Mean Boys - EP 153 - Count Sackula

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey there, Mean Boys listeners. Thanks for tuning in. We got a Just the Boys episode coming at you this week. Three of us. Just rocking it solo. Having a good time. Just the damn gang having a good time. We want to just take a quick second to say, for those of you tweeting us questions about the tour, it's in a little bit of a state of limbo right now because of some hypothetical confidential things. So the best thing to do is just keep your eyes filled with social media handles for announcements and get on the email list, which we will be dispatching all pertinent updates to.

Starting point is 00:00:31 So if you haven't done that yet, go ahead and go take a second to fill out our tour survey. We'll keep you up to date on everything. Yeah, without saying anything, there's cool shit happening, but we don't know when the cool shit is happening. So we may have to move some dates that we've already announced, but we're going to come see you guys. Yeah, we'll be out there. It may change a bit, but we're going to come see you guys. Yeah, we'll be out there. It may change a bit, but we'll figure it out. So we are very sorry about that, but it's kind of out of our hands. We just don't want you to think we're ignoring you because we have seen all the tweets.

Starting point is 00:00:54 Yes. And, you know, some good news. We do have some iTunes reviews from Singapore that I wanted to read. Every once in a while I have a service that forwards us our international reviews. You know, I just like to see what the crazy kids in New Zealand are saying about the podcast. By the way, we are a scant 43 away from Keith Carey's Mama Palooza. Oh, shit. Striking distance.

Starting point is 00:01:13 That is upsetting. If you want us to make the pilgrimage up to Grapevine and go exhume the fucking lady that Keith crawled out of, it's just like three clicks of a button and you're fucking home free. So hop on your Apple Podcasts app, leave us a five-star review, and you get to hear me talk about bestiality with a lady that is kind of a yoga teacher. I may or may not ask her to marry me. Just a little bit of a thing. My mom did text me today with a book she found in a used bookstore about the art of being a ninja,

Starting point is 00:01:40 so she's genuinely considering becoming a ninja on top of a yoga teacher. Wow. Not ironically. So your mom's just turning into an internet punchline from 2008. Yeah, my mom is just fucking this ninja. Ninjitsu meth queen. Yeah, she's becoming a hot topic fucking fanny pack from the second Bush term. So John Wang SG from Singapore writes.

Starting point is 00:02:03 John Wang? Yeah, John Wang SG. Number one American fat man. Tell a good joke. Excuse me, man. Also funny. Tom, prison is whale. Hey, Mean Boys.

Starting point is 00:02:15 Not sure if you're able to see this. I'm using a foreign version of iTunes. Ha ha. This is a podcast that cares, you son of a bitch. I can't see any of your current reviews, but here's hoping you guys know I really enjoy your show. I'm looking forward to Keith's mom on the show. It's going to be a blast. Thank you, buddy.

Starting point is 00:02:27 Thank you, Singapore. We got one other one from Canada. Great podcast from a bunch of guys who you can always count on to make you realize things could be worse in your life. That's right. We're the rock bottom podcast. Allow us to kneel before you so you can stand on our backs to get the cookie jar of content that we keep on top of the fridge. So thank you for leaving those. If you guys are not already, Mean Boys premium subscribers.

Starting point is 00:02:50 I don't know what you're waiting for. An extra hour of show every single week. Monthly goodies. We're making some iron-on patches so you can customize your fucking denim jacket and be the coolest kid in school and get pulled out when they see that you're supporting the memorabilia of a 9-11 mocking radio organization. I don't think we mock 9-11. We really respect the work 9-11 did.

Starting point is 00:03:12 Yeah. I don't know if it works hard, man. That's what comes down the pipes. We're pretty close to hitting two grand a month, which is when we're doing drumroll, Snark Week 2. God. And we all break up and go solo. The last episode we recorded, not this one, the next one that's coming out,

Starting point is 00:03:28 I almost died. I don't know how I'm fucking doing 14 podcasts. I'll tell you how we're going to do it, with a smile on our face because the fans paid us to. Tom may be dead. Yeah. Oh, but I burp into the microphone too much. Yeah, the Mean Boys lineup you love,

Starting point is 00:03:44 Connor, Keith, and I don't know, probably Kyle Clark. Snark me, bitches. Yeah, yeah. The point is, jump on the Patreon if you want to hear another Snark Week. And also because every dollar you give us keeps us from having to get a real big boy job. And we genuinely love making this show for you guys. And I think I lost my Postmates credit card. So, guys, I really don't fuck this over for me.

Starting point is 00:04:05 You can go and fucking jump on over to the Mean Boys subreddit. Our Mean Boys participate in some scintillating discussions with your fellow listeners about the show and all the characters surrounding it. Hot topics of speculation, like, what do you think Ramsey's up to? And what's Opie's whole deal? And is Kyle Clark going to come on again soon? You know, all that kind of, all the gossip is there. You know, some guys shared a sexy Shrek, which I thought was a fun deep cuts ref, you know.

Starting point is 00:04:31 It's sexy, I'm using pretty liberally, but yeah. I'm bummed out because I would kind of hit it. Yeah, I mean, you know. Shreks really appealing. Yeah, oh, hey, whoa, come on. We got a Discord channel. Don't really know what it is, but if you want to do that, it's in the show notes. And follow on Twitter, Instagram, and subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Starting point is 00:04:50 Yeah. So, yeah. Fucking just go click a few buttons. Support your boys. That's a nice free way to put a smile on our motherfucking face. And I think that's about it. Right, gang? I think so.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Oh, thank you. Don Carlos, our sponsor. Yeah. Thank you to Eatabrito.com. Don Carlos' stock shop. You guys just stopped by there pretty recently. Yeah, thank you to eataburrito.com. Don Carlos' stock shop. You guys just stopped by there pretty recently. Yeah, we did.

Starting point is 00:05:11 It was delicious as fuck. It's fucking fantastic. I got to plan my trips to San Diego better because a lot of times when I go down there, I have to fucking compromise and stop at an inferior burrito place. I will always try and leave early to make sure there's Don Carlos time. I've never gone to a show with you, and it switches out whose fault it is. We're not running 40 minutes late. I get there. Oh, actually, the last one.

Starting point is 00:05:31 That was the first time. I remember, where did we go where it was like, all right, it's eight hours away, and we left. The show's in seven hours. It's always funny when I'm late as shit to a show that's like 1,000 miles away, and I'm like, oh, fuck, this is going to be. Yeah. Peeing in a lot of water bottles to save time on this one yeah uh so yeah go go fuck with don carlos and uh other than that just sit back relax and enjoy this week's episode of the mean boys podcast with just us your faithful mean boys or whatever Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Starting point is 00:06:16 We all die alone and most of us live that way too. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... The owner of a racist pizza place. Yeah, Tom, when he wears a wife beater, just looks like he believes every wrong. Spadden. And I'm the owner of a racist pizza place. Yeah, Tom, when he wears a wife beater, just looks like he believes every wrong thing.

Starting point is 00:06:30 Isn't that uncanny valley between fat and buff where he just looks racist? Yeah, like the strong fat is the number one archetypical body of the racist man. I like pizza and push-ups. You look like you're lifting just to get like upper body strength to push Koreans out of your store.

Starting point is 00:06:50 Not today, Wu-Ping. Yeah, you're like, look, I just got to be strong enough to bully the Mexican teens to come and try to put lemonade in the water cups. Yeah, my arms are more of a Puerto Rican defense system than anything else. Yeah, I mean, that's what Reagan was trying to make with Star Wars. It didn't really work. I mean, that's what Reagan was trying to make with Star Wars. It just didn't really work. I mean, we faked it and all that. The satellite that melts

Starting point is 00:07:09 Puerto Ricans. Yeah, Tom came in and I was just setting up all the recording shit and then he says something and I looked up and I wasn't expecting him to be shaved and with no beard it just, like your face, it all kind of goes together. Yeah. What do you mean goes together?

Starting point is 00:07:26 You don't have that much of a chin, I guess. It's just all kind of like, it looks like your mouth is just at the top of your neck. Yeah, basically. You got throat mouth, my dude. Because also you're losing weight. You look like if Guillermo del Toro designed a landlord. Well, yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:45 It's also like, I mean, you don't have, like, you're losing weight, so you don't have a double chin to, like, separate it anymore. So it's somehow you lost weight and you look fatter. I look worse. Yeah, a little bit. I look worse because I don't have a double chin. Yeah, like you lean back a little bit and then you get, like, the little crease. I'm like, oh, there it is.

Starting point is 00:08:03 Yeah, you have a chin and a half. Yeah, but when you stand up straight, it's all just kind of the same color in there, and it just looks hilarious. You're poking your head at a proud bird. I need to not slouch in order for people to know that my face and neck are not the same thing. Well, yeah, just like someone drew a really good head on a thumb. You're the best looking thumb. Yeah, like one of those weird Tumblr posts that would go viral of like,

Starting point is 00:08:29 this artist painted a tiny perfect face on a thumb. And you're like, whoa, shit. I thought that was a dude. No, it's Tom. But I believed it was a thumb. Wow. Tom Goss man thumb. Yeah, I mean, I'll take a well manicured thumb.

Starting point is 00:08:43 I mean, that's better than. The nail is clipped. You looking sharp yeah yeah yeah well yeah before you know sludge face you know i sludge face i mean that's kind of what i was at before i mean i look terrifying spider-man fought in the 60s yeah sludge face is like the guy you fight before you get to the boss in the right yeah we're not done like mapping out the whole galactus arc so we're just gonna just do some filler shit with, I don't know, Thro's dart at board A. Sludge. Body part face.

Starting point is 00:09:10 Old sludge face. Oh man, that was almost slime knee again. I'm happy to know no matter how much weight I lose, I'm still gonna look hysterical. I will never... You have a buffoonish body. I really do. It's a well-kempt buffoonish body.

Starting point is 00:09:27 You look like you're about to get into trouble. Dude, I want to get jacked and then grow a clown shoe out of my shoulder or some shit. I'm never going to be able to just look good. I mean, your body's just gone through so many dramatic changes in your life. I was jacked, and then I was like 280 280 and now I'm like 200 or whatever. And now it's just it's like ping pong all over the place. It's like when a restaurant used to be a Starbucks and then it was Burger King. But we still got that one Burger King table in the Starbucks.

Starting point is 00:09:54 We got the McDonald's shaped sign with Burger King. It's like the Ross on Sunset where the sign is clearly from what used to be a circuit city. But yes, never changed. Or when it's like, oh, we bought this Vons. Now it's a John's. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like, how lazy do you used to be a Circuit City, but they just never changed out the red piling. Man, or when it's like, ah, we bought this Vons, now it's a Johns? Oh, yeah, when it's like, how lazy do you have to be that, like, one of your flags, like, the Ross on Sunset Boulevard has more eyes on it than probably any one other

Starting point is 00:10:14 except for maybe the one on, you know, the Vegas Strip. Right. So it's like, maybe make it a nice-looking Ross. It's one of the worst Rosses. Like, the Ross is blue. That's the Ross color, but they just look, ah, I mean'll just put the ross letters over we'll take the circuit city shit it's a ross yeah yeah and it's been like that as long as i can like when did circuit city go out of business long fucking like oh four i think yeah yeah oh four four oh five something like that yeah

Starting point is 00:10:39 i don't know what i'm getting at but your body is basically a circuit city i remember going through the elephant graveyard of a circuit city like two days before they were and like the employees are just smoking on the floor like they don't even care oh yeah yeah there's like oh you want this copy of the forgetting sarah marshall soundtrack it's three dollars oh my friends went and bought a bunch of like dnd shit from uh from borders when borders was going under and they're like dude 10 bucks i got all these mini figs you gotta get down get down there. And I was like, all right. I think I'm all right. I don't know that we should be doing these.

Starting point is 00:11:07 Yeah, my life is better not doing this. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Man, what was I going to say? Fucking, I don't know. Tom's body is hilarious. Yeah, it's always going to be hilarious. I feel bad. You look good.

Starting point is 00:11:20 You're losing a lot of weight. It's really. I like that I look good, but still hysterical. You're never going to not look good but still hysterical oh no i embrace it i don't want to look went from looking like a really like shitty like 25 year old to a really good looking 43 year old you age like several decades but you also look like you have your shit together you look like the second marriage but it's the one that's gonna stick all right all right i'll take it tom does have second marriage vibe yeah yeah that's the one that's going to stick. All right. All right. I'll take it. Tom does have second marriage vibe. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:47 That's a good Twitter bar. Second marriage material. Yeah. You're like a bank robber turned pretty good dad. Oh, yeah. It's like he's got a felony, but you let him babysit. It's all behind him. Right.

Starting point is 00:11:59 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I keep I rug burned my fucking knee having sex on the floor last night. And it's like really hurts. That's the fucking worst, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:09 Yeah, yeah. And I was, it was just like, as I was doing it, I was like, well, last time I did this, I rug burned my knees really bad. What do you do on your knees on the floor? I'd fucking Keith. That's what a bed is for. Yeah. But you know, spontaneous, spontaneous, spontaneous.

Starting point is 00:12:22 Throw it up there. Throw it. I mean, I don't know. It's fun though. I kind of like fucking on the floor. Clearly you're wounded. Well, I mean, yeah, sometimes it's nice. Iity throw it i mean i don't know it's fun though i kind of like fucking on the floor well i mean yeah sometimes it's nice i don't know why i mean you know you just look sex there's it's the same it's like mexican food it's the same three things and you just you gotta but oh now we're in the kitchen crazy you know like well no it's all there's a hard shell over the soft shit wow you know i i just uh i just think it's hilarious. I just was boxing right before this

Starting point is 00:12:46 I come back and Connor's like, my knee is all fucked up from sex. This knee is fucked up on me from sex. That's my left knee too. Is it the same knee? I'm the only person without a fuck injury.

Starting point is 00:13:03 I'm an ambidextrous. You bite right out of your left knee. My left knee and my right shoulder are the ones that get weird a fuck injury. It's like you bite right of your left. I mean, I'm a dexter. You bite right of your left. My left knee and my right shoulder are the ones that get weird when I fuck. Oh, yeah. It's like weird muscle things. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:10 That's just kind of how I prop myself up. Tom had his arm above his head and your armpit looks the way I imagine Keith's mom's pussy looks. Let me see your armpit. It's just like,

Starting point is 00:13:16 oh, yeah. I don't see anything coming out of that alive. It's all just stretch marks. There's a crease in the middle and then it's just fucking nappy-ass. I feel like my mom's pussy is, like, too bald.

Starting point is 00:13:26 Like, it's, like, shaved, but there's also two layers of skin missing. Well, I feel like your mom... It just kind of looks like Freddy Krueger's face. Like, I definitely do think your mom waxes her pussy, but I think everybody wishes she didn't. They're like, yeah, put a mustache on that. I think my mom waxes her pussy at home with, like, a Yankee candle. Like, she just... Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:42 No, it's like Kevin Spacey in Pay It and pay it forward you're like fuck dude grow a beard dan like fuck that's fucking gross i watched my mom shoplift like 200 worth of yankee candles once it was one of the funnier things the most unnecessary thing yeah it was also like you live in like a tiny apartment why do you need this many candles there's not enough stink to banish with the power of colonial vanilla i mean oh yeah i. It's always a weird old-timey. It's always just like, ooh, parliamentary fucking butterscotch. Yeah, fucking butter churn raspberry or some bullshit. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:14 It's like segregation is still legal. Almond. Oh, this is a good story. Everyone's favorite smell, almond. Dude, almonds smell good. I don't know that they have a smell, do they? Yes, they do. I don't have a strong sense of smell.

Starting point is 00:14:28 It's a faint smell, but you can amplify it with candles. You can amplify it through candles? Yeah, what are you doing? Tom Goss in the candle laboratory putting a bunch of almonds up on the roof during a thunderstorm. You can absolutely amplify a smell. When you fart, it smells like when you shit, it's amplified. Now it just smells like campfire. But I mean, there's an almond overtone in there.

Starting point is 00:14:48 We're going to figure this out. I was telling this story last night. My first girlfriend, we used to have sex in this trailer, like in her backyard, right? And one of the first times we had sex, she was like, I'm going to go get the candles. She had this big, gigantic candle. And she's like, this is the candle I lit when I became a woman. And I thought that meant, I was like, I was 18. And I was like, wait. Like, sitting with her period? Yeah, yeah. gigantic candle and she's like this is the candle i lit when i became a woman yeah and i thought that man i was like i i was 18 and i was like with her period yeah yeah i was like yeah you lit a candle when you got your period what are you a fucking witch that's weird yeah and then i

Starting point is 00:15:14 brought forth the antichrist i know i was like there's a lot about catholics i don't understand because i didn't know there's a whole candle period ritual and i just felt you know she's like no and then i had to realize what it was because she wasn't going to say no. It was when I got boned out for the first time. That's when you really become a woman is when you put something in your butt. That's the real rite of passage. That makes sense. That's when

Starting point is 00:15:35 they come out of your closet and they're like, surprise, you're a lady now. Yeah. When you bring the little girl home from the hospital, you have to put the balloons in the ceiling. Can I tell a fuck story real quick that I just got permission to tell on the air? Oh, yeah. It's always the best when Tom gets,

Starting point is 00:15:50 when Keith gets his sex stories declassified. Tom already knows this one, but it's pretty fun. So me and my girlfriend are into BDSM stuff, which Tom said one of the funnier things last night because we went down to have sex, and we come up and he goes, yeah, I didn't hear any fucking, but I definitely heard violence.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Yeah, well, I was just like, well, you're kind of like joking. And then she goes, you heard all that? And he's like, no, BS. I'm a biscuits. Ding dong. Well, no, I laid down watching the wheel spin like find foods down in my kitchen. All I hear

Starting point is 00:16:21 is just fucking swap. Swap. Swap. Not in any way a word you would use. Well, that's what happens when you hit a bitch in the face in Mad Magazine. You know, it's just, Swap! Swap. But fucking, so I went to the pleasure chest to get some sex toy stuff, and I got this collar, and I was like,

Starting point is 00:16:41 Well, I gotta get a leash to go with the collar, and they don't sell a leash at the pleasure chest. What then i was like all right well there's a pet store down the street uh-huh so i'm not gonna not go buy a dog leash for my girlfriend does it have little bones all over it i so i walk into the pet store and you're like hmm do i get the one with the the fish skeletons for a cat or do i get the i guess they don't make leashes for cats they do actually well yeah because there's a lot certainly making for p Really? Yeah, because there's a lot of... They certainly make them for pussies. Am I right, Greg?

Starting point is 00:17:07 There's a lot of information about leashes, which the guy working there was very insistent on sharing with me. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you're trying to pick the dog that's closest to your girlfriend. Yeah, he goes, what breed is your dog?

Starting point is 00:17:18 I'm like, Irish. Italian? Yeah. But like... Trailer? Yeah, like I walked in there with like, I pull like a hat down low i'm trying to look like you know fucking like in the departed when they're trying to hide from each

Starting point is 00:17:29 other yeah you're robert de niro at the airport yeah this guy is like i need to be your best friend and i'm trying i'm like there's no way for me to be like hey i need the most people friendly leash here yeah i'm kind of sizing that i'm like all right this one won't break and we get it here and the guy's just like what's your dog's name bring your dog in i'm like i don't know she visits a couple times a month so we'll see well i fucked up too because he goes what breed is it and like uh it's a chihuahua because i was just trying to throw in my regular dog and then i realized the leash you need for a three-legged chihuahua is a much different size than she would need for an adult woman yeah yeah and by the way just everybody who's getting ready to write the tweet i get it the dog story doesn't do a lot for me.

Starting point is 00:18:06 Yeah, yeah. There's sympathy. Yeah. So what did you end up getting? Just like a leash-ass leash. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:13 We'll make it a plan B weekend. Are you looking for a leash or a collar? The collar I got at the Pleasure Chest. Oh. Yeah. So what do you think? You'd have a dog collar. Does it have a hook for a leash?

Starting point is 00:18:21 Yeah. And no leash. No leash. What are they doing? That's what I thought. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta have a leash for the collar. When I asked the guy. No leash. What are they doing? That's what I thought. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta have a leash for the collar.

Starting point is 00:18:27 When I asked the guy, and he's like, yeah, we just don't have them. Well, they sold, like, you could buy, like, lengths of, like, industrial chain. No. Yeah. Fuck that. I'm like, that's a lot. Is this a Home Depot? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:37 I'm not one of my fucking sex Dracula. Like, no. I just need, like, you know, just a leash. You have a leash. Yeah. I'm the fuck count. The guy who worked at the store is too funny, because number one, he clearly knew who I was.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Like, there's a comedy show at that store, so I think he, like, knew me from that. Okay, yeah. But, like, didn't... You ever have that interaction with somebody when they know who you are, but they don't want to, like, bring it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:55 But they're being weird about it? I'm like, all right, man. And one of them just goes, yeah, are you hanging out for our spanking symposium later? I'm like, ah! Shut up, dude. What is a spanking symposium? No, that's when Bugs Bunny comes out

Starting point is 00:19:07 and plays a bunch of butts and he does a whole marimba solo. Is there enough information about spanking that it merits an entire class? I don't know. I feel like there's a butt, hit it, repeat, and then you spanked. Yeah, I'm just, with the whole set,

Starting point is 00:19:20 we're going to an orgasm clinic. I'm just like, you guys, you're still going to be boring when you're done with this do you understand like this is a fun way to kick if you're incredibly boring sex people and you're just like oh we'll go drink red wine and watch people who have come like yeah explain things i guess i could see the appeal of it i guess i would go as a looky lou but i would also go i would go as a couple i'd be like oh this is a fun thing for us to go do like oh i go by myself yeah you invited me alone to the I'm like I was going a lot We got it

Starting point is 00:19:47 We got to just get hidden camera footage of Tom alone at like an organ I feel like that's a thing where you have to bring a chick or else it's like yeah That's weird or like a partner. You know there's an ant in my chest hair. Oh nice It's like okay. I'm ready to make the orgasm having usually put on brass knuckles Well beat the pussy up. Hi, here's my Thanos gauntlet. I almost bought brass knuckle paperweights in Arizona and then I was like, what are we doing here, con man? Like, are we just looking for things to buy?

Starting point is 00:20:13 You're just buying a thing to feel alive for half a second. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty good about catching myself. Although the fanny pack I'm coming around on, you know, I think it's going to be... I support your fanny pack lifestyle. I know it's cheap. It wasn't like I broke the bank for a fanny pack I'm coming around on, you know, I think it's going to be. I support your fanny pack lifestyle. I know it's cheap. It wasn't like I broke the bank for a fanny pack.

Starting point is 00:20:28 Yeah, it's a practical application. I think fanny packs are fucking stupid, but I support you wearing them because just because it gives you like a weird like, yeah, I'm the fanny pack motherfucker, like kind of energy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you could be like, I wear backpacks for my dick. And then, yeah, that can be your thing. Tom's, well, the kids wear them across their chest now, you know. Well, I don't like that at all. Like a baby Bjorn?

Starting point is 00:20:51 Yeah, yeah. So they'll have them on the front or the back, you know. That could kind of get fucked. Well, you know. I think Tom's the only man who could support a fanny pack, because, like, if I saw Tom in a fanny pack, I'd be like, this man has secrets, and I don't want to know them. Well, it looks like his body has grown its own fanny pack. I mean, he's produced one biologically, so he has no need for one.

Starting point is 00:21:10 Yeah. Like a kangaroo. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, man-guru. We watched so many videos of kangaroos fighting. Oh, God, man. Yeah, we saw just about every... I think we got through all the footage that exists of kangaroos fighting human beings.

Starting point is 00:21:26 My favorite, I think all of our favorite, was the one where a guy tried to use a kangaroo for ISIS, and they did a reenactment. Yeah, like a guy was planning a kangaroo-based terror attack where he was going to drive his car through a bunch of cops, release his kangaroo, which he had made a custom ISIS vest for. Bring his sword to fend off the kangaroo before it blew up. Yeah, he was going to decapitate a cop while he provided cover for his kangaroo, which would bounce into a crowd of more riot cops and would then explode. Yeah. I mean, it's a perfect plan.

Starting point is 00:21:58 Yeah, yeah. Top to bottom. The best part is... My favorite element is the vest. Did he just get a therapy dog vest? And, like, all right, I'm going to make my ice a stencil, and I'm going to, like... It's just so funny that you felt the need to tag it for ice. Only, like, five people are going to see it.

Starting point is 00:22:12 Yeah, yeah. And then it's going to explode. It's going to explode. Yeah, exactly. My favorite part is after he puts, in the reenactment, after he puts the vest on the kangaroo, him and the kangaroo then look at each other and high five before he drives into the cops it's this weird low-res dramatization like yeah dramatization and it's one of the funnier things i've ever seen we got to tweet that out yeah we'll tweet it out i was looking

Starting point is 00:22:32 for yesterday and it's so fucking funny it's it's insane one of the hardest i've ever laughed because it's so rare because between all the footage we're also looking at actual kangaroo fights where most that was like a kangaroo debunking compilation where it's like this is how they faked the kangaroo fight videos you believed in who is the loose change kangaroo guy exactly i believe in truth and kangarooism yeah yeah well you know what there's the fucking uh truth is uh lies freedom of slavery fucking butter is margarine It's time for the Mexican joke off George Orwell wrote books You got it Tom nailed it

Starting point is 00:23:11 I'll take us away this week A teenager fell to her death while trying to take a Clifftop selfie at Yosemite National Park She was memorialized by the Worldstar Hip Hop Instagram page which read Damn this bitch didn't even catch a squirtle Followed by three cry laughing emojis i love when world star hip-hop's instagram uh the only pure source of entertainment like information left on the internet just like we'll write like wow gas attack in syria what do

Starting point is 00:23:37 you think and then like prayer hands like a thinky face emoji and then there's just like teenagers that are trying to be famous for doing vape tricks going like damn shit's fucked up check out my new song i'm like dude this is i'm not saying my soundcloud's gonna bring peace to the middle east but like it is yeah yeah or it's just like man that new trump uh fucking thing comes out how's it sound in fire or poop emoji and people are like i don't know man might be cool the only two emotions of our generation fire emoji and poop emoji i and people are like, I don't know, man, might be cool. The only two emotions of our generation, fire emoji and poop emoji. I've actually never been to worldstar.com.

Starting point is 00:24:09 I only know them from the shouting. Yeah, yeah. From the people around me. People shouted worldstar when we watched that fight break out in Vegas, right? Oh, yeah, they did. Yeah. That was a brawl.

Starting point is 00:24:19 Well, yeah, everybody shouted worldstar, which was hilarious, and then somebody shouted, he's got a gun, and every person but you ran. Yeah, I just got him. He just kind of stood there. He's like, God, I'm off, though. Yeah, don't. Can I pet it?

Starting point is 00:24:30 Don't pull a gun on me after a breakup. Because I will just kind of think about gnawing on it. It's not good for me. Exactly. Yeah, he's like, oh, this could be a pretty easy way out. I didn't technically kill myself. Diplomatic immunity. Yeah, I committed suicide by bachelor party

Starting point is 00:24:46 oh fuck all right i'll go kfc announced an eleven thousand dollar prize to any couple willing to name their newborn child after colonel sanders in related news i am no longer using condoms damn that'd be cool yeah no one says you have to keep the baby alive i mean i was gonna say you could change its name but yeah i, I guess you could murder the baby. Yeah. I mean, well, because then your profits is going to get eaten into immediately. Yeah. I was talking to this girl who had her tubes tied, and she was like, oh, yeah, I got my

Starting point is 00:25:16 tubes tied, and now I just use as many plastic straws as I want, because, I mean, this is the greenest shit you could possibly do. You can just start throwing six-pack rings around a seagull's neck like a carnival game. Oh, yeah. She's like, you can suck my dick. I'm putting one of those things on my car to make it all like when you drive past. And I'm just like. I'm destroying a little less nature than my kid would.

Starting point is 00:25:36 Oh, yeah. I'm straight up just going to heat my house with kerosene lamps that burn whale blubber. Just burning a seal. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just a big seal. You put a wick in a seal's butt and you just burn the dead seal.

Starting point is 00:25:48 Why won't I die? Yeah, it's still alive. It's just reading a book for some reason. If you cut a seal in half, it grows back. It's like a... Like a hydra? Yeah, exactly, yeah. Like the double-headed snake hydra?

Starting point is 00:26:01 What? Wait, what? Read a goddamn joke, Tom. A police officer... I thought you a police officer wait read a goddamn book like you didn't know that all these very real facts about seal properties a police officer went into an apartment she thought was hers and shot the resident to death on the plus side she murdered in his apartment so she doesn't have to go home to a mess damn that's actually pretty fine i said it too quickly i think that's a's a good joke, though. It was all right.

Starting point is 00:26:27 Acceptably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, my voice is high because I think it's good. I wrote that before I saw the fucking news story that now they're like Fox News. He had weed in his apartment. That's so fucking aggravating. It's just like, how do you not? Sometimes I feel like media companies just like, like all right let's just get in trouble and fucking make it like yeah

Starting point is 00:26:51 it's like let's go oh no four million people talked about fox news today yeah we're interested because nobody who's mad about that was watching fox news well yeah and no it's just gonna yeah but now fucking weird fucking psychos are gonna be like he deserved it he that happens every time there's like a crime with like you know anybody it's just like oh this lady got raped by seven people in the park but one time she had a beer yeah oh yeah yeah yeah like oh then she's the bad guy they should sue her like it's fucking nonsense yeah trayvon martin wasn't wearing his don't shoot me hat it was was his. Like, every fun. It's got to be such a mark because you're already a black guy in Texas. So every time you're outside, you're like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:29 Yeah. You're in your house. You're like, I'm good. I made it. We made it. You're like, son of a bitch. How'd they get in? Wait, I thought this was base.

Starting point is 00:27:36 No, they're stealing home. Man, I just had the exterminator come out to spray for racist cops. I don't know. One of them got in the fucking fridge or something. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. What? a racist cop i don't know one of them got in the fucking fridge or something yeah yeah oh man what okay this guy uh who uh who we fucking uh the hammer murdered in cold blood at his daughter's birthday party yeah one time he went on e-fucked so i mean he definitely had it coming yeah all right gang supreme court nominee brett kavanaugh apparently eats spaghetti with ketchup uh when

Starting point is 00:28:04 gop lawmakers found that out they said, I thought this guy was against abortions. Fuck ketchup. Tom's opinion on ketchup is slow. Now when I have it, I'm just like, this is pretty gross. It's just fucking paste. It's disgusting. It's sugar and there's no tomato. I like it sometimes.

Starting point is 00:28:22 I don't like it all the time. I prefer a hot sauce on my french fries, if I'm being honest. I do, too. You know what I mean? A hot sauce doesn't get like the... I want like a ketchup with the hot sauce in it. Like the mixture is good. Oh, dude, Baker's, this local IE, like a fast food chain, mixes fucking habanero ketchup.

Starting point is 00:28:39 That is bitchin' good. Oh, shit. See, maybe if there's some habanero in it, I could maybe fuck with that. And it's got like a legitimate kick. It's not like the fast food spicy where they're like afraid to make it actually spicy. Right. This is really spicy for fucking white moms. Yeah, for a Del Taco, this is

Starting point is 00:28:56 fire. They're just like, hey, buckle your dicks. Hotter than a Capri Sun. You're a baker's fuck face. Welcome to the 909, cocksucker. We're gonna melt your dumb teeth. Welcome to Baker's. Hope youcksucker We're gonna melt your dumb teeth Welcome to Baker's Hope you got a large root beer, bitch The FDA is considering banning e-cigarettes and vape products Conor McSpadden was seen marching on Washington chanting

Starting point is 00:29:14 Blood and coils Blood and coils Oh, that'd be great The vape rights activists take to the streets You know it's gonna happen Oh, I mean, they already do, man They fucking Yeah, they really are the worst Yeah yeah i don't know what's more embarrassing to be a vapor

Starting point is 00:29:29 or a podcaster like it's they're both just like things we're like i like that we do it but i don't like anyone else that does it oh i mean every that's all of my interests like fucking yugio you know like no shame everything i love i hate everyone else that loves it yeah yeah so i just have to like i'm like i try to be uh i just don't rep it i don't talk about anything i enjoy because none of it is like oh wow yeah no everyone knows everyone that does that is great oh that dragon ball fan base is pretty tight yeah anytime i like someone is asking about myself and i have to get to the podcast and i have a podcast i know, I swear people listen to it. It's kind of funny.

Starting point is 00:30:06 It's good. We had the 9-11 guy on twice. Yeah, what's his name, Ramsey? Yeah, yeah. Is it my turn? Yeah. All right. New Hampshire man was fined $124 for kicking a seagull trying to steal his sandwich.

Starting point is 00:30:21 I've heard of a crane kick, but this is ridiculous. I'm mad that you guys didn't laugh at the first joke, but then laughed at the head show. The way you said New Hampshire man made him sound like a shitty superhero. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's not Vermont. The other one. He's on the West Coast Avengers with Squirrel Girl and, I don't know, the guy that's never missed a credit card payment.

Starting point is 00:30:42 I'm pretty sure that's his name. Captain Skateboard's pretty all right. Yeah, yeah. Like the cowboy dude from that one Justice League. Captain Skateboard's pretty all right. Yeah, yeah. Like the cowboy dude from that one Justice League Unlimited, they got him, I guess. Yeah, yeah. The worst Green Lantern. The one with the weird haircut.

Starting point is 00:30:52 Which one? That gardener. Is he the white one? Yeah, there's a lot of white ones. That's okay to say. Most of them are the white one. Yeah, well, you know what? Not mine.

Starting point is 00:30:59 Almost everyone in the gallery looks like the white one. Yeah. No, look, here's the deal. You call him something else, like Black Green Lantern. Yeah. Not even Black Lantern. No, we call him the Forest Green Lantern.

Starting point is 00:31:11 It's a darker shade of green. There you go. Yeah, or the, I don't know, any other kinds of greens. The Dark Green Lantern. We call him Jamarcus. His name is John. Yeah. Oh, is it?

Starting point is 00:31:24 John Stewart, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, for the? John Stewart, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, for The Daily Show. Yeah, yeah. Same guy. He does a lot of cat skills schtick while he's making big hammers with his ring. He uses the ring to have a hand come out to wring his collar.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Dude. I know, like, three celebrities. Did you see that interview the Green Lantern did with Condoleezza Rice? Tense. All right. The author of a book called How to Murder Your Husband has been charged with murderinging her husband she's been denied bail in light of her sophomore release how to skip bail yeah that's real fun that's not it's not it's like now when i read the news i'm just like can i just read the headline and we'll just laugh we'll just like laugh at the fucking the doom of

Starting point is 00:32:01 it all like is there like what is there to add at this point? It really does get, yeah, other than doing a dumb, silly thing, I can't make a darker version of reality. Like, just culture is just satirizing itself. I was at an Urban Outfitters yesterday and fucking, they have the Deadpool 2 soundtrack on vinyl. And I'm like, what are we?

Starting point is 00:32:20 Not since I saw House of Cards on DVD. I'm like, what the whole point of Netflix is? There are so many things where I'm like, I the whole point of Netflix is? Yeah, but it's like a thing. There are so many things wrong. I don't even know if the people buying Deadpool 2 soundtrack on vinyl think it's ironic or if they think it's genuinely cool. I don't think they're thinking. Gun to their head, I don't think they could tell you.

Starting point is 00:32:36 I don't think so either. And there's certain pop cultural things. I don't know if we really hate Smash Mouth or love Smash Mouth or where this world stands on Smash Mouth. Yeah, and it's like I feel weird being sincere about anything because I actually do all rock out to Smash. really hate smash mouth or love smash mouth or where this world stands on smash mouth yeah and it's like i feel weird being sincere about anything because i actually do like i'll rock out to smash not all the time but like i put a month and a half i put on you know some fushiu main cuts you gotta feel the workout mix and i threw a nervous in the alley is on there oh okay yeah god there's nothing nothing has made my blood fucking get hotter with rage than thinking of you jogging in

Starting point is 00:33:06 the park while you listen to up-tempo third wave ska. Look, to be honest with you, that's what that playlist is. God damn it. Keith's just like, I'm having a groovy day getting some cardio. Real Big Fish is getting me pumped up. I love it. Yeah. I love it.

Starting point is 00:33:20 Real Big Fish is not on there. Goldfinger is. Yeah. Superman. Superman. Superman. It's one of Goldfinger's songs. You can look at the next podcast on the Bad Audio Network. Tom vaguely remembers how songs go. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:33:35 And hums them while only using the same note over and over again. I'm sorry. My new workout regimen will be... My new workout regimen will be I'll just make a playlist of like atonal fucking throat singing and I'll just drag coffins full of babies to the seat. Would that be better for you? Why don't you do what I do, which is frown at myself in the mirror while I do curls and listen to Public Image Limited songs from the 70s.

Starting point is 00:33:57 Can I have the least fun version of everything? Yeah. All right. The ACLU is suing a Wisconsin school for banning yoga pants. I say if our students want to wear tight yoga pants let them said that one teacher no one trusts yeah man I mean I try not to

Starting point is 00:34:12 it's one of those basic things where it's like yoga pants are fucking hot dude I mean I don't know what the jury's out on that one it's fucking it's just fantastic yeah well the argument there is they're like oh they're not making dudes can wear skinny jeans. They're not banning anything for dudes.

Starting point is 00:34:28 But, like, girls, if they have anything that shows their body off, they're like, that's outlawed. Distracting. Yeah, your butt will ruin education. If you're not a good enough teacher to, like, teach a class when there's just the concept of a butt nearby, you're bad at being a fucking teacher. If there's a good butt, more kids will go to the class. Yeah, also, you're sitting during class. Yeah. Who cares?

Starting point is 00:34:46 This is the Tom God, this is the Van Damme Academy. There's strippers at every lecture. Of course they're going to go. We want to see the tits. Yeah. You know? Yeah. All right, now, how many tits are up there right now?

Starting point is 00:34:58 Weirdly, five. I don't know what happened to that. That's an Amazonian archer. Raise your hand, and when I shoot you with the t-shirt, Ken, and it's your turn to answer the question. Oh, dude, yeah, fuck yeah. That's what we're just going to pep-ralify, like, education pretty soon, where there's going to be some college where it's like,

Starting point is 00:35:11 yeah, we're teaching, like, fucking complex political theory, but we still throw Jolly Ranchers out if you get the right answer. Yeah, we like to party. No one hates a Jolly Rancher. Yeah, imagine if the Jolly Ranchers were nipples. More kids would go to class. Yeah, they just threw a bag of loose nipples at you. I miscalculated the toss, and I hit that vegan chick,

Starting point is 00:35:29 and I guess there's crushed up animal bones in the gelatin, so now I've been sued for a billion dollars by someone that has never bathed. Yeah, I sneezed in a room with a woman, so now they're taking my kids. Yeah. Yeah. Goodbye, children.

Starting point is 00:35:42 The Mean Boys podcast is now on gas digital. Frauds. Trying to stop podcast is now on gas digital. Frauds. Trying to stop me from throwing candy at them. I don't even know what stance we're taking here. You can now be kicked out of your Uber in Australia for being rude. The good news is, to be considered rude in Australia, you have to shit in the driver's cup holder without screaming your support for the local rugby team. That's very funny.

Starting point is 00:36:04 Yeah, they're rude people. How do you not call it a kangaroo-ber? Points. I love it. Give me points. Points. Kangaroo-ber. Let's just fucking enjoy that one for a second. No, he just hopped in the pouch, you know? And he's got

Starting point is 00:36:21 little bottles of water in his butt, you know? That's a terrible way. Why wouldn't he just have his butt, you know? That's a terrible way. Why wouldn't he just have them also in the pouch? Well, yeah, no, there's not enough room. It's a storage

Starting point is 00:36:28 facility. You don't want to say it's like riding in that, like, Sparrow car from Austin Powers. I like the idea that you put bottles, like,

Starting point is 00:36:34 one by one up his ass so he can just chain gun him out. Connect your iPod to its tail. Well, yeah, you Fonzie him with your elbow in the kidney,

Starting point is 00:36:40 and then you fucking catch it, and then you crack it open. I was hanging out the girl and she had those little bottles of water in her house i'm like why would you get the little ones for your home get the big ones you know it's like you just we're just gonna drink more of them yeah what are we doing nobody ever wants that much water really i mean if i'm at the bank and it's a free i'm like all right you know i'll take it whenever it's offered but i want more water than

Starting point is 00:37:02 that it's like one sip of water yeah and, and for a flat of them, it's not that much less than a full-size fucking thing of real water. Oh, sure. It's like a third of the water. Is this the two-tag girl? Because she really just wants to make more garbage to throw it burnt. Yeah, it would be. Yeah, yeah. Well, she earned it.

Starting point is 00:37:20 Guys, the New Mexico Spa's signature blood-infused vampire facial may have exposed hundreds of customers to HIV. Now, call me old-fashioned, but back in my day, a vampire facial is when a guy in a cape comes a bat in your mouth. Wait, what the fuck is a vampire? What is any of that? A vampire facial. I gave you all the information you needed in the setup.

Starting point is 00:37:41 A blood-infused vampire facial. What is a blood-infused vampire facial? It's some kind of fucking facial that involves blood. It's been infused with blood. You just cum blood on her face? No, it's not a facial with your dick. It's at a spa, which would lead you to believe there's not a guy who's fucking poking himself in the behind closed door

Starting point is 00:37:58 on your face. Wait, so Count Sackula is not just blowing bloody blows. Your inability to access the most elementary of context clues. New Mexico. I said all of this. Where did they get the blood? I'm from body.

Starting point is 00:38:10 I'm from HIV, clearly. Gay dudes, I guess. Every element of this was answered. Is this what the Red Cross does with our blood? No. Stop donating if this is where our blood goes. You can't give blood to the Red Cross. I've given a lot of blood to the Red Cross.

Starting point is 00:38:23 It won't stop calling me. The pot calling the kettle right there. Yeah, you can't give blood to the Red Cross. I've given a lot of blood to the Red Cross. Oh, yeah, the pot calling the kettle right there. Yeah, you can't give blood. Well, I can't because I'm kind of gay, and Tom can't because most of it is fudge. But the point is, it's toffee now. Well, here's the good news. Your husband has had his life saved after that devastating construction site accident. The bad news is he will not stop talking about Carmelo's form in the ring.

Starting point is 00:38:46 So we don't know where they get the blood. What is the blood supposed to do to the face? It's going to make it a better face, Tom. That's what facials do. Yeah, I think the idea is that you rub stuff on your face, some of it is blood, and then it makes your skin better. God, you take umbrage with the strangest things. Oh, I'm sorry, the most

Starting point is 00:39:02 psychotic thing I've ever heard is weird to me. That is not the most psychotic thing you've heard in the last 45 minutes all right i don't pay attention to the things i say besides that that is the most psychotic thing i fucking that's insane video game company video game company ea is being sued after a shooting at a madden tournament in a statement they said quote ea in no way supports violence against the innocent. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to write another check to Ben Roethlisberger. Shots. Yeah. Straight up calling out the hypocrisy of the monopolistic gaming industry.

Starting point is 00:39:35 Yeah, we showed them. I'm going to start my own woke football game where everyone is bad. I get all the players that are left over. All right. So I get like two like woke guys that don't want to do it. The only Asian quarterback. Yeah. You play flag football.

Starting point is 00:39:49 Yeah. And everybody sucks. And yeah. No one has a good time. Yeah. The announcer is like John Legend or something. And he's like, man, you guys seem like you're all having a good time out there. You know?

Starting point is 00:40:00 Yeah. Everyone's really supporting each other. Yeah. We're doomed, guys. Press X to high five after the game. Tom? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everyone's really supporting each other. We're doomed, guys. Press X to high five after the game. Tom? Oh, yeah, that's me. A new study reveals that roller coasters can help get rid of

Starting point is 00:40:13 kidney stones. Wow, kidney stones are a weird thing to call a pregnancy. All right. Tom would be great as a... I know that's a weaker joke, but you know, I just... Tom would be great as a rapper, because before you get the verse, but, you know, I just... Tom would be great as a rapper, because, you know, before you get the verse started, you're like, Yeah, I had to do it again.

Starting point is 00:40:29 Yeah, you guys ain't ready for this, but it's coming. But Tom's like, Oh, yeah, it's my turn. Okay, first off, fuck you, Click and the crew. You got... Fuck. Ah, shit. You're not... Straight over by Torrance.

Starting point is 00:40:43 Robots. The other one. Okay. Compton. Yeah. Okay, there we go. Theots. The other one. Okay. Compton. Yeah. Okay, there we go. The city of... I'm from a lot of places.

Starting point is 00:40:49 I rep the freeway by my house. Yeah, I rep into 73 toll road. Yeah, okay. You rep a toll road? It's the end of that fucking Dre song. Just, hey. Oh, I was supposed to go? Okay.

Starting point is 00:41:06 I smoke the pots all the time. Okay. Oh, dude, that's my new favorite bit. Tom Goss, Nate Dog. They no fun. If they don't have tapatio. A woman overdosed in a Burger King bathroom, thought she had a miscarriage, and then the baby was found alive in the toilet.

Starting point is 00:41:23 The faithful have long been kept waiting, but the one true king has been reborn to bring glory to our land once again and destroy the wretched caliphate of Wendy's. That's how you, that's the, that's the prophecy. Someone thought, as soon as someone miscarried, he's the Burger King now. Yeah. He gets to grow up and. Yeah, I think he marries the Dairy Queen on some fucking, uh, the Game of Thrones show. Oh, that's probably a good rule 34 that's out there.

Starting point is 00:41:44 It's like the Burger King butt fucking like a cow like a cow with a tiara, you know? Yeah, I bet that's the thing. While he drinks a milkshake, you know? Out of her tit. One time I tried to find just the porn of the Pringles guy, and I didn't find very much, but it was pretty funny. Who's the Pringles guy? You're trying to find Joe Dosh's news?

Starting point is 00:42:00 The, like, before times emoji fucking face? Yes. Okay. And also, shut up. Wait, the before times emoji? Because he looks like an emoji face, but he has a face? Yes. Okay. And also shut up. Wait, the before times emoji? Because he looks like an emoji face, but he has a big goofy mustache. Yeah. Yeah, but he's just like a big hat.

Starting point is 00:42:11 Yeah, but it's literally just him like taking the panties off like a cartoon girl and just saying Pringles. That's all it is. That's weird. Yeah. It's very odd. Wait, so he doesn't even fuck? No.

Starting point is 00:42:22 What kind of porn is that? What's up? It's bad. It's bad. It's bad porn. When the Patreon gets to $5,000. I'm sorry there's not more hardcore Pringle pornography. When we get to $5,000 on Patreon, we will self-fund and release an animated clip of the Pringles guy fucking Mr. Peanuts. Two underrepresented characters in capitalist hentai.

Starting point is 00:42:44 By the way, I don't... Well, yeah, it's Mr. Penis. Or Mr. Peanuts, and he's got his nuts out. I know we're going to plug this into the intro, but fucking leave a review so we can go meet Keith's mom, because I have a very fun idea for the next fucking review goal that you guys are going to love. So hurry the fuck...

Starting point is 00:42:59 It's on subject. Okay. Keith's turd! Sorry. Horror film The Nun. It's on subject. Okay. Keith's turn. Sorry. Horror film The Nun opened huge numbers this weekend. No, that's Tom. He's doing the, oh, yeah, it's me.

Starting point is 00:43:14 And then Tom does his verse. He's like, okay, Keith's turn. Yeah, I'm going to let my little homies ride on you or whatever. Yeah. So here they are. Okay. You go now. I talked over. Okay. You're only going to are. Okay, you go now. I talked over.

Starting point is 00:43:27 Okay, you're only going to do 12 bars. I keep talking. I'm sorry. Okay, Tim, just your best eight starting now. Horror film The Nun opened to huge numbers this weekend. Critics are calling it a terrifying ordeal that is still less upsetting than the actual Catholic Church. Look, man, I wrote four good ones. I didn't even write one good one. That really curb-stopped all of them.

Starting point is 00:43:48 Sometimes you realize you didn't write five and you have one left over from the ran-as-easy debacle and you just port that over. Oh, that's what I did, yeah. That's what I think we all did. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:43:57 Mm-hmm. Wait, where was the joke? Coming this summer to UPN, it's mm-hmm. Followed by word. A police... Oh, no, Followed by word. A police. Oh, no. I already did that. If anyone can find full episodes of Under One Roof, the Flavor Flav sitcom that I adored

Starting point is 00:44:12 and I was the only I watched every day, like a one 22 episode season. Right. And it literally it begins with a fucking like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air ripoff where he just explains the plot. And he's like, yeah, my brother crashed his car and I went to jail and now he's rich and now he owes me one and now we live together but i'm flavor flame and he's a square even though he crashed the car and we got a family and it's under one roof and that's the show and one time twista was on that was like their big celebrity dude i used to love twista yeah well and this was like well past like the twista fucking heyday if there really was a mania

Starting point is 00:44:43 headlong coming oh yeah and then he rapped really fast and they're like all right let's go to the like the Twista fucking heyday. If there really was one. The Twista mania had long come and gone. Oh, yeah. Twista mania. And then he rapped really fast, and they were like, all right, let's go to the party. And he was like, okay. It was just the worst fucking show. Oh, man. I haven't been able to find any of it online, and there's barely proof that it existed,

Starting point is 00:44:53 but it was my favorite fucking thing ever. Okay, we got to watch that shit. Yeah, yeah. Tom. Yes. A high school student was kicked out of a Trump rally when he wasn't making the right face in the background. Security claims the problem was that his face was not covered in soot.

Starting point is 00:45:11 You see, what I like about Wintour is like you don't like. I just kind of reword the headline or whatever. But Tom rewords the headline in how he interprets it. Yeah. You know, he's like, yeah, Volkswagen's in trouble because they didn't make their cars not lie enough. You know? And then you're like, okay, I know what he's talking about.

Starting point is 00:45:32 But instead of saying, oh, Volkswagen's under fire for their diesel cheating emissions. He's like, yeah, okay, so Chick-fil-A is bad at liking ABBA, and now people are doing a boy cat. On a scale of one to milkshake, arugula has now been declared a sandwich. Here's what I'll say about that. I do that all the time. But for that fucking story, that is the headline.

Starting point is 00:45:56 It was almost word for word. Oh, really? Yeah, because on Fox, they just fucking. I always go to Fox because their headlines are just insanity. That's a good point. Okay, so yeah, I've been forgetting to do this for two episodes now. Someone fucking DM'd us and told us to make fun of her boyfriend for his birthday or something. All right.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Underscore Syrah wants us to roast this guy or just call him dumb or something. What's his name? What is the fuck? Felicity Garbage? Felicity Garbage. All right, so here he is. He's got a mohawk, and he looks stupid. Is he on Insta?

Starting point is 00:46:35 Yeah, well, here's a picture of him. Oh, man. Yeah, you look bad, my dude. Yeah, you don't look good at all. You look like the dude that got turned into Rocksteady in the Ninja Turtles. There you go. There's your birthday roast. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:48 Stop messaging me. Congratulations on being the third shittiest zombie in Return of the Living Dead. There you go. Wow. A personal roast from Keith Carey. The roast guy. He doesn't do anything else. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:59 It's my only thing. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. All right. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back welcome back to our exclusive coverage of the wnba finals right here on espn 12 i'm chuck fortley joined in the booth by my new partner uh why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to the folks at home alex jones prophet patriot last line of defense against the liberal

Starting point is 00:47:23 death machine great to have you, Alex. It's a beautiful night here in Washington as the Seattle Storm head to D.C. to take on the Mystics. The Mystics have had a dominant season but have lacked the offense to stay competitive against Seattle. We're going to need to see more accurate shooting from them tonight if they want to win this thing. Alex, any thoughts as we approach tip-off?

Starting point is 00:47:39 Chuck, let me tell you something. You cannot be more right. The Storm is coming to Washington, all right. I'll tell you,. You cannot be more right. The storm is coming to Washington, all right. I'll tell you the storm that rains globalism and thunders gayness out of a dark, abominable cloud. And this storm, by the way, washed me right the fuck off every legitimate platform. I've been purged from Facebook. I've been bamboozled off of Twitter. I got straight up hoodwinked out of my YouTube following. They canceled my Blue

Starting point is 00:48:06 Ape and subscription. The storm is here. And if you're hearing this transmission, here's my advice. Huddle under the umbrella of truth because the globalist clouds will pour their plague of lies all the way down upon the common man of America until all good men drown in the blood of patriots. That is what these people want, Chuck. Good insight there, Alex. And Seattle takes control of the ball early. Clark takes it up court, passes to Stewart. Stewart looking, looking, over to Paris.

Starting point is 00:48:34 Ah, Paris, Canada, San Francisco. Let me tell you something. People, these will be the world capitals when the queer Illuminati begin to take control. It's already begun. Men are becoming women. Women are becoming doctors. These will be the world capitals when the queer Illuminati begin to take control. It's already begun. Men are becoming women. Women are becoming doctors. Doctors are becoming semi-trucks and fighting Decepticons.

Starting point is 00:48:57 They want to confuse you, to blind you to the truth of God, American God. None of that Haji Wiggly arm elephant crap. And Paris drains it for two. A strong start for Courtney Paris. Truly one of the most physical athletes in the league right now. Z, look at her. Those shoulders, that jawline. I mean, here's what's going on, Chuck.

Starting point is 00:49:14 The Jew, I mean the globalists, the globalists, they're putting crazy she-hulk chemicals in the Gatorade. They're turning ladies into big old berserk and refrigerator hulkamaniacs. And we're just going to have to stand up to these women when they've got periods strong enough to break down a three-foot steel door some of these bitches could break through the entire get smart intro scene now sure i'm a racist and a bigot and a bad barbecue chef and i'm no longer allowed to use the Internet at the library. By the way, there's an E when I spell library.

Starting point is 00:49:49 It's after the I. You get what I'm putting down. But you watch Kathy Griffin's going to come out of the New Year's Eve ball and say the go word, and then all these muscle-bound estrogenical terminatrices are going to be activated, and they're going to shoot Christmas in the fucking head in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and then they're coming to eat our young. You said it, Alex.

Starting point is 00:50:11 Speaking of young, tonight's telecast is sponsored by CBS's Young Sheldon. This week, Sheldon learns there's no scientific formula for falling in love. That's Young Sheldon CBS right after the game. Washington now making a drive to the basket, and oh, picked off by Jackson. Oh, we're all going to get picked off by Jackson. Sharpton, Oprah, Tiffany Haddish, Medea. Ah! I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care.

Starting point is 00:50:32 We're literally just here to provide background noise for whatever retirement home accidentally left us on in the TV room. We'll be right back with more coverage of the WNBA. The WNBA. Somehow still a thing since 1997. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast returns with the comeback of our favorite game. We haven't done this in a little while. I'm excited.

Starting point is 00:50:53 Motherfuckers, let's play Witch of the Following. Sabito Hayes writes in, for Connor's eyes only all caps and then christ calm down yeah and i'm like what why is this fucking is he are people really worried that we're cheating on the games that we don't really respect the integrity of is this my butt or hitler yeah yeah like i don't know people getting mad about like the games that are really just a jumping off point to go, that sounds like extrapolate. What if that guy had a boner? That's every riff we've ever heard. I want Keith to lose my rapper

Starting point is 00:51:31 challenge. Yes, I will be the lord of knowing about rappers. Yes. Tom, give me a villainous laugh. Tom, take that back. Huh? What is this fucking... It's a villain laugh.

Starting point is 00:51:50 That's neither. That's how a guy that goes to a strip club alone laughs. Okay, this is the worst podcast. This podcast sucks so much. Dude, we fucking... We are idiots. What's funny is you look at the page and you see the total amount you've been paid out. And it's like a new car's worth of money to do simultaneous witch laughter. Yeah, welcome to fucking boner camp.

Starting point is 00:52:24 And play a game that someone else did all the work for where we go, man, that's a bad name for a rapper. Yeah, oh, your name shouldn't be Lil whatever it is. Yeah, this should be Big Bummy. What about Normal Size Wayne? Yeah. What about a Standard Wayne? Has there been a Lil Penis yet? Yeah, you.

Starting point is 00:52:42 Probably. Well, Lil Dicky is kind of like that. Lil Dicky, yeah. Yeah, that's sort of the joke. Yeah. Well, little dicky is kind of like that. Little dicky, yeah. Yeah, that's sort of the joke. Yeah. Well, all right, guys. Stop dick shaming. You haven't seen my dick.

Starting point is 00:52:50 I'm going to dick shame you forever. You've been dick shaming yourself for so long. Well, yeah, God dick shamed you when he gave you that little ass dick. I'm going to tell you the same thing

Starting point is 00:52:59 I've told Sandra Wim. God was like, hmm, okay, we got the schizoaffective disorder, you know, we got the bipolar, we got the poor glands for fatness. It's missing something. I'll tell you the same thing I've told several women that I've broken up with.

Starting point is 00:53:14 If you spend long enough telling me you are unworthy of praise, I'll just believe you. Oh, really? Like if a girl's like, I hate it when you compliment me. Yeah, if a girl's like, when somebody just constantly is just like, I suck. I'm the worst. I'm terrible. At a certain point, you're like, well, I guess you suck. Like, yeah, I thought you were kind of cool.

Starting point is 00:53:32 But that's me in a relationship. You convinced me. I'm like, look, if you're fucked up, I'll fix it. Like, I'll cheer you up and I'll take care of you or whatever. Right. But if you're fine, I'm just going to go to my baseline, which is hating myself deeply, truly and eternally. Yeah. You know, and then they're like, can I baseline, which is hating myself deeply, truly, and eternally. And then they're like, can I cheer you up?

Starting point is 00:53:47 And I'm like, no, nobody ever has. And they're like, well, I feel useless. And I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry about that. You want to have sex or something? Pretty savage thing to be real about. Yeah, you want to go walk? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just being honest.

Starting point is 00:54:00 No, I get it. I don't want you to waste your time trying to make me happy because it's impossible. Can I predict something? Yeah. I think next by next year uh cotter will have a kid on the way oh geez that's the most unhappy i've ever seen you well i don't think i will because i'm very careful when i have sex you know who else was careful i am yeah that juno lady didn't help her she wasn't careful at all. I thought she wore... Here's a couple things. I never come from actual intercourse. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:54:28 I always wear condoms. But you can get rogue agents come out the dick hole. Yeah, so... The scout ants. Well, yeah. Look, here's the deal. You're combining rogue agents. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:37 You're talking pre-cum jizz, which are the weakest sperm. They are. I assume you're made of them. They have to break through the latex, you know, and impregnate the women. And I also generally, like, I do have a conversation about it with people before I have sex where it's like, yeah, I'm like, you know,

Starting point is 00:54:53 just an abortion talk, you know, or whatever. I mean, what's cool is no woman has ever changed their mind, so that's a pretty reliable source of protection. I do my due diligence. I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, Tom, I'll fucking, I'll bet you $100. I don't have $100 to lose. I want to bankrupt you.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Tom, you will have made $100 in nine months. Yeah, I want next year you to land on Park Place and go like, well, I guess I have to overdraft my bank account so I can give Connor some money because he didn't make a baby. Fine, fine. $100, $100, yeah. Okay, what is the date? September 15th. bank account so I can give Connor some money because he didn't make a baby. Fine. Fine. 100 bucks. Yeah. What is the date? September 15th. I'm setting an alarm for September 15th, 2019.

Starting point is 00:55:33 And if there's not a kid on the way, you owe him 100 bucks. Bang. Bam. Somebody could talk while I do this because this is not compelling radio. Alright guys, which of the following is not a real one? Also, since we're doing that, everyone remind, tweet at Keith that I'm still not in a cage. You're going in the fucking cage.

Starting point is 00:55:49 He's no closer to getting me into the fucking cage. He doesn't even own a cage. I told you. He barely owns a laptop to buy the cage on. I already told Tom. He will not give me. That's a lot of good points. Yeah, okay, hang on.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Do you want to talk about laptops? Because I had to explain to Tom the concept of Microsoft Office. He's like, oh, I've just been writing everything in Final Draft. Well, you know, it's an upgraded version. You guys want to know one of my favorite bits is when Keith has an open pizza box in front of him. I say it's his laptop because he's fat. And that just never doesn't make me so happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:20 They usually have an open pizza when I'm headed to a room to be with a person that I love and share that pizza with. Dude. Well, you come into your fucking Magneto prison of a life. What a loser. He has love. You are truly wasting your time. Just look at a testament to how unhappy successes make you. No, I'm very happy, dude.

Starting point is 00:56:37 I have everything I need. Yeah. A Yu-Gi-Oh clock with no battery. I have some fucking Target brand wipes. You have a multicolored lamp that I guarantee you you have strong negative feelings towards? Well, I was at Home Depot, and it was the only lamp, and I was like, well, I'm not going to a second place.

Starting point is 00:56:53 I don't like this lamp, but I'm going to get it. Connor lives like fucking Count Olaf. I live like sober Bukowski, and you enjoy your stupid love shit. Yeah, you know me, always trying to murder orphans. You know, I love nests and killing children. You're a weird pole. I count Olaf before the books. We're just hanging out at his tower.

Starting point is 00:57:10 No, I live like a monk. Used to do theaters. You just kind of live like Jeffrey Dahmer if you never got hungry. What are you talking about? I got peanut butter right there, fuckface. Checkmate. Open it. Filipino toe.

Starting point is 00:57:20 Right number one. Filipino toe. I do wonder if different races of people taste different. It depends on what you eat. How do you know? Huh? Because that's fucking science. That's how that's.

Starting point is 00:57:34 No, hang on. What the animals eat affects how, like, if you eat a deer or, like, a wild cow as opposed to a regular cow. Tom, again, if you're wearing that shirt, you're not allowed to refer to other races as the animals. No, I'm referring to actual animals. I know what you're talking about, but you're playing a dicey game here, my friend.

Starting point is 00:57:50 All right, I love playing dice. Tom made the garage rock band from England in the 60s. He actually ate fucking Eddie Burton. Yeah, if you eat a Filipino antelope, it tastes different

Starting point is 00:57:58 than an American antelope. I don't know that there are Filipino antelopes. Well, if you send one to Filipino, it'll taste different. From far away, I thought it was just a Mexican antelope, but then I guess it's Filipino. Well, it there are Filipino antelopes. Well, if you send one to Filipino, it'll taste different. From far away, I thought it was just a Mexican antelope, but then I guess it's Filipino.

Starting point is 00:58:08 Well, it's just an antelope that loves karaoke is what it is. Antelope and Jollibee confusing the shit out of everybody. Enjoy our national cuisine, fried chicken and weird spaghetti or some bullshit. Is Jollibee a Filipino thing? Jollibee is a filipino uh fast food thing and their menu is just like yeah we're fucking here's like a spam sandwich and then a bucket of chicken or a pasta dinner like it's everyone san juan got me some filipino food and i tried it and i was just like man god bless you but i'm not into any of this it's none of it's bad it just

Starting point is 00:58:39 feels like it's real it's like they woke up like late for class and we're like oh i have seven minutes to come up with a national cuisine and they just threw every element they had this is my baklava argument which is like this is the best dessert you could make before electricity was invented baklava is legit baklava is amazing

Starting point is 00:58:57 it's like you understand we have access to fucking peanut butter cups with your hands what are you talking about I use a knife. I'm not disparaging. It's a different thing. If I'm going to fucking absorb a lot of sugar and fat and calories or whatever, it's like I want to just get straight.

Starting point is 00:59:13 It's like I'm not going to have a flapjack, like a stack of flapjacks. I'll just eat a piece of cheesecake. If I'm going to fucking fuck up my liver or whatever with all this sugar. It's like baklava. It's like it's as bad for you as a little Snickers bar, but you're going to enjoy a little Snickers bar so much more than a weird like Arabian log of nuts. I would go for baklava.

Starting point is 00:59:31 It's not. Arabian nut log. Arabian nut. No, I would go for the baklava. It's just more expensive than Snickers bar. Yeah. I love baklava. Tom's bougie.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Tom is materialistic, you know, living in his kitchen. What are you talking about? It's all money bags, Gus. It's a fucking Saudi donut. Why are you saying that? I almost fell down. You should see the thread count on Tom's tank top. Oh, Keith, you've eaten a bunch of cum.

Starting point is 00:59:57 They taste... Doesn't cum taste slightly different? A bunch. A bunch. Yeah, well, you've. A bunch. Yeah. Well, you've eaten a bunch of everything. Costco got me a flat of cum. Does all cum taste the same?

Starting point is 01:00:11 No. Yeah. That's because of their diet. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So why do you think that would affect the rest of the body? Well, yeah, I'm not cumming on my antelope steaks, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:21 That's not the point. I remember this from a Narnia book where they're like, oh, you know what you come? Yeah. That's not the point. You ask people I remember this from a Narnia book where they're like, oh, where they eat a bunch of cum? Yeah, yeah. The lion, the witch, and the cum-hungry-ass lion.

Starting point is 01:00:31 Yeah, the lion, a different lion, but he loves cum. The lion, the witch, and that thing we don't talk about that happened in the magic forest.

Starting point is 01:00:37 Man, the lion, the witch, and the guy who really went into the closet. Yeah, yeah, and the horror drobe or something. Man. Yeah, the cum tastes different

Starting point is 01:00:44 according to diet. That's why they tell you to eat pineapple if you want people to enjoy your cum. Everybody else at Narnia is trying to do some Narnia shit, and one kid is just like, where do I keep the cum around here? Trying to get a bottle of cum. Dude, what's up, Mr. Cumness? Who's dick do I got to suck to drink some cum in here? Mr. Cumness.

Starting point is 01:01:01 Mr. Cumness. Mr. Cumness. The goat leg cum is so much fucking I mean, he's got powerful haunches, so he really just fucking bangs one. He's not Tom Hedges. Leans back in it, yeah. It's like getting hit in the mouth with a wiffle ball, Ben. Come into my cottage. Can I make you some tea?

Starting point is 01:01:16 Sure. Oh my god. So yeah, which of the following? They saved the day. She's like, still never got my cum. Yeah. Mr. Cumbness is our episode title, I think. So, yeah, which of the following? They saved the day. She's like, still never got my cum. Yeah. Mr. Cumness is our episode title, I think. No cum, Jerry! We've had a lot of good contenders.

Starting point is 01:01:31 Arabian Nut Log is up there. We already said Arabian. There's an episode called Arabian Groceries. I try not to reuse the words. Nah, yeah. Never want to go back to the Arabian world. I'll probably go Mr. Cumness, I guess. Yeah, Mr. Cumness.

Starting point is 01:01:40 Mr. Cumness is so... If you know literature, and I pretend to. If you know literature. Yeah, literature. You know, isn't C.S. Mr. Cumbas. So if you know literature, and I pretend to, if you know literature. Yeah, literature. You know, isn't C.S. Lewis like one of those guys who turned out to be like a weird homophobic God guy? Yeah, he's super. They're all Christ books.

Starting point is 01:01:53 They are Christian books. And he was like a pretty on front street Jesus guy. Yeah. What? I got tricked into believing in the God, but it was a lion. I like C.S. Lewis, though. He's a good writer. Nah.

Starting point is 01:02:03 He's fine. He's dead to me. Some of his other shit is good. I only read atheist books. I don't know if I've ever read the Screwtape Letters.S. Lewis, though. He's a good writer. Nah. He's fine. Some of his other shit is good. I only read atheist books. I don't know if I've ever read the Screwtape Letters. No. The Screwtape Letters is like the Glen Gary Glen Ross of demons, where it's basically just letters between this demon and the devil, where he's like, yeah, I'm trying to fuck

Starting point is 01:02:16 this dude's life up. I'm trying to do demon shit, but he believes in God, so I'm having a hard time. And it's just demons contemplating what it is to be a demon. It's kind of neat. Yeah, that sounds boring. So which of the four is that real? That sounds terrible anyway. What's the black guy names?

Starting point is 01:02:30 Hey, hey. They could be Filipino. They're not. They're not. We know they're not. You don't know anything about rap music. You're too busy listening to fucking, I don't know, fuck, Bad Fish while you go on your two-mile-an-hour jog.

Starting point is 01:02:41 Yeah, right. You leave a snail trail of debris in your wake i'm like oh yeah well you made uh yeah you made two laps you can see because there's concentric rings i gotta give props to keith for being consistent because the first time you did i was like that's awesome i hope he keeps up with it you've kept up with it pretty much this whole fucking time i skipped two days because i thought i was gonna like my legs Yeah, that's fucking awesome. I only stopped once when it was hard. Yeah, all right, cool. Are you done hitching your wagon to someone else's work here?

Starting point is 01:03:11 Can we play this game? Yeah, and then you guys keep interrupting me to make bad points. So, you know, it's kind of hard to get into the show. That's a good point, yeah. Yeah, we're really ruining it here. You guys are really derailing it. We're really ruining it here. You could apathetically misread off a laptop.

Starting point is 01:03:24 Come on, Mr. Cummins. I will read it perfectly. Yeah, apathetically misread off a laptop. I will read it perfectly. Yeah. That's what you're going to do. Which of the following is not a real rapper? Round number one. A. Mariah Carey.

Starting point is 01:03:33 B. X Thought. C. Young Boy Never Broke Again. Or D. Mr. Cheeks. Which should be the name of a horse that does porn. I think. Like in this success. Like if Mr. Hands was a bottom. Was he? Well, no. I'm saying if that horse was the one getting fucked. Oh, yeah. Mr. Cheeks. I, if Mr. Hands was a bottom. Was he?

Starting point is 01:03:47 Well, no, I'm saying, like, if that horse was the one getting fucked. Oh, yeah, Mr. Cheeks. I forgot about Mr. Hands. Mariah Carey? Do they mean a different Mariah Carey or adult Miley Cyrus? Miley Cyrus isn't an adult. Not really. I need her to be.

Starting point is 01:04:00 I've done some stuff. Well, Miley Cyrus is, like, the same age as you, Tom. Right, but she's still, like... Have you ever fucked Mike Will Made It? I don't think you're allowed to talk about it, Dalton. How many M's and W's have you blown? If it's none, get out of this podcast. Is it the same Mariah Carey? I gotta figure now.

Starting point is 01:04:16 Is it spelled the same? Yes. What were the other ones? Mr. Table or something? I'm going to zoom in here so you can just read them. Yeah, that'll be good radio. Okay, yeah. Fucking Mariah Carey, X Thought, Young Boy Never Broke Again, and Mr. Cheeks.

Starting point is 01:04:32 I say X Thought is the fake one. All right. Tom, what do you think? I'm going to go D. All right. The answer, B, X Thought is the fake one. Mr. Cheeks. I do like that name. IThought, is a fake one. Mr. Cheeks. I do like that name.

Starting point is 01:04:46 I like when it's kind of goofy. Yeah. Maybe it's like a... Mr. Cheeks was my father. Yeah, maybe it's like a... Call me Dave Cheeks. Yeah, like a dirtbag, like, left kind of, like, fucking, like, trans rapper with a fat ass, you know? That'd be fun.

Starting point is 01:05:01 Yeah. Yeah, he's like a fat ass and a big old dong. But just, there's nothing better when someone is like, yeah, I'm gay, but I rap really fucking good, you know that'd be fun yeah he's like a fat ass and a big old dong but just there's nothing better when someone is like yeah I'm gay but I rap really fucking good you know

Starting point is 01:05:09 and they're just like oh shit we gotta deal with this now you know we can't even be mean to you for being gay because you're good at rap stuff

Starting point is 01:05:14 no it is always great well yeah it was like the Eminem thing it's like well yeah he's white but he's fucking he's just tap dancing

Starting point is 01:05:20 on all of your dicks right now you gotta be the best at being a rapper if you're gonna be the white rapper if you're gonna be the first guy

Starting point is 01:05:24 that's different than the usual thing to do something, it's like you have to be the best at it. Yeah, Jackie Robinson couldn't be just a fine center fielder. You've got to really come in there and fucking slam him. I think it was a shortstop. Yeah, that's the point. Yeah. Sure.

Starting point is 01:05:39 All right, round number two. Which of the following is not a real rapper? A, Lance Da 6'1". Ugh. B, MC Frontalot a lot c stoop the enemy of mankind spelled s-t-o-u-p-e or d tone trump i'm not crazy about any of these already fuck all of this i know mc front a lot is real because that's uh one of those fucking nerdcore rappers oh yeah i went that guy was when i used to listen to the adam carolla podcast when i was in like high school

Starting point is 01:06:04 i remember he was on an episode and and it's just Adam Carolla going, oh yeah, I don't really, I hate this, and I don't know why my producer put you on my show. He's being polite, and he's just like, yeah, yeah, so you made a free album where you talk about fucking Sega? That's nice. Okay, cool, man. Yeah, I went through like a three- What's the deal with these little straws that they give you for the coffee? Is it just-

Starting point is 01:06:26 You know, it just like goes into something. I went through a three-week period where I was real into like the idea of nerdcore hip-hop, and then I literally just woke up one morning and was like, ah, you know what? This is pretty gay. No, we did one of those burn booths where there's a fucking like- They're called the West Coast Avengers, and they were doing like nerd rap at that fucking like zombie festival. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:42 And I was just like, man, there's nobody- It was in the middle of the day. There was like six eight-year-olds like half-heartedly like not and i was just like this is the saddest thing i've ever seen in my fucking life i'm mc grown man in a deadpool hoodie yeah and i was just like guys fucking just build websites like you know yeah what if it was the death star what if you died yeah yeah all right tom your thoughts which one do you think is fake Um It is Lance to 6-1 Emphasy Frontalot

Starting point is 01:07:06 Stoop the Enemy of Mankind Or Tone Trump I say Tone Trump Is the fake one I think it's It was Lance A 7-11 What was it

Starting point is 01:07:16 Lance to 6-1 I think it's Lance to 6-1 Cause it sounds Very similar to Royce to 5-9 I'm wondering If you just kind of Fucking change the syllabus Yeah that's that's correct.

Starting point is 01:07:25 Number two, a fake one. Lance to Six One. Boom. Nicely done. It would be weird to like... I feel like if you're going to be a rapper, you want to kind of fuck around on a different... Joe Budden is like a Joe Biden pun or whatever.

Starting point is 01:07:38 You don't want to go with another rapper. Yeah. You wouldn't want to be another white rapper called Skittle. Right, right. Like Eminem or something. All right, round number three. Which of the following is white rapper called Skittle, you know, like Eminem or something. All right. Round number three. Which of the following is that a real rapper?

Starting point is 01:07:47 A, Young Dre, The Truth. B, Shinobi Stalin. Okay. That's one of those socialist anime Twitter guys who's just like, oh, yeah, it's a cute lady. But all I do is talk about how fucking the Marx had some good ideas. Seize the means of production for those anime body pillows. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:04 The workers must own the factories where we make the things we come into. There are no ethical dubs of Cowboy Bebop under capitalism. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it syncs up pretty good with this fucking riff-raff song. C, your old droog, or D, T-Jane. Man, fuck all of these people. I do like that. I mean, it's like the oldest thought ever, but I mean, just thinking about like when

Starting point is 01:08:27 Tekashi69 is like 80 years old. He's gonna die like in six months. Yeah, but the idea of somebody like, well, I used to be young, but nasty. Now I'm grandpa but nasty. Yeah, well, yeah, just like the fucking six, it's all wrinkled in his forehead, you know, and you can't read it. You're like, does that say

Starting point is 01:08:43 88? And he's like, no, it's a Hitler thing. It's a sex joke. I got it on my face. Mistakes were made. Everybody sounds like Bane. Grandpa Bane. Bane 9. I'm going to say T.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Was it Transjamed or something? T. Jane. Yeah, that guy. Yeah. I think A, the young Dre the Truth is the worst name. I need Shuba Stalin to be real. Shinobi Stalin.

Starting point is 01:09:11 Shinobi's like a ninja, right? Yeah. And what is he? Your old dog? Your old Droog. Droog is what they... That means friend in Clockwork Orange speak. Right. Yeah. Shit. Well, I'm gonna go see just because our fans would know clockwork orange shit uh well uh i actually know that one's real

Starting point is 01:09:31 so fuck you tom uh round number three the fake one d t jane ah that yeah yeah carry on the board i'm so glad good at doing stuff fucking shabu shabu stalin's real or fucking that's it's uh i just like that shabu shabu shabu shabu shabu my favorite thingu Stalin's real or fucking that's I just like the shabu-shabu shabu-shabu my favorite thing I ever went saw was just photoshopped dudes

Starting point is 01:09:51 he killed out of that picture you know yeah that's so yeah yeah cause he would like you know

Starting point is 01:09:55 it was like on the like all that 1984 show where it's like yeah he was never in my cabinet

Starting point is 01:09:58 what are you talking about there's that picture of him and then slowly just like a racist dude I'm like

Starting point is 01:10:02 just take a new group photo Stalin back to the future shit. Yeah, you put on a couple pounds, but you're the dictator of a gigantic, like the biggest country. It's hard to coordinate schedules. I've got stuff to do. They're going to be murdered soon.

Starting point is 01:10:14 Yeah, they have to be poisoned, you know. Everybody's busy. Yeah, yeah. It's me, Stalin. Also, I don't show up on camera. Oh, no, my money. Oh, no, I took all your up on camera. Oh, no. My money. Oh, no. I took all your money.

Starting point is 01:10:27 Stalin is a vampire? Yeah, well, he's a money vampire. Blah. Hey, come on. I want to suck at winning a war. I must stop fucking propping up a coup over here. Prop him a coup. All right.

Starting point is 01:10:44 Round number four, all Asian edition. Great. Hell yeah. A, MC Mong. B, Rice Gum. C, Gyeongwang. Or D, Gangster NIP.

Starting point is 01:10:55 So like, which I believe is a slur. It is, yeah. Well, oops. Is it hyphenated out like that or do you just not want to make me say it, and I just actually, I fucked it up?

Starting point is 01:11:06 No, I, I, I, look, I think nip is one of those gray area ones, where like, yeah,

Starting point is 01:11:10 it's a real bad slur, if you're about to, you know, fly to the Pacific, and kill them during World War II. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:16 I don't know, I apologize to any, I mean, his, Japanese family. It's in his name, I assume. No,

Starting point is 01:11:22 I'm not gonna, well, never mind. What do you got, Tom? Yeah, if it's in his name, i assume he expects white people to say it um and it was in a quote so yeah mazel tov there's also like rich chiga you know you remember like with the fan that guy rule he's awesome but yeah he did that song and he says the n-word in like his first like single or whatever and he's just

Starting point is 01:11:39 like yeah i thought it was funny to just be like a skinny asian guy that said the n-word and then i found out pretty quickly that was not cool. So, my bad. I'm going to go by Rich Brian now. Okay, MC Mung. Isn't Mung... Is Mung a slur? No, no, no, it's not.

Starting point is 01:11:58 No, it's a bean. Oh, really? No, there's also like... I say Rice Guy. There's Mongaloid. Well, and then there's Mung People. Munggum. There's Mongoloid. Well, and then there's Hmong people. Hmong people? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:07 I don't know what that is. I'm actually not sure either, but someone's... You're saying it very confidently. Well, someone's... You look like a Hmong person. Well, someone... I forgot where, but they were like, yeah, there's a lot of Hmong people in here. I'm going to find out I was saying a slur, and it's going to really bum me out.

Starting point is 01:12:21 There was a guy who was dating a girl who had a long-distance relationship with a girl from Serbia on the internet, and he would just lie to her about shit. And he said it's going to really bum me out. It was like my buddy who was dating a girl who had a long-distance relationship with a girl from Serbia on the internet. And he would just lie to her about shit. And still, it's Mongolian. When she came to America, his plan was like, well, yeah, I told her that Arbor Day is a big deal and everybody dresses up like a tree, you know? So she's going to go to work.

Starting point is 01:12:36 And he told her that we all do blackface on Martin Luther King Day and shit like that. And he would just tell her these big outlandish lies or whatever. And I was like, oh, OK. So someone was just trying to get you to like say mung people and make yourself look dumb on a it was me playing a long con all right i'm looking up mung people it's popping up right oh yeah mung people's rolling vietnam war come on oh okay it's pronounced mung okay yeah there's a silent h there yeah and they're oh they're from? Yeah. It's like a religion, right?

Starting point is 01:13:06 Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back to Tom Goss' hardcore, Tardcore History. Yeah, I think the Bolsheviks, I'm pretty sure they were the ones that lit themselves on fire because they didn't like the fighting.

Starting point is 01:13:19 World War II is one of the worldiest wars that there has been. All right, guys, what are your guesses? MC Mong, Ricegum, Gong Wang, or Gangsta? Ricegum, I think that's like an ingredient in like a candy bar. Okay, Tom Goss. I mean, it is, but I also think that,

Starting point is 01:13:34 I mean, Ricegum is also, I think it's mochi, technically. Hmm. I want to say, what was it? Gong Yang? I think that Tom Goss is very serious about any Asian shit. Yeah. Well, yeah, because he went to say, what was it? Gong Yang? I think Tom Goss takes a very serious attack based on any Asian shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:46 Well, yeah, because he went to Japan, guys. He went to Japan once, and therefore is a master of the Orient. Well, I also was fucking, I was raised Buddhist. Like, give me some credit here. You were also raised white. Yeah. I didn't know that for a very large portion of my childhood. I'm going to say C, but I can see all these being real.

Starting point is 01:14:03 All right, yeah. Round number four, C. Tom Goss takes the point. Son of a bitch. We're tied. I'm in the say C, but I can see all these being real. All right. Yeah. Round number four, C. Tom Goss takes the point. Son of a bitch. We're tied. I'm in the lead. Nope. Bitch. We're tied.

Starting point is 01:14:10 Yeah, you guys are tied. All right. I got two. Tom is winning. Wait, you got two. You got to answer differently, and you got to, whoever, first to pick gets it. So, all real or all fake. A, Blackery.

Starting point is 01:14:22 B, Supa Predator. C, K.K. Crush. Or D, Mr. Whip Darkie. All real or all fake? A, Blackery. B, Super Predator. C, KK Crush. Or D, Mr. Whip Darkie. All real. I beat you. Yeah, Tom Gotti. I said all before he said. All right, fine.

Starting point is 01:14:32 I'll take fake. All right. Yeah. Well, let's see. Those are all fake. What? Yeah. Suck my dick.

Starting point is 01:14:40 It's my dick. Oh, wow. And you suck it. Well, that means there's a lot. Eat all the cum like you are in Narnia. That means there's a lot of hate in Sabito Hayes' heart. Chill, Sabito. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:14:52 Fucking calm. Whoa, whoa. Hey, man. You call me a mongrel? What are you, coming up with all this shit? Although Super Predator would be really... You know Kanye's first rap name was Average Black Shoplifter, weirdly enough? Man, that's a really good rap name.

Starting point is 01:15:03 Yeah, yeah. A little bit of Kanye trivia for you here on Tardcore History. Tom Goss explains, oh, here's the deal with Rome. We ran out of people that didn't speak Latin or whatever to rape, and then they didn't have enough gold to keep the aqueducts doing water. I know what you're thinking. There's probably a lot to talk about about Hannibal, and there is, but I'm going to spend nine hours on the elephant situation.

Starting point is 01:15:24 I will be wrong, but I also will be passionate. I was not wrong about anything about the Hannibal, and there is, but I'm going to spend nine hours on the elephant situation. I will be wrong, but I also will be positive. I was not wrong about anything about the Hannibal situation. You fuck. Billions of years ago when the first elephants, single-celled organisms, slowly started to congeal out of amino acids. Eventually, they got big and leathery.

Starting point is 01:15:40 Look, I'm sorry I'm smarter than you guys. Bad news for your knife, because they're too tough. You need to have, like, either a magic sword or a rhino tooth if you want to puncture the skin. Yeah. This made them the perfect thing to storm the gates of Caesar and overthrow the empire. At which point, many stormtroopers were trampled. However, the blaster bolts were ineffective against the superior hides. Meanwhile, a smaller but more trustworthy elephant took the ring to Mount Doom.

Starting point is 01:16:07 Yeah. And he attacked them again and again and again. All right. Mean Boys podcast. We'll be right back with your questions, comments, concerns, et cetera, in the Mean Boys mailbag right after this. And now, sketches. Connor was too lazy to write all the way out.

Starting point is 01:16:30 Autistic Cyclops! His weak point is his eyes! Just hit him with one blast and he'll be taken out for sure! Uh, okay, alright, yeah, I'm getting around to it. Hi, welcome to Cafe Platitude. What can I get started for you? I'll have, uh, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Ooh, and, uh, an order of you miss 100% of the shots you don't take for the table. That was Sketches.

Starting point is 01:16:59 Connor was too lazy to write all the way out. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag. That's where the jingle goes. Jingled. Alright, we got some questions here. If you had a hurricane named after you, how would it be described? What kind of after... What kind of fucking question is that?

Starting point is 01:17:35 Yeah, it would be named Hurricane Fat Guy. And it would be cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Yeah, what are you... If you were a hurricane, how many people would you kill? I'd kill. I'd be a long hurricane, but not that bad. I want to keep to be a big, short her fucking.

Starting point is 01:17:55 Yeah, I'd kill 75 people and two dogs. Dude, my hurricane would be wet, man. Your hurricane would be a tornado. I like the question. You're like, man, I never want them on again. You don't have to name names. Just kind of the general gist of what made it bad for you. Any guests you could have on again and again and never get tired of?

Starting point is 01:18:14 Harry Moore. I don't want to name the Roses as far as bad guys. Oh, Ramsey's bands. Yeah. He's never coming back. Who can we have on forever that we think is always a ton of fun? Gareth. Gareth, for sure.

Starting point is 01:18:27 Every time Gareth walks into this house, a little bit of light enters this house. Ope is fun. Yeah, Kyle Clark. The whole house, yeah. Basically, everybody you've heard on the show more than once are the people we can just hang out with. Yeah, yeah. Everyone else is like... Steve is hilarious.

Starting point is 01:18:41 Yeah, Ren is great. I'd love to just be friends with Steve. Let's make him the official fourth mean boy. I think he'll be into it. Hilarious. Yeah, let's just Photoshop his face over mine. Yeah, Steve Ren is easy. He's just like, oh, man, now I've got to figure out who fucking death to the filth is.

Starting point is 01:18:54 Something called a dork homunculus. Is he the same guy as Venus Christ? Who's this Ryan Colby guy, and why does he tweet me every day? So it looks like the fight isn't happening with at Irish Goodbye Pod. Are you desperate enough to forgive me for the horrible things I said, except at Keith Tells Jokes, you know what he asked to do. First of all, I have to fuck you is what your implication. No, we don't forgive you.

Starting point is 01:19:16 You're fired from being a pig child. We're strapping you to the back of a donkey and sending you out of the village. Here's what you got to do. You got it. You got to punch my Cannon in the face and then all is forgiven. No, do not fly to New York and assault the second most likable

Starting point is 01:19:31 Mike on the Irish. The rules are pretty stringent on this. The only way to return to our heart is by assaulting a rival podcaster physically in person. I'm just kidding. We will give partial credit for you doxing his mom, but

Starting point is 01:19:47 you're going to have to mail her poop if you even want to have your application considered by the board, of which I am the sole member and lead decision maker. I would be fine if you left a burning bag of dog poo on the doorstep of the Choppo Trap House. That's another way to get into our fucking good grades. No, I don't want

Starting point is 01:20:04 no beef with them. I like Chopper. All right, never mind. Just heard who Connor wants to hurt. It's one of the only podcasts I enjoy. I don't even know who's on it. Include this one. Fair enough. I hate it.

Starting point is 01:20:14 You got us. Everyone thinks it's funny to start beefs with other podcasts. I'm starting a beef with my own podcast. It's next level. All right? Some would call it self-sabotage. Ruining the few frayed friendships you still have. It'll be an unlimited wartime economy.

Starting point is 01:20:34 Bro, I have nothing but friends. I'm beloved. Yeah, that's what you are. Okay. What would you guys say is each your biggest comedian? Who gives a shit? As the number one King of the Hill podcast, would Hank Hill be a Trump supporter? Absolutely not.

Starting point is 01:20:47 Absolutely not. I think he'd be one of those Republicans like, well, he's not really our candidate. He would lose him because he ties his ties too long. Like, it would be like, yeah. I wrote a whole thing after the election that genuinely reminded me of King of the Hill because Trump is fucking Buck Strickland, where he's just like a shameless sleazebag con artist. And like America inexplicably fell for it. Yes. One of Keith's thought provoking Facebook editorials where he's like, if you think about it, you know, what's going on in Libya is basically all real monsters, but with terrorism.

Starting point is 01:21:19 And you're like, wow, wow, dude, that's that's perfect for a 90s kid like me that wants to feel like I understand geopolitical upheaval. I don't know, man. I'm just trying. Yeah, but instead of holding onto the eyeballs, it's the hopes of his people. And then he scares kids in a sewer or something. Yeah. Well, if you want to take Connor's clinic on how to tweet like a 15-year-old black girl to desperately get 200 likes, feel fucking free. Yeah, if you want to go ahead and try it and try to do it better than me, you're welcome

Starting point is 01:21:47 to. I don't. I like to write things. No, yeah, they're not good, though. No one reads them. You know, they just see a big, long thing, and they go, I probably put some work into this, and I want Keith to book me on his Blockbuster podcast, so I'll just click like and keep scrolling, you know?

Starting point is 01:22:00 And every once in a while, they write deep in the comments, you know, or whatever. Twitter's fun now. I like Twitter now. Yeah. Don't you try to break up this fight. I'm going to war with you guys. Shut up, Tom. If you guys can fight anybody in history, alive or dead, who would you fight?

Starting point is 01:22:15 Ooh. This is a good one. Jesus. Where's Jay going? Oh, we said history. Yeah. By the way, I don't want him to cancel the fight now. I disagree.

Starting point is 01:22:28 I think it would be hilarious if you guys both got Tom a fight and then got Tom's fight canceled. Yeah. I'm sheer. It's dumb. Because the best part is it's not everybody anymore. It's literally three guys. And I love you guys. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:39 I love you guys. I appreciate it. You know that thing Thomas Jefferson said about slavery where it's like holding an angry dog on a leash and you don't know what to do with it? That's how I feel about the Mean Boys fans, where I'm like, sometimes we give them an assignment and they're a little too much gusto. They are pit bulls that I love them for. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I don't know, guys. Just pick up some trash and tell further instructions.

Starting point is 01:22:59 Send in your suggestions for who we should bully into suicide. Yeah. I will let you guys know as soon as I have a target for you guys and I know who I'm fighting, I'll let you guys know. You guys can go ballistic. It'll be a lot of fun. Yeah. There's a bunch of...

Starting point is 01:23:15 I don't know what's going on here. I think that's all the questions. We got a lot of voicemails, though. Oh, I had a couple on Instagram. Yeah, we got some on Instagram. Oh, yeah, sure. Let's see. Crespo, Crespo, Crespo asks,

Starting point is 01:23:23 Connor, what do you think about the upcoming Broly movie? Are you excited? Yes. Okay. What is Broly? Follow up to this. And Tom and Keith, how much do you not understand or care about this question?

Starting point is 01:23:34 I don't care. I haven't really been following it. Who's Broly? I think it's a Dragon Ball thing. Yeah. Your heart clenched. It doesn't matter who he is. Dragon Ball thing? Yeah. Your heart clenched. It doesn't matter.

Starting point is 01:23:47 It's who he is. He's a fake alien with macho powers. I didn't think he was a real guy. Is he like that green frog? What? That green frog? Exactly what he is. Okay. Next question.

Starting point is 01:23:57 Kermit the Frog. Yeah. Death Radio. I'm the prince of all science here. I've got a power that comes deep from my uh royal bloodline death radio s how about each of you will use one word to describe your lovemaking style uh uh geez just one yeah it's so rich and complex i'm gonna say robust i'm just gonna all right it's not a marinara sauce it blazed pizza fragrant i'm gonna

Starting point is 01:24:26 throw that that emoji with that dude like holding his heart he's thinking i bet you tarts yeah yeah after after when keith's just got done fucking he opens his room and it's like is someone making is someone preparing a sharp cheese in there i'm gonna put down professional curdling operation someone just melting like gorgonzola crumbs Over a fucking kerosene stove Jesus Christ I'm going to go with funny I've never

Starting point is 01:24:49 I've never fucked And not gotten some laughs It's uh Yeah Yeah Uh dark Edgy It's like fucking Christian Slater

Starting point is 01:24:59 Fucking dweeb If you guys want to fuck that Yazu the bear guy From Sesame Street Or whatever That's like part of what you said was wrong His name is Fozzy He's in the Muppets fucking dweeb. If you guys want to fuck that Yazoo the bear guy from Sesame Street or whatever. That's like part of what you said was wrong. His name is Fozzie.

Starting point is 01:25:08 He's hitting the Muppets and shut up. I don't think I like having sex that much. Yazoo the bear. I think it's Are we doing this cycle again?

Starting point is 01:25:16 I feel like every two weeks you're like, I'm going to quit fucking and become a monk and then you're just like, I'm doing cocaine out of a butthole. No, nothing like that.

Starting point is 01:25:22 But I mean, it's like, I just fucking I think I just like I guess I like i just fucking i i think i just like i guess i like making other people happy i think is like one of the few things that makes me feel good and it's like well you can make someone come and it's like yeah that's like that's pretty it's about as happy as you can get i guess yeah you know but in terms of i think for me it's just kind of something to do you know yeah yeah which is why i think you're gonna have

Starting point is 01:25:43 a kid i think about i think about fucking going to have a kid. I think about fucking in the same way like you probably think about, like, I might go check out Jack Reacher, you know? I'm just kind of like, well, I got nothing to do and I guess this is

Starting point is 01:25:54 what I'm supposed to like this. Yeah, I know. That's a good way to spend an hour and a half and not be nine bucks. Yeah. All right. Use booty pass.

Starting point is 01:26:02 That's paid for. Yeah, yeah. Booty pass. Oh, dude, booty pass is collapsing's paid for yeah yeah booty pass oh dude booty pass is collapsing they fucking can't afford all the butts they actually have to pay

Starting point is 01:26:10 for all those butts a lot of people did they thought they cut a deal but they thought they were gonna sell meta butt data alright let's hear these voicemails

Starting point is 01:26:18 it's me what's up mean boys Ian here if you could have sex with any type of sandwich what would it be god damn it. I hate our fans.

Starting point is 01:26:28 Oh, I love it. Oh, what's up, guys? Yeah. All right, you got to fuck a sandwich. You want to go warm. Panini. I feel like it's the tightest of the sandwiches. Yeah, but I just feel like there's not enough room for a dick.

Starting point is 01:26:40 Bro, tuna melt, okay? You fold it in half over the penis. It kind of smells like a pussy if you squint your nose. It smells like a pussy. It's lubed. It smells like a pussy if you get all your information about pussies from eighth graders. Pussy smells more like fish than it does a vegetarian cold cut combo. I don't need smell.

Starting point is 01:26:57 I'm not going to eat it out. What kind of weird fat sex are you having where you're like, I want it to smell the pussy. Let me swirl it around. Yeah, you don't like the smell of pussy? I do, but I mean, I'm not like, oh, you know, fucking. No, I like a fragrant cooch. I'm not going to apologize for that. Well, I'd fuck a hamburger.

Starting point is 01:27:16 Are you happy? A double-double. I like thick sandwiches. I'm going with a Philly cheese steak. Yeah? I feel like that fucking meat is too, like, jagged. You're going to, like, chafe up your dick. Jagged meat.

Starting point is 01:27:27 My dick has conquered more than a few slices of roast beef can throw at me. That's what, I mean, that's kind of. You don't think I fucked some jagged puss? I guess, probably, yeah. Yeah. All right. Pointy bitches? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:41 Yeah. That's Tom's whole deal. I'm sticking to panini. All right. I feel like I wrap it around there and I get one of those ones with pesto inside and I try to use that for lube. Pesto's pretty slippery. I think the cheese whiz is the lube for the cheesesteak

Starting point is 01:27:52 situation. Well, I feel like if you had a puddle of pesto, you could spin out a Mario Kart contestant. Tuna melt. Yeah. Alright. There's your answer, man. The question everyone's been waiting to hear. You should have received something in the mail. I'm just going to keep playing that.

Starting point is 01:28:08 All right. Hey, Mean Boys. So I just called a little while ago. That's a time travel question. I wanted to thank you guys for bringing some enjoyment to my street factory job. But for some reason, I kind of panicked and got off the phone. But thanks for everything you guys do. Have a great day. Bye. to be back for a job, but for some reason I kind of panicked and got off the phone. But thanks for everything you guys do.

Starting point is 01:28:28 Have a great day. Bye. So, yeah, that's the sequel to, I guess, the voicemail before it, which is this one, where I'm looking forward to seeing how he panics. Yeah. As soon as the supervisor's coming around, he's like, oh, fuck, I'm supposed to be moving boxes. But I was asking the Mii boys which Hitler they would fuck, young Hitler or dictator Hitler. The answer is Young Hitler or Dictator Hitler?

Starting point is 01:28:45 The answer is Dictator Hitler. Yeah. Hey, Mean Boys. Calling on my way home from work. I was just off at three. Alright, so we got a question. Would you rather

Starting point is 01:29:01 have a time machine that you can go anywhere in time or anywhere in the world, but you can't return to where your life would have regularly been, or be able to transport your consciousness in your body anywhere in your lifespan? Thank you. Fuck everything. God is dead. Oh, so I can go to, like, see what future Connor's doing or past Connor? Yeah. I wouldn't want to do either of these things. No. Yeah, I don't want to

Starting point is 01:29:33 fuck with me on any timeline. Yeah. That's bad. You know what I mean? I mean, I guess I would pick the former, and I guess I would try to go save history or something. Like, I would just, like... See, I feel like I would... I feel like it would start with me trying to save history, and then just, like... See, I feel like I wouldn't... I feel like it would start with me trying to save history, and then it's like, yeah, I kind of just bought Apple stock,

Starting point is 01:29:49 and then, you know... I feel like I wouldn't really do anything that big in terms of, like, changing the universe, because I don't want to butterfly effect everything and fuck everything up, and I'm not smart enough to avoid that. Yeah. I think I'd sort of live out this life until I get bored,

Starting point is 01:30:04 and then I'd go, like, just, oh, like, what if I just spend like year 50 to like 75 of my life like living in the 1800s or some shit. Like just do something wacky. Yeah. Or just go see what the far future looks like. But do it when I'm old. I'm going to die relatively soon anyway. Yeah, yeah. I guess you'd rather be 80 in the future.

Starting point is 01:30:21 Yeah. Because then you're like, oh, we figured out how to make you live to be 180. I'm like, score. I get to start a new stand-up career at 80 years old in the future. Yeah, because then you're like, oh, we figured out how to make you live to be 180. I'm like, score. I get to start a new stand-up career at 80 years old in the year 5000. Oh, yeah,

Starting point is 01:30:29 and then you're still doing, it's like when you see comics today, they're still doing their Reagan impressions. They're like, oh, fucking thank God Hillary ran because I got this

Starting point is 01:30:36 whole Lewinsky bit I could just redo. How about you, Tom? I don't know. I mean, I've spent a good portion of my life wishing I could do the put your conscious in a different time thing. I've also spent a good amount of my life trying to travel in time, so I don't know which one. Wait, you've spent a lot.

Starting point is 01:30:58 When I was psychotic, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's true. I pictured you making some kind of Calvin and Hobbes cardboard box machine that you were getting into, going like, all right, here we come, year 3000. I guess if I could travel back. Look, I'm never going to be the hottest person, but when the mole people take over, I'm going to be a fucking 10. Okay?

Starting point is 01:31:17 Tom would be the Brad Pitt of mole people. Oh, shit, I overshot it, and now it's just aliens. Fuck. Yeah, I think transferring my conscience into younger me, just being like, oh, I can redo middle school and high school without being fucking cuckoo bananas and just fucking, yeah. Yeah. You know, play football or whatever,

Starting point is 01:31:37 and jingle piano keys or, you know, sleep in a room. Yeah. Wow, big dreams football piano be indoors just like have a regular life for that era

Starting point is 01:31:50 yeah I get that yeah yeah be a normal boy yeah exactly if I could go back and be I think I would just

Starting point is 01:31:55 be so pissed off that I had to do like baby shit you know like if I had like I'm like if I had all my knowledge when I was five

Starting point is 01:32:00 I'd be like I'd just be in first grade like I know how to spell cat for the love of god you know like I would just go nuts yeah I get, I know how to spell cat for the love of God. You know, like I would just go nuts. Yeah, I get that.

Starting point is 01:32:07 All right. Next one. This one. Oh, this is just reading the predictive text. It's going to be a bad one. Hey there, me boys. Kermit the Frog here.

Starting point is 01:32:15 I just wanted to call it. Well, Jordan Peterson is on line three. Well, I know society has natural structures and the women are devout. Yeah, we should make a human pyramid out of pussies and then use it so we can reach the

Starting point is 01:32:27 X-Body Spray. Everyone on the internet's new shitty dad. Yeah, I wrote a lobster. It's a Tesla lobster that Elon made for me. Oh, you charge it on your vape coil. Yeah. No, I'm a big fan of the show. Anyways, now that we got that-

Starting point is 01:32:42 Whoa, Kermit listens? No way. Yo, Kermit, you're crazy for this one. You're crazy for this one, Frog. It's your frog! HBO money, we're looking for some edgier guests to bring on, so just give me or Kermit, or me or Elmo a call

Starting point is 01:32:56 if you want to, you know, find your way down to Sesame Street. Anyways, I gotta let you go. It's Miss Biggie's night to pick me while dressed as the Swedish chef. Fuck everything, God is dead You are bad at Doing things that are funny That uh

Starting point is 01:33:13 Yeah that hurt Oh well that's the show guys Was he trying to diss us? That's the end of the show We can't end like this The show's No this is the last episode That's our swan song

Starting point is 01:33:24 That's our frog song I can't tell he was trying to diss's on the... No, this is the last episode. That's our swan song. That's our frog song. I can't tell he was trying to diss us. No, he was just trying to be like, God, he's being gay. Let's say we don't have edgy enough guests. No, he's saying that he wants us to come be on Sesame Street. On Sesame Street on HBO, yeah. It's a rough voice, guy.

Starting point is 01:33:37 Yeah, Kermit the Frog's young comedian special. I like that we're shitting on it when we literally did a Kermit the Frog impression for a minute in this episode. Wait, that wasn't the real Kermit the Frog. Oh, did we? Tom just goes, wait, we literally did a Kermit the Frog impression. Wait, that wasn't the real Kermit the Frog. Oh, did we? Tom just goes, wait, that wasn't really Kermit the Frog. Is there any other voicemail?

Starting point is 01:33:51 Yeah, we got some. Let's see what we got. Let's do one more. All right. What's going on here? Oh, okay. This will be good. Hey, mean boys.

Starting point is 01:33:58 It's the buffoon from the lagoon. Yeah. Listen, I've got a real weird question for you. I might have been fired from my job for letting the manager know that you cannot sell two-month expired meat to people who work for a living.

Starting point is 01:34:15 It's going to kind of ruin the reputation of your store. What are your thoughts on that, man? Would you eat two-month-old meat? I mean, just what do you think? Let me know on there, boys. Talk to you later-month-old meat? I mean, just... What do you think? Just let me know on there, boys. Talk to you later. Hope you have a great day. Bye.

Starting point is 01:34:29 Alright, look, I know I've been let go, but I brought in a note from the Mean Boys podcast that should rectify any grievances you have. So, yeah, he got in trouble for, like, pointing out his, like, boss's, like, shady meat practices. Yeah, I was like, what are your thoughts on that? Like, we're gonna be like, well, I'm pro old meat. Well, yeah, no, if you're not aging your ham then what's the point of what's the most

Starting point is 01:34:49 like expired or like dubious thing you've ever eaten intentionally uh intentionally i don't fuck with expired i generally am pretty pretty pretty litigious oh actually the two-year expired muffins you guys gave me oh yeah i forgot we made fucking muffins from the great before time yeah no we made fucking civil war fucking pumpkin bread in the middle of the night yeah dark era yeah i just came home to all these muffins and then i ate a couple and you guys were like hey those are pretty expired and i was like oh shit i'm gonna eat some more and that was that was the muffin well there's just like there's like a box of like pumpkin bread mix like that was like belonged to one of the tweakers that occupied this home before we lived here.

Starting point is 01:35:27 And it was just there for the entire time. It's been there for a year and a half that we've been here. And it's two years expired. So it's been on that shelf for six years. Yeah, it was a decade investment in pumpkin bread. Oh, yeah, and Ramsey, I think, had just started doing Ritalin or something. And he's all jacked up in the middle of the night. He's like, I'm fucking making this, guys.

Starting point is 01:35:42 And he's just made the muffin. I'll be honest. It was pretty good. It wasn't bad. It tasted slightly expired. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, no, it didn this, guys. And he just made the muffin. I'll be honest. It was pretty good. It wasn't bad. It tasted slightly expired. I'm not going to lie. No, it didn't taste great. It didn't taste.

Starting point is 01:35:49 Yeah, it wasn't like top shelf muffins. It was like, it tastes very expired, but not as expired as you think. Yeah, so I bought beef at one point. I don't like how this is started. And I cooked some of it, and I put it in the freezer, and I just forgot about it. And then a year later, I found the beef. And I was like, it's pretty frozen. Yeah. And I just cooked some of it. And you ate it?

Starting point is 01:36:07 Yeah. It was fine? It was totally fine. I mean yeah I just had to pick out the teeth and you know ignore its screams. It was substandard beef but it was decent. Tom looks horrified. Yeah it's disgusting. Yeah it wasn't I mean it was frozen. They put ketchup on it. Oh yeah frozen stops time. Well yeah if you're Captain fucking America

Starting point is 01:36:23 like there's evidence. Oh you're Captain fucking America. There's evidence. Oh, you're basing your food logic off of a comic book. Hey, am I dead of beef poisoning? No, I'm not. I mean, not for lack of trying. I mean, I'm dying of slow death of pork AIDS. Beef poisoning. That's what the dumb guy goes.

Starting point is 01:36:41 Oh, yeah, Mama got the beef poisoning, so she's got to poke herself with the medicine sponge. Yeah, I got a case of sugar foot. Oh, yeah, dude. Or the sugars is the best thing to call diabetes. The sugars is pretty fucking funny. Oh, man, that I think is it for the Mean Boys podcast. Yeah, the last episode.

Starting point is 01:36:59 It's been a great ride, guys. We'd like to thank Steve Ranazzisi, Kyle Clark, and the rest. This is where we fade candlele in the Wind in. Yeah, yeah. All my life. We're done. Are you trying to do Dust in the Wind? Oh, that's a different song, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:37:18 Shut up, Tom. All right, so what do you guys have to plug? Not a ton, really, because a lot of the stuff I've been plugging is sort of up in the air because me and you might have a big new job. Yeah, but I'm unemployed. So October 5th and 6th, I'll be in Miami, Oklahoma. September 18th, I'm at the Stillwater in Dana Point. The 20...

Starting point is 01:37:39 Oh, shit. I thought I could do this all from memory. I like the Tom Leans. Tom, plug. Tom, plug. It's like your brain is like an almost empty thing of body wash, shit i thought i could do this all from i like the memory tom plug tom like you're trying it's like your brain is like an almost empty thing of body wash and you're trying to drift to the last drop i'm plugging his dates is the funniest part of the show he's like all right somewhere in new mexico in i think july one of the j months how many j months are there jovember right anyway

Starting point is 01:38:01 jovember jovember 12 or just on Facebook, and I'll forget to write it there. I'll be at a bar with no name somewhere in Saskatoon. Well, I bombed at a bar that didn't have a name. I didn't get a drink ticket either. Look, I'm in San Diego. I'm in Oklahoma. I'm in Dana Point. Look, anywhere where there's a military base.

Starting point is 01:38:23 Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, go ahead. Add me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, anywhere where there's a military base. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, go ahead. Add me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, and I will be posting my shows. And come out to the shows. Yeah, you can catch him bumming cigarettes from servicemen. I don't have my phone on me. So, yeah, go to my social media if you want to come out to one of the shows. All right.

Starting point is 01:38:38 Thanks for listening, gang. Fuck everything. God is dead.

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Mean Boys - EP 153 - Count Sackula

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