Mean Boys - EP 145 - Rhythm Frog (feat. Erin Ingle)

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Get tickets to our live show in Portland, OR on August 9th: https://eventbrite.com/e/mean-boys-live-the-big-legrowlski-in-portland-or-10pm-tickets-47943987758 Fill out our tour sheet to get on our email list and let us know where we need to go next on tour: bit.ly/2vZBsQV  Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel : https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Erin Ingle on Twitter: twitter.com/ingletime Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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From football to basketball and hockey to baseball, whatever the moment, it's never ordinary at Bet365. Must be 19 or older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. Welcome to another edition of the Mean Boys Podcast. Ah, with Aaron Engel.

Yeah, me, Keith, and Aaron Engel on this motherfucker. Tom is still en route via a series of hilarious vehicles to our shows in Portland. Tom's currently hijacking a dirigible to try and go to the—I'm assuming he's going to be in Portland, Maine tomorrow. Yeah, probably. Well, I mean, I haven't been checking uh my tax very uh very consistently but uh from what i can gather he's had some train issues uh so yeah tom will be there he'll figure it out i'm picturing tom you know those little like railroad cars yeah the hand pump things like an escaped convict in the 20s he's gonna be on one of those with a raccoon like like hey look i don't like you you don't like me We're both trying to get up to there.

So let's just work together and then I'll never see you again. So, yeah, Tom is coming up for our shows August 9th at the Big Legrowski in Portland, Oregon. 10 p.m. 10 bucks. Live podcast. The whole damn show. Me, Keith and Tom. Some funny local comics.

Tickets for that are on sale at the link in our show notes as are tickets for our show the next day at Giatine in Seattle, Washington. Yeah, that one is actually free. Yeah. Oh, it is. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Come to that.

I didn't realize that was free. Yeah, it's a free show. Cool. Yeah. Come the fuck out. Yeah. Come to both of these. We're really excited to see you guys.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. We're fucking. This is a place we've been trying to come up and play for the for the Mean Boys folks for a while. So we'd love to see you. We'll hang out afterwards. We're figuring all that shit out. If you're new to the party and you want us to come to your town uh just go fill out that tour sheet uh they'll also be linked in the show notes or twitter bio and everywhere

else uh you just tell us the closest nearest major city you're willing to come out to to see a show how many friends uh you got and whether or not we can sleep on your couch we'll start booking our next big adventure and uh come see you guys because we love uh being out on the road and fucking partying with you dudes and telling you jokes and shit it's while you're filling out paperwork for us leave us an iTunes review we're currently at I think 333 which means we're only 67 away from summoning Keith's mother yeah we have to draw a white chalk baphomet and spill some blood on there but we will sacrifice various varmints yeah break a light bulb and then she's gonna appear out of a puff of smoke cackling we will pull my mother screaming from that dimension where Pinhead lives.

No, my mom is actually very nice, but she also, I just talked to her about it and she was like, oh yeah, I'm ready. I'm like, oh no, God help us all. Yeah. Oh, I just crashed with Keith's dad and you definitely start to get where Keith gets his acerbic wit. You're like, oh, this didn't happen in a vacuum. So yeah, leave us a review on iTunes. This guy writes,

dang twig boys coming over here. Five stars. Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a living and I mean real work, not writing down gobbledygook. I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. And then he writes a whole review as Hank from King of the Hill

featuring a pretty nicely done shout out to BC Headache Powder which is a very Hank Hill product. So yeah, I don't have an enemy to read the whole thing

but that's funny. So go leave us a review. Five stars on iTunes. It helps us out. It makes us look legitimate. And if you want to keep the lights on here at the

Mean Boys Industries go fuck with our Patreon page. Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. And ten bucks a month gives you a little goody in the mail. Van Damme Academy bumper stickers have been brought on the road, as have the shipping labels. Those will be sent out very soon. I don't know exactly what we're doing this month, but I promise it'll be stupid as hell.

Hell yeah. It's going to be mad dumb. Go jump on there. And then, yeah, five bucks four times a week. You get another hour of the boys talking shit, telling stories. Special guests dropping by. We just had Dave Cyrus and Eli Sayers on the pod the other week. We have a fucking when Nicole Buchanan comes over when she's sad in the middle of the night, we do a bonus episode sometimes.

Shit like that. It's a good time. So that helps us out a lot. And, yeah, we're still very fucking poor. And other than that i think uh it's pretty much the gist of it all you gotta do is uh you know pop over to youtube give us a subscribe there ramsey's uh adderall'd up and outfitting the uh the house with cameras and equipment and shit so we might actually be able to fucking videotape the show finally

uh so yeah go subscribe over there and jump on the subreddit. Jump on the Mean Boys subreddit. Get involved. Lots of charming conversations going on there. Oh, yeah. The charmingest. Yeah. If you ever wanted to discuss which version of Skeeter you thought was colored, I don't know. Whatever. Yeah.

Go on the subreddit. And for right now, sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode of the Mean Boys Podcast with Erin Engel. Who, oh shit, will be doing a show. She left me a note on a receipt called Roast Beef, Saturday the 18th. It's like a roast battle-y kind of thing up here in Seattle. It's at 9 p.m. So, yeah, go on Erin's Twitter at Engel Time and check that out. It's at Jai Tai in Seattle. Check that shit out.

All right. Here's the podcast hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast humans are the only animals with the pubes i'm connor mcspadden i I'm Keith Carey. And I... Probably know how to play the ukulele. Don't know how to play a single instrument, and that's perhaps even worse. Oh, wow. You know what's so funny is my initial slam that I thought of for Aaron was a backup tambourine player for the polyphonic spree.

I don't even know what the poly... Is that like a hipster kind of candy? It's 400 white dudes dressed exactly like that. Oh, gotcha. Sundresses. Nothing but sundresses. Yeah. It looks like the only cult you would never be afraid of. I'm wearing the joggers right now because that's the closest a man

can get to the sundress life. It really seems liberating. Built-in man-spreading capabilities. You don't understand. I've gone from an 87 degree angle. I'm up to 112 on my man spread. These babies are going to make a subway very uncomfortable. I can take up three seats

on the motherfucking link train up here in Seattle and I'm enjoying every inch. It's become this thing when we go on the road where Connor is like a fashion guy now, but just at Ross Dress for Less. Oh no, that was very apparent. Whoa, wow. You got your little pasty

over ankle range. I'm really upset about my ukulele presumptions I see. Whoa, wow. You got your little pasty, like, over-ankle range. Really upset about my ukulele presumptions, I see. No, I only played ancient tribal instruments, actually. This was a hand-whittled voodoo jailer situation. Yeah, exactly. You play that frog with a little stick and you hit the ridges on his back. You know? Wish I knew the name.

What the fuck is that? What's all rhythm frog called? Because there's a rhythm frog. Well, it's called that now. Yeah, yeah. There's a rhythm frog in every damn elementary school music class. I'm like, all right, kids. Who's on the percussion tone?

Yeah, yeah. Once a week, we go stroke the frog until it's time for P.E. And then now we know music. Wow. What a great. Somebody just auditioning for Juilliard as the frog guy. Oh, dude. Right, right.

That's the kind of YouTube videos they would watch in this house full of bongs. It's 4 a.m. We're like, dude, we're watching rhythm frog solos. And holy shit, this guy just rips Dragon Force on a rhythm frog. When they go up in size, they actually go down in timbre. So it's pretty scientific. There's one guy mansplaining the fucking acoustics of frogs. It's like, how do I sound condescending and retarded?

Yeah, yeah. By the way, for the listening audience, we are currently broadcasting out of Seattle from what I can only describe as Weed the Building. Yeah, we have crashed on a couch, a series of couches, and yeah, this is one of the stony, balonious locations I've ever been. The amount of bongs in here just looks like the distant crystal palaces in Flash Gordon.

It just looks like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Towers of an ancient kingdom. You remember Dr. Manhattan's Mars Castle? What if you could do a dab out of that? It's basically a series of redacted Little Mermaid castles that all have resin inside of them. No frames allowed on posters. Oh, no.

Why would you? I mean, you want to see the edge of the canvas. You paid $25 for it at the art walk. You've got to appreciate every single inch of the, I guess, lady wearing nylons. And what I love about this place, too, is everyone is super, super nice. I'm not talking shit at all. But it's like they took the weird roommate from every other house and just put them all in one house solidarity it's really like a lint trap for weird roommates it's a reality show called who's got mushrooms and the answer is everybody oh yeah yeah i mean just just the

people walking in it's like it's like a sitcom where it's only kramers you know it's just everybody like oh well yeah it's yeah the guy in ym and he's not wearing a shirt what's up buddy the guy who walked in at 2 a.m last night night and was like, anybody want s'mores pizza or ecstasy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. S'mores pizza? Yeah. Lord.

Which is, you know, better than it should be, but worse than it took. Guess which one we took. S'mores pizza. Man, we should have just taken, like, an insane amount of ecstasy and then just slept on this couch. Oh, I'm good. Yeah. Oh, my God.

This couch feels so fucking amazing. This would be a terrible place to completely destroy my... Because the Zoloft ecstasy combo is deadly, so I would just wake up horrified. I would wake up apocalyptically. Covered in cum. Not even his own cum. He summoned it from the sky.

Errant loads from space. A rain cloud of cum followed me around like I was sad in a cartoon. Our lovely host, Ian, has come in to take one of the bongs. Don't forget to jump on in here, dude. Yeah, yeah. Hello. Oh, yeah, we were just kind of giving people the lowdown on the crib. I don't know if you heard us outside.

Like, walking here, hey, man, has anybody seen my oversized joint? Oh, yeah, it's in the rhythmic frog mouth. Yeah, has anyone seen a Louisville slugger full of sour diesel? Because I gotta go to work in like five minutes. I tied nine vapes together like a pan flute. Yeah, yeah. You know, if you want to hit the

four-foot bong, we could do that on stage. Wow, the four-foot bong. I have a name. How do you even get your arm down there To light the weed It takes two people That's why this is a house full of friendship You know to smoke your bong

If you have to fire it like a World War II mortar I feel like you might be overdoing it a little bit I remember one time I went to this dude's apartment And they had a bong that literally was like It was from the floor like damn near to the ceiling You had to get on like a step ladder But they had then stacked two phone books on top of.

And it's just watching the highest man I've ever seen perch on a fucking like a broken bird just fucking hovering over this tube of death. That'd be great

if they made a bong that you could slide down like a fire pole. You were going to make some memories? Yeah, yeah. And then lose all of them immediately.

Yeah. Oh man, Aaron Engel joins us in the studio. Thank you for dropping by. Such then lose all of them immediately. Yeah. Oh, man. Erin Engle joins us in the studio. Thank you for dropping by. Such a pleasure to be here with you guys. I hope you heard the verbal air quotes around the word studio. Erin, who was very nice enough

to drive us home from the Gateway Show when we were all stoned and yelling about the band Foreigner. Oh, yeah. You're going to disrespect my fucking tape collection? See if you ever get an invite back. Well, your car is just like, it looks like a single mom from 1985 frozen in time yeah oh yeah

julia roberts before she's famous it's like it's retro but it's not the cool retro it's just like oh we were doing our best and reaganomics hurt us all real bad i mean this is this is gonna be like the 12th time i brought this up this week for some reason but it is the kind of car that the cat woman from the tim burton Burton Batman drives before she becomes Catwoman. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Style goals. Yeah.

Style goals to the max. Pre-transformation Catwoman. That's what you're going for. Pre-transformation most makeover movies. Yeah. That's where I sort of land. Oh, before Ingle. Well, you know, if you want a Ross Dress for Less makeover, you could have had one.

But it seems pretty rude to me about my camouflage joggers. He's asked you to add a style tips from a man in camo capris. How long is it going to take to get those bottom three inches of your ankles tanned? I don't know, but I'm planning on having a nice ankle tan for the summertime. Just a nice band of tan right here. But spare the actual ankle with your tall white socks. Well, they're not tall. I'm getting into the quarter socks game.

Too tall for the look. They're also darker than your leg. I don't like no-show socks. I like the quarter sock. I don't know why. Because you have terrible taste? I don't like my legs is probably part of it. I mean, I could agree with that.

Yeah, yeah. Man, guys. This happens to also every pair of pants when I sit down. Oh, yeah, you're a tall guy. I'm gigantic, you know? Yeah. Unless I wear the Uncle Sam outside of the Rite Aid during the Fourth of July sale event pants, I'm pretty much fucked when it goes cross-legged.

I have the exact opposite problem where anything fat enough for me is also too long. I just look like a sad juggalo. You got your jeans tucked into your shoes and Connor's in perpetual capris. Yeah, I was like, if I roll it up five times, I'll look like a cool rockabilly guy. Not a pirate, right? Right, right, right. Yeah, totally. Hey, why's everybody laughing?

Fuck you. Yeah, we got kind of punked by some dudes in just some like juggalos in Bellevue yesterday. Bellingham. Bellingham, okay. Yeah, they were taking up like most of the street. And I was just like, all right, guys, be cool. Just because nothing that we don't want, all right, guys, be cool. Nothing that we don't want any trouble now, juggalos.

First of all, it was great seeing juggalos just out in the wild. Oh, 100%. In LA. Then Connor was like, oh, we're going to get beat up. I'm like, these are the frailest men I've ever seen. Juggalos are a really kind people. We love them. We're a friend of the juggalos. Erin, I don't know if you've gathered from our whole aesthetic.

There is some crossover between Chugalos and Mean Boys listeners. It's a great place to land. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a beautiful Venn diagram to be in the middle of, you know? Okay, do you have a podcast or anything? Anything you want to shout out before we go? No, I mean, I run the shows up. I know you guys have been talking about Jai Tai and Capitol Hill in Seattle.

I've heard legends of this place for years, and I finally went, and it was a goddamn delight. So if you're in the Seattle metropolitan area, you'd be a damn fool not to catch a show at Jai Tai. And you'd be even a bigger fool, I might venture to say, to not catch one with Miss Erin Ingle on stage. She's very funny. It's true. We appreciate you stopping by. What's your Twitter handle on all that shit? At IngleTime on Twitter. That's very funny. It's true. We appreciate you stopping by. What's your Twitter handle on all that shit? At Ingle Time on Twitter.

That's a fun one. Yeah, I had to change it after a few years as at Aaron underscore A underscore Ingle. Oh, no. It's kind of a mouthful. Yeah, that's like

your mom's Twitter. Right. Oh, yeah. If you're on multiple underscores, you're just like, I don't want anyone to find me. Please don't say this out loud. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No, it is always like, because I got kind of a weird name, so I just got the full name on everything. I'm spoiled, you know, but I'm like, I don't say this out loud yeah yeah yeah no it is always like because i'm i got kind of a weird name so i just got the full name on everything i'm spoiled you know but i'm like i don't know what i'd do if i had to like you know fucking i'd throw some good like connor silly connor or some shit i got hosed because keith carey comedy is like two letters too much for a twitter handle did you try it with three k's what What about Keith Carey comedy? Oh, because like cum. No shorter though, huh?

Yeah. No, it would be the same exact problem. Yeah, yeah. It's Keith Jokes or Keith Tell Joke? Keith Tell Joke. Keith Tell Joke. Fire bad. I think Twitter gives you two extra characters if you make a cum joke in your handle name.

I don't know. Yeah, that's the grandfather rule. Grandfather's cum rule. I'll DM Jack about it. I mean, me and him are on pretty good terms, so we'll see. 18 character max parentheses, unless you like to party. Yeah. All right.

Well, I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke-off, gang? Let's do it. Oh, my God. Ay, so topical. I'm full of fear. Everyone always is. I mean, yeah, they always stink, dude.

Don't worry about it. All right, guys. I'll take us away. Reports say that Osama bin Laden's son has married the daughter of a 9-11 hijacker the happy couple is registered at arlington national cemetery god damn that is like the brady bunch of terrorists i know yeah it's like like blue ivy and saint west getting together but it's with the death to america people i it's fucked up i read that and i was like aw give you a little bit of hope that's how conditioned Americans are to celebrity culture

I'm like they don't even have to be good celebrities I love weddings I bet they can relate to each other man that would be like oh man that wedding is the royal wedding for 4chan they're up at 4 in the morning watching the east coast feed oh my god what's he gonna wear

oh I thought so man no wedding has ever invited more drones oh yeah yeah yeah also it's kind of a thing of like i kind of get it because if you're osama bin laden's son it's gonna be hard for you to relate to like 99.99 of people in the world oh yeah because of the hentai stuff yeah that's what yeah yeah he's like i love tactical fucking to a lesser extent, the destruction of Western civilization. Did I inherit my father's great public speaking or motivational prowess or his organizational fucking tenacity? No, I did get a boner whenever I see a squid. I did like you just spinning a bin Laden very positively. Yeah, yeah.

Like you're writing his LinkedIn profile. I mean, I have a lot of marketable skills. Yeah, I mean, nobody doesn't know who he is. I'm trying to pick up a PR job to pay the bills, you know. There's something to do part-time until this comedy thing pans out. I'm trying to rehabilitate Dictator's public image. So this is Osama's daughter or son? Get at me, all right?

You're a couple of memes away from being a hero, I tell you. You saw what they did with Norm in Canada. It's a simple process. Osama's son and 9-11 guys. Great service around here. Wow, thanks, man. Thanks, dude. He just brought us water because he's a very nice guy.

Prince among men. Thank you so much. 93% sure there's not acid in it. And to my extreme shock, they're all in matching glassware. I know. I thought it was going to be like, well, you get Scrappy-Doo. All right, you get the Ghostbusters, and you get a Nutribullet

that's still got protein shake stuck in the bottom. This says to me one of two things. Either one, someone here had a girlfriend at one point who tried to do their best to rehabilitate the house,

or two, someone robbed a pottery barn. Well, Ian's got taste. Ian's got fashion taste. I bet he's got some home decor taste as well. That's true. Ian is only

There it goes Ian is only not wearing A Deadpool shirt Because he is on the clock At his job right now So He rips the work shirt Off Deadpool underneath

Oh man that would be awesome Love you Ian Sorry Alright You got a joke Keith Yeah I'll go Chris Rock has been cast As the lead in the newest

Season of the show Fargo The series about a black man Living in North Dakota Is expected to air On the SyFy network. That's not where most of them are. Yeah, that's a good clean joke. Very solid. Should I pop in with my celebrity joke of the day?

I think I have a couple, actually, because I'm not deep. Let's see. Animal rights activists appalled at Dwayne The Rock Johnson's visit to the Georgia Aquarium accused the celebrity of supporting animal captivity. They were, however, unbothered by him being trapped in a video game. Jumanji reference. I tried.

I got you. Yeah, yeah. Is Jumanji a video game or a board game? It's a video game in the new one. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, I haven't seen it. Had to look it up. What a weird thing to be mad at The Rock for going to an aquarium.

You fucking dick bringing your kid to look at some fucking blue whales and shit. How dare you? You personally put that whale in that tank. The more famous you are, the less you have to do for people to get mad at you. If I wanted to get a Splitsider article about me, I'd have to show up at a Proud Boys rally in my LARP gear. But if you're Dwayne The Rock Johnson, you can look at a fish and all of a sudden you're the devil. I'm so bummed that the Proud Boys thing is like blowing up right now because I just got into polo shirts with like the piping on the sleeve.

It's genuinely the only look that looks good on me. Wait, this is their look? It's like a Lacoste thing, yeah. It's like the black polo with the yellow and black thing. Solid look. Bad people. Yeah, yeah. Bad people. Yeah, yeah. Bad people.

I mean, I started doing the undercut like, what, six months before the goddamn alt-right Charlottesville thing? And I was like, oh, son of a gun, man. You got it when it was still the Macklemore? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. What we're saying is we're the real victim. All this white supremacist.

I have been saying that about white men. Hurt people hurt people, guys. You know, I'm talking about wisdom here. A California company claims to have developed a marijuana breathalyzer to combat DUIs. The new device is called a kazoo, and if the suspect giggles into it after blowing into it, they'll be taken downtown for further questioning. It's going to work. And they're like, all right, that's pretty fun.

Okay, you're coming with me. The only instrument less grown up than the goddamn rhythm frog. Oh, yeah, yeah. Man, the rhythm frog. That seems like it would be some kind of sexual nickname you would have acquired. I'm a rivet for her pleasure. Yeah, man. Oh, no.

Shut up, you love that. Slow and steady wins the race. Psychologists have begun using horseback therapy To treat depression and AIDS patients Ironic considering riding bear pack Is kind of how you got into this mess in the first place I don't feel good about that I think you should I like it

You're allowed How many HIV positive listeners do you have? Probably some soon Knowing the lifestyles of some of our fans It's common We hope you're well. We love you guys. Thanks for tuning in. Stay positive. Meet a horse.

Stay positive seems like the wrong thing to tell people with HIV. I don't think there's a ton of options. It just feels like if I had AIDS and they're like, well, we put all that research money into here's a horse. I gotta feel like there was a better spend there. We're like, we got nothing with stem cells.

We tapped the whole stem cell thing. Yeah, we're going horse. Yeah, we're going horse. Okay, great. Yeah, I know it'll cheer me up. Mr. Hands. I just want to get ridden out into the sunset. Oh, boy.

You're up. All right. Oregon man ticketed in three national parks this summer culminated his weekend by taunting a bison in Yellowstone. Oregon lawmakers order his crimes punishable by deportation to Florida. I saw that. Just that dumb shit. Just looking at a bison.

Well, that seems like going for broke. I think. Do you think he wants to die? I think he wants to die. Hilarious. Yeah. Suicide by bison. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He hops out of the car and like is taunting the guy like he's a fucking Torero. He's just like, I don't want to live, but I also want to make the front page of Reddit. What do I do here? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I remember my friends explaining the concept of Suicide by Cop to me when I was younger. And then I was just like, I feel like you could do that in just a more outlandish way, you know?

Right. Like, just go listen to it. Just roll your windows down and listen to Comtown while you drive past like a lesbian street fair and just wait for you know wait for nature to take its course artisanal bricks yeah it's not his crowd though he wants the he wants the wild i'm gonna break some hand-blown glass and shake you with it you ever get choked out with a wind chime full um your crystals don't work just a violent lesbian street gang it's pretty funny dude yeah just like the warriors you know yeah we're the scissor sisters we have matching outfits we don't take guff from anybody it's perfect yeah all right guys the tennessee

mom left her child in a hot car so she could have quote just one drink for national tequila day the child was unharmed but authorities said they were just glad this didn't happen on smoke a whole brisket from start to finish. Tennessee's treasured holiday. Here's my thing. No more days. There's too many. You don't get a day anymore.

Unless you do some big cool civil rights thing or go to Mars, no days. All right? National Waffle. I mean, tequila has done some things. Yeah. Just because you go down to City Hall and you fill out some forms and you give a $10,000 grant to the Park Foundation. It's

not fucking IHOP day. Suck my dick. I'm tired of every single day on Twitter. It's like, well, I guess I gotta have one. It is National Donut Day after all. Shut the fuck up. It's boring. It's stupid. It's a waste of Day after all. Shut the fuck up. It's boring. It's stupid. It's a waste of everyone's time.

Thank you very much. I cede the rest of my time to the gentleman from Orange County. An Australian teacher accused of... I'm ghostwriting for Dennis Leary in the past. I don't know if you guys can tell. An Australian teacher accused of sexual misconduct is named Dick Grabski. If you think that's bad, wait until you hear about the school bus driver. Jeff ran over a kid and just kept driving, Perg.

Why has he got to be Jewish, Keith? Yeah, Keith. You know what's funny is it was originally Stein, and I'm like, somehow that feels too Jewish. That feels like part of the thing. Yeah, you could have got Mick kills a kid, you know? You could have thrown it on our people. That would have been fine. The Irish have suffered.

Yeah, that's true. I've brought shame to my island full of shame. The gym teacher. Gym stands under the rope until the girls get just tall enough ski. Oh, that's a real bummer. That's no good. I guess, I mean, at least they don't have, like, gym skirts, you know? Yeah, that's true.

Not defending this hypothetical gym teacher, but, you know. Stick with the bad bus driver. Yeah, exactly. Fuck that guy. Oh, God. Okay. Just worse from here. Plastic surgeons attribute uptick

in surgery seekers to, quote, Snapchat dysphoria. Patients commonly desire a flawless, filtered look and to disappear completely after 30 seconds. You know somebody has been like, turn me into the dog from Instagram.

It's so cute. Oh, yeah. There's a guy that was getting all that surgery to look like Kim Kardashian, and he did not look like her. But yeah, I read that article, too, where it's like, yeah, I want to look that was getting all that surgery to look like Kim Kardashian. And he did not look like her. But, yeah, I read that article, too, where it's like, yeah, I want to look like this. I'm going to bring in a Snapchat picture.

And it's so fucked up. It's like nobody told these people about makeup. Yeah. They already have a thing for you. You want a quick fix for your ugly face? Not even that. It's like no one told these people about the concept of horniness. You don't have to.

However you look, it's right for somebody. There's somebody for you or you can order a robot off of the internet. Get yourself one of those Symbias, what are those called? Sybian. Sybian, yeah.

Sybian is like a saddle but it vibrates. That sounds nice. It doesn't have a face or anything? No, it is soulless and it looks vaguely German. It's a a saddle, but it vibrates. Oh, that sounds nice. It doesn't have a face or anything? No, no, no. It is soulless, and it looks vaguely German. It's a real bummer. Yeah, I'm always torn on plastic surgery, because you do want people to be happy in

their body or whatever, but sometimes it's just like, yeah, it's fine. Don't do it. Stop. Yeah, it's when it's up here, just rearranging the face is when I get upset. Also, you know this person is going to get the Instagram surgery and then just put a goddamn Instagram filter on it. Oh yeah, absolutely. It won't be good enough. You guys ever heard of being a photocopter? Yeah, how good that shit looks once that's filtered

out? Get a little Ludwig on that. Somebody gets the surgery and then they put the filter on it and it just looks like their old ass face. We went through the looking glass. Is there a negative Snapchat Insta filter where you can be like a bedraggled morning after filter? I'm sure they have some of those.

But I do like the refried beans element of putting a filter on your plastic surgery filtered face. Where you're just like, oh, shit, now I've got to get it done like this. This is way better. I'm not stopping until I look like a bad porn drawing. $10,000 later. I'm a bad man, but I'm incredibly wealthy. I look like a bad porn drawing. $10,000 later. I'm a bad man, but I'm incredibly wealthy. Thanks, sad lady. You know how many girls I untook to the titty shop?

No, Kanye. No, I don't. All right. Several. South America has launched the region's first ban on plastic bags. Citizens aren't worried with one man saying, we mostly just shove them up our butt anyway, so it's not a big deal. Drug smuggling. Look, I mostly just shove them up our butt anyway, so it's not a big deal. Drug smuggling.

Look, I'm probably going in a butt. Now you have to shove a paper bag full of heroin up your butt. Or one of those reusable Trader Joe's. You have to shove a canvas bag full of China White into your butthole before you go on an airplane. You're like, it's for

the environment. A man wants some bloody coke. I mean, I'm going to do it, but come on. I like that they were fine with it being in a butt, but the blood is where they're like drawing the line. If you're doing any drug stronger than weed, you are accepting that it may have been in a butt. I mean, that's just part of it.

I never thought of that. And if you're doing weed, you're just hoping. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever put weed in your butt no i mean do people do that i feel like that hasn't had we're really lucky on the west coast we don't have to deal with that but i kind of i kind of feel no one has to put weed in their butt i mean you got the need baby the need for weed i feel like coat the little plastic satchel and peanut butter slide that thing up the butt the peanut butter's just for fun.

I don't know if the peanut butter is the worst lubricant you could have possibly shown. Well, I have to get my dog to lick it. Crunchy, ow. Put peanut butter in it. I get my dog to lick it out, and then I have some rubbing alcohol. I force feed my dog so he throws up the weed.

Then I dry it out. It's simple. And that's why this weed is $600 an ounce. And it'll be 20 bucks. This is a real old lady who swallowed a fly situation. It's like those coffee beans that are shit out by rats that people pay top dollar for. That's cats, Connor. Is it cats?

Yeah, no one is eating rat shit coffee. Is it that big of a deal? Catch the rats. Yeah. Here's the deal. That's where you get the plague. Here's the deal. They're both digestive tracts.

I have no interest in that Becoming a part of my Coffee drinking experience And also cat and rat rhymes You know I get how you got there Yeah yeah I just wanted you to know

For sure you were wrong I feel like you're discounting The pleasure center Of the rectum And thinking only in terms Of intestinal tract That's a good one Yeah I mean

So like the coffee tastes better Because the rat came Well I mean I'm not a scientist I've heard mean, I'm not a scientist. I've heard about these. I'm not a rat boner scientist. I've heard about these.

I've heard about these pleasure centers for a long time, you know, and to me, they're the principled Republicans of the anus. I have found no evidence that they actually pleasure center. Are you talking about GameStop? Yeah. Pleasure center sounds like in like some sort of like 1984 future is where they go to just like milk your comment. That's where they go to just milk your cum out. Oh, yeah.

That's where you pick up Soma in Brave New World. Yeah, your two minutes hate, your four minutes cum. Yeah, yeah. And the whole store is shaped like a butthole, and you've got to go. The prostate's the little bell you ring to get the guy to come out from the back and help you with your purchase. Yeah, we could do a whole thing there. A man won $8 million after suing his wife for cheating on him. He says he owes the victory to his attorney, Johnny Cochran.

Nah. Pretty stupid. Johnny Cochran? Yeah, I've done a lot of Johnny Cochran puns. Yeah, I mean, well, you know, part of his name is the word cock. And that's really, that's a gift. That's something God did for us, guys. That's something the big man.

That was worth OJ getting off. Yeah, yeah. And it was thanks to the cock ring that OJ made it that far. It was a stretch. Yeah, nah, it was. I watched you start. It was like when Wile E. Coyote walks off the cliff

but doesn't know yet. Yeah, exactly. I let Keith sleep in my room while I'm out of town. Wait, sorry, when you said somebody was sleeping in the kitchen, is it Keith? No, no, no. It's the other guy. It's Tom Goss, our wonderful co-host. Hi, Tom. Sorry you couldn't be here today.

I let him sleep in my room. I let him have sex in my room while I'm out of town. I just change the sheets and I got back earlier than I was supposed to one day. Keith's just waking up in the kitchen. I go in my room and I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I was doing a military-based gig. I get back, and I'm looking around my counter, and I pick something. I'm like, oh, God, it's a greasy cock ring.

I just dropped it like I got electrocuted. I was like, Keith, clean everything. What you actually did was toss it angrily through the door, and I got to watch my cock ring just clatter and spin. Oh, it's a hard one. Oh, yeah, it's a metal one. A metal one? I don't want anything metal on my dong and spin. Oh, it's a hard one. Oh, yeah, it's a metal one. A metal one? I don't want anything metal on my dong, man.

No thanks. You feel pretty rad. You don't fucking rock hard enough, man. I've had like a jelly vibrating one and I wasn't mad at that, but I mean, any sort of like, I'm like, I don't know, if this could go on a Viking's nose,

I don't want it, you know? So I just moved into a new house like two weeks ago and my roommate and I kind of set and stuff up wiping the gritty, sticky surfaces off of like whatever's high up never got cleaned and i found a little jelly cock ring on top of a cupboard didn't know what it was thought it was just a regular fun like 50 cent machine ring and then like doinked it at my friend and she was like oh god this has been dark places and then in an amazing twist, this is the house we moved into a year ago. Before this, we found a foot-long pink dildo on top of a light fixture.

So I feel like we're being blessed. Why are they putting them so high? I don't know. That's like when upholsterers write little messages on the furniture for the next guy who upholsters the chair. It's like, well, we like to leave a dildo every time we move you know i'm like the johnny apple seed of bumming out new renters dildos are expensive that's like yeah what are you even leaving that behind yeah bring that with the cock ring was clearly like just uh put out of sight and forgotten probably how bad of a night you have to have with a dildo before you're like i know this was like 60 bucks we got the nice

neoprene one but i mean we can't use this ever again yeah how many dild night do you have to have with a dildo before you're like, I know this was like 60 bucks. We got the nice neoprene one, but I mean, we can't use this ever again. How many dildos do you have before you don't notice one's not there? That's the new relationship thing where it's like, oh, no, no. I don't want to bring your ex lover's pink dildo into this. And then you shove it on top of the light fixture thinking you'll deal with it later. But it's just out of eye shot. Yeah. You guys bought it together early in the relationship.

You try it and you're like, no, this is less fun than either of us thought it would be. I mean, maybe she was, you know, dating the short guy and she was punishing him. She put it up on top of the fridge and she's like, I'm not getting this back until you...

Did she put him on sex time out? Hector. Up, up. Why is his name Hector? Because that seems like the name that a short man would have. Yeah, you're not wrong. Hector's a weak name.

It's a weak name for a weak man would have yeah you're not wrong there's a weak name it's a weak name for a weak man expect some hate mail hey it's all fucker i'm not worried i'll take every one of you bring it on hector's you just put your arm out on their forehead and they swing at you hey how about this one name the single famous person named hector hector alessandro who the fuck is that he's an actor no he's not okay princess diaries uh yeah that amazingly yes it's the only movie i've ever seen yeah he's a bunch of bullshit the point is you're not there's not a ton of them yeah no well i could kick his ass yeah probably bring it on buddy i don't know he plays a lot of like cia agents and stuff yeah

you're like old grizzled ones yeah that, that's the worst kind. And really just that one in The Princess Diaries. It's the only movie I've ever seen. You do a lot of stage combat for your little movies, Hector. But I do a little martial art called podcasting. And guess what? You're talking to a seventh degree fucking black belt. This is the celebrity feud no one has been waiting for. Oh, dude.

Charity boxing match. Me and Hector was selling it, whatever. The charity is paying Hector Elizondo's for. Oh, dude. Charity boxing match. Me and Hector was selling it, whatever. The charity is paying Hector Elizondo's rent. Yeah, yeah. It's been through some dark times. Indeed.

Love you, Hector. I'm a big fan of your work. Nah, fuck that. We're fighting him. Aaron, you're up. I'm up. Let's see. An Illinois teen

tragically passed away after being found non-responsive at Lollapalooza Festival. Authorities blame Post Malone. What did he do? Just being boring. Yeah.

I didn't know Post Malone looked like that. I'd only heard him on the Kanye song Fade, and I thought, no, this guy's... Black, at least. Yeah. Well, yeah. No, I didn't really give much thought to his appearance, and then I started seeing pictures of him, and I was like, what the hell? This is like kind of one of those weird action Bronson

things where he's a redneck that wears SoundCloud clothes. Yeah, he looks like a gas station clerk. Okay, yeah. I've kind of had enough of that mold of rapper. Yeah, he's got the face tattoos that say always tired on him, you know? Yeah, I like dumb rap music, but I check out at a certain point. Every time I see those guys, I'm like, just buy an

ATV and be what you were born to be. You know what I mean? Just don't be dumb trash. Info Wars shows have been removed from iTunes, Spotify, and Facebook. Thousands of listeners took to the street outside Apple headquarters shouting, Zunes will not replace us. There you go. That's the last joke. It's mine.

Which crappy one do I want to close with? Let's do this one. A red tide is wreaking havoc on wildlife in the waters off the coast of Florida. In related news, Florida red tide

is what it's called when a lady gets a period out of her butthole instead of her vagina. I thought you were going to go like a communism joke for some reason. Yeah, that's the kind of show

we're doing. You thought for a second we weren't going butthole periods. As soon as I heard the word red, I was like, I can check out.

I know how this one ends. Yeah, this is not Choppo Trap House. People are pooping blood here. Yeah, yeah. It's beautiful. It smells like fish. We don't read. It does smell like fish, but I can't imagine anyone here cooked fish.

Oh, yeah, man. Oh, dude. Well, yeah, you got to hit the flounder bong. You haven't gotten high until you've done it out of a Flanders little blowhole. Did you know you could smoke out of a Billy Big Mouth bass? Oh, yeah, dude. I've had a lot of thoughts about Billy Big Mouth bass lately. I'll share them in due time.

Do I have to do my shitty last one? Absolutely. Let's see. Ray Lewis. You guys know football? Nope. I know who Ray Lewis is. Ray Lewis delivered a 34-minute acceptance speech at the NFL Hall of Fame ceremony, and

for the first time, no one has accused him of murdering. You're bad at public speaking, Ray Lewis. You're pretty good at killing that lady. You're like the Hector of public speaking. You leave a lot to be desired. Ray Lewis comes at you like, nobody calls the Hector of public speaking You leave a lot to be desired Ray Lewis comes at you like Nobody calls me Hector He also apparently

Talked about how he kisses his kids on the mouth Just to show what he was Beautiful article I think it was Deadspin I guess that's fine I'm not thrilled about this but he also killed mom Sure Welcome back to What the H uh today the community was attacked by a uh by a ableist podcast host

named connor mcspadden and uh i want to sign the petition of hectors that are over five five i've got a link in the show notes let's go to our callers uh line one uh hey this is hector from michigan no it's not get off the fucking phone yeah yeah i was pict two Hectors stacked on top of each other in a trench coat in the form of Mega Hector. There wasn't enough pain in your voice. You're not a real Hector. We accept no false Hectors here on What the Hector. Hector, damn near killed her.

The number one Hector podcast. Hector, I barely know her. Come on. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back. All right. And now we've got a special treat here on Mean Boys. We're doing a Billy Anderson's Gateway shows in Seattle where you do a set and then you smoke pot and you do another set. And I don't really smoke pot very much.

You were being extra, extra read all about it, my dear. Yeah, yeah. So I did three puffs of the joint and I was dared by the other comedians on the show to do the whole set as a pirate, who I think turned out to be a rabbi. So here's seven minutes of me doing an unplanned set as a pirate rabbi. This rules so hard.

The audio quality is kind of janky, but whatever. If you don't want to hear it, skip it. Yo-ho, yo-ho, I am I am high on weed I just went down to Davy Jones' locker dead men pass no blunts

I'm going off this shit yard I am also a rabbi a pirate rabbi you say I say I I'm doing bar mitzvahs I mean presses

with me hook hands snip slice I'm a pirate still I mean, brises with me hook hands, snip, slice. I'm a pirate still. I get a bit gruesome in my pirate duties, being a rabbi as I am. What are some other things pirates talk about? Oh, yeah, really, sail the seven streams tonight. The Bloons! I love them. Where you at with the Bloons! I love them.

Where you at with the Bloons, young man? A fan of the Bloons, not a fan? Do you speak English? Alright, you're a fan. Hey, treasure, burying it, I love every part of it. Making the Big X? That was my job. Treasure, burying it, I love every part of it. Making the big X? That was my job. You know how we make those big X's?

Black rocks on the sand. Yargh. We tried paint but it washed away with the wind and the whole thing. How's the inside look at pirate life. I'm a little offended you're not more fascinated. How many pirates have you met? Probably not that fucking many, is my point. Questions for the pirate. Wave your hands.

Raise some hands. That's the pirate. What's your guess? Because I'm a game rabbi pirate. I guess. I don't know. Not as good at improv as I thought, being a pirate. Alright. More pirate questions.

That killed some time. Over here. What are the uses of rum? Of rum? Sodomy? Rabbi stuff? Well, sodomy, that's priest stuff, so technically it's religious things, that's one.

Get drunk. I start fires, I think. Nothing better than a good rum fire. Prove to me they're not real. Shut up. Ask a pirate. Come on. Where's your parrot? Where's my parrot? He died in a car accident on the way to this very show he told me squat don't mention it pirate he doesn't the parent does a good impression of me squat don't mention it, parrot.

What? Give the people a show, squat. And I carried on. Even after the dreaded death of my beloved parrot, Fruit Loops. That name got awkward when he learned to talk. When he was a baby, he was kind of all right. He was called Fruit Loops. Towards the end of his life, it got a little offensive.

I never thought about Toucan's feelings, yarr. I should have thought more about your feelings. I miss you, Fruit Loops. I'm sorry, I didn't think this Q&A would get so emotional. Out on the high seas, it's like you used to deal with scurvy and people shooting cannons at you. You forget how to deal with the hardest peril of all. Loss. Just like when I gave up me leg.

I had this peg put on there. We were going to fill it with sand from every place we visited. Weren't we, Fruit Loops? I could have the whole world underneath me leg. As I walked with you forever. But I had to get drunk and drive to the show, didn't I, Birdloose? Or I got a

DWI. A driving while I'm a pirate. It's a very, very difficult thing to deal with. I have to go to driving while I'm a pirate school every Saturday. I have to take the pirate bus around for a while. I might lose me pirate's license. It's hard being a pirate for seven minutes. Really wish I could have done another voice

or ended on that thing that was funny a minute ago. Maybe I got caught up in my toucan bed and I didn't see the lights yard one more question for I haven't even I don't have a name for this yet do I one more question for Rabbi

Beard the Pirate what do you do when you get lonely at sea are you familiar What do you do when you get lonely at sea? Are you familiar with the big mouth bass of the Pacific Ocean? To tell you the truth, we take out their teeth, we make the new guys sit on them until they're warm, and we jack off with them like flesh-faced. Yo, ho, ho, bitches, I'm outta here! And the Mean Boys podcast is back, after someone just finished doing a dab in the living room. And then explained that there is a shirt for the band Train that just appeared mysteriously, and no one really knows where it came from. Yeah, everyone's outside smoking right now,

and it looks like you guys are on break from a very hip construction project. Yeah, yeah, like you guys were constructing a record store or something. I want to take a black and white picture of you guys while you're sitting up on top of a piece of girder. Yeah, it's an honor to be here with Ripped Lenny Kravitz and two guys trying to invent Super Molly. Ripped Lenny Kravitz is redundant. Yeah, that's a good point. Is Lenny Kravitz ripped?

Oh, he's got a body. Yeah, yeah. Ladies love Lenny. Lenny Kravitz, first cassette I ever got when I was a kid. I loved I Want to Fly. It was my whole shit as an American woman. I loved Lenny Kravitz when I was fucking seven. I wanted to like Lenny Kravitz.

I could never get on board. Have you seen his dick when it popped out? I sure have. Oh, I never saw his dick. Oh, well. Oh, he's a good dick. You guys vamp.

I have some Googling to do. Yeah, I mean, Paul, it's the dick you'd want Lenny Kravitz to have. Yeah. Like, it doesn't look not like Lenny Kravitz. Yeah, you don't want to be disappointed by that.

Yeah, because what a bummer if you're Lenny Kravitz and then you just have like a fucking shrinky danker. Oh, yeah. It's wearing a wave cap. It's awesome. All of my life. It's got several weird bandanas tied to it.

Looks like Jack Sparrow. Yeah, I mean, Lenny Kravitz is kind of a, all right, let's see. You're truly looking it up? Oh, yeah. We're going to find this dick. All right. Do you want to see it, Erin? Absolutely. All yeah so and then i'll and then i'll paint a picture

with words oh good god yeah yeah i mean it's pretty funny how it just popped out like that yes it just looks like another guitar cable yeah yeah he's got one string tied around the bass so it stays hard like i hope he's hard because if he's not hard christ like he's always hard when he's on stage yeah i gotta feel like oh dude yeah he's just fucking he's he's hard because if he's not hard, Christ. He's always hard when he's on stage. Yeah, I got to feel like that. Oh, dude, yeah. He's just fucking, he's communing with the boner gods to rock. I appreciate the no underwear and the leather pants, too. You got to metal on those pants.

You got to figure there's no way to not get a wedgie in leather pants. I feel like as soon as you put on leather pants, you're just like, well, I'm fucking, I'm cracked up all day. There it is. There's my ass. There is some gay Japanese businessman who would pay a million dollars just to smell those pants after a show.

Oh, absolutely. Maybe that's his side hustle. That's how he stays relevant. That's how he went through like when the early 2000s when everything kind of fell apart. Yeah, I don't want to get that part in Precious eventually,

but for right now. Is Lenny Kravitz still putting out heat? Because I feel like he's kind of like in the sort of not smash mouth like level, but like that kind of like, ah, we book him at the county fair kind of category.

He's in a TV show. Okay. I hope he's doing well. He seems like a good man. Yeah, he was in the Hunger Games. And he's married to some hot lady too, I forget. Okay. No, he had a kid with, what's her name?

Is it Lisa Bonet? Oh, shit. Yeah. Who's Lisa Bonet? She was hot a while ago. Yeah. Okay. She's still hot.

She was on something, presumably, but that's how I know who she is. All right. I'm looking up this Lisa Bonet character. This is so much more Letty Kravitz research than I expected us to do. There we go. Oh, there it is. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, she definitely looked like she'd make me feel guilty about some stuff. Holy shit. Is that Chris Hemsworth? No, no. That's Jason Momoa. Oh, yeah. I mean, she'd definitely look like she'd make me feel guilty about some stuff. Holy shit, is that Chris Hemsworth? No, no. That's Jason Momoa. Oh, okay. He kind of... No, he's a different color, my dude. Yeah, he kind of...

That is a large Hawaiian man. I appreciate that. He's a big chocolatey Chris Hemsworth kind of look. You see where I'm getting that from, though. Caramel Hemsworth. I'm not like... That's not an insane comparison Yes it is but I kind of get it

Yeah yeah yeah Sorry which one's Chris Hemsworth Thor Thank you AKA Zaddy I would say second hottest of the Hollywood Chris's Okay I didn't realize you had a list

Well that's the whole thing There's like Chris Pine Chris Evans Chris Hemsworth Sure I can't remember Which one is But Thor is hot

Thor's the hot one Yeah basically the order goes Wonder Woman's boyfriend Thor Captain America You think Wonder Woman And that's Chris Pine That's Chris Pine Yeah Captain Kirk

Star Trek thank you Okay Is he dating Gal Gadot No no no like in the movie Oh okay He plays Steve Trevor Oh gotcha gotcha Well good for them Well now it's time to play One of our favorite games Which of the following Gal Gadot? No, no, no. Like in the movie. Oh, okay. He plays Steve Trevor. Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

Well, good for them. Well, now it's time to play one of our favorite games, Switch of the Following. Hey! This game comes to us from the Big Meek. What's up, Melancholy Parade Floats? Big Meek here at Switch of the Following, Weird Deaths Edition.

These are recorded instances of how real people met their demise. So what's going to happen here, Aaron, is there's going to be, I'm going to read you four things. Three of them are real, one of which was made up by our listener, the Big Meek. So factor that name into your decision-making process. And yeah, we're just a little fun little guessing game. So round number one, Ancient Times Edition. A man who burned to death after covering himself in a mixture of lard, ground rocks, believed to contain phosphate and iron, and crushed up bees to cure his dropsy.

The bees seems redundant. Wait, sorry. How did he die? He was burned to death after covering himself in a mixture of lard, ground rocks, believed to contain phosphate and iron, and crushed up bees to cure his dropsy. So that's like a... He made a weird... He was like...

He had like a chemical burn. He made like weird caveman lotion. B, a man was hiding in a field because he was told that he would die by falling object. A passing bird dropped a turtle on his head, killing him. Oh, man. A man was so beloved in his city that he was smothered by gifts of cloaks and hats thrown to him. That's Lenny Kravitz. Oh, God, the ropes.

He's got velvet poisoning. That's Johnny Depp with the Charlottesville March, and they just keep throwing scarves at him until he's crushed to death. They're like, we believe you, Johnny. A man at a wrestling match, and this is D, a man at a wrestling match at the Olympics kicked his opponent so hard he broke his own neck, but not before winning the wrestling match. It's like when you knock each other out at the same time in a fighting game.

Yeah, so one of those is fake. Yeah. All right, so we've got strange chemical burns. We've got turtle drop, Olympic kick, and then, sorry, what was the? And the cloaks. And the cloaks. Yeah. Okay, so I'm trying to, if these are ancient times,

somebody has to have uncovered these truths. So we're going to find a turtle on top of a skeleton in the middle of a field somewhere. I feel like there was some other caveman watching that happen. Went back like, get load of grog. That's my call for the bullshit, is the bird dropping a turtle. I think that one's so stupid it has to be real.

I think it's a... However, the chemical burn gives me pause because how the fuck would all of that information have come together? It's that weird chemical in the middle that I'm like, no one would make that up. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say C. Not even Meek? If anybody would, it'd be Meek.

I don't know this man at all. I'm going to say C. C is the cloaks one, right? Yeah, yeah. I think it's that one. All right. So we got a B and a C. The answer, A, it was a weird chemical.

Son of a bitch. Too specific, Me, so we got a B and a C. The answer, A, it was a weird chemical. Son of a bitch. Too specific, Meek. That was a real Hector move. Yeah, yeah, with his real fucking weird exfoliating nonsense. And it's only not true because it was in ancient times. It was like two weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's some weird reference to an anime or something.

I just don't get it. I'm sure, yeah. And he's like, well, yeah, that's how my uncle passed when I was trying to do alchemy on him that i learned about from a geocities trying to turn that dumb asshole into gold oh yeah no i was all into geocities pages where it's like you can develop superpowers just like dragon ball z if you fucking use our techniques the hidden tomes of geocities also we can't afford a dot com yeah yeah no that was my that was my whole shit when i was a 10 yearold boy depressed in the suburbs. Like, well, I mean, once I have telekinesis, things will really pick up for me.

You know, life will be a lot kinder to me when I can shoot Kamehameha waves at my foes. Round number two, Ye Olde Dark Ages edition. A. A noble took the head of his defeated opponent as a trophy. On his way home, the head bit into his leg, killing him via infection. B. A man was executed by having molten iron poured into his anus. C, a man, well, they charge 50 bucks for that in Silver Lake, I tell you. C, a man was riding into town when his horse tripped over a pig, flinging him into a puddle of pig shit, which he drowned in. Hell yeah.

Or D, a man was executed by being drowned in a barrel of momsy wine. What is momsy wine? It's a wine you get at Ikea. That's one buck Chuck. Any wine I'm drinking is momsy wine. This is mommy juice. Yeah. The drowning in a puddle of pig

shit is so funny because that means no one around was going to help. Watch this guy. Look at him go. He's just slapping around in there. Man, he loves that pig shit. Oh, man, you straight up love pig shit, bro. What a stupid... Let's just give him a couple more minutes to thrash around in there. Oh, God.

He'll stop drinking when he's full. I know for sure one of these is real good. He died in the basement of Thunderdome. I'm going to say... Can you give me a brief cliff note one more time? The decapitated head infection, iron anus, pig shit,

and momsy wine. Iron anus is opening for train at the county. I'm going to say... A lot of things sound like bands. I'm sorry, man. I'm just trying to fill some gaps here. Oh, dude, I do it more than you. I'm just kidding.

I'm going to say Momsy Wine. Momsy Wine. Decapitated Headbiter. That's too strange. All right, well, the answer, pig shit drowning. Ah, son of a bitch. God, we are terrible. We are bad at this.

I also don't think these are necessarily founded claims. No, I think these are, yeah, some asshole just said this happened. This was all researched on a Geocities page. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, these were stories or whatever, I guess, you know. Yeah. It is funny, like, you think about some of these events, and you think about writing them in fancy old English scripts to record them for future generations. And lo, he drank many a shit of the pig.

And t'was his fate to be, have his ass melted. generations. And lo, he drank many a shit of the pig. And twas his fate to be, have his ass melted. What the fuck ever. Alright, round number three. Who gives a fuck when it happened edition? A. A Swedish king ate himself to death. B. A drunk was beaten to death with a Bible and an

exorcism gone wrong. C. A boy was swung around by his ankles by a clown killing him. You get a clown aneurysm. Well, read the last one and I'll tell you. D. A lawyer shot himself in court while attempting to demonstrate to the court how this type of gun couldn't have been fired accidentally. His client was exonerated. These are all too good.

Well, the clown one I know is real because we did it in the Irish goodbye episode. Oh, really? Yeah, where we talked about all the dumb ways Irish people would die. Oh, okay. Oh, Lord. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Fucking.

Yeah. So that one's off the table. That one's real. Yeah. I didn't mean to spoil the game. No, no, no. I forgot about that. I try to black out, you know.

As a white nationalist, I don't like to hear a lot of anti-Irish sentences. And this is it, Connor. This is your moment. I like to think of all our achievements like James Joyce and whiskey. And I don't know, sitting out of World War Two. What do we do? I guess that one good U2 album. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck the cranberries, though, man. Man, fuck them. They're better now that she's dead. You guys are just accidentally Showing me how simple One of my stupid bits is She's holding the cranberries back Yeah Again, cliff notes one more time

Alright, so we got Fat Swedish King Bible exorcism beating Clown ankles And the lawyer that shot himself To prove that the gun Could be fired accidentally I'm pretty confident

It's Fat Swedish King Alright Just for controversy's sake prove that the gun could be fired accidentally. I'm pretty confident it's Fat Swedish King. All right. Just for controversy's sake, I'm going to go with the other one that's not the shooting one. Okay, the exorcism, the Bible one? Yeah, yeah, drunk exorcist. It was the Bible exorcism, guys. Yes! Playing the odds.

Ooh, well done. That's what I'm doing. We're on the board. All right, round number four, Modern Times. A man was crushed to death while attempting to make love to a tractor.

B. I'm in love with a tractor. If you fuck a tractor, fine. If you make love to a tractor, I have problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like if you fucking watch an episode of a show

you like with a tractor before you fuck. I got my combine. My combine's my fuck baby. Yeah, I feel like if you fucking watch an episode of a show you like with a tractor before you fuck. I got my combine. My combine's my fuck baby. This tractor, though, she and I, we got something special. My fuck baby. Instead of like baby oil, you just put WD-40 all over it. You're like, oh, yeah, you're so shiny for me.

Oh, there's so many nice joints to really rub my fucking raw cock on. Yeah, yeah. Man, I don't want my fucking exposed dick anywhere near a piece of farm equipment. A tractor just seems like the least sexy vehicle you could fuck. No, man, no. You ain't seen this baby work. I mean, do you stuff a flashlight in the tailpipe at least?

No, the tractor hates that. We're not fans of the BBW community Keith I feel like we should have to acknowledge That if you're a car fucking guy We would probably be tractor enthusiasts We'd be tractor chasers Nah I'd be fucking one of those motorcycles But it's a tricycle

That thing's got swag That's like the Bridget the Midget Of fucking car sex That's weird We're really parsing this I don't think we're supposed to call them trikes anymore Bridget the midget of fucking car sex. That's like weird. That's weird. Trikes? We're really parsing this. I don't think we're supposed to call them trikes anymore. It's politically incorrect.

It identifies as a motorcycle. It's a non-binary. Well, yeah, it's a trinary. Anyway, so, yeah, we got tractor fucker. That's A. Okay. Storage tank full of molasses burst open in Boston, killing 21 people and injuring over 150. C, a woman cremated herself when she fell asleep while smoking a cigarette.

Or D, a driver in the South American Grand Prix was killed while being struck in the head with a fire extinguisher. Cremated herself. Yeah. Seemed a little colorful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, burned to death. She got fired.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, save somebody a trip to the up. The polyurethane Afghan was first to go. Check out this woman's amazing Richard Pryor impression. I feel like they walked in there and the guy's like, okay, well, the family wants the ash. And he just goes, I don't know. He's like, scoop it.

Yeah, scoops a big gold cup of something. And he's like, here you go. That's probably rain. Saved you 800 bucks, so you're welcome. There's a piece of a chair in there, but she loved that chair. Whatever. Just fucking pay me. All right, let's see.

Melancus Day. Passersby attempted to smother the flames with a series of robes and furs. Oh, it's a twofer. Oh, man, that'd be funny. Johnny Depp's gravestone is just all scarves. You know, just people paying their respects. He died the way he lived. Kind of gay, but mostly stupid.

You tie your bandana to the end And eventually it'll go all the way around the world You know for Johnny Scarves across America So it's Tractor Fucker Molasses Tank Cream Aided Herself And Fire Extinguisher Race Car

I'm gonna say Fire Extinguisher Race Car Alright Aaron where are you at on this one I was feeling on the same page Yeah I think this is it yeah so because it's somebody driving and then gets like bludgeoned by what a co-pilot with

that thing just like somebody threw it from somewhere else yeah Kobe did it through the fucking window that sounds more believable now I guess yeah yeah

half of these could be Mario Kart deaths that's the next that's the next the turtle hits you then the fire extinguisher. Oh, there has been a turtle. Yeah, they slip on the banana peel. It's a whole fucking thing.

Yeah, yeah. This is totally interesting. The other day I was walking down the street and I literally slipped and fell on a fucking banana peel. And I was like, it really, really hurt. And then I just looked over and I'm like, I can't even be mad. Somebody called the cops on you. Yeah, I think somebody's being hilarious outside. Send a paramedic.

Give this man CPR and the $10,000, because that's America's funniest home video. Oh, man, the schtick is unbearable. All right, so what's your guess, Aaron? I go fire extinguisher. Fire extinguisher part two. You guys are wrong. That guy successfully made love to that tractor.

He was completely fine. Ah, suck a dick, Big Mink. Look, if you're fucking a tractor, I gotta figure, you read the manual. That's like porn to you if you're a tractor guy. Yeah, you just be on top. It's the safest way to avoid this happening. How hard are you fucking the tractor that it's moving? I want a fucking tractor cowgirl.

I want the tractor to run over me. It's your turn. Oh, man. I feel like I've been doing all the work here. Oh, yeah, you're right. I can't handle that shit, Jane Deere. I like that it can't even

be a guy tractor. Hey, I'm a fucking tractor, but I ain't no fucking queer. Oh, I don't know. I was just trying to make a pun. Marriage is between a man and that tractor. You know, sometimes

you try to riff and you end up excluding the disenfranchised listeners of the podcast and you feel bad about it and as a white nationalist you don't want to do that as a white nationalist I judge people by the color of their skin not the contents of their search history on the internet

if you guys want to make a donation to the storm front defense force in my name I'm kidding fuck Nazis or whatever. Round five. All real or all fake. The apathy. A. A diver exploded while attempting to surface too fast.

That's totally probable. B. A couple were fucking on a grand piano suspended in the air when one of them hit the hydroponics that pinned the man to the ceiling, killing him. And she was fine? Or he was fine as well? I don't know. No. A couple, I think. Killing him. I guess was fine? Or he was fine as well? I don't know. No. A couple, I think.

Killing him, I guess she lived. You know? That's when you want to be on top. Wait, you said they were fucking on a grand piano suspended?

Suspended? Yeah, so I think he wrote hydroponics, but I think he meant hydraulics. That makes sense. Because hydroponics are a weed thing. And hydraulics

are a lift stuff thing. Maybe the piano was being suspended in the air by a series of streams of water. Yeah, suspending a grand piano seems like an idea you'd have super hot. Yeah. All right, we'll see. A man was killed after his excessive use of body spray deodorant built up in his blood.

Or D, a man was demonstrating the effectiveness of a window to not break by throwing himself at the 24th story of a building. The window became dislodged after a second attempt and he fell to his death. He did it twice. Are these all real or all fake? These are all real. 24th story of a building the one who became dislodged after a second attempt and he fell to his death twice are these all real or all fake these are all real the thing where you're

like let me prove to you how good this works never seems to go well yeah there's a guy there's like commercials of this guy who had like a gun shop and he just wear

bulletproof vests and had like get shot in the chest big sale events and I'm like oh man yeah that's kind of awesome but also buddy wait did he die or he

didn't die that guy I don't remember still kicking well you saw the commercial die Or he didn't die That guy I don't remember Still kicking Well if you saw the commercial You gotta figure he lived Yeah yeah I don't think they're gonna air it If he got shot

I mean we already put all the money Into this production Well it says like Best bulletproof vest He dies And then it just scratches out And says best guns So all real or all fake

Yeah I say all real So even the The blood poisoning By body spray? Yeah That seems like some shit That happened

Yeah Killed by axes Yeah And I just I've known enough people Who overuse axe that hard That I could totally See it happening

Yeah You're like Kind of jaundiced And then you're like Yeah You're like turning like orange Like I'm fine I smell great

Yeah yeah I want to base myself Like a middle school Thanksgiving turkey. Now the ladies are going to like me, dead vomit shit. Yeah.

I never thought... Oh, there you go. Oh, I just... I never thought Axe smelled as offensive as other people, but I don't have a very good sense of smell.

I've also never worn it. I use it sometimes, but I use it like sparingly. Yeah, I think that's the problem is it attracts people a little too liberal with... Yeah, and I used to be that guy who was just like i don't ever have to do laundry create an order down yeah i smell like truck have you just checked your blood

recently like like hey we're not gonna let you give blood it's not because you have gay sex my blood type is cool ranch i know what i'm working with keith's blood is full of tiny axes like battle axis and they're just like yeah i don't know what I'm working with. I do think Keith's blood is full of tiny axes, like battle axes, and they're just like, yeah, I don't know what happened here. They're just trying to chip their way through my shitty arteries. Yeah, your blood has revolted against you. They're demanding a Magna Carta of vegetables from your nervous system to continue working. All your red blood cells have turned into incels.

Red blood incels? Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're driving a truck through my pancreas again it's gonna be a long dump today alright

all real or all fake I'm gonna go all real those are all real guys bless god bless

America I believe Aaron wins this round I don't think you got any right except that last one yeah it sounds

right yeah congratulations fuck yeah you win I came here to win, but that feels good. I didn't even know there was something to be won. I mean, we don't usually keep track of who wins, but we don't know Aaron that well, and I wanted to like us, so I was like, yeah, you won. I win, I win.

I was told there was going to be stickers at the end of this, so that's my pay. You can have some stickers if you want them. No, I won the stickers. Yeah, you did. And you can also not take them if you don't want them. I won that freedom of choice. We're trying to sell the stickers, so just be conservative. No, I'm kidding.

We got a lot of stickers. You can have a sticker. That's right. We're rolling and giving away stickers. Wow, I have been really on the edge of my seat with whether or not I'm getting these fucking stickers today. You were very brave. You got your shots, and you can have a Meat Boy sticker. And we'll be right back.

Who wants TCBY? Yeah, we'll be right back with the Mean Boys mailbag right after this. Hey, freelancers. Are you running out of facets of your life and emotional identity

to monetize? Are you out of time between your Etsy store, Patreon, branded content contributions and Postmates deliveries to take on new be-your-own-boss-bullshit sharing economy jobs jobs then sleep cams might be right for you just point your webcam at

your face before bed and then wait for the tokens to start rolling in viewers will be charged a low amount every minute to watch you sleep and jerk off or whatever catch some z's and make some green who is watching this you ask other overworked independent 20-somethings will have developed a sexual fetish for the notion of rest and throw their hard-earned cash at the opportunity to live through you between late-night copywriting and m-turking. Everybody wins. Stay in the casino. It's going to be your turn soon. You're one break away. Just keep listening to that one podcast that inspires you and earn your future. And most importantly, make money from people coming to you while you're asleep.

Sleep camps. We're going to do pooping next. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast, and it's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. What? That's what mail sounds like.

Air is exciting at Puerto Rican Disco. Yeah, we got a jingle that goes in there. It's pretty fun. So yeah, there's a guy hitting on Nicole Buchanan in the mentions. Stop that. Yeah, don't do that. He was, I guess, nice about it, I guess. Yeah. Whenever I see any of our fans tweet anything nice at our lady guests, I'm excited, but I'm also

like, come on. Alright, be cool. Everybody be cool. Because one of you is going to ruin this eventually. I mean, you tweet whatever you want at me I get it It's not funny But you knock yourself out But yeah just

They're not up for grabs Yeah exactly Okay he wrote Let's put the creepometer on this Heard you on Mean Boys Heard you arguing You weren't pretty enough To bookmark

No creeping here But you're beautiful I agree with the guys You're both pretty And super funny Enjoyed you on Mean Boys Podcast And hope you come back on That's reasonable

That's reasonable. That's reasonable. Unnecessary, but reasonable. Yeah. I think he was trying to be nice. Yeah. I see him in the mentions

and he's a nice listener. And I think Nicole, you know, just, Nicole just wants to be loved. She liked it, so. No questions on Instagram, but Zara Khan just says,

you're great. Hey, thanks Zara. Yeah, big fan of your whole deal. Yeah, all right. Dark homunculus, right? To ever have a dream, make things uncomfortable, slash change the dynamic of your relationship

with someone. No, I've been on the receiving end of this a lot, of people being mad about dreaming. I had a dream about you, Connor. And then, like, here's it, like, in a relationship, you can't, like, you can't, like, hear that and then be like, well, DMT is released during the dream. You know, you can't, like, go like, well, yeah, I mean, it doesn't, it can't like go like well yeah i mean it doesn't it's a dream it's not you know well i mean it's like a chemical it's like a drug and you know did somebody get you said a partner got mad at you for something you did in a dream or uh yeah yeah or just or just like upset or whatever but yeah i've

never really had that i had a recurring thing yeah where my ex was having dreams about me fucking other people and then she'd be like i know it's not fair to be mad at you but i just woke up mad yeah i stayed mad at you all day i've had that experience what is also such a bummer because like i didn't even get to have the dream where i fucked that person like at least that would have been kind of cool to be like look at me go like yeah i don't dream very much every once in a while i have a dream that like i'm like i had a dream when i was a kid that i murdered somebody at arby's with a crossbow and i woke up and i was like oh my god i'm a fucking mom i have to turn myself into the police and then i'm like oh wait i'm not the fucking crossbow. Wow. And I woke up and I was like, oh my God, I'm a fucking mom. I have to turn myself into the police.

And then I was like, oh wait, I'm not the fucking crossbow bandit. This is going to sound like a bit, but I swear to God it's true. I did have a dream you were my dad once. Oh yeah? And it was really fucking weird. Oh, that's bizarre. Was he the same age? What's up?

He's the same age. Yeah, he was just Connor. He wasn't even wearing like my dad's clothes or like married to any of my, you know, mom type people in my life. Yeah. Yeah. No, you were just my mom type. You were just my dad. I'm like, we were kind of married to any of your mom-type people in my life. Yeah, no, you were just... Any of my mom-type people.

You were just my dad. I wasn't married to any of your ex-girlfriends. The whole time, you're like, oh, dad, quit calling me fat. And even in the dream, I was like, I don't think that's dad, but it's dad. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I never really bothered.

I always had enough, you know, I was always able to separate it, but I guess people have intense dreams, so I get it, but it's just... It's always very annoying where, you know, it's just like, oh, but I guess people have intense dreams, so I get it, but it's always very annoying where it's just like, oh, it's been a weird morning. What did I do?

I've had a couple dreams in which I hooked up with whomever, whatever casual acquaintance or coworker, and then on two occasions, I've been like, maybe I should go for it, but yeah, it didn't really work out. And then I had one dream.

I was seeing this guy in real life at the time. And in a dream I had, he had like a two-pronged little finger penis. It really just killed the buzz on that thing forever. But what about in real life? Well, three prongs, obviously. Oh, okay. Classic American Outlet stuff. A trident of pleasure. You've going to have one to ground it.

Yeah. The grounding gong. You could use it to summon fish from the deep to do his bidding. Aquaman. Alright, Harry Moore writes, what's the nicest thing you've experienced from Mean Boys fans that really touched you? Follow up, is there anything that really bothers you that some

fans do? Because I am making my to-do list for this week. Yeah, well, I'll say the thing that bothers me is Tom is not stupid at all. Tom is very smart. So, yeah, don't treat Tom like he's an idiot because Tom's a fucking genius.

He just communicates strangely. Yeah, and granted, we haven't helped that by calling Tom retarded on a professional level for the past two years. It's a bit. I should make that clear, but yeah, just fucking don't bring that energy at our boy. That irritates me.

That's about the only thing. Anything else? I'm very just flatter than anybody who gives a shit. I don't really get turned off by anything else. Yeah, nothing ever irritates me. Have I ever i ever seen irritated because i've had people come up to me at the live shows afterwards and be like are you like mad at me like they get weird i'm just before i do a show i'm generally not the most like chatty fun person i know that about you you kind of like cove up and find a corner to yeah i kind of find my corner i sort of get in my zone afterwards i will totally hang out and talk to people so if i ever came off like a dick

to anybody at the shows i apologize i talk to people a lot before the shows because I'm just putting off the time I should be using to work on my material. Yeah, yeah. See, I'm the opposite way. Well, I'm like, like a Mean Boys show specifically,

I'm like, these people actually know who I am and came to see me so if I bomb now, I'm just bad at being me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, you know what I mean? That I have no,

I can't blame it on anybody else. Yeah, that's for the nicest thing. I mean, you guys have given me a fucking lovely, like the gifts and stuff are really amazing. Like the nicest thing. I mean, you guys have given me a fucking lovely, like the gifts and stuff are really amazing. Like that's, that's all. I mean, I'm wearing my,

my fucking Mean Boys Yeezys right now. Shout out again to you, dude. Thank you. What? Somebody got you those shoes? Yeah, someone sent me Yeezys, man. Just because I mentioned in passing that I like them.

And if anyone wants to send me more Yeezys, God fuck, please. It was the craziest thing. Yeah, they sent a package to the house. He got Yeezys. I got a, like Like Louis Vuitton wallet

And Tom got a Japanese suicide knife From World War II What a sweet The thing that definitely No he likes swords and knives The thing that means the most Is definitely

You know that Just saying that the show Like you know You listen to it When you're depressed Or when you're having a bad day Or just to kind of Pass the time

You know doing something In your life That you don't appreciate And being a part of The routine of shit That you know Kind of when you're having a bad day or just to kind of pass the time, you know, doing something in your life that you don't appreciate and being a part of the routine of shit that, you know, kind of helps you get through the nonsense and shitty parts of life is the biggest honor of my life

and it's all I could have ever hoped for, you know, for my time on earth. So that always fucking breaks, but that's very, very, like fucking, it really means a lot to me. Yeah,

that's exactly what I was going to say. All that fucking is so awesome and I'm really, and I appreciate the hell out of you. Yeah, and the show is profoundly dumb. Sometimes we feel silly making it. So whenever anybody emails us, like, oh, this got me through a shitty thing, it's nice to know, like, oh, this means something to someone, even if it is just us yelling about the Fudge Lord or calling Tom retarded and getting mad that people call Tom retarded. Yeah, yeah. And I'm honored to mean something to anybody, and I consider it a great responsibility,

so I do try to not let you down. I try to respond to everybody. I've been a little busy this month, so I've been kind of behind. So I've got to go through the emails and shit and write everybody back. But I love you guys very much, so we appreciate you. So anything like that, if you listen to it when you're bummed out, because that's, you know,

the relationship I've had with like comedy and media and podcasting is there certain things like, Oh yeah, I remember during that time I was listening to a lot of this. So that's when I watched, you know, Maria Bamford show on super deluxe. And I really enjoyed that.

And I was really bummed out. And I thought like, Oh, that's cool. I'd like to make something like that. Like one day or whatever. So any, anything like that is fucking awesome.

And on a lighter note, if mean boys was a flavored ice cream, what kind of ice cream would it be? Neapolitan? You're eating Neapolitan? It would have been Neapolitan during the Joe days because we had a straight guy, a bisexual guy, and a gay guy. And it was perfect. That's why I always described it. Wait, which one is which?

I'm straight. You're bi, and Joe is strawberry. No, I know, idiot. I meant which one is which flavor. Joe is strawberry. I was going to say Keith is strawberry. You're chocolate. I'm vanilla.

I guess, well, I'm strawberry, right? I mean, Keith's strawberry. Well, strawberry is the fruitiest. Yeah, but I feel like vanilla is the most plain. Chocolate is the most decadently gay. And then strawberry is in the middle. It's like, I can go either way. I'm just a sweet little strawberry.

Yeah, I'm a little party boy. If I was going to describe... Less people want me than the other two, but everybody who likes me loves me. Like, if Joe was an ice cream flavor, he would be like a tonic water flavored ice cream. He would be some kind of weird bitter. They invent plain. By the way, quick side note, because I saw this pop up on the Reddit a couple of times. We still like Joe.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We love Joe. Every time Joe comes up, there's this weird like, oh, what happened to Joe? Joe's fine. We love Joe. Joe's doing great. Joe's still funnier than us. Yeah, very much so.

Yeah, I like the Neapolitan. I like that I'm strawberry. You're vanilla and Tom is insane vanilla. And Tom's gelato somehow. Yeah, Tom is soup. Yeah, Tom is the toity bird from the Ice Cream Man with one of the gumdrop eyes missing. Yeah, if we did get to do our

Jimmy Fallon Tonight Dough kind of deal with Ben and Jerry's, I'm a big fan of peanut butter and cookie dough. man with one of the gumdrop eyes missing yeah if we did get to do our like jimmy fallon like tonight dough kind of deal with ben and jerry's i mean i'm a big fan of peanut butter and cookie dough i don't know about cross-pollinating those elements so i would probably the dough of a peanut butter cookie oh oh shit peanut butter cookie dough that's what it would be for me i damn aaron you just changed the motherfucking game, lady. I love flavors. Two things about me. Seen only one movie, and it was the first Princess Diaries. And also I'm apparently some sort of Jewish grandma from the Bronx.

Who plays a ukulele. Yeah, I'm a lot of stuff. I got five lines in a Woody Allen movie. I'm the queen of Flavortown. I'm a treat aficionado. I would be honored. Unfortunately, the bloodline is not strong enough. All right. Eat'm a treat aficionado. I would be honored. Unfortunately, the bloodline is not strong enough. All right.

Eat your cookie dough and bring a jacket. So yeah, how did you guys decide you wanted to do comedy instead of acting or whatever semi-stable thing you used to do?

I love it. I love it. Acting is stable. Yeah, I've abandoned my successful career as an actor. You do look like

everyone who aged out of the Disney Channel. In which I have appeared in one Kyle Clark web series and an online commercial for an upstart photo booth company. My acting career. I showed you that photo booth commercial where I'm just very awkwardly pretending to have a good time at a party.

No. I think I'll try to find it somewhere. I don't remember the name of the company. Acting Baby. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. It's comedy instead of a stable thing. Well, if you want the real answer, it's because I'm convinced that the great economic collapse is coming soon.

And I figured I'm definitely going to die in the apocalypse, and there's no way I'd be able to create a sustainable savings or backup plan. So I thought I may as well have a lot of fun times before I get fucking bayoneted to death by my Chinese overl know, Chinese overlord and, you know, this continental debtor's prison. Yeah. That's why I'm doing comedy. We were watching this Michael Moore documentary last night. Of course you were. These hardworking people who have, like, had this, like, real, the same job for 40 years and then they get fired and lose everything. I'm just like, sucks to suck, nerd.

I'm getting 600 bucks to go to Oklahoma and talk about my dick. Like, you know, It's going to survive. The worse their lives get, the more they need to look at us do stuff. Oh, man, that makes it sound very ugly. I don't like that at all. That was the point. It was a joke. I know.

I know. I'm just like, oh, geez. No, genuinely, I don't do a stable thing because I'd rather be broke forever and just do a thing that makes me happy than make a bunch of money and do a thing that is boring or sucks. Yeah, I just thought of that. I don a thing that is like boring or sucks yeah i just i don't think anything i don't think it's wrong for like wanting a stable life like i don't think like i'm you know i don't think there's anything wrong with that at all i don't know man car accidents happen i don't believe in an afterlife i'm trying to i'm trying to you know dude i'm

trying to just do the ideal shit and if it doesn't work i can't say i didn't go for it you know like you're gonna die just fucking party now stop saving all these plants for cloud town there's no fucking cloud town you gotta do it right here how about you what uh well i still got a part-time gig you know like that i would probably actually judging by the like values of that organization i should really never be on any podcast talking about white supremacy. Ingest. We're having a good time. Relatively anti-nuts.

But also anti-cranberries. I mean, the Jew stuff is great, but everything else, no. No, I love this stuff. Like you said, same thing. If I can slave away at this for years and years and like make a dime at it that's that means a lot to me rather than you know selling out and doing nothing for nobody like I want I want meaning in my life and hopefully I mean I can either find a career that gives me that or keep doing this and

do fucking art or whatever it is art yeah I didn't I don't know if anybody calls stand-up art. I'm like, I get it, objective way it is, but I'm also like, ugh. Yeah, I know. Shut up. I like to think of myself as a plumber for boner jokes. You're the bone plumber. I'm a tradesman.

Guys, that's just a diss. Ever ghosted a girl or guy? If so, why? You go first. May I please take the lead on this um i i did a fair bit of like online dating when i moved to seattle and uh there was you know there was a handful of duds but like i feel like you gotta get your grab a handful of duds, you know, there's the ones that you realize. I'm calling nut play a handful of duds right now. A handful of duds.

Nut play. Ooh, yeah. Let me get up in them duds. Well, he needed something better than nut play, so. Would you suck my duds? Dud guzzler. Oh, you teabagged me. You got your duds on my face, bro.

Come on. It only works if they're got your duds on my face, bro. Come on. It only works if they're shooting blanks, too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Only sterile balls. The best kind of balls. And I don't know how you can tell, but there's got to be some sort of pilot system. You got to check the serial number.

You got to look it up online. No, these ones never work. Yeah. Yeah, dated online a couple medical people and i feel like you know being like a being in comedy and you you get a lot from just general conversation with people so if you don't click through like basic internet flirting then it's like that's an easy no-go that's how people can like they can hold on to you for long enough you go out you meet and uh and then they like really let all their fucking goon out yeah and uh unleash the

dweebery i gotta hunt down this message but like i i ghosted on this guy we'd we'd hung out like twice i think we made out and uh he like turned out it was just like really into really into hentai and stuff and i was like whatever like i don't care about that like individually but i'm not trying to like date this uh strangeness and uh this is a hate free zone a little more open you you don't realize this you just alienated thousands of fans that's a good crossover between the hentai boys oh yeah the juggalo hentai mean boys Realize this, you just alienated thousands of fans. That's a good crossover between the hentai boys and the mean boys. Oh yeah, the juggalo hentai mean boys.

I got, oh man, how many of you are in? If you're in the hentai, send us a code. Don't open this door. I don't want to see it, but just tell me the appeal. I'm curious. I'm not mad at it, but I'm just like, how do you end up there? How do you get there? Did he call you out for ghosting him? He did, yeah. I ghosted him after like day two because he was like I I

tried to give him a gentle exit I was like well I gotta really got a lot of stuff to do and like he just kept like hitting me up and so I stopped responding and then he gave me like a foot one of those nice four page long text messages about how like I was uh missing out on like the best opportunity I'd ever had I'm like okay buddy the ground opportunity I'd ever had. I'm like, okay, buddy. You're hitting it at the ground floor of a squid fuck dude opportunity. I am going to really blossom into a beautiful butterfly. There's nothing worse than playing salesman on your own behalf. You're like, I'll tell you what, I work hard, all right?

Listen, I might not be much to look at or a very good kisser or charming or cool. What's it going to take to put you in an 88 Keith King? I have ghosted someone, by which I mean I sucked a woman into a vacuum to stop her from destroying a monument. Ba-da-da-da! Hey! That's a child. Jokes! Yeah, I always feel bad when I do it because I never want to ghost people,

but there's no good way to be like, we fucked twice and I don't like you that much. Yeah, you've got to really meet at the same level as somebody to be like hey this isn't good right and then they go yeah and you're like okay bye and i feel like if you get lucky like a casual hookup scenario you both kind of just mutually go yeah the mutual ghosting yeah that's beautiful we stopped yeah yeah that's great yeah you don't want to one way i never like i don't know i mean i'm trying to figure out how to like be a guy that talks to people and dates and everything is clear.

Because you never want someone... You never want to lead anybody on or anything like that. Totally. I had a guy... Can I do an opposite story? Sure, yeah. Very nice gentleman I met at work. I'd never really exchanged numbers with somebody that I was serving at my restaurant.

So we ended up meeting up for a day date you know there was just not really any sparks or whatever uh and it was fine uh he was cute i continue to be fucking sexy as hell but we went our separate ways and then like a week later he texted me a very polite like hey even though we hadn't talked at all after this date he texted me like hey listen um in the spirit of full disclosure i just want to say you know i don't think this is going to go anywhere and i was like fucking no doy who is this yeah it's a week after a day date and there's been no contact no one was confused about the state of this yeah it's like you're such a polite person that you didn't want somebody probably was like yeah don't ghost her i'm like yeah or he just really didn't like you and he's like, you think she gets it? I want to make sure she gets it.

Yeah. It's a toughie. All right. You've never done it, Connor? Oh, ghosted somebody? Yeah, I guess I have. I don't know. I do feel bad about it.

I've tried to go make, like, I've made amends on most of my ghosties, I suppose. Did you run into them or something? I've ran into them a couple times. Yeah, two in particular I ran into. Although I talked something um i've ran i ran into him a couple times yeah

two two two in particular i ran into i though i talked to him about it before i ran into them so i was you know more more less awkward when i saw them you know so i'm at the gym and i've randomly at a comedy show just this gal i kind of like was talking to in high school i've talked about on the show and she just came to the worst fucking show ever oh yeah i promise my career is going slightly better i still don't want to date you yeah yeah but uh yeah no i mean it is it is definitely fucking show ever. Oh, yeah. I promise my career is going slightly better. I still don't want to date you. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, no,

I mean, it is definitely tough because, I don't know, I mean, I also just get anxious and overwhelmed, so I'll just like, I'll just check out of things, you know, romantic or otherwise. Right.

You know, so, got to try to be better about that. You know, we'll work in progress. What's the stupidest or most humiliating thing you've done to win a bet? I don't know.

I don't know that I've ever. This is a man's game. I'm going to sit this one out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is some real. This is some fucking Y chromosome shit right here. Yeah. Let us and our dumb wiener pride carry this one to Finleytown.

To win a bet. I don't know. I mean, I did a whole set as a pirate just to prove some people that I, you know, prove you guys I wouldn't do it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to include the audio of that on this episode. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful.

I think so. It sounds kind of crappy, but I'll see if I can figure it out. Well, we'll put it. Okay. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I guess do seven minutes as a pirate.

Yeah. In front of a really good show where I could have easily have done, worked on material or something. You were also stoned. I'll be a pirate the whole time. Yeah, for the Gateway Show. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever done anything that stupid to win a bet. Yeah.

I know I've had to do stupid things because I lost a bet. What have you had to do because you lost a bet? This is the weirdest thing. I forget what the bet was, but I lost a bet with my stepdad when I was eight. So he made me eat a bunch of jalapenos all at once and then just laughed at me because I had a spicy, sad child mouth. There you go. He was also a nazi he wasn't a great guy yeah yeah um yeah i don't think i've ever had like the loss to bed had to do a thing what about that time when you uh made out with the uh girl with the glasses in high school and then she didn't really fit in

and then you like took her to prom and that you're not embarrassed at all by that is this a reference to a movie i haven't seen yes okay maybe she's all that oh okay yeah yeah nah nah didn't do that man it was it was a good riff it was for you yeah i watched him just drag it screaming to the bottom i was trying to think of something funny to say i just i was not like i guess maybe you would look at me now and think that maybe I had some level of confidence when I was younger because I feel like I'm a fairly comfortable in my own skin type of fellow. I've seen the photographs.

I know the truth. Yeah, no, absolutely. Oh, it was dark times. Now you're the wiener. It was full-on Deadliest Warrior game. We were playing Yu-Gi-Oh. We skipped out on a lot of pep rallies to just Google car prices and shit. Yeah, that was not any kind of environment for me.

Hey, what were some of the jokes you did for the roast of Bruce Willis? I don't really want to read out all my jokes because it was a collaborative process. Yeah, same. A bunch of people have asked me. I'm not going to tell you, but thank you for your support on that.

Yeah, thanks for giving a shit. Can you say what one of your favorites of the night was? I mean, there's one joke that I know that I wrote that didn't get changed or edited really, and it's a... That's what I like. It's funny or whatever, One joke that I know that I wrote that didn't get changed or edited really, and it's a joke that I like. It's funny or whatever, but it's a, Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, I wrote.

I love that. Yeah, one that I liked that got in was that Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks like a lesbian on her way to prom. Yeah, but I mean, fucking, yeah, the whole fucking crew was amazing. And yeah, it was all, at the end of the thing, it's like, who gives a shit? It's just when the show happens. Exactly, yeah. That's awesome. And finally, best fan meeting slash worst fan meeting stories.

Also, why does that Keith Tells joke look like a sexy snuffle-up again? You're not wrong. I do kind of look like snuffle-up again. Yeah, I might retweet that. Yeah, I think I already did. Okay. God, what is the worst fan meeting? Because most of our fans are pretty cool. Yeah, the one guy in Philly, I think,

that was kind of trying to neg everybody, I guess. Wait, is this the guy in Philly who was trying to fuck? I think so, yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, kept, like, making gay jokes, but in the way where it's like... Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy sucks. Yeah, I am also gay, but fuck gay people.

Yeah. What are you doing? I was sort of like, what's your racket here? Yeah, yeah, gay But fuck gay people What are you doing I was sort of like What's your racket here Yeah yeah I was just like What team are we on Yeah exactly

Be your terrible self sir That guy was kind of a wiener I feel bad because I mean don't start shit I mean I guess we tease people Or whatever But it's like We're very good at it

And you know And just like don't Like you know And if I cross the line I really do try to make I really don't ever want to H hurt anyone's feelings or offend them particularly you know it's off the laps outside of a gentle ribbing you know but it's like yeah sometimes people will kind of try to like stir up some some shit and get and i'm just going yeah it's just

hang you know that's just be cool yeah the only the only fan we've ever had to publicly reprimand was the guy who hit his girlfriend and the guy who kept tweeting us rape threats so as long as you're not those two guys we we think you're great. Yeah. Yep. So, yeah. And then best. Oh, man. Gina in Chicago will always have a very special place in my heart.

That was really sweet to meet her. Yeah, it was a gal who came to our live show the day of her mother's funeral. Aw. Yeah. Left early. Yeah. The funeral, not our show. She stayed the whole time.

Yeah, it was really great to meet Gina. She probably needed that. That's one of those things. I feel bad because I feel like the last 20 minutes has been Aaron just watching us suck our own dicks in the building. I know. Yeah. the whole time. Yeah, it was really great to meet Gina. She probably needed that. I feel bad because I feel like the last 20 minutes she's been airing just watching us suck our own dicks in the mail. I know, yeah. I'm sorry. The fans love it. I'm trying. When I'm snuffling up, I just reach down there.

You can be sincere on your white nationalist podcast. You gotta break it up, guys. God damn, we love Hitler, dude. Alright, well, Erin, thank you so much for coming in. This is coming out tomorrow. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? Any shows you got coming up? Oh, what's good?

What's good? We should maybe plug the show we're doing with you on Friday. Yeah, absolutely. I'll probably just have to do a spot on that show just to hang out with you guys. But Friday night at Jai Tai in Capitol Hill, Seattle, Washington. Come on by. See the Mean Boys co-headlining. Actually, all three of y'all try headlining

and a true Cerberus of comedy. Tom is taking a train out and so far... Does Tom know how little money we have because Tom doesn't know anything That'll be a good one Fudge, I never prepare for this part of it

Good shit, yeah Follow me, I'm really for this part of it. Good shit. Yeah, follow me. I'm really dangerously close to 1,000 followers on Instagram. Get me there, at SesamePlexer. Do it. Do it right now. At SesamePlexer.

Come at me. Whatever. I've got a lot of trash-based content, stuff I find on the street. You're going to love it. Yep. And, yeah, good things. So hopefully all on the rise from here yeah do it up and yeah come see us a live podcast in portland august

8th that's this thursday bring a damn friend bring a social worker bring your mom uh yeah oh yeah that's right august 9th august 9th in portland august 10th in seattle yep there you go fucking the links for that will be in the damn show notes. Come out. We'd love to see you. After that, you can see your boy. I'm at Pechanga in Temecula, August 31st and September 1st. I'm doing some of the comedy height shows down in San Diego from the 23rd to the 26th of August. And I'll be in Laffs in Tucson, September 7th and 8th. And I'll be at La Stats in San Diego. Love that show.

September 11th, 9-11. Hey. By the way, I'll pre-announce we may have a fun surprise for this year's 9-11 episode. Oh, yeah. We had a discussion with you-know-who. Roger Schmanazese.

We had Steve Rannazese on a 9-11 episode last year. That's beautiful. He did not tell them that's what we were doing. He was amused by it and we may be able to do a second annual Steve Rizzo-Renzi 9-11 spectacular.

And come see me headline the Ontario Improv September 26th if you're in Ontario, California. That'll be fun. So September 6th through 8th I will be in San Diego

doing the Comedy Heights run. I'll be posting locations and times for that very, very soon. October 5th and 6th I will be in Miami, Oklahoma. God help me at the Looney Saloon. October 12th and 6th, I will be in Miami, Oklahoma. God help me at the Looney Saloon.

October 12th and 13th, I'll be at Laffs in Tucson. And October 24th through the 27th, I will be at the Madhouse in San Diego. And one more

on the horizon if you're in the LA area, doing a long set at Chatterbox in West Covina, September 30th. That's one of the best shows in the country

and I'll be there. Oh yeah, go to that shit. There you go. Cool. That's about it. Thanks for coming in, Aaron. Oh, yeah. Go to that shit. There you go. Cool. That's about it. Thanks for coming in, Aaron. Thanks, boys. Yeah.

What a pleasure. Fuck everything. God is great.