Mean Boys - EP 138 - Boogie Border Patrol (feat. Brendan Sagalow, Mike Feeney & Mike Cannon)

Episode Date: July 3, 2018

Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to The Irish Goodbye podcast:https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/irish-goodbye-podcast/id1195298076?mt=2 Subscribe to our [YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California Follow our guest Mike Feeney on Twitter: twitter.com/iammikefeeney Follow our guest Mike Cannon on Twitter: twitter.com/iammikecannon Follow our guest Brendan Sagalow on Twitter: twitter.com/brendansagalow Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Intuit TurboTax Business. Introducing TurboTax Business, a brand new way to file your T2 with confidence. Maximize every credit and deduction for your business as you file with help from our experts. Whether you're running a food truck, a fitness studio, or a flower shop, TurboTax experts can help you find write-offs you might miss and credits you never even heard about, ensuring you get the most from your return. Intuit TurboTax Business, New from TurboTax Canada. Some regional exclusions apply.

Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. Hey everybody, it's Keith, Tom, and Connor from the Mean Boys podcast. Well, what? Yeah, what is it? Were you Rick Ross about to start a freestyle? Mmm. Oh, dude.

Mean Boys. Let me turn down my headphones before you do that. Jesus Christ. Delicious audio. Tom is freshly shaved and kind of looks like a flesh-colored Grimace. Oh, yum, yum, yum. Yeah, you look like the tan crayon. You look like it's been worn down for a while.

Yeah, because it's been in a retarded child's mouth. So this is the podcast. Yeah, this was a great episode. We had Mike Feeney mike cannon from the irish goodbye podcast over on cast digital give that a listen yeah and brendan sagalow and amy schumer of being a relevant fame yeah brendan sagalow of getting bumped by amy schumer notoriety yeah we didn't really discuss it i mean it's been it's been covered over it yeah yeah he's uh yeah he's real funny though oh he's great. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Amy Schumer funny, I don't know, but he's good.

This is a fun joke. Our first episode was six people, so it gets pretty chaotic, but it's a good time. Yeah, guys, we had to borrow equipment from Kyle Clark to do this. Yeah, yeah. And do you know how hard it was for us to ask Kyle to do us a much more successful podcast a favor? Yeah. I mean, we felt really guilty about it, but I'll be goddamned if I'm setting aside $70

to buy my own H6 capsule. Yeah, it was like bumming a smoke from the Vietnam vet amputee in front of the 7-Eleven. Yeah, and then riding away in a bird scooter. So leave us a review on iTunes. We're only 88 reviews away from interviewing Keith's mother. That seems appropriate.

Yeah, that is. I didn't even put that together. Eighth letter of the alphabet, H, HH, Heil Hitler. It's a neo-Nazi number. Look out for it on usernames of people that you might try to fuck on an app so you don't accidentally go on a date with a racist. Anyway, this guy writes. Or they were just born in 1988. That could be the case.

For a long time, all my life. If my math is correct, there's only a 1 in 2018 chance that they were born in 1988. Pretty sure I'm correct with the math on that one. What? No, yeah. There's been 200 in 2018 years. 200 in 2018? Yeah, yeah.

That's already wrong. There's been more than 2018 years. Not in my Bible. I'll tell you that. Why do you think it's called after Christ? It's not. Because before that, there was nothing. Oh, that's after death you think it's called after christ it's not uh because before that oh that's all after death yeah it's actually that's not it uh uh anna domini yeah yeah yeah you got it anyway 88 more reviews so keith's mom gets to talk at us uh yeah so uh this

guy writes actually funny five stars passive aggressive yeah these guys and their guests are as good or better than some of the big comedians' podcasts. The Mexican Joke, I was always fantastic. I like that he wrote this like my mom. Like, you're really a lot better than some of the big comedians. Take a hike, Marin. I like when Joey doesn't know how to use air quotes on Friends and he does them closer together. This is the only funny thing that ever happened on friends, except for the monkey who,

you know, honestly got typecast, uh, but, but from his, uh, the time on that show. And I hope that Gunther's doing well.

Um, we have a Patreon. If you just can't, if this is not enough for you, which I mean, how could it be? So if you, yeah,

$5 gets you access to bonus content. We do a bonus episode every week. Uh, they range from us talking about our childhood to us having full-on mental collapses. If you want to get the inside dirt with my latest sexual insecurities,

that's behind the paywall, baby. That's where we hide the dirt. Oh, and $10 a month, god damn, you get yourself a little goody in the mail. And this month, I've made some Jean-Claude Van Damme Academy bumper stickers. They rule so hard. If your child is an honor student at the John Claude

Van Damme Academy. I like that, Tom, your entire business of your life is just monetizing the most humiliating things. Not only did you not get into the school, but you remembered something about it wrong because you were a child, and then now I'm sending one to hundreds of people.

I gotta send one to the Van Damme Academy. Oh, dude, fuck yeah. Yeah, I will absolutely do that. Yeah, we're 100% doing that. Dude, I will say that offline. Offline. Offline, yes. I'll send it to a tin can.

Yeah, I'll say that IRL. And then fill out our tour sheet because we love going on tour and meeting you guys, hanging out, getting into wacky shenanigans. You know, we're always kicking it at the diners afterwards

with a bunch of creepy dudes. Yeah. And I got to tell you, I love every second of it. So go fill that motherfucker out. It's in our Twitter bio. It's in the show notes. And yeah, go do that.

Let us know the closest major city you want to come see a show in. How many friends do you have and whether or not we can sleep on your couch and we'll plan a stop in your town soon speaking of tours if you're in the Pacific Northwest speaking of tours speaking of tours speaking of tours

orcs I don't know yeah we'll be in the Pacific Northwest the first two weeks of August Seattle Portland Bellingham fucking Eugene. We're going to be all over the place. Yeah, including some live Mean Boys events featuring the one and only Tom with the gossipy. Yeah.

Yeah, flying up to. You looked around like you're like, who? I'm featured now? What do you mean? I don't know. Continue. We're going to be in the northwestern part of the United States, and I will be at the live Mean Boys shows. Tom shaved off his beard, so now he has...

He usually scratches his beard while he's thinking of something dumb to say, and now he's taken to rubbing his entire head. It feels so good to rub my head. He looks like you're trying to summon a genie out of your fucking skull. You look like fucking Sinead O'Connor moisturizing. It feels so good. Everyone, please ask before you touch my head. Wow.

Yep. Tom's head has vampire rules. You please ask before you touch my head. Wow. Yep. Tom's head has vampire rules. You gotta be invited to enter. That was a very important lesson. Oh yeah, and let me just go ahead and say that also applies to Opie. I haven't spoken to him about it, but I can't imagine... I actually have never

touched Opie's hair. You know why? Because I'm a good white person. Oh, I've touched it. I'm one of the good ones. It's pretty cool. I've never touched it. Have I been waiting for him to fall asleep with his door unlocked? Do I check every single night? Yes. But one day he'll slip up and then that's when I strike. Am I quietly shawshanking a hole in the wall?

Yeah, yeah. Follow us on Twitter, on Instagram, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Jump on the Reddit. Yeah, jump on the subreddit. Enjoy such scintillating discussions as, Connor, please stop burping into the microphone.

Yes, thank you. And what kind of swords do you guys all have? Which I think is our most populated thread. It's a very, but yeah, then there's like, you guys like books? You know, it's a lot of fun. What I'm saying about our subreddit fans is they're all very literate sword enthusiasts.

And you know what? Go in there and start radicalizing people. All right? The fucking tools are at your disposal. Share a couple of Jordan Peterson videos. Okay? Hey, don't do that. I want to be on medium.com by the next episode drop.

I will nuke this community before we become those people. Yeah, well, you already use our bathroom, so we'll survive it. All right. Yeah. All right. With your irradiated bowels. Oh, you got a tramp stamp of a hazmat symbol, my dude. Your poops are gross.

Yeah, you got it. But other than that, all you got to do now is sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode with two mics and a dyke. Which is what I'm calling our guest Amy Schumer. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. When you die, you're not even gonna trend. My name's Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And we're the Three Stooges of Date Rape.

You guys look like you're gonna move a piano and then menace a woman in an alley. How did you know my TV pitch? Yeah, dude. We know the gas digital business model. Yeah. No girls allowed. Start shit with opinionated woman and then wait for the factory workers of America to run to your side. There you go.

That's written on the banner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's in Latin beneath the fucking clip art logo where a guy is is shooting himself in the head with a gas pump, I guess. Sig Semper, Puerto Rican saying the N-wordist. Yeah, where it's like during the marketing meeting, they're like, I don't know, could this be edgier?

What if we incorporated suicide into the iconography? The day we got booked on Skankfest, we're just shitting on Gas Digital immediately. Well, because you're a bunch of stupid-ass clowns, and you all think you're MMA fighters, and I hate you. This is also the eighth day of our trip, so this is like when a joke of that magnitude... I'm like, I'm ready to fucking throw down.

God, if this is the one where Conor finally gets punched... Damn, man, this guy's watched so many YouTube videos about jiu-jitsu. I'll have you know I don't. This guy's been blocked by so many staff writers for Reductress. He's really hardcore.

The funniest part is Tom definitely looks way more like he's part of this crew than our crew. Yeah, black t-shirts. Yeah, he's an exchange student from within our crew. Yeah, black t-shirts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's an exchange student from Mookville. Mookville. Yeah, yeah. Fucking, yeah,

thanks for coming on the program, guys. Thanks for having us. Tell us about the Irish Goodbye podcast. Yes, tell us. Brendan's not on it, but he... Not even on that podcast. Yeah, yeah.

He was, but Amy Schumer took his spot. Hey, ooh. Oh, you're Schumer? I'm not. I'm not. Yeah. One more person brings Amy Schumer took his spot. Oh, you're Schumer? I'm going to fucking find. Yeah. One more person brings up Schumer. It's only been a month, and I think I've heard that word, Schumer, like 17,000 times.

You remember when Taylor Swift put out that tweet, and she was like, I never wanted to be a part of this story, and I haven't since one month ago. Yeah. I mean, you can't be surprised people keep bringing it up, though, right? Considering it's literally the only reason that people know people. Yeah. It is for sure the only reason we said, sure, bring Brendan. I mean, you guys, the bump you guys are going to get. I mean, we're going to get a dozen of new listeners.

What you're doing is like when Monica Lewinsky was like, I'll come on the show, but I just want to talk about my line of handbags. Yeah. I know. I know. You're right. I just want to talk about my line of handbags. Yeah. Just tell the fucking story. I know. I know. You're right. Tell the story about when you got 100% right.

You ginger ape. That stage talk by Hollywood Fat Princess. People are going to want to talk about this. Just call her Hollywood Fat Princess. When that happened, I made the mistake of going. Don't take Keith's AOL username. I made the mistake when it happened. I'm going on like Reddit and 4chan and everything.

Oh, hell yeah. They were all just like, they're both fat pigs. They should die. I like they couldn't even let you have it. We hate her, but also you're still fat. Yeah, they have to bring it up. Yeah, and then someone writes the thing, actually,

Amy Schumer is a thin woman. The guy's still fat, for sure. Yeah. That would be fun if you came out with some sort of thing celebrating your curves. You should have done an entire campaign. Oh, yeah. There's nothing to celebrate. Your boy's

pretty or whatever. Yeah. Brendan Sagalow presents Trying to Keep My Zipper from Exploding. The Husky Man Boosty. Brendan Sagalow in the Ken movie. Coming soon to develop in hell after everyone gets their fucking internet candies. Ken has a divorced father.

Is there a more unfortunate last name for a fat dude than Sagalow? Yeah, of course. Sagalow Sweet Cherry. Sagalow is a bad name for a fat guy, but i think it's a bad name for a skinny person yeah i say it from a sympathetic place like duffy is a fat is a terrible yeah duffy just sounds like it's a mouthful of loose caramels yeah i just found that i just realized you have like a classic car tattooed on your arm that better have belonged to a dead relative my father killed himself in it. That's actually Guy Fieri's car.

I just wanted to see what would happen if I... It's just this donkey saucer on the side. Yeah, it's an ice cream car. Also, he doesn't know what car that is. I just didn't know Flavortown had a Wienermobile. It's green. What year? 64, I think. You shouldn't be

guessing. I asked him when he was getting them. I said, what is it? That's not a Thunderbird because there's not a puppet driving it. That's a Thunderbird joke, everybody. That's one for my dad. That is an insane reference for no one. I don't get it.

It is a show about puppets that had, like, spaceships and shit from the 70s or something. That was from your first life as a vampire? Yeah, yeah, before I hit the Lazarus pit and really hit the reset button on my whole life. So, yeah. What's your fucking dumb podcast for that? We do the Irish Goodbye Podcast. It's a storytelling podcast mostly about talking about being too drunk and too stoned and us embarrassing ourselves in public. It's the perfect trip for that.

Yeah. It's basically been that. Have you guys gotten any bullshit while you've been here? We bought one of those now illegal edibles. So it was legal last night, a thousand milligrams. And then today they said

they're taking them off the shelves. Yeah, July 1st. We took a corner of it and we were not supposed to be in public. We took a corner of it,

went out to dinner, drank, went to the store, woke up, still stoned. Did you say a gay Mexican restaurant? Yeah, that's where we went. We went to a gay Mexicanoned did you say a gay Mexican restaurant yeah that's where we went

we went to a gay Mexican restaurant it was just a Mexican restaurant in West Hollywood so a gay Mexican you were just at a Chipotle yeah

we were just at your gay gas station getting some gay 7-up yeah is this your guys first trip to LA or have you guys

been out here before? No, we've been out a few times. I met Mike when he came out to do a roast battle. He fought Anna. Oh, nice, nice, nice. What's your overall take? Let's do a little East Coast, West Coast impressions, I guess. I don't know.

That seems like the kind of boring shit people want to hear. Do you guys have anything you like about L.A., don't like about L.A.? I think it's spread out a little too much for my liking. I feel like if I lived here, I'd be isolated and alone and sadder. Oh, yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, I mean, you know, I should be social, but it's like 15 minutes. Yeah.

And being sad in New York is the best because you can always look outside and be like, oh, I shouldn't be out there anyway. But in LA, there's like this beautiful option, and you're sad inside. There's nothing weirder than being depressed near the beach. It's like, oh, fuck me. What is my excuse? Dude, I was in a psych ward that had to You know how hard it is to brood underneath a palm tree? Wait, really?

Yeah, it was such a bummer. Watching somebody boogie board through bars? Yeah, meanwhile, there's bulletproof glass on the other side I'm looking through. I'm like, okay, yeah. You went to fucking the Passages Malibu for retards or whatever? Yeah, it was in Orange County. It was just like, cool, I see all these hot people, and they're all happy.

And I just kind of, like, they didn't have curtain options, because they don't want you to fucking hang yourself with them. So it was just like, I guess I'm just staring at asses from a half mile away. They can't even... The amount of things that they get rid of when you go into a psych ward. They're like, you can't have shoelaces. Let's peel this back. I've never been to a psych ward. I'm very normal. No, no, no.

He's just judging you. You would think the psych ward would have shutters at least. No, no. They want you... Maybe blinds? They want you to be in the sun so everyone just hangs out in the kitchen Yeah, because that's what's really causing all your problems No vitamin D Really just seems like they're lowering the property value

of this beach You're trying to have a good time at the beach and you look over and there's Tom just glaring out a window Oh, you can't see it from where you're at Yeah, there's nothing better than playing volleyball where a person with a thousand yard stare is fucking looking at you. Yeah.

Weeping, eating a pudding cup. Yeah, you're just staring. Staring your wrist with a plastic spoon. Just staring out into them. Oh, that is so much realer than you think. I have a story about stealing spoons. They take your fucking silverware away. Yeah, well, they fucking tried to.

Not on Tommy Goss's watch. That was my fucking Braveheart moment. Yeah, you Christopher Walken'd a bunch of fucking barbecue cookware so you could fight back against the man. So you could start a moonshine band. Just so I could eat pudding more conveniently. That was really... You only need

one spoon. Yeah, but I... It was a statement. Maybe two if you're like This was before he started drinking it with a boba straw, which is where he's at now. There's also mental hospital pudding, so you'd put the plastic spoon to dissolve like acid.

Oh yeah, like the Who Frames Roger Rabbit pudding. Where are you getting your information? I'm making it up. Obviously. Psych hospital pudding is the best pudding. I have no idea what I'm talking about. That's not a Firebird. Pudding is not acid.

You're talking about hot dog. You said it's the best pudding. That's like when people are like, nothing better than a hot dog and a baseball. It's still a fucking hot dog. No, nothing tops psych ward pudding. Really? Nothing. It's because there's Ativan in it.

Yeah, yeah. Because they don't trust you to take it. They don't trust you to take it. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it. Yeah, yeah. Because they don't trust you to take it. They don't trust you to take it. You get numb for some reason. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's filled with something. That's like a dog who's like, there's nothing better than vet cheese. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's full of oxycodone, Scruffy. I just picture them handing the meds to every other patient and then drugging you like a rhino. Like a wad of loose meat with a pill just wedged in the center. No, that wasn't the case. I've actually never been booty juice, surprisingly enough. Booty juice is when you're spazzing out and they'd stick you in the butt with some sedatives. They get a bunch of the smallest, shortest fucking nurses to come and tackle you.

And then they have... They fucking... I imagine they look... You know when a really small Mexican woman just looks like a fighting Pokemon? You know, where it's just like... Oh, man, I'm getting an IV set by a Hitmonchan right now. I thought booty juice was the name of the gay Mexican restaurant.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't drink the water. The carne asada fries are booty juice? Yeah. I've taken Seroquel before. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, dude. I've been on that. I wasn't prescribed. I just took it because my friend was. Oh, you fucking idiot. I'm not sorry anymore. Why would you do that? I'm sorry. I've been on that I wasn't prescribed I just took it Oh you fucking idiot I'm not sorry anymore

Why would you do that Sorry he just has a problem I took it and drank like six beers I'm glad I didn't die but I was like Pulling fucking pictures off the wall and shit I was out of my mind Could you even walk You had like a cat woman breakdown

I started sewing I just cut my dick off like I'm in Wu-Tang. I put on all the worst Prince songs and I just spazzed out. Oh yeah, Wu-Tang, the kill of bees with no dick. Kill of dees, if you will. Who was that that chopped his dick off?

It was some loosely affiliated Wu-Tang. It was like a Wu-Tang house representative. Red Man? He's an honorary Globetrotter, alright? He's the tail boy for the Wu-Tang house representation. Red Man's in their Pennsylvania charter. It's like, yeah, it's one of those, like, he's an honorary Globetrotter, all right? He's the cowboy for the Wu-Tang Clan. Yeah, yeah. Well, guys, thanks for coming in. I think we're all fired up.

What do you say we get into the old Mexican joke-off? Ay, so topical. Let's do it. I'll take us away this week. A family of 11 people were found hanged to death outside of New Delhi. When he heard the news, Keith Carey asked, so is that New Delhi still open or what's the deal? You fucking clown shoes.

Fuck you for being fat. This is how I motivate you to emotionally eat so I can continue to write material. I know. Every time I lose a pound, I see you just get real scared. You're going to have to come up with a new punchline. Yeah, I don't know. I'll just probably just keep booking Pat Barker for the show.

We got fatties on rotation. Yeah, yeah. Now I know why you invited Brendan. We always have to have another one. Well, because it gets stale. And God help me if I'm going to come up with a new angle. The fat man is a 360 degree target for comedy. But if it's stale, Keith will still eat it.

There it is. I just let that hang in the air. Knowing one of you would grab it. Those New York podcasters are so edgy with their fucking vaudeville bread jokes. Man, you guys are so hardcore. You just made a deli joke. Mine was about cold cuts, goddammit.

It's a pastrami joke. I'm an artist. Pardon me for doing a little wry humor. Am I right, guys? Fuck that house. You get out of your house. If you can fit. Hey.

We're joking here. Five people were killed and three injured when a shooter opened fire on a Maryland newspaper office. Authorities are calling it a dark day for journalism, but a pretty chill day for Baltimore. Yeah, yeah. Grading on a curve. Yeah, you know. A Down syndrome man has created a successful sock business, finally proving that fashion is for retards. Oh, shit.

I love that you didn't say a man with Down syndrome. A Down syndrome man. A terrible superhero. You didn't even change your face. Oh, I got to be honest. Some guy got all bounced up and did a fashion. A Down syndrome man wrote a joke. Me and Brendan are married now.

You guys got to buy yourself a Coke. A regular Coke. Not a Diet Coke. Certainly not. Diet Coke sucks. Yeah, dude. I like Diet Coke. Why did I feel the need to defend it?

You're up, Mike. I'm up. A proposal which would make Texas the fifth state in the U.S. to legalize recreational marijuana use was approved in a bipartisan panel vote to celebrate lawmakers lit a joint using the hot muzzle of an AR-15. Yeah, that's okay. That was like too good. You guys are story. Yeah, that was a problem.

We were all overwhelmed by your talent. I'm trying to support my friend. I'm trying to digest this. People in Texas like no joke. We don't support friends here. We're going to be down here waiting for DailyJet. It's complicated. Also, a dated one.

While you're doing your racist podcast, you're moonlighting for the New Yorker. You have not heard our show. You didn't let me finish. I say it was too good for a man with Down syndrome. You have the least successful show on the Gas Digital Network. Disagree. I was about to bring up Lisa Ann,

but you know I don't consider porn stars people, all right? They're swine and they'll burn in hell. Well, that's probably going to get us rehired for that

Pornhub gig. That's how we got the gig. That's a good point. We've been slut-shaming for two and a half years to get those $650 outside the circus. Hey, sluts,

I like you, hire me. We actually were supposed to do a podcast when we got here but she went to Australia for like the great fuck off or

whatever. It's like some porn expo thing. The great Aussie fuck off. It's a bit stale. We've got one

vagina and 27 quarks. Oh my god there's just a little report star in her pouch. Oh shit.

We flush steel bones in the toilet. Yeah, who's got good dick? Koalas. That's how you gotta ask Akira through customs. Saudi Arabia has agreed to let women drive. No one knows if the women are happy about it, since they're still not allowed to have opinions. They still have their Mortal Kombat headgear on.

Do a little eyebrow reading That's what I want, the traffic with ninjas Oh boy, is there a Naruto convention going on? I'm just trying to go to the Clit Mutilation Depot Okay A 29 year old teacher in California Was arrested for having relations

With a 16 yearyear-old boy and using cannabis to coax him into sex. She told the young man, you know what's good for munchies? My ass. All of his are going to be like that. That's what we're looking for. All right, guys. A man was arrested after his DNA traced him back to a samurai sword used to behead a woman.

He was charged with one count of domestic violence murder in the second degree and two counts of being a gay-ass nerd. Dude, yeah. How much of a wee-boo do you have to be to do samurai crime? That's pretty lame. Yeah. I mean, unless you're rescuing the gimp from Pulp Fiction, I feel like that's a pretty weak move. Well, you know if you're the kind of guy who has a samurai sword and is committing a crime, that at some point during the crime you're like, I'm like Deadpool.

And also you have no hair probably, right? Just that horseshoe ponytail combo thing. Yeah, you're going bald since 15. It's like how atrophied are your muscles where your own male fists aren't enough, okay? Did Luis J. Gomez teach you nothing on his 45 podcasts about domestic abuse it's only 699 i gotta figure that's at least as much as the samurai sword this discount code with igp merch pump yeah i i've had to throw out so many samurai tools in my life it's ridiculous i'd go up to lake george for summers and come back with like eight throwing stars

and a knife. And my mom's just like threw them away. Yeah. My mom would immediately get rid of them. Oh man. Sounds like a real bitch.

People keep giving Tom swords on the road. I never had swords before I started doing this podcast. Really the most commented on thread in our subreddit

is people talking about what kind of swords they have. It's a pretty big bummer when we realized our fan base is exactly what we thought. Oh yeah.

Sword toting. There's my buddy Ryan talking about his cold steel Italian broadsword. Awesome. It is fun when you find out your audience

isn't who you think you are. Am I a sword guy? I just look in the mirror all of a sudden I'm wearing a trench coat and one of those button up Dragon Ball Z TV hats.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No! But it's like Vegeta. Yeah. Like a shallow house scenario. Fucking the Cheeto tuxedo, as I call them. That's really good. A man rigged a camera to his shoe to take upskirt videos of women, but was then injured

when the camera exploded on his foot. In related news, congratulations to Harvey Weinstein on his new job as CEO of the Acme Corporation. That's hilarious. The guy's foot exploded at his house while he was building it. He was so embarrassed he just went and turned himself

into the police. Yeah, he just painted a wall and then walked through it. Exactly. I'm drilling a hole in my Doc Martens to add a GoPro. I worked at Disneyland

for like four years and one time some lady ran out of the bathroom and was like, You were Mrs. Teacup? Hey. Fuck you. Quiet, Chip. Quiet, you were Mrs. Teacup's going to come do the rest of this podcast. Yeah. No, but this lady runs out of the bathroom and is like,

Yeah, there's a guy in there with a mirror taped to his shoe just looking at people pee. I'm like, oh. All right. And you're like, a ghost of Chubby Checker? Do you want me to beat him up? I don't know. I called security and they're like, oh, gross. And it never came out.

Yeah, yeah. I wear a disco boot so I see pussy the way a fly does. A bear stole a box of donuts from a North Carolina garage. Now all he has to do is swear an oath and kill a black kid to become a cop. The A to Z journey every one of your jokes. It's so baffling.

Yeah, yeah. It's always like, okay, okay, okay. It's like when you can see a kid was trying to draw a fire truck. He knows the ending, but how to get there is a mystery. No, I don't know the ending either. I know the beginning, and then the rest is for you to either understand or not understand. I know it's the color red. That's about it on the fire truck.

You write jokes like a Tarantino movie. Unfortunately, the movie is death proof. I don't know that film. I think that was the joke. Donald Trump signed an executive order to release detained immigrant children from their jail-like enclosures. He reassured the GOP that he was not going soft on borders. He said these new cage-free children are going to be a bit more expensive but healthier to fuck. That's been my theory about politics for a long time. It's like, oh, you want to be a senator, do you? Well, you've got to fuck a bit more expensive but healthier to fuck that's that's been my theory about politics

for a long time it's like oh you want to be a senator do you well you gotta fuck a kid in front of this you know the green screen like casting couch and they're just like we're just gonna file that over here in case you start coming at the banks big guy yeah i i and several thousand youtube videos don't disagree with you also they have said that the reason The initial undocumented stuff With the kids is because they're trying to just Funnel them into a sex trade That's a conspiracy That this whole thing was just to repopulate

The tan kid catalog Kind of backfired though right If it's on national news Every goddamn one One of their names I'm going to guess Juan. Yeah. I'll tell you Juan name.

Yeah. You said the kid sex catalog. I'm imagining like the Jay Peterman sex catalog with like these flowery introductions. Like Pedro is a summertime pool boy and you're naughty fucking. For when you're feeling crass. He works the summers gripping carrots out of the earth, so he will grip that dick perfectly. If you're looking for something in a tear-stained Aquarius,

if only the most calloused of fingers can reach your battered prostate, look no further than Sergio for Nino Pasion. He's just happy to be here. Having a masomenos day

Hell yeah Damn dude you've been brushing up on your gay Spanish He visits a lot of urinals He's the one ordering his Spanish and booty juice Being a hilarious dick about it You're like wait what? Burrito Mary So I didn't know they even had it No soy faggot

Let it breathe Let it breathe No soy faggot. Let it breathe. Let it breathe. Thank you for slamming the emergency brake on that red flag. Right on the highway. I wanted more monologue jokes to keep going. Yeah, you're really sullying the good name of the breakout series at Caroline's. Breaking out of a Laffy Taffy wrapper. He's breaking through a wall with Kool-Aid.

You're fat. It's so nice when it's not just me. We're going to have a kettle off here. Yeah, you really fucked up because there's supposed to be two fat ones to gang up on the mildly good looking one. And you've really blown the formula. We have the world's least competitive game of three-on-three basketball. Somehow Brendan tipped the scales yet again. No, Brendan is the basketball.

He is orange and round. This is a bizarro meme. And you guys are the alt-right monstars. Yeah. This is a bizarro meme. Your tunes will not replace us. All right. These are will not replace us. All right. These are going to get worse.

The U.S. men's soccer team have offered their support in the search for 12 soccer players who went missing in Thailand. Police believe they will all be a big help considering they are well-versed and not showing up. I don't get it. I'm going to take a bet that sports is not the forte of the three of you, if I had to guess. That just sounds like an actual story. It doesn't sound like a joke. Here's what we do. The U.S. men's soccer team.

What you're going to want to do is stick to pussy and slurs. Actually, that's going to be great for the next one. Okay. A deaf puppy in Alabama was saved after falling down a 50-foot hole. After the 30-hour operation, the puppy thanked the rescuers by saying, bow wow. You moved closer to the mic to not say anything, just to make the silence audible. I really enjoyed that. That's a funny joke.

I don't get it. But I can't give you shit because all of... Oh, okay. I missed the death part. I thought it was a joke about him and we were doing a retard voice again. Well, I thought you said death. I was like, that's a weird...

Yeah, okay. It's on me. Everything's on me. I fell down a pit of despair no i one of the great moments of my life is when my buddy uh brandon threw up on his deaf cat who didn't know that it was coming and he just cat was just sitting there and he just barfs all over and he's trying to clean his cat while making it shut up so his mom doesn't wake up at a sleepover my favorite moment is still when you gently you You try to gently toss a puppy off the couch

And you just kind of aggressively Threw it into a fucking ottoman I threw this dog It was like one of the Iraqi soldiers It hit like the corner of a table They were like Just throw the dog off And I was like alright

Yeah they meant gently shove it Don't fucking softball pitch it Alright guys The Air Force has cut the standard pilot training program By five weeks Yeah, they meant gently shove it. Don't fucking softball pitch it. Head first into a corner. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. The Air Force has cut the standard pilot training program by five weeks. Military activists are outright saying the volleyball intensive is a core tenet of the armed forces. This one's really stupid.

A woman rode a foam paddleboard all the way from Cuba to Florida. She was then apprehended by boogie boarder patrol. That is a sagalow joke I've ever heard about. Do you mean a good one? That'd be great if they did Reno 911, but about ice, you know?

Yeah. All right. All right. Let's... All right. That's a lot of sounds, guy. Yeah, yeah. No, it's all...

They're going to make as much sense as this joke. A school district in Virginia has decided to take the term biological sex out of sex ed. Conservatives were fine with it until they learned that biological sex had nothing to do with germs fucking. Told you it was bad. I don't even want to get it. I don't want you to get it at this point. That joke was like trying to figure out one of those 3D pictures.

You're like, okay, I know it's supposed to be a cactus, but goddamn if it's not just a lot of dots. Look, my jokes are abstract art. And if you don't like it, that's all you see. That joke was the test for autism. Your brain unlocked it. You're on the spectrum. You are the Van Gogh of comedy. You will die earless and unremembered for many years.

I could pull off one ear. Yeah. It's a hell of a museum in Amsterdam, too, all of this shit. I got very stoned. I went there. Oh, yeah? It's a good time. Nice.

That's about it. I just got to work for them on the side, so I have to work it into most podcasts that I do. You get like 40 bucks. I got a piece of the Van Gogh Museum. So if you're using Trivago, use promo code theothermike. Women Star Wars fans, they are mad.

That was the most gas-digital beginning to a sentence. They are mad. Women Star Wars fans are ruining beef jerky for the white man. Or as we call them, Star Horse. So because the first female droid was premiered

in the newest installation, The Last Jedi, the rumors are flying that feminists are pissed because the character just leaked oil for seven days and just couldn't even. Yeah, there is a long way to get to that.

There was a female droid in that? There was. In Solo. She's like a bottle, eh? Oh, so it's factually an accurate end of shitty. Yeah, well, I guess I didn't see it, but I guess it's a whole thing where Lando is trying to fuck a droid or something. Oh, nice.

Dave ran out of ideas for those movies. I don't know, that's a pretty good one I don't know That's a little close to 2018 If you ask me Alright, scientists suggest That casual pot use may damage Your brain, they're now working on a follow-up

Study, how to ruin everything for everyone Those damn scientists Alright, bring us home, Sagalow. As a sign of protest, a young woman in Pakistan let a dance in... I can't read my handwriting. Oh, in front of a war zone. Several men and women danced

for peace in front of a billowing black smoke. Their funerals will be held on Tuesday. Fuck you guys! Suck my dick! How's it feel? Say the whole thing again. You said it like a BBC announcer.

You know what the problem is? Here's the problem with you LA comics. You're not real joke writers like we are out in New York. We do hard jokes. You guys are out there doing observation. You got your little notebooks full of stories about the coffee shop. Fuck out of here. I like the manner when you were like, sometimes a dog

is a fuck. I should have just closed with that. Oh, man. Well, that's the Mexican joke off, gang. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. We'll be right back after something. Hi, I'm Brett, and I'm one of your local SoCal helpful Honda guys. Here at Honda, we believe in giving back to the community.

That's why when we're not selling top-of-the-line Honda automobiles, we're out there doing random acts of helpfulness. Whether it's buying new uniforms for a Little League team, fucking your wife real good, or just handing out $100 bills at the park, we believe the little things make a difference. That's right, the Helpful Honda guys go where they're needed. Children's hospitals, soup kitchens,

the marriage bed you share with your wife while you're away at work. We're helping old ladies cross the street, and we're helping your wife, Debra, cross the threshold into untold pleasures of the unfaithful flesh. Come on down to your local Honda dealer today and test drive an all-new Honda CR-V. It comes with power steering, rear-view camera, and just like your wife's ample cooch, it can accommodate eight passengers, plus luggage and a kayak. That's right i brought all the helpful honda guys with me and we're gonna blow the mother of your children's back out so hard her pussy's gonna need an unlimited power train warranty go to honda.com there you can take a look at all our newest models just like i'm looking at a

picture of you and deborah on your wedding day while i laminate her cervix oh and by the way i know you can't tell from my voice but i black, so now you have to deal with the fact that I fucked your wife and confront the ugly part of you that thinks that somehow makes it worse. Happy Honda Days! And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of one of our favorite games,

which are the following. Ooh, ooh. The way this game works, I have a list of things within a category. Three of them are real. One of them is made up. You guys have to figure out which one is made up. Okay. And this is an Irish goodbye specific.

Oh, fine. Maybe to speed it up, because we've got a lot of people here. Maybe we play team Mean Boys versus team fucking whatever. And Brendan will be the lesbian lifeguard. I also only made four rounds to keep it up. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in the spirit

of your podcast being called Irish Goodbye, this is a round on Irish deaths. So these are all ways Irish people die. Oh, yeah. That's our favorite thing to do.

Either that or complain about it. Yeah, drink, write a poem everyone pretends they read and die. What percentage Irish are you? Connor McSpadden? Pretty fucking it. Yeah, drink, write a poem everyone pretends they read and die. What percentage Irish are you? Connor McSpadden? Pretty fucking high.

Mostly. But yeah, I've been working on it a bit because there's this whole thing about how people think that Irish people are slaves too and just about what terrible slaves

we would be. Like Ireland, from my experience, I don't know if you guys have been, it's four and a half million people doing the bare minimum to keep the liquor industry afloat. We're just like

fucking miserable. All right. So round one, which of the following is not a way an Irish person died? A, a teenager had a brain hemorrhage when a circus clown swung him by his ankles. B. We don't go to the circus. That's too much. Yeah.

Yeah. It's too fun. No way. That's real. B, 21 people drowned to death when a tank of molasses exploded. For sure. Okay. Yeah. It's too fun. There's no way that's real. B, 21 people drowned to death when a tank of molasses exploded. For sure. Okay, yeah. C, a farmer was crushed to death in his bed when a cow fell through his roof.

Or D, a man was throat-fucked with an active gas line by the mafia. Oh, wow. I would say that's why you don't let your wife take the top bunk. Am I right, guys? Women are bovine animals Used for milk and semen I want to make sure All these are real Just one of them

Happened to a non-Irish person Oh, okay No shit What? Holy fuck Non-Irish I'm going to say the circus I'm going to say C

I'm going to say the cow thing Because Irish We don't have two-story homes We just We keep it low Yeah We'll be too tempted To hang ourselves

But we are herders And we also do have Thatch roofs That wouldn't support a cow. And the cow can get up there for a while. We're like, bricks are heavy, and I deserve to be wet when I sleep. So, bug it. I'm going with the mafia thing, because I think that's more of an Italian angle, because they're all closet homosexuals.

I agree. Take this pipe. I agree with you. This is what I wanted from the East Coast podcasters is white-on-white racism. Yeah, we sent our top enforcer, Johnny Secret Faggot. I think it's Billy Downlow's going to take care of him. I think it's D, too, because I think they're too lazy to do something that labor-intensive. So that's my logic.

What, get fucked with a pipe? Well, they got to go get the pipe. They got to get the exhaust. They got to, yeah. He wasn't... The Irish guy just had to swallow the pipe. Yeah, it was the Italian mob that was. Oh, but he's...

And they're hard workers. Yeah, they're industrious. They're the backbone of this country. Wait, you said an Italian mobster did this? Yeah. To an Irish guy. Oh. Oh, so that was real?

They're all real. They're all real. They're all real. Well, they're all real. So we got our guesses. The one that is fake that's not Irish was the farmer crushed to death by the cat.

Wow. You know what's hilarious? I saw a different news story like a month ago of that thing happening in Ireland. That was the one. Are you serious? Yes.

That makes sense. It happened in Brazil since all of their homes are dug into the ground. Yeah. It's just like It happened in Brazil since all of their homes are dug into the ground. It's just like an inground wall. Most of their homes are boxes. I think it was a lady. I think that was the...

What weird things you do remember. I know. Nothing helpful. Speaking of ladies, round two, all chick round. Which of the following is not an Irish death? A. A mother of four died of an allergic reaction after being fucked by a German shepherd. That's a family story. B. A woman driver flipped an automobile

in 1869, making her the first person in history to die in a car crash. Whoa, cool. C. C. A woman refused to marry her father, so her father cut off her head. Or D. A woman on a motorcycle was chased off a cliff by a herd of sheep. I'm going to say

the car thing. If I know Irish people, we don't sharpen our knives. Again, we're going to be too tempted to self-mutilate, so I'm going to go C. The head cutoff one? Yeah, I'm going with the head cutoff. Do we guess what country that was from? Yeah, you can. Okay, Pakistan. So we're all going head cutoff.

I'm going dog. You're going dog? I'm going dog. Always bet on dog. we're all going head cut off. I'm going dog. You're going dog? I'm going dog. You're going dog? Always been on dog. You're all wrong. It was the one with the motorcycle and the sheep. Oh, man.

That sounds like an episode of Wallace and Gromit. Yeah. It's like so whimsical. Fun story. The one about the lady getting her head cut off by her dad. That lady ended up becoming the patron saint of incest. Zanito comes out. Yeah, which is apparently a real thing.

Well, yeah, every Italian keeps it in his wallet, you know, because you've got to keep it in the family. What's her name in case I have a daughter? I think it's like Saint Dimpha or something. Yeah, it sounds like Chinese food. Dimpha Cannon. My little sweet baby girl. The Dimpha Cannon.

Sounds like a fucking Star Wars weapon. Yeah. Don't use any of the words you learned on your play date with Aaron Berg's kid, sweetheart. Yeah. Don't use any of the words you learned on your play date with Aaron Berg's kid, sweetheart. Yeah. Aaron Berg and the Light All Bridges on Fire comedy tour. Right, yeah. Daddy, what's a spaghetti gorilla?

That's what he calls mommy. He thinks of you as a half-breed abomination, but, you know, it's because he does a lot of steroids, and he's running out of things to get tattooed on him. So it's cranky. And in reality, the Jewish half is the abomination. Oh, yeah. I forgot he's Jewish. Who needs you?

Round three. He's gotten so buff, he's just really trying to hope people don't remember that he's Jewish, I feel like. Oh, yeah. He's the most in-shape Jewish man I've ever seen. I lost who we're talking about. Ehrenberg. I don't know who that is. He used to do the Monday show when we were at the stand. Oh, yeah. He's the most in-shape Jewish man I've ever seen. I lost who we're talking about. Ehrenberg. Ehrenberg. I don't know who that is.

He also did the Monday show when we were at the stands. Oh, yeah. No, that dude's jacked. Yeah, he's always smoking a cigar like a Bond villain. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. He looks like if Pitbull wanted pictures of Spider-Man. That's real good.

All right, round number three, all mythology round. These are all Old ancient Irish myths Switch of the fog Is not a real Irish death A A wizard was drowned By his servants In a vat of whiskey

B A queen was killed While she was taking a bath By a man shucking A brick of cheese In her head C A warrior pulled out

His own intestines And tied himself to a rock The brick of cheese That's also how Keith Carey riots No justice No cheese Yeah He just Rubber bands a note To some brie And then The brick of cheese, that's also how Keith Carey riots. No justice, no cheese. Yeah, he just rubber bands a note to some brie and then cleans out the entire fucking Pepperidge Farm warehouse.

A king angered God, so God killed him by exposing him to sunlight. Oh, man. Which could be Irish or vampire. That could actually happen, too. Yeah. We can only enter if we're invited. A lot of people don't know that about the Irish. We have no reflections.

I'm thinking that cheese thing. We don't like garlic because that's the dirty WAP seasoning. We don't see ourselves as being worthy of anything more than a little salt and pepper. Yeah, I'm going to go with the cheese thing as well. All right. Do Irish and Italians have beef? We do now. I'm starting to, dude.

What I've found from being married to an Italian woman is that they have far more beef with us than we do with them. Yeah, but they also have beef with everyone. But my wife has been grown and groomed to think Irish people are full of tricks, never trust them. Like, we had to get over a lot of things. She's thinking of the Charms leprechaun. Yeah, yeah. So she grew up correct. Yeah, I suppose.

When I went to Ireland, we had this, like, tour guide who's a conspiracy theorist. And he's just like, oh, yeah, you're with your president with the crocodile tears after those kids got shot. You know? And he's just like, oh, the dirty travelers will be collecting welfare in three different cities, not working a day in their life. And we're just like, all right, so are these the famine walls? Yeah, yeah. He was the king of Brexit. Yeah, yeah.

That guy was fucking awesome. Shout out to, I don't remember, Rudy or something? Seamus, probably. Anyway. Racist Declan. I don't give a shit. I'm going to say A. All right.

I'm going to say the intestine dude to The Rock. Cool. The bullshit one was the drowned by the the Servants and Nevada Whiskey. Hey. What folklore is that one? It's all Irish weird fake bullshit. They have all this fake Greek mythology, but for dudes in skirts. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. It's a lot like Poison Videos, but we drew them on cave walls. Also, the intestine thing was just about an Irish hungover guy. Vomited all the outside. Like, oh, fuck it. Let's end it. If I tie myself to the bar, they've got to keep serving. I need grease.

And last one, all real or all fake. These are either all from Ireland or all from somewhere else. A, a gambling enthusiast was stabbed by a rooster with a knife taped to its leg. B, an employee at a new factory became the first person ever killed by a robot. C. A nobleman died of laughter. That's Donald Glover, the police saw him trying to blast that beautiful droid. C. A nobleman

died of laughter watching a donkey try to eat a fig. That's something that's happened to me on this podcast. Keith slipped when he tried to get his Baby built cheese open. I herniated myself with amusement.

Man, I went to my friend's house and she had like these little like just like singular cheese in a cup and I was so bummed at how excited I got.

Oh, yeah. I was like, this is the future. Yeah, it's like when a kid gets dipping dots for the first time at his birthday

and he's like, holy shit. This is how astronauts pay too much for ice cream. Yeah. Or D, a golfer's club snapped in half mid

swing, bounced funny, and impaled his groin. Oh, yeah. I'm going to actually say it's all not Irish because one of them was way too... There's robots. There's no robots in Ireland. We're not nearly that technologically savvy. There's not a fucking chance. Yeah, that shit's like Germany

or something like that. I'm saying they're all Japanese. No, I think what happened is a guy got his foot eaten by a Roomba and then just called it. And his neighbors were like, never liked him anyway. I'm not calling shit. I think all Irish. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to go all Irish.

The right answer, none of those are Irish. Half of them are American. Half of them are somewhere in Europe. The one with the guy getting killed at the cockfight happened right by where we did the Denny's show, actually. Also, if you've seen a cockfight, you know all the roosters have a knife taped to their legs, so that's how it goes.

That's actually cheating. No, it's not. I was at a cockfight in Bobbitt. Yeah, that's like standard cockfight procedure. There should be an asterisk next to Enrique the cock. Johnson's victory records. In my opinion. Yeah. Look how big his head is.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, one of our roommates came home the other day and was just like, yo, for real. They run in a cockfight down the street. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, there's like a bunch of like Mexicans like blocking off the street, like in like suits.

And they're just like Letting people into a backyard Who are dressed way too nice For a quinceanera You should go to it And like put it on your Patreon Yeah that's what we wanna do We were like

Can we be like Hey we're cool man Like we couldn't be less cops There's no way They'd let us in Yeah I don't Oh you think You don't think

They're gonna let us Into the cock fight I think it's worth trying I wanna go call it Like a WWE announcer Yeah Dude they would they would shoot us. Yeah, probably.

Alright. Let's be honest guys, we can't afford the cover to that cocktail. Yeah, let's be honest. We should just dress Tom as a rooster. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway, well that was a fantastic idea. You just have fucking kitchen knives on your toes.

Yeah. One of those doctor gloves taped to your... He has to keep fighting. There's just different fat cholos with sharp things attached to them. You lose to a rooster. Dude, if I got killed by a rooster, I'd be so... That's maybe the dumbest way to fucking die, is get murdered by a rooster while fighting a rooster.

Dressed as a rooster. Yeah, dressed as a rooster. That guy was cock-a-doodle-doomed. The Mean Boys podcast. Yeah, I need to get off our back. I've covered shifts for three people this week. Oh, me too. And they still chew us out for everything

that went wrong before we got there. I should send a letter to corporate. Yeah, like they give a shit. Did you forget your smokes? Oh, no, I'm all right. You want a bum one? Nah, it's cool. I quit.

It just... It's a lot of health risks. Yeah, I guess, but also, like, who gives a shit? I mean, I used to feel that way, but it caught up with me. My body took a beating. Eh, suit yourself. Yeah, sorry. Can I help you?

Um, I don't know. I'm just going for a walk with my newborn baby, and now I have to deal with you polluting my air! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm trying to smoke out of the way of everyone walking. I'm like ten feet away from you. Did you just backtalk me? Hey, everyone. This smoker just backtalked a new father. Get him!

Ah, stop. Please. This hurts. Stop hitting me. You knew the dangers of smoking. Please. Secondhand smoking hurt people, asshole. You already know the dangers of smoking. Death, bad teeth, heart failure, lung cancer. But also know the other risks, which include

random aggression from strangers, passive aggression from strangers, fat people telling you how unhealthy you are, people not wanting to have sex with you, your family being disappointed in you, getting health advice from people you don't respect, your girlfriend leaving you, and worrying about showering too much.

Maybe while they're distracted I can take a drag. Hey, I'm the baby. Wah, wah, wah. Put it out, bitch. Smoking is for fucking losers. Except for Tom and Keith. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. And it's time for the Mean Boys mailbag.

It's the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. Well, we're going to read your questions.

No voicemails because we don't have a nice enough studio to do it with six people. This is my favorite windowless studio I've ever been in. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, we borrowed equipment so we could have all of you on. Oh, awesome. Yeah, we appreciate the effort.

I hope you feel like you're imposing. You are. It's funny because this room is already always too crowded and too hot, and we're like, you know what would make it better? It's just The Rock for no reason. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Oh, yeah, we do have a cardboard cutout of the rock that opie like was like frantically texting us like who's available to come transport the rock to the house and i was like i'm not

driving from san diego which sounds like a drug deal and not the stupidest thing i've ever done yeah yeah um do you have the twitter up or the insta yeah yeah so uh uh nick canones writes uh is a hot dog a sandwich uh fuck fucking shut if? The kind of person that thinks that that is a funny question to ask, shut up and stop asking questions. And thanks for listening. And that's our only question. He's just sitting there listening with Mean Boys clothing on. Starts crying. Go play cards against.

Burning it like a flag that's being taken out of service. Sending you all little hot dogs with ribbons on them. Yeah, personally made. Go kill your girlfriend like Stan from Eminem and peel all your Tom Goss stickers off your toolbox

or the fucking motorcycle repair shop you work at and go buy the new expansion pack to Cards Against the Humanity. Because of course it's a sandwich. No, I'm kidding. How dare you? It's not a sandwich.

Where do you guys fall? Yeah, no, not at all i the first time that kind of came up in the last like year or two right people yeah it's become a thing the merits of whether a hot dog is it's so fucking bougie beat it it's the same thing as like people who are like oh my least favorite word is moist i'm like yeah it's not that's just something you heard one person say and thought it was a personality right that was like look at me. I'm quirky. It's something Seth MacFarlane tweeted in 2012. And then you guys were like, wow, that's so random. Yeah.

I bet your favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard, too, you fucking wiener. And I bet you take all your Instagrams with a pizza that you never eat. Hashtag pizza cat trash. Well, yeah, that's the only way to eat this West Coast pizza. Am I right, you guys? Yeah. Yeah, fuck your food's the only way to eat this West Coast pizza. Am I right, you guys? Yeah. Yeah, fuck your food. Feed it to the trash can.

You fucking macaroni rascals. You call this a bagel? Yeah, dude. Have you guys met Burrito Rat yet? He's a big hit out here. Yeah. He's got half a burrito. He's a meme sensation.

Burrito Rat runs the cockfight down the street. Burrito Rat was most of the people I saw living on the streets of Venice, I feel like. Most of the people in this neighborhood are Burrito Rats. He's the number one street artist in Echo Park. Did you guys go to Venice fucked up? Yeah.

We got fucked up in Venice. I got a DUI in a gondola. It was insane. Last time I walked into Venice, I watched a guy get shot in the head. Really? Yeah, there was a shooting outside of a comedy show. Oh, you actually saw the... Yeah, no, I was smoking a cigarette,

and I was like, hmm, a lot of commotion over there, and then I saw three gunshots. Was it Venice Underground? Yeah. Oh, that's a show we did. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's a really good show when no one dies. Well, Brendan did time, so...

But it was a good... I'm gonna break someone's neck. Just fucking Mr. Baseball over here, right across the plate. I don't know, we'd try to break your neck, but we can't find it. Break whichever chin is lowest. Whichever chin sagged the lowest. Your fingers would just go inside and you'd get stuck like quicksand. Yeah, because you have a fucking memory foam head.

It's like going through a fleshy stargate. You know, you can jump on Brendan. When I was born, it came out like a Casper mattress. Oh, yeah. No, if you hold Brendan's neck up to a newspaper, you can copy the print. You can jump on Brendan and not spill a glass of wine. Isn't that fun? Pete is also fat, everybody.

You're going to need several glasses of wine to jump on Brendan. Let's just remember that. Let's just all remember that, please. Yeah, but I'm fat all the time. You're new fat. Oh, you used to not be fat? Yeah, he's let himself go. No, I just bet he's never been here before.

Now, you have the lived-in comfort of a man who's been fat for a while. Yes, I've been chubby for a long time. Yeah, no, Gabriel. Yeah, what is this chubby shit? You're fat, bro. You're fucking fat. Dignity. I've been I call myself handsome husky for a long time. You're beautiful. Don't let

him make fun of you. As a punchy American, I can represent you need to respect fat spaces okay you guys hometown buffet golden corral if you're in front of me in line at jersey mike's you better know what you want to order because i have no time for hemming and hawing if my blood sugar drops i'll throw a big tantrum and start i don't know what you guys describing you now yeah pretty much uh kendama odyssey writes what's the most ridiculous place you ever had a breakup? Okay, at a hometown buffet, actually.

Really? That's a real thing. Yeah, talk to your mic. Oh, yeah, I thought it was. Me and a girl, I was dating for a little while. I went to a hometown buffet. We were like, let's fuck, then go to get food, and then go fuck some more.

And then she was like, yeah, I don't think I like you anymore. I just laughed. I was like, all right, well, I'm going to keep eating. Keith's like, if you want to go two rounds and eat some chicken fried steak that I have to tong over to my fucking mountain of calories. And it was this thing of like, I just got pretty aggressively dumped.

And the question is, am I going back for more mac and cheese? And the answer is, of course I was. It was a real like the old drunk in the fedora at the bar. Just I'll tell you when I've had enough. Leave the tray. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'll tell you when I've had enough. Leave the tray. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I've only ever been dumped on, like, the phone or at the girl's house. You know, mostly the phone. Maybe I got a goofy one. Dude, the phone sucks. People should not. I think that's fucking bullshit when people do that. Yeah. Well, then we broke up in person, and then, you know, everyone's crying.

And she's like, is this better? Do you wish we were? Yeah. And I was like, god damn, dude. You've got to fucking twist the knife on this shit. I did get dumped right before I had to take a 24-hour greyhound to Portland, Oregon to go be an on-site for NACA. So basically what you have to do for that

is you try to get people to vote for you. If you get enough votes, you get to perform. I was an alternate and I was like, well, I'll run for on-site. Maybe I'll get up and book some colleges, turn my life around. But what happened was I basically had to sleep sitting up next to a Norteno gang member who was constantly just vibrating,

like a chihuahua kind of. I got so much murder in my balls. He's high from the meth he bought next door to this house. And you had to have little trinkets to give the kids to bribe them to vote for you. So I had a joke about tampons. So I had a bunch of tampons where I used a label maker to put my Twitter and my agency information on on them so i'm just holding a fucking big paper

bag of tampons putting labels on them just like crying on the bus just like oh man i really am a greyhound guy now like the greyhound has taken me as one of its own arts and crafts crying you've hit all the boxes that's it a photo of you the moment your heart breaks and then that's the ad campaign for the next six months and i like never drank and then i got there and i was just like getting drunk in the snow off like mike's hard lemonade and just like getting into fights with opie and damien in a hotel room where i had to sleep with like six other people greyhound we'll get you to the hell you deserve i was like i was literally like i've never tried to drink my emotions away so i went over to the liquor store and i was like what's the saddest booze? And I got the pop-off vodka,

because I saw Doug Stanhope do a bit about it. I was like, this seems like the kind of dirty fucking gutter swill I deserve right now. I'm like, it's yucky, and I have a stomach ache. Just a real 21-year-old fucking loser. What was the weirdest place you guys got dumped? Anywhere good? Mine in a gymnastics gym, I guess.

Please tell me she did it from the pump. And bounced away we should see other people flip and a bunch of other dudes trying to fuck her hold up tens yeah ten ten the third judge's phone number yeah yeah that was a weird one this was uh this is kind of a weird story but i slept with one of the mother instructors uh instructors at the gym i was like also somehow an instructor i can't touch my toes and then uh i like i was also trying to sleep with her daughter the mother i was like 20 the mother was like 40 to 45 her daughter was an 18 year old member of their team okay and so she like found out that that was happening and flipped out in front of kids, been like, Don't you dare fuck him! I fucked him! It was right under that big rainbow parachute thing.

That's where you guys fucked. Not lying, we fucked on the vault and a cheese mat in the gym. Galaxy Gymnastics. Cheese mat? You've got Keith's attention. I was going to say, cheese mat in the gym. Wow. Galaxy Gymnastics. Cheese mat. You've got Keith's attention. I was going to say cheese mat is Brendan's name. That was my screen name. That's where Brendan

does his laundry. He puts it in a fondue pot. He opens up the little thing and he dumps it in a little tub of Parmesan. A tie pot is just like a pizza roll. I don't think I have any good ones at chipotle parking lot but all my i haven't had many breakups and then yeah they've been pretty fucking standard yeah yeah pretty standard and

heartbreaking it was the quiet whisper that says i have a great one but i don't want to talk about it i i saw a girl get dumped at a uh at a fucking burger king she was crying and i was like if a guy's dumping and burr dumping you a burger king like this is not a sad day yeah this is the first day the rest of your life sweetheart what was the best case scenario the guy who's taking you to burger king for a date continues dating you yeah yeah yeah gets you the crown you know he leaves he puts the crown on his head and walks out and now i'm we'll always have McNuggets. That's like if Beyonce was a supervillain.

That's her origin story. She's like, never again will I be dumped in a Burger King. Dumped so close to chicken fries. They were in the drive-thru. No, they were dining in the restaurant, actually. I know. I was kidding. They were in the restaurant.

You don't dine at a Burger King. You eat at a Burger They were in the restaurant. You don't dine at a Burger King. You eat at a Burger King. You survive a Burger King. You dine at a Burger King. You put the napkin in your lap. All right? You ask to see the wine list every time. It's not funny.

You keep doing it. All right. Do you have slash what is your current summer jam? I've been listening to DMX's Greatest Hits a lot. I've been enjoying that. Okay. Yeah. I listen to The GrowlersX's Greatest Hits a lot. I've been enjoying that. Okay. Yeah. I listen to The Growlers just all summer because it's just like chill enough music that it

makes me forget I'm dying of fucking sweat poisoning. Yeah. Sweat poisoning. Dude, I literally from like- It's that name, fat-itis. Yeah, from mid-April to like mid-October, I cannot function as a human being. I guarantee however much you sweat, Mike sweats three times as much as you. Yeah, he's probably sweating right now.

Damn, son. Yeah. Wow, dude. Dude, you're wet as hell. I would say you're moist, but that's the most gross word. Well, I'm going to take my pizza and go take a pic outside. Yeah, dude, I got to put a paper towel on you before I eat you. Because you're a snack, Mike.

You're a little snack. That's a new term. Oh, yeah. I saw that on three people's things, and I'm like, I guess that's happening. And I just... I'd be like, whatever happened to whore? That was good enough for so long. My uncle does stand-up, and that is dangerously close to one of his pets.

Your uncle does stand-up? Whatever happened to whore? He started recently. He just started? Yeah, He was inspired by my success. Two of my uncles did stand-up and my dad went back to acting. That's Irish support. That's so much more depressing

than if you were like, my family is on drugs. I also found out that my dad used to be an actor, and while he started getting some traction, his dad randomly went out and got headshots done. So this is a long line of mental illness. A lot of parents stealing the bounce off the trampoline from their children. What a bunch of petty goons. Exactly right. Just fucking the envious, envious flunts.

Okay. Anyone else have any summertime jams? I don't know what the song is But I've been singing this one line all week Which is the Kanye Tweaking tweaking tweaking off that 2CB I don't know what song I thought about killing you today As a member of the alright I do love Kanye West

I support his views I've been listening to a lot of the All Right, I do love Kanye West. I support his views. I've been listening to a lot of like pop goes punk. Oh, I love that shit, man. Like the covers. All right, that's the fat bonding. How are you spending your... I've been just listening to burgers all day. You have them on your head like they're beets?

Beets by Dre? Beets by Brendan. Beets by Dre? Yeah, by Brendan. Meets by Dre. You're like, yeah, check out my AirPods. Brendan, those are croutons. I've been bouncing from, like, Glass Animals and Elliot Smith to Slipknot and Night Snails. I've been all over the place. There's nothing funnier than Tom looking like this just in tap-out shorts and no shirt.

Oh, I know shirt. Lumbering into the backyard the other day and he's going, dude, I fucking love Elliot Smith. I'm like, are you sure? Do you mean I love beating up dudes who like Elliot Smith? I was listening to The Smiths the other night and a girl came over to have sex

and I had him on and she's like, well, we're not fucking to The Smiths, Connor. Every girl I've ever seen you have sex with looks like they would be fucked to The Smiths.

I mean, that's when I had a lot of my early sex to the smiths when the first time we lived together. What are you fucking to now? Just exclusively the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack? Only the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. Every time I walk by his bedroom and hear ELO and vague squeaking, I know a woman is being disappointed.

Honestly, it was a great fuck soundtrack until we got to the Ooga Shokas and I was like, I can't eat pussy to this. This is not sensual music. Yeah, that was pretty fun. I don't know. What do you guys fuck to?

I don't do music when I fuck. The sounds of a crying woman? Yeah. I fuck to Ralph Sutton talking about CBD oil and its many health benefits. I fuck to this girl put on this Sugar Ray Pandora stage. Well, you like the Sugar Ray. I could have said any other band.

Yeah, I've been listening to it. It was Sugar Ray. It was Sugar Ray. I appreciate your truth. I wish I even thought of it. Don't say sugar. Don't say sugar. Yeah, yeah.

What's his big song? What, Sugar Ray? He's got a bunch. Yeah, Fly. Does he really have a bunch, Mike? He does. He really does. What's his big song? What, Sugar Ray? He's got a bunch. Yeah, Fly. Does he really have a bunch, Mike? He does. He really does. They're a band.

Yeah, it's not a solo performance. It's more like Blondie is not a band. Yeah, Mark McGrath is the man's name. He's a celebrated, serious host. Yes. Is he really? Yeah. Damn, that's fucking awesome.

That's what that company does. They just hire ex-famous people. Okay, I like you guys are shitting on a platform more legitimate than your own. I disagree. We cost more per month, I bet. Our overhead is wildly high. Well, yeah, now gas digital is now standard in every Volkswagen in America. The most racist car.

Every car that was invented by a Nazi, it comes with a free month of gas digital off the factory line. No, it comes with just Lewis sitting in the passenger seat talking to you. Oh, yeah, yeah. You pop the trunk, Tim Dillonson. Doggy, can I put my penny board in your cup holder? Do you have a favorite context

dependent memory, i.e. a memory linked to a specific smell or place or person or taste, etc. Like what happens to ego at the end of Ratatouille. What the fuck? Why does Ratatouille keep coming up on this fucking show? I don't know. It's a good movie. It's fine. It's like the third week in a row

it's popped up. Has it really? Yeah, because we had the whole macaroni rascal thing last week. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know. The inside of a McDonald's,ald's like and that that smell is like you can i can even if i'm on a train with somebody who has a bag of mcdonald's that smell of those fries or whatever like that's like i used to eat that every day this is this is a rude one and it's going to sound very crass but it's accurate the first one of the first girls i

had sex with uh she didn't clean her butthole very well so i remember like eating her pussy and it smelled kind of shitty down there. And I remember after she dumped me, I started doing stand-up comedy and walked into a port-a-potty and I was like, man, I miss her. The poop made me nostalgic for her. She was hanging like a butthole set at air freshener in your room.

Yeah, yeah. Somebody farted and I was like, oh, her smile. That must be how gay guys feel all the time. Somebody rips ass. Is that Jeffrey? That's good East Coast podcasting right there. The water makes it better.

How are you spending your Canada Day today by finding out it's Canada Day from you on Twitter? Canada Day, the official holiday of, I forgot the thing I was going to reference. There you go. The moist thing. Poutine? I don't know, everyone's gay. There you go.

What do you want me to tell you, man, I ran out of steam on that. That was a Brennan Sagalow classic right there. That was a great run out of steam. I'm going to steal that every time I run out of steam.

Everybody's gay. Keith can't podcast for more than an hour in the summertime. We have to put him in the shade like an iPhone when you're on your car dashboard. He's overheating, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You got to put him in a bag of rice, when you're on your car he's overheating yeah you gotta put him in a bag of rice you know he better be fried rice his body has lost structure in the last 20 minutes I have amoebaed out

in a big way yeah you're like Flubber oh man we gotta recast Keith get the mold yeah fuck

when Gak got too hot yeah I'm a creepy crawler that wasn't finished in the audience you're like a jail pudding well yeah Gak had some good. I'm a creepy crawler that wasn't finished. You're like a jail pudding. Gak had some good jokes,

but he won last comic and he didn't have enough time to headline. Gak fan. What is the youngest age you would suggest someone try psychedelics? I don't know, dude. This isn't fucking Duncan Trussell's podcast. I think college, maybe.

Yeah, 19, the youngest. I've never done it. I have no real desire to do it. Here's what you do. You do like I do. We'll do it again. You smoke salvia out of a soda can when you're 18. The ground gets shaky, then you eat a PB&J med out of a hot dog bun.

That's when you really learn. That's when a hot dog is a sandwich. The secrets of the universe. I've never really done them. I guess I did mushrooms. You did mushrooms at never really done them. I guess I did mushrooms. You did mushrooms at Josh's. Yeah, Jessica and I did mushrooms. We did them in Vegas one time, and that was a bit too much.

That sounds a bit too much. You don't want to make peace with God outside of a gigantic Arby's. It's overkill. You don't want to be like, oh, my God, the Pawn Stars puppets are whispering the secrets of life to me. Now let's shoot a gun. Yeah, I guess, I don't know, probably late teens, I suppose. Yeah, it seems like we can do it. I didn't do it until I was out of college, and I think it helped me.

It definitely helped me through, you know, shitty times, for sure. I've never done them. See, I feel like there's really no amount of enlightenment worth being the psychedelics guy. You seem happy, but god damn it, shut the fuck up. You met God, but now you play in a fucking drum circle.

It's not worth it. Everyone I've ever talked to who's like, dude, mushrooms will change your life is the worst person I've ever met. I've got to go to my sitar class. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the guy, I had a conversation with the guy one time. I'll never fucking forget this. I was like, well, yeah, do you believe in God? And he's like, I've met him.

And I'm like, oh, no. That's the worst. Oh, my God. For me, that guy is never even like a real spiritual hippie. I've met her. It's always like, oh, yeah, I'm like oh no that's the worst oh my god for me that guy is never even like a real like I've met her it's always like oh yeah I'm going on a vision quest and then they go back to work as like a copy editor for buzzfeed well and I'm just like yeah yeah I'm better at writing listicles now yeah now I can tell you 20 reasons why the office literally can't even like when I when I did mushrooms I remember I was laying out in Joshua's chair looking at the stars and like

all the stars started turning into little sperms. They became the head of a sperm. They're swimming around. And they start running towards some big cosmic egg. But we're out on farm property. You were just getting cheesed on your face. Exactly. Yeah, that would be funny if I came too.

Just the guy I rented the Airbnb from was like, hey, how you doing, pretty boy? Yeah, and then we're right next to a goat farm. And then I just heard, I came down from the psychedelic high just hearing these goats raping the shit out of each other. And I was just like, wow, man, maybe we are just all drops in the air. And I was like, oh, yeah, enlightenment's bullshit. Well, that's pretty much the mailbag, guys. Fucking dudes, you're great. Brandon, I'm sorry.

Hey, keep calling him Brandon. It's all right Brandon I said Brandon It's Brandon Bradley, you were great Good job, Amy You guys were rad Thanks for having us You got any dates coming up?

My website has the dates You can catch me harassing a woman on the train Wearing gas merch Yeah Follow me on Twitter, at IamMikeCannon. It's the same all across. And I have an album.

I think it just kicked in. It's about mushrooms. Oh, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Go fucking stream it on Spotify. Yes. Give the man your thousandth of a cent. Yeah, please do.

I would love it. At IamMikeFini on all social media, MikeFiniComedy.com. And yeah, check out Irish Goodbye Podcast. Yeah. You can get me at Brian Saganove dot com. No, Brendan Sagalow

on everything. And listen to my podcast, the stupid little podcast. That's a presented by Amy Schumer. Burt Sagetits. Famously bumped by Natasha Leggero.

Who's not even as famous as Amy Schumer, so it makes me even more of a loser. Yeah, you can come see us in the Pacific Northwest. Dates being announced soon. Get on the email list. Let us know where you are.

We want to come see you guys. As for me personally, you can come see me in Los Angeles the 27th at Unnecessary Evil at the Westside Comedy Theater. And I got some fucking shit in San Diego in August and whatever. I'll get to it later. We're also going to be at Skankfest in New York. Oh, yes. We'll be there too. We're all on it. That's when we're going to play our big charity cornhole game

and decide who has the whitest podcast. We're actually hosting a beer pong tournament there as well. Are you really? Can you play if you can't drink in your partner's store? What's the over-under on number of unpro... What's the over-under on number... No, you give it to your partner.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll drink your beer. But it doesn't change his level of inebriation. Yeah, it's got to affect... All right, we'll... Tom, we give Tom one more... We give him one more concussion every time he misses. Yeah.

Just hit him in the head with one of those doctor reflex hammers. Yeah, we give him the three stooges he wanted. One lumps of two, you know? Just make him hold his breath for a little too long. I got pancreatitis so I can drink like twice a year but I fucking love beer pop.

Yeah. I love throwing it up and stuff. Yeah, this is your one time. I think the New York Police Department is just like stocking up on rape kits because they're like

skank fest is next weekend. We got to make sure we have enough of these. I mean, we're still going to leave Stop worrying about that murder because wage slaves from all over the country have been saving up all year to go look at Dave Smith in the flesh for a few fleeting moments at the Brooklyn Bazaar. The rape kid obviously is like, all right, everybody, get ready to really go through the motions this weekend. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We have to use them all on Jamie Kilstein's mouth. So he's mobbed by guys who are mad he's not edgy enough again uh also if you're in fresno california you can see me uh july 27th and 28th at the chico's in clovis and then i'll be out in the northwest with connor and tom uh first week's august nice yeah i'll be uh i'll be at headlining the chico's i think the 18th and the 19th i don't have my phone on me so i can't confirm that but keeping your perfect streak of never once understanding how to plug. I understand how to plug.

I just don't have the resources right now. It's a different problem. The resources. Yeah, the phone. 140 episodes in. I'll see you guys at Skankfest. Thanks for coming in. You guys are great.

Fuck everything. God is dead. I don't know. I'm just going for a walk with my newborn baby and it... Hello. I'm a big gay fag and this is my son. That I made with my dick and my pussy. This is my son, Julius

Dairy Queen. Keep the choice.