Mean Boys - EP 155 - Banana Famine (feat. Dave Ross)

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

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What's up, nerds? New Mean Boys today with Dave Ross. Suicide Buddies. Yeah, what a show. Dave's fucking awesome. Follow him on everything. All his links will be in the show notes. Listen to Suicide Buddies. That'll also be linked in the show notes. Had a fucking blast with the old boy. Yeah, this is a good fucking time. Great episode. Yeah, great episode. So we'd like to thank him again for coming in.

And, man, we're getting within striking distance. The momentum has picked up. We're only 33 iTunes reviews away from the Keith's mother palooza. And this guy writes, Insecurity Guard writes on his review, Realist podcast around five stars. Mean Boys is the realest podcast around. A little redundant, but I appreciate it. I, too, face the challenges of being a fat gay, a constantly on the edge of death ape, and a 7 out of 10 white man.

Actually, when the boys. Edge of death ape and a 7 out of 10 white man. Actually, when the boys... Edge of death ape is so good. 7. That's the harshest burn you could give me because I clearly think I'm an 8. Actually, when the boys mention the juggalos in Bellingham, those juggalos hang out outside of my work in Bellingham. Those are my juggalos, boys.

We're kindred. That's insane. Yeah, I bring people... It's a small world out there. What a bizarre... Yeah, fucking give my regards to the juggalos. Yeah, bring them a ceremonial offering of bugles. I don't know what they eat. Yeah, I don't know.

Mountain Dew and a frightened woman. Yeah, whatever the worst promotional flavor of chip that's currently on the marketplace. Fago and makeup. Yep. Are you describing the taste of your flesh? It tastes like wax, but salty. Yeah. Yep. Are you describing the taste of your flesh? It tastes like wax, but salty. Yeah.

So go leave us an iTunes review. We're getting real close. And jump on the Patreon, because when we get to two grand, we're doing another Snark Week. And again, we're knocking on the door of that. Five bucks a month, weekly bonus content. Another hour of Mean Boys for you to enjoy every single week. And for ten bucks a month, you get a little goodie in the mail this month, an iron-on patch you can adorn your fanny packs, your backpacks, your punk rock jackets, your

JNCOs, whatever you got. I do want to point out, for any Unpops listeners who have drifted over to the show, if we get to Snark Week, we decided on this episode, we're going to try and get Randall Maynard in here for Snark Week and finish off that fucking duel. So, help us out.

Yeah, no, I'm thrilled about it. I've neither listened to or I've never listened to it either. Yeah. Well, you were there. You know what happens vaguely. He's a very forgettable man. I kind of just browned out when he woke up. Everyone was kind of mad at him.

The Adam Todd browned out. Yes. Fucking hate Randall. Let's follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. All the shows are up there now. And pop over to the subreddit. I don't know.

My computer is tripping. Pop over on the subreddit, our mean boys. A lot of people are doing a lot of Tom Goss-related shit posting, which I'm really enjoying. And enjoy an up-to- to the minute discussion on our discord channel uh moderated by our dear listener alexis and uh you guys can play video games together and uh you know just chat about things where i believe part of the monopoly board the monopoly game that's been focus groups is uh yeah as has been worked on there shout out to ed harrison jr who's making that right now yeah it looks fucking awesome i sense i sent some canonical like

corrections but other than that, pretty spot on. It's pretty funny. It's pretty hilarious. Yeah, I love it. Just look at it with Keith. It's pretty fucking great. So, yeah, we'll definitely play that or try to figure out how to make them cheap

and send them out to people or something. We'll definitely do something with that. So, lots of cool shit in the Mi universe, which is a word I coined that I hate. Never say that again going on. So, yeah, go enjoy all that. And in the meantime, sit back, relax, enjoy this week's episode with Dave to the motherfucking Ross right here on the Mean Boys Podcast.

Nobody has ever watched a single YouTube video you've sent them. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Dave Ross. And I'm... A Teddy Ruxpin that only plays Slipknot. What's a Teddy Ruxpin? You don't know Teddy Ruxpin?

No. It's like a Mark Wahlberg bear. You're young. Oh, yeah. You're young. I forget that I'm older. Yeah, no, he's like a teddy bear, but you put a little cassette tape in him and then he...

Oh, like into his chest? Yeah. Like some kind of fucked up video drum shit? Yeah, exactly. I was like, I'm going to have the new... Proto Furby. Yeah. I'll be honest, I thought...

Like a creepier Furby. I thought it was like a fake brand for that Mark Wahlberg movie. I didn't know that was a real thing until just you thought that they created it oh no it's like a real thing ted is like wait is he like a teddy ruxpin that came to life no he's just like a like a separate ted drunk bear he's just a different ted there's wow okay oh i thought it was a teddy ruxpin i mean it makes sense teddy bear yeah it makes sense they're all called ted yeah right i guess yeah yeah Well that was a great show Dave You have anything to plug

Yeah man Hey check me out on Mean Boys Podcast this week Wow fucking Dave Ross Is in the studio Thanks for stopping by man Hey man Thanks for having me

Yeah Dave We're calling this the studio now Yeah Well It's the coldest room in the house That's fair It's we really I guess

I guess we could start podcasting in the podcast room again. I don't think anyone wants to have a shittier, sweatier time doing this show. No, yeah. It's already a deal. Yeah? Hell yeah. Well, give it a minute. I like that.

Fuck yeah. Shut off the AC, lock the doors. This shit's getting weird. Nobody leaves till we see God. I was fully prepared for that. Dave said he'd been warned about the accommodations. What was the pitch that you were given by the people that have been here before you? I don't remember exactly, but I do remember...

Was she just like, bring one of those life straws that they send to Africa? It wasn't specifically the podcast. I just have had conversations with a few comics recently about coming here and they're just like have you been there and i'm like no and they're like oh my god and then one of the stories was like jeff ross went there for the podcast and he was like oh my god what's the story yeah my favorite interaction was just jeff walked by that bed in the kitchen, which is where Tom lives. That's where I live.

He just stared at it for like three minutes. He didn't say anything. Like a Civil War recovering wing of like a hospital. I'm not exaggerating 1% when I say you live on a mattress covered in loose knives. Like, that's what it is. Well, all of our friends give me knives. I don't buy them. They just send them to me.

This is not a good defense. The knives, I don't buy them. They just send them to me. This is not a good defense. The knives? I don't buy the knives. Don't worry. I'm just the type of person that likes knives so much. People give them to me. Don't fret. There's no paper trail for any of these weapons.

All right? Absolutely no way of proving any ownership. They're all just lit. It's a garbage bag full of unlicensed blades. Do what you will. The broadsword that was given to me is in Keith's basement. Wait, why do people give you knives, Drew? I don't know.

Because he seems like a guy who would want a knife. You do seem like a knife guy. I don't dislike knives. I don't know where this started. It just kind of always has been and always will be. Oh, I remember what it was. I did. I killed that person.

I did a show. Oh, I forgot. I was a samurai for many years. a samurai I got a knife gypsy I just kept walking around with a folded up picture of my missing father in my pocket and people thought this man should have a sword that seems like the only way to accomplish this quest I did a show in uh uh San Luis Obispo I said the Booker's house and he had just a bunch of loose weapons from his his old roommate he had some cool Mad Max cosplay, baseball bats with saw blades. And then I just started running around with the sword.

Like, this is fucking awesome. I gave my roommate two weeks warning I was going to get rid of his shit. It's yours now. I was like, fuck yeah. And then everyone saw that. I just posted a picture of you with the sword. A couple Game of Thrones photoshops later, you had a whole fucking ghetto arsenal in your kitchen.

You look like a fucking Mountain Dew orc with that sword. He said a pink mohawk to that floor. He's like, I can't bring my cold steel machete on the plane. So do you want to give it to that fat guy you do your podcast with? And I was like, yeah, sure. I had to talk Tom out of buying a hatchet last night at Walmart. Yeah. Well, we went there for, I was trying to find an electric fly swatter,

which you'd think fucking Walmart would have. They didn't have it. If you thought Marin didn't let the guests talk. We're going to argue about knives in front of you. That's fine, man. I love to learn. Well, you came to the wrong place. All right, so you're at Walmart.

Yeah, and I was just getting, I was so pissed. By the way, Tom goes to Basic Businesses, and his flabbergasted is one of my favorites. Because you took him to Ikea, and he was just like, has anyone ever done a joke about how crazy this place is? And we're like, yeah, everybody that has ever tried comedy. Yeah, well, I just got so pissed they didn't have electric fly swatter. I was like, maybe they have some other. I'm trying to get...

So you were going to hatchet the flies? No, I just was like, it's $4 for a hatchet. It just sounds like a good deal. You just felt like there weren't enough people making fun of you and calling you a juggalo. You thought, I should... I legit... A machete is $7, dude.

At Walmart. Whoa, dude. Capital Walmart. Whoa, dude. Capitalism rocks sometimes. A t-shirt is $10. Let's be honest. Just to put that in perspective. Right. Do you know Shannon Norman in Pittsburgh?

No. I've heard of her, but I don't know her. It's a him. So you have. Yeah, so you're right. So fuck you. No, I've heard the name. I assumed it was a lady.

You're glad handing fakeries will get you nowhere. Yeah, that's it. I'm trying to weasel my way into the lucrative Pittsburgh amateur comic circuit. Yeah. He's really funny. And last time I saw him, he was wasted. And he just started telling me that in a blackout, he didn't remember in the morning. In a blackout, he checked Amazon to see if they sell switchblades.

And they do. And I guess he just ordered like 30 switchblades. And then he just showed up at his house, and he was like, I guess I bought 30 switchblades. And so he has a bunch of switchblades, and every time someone stays at his house, he gives them a switchblade. Apparently, switchblades are like five bucks on Amazon. Well, fucking stop the podcast. I have something I need to do i'm i'm buying at least one because i gotta buy a laptop so i'm gonna buy a laptop and a switchblade only

two charger carrying case go fuck yourself customers who customers also bought yeah uh well yeah you save more when you bundle you you know? Yeah, yeah. That's how I undo the little screws and put cocaine where the battery is and send it to Mexico. God damn. Totally. I like that Tom has also just been wearing two, like, not matching socks for a while. It's the first two socks I could find. All right. Yeah, that explains that.

We do so much work trying to rehab your, like, fashion image, and then you just, with one... It was like a two-year war over me buying pants. It's, yeah. Yeah, what? It's they're socks i feel like i've said what more than on any other podcast i've ever been on what's a two-year war over buying pants i had one pair of seven dollar walmart pants for about what was again slightly more expensive than the machine he bought after we drove to oklahoma in december at which point he got out of the car in the snow and said ah damn it i Slightly more expensive than the machete. These pants that he bought after we drove to Oklahoma in December, at which point he got out of the car in the snow and said, Aw, damn it, I forgot my pants in California.

And bought the cheapest possible pair of... Here's how shitty those pants were. The display, it said pants in quotations. Like Malk from that old Suitsons episode. It's just a machete. Yeah, yeah. We should get him like a grass skirt made of machetes that we just tape to his waist.

Tom is the comptroller of Bullet Town now, so he's got his machete. There are knives on your bed. Those are your pants. Yeah, yeah. I agree with that choice. When the dollar collapses, it's going to be a knife-based economy, all right? Also, man, look, if you sleep in a kitchen on a bed covered in knives, you save your money.

Yeah, you don't really have a loose pants budget. You save it until you can get a room. I agree, but I also think it's kind of like dress for the walls you want, not the wall of your head. I've been dressing nicer. I got this panda shirt. Yeah, which you didn't know was for a rap song. No, I just like pandas.

You thought it was just a cool panda. You're like the world's most dangerous child. That's really what you are. I was legit debating at the Walmart buying one of those net tents to keep the bugs out of my kitchen space because there's so many

fucking bugs in the kitchen. So you could just be the fucking Rudyard Kipling of podcasting? Pick up the fat man's burden. Sleep on a coffee-stained mattress covered in weaponry.

You live how people lived at Guantanamo. That's not true. There's flies and knives. mattress you live how people lived at guantanamo somebody paid for their food yeah i'm starting to have a lot more empathy for my ex-girlfriend who would come over and be like you have to get a job and i'd be like what the what do you mean things are going fine all right it looks like where a person might live yeah this is a people well i've upgraded i mean i got the mini fridge mini fridge now I got that's new I lived in here and fucking sweat box heat for like two years just cuz I don't respect the same thing yeah same exact thing and I was like wait how much is something like that yeah looked it up and I was like 200 bucks I can definitely figure out yeah I think there were finance and many times where I had

the money but I was just like but I don't deserve it totally dude that moment I feel like I'm 30 fucking five and I feel like it was like a year or two ago that I realized that spending money on something I need isn't isn't being isn't going overboard yeah you know I always felt like I can't I haven't I just got new glasses like if I can technically survive, then that's too much. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Totally. But I feel like shit all the time.

This would raise my quality of living. Yeah, but I'm not a fucking billionaire. I don't deserve happiness. Air conditioning is for people with Netflix specials. Yeah, yeah. Totally. She would just look at me like I was some kind of savage, and I'd be like, hey, it's funny.

I just have a dream, lady. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. This is the best I can do right now. that poor poor woman i know yeah no that's most of the upgrades in here are just women that dated me and they're like you could cut you got i can't fuck a guy without shelves i got your shelves because i know yeah man it's the only way that you ever do anything look i'm yeah i've just been pure i've just been sugar mommying my way to a fucking college dorm room and it's you're saying that they bought saying that they bought all these things? No, just the curtains and the shelves. They forced him to buy them.

I guess those little t-shirt hanging thing. They got me that too. The curtains were necessary because I just smoke on that patio and I would just see the weird phantom of them having sex. The tin foil he had put in the window. I had a perfectly good sense to them where I had a blanket

and two nails. That was working great. I didn't think we needed to upgrade the technology, but I guess we got to have a rod and a whole system here. Like I'm the queen of goddamn England. It is weird how the window in your room is like a hundred times as nice as the rest of your room.

It's so nice over there. It's like a brand new sliding window. Single drape. We had a great thing where Keith and I were on the patio It's so nice over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a brand new, what is that called? Like a sliding window. Yeah, single drape. We had a great thing where Keith and I were on the patio working, you know, we're writing, and Keith's got, like, he leaves his cigarettes there, and he goes to take a shit, and I'm like, all right, when Keith's done taking a shit, I know he's going to want to smoke

a cigarette, but I want to jack off. But I also think he's probably jacking off in the bathroom, so I had to go knock on the door and, like, leave the cigarettes by the bathroom so that I could jack off without him interrupting me jacking off, going back to the patio to get the cigarettes. And then about 20 minutes after we both finished jacking off, we're back at the patio working. We just were like, so yeah, we both jacked off. He's like, yeah, yeah, we definitely did. Man, it sounds like you guys are really good friends. Yeah.

You are not wrong. That was weird. Gift of the Magi. It was like an oddly sweet story about like a lot of jacking off. But I got you these combs so you could jack off. That's what's horrifying about that story is it's so gross, but it's also the most understood I've ever felt by any partner in my life. Oh, yeah.

No, I know. Like, ah, you know when I need to come. Yeah, no. I mean, people ask me if I know where he is. Like, I should just know all the time. But I'm just like, I can probably figure it out. I'm like, what is it, Thursday? He was a little sad this morning. Fatburger, you know?

He's just drawing a map of, like, based on my emotional state, the fast foodery. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's taking care of himself Chipotle. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, oh, he's taking care of himself chipotle yeah yeah i'm just like oh he's still trying to do keto so you know and then all is lost he's at that poutine place in hollywood oh yeah no he's at he's at a chego uh just fucking you know listening to the velvet underground and just pounding fucking gravy fries while he writes sad poems into his iphone notes

do you guys need to jerk off now? Yeah, could you give us a minute? Save it for the next segment. But yeah, look, this whole thing kind of feels like it's jerking off. We just brought a grown-up in here, and we're like, look at our bad house. Oh, no. Well, dude, this is the house I lived in up until recently. Dave's got a fucking rocking podcast called Suicide Buddies. We're label mates with you guys, I guess.

Oh, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, so fucking tell the dear listeners about that a little bit. About Suicide Buddies? I think a lot of them would fucking... I've listened to the Derby Crash one. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's a fucking great show. You guys and Hampton are just fucking delightful together.

Oh, thanks, man. That's awesome. Yeah, man. Honestly, like, yeah, Suicide Buddies has become maybe the most fun I have in comedy because it's like... I used to do this podcast called Terrified where I interviewed people about depression and shit and I you know I think about that stuff a lot I like to think about it and

help myself with it and help others with it but that podcast became just about that because the other thing I like to do is be a fucking moron and joke around like I you know there are I'm not just and it got to a point with Terrified where people this happened to me once I was at a show this girl walks up to me and she goes, hey, I love your podcast.

Just wanted you to know my brother's dying of cancer. All right, see you later. And I'm like, what? I'm not just the guy that wants to be sad now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Suicide Buddies is like me and Hampton making like puns about 90s rock bands and like weird fuck and cum jokes. Yeah. And then talking about when you analyze

why someone lost faith in the mortal coil yeah exactly both things both things yeah it's a lot of fun we talk about a different person who killed themselves

every week is what that means and that's the way I feel like a lot of people are like oh you have to approach it with like this weird reverence and this like sadness

and it's like yeah it sucks but like we're allowed to like have a little fun I think it's more unhealthy to just approach it that way. Yeah, it's also like, you know who likes those kind of jokes? The people that want to kill themselves. Yeah, totally.

I can't tell you how many fucking emails we get from people who are like, I've tried to kill myself, and this podcast helps me so much. And I'm like, you know what? If you've never tried to kill yourself or never contemplated it, maybe it's not for you, and that's totally fine. And that makes sense.

You know? Yeah, when we started, I mean, Hampton and I... It's like you're recommending sushi. It's just like, that's not for everybody. Yeah, look. Look, not everybody needs to jerk off every time they take a dump, like Keith. Triggers the prostate. I won't apologize. Yeah, Hampton and I

Were talking about Like he's tried to Kill himself I've thought I've like I've never tried But I've thought about it And wanted to

So many times And so we joke around About it a lot I mean he's a handful Yeah totally He's a ragamuffin He's a real piece of shit Honestly truly deserves it

Try to get through The notes on On fucking You know The Anthony Bourdain. And then another thing about real monsters. He's just crying. I'm sorry, there's a jet engine that just took an improv class taking off into my face for 90 minutes while I try to disseminate four facts.

In fairness, I do the same thing to Hampton. It's his fault. I learned it from him. Yeah, yeah. We both do it. The cycle of abuse continues. Yeah. Goddamn.

Like, I think I'm quick and annoying, but Jesus Christ, Hampton is just fucking, it's like hanging out with an animaniac. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. And like, rarely can people get away with that. You can only get away with that if you're as funny as him. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not there yet.

Dude, he's so. Did you know that? You probably do. I've told everyone this. When Hampton did Just for Laughs, apparently the first thing he said on stage was, if you're listening, you don't know that. You probably do. But it's the biggest comedy festival in the world and it's every year in Montreal.

And he was a new face. The first thing he said on stage in Montreal. The N-word. He just walks up and he goes, do you guys have 9-11 up here? Oh, that rocks. Holy shit. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Did it work? Oh, yeah, crushed. Okay, thank God. Crushed. Oh, man. The only funnier version he says that and then there's just a hushed silence over a filled auditory oh that's fucking great well yeah that's what i like that's what i like growing up as a very insecure person you know just always fucking like do i look okay is everyone mad at me and then like talking shit like having like you know people shitting on each other and just everyone laughing about you like oh it's not that big a deal like i think it's the same thing with like suicide sure it's like yeah it's like that yeah if it takes sort of the the monster out of the closet

when you turn it into a whole thing about you know tears for fears instead of just being like and it's very serious and here's a phone number and if you say anything else you're the devil totally yeah no absolutely i and i that's that's funny the exact same thing happened to me I was like really fucked up and weird and then I made this group of friends where we would just sit around and talk shit and also I wish I had some like video of me back then because I was definitely bad at it at first yeah I was the dude who would be in the group everyone be shitting on each other and laughing and then I just say a thing dead silence and everyone be like what?

Good at it, and it's like yeah, this is all right Yeah I'm not naturally funny at all like I had to like slowly copy and just fall early I just fucking just get the shit kicked Out of me for ten years before I could totally that's probably why my king was Doing a fuckload of open mics was fine with me because i knew that you could learn right uh you were used to emotional abuse emotionally yeah absolutely there is it's true i'm so like used to being shit i grew up in upstate new york where everyone is always shitting on you all the time everywhere you go and so now what's worse is when something happens and no one says anything. What is that, a Gatorade? No.

You're exercising. Yeah, you need those electrolytes. Go get fatty. Yeah, totally. What, from sucking dick? Yeah. Get a little dehydrated. What flavor does that come?

I bet you're doing two a days. Fucking two a gay? Yeah. Two a gay. Gatorade. Fucking two a gay. Yeah. Two a gays. Gatorade. How's that spelled? Yeah.

Dude, seriously, all the time. I literally, when we drove into the town that I lived in, Greenwood Lake, New York, when we were driving to the house that we were moving into for the first time, my mom got lost, and there was a guy fucking trimming bushes outside or something and she goes, hey, excuse me, do you know where Woodbine Avenue is?

And the guy turns around and goes, you don't know where the fuck you are. And I was like, what is happening? Yeah, it's at the corner of suck my dick

and you're a faggot lady. Oh, by the way, this is a bit I was doing for Keith. This is a punchline in Keysack for a joke that he hasn't written yet. It's a, no, if you'll excuse me, I have to go suck my wife's dick. Thank you very much. That's just a joke that you haven't gotten around to writing yet.

I'm furious because I'm going to have to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do that. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. I feel like it could go anywhere. I mean, if it's my mouth, it's kind of where it goes. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I just say it at the end of a bit that tanks yeah yeah that's gonna be my get her done i'm just gonna say it after all of nothing and get standing ovation i just put it on koozies that definitely will happen people love shit like that yeah oh yeah and keith loves saying it you know i just i want to see that show i've been coasting on being a charming hack for many years now. I know what I'm doing. Oh, dude, yeah, fucking same. I just have even less. You, it's like a, you're like a fucking, like a raisin dipped in chocolate. Me, it's just peanut butter in the middle. You know, there's no, it did nothing nutritional at all.

Wait, peanut butter in the middle of a raisin? Yeah, this is a weird metaphor. Peanut butter in the middle of a raisin. Wait, no. That's weird. That's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. That's no peanut butter in the middle of a raisin. That's weird. That's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. That's no peanut butter. I was just saying that I'm even hackier.

That's a big raisin. But now I'm picturing a syringe of peanut butter where I'm just like, yeah, it's my fluffed up peanut butter raisin. I'll rehydrate them for the ultimate food. You're the only person who can make a metaphor where raisins were the good thing. God's worst food. Yeah, you know raisins were the good thing. God's worst food. Yeah, you know raisins, the thing everyone eats and likes?

Yeah, everybody's just coming all the time for raisins. I like raisins. Exactly. You're retarded. Thank you. Well, guys, I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke off, gang? Ay, so topical.

Let's do it. All right. I had to go fucking get the microphones from Ramsey, so that's my excuse for why my jokes are bad this week. Ah, terrific. It's because he flew to Houston and left our microphones at Katie French's house. Wasn't that 15 minutes before the show, though? Yeah, that's when I write all the jokes.

You know, they're not going to be great. All right, guys. Japan has successfully landed robot rovers on an asteroid surface. They plan to bring back samples so we can further study the makeup of Alex Hooper's face. That's a joke about a guy who hasn't even been

on the podcast. What a bizarre choice you just made. Nobody really knows. You know, I wrote a bunch of bad ones thinking like, well, you know, I'll fix them up

before the show and I just didn't do it. I actually wrote, I did a lot of like writing bad ones and then being like, it'll be funny because it's bad.

You know when you do that and then it's never true? I wrote the jokes, which is more than a lot of people could say. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you want to do one? Oh, yeah. Here's one of the bad ones. Let's do it. Yeah, fuck.

A New Zealand grocery store chain has removed a brand of Australian strawberries from their stores after finding needles in them. Where'd they get those strawberries? A haystack? I could out-bad that. I love it. I love it. I hate how much I like that. That's based on a popular aphorism where Dave's from, which is,

Yeah, you fucking gay lord, you couldn't find a strawberry in a haystack. I feel like that joke had to end with, go, what? That guy. You ever tell a joke and then ruin it by laughing at your own joke too much? Yeah, every week on this podcast. It's 100% of what I do. Dude, I remember the first big laugh I ever got was in a Spanish final in college in a huge lecture hall. There were like 500 people in there.

I mean, that wasn't amongst my friends. The proctor explained the whole thing, and we all had our blue book closed. And he was like, all right, time started. Everybody, open your books. I opened it up, and I said very loudly, what the fuck? This isn't English. Destroy the whole room. but I was so happy that I got a big laugh that I lit it more audibly went nightmare everyone's like Jesus

you just fucking beat just got down on your on your knee to propose you just shit your pants you know I love that. That rules. All right, Tom. All right. A banana shipment contained $18 million in cocaine. Huge disappointment to all the people out there trying to snort bananas. Hot shot, shot, shot.

I love how high your eyebrows went. Oh, yeah. I gotta sell it. I got a worse one for that same story. Okay. Me too. Are we going to have a Mexican eyebrows went. Oh, yeah. You're like, gotta sell it. I got a worse one for that same story. Okay. Me too. Are we going to have a Mexican bat off? Sure, yeah.

We call it immigration. Am I right? Come on. Jesus. A woman gave birth in a Burger King bathroom while overdosing on heroin. The Mean Boys podcast is thrilled to welcome my new baby brother. We're only 33 reviews away, I think. All right, guys.

$18 million worth of cocaine was seized inside of large donations of bananas meant for prisoners. This is the biggest blow yet to the underground drug trafficking network of Joaquin El Chimpo Guzman. Dude. Oh, my God. That sucks so bad. I don't get El Chimpo.

First you get the bananas, then you throw the poop, then you get the bananas. You could skip the poop, but it's kind of our thing. We love that shit. Making it not just El Chimpo, but Joaquin El Chimpo Guzman makes it 4% better. It's still very bad. Who's Guzman? El Chapo.

Oh, I thought he was El Chapo. No, he's got a... Well, yeah, his first name is not El. I guess that's fair. I failed out of everything. I failed out of everything. You failed out of modern drug trafficking history class? I failed out of understanding what a name is 101. I failed out of Sean Penn YouTube video 100.

Does El Chapo just mean the chap? I don't know that you're wrong, but that seems wrong. Yeah, couldn't begin to tell you. I don't know. You took a Spanish final. I also have a bananas joke, and I fucking can't wait to tell you all right i don't know you took a spanish fine uh i also have a bananas joke and i fucking can't wait to do it this is the dumbest thing all right uh the texas department of justice found 18 million dollars of cocaine and a shipment of bananas that was donated to

texas prisons the shipment was seized but the bigger problem is that prisoners love bananas riots are broken out across tex Texas prisons led by inmates demanding bananas. Now colloquially referred to as the banana riots, thousands of hunger strikes and tiny rebellions are popping up as a result of the prison banana famine. One inmate was quoted as saying, I gotta have my bananas. Another said, in prison, it's either bananas or murder,

and I'm all out of bananas. Corrections officials are scrambling to restock pantry shelves with bananas but they're coming up shorter than a small banana. I can only think of one word to describe this bananas fiasco. C-R-A-Z-Y. It's crazy.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Holy fucking shit. All right. All right. I'm fired. Dave, you're in. Permanently.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. All I know is after this episode, I want any horny female listener to refer to their horniness as banana famine. Oh, Christ. Justin Bieber was seen acting like he was on drugs while interacting with fans. Damn, sounds like he snorts too many bananas. Fuck. Oh, my God.

This episode's bananas. It was. Okay. C-R-A-Z-Y. A college-bound football player has been marked ineligible to play because he is homeless. Furthermore, Fox 29, based out of Detroit, reported that they found a lot of bananas in his cardboard box. I'm just going to try to make them all about bananas. That's the problem. I have non-banana jokes, and they're not funny, and nothing's going to be funnier than that.

I've debated writing five banana jokes, and I didn't. I'm really upset about it right now. Do we skip you, Keith? What's up? Oh, I don't care, but yeah. Oh, God. Let's do this one. Scientists have discovered octopuses respond positively to high doses of ecstasy.

The study was conducted by the Japanese Institute of Upsetting Pornography Research. I get those octopuses hella horny. Man, I miss the banana shit. You and Molly was kind of octopussy-ing. I mean, you were just touching everything. Yeah, yeah. Me on Molly was just really making everyone afraid for that cat. Just fucking Maximum Keith, because you're already just horny and affable.

I just like to chill and fuck. That's my whole deal. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that cat was having a good time. I don't think anyone was having a great time. Because no matter how experienced you are in cat handling, when you take Molly, you're giving that cat retard pets. was having a good time i don't think anyone was having a great time because if you better get no matter how experienced you are in cat handling when you take molly you're giving that cat retard pets like that's just how it goes down it's just backwards it should you know now put yourself in

my shoes not knowing what the fuck you're talking about i forgot you didn't go on tour with us, Dave. I mean, I feel like... Here's the thing. Keith took Molly in Ann Arbor. I took Molly and I pet a cat. That's all you needed. Oh, okay, sure. We partied too hard on Detroit. And yeah, Keith did a lot of Molly.

And I did an edible and ate an entire cake. Sure. Yeah, yeah. It's very important to remind me. You ate someone's wedding cake. I ate half. You shit on a duffel bag of cake the next day. I ate two halves of different cakes.

One was like a fruit. Speedball, you know? It was like a fruit. That's a Jim Belushi. A speedball. They were both delicious. One was like a berry cream cake. Another one was a peanut butter cake.

Just a banana. Yeah. Tom's never remembered anything he said while high. No, but he knows exactly the makeup of the cakes. It was, yeah. No, I could have killed myself eating that much cake. All right, here. A snake that literally has two separate heads was discovered in Virginia.

Scientists do not know how this happened, but they do know that it's my dick. Oh, yeah, Dave. I forgot to plug your very famous Reddit AMA. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was me. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people don't know. Damn.

What are snakes if not the bananas of the reptile kingdom? I mean, right, guys? They shed their skin. They're shaped like that. Yeah. Yeah, you get it. Waffle House customers were confronted by police when they brought a snake into the restaurant. Officer Samuel Jackson states, I'm sick of the tired of these motherfucking snakes not

passing the motherfucking syrup. All right. It was bad. I took a swing. Yeah. Yeah. You know, snakes always root at diners. I just didn't... Yeah.

Not great patrons. That's what no one ever talks about with snakes. I also don't see... Like, it's a Waffle House. Just bring the fucking snake in. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm sure the Times Square snake guy stops into the McDonald's bathroom and they just

don't deal with it, you know? Yeah. All right, guys, a Minnesota state representative withdrew from his re-election race after his daughter accused him of molesting her for more than a decade. He said in a statement to the press he would be, quote, suspending his campaign to spend more time with his family.

Damn. Solid. That girl got molested, Joe. Bananas. Joe Biden urged senators to treat Brett Kavanaugh's sexual assault accuser better than they treated Anita Hill. Senators responded by saying, quote, of course we will, she's white. Hey. Take that, the system. Mark Wahlberg just released his daily schedule and diet, which includes three hours of working out every day

and eating three turkey burgers, ten turkey meatballs, a protein shake, a New York steak, and diet, which includes three hours of working out every day and eating three turkey burgers, ten turkey meatballs, a protein shake, a New York steak, and fish. This, of course, just confirms what you can tell just looking at him. He is a fucking douche. Oh, yeah, I saw that. The Wahlberg itinerary. It said that he wakes up at 2.30 in the morning and goes to bed at 7.30. That's terrifying.

That's like what a at 7.30. That's terrifying. What? That's like what a murderer does. Yeah. Unless you are working online for a company in Sweden, don't do that. Yeah, totally. I just like to stay on Alaska time. Yeah. They're always on edge and terrifying. He's got his own time zone.

Just did MST. It's Wahlberg time. Have you guys been to Wahlberger? No. He's got his own time zone. Just an MST. It's Wahlberg time. Have you guys been to Wahlberger? No. It's terrible. Sure. No way. He's an actor.

It's the worst. Yeah, I thought you thought it was going to be good. He's not a chef. I like the idea that everyone who works there is just Mark Wahlberg. Well, I thought it might be good because he's not the one cooking it. I thought a restaurant based around a pun and nothing else would be great. No person in the family had ever seen the concept of beef before they opened. Who would have thought a restaurant based around a pun and nothing else would be great? No person in the family had ever seen the concept of beef before they opened it.

Yeah, I mean, at least Bubba Gum Shrimp Factory, there is a legacy of shrimp passion in the Gumby family. It's fictional shrimp, though. It's not real. The shrimp is, they give you actual shrimp. Yeah, they give you actual shrimp. The legacy is fictional. They don't give you a page of dialogue that describes shrimp. Do you want to read the words? Bubba doesn you a page of dialogue that describes shrimp.

Do you want to read the words? Bubba doesn't even describe how to make the shrimp. He just fucking keeps listing off finished products. Well, yeah, no. There's no actual evidence. Because they give away a secret recipe. It wouldn't be financially viable. We could just make our own shrimp at home. Well, we can make our own burger.

People will buy burgers. This is like an argument like the two fun guys who worked at Blockbuster. This is a cut scene from Clerks before they settled on the Death Star Contractors run. You know? Whose turn is it? Tom's. Yeah. Bill Cosby is fighting the sexually violent criminal tag he is

receiving in prison. He is defending himself saying, I'm more of a sleep alchemist of the baby maker. Okay. All right. That was it. That was a lot of wobbles. himself saying, I'm more of a sleep alchemist of the baby maker. Okay. There's a lot of well-wishers. First of all, sleep alchemist of the baby maker is an anime.

That's like what happens when you Google translate the title of Spirited Away. I wrote that joke. I was like, maybe if I could sell the Bill Cosby accent, it would work. It sounded like Andrew Dice Clay, my dude. It did, yeah. Yeah. Alright, I can't do

accents. Alright. I do enjoy that now that you've been podcasting on the bed that you just deliver all of these in repose. You're being painted for some kind of... Yeah, paint me like a real comedian. Yeah, like a husky centerfold. Like a shitty Roman king. Yeah, like you're dressing up like George when he does his glamour shots.

For whatever reason, when I just sit on your bed, it hurts my back. So if I lean back like a cool guy, now I'm... That's what I think is happening. Yeah, I'm a cool guy, man. This is a cool guy. What you look like is like you did too many drugs at the party, and you're trying to keep it together. I just look like that, though. Yeah, that's a good point.

All right, guys. State health officials in Maine have barred a restaurant from getting lobsters high on marijuana before boiling them alive. I've heard of a baked lobster, but this is ridiculous. Oh, my God. Get out of your room. Yeah, that's fair. A teacher was fired for videotaping a kindergarten fight club. The teacher was quoted as saying, the first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club.

The second rule of fight club is no juice boxes before nap time. The third rule is something about a banana. Yeah. I just want to say real quick, I don't feel good about this. Okay. That's shit. But I wrote it and you have to, you know? I don't know.

I feel like we all, all right. Yeah. Christine Blasey Ford has now agreed to testify in an open Senate hearing this Thursday about her sexual assault by Brett Kavanaugh 35 years ago. Man, talk about a throwback Thursday. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's so funny.

Shit. Fuck him. Talk about follow me to my car Friday. A man crushed me Monday. All right. There you go. Yeah, sure. We have to keep going.

Yeah, this is going to get way worse real quick. You know, Dave hasn't given up on his career like we have. He's got hope. Tom, you got anything? I am trying. I think I accidentally deleted my folder. I'm trying to find it. Oh, you do this so often.

This is the first time in a long time. That's true, yeah. Okay. None of us have stepped in to help him. We're just going to awkwardly make him sweat. I'll do another shitty joke while he's figuring it out. Where is it? I have one more. A woman opened fire at a Rite Aid.

Police say they're glad the shooter was female as it resulted in only 70% of the fatalities of a real shooting. Hey. There we go. All right. Realists probably should have said male shooting and not real. All right. How about this one? A New Mexico woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after one of their phones got stuck

in her vagina. Fellas, I've heard of a booty call, but this is ridiculous. We need to retire that this is ridiculous. Over my dead body, Keith. You're reading it too hard, my dude. All right. Yeah, you're right. I should have.

All right, Tom, this is all on you. Oh, this is not a good joke. I found it, though. I should get partial credit right, Tom, this is all on you. Oh, this is not a good joke. I found it, though. I should get partial credit for finding the thing. You did the bare minimum of your job poorly. Yes, but I deserve credit. Absolutely not. Tell the joke.

A man set his daughter's wheelchair on fire with his daughter in it. Upon questioning, he said, okay, fine, she's not faking it. I liked it. That's good. yeah yeah he's like i keep getting to call this fucking van company all right let's get to the bottom all right do you have one more day i don't think so i think that was i think that was five yeah yeah well guys we did it it was the best part about the mexican joke of it always goes on seven minutes longer than probably sure we have lost momentum but we'll be right back with some more shit right after this.

Hey, Laura? Yeah, Sam? What is this? Oh, it's one of those lamps. I found it at a garage sale. I think it says something. Sam, oh my god. Ah! Oh, 10,000 years! I'll give you such a crank in the neck.

Oh, boy, does it feel good to be out of there. All right, you two, what are your names? Where are you from? Sam. Laura? Sam and Laura. I love it. Sam and Laura, maybe we combine your names.

Some sort of Brangelina deal. Maybe Sora or Lamb. I don't know. Lamb sounds like one of those goat-looking dogs, doesn't it? Woof, woof. Save me. Sam, Sam, what the fuck is going on? Well, I've never had a couple as my masters before.

We're your masters? That's right. And you get three wishes. Three strikes and you're out. It's like baseball, but of wishes. Well, we're pretty normal people. We're pretty all right with our lives, I think. It isn't much, but we manage.

I don't know what we need. It's not a problem. You have to have wishes for me to go back to sleep. Three big ones. Let's't know what we need. It's not a problem. You have to have wishes for me to go back to sleep. Three big ones. Let's hear them. All right. Well, I wish we had our own place in the suburbs, not an area with foot traffic, four bedrooms,

white picket fence, kind of place you might raise a kid someday. Poof, done. It's right there down in the outing lane. Give you a guest house and everything, even a pool in the backyard. I wish we were married. Done and done.

Here's the certificate. Enjoy your time together till death do you part, so on and so forth. Thank you for inviting me to the reception. Put me on the chair. What else do we need? Money? I mean, we aren't poor. Let's not be greedy.

Maybe something for Mom and Dad. Oh, that could be good, but what? They're pretty content, too. Look at you lovebirds calling each other's parents Mom and Dad already. Well, there are Mom and Dad already. Well, they're our Mom and Dad. I mean, Dad does like to snowboard and maybe a permanent lift pass? No, something better than that. What should we do, Sam? I don't know.

I'll tell you what, kids. You can keep me around for a while until you figure it out. Whoa, wait a minute. What? Hang on. I thought you two were married. We are. But you're brother and sister. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, man, that's not cool. It's fine now, though. We have a discreet house, and finally we're married. Couldn't have ever happened without you. Please, please, stop talking. We got one more wish, right? Yes, yes, you do. Now, listen to me.

This is very important. Yes, yes, you do. Now, listen to me. This is very important. You, yes you do. Now listen to me. This is very important. You need to wish you will never be able to get pregnant. You cannot have a kid together. It will be fucked up. Look at my parents. They were both gods and cousins and now I'm a fucking genie. I mean, you're probably right. Please, please wish to never get pregnant.

I would like a new hat, though. You cannot be serious. Oh, like the tough guy hat with the puppy? They were out of stock. You have to make sure you don't have a baby. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to get a new hat. No!

Oh, I got the hat. Oh, my God, it's great. Can I borrow it sometime? Yeah, of course, baby. Oh, Sam, we should have wished for two hats. Oh, duh. Yeah. There's no law keeping you

two from voting. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of one of our favorite games, which are the following? Rules of this game, very simple. I'm going to give you a category, four things. One of them I made up. Three of them are real. You guys got to figure out which one is the fake one. It's like Sesame Street. Yeah, probably.

This is an all-suicide one in honor of us suicide buddies. I love suicide. Yeah, don't we all, man? Fucking rules, dude. One of them, Blondie. A lot of forgotten CBGB bands. Favorite hobby. Television was pretty good. Yeah, you know. Round one, this is just about... Bruce Springsteen actually wrote Stay Trooper after he heard

the Frankie Teardrop. A lot of people don't know. This is me as your dad in 10 years just bothering people at my daughter's graduation party. Yeah, I just feel like that's so many people I already know. Yeah, yeah. In comedy, oh, yeah. Everyone in comedy has a lot of music opinions. Oh, dude, yeah.

I'm just going to be straight up... They're all wrong, but they are light beer. They're all wrong. I can't wait to get to the phase of my life where it's just light beer, cargo shorts, and tidbits. You can just do that now. Yeah, totally. Sounds great.

Yeah. We have a Kyle Clark. You could be that yesterday, dude. No, I'm good. There's already too much of that to go around. You're going to be a dad. I know. Yeah.

Tom, don't fucking say that. You're going to teach me how to bend a spoon in the Matrix. You're not saying it like he's going to in practice. You're going to be a dad. I'm going to lay a weird plot, baby. Yeah, I thought that meant you had a kid on the way, and I just got more scared than I've ever been. Oh, yeah. Imagine that if somebody had to come to their father's home, and it was this.

It was this, yeah. Yeah, you'll see I have a Chewbacca bandolier of condoms over there, because I am not ready to bring a life into this world. Round number one. Which of the following is not a real way somebody killed themselves? A, an Indian man let an elephant step on his head. B, a dude tied his dick to a tree and then used it to castrate himself. C, a man put a lit stick of dynamite under his top hat and blew up his head. Or D, a guy ate a whole Bible.

I think it's B. I'm thinking the dynamite one because this might be stupid, but I feel like there wouldn't be enough oxygen inside the top hat. I guess you'd have to have a short fuse. I think you're right. That is stupid. Oh, that's interesting. Just going purely on physics. I don't think that weird method of

castration would necessarily kill you even if you bled a lot. There's a lot of ways that could go wrong, though. If it goes right, it's still the wrong answer. If it goes right. It's a bot of ways that could go wrong, though. You don't know how much. I mean, if it goes right, it's still the wrong answer. Yeah, it goes right. If you're the kind of guy. I don't know. It's a botched castration.

Yeah, if you're the kind of guy to get castrated by a fucking ant, I don't think you also have access to, like, medical care or a cell phone to call 911. Right. Yeah. So I'm going to say dynamite top hat. All right. I'm still going castration. The visual of that looks like it's from a cartoon.

I'd love. Well, I would love to see that. But it would be. Dynamite top hat, by the way, is a band t-shirt that Dave just doesn't own yet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was D again? D was a man ate a whole Bible. Oh, I want that to be real.

I don't think that'll kill you, though, you know? That's a lot of books. You know what'll kill you? If you read it. Am I right, guys? Come on. Eating foreign objects can, did he like it, like, with a steak knife? I mean, it wasn't...

They didn't talk about condiments or anything. He sat down and ate a Bible, and then he was dead. I'm going to go with that. I just don't know. Like, if you're cutting up a Bible, that's... I don't... Yeah. I'm going to go with...

I like Tom. Like, when I eat a book, all right, I throw it in the Vitamix with some coconut water. Tell me more about the knife. Yeah. Here's what me more about the knife. Yeah. Here's what I like about it. Who currently has the knife and is willing to negotiate? Can I get this knife? I would be willing to trade up to and including a lesser knife.

Now, serrated or non-serrated? Because you can create a lot of... What I also enjoy is that I spoiled the answer saying specific details from the article, and you still picked that one. The correct answer was A, the elephant one is the fake. No way. Yeah. No way.

That tied his dick to a tree thing. It's amazing because it was like he pulled the tree down. It was like a bendy tree, tied his dick, and then just let the tree slingshot his dick to elsewhere. Whoa. And it just ripped it off. Wait, so he had like a thing tied around it, and then he was like chopping it down like a lumberjack and making some kind of forest dick trebuchet?

Yeah, exactly. Somewhere like 50 yards away, a dick just hit a rabbit. It just landed in one of those... Right after the rabbit said, I don't think this day could get any worse. I knew I took the wrong left turn at Albuquerque. Yeah. Oh, my God. All right, Round number two.

Bud Dwyer is the government guy who famously killed himself on national television. Which of the following is not a real piece? Wait, that's a thing that happened? Yeah. You don't know about this? No. You know that song, Hey Man, Nice Shot by Filter? No. Okay.

What's about him? You've heard it probably. Yeah. Okay. So which of the following is not a piece of merchandise you can buy with a picture of Bud Dwyer killing himself? Oh, my God. A, a tote bag.

B, an iPhone case. C, a onesie for a baby. Or D, a miniskirt. A onesie's got to be real. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's too good. This iPhone case feels not...

Because I feel like Apple would find out about that And be like Don't associate Yourselves with us Maybe they could just be like It's a coaster That happens to fit on an iPhone You know They do that like It's a paperweight

It's brass knuckles I don't think you have to get Apple sanctioned Because like every mall Has like that Ask your Switch play friends Where they're selling Blue bag iPhone cases

When did When did this dude Kill himself It was like the 70s right 80s I would think Okay Yeah I'm gonna say miniskirt Okay When did this dude kill himself? It was like the 70s, right? 80s, I would think. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to say miniskirt.

Okay. Miniskirt. I'm going to go onesie, actually. All right. Yeah. I don't think there's enough material to get the full brain matter spray. I'm going to go with the iPhone case just because I feel like they didn't have iPhones in the 70s. Well, full logic.

Dumb. You can only put stuff on an iPhone case that happened after the iPhone. There's never been an iPhone case with the Mona Lisa or Andy Warhol's banana on it. I don't know anything about World War II because they didn't have Wikipedia back then. But everyone cashed in on Bud Dwyer merch. Yeah, like now it's...

Every kiosk in America had a Bud Dwyer koozie and a fanny pack. The iPhone case. The iPhone case. The correct answer was the baby ones. Yeah. The skirt is real weird. That would be crazy. Like a sexy lady outfit.

But I can't imagine seeing that bald man blowing his head off and be like, well, I'm ready to fuck. Here's what I can imagine. You seeing a girl wearing that skirt and falling in love immediately. 100%. Yeah. Also, I guarantee you'll get a message from someone with a link to buy a skirt with Bud Dwyer's face on it. Oh, absolutely.

Somebody's buying this for us. Yeah, yeah. Round number three. Which of the following is not a conspiracy as to how Kurt Cobain really died? A. Was assassinated by the CIA for anti-American messaging in his music. B, was killed by a hitman hired by Dave Grohl over a financial dispute. C, was a lizard person

and realizing the FBI was closing in took his own life. Or D, impregnated himself with his own clone then murdered the clone to fake his own death. I'm going Dave Grohl one. Yeah, I don't think that that's real. I've heard a comedian tell me about that theory. About the Dave Grohl theory?

The Dave Grohl one. Oh, shit, okay. But he's also crazy. He could have made it up himself. He could have just coincidentally made up the same thing that Keith did. Yeah. There was this new comedian, Dave Grohl.

Wait a minute. Why are you on a... He also was mad that Dave didn't Droll. Wait a minute. Yeah, you ought to. He also was mad that Dave didn't play guitar with him or something. I don't remember what he was saying. Him being on a first-name basis with Dave Grohl. So he had beef with Dave Grohl. He did. He was like, Dave Grohl's Stan.

He's like, Dave, I wrote you, but you still ain't. He was impregnated himself with his own clone and then murdered the clone to fake his own death. I just like the guy that thinks that Kurt Cobain has cloning technology. I know. What a weird, yeah, why would he have access to this? Well, there's a bunch of fetuses on the incesticide comp, so I got to figure that means that he has access to something we didn't. All right, so we got the Dave Grohl pick.

What do you got? I'm picking the clone one. I'm going D. It's the only one I haven't heard. All right, well, whoever you said told you that Dave Grohl one was full of shit because that's the one i made up no way he was he was on drugs yeah what no really somebody who associated with i 100 know who you're referring to by the way who i'm thinking of i don't think it is who you guys are the guy who's been on the podcast no oh okay damn i think that we're being vague like keith ray would be weird that we implied he had Is that who I'm thinking of? I don't think it is who you guys are thinking of. Is it the guy who's been on the podcast? No. Oh, okay. Damn.

I think that we're being vague. Like, Keith Ray would be weird that we implied he had done a drug. Yeah, no, yeah. And not like that's most of what his body is comprised of at this point. No, it wasn't Keith Ray. All right. I was guessing it was Pat Reagan because I know he loves Dave Grohl. Oh, that does seem like some Pat Reagan shit. But, yeah, I don't think he'd talk shit on Dave Grohl.

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I mean, why wouldn't he talk shit on Dave Grohl? Yeah, I don't know. I mean... Yeah, why wouldn't he talk shit on Dave Grohl? Like, who cares? Alright, last one. Round number four. Which of the following is not a story of somebody who tried to kill themselves and failed in a hilarious way? A. A woman jumped off the same cliff into the ocean

and was rescued by the Coast Guard 50 times. B. A man survived not one, not two, but three consecutive shotgun wounds. C. A Russian man jumped off his balcony but survived by landing on a seven-year-old girl who was walking by. Or is the only trampoline in Moscow. Or D. A woman shot herself but missed her heart because as she pulled the trigger, she was attacked by a dog. That sounds like A to me.

A sounds way too extreme. What was A? 50 times. That's like you forgot to turn off God mode in your life. She kept coming off the same cliff and getting rescued by the Coast Guard. I want to know where the shotgun dude was shooting himself. How did she keep getting back there? It's like super common, actually, for people to shoot themselves and not die.

It's like almost happens more than it working. More evidence backing up. Were you supposed to put the gun in your mouth to also just blow off your jaw, right? Yeah, like he says. Let's not give tips on this. Don't do any of this. More evidence that Kurt Cobain was murdered by somebody. He was on heroin and fucking shot his head off with his toe?

I don't think so. All right, Tom. He's leaving you in the silence of what you've done. Courtney Cox or whatever the fuck her name was. Yes, Monica. Courtney Cox. Monica did it. Yes.

She said, you're taking Rachel's hairstyle and I'm not having it. All right, we're trying to go to syndication, grunge boy. Kurt, you and I are going to Cougar Town. Oh, I got to go. Kurt, you and I are going to Cougar Town. I got to go. Solely Bill Lawrence's reputation. Get a paper bag full of money from Courtney Love, the other Courtney. What was C and D?

C and D. C was the Russian man jumped off the balcony, landed on a seven-year-old girl. D was a lady who was going to shoot herself, but then she pulled the trigger. She got attacked by a dog. I'm going to go dog. Okay, we got dog. You're going with Cliff? No, I think I'm going with A, yeah, Cliff. I'm going with shotgun. Great dancer. Shotgun won. No way.

He survived the first two, last one. Oh, I see. Do you know more about that 50 times woman? It was like this lady in England, and she just kept jumping off the same cliff. And the Coast Guard just kind of kept being like, hey, don't do that. But there's nothing they could really do. Yeah. They put a restraining order on the beach for her.

She wasn't allowed to go to the beach. But she went anyway. Yeah. What are you going to do? She's like, I'm trying to kill myself. Trying to kill myself. Yeah. And I guess there was a whole thing with the Coast Guard there where they were like, should

we just kind of let this lady do this at this point? Because like someone's going to drown trying to rescue her and that's going to suck. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Was it like a six foot cliff or something? I mean, I don't have, it seemed like it was like a kill you ass cliff. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, anyway, that's that. She should have joined a diving team. What's up? She should have joined a diving team or something. Like? She should have joined a diving team or something. That's fucking crazy. This woman definitely didn't want to die.

I can't wait for the Tom Goss suicide hotline. You should become a diver. I know you're mad at your head or whatever, but maybe take it off your head before you boom it. Just food for thoughts. Look, here's the thing. If you're going to kill yourself, maybe instead give me the knife. I got a P.O. box, you know.

No questions asked knife deposit. People leave knives under your bed like unwanted children at the fire station. I thought it was weird that Tom took that job with the TSA until I saw the fucking rubber made tin full of knives he brought home from work. I remember the psych ward one time. I told the psych nurse, I forgot how it came over, like, I'd be a suicide hotline person. And he's like, in no way should you ever have that job.

Well, you were like, I'm ready to help others as you're in the psych hospital. All right. Well, we'll be right back with your questions, guys. Yeah. Nice. Broadcasting. Tonight on 60 Minutes, we look into the rise

and fall of one of children's television's biggest stars, exploring the life, legacy, and descent of the second most popular dinosaur on television of the early 90s,

BJ the Dinosaur from Barney and Friends. So tell me, BJ, how did you get involved in the television show Barney? I don't know, man. I was a kid. My mom was always sending me out on auditions trying to cling on to anything I did because she's a fucking bitch. I see. Did you land any roles before your time on Barney? Yeah, man, it wasn't good. None of it got released. I did a commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios, but then they gave it to that fucking hack

job fucking B instead. My commercial got axed because they wanted that wingbacked, honey hoarding, glorified fly to make the commercial because they shit honey or whatever the fuck they do. Fucking cocksucker. Uh-huh. When we first looked into BJ's life, we expected stories of blankies, songs, and maybe an exploration into the imagination. What we found instead shocked us.

You first got the role when you were seven. Do you remember your first interaction with Barney? Yeah, I first met Barney when we were shooting my first episode, and he was so cool on the episode. And then after the shoot, he just turned to me and said, Hey, BJ, you're my bitch now. We're cool on set because that's the job, but off set, you hold my pocket.

You hold my pocket, and you fucking smile doing it, not because I'm the star and you're some kid and this is my show. But because you're a veggie eating bitch. And I'm a real dinosaur who eats people. And if I'm not wearing pants, you buy me pants and hold the pocket because you're my bitch. And then what happened? We sang Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes. And then Baby Bop and Me snored Xanax she stole from the producer.

He was a cold-hearted hoe off camera. Do you think these threats were sincere? Yeah, man. Barney was a fucking criminal before the show. He was in prison. For what? What did he do? He ate an entire kindergarten class.

Burger King was under construction. He freaked out and ate an entire fucking kindergarten class. Only reason he didn't get life is police contaminated evidence on the crime scene. That dude loved Burger King. If he didn't have it his way, some unexpected school was gonna have a lighter yearbook, that's for sure.

One of the most concerning moments was hearing about how BJ continued his life after the show ended. After the show I just felt fucking lost, dude. I started doing coke and then got hooked on meth and switched over to downer, started shooting heroin, and that's why my horn's all fucked up. It got really bad.

I blew a pterodactyl for a bag of Velociraptor tranquilizer. Didn't even get me high, just kept me from killing myself. And the whole time I was sitting there sucking this bullshit bird's bitch's dick, going, what am I doing? This flappy fuck isn't a dinosaur. I'm a dinosaur. I'm a fucking dinosaur. I am a fucking dinosaur. I'm a dinosaur sucking a bird's dick for

D-level sedatives. I used to be a star. I used to suck a T-Rex dick for a spot on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Now I'm getting this fucking giant parakeet up on George Clooney's star. It should have been mine.

I'm a fucking dinosaur. Fuck you George Did you sing to children? No because your goddamn fucking salad You oceans 11 shithead I swallowed 11 oceans of cum On your goddamn name And you wouldn't call me back

Because I relapsed I'm a fucking dinosaur I see And is there anything else you'd like to say? Yeah, just remember I have prejudice against any dinosaur with wings, fins, or Cambodian people. And the kids from Stranger Things should keep in mind this will all be them someday. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast returns and it's time to answer your questions. Listen to your voicemails in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it's time to answer your questions. Listen to your voicemails in the Mean Boys mailbag.

It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. That's where our jingle goes. All right, Harry Moore writes,

Hey, Mean Boys, when are you going to have Randall Maynard on as a guest? Hopefully when I'm out of town. That would be my time to do that. He agreed to do it, but he also clearly is not done being mad at you. Well, here's my thing with that guy. I've tried having fun with him. I've tried being nice to him. I've tried being mean.

He's impossible. Yeah, Connor is in like a years-long feud at this point with some guy who does graphics at crack.com. Oh, okay. I don't know who that is. Yeah, they got in like near a fist fight the last time they did a podcast together. Exactly, Dave. I think he's a fine

guy. He's funny. You know, he's cool, but I'm just we just don't like each other, and that's fine. We're'm just we we just don't like each other. Yeah, that's fine. We were two adults that don't enjoy being around each other. And periodically we will do a podcast with Adam for publicity sake, you know, for our friend Adam. But I don't if I saw him at Starbucks, I wouldn't say hi. I don't think he would. I'm willing to make this deal right now.

If you are, if we get to snark week, if we get over on the Patreon goal, we bring him in for one of the Snark Week episodes. I don't care. Yeah, I'll do it. That would be cool. I don't know if this means anything today. I have no interest in this. We're speaking in code. Yeah.

So you fuck with fall slash pumpkin food slash alcohol products? If so, what are your favorites? It comes from McQueef Carey, one of my favorite people who just made a Twitter that tweet us things. Yeah, I don't know. Not really. No, I don't know. Not really. No, I don't really. I don't really dig it, no.

I don't hate it. It's not like, and I'm not one of those people that's like, what is this bullshit? I do love that about comedy. There's like a whole subsect of comedians that are like, what is this pumpkin spice crap? And you're like, what do you care? What, you enjoy a flavor, you fucking pussy? Everything should taste like nothing.

I like tweeted from Philly. Made by a slave. This is the biggest problem. We all like something that's not the coolest thing ever. Shut up. No, I honestly, when it starts feeling folly and they got pumpkin shit, I fucking love it. You're big on pumpkin, I get it. A pumpkin.

Yeah, it's terrific. Well, you are what you eat. You know, that's what I'm saying. Well, you're a big pumpkin. That's why he has all those knives for just a series of jack-o'-lan A pumpkin. Yeah, it's terrific. Well, you are what you eat. You know, that's what I'm saying. That's why you're a big pumpkin. That's why he has all those knives for just a series of jack-o'-lanterns. Yeah, yeah. Cut to me wearing a banana suit. Well, I feel like that's like my thing with Thanksgiving food.

It's like, well, the reason we have it once a year is because that's the amount you want to eat any of that shit. You know, like pumpkin pie is good one time a year. No, pumpkin pie is great. No one wants to have pumpkin pie in fucking April. I guess you guys do. Pumpkin anything is good, if you make it right. Pumpkin's delicious. And then the newspaper spins up and it says,

Tom Goss endorses pumpkin genocide. Tom Goss, big fan of the Green Goblin's killings of unarmed women in the streets of New York. Tom Goss, pumpkin Hitler question. What are you looking forward to with the upcoming midterm elections? Yeah, I mean. This is clearly a podcast of people who need to talk about deep cut politics. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Choppo West, where I explain my smart political leanings to you.

The Chimpo Trap House. I'll do the Choppo, but they're all chimps. We're doing a reading series where we throw poop at a book. It's going to be great. Yeah. Well, anyway, I tweeted the N-word, but it was ironic, and no one got what I was trying to say. No, that's not even them. But, yeah, I don't know.

You made that fucking IDK not Trump thing, and that really got out of hand kind of, right? Yeah. What are your reflections on that? Because that was just such an interesting, because you made like a funny political yard sign. Yeah, I just put it up. Like, you know, nicely designed, like political graphic looking. And it said IDK not Trump, though. And it went viral.

And then Urban Outfitters bought it from you, right? Yeah yeah they licensed it from me to sell shirts and coffee mugs that said and it was like i mean i didn't make a fuck load i didn't yeah i think it seemed from the outside like i was now a millionaire yeah but uh oh yeah absolutely yeah to me i was like wow you're good for dave fur coat helicopter and never dude i straight up lost a friend because of this because he just thought i had all this money and I was being a dick keeping my money to me. At least I think. I lost a friend during that period of time and that's the only thing

I can point to. But yeah, but it was still rad. I made enough money to live off it for nine months. So it was the shit. For a Photoshop goof? No shit. It'd be like if when i made starmy daniels where her head was a pokemon and i bought a car that was the funny thing during that period of time people would be like would message me and be like dude how do you

like make a shirt that makes money and i would be like honestly dude like it was an accident like another thing i did was i bought sickentology.org And I made a countdown until September 11th the year 2420 You know what I mean? Or no 9-11am on April 20th You fucking get it

I do a bunch of stupid shit And like one in a million of them So you just do anything and then you make money Obviously No I did a million things that no one gave a shit about You get high For $3.5 million. Yeah, so you just do anything and then you make money. Obviously. No, I did a million things that no one gave a shit about. Here's what you do. You get high. You learn a few basic computer skills and you wait for someone to try to cash in.

Like I said, I could have run for president if I understood YouTube. It's just about putting yourself out there. Any grand endeavor is about you can't really pick. Well, this is the thing I will do that will be the big money. Yeah, you just do shit. You do a bunch of retarded nonsense. That's a great plan until Tom goes, okay, what's my social security number again? There's a lot of

eights, but I don't know which one. I actually have my social security number memorized. Wow. I'm not going to say it on a podcast. Okay, but we all thought you might. I would not answer that. Even you weren't sure if you were going to. I was like, well, maybe Connor would just bleep it out.

Connor's not going to bleep it. I'm going to find it out and I'm going to put it in here. What are you looking forward to about the midterm elections? It's an interesting wording, too. Yeah. There's not much to look forward to, even if you really love elections. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's no good version of it. There's a worse version. There's a thing I'm hoping will happen. Yeah. Yeah. Red wave. Yeah. Yeah. There's no good version of it. There's a worse version. There's a thing I'm hoping will happen. Yeah. Like, red wave. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, come on.

I'm hoping that Trump becomes emperor. Yeah. Well, what I really want to do is drown in the blood. If he gets a two-thirds majority, he's immortal. It's in the Constitution. That's how it works, all right? And then he lives on top of the White House with a bunch of fat ladies that he drinks their breast milk. Yeah, exactly.

And then he drives a monster truck to China. Bad Max reference. I don't know. I've seen three movies, Keith. Fair enough. I haven't seen that movie. Nothing will improve. There will be no great collapse. We'll just be systematic. We'll just be less and less free gradually. Things will be more and more expensive.

And then you're just going to wake up in some kind of McDonald's pod. Yeah. And they're just going to use your heart to make electricity so kids can play iPhone games. I'm excited to know what bad things are going to happen. There's Connor's political take of the week. You're going to be a Matrix battery by the time you're 65. Just enjoy the podcast. Life is meaningless. The singularity. What are you looking forward to about be a Matrix battery by the time you're 65. Just enjoy the podcast. Life is meaningless.

The singularity. What are you looking forward to about being a Matrix battery? Well, I hope I get the strawberry flavored goo that I made. I don't want the normal, early pumpkin spice goo. I hope they let me pick what I listen to. But I imagine it's just you're just going to have to listen to one long Spotify ad when you're in the Matrix battery. It's just going to be, I'm like, I know for hymns is the best place to make my dick big and strong, but god damn,

I'm just trying to listen to Jay-Z and... Alright, so ask Dave about his butt fucker theory and why he has never fucked a butt. Does that mean anything to you? Yes. What is this? I'm so happy that someone said that. Yeah, well, because I like... Put on the

tweed jacket. No, totally. I was a professor of buttfuckology. I started walking around saying to everyone, hey, what's up, buttfucker? Like, all the time. And I started doing it at first just because that makes me giggle. But then I realized, like, no, that's a really great... I love saying it

because everyone's a buttfucker. And this is my... In Hampton, I was saying this to him, and he was like, no, dude, you're wrong. A lot of people don't fuck butt. But I've never fucked butt. Well, I also have never fucked a butt. Oh, contraire. Oh, no.

Oh, aren't you? Well, listen on. Take the video. Here's what I'm saying. Even if you have never fucked a butt, you want to. By the way, I'm picturing a news chyron that says Dave Ross, T-shirt mogul, right now on CNN. T-shirt mogul. Yeah, if you've never.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just screaming at Rachel Maddow. Yeah, yeah, I would say not all, but most people either have fucked a butt, have had their butt fucked, want to fuck a butt, or want to have their butt fucked. Okay. It's like, and so I think most people fall into the category of butt fuckers. That's fair. Yeah. The four political ideologies. Want to have your butt fucked?

Don't want to have your butt fucked? Yeah. Libertarian and fascist. How many people do you think they're- It's like a D&D alignment chart for... Yeah, well, I guess I'm a butt fucker because I've had my butt fucked. Have you had your butt fucked?

With a strap on, briefly. Oh, no shit. Okay. I thought I wanted to fuck a butt and then I had an opportunity. I was like, I'm going to keep fucking your vagina. Is that what you said?

Because if you said that, you definitely did your... An electronic pirate. Yo-ho, yo-ho, the pussy's fine with me. It's up in the front and there's no poop in it. Self-lubricated and such. Could you just singing alone at Walmart? Yeah, I've been on the giving and receiving end of the butt fuckery.

So, yeah, I guess that those are. I have never done either. Okay. But you want to, though, by your own theory. I do. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I also sort of negate my theory because I've never asked, and it's never coming up.

But I would. I guess it's just like, to me, everyone fucks. What's that? Why haven't you asked? I don't know. I've talked about it with people I've dated. I don't really want to anymore. I did when I was a young

guy. I did it once and I didn't really see the hullabaloo and then I went a long time without it and then I kind of got back into the game recently and I'm like, yeah. Let's see what they're talking about. I guess I just would. If someone asked me, I guess I would but I mean, I don't know.

Pretty much everybody fucks. You fuck. And the butt is one of the places you fuck. You know what I mean I would I don't know yeah everybody fucks you fuck yeah and the butt is one of the places you fuck so you know what I mean like you're a butt fucker I want you to give it like it was gonna be some great unifying theory it's not that hard to get into a I'll take it down for you. You got a dick, right? And then a butt. And then you put a dick in the butt. And then you fuck your butt. You don't want to fuck a butt?

What are you, gay? Shut up. Sidebar, it is not that hard to get into a TEDx conference, okay? We don't have to do that much work. Sam Hyde did it. We just get Dave on stage and he says, what's up, butt fuckers, with a wireless mic. And then he just goes, he just explains, you do no prep work. You have no PowerPoint presentation.

You have just handwritten notes. Everyone's a butt fucker. It's a three-minute speech, and at which point you're handcuffed and escorted out of the building. I wanted to have a Spartacus ending where somebody stands up, I'm a butt fucker. I'm a butt fucker. To the whole crowd. It goes to Robin Williams, I, too, have fucked a butt. Ooh, what if Bush fucked a butt?

Hey, ooh. I'm going to mark real fast. I did 9-11. I got to come in a butt. Look at me. I'm a butt. Ooh. What if Bush fucked a butt? Hey. Oh my God. I'm going to mark real fast. I did 9-11. I got to come in a butt. Look at me. I'm a butt fucker. I have a newborn baby girl coming next month. I have a newborn baby girl coming next month, and my wife is stuck on the name Lillian.

What do you guys think we should name her? I'm a nerd, and my wife is Asian, who is also a nerd, so I'm thinking something with Gundam. You said that? You named me that little butt fucker. Not Lillian. Lillian. Marcus with Gundam. You said that? No, just me. Not a Lillian. Marcus Guerra. I like it. He's like, just so you know, my wife is Asian. I'm going to be like, alright, well then name her fucking Ping Pong.

That doesn't have a lot to do with it. Who could name an Asian baby Claire? What kind of God would allow? I feel like Lillian's a good Asian American name. I've met Asian Lillian's a good Asian-American name. I've met Asian Lillians. I mean, tough for them to say, but I mean, it's such a good name. We all thought it.

That's actually not what I was thinking at all. I was being genuine. I think Lillian is a nice name. Yeah. I like the name Lucy. But they're saying they don't like the name, and they want to come up with a name to counter Lillian that his wife would also like. Yeah. That's probably what's happening.

Well, he's thinking someone with Gundam and I don't know any female Gundam characters. Here's my advice. This woman should leave this man. Yes. He's like, let's name our baby

after a Japanese fight robot. Wait, Gundam's the Korean dancer, right? Exactly, yeah. Yeah, Gundam's the... Yeah, sigh. No, Gundam is the robots, the fighting robots.

Yeah, it's one of the five things Connor enjoys. Only G Gundam, but I don't have time to get into that. Yeah, I don't have time To get into that Yeah I don't I don't know man Just go Lillian man

If you're If you're naming If you had a baby What does the naming process Look like Butt fucker You are I'm just

You're born You die You think about Fucking a butter You get your butt fucked It's a butt fuck Butt world out there kid There are two types

Of people in this world kid Butt fuckers And other butt fuck butt world out there, kid. There are two types of people in this world, kid. Butt fuckers and other butt fuckers. The way I clarified it with Hampton was, Hampton was like, yeah, but some people don't fuck butts. They just want to get their butt fucked. And I was like, fine. You're either a butt fucker or you're a fucked butter. And I think that's true.

There's no way that's how to prognosticate the pleasure chest. It's just like, yeah, it's the residue of sex. Fuck butter. It's my Ben and Jerry's. Fuck butter is cocoa butter. That's what Keith leaves on my mattress when I go out of town and when I'm sleeping in my room. The best is when I did a show at a military base and I came home earlier than I thought. I get back in my room and Keith had just spent the night.

I said, when I'm out of town, I'm like, yeah, I sleep in the room with the AC or whatever. And I'm like, look at my, what the fuck is this on my, oh, it's a cock ring. I just touched the cock ring. Wow. And I just throw it at Keith in the kitchen. I'm like, yeah, sleep in the room with the A.C. or whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck is this on my... Oh, it's a cock ring. I just touched the cock ring. Wow. And I just throw it at Keith in the kitchen. I'm like, remove these things. I just watched a mildly greasy piece of steel just rattle around our floor. I didn't realize you threw it in the kitchen.

Tink, tink, tink. Yeah, that's his bedroom, man. Yeah, I don't want just like flying... It could have hit the knives and shit. I don't want flying accessories. You've got cocking with my knife. You've got knife with my cocking ring. It did look like someone had just beat up a very horny Sonic to hedgehog.

Just fucking they all stick together. It's a big clump of them. Hey, Mean mean boys hopefully you aren't sick of king of the hill questions we're the number one king of the hill podcast on itunes there are rumors that the show is coming back with tom petney and brit tom pet tom petney who's tom petney tom petty and britney murphy dead how would you write out lucky and luann fuck everything god is dead they died on 9-11 yeah yeah they died in yeah no and there's no do they reference 9-11. Yeah, they died in, yeah. No, and there's no, do they reference 9-11 in King of the Hill? Dude, I would kill for a 9-11 episode of King of the Hill. God, I love that show.

Whoa. Yeah. Man, I just want to hear how the- Something called Al-Qaeda. Here's my one sentence pitch to Fox for bringing back King of the Hill. Hank sang Coachella. That's all you- Coachella.

It's just that's enough that the whole Bobby goes to a music festival episode and Hank has to pick him up because he did some bad coke is going to be Emmy bait. Oh, my God. Okay, guys? I'm still stuck on Boomhauer being on United 93, though. Let's roll, man. Talking about my last will and testament. Talking about Stacy, I love you.

Dangle Melinda, love you, too. He's still hoeing even as he's about to die. All right. We got one voicemail at least to play here. All right. Let's see what we got. It's a short one, it looks like. All right.

Here we go. What's up, meme boys? Ian again. What evolution of Eevee do you think is sexiest? Thanks. Ooh, okay. Evolution of what? Eevee. Eevee do you think is sexiest? Thanks. Ooh, okay. Evolution of what? Eevee, the Pokemon. You ever Pokemon? No, I don't know anything about it.

You shouldn't. You're an adult man. Yeah, I'm 35. I'm going Umbreon. You know, because I like a goth bitch. Which one is Umbreon? The dark one. You're like later generation shit? Yeah, dude. The fuck, man. Are we just going original Flareon, Jolteon, Vaporeon? We're talking real Pokemon. Real Pokemon? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, you just made yourself a lot of

powerful enemies with your own fanbase. Calling out real Pokemon. Bring it, you Seroquel motherfuckers. Or no, Sendoquel. Seroquel is what broke your brain, not Sendoquel, which is a hedgehog that lights on fire, which is also something

you do in your hot kitchen. Next episode, we're playing Psych Matter Pokemon. That's for sure happening. Oh, shit. Vicodin evolves into methadone,

and then you use the fucking Lydia Momstone, and then it becomes heroin. Vicodin, use steel copper wiring. It's pretty effective. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, that's the Mean Boys podcast. In no way did we just redact an offensive voicemail. You know who you are. Shut up. Yeah. Dave, buddy, thank you for coming on the show.

We've been wanting to have you forever. You're fucking hilarious. It was a blast, man. Thank you so much for having me. I love the show. You got to go see Dave live, and it's sitting near you, and you got to fucking the show. We've been wanting to have you forever. You're fucking hilarious. It was a blast, man. Thank you so much for having me. I love the show. You've got to go see Dave live in a city near you, and you've got to fucking listen to Suicide Buddies. Mean boys can't get you all the way through your shift at the factory job.

You've got to fucking pop on over to Suicide Buddies and give them a listen. You got any dates or anything else coming up you want to plug? Yeah, I think I have a few. I don't know when this is coming out, October 6th I'm in Phoenix For a night I'm doing Fest In Gainesville We have a huge fan base In Phoenix

Where we one time Did a show for one guy No well I hope you come Now living in Portland Yeah he does live in Portland He moved Yeah yeah

Yeah well it's all On my website Which is Dave to the Ross dot com Yeah go to that Go see Dave When he's on tour It's fucking great man Tom anything We did get an email Where someone said They came to one of your shows And you weren't there DaveTetherRoss.com Yeah, go to that. Go see Dave when he's on tour. He's fucking great, man. Tom, anything?

We did get an email where someone said they came to one of your shows and you weren't there because you plugged the date wrong. Wait, what? That's amazing. Which show? This guy writes, your show makes living in Bakersfield almost kind of sort of bearable. He said Tom Goss filled me. He said he'd be at the Barrel House Brewery in Visalia on September 10th, yet he was not. If he wants people to come to his shows, he should get his shit together on the real life of the show.

I was there. Oh, you were? I was. I bet you a million dollars you're wrong. September 11th? 9-11 Eve? I have to, yeah. How could you forget?

Double check. The show started late. Well, yeah, we put out our cookies for Steve Rannazzisi every year. That's not a joke. We got it two years in a row. Did you know we had Steve Rannazzisi on 9-11 two years in a We got it two years in a row. Did you know we had Steve Rannazzisi on 9-11 two years in a row?

Yeah, we did. It's our annual tradition. What? That's great. I feel... Sorry, let me read this real quick because I feel really bad about this. We were so close

to ending the show. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll deal with this off air. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. What it was is the show started late because they forgot

it was the first week of Monday Night Football, so they had a late game. This is truly my 9-11. That's all I'm explaining right now. That was a pretty good day. Well, the day this drops, the night following that, I'm at the headlining of the Improv in Ontario, California.

If you're in the area, come through. Go on my Twitter for free tickets, which you can get because I'm not famous enough. And you can see me headlining the Chatterbox in West Covina on September 30th. That is a wonderful show. Yeah, come to either of those. I'll be funny. I got dates coming up, but some of them might be moving because of a thing. So just follow me on Twitter, Facebook, all that shit.

I'll be posting dates very soon. All right, tight. Dave, thank you again, buddy. Dude, thank you. This was rad. Fuck everything. God is dead. Can everyone just check your mics really quick? Just say a few words.

Check, check, one, two, nine, eleven. Check, check, one, two, 9-11. Check, check, one, two, 9-11. Taint, taint. I like 9-11. Taint, taint, one, two, 9-11. I'm gay for 9-11. Dave, one more time. I'm 9-11.

I'm the idea of 9-11. Yeah, you get it. My father was a building and my mother was a plane. My mother was a shittier building. We worked so hard to come to this country, only to be explodified by government to start endless war. My cousin, the Pentagon, it was a hard day. Oh, yeah.

My stepbrother, a field in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I was about to... I was working. I was just trying to figure out the relation. Yeah. All right.