Mean Boys - EP 148 - Anal Skateboarding

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

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Hey. What's up, guys? We've got a great episode this week with just the damn boys in the studio. Getting some sincere-ass voicemails, playing some new games. Yeah, it gets fucking heartwarming at the end of this one. Yeah, it's heartwarming as hell. Yeah, stay tuned for some pathos. There's some cone-zonery happening.

What the kids are calling feels. Yeah, yeah. Dang it, Bobby, you're looking at your That Face When memes again. Dang it, Bobby, you're all up in my feelings. We're already back to the fucking shit that we do. Dad, we only know three voices. Oh, you really know this one? Oh, yeah, so you were born in the voice acting community i really obey an accessory yes i love

fucking tractors 400 god help me we will drag my mom into a denny's in fresno and make her speak to you animals yeah yeah keith's mom just posted a picture of her holding an assault rifle looking fucking with a straight up joker thug ass grin. She also commented under that, I'm a nice person. Yeah, which was awesome. So 60 reviews away. We're at 340 right now.

You guys have been leaving those. Someone writes, excellent fit. Writes, Tom is a hero. We deserve five stars. Tom might simultaneously be in Mensa and require government assistance for being mentally disabled. Wait, what's Mensa? You've got to have a 140 IQ or above. It's like a genius association.

Oh. Wait, so a Mensa-tard? What are they saying? I think more so the second part. Yeah. They're saying you're a genius and a lunatic. Yeah, yeah. There you go.

Excellent. Yeah, so go do that. It just takes a couple taps on your old phone. It helps us out quite a bit. Get at us on Patreon. Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. Another hour of Mean Boys in your life. I think there's 56 of them at this point.

So there's a whole other bucket of show for you guys to binge on there. And ten bucks a month, you get a little goodie in the mail. This month we're doing our horny summer commemorative condoms. I just got the condoms in the mail. I'm in the process of printing the labels. And we're getting those ready to ship off. I'm also catching up on the $25 boxes. I bought a bunch of t-shirts and spray paint in laflin nevada and we're gonna need to know if you fuck with these mean boys con oh yeah you're gonna have to send us some tweets and

stuff you know keep us in the loop because we want to we want you guys to be out there i want to see a wiener wearing a mean boys brandon condom yes yeah absolutely that'd be funny uh yeah did tweet them at us not our our guests Thank you Yes, please I repeat, tweet those pictures at the hosts of the show Just to be safe, tweet them specifically to Tom Because that's what I'm most excited about You know what? You can tweet them to Ramsey, but that's it

I'll retweet them I will retweet them in the name of the boys Okay, yep In the name of the boys Like we're about to fight in the fucking civil war with the first black regiment in the name of

before our grandchildren's grandchildren we'd die for some reason if you want me to describe your dick wearing a Mean Boys

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all the social medias Twitter Instagram like us on Facebook and make sure if you want to drop us a line about anything at all hit hit us up at meanvoicepodcast.gmail.com or send us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. We had a bunch of great voicemails this episode. We always love the voicemails, so please feel free to do that. And one more thing.

We're going back in the motherfucking road, bitches. First week in November, we're going through Texas in the south, down through Florida. So if you're anywhere in that area, we're locking dates now. So go ahead and get on that tour sheet. It's in the Twitter bio. It's in the show notes. Fill it out. Let us know the closest major city you're willing to come on to your show,

how many friends you got, whether or not you can crash on your couch, and we'll maybe and hopefully set up a Mean Boys show in your neck of the woods. Yeah. Yeah. We got live dates ourselves coming up. You'll hear those plugged at the end of the woods. Yeah. Yeah. We got live dates ourselves coming up. You'll hear those plugged at the end of the show. I think that's just about it, guys, right? I think we're ready to get into this

rollicking emotional rollercoaster of an episode. Yeah, guys. Get ready to laugh, love, and learn with your host, Connor, Keith, and Tom. The Mean Boys. Stay trans, everybody. Yeah, stay... It'll make sense later. Yeah, yeah, stay Tom The mean boys Right Trans everybody Yeah stay Stay if yeah

It'll make sense later Yeah yeah Stay trans Pony boy Pony girl Stay Stay Like Sophie

The singer that does That pony boy song I showed you was trans Oh yeah I really like that That song is awesome Down Down No it goes

Pony Boy Just a little pony boy Pony Boy Just a little pony boy. Pony boy. Just a little pony boy. It's scary. Pony boy.

Yeah, it's fucking terrible. I am the pony lord. What's that song? Everybody Dance Now. Yeah. No, it's a... That's 100% what you're doing. Tom, this is why you're not allowed to watch the Six Flags.

You're not allowed to watch the Six Flags. No, that's a different one. It like starts with... Tom is fucking gay. Some like manore actor did a dance to the song. Okay, that's enough of this intro. Magic Mike. What's the Magic Mike song? Shut up, idiot.

Here's the episode. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I faithfully execute my duties because I shit reading the Bible. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A Serbian dog fight promoter. Bud, do you want to see violence between animals with no control over their situation?

You come to me. I give you a good price. You watch German Shepherd die. You give me five Legend of Zelda dollars, and I can shoot. What say you? You see poodle bleed. You go smash pots.

I get rupees. Everybody have good time. Good time, and you lose pooch. Yeah. You lose pooch. Man, that's the saddest Owen Wilson movie ever made. Oh, wow. He's gone.

You lose, pooch. So much to discuss, you guys. Marley's bleeding. I'm back from Laughlin, Nevada this week. Which we were getting some pretty hilarious updates. It just fluctuated between Laughlin is garbage and I'm watching a lot of videos about magicians. I watch. Yeah, Nevada is dog shit, and I am autistic.

I'll tell you what, guys. I can't be fooled anymore. I know how fucking magic works at this point. Yeah. I'm talking about the French drop, the misdirection. You get a letter from an owl, and then you go to school. Everyone knows how magic works. Where's the French drop?

I feel like you'd be pen pals with an owl anyway. Yeah. No, we can communicate on a deep level. The French drop was like a palming move where you pretend to do, I don't know exactly what it is. You seemed real confident 30 seconds ago. Not really, no. I watched a pretty great, I watched a lot of Penn and Teller Fool Us, which is a really fun show. They made a public access special in 1984 or something.

That's pretty cool. It's just them doing a big, dumbass public access special. I like that. And then he goes, at the very end of it, he swears on his mother's grave that they didn't use camera editing, and the whole credit sequence is just them doing cheesy editing tricks. It's pretty funny. I thought the French drop was a cute way to say the beheaded King Louie. No, that's actually what they call the taint when you do anal skateboarding.

Anal skateboarding. I like that. You don't goot shred? Yeah, that's probably the episode title. Anal skateboarding? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got there real early. Even though it wasn't particularly funny.

It's going to look good on that iTunes feed, Nick Dollar. I fart wheels. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. I fart wheels. You dumb shit. Wheels of cheese, maybe. Come on, guys.

He's fat. Man, we were on fire until I turned the mics on, and then I kind of fucked everything up. Nah, we're good. We're still doing good. I feel like we're some charcoal burning. Yeah, we're acclimating to being in the air conditioner room. Every time I come in here, I feel like an outside cat that was finally invited into the home, and it's just so comfortable.

He doesn't trust anything. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, the saucer full of milk for me? What temperature room? My favorite! So yeah, Laughlin, Nevada. Let me just break down. So it's like a resort

kind of destination for regular trash. It's like five casinos on a little strip. There's a little outlet mall. I walked around it. Saddest outlet mall in human history.

It has my favorite genre of store, which is souvenir store run by an immigrant. Yeah. So it's just everything that he thinks America is. So it's like, make America great again. 2020 hats and samurai swords and cardboard cutouts of will smith in the movie suicide squad which is not wrong these are all things that america has wait will smith was in suicide you're damn right he was uh pulled out knives shaped like shotgun shells a lot of emoji t-shirts you know how could you have possibly not known that the whole city of la was made of suicide

squad posters for like six months i don't know i knew that leto dude was in it uh yeah you know what the mars man yeah jay leto yeah he used to host the uh craig ferguson show yeah what's his name fat conan yeah what's i call him a vroom vroom let him in uh yeah chindrew carey yeah jimmy denim uh so yeah i walked around that little mall. But yeah, it was 100 degrees at like 1 in the morning. It smelled like shit, despite being nowhere near any fucking farming operation. It must have been some kind of septic issue.

Like it was human shit. Yeah. And I saw- I think they're the worst smelling shits out of all the shits. I'm inclined to agree. There's never many dogs. Of all the poop I've People poop Tends to be worse Well we have the most

Diverse diet And we also probably Put our body through The most Most varied Like digestive Kind of Obstacle courses

We live hard We dump hard Yeah For the people who live In like Cows don't eat McDonald's No Well that'd be weird

Yeah It would be cool It'd be hilarious That's how you got Mad cow disease It was feeding cows Other cows Yeah Somewhere Whoever writes The far side Just sat up And was like I have an idea Yeah. It would be cool. It would be hilarious. That's how you got mad cow disease. It was feeding cows other cows. Yeah.

Somewhere, whoever writes the far side just sat up and was like, I have an idea. I have an idea for mad people disease where I eat enough human flesh that I give myself a virus. I go to ISIS headquarters. Uh-huh. Bing, bang, boom. I take them out. I spread that shit.

You know what? Turn them into rage zombies. I become the chef for ISIS. This is a... And then, and just by not washing my hands, I take down the caliphate. shit you don't turn them into rage i become i become the chef for isis this is uh and then and just by not washing my hands i take down the caliphate now my brain is becoming syphilitic and i may become radicalized to their cause during this time but i don't think the amount of harm i could do yeah would equal the amount of good i've done by giving them all mad people disease here's problem one in this plan you walk in and go hello i'm here to apply as chef. I don't think anyone looks at you and goes, that man knows Middle Eastern cuisine.

Yeah, it's true. This motherfucker knows his way around a falafel. It's not a thing. Still haven't had hummus. My favorite part of this plan is it's pretty much just a Chuck Palahniuk book. And I know you didn't know that. Is it really? Yeah, all you have to do is add a car crash and time travel and it's rant.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I haven't read rant. Ah, it's rant. Oh, yeah. I haven't read rant. It's the best one. Anyway, so a lot of camouflage prosthetic legs or like prosthetic legs. More than zero is a lot. Not even like veteran legs, like diabetes legs. 100% of them were diabetically lost. Yeah.

You didn't lose this leg. This leg was taken from you. Can you be a diabetic soldier? I feel like they'd make an exception for you. I gotta feel like that's hard. They wouldn't make an exception if I didn't have any physical problems. They're like, you mentally need to get the fuck out of our office.

Oh yeah, we already saw this Stanley Kubrick. No, I tried to get into the Army, the Marines, and the Coast Guard. They all were like, no. Getting friends on by the Coast Guard is a very Tom move. The Coast Guard was my first choice. You've told me that the Coast Guard. They are like, no. Getting friends on by the Coast Guard is a very Tom move. The Coast Guard was my first choice. You've told me that the Coast Guard saves more lives.

Well, I just didn't want to be in a position where I saved yours. I didn't want to be, you know, I like the idea of fucking helping people, but I don't want to wrap the point. I like the idea of, what do you say, like you're going for some big concept, you go, swimming. I like the idea that he's applying for a Coast Guard.

He's like, yeah, it'll be good. I'll sit in that chair by the pool and make sure kids don't fall. Yeah, I just didn't want to be in a position where I'd ever point a gun at anybody. I mean, they got mad when I asked them to teach me how to run in slow motion. Just imagine you're in like a boat crash and you look and you see the Coast Guard coming. You're like, we're saved. And then you see Tom walk on the deck and you're just like, well, I had a good run. Glub, glub, glub.

Yeah, yeah. Then he jumps. He goes to jump off the deck and go rescue you with his little floaty, and his foot gets caught on the railing and cocks his head into the hole and just dies. Yeah, I would have. I would have. The other Coast Guard's too busy saving Tom, and everybody's dead. I was the only Coast Guard guy with a boogie board.

I would have been the only. You swam, like, two miles a day. You were, like, a big boy. Yeah, no, have been the only. You were swimming like two miles a day. Yeah, no, I was swimming like a mile to two miles a day. But yeah, I would be the only Coast Guard swimmer who has my country tis of the fucking playing in the background every time I jumped out of the helicopter. I don't get the reference. It's a Titanic song they played. No, it's not. No, it's definitely not.

It's near my God to the Tom shit. Hang on, Tom. Oh, my bad. You are correct. Yeah, here's what I want to jump in here and point out. You think of the Titanic, a British ship, who is playing a song

about American pride. You fucking retard. And then the waves of... Oh, shit, teeth. For purple veins in our gross British noses. And we like drinking tea They're playing it, but it's like they're singing a song about a girlfriend they don't date anymore.

United Kingdom, United Kingdom I think Scotland's part of us And Wales too, and maybe Belgium, but I'm not sure. And the part of Ireland without all the bombs. That's the part of the island where they made the bombs. Man, I was listening to this radio show, and the IRA was really good at terrorism. It's fucking scary.

Oh, they were great at it. They crushed the game. They were the punk rock version of terrorism. Oh, yeah. They were ISIS before ISIS. They really were, man. Scary motherfuckers. I don't know.

I don't know what part of Ireland I'm from. Although, I came over in the fucking olden days, not. Scary motherfuckers. I don't know. I don't know what part of Ireland I'm from. Although I wouldn't have been. I came over in the fucking olden days, not like when that was going on. When they signed the big treaty or whatever, when they kind of stopped blowing each other up a few years back. I was at a Flogging Molly show at the OC Fairgrounds. And the guys in Flogging Molly were understandably very excited because they're mad Irish. So they go out and they're just like, the fucking IRA is not.

But after our lucky charms or whatever. You didn't watch everyone. They just be like, we're happy for you. But like Orange County, we don't really have any skin in the game. So like, yeah, you want to just get the bagpipe guy back out here. That Irish Martin Luther King lady who like organized all the protests to get him to stop doing that. St. Patrick. Huh?

St. Patrick. You got all the snakes out. No, no, no. I'm kidding. Yeah. It's the only important person in Ireland's history. No, I have no idea who that person St. Patrick. Huh? St. Patrick. He got all the snakes out. No, no, no. I'm kidding. Yeah, it's the only important person in Ireland's history. No, I have no idea

who that person is. Yeah. I heard her talk. Didn't retain anything she said, but she seemed like she was very confident on stage.

Did I tell you when I had a conspiracy theorist be my tour guide in Ireland? Oh, you did tell me about this. I love this. It was Robbie, and he was just like, oh, you're president.

He goes on TV after the Sandy Hook with the crocodile tears trying to take your guns away. It's a damn shame. I'm so sorry. And he's like, got all this crazy shit. We're just like, all right, Robbie, tell us about the famine walls or whatever.

But we're in the car one day, and we're like, yeah, how's the government work here in Ireland? He's like, oh, we don't have a government right now. Yeah, we're in between governments. And I'm like, wait, what? And he's like, oh, yeah, there's no government. There hadn't been a government in months. I mean, they're thinking about having another election if they

can't get a government together and i'm like okay this man is clearly on some like ireland info wars shit yeah so i get back to my hotel room i turn on irish news and like it was like we have a day 26 with no government here in ireland i was like wait what i don't know it was like wait are we going and uh the the one the candidate who won tweeted this picture of his campaign sign saying he's ready to run again if they don't establish a government. I was like, what? I'm in a country with no government?

What the fuck? What a gentle purge. Is this why the tour was so cheap? You know? There's no regulatory commission. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Does that mean there's no laws? No, there's laws, I think.

No enforces them. There's no government. I think there's like, well, yeah, because it's Robbie, but oh, it's all bureaucrats. Oh, it's nothing but bureaucrats running the whole place, you know? I imagine it runs off a system and just like, hey, knock it off. I mean, Irish people are too depressed to do crime. I mean, like. Right.

Oh, that's historically inaccurate. I mean, at this point. It's like their whole deal. I guess. Yeah, that's probably a good point. But I know walking around Dublin, seeing all the fucking kids who looked exactly like me, blitzed on heroin in the streets, shivering. Just like walking around like, oh man, that was a tableau from another timeline.

Yeah. Hilariously, that's also parts of South Orange County you could go to. Yeah, it's part of a lot of places. The amount of people I know who are dead as fuck off heroin who looked exactly like you growing up is pretty mind-boggling. I know, yeah. I just see another people, I'm like, oh, man, the pores on your nose are also gigantic.

This rocks. I was like just an angry sponge of a man. Yeah, I saw a cane with an ashtray on it in Laughlin. That was pretty sick. I saw the CCR was playing. All right. So CCR lets out. I go to a little fitness center.

And I'm at the hotel. It's got like six free weights and like one multipurpose machine. And I do a little workout or whatever. I'm staying up until four in the morning because I'm not fucking doing anything all day. I can't get tired enough to go to bed. So I'm going back out to the hotel.

CCR has let out. And all the security guards are on the floor. All right, move along, sir. Not yet, sir. All right, one at a time. Come on. And they're moving people to the elevators. I'm like, holy shit, was there a shooting? And someone's like, look, is there police in here looking for somebody?

And what happened was there was too many fucking fat people cramming into the elevators, and they weren't going up. So they had to make sure that there was only like one rascal scooter at a time going up to the 12th floor so i had to wait like 20 minutes to get back to my room man i fucking uh while they were falling out there's a woman with a walker like probably 65 walker loaded up with ice chest full of natty ice ah and uh i thought that was pretty good get to work grandma i hope every time You're so senile We just told you this is Vegas

So you better have a good time Yeah granny There's a famous Las Vegas river right there I hope whenever the elevator started rising They just started playing I see a dead moon rising No that's what they played When the Hindenburg went down

Yeah Oh that would be fun I should sync that up I could probably I could do that real quick. I see a bad moon rising. Oh, bad moon. That's what it was.

My dad's old airplane racing team was called Bad Moon Racing. I remember that. Huh. Yeah. What was that? My dad was talking to me one time. He was like, Connor, I feel like I don't know any Democrats. I feel like everyone is a Republican now.

It's so scary. He's like, do you know any Democrats? Well, Dad, first of all, I'm a comedian. I'm like, second of all, the things you're into are model planes and Formula One racing. Of course you know a lot of Republicans. Stop being into Republican shit. By the way, my dad's Kiss Tribute Band. He's told me

to invite the Mean Boys listening audience. Hell yes. I will be attending this show. I haven't seen them live yet. Keith is free. I'm not sure if Tom is free yet. I think I have a show in San Diego on that day. I might need you to cancel it. You don't have to. You haven't seen them live yet. Keith is free. I'm not sure if Tom is free yet. I think I have a show in San Diego on that day. I might need you to cancel it. You don't have to. You don't cancel it. I gotta get paid when I can get paid.

Yeah, September 29th. You got so panicked like we were gonna make you quit a job to go see Connor's dad's band. Alright, here's the deal. Everyone, if you're gonna come, please be cool. Don't mess with my family. I'm trusting you. Yeah, we're starting an event page for this.

Yeah, we might. But yeah, just keep it low key. I'll be there. We'll hang out. It'll be fun. You can say hi, but don't fuck with my grandma or anything. September 29th at the Shamrock in Chino Hills. Room service is playing with Led Zeppelin.

Believe it or not, a Led Zeppelin tribute band. That's fun. Led Zeppelin, the who. or not, a Led Zeppelin tribute band. That's fun. Led Zeppelin, the who. Yeah, they really went a different direction. And he said, yeah, come out. So I don't know. I'll probably post about it more. So save the date if you want to come out.

That's going to be really fun. Yeah, that'll be a fucking party. Yeah, I wish I could go. I mean, I don't like Kiss. Yeah. But I kind of like you and I like your family. No, I'm kidding. I like Kiss. Yeah. But I kind of like you, and I like your family. No, I'm kidding. I like Kiss all right, I guess.

They're a good time. I'm going for the experience, you know? Yeah. It's fun. I like watching my dad do his... He wears makeup and stuff? No, they do no makeup. It's a no makeup tribute to Kiss.

They took away the fun part of Kiss. It's about the music, man. We want to really strip it down to what it was always about, bumming out the young people. And my dad's a bitching guitar player. I mean, if you want to see a balding man fucking rip Ace Frehley, it's going to be a time and a half. I want your dad and my dad to have a fucking rock off against each other. And then both just realize how 50 they are.

I was describing your dad's music room to my dad. I was like, all right, so he's got a six-string bass, a micro-corg, and a three-piece drum set. And he's like, he's got twice as many strings on his bass as he does drums on his set. Hey, look, man, he's not about traditional music. He's about being bad at everything. He's about getting things for free over a long period of time. Yeah, he's not like if a raccoon was starting a band. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, well, I don't know. I have an unbelievable amount of boring things I want to talk about, but we can all save that for another time. What do you say, gang? We get into the old Mexican joke. How about, yeah. Hey, so topical. All right.

This is, I think, I actually really like my jokes. I think this is the quickest I've ever written them. I think this was about eight minutes of writing at the most. I have the opposite problem. We're all minor bad this week. All right, guys. A Minneapolis company is offering a fraternity leave program for new pet owners. Lesbian employees are outraged that there is no fur burger fraternity leave.

I enjoy that. You're fucking moron. I'm that. You're a fucking moron. I'm mad I enjoy that, but I really, really enjoy that. I love the phrase furburger. I don't know how accepted of a term it is on a global scale. I've never heard that term before. It's just funny. Maybe it's offensive.

I don't even mean offensive. I just wonder how many people know furburger. It's just fucking huge. I guess you hear it and you get it. Yeah, sure. No one's ever been confused when I've said it. Yeah, I guess the lips would be the buns, and then the little pussy meat in the middle is the meat, you know?

Yeah. And the clit is like a pickle or something. Furburger was that Kenan and Kel movie, right? Welcome to Furburger, home of the Furburger. Can I eat your pussy? Oh, that's a sketch. Cat loves pussy juice. All right, I'll go.

A Kansas carnival worker killed three people. When asked why, he said he was trying to trade up to the big stuffed giraffe. Apparently, by the way, deeper note on that story that was funny he was jumping them into this is real a carnival mafia oh fuck yeah i was like how have the juggalos not sued for intellectual property at that point carnival mafia yeah i mean i do believe that there's a car we're like oh you oh you're doing the fucking uh you're doing the throw the thing into the goldfish bowl and win what in my town i I invented that game, you fuck! It's a nice bucket you got here. Be a shame if somebody threw a softball

in it and won a turtle. I feel like probably every comic when it came out had a bit about it, but that show Amish Mafia was so funny to me. We're just Amish guys like, yeah, we might have a disagreement on our hands. If he doesn't trim that shrub, I may have to go over there

and give him a talking to. If you gave me one real, like, nowadays gun, I feel confident I could beat the entire Amish mafia. Oh, dude, that would fucking, that would be so, just to go in there with, like, Just an iPhone and a missile? Yeah, yeah, you know, just like, I have a fucking, you know, a tar from Modern Warfare 2, and I'm just like what up what up nerds the heartbeat sensor yeah looks like I just became God Bennett raised me a barn I had so much fun going to Amish country with my family when I

was like 10 years old and because we went to intercourse Pennsylvania so everyone's getting teachers say I heard intercourse I didn't get it I was 10 yeah you know but my cousin Marty sees this Amish chick she's wearing a skirt like way past her knees and he just goes I can see your ankles it sees this Amish chick. She's wearing a skirt way past her knees. And he just goes, I can see your ankles. It's an Amish prostitute. That's pretty funny for a 13-year-old kid. All right. A Lyft driver was shot in the head by his passenger.

Lyft released a statement that they will be sending the shooter a $50 cleaning fee. Hey. Tom Goss taking on the ride share bureaucracy. Yeah, you got him, man. Fuck your lifts, bitch. Man, I got to have the privilege of taking a lift to and from the food stamp office this morning, which is weird standing in front of it and they're just like, well, Mr. Money Man.

Yeah, yeah. And there was somebody that was talking to the lift driver who got me and he's just like asking, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm a comedian. He's like he's like oh man you like doing it and stuff and i'm like well you picked me up from the food stamp office so how much am i doing it and stuff oh man yeah i gotta my food stamps got canceled the ultimate humblebrag i think yeah you you you might be screwed yeah i'm screwed for a little while uh health line says that the word vagina is not gender inclusive and instead recommends using front hole.

In addition, the anus is now called the food trap door and the penis is called the front hole plug and or food trap door and food entrance plug. Shut up. Front hole is awful. I mean, it just sounds like something a little girl would call it because she kept saying vagina, you know? Yeah. Well, I've seen like some trans people and stuff like sort of like talk about this idea of what do you call it or

whatever and i'm just like i get it do you but if i was ever fucking somebody and they said fuck me in the front hole i would burn their house down i mean that's like something so they didn't i'd raise that's like something that's like a what a pedophile wants for dirty talk yeah that's terrifying it's just like i don't it just i feel like it's also not really on the front it's on the bottom on the bottom yeah yeah i just i just i mean i don't know i'm happy to use the term if that's what it's uh decided but it's like i did like it just feels like bad branding to me yeah like if you want to call it a whole call it a whole but like whole prime maybe or like it's like if takabo's like the diarrho Slowco's talk, you know, it's just the dump-a-dee-uh.

It just sort of sounds as a marketing expert. I feel like we could top it. I don't know. All right. A man standing trial for wanting to enslave and eat a child

was given probation because he's autistic. Court documents refer to the suspect as Jeffrey Dummer. Hey, hell yeah. Back to the roots. Hey, hell yeah. Back to the roots. Hey, oh, we know who we are.

Mentally challenged crime. And it's like, if you feel bad for me for making fun of him, remember when he was going to eat a kid? Dude, I'm the good guy. So I'm doing this other casino in northern Arizona, and it's 65-year-old people. This is Monday night. Right.

Old bingo night audience. Okay. And I've got like eight minutes for these people. I ended up doing the ten minutes of shit I wrote about the casino in Laughlin. Right. Just to fucking eat time. I was just like, you guys ever been to Laughlin? They're like, yeah.

I was like, hey, well, hell yeah. I thought the whole first chunk of this podcast felt polished. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, you worked on stage. Well, basically, i did the same thing you guys on the phone yeah yeah that's the problem is when i find the way i like want to explain something i just use it and then it sounds like i'm always doing material i guess i kind of am but uh no i wasn't upset so anyway i get on stage and i'm like i'm just like all right i'm

doing crowd work and shit and but the lights are fucking blasting my face so i can't see anybody it's the fucking worst you know i'm like at least turn the lights down so I can do crowd work. I'm trying to fill my fucking time here at this godforsaken Indian casino. And I see a big straw hat. I'm like, big straw hat, comedy gold. And I go over like, hey, man, what's the deal with the hat? And he doesn't answer. And I'm like, what's the matter?

You didn't fucking, I'm not making, it's a cool hat. Come on, what's your name, man? And then I look and I walk closer under the lights and get my hand over. I'm like, oh, that's a man with full-blown down syndrome and his three other Filipino family members. And they all seem to understand this is a misunderstanding. And then one guy goes, he's a cowboy. And I'm like, you're damn right he's a cowboy. Give it up for him.

It was the fucking worst. Oh, my God. Yippee-ki-yay. I did a similar thing where I didn't realize this kid was incredibly autistic. And I asked him what he did for work. And he goes. I host Mean Boys. And he goes, I do karate.

And I was like, oh, okay. Like, you teach karate? And he's like, no. And I was like, are, like you teach karate? And he's like, no. And I was like, are you like a black belt? He's like, I'm a yellow belt. I'm like, no, but what do you do for work? And his family's just getting more and more uncomfortable because I'm not picking up on his whatever kind of burgers he has. Karate burgers.

Everyone at the restaurant was like afterwards they were like that that guy was he was he was he was dar dar brain what were you doing i was like i didn't fucking notice man unstoppable object immovable force i talked to him about i was trying to figure out how do you make money doing karate for like 10 minutes and i just i was like what the what the fuck like i think at one point even so, is there something wrong with you or something? I did another terrible gig at the fucking, there's a little planned community across the street from the La Brea Tar Pits. This is the fucking stuff.

I've had the most horrible career. And it was like a little community center and there's like old people suburb thing. And I did a show there with Damien Holmes on 4th of July. And it's going fine. I'm doing well or whatever. But I'm like, all right, any questions? I'm doing crowd work. I'm doing Connor doesn't write for these people, so he's going to make fun of the pool.

Yeah, you're spinning the wheels. Yeah. And any questions? This kid in the front raises his hands and he goes, can you tell a Yu-Gi-Oh joke? And I'm like, what the fuck? We weren't even doing Mean Boys. This couldn't even be like someone trying to heckle and be funny. They found my schedule.

And I was like, I realize he's autistic. And I'm like, okay, yeah, I could do a Yu-Gi-Oh joke. So I started telling the story about when I lost in the tournament to the autistic guy using the lizard deck. And I realized that the story to the autistic guy using the lizard deck. And I realized that the story involved an autistic guy. It ended up just having no punchline. I'm just sort of

fumbling. And then I was like, alright, goodnight everybody. Oh, man. Is it my turn? No, it's Connor. Oh, it's my turn. Okay. What joke is this? This is round three. Oh, I haven't it my turn? No, it's Connor. Oh, it's my turn. Okay. What joke is this? This is round three. This is round three, yeah.

Oh, I haven't done my second joke. Yeah. Oh, you're right. You're right. Oh, cool. I don't know why I volunteered that information. All right. While hooking up on an unworked construction site, one man poured concrete into his boyfriend's ass.

I've heard of shitting a brick, but this is ridiculous. Yeah. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom Yo, I've gotten into some weird gay shit I don't understand who that's fun for I do Because having concrete in your butt seems bad I can't even think of Yeah, I'm pouring a street in you

You're gonna die probably Isn't that hot? We've had a real renaissance for the that is ridiculous joke. I think it's back to back weeks. They're pretty flawless. But this is ridiculous. But this is ridiculous is becoming the new Bane. Yeah.

Because it's hilarious. And we all agree. Everybody. Yeah, dude. Ridiculous is funny. We got a long ass email from a guy who was like, don't stop doing Bane. No. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you. No, fuck you, dude.

Fuck you. What? Fuck you, too. Fish heads dumped in an Alaskan neighborhood have attracted wild bears. Even worse, Dr. Demento has been spotted in the area. That's a great joke, not for Tom. That is a fantastic joke. Yeah, it's pretty damn funny.

I love that Tom can tell when it's just a thing that's not for him. You just see him drift away like, I'll show myself out of this conversation. Look, if you listen to Mean Boys, you probably had the Best of Dr. Demento fucking tape. Yeah, no one doesn't know the song Dead Poppies who's listening to this show. Oh, I mean, yeah, my fucking my entire comedy fucking interest was sparked by Weird Al's Alapalooza. Oh, my god. Wonderful album.

I owe Weird Al a fucking muffin basket or something. Well, in that honor, here's a joke so dumb I think Weird Al would be proud of it. The EPA says more sea cows have died already in 2018 than in all of 2017. Said one distraught sea cow enthusiast. Oh, the manatee manatee!

Damn, I thought this was going to be a self burn, but that was even better. Nah, man, I'm real happy about that. One of the first internet pictures that really made me laugh was the exploding manatee with Hindenburg. Oh, the huge manatee. Oh, yeah. All right. A two-legged pug has won its third straight sprint championship. This is the most impressive triumph over a disability since Conor McSpadden's sustained eye contact.

I love that. I thought that was for sure going to be a joke about me. Yeah, I made it about Conor on purpose. You got layers, my dude. Yeah, dude. I'm building a parfait of fuck you guys. Dude, I'm a man cake. I was talking.

Tom, never say what you just said again. Tom Goss, man cake. Dude, pie still got those layers. It's the Adam Carolla Show, sponsored by man cake. Man cake. Do you want a cupcake but don't want to be gay? Do you like beef pastry? Well, yeah.

Well, Keith and I had a whole debate about savory pies while we were on the road. Which I'm pro-savory pie. I've never tried them. I don't want... I would try one, I guess, you know? No, quiche is kind of a different thing. No, yeah. Next time we go to New York, we're going to the Australian meat pie place.

Okay. I'll go. And look, I did the fish and chips. Yeah, if you don't like it, that's fine. I had the best fish and chips, and I was like, not for me. You know, I'll have the best meat pie. Right. And if you don't dig it?

Well, I've had some pretty good ones. Let's not... I mean, you guys know know you guys pie that doesn't work there for pie sounds like a like a japanese dog breed dude i was i was at the hollywood improv last night doing a show and i was talking to uh scott lures and lisa chenu outside and i realized i talked to him for about 10 minutes you know a nice conversation and i was like i haven't made eye contact this entire time well you have just been like looking at weird spots in the distance just like darting around i'm like it must be so unsettling to speak to me when i'm just like i'm trying to i'm like just like oh because i'll be talking about something sincere and just being

sort of like uh candid and vulnerable but i'm also just like why is he looking at my shoes and then at the parking lot and then back in my shoes yeah like they start looking where you're looking like you saw a thing they didn't oh yeah like they're trying they're trying to catch me and you know it always looks like cops just walked in and i'm like okay are they gonna find the bong you know be cool be cool all right uh man has successfully surfed a mattress over a gigantic wave when asked how he did it keith carey said he just laid real still while the surfer took care of business. Well done. Well done. Yeah, you're the mattress of the joke.

Yeah, I got it. Did you? Or were there too many Cheetos in your brain? Crazy Rich Asians was number one at the box office this week, so stay tuned for the sequel starring everyone's favorite Asian actress, Scarlett Johansson. Oh, did she play the Doctor Strange lady? What's her? No, no, no.

She was in the Ghost in the Shell movie. Oh, did she play the Doctor Strange lady? No, no, no. She was in the Ghost in the Shell movie. Oh, gotcha. It was a movie about a Japanese robot lady in Japan, and they're like, well, we'll still set it in Japan, but Scarlett Johansson is the robot lady. What's Crazy Rich Asians about? What could you possibly think? It's about poor black children.

That's just the whole game? It's about a normal money Asian who meets like a crazy rich one. And he's like, I want to marry that crazy rich one. And the rich people are like, nah, we don't know about this. And then they let her do it. Oh, so it's just, what's that one book from like the 1800s? It's a reboot of that, but with Asians. Fuck, what's that?

The Bible. No, that's from the zeros, man. Oh, yeah, well, I called you guys while I was driving, and Keith and I had to explain to Tom how pant sizes work, because he didn't know what was the waist and what was the inseam. I still don't remember. I guess I was like, well, yeah, Tom, you probably wear like a 34, 36, 30, you know, something like that. And he's like, yeah, to be honest, I don't know what that means.

And I was like, did you? Oh, I thought these pants were from the year 3400. Well, I thought I was wearing future pants, and i was mad that pants technology hadn't advanced my favorite part was that you just let tom talk for a while i was like yeah i don't know what which one's the tall one and the long one for like two minutes and there's a pause and you go uh and just checking tom you're 25 years old yeah yeah that's pretty funny i don't know you try them on anyways what's the point of learning numbers when you can just try feeling? So you know in the ballpark, I know I don't wear a 26-33.

You know what I mean? Now, which number is the waist? The waist is first. Waist is first. Yeah, waist is first, then the inseam. Well, this was all brought up because a friend of the show who will be appearing at some point, Isaac Hirsch, a very funny comic, explained to me that he had a 27-34 pants size. Which is bananas. Which is ridiculous.

That's like the size of, that's like the proportions of the Uncle Sam stilts pants. It's batshit ridiculous. He's also not that tall. He must have a very short torso. I think he's pretty tall. He's just so slight you probably don't think it. Because I think he's probably six foot. Yeah, that's the size pants like Jack Skellington wears Where's yeah, maybe just as a short torso. Yeah, exactly

It's just fucking but it's not yes like get him like from the dark web or something like he's just like yeah It's impossible. I think's real funny. I feel bad I forgot who he was the first like nine times I met him, but I think him for after a while. I thought I was doing a bit I wasn't I just have a lot of concussions, buddy. Yeah. All right, whose turn is it? Tom's. It's my turn.

Oh, Tom is in repose right now. Don't move a muscle. I want a photograph of you. Yeah, draw me like one of your French bitches. Yeah. That's from my favorite movie, America Boat. Tom, man. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, that song is going to be the last song that plays if the world ends on CNN.

Keith told me about that. Oh, that's one of the ones. Yeah, my country, tis of thee. Yeah. Okay, long time to explain, but go Google that. It's very interesting. Yeah, yeah, Google CNN end of the world video. Russia's prepped a search party for a nuclear missile it lost at sea six months ago, giving

us the Illuminati version of, oh, my bad, dude, I can't find my keys. What? Sure. Look, it's the fourth joke. Was it, like, dude, where's my car thing? I got where you were going. Yeah, it was, the key to the car was gone.

It wasn't my best joke. No, no, no, no, no. Quite bad. Yeah, no, yeah. All right, you want to do a joke? Oh, yeah, sorry. Are you looking at butts no what are those nothing they're not you're not on at fat cheeks

no or at fat underscore cheeks okay that's where all the good stuff is dude underscores really are like the underground version of handles. Shut up. No, Tom, it's for when you have a common but not that common last name. Yeah. I meant more for like, A, you want photos of feet, but if you go to underscore feet, then those are like the raunchy feet. No.

No. No, you're incorrect on every conceivable level. It's just something I've noticed. Yeah, well, you put two X's at the beginning and the end. That means you're a sniper. Yeah, that means your name has whiskers. I'm not a foot guy. I'm just saying.

That's not the issue with your point. I'm going to do some foot research based on exactly what I just said. I'm staring at me with binoculars. I wish I was a foot guy. You know, that seems like a pretty harmless one. I can be in the right context. I feel like it's sort of like one out of a hundred. I'm like, yeah, put them on my mouth.

I don't... Yeah, I guess I would suck toes. I don't think I've ever sucked toes. It's a pretty good... I feel like that would feel good. Your bit you have about women making the he that he went to jared face about like looking a butthole yeah very similar thing if you find a gal who's like not i feel like 90 percent of like ladies not super into it the other 10 percenters like oh me like yeah i'm not i'm not

a fuck guy i do kick a lot in my sleep though yeah all right sorry so uh after seven years of construction a russian monument was revealed to be of the statue of the wrong man one official said if this happened to china we could have gotten away with it nicely done a man is facing life in prison after sexually assaulting a sleeping passenger on a spirit airlines flight authorities are shocked that any human being could fall asleep on a Spirit Airlines flight. It's a bad plane. You could fall asleep in the plane the Wright brothers flew in. No, dude, I went fucking middle seat on a Spirit Airlines flight. Really?

There has never been a less sleepable situation. Because you can sleep anywhere. I'm jealous. Oh, I'm a fucking, I'm a conker donker, dude. You're conky conk, bro. Yeah, I'm a fucking, I'm a conky donker, dude. You're conky conk, bro. Yeah, I'm conky conk. No, that was the biggest nightmare I've ever flown. Okay.

Yeah. All right. A young boy is dying from leukemia. A young boy who is who? Stop. Stop. Stop. Plant your feet.

Try again. All right. Feet planted. A young boy who is dying from leukemia wants racing stripes on his coffin, meaning this boy will be going zero to 60 when they drop his casket into the ground. In other news, Dura Flame is now sponsoring cremations. All right. Oh, nothing going on there.

Nothing. Nothing linear. No turn. Tell you what, plant your underscore feet and write a better joke. Tom, where in the hot fuck does Duraflame enter the equation? Everything you just said was asinine bullshit. Well, that's your opinion. It sure is.

That gave me an aneurysm. I will defend your right to have it, even if it's wrong. I will defend to the die. Dura Flame is just a great reference, okay? It's in all great comedy specials. Pryor, Nanette, Cosby. No. Alright, well, after the

great one, it's like, oh, this was fun, and then whoever's last is just like, ah, shit. I'm kind of thumbing it in here. I had a good start. Yeah. And then ended in flames. Dura Flames.

Oh, I all uped you, bitch. Shut up flames. Dura flames. Dura flames. We're talking about it again. Oh, I all uped you, bitch. Shut up, you fat goon. Riff off, riff off. We'll be right back. And now, Tom Goss reads a direct quote from the President of the United States. But it's a tremendous form of energy in the sense that in a military way, think of it, coal is indestructible.

You can blow up a pipeline. You can blow up the windmills. You know the windmills. Boom, boom, boom. Bing. That's the end of that one. If the birds don't... If the birds don't kill it first, the birds could kill it first. The birds could kill it first.

They kill so many birds. You look underneath some of these... You look underneath some of these windmills. It's like a killing field. The birds. But, you know, that's what they were going to. The birds could kill it first. They kill so many birds.

You look underneath some of those windmills. It's like a killing field. The birds. But, you know, that's what they were going to. They were going to windmills it's like a killing field the birds but you know that's what they were going to they were going to windmills and you know don't worry about when the wind doesn't blow i said what happens when the wind doesn't blow well then we have a problem okay good they were putting them in areas where they didn't have much wind too and it's a subsidiary it's and it's and it's a subsidiary is it subsidiary or subsidiary

and it's a subsidiary you need subsidy for windmills you subsidy. Who wants to have energy when you need subsidy? So Cole is doing great. That was Tom reading a direct quote from the President of the United States. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast returns. Last night I jumped by the comedy store. I got a copy of the new book, Ringside or Roast Battle, The First Five Years of L.A.'s Fight Club for Comedians by Julie Seba... Seba?

Seba. Seba. Seba. Seba. Seba. Seba. Julie the C-word wrote a great book about Roast Battle. Old seafaring Julie. and i wanted to put out

that i literally just opened to a random page of it and it happened to be about me and connor and i if you could read this excerpt yeah uh if you want to leave now you can ross then caution the audience it's a very special wiener takes all none accepted the out paying homage to skank fest naked roast with zach amico conor mcspadden and Keith Carey's third recurring showdown saw the best friends dropping boxing ropes for a fully nude, ballsiest battle of the lot. By all accounts, the pair did tell jokes, but attentions admittedly focused somewhere south of their mouths, particularly when Carey sang into a deep squat and McSpadden hoisted one leg atop Carey's back like a seafaring captain. Coach T unleashed strands of sultry saxophone music throughout.

So yeah, we're in a book. That's weird. If I've learned anything from that excerpt, it's that instead of calling it a front hole, we should call it a south mouth. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, a south paw, even better.

Oh, there you go, man. A little knuckle. So, yeah, go pick up Julie's book, Ringside of the Roast Battle, the first five years of L.A.'s comedy fight club. If you're a roast battle nerd, which I know some of you guys are. And it's insane. It's insane we've been doing this for five years.

Yeah. You and me came in around, like, honestly, I've been doing it for like four years, I feel. Probably year one. Yeah. Yeah, I came, I consider myself a part of the second wave of roast battlers. Yeah, and I was sort of... When I came, Ross was already there,

and, you know, that whole thing, Rel was still there and all that. So, yeah, no, it was fucking, I mean, every every great thing that i've gotten every cool thing i've got to do in my career is because of uh the roast battle it's fucking they uh and i talked to moses about it and he's like yeah put anybody up because i feel like if i don't do that i'm not i'm depriving myself a new talent and uh you know sometimes even still someone goes up there does a great job and it's kind of uh kind of everyone gets introduced to you in a really cool way because i went up there you know no one knew who i was joe dosh uh you know dearly departed uh from the podcast not from life uh he's talking and doing it after we bullied the

shit out of our friend derrick murray at a show in huntington beach where i had a pretty good line was like derrick do you wear superhero t-shirts because uh they have two identities and you don't even have one that was good i guess i could that's off the cuff pretty good but yeah uh so he bullied me into doing it i battled uh drew lynch it was uh i remember going up it was uh ross and uh david tell and tony were judging and uh yeah i just told the first joke and i looked up and all those people were laughing i saw everyone in the back laughing you know and it was like all of a sudden i got off stage everyone kind of like was like oh hey hi nice to meet you know i kind of introduced myself to that whole uh whole crew and it was really uh it was really a beautiful time and like being there in

that in that period that era wasn't like i remember the first one i ever went to was when you fought steve hernandez oh yeah in the main room yeah it was funny because i was like i had never i didn't know the show existed and i was like this is the most punk rock fucking thing i've ever seen and then they were like yeah this is like a lame one like you got to come to like not because of you because of the main room yeah yeah you got to come to it in the belly room and i went i'm like oh this is everything i've ever wanted comedy to be no it was yeah it was funny like i was up there like you know i would be there looking at it and i'd be like shit we're gonna talk about this for the rest of our lives like yeah it was it was a

beautiful like it was like you hear that shit about like shows and stuff and you're like oh whatever and then you and you know seeing that i'm like oh man i get it so it was uh yeah it's been a fucking amazing thing uh for me for me, for comedy. It is legitimately a, a worldwide phenomenon. And it's, uh, it's kind of cool. It's,

it's a, you got a little book about it. I have some pictures. I think the boys get a couple of shout outs. I haven't read all of it. Uh, you know, but,

yeah, put it, uh, throw it up on the shelf. That's a little coffee table book. It's a fun, uh, picture of me and Joe battling a riot here.

That's fun with, uh, Willie Hunter doing some karate moves and shit. They got all of us posing in front of the billboard. Yeah, it's pretty, uh, it's pretty cool. So go check that out. Yeah, man's fun with Willie Hunter doing some karate moves and shit. They got all of us posing in front of the billboard. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So go check that out. Yeah, man. And with that out of the way, we're going to play a game that does not have a name yet

because it's kind of just a hodgepodge version of an old game we used to play. We've done this domain name taken fucking forever. We're going to do it today, but it's this Twitter handle taken. Yeah. And I've combed the dumbest possible Twitter handles I could think of. Let's see if they're real. You ready? How you doing, Tom? Oh, I'm feeling beautiful.

I looked over during that emotional tribute to Roast Battle. For half a second, you genuinely looked asleep. I mean, no one is more tired of talking about Roast Battle than me. I was saying, but I want to give you a shout out. I love it to death, but I'm just like, so what's what's it about i'm like i don't i've already there's always uh calling my friend gay is funny like it's a beautiful thing and it's done a lot for me

smarter men than us could explain why it matters first one exactly is this twitter handle real or not at butt fuckerson yeah that's real that's sure. I feel like I've seen that guy. That guy might be like a big account or something. ButtFuckerson. ButtFuckerson. At ButtFuckerson. Yeah, I got to imagine that's real. You can't not fuckerson the butts.

That spirit's out there. Great. What? Am I right or wrong? Google translate your own. You tell me. ButtFuckerson is a real Twitter handle. He has zero followers.

And he's tweeted exactly once. Five years ago, he said, I just downloaded Minecraft. Oh, man. I'm going to go retweet that right now. As will I. Yeah, but Fuckerson. Yeah, okay. Fuck you.

While you're working on that, I'll give you your next one. this twitter domain taken at horny weatherman oh yes this is like someone tried to start a like a parody account uh and uh they just didn't really fucking uh they just it just didn't take off you know like they didn't they didn't commit to it or whatever right yeah i think it was some guy was like i'm gonna have this whole horny weatherman character and he did it six times and he gave up i because i thought about dude i was gonna start one called scat and oswald where i was gonna be like skiddy-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba blade runner director's cut like i thought it was gonna be a shit thing that's so much funny yeah yeah i was just he was just gonna make jazz sounds and then say pat and i was like do-ba-do-ba-do-ba-do Fandom man is bad. Brie is the best cheese.

Or just whatever. I just retweeted ButtFuckerson. Yeah, me too. I didn't like it though. Fuck that shit. I think Horny Weatherman is going to be open. At Horny Weatherman is real to be open. At Horny Weatherman is real. And you're exactly right.

It's a parody account who took a hard swing, one following, seven followers. Oh, nice. Although the first one's kind of fun. Everything's dry out there right now, but Mother Nature's going to be one wet bitch tonight. Who's he following? Like Mark Kriske or something? I did not see. I should have checked.

I didn't get screenshots. Next one. I'll look it up. At Lumpy Nutsack. Lumpy Nutsack. Oh, shit. Hmm. I don't know who that was. I don't think that's taken.

I just don't think. I'm trying to think. All right. Lumpy Nuts. Is that. What would they. Hmm. I like the logic.

I'm going to do one called Horny Weatherman, and he just talks about whether or not he's horny, and he always is. Doing like horny either-ors? Yeah, he's just following one guy that's presumably the guy who created Horny Weatherman. Today's forecast, horny with a chance of sex. I think that's lumpy nut sack.

I think it's not taken. Okay, we're both going to think fake. That one is fake. Yeah. Next one, atrapevan98. Real. Yeah, that's real. I mean, that's crazy there are 97 other rape vans, but I think that's real.

I hope he was born in 98, not graduated in 98, because that means that he hasn't been driving for as long. That's a good point. I want him at least younger, so it's like this is acceptable. I hope he hasn't had that long of a rape van driving career. Rape van 98 is real. I don't know how old he is, because it's just a picture of Tommy Wiseau

from The Room. Although he does have one funny tweet, just voted for a dude, no homo. That's not bad. It's funny. You go through the rest of his tweeting and you realize, I think this is a Trump guy. What? No way.

Yeah. What? Rape van? I was going to be confused with rape vans, which is what you wear to the Pennywise show. Shots. All right. Next one. Yeah.

Hello? Yeah. I'm here to deliver a joke. Okay. Goodbye. At John Wilkes boobs. Oh, I want that to be real. If that's not, someone snap it up.

John Wilkes boobs. No, I don't think so. That reeks of Carrie revisionism. It's got your fucking Cheeto prints all over it. Six-ember dead anus. Yeah. You know what's real weird? Because I'm distantly related to John Brown.

And then in high school. You've never brought this up before. I don't think I've ever brought it up on the podcast. Me and this guy fucking hate each other. And he brought up that. Me and this guy fucking hate each other. He brought up that... No way. You and another person? Yeah. He brought up that his relative was John Wilkes Booth.

Okay. And I was like, oh shit, that makes sense. Our ancestors also disliked each other immensely. I think I'm genetically disposed to not liking people. This was not a great story. I am fully off right now. Not liking people. This was not a great story. I am fully off right now, so I'm just going to continue putting my foot higher up on my thigh. You're leaning too.

Tom, you fat sideways flamingo. Yeah, Tom, you've turned your body into like a new arc. I can't deal with how much of your thigh I'm seeing right now. Can you do this? Tom, no more swim trunks while we're podcasting. That's a new rule. Hey, my shirt's on. No one should be complaining. This is the most clothed we've been doing a show in months.

Because we have air conditioning, bro. Ah, we're in the future. Luxury. Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm going to do more physical gags That's why you should buy the Rose Battle book. Because we're trying to get air conditioning for the whole squad, baby. I mean, how can you not buy the Rose Battle Book when the show has fostered talent like this?

I know, yeah. Oh, the fucking... Have we ever done any... What if Bane molested Pokemon? Where? Don't tell your trainer. I'm going to catapult in your mouth. Where?

I have a meta poop. I'm Rye horny. I'm going to throat fuck you until you're coughing. Oh, no. John Wilkes Booth's is fake. Somebody get it. One of our fans. Yeah, someone grab that.

Did I tell you the story about the guy who I went to school with? Two more, two more, two more. At Hitler6942020 that's real that was the first handle ever registered it was jack dorsey and then hitler 69 420 no one has it no one has it a mean boys fan first one of you get to get hitler 69 420 i will send you something i want that to be a mean boys affiliated account. Yeah, a fucking community guideline strike because we don't support hate handling. Exactly. And last one, at Cone Zone. Ah, you piece of shit.

Well, I mean, in California, there's all those lines that say, like, slow for the Cone Zone. So this is probably some, like, Department of Transportation, like, lame, corporatized, wannabe cool Twitter account. Yeah, not like an ice cream cone. No, it's not as cool as an ice cream cone company that will never exist. I guess it is because it's like how many times does zero go into 100? It's infinity

because you're never going to create the cone zone. Fight the system. Send me money to start cone zone. Yeah, they already send us money. No, no, no. Cone Zone specific money. Here's a counteroffer. Don't do that.

Yeah, if you start a Cone Zone Patreon, I will learn how the law works and take action. I will Google the law. If you understand that I'll lose all of my tax breaks for employing a mentally deranged man, I'll be in the red by hundreds of dollars. I'm just saying that people need a zone where they can cone. I do think that cone

zone would work. I just don't certain aspects of it will not work. Making a cone out of just pure chocolate is going to melt. It's not particularly doable. You pitching cone zone is like to melt. It's not particularly doable. You pitching Cone Zone is like Michael Bay pitching Schindler's List. Like, yes, it's a great idea

for a movie. You're not the man to make it. Yeah, that's a pretty perfect analogy. I'm not Michael Bay in this scenario. The genius who came up with Cone Zone is the genius who could run it out of the ground. So you want a subterranean ice cream

hobbit holery? Cone Zone, the number one cone establishment for the mall people community. Come down the ladder and try out a toffee encrusted cone. The chocolate cone won't melt because we're miles from the sun.

Yeah, the cold unforgiving embrace of the earth is the perfect environment for the crinkles. There's something about the crust, but the cone has a crust. Can I have money? A cone-shaped building would really sell this, actually. They come in chocolate and many other flavor. When do moles get teeth? Yeah, no, it's like a cone-sized building for Cone Zone. Or a cone truck.

A cone-sized. No, cone-shaped. You know cones. No take-backs. This is your play now. The size of an ice cream cone. Wallow in your own stupidity. So you have to, now look, if you shrink down the operations, some of the logistics of the properties of these cones might actually be more functional

if you had a shrink ray with which to downsize your customers so they could enter your building. Impossible trillion dollar operation. You're describing that Matt Damon movie, but with ice cream now. Yeah, I am. That's what you described when you said you wanted a cone-sized building. I wanted a cone-shaped building. You said size. I meant shape.

You want the Arrested Development lemon banana stand, you know. No, no, no. I want it to be a building. Not to be like a skyscraper, but it needs to be. I don't want an ice cream shop that is also a 400-story skyscraper. I'm not greedy. I want to scrape the toe of God with my conery. Breaking news today is the Burj Khalifa is replaced as the world's tallest building by the cone zone.

Saudi Arabian business magnate says it is money laundering operation. We also have butterscotch. No one expected this ice cream shop located in, I have to assume, Barstow, California. No one knows why either that the Saudi Arabian business guy has a Russian accent. Hello, I'm from Saudi Arabia. We do much shit with swords. I'm from Saudi Arabia. Are you a filthy traveler?

I do not care for this Aladdin comer. I don't think the Saudis would enjoy the Cone Zone. Maybe. Are you ready to get your fucking mind blown? It's not taken. Oh, so at Cone Zone is taken. Damn it. It's taken by a guy who fucking never tweeted.

But there was a bunch of Cone Zone derivatives, and I screenshotted this. So I want you to know I wasn't looking up while we were talking. And the one that I screenshotted that was funny was at Cone Zone SA. And the bio is Cone Zone, the highest quality ice cream in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia. I swear to fucking god oh they got this gribbly language too you have to doing that thing where it's all till days but somehow it means we need to tweet out this photo i will oh man i cannot believe how perfectly that rounded itself. Holy shit. I don't even think you brought it up.

I think I brought it up. They don't even have photos of fucking cones. It's just ice cream. They're disrespecting the whole idea. You can't have a cone zone and then just advertise the ice cream. Hey, I'm going to tell you right now. Yeah, you can, Tom. You want to know how many ice cream places there are called cones on?

Like 400. But not one that's specific to cones. It's almost like it's a bad idea because no one had it. What? On that note. Yeah, Tom, you think you're the Nikola Tesla of ice cream? You're just one of his pigeons. No, I think of the fucking Benjamin Franklin of cones.

Not the ice cream, the cones. Because you're going to get a gout? Because you also have syphilis? Yeah. Hey, I have a syphilis brain without any syphilis. I don't need syphilis on top of it. We get it. You're dumb and you don't fuck.

Because you're bald and obsessed with stoves? Because you've urinated on a printing press machine before? I could continue. I know a lot of things about Benjamin Franklin. I didn't know that pissing on the printing press. Yeah, that's how they had to clean the ink off, apparently, or something like that. They used to have to piss on them. And he was like, yeah, I was 10 years old, and I had to go piss on a bunch of printing shit to make flyers for America or something.

America, playing at your friend's bar. I think it's just unfair. I was trying to be one of those 4chan fucking educated fedora nerds when I was a kid, and I remember reading his autobiography. That was the one thing. I only retained the shittiest information yeah the most useless i'm just like oh yeah benjamin franklin peed on something which is hilarious yeah he also had a system of like he would like have this like moral spreadsheet and he would give himself demerits and he's like oh i wasted the evening reading that's a uh that's an idleness demerit or something just fucking weird interesting That's interesting.

Well, now that we've learned about Benjamin Franklin and crushed Tom's dreams with the Saudi Arabian ice cream empire. You think that crushed my dreams? I could do it better than Saudi Arabia. There's not one thing in the world where that sentence could be true. Yeah. What are you better at than the Saudi Arabian government? Maybe. Maybe

comedy. Maybe. Maybe. Perhaps. Hey, we beat the robot. He tells the jokes. None of us can do a Saudi Arabian accent. I'll tell you what. I don't think we're going to do ourselves any favor trying.

Yeah. So, yeah, the Memo's podcast will be right back right after this. Swoosh. How the fuck are you, everybody? your boy mark malloy you might know me as south boston's number one name in general scumbaggery or as the guy who tied a bunch of balloons to a lawn chair to try and watch a socks game without paying 300 bucks on my left nut for nosebleeds fucking bandwagon cocksuckers driving up ticket prices it's so steep god-fearing americans like me can't even afford to spend an afternoon

with their families whipping batteries at the Yankees. And I'll suck Derek Jeter's dick live on stage at Radio City before I shell out that kind of money. So I went down to Party City, I got a fuck-ton of these fucking balloons, and I hovered my ass over the Green Monster. Yeah, it was working great until someone went deep and took me out like a fucking bird in a jet engine.

I went down faster than that knob-gobbler Tom Brady at Fleet Week. Long story short, I'm currently in the hospital, laid up with a wicked case of what the doctors are calling massive trauma of the everything. And there's fuck all the doing here except try to get the nurse to jack me off and watch the news. And she doesn't seem, you know, super into it. I don't know. I can't tell if she's a rug muncher or doesn't speak English or what the fuck's going on. But'm watching the news and holy shit kid everybody that cocksucker trump hired is getting popped michael cohen's done paul manafort's getting fucked over proper both these fellas are like shamu they can flip as hard as they want but they're still gonna die in captivity and while i sincerely hate donald trump i think anybody who works for him has it coming i also got a soft spot

for anybody who gets popped by the fuzz my hatred of new New York is eclipsed only by my deep love of criminal endeavors. And that's why I'm here to offer my tips on surviving a trip to the joint. So Paul and Mikey, if you're out there, listen the fuck up. Okay, so rule one, first day, do some gay shit. Like immediately, before anybody asks you to. Normally rule one is fight the biggest guy in the yard but let's face it you're not the fighting type paul manafort looks like somebody aged the dad from seventh heaven in a whiskey barrel and michael cohen's you know a fucking jew look i'm not being anti-semitic i'm just saying they haven't won a fucking fight in 8 000 years i don't see them starting now so utilize your greatest asset moist holes are you gonna love it probably not but it's gonna

happen anyway so you can either be a victim or you can be a team player plus if you're backing up on it you can kind of control the depth of the swing it's the same reason i hold my own beer bong because i know how much i can take to the back of the throat before i'm gonna puke the twinks in boystown call it topping from the bottom but I prefer to call it fucking smarter, not harder. Rule number two, be white. I'm not saying that's not fucked up, but it's going to make your trip easier. And honestly, you guys have this one fucking all the way covered, so we'll move on to rule number three. Keep to your fucking self.

Some people will tell you to join a gang. And sure, if this were West Side Story, go to fucking town. Get out there in the streets. Raz Officer Krupke or whatever the fuck. But we're talking hardcore motherfuckers. So unless you want to get choked to death with a fucking shoelace, mind your own fucking business. Don't talk to nobody. Don't be friends with nobody.

I know you got a knack for scheming your way into power, but don't get uppity and try to become the comptroller for the Aryan Brotherhood or some shit. Because it doesn't end well for you. Prison gangs are like the Republican Party. They might say they got your back, but when the shit goes down, they do not. And finally, rule four, have fun. Sure, it's not fucking ideal, but prison isn't the worst place you can go. They got a gym, you get to meet new, exciting, terrifying people, and you get all the top ramen your butthole can buy. I'll pass on some wisdom I got from my grandfather, Declan Mad Dog Malloy. Declan served 50 years in Rikers for beating 20 cops to death

with nothing but a sack of potatoes. He used to say to me, Marky, always remember this. When life hands you lemons, stick them in the back of the shitter in your cell and make some pruno. Alright, it's time for the nurse to come scrub the gunk out of my body cast. I'm gonna see if I can get her to throw me a handy before the morphine kicks in.

Good luck, motherfuckers. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time to dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag.

Bag of mail. Mean Boys Mailbag. Yep, there's a jingle from Andrew Hillary himself. Even on short notice, we've got a pretty fat mailbag this week. Let me scroll on down. Our bag is swollen with wisdom. Oh, yeah. Resplendent.

I think a fucking homeboy from Germany. What's his fucking name? He asked us. Hendrick asked us, fuck, marry, kill the three roast battle judges. I've considered my answer a little bit. I'm all right. I kill Anthony Jeselnik. We know

your wisdom here. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. I have to fuck Jeff Ross because I don't want Jeff Ross to die. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. I have to fuck Jeff Ross because I don't want Jeff Ross to die. Jeff's a friend of mine. It's not going to be any fun for anybody, but we'll get through it. And then I would marry Nikki. Interesting.

That's very nice. I think I love Jeff. I think I kill Jeff just because he's had the longest run. Okay. He's the closest to death. Yeah. I fuck Anthony Jeselnik because I want to fuck Anthony Jeselnik. And then I marry Nikki because someone's got to be a third thing. Yeah.

I feel like Nikki has the longest overall earning potential. So I feel like I'm trying to marry into some money here. Okay. Yeah. And also, yeah, I feel like I would want to fuck Anthony Jeselnik once, but I feel like it would be a bummer to do it twice. Gotcha. I can't take the level of emotional abuse I want her to put me through two times. Oh, yeah, it's going to be some real bummer shit.

Oh, we're going to do some real, I'm on a leash for this. I'd marry Jeff because he's the closest to death of the three. Okay. And also. Oh, smart. Oh, that is smart thinking. Yeah, and also I feel like we we get along just hanging around the house. I like that you said that like, yeah, everybody wants to watch their husband die.

That's what it's all about. I'd fuck Nicky, kill Anthony, and then I'd take over his show. Then I think it's canceled. That's how it works. Yeah, his show that's been canceled for many years. Yeah, if you eat his heart, you get to host the Jezzelnik offensive in the past. It's very weird. Yeah, you get to host Anthony Jezzelnik's Offensive in the past. It's very weird. Yeah, you get to host Anthony Jezzel Neck's show.

What's it called? Tosh.0? Yeah, look, that's in the fine print of all Viacom contracts. If somebody eats your heart, they get your show. Which is why I am working on my bow and arrow skills and heading to Chris Hardwick's house. No, I'm kidding. I'll stab him with a point. I'm not going to shoot Chris Hardwick with a bow and arrow.

I'm going to stab midnight Alright Myrtle Zeke Hasks us on Instagram Have the boys ever won any contests I think I've won two contests in my life The Ventura Comedy Contest And the Cosmic Bowling Dance Off

When I was a kid I'm going to need more information I did a lot of dance moves at the Cosmic Bowling Dance Off That I learned on the show Hey Arnold. Okay. Like the disco points. Right. I really left it all on the floor.

I believe I had some kind of silly outfit that I'd cobbled together. And yeah, I was given the prize. I don't remember what the prize was, but I remember I was pretty proud of myself. Nice. I won a pie-eating contest once. What? I don't want it to be true, but I did. It was a church camp thing.

Oh, man. It was just who can eat a pie fast, and it was me. I was the guy who ate the pie fast. I went to Bible fucking group one time in middle school and had a pie eating contest, and it was just 10 things

full of whipped cream. That's pretty much what our situation was. I think you fucking won a Bible. It was impossible. Yeah, it was mad gay. I would be bragging if it was a good... I wanted to enter a pie-eating contest at the Orange County Fair embarrassingly recently. Because I was like, you get free tickets to Knott's Berry Farm if you win.

It's where they invented the boysenberry, so it's a tie-in thing. Oh, got the beautiful marketing. Yeah, but they wouldn't let me enter. Yeah, they just saw you and they're like, you're juicing. The berry bonds of eating a pie with no hands. Pie steroids. Fucking cherry bonds. Just a quick reminder, at my funeral, I would like a pie eating contest with whatever surviving,

willing ex-girlfriends or sexual partners I've met. But the winner has to go up against me. Oh, yeah, you're the final boss. I love that this is a world where you're the E. Honda of fucking pies. This is a world where I outlive you. Can we throw in another curve? Sure. Can I be the one who makes all the pies?

Yes. I'm out. I want you to learn how to, and it'll be edible. All the ingredients in pie, there's no, like, outside of an egg, I think you're pretty safe. Oh, you're right. Tom won't figure out a way to fuck this up. No, I think he got it. I believe in Tom.

Look at his face. Look how happy he is. He knows he's going to put a broken light bulb in there. Well, don think he got. I believe in Tom. Look at his face. Look how happy he is. He knows he's going to put a broken light bulb in there. Well, don't hurt my ex-girlfriends. All right? That's Connor's job. Emotionally.

What if one of them hurt you? Because of my self-hatred. That's what I meant. What? What if one of them hurt you? What do you mean? Like physically or? I don't know.

Like emotionally? Oh, then like kill her with piano wire. No, idiot, don't hurt her. No, they're all welcome. They all just, look, it's 10% of my inheritance to whoever. And it'll be a fun thing. 10% of my inheritance. It'll be fun.

I mean, I'm leaving the rest of my kids. You get my Epstein monster kids. It's a lot of them. It'll be Brewster's thousands. Yep. Brewster's hundreds. Yeah, Brewster's $7 left on this Starbucks gift card. Brewster's sneaker collection. Brewster's copy of Brewster's Millions left on this Starbucks gift card. Brewster's sneaker collection.

Brewster's copy of Brewster's Millions on VHS. Crazy sneakers. Brewster's mostly done bag of beef jerky. All right. One time me and Keith did a podcast, and I came in with some Panda Express, and I almost forgot it. And I was like, oh, I almost left my life savings here. I was particularly broke at the time, and I just thought it was funny. Yeah.

I'm a two-time Blazing Challenge winner, but that was more a competition with yourself. It's like a fat golf. You do not defeat the wings. You defeat your own weakness. And I almost won a high school wide rock, paper, scissors contest. Oh, I won the Colony High School Yu-Gi-Oh! Championship, something for which

Kent Nguyen still owes me 20 bucks. So Kent, if you're out there, pay up, you son of a bitch. We all gave you the money to hold it, which was a bad move on our part. We shouldn't have given you the buy-in, but I did beat Christian. He had a Crystal Beast deck. He put up a good fight, but he was no match for the Zombies.

I also won a championship as a high school coach. Oh, yeah. For lacrosse. I forgot you were a lacrosse coach. Yeah, actually, I think we went three. Have I told my Little League story of how I ended up on my Little League team before? No, but I bet it's a King of the Hill episode.

No, maybe. I don't know. I played Little League, and they traded me to the best team. I was the only kid in the league who ever got traded, and I didn't realize until later that they had actually had to make a deal where the other team was so good that they had to put me on it to handicap them. Like, I was so bad.

I found out I was like a reverse ringer. That's the King of the Hill where Bobby's on the track team. You were the stick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Man, that's funny. Oh, that's really sad that that is a King of the Hill episode. I called it. Ah, shit. Okay, yeah. Fuck. Man, that's funny. Oh, that's really sad that that is a King of the Hill episode. I called it.

Ah, shit. Okay, yeah, we'll continue looking at some shit. Fuck. Okay, I closed it. I got it. Hooked up with my first nose ring chick last night. If only I had a Mean Boys condom. May have used one.

Probably should have. Yeah, use condoms, guys. I feel like I'm the only one out here that's still using condoms. You guys got to use condoms. It's important. Yeah. Use condoms, guys. I feel like I'm the only one out here that's still using condoms. You guys got to use condoms. It's important. Yeah. It's not that hard. They don't feel that bad.

Don't be a baby about it. I use condoms. They're like little finger puppets. Yeah. Is Ramsey actually a Republican? He'll say he's a constitutional conservative. So what that means is Nazi. Ramsey is a full-bore Nazi.

Or maybe a strict constructionalist. He's not registered to vote. I've heard political nihilist. Yeah, he says that one. Really, all of these translate to Ramsey is on Adderall. Ramsey is an agitator, a malcontent. Yeah, there you go. He's shaking it up.

He's the fly in the ointment, et cetera. You know, he's just kind of a... Whatever an anonymous mask is, he's a that. He has only allegiance to mischief. All right, what sport do you think the players or athletes should legally be obligated to get drunk or high before doing? Baseball. Darts. Politics.

My dad... Baseball. My dad's a big fan of that idea, by the way. Okay. Drunk politics. He keeps trying to figure out a way to send a bunch of weed to Capitol Hill because he thinks it'll solve. There's got to be a cheaper way for him to go to prison. He thinks it's going to solve all the problems.

Go to a public park and wait. I mean, I've seen your dad. As though the Senate is going to open a bag of weed from a strange man in Orange County and be like, well, we passed a motion to maybe just chill out for a minute. Yeah, he's just like, if they all get baked before they pass legislation, the world would be a better place. I'll run this by the Bongo subcommittee. So your dad is 15. Because I remember having this exact conversation with my kid. Hey, man, we got to just sit out in the quad and make policies.

I had the same fucking conversation with my cousin Dylan in his garage when I was a teenager. I was like, if politicians got high, there wouldn't be war. Yeah, no, my dad very much believes this. And every time, like, Dad, you've been hitting the 420s for, like, 12 months. They would just come up with funnier ways to still do war. It would be like, what if we made a gun that shot guns, man? What if, hear me out, the disco bomb. Which is also what Keith orders at most diners.

I don't know if you know it, it's a gravy with fries in the gravy. What kind of deck did Tom run when he was into magic the gathering i know there's three colors in it uh that was like your whole claim to fame right yeah it was a three color uh my favorite deck i ever created uh was for the anaheim grand prix it was a block deck it was a it was during the fuck it wasn't it was after anistrad. It was a red, white, green Angel Human ramp deck. And everyone told me it wasn't going to work, and I kicked the fuck... I made it to like seven rounds before I accidentally cheated and got kicked out of the fucking tournament. Oh, that's so good.

Yeah, I literally did not know I was breaking a rule with my side deck. Oh, gotcha. But it looked like my side deck was in a bigger stack of cards, even though I never pulled anything out of the bigger stack of cards. It was just me being on a lot of prescription medication and not thinking things through.

And they're like, you can't do that. And I was like, fuck you, I got an Avacyn. Oh yeah, I had a lot of Avacyn in there. This is interesting to the one person who's ever played Magic who listens to this podcast. Even the guy who asked the question has to be like, uh, I had a lot of Avacyn in there. This is interesting to the one person who's ever played Magic who listens to this podcast. Even the guy who asked the question has to be like, why?

No, it's an interesting... I'm sure it is. Because everyone was also very down by the... There were these very, like, oh, the pros use this deck, so I'm going to build this deck. And I was like, no, I'm going to do my own thing. And I ended up kicking the shit out of some fools. I mean, it got to the point with Yu-Gi-Oh! where it was like, there's a deck that's the best deck,

and then it was like a Formula One car, where it was like, this is the engine, this is how you want to set it up. There's little variations for you personally that you might like for surprises, and it was like, yeah, I mean, sure, I run the fucking Dino Rabbit, but I got a snowman eater in there.

You know, fucking, I can Ixie into a Leviathan with my tour guide at the end. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I've never been less interested. At least Magic doesn't have his lame of names. A tour guide? Does somebody want to talk about Dinosaur Jr.? Now, are there any moments in the podcast that cause you embarrassment just

thinking about them? If so, which one gets you the most and what bugs you about it? The last three minutes. Yeah. Tom, Van Damme Academy, probably. Yeah, Van Damme was pretty hilariously embarrassing I mean, Dog Story is pretty up there

I don't know, I don't think so I think I'm pretty okay with it, I guess It is still weird when people know a lot of stuff about you but I guess that's kind of what it is I'm not really embarrassed by personal stuff It's stuff I've written for the show that ended up not being funny Yeah I never believed it I think you should fail publicly sometimes stuff it's like stuff i've like written for the show that ended up not being funny yeah yeah yeah

like i never believe i think you should fail publicly sometimes but like you know there's certain stuff i'm like i was lame yeah like oh it was like it could have been good you know yeah uh weirdest worst or favorite names of places you've done comedy in big lagralski is so bad uh that was cool uh that was a good venue though so that was a big wagrowski is a great venue with a dumb name yeah i don't fucking know man they're asking our favorite venues yeah the favorite name names like a goofy name or bad i will say the one that the one that always made me laugh was fucking tickles in uh and i know we've talked about in the show before but if you haven't heard it was a uh comedy room big old air quotes yeah run by a former crackhead in the garage of a sober living home bigger air but he didn't tell you when he booked you like hey you're performing in my garage

he just called it tickles comedy room right that was an established venue and it was the best comedy room you could make in a crackhead it was yeah it was a fun place to do but it was grimy and everything you had to walk down this long just like rape alley to get there yeah so it was just funny why do you perform for people in like the halfway house there'd be like two like glassy eyed dudes like on anti-psychotics just like staring at you in sweatpants going like uh and you're like okay so you want to hear about girls you know but he would book women from la who didn't understand what was happening so just watching like a frightened like lady like our friend eliana horechko one time it booker and she just like walks in terrified

he's just is this tickles i've never seen anybody more about to get their throat cut oh yeah like no that was pretty yeah uh spanky's the first place ever to show spanky oh man i was on that show in santa ana in the parking lot yeah john casso threw me up it was you and nick patrillo was there they were barbecuing hot dogs for a bunch of old perverts oh they're really good yeah i didn't i didn't eat the sex shop hot dogs. Oh, man, I ate so much sex shop barbecue, dude. Okay. I bought a lot of lube because they gave us a gift card.

No, and then we had a contest to who could find the midget's porn, and you had, like, a black midget apartment. I found a black midget who was using an apartment to lure transgendered gals into a fuck-a-thon, and I was like, that's so many fetishes at once. Yeah. All right, well, let's open up our voicemails for the week. Okay. Hey, Mean Boys, what up?

It's Mike Engel. I did some time at the DC show. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, what's up? My question is for Erin, because we have similar last names. She knows the etymology of why she got an I and I got an E. Is that just Val's being crazy? Is it like an Ellis Island thing?

Because it's German, but it means angel. But both she and I got, in German, it's yell, and we both got L-E. Man, this is boring. We can probably cut this one anytime. Alrighty, thanks so much for being mean. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Love, yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to bother asking Aaron about that, but fascinating, and good luck with your Oxycontin addiction. I wasn't at that show, so I didn't meet this guy. But thanks for calling. He was funny.

Mike's a cool dude. Yeah, he was funny. Yeah, he's super funny. All right, next one. Hey, this is Tom Goss, the longtime blister and on the show mostly. Wait, is this when we're on the road? Yes. I thought I'd say hi

and, you know, share the love with the... Yeah, I don't know why I called, but yeah, I hope... Yeah, I'll be there in Portland. 8-9, Portland. 8-10, Chi, Seattle. Tonight I'm at the Chico's.

But I don't think you'll hear this until yeah. I hope they all bombed on the joke off for me in my honor. Peace be with you. Yeah, there you go. That would have been a fun moment if we had played that around what it meant and not three weeks later.

We just didn't have the technology. Okay, so this is a long one. I forgot I did that. The long ones are usually kind of good. All right, let's give it a shot. Let's see what's going on here. Hey, Lean Boys. This is a little strange.

Uh-oh. Like your podcast. I think you guys are fucking funny as fuck. All three of you. I just want to point out the Google predictive text has it saying, like your package. That was funny. Like your package.

I was like, uh-oh. That's what I'm missing. You know, it's something missing, but for the most part, you guys are great. I really called to give you this message. I'm the dad of a 21-year-old trans person. He decided when he was 18 that this was going to be his path in life. And, you know, I'm his dad, and I love him. You know, I support him on every day.

He wants to do with his life, you know. And my main concern is being scared. Being scared for how people are going to treat him. You know, because as a dad, no matter what, I want to protect that kid. And, you know, so I was listening to a couple podcasts ago, and, you know, you had a person call in asking about some information and stuff. And I got a little afraid of what you guys were going to say. But, you know, then you guys surprised me and gave that kid the best message

that, you know, a person in that situation could use and uh he he he made me uh you know i was a i was an all-in mean boy fan but at that point i was like these guys are fucking amazing and what they do is great and uh i've been holding back on calling you guys and saying this uh but uh you know i'm at work and to do a could waste time calling you guys and on that but i wanted to share that i want to say that you guys are you guys are good people and uh you know that that message that you left to that kid brought a tear to mind like it's doing right now. And I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you for not only the people,

from the people going through that situation, but everybody involved, you know. And you can play this message. I don't care. I'm fucking okay with it. If you want to share this, if you don't, it's up to you guys. But I want to say thanks, man. You guys are fucking cool.

And that's it. And fucking, I forget to close out. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Take it easy, guys. Yeah. That was really sweet. That was a fucking emotional rollercoaster.

Thank you, man. Wait, I got lost at the beginning. His son's trans? His son is trans. He was talking about how hard it was going through that process and then it was a lot of sucking our dicks I appreciate it very much that was incredibly kind

it makes me feel really good obviously I'm glad that this show that we help anybody or make anyone feel good it does feel funny to get that earnest and sincere voicemail after I was like well who's Hitler 69 what what about dick cheese mcfart right yeah we're going going we had the 90th fight about cone zone before we listed a voicemail about trans right but yeah no i'm as long as your son's not transitioning into a goddamn cone i'm cones phobic no but yeah no i think we get a follow-up email from that uh that uh the

the our other trans listener oh yeah we were giving the advice to yeah yeah and uh they started their uh their hair their hormone therapy oh fuck yeah yeah i forget which direction they were going but uh so congratulations and yeah fucking uh yeah no and yeah that's the mean boys are about being true to yourself you know and And fucking just doing your thing. We got your back. The Mean Boys listening audience has your back, and fuck the haters. Yeah, we don't care what you are, just don't be an asshole about it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Unless you want to start a cone base. If you get the fuck out of it, go back to Conefrica. Message me directly if you want a part of this business. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, you could go right back to Shape Africa. Message me directly if you want a part of this business. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, you could go right back to Shape Africa. Where all the cones are. Okay, that might be the episode title. Shape Africa.

We already did Dick Africa, which I think was about trans women. Because we're a very inclusive podcast. They're not delicate flowers. They can take a joke. Yeah, no. That's the whole thing. We make fun of everybody. And we also love people.

Here's the problem when you say that. It's like the people who say, I make fun of everybody are usually the worst people ever. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I say, like, man, white people have funny hair and black people should die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You ever notice how your mother-in-law's annoying white people have funny hair and black people should die yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's just notice how your mother-in-law's annoying and every asian has rabies like it's always a false equivalent yeah well it's like it's like even like you guys it's like people like will talk to you like you like like do they know they're fat you know and it's like like every like if you got something going on whatever like you know some of it's like, if you've got something going on, whatever, like, you know, some of you, if you're outside of the fucking what America has decided is the normal thing, you know, it's like, you're aware of it.

There's a set of circumstances coinciding with it. We have a world called sub-cunners. Sub-cunners. Yeah, well, and it's like, you can talk about that without being a cunt about it, and like, hopefully in a fucking amusing way, you know and to try to relate to people or whatever yeah without like uh without being a fucking thank you for telling us that yeah yeah that was really sweet that was very nice worry i had the same thing last night i said i did a show are you supposed to spin a wheel and you uh it's like emotions you know and you do your set in that emotion i got sensual so i did a bunch of sex jokes and then a comic went on

after me and she was just like doing this, like making fun of my bit and just like, yeah, then I fucking hit this bitch in the face. It was very funny,

but I was like, oh my God, I was like thinking like, did I just come across like the dumbest bro of all time, in my joggers, talking about hitting women

consensually or whatever. I talked to her afterwards and it was fine, so I'm always terrified that we just come across as like fucking boner lords. I think people get that we're riding the line a little bit.

Hey, we're boner lords with a lot of heart. Yeah, yeah. We're boner dukes, but we're not full lords. Yeah, we're dukes of boner. Man, this fucking podcast sucks. The Archduke of Bonington. This podcast is terrible. Man, you love the mean voice pee-pee-poo-poo hour, dude.

Yeah, dude, but the mean kid's tee-hee-caw-caw hour. You should have received something in the mail about your car's extended warranty. I don't know why. We keep getting these calls. We keep getting these spam calls. All right.

Why don't you block them? It's funnier to have them pop up every once in a while. Yeah, I mean, it's like when those English guys rant, oh, yeah, fuck, there's an English guy

who didn't want to pay very smartly, didn't want to pay for the fucking fees, so he just sent us a wave file to play and i wanted to play his voicemail oh nice he's from england and that makes it more interesting uh so yeah let's go all right i've said i saw it i said i saw it with google my gmail right and then i fucking i did a label so I could access the information a bit better.

You're doing nine different accents in all, not one of them being British. You don't know anything about fucking. Oh, hello. You're selling New Zealand on a bumpy elevator, dude. Well, hello. No, shut your fat mouth. You're being a Brit. England, maybe?

What the fuck? All right. Yeah, we'll vamp. I'll play another one. Yeah, let's roll another one. Hello. Shut up. Hey, Mean Boys.

It's your boy, Ron Winkler. I have a question for you. Mainly going to Connor, but I'm sure. Yeah, fucking great. It's your boy, Ron Winkler. Great, subtle Mean Boys reference there. Oh, I love it. That was an old school one.

Hey, Mean Boys. It's your boy, Ronon winkler uh i have a question for yeah mainly going to connor but i'm sure keith has had experience with this too and tom always has great insight too so uh well to my co-workers and they are unhappy dating right now we work at a bar restaurant he is amazing she is awful awful awful, awful, awful trash. So I was wondering, she's like guilted him into staying in the relationship for like four times now by saying she's going to kill herself if they break up. And so now he's just kind of like gotten really guilted into staying in the relationship. And now everyone's like, oh, they're terrible together.

But then she's like, well, who're terrible together, but then she's like, well, who's going to propose the next six months? And apparently, according to talking to him, he's starting to indicate that it's probably going to happen. So I'm just kind of wondering, what's the best way to probably try to either break him up or at least delete the proposal or something like that? Because, I mean, with any kind of suicidal thing,

you really don't want to, you know, be all like called their bluff or anything like that, you know? I mean, she's not going to do it, but something like that's tough. Yeah, just looking forward to the response, figuring out what you guys think she should do in that situation, what he should do. And, yeah, that's it. Love the show. Thanks.

It's your boy, Rob Winkler. I like his way. Yeah, man, love the show. It's great. I'm dealing with a life or death situation here. It's your boy, the Winkle. The fate of one of my closest friends hangs love the show. It's great. I'm dealing with a life or death situation here. It's your boy, The Winkle. The fate of one of my closest friends hangs in the balance. Here's a fun callback to a Tom bit that didn't really work out from 120 episodes ago.

Here's how much it didn't work out. I didn't remember that that's what that was until right now. I for sure did. How do I stop my friend from perishing in my arms over a lost love? Anyway, yeah, they work at a bar and grill. All right, Ron Winkler, sign it up. You tell your friend to quit threatening to kill herself and become a dude. It's the only thing.

Anyone who's not trans is not a person. If you are not trans, stop listening to the show. You can go to Shape Africa, too. You are out of there, mister. All right? Or lady, whichever one you were, but don't want to be the show. You could go to Shape Africa too. You are out of there, mister. Or lady, whichever one you were. Ma'am, you hit the bricks. This isn't an exam. Get the fuck out of here. Change places.

Everybody gets switchy. Everybody switch dons tonight. Okay, so I was tracking the English voicemail while we were doing this, so I was tracking the English voicemail while we were doing this, so I was a little distracted.

From what I could ascertain, there's a girl that you're friends with that is dating a guy, and if the relationship ends, she will be really upset. She wants to kill herself. Wait, is he friends with the guy or the girl? I thought he was friends with the guy. That's what I picked up as well.

I mean, I've been in this situation before. I know you have as well. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I've been in this situation before. I know you have as well. Yeah. And the reality of it is this. Like, you can care about somebody and not want them to hurt themselves, but by the same token, you cannot... No one's happy wedding starts with, so I threatened to kill myself until he married me.

Yeah. That's how I met your mother. Like, you know what I mean? That's not going to work as a long-term solution. She needs to get help. You can't be held hostage by this situation. You're not a bad person for getting yourself out of a toxic situation, even if somebody is threatening to hurt themselves.

I will say, like, I was in this situation. It's like I stayed in it for a long time because I was afraid of this outcome, you know, longer than was healthy for anybody, you know. And it was really draining to me mentally. And I kind of compared it to, like, invading a country and then trying to set up a provisional government so you could withdraw your forces. Right. And it never really was good enough, you know. So I didn't, like, try to break up with her until i felt like she had a adequate support system in place you know and she had like things going on in in her in her life then you know she's speaking with her family again and she had like you know

friends around her and stuff to some degree and it was uh i don't know i don't know if that was the right move or not i uh you know the girl the girl's fine now from uh from from what i understand and uh you know we had a troubled relationship in many many many ways but uh i was i'm certainly glad that she didn't i was really terrified about that because i think she's a good person i cared about her a lot you know despite the fact that you know i did not want to uh be dating her anymore for sure so it's fucking it's fucking difficult it's a rough spot i would say like do try to do what you can't like if you like you, through whatever puppeteering you can do to try to make sure, like, she is, like, talking with her family, her friends. You know, like, you can hopefully check in on her in a platonic way.

If there's someone. Have, like, safeguards in place. Because this, like, it doesn't get better continuing. It's not. Right. It doesn't, like, get to a point where it's like, oh, now that everything's great, I can leave. Yeah, your boy staying is not going to make her mental shit get any better. I wouldn't say don't just withdraw now.

Be careful. It's a rough situation. It's a difficult situation because he's a third party to this. You're asking, how do I break up? How do I do this? You've got to express very clearly. It's like a Saving Silverman thing or something. Yeah.

I think you've got to express to your friend very clearly, like, hey, this is all the reasons why this is a horrendous idea. You've got to find your way out of it. And if he doesn't listen, you can't put together an Owen Wilson movie trying to break these people up. You've just got to kind of express yeah and then hope it ends up okay yeah because then you'll end up like you'll end up torching the friendship you know if you if you try to do like they got to figure out themselves i would recommend you talk to your friend about like you know connor said with the family making sure other people in this woman's life know that she's making these kinds of threats yes because they should know because you know and you want you

want to respect someone's privacy but it's also at a certain point it sort of reaches like when you get to suicide i don't give a shit about anybody's privacy yeah i would much rather have my life saved to be mildly intruded on yeah then you know kill myself because no one wanted to fucking step on a toe yeah like you know what i mean and also like if it's not really a life or death situation and she's saying these things to this dude, then she's a legit. Then that's like a bad fucking deal. You know, it's like a bad person. Yeah, you can be you can be in an emotionally dark place and do do things to try to keep a relationship together that are fucking shitty.

And I don't think that, you know, I don't think that is unforgivable. I think it's a bad thing to do, you know, but I think I've done like stuff like that. Not like stuff like to this degree. Yeah. You know, just being so afraid of losing someone. You do something. You say something you shouldn't have. It's not a fucking good place to be in.

But everyone will be all right. Just make sure that everyone knows what's going on. And then just try to rip the Band-Aid off at some point when you feel like it's time. And if not, rip the dick off. Welcome to Lady Town. Yeah, welcome to Population U. Welcome to Transylvania. Population U, Population Me, rip the dick off. Welcome to Lady Town. Yeah, welcome to Population U. Welcome to Transylvania, dude. Population U, Population Me, Population Mean Girls.

All right. And the English voicemail, finally. Hey, Mean Boys. I forgot to turn on the speakers. Hey, Mean Boys. I thought I'd send this in because your last two boy smiles were from fucking weird people uh as someone who has four sisters nah mate don't fucking hit women that's never cool and as a british person we're not all that strange i mean close enough but

maybe this makes up for it um yeah you guys are fucking awesome um whenever your episodes come out we're getting more giddy than a fat kid in an ice cream factory it's really fucking good well like keith and like ice cream factory i guess so yeah fuck everything god is dead well yeah that sounds so funny to hear a brit guy say that. Don't fucking hit women. All right. Being racist. That's right out. You want to talk about transphobia?

Hit the bricks. All right. Off you go then. All right. Off you pop. Don't believe in a living wage for the poor? All right. Slag right off.

You think that you're better than me because you're cis-privileged? Kick rocks? It's a party. Yeah, this was in reference to that guy that loves that shitty voicemail. Who did we have on the show when that happened? Brandy? I think it was Carmen. Carmen, yeah.

Carmen, who I accidentally called Cameron last night because I was really tired. And here's the thing. If that guy listening, you know, if you hit a girl, you're an absolute piece of shit. Yeah, you're a piece of shit. Don't listen to the fucking show. Get psychiatric help. Fucking turn yourself in to the police or whatever. But if you go trans and you become a girl, you're an absolute piece of shit. Yeah, you're a piece of shit. Don't listen to the fucking show. Get psychiatric help. Fucking turn yourself in to the police. But if you go trans and you become a woman, then it's a fair fight. Sorry, I don't know why I'm on this bit.

A little bit of a loophole for you. There you go. Diplomatic immunity. Anyway, thanks for being British, fella. That would work even better if the DJ Diplo had hit somebody. If that could have happened oh man we need to orchestrate that

just so we can steal that joke from ourselves to the to the to the Diplo-mobile we gotta get Diplo a really hot

difficult girlfriend alright we gotta put testosterone in his I don't know energy drinks I'm assuming yeah

and then fucking no he drinks water DJs love water Diplo loves hydration get the fuck out of here yeah uh yeah so fuck that guy thank you for listening smart if you yeah if you live overseas i love getting emails from listeners overseas and by the way i'll be coming to canada i can't announce the details yet but at the very end of december after christmas even i will i'll be up in fucking the old uk so or not the uk i'll be up in the uk the united canada i'll be up in fucking the old UK. I'll be up in the UK.

The United Canada. I'll be up in Canada. So stay tuned for that. I'll try to set up some more shows. But yes, if you're Canadian, just fucking be on the lookout. The UK. Canada. Yeah, so if you live overseas, send us a voice file of your message.

That's fun. I'll definitely play those. And I caught up on emails, I think, so I'm trying to get back to everyone to make sure. So if you guys want to drop us a line, meanboyspockets at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. We got a few left, but I think we'll save those. I think that'll do it for this episode, guys. Yeah, that was a spicy chunk of fun. That was a spicy podcast. Yeah, we got some.

At first we were laughing, like, why are you calling the Mean Boys for advice? And then it's like, you know what, maybe we can give advice. This had classic Mean Boys flow, which is it started out really funny,

then it was pretty not funny in the middle, and then at the end it was sincere, and then it got really funny again. Yeah, yeah. We're like Loveline for the modern generation.

We're like the KFC double down, where the beginning and the end, the buns are the really good part, and the middle part is just kind of, there you go, technically now it's the same. I've the KFC double down. The beginning and the end, the buns are the really good part. The middle part is just kind of the process. Technically, now it's the same. I've never had a double down. Really?

No. Neither have I. You don't need to. It's like not whatever. That's kind of what I figured. What do we got to plug, gentlemen? The 31st of August and the 1st of September will be at Pechanga in Temecula. If you're out in Temecula, come see me.

We'll hang out. We'll hit a diner or something. That'll be fun. 7th and 8th, I'm at Laughs in Tucson. And September 11th, the day of the Steve Rine is Easy Spectacular. We've got to set that up. But, yeah, September 11th, be at La Stats in San Diego. And then on the horizon, headlining the Ontario Improv September 26th.

And I'm headlining the Chatterbox in West Covina, one of the best shows in the motherfucking country, September 30th and I'm handling The Chatterbox in West Covina one of the best shows in the motherfucking country September 30th if you're in the greater LA area and you want to come see me do a show I would come out to that

that's going to be a blast the night before of course I'll be raging with my pops out in Chino Hills for room service and Led Zepp again let's see September

August 23rd the night this comes out if you're in San Francisco I will be at the setup in the Tenderloin September 6th 7th and Francisco, I will be at the Setup in the Tenderloin. September 6th, 7th, and 8th, I will be in San Diego. I'll be posting the venues and times for that very soon with Tom, actually. Hell yeah.

And September 9th, I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store. They're doing a one-off roast battle down there. I'm having a rematch with our old buddy Jay Light. So yeah, come check that out. Then on the horizon, October. Dweeb of note. Wait, what are we doing together? The Comedy Heights run in San Diego.

Yes! There you go, Tom. Sorry, I was... On the horizon October 5th and 6th, Miami, Oklahoma at the Looney Saloon, also with Tom. October 12th and 13th, I will be at Laffs in Tucson, Arizona. October 24th through the 27th, I will be at the Madhouse in San Diego.

And more coming past that, we actually will be at the Madhouse in San Diego. And more coming past that. We actually will be on the road doing some Mean Boys shit, which we should be announcing very soon. Yeah, that will be the first week of November. So if you're in Texas or Florida or anywhere down there, keep your eyes peeled. Hop on that e-mail list if you're not already, and you'll get the word on tickets as soon as they become available. Yeah. As well as the shows I'm doing with Keith, I'm also headlining the Barrel House Brewery in Visalia September 10th. Blah, blah.

I'm featuring at the Stillwater in Dana Point September 18th. I'm featuring at the Madhouse the 26th and the 20th and 29th. I'm doing the weekend there. So those are all going to be fun shows. It's San Diego. Nice. San Diego. San Diego.

And then in October, Oklahoma. Come and see me and Keith. Keith Yeah it's going to be fun We're all over the place guys And yeah we want to come see you Because you keep Come seeing the people That's what makes it all Fucking worth it

So let us know where you are And we'll come see you That was a show Fucking thanks for tuning in We love you We do Love Fuck everything

God is dead.