Mean Boys - EP 152 - Therapy Pig (feat. Steve Rannazzisi)

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

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Oh, it's that time of the year, everybody. It's the most wonderful time of the year. It's 9-11. That wasn't planned. Wow, we're Rift City. Steve Rannazisi is here and he came to the house. And he might just be a hologram. It's 9-11.

Well, musicians we are not, but we are the idiots who got Steve Rannazisi to do the 9-11. Musicians, we are not, but we are the idiots who got Steve Ranazisi to do the 9-11 episode for the second year in a row. I love that poetic spirit. Musicians, we are not. Poets, perhaps. Scholars, certainly. 9-11, I don't know, roustabouts, to be sure. Yes, I can hang my hat on. And it's a whole new yearly tradition now.

What a beautiful thing. Steve Ranazzisi is on the show this week. We've got to thank the old boy for coming in. Check out his podcast, Hear Me This Book, and his new gambling podcast coming out. Get a load of all of his fucking hot salty tour dates over on SteveRanazzisi.com and I'm not spelling that. You've got to Google it.

I'll just go ahead and tell you now. I know you're going to want to tweet Steve how great he was on the episode. You can go ahead and wait until Wednesday. That'll be when he's checking it, probably. Yeah, he's taking a little sabbatical tomorrow, you know, to go, I don't know, what does Steve do for fun?

He's just like, yeah, just try out a new protein shake recipe. Watch the league. Yeah. He just watches his own show. He just goes and says, man, just try a new protein shake recipe. Watch the league. Yeah. He just watches his own show. He just goes in there. He's like, man, me and Nick are funny. Posts under an anonymous pseudonym in the league subreddit.

Like, what about a reboot? I mean, it's a little soon. Yeah. I think Kevin's the best, and we should forgive him. It's a good show. It is a pretty good show. Buffalo Wild Wings stock down again. I wonder why.

Fake wings. Yeah. So fucking thank you. Big old thank you to Steve Renzisi for coming on. What a sport. What a champ. And we got some stuff we got to talk about, guys. First of all, of course, we're going on tour.

Goddamn right. First week of November. And we're going all over the goddamn place. We're going to Austin. We're going to Dallas. We're going to Houston. We're going to Kansas City. We're going to Nashville.

We're going to Atlanta. We're going to Houston. We're going to Kansas City. We're going to Nashville. We're going to Atlanta. We're going to fucking Jacksonville just to do more jokes about Jacksonville than Cat Williams did. We're going to Cincinnati. We're going to Orlando. Apparently we're going to Jacksonville now. I just decided. We're going to

God damn it, Jacksonville. It's so hot. I can't believe it's like a pimple in space by the sun, Jackson. God damn it, Jackson. It's like an ogre's armpit out here. Yeah, so there was a cat on his Emmy win. That was fucking awesome.

That's my Cat Williams impression. So, look, if you guys aren't on the email list, go ahead and sign up. A link for it's in the show notes, in our Twitter bio. It's on our website, meboyspodcast.com. You can find it. It's out there website, meboyspodcast.com. You can find it. It's out there. And let us know where you are. We'll come fucking do a tour near you.

And get on the email list also. We'll let you know as soon as all the tickets are on sale for these events. They're starting to go live now. We'll have whichever ones are ready in the show notes by the time this goes up. Yes. Those will all be on the website right at the top. Leave us a review on iTunes. We're within striking distance of our 400 iTunes review goal of interviewing Keith's mother.

Which is, you know, well, maybe we could try to do that on 11.9 and do like a reverse. Did you see the Michael Moore trailer for Fahrenheit 11.9? I didn't, no. Oh, yeah. Doesn't he go water politicians' lawns with Flint, Michigan? Yeah, which is a funny bit, but literally at the end, Fahrenheit 9-11 pops up, and the numbers just go, Whoa!

While the Jimi Hendrix fucking national anthem plays, and I'm just like, fuck you, you fat idiot. Oh, yeah, well, dude, it's edgy, man. It's fucking, whoa. Whoa. It's like that's when the election. Shut up. Oh, that's what it is.

That's why. Okay. Never mind. I guess this service is still needed in America. I'm going to start a band called 113, and we play classical music. We really stick it to them. Yeah, I thought it was just like, ah, it's release day. That makes more sense.

Yeah, so we're at 350 right now. Once we get to 400, we're interviewing Keith's mom. We're going up to Fresno. We're praying to our gods. We're going to make it happen. Haas2514 writes, boom, boom, pineapple, five stars. It's like if the Goatsy picture had a soundtrack. That's a good review.

That is a lot of edgelord in one review. This guy is just like, yeah, that's right. I was online in middle school. It's like if a fart boner was tub girl. I don't know what those references were. Don't worry about it. You didn't understand the day democracy died. I don't think I can explain Goatsy to you properly.

I know about November 9th, just not the significance. Okay, get on the Reddit. Our Mean Boys. Join in this scintillating Mean Boys discussion with all of your fellow listeners. And go fuck up the Discord, moderated by our dear friend Alexis. And I guess you guys could just have a chat room where people discuss craft beer and porn mostly. So, you know, that seems like the kind of thing you guys would be into. Yeah, I was talking to somebody about...

Just weigh the benefits of purchasing the new promotional Taco Bell items and things like this. I was talking to somebody about the Discord, and they were like, yeah, we play video games, and also there's a lot of weird sex shit with Alexis and her husband. Like public shaming. Oh, yeah, well, just periodically there's some penis shaming that goes on. Yeah, which, go be part of that. That's a fun time. Yeah, everyone shame Ian's dick.

That'd be funny. Yeah, if we just got everyone to do that. You got a bad wiener there, fella. Yeah, well, boy. I hope You just got everyone to do that. You got a bad wiener there, fella. Yeah. Well, boy. I hope you got the receipt for that thing. You better take it back. It's a real subpar schlong, I tell you what.

I was just trying to do a generic roast, and then I realized being a trans man, that's actually kind of rude what I just said. So I would like to apologize to Ian for my remarks. I want to be sensitive as I mock this man's penis. Yeah. Hop on to the Patreon for $5 a month. Weekly bonus content every Thursday. $10 a month.

Monthly goodies. This month we're doing patches. Iron-on fucking punk rock Mean Boys patches. So you guys can put it next to the cramps thing that you have, even though you only know three songs. You're all a fat guy thinking a denim jacket is going to fix everything. So why not accentuate that with a Mean Boys patch? And we're all $126 from our next Snark Week? Is that correct?

We are terrifyingly close. We're teetering on the brink of having to do work, which is what I've been avoiding my whole life. If five of you donate $25 a month, you can get us over to Snark Week. That's actually not how that would work at all. That wouldn't be enough money. Because even if we got 100% of the pledges, which we don't, that would put us at $19.99.

I take it back. No one give us any money. Way to fact check my plea. I know that, Connor. $3,000. We make Keith learn math. And at $4,000, we teach Connor to roll with any bit. $5,000. You suck

my little ass dick. We'd like to take a moment to discuss suicide here in the introduction. There has been an outbreak of suicide within our listening community. You're describing it like E. coli tainting Chipotle lettuce.

Well, I assume someone didn't wash their hands and then they had OCD and shot themselves. I don't know the statistics, but that seems to be the most likely. What we're getting at is, I don't know, sorry? Well, look, to anyone that's had this touch in life that's listening to the show. I wanted a picture like a genuine dude. That's what I'm trying to do. No, you made fun of him.

No, you made fun of him. No, you made fun of him. You said, equalize salad, and then mentioned a dude blowing his head off. Anyway, the point is all three of us. E. coli salad. It's E. coli, Tom. My name is E. coli salad. I am Italian scientist.

I invented the notion of sadness. I use it to make the poopy head. So now you have the crazy insights from the E. colitis. That's a tragic meatball. In all seriousness, the three of us have talked about it a bunch. We care about you guys. And, you know, I know there's a lot. I said that not just because you listen to the show and you like it or whatever.

But, like, every time we meet anybody that, you know, out on the live show or whatever. You guys have always been awesome. Yeah. You know, and we don't, you know, we love you guys. We don't want you to do that. We are, you know, feel sorry. We don't want you to do that. We don't.

We are firmly anti-you dead. Like, they're getting up on the couch. We'll squirt you with a water bottle if you ever think about killing yourself. But, yeah, seriously, you know, please reach out to people if you're if you're if you're in that spot hit us up you know yeah all our folks over there are nice and go talk to them yeah go pop in the discord and you know commiserate or whatever i'm not even just saying that to plug the discord i'm serious like find you know go yeah the reddit discord the twitter like the one thing i do love about our fans more than anything else is that they love each other yeah like it's i've like, friendships pop up out of people who just like this retard show we do.

Yeah. And, you know, we joke about everything and we tell people to kill themselves all the time. Because it's our job. But we... If I suggested that if you would have gotten on the Patreon, you wouldn't have killed yourself, I apologize. I thought that would be a funny bit. And I thought that's the kind of thing that our dead fans would enjoy. But that was probably not the time.

So my bad. The point is, as much as we fuck around, we also, all three of us, deal with different mental unwellness and shades ranging from fine to Tom. But we really do, and we really care about you guys. So fucking stay safe out there. Stay okay. Do what you gotta do. Reach out. So fucking stay safe out there. Stay okay. Do what you got to do. Reach out.

Yeah. Reach out to people. Everything's shitty. Because you know what? Next year, there will be another Steve Rannazzisi 9-11 episode, and you got that to look forward to. Yeah. I want everybody who's thinking about killing themselves to make a note on their calendar.

Wait at least until the next Rannazzisi episode. Look, I often- And then we'll revisit. We will do it. We will do a don't kill yourself warning every 9-11 before the Steve episode. Yeah, well, look, I want to kill myself most of the time. I want to kill Connor most of the time.

And, like, seriously, I don't... I really hate being alive for the most part. But sometimes it's as dumb as going, oh, I just want to see what Kanye does next. I mean, he hasn't been... He hasn't not been interesting the entire time I've been following him. Like, I can't wait to see... What's his next's his next move you know so even it's just something dumb like

even if you're just like well i do want to see if he ever does that at the last game of thrones book like whatever it is yeah it's like well how are they going to undo this whole thanos business like yeah whatever your dumb thing is just you know and then you go online and yell at a woman about how they're in the soul stone and then you you're back. Oh, by all means. Yeah. And definitely incorporate her feminine identity into the argument. Yeah, what I'm saying is if harassing women on the internet keeps you from committing suicide, then you know what?

That's a cross they'll have to bear. Which is why we here at the Mean Boys Podcast would like to take a moment to discuss women's reproductive rights. They're being threatened right now. If we take enough of them away, our fans will be sad less. Yeah. What? What are we getting at here? Don't kill yourself, please.

It got away from us. Yeah. It really did. It was supposed to. Yeah. And we're being very genuine. We are being genuine. Yeah. We're being sincere.

We're making jokes about it because that's what the fuck we do. We were going to make jokes about anything we talk about it. But we also want to make it clear we're serious about this. We're being sincere. We're making jokes about it because that's what the fuck we do. We were going to make jokes about anything. We talk about it, but we also want to make it clear. We're serious about this. We're not afraid. We talk about it all. All right. Coming really far, killing yourself.

You know, we got range. Yeah. The two qualities that create me is coming real far and killing myself. But yeah. Love you guys. Thank you. Yeah. So, hey, happy 9-11.

Enjoy. Thank you. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Here I sit, broken hearted, tried to shit, but I nine lied about... Damn it! You fucked it up! It's not easy! Where is your clever wordplay now? It wasn't even good, I just did it quickly. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Tom Goss. I'm Steve Rannazzisi. And I'm... Bowser if you lived out of Tommy's Hamburgers instead of a castle. All right. Steve Ranazzisi, back in the trap. Oh, my God. Yes.

Thank you, buddy, for coming by. Hey, no problem. It's a tradition at this point. We've talked about it. So you've got to tell us what you saw while you're driving over here today. It's fucking beautiful. So driving here, I was thinking about I was ready to write some jokes for the podcast. And then I got stopped at a light, a traffic light. You hear that, Cal Canane? Steve Ranazz I was ready to write some jokes for the podcast and then I got stopped at a light

a traffic light. You hear that, Cal Canane? Steve Renezzi? He had time to write jokes. No, I didn't. I didn't write any jokes. You thought about it. I thought about writing them. He considered trying. Yeah, and then I was stopped at a traffic light next to what was like a big pond in Los Angeles and there was

a kid, I was the first car, a kid crossing the street with his mother and a duck was out kind of like two or three feet out into the right lane and was eating food off the ground and the kid was pointing at the duck and the mother was pulling the kid away and we all saw this duck the woman at the light saw the duck so when the

light turned green she didn't go and I slowly went because I knew that the car behind her would get impatient. And he did. He whipped around. And he just came and ran that duck's head over. And me and the kid that was at the corner locked eyes before that duck died. And I watched the duck's head explode everywhere.

And I laughed so hard. And I knew that nothing I could write nor say would be as funny as the moment I just witnessed. The funniest part is, like, if he just ran over the duck completely, like, okay, killed the duck, the head. The head. Yeah. It's like a targeted attack. The duck was going down to get food like this. It literally stuck its neck out to fucking get splattered.

And it wasn't the body. The body was pretty much intact, but the head got just crunched under that. And no one's going to deal with it. That duck is still there. And I saw it. It was like I knew it could happen, and I went slow enough. And I didn't want the duck. I just wanted to see what. And it did.

And I was like, oh, maybe the duck. In terms of an excuse, I feel like if you should... Like, the dog ate my homework. Yeah, boo-hoo. It was just like, teacher, I saw a duck get got by a fucking princess earlier in Echo Park. Okay, well, you know, you're off the hook for geometry today. How much ice cream do you have to buy that kid to untraumatize him? That kid is fucked up. Oh, yeah.

Fucked up. You get him one of those swan popsicles. You know what it was? I think... He pointed at the duck, and he was probably telling... Mom, this duck is in danger. We have to do something about it. popsicles you know what it was I think he pointed at the duck and he was probably telling mom this duck is in danger we have to do something

honey I'm late for whatever an Instagram shoot she was super hot she was on her phone mom was gonna go pop her pussy

and pay for that and I could tell he was like no but this is my life calling to save this duck to save nothing and then just

bam that fucking duck is so dead right now. He just learned what ducks were like three weeks ago. How old is the kid? He had to be four years old. Between three and four years old.

You're just at the worst stage. Just when you start retaining memory. This is this kid's first memory. You watched a human being learn the futility of compassion. That's what happened. Everybody slowed down. Everyone kind of knew, and I could see this one guy.

It was like a car or two behind. He was on his phone. He was like, what do we do? And he just whipped around to the left lane and just ran this duck, came right back over. Did he stop? No, he just kept going.

He had no idea. He just kept going, and all of us were left there with the collateral damage. And to me, it was just kept going. He had no idea. He just kept going. And all of us were left there with the collateral damage. And to me, it was just a laugh. I laughed so hard. Who knows if it really happened? That's true.

It begins. I should have brought the duck's body in to be like, look, this is what happened. I was definitely near the duck. I can still smell the duck. Like, all right, I was a few blocks from the duck. I was a couple blocks away. But I saw the whole duck thing happen. I volunteered with the duck like all right i was a few blocks from the duck but i was a couple blocks away but i saw the whole duck thing happen i volunteered to get with the duck okay so have you ever had to do that with your kids if they ever seen anything really fucked up you're like oh quick

i gotta like i'm the point man on this i gotta contextualize what just happened never anything that bad it's with my kids when we were when i was a kid i saw my we saw a guy drop dead at niagara falls oh shit and then my brother over the falls no no no he had a heart attack he just When I was a kid, we saw a guy drop dead at Niagara Falls. Oh, shit. Like fall over the falls? No, no, no. He had a heart attack. He was literally just walking and he dropped dead. Oh, my God.

Yeah, walking with his wife and then just dropped dead. Well, that sucks the family that tells the story because he died at Niagara Falls. Oh, did he go over in a barrel? Yeah. My brother was like four and he was like, can we throw him over? Because my brother was trying to throw them over because he was like my brother was like trying to like he kept trying to throw things over

and watch them go down but to him this was the biggest thing that he could find that we could literally watch go down he's not wrong so he asked us

when we walked away we should have thrown them over and watched them go down the falls because when you're a kid you don't realize like dying is a big deal

like that guy's dead obviously that's what happens in Mortal Kombat when you suck at fighting. The only use he has to us now is to watch him go over the falls.

Yeah, let's test gravity. And my answer would've been like, sure, why, he's not gonna be more dead after we throw him over the waterfall. Yeah, I mean, it's like,

is that gonna be better than the fucking funeral you guys scraped together on GoFundMe for a full thousand bucks? I mean, really? That's what they did on Lord of the Rings.

They just threw that dude off that cliff after he died. Sure, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Just bring good points. So there's a hero, Tom, that you're requesting a cliffside service for your memorial? You can throw me off of anything when I die. I don't really care. We'll just

wheelbarrow you to the funniest place we can. Yeah, wheelbarrow one of those little kid trains, whatever you guys want to do. I feel like Tom is going to have a Viking funeral, but he's just going to be taped to a boogie board. That's like a Viking funeral on water. That's an Orange County funeral. We push it out and we just start throwing lit four

locos at him. We go to where the casino is in Buffalo. We just send him out on a thing and then we just drive down to the falls and just wait until his fucking body goes right over the top of the falls. Me and Tom went to San Diego for the weekend and at one point got woken up at 7 a.m. by people barging into the house demanding we do cocaine with them.

Yeah, 7 a.m. Yeah, 7 a.m. They hadn't fallen asleep from the night before. They just kept snorting. You guys, we got to sell life insurance. Yeah, yeah. They were, yeah. I woke up to just, like, come party with us

with Mac Miller blasting in the background. This is before or after he died? This is yesterday. Oh, okay. Yeah. My God. I thought it was like a, yeah. Yeah, I think we all heard a lot of snapback hat eulogies to Mac Miller over the weekend.

Yeah, basically all of our dumbest friends had a real emotional few days. Yeah. I actually listened to some of his songs. I'm like, oh, this his songs I imagined it being worse He's got some Exactly I don't really remember any of it I didn't know any of it

I just kind of explored it Did you do the coke by the way? No, could you imagine me on coke? People think I'm on coke normal And I'm fucking terrified to do it Was it the 7am or was it the coke? People were trying to give me coke the night before too i just i don't people always really want to put coke in tom because they want to put a lot of drugs in me because i feel like you're just going

to turn into just like a kool-aid man made of fists you're just going to start walking through walls and just taking out teeth yeah it's like i've never thought like what if this man with a difficult past got the mask? You know, I'm like, what if he was faster and also sad and violent? Yeah, I just I don't I don't think my brain on coke would be fun for anybody. No, I think because you talk too much about boring shit to begin with. You'd be like, it'd be 5 a.m. and you'd be like, and another thing about fasting. If you put the alkaline salts in the water, there's all your fucking electrolytes right there. Yeah, the amount of times that Tom's just had to be like, do you care about Mike Tyson?

I'm like, I don't. And he's like, okay, well, I have a lot of statistics that I'm going to ramble at you. Damn, everyone's in flip-flops but me. I didn't really – I'm going to – Yeah, sorry. I'll don him right now. You're going to be changing into a more casual show. So I have a fun story to tell since you're here, Steve.

Okay. We talked about this at the Naked Roast Battle. By the way, that was fun. That was super fun, yeah. I was like, they were like, do you want to, like, Lewis asked me very last minute, hey, do you want to do the Naked Roast Battle? You know, you have to do it naked. And I was like, no. And I'm like, who are the other judges? And he's like, Keith Carey's going to do it and Mike Lauren.

I'm like, I've never felt prettier. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm like I've never felt prettier yeah oh yeah I'm the only dick you can see up here this is kind of unfair

we got Danny DeVito and the guy from Mask somebody drew a frowny face on a bag of shit

word on the street is by the way Steve Ryan is easy swinging some pipe that's where I was going

yeah because we were backstage and it was like since we had Young last year for 9-11. Yeah. Literally starting 9-12, we were like, how funny would it be if we got him to do it again? And none of us had the nuts to ask you again because we had never really talked about the 9-11.

You certainly didn't. No. Well, it was pretty funny to be asked about it. And then I was like, fuck it. I'm with Steve. I'm going to ask him. I'm just going to be cool. I'm like, hey, do you want to do Mean Boys again?

And immediately you were just like, yeah, you can have me on fucking 9-11 and I was like oh no abort abort and you were like super cool about it you're like no and I'm like man what a cool dude to like handle such a weird situation with like grace and like humility and then I saw your dick and I'm like oh that's why oh well yeah a giant dick and you're just like I don't care if I'm a national because Ari's like I'm like I told Lewis I'm like I'm not doing it he's like Ari's like what do you he's like you have a big head a big a big Ari's like, I told Lewis, I'm like, I'm not doing it. He's like, Ari's like, what are you, he's like, you have a big head,

a big penis head. I know I've seen it many times. I'm like, but it's going to be cold. He's like, the head will stick out. He's like, he was breaking down the teeth.

He's like, the head will stick out. It'll be the majority of what people are looking at and that's good enough for people. I'm like, so you're saying I should do this because I have a mushroom cock

like big head? And he's like, absolutely. I'm like, all right, I'll do it. You're a bulbous mushroom cock like big head and he's like absolutely I'm like alright I'll do it you're a bulbous man it'll be fine I mean you know

that was it I like that we're doing Lewis like he's Barack Obama no that was Ari I thought it was a pretty fun Ari yeah that is a solid Ari yeah

he's describing it like it's like some sort of weird like thin stem with just a giant fucking like bathtub he's just the most

abrasive guy he's like well yeah no one's gonna care cause they don't like you and He's like, well, yeah, no one's going to care because they don't like you. He's like, well, that's all that he said. The sun will explode, and you're going to be forgotten. He did say, he was like, you know, last year I dumped piss all over people, and it was

the thing that everyone talked about. So nothing you do will touch them. So this will be like a forgotten moment, so you don't have to worry about it. I was trying so hard backstage to get him to throw piss at Amico again. I feel like he should have stopped like three DMT trips ago because he's reached the level of enlightened where he's just a cunt all the time. He's just completely blunt. Oh, beyond blunt.

Like just hurtful. Yeah, yeah. He's the worst Zen asshole. True. Yeah, it's like if... Earl did it. I talked to him on my podcast about it the year before. And he had taken a Viagra and he started stroking it.

And everyone was like, what are you doing? The table had no cloth. So everyone could just see him stroking his cloth. I remember hearing it behind me because he was judging while I was fighting. And I just kind of heard. And I'm like, what did you not think? He was like, oh, I never thought. It's like one of those toothbrushes where it plays music when earl jack's off it's rats

round and round so that's how he knows how to time i don't think anyone will look at my wiener on wiener the show well we took viagra before we did the naked roast and we're comparing dicks backstage we just wanted to be respectably plumped again we did not take viagra we took weird bootleg bullshit you bought off a subway i did buy buy it off an Edison on the subway. I got there like, how are you guys feeling? Like, oh, we're about to do Chinese Viagra we bought online. And I was like, oh, there's no way that could go wrong. Viagra more than the Chinese.

They must have the strongest Viagra on the market. Can I ask a question? I've never taken a Viagra. But doesn't it make you, like, rock hard? Steve, you're going to be doing Viagra ads in, like, three years. Like, wait a minute. Hold on. Be face for Viagra. You're going to be doing Viagra ads in like three years. Wait a minute. Hold on. Just face for Viagra.

You used to be a date rapist, but now can't get it up. Come on. I can definitely see you holding hands with a woman in two matching cloth foot bathtubs on a cliffside somewhere. Can you not show your face at the restaurant that I used to do commercials for after you whiskey digged that waitress? Well, boy, do I have a prescription for you. Was that waitress? Well, boy, do I have a prescription for you. Was that a fear? I would be afraid of getting... You want the best version of softness that it can be, right?

Yeah, yeah. That's what you're looking for. You want it medium-rare. I wouldn't feel weird if I walked out with a rock-hard erection. I thought about trying to go out there just guns-hot. Really? I'm like, that would be funny for three seconds and then i might have accidentally me too at 500 people like you know what i mean like a like a hard dick that you didn't expect to see feels

like a threat it's just like oh no it's super aggressive yeah people just giving it my wallet a very serious conversation about like keith's like physical health where we're like should you take viagra because it's? I'm not that out of shape and a dick pill would kill me. Your body is like one of those cars where it's like, hey, it's 380,000 miles. I don't know how it's still running. I mean, it's a second engine, but I have to start my heart every morning the way the

Fonzie starts a jukebox. You do that old stuff. You wake up, put your leather jacket on, get over there and fucking shoot it. Well, a guy in our subreddit did Keith's valve replacement, so now he's got a lawnmower kickboard coming out of his chest. Yeah, we've got to do it. Okay, once he hits 30 minutes in the set, I've got to go on stage

and put my foot on his chest. He's running out of air. Get the closer. Yeah, kickstart Keith Carey. Yeah, well, I guess everyone here, we've seen each other's dicks. We've seen each other's hearts. Yeah, you guys did a great job on the Naked Rose Battle, by the way. I say it was my favorite one.

And I thought your joke with Connor was the best joke of the year. Oh, yeah, it was very kind of you, man. The one about him and the hearse. Oh, yeah, the ashes. Yeah, truly great. You know, because Steve came up to me at the store and he was like, yeah, you guys are great. Connor should have totally won.

Oh, yeah. I was, like, shocked by the outcome. It's almost like they edit things when they go on television sometimes. Maybe I won in the room. Am I bitter? No. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it that much.

You know, when you went to Facebook and liked every comment saying you should win? Like 200 in a row. I thought that would be funny. Anyone who said anything bad about the battle, he just wrote, suck my dick. And then everyone who said he should have won, he liked. Well, there's no middle ground. It's where you build a following. I'm like Dane Cook on MySpace.

I just don't want to be beating you. My friend is bad. Have we ever discussed your weird 9-11 connection with Steve? I don't know if you know this. No. Yeah, so I wasn't at 9-11, but I was almost super at 9-11. Oh, really? Yeah, I was supposed to be on the second plane.

They hit the towers. Is this a bit? No, no, no. I swear to God. This is a true story. Because David Taylor used to walk up on stage after I would go on stage. And sometimes not even mention. I would never really mention that I was in 9-11.

I'd be like, do you know, Steve was in 9-11. I was in the second plane. I'd be like, do you know, Steve was in 9-11. I was in the second plane. And that was it. Just so we can get that joke out there. And I was like, oh, thank God. No, this is genuinely not a bit. I was supposed to be on the second plane. I was in Boston visiting family.

And then last minute they moved my flight or whatever. They said, ma'am, you can't take your therapy pig on the flight. Oh, but I brought my vest and everything. I look so pretty. Well, blue ribbons don't exactly qualify. The spider said I'm terrific. Dude, everything. The spider.

Yeah, Charlotte just left us an iTunes review. Some terrific pie asshole. Wow. That's a lot of letters, spider. Yeah, it was supposed to be a lot. It was funny because I went back years later to where it used to be, Foundation or whatever, like the fucking fountains or whatever. I don't know what you call it.

But I was there, and it was like they have all the names of the fountains or whatever. And I was with my girlfriend at the time, and I was like, I got kind of emotional. I'm like, oh, man, I almost ended up on there. And she does the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. She just grabs my hand, puts it on one of the names, and goes, wait, wait, wait. Look. And I look, and it's just some Chinese guy whose name is Dong. And I felt so bad, because I know what she was trying to do, and I'm like,

they should have just cheered me up. Instead, I laughed so hard I had to be asked to quiet down at the 9-11 memorial. Oh, sir, sir, please. So what I'm saying is, it could be worse. Yeah. No, I remember, my only memory of 9-11 is being like, where are the cartoons? It's been three days.

Weekends. I know. That's what I've heard. I thought movies like shit just happen all the time. I thought it was like a normal thing. I've heard that's the new way to like, if you want to talk to a girl and like find out if she's underage or not, just go, hey, where were you on 9-11? If they have no idea, you're like, oh, my God, that shouldn't be a thing you need a plan

for. That is so creepy. I didn't mean to bring Ari Shafir back up. Where do you think you learned these valuable lessons? Ages of social contract. Where were you on 9-11? I'll die before they catch me. Yeah.

Have you ever been to Missouri? The laws are really cool there. Yeah, the gig, the improv. Are you coming? Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, I guess, yeah, if you weren't or didn't know and no recollection, sure, you're underage. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we got some jokes. We got some questions. What do we want to do, boys? Let's get into the joke-off. All right, guys. Let's bang these things out. Let's do it.

Hi, so topical. I'll take this away. Leslie Moonves has stepped down as head of CBS amidst sexual assault allegations. He said in a statement to the press, I had to do it. No one's just going to fuck a guy named Leslie. Come on. She's getting $100 million. What?

No, and now it's down to what I heard. Okay. Down to, like, nothing because there's a new Ronan Farrow article coming out. Oh, shit. And so there's, like, six more accusations or people coming forward. So that number shrinks. Like, Friday it was, it was like 185 million. Yeah.

Then Sunday, it's like 100. Now it's like nothing. 25 million. I mean, good. I'm not aware of this story. A guy who runs CBS sexually harassed everybody. Ah. A lot of women.

Whose name sounds like he's one of Frank Zappa's kids. Yeah. I knew there had to be a name because you said Leslie. You started the joke over Leslie Moonves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what the headline said and I was like,

wait, I thought his name was Leslie. His name is Leslie? Yeah. Yeah, he's the, and he did horrific things, but he's also married to, you know,

all that garbage that our parents watch. Right. He also is married to Julie Chen who hosts two shows on the network. Oh yeah, she's the Big Brother lady. Big Brother lady and the talk.

It's so funny because this girl I was dating got me into Big Brother and I was just like the lady who hosts this show can't read. She's like one of the worst hosts I've ever seen on TV. He also made her have eye surgery to have her eyes widened. Oh my god. He was like I want you to have her eyes widened. Oh, what? Yes. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I want you to look like an anime. Well, she says he didn't. But after right after they got together and then she got jobs on the network. That's insane. Yeah. Girl, a boob job. Creepy.

I think understandable. Yeah. I just really hot on you. Wider eyes. Yeah. Also, like surgery seems like a lot. Just tape. Like, you know what i mean you know

i'm asian right yeah yeah if you like wide-eyed girls like yeah you know i'm asian right yeah but they don't have to know yeah damn you guys know so many facts uh but that's fucking crazy is this kind of that's pretty racist too isn't it so yeah well the atonement was really picked up on that yeah i'm trying to catch up on. I don't know how I do none of this. Here's my thing. I know Tom is like, okay, what is CBS? It said TV channel. Yeah.

Channel 2. Channel 2. Young Sheldon. Young Sheldon. Oh, yeah, called the Poop Channel. The Poop Channel. Yeah, the Wheel of Millions or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know how I missed that fucking story. Your joke, Tom? I think so, whatever? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how I missed that fucking story. Your joke, Tom? I think so, yeah. Fashion show in New York hired a Down Syndrome runway model, which means the clothes are so great you can drool all over them and still look hot. That's ableist. All right. Nailed it.

We don't really appreciate that kind of talk on this podcast. What? Runway models? No, unfunny. Yeah, there we go. All right, now I'll bomb. Elon Musk smoked a blunt on Joe Rogan's podcast this week. Fuck every word in that sentence, exclaimed any woman.

It's like the bro-iest thing I've ever heard. Wow, guys, I'm really glad we went into the jokes. Yeah, we really lost you. I had one. We wrote, where do boats go when they get sick? Where? To the dock. Fuck. Damn it, dude. I had one. We wrote, where do boats go when they get sick? Where? To the dock. Fuck.

Damn it, dude. Fuck, dude. That's great. I love it. Fuck. You were writing that, and then a duck died? And then a duck died. Yeah, yeah.

A duck died. Duck. All right. Okay. Well, if this doesn't work, we'll just keep talking about 9-11. Yeah. A woman tried to light a candle during a power outage, only to find it was actually a stick of dynamite. She survived by her two children and her husband, Wiley Coyote.

Well, we're officially getting out of the show. This might be the first abort joke off three minutes in. Yeah, you know, sometimes you just got to let it all ride. Yeah, we all didn't try that hard this week. I saw that story, though. Why does she have dynamite just like around? It was in Connecticut, too. It wasn't even like Florida or Texas, kind of like a dynamite country kind of thing.

You mean state? Like a place where you expect dynamite? Yeah, yeah. Like, if you find dynamite in Albuquerque, you're like, all right. That makes sense. You know, but if you find dynamite in this... Vermont. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Whoa. Bernie's fucking just chucking explosives at people i don't that's like unabomber shit yeah yeah this riff is don't those areas get pretty backwoods though like fucking doomsday prepper kind of people yeah you could find like like yeah people have a lot of dynamite or they're preparing for end of days kind of things yeah yeah okay so that makes and also And also, Connecticut loves candles. Is that a thing? Yeah, they're bougie as shit.

What do you mean, Yankee candles? You're talking about the Yankee Candle Company? I don't know. Tyler, just talk about candles in general. I thought he put Connecticut and the Yankees together because of Yankee Candle. No, that's New York. Yeah, I know, but... Here's what happened. Tom will meet one person from a place and then go,

well, yeah, everyone from Singapore loves dubstep. He was just like, no, Tom, it's just Kevin, your Singapore friend, and he liked Skrillex. Everyone in Texas had sex with me. Well, that might be factually accurate, right? I feel like Tom is going to fuck. We're trying to figure out. We're about to go on tour, and Tom's single for the first time since we've been doing these road gigs.

We're trying to figure out what state we can get Tom laid in. Okay. The most easily. An intoxicated state? Am I right? Come on, guys. First of all, boo. Second of all, Florida is both the most accurate and the most hurtful answer, I feel like.

Arizona is the quickest. Oh, you are in Arizona. And, you know, if you don't get laid in Tempe, it's not going to happen. Okay. You know what's funny? I had sex in Tempe about 12 hours ago.

I literally did. See? I was on my way back from Tucson. Factual evidence right here. And I had to stop. I was literally... Yeah, because he had to have sex. Yeah, yeah.

That's what you do in Tempe. Well, yeah, here's Tom's. Okay, so it's the air conditioner in my Prius, which is 45 years old somehow. It only works 30% of the time. So we're going to turn it on and off until it's going to take a minute to tell if it's cool or if it's just moving the air. So, yeah, we just got to reboot it a few times, and then we could get cooking. I know you're just frantically jerking him just to get out of this scenario. You're doing the, like, Tom Goss voice, but that is 100% accurate. Yeah. I know. You're just frantically jerking him just to get out of this scenario. You're doing the, like, Tom Goss voice, but that

is a hundred percent accurate. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's fucking miserable. Have you ever fucked in that nightmare of a car? Yes.

Oh, gross. Front seat or back seat? Trunk. Jesus Christ. Was this after Walter White kidnapped you? You fucking weirdo. Did you have that big

gun in the back? No. You have Priuses, man. You just put back? No, he was a priest, man. He just put the seats down. It was a long time ago. It was a... The car was still the same car. It was the same car, but it was a younger car. I was a younger man with a younger car.

And I got into his car, and I was like, this is like if you get picked up by the set of saws. Yeah, it's the most upsetting fucking... I think there was smoothie on the ceiling when you first got in there yeah yeah i scrubbed it off i need yeah i need smoothie to not be a euphemism for your cum dude oh no no it was smoothie strawberry banana ice the perfect color of cum yeah it always comes out a little pink jesus just because there's blood in it doesn't make it strawberry yeah there was there was a girl that I was dating, and we hooked up in my car

where her mom and stepdad hooked up, and she wanted to hook up in that place specifically. What? Whoa. It was pretty weird. And you did it? Yeah. And that was the only request she had?

She didn't ask for you to say stuff? And have you been haunted by some kind of Indian chief since then? What kind of weird full circle bullshit is that? Here's the thing. I wasn't part of the circle. I was just penetrating it. So it wasn't... It's like, oh, yes, room 306, Circus Circus, where I was conceived.

Now let's bring the return of Saturn home with a sexual ritual. Yeah, it was weird because you kept talking about how they hooked up there, like very detailed. Was she there as well? No, I guess her stepdad gave her a bunch of details or something on it. Yo, there's a lot of bummers to unpack in this story, dude. Man. Did you come? Yeah.

A bunch. A bunch? A bunch? Yeah. What do you mean? We went three full rounds in that high school parking lot. Came, stopped, came again, stopped. Wait, three rounds.

Was it like the last week? Like, is that enough for you ghosts? Is that enough fucking for all of you? One full Ryan O'Neal, Louis J. Gomez day fight. First round was great. Second round was a breather round and the third round I really laid it on him.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a good time. This is why Tom can't date because all the encounters you've had with women have been so skewed you don't know what the standard is.

You know, he's like, oh, I thought everybody just slides you a note at the gas station and then sucks your dick with a propane. You know,

it was four in the morning. I had a 15 minute break. I was smoking while I was doing it. Everybody just slides you a note at the gas station and then sucks your dick with a propane. It was four in the morning. I had a 15-minute break. I was smoking while I was doing it. I got some ash in her hair, but I don't think she minded because she was bald. You've never had like a, oh, yeah, we met at a bar. I said she was cute. I took her out for frozen yogurt.

I had a hotel room that the comedy club provided. Yeah. Oh, no. The first time I took Tom to a gig that had a hotel, and it was... Here's what the hotel was. They give you a physical key. And we opened the door, and Tom is like... The directions of the hotel were make a left at the red, white, and blue kayak,

and then the hotel's on the right. Those were the directions, but Tom was blown away by the luxury. He was like, a room with four walls? One of these isn't just open to some kind of porch? Holy God. Well, I fucking had done the road. I slept in barns in my car.

I just had never done a gig where there was a hotel room, so I was blown away. I picture Tom in the room, but Tom Hanks had cast away sleeping on the floor in the corner, not even touching the bed. Just like, I can't handle all this chicness. No, I have to earn that. I'll sleep in the lobby, not even touching the bed. Just like, I can't handle all this chicness. No, I have to earn that. I'll sleep in the lobby

where I belong. Yeah, I've been sleeping on these sacks of corn from the Great Depression that I found in the garage. Yeah, I'm trying to strengthen my back. You know, I think it's an MMA thing. You know, it's like Iron Palm. I just bring my own hay bale everywhere I go and then just sleep in that.

Yeah, I got a sleeping bag. It's a hefty bag. Once the oxygen gets low, it usually takes me out. So, well, yeah, we got a lot of questions for you. Congrats on those three loads, though, bro. Yeah. What's your record? Well, if I was in a car, I'd be like once or twice maybe.

But I was in high school. High school was different. Yeah, a car is a one and done scenario. But if I was an adult, I'd be like, hey, this is a passion project. A Civil War musket. You shoot it and then it's like...

Yeah, this was like a passion project. We did it and now it's over. Supposedly to say we did it. I'm not going to make sequels. I've done the move where you put the seats down and you make a little bed or whatever and then you get the music playing.

My sequels are usually better than the original movie. You're like, this My sequels are usually better than the original movie. You're like, this is going to be way better than the first one. Yeah, yeah. First movie's always a short film, and then the other ones are a lot more fun. Too much editing, overthinking the first one. Yeah, yeah.

I feel like the first time you have sex with anybody, you're just like, holy shit, really? Go now before she changes her mind. And the third one's a real tearjerker. Yeah, yeah, it is. He's just chapped and weeping. I did, this might be the most scummiest move i've ever done is one time i had to wipe up i was like doing a road

gig and i came back and i hooked up with some girl and i had to wipe up my cum with some of my merch did you sell them you sold them it was actually it's a patreon perk he's $50 that's so great i'll give you a little autograph. But yeah, I just remember doing it and being like, oh man, this is too much. I'd feel worse if I hadn't also gotten cum on our merch at one point. Oh, really? The only one who hasn't came on our merch? No, I jerked off. I cleaned myself up with a Pauly t-shirt when I was opening for him on the road.

Oh, really? Yeah, because I had to keep the box and all the shit next to me. So you just reach over. It was everything on top. Yeah, he's literally wheezing the road. Oh, really? Yeah, because I had to keep the box and all the shit next to me, so you just reach over. It was everything on top. Yeah, he's literally wheezing the juice. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, I just had...

We were getting ready to pack up for tour. I just had all the merch on my desk, getting ready to pack it up, and I just kind of blind-fired, not thinking, and I was like, all right, I have to figure out everything the cum touched

and get rid of it. I'm pretty sure... Retracing your steps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like stickers stuck together. By the way, this is making me really comfortable being in one of yours bedroom right now. Just like I'm trying to bring everything in closer to my body. Like just lower the radius of being able to touch.

Well, most of the loads have gone airborne. Where's cum landed on? Definitely in this business chair I'm sitting in for sure. I got that off Craigslist. So it's probably not mine, but it's definitely somebody. Well, it's Facebook Marketplace, which is Craigslist for moms. Yeah, no, well, good news, I'm on Zoloft, so I can't come, really.

Really? Yeah, it's a whole project. I have no pills in me, so I don't know what, I just, I want to come all the time. Yeah, it's like the best thing. And you can't come, or do you still not want to come? I want to be a red-blooded American man like Steve. Be sad and come. It just takes forever.

I'm not like, I wanted to come but then I remembered this line from a poem that was really depressing and profound. It's physically just not happening. Are you hard? Oh yeah, you get really hard. I gotta start taking Zoloft because sometimes I'm like I come too soon. They used to give it to people

as a premature ejaculation stopper. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. That was like back, like some weird, like, you know, the 80s medicine where they're like, well, yeah, it'll destroy your brain. But I mean, you're going to fuck like a rock star for like a week or two. Pot helps me with not coming too fast.

Pot makes me fuck better. Does. Yeah. That's what I've been telling people. That's what I tell myself. Yeah. If you fuck and you're not high, that's a waste of that's the way at the end i'm like look how good you did buddy look at you i feel like pot makes me think i'm fucking better but then i figure out later i was fucking way worse yeah but that's when you don't have pot that's what you think but when you smoke

pot again you feel great but it's like i'm stoned i'm like oh yeah we've been fucking for hours i'm amazing and i look after i come and i'm like oh that was seven minutes yeah it's worse when the songs are playing and it's like if it's songs was seven minutes. Yeah. It's worse when the songs are playing and it's like, if it's songs, you know, you're like, oh man, I really thought this was longer but that was four and a half minutes.

That was one ASAP Rocky track. Oh, there could be no sense of time on. I'm like Las Vegas when I fuck. There's no clocks. There's no shades. There's no light. I'm pumping oxygen

into the room to keep myself awake. It's like, you don't know when it began and when it ended. Yeah, yeah. That's it. I'm losing millions of dollars. Yeah, we were. Everything. It's like you don't know when it began and when it ended. That's it. I'm losing millions of dollars. Yeah, we were there for hours as far as we're all concerned.

Oh, yeah. You only have sex in a Joe Rogan sensory deprivation tank. That's it. Tom is much more Reno when he's fucking, where it's just like there's no time, but also somebody is smoking while wearing an oxygen tank. Oh, dude, I was in Laughlin. I had a fucking ashtray attached to the cane. Someone had a little attachment where you clip your ass. Like, whoa, hey, you got to fucking hobble around.

You better be smoking. I mean, you're in Laughlin, baby. It was the fucking saddest shit of all time. Yeah, I had something else to say about Cumming. Yeah, Tom is known for his jets. Yeah, jets. Yeah, which he comes really far. Whoa, good for you, buddy.

Yeah, well, it's not like it's an attractive thing. No one's like, oh, yeah, the distance, you know, but I'm proud of it. That's why I've been telling you, you've got to go start hitting on girls that do the shot put, you know, because, first of all, you'll have the same body type. That's number one. You can share a wardrobe, you know, the outfits. It'll be a bonding experience there. Sure.

And they'll be able to respect. They'll be like, wow, that looked like about four yards. That's pretty good. I don't know if I can make it four yards. Four yards is 12 feet. I know. That's pretty far. Is that?

I mean, that's across this room. Yeah, you could do that. You could hit that wall from back there. I could hit that wall. That wall? On a fly? On a fly. Tom, do it right now.

I'm not going to do it right now. Shut up. Do it right now. That wall on a fly? On a fly. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to do it right now. Shut up. Do it right now. That wall on a fly? On a fly. Yeah. I'm not talking like... I was about to say, like, I don't want you skipping it off the ground.

I don't want you to skip it off the tile and then it splatters up onto the side of the No, I hit the low end of the wall. I'm talking, like, on the wall. If anything, I think you'd want to shoot up. If you shot the high end, I'd be worried, bro. If you hit the high end of the wall, you're like, knock that wall down. Well, Tom was a mortar technician in Iraq. He understands ballistics.

There's no way you can hit that wall. You can hit that wall. You can come on an unarmed civilian from hundreds of yards away. I'm not saying I can knock the whiteboard off, but I think I can hit the bottom of the wall. If you can even hit the wall, that's impressive. That's like seven, eight feet. Genuine proposition for you. We won't film it or put it up because I know you're weird about it.

If we take bets on how far you can come, can we have you test it? By the way, cheap plug here. I'm starting a No Joke, a gambling podcast with the All Things Comedy Network where we're going to gamble on something different every week. And this is honestly one of the things that we're going to do. Oh, I'd be just as jealous. It's going to be a real later in the, like, when we down the road episode. I don't think it's going to happen. Yeah, when you've got to talk.

First week, I have. You don't want to open it up. I've got people talking football. Next week, Tom. We're taking a bit of a turn this week, guys. A little bit of a left turn on this one. Okay. Nick Kroll will be back to talk the Emmys next week.

I've got Tom shooting ropes across the fucking room. Shooting ropes. Dude, that's impressive. And I would say two to one, you can't do it. Three to one, you can't do it. All right, if I already came that day, I can't do it. If I haven't came in like three days, I can't do it. Now I also agree with the heft of your load.

The heavier the load, the more you're going to travel. Yeah, yeah. So I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility, but I'm saying. I think I can hit the low end of the wall. I think you can land it right in one of those shoes. That's 100%. When we do this test, we're not changing anything in this room. Whatever I hit, I hit.

You mean like we're not clearing stuff out as is? We're going to release a bird that that baseball player pegged from earlier in the room. Whatever I hit, I hit. You mean like we're not clearing stuff out? As is? We're going to release a bird that that baseball player pegged from earlier in the conversation. It's like a mini golf course. It's obstacles. I don't know if you guys are ever boring enough like me to watch the long drive competitions in golf, but every once in a while the shank went off to the left and the right. We're going to keep Connor's computer as is right there just in case an errant load. Can I move?

Do I have to be there? We're all here. Deadline. The Mythbusters are getting back together, and you won't believe what. Well, yeah, we fed them a diet of Funyuns to coagulate the cum and make it more dense and projectile-like. Well, yeah, the cum was going to be hilarious. This is how far you've gone down from fighting Luis Gomez. Just challenging your own cum to a race around the room.

Steve's like, well, yeah, me and Eric Griffin will laugh at your boner if you want. I mean, yeah, we can validate parking and you can plug your you can plug the angry guys or what's your podcast? It would be great if you did that, but that's about seven feet. That would be super impressive.

Yeah, this is happening. For sure. I'll come back and be a guest again if you're gonna just do that. Okay. Alright. So we'll do it in a year. You'll have a year to prepare, Tom. Alright, alright. I'll train for this. I don't even need to train for this. I can hit that wall. You've been training for this, dude.

He sets a fucking Siri semi alarm for September 8th, 2018. I need about 72 hours to train for this load off I'm about to fucking spray down. Twisted Nerve Productions is America's most trusted name in tasteful memorial events. There's never been a national tragedy too heavy for us to tackle. And through it all, you've been there every step of the way. You tore, tore, tore it up at our Pearl Harbor Beach Party Bonanza. George Bush might not care about

black people, but you did when you got butt nasty in our annual Hurricane Katrina wet t-shirt contest. And now we're taking on the granddaddy of all disasters. That's right. Twisted Nerve is coming to New York this 9-11 and we're ready to help you solemnly memorialize the lives lost that fateful day

until your motherfucking head collapses. We're cramming a propane tank full of somber reflection up your dick hole, and we're shooting at it with the unlicensed handgun of reverent celebration. It's September 11th, 2005. Come on down to One World Trade. We've got music, food, merchandise that rides the thin line between patriotism and full-blown racism. We paid a brown guy 200 bucks to dress up like Bin Laden

and put on one of those foam suits they use to train police dogs. And you can go hog wild on him with a golf club and work through some ugly feelings. Worried about yelling Islamophobic shit in public? Don't even trip. He's Guatemalan. We booked special celebrity guests. Mark Wahlberg is taking a break from filming his 86th movie this week to come let chicks touch his muscles and remind you that everyone on United 93 would still be alive if they knew karate.

Rudy Giuliani is gonna be there because fucking of course he is. A man so committed to honoring 9-11, his teeth look like what's left of Building 7. He's soaking up the memory of the last time in human history he wasn't thought of as a ghoulish butthole. Rudy's going to drive a fire truck right to the middle of the party. Think he should ride on the back and an actual firefighter should be driving? Well, so did they, but he was uncomfortably insistent. Speaking of which, we here at Twisted Nerve have the utmost respect for our first responders.

That's why we're honoring the New York Fire Department with an erotic, adults-only event, 6911. We've got the finest and desperate Teen Mom cast members greasing up a fire pole with their slippery lips. Make sure you bring singles, because Bernanburly's kids need food, and MTV doesn't fuck with residuals. It's guaranteed to be a little sexier than it is sad. So stop by for a show hotter than a steadily approaching wall of flame that's guaranteed to keep your South Tower

standing tall. We put the finest in bands that need a gig now the county fair season is over. We're talking Three Doors Down, Puddle of Mud, a very confusing performance by Smash Mouth. Move over, Reflecting Pool, because we've got Drowning Pool with a special meet and greet with the bass player

because he's the guy selling churros. Crazy Town is headlining, and you bet your ass Giuliani is coming back on stage. He's taking the mic from the singer during Butterfly, and he is insisting that he sing the song even though he clearly doesn't know the words. And at some point, he'll probably just start singing the lyrics to Macarena. But do you think Crazy Town gives a shit?

Hell no. They're just excited to get a check. Tickets are on sale now. Proceeds go to help firemen suffering from lung disorders because they breathed in ash that turned out to be made of dead guys. Gang. Don't miss out on an event you'll never forget. Well, Tom lives in that kitchen over there.

You walked through his room earlier. Tom was describing his beat-off process, and he was like, well, I usually warm up in my bed, and then I go into the bathroom. Great, your toilet kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no good place to jack off here.

The best place would probably be the roof for the roommates. I know, probably the best. Yeah. Worst for the neighborhood. I've gotten jacked off on that roof before. best place would probably be the roof for the roommates. That's probably the worst for the neighborhood. I've gotten jacked off on that roof before. Getting jacked off on the roof

sounds a lot better than just going directly to the roof to just start jerking off. That sounds... Yeah. I've had sex on a roof but never jerked off on a roof.

Yeah, that's kind of a weird thing to do to go by yourself because you didn't also... You didn't even know you were going to get jerked off when you went on that roof. I had a question, though. If you did go to the roof to jerk off, can we keep talking about this? Yes. Would you jerk off on the roof, or would you shoot it off the side?

Okay, and if a dog wore pants, would he wear them? Oh, I don't... I think you'd keep it on the roof. I'd probably try to hit that wall. No one uses that wall. Keep it out of everyone's way. Could you try to Tom Cruise it? Like try to jump it from wall to wall,

like one roof to the other? Oh, hang on. Here's an idea. Tom's being very liberal with his use of my walls when he lives in a room that only has three of them. It's four feet of coverage. Okay, what if you're on a roof and you just come on another building

and then try and get it to stick so you can Spider-Man across? Yeah, yeah. That would be fun. That would be fun. I'm too heavy, though. I don't think it would support me. Well, yeah, but other than that, it would definitely work if you can get down to 160.

I felt less weird about getting jerked off on the roof than I did about the fact that that girl also peed on our roof. Who peed on your roof? The girl who jerked me off. Oh, really? Like, on the roof? Yeah, she just popped a squat in the corner or something. Nah, pretty dead center. Pre or post jerk off?

Because then I'd be like... I believe it was pre. Yeah, of course it's pre. Post, you'd be like, hey. What are you doing? You have to have the smell get him going. I'm a pheromone-based creature. Yeah, that's how you attract him.

I mean, you just get a woman who does sex work to pee somewhere. Yeah, I'm like a bear. I just follow the smell of hooker pee. Oh, yeah, Keith's in heat. What we're getting at here, Steve, is we're the real deal. We're out here living the life. Yeah, we're just having sex in Tempe and peeing on stuff. You know, like cool guys.

Yeah, Tempe, by the way, would be a good spot, if we're going back to that, for you to get laid. Yeah, I'm not worried about it. We're worried about it. Yeah, I know you guys are. I need you to fuck so I can stop hearing about your protein intake. What? I feel like I hear a lot of rambles about your nutrition and your plans for the future

that would be truncated if you were fucking someone. You guys just want me to talk about getting laid. Or anything but what you talk about. I always bring home some fun pussy stories to tell with the boys over the campfire at the end of the night. And then Tom's like, yeah, I found this new granola bar. Zero net carbs. It's so good. And I'm like, buddy, I don't care.

I was watching old Tyson fights from the Catskills. I don't even really fucking tell anyway. You guys wouldn't hear about it to begin with. Well, you should is what we're getting at. I'm glad we're going to have this conversation about our listening skills with our family therapist, Steve. I know, guys. We're running out of fuck stories. How do we keep a marriage together, Steve?

I don't know. Because this podcast is experiencing a lot of friction. You guys seem like you're in a good place. I mean, you roasted each other on TV naked, so you don't seem... I'm sure there's a little bit of infighting, but... We do all right. Yeah, we do pretty good. Is it like a ban, though, to keep the three of you kind of together?

Or do you fight ever? We communicate pretty good, honestly. We fight, but we make up pretty much immediately. You know what it is? I feel like you and me fight every once in a while. And then you and me, generally, I can just tell when you're not going to talk to anybody for three days. You kind of start lurking around. So I just leave you alone.

The things that usually bring these things down are the effort level, when one person's like, I put in all the effort, and the other person doesn't. Right. That's when it usually starts to break down. I think we all do a pretty good amount of work. I'd say Connor does most of the heavy lifting. He does a lot of the writing. You guys do way more writing than I do.

I do all the boring shit. Yeah. Like the computer shit, right? Yeah, yeah. I was just trying to make a heavy lifting joke as far as I'm concerned. I got it. I'm very fat.

That's damn fine. Plus Tom on top, too. So when America decided you were a traitor, what did you do? Heavy lifting, like, I don't know, steel beams, perhaps?

Maybe those would be heavy enough to lift? Like the flag the fire fighters put down? Yeah, the freedom tower. I saw all that. You know what's funny? I was talking about people who genuinely didn't remember the 9-11 thing.

So I just want to start a game of telephone where you're worse and worse. Do you know Steve planned 9-11? Yeah. He actually, people were trying to get out, and he was throwing people back in. The 13th hijack. Yeah, he held a big trampoline underneath so when people would jump out of the way, they'd just bounce back into the building. Oh, please.

Please. People are great. And a giant game of telephone would be wonderful with 9-11, right? To pass around America in this day and age the way people love to just, yeah, talk and shit. Forget it, dude. You look like you love this idea. Oh, yeah.

I love this idea, Tom. As much as I would love to watch you fight i don't know luis gomez yeah i'd enjoy that too you really would yeah i would yeah we try we try we try we try like you are in no way relevant absolutely not is that the only reason he said no pretty much he was just like yeah yeah i have no way to win here if i beat the show it just looks like i'm beating up some dude and if you beat me then i'd fucking that's a no-win situation which is fair it's a fair that's a fair fair point for him well and he was like tom has 800 twitter followers now if somebody wanted to have 900 lewis is a faggot and then should fight tom who had a bunch of well no because i think tom's

gonna beat him up that's why yeah that's what we want to happen oh i don't want to watch you get beat up i but i think that maybe you think that you're going to win. Wait, wait. You said you think Lewis is going to beat Tom up? Yeah, yeah. I think it would be a great fight. I think I could win, yeah. You look truly confused.

I don't know. I just don't think he could. I mean, I think anyone could win in a fight, but the way they set it up, like the rules and stuff like that, he's way bigger than you. He is way bigger. What are they going to do, ban childhood trauma? I don't think you can stop the wrecking ball that is Tom Gott. He's got some pretty deep shit, too, though.

That's true. It would be great to see our demons against each other. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Dead parents versus the failures of California's mental health system. That's what I'm saying. Not only. Ari Shafir's conniving jewelry production presents the Puppet Master. An evening of third-rate podcasters hurting themselves for literally dozens of gas digital subscribers.

Streaming it for free on the Opie and Anthony subreddit. At the Hollywood Park Casino. You can stop at Wendy's after. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not, and we haven't announced this on the podcast. I'm not going to fight him. He was very cool. He had been on the show.

I'm going to fight someone else, and I don't know. Oh, good. You should definitely fight someone, though. And I said you should do that ring thing where they do, like, the seats. They do, like, the musical chairs. And the two people are just there and have to fight each other. That sounds hilarious. I'd love to cross off the buggy list of actually having

an MMA fight. That's not really dignified enough for Tom, a man who wants to come across the room. I'm trying to do what they dignify did my life. And it's get beat up by someone you've hurt. Yes, I know. It's a lot, dude. I know. I trained before.

I trained Muay Thai, not for very long. So if you, okay, hypothetically speaking. Yeah, I did a sit-up in 98. Yeah, but you told me you weren't going to train for the shoot-off. It would take you three days to shoot for that. Well, I don't need to. I can beat a wall without training. I don't know if I got out.

I know my opponent, and it's an easy one. My opponent. You mean like distance? Yeah. Your opponent. Yeah, I guess. Your opponent is gravity. You're my opponent. You mean distance is your opponent? Your opponent is gravity. You're fighting the Earth. What are you, fucking Galactus? I know my opponent. You guys know gravity. I know gravity. You're going to

take down Chris Hardwick with your cum? Is that what you're going to do? How come this becomes your thing where you're just like coming on every famous wall? Okay, I got merlin yeah my chism is undefeated i don't call it chism my dude oh oh donald trump looks like tom goss has other plans uh protest jack you build that wall i'll shoot it down knocking bricks out how long would you train for an mma fight i mean if If you had a fight, like, if they were like,

all right, you're going to fight Lewis in November. Which I'm not doing. I mean, I'd start training now. You would? Yeah. You'd train every day? I would train every day I could. I still have...

I'm on the road and shit, but every day I could, I'd train, yeah. You would take it seriously and all that shit? I'd take it super seriously. He's already been making calls to gyms and stuff. He really is taking it upset and seriously. No, I'd go... Yeah. He's already been making calls to gyms and stuff. He really is taking it upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying it seriously. No, I go, yeah. He's training for a hypothetical fight right now. Because some of these, like Tripoli told me, he did that same thing.

He did that round robin. I go, well, when did you start training? He goes, I was drinking beforehand. He just went out and started swinging. Well, no, he was like, he didn't train at all. He literally just drove to Vegas and then put on the outfit and got in the ring. Here's the other thing. No matter who I fight, they're going to be taller than me. They're going to

have more reach. I need to have the training. That's the only thing. It's tall, too. He's like six foot. Yeah, no, everyone's... And when I sparred, everyone I sparred against was taller than me. I never had... But maybe you're like Daniel Cormier. The rules...

Don't bring fucking Tyson into everything. The rules state that Tom does get a sling. He's allowed one sling in the ring. All right, guys. We're going to get into our mailbag. We have some questions for you. I've got to do one thing really quick. I think there's this guy, PJ Stansberry.

He used to be one of the Scum Bunch at the Comedy Store in the early 2000s. What is the Scum Bunch? The Scum Bunch was a group of fellas. No way. I thought that was a bunch of hot dames. That would hang out at the comedy store and fuck and just – like they would fuck anything. They fucked everything and anything. Right.

And multiple people on one girl and they would take a girl back to a hotel and fuck her and then leave and then charge stuff like breakfast and all this stuff to the room. The worst – the Scum Bunch. Okay. The kind of things you would – and so he was a member of – like fuck her and then like leave and then charge stuff like breakfast and all this stuff to the room. Like the worst, the scum bunch, you know, like the kind of things you would. And so he was a member of the scum. I can see you censoring stories in your head. I don't want to mention names of the exact people,

but they're all like, you know, PJ have no problem. PJ would also self-admitting, like pretty much terrible, you know, person. PJ Stansbury sounds like a bad car dealership, bro.

Fucking Stansbury sold me a lemon, you know? Yeah, but he fought, like, they went to this boxing match. He fought Davey Westy. You know Davey Westy? Oh, yeah, yeah. So he fought him. But he would be a good person for you to fight. He's short, too, and he's kind of tough.

The Irish Goodbyes guys are making a campaign. One of the Mikes or something. Yeah, they're both Mikes. Mike Keeney or Cannon. Mike Cannon. Yeah, we got a small Twitter engagement over that What, from the Dojo?

The Steve Byrne show? No, no, no Oh, I'm a New York guest One of the guest digital shows that nobody listens to Yeah, we were voting to step down Lewis and Eddie Dweeb Well, no, that puts us in Lewis' situation Because it's like, do you want to fight the fat one from the three mix?

Tell the same seven stories about drinking podcast on the racism network. That's five thousand miles away. And it's like, I don't know. I guess we can't find anybody better. I guess we both know they probably do better numbers than us. I don't think we had Lisa Ann on one time. Yeah, it was lit, dude. When we talk to you, when you have Steve Ranzisi on 9-11.

Yeah, that's right. Twice. Twice. That's right. I fucking, yeah. It's so cool you fucking came back. I still can't believe it. I thought, you know what I thought you were going to do?

What? I thought we were going to put out the tweets and all the info and shit like that. And then you're going to go. And then you weren't going to show up. See, they're lying about me being there. I don't want to open up any more can of worms for myself. I'm here so that three people go, he was here. We saw him.

We had a good time. We laughed. And that's it. Because I know at one point you were like, well, I could cancel. But God. Yeah. Tomorrow I just stay to keep myself to myself. I turn off comments.

Yeah. I'll go out very often. It's a very quiet day. We don't know about this shit. We think it's funny. What is your 9-11 day now? After this came out, do you just go to a silent meditation retreat? No, I just am quiet tomorrow. I do the kid stuff.

I go to the country club with Les and Chris. We all just kind of commiserate. I sit with Louie and we talk. No, I just am quiet. I'm not going to look at social media. Yes, people will Absolutely Yeah Tomorrow

100% Yeah I mean People do like Like a month ago When it was like Not even around it They still wanna do that And then everybody

Remembers There's like Oh yeah Let's fuck with Steve's day Yeah Well yeah Everyone takes their box Out of the league

And puts it at half mast On the show The tough part Is because like I have to like Look at it Cause some of them Are like kind of funny And I'm like Do I block this person Or now is because like I have to like look at it because some of them are like kind of funny

and I'm like do I block this person or do I not? So I have to like look at their like history of like are they funny? What's their intent? Yeah, yeah.

And then like no I won't like and then other ones I'm just like block, block, block. Yeah, it's like are they being an asshole to me or are they just making a joke? Yeah, just block, block, block.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say it's like I was thinking about like sort of the whole thing it feels like so quaint for that to be a comedy controversy since now it's just everyone raping everybody. I was.

Well, not none of this. Well, it's funny. Yes, it's funny because we're on the Mean Boys podcast. It's funny to the people that are listening to no one's listening. Not to my mother. But anyway, I was watching Tiger Woods this morning and I'm like, fuck, could you imagine? Like, that's nothing now. Like what that guy did.

He cheated on his wife. Yeah. And we all found out about it. He didn't beat anyone. He didn't throw a hooker through a wall or any of that shit. None of that. Yeah. Which was kind of like, oh, I expect Tiger Woods to throw a hooker through a wall.

None of that's coming out now. Yeah. Yeah. So we had a guy ask, what do you think the most positive thing to come out of it was? Was there any kind of silver lining where it was kind of like, oh, this was a learning experience or whatever, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

That especially, well, I guess if you have kids Like That it will Everything you say and do Going forward Will stick with you So If you've made a mistake Or you weren't

Confident enough To be who you were In that moment Go ahead and correct it When you When you know you should correct it Because It's not gonna go away

Yeah Yeah It's just not It's kind of like Rip the mandate off You know Yeah Even when you think it's like gone And no one really It's not going to go away. It's just not. It's kind of like rip the mandate off. Even when you think it's gone and it's not ever really gone. Just try to play above board.

We've never made a mistake so I think we'll be okay. We're squeaky clean. That and one of the thousand memes I have with me burning alive in front of the World Trade Center. That's... I mean, those are the only two good things. I was trying to learn Photoshop.

500's a bit much, Connor. I know you were in your Photoshop class. Yeah, if I only try 6,000. Look, I got to get an A in my Photoshop class. I had an internship at the Troll Factory over in Russia, and I thought I was going to pan out. All right, Grant Baxter asks, what's the worst thing you've ever smelt? Me? I could probably have fart from Snark Week.

Oh, God. You piece of shit. Yeah, when I farted on us. Yeah, Connor basically shit his pants in the studio. Was that Snark Week or Nice Boys? That was when we did Nice Boys. Oh, my God. We do an episode where we all have to be very nice to each other.

It's just kind of a fuck what you did. And guess what? Is it roast with compliments? That's the whole bit. Yeah, it's just very like, you know, we have a game called the Glad Bag, and it's just like, ooh, who wrote Fluffy Bunnies? Yeah.

I did. It's just kind of a troll episode. Yeah, we do it April Fool's. We have only two traditions on this podcast. You were number one, and Nice Boys is number two. Yeah, and when we posted, we said that Andrew Dice Clay was on the show, and a bunch of people kept afterwards, kept saying, oh, you...

People were very mad about that. The best part was people that don't, like, that pretend to like your career or whatever, like, oh, I listened to the Dice episode. It was great. And I'm like, no, you didn't, because it wasn't Dice at all. Yeah, yeah. But Connor shit his pants during Nice Boys. We're all trying to be nice to each other, and it was the grossest fucking smell I've ever...

Oh, yeah, Tom almost threw up in his mouth. Yeah. All I eat is carne asada and pharmaceutical drugs, so I really don't have a great digestion. The engine of this bad machine is not, like, well-oiled in the least. Your ass ripped a hole in the ozone. That thing was fucking gnarly. We went back in time. When you start to make money, it's going to happen, but when it does, is that going was fucking gnarly when when you start to make money it's

going to happen but when it does is that going to be a shift of focus for you like are you going to like i'm going to start eating better like i wonder with guys like you that are used to like just living in filth and like and like is that just the crossroads i'm at right now i mean i'm not kidding like i pay my credit card debt and i have five thousand dollars yeah and i'm like well i don't know what to do with my life now i have no like i'm not like. I pay off my credit card debt and I have $5,000. And I'm like, well, I don't know what to do with my life now. I have no, like, I'm not. Like, you can eat other things besides carne asada. Yeah, but I'm like, I don't deserve that.

This is good timing for me to have to borrow money from. Exactly. It's always like, oh, I got to go back to Bakersfield. And then I'm like, wait, no, I don't. I'm like, but if I don't, then how am I going to, ah. Like, it's, you know, I'm trying to, I got an air conditioner. Now I don't know what to do, you know. Yeah. It's going to be fun to watch the conditioner. Now I don't know what to do.

It's going to be fun to watch the whole... How you're trying to figure your shit out. I'm like, do I get a drug problem? Or do I eat well? Or get a drug problem? I feel like you're either going to become a cool fitness guy or just a straight-up cocaine freak. All I did was buy a fanny pack on the internet so far. Why did you do that?

I don't know. I thought it would be funny. It's funny that you did it. I remember when you texted me, bad news, gang, the fanny pack sucks. I'm like, I'll pull it out over here. It's not a good one? No, it's not. I thought it was canvas, but it's this weird.

Dude, you bought a retro one from a lady. That fell out of a fucking... Well, it looks like I'm keeping my pepper spray in here in case I get assaulted in the park. You bought a fucking uterus with an Adidas logo on it. I did, yeah. It comes with a Curves franchise. Well, it looks like I'm keeping my pepper spray in here in case I get assaulted in the park. You bought a fucking uterus with an Adidas logo on it. I did, yeah. It comes with a Curves franchise. I don't know why I put it on like an necklace.

No, dude. You got to get like a good one with many pockets. Okay. Wait, am I going to buy a fucking fanny pack? Or don't buy a fanny pack. Yeah. I like you forgetting that Steve is also just a father. If you're trying to build up your credit score, you start with a Costco membership. Next thing you know, you get an auto loan in there and you're ready to buy a home, slugger.

What do you carry that justifies the fanny pack? Phone chargers, snacks. You have a backpack and a car. Well, I know, but if we're out in the town. We're never out on the town. If we're out on the town, you definitely wear that fanny pack. You don't leave this room. I don't really.

You sit in here, jerk off, and think about Star Trek, and then we do a show sometime. That's 100% of your life. I also sometimes fuck people and tell them about Star Trek. Thank you very much.

All right, whatever. Think about yourself in that club the other night with a fucking fanny pack on. You would have been murdered. By the way, that whole story was just like, oh yeah,

I met some people who weren't white. That was most of the fucking... It was pretty crazy. Yeah, it was pretty nuts. I i hung out with i was trying to get some conversation moving all right it's the worst thing we've ever smelled oh the most thing i ever smell i took my wife's belly button ring out oh shit oh no super super close because i was like i don't want to hurt her so i was like and it was right here and it was the terror like besides i wanted like i've smelled terrible shits and farts

And stuff Right But non like Shit fart smell That was the worst That's fucking Yuck For like years

It was in there Oh my god That's real real fucking gross It's like you popped the cork On like a stink champagne Yeah Right in my face Oh hell yeah

Isn't that great When you get a smell You'll just never unsmell Like you'll remember that forever I don't know if this is a layup question But Jim Richards asked Can Steve do any impressions? Who did Ari?

I do Brody. Okay, what's your Brody? You, McSpadden, calm yourself. Calm yourself. Know your place. It's not here. It's not in front of these people. You're angry.

I was just therapeutic. Yeah, yeah. Hi, Mr. Manizzini. Thank you for coming back to the show. What short story would you recommend for someone just getting into the genre? It's a good time to plug your podcast. Oh, yeah. The one, Heart of Darkness, that Dave Taylor did.

Okay. It's like 100 pages. Really? That's a short story, right? Yeah, I think so. Short enough. Yeah, or a novella. I don't know, Tom.

Or a novella. A novella is between a novel and a short story. I really didn't expect that to come from you. Yeah, I'm very surprised. You're saying it very confidently, but we both know you don't know if you're right. No, I know I'm right. I don't know if I said it pronounced it correctly novella yeah yeah yeah yeah it's between yeah it's between a short story and a novel yeah do we have a

voicemail we do have some voicemails oh sweet let's hear what the listeners have to say yo short bus murphy here again this is our list of short bus murphy who drives a short bus okay some advice from you fellas all right so the thing about me and my old ladies that we got one of those freaky hippie swinger open relationship things going on last week we're both hanging out we're at the bar i end up taking this chick on this fucking hippie chick she ends up going home with one of her other friends and fucking on the trampoline in the backyard of the kids at school but so this chick's been i don been... I don't even... Trampoline? I heard trampoline with the kids

and I got real worried. And that's cool. Yeah, okay. Everybody loves a trampoline. She got named. Whatever, bounce up, bounce down. Have you guys ever fucked on a trampoline? That sounds like it would be fun, actually.

I figured you were on a trampoline once. My friend was finger-banging under a trampoline and my other friend was on mushrooms on the trampoline and he pissed and it fell on him. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Shout out to James from California. What's good, buddy? Just wanted to put his last name and

social security number out there. Oh, sure, yeah. And with like all of our friends. She's cool and shit and like whatever, but she's just a little bit of a free spirit. I don't know whether or not she's trying to fucking curse me or what, but since then it's been a lot of like, oh gee, she's just a little bit of a free spirit. I don't know whether or not, like, she's trying to fucking curse me or what. But since then, it's been a lot of like, oh, gee, I'm sorry. I forgot to check my tax.

Normally, that'd be like a sign to fucking bail. But I've been hanging out with one of my other friends. I love this dude. We used to be in a band together until I got kicked out for getting drunk and shoving him around. But, you know, to be fair, he's a bass player. So we get one of those really competitive friendships. Like, if he's got something, I got to fucking take it from him. So what do I do here?

How do I fuck this up for them without making it obvious that I'm fucking it up for them? Because at this point, I could take her at labor, obviously, like, whatever. I got my girlfriend. We're cool. But he can't win. So how do I make it so he doesn't win? Alright. Thank you guys. Okay, man.

You do not sound like a... Healthy. Mentally healthy. This is a good attitude for any kind of polyamory sexually open relationship. Hey, Shortbust Murphy. What do you expect with a name like Shortbust Murphy? That's a fair point. Yeah.

I vaguely understand. I heard a lot of muttering something about a trampoline and then you're trying to cuck your friend I think is what's going on. Well, yeah, his friend, he's in an open relationship

and he wants to fuck a lady but she's hanging out with his friend and he wants to, like, own him, I guess. You're in an open relationship. You should go fuck different ladies.

Just fuck anybody that's not that lady. How do I make sure he can't win? Is it real? That's a tough way to end a conversation. Yeah anybody that's not that lady. How do I make sure he can't win? Is it real? That's a tough way to end a conversation. Yeah, that's a dark indication. Think about how ugly that sentence is.

I don't think that guy's going to win. No. I don't. And I just hope that he's motivated. Not only here, but not in life. He's like, well, hey, mean boys, I got my forklift driver's license taken away after I was playing Minecraft Mobile again, and I killed a kid, whatever. I'm moving trampolines.

Anyway, my question is, I'm trying to win a chili cook-off so I can cuck my neighbor. Would you recommend cayenne pepper or just a standard blend? Thank you very much. I don't really care about chili. I just want to make sure my dad never smiles again. I'll take my answer off the air. Yeah, fucking chill out, Murph. Go have fun.

Don't be an asshole. People who do that ruin weird swinger kinky sex shit for everybody else. Enjoy that open relationship quality of the open relationship. Yeah, bang, bang, people. Hey, mean boys. I was just listening to the most recent episode, and the dude called in about his roommate's friend killing herself, and Connor suggested that they listen to the podcast.

I just wanted to let you all know that... Always be promoting. You know, like Len Gary, Glenn Ross. Is this going to be another suicide voicemail? Oh, no. I hope not. My best friend killed himself. Fuck.

You can listen to Hear Me This Book every week with Steve Renzisi. We've had a rash of listener suicides. And I'm not laughing at that. I'm just laughing at having to say that sentence. Yeah, man. I'm sorry. Guys at that. I'm just laughing at having to say that sentence. Yeah, man. I'm sorry. Guys. Do we want to cut this part out?

No, I think we should talk about it. I don't know. I mean. Sorry, Steve. No, no. Let's talk about it. I'm glad I came today. Yeah.

What's going on? You guys are losing. People are killing. Yeah. It's really fucking with our Patreon. It really is. Yeah. The bottom line is just plummeting lately because of.

We've had like three different people. And that fucking sucks, man. I don't know why it's happening. The Mean Boys love you. I talk to people on Instagram and all that shit all the time. So hit me up if you're bummed out. Likewise, we're all around. I did the same thing last night with somebody.

Should we at least finish their voicemail since they called in? No, that's it, dude. Just cut it off right there. I'm not paying attention anymore. Oh, wait. After a years-long battle with depression, and we listen to this shit together

all the time. Maybe you're not as good as you think. You're pretty fucking good, though. And you've been a big help since it happened, just reminding me that everything is bullshit, not just my own life. And just, I don't know, for the record, his three favorite sketches were fucking Simple Country Lawyer,

the Fudge Contest, and Guten Days. So, fucking you if I'm being honest, you probably kept them around for like maybe a week longer. Oh, shit.

That's not bad. Alright. Have a good one. I fucking love you guys. Oh, what an exit. What an exit from a conversation. To be honest, can I be honest with you guys? That's how you end a phone call, Short Buzz Murphy.

He probably kept her around for a week longer. What a duo you two are. Yeah. We're a true trio. We're a true trio. Yes, of course, Tom. I'm sorry, but the fact that you guys... Man, that's...

You're out there for the people like this. It's such a weird thing where it's like that genuinely does feel very nice, but I'm also like... It's very silly to me that somebody was like, oh, yeah, that sketch you did about the fudge god fucking kept me from killing myself for three more days. Yeah, man. Fuck, yeah, that sketch you did about the fudge god fucking kept me from killing myself for three more days.

Yeah, man. Fuck, man. We love you guys. We'll do a commercial for the suicide hotline. 3-0-4-8-0-5 mean. No, I'm kidding. All right. This one has the word testicle in the predictive text, so you know it's going to be lighthearted.

Yeah, my friend killed himself when he got diagnosed with testicle rot. They ripped both his balls out. Oh, man. Hello, Steven. It's your brother. I wanted to call you and tell you about father. His testicle enlargement surgery has gone well. And over this time, it will take.

Is this someone trying to do a bit? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we can go ahead. Was he talking to me? Maybe it's... Oh, yeah, your name is Stanton. Wait, let's see here. Is that my dad? I wanted to call...

Hello, Steven, it's your brother. I wanted to call... 513 area code? No, that's not my brother. Okay, well, he says otherwise. Sounds just like him, though. Let's listen on. I'm going to call you and tell you about father.

His testicle enlargement surgery has gone well. I think those Theranazis were a Sith family. I thought you were kidding. We're cut from Bane. It's your brother, Dr. Evil. They had to go back in so they could remove the fluid yet again. But he's

resting comfortably and hopefully he'll be back up and at him in no time with his reduced testicles. I just wanted to call and see how you're doing this weekend. Took Dolores out on the speedboat. What the fuck is this?

All our listeners, and this is the one that left. Now we're doing a weird Jamaican. Yeah, where is he now? Steve, doesn't this make you... Where in the world is this accent? Doesn't this make you miss the 9-11 talk? Oh, God. What I love most about this is just that it's a waste of a famous person's time.

I think that's the thing. Where it's like, oh, this guy's probably pushing a millionaire. And, yeah, he's currently in my bedroom hearing you do this bad bit that we can't even figure out what the bit is. This guy has... Is there an evil guy in your dad that has bigger nuts, I guess? Do you think this is the best version of this? Do you think you worked on this? Or do you think this is like a first take

and I'm just going to throw it out there? No, I think you workshopped it. I think you wrote down every word. I can just see our listeners sitting in front of the mirror just like, all right, so here's how I'm going to become a Mean Boys celebrity. I'm going to do my character, but sex will.

I'm going to call in when they get Jeff Ross and then all of a sudden I'll be on The Tonight Show. Yeah, I mean, keep taking swings, guys, but not once has this worked out for any of you. Yeah, I like it. Well, one guy said an N-word in the voicemail, and then he felt bad, and he sent us $200. Oh, yeah. Do that.

For what? Reparations. You guys are all white. I know. Hey, I'm not saying it works. We have a black roommate, and he didn't get any of the money, but we have one. Yeah, but we paid the rent on time that month. Yeah, exactly.

Wow. Well, that's the show. This guy should send us $200 for being bad at comedy. Yeah, that's the new rule. That was terrible. We got more, but I don't want to keep you, Steve. Fucking thanks for coming on. Hey, no worries, guys.

I love doing this podcast. Yeah, this is a fucking... Once a year. Yeah, once a year. A specific time. Yeah, fucking Steve's a great comic. Tom, you were telling me we were listening to some of your shit on Spotify, and you're fucking...

You're awesome, dude. Thanks, dude. Thank you very much. Thanks. Actually, I've seen you at the Comedy Store before, but I've never listened to your albums, and they were fucking great. Thanks, dude. Thank you.

Thank you, dude. Where did you learn to become such a good storyteller? I don't know. Yeah, I know. People are like, oh. I'm like, I still do that. That's what I do. Yeah, so you got Hear Me This Book.

Yeah, and then I'm going to start this. Yeah, Hear Me This Book every week on all things comedy, and then I'm going, I'd still do that. That's what I do. Yeah, so you got to hear me this book. Yeah, and then I'm going to start this. Yeah, hear me this book every week on all things comedy. And then I'm going to do this new podcast, gambling podcast, in the next two weeks I'm going to start it. Okay, fuck yeah. Yeah, and then we'll literally have an episode where maybe Tom can come on and we'll have a rope off. Maybe we'll do you versus a porn star. Oh, and how far? Dude, hell yeah.

Absolutely. A frozen rope rope competition a frozen rope? a coming roof full of liquid nitrogen the short bus would never believe how far I've came oh yeah Tom was in special ed now look at me now I'm coming in front of the league not Nick Caroll the other one do it for fun on the bus

we just did it for fun on the bus. We just did it for the love of the game. You said that like a rap intro. Like, we was just rhyming to pass the time, and now look at us. What a time, guys. What an adventure this podcast is. Yeah, yeah. Last night, Mark Duplass won an Emmy for that Wild Wild Country. Yeah, but you're doing good.

I'm here with you guys, guys. I'm sure Paul Shearer Loaned you 40 bucks What a life Where are the tour dates Posted at Oh yeah SteveRenazzisi.com

And I am going on tour I'm going to La Jolla At the end of the month And then Edmonton To the House of Comedy To the fucking mall And then I'm going on a tour With Sarah Tiana

For three weeks We're doing colleges Oh fuck yeah I love Sarah In the SEC Florida Nice Yeah

It's gonna be fun Sarah turned me on to cleaning my sneakers with a magic eraser. That's it? You haven't done that before? She's really funny, too, but, you know, I mean, she's got great... But also, great fucking DIY stuff.

Yeah, yeah, so go fucking see Steve out there on the road. And come see us out on the road first week of November. We're going all over the place, guys. Fucking Dallas and Houston and Austin and St. Louis. Yeah, Kansas City, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Nashville, Atlanta, Orlando.

Yeah, we're doing some live pods. We're doing some stand-up shows. Those will be a ton of fun. Tommy, guys, what do you got coming up? So on the 18th, I'm featuring in Dana Point at the Stillwater. On the 26th, I'm featuring at the Madhouse. In San Diego, I'm doing the Madhouse weekend on the 20th. I'm featuring at the Madhouse. I'm doing the, in San Diego, I'm doing the Madhouse Weekend on the 20th and 29th

as well. October 5th and 6th, I am featuring for Keith in Miami, Oklahoma. And, big announcement, I will be at the R-Tape Head Summer Love Festival in Porto, California. Why'd that get a laugh?

What's that? Why'd that get a laugh? Oh, because it's just a hippie music festival, and they're throwing a bunch of comics in a tent. It's good. I'm very interested. Yeah, Tom's going to stand up for a bunch of people tripping on fucking DMT. Yeah, it's... Oh, my God. Yeah.

It's a very important announcement. My dad's kids' tribute band, Room Service. No makeup tribute to Kiss playing at the Shamrock in Chino Hills on September 29th. I'm going to be there. Keith's going to be there. He told me to plug it. I'm plugging it. I talked to him about it

on the phone the other day. Yeah. October 5th and 6th headlining Miami, Oklahoma. October 12th and 13th headlining Laffs in Tucson. And October 24th through the 27th

headlining the Madhouse in San Diego. Cool. You're definitely getting laid in Tucson too. My girlfriend will be mad. Oh. Yeah.

Oh no, you're single. Yeah. This is the time to start the conversation. Man, let's end this goddamn show. Stop what you're doing. Steve, you're a gentleman.

We love you, dude. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me, guys. You're the best, dude. All right, bye everybody. Fuck everything the Doc is dead. I'm a great

student and great student and great student and great student and great student and great student and great student and great student and great student and great I'll see you next time.