Mean Boys - EP 154 - Redneck Ping Pong

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

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so I've just been waiting on bated breath for something terrible to happen to him. No, and his immune system was like, no, but then if he keeps this up, he won't keep eating candy. Yeah, how can we repel the demons? Yeah, yeah. So Tom is not with us here to cut the intro. He's back recuperating. But we've got a great show with just us,

just the damn boys holding it down for you. We wanted to take a quick second. Oh man, we're getting really close. 39 reviews away. God, is it that close? Yep. That's upsetting. They poured in. So 39 iTunes reviews away from our 400 iTunes review goal, which when we reach it, ladies and gentlemen, we will be driving up the grapevine to Fresno, California

to interview Keith Carey's mother. I guarantee you, like, 200% my mom is going to bring a gun to this show. Oh, yeah. And it will not have a serial number and it will get weird. It's going to be. I'm going to get my mom to pull a gun in a Denny's in Fresno. I shit you not. But you guys got to leave us reviews to get it.

It's going to be the Louis C.K. Mark Maron of Mean Boys. You know, it might be the Aurora Theater of Mean Boys. I don't know what goes mean boys except with worse criminals uh being interviewed she's gonna be like the fourth person this year to take out a gun at that danny's uh yeah probably you know well i mean they did have that uh the ill-advised promotion bring a gun and get a free slap a pancakes i called a slap a pancake a slap of pancakes a stack yeah i was like slab slab kind of sense, but you think of the ribs.

A slap is nothing. A slap of pancakes. A slap of slapjacks. That's my unit of pancakes. I don't know how you measure them. You just grab one and just hit someone in the face like you're challenging them to a duel. All right. This is a great review.

Black listener, five stars. Body, I exist. Thank you, Mansu Mansa. Did he say Lottie, I exist? Yeah, he just said black listener, I exist. Oh, I exist. Yeah, yeah.u Mansa. Did he say Lottie? I exist? Yeah, he just said black listener. I exist. Oh, I exist. Yeah, yeah.

That makes two that we know of. That's good for you, man. Yeah, wow. Way to be black, my dude. Thanks for giving us license to do a lot of things. Three more black listener reviews and we get the N-word back. We do. Yeah, I think that's how it works.

We got to show a quorum. And if we can prove that they're still listening, which I can easily fudge those numbers. We're currently in Edward Escrow. Well, that's great. That's the review that I read this week. What else do you got to do? Follow us on all the shit. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. All the

shows are up there. Jump on the Patreon if you haven't already. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. Five bucks a month gets you bonus content every week. An hour of nonsense. Ten bucks a month gets you bonus content every week, an hour of nonsense. Ten bucks a month gets you a goodie. We're doing iron-on patches with the classic logo so you can look like a cool punk rock guy, but then people get close and they're like, oh, you're just a gay podcast dork, and they'll put you in a trash can.

Yeah, yeah, you can get beat up because of this show. I want fucking street gangs out there roving around. Absolutely. I'm going to find the other guys with meanboys patches, and we're going to get together and fucking throw shit at jocks. Yeah, I want the pig children razzing their

local mall. That's really what I want. I want it to be like being a punk rocker in Orange County in the late 70s. Yeah, where you just

kind of look gay. It's a bunch of guys with homemade adolescent shirts getting the shit kicked out of them by football players. We really want you guys to get hurt is what

we're getting at. Yeah, I want you guys to have debilitating spinal issues because of an altercation you had with a man wearing a polo shirt and jump on the patreon uh if you haven't already because we are getting dangerously close to fucking snark week too yeah so there's we're about 90 bucks away from that now i think which god help me is gonna fucking kill me again but uh yeah it'll be good entertainment for you yeah and uh yeah that'll

be that'll be a lot of fun. Seven fucking full Mean Boys shows. Seven bonus episodes. We will play Monopoly again. I'm going to try to find the Frasier edition. And, yeah, follow us on Twitter and Instagram to keep up to date with all the fucking pictures and words pertaining to your favorite podcast. And, of course, go boogie on over to the subreddit, rmeanboys. Participate in some scintillating discussions about the show, the world around it, favorite podcast and of course go uh boogie on over to the subreddit our mean boys participate in some scintillating discussions about uh the show the world around it and some of the themes

explored within and uh if you're even lonelier then uh the fucking discord channel is uh is right there it's uh i don't really know what it is or it's something for video games but you can also uh do that because i've been asked to uh promote that and i can also offer you guys maybe the peak of lonely entertainment. Oh, yeah, this really is. Yeah, friend of the show, Kyle Clark. This is like webcam models for guys that don't like to see their own face in the picture preview. Exactly, yeah, just put their thumb over the lens. Friend of the show, Kyle Clark, who most of you know because we stole you from his fan base over at This Is Rad.

And then pontificated pretty extensively about his fucked up torso. But he's recording his new album in December. he's trying to run it as much as he can uh and what he actually is doing right now is he's willing to skype his hour to anybody who will watch it like a one-on-one skype stand-up comedy special like some sort of awful performance art uh and i will say i've heard a lot of this special it's pretty fucking funny like proof to me that this is not something that That weird Joaquin Phoenix did Yeah, that's a guy who'd do that

And here's the thing, I know it seems stupid It's also, if you're a comic in LA Very hard to get long sets To work on shit Especially when you have to drive around In a wacky Dr. Seuss flying machine As Kyle does When your body is as wobulous as Kyle

Clark's. Truly. I mean, well, he has to get an Uber Black every time because he just simply is too wide. He's got to get an Uber Wacky. Yeah, he's got to fucking take the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile where they bungee cord him to the roof. It's the believe it or not, the most efficient way to transport

a man with that weird of a torso. Yeah, but if you have an hour free and you want to help Kyle put this thing together because he's recording in Atlanta in December, send an email over to thisisradpodcast at gmail.com. Let him know the Mean Boys sent you and let us know how this goes because Lord knows I'm not doing it. Yeah, no, I wouldn't. I would rather have knives in my heart.

I won't even run a joke by my friends. Kyle is easily my third best friend that I still struggle making eye contact with. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because there's just so much goofy shit to look at on the bottom. Exactly. Yeah. Man's a fucking Christmas ornament with a goddamn cardigan on. He's hilarious.

Well, enjoy our melting candle of a friend and enjoy this week's episode of the Mean Boys Podcast with just the boys. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. BattleBots is just grown-up Beyblades. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm a white power hedgehog. Blood and soil and most of the rings. And

going real fast. Well, look, it was a very problematic march. It was over almost immediately. It was the speed of light. Obama in a drill tank. Well, yeah. Dr. Obama. Here'sama here's the problem is the white power hedgehogs the torches can't stay lit they run too fast they're extinguished they got to use electronic torches like the candles at the improv you know those fucking things oh we're back

guys it's been a focus of the beginning of the last several shows and will be until it starts to cool down i assume but tom've got to stop wearing tank tops. Hey, we don't have any guests. It's the three of us. I can be me. Yeah, you look better and worse all at once. I know. We're talking about this stuff. You look kind of jacked, but you also look just disheveled.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like where's my extra will? Like if Amy Schumer had a homeless brother. Hey, that's Todd Schumer. Looking at your tank top, you definitely look like you're getting in good shape, but not to do anything good. You look like you're getting into like the senator murdering shape. Yeah, yeah.

You're like, well, I'm going to need to be able to run a 440 if I'm going to get past the Secret Service is essentially the look you have. 300 more push-ups and I get to go to prison is pretty much the... All right, yeah. As soon as I can bench 250, I'm going to be able to carry enough fertilizer to blow up the post office. And blame it on Mark Maron. I was radicalized by his stamps.com ads. Exactly. Never go to the post office again.

Oh, and neither will anybody. No, I'm Boomer. Stamps.com. I've heard of Boomer, but this is ridiculous. Do the fucking what's-his-face bomber advertisement to not go. I'm lost. Wait, Tom. I am so stuffed up.

We started. Take two. Who's the dude who blew up the post office? Nobody blew up the post office. Timothy McVeigh blew up the Oklahoma City Federal Building. That's what we were referring to. Yeah. I thought someone blew up a post office.

I mean, maybe at some point. I mean, maybe you when you asked to use the bathroom that one time. We sent out the Patreon rewards. But, I mean, that's probably the closest thing. I believe you're still on a watch list because of that event. One of our fans will eventually be like, hey, me boys, this is the Buffoon Lagoon fella. Several sticks of dynamite. Yeah, well, no, you essentially left like a fucking nebula of like chia seeds and dark

energy, you know, at the Echo Park post office. And, you know, they've they've since afforded... Oh, good time. Man. Tom is falling apart in every conceivable way. My face is melting. Because you went for a jog. You can't think, speak, breathe, or hold objects.

It's a combination of that jug for dear life. You tried to get better, and then you completely evaporated into a puddle of blood. You were holding that jug the way a gorilla at the zoo holds a support kitten. It's like a therapy jug, you know? It's the combination of me allergies

We're sponsored by meallergies.com. Every month, me allergies will send you a box of loose pollen and dander. Yeah, and you can blow it into someone's face like fairy dust. And be smoking. That just leads to critics are raving, why would you buy this? That'd be fun. Let's take the pollen challenge.

Let's get all the kids on YouTube doing this, where we just chop up flowers and snort them. Fucking doing rails of dandelions well you do one and then that's one nostril and the other nostrils benadryl and then uh yeah you try to even it out you get a speedball going an upper and a downer man somebody's gonna die it's gonna be the latest it'll be me it'll be me and maybe we'll finally get some press for this goddamn podcast i thought steve ran as easy two years in a row was gonna do it but no so i'm gonna have to trick a bunch of youtube kids into killing themselves for views i don't like that it's come to this but i'm tired of living in a bedroom that has a tile floor look we could the most depressing floor to have in your bedroom you guys didn't want to put more

money into the patrons now we're murdering a bunch of kids not directly just in kind of a manipulative charles manson-y kind of way yeah you know charles manson who went to prison for murder i mean i don't think i think that's you know whether or not that was justified is still uh you know very much up for debate this is a bold stance you're choosing to take uh about it's something that i know very little about by the way i promise you you're wrong uh no man i like what he's saying sweet dreams that's marylandon, you bag of shit. Oh, wait. Charles Manson, Marilyn Manson.

I was talking about Marilyn Manson. What? Yeah, no, I mean Columbine. I mean, he went to jail because, you know. Well, he actually did it. He shot this kid and then he snuck out the back door. Oh, yeah, yeah. He just pinned it on.

Klebold and Harris were innocent, dude. Well, yeah, he doesn't. Well, here's what makes Marilyn Manson such a good shooter. He doesn't show up on videotape. He's a vampire. So he just went in there naked. Yeah, when he's missing two ribs so he can reach down to reload his gun fast. And if you look at it, the police will tell you it's a fly that's close to the camera,

but that's actually a floating pistol that Marilyn Manson was using in the nude with his two storm powers. Keith, you know the names of the Columbine shooters? Yeah. Most people do. Dylan Quay, Wal Klebold and Eric Harris. Yeah. Eric with a K, baby. Well, yeah, I mean.

I think maybe with a C. I don't tell those people. They spelled them wrong on his tattoos, but I mean, he knows them. When I was doing research for some Mean Boys game at some point, there was a dark rabbit hole of Columbine erotica. There's a whole Tumblr subset of sad-eyed Winona Ryder-looking fat girls who just are in love with the Columbine kids and are just like, I could have saved them with my dumb vagina.

And it's real upsetting and real graphic. And probably true. If one person would have fucked one of those kids, it would have been fine. Now we're getting into incel rhetoric or whatever. I'm not saying that they had to. It does just go to show you how dumb like men are is just like oh yeah well i mean if i just touched the boob i wouldn't have to kill everybody like it's a fucking poorly wired we are where it's like well 18 still no boobs time to go to walmart imagine having like think about if i if i told you you had to go buy an arsenal today.

Think about how much work. I'd have to buy a football team? I don't think I could afford that. Come on. You'd have to, like, drive places. You'd have to, like, fill out forms. You'd have to talk to people. It seems like so much less work to just go get laid.

Oh, well, I mean. Even if you suck, like. No, I mean, look, just going out and, like, finding a stranger to fuck thing is, well, I mean, even if you suck, like, no, I mean, look, they're just going out and like me, like finding a stranger to fuck thing is like, I don't know how to do. I've never done that. I've never been like, let me, let me go walk around until I find someone to fuck. Let's go shopping. Uh, yeah, I've never done that either.

And also you can be less social if you're just trying to talk about filling out a form. He just... Yeah, I just write bright red cranexes. No, I just make my mark on it like a lumberjack, and then they give me an envelope full of stamps that I trade for goods at the company store. I like the idea that Tom signs every contract by cutting his hand and just putting his blood on the paper. Yeah. Yeah, Connor will agree with me here.

Buying an arsenal, less eye contact than trying to fuck. So it's easier in that sense. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Yeah. I can fake eye contact. I do the salesman trick of looking between the top of the bridge of your nose, and it looks like you're making eye contact, but you're actually just being robotic.

Yeah, you're just looking into their brain. That's one of Con Man's tips. One of Conner's Autism tips That's what I I've told him In our new segment That we're

That we're debuting Alright guys Yeah no I'm trying to think of More autism tips But that might be The only one Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah don't What else Have a Have a broken Yu-Gi-Oh clock What else do autistic people Yeah no The whole of the vagina Is lower than you think it's going to be. So don't just keep poking her in the stomach.

That's another one I periodically just mention because, you know what, it's going to make a difference. You know what you're thinking, how will you know if it's the butt? You'll know if it's the butt. Yeah. No woman has ever not informed you that you're at the butt. No, I mean, everyone's actually accidentally wrong-holed it once or twice during their rookie season. I've never wrong never wrong hold it and gotten it in i've

done like a wrong hole and just kind of hitting the wall like wiley coyote painted it on exactly yeah i've done that yeah yeah i've never like slipped it in you know and no yeah i'm not like whatever man you lost a lot of steam in that sentence oh man do i look as bad as i feel right now in general yeah yeah you look you look well you're squinting oh do you want some benadryl i got some champ uh maybe you guys might hear tom die before we get you know what i don't want to get sleepy i'm gonna i'm gonna try to just we'll have coffee dude like it's like take a better joke because i'll see if you start getting all fucking robot i mean i'm sorry the middle of the channel. Yeah, I'm sorry. After, like, you know, the government pumped you full of Ativan, you think that you're going to get sleepy from something that, you know, the moms keep in their purse.

Yeah, I'll be honest. I like to think Benadryl has never noticed the effects of it. Yeah. All right. Well, then it's not going to do anything. You look like you're dying. Yeah. I'm a...

Yeah. By the way, Benadryl sounds like a Sonic villain. You know? A little bit? Yeah, I can see that. Maybe? You know? He fights Benadryl or something? Yeah, it's like a badger that they, like, strap a drill to. Yeah. If someone... Yeah, if anyone thinksl sounds like a Sonic villain. You know? A little bit? Yeah, I can see that. Maybe? You know? He fights Benadryl or something?

Yeah, it's like a badger that they, like, strap your drill to. Yeah. Yeah, if anyone thinks I'm... Yeah, fuck. There you go. Are you taking a selfie to post with it? Yeah, so people know I'm... God damn it.

The light. You look like you got stoned on air. Oh, jeez. You passed me a water key. Fucking damn it. Yeah, it's not a great look for you, dude. Why is the cameras blurry? Never mind.

You're just natural. Well, yeah, Tom, you exist in some sort of Bigfoot space where you can't really be captured on film effectively. There's always like a pig pen cloud of like musk and dirt around you. So it's like one of these or two of these. Probably two, I guess, you know, because, because you know it looks like your throat is closing up yeah you are you look like a living ghost did i ever tell you guys the time i uh the one time i rode a horse no no go on i almost died man the allergies got My eyes were red. There was no white in my eyes. I wheezed for like three hours afterwards.

I couldn't fucking stand up after. My arms got all fucking red and itchy, and my face was just... It was miserable. You were allergic to the horse? The horse? Allergic to the horse. Yeah. Yeah, I was allergic to the horse.

I was allergic to the hay and shit around the horse. Why did you not tell me that you had severe horse allergies until right now we've done how many podcasts where we have nothing to talk about and you were just sitting on i am deathly allergic to horses the entire time riding a pony yeah yeah oh that's why tom won't let us show him mr hans you know because he just getsbacks. I just want Tom to have a seizure at a petting zoo. That's where I think this is headed. I want Tom to... Okay, new goal. We're going to make Tom fight a centaur, all right?

He gets to wear a gas mask, but the centaur gets a knife. So sound off in the comments below. Went to the Comedy Central Emmys party last night, for which I was, some would say, underdressed. You wore a t-shirt to an Emmys party. I did, yeah. I was in my kitchen room, and you came out, and you're like, I don't know if I want to go to the party. I'm like, just go, man. Yeah, and you were in your underwear, and then you came back out of your room wearing a camo shirt,

and I'm like, oh, I guess Connor's going to the store. And then I see on Instagram just photos you posted. He's like, I am so underdressed, right? Yeah, I know. Everyone else is like tuxedos and shit. Well, here's my thinking. Because I have Opie's suit, and it's a fine suit. But I'm like, it's going to be the worst suit at the party.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So do I want to be the guy with the shitty suit? Forgettable. Or the best duck hunting shirt. Here's the thing. It's not a duck hunting shirt because it's a ringer tee. So it's got the black and white rings around the arms or whatever and the neck.

So it makes it look cool. I thought I had a great outfit. But I'll find a picture of it. Vanessa Ramos took a picture of me with the South Park guys. Not Matt and Trey, the cardboard cutouts they take so that the P.O.s. Let me make that very clear. Yeah, that's what I thought you meant. I was like, oh, that's kind of neat.

And I'm like, no, you just took a picture near a picture of Cartman. No, exactly. I don't want a picture with it. You know, weirdly, the only person I felt starstruck by was Trevor Moore, because I watched White as Kids You Know when I was a kid. Oh, exactly. No, I wouldn't. I don't want a picture with it. You know, it was weirdly the only person I felt starstruck by was Trevor Moore, because I watched Whitest Kids You Know when I was a kid. Oh, yeah. I know who that is. But I was like, hey, the fuck out of here, David Spade.

We got nothing to talk about. You're small. I got to let you go find the blonde woman to, you know, talk to. So, yeah, that was fucking, that was weird. It's a good shirt. Pat Barker was like fucking just housing beef skewers. And he couldn't find the trash and he's looking at me he's like i don't know where to put these and i was like pat you know you're gonna ditch him in the flower pot and he's

like well i want to eat more first before i make the flower pot maneuver so i see him just stockpile like loose like napkins and like fucking like hors d'oeuvre plating and then and then you know sneak over with his big fucking Lego man body. Where Pat, when he dresses up, has the proportions of a toddler at a wedding. He's just wide and squat and his tie was all fucked up. He just ate a ring off a pillow. Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, he looks like he's like, he really needs this job at the car wash he's interviewing for. Yeah, I'm really bummed I missed the Pat Barker beef heist. Yeah, that was a good time. I couldn't bring a plus one, so me and my girlfriend ate a pie in our underwear while watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

We did it and I'm like, somewhere Connor just had a worse time. Just because these events happened all at once. No, I had a good time, but I do hate that movie. I know you do. I don't like that movie either. It's a fucking bad movie. I'm not going to defend it I mean the first thing you said when you came up

Man some of this did not age well Yeah and I was like it didn't age well when it came out Yeah wait is there like problematic stuff in the movie Well yeah the first 15 minutes are about Just an adult dating a high schooler Oh really It was never like on the back burner But it seemed more charming and wacky in the far-off land of 2011.

Oh, so that's why it says, special thanks to Dane Cook in the credits of the film. They bought a portion of his life rights. Have you seen Dane Cook's 19-year-old girlfriend? I have. Yeah, that's pretty fun. Yeah. I think they're cute together, honestly.

I think they kind of are, too, but also, like, it's weird. I like fat Dane Cook. I like that he's got kind of dad bod now. Oh, a cute together, honestly. I think they kind of are, too, but also it's weird. I like Fat Dane Cook. I like that he's got kind of dad bod now. Oh, a little bit, yeah. He's got a little chub on him. He's not the ripped Ed Hardy monster from 2004. He just kind of looks like a dude now. Yeah, sure.

You know, he doesn't not look like Dennis Miller now. Really? I'm going to pull up Modern Dane Cook and pull up... I'm pulling up modern Dane Cook and modern Dennis Miller. I don't know where you're getting this information from. It seems wrong, but maybe I'm incorrect. I mean, look, I'm going to do a little investigating right now.

While I'm Googling this, let's just... I don't know what Dennis Miller looks like. Nor would I expect you to. All right, that's enough for the preamble. So while I'm looking this up, let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. All right, I'll kick it away.

Yeah, I'll start it here. A woman lifted a can of beans with her vagina on national television. I've heard of Bush's baked beans, but this is ridiculous. Hey. Tangled up in pubes. Welcome to Pussy Pintos. No. All right, guys.

Look, here's the deal. I'm not wrong. Who is that? You're. No, you're wrong. Dennis Miller, Dane Cook. They're similar. They could be related.

They are both white men. That is the beginning and end of the similarity. They could be like brothers-in-law. Yeah, they have brother-in-law similarities. Oh, man. The bald spot. See, he's getting kind of fat. Yeah, he is getting kind of fat.

If you look at the picture of them kissing, it looks like she's inflating him. I got to blow up my boyfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Whoa. Yeah, see? He used to look like John boyfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Whoa. Yeah, see? He used to look like John Krasinski, kind of. Yeah, it was like Dax Shepard.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, now he just kind of looks like Dax Shepard's dad. Yeah, now he looks like he does coke before he goes to his sales job at the RV dealership. I love the car. Yeah, I just did a line on my Samsung Galaxy And now I'm ready to move Fucking earth trotters It was like a really successful telemarketer Yeah

This segment is pretty much true Connor thinks all white men look the same You fucking racist They look similar enough though Yeah I don't know Who is that? It's his girlfriend

Why does his girlfriend look like she's cgi in that photo she does she does look like she looks like a sim she looks like she's in like one of those dating uh simulators yeah have you ever seen those like weird like things where it's like you're a paraplegic that's trapped in a woman's hospital and you gotta find love you know there's one i have actually wanted to play it's just like gay bear daddies and it's just like there's nothing really sexual about it you just try and create like a nice like suburban life as like a gay daddy bear oh and you get in the and the fight the final boss is you decide what carpet you're gonna put in yeah yeah there's like a

challenge we have to try and adopt the chinese baby like it's a whole thing oh okay yeah i'm not gonna lie i don't think that benadryl did much. No, your eyes are somehow crossed and going out. Yeah. Yeah, they are pointing in two very strange directions. You look like a cartoon character that just got hit with an anvil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know in Street Fighter when you get knocked down, there's just birds? You're that.

E. Honda's about to slap your shit. Well, yeah, this goes back to my theory that just medical science as we know it does not apply to tom in the traditional sense where it's like yeah this should reduce inflammation but uh in this case no yeah i'm gonna have to fucking do a nursery rhyme backwards to getting it rid of the sniffles or whatever like whatever weird thing that applies okay a man saved a woman when uh stepping in front of another man swinging a machete at her at a Bakersfield Starbucks. Everyone at that Starbucks was furious that someone cut in line. Nice, man. I love it, but also, fuck you.

You deserve this. I'm dying. What if you died and that joke was the last thing you said? That would be so funny. Get it! Fucking foam. I've been trying to think of what my last word should be. Yeah.

You ever think about that? I do, yeah. Soup. Every time I say something really retarded, I'm like, not like this. Yeah, I guess I don't think. I do think about, like, if I get into a car accident, I'm just like, that's going to be my last show, really. Laughlin or whatever it is. That was the last thing I did.

I got paid $40 to eat it in Valencia and then peed in a bottle. Yeah. All right, guys. An ICE officer was arrested on sodomy charges. Quote tweet. Yeah, for butt fucking the American dream. Hashtag resist. Tweets you may have missed.

Liked by Keith Olbermann. That's pretty good. Speaking of ice, an ice agent was accused of being a serial killer. He repeatedly told his victims, quote, it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the Jose again. All right. I got it. Do you get it? Yeah.

Remember when you proved it? Yeah. Remember when you booed me? Two of those words are kind of close. Yeah. I worked that hard on something. It's related to serial killers. Hey, man. I ate a pie in my underwear last night. You're lucky I wrote anything.

We're all lucky you're alive every day. Yeah. It's a true miracle. Yeah. Speaking of which. All right. This is going to be a weird showdown. A Border Patrol agent has been accused.

This show is going to turn into just me being a hospice nurse for you two. I'm doing fine. It's time for the Mexican bedpan. Here's what's fucked up. During the run, I felt good. I put in a good time, and I was just like, yeah. This is not run related. Did you run directly through a camp of angry gypsies?

Is that what happened? We're debuting a new segment where I flip Tom so he doesn't get bed sores. Yeah, I did a push-up and then my uncle died. No, I got to get my big dipshit spatula that they give you when you care for a 300-pound quadriplegic man. Somebody's got to flip this man cake. Yeah, well, no, we gave him a harmonica holder and put a vape in it so he could smoke. All right. A Border Patrol agent.

God damn it. A Bor- Ah, no! Tom's I can smoke a cigarette alarm is going off. Well, yeah, Tom's alarm went off and he reacted like bees flew out of his phone. Tom is the only man I've ever met who, like, moderate health might kill you. Okay. A Border Patrol agent has been accused of being a serial killer.

Dude, you're supposed to work with ice, not use it to preserve severed heads. Boo! Man, quit fucking... Look, I spent a lot of time on the middle segment. That's also not going to be good. Oh, I love that this is one of the few times you're going to be driving a whole segment. Oh, yeah, and I'm fucking melting. Yeah.

All right, guys. A new report shows that half of all cell phone calls will be scams by next year. In a related story, you should have received something in the mail about your car's extended warranty. That's a little inside joke, gang. Inside baseball. The Satanic Church has adopted a stretch of joke, gang. Inside baseball. That's that. The Satanic Church has adopted a stretch of U.S. highway. So now you can take a cruise down historic Route 6066.

Hey. Numbers. I want to. Yeah, I saw this thing. A guy adopted a highway and used it as an ad for his podcast. Yeah. Like nobody listens to the podcast. We should buy one Mean boys billboard just in the

middle of like no man's land oh yeah we've discussed it because we can get a small we could probably just buy a small town billboard for not that much yeah and just put something upsetting on it you know and just have it be like a fun little pilgrimage for fans in the area like i'll go pose near the yeah the pro the kill a baby billboard. Man, Tom, what are you doing? I'm trying not to sneeze. I think, well, just sneeze. We should preemptively buy, like, the Tom Goss Memorial Highway while he's still alive. There's some, like, tissues over there I stole from Pechanga if you want them. I try to steal.

By the way, that's a money move when you're at a hotel. Steal the tissues because those are expensive and, you know, they can't give you shit for that. I tried to. They're not in the Vons bag. They're on the counter where the box of tissues is by the time we get you're like oh yeah the tissues those should be with the apples and the avocados i can barely see right now by the time we get to the mailbag we're gonna have to give tom that fucking pulp fiction adrenaline shot in the heart yeah yeah just to get him through like that my favorite pokemon is i can't

see okay yeah okay i feel like I'm juggling, man. All right. What? You look like a juggler, but I mean, I know you lack the coordination to stand in a ball. We meant juggalo, right? A man with a face tattoo of a gun was arrested for illegally carrying a gun. You know what the old saying is? A picture shoots a thousand words.

Okay. Okay. Nice. I liked it. Yeah, it was all right. Yeah, you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Stop condescending.

I'm not condescending. Nah, dude. I've never condescended you once in my life. I condescend to you guys all the time. I speak to you as an equal. An Ohio police officer has been given 43 years for his on-duty assault. Assaulting someone is bad enough, but to do it on a big pile of duty? Shameful.

Get the fuck out of here. You get the fuck out of here. You get the audacity to be like, really, sometimes words sound the same. You're a hack. Now enjoy my poop joke. Well, yeah, but here's the thing. Enjoy my incredibly lame poop joke. Mine is better because it has's the thing. Enjoy my incredibly lame poop joke. Mine is better because it has poop in it.

Yours sucks a bag of ass. Wow, a bag of ass. Wow, you've evoked such an amazing image. A real wordsmith. A bag of it. You can't put those in a bag. You use duty, you fucking six-year-old. An anvil of ass.

Yeah, those are pretty good friends. Analville. I mean. Analville. I mean. An anilville. An anilville. That's the new app where you, that's the Game Boy Advance game that Melissa Villasenor plays. It's a Farmville thing. I don't know how I'm going to get there.

She plays Farmville? I think so. Well, I remember like I. What a weird piece of celebrity gossip. Scandalous. Melissa Villasenor is still harvesting her crops. Well, I just feel like every time I see her Instagram story or something I don't know

by the way I know this woman not at all I just see her playing Farmville one time I did a show at a thousand seat theater with Melissa Villasenor

where there was about 12 people in attendance that was pretty funny and after that that was the night I broke the bidet at Rob Van Dam's house man you live a weird life

yeah dude I like the idea that the only people still playing Farmville just become the Amish of the internet. Like, they're just like a simpler time. No, it's not Farmville. I'm thinking of Animal Crossing.

Oh, okay. What the fuck is that? And I was also thinking of Harvest Moon. Oh. Yeah. All right. Which I played on GameCube for a bit, and I was like, why do people do this? I don't know any of these thugs.

Tom, you're into your... Do you want to... Okay, let's power through this. No, we got this. The University of Maryland has created a, quote, safe space for white students. Sorry, what I meant to say was the University of Maryland opened a Panera Bread.

We're salty. Connor's mad because I made fun of his poop joke. Okay. No, I just didn't like it. Mine aren't good either. We don't care about the show anymore. We genuinely do. It's always a game of No, I just didn't like it. And mine aren't good either. We don't care about the show anymore. I genuinely do.

It's always a game of can I overcome your hateful apathy towards the segment that is paying our rent. It's like the Guns N' Roses reunion where we don't make eye contact beforehand. I show up late and then we do a mediocre job. Everybody loves it. We do a mediocre job. Welcome to the jungle. Tom is fat and gay. Guns N' Roses don't like each other. Keith is fat and he ate a pie and I am very mad.

We got questions from the same five people. We're doing a mediocre sketch. We're plugging stuff and we're kind of caring. Not a man. Woo! Man. Not a mean. Yeah, yeah. All right, Ty. Big joke.

A Georgia school is punishing grade schoolers by paddling them. The school is claiming it's not abuse. It's just playing redneck ping pong. That's when you hit white kids? Yeah. That's pretty funny. Okay, there we go. redneck ping pong yeah okay yeah that sounds like some shit they'd say you're like we can't afford nets he's five

we it's like we pulled the joke out of the hole and then you're running to shove it back in yeah yeah we're like well our buddy is infirmed uh by his running disease so let's let's go ahead and tell him he did a better job than he did. And you're like, yeah, it's like... And then Tom breathed too much, so now we have to go to the hospital. I think it's getting better. It sure is.

It definitely is, dude. Are my eyes redder? Your whole everything is red. Yeah, you look like a fucking dummy tomato. I was going to say you look like a Korean apple. All right, guys. An Oklahoma police chief has resigned

due to his neo-Nazi ties. He's now holding the same position at a department only 15 miles away. His transfer to a new district was overseen by the Nazi pope.

Not the pope that wasn't Nazi, but the pope of Nazis. I like that they just moved him to a different priest. Yeah. It's like the idea

that a Nazi pope just has a big hat with a swastika on it. Yeah, yeah. Weren't we doing Leather Pope? You had a leather pope, just a black leather pope uniform. I don't know if we were doing that, but that's funny. I was thinking about that. It was just Glenn Danzig is dressed in a black pope suit. With a leather father.

I also realized that Morrissey is Glenn Danzig for theater kids. Because if you look at their interviews, like modern, it's just like the same. Like, what happened here? I hate being me. Donald Trump drew outrage for denying that 3,000 people died in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He took to Twitter to clarify his remarks, saying, quote, Puerto Ricans aren't people. Is this the last joke? Yeah.

Okay. A high school football coach was fired after players put Viagra in the JV team's water. The coach defended himself saying, I ain't doing anything wrong. I was just watching them practice hard as a rock without drinking the water. Damn it. Like, he just... So he just... He just likes children.

He just wanted to see them hard. Yeah. No, no, no. Wait, what? I'm going to go clear hard. Yeah. No, no, no. Wait, what? I'm going to go clear out my face. No, I need you to explain it. No, he's just enjoying it. We're not ending this segment until you make this joke work.

First, I got to read you a passage from Dostoevsky. And I need you here for this. Also, you have to spell Dostoevsky. All right. D, Russian shit, K-Y. He'sically right. Well that's dick,

Russian poop and then a lubricant. Yeah. There's like six Y's in there right? Isn't there like an unreasonable about a Y's?

No I's. Just Y's. K's that don't make sense. If you let Tom like just talk uninterrupted for long enough, it just becomes slam poetry. In Russia, we cannot afford regular vowels. We can only use sometimes vowels.

That's why all of our names are terrible. We spell hello with Y's and X's. We trade life savings to buy one K. The harshest letter. Truly the hard tack of language they're made of fists russians are the only people that fuck with z's as much as they do like no one else really had throw z's in their name oh you know mexicans are pretty sleepy hello um there we go fucking there's some there's something to keep big meek happy Alright guys A new report states that machines will handle half of the world's workload by 2020 Hey corporate gods

Good luck writing a computer algorithm That can call people fat And remind them of things that happened on King of the Hill that were funny Our jobs are safe It's fucking recession proof dude It's two things everybody needs Food and podcasts Alright well That was a fucking great show.

We're going to take a break. Don't drain my head. Yeah, we're going to put a needle in Tom's fucking cheeks and just squeeze all the pus out of him. Yeah, I don't know what happened. Well, you turned into a stupid blister, and now we've got to go pop you. All right, we'll be right back. The following anonymous op-ed piece was mailed to the New York Times this week. Mitch Henry is facing a test to his authority unlike any faced by a modern assistant manager of a national quick service pretzel establishment.

It's not just that sales are down for the quarter or that Wetzel's Pretzels corporate is upset with his lack of passion for the new jalapeno cheddar flavor twisties promotion. Or even that the mall cops are starting to ask questions about how much time he spends eye-fucking the girl who works at the cell phone kiosk. The real dilemma, which Mr. Henry does not grasp, is that there are members of the Wetzel's Pretzels team itself working to frustrate his worst plans and generally make him look like a dumb shit. A resistance. I should know. I am one of them. To be clear, ours is not the resistance of the guys who work at the PacSun, who just hotbox the storeroom all day and have totally been stealing cargo shorts. We want the Wetzel's Pretzels to succeed, particularly me, as I am too stupid to go to college,

so it's pretty much either work my way up to assistant manager or become a Marine and go get murdered in the desert. But it is our firmly held belief that Mitch is a butthole of the highest order, and that either he must be fired or we shall live in constant threat of being shut down and replaced with a Sbarro. Mitch's failings as a manager are plentiful and super lame-ass. Despite numerous appeals, both verbally and in writing, he refused to give me Thursdays off, despite my insistence that that is the only day I am able to take my cat to dialysis. Take, for example, also his treatment of Darlene, our newest employee with Down syndrome. He has, on multiple occasions,

intentionally spilled a case of pepperonis from our pizza party pretzel in front of her and shouted, Quick, Darlene, how many? We have repeatedly explained that this is insulting and also doesn't make sense, since we're pretty sure he's thinking of autistic people. But he just laughs and says he wishes Darlene was,

quote, one of those blackjack retards, before telling her not to, quote, get any of her goofball germs in the cinnamon sprinkles. And of course there was the incident in the manager's office, when Trevor walked in and discovered Mr. Henry totally playing one of those weird alien porn video games you see in the banner ads on Pornhub. Not even jerking off, just playing it, fully clothed, like just invested in it as a piece of gaming entertainment, with no sexual thrill. He didn't even try to hide it. It would have been less upsetting for him to be masturbating at work than for him to just be playing Martian fuckslut adventure because he thought he was good at it.

That is why we, the Wetzel's Pretzels team, have begun clandestine efforts to sabotage and undermine Mr. Henry's authority. We have started giving away dipping sauces, which carry a retail price of 75 cents apiece for free. As the single drops of rain build and build until they become a mighty wave capable of destroying the strongest dam, so too shall our small act of courage slowly erode the profit margins of this location. Jenny has bravely volunteered to start carving graffiti into the countertop. Super aggressive pro-Hitler shit.

Sure, nobody could technically blame Mr. Henry for that, but it's gonna hurt sales. Like if you're at the mall and hungry for a pretzel and you see that, you're going to think, nah, I'm gonna go to the Annie Anne's over by the Hot Topic. Wetzel's is better, sure, but I just feel like they love Hitler a little too much. Anytime a child approaches our location, we make sure to rub whatever they order on something with peanuts in it. It's only a matter of time before one of these weak-bodied children succumbs to nut poisoning. Then anytime anybody thinks of this Wetzel's pretzels, they'll think, wait, isn't that where that kid died? Yeah, it is. Maybe they could have saved him if their manager wasn't so busy being in love with Hitler. Is a dead child really worth marginally better working conditions? We at

Wetzel's Pretzels say emphatically yes. In closing, I am reminded of a quote from our former manager, Glenn. He once said, we're not just co-workers. Here at Wetzel's Pretzels, we're a family. Glenn was a true leader, a lodestar for effective management. He was flexible about scheduling and always volunteered to work the opening shift on Black Friday because he didn't really celebrate the holidays since his family died in a house fire. Truly the greatest loss I have ever known was Glenn going to work at the hot dog on a stick at the Better Mall. Anyway, fuck Mr. Henry. We are the resistance. And this definitely isn't Garrett writing this because he doesn't even have a cat, so like, don't even bother asking him. And we're back for our middle segment after that short break of fun. And we're going to be doing one of our favorite games.

First time I've hosted this game, Price Check. I feel like shit, dude. Whenever you have to say an official thing, you just become William Shatner, where you're like, I know things go up somewhere. Professional Tom hosting the pod seg show. Yeah, well, no, you sound, it's the vocal equivalent of like two kids in a trench coat trying to see an R-rated movie

is when you try to sound professional. You're like, yes, one grown-up ticket for boo. Your words are like your eyeballs right now because they're both different sizes and they're upsetting. Yeah it's a little yeah and then you just talk like you just read a surprising newspaper headline in 1946 what tojo's back you say he's making a face like he just ate a whole lemon yeah like rind and all is it does it look better or worse? I mean, the same, yeah. Yeah, I mean, bad. Bad.

Yeah. The important thing is not good. Yeah, you look like you're staring into the sun. You look like Giovanni Ribisi tried to eat a porcupine. I don't know who that is. I know, but it's a good reference for anybody listening. You know who that is? No, no, yeah, but I assume.

Sometimes I'm just saying things for people who listen to the show. Who is it? It's an actor. Why would we do that? We got to keep it true to us. Remember when we did a 40-minute interview with Jeff Ross about Sneaky Pete? Giovanni Ribisi is Sneaky Pete. Oh, well, yeah.

I wasn't saying much, but I know the things he was talking about. Anyway, press check. All right. Yeah, you guys know the rules of the game. I'm going to say two things, and you two have to choose which one costs more. Okay, local news. Which one costs more okay local news which one costs more up next scientists say chocolate might help you lose weight more at 11 all right so uh first one uh this is this is the most mean boys thing i've ever seen tom struggling through like a face full of infection to get out of like a proper sentence

while Connor literally ignores him scrolling through photos of himself. You profound faggot. Well, yeah, dude. I got to pick the best one. You're legitimately garbage. First one, the approximation of the cost of the amount of heroin Kurt Cobain, of the amount of heroin that was in Kurt Cobain's system when he died versus one day of a shitty rehab.

I wasn't listening. Could you repeat that? Okay. The approximation. I'm kidding. I was listening. Okay. Yeah, this is a good one.

The amount of heroin. Is this adjusted for inflation? No. Not of the economy of your face. No. Of your swollen cherry tomato head. Well, it's today's heroin prices that I looked up. No, these heroin prices today are killed.

You said one day in a shitty rehab. How did you qualify that it's a shitty rehab? I went with the cheapest rehab. I went with the one that your mom went to. Because they think they don't have a great track record. They rage by a lot. So I just went with. So one day in rehab or enough dope to kill.

He didn't even die. He was just all whooped. No, he's pretty dead, man. He didn't OD. So it's not enough dope to make you OD. No, he OD'd. So that's why the conspiracy is there. So he shot so much heroin, his head exploded?

No. That's your thought process? He was on. No, no. That's why people think that it was a head job is because he was on so much fucking heroin. There's no way he could have possibly been able to stand up, let alone. Well, depending on the strength of his habit at that point, though. Right. He built a tall.

Wait, Kurt Cobain was a nun? I'm not listening. We know. I don't. I'm listening. Is heroin in grams or nun? I'm not listening. We know. I don't. I'm listening. Is heroin in grams or milligrams? I don't know. I like that you're asking questions about a question you know the answer to.

Well, no, you're saying, is it in grams or milligrams? It's like, yeah, whether it's grams or milligrams, you could convert it. It's right. It's grams. It's grams. He took 1.52 grams of heroin. Okay. Which is a lot.

I got to say it's the rehab because, I mean, heroin, even if we're going the highest-priced heroin and the lowest-priced rehab, I think it's definitely the rehab. I think it's the heroin. Okay. Sorry, my phone turned off. All right. The amount of heroin that he was on in his system, around $300. One day at a shitty rehab, $200.

Oh, it's one day. I actually wasn't listening to that part. Yeah, you stupid bitch. That's what I get for maintaining my fucking social media presence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, next one. One MK-19 machine gun from Walmart. I really hate that that sentence

can just be a real thing. Yeah. Or one share of the company that makes M&Ms. What the fuck? Oh, Hershey? No, it's Mars. Oh, it's weird that Mars bars aren't really a thing anymore,

but that's still the name of the chocolate company? Yeah, it is weird. I had to go down a rabbit hole to figure it out. I was like, why is M&M not coming up? And what I like about that is that means that Tom was in the kitchen Googling candy for hours. I was. I just wish I could have walked in on you doing something that fat. I'm not even exaggerating to make you seem dumb.

I guarantee you there was at least two and a half minutes before you realized that they meant Mars a company and not that they make M&Ms on the planet Mars. Oh, yeah. We sent the rover out there to just scoop up more fucking candy shell. Yeah. Yeah, the planet melts in your mouth, not under the feet of astronauts. Now, is there a connection between the machine gun or candy?

Yeah, the rap feud going on right now. Machine Gun Kelly or Eminem. That's actually really funny. There you go. I tried to do something topical. It's as fast as a machine gun can shoot. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sneeze, sneeze. Get it out. Get it out. Dude, here's the thing. You guys don't realize this. If I sneeze... you gotta mark that as your microphone If I sneeze, your clothes Put a hand over your mouth I got face jets I was about to say, are you bragging about your nose jets? You don't have fucking afterburners

There are so many things over there for you to sneeze in There are two rolls of paper towels There is fucking tissues There's, yeah, there's You can sneeze into your dirty tank top. I would rather have you sneeze on me than just keep looking over and seeing you make Jack Nicholson face. Once I sneeze, it won't stop.

The rest of the podcast, I'm just sneezing. You will unleash a force that you can't understand. You've awoken a sneezing giant, fat man. I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Oh, no, what are you taking for it? Pepper Shared by your mom Wow Here's your Friday funnies for the week

Today a racy Kathy comic Yeah So one more time, it's one share in the Mars company Or that machine gun I'm going to say the machine gun is more expensive I will also say the machine gun. All right. One share of Mars, $99.20.

One MK-19 machine gun, $111.55. Man, that should be more than it is. Yeah. That's cheap. Here's the thing. There were multiple. I take back everything I said about getting an arsenal being hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If Keith can afford a gun. Yeah. You can buy it online, too. Oh, neat. I think. I mean, they had prices and info online. I didn't do it. I felt like that...

That's good. I'm just going to send them this episode as, like, if they run a background check on you. I mean, it would be funny to have Tom try to buy a gun just to see the report they give back to him. And a guy just drops a fat manila folder straining at the seams. And he's like, all right, well, where do you want to begin? Do you want to go with your time as the youngest member of the Lizard Club at Dana Point? Or should we get into the more recent domestic terror sketches that you've been a part of? All right. Next one. Adopting a part of. All right. Next one.

Adopting a Chinese girl. Oh, boy. Or a wedding in the city where Woody Allen married his daughter, which is Venice. Venice. Are Venice or other? No, no. Venice, Italy. Okay.

I forgot which European place Venice was in. Italy. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. I forgot which European place Venice was in. Italy. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. They just had a big interview with Sun Yi that came out today. Oh, yeah. Wasn't she like a Woody Allen booster?

Was she like pro Woody Allen? Sun Yi? Yeah. I would hope so, being his wife. Are they still married? Yeah. Oh, I thought they got some sort of divorce on the grounds of yuck. No, no no yeah

they're still happily married pharaoh came out with a thing where it's like hey i like for sure got molested stop saying i didn't yeah yeah uh niche soon yeesh i mean well look i'm trying to vamp while tom clears out his fucking skull here's the deal uh yeah definitely definitely probably did it uh on the other hand it is funny to watch to watch David Blaine swallow a goldfish and then puke it out in his bathtub in the David Blaine. So that's also the one where he goes over to Will Smith's house and stabs his hand for Will Smith. Oh, yeah. And Kanye. One of my reaction to that. It's the best comedy special of all time is David Blaine hurts himself for just weird. So like a list, but weird poll celebrities poll celebrities you know it's like he steals

george bush's watch uh does a card trick for john stewart in iraq and fucking does bdsm on himself for the guy that did summertime like it's such a collection okay the jazzy jeff wanted to come over for the magic show but nobody let him oh man yeah man. Yeah. Okay, so adopting a Chinese baby or a wedding in Venice. Yes. Adopting a Chinese baby is expensive. Now, where are you getting this wedding info? So I got to figure the girls are going for a little cheaper. I don't think there's like, can you even adopt a Chinese boy from China?

Because I feel like they're in high demand. I didn't research that. Okay. This is not like a joke I'm making. This is just. No, I know. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to factor that into my decision. I'm going research that. Okay. This is not like a joke I'm making. This is just a joke. No, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying to factor that into my decision.

I'm going to say... Well, because they treat having kids like a bad booster pack, where you're like, oh, my God, enough with the squirtles. Just send them to the orphanage. Give them to your little brother. Yeah, these fucking plant energy cards or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say adopting a Chinese baby.

Yeah, I'm going with adopting a Chinese baby as well. Oh, okay. You guys are correct. Oh, yeah. I'm going to say Adopting a Chinese Baby. Yeah, I'm going with Adopting a Chinese Baby as well. Oh, okay. You guys are correct. A Wedding in Venice, for under 50 guests, which was his wedding, is about $12,292. Okay, okay. You guys want to take a guess at how much it costs to adopt a Chinese baby girl? $15,000. I'm trying to figure out the salary of a DMV employee and just base it off of the Simpsons

episode where Patty and Selma get an Asian girl. I'm going to say $20,000. $27,000, $356,000. $27,000. Fuck. My face. Tom, it doesn't matter. All right.

All right. Next one. Don't hurt yourself over this one. All right. Don't have you die of number poisoning. Oh, fuck. Okay. Don't sneeze out your frontal lobe trying to tell me the exact amount it costs to purchase

a human life. Tom, over $27,000. When you make the pain face, you look like the guy from the game Operation. Well, it's like, yeah, I've seen Tom go through some gnarly physical trauma. Never have you been more affected than by- Well, can't really see very well yeah you keep having to make faces to see that's why i make the faces i'm just gonna keep remarking on them yeah okay um the cost oh dude you're fucked up bro uh you drink a bottle of rubbing alcohol all right cost of california marriage license verse Adam and Eve 10-inch dildo and Eve's Fleshlight Go.

Hmm. California wedding license versus both those things? Both those things. Wait, one more time. Right back. California marriage license or a Fleshlight and 10-inch dildo. So, yeah, you're having practice sex where you just fuck the Fleshlight with your dildo? Just solutions to problems.

Dildos are expensive. Like, dildos are, they cost more than you'd think. Uh-huh. Really? Yeah, I mean, they're pretty pricey. Okay. You're looking like, you know, a 10-incher? Because I've bought a few dildos, but I feel like I never paid that much for them.

A 10-incher, I feel like you're probably looking at, like, an $80 investment. A 10-incher. Like you had to reel it in. Wow, I got a 10-incher, I feel like you're probably looking at like an $80 investment. A 10-incher. Like you had to reel it in. Wow, look at that. I got a 10-incher on the line. So I'm going to say you're looking at about 80 there. Fleshlight, probably.

Fleshlight's about 80, I think. I don't know how much of a wedding license this is at all. A wedding license. Sorry, go ahead. Well, a lot of poor people, your mom gets married a lot,

so they can't pay that much. But one time she couldn't afford the wedding license and that's the only reason she didn't get married for the sixth time. Well, a lot of poor people. Your mom gets married a lot, so they can't be that much. But one time she couldn't afford the wedding licenses, and that's the only reason she didn't get married for the sixth time. Oh, really? Yeah. I've told that story on the show. Oh, I don't know if you have. Yeah, it's the story about us going to Vegas.

Oh, gotcha. I told it on the Jessa Reed episode. Oh, because when she blew all the money at fucking- Yeah, she gave all the money while we were on the road. At Piccolo Pete's fucking fat kid casino. At Buffalo Bill's pit stop before you go ruin your life, Emporium. Yeah, at the fucking- Oh, the dangerous roller coaster and gas station fucking store. I'm going to say it's the dildo and the flashlight.

Yeah, I'm going to side with Keith there. You guys are right, but it's really close. A California marriage license, $90. An Adam and Eve 10-inch dildo and Eve's Fleshlight Go $94.90. That is pretty good prices. Yeah, Adam and Eve, sponsor us. Why are we not sponsored by them? I don't know.

Cowardly ticket website. People that don't like it when we name their competitors and make false claims about their business practices involving children. I heard Condom Revolution hates Jews. Adam and Eve is the only site we support.

Yeah, why is it that multinational corporations get mad when I bring eugenic humor into my endorsement of their services? I don't think they think ticket slash dot biz or whatever the fuck is a multinational corporation. They probably are. I don't know. They've got to launder that money somewhere. They're murdering your

babies, everybody. I'm kidding. We got any more? it would be if we got two more oh nothing uh the fleshlight go is that like uh that's probably like a maybe it's just the sleeve i know they sold just the sleeve without the fleshlight thing attached yeah is that what that is i thought it was just like them strokers because if every time i've used a fleshlight i've like i've preferred the ones where it doesn't have a case around it because you can get your hand in there. The Fleshlight Go implies some sort of travel. Where are you taking it? Where are you going?

Like, finally, I can bring my Fleshlight. I guess if I, I don't know, if I had one, I'd probably take it with me on the road, you know? Yeah, maybe. I've never used one. I don't think I'm going to. The idea of packing a Fleshlight. Again, that $20 Japanese one that my friend got me when we were in fucking high school

was the best one ever. Yeah, this one, I think that one was about like $35. The dildo was more expensive. Wait, I might be remembering. It doesn't matter. I was playing with a dildo the other day. It's weird how they get the plastic soft. I guess it's some kind of technology that's pretty advanced.

Yeah, it was pretty weird looking up because my tabs next to me were just like, heroin prices next to Del Do, next to marriage license. I love the Ashtar fleshlight. I know we've talked about it before, but it was after Avatar came out, and they just made one that looked like an alien butthole. But it was a weird combination of a butthole and a pussy, so it didn't really look like any hole in nature, you know? So it was just kind of like this weird new thing, and they had a whole porn that went with it james cameron presents an orifice

i never understood like the celebrity flashlights where it's like i you can get fucking the riley reeds pussy you know it feels like the normal pussy we're gonna build yeah i'm like i don't that's not really the i never think like she's got the cutest pussy i never totally buy that they actually did the work i don't really really think they poured a pussy mold into her. I've seen the pictures of them being like, I'm getting molded for Fleshlight or whatever. So I guess they're doing their due diligence. But it's like, you could have just lied.

You know what I mean? Yeah, no one's going to fucking get in there and count the bumps. Yeah. I don't know. Good contribution. Porn people are pretty into that shit. Yeah, that's kind of true. They'll do the research.

I like the idea of mounting them on like a wooden plaque, like you went and hunted them, you know? You can rig it with some sort of Billy Big Mouth Bass scenario. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, where he just sings fucking a Bobby. No, I get a bunch of them, and they do different notes or whatever. You get them to harmonize? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, get on it, Imagineers. Get your thumbs out of your asses and make the fucking vagina choir so you can get my dollar back at the fucking Disney experience. All right, you guys ready for the next one? No, I'm going to keep riffing so you have to fucking drip out of your eyes. I like that you have boogers

coming out of your fucking tear ducts. You have like fucking nasal stigmata at this point. Yeah, I do not look very good right now. Good thing I've been working on myself. All right, next one. Your body looks great. Your face just looks nightmarish. Yeah, you do.

You look great. Yeah. It's not like you have a date or anything tonight. All right, cost of a cage that can fit a human. Oh, this is so good. Versus cost of moving your dog from Europe to America. Okay. Wait, what was the first one?

Oh, cost of a cage that could fit a human inside of it. Oh. Yeah. Versus cost of moving your dog from Europe to America. That would be great. We'll actually have to find that out when we bring in the dog from that video and just do a Maury Povich surprise episode where it's like, hey, we got a special guest. Me boys live in Chicago. Get out here, spot.

And it just mauls you. I don't even know why. I've trained it. I put on a mask of your face while I beat it savagely because, you know, it's already had a bad life. It might as well provide some good Patreon bonus content. The Me Boys podcast does not endorse animal abuse. Okay, so here's the deal. I have looked into the cost of a human-sized cage,

and you probably learned what I learned, which is that if you Google human-sized cage... The internet gets real slow, and someone opens your emails before you get to read them. Yeah, you don't really get, like, super clear answers. I went with the first one that actually had man dimensions. Man dimensions. Oh, by the way, I forgot, Tom.

I got you a Groupon for a go-go dancing class. No reason. I'm going to say the dimensions of man ruled by cowards. They will kneel before me. I'm going to say man dimensions. The cage.

I'm going with the dog. There's a lot of paperwork. You've got a dog through customs. It's a whole deal. Correct answer. Connor is right. Cost of moving your dog from Europe to America, about $1,400. Cost of a cage that can fit a human, at least the first one I found, was $1,127.27.

Okay. Yeah, I found cheaper options. Yeah, but I'll be able to break out of those cages. Keith pled ignorance on that one because he doesn't want everyone to know how much he actually knows about the subject. He was like, well, I don't know. All right, last one. Could be any amount of money to me. The price of Colin Kaepernick's last season in the NFL or the price of 10 million pairs of Nike shoes bought from a Chinese factory?

Ooh, 10 million pairs. And these are factory prices? Like wholesale prices? Are we measuring the cost of Colin Kaepernick's last season in the amount of troop tiers shed? Yeah, how are we like... Are we measuring

in American flags desecrated? Like how are we measuring... Kanye's gonna be on SNL September 29th. What? You're fucking far away! No! Now I have something to live for.

What was I going to say? I like God. I don't like Nike. He's... How much he was paid to play that season? I know. I was doing a bit. I could barely... So he's backup quarterback, right? Yeah. Versus 10 million

pairs of shoes? I gotta go the shoes. Okay. Yeah. Hang on 10 million pairs of shoes? Yes. I got to go the shoes. Okay. Yeah. Hang on, though, because 10 million is a very specific number. Well, even if they're $20, that's 200 million. See, I think Tom found the biggest number that would go over Colin Kaepernick's salary, so I think it's the shoes.

Okay. All right. Okay. Price of Colin Kaepernick's last season, $11.9 million. The price of 10 million pairs of Nikes when they were brought from the factory in China, $5 million. Wait, what? It is 50 cents. They buy it from the factory, 50 cents a shoe. You said the cost of 10 million pairs of Nikes. You didn't clarify that.

What part did I not clarify? The important part. There were factory prices that we were looking at. Oh, like how much it costs to make them? No, how much Nike buys them from the factory. What you really want a segment on Mean Boys to end on is a dead-eyed argument over a technicality. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. I'm still melting.

I'm really sorry about that. That was pricey. It's 50 cents a pair of shoes. That's fucking insane. I still feel like you would be like, I can't afford it. I'm just going to keep wearing these Ziploc bags that I've rubber banded to my ankles. When I weigh 180 pounds, I will consider buying one shoe and I'll buy the other one when I don't eat anything

but one leaf a day. Yeah, I tried to put him on layaway but apparently the gun background check people talked to the layaway guy at the family dollar. Oh, Christ. Yeah, if I let Tom... Oh, your phone's about to fall, bud. You're about to fall, if I let Tom... Oh, your phone's about to fall, bud. Oh, cool.

You're about to fall. Yeah, well, if we let Tom, like, just... Tom's phone is also plugged into a charger that's not plugged in. Oh, yeah, do you have an outlet? Yeah, I do. Tom. Can you just have an umbilical cord for your phone? All right, well, we gotta fix our...

We gotta figure out Tom. We're gonna fuck. We're gonna take it back, everybody. God, my face is fucked. Naughty America. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody.

Does it better. Okay, Miss Jackson, I'm done helping you move, so now I'm going to go. Yeah, I like lemonade. Hey, your dress is broken, and I can't stand up for a while. Oh, okay. All right, it gets bigger. Whoa, whoa, okay. All right, it gets bigger. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, are you sure?

I should have known. All right, everybody, welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. It's time to get into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog?

It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. That was a jingle. And we're going to keep this a little bit truncated because Tom is fucking dying. Yeah, my face is... I'm not dead or dying. I'm just... My face is... Yeah, my face is a lot right now.

Yeah, it just keeps swelling one half of it. Well, yeah, I know. And just the sides of his eyes are just as bloodshot as I've seen any pair of eyes. You're doing a sexy version of the Toxic Avenger right now. I don't know who that is. It's a good reference. All right. That's the new Mean Boys drinking game.

Drink every time Keith says that after me and Tom don't get the joke. Well, yeah, it's about something for you to explain every pop culture event of the past 50 years

to you guys. The fans get it. Yeah. I'm like, somebody, at least one person enjoys every dumb thing I mention.

Most people don't care. Here's a dumb thing I enjoy. Keith has still not put me in a cage. Everyone tweet at him that he has not put me in a cage still. Why are you making European ambulance noises? Looking forward to any new music. Why couldn't I read the word music? Are you guys looking forward to any new music, movies, TV shows,

hockey seasons coming up in the next month or so? Well, Kanye and SNL I just found out about is always an event. Although his last appearance was not his best. But, I mean, you know, what are you going to do? Well, was it just any movie, TV, video, anything? Yeah. I'm looking forward to hockey season. Tenacious D stuff.

Yeah, I'm excited for the new season of American Horror Story just started. I got to find some way to steal someone's cable and watch that. If you're listening and have a cable login, DM it to me. Just learn how to torrent things, Keith. I'm not going to torrent things because I don't want to get our internet shut off every three weeks. No, you got to just add peer block. It's fine. I don't want to.

I would rather just steal someone's cable. Okay. All right. You look exasperated. Yeah, I just don't know. Just steal it. You're already stealing it. It's not like you're getting away with it when you do it, though.

Yeah, I am. You shut our internet down several times. You burned a bridge in Austin. I don't care. It's their problem. We could have stayed in that nice house. Now we're going to have to find some asshole with a beard to let me sleep on their shitty foot. It was uncomfortable at best.

It was fine. It was awkward. You're right. We didn't know them. Okay. So don't get their utility shut off. Because you want to watch Nathan for you. Yeah, because I was trying to watch Nathan for you through their gas line, their utilities,

the utility of internet. The internet's a utility. If it's not on the Monopoly board, it's not a utility. Get fucked. You get fucked. You get fucked. Yeah. Monopoly was made before the Internet. Shut up.

Tom makes a lot of good points. But they've never made another version of Monopoly. It's kept stagnant. They've never updated it. It's like the Bible. They have to get a bunch of popes in a room to get an alteration. All right. Well, that was the mailbag for this week to make an operation. There's no utility information.

Yeah, no, the choo-choo is smoking. That means they've... We're doing Frasieropoly. Whoa, does that exist? Let's just take a quick up with no bet. Oh, man. Yeah, look this up. We're figuring out if things are monopoly.

This is... Frasier... Is it a monopoly? Okay, wait. Hang on. Yeah, I'm making this game for the next episode. All right, Frasier Monopoly. Is Frasier that show about bones?

Frasieropoly? No, you're thinking of bones. What? Tom. Tom. Oh, dude, of course you got Frasieropoly, bro. Rare Monopoly game for TV show employees only, never played. Whoa, so this is like a limited edition wrap party gift.

Imagine you work on Frasier and that's your rap gift? Yo, I got... Fucking Frasier Monopoly? That's as boring as the show. I mean, we got bomber jackets for Roast Battle. I wanted Roast Battleopoly. Dude, we... Where it's like, yeah, it's the Coach T Railroad or whatever.

There's a market for Meanopoly. Yeah, go directly to, I don't know, the belly room. Josh Meyer with his chair. Yeah, to Roe Battle's house. I don't know, the belly room. Josh Meyer with his chair. Yeah, to Rel Battle's house. I don't know how it works exactly. Yeah, so there is a Frasieropoly. But it is rare, so this is a technicality gray area.

By the way, during Snark Week, we are playing Monopoly in the fucking bonus content again. Yo, must have. Yeah. If we get to Snark Week, fucking donate to the Patreon, you guys. Yeah.

All right, this guy writes, contact subject line, Tom got naked at Skankfest? He writes, hey, bitchachos. Okay. I don't fucking care about your opinion on anything, and I don't like that you enjoy the show. I kind of enjoy bitchachos. No, it's bad. It sounds like nachos that are also a bitch.

Oh. When you say it like that, it's even worse. No, no, no, they're just like a rude woman. Yo, nachos for bitches. It's just like nachos that cut you off in traffic. Yeah, nachos that fucking got two black eyes because I already told them twice, right? Come on. Jesus Christ, man.

Oh, I'm trying to get a job writing for the Dice podcast on Gas Digital, which is called I'm Over Here Now, but spelled wrong. Oh, man. I think I was one of the first person to leave an iTunes review for it. I think I just wrote, like, fuck yeah, Dice, man. I just wanted to be, like, memorialized in the early, you know. Yeah, you got to support the Dice. Of what's going to be an iconic podcast.

Oh, most definitely. Yeah, yeah. All right. I happened to see a note on Instagram that Skankfest attendees collectively became the eighth person to see Tom naked. So now I'm sitting here wondering, how can I become the ninth person to be bestowed with such an honor? I've seen Keith and Connor's dicks, but as Mean Boys fans and Tom Goss admirer, I'm aiming

for the trifecta. I got to complete the set. What's it going to take for this guy to see your dick? 500 iTunes reviews. No, 375. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, man. My dick's kind of like Bigfoot.

You never know who's going to be there. I was not planning on doing the Naked Roses Gang Fest. My dick is like Bigfoot. It doesn't exist. My dick is like Bigfoot. It's mostly in the woods. Yeah. My dick is like Bigfoot.

This weird guy with a beard is hunting for it. My dick is like Bigfoot. It's mostly in the woods. Yeah. My dick is like Bigfoot. This weird guy with a beard is hunting for it. My dick is like Bigfoot. It's bad at improv games. Yeah, I have no plans on showing my dick again. I kind of did that last second. They asked me last second to do that. So, yeah, I don't know, man. Just keep praying for it.

Buy him a drink, man. I don't drink. I know, but it's just the symbol. I know, and then you can give it to Keith. Here's a whiskey sour for, yeah, or whatever. I'll just show you my dick. More like a frisky sour. Am I right? Yeah. It's hilarious that like... I'm mad at how much I enjoy the phrase

frisky sour. Keith has wanted to see my dick for a while. That's a good drag name, actually. Yeah, it is pretty good. Yeah. Or like for something, you know, like a roller derby. I like it for a drag queen. I think it's a good drag queen. I want to do Joanna Man for roller derby, where I just go and I would get my ass kicked, though.

I think I'm a ringer, but I just get fucking bulldozed by a bunch of like women with powerful haunches. This is such a fun comedy that the plan is. It's brilliant. I'll put on roller skates and beat up women. Well, yeah. Like, I mean, I thought there's no way those elbows could hurt that much. There's so much arm fat.

But it turns out that just adds mass. I didn't do a little physics before I fucking put on these power shorts. And now I'm fucking hurting. Hey, Mean Boys. I imagine as writers you've all got spec scripts laying around. Wrong. What would the spec script be for an episode? Oh, you do it for what?

I mean, we have the Carnock pilot. That's not a specific. Oh, wait. No, no, no. I misunderstood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a spec yet yeah no i've never i probably will never have one you know i don't like for one that you never sat down and done it well yeah well yeah it's the idea i have is actually the end of the question uh what would be the spec script for an episode of king of the

hill in which the mean boys guest star as either yourselves or characters keep up the good work mike in minneapolis i like that i've wanted i've wanted to do a king of the hill fan fiction where they get tickets to a magical chocolate factory for a long time and i only have one line of dialogue but i think it's strong enough to do that you know like justify writing the whole piece which is hank going oh brittle because he had some peanut brittle you know and that's the candy that he goes to i just like the idea of him just looking untrustingly at like the gumdrop for us yeah yeah yeah oh me and dale would have to do something together yeah oh yeah you guys me dale and bill would have our b plot yeah you'd yeah you'd be the b plot like yeah me yeah yeah the the three friends then you guys would do shit with uh

hank and peggy and uh bobby and shit yeah i would have made fun of a picture of Hank on my podcast with Keith. Yeah. Or we would. I didn't mean to be so possessive in that fucking thing. Yeah, I'm including you. Yeah. You'd be my sidekick. Right.

For the episode of King of the Hill. Yeah, exactly. Look, until you pay me back the $200, you're my sidekick. That's how it works. Whenever one of us borrows money from the other one, we have to be the other guy's sidekick. That's fair. Because it'll be me soon. You'll have to, all right, I'm doing the sound effects.

You got kicked to the Richter seat. Yeah, I got to spin the bow tie. So, yeah, and then, yeah, he would be outraged. We'd get into some kind of tiff, and Hank would have to make a Twitter on Peggy's hilarious. I love Peggy's computer. It's the exact computer that that person has. There's too many characters for Hank Rutherford Hill. Forget Rutherford's his middle name.

So yeah, there's my spec script. Hire me. All right. Big Meek, one of our oldest and most troubling listeners. What's up, Walnut Hedgehogs? Big Meek here. So without going into a long story, I'm getting a nice, beefy insurance payout. Already a great beginning to an anecdote.

Honestly, a great plot for a King of the Hill spec script. Oh, yeah, yeah. A nice, beefy insurance payout. Oh, man. So I just got to look. Yeah, I took out some insurance on my beef, and then Pat Barker did the rest. Oh, yeah.

Nice skewers you got here. Pat Barker, beef thief. Nice skewers you got here. It'd be, beef thief. Nice skewers you got here. It'd be a shame if an unemployed writer were to eat all of them and then throw them in a flower pot. Well, yeah, and then he's going to come back to the party next year and there will be a beef tree, a kebab vine growing up the walls. And they're like, we've tried that. We've had an exterminator. We can't get this fucking kebab grass out of the lawn.

There's only one man. So I have a nice chunk of cash in my pocket of several g's what should i spend it on in before whatever hacky's mean boy says the patron i'm betting keith also what are your plans for the knoxville show if you'll be hanging around the city hit me up uh that we got to keep you posted on but as to what you should spend it on we've looked at commercial hoverboard prices and they are surprisingly competitive there's a jetpack most of you listening can afford right now.

I think Flyboard Air is the name of it. We found some pretty cheap jetpacks, my dude. Are you serious? I could buy one. In the $2,000 to $5,000 range. Oh, we have differing definitions. There's not a $20...

Tommy, if you buy a jetpack before I get you to buy a t-shirt, I'm gonna slap your fucking head off. Hey, I bought that Bush t-shirt. Okay, a t-shirt from this decade. You don't need sleeves. It says blame Yale. You don't need sleeves

when you can master the skies. This is something I've long believed. Dude, I can fly naked. What's the problem? What happened? Is Larry the cable guy the Green Goblin now? I have my answer for the previous question.

Whoever buys me a jet pack, I will show them my dick. That's fair. There you go. Honestly, that is a pretty good trade. Yeah, you whip your dick out for three seconds and you become the trailer park rocketeer. If you buy me a jet pack, I'll get your name tattooed somewhere on Tom. You pick. Wherever you want on Tom's body, I'll tattoo my name.

Dude, could you imagine our neighbor's reaction if I was just flying through the neighborhood? Yeah, because they would be like, oh, no, that man just hit a building and died immediately. Yeah, no, that's going to end. That's 9-11 for LA. That's Tom. Tom takes out the Bank of America building. Here's what happens. Tom loses control, realizes he's running out of gas, but he's too high in the sky.

So he tries to go through a plate glass window of one of the skyscrapers in downtown LA right by our house. He realizes the glass is reinforced, conks his head, falls into a dumpster. That's how he gets to be on Jimmy Kimmel Live. That's why he just explodes. Yeah, yeah Dumpster and then just Blood I just do think it would be funny

If a fat jet-packed man Like crashed into the break room Of a fucking like Wells Fargo corporate office And you're just like Ah shit, my bad I was running out of gas Ooh, donuts, you know

Dude, I would be so happy If I had a jet pack We made it for so long For any other piece of information Dude, I would be so happy if I had a jetpack. We've made it for so long for any other piece of information. Now I'm just fantasizing about being in a jetpack. I'm sorry. Big Meek, buy a fucking jetpack or you're a pussy and I'm removing you from the feeds. I'm going to ban all of your dark web alternate accounts. You better do it.

Of all our fans to have airborne technology, Air Big Beak is near the bottom of the list. He's just going like, No one's near the top. Actually, if you look at the shape of the skulls, but what about our emails? Dude, aren't right jetpackers? He's like, well, the Proud Boys just want to have fun.

Blood and clout. Well, it looks like Stormfront's blasting off again. Man, Stormfront would be a great name for a jetpack. Oh, yeah, dude. I accidentally named my jetpack startup company after a white power website, and I got a lot of funding, but not from the people I'd like to. Yo, we need to get enough jetpacks to start some sort of Jetpack Quidditch League. Jetpack Quidditch?

I tuned out for a while, but I'm tuned back in now. That is an amazing idea. They still have to hold brooms, though. Yeah, I know. That's very important. For no reason. Yeah, yeah. Why is this not a sport already?

Jetpack Quidditch? So many reasons, Tom. Number one, the law. Number two, grievous bodily harm. Number three, jetpack scarcity. Number four, we haven't invented magic balls yet. That's a big one. Number five, cowardice.

Dude, each team gets like a remote-controlled snitch. They can do it with an airplane. Oh, they get a drone. You have to catch a drone on a jetpack. Yeah. And it cuts open your face with a helicopter blade. And it gives you your face with its helicopter blades. And it gives you an Amazon gift card.

Blood rains on just homeless people we could have fed with the technology. No, that will be sports in the future. There's a bunch of people trying to, like, fucking, you know, catch a drone on their, like, hoverboards for fucking meal token, like, Bitcoin things. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a cryptocurrency we use to get meal paste from the, you know. Everything's going to be as dystopian as we thought it would, but we're all just going to be pretty excited about it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's going to be great. It's like, whoa, dude. That's in the books, too. I mean, sure they have a complete 3D, like, algorithm of what my face looks like, but I'm a talking hot dog and I can text it to my mom. Well, people talk about, like, the opiate of the masses. Like, people don't love opiates. Like. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's like, yeah, people are addicted to that shit

because it's great. Yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, I'm going to do so much fucking fart TV shows that I can't, I'm not even able to shoot myself in the head anymore because I'm too fucked up. All right, one more voicemail. Hello, Mean Boys.

You guys really got me into roast battle videos a while ago and made me look up all the stuff I could find on YouTube after the naked roast and Jeff Ross coming to the studio, Precious Crack House. It's not really present in the comedy scene in Germany where I live, although roasting people

has a long tradition over here. Yikes. I am no comedian, as you will soon find out yourself, and roasting your friends when they don't really know this high form of art and comedy makes you look like an asshole.

I still wanted to try my hand at roasting people, so I created a little thing which I call Robot Roast and attached it is an MP3 file. It's called Robot Roast because I use a text-to-speech robot to read the roast.

I have no interest in getting flamed by 72 factory workers from the Midwest on the subreddit for my German accent at this point, maybe later. I hope the voice is easy enough to understand. It's no Joe Urell, but the timing is a bit rough here and there. Okay.

Well, so we're going to play... He's made a robot roasting sketch. Yeah, I like this, but I love that he's like... Nothing... He's like, I do not want to be teased for my beautiful accent. I have added clinical German efficiency to your accent. I've done the most German thing possible in household.

We have automated the hurting of the feelings. I have copied and pasted my remarks into a computer that will do them for me while I drive my Audi to the bratwurst farm where I live. We grow meat. You do not have the technology. We grow meat. We have the whole we water the meat with blood. We have harvested Pat Barker's

beef tree technology. We have stolen the copyright from the unscrupulous American pig child so his son will not be able to read the residuals. We bought it from him from one large cheeseburger. But she just said he would gladly pay me Thursday for the opportunity to eat today. That means a German businessman at the top of a skyscraper and the businessman just has like a silver metal briefcase. They look at each other wordlessly. Opens it. It's just one cheeseburger. This man at the top of a skyscraper and the businessman who has like a silver metal briefcase.

They look at each other wordlessly, opens it. It's just one cheeseburger. Not a good cheeseburger at all. Pat picks it up. He looks at it through like a jeweler's eyes. He has some other fact. I take a bite of it and he's like, it's pure. No, he licks his pinky finger and puts it on one sesame seed and then you're like, okay. All right.

Yeah, yeah. We're good. All right, Tom, are you ready for the robot roast? Oh, yeah. It will be the most cruel of things ever made with this tech. I don't know. Welcome to the first episode of Robot Roast. I, the lifeless voice without empathy, not to be confused with the voice of Connor McSpadden,

will be your host today. Let's roast the mean boys. Keith Carey looks like all he ever eats is Twinkies and Twink-As. His rotting teeth might not be perfect for his comedy career on stage, but once they are all gone they will come in handy for his second career, on his knees behind a gay bar in LA. For this year's Halloween party Connor McSpadden will be dressed as his average sexual performance. Which is a short way of saying he will talk about it on The Mean Boys constantly, lose interest when things start to get real, and ultimately not come at all.

The comedic talent of Tom Goss is a strange thing. When people look at him they don't expect him to have it. He never really trained for it, it just developed on accident because he uses his brain all wrong. He can not control it willingly, but in situations of great need it will burst out and surprise everyone around him. In a way it is a lot like retard strength, which he probably also has. This episode of Robot Roast was brought to you by watching too many roast battles on YouTube.

Fuck everything. God is dead. I like that in this scenario Tom is the kid from Looper. There's just superpowers coming up. They call him the Rainmaker because he sweats a lot. My favorite part of that was when he goes, this is a short way of saying in the middle of a nine-sentence paragraph. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That was weird. There's a language barrier and the lack of, you know, talent.

So, I mean, based on that, good work. I enjoyed it. Yeah, of course you did. Yours was just like, Tom is strong. Mine was just a weird poem. Mine is you are a fat, rotten faggot who sucked dick in the most disrespectful place for a paltry sum of cum and money. Everything you are is foul. I do not care for your existing burn-in fag hell.

I'm like, you have a muscle, dork. You are an unfeeling robot who fucks to feel something but finds that he continues to feel nothing and cannot stop fucking because if he does he will have nothing to write hacky jokes about to tell that casinos stink fag for me it was just like you have many strengths that you cannot could like it sounded like you a goddamn fortune cook it sounded like double adore was telling me I was a wizard. Like, it was just like, you must learn how hard it's your power. In lieu of an owl, we have sent a German singing telegram, which has no melody, tone, or music.

The song goes, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. The German national anthem is one solemn bang of a timpani drum, followed by a child screaming. The German national anthem is the sound of a dial-up modem connecting. You have received mail. All right. Let's play some human voicemail. So thanks for that, man. Yeah, thank you.

That was fun. You know, you don't see that every day. It's not every day that a German guy writes a mean essay about you and has his computer friend read it to you. Yeah, that was a wacky fucking adventure. Yeah. All right, here we go. Hey, mean boys, got a question.

What is it? You said that like a girl smoking a cigarette, wearing red lipstick, trying to flirt. Hey, mean boys, I got a question. What is the best... You said that like a girl smoking a cigarette, wearing red lipstick, trying to flirt. Hey, mean boys, I got a question for you. You ever gotten fucked on a mechanical ball? Yeah, okay. Let's see what's going on here. Hey, mean boys.

Got a question. What is the best combination of dick sucking, finger, top head, bollocks. Bottom, full stroke, full choke. Finger in the butthole. Or, the also classic combination of all three. And to top it off for those ticklers out there, just a real, real slow

tippy top almost there, back off, not going to fucking give a shit. Hello! That's a meme. Well, that was upsetting. That was weird. No, I mean, I was just asking for like, what is the best

dick sucking methodology? Technique, I guess. First of I mean, I was just asking for, like, what is the best dick-sucking methodology. Technique, I guess. First of all, the finger in the butt stuff, like, only do that if somebody has expressed interest. Yeah. Like, no one's ever really been thrilled you snuck one in there. Yeah. I've never had a finger in the butt. You should never put anything in a hole that you didn't ask about that hole.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's why you never dig to China. That's why wet willies are outlawed by the Geneva Convention. For me personally, I like a little bit of stroke action. I think you get up on the head, you do some work there. A lot of head-tongue action.

Balls could kind of take or leave. You don't have to do much to them. Give them a lick. Just let me know they're there. But I don't really want a lot of ball suction or biting or nothing. Yeah, I don't really want any. You leave my balls biting or nothing. Yeah, I don't really want any. You leave my balls out of this. Eat my ass.

Like that, I'm a fan of. Okay. I don't really like blowjobs, as I've discussed. They stress me out. The robot was right about you. I'm just like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my dick's in your mouth. You don't have to do that, nice lady.

I've had to learn to really believe that I'm worthy of getting blown. I don't think I could ever have that level of self-respect or whatever it should be a self-help book because i like doing the opposite job you deserve yeah yeah be the blow job you deserve yeah yeah how did the it's called the most fucking uh tone deaf self-help book how to be okay with getting your dick sucked by conor mcspan and other champagne problems yeah what to spend all of your tv writing money on now that you have several pairs of shoes yeah ah success is too easy i'm bored yeah um well i guess the hand i like hand surprise i guess most people complain about like there's not enough mouths all hand but i've

like had like the full like throat expand i'm like no i just feel it just looks like i'm hurting i don't like looking like i'm hurting anybody see that's my favorite move is I can just, like, fuck the throat. Yeah, that makes me wildly uncomfortable. Tom, where are you at? I just, you know, technique's not a huge deal. You know, mix and match, whatever. Just enthusiasm is fun. I'm with that 100%.

Just, like, if it's, like, excitement, you know? Like, if a girl is getting eaten out and I just was like fucking coming off like that Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, just like, I guess I'm going to eat you out today. Like it would turn you off. Yeah. I take enthusiasm over skill any day of the week. Yeah. Yeah.

That's kind of where I'm at. Yeah. All right. Let's play one more voicemail. Beggars can't be choosers. Yeah. Great question, though. Yeah. I thought begging. But, yeah, that's kind of where I'm at, yeah. All right, let's play one more voicemail. Beggars can't be choosers. Yeah, great question, though. I thought begging, but yeah.

You know, I love that the Mean Boys voicemail has a fucking West Virginia number. What's up, man? Fellas, it's Zach Miller. Let's hope Tom Goss is getting more sex than Keith and Connor, although I highly doubt it. But I hope that's what's happening. That's the whole voicemail.

So, yeah, thanks for that one. That's Zach Miller, disgraced host of Burn Booth. Yeah, living in exile. He didn't do anything wrong. He's just been disgraced as long as we've known him. He's just generally a disgrace. Wait, what did he say about me? He said he hopes you're getting more sex than me.

Why is everyone interested in my fuck life now? Because you look good and we want you to get laid. Because we're afraid for your safety. Everyone saw that damn sweater, and they want a piece of the action. Dude, that sweater dropped panties. It dropped panties. It is a set. You look good.

You dampened the world. Yeah, now my face is damp. The Goodwill Purchase felt in loins across the country. I can't believe you almost didn't buy that. $3. Literally dozens of women that have been rejected from the Suicide Girls online website gallery thought that you looked pretty hot. You think that girl who didn't really know how to describe a blowjob but spent seven minutes trying

isn't kind of stoked on you? Literally twelves of women with small but respectable funko pop collections thought that you looked pretty hot it's just hilarious race you're part of half twink half elf it's hilarious get connery one ring for the 12 and man so much more about getting me getting laid than i do like i did like reverse psychology i like i just I can't hear you on the patio come up with new schemes that are just variations of guys you could beat up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, I came up with plenty of schemes.

We're not spoiling those schemes. Okay. We might actually go through them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. Just don't call me a hack because we can't reveal what we're thinking of. Okay, but how many times have I heard you go, you know what? I am fighting O'Neal.

That's what's going to happen. And we're like, yeah, maybe, Tom. I guess we'll find out What happens 30 seconds go by Here's why So if you watch The Legion of Skanks backwards

He says O'Neal Scoop So I think that means I'm definitely fighting him Yeah and that kind of Sounds like me So But yeah

Somebody fuck Tom Yeah I guess I don't know Or whatever Or don't Sorry I'll stop taking interest In you being a happy man. Okay, and that's the podcast for this week, fellas.

Hell yeah. That's it, everybody. I think my face is starting to feel better. You look better. Yeah, you do look better. Calm down. All right, well, yeah, we wrote it out. We got all the pollen out of Tom's system.

This is a fun time. Yeah, we had a couple good riffs, and, you know, nobody died. So there we go. I don't know what that was. Fuck everything. God is dead.