Mean Boys - EP 146 - Sex Positive Croissanterie (Live in Portland)

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

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Oh, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast live in Portland. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. This was a fun-ass show at the Big Legrowski. Yeah, if you're coming over from the Naked Roast Battle Club, thanks for checking out the podcast. But, yeah, we got a best-of show, you know. Yeah, I'm sure you made a lot of friends in the comments. Oh, yeah, no, I got... Within 45 seconds, Connor had just gone, found everyone who wrote anything negative and told them to suck his tiny dick. I did a pretty gut-wrenching move today, which was I started about 30 online arguments and then boarded an airplane. So I was like, well, let's see where this is at where I land.

Because I'm not paying the eight bucks for Alaska Wi-Fi. I looked at some of them after a few hours and I was just like, wow, this got out of hand. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Taham, if you're listening. Oh, suck my ass yeah yeah no i was just getting my dms all day of just people just like go get them because i was just like the stupidest possible i was just like oh man what happened to dignified comedy i was like how about you suck my dignified ass dick you nerd you told somebody their dead mom was in slut hell. Oh, I did do that one.

Yeah, yeah. That was pretty funny. That was a pretty popular one. Yeah, it was pretty indefensibly evil what you were doing, and it was very fun to watch. Not really. I mean, I just can't relate to someone who goes and comments something like that on a video. My favorite was how many people you would talk to, and then they'd be like, I didn't even watch this. I'm like, how do video uh it is my favorite was how many people like you would talk to them but i didn't even watch this i'm like how do you know it sucked oh yeah i was also like i was i thought

like ah some of these comments will probably bum me out and i just thought it was hilarious shout out to everybody saying connor should have won oh yeah yeah what's up guys uh you guys are the real uh you guys are the real uh bernie bros of the Naked Rose Battle community. Yeah, I agree. I'm going to go cry into the metal in my basement. Oh. Yeah, the heavy metal's in the air because Keith lives in a toxic subterranean prison. I live in an outlaw murder dump. Yeah, yeah. And he still needs to be told he's bad by a bunch of people who are just really just

loitering on a Viacom affiliate's YouTube page. So anyway, yeah. So if you're new to the show, go listen to another episode. But if you're a longtime rock and roller, check out this great show live at the Big Legrowski in Portland. Fucking thing. That was a great crop of Mean Boys fans we had come out. So we went and got pizza with everybody afterwards.

You guys were all super cool. Shout out to Homeboy, who came in from out of town, was staying at a motel and all the Mean Boys couples which are always a favorite of mine. Yeah, big ups to the guy and gal who I was talking to. We were bonding over being Orange County Trash and I found out that I lived in the same trailer park as this. Oh yeah, yeah.

And the guy who brought his girlfriend a t-shirt from our Mesa show when he was the only guy that showed up to Mesa and then it was him and his girlfriend there tonight. I'm so glad he finally got to go to a real show. I know, yeah, me too. And us being angry in Arizona and doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah,

that was pretty cool. Yeah, and shout out to all the, we had some fucking amazing comics on the show. Yeah, everyone on the show ripped it up. Rico Ott, Belinda Carroll

who did stand-up and was our dominatrix. I think the first time we've had a comedian dominatrix before. Yeah, the double up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we had

Jake Silberman who fought with the crowd for most of his set and did pretty great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He really, he really, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make a picture of the John Wick, where there's a bunch of guns that Keanu's had. It's going to be me, arrowed to John Wick, and then YouTube comment section for Naked Rose panel is everybody else.

And Derek Sheen came down from Seattle and fucking murked hard. Oh, yeah. Tore it up. It was hilarious. Yeah, listen to Derek Sheen's albums on Spotify. Buy them on iTunes, presumably. Yeah. If you like this show, you will like Derek Sheen's shit.

Oh, yeah. He came out wearing the Dominatrix uniform. Noriko has a podcast called What's More Metal. There will be a link for that in the show notes. Belinda is the curator of the Portland Queer Comedy Festival and also runs some other shits if you're in the Portland area. Follow her on Facebook. And Jake runs a pretty all right open mic that we went to.

Oh, yeah. And he has a podcast with Shane Brendan. So there will be a link to that in the show notes. Oh, fuck yeah. Because you know what? The Mean Boys believe in building community and giving back to our fellow artists. So, yeah, we copy and paste things. And then you guys don't click on them and we can say we tried.

So suck on that, Internet Gaylords. Yeah. Leave us a review on iTunes. Oh, the Mean Boys are cracking the charts again in the 170s hell yeah that hot 172 spot yeah dude i mean you don't understand how how often i looked at the itunes charts for so many years before i realized that it really has no bearing on fucking anything it does not matter at all which it does not matter it's hilarious we are still excited to be there yeah yeah so uh speaking of which leave us a review When we get to 400 reviews, we'll be doing an interview

with Keith's mother up in Fresno, California. If you don't know why that's a big deal, listen to five seconds of any show and it'll come up. This lady writes,

I'm a 37-year-old single mom, also an accountant and feminist, yet I love Mean Boys. So conundrum. Five stars. So thank you. No one's more surprised than us, but thanks. I don't know.

I mean, the show is for everybody. It's for people that don't like to be condescended to. That's what I think is the demographic. People who don't comment on YouTube videos. Yeah, yeah. And when they tell us we're great. Yeah. No, I don't.

I know. I'm kidding. The guy who'd call me, oh, what the fuck did that guy call me? They called you so much stuff. A weird doughy something or other. It was really good. We'll do a segment where we read through all the comments. Oh, what the fuck did that guy call me? They called you so much stuff. A weird doughy something or other. It was really good. We'll do a segment where we read through all the comments. Oh, yeah.

I got to figure this is the mid-segment on the next episode. Because there were a few that were pretty good. And I always enjoy those, like if you actually get me. But it was just a lot of, I don't know. Yeah, I'll bring up the guy who was clearly closeted gay and is taking that out on us. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fucking which one, dude? There's one real specific one. Okay. Well, yeah, we. That's a pretty fun one. Fucking which one, dude? Yeah, there's one real specific one.

Okay, well, yeah, we're also still on Patreon, trying to keep our pirate ship afloat. Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. Another hour of Mean Boys every single week, an addiction to your six monthly shows. And ten bucks a month gives you a little goodie in the mail every month. Got a damn printer.

We got a bunch of fucking shipping labels. They're being sent out more efficient than ever before. So jump over on there. We got a bunch of other fun tiers for you guys to check out. We're getting close to $2,000 a month here. If we get to $2,000 a month, we do Snark Week 2. Yeah, Snark Week 1 was seven scripted comedy podcasts in seven days with seven bonus episodes.

It will be the same thing. Yeah, culminated in a near mental breakdown for the convoy so uh yeah go fucking uh try to get that try to get that done while it's still hot outside because that'll definitely make it more entertaining you guys are 220 away from ruining our year oh yeah no i mean you can really want i i've had so far the best year of my life you could put a real dent in it and knock it down to third or fourth. If you if you really care about, you know, hurting your the people that entertain you while you feel this weird BDSM relationship we're in with you. Oh, yeah.

I forgot I was going to do the thing where I shout out people that have a very specific job and freak them out in the intro every week while you work at Sam's Club, Ryan. All right, there you go. I don't know if Ryan even still listens, but that happened. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter and subscribe to our YouTube channel where we got all the episodes up in their motherfucking entirety, ladies and gentlemen. Tom Goss just dropped the 10th vlog of the Tom Goss straps a camera to his head and walks around the Mean Boys event series.

This one's in New York. It's pretty amazing. He filmed the least amount of interesting stuff, and yet it is somehow the most compelling piece of art we've ever made. Yeah. Tom has a weird eye for filmmaking, and he's kind of great at it. It becomes like the one serious moment at the end of an episode of The Office where they have the narration over some poignant footage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know why it works, but it really does. Tom works real hard on these things, so come check them out. Yeah, go check those out. He's doing Vegas and Denver soon, and he also films some stuff while we're up in the PNW. And speaking of the road, what do people do if they want us to come to their town and come call them stupid gay lords?

If only there was some sort of Google form. Well, you shut your impotent flaps, you son of a bitch. You go over to GoogleSheets.com slash mean boys. Not the real URL. It's a very convoluted series of letters and numbers. Click the thing in the show notes. Yeah, there's a thing in the show notes. And you tell us the closest, nearest, major metropolitan area

you're willing to drive out to, the number of friends you have, and whether or not we can crash on your couch. And we'll set up a Mean Boys show in your neck of the woods. Yeah, and we don't care. We've gone stupid-ass places. Oh, yeah. We've gone to your stupid place.

If you can get us enough people. Yeah, yeah, and don't lie, because then we'll go and lose money, and that'll be a bummer. Yeah. But, yeah, and I can also tell when you're lying. So, but, yeah, no, definitely go. if you haven't filled that out fill that motherfucker up hop on the email list at meanboyspodcast.com and uh yeah well we just got back from the road we'll

probably just start planning the uh the next fucking run up here and so on and so forth till the end of time so especially if you're in the south ish area yeah uh go fucking fill that bad boy out because we're gonna we going to try to come see you guys before the end of the year. I think other than that, go check out the Naked Roast. We've been talking about all episode. But yeah, I think other than that,

all you got to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the live episode from the Big Legrowski in Portland, gang. Get down on it. awkward intro yeah hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast i'm connor mcspadden i'm keith carey I'm Tom Goss. And Portland is dorm room the city. Yeah. I've been walking the streets of your community just going, where are the adults here?

Yeah, I've not met one grown up the entire time I've been in this city. Yeah, it's kind of like Neverland with not enough crocodiles. I'm digging it. I can't even make fun of Portland because I've never been to such a ridiculous place that is so self-aware about what they're doing. Like, everyone I meet, the first thing, they're like, hey, welcome to Portland. I know, right? What the fuck is going on? Yeah, yeah.

Do you want a pesto latte? What? And they're like, I know, right? We make those. Oh, man. It is good to be here. Yeah. Tom, this motherfucker, how long was your train ride?

28 hours. Yeah, that is like boxcar hobos long was your train ride? 28 hours. Yeah, that is like that. Boxcar hobos are like, buddy, take your bindle. Go steal a pie from a windowsill, man. A dude who offered me a lot of weed on the train told me he tried to jump a boxcar. It didn't work out, so he just

bought a ticket. So that was my company on the train. It was quite... I like that he had the money for the ticket but was like ah this is a savings opportunity you know why he told me he didn't jump the boxcar is he didn't know if it was going north or south and he didn't want to go the wrong direction as a stowaway which is a fair reason you just have like a some weird animal magnetism for other confused people. I feel like if you're jumping a boxcar, you don't really have anywhere to be.

North or south, they're both probably fucking fine. He had to go to Portland. He hopped trains and hitchhiked from Alabama to Portland. Jesus Christ. That really bummed you guys out. Is Alabama that bad or is this place that bad? I like it here. Yeah. Our distance is bad.

It felt like you guys got sad because you knew someone from Alabama was just lurking in the streets out there. Quick straw poll. By round of applause, who knows what the fuck this is? Oh, okay. Wow, I'm surprised. You guys all look so put together and nice. I figured, like, oh, man, I must have really tricked a lot of people with these Reddit ads. Yeah, where are the forehead tattoos?

This isn't our crowd. I love the one guy in the back who kind of looks like our dad, who's like, well, I'm here to support. Yeah, yeah. They like to do their little comedy recital. Yeah, yeah, and he's like, well, I mean, I sure do wish they would have gotten their associate's degrees, but I'm proud that they're doing what they want to. I also like that we asked, most everyone knows what it is, and there's just one clearly girlfriend who got brought with who's like, already fucked this.

Yeah, yeah. This is definitely the classiest bean boy. No one was huffing anything out of a rag outside beforehand. You guys got all your teeth? Like, this is fucking... Yeah, not one person has tried to trade me a knife for admission. This is a very new... I mean, we do accept knife-based barter, you know, ticket prices, but...

This guy kind of looks like Jason Mewes if he went back from the future to close his loop. Oh, man, yeah, a little bit. You kind of are. I feel like you went here for college and you're like, you know what? This is all right. I can just hang here for the rest of my life. When did you leave Alabama to get here? Yeah, it does look like you kind of found Portland Jesus from some sort of southern community.

And you're just like, man, I'd like a cold brew. This is fucking all right. He's the guy who made the fucking rat ass Legowski poster that we fucking use. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucking that was awesome. Was that? the fucking rat ass Legowski poster that we fucking used. Oh yeah. Yeah. Fucking that was how awesome was that. That is the ratio

of how nice that poster was to how mildly sad this event is is staggering. It's like wow this was such a beautiful poster for a show

with 19 ish people. And I'd like to say we are doing a live podcast in Portland in a big Lebowski themed bar. So I think we won it being white. Yeah.

I think this is a hive mind. Yeah, yeah. This place just becomes an Etsy store. Yeah, yeah. For those who can't see the room, which are the people from the future, most of the wall is rugs. I don't know if that's a Portland. Tom is for sure not seeing the movie that this bar is based on. So he's definitely very confused right now.

Tom, have you seen The Big Lebowski? Yes. I just remember there was bowling, and he fucked that old lady who wanted a kid. That's all I remember. She's like 35. She's old now. It's an old movie. Okay.

That would be great if that was what got the show shut down. They're like, we were fine with the insensitive comments towards, you know, whatever community and the BDSM element, but you don't fucking disrespect Lebowski and the big Legralski, you son of a bitch. The fucked up tooth guys in that movie. Me?

Who could you who do you think you're talking about? The fucked up tooth guy? I know who he means, but I want to see if he gets there. Plate tooth. Fucking what's his name? I know less now. Plate tooth? He's got fucking platter teeth.

Steve. Steve. Yes. Steve. Steve Buscemi. There you go. Don't help him. It's not fun when he's right.

Yeah, I mean, of all the characteristics of Steve Buscemi, the teeth is like the fifth thing that's wrong with him. Yeah, he looks like a praying mantis that's about to do your taxes. Yeah. I mean, very much so. He just looks like a mummy that had only been buried for like 20 years. Was Nixon in the movie? I don't understand the theme.

Yes, Richard Nixon had a cameo in Coen Brothers' classic, The Big Lebowski. Everyone remembers the President of the United States doing a scene with Jeff Bridges, Tom. I'll suck your dick for $1,000. Yeah, we had a fun little trip. We did a show in Cle El in Washington. Are you guys familiar?

I was performing in a town that sounds like a racist Girl Scout cookie. Oh, yeah, we're giving her a box of them Cle Elums. Yeah, there were basically nine people from a country club, three of whom were my family. And then us, like, you want to hear about pussy for 45 minutes? No, too fucking bad. Yep, yep, we're already here. I had to rent a car to get there, and they let me pick whatever car I wanted

when I got to the fucking garage, and I rented a Dodge Challenger. And I got to tell you guys, I know this is a Prius town, but you got to rent a Dodge Challenger because it is like driving a boner. It is the most beautiful, just hard cut, just chafing against denim. You are 15 years old again as soon as you get into a job.

I was just like, oh, fuck, I get it. I want a gun and the whole deal now. I got in the Challenger and blacked out, and when I woke up, I wasn't wearing a shirt, and we were listening to Skinner. Yeah. I don't know what a Dodge Challenger is, but it sounds nice. Yeah, it's a car.

It's a thing you drive instead of the train for 30 hours, you psychopath. The Dodge Challenger played Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs, Tom. All right, guys. Well, we opened the show with some news stories from around the internet. We write some topical jokes.

And when we suck, we like to make sure that we have someone to keep us honest. So we'd like to bring to the stage our special guest dominatrix for this evening who's going to be doing some stand-up for us later. The very funny and tantalizing Belinda Carroll is here to beat the show.

Everyone, a round of applause for Belinda Carroll. All right, gentlemen, take your shirts off. Belinda, who we asked to do this and basically was like,

I have a good outfit, sure. And she was not wrong. Yeah, I mean, it is kind of a thing of like, where do you wear this unless you're like volunteering at a

renaissance fair for perverts? Yeah, I got anywhere in Portland. I was like, surprisingly, my life has many opportunities to dress exactly like this. I say you've lived a good life. It's not bad.

I'm watching the women in the front row really regret the ticket purchase. Am I supposed to? Or at the very least, the seating chart. You're the closest that the train smells coming off of Tom. Hey, I showered briefly when I got... How did it work so little?

Okay, here's Tom. Tom shirtless and no hat. Bad. Tom shirtless with a hat. Somehow worse, correct? It's 12% worse with you and a hat. What if I'm Kirk's man? It's like he's either victim on To Catch a Predator. He's either the guy that they're catching or the person showing up with the margarita.

Wow, this is like a 13-year-old is developing very quickly. Yeah, this is about what I looked like at that age. Okay, well, we're going to do some jokes and I'm going to warn you. If you want me to flog you, you have to step forward about three feet. Yeah, yeah. We'll line up like we're doing the... Well, now we know who wants it. Yeah, we'll go up like we're doing a fucked up spelling bee.

That'll be good. Well, I made the terrible mistake of walking up first, and you guys already seem not super into us, so... I don't fucking love my odds here, if I'm being totally honest. A New York woman had a miscarriage in the toilet of an airplane bathroom. Sources are calling it the ninth grossest thing to ever happen on Spirit Airlines. Well, that's pretty lukewarm. Yeah, I'll take a hit for that.

Oh, that was... You can hit him harder than that, yeah. I didn't realize. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of back to get through back there. You're fighting just a parfait of bad decisions here. I mean, you guys can't see it because I'm like, he's back has like neighborhoods.

There it is. All right. Well, that's all fun and games, so it's your turn. All right, guys. A man with an 80-pound ball sack successfully underwent a 12-hour procedure to have it reduced. Surgeon Dice Clay told the man, Jesus, your balls are bigger than a blind

jaywalkers. Oh! Ha ha ha! Oh, you missed my back. Alright. Okay. There we go. Hello. Oh, shit. Okay. These are all Amtrak jokes.

You know what? Here's what I'm enjoying, because it feels like no one in here knew this was going to happen. It's very much the energy. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to the No Refunds Podcast. A man robbed a lemonade stand at gunpoint. He ran off with 75 cents, 40 Dixie cups,

and a half jug of pee with a lemon rind in it. I'm going to hit real hard for that one. You just watched the ripples happen. By the way, Tom, turn around real quick so they can see your amazing back hair. It's so gross. It's so gross. Oh, that looks like we see a piece of toast that kind of looks like Jesus a little bit. It looks like a half-burnt Persian rug.

There's just like patches. It looks like a puberty mustache. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, by the way, Belinda, you borrowed this from a sex store, right? Yeah. But I used to be a Miss Leather back in the day.

And I actually teach flogging. Is Miss Leather like a weird Miss America offshoot? You teach, you taught flogging? Is that like a learning annex? Like, hurt your husband 101. Oh, that's fucking rad. Alright, I'm just trying to kill time so I don't have to tell a joke.

I don't know if you guys could notice. Oh, it's Keith Stern Here's a good survey Is anybody here gay? Alright well this one's not going to work I really needed some gay dudes on board for this A criminal has been using gay dating apps To target robbery victims

The crime spree is being investigated by gay sex police dog Scruff McGruff Can you explain it? The app where you fuck dudes is called Scruff. Oh, I thought it was Growler. Don't correct me like I don't know what Growler is. I didn't get this fat and this horny. There's Grindr and Scruff.

There's Hoagie. There's Fat Tinder. That didn't work. Harder than that. Ah! There it is. Alright, guys. Ah, shit. A deputy

used Narcan to save a police dog exposed to heroin. His quick-thinking heroics are set to be adapted into a new film, Pup Fiction. All right, guys? We're all going to get hit a bunch tonight. My favorite part is how a disappointed junkie poked out from behind the curtain.

Take it out on me. Oh, wow. Thank you for your support, man. Are you even hurting them? Not even close. You're doing my next one. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Thank you, hipster Muppets, for your thoughts. All right. A Tennessee boy pulled himself out of his wheelchair to stand for the national anthem, meaning his crippledness was not as powerful as his racism. I got one! I got one! Amtrak jokes! Amtrak jokes!

I'm so bummed that the word crippledness... It's crippitude. It's crippitude. I know Tom thought about it. Is it cripplation or crippledness? All right. A Canadian man was caught smuggling gold out of the National Mint in his anus. Police knew he was nervous because when they asked questions, he literally shit bricks.

All right. Yeah, he survived. All right, guys. A Pleasantville school principal was arrested for his involvement with a child pornography ring. When confronted, he told police, You got it all wrong. I was just going to use the child pornography ring to propose to my child pornography girlfriend and ask her to be my child pornography wife.

It's pretty... Alright, I'm giving myself a pass on that one. That was... That was... That was entertainingly bad enough. Alright. A man was fired from British Airways for his man bun. Upon further research,

a British man bun is just a bare ass. What? Okay, I'll just get hit. Hurt me. Should we let the lady with the pinions in the front row do it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you want to do it? Yeah, I don't want to do it. Okay, right. All right, all right. Wake me up. The coffee's not doing it. I don't want to have an impression or hurt him. Yeah, I don't know.

You guys really seem... Pain, pain. You guys really seem to have decided that this is a democracy here. My dad has that jacket. The world's biggest... Okay. Thanks for coming to the best Mean Boys ever, you guys. Oh, man.

Fort Wayne's looking pretty good right now. Thanks for coming. All right. Nutella has begun hiring amateur taste testers at their factory. Nutella's CEO describes the job as, quote, like some Willy Wonka shit for the sad fat lady in your office. I think I'm getting hit, right? Yeah, yeah, probably.

All right, get up here. You could just not do it that hard. All right, fine. Okay. You could just not do it that hard. All right, fine. No, it's her dog. Look at the outfit. Okay. I didn't know it was coming. Ow.

Oh, hell yeah. There we go. I think you just popped a skin tag, lady. That was hardcore. Christ, I feel pregnant. Yeah. I also like how you're like, oh, I don't have the outfit. Like, someone's gonna bust in and write you a BDSM ticket. Oh, this is the Portland

Sex Police. You're not properly bondaged enough to hurt that fat man in front of those 30 people. Yeah, that's true. That's another 40 bucks on the ticket. I mean, you're speeding. It's a construction zone. Alright, guys. The Argentinian Senate rejected a bill that would legalize

abortion. For the time being, women in Argentina will have to continue getting abortions in whatever Argentina's version of Mexico is. I liked it, but they didn't seem to. Okay. Alright, just do it good. Yeah, give me...

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. Okay, yeah, that's good. Okay. Amtrak jokes. People are upset at Jack in the Box for being overtly sex... I'm going to take that again. People are upset at Jack in the Box's

overtly sexual teriyaki bowl commercial. They're mad at a company called Jack in the Box for being too sexual. That's like going to Lowe's and being mad your cashier's a midget. What, you jackass?

The big swing, big... The road you took to that punchline was longer than your Amtrak journey. Do you understand? No, and then just to like... Yeah, running start. Oh, yeah. Hole.

You need to do this all the time. You're not beating male comics, and I don't like your joke. Yeah, yeah. Great idea. We're trying to give back to the time. Stop eating male comics when I don't like your show. Yeah, yeah. We're trying to give back to the community. All right. Look, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, Portland.

But I think this one's going to get you back on my side. Cool, man. The Proud Boys held a rally in this great city last week. We don't want these shitty white people in goofy outfits ruining Portland, exclaimed a different group of shitty white people in goofy outfits ruining Portland. Damn. Old Claptor Carey saved himself again. All right, guys.

An English man is facing jail time for downloading pictures of people fucking snakes. The pedophiles in Cell Block C are finally excited to have someone they can bully. Okay. Which end of the snake do you fuck? I think, I gotta figure you put the snake in your butt. That's, I mean...

But then the snake's fucking you. Well, yeah, I mean, getting the blowjob from a snake, it seems like you gotta de-tooth the snake, and, I mean, I imagine someone that's gonna fuck a snake would probably be okay with doing something that mean to a snake. But it just seems like, you know. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, yeah. There's no way no one here owns a snake.

We can do some recon on this after the show. It also depends on how big the snake is. Like, Garter, that would just be, that would kill the animal. Guys, this is how we're going to win him back. All right. I close it strong, buddy. Chat. Okay, Amtrak jokes.

The first all-female Saudi Arabian Harley Davidson road trip is being planned. Their tagline, five women, four days, three cities, two wheels, one dream, no clits. Oh, shit. Four days, three cities, two wheels, one dream, no clits. I'm just amazed that you kept all the numbers straight. Five, four, seven, purple. Steve Buscemi. That's it for the Mexican Joke Off. One more time for Belinda Carroll for keeping us honest. She'll be back in a second to tell some jokes.

And we are going to bring up, we got some of our favorite local comics coming up. They're going to tell you some jokes, and then we're going to do some of our favorite segments from the podcast. This one's got coming up.

Oh, man, we had so much fun doing some of the gateway shows up in Seattle with them. This guy's a fucking murderer. He's got a podcast called What's More Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise right now

for Noriko Ott. Noriko Ott, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. We're going to play one of our favorite games with Noriko, guys. It's time for Porn Comment or Yelp Review. Oh, nice. As always on the Mean Boys Podcast, the name of the game is the rules of the game.

Yeah, I'm going to read some insane shit people wrote on the internet. You have to tell me if this is a comment left on a Pornhub video or a Yelp review of something here in Portland. These are all local establishments that we found the Yelp reviews. Some of these are harder than you think. So let's start with number one. Triple chocolate penetration

is my favorite. This is for sure a bakery that Belinda works at, I feel like. Triple chocolate penetration. That's got to be a Yelp review. We have a very specific naming convention in this town, and I definitely feel like that could be either or. I'm going to go Pornhub.

It's not Portland Porn, too. Is it only – I can neither confirm nor deny whether that was searched. Is it all just like flannel? Look, I'll say – yeah, I looked up Portland Porn, and I thought it was going to be pretty funny and quirky. It's just sad. It's just ladies in Portland having a real rough time of things. Just like, oh, man, this librarian is getting finger popped to glycerine.

This is no fun for anybody. I just pictured Belinda working somewhere called the Sex Positive Croissantary. Well, we have an episode title, guys. You can see someone get a facial right next to their three-string ukulele, and you're like, oh. It's like the glazing machine at Dunkin' Donuts with a lady. Yeah, yeah. Or a dude. All right, so we got Pornhub from Noriko.

You're saying Yelp, Tom. Ah, man, I'm torn. That's what the guy in the porn video said. Am I right, guys? Come on. It could be porn, or it could be like donuts. Yes, that's how the game works. Or it could be something else.

It's the concept of your job for the past two years. It could be a porn thing. You figured out the thrust of the entire exercise, bud. No, I get it now. I'm just, yeah. You know what? I'm going to say it's, I'm going to say pastry-related penetration. I'm going to go Yelp.

You're absolutely correct. That is a Yelp review of Voodoo Donut. Hey. You taught my logic, and yet I'm correct. Yes. Shut up, idiot. Number two, quote, For the love of God, wash your hands when you're done.

Ooh, shit. Ooh. This one feels like a switcheroo. I got to figure this is a porn comment. This is someone getting fucked in a Chipotle bathroom. This is like some homemade stuff. They don't make soap strong enough to wash whatever comes out of that. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's not going to be soap in that dispenser. Am I right, guys? The Chipotle bathroom servicing is just... They're always behind. Who's with me? Connor, they hate you right now. Keep going. They love it.

They've hated me since I got... They saw my joggers and they're like, well, we've written him off entirely. I belong, right? Okay, never mind. You belong back on the train, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you look like you couldn't figure out how to find the bus after the Proud Boys rally.

And you're like, ah. I'll just start podcasting. I guess I live here now. Hey, the bus people were very comfortable with ye. Did I say ye? They were comfortable. Tom. As a human being, they enjoyed me.

The people on the train got my vibe. That's not a great sign. No. If you feel accepted by the long-distance Amtrak community. They all started telling me about their prison sentences. Everyone I talked to had just gotten out of prison except me. What was the question? For the love of God, wash your hands when you're done.

Porn or yell. Okay, well, I ate at a place called Lines or something like that. What? Tom. Where did I get the sandwich? Here's what's amazing. Tom is sober. You ate at Lardo. Lardo had messy ass sandwiches.

I think, I'm going to say it's from Lardo. My favorite thing is you interject not during the sodomy discussion, you're just like, Lardo's bullshit. But you left Voodoo Donuts un-fucking-scathed. You're just like... That's a hard word to say. You heard him here, fuck a Voodoo Donuts.

I've had one piece of food since getting here, messy hands, zero sexual experiences, so I don't know what that's like. I've had one piece of food since getting here. Messy hands, zero sexual experiences, so I don't know what that's like. I think it's a sandwich. I just can't believe this man who got just clocked out of his shift at the warehouse is so opinionated about food options. Because I'm a butcher.

Not of meat, just of humans. Because we're good. Yeah, just of transients. I will say, for the love of God, please wash your hands. Sounds incredibly Portland porn related. That sounds exactly on brand for us. But I will say that is Pornhub. It's a Pornhub comment, and it is also donut related.

That is from a video called, quote, Real Dunkin' Donuts Couple Fuckin' in the Drive-Thru. Fuckin' in the drive-thru. Fucking in the drive-thru. Oh, man, that's the worst TLC reality show is real couples of Dunkin' Donuts. A Dunkin' Dickin'. Well, it's just like these people having very awkward, non-photogenic sex while somebody is clearly taking orders in the Dunkin' Donuts. Are they just ignoring the obvious fact that they're fucking? Yeah, and these people don't seem to work there.

Oh, my God. When I lived in Brooklyn, it was all East... Wait, you lived in Brooklyn? No way. When it was all East Indian, people that worked at Dunkin' Donuts, and it was like a thing. So I just picture a very nice old man just being like, what the fuck? Okay,

seven more minutes, and then I'll say something. Number three, quote, she was so busy trying to figure out if she could, she never stopped to think if she should. Oh, man, this is some kind of like insertion challenge. This has got to be like. I think the insertion's pizza. I think it's a food challenge.

Oh, man. Yeah, I mean, this is. You're like, a whole Emmy. I mean, I don't know if this is sexist, but I feel like gals don't generally go for the if you eat this thing, you get a free T-shirt kind of scenario that much. So this is probably something going in a butt. I'm saying porn. They don't get dicked for a free T-shirt either. That goes both ways.

I don't think that's a contest anyway. Oh, okay. Is it? Because I'm down. I mean, yeah, Keith is pouring by. So, I mean. Yeah, don't blow it for dude, for a good shirt. Well, what kind of shirt?

What kind of dick? I don't know. I've done two blazing challenges both times. They didn't give me my fucking shirt. And that was the main reason I did it, is I was running out of shirts. Oh, yeah, Tom had the saddest fucking folk hero experience, where he had no clothes and no money for food, so he had to destroy his body with hot wings.

And then each time they're just like, yeah, we can give you like a coupon. No one actually ever does this because people respect themselves. So you're sort of shit out of luck here, Gus. Three wings, though. I think it's a food challenge. Okay. We got porn. We got food challenge.

Let's go food. I'm going to go food, too. But I think the food challenge was in the porno. I'm going to say it's a porn comment we got food challenge. Let's go food. I'm going to go food, too. But I think the food challenge was in the porno. I'm going to say it's a porn comment of a food challenge. Interesting. You're wrong. That's a porn comment. Yes.

Yeah. For Jurassic Girl, nature finds a way into my panties. Hold on, I got to write it down. Oh, man. I hope that, you know those videos where people put on the dinosaur costumes? We're going to go to Walmart with 20 dinosaurs. I hope it's a 20 inflatable dinosaur gang bang. No, it's just one lady and an ungodly dildo.

Oh, okay. It's one of those lays eggs in you things. Who's that for? It's for that lady, apparently. Was this like a home video porno? You're all vegan? Is that the problem? You just hate eggs?

I'm pretty sure these are like farm to bubble. Number four, quote, this is how Three range dildos is for sure

a business here. Oh, yeah. Number four, quote, this is how a public hepatitis outbreak starts. Oh.

This is a Yelp review, I think. This is a Yelp review, I think. This is a Yelp review about someone not properly Windexing a sex implement, I think. I know. I was exaggerating cleaning products for comedic

effect. Do you guys have a lot of... Is this a big heroin area? Yeah? Oh, man. Oh, cool. I'm going Yelp. I'm going Yelp. I think it's like a Is this a big heroin area? Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, cool. Yeah, but I'm going Yelp. I'm going Yelp. I think it's like a Burger King.

They got some loose needles just kind of in the fries. And I'm going to go. Yeah, they're cheaper than putting the balls in the ball pit. I like when Tom asked that question. I just saw everyone's eyes just like glass. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. My friend Kevin from high school. Rest in peace.

All right. So we got to Yelp. We got to Y over. I'm like, oh yeah, that's right. My friend Kevin from high school. Rest in peace. All right, so we got a Yelp. We got a Yelp. I'm going to go food. I'm going to say it's probably like somebody oysters related, and they were fucking them. Okay, that is a Yelp review of the Portland streetcar. Okay. What is that?

Like the bus thing. Why is it? Okay. Because it's a car in the street. Yeah, but it's not called that. It's like an Amtrak for shorter distances. Is it like one of the Mr. Rogers trolley things? I mean, I guess.

Yes, thank you. Wait, is it full of puppets? Because if not, I don't trust it. Yes, we're puppeteers. Part-time puppeteers. I got two more. All right. Quote, DMX would be disgusted by all of this.

I don't know what this is for, but I am going or watching this. I mean, having a cursory familiarity with DMX's thoughts on the LGBTQ community, I got to figure this is a video of two guys making eye contact or something. I want there to be a DMX- restaurant called Excon Servit to you. Oh, Jesus Christ. We're the food, we're the food, we're the food,

we're the food at... Stop, drop, shut them down, open up taco shop. Plop, scoop, roll it up, here's the burrito. I don't know,

I got lazy on that one. There's no more DMX references I'm allowed to say. Yeah, he has a lot of words that, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to rewind. DMX is not known for his Portland-friendly vernacular. Yeah, it's a taco shop DMX.

Oh, shit. Yes. Yeah. Okay, given that we have about seven black people in the whole city, I'm going to say it's probably not a Portland Yelp thing. It's probably porn. Yeah, I'm going to say porn. Are you odd?

Yes, there's way more. We have very few people of color in this whole town. I don't know the city, but I believe in your diversity. I'm going to go food. Oh, you guys didn't like that. Okay, all right. No, he was right. We just don't talk about it.

And unfortunately, they're correct. That is a porn review. Of course it is. Here is the name of this pornographic film. I swear to God. My cousin wants to eat my girlfriend's pussy, so I eat his ass. No homo.

Like, bro, the gay shit is not the issue here. What is the weird gift of the Magi scenario happening there? She's like, I wanted to eat your pussy. You're like, well, I wanted to eat your ass. Well, no, no, we can't use either of these things. Well, she's like, you could have just wanted to eat her pussy while you did nothing. Like, that would have been fine. No, yeah.

She's like, well, I got to get to work down there. Oh, man. Was this a pill? Somebody just asked very confused, why did I search that in the first place? No, I'm kidding. Shut up. Have you guys, round of applause if you've heard the story about Keith and the dog.

Everybody be quiet. Oh, damn it. One time I dated a... Oh, okay. I dated a lady who liked bestiality porn. Alright, that's it. Sorry, Keith. Alright, last one. Quote, that is a subpar sausage. Damn it.

This is a Yelp review left by Hank Hill. That is a subpar sausage. Oh, fuck. There was a guy who sounded like Boomhauer sitting behind me on the train. That's the least surprising thing I've ever heard. And there was an autistic kid across from him and when they went, what? I just took a turn. And when they were both upset

about the train being late, I could not tell them apart. Tom, here's the thing about, you're telling stories about all the crazy people on the train. All of the crazy people on the train are like, oh my god, and there's this guy with this weird heavy metal knife shirt. I mean, he had a shaved head. He was terrifying.

Kept screaming about not getting free shirts after eating chicken wing challenges. He just kept shaking and trying to hide his vape smoke. All right, yeah, I'm going to say that's a porn comment. Oh, subpar sausage? Yeah. You guys both said Yelp? Noriko is not trying to. I'm going to go Yelp. I'm going to go? Yeah. You guys both said Yelp? I'm gonna

go Yelp. I'm gonna go porn against the grain. Like that sausage. That is a Yelp review of the Big Legrowski. Sorry, guys. Thanks for letting us use your room. Do you have sausages here? Apparently. I'm gonna go find one more time for Noriko.

Hey, guys. Noriko, hi. Check out his podcast. What's that podcast called? What's more time for Noriko. Hey, guys. Noriko, ladies and gentlemen. Check out his podcast. What's that podcast called? What's More Metal. What's More Metal, everybody. All right. We got some more great comedians for you. We got some more dumb games.

Yeah, yeah. Are you guys having a good fucking time? Next comic coming to the stage, really funny guy. Make it loud for Jake Silverman. Jake Silverman, everybody. One more time for Jake Silverman, everybody.man, everybody. One more time for Jake Silverman, everybody. Oh, man. Can I have that?

I have my shit written down here. Straight up doing battle with the audience. Usually they're a little friendlier, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they reacted like you were asking who they voted for or something. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of people voted for Trump here.

Yeah. No, not even that. I mean, just like comedy show, like question, like family feud answer number one is like, who's fucking? You guys are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you, a cop, dude? Come on.

I love that most of the responses were, we're going to respond but not answer anything. Yeah, you guys were like cryptic, like the FBI was trying to get information about your cum. Yeah. You guys were like cryptic like the FBI was trying to get information about your cum. Yeah. You guys are like, let's just say

I've had sex before. And I plan to again. All right. With Jake, we're going to do one of our favorite segments. This is New Names where we take something

and we give it a name we feel like is maybe a little bit more appropriate. I'll take us away. Getting your dick sucked by a retarded football player will now be called getting radiohead.

Damn. All right, I am not prepared for what... Holy shit. He gave me some very lighter examples of this. Okay, yeah. One of them was like farts, ghost poops. That was also Connor. I know, but I'm just saying,

that was the examples that I was writing this off of. I also remember children's hospitals are called the peekaboo ICU. That's fair. Still not radio retard shit, but okay. I didn't know Connor was coming out guns. That was like, god damn, alright. You guys are making me feel weird.

No, no, that's better. I just feel like mine are going to be way wackier now. That's fine, you can do whatever you want it to be. I got a wacky one. New name for watermelons, zesty basketballs. That's wrong in every conceivable way. What do you think zestiness is? Fruity?

No. Is this watermelon full of cilantro, you coon? Spicy. I thought it meant fruity. I mean, maybe if you put tajin on it or something. I've only heard oranges being described as zesty. No, that's the zest. Then you're talking to people that don't know shit about oranges, my friend.

That's the zest. That's the peel. It's like a physical part of the orange. Yeah. Yeah. It's not the quality. You mean the rind? Yeah, the rind.

They turn it into like an orange zest. Tom, you're 25 years old. My favorite thing in the world is just watching Tom's face when he has to process new information. Yeah, yeah. So zest is the rind. Yeah, like orange zest and like a cocktail or something. There is a D? Yes.

Yeah, there's a D in the word rind, Tom. I thought it was rind. It's where the duh sound comes from. I thought it was. As in duh, you idiot. It's called a rind. I thought it ended with an E was rind, Tom. I thought it was rind. It's where the duh sound comes from. I thought it was... As in, duh, you idiot. It's called a rind. I thought it ended with an E. Rind. It doesn't.

Uh-oh. For the love of God, someone do another one. New name for condoms. Dream catchers. Hey! Hell yeah. There we go. There it is.

Fuck yeah, dude. And you were worried. You coy bitch. New name for living in your mom's basement, Air D&D. Beautiful. I like it. New name for getting your dick sucked by a classic car,

getting some chrome dome. I'm sensing a theme. Are you getting mad at me for kink-shaming people that fuck cars? I think it's fine. Okay, kink-shame. New name for anal prolapse, butt somersaults. Butt somersaults, everybody.

Okay, new name for treehouse, pedophile's treasure chest. Oh, shit. You'd be happy if you came across that You know Just a pedophile out of the branch And cuts the rope ladder I imagine you climb up the little rope ladder And it makes the Zelda sound

When you go Four eight year olds Yeah Alright New name for gays roasting each other The Dallas Friars Club Keith is a gay roaster Okay That's good That's solid Yeah yeah That's his whole deal Gays roasting each other at the Dallas Friars Club. Keith is a gay roaster, okay?

Yeah, that's good. That's solid. Yeah, yeah, that's his whole deal. That's like the two main things about him. Well, we know the first main thing about him. Fat. All right, new name for getting your dick sucked by his character from Star Fox. Getting some slippy toppy.

Oh, these just keep getting worse. What is Star Fox? The Super Smash Bros? Yeah, yeah. The other two are about getting your dick stabbed. I wrote other ones, and I thought, this might be fun. Maybe I'll go find those. All right. New name for trees.

Length bushes. All right. Okay. I'll go back to 30. Length bushes. Yeah. Okay. New name for back to 30. Length bushes. Yeah. Okay. New name for burka.

Wearable drapes. All right. All right. All right. We got a lot of dick sucking one. New name for eating pussy in the morning. Egg McMuff diving. That's good, though.

I mean, it's perfect. There's eggs in there. It's a muff. I mean, that's really... eggs in there It's buff I mean You can only eat her out Until 11.30 though Yeah yeah Or else they're a real dick

About it We put all the pussy Under the counter You gotta get a pussy burger now I don't know It's not a perfect metaphor You guys Comes with Gash Browns though

Oh shit You're a butcher You kill for a living Yeah yeah You come home Covered in blood Making twelve dollars an hour You gotta be okay

With Gash Browns here Alright guys Well since you didn't like All the getting your dick sucked By XYZ motif New name for raisins Grape mummies That's fun right

That's good Yeah that's a cute one This man started to heckle And then his sweet girlfriend just handed him a beer like a baby's bottle. Keep drinking. I mean, that's going to make it better. Drink your juice, Shelby. That'll make it better. Shelby, too, which is cool.

Yeah, yeah. I know a Shelby. Cool is a stretch. Okay. Oh, okay. It is now. All right. New name for taking a dump. It is now. Alright.

New name for taking a dump? Log laundry? No. Ben, I'm... Started well, ended not well. New name for toilet paper? Tree holocaust ass wipes. Because you had to genocide a forest for it. It sounds like if you translated toilet paper, tree holocaust ass wipes. Because you had to genocide a forest for it.

That sounds like if you translated toilet paper to Japanese and then back to English. No, that sounds like what the Happy Tree Friends is called in Korea. Now that you're thinking

of lunch. All right. Oh, shut up. All right. That's not even a stereotype that they eat squirrels. Look, I was reaching, man. Yeah, yeah.

I was doing butt somersaults. I was stretching. All right. New name for Portland, Drunker Austin. I like how this we've gone to. I just told you a joke I read on the back of a Laffy Taffy Reactions. All right. New name for the gym, Curves.

The Thickness Protection Program. Okay. New name for getting your dick sucked by Mark Maron A glow job He's on the show Glow There it is Alright, this is the last one, right? Yes Ah, shit Okay, this one

Ghosts who are overly sexually confident Boo cockies Damn it Okay, this one. Ghosts who are overly sexually confident. Boo cockies. Damn it. Okay, I thought that was going to win you guys back. Just regular boo. Okay, well, let's see if this ripcord saves us from plummeting into the ground. New name for getting your dick sucked by a chihuahua.

Taco Bell-atio. That's a great one to end it on. Yeah, that was new names, everybody. One more time for Jake Silverman, everybody. Jake Silverman. We're going to keep the show rocking and rolling. We've got some more comics for you. The next guy coming up to the stage,

you might recognize her from hurting us earlier. Very, very funny. Everyone, please make a real loud right now for Belinda Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. Belinda Carroll. Thank you. One more time for Derek Sheen and his tiny dick, everybody. I can't bend over to get that or I'll crack all my ribs. For the listening audience at home, Derek is wearing the dominatrix's corset,

and I'm going to be honest, kind of looks better here. Yeah. It looked great on Belinda, but your tits look amazing, bro. I'm 77 Pacino and cruising right now. Dude. I just met you. You rock so hard, man. I'm so afraid I'm going to crack all my ribs

if I laugh too hard. They're all going to snap. Man, if this fucking show ends with Derek going to the hospital and us not even giving him a drink ticket. Oh, yeah. If we have to cut that off of him. If you get the jaws of life to free you from your bondage gear.

What's worse if they just don't? Yeah, a paramedic just walks in and is like, let him die. A doctor walks in and sees me and goes, oh, man, that is really squeezed in there. There's no curing that. You deserve it. The horny tub of biscuit dough. Can I get a scalpel and a shot of Jack? This is going to be a long night. We got one more game to play tonight before we get out of here. It'sny tub of biscuit dough. Yeah, can I get a scalpel and a shot of Jack? This is going to be a long night.

We got one more game to play tonight before we get out of here. This is one of our favorite games. This game is called Price Check. And basically the way that one sad world. Yeah. Where are my Price Check fans at? Basically, I'm going to give you two random items, experiences, something like that. You have to tell me which one costs more.

Very simple concept. First one, you talked about tell me which one costs more. Very simple concept. First one, you talked about the Proud Boy Rally. So this is clothing for Proud Boys. Which one costs more, a Fred Perry polo shirt or a 72-pack of adult diapers for men? Who is Fred Perry? Did someone say that at the same time as me? It's the polo shirts with the...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This proud mom gets it. I like how you said that like, duh. I do just picture all the Proud Boys getting out of a minivan while someone named Carol is like, I'll pick you up at lunchtime. By the way, poor Fred Perry. Oh, yeah. I don't think he ever was like, I designed this awesome looking polo.

And then he's like, fucking God damn it. I was doing some research. He put out a statement where he's just like, I just like soccer. I swear to god, this is the summer I got really into polo shirts. And then I was watching the news. I'm like, oh, fuck. I know. This is the first time you can have a shaved head.

It has nothing to do with the Nazis. Thanks to all the nice clothing. I don't think anybody looks at you and is totally sure you're not a Nazi. Everyone just tries to sell me drugs. All races. Nazis hate drugs sure you're not a Nazi. Everyone just tries to sell me drugs. All races. Nazis hate drugs. Yeah, yeah. A black guy just tried to sell me cocaine like eight minutes ago.

Yeah, he's trying to kill you because you're a Nazi. Yeah, yeah. He's trying to use it to ruin your community. He's taking back the night. A little reverse Reaganomics. Grassroots organizing, guys. Shrinkle up, motherfucker. If you want to join the DSA, we have clipboards right over here.

I'm going to say that it is the adult diapers. I feel like those are deceptively expensive. Okay. Who made this shirt again? Fred Durst or something? What the fuck? Yes, a Fred Durst polo shirt. Yeah, one of one.

I don't... You know... Damn it. I'm going to go the shirt. Yeah, one of one. I don't, you know, damn it. I'm going to go the shirt. Okay. Because that seems like a thing everyone knows about. And diapers, everyone gets those. Poor people get diapers.

Everybody, diapers, everyone gets those. I mean, at an age range. Not, you know. Yeah, okay. Watching is bad. Derek, your thoughts? Taking a lot of long drives. Used a lot of adult diapers.

I don't doubt that for half a second. Real expensive. I'm going to go with diapers on this one. Oh, really? 72-pack. Yeah, yeah. The Fred Perry polo shirt, $75. The 72-pack of adult diapers, $37.50.

Oh, man. I love that as soon as he said the price, you were like, I lost. I lost. Why am I not doing that horny baby shit? That's so much more affordable than renting a dominatrix. All right, number two, which costs more? The cost of reaching OT8, the top level of Scientology, or the opening weekend gross of the John Travolta film Gotti? What's Gotti about?

It's about John Gotti. Who do you think that is? Sounds like a cottage cheese. I don't think that's what it is. Is he also in the polo shirt business? I got to figure it's OTA because I know Gotti was really bad. That's my hot take on that one, guys. Yeah, I heard that movie was bad.

It's the other one. Well, I've never heard of this movie, so I got to go OT8. OT, like, they, or whatever the fuck it is, the Scientology money guy. That's what I like. I like that if I just let you spin, the wheels fall off of your train of thought, and it just skids into a school. Yeah, I got to go with the science place tom watching you watching you try to answer a yes or no question it's like watching spider-man try to stop the train it just how is he gonna pull it off with scientology yes i actually went to scientology school in

sharon oregon oh shit so i'm gonna say not on my choice. It wasn't my choice. My mom thought I loved sci-fi that much that she was like, go here. So fuck space camp. We're getting raw. It's a real thing. Real thing. Level one was like almost $2,500 back then. So I'm going to say level eight is going to cost a shit ton of money. You probably have to take it alone.

Yeah. Level eight, $291,000. Opening gross of Gotti, $1.7 million. Scientology. If we all pooled our money, one of us could become Xenu. One of us could learn everything that South Park already told us in 2009.

L. Ron Humbert died three times while I was at that school. He's coming back and going again. He just kept, he was like, hey, who still loves me? Man, do fucking mean people just hang on longer, you know? Nice grandmas go out 72. That mean bitch is fucking shitting their pants while under a 90s racket of medical bills.

All right, number three, a wool vest made by Gucci or a suicide vest made by ISIS? And yes, that data exists. Don't get mad at me. I didn't do it. Wait, they're both priceless. They're both priceless. Okay. Let me think.

Okay, so fertilizer, Velcro, a bunch of 9-volt batteries probably. I got to figure suicide vests are upsettingly cheap, so I'm going to say the other one. Yeah. I gotta figure suicide vests are upsettingly cheap So I'm gonna say the other one Yeah, I mean ISIS was affected with those Before they had money They know how to I like ISIS's early stuff better Yeah, they know how to

ISIS was rich for a minute ISIS was like the Bernie Sanders of terrorism They just figured it out Yeah Where did they go? They just fucking disappeared. I know. What are they watching?

Beer and Fox News now? Where the fuck did they go? If you look at the quality of the show and the fall of ISIS, it's just like Mean Boys got so much less funny when there wasn't ISIS news every week. Because for a while, the good years, it was just like, well, the beheadings, these wacky inventions. And we're like, this is never going to end. It felt like the dot-com boom.

And now we're like, oh, shit. I hope some kids drink something they weren't supposed to this week. We've got to write this fucking episode. It's funny because it's true. What were the options? ISIS vest or Gucci vest? I don't Gucci. You fat goldfish. What were the options? ISIS vest or Gucci vest? Tom, you fucking... I know Gucci...

You fat goldfish. I know Gucci's like an expensive thing. I'm going to go Gucci. That's good work there, Tom. I mean, I've never seen Jay-Z wearing a suicide vest. So I'm going to go ahead and say it's the Gucci vest. You're watching his sound. A wool vest by Gucci, $815.

An ISIS suicide vest, $1,200. Whoa. What the fuck? Damn. Yeah. That's like a flat screen and a half. That's a... We're flat screen.

That's the only unit of money you understand. This is why I know capitalism is poised in my mind. I was like, I bet I could make one for like $700. I bet Gucci's pissed. Yeah. Dude, that would be great if Gucci started like doing designer terrorism clothes. You know, where they're just like, check out

the new box cutter accessories that we've been rolling out. Make a statement. Yeah. And that statement is death to America for $1,500. Number four, three months of gay conversion therapy or a VIP package to see Cher in Las Vegas. Wait, a three-month package?

No, three months of gay conversion treatment. Oh, oh. Front row tickets for one night, Cher in Vegas. So that's what you were doing when I saw your desktop was open to alt-right Groupon. She alt-right? What? No, I mean just gay conversion therapy. Oh, oh, oh.

It was cool, man. Oh, shit. Okay, I'm going to... I got to pick Cher. People... I feel like there's only two Cher songs, but people love her. So I'm going to say Cher. Okay.

Is gay conversion therapy... Wait, I'm really excited to see where this is going, Tom. I am on the edge of my seat. What do you think gay conversion therapy is? Everybody let Tom happen right now. Is it covered by insurance? Because I bet in some states it is. And it's someone who is, they tried to shock my brain,

not for gay reasons, for crazy reasons. Wouldn't it be funny if they tried to fix you for being crazy and they're like, well, he's not bipolar anymore, but he's a total queen. Yeah, we shocked him gay, and he still can't explain anything without taking 20 minutes. Why could you be gay?

Could you imagine how bad my memory would be if they actually did that shit? I don't know what's more annoying, that you asked that question or that I actually researched it because of who you asked me. And this particular gay conversion not covered by insurance.

Not covered by insurance. By the way, the movie where they convert them to gay people, would that movie be called One Flew Over the Gucci Vest? Damn. I'm here all week. Half Court Sheen. Yes, Sheen. Okay.

And what state is... Okay, so it's a process by which you make gay people run on used vegetable oil. Am I warm? Am I close? It's in Maryland, Tom. Maryland? Oh, that's a money place. I have to really get in front of these fucking questions. Yeah, Tom, like you fucking know about Maryland's tax situation. If you'd like, I can explain to you what gay means.

No, I know what gay means. Look to your left. You get it. Yeah. I like the wave. All right, thoughts. Yeah, just be wrong already. Maryland. Okay, I'm doing some math.

No, you're not. Okay. What was the one that wasn't gay conversion therapy? You guys are fucking awesome. I loved it so much. We're having a great time. Right row tickets to share. Okay, share. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to go. Tom, pick one, you fucking moron. Therapy. Therapy. You don't win anything if you're right. I'm just trying. I want to be on the right side of the quiz, okay? You're not on the right side of anything.

I want Cher to be more anything I want Cher to be more I want Cher to be less expensive Okay Three months of gay conversion therapy 1680 VIP front row tickets to see Cher 1238 Oh thank god

It's about 400 bucks cheaper A lot more fun I know what we're doing with next month's Patreon money guys That means 16 gay kids can go see Cher Yeah Oh that makes me happy Okay good Alright we got one more And then we have our bonus round.

So the last one of the normal one. Who has the higher net worth, Alex Jones or Smash Mouth singer Steve Harwell? Ooh, man. A very confident decree of Smash Mouth from the front row. Like, you know how Voldemort and Harry Potter have the same wand core? That's kind of how I feel about these two guys. The Juggalos are just Smash Mouth with makeup, right. That's kind of how I feel about these two guys. The Juggalos are just Smash Mouth with makeup, right?

That's kind of what they are? Sure. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, you're not totally wrong. Alex Jones has got a divorce. He's got the Chobani lawsuit. I gotta figure something out. Wait, what?

He has a Chobani lawsuit? Yeah, the yogurt got mad at him because he said that it made you gay or black or something. I don't remember the details or whatever. He made some outlandish claims about yogurt.

He got mad enough. Yogurt sued him and won, so he did something. And it was just specific yogurt. It wasn't just all yogurt. It was Chobani. He went after fucking Chobani. Not Yoplait. It's one of the good ones. Chobani's probably my favorite yogurt if I'm being honest.

Well, I think he might have had a point there. Yeah. So I'm going to say it's definitely Steve Harwell because, I mean, it's fucking All-Star. I mean, All-Star is circled back around to being ironic, so he's getting all the irony residuals. So I think he's definitely doing all right right now. And he lives cheap. He just needs boardored shorts And terrible hats And he's happy

You know He buys Like three shitty Cadillacs a year And then he's fucking He's golden Now is the best time To be Alex Jones

With all the shit I mean There's no good time They just got banned From like everything Just like three days ago Right A week ago

Seems like a pretty great time Yeah yeah Yeah but Trump Will pardon him or something I don't Trump can't Trump can't pardon you From iTunes Tom You wanna bet A week ago seems like a pretty great time. Yeah, but Trump will pardon him or something. Trump can't pardon you from iTunes, Tom. You want to bet? I bet he'll fucking do it.

He's all about excusing people that do terrible things. Yeah, did that executive order that made my law on Twitter again? Yeah, I'm going to go, not Rush Limbaugh, Jones. I'm going to go Jones. All right, we got Alex Jones, we got Steve Harwell. I got to go with Harwell. All right. Him and his fucking Guy Fieri line of clothing. Oh, yeah.

They're the same guy. Steve Harwell is worth $5 million. Alex Jones is also worth $5 million. Oh, man. We all won. And we all lost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, and last one.

This is the bonus round. We've never done this one before, but I am putting together a vacation package, and you guys have to guess how much this vacation is worth. Okay, all right. Are you ready? So here are the components. You might be able to figure out where this is going.

Round-trip airfare from New York to Russia, a suite at the Ritz-Carlton Moscow, one hour with two Russian prostitutes, a 4K Sony Handycam, and the cost of steam cleaning urine out of a mattress. Oh, is that Tom Hanks film?

Yes. What just happened? What? What just happened? Yeah, it was Trees in Delphia. I just threw you a soft pitch. You live in America. Surely you know of what I speak. And you're like, hmm, yes, I'm about to be fucking retarded. Like a man who lives in the woods understands that bit.

And then Tom was like, ah, yes, I see. Like the movie Punchline. So what do you guys think is the overall cost of this treasonous vacation? Oh, that's going to be, that vacation? That's like $9,000 is what I'm going to say. That's a good guess. It is a good guess? It's a guess.

Yeah, yeah. Because I was going to go way higher. Tom, don't let anyone else influence you. I want to know what you think money is worth. And he doesn't get a discount, this dude. No, no, this is all anyone else influence you. I want to know what you think money is worth. And he doesn't get a discount, this dude. No, no, this is all full price. Okay.

At one hour. One hour. I don't know, how long does it take for a lady to pee on some shit? Yeah, they're not coming in completely dehydrated. You get the free water at the mini bar in the Ritz Carlton. What if she accidentally went right before she came in the hotel room? She's like, oh, shit. I got to feel like that's in the rider. Yeah, you hope so.

Stow it up. He's got some weird shit. It's one of those things where if you want to do butt stuff, I imagine they're like, alright, I'll start plugging. You know, you prepare for it. I mean, the hotel is why I think it's more. How long was he in the hotel? This is for one night.

$10,000. Alright, we got $ for one night. Oh. $10,000. All right. We got $9,000. We got $10,000. I'm going to go with $8,500. Excellent conservative guess. The cost of the evening that will probably let this Roman Empire of our country burn, $2,115.99.

Wow. We could all afford that. That's all it costs to ruin everything. Damn. Ladies and gentlemen, that has been Price Check. One more time for Derek Sheen, everybody. Thank you all afford that. That's all it costs to ruin everything. Damn. Ladies and gentlemen, that has been Price Check. One more time for Derek Sheen, everybody. Thank you guys so much. You're a fucking awesome buddy.

That was fucking so fun. Thank you. You were fucking great. We got one more thing before we close the show. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. I'm sorry we've been so confrontational. We're just salty.

Yeah, we'll hang it out afterwards. We'll go get food or something if you guys want to kick it. We're selling bullshit And we'll say hi Or do all that shit We fucking love you It means a lot to us that you came But you guys know how we close out

The Live Mean Boys events It's time for a little bit of The Tom Goss lightning round everybody Alright Someone hit me in the head or something Yeah yeah So we're gonna throw Tom take off your shirt again

Really? Yeah yeah We're gonna throw some words at Tom right now. He has no idea what's on this list. He has... Just keep it like that. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, all right.

It's like handcuffs. You look like a shitty nun. And Tom has to decide what these words mean and try to explain them to us with no preparation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's some examples. He called love horny fear. He called the devil edgy God. He just...

He's edgy. You guys are familiar with his broken brain right now. Yeah, you guys know bad words. That's what I produce. The whole shindig. Are you ready? No, but I'm ready. Tom, what are bridges? Bridges?

Overroads. Okay. Alright, Tom. Butchers. Butchers. The pre-ch, Tom. Butchers. Butchers. The pre-chopper. Amtrak. Amtrak. Fuck you, transportation. All right, Tom.

Rugs. Rugs. Oh, floor wallpaper. Chipotle. Floor wallpaper. Eat it big. Root beer. Root beer. Root beer. Fuck.

Shit. No drunk soda pop. Fox News. Fox News. We broke him. Propaganda. propaganda. Throwing stars. Oh, throwing stars. Flipping knives.

Pinball. Pinball. Smack the sides. Wrinkles. Wrinkles. Wrinkles. The connection between face and shirt. They both wrinkle. Guys, I'm getting worse at this.

Drums. Drums. Hit you noise. Okay. Psychics. Psychics. Think talkers. Elephants.

Elephants. Long-nosed donkeys. Elephants. Elephants. Long-nosed donkeys. All right, Poison Ivy. Hurt Ya Plant. All right, Tom, name seven Tom Hanks movies. Terminal. The Buzz Lightyear One. The Other Buzz Lightyear One.

The Third Buzz Lightyear One. Turner and Hooch. Buzz Lightyear won. The other Buzz Lightyear won. The third Buzz Lightyear won. Turner and Hooch. He knows Turner and Hooch! I love Turner and Hooch! Oh, shit. There's one where he wears glasses. Philadelphia!

That's five! Oh, shit. That's six. Fuck. Oh, oh, oh, the chocolate retard one. Forrest Gump. Fuck that movie. He's not actually retarded. Chocolate.

All right, I walked some people on that one. Tom, name seven reasons you could lose your job. Okay, saying chocolate retard one. Not wearing clothes. Spitting too much. Spitting a little bit. Being there at the wrong time. Screaming.

Racial slurs. That's two. Public drugs. That's seven. Oh, okay. Okay, cool. All right, Tom. Name seven ACDC songs. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay, cool. Alright, Tom. Name seven ACDC songs. Okay.

Oh, fuck you. Yeah, The Devil. We're in Black. The Bad Highway. Fuck.

Dream on. Oh, we're going to rock and roll all night. Yes. Fucking. Dynamite. Oh, yeah. Did I want dynamite? There's one involving explosives, correct? There's a lot involving explosives. Oh, TNT. Yeah. It's dynamite? There's one involving explosives, correct?

There's a lot involving explosives. Oh, TNT. It's dynamite. Oh, fuck. I don't really like their music. All right, Tom. Name seven. What's a good? I got one.

Tom, name seven famous dogs. Oh, shit shit Clifford The big red The dog mayor Oh fuck Oh hooch There it is Hooch

Did they throw a bunch of pugs in a river In that one movie Homeward Bound. The Homeward Bound dog. All three of them. If you don't know his name, he's not famous. I'll count it. Isn't there a popular dog named Milo who's not the Nazi?

No? Okay. Milo and Otis. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Otis. And, oh, Yokiero Taco Bell Dude. okay Milo and Otis I think Milo yeah yeah okay yeah Otis and uh um

oh uh yo quiero taco bell dude uh okay uh alright Tom

name seven Samuel L. Jackson movies alright this is it oh okay uh there's snakes on this plane

yeah uh Star Wars um uh Briefcase of Pulp Fiction Fuck He's in everything

Turner and Hoops Not a lot of Tom Hanks overlap Fuck Shit Motherfucker This motherfucker Okay I'm trying to remember quotes Oh Jurassic Park Oh, shit. Motherfucker, this motherfucker. Okay, I'm trying to remember quotes. Oh, Jurassic Park.

Yeah, Jurassic Park. God damn it. This is embarrassing. This is embarrassing. Oh, he's in that We Jump Through Portals movie. Amazingly, yes. Jumper. Yeah, Jumper.

How do you know Jumper? My brother liked it. All the iconic Sam Jackson moviesly, yes. Jumper. Yeah, Jumper. How do you know Jumper? My brother liked it. All the iconic Sam Jackson movies. Jurassic Park, Jumper. Oh, the British spy movie. They shoot you with umbrellas and shit. Correct. Kingsman.

Yes, Kingsman. Fuck. Oh, he does crack in a movie. Yes. I don't know the name of the movie. All right. Does anyone have anything they want Tom to name seven of? Oh, yeah.

What do you got? Pokemon the movie. Wait. Oh, wait. You're just naming Sam Jackson movies? I just wanted him to yell it. Oh. Oh, okay.

Pokemon the movie. Tom, name seven Pokemon. Okay. Okay. Charmander. Raichu. Eevee. Squirtle.

Bulbasaur. Pichu. Fucking. Voltorb. It's not funny. Cubone. I know Pokemon a lot better than Samuel L. Jackson. That's the only thing you've known all night. Oh, man.

All right. Yeah. Let's get out on a big one. Yeah. We got it. Yeah. I really. I fizzled.

Perfect. Okay. Right across the street. There was at least 50 when I got off the train. There was another 50 where there was a lot of smoking allowed. Anywhere but up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, on the train? Yeah, not in here.

Everywhere else. Yeah. Oh, there's one at the sandwich place. yeah not in here uh everywhere else uh yeah uh oh there's one at the sandwich place uh alright that's the

Mean Boys Podcast thank you guys for coming out we close out the show every time on the count of three we all say fuck everything

god is dead so guys one two three fuck everything god is dead good night everybody

thank you very much three fuck everything God is dead