Mean Boys - EP 144 - Neck Fupa (feat. Nicole Becannon & Ramsey Badawi)

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

Get tickets to our live show in Portland, OR on August 9th: https://eventbrite.com/e/mean-boys-live-the-big-legrowlski-in-portland-or-10pm-tickets-47943987758 Listen to The BARD Show: https://soundcloud.com/bigassramdog Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel : https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Ramsey Badawi on Twitter: twitter.com/ramsbad Follow our guest Nicole Becannon on Twitter: twitter.com/nicolebecannon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

who nelly connor and tom on the intro two people one intro yeah no fate nothing yeah oh what a strong start uh napa valley with his girlfriend gearing up for the big mean boys pacific northwest run oh shit guys uh august 9th come out to uh portland oregon uh we're at the big lagralski uh a lot of 10pm. Yeah, I'm excited. Handlebar mustaches all around. Yeah, yeah. Straight up, people just fucking whacked out on cold brew. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, all the other

various lukewarm stereotypes about the people of Portland. Hipster mugs. Yeah, man. Oh, dude, put a bird on it. Fedoras. Yeah. If you guys are ready to be taking the fuck down with hot riffs like these grab a uh a ten dollar ticket uh and the link in the show notes and then jai tai in seattle washington heroin friday yeah yeah dude yeah we're gonna i want to try

some authentic bands in the garage seattle heroinin. I want to fucking invent a new genre of music while I'm there. I want to meet Frazier. I definitely think I should meet Frazier. I don't know who Frazier is. He's from the show Frazier. Frazier Crane. Oh, I know he had a show. One of the most popular sitcoms of all time.

You're thinking of Bones? No. Yeah, no. Nothing to do with Bones. I'm pretty sure all character actors and bit parts, walk-on extras included, nobody from the program Frasier has ever been on the program Bones. Maybe I'm wrong. I would love it if you tweet me some Frasier Bones analysis.

It sounds like that would be a name in Bones. I'll be honest, I've never seen Bones, but I know it's a show. Tom, your preconceived notions of things are puzzling sometimes. So yeah, come out to those live motherfucking events. Nothing puzzling that those are going to be great shows. Dude, Tom.

See? Slick segues. I've hosted a mic once or twice. I've brought some people up at the Carmen Bar before. And yeah, what else is going on? Leave us a review on iTunes. We're only 70 reviews away from our 400 iTunes review goal of doing an interview with Keith's mother. So get on that shit because I want that interview.

I do too. Do it for me, if nothing else. And if you think that I'm not going to make it wildly uncomfortable and just ask if Keith's mom has heard about various... Dog stories? Horrible things that have happened in Keith's life, you know, and just ask her what her process was when she was, you know, getting married after a Buca de Pepo incident. Then, yeah, you are wrong. That's exactly what I'm going to do. It's going to be some gotcha.

It's going to be some real TMZ shit. Yeah. Hopefully Keith doesn't listen to this episode and know that you might be problematic. Well, here's another one. How about you try to stop me, Keith? How about you do that? Do it. Try to stop me.

I support both of you. Try to stop me from journalism, my life's passion. So, yeah, this reviewer writes, Izuni Y. Connor, five stars. Stop ripping off nick mullen hurtful uh i got a kick out of that one uh so yeah go leave us a a little uh negative uh comment or whatever with a five-star review uh and we will really appreciate it or just say good things about me say good things about tom I've never received a single complaint about you on the show that wasn't from me. I've gotten stairs from people.

I know what I say. Oh, yeah. Sometimes we do live shows, and they'll be really excited to see two of us. And then they're like, yeah, Connor, you're also here. There's a few people that just are like, I like two-thirds of the Mean Boys. Yeah, yeah. I wish you... Yeah. So, yeah, go leave us a review.

And fuck with us on Patreon. Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content every Thursday. Another hour of bullshitting with your favorite boys, keeping you company at your factory job or your courier delivery service in Pittsburgh. I like to shout out specific...

Or is that Philly? I think that was Philly. That was Philly. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to start shouting out specific people on their jobs just to freak them out. Yeah. If you're... Shit.

If you're... I don't know. I'll do it. If you're missing a parent in Chicago... This is where I forget. If you're missing a parent and you're single, Tom has a reputation of dating girls with no dad. That's not where this was going. I know.

I'm just trying to get Tom. I'm trying to get you laid, bro. This is a weird way to do it. Keith found love from the podcast. That's it. If you're a half orphan and you get wet for big, strong 1920s looking athlete guys with one tattoo yeah they're pretty good nirvana shirt yeah yeah you fucking you sliding the gosgosh sixes dm this is okay sorry tom no that was funny that was funny i was trying to and we're funny on patreon we got great bonus content every week every time you

actually do a good segue i I'm fasting right now. It just fucking kills me. It's never even like you're doing it bad. I'm just surprised. Usually you're complaining that you don't know what Frasier is. A very ubiquitous sitcom. I didn't even know it was a sitcom. I thought it was a cartoon.

Yeah, no, I'm fasting so I can remember things today. Yeah, with Tom Fast, he turns into fucking like Reed Richards. He gets so smart. I'm never going to forget some of the Patreon episodes we put out. There was one with the whole house together. That was pretty funny. We've got great merch for the $10 tier. We do other stuff for more money. We've got a sticker, a bumper sticker that may or may not be pretty offensive to Tom.

Oh, the Van damme academy one academy bumper stickers and guess what guys those are already made they're sitting in my damn room and i have a printer now so i sent these motherfuckers out lickety split connor's so proud of his printer yeah we also have a decal of uh me and keith pissing on connor uh drawn up very beautifully and uh yeah it really works a month give you some give you some videos like that yeah what else is going on fill out our email list uh we want to come see you guys on tour but we got to know where you are so we don't lose money because we're all fucking poor so go tell us the closest major city you're willing to drive out to csn how many friends you got and whether or not

we can crash into your couch and we'll try to set up a mean boy show in your neck of the damn woods yeah fill out the things the live shows are always fun and we want to go to you we don't like being in la we like being on the road performing for people who enjoy what we do so fucking you got to tell us if you want us to come yeah yeah and uh enjoy the uh the conversations over on the mean boys subreddit our mean boys uh you can see it's it's branched off into just people talking about other things which i enjoy that's i think that's success on the reddit yeah yeah yeah it's more it's more of like a um it's kind of like a suicide hotline but like a like a yellow light of a suicide hotline where it's like the suicide yield yeah yeah you know people uh you know put just posting hank hill memes they enjoy and the different different youtube clips that remind them of tom you know

just stuff like that and it's a good time and uh yeah follow follow us on fucking Instagram and Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast on everything, including Facebook. Throw us a like over there. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. All the shows are up on YouTube. So if you like to listen to your podcast that way, I think you're weird. But you know what? I don't judge.

I get it. You got to trust the tube. And this this week, we got a really fun episode with our very own Ramsey. But now we host of the Big Ass Ramdog Show. That's up on iTunes now. Give him a subscribe. And Nicole Buchanan, who fucking just finished taping for Roast Battle, which should be out, what, next week?

Something like that. She should be out pretty soon. She's fantastic. I can't wait for you guys to see that. It was a beautiful moment, and our girl showed out in a big way. So they were a lot of fun. It was a nice, loose, lazy episode. Yeah, even Eli Sayers did like, what's his Seinfeld dude, Kramer?

He Kramer'd us to try to give us Red Stripe and then disappeared? Eli's currently sleeping in the basement. So yeah, maybe we'll do something with Eli before he leaves. Yeah. Yeah. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode of Mean Boys with Ramsey Badawi and Nicole Buchanan. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Nothing lasts forever, so hate it while you can. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The only person

who would agree to do this on eight hours notice. You were available as hell. Yeah. Damn, girl, you straight up gettable. I ain't got shit going on. Nicole Buchanan joins us in the studio. Fresh off becoming Roast Battle's newest star

at the Fonda Theater last night. You were so great. I can't wait for people to see that oh thank you i don't think i'm nearly as big of a star as you're in keith's dicks but i mean my heart is oh no you're a you're a bigger star than did i outshine their dicks i mean keith's dick was i think overshadowed by his stomach logistically i didn't even have to pull my dick out so i mean you're the most lovable person in a fight with a guy with cerebral palsy. How do you out-likeable someone who has all the pathos of an America's Got Talent winner? That was very impressive. I have no idea.

I beat up on a cripple and somehow got away with it. Yeah, shout out to Joe Urell, also repping for Orange County. Yeah, OC was in the house. I know. Yeah, it's funny. We all used to talk in the OC comedy know yeah it's funny we all we all used to talk in in the oc comedy yeah we all just shit on each other mercilessly oh yeah we're all just that was we were all just pieces of shit to one another ever since i started out there we're all

like man they're gonna make it like a documentary about us someday like we're actually gonna do stuff and then it was funny we're looking at the the font a lot of you're like oh we kind of pulled it pulled us off a little bit yeah yeah when i was in hair and makeup like they were they asked me where i was from and they were like oh there was another person here from orange and another person and i was like yeah there were a lot of us here uh with robin tran and olivia and yeah if you want if you want cunty white people you go to the motherfucking source hell yeah comedy center found the damn wellspring of negativity. Yeah. No, it really does encapsulate everything our scene was about when we started, which was just being so fucking vicious to each other. Oh, and we like, it wouldn't be a thing of like, you're ugly looking.

It would be like, here's what's wrong with your personality that you don't even realize other people know. Yeah. And I'm going to say it to everybody because you don't even realize other people know. Yeah. And I'm going to say it to everybody because you took a bite of my sandwich. It was just for the most arbitrary shit. We would attack each other's truest character flaws. Oh, you'll go fucking deep on like the, I remember one of the meanest things you said to me was, I was making fun of Keith's pant size and then you were like, what size do you wear, Nicole?

A pair of juicy sweatpants that someone left at your ex-boyfriend's or another girl that your ex-boyfriend was fucking left at his house or some shit like that. That was deep because it was too real. I think it's all her hand-me-downs from her ex-boyfriend's sidekick.

You really can't hurt us at this point. Yeah. It was a very beautiful night. Yeah You really can't hurt us at this point Yeah It was a very beautiful night I try to be nice and even I got pretty fucking cunty To people There was one time I was hammered at one of the Shows in OC

And a guy at the time who's my friend He kept coming up to me and trying to talk To me and I just turned around and was like I should even fucking know you and walked away which was i've like i've gotten a lot so rude i've gotten a lot better because like tom like remembers a little bit of it like oh i do keith opium ramsay got an evan you know they all know the fucking the old the super brutal shit that i used to do yeah yeah yeah we're having dinner and like you know like there's like there's like people hanging out

after a show or something and one guy I didn't really know was there and he kind of interrupts and starts telling a boring story and I was just like, I'm sorry, who the fuck are you? And it was just like, what a preposterously cunty thing to say.

The first time I ever like saw you is we were at that, I forgot the name of the club, at Temecula. Oh, Aces. Aces, yeah, Aces. And that rest in peace. And that dude, some dude just came up to you and tried to give you a high five.

You did the too cool, like, brush your hand behind your hair. The dude just, like, you look like. He was, like, devastated. Yeah, his face looked like you shit in his mom's mouth. He looked so bummed out. I learned that move from Jamal Johnson, Cali Stacks, my rapper buddy.

It's not a unique... He used to do that shit to me. It's not, yeah, yeah. It's not a unique move, but just the way you did it... It's so fucking disrespectful. You also did it in a way where you're like,

yeah, I'm not kidding. Like... Like, they just kind of stared at him like, what the fuck are you going to say now? It is sad when you look at how I treat people now and you're like, wow, there's been a lot of personal growth.

Did I tell you this? That when I met you, I was still dating my ex. You had done a show that I ran at UCLA. I did a show you hosted at Flappers. We had met several times and you walked up to me and introduced yourself to me because you were talking to him and then I was like, we've met like ten times. I did a show that you hosted and you did a show

that I hosted. People telling the story of how they met me is always the worst fucking shit. It's never good. It's never like you helped me find parking and gave me a hug. It's always like... I mean, my actually beating you story is pretty... And then you were like, well, you don't have to be a cunt about it.

Be more memorable then. I did that shit. My cousin Dylan was dating this chick named Brittany. And I accidentally called her Brandy. We've been hanging out all day. My name's Brittany. I was like, bitch, you should be more memorable. I just started doing this bit for her.

That's so fucking funny. Preacher Lawson, when I first met him, just thought it would be fun. It took me a while to figure out he was doing it on purpose. He would just call me a different white girl name every time he'd talk to me. He'd be like, Brittany. I'd be like, Nicole. And I'd just keep sincerely correcting him. And then I realized he was doing it on purpose.

Jamar did that with me for a long time. I was doing it for a while where as soon as I would meet people, I would just start bringing up theories about how the Holocaust was over-exaggerated. Which is a funny idea. It's not a good thing to do in practice.

See, a lot of times when I meet people for the first time, I get very much in a mean boys Tom mode where I just start rambling on the ass. I'm like, you guys like pizza? Like, just super making it awkward. I'm not usually. I'm sure your fans love that. Yeah.

Well, I've gotten better about it. People are like, Tom can't believe he's talking to them and that can't believe he's talking to Tom. Yeah. It's kind of like a weird autism showdown. It feels like Bigfoot met the Loch Ness Monster. It's like, I thought you were just rumors. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm a big fan of your postcards or whatever. It's great because I always think I'm like really nice to people. But then like later on when people actually get to know me, they'll always tell me that they thought I hated them. Yeah. So I think I don't know if I just have like a bitch face or I think I'm just always in my head. So I'm just like not. You don't think I hated them. Yeah. So I think, I don't know if I just have, like, a bitch face, or I think I'm just always in my head, so I'm just, like, not. They think it's them. Yeah, they think it's them.

I get the whole sense of fucks. I started to learn that it's, like, not everyone, like, you know, just from when we started and shit, and just, like, that was where I learned social skills was the Orange County Comedy Seed because before that I'd talked to the same three people for my entire adolescence. Right. I had my three shitty buddies. We'd be shitty to each other.

Yeah. And then just in the last couple of years, I've been like, oh, maybe don't walk up to someone and say what their outfit is like. Like, you know, let's build a rapport here. Yeah. No, I've been trying to be better about just, like, you know, not isolating in social situations and talking to new people. Oh, yeah. The party time is... Yeah.

You're mingling. Yeah. I mean, you still take a pensive stand in the corner and freak everybody out. Smoke break from time to time. Yeah. I mean, I just don't know. I don't know how to... Sometimes there's just too many people and...

Oh, I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if I have asperger's or something they told me they told me i didn't but they also told me i had a lot of things that i didn't have so yeah medical science does not apply to you you know what i mean like the standard rubrics for like evaluating health of any kind.

You throw that shit out the window. I am the doctor's riddler. I fucking, yeah, I make no sense. I'm pretty sure if they took a cat's cat, they'd be like, well, your kidneys are where your lungs are supposed to be. But it's all working. Yeah, you're actually breathing with your liver somehow. But yeah, it's all working. So, I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

It's just a trash bag full of organs inside a human being. liver somehow. But yeah, it's all working. So, I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Yeah. It's just a trash bag full of organs inside a human being. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it looks like this very first draft kind of like, you know. Yeah. In the beginning, guys. You're like one of those weird Italian cars. You're like, oh, the motor's in the trunk, and then the trunk is in the front. But somehow it's beautiful, like a Picasso.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're like a Picasso. Sexy Picasso. Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. Like a Picasso. Sexy Picasso. Yeah, no, I'm a, yeah, it's fucking, it's, I'm finally, I think I'm getting, I feel like all of us to an extent are kind of fucking coneheads when we talk to people. Yeah. There's a little bit of like, is this what you do now?

Yeah. Like, still a bit of that. I mean, it definitely, it definitely says, it speaks volumes when we don't have Keith on an episode and the three people in the studio are just talking about how they don't talk to other people good. Yeah. I think we're all getting better at it. I think we are getting better at it, yeah. I had kind of a funny moment.

There was this guy that ran the Ontario Improv, and I performed there a lot when I was younger and starting out. And he was randomly at the Madhouse like a few like like a month ago and i did a show there he was work doing some levity thing and uh yeah i was talking to him afterwards just catching up and he's like it's funny when i saw you at the improv all your shit was about how you couldn't talk to girls and now all your jokes are about pussy i was like i would come a long way you know yeah yeah that was all my fuck i had all the the fucking i'm an awkward uh man it's hard because it's hard I think you gain a lot of confidence

Through doing this shit It's just like I've gotten a lot of practice Having to be a human being You go to a gig You meet the promoter You figure out what he looks like from his Facebook picture You talk and you find some comedy It's been a good kind of autism boot camp

Stand up comedy You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's good. Yeah, we're all autistic in our hearts a little bit. Yeah, it's all... Interactions.

Yeah. Not a fan. No. So we were doing the Tate the Roast battle this week. Yeah, the two killers on the... Two of the many killers. Tom's my agent now. Have you heard of the McSpaddy?

Yes. Who hasn't heard of the McSpaddy? Tony Hinchquist started calling me the Wildebeest when we were writing on the Willis roast. When I'd walk in, he'd be like, the Wildebeest is back. I'd be like, this is not... This cannot stick.

This doesn't make any sense. I don't want a golden pony nickname. I really am mortified of having a nickname. They brought me up when I did laugh tracks. They called me the baby face assassin. And I was like, I'm not roasting it. I'm about to tell a story about fucking in a car. I'm not like, yeah, I roasted that pussy in my Honda.

I could see you being like the silver gopher or something like that. You're the silver gopher, Tom. When you turn 60, you're going to be called the Silver Gopher. Oh, I'm not going to make it to 60, but that's very nice. I think somehow you're going to live to be like 200. Yeah, you're going to be like the Hulk when you just eat rocks after the nuclear apocalypse. Yeah, Tom, when you go gray from stress at 35, I'll call you the Silver Gopher. Be like one of those shitty superheroes from Detective Comics number 8.

Yeah, honestly, I kind of enjoy having a shaved head. Yeah, I think I like a little stubble on it, though. I think you need either a little stubble up top or a little bit of a beard to kind of pull the whole head together. I prefer having a little bit of a beard. I would agree with that. This, you look very good right now. You got some sun. You got tan going on.

You got some stubble. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling bald. I've never been squishier or pinker in my life. I've just been inside eating granola bars. This might be the first time that we've all been in a room all feeling pretty good. I know. Me, actually. It might be, actually.

It's weird. Let's pull up some exes' Instagrams, all right? This might be way too boring and awful of an episode if we're all this happy. Hey, Nicole's a whore. There we go. Come on, just like old times, right, guys? You dumbass.

Wildly overestimating my popularity there. You say mean things to people. You struggle with connecting. Yeah, so we did a roast battle all week. That was a fucking blast. Nicole battled last night. She was phenomenal. She fucking did everything right.

It was awesome to watch. I was getting a little emotional. I was in the back just like kept going better, better, better. It was like, oh, it's my baby girl's up there. Yeah, Connor was kind of my saving grace all day because the night before I was like in fetal position texting Tom.

Yeah, I texted you. I was like, I have to be at the house right now. Go out, do something, be with people. And then you never respond. Like, are you okay? And you still respond. Did you die?

And I'm like, well, one of two things happened. Either she found someone to hang out with or she is dead. I drove to Katrina Davis's house, who's a lovely human being and cried for an hour about how I'm going to be fat on camera and bomb and fuck up and all that. And only one of those things happened. I just looked fat. It was great. You didn't look fat. Not embedded. But, yeah, she was great. Let me borrow some of her shoes because none of my shoes, because I'm still poor as fuck.

Oh, yeah. It is funny. There's like a while where before I got my first check, right now the Willis thing, I was coming in and I was just like well I just bought breakfast with quarters none of my shoes were in good enough condition to be on camera it's the best when you do cool shit but you're a secret scumbag I didn't even tell you but the next day

when we went to go get lunch and you offered to pay I was so relieved because I was like I have like $10 to spend all of it on this lunch I didn't want to tell you that. And then you just offered to pay. It was really sweet. That was a good... That shit banged.

It was really good. Shout out Greenleaf. It sounded like healthy shit. I thought it was going to be gross. We were going to go to Shake Shack. I thought it was like a vegan place, but they had like banging sandwiches. Shake Shack was like packed. They had the new one in Hollywood and it was like Saturday. So I was like, fuck.

I got a turkey melt on pretzel bread, which pretzel bread was fucking good. That sounds pretty good. We did Mendocino Farms in the writer's room one day, and I thought the fucking pretzel bun they have there, the pretzel BLT, I think we ordered that all the time when I was working on The Talking Dead, and they have good

shit, Mendocino Farms. Yeah, well, you heard it here first. Nicole Buchanan, rape apology. I fucking... They've reinstated him. He's going to be back on the show. I know, yeah. He Jay Leno'd his way back.

He's the first one to get out of this shit. I mean, we'll see. I don't know what's going to go down. I feel like a lot of people have gotten pretty pretty scot-free and all yeah i mean you know which is kind of a bummer in some of the cases first of all i want to remind everyone that katrina davis called steve harvey black alex jones funniest fucking thing i've ever heard in my life and yusuf roach tweeted the funniest shit he was like uh chris hardwick could have lived out the rest of his life married to uh you know to an

heiress you know just chilling in the Hamptons. But my man just has to talk dead. That just killed me. I made the mistake last night of getting high while fasting. And, dude, I can do anything after that. I was eating, like, greasy Mexican food after. And Tom was like, I have to leave because if I break this fast the wrong way, I'm going to poop a bunch.

Well, no, and fuck up my pancreas if I do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Tom, I was talking, we were talking about fasting last night, and I feel like it's like a movie that I haven't seen. You know, I feel like everyone's like, Opie's doing it, Tom's doing it, you know, and I feel like everybody saw Inception, and I'm like, yeah, it's the commercial. They're upside down. It seemed good.

Yeah. It's just important to do it the right way or you will hurt yourself or it'll like have negative effects on you. But yeah, no. Yeah. No. If you want to. I just can't imagine you being that hungry. Like, when I'm hungry, I go right back to 2012 con, man. I know it's pretty it's pretty it's

pretty hilarious how much a granola bar will make you just so much more fun to be around sometimes I think like oh my God my life is I hate everything I hate being and then I'm like oh a sandwich I'm like that with a lack of sleep like if I have a lack of sleep I'll punch

anyone in the throat like if you get in my way like if you just like walk front of me, I want to kill you. It's funny. When we're all happy, this podcast just turns into a Kathy cartoon. Oh, my God. If I haven't had my coffee in the morning. I'm a real see you next Tuesday. Yeah, so what else?

Yeah, I'm trying to think think any other fun shit happened at uh roast battle i uh i was i was kind of like they had me kind of like go through blake griffin's uh jokes with him and he was fucking great he was awesome like he did really well you could tell he's like a real comedy fan like you know i know he's been standing up before and he like really knew his way around a joke but i've heard he's funny he's funny he was a funny guy like a lot of the shit that he did he came up with with. You know, like, a little, like, off-the-cuff shit. Like, that was all him. Yeah, without spoiling anything, he can fucking commit to a bit.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I was really impressed with that, yeah. And it's just, it's bizarre, because I've done that a little bit now. Like, they have me, like, coaching people up that, like, aren't, like, you know, comedians. And, like, Dennis, Dennis Robin and Blake, I'm, like, the basketball player guy, I guess, for this, the last couple weeks. Because you're tall. Yeah, yeah. They the basketball player guy, I guess, for the for this the last couple of weeks. But because you're tall. Yeah. Yeah. Like I know.

That's my attempt at taking all of your talents away. I was like, oh, they needed a tall comedy writer is comedy writers. It's a field dominated by the fat, the small and the Jewish. We need someone who can kind of make eye contact, but little did they know, Connor doesn't do that. Yeah, we don't want him to feel like he's talking to his kids, so. Yeah, him standing next to Jeff Ross

made Jeff look like a midget. It was crazy. He's fucking 6'10". It's weird looking that way. I'm like, is this how everyone feels when they talk to me? It's fucking weird. Yes, yeah.

But he was a fucking really nice guy. He was a really sweet dude. I could see, yeah, he seemed like a nice dude. I mean, I didn't interact with him at all, but he seemed very... I had a very weird moment. It was a very surreal moment where one of the PAs calls me over because he had a question about his joke. So I go over, stand outside his trailer, he kind of runs up and by me. He was like, yeah, yeah, that's funny, you should do that.

And then Pete Davidson was there. So Ariana Grande comes skipping by. He goes, whoa, that's crazy. And I was like, wait, who is that? And I was like, oh, shit. I just got starstruck with Blake Griffin. This is very weird. It's funny to think like someone like that famous is also just like, that's Ariana Grande.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Madison Sinclair said she like asked Ariana Grande afterwards, like, are you going to the after party? And she just went, nah. I know, yeah. One of the PAs was, like, working with her, and she was just like, I got to hang out with her. I smoked pot with Ariana Grande. Dave said she was pretty cool.

Yeah, that's what Cyrus, our buddy Dave Cyrus, who works with Pete a lot. I got to see him for a second. I think he's coming by at some point. Maybe we'll try to record something with Dave. But, yeah, he says she's really sweet. Yeah, I've heard nothing but very nice things about her. Yeah, it's weird. Famous people are just like dudes a lot of the time.

Yeah. I've been pleasantly surprised so far. There hasn't been anyone that's been a huge bitch. Yeah. Right. Yeah. All right. Well,

shall we get into the Mexican joke? Hi, so topical. Yeah, let's do this. Why are you holding your vape like you're reading it?

I gotta put the, you gotta get the, equalize the air bubbles so the coils don't dry out. Ah. Yeah. I met another guy who had the same one as me

at the after party and we talked about it for like 20 minutes. I'm like, we're the fucking worst. It was very embarrassing. It looks like a fucking like slytherin brooch that's exactly i mean it's an audio podcast but that's that's very funny uh yeah so in in terms of phoning in uh the jokes i think we've all we've all done it but i think i think never before have we all phoned them in this hard i woke up high

this morning i was still high i'm i'm good i'm good ish now like i just feel you know groovalicious or whatever i said earlier yeah but uh yeah i wrote these high and i'm excited to see what yeah we were all up till like at least three in the morning last night and then i just yeah couldn't fall asleep till five. It is what it is, but let's do it. Let's do it. It's literally 10 minutes. I just wrote this in Connor's room.

I rapped it 2-0-1. I tried really hard. I don't know what's wrong with these other people. Let's do this. I'm just trying to with our listeners, I won't say they don't deserve better but I'm not going to try to sell them a bill of goods. Hey, you guys deserve better. We're just not going to give it to you.

I'm unemployed again, so the podcast will be funnier on the podcast. It's called the High Hopes, Low Results Show for a reason, everybody. That is what it's called. Yes. I got to submit the RSS changes. I blame it on our happiness. Yeah. All right, guys.

A woman is admitted to killing her husband after she caught him buying porn. On the plus side, now he'll stay hard forever. Hey, he's dead. I have a showdown for that. I almost wrote a joke about that, too. A 69-year-old

woman shot her husband for buying porn. Wow. Sounds like a hard shot. Yeah, that was a little better. I didn't read the article. If I would have known she was 69, that would have opened up a whole new world of bad punchlines. A 13-year-old boy was hauled into court for assault

after firing a chip through a straw at McDonald's. Fast food chains are now in discussion about banning assault ruffles. I love that one. I'm going to say that's my best one. Where do they... Assault ruffles. How is that not something I've said about Keith? I'm mad at myself i could have done

better it's like i feel like i feel about that joke the way salieri felt about you know uh for whatever the fuck mozart wrote i don't know i don't know this reference at all yeah it's from the movie amadeus oh yeah i did see that movie oh i know what you're talking about okay that's when we uh that's when i Oh, yeah, I did see that movie. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Okay. Yeah, that's when we... I watched that in band. The ending of that movie... Wait, is that the farting piano movie? That is the farting piano movie.

You're thinking of Dewey Cox, Walk Hard. I haven't seen that one. That's a good movie, too. That is a fucking underrated movie. It's very good. I haven't seen it. That's like one of my... In terms of just big, dumb comedies,

that's one of my favorite big blockbuster comedies. It's a very nice homage to the musical biopics. I just watched it for the first time a month ago, and I was like, what is this? This is so funny. I've never seen it. Oh, it's great. Yeah, the music is also good. Shit, what was I going to say?

I don't remember. I think it's you. Yeah. Five people were shot at a Texas nursing home. Authorities say there would have been fewer casualties, but when they told them to put their hands up, everyone thought he was the water aerobics instructor. That was a joke Olivia had for the Willis roast that got cut that I thought was so funny. It's like, this day is so old.

I thought Nikki Glaser was here to teach a water aerobics class. That's so funny. I'm like, oh, bitch, you just get pissed off. They didn't use that? They didn't use it. That's so funny. Travesty. Yeah.

A new mental illness called Trump anxiety disorder is becoming more common. Trump anxiety disorder is when everyone around you hates you, so you have to exclusively hang out with your Russian friends. It's topical. See? It's topical. Now, you write that joke word for word underneath a cartoon of a bear. It's already on the fridge. Yeah, of a bear in the New Yorker at a therapist's office.

There's like a Russian guy that's like a circus leader, you know? It's like, wow, this is... Do Russians have handlebar mustaches? I think anyone can grow a handlebar mustache. Yeah, but is that a thing that they do? I don't think... I feel like if they did it, it would be sincere. I don't think Lemmy from Motorhead is Russian. Isn't that a French thing?

Oh, no, no. French have the curled up... A handlebar mustache I think is pretty redneck-y. I thought it was a hipster thing. Handlebar mustache, I think, is pretty redneck-y. I thought it was a hipster thing. Handlebar mustache is like the Hulk, right? Hulk Hogan. No. Yeah, if the Hulk had a handlebar mustache, that would be awesome. I'm imagining.

Bruce Banner fucking loves Skinner. You know what's funny? I imagine it would be really hard for the Hulk to shave. Because it would just grow back immediately. You know? Because it was regenerative. I thought that was Wolverine. The Hulk has it, too.

Yeah. The Hulk has it, too. Like, the only way to kill the Hulk is to cut off his head or something. He can shave when he's not the green man. You can just... When he's not the green man. Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking of Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I haven't seen that show. I've been told I look like someone on that show. Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking of Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I haven't seen that show. I've been told I look like someone on that show. Yeah, that was when you were high in the Flamingo Garden and you were very cross. Yeah, I was very, yeah, that was good times in the Flamingo Garden, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just shaves when he's not green.

Yeah, well there we go. Look at that. I outscienced you. All right. A video shows a cop using a coin flip to decide whether to make an arrest. He calls the game Heads or Jails. These are fun. We're doing some real... We're doing some pun boys.

That was a joke I had about Jeff Ross that I liked. Jeff's only fat because he has to keep eating popsicles to find new jokes for his act. I do like the, my favorite, one of my favorite genres of comedy is the edgy popsicle joke.

You know, Salt Ruffles is a pretty perfect example of that. I think that's what roast battle is. Pretty much, yeah. Edgy popsicle jokes. Just take popsicle jokes

and you ever carve a popsicle shank when you're a kid on the cement? Yeah. Or if you can rub it down to like a little point. What if we made puns super offensive and then you got roast. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. It's a beautiful thing. Speaking of which, the Pentagon has created a do not buy list of Russian and Chinese software. Keith Carey is still on the top of the donut buy list. I think that's funny. Ten minutes. Don't. Don funny. Ten minutes. Don't, don't, don't not, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's my turn. California. You guys know California. California. California. California Taco Bells are banning employees from leaving during the lunch break.

Man, the world's so fucked, even Mexican restaurants are becoming cages. Hey. Wow. More New Yorker bear, dude. I do love a world where Tom writes for Bill Maher. Bill Maher goes like, yeah, so the Senate, you guys know the Senate. Yeah, that would be,

look, I would not contribute much to the show, but me backstage trying to contribute to the show may be the greatest thing that anyone could ever record. Well, yeah, no, it would be like, are Newt Gingrich's coming out? You should ask him about his sideburns. I think that Taco Bell's like, listen, we need the diarrhea you're taking

during your lunch break for our food. Okay. Sweet amiss. Here comes another one. you're taking during your lunch break for our food. Okay. Swing and a miss. Here comes another one. A man in Colorado stole a tractor. When police arrived, the man bit a police dog. I've heard of a dog-eat-dog world, but this is ridiculous.

Yeah. We just ruffled around in our big duffel bag full of reusable punchlines. Guys, this feels like Nice Boys. Someone call me a cunt or something. Oh, man. Doug Fager, he wanted cash for the bar, so I gave him 20 bucks, and he said, I'll Venmo you later.

And he just paid me $6.11, and the caption is, first installment. As we were talking, I'm like, wouldn't it be a funny bit if you just never gave me the money he's like yeah you know he has a bit going on like that with tony hinchcliffe oh really they made a bet and uh i guess he owes to well doug says he owes tony 20 uh tony says 40 but then and he'll like give him shit for it all the time on the patio. And then Doug will try and give it to him, and he won't take it so we can keep giving him shit for it. He's like, I don't want your money, you poor Uber driver. I just like to give you shit for it. Yeah.

All right, guys. A polar bear was shot dead after attacking a cruise ship guard. After he died, the officer that shot him took a drag of a cigarette, put on his sunglasses, and said, looks like this bear came to the wrong carnival. Carnival cruise. Come on. It's a kind of cruise. Okay.

It would be funny if the bear just like, oh, man, I put it in my GPS and it felt wrong, but I mean. Yeah. Okay, so I'm about to say a lot of names wrong because I've only read them before. Oh, hell yeah. Rudy Giuliani has stated that Cohen is a liar and a scoundrel. Then Michael Avenatti told him, Giuliani, you needed to buckle up, buttercup.

After that, the Undertaker tagged in and hit Avenatti with a chair. All right, well, at least I said everything wrong. I can tell by your guys' faces. Rudy Giuliani! I didn't even register the joke because I was just paying attention Rudy Giuliani is what his name would be

if he wrote for the Halloween special Rudy Boo-liani I think I okay I got Avenatti right yeah

Avenatti I don't even I don't know that one but I definitely know Rudy Giuliani it's too Italian for me to care yeah

wow Tom this is a strong strong stance I'm a self-hating It's too Italian for me to care. Yeah. Wow, Tom. This is a strong stance. I'm a self-hating Italian. The last two are going to be extra bad. No, I'm so sorry. Yeah, me too. It doesn't make sense you're wearing the wife beater now. Yeah.

Yeah, it does look right on you. I think it's German, English, Scottish, and then Italian. Wow. I'm a lot of things. None of them are good. Yeah. Name the countries you don't like from World War II. And I have most of them.

Oh, yeah. If they had a dictator in the 40s, Tom is from there. All right. These last two are bad. Not that the other ones haven't been. Belgian nude beach was blocked due to fear that sexual activity will spook the wildlife. We wouldn't want to scare off two bears fucking each other with two bears fucking each other.

Like the gay kind of bears, is what I meant. Yeah. Shots. Take that, gay bears. A food truck staffed entirely with autistic employees is set to open in Florida this week. The owners say they're ready to hit the road after the staff has completed their training and they got a happy face sticker from the health inspector.

That's how you have an A. I feel like the setups that we have are almost funny. They only got a silver star in the window. Yeah, some of these stories, I'm like, these deserve better jokes. Autistic food truck. That should have been a Hall of Fame moment. Yeah, I wish I saw that because I would have hit you with it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's me. Go fuck yourself. An Air Force Academy football player was the first person in military academy history to come out as gay. Wow, sounds like someone is going to be spiking the soap in the showers. What? Spiking it like spiking the punch or spiking it like a football? No, like a football. Yeah, like an end zone celebration?

No, like in the showers. They shower together. It's a homophobic joke, I guess. Yeah, you don't drop the soap. But it is homophobic. You drop the soap and someone fucks you. I know, but he's sp if it's a joke, but it is on the show. You drop the soap. Someone fucks you. I know, but he's spiking it like a football.

He spikes it so that he can then. With the penis in the shower. Oh. Did you mean to say shower? Shower. Do you think when they want to punish the prisoners, they just put in powdered soap so it's easier to drop? Is that a thing? Powdered soap? Powdered soap, yeah, prisoners, they just put in powdered soap so it's easier to drop? Is that a thing? Powdered soap?

Powdered soap, yeah, yeah. What the fuck is powdered soap? Sometimes you go to a real fucking Barstow gas station and they'll have powdered soap in there. What does that even look like? Powder. Bubbles up. You know what powdered soap is to shit? Some borax.

That shit will fuck... If you change your oil or something... I don't know any of those words. Alright well. That sounds like cleaning supplies is not something you should use

on your body. It's like a grainy soap kind of thing. It's really good for getting like grease and stuff off your hand.

I used to change my own oil. My dad had this big tub. Like you can't get it anymore. And he like imported it from

some like redneck state you know. My dad is just particular about his powdered soap. Sure. But it's good shit. So this week's show is brought to you by Borat. What an uninteresting... You could snort soap.

I guess. You can snort anything. And then you feel like Tyler Durden. I don't know, man. Let's just... Let's all snort soap together. Alright, let's all snort soap together. All right, let me do my last bad joke. An Egyptian zoo got caught painting a donkey to look like a zebra. The zebra community is outraged, claiming our culture is not a costume.

Hashtag Zebra Lives Matter. Oh, yeah, my culture is not your prom dress. I'm just going to bring up funny tweets that other people... JP McDade posted a picture of a Dragon Ball Z Instagram ad shirt. He said, my culture is not your prom dress. It was either J.P. or Jake Flores. So, yeah, boy, do I wish they were on the show right now. But I'm the only one you could get.

No, you're great. I'm just saying I wish I was funny. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Guys, we really should like cut ourselves or something in the intermission. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right.

Well, we're going to go read some comments about us on the Comptown subreddit, and then we'll be right back after this. Nostalgia restaurants are all the rage. From the 50s throwback of Johnny Rockets to the dinner theater experience of medieval times, diners love to hop in the Wayback Machine to a simpler time. That's why we're thrilled to announce the grand opening of america's newest retro dining experience cafe 2014 cafe 2014 is a return to the sweet long gone days when the world seemed kind of okay and you weren't constantly terrified what a beautiful time it might have been four whole years ago but boy it feels like more doesn't it 2014 was the year gwyneth paltrow let that guy from Coldplay go so he could be the best woman he could be.

And here at Cafe 2014, we invite you to consciously uncouple from the crushing darkness of the modern world. Step into the beautiful world of yesterday, where ISIS wasn't quite a thing yet and Donald Trump was still pretty funny. Here at Cafe 2014, we proudly serve an authentic menu of the same shit you're eating now, only this time it's lovingly prepared in a kitchen where nobody knows who Sarah Huckabee Sanders is. Reward yourself for surviving the Ebola outbreak

with an Ebola delicious chili. Overdose on our fully loaded, flavor-injected Philip Seymour hot dogs. Eating healthy? Try our new There's Not Literal Nazis Marching in the Streets Caesar salad. Not all the names are clever. And for dessert, take the Ice Cream Bucket Challenge.

Those godforsaken videos might have done next to nothing in terms of actually curing ALS, but hey, here's a wheelbarrow of fudge to bury your head in. Our bartender pours the strongest drinks in town, and they've got more kick than Jay-Z taking a shoe to the dick in an elevator. Remember that? Is this helping? Is any of this comforting you, or are you still very, very afraid? But we're not just about making food.

We're also about fun. Here at Cafe 2014, we'll make your family's boredom disappear like it was a Malaysian airplane. We're spinning all your favorite hits from the greatest year of the decade. Hope you like Beyonce because it's a lot of fucking Beyonce. Like more Beyonce than you thought was possible. We're keeping the laughs rolling by playing clips from the best comedians you were still allowed to enjoy in 2014. Louis C.K., T.J. Miller, Bill Cosby. Sure, people kind of knew about that shit already, but Hannibal didn't blow up the spot until October of 2014,

so you had a couple more months of plausible deniability. Hey, hey, hey! So make like Robin Williams and come hang with us at Cafe 2014, and celebrate the last year when anything felt like it was going to be okay. Oh, and before you ask, we're specifically themed to like pre-November 2014 because that's when all the Ferguson shit went down. Look, do you want to split hairs on this or do you want to come eat a cheeseburger, listen to Shake It Off, and try to feel all right?

I still have a neck fupa, let's be honest. On that note, we're back. Neck fupa. There's the damn episode title. You look like a Russian union goon when I saw you last time. I go, this guy's looking good. Union for who? Yeah, you look like you could be straight up salaried employees of a dock that exports fentanyl.

I was so proud of you. Thanks. Every time we say tom lost weight it's like it always ends in some kind of like dude i'm telling you right now you could you circus performer to circus guy takes the tickets i'm telling you it's fucking amazing and for once we're not saying fired out of the cannon you're acquiring the cannon yeah yeah you look like they would trust you with gunpowder thanks guys i'm gonna handlebar mustache this i think dude if tom had a twin and they were the Flying Goss brothers, that would be the funniest shit ever.

I do have a brother. Just two big, dense men hurtling through the schedule. Just like, holy shit. You know what's crazy? All my siblings are all, like, blonde and thin. Sure, sure. And you're the outlier. Yeah.

I posited the theory earlier in the show that medical science, as it is accepted, it does not apply to Tom. If you sit down and go, you're exhibiting all the signs. And they're like, nope, throw that diagnosis out. There's something entirely different going on here. Yeah. A meteor hit the earth and Tom was born. I do think so. He actually breathes with his lower intestine.

I don't know how that works, but it does. Oh, you guys don't butt breathe? Yeah. Tom is the only person that when he tries to sign up to be an organ donor, they're like, you know what? We just don't know what to do with yours yet. I'm technically an organ donor, but I'd feel bad if anyone got the organs. Yeah, some guy has a new liver, but he won't stop talking about MMA and fasting.

Tom dies. All of a sudden, they have new organs for an electric eel. Well, she can see again, but she won't shut up about the same three Pixies songs. I listen to a lot of Pixies songs. I know. That was what you took offense to. Not us saying that your body looks like someone played Operation Poorly. Don't make me out to be some sort of Skippy Pixies fan.

Yeah, no, you're not fair but i do feel like when you like if someone did surgery on tom it would be like a like a black and white cartoon about someone bad at fishing look i got a tin can there's an old boot there's a phone book you know so funny yeah yeah i'm like the last guy who was here it's like when you do electrical work in a really shitty house it's like dude they did all of this shit with duct tape and paper clips. I don't know how you've been able to have light switches for the past 25 years. We need to do like a to catch a contractor on whoever birthed Tom. Oh, yeah, that would be great.

Just like a medical expose series where we go back and confront all your doctors. It was like, so you thought the problem was that he was not getting enough leafy greens. Cutting corners. You attached his kneecap to his heart. How dare you call yourself a doctor? Yeah, you cotton-heeled this man's brain. Frankenton. Frankenton.

Frankenton. It's my contribution. You're talking about being in the hospital, and they're like, yeah, man. I mean, you're almost like your potassium levels are so low. You know what's hilarious? Did I ever tell you why a fat guy kept telling me that? Why? Because if your potassium's too low, you die. I just didn't know that. So I was like,

what the fuck are you talking about? I thought he was in the pocket of Big Banana. I thought Pfizer was shelling out money to get you on the fucking... They told me that, too, when I was in the hospital. They pumped so much potassium into me. Really? Yeah. No, they did that to me, but he kept... Dude, maybe that's why we're, like, suicidal. I'm just picturing an IP bag full of bananas.

Well, no, I was trying to kill myself. That's why I bought potassium as well. Oh, yeah, I did try. Oh, was it after you took a bunch of pills? Yeah. Okay, yeah, me too. It turns out when they make the banana-like academy, none of the nutrients are left over. That's what I was getting my vegetables from.

I feel like I hear a lot of people complain or say that their doctor told them they have dangerously low potassium. I wonder if potassium is like, you know, when you go get your oil changed and they always go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if potassium is that to the human body. Yeah, they're like, all right. Yeah. You know, they keep a dirty one under the counter.

Like, here's your air filter. And there's like a cigarette butt and a dead bird in there. It's such a weird thing that it's so deadly and you can solve it by just eating bananas. Tom also gets most of his medical work done at Jiffy Lube. He just lays down, spread an eagle across that little gap

and then an Italian guy underneath him starts poking his dick going, all right. And then he shrugs and goes, Obamacare. He pulls a really long metal rod out of his ass

and goes like, oh, that's not good. I'm getting corn eight inches back. That's a bad sign, my dude. Big-ass Ramdog himself has joined us for the second half of the show. Bard one, dog. This is like a really low level of when you see on a radio show. It's like, yeah, we just saw Patton Oswalt walking down the hall, so we thought he'd come sit in on Opie and Jim.

It's like, oh, Ramsey's making eggs. Why don't you come do me for it? Ramsey was scraping together seven weeks of leftovers into one pot. Dude, Ramsey's fucking poor meals are the funniest shit. Because I'll go out and Ramsey will just say, he'll be like, what are you doing there? I got some quinoa, some old tuna, and some beans.

Onions, mushrooms, steak, and then all of Opie's. I'm not going to lie. I bet you could make that taste pretty fucking good. Some beans, mushrooms, steak, and then all of the Opie's. Yeah, and then a bunch of... I'm not going to lie. I bet you could make that taste pretty fucking good. There was a time where you were just, like, Jack and Pico de Gallo from El Pollo Loco for your omelets. So you'd come in with a bag full of just little, like, two styrofoam cups full of fucking, like, vegetables

from, like, various eateries. That was a particularly sad period of my life. I was literally making stops at El Pollo Loco to steal their salsa for, like... Like, I would stop, and I would just because i realized this is my my fucking hustle i'm like nobody checks it nobody checks your receipt for the salsa so i was going wild i'm like i'm spending i'm saving money you're getting an order of chips and salsa and you're like oh yeah i like a three inch high fucking load on every chip you know don't you and there's you do when you're poor

you do kind of play a chicken with a game of chicken with people where you're like, you are too uncomfortable to do your job and call me out for what I'm clearly doing. Absolutely. I'm putting lemonade in the damn water cup. Yes. I'm relying on your humanity right now to to not call me out. Yeah. Yeah. There's just like there's like just a level of like human pity and awkwardness that I don't think you're willing to pass to tell me not to sneak into the bathroom without buying something.

Also, the people that work those jobs also probably need to do the same thing. When I worked at Starbucks, I would steal from them all the time. What would you take from Starbucks? I thought you got everything for free. Fuck no. We could have one

free food item a day, then we got free drinks, but then when it was time to go home, I would steal extra food stuff. I would steal toilet paper from the bathroom. Oh, yeah. I've stolen some toilet paper in my day. Oh, one of my exes works at Starbucks, and she'd just give me all the food at the end of the day. And just give me all the free... You know what's fucked up?

They made us throw all the food away at the end of the day. They wouldn't even let us give it to homeless people or whatever, at the end of the day like they wouldn't even let us like give it to homeless people or whatever because they were afraid of being sued if like a homeless person got sick if we like don't that's like a Panera thing I think don't they give all their bread to the homeless at the end of the day you should

throwing it away but Starbucks is such douchebags like no we don't want to lose money on giving my food to the homeless you know homeless they're very litigious people. They're lawyered up, the homeless. That's why I stand out near homeless people giving them my business cards. You get sick.

That is a hustle that Ramsey would get into. If you had a long, depressing streak and you quit comedy, you would be an ambulance chaser for homeless food poisoning. You're like, well, you didn't lock up the dumpster and that banana peel looked fresh. I saw it. We've got it right here in this Ziploc bag.

Now we can make this all go away with a $2,000 check. Because yesterday I spent all day putting stuff together in the studio, and my girlfriend came over at night, and I started telling a story, and she goes, anytime I leave you alone for one day, all of your stories the first time you see me are, I spent 14 hours putting together a sailing boat. She goes, you skip every meal

and you spend 14 hours doing something you've never thought about. Once we get into something, I'm just like, god damn it, today's the day that I fucking do this. Whatever it is. I literally spent all day being like, I'm going to create the greatest studio ever yesterday oh i walked to the yeah you're like mounts and shit you know it's gonna be so good oh dude i'm excited it's gonna be really oh dude yeah the big ass ram

dog show that the mean boys do a joint stay i mean we're putting together it's funny that it's there's a very nice shit in the worst house ever now it's gonna be so good dude live streaming capabilities we're gonna be fucking on fire. I know. I got to Amazon us a damn rug because I think, I'm telling you, you're better when your feet are on carpet. It's true.

I can't explain it. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. I'm serious. No, I'm with him on this one. You're a little more comfortable. Like, I wake up, like, my bed, like, having a tile floor bedroom is weird, right?

Yes, that's why I have. You wake up, and I got a rug now, but it's like your feet hit cold tile. Yeah, it feels more cold and empty like you're staying in it doesn't feel cozy you start the day with a little anxiety yeah yeah yeah i i subletted a room that had tile floors and it was so depressing they're extra cold they're extra hot when it's hot it's a it's a mess yeah it's just a bad time and ours are dirty yeah ours are dirty so there's always like a little gravel on them. Yeah, there's always a layer of schmutz everywhere.

Are we talking about tiles right now? Oh, you're getting the call, Nicole. It's Felicia, folks. Oh, do not answer that. Put her on the pod. Should I? Let's pick a fight with Tom. Get her on the pod.

We need diversity. I don't think we've ever... When was the last time the main boys had a black person on? I think on the pod. We need diversity. I don't think we've ever... When was the last time the Mean Boys had a black person on? I think when we had Felicia Fogelman. Let's see.

Happy Yusef Roach. Oh, that's right. Yusef Roach. Whatever Robin is. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You guys, I like with the

Mean Boys diversity picks. They're not just diversity picks. They're extreme diversity picks. Oh, yeah. When we go, we go Samir Suri. We go all out. Samir Suri we go all that samir suri you guys go republican muslim yeah we just check three boxes and we're done for the month

yeah yeah i don't know we just uh i i want to have felicia back on she's she's great yeah one of my best friends i love her a great person all right guys we're gonna we're gonna play a round of did they die uh sent into us from Alex L. We lost the first question of this game because the recorder, I broke it. I don't know. It's my bad. So we're going to go to round two. A Canadian Zamboni driver hit a gate while entering the rink, lodging a piece of the vehicle under the Zamboni. He lived, but he was charged with a DUI by Mountaineers.

Oh, wait, no, I read the answer. All right. Okay, I'm going to say he lived. I have a question. What is a Zamboni again? A Zamboni is the... I love that Tom... Tom is like, a thing I know.

I got this. I got this. So few questions where Tom is so fired up. Motherfucker, I Zamboni like a son of a bitch. It's the big ice truck they use to resurface the ice between periods for hockey games. Yeah, it's like sandpaper, but for cold things. $15 a month to the Patreon, and you get your iZamboni like a son of a bitch t-shirt. I call them hockey lawnmowers.

That's so funny, Tom. I mean, that is kind of what they are, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's absolutely what they are. Well, thank you for explaining that to me, Tom. You never been on a Zamboni? They're hockey tractors. I don't know where I would they are. Well, thank you for explaining that to me. Yeah, yeah. You never been on Zamboni? They're hockey tractors. I don't know where I would be on a Zamboni.

At an ice rink. You know how your family will have, like, one weird kind of insignificant connection that they blow out of proportion to be a big, like... I was like, when I was growing up, I remember my grandma would be like, you know, we knew the Zamboni family. They would write down a date from us. I'd be like, I'm seven. I'm pretty sure this doesn't fucking mean anything.

The Zamboni family? Oh, yeah. We're Jewed in Deep with the Zambonis, guys. That's so fucking good. Yeah. They even have a Zamboni song. Do they really? Yeah.

How does it go? I want to ride a Zamboni. And then they just repeat that for like. I want to ride. I think it's by the same guy who wrote, Good old hockey game is the best game you can do. I don't know any hockey songs. That's what I'm realizing.

I don't either. You're a loser. It's the one sport. I didn't know there was a take-me-out-to-the-ball game for hockey. Yeah. You know what has a lot of songs? Soccer. Really?

Soccer. Ole, ole, ole. Ole, ole. That's one. It's world music. Yeah. They sing a lot. Oh, dude. Everyone's Soccer. Olé, olé, olé. Olé, olé. That's one. It's world music. Yeah. They sing a lot. Oh, dude, everyone's favorite genre, world.

Rugby songs are crazy because they also do weird shit like elephant lines and jerk each other off in the bar while just screaming about punching someone from another country. Oh, really? Here's the thing about soccer music. They have a lot of music because it's an international thing. It's the same way that Trevor Noah has a lot of fans. It's just international people who don't know any better.

It's like, well, James Gordon, you know I don't count the followers from England. That's not a real place. Is that the chef? Yes. No, he's the chef. He cooks up jokes. I've said it once and I'll say it again.

Who's James Gordon? Every single time we get an English host, we should send a shittier one back to them. Yeah. We get James Gordon. I think they should have gotten Steve-O on BBC. I've said this many times. Next up on Channel 4, Steve-O. Tonight with Steve-O.

That would be so good. Steve-O hosting an english talk show i love it yeah i mean sobriety's like going to the gym you got to show up to really uh make it anyway i'm gonna light my pubes on fire while adele plays ping pong fucking vomiting driving yeah yeah it's like okay uh i don't have any hair left to uh to shave and make a merkin out of but uh i mean i can eat it anyone have a cockroach I can eat? Steve-O's the one guy, vocally, I look down on. I go, pfft. Talk about an annoying

voice. No, you kind of do sound like Steve-O if he hadn't partied his heart. That's what I'm saying. His voice is so bad. See him when he quit after one crate of whippets. Dude, that was a really intense period of Steve-O's life when he was on whippets. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, man. I'm so glad Dr. Drew is around to save him.

The fucking funniest thing to be addicted to is Whippets. Yeah, it really is. You know? Like, there's no glamour in that addiction at all because you're like,

you're just surrounded by balloons and empty. It looks like you just really love paintballing and birthday parties. You know, come to think of it, it's a pretty good miracle that Keith was never

addicted to Whippets. You know, at the end of a whipped cream can, you would think you would have gotten high every once in a while. Yeah, yeah, you would have think you'd be like,

Wait, can a whipped cream can get you high? Yeah, it's the, Oh, fuck. But they used to pack a whipped cream can. You would think you would have gotten high every once in a while. Yeah, yeah. You would have think you'd be like. Wait, can a whipped cream can get you high? Yeah. Oh, fuck. But they used to pack a whipped cream can. I remember my neighbors tried to fucking do that to me. Like, they tried to, like, do whipped cream whippets, you know, when we were kids. And it just didn't work, you know? Wait.

We did a lot of, like, suburban, like, we can't get out, like, we did the nutmeg thing. Sniffing Sharpies and shit. Hang on. So just firing it straight in your mouth is going to get you... So I think what you do is... That's going to get you fat. But you have to... I think it's either the end or the beginning if you use it a certain way.

Okay. Well, I did both. I think what I was told is you kind of have to get it so it's hissing, but the whipped cream's not coming out. Yes. So you... Exactly. So it's...

Hissing is such a funny description. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I for sure... Okay. You get the can to sound like it's peeing itself. Yes. And then funny description. Yeah, yeah. I for sure. Okay. You get the can to sound like it's peeing itself, and then you huff the fumes. Like through your mouth or nose?

I guess you could do either or. Okay. I'm going to give you extra points if you're doing it through your nose. Yeah, you're snorting whippets. That's a dangerous move. That's some next level shit. I feel like all birthday clowns are probably just doing that all the time. If I was a birthday clown, I'd probably need to unwind.

I've got to get myself in a silly mood. I imagine a birthday clown throwing a pie in his own face at the end of the day. Just putting his legs up. I got to chill. That's his crack in a cold one. He goes to the fridge. There's a bunch of beer. He slides it out of the way. Grabs the pie.

Ah, man. Jesus. He takes off his big-ass shoes. fridge there's a bunch of beer he slides it out of the way you know grabs a pie ah man jesus uh what a what a way takes off his big ass shoes kick at the end of a long day he pops the popper and then just sniffs the fumes afterwards oh yeah man one time i put one time i like did a poppy party popper on my chest like i was committing suicide with it when i was a little kid and i was just like oh i why did i do that yeah you're a little kid and I was just like oh why did I do that yeah when you're a little kid where you're just like well this is gonna hurt me but you just see yourself you see it happening outside of your body

like I'm just doing it like there's no way I can not do this yeah I mean my brother used to throw those like you know those cracker like the party snaps yeah we used to like throw them at each other all the time oh yeah that was fun We used to do that shit too

Those are the best man Those are good man We had like a We had a good Like black market-y Ice cream man Like there was like a while Where he would sell you

These like single action Like they had a little clip Like airsoft pistols Yeah yeah You know so we were just Having airsoft shootouts And they cost five bucks And I'm like dude

I love Like this guy like Rated a storage unit Or like fucking Stole these from Mexico Like it was awesome he had all the fireworks and shit

he was the best you gotta love the Jews they do things like that where they sell illegal you're talking about your ice cream man was Jewish no he was a Mexican guy or the Latin guy

I don't know what he was interesting Mexicans also sell illegal things oh I just usually most of my ice cream men have been Jewish really

Southeast Asian I don't think of it the Jewish I'm kidding okay no absolutely not you got me on that one that would be funny in Jewish Southeast Asia. I don't think of it as the Jewish building. Okay. No, absolutely not. You got me on that one.

That would be funny if it's like, yeah, Greek people own a lot of diners. If it's like, oh, the great tradition of Jewish ice cream men. Oh, it's so cold in the truck.

Every single time. Oh, my God. It's one of my favorite bits. Opie will be like, yeah, my friend Amario, he used to sell these boots that he found at the bottom of a truck

and I'd be like, Amario, did you go to his um bar mitzvah was it a good time nah dog amario was i wish obi would tell more of his growing up in shitty dc stories because they're just the names of people it's like yeah like stinky jay like hat was in a mood or whatever fighting jamarclis yeah yeah you, Jay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, just, like, some guy that brought a knife to school who just had the most outlandish fucking name. Yeah, he really has good ones.

Like, there will be people where I'm like, if I wrote a script where I had a guy that was black with this name, like, I would be drawn and quartered. But this is just a guy from his life. Yeah, man. Did you ever, like, see someone, like, do something, like, so, like,

like, someone do something, like, so racist that it's, like, it's, like, offensive to them? Like, I had a black friend who got fired from KFC for failing a drug test. I'm like, my dog, you have won the stereotype Olympics. Like, this is the best. No, but my favorite version of that was I saw a comic on stage, and he was hammer drunk. He's a Mexican dude, and he starts going going i don't like mexicans i don't like black people and then everyone's like okay you're like no no i can say that i thought i was gonna say because i'm mexican goes i can say that because i genuinely don't like them i saw i was

standing outside of an open mic with uh brad solnitzer, Jewish comic, and he was talking to me. And the whole time he was kind of like rubbing his fingers together, and I looked closely, and he was holding two pennies. And he was rubbing them together while talking to me. And I go, Brad, come on. This is a bad look. This is a bad look. And he honestly goes, he looks down and he looks at the pennies and goes, I didn't even know I was doing that. Just subconsciously penny pinching.

I do that sometimes I'll be in Starbucks using Burt's Bees chapstick being like well I'm being a lot right now I'm a punchline

to a Kyrie Shabazz joke in this moment that was fucking one of the most hurtful things anyone ever said I did this

a black show this one I met Kyrie and I was like the only white guy there and you showed up I didn't know the other comics I was out of town and he walks in he's like what the fuck are you. And you showed up. I didn't know the other comics. I was out of town.

And he walks up. He's like, what the fuck are you doing here? You look like your name's Connor or some shit. I just guessed my name. And I was like, you asshole. You looked at the flyer. He was like, oh, your name's... And he just laughed for 45 minutes. So funny.

So funny. Oh, dude. All right. Number three of Did They Die? A pair of Minnesota dweebs got in a fight over Magic the Gathering, one of whom had been previously charged with possessing an explosive with intent. Did they die? Was that you? That wasn't me.

Sounds like a Connor thing. A thinking man's game. You've never played Magic the Gathering? I tried to get into it, but it's one of these things where it had been going on for so long, I couldn't really, like, I could tell you a little bit about every, I could learn the history of Yu-Gi-Oh! by the time I was playing, but Magic the Gathering, it's like, you get like 50-year-old dudes being, back in my day when blue dicks ruled the land, and I'm just like, I can't fucking. And so you were just like, fuck this, and you brought explosives. Yeah, I guess so. I'd been like, oh, that shit happened when I was a kid. We had a neighbor, Armando, who was El Salvadorian, and we had a race. We would make bombs. All the kids would make bombs.

You know, we'd take apart fireworks, whatever. Shotgun shell, gunpowder. We'd make backyard fucking redneck pill bottle Advil bombs. So this is a card playing kind of thing to do, is make of explosives. Yeah, because he's like, it's like a suburban thing. Yeah, it was just fun it was like awesome group of child terrorists exactly yeah but armando is el salvadorian and he did not look arab so we'd all been we'd blown up fucking shit

in the middle of the street which is like hey dad come see this one yeah and then armando was making bottle bombs and he he had to be he was on probation for like three years like i can't it was so fucked up because i came home and there's like eight cop cars and he's just outside. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? How old were you? I was probably 12 or 13. It's cool not to sell you guys out. Yeah, I guess it was.

That's a super cool move. Yeah, we're a real piece. Armando is kind of an asshole. I'm going to say he's alive because I think it was Connor. I'm going to go with dead because it feels like an accident kind of thing. I don't think anybody purposely meant to kill anybody, but I think somebody died. I'm going to say dead because

Ramsay, I think, knows a lot about explosives. Yes, because it's the kind of thing where you're like, because he wears glasses. Because he wears glasses. That's on his D&D character sheet. You do a thing where you're so invested in Magic the Gathering that you don't realize explosions really kill people. That kind of a thing.

That's where I'm going with this. Yeah, I will say that I don't know if explosions are involved, but one of the guys had been previously charged with an explosive, you know, possession of explosives with an intent. Okay. I'm going to associate those two pieces of information. I'm going to wager that they're connected. Okay. All right. Is everyone guessed? I forgot what I guessed. What did I guess? I'm going to wager that they're connected. Okay. All right. Has everyone guessed?

I forgot what I guessed. What did I guess? Dead. What did you say? You guessed dead. Okay, dead. All right. They lived, but he was stabbed in the face seven times and hit with a rubber mallet.

Wait, did he live after being stabbed in the face seven times? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. That's nuts. And I need you, and I don't know if it's possible for you to confirm, but I need to figure out what order those attacks happened. I know. That's nuts. And I need you, I don't know if it's possible for you to confirm, but I need to figure out what order those attacks happened. I know. It's weird.

Like, do you stun them with a rubber mallet while the 20 birds are flying around and then you go in for the fuck? Because it feels weird if you stab them seven times and then you grab a rubber mallet. And you're like, and now the piece de resistance. Something you use to tap hardwood flooring in.

Yeah. The face is a weird, I would feel, I mean, stabbing someone seems tough. There's a lot of bones in there. But stabbing the face seems hard. That's a person where I'm okay with executing them. Alright, you have it in you or you don't to stab someone in the face.

If this is the trigger, I mean, how good was he at magic? Who won the game? You're so right. There's like, I mean, there's like, no, I mean,

like, there's not a lot of spots to stab. You stab them in the eyes. You can stab the eyes. You can stab the cheeks. You can stab, I guess, like the mouth area.

But I mean, there's no great place to get stabbed. The turkey waddle. At 100%. The turkey waddle. Oh no. He pierced my gizzard. Oh no.

Oh, poor guy. My grandma does the fucking old lady, like, head bop thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's got the most brutal fucking turkey neck. So she'd drive me home from school when I was a kid, and she'd, like, be bopping her head to Motown Records, and it's just, like, fucking like a whole stadium doing the wave on her fucking chin.

I just remember looking over like, oh, jeez. Oh, fuck, dude. Seven in the face. That was like when there's that stabbing at Comic-Con and it was with a pencil. Like it wasn't even like a Deadpool sword. He's got to be like blind and deaf and not be able to. That's fucked up too. You know, remember Gidget who got her leg bit off by the shark?

This guy's not the Gidget of magic. He shows up looking all funny. He looks like an actual anime villain. You know, he comes and he's just like, oh, yeah, they took my parents and i'm here to avenge their death yeah you're right this is a good point the real victim in this is that kid's parents i would so if i was a parent i would so much rather hear my son shot up a school than my son stabbed the guy over a game of magic oh even if like your son's got a fucked up he's like yeah he lived through a gang shooting he's a hero yeah they did a thing about him on channel seven but about him on Channel 7. He had a really good

black deck. He played a counter card wrong and then the fucking knife hit him in the face. Yeah. Poor guy. Alright, the day after a Dungeons & Dragons session, a player drove over to the Dungeon Master's house and attacked him in his sleep with a hammer for messing with his character.

Oh my god. Now I'm hard and fast on this one this is a death because this is malice this is anger this isn't heat of the moment this is premeditated and it's a hammer like a metal hammer because i mean like i because i played dnd too and like for me it was like poker night like it was like who cares what we're gonna have a fun time it's an excuse to talk some shit yeah you know but there are people like like nathan camp my buddy like he'd be playing this month-long thing and he's very invested in the arc of his character.

I never gave that much of a shit. I'm like, let's, you know, play make-believe and have a good time, roll some dice. But like when you've like invested like, this is Thornax the Barbarian, all right? He is on a quest to bring honor to his village. He's half orc, half human, all right? He's not accepted by either

and he's trying to prove himself. So if you fuck with that, I mean, people go ballistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like that half of these have been nerd games turned into violent whack-a-mole i do i do like that this guy's found the most uh mean boysy crimes he could people overreacting to things that do not matter yeah if 2018 has taught us anything it's that the nerds are the ones to be careful of so oh yeah i I think that this is a great indicative sign of that,

and I'm going with dead. Dead. All right. Lack of pussy and friends. Really gets you going. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what?

I'm going to go switcheroo. I think that the guy with the hammer's dead. All right. They both lived, guys. Oh, this guy's really fucking amazing. I'm surprised, because I feel like, I mean, I'm not even like a card-carrying nerd anymore, I would say. Yeah, nerds really can't fight.

You hit me with a hammer, I'm just like, I'm going to try to die. I'm not holding, I'm like, fuck this, this blows. I'm going to live again after that and experience a world where hammer blows are real. Oh, yeah, I remember, yeah, it's fucking, it's just gnarly. Have all these people lived so far? They've all lived so far. Oh, that's disappointing. I know, yeah.

It's not called how badly were they hurt, buddy. Although I'm glad the Zamboni guy lived. Anybody with a job, I'm like, you're good. You're fine. If this is over a dumb hobby, I mean, we could take or leave you as a society. We didn't talk about that. Did you say he got a DUI? Like he was drunk when he was driving a Zamboni? I think there was a story where a guy got a Zamboni DUI.

That's bullshit. All Zamboni drivers are drunk. Zamboni. Yeah, yeah. Zamboning under the influence. It's like, I don't really want a pilot that doesn't have a whiskey sour before you take off. Well, like, how hammered could you be to not be able to drive a Zamboni? They take everyone off of the ice.

All you have to do is not hit the fucking wall. Yeah, you might hurt a wall or yourself you know the walls are already being hit by the players who gives a fuck so nothing but respect for you if you got drunk enough to fail at zamboni yeah no i'm pretty i'm pretty impressed a little bit yeah sure sure sure uh oh man fucking yeah i used to have this bit that never worked but it was like you know those guys that like are really into like they're like i only fuck girls that are half black and half Asian. Because they've got the Asian features and they've got the black body.

I just think it'd be funny to think about that. But he's talking about DM, like fucking D&D races, where he's like, dude, all right, she's got that orc booty, but she's got a human face. It's awesome. It's like a 2012 Connor bit. This is going to win everybody over at Gallagher's in Huntington Beach. Yeah, that is for sure.

Connor hosting Max Bloom's Friday night. Oh, yeah, yeah. For sure. We're talking about just with all the OC people in Rose, about how shitty we were to each other when we all started. And the first time you came when I was hosting Max Bloom's, the open mic we all kind of came from, I had an eye patch on because I had horrible stye.

And my eye was swollen shut. I was just like, who's this unfunny mean man in an eye patch on because i had horrible sty and like my eye was like swollen shut you know yeah it was like just like who's this unfunny mean man in an eye patch you know how when you go to open mics especially your first ones you're kind of like oh like you're looking to see how comedy works yeah i saw connor who is now the best comic i know and just like a guy like undeniably good but at that time connor i thought was so bad that i was like i could do stand-up this is easy so funny he was like on stage bombing and the reason why he was bombing was because it was max bloom's friday night right every shithead in oc comic would go and like try to get each other to bomb but i was just being like he was bobbing i think you did like a moonwalk out of desperation oh yeah i

had i had an idea for a bit dude it's so funny that the ideas you had when you first started because i had this bit was like if i could do a sick moonwalk, this is going to be really funny. So I learned. Actually, I got a decent moonwalk. I won't lie to you guys. I think you did. I do think it was fine. But I remember just being like, boy, this guy's gone for anything.

He can go for it. I hear people talk about film school. You get all your bad ideas. I'm like, I love so many bad ideas. The guy, Kevin, that owns that place, I got to buy him a car or something if i ever make it because i lost him so much fucking business because these college kids would like walk in like after a night of like getting hammered and drunk and their first way away from home they're just fucking lit they're like oh let me get a coffee and sober up so my fucking you know ra doesn't get pissed at me and then they

walk into me with a fucking eye patch long dirty hair wearing shitty clothes just going yeah then my dad walked in on me jerking off he scared the cum out of me everybody it's weird connor because i knew you for like one week when you had those kinds of bits yeah yeah it's like there's like a weird thing that happened where i met you and then like three weeks later you cleaned up your entire act oh yeah like a normal comic. I started going on the road. I sold out for $50 one nighters. I was like, oh, dude. If I just tell jokes about Mexicans, I can get a free chicken sandwich in $40. This is awesome. I met you at my second open mic and also at Max Bloom's.

Max Bloom's, three people in the crowd? Me, Opie, and one other person? Oh, yeah, yeah. Was I hosting or was this people in the crowd, me, Opie, and one other person. Oh, yeah, yeah. Was I hosting or was this the Opie era? It was the Opie era. And I thought you hated me. I did not hate you. I remember, like, I may have even been guest hosting that day or whatever, but I remember

you did a bit about how, like, you hate guys with beards or something. I did that hacky, like, beards are makeup for dudes, like, hiding their shitty face. And apparently, but it was because Ramsey was the only one paying attention in the entire room. Apparently, it was just staring straight

at Ramsey the whole time. And so he went on stage and like, and did some like, oh, yeah, looking at me. And then like said

that you guys like were passing notes during my set. I was like, oh my God, everyone hates me. We were so shitty. We would just like,

it would be someone's first time. It's okay. And we'd all just be heckling. It was the fucking worst. I already said mynor story so uh we're all friends now it makes you feel any better you've you've officially career-wise surpassed me so congratulations man well yeah when opie first started coming it was a funny issue because i i would have never thought in a billion years that opie and i would be a friends or room like it would have been unconceivable if you told me because he would just like yo like i gotta go do an improv show so could you put me up early

every week and i come back later and go on again and i'm like oh you just started and you're horrible at this and you are very you're very confident that you deserve a lot of special treatment here this housing configuration is it would have blown my fucking mind and oh yeah the first time Ramsey and I hung out, he said something mildly rude to me and I threw a protein pop at him as hard as I could. Just like, what a weird assault.

He fucking, he stepped back to throw this powerball at me. He leaned into it. What did you say? Like, I used to say that if Connor threw that thing at me so hard that if there was a baseball scout nearby, he would have gotten a scholarship. What did you say? I used to say that if Connor threw that thing at me so hard that if there was a baseball scout nearby, he would have gotten a scholarship. What did you say? You know what it was?

I have no idea. It was a thing where I was new, and we were all standing in a circle. I was friends with Damien and Opie. And Connor said something to me kind of like a roasty kind of thing. But it was at that, you know, in comedy, it's like if you don't know somebody that well and they're ahead of you, you're not supposed to rip them back. I absolutely shouldn't have been like, do you know who the fuck I am? I've been hosting this open mic for six months. I'm a big deal on this street corner on Malden Avenue.

It's my fucking city. So I said something back to him. He had said something. I said something back to him, and he just wound up and threw a fucking power bar at me. It was really, really funny. Very funny. All right, guys. And the final one.

A woman took a bite of her husband's grilled cheese sandwich. He went to the basement, grabbed his gun, and began firing it into the floor above the kitchen. Their children were home.

Oh, my God. Did anybody die? Someone's dead. Definitely the grilled cheese. That's such a weird action movie sequence to just fire into, so you just see bullets

coming up out of the ground. That's horrifying. And you're like breathing with your, like, against the wall. It was a homemade mac and cheese? It was a grilled cheese.

You've already lost the information. Mac and cheese, she's still like chewing the grilled cheese. I know. I got cheese right. You did.

You got cheese. Yeah, Tom would ace any test as long as the answer was the last word they said in the question. See, you they said the question so you're not the only one who gets brutal when they're hungry connor oh damn again we're talking about

how we're in a good mood earlier so the show just became a kathy cartoon because we were just bitching like oh my god when i haven't had my eight hours i am a rat i don't even talk to me till i've had my coffee sister who took my yo play out of the fridge? I don't know who Kathy is. It's like a cartoon about a single chubby woman who's just like, Oh, my God. My horoscope was bad. Tom, you are literally the furthest person away from their demographic of a Kathy cartoon. Oh, yeah.

I can think of no piece of media you would relate to less than Kathy the comic strip. I feel like that's most pieces of media. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're probably right about that. I think you've so far just resonated with Taxi Driver and Tom Waits, and everything else has been kind of a swing and a miss. I like Vonnegut. Oh, he likes Vonnegut, yeah.

Tom does... Tom, it's funny. We were the other night at the Fonda Theater for the Rose Battle. Yeah. And there's this weird piece of art on the wall, and I kind of remarked, like, oh, this guy's got a flute up his ass and Tom knew the whole history of the painting. Yeah, he brought his Bosch.

Yeah, Tom goes, yeah. Tom literally turned to me and goes like, yeah, he often painted paintings that were his depiction of hell. See, he believed. And I was like, Tom, how do you know so much about this artist? Well, I mean, what's crazy about him is if he just, like, painted that, they would have fucking probably executed them.

But he found a way to get the, I think it was the Catholics, to commission him to paint depictions of hell. And that's why he could do edgy artwork. This is why I believe. Oh, he found like a loophole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. I don't believe if I ever got trapped in some kind of a saw escape room situation tom is the only one who gets us out alive because tom knows all of his little oh yeah yeah yeah pieces of information i do think that the house

you know would be a good horror movie team like i think everything like keith keith is the schmooze like in terms of schmoozing someone and manipulating people like in an apocalypse scenario keith is absolutely worth keeping around because he can fucking he's got a silver tongue you know silver tongue you've got me. I'm the guy who's going to go like, alright, we have a Campbell's 2 can. Let's build the boat. Two strings. I ordered a couple of things on Amazon. If we plug them all in together, I can build

a small Cessna. That's my skill. That's my contribution. Opie dies. Opie's like, man, I haven't had my Maca powder. I'm fading, dog. Also, Opie gives too much power to the supernatural, so he will yield. Opie's very afraid of the supernatural. We got into a bitter argument because I left a Ouija board on the table.

He's like, yo, could you move that? I'm like, oh, yeah, sorry. Just bring it to my room. He's like, I'm not touching that thing. One of you grabs a knife and he's like, yo, that's like my knife. I know we're fighting marauders, but like, that's like my tire iron.

He tells the demon, those are my fudge tin brownies. So like, if you want to like use them, that's all right. Yo, like, I mean, if you're going to like,

it's okay to like take my ammunition to shoot off a raider, but like ask before you use mine. One of my favorite memories is we were just fresh in the comedy. It's okay to take my ammunition to shoot off a raider, but ask before you use my ammunition. One of my favorite memories is we were just fresh into comedy. We had all these great ideas, and we had this idea for a sketch. Remember where the Ouija board just kept spelling? It was about to spell the N-word, and we were like... Oh, yeah, I remember.

We briefly tried to start a sketch troupe. And Opie legitimately was like, yo, dog, honestly, if you guys have a Ouija board, I won't even be needing a sketch. That was his problem. He was like, if you guys could like... He legitimately brought this up as a point that he thought would be an acceptable solution. You guys could like green screen me in.

Opie literally wanted us to get like a fucking Spielberg budget on this fucking sketch so he didn't have to see a Parker Brothers Ouija board. Yeah, we shot one sketch. I wonder if I still can find it anywhere with Ian Davis and Damien. It was about you have a fake hand that you put in your long-sleeved shirt so that you can jerk off under the table. And it was called a handy J. That's really funny.

And it was just like, what is this idea? It's one of those things where like something about comedy where it's like... This got shut down on Mad TV 12 years ago. Your first ideas are terrible and then 13 years later,

you go like, they're actually really funny. And like that, I go, it's actually really funny. When you're writing for anything, it's always the first joke you write and the last joke

you write, you know? Yes. All right. So you guys think that the grilled cheese bandit... He looks dead. Dead. I'm going to separate myself in this game.

You know, they lived. They all lived that round. They all lived that round. Man, fucking lame. Yeah, but I like this guy. He kept us on our toes. That is like a weird Breaking Bad finale moment where the Nazis are upstairs. Dude, we were just talking about that fucking final scene.

How great was that fucking... You remember that Badfinger song that they used, Baby Blue? Oh, yeah. Perfect. God, perfect. Yeah, man. Good week for Badfinger. I always like when someone, they pop up like an obscure band into a famous scene, and it's

just like, those guys could use a damn residual check, you know? God bless them. What a fucking band. What a good band. I know. Goldfinger? Badfinger. Oh.

Yeah, the band based on the Austin Powers movie. They're really underrated. On the same record label as the Beatles. Isn't Goldfinger the do-do-do-do-do-do-do? There might be a band called Goldfinger. I just, I don't know. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Keith would know.

That sounds right. It might be one of this, like, K-Rock acoustic Christmas bands. Keep humming. We'll get there. Yeah. That does sound like it. Yeah, I think there is, like, a punk band. From Tony Stark. Tony Stark. a punk band. From Tony Stark.

Tony Stark. Not Tony Stark. Like good rollerblades. Oh, fuck. Who's the skateboard Tony? Oh, dude. No, I'm not stopping to tell you. Who's the skateboard Tony?

$15 a month. That sounds like something you shout at an Italian child who's making a ruckus outside your house. Get out of here, you skateboard Tony. Not the metal Tony. The skateboard Tony. Who's the metal Tony? Stark. Iron Tony. Not the metal Tony, the skateboard Tony. Who's the metal Tony? Stark.

Iron Tony. I guess iron's a metal. Yeah, I know my elements. Tony Hawk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Hawk. 15 bucks a month. His video game. Tony Pigeon.

15 bucks a month, get your Tony Stark. I used to listen to this all the time, play goalie lacrosse. What a great soundtrack. The Tony Hawk Pro Skater soundtrack. Yeah. Unbelievable. That really made a lot of careers. Oh, my God.

Wasn't that Goldfinger? Could have been. Yeah. Tom, I'm actually with you on this one. Yeah. For a punk band, getting on the Tony Hawk Pro Skater soundtrack was like getting a Netflix special. It really was. It was a Netflix special.

It was a Tonight Show set. Yeah, that was like the Johnny Carson Tonight Show for no effects making a comeback. Alright, well that was Did They Die. We'll be right back with the Meat Boys Mailbag right after this. Hi, this is Tom Goss, and for years now

I have been saying words into your ears using computers I don't understand. And today I'm going to use the computers to teach you how to make food. That's right, tonight is Making Agosta. Like pasta, but my name. Get it? Our country has been very rude to other countries lately,

saying that they can't live here, saying that all those people from other countries are criminals, putting kids in cages, and for that reason, I am going to try to heal through food and bridge the walls between two countries by teaching you how to make sushi. Sushi is a dish prepared in loud restaurants where people are often wearing scarves on their heads, but not in an ISIS-y way, more of a I-don't-trust- foreheads way. Usually when you walk in, someone screams something in either Japanese or Aramaic. It might be a spell, you can never be sure, they seem happy, and I

don't trust smiles. But today I teach you how to have sushi without the confusion of sorcery. The first thing you need to do is make rice. Rice is small bread that tastes better as it gets wetter, similar to a vagina or a glass of water. You're going to take the rice and drown it, then make it feel warm, similar to a vagina or a glass of frozen water. After the rice isn't hard to chew, you're ready to make sushi. If the rice is hard, try to loosen it more with hot water. You put the rice on one side of the seaweed, which I recommend you get from the store. One time I tried to find seaweed myself and a small child drowned. Then you need fish. You want

the fish to be dead. This is very important because living fish will fight you when you eat them. Cut them up to ensure his death, then put the pieces throughout the seaweed, and then add hard vegetables. Carrots, cucumbers, celery, Stephen Hawking's, whatever you want. Once you've applied the seaweed, rice, and sushi innards together, you're going to get the bunch of rolling sticks they used to torture John McCain.

Then use the torture device to roll it into a burrito. See, I told you it was an homage to Mexico. Burritos! Cut it up into sad circles and voila. Sushi. Gotta go now. Itadakimasu.

Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back. Before we get into it, Ramsey Bedau has got a new podcast called The Big Ass Ram Dog Show. Keith and I were just guests on episode one. You guys should go subscribe. Check that shit out Get a little more Ramsey Bedau in your life every week I'm excited you finally You're at the helm of your own ship

Oh dude So much great feedback from the Mean Boys people Even though you couldn't hear episode one Even though it was a little quiet Yeah I got some pointers The audio was a little bad It was new stuff I was still kicking in some of the stuff

But oh dude Episode two is going to be a blast Who you got coming in for that one? Episode two, we got Chris Estrada. We got Paige Weldon. And I believe we're also going to have Asif Ali sit in. Oh, hell yeah. Hopefully, follow me on Twitter right now

at TheBardShow. Twitter.com slash TheBardShow. And I think we're going to live stream it. Hopefully. So, live stream. Check out the live stream. New episodes every Wednesday. Already trying to cuck us with better technical capabilities. Dude, I'm trying to get the Mean Boys up and running on the

live stream. If you guys love the idea of a Mean Boys live stream. Oh, it would be fun, man. It'd be fun to do for the bonus episodes or whatever. You guys could ask us silly things in real time. I'm telling you, man. I think it'll be a lot of fun. Anyways. It will be fun, yeah.

We're actually looking at the studio. You're like, oh, I actually am not embarrassed to invite people here anymore. No, not at all. I think you do a couple more. I have a couple more tweaks. Again, it's like I didn't have Ritalin for a week and then I had it again and then boom, the studio was done.

Oh, yeah, dude. That's fucking rocket fuel, man. Pure fucking just junky fucking energy. Oh, yeah. Ramsey texts me for one of two things. It's either to ask to borrow Ritalin or he's excited about something he just did while he's hopped up on Ritalin. I really do. Conor's one of the first people that I go, yo, dude, guess what?

Just got an old Chevy Nova. Yeah, yeah. Dude, looked into it. Crocheting is not that hard. And guess what? They're paying top dollar from Buffett Panholders on the fucking Etsy right now. You know what's easier than crocheting is not that hard. And guess what? They're paying top dollar from Buffett Panholders on the fucking Etsy right now. You know what's easier than crocheting is knitting. I like knitting better.

Listen, Tom. I can't imagine you I can imagine you with knitting needles using them for other things. I picture you knitting, Tom, but somehow something dies. Like you're knitting and it's like a kitten unrelated as to it. Oh yeah, you're knitting like fucking animal ligaments. You know, like, oh yeah, I made a quilt out of skunk parts.

I figured I could wear it and become their leader so they would finally respect my authority as a biped. Everyone else in my family is fucking crocheting and I'm the only rebel who's knitting. Yeah, that's good. I was such a Bobby Hill ass kid because my mother and aunts would quilt and shit. My grandma would crochet and I'd be like, dad, my aunt my grandma would crochet and be like dad this is awesome and he'd be like no yeah so I don't you want to play baseball I was like are you kidding me all right we're almost done with this show I said so many things this episode that I would like to get tattooed onto my

body oh yeah I'm the only rebel knitting it true. Everyone else fucking crocheted. Except my dad. He has arthritis. He didn't do shit. He just wears hats. Okay. What? He doesn't make them? Yeah.

He's more in the wear and hat game, not so much in the making them by hand like an Amish person game. I like that the Goss family has this like, they're like, look, we see the world as one of two people. You make hats or you wear hats. He's an importer, not an exporter. No one in my family wears hats. I want to know what the Goss family Thanksgiving conversations are about. It's always... Because I've met your family and they're all kind of odd in their own way, I guess I'd say.

Yeah, no, we're all profoundly unique in our own way, which is the nice way of saying we're all lunatics. But yeah, they're not all Tom. They're all just equally strange in different directions. Your mom was a surprise to me. Your dad, I was like, yeah, this is Tom's dad. I could feel it. I want to meet your dad so bad. Tom's dad really loves my dad.

Ever since you told me that I got super drunk. We probably talked about it on a bonus episode, I think. About how I got super drunk. Have we talked? Oh, we probably talked. We talked about it on a bonus episode, I think, about how I got super drunk and then was laughing at everything. And then you told me that your dad's favorite dad joke was when someone said, like, go ahead. Oh, yeah. What would you say?

Oh, yeah. Nicole was hammered. And I was doing my dad's favorite dad jokes. And I go, all right, my favorite is, you know, when we're all waiting to sit down for dinner and we're waiting for my dad. We're jokes and I go, alright, my favorite is when we're all waiting to sit down for dinner and we're waiting for my dad. We're like, can we go ahead? And he goes, don't call me a goat head. And then Nicole

lost her fucking mind. I wanted this. You said your dad's favorite dad jokes. I'm picturing a late 90s infomercial which is like, 101 best dad jokes from Carl Goss featuring such classics as, Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

And let's all say grace. Grace. Are there like conservative Muslim dad jokes? Is your dad ever like, yeah, don't lose your head like a gay person in our home country? There is no joke that doesn't end with the Jews as a punchline. I knew that was coming. Full-heartedly. Oh, yeah, dude.

Tom, your dad reminds me when I met him. I met him twice, I think. He's reminding me of one of the Harvard professors who got fired for giving their students DMT or whatever. Oh, yeah, exactly. That's fucking perfect. You know when you're a kid and your dad yells at you? He's using his dad voice. There's a very particular dad voice where you're like, oh, shit, I've got to go take out the fucking trash now.

I was at Tom's house, and your brother didn't clean the room. Your brother needed to clean his room. And Carl Goss shouting at him made me like, I almost pissed my pants like I was 11 years old and I wasn't even in trouble. Oh, he's got like an intense ass dad voice. Oh, yeah. It was like, I cleaned it last week. It hasn't been cleaned since we fucking moved in here.

Get up there and grab a vacuum, shithead. It was like, whoa, fuck. My dad doesn't have a dad voice i mean he's very like he's a very cob like jokey guy but when he is mad he is fucking mad and that goes for anybody if you piss him off he'll fucking start not at anybody he'll just start like throwing shit and stuff but he's like a genuinely sweet person i'm kind of of the same way. Where I get mad, everyone's like, oh, let's go talk about Cold Stone or something. Yeah.

There was that week where we used to call you the Rape Punisher. Oh yeah, I remember that, yeah. You would just constantly appear near manholes that were like fogging. Manholes that steam. And Tom would just appear from behind it to attack. I'm going to say his name. Yeah, bleholes that steam. And Tom would just appear from behind it to attack. I'm going to say his name.

Yeah, bleep that out. Yeah, yeah. I loved it. Oh, man, the man punisher. All right. Well, yeah, we're all fired up. Let's get into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. And that's where the jingle just went. You've heard the jingle, right, Rams? Oh, yeah. It's a really good jingle. Yeah, Andrew Hillary.

Big ups. I'm truly jealous of the Mean Boys fans because they're resourceful and they have nothing to do with their lives. Oh, they got nothing but time, baby. I'm just like, could you, someone do a bird's nest, but instead of being made out of cigarettes, it's a cigarette bed. I'm like, yeah, dude, fucking, the big meek did that shit in like three hours, wow.

Here's every Mean Boys fan. I haven't had a job in nine years, but by the way, guys, I whittled this perfect wood, this perfect wood sculpture of Keith Carey, and it's amazing. Yeah, I'm living on permanent disability from getting fired from a wood shop. But I did make you guys a desk. I've said this once and I'll say it again.

And I love it. Every single time I see a Mean Boys fan, my first thought is, of course. Oh, it's funny. When we're doing our shows on the road and we're waiting for people to show up, every time we see a skinny white dude walk up with a big curvy girlfriend, we're like, that's one of ours. And we're always right. We're never wrong.

Shout out to the two guys who showed up to the clubhouse to see me go up. And sorry once again for giving you the wrong time of the show. So you missed my set, but you guys were fucking rad. Oh, that's cool, man. I forgot your names. They just showed up for a meet and greet with Tom Goss. Yeah, I forgot your names. It was something normal and something hilarious.

It was like Charlie and Spuds or something like that. Charlie and Spuds. I know that you were approached by a canceled Nickelodeon show. I know that's not it, but you guys were super fucking cool. You talk to a zillion people on stage, and certain people just stick with you. There was this pair of lesbians in fucking Tacoma, Washington. Big, fat, Walmart scooter, fucking white trash lady. And then just slightly less fat, gnarly, could beat the shit out of anybody,

like Mohawk black chick. And they were a lesbian couple. The big white bitch had a cane, and their names were Silky and Phaedra. And I laughed. I did 45 minutes about Silky and Phaedra. Just hardcore bitches. They were awesome. I love that they both sounded like Dove chocolate.

Silky and Phaedra. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, you guys should be some kind of morning radio team. Silky and Petra. So good, dude. All right. So Horatio Von Zipper writes, how do you tell when she's just not that into you? Interesting.

How do you know when you've been shot down? Pepper spray is fair. Pepper spray, yeah. You know, I've never had that issue. I feel like I can always. What a charming remark. No, no, no. Meaning like, I've never been like, is she not into me? I feel like I can always. What a charming remark. No, no, no. Meaning like I've never been like, is she not into me?

I feel like, you know, you know, I've never been surprised by a woman being into me. I was about to say you if you're like a normal human being with like like any kind of self-awareness, you know when a girl... Because girls, we're crazy. And if we like you, we're fucking replying to your text within three seconds. And we let you know. You know when a girl's into you. If you have any doubt that she's into you, she's not. I heard one piece of useful advice. Tell me if this would work with you, Nicole. You just broke a thousand fat, sweaty hearts, Nicole.

Tell me if this would work with you. Because this is a broke a thousand fat, sweaty hearts, Nicole. Tell me if this would work with you. Because this is a piece of advice. Honesty comes from love. My broadcasting hero, Adam Carolla, once gave, and I thought it was good, where he basically said, if you want to find out if a chick is into you, and you talk to her on a regular basis, you bring up something like, let's say, I don't know,

what fucking movie's out right now? Oh, 8th Grade. Black Panther. Okay, that movie was out four or five months ago. It's still out. It's on DVD. You go, hey, you know what movie seems great? If it comes in a casual conversation, you go, I want to see that movie, 8th grade. And if she goes...

I want to see it, too. Oh, yeah. I'd love to see that movie. Yeah, I want to see it, too. Then she's into you. Yeah. If she goes, yeah, I heard it was good, then you're watching 8th grade alone. That's a pretty damn good litmus test. That's move right i'm kind of opposed to moves on a whole but i think in terms of like if you are that's not a creepy although if i'm friends with

them i would say i want to see it too also yes so it depends on the kind of relationship or tom was like i want to see eighth grade i'd be like i want to see it too let's go yeah and i think that so i think it think it all depends on the kind of person, the kind of relationship you have with this person preceding it. Right. Because I do think like the guys who have their move with the girl,

I think there are certain moves that it's like if you are just dipping your toe into flirting with people and learning how to do it, I think it's acceptable to have kind of a loose structure in place, you know, and like shit that like agreed upon non-creepy behavior to sort of like feel it out. So I think that's definitely a good move.

I like that. Yeah, yeah. Typically, to answer the question, I just assume no one is into me and it saves you a lot of headache. Man, me and Keith were doing a Tom Goss like flirting group camp. We got to do that on the show. Oh, yeah. I mean, so I was like, okay, Tom, I'll doing a Tom Goss like flirting group camp. we gotta do that on the show. Oh yeah,

I mean, so I was like, okay Tom, I'll be a cute girl, we give him a scenario and then I'll be the girl and then like, Tom has to try

to flirt with me. So we should, are you down to do it right now? We could try one. If you wanna, I guess. This sounds like Connor

just looking for an excuse to be a cute girl. Well we have, it's so funny when it's like, it's like we have Nicole, Connor, and Connor goes, I'll be a cute girl well we have it's so funny when it's like it's like we have nicole connor and connor's like i'll be the cute girl oh this is like when we were talking about what pokemon we're gonna fuck and we realized we all just assumed we're fucking male pokemon it wasn't even like a female squirtle right right nicole you be a cunty white guy and i'll be the

cute girl right you be keith all. We're going on the road soon. Okay. So we just did the live Mean Boys podcast in Portland, Oregon. August 9th. Nice. Tickets on sale now. Nice. The show went great.

This girl came with a friend. She'd never heard of it before, but she had a really good time, and she's walking up to you to say that she liked the show. Okay. Now, Tom, I want you to make something happen here. Nicole, you'll be the Mean Boys fan. Tom, you'll be Tom. And scene.

Wait, are you in this too? No. No? Okay. We're going to play by plane there. Hit this. Yeah, yeah. Already, I want to let you guys know, the listeners, Tom has assumed a strange stance.

Each foot is pointing a different direction. His shoulders did the strangest move where they just... What happened was his shoulders dropped, and then he's now forcibly trying to pick them up and it feels very forced. The very idea of hypothetical pussy was broached and now he's behaving like a 19

year old trying to buy booze hoping it doesn't get carded. Tom has assumed that the body posture of one of those clowns you hit and then it comes right back up. It's mostly just my back hurts, but I'm sure it's got something. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, now he's ducking and doing a little shadow boxing. Bitches love shadow boxing.

Just, yeah, stretching for the conversation. Here we go. Fuck everything. God is dead. The show's over and now the chick's rolling up. Hey, Tom. I'm Jen. I'm Cinnamon Sugar Tits on Twitter.

We've tweeted back and forth. You're my favorite meme boy. I really love the lightning round. I'm going to stop this right now. Unrealistic. I don't think anyone would say that. Yeah, Cinnamon Sugar Tits seems like a little too tame of a name for a meme boy's fan. But go ahead. My name's Devil Gooch 45.

It's always the numbers with our fans. Okay, okay. I'm Pube Salad. We'll let you start. I'm Big Knife Cunt on Twitter. We've tweeted back and forth a few times. The one who sent you that meme. I just love you. You're one of my

favorite meme boys. Oh, thanks. You enjoy the show? I love the show. I'm a huge meme boys Boys. Oh, thanks. You enjoy the show? I love the show. I'm a huge Mean Boys fan. I loved it. I love the lightning round segment. And every time you talk, it cracks me up. I think you're great. Oh, thank you.

Do you drink? Do you want to drink? I don't drink. I got pancreatitis. Oh, that's awful. No, it's fine. No, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You drink?

I do. Do you smoke weed? Do you want to go smoke out back? Yeah, maybe very little. Yes. Shut up. Yeah, let's get it. Yeah. shut up yeah let's get yeah tom flirts with women the way i talk to chinese liquor store owners

who don't understand english that well where i'm like yes a little bit american spirit yellow box i thought i wasn't doing that bad this time so we're out he got He got it outside smoking. We're outside smoking a little. Okay. Okay, okay. How long are you in town for? I don't...

I don't know. Wait. He looked at... He looked at Connor because in a fictional scenario, Connor still handles business. We gotta... We gotta bust to Seattle tomorrow, buddy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Tell tomorrow morning, I think. Yeah yeah it sounded like you're saying tell tomorrow morning something like tell tomorrow like pass some information on tomorrow yeah tomorrow i leave in the morning do you have a place to crash where are you i don't know i didn't ask making it so easy for you i was doing ones where it was like, kind of he had to work for it, but you're just like, hey, Tom, do you want a fuck?

And you're like, oh, yeah, no, I can't drink. Look, I thought... You know what's the liver? Not the other one. I thought I'd start on level one, and you did not pass. Man, dude. Yeah, you're playing the tutorial in the video game,

and you just died. I really think we have to film Tom. I didn't think I was doing that bad. There's literally an arrow pointing straight to the pussy going click here and you're like, where do I click? Okay. I have a place in Sox. Well, I mean. You have a place with Sox?

No. The place is bad. Yeah. I'm sleeping on a table. Hey, Jen, this fool is stupid. Let's get out of here. I'm her crazy Latina friend. This fool is stupid.

Let's get out of here. Oh, this is a very good obstacle. You're going to have to overcome situations like this in the wild, Tom. There's the stupid Latina friend. Hey, what's up? I'm Priscilla. I am Tom. Nice to meet you.

You look fucking weird, dude. I agree. Priscilla, aren't you like a really big fan of Connor? He's over there. You should go say hi. I'm such a, but this fool's giving me the creep. Yeah, sorry. My friend wants to fuck you, fool.

Why don't you want to fuck her? I will if she wants to. Is this still better than any improv show I've ever seen? Yeah, no, if she wants, we can do that. Yeah. Hey, fool. Fool, you suck, fool. Now I turn to Chris Estrada. Here's the thing.

I say we do this. I say we really set Tom up with a girl, and we earpiece him. Here's why I'm saying this. I did recently build a Bluetooth headset. We Cyrano him. A couple of days ago, I went onto Amazon. I picked up a few items. I learned how to build a wireless transmitter.

I really think. Shut the fuck up. Ramsey, are you smoking meth? I built it myself. It's not that hard. It's not that complicated. I got a soldering iron. I got it on Craigslist. Every time you end

a Ritalin story, you go, it's really freaking me out, man. There's no punchline. You're just like, yeah, I built three stairs for nothing. It's one of those things where you go, it's like you know how Connor was talking about. It's a step stool that doesn't move. When Connor talks about you do like a stereotypical racist thing, I realize sometimes all of my

Ritalin stories end stereotypically Ritalin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I wrote a four and a half page single space legal defense for a parking ticket. Did you actually do that? I absolutely did. I love you, bro. MLA format, legal citations, mailed it in. That's rad

I'm waiting four months I have to wait four months I check every day the mail I'm like did they respond damn it Ramsey loves

like battling bureaucracy it's his whole shit I thought I did better than the one we did where I just kept talking about winter sports it would work if the girl was like

skiing and shit I was like Tom did you just watch the winter Olympics, you goon? Well, I brought up ice rinks. And Connor goes, well, why? And I was like, I don't know. I played hockey.

I thought it would be a good end. And then later I was like, oh. And she was like going to the mountain. I was like, oh, are you skiing? Here's the problem. Later I brought up scarves. And Connor screams, Tom, stop talking about winter activities. It is July.

Here's the problem. It seems like you're not into her at all. So she's going to be like, but I feel like if she was a huge fan, loves what you do, and she has no sassy Latina friend in the form of Ramsey, you close that deal. She says, hey, my roommates are out of

town and if you need a place to crash, you can come deal. She says, hey, my roommates are out of town, and if you need a place to crash, you can come crash. I think it's just a funny game. It is a funny game. We're talking to Tom about flirting. We broke down the different parts of his life into three tiers. Like, all right, tier three, you do not talk about being in special ed until date number five.

All right, tier two, pancreatitis. It's a part of your life. It's not exactly fun dinner conversation. You know, and then tier one is just like, okay, save some of the animal facts for after they realize that, you know, you're not insane. It's like sometimes talking to Tom about his game is kind of like what I imagine like DUI schools are to people where they're like, no drinking and driving. And they're like, all right driving and they're like all right but hold up question what if i wait like 10 minutes after i drink so i'm not doing a while i'm dry it's like no you can't good question charlie no all right this feels like a question for ramsey can you

recommend an audio book to me i got one credit onudible and I don't know what to use it on. Ooh. I don't know. Interesting. What's the book? Oh, you know what? And I just finished this. Christopher Hitchens' memoir.

The one he... Hitch 22? No, no. He wrote one right as he was dying called Mortality. And I just finished reading that book

and it's fucking really, really, really good. Man, this is... Talk about a riddling conversation. Two dudes just fucking... Talking about the old Hitch dog. Talking about Hitch dog. Oh, fuck. Keith is in here. Man, this is, talk about a riddling conversation. Two dudes just fucking. Talking about the old Hitch dog. Talking about Hitch dog. Oh, fuck.

Thank God Keith is in here. Whenever Keith is here, he really puts the kibosh on the Hitch dog talk, but now that he's not here. No, that's a great book. I highly recommend it. I was dating Jessica

and I was listening to, you got me into Hitch 22, I was listening to it and she's like, I feel like all the Nazis on the internet are into him, so be careful. And I was like,

ah, no, he's cool. You gotta, think with a grain of salt, but he's a good writer. You know what he really got me? That book got me to stop completely stop smoking or vaping or doing anything like i don't do any of that stuff anymore because of reading that book oh yeah because he talks specifically about losing his voice and how much of an impact he realized that had on him emotionally that's my biggest fear is losing my ability to speak yeah he realized he goes as soon as i realized i couldn't speak anymore he's like i realized i i lost the most basic thing that made

me a an exceptional person yeah i kind of went like oh boy that's like it really hit me hard that's fucking heartbreaking like he got very emotional about that's like that's like one of leonard nimoy's last tweets is like i used to smoke i don't anymore but if i could change one thing about my life i never would have yeah and you're And you're like, damn. It's just like every, I mean, don't get me wrong. I'll still have a cigarette. I'll have a cigarette right after this podcast. But I stopped like going,

like I was smoking, you know, daily. I had a pack of cigarettes. I read that and I just fucking tossed them because it's so, it moved me because he's like, everything else was fine. The fucking cancer, the screening, all of it.

I felt nothing. Puking, constantly swollen. When I started to speak and I turned, I had this like high pitched weird voice. I realized like I lost the one thing that i had that made me an exceptional person and like he's like it was the biggest the thing that surprised so that was that's a great book i highly recommend it yeah i love fucking nixon land by uh uh rick perlstein i hadn't read it it's fucking interesting man he does a really nice job of like kind of bring like bringing

the end to he he kind of brings the whole world of the 1970s and the pop culture and everything into the narrative you know so it's just a really kind of wonderful snapshot of the crazy time you know yeah damn you know it's like shit you've kind of heard of and you're like oh fuck yeah that's like and he'll be talking about like you know impeachment procedure like riots or whatever and then he'll go on like it'll be three pages about the shining and about like how that like affected like you know the national conversation and it's like oh shit it's you kind of see it's very similar shit that's going on now it's very it's very interesting

yeah nixon was undoubtedly such a fucking bizarre dude so that's a good yeah that's a good history book that's like that's like a fun one to listen to and you can sound smart for a couple weeks totally you know the other one i would pitch is uh 10 happier by dan harris uh it's a meditation book fucking bloom bloom my dicks off. Now I'm zen because of this one. I know, dude. I enjoy this new phase of our lives where we're embracing some of the corny shit we enjoy. Oh, dude, I'm so into meditation.

I'm going to sign up for a class. I'm loving it. I love it. I did a meditation class. Did you? For transcendental meditation. Ooh. Did you pay the big bucks for the...

I'm going to ask you really quickly. Don't go too far off. Did you like Transcendental Meditation? I love it. Great. I don't do it enough, but I love it. I think it really helps with like depression and shit because I actually do DBT for like the diagnosis, the mental diagnosis that I got. I do dialectical behavioral therapy.

And I realized, like I started doing that like two years after I learned TM. And like the way they teach you to be just in life with DBT is the way you're supposed to be in transcendental meditation. It's all about just like letting thoughts,

like you're allowed to have thoughts, but you just let them like flow through like you're supposed to have. Yeah, just kind of being able to observe them without having to live. Existing right between it. What up, Eli? Eli Sayers is in the building.

We're just talking about gay meditation shit. What's up, man? Speak of the devil. I gotta run. Oh, you gotta run. Okay, you're just dropping your shit off. Say hi to the Mean Boys listeners. What's up, Mean Boys listeners?

There's some beers for you guys if you want to drink it in the fridge. God bless you. The actual Mean Boys. But Red's some beers for you guys if you want to drink it in the fridge. God bless you. The actual Mean Boys. But Red Stripe. This episode is brought to you by a half full pack of Red Stripe. It was also brought to us by Borax. I can't wait to go to the fucking reggae show and get fucked up on Red Stripe.

For $25 a month to the patron, I'll send you one of these beers one time. Dude, yeah, that's my move, too, when I crash with somebody. You just get you one of these beers one time. That's my move too when I crash with somebody. You just get a case of beer and all is forgiven. You can stink up the bathroom all you want. Update. There are two red stripes. Nice.

You're welcome to kill them. I don't even drink. I don't drink at all, but that move I love so much. I brought two drink. I don't drink. Do you want a donut? Okay. I don't drink at all, but that move I love so much. I brought two beers. I go, God bless you. Yeah, yeah. I just love the move of being like, ah, you know, it's nice.

It's nice. It's nice to know. It makes me feel like an adult. I had that one time. I was buying beer for someone we were crashing with, and we hadn't gotten paid for the gig yet, so we were broke. So I was like eight cents short, and he's like, if it was a Fanta, I could cut you some slack. But like, I can't do this with beer. Like, I'll get fired.

And I was like, well, let me get the shit of your beer. All right. But anyway, yeah, it's great. I'm a big, I'm a big, I've never tried TM. I want to try TM. I did it because I was really depressed and my dad heard Howard Stern talk about it. That's a big thing.

And he was like. It's so funny when like kind of gnarly dudes, you know. Yeah. Not to compare us to him, but you know, like a guy like you, Ramsey, who like just loves Craigslist scams. But it's like, yeah, it's like, oh, yeah, we need a little inner peace to call people gay. Yeah. It really is so great. He talked about how it helped his mom's depression, how he started doing it.

And he was like so desperate to try and help me because he didn't know what to do. So he was like, I'll send you to this TM thing. That's very sweet. I can't get enough of your father listening to Howard Stern and thinking about you. I thought about you all listening to Howard Stern. Dude, I grew up with my dad listening to it in the car. That's why I'm the way. I love all of that.

I love all of that i love all of that that for those of you who are still not on board with the bard show that's the bard show's mission statement is to bring back fucking shot i'm gonna be a millennial shock jock that's my entire call to life yeah i really yeah listen to it with your children in the car yeah we don't make them cool we make them cool if you want them to turn out good eventually yeah they're gonna be it's gonna be a rough 15 years but it'll all pan out at some point in the mid-20s. We have guys shooting the shit, but we don't have guys advocating for whip-em-out Wednesdays. And that's where I'm coming in, baby.

All right. It's High Beam Thursdays and the Big Ass Ram Dog Show. If you see the high beams, show them your boobs. Let me go ahead and reveal what I'm cooking on right now for the next episode. This is a little preview. Brian Dunkelman, season one. Oh, I know Brian. I roasted Brian Dunkelman.

Oh, yeah. That was great. Season one of American Idol, he hosted with Ryan Seacrest, and he was fired. Yeah. Here's the thing. He came in looking for apartments back when I was selling apartments in Silver Lake, right? So I got his phone number back then. What?

You were a Silver Lake landlord? Yeah, I was selling him. This was a brief period. Do you remember this period of my life? I do, yeah, yeah. Well, Ramsey's had so many hilarious jobs. Yes, I've never had a job that... I've never had a job where they wanted to pay me above the table.

You guys didn't know when I did ad sales for an industrial rug cleaner? I used to fucking grow medical marijuana in Orange County. I forgot about that one, yeah. I worked for the Republican Party. I mean, who could forget that? Yeah. But anyways, so I got Brian Dunkelman's number back then. Last week, I texted Brian Dunkelman out of the blue and I said, hey, Brian, it's me, Ramsey.

Last week, you agreed to do my podcast. I'm trying to sync you up on what day we can schedule to come in. And he goes, yeah, totally, man. And he starts writing me dates. And I go, I, totally, man. And she starts writing me dates. And I go, I'm totally going to get him on the podcast. I could have just DM'd him. Yeah, because he was judging a roast battle I did. And we had a back and forth.

I just had this sneaky suspicion that in LA, if you text anybody at any point and go, you agreed to do my podcast last week. Oh, shit. Yeah, I did. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Dude, that's fucking funny, man. So I'm going to try to keep getting D-list celebrity phone numbers

and just like getting them to come to my podcast. Oh, dude. Yeah. Rebs just pops Adderall and fucking guesses email address. Let's see what we do with brian.dunkelman

at gmail.com. All right. Would you guys ever do a live show overseas? Yeah, of course. Yeah, if we wouldn't lose a ton of money. Yeah, absolutely. If we want to. If we want to. Yeah, if we wouldn't lose a ton of money. Absolutely.

Some want to. Some want to. You know what? John at Harvell's was telling me... He keeps saying Mean Boys would be great in Japan.

He claims... Probably right. I don't know. He claims some woman he knows who runs a burlesque show out there in Japan saw your guys' joke off

and was like, this would play huge over here. Your guys' podcast is kind of like this would play huge over here. Your guys' podcast is kind of like a podcast form of one of those ridiculous Japanese commercials. It is kind of, yeah. We sort of do emotionally what they do with

fried food contests and bikini models. What a great pitch, dude. That's so funny. It's just like someone randomly throws a fried shrimp and then there's a bear. It's like Fear Factor, but with deep-se seated insecurities shit about kids getting beheaded

I've always described this as verbal jackass yeah oh yeah verbal jackass is good I would say it's impractical jokers except instead of joking

you're impractically pointing out each other's insecurities yeah yeah I don't know if it's been asked but which of the mean boys needs to get queer eyed the most

Tom Tom no although Tom has been queer eyed himself a little bit I'm telling you dude when I saw Tom I don't know if it's been asked, but which of the Mean Boys needs to get queer-eyed the most? Tom. Tom, no. Although Tom has been queer-eyeing himself a little bit. Yeah, he has been. I'm telling you, dude. When I saw Tom the other day, it really turned something gay in me. I was like, Tom's a good-looking dude.

Tom's gotten to a point which I never thought you would get to. No fault of your own. This is part of the thing that makes you a great person. But you've started to dress nice, not because because you care but because i think that you're just like you're annoyed with having to deal with other people commenting on it or whatever so you just you've started to kind of put together some more less outlandish outfits where you're not wearing like walmart jeans a hockey jersey and purple rebox that are seven years old it's still it's i'm still just wearing things that people have given to me. So in that sense,

you guys are all kind of on the come up right now. Like you guys are all like stepping up your game fashion. I feel like this house, they could queer eye this house. They could queer eye the house. Teach you how to cook some food.

I doubt food is ever cooked in that kitchen. You know what? That's a good point. Yeah, the only person that's really on top of everything is Opie. He's got nice outfits

He does like meal prep And shit I'm pretty close You're good Yeah you know You do have You got a nice wardrobe You guys can be Opie

I dress nice I got good haircuts I'm fine Yeah I got the The food I'm still lagging on I just haven't had time To cook this month But yeah I've kind of

Upgraded my wardrobe I got kind of a new steez I've been fucking with That I've been enjoying Com man's upped it up. I think we could queer eye Keith. And it's not so much. Keith just has certain habits.

Certain habits where I'm like, we could queer him. Yeah, he's gross. Well, I'm like, Keith, maybe. I just picture the queer eye guys being like, so after the green shake, it doesn't make sense to drink a Red Bull and smoke a cigarette. Have you thought about maybe walking instead? Have you thought about a cold brew micro shot and a power walk around the block? Here's why I queer eye. It's like counter offer.

Three cigarettes, no green shake. I just see them queering his dick. You have a big dick. Have that big dick confidence and give it a little groom around. it needs a little bit more curb appeal moisturize you know i actually would queer eye keith just to just to get him out there on the gay market more because the man the man deserves to be out there a little bit more he's in a relationship he's locked down but hey but you know put put a couple of bookmarks in some gay assholes you know that's what i'm saying yeah when keith uh when keith goes again, it just starts fucking everything that moves.

It's always a funny three weeks. I have a question. Nicole, as a woman, do you guys do – because as dudes, when we're in relationships, we do bookmark women a little bit where it's like, I'm in a happy relationship right now, but if things go to hell, I'm going to call this one. Do you have the version of that as a woman? I've never been in a relationship long enough to do that. I'm always still in the honeymoon phase when they dump me or cheat on me or break my heart. Okay.

Yeah. So I can't answer that. You kind of have a stable. Also, I'm not hot enough just to have a lineup of like, well, if this one doesn't work out, I'll take it. You're not confident. So many dudes were hitting on you last night. What? Yeah. Nicole, you're not confident enough to have a lineup of like, well, if this one doesn't work out, I'll take it. You're not confident. So many dudes were hitting on you last night. What? You're not confident.

Nicole, you're not confident enough to have a lineup. You talk yourself out of achieving anything sexually, you know? Nobody was hitting on me. Here's how hardly I disagree with you. I'm agreeing with Connor right now. I'm leaning on his chair. In the least creepy way I want to say this to you, Nicole, I think you're a good 10. You know, you got it in you.

Stop! I'm not saying, no, I'm saying you're, you know, I think you sell yourself short. You're a great comic. You wield great power on stage. You're very good looking. You got it, girl. Yeah. This is really like Nice Boys episode two. I'm trying to get this bitch to believe in her damn self.

Yeah, you're wonderful, you stupid bitch. Yeah. You know what? Let you're wonderful, you stupid bitch. Yeah. Geez. See, now it feels more like... You know what? Let's queer-eye Nicole. Let's queer-eye her. Yeah, yeah.

I've been saying for the longest time I need to be queer-eyed. We should do queer-eye where just Keith shows up to people's houses. Well, you kind of already have been, because the only guys that want to hang out with you are gay. Yes. Hey. I said we do a queer-eye where Keith shows up to your house. Built me up just to cut me down and expand it.

Keith shows up to your house to show how actually good you're doing. I think it would be fun to do a Queer Eye where people show people doing well how fun it is to live like a scumbag for a little while. Wait, can we do a Queer Eye where the mean boys just show up to my house and shit on my wardrobe and clean my house? Oh, that's fun. Mean Eye? I like it. Mean Eye for the friend guy. Yeah, I like it. That's really fun. Yeah, yeah yeah mean i for the girl that looks like a guy it's a good point here's why i think it could be valuable is i do think you guys showing up and making fun of people

is a quicker way to get them to change yeah to tell them they're beautiful oh dude well yeah when someone lights you up for something and and you just know in your heart they're right you're just like well i can't do well, I can't do, I gotta, I can't do that. That's why roast battle kind of made me get my shit together. Like I lost a lot of weight at one point. And like,

also just because like I started doing roast battle and got all these fat and ugly jokes. And I was like, wow, I was not aware. And I was like, I better do something about this. The one thing the main boys crew would need in that scenario is one black guy

to specifically point out how somebody's pants fit. Because this is the thing I've realized recently. The worst burn you could ever get is a black dude telling you your pants don't fit right. Oh, yeah. Those tight-ass pants. I run my outfits by Opie because I think we have the most similar fashion aesthetic of the house. And when I get a lukewarm response, I'm just broken inside. I'm like, nah, man.

I'm not going to be able to get hard this week. If he tells you your pants don't fit right, it's over for you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Nicole, why don't you – you got to fucking – you're a prize. You know, fucking – I mean this, Nicole. You should feel that way. Like, I don't know if you want – I don't know.

Like, we talk about it a little bit. You know, you're not trying to get plugged up left and right. But, you know, if you want to celebrate with some D, you can make that happen. Plenty of nice young men that would fucking love to hang out with you. I know I could get laid. That's not a problem. Because any girl could get laid.

If I were a single man and I hadn't already exposed you to all of my vulnerabilities, I would totally try to pick you up. Not even to get late. I would take you out on a date. Thanks, Brandon. No problem. What a horrible consolation price.

Did you say thanks, Brandon? No, she said thanks, Randy. I said Brandon. It's like, hey, you should feel better. A 5'6 hairy Arab would love to take you out. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. You just have to get his father to give his father an ox,

and then bada-bing, bada-boom, you're at Buca di Peppo. Can you develop scoliosis? Can he develop it? Yeah. Oh. Oh, okay. Tom's changing the subject. Oh, no, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, you're great. Tom's uncomfortable because we have a lot of heart-filled moments here. Do you want a relationship right now, or do you want to just be single and kind of like... I don't know. It varies from day to day. Sometimes I'm like, I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship right now. But then sometimes when it's late at night and I'm sad

and I just want to be held or like... I get that, yeah. Yeah. Because it's like I do all the good things in my life when I'm single, but it's like sometimes you're just like... I'm kind of just chilling. It's like, yeah, it'd be nice to...

It's just snuggling. I just like to snuggle. Yeah, I just kind of just chilling. It's like, yeah, it'd be nice to, you know, just snuggling. I just like to snuggle. Yeah, I just want to be held and watch Netflix and have someone to talk about my problems with. I was briefly single for a couple of weeks, and I got back together with my girlfriend. And I realized it's truly nice to have somebody to hang your resentment onto. Because when she was gone i was just realizing oh no it's me you need an emotional dumpster yeah i you see i don't i that never like they're always like well yeah open up to me about your day and i'm like i don't want to relive it i'm just trying

to fucking i'm trying to riff on your problems but it's kind of what i like to do it's really nice to look at somebody and go you weren't here i'd be further because when she's not there it's like it's just a mirror going you fucking piece you gotta make something happen it's just you man it's just you who's not making you go further so yeah so anyways love you page she's never gonna listen that's why that's why i'm so open about this oh man yeah no one ever would be cool about tweeting her but oh she's the best she'll be fine with that. Page rules, man. She knows the character, I assume, on this podcast. And I also, I think I would just like to skip straight to like the being comfortable in a relationship.

I hate like the actual. You want to go right to peeing with the door open. Yeah, I don't want. Well, maybe not that comfortable, but like. You want to shit on his chest. I don't like the whole like going. And a lot of people think this part's the exciting part. But going on the first date and the second date and like, does he like me?

Is he going to text me back? And like fucking still trying to like act like you're a normal person and not a big crazy bitch. I hate that. Yeah, yeah. Just let's just, I don't know. You know, it's all shit. So get married. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm getting married. See, that's the thing, too, is I don't even think i want to get married so why do i want a relationship but but i want someone to i i wanted them to just fuck me but i don't want to marry them i've turned a hard corner i'm getting married so quickly as soon as i can i'm getting married i swear to god i'm getting married i'm gonna have a kid just assuming page is cool i just don't see the point anymore like if you're gonna be together forever just be together together forever. Why do you have to be like, here's a contract. Give yourself somewhere to go. Nicole,

are you a man? Yeah. Nicole, are you a pop-punk lead singer? I also never want kids, so I just feel like marriage is kind of like, why? But you don't rob yourself of the pleasure of someday going, ugh, I hate my husband. That's a fucking sweet pleasure that I think that people are underrating,

these damn millennials. I can't wait. I want to kill my husband. To the moon! Whatever your name is going to be. Your biggest fantasy is just like airing your grievances at a diner. Like, was somebody just like...

I cannot wait. Yeah, the idea of being like an old couple at a diner does sound very nice. And just hating everyone and being like like did you fart or was that me can i tell you what the sweet part about marriage to me it's not the part where you go oh i love you forever forever it's the part where you go we've now legally become an entity and now it's become a thing of like all right you do this i do that you do when you're in a

relationship it's a lot of like i I got to be on my own and also impress this person. But when you're married, it becomes like a team. The best part about marriage is delegating. Tell me about, Nicole, how amazing would your life be if somebody did your laundry because you went and grabbed groceries? I end up doing the laundry. That's the problem. No, the guys I date,

I do the laundry and the grocery shopping. I do expect you to run all your suitors by me Because I I think you need an impartial eye for this shit Yeah I've been doing a lot I've been doing this bit where I'm an AA recovery counselor To people

And I'm going to do it to you right now Nicole Yeah so you think you have a A guy problem but in my opinion You have a Nicole problem That was a very visual bit but yeah yeah you know check out the check out march it's probably true what as funny as that is it's probably true yeah it's something that i've read a lot of recovery books since i started riddling

and um i truly have i'm not kidding you can't you're reading i read a lot of recovery you can't blame other people for your problem this episode of mean. I read a lot of recovery books. You can't blame other people for your problems. This episode of Mean Boys has been a lot of, is this a self-help podcast, man? I love it. I love this episode. Does anyone else have a hurt back? I do.

My shoulders, my neck. Are we still going to that pool party? Oh, we're going to the damn pool party. We should probably, we should wrap this one up. Yeah, man. It's been a long, fun episode. Yeah, yeah. And the show will long, fun episode. Yeah, yeah.

And the show will be more focused on it now that I'm done with all my fucking jobs and shit. I've been kind of thumbing it in all month. So I apologize to the listeners. Anyone have anything they want to plug? Let me say this. Connor's rose battle against Keith was fucking... I know that you guys probably didn't toot your horn here, Connor, but... It was great.

That was legendary. That was legendary. I cannot emphasize, I can't wait for you guys to see it. It blew me away because you guys literally did something where I'm like, I just in a million years couldn't imagine how quickly you guys snapped into not being phased,

fucking being in the moment, having these great jokes. Literally, put it this way for the Mean Boys listeners, on a night where the Sklar brothers battled themselves, and a night where

fucking Todd Berry went up against Brandon Walsh, Connor and Keith had the best battle. Stole the show. They stole the show. It was so fucking great.

And not even just because their dicks were out. Not even because their dicks were out. That was just a bonus. You sons of bitches really impressed me. It was really fun. I'm excited for peopleicks were out. That was just a bonus. You sons of bitches really impressed me. It was really fun.

I'm excited for people to see it. So I would like to plug that. I want to plug that and also the Bard show every Wednesday. Also now is not the time. August 19th at Gold Diggers. Hell yeah. August 9th, Mean Boys in Portland at the Big Legowski. And August 10th, we're doing a triple-decker stand-up show at Jai Tai in Seattle, Washington.

Those will be a lot of fun. And yeah, I got more dates, but I'll plug them closer to the time. Yeah, I'm going to plug my shit later. Besides August 5th, 6th, and 7th, I believe. Fuck. Definitely 5th and 6th. Come on out to DeChico's in Clovis, California. I'm doing the anniversary show there.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Do you guys have fans in Orange County? Yeah, yeah. I'm doing the anniversary show there. It's going to be a lot of fun. Do you guys have fans in Orange County? Yeah. I'm featuring for Gene Pomp at the Rec Room on August 1st, which I believe is Wednesday. Oh, hell yeah. You want to come through? Yeah, there'll be tomorrow night with this job.

So go see the bar dog. Dope. I mean, watch my battle when it comes out versus Joe Urell. Fantastic. It was a really fucking great time. A star was born. And then I think on August 10th, I'll be in Sacramento

at the Gay Wait show and on God damn it. I don't remember. I have dates in August and September. Follow me on Twitter. At Nicole Buchanan. We'll retweet them on the Mean Boys page. And not to suck Nicole's dick too much here, the reason why I didn't

bring up her battle is I wasn't there. Here's the thing about Nicole, you guys have to understand with the roast battle, they only let a couple of people who are like not

already huge headliners do it. That's how badass Nicole is. So if you, when it comes out, fucking watch the show that Nicole's incredible. It's a murderous battle. Yeah, it's going to be. So I can't wait to see it. I'm sad I missed it comes out, fucking watch the show. That Nicole's incredible. It's a murderous battle. Yeah.

It's going to be. So I can't wait to see it. I'm sad. I missed it. Yeah. And Joe's great. He has cerebral palsy. He also fucking killed it.

He's also coming out with a special. Check that out. Not special. All that shit. Yeah. And I, Hey, on the next episode, hopefully we'll all be in a bad mood and get back to our roots. My back hurts.

All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah back hurts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead.