Mean Boys - EP 140 - Bear Cum (feat. Kyle Clark & Rich Slaton)

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

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Hey everybody, thank you for tuning in to the Mean Boys podcast. We've got a little something extra for you guys this week. Stay tuned at the end of the show for a sneak preview of a new podcast on Starburns Audio called Never Seen It. This is a show hosted by comedian Kyle Ayers where comedians rewrite famous movies they've never seen and then do a cold read in the studio. I've listened to the show, I love it, check it out, and stick around after this episode to hear some hilarious moments from Never Seen It.

Hey there Mean Boys and girls, it's your deadbeat dad, Connor McSpadden here. Keith and Tom are still out in New York, so I'm just doing the intro by myself. And first of all, I just want to say sorry to everybody that I wasn't on the show for this episode and that I wasn't at Skankfest. As you guys might know, I've been writing for the Roast of Bruce Willis and shot the night before our show, and it just didn't make sense for me to get out there. Really bummed that I missed it. Really bummed I couldn't see you guys.

I know some of you guys showed up, so fucking thank you for coming. And I hope you had a good time. You probably had a better time without me there. I listened to the episode. It's hilarious. That's coming out this Thursday. I got a little bit of housekeeping to do. I don't know why I said housekeeping like that before we get into it.

A couple of Mean Boys announcements. little bit of housekeeping to do i don't know why i said housekeeping like that uh before we get into it a couple mean boys announcements keith carrie and myself will be uh taping a little television appearance in los angeles next week i don't know if i can say all the details but from what i understand it'll be happening next tuesday um i'm pretty sure you'll be able to get free tickets of some kind to the taping uh so i would advise that you keep your eyes peeled to our Twitter and our Instagram and all that shit or our Facebooks or whatever. And you'll hear more about that. We'll also hopefully be able to announce that officially on the Thursday episode if you don't want to follow us, which if you don't, fuck you. Follow us on everything, Twitter, Instagram. Subscribe to our YouTube page.

We have a Facebook page, but we never use it, but like it anyway. So, yeah, look out for that. That'll be very, very fun. And for reasons I cannot currently divulge, I am fucking mortified of what is going to take place next Tuesday. But it'll be pretty cool. Leave us a review. Oh, wait, no, yeah, don't leave us a review on iTunes. I'll do that in a minute.

Fucking get tickets to our goddamn Portland show. Cool. Leave us a review. Oh, wait, no, yeah, don't leave us a review on iTunes. I'll do that in a minute. Fucking get tickets to our goddamn Portland show, August 9th, with the big Legralski. 10 p.m. show, $10 tickets. Come party with the Mean Boys. Tom's coming. I won't miss this one, I don't think, unless I get some other thing.

But I probably won't. I'm pretty sure this is the last good week of my career. And then after that, Mean Boys Trio stand-up show at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington. I don't know if tickets are out for that. When they are, we'll tweet it and discuss it on here and all that shit. Leave us a review on iTunes. This person writes, Connor, three stars. I will change this to five stars if you stop burping into the microphone. You called my bluff, man.

I didn't realize that there would be such an outcry of disdain over my microphone burping, and I will cut it out. Because, you know, I like to think that the listeners are my boss. This is a publicly traded company, so I'm beholden

to you. So I will do my best. I might forget. Tom will tell you after the whole I was farting on him a lot debacle that it took a little bit of training, but I will do my best not to burp into the microphone anymore. And good news, guys. We are only 79 reviews away from driving to Fresno, California to interview Keith's mother. Oh, boy. Got to go up to the fucking trailer park and sit down with the big, dumb gash herself.

I'm tired, guys. I've been thinking of roast jokes for two weeks, and I just want to be nice for a while, so I can't even find it in me to call Keith's mother some kind of vampiric whore. But you get the picture. Go listen to another intro where I riff something mean about her.

And yeah, while you're at it, support us on Patreon. Only five bucks a month for weekly bonus content now dropping on Thursdays. So it's not just all at the end of the month. Got some great fucking episodes. You just did one with Keith and his new girlfriend where they try to tell their romantic story and I pretty much just call

them fat or whatever the entire time. So that one's pretty good. And we'll be doing a new one, and I'll be dishing out all my hot Dennis Rodman gossip that I have to share. And for $10 a month, goddammit, why don't you pick yourself up a Van Damme Academy bumper sticker every month. We send you a cool little goodie bag in the mail. I just got the Calvin and Hobbes decals in.

I just bought a motherfucking printer. Thank you, Viacom. So we'll be able to print out some address labels and get those sent out. Lickety split. And I also just picked up the Van Damme Academy bumper stickers, and they're fucking badass. They're really stupid. So if you want everyone driving behind you to be confused unless they're, you know, by microscopic chance, also a Mean Boys fan, go ahead and pop over there and give us your $10. And, yeah, we're still all poor as shit, and we could use it.

We live in fear and poverty. Other than that, I'm sure Keith and Tom have stand-up dates. I don't have them in front of me. And you can come see me in Los Angeles at Unnecessary Evil July 27th. That'll be a fun show. And you can see me at Pechanga Casino in Temecula August 31st and September 1st. I'm doing some other shit all over the place. I'll plug that at a future date.

And, uh, shit, I think that's it. I'm sorry, guys. I'm fucking exhausted. Yeah, watch the damn Bruce Willis roast July 29th. It's going to be a really good one. I, uh, I'm really proud of, uh, what we did and, uh, yeah, uh, check that out. That'll be cool. It feels weird to plug something that is, does not need any sort of promotion from me,

but, uh, yeah, go check that out. It'll, you can go, you'll see old, old con man's fucking name in the dang credits. And you'll be like, I listen to that guy's fucking podcast. So, yeah, go do that. And enjoy this week's episode with our wonderful guests. Oh, yeah, fuck. The guests have podcasts. Links for those in the show notes.

Rich Slayton of the Crime with Three Eyes podcast. Three Eyes. You know it's good. And Kyle Clark of the Everything's Great great let's fucking gossip about it radio hour i've uh i've never listened to the show kyle uh but yeah people seem to like it so yeah this is rad you can listen to those i'll have links in the show notes follow those motherfuckers i love those guys listen to a little bit while i was editing and they're fucking hilarious as always and enjoy at long last enough of me uh this week's episode with Rich Slayton and Kyle Clark.

Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Your fingerprint is the only evidence you're an individual and no one else can see it. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Kyle Clark. And I'm Connor, if he had more pizza and less Asperger's. Connor is off being successful and gay. I like to imagine he is in his room.

Yeah, I'm not interested. Those guys. It was pretty great. Like getting the show started, realizing nobody knew how to do anything. Like, Kyle, can you be an adult and make us have a podcast? Look, man, if there's one thing that's really earning my keep in this world these days, it's my AV club time. And not the cool website, but just the fact that I can plug microphones and TVs. Yeah, I have a TV on a cart.

We're going to make shit happen. I wish I didn't look at a TV on a cart like it's a classic car. I'm like, ooh, they don't make them like that anymore. An 87 that was in Subaru. That's not a TV. Yeah, I also don't love the degree of power trip that Tom had when he realized he had control of the record button.

Hey, all I did was start the show. No, you glared around ominously like, I could end this. Yeah, you did look pretty excited. I mean, I could always do that. I saw a dark side of Tom show. No, you glared around ominously like, I could end this. Yeah, you did look pretty excited. I mean, I could always do that. I saw a dark side of Tom there. Yeah, it's called Connor. I know, it feels weird without Connor here because I'm like, the show is definitely worse, but I think we're all having a better time. I can be more sullen if you guys would like.

No, God, no. I've never seen everybody be okay in this room before. I think you said to emotionally heal after the Jessica DeMarco. Oh, man, Tom, why didn't you press the button earlier? Yeah, I'm gonna do a 20 minute... Yeah, thank you, Rich, for not bitching. Yeah, I'm gonna call you retarded for 89 consecutive minutes without breathing. It won't

be that funny, but it'll be long. Who are you pretending to be? You know exactly, everyone. Yeah, that's true. Everyone calls me retarded a bunch. I've never done that. I've never done that either. Although we did name check you at Crime Live. Yeah, that was a cool moment.

I missed it because somebody was telling me about the biggest dick they've ever sucked that week. And how it could have... Hold on, the biggest dick they've ever sucked? The biggest dick they've sucked that week? They were plugging my new podcast? Oh, that can't be. I ate the whole thing. And she wouldn't stop talking about it.

I was like, well, this is an interesting story, but I don't, like, I don't, I'm here to listen to their story. We were talking about similar things on stage anyway. John Schafsky described a catamaran as the boat that's two boats. I just pointed at Keith and I was like, all right, yeah, yeah, that's a Tom. Yeah, I was so proud of how many people were like, we know Tom Goss doesn't know what stuff is. Yeah, it was also hilarious to me because I didn't know the idea that anyone would laugh at that.

They might have thought it was the Senator Tom Goss. Was that a boat with two boats? I don't think anyone actually has a Senator named Tom Goss. I guess there's like two politicians, a realtor and a gay country star musician. Which one are you? I'm the realtor. Selling souls, baby. Here on the Mean Boys.

Tom's trying to sell you a house. What, did you convince someone to move into this piece of shit? Yeah, it's a lightly used cardboard box. Even if there was no murder in the house, Tom tells them the story of a grisly murder, and they go, that happened here? He's like, no, I was just, you guys were listening. We're friends now, right?

Hello is for cowards. That could have been your opening greeting. How did you know the title of my children's book I'm working on? Hello is for cowards. Queen is blood, child. How interesting of a story could it have been about the biggest dick she ever sucked? That's it. It was big.

Interesting. Did she make slide whistle noises? That would have held me in. about the biggest dick she ever sucked. That's it. It was big. Interesting, not... Did she make slide whistle noises? That would have held me in. Here's the easiest part, is I didn't even have to ask you which server at the comedy store it was. We were all like,

yeah, we know who that is. It's the same one who told me she was into me for a week because some guy who looked like me ate her ass real good. You know what? She told me that too. About you, not about me.

Oh, about me. I thought she told you that too and I About you, not about me. Oh, about me. Yeah, no. I thought she told you that, too, and I was like, wait a second. Oh, I like it better when she's a person who's getting her ass eaten by people who look like people she knows. In the world's most specific and weird fetish. One time I was in the car with Kyle, and we were talking to her somehow, and she asked me to send her a picture of my dick, just for scientific reference. Sure. And I did, and you just hear her over speakerphone, and you go, oh, Lord Jesus!

Like, loser. God damn it. And you just hear her over speakerphone and you go, oh, Lord Jesus! Like, loser. God damn it. I was like, that's an ego. That was after she was bullying you to send pictures of your dick both to your phone

and Nicole's phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, how many phones does my dick need to exist on? It's not mine yet. I found out recently that pictures of my dick

have been, like, circulating the, like, comedian black market, like, old, like, Japanese horror films that you buy at conventions. People are just talking about my dick, and I'm like, that's weird. I didn't show you that. It's the Turkish dick pic.

What do you mean the comedian black market? What? What do you mean? Yeah, it's just only at the J spot. I mean Katrina. And like comics. Have comics ever said, hey, do you want to see fill in the blanks dick? Yeah.

I've seen numerous comedian dicks that way. Really? And nobody's ever shown you a comedy dick besides mine? You've never seen Jamar's dick? Yeah, everyone's seen Jamar's dick. I don't think I have. And here's the thing, I'm not interested. Jamar's dick is remarkable.

I believe it. I don't need to see it. You guys have seen Earl's headshot, I'm assuming? It's fun because it's a four panel of his dick. Three necks and the tip. I don't know what it is. I don't need to be like, hmm, I know Kyle, but I don't know what his dick looks like. Like, I've never felt that with any dude.

My dick's a bit of a J.D. Salinger. Yeah. It's reclusive. Hold on. Wait, a J.D. Salad? Yeah, J.D. Salad and Associates. They write about cars that are good. I don't know who J.D. Salinger is.

He wrote the book they're going to find in your pocket when you kill the president. Allegedly. That could have been anybody. You don't know what president. I sure hope I do. Anyway, I think we're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Hi, so topical. I'm just think we're all fired up, gang. Let's get into the Mexican joke, guys. Ay, so topical.

I'm just thinking about different presidents that Tom would kill and what his words would be to each of them. Hey, guys, I just killed Jay Agahova, I think. Yeah, President Jay Edgar. Yeah. Teddy Roosevelt or the wheelchair guy is officially dead. Find me a time machine. I got problems with Grover Cleveland. I killed Teddy Ruxpinville.

Just him with a handful of blue felt. I killed Grover Cleveland. Hey, I shot that. He had a murderous rampage at Henson Studios. He's like, guys, I shot the president. It's just that Allstate guy from 24.

Oh, Tom. Oh, fuck. That's real good. Tom, you want to take it away? We've got a handful of Kiefer Southerners. Oh, shit. Yeah, sure. Okay.

ISIS. The ISIS. The start. The ISIS. The ISIS. As opposed to ISIS State. The original was called ISIS, so they changed it to The ISIS when they wanted to reboot it. That's how they can get verified on Twitter.

That's just how graduates say their alma mater when they wanted to reboot it. That's how they can get verified on Twitter. That's just how graduates say their alma mater when they're professionally doing murders. Al-Qaeda 2.0, whatever you guys want to call them, ISIS has created a spelling app that has been used by English children without the knowledge of their parents. Oh boy, ISIS, you really got us where it hurts. Missing heads and educating our children.

Fuck! What did you think was gonna happen? That was, yeah. At least I started strong. Huh? The idea that ICE has a spelling app. Well, I just don't understand, like, you know, we're really gonna get, you know how we're gonna get those other children. Children are the future, man.

Speaking of children. In Thailand, 12 starving kids were finally rescued from a flooding cave. It's a wonderful surprise as rescuers had described the situation as being, quote, up shit creek without a pad thai. Oh, that rules so hard. Oh, man, it's exciting when, like, the first score of the game is also the one score the game will get. Yeah. It's like the World Cup in here.

We had such a depressing amount of tweets when that story happened where they were just like, oh boy, can't wait for the Mean Boys take on these kids in a hole. Well, at least people know you're on brand. Yeah, and we here at the Mean Boys podcast find it sincerely hilarious. I just think they were told they weren't allowed to hug or kiss their parents until they got treated for lice and diseases. Oh, are they out of the hole now?

Yeah. As opposed to the normal rule where they can't for lice and diseases. Oh, are they out of the hole now? Yeah. Oh, I thought they were going to die there. As opposed to the normal rule where they can't because they're tied children. Well, because any time you spend hugging your father is time you could spend learning the violin. Or out there on the streets earning like a good kid. The police aided two teens after a man stole their marijuana. Upon returning the drugs to the teens, the cops said, okay, now delete the video of me

saying the N-word. A man buried a six-year-old, excuse me, a man buried a six-week-old kitten alive. Tom Goss was arrested and charged with trying to grow a lion tree. A Chili's patron was arrested after exposing himself in the restaurant. As he was booted out, a woman was caught singing, Who'd want that baby dick, baby dick, baby dick? That was great because we all just sat forward and waited for the baby back song. Where's the song coming?

If you're the guy who wrote the baby back ribs jingle, do you just put a bullet in your head afterwards? You're like, I've reached the top of this art form. On a show Tom Sharpling used to do, they had a game that they were doing, which was what's the most 90s song of all time? And he pitched that it was NSYNC singing the Baby Back Ribs song. God damn it. And I almost crashed my car. Yeah, that concept turns into ash if you think of 1998.

The opening scene for the I'm Dying Up Here jingle writing spinoff is this guy stepping in front of a bus. And this is blood splattering over a Chili's billboard. Barbecue sauce. A 92-year-old Mexican man was hospitalized on the 4th of July after being beaten

viciously with a cinder block. Authorities dropped the search for the suspect, citing the incident as, quote, payback for 92 years of lighting off fireworks on every other damn day. I would be more bummed out about that joke if we didn't have to run inside from gunfire last night. Yeah, Thomas Thomas does that. It was me.

Everyone else was inside. No, I just went downstairs beforehand. Yeah, and then I was on a walk when it first started, and I'm glad I was on the phone. I'm glad it fucking ended because I could have gotten super shots. You know what's bad when you're getting panic texts from Tom and you don't immediately go, well, these are the paranoid

ramblings of a madman. You're like, oh no, he's onto something here. You know what's really bad when you run in here to be safe? I think what was a shame is that you, Connor, and Opie all got things that guys stay inside and Ramsey had a thing

that said there's free money in the street. Aussie Fest, a new music festival that mixes music, politics, gourmet food, and technology has been announced

for later this month. Headliners include Hillary Clinton, Passion Pit, Malcolm Gladwell, and an exclusive TED Talk by the clown from Slipknot. They're all clowns. Because it sounds like that other one.

No, they're all different things. One's got a big long nose. Yeah, that's a Jew. I'm a Jew. But a real Junokia. Yeah, Junokia. It's just amazing that you can put Tom and Kyle next to each other and be like, which one knows a bunch of stuff about Slipknot?

I actually really enjoy Slipknot I know, I see your hat Yes You have that hat We all own that hat I completely thought that was a 311 hat at first It would have made sense I do think that about most hats though

Go Ducks, we're going to suck next season. But now they're my team. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo addressed criticism from North Korea of U.S. bullying, saying, quote, the world is a gangster. Undersecretary Billy Corgan then added Santa Dre.

Oh, God. Did you do a little clap when you thought of that? Of course. I literally wrote that down. I was like, good thing it's a Kyle episode. And Connor won't be here for me to have to look him out. I have no fucking clue what you just said. I know it wasn't for me, and so I don't feel bad. But there were words in there I don't think I've heard before.

It's a Smashing Pumpkins reference. Oh, really? It was a band that had melodies. I should have listened. I like the Smashing Pumpkins. I know. That's the funny thing. I was like, it's one of the three bands you've heard. Oh, shit. I just heard. Okay like the Smashing Puds. I know. That's the funny thing is I was like it's one of the three bands you

Oh shit. I just heard. Okay. I was looking at my jokes. One of my favorites. I regret it.

Sorry Keith. That's good. I love you buddy. Read through more of the pods. I've said this many many times but one of my

favorite things ever is I saw the Smashing Pumpkins on their first reunion run and a very drunk lady next to us at the

concert turned and said when do they get good? What? He was like, I don't know, 20 years ago.

Shut up, bitch. What, you think he's not going to phone in at these prices? Yeah, when do you get the all Zwan encore set? The Zwancore. Jesus Christ.

This joke is really dumb. An independent magazine is getting press after they've decided to put an obese model on the cover titled, Health is None of Your Business. People are saying the magazine has very large pages. Tom. Okay.

All right. All right. I'll redeem myself. I'll redeem myself. Thomas Hitler Goss. All right. I'll have to do a 90s reference next. I've never met someone whose ratio of unintentionally to intentionally funny was so skewed.

You might be the funniest person I've ever met when you don't try and the most garbage human being at writing a one-liner joke I've ever met. Hear me out, Keith. You do a wife swap show Where you swap Shefsky and Tom Across two podcasts We already have The gangly wife

Do you know what As the only person Who makes decisions For my podcast Because fuck John Tomaszewski I'm using his full name For that one

I will endorse this You guys can borrow Shefsky for an episode I will borrow Tom For an episode Oh let's do it Yeah I'm into this I'm totally down for this

That would be great. I think that's going to lead to one of these podcasts just not existing. Well, I'm having a baby so I'm going to go with mine. Connor has eight minutes of Shevsky in it before he just quits comedy and walks into the scene. I'm ready for the sweet release of death. How can it be so dumb and so funny?

Let's do it. Both at the same time, every time. Is it my turn to bomb yet, or did Tom go? Yeah, after all the nice things you said, I'm sure you're going to kick ass on this show. You built up so much bomb power. Yeah, let's see how intentionally funny you are. Oh, you got sicker. God damn.

I stepped right into this. Here's the best part, is I definitely front-loaded the shit out of these five jokes. Stockton, California, once called the foreclosure capital of the world, is testing a universal basic income for the next year and a half by giving 100 people $500 a month, no strings attached. In other news, the price of meth in Stockton has mysteriously jumped by $500. All right.

Yeah, you're right. I'm really bad at being dumb. Here's my problem with that joke. It needed more numbers. Yeah. As I was writing that one, I was like, man, this is real math-weight. If a train leaves Austin going 600 miles an hour

and then another train leaves Philadelphia, when does the punchline get there? I mean, tough. A lot of talent in this room. I just love the deeper into summer we get I mean, tough. A lot of talent in this room. I just love that the deeper into summer we get and the hotter it gets in the studio, the meaner this show gets. I'm like, we're all buddies. Have a good time.

You're a shit and die. Welcome to heated cunts, everyone. It wasn't until my gooch started sweating that I was like, you know what? I'm going to shit on the nearest person to me. Hi, Tom. You guys have entered the telethon in the last hour before it's done face yeah i think i think most shows have people like sign a wall or like take a picture we just have people leave nut sweat on that chair it's gonna be a new thing i love it yeah so detroit students are suing their school drastic for failing to teach them how to read originally they were going to write strongly worded letters but you know

all right i like that. It's what you call okay. Yeah, that is thoroughly fine. A hacker used a custom algorithm to steal 600 gallons of gasoline. We're doing our part to stop gas hacks by not letting Connor back into the studio until he stops burping on the goddamn microphone. Take that, guy who's not here. Yeah, this has now become a fight. It started on the show, and now it's in our subreddit with people like,

hey, stop doing that, you gross ass. Here's the good news, is I'm using the microphone he always burps on. Enjoy the smell of quesadillas and shame. Yeah. A suspected drunk driver lit his cigarette with his burning car. After the car finished burning, the man kicked a rock and said, oh, man, now I'm all out of lighters. I mean, I bet in the context of that moment, whoever he was with was like,

That's pretty funny. I like that there is still a passenger in the car, and with their dying breath, they reach over and press play on the stereo, so Ace of Spades. Do it. Tell the world. But I've got to save you. Do it. All right.

This is a good death. Donald Trump today said the solution for the family separation crisis is for Mexicans to stop coming here illegally. He then announced his new immigration plan called Stop Hitting Yourself. Well done. Back in the game. It was like plan nine of his. It was like, I don't know, stop it. Stay over there.

I'll do my wordy immigration joke. An Indianapolis church has put up a display of Jesus marrying Joseph in a cage to protest the immigrant family separation. The president did not comment on the display, but in private did say, if only we could detain Jesus before he looked out the window and yearned for the final two infinity stones. I just like, yeah, yeah. Like Trump's looking at that. He's like, that's all wrong.

We're not putting the Jews in cages for another two years. We got to slow play this. Hey, somebody's reading ahead. Don't cheat at the choose your own adventure book. Choose your own demise book. A man is dead after crashing into his wife On a zipline excursion The woman says she is traumatized

And most likely will not be purchasing the souvenir video Oh you gotta What a lame ass way to die Like I ran into a woman on a zipline And I died What a fragile bitch. Well, the woman was Lady Colossus. All right.

A Starbucks employee helped deliver a baby on the sidewalk. As the baby came out, the barista said, You wanted a tall vanilla latte. It looks like you got a tall caramel macchiato. It's a black baby. Yeah, it is. All right. Rich, you were right black babe. Yeah, it is. All right, Rich, you were right about everything.

I fucking surrender. Hey, I'll say a lot of things. Never tell Rich he's right. Yeah, I already know that. The problem is you admit defeat before you take the swing. I watched the hope leave your eyes midway through the setup.

Here's what it is. I suck at this segment. I can write jokes, just not fucking current events because I don't give a fuck about them. Look around you. None of us can. Yeah. Rich wrote two good ones.

Kyle, sure. I've had three. I've had three. I've had three. Look, all I know is that your audition for this Wife Swap episode has gone swimmingly, and I can't wait for it to happen. Can you imagine Shevsky even just trying to find the book he wrote his jokes in? Oh, God.

All right. Is he really as disorganized as I am? It's a different kind of disorganized. By the way, if you're listening and you don't know who the fuck we're talking about, listen to Rich's podcast, Crime with Three Eyes or a question mark or something. Three Eyes. Impossibly spelled nonsense. John Sheewski's

the co-host over there who is a fucking lunatic. He is a beautiful man and I love him. Well, maybe me and him should start the podcast. Fuck yeah, you should. Oh, man.

I don't know him. Oh, I would love that so much. Like, I know him, but I don't produce. This podcast will be four hours long and no one will have ever pushed the record button.

I would produce this show. I will, yeah. I was about to say the same thing. We are on the same page for how great all this is. All right, let's go to my, I had to ditch a joke because you already did a

burying a thing to grow more things joke. Because I had one about the guy in Montana who buried a baby. You buried a baby? This guy who buried a baby in Montana, and my joke was going to be like, oh, he was just trying to grow more babies or whatever. That's what he said. So now we're going to the bench

for the joke that didn't make the cut. Ah, good, into the dugout. Southwest Airlines is going to the bench for the joke that didn't make the cut. Ah, good. Into the dugout. Southwest Airlines is going to stop serving peanuts on their flights. Customers are shocked and upset that the company is banning the snack, but still allowing those sky cunts to tell shitty jokes. Sky cunts? Yeah, the people who work on the plane.

Yeah, no, I know what you mean. No, no, no. Everyone, let's all feel this. Let's all feel this. Hey, I went three for five. You. No, no, no. Everyone, let's all feel this. Let's all feel this. Hey, I went three for five. You guys can all suck my dick. Hey, I got a real solid one. I got a one.

I love how quickly you get defensive. A 66-year-old man is suing a cruise ship based on a cornhole injury. Restained. The man released a statement saying he's very hurt and does not understand why everyone keeps laughing. How is that name still the name of that game? Because of things like this.

Yeah. Well, they tried to change it to long-distance sodomy. I was about to make the same joke. When your teacher or somebody used to say all the time that you pulled a boner and somebody wanted to correct her and you threw shit at them. This is the best part of my day. You are not taking this from me. We're all pulling boners at the cornhole. Don't fuck it up.

I watched the National Cornhole Championships on TV once. Shut up, Rich. Yeah, yeah, it's a thing that was on television. That's a thing? And I tweeted that, like, I tweeted this because this lady couldn't miss. She, I mean, yeah, she was just like... She knew her way around a cornhole? Dude, she was just corning that hole so hard over and over and over again.

That seems like something so boring, even Huell Hauser would be like, no, I'm good. I guess. I don't understand this Hauser, man. Oh, I forgot that this is a running thing now. Yeah, we did an episode, by the way,

for 25 years of my life, no one's mentioned this fucking dude, and now everyone won't shut the fuck up about him. You guys in the conversation about it and showed up at the party we were both at. And we were already talking about Huell Hauser. Dude, I found out recently that somebody, a friend of a friend, fucked Huell Hauser back in the day. It was like this long-haired dude.

And apparently, number one, Huell Hauser has a dick like a Pringles can. That's what we've been told. And number two, the exact line he said was, suck that dick, hippie. Hell yeah. You know, Tom, I'll join you on this one. I have no clue what the fuck they're talking about. That's the name of my favorite country song. Some fucking cracker bullshit, right?

Yeah, these crackers. Yeah. Not like you. Not like us Jews. People of color. You can't just claim Jew. I could be a Jew, right? Yeah, you know what?

You're in. Thank you. Here's the worst one I wrote this week. 14 people were murdered in the Mexican party town of Cancun. Bystanders say they ran for cover when they heard the shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Okay. I'll give that one. I think that's all of them, right?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, Tom let us off. Yeah, we were all very excited to be out of the Mexican job. Always, always. I fucking hate this segment. But I know you guys love it. I know you guys love it. And I do it for you.

I do it for all of you. And you're welcome. And the Mean Boys, we'll be right back. Are you tired of pretending you've seen The Wire at parties? Never Seen It is a podcast hosted by comedian Kyle Ayers, where famous comedians rewrite famous movies they've never seen and then do a cold read in studio. I wasn't supposed to say

famous it just says comedians and i was reading ahead to see famous and i call them famous comedians they're not all famous but they're all funny they're all they're all more famous than you probably so they're good uh i've listened to the show i like it uh okay back to the copy you'll hear dan harman's take on lawrence of arabia amy miller's rewriting of The Shining, and Flula Borg's No Country for Old Men. Flula Borg. That's a piece of Ikea furniture is rewriting No Country for Old Men, folks. She or he, I don't know what gender Flula Borg is, but I'm sure they've heard that joke a bunch.

I listened to Mike Lawrence's episode of this show, and it was fucking hilarious he rewrote fight club and uh yeah they just talk about i don't i haven't even seen movies and i thought the podcast was funny you know i'm not like a fucking movie guy and i liked it me of all people connor the grump mcspadden as they called me on my soccer team uh plus segments like what movie is kyle's dad describing based solely off seeing the trailer and never heard of the movie team. Plus, segments like, What Movie Is Kyle's Dad Describing Based Solely Off Seeing the Trailer and Never Heard of the Movie. And, wow, their games are even more

ham-handedly titled and self-explanatory than our games. I mean, at least ours is Porn Comet or Yelp Review. That's a pretty quick plug. And, back to the games in the copy, Guess What Three Movie Scenes Are Playing When the Audio of All Three Are Played Simultaneously. Oh, that's fun. I like that. That's a good-ass idea. We're gonna steal that from Never Seen It. And make sure you James and the copy. Guess what three movie scenes are playing when the audio of all three are played simultaneously.

Oh, that's fun. I like that. That's a good-ass idea. We're going to steal that from Never Seen It. And make sure you don't miss a single episode. Bad segue. Subscribe to Never Seen It with Kyle Ayers on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your damn podcasts. This is Starburns Audio, baby. We're a global operation.

End of ad. Quong. Yeah, we're still recording. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. We were talking a little bit off air about the infamous Ramsey come face video. Rich said it was the disgustingest thing he'd ever seen on Pornhub. Yeah. I once watched a lady fuck on top of a dead bear she shot.

Oh, shake that bear. Yeah. Yep. Kyle, come on, man. Come on, dude This is why Kyle is the perfect utility guy You can't be the guy Who knows the bear fuck video

And a podcast about how everything's awesome The bear fuck video, you mean our sex tape? No, you'd be like, Kielhauser, I know what that is Oh, bear sex, yeah, I got that No, I think I turned you on to that video I think I told you about it at the Liquid Zoo That was one i was crying we became friends because we both were going to tell each other about shake that bear what's about shake that shake that bear because she is bent over and a man is fucking her from behind she's using the bear to hold herself up and so as they start

having more and more violent sex he's like yeah shake that bear are we talking about a bear rug no we're talking a dead fucking bear in the world like the video starts with her shooting the bear out of a tree fuck on it yeah it's horrifying and then they take it to like to bat then they cut to them back at like the the hunt the hunting grounds entrance yeah and they're talking about the bear to like four grizzled old hunters we're like oh that's a good one they're like you have no idea really tj miller is also in this bear movie yeah it was uh i saw it the first time i was on a set of a thing I was directing, and we were between setups,

and somebody was like, you've never seen Shake That Bear? Oh, boy. You're watching it on somebody's phone while the DP is setting up for the next thing, and it is just ruining everyone's day. There's a heaviness to the footage that day. I've never watched porn and thought,

man, no dead animals? I'd want just one dead... I don't understand. It's just... Because based on what you're saying... I'm not watching it to be aroused. Yeah, this is not... You should not be jerking it.

Speak for yourself. You're a monster. Yeah. Well, my question is, because this is an edited thing, it's not like one of those secret cam catches fucking... No, no, yeah, it's...

Art comes in all forms, Tom. Yeah. You just wanted to make a pun there. A cum bear. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't even intend to, but now I'm proud of myself on the back end. You made a very good point. Yeah, yeah. You can't... He lost track of a sentence. I did. Half a second. Yes.

Cool. What are we doing? We're talking about cum bears. Playing goddamn Tom Brady. Yeah. Guys, a return of a favorite fucking studio ass motherfucking game bitches Tom fucking

Tom Party and I would just like to point out no we have not bought batteries for the buzzers that someone sent oh fuck that yes oh shit yeah we're fine let's do this raise your hand Fuck. That, yes. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, we're fine. So we just yell out buzz? Let's do this.

What's up? No, raise your hand. Yeah, yell whatever. Yell whatever is the fun. Yell bear cum. Bear cum. Bear cum. Bear cum.

So, you guys ready for your categories? Yeah. Sure. All right, we got nature, nurture, America, and piano men. Fuck yeah. Oh my god. I love this game. Can we just sell this as a TV show and can I be on it every week? If you guys don't make the home version of this, you guys are missing the fuck out.

You're leaving money on the fucking table. Discussions have been had. Cards Against Humanity is about to suck your goddamn tom-shaped dick. Oh, the least fun game for fucking morons? Oh, you mean the game every comedian hates? Oh, God. Yeah, Cards Against Humanity. Everybody can do this.

It's the fucking worst, dude. Yeah. I've been kicked out of Cards Against Humanity. I have, too. Oh, really? What did you do? Talk about how bad the game is and how the thing the person came up with sucked. Oh, I got kicked out trying to play the game.

I got one of those cards you got to make up yourself it was too edgy what did you what did you oh it was something about dumbledore pink sock and harry potter but i don't remember it wasn't that fucking bad it was a pretty okay whatever well and yeah and i agree too that it's funny because it's always like their edgy cards are shit that you like as a comedian you just hear every day i want to hear something like you know like you know come on a pair of bloody child leg braces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an answer. A knife slowly entering your mom.

Shit like that. I don't think that Dumbledore thing is that bad. I didn't either. They can just use an anus repairer and it's all fixed. We should make a really edgy version called Cards Against Cards Against You, man. It would be the biggest, blackest dick. Are we funny yet? All right.

Which one of you wants to kick us off? Kyle will take it away. He's very excited. Kyle? Okay. Ooh, there's so many good ones here. I feel like I want to go America for 100, please. America for 100.

Country blanket. There it comes. Flag. The American flag. Correct. 100. Oh, please. America for 100. Country blanket. There come. Flag. The American flag. Correct. 100. Oh, Jesus. Everyone keep.

That was an easy one. Everyone keep track of your points. When has it ever mattered? Always. It always matters. I have 100. I win. Let's go America for 200.

Sky fight. Bear come. The Air Force. No. Bearcum. Space Force? No. Bearcum.

Fireworks. Fourth of July, I'm going to give it to them. I think that's fair. Okay. I think that's fair. I'm going to go with Nature for 300. Nature for 300. Let's just jump right with nature for 300. Nature for 300. Let's just jump right into the middle here.

Mountain turds. Bear cum. Boulders. Correct. I love how resigned you were to knowing what that was. Keith controls the board. It's like losing a test of your own sanity. Let's go backwards.

Go nature for two. Nature for 200. Body building bush. Tree? No. Bear cum. Cactus. Points.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. God damn it. Kyle Clark controls the board. Also, you forgot to say bear cum. Yeah. Suck my dick.

That is part of the rules now. Fuck off. Do not raise your hand. You say bear cum. Well, we have an episode title. Then you don't have to say anymore. I got what I wanted. Yeah.

I see what you're doing. Piano man for 100, please. Piano man for 100. AIDS piano man. Oh, please. Piano man for 100. AIDS piano man. Oh, shit. Bearcum. Oh. He technically...

Whatever. Freddie Mercury. Correct! I thought it was wrong and it was Elton John. I forgot about that. Okay, are we enforcing the bearcum rule here? I forgot that Freddie Mercury played piano. Yeah, I also feel like for sure one of these people is going to be someone who has never played a piano.

Yeah. You guys are going to... And has AIDS. Pro or anti-bear... We're doing bear cum. We're doing bear cum. Yeah, bear cum. For some reason, of all the people here, Keith doesn't want to say bear cum.

That seems odd to me. I'm in a relationship now. I deleted my growler profile. I'm leaving that world behind. We're doing bear cum. Also sounds like I think if someone yells out like a really weird gay party in Alaska.

We're doing bear cum. And then just rack him up. Everybody get in the pool. Just rack in lines of it. Yeah. Oh, God. One guy on each side of it just doing it like a line of spaghetti

Lady and the Tramp style. Sprinkling some paprika on it. I want it to burn. I use my face to nudge just a ball towards another guy. A loose ball. Keith controls the board.

Oh, a piano come bear face shit for two. Piano man. Okay. Hat piano man. Bear come. Elton John. Points.

Son of a bitch. Kyle controls the board. I'm going to go piano man 300, please. Gay! Son of a bitch. Kyle controls wood. I'm going to go Piano Man 300, please. Gay Piano Man. Bearcum. He got it first. Oh, fuck. Perfume Genius.

What? I thought you meant Elton John. He played piano when he's gay. I went blank because I realized I already said Elton John. Elton John. I just said Elton John. No, that was 200. Well, you couldn't have been Elton John twice.

That's fair. Oh just said Elton John. No, that was 200. Well, you couldn't have been Elton John twice. That's fair. Oh, gay piano man. Dr. Teeth from the Muppet Band. I don't know. No, it was Billy Joel. Billy Joel's not gay. What? Billy Joel's not gay.

I thought he was gay. He's like, for some reason, the symbol of virility in the Northeast. Wait, was I thinking of Billy Joe? Billy Joe is a guy from Green Day. Oh, I was thinking of Billy Joel. His band is gay. He is not gay. He also is half gay.

I just want to try to see if he's not Green Day. I got it. Billy Joel is not gay. He's the straightest man who makes the gayest music. Tom, name one Billy Joel song. Piano Man. Okay, I want to make sure you didn't think Billy Joel was Elton John. No, yeah.

Don't act like that would have been the craziest thing you ever thought. No, it wouldn't have been crazy. I just decided Billy Joel was going to be represented on the show no matter what, because when we were going to play new games, or new names, I had a dumb Billy Joel joke. Give it to the audience. Oh, it was the new name for Billy Joel when he's fucking is Philly Hole. It's also what we're going to call Pat Barker's grave. Yeah.

Philly Hole. Jesus Christ, that's accurate. Join Pat Barker on last week's episode of This Is Rad. Yeah. So, I think you still control. Wait, no. Kyle. Kyle still controls the board.

Oh, you want to cross out 300. You're right. I'm helping you. I got you, baby. I'm going to go Nature 100, please. Or Nurture 100. Oh, Nurture for 100. Ooh. Love You're right. I'm helping you. I got you, baby. I'm going to go nature 100, please. Or nurture 100. Oh, nurture for 100. Ooh.

Love you less, mom. Ant? You got it? Bear cum. Step mom. No. Bear cum. Ant.

No. Oh. Bear cum. Asian mom. The correct answer was babysitter. I don't know. I feel like Kyle deserves at least half the points for the accuracy on that one. Let's just give it to Kyle.

I'm going to count it as 50 points. I think that's fair. Kyle controls the board. I'm going to count it as 50 points. Yeah, yeah, I think that's fair. That's the funniest wrong answer we've ever had. Kyle controls the board. Oh, shit. All right. I'm going to go with Career Suicide. It's already gone. Nurture 200.

Nurture 200. Box of Tell You. Bearcum? Baby Monitor. No. Don't act like I'm stupid. Bearcum. Television?

Correct. Box of tell you. I think you're in the... I think I'm just witnessing rather than playing at this point. You know my favorite thing about Tomperdy is watching Tom just like, this is my voice of a guy who's in charge of a thing. Musical guest. Tomperdy, Tomperdy, Tomperdy. Let's go America for

300. America for 300. Insensitive to Alzheimer's. Bearcum? 9-11? Correct! Wait. What? Oh my god.

That was sorcery, dude. Dude, that was next level. What was that, 300? Yeah, Keith controls a boy. That's the unspoken victim of 9-11. Wait, what happened? It's just depending on what you believe. They're the only victim from 9-11.

Alright, grandpa's up. Put the fucking videotape in again. It's like 51st dates. Oh my god. That videotape in again. It's like 51st. Those dates. Oh, my God. That videotape was on September 12th? 51st, 9-11. Every day of the day, we're married, we live on a boat, a terrorist attack, a world trade scheme. Oh, my fucking God.

And halfway through every day, he goes like, wait, we're on a boat. Why are you telling me about 9-11? We can just drink mimosas and shit. Because I have some follow-up videos I'd like you to watch about at what temperature certain things melt. I'm in the Hudson River, so they're just looking at the burning skyline.

Every single day ends with him having to watch Loose Change. I want this episode to just end with the Stand By Me bass line. They say that was the greatest summer podcast of all time. And it's just because it's Connor writing it. And now all those

homos are dead. Enjoy your gay graves, maggots. Grandpa, stop writing about those gay guys you hate. Shut up, other gay guy I hate. This old Connor is so great. He's so full of hate Keith controls I can't credit to you

Keith for getting that The old Connor He was called Gay Torino America for 400 Tom America for 400 United Basic Bitch Oh Bearcon

Statue of Liberty Nope Oh United Basic Bitch Oh. United Basic Bitch. Oh, sorry. United Bottom Bitch. I said that wrong. Oh, United Bottom Bitch?

Yes. Oh. Fuck, that makes even less sense. Oh, Bear Cum? The Constitution? No. No. Jesus.

Wow. What commentary? No, Bottom Bitch. We build everything on the Constitution. Wow. Yeah. A lot of thought. Bear Cum. Bear Cum. We don't... Okay. Local government? Constitution. Wow. A lot of thought. Bear cum.

Local government? No. We possibly thought that. Because it's what everything builds out from. They probably think local government is a strong thing. Bear cum. Ivanka? No.

It was the vice president because it goes pimp, then bottom, bottom, bottom. I love that we all went, that does make sense. That makes more sense than we thought. Unfortunately, that tracks. Wow. You guys really overthought it. This route is slowly turning into a very salty Doonesbury strip. Keith still controls the board.

I'm going a second button down. I'm about to take my shirt off. Because I forgot that I have to wear this shirt to a gig later. Yeah, it's brutal in here, and this shirt's coming off at some point. I'm going to go my shirt off. I forgot that I have to wear this shirt to a gig later. It's brutal in here and this shirt's coming off at some point. I'm going to go... Where are we at on Nurture? We're at 300. I'll take Nurture for three.

Nurture for 300 is Loose Prison. Loose Prison? There it comes. Preschool? School in general. Points. Hell yeah. That was 300? I was thinking. School. Points. Hell yeah. That was 300? Yeah.

I was thinking of a pussy joke. I know. So am I. To what end? Yeah, but this is a competitive game. We've done this game easily 12 times, and every time we get to the end, Tom realizes he doesn't really know the mechanics of how Final Jeopardy works. Oh, yes.

Nurture for 400. Nurture for 400. Sex food Bear cum Regular cum No Wait Bear cum Baby food

No Bear cum Tit milk Correct Yes Back in the game Here's what I was like Guarantee you

Tom wrote tit milk Not breast milk I actually wrote Breastfeeding So but it was Yeah Alright Joe College

Rich controls the board Holy shit Back in the game I'm gonna take Nature for 100 Please Tom Nature for 100 Sky burps

Oh Bearhound Thunder Correct Hell yeah Ty the game. I'm going to take nature for 100, please, Tom. Nature for 100. Sky Burps. Oh, Bearcum. Thunder? Correct. Hell yeah. Tight. Bro. Kyle? Alright, nature for 200. Nature for 200. Oh, we already did that. Sorry. Oh, okay.

That was Bodybuilding Bush. Oh, gotcha. Nature for 400. Nature for 400. dandruff Bear cum Snow Bear cum Hail Which seems the most reasonable answer I cannot wait to see what thing

That does not apply as well Somehow even in this nonsense game you're going to be wrong. Bearcum, I know this is wrong. Aphids? No. What? Because they're the little white stuff that comes out of a lion. No, aphids are green.

Are we doing Kyle Kuyperty? It was clouds. What? What? Hey. It's Tom Topper, not what you think is right, Topper. White and flaky. They're not flaky, you dumb shit. They look flaky.

No, they don't. Snow was right there. Snow is flaky. I'm sorry I'm not basic enough for you guys. I still have control of the board, I believe. I'm not basic enough for you guys. I'm going to go Piano Man 400. Piano Man 400. Oh, I forgot you still have control. Me too. Yeah, Rich, 400. Oh, I forgot you still have control. Me too.

Yeah, Rich, how you living? I'm here. Sad Piano Men. Bearcum? Ben Folds 5? No. Okay. Oh, Bearcum.

Hall & Oates? No. Did you figure it out? I think so. Okay. I'm probably wrong. I got nothing on this one. What's your backup guess?

It was going to be Simon and Garfunkel. No, it was Coldplay. Oh. Okay. That's remarkable. Sad Piano Man is the least help you could have given. It made sense once he said it, though. The category was already Piano Man, so technically the only clue we really got was sad.

Well, no. The category was Piano Man. It was Piano Man. It does say Piano Man right there. Yeah, Tom. Look at the other page. Tom, you're nodding enthusiastically at Kyle telling you you're wrong. Oh, I wrote this wrong.

I wrote this. You fucking goofed up. I'm sorry you guys are bad at things. Kyle controls the board. I'm going to go with Nurture for 500, please. Nurture for 500. Giving up classes.

Oh, Bearcum. Community College. Nope. Bearcum. Why did I say that? I didn't actually know. Trade school. Nope. Bearcum. Continuation school say that? I didn't actually know. Trade school. Nope. Bearcum. Continuation school. Nope. It was religion slash church. Okay.

Okay. I think you should give yourself 500 points for that one. I win. Kyle still controls the board. Nature for 500, please. Nature for 500 please Nature for 500 Ground diarrhea Bear cum

Volcano Magma Close enough Yeah that's fair Now Piano Man 400 should be crossed out too So it's just Piano Man and America for 500 left It goes with crushing this game and technically running it Always be producing

Welcome to Kyle Clark Presents the Mean Boys Podcast. Hey, if I have my druthers eventually. We'll have been in talks. I just don't have that Starburns money. I like that you think they're giving us Starburns money. I love that everyone accuses you guys of having Starburns money.

Look around you. Does this look like the home of people with money? Well, it's that you guys signed on and said we're in those dollar sign glasses everywhere. You guys can afford a sperm bank sign. We're in the set of a Comedy Central digital series. From the roommate who no longer lives here. He sucks. That's right.

Keep hoping and plod. You guys got props from Void? I'll take America for five. America for 500. The Great Dick Measuring. Bearcum. War. No.

Close, but... The Revolutionary War? No. Bearcum. The Civil War. Nope. Bearcum. World War II.

Nope. It was the Cuban Missile Crisis. Fuck. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. Well, we got one left. Piano Man for 500. It's a dumb junk.

Pretty Voice Piano Man. Oh, Bearcum? Rufus Pairman? No. Bearcum. Tom Waits? No. Pretty Voice?

Hey, I know Tom. We understand your feelings. Okay. Pretty Voice Piano Man. Pretty voice piano man. Pretty voice. Yeah, who the fuck could you be talking about? Also, we're pretty close to exhausting every musician you know of who might play piano. Yeah, that's the thing is I know Tom only knows like six musicians.

Bearcum. Little Richard. No, Adele. I fucking love Adele. Yeah, there we go. Piano woman. It's a lady, you dumb shit. Oh, love Adele. Yeah, there we go. Piano woman! It's a lady, you dumb shit. Oh, I guess that's fair, yeah.

Adele got a pussy, dum-dum. Hey, don't assign a gender to her. Hey, that is sure. Yeah, she got big floppy British tits, you goon. Oh! All right, so what are you guys' points? Gender equality. Rich has 600.

Yeah, I lost a lot. Yeah, you lost real hard. I still beat tom even with his 500 points that he won i have 1300 i have uh 10 50 damn this is the most competitive game of this yeah all right i'm telling you man we should probably turn this into a tv show usually this game is me with like 3 000 points connor with like a begrudging 700 and then kyle canane calling his publicist and asking why he did this yeah i's usually what Tom Coffin is. Yeah, okay, so... Yeah, I don't even know why I'm here.

Yeah, I don't know. Kung Pao Chicken, let me leave. Alright. So, alright, I give you guys a category then you guys place your bets, right? Sure. Could not matter less, Tom. Game Show Hosts is a category. Cool. I'm gonna go ahead and just bet 600 right now. I'm gonna bet 1300

because nothing means anything. Okay. I'm gonna to go ahead and just bet $600 right now I'm going to bet $1,300 because nothing means anything I'm going to bet $500 Oh you cunt actually trying to win this thing I've never won anything Okay You cocksucker I didn't care until right now You're still going to win

Because you live with the game show Why can't you let me have one thing I don't know if you lived with an encyclopedia And played Jeopardy I live with the game show. Why can't you let me have one thing? I don't know if you lived with an encyclopedia and played Jeopardy. All right. No, it's I used to sleep with Encyclopedia Brown. Do we buzz in or do we write our answers down? We write our answers down. Write your answers down.

All right. I know how it's supposed to go. I didn't know how Tom thought it went. All right. The producer's guiding you. All right. Nice. You guys ready for your hint?

We are. Okay. The hint is trick are. Okay. The hint is Trick You Man. I mean, that is a lot of them. I think I have my guess. The whole thing is Trick You Man? Yes. The entire...

The category is Game Show Host. Oh, it's Game Show Host, the category. Yes. Oh, Trick You Man. I have my guess. Okay. Tommy Jackass. I also like that we built in a part where we were for sure all just going to be quiet on the podcast.

All right. Here we go. I got it. All right. All right. Answers. All right. I'll start.

You don't want to know. Howie Mandel. Okay. Tom Goss. right. I'll start. You don't want to know. Howie Mandel. Okay. Tom Goss. Okay. Drew Carey. Okay. The correct answer was Tom Goss.

Oh! What's this? What the dick? The fucking level of amused you were a moment ago. I certainly did trick you, man. The fact that you saw that coming is so frustrating right now. Here's what I saw. I saw him just go, trick you more.

Wait, his eye movement was what gave it away. His eyes went back and forth like one of those Felix the Cat clocks. Somewhere Connor is sitting and just had a shudder. And then he's like, I've got to be real mean to my roommates when I get home. I don't know why. I've sensed a disturbance in the forest. Some retard bullshit is happening in my living room. Oh, shit.

Well, guys, that was, I think, an all-timer for Tom Poverty. That was a lot of fun. And the Mean Boys will be right back after these brief messages. Kyle lost. Blah. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. We got an email here from Jim Richards. Hey, Mean Boys. I couldn't help but hear the awful news about the 12 soccer boys and their coach stuck in a cave in Thailand.

Of course, I hope the authorities will rescue them soon, but I can't help but wonder, are they jerking off down there? Definitely. I mean, there can't be that much to do. Yeah, of course. Because they were what, like 13? Also, it's dark. That's all you need to start jerking off is just a little bit of dark? I'm going to say they probably aren't. You don't think so?

No, because they don't think so? No, because they don't have access to food and shit. Everybody got shirtless so quickly. Yeah, it's hot and we're all men-ish and we should be allowed to express ourselves

in the deprivation of heat. I have started this trend. This is a revolution. This is almost the first episode where everyone wore their shirts. I think everybody is wearing khaki shorts and flip flops. And now we know.

Doesn't this feel better? Don't we feel more likely to help Thai soccer players? If we turn the lights off, we can all beat off real quick now. Who wants to play a game of Thai soccer players? I don't think anybody is acknowledging this. I read a question about, do you think those children are masturbating? And then everyone took their shirt off. It's unrelated.

I just did a fast. What do you possibly think those things have in common? They couldn't eat. You weren't in a cave. They couldn't eat. That's what I'm talking about, right? They eat the cum. It's protein. I beat off in a room with a bunch't eat. That's what I'm talking about, right? They eat the cum. It's protein.

I beat off in a room with a bunch of my friends, and I had other rooms I could have gone to. So it's like these guys – I beat off in here. I'm saying they wouldn't have energy to beat off. Everyone just politely said nothing. They have no vitamin C coming in. They got no food. Yeah, why do you think I'm messing up the bear cum call when we were playing the last game?

I'm out of cum. He was distracted. The follow-up question is, have you or guests been stuck somewhere awful for a long time and had to jerk off? I've jerked off on several airplanes. Oh, definitely. I've jerked off on an airplane, a bus, and a boat. So I've technically jerked off on land, sea, and air. Dude, I need a blimp and a rocket.

Oh, yeah, no, I have planes, trains, and automobiles. I've never jerked off on a plane. You've never gone solo mile high? Why? No. The sad high club? I mean, you've got to have something to look forward to when you get to where you're going. Yeah, but have you never flown internationally?

Yeah. That's like a 12-hour flight. I could hold it together for 30 minutes. I was flying from Seattle that way. For me, it's more just like... Everybody leaving from Arizona. I was like 14, and they were showing Charlie's Angels 2. You're not made of stone.

And there's like that burlesque like pussycat dolls thing. And I'm like, well, I just figured out how cum works. And I think this is what it's for. I don't even think. Sorry, I had the thought of I don't think I've like jerked off in a car. But I was like, oh, but I have fucked somebody in a car and it might have involved some of that. So that's different. There's an old there's's an old road set.

There's an old thing. You're not a real road comic until you've pulled over to jerk off. And you're not a real veteran until you do it without pulling over. One of the most haunting things I've ever heard was Connor telling me, yeah, I pulled over behind an abandoned fire station to jerk off. Then he drove 14 hours straight, and we recorded Kyle's podcast. And it was tense and wet. Oh, man. That was the first time I've ever walked in a room and the first sentence out of my mouth was, is Connor okay?

Because the answer's never, sure. The answer's never been yes. Yeah, it was just like, he'll live. I love that the implication of the email is we have to be trapped somewhere to jerk off inappropriately. Yeah, everybody here is just talking about, well, I was surrounded by food and shelter. I beat off in class in seventh grade once because my buddy Yakov bet me 20 bucks that I wouldn't do it. Jesus. And then so, like, I surreptitiously beat off inside my shorts, and then I had to prove it to him.

And there's only one way to prove that you successfully beat off in class. Open your mouth. What, did you reach in and, like, scoop out? Oh, I definitely showed him the hand. You went pearl diving? Like, there you go. Jesus Christ. Check out that sheen.

Dude, this was 1990. Do you know how much $20 was worth in 1997? $17. That could buy you one CD. The first time I watched Girls Gone Wild,

it was in my hockey coach's attic and I was with... Hold on, pause. Let's unpack from the beginning. Why were you in your hockey coach's attic? Now every time you hear steel drums he just comes and starts weeping. To watch Girls Gone Wild.

Ask a silly question. Three of us. His son was on the team. Oh god. That's a very important note because if his son Wasn't on the team You're like No he went to

Our hockey coach's place To watch porn in the attic Yeah no And me His son And the other dude Were all just like Fucking you know

In the attic Watching Girls Gone Wild And we're all like Talking like Yeah Wouldn't it be The jerked off And I'm like

I don't give a fuck And I just kind of Quietly Whoa Yo Man you really buried the lead on I jerked off with my friend. Oh, no, no. They didn't notice.

Oh, you were covert ops. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. I bet you weren't. Wait, you guys never had one porn? Because you're old enough for this. But you never had this? There's only one pornography tape.

And so we're all in different corners of the room trying to beat off. No, I mean, yes, but I also suck that kid's dick. Oh, fair enough. So, like, you know. Oh, no, there was a... That was awesome. It was also a kid. I had one friend.

He's made a face like that last week. I had one friend. Tom's hockey coach. Well, all you need to think is the Tom Salon's remake of The Mighty Ducks is awesome. That's for four of your listeners. But also, hopefully, your lady friend. This is a different friend. Nope.

Nope. And we both water-watched porn. He's like, okay, you're going to wait in the hallway. I'm going to watch porn. Then when I'm going to go to the bathroom, I knock on the door. You wait 10 seconds. You come in.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. You come to my room. And then you jerk off. And then I'll come. And then I'll go out the other door. We had a whole fucking room. I hate that this is where Tom and I are starting to come together. Because we had a time there was like six of my buddies at my house. and then I'll go out the other... I hate that this is where Tom and I are starting to come together. Literally.

Because we had a time there was like six of my buddies at my house and we only had one porno tape, so one of the guys wrote out a schedule of when we all got to go use the bathroom to beat off. Also, Rich is beating off right now. Well, it's hot in here. But it's about to get hot.

Yeah, we were doing drugs and then you had a girlfriend. Or you went home. I admire your options. Yeah, I also admire your restraint. See, we did the same thing, except we didn't have... There was drugs to do. We weren't going all the way to the bathroom.

Me and my buddy, he had Skinamax, so I would just go down to his place and we'd watch it. One of us would hide behind the couch while the other one was jerking. Also, same room. Every minute, switch around. That's fucking weird. Acting like you were better than me. Like I said, then we eventually just ended up blowing each other. Yeah, white room. Every minute switch around. That's fucking weird. Acting like you were better than me. Like I said, then we eventually just ended up blowing each other. Yeah, well, apparently.

We both knew that's where it was going. Nobody wanted to pull the trigger. We were shy. Now, I want to say this, though. I think I've told this story, but not in here and not in this context where it's the most appropriate it's ever been. I cannot wait. Well, I brought my first high school girlfriend around my friends for the first time.

We were hanging out, and she was kind of a hipper, cooler lady than me and my scumbag friends. And we were getting ready to leave, and one of them says, oh, but you're going to miss the circle, jerk. And then she laughs, and all of my friends, because we're all really good at committing to a bit, get quiet and all look in different directions. And she's like, wait, you guys are joking, right? And they take a solid two-second pause and go, yeah. And so then we get in the car and she's like, wait, do you guys all just jerk off and hang out? No, no, no, we're just committed to a bit. And she's like, why would you be committed to that bit?

I'm like, because it's kind of funny. She's like, do you really do this? And they take a two-second pause and go, no. And she turned to a bunch of her friends, like guy friends, and was like, do you guys do this? And they're second possible no and she like turned to a bunch of her friends like guy friends and was like do you guys do this and they're like no that's weird why would they possibly and like later on i was like guys she fucking thinks that's true they're like i know it's hilarious you know we were just sociopath assholes you know there was one guy in the group who was like look i know we're doing a bit, but if I commit hard enough, maybe we'll just do it.

Oh my God. Good stories. Mike says, hey, Mean Boys, given that most of your listeners are disaffected Midwest factory workers and you guys are struggling artists, if you were to turn Mean Boys into a radical political party, how far do you think you'd get before it all falls apart? What's the first

step? Mobilize into a political party. Yeah, that would be where it fails. How far do you think you'd get before it all falls apart? What's the first step? You tell me. Mobilize into a political party. Yeah. That would be where it fails. He also says, who would end up blowing their brains out in the bunker? Who goes on trial for war crimes and who flees to South America? Ah, the kill fuck Mary of war crimes.

I'm surviving. I'm going to South America. I'm getting out of this clean. Yeah, Connor kills himself before the revolution even starts. Yeah. No, he starts the revolution. Then once it. Yeah. No, he like starts the revolution. Then once it starts to be like work, he goes all Che and just bails out. Connor kills himself because we asked him to Photoshop our banners.

And there is no question that Tom becomes like a full Fidel Castro with a giant beard and like has like a pretty solid decade long run before he's overthrown. Yeah, I mean, Tom would be good at being a Saddam just because I could see him living in a hole. I mean, I genuinely feel like I could see you as some sort of warlord, and do pretty well at it, Tom. I think I'd be too nice, though. When we're fighting for gasoline and assholes, you're going to be the leader of something. Oh, the Gas and Asshole Party?

Yeah, right. Is that the name of the people's political party? The Gas Hole Movement? It is now. Yeah. If you guys don't think you've already... Lewis Gomes is furious right now. Gas Hole Movement. I think it's pretty clear that the way you start this movement is by having rallies at Denny's across the country.

Yeah, it starts in the backs of Denny's. And then it builds out to Applebee's, Chili's, and TGI Friday's. Bryce Bolin says, Dear Mean Boys, I was curious if you guys had any tips for dealing with not quite crippling sadness and sold out. Like, I make myself go to work and don't hate my job and I hang out, but I'm mostly just sad all the time. Pills. Oh, there you go.

You wanted me to read this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a legit. Get some friends you can jerk off with. Yeah. No, I disagree. It's fucking... Find a bunch of things that... Find enemies you can jerk off with.

I mean, I will say this, and it doesn't matter whether you're inclined or not, just start writing stuff. And just start doing artsy bullshit and just filter your rage through that. Also, there's nothing punk rock can't solve if you just start smashing shit in a yard

listening to the Jed Kennedys. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of with Kyle 100% on this. I think, yeah, I think make anything. Create something in the world that doesn't exist. And it doesn't matter if it's good or bad, just make it because then you made it. Yeah. Just know that gun laws allow you to purchase whatever you want in pretty much any state, so.

Well, I cannot stress enough that was Rich Slayton, host of Crime, with three eyes and 49 bodies. I'm looking for more stories to do. Jesus Christ. I'm just trying to put it out there that people keep a diary before you do it, please. Breaking news. Failed comedian and incredibly compelling persuasive speaker, Rich Slayton. God, I love that the news keeps calling him on trial for crimes against humanity people stop do you have any follow-up on this one yeah you i think like dealing with the

fucking change everything like you're you're there's a couple things that like you're like oh this bugs me this bugs me you know but in order to really fucking get out of that, you have to change the way you think you got to change the way you eat. You got, you got to literally address every fucking unhealthy thing. I'm going to change it all. Uh, cause if you're like,

I'm just going to fucking tackle one or two things, it, you'll fall back into it. I'll do a PSA moment here too, just cause this was a big thing for me. Hey buddy, whoever this is, this is a big shirtless sweaty guy who is actively dealing with clinical depression.

Psychology Today is a great resource for actually finding like therapists in your area. They can talk about – you can search for different kinds of psychologists like that specialize in your problems. And they will – like different places will work with sliding scales. When I was broke as fuck but was going to kill myself, I started therapy and found a place that was willing to do it for $40 a week, which is pretty doable if you have a job. And so it's don't ever think it's too expensive or if you don't have insurance. I was

insurance-less. I had no money and I was able to find a place to do it. Psychology Today is an incredibly useful resource for finding therapists. Yeah, and I think the last thing I'll say on this before we close with the stupidest Twitter exchange I've ever seen. I think, you know, we say on this before we close with the stupidest Twitter exchange I've ever seen. I think, you know, we talk about nihilism all the time and we act like everything is stupid and we hate everything. Everything's kind of fine.

You're going to be okay. Like, I know it sounds dismissive, but nothing is permanent. The shit that feels terrible isn't going to feel terrible forever. I know, I'm going to flip behind you. This is the real reason you live is to fucking spite those fucks. Everything's not fine, but if you give up, they win. So you've got to keep living because on a long enough timeline we'll fuck them over dude i i i'm sorry that's just the voice i said yeah i don't i don't believe nihilism has anything to do with depression or negativity personally i always feel like nihilism is funniest when you're most depressed no i i

guess i don't i don't even i'm gonna be honest with you that was really we just made a lot of jokes about this guy killing himself no i made hold on i want to be clear i didn't make any jokes about him just made a lot of jokes about this guy killing himself. No, I made – hold on. I want to be clear. I didn't make any jokes about him killing himself. I made him jokes about him killing other people in groups. All right. Well, fuck me for trying to eject some positivity. Well, no. I know.

I was just talking to a friend the other day. We were talking about suicide and how sometimes the dark jokes make you feel better than the like it's going to be okay because you can't imagine it being okay again. And sometimes just having somebody acknowledge it. Man, shit is fucked up, but let's keep going for a minute and just see what happens. If nothing else,

perhaps your enemies will be hit by a car. I think in the end, the general thing is more output, less input. The more input you get, the more things just fuck you up and turn you in a weird direction. And the more you just output, whatever that output is,

whether it's writing shit down, painting shit, breaking things in your backyard, getting a weird ass hobby. are helpful too just just get just get things out of you rather than have things put into you yeah that's really smart yeah and yeah as someone who fucking i was also sorry i'm talking about this so much someone who also like i kyle some people listen to kyle and some people have already been down the road it doesn't it hasn't worked for them you got to change you internally for those people

that's where I was fucking yeah you and you got to put that effort in changing you like you're a different person changing you because like you become a person you're happier with living with like yeah amazing how you change those things knowledge and you're like oh I kind of like me now right and you even have to like you you just got

to kind of like be like he's cool also there's good there's good news here. Like there's still seven states in this country where interspecies relationships are totally legal. So take a risk. Go into those places. Tennessee still. If you can't shake the blues, shake that bear. Yeah.

Boom. Three points. From way downtown. Bear, come. I feel like I ended up in episodes with particularly filthy names. What's up? I said I feel like I end up on episodes with particularly filthy names. You wonder why we're friends.

Oh, I knew from the jump. I was like, oh, this disgusting monster is going to be a real good friend of mine. You wonder why it's the episodes you're on that have them. Yeah. It's because you're gross monsters. I remember my first episode was blah, blah, blah, Joe's asshole. Yeah. Can we hear whatever douchebag tweeted you?

What's up? Is there a Twitter exchange we're getting to? Oh, yeah, yeah. So, at God's little retard. That sounds like all of your listeners. Oh, and he's a Mean Boys fan. Yeah. At Mean Boys podcast.

It's so fucking weird that I lost a tooth last night while eating KFC mashed potatoes that today I hear about Keith Tell's jokes teeth. I am 27 years old. It's not okay to lose a tooth on something as soft as mashed potatoes. Then Colonel Sanders responded to the tweet. What? The KFC like. Like check marked?

Yeah. Verified. Verified Colonel Sanders. Oh my God. Can you DM me with more information? I would like to look into it God's little reader says no it's my tooth That exchange should be a t-shirt

Yeah it's my tooth should be a t-shirt Or a bumper sticker How many of your listeners are just the character Randy Quaid played in the vacation movies No the character Randy Quaid played in the vacation movies? The character Randy Quaid is playing now. Oh, my God. Just the idea that the colonel tried to make things right. This guy was like, no, fuck you.

Fuck you, buddy. I am a tooth libertarian. I am the Ron Paul of broken mouths. He's a toother. He's a 9-11 toother. I don't know. What is more Mean Boys fan? That he told the colonel

to fuck off and tried to help or that he lost a tooth to mashed potatoes? I mean, that's pretty rough. It's a spectrum. Being a Mean Boys fan is on a spectrum. Oh, you guys might be

my favorite people out there, guys. Oh, man. I'm sorry. You guys are fucking great. That's it for the show this week. Thank you guys so much for coming. Always a good time. Seriously.

You guys have shows that you can... Yeah. Plug your shit. This is Rad, which is my podcast that Rich was just on. And it's a celebration of things people like.

You've heard all these folks on here many a time talking about things. Yeah, I just did one with Fantasy Music. Yeah, that was a real good one. That one, Tom had a hockey one. Tom and I were working

on getting a couple other ones going. Rich just pitched me another one. We have a ton of fun episodes. We just were one episode away from being done with the Summer of Rad, all our outdoor episodes. We went to the beach in an episode where we are all clearly kind of hammered and just talking about shit and blood for about 25 minutes. Oh, you did a B-voice at the beach?

Yeah. You hear the relaxing sound of waves as we just cannot stop talking about shit and blood. Your show might have looped and become grosser than ours. It's a real when we don't

we don't always go dark but when we do it'll make you vaguely uncomfortable and nauseous. We go dark with red. And then my album Kyle Clark

I'm a Person. You should grab that and listen to it before my new one comes out sometime next year after I record it in December.

Yes, yes, yes. Check out Crime with Three Eyes C-R-I-I-I-M-E You should grab that and listen to it before my new one comes out sometime next year after I record it in December. Yes, yes, yes. Check out Crime with Three Eyes, C-R-I-I-I-M-E, every get podcast. It's like a mystery science theater for true crime stories. Yeah. And Connor's been on it. Kyle's been on it. These boys are going to be on it.

We're going to do a wife swap at some point with Tom. You guys have all those great live shows. When does this come out? This comes out at some point next week. You guys have all those great live shows. When does this come out? This comes out at some point next week. Oh, cool. And then I guess it's this weekend for you guys.

I'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store on Friday the 20th and Saturday the 21st. Two shows, Friday, Tuesday, Saturday. Come out to La Jolla Comedy Store and we'll

eat a burrito together. Hell yeah. We got San Diego shows out there. Go to that fucking show. We're going to be doing a live Mean Boys in

Portland, Oregon, August 9th at the Big Legowski. Tickets are on sale now and the ticket link is in the bio for this show. Tommy, you got anything to Portland, Oregon, August 9th at the Big Legowski. Tickets are on sale now. And the ticket link is in the bio for this show. Tommy, you got anything to put in there? Yeah, August 5th, 6th, and 7th, I will be headlining the Chico's in Clovis, California. So please come out to that.

Oh, and August 10th, a live Mean Boys stand-up show at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington. Yeah. Wait, it's August or October? August. Oh, I put these down as October. Well, that seems like a huge problem we'll have to deal with in five minutes. Hot end of the show, guys. All right.

We should get somebody to get a picture of all of us shirtless. Oh, we're going. I'm already planning it. Yes. Good. Good. All right. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Hope you guys enjoyed this week's episode of Mean Boys And now buckle your dicks for a clip of Never Seen It A podcast where comedians rewrite movies they've never seen Available exclusively on Starburns Audio The sub-pop records of distracting you on your commute to work. So, uh, fucking listen to Never Seen It, the preview.