Mean Boys - EP 136 - Nyquil Fernando (feat. Carmen Morales)

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Carmen's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/no-sir-i-dont-like-it/id1220217369?mt=2 Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Carmen Morales on Twitter: twitter.com/thefunnycarmen Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. We're back with a new episode with one of our favorite people, Carmen Morales. Join us in the studio. This is a super fun one. Woo! Yeah, Carmen's great. Listen to her podcast, No Sorry I Don't Like It. Link for that is in the show notes. Also linked in the show notes is our tour survey. So yeah, fill out the survey over there. Already going to the Dice Voice as a crutch. We tapped out early on this one.

Yeah, and let us know where you want us to come. You just entered the closest major market. You're willing to come see a live Mean Boys ad. How many friends you have. One night we can sleep on your couch. And we'll start planning out the next tour. We got some dates that we're going to be announcing soon. But you can just go ahead and just say that second week of August,

if you're in Portland or Seattle that weekend, we're going to be in your hood. So go ahead and fucking pencil those in. Details will be forthcoming. And leave us a review on iTunes. We're only 92 reviews away from doing an interview with Keith's mother. And she understands what a podcast is even less than she did before. Yeah. I tried to bring it up.

She's like, I don't know. Is it the radio? I'm like, no. But she's like, well, it's the radio. I'm like, okay, sure. Yeah, no. But she's like, well, it's the radio. I'm like, okay, sure. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we got to go fucking drive to Fresno and sit on a couch that I got to figure has a plastic cover over it. I can't imagine she has a couch.

Yeah, we're going to go sit on a milk crate with a bunch of shit that Keith thought he lost years ago. Oh, all my childhood memories. Those are a chair now. Oh, you mean my retirement funds? So, yeah, this person writes, these boys are mean and Tom is kind of dumb. Rude. Five stars.

I forgot I already reviewed this, so I'll add that it's the number one podcast for people who will die alone. Donate to the Patreon. We appreciate it. That's everybody. So inclusive. You didn't exactly bring anything super original to the table,

but you did plug the Patreon. Yeah, so you did it and not us. We're not horrible salesmen. And now that it's come up organically, wow, going $5 a month for weekly bonus content. What a tremendous deal that is. And that's going to be coming out on Thursdays now. It's going to have a set date instead of all at the end of the month. Yeah, we're sorry.

Yeah. Oops. We did it. It was just, you know, late. Like, oh, yeah, I forgot. I went to the field, but your football game was two weeks ago. Also, I need 50 bucks. Yeah, $10 a month gets you a cool little piece of swag.

We send out something new every month. We're sending out window decals for your car with me and Tom peeing on Connor and the Calvin Peas on Things He Doesn't Care For style. Yep. Yes. Bill Watterson is rolling in his, he's still alive. He's rolling in his house. He's rolling in his foyer. He's rolling in his he's still alive he's rolling in his house he's rolling in his foyer he's rolling in his millions of dollars yeah rolling in his oil paints in rage

as he draws the woods because i guess he's too cool to be a cartoon guy now um oh man i subscribed to our youtube channel uh yeah we had the studio is being renovated we got new chairs and uh you know i'm basically gonna do everything until i actually have to figure out how these cameras work uh so once once we finally get like a hole drilled and shit like that we'll have those and uh yeah subscribe anyway it makes us look uh legit and follow us on all the fucking dumbass social media twitter insta facebook um you know go enjoy our mean boys subreddit and get red-pilled. Yeah. And enjoy planning domestic events with your fellow listeners. The first bit of weird racial tension on the subreddit just came from people arguing about Yusuf Roach's mayonnaise theory.

Oh, yeah. Somebody was like, mayonnaise is not a black person's food. I will have you know. It got very like, well, I have to take umbrage with some of the remarks made. Yeah, and I promise, if you listen to this show, you don't need to have a vocal opinion about any racial issue ever. Craft foods will not replace us. Yeah, that's true. I guess if you

listen to the show, you definitely have opinions about mayonnaise. So, yeah. Just eat mayo, you guys. It should be cool. It's for all races. Yeah. But mostly the white man. It all comes out brown, you know? Yeah, we all take dumps, dude. All right, fuck everything. Everyone poops.

There's this week's episode. Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. All of your sanity is rent to own. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Me in a wig.

Oh man, I just looked at you guys both at the same time for a second and man, you guys look straight up related. Like one night we were walking together, we were doing a show in San Luis Obispo and we were walking together and I realized we just looked like a weird swarthy Latino Hansel and Gretel. It's like when you see those articles like scientists had two fraternal twins and one of them just didn't take care of themselves. Here they are today.

If we fucked it would be like the ultimate case of narcissism. Oh yeah, basically. I'm beautiful. I'm fucking me. Oh, man. Carmen Morales joins us in the studio. How you doing, Carmen?

Hi, guys. I host of the No Sir, I Don't Like It podcast. That's right. Yeah, tell us about it a little bit. Oh, it's me and another comedian. His name's Brian Vokey. I was about to say, are you not going to name Brian Vokey?

It's me and another comedian. Me and some guy. Me and some guy. Me and some guy. Me and this asshole. He is an asshole, but he's a delight, a delightful asshole. We have comics on and we just talk about things we don't like. I'm actually pretty excited because we're going to have an episode coming up where we have a hearse driver who's been driving a hearse for like 25 years.

That rule. And he's got a bunch of dead body stories. We got the same thing, but it's a guy named Shortbuzz Murphy who calls in and tells us weird special needs news. No way. Yeah, yeah. He's like, well, if you thought they couldn't create enough pressure to fill up a water

balloon with piss, boy, are you misunderstanding the ingenuity of the chromosome fucked up community. Bondage and low intelligence. You're going to really enjoy this voicemail. I like to think we're all bonded by our low intelligence. That could just be me. Absolutely. Brian really does look like every dude that's asked you to use your phone

for five minutes next to a public bench. Can I use your phone? Yeah. Can I just use your phone? No, I gotta call my uncle to pick me up. Yeah, yeah. I gotta do some kind of weird scam where I text a number and donate a bunch of money to what's supposed to be the Red Cross, but it's really my drug deal. He's always at a train station on a bike you're

pretty sure he stole. That's way too small for him. It's pink and shit. We saw one of those guys in the taco truck. I love the felon riding the fucking stolen ass Toys R Us bike. That guy is a hustler. Yeah, it's just this cholo king on something with training wheels. It's just got one streamer coming out of the handlebars.

He's probably the other one to choke a fucking Latin king. Brian one time was hosting a room and he's bringing me up and I said very early and I said like, I'm 25 and I hear Brian go,

you're 25? How old is Brian? Because he looks like he should be like 34. He's 33. Oh, okay. He nailed it. He looks 27 but also dead for a while.

27, but he had a real fun stint with opioids. Was it real fun? Was it a good one? Did he get out of it? He made it out. He's not dead. He made it out. Yeah, well, I mean, fortunately, unfortunately, up to the listener of No Sir, I Don't Like

It. What is the cover artist? Are you guys just velociraptors? Why velociraptors? I used to bang a graphic designer. It's just what he came up with. I really thought you were going to say, I used to bang a velociraptor. Yeah.

I mean, kind of. If you saw the guy that was a graphic designer. This is like pity work, so I can't really ask you to go through a second draft. I was just appreciative because it was free, really. I ended up doing a lot. I just appreciate it because it was free, really. I ended up doing a lot of graphic design for people I fucked. And it's like, look, am I going to get you that money I owe you? No. Will I do a flyer?

For sure. Yeah, yeah. Put it on my tab. By the way, thanks for designing. No, sir, I don't like it. Oh, yeah, no problem. I mean, it was the closest I could get to finally taking my relationship with Keith to the national conclusion.

If you fucked Carmen and not me, I'd be so hurt. I'd be like, come on, we're like eight degrees away, dude. What the hell? I'll start talking like the world's youngest Italian grandmother. What the fuck, Connor? Why don't you fuck me? I've never had a human friend describe as a spicy meatball. That's good.

Just getting friendzoned by the old fucking Wap Crone. Everyone talks about the Jim Crow laws. Not the Wap Crone laws. My trans Wario. With the marinara tariffs that oppressed a beautiful community in the New York suburbs of the 1970s. Holy shit. I'm sorry, babe. I just got a headache tonight.

I'm not really feeling it. What's the matter? I can't believe it. I got my pussy wet and everything. Babe, please don't get the rolling pin. But it's the only way you come. I have to get it. It's the only way I do it.

I just want to go to bed. I got to be up at 6 a.m. I'll put you to bed if you don't fuck me. When the poon hits your eye, it's going to be pink for a while. You fucked Carmen. Carmen Morales, such classic Italian name. I don't know what instrument Tom thinks he was doing. I was making noise with my mouth.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm so glad Tom's here. I was just like, is there a trumpet in that song or is he doing the strings yeah they do okay that sounded like a flute if it was retarded being hurt i feel like you described tom in a lot of ways with the if it was retarded at the end if there's an ambitious listener out there i want you to do a, now that's what I call Tom is remembering a different song and humming it poorly. Like every time a piece of music comes off, like, oh yeah, like, hey, by the Pixies. Yo, what's up, lady?

You know, it's always just like a little bit off. One of the greatest things that ever happened, sneaky plug for the Patreon. We did a bonus episode where Tom railed furiously about Bruce Springsteen for about 12 minutes and then realized he thought it was Jimmy Buffett. Oh, man. That's a real big difference. I will say, though, a lot of... Are there entrees on the edge of town?

No, Bruce Springsteen does have... He did have, when I actually listened, it was like, oh, he's half good music and half fucking garbage. Right, but the point is... And you intentionally played the music I'd like. Well, yeah, we played half good music and half fucking garbage. Right. But the point is. And you intentionally played the music I'd like. Well, yeah, we played. And I did think it was Jimmy Bob's. Well, we played his most iconic words.

Well, of course you stepped on a pop top. You live in New Jersey. Yeah, we went Born to Run. It's not like we went deep cuts. And I was just watching the tumblers fall into place in his brain of like, oh, I was wrong and I'm going to have to cop to it. But I don't know how yet. Yeah, that was pretty good.

I wanted to bring this up before we forget. Do you have that message from the guy at the Denver show? The which one? Oh, the guy with his wife? Oh, yeah, I was going to do it in the mailbag. Oh, yeah. No, I just wanted to, just before we get started. Yeah, so we had a guy come to our show in Denver.

And he's sitting in the front and he's with a woman, presumably his wife. We found out later it was. And he's like older-ish people for our audience. Yeah, older for our audience. Our crowd is... Our crowd dies by 32. Yeah, 18 to 32.

You hope, because you want him to die before you, right? I'm too edgy to be the same age as Jesus. I gotta get out of here. And the whole show, this guy is clearly enjoying himself and his wife is very much not Oh yeah, she's just bummed the fuck out She's just taking one for the team, huh? So, yeah, so

And she's just like, I don't trust you to go into town by yourself, Kenneth Yeah, the show ends, we meet them afterwards And, you know, he's very, very cool She's nice, but you can tell she's over it Cordial is the word, I think Oh, this gentleman's name is David Allen Cole Oh, I don't know if we can put his name Out there I don't know if he'd care

Oh yeah That's a famous singer What are you talking about David Allen Coe Cole Oh David Allen Coe Has did a lot of Like racist songs

Yeah Because like my ex Would play them for me And I'd be like Man this is like a jam And then she'd be like Oh yeah wait till you hear About his fucking secret albums

And it's just Every worst thing But this is the message She sent us after the show Great show tonight My wife didn't know What I was getting her into But I will eat her ass Later tonight to make up It is just the every worst thing. This is the message she sent us after the show. Great show tonight. My wife didn't know what I was getting her into, but I will eat her ass later tonight to make up for it. Oh, what a sweetheart.

So I would like some sort of follow up to find out if she actually got her ass eaten. Yeah, because I look like having met her briefly and seen her. I was like, that doesn't seem like it'd be her thing. You know, I'd be like, first you take me to this weird show and now you're eating my ass. What the fuck? She'd get a knife loss from this guy. Yeah weird show, and now you're eating my ass? What the fuck? She can't get a knife off from this guy. Yeah, it's me, your wife, a cartoon rat. Carmen, I feel like you need to just skip to like, just be 60 right now.

Because you'd be a great, like the Phyllis Diller role of just like potty mouthed old... I used to do a character back when I worked in the corporate setting. A character. I did. Where I dressed up like an old lady and broke all the HR laws. I would go around pinching people's asses and stuff.

I would fucking hit on the hit on the hit on the boss and shit. You really put like the mobster like fucking harass like the fucking asses.

Yeah, pinch your little asses. You know, it's nice. You remember that scene in Goodfellas when all the wives are hanging out?

Yeah. Like you're like if all of them just fell into that machine from the fly. Yeah. You You know, it's nice. You remember that scene in Goodfellas when all the wives are hanging out? Yeah. Like, you're like if all of them just fell into that machine from the fly. Yeah. You can't do it, lady. Well, this was fun. I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical.

That sounded bad. That was pretty loud. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Ay, so topical. That sounded worse. Oh, I thought that one sounded a little better. I don't know. We're all working on new headphones that we are realizing as we record Suck, so we'll

see if that works. The Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Yeah, it actually sounded pretty good. There we go. There we did it. All right. Well, that was worth doing three times.

I'll kick it off this week. Hey, this is how new things get added to the show poorly, and then we just get used to how much they suck. Guys, this is how new things get added to the show poorly and then we just get used to how much they suck. Guys, it was so topical. Permits have been approved for a march on Washington called the White Civil Rights Rally. The slogan for this march is

we're asking America to speak to the manager. That kind of is what it is. I think it's Richard Spencer. Is it Richard Spencer? I got a bunch of people tweeting me like they're getting the band

back together. We had a long thing where we were competing with Richard Spencer's Patreon to see who was making more money. And we kind of beat the shit out of him. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's just pretty funny because it's like, I don't know. No one talks about me on CNN, dude.

Get your shit together, dude. I'd make my living eight feet away from a dirty toilet. Hey, Tom's nice. I'm two feet away. You smell like a dirty toilet, dude. Hey, guys, let's be civil. We have a guest here. You smell like a dirty toilet, dude. Hey, guys. Let's be civil. We have a guest here.

All right? We don't fight. Don't fucking be a little bitch because I'm here. Well, you've built up some bomb karma, didn't you, Joke? Oh. Body of a woman killed by an alligator

found in Florida, in a Florida lake, or as the locals called it, just another fucking Wednesday, man. Yeah, man. Florida is weird. They're just used to man. Yeah, man. Florida is weird. They're just used to it. Yeah.

What a hot take. You're from Florida, right? Yeah. What part of Florida are you from? Orlando. Oh, so you're not even from like fun fat asses in Rick Ross, Florida. You're from swamp death Florida. I want to go there when we go to Florida.

They come to visit Orlando. Oh, do you know how bummed I was when I looked at the Florida sheet? I'm like, oh, we have no listeners in Miami, but we got Tampa like a motherfucker. I know. It's just all, it's all like, we all, all our people are in the town next to the good town. It's like, look, Detroit. No, that's even too nice.

Ham Tramic is where you go. Yeah. Are we going to the beach or like to do something fun? No, we're gonna go to Busch Gardens and then get killed with a screwdriver. That's what we're gonna do in fucking Florida. Yeah. Yeah. They also got the strip club where it's completely naked.

Mods, Mods and Venus or something like that? I mean, they have those here. Isn't that most strip clubs? No. Most of them are covered up. They don't have no strip clubs here. So here's the strip club rules. And my mom used to be a stripper, so I know the ins and outs of this.

Oh, okay. All right. So the... Allow him to justifiably mansplain your own body's fucking laws to you. Yeah, exactly. My own exploitation. I appreciate it. When was the last time you went to a strip club?

Whoa, whoa. Now you're slut shaming on our podcast. This is an inclusive space, Carmen, where we celebrate diversity. Get woke, you fucking thumb beef. I don't know. I've never called someone a beef booze. Get woke, you dumb beef.

Well, that's merch. But no, if they don't sell booze, you can be fully nude. Because some of them are like, well, if you're just drinking Diet Coke, you're not going to molest anybody. Right. You don't know how much I love Diet Coke. I don't see the logic in that, but it's terrible.

You have no idea how hopped up I get on aspartame and 30 milligrams of caffeine. Diet Coke is, I think, the number one beverage of sociopaths. I love Diet Coke. Oh, no. I like it, too, but it's just like empty. It doesn't mean he's wrong. Everything is checked out so far the people that that are like all about diet coke are but by a wide margin i think just kind of like dead-eyed and manipulative yeah and it's just like just have a

coffee you know but you just you gotta have your little cold diet cokie treat that doesn't taste that good but it tastes good enough yeah it's like you don't deserve coke yeah exactly all right tom you're up i don't deserve deserve Coke. Okay, over $10 million have been raised to reunite immigrant children with their families. Wow, that's almost enough money to build a wall. An Indian boy was born with a second nose. People around the world are praying for him, saying

imagine having to smell India twice. Oh, I saw it coming down the pipeline and it made me so happy. It's really the worst place to have two noses. God damn, that is the worst episode of The Twilight Zone. Yeah, it's like being a woman in Chad with two vaginas. Just like, oh, jeez. Not again and again and again and again. Or a woman near a man named Chad with two vaginas.

Isn't that the place where they're like, well, if you rape a virgin with AIDS, if you have AIDS and you rape a virgin, then you're cured? I think that's more Central Africa. I think if we all speculate about it, it ends great for us. Let's just keep talking ignorantly about it. That always works best. I just picked the country in Africa I could think of first that didn't sound like a slur. I got to get this as far away from black people as possible.

A drive-by shooting in Sweden left six wounded and three dead. Police say the attacker got his weapon from Sweden's biggest gun manufacturer, I kill ya. I kill ya over there. Dude, Ikea's dope. What about Dykea? Oh, Dykea is way better than mine in retrospect.

Dykea sounds like where they sell, like, build your own lesbian kits. It took him six months to assemble the weapon itself. Yeah, I got the florg and the flannel. They sell meatballs, but they have nipples on them, I guess. A traditional lesbian treat. That would be kind of fun to just put a pepperoni on one side and then a toothpick through it so it makes a little nipple. Yeah, look at this meatball

tit. Yeah, yeah. We'll have those at our next live event. Oh, man. I would love to, because Eminem, when he does music festivals, he has his little mom's spaghetti cart. I would love to get to a point where Mean Boys is a large enough touring operation that we have just a fucking truck full of gag menu items. First of all, I love that, and we can do it.

Second of all, is that a real thing? Yeah, yeah. That's retarded. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it just costs like $10 for a little bit of spaghetti. Dude, that sucks so bad. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, he's the fucking...

What a lame-ass thing. He's the bad boy of rap music, dude. God damn it. He's just lost it. Yeah, I know. I mean, we lost another one. He used to be a warrior for our people. The great white hope has fallen.

Yeah. Instagram launches long-form video to lure YouTube generation because that's what we all want. Feature-length makeup tutorials and ass models' thoughts. That one had a a very old school Johnny Carson feel. Yeah, I say it on my tippy toes. I'm rocking back and forth.

Ass Models Thoughts. We're right back with Jack Hanna. What we want is a soliloquy from some kind of booty girl. Yeah, we're right back with Jack Hanna. Musical guest. The four tops are here, everybody. I just had this idea of somebody giving a TED Talk

about how to break into the ass model game. Just a booty symposium. That would be cool. I'm sure that probably exists. I mean, they got the pole dancing classes. I'm certain they got the ass clapping classes. They got the pole dancing classes, the ass clapping classes. They got the pole dancing classes,

the ass clapping classes. What's next? The shit on your father's grave 101. Oh. Hey, you know what, man? I graduated from Ass Clap Academy. Speaking of Instagram. Fucking ITT twerk. Nonsense.

I got invited by, I haven't told you guys, this previous guest of the show, Nicole Buchanan, to go to a Playboy throne nude art party with a bunch of Instagram models. So I'm going to go, and I'm going to try and get kicked out, and I will videotape that and send it to the Mean Boys.

Keith's going to try to get kicked out with garden variety tomfoolery, we should say. Well, look, I'll figure something out. Not with grab and dashery. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. See, I thought you were downplaying the validity of my tomfoolery. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. See, I thought you were downplaying the validity of my talk. No, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. No, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to molest anybody. Like, what a fun prank. I fingered a lady. Like, no, that's not a great one. Get it?

I'm funny. Wah, wah, wah. Wow. Did you see, like, the Smosh guys got me, too? They're like, yeah. I mean, 2008 was a different time. We just kind of wanted to do Pokemon parodies in our room and then we thought, you know.

Just to grab a lady's tit, she just starts screaming and crying quietly and then the Jamie Kennedy just acts and comes up on the screen. Hashtag Mewtwo. Oh, we've been down this road. Oh, we've done that one, yeah.

Have you guys seen the Feed the Horse Challenge on Instagram? It's hilarious. Warp, warp, warp. Disney is trying to buy Fox for over $70 billion. Wow, that's enough money to build several walls with.

Here's what I love about that is you didn't even get the structure of that callback, right? Yeah, I did. All right. A pig was rescued in Orange County, California after being locked in a hot car. The offending owner told rescue officials, Yeah, sorry, Keith. I was just going in for cigarettes, but I got into

a 45-minute argument about hockey with a guy that didn't speak English. My bad. Suck all of my dick. I got both of you. Oh!

Hey, double up. Gatorade has launched a new sugar-free version, so get ready for Gatorade's newest flavor, fucking water. Oh, man, dude, fucking, I don't know. I'll give it a shot because the show is brought to you as always for Gatorade's newest flavor, fucking water. Oh man, dude, fucking

I don't know. I'll give it a shot because the show is brought to you as always by Gatorade. In the summertime, fucking nothing just puts a little spring back into your step like a goddamn Gatorade. It's so good. I got a Gatorade earlier. It's just salt water. What? That's all it is, is salt water. Sugar?

It's salt water and sugar. It's got a lot of salt in it. Maybe that's why mermaids are so good at basketball. Sugar? It's salt water and sugar. It's got a lot of salt in it. I don't know. It was made in Gainesville. Maybe that's why mermaids are so good at basketball. What? They made it at UF, actually probably where you get a lot of listeners, in Gainesville, Florida.

Well, yeah, our listeners are jacked as hell, dude. Yeah, I had to move. Once you get under 3% BMI, you got to fucking go to Gainesville and really take it to the next level. Well, they made the drink for two-a-days, the fucking football people, because they're obsessed with football.

So it was to keep the football players, get back on the field, you pussy. Two-a-days sounds like a tribe of people that were removed from Gainesville before it was the proud two-a-days. Oh, the two-a-days were pushed back into the sea to make way for the white man's trailer.

A lot of people don't know the real truth about Atlantis, but here on Maine Boys, we revealed Native Americans that we threw off a boat so we could make Gainesville. That's where dolphins came from. Yeah, a lot of people don't know. Headdresses, fins, I mean, the math doesn't tell folks it's even the miami dolphins look it up this is my favorite conspiracy theory look it up dude just look it up that's where dolphins

oh yeah that's probably what uh you want to go get some miami dolphin tonight hey fucking i don't like hair on my pussy. I'm secretly gay. He kind of turned into a vampire on that one. I have secrets, blah. I'm Andrew Blood Clay. Don't worry about why I was in the park so late, blah.

No, we're going to keep going with this. This is money right here. This is one of the best riffs we've ever done. I know Tom was pretty upset about it and I think I know

how we fix it. Hello, Tom. I was about to say, at least it's not Bane. Bane? Yeah, from Dark Knight Rises. Not a good one, but I guess does anybody know?

They don't have a good one either. It's never stopped. They're great ones. I don't remember asking a fucking opinion, Tom. Oh, Tom, you think the darkness is your ally. You're a stupid bitch.

You don't have any friends. Not even the absence of life is fun for you. I am pulling the Bane rip. Carmen, you're up. Rapper Akon is releasing a cryptocurrency called Acoin. It's not accepted in a bank, and it's only valued at 50 cent. It's very subtle, and I enjoy it. That's a real thing.

He's like, yeah, I'm going to try and start my own Wakanda. I'm like, oh, you're about to run out of money and die alone. Yeah, Carmen raided her Bill Maher packet from 1998. They all sound like that. It won't be accepted at a bank. A bank. All right, guys. Bob Dole is here tonight.

An angry passenger called a flight attendant a stupid fucking bitch over a sandwich. Connor McSpadden said he had a really rough day. I had sex for a while and left my graham crackers in the terminal. Also, Keith Carey is fat still. Yeah, guys. That was a little cranky. I only got a bunch of puss. Here's the thing. If Connor is not eaten within the last 18 minutes, he will just call you the N-word. Yeah, guys, I was a little cranky. I only got a bunch of puss.

If Connor has not eaten within the last 18 minutes, he will just call you the N-word. The meanest person. Are you a hangry guy? I'm a hangry guy, yeah. Which is like, it's an embarrassing thing to even admit. It's just like, well, yeah, I get irritable when I don't have treats. But you're like, your drop-off point for hangry is so hilariously retarded. Like, you're just like a yoga pants white girl.

Oh, yeah. In terms of just how little you can eat. I'm fucking hungry. Do you walk around saying that? No, you'll just see the light will leave my eyes, and I'll start being very short. Keith will be like, what's up, buddy? You want to go play Frisbee in the park and sing songs? I'm like, eh.

I just get very dismissive. Well, I've angered him by trying to be a kind friend. Yeah, nothing angers me more than kindness when I'm hungry. I guess I will go quietly smoke on your patio and wonder what I did wrong. I'm going to get Chloe Dykstra'd by Keith someday. I'm keeping a dossier. He went from mildly successful podcaster to doesn't have a podcast anymore. He would frequently grunt at me every time

I tried to get him to go set up the studio after he'd already pushed the show to be later than it was supposed to start. It's that dick who used to be on the Keith and Tom show.

I'm getting opium gyms on this shit. Oh, shit. That sucks. Well, note to self, I'll keep a fucking pocket full of gushers for whenever you're yeah yeah here you go eat a little treat i try to do that then i just ate the

gushers it was a whole thing what are they there for tom it was just get a slingshot with like rich crackers in it and just like all right connor's emergency snacks we gotta we gotta trink them with your face out of his his pocket. Dude, you really should start dating big chicks then, if that's the case. Start. For the snacks. Start, Carmen. My affinity for the people is well known. Connor suffers from a medical condition known as girth thirst.

Is that a medical condition? Well, I don't know. Do you want to continue being ableist on my inclusive podcast? My boy is very sick. Let him get 50 cc's of large broad. Is it just large women or are you one of those dudes that likes to watch

me eat and shit? No. I don't like to watch anybody eat. I'm picturing a world where you're like a feeder but you're hungry, but you don't want to ask for any of the food. You just watch a kid eat a cake. While he's getting pissed. Yeah, whatever. If I assert myself and ask for food, I'm not really a very good sub, am I?

Yeah, no, I mean, I like just about everything when it comes to like sex and ladies. I like just about everything when it comes to sex and ladies. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard you say. When it comes to pussies, you know everything when it comes to sex and ladies yeah when it comes to pushes i'm falling in love my first love is is dick broads i guess that would be what i come back to most often but yeah no i'm dick everything were you just like plugging marcy playground b-sides right there oh you guys are all. Sex and candy. Sex and lady. That's a funny, okay.

I'm bad at comedy. Tom's mad that we didn't like that riff. I'm sorry, dude. I'm like, no, fuck you guys. It's all good. I do. Are you telling me

you're genuinely going to get annoyed because you start talking like Cartman for some reason? No, fuck this. No, fuck that. It's cool. I'm not firing you.

You're the asshole. I've been doing some soul searching about my past relationships and what I want out of my life and I've realized I just want a large confrontational bride I think I just need I don't like women that like me very much I like women where I have to constantly work for it

you need to get bullied into a very happy future yeah yeah I just want a brassy woman from the Bronx who just makes like a mean Quit trying to describe me when I'm right in front of you, piece of shit. Honestly, this makes all the sense. Like, what the fuck? No, I don't know. I don't think

me and Carmen would work. I'm too moody. I would just hit you. Can you imagine you're just getting up on a fucking shine box and popping you in the jaw? I don't On a fucking shine box And popping you in the jaw I don't need no Fucking shine box Oh god

You're gonna like Jump up Don't make me get my stilts You son of a bitch You're gonna jump Uppercut him And just look at Mario Fucking get in the mushroom

Yeah you're gonna You're gonna sure you can me Every time I get lippy My stilts Connor why do you have All these bruises On your upper thighs Yeah why do you

Motherfucker You want nothing Carmen put on Her domestic violence legs. That would be a lesson. I tripped while I was putting together furniture. I was just trying to make a nightstand. I'm so clumsy.

I'm such an idiot. Yes, you are, you fucking idiot. You deserve this. I just call it to you. All right, guys. There's nothing funnier than the image of Carmen beating the shit out of Carmen. I can. Do you guys want to do it live on a live feed? Oh, no. I think nothing funnier than the image of Carmen beating the shit out of Connor. I can.

Do you guys want to do it live on a live feed? Oh, well, I think we have a new Patreon. Yeah, 500 iTunes reviews. I'll fight Carmen. Oh, my God. There won't be much of a fight, you little bitch. He's got like three feet on you, and I still think you'd win. It's just Carmen.

I feel like you have torque. I do. I have torque and really strong legs. Oh yeah, dude. It's like I'm fighting the fucking cavity creep. You should have combat haunches, bro. Hell yeah. Seattle is set to ban plastic utensils

which is weird because I thought in Seattle the metal spoons were the problem. Oh! That's the reaction you want for a joke. Oh! You saw a bad magic trick and you were always like, Spoons were the problem. Oh. That's the reaction you want for a joke. Oh. You saw a bad magic trick and you were always like, oh, that was, but it's over. Okay. Oh, it's the end.

Yeah, yeah. A woman was injured when the Philadelphia Phillies mascot shot her in the face with a hot dog cannon. Locals were disappointed, saying this story was just one errant racial slur away from completing Philadelphia bingo. Yeah, how great would it be to get Maude Flanders to death by the Philly Fanatic? The picture of it is soaked up,

because the Fanatic is just holding this fucking, like, Doom BFG shaped like a hot dog and just pointing it into the crowd. Like, yeah, I did it. What are you going to do? Oh, man. I wouldn't be surprised if they put a baby in it next. How bad for these hot dogs coming out of this fucking gun

that it injured a woman's face. I just want to see the Black Lives Matter protest, but all of the iconography is the Philly Fanatic, where it's just like, when will you answer for your systematic abuse,

Mr. Fanatic? Hey, man, Green Lives Matter. This one's really stupid. I feel like I should preface that. Oh, that's all good. A Mars megastorm threatens NASA rover This one's really stupid. I feel like I should preface that. Oh, that's not good. A Mars megastorm threatens NASA rover after 14-year mission. The rock Dwayne Johnson offered to retrieve it using only a tight white t-shirt and a two-by-four.

I couldn't even get it out. It was so stupid as I was reading it. You know what I love about your jokes? I just figured out this stuff. Literally, your setup, you just copy-pasted the headline from the news. You know what I love about your jokes that I just figured out? You're literally, you're set up, you just copy pasted the headline from the news. That's what I thought you were supposed to do. No, I know. You didn't even try and make it sound conversational. You were like reading

the headline and then reading the thing. We're supposed to make it sound conversational. I didn't realize that. You did less work than anybody else. I appreciate it. No, no, I mean, that sounds bad. I guess I just did no format. No, you're like an artist and shit. Shut up. No, I'm genuinely impressed. Yeah, yeah, you're great. Shut up. Also, the joke was bad. format. No, you're like an artist and shit. Shut up. No, I'm genuinely impressed. Yeah, yeah, you're great. Shut up.

Also, the joke was bad. Tom. No, I know. I said that at the beginning. No, I liked it. I think you just, you undersold it. I think it's, you know, yeah, he's in action movies where it's just like, we need a meathead to fix the apocalypse.

Megastorm sounds like a movie The Rock would for sure be. Yeah, it's like whenever you have something grand scientific,'s like, alright, we need a guy who can punch really good. You can tell how good a Rock movie is or is going to be based on if they're billing him as The Rock or Dwayne Johnson. It's Dwayne Johnson and Jumanji and that'd be $300 million. Rampage, that motherfucker is The Rock.

It's just how much ethos is in it. Whether he's a person, he's Dwayne Johnson if he doesn't give a shit. I just want him to win his Oscar for a rock movie. The Academy Award goes to The Rock. To a guy that could also be the name of a bad radio station. Jane Fonda sadly handing away just everything. Yeah, yeah.

Just like, well, cool. This meant something for a while. That's why I think Trump's Space Force is just going to be a picture of the Armageddon poster. I tweeted this, but I want to say it to anybody who doesn't follow me on Twitter. I love Space Force. It's the most American thing ever because we finally were like, what if guns were astronauts? Yeah, yeah.

New data shows white people are rapidly Declining in America due to death And lack of repopulation In other news, hell's being gentrified Hell yeah I can be woke-ish I can be woke-ish This summer on ABC

Yeah, you woke beef Too bad you won't get cast in it. Yeah, woke beef is at a... That was really funny. Woke beef is the name of Macklemore's food cart that he has to compete with M&M's. Oh, that woke beef was like a rap feud between Macklemore and the NAACP or something. Yeah. A South African court ruled that a pastor cannot use religion to justify his anti-gay rhetoric.

The judge said in his ruling, your best bet is to start a podcast with your bisexual friend and hope that makes it okay. Man, we've been cashing in on the faggot card for a while here. Yeah. Nah, this one's bad. My dude stamps. By the way, what do I call it? ADT? A mentally ill man set fire to a historical building in Austin

then told authorities he was possessed by pop singer Taylor Swift. As he watched the flames rise into the sky, the man was heard muttering, Oh, look what you made me do. So stupid. Goddamn, I fucking hate that song so much. I really like that song. I love that Taylor Swift is just so bad at reading the room culturally.

She's like, I know what the world wants. Me being a dick to a black guy. Princess Marshmallow Fluff has a pen. Yeah, it's just, oh, this is shade to you, you dummy. You know nothing of shade. You want her to come out with like fucking, you know, hit him up? Like, yes. First off, fuck your bitch

in the clique you claim fuck your bitch in the clique you claim swift squad when we ride come equipped with you want to be a player but I fucked your wife

that would be great if she was just like I've scissored Kim Kardashian she's like a very gentle Taylor Swift ball at the end she's just like

bruh bruh I'm gonna kill Northwest no and then the best part I hit him up she gets three other mediocre white pop singers to fucking come rap about how bad he is after that, you know, and then just like.

Like Iggy Azalea. Yeah, like Kesha and Ariana Grande just come in. Nelly Furtado. Yeah, yeah. You keep Nelly the Furtado the fuck out of this. Nelly the Furtado. Like Jabba the Hutt. Tom, how many times do I have to tell you that you don't actually like Nelly Furtado?

You just keep forgetting what Furtadas are called. Hey, man, I like Nipples Frito Bandito or whatever her name is. Yeah, the Nookie Fajita or whatever. Nookie Fajita. That's what I call Mexican pussy, everybody. Because it sizzles. Oh, do you have to overdo it with the grilled onions?

What's the name? Nacho Fallujah? The Nelly Furtado game is so good. I'm like a stork. Going over there. And Nabisco fettuccine. I think I'm out. Sorry. The first lady made a surprise. That's Quick Ferrari. All right. That's the surprise visit. That's quick Ferrari.

All right. The first lady made a surprise visit to a family separation center at the border. She was confused when they wouldn't let her volunteer. When asked about condition, she said, it's not as bad. It's not that bad. Their cages are a lot larger than mine.

Oh, another news. Nutmeg Fallujah. We're back. Oh, man. But, okay. Gun-owning pastor is being praised for stopping a carjacking. He says it's very easy. First you pray, and then you go to Walmart and kill a random black guy.

Walmarts are just sanctuary cities for rednecks. They kind of are, you know? Yeah, they are. I think I was talking about it on the show before, but Larry the Cable Guy, whoever wrote this joke for him is fucking brilliant. He goes up on his show, and it's in this massive,

it's like an arena, you know, and he just walks on stage and just goes, well, if you ever needed to go to Walmart, now would be the time. And I'm just like, whoever fucking wrote that for you, Larry, give them an extra grand from me.

That's fucking good. It's so funny that the Mexican kids got there and they're putting them in these detention facilities, but it is just an old Walmart.

Yeah. Oh, is that what it is? All you were worried about is that Mexicans were going to take your fucking Walmart and then you just gave them a Walmart.

Yeah, they took American jobs because we interned them there. You can't exactly stack milk if you've got crying children in the aisle. Which I guess is kind of just what Walmart is anyway. It's just sort of a daycare facility for poor people. I was just going to say, I think the cages are just a daycare center for the people coming over. Yeah, Walmart, we technically can't ask you to leave.

Dude, you've been burping like Rick and Rick and Morty if you only ate juice boxes or whatever. All the boxes are juicy, man, dude. All right, guys. Burger King offered a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any woman impregnated by a Russian soccer team. In response to the news, Yakov Smirnoff says, if you get impregnated by an American football player, all you get is a lifetime supply of whoopings.

They're abusive. I don't know how to do a lifetime supply of whoopings. They're abusive. I don't know how to do Russian accent. You got it. Periodically, my favorite bit would be to just go retweet Yakov Smirnoff periodically. Because every once in a while, I'll pull up Yakov Smirnoff's Twitter. I bet the first thing he writes is amazing. Because he's just still doing Yakov Smirnoff-ass shit. And it's like, dog.

I support ice. Oh, no. My friend writes for him. What? Oh, no shit. Oh, that rules. Okay, so here's Yakov Smirnoff's new tweet. I haven't even read it.

The news just said, if you have ice on the windshield of your car and no ice scraper, you can use a credit card to scrape it off. I was thinking, man, I wish my ex-wife was here. The way she swipes that card in the store is she would have that window cleaned off in no time. Oh, my God. That is a lot of shit. I thought it was that window cleaned off in no time. Oh my God. I thought he was going to make a good ice joke. No. Yakov Smirnoff tweeting live from 1983.

19 retweets, 62 favorites. It's the best part. How many followers does Yakov Smirnoff have on Twitter? 5,300. That's not a lot. That is 800 more than me. Holy shit. Well, we're going to go try and save Yakov Smirnoff's career. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back after this.

Hello. Greetings and salutations. I'm former celebrity and current lunatic, Nicholas Cage. You might recognize me from leaving Las Vegas, raising Arizona, or from watching me spend the last 20 years turning into Gary Busey. Are you lonely? Are you looking for love? Well, you're in luck, because there's two things in this world I consider myself an expert in. Secret messages coded into the Declaration of Independence and the art of seduction. I've personally bedded 267 women, fallen in love with four, and I once drank ayahuasca with Anthony Bourdain, transcended

the earth realm, and impregnated the spirit jaguar of Quetzalcoatl. And now I'm passing on my years of sensual wisdom to you with my new dating app, Cage Match. Cage Match goes beyond the limits of sites like Match.com to help you find the love of your life. Our state-of-the-art compatibility survey is a 12,000 question document designed to help you figure out what you really want in a partner. We ask all the most important questions. Questions like, if you had to kill a man, would you blindfold him or look him in the eye? What's the least trustworthy geometric shape?

Why is the moon? Once you've completed this exhaustive questionnaire, your data is uploaded to the cage-matched supercomputer. That computer is then carefully and personally seized by the IRS as part of an ongoing legal dispute about my daunting level of tax debt. But don't worry, I'll fucking wing it. Each Cage Match subscriber will be accompanied by me on any and all dates. This is non-negotiable and a vital part of the process.

So, uh, Rebecca? Yeah? Uh, sorry, I'm always awkward on first dates. So what's your job? What do you do? Oh, I'm an accountant. Oh, cool. Is that interesting? Not really. No, no, wrong, wrong, wrong!

These are boring questions. What are you doing? Are you interviewing for your fucking school newspaper? Is she applying for a job at your Applebee's franchise? Sorry, Mr. Cage, I just... Step aside, David. Rebecca, listen carefully. I'm going to ask you a series of questions. If you answer them honestly, you will receive untold pleasures.

If you attempt to deceive me, I will kill you with my brain. Do you understand? Wait, wait, are you Nicolas Cage? What's your favorite number? What? Who has a favorite... Don't fuck with me, Rebecca. What is your favorite number? 21. I don't know. Don't fuck with me, Rebecca. What is your favorite number?

21. I don't know. Correct. Which planet does God live on? Jupiter. Have you ever met a horse? Oh, yeah. Actually, I went to a summer camp where we rode horses. It was really fun. That sounds interesting. Tell me more. I was 15, and it was up in the mountains of Lake Tahoe.

It was really beautiful. See? It's just that easy. Hi. Welcome to Outback Steakhouse. Have you folks heard the specials? Have you ever been dragged out into the street and beaten until you piss blood? Every cage match date is guaranteed to end in sexual intercourse, ritual human sacrifice, or both. And yes, I will be watching from the corner.

But don't worry. I'm very discreet. Yes. Yes. That's good. That's good. Work the butthole. Work the butthole.

The butthole is not your enemy. Fuck yeah. Oh my god. Ow the butthole. Work the butthole. The butthole is not your enemy. Oh my God. That was incredible. Yeah? Did you come? Yes. Thanks, Nicolas Cage. Shut up. Screw him again. I can see his soul dancing.

Dating is all about choices. Why not do what I've always done and make big choices? Insane, inexplicable choices that turn a promising career into a punchline. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. I came up with another Nelly Furtado during the break. Nice store, Fantana. Just the one Fanta girl who really scares the other ones. Yeah, fucking Nilla Wafer Fantastamago. Yeah, NyQuil Fernando.

NyQuil Fernando would be a pretty good SoundCloud rapper. I think that's the episode title. Oh, NyQuil Fernando? That might be it. We've thrown out some good ones. So we're going to be playing a round of one of our favorite games, Did They Die, Everybody? Yeah, I'm going to give you a headline, give of our favorite games, Did They Die, Everybody? Yeah. Shit, dog.

Yeah, I'm going to give you a headline, give you a little snippet of an event that took place, and you guys have to, I almost said seduce. You have to seduce. You look so strong. You have to fuck a corpse if you want to win this game. Tight. For the prize of nothing.

I lose. All right, that's fair. With the way that Keith like doles out his like sexual experiences, I wouldn't be surprised like episode 206, someone would be talking about necrophilia and Keith would be like, yeah, when I fucked a corpse, like why? I was 20. I lived in Anaheim. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know any better.

Hey, officer, I thought he was just giving me the cold shoulder. Why am I curly from the three stooges in this impression? Hey, why are you denying what you've always been? Corpse fucking curly? Yeah, the fall man for your handsome sidekick, me. The Three Stooges in Graveyard Tomfoolery. And then Tom busts his head through the O

in Tomfoolery. Fuck, shit. A-ee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba. Alright, so uh let's begin the first one a woman was mad at her parents for having eczema did they die wait is she mad at the parents for having eczema she she she wrote uh i want so yeah she wrote that um uh fucking having eczema and passing it on to your children is worse than quoting loosely here, being poor and having a kid that you can't take care of. And I'm stuck with eczema for the rest of my life.

Oh, man. This wouldn't be a story unless she pretty brutally murdered. Yeah, dude. She drowned him in like fucking acne cream or something. How's this for being proactive, you fucking whore? Like she's building a Batman villain. You're building just a really a Batman villain. Yeah. You're building just a really smooth Batman fight.

What is X-Men? Cole Sprouse. Like the flaky skins? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that what Hooper has? Okay. I like that you're whispering it like he's in the next room. No, Hooper.

And you're not recording it into a microphone. Hooper rung the gypsy. That's what he did. There's a witch doctor from Nepal who fucked him over. Hooper stole something from a caravan in 2006. Alex Hooper did expired quaaludes and tried to barbecue his face. Yeah, and since then he's been cursed. He ate too many mushrooms at a renaissance fair.

Yeah, he's been cursed with the complexion of a French roll for the rest of his life. It's a croissant of a man. Yeah. Goddamn. They're dead. Yeah, X-Men seems like such not a big deal. No, you don't kill somebody over that. Oh, you've never been on this show.

Yeah. I don't think she killed him. We've heard of way less justified murders. I think she did something, but she didn't kill him. She either killed him or tried to kill him, and the question is, did she succeed? And I think think based off her tweets that yeah she did

and that is why yeah those people are dead guys no way she killed her parents and then killed herself because she had eczema man it seems like she could have just skipped the kill your parents part and just killed herself she's just some fucking Cetaphil it's not alright

you just got people danger. Whatever, man. I'm freaking out over. I'm peeling right now because of a sunburn. Oh, man. You are. Yeah. I got like flaky tits.

Bruh. I got croissant titties. You got to kill your parents now. Your tits are like over one of those Babybel cheeses. You got to get the wax off of them to get to the delicious titty inside. But your tits are snakes shedding their skin. Well, it just serves as an important reminder to be kinder to each other and lift each other up. And, you know, what you are on the outside.

And also don't take fucking Carmen's shirt off. Eat skin. Yeah. I'm amazed I haven't been sunburned yet. Yeah. I mean, you're perpetually pink. Yeah, no, I am pinkening. Like, you're not perpetually pink Yeah no I am pinkening Like you're so like

Pink and Irish Pinkening like a ballpark prank You won't sunburn You'll just have like grill marks And you'll be done Like Yeah no I just don't Cause people are like

Why don't you just go get in a nice tan And I'm like What fucking universe Do you think we live in buddy Yeah Alright next one A gorilla learned sign language I know this one.

Yeah, that was a gag one. A woman was arrested with a.380 caliber handgun in her vagina. Did she die? No, she made it. Man, that is, first of all, a big pussy. How funny would it be if you queefed and then you just shot yourself? Not as funny as if you queefed and shot somebody else. Ooh, that would be funny.

Just like this naked lady Crab walking around I feel like you'd have to walk around In doggy style to pull that off That would be the best position To shoot someone with your pussy It depends on how many kegels she does You gotta point your butt

At them like some kind of robot scorpion No one will see it coming We're grinding and then their dick gets shot off it's a perfect plan I do wonder if there's anyone like because you put the gun in your mouth I wonder if anyone has ever like put the gun in their vagina and just blown themselves up like that yeah it's called abortion you don't die

and really just Elmer Fudded their clam a gun is funny a grenade is funny just a stick of dynamite with the it's like, oh, it's all the way around and you have the thing

you push down. Dude, the old timey detonations. They call it the enemy douche. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's the last time

I get my tampons from Wile E. Coyote. Oh, this would be a great cartoon. The last words, meep, meep. That's a great,

that's a great cartoon where fucking the, the roadrunner is a blogger and Wile E. Coyote is an incel MRA activist. He just goes around and he's just like, ooh, I put fucked cyanide in her moisturizer. Oh, man. Gun in the pussy. I think she's alive. Okay.

I think she's alive. All right. You think she's alive? You know, I'm going to double down and say dead. She's alive. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, so just so you know, there's something.

Oh, and the cops were frisking her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess it's better to let them know. Is it? Or is it better to go through the entire process and get released and still have the gun in your twat? Look, cops are bad at not shooting people with their own guns. I think if they're reaching up in there and they're finding the devil's piñata. She was getting a cavity search? Why?

I don't know. I know it's hard to believe that a woman with a gun up her pussy committed a crime. It's like, well, I left church and I'm on my way to the soup kitchen. Better cram this pistol up my gash. Well, the problem is that they wouldn't have found it, but she didn't tuck the string back up in. The gun has a little tassel on the handle because it's for ladies. Yeah.

I do like when you go to the Bass Pro Shop, it's just like, well, these are all the guns, and then there's the seven pink ones. Yeah, yeah. When you want to murder, but you don't want to be the two fucking butch. All right, guys. School officials forced a 12-year-old girl to hug her bullies. Did they die? Oh, no.

Did the bullies die? Or did the girl die? Did the girl die? Oh, yeah, she's dead. Yeah, she for sure. They were just like, you had to hug us, kill yourself, and then she did. That's 100% what had to have happened. All right.

Keith's got a dead on the board. Man, it'd be nice if she just killed them. I mean, that's the hero story, right? Yeah. But I mean, a 12-year-old pussy isn't developed enough to fit a whole 380 inside of her. Maybe like a Derringer. Speak for yourself. You know how in Taxi Driver, he shakes his wrist and the gun comes out on the string?

I got fucking Ruby Falls up there when I was 12 years old. I got a goddamn trapper keeper since I was eight. Dear diary, ow. I don't need no storage unit, okay? I am a storage unit. I got an old couch up in there. Yeah, I got a muff you can fit a family of seven in. I got an Astro van in my fucking twat.

I got family separating in my twat. There's crying kids with Myla blankets in my labia. Oh. They're from Libya. I do word play. I got Libby and Wavy. Yeah, I agree with Keith. I think she killed herself. All all right carmen what do you think

uh yeah she's dead yeah she's dead tight pretty fucked up were we right on what happened yeah exactly what happened yeah yeah man people people stink uh did i told the story about the principal talking to me in high school right yes yeah okay i was like hey meet my friends you're like fuck your friends i'm bummed yeah no i would just go sit by myself at lunch in ninth grade and the principal comes over to me and he's like uh hey man you want to come meet some of my friends and i was like no and he's like we seem awfully lonely over here and i was like no i'm fine i don't really know anyone i'm just kind of want to relax for a little bit and he's like are you sure you don't want to come make some new friends?

And I was just like, if you're making me, yes, but if this is optional in any way, that sounds incredibly gay and I'd like to continue listening to Crass on my iPod Nano. Poor man, he's trying to bond.

I picture him back in the teacher's lounge just drinking a cup of coffee like, I tell you, Marcy, that McSpadden boy's going to bring a gun in his pussy one day. Yeah, yeah.

I just remember him going, well, okay, and then just one day. I just remember him going, well, okay. And then just walking away. I love that your teachers sound like confident Mr. Mackey. That's just what I remember him sounding like. All right, guys. A man robbed a GameStop wearing a 36-pack of water bottles wrapper as a mask. You know, like the plastic that the big pack comes in?

That's tremendously stupid. All right. There's no way that guy's dead. I'm saying dead, and I am praying that he's suffocated on the plastic mask that he put on. Tom has come to life. Tom is really perked up. He's like, if I know... I hope it's true. If I know dumb criminals, then I do.

Oh, man. That's a pretty rough... Oh, yeah. I mean, I went to the hospital. The hospital. The hospital. Oh, man. That's a pretty rough... Oh, yeah. I mean, I went to the hospital after I went as water for Halloween. Oh, man. I think he's alive, but I think he basically got choked out by the mask, and that's how he got caught.

I think he's alive just so we can all ridicule him for this. He's got to be alive. I don't know. We just had some pretty spicy riffs about a child that committed suicide. Yeah, we wouldn't mock this hero if he had passed, Carmen. Of course he's alive, okay?

He's alive. Jesus Christ. I mean, how about a little fucking respect? Fucking animal. God, that would have been... That's a Darwin award. It would also take so long to suffocate on your mask. Well, if you tape it up.

Because there's like holes in it. He didn't tape it up. It just was like loose. And the guy working at the GameStop is just like, fuck you? Yeah, like what's great is you look at it and then you're like, okay, from this picture I can see his entire face. Yeah, but if you like put it on as a car. It would be great if it was like Pepsi clear and just his entire face on the other side. Oh, yeah.

I know the perfect robbery mask. I'm going to be super visible and I'm not going to be able to see good. Yeah, I'm going to be winded and blurry. Wow, the perfect crime. You know, what does every criminal that gets caught have in common? They're all breathing air. Well. No, he sees a pretty lady, and the mask starts to fog up, and he's like,

oh, oops, hey, ma'am. Michael Mayer presents retard heat. I mean, they do. I mean, they do have to sweat by panting. And they sweat through the pads of their feet. All right, guys.

An Indonesian woman took up gardening. Did she die? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, Tom, what do you think? Yeah. Yeah, she got eaten by a big snake.

I thought it was just because bitches weren't allowed to garden. A woman has a hobby. I guess we have to burn her. Oh, yeah, no. Indonesia legalizes gardening, and Hillary Clinton quote tweets. She's like, ladies, grab your shears. Hillary kind of sounds like Jebel Baif. Ladies, grab your shears and Hillary kind of sounds like Jevil by F. Ladies, grab your shears and use them to cut off the 1%.

Eat the rich, no pepper. That's a big snake. That's more Bernie than Hillary. I didn't know what you were going to say. She got eaten by a big snake. How small was this lady? Small enough for a snake. She was exactly half a snake feet tall.

Let's not take away from what the snake did here. I mean, we're celebrating his accomplishments. The snake is a champion. Just like one bite, you know? She got eaten by a big snake. You hide a weapon in your pussy. I'll hide your pussy in my weapon. His jaws are the weapon.

That lady didn't have a snake in her pussy. It's not your mom's birthday. I know. When the snake descends didn't have a snake in her pussy. It's not your mom's birthday. I know. When the snake descends. There's a snake in my pussy. There's a snake in my cunt. That's what happens. Yeah, the cobra comes out of my mom's cunt,

and if it sees its own shadow, then I stay mad for another decade. It's called carry confetti. I'm a little late to it, but there's a snake in my chute, because that's pretty much what it is. Confetti. It's just where the laundry goes in,

waste comes out. It's a chute. industrial uh fucking uh the porch for various waste we got any more yeah uh a florida man tried to rob a liquor store with a sword did he die oh no but the guy he tried to rob did yeah he made it man dude i fucking love anime robbers that'd be so great if you walk into a bank with oh i got I got all these shuriken from a sponsored ad I saw on 4chan. Oh, yeah, he's dead. No, he's alive. Florida 7-Eleven guys are trained to deal with a sword robbery. Yeah, yeah.

They're so cranked up and shit, too. You could shoot him nine times and he wouldn't die anyway. That's like in the training video for 7-Eleven. Just the Florida edition is just like, all right, so that's how cash wrap works. Next, sworded intruders. And then after that, woman that takes a shit in the frozen food aisle. Oh, yeah. And then after that, the other woman that takes a shit in the frozen food aisle.

There's more than one. She might shit anywhere. Woman using frozen turd nunchucks. You know the rules. If it happens seven times, we've got to put it in the video. Section 12, errant dumps and you uh yeah uh that guy is alive because the owner fought him off with a broomstick which i think is pretty punk rocky so what yeah yeah and it's just like duel the tweaker that's that's what you get for not using swords that are battle ready which brings us to our new

sponsor superiorblades.com now if you've ever brought a woman home and she was questioning whether it was a full tank or a half tank, rest assured they got all the information you need. You just use. If you bring a woman home and there's swords, it's a no tank. Yeah. Just use promo code no clits if you want. Battle ready is the only thing that gets me hot. Yeah, there's got to be battle ready. I get straight up damp for hot yeah dude it's gotta be battle ready

I get straight up damp for swords hi I'm Carmen Morales here to tell you what weaponry gets my pussy do you own an iguana that would be great to like the guy trying to fuck the girl that's an even bigger bro than him and she comes over and she's just like, whoa, these aren't even sharpened, you ass. What a pussy.

And that's what you're not getting, son. Yeah, let me pull out my flint. She takes it out of her fanny pack. And the guy's like, well, I mean, all the swords are sharp. I didn't really get it in, but we got it into a watermelon in the backyard when we tried to do a little practice. Oh, my God. As a guy who's tested a lot of swords in the suburbs, I can only make so much fun of this

gentleman. Yeah, I know your terrible life. A man was bitten by a rattlesnake that he had just beheaded. Did he die? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking dope. Yeah, it sucks. He cut the head off this rattlesnake, and the rattlesnake was like Terminator.

Like, not today. You know, just fucking. Snakes are having a moment this week. Yeah, I like to imagine that the rattlesnake used his tongue to like boing himself up and bite his calf. With my dying breath, I stab at thee. Where did this happen? What does that matter? Saratoga.

I don't know. I don't remember where it happened. Fucking some snaky area. Yeah, because the venom can be released even after they're dead. Yeah, I think he's alive, though. I think he's dead. I think if you're holding up a headed snake, you're around people who know how to deal with snake stuff.

No. Wait, what? I've killed plenty of snakes. I don't know shit about them. I don't know. I think he's alive. Carmen, we get it. You're a diesel dyke.

I'm going to say dead. Where are you killing snakes like little garden snakes like fucking scary yeah like yeah like like uh there's rattles like not rattlesnakes rat snakes and shit like that in florida okay we live by a field no rat snake is the guys from rat and the guys from white snake got together and they were squatting in carmen's garden so i fucking cut their heads off and she thought i ain't no goddamn indonesian give me my fucking okay i got my 380 out. Callback City.

I just tied the whole show together. No improv classes, everybody. Do you remember that show Double Dare when they have to reach into a big nose and pull out the flag? Like that, but it's a gun and a pussy. They have to reach into a 12-foot gooch. Oh, man. Let's make Horny Double Dare.

Dude, God, yes. That would be really, really funny. Yeah, man. Let's make horny Double Dare. Dude, God, yes. That would be really, really funny. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Well, there's got to be a thing where a guy has to jizz on something to reveal a secret code, so the guy has to cum really fast. Oh, man. We're just committing a sex crime.

Well, everyone signs paper. These aren't kids we're using. That was a jump. Well, doesn't Double Dare have kids on it? Yeah. Oh, I don't know the show. It's fun for the whole family. Oh, yeah.

This is really just fun for some of the family. All right, cover your eyes, Sarah. Daddy's got to... Come for the whole family. Cover your eyes, Sarah. Daddy's got to win us a trip to Orlando. God help you if you get slimed. He looks over at her and he finishes and everybody's like, what?

I was just doing nothing. I was thinking about someone else. What are you talking about? Kramer. Kramer. I'm just... I What are you talking about? Kramer. Kramer. I'm just, oh, I'm raping my daughter, Kramer. Good old raping my daughter, Kramer. Jerry Allen.

This season on Crackle, comedians in cars raping children. Comedians in cars getting caught trolling for prostitutes. Wow, Eddie Murphy came back. Sorry, Carmen. It's okay. By all means, I don't want to slow down your rape riff. I figured you do a podcast with Brian Vogey. There's no way this isn't the most wholesome hour of broadcasting.

We can't go three episodes without talking about pedophilia to a nauseating level. Oh, yeah. Well, let's get into it right now. A Taiwanese man forgot the fish sauce. Wait, so did he die or not? Oh, rattlesnake? I know. He actually lived. He lived.

Okay. Boom. Yeah. Location, location, location. A Taiwanese man forgot the fish sauce when preparing his son's soup. Did he die? Oh, that man was murdered. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't fuck with the fish sauce, bro. Nah. Yeah. Tom, what do you think? Yeah, I think he died, but I think it had nothing to do with this story. I think he just got the fish sauce.

It was like, oh, or I forgot the fish sauce. Like a piano fell on him or something. I feel like fish sauce is what Carmen calls her pussy drippings. No. Okay. We're going to keep the rip in the air there. So what do you mean? You're making me squirt you mean squirting he's like I'm getting the fish sauce everywhere well we're trying to have

a conversation it's more like Thai chili sauce if you want to stomp on the momentum fine or you could tell us what you call the oil pan full of drippings that you empty out into a big jug in the garage I just imagine Carmen sexually has the personality of like Ben Grimm the thing sweet Aunt Petunia, I'm coming everywhere.

Yeah, I do imagine it's a very rough go of things where you're just like, oh, it's going to be a doozy. Get out the visqueen, it's going to make a mess. We still got that shot back, Hank. I feel like you only fuck guys with monosyllabic names. Hey, Larry, Google if I can bleach a couch. Yeah, so that guy was killed. And the guy was mad that he was like, I bought this fish. I bought all the soup stuff.

You made the soup. You forgot the fucking fish sauce. It's basically worthless. I'm going to kill you. I mean, that seems fair. Yeah. So if you thought someone was more of a bitch about soup than me, You made the soup You forgot the fucking fish sauce It's basically worthless I'm gonna kill you I mean that seems fair Yeah So if you thought someone Was more of a bitch about soup than me

Turns out they're out there And that was Did They Die everyone That was fun That was a great round of Did They Die Yeah What a journey We'll be right back Right after this

Alright everybody The Mean Boys Podcast is back And you know what time it is It's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email

or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. Here to read your questions. Listen to your voicemails. That live is so weird. Oh, yeah.

Now everybody be silent for 45 seconds while somebody sings a song about how cool we are. I know. That's what they do on other podcasts. And I'm starting to think, like, maybe we should just drop them in. Yeah. I'm kind of on the team of dropping them in. I kind of like it. Yeah.

So if you got any questions, ever email us. Memoidspodcasts at gmail.com. Oh, shit. I accidentally. Oh, man. You're timing it. Yeah. We're not doing that again. It's a hard job, man.

Please, leave us a voicemail. We love the voicemails at 304-805-MEAN. Actually, this would be a good segue to listen to some of the other mailbag jingles we got sent in that didn't quite make the cut. So, here's our first submission from JesusVersion2.0. I like it. I like that one. That one was a close contender. We got three from Richard Eden that are pretty fun.

Oh, boy. Let's take a gander over here on these bad boys. I got a Facebook message, guys. Who can say it? It's the mailbag. It sounds like what was playing when that woman was eaten by a snake. All right, so there's that one.

It's like if they had an opera in The Matrix. That's terrible. My brothers and sisters. This is racist. Now is the time. The time for mail. Me more as mail. I kind of love that.

That one is probably my favorite. The funniest thing about that is that Richard Eden is the most aggressively white person in the world. He's Canadian. Yeah, he was in the Yukon. He found us based on our appearance on a podcast about positivity. Yeah. Couldn't have been a whiter man doing that voice. He's a hunky Canadian bear.

He's a very hunky Canadian bear. Charge! Damn big! Are you guys definitely muzzing? Are you guys doing cheesy Halloween music? I guess, I don't know. I really like, here's the problem, all four of those would have been fine with me. Thanks for breaking out your copy of GarageBand

and spooky sound effects for Haunted House since volume 12. You had to convert that cassette tape to the MP3 for that. I think that's a Muzzy sample. Okay, great. Did you guys not watch Muzzy? No, I didn't watch Muzzy. You don't know Muzzy?

I mean, I watch him cook in the kitchen in the morning sometimes, but I don't know Muzzy. I didn't need to learn French in 1993. Dude, Mzy was great uh shut up tom all right so so unnecessarily i know i'm sorry i i'm sure it's fine tell us all about muzzy yeah no fuck you no tell me what i want to hear more about the muzzy can it must be a great show because you speak such amazing english not not to mention your beautiful French. Tom, you have 30 seconds. Your fucking family just makes you watch films in other languages that you don't speak. Because you have every accent.

I've watched The Little Mermaid in Spanish about 50 times and English zero times. Tom's voice is the Mr. Burns Germsdor, but with different shitty dialects. It's just like Boston is elbowing fucking, you know, fucking Chicago in the nose. Now I just sound like this. But be real, real. I actually didn't know what was going on with Muzzy. I just, because it was all in fucking German. I only know, I only remember the

commercials for it. I never actually bought it. That's all my Muzzy knowledge. You know, it sounds like we're chastising Tom about his shake weight. And he's like, I thought it'd be a portable fitness solution. I didn't buy it as an adult. My mom got it for me as a kid. And I was like, Tom, you have the box set of Muzzy.

It's one of your seven possessions. I'll make you a deal. We are going to buy two sets of Muzzy, and you and I are going to have a race to see who can speak French. I was learning German. I was learning German. Okay, well, let's not do that one. Yeah, no. I think we might need German at some point.

Guys, the answer is Chinese, all right? If you want to get ahead of the curve with this whole... Yeah, Chinese muzzy. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so.

No. Ignorance is bliss, baby. Nah, yeah, the heartbreak makes you strong, dude. Yeah, well, I don't know. Keith's probably had his heart broken the most. You just have a very old... You don't know. You don't know my story.

I'm just kidding. You don't have a heart. You have a pork shop that pumps sass. I imagine your story involves you just working at a mechanic shop. Wiping oil off your hands at all times, even though you weren't working at the car. Not at all. I work in the office. But you still have to wear coveralls.

I feel like you call the men you fuck toots. I have, and I will again. Hey, toots, get the fucking debit card and scrape this extra skin off my tits. Unstick my tits from my shirt and then come pipe me up, sailor.

Yeah, have you ever wanted to titty fuck a little Caesar's crust? Welcome to the big leagues, kiddo. Yeah, it's like your dongs in between two crumbling Mexican pyramids. Yeah, it's like pan dulce, but it don't taste like pan dulce.

Crumbly on the top. Yeah, so you think if you could go back in time and undo being in love with people, you would undo it? I have a hard time thinking I've ever been in love with somebody, though. Okay, that's fair.

What are you looking for in a guy? Because we've got a lot of eligible studs. You said you like swords. We got them. We have a whole nation of swords. I thought we were just riffing. Are we being serious now? I guess we can be serious. What do you want to do?

I'm not going to bully you into talking about your emotional issues. They're all addressed. I'm fine. Not that you have emotional issues. You know what I'm saying? Just trying to get a quip out. Don't want to make you get too real. Next question. Fucking paper or plastic, guys? No. you know what I'm saying just trying to get a quip out you know don't want to make you get too real okay next question fucking

the paper or plastic guys no if the Mean Boys owned a restaurant what kind would it be here's my reason I think the reason like

the love and loss in the life like cause like unrequited love I think you get a lot more done like with love and loss it's like

you're like for a long oh yeah then you're getting in shape you're trying to fucking like learn guitar you know all that shit that person that you like doesn't like you back like that's like you get way more shit done you know what i mean and and i feel like uh well good news for our listeners you're on the right track according to carmen keep sketching creepy pictures of that girl that works at the starbucks where your house is a dragon or whatever you people do but i think when you fall in love with somebody and then it doesn't work out you still take the good things you got about yourself for sure

yeah i'm just playing devil's advocate i don't really feel that way i'm certain love's great right i mean if love isn't real people wouldn't have a second kid on purpose love is real i believe in it i just don't like i don't know if one's better than the other i think both of them are cool uh i um i've realized this about my about my relationships is that you do learn about yourself I learned that I'm bad at being a boyfriend how so? what are you bad at? I just don't like anyone

don't touch me! sometimes I don't like being accountable for anybody else's mood if I'm in a bad mood I'd like to just be alone you know or whatever but sometimes you have to be a team player and it's just like man I'm bringing all this shit in here and I can like suck it up for a long time but then I can't and I'm in a bad mood. I'd like to just be alone, you know, or whatever. But sometimes you have to be a team player and it's just like, man, I'm bringing all this shit in here and I got, I'm trying,

and I can like suck it up for a long time but then I can't and I'm just like the worst, you know? So why don't you just, why don't you just tell a bitch, hey, I need a minute.

Daddy's grumpy. I guess I just can't date the kind of women that aren't okay with that, you know? And they also feel bad because they're like, so there's just like nothing I can do for you because I'm always better at like being helpful

when they're like, so I can't do anything to make you feel better. I was like, nobody ever has. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Unless you want to be Tom and come and do something funny. Tom cheers me up probably more than any human being. I jest.

Yeah, yeah. Tom will get a good one in. If we had a restaurant, what kind of restaurant would it be? I feel like a fun donut shop. You already know it. It's the Cone Zone. Oh, yeah. The Cone Zone.

Hard vanilla. Callback. Yeah, no. The Cone Zone. Hard vanilla. Yeah. Callback. Yeah, no. Tom wants to open an ice cream bar. Cone Zone's mine. I'll give you guys.

I'll give you guys. I'm being cut out of the Cone Zone? You're boxing us out of Cone Zone? You fuck? You guys get majority shareholding

after me. Okay, I'm going to quit this podcast. It pays my rent. I'm going to start an ice creamery. It's a conery. You guys are in.

I'm going to have more stuff. It's going to be the most confusingly marketed business. Just like purveyors of good ass cones since 2019. The cone zone. And people are going to be like, okay, well, I don't need to hold up traffic for anything, so I'm never shopping there. Tom, when you say you want to open a restaurant,

you know you can just live in a truck, right? You don't have to also have a grill there. I live in a kitchen. That's pretty close to a restaurant. Barbecuing ice cream. Yeah, I live about as close to a restaurant as you can get without actually living in a restaurant. Yeah, you do live in a kitchen.

I do. I know. We've got to put some curtains up for you. I also live in the bathroom somehow. I need to tell this story. The other day, I woke up early because I don't sleep, and I'm trying to go back to sleep. I hear Connor in the other room.

I don't know. Sean, I don't know if we should tell this story. No, don't name names. I'm not going to name any names. Okay. I'm not going to name any names. Okay. I'm not going to name any names. And I hear, I fart, and there's a girl laughing at me, and then it's someone hooking up with one of our fucking roommates just laughing at me, and I'm just like, ah, cool, good.

I thought you sounded tall and fucking great. Yeah, literally, Tom just got woken up from his one moment of peace where he's like, I can fart in luxury. And then just an attractive woman showed up and laughed at his butt. Oh, yeah, no, Tom, your alarm clock should just be Nelson going, ha, ha. I'm not a very farty dude, shockingly. Yeah, you don't fart that often. Well, you think, looking at Tom, that he would fart a lot.

No offense, but you'd seem like you'd fart more than me. But I fart much more than you. It's like a... You fart a medically problematic amount. Yeah. How many times have you farted on this podcast so far? I haven't farted on this podcast. They've all been coming out as burps.

Yeah. Oh, they're coming up top. One in 15 farts. The butt of the top. Yeah, I like how you said that. like we were talking about Charlie in the tree. Are they coming up top? Yeah, the old upstairs bunghole. All right, so Ethan Lawrence writes.

The penthouse anus. The top floor. The penthouse anus. Ethan Lawrence writes, If the universe is truly going to end in a big crunch as everyone collapses back to its point of origin and gives way to an eternity of entropy, would you rather go the rest of your life without your penis or without your tongue?

Penis for sure. I don't make a living with my dick. That's what I said. I responded to that guy. I said I'd lose my dick. First of all, I haven't had one and I'm crushing it without it. Haven't had one in,

I thought you were going to say in a while. And I was like, oh wow. Good for you. No, there's always one around the corner. Dick's like a stream of consciousness. It's always there always there okay i was doing like a post-op thing the way you started that sentence made you so like i haven't had one and i was like there's a lot of science word for penis talk yeah i'm keeping my dick i can write like i don't even know the talk like i don't need to fuck that much you know yo fucking rules yeah if you don't well

but you're also like a sex addict there's a difference yeah how do you know i'm a sex addict keith and i are probably i don't know listen to yourself ever that's all you're constantly talking about is your sexcapades he's been talking about sex the whole time i yeah i have been yeah no no we swap bodies like i'm in a relationship now he's like the horny one before you in a relationship yeah yeah i had. I had to fuck myself tired. And I was like, oh. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, I've dispelled him enough excess cum to feel

again. Yeah, Keith will just go. You're proving me right. I appreciate that. You know what, man? I will not apologize for liking the party, okay? Keith will go on like a six months boner Mardi Gras and then I'll fell madly in love with like the next woman he meets. Not that you're current then. Not that she's very nice's very nice oh you're fine have we ever talked about that do we talk about what happened on the porch when she came to visit oh yeah yeah yeah this is a good

one because i'm in a long distance thing right now my girlfriend goes in napa but she came down to a visit for the first time she'd been down here she lives in an auto parts store with his mother she lives in the garage where fucking carmen works yeah she sleeps in a pile of wrenches hey jordan bring me over to fucking pipe wrench. But no, I'm giving her the grip. Bring down the lift,

Keith's girlfriend's here. But I'm bringing her to the tour of the house when we go on the back porch to smoke a cigarette and I see Connor's feet laying on his bed and I'm like,

oh, Connor's probably just chilling out or whatever and then Connor just comes out and he's like, hey, what are you guys doing? I'm like, oh, just hanging out, man. He sits down and he's like, to be honest with you guys doing? Oh, just hanging out, man. He sits down. He's like,

be honest with you. I was straight up jerking off. No, it's funny. I heard them coming around the corner. I had to like scooch back so they couldn't see me in my window. And I had to like reverse butt army crawl. So I could,

I didn't accidentally flash Keith's new girlfriend. You were kind of a dick about it. No, I was trying to be like, so you guys just want to hang out on my patio that I pay for and just chill out while I just have blue balls here in my bathrobe? And we were just kind of like, yeah, yeah, we did. Yeah, no, it was fun. I thought that would be a funny way to introduce myself because I've introduced myself to all your girlfriends in weird ways.

Yeah, that was the most hilariously on-brand one. Yeah, yeah, like when you and Chelsea first started dating, I was doing a weird, like, nymph character dancing around the trees. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the fucking wood nymph of Little Tokyo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, guys. We're going to go into some of our voicemails here. Oh, hell yeah. Hey, Mean Boys.

I'm TJ from... Oh, yeah. Are you playing? Oh, yeah. I had one Facebook thing I just wanted to read. Anthony Decimito says he's excited to see you drag your first drunk bro out of the comedy store. Because Carmen just got hired as the, what is it, the fourth female door guy?

Second. Second in history. Holy shit. Wow, the tw the fourth female door guy. Second in history. Wow, the twelfth female door guy. I'm just going to keep diminishing the accomplishment. Yeah, but no, that's a congratulations. Oh, thanks. That'll be cool.

I'm always looking for people I can talk to there that don't bug the shit out of me, so that'll be nice. Good. Hey, mean boys. I'm TJ from the UK, I guess, and I've got my friend Callum, who I've made start listening to the show. What's up, faggots?

I'm going to assume that's more PC over there. I don't think it is. It means cigarette. So, yeah. Callum, also called the fucking... I don't know um i started listening to your

podcast a couple weeks back um i don't know my voice kind of went fucky there but i don't know um uh keith you are literally are you seriously you boy boy oh yeah boy okay i need to what the literally. Are you serious? What? Boy. Boy. Oh, yeah. Boy. Okay, I need to take a line. What, dude? This is like when a couple tries to, like a couple tries to

have a conversation with a third person. You know when you call your friend and it's them and their girlfriend are in the car at the same time? Yes.

No, no, let me talk. No, no, yeah, and they're just talking over each other. How about me or you talk? Yeah, because you're making me want to wish

you guys had a car bomb. I'm going to be honest. She really does wonders for the marvels of the English wit. They're just like, oh, listen, mate. All right. I like your show. All right.

But you've got to let- I said, mate, what he said. Have they gotten to their problem with me yet? Yeah. It could be a good thing. We're drinking whatever the version of Four Loko is over here. I kind of fucking love these guys so far.

What is the FourLoco metric conversion? I was having a liter of bum piss. 1.75Loco. It's actually 3.2KiloCo. You want to drink some hard tea? Michael's hard tea. Yeah, Mike's hard tea. All right, let's listen on.

What the fuck? Why? Why did you fuck like a dog? How do you put yourself in that situation? Also, I'm very... I feel bad for you because you have to basically go through all this. People basically... If you're paying for an

international phone call could you turn off the fucking shitty SoundCloud page in the background I don't want to have to listen to whatever dumbass grime rapper you guys think is good you're trying to call my friend of animal abuser okay respect the audio quality of this professional broadcast we got a new table for this uh it out yeah take a line man yeah so currently i topped up my phone with a fire just to call you guys and i don't know this is just weird also doing the lines yeah actually i wanted to say like if you guys ever come to the UK you can always say

at Karen's house like you've got a bed you've got a spare like magic here's what's fucked up I will definitely be taking these guys up on this at some point

ah thanks white kids from attack the block yeah this sounds like a cut scene from Trainspotting an audible rambling and you guys can crash

with this you sound like the English version of the gang from it's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I appreciate fucking gay porn Ali G for giving us a call. I'm sure him and Connor can go top to toe in his bed. I'm with Tom. Tom is the best.

Tom, you're fucking done. You are done, Tom. I'm serious, bro. Tom. You're a fucking legend, Tom. Tom, don't listen to him when they shit on you. Don't. I think you're real great.

I fucking believe in you, Tom. You're a wizard, Tom. You're a wizard. Tom, you're like the bass player for Oasis. Just let him fly it out and cash your checks, mate. God, it's so charming to know that England has just fucking retards. I know. It's so charming to know that england has just fucking retards it's like we're calling you from whatever britain's florida is scotland we listen to the mad clown hooligans you know they're absolutely daft i love it

oh my god you you you guys look like if you if you kind of combine you guys together You would kind of look like a really skinny like flesh burger That's a body if you want to resume these words on property Fuck it was really funny Keith Perry's mom bit so it doesn't really feel that original. Yeah, baby Gary's mom constantly getting abortions The medicine Mulligan Mulligan I just take my couple downstairs just to... Can they send me an owl?

I mean... Yes. She has free brothers. I'm going to wait to gain life insurance. Life insurance. All right, it's wrapping up. Thank God. I'm glad you're workshopping this one mild roast on the phone.

You dumb fuck. I guess so. The point is, what I'm trying the point is what Brian is trying to say you're a fucking great podcast I've never really properly got into a podcast until my friend introduced me to you your calling credit is running low

please arrange a tap out I had to plan all this for that. Oh! You fucking dumb cunt. English phone card is broken, you idiots. Are you calling us from... Is this what England jail is? Is it you and some other fucking chav listening to Scroobius Pip in a fucking concrete room? You fucking maroons.

Listen, listen, bro. We've got designer drugs out here. If you ever want to get fucked up on KFC two, it's fucking mental.

Oh my God. Please arrange a top up. Everything is everything you people do is adorable. That's a top five voicemail.

That's one of the best voicemails we've ever got. Yeah, you fucking if you live in another country and you want to leave as a voicemail,

if you do it, I'll PayPal you the three bucks you need for the international calling i love hearing people with goofy ass dumb accents really raw it's funny it's impressive to sound dumb in a smart sounding accent the fact you guys came off so goddamn stupid that's that's proof you've only hung out with english people in like watching movies. You hang out with them in person. They're just as dumb as we are. Hello, it's James and Quiet Robert. Listen,

oh no, we can't call his mom a slut. It's been done to death, bruv. Call his guy. What'd you call them? What'd you call them? Hoah. Here's all the information you got across in that three-minute voicemail. You can sleep at our house. They like Tom,

I guess. Good podcast. We're bad at money. That's all you were able to establish. Oh, God. Yeah, so go fucking put more of the, I don't know what you use for currency over there, fucking crisp rapids or whatever. If the three of you had to fight Louis J. Doman, but you can only fight one at a time, what order would give you the best chance

to beat him to the death? Why does he sound like he's garbled? Like he's leaving a phone number for a CIA informant. I like that he very... Does he say his name? Here's a typical Legion of Skanks fan The articulate fucking sentence Beat him to the death

Beat him to the death So the setup is we all have to fight Lewis Like we're picking a fighting game order for our characters I mean the reality is we put Tom in first Because Tom just kills Lewis Yeah but I think if we're going on a strategy I wear him out Hopefully he's on the ground enough for Keith to use his weight.

And then if he takes out Keith, we throw in Tom. Is that Jeremy? Jeremy, did you leave that voicemail? He's not going to respond to you. It's a voicemail. Yeah, Tom. He's not online right now. I say it in the podcast.

You and your talking to a really chill ghost. No, I mean, I always think, though, you put Tom in first because Tom has a 90% win rate, I think, against Luis Gomez. Yeah. But I think if he doesn't win, he's Tom in first because Tom has a 90% win rate, I think, against Luis Gomez. Yeah. But I think if he doesn't win, he's going to wear Luis down like a motherfucker, and then you go in and just fucking back him. Luis, here's the problem. I'm really trying not to fight Luis Gomez.

I know what you're doing. I like Luis. I wouldn't want to fight him. Well, yeah, but we're talking theoreticals here. Yeah, yeah. I'll fucking kick your ass, dude. I did strip mall karate for seven years. Yeah.

All right, Brent? And Louis also, he grew up in a rough neighborhood. If this is how we get our podcast to be more successful, I will do a charity boxing match with one of the guys from Hollywood Handbook. All right? I will go there. You already have the charity box, Carmen. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. Oh, no. There's no gloves in there. Oh, she's not showing me any charity. I'll tell you. There's no ring for this. It's going to be done in a kitchen. We're going to find...

I automatically win if you come. I'm on Zoloft. That'd be harder than fighting me, trying to make you come. I hope you got 90 minutes free. Yo, what up, mean boys? It's your boy, Cal Flay Show. Calling back in. It's been a while.

First things first, I'm at work, bitch. Yeah, bro. I'm like, she had a fucking golf course job. Fucking water and shit, you know. It's getting pretty close to 14 to the line. Hey, I'm joining you from inside a cloud. Is he in a hurricane right now? Hey, what's up, guys?

Just flying my open seat biplane. I wanted to check in. I like that you're just making small talk. Like, yeah, it's getting pretty close to 4th of July. Like, we're not your neighbor. I didn't bump into you getting mail. Like, wow, are you ready for the rain this weekend? They say it's coming.

Are you yelling down at me from a hot air balloon? Yeah, yeah. And so I thought I'd call up and tell you all a story. Since I've seen a time of red blood American and all. So, like, I don't know, four or five years ago, something like that. I went down to this shitty-ass county, Kansas. Hanging around with a bunch of my old high school buddies. And we're all drinking and having a good time. This is terrible.

This is unlistenable. Yeah, sorry, guy. And something stupid, like really fucking dumb. So I fucking lightly tapped her in between her titties. Okay, heard that part. My buddy Kyle, her boyfriend, fucking cattles my ass. And I'm sitting there on the fucking ground like, I like i'm like how you're very right to beat the shit on me right now but i also want you to know that your girlfriend's a dumb bitch and she

deserved whatever i did whoa man here's the thing though okay so all i got from the story is i bought a bunch of fireworks and i'm climbing a mountain assaulted somebody, and I'm on a pirate ship. I miss the British. Is this guy from Florida? Definitely. I got seven siblings, man. I grew up, and I have four sisters, dude. So I'm allowed to hit a woman. In 18 years of your life,

and houses that many goddamn hormones, and you're not allowed to punch one of them the entire time you're living there? No, you're not, you fucking cunt. Goddamn bitches are evil. So I don't give a fuck. I think it's my God-given American right. And I should be allowed to lightly tap a woman every so often.

She's really dumb. That's why I don't have a girlfriend, probably. I wonder why. Is it because they're all dead? Oh, yeah. I heard this saying earlier. Women are nature's punching bags. I don't really remember too much what happened after that.

I lost friends that night. Made some friends that night. And, yeah, that's pretty much my story. Let's see. Keith is fat. Tom is stupid. And Connor probably drinks, like, sperm for breakfast or some dumb shit. Yeah, fuck everything.

God is dead. You're fucking retarded. You're a stupid asshole. Yeah, I mean, here's my genuine question. I don't know what we've ever done that made him believe he was going to call us, and we were like, hell yeah, dude, tap that lady. Yeah, yeah. They're dumb. Fuck you.

This does fucking worry me because it's like, are people taking the wrong message away from the show? Nah, this guy's just a fucking show. Like, you're just a fucking idiot, dude.

Like, you wouldn't think you'd have to say this, but the mean boys don't condone hitting a lady. Yeah. Don't do that. Yeah, nor do we.

Luckily, I'm not a fucking lady. Dude, I will. There's no rules against broads. Who wants to throw hands? Hey, buddy, I'm serious right now, and Carmen, if you're down, I will put up the whole against broads Who wants to throw hands? Hey, buddy, I'm serious right now

And, Carmen, if you're down I will put up the whole Patreon check I think we all will agree To set up a fight Between you and Carmen Morales No, Carmen, fight this dude You will fucking shithouse this guy Okay

Yeah, yeah Yes I'm game All right, yeah, so fucking, yeah Don't contact me ever again Unless you got your fucking address You dumb pussy Yeah

You fucking fag. Don't do that. Well, that's the show, everybody. Oh, that's the last one? What a way to end it. Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, fuck you, man. Like, I don't think

there could have been any context in the windy part I skipped over that would have made that fucking make any sense. Yeah, that sucked. Yeah, I don't know if you're doing a character

or whatever, but yeah, it's not funny. Fuck you. So, Carmen. Was he kidding? I don. Yeah, I don't know if you're doing a character or whatever, but yeah, it's not funny. Fuck you. So, Carmen. Was he kidding? I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea.

He sounds too dumb to kid. He sounds too dumb to have access to that level of thinking. Where he's like, I only know being serious and hitting in the balls. Those are the two kinds

of ways for feelings to be expressed. Yeah. Can't believe you work at a golf course, dude. Fucking shocking. Fucking everybody gets mad. Not everyone hits ladies.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I just... The more you know. Yeah, well, for a living, I'm the duck from Duck Hunt, but with balls at rich people that I could never hope to exist alongside.

He's doing that shitty thing a little kid does when they get caught. Like, I didn't even hit him. I just tapped him. Hit at me. He's doing that shitty thing a little kid does when they got caught. Like, I didn't even hit him. I just tapped him. Like, nah. When you're out there picking up the balls, you've got the mattress strapped to your back. Turn it against the wind the next time you want to leave us a problematic voicemail.

You fucking idiot wage slave turtle. You deserve pain, and I'm glad you'll die poor. Yeah, fucking, yeah. Die in Florida what happened what happened to the fireworks you never really talked about the alligator ate

the wrong motherfucker oh man and on that note Carmen thank you so much thanks so much for having me where can they find you on social media and stuff

carmenmorales.com for all your Carmen Morales needs at the funny Carmen on all the assorted social media listen to my podcast. Uh, no,

sir. I don't like it with me and Brian Vokey. And, um, thanks so much for having me. Yeah. I need shows you got coming up. I'm going to be in all over Colorado for all of July.

Go fucking. Yeah. We just went there. Yeah. We have a fat, uh, Colorado. And Carmen's a terrific standup comedian.

You guys fucking, you're doing yourself a disservice if you don't go see her. Very funny. Uh, I'm at the madhouse June 29th and 30th. That will be fun. LA, Unnecessary Evil at Westside Comedy Theater, Friday, July 27th. That's a great show.

And we're coming up to the Pacific Northwest. So if you're in Portland or Seattle, get on the goddamn email list. Let us know where you are. We're setting up shows right now. All that shit's going to be in and out soon. And I'm coming to Pechanga Casino. So if you live in the godforsaken i'm coming to pachanga casino so if you live in the godforsaken place that is temecula come see me at the uh the last weekend of august

first day of september oh i have to it's fucking boy do you sure get a room i'll tell you that phoenix arizona i'll be at comedy off main street july 13th and 14th uh july 27th i will and 28th i will be at mother mary's in dichica or not Mother Mary's in DeChico's in Fresno God damn so many stupid words Pacific Northwest with Connor all through the first part of August We're bringing Tom too yeah We're going to announce all that shit too

And then September 6th or the 8th I'll be in San Diego and October 12th and 13th I will be headlining at WAFs in Tucson Arizona So come to those. Yeah, the 27th of this month, I'll be at Bricks on Sunset Beach. July 10th, I'll be at the Clubhouse in Placentia. And then August 5th, 6th, and 7th, I'll be at Chico's in Clovis.

Hell yeah. Cool. All right, that's it, guys. And then we close out the show. We go on the count of three. We go, fuck everything. What's up? Oh, never mind.

I had another plug, but I didn't write it in my thing. It's fine. Okay. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. Bye.