Mean Boys - EP 139 - Cripple Trigger (feat. Jessica Michelle Singleton)

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

Get tickets to our live show in Portland, OR on August 9th: https://eventbrite.com/e/mean-boys-live-the-big-legrowlski-in-portland-or-10pm-tickets-47943987758 Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Ignorance is Blessed: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ignorance-is-blessed/id1169111367?mt=2 Subscribe to our YouTube channel : https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Jessica Michelle Singleton on Twitter: twitter.com/jmscomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, everybody, it's another episode of America's Favorite Podcast, WTF with the Mean Boys. I'm Connor. I'm the other one. I'm Tom. Yeah. We're saying our names now? I don't know, man. I was trying a new thing and it failed pretty bad.

We are all dying of sun poisoning. Yeah, guys, it's about 100 degrees and it's 11 o'clock at fucking night. Yeah, you're about to hear the fucking ravages of heat death in this fucking episode. Good thing we did this at high noon with my wonderful ex-girlfriend, Jessica Michelle Singleton. Listen to her podcast, Ignorance is Blessed, where she sits down with somebody

that has a different way of life or condition or something than she does. A condition, be it dumb or gay. Transition, I was on the show oh i mean like she's a i guess like had like a i don't know it's a it's a fine way to describe it yeah she's an interviewer and she uh asks people ignorant questions about their uh their issues and uh uh it's very very funny there will be a link for that in the show notes uh leave her a five-star review where you uh talk about how small my dick is and uh follow on Twitter, at JMSComedy, to see

all the up-to-the-minute gossip about what I did wrong in our relationship. And this is a great episode. I loved having Jessica on. And while you're over there fucking helping her podcast out, leave us a review, man. This guy writes, self-loathing, five stars. The best podcast to affirm my

self-loathing. Alright, I don't know. Sorry, bro. I like it. I don't want to make you guys hate yourself. I want to make you guys love life. We want you to love us hating each other. Yeah, that's what it is. We want to be like the giver but for calling each other mean things. How many reviews are we at right now? 317. You know what that means,

Keith? Only 83 away from interviewing a vampire. Pretty much. My mom will do the show. Yeah, we're going to... We need the 400 reviews. We do have to crank her up to the roof and wait for a lightning storm,

but we've allocated the budget and the Patreon to make that happen. Speaking of which, this month we're doing... My child is an honor student at the Van Damme Academy Puppet Stickers. I'm so happy. I ordered 500 of them. And I...

Wait, what? I'm so happy. I ordered 500 of them. Wait, what? I ordered a lot. The difference between getting 100 and 500 was like $8, and I was like, I don't not want 400 more of these. What's so funny is that is the one piece of merch that we literally cannot do anything else with, except I'm going to mail some to the VanDammeAcademy. I'm going to wallpaper Tom's room with them while he's out of town.

We're kidding. Tom doesn't have a room. Yeah. You mean our kitchen? I'm going to wallpaper our dining room. The answer is showing through them. We side with Tom. Yes.

Destroy the fatriarchy. So, yeah, get those. Only $10 if you want one of those in the mail. And I ordered the Calvin and Hobbes decals. Those are on the way. And when we get to $2,000, which we're only about $300 away, we're going to do another Snark Week, Snark Week 2. If you're a new listener, that tones tell you everything you need to know.

And honestly, here's the money move. Do it while it's still summertime, and you're going to hear the most miserable fucking human beings you've ever heard in your life. We pledge, if you get us to $2,000 for Snark Week 2 by the end of this month, we will not put a fan in here while we do it. Yeah, we won't. I'll be able to afford an air conditioner, but I will belay the purchase just to bum us out.

No, I mean, if you're a new listener to the show, Snark Week is a thing we did last year. We did seven podcasts in seven days, fully written, fully sketched, edited, produced, plus seven bonus episodes and it was horrible it was a descent into fuck basically we had three of our greatest episodes of all time and then like four of the worst yeah and i i've it sent me it sent me spiraling into a depression from which i am barely recovering yeah and we will if you guys get us to meet our uh fucking snark week too we will do some insane bullshit we're gonna be on the road. We're going all over the Pacific Northwest. We'll announce all the dates soon.

But as of right now, you can come see us in motherfucking Portland, Oregon. August 9th at the Big Legralski. Ticket links for that will be in the show notes. And at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington. All three mean boys doing a stand-up show. It's a live podcast in Portland. Stand-up show at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington.

Ticket link for that is coming soon. We can't wait to see you guys we've been trying to get up to the old pnw for a while that's gonna be awesome yeah and uh other than that we uh we got a youtube page go ahead and throw us a sub over there make the numbers go up make us look good for the uh corporate powers that be and follow us on twitter instagram like us on facebook and go get involved in the mean boys subreddit. There's a pretty funny post about Keith going around in there right now. Let me pull it up here. Oh, shit. It's a picture of a Shrek glass that says Keith and his stepdad's new antiques roadshow piece

from when Keith got the gift of the Magi by Shrek swag. Yeah. And, yeah, we've got to wrap up the intro because we're doing this too late. Nope, he just got home, and I don't want him to be mad. So listen to the podcast. We love you. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

If you love something, set it free. If you're lucky, it'll come back and give your shitty show relevance. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Jessica Michelle Singleton. And I'm... The worst thing that ever happened to me. I'm beating out a Waffle House abandonment.

Your face. There's a lot of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like mom came home and we're like, oh, can we go live with you? Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. You can you? We have to get you out of here. You guys do need to be rescued. Even my family, they're like, what happened to that Jessica girl? She was great. And I was like,

I happened. Oh, God. His family likes you. It's nice to have a family like me for once. My family always likes my girlfriends a bunch more than me, I think, because they're always like, oh, they're fun. And I'm just sulking and being like, yeah, Marty, dumb shorts, you know, like and there's Connor standing in the corner staring at everyone with the emotional intelligence of a skunk about to be hit by a car. Yeah.

Fuck ruin. Well, we were we're talking off mic about my dick and uh it is so small it is it's micro scott i i might and here's the thing you can't defend your dick without sounding like you have the smallest dick of all time right so it's not the smallest dick it's not even a small dick it's a very normal dick yeah you're just an abnormally large you're like a kid with a pituitary gland problem that didn't affect your dick. I'm a kid? Me?

Not the 4'11 woman? I lack a bit. I am a Neanderthal. Thank you. You do look like a sexy Cro-Magnon. This is weird. I did 23andMe.com, and they just keep updating their technology, and I have more Neanderthal genes than 80% of the other people on the website.

Whoa, hell yeah. So that's why I have strong bones that are falling apart. Yeah. Oh, that's, by the way, arthritis. They thought that Neanderthals were a hunchback and now they're like, they probably had arthritis. Oh, shit.

Anyway, I'm going to die. So let's talk about your dick. Yeah, I mean, of course it's small. I have caveman AIDS. Hey, you're welcome. I mean, the reality about Connor small. I have caveman AIDS. Hey, you're welcome. I mean, the reality about Conner's dick is just because he's so tall. I got kidney stones and Flintstones. Like if Tom had your dick, we'd be like, okay.

That's not a bad dick. But you're like giant, so it's just like... The real issue is how flaccid it is. Oh, that's probably on me. You want to trade dicks? Well, I mean, yeah. You said that so sincerely. Dick swap.

The flaccidity is probably the bigger issue. This is Summer on ABC. Dick swap. I just, you know, I have performance anxiety. And it's like once I do a bad job, I'm like, I'm going to do a bad job again. And then it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I can basically fuck someone until I fucked them poorly.

And then I'm like, I should just quit. Yeah, so we were done from day one. Yeah. Hey, we had good sex probably three or four times. Yeah, that one time we almost rolled over and killed a dog. That was pretty funny. Yeah. Don't worry, Jessica's okay, but why was there a dog in your room? Yeah, we don't own a dog. Hey, everyone's got their thing.

Yeah, we kind of... Everybody listening, yeah, we know, but we metooed a Yorkshire Terrier. Okay, well, it was a Chihuahua. Oh, okay. What was his name again? Coco.

Those were the easiest dogs to kill. Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you guys seen Coco? This was way better. You fucking a dog? Listen, I was dog sitting. He came to this house. We sort of forgot the dog was in the bed.

Okay. And then we nearly killed it. I kept accidentally rolling over on the dog. I think that's when I was like, I'm into this guy. And really, I think I was just into a small animal almost being killed. I'm picturing you looking at Jessica, then looking at a terrified chihuahua and being like, which one is the, where do I go? You're not wrong. Which one do I fuck?

Where does my load belong? The hot one or the one that talks? We should recap our... This one's got six nipples So it wins by default I was thinking I was thinking about Our torrid love affair And it's funny

I forget that it started Because we took We split a weed edible And then I said that today to someone Is that I was like Oh it felt magical And then I looked back

And I'm like We were on edibles Yeah yeah We just I was like This is such a magical feeling Oh it was drugs Yeah yeah

And it was like It was drugs and friendship Yeah it was like it was drugs and friendship yeah you know if you if you look if it can be misdiagnosed as love yeah you just squinted and you're like i think we're like should we try to well that's i don't know about you well i would i would say that we were in love though you know it's hot in here i think so too but i think it wasn't supposed to be a i don't have to go into the details of i mean it wasn't i don't think we were supposed to be in a relationship love i think it was just like we cared about each other and we're supposed to be good ass bros yeah yeah for sure and we tried to like smush parts to

be like i don't know but i have emotion i'm like fucked up emotionally i don't know if anyone maybe keith you can relate to this we're like i have like a sexual thing where i don't know how to love people so i'm like i get i care about you so I guess I should try to, I should fuck you? 100%. Should I put your dick in me because I love you? I would say 99% of the people who I've ever been like,

you are my ride or die bro or like, you know, friend, I'm like, well, I should obviously fuck you. Yeah,

I fucked so many people that I'm like, oh, I didn't want to fuck you, I just loved you and I didn't know how to tell you. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And me, I don't know, I can't accept love of any kind, be it in the form of pussy or support,

you know? Yeah, we're also that way. I'm not a sociopath. I'm Irish, okay? Stop making that your defining quality. Ugh, even worse. Wait, what?

I just said that's a t-shirt. Oh, yeah. Yuck. Yeah, I'll be selling those on the road. I mean, I have a four-leaf clover tattoo on my cunt, so I'm right there. I'm with you.

Oh yeah. Can we, can we talk about the joke that, uh, that, uh, that I wrote about it that I now do, you now do.

Yeah. Yeah. She got this joke in the divorce. Uh, it was, uh, it was part of the deal. You insisted I take it.

I was like, keep it. And you're like, no, I don't want to say it anymore. And I was like, well then I'm throwing it in there. It feels mean to say.

It is mean. Uh, I have a tattoo of a four leafleaf clover above my pussy. The way I phrase it is, the last guy I dated said it was like if a vagina could wear a Who Farted t-shirt. Well, the best part is that it says lucky you. Oh, I forgot to say that. It says lucky you.

You forgot what was tattooed on your pussy. You are a mess. Isn't that the Lucky Brand logo? Did you ask the tattoo guy for the font that best expressed sarcasm? I wish I had. No, I went like full cursive because I thought it was funny. I was like, I want it to look real dramatic. And also, if you get a tattoo on

your pussy and you don't sometimes forget that you have what is there, you shouldn't be getting a tattoo on your pussy. There's a porn star that I enjoy named Bunny Della Cruz. She's a big girl. I got a BBW. Yeah, you know her, right, Connor? Yeah, Connor loves fat girl porn,

as we've all learned from guests who just said. Okay, we all knew that. I like a lot of different kinds of porn. Yeah, fat and fatter. Super fat, super fat. Fat girl eating linguine porn. I don't watch feeder porn, all right? Why not?

You don't watch feeder porn, my dude. I don't watch feeder porn. You made less eye contact somehow when you said that. It's literally pulled up on his laptop right now. He's like scrambling to shut it. I'm annoyed because no one will believe me. No, you're so fucked, dude. It's not theater porn. It's a food blog. It's like...

Oh, but if Anthony Bourdain does it, it's art. Free the nipple. Put a pepperoni on it. It's just covered in spaghetti the point of the big issue is that lady has a spaghetti poop that in itself is

it's weird that that alone makes it weird that we even dated what that I like fat chicks? that you like love fat girls I've like dated and been with sexually a very wide variety of women I like fat chicks? That you like love fat girls. I've like dated and been with sexually a very wide variety of women. I like... Yeah.

Extra wide, preferably. Damn, that's so good. God damn it. Okay, yeah, you're double wide, you trailer trash. Thank you for thinking I could afford

a double wide trailer. I'm very successful. Yeah. No, yeah, I don't know. i'm always just like do we is the i'm about the banter probably above anything white or die i'm sorry yeah yeah are you that's what attracts you you're like this is good banter i mean and then they get naked and you're like it wasn't worth the banter you get horny for crowd work i think you need to fucking take a week off i know yeah well no that's the thing it's like like I realize like a lot of people that I like have dated.

It's just like, oh, I just like found someone I like talking to. Like, you know, like for me, that's like I don't really want anything from the person I'm dating. I don't really want them to do stuff for me. It makes me uncomfortable. You know, but it's I'm like, oh, I'm like, he's uncomfortable. I'll do more. What? Watching from the outside. Yeah. Like a dog who was really trying to impress its owner. Oh, oh. And I'm like, he's uncomfortable. I'll do more. Watching from the outside,

like you guys felt like a dog who was really trying to impress its owner by wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah. I'm fucked. You were just a man who is allergic to dogs. So I would walk into the kitchen to make coffee and I would just hear your, you know,

eager gerbil pitching fucking fuck noises. Yeah. And then I could just feel Connor just going, ah. I feel like those probably weren't even fuck noises. We were probably just doing weird characters. Oh, yeah, we do. Well, you used to make your pussy lips talk like Louis Armstrong,

which is the greatest bit of all time. It was so funny. Hey, mean boy. Come up and see me sometime, mean boy. Probably a sign that you shouldn't be dating someone when you're that comfortable with them, I think. I think you should be a little uncomfortable showing your vagina to the person you love.

I don't know what love is. I'm a love. No, that's lunacy. That was a good character we did. And then our deformed son, Klumpas. Oh, no. Klumpas was actually the allegedly aborted or miscarried Connor McSpadden fetus. Oh, that's right. You got that dead baby.

Allegedly. I really don't know. I existed. I paid for an abortion once. Damn it, Klumpas. You got that dead baby. Allegedly. I really don't know. I existed. I paid for an abortion once. Damn it, Klumpas. You get out of here. I was a god. Why don't you love me? Because you're...

Dude, we're fucked up, you guys. You're in front of God, Klumpas. We definitely should have always just been bros. It shouldn't be like, hey, I'm your aborted son. You want to fuck now? Yeah. I feel so much more comfortable being around you guys now

just as friends than I ever did when you were dating. I was always comfortable with you guys. I had no idea there were any problems in the relationship. We were very cute together, but we're both very cute, and we'd be cute with anybody, you know? So it was misleading. More me, though. You were the one who tried to get me to eat soup, right?

Here's the thing. I'm cute in any relationship because people are like, what? Connor can love? You know? That was you, right? I think everyone I've dated has tried to get him to eat soup. Here's the thing. I'm cute in any relationship because people are like, what? Connor can love? That was you, right? I think everyone I've dated has tried to get me to try soup. I think that you made

a bigger deal about the soup and then that made me panic about the soup. Look, I got a little upset about the soup. It ended up being a pretty profitable run for us. But then when you told everyone,

then I was like, you told me about the soup. No, no, no. This is like a shitty Seinfeld episode. No, that was about, that was two girls before you. Well, fuck them. And I think the first girl yeah, yeah, who was like

My soup is better. My poop soup. Never mind. It's nothing. He's eating soup now. I tried to eat your ass and you were like, no, abort, abort. I remember that conversation. Wait, would you not want to eat your ass? No, because I was like, this your ass no because well yeah you're just like i was sweet of you to offer but the don't go in there and i was like and then i was like i have somebody tried to open a closet that you know

it's just full of like in my in my defense i got it confused with their pussy they're very similar looking they're just holes on flat white surface they're just brown bullet holes hey my pussy i think is more pink than brown. You have a nice pussy. I have a... You know, I'm not going to... I'll take all the heat from my dick, but I'm not going to go around spreading lies.

I think I have a good... I'll spread something. No, I won't. I think my pussy is photographically not bad. Okay. Not that I photograph it. But my butthole is just like that really light, like really light white girl

with the brown butthole like it's got the brown skin instead of the peach it's like a butthole oh but I was like what if you this is a deep seated fear I was like

what if you eat my ass and then there was like a turd in it and he's like well I'm not gonna keep eating and I'm just like ooh we got company how deep do you think

your ass is getting eaten? He's not roto-rooting in there. I mean, I don't know. Look at him. He's sad. If it's in the chamber enough that his tongue is going to hit it, you know it's there. Yeah. Then go poop.

You don't know what my bowels are like. I get surprised gunshots all the time. I assume they look like when Beetlejuice turns the room into a circus. Have you ever heard of, what is that thing at Yellowstone National Park? You know, the geyser? Yeah, that's what my asshole's kind of like, but it's not predictable.

Nothing would have made me happier than if you shit in Connors. Yeah, if you shit in my... Hey, boo-boo! It would have been karma for all the times Connors just farted on me. It would have been glorious. Yeah. Connnors just farted on me. It would have been glorious.

Connors farted on everyone. Well, look. No, I'm specifically farting on my career for six years. The time that I farted under the covers and then it was like I lifted them up to get out and then it looked like you got punched in the face by the smell. You're just like, oh, God, I hit like like it was like world war one trench gas just that internal like i deserve better as i choke to death hey wait everybody did you i don't think you farted in front of me did you wait i feel like i feel like you did it occasionally yeah

i did i farted in front of you when we were high on shrooms, and it was the most baritone fart I've ever had. I forgot about this. It was like a tuba. Jessica farted, and it was just like. It was like a barge was taking off in the desert up by Joshua Tree. Because it was just. It was like the lowest note on a trombone. And I was like, how does your body have enough mass to create a note that low?

I'm releasing the demons. Doesn't it have more to do with the shape of the butt? What? Tom. You would think that. No, hang on. Let Tom explain. Let Tom explain buttock.

Because if I had butt cheeks, it would be higher pitched and whistle. But since it's wide open, it's just like a hole. If you've got a loosey hole, then it's going to be bassier. If you've got a tight hole, it's going to be like... I have a tight butt hole. It's just like no cheeks around it. It doesn't have that extra... Tom Goss Moonlights is a butt hole tuner.

He goes around to church basements tuning up butt holes. What about your butt hole? You have no butt cheeks? I feel like my butt hole, it should sound like it whistles. Yeah, butt cheeks are like putting a my butthole, it should sound like it whistles. But cheeks are like putting a capo on a guitar. Yeah. They raise the pitch of the fart.

Yeah, I don't know. You have butt cheeks. No, I don't. I mean, not enough. I have like bones that are probably starting to become deformed that almost look like butt cheeks.

Yeah, you have a tail that is forming into the illusion of cheeks. Yeah, which is kind of nice. Well, you have two just calcified boulders. They're just rheumatoid nodules that look like butt cheeks. Your anus is growing a helmet, isn't it?

What's helping? It's just nice to finally have something, you know? Yeah, well, I do definitely have a fatter ass than you. I got a little bit of a donk. Yeah, everyone. I have no butt, and it's always been a source of shame to me. Yeah, you guys got Hank Hill butts. It's pretty funny.

That's sad. Well, especially like when I was on Grindr, dudes would be like, send me a picture of your ass. I'm like. Because they're like, surely you have a big booty. Well, you would think, right? You have the fat girl with no tits. A lot of people don't think like fat people. Oh, the fat girl with no tits.

Are you talking about a spaghetti boob? They're fat from sitting. Their asses are going to be flat. Yeah, spread out. They're fat from sitting. Their asses are going to be flat. Yeah, yeah. They're just spread out. I sit because I hurt. And now my butt is fading. I sit because my bones are trying to kill me.

Every day is a struggle. Yeah. And that's the, yeah. Oh, man. I don't know. Well, we're all fired up. I feel like you probably have a big butt from having to clench your cheeks to keep Keith from raping you. Well, Jess, we don't make rape jokes on this show.

Okay, well, I did. I'm going to sodomize you in your sleep. Oh, man, it'd be great if I had a rape joke, but I don't think I do. Not this week. No, I'm not going to rape. I want Connor to surrender himself willingly. That's half the thing. Oh, yeah.

That's the whole battle for me, isn't it? I want him to break. What is our show? It's so truthful. What do you teach Keith how to seduce me? Uh, just... I don't know.

Can you do an impression of... Yeah, that's true. He's doing everything I did. Yeah, can you make your penis... Only fatter, so I don't know

how it's not working. It's true. It's the best in the world. He should be your dream girl. Could you make your penis lips like sing like Al Green Yeah you know I could Can you just make them do

A trumpet solo We talked about this when my little brother was on the show But he used to do this thing when he was a little kid He would just take his wiener out And just pull the dick lips apart And just make him do Marlon Brando's voice The amount of times I've made dick lips talk or had to stop myself

from wanting to be like, hey, you did a pretty good job after I sucked a dick. It's astounding. Yeah, I don't like to have my dick lips pried apart. It feels weird, right? I don't want to have them

puppet, I don't even do it. I just worry something's going to fall in there. I just only want to do it and sing sad songs. Oh, yeah, well, yeah, that'd be funny. You know what it is?

It's like, you remember 28 days later when, like, the guy looks up and, like, right when the bird drops the blood and it just lands in his eyeball. Yes, yes. Like that, but something bad

is going to fall on my dick. Oh, yeah, yeah. Keith's tooth falls out of his dick. My what? That's where it was. Man, I've never seen a cavity in a cavity before.

Well, I've heard of cavity searches, but this is ridiculous. Oh, for Christ's sake a cavity in a cavity before. Well, I've heard of cavity searches, but this is ridiculous. Oh, for Christ's sake. It's a Mexican joke. Ay, so topical. All right, guys. 21 people had to be treated for rabies exposure after a man rescued a baby raccoon. In my defense, I thought Jessica and I had already had our shots when we started dating.

It begins. I wanted to get that one out of the way. All right. A two-year-old toddler in Fresno has died from a self-inflicted gunshot. You know, I told Connor not to take guns on the road to the laundromats, he had lines, but he just wouldn't listen. You guys are like the Abbott and Costello of people who can't fuck no more. Yeah, yeah.

Death feels good. Oh, I mean, we could. You're faggot and Costello. We could fuck. Do I be Costello? We'd have to do it on top of my puke. No, you're faggot and Costello. We could fuck. Do I be Costello? We'd have to do it on top of my puke. No, you're faggot. Fuck you.

Hey, fuck you. We're getting back together. Absolutely not, ever. I can absolutely see that being a move, though. Two weeks later, you're like, why did I do that? No, dude, let's... That would be a huge mistake. Oh, no.

Wow, no, Connor doesn't do that. Huge mistakes? This is episode 140. Again and again. Sounds like a mean voice. Yeah, man. I've never... You guys...

You know, everyone knows what's going on here. That was barely a sentence. I'm very hot and tired. I gather. I'm Tom. Shut up, Dad. So, Ice. You guys know Ice.

Not the cold water. The agency. Ice has... Oh, Dad. So, ice. You guys know ice. Not the cold water, the agency. Ice has... Oh, shit. Good news, guys. I just got signed to ice. Imagine if Tom didn't know that and he's reading this headline and he's like, I don't understand ice. They gave me a uniform for auditions.

The bags of ice? Okay, so it could be a water, a gas, a solid, or a racist. Okay. Or a plasma. I think that's like a hotter racist. Yeah, that's a cube with a racist. Okay. Or a plasma. I think that's like a hotter racist. Yeah, that's a cube with a gun. So ICE has seized $43 million worth of counterfeit clothing and accessories, smuggled in from Mexico. ICE stated real American clothing is made in China.

If a kid didn't use an iPhone to map out the nearest Seppuku starter kit, this garbage is for Canadians. Tom. Tom. I'm not confused. Oh, no, it's not working. Quick, do a longer, more incomprehensible punchline. Tom is reading from his real-time packet. Real Tom with Bill Maher.

Real Tom with Tom Gull. All right. The British government has banned research into gay conversion. In the UK, gay conversion is just some queer explaining to you how the metric system works. I love that. That's cute. A German pharmacist

was sentenced to 12 years in jail for diluting cancer drugs. Turns out his parents really can taste when they're watered down. Like when you go out of town and your parents are like, I can taste when the rum's bottled and watered down. Alright, let me talk more about ice. Okay. Rum bottled water. You guys, I'm

You're dying. I'm delirious from pussy fumes. Sorry about that. They are hefty. It's a hot one. Your pussy never really smelled. It seems like it would. Is that true? It seems like it would. No, it never really did. It's like a diamond in the rough. You don't expect it to...

You're like, wow. I feel like I do seem like I'd have a stinky pussy. You're like, wow, there are some good restaurants in Tulsa. I think your pussy would smell fine, but I think it would be hairy beyond what you could have possibly expected. Depends on the day. Like a sidewinder hair. It's hairy to the butthole. No. That's my guess. I will

say you have pretty soft pubes going for you. Thank you. Thank God I have something going for me. My soft pubes. You use the fancy conditioner for the rich people dogs and it keeps them very... I have to keep the fleas out.

Soft pubes like a selling point? Have you ever gone down on someone with hard pubes? It hurts. I have a very bad nervous system. Have you ever fucked a on someone with hard pubes? It hurts. I have a very bad nervous system. Have you ever fucked a black girl, Tom? I know you've got a Brillo pad scraping across the bridge of your nose. I have very Aryan pubes. Yeah, black girl pubes are pretty...

I'm like, ooh, I exfoliated. Ow. Yeah, that's how I feel when I go down on guys with rigid... Especially if a guy tried to shave his shit or something, or he just has to, or when you make out with a dude with a beard. Yeah. It does feel like exfoliating. It's kind of nice, but not good on my pussy.

I trim it down, but I don't shave. When you shave, it gets scratchy, and that's no fun for me. Yeah, well, it's the growing back. It happens for women, too, where you're like, I'm going to shave, or I'm going to wax and be like so hot, and then three days later, you're like, oh, bitches. I'm licking the wet part of a porcupine. Oh, wow.

I've always wanted to give head to a nine-volt battery. Yeah, oh, it's like I'm tongue-fucking one of those things you put your face in and the little needles go out. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of different ways to describe pussy, guys. It's beautiful. Good. It's good.

My first boyfriend, when I broke up with him, was like, he was mad, so he said, my pussy stinks. He's like, your pussy always stunk. And I'm like, well, you always ate it. So like, what? There's bad bro thought. You're stupid. Anyway, speaking of stinky pussy, that's not a thing.

Popular produce brand Del Monte Vegetables have been linked to an outbreak that has sickened more than 200. Fortunately, no risk for anyone here at the Mean Boys Podcast Where everyone's living on a steady diet of Mountain Dew And cans of Frito-Lay bean dip Hey It's K We can't afford a name brand mean dip

In the morning, I go and open some up for Keith Like cat food And I put it on the floor And he goes and licks it out That's the only way you get him to do the podcast? You lure him in? Keith, look, we gotta to do two more segments. Then you get some wet food.

Like, where's Keith? I believe I was promised room temperature milk. You open a bag of Cheetos and he comes running. Oh, man. Keith the other day was. Keith was like, his girlfriend's over. And we're hanging out in the living room. And he just goes, well, good to see you guys.

You want to go eat those Cheetos? That was a big night. Well, we had. There was also when you. We had a big bag of Cheetos? That was a big night. Well, we had Cheetos. There was also when you won. We had a big bag of Cheetos. We did. We got high and bought a bunch of snacks. That's just such a Keats night plan.

No, no, no. It's such an amazing date, though. I think it was after you walked into the kitchen shirtless with two empty pizza boxes, and I was sitting on Tom's bed, and I just went, well, well, well, those are very fat errands you're running right now. Yeah. You couldn't even bump me out. I was like, okay, yeah, you beat me are very fat errands you're running right now. Yeah. You couldn't even bump me out. I was like, okay, yeah, you beat me.

I had a bunch of sex and ate a pizza. Yeah, yeah. Imagine being so fat that eating is like an activity. I don't know. What do you do all day? Just feel bad? Yeah. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, no. Some of us are just okay with ourselves and then we get carbs. Sorry, man. I'm jealous of you. That's why you should be. I'm very happy. I quit eating carbs because they get carbs. Sorry, man. I'm jealous of you. That's why you should be. I'm very happy. I quit eating carbs because they were hurting my bones, not because I wanted to be skinny. Well, now I feel bad for being skinny.

Always back to the bones. Bone shame me. My skeleton is bad. Oh, man. I live with debilitating pain. I will be in pain until I die, most likely by my own hand. Why don't you just fuck your skeleton, Jessica?

My hands can't kill me. They're too riddled with arthritis. You're trying to shoot yourself. That's my biggest fear. You won't be able to trigger your fingers. I won't be able to trigger my fingers? We had a deal. Even if we broke up, I have to carry her on a front-facing baby harness so she can do her sets at the

comedy store. And when the time comes, I will kill you. Thank you. That's all I want is someone to kill me when I'm on it. They also have like a cripple trigger

for some guns. I forgot what it's called. It's definitely not called a cripple trigger but this episode might be. Yeah, yeah. It's called cripple trigger. I'm just saying

there's always a way if there's a will and a bump stock. I think it's called bump stock. I'll just wheel myself off a cliff. Oh, man. How are you going to tweet about me if your hands don't work? How do you drive to the cliff? It's going to be an electric wheelchair.

I'm very successful. I get stuck on a tiny pebble and I'm like, no. My fucking old lady Tesla broke. I just slowly roll backwards to society. You've got like three years before you've got to figure that out. It'll be all right. You're probably right. That's optimistic.

Anyway. Oh, yeah, it's Tom's turn. Oh, okay. Yes. Dr. Oz has stated that a man gains an inch of his penis every 30 pounds he loses, meaning all I need to do to have the biggest dick in the world is weigh 45 pounds. All neck. See, that's why my dick's not bigger

is because I'm so svelte. You know? Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. England is headed to the World Cup. When asked for comment, one British queer exclaimed, actually, across the pond,

we call it the world 236.6 milliliters. You're really into this metric system. You're on a kick. It was a double up, and it would have been funny if it didn't take nine hours to get around to the table that time.

Oh, yeah. It would have been so funny, dude. Somebody talks too much. It would have been hilarious. All right, all right. Yeah, you know what's funny? You eating Cheetos with your girlfriend. That's good comedy.

I think that's love, and I'm happy for you. Connor McSpadden, the inventor of podcasts. Can I have some of the Cheetos? Are there any left? You know there are. Do you remember when I was...

Hot Cheetos are regular. A jalapeno. This is me on a diet. Explain the Cheetos. Oh, yeah. Tell me slower. Are they the skinny crunchy or the puffs?

They don't make the puff. It's the skinny crunchy jalapeno. They should make more flavors in the puffs. See, I go with the crunchy over the jalapeno. I like the crunchy, but I feel like there's a crowd

for the puff. This is... Okay, I didn't realize this was your diet. This is why your pussy tastes like an ashtray. No, that's because I fuck myself with cigarettes because your dick wasn't big enough oh you marlboro half a man oh man this is this is great podcasting do you remember when uh when you got me into that sticker app and i was sending you my dick in different outfits

yeah that was like a summertime like vacation dick you know? Still got some of those. Just your dick and hats. And I was like, well, at least the hat looks nice. Like, oh, the hat'll try. Oh, yeah. I'd rather fuck the hat. You cheated on me with a sombrero. All right, guys. Why is banned sunscreen thought to be harmful to coral reefs? Just the latest proof of a government-backed white genocide.

I get it. I like it. Oh, you just spit all over your government-backed white genocide. I get it. I like it. Oh, you just spit all over your face, dude. I know what I did. I did it because I wanted to. I'm out of, I don't know, I'm out of, give a fuck. You're joking. I don't want to do my next job.

All right, come on, everybody, rally up. Yeah, yeah, we got this. All right, the world's fattest hedgehog has been placed on a diet. Fuck you, preemptively. Animal experts are concerned that the success of the keto diet has given Keith the Hedgehog

a dangerously inflated ego. It's not funny. But it's about you losing weight. Yeah, you egotistical hedgehog. He lost 10 pounds and now he has started spitting on hobos.

I was doing that before. Oh, it's true. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's how you and your mom say hi. This is a Keith Carey secret handshake. Merry Christmas to you, son. It's tradition.

Hey, oppa. Everybody covered. I get the rolling pin. I got to hit my favorite son in the nards. You're getting nard tapped by your hobo mom, bro. And then they shotgun natty lights. Yeah, yeah. Do our arms like twisted around each other like we're at a Jewish wedding?

As opposed to Jessica's family, that shotgun marries Natty Lights. You put a baby in my daughter, you gotta take her hand in marriage. Oh, God. Nathaniel Light. Nathaniel Light. A mother was in

shock when her seven-year-old daughter's avatar was getting gang raped in the video game Roblox. Damn, that seven-year-old sounds really bad at video games. Hell yeah, Tom. I wrote that like two nights ago. I just laughed to myself for 30 minutes. I'm like, no one's going to think this is funny as me. Oh no, that's funny dude.

Like what button do you push to gang rape? I don't know. It's up, up, down, left, right,

Up, up, down, down, down, down, down, down,

down, down. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been accused of groping a journalist. Sources say this is not the first time Canada's

president has grabbed women by the poutine. I like that and also I'm going to become a journalist immediately Sources say this is not the first time Canada's president has grabbed women by the poutine. I like that and also I'm going to become a journalist immediately. The heat, pussy, and snacks has really stunted

your writing. Okay. I liked it. Yeah. No, I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just trying to get... That's exactly what you were doing. It's mean, boys.

I'm not trying to be mean, but your happiness has ruined your craft. Yeah, I mean, I was just trying to get a fun riff going. Love makes people unfunny. I know that's what we're doing right now. I was trying to do a thing where you'd be like, hey man, I'm happiness has ruined your craft. Yeah, I mean, I was just trying to get a fun riff going. Love makes people unfunny. I was trying to do a thing where you'd be like, hey man, I'm Groovalicious, dude.

You're talking to Summertime Keith. I try. I'm basically just a refrigerator wearing sunglasses. Let's go to the beach. You were just trying to turn him into a morning zoo? Yeah, yeah. You know, like how your pussy smells. A zoo in the morning. Hey, have you been to a zoo in the morning?

It's actually quite refreshing. That's the best time to go to the zoo. What the fuck just happened? Because they fecesed less. There's still dew everywhere? Not as much shit as there is in the afternoons? Yeah. If your pussy gets wet overnight, do people call that morning dew?

I think that would be funny. Morning dew me. Okay. Oh, man. Morning pussy smells weird. Is it like morning breath? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

It is a little more tart. Is morning pussy like pussy in the morning or pussy at a funeral? Who's with me? Morning pussy kind of tastes like an IPA, you know? It's an acquired taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My pussy is Bud Light across the board. For a great taste that won't fill you up and will always let you down.

Okay. Okay. A 13-year-old boy had to have a USB cord removed from his urethra. I always put it in the wrong way first too. Good one.

I liked it. Thanks, guys. Thank God you didn't have the heat stunt and you could come up with that original charm. Dude, I've been writing jokes all week

for like 12 hours a day, and I'm fucking done. I'm very successful. All right. Oh, man, Keith is doing it. Here's a... I'm dying, dude. It's so hot. I'm just trying to fan.

Can we just open this door? No, we'll be too loud. Yeah, we can open it. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to fan a little bit of oxygen into this room, and I'm wafting the smell of garbage into my mouth. I'm going to be honest, that's probably wafting

from over here. I would be tempted to take my shirt off, but I'm really out of shape and I still want Jessica to think that I'm thriving without her. Nobody thinks so. Everybody knows it. That's why they don't even have to think it because it's an obvious fact. I can see your boobs. Hey, whoa.

Just because I'm sweating through my... God is breaking up with way more successful women. Yeah, dude. You're not wrong. Residents in China claim to see the eye of God when a cloud apparition that looked like the heavens opening up appeared in the sky. Many claim a voice from the sky could be heard saying,

I'm here to collect the debts of all ye who have pee-pee'd in my coat. Hoof, hoof, hoof, hoof. That made me happy. Oh, it really smells like garbage now. God, should I shut the door? Should I shut my legs? No, you should. You're like, damn it, you fucking...

No, we get it. A pussy is bad. I'm literally melting this leather chair. Leather on pussy stink is not good. Yeah, bro. Fucking everything's going great, dude. We're all fucking. We make so much money on Patreon.

All right, come on, guys. I'm going to die. I'm trying to figure out which bad joke to do. Hey, all of them are bad, so just dive in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about jokes or dating? Huh?

Right, guys? Men. Wine. Are you alive? Are you just saying white girl things? Trying to. Okay. British soccer hooligans rioted at Ikea after England beat Sweden in the World Cup.

This makes as much sense as America riding at Taco Bells after winging at border capture the flag. Too many moving parts there. Yeah, I move a lot. I move parts. Do you, Tom? I'm just mad I wasn't there to loot an Ikea. What would you loot from Ikea? I don't know.

Just a big, like a reasonable grocery bag full of meatballs? More shelves to give to someone I love. I'll build you a house. I'm codependent. Yeah, I'd buy some other twink the semblance of an adult bedroom. Yeah, Jessica more or less. Hear a lantern. More or less furnished my room.

Because she's like, I can't get fucked in a room without furniture. And I was like, what if we don't fuck after we have. I can't come if there's not a shelf. Yeah, yeah. What if we just. Where will your tchotchkes go? What if we stop having sex because of how guilty I feel about you buying me things. I have to put this heater in here so I can be like, we're just not fucking because it's too hot.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I need to go buy some excuses. Not because you can't handle the punishing blows of my proud warrior's cock. I thought you guys fucked a lot. No, I think I can count on both hands the amount of times we fucked. No, we fucked a lot in the beginning. Yeah, like four times.

You just fucked too fast. What? You fuck really fast. It's like really like... Oh, you need to be made love to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to be fucked. You don't think I've already heard this?

No, I was like, no, you guys already know. I'm a little more gentler and you'd be like, yeah, but try to fight my pussy. And I'd be like, I don't... I have no self-worth. I need someone to hurt me. She's two feet tall. How hard could it be to beat a pussy up? I'd be like, I have no self-worth. I need someone to hurt me. She's two feet tall. How hard could it be to beat a pussy?

I would, but you know, it doesn't... Just look at it funny and it'll probably break. Just put a mirror in front of it and it'll... It starts crying. It's like tricking Medusa.

It just turns to stone. Yeah, I don't know. I don't have the confidence to like really just like go gorillas on somebody. Yeah, it never would have worked. I wish you didn't have the confidence to keep using the gorillas on somebody. Yeah, it never would have worked. I wish you didn't have the confidence to keep using the phrase go gorillas. Go gorillas.

Yeah, that's what it's called. I've told you several times it's not okay. That position is called going gorillas. It's not. What position is that? Just fucking hard? We had a discussion about when a girl is laying on her stomach and the guy is on top of her from behind.

Oh, but she's flat on her stomach? She's flat, yeah. I saw it in a porn. It was called prone bone. And I was like, oh, okay, it's flat, yeah. I saw it in a porn. It was called prone bone. And I was like, oh, okay, it's called prone bone. And then they're like, it's not called that. And I was like, what if we call it going gorillas? I don't think gorillas fuck like that.

And if a man approached you, you would know. What about horny tables? A man approaches you and goes, I want a prone bone. You get worried for your safety, right? Yeah. This is terrifying. You say what it is. I want to fuck you like you've died

and are laying on your face. All right, well, that's not true. The necromancer. I need you to fuck me like I'm already dead on your bed. I don't want to see you.

I don't want you to see me crying. Let me do the dommer. The position. It is like I don't want to look at you and also maybe I'll suffocate. Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't know. The eye contact, like I enjoy it, but I'm like oh this is just reminding me that you know i'm here so i'm gonna be like oh god damn are you people okay no i'm fine i'm doing great all right i'm really worried about you though oh really yeah we'll discuss it off you guys just look like somebody put a different wig on the same sets of neuroses

it's very strange yeah i have a different set of neuroses. Oh, you're a whole problem. I like your set of neuroses better. No, you don't. Tune in to Ignorance is Blessed to hear about Tom Goss' neuroses. I always get so bummed out. Oh, yeah.

My favorite podcast I've listened to many times. I always get bummed any time I'm sitting at this table and I realize I'm the most I want to help you edit. Shut the fuck up. It's terrifying on site.

I listened to a few minutes of it. All right, Keith. We've derailed. Yeah, who cares? Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko passed away this week. Keep an eye out at his funeral for Stan Lee's cameo as that guy dancing on his grave. Man. Ditko?

What a... Oh. No, I just wanted like... The company that you're the CEO... Some type of Ditka. Oh, okay. I was trying to... You guys don't know about s'mores. No, I just wanted like the company that you're the CEO. Ditka. Oh, okay. You guys don't know about s'mores.

No, Ditka actually, if Ditka was like. Look how fat Tom's neck is. Of course he knows who Mike Ditka is. Ditka was like 20 years older and not very fat. They could be like the same person, Stanley and Mike Ditka. That's like most white men. Yeah, that's true. He does kind of look like Mike Ditka. They look related.

Yeah. What about Dyke Clitclap? Fat Stanley. Wait, what about Fat Stanley? Stanley. Never mind. It's just Ditka's Fat Stanley. Oh, okay.

It's not funny. It's like Flat Stanley, but the other one. But fat. I was like, for a second, I was legitimately like, is that another voice you used to make your pussy do? Hi, I'm Fat Stanley. Take a picture with me. Feed me that dick.

Give me that weenie. Oh, I'm a sub. A meatball sub. A Senate candidate's name was misspelled on his campaign website as Dominic Panini, leaving voters wondering if he was a sandwich. In light of the mistake, he's fired his web developer for losing him the crucial Keith Carey vote. Isn't it all great. Isn't that great? It's amazing that we queue you up for a sandwich.

Do you notice that you've subconsciously been giving Jessica the finger for the past three minutes? Oh, have I? No, I just... That makes sense. You're 12. Yeah. Hey. You're 12.

Only his dick is. Yeah, 12 centimeters. There you go. Yeah, it's not a lot of centimeters is the joke. It's smaller than... It's probably smaller than that. You guys, I'm gonna, this leads to me tweeting out a picture of my dick

that just says, decide for yourself. Yeah, but then I'm gonna tweet my dick and make your dick look lame. And then I'm gonna tweet my dick. Well, yeah, my dick's not attached to a big fat guy, alright? I'm the only mean boy who keeps his privates private. Hey, do you want a big house or a nice neighborhood? Your dick is like this house. It's big. It's surrounded by trash.

I took a picture of my dick The other day That is so like insane It literally looks like You should lock your doors When you're sleeping You never sent me a picture Of your dick

For my slideshow Oh yeah I was the Yeah I helped Jessica Get a dick slideshow And I was gonna like Maybe have my dick Make a cameo

And I was like Meh It would have been pretty funny It would have been but And it's like the guy Editing this slideshow It would bum my mom out. Yeah, I'm sure, because your mom's going to come see my show.

She would find it. She'd probably read the reviews, you know? I love your mom. She's seen your dick. What's the big deal? My mom? She knows it hasn't grown since you were a baby. Your mom loves your dick, man. Alright, mom. I'm sorry about this episode. Hey, I love your dick, son. That was weird for me. It was supposed to be an impression, and now it's creepy.

That'd be funny. There's my stupid dick. Yeah, you see, Keith? You know, you see what all this stuff. It's crisp. Do you see all this big, fat, hairy nonsense around it? Yeah. Yeah, I'm looking at your, I don't know if that's a thigh or a butt, okay? I'm just like pleasantly surprised to see there's not any of the orange Cheeto dust fingers on that photo. Look, I'd be lying if I said I've never gotten Cheeto dust on my penis.

Yeah, well. We've all been there. I've seen your dick after a night of snacks. It looks like a mozzarella stick. It's just like sweaty and covered in crumbs. Yeah, various sauces. Oh, God, a mozzarella stick sounds so good right now. A mozzarella stick.

Just one. Yeah, it's something about Jessica Queefen. Go do a joke. No, I can't. I don't queef. Yeah, no. Do you do jokes? My, I can't. I don't queef. Yeah, no. Do you do jokes? My dick's not big enough to make you queef.

Yeah, no, actually, small dicks do it. It's because of the air that's getting on the outside. You know what I noticed recently is that a queef, it doesn't even sound like a fart. It just sounds like a disappointed horse. Yeah, it sounds like it's just going like... Tom just spit all over the place. Like it's audible rejection.

It's a pussy being like, you're not really doing that guy. It sounds like a pussy sighing. It sounds like a Prius idling. It's like the person's deep internal regrets coming out through their pussy. Like, I shouldn't have done this. Yeah, yeah. Why did I buy him curtains? Did I buy you curtains?

No. Yeah. Who's turned it to do a joke? It's Jessica. We're done. Oh, I thought we did. Was that not five? We did four.

Yeah, we did four. Oh, I skipped something. Oh, I'm sorry. Damn it. That was my good one. I just hope it wasn't a birth control. I know. I'm not on birth control.

I'm infertile. You just think you're infertile. Have you had that tested and proved yet? Yeah, by the amount of men who have just blown loads in me and have never gotten pregnant. That's not science. Well, you do it. You dumb shit. Jessica, you do have a shamrock above your pussy, so you could just be lucky. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I think it's just like a graveyard.

Well, speaking of science, exciting... No, people have sex in graveyards. No, I've come in a graveyard. There's a bone in a graveyard. I don't think I ever came inside you, I don't think. No. Yeah, no. Because I look like someone you can't trust to come inside.

Were you pulling out and coming on, or were you just doing the remove and just pop on the bed? He was doing the thing where he's like, you don't make me come. And then he'd just be like, I'm going to read. It's the antidepressants. Most people, though, this is the thing it's like one i think like when you know a woman can't come like the guys are just like i fucked up i feel bad but it's like if women have such horrible lives because of our terrible society it's like the only thing you're promised is that you can make any guy come whenever you want yeah so when that fails you're like i'm so then when you can't you're like, I'm worthless. So then when you can't, you're like, this is all a lie. What the fuck is...

No, and then you get ruthless, and then you hurt yourself. Listen... Have you heard my line about that? Which is like, I'm on a depressant, it takes forever to come, which sounds like a cool problem until someone fucks you like they're trying to start a ketchup bottle. I gave up with the line the other day. Did I do that?

Yes. I gave up with the line the other day. It was just like, is somebody telling you to come when you're not ready to come yet? It was like somebody honking at you at a red light. And you're like... I'm gonna! I like somebody honking at you at a red light? I'm gonna! What do you think I'm trying to go, lady?

I mean, the number of times I've come from sex in my entire life is probably like 15. Okay. Yeah, so. Wow. When I can't make a guy come immediately with a blowjob, I just get real ferocious, and it's, I just said this, I think, on another podcast. You're being mean no it was just like like i remember the first time you know you know you know when you're punching them you

know how brett farve like kept coming out of retirement yeah it was like that last time when i was like you shouldn't be here and it's just like i'm trying too hard and i'm too aggressive what i'm saying is i was blowing you guys for so long the other night that I got teeth marks on the inside of my own lips from housekeeping. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, shit. He did eventually come. Yeah. Blood, but. Yeah.

And then I left. I was like, I got what I came for. Yeah, yeah. And then jumped out the window. Give me your stupid ropes. No, there's one time he did it when you were blowing me, and I was just like, it's like you're fighting me. This is like, are you mad? Like, I was like, it was pretty scary.

Listen, I don't have much to live for except cum. This whole situation just feels like a waste of a fun, terrifying way. Anyway, thank you. Thank you. I'm great for someone, not you. Exciting science news. Einstein's theory of relativity was recently proven to work even in three star systems. As a follow up to further test the theory, scientists will be performing the same experiment

at the Mean Boys podcast to see if it also holds up in a system with absolutely no stars. Okay. Wow. That wasn't supposed to be the last one. It was supposed to be glossed over. Here's what I think would have helped if you would have stammered over a few more words. Thank you. What is Einstein's science thing?

It's that everything... Einstein, the science man. It's almost like Jessica doesn't know that I'm going to be appearing on true TV in the fall. I'm sorry. I feel like you need to fact check that joke a little better. I don't know what true TV is. Because you're poor and you don't have cable. You're right.

That's what it is. Except for the ones that those scientists from the X-Men used to show your pussy shot. Connor, we don't have cable. The only cables I have are used to strangle myself. True TV is the underground bunker that CISO went into. We don't have a television. We should get a television.

Because we're sophisticated, unlike Johnny Dunk. You have a box of Cheez-Its taped to your wall. It was a gift from a fan, and we display it with pride because we appreciate things that people give us It does have a reference on it to us hiding from the government Because we owe them a hilariously small amount of money Yeah yeah You and me both except for mine's so much money

I was never here Alright that's mixed and joke off We'll be right back No And Keith I just had a burp so I thought it'd be good to close the second hour. And also you. Wait, I don't know.

No, he's EOP. I lost count. A Philadelphia man was killed in an inflatable pool in his son's front yard when a bus ran him over. Stop there. Stop there, Tom. You win. Take the win. Jeff, transit specialist Foxworthy states, you know you're a redneck when you got to look both ways before crossing the pool.

That's not even how that joke goes. It's just nice to know they found my dad. I really should just say setups from now on. What about Keith? What about me, Ed? Give Keith his joke. Every team in the MLB has agreed to celebrate LGBT Pride Night. Keith can't hear, but I'm playing the curvier enthusiasm thing.

Ironic, considering the New York Yankees sounds like slang for getting jerked off on the Staten Island Ferry. I missed the setup, but I liked the pun. Whatever. It was too loud, and I panicked. It was probably a great joke. I really liked the Jeff Foxworthy joke. Well, you're an idiot. It actually was pretty good.

Okay, I got one that's worse than any of these. Stop condescending. I'll take us out with something bad. Remember the pee-pee and the Coke joke? That was fine. That was great. A man stabbed his teen sith... Sith-er.

Shit. A man stabbed his teen sith... This is my kind of porn. For taking too long in the bathroom. I've heard of getting pissed off, but this is ridiculous. That's terrible and bad and you should die. Professional comedy writer. Alright, we'll be right back right after this.

ScuzzFeed Entertainment presents Hot Goss. All the juiciest celebrity news from around the internet with your hosts Shannon Bananen and Tom Goss. Hey everybody, I'm Shannon Bananen and I'm ScuzzFeed's senior celebrity correspondent. And I'm Tom Goss and and I'm ScuzzFeed's Senior Celebrity Correspondent.

And I'm Tom Goss, and I don't know where I am right now, but I can feel myself getting angry. We're here to dig deep on the personal lives of your favorite stars. Tom, what do you think of Pete Davidson dating Ariana Grande? I don't know who either of those people are, but it sounds like a stepdad is fucking an expensive cup of coffee. These two have been all over each other. They got engaged after dating for just a month, and they even have tattoos of each other. What do you think of that? I don't care if anybody fucks anybody unless they're fucking me.

And even then, I don't care that much unless I'm awake while they do it. Why are we talking about these people? Because the entertainment industry is a terrible soul-crushing nightmare and I'm literally only qualified to do this or porn. Just read the script or you don't get paid. What about Hilary Duff? The former child star was just photographed in LA showing off her baby bump. I'm glad she got time to be a mom now that she doesn't have to be the president.

No, Tom, not... I said Hillary Duff. Yeah, no dipshit. I got ears. I know how to hear stuff. We're talking about Hillary Rodham Duff, star of Disney's hit series Little McGuire and wife of former president Bill Clinton. That's wrong. Hey, it might be wrong, but it feels so right.

I'm hoping to put in some rough stuff in the mouth of Duff. Security, Clinton's back. I don't know how he keeps getting in here. Last week we caught him trying to put a camera in the dressing room toilet. I just wanted to see the dumper on that big gal from This Is Us. Get him! Bill Clinton skis it off again! That's, uh, that's the guy from House of Cards, right? I've never seen it, but I live in a house. I own several cards. I get it. Was that right?

Did I do a gossip? What the fuck are you... You know what? Why don't you just tell us about some of your favorite stars, Tom? Okay, well, in order, the sky ones, the Jew stars, the marshmallows, and that leprechaun cereal. No, stop. Like a famous person. Tell me anything any famous person did.

Please, just meet me halfway here. Oh, okay. Uh, yeah. Uh, I got one. Um, the guy at the liquor store by my house got a haircut. I like it, but I don't trust it. Tom, that's not a celebrity. Sure he is. Really? What's he been in? The liquor store, mostly.

Tom, fuck you. He's more famous than what's-her-shit. What the fuck was her name? The Abra... Abracadabra Gringo. Agro-Cragula Jonte. Marinara Dante. Fucking Astro Day. It's Ariana Grande, Tom.

No, that's not it. Ariana Grande? That's not her real name. You sound like a stupid idiot. Fuck this. I don't need $200 in a craft service burrito this bad. Apple Bottom Gandhi. No.

Alabama Hyundai. Son of a bitch. What was it? Jennifer Italian Face. Yeah. This job is easy. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of one of our favorite games, Witch of the Following.

Yeah! Motherfuckers! This one was sent in by frequent annoyance to the show. One of our favorite fans Dark Homunculus Yeah dark Stop trying to synthesize it Dark Homunculus

Is it Jessica's new boyfriend? Thank you for thinking That I would find love again Yeah Well no I was implying that You're now in love with A black villain

From a God of War game Yeah As opposed to a white one Yeah yeah Those racist God of War games There Yeah. As opposed to a white one? Yeah, yeah. Those racist God of War games. There's a bit of gazing at your pussy and losing hope.

Like, it's basically what we're feeling. Anyway. It's nice to have a future. We've had a couple which the following sent in about insane bullshit that Tom has said

that's not in the sense. This one's a little different. These are all things Connor has said on the podcast that sound like shit Tom would say on the podcast. Oh, man. This would be,

this will suck. Somebody's collected your finest retardation. They've included on the podcast. Oh, man. This will suck. Somebody's collected your finest retardation. They've included specific thoughts. Well, yeah, and it's here joining us today. You shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. Man, you guys. Shut your...

Everybody making noise. I love Tom. Round number one. I'm just here to break up any riff that happens. Well, they were here to break up. Oh, we broke up years ago. No, we, I don't even remember

when we broke up. Sometimes we get, I remember. Every once in a while we'll get junk mail here to you and I'm just like, oh, yeah, dude, Ramsey does a fun bit

where whenever you get mail, it's all for like, you remember that food subscription box you signed up for? Oh, and I had it come here instead of, sorry.

I was like, when did I get mail here? Whenever we get mail for that, Ramsey just knocks on my door and he goes, mail for you. Oh, that's nice that you're getting mail for food that you can't afford. Hey, I can afford a lot of food. Oh, you poor motherfucker.

He literally eats the mail. What accent do you think you do? You guess. You poor motherfucker. It's like whatever Asian I guess is going to be the wrong Asian. Raisin. He's an Asian in the sun.

He's an Asian person who moved to Ireland but has a Swahili father. Wow, Tom. I'd love to have a whole backstory for your accent. Shut up. This motherfucker. Tom did a water fast and he was like. Jar Jar Binks. Oh, the water and coffee?

Yeah, yeah. He did a water fast and he was like Jar Jar Binks oh the water and coffee yeah yeah he did a water fast and he was like I just came outside and he was like you know the episode of Seinfeld where George doesn't have sex or masturbate

and he gets really smart like Tom was just like not stuttering and speaking coherently I'm telling you it makes a difference it's become a double edged sword because it has seemed

to have cleared Tom up except all Tom has talked about for the past he did a water fast he's like yeah I put some salt in the water. So now the water is good. The water neutrifies.

Are you using sea salt? No, no, no. Pink salt. Himalayan sea salt. Yeah. Pink salt. Yeah, it's good for you. A little bit of lemon.

All you need. My personal favorite is when he goes, yeah, I ate a banana today, some broth. I'm working my way up to a raspberry. Each day I'm adding one food. Today I'm working my way up to a raspberry each day I'm adding one food today I'm gonna eat a cucumber a whole cucumber maybe two maybe I'll get fancy

you're gonna borrow one out of Jessica's nightstand a whole cucumber that's not where I keep them nine of Connor's dick to fill your cavernous gash cavernous gash was my nickname in middle school

oh by the way if there's an echo I didn't fuck up the recording Jessica's wearing shorts man that pussy got reverb hello hello goodbye goodbye he's just running gross gross

I'm not gonna be clear on the podcast no no one wants you well put together here no there have been live shows where I'm like I need to like hit my head on stage so people know that I'm trying to be dumber for them. You got a pocket with a mallet. Do you animals love me yet?

Yes. Oh, man, what a dark window. It's like when Daniel Johnston would go off his meds to do a good show. That made me so sad. Anyways, what is wrong? Sir, huffing gas before we record. I think I'll do better. Oh, yeah. Get on your knees, Jessica. Spread them. I don't want to kill him.

We finished things Jessica's pussy smells like bingo. Everybody, we blacked out the car. Yeah. All right, let's flip it over. Round two. All right. Is somebody microwaving fish at the office? Round one.

Dead cat. A live cat, but it's very sick. Trash can on fire. A live cat, but it's very sick. That's great on fire. A live cat, but it's very sick. That's great. Round one, which of the following is not a dumb thing Connor said on this podcast? A, power bomb.

I'm going to say them all in Tom's voice, by the way, even though they're Connor things. Okay. A, power bomb. That's the worst kind of lottery to win. B, sometimes you don't have the time for syntax. C, I'm sorry you're not smart enough to make up your own words.

Or D, I'm touching my hairy arms a lot. It feels real good. I'm going to go D. I'm going D. Yeah. Jessica knows I don't have body hair. You have hairy arms. I mean, I have blonde. They're not hairy hairy. Yeah, they're just hair present. That could have been an impression to me. What was B

and C? That's true. It could have been him, you doing an impression of Tom. B was sometimes you don't, you know, have the time for syntax. He would definitely say syntax. And C, yeah, it's pretty smug. And C is, I'm sorry, you're not smart enough to make up your own words. I'm not smug. You guys are just fucking retarded.

I'm going to say C. Guys, huh? Okay, the correct answer is C. Yeah. Damn. Tom knows me better than I know myself. I know all of you better than you know yourselves.

Tom does this creepy shit where he's like, I know when you're lying. And I'm like, when am I lying? And he's like, I'm not going to tell you. I know.

I'm not going to tell you. Tom is my favorite person in the whole world. Jessica, to be fair, I only lied to you about all the most important things. You lied about everything. No, I didn't. No, that's true. You weren't lying, to be fair, I only lied to you about all the most important things. You lied about everything. No, I didn't.

No, that's true. You weren't lying when you were like, I don't love you. I was never attracted to you. That was true. AIDS. What's the next? Damn, that's polarized. I'm just kidding.

I didn't say it. Did I say it? I don't think I said that. Said what? I was never attracted to you. What? I thought it. I mean, are you a mind reader? I didn't say it. Did I say it? I don't think I said that. Said what? I was never attracted to you. What? I thought it. I mean, are you a mind reader?

I am a mind reader. I get that from Tom. I know when you're lying. Oh, shit. Round two. Keith, stop having those thoughts. I can hear them. Oh, no.

This is my mom and several dads. You can eat Cheetos after. That'd be great if during this tense moment, Keith was like, go to your happy place. And then the heart music, and he's just on an island made of Cheetos with the Cheeto palm trees. I am very hungry. Yeah, let's hurry up so Keith can eat.

And me. Yeah. Round two. Wish the volleys not a thing Connor said. A, don't come on my shoes and tell me it's raining. B, fucking bed, bath in your butt. C, enjoy this hairy belly friction. Or D, and that happened where the poop goes.

Man. Those last two both sound like they could be about me. Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm a funny guy, man. Even if I only came up with three out of four of these. Good stuff. What was the first one? Don't come on my shoes and tell me it's raining. I think it's that one. I'm going to say that one, man. Even if I only came up with three out of four of these, good stuff. What was the first one? Don't come on my shoes and tell me it's raining. I think it's that one. I'm going to say that one, yeah. I love when people come on my

shoes. No, you love your shoes too much. I'm going to come in your shoes. What was B and C? I do love my shoes. B was fucking bed, bath in your butt. C was enjoy this hairy belly friction. I'm going to say B. The answer was A, don't come on my shoes and tell me it's random.

I knew it. A lot of hairy belly friction going on in this podcast studio. Yeah, pretty much all of us. And I'm just talking about Jessica's undershirt. That's cha-cha-cha. You human sweater-wearing bitch. You're robust with hair. You've got the torso of an Armenian grandfather.

It's just nice to have a father. Yeah. Round number three. A. You know when like you're Chinese and you don't really give a shit? That sounds very Connor.

B. I'm gonna vape at my own funeral, bro. No, not funeral. Wedding. That one. C. I'm gonna go ahead

and just say that probably seven out of ten apes have herpes. Or D. I'm gonna marry your mom and become your uncle. Well, we know the fourth one's real. That's the funniest thing you've ever said. I'm going C.

What's B and C again? B was I'm going to vape at my own funeral, bro. No, not funeral. Wedding. That one. I never thought I was going to get married. And C was I'm going to go ahead and just say that probably seven out of ten apes have herpes.

Ooh. I don't think I have any. You know what? I'm going to get married. I'm too terrible. And C, I'm going to go ahead and just say that probably seven out of ten apes have herpes. Ooh. A? I don't think I have any. You know what? I'm going to say C. Okay. I don't think I have any opinion on STDs in the animal kingdom. What was A?

Well, you should. A was, you know, when you're Chinese and don't really give a shit. I'll say A. Okay. You've never had anything, have you? Feline AIDS. All right. Smell number four.

A scratch punch. We're one away from a bingo. I said the ape one. Okay, you're all wrong. It was B, the vaping one. Oh, okay. Well, you said B, didn't you? No, I said C.

I'm pretty proud that I was able to outright Connor at being Connor. You've never had any STDs, have you? Because I haven't either. No. I mean, love for you. Why? It sounds like you're about to be like, because I have gonorrhea and it's burning my hair off. No, no, no, I don't.

I'm just surprised by how many. It's embalming my gross dumb wiener. How many just like raw dong loads you've taken? I don't take that many anymore. Sir. You said it indignantly, but also going through your recent Rolodex of loads. I don't have a lot of sex now. It's very weird.

Yeah, that's odd. I've like healthy. So it's just like we're still dating. Yeah, except I'm happy. No, you're not. Round number four. You know everyone can see

your Twitter, right? Oh, man. You know your Twitter is public. Well, let's just do this. Jessica, how many people do you think you've fucked since we stopped dating? I think that would be a funny one. Why? I was going to ask that in a different version of the game that I was putting together.

Oh, okay. How many people do I think I've fucked? I know exactly how many people I've fucked. How many? Three. How many people have you lied about loving since we stopped? One, two. No, just Keith and Tom.

For the listener, they used to date. How many have you fucked? Like 800? No, I don't know. Tom? You don't know. What are you, me when I was your age? Oh, I don't know.

Hey, daddy. All right. Calling some of them people seems strong. Like a mild bunch. You pick up the big bunch of bananas and you're like, well, that's excessive seems strong. Like a mild bunch. A mild bunch. Like you pick up the big bunch of bananas and you're like, well, that's excessive. So you get the next one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's not. But they're not as ripe and they're about to just fully turn over. I mean, they're legally ripe. Yeah, yeah. They're not as ripe and they're from Pittsburgh. Shout out to Pittsburgh. Man, Pittsburgh is the horniest city for the Mean Boys that could ever exist. Yeah, yeah.

It was a pretty horny stop on the tour. Yeah, that's because it's just a bunch of dumpster stealers. Wow. God bless the steel industry. You know what? Dumpster stealers? Did someone rob your house? Errant raccoon?

Steel stealers with the metal. Yeah, it's the name of their football team. The Bridge? I don't know, I don't know. I don't know much about Pittsburgh, but it doesn't surprise me that people from Pittsburgh would fuck you guys. Yeah. Based on what I know. Honestly, us neither.

We got there and we're like, this checks out. The thing they know, I know the most about them is. There's urban blight, you know. We're along here. You know. Their hero is a rapist. Like. Roethlisberger.

Okay. Oh, wait. No. Is that Philly? Where's Rocky from? Philly. Philly, not Pittsburgh. Because Solange Salon's a rapist, too.

Yeah. He is? Allegedly, yeah. I mean, yeah. Round number four. A, the podcast returns with our final segment and favorite game, Ladies and Gentlemen, Just Gentlemen, dot, dot, dot. We don't know what's going on in your heads.

B, I'm very aware of the pertinent nature of this medium. C, Dice Clay, you fucking, I don't know, fettuccine gorilla. Or D,

yeah, fire is, burns you. These are all real or all fake? No, no, no. One of these is fake. I'm going to go C. D.

Fettuccine gorilla is too funny for me. Oh, D is fake. I'm going to go C. D. Fettuccine gorilla is too funny for me. Oh. D. Okay. I'm going to say D. The answer is C. You know how not funny you are.

Yeah. I thought fettuccine gorilla was a good thing because you love putting the food on the right Let me know if you need any more tags because I'm so unfunny. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha. Hey, you're both like fine. Hey, shut shut up nipples people of edinburgh are lucky to have you i wrote that yeah i'm just trying to get funny

enough to have a closer that i have to sing you know that's how you know when you're really wait what does that mean i sing i have a singing thing that i don't even do anymore but i get it wow good for you we can't all talk about fucking women in our cars forever, you know? You know, actually, I retired that joke when I did it on True TV. When I fucked a lady in Pittsburgh. In her car. In a truck. I fucked a lady near a boat.

It was in her friend's guest bedroom. Thank you very much. She gave me a ride to the airport and was very nice. That was such a bummer in Pittsburgh because I was like, hey, should I have my... And then I did our JFL showcase. Oh, no, not the one we were on, the other one. Oh, the other one. Well, I fucking...

I was like, hey, guys, should I have my birthday drink here because we'll have a good time? You guys were like, yeah, go, go have it. And I got it. You abandoned him to go fuck Pittsburghians? And then you guys both just left to fuck people. Yeah, we absolutely did. On his birthday? Yes. You guys are bad friends no we're not okay no if you left him to fuck someone in like chicago or a reputable city you abandon your friend on his birthday to fuck some pittsburgh

no this girl this girl was hot enough to live in like to be fair no they were very attractive to be fair she lived in florida so I mean, she was from Pittsburgh originally. Poor Tom. Round number five. All real or all fake? A. Fucking trying to get the Palestinians and the proto and what the fucking Catholics and the proto gents. B. What?

That's what he said. B. Do you do better? Probably not. But try, I guess. I don't know. Leave me alone. C. There's another one with a knife on its tail. I think it's called a stegotaurus.

Or D. People, because I think sometimes, do not get the layer of irony. And you know, duh, fucking, what's the fucking, the fucking word? Satire! Man, I'm smart. Those are all real. Wow, you said you had a head injury yeah well no what he's trying to do

these were mostly him mocking me right no these were all most of these are real oh cool that thing where Connor just starts

talking a lot and his voice changes just a little bit yeah well I mean I'm trying he speaks from the tip of the roof of his mouth

yeah wow that's really accurate and I didn't realize I did that and I'm going to be very self conscious of the roof of his mouth. Yeah. Wow, that's really accurate I didn't realize I did that and I'm gonna be very so conscious He's he does that voice where like he starts speaking from the tip of the roof of his mouth Like like do it like do the you guys I can't do it but like that Yeah, I thought I sometimes will start rambling about Aaron bullshit because it'll just be quiet and be like well This is a podcast. I mean they can't watch us sit here and, you know, look at each other. You're panicking about the way you feel.

Right now I am. Just in general. Of course I am. It's kind of your go-to. I don't like myself. Those are all real. Yeah, they sure are. Who could care?

The Mean Boys podcast is a bummer now. No, dude. This is a healing episode. I think this will be a valuable tool for people struggling with heartbreak. I feel fine. I'm good. I'm doing great. I'm doing awesome, guys.

I've done a lot of work on myself. Tom, you doing all right? I'm also old. You want to eat some Cheetos? You guys, I've done. I can't. Oh, yeah. How about instead of cucumbers, Cheetos?

Yeah. They both start with C. I'm trying to figure out what I'm allergic to. Tom! Go spinach next. All vegetables first. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to any food? Yes, soy.

Okay, you're allergic to what? Soy. Yeah, so you know. Well, yeah, that's so... Yeah, but I... Yeah, but you have to reintroduce. He's not wrong. I mean, you don't have to go that dramatic.

You probably just do like an autoimmune paleo, but you have to reintroduce. He's not wrong. I mean, you don't have to go that dramatic. You probably just do like an autoimmune paleo, but like start vegan. But you could be having like emotional reactions to shit too. Yeah, no, I am. There's a lot of things going on with me. If Connor would just eat soup, he'd be happy. But this is your guys' episode to be a mess. I'm not going to eat fucking Cheetos right now.

The Mean Boys will be right back. No, we won't. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to bring you the return of one of our most notorious sketches, mean boys history of cinema now these were born out of snark week and this is basically tom writing a sketch about movies kind of it's allegedly cinema it's also been a television show several times i think it was a music video once yeah it was it was the concept of the backstreet boys and so basically, Tom wrote this during the start of the week,

and the deal, as with all these episodes, is this. We will put it on air, provided he does every single voice, and we do every sound effect. And we do it live. There's no editing, no second takes, no fixation. And I also have not read it up until this point. I have no idea what's about to take place. Okay.

Yep. So here we go. I'm going to read the part of the narrator. No, no, I do all the parts. Oh, okay place. Okay. Yep. So here we go. I'm going to read the part of the narrator. No, no. I do all the parts. Oh, okay. Every sound effect choice we make here, everything is going solely on the words

you have placed in the script. Sure. Yes. Yes. Okay. Ready, Tom? We got this. Take it away.

It's going to be great. Do you guys want to drum? No drumming. No, that doesn't sound anything. That sounds terrible. Okay. Welcome to the Mean Boys History of Cinema, where we take classic films throughout the history and provide them their actual origin of their name without the filter of Hollywood mumbo jumbo.

If you want the Hollywood experience without the glitz and glamour, you've come to the right place. Now let's keep it real with the mean boys. What is realer than the classic film Back to the Future? Here it says party noises. Oh, man. I almost got the tail on the donkey. I drank such a wine cooler. Hey, my name's Future, and I like rapping and shizzle. Hello, beautiful woman who I respect for her intelligence and individualism

and who I waited to express my sexual interest in to make sure I appreciated her personality first and not just the shape of her glutes and breasts. I am now going to ask you to hop on this dick. Are you ready to hop on this dick? Yeah, let's make the whoopee. Pause. I'm going to go ahead and point out that the name of this character in Tom's script is Groupie Whore.

Oh wait, I got to do zoop. It's just taking off closed cells. Why does it sound like wet meat? It's Tom's clothes. We're making out now. Oh yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you facing me, lady? Huh? If we're going to do this tango on each other's genitals,

you've got to keep your back to the future. Oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh. God damn it. That's so good. Wow. That's why it's called that. Stop.

It is the worst one yet. Oh, there's why it's called that. Stop. Inexplicably is the worst one yet. Oh, there's two pages left. Oh, my God. I have no idea what humble origins. But let's not stop there. Our next film is a classic about people in a bad situation. Make some noise for boys in the hood. Oh, no.

Bad neighborhood noises. So everyone just be quiet and let noise for boys in the hood. Oh, no. Bad neighborhood noises. So everyone just be quiet and let the mics pick up the house. Hey, man, why are you always wearing a hood? That hood is so big.

Damn it, Ice Cube. Pause. The characters are labeled Ice Cube and other black guys. I don't know the other characters. Damn it, Ice Cube.

It has to be big because this is where I keep my son. I'm a boy in the hood. Oh, shit. I get it. You keep the boy in the hood. Yeah, man. It's always hard. How beautiful. Tom, get the fuck out of here.

We're starting to wrap it up and following our theme of this mean boy's history of cinema, make it loud for Saving Private Ryan. I'm blown away that they're all movies this time. I'm almost disappointed. I was waiting for the third one to be, and the sense of smell.

Okay, wait, sorry. It's a war. Tom Hanks, we're never going to find this guy. Don't give up, Hope Sergeant. Don't give up, Hope Sergeant. Don't give up, Hope Sergeant Guy. Keep your own stupid thing right, because he calls him Sergeant Guy, but he's labeled Sergeant Dude. Yeah. Wait, is this him?

I like that Tom took the time to write this into a script format. It's not even like a word doc. I was like, I think this is the first correct usage of the word there. Wait, is that him up there in that crow's nest? Ryan, is that you? Everyone sounds a lot like Future. I can't confirm or deny that. What?

I don't like giving out personal information. Ryan, we are trying to save your life Oh thank you but I don't really like the government Really meddling into my affairs Ryan your brothers are dead And your mom would like you to come home Yeah that's because she's nosy At least let us come get you some food Can we get you some cake

Do you like cake? That's for me to know and you to know Not to know I'm going to be a passive aggressive libertarian Think about it Okay, well would you be more willing to talk in like an hour? Or like two hours? We're supposed to come back with you

Yeah, I don't really know Maybe try calling me We did, we called. We emailed. We sent a carrier pigeon out and you didn't respond to any of it. Oh, well maybe I'm telling you to fuck off then. Wow, that's some sort of private Ryan. Tom

drowning what you've done. Thanks for tuning in to the Mean Boys History of Cinema Part 3. Uncovering the truths of Hollywood one movie at a time. Until next time Mean Boys history of cinema part three uncovering the truths of Hollywood one movie at a time until next time Mean Boys God

Tom I I yearn for the return of Mr. E you guys killed him you guys wish for his resurrection

alright well we'll be back next week with Joe hopefully and the Mean Boys podcast is back and it's time for the mean boys mailbag all back of mail Never heard the one about keeping the dog. It's a motherfucking mean post-medical bag. Well, we're going to read your questions, listen to your voicemails,

give you all the answers to your pressing questions. It's a full mailbag today. I think people are excited about the Peace Summit. It's just nice to know somebody's bag is getting filled, you know? I'm sorry I called my pussy a bag. Wait, this is the Peace Summit? I'm not. Bags hold water.

There's holes in them. I feel like every word he leaves a sentence on, you're like, I'm going to say it in this snarky tone, figure out how it means pussy later. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a good comedian. I just talk about my pussy. You're a female comedian is what you're describing. So really just not even a comedian.

Yeah, you're more of like a... Just a lady with her thoughts and her lips. Yeah, just goes up there talking about a bleeding wage gap. You're like a diversity program with tits, you know? It's just sort of like a make-a-wish. I wish I had tits.

A white woman, the most diverse person there is. Jessica is much funnier than me and I'm kidding. Is the house more or less gross than the last time you were there? Did you just fart? I didn't fart.

If I farted, I would tell you. The chair creaked, but it did sound like you farted. It sounded like as soon as you said that question, you were like... I'm actually disappointed. I wish I had a bunch of farts chambered up. I'm pretty glad. Oh, boy, I'm not. If you farted in this heat, I'm going to beat you to death.

It seems cleaner. Bro, you couldn't fucking lift your fist over your head without passing out. I would fucking set you on fire, dude. It seems cleaner, but it seems like there's still a lot of ants, so it's hard to tell. Yeah, there's a lot of ants. But I think now

that the podcast studio's up here, you guys, like, try to give the illusion of being somewhat put together by not having Keith's couch. Yeah, well, yeah. Well, Tom has to live somewhere. Yeah, how does

the old podcast studio look? It looks like a nice place to live, Tom. I think you're doing great. Tom's doing great, you guys. Did you notice I added two new pieces of plastic furniture to my room since the last time? Who bought those for you? Tom, it's hard not to talk down to you when you live at the bottom of a pit.

I got them at Target. Look at you, drawers on wheels. Well, yeah, for medicine that I have to take from all the diseases I got from your pussy or something. What is your stance? Oh, you got burned.

Yeah, dude, you fucking... Yeah, I did. That was a roaster right there. You just got owned. That was a hot, hot roaster. A hot roaster of heat. You would have had to fuck me. You know what, guys?

Heated words. Now I'm not going to tell you what Bruce Willis is like in person. I hope you're happy. Just directed towards Justin. I'm keeping all the information to myself. Is he bald? I bet he's bald.

He's got a... Well, you know what? You'll never know, will you? You'll never find out. Does he have a little hair? Nope. You will never know. What about a beard?

I don't know. I have no idea. What's his dick taste like? It's like you have... Male or female? Man, I would suck Bruce Willis' dick. Oh, me too. I'd suck Bruce Willis' everything. Oh, me too. I'd suck Bruce Willis' everything.

Yeah. Are you listening, Bruce? I would lead with the dick, but if there's other stuff that needs to get sucked, I'll address it as it comes. Yeah, you will. I feel like Bruce Willis likes to have his nipples bit while he fucks.

I feel like that's a lot of men, and people are somehow surprised by that. I've never had that before. I do enjoy it, yeah. I never request it, but whenever it happens, I'm like, ooh. It's like a pleasant surprise. I feel bad requesting it

because it's like, if someone's gonna like... It's like when you get a fry and your onion rings, you're like, okay. Now I'm coming. That's so funny. What is your quintessential

Casablanca remake, Out Cold, follow up on Weezer's Island in the Sun as ours? I don't even know. What the fuck are any of those words? I don't understand any of those questions. They ask what we think of the movie Out Cold follow up on Weezer's Island in the Sun as ours I don't even know what the fuck are any of those words I don't understand

any of those questions they ask what we think of the movie Out Cold to which I say shut up I don't know what that is I wish it was cold

I think I actually saw that and I think it was okay it's a snowboarding one with Zach Galifianakis and somebody gets their dick stuck

in a hot tub does that happen is that something else probably it seems like a thing that would happen yeah certainly

and number two was something about Weezer I don't know fuck this asshole this is another thing I also feel like you wanted me to dirty talk way too disrespectfully for me. Because I'd be like, yeah, you're a real slut. Okay, you were never that great at it.

No, no, no. I mean, I couldn't like, you'd just be like. You respect me? Call me a cum guzzling whore and I'd be like, yeah, what you said. Hey, you don't talk to yourself so impolitely. Yeah, what about this negative self-talk? What's your most satisfying experience quitting a job? Insert joke.

Hand blow. Is that for me? Yeah, for all of us. I guess when I quit Old Navy and I lied and told them that my mother died and I had to move back to Northern California because I was too embarrassed to tell them I just wanted to do comedy full time. Wait, what was the question? Your most satisfying experience quitting a job.

Oh, I accidentally gave someone $99.99 or like 80-something cents off a fake hundred bill. And I was like, okay, I'm going to go. And I was just like... Oh, was this at the gas station? Yep. You worked at a gas station? Of course he did. I this at the gas station? Yep. I didn't even know that happened. You worked at a gas station?

Of course he did. I worked at a gas station. Did you really? Yeah. Well, I worked in the parking lot of the gas station. Hey, somebody's got to pay these bills. Being a prostitute, you see. Yeah, my best quitting job was I quit being a phone sex operator.

Were you a phone sex operator? Yeah, I was. Shut up. That rules. Did I even know that? I don't think I knew that one. I mean, would it have made a difference? I'm not mad. It's just a fun fact. I would have thought

it was hilarious. Why do you think I chat so much in the bedroom? I just wouldn't have guessed because my voice is disgusting. What is the weirdest phone sex request you ever got? One guy had a humiliation fetish where he

just wanted, Like in his Phone sex fantasy It was me and all my Girlfriends You told me You would never speak But yeah I mean it lines up

He wanted Like putting a A dildo in his ass And then Crawling around on all fours And me telling Him to Oink like a pig

Oh okay That's fun And boy did the tables turn One day when a man Called me a pig in bed But you know It all It's a whole thing I never called me a pig in bed. But you know, it's a whole thing. I never called you a pig.

Pig is rough. It made for a great bit, but a horrible night. I've called a lot of people a lot of things in bed. Pig is maybe the worst thing you could call somebody. People wanted to be shit on, but like just fake shit on. So then I had to go, I'm shitting. I was like, during phone sex? I mean'm shitting I was like during phone sex I mean I've never done

during real sex but then I'm like oh you need to hear me it's a great time to take a shit break honestly you just like hold the phone away

from you drop an Alka-Seltzer in a cup of water that's fun sound effects are fun just like chewing on bananas and be like

and I'm like I don't even know what this is supposed to sound like what is this noise I'm fingering myself did you have were you doing like multiple voices what this is supposed to sound like. What is this noise? Yeah, yeah. I'm fingering myself. Did you have,

were you doing like multiple voices? Wah, wah. It was like all these like circus sounds. It was like the Phil Hendry show, but with a pussy. Well, people would call back immediately sometimes after they did it and like you had to just pretend to be different girls.

Yeah. It's just like, and there were like dominatrix lines and stuff, but I rarely did those. I would love. How did you quit? I was like, I'm quitting and they're like

but you make so much money on bonuses. Don't you want to make money? If you think I can't have sex for money there's much more money than this. You're probably right. I would love to just have access to my Samuel L. Jackson soundboard

during one of your phone sets. During phones. That'd be so amazing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I would love to get a job doing phones. Are you taking off your clothes? Correctamundo. That'd be so amazing.

Where are the turtles? Describe what my penis looks like. Well, the worst is that we were supposed to, we were trained to pretend that we had just called in. You were trained? Well, just like the five notes they give you. Did they make you watch a video? No. And you're like, mom.

We literally had a train run on us and then they're like, that's how bad it could get. But we had to pretend we had just called into a phone sex line. Oh, so you were supposed to be like a person. Like it's supposed to be like a party line. Like, I'm just so horny.

Yeah. And it's like, who are these stupid fucking men? I think women are calling to pay. Paying for phone sex? Absolutely not. But I am very auditory, so it was a hard... There were moments where I was like, oh, I'm horny.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm extremely auditory with sex. Like, I could probably not say it. Which is great, because fucking me is like fucking a vampire. You know? Because I just make eye contact. Yeah, but if a vampire was like my organ a little bag full of manis silent thrust and then i do like to talk sometimes one stunted orgasm like i think i'm pretty good at dirty talk but

a lot of times i'm just too like fucking sad to like want to like i'm like god i'm stupid you're not good at dirty talk you're good at enunciating and that makes up for it i would tell my dirty duck story but i'm turning into a bit and so i don't want to tell it right now it's good we've told it on the podcast before i've told i've told yeah well yeah it's it's not gonna spoil it though yeah yeah i'll tell the non-bit version is basically a girl was masturbating and she was doing it with a pillow and i with a pillow. With a pillow? Yeah.

Like, what, humping a pillow? Yeah, she was fucking the pillow. And then I was just like. Old school. I didn't know. I guess. One pillow to another. Before I knew about fucking, and I was just like, I don't know, this feels good, when

I didn't know what a clit was, but I could feel it. Yeah. And then finally, I just kept fucking it up, and then finally, I didn't know what to say. And she was just like, I'm close. I was just like, up. And then finally, I didn't know what to say. And she's like, I'm close. So I was just like, yeah. Fuck that pillow. And then she just died laughing. It was, yeah, no one came.

Dirty talk is weird. Because it's also like there's only so much you can say. And if it doesn't end quickly or if you're fucking the person repeatedly, you're like. Oh, yeah. I kind of use my whole script. I have like four programs I can run. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh i kind of use my whole script i like four programs i can run you know yeah yeah you're like oh we did dirty slut already yeah that's the thing there's like

there's like you know like i like this is my pussy like i'm taking it there's like you know like oh you're getting hurt like there's like we're having a good time together like there's a lot of it's like playing like a like co-tour there's just four conversation options the weirdest dirty the two weirdest dirty talkings I've ever done was once a gal was blowing me and I just said, that feels so fucking good, which would have been fine,

except I accidentally said, dude. I'd be lying if I said, I've probably been called dude during sex. Well, I literally just like, oh,

you're just laughing on my dick. Oh my God, terrific. How does that feel? Was that somebody laughing on your dick? Yeah.

It feels like you're about to have a very uncomfortable conversation. Yeah, I've only ever had someone laugh at it. Yeah, I remember I was fingering somebody with something

and she was asking me, like, how does that pussy feel? But I couldn't quite hear her like she wasn't being loud enough. So she's like, and I'm like, you ever like ask for clarification and then realize

what somebody said afterwards? Yeah, and then you're like, oh. So my exact phrasing was, what? Oh, tight. I'm going. like i was acknowledging someone's new van i had a funny one where uh i was i i was it was one of my my earlier sexual encounters and i was fucking this lady and uh i was like oh my god that pussy feels so good and she goes really that one that's what you call it you call it that pussy and it's

like well it's not my pussy well yeah that's just how like that's just how call it you call it that pussy you're like well it's not my pussy well yeah that's just how like that's just how like people during talking porn but it's like you don't really want to hear that if a guy's inside of you

you know I mean I think that's debatable yeah that's no that's exactly what I always just think I have trouble because like the writer in me needs to mix up

the words oh yeah so it's like I can't keep saying dick or cock over and over I do the same thing and sometimes like you're looking so hard

for like the new line that you realize you're saying something weird and horrifying. Like, four score and seven years ago. Yeah, you ever refer to somebody's pussy as yours to destroy? That's a weird fucking moment. All right, Thanos.

Megatron shit. I'll make a countdown before I do something. I'm just like, oh, you counted too quick. You got to start over, you stupid bitch. I don't say stupid bitch. You should.

Just try stupid bitch. Stupid bitch is pretty good. Yeah, a lot of times when I'm talking about it, I'm just role playing as confident guy. I just like the idea of you fucking saying, yes, you like that, don't you, you trollop? You trollop, yeah. Lynch.

Has having Ari Shafir legally adopt you fill the intense emotional void that caused you to have a fellow comedian adopt you that's a good ass tweet he hasn't legally

adopted me yet because of the paperwork is not going through yet but I mean we got a court date but we can't do it because we're both on tour

also nothing will fill the void yeah yeah like if I've learned anything it's just there's not enough cum and sugar i can shovel into myself no come in here sugar but good question coming sugar is my favorite marcy playground song do you do you shovel it at the same time or they separate if you're lucky okay if the person's a good person they'll let you Okay With your mom coming On the podcast soon Can you tell us

How you avoided being The racist animal You were destined to be Keith That'd be for me Yeah I was like What? Why are you guys

Interviewing my mom? First of all Well Terry and I Have been talking It's a pretty cool guy My mom is like A charming folksy racist At this point

My mom was never a Nazi She was just married to one My mom was not A racist animal Been there I don't know man Yeah I was just Talking about this With my girlfriend The other day Like it's weird That I's not a racist animal. I don't know, man. Yeah, I was just talking about this with my girlfriend the other day.

It's weird that I'm not a total fucking scary monster man. I don't really have an answer as to why that is. I think being evil just seemed exhausting. Amen. And Keith hates effort. Yeah, no, I like effort. If you applied yourself, you would have been a great not. Heroin is too expensive.

Unfortunately, the sin of sloth captured another soldier for the white race. You realized you liked watching TV poker while you eat fucking macaroni and cheese a lot more than you liked making a difference for the future of your people. That's me. Macaroni and cheese sounds so good.

That does sound pretty good. If a baby was born deaf and blind, what language does it make in? Smells. Am I a bad person for liking Jell-O pudding pops? Nope. It's a bad question. Would you classify Romeo and Juliet as a tragic romance of lovers caught in the wrong place at the wrong time or a tale of two horny teenagers who made a snap decision without really thinking

of the consequences? Well, let me pull up Spark Notes. It was a satire. A lot of people don't realize that. Oh, okay. Shakespeare was already making fun of young love by saying how ridiculous people are. I don't know. I heard someone say that once. I just accepted it as truth. It's way better if you think it's a

satire. That goes into the file of like, you know, Born in the USA is not a patriotic song and The Doctor's Name is Frankenstein. Either way. Do you know that it's not a true story? It was made up. Yeah, it's made up. Yeah, so it's really just whatever you think it is. But West Side Story, that one was real. Yeah, it's made up. It's really just whatever you think it is.

But West Side Story, that one was real. Yeah, yeah. I just met a girl named Maria. And I couldn't make her come either. Ah, ha-cha. I made you come. Genuinely, did he ever make you come? I made you come fix this shelf.

I'm just kidding. You would never ask. I would just be like, I've got it. I can do shelf. I'm just kidding. You would never ask. I would just be like, I've got it. I can do everything. I'm Bob the Builder. Why don't you want to fuck me? You just had a horny stepmom you couldn't fulfill. Yeah, pretty much.

This is really doing a lot of... Oh, you don't want to lick that. Wait, what did you do? No, I mean, I've licked worse. This is really bad PR for my dick, guys. I'm going to have to do a whole clean up. Hey, there will always be Pittsburgh. Did you think you were going to bring her in

and we were all just going to be like, man, you ever think about how great Connor's dick is? Every day of my life. You ever think about what a tender lovemaker he is? I can't believe I didn't get a better reputation when I brought my ex-girlfriend on Mean Boys. Yeah, man, this really blew up in my face. You were a great...

Opening act. What was the question? That's not true. It was too hard to follow. I feel... He's right. That one time when there was like two fans there. Two what?

Mean Boys fans? And no one else. And I was like, well, they came for him. And all those times... Empty, empty. Yeah, and you know, all those other shows where nobody knew

who I was and they still liked me more. Would you rather get super famous by having some part of your work co-opted by the far right or spend 12 hours

buried in a septic tank with a snorkel? P.S. the snorkel can be filtered to remove the smell but you can't wear a wetsuit. I don't know.

If I do both of them will you wipe that shit-eating grin off your face? Oh, me? Yeah. What shit-eating grin? Your face.

I don't care. I just would rather die than do both of those things. What were the options again? It was being a septic tank full of poop or become popular with the alt-right. If I become super famous is what it was, right? Yeah. If I was super famous,

I'd probably drown myself in a septic tank anyway, because I don't want that. That would be the funniest way to kill yourself. Losers! And then they make an Amy Winehouse documentary about you and the posters with just the septic tank. And it's still an open casket. There was a picture of a missing poster of you on it. There was a mayor of a town in Maryland who actually did die that way. Oh yeah, that was what we did in a game.

Is that probably where the idea came from? I don't know. Possibly, yeah. Okay. I mean, if that happened, you can always, like, after you find out, you do some damage control. Aren't you guys already getting super famous from alt-right people? No, we don't have a lot of alt-right people. We've had a few a-holes, but we pretty much just say, kick rocks and go fuck yourself.

We don't need your money. Yeah, kick rocks, Nazis. Yeah. But also, check out our Patreon. We send them back to the Legion of Skanks holding pen. Yeah, yeah. Scram, white nationalists. Yeah.

Back to your own douchebag ethnostate. Yeah, I guess I'd take the super famous co-op thing because the Pepe the Frog guy then found a way to turn a bunch of Pepe the Frog shit that got stolen, that money went to charity. Yeah, you can always do damage control. Yeah. That's the thing, yeah. Or like, you know, Pepe the Frog, like shit that got stolen. Like that money went to charity. Like, yeah. You can always do damage.

Yeah. That's the thing. Yeah. Or like, you know, like, okay, let's say like Karnak becomes the face of the alt-right. Then I make a thing where Karnak, you know, marries a Jewish man or something. Like I just, I can ruin their thing. You're the only creature with horns more powerful than his.

Also, anyone who like. I don't know why they like the podcast, guys. Okay, what were you going to say, Jess? Oh, I don't know. Just anyone who would dislike you because you accidentally got fame from someone co-opting your shit. I don't want someone that stupid

to be a fan of mine anyway. That is a very good point. If you're like, well, the fucking bot in Indiana said a mean thing with a picture of you. It's like, all right, well, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't care if that person doesn't like me.

Yeah. You're a fucking retard. Yeah, I fucking retard. You're a fucking gay retard. I don't work for the alt-right, you faggot. And besides the point, bots use pictures of hot women. Let's listen to some voicemails. Hey, Mean Boys pictures of hot women. Let's listen to some voicemails.

Hey, Mean Boys, it's Luis. I just want to know, what are your opinions on 50 Cent as an actor? Yeah. All right, goodbye. Our opinions on what? 50 Cent as an actor. Oh, minimal. But I do love that.

25 Cent. What's up? My name is Luis. I wanted to know how you felt about that one movie that came out in 2008 yeah I don't know anything he's in except for

whatever that is would you rather get rich or die trying I think that's what it was called 50 cent was alright in that terrible fucking

Jake Gyllenhaal movie well there you have it man you got your answer he seems like a fun guy how are you guys celebrating Canada today? You already tweeted No one gives a shit about Canada Day alright guys

Hell yeah, bro Which I can hear it. It's just really quiet. Okay, I'll turn it up show and Fucking the voice move only makes sense when you're not sober. Holy fucking shit, boys. Anyway, wow. I sound like a normal person when I'm sober. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Shag it. Cunt. Dad? Hey, I'm just going to tell you guys now, don't do that. thing that I said should I get kind of... Dad? I'm just going to tell you guys now, don't do that. That made me feel uncomfortable and sad. I realize I just did the exact same thing as a bit, but... Well, I mean, there's just a lot of people that are just like, well,

life's not going how I wanted it to. Better leave a voicemail for the Mean Boys podcast. I'm going to get drunk and call Connor. And I love you guys. You're just in their phone as Suicide Hotline? You guys can't look. Here's the deal.

You guys can't be trusted with slurs. All right? We are responsible slurs. Yeah. There's actually an email I want to read about that in a second. Do we want to? We got like a bunch of voicemails. I'm just going to read off some links.

And let's try to end on a good one. Two minutes, 34 seconds, a minute, 39, or 34 seconds again. Pick one. All right. Yeah. Hey, Mean Boys. Got to leave another message. I just heard that dude on that last episode say that women and nature's punching bag,

and I feel like I got to do good for some of the Mean Boys. Listen to community. I'm a research assistant up at the UC out here. I feel like I'm a research assistant at the UC out here. I feel like I'm a good person. I don't know. I jerk off to normal porn. Anyway, fuck everything. God is dead.

And still walking home, still drunk. The same guy. The guy who said that was him. What's so funny about that is I get the point he was trying to. Who said women are nature's punching bag? We had a guy last week or the week before who called in and was like, man, I want to hit a girl, but I can tap a girl.

I can shove her. They're made to get hit. I hope you're dead. We've shit on that dude forever. Yeah, we don't fuck with that. But I love that this guy was like Anyway he's probably single do you guys have his phone number This guy was like well I don't want him to think everybody hits girls

So I don't hit girls I'm a research assistant And an alcoholic That's the only evidence he gave us That he's a good person The next message is him being like Okay one time You know who else had a research assistant Joseph Mengele

I don't drink and drive Okay, one time... You know who else had a research assistant? Joseph Mengele. Like, that's not... Yeah, yeah. I don't drink and drive. I don't have a car. Oh, this guy thinks that Tom is a reincarnated general. We're going to have to hear this. Oh, I read this one, and it is long and stupid. Hey, guys.

I do a lot of historical research, and I believe I've discovered something you need to know. Shut up, man. Look, there's no amount of preamble that will make this any less weird, so I'm just going to say it. I believe that Tom is the reincarnation of General George B. McClellan. Absolutely.

I know how that sounds, but please, hear me out. McClellan is most famous for commanding the Union Army until Lincoln removed him from command. Okay. But while I was researching newspapers from the 1860s...

When he accepted a fake $100 bill at the gas station. I stumbled upon an obscure and bizarre aspect of McClellan. Motherfuckers would not stop giving him swords. It was a whole thing. In 1861, the city of Philadelphia presented him with a fancy

sword, and that was long before Lincoln shitcanned him. In 53, by which time he'd drawn full democratic martyr, Boston did the same then in the spring of 64 at this big fair in new york city there was this contest to see whether grant supporters or mcclellan supporters could raise more money for a presentation sword mcclellan had more contributors but the grant people gave more money so grant won then throughout the rest of 64 the soldiers who who supported McClellan tried

yet again to raise money to give him the presentation sword. That one more or less fizzled. Something like $800 was raised, and some of that went back to the contributors upon request when it became clear that it wasn't going to happen, and a little over $600 went to an orphanage in New York City at McClellan's request. Anyway, I read all this and it slowly dawned on me. Tom is the reincarnation of McClellan. It would explain not only the seemingly mystical force that compels people to shower him with bladed weapons, but also his confusion. Tom is a restless spirit, still clinging to a simpler time, unable to let go of his bitterness. Ah, yes, the Civil War.

A similar time. Little references to Lincoln into your conversation and see how he reacts. Anyway, thanks for the show. I hope to see you sometime when you visit New York. Abraham Lincoln is one of my spirit guides, according to my psychics. I've got to go steam my khakis.

Thanks for listening, mean boys. He said to bring up Lincoln and see how I react? How do you feel about Abraham Lincoln? I've got to go steam my khakis. Thanks for listening And just be careful because like I said he's in the room Yeah Yeah The man with the plan to free the slaves. Do you remember our fight about the psychics? That was a pretty funny one. Yeah, and they were right. Did a psychic tell you to break up with me? That would be awesome if they did.

Yes, on an episode. Really? Yeah, you guys, go listen to it. You know I'll never prove it because I'll never listen to it. My shitty podcast. The podcast is good. Did he have any evidence outside that we've both been given swords? It was pretty much just a lot of sword facts. McClellan's been given swords.

Yeah, that's your only personality trait. Also, have you ever been fired by a person in a top hat? No. I can't believe you had to think about it.

Has anyone you've ever worked with been shot in the head in a theater? Tom was like, well, I was laid off from the magic store. How do you feel about slaves? I don't like the idea of slaves. Aha, union.

There it is. I don't like them. I almost did. I was like, oh, that's going to sound wrong. And then I was going to watch you slip on a conversational banana peel. I caught myself. Did you notice how slowly I was speaking? Just like McClellan when he fell from that horse.

Yeah. He fell from a horse? Maybe, probably. You fucked McClellan? I mean, I had to get something from somewhere. He plunged his dagger deep into her parts. I don't think I'm this McCulkey guy, but I... McCulkey.

McCulkey. General McCulkey. McCulkey. He dropped paint cans on the Confederate soldiers. He was killed by a bunch of bees. They called him the Sticky Bandit. I appreciate you thinking about me that much, I think. I wonder who the rest of you guys were.

Me? Probably some lying whore from history. Probably. Who would I be reading? Some weak man. I am related to John Brown, apparently. Yeah, what cuck bitch were you? Yeah, Jessica was probably one of Janis Joplin's abortions.

Probably, that makes sense. Yeah. I would have been an abortion. I think I was an abortion in my last life. I love Janis Joplin. Oh my God, my psychic just told me that I was an abortion in my last life I love Janis Joplin oh my god my psychic just told me that I was an abortion in my last life

that's why life seems like it's going on for so long you know what Jessica looks like I just imagine the bus leaving the Manson family compound to go kill

like everybody and you just wait for me fellas like they forgot me behind I'm like yeah a suitcase in your hand with a coat sleeve waving hilariously out the back.

Man, that's like the... Like a Muppet trying to hitch a ride. That's like the special needs guy in the Greyhound who missed the bus and then ran up to us at a stoplight

and his pants fell down and he dropped his hot dogs in the best moment of my life. He had hot dogs. He had multiple hot dogs. Of course he did. He was riding a Greyhound. You guys, that's a mailbag.

We got a bunch of shit left over. There's more voicemails for another day. Jessica, thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. Listen to the Ignorance is Blessed podcast where you interview a guest and learn stuff by asking ignorant questions. Yeah, I have an episode with Tom out probably. I don't know when this is coming out. When's this coming out?

Tuesday. Tuesday. Oh, I'm putting my episode with Tom will drop tomorrow then. Yeah, so check that out. Go fucking subscribe. Give it a five-star rating. You got any live dates coming up? You're going to Edinburgh. I'm going to Edinburgh all of August. Leave a review talking about how small Connor's dick is on my podcast.

Please do that. Leave one on our podcast. No, it would be funny if everyone just went on Jessica's podcast and just wrote, Connor McSpadden has a small dick. It'd be really great. It would really raise my internet footprint as comedy's ex-boyfriend. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Is that your brand? Unfortunately. Skankfest this weekend, and then... We're going to be there, too. Yay! Next weekend, July... Saturday, July 21st, and then Sunday, the 22nd, I'm headlining Hilarities in Cleveland. Yeah, go see Jessica.

She's great. Yay. Yeah, so me... JMS Comedy. At JMS Comedy on everything. Do you have any parting relationship advice to give our listeners? Don't date, Connor.

There we go. Done and done. As for me, Skank Fest, that's about it. Yeah. Get a beer or fly. Great plug, Tom. Yeah. Skank Fest this weekend,

Pacific Northwest, first two weeks of August, we will be posting those dates very, very soon. Just locked in our venue for Portland. Yeah, so by the time this drops, the ticket links should be in the show notes. We'll probably be talking about it at the intro. I believe it's going to be at a place called The Big Legralski. I really hoped it wasn't that one.

Oh, God. No, it's actually a cool location. It's a cool bar. Just the name is a lot. Don't confuse getting high for loving someone. Wow. Yeah. Good day. Words to live by. Tom, anything to loving someone Wow, yeah Good day

Words to live by Tom, anything to plug? Yeah, yeah The night this comes out I'll be at the clubhouse in Placentia, California And then I will The 5th, 6th, and 7th Not to be confused with the clubhouse in Placenta

Which is where Jessica hangs out You live in a placenta Like James and the Giant Peach But with a dead pussy part Where will you be the 5th, 6th, and 7th? August 5th, 6th, and 7th Let the man plug his goddamn shit I'll be at the Chico's in Clovis.

Not to be confused with those Chico's. Shut the fuck up, Connor. Which look like moldy cantaloupes over there. And then September 20th and 29th. I'll be at, weirdly enough, Stinky Con City. Goddamn it, you guys. My shows don't matter. I'm making the plugs memorable.

All Tom's matter. Jesus Christ. Oh, no, I'm making the plug memorable. All Tom's matter. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. I'm going to get us in so much trouble. I'll plug my dates another time. I meant Tom's shows matter. Why did I say that? Tom, plug your dates.

I wasn't trying to be a dick. No, I'm good. This is Connor's fault. All right. Fuck everything. Love is dead. Yeah.