Mean Boys - EP 156 - Gorilla Vicodin

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

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Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to the... Oh, you make fun of Keith. Wait, he makes fun of me? For your intros? Yeah, yeah. Well, welcome to Mean Boys, everybody. I thought that would be fun. Quick shout-out to the Mean Boys fans who came to see me

at the Ontario Improv earlier tonight when we were recording this. The guy I met who had a Monster Energy Drink tattoo, whose wife worked at the Monster Energy Drink factory. And he got the tattoo before she got the job. He just manifested that into life. That is the Inland Empire version of Alexis and her husband finding each other.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was giving this guy shit about never leaving Ontario. Just like it's a shitty place. And he talks to me afterwards. He's like, I love the podcast. I was like, oh, okay. I was giving this guy shit about never leaving Ontario, just like it's a shitty place. And he talks to me afterwards. He's like, I love the podcast. I was like, oh, okay. And he's like,

I haven't left Ontario. He has the city seal tattooed on his arm. God, he's really creating the world. It's like the secret for people who are going to die on an ATV.

Yeah, exactly. Dude, exactly. But they were fucking great, so I just wanted to give them a quick shout out. That was kind of funny. Shout out. Thanks for tuning in, guys.

We've got a Just the Boys episode this week. This was part two of Banana Month happeningout. Thanks for tuning in, guys. We've got a Just the Boys episode this week. This is part two of Banana Month happening on Mean Boys. Bananarama. All bananas all the time. You can't get enough of them, you banana slut. You fucking, you're gaping my urines for bananas. Speaking of bananas, I bet your mom could do a few tricks with those in her pussy and quench a hole or two.

We went from horny summer to banana month. Banana fall. Yeah, banatum. Welcome to celery October. Yeah, very fruity fall. That's fruity fall from now on. Every season is fruity fall. Yeah, because you're slippery.

You know, you always walk around on fucking. I'm kind of gay and hella greasy. There's just bacon grease all over your room. Keith's room is like an ice skating rink. Yeah, you just slide from room to room. Yeah, with loose cooking fats. Look at Cartoon. They haven't bacon grease all over your room. Keith's room is like an ice skating rink. Yeah, just slide from room to room. Yeah, with loose cooking fats. Look at Cartoon. They haven't animated

the leg motion for yet. Yeah, every time he tries to go anywhere, he looks like he's just dancing in Home Alone. Yeah, I'm part of the risky business. I don't know why

I can't not picture you skating with the shirt on. Like, all of your... That was like a quadruple negative. I got so lost. I can't not... I don't even

understand you can only picture me skating shirtless yeah after that that's how that sentence works okay i thought that i thought you couldn't picture kate i thought i thought you're saying you couldn't picture him skating with a shirt off and i was like well it'd be weird to picture him what stop shut up this is you really it takes a lot for you to break me because I'm pretty good at translating, but I tapped the fuck out on that one. Everyone just imagine Keith going around an ice rink in like just his underwear, no shirt. I'm good. And I am sweating.

Yes. All the glee. All right. Well, anyway, I had this whole, this momentum built up for the Keith's mom's iTunes review segment. Leave it iTunes review. Mom will fuck herself with a banana or whatever it is we're doing here. I'm glad we took the weird shirtless rollerblade detour.

Yeah. Wait, what? I want to ask out your mom. My mom is married to a very large man who will kill you. I'm just going to ask her out. Well, yeah. So, yeah. That will be the catalyst for you getting murdered and buried in a shallow grave in

the desert. Listen to me. She has a type, and Tom is in the demo. The guy doesn't not look like Tom a little bit. Yeah. He looks like a giant Tom. A universe where Tom is your stepdad is the funniest of all universes. We've been talking about this for a while.

And if Tom becomes my stepdad, I'm going to kill Tom. I'm going to finally, all the stepdad rage I've built up, I'm going to hadouken a knife into your dick. What if I ask your current stepdad if I built up, I'm going to hadouken a knife into your dick. What if I ask your current stepdad if I could bury your mom? I stand by my previous thing. If you ask my mom out, I'm going to fuck your dad. We've got to at some point start plugging

the things in the intro. We've got to do a bonus episode. I don't want to blow all this hot I'm going to fuck your dad energy. Heaven's the bestches Leave an iTunes review We're only 30 away from our 400 review We'll go to Fresno We'll interview my mom

Tom will be kept in the cage Far away from my mother I'm still not in a cage Shut up Tell me iTunes review before you try to put me in a cage How many dicks before you suck at being Oh boy you got me In the genre of accounts that people have made just for

Mean Boys specific purposes, I do like this guy who's created a whole Apple account to write the review. Almost There, five stars by Fatter Than Keith. Great job with the podcast, guys. Safe Keith's album recording for Forever Napa. Now I live in New York. We will need to get you guys up to Syracuse. Thanks,

buddy. Yeah, man. You're coming to the album recording forever ago. Every time you write a review on anything, it'll be like, who's this Keith guy that this guy's fatter than? I don't know. We don't know that fella. I wonder if this guy has such negative opinions about Angry Birds Galaxy. And yeah,

fucking get at us on Patreon. Help us keep the lights on and invest in stupid projects, etc. Five bucks a month You get a weekly Hour long hangout show Just us telling stories Cracking wise Keeping you company

Wise cracking Yep And ten bucks a month Gives you monthly goodies Delivered to your door In the mail And we are Just a dick hair away

From snark week too If we get to two thousand bucks On the Patreon Which is Just to remind you guys Seven full episodes of Mean Boys. The show that we barely put out six times a month. Right.

In a row. And seven bonus episodes. That is all in one week. That is in one week. To sweeten the pot, because I can officially confirm this now. Last year we played a mildly amusing game of Monopoly. This year somebody made us Meanopoly and they fucking sent it to us. Yeah.

And here's how we're going to play Meenopoly. We're going to break into Opie's room, and we're all chain smoking. I don't think Opie ever found out that you guys smoked in the kitchen, and I know he would be incensed. Yo, I thought that my chakras was off that week, and now I'm mad. I'm going to be. It's like this is my personal air. Yeah. It's like we is like my personal air. Yeah. It's like we all like pay for the air.

It's like I'll bring my own oxygen from Africa. I have it like mailed here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Opie gets a weird bottle of pills in the mail every day. And I'm like, how many vitamins is Opie taking? Yeah. I'm pretty sure Opie is like trying to turn himself into pain.

Yeah. Yeah. He's on like the amount of shit that Ray Kurzweil takes to live long enough to be a computer. Have you ever seen those documentaries? No. Yeah, anyway, follow us on Twitter and Instagram and like us on Facebook.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Just pop over, do a couple clicks, help out your boys. We're a fucking mom and pop operation. We need all the help we can get. Legitimize us. Yeah, get on the subreddit, get on the Discord. Yeah, I enjoy all all the help we can get legitimize us yeah get on the subreddit get on the discord yeah i enjoy a lot of fun tom shit posting on the subreddit oh yeah i i the subreddit today it really took off when people realized that the things that people post on there don't have to be good or amusing it's just fucking yeah just the things we post on this show are really good or amusing no this is show is like we think about

the best moments and it's like that time we got into an argument about whether or not ravioli is a sandwich or something. And it's like, well, yeah, that was classic. What if Cancer had a Who Farted t-shirt? The Mean Boys podcast. Yeah, exactly. So there's a lot of Mean Boys things out there for you to enjoy. And grab a piece of it and help out your boys because we all live in frightening poverty. But for now, all you got to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy because you got a Just the Boys episode coming down your fucking dick hole.

Go to Don Carlos. Oh, yeah. Go to Don Carlos. It's good Mexican food. Eatabrito.com. Delicious. All right. Podcast.

Here's the show. Here's the show. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. AIDS is still a thing. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpanin. And I'm... What would it look like if you could play as a fat kid in the Pokemon game. You dress like a fat Pokemon trainer. I just realized this.

Like, just looking at you walking, I could just hear the 8-bit music in my head. I'm a Geodude, and he doesn't like me. Hey, can I heal myself with the Pokemon Center? I just walked the whole town over and I am spitzing. I'm on the only bike with training wheels and the Pokemon universe. Do you understand that I have to carry around a backpack with 7,000 Pokeballs and potions in it? I am exhausted. My knees are about to explode.

I can only carry two Pokeballs because the rest of the backpack is just filled with granola bars for, quote, energy. Yeah, yeah. And I know your Pokemon are like, wait, aren't we supposed to eat the berries? I thought that was the whole point. Like, no! Keith used walk at a brisk pace. It's not very effective. I just ate all the

apricots, and now your Pokemon are dying. It's so funny how much we talk about Pokemon on this show when I barely ever gave a shit about Pokemon. I don't know why. I loved Pokemon, but I don't really actively think about it until I have a microphone in my hand for some reason. It's become a new thing, and I'm not at all upset about it. Well, I'm just, I was like, I haven't slamed Keith in a while, and I'm really, I've just spent my entire life calling you shitty things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, what is left? I was like, I've got to come at life calling you shitty things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, what is left? I was like, I've got to come at this from a fresh angle. And I was just thinking about, is you just trying to capture the general steez, you know? You're not wrong. No, I'm profoundly correct. Because I'm not even wearing a particularly outlandish, I'm just wearing a striped t-shirt and jeans right now.

But it works. Yeah, this isn't even the outfit that probably makes you look most like a Pokemon trainer. But I mean, you know. What is the Pokemon trainer outfit? I'd have to see them. I don't know if I could think of it off top. Yeah, you just need a hat because they all have hats. I can just imagine you just going and throwing a ball. It's a very Pokemon outfit.

I don't know why. Arby's Beef and Cheddar, I chew you. I chew you. I don't know why. I keep imagining you facing a ditto and the ditto turning into you and then just blowing its head off and then you lighting a cigarette.

I know you're trying to throw the ball to launch a guy or whatever, but it slips out of your hand because it's covered in butter. If a ditto pops open on your head and then Onyx crushes you. If a ditto does nothing, it already kind of looks like me. You know what I mean? Just kind of neutral and amoebas and, and you're like, hey, what's going on, guys? That'd be great to make the, like, name that Pokemon, and it's clearly ditto, and then

you just put Keith's face in the fucking... Just, like, jowly close-up with your, like, neck squeezed in. I'm hungry. Who fucking... And here's why you're perfect to be a ditto, because I don't know if you guys have gotten to the breeding of Pokemon, but dittos can be the female of any pokemon so you're bisexual you're gonna be yeah i'll take a geo dude dick or a squirtle i don't know i'll eat mr mime's pussy is there a mrs mine i fear no mime eat mr mime's pussy that's gotta be the problem is you gotta like crane your neck to

look up to see if you're doing a good job. It's not like he's making noise. I don't really want to look up. That's not a face you want to see when you're chowing some box. Oh, yeah, just Mr. Mime looking down at you. Mime? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he got it.

Mime's always talking. Well, here's what Mr. Mime could do. He's got telekinesis, so he could jack himself off just with his mind. But then it would probably still be like using your own, like he would be aware of what he was doing. He couldn't make it feel like a stranger was doing it. Well, you can get into some like BDSM stuff because it's like, oh yeah, you naughty bitch, you're trapped in an invisible box. Oh yeah.

Yeah. No, you could, imagine how- I'm choking him with that rope he pretends he has. Just think about how good you'd be at BDSM if you had psychic powers. You could just be like, oh, what are you insecure about? Oh, your elbow skin. Look at your droopy elbows, whore. You ever watch somebody try to charades their way into a safe word?

Like, I'm going to fucking kill Mr. Mime. He's getting straight up fucking, what's the guy from NXS? Michael Hodgins. Yeah, that's the new game we're pitching to Pornhub. It's like you have charades your safe word. Safe word charades. And you continue to be whipped until safe word. Safe word charades. And you continue to be whipped until people

guess. Okay rhymes with Oh dude Pictionary safe word like someone is like you know like fucking putting clamps on your dick until you draw a good enough picture of a cow. Yo this is a Mean Boys Live segment. It's a great idea. It's profoundly inhumane and rude to people

that have been through bad things in their lives. Like I said, a meme boy's life. Yeah, of course. Yeah, not like our normal tasteful. Which one's better, 9-11 or Hitler's AIDS? I don't know. Hitler's AIDS. I mean, the early stuff was pretty good.

Tom, you just got back from a private boxing lesson. Yeah, I got a free one. Where they taught you to be more rectangular, and they're like, there's nothing I can teach you. You're already a perfect— I got a free boxing lesson. Yeah, I got a free one. Where they taught you to be more rectangular, and they're like, there's nothing I can teach you. You're already a perfect... I got a free boxing lesson. Yeah, I fought a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I was just working on some kick stuff.

It was kickboxing. It wasn't that exciting. I don't know why we brought it up. Because we recorded 48 hours ago, and not that much has happened, so we're looking for something, guys. I'm out of Pokemon references. I haven't heard about it.

You went and did it, and I thought, hey, why not bring it up? Yeah, no, I kick shit, motherfuckers. Wow, dude. I kick it, and then it moves some, and then I kick it again. Yeah, you get it. Here's me and boys, all right? Keith and I, two professional volleyball players. Tom Goss, insane guy on the court with a knife who's just trying to pop it at all times.

I'm wearing the most homeless shirt in my collection right now. This definitely is. Yeah. Like, this does look like a controversial runway piece from, like, you know, Dolce or Gabbana or whatever. You can be homeless or camping with this. And I'm... See, you're either at a family bonfire or you're you have no family and

you're sitting in front of one bitch i kitchen camp this is my thought that the mean boys dynamic is like me and connor the world's two best pool players and we're playing a delicate game of pool and then you are just a rhinoceros that happens to be in the room yeah and it's like yeah maybe we're doing something kind of talented but nothing's more interesting than the rhinoceros yeah exactly yeah well yeah the rhinoceros is, yeah, they didn't have my karaoke song, so I'm going to fuck shit up. What are you guys doing? It's like, yeah, these guys are pretty good at pool, but this dude is amazing at being a rhino.

How often do you see a rhino? It's an interesting thing to see. Exactly. That's where most of my focus is going to be on. I mean, come on. Yeah, I can watch pool at any bar. There's rhinos in very few bars. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I've never seen one. Never seen a can watch pool at any bar. There's rhinos in very few bars. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I've never seen one. Never seen a rhino? In a bar. Have you seen one in general? Yeah. Okay. Where?

The zoo. Cool. I'm trying to prompt you to speak for longer. Yeah, man. I was at the zoo when I was a kid. There was a fucking rhino there. You hate zoos, don't you? I do.

Yeah. But I went to a lot of them as a kid. Okay. I was just like, damn. It was the only place they made a sedative strong enough to make you go to sleep. Yeah. Like my old Keith goes to the zoo for the MRI joke, but Tom goes to the zoo because he can't sleep. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we called Michael Jackson's doctor, and he's like, I got nothing for that. Yeah, what do you guys have in a gorilla Vicodin? Well, there it is. We've already done Gorilla Ball, having a gorilla Vicodin? Well, there he is. We've already done gorilla ball, but gorilla Vicodin is too good. We've used fart nine times.

We could double down on gorilla. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe some kind of zonkey Percocet or whatever. That's in the running. Yeah, dude.

The fair, they used to have the zonkey. Yeah, yeah. This is an old bit of mine. Are you saying zonkey or donkey? Zonkey.

It's a zebra donkey hybrid. They make those things fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an old bit of mine. Are you saying zonkey or donkey? Zonkey. It's a zebra-donkey hybrid. They make those things fuck? Well, yeah, they do, and it's basically a creature that's just, but people went, what if? And then they're like, ah, you get that? It's a horrible thing. Can you just let the animals fuck when and who they want? I don't know.

What if a cat fucked an elephant? Could you imagine? I don't know. That'd be tight as hell. Elephants that people were allergic to, that would be fucking dope. Okay, but you're picturing like a tiny... I mean, similar hatred of mice. It hates mice more than anything ever created.

I'm just picturing a tiny elephant with big, adorable eyes, and that is worth fucking spitting in the face of God. Yeah, like an anime-eyed elephant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, oh, hello. You know, people would be jacking off to that, like, fucking gangbusters. I have the same problem with the pandas. Like, dude, they are done fucking.

They don't want babies. They don't want children. Let us die. With dignity. They don't want to be here. You're fucking... What is our end game with making sure there are still pandas? What is the panda providing to us other than, look at that panda we made living in prison?

Hey, here's the deal. Pandas fucking make money. All right? People go ape shit for pandas. Yeah. Videos of them doing stuff. Videos of them doing nothing. There's like panda periscope screams.

Screams. Screams. Oh, haunting. That's like some shit that people just do. Like whenever there's panda news, every fucking white girl I went to high school with is like following it just intensely so you're saying we're just we're forcing pandas to fuck just to keep the booming panda economy is worth fucking the online and social media and i agree with you it's not rape if you strand them until they get horny like yeah well i'm agreeing with you i don't i think we should let them die but i'm also like uh i'm

just saying this is probably why. They're a popular animal for whatever reason. Yeah, I don't know. If they just threw you into a room with a window so people would watch and gave you some Viagra and fucking shoved some lube in her pussy or whatever the fuck they do. I mean, yeah, I would love that, but I see your... I feel similarly to how I've been trying to keep you alive, because I'm like, he's so entertaining, but he's just not meant for this earth.

I mean, he's the funniest guy ever, but he's definitely been trying to die since he was born. What is this podcast if not a panda periscope for Tom Goss? I mean, I've just been trying to... Tom watch, it's day eight, and he hasn't eaten anything he's not supposed to yet. Like, through, like, friendship, I've been trying to childproof Tom's mind and put little plastic covers on all the outlets and take away all the forks. But it's like at a certain point, it's like, what are we just going to let him do what he wants to do? Just drive a race car off a cliff.

As long as there's a ramp at the cliff, I'm fucking try it. What do you need? As long as there's a ramp at the cliff, I'm fucking driving a race car off a cliff. You're going to get some air. I get more with the ramp That's true Alright well Yeah well Keith

You know Tom makes a lot of good cars We're starting an Indiegogo I'll fucking do it To build Yeah no you won't If someone There's an Indiegogo like Alright 500 iTunes reviews

Tom kills himself with a ramp No man I'll try to fucking What's that dude Evil Knob or whatever his face is Evil Knievel you man, I'll try to fucking, uh, what's that dude, Evil Knob, or whatever his face is. Evil Knievel, you stupid idiot. Yeah, yeah, try to clear his jump. Evil Knob. Evil Knob? Wait, what? Evil Knob, yeah, it's a

door I don't trust. I'm like waiting for like... It goes into the zoo. I knew there was a decay at the beginning, and I knew it was, like, I thought it was silent for some reason, and it was just the, yeah. Evil knob begins with an. Yeah, I tuned out for like five seconds, like just waiting to get my joke in,

which I've since forgotten. And I tuned back and I was like, what the fuck is Tom doesn't know? Evil knob is like if you were writing a movie about like a haunted house and you were just like going way too far. He's like, oh, whatever it is, like an evil knob and the windows are made of bats.

It's like, chill out, Greg. Fuck yeah. There's like a, I haven, like an evil knob and the windows are made of bats. It's like, chill out, Greg. Fuck you. I haven't looked into this so no one get mad at me, but there's like a GoFundMe spinoff called You Care.

Thank you. It's called You Caring. It's not like someone shared it one time. And basically the premise is like sensitive GoFundMe where it's like all the pages are like,

I've been too sad to look for a job and I need money for snacks. It's like, it's just the pages are like i've been too sad to look for a job and i need money for snacks like it's like it's just like very like like weird like it's like if you're if if you're embarrassed we're just crowdsourcing having a friend kind of yeah it's like uh like a weird kind of safe space go fund me i want to go look at it more because i was i remember like perusing at one time of being like what are we what is why do we have a separate thing for this yeah yeah i'm i'm i'm conflicted because on the one hand, there's part of me that's like...

I get it. Yeah, that's a good thing and it should exist. On the other hand, I'm like, how can we exploit this? You caring. This man has lived in a kitchen to follow his dreams of being a... I don't really know what Tom wants to do. I don't think Tom wants to do anything. I think there's just things he wants to do less than other things.

He's like, I got to do something or the voices come back. I pick the least bad option, and that happens to be try to fight Louis Coleman. Tom aspires to one day be a door owner. Yeah, pretty much. And it'll have a good, trustworthy knob. He puts happy face stickers on the knob. That's how you can tell it's not evil. If the frown goes up, then the door has to go. Picture a more upsetting tableau than twisting a happy face sticker doorknob to a room that has a naked Tom in it.

That's just a cut scene from a nightmare. That's on the editing room floor of your fucking worst imagination. He's laying on a bear skin rug, and that bear is somehow still alive. He's laying on a bear skin rug, and that bear is somehow still alive. He's laying on a sedated bear. Gorilla Vicodin is not strong enough for the bear. No, no, no. Now I'm imagining Tom gets into an unhealthy relationship with a gorilla at the zoo, and they're both doing tranquilizers together, like a heroin couple.

It's like Jesse and his girlfriend from Breaking Bad, but you're just nodding off on gorilla tranks. Us just watching a gorilla choke on its own vomit while we rescue you. Yeah, we were getting really into sleep. Dude, gorilla vomit is actually, it's actually just, if you just bake it, it becomes banana bread. Because it just makes their diet.

And they've got the yeast of the stomach, it all just goes, it's a delicious banana bread. You throw some chocolate chips in there. Your brunch is done. Second episode in a row, we've gotten back to goddamn bananas. Oh, yeah. I guess we have. Dude, fucking last night, I slept nine hours.

That is crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy for Tom. Yeah. Whenever I buy a bunch of bananas at the grocery store, I'm like, this feels less like a food purchase and more like a terrifying race against time where I'm just like, I got to eat all nine of these before tomorrow. You're just investing in throwing three bananas away later. Yeah.

That's really what you're paying for. It's like I bought a big pot full of leprechaun gold that just disappears before I can spend it. That's what about Tom mentioned. Yeah, he slept nine hours, which is like a long ass time for Tom. And I saw him wake up and he just woke up with the wide eyed bewilderment of a man who had woken up a thousand years in the future. And not slept a normal human amount. Like, you realizing you got a good night's sleep was like, oh, am I on the Avatar planet finally? Yeah, well, it's typically...

Like, oh, I can taste food again. It's like three to five hours most nights. Some nights I don't sleep at all. I've seen it. I know. And you're always astounded at how functional I am. And I'm like, yeah, I just don't sleep. That seems like a...

For not sleeping. I'm always astounded by how functional you are. Well, genuinely what it is, I'm not so much astounded how functional you are as I'm worried when the house of cards is going to collapse. Like after fucking Lewisgate when you stayed up for 42 hours and then got on that Skype call. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. At one point, will Tom become untethered from the concept of reality? Always.

And it happened halfway to San Diego. Oh, shit. What did I do in San Diego? We were driving. We pulled into that Starbucks. And you're like, I have to go to sleep for a couple hours because I can't see. Like. What? Yeah, he was just like blind with tiredness well no you just like things get fuzzy once you hit like 40 hours yeah no i'm not saying

you were wrong i'm not like well you couldn't do 72 you pussy like yeah i've done 72 i i know i don't think i've ever done longer than like full 24, 30 maybe. I've done almost 48. Wow. Yeah. I think that was a community college study session. And boy, did that pan out great. Yeah. Yeah, look at you now.

Man, am I so glad I did that. Yeah. I couldn't sleep for 72 hours. I got an A on those tests, though. 72 hours because I got off drugs. That was why. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, again, medical science doesn't apply. You're like, well, yeah, you got a full 12 hours of sleep, and you're taking a multivitamin, and you'd have a green smoothie, and you woke up covered in hives. I don't understand. So the doctor is recommending that you stand outside in the rain while eating donuts, and you should be right as rain. You are the medicine with the platypus is to the animal category. People just look at you like, I don't know. That's a different thing. It's a duck frog?

It's a fun piece of trivia, but there are still rules for everyone else. Well, guys, I dare say I think we're all fired up. We are saucy as shit. Yeah, man. I like watching you choke on my fucking phrasing. Yeah, your little whimsy teeth. We are salty. My underwear is wet.

We're jauntier than a motherfucker. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Oh, we're getting jauntier than a motherfucker. Jauntier than a motherfucker. She got damned. I'll kick it away this week. I'll do it.

Tom, make a call for what's going to happen right now. You want a good joke or a bad joke? I'm going to go good joke. Good joke. Drake is under fire for an allegedly inappropriate relationship with Stranger Things star Millie Bobby Brown. When asked for comment, he said, quote, 14. She told me she was 11. Come on.

Get out of town. We can sell out. It doesn't mean boys can't sell out that's just a fun joke selling out it didn't have a severed head so it's selling out to me look it's the most spinning bow tie pedophile joke you could possibly tell yeah i do love like i'm the best at any bad gig like whether it be a stand-up gig or a writing gig that it makes no sense for me to do i'm like i'm the best at any bad gig like whether it be a stand-up gig or a writing gig that it makes no sense for me to do i'm like i'm gonna be great at this yeah wait you need jokes for the local news awards or something yeah hit your boy up yeah exactly oh you need me to dress like a troll and razz two fucking live stream hosts i'm your man yeah i had to write jokes for it like a like a big tv show that makes no sense that i would write jokes for it i was like dude this is so funny that i'm doing that. Just the novelty

of that me, the guy, the Clinton and McGill guy is working on something for a Disney-owned product. Something that my grandma watches. It's just weird. Should I go next? Either way. Let's go Tom.

A baby was seen crawling across a road In Lakewood Upon further investigation He was trying to get to the other side I can tell when you're about to do One of those fucking jokes Cause your eyes like get sneaky And start moving sideways like those like cat clocks

From the 50s Cause I want to see your guys' reaction. And that is my only good joke I wrote this week, and I fucking love it. Oh, boy. I like that one. Yeah, it was fun. All right, guys. A toothless Texas inmate has been denied dentures by the medical board.

Good, said his cellmate. It is I, rapy Skeletor. Yeah, Darth Molesta. Darth Mom, your mouth with my dick. Yeah, Darth. Darth sexual abuse. Darth Raper, it was right there. Oh, duh.

The Philadelphia Flyers' new mascot has taken the internet by storm. Philly residents have even started a fan club, the Shitty City Gritty Committee. God, did you see the photo of that dude? Oh, yeah, that thing sucks ass. Connor, pull up a photo of Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyer. Oh, I did see it. I saw a picture of him, but I do want to see him more. It's hysterically bad.

Well, you know the meeting when they designed this thing was just like, all right, we could either have a good mascot or we could make some bullshit and Twitter will lose. Or we can trend for 20 hours. Exactly. And then have people go back to not giving a shit. Oh, my God. Brian Posehn. I'm going to put my thumb up.

It looks like a wonder shows in public. Yo, this guy is awesome. I fucking love him. Yeah. Wow. It looks like, I assume, Tom is going to look when he dies. It looks like it's like if Louis C.K. put on the mask. Oh, yeah.

Somebody stop me. Oh, Ronan Farrow. Yeah, he's a guy who's just out there just exposing all the rapists, right? Oh, yeah. Ronan Farrow. Yeah, he's the. Yeah. He's doing a little shoe leather reporting and really taking all these Me Too fucking abusers to task.

Just imagine a version of To Catch a Predator where instead of Chris Hansen walking out, fucking Gritty just kicks open a door. That would be... Do I still get to eat the cookies or what's going on? He's like, oh, holy shit, take me to jail. If anyone hasn't seen the photos of this thing, fucking look it up. It is horrifyingly bad. It's pretty great. Are you tweeting a photo of it out right now?

Yeah, it's so bad, and it's kind of perfect for Philadelphia. Yeah, it's like Jim Henson designed The Man Who Hurt Your Children. Yes. That could be at a Phillies game or in a horror movie. It really, truly does. It could genuinely scare people. It looks like the spirit of Philadelphia. It's kind of fun and approachable, but you look at it for more than five seconds,

and you're like, oh, you've definitely said the N-word. You're like, oh, I shouldn't leave my kids unattended around this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's turn is it? Oh, it's yours. Oh, it's my turn? Yeah. A new study shows that most people gain 17 pounds

after the first year of their relationship, making Keith Carey the world's most beloved man. Nicely done. Thank you. That's funny, because that attacks both his big heart and his big everything else. You got me. I enjoy food and am loved.

It's a backhanded insult. Yeah. There's a compliment. That's what it is. A compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there you go. All right, guys.

You evil knob, you. Headline, Asheville police seek missing teen last seen September 16. Damn, who wrote this shit? Eminem? I just read that and I was like, come on, guys. Throw adolescent in there or something. Yeah, mix it up. You know somebody pointed it out and they're like, that's fun.

Yeah, they're like, oh, well, maybe someone will quote tweet this ironically and make a joke like Connor did, and that'll spread awareness for the missing teen. A woman discovered a turtle lodged inside her vagina mrs flintstone's iud then turned to camera and said it's a living i love it calm i i love any animal that's like has a job yeah the flintstone this animal is an appliance and a slave joke is always funny to me. Oh, it's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A man surrendered his escape from the cops when he was bitten too much by mosquitoes. The mosquitoes then continued to help the cops by shooting an unarmed black man.

I'm just picturing, like, Blue Lives Matter mosquitoes now. I mean, look, if you look at Africa, there's not a lot of evidence that mosquitoes love black people. That's a good point. I mean, I guess they like them too much, if anything. Yeah. Well, it's unfortunate, but they are the most delicious. It was bizarre, because the article-

Something, something, dark meat. You get it. Yeah, the article was just like, look at how much these mosquitoes help this cop. And it was just like, it's not a kid returning like a bird or something. Look at this heartwarming story of everyone's two favorite groups, mosquitoes and the police.

Great press all around for both groups. Firefighters get dogs and cops get mosquitoes. Yeah, well, what an unlikely team up from the devil. Yeah, something that drinks blood

and something that just wallows in it. Amazing. This spider loves the devil. All right, well, that's kind of cool. That would be pretty cool. Is it my turn? Yeah.

All right, cool. Okay, gang, a new study shows that obesity leads to more female cancers than smoking. In his report on the subject, oncologist Dice Clay said, It's just common sense. Every feminist I know is fat as a fucking house. That's female cancers, feminism, according to Dr. Dice. Check out our sister show, I'm Over Here Now, hosted by Andrew Dice Clay on the gas digital network.

I'm over here now. I'm transitioning. Dice's fan base is thrilled as soon as they learn what a podcast is. And their grandson shows them how to get it onto their telephone, which is what they call their iPhone. Somebody trying to listen to an Andrew Dice Clay podcast, I just imagine somebody putting a listening cup up to a coconut. And it's like, this is how I do it.

I'm fucking stupid. Yeah, no, I just held my leather jacket up to my head like a conch. This is my impression of a Tom joke. A burglar broke into a home head like a conch. This is my impression of a Tom joke. A burglar broke into a home armed with a baked potato. Yikes. Hope that potato wasn't loaded. It's too good.

It's a loaded baked potato. Once again, terrific joke. I don't think that potato wasn't gun fried. Loaded baked potato is a concept that exists on Earth that's accepted by society. So you got to be like, what? It'd be like if you loaded a baked potato, but the potato was a bomb. You know, chives.

It was on a website called The Chive, which is something you find in potatoes. And then the sour cream is the blood. Chives, the shrapnel of the onion community. Should I try to do a joke like you now? Sure. Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go suck my wife's dick i like the for the listener you're like okay and then you just leaned back like i'm very confident a cat owner found her cat curled up next to a bag of heroin

the cat then sheepishly smiled and said, either you throw me $50 or you're going to have to go ass to ass for this. I mean, it's not far off from something I would do. Yeah, yeah. Your Keith impression is just kind of Tammy Gash after she had a cold

brew. The only part that was an impression was just, I'm very confident, which is kind of like a, hey, get off my dick, I'm partylicious. Hey, sorry, I'd like to have a good time. That was pretty, get off my dick, I'm partylicious. Thank you for designing my merch.

I got gravy, it's grooving. My gravy is grooving. Gravy's grooving. It's not groove gravy, go back to... Hey, it's me, fun t-shirt Kyle Kinane. Yeah. All right, guys. Will Smith tried stand-up comedy for the first time, and he says he's hooked.

So if anybody wants to know when they can come see me at a good show in L.A., the answer's never. Because I have to compete with Bill Burr and Will Smith. Yeah, no. There's no time for us. What a weird thing to be Will Smith and then just be like, well, what else can I be fine at? Yeah. What else can I do a pretty good job at while being fine? I've reached the top of the mountain that is mediocrity in every other art form.

Yeah, be it music or fatherhood. Yeah, I will not rest until I have an EGOT in C-minus output. Yeah, yeah. I think he's a good actor. Nothing else he's ever done. Yeah done ever fucking did anything for me. I like the part where he raps about moving to Philadelphia. He seems like he's... You had one fact to get right in that sentence, and you didn't get it.

What was I wrong about? He moved away from Philadelphia. Yeah. It's not called The Fresh Prince of Still Philadelphia. I thought there was a Bel Air in Philadelphia. What happened is Gritty chased him out. What about the Fresh Prince of Philadelphia, but it's like a refugee that moves from someplace so terrible, Philadelphia seems like a wildly luxurious trip.

He's like, oh, my God, I don't even need a mosquito net to sleep without dying. I reached for a cab, and when it came near, a cab was a thing and there was water in the sink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, the luxury is unbelievable. Yeah, I love it. I believe it's your... They make bullet holes. It's the first one.

Hey, what the country? Big immigrant voice. My wife. I am from whatever stand. Don't worry about it. I am from the white ones, so it's okay to laugh, Berg. I'm from Russia. And finally, 44 pounds of cocaine was discovered in a shipment of onions. The onions said, quote, it's not ours.

We were just holding it for those bananas from the Dave Ross episode. I knew where it was going. I liked it. Yeah. All right. A man pistol whipped his friend when they got into an argument over a Bruno Mars song. Regardless of who sang the song, it was a hit. Tom!

Here's some punch up for the joke. No, it's perfect. No, it is perfect. But what if the punch line, just hear me out. Turns out it was a Chris Brown song. That's not bad. That's kind of good. A hit.

Bill, a good thing he didn't use a grenade. That's a Bruno Mars reference. Oh, is that a Bruno Mars song? Here's the problem. I keep thinking about, every time I hear grenades, I think of the grenade that you could fuck. I saw it at the sex shop a long time ago. I only know... Who needs to come that hardcore?

The problem is the only song I know by him is Uptown Funk. And that is a hard thing to do a turn of words on. Yeah, it went Uptown Funk. Yeah, that would be the sound that gun makes when it hits your head. Thunk. Yeah. It's more of a... I think we're picturing more of a cartoon frying pan scenario

and not somebody's skull being split with a piece of steel that is full of explosion. Yeah, they didn't say whether or not they were still friends, but maybe.

I gotta figure now. I mean, if you're getting in a fight over that, I figure that you fight about a lot of stuff. Genuine question. So really think this through.

Let's say we got in an argument over something past. A hit. Okay, cool. Let's say we got in an argument over this joke. It's never happened.

And I pistol whipped you. You had to go to the hospital. How long do you think it would take you to forgive me? Once you let me choke you out. No, no, no, no. After I choke you out. No. I would rather just not be your friend anymore than get meat-throated by your fucking death hands.

Meat-throated. Yeah. Meat-throated. Yeah. Meat-throated. Because he's got meat hands and they throw... Isn't that what you call teabagging somebody? Meat-throating?

No. No? No, teabag is on the face. Oh, that teabag was in the mouth. I guess teabag can be on the mouth. I thought it was supposed to be on the mouth. I was under the impression

it was supposed to be on the mouth. I don't know. Or just the face in general. Maybe I don't know anything about tees. I don't really... I don't really teabag. And here's the problem with this question is we can't exactly look up the Oxford English

Dictionary's definition of teabagging. There's not going to be an accepted, like, well, this is the authority of the Oxford Urban Dictionary. Webster's.com defines teabagging as, quote, shut up and do your homework, Dylan. Yep. All right, guys. Dunkin' Donuts is now just going by Dunkin'. Here's my question.

Can we have the part of the sign that says donuts when they start taking them down so we can make a nightlight? I think that would be cool. It's just something I want to put out there to the universe. And maybe if someone knows, have the information. But imagine someone comes over to my room. You're like, pretty shitty. But let me. And then it just says donuts.

Like in a big, like, store front size. So that's good. I want to take it one step further. You get rid of that D and that O. And then if something crazy happens, you're like, yo, that was bang. Nuts. And then we turn on the nuts sign? Yeah, just nuts.

Oh, dude, we got to make a nuts sign. Yeah. Dude, we want neon nuts. Right next to the sperm bank sign. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's where you buy the sperm and then you take it over to the bank. Yeah, yeah.

For safekeeping. Yeah, nuts are really the bank of sperm. Yeah. What is the sperm to nuts? They're controlled by the Jews. For safekeeping. Yeah, nuts are really the bank of sperm. Yeah. What is the sperm to nuts? They're controlled by the Jews. The sperm Jews. Or as I call them, your body's endocrine system. I don't know.

The sperm Jew can grow to over 50 meters in length and eats 400 pounds of krill in one feeding. One of the largest Jews in the sea. Sperm Jews. The orca, informally known as the killer Jew. Yeah, we're going sperm Jew watching. And yeah, they come up and they breach and they go, ugh. The sperm Jew directed several

acclaimed films from 1972 onward and is known for his controversial relationship with his daughter, Sunyi. Oh, Woody Allen. Yes. Okay. I was like, which Jew is this? There's only one. That's a game show.

Which Jew is this? Here's the problem. Which Jew is this? Listen for the audio clip. Which Jew is this? Dave Cyrus. More Dave Cyrus. That's correct.

Every answer, I'm like, I got to be right eventually. How many of them are there? 2,000? Every Jew is just Dave Cyrus in More Dave Cyrus. That's correct. Every answer, I'm like, I got to be right eventually. There's only, how many of them are there? 2,000? Every Jew is just Dave Cyrus in a different costume. You hearing this, Dave? I like that you looked up. Like, Dave is the God he killed. I think Dave actually listens to the podcast.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. What's up, buddy? He texted me the other day like, dude, you're sick? And I was like, oh, no, that was days ago. Oh, yeah. I love Dave. He's a great dude. He's the nicest fucking guy. He's a hom yeah everyone followed dave on twitter or don't all

right uh this show brought to you by dave we'll return in a moment right after a brief message from uh jack in the box probably oh honey our 23 and me results came back oh wow let's open them up okay let's see this says i'm 80 irish obviously. You've seen me after a trip to the beach. Hey, you look like a lobster. Oh, stop. No, like a cute lobster. What else does it say? Okay, 13% Polish Jewish.

And ooh, 7% Egyptian. That's exotic. Open yours. Okay, it says I'm 100% Hitler. Oh, you mean German? Nope. It just says 100% Hitler. Oh, you mean German? Nope. It just says 100% Hitler. Oh, that must be a typo or something.

Just keep reading. Look, the second page of mine says my ancestors most likely immigrated to Ireland to escape. Well, it doesn't matter where they're escaping from. Right. Yeah. Just read your next page. What does it say? All right.

It says, you were born on April 20th in Austria. You were christened Adolphus Hitler. You rose to prominence in the German government and were central to the perpetration of the Holocaust. You are Hitler. Okay. That can't be right. This has to be a joke. Yeah. It says here, we double checked because we were like, what? No way. But our scientists are confident that somehow you're

Hitler. Well, who does it list as your famous relatives? I got Halle Berry, the guy from Thin Lizzy. Oh, look, I'm distant cousins with Mel Brooks. That's fun, right? Yeah, mine just says famous relatives include Hitler's mom,ler's dad hitler's cat presumably look man we're gonna level with you we don't really know how to handle this so we're just gonna mail it over and let you figure it out oh so 13 jewish huh 23 and me find out if you're hitler i just saw this photo of me. Meanboy's podcast is back. What photo are you referring to?

Oh, the one with me in the fucking Dave Cyrus grandfather's tennis jacket. Do you still have that tennis jacket? I do. It's in Orange County. Oh, dude, I want to wear that. I got to bring it back out. It fucking rocks. Yeah.

You look like the ghost of a Russian mobster. Well, I was looking through some old photos. I was dumped dumped out photos on my phone i was looking through some of them and i pulled out a few fun ones you know oh that's my throwback thursday where it looks like i'm vomiting up smoke yeah well that that fucking that new york trip in april was really the peak of like my fattest well not even fattest just every photograph of you from that like period of the tour looks like it would be on a missing person either as the dude who wandered off into the woods and never came back or the dude who did it like yeah yeah no i mean yeah it was just you just there were there were i couldn't find an image of you that wasn't hilarious yeah you uh you photographed hysterically yeah

i still photograph hysterically it is just a hobby of mine like i i often take pictures of tom just and i don't even post them or do anything with them i'm like i just want to remember when tom looked like this because it'll make me happy in the future because you've looked like so many different lunatics oh fuck what was what was the thing the other day with the with the fucking ducks hat and the the shirt. What did you say I looked like? Oh, like you were working part-time at a skeet shooting range. Yeah, and it was just so hysterical. I have that picture.

I got a tweet about that. You got a tweet. It was so fucking funny. And just the way I was leaning on your car. Yeah, yeah. It was, yeah. That was pretty much solid. With this fucking, your free Anaheim Ducks hat, which looks like the most free a hat has ever been.

Oh, you do? Yeah. I have one as well. Yeah. Okay. Well, give me one of them. We've got to be the Duck Boys. Oh, hell yeah.

Duck Boys. Yeah, yeah. We will have Mean Boys go to the Ducks game this year. Mean Boys get together or something? Dude, I would love that. We ought to start doing fan meetup things. Oh, company outings? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Basically, what if we used our fan base, but we didn't have to write a show? Yeah. I like when lady to lady were like, someone sent us like a big fuck robot. We sold it

and then used the money to rent a party bus and go see Magic Mike. I'm like, I've never heard a better idea in my life. That's a perfect idea. The fact that somebody

sent them a fuck robot is both hilarious and mortifying. Yeah. It was like a dude fuck robot? It was like a... It was like what they wrote on the It was like a Sibian. It was like what they wrote on the upsetting Howard Stern videos.

Remember when we watched Howard Stern? Oh, a Sibian. Yeah, and we remembered, like, oh, we thought this was fun, but it was actually assault. Like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that video did not age well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

Yeah, hello, Ace Hole does not appreciate it. Ace Hole. Ace Hole. Stop making Carmen Electra come on the radio. Get off the fuck bot Ace Hall Enthusiastic consent Not your hall

Ace Hall Her hall Ladies hall Ladies choice Ace Hall My hall Your hall We're hall

Ace Hall That was the worst Army recruitment commercial I've ever seen I haul more Before 9am Than you hole Hashtag me hall

Yeah Alright you fucking me holes The game this week Or this this episode, or whatever we're doing, is something we referenced on the Dave Ross episode. It's a game I put together called Late Generation Pokemon or Psychiatric Medication. Me and Tom each have a corner of expertise in this field, but we can't collaborate with each other because we're trying to beat each other. If you merged your amulet of shared

experiences, you would both be able to conquer this shit. We were like the opposite sides of that ring. I wonder what Keith's word of the day calendar word was today. What, amulet? I felt like I haven't said amulet. No, we've all said amulet a lot. You guys both sounded like you said hamulet, which I

very much enjoy. That's the glove that Keith wears that holds his powers. I'm just hamulating. Yes, yes. All the flavor stones. Nacho. Cool ranch.

Cooler ranch. No, I'm not picturing like a Jackie Chan Adventures talisman, but it's just like a piece of Canadian bacon that makes you fly. Later, fuckheads.

I'm imagining Keith with like a Flava Flav. Flava Flav clock, but it's just a thing of ham, just like a giant fucking... Okay, see, I'm picturing a pepperoni on a gold chain. No, I'm imagining the entire ham. A pepperoni the size of a hubcap that I have drawn a clock face on. And it's the same length, too, so you can just keep

neighing the ham as you walk around. How big can you make a pepperoni? What's up? Could you make like a frisbee-sized pepperoni? I mean, how big of the ham as you walk around. How big can you make a pepperoni? What's up? Could you make, like, a Frisbee-sized pepperoni? I mean, how big of a sausage can you make? Isn't that how you make a pepperoni? I guess I imagine it's limited by the intestinal casing. No, I guess you'd have to go with a strong-ass casing. You'd have to get, like, a rhino butthole. You would almost need, like, a non-edible casing, and then you'd cut it thin.

Yeah, you'd probably need an artificial casing. Yeah. So what is a pepperoni? I don't know what kind of meat it is. It's pork, right? I think it's some sort of, like, pork and spices and vague Italian vo artificial casing. Yeah. So what is a pepperoni? I don't know what kind of meat it is. It's pork, right? I think it's some sort of like pork and spices and vague Italian voodoo. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Well, send us information on pepperoni. Yeah, someone tell me what pepperoni is. Someone tell me what the thing I've been eating most of my life. I like that we called Tom. It's gross. We spent 40 minutes calling Tom dumb, and then we're like, explain a meat. Yeah, what is this?

You can make a pepperoni as big as your imagination, but you won't want to once you find out what it's made of. All right, fucking Sabara Willy Wonka. All right, Tom just watched Food Inc., apparently, and he's like, whoa, dude, fucking pepperoni's murder. Dude, suffering or grossness has never stopped me from eating anything. Yeah, be it pussy or carbs. I can't eat a sausage more traumatized than some women I've loved. Yeah, you really need to move on to a free cage, pussy. It's going to range free.

Yeah, range, yeah. It was a funny riff if I knew what it was called. Keith, all your dating history is just like two people trading bad couches on Craigslist. It's like, well, yeah, no, you sleep on this couch covered in cigarette butts and i'll sleep on your couch covered in blood well played all right pokemon or psych med toxopex uh shit this is pretty good i don't know toxopex i'm going psych med oh no i'm going pokemon because i don't think you put tox in the name of a medication just because it sounds bad. Yeah.

I think that – because they just have made-up bullshit names. They just make something that sounds like Zoloft. Like that's not – there's no Latin roots. Medi-core. Constituting the makeup of the word that applies to its function. It's just something that a focus group develops to make it sound safe. Right. Yeah.

So I got to go Pokemon on that one. I'm imagining just like – Have you prescribed Won't Hurt safe. Right. Yeah. So I got to go Pokemon on that one. I'm imagining just like- Have you prescribed Won't Hurt You, Syl? Yeah. I'm imagining just like a ghost Pokemon, but has like poison breastfeeding or something like that. Toxapex. Toxapex.

You sucked my crows' tits. Whoa. Toxapex. Come on, man. I think I got to go Pokemon on that. That one is a Pokemon. Hey. Tied up.

Number two, Lorantis. Morantis. No, Lorantis. Ooh, fuck. Lorantis. I got spelling. L-A-U-R-A-N-T-I-S. Could I get a country of origin?

Japan. Oh, wait a minute. Fucking suck my butt. L-A-U-R-A-N-T-I-S Could I get a country of origin? Japan Oh, wait a minute Fucking suck my butt, Sylvania You got it Very nice What's funny is I had to suck my butt in the chamber But I stalled out when I realized I couldn't think of an end that was a place Yeah

But yeah, you could say suck my buttlantis Yeah, that's true Dude, buttlantis yeah that's true dude buttlantis just an underwater butt how do you feel about porn that shot underwater i never i'm like why are we doing this this seems unpleasant you just introduced so many things that i need to work my way first of all buttlantis is the only mythological thing i've ever wanted to believe yeah yeah the volcano is just the ass from the Baby Got Back video. After selling his television show, Keith roasts, I don't know, something or whatever, to Netflix for a billion dollars.

He built the James Cameron submarine so he can go visit the lost kingdom of Butlanus. The one true god of Butlanus. An elephant with eight asses. Cheeks akimbo. Yeah. Cheeks akimbo, by the way say Cheeks akimbo by the way My favorite member Of the Expendables

It's just a Fat booty lady Is underwater porn a thing? Yeah like porn Where they're fucking underwater Who is that for? I don't know I don't like it

Well fucking in water Is terrible Have any of you guys Fucked in like a pool Or a shower or anything? A shower yeah Cause water dries everything out Yeah yeah

Yeah it's like trying to fuck a sand trap. I'm almost just like, hey, man, I get it, porn producer. You got a new camera and I'm happy for you, but this is not adding anything.

Yeah, I've never been hornier because I knew it was harder to film. Like, yeah, yeah. I've never been like, oh, man, this is the fucking I never jacked off

to that scene in Children of Men that doesn't cut for 17 minutes. Yeah, like what? I mean, I have just because I like watching Julianne Moore die. But the important thing. Hey, hey. All right. I'm going to say that that doesn't cut for 17 minutes. Yeah, I mean, I have just because I like watching Julianne Moore die.

But the important thing. Hey. Hey. All right. I'm going to say that that's a psych med. Okay. Yeah, I think it's a mood stabilizer. Okay.

I'm going to go specific on these because I feel like. Two things to keep in mind. Number one, I didn't write that down. Okay. And number two, you're both wrong. It is a Pokemon. Wow, damn it. Yeah.

Morantis, shit. Yeah. Number three. It is a Pokemon. Wow, damn it. Yeah. Morantis, shit. Yeah, number three. What kind of Pokemon? I can hear my high school buddies just being mad at me. Just like, oh my God, Connor, there's another, it's the number one sweeper in the UU. You fool, it's a unicorn with the head of a praying mantis or some shit. You know why I thought it was? It was like, oh, it was Japanese.

They're going to spell it L-O-R instead of L-A-U. So good on them getting more modern with the later generations. Very smart Pokemon. Hear that, Japs? Tom's proud of you. What a condescending thing. It took Japan several thousand years, but they finally got the mastery of English that Tom Evil Knob got. Number three, Stavzor.

How do you spell that? Oh, fuck. S-T-A-V-Z-O-R. That's got to be a Pokemon. That's a psych. That's psych. That's a psych, man. Yeah, there we go.

You motherfucker. All right. Have you known that one? No, no. Tell me if I hit one you've taken, because I tried to avoid the ones that you've talked about. No, I don't. Yeah, so far, none of these. But these are all, you went deep down the rabbit hole, didn't you? Oh, I went into this shit, fam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also, yeah, so far none of these, but these are all, you went deep down the rabbit hole, didn't you?

Oh, I went into this shit, fam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also, yeah. Number four, Delphox. Can we get spelling again? D-E-L-P-H-O-X. Ooh, that's got to be, that's a psych med. Okay.

I'm going to go Pokemon. That is a Pokemon. Yeah. Damn it, what kind of Pokemon was it? Again, I didn't write down. I'm guessing some sort of fox. I'm going to look it up. Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you.

I meant to have this more prepared. Didn't put a ton of work into it. No, that's fair. I mean, it's a one and done game. Yeah, exactly. Some of the new Pokemon. That used to be my favorite thing. They just get more and more blobby.

Yeah. Well, they really are just like, I don't know. It's a robot made of several horses. Yeah. Yeah. It's a what? Well, I mean, they've run out of, I don't know, it's a robot made of several horses. Yeah. It's a what? Well, I mean, they've run out of, there's multiple fire fox cats now.

It's just like, you've run out of elements and creatures that exist. You have tapped the nine tails fucking well. It's a Magmar wizard? Kind of, yeah. It does look like a Magmar dressed up for Comic-Con. Yeah, that looks like if RuPaul was the devil. It kind of, yeah. If you cannot talk, you will tuck your ass into hell forever. Sashay to your gray.

All right, I got a couple more. Let's see this one. Vibrid. V-I-I-B-R-Y-D. Pokemon. Oh, shit. That's like a steel type Okay

I think I don't know Ah this It also sounds like It could be a sex toy Either way Yeah I haven't known Any of these Pokemon so far

Yeah and I'll be I'll be honest I don't I tried to pick Pokemon That came out After you started having sex Cause I feel like That's the cut off line

When you absolutely Cannot care anymore You remember when We were playing Pokemon Go And I borrowed my my buddy's uh ds so i could play pokemon stay that was another that was a bit we were doing are you playing pokemon go or stay stay i got my feet to hurt too much dude i saw this amazing thing online it was just like a it was like a recruitment poster for the u.s navy and it was like do you love pokemon join the navy and we'll send you around the world where you can play Pokemon Go and exotic lands.

Are you serious? Man, that is, like, if you wrote that as, like, a family guy gag, it'd be like, we get it. You don't like the Navy. That's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's downright evil. Yeah. Oh, dude, the fucking Army recruitment guys that would come hang out at my high school were the fucking worst.

It'd be like, this guy was like, yeah, the Army's pretty cool. I mean mean great benefits lifetime respect and here's a picture of me playing guitar in japan have you guys ever played guitar in japan and and you could just see the kids who are clearly gonna have no future on earth just be like whoa they have those over there no way guitar for japan they don't know what that is they thought i was magic i gotta figure an asian tittiesued. I'm a low-level god in Kyoto now. Yeah, yeah. And I was just like,

gah. They call me Travis, bringer of the shred. I'm a ghost psych med. Harbinger of squee. Vibrate is a psych med. Fucking shit, man. Tom is crushing this game.

I'm getting my ass kicked. All right, I'll do two. One wrong, yeah. I got two more. Tranquil. T-R-A-N-Q-U-I-L-L. Yeah, I got to figure that's like some kind of psychic hedgehog. It's a Pokemon.

Are you thinking of Tom? Yeah, I forgot. I can see the future when I'm tired enough, but driving's hard, so I can't do anything You know, Sonic's like a real fast one of us. Yeah, I'm the other guy. When they created Sonic, they were like, we must balance the universe, and we made Tom. I mean, Sonic came out in like 93,

right? You're probably the anti-Sonic. Yeah. Hey, anti-everything. A lot of people think Waluigi the anti-Luigi. No, it's Keith. Here's the problem. It's just a short, fat... I clog drains more than I clear them. Hey, jumping?

Never once seen you gain vertical clearance of the Earth's gravity. I want to say I've done it, but I can't think of a specific time I did. Elon Musk is still trying to build a rocket powerful enough to make you be able to jump. Here's a problem I'm having. Here's the other problem. Keith's shoes are too sticky for movie theater snacks to jump. He can pop out of his shoes and hit his head, but that's about as athletic as he can. Yeah, I'm perma-welded to the ground by my love of Ju-Ju Fruits.

Yeah, by fucking Sour Patch Kids. Yeah, I've got a fucking Junior Mint tether. Yeah. Earthly coil. Yes, Tom. Okay, my problem is like, oh, that sounds like something I've, it sounds familiar to something I've been on, and I've also been like, I think I also caught that playing Pokemon

Go, so I don't know. Yeah, Tom's like, wait, wait, was I on that? Or was, did taking that prevent me from remembering what it was? Wait, how's it spelled again? What's up? How's it spelled again? T-R-A-N-Q-U-I-L-L. It's basically the word tranquil, but with another L. Yeah, I'm going to go.

Okay, so spell it three more times. All right. T-R-A-T-O-M-G-O-S-I-S-F-A-T-A-N-D-G-A-Y. I'm going to go. Tom is fat and gay. There's no. Gotcha. Fuck.

This is the hardest one. I'm going to go Pokemon. Tom is fat and gay. Tom, it's a Pokemon. Did you even guess cake. Tom, it's a Pokemon. Did you even guess, Connor? Yeah, I guessed Pokemon. I did guess Pokemon. Okay, finally got one right.

All right. One more. Aurorix. Spelling. A-U-R-O-R-I-X. Psycho-Man. Although that's a cool name for a Pokemon. Yeah.

I want to catch an Aurorix. That sounds dope. It sounds like a ghost romper. Some of these, I'm just bummed that they're not Pokemon because they sound like good ones. Yeah. Well, they're better. If you look at the Pokemon names, a lot of them are just like. Yeah.

Somebody kicked a Scrabble tile down a fucking flight of stairs. Yeah. I'm a board. Fuck. Yeah. Tom is pretty cool. I also think it's a psych med. It's psych, man.

Yeah. So here's here's how I can figure most of these out. OK. Yeah, so here's how I can figure most of these out Okay All of the psych They have a very particular kind of way They spell the names of their medication Okay So it's like you threw an X in there I was like, that's most likely a psych med

Yeah, okay If it's like, pronounced, yeah I mean, what you're describing is basically the mechanics Of how the game was designed and the point of the game That's why they're similar Yeah, no, no, they are similar They are similar I just, yeah Alright Do we have any more air we want to the point of the game. That's why they're similar. Yeah. No, no, they are similar. They are similar. I just, yeah.

Yeah. All right. Do we have any more air we want to let out of the balloon? I have a psych set. Tom, well, yeah, no, the point, what I was trying to do is determine whether or not it was a Pokemon or a psychiatric medicine. Using what I know about psychiatric medicine to deduce whether or not it was a Pokemon. This was a fun episode. Or the a Pokemon. This was a fun episode.

Or the aforementioned. This was a fun episode. It's like we're at a concert. We're all bouncing a beach ball. You see the beach ball coming to you and you're like, well, I know what to do. And I shot it. And you started reading a Bible. Yeah.

And then out of your back. And then you guys don't want to toss the Bible around. What the fuck? Yeah, out of your back pops the slowest hedgehog quills and just. Didn't that dude eat a Bible? Wasn't that the last episode? Yeah. Oh, here's a fun bit.

What if Wolverine could only get his claws out when he was horny? He has to have one hand free. He's like, okay, if I had two, it would be a lot easier, but I got a little drunk before this. Give it a minute, bub. I'm the best at what I do,

and what I do means I can't live by a school. Come on, just throw me. No, it's okay. We just let Magneto have this one. He has a little tiny, like a Dragon Ball scatter, but it's just a model that just plays porn. He's talking on a headset to someone back at X-Men headquarters, and he's like, interracial. We got to fight Magneto. Storm, take one for the team!

Uh-oh. All right. Well, that was that segment that Keith introduced. I'm throwing it to break, because we're a seamless team, and we'll be right back. Seamless, like a basketball. Like the food delivery service in New York. No, basketballs have, like, 20 seams. That's their whole deal.

They're nothing but seams. Yeah, but no stitches. It's the seamiest ball you'll find yeah yeah well unless we're talking about keys balls because they're just there's there's so much of them it's like uh it's like four other guys nuts were so they just look like frankenstein's head well his nuts look like someone made nuts for like the fucking nightmare before christmas characters that's the elephant music when my nuts come out yeah it looks like oogie boogie or whatever here come my gross ass balls dragging out the bottom of my pants this sucks okay we'll be right back

with the mailbag right after this judge brett kavanaugh is currently facing sexual abuse allegations stemming from a high school party in 1980 Kavanaugh has claimed to have a personal calendar from that time that proves he did not attend the party in question. However, the Mean Boys podcast has acquired that calendar. We present to you now the unedited contents of Brett Kavanaugh's day planner for the day of the alleged assault. 9 a.m. Wake up. Say Pledge of Allegiance to Closet Scarecrow of Ronald Reagan. 9.15 a.m. Practice smiling in mirror. No pain, no gain.

9.30 a.m. Eat breakfast with family. Attempt to avoid impure thoughts about mother. 10.30 a.m. Shower. Purge impure thoughts about mother. 11 a.m. Compile list of possible nicknames to give yourself at party tonight 1 p.m. watch

episode of Fantasy Island taped last night 1 30 p.m. write in secret journal about your personal Fantasy Island 1 45 p.m. shower purge 2 15 p.m. call Department of Water to follow up on request for hotter water and shower 3 p.m Stare at decaying cat corpse in closet. Attempt to feel. Look at what you've done, Brett. This should make you feel something, anything. 5 p.m. Dinner, parentheses, pork chop night. Yum. 9 p.m. Ride bike to meet friends. Play game of try not to look at black people. 9 30 p.m. Attend party. Remember smile practice. You have trained and purged and you will behave. 9.32 p.m. Rape that lady. 9.50 p.m. Integrate one of your nickname options into conversation.

Possible uses include, anybody need a beer? B-Dog is buying. Ain't no party like a B-Dog party. B-Dog doesn't know why that chick left crying. And if anybody asks, B-Dog was at debate team practice tonight. Repetition is key. 11 p.m. Treat yourself to some Baskin-Robbins, B-Dog. 11.30 p.m. Get home in time to place glass to Mom and Dad's bedroom door

to hear the sweaty, creaking, imperfect sounds of an actual human connection. 11.45 p.m. Shower. Purge. All right, and the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time for the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. There's the jingle. And now, with the housekeeping out of the way, Tom just said that he learned his fat percentage. I did. I did. If you're a man, the ideal fat percentage is like 15%.

I'm 23, which is the perfect on-the-nose fat percentage for a woman. So I'm a wonderful broad. Tom was told medically he is, in fact, a thick bitch. Yeah, I'm a curvy lady. Yeah, they gave me this membership to this cool new gym where we put on yoga pants and do calisthenics. Yeah, they diagnosed me with something called Kardashian-itis. Yeah, I'm fucking a basketball player now.

It's great. My boobs are in my belly. Yeah, I'm fucking a basketball player now. It's great. My boobs are in my belly. Yeah, I think they have like a photo reference chart you can do for your body fat percentage. And I think I'm like 40. Like, it's pretty rough. Oh, really? Yeah. They're just different globs?

That's exactly. And you're like, am I more of an apple-shaped nightmare or a peri-dump? It's pictures of just dudes of escalating fatness. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think I'm 35, actually. Okay. Which is not terrible. Yeah, but you've also been going down.

Well, this is going by Keith's self-diagnosed WebMD fat guy chart, so I don't know how. I looked at a picture of dozens of fat men, and I have determined that I'm doing great. Well, yeah, since I'm not well-lit and able to see myself in an out-of-body perspective, I've decided that I am not that fat. Yeah, I look like I'm doing all right after the divorce. Like, that's the body. I mean, I'm a serious bodybuilder now. I have been for about 11 days.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm looking fantastic. I've seen Connor do upwards of two, three push-ups, man. This kid is jackal. Well, yeah, that's the problem. When your frame is mantis-like, any sort of mild exercise turns you into the Hulk. Yeah, these fucking pythons, dude. Yeah, I know, dude.

I got my arms are almost three inches around. It's insane. Call Samuel L. Jackson because I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking Connor. On that plain-faced man.

There you go. Because I'm plain. Yeah. The whole time during the test, I was like, don't mention you just lost a bunch of weight. You're going to seem like a liar.

No. I mean, they get it, though. You walk in, you go, believe it or not this is pretty good for me this is yeah i like that you think they're like they're gonna think i'm lying as though like somebody who deals with the human body and exercise for a living is gonna be like i don't believe anyone's ever lost weight i don't understand the concept of exercise well the gym doesn't want to hear that you just lost weight they want you to be at your fattest look how much better shape you're in yeah i think you're thinking a little further ahead for some sort of sales hustle yeah i always think nine steps down in the wrong direction yeah well you

don't trust anybody you're like oh the fucking cashier that's making nine dollars an hour is trying to trick me into thinking i'm fat i don't know yeah better scream my way through the mall marcus carer writes thanks for reading my last comment about my future baby's name. I told my wife you guys would read it out loud. Now I can go to the KC event whenever you guys stop jerking it. I don't know really what the, what. He wants it to be announced. He wants us to go to the Kansas City event.

I also want to point out, because we didn't mention this before, this dude also said as soon as we announced the date and location for Kansas City, his wife will tweet pictures of her boobs. Oh, okay. And here's the thing. We'll just lie and make one up. I also find it weird that you tweeted that and not your wife. It feels like she doesn't know.

It's also like, I don't really, something weird about seeing boobs when there's a baby inside the lady. I'm kind of like, this feels like I'm, well, that's like. It's not the baby's boobs. Yeah, here's the deal. I adamantly disagree with Connor, and I say, go nuts. No, guy. Pregnant ladies fuck.

I mean, someone sent us some, like, a Carnock shirt that they bought with boobs in the background and then deleted it because they were like, yeah, maybe that wasn't a great idea. Like I said, I fully support the mean boy fan nudity. All that has led to so far is just one awkward dick picture, which was from a guy And jizz on Ramsey. Oh yeah, we got the Ramsey jizz.

It was very funny because it was after. The podcast really peaked when that happened. It was after we had our whole sort of like suicide prevention situation or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the guy messaged us on Instagram, and he was very sweet. He was just like, hey, you guys helped me through a lot. My life is hard. Also, sorry I sent my dick.

And I'm like, what? I realized the last message before had been that guy sending us his dick. We're the only podcast where you can send an unsolicited cock, and then the next thing is, like, a very sincere, like. A sincere note about it. And exactly what we want from our fans. Yeah, what we're saying is write the number for the suicide hotline on your erect penis. And tweet us a picture of it. Yeah, like the Death Grips No Love Deep Web cover, but it's 877-HELP or whatever the fuck.

I will retweet anyone who writes a suicide hotline prevention on their penis yeah if you got a small dick find a friend that's a confusing thing for people because they're like well I do like spreading awareness but I guess if you show someone a dick they don't want to see that's rude yeah all I got was the area code but you get the picture

alright well you gotta turn the dick around to read all of it and okay now I broke it. Okay, well, I just twisted it off like I was removing a sausage from a chain of them. The world's largest pepperoni. The pepperoni has returned. All right, guys, Jim Richards writes, Kenan Thompson is Keith Carey, Ansel Elgort is Conor Spadden,

and Tom Hardy is Tom Goss. Can you pitch a better cast for the Mean Boys movie? Any ideas for cameos for Opie, Ramsey, et cetera? Why do I got to be Kenan? Why are you upset about being Kenan? Isn't that the black guy from Good Burger? Yeah. Yeah.

His most notable role, of course, Good Burger. I don't know. I guess Kenan Thompson kind of works. We've been over this before. He's somehow the only celebrity I've shit on multiple times on this show. Oh, yeah, yeah. We should get him on here. Yeah, well.

We should get Kenan. Yeah, he's quitting SNL, so I think we could probably. We have Kel's number. Do we have Kel's number? Oh, I was thinking of Kel. We have contact to Kel. You said the fat one. Did I?

Yeah. I guess I could DM Kel on Twitter. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he has Keenan's phone number at this point. Oh, I bet he does. No, I want to get Kel in here. They were talking reunion stuff pretty recently. Yeah, well, maybe. Which I hope they do for Kel's sake. Yeah. It'd I want to get They were like talking reunion stuff pretty recently, so. Yeah, well,

which I hope they do for Kel's sake. Yeah. It'd be nice to give him a moment, you know? I guess I'll take it. Somebody pointed out in the tweet after that,

too, that nothing's funnier than the fact that Tom is Tom Hardy because it's Bane, and Tom is the only one who can't do the Bane voice. I like Tom Hardy

doing Bane. Austin Foley as Ramsey Bedawi. Who plays Opie? Who plays, oh, man. You want to say Michael B. Jordan is the go-to just because of the hair. Donald Glover.

Donald Glover as Opie? Yeah. Okay, all right, all right. Let me think of somebody. Although they do, I will say Opie's torso when he's not taking care of himself does look like Childish Gambino

in the This Is America video. Yeah. What a wonderful song that is. When Opie's depressed and chubby, he has the exact same body type. What's his name? Tom Riddleston or whatever? Hiddleston. Hiddleston.

Who do you think that is? Loki. Okay, you're right. It's Opie. Sure. Loki, that kind of rhymes. I thought for me, and I was like, okay, I guess. How about just Keenan puts on a different wig and is also Opie?

What if Keenan plays everybody? Like Eddie Murphy. He's like a Klump situation. Man, I'm not good at English at all. But they're not even like good kids. I've been fucking a lot, but I'm still sad. One of them is just wearing a t-shirt that says, I'm Ramsey now. Yeah, no, he doesn't even do change the voice.

He's like, hey, hubba hubba, party-licious. Wow, he really captured Keith perfectly. Hubba hubba, party partylicious. Wow, he really captured Keith perfectly. Hubba hubba partylicious. Have you considered kicking the Mean Boys into other mediums like animated shorts or something? Other question, who's someone you haven't had on yet that you'd like to? Kel. Yeah, actually, I just bought a computer for something that might be relating to this. I thought you said you were going to do it for games.

Well, I got one that I could play video games on as well. Because, well, it's like I wanted to get one that was like... You got two computers? Good for editing. No, no, no, I didn't buy two computers. There's one really strong computer. Computers can do multiple things. Yeah, I just got like a really powerful one

because I want to be able to have options of things I want to do. Yeah, we have a lot of ideas we've sort of pitched around. The biggest issue I think we come down to with animation... Talent and time. I mean, yeah, it's like we don't none of us draw and it's like i've had animated ideas i think would be fun or like bits from the podcast but it's like i feel bad asking anyone to do it for free yeah we don't we don't have like the money to throw like if we if we made five grand a month on patreon i'd spend full a full thousand of that just being like okay do tom

yeah but he's george washington and his teeth are made of gummy bears. It genuinely is. We just want to make enough money to finance a bunch of really stupid, amazing ideas that we haven't been able to afford. Yeah, but right now the stupid, amazing idea is barely stay alive. Yeah, exactly. Or a bed sheet that fits my bed. Oh yeah, that's going to be, after we do Snark Week

2, the next Patreon goal will be Tom gets a door. I want a bed sheet before. That's what I'm calling the Patreon from now on. The door fund. Tom, you can afford a sheet right now. I can. Yeah. All you have to do is go to a place where they sell them.

How much do they cost? Well, yeah, this is the guy who had to have shoes given to him by people worried about his safety. You act like you can't afford it. I'm not saying you have a lot of money, but sometimes it's less that you can't afford things and more that your brain doesn't get all the way to, I will go to the store and buy the thing. I think you're good at me. You're good at justifying

your discomfort to a point that's problematic. Yeah, I'll get arrogant if I have a blanket. Yeah, what am I, the queen of England? Well, it's also... It's also just like, alright, do I get a sheet, or do I get a fan to get the flies away from my area, or do I buy fucking... I'll give you a fan to get the flies away from my area? Or do I buy fucking fly-killing apparatuses?

I have a fan over there. I have a flan over there. Most of my spare... I have a Mexican dessert cooling by the air conditioner. What's great is I said I have a flan as I pointed to you. Your composition is not unlike a birthday flan. I have a flan. I have a flan.

Everyone avoids you at a Mexican restaurant. That's number one. I have a flan. One of Martin Luther King's less known speeches. All my luxury budget is going to killing the bugs right now. After we get rid of the bugs, then I will move on. Oh, yes. Luxury.

Avoiding disease. I know. Yeah. Well, maybe we could at least get the bed off the ground. That might help a little. Yeah. We could elevate that. It's not even.

The bugs don't get in the bed. Oh, okay. What are you complaining about, pussy? No. Bitch, bitch. Yeah. This is when they're complaining about, pussy? No, I'm kidding. Bitch, bitch. It's when they're surrounding it. It's just fucking gross.

Yeah, I get that. Well, the ants get in the bed. What do we want? We're talking like pie in the sky people. I think it would be really fun to do the show with Patton. Patton Oswalt, Dice, of course. Paul F. Tompkins is somebody I've always wanted to do a podcast with in some capacity. I think Rory Scovel would fucking murder here.

Okay. That would be fun. We want to hear from you guys also who you'd like to hear from. I'm trying to think. We have enough mild legitimacy that we can at least send an email to people. Just tell us who you want to see on the show. Mr. Beast, my favorite YouTuber. Not that guy. I'd love to do a podcast with him.

Fuck. Who's some other weird internet folks I'm into? I mean, honestly, you know who I'd love to My buddy Ryan, I think would be fun We're talking like that That's my dream guest He's got a drive from Ontario We're talking like famous

comics, probably my number one pull Cosby Stan Hope, dude I think he would hate this podcast I think he would too, but he would be fun number one pull and he doesn't cost me i do stanhope dude oh yeah i don't stanhope you would i think you would hate this podcast i think you would too but it would be fun doug stanhope is one of those things where i guarantee you like our listeners just got wet thinking oh stanhope and the mean boys i don't think you have a good time no one would have a good time no oh i'd have

a great time just me just disappointing your hero i think you think you would you wouldn't why what because we're not gonna let you if we're not allowed to have fun no one's gonna have fun Just disappointing your hero? I think you think you would. You wouldn't. Why? Because we're not going to let you. If we're not allowed to have fun, no one's going to have fun. Oh, no, I'll have fun. I would have Stan Hoban if he wanted to do it. No, I wouldn't.

I'd be like, we're trying to get people with bigger social media. Maybe we can have you on down the line when the numbers are up a little bit. Yeah, we'll let you do like an undercard podcast. Find that Kel. Yeah, Kel Mitchell. It's Kel or Doug Stanhope. Yeah, cool. Kel is like a God guy, so I don't know how down he'd be with the show. Oh, like a Jesus?

He's a very Jesus. Yo, Kel's a God level fan. Kel is a goat. Kel is on Mount Olympus. Greatest of all the All That cast members. He's a goatacacum. We can just not explain the show to him Yeah that'll go over Yeah

Definitely Every time we've tried doing that It's gone Not great Disastrously Look I'm just saying It would be fun to see where it ends up

I think Sure Alright Do I have a face of mischief yet? No You just get this weird Rictus grin Of I think, sure, alright Do I have a face of mischief yet? You just get this weird rictus grin of I think I'm clever on your head sometimes Nothing is funnier to me when things go south

Yeah, that's true I mean, that's why my life's so funny Favorite Green Day song All Time? That's hard. I'm hard-pressed to pick any butt pieces of Suburbia. I'm going to go Damn It, definitely. I don't like Green Day, but some of their earlier stuff is better.

Probably Basket Case. Yeah, I mean, it's the safest choice you could have made. I can't stand Basket Case for some reason. Is your favorite food water? Yeah, well, dude, I mean, it's the safest choice you could have made. I can't stand basket case for some reason. Is your favorite food water? Yeah. Well, dude, I don't like most their fucking... Yeah. That's a fair point.

That intel doesn't even work. Yeah, I'm a very simple man in a complex brain. What alternatives are there to Tinder for the dating man who's not looking to hook up any you have personal experience with? Have you considered trying being straight? Because that... Wait, so for the dating man? He's trying to...

He's a gay dude. He's trying to date, but not just fuck. Okay. And he's looking for an app for that. So my experience with the gay apps has mostly been that it's a pretty gross cesspool of just people trying to fuck. I will say of the three, Growler is the one where people seem

sort of the most... That's where the gentlemen are? Yeah, people seem the most romantically minded, the most friendly. I feel like the best conversations I had with people were on Growler. You gotta be into a certain type of man there. I don't know if you're looking for twinks, you're in the wrong place there. But if you're into

the bear-like gentleman, or if you're a bear yourself and you're looking for a chaser, as it were, growler... These words are very funny when you string them all together. These are all real bad. You know what it is? I think growler is a place populated by... You're talking about how to pair wine with cheese,

but it's about how to not get your ass reamed the first time you meet somebody. I mean, growler, generally it's a like, fat dudes who I think feel a little, like, rejected by the gay community. So I think they're a little kinder and a little more understanding of, like, ways you get your feelings hurt on dating apps. So they tend to be a little nicer, a little more upfront and open. It's basically an app full of me. Like, you know, where it's like, hey, I'm here to fuck, but I'm also a super nice guy. But I'm also a generous lover with my brain.

Yeah, you may have noticed my profile name is Hubba Hubba Partylicious. And, like, I'll unlock these pictures of my butthole if you want them. But if not, we can just converse about Disneyland. Yeah, you can have, like, private pictures on that one. And then you'll be like, all right, I'll let you get in the stash. Yeah, I hit the little online button. It's like, here's my dumb dick. Oh, okay.

That's fun. It's a fun feature. I take a growler shot. I'm giving you level three access. Don't fuck this up for me. I think also with Grindr, I think you just have to be more proactive and kind of like being like, hey, I'm actually looking to like talk to people and date them and not. You're going to get a bunch of errant dick and creeps thrown at you.

But like, yeah, you got to just sift through that and, you know, find people who are like mine. I'll fuck you. Let's just watch Doctor Strange on Redbox first. Exactly. Yeah. So that would be my answer to that. Okay.

What about, aren't there gay bars or is that a fuck place too? There are gay bars, yeah. But there are more. You can meet people. I mean, it says a little bit of both. He's asking about apps specifically though. Is he though? Or just in general?

Yeah, that's what he was asking. Gay relationship. Yeah. All right. How did your folks react to the nude roast? Sorry if this has been asked already. They didn't see it. We haven't discussed it.

Oh, you didn't show your parents, Tom? Yeah. No, I think I showed my sister or my dad. Yeah, my mom just texted me, I saw you naked, and I was like, tight. And then she goes, proud of you. That was nuts. One time I was taking a shit in my grandma's house while she was babysitting. Hell yeah.

And she just walks in and starts getting stuff out of the cupboards. And I'm like, what the grandma? And she's just like, I've seen plenty of them. I told the story about jerking off in front of my blind aunt on the show. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. I said to make sure. Like you're avoiding a velociraptor.

Just don't move all right guys we got some voicemails let's listen hi it's mike from pontiac illinois i was just wondering what's the dumbest thing you guys have ever done in front of a comedian you've ever looked A.K.A. like Tom, apparently not appropriate, asking for a sandwich from Jeffrey Ross. Thank you. I know what mine is. It's just funny to hear him referred to as Jeffrey. Yeah, yeah. His full credit.

Jeffrey. You're not his uncle. Don't call him Jeffrey. Two, I tried to buy him a sandwich when he tried to buy me a sandwich. Jefferson Lipschultz III. Is Jeffington Von Christkiller. He was trying to sandwich me, and I was like, no, it's a sandwich, too. I thought of four other ones that were more offensive.

Okay, good, yeah. He was trying to buy, well, Tom has Umbridge with the framing of this. Yes, I tried to buy him a sandwich. I bought the sandwich. But you didn't have any money. But I couldn't afford the apple pie. Most embarrassing thing I've done in front of a comedian I actually respect. I opened for Stano when I was like 21, and I asked him for a picture.

And I was like, look, I'm going to do this at the last day, because he definitely will not. He will think I suck forever. I have a fun one. At the Rose Battle, Tay. I was there at that show. It was the night. No, it was at that show. It was the night. No, it was a different one. It was the night that I lost the battle against Olivia Grace.

I was like kind of bummed out and butthurt. It was a weird experience. But I'm like at the after party and I'm like kind of walking around and I see Chappelle like he's walking down these stairs and like the crowd parts. There's like Dave and like they all move and I see him walking with like, you know, just all these people around him. And I kind of like see him walking towards me and I'm like

man if Dave Chappelle comes out to me and just acknowledges that I was funny tonight like that'll be something you know what I mean

I know he was there so I kind of I'm like walking towards him he's walking towards me I'm like this is my moment of validation

I'm just kind of looking at him and he looks at me and he just goes alright M-word and then he just walks around me just in this like

clear like I don't know who you are and he's just like creeped out by me I'm like ah tight oh cool yeah He just walks around me. Yeah, yeah. Just in this clear, like, I don't know who you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just creeped out by me. I'm like, ah, tight. Oh, cool. Yeah.

Well, you'd set it up to have your whole moment in a movie where he says, keep going. That's kind of, yeah. Yeah. I will, Dave. That's what I was waiting for. But then he goes, wait, wait, what do you want from me? He's like, I'm barely aware that there was a show tonight. Yeah.

I could tweet that I'm going to be headlining the Palladium in 10 minutes and it will have already sold out 11 minutes ago. Yeah, I had kind of the moment you were looking for with Hannibal after my very first roast battle against Olivia where he was there just afterwards like, hey man, good shit, keep writing. And then just walked

away. I was just like, oh, because at that point he was just like on fire with everything he was releasing to it. I fucking really love a lot of his shit. And then I also, I don't know. There's at that same party, I was pretty drunk, as we've talked about. And when I saw Dave Chappelle, I did not think it was Dave Chappelle. And I just went, man, that guy who looks like Dave Chappelle is just swimming on a couch of Asian bitches. Swimming on a couch of Asian bitches. Swimming on a couch of Asian bitches.

Yeah, there was like just seven Asian girls there. He was just like. That doesn't sound like Dave Chappelle. No, no, no, no, no. Not here comes Dave. Yeah. And then my ex-girlfriend was like, no, that's Dave Chappelle. There was probably a lot of shit from there.

I almost accidentally kneed Bill Burr in the head, but that didn't happen, so that was good. He was tying shoes near a staircase. Right. So that's on him. Yeah. It would be so great if you disabled Bill Burr for the rest of his life. Really? Would that be great?

Yeah, yeah. Would that be? Would that? Well, yeah. No, I mean, he's doing physical therapy, but the podcast isn't back yet. Here's another rerun put together by his producer. I forgot to warn Andy Kindler that the stairs at a show I was running were bad, so I watched a 70-year-old man fall up a flight of stairs as he was getting on stage.

And not like a graceful, like, whoopsie-dee-fall, just, oh, shit! Aiden is laying there, and no one goes to help him. We're just like, ah, what do we do? And then he just claws his way up. Well, I mean, it's not like he's not going to sue you, so, I mean, you know. Yeah, it was kind of amazing. He's like, how long am I doing? 15?

We're like, yeah, 15. Does 15 minutes on the dot just riffing about falling up the stairs? It's pretty remarkable. All right, next voicemail. Hi, Mean Boys. It's Josh from Connecticut. You guys have been putting out great episodes recently recently and I want to thank you for that. My question is,

what exactly makes you who you are? Not to get all deep and philosophical, but is there some sort of memento or souvenir or maybe solidified experience that you have where you would not be the person you are today had it not been for that one thing? Thank you.

And I love you guys. I knew in that sandwich there was a lifetime of opportunities. Where's magic sandwich? Mostly when I was birthed. I think that was the main moment. When I put it on my head, I got magic powers and I made Christmas fun again.

Man, this is a good-ass question. I wish I had a good-ass answer. I don't know. Is it a good question? I kind of get it. He's like, what made you who you are? Like, what's the most... Like, if there's one moment. You've got to, like, go down to one, like, formative experience that, like, made you who you are.

I guess I would say Christmas Eve with my mother's family. Okay. Funny people, you know? And I was like, oh, I want to be be funny like my cousins and my aunts and uncles. Okay. It's my lame, sincere answer. I think I remember mine is I got really into movies when I was

13. I was like, I'm going to be a writer. I wrote some terrible stuff. He had an accent when he was a teenager. Yeah, I've been getting deep into the works of Quentin Tarantino. Dude, I remember one time the douchiest conversation I was ever part of. One day I'll be Kevin Smith. I was talking about Pulp Fiction with this guy in my woodshop class, and he goes, man, it's not even a movie.

That shit is a film. I was just like, you idiot. Suck 12 asses. But I remember I printed out one of the scripts. I don't know what I thought I was going to do with it, I was just like I did it I wrote a movie it was 30 pages long type wrong but I remember my mom like came in to like tell you something this is during like a sober period and she's

kind of like afro of nothing just kind of goes oh and I read that thing you wrote keep doing that and it was really the only like time we ever addressed like I'm going to be an artist and not finish school or any of that shit oh that's really cool but yeah I remember kind of very vividly being like, all right, I got it. Wait, where'd you get all those ideas for that demon that makes tree houses?

Yeah, I'm like, well, I got to go ahead from God's most unconstructive creature. What was the movie about? It was two guys who rob a bank and they end up with some sort of gun shootout at Disneyland. I forget exactly how it was. Okay, that sounds with some sort of gun shootout at Disneyland. I forget exactly how. Okay. That sounds like. That sounds like some 13 year old kid shit. Sounds like some shit you could have written last week.

Yeah. It would have also been good. Yeah. It wasn't like good. Everybody's first script is just what if Reservoir Dogs sucked. That's every movie dork's first thing they write. So that was mine. Fuck.

It's either when I demanded to bring a shopping cart I found onto the short bus. This is the best, like, summary of me. Tom Goss origins. Yeah. Honestly, the, like, biggest moment of, like, I'm fucking diving the deep end, and I don't recommend this to anybody who's on psych meds. I'm fucking getting off the psych meds. I'm not going back on them.

If this works, it works, but it's not helping me. If it fucking kills me, it fucking kills me. I'm not going to live this way. And I just kind of cold turkey got off. He was Geodon at that time. Pokemon. And, yeah, it was a brutal just, like, three days of withdrawals. And, yeah, just kind of jumping off the cliff and seeing if, you know, like a bird catches me or something.

Yeah. The bird was the mean boys. You didn't exactly fly off the cliff, but you did bounce on the rocks and get catapulted by the trees and land on a raft made of podcast. And I'll take that over fucking what was before. It was like Homer jumps the gorge. That is what happened. Yeah, you didn't win, but you didn't die. Alright guys, well that's the Mean Boys podcast

for this week. Yeah, what a fun, sexy show. What a fun time. It felt very October. Very fall. It does. There's an autumnal ass thing going on. I love what you have to process when I say, do I agree with this? Yeah, well, it takes a second. What I try to do is try to get at what you're trying to say.

Yeah. Oh, no, I succeeded in saying it. Don't have the time. Thanks for listening to the show, everybody. Anything we got to plug? Yeah, when is this out? Thursday. Thursday.

Yeah, tonight I am at the Sycamore Tavern at 10 p.m. at the Dojo. And there's some really fucking... Dojo. Dojo. And there's some really fucking other funny... It's like a really good lineup. Mo Mandel, who's on the show, is on it. And fucking... Fucking who's the other... Oh, someone it. And fucking who's the other person?

Oh, someone else. I think someone else. This is the worst. Someone? Is there a guy? A lady? Some fucking person? Yeah, October.

Somebody that's alive will be there. October 5th and 6th, I'm with Keith at the Stable Casino Saloon thingy in Miami. Jesus fucking Christ, Tom. October 5th and 6th, me and Tom will be at the Looney Saloon in Miami, Oklahoma. October 13th and 14th, I will be at Laughs in Tucson, headlining there.

October 23rd and 4th, I will be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. And if you're in the Los Angeles area, October 18th, I will be on Big Money at the Virgil. Yeah, guys, fucking this Saturday, my dad's kids' tribute band playing at Shamrock in Chino Hills. Oh, shit. October 18th I will be on Big Money At the Virgil Yeah guys Fucking

This Saturday My dad's kids Tribute band Playing at Shamrock In Chino Hills Oh shit This Sunday I'm headlining

The Chatterbox In West Covina And October 13th I'll be at the Hollywood Improv So that'll be fun If you wanna come see me Nice

Alright Thanks everybody Fuck everything God is dead.