever you know no I remember I remember there no I wasn't not in the Dodge you guys have like a Phil Collins in the air tonight moment where it's like you I thought you were a cop he's like no I'm just stalking I remembering i remember the first video i jerked off to it was these two girls they just took their shirts off and then we're like woo and then there were a bunch of people in the background like woo and i was like that's those are tits and i jerked off and i've tried to find that video in the last couple i know i know exactly the first point i drew i would be a thousand dollars to look at the google searches you've tried to type in for that well no here's the show me exciting crowd tics no i i remember

the first one and it's still like i remember i went and i here's how much i went because it was like a preview video on bang bros and i actually walked to the ralphs and i bought with cash like one of those prepaid visa cards when i was like 15 so i could like sign up for a bang bros account so i could see the full video because i couldn't find it or download it anywhere like back in like the late 2000s right you know and uh yeah i think it like honestly i think about that video i'm like that's still the kind of like woman that i'm like attracted i think it like imprinted a lot of my sexual like you know like uh fucking desires or what because it was the olivia lovely ass parade 2005 the one where she's wearing the the denim jeans or whatever and uh yeah so i'm like yeah no that one yeah yeah well i mean i'm sure someone

probably like it's funny when you talk about porn with dudes and everyone like has to like subtly realize we all know exactly what we're all talking oh no i was being sarcastic i've i've never seen i don't even know i've never even watched olivia love that's not yeah it doesn't matter but i don't know oscar she also lives like where i'm from so like every time i do a show at the improv out there i'm like should i just tweet at her and be like hey free take that will never work yeah just just to be like hey thank you for all i bring up on stage and honor you like she's the truth you probably stopped me from killing kids in my high school so i feel fucking funny oh yeah buddy all right uh incredibles 2 had the biggest ever launch for an animated film with $181 million over three days.

When asked how, Disney executives were quick to credit black teens wanting to fuck Elastigirl. That is my whole explore page is just Elastigirl so thick memes. Well, yeah, I went and saw that yesterday and me and the girl, we were both just super stoned. Midway through the movie, she turns to me and she goes, Why does Mrs. Incredible have so much ass? Dude. And I was like, shut up. Well, yeah, they did that shit before I think the big butt trend really popped.

The first Incredible was, what, 2006 or something like that? 2003. 2003. That's fucking crazy. I didn't know that movie was out. Maybe 2004. Yeah, it just came out. It made $180 million.

Dude, actually, Mr. Incredible was one of the first dudes to. Maybe a four. Yeah, it just came out. It made $180 million. Dude, actually, Mr. Incredible is one of the first dudes to rap about eating ass. A lot of people don't. He's one of the first. I mean, they were a lot of like, it's a groundbreaking film. You gotta eat ass if you're Mr. Incredible. Oh my god. With a name like Mr. Incredible. But you can't do anything. You'd have to change your name to just Mr. Pretty Good if you didn't do it.

And he's shaped weird So you know he's got no dick Because he's just like Pointy at the bottom And you'd see the dick In the spandex So it's like yeah You gotta get that tongue game

On point dude I think he He probably had dick Before the steroids Or whatever I don't think he did steroids Yeah but people who look like him Do

Does he have an origin story I've never I can't remember The new one He's just big There's like five Terrible conversations Happening at the same time.

There's one great one. Incredible to be next. All right, guys. A Renaissance Faire actor has been accused of rape on festival grounds. The case is just another example of the growing yeetoon movement. God damn it. I nominate that joke for Supreme Joke of the Day so far. Man, that's like a big test of their authenticity as a renaissance fair.

It's like, well, if it were these times, I guess we'd burn her? When I say prima, you say nocta. Prima nocta. Why is it a black thing? What? That's how people hype up crowds. Yusef, we don't have black guys in here a lot, so we get kind of skittish. Don't you live with one?

Unfortunately. But, I mean, we're used to him. So whenever we have someone of color on the podcast, we're all like, well, we're all like trying to like, we're like talking to a girl. We want to ask out. We don't want to do it. I'm being normal. You're just like walking up like,

oh, you have such beautiful, uh. Yeah, Tom, if you can't see, he's wearing a Wu-Tang shirt. He knows nothing about this.

It'd be great if Tom showed up. He opens the door in like a South Pole jumpsuit like, what's up, man? Welcome in. No,

this is the October Stabby guy. I'm so sad that like white people have taken Wu-Tang from us. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's slowly happening

in the 3-6 Mafia and it's like making me inferior, like, furious. If you could put three things off limits for white people to take, what would you put a force field around? One, my ass not off limits. I don't know.

I don't give a shit. Fuck it. Let's see. Hmm. Shoplifting from Koreans. That's ours. Okay. All right. I't ever take that

I do this a lot Yeah I've appropriated A lot of culture In that case I appropriated Those Cheetos For breakfast Getting kicked out of CVS

Is this personal now? Have you been kicked out of CVS? Alright that one's more me I feel like the Keith Got breakfast Cheetos Like they have like A cinnamon roll flavor Where it's just like

And honestly Here's a real one. Fucking mayonnaise. That's a black ass thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know. White people eat mayonnaise. I think I saw you tweet about this the other day.

Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I've tweeted about it like 700 times. White people have always been about mayonnaise. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's a myth. No, I was with you, bitch. All right.

I grew up in the Caribbeanibbean right all right fucking french fries hot sauce and ketchup and mayonnaise like slathered to the point where you can't see the french like that's like a meal that's like and chicken like that's a fucking mayonnaise is is is a universal food yeah mostly for colored people yeah it's a black con well just people saying like oh like mayonnaise to like oh yeah taylor swift's new album that's a guy put his like airpods into hooked up to a mayonnaise or whatever you know so it's like we just we just got to do that no mayonnaise mayonnaise is i'm glad because you could have said bring back our girls and we would have done it we're just gonna we're just gonna stop using mayonnaise bring back

i don't like mayonnaise but it's it's white tom stop trying to impress yusuf all right it's awkward only because it's a white colored food like that's it white people don't do that they're not like oh marshmallows i enter to the floor potato salad that's a pretty white dish it's pretty mayonnaise centric that's white but i'll say this coleslaw just as white, but it doesn't get the same shit because it's good with barbecue. Oh, okay. And I love a good coleslaw and barbecue.

You know what I'm saying? I think in Europe, they don't use ketchup for fries. They just use the mayonnaise. He just wants to do headlamp. Europeans want to do headlamp. He's so angry. Amazingly, I have the least opinions about mayonnaise. Oh, wow.

At this table. He's just trying to play low because this hasn't turned into a bit about him yet. He's like, all right, if I ride this one out. Exactly what I was doing. I think we got to split the mayonnaise line down the middle for white and black people. I think mayonnaise, mayonnaise. White people get aioli. We get mayonnaise.

Oh, yeah, that's fair. Then we're just appropriating your culture again we're trying to avoid that it's like rock and roll we're taking it we're making it better yeah but then you just like have to pay more for it so it kind of works out you know yeah it seems cheaper to just steal your thing no why i know white people they're all about mayonnaise all right all right we want to move on here. We'll agree to disagree. I respect your opinion and your right to say it, and I won't fight for it. This is how Helter Skelter starts.

I'd fucking kill you. Dude, yo, I want you guys to fight. Dude, I'm going to get a mayonnaise jar tattooed on my forehead. Tom just made the XXL freshman class 2019. Is it my turn? Yeah, yeah. Okay. A Burger King manager was arrested trying to meet a 10-year-old girl for sex.

He pleaded with authorities saying, I'm not a monster. I brought her one of the little crowns. I mean, that would be kind of a dick move. It's just like you think like, oh, I'm fucking a masseuse. I'm going to get a free massage. It's like, well, I'm getting molested by a Burger King manager. But I mean, I'm going to get the whole Inspector Gadget kit where I can massage. It's like, well, I'm getting molested by a Burger King manager. But I mean, I'm going to get the whole inspector gadget kit where I can make the complete. I know it's McDonald's toys.

That's what Burger King does. They feed you something terrible and then they give you a toy afterwards. See, I feel like Burger King is more popular in the black community. Okay, check it out. There is only a. I grew up on a small island. Okay. There is only a Burger King for like the first seven years of my life.

And then it went out of business. Oh, really? Yeah. So the hangout spot for me was Wendy's. Okay. Yeah. But I mean, this is like a small sample size because I feel like every time I see people

talking about Burger King, it's usually black people. I'll never know. Dude, that's so racist of you. Yeah. I don't know. It'd be racist if he starts walking around like these fucking Burger Kings.

I'm sick of them. Really? Really? You're a Burger King? Hard-R and Burger. All right. Burger King. Speaking of racist.

Oh, boy. Yes, I went to a B-Gro King. B-Gro King. Ann Coulter has called the immigrant children separated from their parents child actors. The children responded, yes, all the lead shooter characters go to white kids. We need more Illuminati diversity. Yeah. I know.

Yeah. This podcast fights for representation among school shooters. Yeah. In other pictures. Yeah. So UCSB was like the Black Panther of school shootings Where it was just like, we just wanted to support I don't even like superhero movies

But I just thought that it was an important moment I'm surprised that there hasn't been a black school shooter yet Because there are a lot of black anime nerds Especially recently Oh my god, that's the next evolution There might be a school spirit bombing Oh god, oh god Give me energy

Yeah, if I get get 100 retweets fucking like you know like oh man i'm so happy but i guess there are a ton of black school shootings they're just like well they're just shootings they have reasons yeah so yeah everyone's like no that makes sense yeah they're never just he was grumpy yeah like that's what the white drugs you should kill him yeah it seems like what you do yeah no i don't i don't see what else you just threatened to kill my co-host over the concept of mayonnaise as uh all right here we go um trump this is i don't like this one trump just today announced the creation of a military space force not much is known about the new agency, but they did announce the name of its first mission.

El Solucion Final. They're going to launch Mexicans into the sun? That's a joke. Yeah. The best thing about the Space Force shit is you picture the people that you know. They're like, oh, well, yeah, once you get out of the Army. And it's just like the people that want to join the military. And it's like, that guy should be in space. That big square forehead of dipshit.

What is happening with your headphones right now oh i uh i lost the ear pad so i made one out of toilet paper and a rubber band it looks like your like your headphones got wounded in the civil war yeah yeah no i mean because i here's the i had to start using bluetooth on them because my headphone jack on my phone is broken uh so i was using them and i can only use one ear can you know so i had them like this. And I was on a plane. I was just bored, and I had a bunch of napkins in my backpack, and I was like, wait a minute. And I just made this little fucking jerry-rig thing. You're like the MacGyver of people who want to listen to Comptown on an airplane.

Well, no, it's like you get these awesome, nice, cool-looking studios, and then I just made them look so shitty. Yeah, he really janked that pretty fucking hard. I love that the rubber band's his product of Mexico. Oh, yeah. Those fuckers are going into the sun. Fucking, yeah, have fun up there, guys. No, that sounded mean. I'm just kind of tired and trying to keep the riffing going.

That's so funny. A supermassive black hole was seen eating a star for the first time ever. Something, something, something. Keith Carey went to Carl's Jr. God, you faggot. It bums me out so much that you didn't even take the time to finish the joke. No, it was funnier if it was the very low effort. I thought it was going to be a supermassive black hole was caught eating a star for the first time. And honestly, it's just good to see healthy eating making it to the black community.

Not as fun. I don't know. When you guys eat the chicken stars as a kid, did you eat the points off individually and then finish the little circular nugget last? This is the whitest thing I've ever heard of. I was a dinosaur kid. I was dinosaurs as well. Well, yeah.

I mean, but Carl's Jr. had the chicken stars, you know? Yeah, I didn't really get that. I didn't go to Carl's Jr. Dude, fuck Carl's Jr. Because I'd see someone like, I think it was like a sign of my my early autism where i'd see someone just like dive in and bite off two points and half the middle i'd be like dude you're ruining it like this is not i was eating them in one bite oh okay yeah yeah my my focus was you made your mom dress up like a ninja trying to throw under your mouth fucking carbo toe

all right uh melania trump spoke about immigrants being separated from their families by ice in a statement of the press melania said where do i sign up she doesn't want to be part of her family she's hammered that's the joke it's not good no okay well neither is this guys let's reset the energy a little bit you guys want to do a quick improv game? Okay. Zip, zip, zip. There's been enough racism already, Tom. I didn't find out that a zip was a unit of drug sales until I was like 23.

There's a racist improv game called Nip, Jap, Wop. The sound you just made. I just blew your mind Into karate noises Yeah That's the That's the second city In Chicago The racist improv

That's where they learn I love both Aniquated racism And I love new racism Yeah And I love Like lazy racism Yeah

Like one of my favorites My favorites are probably Those are the Illmatic of racism Sand nigger It's the best slur It's the best slur It's pretty great

It's like It's the best slur I don't know It doesnur. It's pretty great. It's like, it's the best slur. I don't know. It doesn't even make sense. They're not even Negroes. You know? No. Yeah.

It's literally, basically, it's like white people perfected the game with the N-word and now we're just trying to apply it to different fields. If you want to like attack, call them like pecan sandies or something. Oh, shit. That's good. But that sounds awesome. Mine was, my Middle Eastern one, it was garbanzo beaners. You know, and that's like, that's at least got like a little bit My Middle Eastern one, I was garbanzo beaners. And that's at least got a little bit of wordplay involved.

Aren't garbanzos Italian? Isn't that hummus, though? It's Middle Eastern. Well, they're everywhere, though, but not Mexico. See, I feel like you associate hummus with Middle Eastern. One time I walked in on Ramsey in the kitchen just eating hummus with his bare hands. He was just like, this is the most Palestinian thing I've ever done. You're an Arab Winnie the Pooh?

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Winnie the Weepoo in the streets. I don't even think they do that, but whatever. I'm just picturing Eeyore being like, instead of beheading a journalist,

they're just cutting off Eeyore's tail. All right. Nice. A woman in a viral video saying she's going N-word hunting is defending herself saying she isn't racist because she has black friends. Counter-argument, Dick Cheney has white friends

and he still shot one of their faces off. Oh. Oh. Nothing's funnier than hearing that joke not work and then just hearing the lawnmower Tom hasn't watched the news since 2004

I love a good Dick Cheney shot a guy reference I love a good one too her defense was like I have black friends and she didn't back it up that's why I nigger hunt I need black friends I'm always't back it up. That's why I nigger hunt. I need black friends.

I'm always trying to find the best new ones to add to my circle. I made it like bargain hunting or house hunting. It's not aggressive at all. I'm trying to add more to the group. I can picture a version of Supermarket Sweep where it's just black people on shelves and here comes Stacy just pulling them down. Yeah, yeah. There's like a discount bin and just Stacy Dash is like, hey, what's up? No.

I don't want anyone. Rachel Dolezal is like getting a whammy. A whammy? It's a game. I couldn't possibly begin to explain the reference. We can't go into press your luck right now. We don't have the time. I don't know any of these references.

Good. Connor, go. Oh, yeah. It's my. Oh, yeah. Wait. And isn't it Yusef I don't know any of these references. Connor, go. Oh, yeah. It's my... Oh, yeah. Wait, isn't it Yusuf's turn? Oh, never mind. Shut up.

Go. This is the best episode of Mean Boys, guys. I'm having fun. I said the N-word. I want that audio clip isolated right now. I was going to say,

just take that out. I said the N-word. Spotify is removing music from its playlist based on the abusive pasts of certain artists like R. Kelly and XXXTentacion. And it's also really putting a damper on their upcoming release, Beats to Own Slaves To. That's my favorite channel that you just turned on. I like that joke, but you should have included more Dick Cheney. I would have liked more. There's just like 5 have included more Dick Cheney. I would have liked more. There's just like 5% not enough Dick Cheney.

I don't know if you can include your own, because they'll do stations where it's like summertime at the beach. It's like rainy day at home. It'd be great if you had one where it was just like doing push-ups while you think about white nationalism. If you could make your own playlist and try to get it trending. And it's just like, oh, man. I looked at my buddy's Spotify history, and he was listening to the fucking racism jams. Really weird. The white man does get knocked down, but he gets knocked up again. Can other people see your playlist? They're never going to replace us.

Oh, really? If you don't go on private session. I have to go on private session every time I listen to that 169 song. I don't want anyone to know I listen to that 169 song because I don't want anyone to know I listen to it I don't know I just outed myself

I lost my writing job for HuffPo because I thought Ignition remix still bangs what is like the tribunal where they decide who is a bad enough guy to not be on Spotify anymore

oh yeah it seems arbitrary R. Kelly's gone Chris Brown's still there and what are they going to get to us because we're on Spotify we are on Spotify

well they just cleared up some database from fucking hardwick's albums getting deleted so oh yeah yeah yeah oh that was that was a fun comfortable segue all right guys a new sex robot will turn men down periodically when it's not in the mood that'll teach guys that buy fuck machines to be well-adjusted sex partners i like like what and no like in what universe is that like oh like this is buy fuck machines to be well-adjusted sex partners. I like, like, in what universe is that? Like, oh, I'm learning to be healthy in respect to the way... It's just going to be like, I got friend-zoned by a robot. Now I really want to shoot everybody at the post office.

Well, no, here's what it's really going to be. So I raped that robot. Yeah, I mean... 100% of those robots are getting raped. Yeah, so, like, I got in there with a screwdriver, pried it open... Yeah, I don't want to speak Spanish now, but it does what it's told. Here's what I imagine a guy would do. You just go in and like...

You remember when you get a new Nintendo DS or whatever, you got to put in your birthday, and then you could update it again to get free shit in your Pokemon game? He's just going to do that every day. He's going to be like, come on, babe, it's my birthday. She's like, well, okay. Activate anal.exe. He goes and gets the Allen wrench, and he presses the hard reboot button inside the butt cheek, and he's just like, all right, here we go.

That'd be such a great prank, because you go to your buddy's room, and you change his fuck robot's language to Chinese, and he's just like, god damn it. Oh, shit. Have you seen that iPhone thing where they give someone your phone, and they put your number in, and they change your language to Chinese as a joke? Yeah. Oh, that would be really funny. Oh, shit. Have you seen that iPhone thing where someone gives you your phone, and they put your number in, and they change your language to Chinese as a joke? Yeah. Oh, that would be really funny. Oh, yeah. I tried to do that with someone, but then I couldn't find out how to do that.

I couldn't find where the language changer was. Wow, dude. Fucking good story, bro. The girl I was dating on April Fool's Day did that, but she changed my autocorrect text, so every time I wrote the word the, it would autocorrect to the entire Declaration of Independence. I don't know why she did that, but the first three times it happened, I literally was like, am I dying?

Because it was so weirdly specific and yet had nothing to do with anything I've ever said. I was so fucking confused. I was like, did I copy-paste this for a bit or something? Yeah, yeah. Did I get drunk and get really into civics again? Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm the mayor. Scientists have discovered what they're calling an underwater octopus city. Underwater octopus city also sounds like the name of a Guns N' Roses song released exclusively in Japan. Dude, that sounds so tasty. I can see the cover art. Just you swimming through with a fork and a knife.

They would kill the fuck out of me, dude. Octopus, I think, I genuinely think they are smarter than people. What have we told you about your animal facts? You've got to put on

the pith helmet when you start telling us shit about animals. Octopuses are not smarter than people. They're just smarter than you. They have, I genuinely believe

they have a higher intelligence. Are you like a scientist or something? Yeah, yeah. Science hard, bro. Dude, he fucking loves science. Even more offensive than the I fucking love science page is the safe for work I freaking love science. Have you seen that?

Oh, my God. They have a safe for work mirror site where it's just like, I don't want everyone in the office thinking I'm so edgy when I just click like on an article about stars I'm never actually going to try to understand. Well, I love science, but I'm not too fond of profanity. Yeah, yeah. Octopuses are fucking smart, man. There are seven main types of intelligence. They're all smarter in one

of them. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Give me one example of an octopus how smart it is. He's going to say the same thing about the one that shot water to turn the light switch off. They should make a white nationalist version of fucking like science where it's just like the same memes but without neil i fucking i fucking love eugenics i fucking love science not crazy about the blacks they've also trained octopus to solve rubik's cubes i can't solve a rubik's cube yeah can you solve a rubik's cube probably like i don't know i feel like everyone tells me it's like oh it's

algorithms which what does that even mean like that's not everyone says that about everything that is like computers or something yeah i went on a date with a girl one time who just had like a basket of rubik's cubes and she would just like solve them with one hand while she was watching family guy it was very weird that's terrifying yeah it didn't didn't really good story bro what was the hand job action like uh didn't get one yeah i don't know what we were very young this is a girl that i ran into at that shitty show oh yeah yeah so we had this like one weird awkward like half date with her like buddhist cult family when i was a kid and then she like popped out at like a show that i was doing one time it was like a really bad show and i was on

stage was like i promise my career is going like slightly better than this like oh those are the words that would have been awesome if you could say you got cube gibbered that would be fucking like what what just say that i love the visual of someone getting jerked off oh yeah you're solving a rubik's cube at the same time nobody in the history of forever is called getting a hands up getting jibbered yeah i i mean i have and i'm in history when you said that, imagine bubbles coming out of a pussy for some reason. I don't know why that's what I thought. That sounds like a slur for cuber. You're jumping around making a ruckus, you cube jibber.

That's what you call an Asian engineer. That didn't work. No, not really. It's jazz, man. I should have went with Asian video game designer. But that would still have been bad. Fuck! Asian.

Asian. Asian. Look, you need to reference Dick Cheney. I'm telling you. Is Yusef next? No, I think I'm next. Oh, okay. Did I turn something off?

I feel like I hit this in the... Yeah, you might have not. Everything barely works. So let me jigger your headphones. Just give me a thumbs up when you can hear. Cube jibber. Yeah, I'm good. That was such an apathetic pound on the table. It's like, I want

pictures of Spider-Man, but I don't... It's not like a big deal. I mean, let's focus on getting that front page story done. I mean, that'd be great. J. Jonah Jameson, but he prioritizes. He's like, God damn it, we need to redo the pictures for our calendar section. And is that Spider-Man thing still going on?

That might be worth a few copies, you know? The World Cup has started. If you want to see outstanding physical performance, excitement, playing through Is that Spider-Man thing still going on? That might be worth a few copies, you know? All right. The World Cup has started. If you want to see outstanding physical performance, excitement, playing through pain, and the embodiment of human sacrifice in the name of pride, sleep until football season. Damn, Tom. It's shade. I should have referenced Dick Cheney.

You know, when I wrote that joke, I was... If you say Dick Cheney one more time, I'm going to throw you out the window. Dick Cheney. Let's see if he can lift me up. one more time, I'm going to throw you out the window. Dick Cheney. Let's see if he can lift me up. I didn't say I was going to throw you out the window right now. Oh, this is a cage thing. Keith still can't give me the cage. He still can't pick up anything over 20 pounds.

And I'm over 40 pounds. Like he just got a vasectomy and they're like, yeah, don't lift up anything over 20 pounds. You're over 40 pounds. What a gentle way to spin fat. What I'm picturing now is like you think of like all the supervillains in the Spider-Man universe, and it's like, there's a 9-11 memorial, but for people that Rhino killed. Rhino-leven? Rhino-leven.

Rhino-leven. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, here's the monument to the Green Goblin massacres of Spider-Man 76 or whatever. Toby Keith writes an album about people who fell victim to Mysterio. We'll put a boat in your ass you fucking weird vulture guy with cancer.

Where were you when that rhino man blasted through that building? Where were you when it was like, not Venom, but like the red version of Venom? Yeah. Green Goblin

sent you to heaven. No, Ariana Grande, I am appalled at what Carnage has done at my concert. I have no words. I'm so sorry. Pete Davidson's dad

dies trying to help people that are being attacked by Carnage. The front page of the video is just thoughts and prayers and pictures of Spider-Man. That's so fucking funny. Oh, dude, Rhino... Dude, Rhino 9-11

is a... Rhino 9-11 is a weird version of Reno 911. Yeah, Tom Lennon really did some weird shit before he started writing those movies. Rhino 9-11. Alright, Yusuf. Yeah, you're right you said yeah i'm not crazy about these uh jesus christ i hate this one i hate this one i hate myself we're not gonna mercy you you saw what they did to me yeah dude i mean no one's we haven't we haven't exactly brought thunder to the table so far you're fine uh beyonce and jay-z

dropped a surprise double album over the weekend giving black women everywhere a reason to be even worse at their jobs man jesus dude yeah yikes well i wasn't going to do this next one but now i feel like i have like a license so take that out i'm not retweeting this podcast it doesn't no one's for it's it's uh target has apologized For selling a Father's Day card Featuring a black couple That reads baby daddy

The popular chain Were replaced with A traditional black Father's Day card A phone card So you can call him in jail Yeah I got it Yousef started it

Okay I was gonna do I was gonna do I was gonna do another one About how you're fat But I mean I was trying to make you Feel more comfortable With your bad racist joke by

just being a good host, you know? A woman was caught on camera shaving her legs on a subway train in Manhattan. If you think that's gross, wait until you hear what she shaved in Bushwick. These are gonna devolve into extra, extra... Keith Gay.

These are jokes I couldn't solve to Don Rickles before he died. Every other week I feel like I have good ones, and then the other week I'm just like, I don't know. What if a fart was a butt? Yeah, yeah. Keith's just like, I didn't have time, so I just raided the Dennis Miller option package. God, man.

The great thing about Dennis Miller tweets now is he clearly has copied and pasted his Dennis Miller option hashtag. But when he first copied and pasted it, he forgot the second L. So he's repeatedly spelling his own name wrong. Everyone is making fun of him about it, and he continues to do it. Yeah, Dennis Miller is one of the most hilarious failures in American comedy. I was watching the Dennis Miller special in my hotel room not that long ago, and I was like, this isn't that bad. It was like, where did it go wrong, Dennis?

Like, it was like, I was kind of enjoying it, you know? Dude, I actually, me and my co-host, and we were listening to like a couple episodes of it for our next episode of our podcast. And it's the worst fucking thing in the world. Oh, the podcast? Yeah, no, it is. It's terrible, my podcast.

Yeah. But fucking, one of those jokes really got me laughing and i don't know if it's because like i was fucked up or because of whatever but he's uh he's like see i'm the i'm the young guy here right i'm the young guy and uh i don't know what it is but the dems you know they got in run in 2020 they got they got they got biden running they got bernie sanders they got hillary clinton it's like a table read for clash of the titans i laughed for like 25 minutes i don't even get it i don't know i don't know is he saying like oh yeah you're as old as poseidon yeah i guess you cankily whore like what is the onus of the i don't know i look man i I don't know he's like like he kind of

writes like like when you know and like someone's like you see those articles every year where it's like we trained a computer to write jokes and here's what it came up with where it's just like that sound like it's in the format of a joke but anyway all right form of a joke coming up I'm taking a big swing on this

one uh I love your internal monologue yes uh have you have you seen? Don't hear this. All right. Go. Chris Hardwick was accused of being abusive and making his ex anorexic. The Nerdist staff was heard singing,

It's a Hardwick life for us. It's a Hardwick life for us. Instead of kindness, he's a dick. He had a girlfriend, and she starfished. It's a hardwick life. Oh, man. Yo! That's, yeah, bravo.

That's good. I'm not clapping, but it was impressive. I only stammered once. And you only rhymed once. You guys, what are we doing on this podcast? What are we about anymore? I don't we about anymore i don't really i don't know man i've fallen from grace it's all kind of gotten away from us i feel like what okay so i get that he like sexually assaulted her it's terrible yes and they called it starfishing what is that i don't understand the connection there oh yeah

the legs out while he fucked her and she didn't want it. She vegetable-ed herself. Yeah. Oh, because I didn't... Remember when we talked about the sex robot thing? It means she dressed up like Misty from Pokemon. Because I didn't know... Genuinely, I didn't know what natural... I was like, I know what chocolate starfish is.

Is it like... I was like, does he cut off her legs and they grow back? That's like a... That's called lizard-ing. That's like a 40-year-old dad phrase where it's like, oh, yeah, she starved. Like, you know, that's like in their kind of like lexicon or whatever. Nobody who's ever made a woman cum has ever said the word starfishing. It's an established thing.

Yeah, it's kind of like a... I thought he came up with that. Oh. He would have called it something way dumber. Doctor who boxing What's the name of the mannequins from the bad guys The plastic Oh yeah she plasticed me

He would have called it some dumb shit Talking pussy Talking box Do you think he hosted a show After he talked Interview interviewing her about the attack I did see everybody Everybody on Twitter Like trip over themselves

Is Chris Hardwick going to host his careers after show And I was just like guys how did you not think That was like the Ben Affleck Matt Damon Batman thing you know We literally thought of that joke before we read the story Oh yeah yeah Well That's the first part of the show. We'll be right back with some stuff.

Hello, fellow listeners. My name is Ear, Mr. Ear. For the past months, I have been a big part of the Mean Boys war against lack of sound by spraying the good word of studio headphones. We here at the mean boys podcast join forces with the loud ethnic swedish people in order to feel triumphant over sound and we did unfortunately the argentinians of europe have folded in their fight against the peaceful quiet that's right the mean boys no longer have a sponsorship. As ambassador to the most hilarious sounding people of all time, I am devastated by this news.

This moment has put sorrow in my heart, but never silence in my ears. Over the century, there have been some terrible times for sound. When Beethoven betrayed us. When Van Gogh cut off his ear. The invention of the Wazzah movement. The mockery of ears that is the film Dumbo. But this moment is now by far the most hurtful. But it's important to celebrate the good times.

And there have been many a good time. The invention of hearing aids. When Miss Year got to make amends and bond with Mr. Eyes when that bitch Helen Keller was born. Ben Stiller, can you hear me now commercials? Can I get a can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Amen. Once again, thank you to everyone who supported the Mean Boys.

Thank you to everyone who used promo code Mean Boys when they bought their studios. And most of all, thank you to everyone for listening. Thank you to all. This is goodbye from Mr. Ear. I love all the listeners from the bottom of my earlobes to the top of where I start curving. And no matter what, please remember,

even if you can't hear me, never stop listening. And now, reluctantly, we take a look back at the career of Mr. Ear. Mr. Ear is still very happy about that. Mr. Ear is love. Mr. Ear is the still very happy about that. Mr. Ears loves... Mr. Ears, the unbeloved character who will never make another appearance on this show. Oh, yeah.

Well, his name was Mr. Ear last time. I could not give less of a hot fuck. Shut up, Tom. Yeah. Hey, this is Mr. Ear here, and I just want to say I love audio from studio headphones. Suck a bag of dicks, Mr. Ear, but do buy a studio headphone. And also buy studio headphones. Tom, tell them about the Sudios.

Oh, well, Mr. Ear here says that Sudio is the best audio format to list of audio formats in audio formats. We filled out a contract with these people, and this is the endorsement they're getting. No. My name is the headphones monster, and I'm just here to... Nope, nope. Oh, well, Mr. Ear here, no monster. Fuck everyone. We're not introducing any more promotional characters.

Speaking of monsters, Mr. Ear exclusively listens to audio with Studio Echo. And lord knows we all care what the fuck Mr. Ear's deal is. Oh jeez, I can't imagine why we don't have more fucking sponsors when every single product has a Mr. Blah Blah Blah dipshit. I can't wait for Professor

MeUndies to dick us out of some money. Anyway, beautiful. Unbelievable. I want to fuck this sound in the mouth. That's how Mr. Ear was created. Oh my god. It's not even funny as an anti-joke anymore. It's just the worst. It actively bothers me. It makes the podcast bad

and hurts all of our livelihoods. You can hear all of Cotter's complaints with that crystal clear sound from studio headphones. Shut your cum-guzzling mouth. Oh shit, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast is back. And we're going to try out a new game. I'm pretty nervous about it now

because I feel like we're all a little... It's too hot to podcast, I feel like. We'll open a... Oh, the fucking weed whacker fucking guy thing. Oh, I had a little authentic ambiance. Let's crack one open. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So this game... I'm calling it Yahoo Answers Family Feud. So I'm basically... I'm gonna... Oh, shit. I should have got the buzzers because someone bought us buzzers specifically for this.

Oh, yeah. Let's get the buzzers. Let's get the buzzers. We'll be right back when I find the buzzers. Okay. So we found the buzzers and then we realized we had to unscrew something and put batteries in them, so we decided, fuck it.

Yeah. Let's just restart the segment. $1,660 a month for this podcast. That's retarded. Every time we do something like that, I'm like, man, we're a publicly traded company. Oh, shit. Straight up bananas. Yeah, imagine if Exxon was like,

dude, yeah, we got a new guy, and he's not as good with Excel as he thought he was, so we don't really know what the numbers are, but it seems like it's going good. They kind of did that when they spilled all that oil. Yeah, that's kind of exactly what they did. Does publicly traded mean you can buy stock in this? I mean, yeah, yeah.

You can give money to our Patreon. Yeah, you can give money to our Patreon. But is that stock? No, I mean, sure, yeah, yeah. You guys all own a piece. If that makes you listening want to give us money, you can call it whatever you want, sweetheart. Just fucking give me $10. That would be such a bad idea to sell shares.

Oh, yeah. Well, you didn't tell me I couldn't create infinite shares to give you a microscopic ownership. But I'm on the board of Buttmeister in the Spanish. Alright, so I'm just going to read a Yahoo Answers question, and you guys have to guess the top answer, and whoever gets it first gets the point. Have you been on the Yahoo Answers?

It's insane. Anyone can ask, anyone can answer, and it is a community used... I mean, it's only used by people with really bad bad wrong opinions not one good person has ever answered the yahoo question yeah it's never been like well as an ontologist uh i thought i should chime in here and let you know it's always just like my mom was had a pet gator and it was fine like the government took my shins anyway jews are bad

yeah so uh we're gonna kick it off and just and just jump in and whoever gets the closest to the right answer will get the point. What race are the best lovers? I'm going to say black. Nope. Hispanic. Nope. Asian? Dorf. Nope. Close. Night elf. Hobbit. Yeah, it's half elves. It's half elves

are the best lovers. Oh my god. Because they combine the ancient wisdom of the elves and the energy and childlike curiosity of men. This is where it's just written by a guy who wants to have sex in his parents' house. He's like, well, maybe. It's like, I'm 35, but I mean,

I still have all my Legos. You are a half-elf. You can fuck this dude. He said half-elves? Yeah, yeah, half-elves. I was going to say, if someone said night elves, I'd be like, well, it's actually blood elves. But let's, you know. Yeah, yeah, if we're going like Warcraft, right? You know, the canonical fucking shit. The most fuckable race.

I don't speak nerd. Damn, Tom. You're so edgy, dude. I did, yeah. Tom just got his own podcast on Gas Digital. I'm all edged. Yeah, dude, I don't talk about nerd shit. Anyway, here's a list of things I say that. Yeah, dude, I don't talk about nerd shit. Anyway, here's a list of things I've lifted.

I only like televised fighting competitions and obscure energy drinks. Check it out on the Real Cock podcast. Do snakes have butts? Ooh. Yes?

No. Yep. There wasn't a lot of room to grow on that one. It was one or the other. Yet you still lost. So maybe stop talking shit. As Yusef takes an early lead, the leader writes, no, snakes do not have butts, but they do have an anus.

Not an anus. A anus. A anus is when your butthole breaks down on the side of the road. What goes in. That's triple anus. Triple anus. A anus is when you have an eating ass problem no that's what that's what uh every gay guy should have it as well in case you have a prolapse he calls a and it's like yeah i'm just gonna need

to check your membership card and i'll tuck all that loose meat back up inside your shitter and uh you know i'll hook some fucking red does the red one go on the left nipple or the right nipple i never can be sure what do you think cleaning up after gay sex is like repacking a parachute? Well, if you prolapse, I feel like it is. It's like, how am I going to get this tent back in the bag? We've got to pack up and get out of here, or we're going to have to pay for an extra day at the campground. It's like Goldberg where you open a jar of peanuts and a bunch of snakes fly out. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I do have a peanut brittle tattooed on my butthole. Oh, man. You know what would be so funny? If you got one of those and just filled it with diarrhea And gave it to someone That you didn't like So you just leave the Pringles in it Am I right guys? Shots fired Pringles

Step your chip game up Pringles are good I do like Pringles Pringles are good Nerds are bad Mayonnaise is for the white man. Yeah, mayonnaise is for the white man. It's Mayo Nefes Destiny, man.

That's so fucking funny. All right, next. He goes on to explain in great detail how to find a snake's butthole. I mean, I don't know. I think just run your finger along the bottom. When it disappears, you got there. Yeah, I imagine it's kind of got like a little flat. I imagine it kind of because they got to slither around.

It wouldn't be super open or else it'd be getting shit stuck in there. Try to find its dick. And when you enter it, you know, it's the butt. Yeah. Do snakes have dicks? Is a more interesting question. This is like the Ocean's Eleven of trying to fuck a snake. I don't know.

We go through the mud. We need a flexible Asian guy. Man-made for some reason. Yeah. It's some dude that does computers. We're all going to be replaced by women. Bernie Mac to do some snaps or something. I didn't like that movie. There were less oceans in that.

Dude, the heist would be so easy if you had a black ghost on your squad. I mean, the Italian job would be 10 minutes long if they could have Richard Pryor just like, All right, well, yeah, later, guys. I'm off to Columbia. We all know why. All right. Is adoption better than abortion? Better?

Yeah. What is the top answer on Yahoo Answers? I mean, this is again, it could only be. Then I'll say yes. No. Kill yourself. Absolutely not. And then all caps lock.

Either parent or abort. Do not abandon your child to adoption. Also, do not contact anyone on here who's saying, mail me, mail me. I'll snatch your baby away from you Wow This has happened to this person That was community voted to be the top answer What's their name

They deleted their account I assume probably because of Ironic teens gaslighting them in their Fucking Yahoo inbox Just be like well actually if you listen to this Fucking anti-flag song, you'll find out that it's a beautiful process. And I feel bad because some people just wanted to be ignorant on the internet in 2008.

Ignorant on the internet. You really were struggling with that. Yeah, yeah. Ignorant. Some people were just trying to sell seashells by the seashore. So they write this at their fucking cubicle job working for Next for next hell phones and then like 10 years later they're still getting emails from people being like i'm a parent of an adopted child they're like fuck i gotta recover that password and delete this account uh next one how do i know if i'm gay oh top answer

try sucking a dick no jerk off the porn that's gay no pray no it's if you're sexually attracted to guys and then caps lock only guys do not mail me but it's spelled M-A-L-E alright next one what's the best position to give yourself an enema

anally no good answer. Missionary? No, not missionary. Laying on your back but with your legs like up over your head. Yoga.

That's what I thought but that's not the answer either. No, define prone. I don't know. I just hear you say it. Like planking. Yeah. Never mind.

I take it back. Yeah, quick sidebar. What do you call the position where the girl's laying down and you're like on her stomach and then you're fucking her from behind like on topbar. What do you call the position where the girl's laying down on her stomach and then you're fucking her from behind on top of her? Do you know the name for that position?

Oh, when she's planking and then you're... Yeah, yeah, and you're just behind her. Dude, I don't know. Like fucking dead doggy style? That's way better than prone bone because I've heard it called prone bone before. That's weird. Nobody's calling it that. I feel like a lot of people...

You keep bringing this up. It's only you. I just want to know What the consensus is The consensus is You're weird I'm not This is just what I heard

I never knew what to call it either So I was like Oh I guess that's the name It's called Dead Doggy Style now It is called Dead Doggy Style Yeah

It's called Roadkill Style It's called Went to Live at a Farm Upstate Style It's called Christmas is Ruined Style Old Yellering Coming Home Style Old Yellering That's what it is style it's called christmas is ruined style old yeller ain't coming home style old yeller

ain't that's what it is i give her the old marley and me uh the marley and me well okay so it's a long story short the best answer is laying on your side and then you hold like one knee up to your stomach so you can like get a good angle you know that makes sense yeah yeah but uh it's like it's like most most of them apparently the instructions say all you have to have like a partner to do it and it's like i don't know anyone i'm good enough friends with yeah to be like like keith i've had keith shave my back several times but i've never been like hey keith could you help me like loosen up some even if i was a sex partner i wouldn't want the guy who's gonna fuck me to clear out the the you know what i mean yeah no but you send the Chinese to dynamite the cavern and

then you bring in the train tracks like but I feel like it's one of those things that you just if you need another person for you can never do until you're in like a three-year-long relationship and it's like this is my first enema because I've never loved someone as much as this you know yeah I just did it did I talk about my first titty fucking experience on the show no we talked about it in person yeah yeah I just I I felt, exactly like I thought, I just felt awkward because I was like, this can't be fun for you

because she asked me to do it and I was just like, yeah, does it feel guilty? You know, I'm like, this is not better. There's better, yeah, there's better like sources of friction out there.

Titty fucking is the best 15 seconds of your life and if you do it any longer than that, you're not going to have a good time. Yeah. You just do it for a long time and be like, I'm fucking your tits.

Neat. And you're like, all right. It's like buying like a Tweety Bird ice cream cone. And it's just like, well, yeah, it does look like them, but this doesn't taste that great. I should have just gotten a Choco Taco or whatever. Maybe the problem is I'm only having sex with men.

Is that how you think? Nah, I'm getting fucked up, man. Oh, you're gay? Nah, nah. I'm being straight. I was kidding. Alright, does anybody know the best way to get sober from meth? Laying down on your side. Stop doing meth. Yeah.

We're looking for top answer here. You want a prone. Yep. I'm going to say this is not the right answer, but I think somebody wrote methadone. No. Start doing heroin. Nope. Ritalin.

Toss yourself down. Nope. Kill yourself. Rehab? down. No. Kill yourself. Rehab? No, no, not rehab. You idiot.

The Yahoo answers is going to be like, well, so you got 12 step problems. I feel like it's going to be like vote Trump and all kinds of stuff. One step, buy a gun.

Yeah, okay, the answer is smoke weed and drink some tea. I'll read this guy's full account. Smoke weed

and drink some tea. Because I really enjoy it. And just try to think about whatever makes you happy. That's pretty much all you can do, lol. But the weed could make you get super fucked up depending on how it affects you. But when I take amphetamines and smoke weed, it calms down the effects a lot. And, oh, play some video games to make the time go by faster. And whatever you do, make sure you do not start freaking out.

And you'll think you're ODing. You'll freak out and you'll get really paranoid as long as your body is functioning. It's fine. You're not going to die. You'll be fine. And then for sources, he wrote, that's what I do. Yeah, I'm pretty in love with that answer. That rule's pretty hard.

All right, next question. My husband vapes. He doesn't do it around me, but will it cause birth defects in our baby? What can I do to prevent complications? Oh, your baby's already retarded. Yeah, your baby will be born a sleeveless rapist. Yeah. Your baby's going to come out in a tap-out t-shirt.

Your baby will be born with opinions on the Joe Rogan podcast. Yeah, it's already subscribed as soon as you come. Oh, God. Your baby's going to, for some reason, be born with an even younger girlfriend. Your baby's dating a fetus. Yeah, I know. an even younger girlfriend. Your baby's dating a fetus. Yeah, I know. It's cool. She got held back a year or so.

God, that's funny. Pretty mature for age. Yeah, so how can you avoid vape-related pregnancy complications? What's the top answer? Leave this man? No. Don't let him vape. Abort the baby. Yeah, do not let him blow vape smoke directly up your pussy hole.

No, that's not it. Okay, so you should do that then. Oh, man, what if you blew vape smoke at a lady's pussy and then it just came out of her mouth? Oh, that would be... Like a steam whistle, like work is over. We have to talk about why that woman has a direct line to her asshole. No, it's going all the way around. It's just you blew a lot of it.

Well, you could probably... Just let him smoke cigarettes. Have you guys ever heard the rumor that if you blow into a pussy, they die? Yeah. I feel like that's I don't want to try it. You know, wait, a pregnant pussy. No, just like any old pussy. You can blow an air bubble up in them.

Yeah. Like you blow it up like a balloon. So it's real? That's the rumor. I think so. I don't think so. I think you would have to blow. I read about it once.

You had to blow like a crazy amount of like very specific air, like with like a straw. You're't think so. I think you would have to blow. I read about it once. You have to blow a crazy amount of very specific air with a straw. You're like, Keith, what are you doing with that bicycle pump? And he's just like, I'm just trying to be kinky. Trying to get out of a weird relationship. Yeah. So the answer is you have to pray the Jesus prayer. Give birth at home in a small pool of water. Why?

It limits exposure to demonic influence in hospitals. Holy shit. Vaccines are chipped. No ultrasound no ultrasound please because it leads to the mark of the beast aborted babies burn in hell until final judgment miscarriage happens because women wear high heels weight pushes down on baby baby falls out cesarean happens because of tight hips which happened because women wear pants that's why women should wear a dress. Forgive me. Whoa! That took a turn. Is that the amphetamine guy? I did try to go on that guy's account and see if he'd answered anything else, but unfortunately

that was his one contribution to the community. Dr. Quaker is intense. Dr. Quaker. I do like the fucking... Matter of fact, weight pushes down on baby, baby falls out. Like it's Jaws? Yeah, no, he put a semicolon in between those two thoughts.

Don't put baby in a corner or any weight on him. And also, some babies are retarded because girls read books. Yeah, yeah. I am curious about, like, so when the babies reach final judgment in hell, like, what does God mean? Like, ah, come on. You know, like, is it? I mean, I don't think this person's God is going to be cool about it. No, I think.

Oh, yeah. Sucks to suck, little faggot. And then just whip him into the lake of fire. Yeah, yeah. St. Peter's like, well, man, rules are rules. I know you can't understand what I'm saying because you died before you even heard speech. All you heard was the swirling of amniotic fluid. But yeah, we put him down the chute, you know.

Baby tube. And then the fucking goes on this like weird like slide and it just gets hotter and hotter and hotter and they're just like like fucking raging raging waters into lava you know uh and the last one i live in maine and i want to know is there a place where i sell my wife's extra breast milk and the price oh the number one cut the number one comment is like an email address or a phone number. Like, please contact me. No, not that.

See, now I'm like, is it a service? Yeah. I'm going to say, yeah, there's a clinic. I guess someone gave a clinic information. Okay. All right. I don't know anything about women. Can you say breast milk?

Someone asking for a photo of his wife's titties. Nope. Oh, good guess. Yeah, no, the top comment is, maybe this guy could use the extra money for his family. No need to be so rude. Because he was getting gaslit. And then he wrote, he edited his post.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't, yeah. Isn't gaslighting when you just harass somebody? No. No. Oh, okay. Gaslighting is when you basically tell somebody their experience was different than it was and make them feel crazy. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like what you're doing to me right now with my definition of gaslighting. No, you're just wrong. I know. I was in a bit. Anyway, he edited his post. He wrote, I'm not interested in comments.

I want answers. And if you don't have one, please don't write. And what do you think? I don't care. Do you know that the Red Cross sells the blood to the hospitals? No? Shut up, then. That's right. Seema want to buy this tit milk?

The way I found these, by the way, was I just Googled key phrase. I just Googled breast milk, vaping, abortion, meth, and I just found out. Yeah, you know how to play. That was the first and last ever round of Yahoo! I like it. This is what happens.

You insecure fuck. I guess that's gay and terrible. I felt I had license too because I made it. That was Yahoo! Answers Family Feud. It would have worked better if I would have been able to get the canary yellow suit in time. We're going to fine tune this one. Yeah, a little bit of music.

So that will be right back with the mailbag in just a second. Coming to theaters this summer. A film that dives into the seedy underbelly of children run amok, and the only prison strong enough to hold them. From New World Pictures, in association with the United States Border Patrol, it's Caged Youth. Mexico, a fiery blend of herbs, spices, and sin. A teeming hotbed of tequila, tostadas, and treachery. The streets are filled with blood, and the ruler of those streets is Tijuana's most feared criminal, Jorge Gonzalez.

Hola, I am Jorge. I am ocho years old. I love El Spider-Man. Look at him. This bastardo is the child crime king of Central America, and now he's hell-bent on bringing his reign of terror to our backyard. Que? king of Central America. And now he's hell-bent on bringing his reign of terror to our backyard. Okay. He's the son of a donkey show prostitute and a sentient machete. He's clawed his way from the dirty streets of Guadalajara to the top of the Mexican criminal underground. He's got ice in his veins and murder in his heart. What? No, no, no,

no. I don't kill anybody. He kill everybody. Don't let his cute face and the fact that he is straight up eight years old fool you. This little angel has dirty wings. And now he's on his way to America to butcher every gringo and gringette in sight. No, no, no, I don't kill. I go to America to go to school. That's right, he's on his way to your kid's school as we speak

to shank your sons and daughters with a broken maraca. But Jorge didn't count on one thing. The fast acting, take no shit officers of the american border patrol oh yeah i was uh getting a cup of coffee and i saw this kid just walking over the border alone i mean usually we just give him a bottle of water maybe let him call his mom but i guess uh wait what are what are we doing with him now locking his ass up in super mexican super max a nice detention facility designed exclusively to hold the children of the dam. The big toy box.

Oh. Oh, really? Because, like, uh... I don't know. That doesn't seem right. That's right. It's the law. Ah, jeez. Okay. I, uh... Sorry, kid. I guess you gotta come with me. No! That's right. Jorge's headed

to the big house. And if he wants to survive, he'll need brute strength, the cunning of a fox, and a killer instinct. Because of the ICE detention facility, there's no mercy. Yeah, I think we got some coloring books or something. I don't know, man, there's like 2,000 kids in cages here. There's nothing in the handbook about what to do about this. It's lockdown for these terrible tots, and it's time for this super cop to put away childish things. Why are we doing this? I don't know, kid.

Hey, announcer guy, are we Hitler now? Because it really feels like we might be Hitler. This summer, caged youth. One bad boy gets sent on the ultimate time out. Rated NC-17 for extreme violence, moderate Espanol, and some weird sex abuse stuff we're going to find out about in like three weeks. Hi, Mr. Ear here one last time. God fucking damn it. Telling you to go to...

We had to edit a career retrospective for a character with no characteristics. I'm an ear. Gotta tell you all to go to Don Carlos... I have nine different voices. Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Forna. You can't even. Of all the information, there's a website for you to fuck up to work vegetarian.

A state you currently live in. Any Cali you wish. I prefer the Fornas. So, yeah, go to La Jolla and go to eataburrito.com For more information It's conveniently located To be conveniently located You could say conveniently They got delicious beans

I genuinely hate that this exists It's the comedy store of making laughs In La Jolla, California It's fucking cruel what you did to people by giving them closure And then being like, surprise I'm going to play another season for the Rockets. It's like you buried Mr. Ear in a pet cemetery, but he just came back normal, and that's the worst thing that could have happened.

This is the Michael Jordan's baseball career of the shittiest spokesperson that's ever existed. But yeah, it's near, Don Carlos is near the La Jolla Comedy Store, and you can also eat vegetarian things. Mmm, I love vegetarian things Mr. Ear can eat a bullet Mr. Ear will eat whatever the fuck he wants that's a little negative for Mr. Ear

I never said I was positive go eat the Mr. Ear signature cyanide tostada use promo code meanboys15 to get a taco or some shit yeah go tell them meanboys sent you so the guy that works there that doesn't know about this whole deal can be like,

all right, man, are you going to get some food or do I got to call somebody? Yeah, do that and tell them, more importantly, Mr. Ear sent you to Don Carlos' taco shop. If you ever say the words Mr. Ear at Don Carlos,

they will kill you in the back. Yeah, well... No, they love Mr. Ear. They'll be like, we've been getting a lot of customers that seem to have been Manchurian-candidated by some kind of talking ear. It's about the ear in your heart not the ear in your ears

does that have to do with anything hell no but you go go to don carlos i don't know why the east coast podcasters think we're going to eat a burrito do you want us now come down yeah yeah is this what you people want eat a burrito.com or go to the Comedy Store. Just keep walking until you find the Don Carlos taco shop. Yeah, incredible hulky way around. Wander. Until you bump into the hat logo. Still conveniently located in La Jolla, California. Okay, and Mr. Ears' biggest weakness, bringing it home.

Yeah, a home is where the ear lives. Kill yourself. Eataburrito.com. Goodbye, everyone. I'm pressing the square button. Goodbye, my friends. The ad is done. I love you.

Can you move your phone away from this? It's getting a little buzz. I've never been disturbed by diarrhea. Well, not my own diarrhea. And the Mean Boys is back. Because I've never been disturbed by diarrhea. I've never been bothered by the butt poo. I was responding to Yusuf and his diarrhea exclamations.

I think every time you have diarrhea, you're just like, ah, yes, welcome back, old friend. I do feel that way sometimes because I'm like, most of the time I have to try pretty hard to push my poops right well yeah conservation is way worse because yeah the waste is in you yeah yeah well diarrhea it's just like you know it gets out of there really easy it's like easy come easy go yeah yeah and you always feel better after you take a diarrhea for real you know it's like it's like coming if if come hurt your dick a lot before you came yeah have you guys ever had non like heady diarrhea before like cold diarrhea cold brew like oh yes like non-burning yes i have well i'm gonna have it are you talking about like are you talking about the spiciness or the temperature no i know he's talking about it's when it's spicy it's when you start drinking like green smoothies and stuff again oh yeah just like slops out yeah

and you feel like yeah you only feel the release but without any of the like oh i'm gonna die oh yeah yeah it's very nice that's why i started the smoothies again yeah yeah but it also smells the worst yeah dude if you if you're like working out and like eating like eating like fiber and like greens and shit and you just take that greg fit Fitzsimmons had a bit where he's like, and it just comes out like canned peaches. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's fucking good shit. Dude, if you do core workouts, and I have no scientific basis for this, and I have no.

Get on Yahoo Answers then because you'll be a celebrity. So I walk a lot, and I do a bunch of ab stuff or whatever. And I notice that when I do more ab exercises, my shits are like the release. It feels like it's coming from the gut. It's like if your body is like a toothpaste and you're rolling it up at the end. Yeah. Because I've noticed the same thing where I'm like, am I just like working some of the shit out? It feels good.

It feels good. This is a good conversation. I enjoy this very much. Fan mail or whatever. Big dumps. Well, I like that you're acting like, oh, we have to get to these intelligent questions. But every question from our fans is always like, who would win? Can you tell us about your diary? Yeah, who would win in a cum?

Your dick or your butt? Yeah, so let's get into it. Fucking. What's your favorite refreshing summertime treat? You boys are hilarious and talented. Love y'all. Just bringing light and hope to your dark existence. Watermelon and pussy.

Watermelon and pussy should be the name of a Three 6 Mafia album. Are you saying dark existence because I'm here? No, no, no. It's just like a general Cards Against Humanity nihilist sign off. Eating pussy in the summer is a lot, though, because it's hot. Yeah, it's true. That is true, yeah. It gets musty.

You know what I mean? Was it summertime drink? I mean, just your favorite summertime treat. Oh. It might just be like an ice cream cone. It might just be like a basic-ass answer. Pussy's pretty seasonal for me. Yeah, you get them in the winter, and it's all hard. It's like squeezing it. Ah, it's not ripe yet. Also, I pretty seasonal for me. Yeah, you get them in the winter and it's all

hard. It's like squeezing it. Ah, it's not ripe yet. Also, I'm going to prison. Did someone leave a bag of pussy out on the counter? I'm waiting for them to soften up before I can put them in my... I gotta defrost this pussy. They gotta go ripe before you make pussy bread. Yeah, yeah. Now I kinda want watermelon and pussy, to be

honest. Yeah, no, you put chocolate chips in it. That's a good Ludacris album, actually. Yeah, I never got on the watermelon train. It never really did that much for me. It's all right. I don't know. I'm going to love it. I like watermelon flavored things more.

I like watermelon flavored things usually. Like the watermelon gum or like a watermelon vape juice is nice. Watermelon is the only good melon. It just tastes like rancid straw. What about honeydew, you dumb bitch? Honeydew can suck my fucking dick. Is that fucking, yeah. You'd be so lucky to have honeydew suck your fat dick, you son of a bitch. Honeydew, you dumb bitch? Honeydew can suck my fucking dick. Is that fucking, yeah, you'd be so lucky

to have Honeydew suck your fat dick, you son of a bitch. Honeydew would be grateful. Honeydew's the green one, right? What? That's the green one?

I think so. Honeydew, cantaloupe, gourds, there's a lot of fucking great. In what universe is a gourd a melon? Yeah, you're wrong.

You said the genus, you said like there's a lot of great primates, you know, a fucking octopus, you know, like a, I'm pretty sure a melon

is a kind of gourd. All right, I'm Googling this right now. I could be, I primates, you know, fucking octopus, you know. I'm pretty sure a melon is a kind of gourd. All right. I'm Googling this right now. I could be wrong. You know he's going to be right. I actually might be wrong on this one. A gourd is just big, fat, fair fruits, right? Like fair squash and shit.

A pumpkin is a gourd. Yeah, like a squash and some shit. Is potatoes gourds? Gourd. That's like a fucking idiot. Is potato gourds? Yeah. A watermelon is straight up a gourd. Yeah, it's potatoes gourds? Gourd. I sound like a fucking idiot. Is potatoes gourds? Yeah. A watermelon is straight up a gourd.

Yeah, it's straight up is a gourd. You dumbass. God damn it. No. Now Connor has to go back to his own dimension. I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm sorry.

I don't know all your fat guy fruit racism where you just break everybody down and be like, well, it's actually a cockazoid. Fruit racism or as the rest of us call it, homophobia. Yeah. If you look at the dent on the back of the pumpkin, you'll see that it's actually a caucasoid. Fruit racism, or as the rest of us call it, homophobia. If you look at the dent on the back of the pumpkin, you'll see that it's actually a member of the master race. I can't know one thing about... Well, you had my curiosity, and now you have my attention, Mr. God. God, that'd be so funny if Trump appointed a state phrenologist or something.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's a science. Yeah, yeah. All right, next one. How do I survive 100 plus degree heat without giving up and moving to northern Alaska? Watermelon and pussy. Prescription from Dr. Goss. Now, I'll tell you what I did.

I'm picturing you eating a thing of watermelon out of a pussy and then just ants. I'm picturing a straight up rap video just video, just like watermelon dripping down like a. Yeah, mine's less comical and more just kind of hot. I'm into it. I want to fuck yours. But the one I'm thinking, I'm just picturing like a Bangkok strip club party chick where a chick is like spitting seeds out of her pussy, you know, for tips. You know, I'm imagining myself in this rap video. OK, yeah, yeah.

Do you guys remember the scene in Godfather 2 when they're in Cuba and never shot? Yeah, me neither. No. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. They've never seen any movie. Yeah, yeah. Do you guys remember the scene in Godfather 2 when they're in Cuba? Never shot. Yeah, me neither, no. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. They've never seen any movie. Go ahead. Well, Fredo and Al Pacino are in Cuba, and then they- Trying to bring the ring back to-

Yeah, what are they doing? Fucking the Cuban Sauron. Did this happen after Dumbledore died? Oh, dude, Fredo and Lord of the Rings would be so good. There's just a bunch of orcs wearing Tommy Bahama shirts and fucking

like highways and like dad shorts. Michael, you can trust me with the ring. You can trust... Alright. This is the end of the Goblet. Instead of like the fishing boat

at the end of the Goblet 2, it's just the big eagle with Frodo in it. You can see Sam shoot him in the back of the head. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a scene... Well, see, it's nine minutes because if you... It doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter. Fuck it. Come on, you can see Sam shoot him in the back of the head. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a scene,

well, see, it's not even, it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter, fuck it, move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, fucking, here's what I did in my room.

I popped up in the window, this is a ghetto air conditioning trick. You get yourself a $10 Walmart fan. I've had that fan in there for literally 12 years, still kicking.

My favorite thing about it is being held up by a necktie. Yeah, yeah, so I hammered a nail up into the top of the wall, I got an old tie, and I just tied it so it blows in fresh air from the outside into my room. That's pretty genius. is being held up by a my necktie yeah yeah so i hammered a nail up into the top of the wall i got an old tie and i just tied it so it blows in fresh air from the outside into my room yeah yeah and it

looks like my fan like is like like uh fucking david carradini itself but it does uh it does keep the room so if you if you really don't have any money that's a good one uh also just like uh like uh like freezing like something and just putting it in bed with you you know i've done a good move. I've done that a few times where I just have a frozen bottle of water that I just kind of snuggle with and hope the ice, like the circulation will get to the rest of my body and you wake up kind of like sticky and gross. Hey, it's like, oh, it thawed out. Yeah.

Or fuck a rich girl. That's another good thing to do in the summertime. That is my favorite thing to do in the summer. It's like, all right, I got to find fucking A.C. A.C. Pussy. Yeah, yeah. A.C. Pussy. A.C. Pussy. That's like A.C. Slater. Yeah, I was just, all right, I got to find fucking AC pussy. Yeah, yeah. AC pussy. AC pussy.

That's like AC Slater. Yeah, I was just thinking, yeah. That's a detective who lives on Godfather, Lord of the Rings Island. All right. What else we got? Fucking what's the largest bug you would consider eating? I don't think I would eat any bug. Watermelon and pussy.

Yeah. You literally beat me to it. I know I did. I've eaten a lot of bugs what like what what i've eaten flies i've eaten cockroaches i've eaten ants in what context like a give me five bucks i'll do this yeah various times i thought it would be funny to do so uh-huh and you just sort of like cockroach is the worst oh i imagine like the crunchy yeah yeah keith i've made out with you a bunch of times. I know.

How did I not know that? Have we brought up on the podcast? I was fucking macking with some kind of fear factor challenge. You've made out with more dudes than girls I've fucked. Have we brought this up yet on this show? That is a pretty good statistic. A heterosexual man. Yeah, yeah.

Has made out with more dudes than... Heterosexual. Yeah, yeah. Because my mom listens. She doesn't listen to me marry your ass when she could listen. That's going to be my new, but I just threaten you into marriage. Oh, yeah. That'd be funny.

I'd be like, well, Connor, we're throwing away all your comic books because we found out your gay. Oh, mom. No, my parents are hip. They'd be down. Your mom is furiously tweeting, no, I don't. What were we talking about Oh yeah no yeah So I've like made out

With like four or five guys It was like a joke You know at roast battle Or whatever And then Tom was like Yeah that's more I fucked I fucked four girls

This is like We gotta get you Some more pussy I'm not Whatever I mean let's start With the watermelon Work our way up

Yeah We don't buy you watermelon We don't have pussy budget Yeah You can't slide an EBT card down the pussy, dude. There's cash out. Dude, I keep tricking the liquor store next door to the house into selling me cigarettes

on the food stamp card. Oh, really? And I feel like a fucking, like, I'm on some Ocean's Eleven shit. Oh, dude, yeah. This is the new bit we do on the show is confess fraud. I mean, allegedly. Wink. It's satire. Yeah, yeah. My fucking Ocean's Eleven is way lamer i uh i go to the south the photo the the fountain soda in the gas station right fill it up chug it suck it down and

then fill it up again yeah that's what that's you're right as a i don't know what the rules are on that so sad oh yeah i mean i've straight up put lemonade in a chipotle club cup in front of a chipotle employee just be be like, do you really? I don't give a fuck. I can't do that. Like, what are you going to do? Oh, yeah, yeah. Literally, what are they going to do?

Yeah, yeah. If they, like, get angry, they just do it again. Yeah, yeah. You literally can't do anything. Yeah, yeah. I'm so excited. I have a to-be-disclosed writing job. And when I got it, I was like, oh, that's cool. And then I was like, I can get unemployment.

That has been my ultimate dream. Because you meet all these comedians who's like, yeah, I wrote for, and it'll be like, I wrote for Becker and I'm still on unemployment. It's been out there every 12 years. And it's just like, yeah, man, you seem like you're doing well. He's like, fuck yeah, I've been on unemployment for nine years after. God, that is the dream, just being on unemployment.

Do you remember that show Stacked with Pamela Anderson? Yeah, I was a co-creator on that and then i've just been getting 450 a week since then what if tits in a library yeah the government sends me checks i feel like the dream job is to be a foreign comedian that gets a netflix deal have you guys seen this oh yeah those are rolling you're fucking watching you're just going to like the stand-up on Netflix and it's like Chowaski Sharamba and I'm like what the fuck is this

and he's like you guys know I'm not gonna do it but yeah it's never great you just gotta start mentioning that you're from the Caribbean more

be like and just walk up and be like well Yusef why are you just holding loose bundles of sugar cane oh nothing

just you know I don't know hot hot hot if you could Frankenstein one body sugar cane. Oh, nothing, just, you know. I'm feeling hot, hot, hot. If you could Frankenstein one body part. My special is cool streamings. Cool streamings. Cool punnings.

There it is. If you could Frankenstein one body part from any person in history onto slash into your body, what body part would it be and who would it be from? Hitler's dick on my face. It just looked like you had a zit hey yeah exactly take that hitler that'll show you

one body part from now one body part from somebody onto me oh i would want to be like i'd want to be like jacks but just with like like buster douglas's arm or something you know just that one big ass black arm dude what if i had just Shaq's middle finger? Just one finger. Just walking around with like fingers and stuff. Just like one fucking... I'm just picturing you walking up the street just fingering women you don't know

while the Harlem Globetrotters song plays. No, spinning them all over the place. Just doing like a fun house mirror at the Kembe, which is like, Jesus Christ, did that guy have some kind of surgery? Which Mean Boys guest would Keith's mom be most likely to date and become his new daddy? Why are we pretending it's not Keith Ray?

Yeah, I was about to say, it's definitely Keith Ray. Also, Tom never answered the question about the body part. Oh, what was the question? Oh, if you could Frankenstein one body part on yourself from anyone in history. Oh, man. I turned through to you thinking you gave me a look like I had a bit. Oh, no. I was just thinking of other stuff.

I'll take Abraham Lincoln's eyebrows. Cool. Protect you from flies. So, Alan Diggs, right? Flies in your eyes. Does yousef know your podcast theme has the n-word in it i didn't listen to it and i was one like i had i had the same confusion here because i was like is he saying niggas mean i was like oh yeah it's not it's jamar neighbors and here's the best part about it is jamar neighbors doesn't know that he's in our podcast i think i brought it up to him once and he was like, oh, yeah, that's cool. I'm aggressively not listening.

Yeah, I could not give less of a shit. So, yeah, I'll pull up a snippet here and I'll play it a little bit. I thought about that. I was like, is that a bad move to do? Because we just kind of did it like two years ago and didn't really think about it. Okay, because it sounds like I could be like them guys are mean them guys are mean yeah i wasn't i wasn't sure what it was that's what i thought it was but then i was like nah it's just the n-word yeah i'm sure some kind of article will come out we'll be like we've

removed the n-word from our theme song yeah i don't know i mean they might be like well yeah you think it's okay to do is that yes would anybody be mad it's like i don't know is that article came out about it oh no no like like i don't know are we doing anything wrong yeah yeah like is are we gonna get in trouble for that no i don't think so yeah digital blackface whatever digital blackface is that group uh hump the hump was it that's the new drake single huh it's uh one of rZA's alter egos oh yeah Bobby Digital yeah where everyone's just like shut the

fuck up RZA you still you're just RZA dude get out of here he's like no Bobby Digital I've read his book and he's like I was doing a lot of

PCP so I decided he's like I was smoking a lot of Digi which is weedless with PCP so I decided to start calling myself Bobby Digital whose

persona is he's just raps about the same shit you do is that his persona he just talks about numbers and then selling drugs a long time ago uh all right guys let's dive into some voicemails here hey there mean boys uh calling in with a question for you uh by the way great job with the porn roast that shit was hilarious thank you um sorry if i seem a bit nervous. I am.

I am currently waiting outside of my clinic to build up the nerve to register for my appointment. Okay, so what do we think he's registering for? First of all, I love that he's got the SCD tag. He's got the SCD tag. He's about to ask us to prom. So how many retweets for Tom to take me to Sadie Hawkins? Registering for an appointment at a clinic. Yeah, it's got to be. It's? Registering for an appointment at a clinic.

Yeah, it's got to be. It's got to be an STD thing. Today, for seven years now, I've had this lump. Seven years. Wait, what? Oh, yeah. So I said for seven years now. For seven years, I've dealt with. Seven years now, I've had this lump on one of my balls.

And ironically, I've only. You, you're supposed to have to write Just recently worked up the nuts to actually get it checked out raising The real kicker is I'm currently uninsured and the cheapest place because it's done out of pocket is the clinic in which i am employed at oh my god hell yeah oh this rule oh man that's so funny that rules so we can't even just be like hey doctor what's wrong my balls like hey julia yeah my co-worker it's like it's like uh hi welcome to out of the closet oh daryl you're not supposed to work today oh i'm just doing a little shopping and uh could you again and see if i got the age can you look at my rotten gooch and also tell me who took my banana out of the fridge he's about to get me too to save his life yeah i mean he's that's so he's making

an appointment he's just walking in there somebody look at my goddamn ball harry wants to make appointments too that doesn't mean yeah if you if you want to be creepy like at work it's And he's just walking in there, just, somebody look at my goddamn ball. Harry Weinstein made appointments, too. That doesn't mean shit. If you want to be creepy at work, it's like if you could work at just a dick clinic and like, yeah, the girl has to look at your dick. It's her job. I am super worried. This is your seventh checkup today.

Oh, man, dude. This is, I'm on the edge of my seat. Good, sir. Nice ladies from X-Ray are going to have a close encounter with me in a few minutes. Yo! Don't call them nice ladies. This voicemail just became evidence when you get sued after this. Yeah, yeah, a couple of gals from town in radiology.

A close encounter of the nut guy. Yeah, your dick's not flying over a cornfield, you fuck. So if you're wondering why the Patreon dropped off a little bit, it's because I might be saving up for things. That's going to be enough to get your dick cancer fixed, is the $10 a month you were giving us. He also said that like he was about to have a kid. Look, here's the thing. I might have a little something in the future.

And if you end up with not cancer, life is short. Just give us more. You can't take it away from you. Yeah, I mean, we might send you some stickers. Yeah, you and your elephantine testicles. God, I hope this guy doesn't end up having cancer. Yeah, me too. Yeah, let's listen to him.

Or whatever. So I guess I'll get to the question of the evening. Oh, that wasn't the question. What is your perfect Sunday afternoon? Good voicemail bit. What is our perfect Sunday afternoon? Finding out I don't have dick cancer, I think. Yeah, exactly.

Having lump-free balls. Watermelon and pussy. If you're listening, for sure let us know how that panned out, man. Yeah. I mean, I'll retweet the GoFundMe. I don't know how much it'll do for you, but we'll give give you a shout out oh ten dollars is making a dent yeah yeah you know i mean yeah we got small balls yeah we could do a fundraiser show you know i mean if we're gonna do a fundraiser show i don't want it to be for like kids getting deported i want it to be for some guy in pittsburgh

nuts yeah for jeff that's the only fucking ball aid it's like either we deport oh i came off again i think it doesn't matter oh yeah no oh are you back there yeah okay uh yeah there's only i see i thought you meant like you were on the side of them getting deported like you're paying the money for jeff said oh that's that's what the patreon goes to did you not know that when you came in here that's the 25 dollars here as we personally we give you a little photo of the person that you removed from the country. Oh, God. Like when you sponsor a kid and they give you a little baseball card of an African child. Dude, my dad did that when I was like 11.

And then he sold it to me like, yeah, this is your brother, like, you know, Gumbubu or whatever. And then like... I like how you racially African a fake name for it. I also... When you said you sold it to me, I thought you meant like, oh it's like how you racially african a fake name for it i also but you sold it to me i thought you meant like oh you like flipped this kid on yeah and he's like he i buy him for ten dollars a week i give it to you give this to you instead of like a birthday present no i think it's because i always wanted a brother and so it's oh okay yeah well this is your brother and then he's like yeah so you know we send him shit a month and he writes to us, and we write back.

Never heard about that kid again. That was the one and only time I ever heard about him. He was just over there like, suckers. Gabubu's dead, man. Yeah, Gabubu, if you're listening. And you're the guy with the ungrateful stepbrother in America. Please, the 304-805-MEAN. Why don't you download iTunes and start a coconut radio?

You can Gilligan's island yourself a fucking computer and you want to put malware on your the palm fronds or whatever hey what's up guys super fan of the show all hail the fudge lord that's not what we told you to call yusef by his name that's a character on the show. It would be cool if we could get a shout-out for our podcast, White Trash Podcast. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Take it easy, guys. Well, with broadcasting precision like that. Yeah. That was cool. Here's the problem. I'm sure you guys are cool because most of our fans are cool. I can't say, go listen to the White Trash Podcast because I feel like it's going to go real bad real quick. It's going to end bad for us.

And I don't care enough to listen to 30 seconds of one of your episodes to find out. Yeah, yeah. I'm being totally honest. If someone wants to listen to it and tell me whether or not it's good. Yeah, go listen to the White Trash Podcast, but we are not co-signing it. I want to know from you guys if it's any good.

Yeah, because these... And if it's good, we'll support it. If it's bad, we will shit on these guys next mercilessly. I just can't imagine how they got that name, like, if it just started. Because that seems like... That seems like that'd be Foxworthy's first move or something. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of fun.

Like, they sent me a bunch of emails where they're like, could you please check it out? And they're like, we're like the hot podcast in, like, Kansas City or something. And I was, like, going and looking at it. I was like, it seems like you just started this. You don't have to lie to me if you want me to give you a shout out. So we're giving you a very reluctant.

We're giving you a shout at. We're giving you a shout out. Yeah. Acknowledge you. Stop emailing us. Good luck. All right. That's all the business for this week, guys.

Oh, all right. Cool. Huzzah. Buddy, thank you for coming week, guys. Oh, all right. Cool. Huzzah! Buddy, thank you for coming in, man. We're going to get involved. Yeah, you too. Fucking thanks for having me. Yeah, follow him on Twitter at Yousef Roach, one of my favorite people on Twitter.

You listen to the Death is Eminent podcast. Please do. You got anything you want to plug? Anything else you're working on? When's this coming out? I don't know. I don't know why I asked that. I have nothing happening.

Oh, okay. Just follow me on the internet. Yeah, yeah. Just check him out. He's good. Yeah. Guys, anything we want that. I have nothing happening. Oh, okay. Just follow me on the internet. Yeah, yeah. Just check him out. He's good. Yeah. Guys, anything we want to plug? Get on the tour sheet, you know?

Yeah, tour sheet. Coming to Pacific Northwest soon. Some dates will be announced in the coming soads. Yeah. If you are in Phoenix, Arizona, I will be headlining at Comedy off Main Street July 14th and 15th. Nice. That'll be fun, Tom.

Is this out tomorrow? No. It'll be out either Thursday or next Tuesday. Okay. It might be outth. Nice. That'll be fun, Tom. Is that tomorrow? No. It'll be out like either Thursday or next Tuesday. Okay. It might be out tomorrow. Fuck. Well, I left my phone in the other room. But, yeah, go to my Facebook.

I have shows coming up. Cool. Fuck everything. God is dead. In order to feel triumphant over sounds. Should I take that again? Sure. Yeah, it definitely matters.