Mean Boys - EP 137 - Tubby Compadres (feat. Pat Barker)

Episode Date: June 28, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Pat's podcast:https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pat-and-jeff-like-sports/id1291727593?mt=2 Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Pat Barker on Twitter: twitter.com/patbarkercomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's another episode of the Mean Boys podcast. Pat Barker joins us again in the studio. A rare member of the Five Timers Club. Yeah, man, he fucking, most people tap out after two. That's right. I guess. They sure do. Like a sex thing or something?

Yeah, that works. Pat was a ton of fun listening to his podcast, Pat and Jeff Like Sports. That's what it's called. Who could care? Yeah, Pat and Jeff know you're not coming. That's what it's called. I will reluctantly Google it so I can put a link to it in the show notes. So if you like sports and you like

Pat, first of all, why? Gross. Second of all, you must be Jeff. I mean, sports... You must be Pat's mom. I listen to it. It's a good show. Yeah. If you like sports. No, it's not. It's terrible. And we hate it and Pat's gay. We'll never speak of it again. This is how you drum up support. You gotta start a fight where

people feel bad and then they go buoy him. This isn't really a fight so much as we're just bullying him. Yeah. But anyway. Yeah, go listen to his podcast. Leave us a review on iTunes.

We are 92 reviews away from us going and bothering my mother in Fresno. Yeah. So that'll be really the Mean Boys season finale.

It's going to be a big... None of us are leaving Fresno alive. It's a big sweeps week episode for us. Go do that and give us your money on Patreon. I could have done the iTunes review in that point. This person writes,

Never have I ever had my man bits so enthralled by such an amazing coalition of voices. You're already trying too hard. Shut up, dude. Thanks for the review, Deadpool. I'm stimulating from every angle as I try to maintain a somber expression and keep my composure.

Okay, this is... We get it. You had a Zanga page. Yeah, if you could delete your review, that would be great. That would be great. Yeah, we're 93 reviews away. For beating that guy up.

I listen in the workplace, the mailbox where you cash... Oh, he's still going? Where you cash your permanent disability checks for being too autistic to be a walmart creator what kind of fucking civil war letter of a review is this and i worry that my hidden pleasure will soon be found out but until then i will continue to let that sensationally stimulation collection of words and that god dude shut up you're giving me a toothache dude yeah i can just say love the show yeah this

man is the worst leave us five stars and no words, ideally. Yeah, you can do that. Well, we need words. No, give us words. We want words. We got to mock him on the show. I'll tell you what. I want the next reviews to all just be about how lame that guy is.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Let's not mess with Canada Thrust with a K, which is weird. That's his name? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I bet he's not even Canadian. I don't even think he fucks. He thinks Canada's funny.

This is the guy who was really into monkeys and ninjas in high school. Oh, yeah. When he's like, well, dude, they're so random. Yeah, what? Random pirates. What? Yeah. So, yeah, this guy has a loot box.

I over-drewed that fart sound. Oh, did you really spit it on yourself? It was pretty funny. Oh, it was straight up goopy-ma-doopies. Yeah, so I'm going to DDoS loot box so you can't get your monthly package of Walking Dead treats. Yeah, and the Patreon still exists. When we get to $2,000 a month. It is so hot in this room, Connor cannot keep his eyes open.

It fucking hurts, dude. You look like Popeye, dude. I don't want to be alive right here right now anymore. He looks so pumped out about all things. Dude, I'm just trying to. Okay, so we're 200-some bucks away from we have to do

seven of these in seven days. If you do it soon, we'll have to do it during the goddamn summer. Oh, shit. And we're going to die. We're just going to be...

I'm just going to buy a whole, like, a Little League game amount of Gatorade and just keep that on deck to keep us all fucking... Like a little IV of...

Electro-ed up, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So do that. Five bucks a month gets of... Electro-ed up, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So do that. Five bucks a month gets you bonus episodes. We get weekly bonus content. And then ten bucks a month gives you a little fucking goody delivered to your door. This month we're doing a rear window decal of Keith and Tom peeing on me. Done in the art style of iconic, profound-ish newspaper cartoon, Calvin and Hobbes.

And who doesn't like that? Why do a Ford logo? I mean, the estate of Bill Watterson. The estate. Is it called an estate if you're still alive? Oh, yeah, I forgot he's not dead. The guy that is Bill Watterson. Yeah, the bank account of Bill Watterson.

Yeah, what are you talking about? We're basing it off water and Watterson and power. Yeah, so go do the subreddit, our Mean Boys, and enjoy some titillating discussions about, I don't know,

whether or not Ramsey exists. Yeah, check out the mayonnaise race for. Also, online stuff you can do. Fill out the tour sheet.

Let us know what city you will come to to come see us. We want to go see you. We go based on what you guys fill out. Let us know where you live, where you'd go,

how many people you could bring, if we could sleep on your couch. Yes, that is a real question. If you live in Seattle or Portland, you may want to keep the second week of August relatively free. You don't have friends. You're not doing anything. But leave those open because we are going to be up. I don't support you attacking our listeners like that. That's not very.

Shut up, nerd. We like to lift them up. We'll be announcing venues and tickets and all that shit. out of their wheelchair vans that they arrive to our shows and we've only had several and then a guy teletypes with his eyes i listen to you guys while i get my sponge baths while they milk my glands yep i assume you have to milk a wheelchair guy's prostate like an angry cat it really distracts me from the process of kneading pus out of my fucked up knees. I'm still spelling car knock wrong even though I have nothing to do but learn

how to actually spell it all day. C-A-R-N-O-K. It's not that hard, people. Yeah, so subscribe on YouTube, follow us on Twitter and Instagram and like us on Facebook, I guess. Tom, anything to add? Good episode. Great. Facebook, I guess. Tom, anything to add? Good episode. Great.

All right, enjoy it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Bring asparagus to your enemy's funerals. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm...

A Build-A-Bear full of cottage cheese. Hey. Yeah, that's you, boy. Man, we used to sit down and really just like, okay, but what would the Build-A-Bear of Pat be filled with? And then Keith was just like, a fat item, lumpy objects, put those together, and there we are.

Watching them just light up in sequence like a hurtful mind. I literally, before we went to air, I was trying to guess what your slam was, and I came up with a garbage bag full of raccoon parts, which I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I wasn't far off. I feel like the only reason I didn't... I feel like I've done that on somebody else. That's probably where I

got it. You're more of like a raccoon with a bunch of fat possum parts, though. Like a turducken? Yeah. The island of Dr. Moreau, the comedy writer. You guys, we just went full circle because on Pat's first appearance, we called him a possum turducken. Oh, shit. That's right. It was literally called the possum turducken.

That's right. Fuck. I wasn't here for that. Yeah, which is a great way of segueing in. This is Pat's, what, fifth appearance? I am in the five-timers club now. Yeah, very exciting. You're a fifth timer?

Tom Hanks is going to come in and give you a jacket. But this is my first time with Tom because I'm usually the Tom replacement. You told me one time when Tom's out, you need a guy who is either stupid or nice. And honestly, you never told me which box I checked. Yes. It's good to be here either way. You're a little dumb and a little friendly. Well, here's the actual thing.

That was a lie what we told you. What happens is if I do fat jokes about just one person, they get stale. So when we don't have Tom and it's just all Keith, it's at a certain point it gets exhausting. So I get to just sort of ping pong back and forth. But now, I mean, I'm like any of you at a buffet at this point. Oh, God. The joy in your heart is truly blowing me up. Yeah, it just looks like I'm sitting down to have a meeting with the fructose lobby.

We look like we're about to shark tank different flavors of Lay's potato chips to you. What potato chip flavor do you feel like is underrepresented? Salt and vinegar. Oh, you're saying they should make salt and vinegar chicken tenders the other day. How amazing would salt and vinegar chicken tenders be? Bad? Yeah, super bad. No.

Fish. Fish is what they would be. They would be fish. I think it would be. Fish is great. Oh, yeah. Wet chickens. I forgot about that.

Yeah, the chicken of the downstairs parts. Anytime Lays gets super creative with the chip flavors, there's a couple that are just absolute bangers. Every time. Bangers. No, you're thinking of the thing that goes with mash. That biscuits and gravy chip, I was so bummed out at how good it was. Because I ate it thinking, oh, what a funny thing. and then it's like the best chip i've ever had and i'm like now i gotta be me and tout the merits of the biscuits and gravy potato chip i remember because you you you

used to eat a lot of uh uh biscuits and gravy and diners and stuff right and i remember the first time i saw you didn't have a big biscuits and gravy face. You did. And I remember. I fucked with gravy, dude. Like, that was Keith's blue period. That was my goo period. Yeah, yeah. The first time I saw the biscuit and gravy potato chips, I sent you a photo of it. And you were real unhappy with the fact that I was sending you photos. Well, yeah. That's not what you just think of me when you see fat abominations.

Like, I feel about, like, you feel about the Jack in the Box promotional venue, probably how, like, addicts feel about when they found out about Crocodile, because they're like, oh, man, it makes your skin fall off, but it feels better than heroin. I'm going to have to give it a shot. I follow, like, promotional fast food items the way, like, rich urban youths follow, like, shoe releases. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I go to Hypebeast. No, Hambeast is the name of the website. You go to it if I, ooh, the new fucking Carbys are coming out. Yo, Hambeast is the name of the website. You go to the website. Ooh, the new fucking Carbys are coming out. I got diabetes. Hype 2, fam. Hype 2. Yeah, fucking like the Jack in the Box promotional items are always just like, what do we have

in bulk that is expiring next month? Yeah. We have 11 tons of pepper jack cheese, okay? We have an entire farm full of jalapenos that's being burned down to create room for cows to graze in the Argentinian rainforest. Yeah. And bacon-based products. Okay. The hot mess burger.

Let's do it. I missed the riff a minute ago, but if you could insert something about waiting in line at the supremely high cholesterol store, I would appreciate that. Yeah. Just work that back in like 30 seconds ago. We'll it in yeah thank you thank you appreciate that yeah pat if you if you want to do that was like when napoleon dynamite gets shoved in the locker and then kicks a few seconds later that's a hot topical reference from 2004 it's literally a hot topical reference oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, that fucking movie was everywhere for a minute. Vote for Pedro. Remember that? I had a Vote for Pedro shirt. I did, too.

And I got it. This is going to be the lamest thing I've ever said. I got it before that movie was cool because I saw that movie at a test screening thing, like a promotional thing when it first came out.

Yeah, and they were just giving out Vote for Pedro. So that's why there's that dog sex scene. They got one really vocal comment card for a guy who's like, well, maybe ken could fuck a

dog wait i was like oh this is like a fun weird little movie that like no one will ever care and then it exploded and i was like oh this is lame now when we when we first moved here we went to the old zoo you know where they took all the animals out of and now you can go like have a picnic and like oh yeah i went on a bad date there and twice and uh either napoleon dynamite or his twin brother because that dude has a twin brother in real life. Oh, shit. John Hader does? Yeah. Oh, shit.

One of them was horrendously neglecting their kids as they were running around in all these animal cages. And we thought it was John Hader, and then the kid screamed out from one of the cages, I'm a Liger. And that sealed it. We were like, oh, that's got to be him. Oh, shit. And he was just buried in his phone. He's like, now will you pay attention to me to me dad if I shout out your one memorable role

the answer was no hey dad Blades of Glory was pretty good I think you were in that thing with Reese Witherspoon where Mark Ruffalo

was a ghost man we're probably like five years away from him reprising the role on SNL for something oh that's gonna be a Jimmy Fallon reunion

for sure oh yeah yeah yeah I thought it was an animated Napoleon Dynamite series oh yeah yeah I just tanked saw that and for something. Oh, that's going to be a Jimmy Fallon reunion for sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Most definitely. I thought there was an animated Napoleon Dynamite series. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just saw that

and ignored it. It wasn't bad. I watched a couple episodes. Yeah. And we want to talk about like indie movies that went popular like fucking

like the carpet bagging. I'll tell you this. I saw Kimya Dawson live after Juno came out. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's something that I think Rhino Records and Claremont

with my mom. That explains everyone you've ever had sex with. No, shit. Yeah, that's something I think Rhino Records in Claremont with my mom. That explains everyone you've ever had sex with. No, you know, the guy who played the penultimate Doctor Who explains everyone I've ever had sex with. But yeah, that was actually a great show. Yeah, I love Kimmy Dots.

It was very good. But yeah, there's one part that was kind of funny where she's talking about, yeah, it's weird. Everyone likes me now because of this movie and I'm not really used i'm just like a like poor folk singer yeah she does what we do but with folk music more or less and then she uh she does this one line in this one song about like basic people or something or like you know sad lives she's like oh every season of friends on dvd and then she stops and she just breaks out laughing she's like i met lisa kudrow at the Independent Spirit Awards.

And she was so nice. And she goes back into this heartbreaking song about whatever the fuck. Oh, that fucking rules. Yeah, it was very funny. Man. Okay, well, that was a good trip down memory lane. I didn't know any of the names you just said. Tom. I dare you to repeat either one of them.

Okay. Someone. Lisa Kud them. Okay. Someone. Lisa. Lisa Kudrow. Okay. Yeah. You put the accent in the wrong place, but you got all the letters correct, which is a huge improvement for you. Because this would usually be like Lenny Krabopowitz or something.

Yeah. I will give you $10,000 if you can name the lady who played the guitar on the Juno soundtrack that we were just talking about for eight minutes. Alyssa Tomei. What? Was I close? Not even a little bit. What's her name? Kimya Dawson.

Oh, it's the same kind of No, shut up, idiot. It's time for the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Yay. All right, guys. A Washington, D.C. restaurant has expelled a transgender woman trying to use the women's restroom.

Damn, Sarah Huckabee Sanders can't catch a break this week. Here's the thing about Sarah Huckabee Sanders I've realized. She is so ugly. If you make any joke about her, people automatically assume it's about her appearance. Yeah. You know? I don't even think she's that ugly, though. She's super ugly.

Yeah, she's pretty beat. No, I mean, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is like a Midwest Tinder sure why not. Like, that's, you know what I mean? Well, yeah, you're operating in the Keith Carey sexual economy. I'm talking to sheer physicality. The mean boy's horny summer has reached a new low. I'm off the market. This is all just me Hannibal Lectering from behind a fucking cage of pussy.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, you're off the market. This is all just me Hannibal Ectoring from behind a fucking cage of pussy. Oh no, you're off the market. What do we buy? This will be not since the biscuits and gravy chips were discontinued will the fat community have such a bad day. I like that Connor has finally been having more sex than me for like two weeks and now he wants to talk shit.

Well, no, I'm just implying that you're generally worthless. This isn't like, this has nothing to do with me. Alright. It's the same thing we always do. Here's the point. I would fuck Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Like, I wouldn't be excited about it, but if there was nothing on TV and no one else to fuck, I'd be like, sure, why not?

If you and me are doing a gig, and I'm in a bad mood, and we don't want to watch, you know, fucking YouTube videos in the same hotel room, you'd swipe until you hit, you know. I've fucked uglier people. You know what I mean? Oh, you certainly have. Yeah. You masturbated, so I mean, hey, am know what I mean? Oh, you certainly have. Yeah. You masturbated. So, I mean, hey, am I right, guys?

Oh, boy. Oh, whatever. Take this shit back to 2004 with the Napoleon Dynamite talk. Oh, pipe down, you lunk. Why? What the fuck are we doing? Podcasting. I called you guys fat as I leaned all the way back in my chair and burped up a very good amount of Jack in the Box.

Yeah, we need to have an intervention about you burping onto the microphone. If I get a single complaint about it, I will keep doing it. You've received several from us. Yeah, but from the listeners. No, I just mean like it's a gross thing to do. You know how that was a deep burp because I could taste like three ingredients. I was like, oh, there's the sourdough bun. There's the spicy chicken. And there's a tomato. I don't care if you burp. I could taste like three ingredients. I was like, oh, there's the sourdough bun. There's the spicy chicken and there's a tomato.

I don't care if you burp. I'd rather you not. As long as you don't keep farting on me. As long as you do it in the house so I can keep it. Yeah, as long as you keep not farting on me, I'm fine with it. I've been pretty good about farting on you. Yeah, you've been better in the last couple weeks. I don't know how to burp. Did I ever tell you guys that? I can't do it

either. Really? That's why we're so fat. Yeah, I can't. Like if I could just force one burp. Did I ever tell you guys that? I can't do it either. Really? That's why we're so fat. Yeah, I can't. Like, if I could just force one burp out, I'd weigh 170 pounds. Wait, so I can just hop on pop keys and just... Releasing a Macy's Day parade float of noxious chorizo gases. Until you fucking... Until you're a little tiny guy. You just look like an empty toothpaste. And you're like, whoa.

Do you get the thing where whenever you have to burp, you open your mouth and it sounds like a haunted house door opening? It's just like a weird creepy noise coming out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Who did that sound like?

It sounded like a road screen. Bane, Bane. Oh, Tom loves Bane. Hey, guys, we're doing Bane. Every fucking episode. All right, my turn. It never stops. A family of rat...

No, I'm kidding. A family of rats ate $19,000 in cash from inside an ATM. If you'd like to see a gang of scavengers turn hard-earned money into worthless shit, sign up for the Mean Boys Patreon. Oh, damn, dude. I spent five minutes trying to write that same joke. I do have a Mexican joke off Showdown for that one.

Yeah, hit it. Rats devoured thousands of dollars after it was found they were living inside of an ATM. On the bright side, if they're living there now, that means there's a vacancy in Keith's mom's pussy. Damn it. Yeah, utilities are included. The hot water doesn't work in my mom's pussy anymore. Did it ever? Clearly not, because I'm alive.

I'm probably actually trying to hot fire hose me out of her condo. Yeah, yeah. She was like, turn the sink to the right We're trying to do like a boiling bag dinner situation Here Twisted the wrong nipple and it came out with cold water Fucking seal up her A police officer choked out a man wearing a tuxedo In front of a Waffle House.

Make it the fanciest thing to ever happen at a Waffle House. Man, that would be cool. That's like a power move like a southern rapper should do. Just have a big gala in the parking lot of a Waffle House. Not even in the Waffle House, in the parking lot.

They go inside or something and do a music video. That'd be fun. Anyway, Saudi Arabian women are allowed under... Damn it. Saudi Arabian women are on the road today driving after a long-time ban was finally lifted. It's being called the most dangerous day in Saudi Arabian history. They're bad

with motor skills. Oh! They got no hand-eye coordination for anything larger than a needle and thread. That's Andrew Dice's clay. Oh, yeah. Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane has publicly stated that he finds Fox News

to be racist and embarrassing. In related news, the kettle is still reeling after the pot's allegations that it is black. The pot is the guy that does a voice for Cleveland. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's a white dude. I didn't even realize that for a long time.

One of the whiter people that there is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Man, RIP the Cleveland show. I've talked about it a lot. It's a bad show. It's pretty good, dude. All the Auntie Mama episodes were funny.

It was like the Madea parody. It's like that. It's pretty good, dude. Although, he's always getting into shenanigans. That bear that just... I like how the character, the bear, on the Cleveland show, is just like, okay, so Seth, are there any voices you haven't run into the ground yet?

And he's like, Russian, kind of. And they're like, you got it. Ruin it up. Come be a bear. God, imagine thinking anything is as funny consistently as Seth MacFarlane thinks a talking baby is. Oh, yeah, man. What a hard life.

Pat, you, man. What a hard life. Pat, you're up. Border Patrol is stealing the children of illegal immigrants and making them live in an abandoned Walmart. The plan is a joint effort from Customs and Walmart entitled Rolling Back Parents. Oh, I got a blue light special on a crying Mexican. I was trying to think of a better word. I mean, there's a few, but you didn't want to say them.

Yeah, that's a good point. Man, the abandoned Walmart. Because that was like... The poorest episode of Scooby-Doo. Me and my friends were kind of like zombie kids sort of before it was like a big thing, I guess. And they had the zombie survival guide. And it was always like, yeah, find an old Walmart.

So whenever I hear about that, I just think of just like, you know, just being full of teenagers just like, all right, where are the machetes though? Was this not one of the cool redneck Walmarts? I was in so many of those like zombie survival group MySpace pages. Oh, I didn't know they had MySpace pages. Oh, there were a ton of them, dude. We would like have contact and make plans and everything. And then like, it was always a weird moment when you saw somebody drop off and you're

like, oh, they realize this isn't real and they're sad. Yeah, we had a pretty tough moment when we hit 14 or whatever. We're like, I think we just really want our lives to be different. We just like the idea of everyone being dead so we can start over. Yeah, there's nothing here for us. All we really have is each other and we need some outlet for our frustrations. And the hypothetical walking dead of our fellows seems to be the uh the best you know every zombie fantasy just boils down to fucking nerds being like what about a world where i took initiative oh no it'll never

happen that is uh that is hilariously accurate all right all right next joke. According to 3D technology, Julius Caesar had a disfigured head, giving him his new name, Wop-Worf. Oh. That was the most sincerely hurt sound anyone's ever made on this show. Worf from Star Trek.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I was like, is there like a Waldorf that's got a fucked up head? No, he's Italian. He's a Wop, because he's from what eventually became Italy. Yeah. That'd be great to go back in time to up head? No, he's Italian. He's a WAP because he's from what eventually became Italy. Yeah. That'd be great to go back in time to Rome and be like, what's up, you fucking WAPs? And they're like, we don't know what that is. As a matter of fact, we're speaking Latin right now.

Oh, man, just show them a picture of just like a fat Italian just mook and be like, this is where your bloodline ends. Yeah, they're pretty store-clothed. You walk up to Alexander the Great with a picture of the situation just like, no, this is your empire, buddy. This is what you did. Yeah, you're ruling over all of the lands of man

where you're going to die of meatball poisoning. I just love the title. You know what I realized? With speaking of shitty Italians, you know, he used the elephants to fucking fight those people

or whatever. The Hummer is really just the modern day elephant. You know, they really have the same genes. Like, an elephant is as close as you can get

to like a big, dumb, like fucking escalate or whatever you roll up with all your other like goomba meatball fuckhead friends you know you like uh hannibal was the first jersey short cast member that's hannibal was from north africa i guess i don't know a lot about history i'm just trying to do a riff here yeah so then the escalate is the modern yeah he burned down Rome. He wasn't Roman. He attacked it. He was from North Africa.

Here's what happened, Tom. Based on the several strategy games I've played, which is where I get all my world history from, you're incorrect. Why would I be able to build the elephant units if I wasn't? What happened is Connor started that ill-advised riff, realized he was talking about somebody else, and tried to smoothly land the fucking airplane Sully style. I was hoping someone would at some point interrupt me.

Nah, I wanted to let you go. I did to tell you you were wrong. You see that? Yeah. I was like, how many ways can he come up with that a Hummer is like an elephant? The answer is zero. Not really. They're both kind of large.

And you know what I was thinking? Honestly, I was like, they're all staring at me with their blank expressions because they can't comprehend such a smart, accurate riff about history and the parallels between these two. This is from the guy who a WopWorf went over his head. Wait, what were you going to say, Tom? Oh, you're giving me shit for not understanding Tom's terrible joke?

No, I'm giving you shit for not understanding Hannibal. No, Pat was giving me shit for not understanding Hannibal. Tom and I are forming an alliance. Hang on, so I want to... Alliance. Alright, you fat fucks okay look number one i so you're you're mad that he doesn't understand who hannibal is yeah he doesn't remember all the specifics there let me ask you a question remember when we were talking about friends earlier what's the name of that lady from friends when were we talking about

remember we asked you to name two names and you got one right? Can you do it again? I'm convinced that Tom was a really precocious 12-year-old, and he has not been able to retain any information past that point. Wait, I'm sorry. Are you comparing fucking Hannibal to Jennifer Aniston's buddy? Is that what's going on right now? And calling me dumb for it? No, it's just weird the things that you do remember,

because I don't know shit about Hannibal. I know a lot about Hannibal. I like to drink pickle juice on my elephant. But I can tell you the names of the people who spent... No, no, hang on. That was great. You get points. Okay.

No, we can't give points. We might be... Yeah, points got me too. Yeah, we don't really do that anymore. Points. Now you get, I don't know, what do we... Smiley emojis? Yeah.

Yeah. Rapes. No. Pants. Sure. Now you get, I don't know, smiley emojis? Rapes! Pants! Sure, you're going to do a joke. Oh, okay. Anti-virus software mogul John McAfee is recovering after allegedly being poisoned by his enemies. In his first tweet after three days of hospitalization, he wrote, If I was using the trial version, I'd be dead right now.

That's right down the middle. Speaking of points, Chris Hardwick's mother-in-law has spoken out in his defense because if anybody has a healthy grasp on how to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, it's fucking Patty Hearst. Yeah, dude. Who's Patty Hearst?

Patty Hearst. I didn't hear anybody else in the world make that connection. I didn't see it. Oh, okay. I've been actively trying to stay off Twitter. Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, where are you

going to get all your great Spongebob memes like me, dude? You're fucking missing. He's got a lot of stuff going on. I'm so bummed because I didn't see anybody post it. I was like, I feel like a genius. Keith, I'm not saying this to be mean to you. Yes, you are. Whatever you're about to say. We own a show

called Mean Boys and you're my biggest antagonist. That's your only function is to be mean to me. All right. This is why me and Pat have an alliance. Because neither of us understand any of your episodes. Fist bumps. Okay, well, you fucking. You damp maroons.

Well, all right, Bluto, you're a hack. Let's move on. All right, whatever. Patty Hearst was the third lady from Friends. It's Kudrow, Aniston, and Patty Hearst. Who is Patty Hearst? Yeah, I remember that episode. Also, her last name's Hearst?

Remember that episode where Monica robs a bank with Gunther? Well, no, Patty Hearst is, you know that girl that Doug liked? She got remarried to the guy that invented funerals Yeah, Patty Mayonnaise Patty Mayonnaise, did she hyphenate it or it was just Hearst? What an unappetizing name Patty Mayonnaise Patty Mayonnaise Hearst

Dude, imagine getting fucking balls deep in patty mayonnaise. Those are two things that uncooked beef and mayonnaise are the two things furthest from my mind during a sexual encounter. You guys are focusing on the wrong thing, okay? Imagine a mayonnaise hearse. Oh, God. Yeah, I don't have to imagine one. I'm going to see one in 12 years when you die. Yeah.

12 years, that's optimistic. I mean, yeah, it seems about right. Man, he's colored hearse. My friend is dead. Like that Kanye line. Speaking of which, rapper XXXTentacion was shot and killed in Florida. Police efforts to revive the rapper were unsuccessful, mainly because those efforts just involved turning off your body cams

and planting a weapon on the dead guy. Oh, shit. I just love the idea that the cops showed up and they're like, there's a dead black guy, but we didn't do it this time. Do we still follow protocol? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got two knives on him. Nothing better than hearing Pat say, XXXTentacion.

Tentacion, I pronounced it correctly. Tentacion. Tentacion. What are you, Hannibal over there? It's a dumb name. He's not Italian. I know. It's self-deprecating.

Are you worried that people are going to be misinformed after they listen to this very stupid podcast? I want Tom to host a podcast about Hannibal called Tardcore History. I just want Tom to admit that he thinks Hannibal was the dude from the A-Team. After all this, all these riffs. And then the core is me and Shaw wouldn't let me keep spoons for my pudding, so I hid them nobly in my dresser. End quote. It was the first conversation I had with a parrot, but not the last. Oh, Loki. A vest, you dirty scoundrels.

I will rape thee in the butt with a sword. Also, I'm a pirate now. Yeah, Joe pointed it out a long time ago. When he does the battle scenes, it's so fucking good. Where he's just this little nerd and he's just like, And with my last breath I hack at thee. End quote. Now that's pretty scary stuff.

I'm doing a pretty good Dan Carlin right now. I'm not going to lie to you guys. It's not bad. I believe you. Alright. Yeah, I don't listen to him. This joke's pretty bad. A woman got her head stuck in a truck's tailpipe when she decided to see if she could put her head in the tailpipe.

The setup's great. I can't wait for the punchline, but the setup's gold. The truck was heard screaming, why didn't you use lube? This hurts. I should just say setups from now on. A woman got her head cut off after somebody cut her head off.

Oh no, she kept her head in the tailpipe for about 45 minutes and then they sawed the tailpipe off. Are they going to say they sawed her head off? No, but she deserved it. There's this guy in my school who's like, you know when someone's a bully but they're too stupid to even be good at bullying? you know he was just trying to be

like try to be mean and get you like what the fuck are you talking about he got his head stuck between a fence one time and had to have like the noon aids come like butter him out uh so he's just sitting there he's just like on his fucking on his knees with his head stuck in between the fence just like god fucking shut up you guys you. You know, like, stop this. Calm down. We're trying to... Every time you saw him, it's just this fucking dumbass got his head stuck in his bed.

That would be great if they called the cops and they're like, we're not going to fall for the lady in the tailpipe. God damn it. What, do you think I was born yesterday? That was the third time this week. We got more mumbo rappers to not murder. This town has cops from the Andy Griffith Show.

Why is that black guy bleeding so much all over that fancy Cadillac? He was only 20 years old. He was coming, going, I don't know which way he was going. Yeah, this is Don Knotts

arriving on the scene of the XXXTentacion murder. How did he get his blondes? They're blonde up top and they're black down below. I'm so confused. Man, I want to watch Barney Fife go down for police brutality.

I don't know these characters, but I'm enjoying it. This would be a good ass Barney Fife in the wild. Everybody put your goddamn black hands up! You gotta bring that shit to somebody else's neighborhood. That would have been Kong ain't got shit on me. Okay.

WikiLeaks has published information about the identities of ICE agents in a dump being called Clangy's List. Is it Clanny? Oh, okay. Clangy's List.

Can you explain it more? Yeah, so Hannibal was a North African Italian man who loved elephants. And he dreamed of one day riding in a motorized coach with big wheels. It wasn't very fuel efficient. And he rode his elephant right over Bill Cosby's career.

Wait, what? You're going to be like the last person to have a Hummer one day. Like, when you get big and successful, I could see you. And just pretending it's an elephant. That's my dream. Wow, Tom. It's a good diss. No, it was not.

One day you'll have enough money. You're going to buy a Hummer and pretend it's an elephant when you make more money than me and stop answering. Just stop talking about Hannibal. It's offending you so much. I am officially withdrawing from the Pat-Tom alliance. You got no allies left, dude. You're going to fall under the.

Hannibal is my ally. The ghost of Hannibal shall defend me. No, I'm not into it. I'm Italian. I'm going to start reading. A bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. A bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Hey, that's historically inaccurate.

Meet the ball. A drug-addled man was arrested doing push-ups in the middle of a busy intersection he told authorities he was just filming the training montage for his upcoming film crack rocky hey yeah yeah it's kind of a joke he wears the same outfit as regular rocky when he trains it's just a dirty sweatshirt exactly that sweatshirt is just like he's clearly sweat through that thing so much it's fucking grimy in that movie yeah it looks like the wrapper of like a really greasy cheeseburger where it's kind of see-through. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's

the fucking, that's a Keith Carey paternity test. If you hold your baby up to a Wendy's wrapper and you can see through it, it means Keith is a... Wait, are you pregnant? Nope, still says McDonald's. Okay.

All right. Yeah, now let me just check the pH in my gravy jacuzzi. All right, we're looking good. Let's get in, honey. Did you take your cat berry cream egg birth control? Okay, cool. I'm going to fucking raw dick you tonight. Wait for me to get down out of this octave.

This never happening. The king's caring for Charlie and Jackie. I've never seen somebody enjoy their own joke more. You've done 180 podcasts with me. Yes, you have. God damn it, you love you. I'm great. Jesus Christ.

Melania Trump responded to the border crisis with a jacket that read, I don't really care, do you? The move was eerily reminiscent of the time Jackie O showed up to the March on Washington with a shirt that said, LOL, you mad, with three crying laughing emojis. Oh, yeah, when her favorite show was Just Shoot Me. Yeah, God, that jacket is, it's almost breathtaking in how bad of a choice it was. I mean, I just felt bad for the guy who designed that very cool jacket. Yeah.

I would wear that if it weren't that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not entirely convinced she can read, so I give her a pass. That's fair. It did look like somebody just wrote it on her back while she wasn't looking. It's like a kick me sign for the whole media. Yeah.

What's fucked up is it looks like she made it herself or like she had it commissioned. Yeah. So it's just like, oh, man, she made it herself or like she had it commissioned. Yeah. So it's just like, oh man, she got like fucking Kanye to come make her a cool jacket. I was going to say, if Kanye wore that jacket,

we would be talking about it was the greatest fashion choice of all time. I mean, I really hope that Jamar and Neighbors was able to track one down because I believe

he had a coolest monkey in the jungle hoodie that he either had made custom or got before the fucking deadline. Oh shit. Because Jamar's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the thing about Melania is she has an accent so it's impossible to know how smart she is. God, shit. Because Jamar's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the thing about Melania is she has an accent, so it's impossible to know how smart she is. God, that's so true. You know, like, I don't even want to call her dumb because she might be very aware

and just, like, English is her second language. Yeah. Well, I'm just like, all right, who has, like, a weird Russian accent? Like, Vladimir Putin, who's an evil genius,

but also everyone else from Russia who is stupid. So it's like... A bunch of fucking turnip-cuddling mooks. The Italians of further over in Europe. Yeah. I got him.

What? Just do your job. Europe. Scientists played Shakira to fetuses to see if they responded to it. Andrew Dye's fetus kicked out in Morse code. Hey, Doc, I thought you were against late-term abortions, you kooky cuck of sounds. You kooky cuck of sounds. There's so much going on with that show.

I don't know where cuck enters the equation. He's cucking sound. Explain. I'm trying to explain. All right. We should move cuck away from the liberals and just the ideas of a bad thing happening and taking away from the good thing. So you, in your joke, you used the cuck away from the liberals and just the ideas of a bad thing happening and taking away from the good thing. So you, in your joke, you used the word that you had redefined, but you had not informed us of how you'd redefined it.

It worked. Kind of. You were just too dumb to get it. Yeah. No, well, you're... Well, what happened is the cucks watched while Hannibal rode the elephants over the hills of Italy. All right. You and your tubby compadres all fucking gave you a sympathy laugh, and you thought that it made sense.

Did I ever tell you about the music? I just wanted to say tubby compadres. The music we played for my son in the womb? No. We tried Mozart and all that shit, and he didn't respond at all. And then one time we played Humble by Kendrick, and he went nuts. He was kicking the shit out of my wife's stomach. And now to this day

Sounds like somebody who listened to rapper. It calms him down. Like if he's having a temper tantrum we play it and he just stops crying instantly. I thought it was going to be something way later. I thought it was going to be Billy Joel. Didn't you put on something stupid? Oh, he also was really into Limp Bizkit

but I have eliminated that from memory. You know who definitely wasn't? You putting that on your wife's stomach. Yeah, she did not like that. Yeah. So anyway, a top Netflix executive has been fired for using the N-word, but he's landed on his feet and is fielding interviews to work

for HBO Go Back to Africa, Cracker, and Racist Hulu. I had an HBO Go Back to Africa joke that I scrapped. Oh, really? Yeah. Man, something with you and me. We're bonded together, dude. Yeah, our fucking joke period. We're like Harry Potter and Voldemort.

Every time you're around me, I get a headache over there. That was the worst thing I've ever said. Yeah, definitely top five or bottom five. An online debate has broken out whether Tony the Tiger is queer. This is the biggest serial-related moment for the LGBT community since the trans outing of Frankenberry. Was it on Mean Boys or just in personal life where I had a big conversation about Frankenberry being trans? That sounds like enough. Or it might have been Boo-Berry, because Boo-Berry does look like every trans dude I've ever met.

He's kind of masculine, and he's butched up with the fedora But he also kind of has girl face I'm going to pull up Boo-Berry right now Boo-Berry is the mascot for the cereal Boo-Berry He's a ghost in a fedora who loves Boo-Berrys Played Phoebe on Friends I'm way more connected with the cereal community Than the trans community But this kind of makes sense

Look, I have, you know, eaten both A lot of cereal and a lot of trans people Yeah, Boo-Berry doesn't not look like You know, FTM woman Makes sense. Look, I have eaten both a lot of cereal and a lot of trans people. Yeah, Boo-Berry does not look like an FTM woman. I never knew. Like, imagine Boo-Berry with just like a spackly kind of like non-beard. Oh, yeah, like some 5 o'clock shadow? Yeah, like I'm a husky 13-year-old boy and I'm doing my best. I could picture him doing it at Hamburger Mary's.

Yeah, and I don't even think this is an insult. I would probably bang Boo-Berry when he was a person. I never knew Boo-Berry was a thing. It's a food? I'm going to open up a list. It's a cereal, Tom. It was all there in the joke. All the information was presented to you.

Well, no, it was about trans people. Yeah, but it started being about Boo-Berry. Anyway, what? Right. Did you say it was cereal in the joke? Yes. Well, then I have no excuses. That might be the first time

in Mean Boys history you've just admitted defeat. Yeah, it was the first time I was wrong. Yeah, I did this in the Van Damme Academy. Yeah, it's been twice. By the way,

Van Damme Academy bumper stickers coming soon. If your kid is an honors student at Van Damme Academy, you'll finally be able to rep it. All right. Fashion designer Kate Spade has committed suicide. Her death is being called both a senseless tragedy

and a fantastic summer rollout for her new line of floral print body bags. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Pat. That was both hurtful and not that good. You know what? You doing this makes me realize... That'd be like if I was like,

whoa, this Avicii guy made a lot of house music. I wonder if he's also rolling in his grave. Gang, huh? He does ecstasy. That's what you did. I like that your bailout now is Italian guy voice. Oh. Hey.

I have a mulligan joke if you want to see me fail twice. We sure do. Actress Lena Dunham joined the protest of immigrant separations in a Texas border town today. Dunham riled up the crowd by saying, let these children stay. I haven't even had a chance to molest most of them yet. Oh, shit. I like it. You got Opie in the kitchen. Thank you, Opie.

It worked. Do a third one. Opie's in the kitchen with dreadlocks. Opie's in the kitchen, I know. Making weird Caribbean chicken. The house is going to smell weird. Oh, dude, we found Tom's. Tom, you're fucking be a great jug bass guy.

Oh, yeah. No, I didn't. Wait, there's a time where you're briefly trying to be inducted into like to play the jug bass. No, it wasn't a jug bass. It was a washtub or something. It was a it was a washtub or something it was a it was a washtub bass yeah and then you quit you like so that someone was like you got to be the washtub

player for i got it gave me a blister the size of my palm really like yeah on both hands you were too fat to play the fattest instrument ever invented how was that how was that it wasn't have to do with being fat nothing i'm just trying get. Did you lose your job to an animatronic bear? He's going to lose this job to an animatronic bear. I'm pretty much just going to become an animatronic bear at some point. I just love the idea of like, all right, let's go to Tom. If they put a physical bit on the podcast, I'm moving. I'll get animatronic.

If they put my soul, one of the bears at Disneyland, no one would know. It would just be, oh, it said a dumb thing. Let's go get wet down Splash Mountain or whatever the fuck. I almost said Splash Mild. I know that's wrong, but that's what my brain made me say. Why did you say brain? My brain made me do it. Tell your joke, Tom.

Wait, did you already go? Pat went. Pat went. Pat went twice. Oh. Remember when Lena Dunham was there? Oh went. Pat went. Pat went twice. Oh. Remember when Lena Dunham was there? Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

Like a kid. Okay. Yeah. A scientist was shot dead on a camping trip in front of their daughters. If this sounded any more like a superhero origin story, Stan Lee would have ruined the shooting with the cameo. All right. That was pretty good.

Thanks, Hugh. Thanks, Hugh. I do like when Tom is pleased with himself after a joke. He kind of looks to the camera. He does his 70s Johnny Carson thing. He's like, hey, all right. We'll be right back with Jack Hanna Animal Facts. I don't know if I've ever touched the color of my shirt before, but thank you.

Well, yeah, no. All the momentum just stopped immediately. Well, it's too tight up against your skin. You barely continue. You got a lot of neck is the point. Yeah, I know. No, I know. Well, it's too tight up against your skin. You barely continue. You got a lot of neck is the point. No, I know. Well, that was the Mexican joke. We all simultaneously realized we don't like our show anymore.

I never liked your show. All right, well, we'll be back with no Pat. That's why we're an alliance. Damn it, the alliance is back. All right, more Moon Boys in a minute. How the fuck are you, everybody? It's your boy, Mark Malloy, the pride of South Boston, the Irish

hustler, the manufacturer of the finest toilet wine this side of Dorchester. Holy fucking shit, kid. What the fuck is happening in America? I mean, I didn't vote for any of these motherfuckers on account of I'm a convicted felon. Yeah, there was that one time I stole the Mr. Met costume and used it to fuck Mike Piazza's smoke show

of a wife. But every time I turn on Mr. Met costume and used it to fuck Mike Piazza's smoke show of a wife. But every time I turn on the news, it's just fucking, this just in, Rome is burning, and the president just called everyone with Down syndrome the N-word. It's too much to keep up with, kid. I feel the same way about political news that I do when I'm getting yelled at by a Puerto Rican. I don't understand most of the words, but I'm picking up enough to know that something is very wrong, and I'm in a lot of fucking trouble. So that old fuck Anthony Kennedy decided to quit being a judge so he could go spend time with his family. Great, because we all know every family is super fucking excited to spend more time with an 82-year-old man.

Oh, the oodles of fucking memories your kids will make when they ask the waitress at the Denny's to blend up a pork chop so they can pour it down your throat like a fucking baby bird. I'm sure your grandkids are fucking tickled pink for you to sit them by a fire, tell them the story of the time you let the American justice system get butt-plundered by a New York fairy so you could spend your remaining hours on a fishing trip. Look, you fucking fuck, I get it. If you're in politics and your name's Kennedy, you got two options. Quit while you're ahead or quit having a head.

But you couldn't stick around for a little longer until we got rid of this Trump fuck. Now that move's gonna get to appoint another justice, which knowing him will either be Richard Spencer or like the orange Fanta girl. Now go fuck yourself, Kennedy. I'm gonna come to your house and bust a nut in your dusty ass wife while you watch from the bench. How's that for a swing vote, you fucking queer? But hey, I'm not the fucking type to sit around pissing and moaning with my dick in my hand. I'm a solutions guy. It's like my grandma always said, when God gives you lemons, steal a car. That's why I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the Supreme Court of the United States of fucking America. Am I qualified? You bet your fucking nutsack I'm qualified, kid.

I'm serious. I did the math. I've spent more time in a court of law than all nine current justices combined. I've been arrested 372 times on charges ranging from illegal distribution of Japanese erotica to third degree chucking a brick at my ex's car all the way to grand theft Mike Piazza's wife's pussy. And all that time I've learned two important lessons. Number one to have respect for the hard-working mascots of the MLB because holy shit that baseball head's got no fucking ventilation. It was like deep-dicking somebody with your dome's stuck in a fucking Indian sweat lodge. And number two, the law ain't fucking rocket science. I mean, these crusty old fucks come out in their big fancy dresses,

looking like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire on her way to a funeral, and they spend six months figuring out shit that should take like 30 seconds. Should it be legal to refuse to bake a cake for a gay wedding? Absolutely not. Because it should be illegal for a straight man to bake cakes. You telling me you want a straight man's croissant where he's just eyeballing the measurements and shit? Fuck that. I want the delicate, fussy nonsense of a good, queer-made pastry. I got a cousin. He's a big old fucking queen. Kid's taking more shots to the face than

a mafia snitch. And that motherfucker made me a cupcake so good my phone automatically downloaded the complete discography of Cher. To paraphrase the famous nursery rhyme, patty cake, patty cake, baker's man. Don't make me a cake unless you got doinked by a man. And then you got this fucking travel ban where they're not letting Muslims come to America. Fuck that shit. I mean, look, I get it. Islam is a terrifying set of rules and traditions that I don't understand, and it makes me very nervous. It's like Scientology or algebra. But you ask me, you want to keep a bunch of Johnny Jihads from going all friggin' kablooey, you let them into America, and then you let them see what we're packing

out here. Oh, you think Allah's cool? Well, check out what the USA's got to offer, Ahmed. We're talking football, whiskey, those Carl's Jr. commercials where they get supermodels to tongue-fuck a Western bacon cheeseburger. There's this fella who works at the corner store. He's got one of them names. Sounds like you're trying to sneeze and snore at the same time. Every time I go into the store, he's reading their fuckin' squiggly Bible. He's this fellow who works at the corner store. He's got one of them names. Sounds like you're trying to sneeze and snore at the same time.

Every time I go into the store, he's reading their fucking squiggly Bible. He's bumming everyone out. I take him out for one night at Kalani's. I swear to God, the next morning, he sells his prayer rug, uses the money to buy three copies of Ted 2 on Blu-ray. It was fucking bonkers. I could go on, but you get my point. Everybody in Washington is fucking retarded,

and if we keep hiring the same old cunts, nothing's gonna get better. So, I don't know same old cunts, nothing's going to get better. So, I don't know. Vote for me or whatever. Is that how this works? No? It's not a voting thing? Fuck.

I don't know. I'll figure it out. I got to do some research. But first, I got to go make a stop at the Piazza residence and see if I can get my cock ring back. See you around, you fucking queers. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play another round of one of our favorite new games. This is called Lost in Translation. Pat, you've never played this one.

Basically, I went through the Internet. Movies and TV shows have insane fucking titles in other countries. So I found some of those. And basically, we got to figure out which one of these is the real name of the thing. You get it. I get it. It's every Mean Boys game. Here's a dumb thing. Here's several things it might be.

Let's figure it out. Yeah. So let's just start with number one. Which of these dead kids is the most Korean? That's the, you know, yeah. Yeah. The ring? Correct.

Tom's on the board. Wow. Probably a side game Where we just Make Tom feel good I also like that We keep doing this game And it keeps working

Despite you guys Having seen zero movies I've seen more than zero Yeah I haven't seen that many Yeah I've seen I've seen I've seen a good amount of movies

Okay It's multiple choice right I've just seen different movies I'll be fine Alright so round number one And I've mixed TV shows In here a little bit as well Because I found some good TV ones.

So number one, quote, Macaroni Rascals. That is the name of something. Now is that A, Goodfellas, B, Hell yeah. B, Jersey Shore.

Okay, all right. C, Ratatouille, or D, MasterChef Junior. It's got to be MasterChef Junior. That's making me think of Master Chief Junior, which is kids try to be Halo soldiers. The Macaroni Rascals is like a little Rascals

gang that's just me, Tom, and Pat. Yeah, that's what your new podcast is called. Try to steal lasagnas off windowsills. Well, you guys are all about respecting fat spaces. Sounds very Rugrats-y. Okay. But that's not one of the options.

I was talking to Yusef Roach and Katrina Davison when we did the Gateway Show, and we were talking about the white guys that try too hard to be woke. Yeah. We were just talking about that for a little bit. And they're like, so what have you been up to? And I was like, just respecting black spaces. That's my big hobby, just staying out of things. Dismantling the patriarch.

Yeah, you know, all that stuff. All right, yeah, I'm going MasterChef Junior for sure. I know what it is. Oh, that's right. I told you this one. When the first two choices were heavily Italian things, I thought it was going to end up being like a Hannibal documentary. He's not Italian.

I love your annoyed voice You just start sounding like He's a fucking North African Stop Disrespecting black people I didn't see Ratatouille But I feel like That's an accurate name for rats

I'm gonna go with I'm gonna go with that one Okay And Tom you know what it is I do The great dancer B Jersey Shore No way

That's awesome Alright number two. The movie is called The Unbelievable Trip in a Wacky Aeroplane. Now is that A, airplane, B, soul plane, C, snakes on a plane. Black people affording plane tickets?

Preposterous! A, airplane, B, soul plane, C, snakes on a plane, or D, United 93. Can I hear the title again? The Unbelievable Trip in a Wacky Aeroplane. Oh, man, that's got to be airplane, just the movie airplane. God, if you do a remake of airplane now, you've got to have like a 9-11 subplot to it. Oh, I mean, yeah.

That'd be so fun. Yeah, there's someone who's bummed. He's like, oh, man, that's an easy check, but I don't know if enough time has passed. Yeah, just counting down the too soon calendar. Yeah, mean, yeah. That'd be so fun. Yeah, there's someone who's bummed. He's like, oh, man, that's an easy check, but I don't know if enough time has passed. Yeah, just counting down the too soon calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just like, all right, come September 12th, 2021. I legitimately had an idea for a script I wanted to write one time, and then two days later realized it was basically Soul Plane.

It was the worst two days of my life. What the fuck is the plot of Soul Plane? I thought it was just... All right, it's called R&B blimp. Rhythm and blimps. It's called funk dirigible. I'm going to agree with Connor. Okay, it's the Motown copter.

And get this. We can use the technology that they used for Grand Moff Tarkin on Bernie Mac himself. It's going to be fantastic. It's the Jive Jet, guys. Oh, shit. Oh, there you go. I agree with Connor. I think it's just an airplane.

Okay. Okay. So here's my logic on this. I think you think about 9-11 a bunch, so I don't think it's D. That one's about 9-11, right? Well, yeah, I never forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never forget.

I don't think it's A. You know who else doesn't forget? Elephants. You know, what Hannibal rode back home to Italy where he lives. What a weird running joke this is. Yeah, dude, he fucking, well, here's why he got the elephants. They're so good at stomping on grapes in the goddamn vineyards. They're unstoppable.

Dude, Hannibal, that cannoli-eating faggot. Yeah, fucking wearing his big, dumb elephant Armani suit. Dude, motherfucker loves tank tops and gold chains. You're disrespecting Africa. Yeah, dude. Spray-tanned-ass Hannibal. The best general in Italian history. GTL, Jim, Tan, lay waste

to my enemies. A is the most obvious. The fucking macaroni rascal. B is, I think, also the most likely for you to think. And that is why I think it's C. Macaroni rascal is Mike Racine's podcast, right? You think it's C, Snakes on a Plane? Yeah.

Terrific. Tom is wrong. The answer is airplane. Yay. Number three. Speaking of Tom, quote, dimwit surges forth. Dimwit surges forth. Is that A, Forrest Gump? B, The Ringer? quote dimwit surges forth dimwit surges forth is that a forest gump b the ringer c the water boy

or d a beautiful mind that's like five goes west but for being dumb could you read those off one more time yes a forest gump b the ringer c the water boy or d a beautiful mind it can't be a beautiful mind that guy was a hyper genius it It's got to be The Waterboy. Okay. Because I feel like, you know, he's really surging forward in that movie. Johnny Knoxville's dumb, but he's not the dimmest-witted person in that movie. Though that is a movie about retards running, so it couldn't be more. Well, yeah, so is the first one.

That's a very good point that I didn't think of. He's not really racing anybody. He's racing from his problems, you know? And, you know, it turns out the answer was within him all along. Yeah. A dimwit. That's funny. We're talking about 9-11. I forget that Keith was supposed to be on the 9-11 plane, because that's still, like, the eighth most fucked up thing about him.

I know. I forget that sometimes, too. Oh, yeah. Everything that ever happened to me is the worst thing. Yeah, and then you're just like, oh, man, my life is a miracle. But, fuck, remember that one time when my mom did everything? What a terrible miracle. Yeah, you really are. It's just like, oh, man, my life is a miracle. But fuck, remember that one time when my mom did everything? What a terrible miracle. Yeah, you really are.

She's like, wow, so a lotus flower grew in, I'm looking here, Henry Kissinger's asshole. I'm like a shooting star that hit an orphanage. Yeah, yeah. Like, wow, it's so big and bright and ouch. I'm just alive enough to know this is sad. It's not a special needs orphanage. Well, it is afterwards because they have no legs. Oh, yeah.

It was Forrest Gump, The Ringer, A Beautiful Mind, and what was the other one? The Waterboy. The Waterboy. Surges, surges. Okay. I love watching Tom watch these. The Waterboy is also what Tom thinks that Aquaman is called. Yeah, Waterboy, Fly Dude, Robot Black.

Tom is the water on the brain boy. Yeah, I think it could be four. Part of me thinks four is dumb. Yeah, it could be any one of the four because it's a game where you have to pick the correct one. And, you know know all of them are feasible which is therein lies the game you figured it out no the one that's not feasible is is d because it just doesn't make any sense except for the fact they fucking electrocute him but he's not dumb but it's also makes no sense and that's why i think it might be d

okay and that is why. Who guesses D? I'm gonna say A. Okay. After all that. Yeah, Pat hates our podcast that he's quoting catchphrases from. I like Tom. That's one third of your podcast. I'm the worst part. Don't like me. Cotter's here. Yeah, yeah. Hey, we're all terrible.

I'm the guy who edits the podcast. Before you read the choices, I thought it was Forrest Gump, but I think the Waterboy fits better. Okay. But I'm going to stick with my original thing and say Forrest Gump. Cool. You're both wrong. It was the Waterboy. Goddamn.

Suck a dick, dumb shits. I would have gotten so depressed if it was A Beautiful Mind. I know. That's why I put that one in. I legit would have fucking just left the podcast. He was misunderstood. Yeah. He had friends.

He made them up, but they were there. Number four. Lethal trap. Is that A, Die Hard, B, Air Force One, C, Sleepaway Camp, or D, The Crying Game? What is The Crying Game? I mean, The Crying Game is a trap joke. Yeah, it's always Sleepaway Camp. Half these movies are about being trapped by bad guys.

Half of them are about chicks with dicks. That's what they called trans people on 4chan, a trap. Yeah. What's The Crying Game? The Crying Game is about people that fall in love, and then the lady is like, surprise, here's my wiener. And the guy's like, oh, I don't care for that at all. But then later he's like, ah, what the heck. And then he's like, well, time to put my initials in, because it looks like I just got the high score in The Crying Game.

What a beautiful piece of dialogue that was. I've never seen The Crying Game. No, neither have I, dude. I've never to put my initials in because it looks like I just got the high score in The Crying Game. What a beautiful piece of dialogue that was. I've never seen The Crying Game. No, neither have I, dude. I've never had less of a desire to see anything. Does it have Michael Gibson shooting dudes with mohawks? Then I have not seen it. Sleepaway Camp is fun because it's basically the movie Friday the 13th, but at the end, the twist is the murderer is The Crying Game situation. Oh.

It's just like a terrifying dude or a trick of the wiener. Well, I don't know or care, and I have no riffs left, so I'm going to pick A. Oh. It's just like a terrifying dude or a trick of the wiener. Well, I don't know or care and I have no riffs left, so I'm going to pick A. Excellent. What was the name of the movie? There were four movies. No, the four in a...

Lethal Trap. Lethal Trap. And what was A and B? Die Hard, Air Force One. Okay, I'm going to say the sad trans one. Okay, the crying game, I think you mean? Yes.

All right. The Lethal Trap House is how they interpret the wire. But I will go with, what was B? Air Force One. I'll go Die Hard. Cool. Once again, Tom is wrong. It was Die Hard.

A. A. Oh. Is that the first one? What's up? Was that A? Yeah. Oh, man, I'm doing great

I'm batting Kind of paying attention I'm batting 100% wrong Bro I'm straight up Sending booking emails Right now Oh man That's wildly

Disrespectful Why don't you Do our podcast Nah dude I gotta see how many Retweets my Andre9000 Photoshop got Not enough to warrant

The time I spent doing it When I should have been Writing sketches for this show. It's okay. We're all happy. I just feel the tumor in my brain getting a little bigger. No, I'm going to go on Reddit, and I'm going to keep playing, and I'll still beat you guys. God, I hope you get AIDS, dude.

Oh, dude, yeah. Fucking, yeah, I'm not going to kiss you, so I think I'll be fine. You're so gay, I could get AIDS from kissing you. Wait, you can't get AIDS. That's a pretty good joke, honestly. No, it's not. It's pretty good. No, it's not good at fine. You're so gay, I could get AIDS from kissing you. Wait, you can't get AIDS. That's a pretty good joke, honestly. No, it's not. It's pretty good. No, it's not good at all.

You're so gay. Well, it doesn't go through HRV except for one case of AIDS. I know how AIDS works. Gates. Gates. Oh, yeah. I know how AIDS works. You're fucking...

Wait, tongue is too fat to say how gay you are correctly. Can you kiss AIDS into people? What? Can you kiss AIDS into people? Yes? Can you kiss AIDS into people? Yes. Nobody correct Tom. Oh, man. I just want to write a list of facts about AIDS and then see which ones Tom buys.

Oh, man. Yeah. No, you can't give people AIDS from kissing. If you, like, spit on... You just have to bleed in their mouth? If you, like, spit on a scab. You have to get your blood in their blood. So bleeding in their mouth wouldn't do the trick?

Yeah. That would get it done. Yeah. No, that does work. Because there's no vampires in their blood. So bleeding in their mouth wouldn't do the trick? Yeah. That would get it done. No, that does work because there's no vampires in West Hollywood. There's plenty of vampires in West Hollywood. I guess that's where

gay people are. They're sucking blood. Anyway, I got some memes to look at, guys. All right, next one. Well, Tom, or Connor, you suck. Hey, I'm trying really hard.

Now we're flipping it around. I'll give you the real movie name. You have to tell me which of these is the correct foreign name. Number five, Clack. I'm walking you in right now we're flipping it around. I'll give you the real movie name. You have to tell me which of these is the correct foreign name. Number five, Cloudy. C. I'm walking you in right now, and you don't get to change your mind.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Is that known as A, Hamburger Rain? B, Beef Hurricane? This is the story of a hurricane. No, this is fucking Keith's wrestling name. C, Pork from Heaven? Or D, God Has Spilled His Dinner? No, are meatballs pork?'s wrestling name. C, pork from heaven. Or D, God has spilled his dinner. No, are meatballs pork?

Can you make them out of pork? I feel like they're beef. They're pork and beef, yeah. Really? I mean, you know, if you go back to Hannibal's original recipe. Fuck.

The inventor of the meatball. African General Hannibal. Man, he tried so hard. To make meatballs? No, to destroy Italy yeah well it seems like Italy's destroyed him imagine being a historical figure and then finding out

3000 years later this is what's happening and this is the only real conversation being had about you this is your entire legacy and furthermore Alexander the gay you know like no matter how much you can achieve, like, eventually it's going to be like, yeah, fucking, yeah, I guess.

Anyway. They don't speak English. They want to understand us. I would translate it. Yeah. Yeah. We have translation options available. Are you not playing the game, Tom?

We have a UN translator trying to figure out, like, how do I translate gays? Yeah. And then Hannibal puts on his little UN headphones, and he's like, Why are you on the show? Hey, yo, hey, what's up, how are you? I only speak the fucking most disrespectful dialect of your language. I can't wait to find out that Gades is the translation for Philadelphia. Ever Gades.

I should have looked up Philadelphia. That's about a movie about Asian Florida. I thought Gades were those little Gatorade pouches that you don't have. Oh, yeah, yeah, the little Gatorade juice box. Oh, man. Gates, is it in you? I'm going to be completely honest. I'm going to say Meat Rain or whatever the first one was.

Hamburger Rain. I forgot all of them. Okay, Hamburger Rain. No, what's the movie, too? Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Okay, I remember now. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, also your mental state. Hamburger Rain. Again,

everything about Hannibal, nothing about the thing you just heard. Hamburger rain, Lisa Kudrow. Stromboli storm. Who is Lisa Kudrow? Phoebe from Friends. I told a boring story about her 20 minutes ago. Oh, that's who you were referencing? I said her name!

I said her name explicitly. And they asked you to repeat her name, which you did. Tom, we just had a big conversation. We have the recording. We just had a conversation about how Lisa Kudrow rode elephants into Italy to attack the stronghold. No, no. Now you're goofing. For Christ's sake.

A, hamburger rain. B, beef hurricane. C, pork from heaven. D, God has spilled his dinner. I like Pat just pulled out a picture of his son on his background to look at him and be like, well, this is what I'm neglecting you for. I want to just go with my favorite because I've been using logic, throw out all the rest of these, and it's gotten me nothing.

Okay. So my favorite was God left his dinner or whatever it was. My favorite is the one I kind of remember. Cool. I have a joke that nobody's going to get, but Hamburger Rain is my favorite Prince Fielder song. There was a fat baseball player named Prince Fielder. Purple Rain.

He played for the Lions, right? Nope, that's a football team. Oh, no, sorry, the Tigers. No, wait, the Bears. Oh, my. The Jaguars? I meant the Tigers That might have been the most perfectly clean

Tom is a dipshit moment In the history of people Did he play for the Tigers? He did play for the Tigers That's what I meant Wow dude They're both from Detroit Different cat

I knew a thing I said it wrong Hamburger rain Alright cool And what has become the rhythm of this game and my favorite thing in the world? Tom is wrong. You guys are right. God damn it.

I think Tom is 0 for however many we've done. Yeah, I am. I'm going pretty good, dude. Do we have another one? I've got to get one. I've got two more. Okay. All right, this one.

Finding Nemo. Is that A, seabed general mobilization? B, most amusing sushi frolic. C, fish party Australia. Or D, swim quietly, Larry. Oh, shit. Fuck, one of these is right. These all sound like...

Okay. Who's named Larry in that movie? I don't know. I think it might be them. Maybe they changed his name. That doesn't make sense. I think it's Ellen's character. No, that's actually a movie about Larry the Cable Guy going to the YMCA in Compton.

There's no... Can you run through them one more time? Yes. A, Seabed General Mobilization. B, Most Amusing Sushi Frolic. C, Fish Party Australia. And D, Swim Quietly, Larry! I'm going Fish Party Australia. Okay. Yeah. I'll go with Swim Quietly Larry! I'm going Fish Party Australia.

I'll go with Swim Quietly Larry. Okay. Shit. I think it's like we're moving fish tank one. You mean Seabed General Mobilization? Yes. Alright, I hate to say it, Tom is correct.

Hell yeah! And finally, number however many. Dimwit surges forth. Tom, shut off one off South Park here. Oh, yeah. Mr. Hankey is broken into the studio. You sound like fucking David Lee Roth, dude. I don't know who that is.

Shut up, Tom. I don't know who that is, Should I have done it another time? I don't know who that is, but fuck yeah. I hate this. This is Tom as a homeless Cajun man. We're all just carbon and bullshit, baby. We're here. I live in a bucket. I've been scrapping since 98, bitch.

West side. All right, last one. Curb your enthusiasm. Is that A, Hollywood complaining man? B, happiness is impossible. C, Jew attracts many misfortunes. Or D, swim quietly, Larry. Oh, it's got to be happiness is impossible.

Can I hear him again? Yes. A, Hollywood complaining man. B, happiness is impossible. C, Jew attracts many misfortunes. Or D, swim quietly, Larry. He's not swimming in that. Jesus Christ

Tom Does he swim? I've only seen one episode There's 75 episodes It's about him doing rich guy shit I imagine he swims at some point Does he swim in the pilot? I don't think that's the focal point of the show

I don't know, Tom I'm not helping you Follow your Does he swim in the pilot? You can't phone a friend Yeah, and also Like Opie's just finished watching The Pilot of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I remember the pilot.

Hey, shut up, Opie. Is he swimming it? I don't feel like I should tell you. I think it's D. I think he swims in it. At least Opie respects the ethics of the... If Tom's right, I'm going to shit my pants with rage. He's going to be right. Opie just spoiled it.

I'll go with the series of unfortunate Jew events. The 20th century? Is that the title of the show? The correct answer is D. Swim quietly, Larry. Oh, yeah! Oh, baby! That's swimming the pilot.

That was a good one. That's swimming all over the place. Okay. Holy shit. Well, that's it for Lost in Transition. Yeah, boom! You wanna throw out the commercial weird voice, Tom? Okay Holy shit Well that's it for Lost in Trans Kaboom You wanna throw out the commercial Weird voice Tom?

Oh yeah The mean boys will be right back Is life getting you down? Do you feel overwhelmed With the stresses and triggers Of the modern world? Recent studies show That 11 out of 10 people worldwide

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Ask your doctor if walking into the sea is right for you. He probably won't know what that means, but if you act like your back hurts, he'll probably give you a bunch of fentanyl, and that is close enough. Walking into the sea. Ride the wave to peace. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back, everybody. To read your questions and listen to your voicemails in the Mean Boys mailbag. Woo! It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Woo!

It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. That's where we put the new jingle. Yeah.

So, yeah, there's actually no voicemails. But leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. That's 6326 for all you fucking simpletons out there. We love the voicemails. We know we trash you guys pretty hard, but we love you. So please call in. Let us know if you're about to undergo any risky medical procedures or if you've done any vague crimes. Call us, honey.

So at Clifton, you'll ask. We need to put an end to this now. There's not going to be another ace hole situation. I don't love this guy. Yeah, I don't love fucking cry. Dad, the dummy.

Oh, I do my own thing. We just killed Mr. Tom. Tom just turned into like a child beauty pageant contestant of a race that he does not belong to. I'm so beautiful. I quit. I quit this show.

Nobody's listening anymore. This is really bad. My hips refuse to quit. What the fuck are you talking about? I can do it. They refuse to quit, making it hard for me to buy pants. Oh, for God's sake. What would Tom's professional wrestling persona be?

Whatever the fuck he's doing right now. Oh! Is this Mrs. Ear? No. Way to keep the riff alive, my dude. Tom's professional wrestling persona would be any wrestler that just dies at 37 of vague brain trauma. So all of them? Yeah, exactly.

Tom studied improv at UCB. Oh, caboo. Yeah, his wrestling persona would be Chris Benoit, but someone else's cat instead of kids. I feel like my personality would be like, your wrestling persona is brain damaged elf. The discussion is closed. I feel like I'd start fighting and then halfway through I'd either just kick the shit out of the guy or just start punching myself and lose that way. Yeah, you're fucking Cold Stone Steve Austin. Brett the Hitman

heart disease. Yeah, there you go. Nacho Man Randy Sam. You see, Stone Cold Steve Autism? Oh, yeah. How about this one? The Gay Undertaker.

Fucking quadruple H because he's fat. Stupid Batista. Hulk Hogi. There it is. I often play Pat's which of the following old-timey baseball names from episode 75 for people I think I would be reluctant

to listen to the Mean Boys. What other grandma-friendly topics will Pat provide me? I've got a killer game about peanut brittle coming. My mom played my grandma the dressage

which of the following because they love dressage. That's my fucking grandma's Super Bowl is Olympic dressage. She's like, whoa, this horse is the fancy pranciest. Then it's just the dumbest fucking shit.

But yeah, what other dumb old shit do you know, Pat? Has having a kid made you less edgy? I was never edgy. Well, yeah, he's perfectly round. Yeah, yeah. He's like one of those brownie pans where there's no edges.

Less chip on your shoulder. No, I've never been. They're all in his stomach. Am I right? We're bad setups. I'm talking about potato chips. I've never been edgy. Doing this podcast.

Yeah, the only change he gets is from the drive-thru. I'll keep doing it. Pat tried to speak and you literally swatted in his hand. Like he was a child reaching for cookies he can't have. No, daddy has to be mean and loud. Quiet, you. I'm trying to call you fat five times. Hey, it was funny two and a half.

Diminishing returns. Anyway, what? Are you edgy? Or what's your deal? It's the kind of enjoyment you get from curly fries. This is why I don't talk much of the podcast. I'm being 100% genuine. To answer your question, no. No? Okay, but has it changed you at all?

Having a kid? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. If it didn't ruin the edginess, what else could it do? No, I'm just saying I was never edgy. Doing this podcast is the edgiest thing I did. This is my equivalent of the guy who goes to weird sex parties. It is funny because you do Rose Battle, and everybody's like, oh, those Rose Battle people are like, you know, they say anything. And you're just like the nicest man.

Yeah, and Pat's like, I can't wait to have a Dodger dog with my beautiful wife. Yeah, Pat, whose energy is just the only stepdad you're not mad about. You're like, I mean, my mom had to get remarried, but Pat's the guy. My goal has always been to be the most non-comedian comedian on Earth in terms of personality. That's a great goal. But what's the biggest thing that's changed in terms of your personality? You killed the first part. I'll tell you that.

You're not a comedian. Yeah. I mean, there's a whole person I got to take care of. And like, you know. I know exactly how you feel. Here's what it is. You can't just make decisions to go do a thing without checking in and making sure that you have all your bases covered.

Whoopsh. Whoopsh. Whoopsh. Jesus Christ, dude. You're sliding over from being a parody of the guy we hate to just being the guy we hate. Oh, he got there two segments ago for me. That was the beginning of the show. Yeah. No, I believe Bruce.

Stand by detective work, Tom. Hey, I know how to crack a case. A case of mystery? What do you think we all get red-pilled? You know, I mean, that's common. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait, you're getting red-pilled?

No, no, no. I'm not. Who? The real answer about the kid is it's made me a better person, but I thought that that would give Connor fodder for like 20 minutes, so I didn't want to say it. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, yeah, no. You're a good father. I got you, Mark. Yeah, he's a good dad so I didn't want to say it. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, yeah, no. You're a good father!

I got you, Mark. Yeah, he's a good dad. I don't know. Pat's great. I love Pat. His father's awesome. Anyway. Well, good luck.

Next question. Why is Pat so... No, I'm kidding. What are some ideas for small ways to rebel against the man without risking life and limb? Well, do what I do. I protest every day when I get lemonade in my Chipotle cup. That's a good one.

That's just mild theft. Yeah. To rebel against the man. It is hard because it feels like it's like you either just throw a pipe. The man's going to win. Yeah. Right. Have a good time.

Yeah. Basically, it's find the less upsetting version of the man and just hang out over near that. I think there's just too many men. There's a bunch of big mans. Yeah. Why isn't anybody asking how to strike back against the woman? Oh, go camping. and just hang out over near that. I think there's just too many men. There's a bunch of big mans. Why isn't anybody asking how to strike back against the woman? Oh, go camping. Nah, the man doesn't have control of the national parks.

The National Park Service is a division of the government that is failing. It's a division of Manco. But it's one that drains money. It doesn't provide any income for the it's one that drains money it doesn't it doesn't provide any income for the government it just drains money okay but so we all go live in a park go we all go to yellowstone yeah go camping i say split your rent 12 ways and refuse to pay water and power there you go all right we're six more people uh yeah no sincerely you're doomed uh it'll never there will be no great collapse. Everything is just going to get more and more expensive.

You're going to make less and less money. Every couple of years, you won't be able to do something else. And then eventually, we're just going to be fucking slaves. I like Joshua Tree. I have a genuine, sincere answer to this, which is if you really want to strike against a man in a small whatever way. Make anything. Make a thing, whether it's a piece of art or a fucking functional thing. That's a good one. Create anything rather than just consuming what has been given.

I agree with that. That's a great answer. And also camping. Yeah. Camping is great. Make yourself a cooler and then go on Tom's fucking wilderness, eat a fish with my hand jamboree. Write a book in Refugio or something.

What? It's a campsite. It's in central coastal California. Wasn't he the kid from Hook? That's exactly what I was thinking! So, Hook, we gotta make a weird monkey that knows which lions are the chosen ones.

Wait, what? The riff went nine different directions. Your point was genuinely good. Well, Refugio is one of Hannibal's most trusted Italian generals. We gotta go through the woods! Oh! If you were to get a part on a show, but the show itself supported something you were ethically opposed to, would you take it? Yes. Example, would you play a gay stereotype for right-wingers to mock?

I mean, Connor does every week. Uppity Nancy. you play a gay stereotype for right-wingers to mock i mean connor does every week uppity nancy uh i don't know that's i mean that's true like i mean if you want to be as clear as like oh this is like you know the faggot queer face like and we're throwing tomatoes at him i probably wouldn't do that but it's like i don't know i work for i you know in what limited small capacity for big multinational companies that I'm sure aren't doing a bunch of amazing things. Oh, most definitely. You know, it's like I'm not like directly like, hey, I'm like, you know, the Nestle's new

Twitter guy or something. And it's like, yeah, their cocoa beans are picked by, you know, kids with no fingers. Yeah. Because they were nibbling them off because of all those delicious cocoa beans. Cocoa beans don't actually taste very i know you got it yep i was trying to do a riff this is a nuanced issue like is the roll sag eligible i feel like all your rolls are sag eligible

you're a floppy bitch yeah it depends on if it's something i like that i'm like if i felt like i was selling out i wouldn't do it i think there's a degree between like is it a thing that i just disagree with or is it a thing i find harmful yeah you know what i mean like i would do a show that i think is dumb or that i think is like i don't really like this idea but like i would maybe consider working for it yeah but if it's something i think is like actively shitty and like hurtful to people i like yeah i mean i would maybe do like i've always fantasized about getting something like that and then just crashing and burning it so hard you know yeah oh that would be great oh yeah yeah just like fucking you know what to whatever degree i could be fucked over back i think we'd be buoyed

by people finding it hilarious isn't that what the producers is kind of yeah yeah see i saw a movie but this is another way we're having a kid changes your perspective. Because, like, all right, stop bragging about your lack of love. A hundred percent. Yeah, I got a family to feed now. I will feed into whatever stereotype you want. Can you allude to some of the writing work you've been doing? Or is that confident?

You know which one he's talking about. Yeah. Are you talking about my Cheez-It campaign? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what? Oh, well, I mean, that doesn't help. This is completely different. This is a product that you wholeheartedly endorse.

You campaigned. You were door-knocking for Cheez-Its. You were doing phone banking. The whole bodily endorse. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've been doing a lot of branded content, and one of the jobs I did recently was for a new variety of Cheez-It that's coming out. Is it biscuits and gravy?

You're thinking of Triscuits and gravy same parent company uh and they just send like a 30 page powerpoint presentation uh with a bunch of like dopey marketing like slogans built in like we want to penetrate the market for the ultimate binge television watching snack you know it's just corny shit like that and i jump at those roles if anybody has those gigs to give me oh yeah i sell out every day and i was like so what are you pitching? Like, Orange is the New Snack? And he's like,

that was the first one I sent in. That was literally the one that they were completely on board with. Yeah, yeah. I submitted the idea. I wrote Orange is the New Snack. Here's what I'm saying. Nilla Wafers, get at me, all right?

You've got an untapped market of writing potential right here at your fingertips. I wrote a bunch of ideas. Snack Mirror, right? What's that? Have we done Snack Mirror? Yeah, that was the second one that I just brought up to bat. Well, what happened? I wrote a bunch of ideas. Snack Mirror, right? What's that? Have we done Snack Mirror? Yeah, that was the second one

that I just brought up to bat. Well, what happened, I wrote a bunch of ideas that I really liked and then at the end I was so burnt out I just wrote Orange is the new snack

and in parentheses I don't even know what this means. And they responded, they're like, we love the Orange is the new snack campaign. Can you give us five more of those? I can't believe they needed

to pay you to come up with that. It's embarrassing. Anybody at the office up with that. It's embarrassing. Anybody at the office could have just... It's embarrassing. How is that not like, yeah, we should have pun names like, I don't know, Orange is the New Snack. Not that a good one, but something like that. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I ran out three or four of them in, and I was like, cheesier things, which doesn't even rhyme with stranger things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the check's still cashed. So yeah, I would take that role. Cheesier things. So what are we talking about?

The This Is Rad podcast? Breaking cheese? Snacking bad, bro. Yeah, you know what's funny is, like, that is, like, I would absolutely take that job as well. And I don't begrudge you for taking it at all. Somehow that bums me out more than the idea of doing a show where I had to be, like, a coon for gay people. Like, at least, like, if you're working for a hateful show, it's like, well, they have a point of view.

I don't like it, but they're making some sort of statement. The only statement they're making here is cheez-its are good. I like how they throw out a hypothetical, like would you play an over-the-top gay character, and Connor's been on TV once, and it was wearing a rainbow print leotard and making out with you? Yeah, the answer is yes, I would do that because I'm going to make my friend $130 before taxes. South

cheese? South Park's not even on Netflix, you goon. Oh, it's for Netflix? Well, yeah. Oh, I thought it was. No. South cheese is good. Keep going. Black cheese? You're just adding cheese or snack.

Rick and cheese? The Cheeseland Show? That one's too good. Too good. Get it off the table. The problem is nobody's ever binge watched the Cleveland Show except for Connor. Family cheese? Shut up.

Oh, what other TV shows exist? Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Tom, name seven cheese-themed television shows. Oh, my God. Cheddar Call Saul. Oh, shit. I got. Tom, name seven cheese themed television shows. Oh my god, Cheddar Call Saul. Oh shit. I got an email to send.

I'll be right back. Friends and cheese. Pat just remodeled his kitchen from this podcast. Cheddar Call Saul. I like that show. Two and a half bites?

Nope. Two and a half cheese. You guys, we haven't gotten one good thing out of what we're doing. God, what other TV shows exist? Who is still listening to this program?

Oh, fuck. Mean cheese. Game of Cheez-Its? Oh, shit. Stranger Things, but they eat Cheez-Its? Cheez-It to Beaver. Oh, goddammit. Everyone's binging Leave It to Beaver, you know?

The worst part of this podcast. Oh, Malcolm and the cheese. Yeah, that's everyone's reaction gifs. Me when I realized Leave it to Beaver's on Netflix, you know? The worst part of this riff is that I found out I'm not even the most qualified for this shitty job at this table. No, that's exactly what you found out that you are. Because, again, we're bad at this. Oh, coming from the guy with Cheddar Call Saul. Okay, I hit one good one. That's that you are. Because, again, we're bad at this. Oh, coming from the guy with cheddar coleslaw.

Okay, I hit one good one. That's all you need. Yeah, take it. Yeah, I will. It's all mine. Gouda. Stop. No, I want to hear it.

This needs to end. This is cheese company. That's pretty good. Yeah, okay. So, Pat, you got anything you want to plug? I got a great podcast called Pat and Jeff Like Sports. If you guys like sports listen to it and cheese pat and jeff like cheese that makes sense uh yeah dude tom what do you got

when does this come out thursday thursday uh this weekend i'm at house comedy club come see me you fucking you shitty child prince uh It's fucking July 10th. I have a phone call with my food stamps worker to verify my income for the month of June to see if I still qualify for benefits. Nobody tell her about our Patreon. Nobody do that at all. Yeah, no one hit up. I almost said her name is a bit.

I was like, no, it's a bad move. Let's leave a few things sacred. July 10th, I'll be at the clubhouse in Placent no, it's a bad movie. Let's leave a few things sacred. July 10th, I'll be at the clubhouse in Placentia. It's a good show. Come on out. So come listen to my phone call

and then go drive down to Orange County and see Tom. Yeah. Let's see what I got. July 13th and 14th, I will be headlining comedy off Main Street

in Phoenix, Arizona. Please come out to that. It's being hosted by some vague boob lady. The flyers are all just like, yeah, this guy's headlining, but look at this lady dressed like Power Girl with a sweet rack that's hosting. I'm like, neat. I bet

she's cool. And cheese. Yeah. July 27th to 28th, I'm at the Chico's in Clovis or Fresno, whatever you call that. And then the first two weeks of August, me and Connor and Tom will be up in the Pacific Northwest in Seattle, Portland, Bellingham, Eugene, all over that motherfucker. We'll be announcing dates for that very, very soon.

Northwest specifically. Yeah, dude. So get on the damn email list. Pat, thanks for coming in. You're always a treat. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Yeah, you're a good man.

Thanks, dude. The alliance is back on. Wait, it was off? Yeah. You didn't have the hard to start. Fuck off, Pat. All right, that's the show. Fuck everything.

God is dead.