Mean Boys - EP 150 - Wise Janitor (feat. Jeff Ross)

Episode Date: August 30, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Tickets for St. Louis, MO are live here: https://bit.ly/2on6tYx Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Listen to Jeff's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thick-skin-with-jeff-ross/id1309231011?mt=2 Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Jeff Ross on Twitter: http://twitter.com/realjeffreyross Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4, everybody. Mean Boys Podcast number 150. And what a journey it's been. If you normally skip the intros, fucking don't.

Wow, guys. I can't believe we've been doing this show for 150 episodes. And I can't believe we just had a guy in here that I've been watching since I was a little kid in a room that I pay for because people like hearing me call you guys gay. It's truly a blessing. And I'm very, very grateful. I'm the roastmaster general, Jeff Ross, on the show today. And, like, we were just talking about this off mic. It is super weird that, that like a dude who pretty much

is the reason we do, I do specifically, the thing we do. Yeah, yeah. Like is now, we've gone full circle and he was in the house. It's very strange.

This is a fun ass hang. Yeah, it was a fun hang. Yeah, we did a little bit of an unconventional show today because we didn't want to make Jeff jump through all the hoops we usually do. So yeah, we tell some stories.

We talk about some shit. We haven't roast some of the fans. We listen to your voicemails and your questions, and we just have a nice chat with Jeff Ross. Did we finish the sandwich circle? Oh, yeah. We did, yeah. That'll be explained very early on, but the sandwich prophecy has been fulfilled.

We've addressed that, so don't even. I know you guys, that's probably what you're thinking. We got a thousand tweets about it, yeah. Yeah, genuinely, it's really fucking cool. And the only way we were able to have any degree of legitimacy to get him to come do this was because of you guys. Yes. Because of how much you guys have backed this fucking show and made it seem like a thing. Yeah.

You know, really sincere boys. Thank you very much. Yeah, we always say thank you for giving a shit. You have given my life some small meaning and I thank you for it. And if you check out Just Podcast Thick Skin and enjoy it,

tell them where you found, where you heard about a show. Tell them the mean boys. Yeah, please get up in the iTunes. I just did an episode with Rob and it was fun. Yeah.

Go check that out. Speaking of the ways that we love you, another reason we love you guys is because you give us the opportunity to fucking go places and do this weird ass show. Yeah. We figure out where you are and we come see you because we love to meet you guys. We love to perform for people that know us and not just whoever got free tickets to the

casino on the reservation that night. And we are going back on the road. First week in November, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. We have our first official locked dates for this fucking thing. Yeah. Thursday, November 1st, Houston, Texas, at the Secret Group. Blah, blah, making our triumphant return.

Where we did a sold-out 12-person show the last time we were there. We were hoping for a hot 14 people. Yeah, let's top 12, guys. TSOL, a very loud band, is playing in the same building that night, so let's have that fight. Yeah. Dude, TSOL, everyone who would have come to our show already has tickets to that. Oh, I'm going to go up first so I can go watch TSOL while you nerds do show. Yeah, absolutely.

But yeah, so that's November 1st. November 2nd, we're at the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas. Yeah, that's right. Love that club. I was just out there. I was hanging out with the Mean Boys fans. I stayed with them over the weekend. They were awesome.

And everyone I met that came to those shows was great. So yeah, come back. We're doing a live pod for you guys. And then we haven't totally locked dates yet, but Saturday, November 3rd, we're going to be in Dallas, Texas. Sunday, November 4th, we're going to be in Kansas City, Missouri, or Kansas. I don't know which side of the fucking border. Yeah, yeah.

One of those. Kansas City somewhere. Monday, November 5th, we are going to be in St. Louis, Missouri at the Improv Shop. Ticket links will be up for that one. Should be by the time this goes out. Should be, yeah. And then a couple days loose. And then November 9th, we're going to be in Atlanta.

Or no, November 9th, we're going to be in Nashville, Tennessee. November 10th, Atlanta. And November 11th, Orlando, Florida. Bang. Bang, Tennessee, November 10th, Atlanta, and November 11th, Orlando, Florida. Bang. Bang, bang, bang. This is happening, you guys. That's where we're coming. All right.

So, yeah, if you're in those areas, start making some plans. Save the dates. And if your city is not listed there, jump on our damn email list and let us know where you guys are. The closest major city you're willing to come out and see a show. How many friends you got? Whether or not we can crash in your catch, we'll start setting up a Mean Boys show in your neck of the woods. Hell goddamn yes. Can we talk a little bit about a certain character this episode?

Keith Carey's mother. And if you want to hear her on this program, perhaps the only way we could top this episode, help us out and leave us a review on iTunes. We don't have a lot of fans, but you guys are very into it, and you make us look legitimate. And we appreciate it. iTunes. We don't have a lot of fans, but you guys are very into it, and you make us look legitimate, and we appreciate it. So when we get to 400, we're doing a show with Keith's mom at Denny's in Fresno. We're 56 away

as of this recording. Cone Zone Saudi Arabia writes, Fat Tom Man has good ideas. I like his thoughts on cones, 5 Star. Hey! Thank you, Saudi. The people are out there. If you guys want to fucking talk to some more Mean Boys heads,

join our Discord server. The link for that is in the show notes, moderated by our good friend Alexis. You play video games, talk about porn, and whatever the fuck else you do. It's like a chat room. It's fun. Yeah, go get weird with us. Yeah, and check out the subreddit, rmeanboys. Give us a sub over there and see what's the episodes. Weird shout-out to the subreddit, butmeanboys. Give us a sub over there and see what's the episode.

Weird shout out to the subreddit, but I don't want to forget. Short Buzz Murphy pointed out that me and him were on the same Quentin Tarantino message board. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was also on Tarantino.info. What was your name?

Because I swear to God, we may have already been friends. Dude, that's fucking wild. And also, yeah, there's a discussion about which Pokemon has the biggest dick going on. It's very heated. Yeah, it always goes back to Pokemon sex.

Yeah, share your thoughts over there. Jump on Patreon. Five bucks a month. Weekly bonus content. Ten bucks a month. Monthly goodies. This month, horny summer commemorative condoms. Remember the horniest summer of our lives with an official Mean Boys horny summer condom for only $10.

I just sent out all the $25 Patreon boxes. 19 of them. I got shirts in there. Some of you guys, I threw in some special shit. I threw in a few Tom Goss keychains I found, which are out of print. I threw in a couple of my shirts. I spray painted some of my old, like,

on the bias shirts from PacSun from 2012. Oh, nice. I threw in my Juggalo shirts for somebody. I don't remember who. Oh, you gave someone the Juggalo shirt? I did give him the Juggalo shirt, yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. Hey, hey, hey. Special guest appearance, Opie.

Jeff Ross just left in his Jaguar convertible. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah, yeah. We're just cutting an intro. So yeah, the jump on Patreon. Watch I Love You America coming out soon featuring writing by Mr. Opie Yeah man

We got a great sketch That has a horse in it Yeah Fuck yeah You gonna like it You gonna know It was written by me Oh you got

You got production To pay for a horse Well That's how you know He's a good writer guys Oh shit man Yeah yeah Other than that What else do we got to do follow us on uh

instagram twitter subscribe to our youtube channel and uh yeah tell a friend about the show if you haven't already told your one to three friends about the show yeah we love you guys episode 150 this is crazy uh and i think please enjoy this uh sit down with jeff motherfucking ross yeah thanks for everything gang Thank you Bye Alright hey everybody Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast There's a jaguar parked in our driveway right now. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Jeff Ross. You're Jeff Ross.

I was going to say the joke I've been pitching about you forever is you look like Dr. Evil if you try to join Run DMC because of the fedoras and the chains. I don't get it. Oh, really? All right, well, off to a banging start. Yeah. At long last. There's no feeling, Quentin, like somebody you've been watching for a decade driving traffic to your shitty house to tell you you're bad at comics. And decorating and air conditioning. Yeah, we're bad at a lot of stuff. We've shown a lot of like mildly reputable

comics this house and i don't think anybody's have the level of disdain that you had immediately we were just like oh fuck this all the way that's not true at all yeah yeah i felt bad asking because i just you know i wish uh i wish we had like a nice uh nice place but uh we thought you know if you're down it'd be kind of funny well Give us your reaction to the house a little bit. Is this about where you thought we'd live? It's worse. I didn't realize there'd be so many people living here. Six people live here?

Yeah. It's like a multi-generational immigrant family level of people. And as soon as I pulled in, the neighbors started like heckling me. From the balconies. The little kids across the street who like to throw grapefruits at us. Reminds me of Michael Corleone trying to get out of Cuba on New Year's Eve. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was just, as soon as I walked out and saw Jeff's car, I'm like, yeah, we're getting robbed.

I stepped outside to check the mail because Jeff was running a little bit behind, understandably. And I was like, oh, shit, well, that Jaguar, that's either Jeff or someone who's about to get murdered that lives in this grind-filled neighborhood. It's a rental. It'll be fine. Okay. No, thanks for having me. This is a real honor, you guys. I've been listening to this podcast since I was a young boy.

Back in 1872. The last time this place had fresh paint. You know, when I was listening to my Albert Brooks records and my Mean Boys podcast tapes. No, this is great. This house is legendary. I think Bob Hope used to bring his chicks to give abortions. That explains the smell

in the basement. It's haunted. You can still hear golf clubs if you take a pee in the middle of the night. I moved out of the basement for two reasons. One, I couldn't breathe

down there. And two, I think it was haunted. That was, that's a, it's a true. Haunted is like not even at the top of the list. Shit, what's wrong with this? Haunted would That's truer. Haunted is not even at the top of the list of shit that's wrong with this place. Haunted would make an interest.

I kid you not, Jeff. Last night I did this. Someone stole our trash can, right? We had two trash cans. We've got a lot of people living here. So the landlord got us another trash can. Someone stole it. And we went to call them and say, can we send us another trash can?

And then we remembered we don't play for electricity or water here. And it's with water and power that does the waste management. So I had to go to Home Depot, buy a trash can, and spray paint it so it looked like a city trash can. I counterfeited a trash can at 2 a.m. last night. I've done that before, even in nice neighborhoods they do that. Oh, okay. We're fitting in.

We're moving up in the world. It's just about being a home renter. Yeah. You've got to work the system. Exactly, yeah. You make people feel good about themselves, even when you're... Even when I'm totally disgusted. Man, so we got to talk about...

This really feels like an interrogation. Yeah, I mean... The bolts on the doors that are behind a bed that's going nowhere. Yeah, it was really like a thing of like, which thing will be more unpleasant, putting you in this terrible prison camp room or watching you sweat to death in the living room? Yeah, it's...

Neither is great. It's hot out there. I love the view, though. The view's great. We have a great view of our wall made of shittier walls. Yeah, it looks like a war-torn favela somewhere in Brazil. You will 100% see the resident possum walk by there at some point. Yeah, yeah.

That would be cool. Yeah. Yeah, one time I woke up and there was just a dude walking past there and I didn't realize the landlord came to like do like get some leaves out

because it's a fire hazard and I was just I woke up and I was like God! This scary dude with a rake and I was like oh, okay, you're cool. You can save up for a curtain.

The only reason I have that curtain is because my girlfriend was like, I'm not having sex with you in a room that doesn't have curtains. Of course. And then she broke up with me. I have no idea why. You wiped your dick on the one curtain. The back patio is where I go to smoke. It's just a weird thing. He had just empty cardboard boxes in the window.

So I'd be smoking just seeing the faint outline of you fucking poorly like on the edges yeah so that uh the roast battle wasn't the first time we saw each other naked you know it's a real yeah we've been looking at each other's dicks for a while it's a real artist commune in here so this is this is one of my favorite things tom's ever done and it involves you jeff and you guys neither of you guys remember this is a story we had told back to us by more sober people. Yeah. Yeah, so you tell. Rose Petal 2, I got profoundly drunk, problematically drunk. I've quit drinking since, but I was pretty blitzed. And I don't remember walking over there, but I was then drinking at the comedy store,

and my friend Olivia was trying to get me to go home, and I was plastered. And I don't remember this, but you came over and said, hey, buddy, you doing all right? You were like, you checked in on me, which is a very nice thing you didn't have to do. It was very nice of you. And I go, yeah, I'm fine. And you go, yeah, why don't you come with us, man? Let me buy you a sandwich. Really?

Yeah, which just shows how nice you are. I go, ah, you're apparently what I said is you're Roastmaster Jeffrey General Roaster Master Ross. You don't buy me a sandwich. I buy you a sandwich. And I don't have any money. And then you just left him.

Yeah, you were just like, alright, this guy's And you're like, this is a little out of my pay grade. Yeah. It's one of our favorite stories of Tom getting drunk and being an asshole. Made so much funnier by the fact that Jeff pulled up... I don't think I understand it yet. Where were we exactly? We were at the roast battle after party.

Where was that? At the hotel. The Mondrian. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And basically, you and Olivia were having a conversation, and then Tom drunked at you. Olivia Grace had just roast battled.

Right. So we were talking. Yeah. We were friends with Olivia. Yeah, yeah. She was my ride home and so you Yeah, you were gonna say, hey, let's go to Cantor's. We'll get you a sandwich. She was like, you're Jeff Ross. You don't buy me a sandwich. I buy you a sandwich and I don't have

any money. And you were just like, okay. I did my social duty to this drunk idiot and now I'm off. And amazingly, you wouldn't have known it ever, but you came up and you got us sandwiches from Jimmy Kibble's new barbecue place. That's why we laughed when you said, oh, I brought you sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It came full circle beautifully.

The good news is, Tom, you look like you haven't missed a sandwich. I sure haven't. Yeah, no one's ever looked at him and been like, needs more meat. Yes. Yeah. Oh, man. I always say this. I think you're the best at being, of all the famous people I've ever met, I think you're

the best at being famous because you got a nice house, but you just say, hey, come over. I'm having a barbecue. I'm having a pool party. And you just enjoy it when people recognize you and stuff. You get a kick out of it and you talk to them and stuff. So I always admired and enjoyed that about you. Don't tell Tom about the barbecues. Every time we go somewhere that we don't invite you, it's just we're going to Jeff's house.

No, that's nice to hear. You know, I mean, I'm grateful. You know, I work hard and didn't come from a show business background, so I always say you've got to enjoy the process. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look where it got you. Got you into the Mean Boys. It's got you right here, dude.

It got you to a place that basically crackheads got gentrified out of. Yeah. I think this house is good for you guys. It'll keep you mean. Yeah. Well, definitely. It's done it so far. Nothing kills a roast like comfort. Yeah. You've got to keep that edge. It's impossible to wake up Yeah. Well, definitely. It's done it so far. Nothing kills a roast like comfort.

Yeah. You've got to keep that edge. It's impossible to wake up in a good mood here. Yeah. No, you come home and you think, like, you know, things are going all right. And then you remember, like, oh, none of our toilet seats are actually attached to the toilet. We just balanced them on top of them. That's fine compared to the electrical fire that's about to break out.

Electricity. You're like, we have to do the podcast in a bedroom because we're having problems in the living room. There's a recumbent bike in the basement, and we just have him pedal for a few hours so we can keep the lights going. By the way, I just want to cut in here to all the listeners, the regular listeners who love knowing that there's a whiteboard,

and the only thing written on it is studio needs. There's like seven items including power strip, table. The only thing that's not written under studio needs is studio. That list has been up there for about a year and that's how much we got crossed off. And the headphones we bought don't work. Yeah, they actually don't really.

I got the chairs... I got one of those things. And the headphones we bought don't work. Yeah, they actually don't, really. Yeah. I got the chairs, you know? So we got... I never noticed rugs was up there. Yeah, I do think a nice rug... Well, yeah, we used to record up there. There's not a planet on this fucking universe where we're ever going to buy a rug for that studio. Yeah.

I mean, that's an important thing to have in a studio. The rug? The sound bounces off and... Oh. It sounds a lot better with a rug. You see, you know that if you... A rug you can get for 10 bucks. If you were a professional broadcaster like me or Jeff,

you might have an idea, Keith. It was the worst place you ever stayed when you were coming up doing comedy. Did you ever get close to this level? This was fancy because I shared beds. Me and Todd Barry slept in the same bed once.

Poor Todd. He doesn't seem like he's a very cuddly guy. Me and Sarah Silverman in the same bed once. Oh, poor Todd. Yeah. He doesn't seem like he's a very cuddly guy. Me and Sarah Silverman slept on the beach once. Because the place we were staying in was so crowded and gross. Oh, Jesus. I've slept in my car many times. I mean, sharing a bed with Sarah, you're going to get crabs one way or the other. Fucking boo.

Big fan. Yeah, so you slept on the beach. Split beds with Todd Berry. Tom lives in that kitchen. You see that bed? Yeah, I slept on a bus and a train once. We couldn't afford the hotel in Canada, so we just found our way to Buffalo

and took the train back the same day, 12 hours each way. David Tell kind of looks like he still lives on a bus, just like a lifestyle choice. Most of my jokes about him, we have a Netflix special coming out in November, and most of my jokes

about Dave are about him looking homeless. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Which would cost like $40 for him to fix, and he just does not want to. He just bought a new fancy apartment, too, but yet he still looks homeless. Yeah, looks like everyone who would get kicked out of an apartment. He dresses like a wise janitor. I like that.

Yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see that, man. You guys are two of my favorites. You did that in New York, and you taped a bunch of shows. Three nights. We taped three nights at the village underground that's awesome and uh yeah i don't know how much i should say yeah but it's okay it's gonna be it's gonna be i mean forget me it's the best thing i've ever seen a talent oh yeah that's how good i think it is and he gives me shit for yelping myself all the time.

I'm like, when you see the show, it's really good. But I really think it's good. And Dave is my favorite comedian. And the whole show, I'm basically trying to keep up with him, chasing him. Oh, yeah. So it's got to be good. You know? He's the best.

And when you, like, when you have a guy, there's not a lot of guys where, you know, anyone, most people watch a comedian, they go, how does he think of this shit? But for most people watch a comedian and they go, how does he think of this shit? But for other comedians to watch you and go, how does he think of this shit? Every time I watch David tell him, like, how do you get there? That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. He talks and thinks in punchlines.

It's hard for him to turn that away from his brain. He really is amazing. Right. I saw him do this, this crowd work line one time. He goes, I love this guy. I'll buy you a drink. What are you having? The guy goes, I don't know, a beer.

And he goes, a beer? What is it, Mitt Romney's half birthday? I'm just like, that's the best shit I've ever heard in my life. It's like, what a weird thing to attack, like a beer, the thing we all drink. Yeah, and it's like he doesn't remember that. He thought of something better two nights later, but he just threw just threw that out there it's fucking brilliant he just doesn't you know i wanted him to feel on stage like he was in a in a in a diner so we set up instead of doing a big special that's why you were there to make it give it the diner we did eat quite a

lot on stage at different points in the in the weekend i ordered food to the stage and so on. He brought cake and I brought mozzarella sticks. How did you build my perfect career? Here's a bunch of money. Eat a cake on national television. Yeah. And that was the whole thing is making it feel as loose. We were on stage as loose as a podcast.

When you do six shows, you stop thinking about lights and blocking and cameras and you're just like all right i'm on my third show i'm like gonna do whatever comes to my mind yeah we know we got it so we wind up having so much material that we're just gonna call the episodes friday saturday and. Oh, that's awesome. And we have all these amazing guests and a top, top director who directs documentaries. I don't know if you saw The Jinx or Capturing the Freedmen's, but Andrew Jarecki put it together. No, last time I talked to you, you were going out to the compound to go see the footage out in the middle of the night. Some big country that's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we edited it on a farm,

on Jarecki's farm, like we were making a Fleetwood Mac album or something. And it's just like the funnest process. And I really think, I think I'm proud of it, but I think the hardest thing in the world is to get Dave to like it. And I think Dave is starting to like it. Oh, wow. that's awesome yeah because that that like is a man so funny he's

got to hate himself yeah well no comment yeah and that's your uh you're doing sneaky pete now last time i talked you were also thinking about the sneaky pete thing i saw a couple of the stills how are you liking shooting that i know you can't give anything away, but. Yeah, the characters are complicated. It's a show on Amazon about con men. And I didn't, I wasn't that familiar with it. But before I, I had my sister, she's like, oh, I'm halfway through the pilot. It's great. You got to do it.

Then she called me back like, you know, that night and said, you know, I'm on episode eight. You have to do it. Then the next day she was like, I'm halfway through season two like and i'm like i'm doing it i'm doing it yeah stop calling yeah well no she was helpful because i had to miss some of my vacation wow wow wow but like i planned i planned this like trip with my nephews and my cousins and stuff and i met so what whatever like it was it was like going to summer camp. You drop into a drama show, and these people already were up and running together 15 hours a day. So now you're like the new guy, the foreign exchange student from the comedy country. They're all intense actors.

Giovanni Ribisi and Brian Cranston's one of the creators of the show. So here I am, dumped in, really trying to, and you guys will appreciate this, like, turn it off so that I'm not a distraction. Right, yeah, because you don't want to be like, oh, here's fucking Johnny Chuckles over here. Yeah, they're like, I don't know if you noticed, Flavor Flav is not on set,

so if you could chill out and give us the lines. It's not the Comedy Central roast of Sneaky Pete. Fucking chill out, Jeff. Eat a sandwich. But you know, when you're on long hours like that, I'm not trying to be funny, but sometimes you just start talking. On the last, yesterday,

two days ago, we had a long scene. It was basically me and three other actors in a chair wearing the same clothes from 7 in the morning to 10 at night. And, you know, and finally, you know, it's just too much energy to, like, move out of the seat while they relight. So you just don't move anymore. And the stand-ins have nothing to do, but you just can't move. And it's just like this.

You just start talking. So instead of trying to make jokes, people would just ask me about comedians. And Rodney Dangerfield came up. And I just started, hey, I'll tell you. Basically, being Rodney Dangerfield during the light moves. Right. You know, hey, I just started talking to the – it was fun. That's awesome.

Hey, my wife and I were – hey, I'll tell you. My wife and I – hold on. It takes me a second to get into it. Hey, I'll tell you, my wife and I... Hold on, it takes me a second to get into it. Hey, I'll tell you. It's a very difficult impression. It's not a common one. Hey, I'll tell you, my wife and I, we were happy for 20 years.

Then we met. Like Rodney, yeah. I heard a Rodney story. He was in a casino in Vegas, and this couple goes, we just got married. What do you think, Rodney? And he in a casino in Vegas and this couple goes we just got married what do you think Rodney and he goes you could both do better now I know why lions eat their young

I remember I talked to you and you were kind of thinking about whether you were going to take the role or not my pitch was like every year at the roast you get fat jokes you know old jokes or whatever I'm like now you can get sneaky peak jokes you know it's a little bit of variety you know i like you mix i love your optimism that you think sneaky pete is going to override how fat yeah right yeah it'll never be god jeff of sneaky pete notoriety well you're locked in buddy it's funny when you like you write it on the like roast because i got to do that a little bit you know and uh it was it was like you when you're

just thinking about it in the abstract, like, what is there to talk about about Jeff? He's got a black belt, he's a little chubby, he's Jewish,

he's a comedian. Jesus Christ. And then, you're looking at the joke and I was like, some of that I knew, some of that I didn't. You didn't know

you had a black belt? You smoked your... Jeff hasn't seen his belt in a while. If it doesn't fit around my waist, am I technically still a black belt? You got a black sash. You know, Taekwondo.

I did. I'm a big tire. A black bracelet. I will say, to my credit, I do, like, the karate, when you learn it, it stays in your bones. Because when I was really feeling, like, powerful and juiced on the roast battle, when I roasted roast battle Blake Griffin, I did throw a flying front snap kick, which I hadn't done in decades. I was wildly impressed at how you didn't fall over.

Yeah, or throw my back out or accidentally hurt somebody. You were whipping the nunchucks around when Alex came out. And I was like, holy... I was up in the balcony. I wanted to just watch the show and enjoy it. And I was just like, is that a Jeff Ross body double that they got to do nunchucks?

And I was like, that's fucking Jeff. I'm just picturing you on the set of Sneaky Pete being like, I can do karate if that would help this scene. And they're like... Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. You just try to get them to write it in.

All the reviews are like, yeah, it was a pretty good show. Then it turned into Jeff Ross, the ninja. Yeah. Fucking weird. It's like when you got an actor that can play guitar. And he's like, what about a scene where I seduce her with an acoustic number by Oasis? Jeff's like, all right, now here's what I'm saying. He's a con man.

But I mean, you had to protect it. You couldn't afford muscle the entire time. You had to do karate in the early days. And no one expects me to be the karate guy. It's the perfect cover. Yeah. I think it's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you had to protect it. You couldn't afford muscle the entire time. You had to do karate in the early days. And no one expects me to be the karate guy. It's the perfect cover. Yeah. I think it's pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah, I like it. Except on this show, the only thing I will say is they're the con men. Okay. Okay. I'm not necessarily a con man. Gotcha. I'm not going to give any plot twists away. That would be so great.

Not my place. That would be so great if on this podcast you ruined, you gave it all away and like torpedoed your publicist. I may or may not. Who the fuck are the mean boys? You didn't run this by me.

Hold on, they're already texting me. We're listening. We rep by NSA. Yeah, no, I don't confirm or deny any of this. Okay, yeah.

We're not here to grill you hard on sneaky peat dates. And then the other part about it, I'll say this. You can't prove I'm just not doing a great Jeff Ross impression. You can't do that. Yeah, sure. The other part of it is it's such a complicated show, and so the shoots are very detailed and specific because it's con men. There's experts who just know stuff about wine, for instance, watching to see how you know there's experts you know who just know stuff

about wine for instance watching to see how you pour it what you're doing okay and there's all this stuff and they shoot it out of order they shoot two episodes at once with two different directors so i'm not even completely sure what's happening you're like either i'm the president or i die at the end yeah yeah they really keep the actors sort of guessing about what's going on a little bit. Yeah, like you just need to know what you need to know. Yeah, it is like that. The guy in the chicken costume, that's none of your business. Maybe he's shooting a commercial on this lot.

Maybe he's on Hulu. Yeah. But yeah, it's been a lot of fun. Yeah. Changing it up a little bit. The Blake Griffin battle. How's the response been? That was just pure...

Because watching that now happen live... So much fun to watch. It was just pure entertainment. Yeah. Like the LeBron suit. The line of the night for me was when Nikki Glaser said, you look like JFK Jr. at his dad's funeral. I was like, that fucking killed me.

You got to give him something to go after, you know? And I wanted to make it a spectacle. Yeah. Yeah. Because it wasn't like you were roast batting Blake Griffin. It's a big spectacle. It's fun. It's not like we did it naked.

It's a stunt. But enjoy that it's kind of a stunt. Yeah, it's fun. Why not? Yeah. Somehow I found the weirdest fashion choice of the whole thing to be that Blake Griffin tucked in his t-shirt. Yeah. That was a weird old guy maneuver. Yeah. Yeah Somehow I found the weirdest fashion choice Of the whole thing to be That Blake Griffin tucked in his t-shirt Yeah

That seemed like a weird old guy maneuver Yeah Blake Griffin looked He looked really cool But he had like His pants were kind of like Up to here a little bit He had this kind of like weird I'm gonna be honest

He kind of looked like a fucking dork It was like I wouldn't say that to him Because holy shit Yeah but I kind of missed that I missed that I should have gone for that a little bit

Yeah but it's like This like seven foot tall man Is dressed like he's like in an indie pop video. And it was just bizarre. This man could rip phone books in half, but he's just like, oh, yeah, no, I just got back from H&M. I'm ready for the roast battle. Spent 30 bucks at Target on an outfit for TV. There is something to the fact that his pants were like, he's so tall.

Those are normal-sized pants. Yeah, you got to sew another guy's pants on the bottom of that. Yeah, they asked me to go talk to him about something. And I think they just asked me because comedy writers is a field dominated by shorter Jewish men. I think they're like, we need someone who can match his energy to some degree. Look him in the eyes and tell him what's good. Yeah, yeah. He worked hard on it.

He was great. Yeah, he was hilarious and i want people who excuse me who come at i want people who come out of who aren't in comedy who come at it from wherever to look good on roast battle oh yeah you want people to do it you know you know yeah you don't want to like on the roast like you know so you have like a situation sometimes you know like with the situate like or whatever and it's whatever, but you want people to have fun. You want it to be a thing. It's a big fucking event.

Although, to be fair, the situation is a pretty epically gnarly set, and it's one of the most remembered roast sets ever because of how brutal it was. I mean, I had the same thing when I wrote a roast for the Tempe Diablos, a charity organization based in Arizona, and a guy got drunk

and didn't do any of the jokes I wrote for him. So I just did the jokes I wrote for him after he went on. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, well, I fucking wrote these guys. And I gave him some good lines. Oh, so you were already on the show. Yeah, I was like the roast master for this.

See, that's the way to do it. A bunch of old guys. Normally those jokes would get lost forever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always a shame. No, the Blake Griffin thing was fun. How did you get that gig? jokes would get lost forever oh yeah yeah that's always a shame yeah no the yeah the blake griffin thing was how did you get that gig that gig uh my buddy's like a clean christian comic and he's like yeah they asked me to do this because he gets it up for that corporate stuff a lot but he's like

i physically can't and i was like but you know who the guy should be you know who will definitely do it for whatever it was a charity or what was it it was a charity yeah they like raise money for like you know like baseball uniforms and shit like that great people me and keith was a charity or what was it? It was a charity, yeah. They like raise money for like, you know, like baseball uniforms and shit like that. Great people. Me and Keith did a charity roast one time

dressed as Santa and an elf. Yeah, they brought us down to this like, this like corporate like office Christmas party or whatever. And they're like,

yeah, just roast everyone. We're like, do you want us to go like a three or a ten? Like in terms of intensity of like the jokes. They're like, go hard. These guys go like a three or a ten? Like in terms of intensity of like the jokes. They're like, go hard. These guys play hard.

They want the hard shit. And we were like, we're the crazy office. All right. Sometimes we wear shorts. We got 30 seconds in and somebody immediately yelled, fuck you. And we had to do 20 minutes. We did 20 minutes. And then the guy who booked us last night was Hall.

And you see the CEO just go, Hall. And then really. Yeah, yeah. Apparently the board genuinely tried to vote him out of his job because he hired us. Yeah. Really? Yeah, we almost costed him a million dollars. Were you trying to be clean or dirty?

Oh, no, we went fucking butt-wild. Yeah, they gave us pictures of everybody, and we did jokes about all of them. It started off as they were dirty jokes, but they weren't crazy. Yeah, go ahead. By the end of it, we were just like doing it out of spite because we were like, we got to fill our time to get paid. Yeah, and they started like fighting us. And I was like, you're trying to like, you know, you get heckled.

You got your lines you do or whatever. You know how to do it or deal with it. And they're like, people are talking shit or whatever. So I'm trying to clap back. And I guess I went too far. You know, my favorite was the lady who started screaming, do a Christmas carol while you guys were trying to roast her. I believe we did then tell her to kill herself.

No, I don't think I said that. It seems like a thing I'd say. I did steal, so me and Keith were just like, oh, okay, we're no longer needed. Well, I guess we're not getting a caricature painted and we'll just have all these crab cakes. And all right, now we're running away. What were you dressed as? An elf.

Santa and an elf with santa and an elf yeah i pitched him it'd be funny if i was santa and he was the elf but they didn't go for it no fucking vision at this office you ever do those uh any of those corporate well that's what it is i feel like if you had done it clean you're what you think is basically pg-13 right to them it would have been dirty yeah and they would have would have been like, ooh, this is naughty. This is fun. Oh, he said butt. And then when you do say lady, kill yourself, the place will go crazy

because you finally got wrong. Right, yeah. And theoretically, that would have been the move. Yeah, I do them all the time. Well, it's good that you got one under your belt so you know what it feels like. I've bombed at many of them.

But I've gotten better at it by trying not to you got to be prepared but not try too hard right like they're gonna come to you if it's funny you know you know you it's more fun to be dirty and be able to say whatever you want but yeah in a corporate environment everybody's like a little way more touchier that makes sense do they do you think and if you make one innuendo about a joke about a guy maybe being gay or a woman maybe being a hooker they'll crack up right if you overtly say it yeah actionable and and and that's where i've gotten in trouble i mean we've got we have a bad habit of starting at a 10 and having nowhere to go and it's like a 10 is pretty funny for about

three minutes and then you're like oh but they're they're still... The move of being at a ten and then trying to go back to one and be like, they come with a bowl of soup and they're like, no, die. It's impossible. Yeah. Why would you book a roast, though, if you're so fucking touchy? People don't know what they want. Yeah, it's a fair point.

It's the difference between saying to a lady on stage, like, you know know look at this whore versus hey baby nice shoes what what room are you in back at the resort and the place will go nuts if i looked at any woman and said hey baby i'm going to jail that's so upsetting you know you know the ladies i flirt with when i'm on stage old ladies i find the oldest, the Red Hat Society. I did a gig at a country music museum in Tulsa. Red Hat Society, this old lady social club. Dirtiest bitches I've ever met in my life.

They were just like, you couldn't handle this ass. What was the situation that they hired you? I don't know how I get any of my gigs, Jeff. They just... Someone messaged me on Facebook. Get the nearest white man and fly him to Oklahoma. Yeah. Yeah, I love hitting

on old ladies from the stage because it's like they've been fucking since the 40s. Yeah, yeah. They get it. They get it. When you do a sex joke

for old people, they get nostalgic. Like, oh, I remember that. I remember when FDR invented the clitoris. Yeah, we thought it'd be fun. We have a pretty weird listener base, as you might guess. So we want to do a little speed roasting of some of our actual fans.

We'll drop the pictures in so everyone can see. But we got this guy right here. Steampunk cosplayer. This guy's a big Big mean boy's head A what? Cosplayer? Steampunk?

You know like that Remember that bad Will Smith movie With the robot spider? He's dressed as a guy Who's gonna die alone That's what cosplay He's doing

Yeah Yeah he's dressed as a guy Who's not allowed Near a public school anymore He looks like an even Gayer Abraham Lincoln Jeff how good Does her house look now?

Is he Gabe-raham Lincoln? Move over so I can see everybody. This guy, wait, what's his name? I forget. I think he might just be like an anonymous...

So we're roasting your listeners whose names you're not even telling them. We're going to throw the pictures on a YouTube video. Yeah, we'll drop the pictures. All right. Well, this guy will not be alive by then. All right. We got this guy, this gentleman. Pink shorts.

He's wearing one of our T-shirts. Very cherubic face. He kind of looks like if I lost all the weight but still looked bad. Yeah, he kind of looks like an early 2000s Nickelodeon 3D character. He'd be in Jimmy Neutron. He looks like he makes artisanal

ice cream. He's like, pistachios and mint getting together? I think so. You're not going to say who these people are? Probably not. Oh, I know him. I'll tell him.

Yeah, yeah, we got this guy. He's got our merch. He's cuddling with his mean boy poster. Is he still married to Woody Allen? It is just an oddly sexual angle he's taking himself, like just laying with the poster. Like that thing has been laminated twice. Yeah, yeah.

I'm assuming it's hanging on a wall. Oh, no, you're right. He's laying down next to the poster. Well, he wouldn't want a thumbtack, and he wants to keep it pristine so he could sell it on eBay. You know what I mean? Very high aftermarket prices for the Mean Boys merch. All right, just a few more.

Got this gal. She's not that good. Let's get into the good ones. Oh, boy. Yeah. The mustache. Yeah. This guy, I do...

This is our buddy Orion. Wait, go back. Why are you skipping? You're skipping somebody? I skipped somebody. I just felt like it was a boring picture. Yeah. This is our buddy Orion out of San Diego, who is a straight-up lunatic.

Yeah. This guy, Cat, called himself out of professional Diego who is a straight up lunatic. Yeah, this guy, Cat called himself out of professional skateboarding. He looks like he plays drums but only on garbage cans. All right. All right, this is one of our favorite listeners. This is Alexis

out in Indiana. Alexis? You sure? Yeah. It is now. Yeah. You're right. Wait, the thing you're thinking?

Yeah, yeah. She's great. The blue lipstick is a little much. Yeah. It looks like she blew a Smurfs dentist. Yeah, it looks like a special needs kid got it a coloring book. Yeah. It's like how the toothpaste comes out of the tube

with a stripe of whitening agent. It looks like she's about to run and jump out of the window behind her. She's like ghoulishly white. Like even for Indiana, she's pretty white. Yeah.

All right, this guy. Oh, boy. Ah, me from the future. Wow. Before he shaved. This looks like... This looks like... This looks like... I don't know, man.

There's a Louis C-Pap K. Yeah. There's definitely a Louis joke in there. What's the other guy? Which guy? Mike Black. Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like they pitched this as a character for Metalocalypse and they're like,

no one's going to believe a man is actually that disgusting. I do love that his hand is genuinely too fat to do the devil horns. Yeah, he has flaccid horns. Yeah. I mean, he's into black artery metal. Looks like he's about to put both his fingers

in a giant's nostrils. Eat whatever comes out. Yeah, he's about to sacrifice a his fingers in a giant's nostrils. And eat whatever comes out. Yeah, he's about to sacrifice a DiGiorno to Satan. That hand is sealed shut with just peanut butter he scooped out himself. All right, this is my dad. This is my dad. That's your dad? That's my dad playing guitar in the early 2000s.

Dude, I straight up kind of want to fuck your dad. Well, I'll tell him you said that. Please do. He'll be very flattered. Yeah, he did a thing with his sideburns for a while. He's in a Kiss tribute band now, so he looks a little more conservative. Looks like a bangable Frank Zappa.

Yeah. He's in a Kiss tribute band now? Yeah. They don't wear makeup. It's just the music. We're going to see him next week if you want to come with, Jeff. Yeah, I feel like they should wear makeup.

Where are they playing? Shamrock in Chino Hills. When? Next Saturday, I think. We're having a little Mean Boys meetup. On a Saturday, man. That's big. They got the Saturday night.

They got the Saturday slot. They're opening for the Led Zeppelin cover band. Yeah, Led Zepp again. Oh, I forgot that's real. I thought I was joking. The Led Zeppelin cover band. Yeah, Led Zepp again. Oh, I forgot that's real. I thought I was joking. The Led Zeppelin band wears Kiss makeup, though. So this is your dad? Yeah, that's my dad.

Rock and roll all night and work at the gift shop at the airport all day. Has your dad had any feedback on the Naked Rose thing? I have not discussed it with him. I'll probably continue doing that. Yeah, my dad didn't seem terribly thrilled either. And one more. We got Keith's mom right here. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. Keith's mom. You've heard the legends about her. That's my mom. Yeah, all the jokes you've heard. That's her. Yeah, she's got some. What's in her hand?

A gun. That'd be a gun, yeah. Pointed at the camera. Like she's posing for an action movie about getting kicked out of a trailer park. Oh, my gosh. Keith, what's going on there? I mean, you know, I didn't happen by accident. My favorite part is that this photo was to let you know that she's having a good day.

Yeah. She literally sent that to me, and she's like, having a good one. Yep. She tagged Keith in the picture for pointing the gun at the camera. Yeah, which is a little upsetting. This is 100% true. I just told this story on the Roast Battle podcast, but I went to visit her. She just moved to Fresno, because of course she did.

And we went to the Cheesecake Factory, and in the middle of lunch, she just informed me very casually that she had an unlicensed gun in her purse. Really? Yeah, right as the waiter was coming over, and the poor guy is just like, more bread? Don't hurt me? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's how she gets extra strawberry topping for free on that cheesecake. Yeah. You know? Why did she tell you and why did she have the weapon? Why did she tell me? I could

not begin to know. Why did she have it? You know, various white trash do battery. Yeah. I mean, she did date a lot of neo-Nazis. She dated one Nazi. Okay. That's a lot, if you ask me. I don't know.

It's definitely too many. I wish it was none. You know, three's a crowd, but one neo-Nazi. She's pointing the gun at the camera and tagged Keith, so it's like she's saying, I should have shot myself in the pussy. Yeah, well. She tried. Did she have a neck tattoo or is that a shot? That's a neck tattoo. Okay. in the pussy. Yeah, well. She tried.

Did she have a neck tattoo or is that a shadow? That's a neck tattoo. Okay. I'm frankly offended you thought it wouldn't be a neck tattoo, Tom. Yeah. I just noticed that

she has the biggest teeth, I think, of any human. I'm amazed she still has any teeth. I didn't know they were putting calcium in meth. I didn't know when that development hit. One of those front ones is fake because

she fell down the hill at the Universal City Walk one time and just knocked a tooth out on a power box. No way. Are you guys close still or what's the story? I mean, you know, we're less close since she posted this picture. Really? Yeah. Shockingly, I don't want to hang out with her.

We get along okay. We see each other like a couple times a year. They're kind of like the Oasis brothers. You never know. Are they fighting? Are they not fighting? We work best at a controlled distance. Do you have brothers and sisters? I do, yeah.

I have two brothers on my mom's side and then two brothers and a sister on my dad's side. Yeah. Who I all see, again, like two or three times a year. They'll text me and be like, ah, you took your dick out on TV. I'm like, sure did. You guys still work at Ikea? Yeah? All right, cool.

All right, can I borrow some money? When you're a big star, you're going to see it. Your family's going to reach out to you, and you're either going to push them away, or you'll decide that you like having them around, and you'll get close with them. I had a shitty gift to the manager, I think, one time with my mom, where we both texted each other and then realized 10 texts in, we were both about to try to borrow money from each other. Oh, wow. other and then realized 10 techs in we were both about to try to borrow money from each other we knew nobody wanted to pull the trigger finally i was just like let's just acknowledge what's about to happen oh that's profound yeah so then they robbed the 7-eleven together it was probably

his favorite birthday he had with his mother i think we're gonna do a live have you had her on the podcast we uh we're actually doing a thing right now. If we get to 400 iTunes reviews, we're going to do a live one in Fresno with my mom. At a Denny's, right? Yeah, at a Denny's in Fresno. You're more than welcome to come. I think we're like 50 reviews away, but people seem pretty stoked on it. Yeah, if you want to take the Jag up to Desna, we could probably get you some of those mozzarella sticks. So you're pimping your mom off for iTunes reviews?

It's honestly one of the less upsetting things she's been pimped for. Wow. I feel like Keith's mom kind of owes him at this point after all the various... Yeah, yeah. That twitch didn't happen by accident. Exactly, yeah. Gotcha. All right, we've got some questions for you from our listeners.

Hey, guys, much love and all, but I've got to ask, where do you guys feel Roast Battle is going or is comedy in general is evolving? So yeah, where do you see the future of Roast Battle? Jeff, I mean,

you've been a part of the show since it started and you've seen it grow. Well, I want to announce that we're doing Fresno. A week from tomorrow

at a Denny's. My mom is gonna be the Brian Moses of Fresno Roast Battle. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's stab. Whoa, whoa, Kelly. You guys know the rules. Give Battle. Yeah, yeah. All right. Let's stab. Whoa, whoa, Kelly.

You guys know the rules. Give me your money. I have a knife. Let's roast. You know, Roast Battle is unwieldy, and it's its own wave sometimes. So it's hard to know where it's going. But it feels like we just did our first season, to me. Yeah.

We've done other tournaments. We've never done a series, like, weekly. Right. And I love this season. Yeah. I think it's the best one. Yeah. I mean, I've been with it for a long time.

And I genuinely, this season is the one where I watched it and I was like, that feels like our show. Yeah. Like the most of anything. The tournament format was fun, but it was a little weird. And this one just feels like, oh, it's fun. Everyone's having a good time. It doesn't feel like daunting or pressure. It's more fun to do. You like doing it, it's fun. Everyone's having a good time. It doesn't feel like... What if there was a...

It's more fun to do. You like doing it better without the tournament. I really do, yeah. Yeah. What about for the fans? They probably miss that. I don't know. I mean, I like tournaments.

You know, I like that we've done them in the belly room, just not for TV and stuff, and those are always, like, exciting in their own way. There's the calculus going on. People have their brackets going, and that's fun. So, I don't know. I mean, it's all over the world. Every little comedy scene I go to, they're like,

you've got to come judge our roast battle. We have our own little roast. It really is a grassroots phenomenon. It's been pretty cool, man. You want to have more Blake Griffin types in there? I liked battling is the issue I'm faced with.

The fans, I think, a lot of the fans, now that it's weekly, what if you did a tournament that slowed down so you don't have to think about it so quickly, like a final if it went week to week tournament, that would be interesting, but it would take, some of the people wouldn't do it anymore. And maybe not all

the battles have to be in the tournament. Like me and Blake could be, stuff like that, a naked roast battle could be an exhibition. You and Blake was like Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. So wait, so you like battling now? I way prefer it to judging. Who's next? I don't know.

Don L. Rawlings sort of has been challenging me. He came by the belly room roast battle last night. I like that. And was very outspoken about that. Because you guys are equally ashy. I mean, one from sunburns, the other, you know. I also heard from some reality stars. Farrah Abraham hit me up.

Oh, man. I remember that way. Once to Roast Battle. Yeah. Teen mom or something. Ooh, yeah. Teen mom and then a weird ass porn. Do we get the oxymoron

in there? We got ourselves a show. Jeff Ross battles his way through news stories of 2007. I feel like I'm not sure either of those battles is going to happen, but I don't know. I do want to battle again. It's too much fun.

I'll fight you, Jeff. It's too much fun. All right, fine. I'll fight you, Jeff. It's too much fun. You know, I have a lot. You know, I always knew how hard it would be, but I didn't realize how much fun it would be. Yeah. This is the first one you've done? Yeah. Or no, you fought The Rock.

Right. In Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That felt pretty serious, but there was no judging. Ah, right. That was just for the delight of ourselves and 40,000 residents of Pearl Harbor. Yeah. That was such a weird thing watching it on TV.

The naval base. And being like, oh, this dumb thing where we call each other gay in the belly room. Now they're doing it for the military with The Rock. It was a weird, just heightened thing. I mean, a guy who we have a cardboard cutout of is doing The Rock. That we had to steal. Yeah, yeah. And it brings people together because I didn't really know that much about The Rock. This was a few years ago. have a cardboard cutout of is doing the thing that we had to steal yeah yeah that used to have

and it brings people together because i didn't really know that much about the rock this was a few years ago and then i met him and roast battled him and and i love him i immediately was like this guy's the great i gotta figure he's exactly what you'd expect he's just a fucking a mensch i guess he's a mensch and uh he's got a great memory. He's thoughtful. He's complimentary. It's all about him, but it's not about him. Oh, okay. I like that. And Ron Dickles asks, who do you think is the next big roast master?

Who do you think is going up on, like, you know, the dais next year? Who do you think is? Oh, wow. Who are they passing the torch to? That's tough. I know. It's between Tom and... And Boone, probably. Tom, put on the dress and earn your keep. I mean, it's not for me to say.

I mean, this is a roasting-themed episode. You know, it's... It's the end of roast season. I feel like it depends. There's so many good roasters out there now that it kind of depends on who you roast. And then somebody will make sense for that. Okay. Because I always hate when you force somebody onto a show they don't belong on.

It's such a valuable commodity. And when you find somebody or somebody who's good enough, you don't want to blow it on the wrong roast either. I mean, yeah. It's got to be someone they have a take on or, you know. Yeah, you find somebody who doesn't give a shit and be like, all right. Which I've seen happen, not too much on the Comedy Central roast, but I've seen that happen on the Friars Club roast. Yeah.

Where it just doesn't seem like the right fit. Well, that even happens at battle sometimes. You'll see guys who, like, I know they're both funny funny but they clearly don't give a shit about each other and there's just no spark to it like yeah that happens quite a bit yeah there's so many people ready to do the big roast now that i get more excited when i see somebody who's ready to do roast battle like i saw spotted a couple people in the last couple days in the belly room and i was like wow and i encourage them to come back. I get more excited about seeing that happen.

Oh, yeah. I mean, Moses, he's still, he's like, yeah, sign up. It's one of these, it's like, you know, a packed show. It's every week. And if you want to do it, you could do it in six weeks. You just send a Facebook message. Yeah, exactly. And like, it still happens.

People go in there and they have a great show. And you go, wow, that's fucking, they're on the, you know're on the radar now it's like it's cool you did that for me i remember like going up i fought drew lynch you and ital were there and i went and said hey thanks man you're like hey thanks keep doing it and i was like wow fuck you know that's pretty cool that is cool yeah so that's uh i i always liked that about the show it's a meritocracy and it's still it's a new like going head to head i mean it's like happened like yo mama happened and snaps happened but it's still kind of inventing itself so it's cool to see people bring new shit into that when jamar did that fucking boys in the hood joke and he brought the cardboard thing out with

the car it's just like yeah you could just do goofy shit like yeah just as long as it works who cares you can be goofy but if it's thoughtful and fits and i was reading on my vacation i read julie sebaugh's Roast Battle book. Oh, yeah. And it made me realize that it really is still kind of the beginning. It's about the launch. It really covers the beginning of Roast Battle. And now that it's going into other

countries and other, like you said, every community you go to, there's a Roast Battle going on in every state now and in every continent, I think. We're going to get those stubborn ass Eskimos on this shit. The Antarctica roast battle is a pretty small fucking scene.

Well yeah, that's where we're going after Fresno. They got flights from FPX on it at the Fresno airport. I love that you think Fresno has an airport. Fresno has one guy who taped a cat to a drone. Land here. Yeah, exactly.

All right. Evan Baumgart asks, of all the people you've roasted, who reacted the worst? Ooh. Took it the worst. Huh. I can answer for myself.

Connor. Not in the last two, but the first time we fought, you were such a bitch afterwards. Who took it the worst? I definitely was, yeah. You stormed out, didn't say a word,

didn't come back for like months. I didn't storm out that time. I stormed out that time before. That's what I'm saying, the first time, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I definitely was, yeah. You stormed out, didn't say a word, didn't come back for like months. I didn't storm out that time. I stormed out the time before. That's what I'm saying, the first time, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I didn't even know you were mad the second time.

Oh, no, no, no, I wasn't. The few people that really took it bad in my career weren't necessarily on TV. Okay. But, and I won't even give them

the benefit of the shout out. Okay. Because it's just such an awful type of person and reaction that doesn't take it well. Like the sense of humor about yourself. Especially if they sit in the front or they ask to be part of it and then they don't take it well. Yeah. Like it's really creating an enemy for life. It's like, yeah, you got the hottest one and you're mad that it's spicy.

Yeah. One time I roasted, I helped mentor and coach the contestants on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette. Oh, no shit. Oh, boy. It was like a great exposure. Was it hard to teach them how to fucking read? I helped these guys write some jokes about this woman. This was a long time ago on The Bachelorette. And I was like, oh, this will be good promotion for roasting.

It's on ABC, prime time. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, all right, all right. We'll do it at the comedy store. And they're going to do a roast that night at the comedy store, The Bachelorette, and invite a bunch of her friends and fans of The Bachelorette. And the place is packed.

And these guys are going up there one after another, and some of them are good, some of them... And she's like, oh, bring it on. This is so much fun. And I'm like, oh, wow, this is really good for the art of... and the exposure of roasting. You know, it wasn't quite as big as it is now. Right.

And it was like, wow, this is amazing. And, you know, I say goodbye to everybody. I take my mic off. I'm leaving. i'm getting in my car and i see like one of those like shots where the the bachelorette runs off to a dark place and they kind of follow her with low light and i just see her crying in the corner of the comedy store parking lot and they're like i didn't know it was gonna be so mean and why were all those the roasting is not cool it's not you know like and i'm't know it was going to be so mean. And why were all those, the roasting is not cool.

It's not, you know, and I just realized, like, I got fucking sold out just now. Trying to bring roasting to the masses. This fucking chick is, like, saying it's mean. Whatever. She didn't take it well. I made one lady cry, and I feel awful about it. Oh, I remember that. We used to do a show where we'd have a little cardboard box.

People would come up, and we'd interview them, and we'd roast them. We did it on Facebook. It was called Burnin' Booth. And I told her she had a shirt tucked into her leggings, and she's a little chunky. So I just thought, I've never seen a camel's mouth eat a muffin top before. And then she ran off. I was like, oh, it was not down. And I tried to go talk to her, but I just didn't have it.

I felt bad. I was a guy who got mad at me for roasting the city of San Francisco. Oh, yeah. Because I was doing a show in Long Beach, not even in San Francisco. I have a whole bit about how San Francisco sucks. And this guy just goes, hey, fuck you, pal. And I'm like, cool, man. I just kept doing the bit.

And all of a sudden, I just look, and he has walked onto the stage. He's wearing one shoe, which I don't really understand. And he's just like in my face like he's going to fight me. It wasn't Tom? No, amazingly no. And the host is just like, you can't fight him. And that was three minutes into a 40-minute set. I was like, well, here we go.

The only negative reel that I got on social media about the Blake Griffin roast was jokes I made about Detroit. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they were like sticking up for Detroit. Have they been to Detroit? No, they were in Detroit. Yeah, because we went there this year for the first time. Nice people, but

God damn, it is Detroit. I loved it. Some of the best crowds in the world are in Detroit. They need comedy. That should tell you that Detroit is a failed state is that Tom fits in yeah i loved it yeah i absolutely loved it i thought philadelphia water tasted better yeah it was awesome yeah he picked up a candy wrapper they gave him the key to the city they're like this is the most anybody's done wow to improve this town all right one more question a couple voicemails and uh and we'll let you go jeff uh what did

connor and keith really look like naked the people want to know you guys got were really you know for all the hype about the naked roast battle you were pretty you know digitized yeah we were i know which i appreciate i wouldn't i wouldn't there was a lot of back and forth debate internally about whether to do that and how much i would have liked to have been unblurred just because I'm like, if we're going to do the thing, let's do the thing. I advocated for blurring your faces. Or just Photoshopping my dick onto my face. Because I felt like your dicks look fine, but the anonymity might be helpful.

That's what I want is to have my dick on the internet and not even get like booked for a show yeah yeah i should have said on roast battle i would have been a good one that's pretty funny yeah when you had the blindfold and the binoculars that shit was great yeah i just love to see i love to seeing in the back they like a list of like the props that you needed for the next shot and somebody like binoculars for nikki i'm like ah good well the small dick joke is coming yeah yeah no those were binoculars from my house they were like like, ah, good. Well, the small dick joke is coming. Those were binoculars for my house. They were like my grandfather's. I just threw them in my car

with the sleep mask. And I had them under my chair the whole night. And then just when you were coming out, I handed them to Nicky. Yeah. I mean, that was great getting roasted with a family heirloom. Several generations of being embarrassed of my dick. A lot of history in that small dick joke. There's a lot of history. Several generations of being embarrassed of my dick.

A lot of history in that small dick joke. There's a lot more history in that eye mask. We'll leave that for another podcast. Why is it crispy? My grandfather had this eye mask up his ass for 30 years. Yeah, and then Christopher Walken gave it to me at a sale.

Alright, let's listen to a couple voicemails we got for you jeff this is fan hey guys my name is jeremiah i'm a new fan of the podcast i uh i first saw you guys at the fonda theater where you both stripped naked and roasted each other i was there in the second row with my girlfriend and we were both very shocked and stunned. I still don't know what to think about it. Anyway, since you can't stoop any lower than performing naked in front of a crowd like that, I was wondering what big plans you guys have for the future to top yourselves. Thanks anyway, and good luck with everything.

Thanks anyway? I love the tone of the first half of that voicemail. It was like, hey, I love your show. Also, I got me too'd by it. Yeah. It felt violated. One lady was like, I didn't know this was happening. If you show my face, I'm going to call SAG and make you delete the whole show.

Is that real? Yeah, yeah. You guys did a great job making it very clear. You guys gave everyone a moment to leave if they wanted. I don't know why. That was my idea. Yeah. That was good.

In rehearsal, I said, I think we should say something to the audience. Yeah, it would have been funny if when we took the robes off, people just started running for the exits like the burning theater in Glorious Bastards. Yeah. Well, I think everyone thought they were waiting for the bit, and then it was just actual. Everyone thought there was going to be a pouch. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, thanks for the call guy yeah what do we do to top naked roast battle i don't know i'm gonna have to uh blackface maybe no probably you guys could roast while fucking each other that would top it that'd be pretty hot yeah maybe while i'm getting a small surgery you know like i'm getting like a like you know just a local anesthesia knee procedure why don't you just make it a tradition of naked roast battling until you're old? So you can just do a real-time evolution? Just watch our balls start sagging? Yeah, yeah.

Then you see where I finally let the comments get to me and I get the dick surgery. And you're like, well, it's bigger. It doesn't look good, but it is longer. Bad, bad, giant, and black for some reason. Yeah, I'm like, all right, well, there's a weird ring at the bottom of it. And I guess that cost him $20,000. But, you know, good for him. Oh, man, that'd be pretty funny, actually, to just do the naked roast every year.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that could be a good tradition. As somebody who could use a job every year, I agree. You know how parents, like, they mark the height of their kid on the, you know, we could just have a reel every year, you know, that just shows your devolution. I like the idea that when we die, you do an in-memoriam seg. A ball drop. No, when they tear down the Fonda, I'm going to get that little corner piece of wood way down in the basement where I have a Sharpie mark of my balls descending. Connor McSpadden, age 80.

One day my child will measure his balls on this wood. It'll be like that Venus Williams Instagram post that's going around today. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where she's a little girl, and her dad's helping her learn to serve, and she throws the ball up, and just when she smashes it, it cuts to present day. Oh, that's cool. Really cool. It's like that, but with nuts.

Yeah, two sad naked men. Yeah, I like it. All right, this guy, I love this guy. That was brave. Thank you for doing the. Yeah. Two sad naked men. Yeah. I like it. All right. This guy. I love this guy. That was brave. Thank you for doing the naked.

Of course, man. It was a fucking blast. I wouldn't do it. So you guys got guts. There was a second there when you took your shirt off. I was like, oh, shit. Is Jeff going to get naked? I started to get naked. Dude, if you would have gotten naked, we would have gotten 10 million views.

But here's why I didn't. Because I have a dignity Because I have a dignity. I have a manager. I respect myself. Because I have air conditioning in every room of my house and I don't need more. I felt like it would be discourteous to Nikki, who was sitting next to me. That's a good reason. Yeah, that would have bummed her out.

I think she probably would have laughed. Not us. Too many she did not know. I'm sure she would have beenmed her out. Yeah. I think she probably would have laughed. Not us. Too many she did not know. I'm sure she would have been a good sport, but it's just not fair to not throw it at my co-stars right there. That's a fair point. I was hoping there was going to be some version of it where Jeselnik got naked, because that would have been great.

Yeah. For Keith, that would have been the Super Bowl right there. My God. Being nude and getting sexually humiliated by Anthony Jeselnik has been in my dream journal for a while. So you really made my day. Nicky was very sweet. I talked to her after. She was like, I totally blocked out your dick. I was just thinking about the jokes.

I don't even remember it. And I was like, that's a very nice lie you're telling me, man. What she's saying is you have an unmemorable dick. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Biggity Bob up in NorCal. I got a message for Jeff Ross.

My question for Jeff Ross, which is, did you really think that you were going to save Mike the Situation Sorrentino from getting heckled by that crowd? Anyways, love you guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yeah. Did you?

Okay. There's no more upsetting. Yeah, it is Bob. I got a message for Jeff Ross. It's biggity Bob. It's biggity Bob. Biggity. That had the tone of like some slurs are coming next.

It wasn't that I wanted to save the situation or thought I could save the situation. It's that I was trying to save the show. Right. Because Jezelnik, his first roast, he was on like in one more spot. And I had a personal interest in wanting my friend to do well on his first roast. Plus, I was a producer on the show. I didn't want to see people sort of booing. I didn't want it to turn into a fucking rodeo.

And also, I was coming up at the end. So I was just protecting the integrity of the room. No, I think that made it better. Like you doing that was a good audible. Because, I mean, it was just walk into a shit room. Integrity of the room. No, I think that made it better. Like, you doing that was a good audible. Because, I mean, it was just kind of a hairy situation. It's like, someone's got to do something, you know? Yeah, you can't just let that sit and then do the show. Yeah, yeah.

And you're kind of the authority or whatever. Like, if anyone's going to go up there and do it, it should be you. Right. Yeah. So, yeah. Shout out to Mike, the Situation, who I saw recently at the MTV Video Music Awards. Oh, yeah? How's he doing?

Tiffany Haddish. And it was good to see him. He was very happy to see me. He was with the Jersey Shore cast. He was definitely feeling his mojo. And he said he now finally recognizes that he didn't do well. That night, he thought he killed.. That night, that night, he thought he killed.

Crushed it, bro. He's like, man, I was out of my comfort zone. I stayed in there. I didn't break. I was like, wait, that's all that matters? It's like that you tried it,

but I guess so. I wish I had that confidence. I wish I had that cocaine. I don't know. I guess if you're that dude and you're like, I'm never going to have to do this again, you're like, what a fun excursion into trying a thing for me.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? He was in a moment of his life where he was on the number one TV show, and everything you do kind of matters to people, and he tried roasting. So shout out to Mike the Situation Sorrentino. I do like using his full name. It feels like he might be listening. He might have that little going on at this point.

He has a lot going on. He's doing good. No, yeah, though. I'm sorry for besmirching the situation on me, boys. He's got his own line of marinara sauces, probably. That seems like something he'd have. It's also good for lube. You can tan with the Alfredo.

It's a perfect tanning glaze. Have you ever thought, why can't I vape marinara? He started his grandma's fettuccine vape products for the situation. All right, we got one more for me. These fucking clowns are making fun of me on their podcast. In the meantime, I'm in my fucking Jersey Beach house. As soon as I figure out what a podcast is, I'm going to be real upset. I'm in my six-year-old Lamborghini still trying to get girls at bars to remember the show I was on

while they were in middle school. Developing prescription drug problems and doing infomercials. Snooki won't answer my calls. I'm the new ShamWow guy over here. Can you believe it? I'm perfect. Oh, you come on the hooker's back? No, you didn't?

There. Evidence be gone. All right. What's up, Mean Boys? It's Dylan from Canada. I just wanted to ask Jeff Ross a quick question. Since you've seen both Keith and Connor's penises at this point, which one do you look more like?

Fuck everything. God is dead. Peace. Well, I think if you're wearing the fedora, you look more like mine. I mean, well, you know, I have a foreskin, so I don't think Jeff is allowed to look like mine. It's not kosher. I think I look like a combination of Connor's dick and Keith's asshole. Yeah, you look kind of bleached.

And we did see all of that at the Fonda. Yeah, we did. I sure did when I fucking judged the naked roast that you did the other time. And you started pushing his ass up against me. I did the naked roast battle at Skank Fest this year, and Tom was one of the judges. And so I just made a point because he was sitting behind me to just periodically spread my butt open and just ruin Tom's night. Good for you guys. Jeff's currently texting his publicist.

How do you hack into a computer and delete audio? Hey, I'm going to have to do some damage control with the situation. Thanks for coming on, man. So, yeah, we got to go. We got three mics. Not three mics coming out. It's Bumping Mics with you and Dave. That's right.

On Netflix coming out soon. Sneaky Pete the next season. Season three. Yeah. All those roast battle clips. How about my podcast? I just and Dave. That's right. On Netflix coming out soon. Sneaky Pete the next season. Season three. Yeah. All those roast battle clips are on YouTube right now. How about my podcast? I just started doing. Oh, yeah.

I just did that. I would love it if some of your listeners came over. They would love it. Yeah. It's called Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. It's a great time. I do it every like whenever, but it's fun. The Jeff Ross schedule.

Yeah. My cousin Ed put a podcast studio in my basement. Yeah. And we really love it. No, it's a lot of fun. You know, it's you and you get some of your family on. You get celebrities. You get chuds like us.

Yeah. You know, and you just talk some shit. You enjoy the... Yeah, you say, hey. It's cathartic. Yeah, yeah. And that's what I love about Jeff's house. Always food.

Yeah. Oh, never not food. Always a spread. Yeah. I was like, we're going to watch the Willis Rose party and I was like, I should stop by Jeff's

because he's going to have pizza and I get their three deep dish all out on the counter. I do love food and I really feel like I can't be funny without constant food coming into my mouth.

Well, Keith has cracked your, he's got your secret recipe. I've never felt more understood. Really, I think about food right before i go on stage right after i go on stage and if it's a weird situation where you're doing like back to back or whatever like i'll think about it on stage if people are eating in the front row yeah it truly distracts me in a way that the show becomes about that. Sometimes I sing songs about food when I have my guitar on stage. One of the fattest comedy moves I do is sometimes when I do the Madhouse in San Diego, I will get there early to eat the first meal knowing that I can justify maybe getting a second dinner later.

And I do know that I must sort of omit or what's the word, project that because at the Tempe Improv years ago, huge, huge club. Right. With great food. I went to get paid. Like $8. Were you deducting that? And I was kitchen and the and the as the servers were sort of counting up and they were all like thanks for coming jeff thanks for we did great this weekend we all made so much money and i get in the the manager's office and he's like jeff

we want you to know your fans this weekend these five shows broke the food sales record you have the fattest fan base in America. So it made me just so delighted. Oh, yeah. I took the plaque from Ralphie May. They had to add my name, 2018 Tempe Improv Mozzarella Champion. They just start throwing loose meat at you like confetti after a wedding.

Yeah. Like, laughter is like comfort food, right? So some people, the drinks help, but I need the food. Yeah, you need carbohydrates to riff yeah you really do uh so that's going on sure all those roast battle clips are up on youtube you and blake griffin that's going to be insane just put that one up today me and blake the extended which is actually to me i like it a lot better when you see it all play out in real

time and i was there and all just like how it was when i was there you know so it's cool to like that everyone gets to see that. Yeah. And keep fucking spreading the roast and love. Who do you think, who's your fantasy for the next roast? My mom pitched me Betty White, and I think that's a pretty good one because she's not going to be around forever and everyone loves Betty White. That would be a fun one.

I have roasted Betty White, not on TV, and she was a lot of fun. I did a Friars Club roast of Betty White once. Nice. I said she's so old the color white was named after her. not on tv and she was a lot of fun yeah the friars club rose to betty way once nice i said she's so old the color white was named after her that's fucking good man but uh yeah i don't know man you know i i don't i honestly don't daydream about it like kind of whatever whoever's next it's all it's all good i know because you know your method roasting Bruce Willis I saw at your house you had pictures of him

hung up it looked like you were plotting to kill him in your basement I talked to him yesterday he's so happy you know

he told me he wrote he drove from one end of Sunset to the other the other day and here it is what a month later

and the billboards are still up it's like Comedy Central bragging about how good that show was, which I kind of love. All right, well, dude, you do a lot to help young comedians.

It's a trip that you're here hanging out with us, and it means a lot to us. Thank you for coming on. Very weird in a great way. Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen. All right, now you can get that way too nice car out of this neighborhood

if it's still there.