Mean Boys - EP 141 - Mr. God (Live feat. Jessica Michelle Singleton, Chris Crespo, Damian Holmes & Maddy Smith)
Episode Date: July 19, 2018Get tickets to our live show in Portland, OR on August 9th: https://eventbrite.com/e/mean-boys-live-the-big-legrowlski-in-portland-or-10pm-tickets-47943987758 Fill out our tour sheet to get on our em...ail list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Listen to Jessica's Podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ignorance-is-blessed/id1169111367?mt=2 Subscribe to our YouTube channel : https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at (304) 805-6326 We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Maddy Smith on Twitter: twitter.com/somaddysmith Follow our guest Chris Crespo on Twitter: twitter.com/cresposts Follow our guest Jessica Michelle Singleton on Twitter: twitter.com/jmscomedy Follow our guest Damian Holmes on Twitter: twitter.com/damianholmess Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey, Mean Boys and Girls, we've got a new episode recorded live from Skankfest in New York City.
Skankfest!
This was a fucking party.
It was so much fun.
Thank you to our guests, Jessica and Michelle Singleton, Chris Crespo, Maddie Smith, and Damian Holmes.
Yeah.
And to everybody who came out.
And everybody at Skankfest who said they love Mean Boys and that they dig what we do and they found us from Real Ass Podcast.
You guys are fucking rad.
Yeah.
We had the best time we've ever had.
Yeah, those Legion of Skanks Extended Universe fans are good ones.
Met a couple of them out in Austin.
And I was like, oh, they came from Skankfest.
Just bracing myself for the tirade of
loud public slurs on the sidewalk.
Thanks for offsetting the rest
of your fan base.
Yeah, so, yeah, fucking thanks to everyone who came out.
Sorry I couldn't make it. Had to do
fucking roast shit back in Los Angeles
and it just didn't make sense financially to get out there.
But I definitely want to go next year.
And we'll be back in New York City soon.
Speaking of the road, we're going to be in Portland, Oregon,
on August 9th at the Big Legrowski, 10 p.m., $10 tickets.
Get your tickets right the fuck now.
Tom's going to be there.
We're doing a live podcast.
It'll be a lot of fun.
And, yeah, the next night we'll be doing a trio Of stand up comedy
At Jai Tai
In Seattle, Washington
Also with Mr. Tom Goss
Yeah
Come to both
Yeah come to both
Follow us around
With the Grateful Dead
Yeah yeah
Northwest
Yeah
Through the PNW
Get some mean in your life
You sexy bitch
And also
Fill out our damn tour sheet
Let us know where we need to go
We love going on the road
Meeting you guys
We gotta figure out
Where we can draw
Enough of a crowd
To fill a 30 seatseat bar and sleep on
somebody's couch and break even.
So go and pop over to that Google Doc.
There'll be a link to that in the show notes. It's also on our Twitter bio
and on our website. So go
fucking fill that bad boy out. Let us know the
closest major market you're willing to come see a show in.
How many friends are you going to bring in? Whether or not we can sleep
on your couch. And we'll start planning that next big
tour. Leave us a comment
or a review on itunes
yeah man we're a scant 79 reviews away from digging up keith's mother and
skull fucking stories about his childhood out of her i can't imagine what there is left to divulge
but i'm sure she's got some good ones but yeah my mom is down to come on when we get to 300 or
four how many are we doing 400 400 that 400. That many. Do that one.
So this guy writes, triggers are mean.
Five stars. If you want to like Connor,
don't start your listening adventure with episode
139.
I should say, PSA,
me and Jessica are cool. I know you guys
thought that was awkward. We were just fucking around.
We were all fine. Yeah, we were talking to Jess about it
in New York, me and Tom. We thought it was funny how
concerned you guys were. Yeah. No, they're cool. But now me and Jessica hate each other. York, me and Tom. We thought it was funny how concerned you guys were.
They're cool.
But now me and Jessica hate each other.
Tom and Jessica aren't speaking.
Also, fucking get at us on Patreon, guys.
We still live in fear and poverty.
Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content.
We just recorded a hot episode full of Dennis Rodman gossip.
Stories about buying a fridge.
Mostly stuff about appliances and jerky.
It's like the one time we had stories to tell.
I got a dust buster.
Very begrudgingly tell them.
But yeah, you always save the good stuff.
You know, you want to burn through the mediocre shit.
And then, you know, people like,
the losers are out and only the champs.
Yeah, come into next week's Patreon where I buy a sandwich.
Yeah, $10 on the Patreon.
Get your freebies and merch every month.
We just did the Calvin and Hobbes Mean Boys window decals.
We got Van Damme Academy bumper stickers coming.
Yeah, so get those.
And I got a printer, so I'll be able to send those out a lot quicker.
Neat.
Yeah, so we can fucking just print it out.
We'll print out straight up address.
We're going to get a full-fledged operation in this motherfucker now.
And subscribe to our YouTube page.
All the episodes are up there now.
Fucking follow us on Twitter and Instagram.
And go enjoy the new Mean Boys subreddit, one of the top rising alt-right communities
on the internet.
And gossip with your fellow listeners about what do you think Tom's really like
or whatever the fuck you guys are discussing.
Okay, Keith is fat, but how fat?
Yeah, guess Keith's weight.
Mega threat.
So we don't have to see ten threats about it every day.
Mega threat is what my shirts have to be made out of.
Yeah, you know that shit that spiders make that's the strongest fucking text?
Not good enough.
Yeah, I need fucking synthetics. I need chain mail with a Ramones logo on it. That shit that spiders make that's the strongest fucking text. Not good enough. No, no, no.
Yeah, I need fucking synthetics.
I need chain mail with a Ramones logo on it.
Yeah, so go dig on that.
And other than that, just sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's live episode from Skankfest in New York City. Hey everybody, welcome...
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Welcome to Mean Boys Live from Skankfest.
Fuck yeah, I'm Tom Goss.
I'm Keith Carey, and this is exactly what we thought would happen.
They're like, hell yeah, fly across the country, we'll put you up when everyone is hung over in a sleep.
Connor McSpadden is not here.
He died of AIDS.
I'm very sorry.
We saw it coming.
Just one quiet finally.
The prophecy has been fulfilled.
No, Connor was writing for the Bruce Willis roast and just didn't come.
That's straight up what happened.
Man, what a fucking night.
Who was here last night? Were you guys all here
last night? Okay, so everyone in this room has pretty
much seen my dick.
My favorite was
Tom judged the naked rose.
And Tom didn't know he was going to be doing it
until about 45 minutes before.
Because he walked into a circle of people
and Kim Kong did loudly just yelling,
Tom will do it. Tom will do anything.
And he just goes, I'll do what?
And Lewis is just like, hey, doggy,
the acid hasn't kicked in.
Do you want to judge this battle?
And I sort of got Tom's exact reaction.
He just goes, ah, yes, question mark.
And then just stumbled into a corner
and looked for loose cigarettes.
Yeah, oh, dude.
I'm not good with
my clothes on. I don't
know how to just...
I've never... That was the most...
That was collectively the eighth person to see my
dick. That was...
It was a lot. Well, when you were just like,
they're all gonna laugh at my dick, and I'm just like,
there's no way you have the worst dick at
Skankfest.
Half these dudes, I'm'm like they maybe have an
alleged dick yeah they just have
a clit that hates women
that's the dick
quotient god I really love skank fest because
it is just the Deadpool t-shirt capital
of North America
literally we walked up to the creek in the cave and we were
like I'm not sure where it is and then we just saw a plume
of vape smoke coming up
and just three men awkwardly avoiding
eye contact, like a Bermuda Triangle of
autism. And I was like, oh yeah, this is
the place. Yeah, I love what this is.
I'm upset at how much of it is just
totally me. I really
like, I've not met one girl
who does not have visible tattoos at this
festival and I am all about it.
It is, uh. Like, Tom definitely found
his home here, but not in like a cool
comforting way in like a Jack Torrance
from The Shining.
The gatekeeper.
Yeah, all jokes and no play makes
Tommy a sad boy or whatever the fuck
the quote is.
Oh man, this is going to be fun. Who here has never
listened to Mean Boys before? Because there's some people who we didn't
talk to.
You're like,
I don't care about you.
No, I appreciate that.
I clap like Gandalf.
I'm here for your show.
It's nice knowing
that you guys listen to the show
because Colin Connor,
a faggot,
is going to go a lot further today.
Yeah, it's going to go, yeah.
Yeah.
So we don't have Connor,
but we thought the funniest person
we could possibly bring in
to replace him
for the first segment
would be his ex-girlfriend.
You heard her on one of the most recent
and most uncomfortable episodes
we have ever done.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jessica
Michelle Singleton.
Hi.
Is there another mic? Okay, cool.
Hi. Thank you. Real quick, can you
read the text that you got sent from
Connor right before we started? Oh, right before we went on? Yeah.
He said,
remember the first rule of being Connor on Mean Boys.
Call Keith Fatt.
And I will.
So you have been well trained.
Well, you know.
And we're going to start today's show as we always start with the Mexican joke off.
And this is a live show,
and I don't care if it's the middle of the afternoon for four people.
We still brought a goddamn domination.
We sure as fuck did
I deeply regret this
someone catch my hat
we don't have to
I forgot there was a ceiling
so close to our heads
you really overestimated the hand-eye coordination
of a festival sponsored by the concept of weed.
I really wanted them to fight over it.
They just leave with my shirts?
They were fighting not to be holding it.
I'm taking my shirt off.
Should I take my shirt off?
I can see that you've taken your shirt off.
Okay, I didn't know if you could tell by the weird smell happening up here.
Yeah, should I take mine off?
Sure, go nuts. Facially, you look like you saw a sick puppy, Jessica. I didn't know if you could tell by the weird smell happening up here. Yeah, should I take mine off? Sure, go nuts.
All right.
Facially, you look like you saw a sick puppy, Jessica.
I don't know.
I just wanted to be known.
We told Jessica five times she didn't have to take her shirt off.
Oh, I hate that there's a mirror here.
This is...
I'm going to get this shit beat out of me
but that's not my shirt and I'm afraid it'll tear
so here we go
the official mascot of skank fest
a woman having a terrible time
with no shirt on
I'm naked and I'm upset
so the way this works
we read topical jokes that we all wrote last night
I wrote these 30 minutes ago still drunk.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
If they're good, please laugh, because if you don't laugh, we get hit.
Tom, you want to start it off?
You want me to start it off?
I absolutely do.
All right, let's see how this goes.
Yeah, joke.
No, I'm not going to amp you guys up.
All right.
A woman murdered her dad after finding his child porn collection with photos of her in it.
In that moment, her mouth was left agape at how agape she was left in that photo.
I think you're saying...
Okay.
Look, it's not going to get much louder than that.
Yeah, no, I know.
All right, I realize this is Skankfest, so I'm opening and closing races.
Okay.
That's what we're doing.
The founder of Papa John's is resigned
after being caught using the N-word on a company call.
He says he plans to open a new chain
of Italian restaurants, Spuca di Beppo.
I wish that had gone better.
Oh, no.
Do it.
It's not in the safe.
Sorry, they didn't give us the big room.
We'll do one more room I'm so afraid Do one less
What? It's fine
I'm not an Instagram whore
You're an in the streets whore
I'm a whore live on stage
We're not paying you
Wait what
Okay here we go
A woman who disappeared while driving down the California coastline
Was found alive a week later
In the wreckage of her SUV
200 feet down the side of a cliff
This marks the second time
I have failed at suicide
But here I am at the Mean Boys podcast again
So at least my career suicide seems to be panning out.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, no.
They only get worse.
A man who looks like he could be your son
was as supportive as your dad.
No, you did good.
We're going to hang it on the refrigerator.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Do I have to get hit?
Yeah, yeah, you do.
All right.
Wait, should I Instagram this?
I don't see why you wouldn't.
Okay.
Ow!
Oh, it felt kind of good.
One more time.
That one just sounded like you punched her in the kidney.
That's fine.
I don't need it.
Matt, Tom, you're up.
All right. To what time you up. Alright.
We'll find out.
Paul Ryan claims Woodchucks
ate his car.
In other news, Woodchucks is a new racial slur
for Canadians.
Let's upgrade.
Oh, shit.
Make me bleed.
Oh, no.
You're dipping in the dick. Oh, shit. Make me bleed. Oh, no. Ow.
In the dick.
Ouch.
Oh, man.
I didn't even bomb yet.
Oh, best joke ever.
Best joke. Oh, best joke ever. Best joke.
Oh, fuck.
That really hurt.
That was an upgrade.
Elon Musk attempted to rescue 12 children trapped underground with a submarine, said Chief Engineer Tom Goss.
Yeah, that makes sense because dirt is just dry water.
Can I get a mulligan's whip and a dick tip?
Okay, be gentle, please.
All right.
Oh, my fat.
Oh, no.
What am I going to do?
The worst part is I'm sweaty, so I'm just kind of wet on top of all this.
Yeah, it's very slappy over the pain.
You guys, my jokes are so bad. I'm sweaty, so I'm just kind of wet on top of the overcoat. Yeah, it's very slappy over the pain.
You guys, my jokes are so bad.
Okay.
Do you have a Woodchuck reference?
That worked for me.
Basically.
More than 500 people have fallen ill after visiting a Tennessee zipline.
For those of you who don't know, a Tennessee zipline is a glory hole where you get a blowjob from Keith while he's simultaneously butt-chugging Jack Daniels.
Son of a bitch, you're safe.
I did it.
And that sounds like a great time.
We'll be doing that at 2 o'clock. Yeah, that's what's happening at the Irish Goodbye Beer Pong tournament.
Okay.
A pro soccer goalie accidentally let his dick slip out.
Commentators made it clear it isn't gay until a man falls and rolls
over it while clutching his knee.
Okay.
That's a good soccer reference.
I don't like how you're
always supportive when it bobs.
Like, if you like it,
it's a bad thing.
Alright, fucking hit me
hard enough to forget about my ex.
It's not going to work.
Oh, no.
Ouch.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I've never been afraid doing this show until right now.
It hurt like a motherfucker.
Felt great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Shit.
Stormy Daniels was arrested
for sexual misconduct.
Supporters of the president's alleged mistress took to the
street, protesting with chants of
Ho! Justice! Side peace!
Alright.
You cannot hit me as hard as you just hit Tom.
Safe word?
No.
Ow!
Don't fucking on top
suck my dick
dude
fucking
Statler and
Waldorf
of a fat guy
getting hit
in the front row
we're all
Statler and
Waldorf
of a fat guy
getting hit
oh
I fuck everything
okay
Muslim swimmers
were asked
to stay out
of a public
pool in Delaware
in defense of the pool owners.
I would suggest that absolutely everyone stay the fuck out of Delaware.
I'm furious that you're doing well.
Oh, thank God.
I have like liquor shits coming down the pipeline.
I don't know if I can take another hit.
I've had diarrhea since I got into this state.
My asshole feels like
it's being punished
for crimes against humanity.
Well rightfully so.
Yeah.
All right.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
A Texas woman
tried to sell
her two-year-old daughter
for sex.
In other news,
a Texas gangsta
didn't make it to the festival
because they blew
their budget on playthings.
Oh, shit. Texas Gangs fan didn't make it to the festival because they blew their budget on play things.
Oh, shit.
Somebody just goes, that was dark.
Oh, you want some light bullshit, you fucking... Tom, the stripe.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my god. Oh my god.
Hey, it's nice that all the
marks from being hit almost even out
where you're missing patches of hair.
We had her on our big
show at the creek last month. It was like
sold out and she was very gentle
and kind and now when there's six people
she's like, I left fucking Manhattan for this.
I love it.
You fucking bleed.
A new poll shows
that the majority of Americans
believe Barack Obama
was the best president
of the modern era,
making this the first time
it's okay to refer to Obama
as one of the good ones.
Thank Christ.
Oh, well,
now I'm going to bomb.
A woman in London called the police on what she thought was a burglar,
only to discover it was a rogue squirrel.
So there goes my place in London.
Okay.
I was a squirrel.
I was obscure.
I was going to make a squatting reference.
Anyway.
Keep explaining.
I'm about to make a squatting reference. Anyway, I'm about to make a squatting.
Like nuts?
Which one hurts less?
The rope one.
Rope me.
I'm on immunosuppressants. I won't recover
if I get caught.
Oh! Oh, wow.
Wait, I think I needed that.
You cured my arthritis.
I start doing back flips.
Thanks, sex lady, for fixing my haunted skeleton.
Yeah, wow.
I forget that I'm in pain all the time,
so this is just kind of like a thing.
What if you're just nicer now?
All right.
A Down syndrome man is making a fortune
with his sock business.
When asked for a quote, he said,
no, they're mittens.
Tom, I didn't know you had a side hustle.
Sarah Palin was duped into an interview
by Sacha Baron Cohen.
In a press conference, she said,
I promise to be less naive in the future.
Now, if you'll excuse me, a young man from
Kazakhstan has offered me an honorary induction
into the Pen15 club.
Not enough of you remember
junior high. I don't know what
Pen15 is. Is that a
train station?
Keith will show you what Pen15
is.
We'll get the other cheek too.
I don't know.
How did you get the hole?
There's so much fat protecting it.
Hello, sir. Welcome to Maine, boys.
It's such a big hole.
A disappointed stepfather just walked
into the room.
You told us you were a baseball
practice.
I've never seen a grown man blush before.
This is fantastic.
I looked at his face when he walked in and he just went,
Ah, yes, faggot shit.
Dad?
All right, bring it on.
All right, here we go.
The boys of a Thai football team who were rescued from a cave
are set to be released from the hospital within a week.
Still no word on the recovery time
of Conor McSpadden's asshole
after they removed all those Thai football boys.
Oh, I like that.
You didn't laugh on purpose
because you like seeing me hurt.
You're getting it one more time.
Okay, be nice.
Don't be nice.
Okay.
Okay.
I kind of like this and I'm really worried about it.
Oh, man.
We opened a dark door to yourself.
You know what I realized is I wasn't getting hit hard enough the other times.
What do you mean?
It's kind of like a quick massage.
Tom, you look like you wore a really heavy purse.
Like you just have.
There isn't like a red indentation.
Yeah, like you're someone's Aunt Debra
who just went on vacation.
I can't see my own back.
It's there?
Yeah, your back is there.
Okay, cool.
You look like you got branded
into some Mad Max snack gang.
We should have done branding.
No, we fucking shouldn't have.
Yeah, let's get a brand.
If we knew how to do branding,
there would be more than seven people
in this fucking room.
You guys, that's the Mexican joke.
One more time for Jess and Michelle Singleton.
Thank you, Michelle Singleton, everybody.
Thank you very much for hitting us.
One more time for Maddie Smith, everybody.
Get your mic up.
Oh, there's my shirt.
Yeah, Tom, somebody lost his shirt.
Goodbye, drunk watermelon man.
We just walked the entire room.
I'm so embarrassed. I thought you were laughing. No, you were. Tom! drunk watermelon man. We just walked the entire room.
I thought you were laughing.
No, you were... God fucking damn it.
We have more fun stuff.
Yeah, we'll let you
throw shit at Tom.
What's wrong with everything?
They're supposed to be switched.
Oh, cool.
Anyway, one more time
for Maddie Smith.
Maddie Smith.
Maddie, first of all,
was very funny.
Second of all,
kind of looks like
the bratty kid sister
on any like
Nickelodeon show
from the 90s.
Like you should be
Raz and Clarissa
while she's trying
to explain shit.
Or like Kimmy Gibbler
or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Pick your poison.
That's the point.
It's a very specific aesthetic.
You got drummed out
of the Burger King
Kids Club.
That's kind of the look here.
I'm very lonely.
Yeah, it was nice.
First of all, I cannot believe Female or She shemale was not already a game on this show.
Oh, yeah, you should do it.
Oh, absolutely.
It can't be more offensive than when we did Mean Boys Fan or Sex Offender.
It's a real thing we did.
I'm also bisexual, and I hooked up with a transgender dude when I was in Chicago, and
he was a fat dude.
Yeah.
And then we were hooking up, and I realized it was weird seeing just my body, but with a transgender dude when I was in Chicago and he was like a fat dude and then we like
were hooking up
and I realized
it was weird seeing
just my body
but with a vagina
I was just like
what fucking
black mirror episode
is this
because I look way better
with a pussy
than I do with my weird dick
yeah I can see that
yeah that's
that's hurtful
how on board you were
with that immediately
I'm like no I get it
yeah you'd be great
as a chick
it's probably terrible you'd have the tits for it I'm so hurtful how on board you were with that immediately. I'm like, no, I get it. Yeah, you'd be great as a chick. Yeah, it's probably terrible.
You'd have the tits for it.
I'm straight.
Are you?
Yeah, we know, dude.
You're wearing a camel hat.
Yeah.
Like, what the fuck else do you want?
No, men saw you naked last night, so you're gay now.
That's the rules.
Oh, yeah, that's the rules.
Yeah, that's the rules of this gang fest.
So we are going to play one of our favorite games for Mean Boys.
This is called Price Check.
Now, the way this game works is I have found the prices of two random things.
We have to decide which one is more expensive.
Some of them make sense why they might be together.
So let's have some fun. First one, I'll start it off
easy. Which costs more?
A guided tour of Auschwitz
or a guided tour of Ground Zero?
Okay. Wow.
Whoa.
And I want you to know there are a shocking amount of
pricing options for Ground Zero.
There are like VIP tours.
So we're talking regular tour?
Yeah, we're talking like a basic guided tour.
They're like, well, there's where it used to be.
It's not Ground Zero Premium.
Yeah, there's the new one.
There's a bunch of people.
Now, is Auschwitz – this is such a dumb question.
I cannot wait to see where this is going.
Is Auschwitz –
From the straight guy. Let's hear it. Auschwitz is that is such a dumb question. I cannot wait to see where this is going. Is Auschwitz... From the street guy.
Let's hear it.
Auschwitz is that restaurant where they sell chili dogs.
Is Auschwitz just a concentration camp or is it like a city?
I think they have a gift shop.
Oh, yeah.
There's a gift shop.
They have wheelchair accessible bathrooms.
Is it a city like the Vatican?
I don't...
Yeah.
I wasn't sure.
It was just like, all right, we put up some gates and we're like, this is the Schwitz. Or if they were like, all right, let's just turn this town into an oven. I don't, yeah, I wasn't sure if it was just like, all right, we put up some gates and we're like, this is the Schwitz.
Or if they were like, all right, let's just turn this town into an oven.
I don't know.
Oh, so there's an Auschwitz and there's like, hey guys, I'm a sophomore at Auschwitz high
school.
I'm on the soccer team.
Go Auschwitz Tiger.
Or is it like just a memorial?
I think it's just a memorial, right?
Because why would you have a town named Auschwitz?
That sounds like wrong. Yeah, you changed that. I think there's a a memorial, right? Because why would you have a town named Auschwitz? That sounds like a lot.
Yeah, you change that.
I think there's a bunch of people whose names were Hitler and aren't anymore.
Right, right.
No, it's just a camp.
It's like a full camp.
You can't imagine America having the town of 9-11 somewhere?
I feel like that's some shit.
It probably exists by accident.
You're like, oh my God, there's a Paris, New York.
That's crazy.
You're describing a model that Rudy Giuliani built in his backyard.
Welcome to 9-11-ville
where I'm the Pope.
And he got a zip code for it.
He ordered a new zip code
from the post office.
Every building
is the World Trade Center.
He just doesn't get
the nomination for president
and just kicks it over.
Yeah, every time.
9-12.
All right, so what do we think?
Which one's more expensive?
Sorry, go ahead.
I was thinking, because office is more...
Now I have to blur out the word.
Where they kill the Jews.
Good times, right? I'm so wet right now.
Thinking about that happening,
such a memorable time. I think Auschwitz is
more of a big thing, right?
That's kind of what I'm leaning to, because
if it's not a town, that means you've got to
take a train to get there or something.
You don't have to take a train to get there.
You know.
When you get there, there's a pizza oven.
I mean, the train is cheap, though, because you only got to pay for a one-way ticket.
I don't think there's anyone accidentally.
I don't think anyone's like accidentally like, ooh, Auschwitz.
Like, I think you got to like make a point.
It's a journey to get there.
Yeah.
So I feel like they're going to charge more for that reason.
Right.
But you also have the New York prices, which you have to take into account.
Right, right. So like, but I'm going to say Auschwitz. Yeah. All right. More for that reason. But you also have the New York prices, which you have to take into account.
But I'm going to say Auschwitz.
A guided tour of Ground Zero is $69,
which, first of all, nice.
A guided tour of Auschwitz is $13.50.
What?
Yo, Ground Zero is going to hold itself. That's socialist, man.
That's what socialism is.
Wow.
This is how the Nazis come back.
They should be charging more.
That's crazy.
$69?
I know.
To see nothing.
And you know at the meeting where they priced it,
somebody was like, we should just make it $70.
Yeah.
Why would we make it $69?
And the CEO's like, I make the final decisions here.
Yeah, some towers going up.
Alright, next one.
Which costs more? 24 hours
of government housing for an unintended
immigrant child or one night
at the Trump International Hotel in New York City?
Okay, so this is a big one
because like I said, New York prices
and the price of a child.
Yeah, but they're not, I mean, they're not like giving them showers and shit.
Like, they're not spending...
I think they're bathing.
Yeah, they're giving them showers and shit.
Wasn't that a thing where like they'll have lice and are like moldy or something afterwards?
No, that's just Mexicans.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, Tom, you're just racist.
Yeah, they're all super spoiled.
No, I thought I read an article
that was like,
ah, we gotta
wash these kids.
They mow my lawn.
You know, the usual.
It's adorable
that you think Tom has a lawn.
Oh my God, I know.
I live in a kitchen.
Trying to be nice.
I mow the kitchen sometimes.
It's whatever you think it is.
So that's legitimate?
Like they found out the cost?
Yeah, they broke it down
like how much per person
like per day.
Okay.
I, because this is like
a shock thing,
I'm going to go with
the kid thing
because that's like a thing.
Oh, I think the Trump Hotel
is more expensive.
Oh, I'm nervous now.
Let's find out.
Housing a kid in that
fucking burned out Walmart,
$139.40.
Hotel, Trump Hotel,
$617.
Oh. Pretty steep price. That one should have been $69
Alright
Tom mentioned that lady
Who was selling her kid for sex
Like trying to sell a two year old
What costs more?
The price she wanted for that kid
Or a used 1988 Ford Taurus
So if we're talking about the Taurus, that's a little different.
Is this the car she drove the kid to meet the guy with?
I didn't think that.
It's just the shittiest car I could think of because it used to be a car my family had.
Yeah, no, I used to have one.
I have sat in the back seat of a 1988 Ford Taurus while my mom bought heroin.
Wow.
Yeah, I've done one of those things.
You bought heroin from my mom?
Yeah.
I was in a Ford Explorer, so it's different.
Wait, what was the first one?
This lady was trying to sell a two-year-old into sex slavery.
How much did she charge for the sex?
Correct.
I think if you're down to selling your kid, you're not going to be great at getting the best price for it.
You're not checking the Blue Book value on Tammy.
Yeah, but that means she's either too under what it should be or way too over.
Right.
So it could be the acceptable price.
Well, I've only done it a couple times
So it's sort of like, let me think back to what I did
Well, it was $13 to visit Auschwitz
So I gotta assume it's somewhere around the same
Right
I'm gonna say
I'm gonna do the twist one again
I'm gonna do the kid
I'm gonna say the kid
Okay
Yeah
I think she undersold the kid
I'm going to say the kid. Okay. Yeah. I think she undersold the kid. I'm going to...
Undersold makes it sound like I'm saying it should be sold.
No, but they do have value.
There's a market.
Yeah, I mean, someone wanted to buy it.
It wasn't me.
Stop looking at me that way.
So I'm going to say the car went for more money.
Tom, you look like somebody who'd just be like, I'll buy it, baby.
Yes. Am I going to fuck it? No, but I'm who'd just be like, I'll buy a baby. Yes.
Am I going to fuck it?
No, but I'm going to do something with it.
I might eat it.
Yes.
I might eat it.
Shushka baby.
A used 88 tour is $6,384.
A baby, $1,200.
Oh, man.
She underpriced that, definitely.
It seems like a bad sell.
I'd pay $4,000 for him.
This is maybe the roughest one I've ever come up with.
Which costs more, a pair of Doc Martens high-top boots or the cost of pressure washing a curb?
Oh, like the curb stomp.
Yeah.
Look, I also wrote for the Bruce Willis roast
and I watched American History X this week.
So, Edward Norton's on it.
I had to remember some shit.
You look really bummed out.
No, I don't get it.
Am I retarded?
No, so Nazis like to step on faces near pavement, and that was their way of being like, no head.
And that was...
I like that Tom is demonstrating with his...
You don't get a face. And that was their little dance. You look like head. And that was... I like that Tom is demonstrating with his... You don't get a face.
And that was their little dance.
You look like Larry the Cable Guy at a hoedown.
I know, dude.
You fucking...
I'm jiggling like Jell-O, man.
You're like, my cousin looks good today.
I really do.
Yeah, I just needed the hat to turn into white trash.
That was it
become a human
jug band
just the yeah
I'm gonna get more
tattoos leave me alone
oh yeah
we need to talk
about this
because I don't
think we've talked
about this publicly
I think we have
but we can bring
it up again
Tom got a tattoo
of his own quote
on his arm
and then
and then
what the hell
is this
and then
I was doing I was headlining a show in Central California and I'm friends with the booker.
I was like, how cool is this?
And he's like, oh yeah, I have the koozie.
I go, oh fuck, I forgot I put that quote on a beer koozie that is on my merch.
So people know the fucking, oh, the beer thing.
I just want you to add a little line and Tom Goss and quote yourself.
I'm going to get my baby photo on my neck next.
So what do we think, gang?
The Doc Martens or the curb washing?
What costs more?
We're hearing curb from the audience.
Feel free to jump in and play along.
Yeah, I'm going Doc Martens.
All right, we're going Doc Martens.
I don't know the prices of shoes.
I know.
The prices of shoes are free because you find them.
Yeah, I've received seven pairs of shoes
in the last month and they were all given to me.
Okay. So going by that
I think Doc Martens are free and I'm going to
say the pressure curb.
And I can see from Keith's face
I'm right.
You're just a goon.
A pair of Doc Martens boots, $140.
The cost of pressure washing a curb, $198.
Oh, man.
I suck at this.
All right, we'll do two more quick ones.
This is the Caitlyn Jenner round.
Which costs more?
Gender reassignment surgery or the fine for vehicular manslaughter.
Man, that's the best joke of three years ago.
And I'll give you a little hint.
It doesn't spoil it. But one is way less than I thought it'd be and one is way more
I think the gender reassignment is pretty expensive
right?
I believe
just based on driving in LA I don't think it
costs that much to kill someone in your car
especially if you weren't that drunk
you know what I mean?
I don't know.
It's not that big of a deal.
Let me go.
By the way,
I gotta add a dick
to my body.
You know what I mean?
So I can't pay for this.
I'm gonna say the gender.
I agree.
We're both saying...
What's up?
I love that we run a show
where somebody
just goes,
manslaughter!
And they're helping.
They're like,
oh, thanks, dude.
We'll take that down.
Gender reassignment surgery, $15,000. The fine for vehicular manslaughter, $ they're helping. Oh, thanks, dude. We'll take that down. Gender reassignment surgery,
$15,000. The fine for vehicular
manslaughter, $10,000.
Oh, wow.
Isn't that the same as a DUI?
Isn't that the ads
that cost $10,000
after everything for a DUI?
I think any amount of money over
$3.82 you assume
is $10,000.
That's fair.
All right.
And last one.
Currently in 2018, who has a higher net worth, Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein?
Oh, Harvey's pretty big.
And this is post-legal troubles, mind you.
This is like as of yesterday.
You know what was weird is last night we were skimming through the TV.
They're still playing the Cosby show.
He's still getting royalties out of it.
And so is Weinstein, though.
They're still watching his movies.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well...
Yeah, there's one network...
This is post-legal shit.
This is this year, their net worth.
Okay.
I know, this is tricky.
Cosby only got one charge that went through as guilty.
Yeah.
There was only one that was finalized as guilty.
But Weinstein had a bunch, and he's going to jail.
Yeah, well, Cosby's going to jail, too.
I don't know if you heard.
I'm like in this fantasy world where he doesn't.
You know what I mean?
He's just like such a family guy.
He's come out as somehow the only Cosby truther at Skankfest.
He's like the kindly tween girl.
He's here.
No one came to the meeting.
That's so weird that more people would be like,
Hi, what were they wearing?
And then he just runs away.
It was normal back then to do pills and stuff.
I'm going to say Cosby.
Okay. I think Weinstein's worth more Well he produced all that shit
Cosby was just like
I'm here and things
And they gave him checks
I like that your impression of Bill Cosby
Is a bad Bill Cosby but a great Chef Boyardee
It's a me
A Bill Cosby
That's a rapey meatball.
Harvey Weinstein is worth $50 million.
Bill Cosby is worth $400 million.
What?
That sucks. Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah, stay it on top.
Wow.
That's insane.
That is it for Price Check.
One more time for Maddie Smith, everybody.
Maddie Smith, everybody.
Thank you so much.
You were fucking awesome. One more time for Maddie Smith, everybody. Maddie Smith, everybody. Thank you so much. You were fucking awesome.
One more time for Damien Holmes, everybody.
Hey, thanks, guys.
Or as I now call him, Better Connor.
Did I tell you I hung out at the Creek in the Cave last time you guys were here?
And I would say about ten Mean Boys fans came up to me like I was Connor.
You could see like the, I just want to say you mean a lot to me. I'm like, You could see like the I just want to say you
mean a lot to me.
I'm like that.
Actually he's right
over there.
There's like tall kind
of handsome.
Sure.
I like the impression
of our fan is that
they're just hunched
over.
Well it was accurate.
Cronenbergian new
metal.
They're very pleasant
people if you're
listening.
They're not. people if you're listening. They're not, and you know that.
Everyone skips the live ones.
So our next segment
today is a little game we call Letters from God.
And here's how this works.
I go online, and I actually find
these are all real. These are letters
that children have written to God
and mailed in various ways.
And we like to answer those as God.
So we went ahead and intercepted those letters
and answered them.
So we've all got a couple of those ready.
I'll kick this one off.
So it says,
Dear God,
I say my prayers every night,
but not in the morning
because I ain't scared during the daytime.
Signed, Corey.
Dear Corey,
Oh, so you a bad motherfucker, huh?
Here's a fun statistic.
Most child abductions occur during the mid-afternoon.
Sleep tight, tough guy.
Signed, the God that lets it happen.
So that's the idea.
Tom, you want to go next?
Yeah, I'll go next.
Okay.
Dear God,
It rained for a whole vacation,
and is my father mad? He said some
things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but
I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend,
but I am not going to tell you
who I am.
Abigail!
Abigail!
Go fuck yourself!
Like I don't know who you are,
and like I don't know what your dad said.
Your whole existence was created
when I forgot to wrap my dick
and blew you out of my cosmic nut.
Your father will lose his job and his insurance
and then you will get aged with the gay
bathhouse he frequently goes to.
But don't worry,
while he's getting butt-fucked by Phil,
it won't be raining.
Yours truly, Mr.
God.
God.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
I love that Tom's God voice sounds like the announcer from SNL
Kenan Thompson
you son of a bitch
I also had the anonymous joke
alright
dear God
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday
that was cool Eugene I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool, Eugene.
Oh, man.
Dear Eugene,
thank you for your kind words about Tuesday's sunset.
The sun has set countless times,
and each one is a reminder we are all closer to death.
I hope you one day see the orange and purple curtain close on your worlds.
With love, God.
And the orange and purple went together
until I saw the commercial
with Trump and the Grimace.
Dear God, are you a ninja?
Is that why I can't see you?
Jacob.
Dear Jacob, I'm not, but my son is.
People have been fighting over this forever.
Like, of course he was. The Middle East is pretty much Northern Africa, so I don't know. Oh, I misread, but my son is. People have been fighting over this forever. Like, of course he was.
The Middle East is pretty much Northern Africa, so I don't know.
Oh, I misread that. You said ninja.
Okay.
Yeah, I thought it said something else.
Sincerely, G-Funk.
All right.
Dear God,
when my mom makes leftovers,
do I have to pray for the food again?
Anonymous.
Margaret!
Stop talking about food, you fat pig!
I hear all your thoughts,
and nothing makes you wetter than chicken,
shrimps, and jolly ranchers!
That time your dad ate food off your plate,
you reacted like he had cucked your brisket.
Why don't you send me one prayer
about diet pills or an eating disorder?
But sure, whenever you think you need to send prayers
to ease over your jalapeno popper guilt,
go ahead and fill up my Spanbox.
Yours truly, God.
Son of a bitch.
I hate that I have to follow this every time.
You're
gonna do great.
Thanks, God.
Dear God, can you send me a smartphone?
I guess Santa forgot. Lillian.
Lillian,
I'm Santa forgot. Lillian. Lillian, I'm Santa, bitch.
Santa remembers what you did,
and he hopes your phone runs on coal
because he's coming for you.
The real Santa.
All right.
Dear God, is Pastor Dan a friend of yours,
or do you just know him from business?
Kenny.
Dear Kenny, me and Pastor Dan a friend of yours, or do you just know him from business? Kenny.
Dear Kenny, me and Pastor Dan met in Vietnam.
We were stationed together in Da Nang.
Pastor Dan got the order from Top Brass, wipe out a nest of Charlie in the woods.
He's the one who heard the girl, and I'm the one who cut her throat.
Anyway, we still get lunch a few times a year at Buffalo Wild Wings.
He's a big Bengals fan, and they have a great happy hour.
Thanks for the letter, Dennis Godman.
Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother,
Larry.
Larry!
By the time you hear this,
your brother will have already raped you.
Yours truly, God.
What the fuck?
Also, I love...
I really hope Cain and Abel stop killing each other so much.
So much.
Oh, man.
Well, we've reached peak mean boys.
Just Tom doing a funny voice like,
a child got raped!
I thought that was so funny.
I don't know.
We're wrong.
All right.
Dear God,
please make my parents understand
That if I don't eat salad, I do better at school
And it's signed anonymous
It was me
Dear Keith
You know
I'll get your parents to lay off the salad
If you start jerking off somewhere I can't see
Like Syria or under Tom or Keith's belly.
That's it for Letters for God, everybody.
One more time for Damien Holmes.
Thank you so much.
One more time
for Chris Crespo, everybody.
Fucking great work, man.
So we have one more game we're going to play today.
This game is called Did They Die?
And the name of the game is the rules of the game.
I'm going to read you a weird-ass headline.
We have to decide if the person in question is alive or dead.
So we'll start right here with maybe my favorite headline I've ever read.
Guys, death. Get amped for death, all right?
Let's do this.
Come on.
We're at Skank Fest.
We got one girl in the room, and then the rest of us are sharing evidence in an evidence locker.
Let's fucking get amped.
You're just feeling everyone go, we get it.
You're edgy.
I don't know.
Lewis is saying the N-word somewhere.
We really got to get out of here. Number one, a blind, mentally handicapped man
dressed as a minion was brutally attacked in Florida.
Is that man alive or dead?
Chris Craspo, your thoughts.
Well, I'm here, so...
You do both look kind of mentally handicapped
and very from Florida.
This is what happens if you drink Florida water.
Yeah.
But I'm also Cuban, so Florida's like my Israel.
You guys all just go there
and pray towards the fattest butt?
Wait, you're Cuban?
Yeah.
That is shocking.
Yeah, people have a hard time believing that
that I'm a person.
They just seem like a robust people, you know what I mean?
They seem very friendly enough.
Yeah, I'm not like, boo, get out.
We wouldn't have booked you.
Yeah.
Tom, your thoughts on this?
Yeah, no,
we would have booked you if you were Cuban.
It's my third favorite sandwich.
Yeah, I think the mentally unwell man is alive, but will be dying soon.
Of other stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Self-inflicted.
Soon, my pet, soon.
Translation, Tom has to go finish the job.
Thanks a lot, Tom.
Yeah, I lost my minion outfit.
All right, so you're saying alive?
I'm saying alive.
I'm going to go alive.
That man is alive.
Yeah.
Sidebar, there's no screen here, but I wanted to show it.
Go online.
You can find the surveillance footage of this happening.
It's the funniest.
He's alive.
Calm the fuck down.
He's like fine.
He was just like, they punched me while I was...
He was literally wearing a full body helmet.
Yeah, he wasn't...
I saw the video.
He wasn't wearing like a...
Well, you were there.
What the fuck?
You saw the video.
Look, my highlight reel.
He wasn't wearing a Minion shirt.
He had the full like, let's go to Universal Studios outfit.
And he's just, like, bouncing around on the pavement as this dude's fucking...
To be fair, this is Tom's only TV credit.
Well, I literally clicked the headline.
It was, like, violent crime.
And by the end of the video, I'm like, give that man the $10,000.
Number two, a toddler got in a fight with a pit bull.
Wait, like the toddler picked a fight with a pit bull?
That's correct, yes.
What?
Oh.
I mean, I don't know how the fuck it would be alive.
I don't know.
Nobody puts baby in the corner unless it's my pit bull.
Yeah, like, it's got better odds if it was pit bull the person.
Like, that's what pit bulls do.
They eat babies.
No, they're actually very sweet.
Yeah, except for the ones that eat babies.
No, you're thinking of dingoes.
I just like the idea that the pit bull is dead.
Like, somehow this toddler just krav maga as a dog.
I love how I only defend the damn dog. I don't even give a shit about the toddler. Yeah, exactly. Like somehow this toddler just Krav Maga's a dog to death. I love how I only defend the damn dog.
I don't even give a shit about the toddler.
Yeah, exactly.
Like this baby dead.
You're really betting that this baby is alive right now.
No, I'm betting the baby's dead.
Okay.
Dead baby.
Yeah.
Dead baby jokes.
Let's do it.
Dead baby.
Let's go dead baby.
Dead as fuck.
That baby is alive and blind.
Tell them what he's won, Keith. That baby is alive and blind. Somebody's one teeth.
I don't feel good about what I've done here.
Welcome to the ADA.
Oh, man, do you guys just meet at the meetings now?
Yeah.
I feel bad because I think I laughed harder than anyone else here when you told me he was blind.
Well, it's not God yelling about child rape.
I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.
I try to keep it light.
We're light now.
We're good.
We got this. Lighten it up.
Number three.
A Japanese man pranked his co-worker by shoving an air compressor up his butthole.
That's very Japanese.
They brought shame and dishonor to his butt.
You get it.
They're Asian.
And the next one.
Oh, is he dead?
Wait, did he push the air compressor?
He did, yeah.
He put the air compressor in and pushed the button.
And then he fired it?
Here's what I think.
I think this was a game show because they'll fucking do anything.
This is like their Jeopardy, you know?
Dead.
The guy who did it to him is Japanese Alex Trebek.
I think he's fucking dead.
Welcome back to Backwards Fart Challenge.
God damn it.
That's like my one weakness.
It's like shitty Asian impressions.
A ghost poop.
We have an episode title.
The great answer. that man is dead.
His asshole exploded.
We got one down.
Like a dynamite cigar.
I got one more.
A meth-addicted mother
breastfed her baby.
Spoiler alert, I'm here.
Yeah, I was about to say, they're throwing mean boys.
What are you talking about? You guys were less ride or die here. Yeah, I was about to say, they're throwing mean boys. What are you talking about?
You guys were less ride or die with this segment than I am.
I didn't know.
I had no idea Tom breastfed.
Breast, wing, thigh, whatever.
No, it would be the baby.
Yeah.
The baby, you don't give crystal meth to a baby and then surprise,
he wakes up the next morning.
You don't give
crystal meth to a baby
and then it goes to sleep.
Yeah.
Like in Trainspotting,
they just cry
over the crib.
No,
what happened is
the baby breastfed
the meth
and then fought the dog
and that's why
it's only blind.
That's how that...
And then the winner
got to fight the minion.
Yeah.
This is all one connected... This is the Marvel connected universe. I think it's alive.. That's how that... And then the winner got to fight the minion. This is all one connected...
This is the Marvel connected universe.
I think it's alive.
I think the baby's alive.
I think he's just had a good trip.
I sure love that you just called the baby It.
If it's shorter than this, it's It.
That baby is dead.
That baby is dead as fuck.
Yeah!
There's several dead children and a beaten minion.
That's it for Did They Die? One more time for Chris Craspo, everybody.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
Just about it for the show.
Before we get out of here, we close
every live show the same way. We play a little game
we like to call the Tom Goss Lightning Round.
And Tom has a tendency
to describe things in insane ways.
We've never listened to Mean Boys before in the back.
He once referred to overalls as shoulder pants.
He called love horny fear.
And he refers to the devil as edgy God.
So with that in mind, I put together a list of words.
He hasn't seen any of these.
He has to come up with them on the spot.
Tom, you ready?
Yeah, yeah.
You guys ready?
Let's do this.
I know none of these.
Tom Goss lightning round. Tom Goss. What guys ready? Let's do this. I know none of these, so it's going to be...
Tom Goss lightning round.
Tom Goss.
What is Brooklyn?
Brooklyn.
South Manhattan.
All right.
I don't know.
The neighbor of the Jews.
I don't...
Yeah, there we go.
That's the town of Auschwitz.
Yes, the small hat people.
A penis.
A penis.
A backwards vagina.
Slot machine. Slot machine.
Slot machine.
You lose video games.
The acoustic guitar.
Oh, a fucking backwards hat, get leg key.
Luis J. Gomez.
Oh, the...
I was going to say the say the Edward Puerto Rican.
Nope, you don't get to change it.
Love you, Louis.
What?
Rain.
Oh, uh, God piss.
South Korea.
Oh, um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, liberal Korea. Curb stompings.
Oh, um, uh, uh, Nazi dance.
Tarot cards.
Um, uh, uh, white girl magic.
Big Jay Oakerson.
Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, fuck, um, uh, uh.
Also N-word Puerto Rico. Yeah.
Uh, Minions Man.
All right, Tom Goss, 30 seconds on the clock.
Name seven movies with black people in them.
Okay, Django, Beloved, 12 Years a Slave.
12 Years Innisfree?
Fuck.
Homeward Bound.
They had a...
The Basketball Diaries.
What?
That's white people.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God, why is this so difficult?
Oh, oh, the Can't Feel Scared one.
Get out, get out.
And fucking
shit.
Man on fire.
And the one
where Denzel's like, ah, don't kill Dakota
Fanning. That's man on fire. Okay.
Well, man on fire twice.
Tom, name seven things you can wear on your head.
Okay. Hat. Jewish head. Okay, hat.
Jewish hat, spinny hat,
hair,
a beret,
another person,
paint.
I'm shocked you of all people didn't say helmet.
Alright, Tom, name seven things you want to do
before you die. Okay. Die.
Heroin.
Party.
Drink again. Quit
smoking. Sorry, heroin.
Okay, sorry. This is funny to me.
Get laid again.
Lose some weight and then gain it back.
All right, last one.
Tom, name seven things you'd see at Skankfest.
Okay.
Girls with tattoos.
Guys with no hair.
Comedy.
Lots of shoes.
People passing out.
This is going in and out.
Fucking drugs.
Lots of drugs.
Why is everyone making faces?
And one more.
Fucking the N-word Puerto Rican.
That's it for me, boys and everybody.
Do me a favor, guys guys On the count of three
We end every show
By saying
Fuck everything
God is dead
So on the count of three
Can you guys all yell it with me
Fuck yeah
One
Two
Three
Fuck everything
God is dead
Alright later everybody Outro Music