Mean Boys - EP 157 - Dar Dar Binks

Episode Date: October 2, 2018

Get tickets for HALLOMEAN 10/28 in Los Angeles: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/hallomean-tickets-50897618146 Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Some tickets for the fall tour are live here: http://meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fares, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets. Hey, everybody. It's your mean boys. Yeah. Yeah, all three means. All three of us.

All three means. So some important announcements. Yeah, don't skip the intro if you usually skip the intro. Yeah, I know we say that every intro, but this one is actually important. Yeah. So guess what? The tour's canceled. Oh, no. We're sorry.

Oh, man. I'm bummed. Here's what happened, you guys. We started planning that November tour. We were excited to come out down south and come see you guys. Then we got picked up for a writing job me and Connor did for a Netflix thing that's coming out. And it just became a thing of there was no way for us to get the tour properly planned, get

out there and do this job. We would rather postpone probably until January ish. Yeah, January, February. Somewhere in that range and be able to do the tour properly, be able to promote it. We want to put on good shows for you guys. Unfortunately, we hate

doing this. Yeah, no. I would much rather be out there partying with you guys, but it was sort of a situation where we didn't know what was going on for a while, and now that we do, it's like there's no time. Yeah, there was a lot of discussion on what the best move was. Yeah, we really waited until the last minute to do it, because if there was any way we could make the tour, we wanted to go.

Yeah. So for those of you who have been tweeting at us asking what's going on with we're sorry we're so yeah that's why and that's why we haven't responded because we didn't want to you know we didn't want to preemptively do anything and you guys couldn't announce what was going on yeah if you uh if you bought a ticket uh i've uh i've sent you an email uh about a refund and uh just about the best uh channel whether you use uh square cash or or PayPal or Venmo or whatever. So everyone, they bought a ticket, get your money back. And I am very, very sorry.

Yeah, we all are. But we'll be back out there soon, bigger and better, after we get done writing this damn TV show. But the skies are not all gray in the world of live Mean Boys events. We're doing a fun little get-together in L.A., a little something we're calling Halloween. Ooh, spooky. Guess what?

Halloween-themed, happening near Halloween in date terms. Yeah. Can we do Halloween 2 but on Thanksgiving? No. No, yeah. Halloween is happening on October 28th. Halloween 1. Halloween 1.

Not Halloween 2. Halloween Classic. Yeah. October 28th at Echo's on Pico. Echo's on Pico. Los Angeles, California, 9.30 p.m. $5 tickets, $10 at the door. The link for that is in the show notes.

That's actually happening. Yeah. We can't cancel a show that's seven miles from our house. That is 100% happening, and we're going to try and book a pretty festive-ass lineup for you guys. It's in L.A., so you know we have

a couple relevant friends. Not as cool as Halloween 3, which will be on Christmas. We rarely do L.A. shows. We're really excited about this one. We want to make Halloween an annual tradition. So come out if you're in L.A. If you We're really excited about this one. We want to make Halloween an annual tradition. Yeah. So come out if you're in L.A.

If you're in O.C., come up. Hell, if you're in San Diego or Fresno, come hang out. Come hang out. We'll make it worth it. We're going to try to get someone to give people tattoos and shit like that. We'll go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles across the street afterwards and be huge pains in the ass. I'm going to see how much it costs to book my dad's Kiss tribute bands. oh bro yeah we'll figure it out so halloween will be fun halloween is definitely taking place halloween i know it's a sorry consolation prize for the tour but the tour

will happen soon yeah we're not even canceling it we're postponing it we're rescheduling it and i've talked to because we got locked in they're all like yeah hit us up when you come out and we'll get you set up yeah because of dehydration that's the reason you cancel locked in, they're all like, yeah, hit us up when you come out and we'll get you set up. Yeah, because of dehydration. That's the reason you cancel a tour when you're a celebrity. Yeah, it's exhaustion. Exhaustion. I've been snorting oxys with my butt. Yeah, yeah.

Butt snorting. Halloween 5, New Year's Day. Do you have any idea how difficult that is to do? Yeah. Snort something with your butt. Farting in reverse. Can I at least get an attaboy for reverse farting drugs? Farting in reverse sounds like a weird al-ass emo band.

Yeah. Oh, I just trapped a bunch of coke dude halloween six martin luther king day yeah i foobed i foobed yeah speaking of exciting things on the horizon oh my goodness only a scant 23 itunes reviews away from keith's mama palooza he Keith just winced. Yeah, dude. Part of that is because I'm dying of stomach death right now. Here's the day Keith and I had. Nobody liked all the shit we wrote, and then Keith got very sick.

Yeah, I got just poison stomach, so I was just laying in Connie's car just moaning while he just got me Pepto-Bismol. Yeah, and I was like, do you want me to go get you some medicine and cigarettes? And he was like, uh-huh. Very sweet. I was like, man, Connie's the best boyfriend ever. I was like, do you want me to go get you some medicine and cigarettes? And he was like, uh-huh. I was like, man, Connie's the best boyfriend ever. I was like, do you want me to rub your hair while you moan softly? And he's like, yes. And I was like, who's a good boy?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. I'm a good sad boy. Yeah, 23 more iTunes reviews. And we will go interview Keith's motherfucking mother. This person writes. Motherfucking mother. I didn't realize that. The phrase review his mother is pretty funny what i'm

dude i'm fucking tired man i had to actually work today which i i i've built a life on not working so now i'm like oh i finally got a job like oh that's right i don't i'm bad at this i have no discipline uh so this guy writes keith's mom five stars love the podcast so close to keith's mom just how tom likes it. Also, come to Memphis if getting shot isn't a factor in where you generally tour. You know we've been to Hamtramck. How dare you? Hamtramck.

So, yeah, go fucking drop a review. It's right there. I mean, it's not like it's 200 away anymore. We're so close. Striking distance. We've got to get shit done. And speaking of goofy-ass goals we're trying to hit, jump on the Patreon if you haven't already. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys, because

we are very, very close to reaching our $2,000 a month goal, which means Snark Week 2. Which means we're going to have to come directly off of a writing job, directly into seven podcasts in seven days with seven bonus episodes. So basically 14 podcasts in seven days. Yeah, for which we will be

playing a new game of Meanopoly, which we just got in the mail from listener at iRoll20s. It's been mailed here from Australia. I haven't had time to explore it all the way, but he's built a full fucking game. I looked at the first prototype of it, and it's... If you're a Mean Boys fan, there are so many wacky

details to this. There's stuff I forgot about. The amount of work you put in this is fucking amazing. It was a very, very thoughtful gift. I'm super stoked to play. We're going to get. Oh, yeah. There's stuff I forgot about. The craftsman shit, the amount of work you put in this is fucking amazing. It was a very, very thoughtful gift. I'm super stoked to play. We're going to get an all-star crew of Monopoly players on this shit.

Yeah, we're going to bring in the best and brightest. And the Monopoly game was great last Snark Week. It'll be great this week or this time. And we will do it while smoking in Opie's room.

Oh, 100%. $5 a month gets you access to bonus episodes every week. Another hour. Which, for Snark Week, we'll be doing an extra bonus episode each day, too. Yeah, so seven extra hours. Seven extra. Oh, boy.

You want to be on the Patreon for Snark Week. Here's another thing I want to say. They're not all going to be an hour, all right? Snark Week ones, you get 30 minutes max. Yeah, that's... Minus the Meanopoly, which will be like three hours long. Which will be a whole Ken Burns documentary that also sucks.

Fucking $10 gets you a piece of merch every month. This month we're doing Iron On Patches. Oh, we did those the last month. Never mind. We don't know

what we're doing this month. Oh, never mind. All is lost. Something's cool. Yeah, no, I didn't mean that. I wasn't trying to shoot you down. No, no, I appreciate you. Yeah, yeah.

No, I totally forgot that. It's a different month. Look, shit's hectic around here We haven't figured it Yeah I heard it it sounded hilarious I vomit louder than any human It was insane It was a gentle puke

But it just comes out Someone let out a fireplace bellows Full of monsters If fish could scream That's what it would sound like It was fucking horrifying If fish could scream, that's what it would sound like. It was fucking horrifying. If fish could scream sounds like a haunting poem

that you wrote. Yeah, this is a fucking Maya Angelou first draft. Yeah, so that's what's going on. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Click a few buttons.

Help out your boys and get involved in the community over on the Mean Boys subreddit, our Mean mean boys and of course on our discord channel moderated by alexis filth you can uh fucking play games you could show each other your wieners you can you know there's all there's all there's many different sub chat rooms and uh shout out to alexis filth by the way for writing uh the suicide hotline phone number on her dick oh that was that was fucking awesome rules if anybody else wants to write the suicide hotline number on their dick, please do, because

it'll never stop being fun to me. I will retweet you. Yeah, it's pretty great. As will I. Yeah, I love it. So Alexis wins mean of the pig of the week. Wow, Tom. Real ass pig shot.

Way to introduce a new segment to the show. A, without a good name, and B, without consulting either of us. Pig of the show. A, without a good name, and B, without consulting either of us. Pig of the week. Keith, for the 600th week in a row. Wow. Awesome. What a great, fun time to be me. What a streak.

Wow. Boy, are you sick and fat. Man, I want to die. Yeah, yeah. So, other than that, all you got to do now, I think, is sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's Just the Boys fucking extravaganza right here in your ears coming at you now. Later. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. If you feel doomed, you're just buying into the machine's plan to stop you from changing anything. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Tom Goss. And I'm a Supreme Food Court Justice. Hey. Wow. Wow. Great. All right. Well, fuck. Hey Wow What a Wow Great Alright Well fuck I'm sorry it wasn't as good

As everyone else's nothing But Yeah no no Yeah well It's I There's no worse feeling Than Connor's like

Dad who doesn't want to look At a kid who drew a picture He's like oh You're gonna put that On the fridge aren't you This is a fire truck Yeah Is that what

That's a fire You mean to. Is that what you're going? That's a fire. You mean to tell me that's a joke. Okay. Cotter's kid is going to be such a successful artist. Yeah. Oh, no. I'll prop up my kids failures.

I mean, I'm not. You didn't come out of my dick. Nothing comes out of your dick. As a matter of fact. You were just a soloft adult non-climaxer. Oh, stuff comes out of it. It's just. What? Fucking blood? No. You got to work for it. You were just a Zoloft adult non-climaxer? Oh, stuff comes out of it. It's just... What, fucking blood?

No, I just... You gotta work for it, you know? It's like digging for shitty gold. It's like making me come is like filling a barrel of maple syrup just by woodpeckering trees with your fist. Yeah, like somehow it's better because it was harder. It's like 36 chambers of Wu-Tang kind of training exercise, you know? Yeah, no.

And I do jizz. Well, here's the thing, because I don't cum that much, because it's just such a process whenever I actually have to fucking crank loads out of myself, that when I do cum, there's always a lot of it. And I'm always like, ow. You know? That's the best, when you do the one that's too big. It feels like your dick is getting bigger as it slides down the tube.

Oh, yeah. No, the maintenance load, where you're just the first one. Like, that didn't even feel fun. That was just like pure it's your volume yeah yeah it's like when you pour the iced coffee out into the trash so you can put your cream in why don't you just drink the iced coffee that's what i do but i see people pour it in the trash i always get mad at them well i don't want to just take like a hot like a hard belt of like black iced coffee i'm just like no yeah that's black iced coffee oh yeah you don't want to be a man is what you're telling me. No, I don't.

I want to be a swishy little twink who gets his coffee how he likes. All right. Anybody could say that. I've never heard anyone call you swishy or twink. I know. I was reaching for adjectives, dude. Yeah. We've all had a week.

Dude, you and words, man. Good day. I'm just going to let Q spin his wheels here, hoping that I start talking so he can have time to think of something to interrupt me with. I'm like the nail that ruined the wheel. I'm enjoying this dynamic where I'm just like, oh, you guys come to me. Connor talks too much on the podcast. That's the only one of the podcasts is when Connor doesn't. Well, yeah.

I love that you – He starts screaming about something he doesn't understand. Yeah, you wait to make this political statement until you know we both have 3% battery in our fucking brains. You both slept three hours in the past 48 to fucking be the best. If you guys had read Machiavelli's Laws of Power like I have, then you would know this is the perfect time to strike.

And I played my cards expertly. That's the Christmas duelist that I am. I actually do have a lot of things to talk about. I went and spent the weekend with my family, which is nice. I saw of the the high school bros we played some uh some old format yugioh you know we just said 2011 september band list fucking bring in what you got yeah fucking go old school i had a just a blast sitting on a in a hot card table that's that's where all these that's where all the best times of your life are at or around a just a hot room in the world's dirtiest card table yeah it's like i'm in the shittiest

place having the best time of my life where it's like did we use this table for like some kind of industrial nougat like rolling operation we were like shaping it and cutting it it's just covered in this like movie theater floor film of just likecified loser paste. Yeah. You guys are just flaking off your general autism on the table. Yeah, well, it's like, well, the Sour Patch Kids dust has coagulated to the Little Caesars grease. And then, of course, all of my history homework on top of that got wet. It's like a map of snack mordor. Yeah, yeah.

You see who was eating what where. It's just got a weird silly putty surface where it just absorbs whatever touches it. So yeah, that was fun. I finally saw my dad's Kiss Tribute Band. Yeah, how was that? They fucking rocked. They were fantastic. You said a video.

I was hosting a show when you sent it. Yeah, I was so bummed they couldn't go, man. They ripped pretty hard. Yeah, no, it was great. It's a thing I always want to mock because it's inherently funny and no makeup Kiss Tribute Band, but they're also really fucking good. Yeah, yeah. No, the singer puts on a great show. It's funny. I was talking to him afterwards, and he's like a little like five, like five. band, but they're also really fucking good. Yeah, yeah. No, the Stanker puts on a great show.

It's funny. I was talking to him afterwards, and he's like a little like five, like five, six. Wait, what did you call him? What? What did you say his name was? The lead singer, Mike. Oh, I thought you called him Stanker for some reason. I'm like, I really-

Oh, yeah, Stanker Mike. Yeah. I have a guy that would sing for no makeup, kiss, tribute band. A hundred percent, yeah. Hey, guys, bad news. Stanker Mike has to do his public, his community service, so he's going to miss this gig, but- Yeah, I'm not going to make it tonight, fellas. I got. Stanker Mike has to do his community service, so he's going to miss this gig. I'm not going to make it tonight, fellas. I've got a stanker sore.

Yeah, we're having Acra Jones fill in. Their farewell album is called Stanks for the Memories. Yeah, they were fucking awesome. Yeah, there's just this little 5'6 Mexican dude with a beard and a a beard and like a bro, like a like a kiss bro hat. Right. Wearing a tank top, you know, who just who looks like he's a he's a gardener. He looks like a gardener. Right.

He's like he sounds exactly like Paul Stanley. Yeah, he's fucking nuts. To like and like even down to like the in between like the song banter. Yeah. It's not like he's like, all right, everybody. Thanks for key. Still doing like, all right. He's still doing this guy. He's still doing Paul Stanley in between.

And yeah, it was fucking great. He got confused and shot the, my dad made a love gun confetti cannon. And he shot it off. I love that. He got confused and shot it off during the wrong song. So during the climax of love gun, he just kind of had to dance. He didn't have his confetti. Remember when I did that thing earlier?

That was crazy. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, Mikey, it was the strutter gun tonight. It didn't strike the right song. No, yeah. I don't remember which one they did it, but it definitely wasn't Love Gun. Oh, that's so funny. Because I remember watching Love Gun going like, where's the Love Gun?

And someone goes, oh, yeah, he blew that earlier because I went outside with my mom for a second. But, yeah, my dad did Smoking guitar, which is pretty cool, you know? That is pretty rad. Ripped that up. Like a fog machine on the guitar? The bass player's got a little rocket that shoots out of his bass for the end of Firehouse. It's so weird to have all the other accoutrement

and fabulousness, but none of the fucking makeup. Well, Mike doesn't want to shave his beard, all right? We'll just do it around it. It would look pretty hilarious. It would look funny. You'd just look like a swedish death metal guy kind of but you can make that work nah i mean they're just i i think uh no makeup kiss you know you and my dad was talking about he's like for the first three four songs people are always kind of like okay and then by by song five or six everyone's fucking feeling and the crowd was going off there was like a 60

year old fat guy who was pogoing for like a good 30 seconds damn that's big i was like watching him pogo and i'm like all right he's about he's running out of gas pretty quick here and then he just kept i'm like man this orthopedic shoe technology yeah come a long way because this guy has been bopping the deuce for like you know half the song i say this is somebody who's been in this situation so many times there's nothing funnier than watching the fat guy in the pit who like his passion is not matched by the ability of his body but he just wants to rock out he's got half he's over committed to it he's pacing himself he's a guy i'm gonna go in like right at the chorus of like the one song i really like and then go hang around the edge of the circle and just be kind of into it no bob what's

left of my neck that'll be like that pat and i was a little bit about axl rose doing welcome to the jungle oh it's so fucking funny welcome to the jungle you know like yeah that's pretty much what it was yeah dude yeah so the guys in the other guys in the band mike is awesome great front man dancey shimmied the entire time you know and i'm like again i get winded i was talking to him after like, dude, I get winded telling pussy jokes. I don't know what you're doing out there. But he was fucking just belting these songs out and, like, shimmying and doing mic stand shit and fucking getting the crowd into it. Yeah.

Great front, man. The other lead guitar player, Alan, is a guy my dad's known since he was, like, a kid. Like, he's known this guy for, like, 40 years. And he's got long hair. He looks like Lucky from King of the hill if life had gone worse for him he's got like he slipped in the piss and didn't get the check exactly yeah lucky if he didn't get the check and uh he has a fan that blows on his long hair when he guitar solos so that he can look more rock and roll this is he has two hair fans pointed this whole thing is so

profoundly lame that it circles around to being the raddest thing I've ever heard. Oh, it's fucking great. Yeah, well, it's just like at no point do they pretend that they are not 50-year-old guys doing a kiss. Right, they're very self-aware of how ridiculous the thing they're doing is. They are the best possible 50-year-old guy kiss no-makeup tribute band. The last thing you want to do. Yeah, you don't want a humorless no-makeup kiss tribute band. Well, look, and here's what you get when you go see room service,

is you realize, oh, Kiss is actually pretty great. They are great. Kiss rocks pretty fucking hard. Yeah. Yeah. I have a question. Sure. The fat man brought a pogo stick to the show?

No, pogoing is like jumping up and down. Jumping up and down. Yeah. Oh. I thought that this was. This whole time. You thought we were casually speaking of a fat man on a pogo stick. You thought the world's goofiest pedophile had come to this shamrock bar in Chino Hills.

Hey, kids. I mean. You thought the cat in the hat had gained weight and gotten into 80s fucking butt rock. I've never been into that kind of music. I was like, maybe it's a... You think it's the people who bring Pogo sticks to kids shows? Everyone knows eyeliner, leather jackets, long hair, Pogo sticks. All the cool guy shit.

Fire, smoke, a Pogo stick. They have a guitar that generates smog. Why is it out of the question? Man, you remember in 78 when fucking... It generates smog. Yeah, my dad puts crude oil in the fake pickup and he... Whatever. You remember in 78 when Ace Frehley put on sock-em-boppers

by Gene Simmons during fucking Dr. Love? That would be pretty cool, though. That would rip, yeah. That probably happened during a few royalty discussions. With sock-em-boppers. Yeah, yeah. What are sock-em-boppers? You don't know what anything is.

It's more fun than a pillow. You don't know what sock-em-boppers. What are sock and boppers? You don't know what anything is. It's more fun than a pillow. You don't know what sock and boppers are? No. They're the big inflatable things you put on your hands. How bad was your childhood? By the time sock and boppers came out, had you already become untethered from reality? Yeah, I think he was feral around 95. This was a homeschool for a long period.

You didn't have television? No. They were inflatable boxing gloves. They were giant. So the whole concept is you put them on your hands and then just fucking wail on each other because like you couldn't get hurt oh yeah we had them growing up they're awesome it was really yeah it was punch you in the face the board game it was a real weird product my poor mother had to deal with it but i mean the joy of just getting you know clobbering your cousins with sock and bopper yeah fuck it i remember a

buddy of mine uh he had sock and boppers but he only had one set of, like, he only had two. And so, like, if we wanted to fight, we would just put one on each of our hands and have the other hand behind the back so it looked like we were fencing. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's kind of cool. A gentleman's duel. If you wanted to be a real dick, you just reach over and slap him in the dick. We did that at, one of our neighbors had a trampoline, so we got those Hulk hands.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. I was at, like, Toys R Us. We were shopping for, like, a gift from my little cousin. I was probably, like, 14. I was with my dad. Yeah. You know, and, like, he was, like, we saw Hulk hands were, like, on clearance, and I was like, hey, I remember that. I was at Toys R Us. We were shopping for a gift from my little cousin. I was probably 14. I was with my dad. We saw Hulk hands were on clearance. I was like, hey, dad, what do I got to do around the house here if I can just get three sets of Hulk hands? I mean, they're five bucks.

I mean, that's not a lot of money. I don't have any. I'm a kid. But I mean, I would really. We fucking fought each other until the little handles inside came off. It was a shit. I forgot about this story. I forgot about Hulk hands as a fucking fought each other until the little handles inside came off. It was the shit. I forgot about this story. I forgot about Hulk hands as a fucking cultural concept.

Hulk hands rule. Hulk hands were such a cool thing for such a very specific window of time. But I remember one time we were walking through a Target, and I have two little brothers. One was six at the time. One was, like, maybe, like, nine. And the nine-year-old would just beat the six-year-old Scottish who's been on the show before up constantly. And we're at the Target, and I see Topper, the other brother, just put on a Hulk hand, just look at Scottish

and just hit him so hard he went through a rack of Taurus. It was like some Jackie Chan level shit. I became the Hulk. I picked up the power. And nobody cried. Nobody reacted. My mom just goes, fucking okay. And then just went back to spider-monkeying her way

through stealing shit from a Target. And then they go, awesome! Everyone was just like, that was just went back to spider-monkeying her way through stealing shit from a target. Yeah, and then they go, awesome! Yeah, everyone was just like, that was so cool, we can't even be mad. Well, you know, you jump up in the air, and then my neighbor Armando would uppercut dick punch you until you flew off the trampoline into a pile of wood chips. And because you're 13 and your bones aren't done growing, you just bounce back. You're like, wow, I feel fine, let's do it again. Did you ever have Hulk hands tough?

Dude, I only know what Hulk hands are because of Rick and Morty. I did not know they were a toy. Oh, yeah. You didn't even learn from the Hulk? You thought that he just... No, I didn't have... You thought that the Hulk... What if the Hulk had hook hands?

That would be funny. That would be an incredible hook. Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't know it was an actual... Hulk struggle to wipe. That's why he's angry. Yeah, Hulk ass bleed. If Bruce Banner lost his hand, you know,

Would the Hulk grow it back? Would the Hulk grow the hand back? Oh, shit. God make a wall so high he himself could not jump over it. I think you'd give the hand back. Because the whole thing is he's regenerative. Regenerative. Regenerative.

Regenerative. I'm going to be forward until you say this word correctly. He regenerates. back because the whole thing is he's regenerative regenerative but only but regenerative he regenerates there you go regenerative yeah i wasn't a cool kid i was jar jar sorry what you're a jar jar big yeah somehow still in blackface yeah Yeah, yeah, Jarhead Binks. Yeah, I was, I was Jarhead Binks. What is that? Wait, what was the Jar Jar Binks costume? Was it like with a mask and everything or did you like all make it?

It was an Amos and Andy costume but with a burlap robe. It was the mask and then I had really, from the movie The Mask, I'm very confused. Nobody could tell what it was for.

Yeah, I wrote Jar Jar on it. It was a giant Jar Jar Binks like head that I put on and I didn't really have any of the other clothes so I just wore street clothes like I wore you were just casual Jar Jar here's Jar Jar if he was into hockey yeah for like three years in a row yeah you were shitty Jar Jar Binks man that wasn't even cool the one year it would have been kind of cool and it really wasn't cool two years later.

No. You mean, well, that costume was so long it looped around to another shitty Star Wars movie. Well, my mom's argument was like, you already have a costume. Her charge argument. Yeah, her charge argument was. Yeah, yeah. You already had a costume. I'm going to get you another costume.

I'm picturing you in that costume right now, and it just looks like you're on your way to, like, the retard purge. It was, well, there's no rules. I'm getting the applesauce. Even then, some people didn't know what I was. Because it was just... I didn't have the hands. My costume is guy that was really late to the bank robbery. Ah, damn it.

Nixon and Reagan are taken. Even fucking... I would have been Peter Griffin. Fine, I'm Jar Jar. I remember being real bummed because a bunch of Jar Jar Binks. Ladies who gave me candy were like, oh, that's an interesting alien costume. Some people didn't even realize I was

Jar Jar Binks. Yeah, what a bunch of dumb old sluts who didn't know who Jar Jar Binks was. Yeah, so I didn't know what Hulk hands were. You know what you gotta do is just add Hulk hands to the Jar Jar. I just want you to have a whole outfit made of shitty promotional items. Oh, yeah.

From failed, like, films. What is that? He's holding the complete Inspector Gadget McDonald's toy set. Nobody was able to complete the entire Inspector Gadget out of the McDonald's toys. Somehow you get a fucking. It's not in the promotional window. Yeah, you get a Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern ring on the Hulk hands. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You have a Staples That Was Easy button on your chest like Iron Man. You know, that would be fun. Just like shill man. Just like the biggest fad of every year. You're wearing the infinity gauntlet as an athletic cup. Well, that movie did real well. Yeah. And then, you know, you're wearing, you know, fucking Yeezys and parachute pants.

Hey, guys, I'm Nostalgia Man. Remember all these things? I'm getting you a Jar Jar mask. I wanted to be Bane for Halloween. If you did that at a popping party now, you'd be a hit. Everyone would be like, oh my god, have you fucked Irony, discount man?

Yeah, exactly. That actually would play very well. I wanted to be Bane because of that jacket he wears. Wait, you want to be what? You want to be Bane because of that jacket he wears. Wait, you want to be what? You want to be Bane because you already dress like him and you need to make a tinfoil mask? Well, no. I was just like, oh, I could have a Halloween costume and I get a new cool jacket. Tom, I'm going to tell you this right now.

You should not be looking at supervillains and being like, ah, there's my wardrobe. It's a cool jacket. It's a cool jacket if you're taking over Gotham City, not if you're going to fill up your water jug for 30 seconds. Yeah, you know when it's not a cool jacket, when underneath it is just like a stained Doom Tunes T-shirt and a pair of New Balances. That really undercuts the Bane swag.

Here's the part where Tom disputes your goofy shoe claim. Well, yeah, no, mostly what you wear is purple Reeboks that looks like they have been run over by a tractor every day. Well, they were my dad's before they were mine. They were my dad's before they were mine. Yes, for family heirloom, the world's ugliest pair of running shoes. My father didn't get pussy in these shoes. I didn't get pussy in these shoes. And one day I will give them to my grandfather.

I don't know how heirlooms work. He's going to die. Give him the shoes. I didn't get pussy in these shoes. And one day I will give them to my grandfather. I don't know how heirlooms work. He's gonna die. Give him the shoes. The goal of the shoes is to not have to pass them on because they make you incredibly undesirable. I just use those to run. Now I wear the chucks. We know you've upgraded your shoe game, but these ones aren't fun to make fun of.

Or the basketball shoes at your check-in. It's almost like we focus on each other's flaws for the sake of the podcast. Yeah, I'm sorry. Like we're some sort of mean boys. Yeah. Sorry, I'm not cool enough to wear, I don't know, pink pants. You're not cool

enough to wear pink pants, Tom. And I hate that you have to find out like this in front of America. I think Tom could pull off pink pants. Tom could pull off a lot of things. I think I'd look confusing to people. Tom, you already look pretty goddamn good. You're wearing, again, a George W. Bush shirt that is one of three shirts you own. Yeah.

Well, honestly, Tom. It's not a pro-Bush shirt for the listeners. You would look less confusing. It's very pro-Bush. Tom loves George Bush. It says blame Yale. You would look less confusing if you had that Jar Jar Binks mask on. Because then they'd be like, all right, well, this is at least the body type of someone.

Yeah, they'd be like, oh, he's dressed as... He wears a Jar Jar Binks mask in September. Yeah, if you were wearing that shirt and that mask, they'd be like, oh, Tom is dressed as 2002 today. That'd be fun. Maybe that's how I should make my Halloween costumes, just be different years. Yeah, I'd love to see what that is. You with the Rubik's Cube. Yeah, I'm 1953.

I didn't Google it. You go as a caveman. You're like, I'm 2031. Spoiler alert. Yeah, not going great. Does anyone remember how to do agriculture? Yeah, we burned all the books for warmth, and we forgot there were some agriculture books in there. And don't even ask about the Kindles.

The Kindle Igloo was a bad plan. The Kindle. Yeah, yeah. So room service was fun. Fucking Yu-Gi-Oh was fun. Thank you to the listener who sent me Dead Rising. I can play it on my laptop. Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah. They fucking... I don't like to be the guy that's like, just just keep making the same thing, but it's just a bad video game, and they kept making the same bad video game. Right. And now they made it a different bad video game kind of... And I'm like... But just... It was so...

It was perfectly bad already. Yeah, give me the stupid shitty thing I already love. Is this the game I was watching you play? Yeah, the zombie one. Yeah, where you wouldn't believe me when I said to take a photo there, and then you were like, no, I'm like, feed the zombie the bloodiest. This will tell you all you need to know about the mechanical design of the project

is that Tom was helping me solve puzzles. That is how poorly constructed it is. Tom, the fucking portal goss over here. Okay, put your shoe in the fountain, trust me. Which, by the way, now that I have this, we could probably do some streaming stuff, because I do think Tom gets high and tries to play Portal. It's

a trillion dollar idea. Honestly, me getting high and playing any video game. Tom gets high and tries to understand Minesweeper. Yeah. Dude, I beat all the levels of Minesweeper. Tom, nothing has ever been less impressive. I beat all the levels? Wait, what? There's one level. The gray one.

I understand that you mean difficulty level. I was the coolest kid in my graduating class of my sister and brother. Oh, good. Minecraft. Yeah, they used to call me Sunglasses Smiley Face Goss. Yeah, I had the family high score for Polar Bowling, the free HP game that came with desktops in 2006. I'm going to be honest with you, I

didn't understand how Minesweeper worked, like the rules of the game, until I was embarrassingly old, like 24. When I finally was like, oh, the numbers mean that's how many are touching it. I thought it was just a weird, random clicking game. All Minesweeper challenge any of you guys and win. Even when I learned

how to play it. Tight, man. When I learned how Minesweeper worked, I was like, all right, well, I'll try to play this and then I just got bored and I was like,

I could not care less about... Yeah, I was like, oh, wait a minute, you assholes, this is just math.

Yeah, what? I gotta do logic, the game? Yeah, thank you. I think I'm pretty great at it. Yeah.

Here's what's funny is I feel like if we turned Minesweeper on right now and you played, you would lose every game very quickly. I'll fucking do it right now. I'm not doubting that you did it well, but this seems like one of those things where you're going to be hilariously inept at it.

We're not going to play Minesweeper on the goddamn podcast. There's a little bit of it. No, I'm pulling up my jokes. No, I know. I was telling Tom because his eyes lit up. Nothing would make me happier than playing Minesweeper right now. Well, you don't get to because it's time for the Mexican Joke-Off. Hi, so topical.

And I would look good in a Bane jacket. You would. And that's part of the problem. We're trying to build a version of you that is not Bane adjacent. Of the two halves you can lean into, I'm trying to steer you more towards the presentable one and not towards the libertarian villain one. It would be a step up from the velour jacket. Okay, you can wear the... Velour is what Bane wears.

That's Bane's pajamas. You already have... It's nap time for Bane. I think I've said that exact thing about those fucking... Good night mode. ...jacket before. Look, if you guys can do Bane the... Good night, badane, the mouth bane, I could do the clothes bane. That's the rules.

And then I just walk behind you and just talk for you. This is my pitch for Halloween before I look at the other guys. We get a baby monitor that you strap to where your face goes. For Halloween, I wanted to do this before I looked into how much that jacket costs. And I wanted to dress as Bane. It's $8, which you decided was unreasonable. No, it's pretty. Let me just end Tom trick-or-treating.

Dress as Bane. And then I wanted you two to just have your hands up. I was a puppet. And then I would just, like, fucking, you guys would talk for me the entire night. You merely adopted the fun side, three musketeers. Yeah, this plan is all contingent on us being invited to any halloween party which i don't think the odds of are great no no oh we just do it around the house i don't need people yeah you guys want to put on costumes in my room and hang out you watch king that's not something we totally will do yeah yeah no i think

when everyone moves out of this house i want to start a i want to start a a you know because i was talking to these old comedians that did comedy like in the 80s, and they're like, yeah, we just play basketball every Monday or whatever. And we had this basketball game, and people would come and go. We had all these comedians talking about all these people we played with. And I was like, that's so fun. And I was like, we've got to start some kind of, so I think after everyone moves out, I'll start like YouTube Sundays where we just come over and watch YouTube for four hours.

I like that. Yeah, that's my. I love that that's our sport. Yeah, what are we going to do, play basketball? Yeah, we're not doing that, but we'd definitely be like, have you guys seen the one where the guy eats dog poop a different time? And we're like, yeah, show us again. Pretty good.

I love it. All right, guys, I'll take us away this week. God damn it, laptop. Stop. I'll take it away while you're working on that. A new study claims the United States is the 10th most dangerous country in the world for women. When asked for comment, President Trump said, this list is an outrage. America first.

Okay. Oh, boy. Yeah, I wrote these while hosting a show I wasn't doing well on. A man was fined $1.4 million for overharvesting sea cucumbers. A young Clint Eastwood flicked his cigarette and said, It's the cucumbers you don't see that will get you punk. What the flying? You guys don't know that quote?

No. Yeah, no, I don't. What the fuck are you even talking about? What are you getting at here, buddy? Show your work. Explain. There's a quote that's like, It's the punches that don't see that will knock you out. It's the punches that don't see you that will knock you out.

No, that you don't see. You know, you'd never fight a guy with eyes on his fists. That's the number one rule of boxing. Rule number one of boxing, never forget your whole case. Rule number two, don't fight that one character from Ah! Real Monsters. He's got eyes on the back of his hands, kid. He can see around corners.

You'll be devastated. Rule number three, whites only. I'm sure that whatever you're talking about didn't make sense, but it made a little more sense than we thought. What movie is it from? What does this have to do with sea cucumbers in the least? Sea cucumbers don't see? Yeah, yeah.

Oh. Oh, God. I want to make a gif of your reaction. I feel like I just drank like a cough syrup. Like, you know, just panged. That shit gets you high. You just found out a relative you don't like that much died.

You're like, I'm kind of sad, but this is mostly inconvenient. Like, oh my God. Here's the good news. All the jokes are around the same level. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'm like. It's me.

Party time. Connor's kind of going to have to up his Prozac after this fucking show. Oh, yeah. Because I'm just like. Why did I show Why did I Why did I make working with this man A major cornerstone of my Financial life

This joke up has gone from being a piece of comedy To like that tunnel they send Commissioner Gordon through In the killing joke We're just gonna drive you to fucking ruin I know yeah Alright gang a case of rat hepatitis has been found In a Hong Kong man The 56 year old said of his diagnosis,

I knew I shouldn't have started doing heroin with that rat. He got it from rat sharing needles. That's barely not what he did. Some of the jokes are kind of Tommy. See, cucumber? Say, cucumber. Mel Gibson has been tapped to direct a remake of the

Western The Wild Bunch. The Wild Bunch is also what Mel Gibson calls any NBA team. Yeah, man. I really fought between NBA team or Obama's kids. It sucks. I don't think Mel Gibson should be making any more movies, but I do love Mel Gibson movies. Yeah, did you see Hacksaw Ridge?

I didn't see Hacksaw Ridge. Dude, that movie is so weird because it's like the first hour of it, and it's just like the shittiest Spider-man being like well i'll go to the war but i don't want to kill nobody and everyone's like oh this is like a story about christianity and then it is the most violent fucked up just let the bodies hit the floor people are just getting their shit ripped out for two hours straight it's kind of metal we gotta watch get the gringo because that's a film where mel Gibson just, he's like, alright, this is a movie about the world's coolest, most dangerous,

deadly man who gets imprisoned in Mexico. I will be playing the lead role, and it'll be a movie where I befriend and kill many Mexicans. That'll rehabilitate my image. While making just fucking, like,

like, fucking, like, sugar tooth inducing quips the entire time. And it's fucking magnificent. I fucking love it. Tom opens the fridge of jokes and sees he forgot to buy groceries once again. Yep. Well, it looks like Top Ramen. Oh, man, I wish. A man accidentally ran himself over and died at a Jack in the Box drive-thru

when he tried to grab his food and fell out of his car. Jack then appeared and said, I told you my bowls were a lot to handle. Yeah. There you go. That did suck. That guy got out and then left his car and drive and backed over himself. Yeah.

I don't know how, but apparently his car pinned him against a tree, which I don't know. Yeah, I read that story, too, and I went through it like five times. I'm like, but fuck it. What is Well no one's in the Jack in the Box Drive-thru at night

Like sober So I imagine There's probably some I think it was during The day though wasn't it Well yeah People can't drink During the day

That's right It's vampire rules What are you talking about Yeah I mean he might Have been drunk I don't know Or it might have just Been some Final Destination shit

That's what I figured It was just a total Like freak out Cause that happened To that other fucking guy Anton Yelchin The dude from Star Trek. Oh, yeah.

His car... Yeah, he went to get his mail and his car just rolled down a hill and just fucking smashed him. Who's the actor? Anton Yelchin. Oh, I thought that was a Star Trek character. No, he played Chekov in the new one. Yeah.

Yeah. Bill Cosby had a hot dog bun thrown at him on his first day in jail. The attack came at the hands of his cellmate, the guy who thinks that everybody's a pigeon. That's who Bill Cosby's sharing a cell with. He's like, I was trying to feed him! And they're like, how many times do we have to tell you? No matter how much you think they're a pigeon, you've got to stop doing that.

The hot dog, at least throw the hot dog, then it's like, ah, another wiener ruined your life. Like, you know what I mean? He needed the hot dog. He's got to get his, like, fucking prison gains going. He needs the protein. Yeah, yeah. Wait, was it outside the prison yeah wait was it outside the prison or was it in the prison is in the prison i don't know exactly oh that's so funny yeah yeah it was like when he got in there welcome to us bitch thunk i'm shocked that they're not throwing jello at him i don't know if you get jello in

prison i i saw somebody point out like i, I think you do, because the people who cater prisons also cater sideboards. Okay, I don't think they cater prison. Catering just sounds like it's a... Yeah, they've got a chafing dish. Yeah, a bunch of aspiring actors in tuxedos bringing it around on trays.

I did read something, though, that was funny. It was that they found a list of the meal plan for inmates at that prison, and the first meal he eats does have fucking pudding. I guess that's the last pudding joke. I feel like we don't need to do any more because that's pretty funny. Then there will never be no more pudding jokes. I'm not happy about it.

I need him to die just so we can finally purge the Cosby jokes, and then be done with it. So Tom had to move his car. Whose turn was it? It was my turn. We left off on Cosby. Let's pick up on a similar note. A woman has accused soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo of rape. Ronaldo defended himself by pointing out that he is a soccer player, and therefore

gay. Everybody who plays soccer is gay. Go ahead, Tom. Do joke all right here's here's some words whenever keith gets uncomfortable he starts just like doing this weird sing song thing trying to just make it okay i'm just trying to generate any fucking energy yeah that's what you did now i'd mock you for your i know i know joke? No. Joke? A man who has been eating a hotel's continental breakfast called the Breakfast Bandit is on the run from authorities. He was last seen running through Atlanta screaming, oh, no, they're after me, Lucky Charms. So what do you think a song is?

Because you said sing songy, and you just kind of said it like someone who was trying out speaking for the first time. Yeah. A guy that was in the news did a bad crime. There's notes in there. The child got murdered. Should I do the joke again? More singing? You sure should.

Yeah, more singing. A man who's been eating hotels. You're singing notes that have never existed before. How is he doing a J-flat? Here's a new segment for the show. Tom sings the opening songs to musicals he's never seen. Oh, God, I love this. Cats, go.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. All meow, meow, meow Tom, do Sweeney Todd I have hands for scissors I kill This that talks His hands are regular But his scissors Are shaped like a pair of hands Making the rock, paper, scissors

That he has to use They don't really cut very well Venus fly traps me only friend. Les Mis. Les Mis. Okay, so now you're confusing the one where the plane eats people. Edward Scissorhands, which is actually not a musical. No way.

And me, a guy who has never seen Sweeney Todd and only knows the bare minimum about its plot, knows that you have gotten zero details of the actual film. I get how he got Johnny Depp's in the movie, so I think that's where the wire got crossed. Yeah, I nailed it. Do Les Mis. Yo ho, I'm a bad barber.

We are so French. We don't like politics. That's We Are the World. We are so French. Our cheese is stinky. We don't like politics. That's we are the world. We are so French. Our cheese is taking. We don't like to take showers or be nice to people. Here's a bucket. That's like our whole deal.

King has no head. King has no. A Nazi almost became president of our country. Oh, whoops. We are so cultured. Nobody in this room can do a French accent. No. Who is that?

French Albert. Fat Albert. Fat Albert. Oh, so many croissants. Oh, oui, oui, oui. Talk to my friend who wears a mask. No, it's just Taco Monster. Oh, croissant monsterissant Monster Talking to Taco Monster

It's me, Croissant, Croissant, Croissant Croissant The street chef from the Croissant Lagoon Itches my throat Tom's whole body curled up when he coughed Accordion Like a roly-poly bug that felt threatened. Well, unhook that cable from your leg so you don't destroy the recorder with your croissant character convulsion.

You sit in the way of recording this where every part of you looks the least comfortable a man can look while reclining. My shoulder's been hurting. I looked it up, and it's either a strained muscle or lung cancer. It's just weird that you always have the microphone cord just draped across your dick. Tom, why are you looking up symptoms? You know that it's not going to correspond to what's actually going on. That's fair, yeah. Yeah. I mean, if

there's a WebMD, but if you're Tom, it's like, bad gas. Oh, that means there's a chemical fire next to you. He is. Now stomach. Alright, guys. China has announced a 40% jump in the number of its citizens living with HIV AIDS. State scientists are reportedly working around the clock to design a functioning octopus condom to help curb the epidemic. It's unprotected octopus sex.

Squid fucking sons of bitches. The CDC. I don't even think. I think Japan is the one that does that. Oh, man. Same difference. Guess what? I'm racist.

And I couldn't think of anything better. The CDC issued a report saying that STD rates in California have reached a record high. We're thrilled to hear the Mean Boys' horny summer was a rousing success. Spread them AIDS. Yeah. Okay. Kanye. Kanye West.

You guys know Kanye. Yeah, you guys know Kanye. Kanye West. You guys know Kanye. Yeah, you guys know Kanye. Kanye has announced he will now be going by the name Yee. This being out the names Jebediah, Stoltzfuss, and Amish Dude. First of all, it's Yee. Yeah. Boo. Tom, you're deflating.

Kanye hasn't. What is happening here, you're deflating. Kanye hasn't... What is happening here, you guys? The SEC has charged Tesla and Elon Musk with fraud. Elon said in a statement to the press, we're going to try to push this trial back until I perfect my hologram lawyer. I do think he's probably going to do something like this. Just show me where it says I can't have a lawyer. That's a hologram.

Yeah, you cannot prove that the hologram is not a person. Yeah. This might be with Elon Musk. Probably not. That's kind of what he sounds like. I'm having the ballpark. Yeah. Do General Bond villain, and you're 80% of the way there.

A Minnesota funeral home was cited for storing applesauce in their embalming room. In related news, Minnesota has received an award for tastiest corpses in America from Cannibalism Digest. Yeah. Yeah. Tom, you've got to stop doing eyebrow-based comedy on the podcast. I'm not. I wasn't intentionally doing it.

Cannibalism Digest is also what you do if you're a cannibal. Yeah, you digest people meat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What a goofy name for that real magazine. I can't believe they didn't go with something else yeah like quarterly yeah you know uh yeah uh fucking newsweek but for the cannibals the cannibalism reader yeah uh i don't know the new england journal of Cannibalism. There we go. All right, my turn for words.

The NEJC? Really? They want to talk to us? Yeah, I ate some dude named Maxim. Oh, my God. Well, put it in the freezer. There's no time now. An Oxford University student was turned away from her graduation for having her ankle showing.

British Dice Clay states, if she doesn't want to be problematic, she should have taped her tits to her shins. Oh! Tom, what? Tom, even for you, this week has been a lot. Ah, yeah. What is the thrust of what you're getting at there? That her tits hang by her ankles?

Yeah, you know college students and their notoriously saggy breasts. Their tits in England? I don't know. Everyone knows in England your tits sag. Yeah, tit gravity is different in England. You think worst case tit sag scenario is like beltline? Not in England. By the time you turn 22, they'll be sagging out of your

long flaming teacher skirt. And you can see your nips knocking against your socks. Yeah, old nipple kicker Johnson. Here's the deal. Yeah. I knew that was going to be brutal, and I apologize.

You have to do, like, a soccer, like, juggle. That's why they like soccer so much. Yeah, yeah. It helps us keep our tits off the ground. We just have to walk around doing this all day so that they don't get their tits all covered in dirt and grime. Yeah, whenever I come in this bag.

God damn it, I got my tits stuck in gum again. I should just have to sing everything. No, you sure don't. You got to stop even suggesting that. You sing in a tone that is somehow quiet, but also piercing. All right, I can sing or get a bane jacket. You have a devastatingly bad singing voice. That's a bane banjo.

Yes, for the foggy mountain breakdown of the economic system. It will all be free, free to die. Gotham, I am your deliverance. Batman, I challenge you to a duel. Mountain goats are being airlifted out of a national park because they've developed an insatiable thirst for human pee. Jessa Reed is a mountain goat. Whatever, Jessa. Goddamn, that's real fun.

Yeah, no, I guess they just can't stop drinking piss. So they're like, here's what they've been doing. They've been blindfolding them and helicoptering them to another location so like where they're gonna just we're just gonna begin going into like cities and urban areas trying to find pee you know and god help them if they find the outside the window at this house because then they're gonna be like oh i just hit pay dirt so here's my this guy's piss tastes like cotton candy this is a genuine question about this story just let them drink the pee i guess they're like fucking with shit and they're just kind of getting why don't we just take the pee like put them somewhere and then take our pee

make a big animaniacs water tower full of piss yeah what is it like no we the human race need that pee that's our pee like we don't want it well i just don't think it's i don't know if it's sustainable like what if they just all just? Okay, if you opened a petting zoo where for $10 I could come piss in a goat's eager mouth, I would do it just to say I did it. Not very sexual, but the goat's having a good time. I'm having a good time. Yeah, this is really doing wonders for your I'm not into bestiality campaign. I don't care.

I'm trying to... Well, I mean, the novelty of peeing into a goat's mouth. Yeah, you wouldn't pee in a goat's mouth if the goat was, like, pissing my mouth. I love that shit. Like, you wouldn't do it? Probably not, because at that point it would have developed sentience and, you know, human intelligence. Yeah, and then it's super horny. You've peed everywhere else.

Dude, nothing's hornier than a sentient being. Like, it's fucking, you gotta pee in this goat. Well, yeah, not only does it know it's horny, it also knows its limitations. It's literally horny. It's a fucking goat. Why does the pee become sexual? There's a lot of unsexual urine. You really want to get peed on in a...

Nobody's ever been like, yo, homie, can you pee on me? No bear... Loose animals are never like, oh, yeah, piss. Like, they're usually... Well, these aren't loose animals. They're in a contained environment.

We keep the blindfold on them. They love the anonymity of it. That's part of the thrill. And then you piss in that goat's fucking slut throat. It turns out the goats have all been fucking. I forgot that Sean Penn, which is next pitch. Porcupine glory holes in it for that art thing. Oh, Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. There you go. I'm going to pee in a goat. I just don't. I wouldn't. No, no, no. I wouldn't.

I'd feel like, you know, fuck me for trying to make some goats happy. I mean. They love piss. A helicopter had to get involved because they loved piss so much. Think about how many problems there would have to be in your life for you to be like, well, it's time to call a helicopter. Yeah, I've never loved something so much I had to be, a helicopter had to intervene. Yeah, I had to be blindfolded and removed.

Like, I don't love anything as much as these goats love piss. Why were they blindfolded? We're like the Cookie Crisp Wolf. We blindfolded him and dropped him off in the Serengeti because he just couldn't stop murdering children

for their cereal. Just running around screaming at the desert like, God damn it, I want a cookie! Yeah, yeah. Why were they blindfolded?

So they couldn't find their way back to piss town. Yeah. To Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I guess they're worried about these goats looking at the window going like about three acres to the east and 12 clicks yeah they're actually watch out for the landmarks there's a waterfall that's how we know that we're halfway there animals find their way

to like where the thing they like is yeah but their whole deal they don't they have like a whole day to devote to like find that pee yeah but they don't have anything else going on they're not used to aerial views let's write a pixar movie where it's about four goats just trying to find that beautiful river of pee that's been prophesized tom hags in piss goat yeah guys we're gonna get that piss you got a friend in pee yeah one of them i'm gonna drink the pee one of them makes like one of those fucking beer hats, but he's just impaled two guys on his horns, and their piss and blood is just dripping down into his mouth.

They're still alive. He's just like, ah. We're in constant pain. College. It's like it's by a treatment plan or something. Why is there so much loose piss? The campers and stuff, I guess. Yeah, there's piss.

Those campers are probably on drugs. And that's getting the goats high. Yeah. I think it's just pee. Well, I mean, most people that camp now are on drugs. You're either old, boring, or on drugs. Yeah, that's a fair point. Well, then give them drug

piss. I don't know. Do you want goats on acid? They already eat two cans. That affects my life 0%. Nothing about my world gets... If anything, it gets a little better because sometimes I can remember, oh yeah, goats drink pee to get high and that'll be funny to me. Keith stands on

fucking drugs. None. Keith stands on pissing in a goat's mouth. Super pro. Well, yeah. I don't want to do it for me. I want to do it for the goat. Alright, well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after something Super pro. Yeah. I don't want to do it for me. I want to do it for the goat. All right. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back, right after something that's not this. And now, New Yorkers who don't understand death.

Thank you all for gathering here today. We are here, of course, to honor the life of Peter Andrews, a son, a student, a kind and caring young man. I remember the first time I met Peter, I... Boo! Do a different song! Excuse me? I said your song sucks. You sing like a Mongolian. Yeah, I wanted them other Chinas.

No, this isn't a song. We're honoring the life of Peter Andrews. I'm trying to do a eulogy. Greg, you ever hear of a song called Eulogy? Ah, no way. ACDC didn't play no song called Eulogy. Do Beck and Black. Highway to Hell, come on.

Loud noises. With guitars and drums. And loud. We like loud. Ba-boom-a-dee-vroom-vroom-doom. We are mourning a young man's life. Peter Andrews is dead and you are ruining his funeral. Who the fuck is Peter Andrews?

Yeah, sounds like that weird rap from that magic movie where the kid got busted upside the head by that lizard with the stick. Yeah, and then his head hurt whenever he was nearby. Yeah, and like you said, was a chick who didn't want to get dicked down by your husband he wants to murder you kid what the fuck is wrong with your fucking head what a shit movie terrible movie ah the bad guy didn't even have biceps how am i supposed to know you mean business unless your arms look like they're covered in tumors please Please, quiet down, both of you. Now, I'm going to bring up the men who were with Peter when he died, and you two are to show him the utmost respect.

You got respect for my butt, pastor. Good one, you showed that dress wearing queer. That's enough. Now, please show us some respect for these two men, Bob and Greg. Oh, shit, shit Bobby that's us No shit you don't think I don't know that name that was given to me or not Oh you have got to be Hey I'm Bob

Yeah and I'm Greg And we enjoy booze Hey what's in that box Chocolate dummy it's a fucking box It's a casket. The body of Peter Andrews is in there. Oh, shit. Well, you should let him out or something.

Yeah, who is he? Harry fucking Houdini? Fuck Houdini. Yeah, he's not from Brooklyn. Not from fucking Brooklyn. Not from Brooklyn in the slightest. Do you not get it? Your friend Peter is dead. Oh, what a cocksucker.

Oh, he went to Jersey? Only cocksuckers go to Jersey. Yeah, New Jersey ain't Brooklyn. No, he's dead. He died. What in the name of our savior are you two idiots talking about? Yeah, well, when you die, that means you went to Jersey. My mother told me that. Yeah, Greg's mother told me.

That's what death is. Go into Jersey. Yeah, are you calling my mother a liar? If you're calling his mom a liar, we got to pop you upside the fucking head. Upside the fucking grape. Ugh, went to Jersey. What a shame. Funny kid.

Yeah, there was that one time he shit all over the walls with his head because he ate that bullet. Indigestion. Indigestion. I'm bored. I'm going home. I got a lot to do this week. Tuesday, I got to count to H. Me too.

I got to get back to my 97 cousins who were busy saying long Italian words that all just end up meaning spaghetti and meatballs. I'll join you right after I figure out a good slur for Swedes. The nerve of some people being Swedes. No respect. No respect. No respect. Pop them upside the fucking meatball. Upside the

fucking meatball in the head. Amen. That was New Yorkers who don't understand death. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to talk for another 45 minutes about pissing down a goat's hot, eager gull gullet now we are here with a game suggested by somebody in the mean boys subreddit if you guys aren't on the reddit uh jump on there there's always a lot of

weird shit mostly just people posting weird photoshops of tom yeah which i i found the other day i'd spent a couple weeks off the red and i'd peek back and i was like oh this is a lot of photos of me coming across my face and pyramids of my... Yeah, it's pretty funny. I go on, I make sure no one's posting Jordan Peterson videos and being like, yeah, actually, that's some pretty good points. And I'm just like, alright, yeah.

Yeah, we do a quick alt-right sweep. You guys are still good. As long as this hasn't turned into a community of values I do not share that's growing beyond my control as the guy that's centered around. Yeah, I don't want to just not. I don't really care.

I don't want to not look at the red and be like, whoops, we're Hitler now. I didn't realize that was all going on. Yeah, but you guys are actually very cool. Go have fun. And user Sporty666 suggested a game called Kill Count. And what that is, it's a kind of a variation of a game we do called Price Check. But instead of being about which thing is more expensive... It's about the price of human life.

Pretty much, yeah. He was like, all right, pick two things and try and figure out which one killed more people, that kind of situation. So I did some research. I'm just going to, for any pedantic people in there who are going to research, I did my best. Some of these numbers might not be 100% accurate,

but I did more research for this game than I generally do to try and get things as close as possible. By the way, you guys can stop giving me shit for not realizing for the last price check I did that it was a photo of a machine gun. I don't know. I disagree. Give Tom shit about that. I do not know why someone would

buy a $120 photo of a machine gun. So, yeah, that did not occur to me. The, the explanation is that it was at Walmart. Of course you want a framed photo of a gun. That's not even a... The composition of the shot isn't even like...

It's not even like a gun by a sunset. I could have gotten just a good photo on my iPhone. It was not a good picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's start with this one. This is the first one. Which of these killed more people in 2017? Panccreatic cancer or suicide oh oh that's the tom goss oh shit okay well pancreatic can't i well i do think most people you know that would die of pancreatic cancer probably die of some other terrible like poor country disease before that even becomes an issue. Yeah.

That one takes a while to really cook up. So I'm going to guess suicide because, I mean, even that's what the beautiful thing about suicide is. Even the poorest people in the world have access to suicide. Yeah. I also. So Wi-Fi, clean drinking water, things like this, not really. But suicide, I mean, it's pretty cheap. That's true.

These poor people can't afford cancer. No, with no i mean pancreatic cancer you gotta i don't know how you get it but you probably gotta eat something delicious yeah pancreatic cancer in this economy well yeah so i mean honestly i saw an article that they selectively bred fruit to be so sweet they were giving animals cavities so they had to like feed them different shit because they fed them piss to try and get them accustomed to bitterness. Yeah, yeah. Make you a piss and blueberry smoothie. I know a lot of people who have like... Welcome to Roman Polanski presents a sleepover.

Yeah. Man, piss and blueberry smoothie is the best description of you and me just as a human entity. Oh, yeah, just as our general vibe. Yeah. Or are you guys just a real piss and blueberry smoothie? Yeah, a little fruity, a little unpleasant. Yeah, I'm the piss, you're the blueberries.

Tom, he's the glass. He holds it all together. I know that a lot of people who have chronic pancreatitis or pancreatic cancer kill themselves to get out of the pain. So saying that, I've got to assume it's suicide. All right. Pancreatic cancer, 43,090 people. Suicide, 44,965.

Boom. Wow. Yeah, barely beat him. High a highly contested that's actually way more competitive than I thought it would yeah you know I mean the pancreatic cancer put up a good fight but you know well pancreatic suicide has a stronger offensive line or any doing great work for suicide this season

suicide just wanted it less you know yeah well pancreatic yeah fucking I think it's the most lethal or like second most lethal kind of cancer you can get. Yeah, it's a real motherfucker. Yeah, that's what my grandpa died of. I had to take a break from the internet afterwards. All right, second one.

Who killed more people? James Holmes, the guy who shot up the Aurora Theater during The Dark Knight Rises, or the Joker in The Dark Knight? Oh, shit. Oh, interesting. And his henchmen don't count. The henchmen This is direct murders By the Joker Oh shit

Fuck Well that hospital How many people Were in the hospital I will say this For this one I didn't count The hospital was evacuated

It was evacuated Nobody got killed In the hospital Damn So how many people Does a hospital count for Like is that five Does it equal five dudes

You know He didn't kill anybody Property damage I'm gonna say I'm gonna say hospital count for? Like, is that five? Does it equal five dudes? You know, just property damage. I'm going to say it's the real life guy. Yeah, I think so, too. All right, you're going real life guy. James Holmes killed 12 people.

The Joker and the Dark Knight killed 25 people. Wow. I'm trying to remember where he killed. He killed the guy with the pencil. He kills the guy with the pencil. He kills the fake Batman. As much as we talk about the Christopher Nolan Batman universe, I haven't seen the movies in a very long Fuck, he kills like

eight people in the first like ten seconds. Yeah, he kills two of the fake Batmans. He blows up the jail. This is exactly what every woman thinks our podcast is.

It's us in my room talking about Batman and murder. She's like, you guys probably just get all sleepy and lounge about talking about Batman's kill counts. No, there's nuance.

We really put a spin on the joke. That's exactly what we do. All right. What killed more people? Hate crime murders against the LGBT community in 2017 or Jeffrey Dahmer? Ooh, man. It's got... And these are confirmed.

It was a hate crime murder Against somebody Because they were Right LGBT Okay Just in that year Or how many people Did Jeffrey Dahmer kill

Fuck I think he killed I think he killed like 60, 70 Something like that Right I don't know I guess He was the one who

Ate people right Yeah Yeah He ate them He tried to pour acid Into their brains To turn them into Sex zombies

And then found out That's not how anything works. Yeah. He kept having all these dead Filipino boys to deal with. Right. They found a crockpot full of penises in his house. Yeah. Well, I definitely think he's hungrier than the hate crime people.

How do you not call it a crockpot? Even if you're getting arrested and you're Jeffrey Dahmer, you're like, I like to have fun. Yeah, yeah. You got a piece of masking tape and you've written it on in Sharpie. If I had a crockpot full of penises. Like if they caught me, I can't play that off like it's anything but it is so i might as well have some fun with it yeah you're not gonna be like oh i know it's just a weird stew like yeah it's not those are dicks you found the most of the guy in the bathtub well yeah i just like the guy like uh you know like the no one thought to connect the

financial records of the guy who keeps buying like the serrated knives that keep breaking every week and acid and drills murdering all these gay teens. Because it's in Milwaukee, so just a cop just like, ah, hey, Chief, we found, I think, too many dicks at this house. I think something's going on here.

Yeah, we... You know, the first, like, four or five dicks, I was like, ah, you know, everybody's got to have a hobby, but around dick 12... Heck of a whoopsie-daisy here. Hey, what are you going to do?

Yeah, I'm going to say hate crimes. We're going hate crimes. I'm going because it's confirmed it's in America, right? Yes, it's just the U.S. I think a lot of them are unconfirmed hate crimes. I'm going to go Dahmer. Hate crime murders against the LGBT community. 52.

Jeffrey Dahmer victims, 17. Oh. Yeah, his record has gotten built up, I think, in the American consciousness. Yeah. I thought it was way more than it was, too. I mean, 17 is a lot of people to eat. Yeah, I love that we're here like, not enough. I mean, I can't even finish a burrito from Chipotle.

That's only a half a crock pot. No, 17, well, I guess they were all dudes, right? Yeah. Yeah, to fill an entire crock pot, that's a lot of people. No one's talking about the plates that hit our community, right, Phil? Come on. Are you with me, subreddit? M-R-A.

All right, where have more people died, Coachella or on a ride at Disneyland? Oh, fuck. Disneyland, I think. Throughout all of time? I've got to figure Coachella... Yes, throughout all of time and space at the Coachella Music Festival. Yeah, I was thinking more Disneyland. Well, Disneyland's been around longer, and I've got to figure Coachella throws a lot of money at EMTs on site

because teenagers ODing on fucking Meth Molly at their festival is not a good look for them. And I will be clear on this one. This is not everybody who's died at Disneyland. It's people who have died on the rides specifically. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm still – I'm saying Disney. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, I got to say Coachella. Okay. Coachella, two confirmed deaths. Disneyland rides, nine. Oh, wow. I was shocked it was that low for Coachella. I mean, if I'm putting on a music festival, I would just have a shitload of...

Yeah, your thing is just come do cocaine while it's 130 degrees. It's insane that that many people live I bet they do the same thing And bottled water is $1000 And we are not going to be cool about it They probably do the same thing Disneyland does Which is like if someone's dying on the pavement They just take them off the property

And then say they're dead So it's not like on I bet more people have technically died But it's just They fuck with the numbers that way. One of my favorite jokes that ever popped in my head as I was reading something about how much this abortion costs in some news story, and it just seemed like a lot, and I was like,

where'd you get that abortion? The airport? I just laughed about that to my... And it's not something I can... There's no context for which I could purpose that joke. The air portion. I guess I'll just do it here.

All right, fuck. I don't want to drive into town and get in a boy. I'll just, I'm going to get gouged. Well, I mean, I was going to get gouged anyway. Yeah, I went to Wolfgang Puck's Kill a Baby Express. Yeah. I went to Chili's Too Many Babies Inside of Me. I want this baby gone, baby gone, baby gone. I want this baby gone.

Chili is we also kill kids. Give my life back. Business ain't great. Here at CNBC we report today that Chili says announced a new abortion wing of their popular quick serve restaurant franchise. It'll be open in select states starting in March. Also, what? What's going on here?

What is anything? Hey, guys, who was older when they died, Bin Laden or Hitler? Hmm. Bin Laden. Right? Well, he was, okay, so he's a young resistance fighter in, like, the early 90s, late 80s. He died in 2014 or something like that. Hitler was, like, 50-ish. He was early 50s, late 80s. He died in 2014 or something like that. Hitler was like 50-ish.

He was early 50s, I think. I'm going to say Bin Laden's got him by a couple years. Okay. It's kind of what I was thinking, too. But, hmm. I don't know. You know what's weird? Bin Laden definitely looks older.

But Hitler had like, he had a hard first half, and then he had, like, you know. It was on easy street. He had all the, yeah, I mean, he had all the riches of Germany at his hands. He probably was able to, you know, like, afford a haircut and shit. Yeah, and also, you would age pretty rough, too, if you lived in a fucking cave. Yeah. I wonder who had a better life, because Hitler, you know, like, because Hitler, like, he was

like, he had the nicest shit possible for a while, you know, know, but like Bin Laden was pretty much on the run for most of the time. Yeah. You know, and I'm sure they smuggled a fucking Tamagotchis or whatever. They got him all that weird like anime porn and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Hitler was older.

Hitler was older. Hitler was 56 years old. Bin Laden, 54. Oh, damn. Oh, it was gotten by two years. So they were so old. It's, 54. Oh, damn. Oh. It was gotten by two years. I didn't know they were so old. It's all about that German aging. Yeah.

What we're saying is maybe he had a point. All right. Stayed pretty fresh. Last one. All you got to do is drink a meth smoothie every day. Yeah. That's crazy how, yeah, he looked younger. Yeah.

Well, dude, yeah. Every politician that people talk about being super charismatic, like, yeah, JFK was also on a shitload of meth, so he didn't look like he was just fucking in horrible pain. Yeah, Well, dude, yeah. Everyone, every politician that people talk about being super charismatic, like, yeah, JFK was also on a shitload of meth, so he didn't look like he was just fucking. Yeah, he was dope as shit. Horrible pain. Yeah. What was it? It's like.

We had just like chronic Irishitis where everything was fucking falling apart or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like, because Irish people just fucking are built to die. Yeah, yeah. We're like the pugs of human beings. Right. You're telling me we fucking lived on an island and no genetic fuckery.'m too good there's there's i'm not no one fucked anybody's cousin sister or anything every kennedy is just like a cool looking car that's impossible to maintain it's just like

beautiful on the outside but fuck there's like one guy who can fix it in any fucking like state yeah yeah and yeah it's the the fiat of human beings. The people fiat. Like his inauguration speech, he's like sweating, you know, and it's like zero degrees. You're already having a hard time and this is day zero of this job. Yeah, yeah. All right, last one. And I want to give a shout out because I feel like our fans might enjoy this. I got some help on this one from a website called bodycounters.com where they go through every movie made.

They find people. And they tell you whether or not it has an Ice-T Supergroup song in it. Damn, good pull. They count everyone who gets killed on screen. It's like Mr. Skin, but it's only really one film. That was a straight-to-DVD gangster movie. But they also estimate, based on property damage and stuff, how many people must have died. So this is the killed-by-machines round.

Which was more? Civilians killed in drone strikes ordered by Obama, or civilians killed in the battle between the Autobots and the decepticons in the first transformers that's pretty fun it's a murder robot round i haven't seen transformers yeah i don't think i have wait it's the first transformers yeah yeah the uh the shia labeouf first michael so i saw it i don't remember i remember I didn't like it. Yeah, nothing memorable in that movie to stick in your brain. You know, it's not like it's...

Yeah, it's... I love that movie. Yeah, well, it's like if you would see it, like what I like about Tom is like if you had seen, you're like, yeah, I saw A Walk to Remember and I don't really recall a lot of the details. It was kind of just a boring shit, but it's like a movie where it's just bright colors, fights, and explosions with robots. You wouldn't be like, oh yeah, when that

Volkswagen bug, you know, blew up the Pentagon or whatever. Like, you know, there's something that you could remember. Tom could have met a Transformer in real life, and he would vaguely, yeah. I'm not impressed. The Optimal Puma, I think I opened for him in fucking Tucson. I don't know. I'm unimpressed

by just fucking CGI. Yeah, for his clothes, he turned into a Vespa. I didn't dig it. Yeah. I mean, any CGI-based film, and that's the majority of the film, bores me. But I like this question. I'm going to go Drone Strikes. All right. I'm going to go Drone Strikes, too.

It's too funny. Drone Strikes, 1,100. The Transformers, 2019. Aw, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still Drone strikes, 1,100. The Transformers 2019. Still 1,100. That number is widely contested, but I went with one. Something about Obama's foreign policy not universally agreed on by the internet.

The White House was like, yeah, we killed 65 guys. Even PBS was bringing up all these human rights watchdog groups were like, really, though? Yeah. There's like a few like at least 800 dead people. Well, yeah, we only count them as we only count if they can speak English.

All right. You just farted so bad. Oh, did I? Yeah. All right. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after we air out the room and reconvene. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns and it's time to read your questions, hear out

your comments, and play your voicemails in the Mean Boys mailbag. There's a jingle. Angel Escalante writes on Twitter, If someone was ever crazy enough to ask you guys to do a Make-A-Wish, would you guys do it? I mean, a million percent. Like, I get to make the wish or I am the wish? Like, the wish would be like, I want to meet the Mean Boys.

It's me, a dying child. I would fly out to see a dying adult. I mean, I would just be sad. Not only are you dying, but your big pie in the sky dream is meet Keith and Connor and Tom. Yeah, if you have a bad flu and you want to hang out, I'll come bring you soup. I have a pretty low barrier for entry. Yeah, I mean, here's the deal. If you break your arm, I'll Skype you.

All right? If you break your arm and you come near me, I'll sign your cast. Yeah, yeah. That's where I'm at. I would absolutely do a makeover. I would absolutely. Yeah, I mean, here's the deal. If you break your arm, I'll Skype you. All right? If you break your arm and you come near me, I'll sign your cast. Yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. I would absolutely do a makeover. I would absolutely, yeah, yeah. No, maybe one where we pretend. Imagine being the parent who had to be like, yeah, my kid fucking, he's dying, and also he's super weird, and I don't know what you guys do, but just come.

Yeah, we just figured he's going to die soon, so we just let him go on whatever websites he wants. Yeah, come do a, what is it? Carlos the Blood Fucker, it? Carlos the Bloodfucker or whatever. Carlos the Bloodfucker? Orale, fucker, this be Carlos the Bloodfeaster. The Bloodfucker. No, he rapes rival games

with dominance. Like, this is my neighborhood. I control Crenshaw. Yeah. Where you from, car? No, here's the ultimate Mean Boys Make-A-Wish experience. We dress you up like Bane and get the entire city to pretend that you're Bane. And then I get the costume afterwards.

And then a more sympathetic sick child comes and beats the shit out of you. Yeah, and Tom's going to be like, wait, so is cancer contagious? Because I don't really want to wash this. I got a date tonight and I was hoping to go looking like Bane. I'm off chance that she's like one of them weird comic book broads. You're trying to rush the kid into dying so you can get

your jacket back? You're like, well, I mean, at a certain point do you want to go for comfort or do you just want to go out

while you still feel good? And I mean, do you want your last days to be breathing through a tube or do you want me to have the jacket tomorrow? I mean,

you gotta prioritize here. What if you put the mask on and it's like you're breathing through a bunch of tubes but not really? Can we start planning now for a Mean Boys Mother's Day spectacular? All three moms, all three of the

boys, you can call it Boiler Womb or Womb Mates or a Womb with a View. Thanks for those bad name suggestions. Everyone. Each one less punny and good than the last. Yeah, A for effort, D minus for results.

We've discussed doing an all three moms crossover event. But I think the thing has been that Tom is concerned about how his mother would fare. Yeah, I don't think my mom would do very well on the show. I think my dad would. Yeah, I think, I don't know. There is something funny about us doing a Mother's Day show and you inexplicably bringing your father. I don't know if my mom would be into it.

Yeah. I mean, we talk about it. Your mom listens to the show't know if my mom would be into it. Yeah. I mean, we talk about it. Your mom listens to the show, though, right? She listens every week. Yeah, yeah. I love my mom. She's the best. But I don't know.

She's just not like a... Keith's mom is definitely probably more of a ham. I think she'll kind of click into it. My mom barely understands what this is. We really did kind of weaponize the threat of speaking to her on air before I ran it by her. Thankfully, she's cool about it. No, yeah.

I thought you talked to her about it. Oh, we had already made the goal before I ran it by her. Thankfully, she's cool about it. No, yeah, I thought you talked to her about it. Oh, we had already made the goal before I ran it by her. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was going to make her do it either way, but she's into it. Well, she owes you more than a couple. Yeah, exactly. I'll cash in some chips here.

My mom got someone at her work to teach her how to operate a podcast, listen to five minutes of the show, with a man who has a master's in Christian studies that she works with. How'd that work out? Well, they listened to like three to five minutes. That's not even the intro. I know. They got through a Jack of the Box ad.

We don't like these bowls. That's in poor taste. By the time we'd plugged the iTunes review goal, they had already decided it was too distasteful. Why has Connor not responded to my Yu-Gi-Oh challenge, Duel Me? By the time we'd plugged the iTunes review goal, they had already decided it was too distasteful. Yeah. Why has Connor not responded to my Yu-Gi-Oh challenge, Duel Me? I didn't see it.

I will absolutely duel you. I found that whatever emulator I use to play 2011 rules with my boys, I'll fucking, yeah, whatever. We've got to play with a ban list that's cards I know because I'm not learning how link monsters work. But I will duel you. And that goes to anybody out there in the Mean Boys universe. If you want to duel me on some, like, first Obama term, like, fucking Yu-Gi-Oh shit, I will absolutely do it.

I would love that. I really like that. Adam Bauer on Facebook asked, what's your guys' favorite music genres that you listen to on the regular? What do you listen to right now, Tom? Because you were listening to the Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails every day for six months, which was concerning. Because you also tom because you were uh listening to the downward spiral by nine inch nails every day for six months which was concerning because you also

seemed like you were doing better as a person while listening to the most frightening thing pod oh my god tom's gonna hurt someone yeah me no i uh uh i still listen to that album once or twice a week it's a great album but no i would listen to a lot of like uh it's been a mixture between like rap and like cake and modest mouse right now okay all right uh keith what about you uh the same old the shitty gay lord pop punk that you guys hate okay cool but i got really into apparently this is lame joan jett covered the mary tyler moore theme song oh yeah it's really good and it's annoying how much I like it. Yeah, I saw that on Twitter or something. Yeah. I've been listening to a lot of Big L, Lifestyles of the Poor and Dangerous.

Oh, Big L's good. He's the most evil man that was ever great at rapping. Just like, yeah, I'll kill your mom. I'm legitimately a bad guy. Yeah, this is not an act. I'm a guy who hurts you. They made me put a hook on one of my songs so more people would like me, but then the rest of them are just about murdering people.

Keith also just got me into Eels. Oh, yeah. I enjoyed that, dude. He's in a lot of Shrek music. Does Connor fuck with the SCP Foundation? And if so, which is his favorite? I don't even know what that is. You down with SCP?

Do you know what that is? No. Southern corporate people. Do we dare Google it? Yeah. All right. I'll Google it. Sweet coalition of piss goats.

Is it a fictional organization documented in the web-based collect... It's... These... Is... I don't even... This sounds fucking boring as hell. I don't even know.

Yeah, fuck all of this. Yeah, it's too many words is what it is. Yeah. It's a fictional organization. Is it a Yu-Gi-Oh! thing? No. No. And if it was a Yu-Gi-Oh! thing, I'd know what it was. I didn't know if it was like a late a Yu-Gi-Oh thing? No, and if it was a Yu-Gi-Oh thing

I'd know what it was I didn't know if it was a late era Yu-Gi-Oh Even then, I go see what's going on Just so I can be mad about it Alright, well that's the mailbag We'll check out some voicemails Alright guys, so if you want to leave us a voicemail Do it at 304-805-6326

Let's hear what they've got for us this week it's harrison jr here calling from brisbane australia i just wanted to let you guys know that i have just finished printing out the very first prototype of the semi-official meanopoly it's gonna be shipped out to you guys tomorrow. I hope you really enjoy it. I've had a lot of fun putting it together. Fuck everything. God is dead. Cheers, guys. That was the voice I wanted to talk about. Hello, it's me. Fucking Monopoly Dundee.

Hello, it's me, a character in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon that drives a big wacky car and tries to steal women. Welcome back to Lifestyles of the Poor and Insignificant. Yeah. I'm boomerangs. I'm a guy in a Monty Python sketch

you forgot about. I'm here to tell you that I made a board game based on your apps. I'll send it to you. I dropped it off with me local postie, which I think is what they call

mail carriers in England. That sounds right. Nobody can... Yeah, England, Australia. No, I'm fucking excited about that because it's frighteningly detailed and accurate. And can... Yeah, England, Australia. No, I'm fucking excited about that because it's frighteningly detailed and accurate. And what's hilarious too

is we keep getting emails from customs like... Oh, yeah. Well, he said... I mean, some of your customs are like, hey, what's all this about blood feasting then?

Yeah, yeah. It says your parcel is shipped and I'm like, stop calling them parcels, you fucking nerds. It's not a parcel. It's a sack. Parcels is a brown paper twine wrapping of cookies that your aunt sends you in the 1920s.

Yeah, you get a parcel if you're at Hogwarts. Like, you get a fucking duffel bag full of loose memorabilia. It's America. We call it a package because we like as many things in our common vernacular as possible to be synonyms for penises. USA. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm talking about that. We'll play that on a bonus episode.

We'll print it. And I want to see if we can mass produce those and ship them as a Patreon thing because it's fucking rad. I love it. Oh, me too. So thank you, Harrison J. out in Brisbane. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Your country sounds weird. I'm trying to reach you concerning your car's extended warranty. You should have received something in your mail about your car's extended warranty. Since we've not gotten a response, we are giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file.

Press 2. Oh, is he legitimately just going to do the whole thing? Put on our Do Not Call List. I love this. Speciality. That was great was great that was good bit i can't believe no one's done that yeah i didn't see that coming i saw the predictive text and it looked and i said hey it's like hey y'all and i'm like well that's not the rest of it was like word for word what they say yeah all right what do we got here point boys like to give a long distant shout out to victor tuesday the man who ran me over with his car in the late 90s. He was nice enough to drive me home and give my mom an obvious fake name.

Keep on trucking, Victor. Wow, that's so... What the fucking shit, dude? Whoa, so you got ran over, and the guy was like, all right, the least I can do is give you a ride home. Victor Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. What an insane... So he's like is give you a ride home. Victor Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. What an insane.

So he's like, I need a quick name. What day is it? And who's the guy that molested me as a boy? Victor Tuesday sounds like a TGI Friday's chain for vampires. That sounds like a really bad. Welcome to Victor Tuesday. They also have an abortion thing. Whatever season of Desperate Housewives was the worst, the bad guy that moved in was named Victor Tuesday.

That's like if they have a big whiteboard of first draft names for Bond villains. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's out of Victor Tuesday. But what about Victor Vaughn Tuesday? Is that better? It's better and worse. Yeah, yeah. One of those.

We're circling. We like Victor. The day of the week, we could change. Yeah, Victor. What about Smirnoff Thursday? That's already the girl's name. Yeah, it just sounds like a bar promotion. Yeah, well, dude, fucking, if you're out there, Victor,

salute for getting away with that one. You really, you figured this shit out. Hey, Mean Boys, it's Hyatt. Or Jew Hyatt, apparently, in South Florida. Can't fucking wait for your Orlando show. Just want to say that I fucking love you guys, what you guys do, who you are, everything. Things I want to enjoy to my heart

and what other people keep doing it. Anywho, what was your first jerk-off session like? Bye-bye. I didn't hear any of that. What was your first? I said some weird Jewish shit, talked about Florida, and then said, what was your first jerk-off session? Yeah, I said, you know, I love the show, blah, blah, blah.

I can't wait to see you guys. What was the first time you jacked off? I think I've covered it pretty extensively, but I was laying face down on the love seat in my living room while I was watching Comedy Central late at night, and a Girls Gone Wild commercial came on. I popped a boner. Serendipitously found its way between the couch cushions.

Instinct took over. I fucked my couch and came immediately and then just paced around my kitchen going, what have I done? Do I still get to go to heaven? What is this? I didn't know what I did. And I was just like, wow.

I thought I'd discovered. My baby's going to be a futon. I just thought I invented the coolest thing ever. I was like, whoa. Does everybody else know about this? Do I tell my friends? Do I keep it to myself? They'll be after my powers.

I remember legitimately thinking, why does anyone do anything else? Like, how does the world economy function if this is right there? Yeah, I now have no more hobbies. You could just fuck a couch and feel the best you could possibly feel, you know? Yeah, mine was, yeah, I had taken a bunch of, like, dry runs at jerking it, but I wasn't able to come yet. But then the one time I finally got it to happen, I was looking at this like catalog of like just surfwear. So it was just like a picture of like a girl in a bikini, like for a hurly thing, like

a sexy one. Yeah. And I finally made it work. And I was just like, I did it. Yeah. Yeah. My buddy was like in the living room. I made it happen, dude.

Did you produce jism or no? I produced a small amount of jism. Yeah. Yeah. The first time I actually produced jism, I was fucking my grandma's pillow. And then I came all over the pillow and I had to like try to clean it up jism, yeah. Yeah, the first time I actually produced jism, I was fucking my grandma's pillow, and then I came all over the pillow, and I had to, like, try to clean it up. Oh, shit.

Calling it jism is so bad. And no kid is good at cleaning anything, so I was just like, ah, fuck, I should have listened to all that shit my mom said about vinegar. Like, I don't know what to do here. Yeah, I think the first time I produced cum was in the shower.

No, that's a good place to do it. It was in the shower. Yeah, that's perfect. That's genius. I mean, I've been jerking off for a while. That was the first time you got the load out. Yeah, and I remember that at first I was like,

oh, this shit is real? For some reason I thought, sex could be just one of those weird... Like a myth, yeah. Like Santa Claus. Like, ah, you lied about Santa, you lied about the Tooth Fairy, you lied about boning. Yeah, you lied about Santa. You lied about the Tooth Fairy. You lied about boning.

Yeah, you lied about cumming. It was all a myth. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's jism. Sex really is middle school Santa. Where you're like, you don't know if it's real or not. I didn't know how to cum without just fucking couch-like objects for a while.

That explains why you like fat girls. I guess, yeah. No, and I bought this foot massager from a garage sale and i put it underneath a pillow so i could like make a vibrating fuck doll that's upsettingly like brilliant yeah like this weird like fucking joe dirt sex toy i fucking invented you can use that if you're talking to a girl but you're like no i will build well at 12 i don't think i built a carnival robot i didn't have a lot of real life penetration options available to me that's a fair point it's just funny that your brain went to engineering yeah so it's like all right here's the pitch guys i live 10 miles away from everyone else in the school district because i got an inter-district transfer

when i was a kid because my parents wanted me to go to a better elementary school they've already hung the phone up i will need a ride to come fuck you poorly. All right? Now, here's the second thing. Nobody in our community likes me or knows what my whole deal is. I also dress strange, have a lot of hair gel, and horrifying acne. So you're going to be so sticky by the time I'm done disappointing you. When it starts, you're going to be sticky. Yeah. And I'm also going to need a ride home.

So if we can figure something out here, ladies, I think... My curfew is eight. I would honor... Yeah, I'd be honored to be the. Yeah. And I'm also going to need a ride home. So if we can figure something out here, ladies, I think... My curfew is eight. I would honor... Yeah, I'd be honored to be the first guy. Also, my parents are very strict, and they're pretty wary of me having unprotected 12-year-old sex. So it's going to be a real heist if we can pull it off. All right.

One more voicemail. All right. You're a big fan of the podcast uh my question is how come connor that pleb hasn't responded that's my tweet on dueling anyway you guys are awesome thanks you'll get your fight you cocksucker much much like how eminem said i didn't hear about this shit until years later because i was too big to have it on my radar. I'm not exactly, as the Colony High School 2011 regional dual champion, I really have no need to just take on all comers. I've already solidified my legacy.

But you've talked enough shit, and I think it's time to get... I'm rooting for this guy. I think it's time you fucking learned your place. So I will communicate with you. We'll discuss a ban list to play off of. And Luis Gomez, if you're listening, that's how you accept a challenge like a man. Yeah. And I'm rusty.

I certainly am. I haven't been playing except for yesterday. In years, I haven't played. So bring it on, bitch. We're going to make this a thing. I want you to fuck this dude up. I'm going to choke fuck you with myst I want you to fuck this dude up. Go and choke fuck you with Mystic Sass or whatever the cards are.

Here's your make a wish. Come duel Connor and then lose and die. Yeah. When it comes down to it, we're playing with the old school, like the shit I know. I am very, very good at Yu-Gi-Oh. All right. I'm really good at it. Yeah. Okay.

Like I'm full confidence. We got to put some kind of, we're doing something with this. Yeah. Okay? Like, I'm full confidence in my abilities. We got to put some kind of... We're doing something with this. Yeah, I think you can record duels. So I'll at least put it up on YouTube if anybody on Earth gives a shit. But, yeah, if I brick a hand, maybe I'll lose. But if I play a match and I get side deck, I'll take you the fuck down. Oh, shit.

Shot's fired. Have fun, bitch. All right? It's time to duel. It's time to did it, did it, did it, suck my did it, did it, did it, did it. All right? That's the show this week. What do we have did it, did it, did it, suck my did it, did it, did it, did it. That's the show this week. What do we have to plug, gentlemen?

What do we have to plug? October 5th and 6th, me and Tommy Goss are coming to Miami, Oklahoma. We are going to be at the Looney Saloon. Four shows. Follow us on the Facebook and the Twitter. We'll be putting out the ticket links for that very, very soon. October 14th. Hopefully reuniting with Moon. Indeed.

October 14th and 15th, I will be headlining at Laughs in Tucson, Arizona. Please come out to those shows. I'm real excited to meet you guys. October 21st and 22nd, I will be at the Madhouse in San Diego. And if you are in the Los Angeles area, that was October 12th and 13th that I'm at Laughs. And then the 26th and 27th that I'm in San Diego and if you're in LA October 18th I will be at big money at the Virgil's come on out to that

that's a fun little fucking show yeah I have yeah 5th and 6th come to that and then my other shows I've done this for 60 episodes at least once have you done it correctly the cities so I have to post about those on social media.

Tom, you fucking... You have a built-in platform to communicate to several thousand people where you're going to be. I'm at Phantom Ales, but I don't know where it is. You fucking goon. All right, well, everyone... Tom doesn't give plugs. He gives clues. All right?

I'm going to try to solve... Tom is the clues Alright I'm gonna try to solve Tom is the Carmen I'm not gonna plug something wrong And as soon as you find out Make sure you tell him Cause he doesn't totally know himself Yeah Tom is like the Carmen Sandiego

Of like finding a A weird dude Having a pretty good set At a pretty bad show Like that's Yeah Alright Where in the world

Is Tom doing fine I guess Alright That's the show Thanks everybody Fuck everything God is dead Is Tom doing fine? I guess. All right. That's the show. Thanks, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead.