Mean Boys - EP 149 - Cloud Fleshlight (feat. Isaac Hirsch)

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

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Hey, hey, hey, it's the Mean Boys podcast, Connor and Tom in the intro. The two of us. Yeah. The power couple. No, Keith. Keith is up in Napa Valley, probably going to some kind of Velveeta street fair events and, you know, having people draw Gengar into a latte with his girlfriend while they watch some kind of, you know, short run English sitcom on Netflix and fuck in her parents' house,

if I had to guess what Keith is up to. But we're holding it down. And we brought in one of my very favorite comedians to be a guest this week. Mr. Isaac Hirsch joined us in the studio. He was a lot of fun. Really funny guy, yeah. Yeah, you've got to follow him on Twitter, at IB Hirsch. Links for all that will be in the show notes.

Speaking of show notes, this has nothing to do with shout outs but leaves a review on itunes uh we're only 56 reviews away from interviewing keith's mom striking distance all right this is the first itunes review goal we've done since the soup challenge and i delivered on that albeit very yeah very reluctantly and you can i i will this it's teeth keith's turn to have to go do something traumatic yeah and you can you can watch Connor's fucking eating of the soup on the Mean Boys vlog on our YouTube page. Yeah, you absolutely can. Tom's got the New York vlog up now. Yeah. Where it's mostly turtles and a tour bus, but he added it together like some kind of beautiful Werner Herzog production.

Yeah, our YouTube numbers are doing good so yeah go you can listen to all the shows or uh going out there the same times they go up on iTunes um and uh yeah just go give us a click you know why the fuck not it ain't no big deal but yeah leave us a review on iTunes dragon murder writes mean five stars probably one of the greatest podcasts of all time these dudes are hilarious and relatable uh thanks man oh man I'm sorry we're relatable yeah it was pretty straight down the middle review you didn't you didn't try to you know you don't always have to do a thing where it's like it's actually the plot of digimon but you change it so it's the mean boys universe and yeah and

then devimon adam todd brown uh banished them to the real world where i don't know i actually like it when they create a small canon for an iTunes review. Yeah, yeah. I enjoy when people really get all the money out of those creative writing degrees. Yeah. So, yeah, go pop over to iTunes, drop a few, just three or four clicks, and get us up to 400 reviews to legitimize us. All right?

Look, people don't know that nobody listens to this podcast. We just have a very devoted core group of you, and people think we're doing much better than we are. But not you, the savvy listener who's in on the secret now. Yeah, we're for sure leading in people who have given us iTunes reviews more than once. Yeah, I know a few of you. I mean, back when Soupgate and the tour was happening, there was this dude in Milwaukee who's like, let's just say I did a little black hat computer magic to fucking juice your numbers. Yeah, did you go on the dark web to hear a bonus episode?

Because I sure did. I wanted to see a pretty boy choke down some bisque. You can go check out our subreddit, rmeanboys. All the latest titillating meme boys, meme sharing and discussion. Go hop over there. Get involved in the community. What did you hate, go hop over there. Get, get, get, get involved in the community.

What did you hate? What did you like about the episodes? All that shit. My favorite thing on the Reddit is the person who doesn't listen to the show, but very aggressively wants to fuck Connor. Oh yeah. I forgot about that person. What's up?

Shouts out. Uh, yeah, no, the DMS are open. Everybody, uh, you can, uh,

leave us an email at, uh, me was pockets of gmail.com. If you got us a game or a just a message or something you want to pass along i've been trying to be better about responding to everybody and reading shit on the show and uh leave us a voicemail at 304-805-6226 that's 304-805-MEAN uh and other than that of course we are still on patreon.com slash mean boys patreon we're 121 dollars away from snark Week 2. Fuck. Striking distance.

Oh, fuck. Because I have to clear a whole week of my life. I'm going to be miserable. We have to fucking do all that writing and edit. I'm going to be up until 3 in the morning and up at 10. It's going to suck. Yeah. God damn. Yeah.

God. I'm still just now starting to recover from last Snark Week. We split it three ways, so we won't even be making that much more money once we get to that point. We're talking about another $100 each once we get to that point. But you know what? We do dumb spectacles, and maybe they'll catch on one day. We're still going to do it. We're still going to do it.

We'll do it. It'll happen if it gets there. I'm never going to be more resentful to make more money as Snark. Yeah. Yeah. Whose idea was that anyway? So for five bucks a month. Shut your face.

Five bucks a month. It gives you bonus content every week. Another hour of Mean Boys to keep you company in the factory. You little fucking post-millennial nihilist Bruce Springsteen's out there. You know, you guys are all out of doom metal releases to comb through. Then, hey, you fucking pop. Maybe Ramsey stops by. Tells us about his new Adderall addiction.

You never know what's going to happen. It's like the SiriusXM studios, but instead of celebrities, it's mostly just Opie and Ramsey. Or 10 bucks a month, you get yourself a little treat in the mail, a little piece of physical merchandise that we cook up, manufacture on a mass scale, and ship out to you by hand, like a good old-fashioned little Misfits Fiend Club. This month we're doing the Horny Summer Commemorative Condoms. It's a three-pack of condoms emblazoned with Mean Boys fucking iconography. I've ordered the condoms off Amazon.

They're currently in my room, and I in the process of uh getting the stickers i'm nowhere near as sexually or interested in your sex life as connor and keith are but i i want to know people tweeted us when you use the condom yeah let us drop us a line with you if and when you use it and i don't want to hear about how you fell the water balloon using the condom or something like that. Yeah, like I'm talking about real inside-a-person activities. Inside-a-person or just a hilarious thing you can do with the condom. I'll take either or. Yeah, yeah. So probably get Rob a bank with the condom.

If you could do that, please, yeah. Send me the photos, you know. Sex or just general goofiness, I will appreciate the news. General goofiness? I have bad news. The banana peels aren't working. So, yeah, I think that's just about it. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hop on that tour sheet because we're locking dates for the big Southern excursion in the first week and a half or so of November, and tickets are going to be going on sale for that soon. We'll have pre-sale links out to the email list very shortly. We might even be announcing some dates on the Thursday episode or probably at the latest next Tuesday's show. So get up on that and fill out that spreadsheet.

Let us know the closest major city you're willing to come out to and see a show, how many friends you got, whether or not we can crash on your couch, and we'll start planning a Mean Boys show in your neck of the woods. But yeah, man, other than that, sit back and relax. A long overdue episode this week with my buddy Isaac Hirsch Here for you right now, for you to enjoy

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Just checked, yep, this is still America. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The guy the girls say they want to date but don't actually in reality want to date at all. That'd be nice if they even said they wanted to date me. I just feel like maybe this is sort of a relic from the Tumblr boom, but I just feel like it was like, I just want a skinny guy that wears weird button-ups and has glasses and is nervous.

And then I feel like you meet that guy and you're just like, oh, this man hates himself. Yeah, this is just a character. This isn't a person. Yeah, I've got a thin veneer of the post-modern uh tweenist that's just covering up yeah open sores of misery a lot of girls who watch a lot of bob's burgers are into you oh yeah that's actually that's 100 true yeah you know nailed it that was that time that was some fucking that was a deep analysis that was very astute yeah all my too real too real all my ex-girlfriends just like would constantly post photos of Tina and be like this is

me and that's like oh yeah yeah that's my type mine I gotta I gotta give shouts out to to the god Michael Cera for my first wave and then for Dr. Who for keeping it going oh my first my first girlfriend ever was like very into the David Tennant Dr. Who and she at one point she's like I'm only dating you because you kind of remind me of David Tennant and Doctor Who. And then like, that's not how you build a relationship. So it didn't last that long. It didn't last very long. I didn't even like Doctor Who.

Yeah, for me it's like, well, you kind of remind me of Donna from That 70s Show. So this is worth investing nine months of my life. I'll give my show to bipolar disorder and substance abuse issues. Yeah, yeah. That's not a fictional character, Tom. All the girls that are really into Hunter S. Thompson's Rolling Stone years just can't get enough of the Gossmeister. Isaac Hurst, at long last, joins us in the Mean Boys studio.

I'm so excited. Isaac's one of my very favorite comedians. I think he's so funny. He's actioned up a bunch. Ah, man. I do, weirdly. Yeah, I don't know why. Connor think he's so funny. He talks up a bunch. Ah, man. I do, weirdly. Yeah, I don't know why. Connor X. Madden is my one fan in Los Angeles.

You could have a worse one fan, I gotta say. It'd be tough. Yeah, man, you're fucking hilarious. So, yeah, if you're listening, I believe Isaac is currently unemployed as shit. So, if you have a job for him, hit him up. Or better yet, if you've got some paid comedy gigs. Isaac fits right in. Perfect feature act anywhere.

He's fantastic. Yeah, it's true. I mean, honestly, it was very nice of the Mean Boys to bring in the one broker comedian in Los Angeles than them. Oh, yeah. I mean, Tom lives in a kitchen, and Isaac was like, so it's $100 a month? Is that what you do?

Tell us. I want to know a little bit, because I feel like you just always have some kind of vague scheme going. Yeah, I'm always on the hustle, man. I mean, I like... Yeah, yeah. I've always... Much like the possum that lives here, our mascot, Pacquiao.

I mean, you're rolling avocados around. I thought you were talking about me at first. Oh, no, no. Although you do, you seem like the guy that would be inside every mascot costume. I, yeah. Just like unsettlingly, like energetic eyes yeah they can't see my face if i dance as a fucking wildebeest or whatever the dude our mascot was okay colony high school tommy the titan where the colony titans and it was like a greek god like muscle suit like made out of felt

and it just looked like a deformed homunculus it looked like a dude from 300 please like me and it was just he would come out and be like, yeah. Everyone would be like, oh, God. And they always have a cheerleader inside of it because it was like a little costume. So they just see painted nails and just like, I was not meant to be. The first clone unsuccessfully escaped from Romania. And now he's telling you to get pumped about staying away from drugs. He was a titan, so a bird was eating his liver during every game.

That sounds like a smart-ass reference I don't get. Syphilis is rock. You're telling me that you're unemployed and single with that extensive knowledge of Greek mythology? Oh, man, I know everything, and it does not matter. Man, it's like you're trapped in a river close to an apple or something. Tantalus, yes. Yeah, Tantalus, you know his name's Tantalus, you son of a bitch. Oh, yeah, so give us a rundown on just your various money-making schemes.

So I'm always... Because I was thinking about this. I've been thinking about you a lot because I remembered your pant size. I'm digressing a lot. He's been talking a lot about your pant size. Okay, just tell the listeners what size pants you wear every day. Well, technically I wear 28 by 34 pants, and I have to special order them off Amazon,

but really I should be wearing like 27 by 34 or 26 by 34, but they don't make those. Okay, so they're a little baggy on you. They're a little baggy. These are pretty loose on me, yeah. Yeah, you're sort of drawn like a background character from recess if i had to describe your look you got like centaur torso or something right centaur what does that mean uh that would mean that his bottom half is a that would mean he has large powerful legs tom's trying to make some more links you're really

first of all only two you legs. You guys are laughing. Syphilis is rock, okay? I'm kind of annoyed at that. Syphilis is rock? Yeah. That's the worst educational cartoon ever. I'm just a bump. Yes, I'm only a bump.

And you got me after you humped. Yeah, so 2734. And just I was thinking about how every time I talk to you, you're always just like, yeah, I'm trying to sell my plasma. But they said I don't have enough blood because I'm anemic from only eating a top ramen I've paid for via Uber Eats transaction. So, yeah, I'm currently going into webcam modeling for people with a magic to gathering fat. I'm always just like this really embodies the the millennial,ial independent contractor hellscape. Yeah, I mean, technically, my profession in L.A. has always been that I'm an extra. I work around in the background of TV and movies. He sells newspapers.

Extra, extra. But that's not a consistent thing. So, you know, to make money, I delivery drove for an app called Schleppenfetch. Oh, I was a Schleppenfetch lover, too. It's the worst delivery fucking service. I love Schleppenfetch so much because here's their business model. All right, all the people too sketchy to get approved on Postmates, welcome aboard. And you go to your onboarding meeting, and it would just be dudes who are just like,

yeah, so I have eight felonies. I have a lot of stuff going on in my face, both drawn and attached via metal. And I just want to give people some ramen so I can get my kids back. You know? It was the fucking best. Conor McNutt got me in. I got a lot of people. I got Evan Cassidy in for a while.

Cassidy was talking with me about it. It's crazy because, like, I joined near the end. Oh, dude, Schlepp & Fetch, believe it or not, the business model was flawed. Oh, it went out of business last year. Yeah, no, but I joined. My onboarding meeting was just me, and the guy who was, like, directing me did not care. He was just like, yeah, I just don't like, I mean, I'm not legally allowed to tell you to do this, but you can, like, park in front of people's driveways and shit.

Oh, yeah. I mean, when you deliver food in Los Angeles, you learn to have a loose interpretation of parking statutes. Yeah, definitely. I've gotten pretty good at parking illegally. Yeah, no, I've gotten better. I mean, I do Postmates, too. I played poker for a living last year for, like, four months. I just do whatever I can to stay afloat.

And you stayed up on poker? I did stay up up but it was so stressful i had to stop like are we talking about sex or poker because i feel like i can't stay up during sex but poker i stayed up yeah yeah uh it's just like i would like you even as like a professional poker player you lose like oh my god you just describe yourself as a professional i mean if you could last for four months playing poker. I was speaking as a BMX biker. I'm not saying I was a professional. I'm saying even the professional poker players, if you're like a live cash game player, you lose 35% of the time. So I'd lose, and I'd lose like $500, and I'd just sit in my car and be like, ah, fuck, what have I done?

I'd just sit there depressed as hell for for two hours before driving home from the casino. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're going to the fucking Hawaiian Gardens or something, right? Hawaiian Gardens I would go to a lot, yeah. There's an area of Los Angeles, like south of L.A. and in between kind of Orange County and Long Beach, just this sort of no-man's land area that's just full of cholo bars and the casinos that Smash Mouth plays at.

Yeah. And my dad is does the santa fray spring swap meet down there uh with his uh kashubi van room service and uh yeah that's like we're like that's like we're like real game that's like commerce casino commerce i played it the most yeah ramsey has a commerce casino hat he does and i try to talk with him about it and he did not he was like i actually don't know anything about casinos or whatever. And I was like, that's a bummer, Ramsey. I mean, it is perfect, ironic Ramsey chic.

Every time I go to a casino, I'm like, I'm going to play poker because I love poker. And every time everyone I go with doesn't want to play, I'm like, I should be social and scream at strip club barkers instead. It always ends poorly i just play poker amit singh one time i was i was doing some shows in vegas like when i was first starting doing comedy and he was at brad garrett's and i was doing like the sapphire for 50 bucks and like another show for like 100 bucks and sleeping in like a hojo by the airport way north of vegas and like i saw he was at brad garrett's i was like oh let's go hang out and he went and he bought me

lunch and then he bought me into a poker tournament, you know, because he's a very generous guy. And I became a parent. I did not know how to play poker in a casino at all. And I was like holding my cards wrong so that everyone could like see him. And I just immediately like panicked and just like went all in on a stupid hand. It was just like I'm in over my head, man. I'm fucking up the game. It was very stressful. We played poker in Salt Lake City. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, I do.

Yeah. I got cleaned out. Yeah, I cleaned everybody out. It was great. I think you and Dan Nolan took us off for like 40 bucks. Yeah, it was wonderful. We should do that more often. Well, yeah.

You guys would keep inviting me to poker games, and I'm like, you guys are really good. And I'm not your fucking marks, okay? You go hit up your Bruce Grays for something like that. Bruce Gray won't play with us. He won't? No. He's a bitch. That's why. Yeah. He doesn't play play with us. He won't? No. He's a bitch. That's why.

He doesn't play with you because he's a bitch. Me, I'm a savvy. You're smart. Tom, you should come play sometime, man. Yeah, I'd be down to play with you. It would be fun. Yeah. I don't know.

So, yeah, you've done that. Is there anything else? Any other weird thing? I mean, I've done just weird. I don't know, man. Like, just one-off weird things for cash. I mean, like, appearing. Oh, yeah, I'm going to go drive a bunch of bath bombs to Corona.

I've done that one. I'm going to appear in a fucking watch Kickstarter video for $50. Just random fucking gigs. Hell, yeah. It's just, I mean... I'll do anything that isn't actual work for money. Yeah. I was in a web commercial for a photo booth company

where i had to pretend to be like a mingling party guest and it was just me wearing a really old suit pretending to be social and it's the most i i gotta find the video because it's just me like whoa yeah what a picture you know yeah anytime i'm at an extra and they're like they need me to be in a suit i only have one suit it's like my dad's suit from the 80s oh yeah they're just like this is looking like a big fucking al gore lego man and they're just like what the fuck is this suit i'm like it's it's a suit they're like i mean technically yes have you seen my youtube channel the report of the week where i describe chicken tender gruesome detail yeah i look exactly like that guy in that suit a little bit yeah that's a good that's a good i don't know this

you know oh he's uh he's just like autistic i guess i don't know if he's autistic or not but he's just like he's autistic he's like shrimpy little guy who wears gigantic suits and reviews fast food very thoroughly on youtube okay it's a great watch i've been watching a lot of penn and tellers fool us to go to bed i watch a ton of that on youtube too that's great it's good fucking quality it's fuck it's good stuff it's's very fun. I watch that and I watch videos of chiropractors right now. What? I can't get enough. I don't know why.

That's the most Caucasian thing I've ever heard in my life. It helps me fall asleep. You were watching the fucking documentaries on bionicle gentrification last week. I was watching. I was watching a pretty good bionicles. You remember, of course. I remember bionicles. You owned bionicles.

I did not own bionicles. What? I was a regular Lego kid. I didn't like bionicles. You remember, of course, you owned Bionicles. I did not own Bionicles. What? I was a regular Lego kid. I didn't like Bionicles. Really? Okay. They were too edgy for me. Another turf.

I'm a perf of Bionicle exclusionary, radical, and then the word that starts with F. I can't say it. Keith's not here. You know what I just realized? I think this is the first Mean Boys episode where we haven't had an LGBT person on. I'm like kind of asexual. Does that count? Yeah, sure.

That's enough. All right, we'll go with that. Yeah, we'll do asexual. Yeah, that's... I believe they call that lazy sell. Yeah, yeah. I'm basically vol sell just because I don't want to talk to women. Yeah, yeah.

What is vol sell? Voluntarily sell a bit. Oh, want to talk to women. Yeah, yeah. What is Vol-Cell? Voluntarily celibate. Tom's learning so much. Yeah. Wait, does in-cell mean in-cell? Also, it's what Voltorb evolves into. A lot of people don't know. If you use a Thunderstone, there's two evolutionary paths.

If you trade him wearing the metal coat, he goes Vol-Cell. And then he just starts sharing a lot of dashboard confessional songs while he has an anime picture on Twitter. Voltour evolves into Electrode. He does, yeah. I was doing a bit is what I was doing. Well, check your facts. Thank you, Tom. Check your facts on your joke, Connor.

Go to PodFact, and that remark just got a Pants on Fire rating from the number one authenticity bureau in podcasting. That would be fun to start doing that. It's just be like the guy who's just like, well, yeah, I was listening the other day. Joe Rogan said that, quote, everyone used to be a baby. Not true. Nick Mullen was wrong about Chinese people, as it turns out. Yeah, some of them are Jewish. That'd be a good bit.

What the fuck were we just talking about? Voltorb. No, Volsel. Volsel. Asexuals, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not actually like, I like having sex. I'm not against it.

It's just, it's a lot of work to have sex, and I'm not willing to put in the work. That's where I'm at, and I just don't want to, I'm like, I don't want to do a bad job, you know? Well, I mean, it's probably less work for you than it is for me. How do you figure? You're handsome. I feel like we're pretty equally good looking. Tom, come on. Set him straight.

I also feel like pretty baseline. I can go. I can. Right now, I'm like not groomed or anything, and I look pretty bad. You know, like I got to clean up. I feel like you are a bit resting. I think you got a good complexion, you know? This is. I heartily disagree.

But anyway, the point is, I'm Paul Sell. I tried for like a week. I wrote a bunch of bits about being asexual. I tried to rebrand myself as the asexual comedian. You're trying to get... Trying to get those sweet diversity bookings. Yeah, you're trying to be represented by Flapper's college agency. Hey, don't talk bad about my agent.

Oh, are you with H2 oh no yeah no but it's because i'm that's a joke today with my i'm friends with barbara i know or whatever i said no disrespect to all the fine comedians working for them no my my thing is that i'm very thin that's my uh disability i guess yeah yeah you are you are like medically thin is there like uh is there any sort of uh is there any sort of diagnosis is there any sort of no I fucking go to the doctor all the time and I'm like listen is I don't I don't want to eat like I don't have an appetite I forget to eat a lot of the time I'm not hungry and my doctor's like maybe that's why you're vol cell all right we'll be right back

talking about pussy guys ah damn you got me I me. I don't. My doctor's just like, yeah, it's fine. I'm like, it's not fine. It's definitely not fine that I don't want to eat. And he's like, no, it's cool. Have you showed him your pant size? They all know. They're like, wow, you're really thin, but you know, it's probably fine. That's the best part about when I realized doctors, and Tom,

you learned this way before anybody did, is that doctors can just be as bad at their jobs as like dudes that work at like right a absolutely you know like i was like i like i was uh there's a girl i knew who had a uh staff infection and it was like on her vagina and the doctor was just like ah this is probably just you probably had like dirty fingers and you started scratching your pussy and it got all infected and like basically just like kept her like living in misery when he could have very easily given her a cycle of antibiotics that wasn't like it wasn't like he was prescribing her fucking like hydrocodones or something it was like a very simple like thing to do he's just like

i'm just gonna poke it with a needle squirt all the juice out and then you can just you know stop rubbing your pussy with your dirty hand and it was just like this man sucks as much as every 2 a.m gas station cashier i've ever interacted with yeah i mean i i don't think it should be because i was like what do you think is causing this lack of appetite they're like i don't know and i was like that shouldn't be allowed a doctor should have to guess what if it's just like you ever had pizza that's pretty maybe you could get into that like at the end of the fucking session the doctor was just like uh hey you know what i prescribe a cheeseburger and i had to be like fuck you let me get that in writing asshole prescribe me a cheeseburger

medically i want a prescription that says rx1 cheeseburger i'm gonna copay i'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a cheeseburger for thursday or you get it uh it's like wimpy you know yeah yeah no i got it all All right, guys. We're all fired up after the Mean Boys hard-hitting interview portion. I think, what do you say we get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. Oh, yeah. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

Ay, so topical. Okay. These suck so bad, everybody. It's not going to be a good week for anybody. A Tennessee man was arrested for throwing biscuits at his ex-girlfriend's head. I've heard of a butter face, but this is ridiculous. I have a showdown. Oh, really?

A man was arrested for throwing a biscuit really, really hard at his wife's face. Defense attorney Dice Clay said if Dice... God damn it. Defense attorney Dice Clay stated if she hadn't overcooked it, it wouldn't have hurt. Oh, fuck. Why would Dice Clay say that? Well, yeah, she burnt the biscuit and that's why they hurt her head. Yeah, it's not like a Dice Clay thing, though.

Any defense attorney could say that. That's fair. Here's my defense of Tom. Burning the food and being upset about it is a dice-clay-ass grievance to have with the female community. And using it as a justification for domestic violence is the epitome of his work in the late 80s and early 90s. Thank you for supporting your friends. No problem. That was a good defense. Can you do Bane, Isaac?

I can't do Bane. No. We've got to kick this podcast into overdrive. I can do Ramsey. That's about it. What's the deal with fucking Brodge? You were born in Jersey. I adopted it.

Can you do Ramsey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's up, guys? It's just a little. Yeah, no, I'm getting a massage therapy license is a bit. I'm almost done with my class. I'm learning a lot.

There's a lot of tendons, all right? I mean, yeah. Literally, the Ramsey impression is just, yeah, yeah, and that's it. That's all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, yeah, for sure. So for my next joke, is the PowerPoint not working? Okay, well, then, yeah, I'm not doing it.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. All right. Here's my first joke. Boxer F.A. Ajagba won his heavyweight bout in one second after his opponent immediately left the ring and arena after the opening bell. Maybe not surprising since he was fighting Curtis the Irish Goodbye Harper.

Ooh. Wow. That was a real... That was really long. That was just cut from Weekend Update. These are all Dennis Miller jokes. It's not getting any better. Dude, I was watching a Dennis Miller special like a couple months ago.

For some reason, when I was riding on the roast, I went on and I was watching a Dennis Miller special. I was like, this is pretty funny, actually. This is not bad. Really? I feel like it used to be kind of good. I watched one from the 90s and I was just like, man, this has aged so badly. Maybe we watched different specials. Maybe.

I don't know. Never watched anything by him. Barely know who he is. Sorry. Here's a Mean Boys listener challenge. Dennis Miller sounds exactly like Scaramouche from the last season of Samurai Jack. Doesn't mean a lot to most people, but if you can give me a good side-by-side clip, I would appreciate that.

All right, guys. A white security guard has been suspended for ordering a Trayvon Martini from a black bartender. The situation almost became violent when he forgot his Eric Garnish. That's like the other guy. Yeah. Who's the other guy? Eric Garner. What did he do?

He got strangled and died. And it was very, very bad. How was that? This was like two years ago. This was like the number one story of the last century. George Zimmerman do that too? No. That would be very funny if George Zimmerman was the one who killed every single black

person. And we're just like, ah, George, not again. Can we just get this one guy? It's just one guy. Man, remember when the DMX Zimmerman boxing match was going to happen? Ah, fuck. That would have been so good. I mean, because DMX has his flaws. But I but i mean god damn if you don't want him to just

fucking beat the shit out of him he he would he would have murdered george zimmerman oh for sure we still gotta do which of the following it's not something dmx did because i was looking into that i'm x gonna give it to you is like better than a cup of coffee until i get up in the morning it really puts a spring in my step i should make that that my alarm tone. Yeah, you just wake up and say, what? Oh, God, I need a bench press something. Alright, I think it's Tom's turn.

Oh, yeah, okay. Mario Batali. You guys know Mario? Yeah, I don't. He's a cook. He's a chef. Oh, okay. Mario Batali was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a restaurant, leaving the rest of us wondering what other chefs will get meat-tued. Hey.

Meat-tued. Because he's a chef. I got to pee, so I need you guys to vamp until I get back. Okay. Should I do a joke or no? Sure, yeah. He should wait for you. I'll let his way out.

So, Tom, what's new with you i mean i've just been doing this podcast uh a lot of sitting it's good man i gotta be honest one of the main reasons i was excited to do this podcast is i wanted to see tom's mind at work you know oh yeah how's that going so far it's uh you know everything i dreamed it would be okay so nonsense yeah i mean a little bit. I mean, you made a good fucking Sisyphus reference earlier, and I was like, there we go. That's like the fucking yin and yang of Tom is that you got the reference wrong,

but you still made the reference. Yeah, I was legit pissed that didn't get a laugh. I was so excited for Syphilis' Rock. It's not even that good of a joke. No, but, you know, I liked it. I appreciate that. I'm just not even that good of a joke. No, but I liked it. I appreciate that. I'm just not a loud laugher, you know? Well, what a great quality to have in a three-man podcast.

Ping? What? What? Okay. All right. Here's my joke. YouTube star McSkillet died after driving 100 miles per hour on the freeway in the wrong direction before hitting a

minivan head on police are urging the public to like and subscribe McSkillet yeah his name was McSkillet he was like a counter strike YouTuber he was driving like a fucking souped up McLaren and he was going the wrong way on the 805 and killed like a family oh my god yeah what a true waste

that's what fucking I was in San Diego when this happened. Yeah, yeah. I was, yeah. And that was a bunch of, no one was at the show. And fucking a bunch of comics had to cancel because they couldn't get down there because of the big traffic on the 805. And that was Mick Skillet. Mick Skillet did that, dude.

Fuck you, Mick Skillet. You're the reason I had a bad gig at Valentine's Bar and Grill in Chula Vista or wherever the fuck. How dare you? What a fucking dickhead. That's like some shit I would have called myself on my soccer team in middle school. To be fair, this guy was 18, so I guess that's like the last age it's acceptable to call yourself McSkillet. I don't know about that.

Isaac, do you know his producer name? No. Oh, Thug Funny. Thug Funny. When I wanted to be a rap producer. MS painted Doug Funny, so he had a wave cap and an NWA shirt. Okay. And yeah, I mostly just made beats for...

I made like a SoundClick account or something. I think it's called where you can lease beats to people trying to make mixtapes. It didn't really go anywhere, and I deleted it. And yeah, I produced some songs for Cali Stacks that never got released on an official mixtape. But I have them in my email. And it is fun to hear someone rapping on your beats and then say thug funny on the keys or something. Maybe we should play that.

That would be kind of a funny thing. Because my buddy Langston from high school also used to rap with him. And he said, I got my N-word Connor on the beat. Fuck around and put your mama on the meat. I was just like, that's just fun to hear for me as a nerdy guy. That's also the only time my N-word Connor has ever been said. Yeah, really. Truly.

Well, I don't know. Jamal will say it to me. He'll call me drunk and ask me to tell him a joke. And I'm like, I don't know, man. I don't know. No knock-knock jokes. Jamal also was watching Frasier for a while. I remember this. Yeah, because we were out in indiana and i he called me he's like i'm just

watching frazier and i was like no you're not this is bullshit whatever he hangs up and he sends me a picture of netflix like frazier season nine episode two i was like all right well i'm gonna go watch martin and then martin came onto the hotel room and i had to take a video for jamal frazier's the one about the bones right exactly uh Exactly. What? Newsweek reports that a couple was unable to conceive after four years because they weren't having sex the right way. After learning the mistake, the happy pair is excited to bring new life into the world once they get all the remaining pee out of the lady's

butt. Is peeing in the bus how I thought it worked? Did you? I did think that was it for a while. I didn't think I thought I had a vague hypothesis that there might be a second hole on the front that was not cooperated i kid you not until my sixth grade sex ed class but until that i thought you just i thought you just put it in the butt i thought i thought women peed out of their butts until i was in college in college yeah no way that's when i had a girlfriend

who was just no way i forget college isaac yeah. You weren't looking at porn? No, I didn't watch porn until like last year. What? I just never got around to it. What were you doing? Were you busy shipping candles in Syria? You're busy looking at poker YouTube videos? I was jacking off to like ideas instead of videos. All right.

Freedom. You're jacking off to ideas? 401k. I like the idea of being desired, you know, just a woman being like, Isaac, I want you. And I'd be like, oh, yeah. No, in your fantasy, she says, Isaac, I choose you. And then you come out of a Pokeball. That's exactly right.

And you lick her titties while you jack off. That's Isaac's fantasy. In middle school, I legit thought the way the birthing happened. Oh, this is going to be great. I thought you put the penis in the vagina. I knew about vaginas. You put the penis in the vagina. I knew about vaginas. You put the penis in the vagina. Bragging.

And then you just sit there until cum comes out. And then the baby is born out of the butt. So I still. There's a little trap door in there somewhere where it just switches sides. Yeah. And I remember I was in a science class and a kangaroo birthed out the front. And I lost my shit and kept saying, like, why is it coming out? And everyone thought I was a fucking moron.

Because I doubled down on that. And you're like, wait, wait, wait. You're teaching us lies. Pull out Snopes butt babies. Why does the kangaroo have a butt? i thought maybe the kangaroo had a butt on the front or something yeah i remember in sex ed the day we saw the like childbirth video like the very end of class and you're going into the people are leaving from the last period just like white as sheets that was awesome they're just i think i i think i saw a bit and i closed my eyes i was

like yeah this ain't no miracle yeah gross i i'd uh i never never took sex head i was i was with you until the butt part like i thought that having sex was just you put the penis in the vagina and that was it that's how i had sex for two years well if turns out some guys are still thinking that fellas all right because i don't know about you but i've been on bumble and you guys need to learn what you're doing with your dicks. I just didn't go in and out. Welcome back to Girl Talk, the podcast. We make $10 million a day, and we're performing

at the theaters. They're all sold out, but we're going to plug the dates. Alright, whose turn is it? Tom's. Is it my turn? I think so. An Arizona KFC was discovered to have a Mexican drug smuggling tunnel in it, meaning the next colonel will be played by Bryan Cranston.

Hey. Wow. Tom Goss. I feel like I'm funnier when my jokes don't make sense. Yeah, when they do make sense, we're all just like, hey, wow. That's like a Stephen Colbert tweet or something. It's just like a classy, ooh, hey, looks like the next colonel. He doesn't have hair.

Yeah. I got a showdown for that, but I'll let Isaac go. Duncan Hunter, a congressman most famous for vaping on the floor of the House, has been indicted for misuse of campaign funds. We're going to fight this all the way, said his lawyer, Ramsey Bedawi. Oh, shouts out, biggest bar dog, who I think is... I don't even know if he's still doing that. I think he's doing that podcast, so

go listen to it. He said he's recording one tonight, I believe. You never know with Framsey. It's really... It could be shelved. He's like, I couldn't get the fog machine to work, so I gotta delay it till next month. I'm gonna do it every day. And then it's like, I'm doing it once a year.

Yeah, no, it's actually, it's a video podcast. But now it turns out it holograms. All right. So, yeah, fucking police discovered a drug running tunnel that connected an Arizona KFC to Mexican cartels. Big whoop. You discovered Keith Carey's mom's birth canal. Her pussy is a drug tunnel. Of course, it starts at KFC, her womb, and ends at the cartels, the tattoos on her inner thighs.

I wish there was more just, you know, Bryan Cranston in that joke. I think that would have tied it all. I know, yeah. What it really needed was... Bryan Cranston. Yeah, man. Dude, fucking... Sometimes I go down the, did Dewe from malcolm in the middle get molested

conspiracy rabbit hole and there's a lot more conflicting evidence than you might think i love malcolm in the middle and i have not been down that rabbit hole i don't want it i don't want to ruin malcolm in the middle for me well that's part of the problem because until we realize what's happening to children in hollywood you know like dewey probably oh you mean molested in real life yes so you thought a fan theory that dewey is secretly being molested why do you think he was such good friends with that hamster it was the closest thing he had to someone he could trust no i've gone down that rabbit hole of like the rug rats are actually about angelica's schizophrenia the twins are dead babies you've gotten stuck in a lot of regular three-dimensional rabbit holes. I'm not skinny enough for that.

Yeah, I tripped. I was running from a thing. It's not important. All right. People in France are becoming upset at outdoor urinals that are pretty much just trash cans you're allowed to piss in. This goes against American belief that the French just piss on each other. They smell bad. They're smell...

According to America. Mm-hmm. Yeah. My country, tears of thee. That's why I call them freedom urinals. The French Open. Are you talking... What's that about?

You play tennis in your boyfriend's ass? Yeah, the French Open. That's their urethra. Yeah. Shoot and come into the boyfriend's ass, probably. Sounds like something they'd do. Ah, fucking... I went to France. It was nice.

Oh, yeah? What'd you do? I was with my parents the entire... No, I didn't see anyone pee on each other. Do your glasses say Armenian Exchange? No. They say Armani Exchange, which is deceptively fancy, but I bought them for like $50 in 2010, and I've had them ever since.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I didn't notice that you were like flexing on us. I was not. Tom fucking awkwardly pointed it out. I didn't want people to notice. Well, those glasses have gotten you the role of the unlikely hookah bar patron number six. These glasses are my

my calling card in hollywood so i can't get rid of them now oh yeah it's part of your brain i should start wearing glasses why should you why i think it'll it'll get me make me more bookable can you can can tom wear your glasses really quick isaac just as a little experiment yeah sure tom try them on now they break yeah yeah after eight years if your head was so fat you broke the glasses? Tom, you look hilarious. Yes? Tom, you look like the dumbest guy in Silicon Valley right now. Just by putting on those glasses, you have a podcast on the Barstool Sports Network now. I don't know who that is.

Neither do I, really. Can I get a photo of this? Sure. I'll take a picture of you. It makes I, really. Can I get a photo of this? Sure. I'll take a picture of you. It makes me want to look around more, having glasses. Interesting. Does that mean you have vision problems? No.

It's just you weren't aware of your eyes, and now you're remembering how important they are? All right, it's my camera's loading. There you go, guys. Oh, yeah. This is great podcasting. This is thrilling podcast audio. Electricity. Right in front of the naked roast battle robe that I stole,

which I'm saving until the Smithsonian wants it for great achievements. Oh, I didn't even notice that. Wow, look at that. New media, yeah. I was there for that. All right, let's do this last joke. It's dark and not very good. Okay.

A mass shooting happened at a Madden tournament in Jacksonville. Casualties were worsened when a tiny ambulance drove into the arena and began running over the players i don't get it if you've ever played an old madden game that's what they used to do whenever someone got injured a tiny ambulance would come onto the yeah run over all the oh okay i think like three listeners got that hopefully probably yeah that seems like some shit they get yeah uh this is our last one i think have one more. I thought we already did four. No, we do five. We do five?

Oh, fuck. Do you not have a fifth? Yeah, I might have a fifth. You can read one of mine. I got some bad ones. That'll be fun. General Mills has dropped the 100% natural branding

on its Nature Valley bars after a lawsuit. You know what that means, fellas? Granola bars with big fake tits. What's up? Yeah. Titty fucking. They're not natural, you know.

Trump is irritated. Trump is irritated. Ouch. Trump is irritated over pushback on his military parade. There hasn't been this much pushback over a game of dress-up since Conor McSpadden got pegged. What? Oh, yeah. I know you got pegged.

I've heard the bit, but... Yeah, yeah. You've seen my signature piece. I've seen the... It's a great bit. It's your closer, right? Yeah, I've got to stop doing it. I can't...

It's a phenomenal joke. I can't even get pretend disgusted anymore. I was driving to a show recently, and I was thinking about that joke, and I was just like, the number of times I've told it, I'm so far removed from the event. I was thinking about, like, actually the logistics of getting pegged, and I was like, oh, this is disgusting. Like, that really hurt. I was really upset, but I'm like, I just so depersonalized it through comedy that it just is not, it's like it's not

even a part of my life anymore. It's not even something that happened. No, not really. It's just a fake story. I'm going to highlight one of my jokes for you to read. I got one. I thought of one I wrote, but I'm going to be sort of free-balling it here. Here we go. Hospital security guard in Florida was fired after recording videos of every

time he farted over the past six months. Hospital officials said this is just far too dignified behavior for a hospital security guard in Florida. All right. You did that shit acapella, fans. I did that off the dome, folks. Acapella. That's why it was so poorly worded. And it was still in AP format, you know?

There were still far too many, like, long words. Yeah, yeah. I'm amazed you can remember that. I can't remember most of my jokes while I'm reading them. Yeah, yeah. You can't even remember what you're trying to write. Yeah, yeah. Someone told me I had nice handwriting the other day, and my handwriting stinks.

Oh, mine's awful. It's literally like third grade big block letters. Oh, really? Yeah, I can't write. Even my Down syndrome high school friends told me I had shit handwriting. Well, that was a rollicking Mexican joke off, guys. We'll be right back right after something that goes right here. The Mean Boys Podcast presents New Yorkers Who Don't Understand Depression.

So I'm walking down the street with my bag of groceries and this guy goes, Hey, where'd you get that watermelon? I was like, hey, mind your own fucking business. That's right, mind your own fucking business. You ask me about watermelon, I'll pop you upside the head. Upside his fucking head. Because I'm from Brooklyn. Fucking Brooklyn.

Hey, Greg, it's Lil' Pete. How's it going, Lil' Pete? You commit a hate crime today yet? Oh, no, I've just been kind of minding my own business lately. What's the matter? You think you're better than us, minding your own business? Yeah, beating your own head and shit like the Dolly frickin' Llama over there? Yeah, where you think you is a petting zoo or something uh no no i just um i i had to drop out of college a couple weeks ago oh pete stop bragging about your reading yeah books aren't ladies why are you opening them to pay attention

and shit uh no i I just got too depressed and I couldn't focus on my studies. You hear this guy having the confidence to just walk away from his future? He said studies. What are you, from fucking China or something? Stop speaking in words Japanese

people use. Japanese people use those words. You think Japanese people are better than me? I don't, I'm not even, it's nothing like that. It's just, it's been so, it's been too much to handle since Tina and I. Oh, look who's bragging about his love life. We get it. You got a lady who makes you feel like a man.

My head keeps spiraling and I don't know what to do. Now he's talking about his knowledge of geographical shapes. There's just like a ringing in my head and in my heart and it just won't fucking stop no matter what I do.

What are you, gonna be a doctor now? You think you're too good to just be in the septic business, you mook? I just wanted to stop. I just needed to fucking stop already. Look at this guy saying stop like he's a fucking construction worker putting up traffic signs. Because he thinks he's better than us. He thinks he's better than us.

Goodbye, cruel world. Greg, you hear that? Yeah, he said goodbye, all hoity-toity and rich. He thinks he's upper class. You ain't upper class, Lil' Pete. You're nothing from nowhere, you hear?

Holy shit, on my mother's fresh-baked calzone. You see that? Yeah, Lil' Pete is bragging about how good his medical insurance is so he shot himself in the fucking bean shot himself in the fucking bean little cock sucker cock sucker cock smoker smoking a cock the cock. Go! Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back. Yeah! After Opie explained to Tom what a five-panel hat was

in the kitchen. And me. I didn't know either. Yeah, yeah. And if you know, I should have taken a picture of Isaac in the Supreme hat. Oh, we really should have. It was pretty good. A five-panel hat is just, it's a hat. Yeah, Tom. That's pretty much it. It looks like sort of like a short trucker hat

it looks like a trucker hat that's like uh short it's a hat it's got five pieces of material sewn together to form a hat you know it's pretty much what it is and uh yeah there's like snapback hats there's the flex fit hat the dad hat there's about all i know about hats but yeah i don't know anything about hats well you know a little bit more now. Yeah, I do. I actually know a lot about the history of the hat. I read a... Boy. I read a book. Boy.

I don't know why I'm not surprised. Oh, good. I read a book about the history of the hat. I actually... You read a whole book about hats. Yeah. Weren't hats like pants back in the day? Yes, they were, Tom.

That's actually correct. You fucking nudist freak. Okay, go on. Go on. See, if he wasn't here, you guys all would have called me retarded for that. I still might. Let's not rule it out. You never know what I'm going to do.

Until about the 1960s, if you were an American man, it was required that you would wear a hat. You had to wear a hat. If you didn't, you'd be considered basically like a homeless guy. Yeah. You had to wear a hat.

It was part of being American life. And there are a lot of reasons why hats fell out of favor. One of the big ones is that... This podcast. My pussy's dry, but continue. One of the big ones is that uh this podcast my pussy's dry but continue one of the big ones is that jfk american style icon hated hats he didn't wear hats uh-huh and so american men were like well if jfk is not gonna wear a hat i'm not gonna wear a hat yeah he'll just fuck it right off and the hat industry there's so many great letters that they

sent to jfk being like please wear hats please Please, you're killing us. Really? Yeah, it's so funny. Oh, yeah. I don't want to brag. You should have worn a helmet, huh? Yeah, that's like if they just showed it to Obama's White House with a dump truck full of Yeezys. Like, dude, come on. You're killing us.

Please wear these Yeezys. Yeah, I don't want to brag, but I did write the Wikipedia article on the straw hat riot of 1922. Oh, did you really? I am the sole author of that no fucking way what the fuck is that okay go on explain this to me right now straw hat right okay so this is the least interesting thing i've ever been fascinated i'm i'm fascinated as to why it's got to why you're actually very interesting no it's not's not. No, it isn't.

Okay, so remember, everyone had to wear hats back in the day, but there's also rules within that. Sure. Straw hats, you couldn't wear them

past, I believe, September. Straw hats are like a summer item. It was like a white after Labor Day. Exactly. That's exactly the comparison. You couldn't wear straw hats

after September. It would be like a boorish move. It's disrespectful to 9-11. Yeah, it was like Steve Rannazzisi was wearing a straw hat. Exactly.

When he fought the other One Piece characters with his stretchy arms. So, anyway... What? It's an anime. It was like an American tradition that if you saw someone wearing a straw hat after September, you could playfully knock it off their head. Right? Okay, yeah.

And so, there was this gang of youths in New York City who started doing that before the day. Like, they started doing it like... August 30th. Yeah, August 30th. Theyust 30th they went around actually it was like september 15th but they went around and they were knocking hats off people's heads and they did it to a group of dock workers who got really mad and a big brawl erupted and then by the end of this like by the end of the day there were like a thousand people running through new york city like beating the shit out of people wearing straw hats whoa like just went way too big yeah people got arrested a couple people went to the hospital.

It was a big thing. And then the New York Times reported on it. It was like a whole deal, you know? Okay. So that's the Straw Hat Riot of 1922, which I am an expert on. Okay, so Straw Hat Riot, wiki. Let's see it.

Let's see your Straw Hat Riot. There it is, man. I wrote that shit. You wrote it. Oh, this is pretty long. The straw hat riot of 1922 was a riot that occurred in New York City, originating as a series of minor riots that spread due to men wearing straw hats past the unofficial date that was deemed socially acceptable, September 15th.

It lasted eight days, and it led to many arrests and some injuries. I refuse to spread this podcast reading Wikipedia. I'm very proud of Isaac. Well, you can go. We can put it on the subreddit. Do you get anything for doing this? Were you just wanting to highlight this part of history? Well, you know, I just went on Wikipedia.

I was like, well, they've got to already have a Straw Hat Riot article, and they did not. And I was like, well, duty calls, you know? Yeah. When was this? I was in college. Okay. So you were how how you mean age 21 probably 20 or 21 oh did a crack open a cold one and fucking contribute factual information

you're the only person who's ever been in college and put real facts on wikipedia don't worry i also every every other edit i made on wikipedia was fake i i put a bunch of fake historical facts on some articles just to see how long they would stay there and they're all still there so okay well see i with the the thing i like the idea is that you you write one really good article and then everyone trusts you yeah i built up my credibility with a straw hat riot and now like i fucking people have like wrong historical facts about george pickett the guy who led pickett's charge at gettysburg and they'll never know wow what'd you put in there professor chaos over here dude i mean it's like a really minor i just said

that he you're like the gayest libertarian oh hey i'm not a libertarian don't get me wrong bro okay well do you control the you control the truth then then you control the hats you know like what are you doing? I don't know, man. I thought it was a fun prank in college. I was fucking, I was very lame. I still am. Yeah, no, no, it's interesting.

I like it. All right. We're going to get into our game. Oh, boys, it's time to play a round of one of our favorite games. Maybe our favorite game. I don't remember how we do this segment, but it's time for which of the following oh that favorite game yeah all right so this one uh comes to us from listener harrison reed hi mean boys i've put together a little game of which of the following some of the weird ass shit from classical mythology which i just dug up in light of our earlier conversations

sorry the entries were a little wordy but i've tried to keep it as short as possible still of which of the following? Some of the weird-ass shit from classical mythology, which I just dug up in light of our earlier conversations. Sorry the entries were a little wordy, but I've tried to keep it as short as possible, still having all the details. Enjoy. Cheers, Harrison. Thank you, Harrison, if you want to send us a game. Meanboyspodcast.gmail.com is where you do it.

Round number one, murder edition. A, jealous of his brother Osiris, the Egyptian god Set brings a highly decorated coffin into a dinner party and promises to give it to whoever fits it perfectly. Once Osiris gets in, Set fills it with molten lead and throws it into the Nile, which kills Osiris super dead. B, each night Thor kills his goats, Toothbearer and Toothgrinder, cooks them and eats them.

He then resurrects them each morning with a bolt of lightning he uses to pull out of his chariot. And he uses them to pull his chariot. C, for failing to show the proper respect to a tree, traveling singer Tetsuko was eaten alive by foxes. Or D, for making fun of a guy named Elysius for being bald. Capital G God sends a bunch of bears to kill some children. They died.

Could you read C and D again? C was for failing to show the proper respect to a tree, the traveling singer Tetsuko was eaten alive by foxes. And D was for making fun of a guy named Elysius for being bald. Capital G God. I'm assuming that means the god of the Judeo-Christian faith sends a bunch of bears to kill some children. The children died. All right, I'm going to let Tom weigh in first because I have a 50-50 shot at this.

Okay. Tetsuko. What mythology was that from? That would be Japanese myth. That would be a Japanese... It would be foxes. Probably like Shinto. Yeah, I'm going to go capital G.

Okay. Bears killing the children. I think it's... Man. I think it's D. Okay. I guess it might be capital... It's either C or D, and I'm not sure which.

Or I'm wrong, and I'm going to look like an idiot. All right. The answer is C. Fuck. Tetsuko is not eaten alive by foxes. I should have known that. In other words, you're just smart enough to be close. God damn it.

Real knowledge doesn't help at all. Yeah, you're not even the best at the lame thing you know about. I don't care about mythology very much. You don't. That's why you could identify shintoistic figures uh that and they're look shinto is not my favorite mythology okay it's kind of weird well that's what isaac has curvy roofs you know there was a jack-in-the-box off the 60 for a while that had like a curvy japanese roof like a weird shinto roof i was like what are

we doing like what did this used to be what What are we doing here? Is this allowed? It's the only jack in the box that has a Benihana grill for no reason. Yeah, yeah. It was just like this. Oh, they're chopping up your hamburger. It was like every time you go through the city of industry, there's like an oddly racist jack in the box. It was a good jack in the box. It was just me and construction workers every time I went in there. I used to hit it all the time late at night.

Round number two, Spank Me Harder Daddy Edition. These are all punishments given to or by gods. A, for raping another man's woman, the Hindu god Indra was cursed to be covered with a thousand vaginas because he sulked in his room and wouldn't do his god shit. The other gods eventually relented and turned the vaginas into a thousand eyes. Ooh, that's a lot right out the gate. B, after sleeping with his cousin Metis and getting her pregnant, the god Zeus swallowed her whole.

He was then afflicted with crippling headaches until he cracked his skull open on an anvil, at which point the goddess Athena stepped out of his forehead fully grown. So he had a womb in his head. C. For cheating on him with the god Ares, Hephaestus tricked his wife Aphrodite under a golden net with her lover and called all the other gods and goddesses to come laugh at them. Yo, this is the original revenge porn. Well, yo, shit, I saw your girlfriend on Pornhub. Bangnet.

Yes. After falling pregnant with child not from her husband, the goddess Ancotet was transformed into a monster with the head of a crocodile and the body of a hippo. She still had to have the baby. Damn. Sounds like my ex-wife. Am I right, guys? Oh, i right guys oh man i'll give this guy credit these are all very plausible yeah i'm trying to remember which of these i actually know

which i don't again tom you may weigh in what was a a was um the guy with a thousand vaginas oh a thousand vaginas and then uh c was uh was the uh the golden net Where all the other gods laughed at him I'm going D I'm double D'ing down Alliteration I know C is true I think B is true That's how Athena was born A seems true

I'm going to go with D too The answer is D guys Quad D Wow dude That was the fucking lamest shit I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, we high-fived. Oh, dude. Oh, man, we both got the same library books.

I know, I know. Yeah, yeah. No, no. I know some shit about mythology. Yeah, that illustrated Greek myth book growing up, you know? Oh, you had that, too? Yeah, that was the shit, man. Oh, shit.

It's like Zoofax, but it's not even real. The children's animated picture book of transmogrificated rapes and murders. I'm pretty familiar with Greek mythology. It's hilariously the Asian mythologies, even though I grew up Buddhist, I'm like, I don't know. You grew up Buddhist? Yeah, I was raised Buddhist. Ah, okay. But not Shinto. No, Shinto's totally different.

Yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Oh, this is the best part. Just three white guys explaining other cultures. Why don't you go back to reading Wikipedia, Cotter? I was good. I turned the signal boost. explaining other cultures. Why don't you go back to reading Wikipedia, Cotter? I'm trying to signal boost. I have turned this podcast into the worst nerdy podcast. I'm so sorry.

Hey guys, welcome to the shitty dollop. No riffing. Welcome to fact noises. Nothing interesting. Did you know cough medicine used to have heroin in it? It was very sad. The end. Really? Yes. I believe heroin used to have heroin in it? It was very sad. The end.

Really? Yes. Yeah, I believe heroin used to be a children's cough syrup. Wow. How do I get that disease? They should have renamed it. Yeah. Hey.

Hey. Oh. Oh. Hey. All right. Round number three. That is why edition. Thor was challenged to drink from a mead horn connected to the ocean.

He drank so much that he moved the sea levels, and that is why we have tides. The god Kartum, northeast Africa, was afflicted with a horrible diarrhea after eating bad fish. He then sprayed shit all over a set of hills, and that is why we have coffee. C. The woman Arachne challenged the goddess Athena to a weaving and spinning contest. After losing, Athena transformed her into a hideous creature, and that is why we have spiders. I do like that he fucked his cloud fleshlight and then made monsters. I feel like Tom and I are on the same page here, right? Like, I think both the Greek things are true. Yeah, I think so.

It was the tides and it was the... We're creating the tides and then the guy's diarrhea creating coffee, which honestly seems so out there. The coffee one was in Greek. No, no, that was like... Yeah, that was... That's, again, like our random grab bag, non-European mythology. Yeah.

But I don't know, I'm not familiar with this Thor and the Tide story. I gotta be honest. It's either A or B, I think. The level of analysis taking place. I'm sorry I'm bringing my analytical mind to which of the following, Connor. If I may test my Socratic method on your diarrhea game i think we can reveal some puzzling inconsistencies on behalf of mr reed connor i was on who wants to be a millionaire and i'm making up for it now i'm not gonna fucking embarrass myself i forgot you lost who wants to

be a millionaire how much money did you lose five thousand i made five thousand you made five thousand i got twenty thousand dollar question wrong oh dude if i just been analytical and sat there and thought it through i would have gotten it right well you know you win if you win which of the following right uh you don't even keep score i know we don't yeah i mean okay i've never heard the tide one the fact that you haven't heard it either that's suspicious it's but at the same time it sounds like some shit i don't like this co-op thing that's going on. But I will also say it's weird that Poseidon had nothing to do with that shit. Well, no, he's Greek. The tide's that.

That's Norse. Oh, that's right. This is Norse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dumbass. You fucking idiot. Getting the Norse and the Greek confused. Who are you, seven?

Could you read B again one more time? The diarrhea thing. B, the god Cardam, parenthetical, northeast Africa, was afflicted with a horrible diarrhea after eating bad fish. He then sprayed shit all over a set of hills, and that is why we have coffee. God, I mean, that's so weird. I'm going coffee, and here's the logic, okay?

I think I'm going to go with this logic. A is correct, which means the next thing he's coming up with is a fake one, which is why fish in the ocean are involved. You're not giving a reason at all. And that is why. I'm going to go with A. I just don't know this tide story. It sounds plausible, but so does the coffee

thing. So I'm going to go A. It honestly sounds more Greek than Norse. Well, guys, we have a new leader. The answer is b yeah that is why that is why tommy guy says that is why shit coffee round number four all real or all fake these are all things that zeus turned into to have sometimes consensual sex with a woman other than his wife okay okay a congressman am i right? Welcome to The Real Time with Bill Maher. I'm Bill Maher, and I'm a house.

Okay, so these are all things that Zeus tended to have sex, sometimes consensual sex, with women that were not his wife. A, a swan. B, a golden shower. C, a bull. D, another goddess. All real or all fake? They're all real, I think.

A bull or a bull? A bull. A bull would be great. I don't know the bull story. I know the bull be great i don't know the bowl store i know the bowl store i don't know the bowl store i thought you said ball it would be pretty funny you're like yeah you could put rice in me or pussy like oh yeah how do you fuck a bowl i guess it's like a really tiny bowl put your tit in the bowl there's a bowl sitting on the counter he goes hello and you're like what and he's like come over And you're like, what? And he's like, come over here. Nice cold bowl. Got some hot tits in that little coke.

Wouldn't you want to put one of your tits in this bowl? She puts a tit in the bowl and somehow she's pregnant. Like, immediately. Oh, yeah, yeah. She has Zeus' child. And then she shit a dragon out of her nipple. And that's why we have gay people. And this is all real or all fake? All real or all fake, baby. All real.

Those are all real. Tom Goss wins. God damn it. Still the reigning mythology champ. Rectus Dominus. Rectus, what does that mean? I should have, this guy, he made all the non-European myth the fake one. That's not fair. To me, that's a little racist.

It's a little racist to make up all these non-European myths. Should I have screened the game? Yes. Have I ever done that? Not really. really no I certainly haven't uh but uh that was uh that was the following uh the mean boys podcast will be right back with your questions comments and voicemails in the mean boys mailbag right after this oh ladies and gentlemen the mean boys podcast returns and it's that time of the show it's time

for the mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the Dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. That's where the jingle goes.

Oh boy, guys. I did bump the tweet by saying Isaac is early because he's a fucking nerd So get your questions in ASAP A tweet that was liked by Ramsey Bedawi and Shane Gillis Shots fired If you were to exist in any game For the rest of eternity

What game would it be? Of course we have a follower named Gromzark I don't know what that means What's Gromzark referenced to? I don't know what it's referenced to either. It just sounds like a nerdy thing. Probably the name of his fucking half-orc cleric in D&D 2.0, back when him and his wife first started seeing each other on the BBS boards.

I extrapolate a lot from that. Any game? Like a video game? Like a video game, I guess. I mean, this is a pretty easy answer for me. Pokemon. I was going to say the exact same thing. Yeah, because universal health care.

Yeah, I mean, nurses everywhere, you know. Oh, yeah, that's right. Ash doesn't have insurance and shit. You'd think there would be a poker insurance episode. I actually wouldn't think that. That's not a thing I would think. That's like some shit they were doing in Teen Titans Go, which I watched a couple of episodes with our buddy Billy's ex-wife's kid

while I was in Oklahoma. Oh, he got divorced? Again, yeah, yeah. Oh. I'm sorry I missed the wedding. Love you, Billy. Yeah, shouts out to Billy. Yeah, I was watching Teen Titans Go,

and it was like they had a lot of like, ooh, jokes for adults. You know, it was a very weird show. But I don't know. Pokemon would be good. Maybe like fucking some kind of sandbox game where you have superpowers, I feel like, would be the move. Like Infamous? That's a game where that happens. Or Just Cause or something.

Dude, are we the same person? You know, it's starting to seem that way. I'm just Tom without the brain damage. We'd be the same guy. Hey, you box just a little bit. You could be just like me. Yeah, I'm going Minecraft. I can mod it so I could be

Spider-Man or something. Okay. How did Isaac feel after winning his first Spelling Bee? That's rude. I lost it. I lost the only Spelling Bee I ever did. I lost the Spelling Bee. Baby. We're discussing off my co-host, Isaac's number one Spotify artist on his Tinder page or what? They keep trying to make it the Greg Ken band.

And I've listened to like one Greg Ken song ever. And it's just like, no, you love the people who did Jeopardy. And it's like, I don't. But now girls have to think I do. It's terrible. Okay, so this guy who has a BMI of 2% and no muscle loves Power Pop. Wow, what a hunk. Yeah, well, hey, you know, Power Pop is good.

Are you still on Tinder? I'm still on Tinder. I mostly use it just for literally, like, matching with a girl and then validation of, like, matching with a girl, but I never talk to them. Oh, okay. Do they ever initiate conversations with you? If they initiate a conversation, I'm not going to be rude most of the time.

I'll, like, initiate a conversation, but I'll be like... Also, when you talk to girls on Tinder, they don't put any effort in you know they're just like you're like hey so uh what do you like and they're like i like disney and it's like wow really giving me a lot to go on here yeah what is kind of no matter who's uh you know whoever kind of has the upper hand on tinder it is just sort of a game of like all right impress me yeah yeah and i'm not going to impress anybody i don't want to work to impress somebody so I work a very similar way. Well, see, I don't want to, like, mislead anybody and pretend to be super interested in something I'm not, you know,

because that feels rude to me. Sure. I've done it, but I never like how it went, you know? Yeah. I will say every time I've had sex ever has been initiated entirely by the woman. Me too. You got it. Oh, yeah.

You got to initiate. You got to initiate. That's right out of the Tom Goss playbook. Yeah. If you ever just walked away from a girl talking to you and then ended up dating them for two years, you might be Tom Goss. Did you listen when we did Tom Goss dating simulation? Yeah, yeah, I did. And I was like, damn, I need that.

All right. We'll do one with Isaac right now. Wait, wait. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. In this scenario, we just had you on a live mean

boys podcast at the north bar in burbank okay uh or wherever that noho or some shit not north but not yeah this is chicago i'm thinking of the good night yeah yeah good night yeah yeah and uh you know there's like 35 40 people there uh you had a good set you had funny riffs on stage and you're hanging out you know people are singing karaoke people People are milling around. It's a good vibe. And a girl walks up to you. She's about 5'6". She's a little chubby. Straight blonde hair. She's wearing glasses.

She's got a striped black t-shirt. Black and white striped t-shirt. Wearing tight jeans and flats. Very sensible outfit. This is your type? This is my type. I just picked this. This is the type of This is my type. I just picked this. I mean, this is the type of woman who hits on me, at least.

Yeah, yeah. So your type. I mean, that has to be. She walks up to you. Hey, you were on stage earlier, right? Yeah. Yeah, you were so funny. I love the bit about Jeopardy.

Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. You a big Jeopardy fan? Not really. I mean, I've seen it. I don't know. I mean, the bit is kind of like is anybody really a fan you know i mean oh i i'm a fan but yeah yeah you watch you watch jeopardy every night

not every night i watch with my roommates sometimes you know just like you guys get together and like get fucked up and watch jeopardy yeah it's like a chill hangout sort of vibe thing everyone gets high and watches jeopardy oh so you smoke pot and watch jeopardy i don't but they do yeah you don't you don't drugs? I tried pot once and it made me throw up, so I, you know. Okay. Wow, that's, what kind of pot? It was just, I tried too much. It was like a web series where they got people high for the first time and I just smoked way, way too much.

How many hits did you do? Oh, like 17, 18. 17 hits? Yeah. Wow. It was too much. I threw up twice and fell asleep. Do you drink? Can I buy you a drink? Uh, sure? Yeah. Wow. It was too much. I threw up twice and fell asleep. Do you drink?

Can I buy you a drink? Sure. Yeah. If they have cider here. Why did you sound so suspicious? I'm not suspicious. I'm just like, I'm not a huge drinker, you know, but I don't want to be rude. I obviously would love to have a drink with you.

But yeah. Okay. What are you drinking? Cider? Can we abort the situation you want a cider i'm so uncomfortable you want what kind of cider apple the apple pear whatever they got you know do they make pear cider they do make pear cider why do you know so much about cider if you want a big drink you only drink cider drink cider you get fucked up on cider and watch jeopardyy. I don't get fucked up.

I have like a cider, you know, just to loosen up a little bit. All right. You have a cider to loosen up. So tell me about you. Two ciders. Me? I do freelance graphic design. I just did a few thumbnails for Vice earlier today.

It's just kind of like all cash-in-hand stuff. I have a Fiverr page, you know. The freelance life, I know it well. Oh, yeah? What kind of freelancing do you do? I mean, you know, comedy is being, like, freelance. It's freelance work. I do, like, fucking acting stuff sometimes.

You know how it is. Oh, have you been in anything? I might know. I mean, I don't know. I'm not. If you haven't, that's fine. I mean, no, I've been in lots of stuff just in the background. Oh, what have you been in the background of?

Oh, man, everything. The Big Bang Theory, fucking Barry on HBO. I like Barry a lot. It was a great show. Okay, all right. Yeah, just a ton of, just name a thing. I've probably been on it at some point. Wow.

Yeah, it's not as impressive as it sounds, but, I mean, you live in L.A., so you probably know that. Yeah, no, I mean, it's so hard out here. Yeah, definitely, definitely. Anyway, yeah, let's get that drink, huh? He's doing a lot better than you, Tom. Am I? I tried to tap out at one point. No, I think you did pretty good.

I think that was good. Yeah, yeah. I left a couple dead spots in there. I made you get the conversation moving again. Oh, boy, Tom. You may not have had the best conversation starters, but you hit them quick. Yeah, I did. You know, you kept it rolling. Got in and out. You may not have had the best conversation starters, but you hit them quick. Yeah, I did. You know, you kept it rolling.

Got in and out. You were good enough to impress me. Yeah, it's like crowd work. You just got to keep talking. I'm not good at crowd work. I'm good at first dates. No, you're not. Well, Tom also.

Actually, Tom's good at crowd work now. Yeah, I southpaw my crowd work. You're pretty good. Yeah, you're pretty good at it. But when I brought Tom to the casino and he was shocked that there was a hoodlum, he was like, well, there's two beds in this hotel room. I've never seen such luxury. Oh, I do the road.

I sleep on hardwood floors with no fucking. I got nothing underneath. And I did the shitty casino. And then Tom asked the guy, oh, do you? I go to the bathroom. I walk back in. He's talking to my man in the front row. Like, OK, so you do you work for the train service?

Well, no, that wasn't crowd work. I was doing a bit about racism in Thomas the Tank Engine. Oh, I forgot about this. And that guy raised his hand. It's like, I'm Thomas the Tank Engine. You're mad about me reading about Digimon or Bionicle Cultural Appropriation, and you're doing a racism, eugenic Thomas the Train piece? Hey, I'm also doing a SpongeBob gentrification bit soon.

Are you really? Yeah, well, it's worked into a bigger bit. This is why you got to go see Tom. This is the fucking best. It's a tangent in the bit. I'm still working it out. But, yeah, no, I'm talking about white and black. Krabs will not replace us.

And everyone goes. Mr. Krabs is Jewish. Everyone starts going, it's because it's coal. And I was befuddled that they were trying to give me actual facts about trains in this casino in Redding, California. Not a big autistic community. Yeah. More of a meth community. That's the one thing the meth hat and the autistic people have in common is their love of trains.

Whether it be the mechanics of their operation or jumping on them and going from town to town to sell stolen electronics for fistfuls of cash. But, yeah. All right. Leroy F. Goldtooth writes, oh, he's just recommending the podcast passive aggressively. Mean Boys podcast is decent if you realize that true horror is the reality we already inhabit. Okay, man, that doesn't leave the edginess to us. Are shaved Brussels sprouts sexier than whole Brussels sprouts? What does that mean?

What are shaved Brussels sprouts? I do like that this is sent to us by Queef Carrie, whose Twitter bio I looked earlier says, because Hitler 69 420 was taken. I've never shaved a brussel before I just eat them I don't even eat them I can't say that they're They're like very low on my vegetable power

They're up there I listen to the Joe Rogan Experience I know how to field dress a brussel sprout I shoot it with a bow and arrow And I get out my bowie knife And then I eat it for six months in my freezer What is the best vegetable do you think? Terry Shivo, number one.

Fucking lame joke. Brussels are up there. You really think Brussels are like a top vegetable? They're a top, yeah. I mean, look at something like spinach, which is so versatile. Oh my God. Me and Tom are going to start our own podcast where we just debate trains and Brussels sprouts. I would love it.

Vegetable versus vegetable. No eye contact power hour. Isaac and Tom. Brussels are up there. There's no vegetable that I'm like straight up and go like, fuck that veggie. Top vegetable, bell pepper. That's a good vegetable.

Bell peppers are up there. But I mean like, you can't eat a bell pepper on its own. You don't know what I'm capable of. You can, but bell peppers are best with stuff. I like a vegetable that, like spinach, you can eat on its own. You can saute it. You can eat a bell pepper like an apple. They're sweet as hell.

I guess. Look at Tom. You're just eating a bell pepper like a Granny Smith? Yeah. That'd be very Tom, though. just eating a bell pepper like a Granny Smith? Yeah. That'd be very Tom, though. That'd be very on-brand for Tom. Just walk around and eat a bell pepper. Pull out a paper bag, pull out a bell pepper, just start chomping it like some kind of errant field animal.

Did I ever tell you guys that? When I was like seven or eight, it must have been like eight or nine, and I watched, I think it was Huckleberry Finn, and I just enjoyed the fact that he always just had an apple with him. That was what you enjoyed. Yeah, I was just like, that's cool. So I remember I went to my neighbor's house. I'm eating an apple, and then I put another apple in my pocket. I have a pocket apple now, and I go to my neighbor.

The kid's not there, and the dad's like, oh, you finished your apple. Would you like another apple? And I just pull out the apple out of my pocket like, no, I'm good. I thought it was so fucking cool. That story didn't go anywhere near where I thought it was going. I thought it was going somewhere. Tom, here is the story. One time I had two apples.

That was the beginning and end. Tom is just a fucking math word problem. Tom has two apples. He eats one. How many apples does he have? In the summer of 2001, for a brief time, I had in my possession not one but two apples. This was after 9-11. One of which I stole. And was after 9-11. One of which I still

and it posed 9-11 world. Children aren't trick-or-treating. The fucking Patriot Act has been rushed through Congress and Tom Goss had two whole apples. It was making him 1800s kid rich. Oh, I

could trade those for a fine tobacco from the local shop. Oh, God. Tom Goss and Huckleberry Finn, the fucking adventures. Dude, I'd watch Tom Raft anywhere. I would watch you inner tube down the river with the black guy. You and Opie river tubing down a river. This is Huckleberry Finn, the modern version.

Me and Opie would get into hilarious fights going down the river. Yeah, oh, man. It would be, yeah, that would be it. You guys just, not that you don't get along at all, but you guys get along great, but it's just, you have very different priorities in life, I think. Tom, do you have a story about being tricked into painting a fence? He's got a story about becoming a podcast host, it's pretty similar. Yes, yeah, kind of. Well, Patreon's real fun now, Tom. I ate a whole box of spaghetti once.

What's the most disgusting amount of food yins have eaten in one sitting? What is this yins thing? It's like a Pittsburgh thing. Y-I-N-S. Yeah, it's Pittsburgh. Well, it's Andrew Hillary, the guy who wrote our jingle

and let us crash on a couch. He explained yins to us when we stayed with him. Did he really? Yeah. I might have been watching the Kanye live stream. It was in his car.

Okay. I remember because I had video footage of it. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Okay. What's the most disgusting amount of food I've eaten in one sitting? I think one time I'd been driving Postmates all day a couple years ago, and I think I

just ate a whole $6 Little Caesars in my car while I was driving around. It was like a holiday or something, so I was just trying to make money, and I just fucking ... It was just hot. It was in my old fucking PT Cruiser, I think, and I was just trying to make money and i just fucking it was just hot i had it was in my old uh fucking pt cruiser i think and i was just putting away uh just hot and ready pizza just sweating it all in my face just broke breaking out just fucking giving people thai food and just making four dollars i think that was disgusting that was pretty bad do you have one i mean you guys can look at me no i haven't eaten a truly disgusting amount of food in one sitting ever in my life. But I guess the closest, I ate like probably $6 worth of dollar menu Taco Bell items in one sitting once.

Oh, man. That's a lot of food. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tom, where are you at? All right. Well, in Detroit, when we were staying with Claire and Dave. Oh, man.

Tom. I took a large edible, and I get high very easily. By the way, Tom Goss got high and played Portal, and I got to share some video of that. Oh, yeah. And I debated. I debated. We're like, do I want to do harder drugs or eat cake? Yeah.

And I ate all the cake. I destroyed. Yeah, there's a couple who were there for their one-year wedding anniversary, and they brought two cakes. No, no. One cake was given to us. Okay. Yeah.

We got one cake. And I ate half of both full cakes. I ate a full cake they were both delicious and i was like bouncing i peanut butter fruit peanut butter fruit yeah yeah you had a little speedball going yeah and all the people who came over actually like were doing drugs and i was the one the next morning we're like god man you gotta take it easy on the cake after dude did whip it to the point he couldn't stand up and then saw his wedding cake, I was like, what the fuck happened to the cake? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was so high, I didn't realize every slice was two slices of cake.

I didn't realize it was stacked. Yeah, yeah. So I just kind of kept, I remember being very high and thinking like, man, this knife is going far. Oh, geez, this cake is long and then i got distracted and i started cutting out uh and so it's just like the base was like way thick and then i just like grabbed chunks of it with my hand because the chunks couldn't fall yeah so yeah no that was uh that was dude that was i'm lucky that that didn't kick back up my pancreatitis the amount of cake i ate that was that was like that was probably the riskiest thing you've done yeah yeah because every every six months you have a beer on the road and you know that's fine but

it's like the fucking cake like a whole cake that's a lot of cake yeah yeah it was it was a lot of it was a lot of cake they were both both rich cakes. They weren't like, ah, angel fucking... It wasn't like a light, fluffy cake. No, both of these... These were like dense-ass, Kathy just had a bad day on her period cakes. I don't think Kathy ever had a period. I don't think that's canon in Kathy. What?

Kathy definitely had... Kathy was always on her period. They couldn't talk about that in Kathy. It's a newspaper strip. Yeah, but I mean, it's implied. I know a lot about newspaper strips. It's like how Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes is an agent of Soviet influence that sought to

radicalize the youth of America through long-winded soliloquies while sledding in the woods. That's not canon either, Connor. I know, I'm kidding. I take newspaper comic strips very seriously. Noted Marxist Bill Watterson. Dude, I wrote a 20-page essay on High and Lowest. Dude, shout out

to Detroit. You guys may not have houses or whatever the fuck your problem is, but you guys got cake. Yeah, you guys got some. You had cake, weapons, and drugs. Yeah. I ate all that and I just fell asleep on a hardwood floor. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah. Because I took the bed.

Yeah. No, that was... God, if people weren't terrified to go to Detroit, that's a place I'd be like, I want to record something here, but no one would travel to... No one's gonna... Yeah. Well, I mean, people live there.

I mean, that's a big mean boys market. It is, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to the D. All right, guys. I love that city, yeah. Alexis, death to the filth, her old friend, writes, if you were to die and go to hell, and Satan gave you a pick of which area you would be in for all eternity,

which one would you take? Each area is based on one of the seven deadly sins. So lust would be an orgy, sloth, bed and TV, wrath, a giant war, gluttony, a big feast, envy, permanent reality show, pride, surrounded forever by sycophants, sounds like comedy, greed, nonstop acquisition of material goods. I don't know. Which one of these? I mean, if I really wanted to switch things up, I would choose lust just because that's so different than my earthly life.

Yeah, yeah. If you're going to hell, it's for some shit that you did in a casino to a guy living on a fixed income. Yeah, yeah. I mean, pride. I guess because I'm a comedian, I'd probably choose pride. Just like, oh, a great audience for the rest of my life. Oh, okay. I would do that.

Yeah, yeah. Just people that ate it up. Yeah. You don't think you'd go crazy like Steve Martin when he's doing arenas and just people are just going apeshit no matter what he said? I mean, I wouldn't know since I haven't experienced that yet in my career, but for now, I have to assume it seems pretty good. Okay.

Yeah. I, uh, I'd probably take, uh, the thing about sex is there's like, there's like four moves really. So I feel like that gets boring. Uh, TV. Uh, that would, I don't like, I'd be late having to lay down forever would suck. I don't like eating that much. I guess permanent re-out. No.

Cause then I'd be paranoid. Hmm. Turns out sins are bad. It's like that Twilight Zone episode. I guess I'll go greed. Getting stuff forever. Do you get to use the stuff or just get the stuff? I don't know.

I assume you don't get to use the stuff. That's like the drawback. You just get a lot of drawbacks. So in the greed level, it's just like a Mario game with no goombas. You just can't spend them or do anything with them. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go. Oh, sorry.

I was going to say lust is like deceptively good. Like a never-ending orgy. But I bet the drawback is that like you come and you don't want to be anywhere near sex once you're done with sex. But you just have to be there the entire time. Think about the dick chafing. That's why you try to edge for eternity. Yeah. You know, so you're always right there.

I'd have to go wrath. Yeah. The endless war? Yeah. You know, so you're always right there. I'd have to go wrath. Yeah. The endless war? Yeah. Why? Uh, it would be a good way to express my feelings.

Damn, Tom. Damn, Tom. It's fucking hardcore, bro. Yeah. No, I mean, it may be therapeutic for me.

Yeah, you know, I could, uh, I mean, I mean, I'm not a fan of any of those. Yeah, I mean, you know, they got different things and then sometimes, you know, I could do it. I mean, I'm not a fan of any of those. Yeah, I mean, you know, they've got different things, and then sometimes, you know, yeah. Yeah, I don't have the intimacy skills for nonstop fuckery. I mean, after you had two apples, you've already understood. You've already understood material well that it's apex.

Yeah. No, I caged the animal in me. There are people out there that have two apples. Why do you need more than one? The doctor is not coming. You can't get one. There's no health care for the poor. 10% of the people have 200% of the apples. They're eating all the apples.

What happened to a good farmer's market? I already live in a constant state of paranoia, so I guess it would work out. Yeah, you kind of do. Alright, let's take a listen to some of our voicemails. Hi, this is Robbie Goodwin. I just wanted to ask if Connor booked Isaac because he was mentioned on Comptown and if there was a second reason.

All right, thanks, guys. Thanks, Robbie. That's it. I'm just capitalizing off the work of others. Why did they mention you on Comptown? They told a story about me living in a mostly accurate story about when I lived in South Central when I first moved here. Because we lived in like a crip neighborhood,

like obviously crip neighborhood. There's like Crip Crippiti everywhere. And like there was a Circle K right down the street from us and we went in there one time and there was a guy. Was it a blue circle around the K instead of a red? No, it was still red. But we went in there and there was a guy who was like a crip who had just gotten out of jail.

He was very funny. He was like the funniest man I've ever met. But I was wearing like a burg there, and there was a guy who was like a crip who had just gotten out of jail. He was very funny. He was like the funniest man I've ever met. But I was wearing like a burgundy shirt, and at one point he's just like, hey, I wouldn't wear that around here if I were you. I was like, oh. And he's like, I mean, not that anyone would think you were, but I'm just saying don't wear that. Yeah, yeah. No, I had the same thing.

I went to a rib place in South Central with a girl I was kind of seeing, and I had a sweater tied around my waist. And he was like, I wouldn't wear a sweater tie well he kept like he kept like like going like this like means they want to sodomize like scooching me over and i kept ignoring him because i was freaked out i was just trying to get my pulled pork and leave you know yeah and then he keeps like scooching and finally he walks up to me he's like hey man i wouldn't wear a sweater around my waist in this neighborhood and i was like yes sir i just took it off and i just held in my arms and i was like okay yeah yeah it's probably a a butt fuckery thing no i booked isaac because i was thinking about

his pant size while i was driving yeah literally connor texted me he's just like hey we gotta have you on the podcast to talk about your pant size it's like oh okay yeah i mean i'll take whatever i can get i guess this is fascinating to me the pant the pants 27 35 i mean it's yeah it was it turned into a long conversation about pants. Yeah, and then I ran into him at the comedy store. Because we don't put a lot of effort into the show. He also booked me because I'm very funny. You're one of my favorites.

You know that. You got hilarious pants. I tried to get Isaac to play me on a TV show where they had a reenactment of the bits, but they went with a blonde, pretty YouTube boy. Yeah, I was not handsome enough as a kid. I saw a picture. Let me find a picture of the guy, because it's almost- Oh, that would be so funny.

It's almost- I do want to see this. It sounds like a Zac Efron motherfucker. Yeah, I mean, he's just way cuter than me, and I was like, what the fuck? I don't know. It was some girl that I'd met doing some weird dating show at the Laugh Factory that I didn't really... I kind of remember, and then she hit me up, hit me up and I was like oh okay I've just got a bunch of DMs from someone named homeless Oprah who

keeps harassing me yeah I don't know fucking shit I'll find it yeah I'll play this other voicemail the way I look for it what do you mean voice I'm not drunk as shit but I'm still in Santa Cruz

I was just listening to the last Mark Malloy and I like the idea that it's like you know at the end of the Lord of the Rings when it's like I think that's what happens it's like they're reading the words off the page,

like Bilbo wrote some shit or some fuck, and they're reading it. I like the idea that Mark Malloy's sending these letters to some poor child, and we're just hearing the sound of Mark's voice in the kid's head as he reads them. Gotta be honest, I don't know what he's talking about. I have no idea.

I'm glad it's not just me. But here's a picture of the guy that's playing me oh what the fuck I know yeah he seems like a nice guy he said nice things about me or whatever guy on the right or left? guy on the right yeah the left is a woman the left is clearly a woman

very rude to Jenny.Robbins who is playing my girlfriend on the show but yeah and Lindsay Jennings is playing my girlfriend on the show. But yeah. And Lindsay Jennings is playing another girl from the bit. So yeah, you can go see all of them when that comes out. But I was just like, man, this guy's too fucking his eyebrows are like plucked. Well, I don't know.

Just was hurtful. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about, man. I'm sorry. So yeah, we'll go to the next one. I know what Mark Malloy is. I did know that part. Yeah.

Hey, meme boys. This is Jake from Illinois. I like how people, like, our listeners are so, like, unhelpful. They get weird, like, hey, meme boys. This is Jake from Illinois. Shout out to Jag from Illinois. In regards to your Dr. Demento joke. I don't understand why girls don't like the show.

Listen, we explained hats for 10 minutes. It seems like a no-brainer that women would love the podcast, but the Dr. Demento jokes are not breaking through. I don't know who Dr. Demento is. Connor, we can talk about Magic the Gathering if you want. Do you play Magic? I play a lot of Magic. Connor apparently is a Yu-Gi-Oh guy.

I've got to go pee again, actually, because I just want to have this discussion. Do you play Magic, Tom? I used to. Okay. That's pretty much everyone's relationship with Magic the Gathering. Do you still play? I still play a little bit, yeah.

Do you play Standard or Block or Legacy? I like drafting a lot. Drafting's the best way to do it. It is. You don't have to fucking... I went to a couple tournaments and guys just fucking kicked my ass. It's just like these guys spend thousands of dollars on cards. I don't want to do that.

I just want to have a good time. I play casual. I build lots of little themed decks that are just bad but fun. That's what I like. That's what I like about Magic. Dude, I'd do a draft with you. Yeah, man. I don't have the money to buy a fucking box

of cards right now. No, no, this is a future engagement. This is not a current... If the Republicans have their way, there is going to be another draft, so you guys might just get your wish. Am I right? I am unhirable by the military. Blue wave. Okay, guys? Resist.

I have a story back up to fifth grade, early 90s music class. The teacher told us to bring in. OK, are you smoking ham? You have a cigar. This guy ran a marathon. I got to call the mean boys right away. Guys, I just climbed the stairs. I've got five minutes before my mom gets home from her shift at CVS and yells at me for being a neat without living off government retard money. I've got to tell you guys about what happened in music class 15 years ago. Some of our favorite music, and we would just spend the day in class sharing the music we enjoyed with everybody. Well, of course, I had to bring my weird al

yankovic cassette tapes fuck yeah so the first week i brought uh off the deep end the one that's like the parody of the nevermind album do that mansplain weird al covers to me yeah we all know off the deep end that has you can't watch this the classic parody of you can't touch this by mc hammer oh ten seconds ago it was you calling us a nerd now it's me calling you two a nerd well dude i had al palooza i had running with scissors i had fucking oh dude i love weird weird i was my introduction to comedy i might meet this is mcspadden buy me a word else you need to buy me al palooza and she sealed my fate at that point i was no longer attending college, and I would continue a lucrative career of podcasting. And I was literally the only person to bring any music to the class.

So we spent the entire class listening to Weird Al Yankovic, and no one in the class enjoying it. In fact, everyone was pretty annoyed with it. So fast forward to next week's music class. I bring the Alapalooza album in and the class votes to cancel the day. Oh, buddy. I was a loser then. Probably still a loser now. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Bro, shout out Jake from illinois i'm sorry that i'm sorry you're persecuted for loving great comedy music when i was in eighth grade i took a music appreciation class and i started gambling with the teacher on ducks games and i won like eight free pizzas dude fuck yeah yeah that's the same teacher we locked out of the room so we watch jerry springer instead of of it's he wanted to watch baseball and we didn't want to watch it so a guy really had like a sitcom-esque high school experience this was eighth grade yeah yeah and then we sent out the bullet to run run out the

door and then he ran out chasing we immediately shut the door locked it and what was the name of a kid it was it was uh it was just a uh it was like a metaphorical like run as fast as you can you can and see if he chases you. Then we locked the door behind him and watched Jerry Springer. He couldn't go to the principal because then he'd get in trouble for leaving the classroom. So he was just slamming on the door the entire time. And whenever he got real loud and threatened us, we just go, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. I ate a sandwich. It was a great day.

I took a music appreciation class in college. And I remember they were like, bring in your favorite song and analyze it or whatever. And I was just kind of like, I was kept to myself in community college, you know. And I brought in Jay Dilla's Welcome to the Show, which is my favorite song. And we did that. And then the next week, I was a little late. And I was outside like listening up against the door to see like if it was okay to kind of like a good time to come in and I overheard the teacher go does anyone know where that weird guy is for the really short like rap beat last week and someone's like no and she's like that guy

gives me the creeps and I was like well I'm not coming to school anymore and I stopped going damn that's yeah I have a similar... Yeah, yeah. All right. Next one. Hey, y'all mean boys. What the... Yeah, for y'all. What, mean boys? I'm down here on laser hand. I'm making a go-ball or whatever.

Well, I thought you should be a simple country lawyer. I know. I'm currently in the process of making ragu out of my little dog pussy. I just wanted to know. Damn, it's so cool that Dr. John listens in the process of making Ragul out of my little dog Pussy. I just wanted to know. Damn, it's so cool that Dr. John listens to the Mean Boys, dude. I'm just wondering what y'all favorite movie is. All right. Take out all, Mean Boys.

I thought this was Buffoon Lagoon guy, but it's not. Hey, y'all Mean Boys. I wanted to call and see. I've been trying to kick around It would be interesting to do Like a mass crossover Between Meat Boys And This is Rad And Goods from the Woods

And Crime What would be your ideal Mix and match Of characters Amongst shows to be able to Have like a big old C old crossover event between your hosts. We're going to have Ace Hole fight Mr. Goodnight. Yeah, yeah.

That sounds like a lot of work. And I've also never listened to any of those podcasts. I know we're often affiliated with them, but just being honest, I haven't heard any of any of them yeah i don't i don't listen to any podcasts except mean voice occasionally that's it yeah i mean i don't know um i wasn't really paying attention that would be fun though i mean i guess it seems like something keith seems like a keith question i i think i think a crossover event honestly like a crossover tour would be pretty fucking i don't think i don't know if that's ever gonna happen that could not logistically happen ever yeah but or just like a fun i mean do maybe do a double live show or maybe like a just a crossover yeah yeah yeah

or not even a double life i mean we did the good the rat and the mean and that was a fucking blast yeah that's when we just combined segments from all the different shows it was a great time we should do something like that again yeah we probably won't be able to travel with it, but doing it in L.A., I think we should fucking... Yeah, I'd be down. I think it would be a lot of fun. All right, our English listener who sent us a voicemail last week

via an audio file from his email, so he didn't get a you-didn't-pay-your-phone-bill message like the other guys that did that did, wrote, thanks, I thought it was a pretty good idea, too. I'm currently stateside at the moment and loving the whole America experience. Thought I'd make you another audio file for you to play because, yep, I'm still not willing to pay.

Cheers, Clarence. So let's hear what you've got to say, Clarence. All right. Hey, Mean Boys. It's fantastic hearing you guys do British accents. It's fucking terrible. Oh, fuck you then, mate. Fuck you.

So I was wondering. Slug off. Connor, can you do an Irish accent? Not really. Are there any other accents you guys can actually do? Yeah, not really. Once you feel really comfortable doing it. So I was wondering. Slug off. Connor, can you do an Irish accent? Or are there any other accents you guys can actually do? Yeah, not really. Once you feel really comfortable doing it. Yeah, Bush did 9-11. Did I ever tell you about the mature guy?

Robbie told me that Bush did 9-11. You mean Rapha? He wanted your oil. Oh, shit. I accidentally closed out of it. I can't do accents. Hey, me boys. Hey, me boys.

It's fantastic hearing you guys do British accents. It's fucking terrible. So I was wondering, Connor, can you do an Irish accent? Or are there any other accents that you guys can actually do? Ones you feel really comfortable doing, which aren't racist, preferably. Also,

I've just started seeing this girl girl and she's really fucking cool oh but nice mate she told me she was vegan and didn't drink didn't drink alcohol right before our first date and i plan to take her to a steakhouse and a pub so that obviously didn't go down all that well um i fucking love cooking, and I can't cook for her, and I'm British, so I fucking love drinking. So is it worth it, carrying on trying to make that work, or not?

Is there anything that's happened to you guys before that made you not want to date someone, or, you know, is there any, like, minute detail? Anyway, fuck everything. God is dead. All right, so here's my question. My current girlfriend, she's got man hands.

She's a bit of a close talker. She's always doing this thing where she licks her wedding invitations and gets poisoned, right? So I'm thinking, do I want to be with this woman? Do I want to have a steak and a laugh and a beer? It's a bit of a weird priority. Here's my question. Which Gallagher

brother would you be if you could be a Gallagher brother? I'd probably be the belligerent one. Whichever one it happens to be at the time. Yeah, so I've got it on my website. Do all the Oasis guys fighting or not? It just says yes or no. And I haven't updated it since 1994. It's been great.

Do you have an answer to his question? To which? 24. It's been a great... Do you have an answer? It's true. To his question. To which? Yeah, I don't know. If she's really cool, yeah, you should just, like, try a salad. Try a sober conversation. Or try to learn how to cook vegan shit instead of just boiling ham, which is, I assume, how the British cook.

I don't know. Yeah, I think they just glare at a roast until it barely doesn't have salmonella in it, and then they eat it with their fists, like some sort of medieval times type of thing. Yeah, exactly. British cooking is just medieval times. Yeah, yeah. I think you should give a go. See, one time I did not see a girl. I was in the psych ward, hospital of mental health,

and the Zodiac thing was happening and I told the girl and she said she didn't care if I killed people and then I was like that's a no go old chap I'm not gonna date you but nice to meet ya

okay I did not understand that. So, yeah, no, Tom, you said that for you a deal breaker is like if a girl's okay with murder. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much what I was saying. And you're saying that this guy's okay with murder because he likes steak. No, I'm saying you should go for it. And you think this girl should throw period blood on him as an act of protest. I think you should keep dating the vegan girl if she's cool, and maybe you'll learn how to cook vegan stuff.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah i mean uh i don't know if you finding someone that is that you like talking to i've dated every person i enjoy talking to that's basically what i've dated me yet oh hey i'm not gay uh you said every person yeah every girl or whatever that i've like really liked talking to hasn't been a great system for me, so I have no idea. It's never worked out very well at all. But if I'm like, oh, this is a good conversation, I could talk to you forever, I'm like, oh, I'll date that person. I've dated every girl who's been like, hey, have sex with me.

I've done that a couple times, too. That was an even worse move. Yeah, I think you've got to remember, the relationship is best when you guys balance each other out, you know? So maybe, you know, she'll show you a different side to life and you'll teach her how to kill a chicken or whatever the fuck you do out there and then you'll find some balance. My mom's vegan and my dad loves to fucking eat meat and burritos and shit.

Your mom vegan? Yeah, my mom's been vegan forever, yeah. I want to meet your mom. A long time. My mom's good. You'd love my mom. Is she single? I, my mom's been vegan forever. I want to meet your mom. A long time. My mom's good. She loved my mom. She's single? I don't know.

We'll see. I'm kidding. She's happily married to my father. But yeah, no, you guys, she's a big fan. Okay, guys, and we have one more email. I'm kidding. Ms. Mickey Spadden. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, Mean Boys. I plunked down $200 in eHarmony a few weeks ago and I found myself getting a good amount of attention. Even if nothing comes of online dating, it's now obvious that I'm not the most unappealing person on the planet, so there's hope for other Mean Boys fans yet. I got matched as compatible with someone who happens to be my dead cousin's widower. My cousin died suddenly five months ago of a medical occurrence after being married to this guy for eight years.

Though I'm not happy my cousin is dead, we weren't close, and I have no opinion on her widower. I've already hid an office profile, and I'm not going going to fuck him so i have no investment in this answer but the question is how long would you wait to date again after your spouse of eight years suddenly dies thanks go fuck yourself and release the southern tour schedule as soon as possible so i can try to travel out to a show um man how long would i wait i don't know if i became widowed i have no idea it really depends on how in love I was I guess Yeah I mean I don't really think there's a right or wrong answer Yeah I mean

There's I feel like you either have to wait like Years and years You got Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting Or the next day Just like fuck a bar There's like two I don't think you can middle

this shit i think you either go quick or you go you know you you turn into a crazy person who like has her fingernails or something like that like robin williams um what are you saying yeah i don't think there's this there's no one size fits all answer for this i don't know why i'm giving fucking dating advice to anybody. I've never been in love, bro. Fuck her at your cousin's wake or him or whatever. Yeah, so if you have a fucking question about the straw hat riot. Yeah, you got a history question.

They'll bring me back on. Blow over them when he comes. Throw the fucking information in his face. Every time we have like a like like when pond star is bringing a guy we'll be like okay we had a hat question so we called up our buddy isaac because i show up wearing like a just a weird suit yeah yeah and you're just like well actually 1938 was a big year for hats and then yeah it's it i also you don't call me isaac you call me like fucking ham or some bizarre nickname oh yeah yeah like that fucking mouse-eared like cholo pedophile that owns the toy store who's like, oh, yeah, these Transformers are actually really good.

And they're worth a lot of money, but I don't know about that much money. And then Rick goes, all right, I'll give you seven bucks. You know? All right. One more voicemail. What's up, Mean Boys? Sam from Milwaukee again. Just calling in to congratulate you all on your recent successes.

Thank you. And I also wanted to thank you for getting together for your regular podcast, still finding time to do that, and the bonus shit. It's really helping me out a lot. I know it's cliche, but I've been kind of stuck in a lab overnight for the last two months. Not the dog, Keith. It's a laboratory. And this is really helping me get through the bullshit uh just dealing with co-workers and whatnot uh i guess i had a question for you guys thank you oh there it is how do you guys deal with like close friends and

family with strongly differing political opinions i used to just avoid or change the subject but lately it seems like politics gets shoved down our throats every day and that's all anyone wants to talk about. So it's kind of unavoidable. I don't know. I figured being from California, you guys might have some friends with some very different opinions depending on who you are, family. I know Keith's got interesting family members. I'm not sure about Tom's, but I'm sure they're also interesting. Connor seems pretty on the level. But anyways.

You said it. I'm born. Peace out. Thanks again. And hope you guys all continue to be successful. Oh, well, thanks, buddy. And I'm glad you're digging the show. Sorry you're stuck in a lab with a bunch of other nerds.

Yeah. Differing political views. I'm pretty lucky in that all my immediate family and I essentially agree on stuff. My whole family is from the south, so my mom's side of the family especially. We'd go down there. We had a great uncle who would say the N-word and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Was he really a great uncle?

No. He sounds like a pretty bad uncle. Our reaction would be the my mom was the black sheep of the family so as a token liberals we just sort of like smile and nod and just be like oh later but yeah yeah you know i mean i don't know man just fucking try to keep the peace i guess i know it sucks that they uh that they believe that certain races are subhuman or whatever. But just smile and nod and just be like, later, goddamn. Yeah, I am pretty lucky.

We all pretty much agree. I did have to explain being trans to some of my family recently, and that was kind of awkward. I was just like, I don't know. I just sort of like kind of walked through it, and they're like, I don't get it. I'm like, yeah, but who cares? It's like cool. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like yeah i was like yeah but who cares you know it's like cool and they're like yeah and i was like oh geez okay this is the first one i guess this is the this is it's gonna happen everyone has a spot where they end you know

on like the fucking like where you you get woke to a point and then you go like i don't know about yeah i mean he's being trant or whatever your thing is i don't know about fucking robots yeah yeah yeah so that was i was like oh i found the wall you know so i don, I don't know about fucking robots. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, oh, I found the wall. You know, so I don't know. I mean, I do just try to, like, you know, if I have a disagreement. Like, my buddy Jake is very conservative. And, like, I don't know, every time I come see him,

we fight about FDR or something, you know, whether or not the Tennessee Valley Authority was an effective way to reboot the American economy. It was. It absolutely was, to a degree. But yeah, you just have to, I don't know, I think just have a cogent as possible discussion. And also, regardless of the opinions they have,

it's weird that there are people that have the same DNA than you. Yeah. And it's kind of like, if it it's possible and it's not always but like don't deprive yourself of having that in like your life. You know it's like I don't have to agree on everything I guess but it's like it's nice to like oh that's oh it's interesting I do that. It's like it's I don't know family. I think family is important.

Having said all of that if it's it's one thing if they just disagree it's another thing if like you're gay and they're like we we think you're less of a person. Then feel free to fucking cut ties. Who cares? Oh, yeah, like our trans listener was talking about taking hormones while she was at college. And I was just like, yeah, fucking, yeah, that's different. If it's just whether or not some guy believes in a flat tax, you can still have turkey with that dude, I think. Just try to talk to him about it i guess but see i i i i'm i'm a very liberal dude but i'm like hilariously in my immediate family maybe maybe

the most conservative even though i've lined up very much as a democrat because my fucking family is a lot of like green party and like i'm a fascist because i'm not a vegan and like like i got an argument about my mom on whether or not the military should have guns so like they all just carry clubs yeah yeah i don't think she'd be pro that either but like so like and then so yeah there's a lot of fights about shit like that uh but um because i you know i'm very conservative when i say the military should have weapons. But with the media family, I just avoid the conversation.

I just try to talk to them about, yeah, how's the dog? Is it alive? Just try to keep it light and fucking... Yeah, I do try to keep it in the how's the dog kind of like, oh, let's talk about the 70s. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, and just, I mean, usually, I think the trick is like when politics start coming up just being like look we're gonna fight we're family i did let's just talk about something else you know let's fight the people we're not related to about this you know if we need to do that and just try to you know eat this asparagus or where the fuck you guys have out there sam's also the most ripped mean boys fan i've ever seen oh that's sam oh sam that's sam andricus yeah yeah yeah i didn't put it together yeah yeah i gotta hit sam back up on facebook but uh yeah he is jacked to shit yeah it's crazy he is a dork and he is a scientist nice buff as hell that was the best mean boys

after party ever is when we took all the mean boys fans to the club in Milwaukee. Oh, yeah. And it was just everyone just like, hotel, motel, holiday inn. Like, fucking getting, like, just trailer trash drunk and, like, grinding on each other. And then just a bunch of fat guys like, well, if you want to talk about the Doom universe, you have to begin where it begins. No, it was literally me and most of like the me and the other chubbers are over there and i'm i'm just making fun of connor and keith to them because keith's out you know spitting game and connor's out there there's a hilarious photo of connor and there's a girl between them but it looks like sam is grinding on connor oh yeah connor just has he's like got like velociraptor arms.

I need that picture. I want to post that. Yeah. You don't really see the girl, so it just looks like the most awkward grind. Yeah, yeah. Dude, the Mean Boys meetups are the fucking best. All right, we'll do one more quick voicemail, I guess, because that one ended on kind of a bummer. Hey, Mean Boys.

It's Dylan. Just calling from my factory job. You guys give me life. Love you. Bye. I love you too, man. I love you, Dylan. Wait, his name's Dylan, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys give me... You guys... The sincerity. I gotta... What a... You guys give me life. The climax of the Lifetime movie. Sounds like, yeah.

Literally sounded like a Minutemen song. Yeah, man. Sounds like a rough day at the factory, man. I'm glad you're enjoying the show. Yeah, thanks, dude. I'm glad, yeah. I'm glad we're not, we, you're alive. You know what I was realizing?

I was doing some old shit while I was on the road. I don't know why I have this whole bit about how bit about how I think the glorifying manufacturing jobs is stupid. And then I realized, oh, this is my entire audience. If I do this bit, I'm going to lose money. You guys should be the Bruce Springsteen of podcasters and just constantly talk about working in the factory. Oh, we basically are. Is there retards on the edge of that's where they go because there's a lake and they like frogs i will say most of our most of

our factory workers they're very aware oh yeah no they are once again our most of our fans are the one cool guy in the factory and uh yeah i've been having a lot of guilt lately that i realized my job is just like well we live in this like inescapable like you know capitalist nightmare where it's like there's no upward mobility anymore and it's like unless you're very sort of lucky or follow a very kind of like narrow and to a degree evil path there's really no chance of like having like the kind of lives that your parents or grandparents had and my entire job that i've that we've created together is just making that more tolerable for people. And it's just like, so if you give us $5 a month,

we'll provide an extra bottle of tonic to rub on the open sores of your life. You're choosing this bottle? Damn, Connor, are you saying you're tools of the state? I mean, I just feel like I'm like, okay, so I'm just a distraction. I'm just the vending machine on the Titanic. Yeah. You know?

The Titanic vending machine. We are the two minutes hate. Yeah, yeah. Do you want another bag of Sunships to enjoy on your drive to the fucking Uber pickup at the airport before you switch it over to Top 40 and then go back to Mean Boys while you're waiting for your next ride. I don't know, man. Sometimes I feel bad.

So I love you guys. I hope you're good out there in the factories. No, I love you guys, too. I also love you guys. I just love you guys. No, I was terrified to meet you all. I can't exaggerate that enough. And then as soon as I started meeting you guys, I was like, oh, these

are people I wouldn't hate hanging out with. And I hate hanging out with so many people. I know, yeah. I was genuinely... You guys are all cool. Hey, as Jay Electronica said, I got a lot of family. You got a lot of fans. Yeah. Do you guys get cake and knives when

they come to see you? Guys, we fucked? I don't even know anything about guys we fucked. It just seemed like a good reference. Yeah, do you guys get dessert and knives when they come to see you? Guys, we fucked. I don't even know anything about guys we fucked. It just seemed like a good reference. Yeah, do you guys get dessert and weapons? Yeah. I mean, that's the currency we deal in. All right, that was the show for this week. Isaac, thank you for coming on, buddy.

Long overdue. Hey, man, thanks for having me. Sorry for pontificating so much in the back half of the show. Oh, dude, I pontificated a lot. I hope that your fans like history. Yeah, go check out his work on Wikipedia. And where do they follow you online? Please follow me on Twitter and Instagram and all the other social sites at IBHersh.

IB as in boy. Women be Hershen. Women be Hershen. I be Hershen. Everyone be Hershen. What's your middle name? Blevins. Fuck.

Your middle name's Blevins? Yeah, it's Welsh. My name's Milhouse Blevins Cornwell. No, no, it's actually fucking cool, dude. Pimple in Danish? What is Blevins? No, it's Welsh for wolf cub. And anytime someone in a Welsh village would...

Blevins! Blevins, you're late again! Anytime someone in a Welsh village would steal something, they'd get their last name changed to Blevins. It was like branding them a thief. Oh, okay. So one of my ancestors stole some shit. Yeah, I'm real with you.

It still sounds dumb as hell. It does. I understand. But if you go to the American South, like in North Carolina, half the town is named Blevins just because like some people- Because they're all fucking criminals? Yeah, they're all fucking descendants of criminals. Oh, that's awesome.

You got any dates coming up? When does this come out? It's coming out this Tuesday, buddy. All right. Tonight, this Tuesday, buddy. All right. Tonight, this Tuesday, you can see me in Ventura at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. I'm in the semis of the fucking competition there. Oh, yeah. I want you to win because you're talking to the 2016 Ventura's Funniest Person right now.

I'd love to follow in your footsteps. Me and Ahmed Barucha and a couple other people. Kellan Erskine, yeah. Wednesday, August 29th, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club. September 12th, I'll be at Second City in L.A. at 830, I think. I don't know. And then I'm trying to start a show on a tennis court on October 4th in L.A. Oh, nice.

It'll be called Match Point. Come to that. We'll have a good lineup. I think we're trying to get Todd Glass for that, some other stuff. Oh, tight, dude. Yeah, book Isaac. Isaac's fucking great at comedy, dude. Yeah, please. Give him money. He's a good act. We'll do well. Tom, tight, dude. Yeah, book Isaac. Isaac's fucking great at comedy, dude. Yeah, please.

Give him money. He's a good act. We'll do well. Tom, what do you got? Yes, September 10th, I'm at the Burl House Brewery in Visalia.

I'm closing that out. I'm doing September 1st. I'm going to be doing a long set of the Santa Ana Art Walk. It's in a building. More details on that. It's in a building. Great. Walk around Santa Ana until you hear stumbling over words.

It'll be fun. It's going to be a big event. You know the Mean Boys fans hate art and walking. September 18th. They like content and sedentary lifestyles. I'm featuring at the Stillwater in Dana Point and then the

26th, 28th, and 29th I'm at the Madhouse Comedy Club. Oh, and October 28th and 29th i'm at the madhouse comedy club all right guys oh and october october 5th and 6th miama oklahoma me and keith will be at the looney saloon yeah i know there's a guy who's gonna come see us there last time we were there but he uh had to and i'm quoting do mushrooms in an abandoned grain silo so maybe if he's out there maybe you guys can meet moon again the homeless guy who had to break into his own van uh and then gave us advice about fucking with condoms in the parking lot yeah this was after this was uh right before we jacuzzi with a 400 pound gangbanger uh who had like a cholo skinhead tattoos that was fucking awesome he's a really nice guy uh this weekend

august 31st and september 1st uh see me at pachanga comedy club in temecula california uh i don't know uh how that's gonna be but if you're in the area that's probably the time to come see me in temecula if you're down there i'll come hey let me know you're coming we'll hang out we'll go fucking hit the slots or some party uh the week after that i'm at laughs comedy club in tucson arizona that's a very fun comedy club i love the old comedy clubs that have survived like the comedy boom and then they're still there, and it's just still fucking... It still says dolphin safe comedy in the window, which is a 30-year-old joke, and that place is just awesome.

I love going there. 9-11, baby. Headlining with stats in San Diego. That's a fucking fun-ass show. If you're in San Diego, it's free. Come out and see that shit. It's always packed to shit. I'm doing a nice long set.

I got some new pussy jokes and stuff that you guys, I think, would enjoy. If you're a Mean Boys fan in San Diego, It's always packed to shit. I'm doing a nice long set. I got some new pussy jokes and stuff that you guys, I think, would enjoy. So if you're a Mean Boys fan in San Diego, that's the place to be. September 15th, Westside Comedy Theater in L.A. The only reason I'll go to Santa Monica ever. And then further on the horizon, I'm headlining the Chatterbox in West Covina

September 30th. That's another great show in the L.A. area if you want to come see me do a long set up in L.A. And then the Ontario Improv, if you're in the I.E., my hometown, the 909, the 951. Some of you might be in Victorville. Make the L.A. area if you want to come see me do a long set up in L.A. And then the Ontario Improv if you're in the I.E., my hometown, the 909, the 951. Some of you might be in Victorville. Make the trip. You can see me at Ontario Improv September 26th.

That'll be fun. All right. That was the show, everyone. Thanks. Fuck everything. God is good. See you next time.