Mean Boys - EP 147 - Bazooka Logistics

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

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Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast, just the boys edition. Yeah, we're boys in town. Yeah. That's where we are, we're back there. What's this little, your goddamn right tag you do every time we start the intro? I don't know, it's just a thing. Well, stop it. Alright, sorry.

Your goddamn right. Yeah, your goddamn wrong is what you are, Keith. Sorry for trying to get involved with the intro to our show. You let me talk about boring things and then uh let me yell at you when you interrupt me that's what people love about the podcast uh yeah thanks for tuning in to me boys hello new listeners from the naked roast battle or whatever this is what it is this is the whole big thing yeah wow what a production this is what this is why they were like well we guess you're going to be on TV

with your wieners out. Yeah, yeah. Quality like this. It's a penis-heavy show. Yeah, we thank you for tuning in. If you haven't already, please take a minute and leave us a review on iTunes.

We're only 64 reviews away from our 400-review goal of doing an interview with Keith Carey's mother. And if you listen to eight seconds of any of our fine programs, you'll understand

why that's going to be very funny. Yeah, my mother, if you're new to the show, just a couple of cliff notes. Reformed crack slash mass slash heroin slash everything addict sent me to multiple exorcisms. One time threw a cat out a window. I haven't heard that. Well, it was Christmas. Got dicked down by several Nazis. Yeah, has only had 10 abortions.

And she lives in a trailer park in Fresno. Oh, they live in a house in Fresno. Oh, a house. They're moving on up to somewhere, some house. It still has wheels. They added wheels so they feel more comfortable. It's in a house. I don't want to meet her.

All right. We were thinking about doing it live at the Denny's in Fresno. Oh, yeah, we might return and do it live. Yeah, that's the kind of fucking illustrious stunts we've pulled. Steve Rannazzisi on 9-11. Live show at a Denny's in Fresno. You, yeah, we might return and do a live. Yeah, that's the kind of fucking illustrious stunts we've pulled. Steve Rantzisi on 9-11, live show at Denny's in Fresno. You come to the Mean Boys for events like that.

We're fucking stupid, you guys. Dee Bowles writes, wow, five stars, literally the only conservative comedy podcast in existence in the hopes of normalizing the alt-right. All right, now that's satire.

We're not alt-right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not particularly conservative. No, not really. I don't think any of us identify as conservative. We're pretty apolitical. I mean, I'm conservative with my, not really. I don't think any of us identify as conservative. We're pretty apolitical. I mean, I'm conservative with my love for you guys, but that's just because you constantly disappoint me.

And I'm liberal with my call you a faggot a bunch-itudes. Spiritual libertarians. Indeed. No, probably not. That seems like some fucking Ben Shapiro bullshit. If you're wondering what kind of thriving community would sprout around a show like this, why don't you check out our subreddit, rMemeBoys, and see all the great fucking Rhythm Frog memes and different kinds of shit going on there.

Oh, we have Rhythm Frog memes? Yeah, we do. Or join our Discord channel, started by some listeners, where you can chat with other Mean Boys fans about whatever your dicks or video games or whatever. Links for both of those things will be in the damn show notes. And if you really want to fucking tickle our gooch, throw us a couple shekels on Patreon. Five bucks a month weekly bonus content. Another hour of Mean Boys in your life every week.

At this point, let me scroll down. We've done how many? 56 of those? Oh, man. It feels like so many more. Yeah. It's almost 57. Yeah.

You're goddamn right. There's a lot of good shit in there. You're just normal damn right. I'm not allowed to say goddamn right anymore. $10 a month gets you a goodie. No, you're not. Do we want to announce what the goodie is for this month? Oh, yeah. Three pack of horny summer commemorative condoms. So we can remember the horniest summer we ever had.

And bear in mind, we Googled cheapest mass market condoms here, so use these at your own discretion. Yeah, absolutely. Also, I want to see Mean Boys condoms on some use these at your own discretion yeah absolutely also i want to see mean boys condoms on some wieners shall we they have uh they have five they have like four stars in amazon they're like for the price it's the best bargain i mean it's how many stars does amazon go to uh 12 okay you guys go to five because it has less than the most stars i don't trust it uh i mean i think like you know it's it functions as a condom it's not like the

best condom ever but it's also like we got to be able to afford to make them. Yeah, no, I'm not complaining about it. I'm joking. I think it's more of a novelty gift than a serious method of... Well, it's a novelty gift until you come to one of our live shows and you see a girl with a nose piercing and purple hair who's like, oh, I also unironically enjoy My Little Pony. If you were waiting to fuck until the Mean Boys sent you condoms, you probably aren't gonna fuck. Alright, here's the pitch. The Mean Boys horny summer race. You have to use all, only for

people, only for single people, have to use all three condoms, legally. Yeah, that's right. Don't use this condom to rob a liquor store. Put it over your head like a mask. Let these condoms motivate you to make the changes you need in your life to acquire and satisfy pussies of various. Or butts.

Men or women. They're only for straight sex. I'm putting my foot down. These ones that we're putting a rainbow on? I would not have my hastily graphic designed merchandise be used for sodomy. I want to see poop and lube covered usages of Connor's homophobic condoms. Here's the challenge. I want the lesbian listeners to figure out something to do with him.

He can get them over your whole fist. Put them on a banana and then eat them. Yeah, you know, because everyone wants to have a... Yeah, I want to suck a bad-shaped dick, but I'd hate to have too much potassium. Yeah, if you're a lesbian and you really want the feeling of biting a dick off

to empower yourself, just put the Mean Boys condom on a banana and then bite it and pretend it's that scene in Tank Girl where Laurie Petty attacks a car. If you're a lesbian and you're listening to this show, why? We have a lot of lesbian listeners. Not after the Nanette issue that's coming up later. No, Mean Boys, horny racists. We're very inclusive. Shout out to all you fucking muff-diving idiots out there on the airwaves. Don't stop bequeathing.

Don't stop bequeathing don't stop bequeathing disappointing your dad put a sitting pin on your messenger bag I think dads like it when their daughters are lesbian denim

vests look really gay I'd finally have someone to talk about Joy Division with you guys are no help at all I liked Joy Division before you never heard of them is that a video game? I know that's true

it is a video game. It's a video game where you try to be the most sad in English, and whoever kills themselves first wins. Whoever kills themselves first doesn't get to be in New Order. Uh-oh, he got to the penultimate level. He got a copy of The Idiot and a Warner Herzog movie. That's what Ian Curtis did before he hung himself. So, yeah, five bucks a month, weekly bonus content.

Ten bucks a month gives you a little goody in the mail. And, yeah, so go do that up. Follow us on all the social medias, Instagram, weekly bonus content. Ten bucks a month gives you a little goody in the mail. And, yeah, so go do that up. Follow us on all the social medias, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Links for all that shit is in the show notes. Follow our personal accounts. And say hi if you want. You know, we love talking to fans or the listeners or whatever. You know, it's a really cool part of our day.

So reach out to us at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com if you want to send us a picture or some games or a question or just a little note and leave us a voicemail for our voicemail line which makes its triumphant return this week yeah 304-805-MEAN that's 6326 for all of you uh all you millennials out there who don't know how to dial infomercial product numbers numbers were letters and everything was slow yeah me a guy who had to figure out how to do that myself to make the voicemail line. And I think that's about it. Right, guys? It sure is.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy this episode with just the boys. Hey, everybody. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Condoms, where we're coming, we don't need condoms. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The Gam Burglar. Say friend, what do you think you mean? What do you think a gam is?

That's like what old ladies call your legs. Yeah. Ooh, you got a nice set of gams there, toots. At first I thought it meant pussy. No. And then I looked it up real quick. I was like, oh, that Kendrick Lamar song where he said the gams bought it out of Richard Pryor. And I figured he liked to fuck, so.

Can I tell you a shocking, first of all, you're retarded. Second of all, can I tell you a shockingly specific story that relates to this? Absolutely not. When I was... For gambling? For clothes. No further storytelling. For gambling stories?

When I was in high... Banging my gavel. Shut up. Adjourned. When I was in high school, I did improv, and there was this bit where... Shut up. Where I was an old 30s detective, and I thought gams meant tits, so I said a lady had legs forever and gams, da-da-da.

And somebody was like, gams means legs, dumbass. So somehow this has happened to both of us. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah. Them nipply headlights. I was so bad. I guess I'm a gams burglar. I like legs.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you go around stealing legs or burglarizing. I like a good haunch. The leg itself is whatever. Yeah, the calf does nothing for me, but the thigh region I'm a big fan of. I like thick dude legs. There's like a tree trunk of a calf. You're like a nice stout man.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, we probably want legs pretty similar to your own. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I have a great knee to foot. All good news. Well, knee to ankle. My feet suck, but I have the weirdest parts of my Yeah, I have a great, like, knee to foot. All good news. Well, knee to ankle. My feet suck, but, like, I have the weirdest parts of my body. Yeah, like, if your knee to foot was attached to a taller, in-shape man, it would be great.

Knee to ankle is foxy, and then, like, elbow to hand is pretty good as well. Yeah. So you just, you really. I got the best forearms in the game. Yeah, you got. I got good forearms. You got too much hair. It's an unkempt forehead. You got, like, all the bionicle. I look manly good forearms. You got too much hair. It's an unkempt forearm.

You got like all the bionicle. I look manly but sensitive. You've got all like, it's like so you went into a toy box and you put all the bionicle arms onto

the Mr. Potato Head body. I know. When I was watching the video of us naked, I'm like, man, I have hilariously strong legs for how shitty the rest of me is. Well, whoever said that

how does his stomach know where his pants are supposed to go? That was one of the funniest fucking things I ever read. The answer is years of training. It was just a very clear fucking muffin top.

Yeah. As though somebody had baked you in some sort of fat idiot tin. 400 degrees for 20 minutes. I fuck up words all the time, man. I used to think... No way. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Literary words, man? I can't believe we've done 146 of these and that's never come up. I feel like it should have been the focal point of most of the show. El Pollo Loco. I know it means the crazy chick.

There's no way this didn't go in a racial direction. No, it didn't. I thought Pollo meant crazy. That Loco meant chicky? Somebody calls you Loco and you're like, I'm not chicky. No, it didn't. I thought pollo meant crazy. And so... Did that loco meant chicken? Somebody calls you loco, and you're like, I'm not chicken. You jump through a window. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with my fucking Mexican friends in high school, I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm the pollo gringo.

And they'd just be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You are absolutely the white cock. You're like, yeah, well, you do walk stupidly, so, I mean. You also cannot fly. You eat off the ground often. Dude, chickens take trains. You wake us up early in the morning. Did you say chickens take trains? Yeah, man.

I mean, yeah. They're more of a bus community. Oh, I know. Next time, everyone was telling us we should have taken the Chinatown bus from Philly to New York because it's like $10 and you just get on a bus full of people that are being human trafficked and like live animals. And just chickens and violence. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, dude, I want to get Lyme disease on the bus. That sounds like it'd be good for a new five minutes of stand-up comedy.

I feel like we have to just be stepping off of a bus with just feathers and blood coming out of the window. Oh, yeah, yeah. I want it to look like the tour bus for, like, fucking Argentinian guar. Guargentina. Yeah, yeah. We don't have a lot of money. Don't cry for me, Guargentina. It's good to be back in the studio.

I got to say, a very overwhelming amount of Mean Boys listener love the past few days. So shout out to all you guys. You're fucking great. Alexis, thank you for the condoms. Tried some of them out. They were great. You're right. I've been basically soiling my dick with this trash for years.

And now I'll exclusively be using crown skinless condoms. I use them as finger puppets. And it was a lot of fun. Yeah. I wanted to do this. So some people might be new because they came over from the Naked Rose battle. And Tom Goss is the third Mean Boy. Tom, introduce yourself in 10 seconds.

Yeah, I'm Tom. I make a lot of noises that upset Keith and Connor. And then, yeah, I have clothes on. Thank you. You got it done in nine. Wow. That was honestly the best you've ever explained yourself. Yeah.

That was the funniest shit is when I was trying to pitch the University of Milwaukee. They're bringing you back to headline mental health week. I was just talking about this. Yeah, and I was just like, oh, yeah, you know who you got to get for mental health week is Tom Goss. He's got so many mental problems. He's been institutionalized a bunch of times. He thought he was like another guy. He's not violent, but he's weird you know

and then cut to you with a gopro tape to a mohawk just like hey is this where i do the funnies at the at the young people yeah hi i'm not gonna hurt you on the vlog you told me you told him like yeah they thought he had well they they thought he had a lot of stuff yeah you're like oh backtrack backtrack i was just thinking about trying to do a bit about that whole fucking experience oh absolutely sure oh yeah yeah we just we talked about a bit on the bonus content we just got back from the the pnw uh shout outs uh to all the mean boys fans we met up there homeboy you drove from out of town and got a motel room uh death radio and his uh lovely girlfriend came out he saw our one man show he was the

sole audience member in Mesa Arizona we had a much nicer crowd this time around and all the couples and the weirdos and the homeless guys trying to invite people to weird like knife orgies and shit there was this homeless guy in Portland who just like he just linked into the group when we were at the pizza place

he was just like I feel like I could gel with this community one by one he was just like, I feel like I could gel with this community. Yeah, one by one, he's just like, you want to go down the street with me? There's a speakeasy. I'm like, no, there's not. He did not mention speakeasy to me. I feel almost like insulted because I was never once solicited for the speakeasy. He solicited me five times to go down the street.

Yeah, he really wanted me and Tom to go. I don't know if that's a part of my no-nonsense vibe, but, I mean, I didn't get the fucking answer. You know, I thought maybe just like, oh, this guy doesn't party at all. Oh, no, he wanted to do more than party. He was very nice, but yeah, very, very drunk black man with a neck tattoo who very much wanted people alone with him. And I think he might have been gay. I wonder if that's what it is.

I don't know. Yeah, let's go ahead and put all this on him being black and gay. That's not how I meant that. Those are the main two issues. On behalf of the gay community, let's move the chips over to black. As a man who now owns I believe four pairs of joggers, on behalf of

the black community, I think that this is solely due to this man's mental illness of being gay, which is what it is. I mean, it wasn't until ten years ago that the World Fucking Mental Bullshit Association wrongly decided that it was something you were born with, like a club foot or a personality. Hello, I'm Professor Snowflake from the Mental Bullshit Association. From the Jordan Peterson Institute of Disowning your family on Facebook. And I'm here to talk to you today about gay or black.

Which one's worse? I like to think that someone was hitting on me. Is that too much? Yes. No. I mean, look. I mean, you've never thought someone was hitting on you the millions of times they've been hitting on you. Yeah.

But the one time it's a clearly drugged out violent man you're like i think he's in love with me none of the cute girls girls you had a lot in common with did you think were hitting on you and they're like oh i guess tom just doesn't like me but uh you're like oh yeah the hobo with the with the you know the super soaker full of aids blood you're right he definitely went up what i was putting down he definitely wasn't sketchy since he was isolating us one by one and trying to trying to get us to join him solo at a dark, undisclosed location. Yeah, like using straight up Scientology tactics outside of a pizza place. Which, to be fair, I guess is also if you were trying to fuck Tom.

That's what I'm saying. He was too friendly to be violent. He wasn't violent at all. I don't think he was violent. He was just a little odd. I mean, he was annoying, but once you go from annoying to hostile, that's one. He was just a little odd. I mean, he was annoying, but it's like, yeah, if you like, once you go from annoying to hostile, that's when. He was definitely sketchy.

Sketchy. He was right up to the edge of sketchy, right towards hostile. So, you know, we kept him at bay. But thank you guys all for coming out. It is pretty wild to, you know, spend years thinking you're wasting your life doing something and then being, you know, hundreds of miles away, you know, with a room full of people shouting, fuck everything, God is dead dead so we really appreciate you guys you guys have said so many nice things about the the naked roast and all the new people you know messaging us i tried

i've i think i've responded just about everybody but i know i have some emails i got to go back and catch up on and shit so working all that uh working on getting like you know some some patreon fucking post office fuck up sent back out and figured out so i've just been i've had the busiest like mother and a half of my life and i that's usually my job so i i want to apologize to you guys for not being on top of that but i am i am working on it and uh it'll all be rectified we love you guys very much yes yeah man you guys are fucking rad i love i love really really sweet these last couple days i love that we have a fan base where our last two live shows were literally in portland oregon and at fucking Skank Fest.

Yeah. And they were both a blast. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we're crossing the divide, and you guys are rad who are hanging out with us. Oh, yeah. We live in, we're in the void between all of these different groups. It's just fucking no man's land. Between the woke and the damned.

Yeah, you come over to fucking Dick Joke Purgatory, and you party with the mean boys. All right, guys? There's a seat for you at the table. Because guess what? There's not that many people at the party. Yeah, there's about seven of you. Yeah. Tell your damn friends.

Yeah. Well, I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the goddamn Mexican joke op? Ay, so topical. Hell yeah. Yeah, I got a call from Downey and after they stopped calling me, I couldn't get it in my notes. My phone, my computer just died. Downey, and this is a bit regional, I can get it in my notes. My computer just died. Downey, and this is a bit regional, Downey's one of those cities that I'm like, there's no way this doesn't exist just as some kind of gigantic money laundering scheme.

Right. Because their entire output seems to be like, there's like eight warehouses, a couple Burger Kings, and then just a lot of train tracks with sad people walking around them. Yeah, it's one of those places like La Mirada is one of those, too. Oh, yeah. You don't actually exist. This is a hedge fund for some kind of evil neighborhood council type situation. Yeah, some sort of Stepford Wives, let's build more white people factory. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking La Mirada. There's some sort of fucking carpetbagging figure who's just cashing a check. He's like, they think La Mirada's actually a play scene. And we're going to build a monorail there. Alright, I'll kick off the joke off this week. Music legend Aretha Franklin has passed away. Tom Goss paid his respects saying, quote, thanks for inventing electricity.

Hell yeah. It's very important to me to note that is only kind of a joke because I told Tom outside Aretha Franklin died and he goes, I do not know who that is. Oh, that's great. That's one of my favorite joke off birds. That's pretty damn good. R.I.P. Aretha Franklin, man.

One of my favorite singers. Yeah, it's a legit bummer. Yeah. Yeah. Great life. Yeah. All right. I guess I'll go.

You don't want to go through your Instagram story some more? No. I mean, I do, but I guess I got to do this podcast. The upcoming film Detective Pikachu has switched studios for a third time. Writer Nicole Perlman still believes it will be a box office hit and blames the studio switch-ups on her legal counsel, Loyal Pikachu. Oh, Lawyer Pikachu. Oh, yeah, there you go. Your lawyer's a Pikachu.

I know it was a joke about Japan, but you still switched a lot of R's and L's there, guy. I did, yeah. No, it is Loy a Pikachu. I know it was a joke about Japan, but you still switched a lot of R's and L's there, guy. I did, yeah. No, it is a loyal Pikachu. He's just like, Pikachu, I never cheated on you. Yo, this is a ride or die Pikachu. He follows me around everywhere. You won't evolve on me. Man, unloyal Pikachu fucking your cousin.

Oh, yeah. You know what's funny? You picture a Pokemon universe pedophile who won't let his Pokemon evolve because he doesn't want them to get bigger and he won't be attracted to them anymore. And Squirtle's like, let me grow up. And he's like, no, I'm pressing the A button. Pop, pop, pop. Oh, God. They're literally grooming their victims.

They're taking them to like the Cerulean City Spa or whatever. Yeah. I'm going to level up with Max happiness during the day. Oh, Jesus. Max sadness. Who am I kidding? It's max sadness at night. Squirtle, you keep a secret.

It's super effective. Back to what made this podcast great. Pokemon-based sexual assault. We have one bit. Now we just need some more access. We got like three. We got Tom doesn't know people. We got I'm autistic. We got Tom doesn't know people. We got I'm autistic.

We got you're fat. Yeah. And then everything else is we just sort of put a sticker of some sort of 90s media on top of those jokes. And then we just go, hey, it's a brand new joke. Every once in a while you just pull the ripcord and it's, oh, I'm Bane now. Yeah. Oh, yes. Look who came to Bane, Bane, Bane.

We've ever done two and a half Banes? I don't think we've ever done it before. We've done it so many times. I know, we've done it a million times. I know. By the way, I want you to know you were vindicated in your hatred of the Bane voice, because Connor did a whole set as Bane when he was stoned in Portland, and man, did those people not care for it.

I did pretty good, dude. Nah, we bombed, dude. No, they liked me. Oh, whatever, you fag i was compelling you don't understand shut up more to a performance than just wall to wall laughter i mean sometimes joke sometimes you get you create a tension and release it i'm an artist i want to flip your chair over and watch you bleed well you know you then who would learn how rss feeds work i don't know probably me in 20 minutes no you couldn't do it you right. I don't know how to Google a thing.

Yeah, dude. There's too many Cheetos in your fucking brain to figure out the complexes. Yeah, you got it. I'm so dumb and fat. Of audio. Guys who steal in the state where Atlanta is. You couldn't possibly learn what bit rates on MP3s are. There's too much chili in your medulla. It's just a big hippity hop full of like fireman

snacks. Medulla or Melgata. Oh, man. I got pork rinds in my spinal cord, so I guess I can't do PayPal. Oh, God. Yeah, landlocked Florida. Tell a joke. Start it over. Sorry. Okay.

Georgia thieves successfully stole $100,000 in ramen noodles. Be on the lookout for two college freshmen traveling with a chunk of noodles the size of Rhode Island. I saw that news that's so much fucking ramen. When I think ramen, I think of like cigarette monies. So from what I understand, a ramen is like a $5 bill in prison.

Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. Yeah, they're valuable in prison. Cigarettes are singles. Ramen is like $5. A $20 is probably like a bump of like a like a mouth a mouth that's one of you's just a fuckable mouth yeah 20 a wet mouth yeah man i i wonder what you know you want to know what a certificate of deposit is made out to your name you want to know what a traveler's check is it smells okay it's tight and it smells one of the most embarrassing

but one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me was I fucking broke and I was trying to buy ramen with pennies from the couch. And it cost 19 cents and I only had 17 cents. And I was like, can you guys let me slide? And they were like, no. So I had to take my 17 pennies home. Oh, man. An Idaho couple was trapped for 30 hours in a frigid ice cave. Thankfully, rangers were able to rescue the hiker safely from Connor McSpadden's pussy.

I have a very wet, warm, inviting pussy. It's a pretty sweet plan. Not that you would know. I can do a lot better. You got me. Matthew Perry has undergone surgery to repair a gastrointestinal perforation. Man, Chandler would sew up his own ass. He tore a hole in it.

Could I be in any more need of a hemorrhoid donut? There's that 90s media sticker. Yeah, yeah. The one where Chandler rips a hole in his ass. Man, I read that and I was like, that's so... I feel like, does that have to get a press release? How do people find out about that? Is there some freedom of information thing with hospital records where you can just be like,

well, Matthew Perry's got a hole in his ass. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, the doctor was just like, it's close to famous. Isn't there a hole in every ass? No. Actually, my friend was telling me, she told me that some babies are born without buttholes. I guess she learned this at her family reunion. So they have to do like...

All right, everybody present and present the williams family crest yeah yeah well yeah and i'm just like so you just get in there with like a big pen and a bunch of tissues and he's like i'm fucking i guess yeah they have to like create a butthole i'm like what happens to the babies where like they just don't have a butt do they eventually just pop it out like the little capri sunhole with just poop poop i don't know they build up pressure they just get like all fucking bloated and die of dysentery yeah they die of dump organ yeah like start puking out shit i mean imagine that in the mid in like medieval times where you're just like well i guess my baby's haunted i guess i gotta go let the wolves

have them i think this is the devil yeah yeah Buttholes are underrated in terms of like... I'm a fan. Yeah, I don't know what you're getting at here. I'm just saying we need them. Yeah, I don't think anyone's ever been like, buttholes, who needs them? I don't think anyone, if you're like, alright, you gotta lose one body part, I don't think there's anyone on earth who would be like, get rid of my butthole unless they had colon cancer. But no one speaks appreciation for the butt.

There's literally 20 songs about it on the radio right fucking now. If I could direct you to Sir Mix-a-Lot. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. There's no rap songs where it's like, man, think about the craziness that is the digestive tract. Huh, guys? It's not just for sex. It's also for poop.

This is a rap. A hippity-hoppity-mint poops out the butt, and the butt don't stop. It's the bang-bang dookie. You know what the Sugar Hole Gang, the tackle, E. coli. The Sugar Hole Gang. The Cornhole Gang. There we go. How is that not the name of this podcast?

How about the Butt Hole Gang? There you go. There you go. How about butts poop joke? Everyone talks about the butt. No one talks about the anus. And here's where I think of the best Patreon exit survey I've ever read in my life, which is I really tried to like the show after Joe left, but it seems like it just turned into

the mean kids farting, pee-pee, tee-hee, ha-ha hour. I think that's so funny. It was just like, I'm not even mad at you. I'm like, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, it's exactly what we do. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, every once in a while I go on some kind of rant about the late capitalism. It's kind of, nah, who am I kidding?

But, fucking, what if you shit out a dick? What if you farted like Bane? Yeah, well... And sometimes we do jokes about other things that are not good, like this one. Look. A man resorted to eating bees after getting lost in the mountains.

Wow, sounds like a real buzzkill. Fuck you. I loved it. Fuck you, you anus. When I heard eating bees, I'm like, is he going to suck on like a flat-chested woman's titties? That was where I filled in the blank on that joke, but I was wrong. Here's a very stupid one. No, I went dumber than that.

A nun was arrested for smuggling pounds of narcotics in her robes. I've heard of a coke habit, but this is ridiculous. Don't you dare fucking attack yourself for that joke. That is one of the perfect examples of a, but this is ridiculous. A lot of times the fun of the this is ridiculous joke is how forced they were, but a coke habit, it's beautiful. Can I tell you my honest concern with that joke is I did not for a second think Tom would know a nun's robes are called a habit. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was just picturing a nun made out of hamburgers.

I was trying to figure out what my next joke would be, and then I heard Coke, Habit, and Connor Loud. I was like, be a part of the group. Stop being antisocial. Hell yeah. So I made a ha-ha. Do you need me to change you? Did you make a ha-ha again in your pants? Out of your precious butthole that you love so much? Oh, yeah, did you make. Do you need me to change you? Did you make a ha ha again in your pants?

Out of your precious butthole that you love so much. Oh, yeah. That you don't even care about. Oh, Tom Goss and the golden butthole. Oh, man. My butthole is so great. Oh, it is great. I can use it for pooping and hiding pills when I'm in the hospital. That's my little secret pocket.

It's like it's like like ruse the shoe, but it's up in between your butt. But spoon storage. That's my little secret pocket. It's like Rue's, the shoe, but it's up between your butt cheeks. The butt spoon storage. I like how you said that like it was a stop on a train. The butt spoon storage. Well, I got to go to the butt spoon storage warehouse. Next stop, Asshole Junction. Give me a kiss on the cheek, honey.

Not that cheek. All right, I'll see you later. In her new song, Barbie Dreams, Nicki Minaj takes tongue-in-cheek shots at the sexual prowess of her hip-hop contemporaries notably unmentioned in the track was mclemore who doesn't even have enough swag to have hypothetical sex with a black woman he can't even in theory try to imagine mclemore fucking a black chick you get a headache it's just radio static it's like trying to conceive a fourth dimensional cube you can understand that it's possible, but to actually visualize it in three-dimensional spaces is undoable. That's really fucking funny, my dude.

Thanks. A church received negative press after telling a woman breastfeeding her child inspired lustfulness, making this the first time a priest ever complained about a horny baby. These babies are too horny. That classic Jewish priest. Oh, these babies are too horny. That classic Jewish priest. Oh, you love Jesus. You go to Catholic church and try to teach him how to eat the loaves.

I was buying communion wafers and I thought $20 for $5,000. That seems a little high. I mean, you couldn't use Manischewitz with the communion wafer. It's not like I'm using him for salami at a party event. Every Jew becomes Snagglepuss. I don't know long enough. We killed Jesus. I'm reading the Torah. Christ, who needs him?

Yuck. A great prophet, but a savior? I think not. Snagglepuss. Schmecklepuss. The Academy awards announced a new category best popular movie the original title for this category was outstanding achievement and giving black panther an oscar so don't get yelled at on twitter again yeah it's got to be black panther right i mean a hundred percent yeah yeah the one i read like this speculation where they're like well what if black panther and infinity war split the vote and they're like Mamma Mia 2 or some shit wins it?

Oh. Nothing would be funnier to me. I mean, that would be really funny. Yeah, there would be just riots in woke Twitter streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mamma Mia. Hey, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a fucking movie, dude.

Even we think this was a bad idea. Have you guys seen the first Mamma Mia? Oh, so many times. Tom, what the fuck do you think I've seen? I don't know. I had to see it in the psych ward because I was the only dude left, and they made me watch Mamma Mia, and that movie fucking sucks. Oh, man.

It's like a really weird children of men. I've seen three men hurt from rocks while singing. It is a fucking bad time. I mean, that sounds kind of hot, if I'm being honest. But you and I would have had different experiences. Maybe. All right, guys. A weed-killing chemical linked to cancer has been found in children's breakfast foods.

Parents are outraged that their children can no longer and safely enjoy honey bunches of mulch. I guess. I mean, to be fair, I've never found weeds in a box at Count Chocula, so this shit's working. Weeds? Yeah. That would be cool if you open up a really old box of cereal and just fucking mushrooms were sprouting in it. You'd be like, damn. Damn.

Shit returned to the earth. Man, nature finds a way, you shit. Yeah. All right, respect. Old box of kicks. Man, I hate when you fucking see the inspirational post where it's like a flower growing through the concrete. And it's like, life finds a way. And I'm like, the city is poorly zoned.

Yeah, what it really is is we found a way to kill all the rest of the life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not inspiring. You're not a flower. This is irrelevant to you. Do what I do and go look at pictures of The Rock talking about how he didn't used to have money. And now he does. And do push-ups while you think about your ex-girlfriend.

Oh, man. That sounds like a fun life. No, I'm kidding. I don't do that. Are you a liar? I really don't. He doesn't do push-ups. No.

No, no, no. Dude, I've just been eating like shit and like not like just kind of walking around a lot. And I'm still in great shape. And it's like like I look good. And I'm just I'm like, man, how hard do I have to go for like a cry for help? Because I feel like I could just like all that happens when I eat candy is I get vascular and I looked more jacked because of the sugar. You guys want to hear more about this problem? You are the least sympathetic human being

that has ever existed. I've worked hard. I've worked so hard. Why don't you talk about me more? I don't know. Talk about yourself, man. I like Connor. I talk about myself so you guys can shit on me.

That's exactly what I'm doing. It's a whole thing. I can teach you how to get doing. It's a whole thing. Yeah. It's truly infuriating. I could teach you how to get fat. Yeah, it's really not hard. I don't think I could. For me to get.

You want to bet? If I was trying to get fat, it would be I would have to like go on a special fat ass diet. Dude, I genuinely want to see if I can lose 20 pounds before you gain 20 pounds. Oh, you absolutely could. You think so? Yeah. I don't know. It's hard for me to lose weight.

I mean, if I could probably Yeah. I don't know. It's hard for me to lose weight. I mean, I could probably gain... I don't know. I couldn't gain 20 pounds of muscle because that took me like six months because I was kind of lazy about it. I want to get buff again because I used to be like 215 and now I'm 170. I weighed myself 170. I thought I was like 180 but I'm really fucking light.

You used to be 215? I used to be 215, yeah. That's crazy. Around the time I first started doing Roast Battle, I was kind of like... Yeah, you were kind of jacked. I was like low-key jacked, yeah. Oh. Now look at you now. Look at me now. I'm just a sinewy...

Fuck God. You went reverse Captain America, is really what happened. I did, yeah. They put you in that machine and just took all your swag out. Although I gotta say, loving the skin I'm in. You can't get to me, YouTube comments. Tom, you're up. Okay.

An ISIS member. They're back. An ISIS. Look who's back. Guess who's back again. Kill your friend. It's the British guy. He's doing scary movies.

Played on Fox. It's the news. There's a head on the ground. Yes, she's back. So yeah, an ISIS member who killed a cop was found in California. He was caught when he tried to found the new rap group NWISIS. Like N-words with ISIS? group n-w-i-s-i-s like like so that's n words with uh isis and n words with the islamic state of iraq and syria so this would be a group of black men who had purchased the land that had

been annexed by isis man so there's just there's just one guy it's just like, I don't know, fucking Oprah is just like, guess who just bought a Lepo? What are you? You can't just mash. You get the fuck out. You get the fuck out. You get the fuck out. Yeah, you can't just mash acronyms together and be like, this should work. Yeah, because he killed the cop.

The letters stand for something. No, he killed the cop. That has almost nothing to do with it. That's N.W.A.'s do with it. That's NWA style. Yes. ISIS jacked their style. Yep. You sure did.

You're right. ISIS, the natural descendant of NWA. I'm just saying they found something in common. Yeah, well, they had the one guy, ISIS Cube. Shut up. A Colorado woman who was in the hospital made headlines by attending her sister's wedding via a robot surrogate. The bride was seen muttering, oh, good, you found a way to make my wedding all about you, Karen. That is kind of a bitch move.

Yeah, well, all the pictures are just like, you know, this lady, just like her dumb fucking I'm in the hospital face on like an iPad taped to a robot. It was a helper from the Venture Brothers. And then just like the bride is like walking. You see her smiling but it's that like fuck you smile. It's like oh cool. Me and Jessica

were on the road and we judged a roast battle in like Oklahoma City and there's a guy who couldn't make it so he had another dude with a bike helmet

and an iPad taped to his face and he FaceTimed himself in from like wherever he was. That's pretty funny. It just didn't really work and you couldn't really hear him.

So it was just like a dude stuck in a really hot robot suit just getting called gay in front of like 30 people in this fucking brewery in Oklahoma. It's a funny idea. And I was just like, this is weird, man. This is an odd tableau of the future. Yeah. All right. Police tased an 87-year-old woman for using a knife to cut dandelions outside of her home. She told reporters from her hospital bed, I really should have wished for something else.

Yeah, I guess she didn't speak English, and she was trimming dandelions, and cops were just like, you got to put that knife down. And she was like, what? I'm trimming the dandelions. And they're like, all right, electricity time. Jesus. The cops are so gay, dude. Yeah, fuck the cops.

Yeah, I really hate. If you're a cop, tell you what, quit your job, get into podcasting. Yeah. I'm not hurting anybody. I mean, sure, I ruffle a few feathers with my use of the word retarded in reference to the Inzector archetype of Yu-Gi-Oh! decks. But you know what you've never done is electrocute an old woman. Yu-Gi-Oh! before me But you know what you've never done is electrocute an old woman. Why did you bring up Yu-Gi-Oh! before me?

Yeah, I never... God damn it. Sorry for being so insensitive to the card. I was being insensitive to... Yeah, I was. It was rude to the people that... I know there's a lot of good people working over at Konami and in Mission Viejo where they're doing their best

raising difficult children. Anyway, read your joke, retard. A man is on the run after intentionally running over a middle school class tortoise. They found him when they created the rap group N-W-N-O-T-O-R-T-O-I-S-E. Wait.

Wait. N-W-Tortoise? Yeah. No tortoise. So it's Edwards with no tortoise? That's most Edwards. That's most people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom, you fucking moron. Here's what's great. That was the original punchline, and then after the last one went so well, I'm like, I'm changing the punchline. I'm doubling down on NWA. About NWA again. Yeah, yeah. Good people.

I like them. Holy shit. One of them's dead. Or more of them dead. Definitely one. AIDS. Easy E. Killed by Suge Knight.

Wow. Okay. Thanks for watching a 90s pop-up video with Tom. That would be a great YouTube series is just to have Tom watch videos and just do pop-up Tom videos where he says facts that he's pretty sure about. Tom gets video. And it'd be like, yeah, Meryl Streep, also the voice of Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmatians. Oh, really?

No. Seems like something you'd think. Alright, well that was a... She's a versatile actress. Did you know only one shark has ever been a U.S. Senator? Yeah, you can't pronounce versatile like that unless

you're a rapper stretching for a rhyme during a really quick-paced verse. I said versatile fine. I said actrice instead of actress. That was the fucking thing. Actrice O'Neil. That's post-op. Post-op Patrice.

Oh, you just went versatile. Oh, okay. You could do it with Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken. No. This is my... Shut up. Oh, welcome to Bane world.

We're not doing this. This is somehow worse than Bane. This podcast sucks. Oh, I shoot people in movies. We're bad at comedy. Why does anybody like this fucking podcast? Tom, I'll give you $1,000 if you can name seven Christopher Walken movies. In Bruges.

Already none. Oh, shit. I meant seven psychopaths. Okay. Pulp Fiction. Okay. All right. Forrest Gump. Nope. Nope. Name one more. He wasn't the dad Alright Forrest Gump

Nope Nope Name one more He wasn't the dad of Forrest Gump Absolutely not He didn't give him Oh no that was Pulp Fiction Wait

Wait I had these uncomfortable running shoes up my ass for 40 years Forrest I mixed up the scene with Forrest Mama always said the gimp is sleeping Forrest. Mama always said the gimp is sleeping. Forrest Gimp! When I got raped by the weird leather clown, I didn't think I'd ever meet the president.

When he was putting truffles in my ass, I really wished I could talk to Bubba about it. I grew a big beard and got good at cardio because I was tired of getting mouth-fucked by a guy who could catch me. Oh, he's on SNL. Yeah, that's not a movie, Tom. If you watch him, definitely not a movie. Fuck, I don't know. Was he in some Bud Light or shit? Just because something's as long as a movie doesn't mean it's a movie that's you explaining fasting to me it's not a major motion picture

there's not an oscar screener being sent out called tom tells you what himalayan salt does yeah my favorite trilogy is when i went to bed last night i don't know if i know any other yeah i know that was the point of the exercise you've lost your impression was he a disney film oh yeah i was in a disney film that's not even it guys i can't shut your fat mouth i can't with this right now that was a great mexican joke cartoon network we'll be we'll be right back right hey we'll shut up fuck everyone now we're going to break coming this fall to HBO, two of entertainment's most polarizing figures team up for the comedy event of a lifetime.

Andrew Dice Clay took the world by storm in the 90s, and now he's coming back, but he's not alone, because his entire act has been written by rapper and cultural icon Kanye West. Kanye. Dice. This is Andrew Dice-yay. So I'm in this French restaurant, alright?

And I'm like, hey bitch! Hurry up with my damn croissants! Oh! The raw onstage energy of the hottest comedian of 1991 meets the lyrical craftsmanship of the voice of a generation. I sent this bitch a picture of my dick!

I tell ya, she's the head of a class She just won a swallow ship Eat an Asian pussy All I need is sweet and sour sauce Director Spike Lee left the project pretty early on Saying he felt quote conflicted as fuck But trust us it's still pretty good Everybody's so fucking politically correct.

I go to the mall. This guy says, oh my God, is that a black card? I say, yeah, but I prefer the term African American Express. Critics are raving about Andrew Dice Yale. Rolling Stone exclaims, what even the fuck is this? USA Today raves, well, he was going to say the N-word anyway, so I guess this is better, maybe? And Jay-Z says, nah.

If your stripper's named Portia, then your fat friend, her nickname is Minivan. Oh! Now listen, I got this bush. I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broker. Ah, Andrew Dicey, this fall only on HBO. HBO, they can't all be Carlin.

And we're back with the Mean Boys. The Vape It In A Circle variety. I just look over and both of you are just taking vape rips and making direct eye contact with me. Yeah, Keith. You're a hater. We get it. I am a vape hater, dude. It's not even a vape.

It's a jewel. You want jewels? You're a fucking nerd. Take the jewel. You don't understand. Take the not even a vape. It's a jewel. You want jewels? You're a fucking nerd. Take the jewel. You don't understand. Take the jewel. Put the jewel in your butthole.

You don't understand how to be a popular guy with a secret Instagram when you're 13 years old. Step one, joggers. Step two, vaping. Step three, rapping along to Lil Pump songs and including the N-words and hoping your principal doesn't find out about it. Is nine-year-old girl uh that's little tay yeah understandable mistake yeah we've already talked about you're still foolish and you should feel bad this show before uh shane gillis has talked about her upsetting length on this show i didn't really have much of a take i mean i thought it was you know man i've never watched somebody so disinterested while they disavow their own product. Wait, what?

You're just like, I didn't say anything. I've never heard of her. I don't know what I did. I'm not Lil Tay's manager. How is she my own product? No, I meant the podcast. Oh. I was disavowing Shane Gillis, vocal Nazi.

Vocal Nazi and one of our guests yeah Shane Gillis Stormfront moderator of note Shane Gillis Alex Jones in a different wig

you may know him from his username Shane hates him 88 yeah at Hitler buddy you guys ever wear a wig what's up

have I ever worn a wig yeah I've worn a wig in front of you several times when I don't know it probably happened shut up you said that with such certainty What's up? Have I ever worn a wig? Yeah. I've worn a wig in front of you several times. I don't know.

It probably happened. Shut up. You said that with such certainty that I just accepted it as fact, and then I realized I can't think of a time I've seen you in a wig. I mean, sometimes I just think conversations are stupid, so I try to end them as soon as I can. Sometimes I'm just like, I don't see this going anywhere good. Yeah, here's the problem with this conversation. I haven't mentioned my Ross Dress for Less joggers once in it.

You guys need to open your minds to the concept of luxury fashion. Have you jogged in them yet? They're not for jogging. They're for looking cool. They're for looking like a faggot. They're for showing off your beautiful sneakers. Okay, guys? You're not wearing sneakers.

Because it's hot in here, and I want my foot stink to waft over to you guys as a power move. I want you to be waterboarded by toe cheese odors while you're ripped. You're disrespectful on a pheromone level. Yeah, I'm one step away from peeing next to your room just to be like, oh, yeah, you think this is your space. You mean where everyone pees? I peed out the window of the basement the other night just because I thought it would be like, oh, yeah, you think this is your space. You mean where everyone pees? I peed out the window of the basement the other night just because I thought it would be funny. And I was like, oh, that's genuinely luxurious. Oh, yeah.

I angled it to the sides so I didn't hit the laundry area. It was like Wanted where they curved the bullet. It was like Wanted, the movie about the high-level superhuman hitmen where they pee at an angle. The most athletic thing you've done is bend your dick 30 degrees so you didn't get pissed all over the place where we wash our clothing. Sorry I have enough of a dick that I can make choices with it. Yeah, my dick is so tiny I can't move it any direction. I have photographs. It's permanently 180 degrees vertical.

If you really want to do something impressive, try to do the angle piss thing hard. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. Try and build a fucking elbow into it. That's where the real champs are. Man, someone posted a video of like a... The way Tom is laying right now is so weird.

That is pretty funny. Because you're like laying down, but you're awkwardly perching yourself up, and the cord is just on what is clearly your dick. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, no. Supposedly some meme was like a lightsaber going through water and it said, when you gotta pee with a boner. That's exactly what it's like. See, women don't have to pee with boners.

They do in my house, I'll tell you that. I say, I'm hard. Give me a smart water and then it's your job to make the pee come out. Milk my pee bet when a woman Milk my pee Yeah When a woman's wet while peeing

It just comes out easier When a man's hard And having to pee I really hope this new character I'm doing of worst guy That's ever lived Is coming across as satirically As I hope it is

In the podcast Yes Character Trying to pee with a hard pee It is trying to shoot Like a 30 foot long bazooka It is No you have no fucking control.

Yeah, you've never shot a bazooka or been hard. I don't know how hard that would be. That's not a bazooka. It's a midget bazooka. No, my dick is not. No, it's not, Tom. It doesn't shoot an explosive round. It has a completely different propulsion system.

Yeah, you idiot. You don't know shit. You know nothing of bazooka logistics. Yeah, you can't. All right, well, there's the episode title. Yeah. Yeah, you don't know nothing of bazooka logistics. Yeah, you can't. All right, well, there's the episode title. Yeah, you're straight up. You don't know shit

about bazooking, dude. You thought up until recently that a bazooka was a cookie with ice cream on it, you fat son of a bitch. Oh, man, I got to go take a bazooka dump. I know about bazookas

and bazookas. I love weapons and candy. Bazooka, bazooka, bazooka. I love weapons and candy. Pazookie. Pazookie. Pazookie. I eat them instead of talking to girls. Oh, man. Well, speaking of our dicks, I've got a middle segment. Fuck this podcast.

This podcast was a fucking mistake. It's the most fun I've ever had. I got a middle segment. What a waste of progress. If you put white Burt's Bees on your fucking lip, you smug bitch. I got a little segment up here What a waste of progress Fucking As you know If you put white Burt's Bees On your fucking lip You smug bitch

I'm a hypocrite Because I use Burt's Bees Really No you're just The worst You're just I'm kidding Every time you lean

I know Every time you lean On these two wheels I'm just waiting for them To roll a little bit Not because I want you To get hurt I'm very good at balancing

Well there's also like Just a stack of things For you to break your neck on, directly behind where your head is. This is like Million Dollar Baby, but you're rooting for the stool. You really have it. Can I have your joggers if you die? No. Can I have your birth space? Yes.

Cool. Can I have Tom? Tom, I'm putting a... There's going to be a whole... I'm going to be his tombstone. For Tom, there's going to be a whole bingo system where everyone gets a number and then I have a big cage full a whole. I'm going to be his tombstone. For Tom, there's going to be a whole bingo system where everyone gets a number and then I have a big cage full of balls. I'm going to be like a, yeah, like a, like a deli line. And then you have to, you have to stand up on stage naked while an auctioneer goes like,

oh, who's it going to be? And everyone's like, oh, I hope I get him. You know what would be fucking hilarious is if Connor died and then like we didn't give anyone his room out of respect. So there were now like two empty rooms in the house and you're still sleeping in the kitchen oh that would be funny if i do die and i want this to be public i've tweeted it but just just so it reaches the airwaves i demand a bill clinton impersonator play taps on a saxophone i don't want my funeral to be a sad event and i don't think i'll be missed particularly but I do want it to be big

I want it to be a big dumb party. I would like a pie eating contest featuring whatever surviving willing ex-girlfriends I have. That's always been a thing. Oh that is great. And then the winner gets some portion of my inheritance whatever that may be

you know hypothetical point in time. Oh you're a cremated dick or something. I like the idea of all your exes racing to make the oh, now he cares about eating pie joke. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't eat pussy more than just about anyone. I think you do. I just think you're not good. Look, when your dick doesn't work, you get pretty good at eating pussy.

Speaking of our dick. When you've got a dick that functions like a Civil War musket. No, actually, you know what, man? I've been meditating every day again and drinking my vegetable shakes, and I've got to say, my dick cream's been great. I'm feeling very zen overall in life. I'm happy for you, man. Thanks.

All right, let's do the game. I don't care. I am happy for you. You're not as good at being mean as I am. What's up? It's not believable. I don't know. You're too jolly.

You guys both suck. I'm a happy man. Yeah, well, you know what? And I'm actually happy, not this synthetic happiness. How about you fucking choke on it? I'm just like, oh, I got to vape and dump pants. I love my vape and dump pants. You shit on my stories. You're like, yeah, I drank vegetables today.

Yeah, I drank lettuce and made two good choices, and that is why I'm better than all of you. Well, yeah, I'm trying to help you help yourselves, but you guys are too pig-headed and fat. Pig-bodied. You guys are pigs is what I'm getting at. Yeah, you fucking pull smoker. Yeah, yeah. Do I ever notice why Muslim people are afraid to touch you? Maybe do a little math on that one, dummy.

Or are there too many Cheetos in your brain? As I've hypothesized earlier in the program. The story is Muslim hugger, Connor McSpan. I've hugged so many Muslims. You've never hugged anyone. I've hugged a Muslim. A son of mine. Not a Muslim, I think.

Just Indian. No, I think he's raised Muslim. Is he? Yeah, yeah. I was real nervous for a second, though. I was about to be like, uh-oh. Bear in mind that your only way of not feeling nervous is you're trusting Tom to know the information. Yeah, he's either Muslim or Sri Lankan.

Those are such different things. Yeah. Right. He's either Catholic or he's from Asgard. Yeah, this guy is either Zoroastrianist or a skunk. Yeah, I forget if this guy is a serial rapist or if he owns a hat. Isn't Asgard, that's like the Pope lion. That's pretty much what that book's about.

No, that's Aslan. Asgard is where Thor lives. Asgard is where Thor lives. Aslan is a lion from a book. Can we play this game, you fucking assholes? Podcast's over. Last episode. For the love of God, we put out our stupid fucking naked roast on Comedy Central.

I didn't put out anything. They put it out. I just put my heart on the line. That's all I did. And it was a phenomenal match. So this game is really easy. I found't put out anything. I just put my heart on the line. That's all I did. And it was a phenomenal match. So this game is really easy. I found some comments from YouTube. We just have to decide if these are comments from our Naked Rose battle or the trailer for the Netflix special

Nanette. Do very similar pieces of entertainment. Yeah. I use my comedic voice to fight the negative powers of the world. Yeah. You know. Having a bad time. The textile industry. Fat bisexuals.

I'm trying to take them down. Ah, yes, us. The most oppressive force. The cabal that's been running the world. The real fucking build-your-own-burger group. It's so fucking funny, dude. The Illuminati. The Illuminum Noddy. The Illuminum Noddy.

Hannah Gadsby doesn't show her dick in this, right? I don't think so. No, she just shows her emotional scars or something. I still haven't seen it. Yeah, I haven't either. Shut up, all of you. I'm sure it's fine. I don't fucking care.

I don't know. I actually did watch it. I did this crazy thing where when it seems like I'm not going to be interested in a piece of media, I just say, God bless, and I avoid it. Yeah. That's a great move. I thought. Impossible.

Yeah. My honest opinion on it, B plus one man show, I thought it was very, or one woman show. I thought it was like, there's some very interesting shit in there. I thought it was a complete failure of a comedy special. It was not a comedy special. Right. Didn't seem like she really was making a comedy. The comedy, she did stand up for the first half of it, and the stand up

is dog shit. She made some very artistic choices. She just shouldn't have called it a comedy special. Totally. And to be fair, I don't know that she did. It seemed like Netflix kind of did. And I feel like most of the criticism I hear about her is just comics. She's like, nah, she should do fucking standup, like Bill Burr or Bill Burr.

Why isn't she Bill Burr? One of my problems with what she did is she really like, I feel like she really talked down the art form and combined her personal opinions with just like as blanket facts about something. That's literally the definition of comedy. Like, well, no,

I mean, I read, but it wasn't, she wasn't really, I read like, or art in general is stating an opinion as there was like a piece where she was kind of like talking about her opinions on comedy and i just i disagree with a lot of the points she made in it but i don't

fucking care like i'm sure yeah i'm sure it's changing it's like and look i get like i understand if terrible shit's happening to you and you're like oh you have a voice and you're not using it to fight evil and it's like do i think nate bargatze is evil because he does jokes about buffets or what the fuck it's like just people do different things and that's okay it's okay to just be it's okay to be empty calories you know you know not everything has to be fucking deep and connected sometimes it can just be like hey here's a podcast about what would be like to molest the pokemon hope that got you through your bike messenger shift. Yeah, yeah. Gotta hurt them all. Her whole thing is any... Jack them off.

Any joke. I think we already did that exactly. I think so, yeah. Even if it's punching up or down, any joke about... The Atkins is really eating its own tail at this point. Yeah, the fucking oral Boris. Anyway, I refuse to have a conversation about comedy on this fucking show. No, yeah, I'm sorry to cut you off.

No, no, no. She was an interesting lesbian. Lesbian of note. You said that shit like you had a... What do you call those little things where you measure the skull? A phrenometer or something? Oh, a phrenometer.

I know what you... A caliper. Calipers, yeah. And you're like, I'm very curious. Quite a quizzical clam digger, if ever there was one. A quizzical clam digger, Bazooka Logistics.

I don't know. I got so many options here. The point is, Nanette and our Naked Rose battle could not be more opposite, but a lot of the sentiments in the comment section are very similar. So I'm going to read the comments. You guys guess which one you think it is. Number one, simply in all caps, YUCK. Oh, that's got to be us.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, honestly, probably both, but I think this one is you guys. Sadly, I looked for one that was both, and the only one I found that was definitely both was Kill Yourself. Oh, hell yeah. The great answer, that is Nanette. That's like the second comment.

Man, that's fucking rude. Number two, quote, bad jokes, ugly body. Here's the problem. I guess Nanette, I look like a real asshole, but I gotta think that's Nanette. If you're trying to describe Minor Key's body,

way more evocative shit than ugly comes to mind. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although you really, from what I remember of her outfit in that special, it's not very revealing. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although you really, from what I remember of her outfit in that special, it's not very revealing. No, yeah, yeah,

she's not showing off the goods at her, you know, I got raped party hour. Yeah, yeah. Like... Yeah. That's actually

the Japanese translation of Nanette. It's Hannah Gadsby. I got raped party hour. Australia, rape lady party time. Number one. On Netflix.

There you go. Whatever. Here's the problem is, whoever this is directed at, you two or Hannah, it's like the most hurtful thing you could do. Like, fucking, you're gross after doing those jokes. Yeah. It says it's hurtful either way. I'm going to say it's for you two.

That is for me and Connor. Yay! How do you like that? Logic is sound. Number three, that fat guy doesn't seem very Connor. Hey. How do you like that? Logic is sound. Number three. That fat guy doesn't seem very funny. Ooh. I'm going net-net again.

Oh, fuck. This reeks of internet guy trying to be clever. I think it's pretty clever. I don't think anyone can watch that battle and say that there's nothing funny about that fat guy. Oh, yeah. Everything about how fat I was is hilarious. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the fatness is funny. The jokes fat guy. Oh, yeah. Everything about how fat I was is hilarious. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the fatness is funny. The jokes are funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole package is amusing, you know? Yeah, I got a lot going on. Yeah, it's really just a big fucking bouillon cube of entertainment. You break it down. You just drop them in a jacuzzi, and you've got a whole fun stew of delightful media options. Chuffle soup. I'm a...

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I forgot I snorted a bouillon cube because they told me soup would make my throat feel better. I was trying to make it more fast acting. Bouillon cubes. That's what Captain America gets from the Red Skull. Yeah, that's what old people call tits. Yeah, they used to be square back in the day.

Man, remember back when the world was in black and white and tits were square? Yeah, we didn't unlock circle tits until we beat Hitler. You know, they actually have square tits in Japan, so they fit in the refrigerator better. Oh, that's smart. Yeah, so they get their nipples hard and they can more effectively tease the squid. What a goofy and efficient people. Yeah. I never saw square tits in Japan.

Okay. Well, you were a kid. They weren't showing them to you. Yeah. They were very noble people. They're not fucking gross. They're not pedophiles like we have here in America. Yeah, you got a kid. They weren't showing them to you. They were very noble people. They're not fucking gross. They're not pedophiles like we have here in America. Yeah, you gotta be over 18 or a squid. Yeah, where everyone's fucking moral compass is all

clogged with Wendy's rappers. Nanette. Good call. You're correct. It's Nanette. Hell yeah. Yeah, you're both correct. Number four. I've heard this show is the future of comedy, and if it is, I'm fucking out, dude. Is that Rose Battle or Nanette? I think that's Nanette again. I don't think anyone's calling Rose Battle the future of comedy and if it is I'm fucking out dude is that Rose Battle or Nanette I think that's

Nanette again I don't think anyone's calling Rose Battle the future of comedy no I've heard people say that sure seems like Rose Battle

likes to call it that sometimes yeah yeah yeah not shitting on Rose Battle the only thing that's given me anything resembling a career

god forbid I mock mockery the show yeah yeah I think it's a beautiful show but I mean I just I feel like that's not something I would see in a comment on the show. Right. I would see in like an article written by someone who loves the show. So I got I got to figure that's then that because that was the whole that was the whole fucking discussion.

Right. I was like, this is what everything has to be. Chris D'Elia should be talking about getting raped While he also says he looks like an eagle Or he's cancelled I want the ghost of Patrice O'Neil To do 90 minutes about respecting women Man, I fucking love women, dude

Yeah, man, they're great That's it, goodbye They're good for That's it. Goodbye. They're good for so much more besides sex. How funny would it be if Patrice was still alive and became dreads? I think he'd make a very interesting trade. That'd be amazing. He wouldn't even have to change his name. Fuck.

I'm going to say Rose Battle. That is Nanette. Yeah. All right. This one I thought was pretty funny. Quote, don't let this lame shit be a thing that is ever done again. Oh, it's got to be us. Yeah.

Yeah, it's got to be a naked Rose Battle comment. I'm leading to you guys. People are really mad. It's interesting how many people were mad that you guys had penises. Like the number two comment that I saw over and over again was like, this is like idiocracy. Yeah, it's like, shut up. And I was like, really? It's like that show where they're getting hit in the nuts, but it's a show about owning your flaws in front of a live audience where there's a lot of complex joke writing and fucking improvisation going on.

Yeah, it's like, we're not dumb. You're too dumb because you couldn't listen. It's like idiocracy. You do it then. Yeah. If you can't do it, suck my little ass dick. Thank you very much. Yeah.

And it's also like, why are they made like you guys were pixelated like they they're not seeing your penis. Well, the number one comment was it said uncensored, but I don't see their butt. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you can see the butt. Yeah. I don't see their balls.

I want to see ball. Where are their ball? They want growth. I got a shout out balls. I want to see balls. Where are their balls? I want scrotes. I got a shout out to the one. I just want a big, juicy scrote. Shout out to the many horny gentlemen in my DMs who asked if they could see the uncensored version, to which I said, ha ha, thanks, no. And shout out to the one man who tweeted something to the effect of, you're sexy as fuck. If you're interested in gay, disabled Mexican men, hit me up.

You got to tweet that to you? Yeah, to which I say, I'm good, champ. Not because of any of those I'm spoken for. Yeah, yeah. Godspeed. Oh, that's why. Or otherwise, you'd be like, oh, yeah, back your hub around in and out of me. Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't go to his Twitter and go,

what kind of disabled are we talking about here, champ? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that seems right up your alley, honestly. Does it? Don't you like people with missing like, missing arms and shit? I don't dislike them. I think Keith just wants a handy cap space

so he doesn't have to walk more than eight feet to get into the Chili's. He can walk over eight feet. I liked watching you hiccup through that half-dick joke. That was a fully-dicked joke.

That was it. I'm just exhausted from all of the quick-witted ways I called you fat earlier. And I think it's common if it's about your guys' dick. I'm out of breath from patting myself ways I called you fat earlier. It wore down my stamina.

I'm out of breath from patting myself on the back for seven years. I'm so good at it. It's just, it's tiring. It's like, you think LeBron wakes up every day and goes, oh boy, basketball's a good I guess I gotta go be the best, you know? Yeah, it was us. Alright, two more. Quote, I'm gay and so is this.

That's gotta be Nanette. Tim Dillon left that comment. Yeah, I kind of... You know it's not gay Wendy's in the 90s. All right, bring back the Monterey chicken sandwich. I want my chili with a finger in it. I'm going to go with... The old Jack in the Box fries were a war crime.

Whatever. Whoever took away the McRib should be executed at the Hague. Yeah, so his obscure geopolitical punishment... Tim Dillon is going to Arby's. I'm going to net. That would be in the net.

Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah, I know. I know, Tom. Tom's very offended you're not scoring this very serious game. And the last one, quote, shut the fuck up with your faux intellectual analysis. Oh, I know the answer. Yeah, I know you do. I do like, this does make me miss the soundboard.

Shut the fuck up, Batman. Where are the turtles? Yeah, that's the soundboard. You know that shitty joke you did earlier? Yeah. Oh, that's the soundboard. We heard your shitty joke you did earlier. Yeah. Oh, there's a tortoise. Man, I like the idea of Sam Jackson getting a boner and just going, Erectamundo. That's pretty fun.

I'm going roast battle. That is a roast battle, and that is a comment left by Connor. Oh, yeah. While shouting down every single negative commenter. What was it again? I was on a Greyhound bus in a fucking alaska flight just like i'm gonna fight every person in the comments i'll just see what happens when you do that because i thought it'd be funny yeah and it was great because it was like very like like

the most childish shit i thought like the first thing i thought of that was just dumb as possible i would just type misspelled and poorly and hit send and all the meme boys listeners or whatever came in and started liking all my comments because i was posting about it so it's like all these people like hating you know two likes and then they're just getting dunked on by some idiot going i'll be you suck my fucking nards loser you know so it was just very it was very gratifying shit fuck lord so thanks for that i was glad everyone got a kick out of that yeah oh i enjoyed i looked at all of your stories while that was happening on Instagram. Thanks, man.

That was great. Well, that was Nanette or Not. We'll throw to some other bullshit, and we'll be back with the Mean Boys mailbag right after this. Whoosh! Welcome to Mean Boys Action News, Channel 66, with your anchor Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden. Sports by Tom Goss. Weather by Tom Goss. On the field reporter Tom Goss and health and fitness by the Fudge Lord. Hello I'm Connor McSpadden and I'm Keith Carey. A church

in Philadelphia is using sports to fulfill its mission but more on that later let's go to Tom Goss with sports. Tom? Yeah so this morning I tried to golf at the school and I swung at the ball, but a gopher popped out of his ground house when I swung. I tried to find the head to reattach it, but I couldn't find the head, so I guess that means I'm good at golf. Cool, man. It's been hot out, hasn't it, Connor? Yeah, sure has. I can always tell that temperature by how wet you look.

You're fat. Yeah, fucking cool. Whatever, man. Yeah, I'm saying you sweat more when it's hot because you're profoundly fucking unhealthy. Yeah, I got it. No one didn't get it. Let's throw to Tom with the weather. Okay, so I'm standing in front of all of America.

It looks like we're being invaded by orange. It keeps repeating. I don't know if that means orange is retreating then attacking again a bunch or if the planet is just a scratch cd okay you know what let's uh let's give tom a break and go to something else for a minute yeah as someone who is healthy i think we should throw to health and fitness okay yeah you're healthy do you count carbs because you're trying to stay in shape or because you're autistic you tall drink a cum uh yeah no you have a fucking you can't count anything you're fucking you're stupid that's real good drinking cum? Yeah, no, you can't count anything. You're stupid.

That's real good. Yeah, alright. Here's the fucking fudge lord. Everyone loves him. I am the fudge lord. All hail the fudge. One pound of fudge has more protein than one pound of meat or chicken. You cannot prove this is false. Therefore,

it is true. I am the fudge lord. Thank you, fudge lord. Therefore, it is true. I am the Fudge Lord. Thank you, Fudge Lord. Alright, uh, fucking Aretha Franklin died today in her Detroit home. Very tragic. What happened to Aretha? Did you and your polo shirt pals have a tiki torch barbecue out in Detroit?

Oh yeah, I thought you beat me there because Detroit's covered in potholes and I figured you tried jogging for the first time in your adult fucking life. More on this terrible tragedy right now. Let's go to the field with our on the scene reporter, Tom Goss. Tom. Tom. Tom, are you there?

Oh, sorry. I had to get really still because my earplug was talking to me and their sight is based off of movement. Yeah. What you're thinking of is dinosaurs, dipshit. No, you're thinking of a mirror. Could you please describe the scene behind you, Tom? Yes, of course.

It's not in front of me, so I'll have to turn around. Yeah, Tom, that's a fucking directions and vision and earthworks. Semantics. So here we are at Urethra Franklin's house, composer of songs featured on Daddy Daycare, starring Eddie Murphy and that kid from Remember the Titans. It's a beautiful story about how a man is being a bodyguard for some little girl out in Mexico.

Then she gets kidnapped, so he fires a rocket up a man's ass. Then he finds out the girl's dad is the one who hired the kidnappers, and that's when he says, Daddy Daycare. I was thinking of Man on Fire. That was Man on Fire. I do not know the connection between Daddy Daycare and Man on Fire Besides they both have children in it Keith, what am I doing here again?

Aretha Franklin, Tom You insisted we do the news Could you focus on the news about Aretha Franklin? Yes, of course She is dead Yeah, we fucking know, Tom How did she die? Well, Keith, she stopped living.

Why, Tom? It's your job to tell us why here. Oh, she had pancreatic cancer in her house and outside of her house, but she died inside her house, so that's all that matters. My grandpa died of pancreatic cancer, and so do a lot of dogs, funny enough. The good news is her pancreatic cancer did not spread to the rest of the house. Tom, you fucking idiot. What did the scene look like?

Paint a picture. You're a fucking reporter. You know, I gotta be honest, I went to the wrong Detroit. This Detroit is also known as Mykonos, Greece. Apparently Matthew McConaughey hangs out here and he doesn't look so bummed about Aretha Franklin. Alright, yeah, we got it from here, man. Yeah, thanks, Greece. Apparently Matthew McConaughey hangs out here, and he doesn't look so bummed about Aretha Franklin. All right.

Yeah, we got it from here, man. Yeah, thanks, Tom. Up next on Mean Boys Action News, an in-depth report on how Tom Goss can't read dialogue even though he wrote it. More after this message. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is back. Back. And it's time to dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. That was the jingle. Thank you, Andrew Hillary. Andrew Hillary hit me up about something earlier.

I forget what it was. I like Andrew Hillary. Yeah, I I forget what it was I love Andrew Hillary One of our favorite listeners Oh yeah he sent me an emoji I didn't have And he told me to update it so I can get the merman emoji What? And I was like okay Cool man

Thanks for the jingle That was the news of Rollick What? What? The news of what? The rollicking news. Anyway, follow us on Twitter if you don't already, at Mean Boys Podcast. Yeah, so Connor, do you need these iPhone 5 cases or not?

I don't know where the idea that I need an iPhone 5 case came from. Yeah, it's a weird thing that's popped up somehow. I don't know if you riffed that or something, that you didn't have a phone case. I thought that maybe there was a picture that was taken by a phone that looked cracked, and they were like, well, do you need a case, Connor? I didn't take the picture or something. I have an iPhone 6S and I have a case, but just to have the little magnetic

thing to put on my car mount. I'm good on iPhone 5 cases, but thank you. I'll take one. Yeah, send one to Tom. I have a lot of photos with no case on the phone. Yeah. For sure. Connor just pissed out all the momentum we had.

No, sometimes you say something and I'm just like, it makes so little sense. I don't even know how to Oh boys, I do verbal Aikido. It's not even worth walking down the trail we'd have to go down to beat you to death.

All you martial artists get why that makes sense. Yes, all you aspiring ninjas listening. Yeah, like the one Mexican guy in Chicago and presumably others. What was that guy's name? That guy was awesome. Oh, he was great. I think it was Kung Fu Hernandez or some such nonsense. Yeah, it was a jiu-jitsu guy.

I think it was like Adam or something. Something like that. Anyway, Harry Moore writes, Hey, guys, with your increased increased success lol uh do you ever see yourselves no longer doing the podcast because you don't have time it'd be a shame but ultimately understandable i don't know i don't really think that far ahead maybe someday but i mean i imagine i would i would want it to end if over get like shitty and boring you know yeah yeah i'm with that 100 so if it gets to a point where it's like you know know, like the John Stewart Daily Show was great.

I love that show. But it's like he did 10 years and he's like, I'm getting bored. You know? Yeah. And if I think we're not having fun doing it and people aren't stoked listening to it, I think then we would consider ending it. You know? Yeah.

I like. I figure. Well, I think we got at least 300 episodes. Minimum. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, this is genuinely my favorite part of the week is recording these shows with

you guys. I love doing it. I mean, like the community of favorite part of the week Is recording these shows with you guys I love doing it I mean, like, the community of people And, you know, just like, you know Just seeing you guys funny Like, it's great, it's awesome It's the coolest thing ever, so And we do keep getting busier and busier

I hope, like, if we have to I'd rather do it less Like, if it got to the point where we could Yeah Even if it was just once a month We did a Mean Boys episode I know, you know what I mean? Like, I'm talking years and years and years.

And also, I like, you know, people are traveling or whatever. It's like it's fun to bring in the extended universe characters in and do that whole thing. Yeah. You know, Nicole or Ramsey or Kyle or Slade or whoever. At some point, maybe we quit. Yeah, maybe. But that point is a long way off. Don't worry.

Mom and your daddy aren't getting divorced until, you know, anal stops being exciting. There we go. And it's still pretty fun. Yeah. Are we in the anal stages? We started in the anal stages. Yeah, we went from anal. We just got into kissing recently.

Yeah, we fucking pro-epsed on the first date with this show, man. Yeah, yeah. Butt somersaults. Man, this shit. He said that like, butt somersaults, P.I. This summer on ABC. Private butt. like, butt Somersault, P.I. This summer on ABC. Private butt. He's butt cracking the case wide open.

This has been like a good old fashioned Mean Boys. Somersault. Are mean to each other fest. Yeah. Listen to the early episodes. If you want to hear some real fucking tense broadcasting. Yeah, well, I think. The three men just like a Mexican standoff.

Sometimes the show fluctuates where I think we're so nice to each other that it stops being mean boys occasionally. Yeah, yeah. We're just like two good bros. So, yeah, today felt good and hostile in every single direction. I'm like the lube on the butt. Yeah, yeah, just unnecessary and just like way too long with the bits. You have veiny feet. Thank you.

Oh, you do have veiny feet, my dude. Yeah, guys. It's because I've already discussed the vasculating properties of sugar. Yeah, that's why you're so tough, because of your 90-year-old woman feet. I never said I was tough. I just said I looked good. Yeah, because of your 90-year-old woman feet. I'm tough to say no to.

Your feet look like they belong to a nine-foot grandma. Oh, I know. I don't like... Oh, God, when you flex your toes up, there's so many weird po i'm fucking i'm fucking irish guys this is what every irish foot looks like no i've seen irish feet i love that your veins loop around your ankle like it's a testicle like it looks very like yeah the entire lower half of my body's a fucking zombified potato dude like it's like it stinks sorry we said nice twice and i had to i had to find something dicks about your feet.

Oh, yeah. I guess I'm not that insecure, because I figure no one really looks at him. That's true. My legs I'm insecure about. I love every part of you, Connor, even your disgusting feet. All of Tom is gay for all of me. He's so gay, and he's retarded. With his perfect something something.

Retarded. I was in Plentywood, Montana, and this 300-pound woman had that as her ringtone outside of the bar. And I had to excuse myself to laugh uproariously. Hysterically. Really? All of you? That's a full-time job loving all of you, lady. All of you?

How many wheelbarrows did that take? Yeah, yeah. Did he have to make two trips to love all of you? He set a base camp at the belly button. Try again in the morning. The picture of us naked on stage. We're fucking Tom's head between our dicks while we're hugging. Oh, it's so funny.

Some guy said, keep this photo from when the SJWs come for you for being homophobic. I am really looking forward to the Mean Boys think piece dropping and then just tweeting 800 pictures of us doing aggressively. Yeah. Oh, vicious homophobic. I am really looking forward to the Mean Boys think piece dropping and then just tweeting 800 pictures of us doing aggressively. Oh, vicious homophobes. The Mean Boys. Picture here in drag doing a fundraiser for the Southern Poverty Law Center. Hate minority. Yeah, you don't think I have a picture of a dick in my mouth

that I'm keeping in the chamber in case shit gets real? I was hanging out with a gay friend, and I was telling him, like, I think Conner's bi. And they were like, why? I'm like, well, he makes out with a lot of dudes like well those are for bits right i'm like yeah well like is he comfortable i'm like here look at these photos like yeah cotter's very comfortable i i wish i was i mean you don't think i'm running out of shit to talk about about straight sex in my act if i had a whole other avenue to go down and it's like I know I will tell you genuinely you kiss like you're fine

with it like I'm just it's not gross to me but it's no I get I'm so in no way arousing to me we're not like I try and turn you gay I know I know I just like I can compartmentalize intellectually it's like well your mouth is has the same properties as a woman's mouth and like this isn't like you know it's also like it's

funnier if you're into it you yeah but it's just i wish it like rung any kind of bell for me sexually it just it does not i mean i think i'm wherever on the kinsey seagull where i'm not repulsed by it you know like kissing at least like gay sex will still give me kind of like a you know just kind of like yeah like it's like you know it's just it's visually startling to look at as i imagine straight sex is to you if you're gay you know it's like if you're if you're a west hollywood queen i don't think you want to see a fucking wet ass pussy you're like oh yikes you know when i see like you know i checked the ramsey pornhub video and i see the gay thumbnails on the side and i'm just like oh my god that guy's it's worth seeing a bald dude with like a dick in

his ass he's got like the horseshit. Not like these good, acceptable, like weird octopus monster fucking a lady video game ads on straight porn. Oh, yeah. I mean, those are just funny. I get it. Yeah, yeah. Just your mouth is bi. I guess. Hey, mine too.

When's your next planned tour to come to Philadelphia? Nothing on the books right now. We'll be back soon. We're working on a big southern tour right now. So especially if you live in the south. But if you live anywhere, fill out a tour sheet so and uh yeah we'll we'll come back we'll try to go everywhere like once a year like i'd like to you know yeah i kind of would like to do yeah similar thing to what we did last year like going like the spring oh totally yeah i mean

that's like you know what you want to do as a comedian is just like do the same markets every year but bigger and bigger every time you know and well if you got a stand-up show last time we'll try to give you a live podcast or whatever and sort of figure it out. Move Philadelphia to the south and we'll be there soon. Easy enough. Have Ryan Colby. Oh, yeah, we met Ryan Colby. Both the Ryans were awesome.

I was starstruck to meet Ryan Colby. Ryan Colby's a fucking G. He made us a goodie bag. He gave us some Alpha Brain. He asked if any of the Mean Boys tried the Alpha Brain yet get any vivid dreams or have any memorable says scary slash fun dreams ever I took a couple alpha brains. They haven't had any dreams really. Yeah, they do. They said they do fuck with lucid dreams Have you been coming a lot? I've been jerking off a tremendous amount. Yeah, if you come a lot you that's bad for like dreaming And lucid dreaming. That's fine. I don't like dreaming. I generally don't either because I

Love coming. I didn't jack off for a long time, you know, and then then i started getting dreams again yeah and you like you really got to pull all the nightmares out of your balls yeah this is like the the easiest either or i've ever had like i can come right to dream oh you can eat a sandwich you can go to church like i was i was all into like weird metaphysical shit like like like astral projection and lucid dreaming when i was like a like a 10 or 11 year old you know and i was reading about that on geocities pages and I was reading this article and it was corroborated pretty thoroughly and from my own anecdotal experience that the more you jack off the less you dream.

So you're like literally coming imagination out of you. It's like that fucking Harry Potter thing where they pull your memory out with the stick. Which even kind of looks like cum. What about sex? What about it? Oh, well just orgasming in general. I don't think it matters how you get the load out of it.

I think they just assumed on the websites I was going on that no one that is reading about the city is fucking, so stop jacking off. I took, yeah, I took one. I also took one of those fucking gummies and... Holy shit. He said fucking gummy like that was some kind of racial slur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking gummies moving into our neighborhood. Connor went to sleep.

Open up those carts that sell... You know what kind of food they sell. This way you can just decide whatever race you think gummies would be. Fruit and salt should be separate. End of story. Yeah, Connor went to sleep for this, but I first took that gummy and then tried to buy an airline ticket. Oh, dude, yeah. I heard that it took you like two hours to book a flight.

I don't know how long it actually took. It felt like seven years trying to buy that airline ticket. Well, yeah, I'm laying on the floor. Literally, I can't go to sleep until I know Thomas bought his airplane ticket because he's fucking weaponized high. Yeah. And he's like, okay, I'm going to throw it right now. And I'm watching him just slap errantly at a keyboard. yeah well yeah he's he thinks he's typing but he's just looking at an open pizza box he looks like a child pretending to like i'm daddy at work like

and i like fucking sit there for easily 45 minutes just trying not to pass out i'm just like hey buddy did you get your ticket and he just. And I look, and he is still on the kayak. Type in what city you're going to, idiot page. Oh, that's so funny. I was destroyed. I went to the bathroom. I was like, oh, fuck. My eyes look like Satan's balls right now.

They were so goddamn red. You prolapsed your fucking ocular glands with marijuana. Oh, I want to try something. Hang on. Tom is attempting to stand. What? Tom is laying on his stomach. Oh, I want to try something. Hang on. Tom is. I don't, okay. Attempting to stand, what? Tom is laying on his stomach. Oh, this is great.

All right, well, I'm taking a picture of this because you are currently podcasting. Like, we're talking about boys at a fucking sleepover. Tom's laying on his little stomach. Are you there, God? It's me, Tom. Hey, guys. Hi. Man, we're adorable. Yeah, we're pretty adorkable. So, yeah. Oh, Man, we're adorable.

Yeah, we're pretty adorkable. Oh, this is so much better. My stomach feels like... Dude, why haven't we been podcasting with this forever? In summation, right, Colby, the Alpha Brain was great. Yeah, thank you for all that shit. Your entire gift bag was a treat. Yeah, and I'll have you know Tom ate all of the candy.

Yeah, sorry about that. Not the weed candy, the regular candy. Yeah, no, I had like eight Reese's Pieces, and then Tom was like, yeah, I'm going to keep eating them if you might want to get in here. Yeah, that was one of the candy. Yeah, sorry about that. Not the weed candy, the regular candy. Yeah, no, I had like eight Reese's Pieces, and then Tom was like, yeah, I'm going to keep eating them if you might want to get in here. That was the Tom movie. He's just funneling fucking Sour Patch Kids into him. His stomach is the Underground Railroad, and he's leading him to freedom. And he just keeps looking over at me like, you want a Sour? You can Sour.

And I'm like, no, Tom, I'm good. He's like, okay. I was the Harriet Tubman of stuff you sneak into the movie theater. I got him to the north, a.k.a. my butt, which is very valuable if you haven't listened to the first part of the show. He was looking at me guilty and then stopping. He wants to say something, but he can't bring himself to him. I'm like, what's going on, Tom? He goes, there's one Twix left, and I ate two already, and I know I should give it to you, so I'm gonna, but I don't want to.

Yeah. Here's the thing. I don't think I've ever had Sour Patch Kids until I got high and had Sour Patch Kids. Yeah. They're amazing. Yeah, wow. Yeah, they're good if you're high. They're not great in general.

Sour Patch Kids is phenomenal high. But Sour Patch Kids are not sour enough. Yeah. Sour Skittles are the best high food. It's like when they're like, hey, we're going to give you the hot sauce at Chipotle, and it's just mild. Yeah, you're white as bullshit. The Sour Patch Kids are the Chipotle. Yeah, the Chipotle is also sourness.

Like a Warhead. That's some fucking habanero taco truck shit. A Warhead isn't even candy. It's like an Indian sweat lodge for your mouth. It's a fucking attack. Yeah. It's depleted uranium. You will hurt and then you will learn.

Yeah, yeah. This is the dark truth of the warhead. Oh, dude, I fucking love warheads. Those shits are ridiculous. I like strong flavors. My dad puts scorpion peppers in his pasta sauce. It's very... I feel like you just threw a scorpion in a thing of ragu.

That's a live scorpion fighting his way out of a swamp of fucking tomato sauce. Scorpion peppers. Sounds like it should be something so terrible. Yeah, it's killed people. Scorpion peppers are what Native Americans call hemorrhoids. Hell yeah. That's so funny. For many moments, the scorpion peppers have...

Sweat out your scorpion peppers. Torn us under our buttholes. Our gross Indian buttholes. That's right. We call ourselves Indians. The Great Spirit says, you're bleeding on my saddle again. Getting ahead of the curve on this one. I think I played the Indian, or God damn it, the scorpion pepper slot at the Indian casino

on New Year's, and I won some good money on that. I played the Indian slot at the scorpion pepper casino. Yeah, the scorpion pepper slot is just the butthole of somebody with chlamydia, I think. All right, what do we got? We got a what's a band slash film slash show slash whatever

you got put onto by an ex. And also, for real, what shoes does Connor have on in this video? That's the naked roast. And guys, thank you for asking. I'm wearing my Adidas tubulars

I got from Ross. I know a lot of this tubular stuff, the strap I find a bit gaudy. I think it's cool. I don't think I can pull it off. I forget the exact name of it. But Adidas tubular, whatever they are, they're fucking awesome. I love from Ross. I know a lot of this tubular stuff. The strap I find a bit gaudy. I think it's cool. I don't think I can pull it off. I forget the exact name of it. But Adidas tubular, whatever they are, they're fucking awesome.

I love those shoes. Yeah, I thought you'd be excited about that. What is it, a movie or some piece of media? An X-turn you want to do? Yeah. I'm trying to think of a good one. I guess The Smiths? Yeah, there was a gal I was seeing for a little bit

who got me watching the show Garth Marenghi's Dark Place Have you ever seen that? No It's like a six episode thing they did on the BBC It's like if you're making fun of a British sitcom That's what you call it What it is is it's like a show within a show About this fake Stephen King type character

Who's just a coke addict Narcissist psycho And it's this show he supposedly made in the 80s But they're cutting back and forth Interviews with him now There's a whole meta plot to it it's so fucking funny there's like six episodes of it on youtube it's i promise you'll love it okay watch the first episode of dark place i think you guys i think tom especially you'll really like it i'm trying a lot of my exes have really bad fucking taste in media yeah same or like generally when i just i

just we don't like any of the same shit yeah generally anyone generally anyone I date... I've gotten them into some great stuff. About 80% of the reason I date anybody is that I'm just like, oh, you like the stuff I already like, which means you're smart, because I'm an asshole. Oh, yeah. That's never been that important. That's never really mattered to me for whatever reason. Yeah.

Most recently, least recent, Sicario breaking bad Instagram. Instagram. You carry a whole platform of existence. That's like saying, like, she got me into... Sicario breaking bad Instagram. Instagram. A whole platform of existence. That's like saying she got me into it. So it's such a ubiquitous part of modern life. She got me into triangles. Yeah.

She really got me into using roads and bridges. Like, how did you go anywhere? Yeah, I was more. I went around more of a swim and pray kind of guy. But you can go through the dirt pass if you really try hard. Yeah, she very much wanted me to have an Instagram. And I was like, I don't like photos. And she was like, well, too bad you're getting one.

And now I Instagram. Yeah, Tom's Instagram's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of nonsense. I didn't even get into the Smiths until recently. And I had nothing to do with that girl. So I'm going to say nothing. I don't think they've ever showed me anything I've, yeah. And I didn't even get into The Smiths until recently, and I had nothing to do with that girl. So I'm going to say nothing. I don't think they've ever showed me anything I've ever liked.

Oh, my current girlfriend got me into this chick, Angel Olsen, who's like a singer. If you're into, like, Rilo Kylie or, like, the A.A.A.s, like, kind of, like, chick-fronted, like, modern, like, alt-rock shit, it's pretty good. Gotcha. I say hi. Give me bad life advice. I'm about to start my senior year of college, and it won't be long before I'm a broke adult who has gained an undergrad degree but has not yet gained a purpose. Continue listening to our show for bad advice. Yeah.

Bad advice. I don't know, man. Fucking, you're going to die. Leave your chips on the table. Try to do what you want to do, at least. Give it a shot. Yeah. So if it goes bad, you can be like, no, I'm an accountant.

But it's like, yeah, it turns out I didn't actually want to be yeah like a weird celebrity pastry chef like if you want to be a celebrity pastry chef make an instagram for your pastries bitch like just fucking like it's not you know make reasonable choices make good choices but also at the end of the day do the thing you want to do now and don't push that aside a million and one times because of what you want to maybe do 10 years from now yeah i ruined my life for what six years and and i haven't reaped any real tangible rewards outside of the metaphysical the happiness and memories until like two and a half months ago right you know imagine if i started this when i was like 35 like and i know people who haven't it's a fucking hard life. It's fucking impossible.

It's just like, yeah, just fucking go do it. Yeah, whatever seems rad to you, just go fucking do it because you could get hit by a truck. Yeah, exactly. Punch a truck. And as for some bad advice. Oh, yeah. Here's some bad advice. Go check out the Mean Boys Discord that Alexis Filth has made.

Yeah, it's like a chat room, I guess, where you can hang out with other Mean Boys peeps and play video games and talk about all kinds of shit. So people are recommending porn and stuff in there. I haven't looked at it very much. Yeah, go on the Discord and the subreddit and get involved in the community, because honestly, I've really not met a mean, bad fan. No, yeah, pretty much all our fans are dope.

Yeah. By the way, the guy i think you guys were talking about in philadelphia oh yeah yeah we gotta talk about this oh yeah it was just like i was really drunk my bad i didn't mean to fucking yeah the guy who you said it is the worst fan experience of all time he's like but he also he took it he took it in straight yeah yeah yeah i mean the fact he was like i assume it was me makes me figure that that's who you guys were talking about. I assume as much as well.

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was nothing but cool to me. Yeah. But yeah, he apologizes for being a drunken nightmare. Oh, it's all good, man.

And also, he took it out of the chin. He was making fun of himself with it. He's a good guy. I think you guys just maybe caught a bad moment of him being drunk or something. Very possible. Yeah, and I say this not just because I'm a crassly-minded businessman at times, and obviously it looks good for us to have a thriving community of people discussing elements related to the show. And I thought, oh, yeah, that's probably why I'll be into this whole subreddit thing.

And then watching, I'm like, oh, this is just people that like the same kind of things, hanging out. It's kind of fun. i think about like when i was a good time and it's like this is the kind of thing that i enjoy and it's okay to like you know yeah like not saying you guys are losers but i remember being like a sad kid on the internet and like you know making friends on like the quentin tarantino forum oh yeah yeah we both like this thing and now we can just talk about other stuff oh yeah i mean yeah my buddy from the that i played a gecki sand on beyond you. Yeah, like shit like that. Yeah, I don't.

Oh, the funny story about that guy, really quick. Yeah, we were both the same age, and then he got a girlfriend and then stopped going on Beyond, so I just don't know what happened to him anymore. That was fun. Yeah. I remember, like, slowly putting the pieces together and being like, oh, pussy. Yeah. Ah, yes, the anti-me.

Yeah, you don't want to play Game Boy Advance graphics, Dragon Ball Z, MMOs with me, your buddy Connor on dial-up in 2005. Coming in late. It seems pretty gay to me, dude. Tom, you had something to say before we get to the voice mail? Oh, I forgot while I was saying it. Ah, cool. So it must have been important. Oh, sorry.

All right, well, we got some voicemails here. Let's take a listen. Hey, Mean Boys. Just calling back regarding a phone call I left a while ago. Just regarding my test results about the whole nut cancer thing. All right, your tone is not encouraging here, guy. Oh, man, I forgot about nut cancer, guy. I'm really praying for you, nut cancer guy.

I don't know if you were there or not, but, yeah, somebody called in and was like, I'm in the lobby to find out if I have nut cancer. Oh. Oh, boy. All right. Continue. Just in case anyone was waiting on bated breath whether I lived or died. So, good news.

Nothing's killing me. Hey. Yay. Whatever the hell it was, it's cancer-free. I don't have cancerous nuts. I just got weird ones, which I'll take that. Hey, buddy, your nuts have character. Yeah, your nuts have pizzazz.

A lot of young men would kill to have some goofy nuts. They're a conversation piece. You got macadamias. Oh. You got a Van Gogh ball sack, and that's pretty great. Thank you guys for the sort of support and

making fun of me while I waited for that shit to come through. Very happy with the result. Yeah. Happy to keep listening, and you're not getting your Patreon money back, so I don't know. We'll figure that out. Yeah, well maybe if you had better support support your balls wouldn't hurt so fucking much yeah

uh dude well yeah i'm glad i'm very glad you're okay if you're waiting on any test results feel free to just you know leave his voicemails about it that's always fun yeah i do like when people are just like well i don't know exactly who to call and i figured you know the mean boys voicemail line is like Denny's. It's always open. Mean Boys, the last people you call before you shout to the heavens, I got nowhere else to go. Oh, yeah, 304-805-MEAN, 6326, by the way, if you want to leave a message. That shit's all in the show notes, but let's hear what Jacob has to say.

Hey, this is Jacob from Alabama again. Last time I asked Tom without swords. This time my question's for Keith, but the rest of you can answer too. So, Keith, what's your favorite breed of dog? God damn it. I wonder why you would ask such a question. Tom, have you heard the story? My favorite breed of dog is the Corgi.

I think they're adorable. I think they're low to the ground, but they have a little more panache than your standard wiener dog. Uh-huh. Yeah, I fuck with that. I mean, I don't feel like they would fuck you good, but I feel like they're just. They're low to the ground, but they have a little more panache than your standard wiener dog. Uh-huh. Yeah, I fuck with that. I mean, I don't feel like they would fuck you good, but I feel like they're just an adorable dog.

I mean, if a corgi's got a tight dog pussy, it's just compact. I've always wanted a corgi wearing like a... Like a little fleshlight. You could probably fuck it with one hand.

Wearing like a navy blue blazer and like a white shirt. He looks like a yachting captain. You want to dress a corgi like you going on a date? Yeah, I want to dress a corgi like Thurston Howell III i want to dress a dress i want to dress a corgi like thurston howell the third from gilligan's island and i want to name it kingsley that's a plan i've had forever oh yeah i like this more to wiener dog you're gonna be like pageant momming your fucking corgi you're like you're gonna be named kingston and you're gonna

love swimming and you and you were gonna hate bacon but love sausage look man i if you think i'm not gonna put some outfits on some animals at some point in my life, you don't know what the fuck I'm about. No, I knew that's exactly something. Well, look, I dated somebody who took the lead on it. I'm really going to take a more active role in dressing an unhappy pet. That's going to be part of my future. We already tried to get Tom to buy pants and shoes.

Kids are expensive, so I have to ruin a dog's life. You can do it with a turtle or a bird. How do you dress a turtle? I don't think they sell. Maybe you could put a fun sticker on a gel. Like the toilet at a taco shop by the beach. Man, if somebody out there owns a turtle, please stick a Mean Boys sticker on the back of your stupid turtle.

Not even Mean Boys, just like Billabong giveaways. You know, like shit that has the phone number for a local pizza's place. Just a Wahoo's fish tacos sticker on the back of a turtle. Exactly a Wahoo's fish tacos exactly a wahoo's fish tacos turtle like a punk that like you know like a like a like an oc punk fucking skater turtle the bathroom at the doll hut oh no you can't molt now no that's not exactly my problem mr slowy pants uh i could have gone through a couple more drafts naming that turtle but you know what i didn't all right here's the next voicemail.

What's up, Mean Boys? Ian here. I was listening to Ramsey's story, and it reminded me of that. Oh, that's one of those ones where it just cuts off? Whoops. All right, that was a good one. So, yeah, you can call us back if you want to finish that story. Hey, Mean Boys, it's Dean Denton. I got two fuck, marry, kills for you. First of all, Connor, fuck, marry, kill.

Kaiba, Yu-Gi-Oh, or Duke Devlin. His name is not Yu-Gi-Oh. His name is Yu-Gi. Shut up. Oh. And then Keith, fuck, marry, kill. Brock, Ash, or Professor Oak. Love you guys.

Bye. And Tom, we don't believe that you're going to do a movie. There's one of those things we think you could do, but the other two seem pretty far-fetched. We're being honest. He took a pretty hard swing at Kill, and it didn't work out. That's really funny. Yeah, fuck, marry, kill yourself, any lady, yourself again. Yeah, fuck, marry, kill yourself, any lady, yourself again. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so my answer, I would kill Duke Devlin, marry Yugi, and fuck Kaiba. It seems pretty simple. I feel like Brock dropped serious pipe. I'm going to fuck Brock. I'm going to marry Professor Oak because I'm sure there's some sort of tenure that he has at Pokemon University or whatever the fuck. And then kill Ash. You don't want to be a pedophile. Show your work. He's 11.

Is he? Yeah. Keith, I'm 13. How old is Brock? Don't worry about it. He's not that much older. Okay, because here's the problem. I don't know what's more upsetting. Looks like the FBI's blasting off again. Two of them are minors, so it's like, I got to marry one? That's way worse than just fucking Brock's a minor. He's got a geo, dude. He's a off again. Two of them are minors, so it's like, I got to marry one? That's way worse than just fucking... Well, Brock's a minor.

He's got a Geo, dude. He's a little arcade. He fucking loves mining. Okay, puns. That hurt my fucking heart, dude. Because it was so perfect. God damn it. Did you fucking hear that joke?

Like Salieri hearing Ode to Joy or what the fuck ever. I could never do something as beautiful as he's a minor because he has rock. I've been 40 years in a madhouse just screaming at nothing. Remember your dumb rock joke. All right. Last little save. All right. Hunt for Red October.

Alex Baldwin looks so fucking smart the entire movie. And then he takes his fucking shirt off. What the fuck just happened? I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. That's 100% accurate. That's why I'm at work, bitch. I love that. I'm at work, bitch. He takes his fucking shirt off.

Early era Alec Baldwin was so fucking hot. I think fucking current Alec Baldwin's kind of a sassy. Current Alec Baldwin sucks, dude. What? He's got a filthy shit bag and he's way less funny than he thinks he is. Who have you been podcasting with? It's me, all right?

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm going to look like someday. If you don't think I'm going to get arrogant as shit, you don't know anything about me. Look, I don't have to be nice to Alec Baldwin to get my cut of the Patreon money. Like, fuck him. Yeah, you guys could probably, like, fucking house of cards me out of shit. I'd be so focused on, like, whoa, let me... I'm really trying to make these custom condoms for the Patreon this month

really spicy, and then I'd, what? I just checked all the accounts. My name's off of them. You and Tom were just in Mexico with $800. Whoa, man. Rich is beyond measure. We spent $500 of them to get to Mexico. One of us can afford to go home if we buy no food now.

All right. We have one more voicemail. That's when we're practicing fasting. And then we'll we buy no food now. All right. We have one more voicemail. That's when we've been practicing fasting. And then we'll save some for future episodes. Hell yeah. Yo, mean boys. This is Kayla. I'm calling from St. Louis.

I just want to say I love your show. Thanks, Kayla. I listen to it while I'm at work almost every day, and I look forward to it. I mean, I've heard of I'm at work, bitch, but a bitch who's at work. Amazing. Sorry. I want forward to it. I mean, I've heard of I'm at work, bitch, but a bitch who's at work. Amazing. Sorry. I want to say, Connor, I want to kiss you. Tom, I fucking love your stupid ass.

And Keith... Fuck you, lady. If Tom and Keith were to get in a physical fight, which one of you fat whores would win? Wait, what was the question? If Tom and Keith got into a physical fight, which one of you fat whores would win? If Tom and Keith got into a physical fight, which one of you fat whores would win? Oh, Tom, 100%. Tom would kill me.

Yeah, it's definitely Tom. Okay, hang on. Jenny had a lot of fun sass. Here's my thought. If we're in a situation where, like, me and Tom are in a ring, and it's like, alright, bare-knuckle fight to the death, yeah, Tom wins. If we're just both in different places and we find out one of us has to kill the other one,

like we're in some sort of war, that I think I can win. I don't think so. You still haven't gotten me anywhere near a cage. Oh, haven't I, Tom? You don't think I googled some shit this morning? I don't. You've been saying that for like six months now.

Yeah, I know. Part of the game is leading you on. I love you both equally and I think that as an independent assessment of the situation, I think Keith is right. I do think that you're very cunning, and you're a lot more cunning than people give you credit for. Keith is a silver-tongued trickster, all right? And if you guys are in a city environment, I think he can beg, borrow, barter, steal the necessary equipment of death to kill you. You guys don't know where I am most of the time when I live with you.

If you give me eight minutes to whip up some fake tears and a good story, I could get a cop to kill you. That's the kind of levels I'm working on here. Yeah, that's true. You would have a much better shot at getting someone else to kill you. The world is my army, man. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's your. You would have a much better shot at getting someone else to kill me. The world is my army, man. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's your best shot.

Yeah, this is a rat fighting a bear is what this is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the bear is very discreet for his size, though. So don't forget about that. I forgot that's one of Tom's main points of pride. Like, if you had a crest, a personal crest, dude, in Latin, discreet for my size. You know what's funny is you said that a long time ago when I was with you as well. Fat, but sneaky.

I know you very well. No, you're not. You're one of the most lumbering people I've ever met. No, Tom can lurch. Yeah, I can sneak up on motherfuckers. I've never seen this stealth. Well, he tries to make his presence known so he doesn't startle people. When you turn your head, it creeps like an old rocking chair when you move a joint.

I don't know. Oh, and your joints sound like the WD-40 fucking robot parts. No, I'm just saying he's just a hefty man who moves with heft. As opposed to his... I didn't say I was svelte or sneaky. Yeah, you can make no claims to stealth. I make no claims. Keith, I'm going to play a new game where I just start scaring the shit out of you where you don't expect me.

I'm going to play a new game called Don't Do That. You're making claims about my you don't expect me. I'm going to play a new game called Don't Do That. You're making claims about my undistinguishedness. That's what you get for playing the game of doubting Tom. I'm putting you in a fucking cage. This man runs on two things. Fasting and proving people wrong about bullshit. If you show up near my basement, I swear to God I'm just going to shit exclusively in the bathroom that is your bedroom. Go for it.

The plumbing breaks above your fucking basement, dumbass. Yeah, whatever. Just leave the dump. I'm not going to flush. Oh, and no one else will? You're right. Connor, notorious always flushes the toilet. I live right there.

You don't think I'm going to flush the toilet and then just add in fucking condoms and tampons and spit just so it breaks all over your stupid fucking bed? We heard him say shit. And that's why we had to move because nobody believed that Tom could sneak around. Sorry, hardworking immigrants we live with. We had to have a podcast fight. Everyone tweet Keith that Tom is still not in a cage. This is a fun episode, you guys. He's ashamed for this in his bold statements that he has not followed up on since April.

Wow, what a great show. You knew we were in a presidential debate. Yeah, and I'm winning. Really funny podcast. I am president, mean boy. This will be the end of the podcast. It's been very funny. So, guys, anything to plug, fellas?

Oh, yeah, you can see me not in a cage every day for the rest of my life. You can see me if you're more discreet than me, but besides that, most of you are out of luck. God, shut your whore mouth. This Thursday, or August 23rd, I will be at the set-up in San Francisco at 8 o'clock. It's a great show. September 6th, 7th, and 8th, I will be in San Diego. Check my Facebook or Twitter for more information about the venues, which I'll be posting very soon. And coming up down the horizon, October 5th and 6th, me and Tom will be at the Looney Saloon in Miami, Oklahoma.

And then the 12th and 13th, I will be at Laughs in Tucson, headlining there. And other stuff, too, but I'll plug that later. When is this out? The 21st, 9 of the 21st. I'll be at the Hollywood Improv at 9.30 p.m. That week on the 23rd through the 26th, I'm doing the Comedy Heights shows down in San Diego. If you want to come see me in San Diego, hit me up.

I'll give you more information. 28th, I'm doing Skits in downtown Los Angeles. It's a fun show. I forget the name of the bar, but it's a pretty bitchin' little bar. That weekend, the 31st and September 1st, I'm at Pechanga. And the weekend after that, I am at Laughs in Tucson. Oh, and San Diego fans, I actually fucked the comedy headshots. Come to the stats and say I'm headlining with stats on September 11th, 9-11.

Oh, hell yeah. You know, after I stay up all night editing the Steve Rantzisi 9-11 spectacular. He's coming back, everybody. I'll drive down to all the stats. And then further on the horizon, September 26th, I'm headlining the Ontario Improv in Ontario, California. That'll be fun, so come on to that. Yeah. September 10th, I'll be

headlining the Barrelhouse Brewery in Visalia, California. September 18th, I'm featuring at the Stillwater in Dana Point. September 26th, 28th and 29th, I'm at Madhouse and then like Keith said I'll be with him in Oklahoma

At the Looney The Looney place Yeah The Looney Saloon October 5th and 6th Yeah Alright That's the show

Thank you guys Fuck everything God is dead Outro Music