Mean Boys - EP 142 - Casual Submarines (feat. Ramsey Badawi)

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

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Hey, everybody, we just did about half the intro and I forgot to record it, so this is going to be great. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Ramsey Badawi joins us this week. You gotta fucking check out his new show, The Big Ass Ram Dog Show. That's what he decided to call it.

He's finally committed to starting another podcast after having his heart broken many times. Go send him a tweet. Go check it out and listen to it so he uh sticks with it because he definitely should yeah yeah so it was a ton of fun yeah so go check that out and come see us live we're doing live shows in portland oregon that's a live podcast august 9th at the big lagralski at 10 p.m ten dollar tickets link for that's in the motherfucking show notes and doing a stand-up show with all three of the mean boys the holy tr Trinity of Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington, the day after that. So, yeah, fucking start making your travel arrangements.

Find yourself a babysitter to fuck and then bring to the show and fucking come party with us. This took a weird turn. Also, leave us a comment on our review on iTunes. If we get to 400, I will bring my mom on this show. I'm not thrilled about it. She won't be, but it'll happen. Yeah, yeah. So go do that while I'm pulling up those reviews, which I forgot

to do. You've got to give us your money on Patreon. Yeah, patreon.com slash memeboys. Five bucks a month gets you access to all kinds of crazy bonus content. Ten dollars a month gets you a piece of merch in the mail. This month is the Van Damme Academy bumper sticker, which

is hilarious and ridiculous. I will be sending one to the Van Damme Academy directly. Yeah, we should. I should send them a letter or two. Yeah, we're going to be following up with Van Damme. Oh yeah, well now that I have a printer, we can print out the email chain, you know? Yeah, jump on the Patreon. Fuck with the

Mean Boys subreddit. I'm looking for shit to print, you guys. Fuck with the Mean Boys subreddit. That has become to print, you guys. Fuck with the Mean Boys subreddit. That has become a shockingly active community. Yeah, yeah. Our Mean Boys go and get involved in various edged weapon debates

with your peers. I love that you guys are communicating with each other. We can all have friends in this world. Yeah, I'm so glad we got the We Like Swords nerds

and not the We Hate Women nerds. Yeah, me too. It really seems like it's more of our fan base. Speaking of which, this review says Keith's mom mom five stars uh he writes hey mama carrie i heard you were cool when you aren't writing nazis i don't really know what that means but writing nazis uh yeah like writing them like as in sexually not as in like she's communicating with them in jail the only place my mom would be worth five stars is in grand theft auto

yeah very true. So, yeah, go do all that shit and fucking get on our email list. Let us know where you guys live so we can start planning our next big tour. We love coming to see you guys. And you just fill out the closest major city you're willing to come see a show in, how many friends you're going to bring with you, and whether or not we can stick up your couch while we're in town. And once we get all the data in there, we'll start planning ourselves planning ourselves another little adventure and we'll go uh we'll go get into some shenanigans that last april tour

was a ton of fun and i mentioned to get back out on the road so go fucking do that if you haven't done it already if you have done it already and you really want us to come to wherever the fuck iowa don't put your name down twice because i'm not fooled by it i can see when eight people say that they all live in shit dick misick misogyny. Misogyny. Misogyny. Six minutes apart with weird, made-up, like, one, two, three, four, five, sex monster at Y-Mail. I'm like, okay, man.

But yeah, I think other than that, all you got to do now is sit back and relax and enjoy this week's episode with Ramsey Bedawi. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. If you lived in constant fear of your own mortality, you'd be home by now. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Ramsey Bedali. And I'm... If truck stops Had a Buddha.

Truck Stop Buddha, you're so fun. You look like a Make-A-Wish kid whose last wish was like, take me to a Bass Pro Shop and give me everything. I get all the lures? Hooray, I love cancer. Yeah, you do kind of look like a homeless person that was given like a $100 gift card to, you know... I've been trying to look less homeless and... Some kind of like discount store. Yeah, you do kind of look like a homeless person that was given like a $100 gift card. I've been trying to look less homeless. Some kind of discount store. Yeah.

You've been trying to look less homeless, which is why you're wearing the free macabre Black Flag shirt. The band you don't even truly understand that was sent to you in the mail. Love it. Love the shirt. A pair of dirty sweat-worn tap-out shorts, some flip-flops, and a camouflaged duck hat. Which was free. Yeah. But I did buy a ticket

to the game with money and they gave it to me for that. It did work out because my preferred economy is a barter based one. The cost of that ticket was infinitely less than the cost of just buying a hat. Tom, you look like you're about to take off your hat and tell me that my cousin was killed in a quail shooting accident.

Yeah, you're the guy in the fucking skeet range that has to go give all the bad news. Well, it's really the only hat I have right now. Well, Mrs. Chaney, your husband had a rough day. Like, I should hide how bald I am right now because of all the Nazi people. And it's like, oh, the only hat I have is orange and camouflage. That doesn't really hide my shaved head. Everyone's winning. Everyone's winning. That's a good point, Tom.

What made you go skin? You went zero on the Clippers in this political climate. Not since KFC decided to bring back the Colonel have I been so confused by someone's decision. Imagine Tom as the KFC colonel.

I don't really eat chicken, but I guess if you're going to do it, they gave me some money to say that here is good. Yeah, they got good deals at Bad Popeyes. If you don't have any money, you could just eat the butter. I don't know why they call them wedges. I put them on my feet. They're not functional as shoes. Yeah, put them under a table. Just squish the potato.

As much honey as you want. They don't ask what you're going to do with it. Yeah, the mac-to-cheese ratio I find to be lackluster, to say the least. Anyway, I'm from the South. I don't know. They don't do fish. I love the idea that Tom is trying to save money on mashed potatoes by mashing the potato himself. Yeah, my got my recipe. It's classified.

It's like white trash Korean barbecue where part of the fun is making it yourself. I got 19 different tasty roots that I... I'll give you the recipe, but only if you have a telegram. Oh, that's so funny. I will telegraph. Is it telegraph?

Whatever the thing is, I'll do that to you. Yeah, the graph. Special report. Tom's dumb. This just in from St. Louis. He's a big waterhead. Waterhead.

Yeah, no. That's what I call getting my dick sucked in a pool, baby. I'm getting some waterhead. Shut your dumb ass up. You might notice my pubes are a little bleached. That's all the chlorine, guys. I got myself some Waterhead. I think you just recited Aziz Ansari's first album.

Oh, is it really? I think all of his bits. Are they dangerously delicious or whatever? Could be. If I got blown here, it'd be called that. Exactly. Yeah. Have you guys ever tried a 69 in a bathtub?

No. Have you? No, but I've always wanted to. Yeah, if you do that, you're going to end up as the fat Whitney Houston. Did bathtub? No. Have you? No, but I've always wanted to. Yeah, if you do that, you're going to end up as the fat Whitney Houston. Did you? Wait, what would make you want a 69 in a bathtub? You're going to be Dan Whitney Houston. It's person shaped.

That's so good. I feel like. Yeah, thank you. I'm not saying you feel it. That's how you drown. But like. You want it to just be an empty bathtub. Yeah, or.

I don't know if you've heard of these new things called beds. They're pretty great. You know, one woman is like, yes, take me in an empty bathtub. Tom is the only person who's like, hey. Well, Tom, I don't know if you've heard of these new things called beds. They're pretty great. You know, one woman is like, yes, take me in an empty bathtub. Tom is the only person who's like, hey... Well, yeah, yeah, you're going to donk your head on a faucet and then... Look, the bathroom is the only place I have privacy in this house, so... If you were laying a woman down in an empty bathtub, she better be dead. Like, you know, you better be draining her blood to hide her blood.

Here's one. Clean out your Prius and do it in there. That's more romantic than a bathtub. Look, just fuck in Brandon's room. He's never here. Yeah, that's a good point. His room is terrifying. He has three quarts of lube just hanging on his bed.

Hanging like a feed bag? However you imagine. Grab a fistful of lube and join the party. I went through the desert on a horse with some lube. I'd never use anyone else's space as a fuck space for myself without permission. If I'm out of town, you can fuck in my room. Yeah, just ask Brandon. I mean, that's never ever going to be an issue, but I mean, it's certainly an option.

Fucking Connor's room is very satisfying, I will say that. You can fuck in my room too, buddy. I've always said that. Come feel free, turn on the AC. You can fuck in my room if I'm at home. Can I just jerk off in your guys' rooms? Yeah, man care just wipe it up yeah you can't jerk off in my room you know you're free to jerk off my room wipe it up because as we've learned apparently ants love cum that's like a thing dude that's a weird i did not know is there some sort of a sugar source income this

is something other salt yeah how did we how did this information come to us? Opie, Keith, and I both separately while discussing our ant problem, both were like, I think Opie was like, yeah, I jerked off into a napkin and I threw it away and the ants just swarmed on it. And me and Keith were like, me too. Yeah, I have a pair of underwear that I fucking blew ropes into and it just got consumed by bugs. Blue ropes. Oh, interesting.

I'll tell you what. Almost 30 years old, I'm never not amused by somebody giving a different, like a euphemism for a comic. I've never called it, it's usually shooting ropes. Shooting ropes is good, too.

Yeah, yeah. I like calling it, I dumped one into an old sock. Yeah, I guess I'm the only one who doesn't have the cum and ants problem. I feel like you cum ants. Yeah, you ejaculate.

No, see, I just cum from my room into other people's rooms, and then it's your guys' problem. That's the mold issue. Every time Tom comes, it looks like there was some kind of Mexican celebration where guns were shot through the ceiling. Jets! I came on my own chin last night, and it made me think of Tom and the Jets.

Tom cranked one out, and it looks like they won the World Cup again. I'm just imagining you taking a selfie and sending me a thinking of you postcard. I genuinely thought about it. It would have bummed me out. That's the thing. I knew you would have had not a good time if I did that. Yeah.

I mean, it would have been pretty funny. I would have laughed if they got bummed. I would have gently hit my lip and go, I'm like, Tom. Someday Tom is going to jerk off. He's going to come, and he's going to impregnate my girlfriend with a dusty Nintendo cartridge. The Jets. I want to set up a series of hanging frying pans, some kind of Old West sharpshooting trick challenge. We have to like, all right, you're going to hit it off the saucer into the hay bale through there.

And if you can get it between the second and third wagon spoke, I'll let you leave this town alive. I'd like to do it more like the style of the people who have to ski through the hills and then target shoot and then keep skiing again. Cross country jacking. Yeah, cross country jacking. It's literally skeet shooting. Is that what it's called? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, skeet shooting too.

More skeet. I don't know if you could take out a big clay frisbee, but you could certainly bust open like a Ritz cracker if we started just like, pull. I do love the idea of the constant pinging in our house and then us having to explain to people, that's either Tom jerking off or spitting tobacco. Both possible. I've actually never chewed tobacco. Your outfit suggests otherwise.

I know. I'm aware. I'm wearing orange. You look like your blood type is skull. You look like you chew and swallow tobacco. Man, my neighbors found an unopened can of chewing tobacco when we were all like 12 or 13, and they're like, oh, dude, hell yeah, we're going to chew tobacco. And they all chewed tobacco and threw up in the gutter.

It was awesome. I used to work at a call center where I was like a – it was a telemarketing call center, and all the guys chewed tobacco. And then if you stayed there longer than three months, you started swallowing it. Oh, God. And that was like the thing they would say. They'd go, hey, you spit it now, but three months later,

when you want to die, that's when you gut it. Wow. That's horrifying. So what's the Wi-Fi again? What's going on here? What do gas stations have to do with this? Oh, I sold tobacco there. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. That's a great story, dude. I'm just trying to be a part of the group. You're a smoke tender. And you are, buddy. I know it makes sense as a phrase, and there's nothing really. I have nothing against the people.

Does anyone else, does the word bud tender sit wrong with you what does that mean that's like the person that sells you weed you have never heard that you literally had that said to you when we got your CBD pen in Vegas the lady was like hi I'm Carol I'm your bud oh I don't listen to people uh bud tender is always the chick with the nose ring and the thigh tattoo you know the weird thigh tattoo oh yeah yeah the chick that you weirdly find yourself like a lion but like a lion, but part of it's purple. I like thigh tattoos. And it's like because of her dad or something? Oh, yeah. And then you what always would happen with me is I would find myself

having a ridiculous conversation with her where I was like, so what do you recommend for productivity? And she's like, I fucking dropped out of elementary school. I don't know. This is me doing really well. So what do you want from me? Yeah, I have an HED. I recommend leave this place and develop a skill. That's what I don't know. This is me doing really well. So what do you want from me? Yeah, I have an H-E-D. I recommend leave this place and develop a skill.

That's what I recommend for productivity. Yeah, bud tender is dumb. Yeah. See, this is why I don't listen to people. I think we should start calling them weed whores. What do you think, guys? Weed whore. Classic.

I don't even buy pot. I'm not in a situation where I interact with these women. Sticky pimps. Well, yes. Once again. That sounds like something that an English nanny would call your boogers. You love sticky pimps, Olympe? Cheats again, Thomas.

That's how people describe it. Oh, pass me the sticky, and then you smoke the joint. The sticky pimps sounds like a weird Brit pop band from the late 90s, early 2000s. Or like a weird hip movement, dance move. I don't want to break your table. That sounds like a band that the women I have sex with would try to make me listen to. The Sticky Pimps are opening for Blur. Yeah, absolutely.

Someone should hire me to name bands. I think I'd be great at it. Tom, you're doing the best bit of 19 years ago. Oh, is this covered material? Wouldn't that be a great band name? It's just like funny guy at the office shit. I wasn't the one who directed it this way. Yeah, you unlistening fuck.

Well, no, I don't want to be mean to Keith. No, I'm great. It feels weird that I'm podcasting at the back of your head. Well, get used to it, buddy. I'm leaving you behind. You bad hearing son of a bitch. Fucking, yeah, I've kissed my butt, best friend. Good one. Well, we're all full of hot guys. What do you say we start the Mexican joke off?

Ay, so topical. Do, do, do, do. Not once have you gotten that right. I'm just trying to help. I do want to say this. There's going to be a lot of fucking errors in mine, so I apologize. I jammed these out. Arabs?

A lot of Arabs. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll take us away. Again, mine, I've had to write more jokes in the last month than I ever have in my life, and I'm just out. So just enjoy just this for the nonsense quotient. Chicago has been named the rat capital of the United States after a new survey.

When the announcement was made, Keith Carey's mother told her vagina three years is a hell of a run before reluctantly unscrewing the ceremonial plaque from her labia. She's got like a bronze plate that just says, Rat Capital of America. She made a lot of positive changes as the rat queen. Yeah, yeah. Milwaukee Brewer's picture Josh Hader is under fire after tweeting racial slurs. capital of America. She made a lot of positive changes as the Rat Queen. Yeah, yeah. Milwaukee Brewers picture Josh Hader is under fire after tweeting racial slurs.

Some fans say his past behavior should be forgiven while protesters say it's one, two, three kikes you're out of the old ball game. That's, that's

It was funny because it was like these are all tweets from like a decade ago that they dug up. That one was written by Ramsey's dad. They dug up on this guy trying to get him in trouble,

and one of them literally just said KKK with no context. I'm like, what, are you trying to call them? Is it me or you? Yeah, I can go right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One shopper left dead after an active shooter entered a Trader Joe's in Silver Lake this weekend. In an official response, the CEO of the grocery store said,

if there's ever a day I wanted to use the N-word on a conference call. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. So, yeah, I was waiting to bring this up. Someone sent us a mail with a self-addressed envelope because they wanted some stickers, which is very sweet of them. They made it very easy for us. He sends us a card.

It says, thanks a dozen, because a million donuts may be a few too many. And then he wrote, insert obvious Keith joke. Evening, gents. As promised to Connor, I've sent a $5 and a return envelope for a Newark County Landfill sticker to make it easy for him. Also enclosed is a $15 gift card for the boys to enjoy. Fuck everything, God is dead. Cheers.

Drew, aka at Dark Homunculus. It's a $15 gift card to Trader Joe's. To Trader Joe's? We got this the day that the shooting happened Maybe I'll go to Trader Joe's and get some stacks and the closest ones the one in fucking Silver Lake So yeah, we are a thousand percent going to that fucking Trader Joe's. Yeah, I give card immediately Well, yeah, and this is I gotta say, you know me being too unmotivated to go get us some fun snacks, depression saved my life, guys.

That's insane. Is it the shooter who sent you the Trader Joe's card? It seems like a plot. Yeah, I was just like, I don't want to connect any dots about this, but yeah,

I was waiting for the show to bring that up. I got several. Rest in peace to the guy that died. That was fucking horrible when we went over there, but it was just a very

unsettling coincidence, you know, where I feel like someone's trying to final destination me and they're like, oh, jeez, we're going to have to make a little bit more blunt than this. You know what's so funny? You know what's hilarious?

I got like three texts from three different people like, hey, are you at Trader Joe's right now? And I was like, yeah, but I'm at the other Trader Joe's. It was such a coincidence. I was just like, what about anything about my life leads you to believe I shop at Trader Joe's? It's the first time I've been to Trader Joe's. It was such a coincidence. I was just like, what about anything about my life leads you to believe I shop at Trader

Joe's? It's the first time I've been to Trader Joe's in like years. And I was... The thing about Trader Joe's is it's not nice or expensive. You could totally shop there. Trader Joe's is cheaper than Ralph's. Yeah, I don't know what Trader Joe's' whole corner of the market is. They like shirts.

Hawaiian shirts. Just because they kicked you out for not wearing one doesn't mean that they're all about shirts bells they have they hide like a monkey or a lemur or something yeah these are the top three things bells shirts and lemurs when you think Trader Joe's that's definitely the uh there's a lemur out there what the fuck could you possibly I don't Tom what what's going on here it's not a live one they hide okay yeah again do you they hide stuff animals for children no i don't know what you're talking about now this is a fever dream you had no i mean they might they might do that i don't know there's a thing they

do but i will say that you disseminate information in the worst possible order where you're like i have aids i went to the doctor Music doesn't sound beautiful anymore. I'm deaf. They're hearing aids. You take the most circuitous route, and it ends up being A, either incorrect, or B, a terrible story. I'm telling you, they're hiding stuffed animals from you. It's for children. Google has...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. The first Reddit thing I searched is somebody said, many Trader Joe's hide stuffed animals for children. Boom! This is on Reddit. Boom! Boom!

Thank you, Reddit. I didn't dispute you on that. Keith did. The way you found this was you for sure found one of those stuffed animals and made sure a kid didn't get it. And then you got into a pissing match with the clerk about how the free lollipop policy doesn't apply to men in their mid-twenties. No, when I was a little kid, I found the shit out of that lemur.

That's how I knew about it. Again, wearing the camouflage hat, it just sounds like lemurs are primates. This is not a good look for you racially right now. You're a skinhead wearing tap-out shorts talking about, I'm not a skinhead. I have a head with invisible skin. There is a difference.

Yeah, Tom, the way you're dressed right now looks like you found the stuffed animal but wouldn't put it down because you kept growling. Anyway, we're talking about the Joes of trade. A man held a man... God bless you. A man held a bunch of people hostage at a Silver Lake Trader Joe's.

Last time a person felt this trap, Ramsey Badao was telling me about Jordan Peterson. Ah, damn. Now, did I ever tell you guys about one of your friends, Michael Eric Dyson? First of all, I don't know who that is, but fuck you, Lee. What I love is that Tom was writing that joke. He's like, I got to go to Ramsey Burn. Pauses, looks at me, goes, Jordan Peterson's that guy you like, right? I'm like, yeah, he gots the one.

Yeah. Oh, God bless you. I, yeah, he's the one. God bless you. I love him. He's really great. Buy his book, 12 Steps, 12 Lives, 12 Rules. Don't do that. I leave it in every Airbnb I go to. Anyone who has a self-help book that starts with the number 12

is probably kind of – it's like, well, you've come up with a different number at this point. They already got 12 people. Of all the issues you could have with it. I don't really listen to what Ramsey says about him. Why would you still go back to 12? They've had 12 is marketed. They got it cornered.

There's no 12 availability for self-help at this point. What a weird hard and fast rule to live by, Tom. Yeah, well, Tom has one rule for life, and it's fuck 12. Use 11 or 13. You can either make up a new step or cut out the fat. All right, Tom. I will pass it on to the team at JVP.

You're fired from the podcast. I've been fired too many times. Over 12 times I have been fired from... Go ahead. All right, guys. Ecuador may be ejecting WikiLeaks mastermind Julian Assange from their embassy. In a related story, Tom has been evicted from the kitchen and has to sleep in the hallway until J-Dog gets his shit sorted out.

I do think this is the kind of house where it looks like refugees would be. Yeah, totally. And that's without me here. Well, just because I feel like, looking out my window, it really does look like a Mexican favela. I love that Opie makes it look less like a refugee camp.

The only Nigerian immigrant. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, Opie is the most an immigrant. And I borrowed his suit the other day. Yeah, you do have a scenic view out the window of a fucking ramshackle plywood blockade. Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't know who made this fence and how, but it looks like one of the buildings in Fallout. The one thing Opie does that is very immigrant-like, it's his spice collection.

Have you guys noticed Opie's always like, yeah, I'm not. I won't shit on him for knowing how to use spices. It smells delicious. That's like my turmeric. My turmeric. It's fine. I was trying to get somebody to jiggle the cord and not stop the momentum. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Momentum stopped. Jiggling commenced. Yeah. All right. Well, now I'm totally unplugged. They had me jiggling. Jiggling, jiggling, jiggling. There we go.

Perfect. You guys know that song? No. Shut up. You don't either. Yeah. All right. Well, now I'm totally unplugged. They had me jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle. There we go. I'm partying. Jiggling. You guys know that song? No. Shut up. You don't either. Don't want to.

Don't want to know it. Keith, tell your joke. All right. Let's go back to this thing. A hostage situation in a Los Angeles Trader Joe's ended in a murder. The store will now be changing their name to Bullet Hole Foods. Bullet Hole Foods is good, man. I know. I love that.

I'm kind of funny. Wow, man. That's good. That was a nice job. I guess it'd probably be the food would fall out of the bullet hole. Yeah, that'd be the issue. So you're worried about your chocolate-covered almonds coming out of your stomach after you've chewed them? No, I would go around.

Tom doesn't have to buy one food forever because he eats it, it comes out of your stomach, and he keeps eating it. No, you go after the bullets are holed, and then you don't get shot. We've reduced the entire human digestive tract to Bender from Futurama. As far as days where nothing Tom says quite makes sense to me, we are really having a bottom five. I love that. I love that. Bottom five or top five? And here's what I'm worried about.

Five guys. We spent all this time setting this up in my room so we could have the air conditioning, and it's like Tom is acting more heat-stroked than he's ever been before. Oh, no, this is me comfortable, baby. I am comfortable. I am baby. I am comfortable. I am cooled. I am collected. Is it my turn?

No. It's my turn. A raid of Michael Cohen's office resulted in a secret tape of the president discussing a secret payment to Playboy model Karen McDougal. On Friday, Trump tweeted, I can't believe Michael would do this to me. Sources close to the president say he then ripped off his Best Friends Forever bracelet, locked himself in the Oval Office, and spent the next few hours blasting the song

Corn Flake by Tori Rae Imus. I don't know that song. It's really long, but I loved it. Can we play that song? I don't know that song. My middle school girlfriend told me that when she broke up with a guy she was dating before me, she just listened to Don't Speak by No Doubt like 50 times in a row. That's so funny.

So whenever I think of someone getting broken up with, I would, don't speak. I know what you're thinking. I Googled. Oh, I know that song. Yeah, yeah. It's a good song. No Doubt has some bangers, man. I love No Doubt.

They play it a lot at ice rinks in the early 2000s. Yeah, that sounds about right. I heard it there once. Yeah, yeah. I believe that song was playing when I won the dance contest at Cosmic Bowling when I was a boy. Ooh, fun. Wait, I'm sorry. I'm the nonsense?

That's just something I did. Sounds like you might be a little jealous, Tom. Yeah, Cosmic Bowling. I never won a dance contest. You never won with that attitude. You ever go Cosmic Bowling? I did. Yeah with that attitude. You ever go cosmic bowling? I did. Yeah, that's when they just have regular bowling with more lights, right?

Or less lights. Yeah, you got it. Like black lights. Well, shinier lights. Yeah, they space mount in the bowling area. Yeah. Yeah, shinier. Mostly shinier.

Or as I call it, gay bowling. A woman woke up to a man masturbating next to her on a flight. Wow, talk about a self-propelled jet. Self-propelled. Self-propelled jet. Like, coming. I like that you're trying to self-propel that shitty punchline. Self-propelled jet, that's not like a phrase that exists in any.

Jet is, and then you're jerking off, you're self-propelling it. You know, Andy's on a plane. It's like a pun. It's a pun dunking. It's a pun inside a pun. How about it sounds like he was trying to do some in-flight refueling, you know? That's kind of... No, I like talking about jets, though.

That's my thing. Yeah, I think people could put together... Yeah, you really... What am I doing? What if we called Cosmic Bowling RuPaul Presents Bowling? What I just tried to do to Tom's joke is if we just re-carpeted this house, like, why? We're tearing it down in six months to build condos.

Do you want me to do it your way? No, no, no. You'll have to remind me what you said, but I can do what you... Nothing could be worse than podcasting entertainment. If you could repeat it, I will repeat it. Nope. You win, Tom.

It was a great joke. I love you guys. Here's a gift card to Trader Joe's. I'll take it. Yeah. If you could spend that yesterday, that'd be great. Yeah, if you could go to whatever location all the copycats live near. All right, guys.

Researchers at the University of Alabama have cured baldness and wrinkles in mice. You know what that means, right? Mature mice with jobs that still got it going on. Sign me up, sister. Who wants to get dicked down by a mouse? Hey, hey, hey. What sound do mice make? Me and Keith aren't even looking at each other

and we're in sync. I saw the joke gland in the back of your neck. No, Keith even looking at each other and we're in sync. I saw the joke gland in the back of your neck. No, Keith's looking at you. No, I'm looking. What? Keith's looking at you. Man.

We're not making eye contact. Right. I can do no communicating with the back of my head. Okay. I won't explain it. I was going to go ahead and do a joke. A Turkish man was sentenced to 15 years in prison for kissing his daughter on the lips.

Many thought this was too harsh until they realized it wasn't the upstairs lips. Our pussy! Yeah, he ate his daughter out. The upstairs lips, pretty good band name. I mean, alright guys? The cave where a children's soccer team was trapped for almost two weeks

is being turned into a museum, despite the fact that it's crawling with poisonous insects. When asked about it, a representative for the Thai government said, well, it was either that or we rented out to Keith Carey for $320. Oh, yeah. That's pretty damn good.

Well done. A liquor store owner shot a man attempting to steal 54 cans of Natty Ice, leading the police to wonder what group of natty ice, leading the police to wonder what group of high school sophomores was the thief trying to finger. That's what that beer's for. Yeah, yeah. I like that Tom has like a redemption joke always.

Yeah, he always writes something amazing after something that just like doesn't even, I don't even know you're going for, you know? Yeah, self-propelled jet. You have to turn yourself into comedy Rudy so you have something to own. The only thing standing between you and fame and fortune is editing. I don't think it's ever... All right, guys.

Toblerone announced that it will change its bars back to their original shape. Candy fans everywhere are thanking the person who led this crusade, Aaron Djokovic. That's terrible. I don't know who that is. What happened to their bars? She's like a country woman.

Fuck you shitting on his joke from 19 years ago. Wait, who's Djokovic? Her name is Erin Brockovich, and she led this fight against the water department or something. Uh-huh. And yeah, it's like that, but it's Djokovic. Oh, I thought it was like a French person. No. Which shape did they change their candy to?

They just put more space in between the little triangles. Oh, those fucks. And people were like, yeah, no thank you, Toblerone. Yeah, seriously. It's already too expensive. I like candy. I've never craved the Toblerone. British people.

Never Toblerone. I don't. It's like you've been craved a Toblerone. British people. Never Toblerone. I don't. It's like you've been waiting for someone to ask you that for years. British people. I've been to England. That's not even that true. No, I had British friends. They had a whole freezer of Toblerone.

They weren't even fat. Good shape. Yeah, they were smuggling fucking cigars inside the boxes or something. No, they fed it to me. It was delicious. You guys ever eat a frozen Toblerone? No, that doesn't sound really good. It's fucking...

I've never had one. Toblerones stink. They're not good. Never had one. It's white dad candy. Eat it around a British accent. It tastes amazing. I'll be honest with you.

Connor, you are a white dad with no kid. Yeah, that's a good point. No, no, no. Oh, okay, good point. I just, I don't have the... No, no, no. Simmer down. Yeah, yeah. All right, all right't know. I don't have the. No, no. Simmer down. Yeah, yeah.

All right. All right. You're knocking over my equipment. Keith, you're at a two right now. You know what happens when you get to a three. He's going to turn the podcast right around. He'll do it. Yeah, I will.

I will, guys. No, dude. It's fucked up. People are always shocked that I'm like good with children, you know, because I think most people have this notion of me as just some kind of like well Connor as soon as he sees you he's trying to size you up and figure out how to cut you down I'm like I'm really not you know but uh yeah I'll like play with a kid and they'll be like what what's he are you is he gonna fuck him what's going on here like no the first time I say interact with children like oh man I wish I

was four so Connor could be nice to me yeah what do you want they're his emotional peers yeah you don't know how to feel shit gay lord no you guys you guys don't know how to wrestle with a couple of indiana toddlers i don't they jumped on me and i was like no thank you and they didn't really know what that you were like we can fight but if i fight i fight to kill i think a pussy touched my knee that was her idea i didn't feel good about it. I'm not going to prison. You're just like scraping them off with a credit card. Like, okay, that's enough. Just using your anti-pedophilia shoehorn to bump a child out of you.

You put a piece of paper underneath them and slide them out the front door. Okay, on your way. Get out of my garden. Cute. Chance the Rapper has purchased the news site Chicagoist. This is the biggest acquisition of a news outlet by a rapper since Sean Combs recently launched site The Puffington Post. The Puffington Post. That's the lamest thing I've ever seen.

It's just the same articles, but he just whispers shit underneath them. Yeah, that's so funny. We could do it every weekend. He's still out there. Is that really the right ad lib to throw down on the trader joe's shooting memorial uh we could be france puffy that's isis should we just call this episode trader joe's joe's of trade yeah joe's of trade i think the one i think the best uh one of the best jokes ever is uh fucking kyle canade's thing about the different like racist trader joe's imprints you know, yeah, the Trader Jose.

Yeah, that shit's fucking fantastic. So funny. Alright, is it me? No, it's me, I think. Okay, yeah, Ramdog. The indictment of 12 KGB officers this week for conspiracy to meddle in a U.S. election brings Trump one step closer to being criminally tried for charging or fucking, I fucked up this joke.

Okay, can I start over? That's okay, try again. Yeah, yeah, in-flight refueling okay you you jet this ramsey you got it the indictment of 12 kgb officers this week for conspiracy to meddle in a u.s election brings trump one step closer to being charged for colluding with russia if the president is charged he would be tried in front of a jury of his own peers which in this case includes mr peanut the dude the dude from the Monopoly box, and all the Kardashians except for the ugly one. Not talking about Caitlyn, of course. Which one's the ugly one?

Kyle, not... No, it's Khloe. I think Khloe's looking pretty good these days. I mean, none of them look terrible. Courtney is just never... I don't know anything about her. Is Courtney the fat one? No, Khloe's the fat one. Courtney's just the other one. There's a Is Courtney the fat one? No, Chloe's the fat one. Courtney's just like the other one.

There's a fat one, there's Cam, and there's the other one. Right, right. Kylie, I've reluctantly had to become familiar with Kylie because she's dating one of my favorite artists, Travis Scott. Who I liked before it was cool. The pickup guy? Yes, exactly. I'm big genuine. I don't know who that is.

Who do you think you mean? The guy who teaches fucking incels out of finger girls. No's that's mystery okay yeah true story oh yeah mystery you said that like oh of course now you can see the confusion i'm two words for one word i'm mystery's friend on facebook and uh i have him set up to show up first in my feed and i uh i always just like uh whenever he's like i'm coming to los angeles for a fucking seminar, I always comment like, bro, get at me. And then he'll go like my post, and then he'll like a bunch of my shit on my timeline. I messaged him one time just being like, bro, dude, you got me through some hard times. What's Mystery's first name?

His real name is Eric Von Markovic. Here's the good part. Oh, yes. Yes, the German count teaches men how to fuck yes one pussy two broken women well yeah no the best the best thing about mystery is if you log on facebook in the middle of the night every once in a while you'll see him like get drunk and post some sincere shit about how he can make real connections to women it'll be like one time i was i just got on facebook like two in the morning like two years ago ago. And he was just like, I haven't seen my kids in five years.

I feel so broken without him. And then the next day he was like, me and Bextra are going to a boozer to teach you how to work on your day game. And I'm like, man, this is awesome. Dude, something's coming together right now. So we spent like several hours the other night trying to teach Tom how to fuck. Oh, we did. Yeah, yeah. We were just trying to teach him how to talk to women.

And we ran. We ran. We weren't even teaching him how to fuck. It was just how to not come off asex how to fuck. Oh, we did. Yeah, yeah. We were just trying to teach him how to talk to women, and we ran through it. We ran through it. It wasn't even teaching him how to fuck. It was just how to not come off asexual to people. Yeah, we were doing flirting drills. Can we try and get Mystery to teach Tom how to date? Oh, shit. Genuinely, I don't want to learn anything from that man.

We got to do it, dude. You don't have to use them in the wild, but we got to maybe see about it. Look, if we can't get Mystery, maybe Matador would be interested. I don't know if that's interested. I know Matador. The show on VH1, The Pickup Artist, is one of the funniest watches of all time.

Oh, dude, I watched religiously. Trying to learn how to do bro pickup artist shit. It's fucking awesome. Just four dudes dressed like they came out of a Dr. Seuss book. I just want to see how they would dress Tom. Well, the best part about it is that they'll have evaluations and shit and Mystery will be wearing his big

dumb pink hat and he'll be like, Matador was really let down by your performance at the bar tonight, Corey. And then you just cut to a guy with a weird lip piercing who's got a dragon earring. Just like fucking nerds. You guys are all fucking nerds. Yeah.

I mean, here's the thing. I won't actually fucking learn from him, but I will fuck with him a bunch if you want to do that. I've never been worried about you learning anything. That's never been a concern. I just wanted to see if they're good enough to make you functional at their weird

game. That's what I want to know. I don't want to know that. But let's do it. If you guys to know that. But let's do it. Thanks for playing along with what would have been kind of a fun bit. Dude, I am the mystery. Right? I am Cuckoo Cuckoo Choo. You're more of a Wonderball.

Yeah, I got a shiny helmet and I do special effects at Spider-Man. I do laugh at the idea of mystery being broken by Tom. Dude, that's what I'm saying. I could do it. Tom solved the mystery. I could do it. Oh, my God, Tom solved the mystery. I could do this. I could.

And I want to. Oh, God. See, now I like this. I like you versus mystery. No, that I'm totally down to do. All right, guys, I think it's me, right? I think it's me. Okay.

Do you have how many jokes you have left? You have two left or one left? I have two. Okay, cool. Yeah, it's you then. Sorry. Okay. Can you grab me a water out of left? I have two. Okay, cool. Yeah, it's you then. Sorry. Okay. Can you grab me a water out of my mini fridge?

Sure. Thanks, buddy. There's one. That sounds degrading to the listener at home. There's a muscle milk. I'm saving that for after I... There's a bag of something. That's a burrito.

Okay, there's no water. Yeah, there's water in the back there. I don't... Oh, I see it now. Yeah, yeah. It's very deep. Why would you put it so deep Oh, I see it now. Yeah, yeah. It's very deep. Why would you put it so deep? Because I had it filled with waters all the way out, and then I drank all the waters in front of it, Tom.

You should have moved them up. Yeah, you should suck my dick and hand me water, you son of a bitch. You're welcome. I gave you water. Thank you. Man, that is one of the groanier things I've ever seen. Suck my dick as he hands you a water from your mini fridge. We're caddies.

You fucking prince. It's caddies. You fucking prince. It's a podcast. You queer prince. Yeah, this is a podcast. I can't get up or I'm going to knock everything over because all the waters are very big. See, I'm very capable of standing up. Now give me this crystal light, you son of a bitch. Khloe Kardashian's apologized to the public for calling her sister a retard.

Kourtney Kardashian responded, no, apologize to me. I liked it. All right. She's a, okay. Why is she the retarded one? I don't, I think they're all retarded, kind of. Yeah, I don't know why. I thought it was funny, Tom.

Yeah, thank you. I don't even have to defend myself. To you, white men sitting on the other side of the room. Me and Ramsey are here together. Ramsey has no sway in any racial. You have no. Are you leaving the white man alliance? No, by not calling me white, I have now turned against you.

Ramsey, a long time ago, you traded your race card for a John Kasich bumper sticker. And a pair of Warby Parker glasses. Some Warby Parkers and some boat shoes. And you're like, life's not so bad over here. The grass is greener. Well, we actually have grass as a white man, which is nice. That is one of the great luxuries of being a white man is this lawn. When my parents first came here, they were like, what is this?

Safety, lawns. It's like the sand has hair. Ramsey, go cut the sand pubes. Every man has small forest in front of home. That's pretty fucking great, Ramsey. The sand has hair in America. And finally, a couple delivered a baby at Chick-fil-A and were awarded free food for life. In a related story, Keith Carey has poked holes in all his condoms.

You trying to get that free? You love free food, dude. Quite large. A Brazilian plastic surgeon killed a patient after a botched butt cheek augmentation. Way to put the ass in assisted suicide. I only prepared four jokes, and I'm hoping by reading in this cadence. Shut up. Stop.

I like the assicide joke. I enjoyed that. I wish I laughed harder at that. That was a great joke. That's where you pop a silicone butt. Yeah. I like the assicide joke. I enjoyed that. I wish I laughed harder at that. That was a great joke. That's when you pop a silicone butt. Yeah. Twerk it. Yeah.

Like when they take Hank's prosthetic out at the mower race. Uh-huh. Yeah. I think there used to be fake tits. This might be an urban legend, but if you depressurize in an airplane at the wrong time, they could pop inside your body. Oh, shit. I thought that was a submarine. Maybe a i don't know wow who is going on a submarine i

know maybe like james cameron's like horror of the day i guess the only reason why you get a submarine really is to bring some chicks with fake tits on i don't know i feel like the james cameron party sub is like a no girls allowed scenario yeah so is the keith carey party sub because he wants all six feet to himself. Oh, here we go. Keating you up for that one, champ. Does anyone have like casual submarines, like helicopters?

Casual submarines. Well, there's the episode title. Is that a thing? I think there's consumer subs. Yeah, they're little. They're like two-man subs. Because if that's a thing, fuck a helicopter.

I want a submarine. I want you to fly a submarine. Dude, I could meet a squid and shit. That would be fucking awesome. Good afternoon, large squid. Tom, I see no universe where you get out of that submarine alive. I just want to give Tom a harpoon and a breathing apparatus and watch him just fist fight creatures of the deep. Did you know you can't shoot a whale with a harpoon gun from a main freeway bypass?

It's illegal? It is. What? I tell you what, dude, the government is just getting involved in every aspect of our lives. Is it legal to shoot them with a harpoon gun anywhere anymore? Yes. But especially not a freeway or bypass. Is this in America? Maine. The state of Maine. Oh, you meant Maine the state. I have a joke off.

I thought you said Maine freeway bypass. I'm like, that doesn't really mean anything mean anything yeah no no no yeah a freeway or bypass in maine the state of maine near canada yes okay what you have a joke off it's like what tom speaks he takes the sentence he puts all the words in a bag and then he draws them out randomly one at a time why do you know that? I don't know, actually. That would be helpful if I did. You look like somebody who voted no on that law. All right, well, I'm going to Google North Atlantic whaling laws,

and we'll get to the bottom of it. I'm very interested in the ocean. I love the ocean. It's one of my favorite places. Would you put it in the top five? Absolutely. Maybe two or one. What's your favorite ocean, Tom?

I mean, I've mainly been in the Pacific and the Japanese. Or Pacific and the Japanese. Oh, my God. The Pacific Ocean. The Japanese Ocean is Pacific. The Japanese Ocean is Pacific. It's the same one. It's the Pacific. Yeah.

So, yeah, I'd say the Eastern Pacific. Or, no, Western Pacific. What the fuck? Western Pacific Ocean. What's your second favorite place? Now I have to know Other than What comes after oceans? I don't like most places

I feel like your answer was going to be Jersey Mike's Yeah, that's where I get my consumer sub Enjoy aquariums You know it's illegal to harpoon a foot long at Jersey Mike's I wish I didn't have such bad motion sickness Because I throw up so bad on boats, but I love the idea of being on the water, but I'm just chucking

on children and shit, and I feel bad. I didn't realize you were such a water man. I've always loved the water. I don't think I know. I've only known you on land, Tom. The problem is this house is landlocked, so we don't have access. Tom, we are a 20-minute drive from the fucking ocean. Right, I said the house, not the town.

You fool. If he doesn't live on the water, he won't go to it. Well, yeah. I told you guys I wanted to live in a boat. We can't afford to live on the water

until like 30 more years of global warming, Tom. I can't afford a trip to the beach right now. Also, Tom, what boat ride are you going on where you're throwing up on children?

Like, you don't have to be on the boat. There was a ferry to Catalina. I threw up on a lot of kids there. Whale watching. How many kids could you have thrown up on children. You don't have to be on the boat. There was a ferry to Catalina. Threw up on a lot of kids there. Whale watching. How many kids could you have thrown up on? It was a boat made of children.

You lay on Keith Carey's back and you row him to the island. Whale watching. Lots of kids. Those are most of my boat experiences. That would be a good name for a New York color guard team. The Staten Island Fairies. Well, it's a little known fact in Japan

they don't actually have barf bags they give you a little kid to throw up in well they gotta do something with all those girls yeah I was about to say

here's a baby girl alright look you gotta jerk off to something and so this is what they choose yeah on the airplanes they put them in that

little like front seat pocket in case you know you have an accident while you're taking off or landing little Japanese school girl pops up you throw up in her mouth

fun stuff guys itadakimasu yeah you wipe your mouth with her skirt I am Pyuki-san You know, you have an accident while you're taking off or landing. A little Japanese schoolgirl pops up, you throw up in her mouth. Fun stuff, guys. Itadakimasu. Yeah, you wipe your mouth with her skirt. I am Pyuki-san. If anyone got that reference, let me know. Is it you or me? No, I didn't have one. Okay.

A woman at a country music festival was struck by lightning. Her boyfriend responded quickly, screaming, Oh my God, Britney got an idea. Tom G. Damn. Fucking home run, my man. Oh, hell yeah, dude. I love it, Tom.

All right, nicely done, sir. Yeah, when Tom has an idea, a candle appears over his head. Tom to me is like the embodiment of yin-yang. It's either genius or I can't understand. It's not English. It's Russian. Yeah, I don't even think the bad. I don't think the ideas that don't play are bad i think i'm just not evolved enough that's exactly it i don't think you're totally right i think if i also existed like simultaneously in fourth dimensional space i really would have got a kick out of that jets

joke but uh unfortunately i'm down here on the earth did the jets for you connor thank you buddy i always do the jets for you oh that's weird uh i'm just jerking off to you yeah yeah well interpret it however you wish that's how i do for you not to you the worst light beer commercial this jets for you he's filling up a jar and it's like when he gets to this line he's just gonna give it to connor that's what i always tell the ladies birthday again ah shit okay i gotta i gotta eat some bananas and go to the bathroom i gotta give that to me for my birthday. Too close. Do you guys think that Louis ever tried this defense where he was going, look, I wasn't jacking off at you. I was jacking off with you.

It's a little bit different. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was punching with. Spunking up. Spunking up. There you go. All right. Well, that was a Mexican joke off, guys.

What a fun one. We'll be right back. Yeah, me too. After we somehow get out of this tangly room right after this this is not a test this is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the U.S. government. Weapons of class four and lower have been authorized for use during the purge. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity

from the purge and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. when the purge concludes. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America, a nation reborn. May God be with you all. Goddamn, I fucking love Purge Night, boys. Woo! Fuck yeah. Get some.

We got 12 hours with no cops, no laws, and no mercy. What are we gonna do first? I say we go down to the docks and light a wino on fire. Yeah. Then maybe we go to Sorority Row and find a little company for the night. Ted Bundy style. Yeah. And then when we're done with that, we go to the neighborhood where I grew up and I have sex with my dad.

Yeah. Wait, what? Oh yeah, dude. I'm gonna straight up cornhole my dad. Yeah. Wait, what? Oh, yeah, dude. I'm going to straight up cornhole my father because it's not illegal tonight. Woo! That sounds less fun than my thing. Come on. Every year all we do is murder a bunch of people in the streets. And like, that's fun.

But you know, I think we can go bigger. Murder is not the only law we can break. Let's get weird. Let's take a dump in a church. Let's rob a bank. Let's have consensual gay sex with my dad. Consensual? Like he's into it?

It was his idea. Purge! That seems worse, right? I don't know why, but it does. Like if he was raping his dad, like sure. I don't love it, but I get it. But if the dad's into it, I don't know, man. I'm in the woods on this one, morally speaking.

I mean, like, not only is that super creepy, it's also a waste of a good purge. I mean, we can literally go out, start cutting people's throats for one night a year. You can fuck your dad any time. It sounds like he's into it. I mean, I know incest is illegal, but, I mean, just be cool about it and don't tell everybody. Especially us? Never tell us anything about this. You don't think I've tried that?

My stupid dad won't let me pound his butt unless we're legally married. Oh, nope. Nope. Uh. I know, right? He's so old-fashioned. Can we please just purge? There's an unarmed woman right there.

We could go kick her to death. Doesn't that sound like a better time than listening to you talk about marrying your dad? Hey, man, we didn't give you shit when you married a fat girl. Look, the heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants to spread my dad open in my childhood bed. You guys think Rebecca's fat? It just feels right. We have the same interests.

We know so much about each other. I know he gets along with my family. You know, I remember he used to take me in the backyard as a kid, and he'd throw the baseball around. So maybe after all this time, I make an honest man out of him, and I teach him how to catch for a change. I'm kind of losing my purge boner here. Look, the wedding is tonight, and I want you both to be my groomsmen. We've been purging together for years,

and I can't think of anybody I'd rather have by my side as I walk the man who taught me how to walk up the aisle. Yeah, I don't know what to say here, man. We'd be honored. Really? No. You weird asshole. Get the fuck out of here, dad banger.

You're out of the Purge gang. Come on, let's go fuck someone up. Jesus. All right, yeah. Purge. I'll get it back. Man, forget you guys. I don't need you.

I thought you were my friends before I make this union complete if anyone has any objections speak now or forever hold your peace I object we're not gonna sit here and let this man we've known for years

Stand in front of all these people In a house of God And marry his fucking dad Without us standing next to him Then by the power invested in me By the new founding fathers of America I now pronounce you Guy in bloody Ronald Reagan mask

And father You may kiss the dad. I knew you'd come. I'm sorry. Hey, nice to meet you. Sorry, I'm dad. Oh, dad. I'm going to get you pregnant tonight.

Happy Purge night, everybody. When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay. Because I could draw. My uncle was, and I kept my room. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. night, everybody. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. A quick reminder, if you live in Portland, Oregon, we are doing a live Mean Boys, August 9th, at the Big Legralski. 10 o'clock.

Tickets are on sale now. They're in the show notes. Please come to that Friday night in Seattle, August 10th. We'll be doing stand-up at Jai Thai. Tom will be there. It's going to be a whole fucking thing. August 9th is what day? August 9th is a Thursday.

Is a Thursday. Oh, so fun, dude. Day after Wednesday. That's right. That's good, dude. You guys know about days. But listen, everybody. We got the big-ass Ram Dog in the studio,

and you know what that means. It's time for another edition of Now Is Not The Time. You would think if I was more motivated. That's the official jingle. Yeah, I would have a jingle. There's three dudes making fucking reggaeton noises. Oh, is that where that's from? I don't know.

I've only heard white people make that noise. Oh, we co-opted the shit out of it. Well, to be fair, they did take the air horn, which we use for our swimming events. Yes, absolutely. For the white man's so funny. For white men's swim meets. That's right.

Oh, my God. So good. I'm not saying black people can't swim. I'm just saying swimming as a sport is a very Caucasian thing, I feel like. No, I'm saying black people can't do it. I'd like to be on audio. The only whiter sport than swimming is chasing black people. Yeah, I mean, it's like up there with badminton and banking, you know?

Badminton, man. Ugh. I used to want a badminton racket so badly when I was younger. Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard? Man, dude, I'd never really believe you struggled until right now that that was a pie in the sky. Oh, man, someday I want to do, like, fucking 70-year-old leisure activities. Okay. The way you flipped that, I can't see.

I know. I flipped it in a way that fucked it up. Okay, guys. Here we go. How are we doing, folks? All right. Now is not the time, guys. Every week.

Terrible news. Terrible news stories. Terrible reactions. You guys know the drill. This week is no different. I don't know if you guys heard the news, but Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia has recently allowed to pass an ordinance that allowed women to drive, finally, in their country. Pretty crazy.

I actually have an audio recording of my father saying, they can't drive. Their faces are covered. I will give you the audio to that, Connor, if you have any interest in throwing it at some point in this episode. He also went on to say, it's a good thing their faces are covered. These women are ugly. Oh, boy. My dad is going to be performing at the Saudi Arabian Improv this year, if you're interested. So one of the things that really caught my eye was the social media reaction by one of my favorite, favorite fast food chains, Burger King, which has released the hashtag WAP Her.

Oh, man. What? To celebrate women driving. Now, here's the deal. WAP Her sounds like you're punching her. Yes. WAP Her. Yeah, yeah.

WAP Her sounds like something we've been doing for decades. WAP Her. I barely know her. It sounds like a threat from the 40s, you know? They're doing a thing inside here. I'll Whopper right through that wall, I tell you what, Louie. I can't believe nobody at Burger King thought that this was possibly what people would think when they saw this.

Right. They're doing a thing now where apparently- And this also presumes that up until now, all Whoppers have been male. We got a female Whopper before we got a female president. They do? That's so funny. Yeah, a female Colonel Sanders, a female whopper. Do you know who I really feel bad for in this scenario is the Saudi Arabian people.

When women drive was there when pigs fly. So now they got rid of an idiom. There's all this guy. He's like sucking somebody's dick. And he's like, I really thought the government had a handle on this shit. What do they say now? Like, oh, when gays aren't murdered. Yeah, when gays can comfortably party on the rooftops without fear of being pushed.

They're doing a thing in Saudi Arabia, according to this Twitter, this tweet, is that if you're a woman and you come to a drive-thru and you're driving the car, they will give you a free Whopper. Is this in Saudi Arabia exclusively? Exclusively Saudi Arabia. This is leading to probably a lot of Juana Man type scenarios where it's like, I don't know, those eyebrows are pretty thick, but I'll be goddamned if I don't want to be the guy who gets fired for this.

They're wearing their fucking cousin ant robes or whatever, so it's like, who can tell? I guess part of me is like, who can tell? And the other part of me is like, this sounds like a trap, doesn't it? Yeah. Come through and get your Whopper. I mean, they're going to get fucking more than a Whopper. No, they're going to get the fry basket just whipped at the face.

Well, yeah. And the people making the Whopper also live in Saudi Arabia. They might be spitting in them or something. Does Saudi Arabia have other fast food chains? I didn't know they had Burger King. Saudi Arabia has everything that America has in terms of fast food chains and also public lashings on Friday for missing the prayer. So it's a good place.

A lot of the social media response has been pretty overwhelming. A lot of people here thanking. Here we have somebody from Mohammed Al-Bakr saying thank you for everything you've done for this country. Hashtag Saudi women driving. He's got the picture of the president. That's the president of Saudi Arabia. We've got another one here.

Historical moment for our country. This guy made us proud to be Saudi Arabian. Picture of their king here. More tweets like this. A historic day. Pictures of the king. A picture of his father. So he looks like kind of a cool young guy.

Yeah. Sort of like Saudi Arabia got a young pope. Is he the one who passed the woman be driving ordinance? Or was it someone else? He did the woman be shopping ordinance. He was the one who passed the ordinance woman be shopping ordinance and I gotta say I love this because now Saudi Arabia has caught up to America in letting women

drive and also thanking men for every woman it's a good one of our big moves let's talk about the the big issue we all know it the children are still being centers in the border this is very tragic we all know it. The children are still being held at detention centers in the border. This is very tragic. We all know why this is bad. It's inhumane. It's cruel. Cages are way too big.

It's a waste of resources. Here's my problem. We all know that once you put them in the cage, their eggs don't come out as good as previously. It's a real problem. It's a problem. Should we describe them Yeah I guess so Oh yeah he photoshopped a picture of

The Hall of Fame great guest Chris Estrada Onto a rooster Onto a rooster yeah I mean you know You didn't even need Talk a little doof Although rooster might be a guy who lives on our block I believe we do have a guy named rooster

Who lives here Oh yeah yeah It's a No affiliation with the neighborhood cockfight No Do we ever investigate that cockfight? I don I believe we do have a guy named Rooster who lives here. No affiliation with the neighborhood cockfight. Did we ever investigate that cockfight? We were going to go, weren't we? I refused to investigate until I got an invitation.

If anybody's going to get into the cockfight incognito mode, it's Tom. Tom with that hat on? Tom looks like he commissions cockfights. You look like a cockfight referee. You're the Roger Goodell of bleeding roosters. Yeah, yeah. In this corner, bird A.

And in this corner, bird two. If I'm not mistaken, most of the... Dong, dong, dong. Most of the people who patronize my local cricket wireless also call cockfights. So one of the things that I noticed that was very particular or peculiar is that all over Twitter, nobody was on the right. Nobody was actually condemning this. Did you look around? People were people were saying that it was terrible.

They thought that was terrible, but they also thought it was a filthy lot, which I thought was interesting. Tons and tons of conservative Twitter accounts posting this meme of Adolf Hitler saying, when the media uses children to push an agenda, remember this, followed by a quote from Adolf Hitler, which said, the state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation. That doesn't make sense for a bunch of reasons. One, we don't like the government right now.

Well, here's the thing they're saying, and this is the thing, everybody's pushing it. Look, every fucking conservative Twitter account that I ran into had a quote of this Hitler from Mein Kampf, apparently, all over the place. Every single person, all over Twitter, all over Instagram. That's their sort of position on this is that it's happening, but it's not as bad as the media is exaggerating. Right. So I read this and I thought, listen, if I have to combat this particular statement, what do I got to do?

I got to find out whether Hitler actually said it. So I Googled it. I said, did Hitler actually say the quote? Okay, here's the quote. Looked it up. Couldn't find anything on Google from a source that was less crazy than the person citing it.

Didn't really work out that well. Went onto YouTube, found a video titled Top 10 Adolf Hitler Quotes Inspirational. What? What? Yeah, the video was labeled inspirational quotes. Yeah, but we get demonetized for stealing a Death Grip song.

Can I tell you what I really hate about this video? It's got 6,230 views, 65 likes, right? I compared that to the numbers. It has more likes and views than my Fox Labs appearance. If I'm being honest, your Fox Labs appearance has way more views than I thought it would. But apparently not as likable as Hitler's inspirational quotes. You weren't inspiring people to greatness. Yeah, you were inspiring them to switch over to cricket wireless.

How many dislikes did Hitler have? He had 17. Oh, you had six. Hitler's really winning the numbers. Yeah, he's really doing it. He's pushing an agenda. I do like that it's just gotten to a point of like well here's a picture of hitler with a cow next time they try to tell you that cows are good if you do you like cows you know who else like you know like everything is cool they'll be like

well hitler loved it yeah you were like making a riff that apparently hitler was vegetarian or some shit and so a lot of the times as a kid, I'd be like, I don't eat meat. And then I'd get called Hitler for it. Hitler was also apparently on meth. And when I heard that news, I doubled my Ritalin dosage. Did he say that? This is the question I'm going because I can't find credible sources. Right.

So I got to think to myself, if Hitler said it, we got to go right to the fucking source. Oh, no. I decided. What did source Oh no I decided What did you do? I decided to Purchase a copy of Mind Pump Now here's the thing

I didn't At first I thought Well I'm not gonna Actually purchase it Right? But then I Went to Google I searched it up

I was like Is there a free PDF Version of this book? Came across the Google bookstore And found Hey They've got a copy of it

And the reviews are Pretty damn good Look at this. Wow. Yeah. MineConf has a total of 1,293 reviews, four and a half stars. Seems like a pretty good book. That's four times the amount of people who watch your last day.

No, I'm kidding. You know what? I did the math wrong. Tom, that actually really hurt. That's four times more reviews than we have, almost exactly. Yeah. And I'll tell you right now, the reviews are fucking in they are great we got to beat uh fucking uh richard spencer and mind conf now yeah thanks a lot ramsey this was this was like a like uh this uh wasn't even the

official like mind comp it was like a guy doing his mind comp you know what i mean like his he's got his side notes and his annotations etc the. The reviews are fucking stellar. I mean, we got one guy who wrote, great book, but I prefer it in German. Yeah. Have you listened to Mein Kampf on vinyl? He got seven likes on his. We got another guy who wrote, Thomas Dell wrote,

this book changed my life and inspired me to do more to help preserve my country, my race, and Western civilization. Adolf Hitler was one of the greatest men who ever lived, and someday people will understand the truth of this great man and learn to follow his example. My favorite review came from

NopeNope, who wrote, One star. I bought this by accident. No, you didn't. How do you accidentally buy Mein Kampf? I will say, this is 100% a true story. We had two copies of Mein Kampf in my house when I was growing up because my stepdad bought it. Like a family bible? My stepdad had it, lost it,

bought another copy, then found the old copy. And they weren't hidden. They were just on the family bookshelf. I remember at one point seeing Mein Kampf next to Hop on Pop. We missed Annex Pop. Before I knew who it was written by

A kid was reading it in one of my classes And they took it away And they were like, it's a banned book here I was like, what's the book? I'm gonna read it He was like, it's Mein Kampf I was like, oh, who wrote it? He goes, Hitler I was like, oh, okay, never mind then I just read all the banned books

I imagine Tom in a real Who's On First situation Being like, it's Mein Kampf Okay, I get it, it's your comp, but who wrote the book? He's like, it's mine comp. Or just like Bully, I'm taking mine comp now, nerd. Yeah, I was trying to buy Minecraft and shit got out of hand. No, I remember one time we had to do a report on like a great man. And there's this one like fat, like redneck kid who's like, well, you could probably,

like great means significant. So could you say that Hitler was significant? And teacher was like, yes, that's very good, Douglas. And he's like, could I do mean camp? And she was like, well, I thought I fucking guess so. And he just had to go up and give this presentation about Mein Kampf. And it was just like it. It's just like, oh, what are we doing here, man? The only way you could accidentally purchase Mein Kampf

is if I think you were trying to purchase chicken Mein Kampf, stir fry for the Aryan soul. All right. So I bought Mein Kampf. How much did you pay for Mein Kampf? $4.99. And to be honest with you,

I paid too little for it because it's a good book. I read the whole thing through and through, cover to cover. Oh, no. All the way through. I read every whole thing through and through cover to cover all the way through. I read every fucking word of Mein Kampf. Does he quote other people?

He does quote a lot of other people. He does a lot. Look, I'm not going to say he's not a compelling writer. I literally broke off four dates with my girlfriend because I was like

I have to finish Mein Kampf. Yeah, yeah. I was about to say. My Jewish girlfriend. Because I have to find out if Hitler said it. Turns out, didn't say it. Yeah, did you tell your girlfriend

you had to go read her version of the Babadook? That rules. The Rabbi Duke. I read the whole fucking thing. I couldn't find it. I even control F the PDF and I put the quote in. Nothing. Nothing came up.

So I'm like, how am I going to argue with these people? The one thing that I found in the book that was interesting, the closest to the quote, came from Chapter 7, where Hitler wrote, it must proclaim the truth that the child is the most valuable possession a people can have. That's what Hitler wrote. So, I thought about that more. I'm like, okay, well, that's a quote. That's pretty close to what they're trying to say.

So, actually, when Kenneth Kershaw was writing this quote earlier where he wrote, the state must declare the child as the most precious treasure, when he was writing that to rebut the story of the children in the detention center, he actually, a few tweets after that, retweeted this victory for

pro-life groups. Actually, by being pro-life, he was being more pro-Hitler than anything else. Yeah, yeah. So technically, if you're pro-life, you're pro-Hitler. You agree with that?

This drawing of Hitler, he looks like Zod. I'm glad we did this segment after I bragged about how good I am with kids. Ultimately, guys, what did I learn? I learned, here's what I learned. As Joseph Goebbels once said, if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth. That I did verify. He did really say that.

He's Hitler's commander in chief, basically. Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. He's like his, I was about to say Grand Moff Tarkin, and I was like, that'll mean less to Tom than Joseph Goebbels. It's a Star Trek thing? Sure. Point number two that I learned, pro-life means you support me.

Of course. And point number three I learned is, at my work, they block Facebook, but I can still download mine. And that's been that was not the time. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love this segment, dude. Bravo, man. Yeah, we'll be right back right after this. Come out with your hands up.

Stay back. I'm serious. I'll kill all these motherfuckers. What's the situation? I'm off the clock, so this better be good. Arm Perth barricaded himself in the Trader Joe's. He's got hostages. Says he won't talk to anybody except you, Chief.

Mother of God. He's on the line. Give me that phone. Listen up, you scumbag. We've got the place surrounded. It's the end of the line. You can leave in handcuffs or a body bag. The choice is yours. Fuck that. I've got a list of demands. You're going to give me exactly what I want or I'm going to start taking out hostages. Who do you think you are, punk? I don't negotiate with thugs like... Hang

on. There's another call on the line. Who is this? Hey, sweetie. It's me. Carol, what did I tell you about calling me on this phone? I know. Emergencies only. You're a big, important policeman. I just needed to remind you to stop by the grocery store on your way home. I texted you the list of what we need. Please don't forget. Damn it, Carol.

I'm in the middle of an op- Okay. I love you, honey. See you soon. Don't forget. You there? Yeah, I'm here. What do you want?

I want immunity and a gassed-up chopper waiting to take me to Mexico. I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, as a sign of good faith, we need you to release one of the hostages. Just one? Yes, just one. And you're going to send them through that front door, and you are going to make sure they have the following items with them. Two pounds of organic beef, a dozen of those brown eggs, one carton of soy milk.

Jesus, Carol, no wonder our son grew up gay. And, uh, Tangelo? Fuck is Tangelo? I don't know. She just wrote Tangelo. Are any of the hostages employees? Yeah, one. Put him on the phone. You! Phone! Now!

Don't try anything or I'll blow your fucking brains out. Hello? This is the chief of the Los Angeles Police Department. Listen carefully. What is Tangelo? Please help us. He's already killed one person. Please, mister, I don't want to die wearing a Hawaiian shirt. God damn it, man. Sack up

and answer the question. What is Tangelo? You know this hippie bullshit, food, and I want answers. Can you spell it? T-A hippie bullshit food, and I want answers. Can you spell it? T-A-N-G-E-L-O. Do you mean tangelo? It's a fruit. You're the fruit, and I'll ask the questions around here. Please, please, chief. I have a daughter. Yeah, so do I. His name's Adam, and he's something called a musical improviser.

Now listen up, Nancy. If you want to make it out of this alive, quit blubbering and tell me what a tangelo is. It's like a cross between a tangerine and a grapefruit. Well, is that something that comes, like, by the bag, or do you buy them individually? Carol just wrote tangelo. I don't want to catch hell from her on this. I'll tell you what, just bring out a normal amount of tangelos, like the regular amount a person would buy. In the case of Budweiser.

We don't sell Budweiser, but we do have a great lavender infused micro-brew. Hello? Are you there? All right, pack it up, boys. Let's go home. These people aren't worth saving. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag.

We're dipping into your questions, your comments. You can send them to us on Twitter or leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. Let's see what's going on here. People are getting yelled at for making Trader Joe's jokes in our mentions. Oh, wait, what? Wait, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Dark Homunculus, who sent us the gift card, made it a joke. And then Citizen X wrote, a hashtag Trader Joe's employee was killed.

Why don't you go to her funeral and tell that joke? Hashtag fuck boy. You are a POS hashtag Twitter douche. Click on Citizen X and see if they follow us or not. Yeah, and I also want to say. They do not. No. Yeah.

So this is just a thing that happens is trolls just search the phrases and then. I mean. I posted a James Gunn thing and then I I got fucking assaulted by a lot of Russian trolls. You fucking tell those trolls they chose the wrong podcast to fuck with. Citizen X, you're going to really hate the sketch we did earlier in the show. Well, I mean, to be honest, it wasn't a great joke, and that lady did die. So I'm with Citizen X on this one. Yeah, but free speech, man, whatever that means.

Yeah, yeah, I'm kidding. If Hollywood came knocking and wanted to make a summer blockbuster movie based on one of the Mean Boys characters, on this one. Yeah, but free speech, man. Whatever that means. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kidding. If Hollywood came knocking and wanted to make a summer blockbuster movie based on one of the Mean Boys characters, who would you choose and why? None of them are,

I think, really blog... I mean, there may be a Mark Molloy-driven Adam Sandler-esque comedy or something. Yeah, you could do... Thor could fight Karnak like nine movies deep.

Yeah, I think so. Karnak would be a great villain. What's another character? What's the taco guy's name? Taco Monster? Taco Monster? Taco Monster? I feel like in the day of diversity, Taco Monster could really be a protagonist. What better to support diversity than a white man doing a wildly offensive Mexican accent

while dressed as a taco? This summer, Coco 2. The Taco Monster. We didn't learn anything. It's me. Stop singing. I don't know. I feel like if that Mysterion dude got his own TV show, I can't ace whole.

Mysterion? What was his name? What do you think Mysterion is? Mystery. Oh, yes. Yes. Well, yeah, you're making him sound like the backing band for some kind of like ska star. Mysterion sounds like some weird over-the-counter boner pill Opie takes.

Hey, yo, I've been making Mysterion Macca smoothies. It's like from the Philippines, and it's like, your dick is big, but it's bad. I'm laying a straight-up problematic level of pipe, dog. It's like you lay pipe, but it's that pipe with the bitey flower from Mario. Muffin pan. I want to move to Texas, but I'm afraid the main reason why I want to go isn't enough to justify it, parentheses,

helping to turn a red state blue in elections. Is this a crazy idea or does it seem reasonable? It's crazy. Do it. There's cool parts of Texas. Texas, I've liked all the time I've spent there, but you thinking that your one individual vote is going to turn Texas blue. No, but I have seen this idea that you could send a big chunk of liberals out of the big cities into these sort of swing areas to turn shit. Yeah, that's not the way to do it. Yeah, you could do – there's better uses of your time.

If you really want to do things for liberal causes, fucking phone bank and knock on doors and do whatever. Going to Texas and fucking getting in their faces ain't going to help you. No, I mean move to Texas maybe just because it's kind of cool. Yeah, move to Texas because you want to move to Texas. Go to Austin or go to Houston. Yeah. Totally. It's like those people who are like, oh, I'm going to go to Mexico to build a house.

It's like, bitch, just go to Mexico. Just go to Cabo San Lucas. Yeah, fly over those poor people and go where the beach is. Yeah, that's what you want to do. Yeah, let's not pretend. All right, this guy writes, the OC Fair is back. The Mean Boys have to come up with a new fried food to sell. What unholy concoction do you guys come up with?

Tom, go. Fried foot. I'm going to turn to Tom up with? Tom, go. Fried foot. Fried foot. Whose foot? It doesn't matter. Fried foot. You bring your own foot, they fry it. P-Y-O, your foot. Here's the thing. There we have it. You just eat batter off of your fucking scalded foot. Yeah, okay. You can do hooves. You can do

feet. You can do, I don't know, what do elephants have? Maybe they give you some kind of glove that they dip, you know, that's like heat proof that they dip in like chocolate and you fry that and you can just suck it off like an infinity gauntlet of like trash oh dude i kind of love that i do love that i also love that it's a since it's like a county fair they have to remind you to bring your own foot they're like listen do not bring somebody else's foot this is a problem we've run into many times here i don't i don know. Don't people eat feet some places? I mean, can't they?

Yeah, of course. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a person's foot. If you want to bring a person's foot, that's how- Even if you're going to eat a person, the foot seems like the worst part to you. What if you deep fry it? Yeah, but it's chewy, like one of those sticks of meat. I think the fucking Donner party were like, we're not eating the feet.

Yeah, you start with the ass and then you figure it out. Yeah, yeah. What about fruit? Was it fruit by foot? Is that the thing? Fruit by the foot? Yeah. Deep fry a fruit by the foot. What about a foot from a fruit? I mean, that keeps foot. Yeah, there's some fucking gristle on there.

I'm trying to think. What if they not fried at this point? I mean, your brain was first. I don't know. They've done the ice creams. They've done the cold things. They've fried butter at the fair. How about a fried strawberry? I don't really like fried shit.

Any one of those fried concoctions I've had. Fried soup. Genius. Connor, what about a churro? Oh, I like a churro, yeah. But any of the novelty fair items that they fry, I'm like, this is like, I had a bite of a fried Snickers and I was like, what the fuck? This has just ruined the Snickers.

I'm with you on this one. Whenever I taste a fried Snicker, I'm like, this is a distraction from the Trump-Russia case. It's a real hit-miss thing with me with the fried fare nonsense. Hear me out, all right? Connor, I know you don't like soup. You get a clam chowder.

You get it in a bread bowl. You dip the bread bowl in the deep fryer. You have fried soup. Then you're just making kind of like a big chowder grenade. Yeah, you know? A chowder grenade? Yeah. Great bad. You're just making a weird

hot pocket of weird eastern seaboard nonsense. Everyone said you couldn't fry ice cream. They said they couldn't do it, and then they did it. No one said that once. I don't think adding this weird Rudy of food fucking element is not foodie. No one's saying like, Tom, you could fucking element. No one's saying like Tom you can fry

soup. No one's encouraging me and I'm telling you we can do it. We're not encouraging you because you're wrong. You might be right you're just wrong. Here's a larger point. Who could fucking possibly care? I don't not want a Chowder Grenade. It doesn't sound bad. Chowder Grenade. Great name.

I'll give you residuals. If Ramsbad ran for political office, what would his platform be? You get to park for free anytime it's too hot to have sex. Oh, God damn. James, we can believe it. Oh, man, yeah. Oh, my can believe it. Oh, man, yeah. Oh, my God. Dude, yeah.

Socialists, listen up. Oh, my God. If there's 75% humidity, the meters are off. You took a half-court shot from a different court and drained it, and then the ricochet bounced in again. That was amazing. My dude, Tom, you're an inspiration. Yeah, I use basketball references.

I love that idea. Yeah. All right, let's dip, Tom, you're an inspiration. Yeah, I use basketball references. I love that idea. Yeah. All right, let's dip in some of our voicemails. Hi, this is Gina from Chicago. Thanks for everything you do. I just wanted to ask, would you rather reverse one decision you make per day or stop time for 10 seconds? Thanks. Bye.

That's a good one. Oh, yeah, this is Gina. We know Gina. We don't have to say why, but yeah, one. This is Gina. We know Gina. We don't have to say why, but yeah, I love you, Gina. Yeah, fucking... Damn, Gina. What's up, dude? Thanks for... Good to hear from you. You sound well? Yeah. That's a good question. Hey, Gina, this sounds stupid.

I would definitely stop time for 10 seconds. Like a day or just in general? Yeah, stop time for 10 seconds a day. Or you can reverse one decision you made a day. I think reversing one decision, I don't know what that looks like exactly. Yeah, stop time for 10 seconds a day. Or you can reverse one decision you made a day. I think reversing one decision, I don't know what that looks like exactly. Yeah, which is why I'm picking that. You'll be on some butterfly effect shit.

I think stopping time lets you know when you just fucked something up. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like stopping time is just giving me more fucking of an opportunity to linger in this poor decision. Let's assume, let's go ahead and assume the best, okay? Let's assume you can reverse one decision consequence-free. No fucking butterfly effect, no fiat anything.

This is what, what do you guys do? No consequences. You could just go like, I shouldn't have eaten that burrito. Yeah, I think I go reverse the decision. You go reverse the decision. I go reverse the decision because every day I go, oh boy, I wish I didn't send that text or say that thing. Not one time during the day. I was like, I wish i was 10 seconds

alive longer so i'm gonna go my idea would be i would like try to do like some like kind of superhero we shit totally totally and go like you know go walk up to the crime scene and then just snap my fingers run and take the guy's gun and then you know throw it in the bushes and run away or whatever you're really overestimating your ability to leave your room here but yeah if i could stop time for 10 seconds. I've also got shit to do, asshole. I was trying to make a funny. I don't actually hate you. I love you, buddy.

He's in some good ground here because that is a good point. You could just fucking stop. Somebody's pulling money out the ATM. Fucking stop 10 seconds. Snatch them. I love that you and me are like, let's commit crime. I'll be a legitimately good man. We're like, whatever, faggot. I'm getting a McDouble from McDonald's.

I need superpowers. I hope I'm not even like, oh, I could just rob a bank while the vault is open. You're like, no, I'll just rob a guy who just went to an ATM. I'm going to steal 40 bucks from a guy who really needs it. That's my plan. I would feel bad if I took the other one, because if I had that power, I could presumably do some cool things. Also, selfishly, I guess if I was on stage and someone heckled me

or something I could like buy myself some time to whip up a really you know strong zinger if I didn't Ten seconds. Yeah.

Yeah. If I didn't spot you know I'd need two or three and I could you know do it a couple times a set. I don't think ten seconds is enough time

to stop a crime regularly. It could be though. I mean you got to play that's part of the that's part of the that's what makes the show exciting. You know.

I think overall reverse decision is the more useful one on a day to day basis. I think so. I can't be trusted. I think I could do more good with the time stopping now. I'm going to go with the flip. I could do more good by. Will this convince you if I say that you guys could. Oh, you could grope people, you know.

Yeah. OK, now we could finally see what Tom's dick looks like. Now we're talking like if we stop talking now we're talking no i'm i think you made a good choice connor i'm i'm going i'm just too morally dubious to have the fucking to have the fucking 10 seconds yeah keith and i are fucking addict criminals we are we are going for the greater good by picking the one that's not a superpower yeah exactly yeah i mean i i also believe that, like, okay, I would probably do less damage. Like, as someone who takes very little risk in his life when he's not talking,

I would probably live better if I was like, I'm going to take that. I'd feel more free to be like, oh, yeah, I'll jaywalk tonight, you know? And then if I don't get hit by a car, I don't revert, you know what I mean? I love that that's the decision that you regret the most sometimes is jaywalking. I'm trying to think of something that's not going to make everyone sad. You fucking Hank Hill? All right. Next voicemail. That's a good cue, man.

Hello, boys. It's Josh from Connecticut. I'm not entirely sure if my first question went through. So I'm just going to ask again. What is your process for writing a joke? And this goes to everyone. I hear Ramsey's on this podcast. So that's it.

Thank you for the great content. I laugh my ass off all the time. And have a wonderful day. I stab a guy and wonder where the ideas come from. You dumb bitch. You think you're getting my secret recipe scrammed. Yeah, eat shit. That'll teach you to love me. Yeah, you don't get to know the ideas come from. You dumb bitch. You think you're getting my secret recipe? Scram. Yeah, eat shit. That'll teach you to love me.

Yeah, yeah. You don't get to know the formula. I want to thank Josh. By the way, as I have a bunch of words about 9-11 thumbtacked to my walls. I want to personally thank Josh for sounding like he's impersonating a guy who lives in Connecticut. Oh, yeah. Well, some people sound like they're trying to leave voicemails really quietly so their parents don't hear and start hitting them again. Yeah, just write a bunch and you'll find a way that works for you.

Everyone's process is different. Yeah, I assume you're talking about like a stand-up joke. It's just trial and error. You kind of just, if you don't get on stage, you'll never realize what works and what doesn't. Just sitting around writing is kind of useless without trying it. If you want to learn to just write joke jokes, just fucking make

a Twitter account and start following people and trying to make shit happen or whatever. Yeah. That's what we did. With stand-up, what I tend to do

is have a basic idea for what you want to do, maybe one or two sort of little tags and then just go on stage, fuck around, you'll panic and find something and you can start

building it from there. Josh, I've been furiously taking notes while these three are talking so they've taught me a lot right now all right mean boys what's up short bus murphy oh hell yeah on the side of a mountain in pennsylvania four days when the force papers came in i got my fucking face stolen last night. Peach Music Festival. It's been fucking ridiculous. Twiddle, fucking Moe, Umphreys McGee, Kitchen Dwellers, J-Rad. I can't even name them all.

It's been fucking insane. I accidentally slept through Pigeon's Lane ping pong the first night. That was kind of fucked up. But, I don't know. Just felt like I'd call and share the fucking good vibes. My favorite fucking podcast. Love you fucking guys. I'm going to go find one of these funny and see if they got my L.

Fuck everything. God is dead. All right. Yeah. Thanks for the postcard. Short Buzz Murphy. That was nice. Short Buzz Murphy.

Was he talking about bands or drugs? He's like, I was doing Gitch and Trainers. I couldn't tell. Yeah. Dong Whizzlers. Short Buzz Murphy here just reminding you that I am, in fact, a goon. Doing arcade fireflies. I don't know if this is possible, but Shortbuzz Murphy sounds like he bruised his own denim.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, yep, I got to flip the stain or else it'll come out uneven again. Was one of those bands slash drugs called Pigeons Playing Ping Pong? Yeah, yeah. I think it might have said Bitches Playing Ping Pong. I think it said Pigeons on the predictive text. Well, the predictive text makes some bold choices sometimes. Yeah, it sure does. It does, but I think it was Pigeons.

That's what I heard, at least. I'm more offended by Pigeons than Bitches, I really am. I want to thank Short Buzz Murphy for being our spirit animal. That was, uh, yeah, man. I like to think of him as my spiritual advisor. He's my Reverend Wright. I don't know who that is. I imagine Short Bus Murphy.

God bless America, Short Bus America. It's in the Bible. I imagine Short Bus Murphy is the only guy who looks as scummy as my voice sounds. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it's really weird that your voice doesn't come out of Devin Costa. Ramsey, you look like Bang Boss Murphy. Yeah, you really would have the perfect kind of like just vocal tenor for like, you know, talking women

into doing sex acts for like small amounts of money. Totally, absolutely. You're $60 and fives. Well, you also use hair products, which helps. Here's 40 bucks if you let me put my hand on your knee. I realize I have the voice. You gotta work, you gotta ease your way in. Like realize I have the voice. You got to work. You got to ease your way in like a squeamish kid getting in a cold pool.

I realize I have the voice of a guy who's waiting to get home so he can get to a can of beans. Yeah, yeah. You're just like, ooh, boy, that trash can fire's crackling. I got to go before those boil over, and I got to go steal another one with my time-stopping abilities. Oh, God bless me. Hey, mean boys. Hey. Hey, I wish... I'm drunk as fuck. I just wanted to let you know

you are one of the funniest motherfuckers out there. We are collectively one of... We're each one-third of the funniest motherfuckers, guys. Keep up the fucking funny work. Keith, I wanna fuck you. Keith, I want to fuck you. Tom, I want to kiss you. And the other man, I don't know.

I guess slap you? But yeah, keep up the good work. You are funny motherfuckers. You're better than anything that's out there. And I'm drunk, so you know I'm telling the truth. So keep it up. But goddamn, I look forward to every week listening to you. Love you.

Yeah, I'm drunk. Bye. Bye. I love that we love you too, Dan. Wait, what was that? He just said, I'm drunk. Bye. I love that we get so many sexually aggressive voicemails from drunk dudes. You know what I appreciate, though? We are the internet's ex-girlfriend. We really are. You know what I appreciate, though?

They seem to tone it down whenever we have a female guest on. As long as you sexually harass us, we're fine with it. Yeah, we're in game. Yeah, so say it, Keith, Tom,

and the other one. I want to let everybody... He was so horny for me, he couldn't remember my name. I feel like it's important to let people, the Mean Boys fans know this. You don't have to leave

your voicemail from a pay phone. Everybody who calls and leaves a voicemail, it sounds like they're doing it from the precinct and that's their one call. Hey, Mean Boys, I'm in a windmill.

I'm a wind tunnel right now. Anyway, I just wanted to know if you guys could be any Pokemon, which one would you fuck? Okay. Hey, Mean Boys, this is my one call. So I just wanted to let you guys know, fuck everything. God is dead, and I'll be gone for ten years. That's something that's happened to us. That's a true story, Ramsey. He's so funny. I'm so jealous for 10 years. That's something that's happened to us. That's a true story, Ramsey.

He's so funny. I'm so jealous of you guys. Apparently, you're only a fan in South Florida, which you have got me as you apparently created me. But if you're doing anything to us, or anything like you said, I'll come. I go to Central Florida often. I mean, to hang out with you.

That Santa Claus is more real to you. I don't know what the fuck he's saying. Were you talking into your sandwich thinking it was a phone? I heard South Florida. Are you talking into your sandwich thinking it was a phone? We couldn't hear anything. Are you in the witness protection program? I'm calling you live from inside a large tin can. I'm contributing anonymously to a documentary about a terrible crime. My face is in silhouette right now.

Call us again, dude. We couldn't hear shit. I'm from Miami. Give my regards to all the boys. This is your boy, Deep Throat. I believe that the Nixon administration is covering up a terrible burglar. My question is, which Yu-Gi-Oh could beat up Tom? They're called monsters.

I don't care. Hey, mean boys, this is the person who broke that kid's arm. A good girl. Oh, wait, no, it's not. Kid's arm. Oh, wait, no, it's not. Wait, no, sorry, back this up. I missed the beginning.

Hey, mean boys, this is the's not. The kid's arm. Oh, wait, no, it's not. Wait, no, sorry, back this up. I missed the beginning. So I'm, hey, Mean Boys, this is the person who broke that kid's arm last time. So I'm getting out of college, or I'm getting out of high school, going to college, and I'm trans, and I want to start transitioning at the beginning of high school my mom told me oh you can't get therapy or anything to like pursue transition transitioning oh sick uh because you got your debt cps called on your dad which i did because he wouldn't stop hitting us uh but so she wouldn't risk let me go to therapy then i figured out now that i can transition, like, just with some form. So anyway, my question is, okay, with all three big armies from Lord of the Rings, okay, if they had a beer pong tournament. Yeah, what's the fudge lord sign? French shit.

But now my mom's telling me, oh, you need to go to therapy and pay for it yourself. So do I, like, bother with therapy at this point? Or since I more or less know what's wrong, do I just, like, go ahead and transition? All right. Thanks. I have a real piece of advice to give this person. I do, too. Yeah, same.

Don't fucking waste your time with this bullshit. If you want to transition, transition. Because this, like, world of, like, maybe I'll do it of maybe I'll do it, just do it. Just do it. I don't think doing anything halfway is any way to be happy. And it's like you're your own fucking person. You're getting out of the nest, which sounds like it's a really toxic environment and you need to do. And guess what?

If you try it and some of you feel pretty sure about it and you don't like it, you can just fucking start wearing pants again. It's not that big of a goddamn deal. You sound hot, too. Yeah, yeah. We did all our years perk up and just go, oh, ladies. Yeah, you could easily be a phone sex operator. I mean, I was really turned on just by the voice. So God bless you.

Do it. Don't fucking waste time. Yeah, live your truth. Yeah, you're young. I know so many queer and trans people who didn't come out and didn't deal with all their shit until way later. And always were like, I wish I would have just done this when I was younger and not spent so long being unsure of myself. You know what your fucking deal is?

This is not a great time right now in America for us, but it's still the best time it's ever been to be one of us. So just fucking go for it. People will have your back. There are resources for you. Go to therapy if it helps you. Don't go to therapy for somebody to give you permission to identify as who you feel like you are. 100%. Yeah. Don't let somebody

talk you out of what you know is your truth because you probably have fucking shit going on with you separate of being trans, but being trans is not your mental age. When you get into that dorm room, before you even set up the Ikea furniture, I want you to go shave your legs and put on some lipstick. And I'll be goddamned if I – I think you'll feel better.

Yeah, there's such a thing of like anytime somebody sees a queer person with issues, they're going, well, the issue is that you're queer. It's like, no, no, no, no. They can be separate things. Be wary of that shit. Don't let anybody tell you you're wrong. And have your ducks in a row too. That's the other thing. That's the practical advice of like, I'm with you.

You're going to transition. Let's do it. But like, you know, be ready. Be ready for whatever might happen after that. If that means you're going to get excommunicated from mom and dad, that's cool. Have your savings account ready to go. Have some money. You know what I mean? Like, be practical so you're not like just blindsided with nothing. Yeah, be reasonable.

Play the game a little bit. Yeah. Which is like a shitty piece of advice to have to give. But mean it's like it is it's scary it's you know perfect world we all get accepted by who we want and everything's fine but the reality is you got to figure out where you're going to stay and what you're going to do yeah you know yeah do what you have to make shit work but uh you know be true to who you are don't fucking bury that for anybody yeah absolutely and i yeah i agree with keith about about don't let it you know going to the therapist for the trans stuff. That's not necessary.

But it sounds like you've dealt with a bunch of shit throughout your life that maybe a therapist would be helpful for. And I think just seeing one for that, no one should treat you that way. And having a therapist help you guide through that could help you. I think you should do that. Yeah. I mean, if you want to email us to figure out where you live and see if anybody on the airwaves knows of any low-cost options, you know,

with discreetly enough to not blow up your spot because there are, to some degree, options available for that shit that's, you know, in a low-end price range if that's something you feel like you need to do

because you've overcome a lot, all right? And the Mean Boys are proud of you and we want you to go fucking be happy. So go do that. You son of a bitch. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Dean Denton.

Seeing how Connor is a piggy eater, I was wondering what his opinion on shrimp and fish and chips are. Thank you for your service. I already implied I support the trans community. Honestly, after listening to all our voicemails, I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't want to be

a dude anymore either. Jesus fucking Christ. I love shrimp. I like shrimp, all right? Yeah. I like a fried shrimp, like a cocktail shrimp,

like just an unfried shrimp. You just said you didn't like fried stuff. Was that the question? Do we like shrimp? Well, yeah, I mean, fried stuff,

like fair novelty fried stuff. It was about me, yeah, and fish and chips. Like the fried cod or whatever is okay. It's not my favorite, but I can eat it, I mean, fried stuff, like fair novelty fried stuff. It was about me, yeah, and fish and chips. The fried cod or whatever is okay. It's not my favorite, but I can eat it. I mean, originally, all fried food was novelty. It's just, you know.

Tom, I'm not getting into frying semantics with you right now. It's frying history. It's different. Not again. Tom's version of my accomplishment is going to be called Friumph of the Willow. All right. Hi, Mean Boys.

It's Josh from Connecticut again. My question to all of you is, what is your process for running? Oh, yeah. He said this is the first email he didn't think we got. We're just a little backed up. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, Josh. I didn't mean to get on you. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Jacob from Alabama, and my question is mainly for Tom, but I want Connor and Keith to answer, too. Hello.

What is your favorite type of sword, and which one that you don't own would you like to have? Thanks. Ooh. God damn it, I hit it. Oh, no, I love this. I have one of the kill-yourself samurai knives, but having a full samurai sword would be pretty cool.

Those are pretty badass. What are those called, Tom? Samurai swords. Katana. There you sword. Katana. There you go. Katana. Yeah, yeah. I mixed up the sushi thing, too.

But yeah, I'm going to go katana. I also like medieval shit. Okay. But yeah, I'd probably go katana. I have a broadsword. It's more like a novelty broadsword. I don't think it... I mean, the point will kill you, but the blade won't.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I'd probably go, pure don't have, probably katana. Also, shout out to the guy who gave me the kill yourself knife. Appreciate it. Yeah, I'd like a nice machete, I think, you know, just to keep under the bed in case shit goes down. I got a machete. Yeah, I have no real need for point. As I'm not planning to engage in the purge.

Yeah, well, that's what you think. The purge engages you, fuckface. Just to stay on brand. Or Yakov Purgeoff. Just to stay on brand, I'll take one of those curly swords. Oh, a Chris? Yeah, an Arabian Dead. A scimitar?

Yeah, so you can spread your hummus with it. So you can fucking, you can raz Aladdin. All right. We got a few more. Hey, who would win? Cucks or incels? No response, though. Like, hey, fuck you, pal.

Yeah, yeah. Incels, they have way more pent-up rage. Yeah. Yeah, cucks are lovers, not fighters. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

They share love too much. Yeah, incels. They want it more. I'd root for the cucks, but the incels would win. Yeah, yeah. They share love too much. Yeah, incels. They want it more. I'd root for the cucks, but the incels would win. Well, yeah, cucks are children. Incels are kind of facts. Yeah. They're kind of the Yankees of disenfranchised male activists.

I mean, they really just... It depends if the incels have cars. They have cars in this situation? You know... Oh, boy. People that don't fuck are scarily productive. I'm going with cucks. I'm actually going to go with cucks.

I proved that wrong, boy. People that don't fuck are scarily productive. I'm going with cuck. I'm actually going to go with cuck. I proved that wrong, sir. There's a deep-seated sort of emptiness inside of a cuck that I think is greater than the incel. The incel is just fearful. That is best filled with a knife. Attack, brothers. The incel is just fearful. He's a man who could experience life, but they're too scared. The cuck is trying to fucking plug holes. It does take a certain amount of confidence., he's trying to get some big black guy to plug holes.

It does take a certain amount of confidence. It seems like they're getting filled pretty heavily. To let a guy fuck your wife. There's something kind of metal about that. Absolutely. It's like cutting your spirit. That guy's got a Vietnam thousand-yard stare, I feel like. Yeah, I think you're just like Caligula at that point.

You're like, yes, entertain me. Here's the problem with that question. The Cucks would bring in a better army to go fight the war against the incels. Look, the Cucks know a black guy, so they're going to win the fight. Well, at the end of the day, the incels are playing more Warhammer 40K, and they know strategy. So I think they might. Yeah, Tom, that's the problem with the question.

I think the incels have more raw rage and fighting power. I think the Cucks have more strategy and just general decency. I'm going with the Cucks. I'm going with the incels. This sounds like it could be our 2020 election. It probably will be. This is a real

underselling version of West Side Story. in the mail about your car's extended warranty. Since we have not gotten a response, we are giving you

a final courtesy call. What's the next thing to do with that? Yeah. Okay, yeah. We'll do these other ones later. We had so many. But yeah, that's the voicem these other ones later we had so many

but yeah that's the voicemails fucking sorry for making fun of you guys we love you good luck with your transition and all that shit nice to hear from you

transitioning from cuck to incel yeah yeah yeah y'all seem cool man yeah leave us a voicemail 304-805-ME I always get a big kick out of the voicemails I was glad we got to blow

through some of them they're so fun we have more for next week but keep leaving us more I fucking I genuinely love our fans. You guys are fucking morons, but you're my kind of morons and I love it. You're the fucking greatest, guys.

We appreciate you. We love you guys. Oh, yeah, and somebody on Twitter told me to do this, but I forget. I'll do it next week. Happy birthday to somebody, I think. Believe it or not, it was Trosh or something. I'm not kidding. Okay, there you go.

Trosh. What do we have to kidding. Okay, there you go. All right, what do we have to plug, boys? August 9th, the Big Lebowski in Portland, Oregon. Live Mean Boys podcast. August 10th, Mean Boys stand-up show at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington. Me and Connor will also be up there doing a few different dates in the Pacific Northwest. We'll be announcing those very soon. September 6th, 7th, and 8th, I will be down in San Diego.

Check out my Facebook and Twitter for more details on very soon. September 6th, 7th, and 8th, I will be down in San Diego. Check out my Facebook and Twitter for more details on that soon. And October 14th and 15th, I will be at Laughs in Tucson, Arizona. Yeah. Come see those live Mean Boys shows and then I'm doing shit, but I'll plug it a different time. What's up, Tom? Yeah. August 5th, 6th, and 7th, I will be

in Clovis at the Chico's and Grog's. Go to my Facebook for more information. And then September 26th, 20th, and 29th, I will be at the Madhouse. 26th, I'm doing a longer set, so come on out to that. Hell yeah. In San Diego. Thank you.

I got two sets. I got some dates. If you're in the Los Angeles area, come to a live. Now is not the time. August 19th. Fuck yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm not camping that day.

Please come if you can come. And then if you're in the El Paso area, I'll be there from September 13th through 16th. And then I'll be in Houston from September 21st to 23rd. Other than that, also also please download my podcast, The Big Ass Ramdog Show. Episode one, Connor and Keith are guests, and it was a lot of fun, and we had a great time, and it'll be out on Wednesday.

Follow me on Twitter, at RamsBad, and then also follow Twitter, slash BigAssRamdog. Yeah, do that shit, guys. Oh, yeah, and GossGoss6, follow me. Ramsey finally pulled the damn trigger, and it was a lot of fun. I'm very happy for you. I know it looks like I'm ignoring you guys, because I have to face a different direction due to our microphone setup.

And also because you're just doing stuff on Facebook. It's fine, I'm also the only person standing and I have to pee. We're all in a story. I gotta pee too. Let's wrap this up. Fuck everything, God is this.