Mean Boys - EP 158 - Knife College

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

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Hey everybody, welcome to a very contentious episode of Mean Boys. Yeah, we're pretentious. Yeah, we're in... You got it. We're in a... of uh... curvy, I don't know. Yeah, we're polenta. In mentions. This is a... this is a fucking insane episode.

Yeah, yeah, everyone... look, we're tired and uh... I've uh... you know, I just... Connor worked for like 12 hours today, me and Tom flew in from Oklahoma, and this is what happened. I had a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches, and I don't feel... Oh, man, we didn't even talk about that in the episode! We sure did, it's so... Hang on, let me explain what happened. I had a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh, man. We didn't even talk about that the other day. Hang on. Let me explain what happened. We were in fucking Oklahoma, and they gave you a $50 food card to use over the two days at this casino.

We went to one meal, and we still had $30 left. Tom just went to the snack bar and was like, I'm going to buy all the food I can. I'm like, okay. He's going to get himself a nice big dinner. I look over, and I realize he has gotten how many was it nine grilled cheese sandwiches no i got two orders of chicken tenders and five grilled cheese sandwiches yes the oklahoma speedball they bring it out to him just stacked into fucking like a lug oh yeah i saw that it looked like you were doing a postmates

order it was a guy from the end of the 420 Python movie. Did you eat all of that? I ate most of it. Jesus Christ. No wonder you feel like shit. Yeah, I feel. You ate a cinder block made of microwave. And I've been eating so healthy and exercising and all this shit.

And then I got high was the problem. I got high after that. I was going to not eat a dozen sandwiches. Wasn't going to eat a serve board of cheese and then most of a dozen sandwiches. Wasn't gonna eat a serve board of cheese and then most of a fucking chicken. Could have eaten a moderate amount of chicken, but that seemed low. Because I was high. Tom ate some food.

It was too much. Then I pooped on an airplane. Oh, if you want to hear more Mean Boys gems like that, just give us your money already. How close are we to Snark Week right now? What? How close are we to Snark Week? Oh, we're like $65 away.

Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. $5 a month gets you access to an hour of new bonus content every week. A little extra Mean Boys action. $10 a month gets you that, an hour of new bonus content every week. A little extra Mean Boys action. $10 a month gets you that, plus a piece of merch in the mail. We'll be announcing this month's merch very soon. If you want to go butt nasty, and somebody just did this, $100 a month, you can be on this fucking show. Plus, you'll get every piece of merch we have. He's also in my fantasy hockey league.

Yeah, we will love you forever, and it'll get us closer to Snark Week 2, where we do 14 episodes in 7 days. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Keith. This is all good information we've got to get out in the intro of the show, but Blitter Birdie just told me somebody's got a fantasy hockey league. Yeah, that was me. I was the bird. This would be where you would say what you want people to do. Tom, I desperately want to not be recording this show anymore. Do your thing.

It's already said. There's nothing. Well, you're not invited, everybody. Leave us a review on iTunes. Follow me on social media to find out about future fantasy opportunities. And flat tongue. Ed Gossett. The hockey season already started. Follow me.

I'll live tweet whale watching and periodically post ideas that go nowhere. At GusGus6. Yeah. All right. This guy writes, no longer politically toxic. Five stars. I'd say reviewing this alone could have derailed my burgeoning political career, but since that no longer matters or no longer seems to be the case, here goes.

Wow. Biting political commentary. He's a politician? I'm the liar-in-chief President Donald Trump. What? That's a politician? I guess. I don't know. Maybe it's one of Ramsey's old fucking OC friends. But yeah, thanks for leaving that review. I was going to read another one, but I

looked at the wrong one. I already started reading. What was the other one? We still appreciate you, politician. These episodes have been obnoxious. I can't wait to hear Keith's Mega Mom on an upcoming episode. Love you guys.

And I was going to segue into the fact that we are fucking drumroll 14 reviews away. Shit. Do you like how I just lost all joy for some reason? I know.

You were high energy. Yeah, I know. Yeah, so fucking T.J. Miller, friends with my mom. Yeah, so 14 away. We will go to Fresno, basically Mordor, and we will interview Keith's mom. Pretty much.

The Scannard. Basically, if Charles Manson had a pussy instead of a music career. And we will talk to this woman for at least an hour. And I'm not going to not say the things that you want her take about. All right? I'm going to ask her to marry me. I'm going in there. I'm preparing for this shit like it's a fucking presidential debate.

Do you understand? Okay? I'm so pumped. I want to become Keith's stepdad. I'll be nice about it. You're not going to fuck my mom, dude. I'm not. I just want to marry her.

Well, yeah, then you'd be his uncle. That's how it works. Yeah. Double kids call back to a call back. That's a call forward. Yeah. Damn. Where back to a call back that's a call forward. Yeah. Damn. Where else?

Doctor Who shit, fam? Oh, I just got that reference in the episode. Oh, yeah. What are we talking about? The podcast. Thanks. Fucking Reddit.

You can go in there. Our mean boys talk about stuff. Discord channel. It's like Reddit, but it's not. And you guys seem to dig that. It's a chat room

for your buddies. Go in there. Talk to people. Yeah. Enjoy it with your face. Let's get this business out of your buddies. Go in there. Talk to people. Yeah. Enjoy it with your face. Let's get this business out of the way. We've got to split quick, kids.

Yeah, that's it. What else is that a plug? You've just got to enjoy the show at this point. Follow us on Twitter. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Instagram. Everything's at Mean Boys Podcast. Go to MeanBoysPodcast.com. Another thing to do real quick before you forget is subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Every single episode available on YouTube for the low, low price of $0 today. No money, champ! Okay, what else? Man, this podcast... When I say this podcast, I mean me. I think that's it. Thanks to you. Get tickets to Halloween, October 28th.

Yep. Featuring, we just booked, our first guest, Barack Obama. Yeah. The 28th Featuring, we just booked our first guest Barack Obama The 28th at the Barack Obama The original Fudge Lord Echoes on Pico, right? Yeah, Echoes on Pico Do you guys think the original Fudge Lord

Track suit we had custom made for Mr. Obama Is going to go over as well as I hope it is? I'm going to be honest with you, I'm conflicted Get me out of. I'm going to be honest with you, I'm conflicted. Get me out of here. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Grab your tickets to that, though. That's going to be a fucking fun show. Other than that, sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's

straight up. Grab your tickets. Grab your dicks, guys. Oh, and wait for the Steve Harwell indicator. You'll know what I'm talking about. Look into the skies of Gotham, and when you see a picture of what looks like Guy Fieri It's the time to strike Listen to the Mean Boys Podcast. My dick is harder than the woodshop final at Mustache Harvard.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Koss. And I'm... Kiggity Keith, man. Groove-a-lish. You wanna bang out a sandwich run after the... Okay. Chosky.

My broski. I don't know how this became the impression of me. Because you say these things every sentence of your fucking life. No, I don't say them every sentence. Because it sounds exactly like you. How did this perfect impression of me become the impression? That's what it is. That's what it keeps saying.

It's great. And I'll make it accurate. How did the encapsulation of my essence and then again, you're using false key swag to try to discredit this very accurate impregnated impression. You son of a biggity bitch. I'm not being a figgity faggot. You're using

all of your cheat codes, alright? You pretend that you're smarter than me. You've been on one breath since you turned the fucking machine on. You pretend to know more than me by just being confident and collected. Yeah, it's worked forever. Didn't work just now. And then the second time, you try to pull gay card to try to make me feel like I'm not

woke enough to make fun of your agony ass attitude. How is that gay card? I just called you a fag. Yeah, because you know I can't say that hilarious word. It's not fair. I don't care. I know you don't care, but to the people listening at home. Yeah.

Well, if everybody's doing it. Everyone turns on me. You can't say faggy, you dumb kook. Shut up. We know where this bit ends, and it's nowhere good. It ends with another use of the iggity, but it's in a way a less fun one.

It ends with, now we're just cum town. Oh, no. No. I'd take that faggot back. We thought this subreddit was bad before. Yikes. You turned into Shaggy. Oh, G Scoop.

We got to do the podcast. Ben Shapiro video zoinks. I'm so tired. Yeah, everybody's had a wiggity wacky week. It's been wiggity wacky, man. It's been up and diggity down. Okay, are we going to explain to them how this started? Okay, yeah. So, Keith, we're getting ready to set up the studio.

I said I got to get a chiggity chair. Yeah, and I said, when you go out, make sure, don't just go into the chairs, make sure you go into the chickity chairs. And I was just being goofy. And then Keith, being the sensitive lesbian that he is, was like, whoa, man, I'm just trying to have some figgy fun, man. That's not what happened. I'm just chickity chilling.

All right. All right. Court's in order. All right. Keith, your version of the story. I'm not actually... Judge Tom. Gavel. Bang. This is my favorite Connor bit.

Where he finds something amusing to him and he's like, man, you were so upset. Look how mad you were. You're furious. A lot of it's jealousy, which is well placed. Where was the evidence for the jealousy? I just naturally say things in a dumb way and of it's jealousy, which is well-placed. Where was the evidence for the jealousy? I just naturally say things in a dumb way,

and now it's like I'm super self-conscious. I get to physically stickity-style myself. Seriously, don't do that, because I love you, and I love the way you talk. I could not be... Yeah, no, you're fine. That would be wiggity-whack if you did that, Pud. You know, I'm just trying to be my authentic,

stickity-self. Not all of them work. They are under every word. Eggity. What? Chickity China, the Chinese. Wiggity word. Wiggity, wiggity word. Tom, what are you doing over there?

I was having a conversation. I was having a conversation. I looked up and you were singing a song to yourself like an insane person in the back down at the beginning of Amadeus where you're just in a cage full of hay. You were trying to summon some sort of fat demon. I was trying to remember the lyrics to- Do you get a jiggery jorno? Come jiggery forth.

Fuck, what's that song? Riggity rectus, jiggery dominoes. The jiggery china, the jiggery chicken. You have a drumstick and your brain starts ticking. You guys find what it's on. Here's what happens with these sing-alongs. You try to stop them and then they just sing along harder to spite you. Oh, One Week is the name of the song.

It's called One Week. One week since Tom was fat and gay. He was fat and gay for that entire week. Now he's a little less fat. I was just trying to get to keep the balance. He's matched the skiggity scales cause he's fat and he's also gay.

Sometimes fatter and sometimes gayer but it's never going away. It's been one week since Keith was by. You fucking cheater. Whatever. Dude, I gotta get out of life for fucking 30 seconds or someone called me fat.

I like the idea of a nutritionist being like, well, we've measured your body fat with the normal calipers. Now let's check your gay levels. Do these have a big glittery pair? No, they just have a big asshole. And you say, how do you want to fuck it? And you go, this much. And they're like, that's the gay chart.

That's how you discover. That's the metric, the units. Well, we're just inches advanced. On the BMI, the butt munch index. All right. That's the natural wingspan of your arms. It looks like you're at about a 69.9%. That's the gayest you can possibly be, Adam.

I thought this gay level would kill a man. He's gone super liberace. I dare say he's thriving. Did you guys know one week was in the Digimon movie? Why do you know that? I saw the Digimon movie. When did you see it?

I closed my eyes and it happened in my head. Tom just dreams the Digimon movie. I either saw the Digimon movie or had a nightmare while an ad was playing on YouTube. Tom's dreams are just a VHS player with one tape stuck in them and it's the Digimon movie or had a nightmare while an ad was playing on YouTube. Tom's dreams are just a VHS player with one tape stuck in them and it's the Digimon movie. So every time he dreams, he's just like, oh yeah, here's the

song where Agumon does a dance to K-pop. I gotta be honest, I didn't like Digimon as a kid, but I saw One Week was in the trailer and I was like, I gotta see that movie. So when I was a kid, I remember begging my parents to see that fucking movie i might have thought it was pokemon cash in for the you thought it was these are inferior mon yeah yeah sometimes

i it's you know you get used to it but it is worth remarking on every once in a while just what exactly is tom's accent i mean because i can... Sometimes you say things and I'm like, what happened to this man? Every word you've ever said. Every single thought you've ever expressed using your mouth sounds weird. Well, what's the most recent one? What's the most recent one? It's that one.

I feel like I just said words. I feel like I just said words. I said words. That was some kind of hobo dum-dum Ringo. Dingo. In an octopus's garden in the shade. Yeah, I wrote the tune. We were having a bit of a tiffle as a band.

Yes. And then the podcast. I thought about, what about an octopus? Where would they hang out? You know what I just realized? I think I'd be interested in hearing more about it. We've been talking about nothing for seven minutes, and we actually have done nothing but shit we could talk about for once.

It's a podcast about nothing. What? No way. We can't all be Seinfeld. It's too many Seinfelds. The N-word. That's Seinfeld doing his Kramer impression. That's the new Jamar button.

The N-word. Bring it. Yeah. Bring it. The More You Know. Brought to you by Mean Boys. The N-word. I'm really just Kramer for thoughts.

Just like barging in. Yeah, you do break open every door and you're like, what if porcupines are just figuring it out quicker than us? You're like, what? I thought of something on the pad. I don't know. Just tell me. I'm not thought of something on the pad. I don't know. Just tell me. I'm not going to make fun of you.

I wouldn't make fun of you. No, what kind of asshole? I wouldn't mock you. All right. My friend, business partner, and immediate roommate. By which I mean the closest to which you could possibly be roommates with another human being. I would never openly mock you to your face. No way would we do that for, what, going on 80 episodes?

No way would we do that for a living. So I farted on the patio. And that started this story A+. And I heard the fart and it went on for too long for a fart to go. Yeah. It was like when you're watching that last Lord of the Rings

and you're like, it's gotta be over it was the funny people of farts it was kind of funny but kind of sad and mostly i was like just dead i was like mostly i was like what is adam sandler doing yeah how'd they get how'd they get the risa to be in this fart and that part is so way for this fart yeah i'm about i don't know i'm the one black guy with set Seth Razor. Seth Razor. I fart, and then I forgot what the three to five thoughts were later, but eventually I got to ass to mouth.

And then I go, ah, ass to mouth. I'm more of a mouth to ass man, or as I call it, eating food. His eyes just lit up when he told me that outside. I love when Tom just makes the face when he ran downstairs and like, oh, father, it's dumb, dumb Christmas.

I've been watching the evening at the improv, like old school stand up comedians from the late 80s and early 90s. And I'm just imagining Tom as a nightclub comic back then wearing a big blazer. Rolled up sleeves. Yeah, he's like, you know all the kids are going ass to mouth. Me, I'm more about ass to mouth. Or as I call it, eating food. Mouth to ass.

Thank you. Mouth to ass. I messed up the punchline. Don't worry, we'll get it in edit. No, you messed up the setup. You messed up your mouth. Shut up. And your ass.

All right, that's enough of the crowd work. On to my next piece of material. I am, in fact, retarded. I was on the bus designated for people of my level of retardation where I had an encounter with their alpha male and became

the leader. Now, it's just Tom's stand-up but he's doing it for 1980s America and they're in no way ready for... Yeah yeah so different than i mean all these jokes about how a movie star is president that how's that gonna work but at least now they're like okay they've seen forrest gump they've heard about school shootings they have a general frame of reference for like what your brain does by the way this is brain is for syllabus for you how does this make you feel, they understand Forrest Gump and school shootings.

They get the entire mind of a complex man who is my friend. You're just Forrest with the gun. You're good-hearted, mildly slow, and occasionally wildly violent. I'm not slow. I'm too fast. I trip over myself. It's different. You're wrong.

You have to know what we mean. Yeah. Well, you're not slow. I'm not slow. I refuse to let this joke. I'm doing the figgety bit. I thought we were having figgety fun. Hey, here's what we mean. Yeah. Well, you're not slow. I'm not slow. I refuse to let this joke. I'm doing the figgety bit. I thought we were having figgety fun. Hey, here's what Tom thinks.

So, okay, imagine you're on the surface of the earth, and your destination is five miles away from you. Tom will run incredibly fast around the rest of the world to get five meters in front of him, and then say the five meter connection 20 seconds after everyone else has because it's the last part he figured out but he also knows the rest of it so you'll be sitting around it'll be going they were both tyler durden like during the credits and you'll be like yeah and it'd be like oh oh yeah he showed that part oh so it's like no he's you're quicker

and smarter than everyone you just try you just do like superman trying to go back in time i'm not smart i just think fast there's a difference like if fucking if like i've always said by the way tom is wearing a hoodie with no shirt underneath and it's partially unzipped and he's got that swim trunks and dirty socks you straight up look like you have been, like, you look like you just jumped out of a dumpster. Yeah, you have, like, untrustworthy uncle swag in a big, bad way right now. That's the swag I always have. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Swagalicious uncle. Yeah. I am an uncle. What's up? Do you guys know that? No. I'm an uncle.

Well, let me see your card. I don't believe you. Yeah, I got three nieces. Oh, okay. So they don't just let anybody buy the uncle hats with all the badges on them. Never forget. Explains your world's third greatest uncle mug. A famous family story is my cousin Spencer.

He's talking to his mom, and his mom goes, Hey, Spencer, your favorite uncle's here. My father's name's Kenny. Spencer says, Uncle Richard's here? This is a still bit that's going on strong today. All right? Let me tell you about the McSpan family bits. We go, Hey, did you show it to your favorite Uncle Richard?

That's one. Another one is, one time my grandmother needed something from the other side of the table from Scott, my uncle. Oh. All right. And she says, Scott, can you pass the cool whip for this pumpkin pie? Scott says, sure. You know, Scott's the nicest dude ever. And he starts reaching across the table, and she's like, all right, come on.

With your short arms and my short arms, we should be able to figure this out. And Scott's like, whoa, I got short arms all of a sudden? So now every time you see Scott, you say, yeah, it's hard to find shirts for those short arms. Dude, your family is fucking funny. Yeah, it's almost heartwarming how atomically boring your family's bits are. These are the most noteworthy things you guys have to call back. These are heavy hitters around the dinner table with the McSpadden family. Short arms.

Scott fucking. I want I want to take you guys camping with my family next time. We do. I want like my family. You guys are family. And I'll be like, yeah, one time we saw we actually went to a restaurant that a movie star had eaten at. And your mom would be like, I ate Winston Churchill.

I stole his bones. I ate them. I did not retain any of his wisdom. And they'll be like, Scott's got short arms. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I had longer arms before the knife fight. Yeah. Yeah.

Those were the days. Sam, I told you the story about my mom getting stabbed? Ah, knife college. Oh, yeah. When I had my very own knife dorm room and my knife mates, Randy and Kevin, the knives. My mom was, yeah, she had some angry ex or whatever, and she was walking down the street on Halloween, and he ran up on her with a pair of scissors and tried to stab her in the back of the neck.

Whoa. And she put her hand up, and she got stabbed in the hand so many times, and now her middle finger is permanently stuck up. Oh, shit. So for, like, my entire, like, growing up life, like, every one of my friends would be like, why is your mom always flipping me off? I'd be like, shut up. She got stabbed.

Yeah, yeah. It's the most punk rock crippling there could possibly be. Yeah, dude. I got stabbed in the face when I was a kid. Go on. I did it to myself, I was real small Okay, hang on Of all the ways to describe your age

Real small The way to bury the lead with I got stabbed, not I stabbed myself The story is Did I tell you when I poked my dumb face What did you poke your face with I think it was a knife A knife or scissors Fitherth I'm not saying the title of your face with I think was a knife

Fuck I got me knife and scissors knife and With doing the podcast when I'm from both to go I forgot the name of the country. I forgot how the thing ring goes. Yes, for the swans, they're just horny. I'm also a goat. And now I'm a snake. Somewhere near my face. I have a little scar by my eye. It's got to be intimidating for other comedians existing in the world knowing that I'm out there just dominating effortlessly.

Shut up. You shut up. You fucking cunt. You're a cunt. Oh, good one. Bro. Way to dominate, chief. Way to really dunk on me with the I know you are, but what am I rebuttal.

All right. Well, rubber has the I know you are, but what am I rebuttal. All right. Well, rubber has the floor. Listen. Listen up, glue. Suck my fat rubbery dick, you sticky son of a bitch. Owned. You just got owned. You couldn't stop me.

I'm undefeatable. Does rubber and glue have a thing together? Yeah, they do. Hang on. Tom. This is a famous like. Does rubber and glue have a thing together? Yeah, they do. Hang on. Tom. This is a famous... Does rubber and glue got a thing together? Are they like Bennifer?

Brad and Angelina, they're both single. What's going on? Yeah, it's Raboo. Yeah. Is Jennifer and Brad ever going to work? I want to try something. I think it would be Jubber. What's up?

It would be Jubber. Jubber? Glue and rubber. It'd be Gubber. Jubber? Glue and rubber. It'd be gubber. Oh, yeah, huh? I was thinking of you. Gubber.

That also doesn't make a J sound. You know what I'm thinking? I was thinking gum in my head for some reason. Wait, what?

I like the idea of you just chewing on a scrap of fucking tire and you're like, yeah, it doesn't taste minty at all. Whoa.

Oh, firestone, not fire mint. So what did you not understand, Keith? There's a famous scrap of fucking tire and you're like yeah it doesn't taste minty at all whoa oh fire stone not fire mint so what did you not understand Keith there's a famous like folksy saying with rubber and glue involving insults I want you to without knowing what it is you don't know what it is right no tell me insults specifically yeah it involves rubber and glue it's like one of those like a penny saved is a penny earned

kind of free ball that right now and tell me if you can figure out what you okay where is it do you tell me where it comes from? This is the best suggestion anyone has ever given. But is it like a Southern saying or like a New York saying? It's a schoolyard taunting saying. Yeah. You know, when you get in line, first the worst, second the best, third the golden bird,

fourth the worth, you know, like you do those little. One of those kind of things you say in school. One of those kind of sing-songy, you know. Just tell me what you think it might be. Just make one up. You ain't got no alibi. Yeah, we are really playing pin the wisdom on Tom's brain. Okay.

Just say it's hard. No, I'm not. Pin the wheel on the donkey. All right, all right. Because it sounds like donkey. Let's break this. Batter up. Here we go.

What's the saying? Rubber and glue. You have to... Oh, that's the saying? No, you've got to work up the saying. You don't understand what we're doing in the game here. No, we're saying you need to make up what you think the saying is and then we're going to tell you what it actually is.

Because I'm amazed you don't know what we're talking about. Rubber and glue, not good for you. Okay. I'm going to give you two more shots. That was a miss. That's wrong. Rubber is in there. The word you is in there. Rubber and glue, you don't eat's wrong. Okay. You're not even. The word you is in there. Okay. The word you is in there. Rubber and glue.

You don't eat a Jew. No. All right. I'm going to give you a hit for round three. I'm made of rubber is the beginning. All right. I made. Wait.

I thought the beginning was. I'm made of rubber. Ba da da da da. Ba da da da da da da da da da da da da. Wait. This is a full-on poem? What the fuck is this shit? It's like two rhyming lines. It's a very basic phrase.

I'm made of rubber. You're made of glue. I like to bounce. You stick to shit. You got halfway there. You got halfway there. I'm rubber. You're glue. Whatever you say bounces. I'm Robert, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Yeah, so if you're like, your mom's gay. Dude, children are dipshits. What? I don't understand. Yeah, why didn't they go with eat a Jew? That was way more like it. Did you say some women are dipshits? No, you said children are dipshits.

Oh, I thought you said some women are dipshits. I guess it's true, but I don't know why we need to go there now. That's not a good look at these troubling times. Yeah, it's not the right climate for calling out the dipshit ladies. Yeah, you dumb bro. Yeah, hey, listen, you goofy bitches. Hey, oh, hey, oh, hey, hey, oh, hey, Tom. We're using the voice of an oppressive force to justify our participation in their chosen kind of humor

under the guise of irony. Hey, if I do this accent, it's satire and not full-blown misogyny, you dumb gash. You should be paid less money. Hey! I'm glad Kevin I won. You see? Yeah. I can't even commit to that bit.

Yeah, no, I mean, that was the worst. But yeah, anyway, so that's the saying, Tom. I already forgot it. Man. All right, try again. This was a... Oh, yeah, just... What is it?

Ah, fuck. I'm made of rubber, you're made of glue. Yes. I bounce off things that stick to you. That's more inspirational. You're carrying all this baggage around. I'm just using it to bounce up high.

I like Tom saying that. That's leverage for my fucking rubbery deeds. Everyone knows how much you love. That's your favorite kind of deeds. I prefer a non-rubbery deed. There's also the other quote. I like my deeds raw. Dude, imagine if you got a deed to your fucking loan and you can just throw it on the ground Keep quietly Hey, what are you doing? Tom, you got this bit where I... You cannot keep just quietly singing over the podcast.

This new thing that you do... What you're doing is ruining an audio medium and adding nothing. You sing softly to yourself like a frightened woman falling asleep. When your teeth are ripping, and I don't know what you're talking about. When you're done being the one girl who can see ghosts in a movie about an insane asylum, can we fucking... Carol, what's wrong?

Nothing. She's singing the wheels on the bus go round and round in orderly as if she's about to get killed. Fuck this, burn the hospital down. The woman is foreshadowing. Murdering, murdering, murdering, murdering. The black guy's not in the movie anymore Is that song really about rowing a boat or is that about some other shit?

It's about jacking off. No, it's about rowing a boat. It's a song for children written by dumb adults from the time of the memorial. It was back when all you had to do as a child was row a boat or fucking die of malaria. Those were your only two options. You know row, row, row your boat is just twinkle twinkle little star yeah no you're thinking of the alphabet i know i was trying to trick you into going twinkle twinkle little star no the only reason i know that you know why i know that though why i didn't fall for it because you've already done this bit to me and i fell for it have i really that was a porch thing yeah

oh man that was one of my one of my notorious and it was another one of those where i'm like oh what a weird but very mild trick and you would just ran around the fucking porch like i dunk you so hard i'm the pope of jokes i'll make you sing a song that wasn't the song you wanted to sing you dumb bitch yeah man i'm pretty fucking they all have the same melody and you sing them all wrong. Yeah, that's literally... Whatever I say bounces off you and goes up my ass. I am butthole, you are cum, whatever is my poop eats your mouth. Welcome to Keith Carey's Butthole Monologues.

On today's show, a bunch of fat gay guys talk about how chili affects their love life. Oh, here's a poem. Beans, numerous, inside of me. Beans, Oh, here's a poem. Beans. Numerous. Beans. Inside of me. Beans, beans. The tragical fruit. Problematic.

Boyfriend. Cramming. Popping sound. The more I eat, the less they'll shoot. Damn, guys. In terms of opening Salvos to a radio program, we just fucking, we just lit it off for about 23 straight minutes. Dude, I'm going to keep singing.

Yeah. Tom, I've long since learned suggesting things to you or trying to change your mind or giving you a differing viewpoint. Now I just, whatever you, you know what?

You're not dead yet, so whatever you want to do, just fucking go for it. I will figure it out. Everyone tweet at Connor and Keith how much you love the singing on the podcast. Hey, everybody, kill yourselves. Stop trying to weaponize the fans to irritate us. Dude, it's a lot of fun.

The only two plans that I've heard, because Tom just got wise to the fact that we have a fan base who will respond on social media. Oh, you guys are awesome. Do a minor amount of our bidding. And these are the only two plans he have are whatever annoying shit he's doing, get them to double down on it. And then he keeps just talking about different people he thinks it would be funny to fight.

You had one great idea, and now you're like, why don't I fight Steve Harwell from Smash Mouth? Oh, yeah, I forgot. That was a real plan. And it hasn't stopped. We just had this conversation again outside. And by the way, in terms of house-wide plans, Ramsey was trying to convince us to let 10 reptiles live in the house for $200 a month.

Yeah, I forgot we were supposed to do a whole segment on that with Ramsey. But yeah, Ramsey approached us and was like, hey, I'm going to go work for a reptile loan-out company where I take reptiles to school. And I'm like, look at this lizard. Isn't that fucking cool? Yeah, yeah. And he was like, well, I'm moving out. But what if the lizards just live there and the snakes for $200 a month? Which is not a lot.

The lizards would be paying more rent than Tom. Yeah. No, not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, so we're not going to live with lizards. By the way, everyone stay tuned for the tweet to Steve Harwell. Hold off.

I will sound the alarm when it's time to Harwell. No, Tom thinks he's the general of some kind of internet Lord of the Rings army. Tom doesn't realize there's only seven of you who just really don't have a lot going on. The Big Meek and Alexis will send out a tweet and a half telling Steve Harwell to fight the podcast guy. Here's the thing. He only has 5,000 Twitter followers. We could gain his attention. 4,000 more than Tom.

I do declare that's nearly five times as many as Mr. Carr. By my arithmetic, Tom is not famous yet. Yes, according to my calculations. Who is that? Somebody once told me to suck Steve Harwell's dick. For people who don't know, Steve Harwell is the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

We already said that multiple times. No one doesn't know. I was busy scheming. Don't you ever pretend to be informative ever again? I had to explain to you guys where heing. Don't you ever pretend to be informative ever again. I had to explain to you guys who he was. Don't you ever try to masquerade as a helpful person in any discussion. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven Smash Mouth songs.

Okay, Walking on the Sun. All right. All Star. Okay. One Week. Nope. Nope. All Star.

No. Walking on the Sun. Stop it. I know the two songs. I know the two songs. I love the two songs. There's another one in Shrek, in the Monkees movie. Yeah, in the Monkeverse. You know that Shrek song in the Monkees movie?

You know when he sings It's Not Easy Being Green? I'll take the last train to Clarksville. I'll meet you at the station. I am an ogre and I'm very impatient. I get in fights. I'm a violent guy. But now I'm made friends

with a donkey and I'm gonna get some pussy. It's Shrek. Good old pussy loving Shrek. You can't tell me I can't sing on the podcast. I love two things, living in a swamp and eating box. And then I saw her face. But it wasn't as good as her pussy.

But I'm still an ogre. My Shrek is just turning into Cheech. Without a trace of non-ogre blood in my veins. I'm an ogre in a swamp. Taco monster. I'm an ogre. It's the same accent.

I'm still an ogre. I'm green. This is the only fun I've had all day. I know. God damn, you've had a day, man. Oh, man. what a time. Wait, they do I'm a Believer? They do.

We've been going for 27 minutes. Should we throw the commercial and then do Jugoff? Or do we want to just go into it? Oh, we can do that. And I guess we just went to a game, you think? Or what do you think? Up to you. What do you guys think?

We can just do that and not do a game. Everybody's had a fucking week. Yeah, yeah. Apologies for being a little ramshackle. We'll do, we'll cut. It's a fun one though. Yeah.

No, that's for the fans. Look, I want the fans to know that the decision making process is very little thought goes into it. It's a lot of instinct. Mercifully little. It's a lot of groove following. I'm going to be honest with you.

It's a lot of it. It getty bigotty improvise. It makes you feel any better. We are about to throw to a sketch. That's kind of funny. Oh yeah. All right. Well, we'll about to throw to a sketch that's kind of funny. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we'll be right back

in just a second, gang. And we're back, and it's time for the Mexican Joke-Off. Oh, I thought we were going to finish discussing. Hi, so topical. Continue!

Continue discussing what? We weren't having a discussion. We were all, we were doing three different shreks at three different octaves. We were doing three different Shreks at three different octaves. We were doing three different Shreks at 11pm. Yeah, like the devil's version of the three tenors.

I don't know any of the three tenors. I just keep thinking of Mike Ferrucci, the guy we work with. Are we doing joke off or game? You guys keep saying I I can't see. I am an old man.

And there is a song. I'm an old man. Also Pinocchio. I think so. Why was it? And there was a tree that could talk or something. And John Cleese was in the second one. Yeah.

This podcast is unlistenable. Who enjoys this show? I don't know. I enjoy it, but me, I'm doing it. It's like shitting. It's only fun if you're doing it. Podcasting, that's honestly, put that on my headstone. Podcasting is like shitting it.

You only enjoy it if you're doing it. Or if you're German. Yeah. I'll hand you a castanet. I haven't forgotten about you. If you enjoy the show, you have an early one. Guten Tag!

Yeah. No, I like that I'm on a first... I like that we have just enough fans that I'm on a first name basis with like half of them. Yeah. And the other...

And I forget the other... I get people confused. There's enough that I could get you confused with each other. But I can... I'm still pretty familiar with everybody. Yeah. It's a nice, comfortable level. So are we doing joke off or game?

We're doing joke off. Yeah. All right. I got a joke for you. Damn, that was my second pick. Columbus, Ohio did not observe Columbus Day this year. What's wrong, Columbus? Everything all right at home?

What? Like they don't have enough self-esteem to celebrate their own holiday. Columbus, you didn't even show up for a cute day. It's okay. I don't really deserve it. Wait, you don't,

you could, you had the big Columbus Day parade? No, why not have a parade? Go hang out with the indigenous peoples. I mean, look at the work you've done in the community.

What have I really done? I don't know. It seems like a perfect time for a parade. It's Columbus Day. I don't know. Here's the problem. I've never been to me,

so I don't really know how to do anything specific about Columbusumbus ohio i mean presumably i have a bank i guess that's neat yeah you know man me and keith we like to break uh the fourth wall about two lines into what could be a three minute bit because we're both afraid of committing to things i had no idea what the fuck you guys are talking about you know i love that i can feel Tom's I don't get it spidey sense from across the room. Yeah. All right. I'll go next.

Well, my jokes have been good lately because they've all been explainers. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you can tell a joke is really great. Love it. But it gives you just a nice long landing. I got to be honest. I do like an explainer.

Every once in a while. Budget cuts have forced a zoo to replace their penguins with plastic statues. In related news, due to Patreon declines, we have replaced Tom Goss with a speaking spell tape to a possum. What if it's just a plastic penguin? And then every once in a while I pick him up and go, I'm fat and gay, I'm fat and gay. That's such a good Tom impression. I do the best Tom impression. I'm like the funniest guy ever.

Oh my God, I'm Tom. I love dicks and be a sandwich man. Oh, I get made photo. You don't sound like Tom at all, you stupid asshole. Oh, I'm Tom. I'm a plastic penguin. That's Tom Dirty talking as he's just like, yeah, I'm your little sandwich man.

I'm a sandwich man. I'm a backdoor Santa. Here's some beef. And your curry. My name is Pastrami Yousef. What? Rami Yousef, if he was Pastrami. We're looking for any sandwich related.

Yeah, that's the only sandwich. I'm sorry. I don't even know Rami, really. You're the only sandwich guy I could think of. Yeah, you were thinking of Sex Man, and you got to Pastrami Yousef. Yeah, good. Magic Tom. Tom.

Yeah. Proceed to do, good. Magic Tom. Tom. Yeah. Proceed to do a joke. All right. You're making that face where you know something bad is about to happen to you. Tom, unless you pooped your pants, you better tell a good joke. A new lawsuit has come forward accusing LaCroix of containing cockroach insecticide. Damn, I knew LaCroix didn't taste like cockroach. You better start shitting your pants, fella.

You said cockroach incesticide like it was guesting on Saturday Night Live. Featuring cockroach incesticide. I spelled it wrong and it fucked me. Musical guest Pastrami Youssef. What's there's seven other jokes and I wrote that right before we started. I was like, this is going to do well. Speaking of ones. Good segue, con man.

Speaking of ones. Speaking of ones. The least amount of ones. I am a human and enjoy intercourse. Police authorities are calling the origin of a swastika found in an officer's flashlight a, quote, mystery. Mystery authorities are calling it, quote, the most solvable mystery ever. A related topic. I like how we just do it.

Related topic. The internet is outraged over a Hitler-themed room at a sex hotel in Thailand. One guest said, quote, this is truly offensive. It's depressing and it's making difficult to get hard enough to fuck this eight-year-old I bought. Well, you shouldn't be able to buy those. Yeah, well, it's Thailand, man. That's their whole deal.

How do I feel like all your father's stories end that way? Dude, good noodle, weird kickboxing, and child fucking. That's what Thailand's all about. You were born. We didn't see each other for a while. That's Thailand, man. That's how your dad ends every story we got the cat i went to the bank a couple phone calls later i mean it's just you know it's thailand man okay on a similar note uh a north carolina cyclist was almost taken out by a deer ricocheting off a car and flying right

by his head the cyclist said i'll be killed by a flying deer when deer fly. First of all, that's very funny. Second of all, in what way was that on a similar note? I don't care. Yeah, that was my, when I realized, sometimes Tom just memorizes key phrases to get through life. Yep.

Like he's speaking a foreign language, and he's got, where's the bathroom? Yeah. Can I borrow your selfie? He knows a few things. He's like, okay, the riffing, I don't know what to do. I've already been banned from singing. I've got to institute a segue. What did I say? On a similar note, there you go,

Tom. Related story. Now we're in Homestretch, the joke I wrote about flying deer. I thought about Rudolph a lot when I saw that headline. When I wrote that album, I was thinking about Rudolph. How could you have a lot of... There is exactly 30 minutes

worth of thoughts you could have about Rudolph and it is the movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. There's not one more iota of thought. You said that shit like... I was thinking about Rudolph a lot when I wrote that song, but I wouldn't say it's about anyone in particular. But I was thinking about his transgressions. Man, the idea that Carly Simon wrote the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,

and she's like, I'll never tell anybody who it's about. And they're like, it's about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. No, it's about Freddie Mercury getting AIDS. A lot of people don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. He called it rhyming gibberish, but I know Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a story about Freddie Mercury falling victim to the AIDS virus.

Let's go through it. They wouldn't let him play in any reindeer games. Yeah, you're not letting Freddie Mercury at the orgy. He's got fucking AIDS. Well, yeah, you know what everyone's favorite reindeer game is? Giving blood. So, it's one of their favorites. They love that shit.

A lot of people also enjoy shooting the deer for food. A metaphor for Live Aid. Yeah, no one would eat him because he hates. It's one of their favorites. They love that shit. A lot of people also enjoy shooting the deer for food. A metaphor for live aid. Yeah, no one would eat them because he had AIDS. The only person they could get to bring live aid to life was somebody who had the disease that was in the name of the concert. Yeah, he had live-itis. He had live disease. Oh, man. Live disease.

I like late night meat boys. Paul Schaefer, hit me with something. I'm sorry. Did I say Paul Schaefer? Pop out like you're in a haunted house based on the late show with David Letterman? Who is Paul Schaefer? Hit me with something. You have a keyboard, Paul.

Who's Paul Schaefer? I didn't like that last part. My Paul Schaefer and my Skeletor are very similar in price. Skeletor, Paul Schaefer. Who's Paul Schaefer by Skeletor. Very similar presence. Skeletor? Paul Schaefer? Who's Paul Schaefer? We're going to have He-Man on the show, Dave. What do you think about that, Skeletor?

Ah, it was fine. You really kind of forced the Freddie Mercury bit. What do you think about that, my sidekick, Skeletor? Who's Paul Schaefer? Who's Paul Schaefer? Who's Paul Schaefer? I refuse to explain. He's the guy who invented Schaefer-ing. Yeah, that's where you fuck a guy in a bad tie.

No, he invented chafing cream. Like when you shave your face. I have a sad story to tell you. It may hurt your feelings a bit. Today when I walked in my bathroom, I stepped in a big pile of shaving cream. Be nice and clean. This is Dr. Demento's classic song, Shaving Cream. Okay, all right.

You can't keep banning me from singing and then do that. Yeah, you know what? I refuse. I'm going to uphold the ruling on the field. Yeah, I knew you guys were going to join in, and it was going to be like a fun memory. It turns out only I know the song, and I sing it alone like an insane person. Yeah, that's how anyone ever enjoyed Dr. Demento. Why would anyone know what that is?

I've talked about that Dr. Demento compilation to a lot of people. And you know what? What is Dr. Demento? It brought us into it alone. Is that the mental ads guy? What? Dr. Demento? Wait, no. No, stop.

No, Tom, that's the guys in the lab coats exploding Diet Coke and Mentos in the commercial. Who is Dr. Demento? Dr. Demento is not a YouTube star from 2008. He's a disc jockey that played comedy records in the 70s and 80s. No, it's that show on CBS where he reads Dr. Dementalist. Yeah, Dr. Demento. He's on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He plays

Danny DeVito. Oh, the dad from Matilda. Dr. Demento plays Danny DeVito on It's Always Sunny. So many references I don't know. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, man. I'll periodically say it's yours.

I'll say Tom Waits every three minutes. That would be great. I also know Kurt Vonnegut and Pennsylvania Animal Shelter is in desperate need of help caring for 71 rescued beagles. The shelter's owner said to the press, it's time like these that I worry we've really overused the phrase cute emergency. You know, it's a popular Twitter account. Yeah.

And this is actually a cute-ass emergency. Adopt those beagles, guys. I'm not familiar with the phrase cute emergency. If you're anywhere in Pennsylvania and you're looking for a beagle, I would suggest adopting these ones and giving them a nice home, helping out at this shelter,

doing good work. Do you want to give them any ads? Spay and neuter your co-hosts. Or else they might start getting mouthy. A man's vision has been permanently tinted red after overdosing on Viagra. When asked for comment, the man said, quote, It was worth it to fuck that eight-year-old I bought in the Hitler room. You know how hard it was for me to bomb for that long?

What's up? You know how hard it was for me to bomb for that long? For that whole joke? I talked for like three minutes around that too yeah you could have stopped I was just like

you did it to yourself and I committed to the whole thing I know maybe I'll get some level of respect and it's just hard for me because I'm just used to killing so hard you know what it is you know

you know what I love watching you when you have to bomb and it's not you're not going to save it it's like watching a bouncy castle when it's like almost done running out of air but it's also senient bomb and it's not you're not going to save it. It's like watching a bouncy castle when it's like almost done running out of air, but it's also sentient and knows it's about to be doomed. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Sentient bouncy castles. Yeah. Well, because you know me, I'm killing, crushing, roguing. Yeah. Pussy. I'm so straight for it. Speaking of which. Squishy in there. Warm. Smells like like good fish was like my dad

I Just want to put a spoon in there Like it's a snack pack Where do I put the straw? It's one of the fruit of the bottom Pussy Stir it up I've dumped granola crunchies in

It's like a parfait It's like Chobani Punani Chobani Punani Chobani Punani That's that guy from the big sick right? Oh Jesus I haven't seen that. No, he's from

What's the Problem with Come Again or whatever. Yeah, it's one of my poo children, right? I was thinking the same thing. I thought you were

talking about my Hari Kondabalu just like car bit on the show before, right? What is a car bit? Oh, my favorite thing to do is just an impression of a Japanese man

who is furious at Hari Kondabalu. Hari Kondabalo. Hari Kondabalo! Hari Kondabalo! All right, I'm not going to lie to you. That's a good bit. And it made me laugh very hard. Kondabalo!

He just murdered his son. Sorry. Continue, Tom. Whoa, Dan Creston a lot. Who does his fucking Apu's voice? Harry Shearer? No, it's Hank Azinia. I've mentioned this before.

I need to learn references just so I can know what you guys are talking about and riff with you guys. Because I have- You know what Japanese people are, right? Yes. You're halfway here. You're not going to catch up on human history And public knowledge All I can do is have you get more specific

Yeah, pants That was a five year project I'm going to be working my way towards Haircuts by 30 If we're lucky, when we get to 40 You may have more than you're asking You're asking why you don't have a flying car And we're still fixing fucking potholes in the 405 here.

Well, yeah, we should just fly over the potholes. That's Tom's logic. A Virginia man put meth in his mother-in-law's coffee. That will teach her to not clean up after herself. What I love about this joke is that I was imagining he's like a Virginia man. Wait, Virginia? I thought like a Virginia man. Wait, Virginia? I thought he was a man.

He doesn't know how to say vagina. Yeah, I got it. Oh, my God. Oh, sweetheart, you're Virginia, so what? Oh, my God, I love feeling that hot, wet Virginia wrapped around my shaft. I love it, Virginia. I'm pumping that Virginia. He's wearing the Pennsylvania. My favorite kind of Virginia? West.

On a girl. My favorite kind of person for sex. The good ones. None of those fellas. I gotta retire my Tony Hinchcliffe impression. It's been too long. But it's so fun.

I don't even know Tony. We were buddies, but I don't want him to think I'm... Tony's not listening. Tony's not listening to anything that's not the sound of opera music while he flexes himself at the mirror. Tony's never done anything that Patrick Bateman didn't do a little less creepy. He's a bloodless American psycho. He does not care about the podcast.

In between ordering iced coffee and driving around Listening to songs that make him think about a movie That he stars in about his life Tony Hinchcliffe Does not find time to hear me make fun of him On Mean Boys Alright gang A hooker stole an off-duty cop's car

When he got out to get cash from an ATM to pay her That's the Real Ice Dude of the Week Shannon, play the music Cartoon Snake car when he got out to get cash from an ATM to pay her. That's the Real Ass Dude of the Week. Shannon, play the music. Cartoon snake. She's a real ass dude. New bear that says the N word. Albatross around big J's neck. We haven't set a record for referencing other podcasts on this podcast.

Welcome to the Inside Baseball Variety Hour. Hit them up. First off, fuck you, bitch, and the click you claim. Stacking off, though, wait till you hear this whole thing about fucking lispy Spanish Ringo. A man is on trial for killing his girlfriend by sprinkling

cocaine on his penis. I've heard of a blowjob, but this is ridiculous. Wow, that's a really... That's a really good, but this is ridiculous. That's a really good, but this is ridiculous joke. Yeah. I never mind. I have my water. Yeah, I'm almost out. You were gonna say no. You were gonna

deny me water. I only have like one. I'll just go I'd go fill you up one from the tap. French king of the wasteland. I wanted to drink fresh water that I bought. After the Khabib-McGregor fight, a man jumped in the ring and punched McGregor in the face. He was heard shouting, where the fuck are my lucky charms? Because he's Irish.

I like how you did that like it was a news report in the 1940s playing before Flash Gordon. Where the fuck are my lucky charms? Yeah, there we go. After the Khabib-McGregor fight, one of the mix jumped into the stand and decided to get even. Now our boys in blue took down those slanty-eyed motherfuckers, but not without the help of Winston cigarettes. Easy there, Patty. Save it for the octagon. If you want the bold, smooth flavor of an Irishman's punch, marry a McGregor. If you can't do that, smoke a Winston.

Girls, they'll make you less fat. Which is bad. There's one good type of body, and you don't have it. Welcome to America. It's the 40s. Nine out of ten doctors agree. Don't be a fat lady. The other doctor is a fat lady.

Work those cankles off and build some battleships, girls, because it's time for your feature presentation. Fucking Wizard of Oz or some shit. Who cares? The other dog represented the Jews. It was a World War II movie. Yes, that's not even a little correct. You can't do Ringo without him turning into a ghost. Oh, Ringo.

Oh, I'm so trashed in an octopus's purgatory. What are we talking about? Well, there's a drop in the soundboard. In an octopus's purgatory. What are we talking about? Dude, we have nonsense, Tom. What the fuck is going on? Tom, you understand that this is what it's like listening to every conversation with you that I've ever had? No, I make sense to me. No, every single... We're making sense to each other.

Yeah, that doesn't involve me. Every conversation with you is me trying to catch up to what you're catching up to right now. Isn't it a little tiring? So are you ashamed of yourself for what you've done up to right now. Isn't it a little tiring? Are you ashamed of yourself for what you've done here? You do do it, but you have more practice. I only involve one voice.

A man confessed. Try to do that. You're being tricked by us doing other voices. Like a baby might be. Like a large bearded infant. I'm going to be honest with you. Having the socks and the way you're sitting is not helping this comparison.

Tom, I need you to get a job. It's me, your Auntie Ringo. I'm in no way a column expusal or whatever his name is. I'm your Auntie Ringo. And I'm your Uncle Shrek. Then I saw her face. And I'm your Uncle Shrek. Then I saw her face. And I'm your opponent, Steve Harwell. I've been training for years with the robot they used on Ivan Drago.

I built it in my basement out of AOL CDs. It's time to power up your fight game. Tom is literally getting tired From trying to understand Any of the references we've made Yeah, Tom You look Man, you look like You look like a little kid

That fell asleep After he was evacuated From some place Yeah Like, just put on the first outfit You have And go And just grab a cot

At the fire station This is what one of those kids Looks like right after They got pulled out of Like that fucking collapsed Cave in Indonesia Or whatever I was already feeling that way

Before the episode My ex-wife was in Indonesia? Hey! We'll be right back. All right, guys, I got to do this next joke. A man confessed to burning down a house to, quote, get rid of memories. Trying to get rid of some memories?

Have you ever tried weed, dude? Come on. Smoke a little weed. Here's the problem. I want to make fun of you for how bad that is, but mine is even hackier. You ready for this? I got another one.

Suge Knight's son claims Tupac is alive and living in Malaysia. So if Ramsey Badawi disappears, we probably know what's going on. Man, I missed that first one. I think he would drop everything to go to Malaysia to hunt Tupac with Suge Knight's son. Just to have a funny story for a podcast. When you say hunt him, here's what I think. Tupac's son is genuinely looking

to find his father and reconnect. Ramsey is dressed like Elmer Fudd. 100%. I'm looking for these wascally whappers. Alternatively, he's wearing a safari outfit and he has a large net on a stick. He's like, first I catch Tupac, then I go check on the snakes.

Did I ever tell you guys about the fucking online multiplayer shooting game that was like Team Fortress, but one team was dinosaurs and the other team was guys with guns trying to kill the dinosaurs? Does anyone else have to pee? What? Go ahead. I'm going to talk about this dinosaur

game for 20 more minutes now that I know you have to pee. I don't even remember anything interesting about it. Should I pee and come back? No, no, no. Stay here forever. I'm going to make a gentle liquid running even remember anything interesting about it. Should I pee and come back? No, no, no. Stay here forever. I'm going to make a gentle liquid running noise while he talks about dinosaurs. Okay. I mean, I'm on your bed, so I'm just going to go drink more water. Alright. You're not going to pee

on my bed. I will if you keep it here. Yeah, I'm not going to kidnap you. Yeah, you're not a slave. First of all, if push came to shove, you could murder us both with your hands in about 45 seconds. Yeah, Tom. Do you understand how jarring it is to be in an enclosed space with you? I've known you for years.

You're not in here with us. We're in here with you. I've known you for years. As soon as the car door shuts, I'm on DEFCON 1. Every time I get in an Uber with Tom, you can tell they see me get in. They're like, all right, it's a non-threatening gelatinous man. And then Tom gets in on the other side and he's like, ah, this might be trouble. Here's the thing.

I don't look physically intimidating. It's a mental aura I cast onto people. Yeah. Well, it's because you look like you're really tired, but your eyes are also open very wide. Yeah, you're like, I am alert, but do not have the function to stop myself from doing some gnarly shit. Wait, so it's your turn, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Here's a bad joke. A mysterious hole in the Midwest shot flames for 40 minutes. For more information, read my one-star Yelp review of the restaurant at the Stables Casino in Miami. Oh. Wow. I didn't know your mom. There it is.

You didn't know your mom's pussy was a flaming geyser in Oklahoma. What a coinkydink. That seems like some shit it would be. Oh, shit. That might be the last thing we haven't called my mom's pussy. I think we finished my mom's pussy bingo. We haven't said nice. We shouldn't have ever made that 1,000 by 1,000 mom's pussy bingo card, but we solved it, and it's time to move on.

The free space just said teeth. That was agreed on immediately. Well, speaking of Keith mom. Keith mom. Speaking of Keith mom. Keith mom. Speaking of other thing, here is joke. Yes.

Not joke. We'll recalibrate and do similar bad joke next week. Tom Pewter analyzes surroundings and adapts poorly. MSGoss, activate. Therein lies the drama for viewing audiences at home. Tom Goss is the world's first retarded computer in Tom Pewter by Chuck Laurie. Coming to CBS

every day, all day, until you die. The world's first retarded computer. Tom Goss in Downsloading. How can I love? I just pooped my hard drive. I am a retarded computer. There's like nine ways I don't understand human emotions.

I pet my mouse too hard. I try to have sex, but how do I put this? I had a floppy disk. Now you get 12 seasons. Wait, I thought yours are bigger anyway. They are. I didn't have enough blood to spare. Just because it's bigger doesn't mean it works.

It's like capitalism. Or Dodger dogs. Damn. I just took down Dodger. Man, you really stuck it to Big Dodger. I still have to pee. Okay, sorry, Tom. Tell your joke and we'll wrap it up.

Oh, after the... Okay. I'm sorry, buddy. No, that was fucking hysterical. Run program joke adjacent dot exe. I could follow that because it was about me. I'm one of the references. I know what me, retards, and computers are.

I can do the math on everything else. Tom, what is capitalism? Oh, money fight. Money fight. Woo. Yeah. Spring break. We're going to live forever.

Covered in money. Hell yeah. My dad's a lawyer. I can rape whatever. Woo. Spring break. TJ Miller, 43 at spring break. Yeah, TJ Miller!

He's just running into buildings that are not participating and shooting women with a super saver. Ah, it's fun. Everybody's doing it. Yeah, it's my pee. It's mostly you, TJ. Yeah. No, it's everybody. No, it's like hella just you.

No, it's everybody. Yeah! We gotta have a conversation about that. It was a dead pool! No, look. Hey, listen here. I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, but what you're doing in these establishments with that water pistol is certainly uncalled for. I'm gonna call the FBI

and tell them you killed a kid! It's called the spring break, not the spring purge. Alright? And look, there's a bomb start at the ferry. I don't think you're gonna have something to do. As a matter of fact, you're going downtown, TJ. You're gonna eat my pussy, TJ Miller. Feed me your pussy, yeah!

Tom, give me your phone. I'll read your last joke. Alright, alright. So Tom's going to pee my pussy, T.J. Miller. Feed me your pussy, yeah. Tom, give me your phone. I'll read your last joke. All right, all right. So Tom's going to pee. Let's just, shh. Now let's just have fun until he gets back. T.J. Miller, yeah. Ah, shit, it's loading.

Yogi Bear. I was an emoji. Yeah. Remember that and nothing else. Yeah. Hey, T.J. Miller, what emoji were you? The poop emoji? We'll be right back.

Sounds like he's more of a poop emoji. Oh, I found it. You just got blasted by... Cat Williams was arrested for attacking his driver over an argument about his dog. When authorities asked Cat about punching his driver talking... Punching his driver... Tom, Tom, I'm not doing this to be a dick. I need you to start from the top.

I got lost in the woods there, champ. Oh, that's really stopped you. Okay, all right. I'm trying to give you a good lead up to make this work. It's not going to work. If you guys need me, I'm going to be watching a YouTube video with the sound up. I still have to pee.

Cat Williams was arrested for attacking his driver over an argument about his dog. Is his dog named Dog Williams? When authorities asked Cat about punching his driver who was taking him to his Portland show over an argument over his dog, Cat responded, You're going to need to be more specific. Here's what's fucked up that's actually really funny. I have a pee. Tom, we are torturing Tom tonight.

Tom, you've gotten boned again by my cruelty. And I got to say, you deserve better. Boned again. Dread Batman, I've been boned again. Curse your batimus bone. Well, I'll just get out of the asylum next week and I'll try again. Peace. Batman.

When's he actually just going to kill the Joker? Right. He should fucking kill him. Bang. You know what? I get like on the Joker. He should have probably killed the Riddler by now. Bro, if you haven't killed the Riddler.

I don't even know what to tell you. Yeah, man. Cripple that bitch Yeah Riddles Who likes riddles? Yeah Who's

Any riddle heads out there? No You're not a fucking You know somebody You're not the quiz master Well actually I love I have a book of riddles That I

That I read And pretend is my girlfriend Here's the thing If any show Has A fan That's a big riddle guy and is currently offended,

it's definitely our show because we stole most of our listeners from This Is Rad in the early days and their listeners definitely love riddles. Those are some riddle bitches. Dude, if you listen to This Is Rad, you straight up tell people riddles and then you won't tell them the answer.

You make them Google it and you think you're fun. You're not fun. You're a riddle bitch. I peed. What's happening? Apparently, we've decided every fan of this is rad is a quote riddle bitch well i'm just saying like yeah imagine people that like love what the fuck happened during the pee a lot of talking about batman for a minute and then it got really hostile whoa i'm not hostile i'm just tired and i've had a bad day at work. I'm sorry, buddy.

It's okay. I enjoy the people of Mrs. Rad. I had to have a job. It was so hard. It was really easy. It was hard. My life's hard. Man, something I realize.

You can be miserable, and your life isn't even hard. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys Podcast returns, and it is time for your Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog?

It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. Mailbag. I forgot we already put the jingle in. That's where the jingle goes. And you know what? This is the time in the door. It's a motherfucking B-boy. Mailbag. I forgot we already put the jingle in. That's where the jingle goes. And you know what? This is the time in the show. We like to give a voice to the little guy. You.

You little bitch. You small swine. I love you guys. All right. I haven't even seen any of this. I've been up to my neck in tasks. Old Man BLT, which right there.

Old man BLT lives on the BLT farm down the way. I do feel like the BLT cuts my gums, like I'm chewing a nicotine gum or something. I do feel like it's just biting into a bunch of fiberglass. I feel like a BLT is just a bunch of shit that goes on top of a real thing.

I'm with you there as well, but I feel like sometimes the feel like a BLT is just a bunch of shit that goes on top of a real thing. I'm with you there as well, but I feel like sometimes the bread is a main protein. How does a BLT hurt you? I need you to explain this. Just the bread. Like you toast the bread and it just... into your gums. It's a sharp sandwich. You can't eat toast. I eat toast all the time. You're too sensitive

for toast, though. Alright, Tom. I don't appreciate this racist football coach attitude you've adopted when it comes to my sandwich proclivities. Look, I'm on the don't appreciate this racist football coach attitude you've adopted when it comes to my sandwich proclivities. Look, I'm on the sandwiches side of this one.

another added to the list of Keith biography titles. Sandwich proclivities? Yeah. And also violent under drag names. Okay, I'm just trying to keep this

chapter nine. My ham-based indiscretions. Chapter 10. The Gravy Diary. Oh, dude, I forgot about the butthole monologues where Keith just goes up and he's like, I farted out a Cheeto that looked like it hadn't even been eaten. What is my butt doing? It has one job.

All right, so Old Man BLT writes, One and where is the meetup and can we come in a Halloween costume? Oh, in the spirit of Halloween, would you want your tombstone to say, and if you could haunt any famous location, where would it be? Survey says Keith's butt. That's where you're going to haunt? No, I wouldn't haunt your butt. It's pretty crowded in there.

It's what location we want to haunt? Keith's butthole is like Hong Kong for ghosts. They're just... It's like the inside of a magical sword. A bunch of Japanese sleeping in a shelf. Your butt is Frostmourne from the Warcraft 3 video game expansion set. The souls of a million doomed men trapped inside my rectum. Coach Decoche and falsely aired an audio recording said to have been taken in your butt that was later revealed to be fake that they thought was the sounds of hell.

If you play my farts backwards, it tells you that Paul McCartney's dead. Because there's thousands of ghosts living in your anus. And they roil around, but still somehow did not digest the Cheeto. That's how unhealthy you are. I don't think that's on me. I think that's just a powerful Cheeto. There's just like a water slide of ghosts that ushered it out the other end

until, boink, it came out. It's got to feel like somebody got like a shotgun shell stuck in a Cheeto bag. Yeah, well. Where would I haunt? Where would you haunt, Tom? Disneyland. Destroy maximum happiness. Wow. Destroy. What an unnecessarily shit lord answer. No one's fun.

I knock over kids' ice cream cream i'm a cool tough boy that's like okay that's like okay you know what that's like your job is a ghost i don't really know what your job is i have a convoluted that's what that sounds like theory that sounds like if sid from toy story okay grew up yes started a band yes they translated one of that band's lyrics into Japanese. That's what, destroy maximum happiness. That's what that sounds like. Holy damn it, Christmas. Do you understand the Rube Goldberg machine of ideas I had that evoked in my mind?

You needed a director set to build that joke. Bro. And future generations will gaze upon it and weep. And be like, indeed, that is kind of what that sounded like. Indeed, that was sort of funny, I guess. Well done. I am thoroughly mildly amused. I thought you were going to say, I am 35 years old,

and I listen to guys 10 years younger than me talk about trying to make it while I, I don't know, fuck the same lady a bunch. This is such a high improv episode. What's that one improv podcast? Comedy Jam Jam? Whose line is it anyway? Comedy Jam Jam.

Comedy Jam Jam. No, those are your PJs that have Richard Pryor's face on them. Those are your Comedy Jam Jams. Dude, I would totally get those pajamas. I would never let you borrow those pajamas. You don't have those. If I had them, I wouldn't give them to you. You don't have the technology.

They have it. You don't have the balls to make pajamas with Richard Pryor on them. I would totally wear those. I would fuck your ass. All right. Not wrong. Oh, yeah. We never even answered that question.

Where would I haunt? I answered it. Where's my favorite place? I answered it. Where's my favorite place? I honestly might haunt Disneyland too, but for more sincere reasons and less destroy maximum good time. I don't know that there's any place I really like. Yeah, less ruin a churro USA number one or whatever the fuck you said. That's the ghost job is to ruin shit. You just decided that.

Dude, that's why Casper's a movie. It's because he's the ghost job is to ruin shit. You just decided that. Dude, that's why Casper's a movie. It's because he's the exception. The amount of times you've yelled at me about Casper as a movie. Not to mention as a mattress. As a psychiatrist. Tom is not aware that there are multiple brands of mattress. He just thinks that one day if you're lucky, the bed fairy drops you a lumpy sleeping surface. Tom is not aware that people listen to this after we record it. things that just one day if you're lucky fucking the the bed fairy drops you a lumpy sleep tom is

not aware that people listen to this after we record it dude honestly i really believe what wait oh before we went on tour i thought all the people tweeting us were just bots connor created to keep us doing the show i like that you think I would try that hard to do anything. I guess I would haunt prehistoric pets in Chino, California. Why, you ask? So I could watch kids that were at the

Chuck E. Cheese next door walking in to look at the reptiles. That's the only answer I could think of, so that's what I've decided on. That's a good answer.

I can't think of a funnier answer. I haunt Disney with all my good memories. I would honestly hate it at prehistoric pets, but if I could have a laptop as a ghost, I think I'd be alright.

Dude, destroy maximum happiness. You're a cloud. I think you can go into the cloud. Cool. Yeah, you are a laptop, dude. Dude, you're a laptop. Oh, good one. You're my special little laptop. Not Ron Wesley writes, do you have any weird and unusual hobbies or interests that you may not have shared?

I can't imagine what we haven't talked about. Have I told my dog story on the show? What is your dog story? Did you fuck the dog, Tom? Did you fuck it? That's kind of like the time that you fucked that dog.

What the fuck is going on? Keith, you're a dog fucker. I love fucking dogs. I found out about it on the internet. Yeah, Keith fucked a dog and he's gay for the dog or whatever. I'm gonna tweet Keith every news story with a dog. Is this Beavis and Butthead? What the fuck is going on?

Every single day, Keith is gay for dogs. He loves dogs. And specifically dogs with dongs. He wants to fuck that dog. All right, Tom, what's your dog story? Sorry. No, I've been playing Candy Crush. Connor is rummaging through an empty garbage can.

I dropped something. It's like you're just doing things to make it very clear audibly that you're not interested. Oh, well, dude, when I don't like a conversation, I just change the conversation. Anyway, that reminds me of a 20-minute detour about a Yu-Gi-Oh card. It was back in the summer of 2011 and Duelist Genesis had just hit

the stand. What's your dog story? Oh, I don't have one. Did you fuck the dog? Did you fuck the dog, Tom? Did the dog fuck you? Did you fuck the dog? Did you fuck the dog, Tom? Did the dog fuck you? Tell me if you fucked that dog. Are you married to a dog? Orf, orf, orf. That dog is your dad.

What the fuck? I don't like this. That dog is your dad. You fucked a dog. Does that mean that dog's my uncle? There we go. Okay. That wasn't anything.

Nothing. This has been anything. Oh, yeah. Hey, everybody. What? Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I know weird or unusual hobbies. I used to throw playing cards.

That was something I did for fun. I threw them at a styrofoam target. I got kind of good at it. Not amazing. I guess I was better than anyone you'd meet, but it's because nobody cares about doing it. Yeah, it's a skill that no one has at all, so if you can do it a little bit, you're really good at it. So now I can probably do it. Again, better than a skill that no one has at all, so if you can do it a little bit, you're really good at it. So now I can probably do it. Again, better than the layman, but not particularly well now.

That was a whole summer I was obsessed with ninjas and throwing playing cards at my house. I think everybody goes... More or less pretending to be a ninja. Every goofy suburban kid that goes through there, I want to be a ninja, like, summer. I was goofy. Where you get real into, like, I want to be a ninja summer. Yeah, I'm going to buy nunchucks and then i'm gonna handle shit yeah no i mean we had this whole thing where the horse trails behind our house we'd like made maps and given them like medieval names

right where the orcs lived and stuff and then we would just go back there and beat the shit out of each other and it was like what do we need lore for this like do we need like a whole backstory to call each other gay and fist fight next to my grandma's house? My brother threw a ninja star at my stepdad once. That was pretty tight. Whoa. What? That's fucking...

He was mad. He was mad and ate and didn't really know what to do. He just goes, I didn't throw it in any kind of lethal way. It just kind of clanged on the wall. But it was pretty funny to see him try and weaponize these fucking... Weapons? The Santa Fe Springs

swap meet ninja stars we got for three bucks. Oh, yeah. Tommy, any weird hobbies? When I was a freshman in high school, I got really into rock, paper, scissors. Did you fuck the rock? Did you marry the scissors? Did you kill the paper? Are you gay for paper?

I enjoy hiking. Because you're a paper? Are you gay for paper? I enjoy hiking. Because you're a man or gay. What is this? I was one of our fans self-destructing trying to think of a tweet. Here's the problem.

I have this whenever I'm hiking and rock, paper, scissors. I'll take things an alien says so that people don't realize he's an alien, accidentally giving it away worse than anything he could have said. I enjoy human games like rock, paper, scissors and hiking.

I do your earth skill of walk high. What kind of thing is that to say? I went through a four-month period where I enjoyed water and the window. Here's the thing. I'm not, like, proud of it. I don't enjoy many things. I don't take pride in the things I did during the record. I would play many hours of game Look at Ants.

Watch ants study for use in everyone Everyone's favorite time Concept of light Yeah It makes It fucking makes On and off I was like I hope this girl enjoys me talking about water I turn on inside sun

Oh yeah Tom You know Like if Tom went on a date Or something Hypothetically The only way that happens And he's just like Yeah

So I would have done the radio show where I'm interrupted and berated unfairly before I can explain anything I've ever actually thought. I guess I like hiking. And then the girl goes, hiking? And you find it's me in a mask. That is an actual conversation I've had with the girl. I like that you guys have already fucked twice before you do the mask reveal. Well, one and a half times.

A girl asked me, I think it's my pinned tweet, asked me what my podcast was about. Oh, yeah. It's mostly my roommates calling me retarded. The live show, a woman hits me with the belt, and it just ended the conversation. She just walked away. Yeah. What's the next question? This is mostly directed at Tom and keith wow okay nice

fine that's that's cool what's it like being fat and gay um did you fuck that no no uh he writes this is his words as a fellow as fellow fat men do you feel that it is a hindrance to dating how would you go about demonstrating your other qualities? Oh, you mean like length and height? Oh, I... I would... Dude, once they realize how crazy I am,

they don't think I'm fat at all. Yeah, you really have a different... You have a different set of issues. Your problem is when you talk about being... You try to talk about being crazy and make a disarming, like, hey, I know I'm a little weird, but it just comes across as you thinking you're hot topic edgy. Like, look, I know I'm twisted, bro.

Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? I know I'm terminally sledding, or slayed, skizzled. Say what? What? I don't know what I'm getting at here. Yeah, you lost me pretty hard you started grabbing at consonants and helping for the best there chief oh what's up with this

squiggity biggity biggity ding dong dong i'm not trying to be edgy when i fucking talk about my mental health i tone it down a lot i know i'm sorry but oh yeah what are you saying about uh that yeah so that the the fatness isn't as it's not really hindrance to me i was just talking to tom about this. Yeah, and we feel differently about it. Well, my thing is sort of like, I think being a fat guy and trying to date is like, you know, when you're younger, like, especially like high school gets beat into you. Like, oh, no one wants to date the fat guy because there's a weird currency against it.

Honestly, Jake... Oh, yes, the fat Ripple. Yeah, the Ripple. Oh, come on. Fucking up top. The Ripple. Blah, blah, blah. But no, I mean, high school's over. We're all fucking grownups. Yeah the ripple Oh come on Fucking up top The ripple Blah blah blah But no I mean

High school's over We're all fucking grown ups I feel like people Like fat dudes This is Keith's brainwashing High school's over And nobody cares And it's like

Everyone will laugh at you If you fuck a fat guy No they absolutely won't They'll mock you They'll call you names I've fucked 50 people That's insane Every single one of their homes

Have been vandalized Because people found out that they were having relations It's like harboring a Jew during the Holocaust They paint vegetables on their door With blood The blood of the children Paint vegetables If you fuck a fat man

You're going to get hit by a meteor Can I actually answer this sad fat idiot's question? No I'm sorry go on Don't define yourself as the fat dude It's very easy for the fat dude Hit by a meteor made of God's wrath. Can I actually answer this sad, fat idiot's question? No. I'm sorry, go on. Don't define yourself as the fat dude. It's very easy for the fat dude. Do not define yourself as the fat dude. No, it's very easy for fat dudes, especially if you're kind of funny, which a lot of our

fans are sort of like the funny guy in the group. Far beneath our brethren. I'm just going to talk to you, you fucking brick wall. You're like motivating up your fat guy quote and putting a background behind it and changing the font? What, Martin Luther King size?

Fucking. Yeah, exactly. Martin Luther King, Carl's Jr. I don't know. Do you got any other ones? Martin Luther King of eating fatty foods.

Yeah, sure. That works. Martin Luther Burger King? Yeah, that works. Martin Luther Burger King? Martin Burger King. Martin Burger King. I believe it was

Martin Burger King who said. Sorry. Yeah, anyway. Martin Burger King. I believe it was Martin Burger King who said. Sorry. Anyway, as Fat Gandhi once. No, just like don't define yourself as fat. Don't lean in with self-deprecation. Be confident. Be a person. They know you're fat.

You don't have to acknowledge it. It's not like being. Yeah, honestly, dress yourself well. That's the biggest thing I can tell a fat guy if you're trying to date. Yeah, Keith. I mean, if Keith's going to the store and Keith's going to see a girl, it's a very different look. They go to the store, it's very different.

Yeah, the baggy T-shirt, the shorts, flip-flops, I don't give a fuck. Get it done. Yeah. Keith's going to see a girl. He looks like he is in the background of some Happy Days episode. The buttons are up. The hair is done. It's over. It lights out.

Every first date I've seen you go on, you look like you're going to sell a car, and it's going to get sold. I mean, I'm about to, you know. What is my dick if not the pinto of genitals? Like, it's, you know. Yeah, you really do. It's neither reliable nor particularly aesthetically pleasing,

but I keep putting it in people. You look like the guy who's really hustling, working the concession stand at the small town movie theater so you can afford enough to buy the new Corvette and fucking impress Sally down the road. My advice, because I operate from a different place. My advice is curl into a ball and roll as though you were a roly poly bug away from civilization. My advice when it comes to the girls, well, let me clue you in. Quarantine human interaction and burn it as though it were an invading alien force.

Look at them as if they are a troublesome animal you are unsure how to remove from your property. Ask their opinions upon the death. Offer no context for why. Recount memories and redact them after realizing they are dreams. List people you would consider murdering. Pretend that you don't just dream a loop he has a Digimon sleep paralysis yeah aka Agamon in the bedroom syndrome. Yeah, he's like Sid Barrett from Pink Floyd, except all he sees is just fucking acid flashbacks of a T-Rex whose arm is a bazooka or whatever. You fucking nailed Digimon.

That's the only Digimon I can think of. T-Rex arm bazooka. Yeah. Done. My brief advice is the only time I have fucking. My brief advice is a man of bets that I will leave behind when I am panache. Tom writes in his letter of a fat man in Montgomery Jail. Look.

Yeah. No. When I feel fat, it doesn't matter how you look, but when I feel fat, I completely shut off in all ways. Fucking feel good about yourself and then try interacting and shit with girls. Because I think Keith's right about them not caring as much, but it's a thing in your own head just as much as anyone else's. That's what I'm saying. If you're working out, if you're eating healthy, you're going to feel better and it's going to boost your confidence. Totally. I feel like you're only as fat as you feel yeah and that's

you know that keith and his head is 193 pounds no i feel fat a lot i mean i have been working out and trying to eat better like it does you know how you have the confidence of a man yeah i mean but i think that part of that like i was saying with the guy is like yeah realigning how you define yourself like if i'm a fat guy, is realigning how you define yourself. If I'm a fat guy is the first thing you think about yourself, you're going to live as the fat guy. Then you might be a redneck. Then you might be a breadneck. But no, if you're like, oh, I'm the funny guy.

I'm the sweet guy. I'm the guy who's into whatever. And then ninth on the list is I'm also the fat guy. It just sounds like you're describing a fat guy. It's funny and sweet. He's fat, isn't he? Yeah, fat people were good at other shit. Sorry, we're not all pretty enough to be the world's shittiest man. All the fat people out there.

I'm not even pretty enough to be. No, I know, but you sure seem to think you are. God, imagine a world where Connor was as hot as he behaves. I'm not particularly attractive or talented. Especially not to justify this arrogant kind of podcast character that I do. as hot as he behaves. I'm not particularly attractive or talented. For neither of those. Especially not to justify this arrogant kind of podcast character that I do. Yeah. So I guess I'm just hoping I figure out some kind of fourth thing that makes it work.

But in the meantime, it's just very annoying. And it's been very troubling to my personal relationships. What? Just my horrible persona. Being fat? You could just not be this way. Have you considered that? Here's the problem. You could not be this way. Have you considered that? Here's the problem.

It is pretty fun. Yeah. No, it's fun. No, it's hilarious for me. Yeah. As somebody who's not dating you, I find it wildly fun. Nobody's dating me. Well, yeah, that might be why I don't want it.

They're trying to turn people away. You're taking a real you can't fire me. I quit approach. That's exactly what I've done. No, I'm the most attractive. I'm doing the Postmates of dating right now. You are bad at talking. I don't have a boss. I have an algorithm, and that algorithm, human sadness.

It dictates my every move. On the next episode of the Mean Boys podcast It takes 45 minutes to answer one Because Connor won't stop riffing And then overanalyzing his performance In real time Connor does a book report on his own bit He's so fascinated by himself A man he hates

A narcissistic Self-hater of some kind Wow As Tom is clearly Winnie the Pooh, what cartoon character... I love that. Assuming, as we all do, that Tom is in fact the Pooh Bear. Yes, assuming that light can become mass over time,

which of you is the gayest? That's a word. No, okay, so as Tom is clearly Winnie the Pooh, what cartoon characters do Connor and Keith most identify with? Oh, the one that fucks the dog. I vote Keith as Crumb from A Real Monsters. I'll take that. And Connor is pretty much Marge Simpson.

What? I agree. That's a weird one. That's a little odd. No, no. Marge's sisters. Oh, Patty and Selma. That makes even less sense.

You know what I feel like? I'm like Bart if he was written by the family guy writers but not the good ones you're Krusty the Clown you take no joy in the concept of creating the art you're very good at making yeah that's a good point I read a story about Kurt Cobain today

and it was hard because I'm like I just agree with you on a lot of your points man you're like well I didn't finish the piece but I did google the price of guns. No, I'm just like, well, the next step is to marry a woman that everyone hates that I think is awesome, that murders me. So she can live off my legacy. Which, in her case, she's going to be very disappointed. I have a feeling that's going to happen to me.

Are you going to be murdered by a girlfriend? Yeah. Well, the problem there is you're going to have to get a girlfriend first. I've had girlfriends. Yeah, you know, I mean, there have been fires in Alaska, but I mean, it's mostly cold up there. You don't think there can be fire in cold places, Connor? You knew what he meant. In Alaska, there's certainly less fires.

Yeah, he said a dumb thing, and I'm pointing out that he's a dick shit. Where are there more fires? Southern California or Alaska? Yeah, how many times a year do you hear about the Alaska wildfires compared to here? They have oil rigs up there. They have crazy fires up there. What are you talking about? Well, Tom, this is exactly why you don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah, because she burned to death in an Alaska oil derrick. That is where Tom's soulmate would be. Just lumbering around Anchorage, dragging a loose log behind her. She'd be at the bar that Francis from Malcolm the Middle works at, drinking her days away, going, If only I could meet a thick-necked man who didn't know what he was talking about. Find me your densest, most ignorant dude. I would make him pancakes the size of hubcaps and marry him immediately. Thomas, just normal- sized Paul Bunyan.

I'd have him put many well-meaning children inside of me. Wow. Come thick-necked Messiah, let me carry your burdens on the state. What cartoon could I be? We were talking about

this yesterday. We were talking about Bojack. I'm Mr. Peanutbutter. Tom is Todd and Connor is BoJack. That works out. I'm Will Arnett. No, you're BoJack Horseman. Yes.

Is he voiced by Will Arnett? Yes. So I'm Will Arnett? Yeah. Hmm. All right. What's Tom's story where he got kicked a lot? You know, I already tweeted this as a reply, but you're going to have to be more specific.

I'm assuming you're... One of Tom's main hobbies is getting kicked a lot. Yeah, it's like his whole deal. Yeah. Here's the problem. It's not a funny story at all. Yeah, maybe it isn't, you know? Yeah. yeah no it super isn't on a on a seriously related note andrew zanoski writes if i met tom irl would you let me hug him fucking love you guys keep up the good work thanks andrew would you would you hug andrew yeah just just let me know what's going

on don't just hug me out of you know the blue but be like, can I give you a hug? Definitely don't hug him out of the orange because he sometimes thinks that orange is mad at him. Yeah. All right. I'm in bed, bitch. Do any of the Muleys have a favorite creepy internet story? And if so, what is it? I got into Slenderman for a while. I started a business with my roommates.

We're going to have to lightning strikes incorporate. Who will do the dishes? No one. Not me, the pirate. I'm a ghost pirate. You're dim. You bet your pirate don't lie.

Yo-ho, yo-ho, it's not far off from Shrek. Yo, ho, yo, ho. It's not far off from Shrek. Yeah, you are. Donkey. I shit in my pantaloons. Yar. Avast, you scurvy donkey. I forgot about Shrek.

It's everywhere, donkey. Underneath the car seat already. Yeah, my favorite internet horror story is the Patreon bonus where Frank shits his pants began. Oh, yeah. Well, that started in Sacramento. Yeah.

I believe we were driving around. It was about like a year-long bit at this point. Tom, do you have any creepy internet stories you enjoy? I was watching this video about a review bra getting stalked, and I felt bad for the guy because he was getting harassed by people on the internet.

That shit bums me out. So stuff like that is creepy. I'm afraid, you know, someone might murder me, but thankfully I'm not that successful, so I feel pretty safe. I enjoy Slenderman, or I used to. Yeah, so does every woman in the world. Yeah, I was into it before the woman. Well, I'm saying they like Slenderman.

Yeah, he didn't get it. Oh, well. Tom is my favorite horror story. Thickman. Thickman? It's a thick-ass slender man. Not very discreet for his size, granted, but still pretty easy to spot. You look at the woods, you'll see a daddy lurking.

All right, what's the cheapest thing you've done to save money? Hmm. I'm trying to think of some real cheap. When we fucking, was that with you or you, or was it all three of us when we poured out the fucking, the glass jar of pennies and we're trying to like mathematically figure out the least amount we can spend and all get in and out. Oh,

that was the three of us. Yeah. Three of us. All right. If one night when we had like it was like a it was like a sombrero full of like mexican nickels and it was like we can all get a double or we can get three singles and then share a small fry oh i didn't get anything what's up yeah yeah that's right you're a no meat boy yeah well they have non-meat shit i just i wasn't that hungry

and yeah i was just like we didn't have enough money for all three of us tom at a party hello i am a no meat boy terrian uh i'd say that she was saying i've done to save money was not eat for three days yeah like i've i've i've siphoned gas out of parked cars whoa no with your mom or solo no with a couple friends of mine damn where were you using the gas for they just need gas for their car and then we didn't have any money. We used to just get a can of gas. This was our hobby on my childhood street. Get a can of gas, and then just pour it on stuff and light it on fire. It was just like a big one, soak the teddy bear in the gas, light the teddy bear on fire, play soccer with the flaming teddy bear.

Yeah. So much fun. That rips. Never even kind of got hurt. We should be doing that right now. Nothing happened except we made memories that last forever. We got to play fire soccer at some point. Dude, that and fire wire where you put steel wool on a dog leash and you whip it around

and it makes a cyclone of fire that you control with your hands. You feel like Dr. Motherfucking Strange, Keith. It rocks. Oh, shit. Dude, we used to like... One time, I got grounded one time. My mom comes up by the side of the house. Someone calls me on the house phone, you know, back in those days.

Yeah. And we're outside with a barbecue stick lighter just trying to get a piece of cardboard to catch on fire. No propellant, no nothing, just wanting to watch a cardboard fire. And that's how boring the suburbs of Chino were. It's like, what if we watch an even more boring burn? Let me go to what hobos refer to as public access infomercials. An un-fucking-supported cardboard fire. Let's watch Caveman TV and see what pans out.

And then let's go rub Nick's mom's dildo on his face and throw dog shit in his house. Which will never stop being fun. Because we're bored. We got voicemails? We do, yeah. Sorry. I was having too much fun on memory lane. No, you're good. I've been waxing nostalgic this episode because my assassination draws

near. Alright, so let's see if we got any voicemails. Alright, this one. I'm seeing a six-letter bleeped-out word that's either fucked or the other one. We'll find out after the break. The mean boy shuffle.

One, two, here we go. Oh, shit. I fucked up, god damn it. You guys ever hear about Keith and his dog? That's a good one. All right. Oh, hell yeah. I loved it.

Is that it? Yeah. Hang on. I'm doing this shit. What the... the dude you people are weird man dude I love interpretive jazz about me and boys

bro do you understand okay here's the best part here's the best part about this voicemail somebody left this at 2.59 in the morning oh man this man's

poor neighbors this man is on meth dude I worry about you guys man he clearly knows exactly four seconds worth of competent drumming before it eats shit I worry about you guys, man. He clearly knows exactly four seconds worth of competent drumming before it eats shit. I worry about you guys and I live

like a fucking animal. Goddamn. Take care of yourselves, boys and girls. Hey, guys. Would you rather marry a chick with no laser arms or marry a blind chick that has a vagina sewed up?

Wow. Okay, dude, first of all, congratulations on winning the Prison Basketball League Championship. You guys played hard. You played a good, clean game. Would I rather marry a chick with no legs and no arms or a blind chick whose vagina was sewed shut? I got to go no legs or no arms or a blind chick whose vagina was sewed shut. I gotta go no legs or no arms. Whoa, okay. I think, I mean, look, if I'm caring for the disabled, I better get to fuck, you know?

They're both disabled. Well, sewed shut. I mean, I think first order of business is let's go to the emergency room and fix your vagina. But I think you're getting, the point is, you're on some real cask of Amontillado. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yeah? Yeah.

Explain. Because she would tell me how, Connor, I just see whole worlds in my head when you riff at me. Nervously, you know? And I could look at her and try to figure out if she liked me without being insecure about her looking back at me.

It's got everything I want. This is the furthest... This is the darkest answer that could have been. This is the furthest Connor's ever gone to avoiding eye contact. What? Oh, with the blind woman? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

That's very funny. I'd just look at her and I'd be like, I can look at you without feeling like I'm not enough. And she'd be like, well, I can't see anything but that's very nice. She's sassy, my hypothetical man. I want a blind wife now. We're going to get you a blind wife, fam.

If you're blind, is your pussy show on site? I'm sorry. If you are blind and horny and listen to this show, wait, what's the voicemail? Blind and horny. Blind and horny. You're with us, okay? This is blind and horny. Blind and horny. You're with us, old man. Blind and horny. Can I see

photos of their faces? No, but neither can she. Okay, I'll go blind. Cool. Alright, so we got one more voicemail here. Hey, mean boys. If the curse from Beauty and the Beast were to happen to the Pachy Alpha Palace, what would you guys

all turn into? Thank you. Fuck everything. God is dead. That's a fun one. Keith would be the dildo he stole from Tosh.0. Which I have lost track of. What? I don't know what happened.

Your inheritance? I'm going to be straight up and down with you. The cleaning ladies came, and then I didn't see it after that, so I genuinely think a cleaning lady might have stolen my glitter dildo from Comedy Central. Whoa. I don't think they'd do that. Really? Well, yeah. I actually don't think they would either, but it would be funny if you walked around.

I mean, we stole California. It's blood for blood. You know what I mean? It's a good trade. What if you walked around with a Polaroid of a glittery dildo? Have you seen this dog? Yeah, yeah. Like a samurai?

Yeah. What would we turn into? I think I'd be the mug. Oh. We could never find you. Yeah. Yeah. Tom is a crack mug. I kind of feel like you'd be a jug. And, we could never find you. Yeah. Tom is a crack mug. I feel like you'd be a jug.

And Keith would be a sassy ashtray. I don't have an ashtray. We kind of do. We have that what used to be an area for plants. We have the bonsai plant that we've been putting cigarettes on. You know the bad guy in Fern Gully? Like the big smoke monster? No.

Damn it. Well, I'm not made of loose cigarette butts. Okay. If you're listening to the show, you know what that looks like. I like you being a sassy ashtray. I like me being a sassy ashtray. You're like Frylock, but his base is an ashtray instead of cigarettes. It's Frylock.

I like that. You're for sure your broken Yu-Gi-Oh clock. Oh, yeah. That would suck to be a broken Yu-Gi-Oh clock. Hey, a broken Yu-Gi-Oh clock is still stupid twice a day. Twice a day. Woo! Spring break!

T.J. Miller! I'm T.J. Miller! No break! TJ Miller! I'm TJ Miller! What's the deal with Bonfract? I can't do a spot in the east side of town anymore! Not welcome at the Virgil. I'm falling down a giant cliff! It's a metaphor for your career. I'm sorry.

I was all over the place this episode. This has been a wacky one. I'm sorry I was all over the place this episode this has been a wacky one we've uh I'm exhausted we've had good times you look so drained I mean I went into this drained

it is like it's crazy because you two are the highest energy I've ever seen you guys bouncing off each other well you know what and I don't even have

the right energy to interrupt it correctly I'm like Matt Damon in fucking 24 hours or whatever the fuck that movie's called I just found it inside myself.

Oh, born guy? I don't know what you're talking about. His arm is fucked and is climbing and he has to get out. That'd be James Franco in 127 hours. Wrong number. Wrong guy. Matt Damon in 24 hours? Yeah.

What? So you're picking Ben Affleck up from rehab? The U.Aa bowl parody of starring an asian man named matt damon but it's spelled with a y yeah that's the one i love that movie oh man so yeah what do we got to plug gang um uh this weekend uh october friday and saturday uh i'm i didn't feel like looking i'm gonna be be at Labs in Tucson I'm headlining out there Two shows, 8 and 10.30 Friday night and Saturday night Grab your tickets, come out to that, that's going to be fun

I've never been to Tucson before so I'm excited about that I think Keith will like Tucson I hope not I think you'll like it Very possible October 18th I'm at the Virgil in Los Angeles Doing big money It has two basic districts

Cute and artsy Poor and fat I'm at the Virgil in Los Angeles Doing big money It has two basic districts Alright Cute and artsy Okay Poor and fat Oh okay yeah I know I'm gonna love this Yeah yeah It's everything

Everything else Strip malls Raising canes Target CVS Walgreens Ah shit Supermarkets

You name it You've got it right there Big parking lot Pull right in Get what you need Get the fuck out The other part Tucson I need

Coffee shops Art walks Galleries Clothing Thrift shops Build hobos, and street food. If you are in Tucson, take me somewhere fat or cute. Yeah. Take you to a mirror, Keith Carrier? Sunday the 21st.

I'm at Proof Rock here in Los Angeles doing a show called Pizza Party. The 26th and 27th of October. I am at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego, California. Make sure you come out to that pizza party show. There's a lot of industry there. It's actually a good show. I'm sure. I don't know.

It was just funny. It's just what the name of the show is. I wasn't actually being mean. And the 28th is goddamn Halloween right here in Los Angeles. The Mean Boys Halloween Spectacular. Yeah, Halloween. I dare say. A spooktacular.

Indeed. It'sacular indeed it's me yeah it's me TJ Miller and I can actually confirm now we booked our first guest for that

Jessa Reed one of our favorite guests from the show is going to be there to stand there fucking around with us oh oh look at this

I still haven't met her I'm going to let Connor deflate some more utterances out of him and then we can wrap this thing up Tom you got anything

to book not really Wednesday I'm closing out rec room in Huntington Beach some more utterances out of him and then we can wrap this thing up. Seinfeld, can I say anything? Tommy, anything in the book? Not really. Wednesday, I'm closing out Rec Room in Huntington Beach. I'm going straight from there to Host Cranmer. Hey! Two places in Orange County that no one listens to the show can go. Wow, dude. You don't think they're going to go to basically San Diegogo to the world's hardest to find strip mall parking

lot to attend a biker bar show where the patrons are there yeah i mean hey i love karma bar you should go if you're living it's my favorite place in the world well because here's where you get i host every week it's a weird shithole and i fucking love it to death it's great and you get to see tom do hosting Tom. Which is pretty funny to watch. Which is great. Because Tom will go up, he'll start to riff on something,

realize it doesn't make sense, unite the audience in laughing at him, and then give the next comedian a nice crowd. And he goes, yeah, that wasn't the time to bring that up, but we got some more comedy. Talk about sacrificial lamb. Yeah.

All right, gang. Love you. Thank you for listening. Yeah. All right, gang. Love you. Thank you for listening. Fuck everything. God is good.