Mean Boys - EP 159 - Diarrhea Quicksand (feat. Isaac Hirsch)

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

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Hey everybody, welcome to another edition of the Mean Boys podcast. Boys who are mean! Oh yeah, Keith got a little tummy problem. Yeah, my body has just decided that once every week and a half it will put me in blinding stomach pain. So, when I inevitably have a... Which I admit, on behalf of your body, is a pretty good prank. When I inevitably survive a heroic battle with belly cancer, we'll look back on this intro fondly. Isn't it called stomach cancer?

No. It's called belly cancer when you're hilariously fat. It's a different thing when what Keith said. What did you eat? I ate food. I ate food. I didn't eat a Tim Tam. I'm not a goat.

He went to a burger restaurant he was excited about is the worst part. You're like, oh, we're going to that burger restaurant. Swell. Yeah, stout. I enjoyed the thing, and now I'm suffering. You're paying for it. Anyway, we've got Isaac Hirsch on today's episode. Actually, Keith on this show.

So this is the only Keith you get to hear this week. We. Yeah, so it's me and Tom and good old Isaac Hirsch, all reliable. Yeah. Just cutting the rug. That's dancing. Cutting it up. Cutting the pot.

Chopping it up. We should keep talking. We're doing a podcast. Let's keep both takes of this intro. Yeah, it was a fun episode. Here's how bad we are. This is the second take. Just listen to it at home.

Yeah, Isaac was fantastic. We had a lot of fun. Yeah. Keith is still died You just moaned at the concept of fun Yeah Fuck man I'm turning into me

What's happening to me Follow him on the social medias Guys Here's the deal Keith's about to turn into a werewolf And I don't know where his mom lives So you have to leave an iTunes review soon. Yes.

Patreon update, five stars by username Mean Boys Patreon, which thanks. Tight. This guy writes, next 9-11, all $100 patrons will receive two Mean Boys branded Jenga towers signed by the Steve Riggity Ran-a-Zeezy. No proceeds go to Alzheimer's research. You mean no proceeds? No proceeds go to Alzheimer's research. You need no proceeds? No proceeds. That's so funny.

And I'm like, how did you even make up this terrible sentence? I love it. I love you so much. I love it. That's the

riggity. Apparently this is my catchphrase now. Fun times are goals. There you go. I'm in severe piggity pain. I like to riggedy wrap this intro so I can go liggity lay in bed and

make it a bone quiet. But yeah, leave it. Leave us another iTunes review. We're only, we're maybe what a dozen away from having Keith's mom on the show. And literally three away. We're three away from meeting keith's mom keith gets

to diarrhea all over his mom's new stepdad's bed uh and the circle becomes complete yeah and here's the deal he's gonna turn into a werewolf so we got to do this soon me of london or whatever uh yeah so get some tickets for Halloween. And what's the date for Halloween, Connor? October 28th. October 28th? Oh, shit. Where?

9.30. I think we haven't totally discussed the details. Tom, where is it? Echo's under Pico. It's just on Pico, but part of it's under it. Plumbing. You're not inhabiting that portion for the show. It's at Echo's.

Yeah, come to the show. Hallameen. We're going to have some... The link is in the bio. We're going to have some awesome fucking guests on there to be announced. Some of your favorite guests have already flatly declined. So man, I'm excited to see Steve Bran is easy.

Not happening. Aaron Reynolds, he LA and Australia. You best believe he doesn't check his messages. Jesserine, I guess, doesn't have a lot going on. She'll be there. So Jesserine will be on the show. Hooray. Jesserine. I haven't met her yet.

Jesserine. And presumably we'll wait until the last second and just book our roommates. I don't know. Shit. Man. Yep. Nope. No ideas.

It's got to be a good show. We're actually really excited about it. actually yeah yeah we're gonna do some cool shit goofy plans yeah i'm gonna get super as as keith would say uh higgity hurt yeah dominatrix well actually i don't even know if that's happening guys don't try to do my big okay all right calm the fuggity frick down calm the fuggity frick down. Calm the fuggity frick down. Good old cuttity cutter. Figgity douche. I feel like I have to vomit shit.

You sound like Nietzsche right now. I'm in hell. If you want more of this content, we are super close to snark week. $2,000. We're like 30 bucks away or something. Oh, really? It's pretty close. Yeah.

And here's the deal. I have had no time to do any, have any sort of a life. All three of our lives have been so chaotic lately. Writing jokes about Hitler. So I truly cannot fathom doing a week of Spoon the Snark. So if you really want to destroy a couple of human beings for an extra hundred dollars each a month, go ahead and throw your five dollars for weekly bonus content. Ten dollars for monthly goodies. Getting the patches printed up and sent over from from last month, working on that.

So that is still coming down the pipes. But, yeah, fucking get in there. Help us out. We're poor. We've ruined our lives to amuse you, and we appreciate it. But if you want to give us money, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, subreddit. Oh, yeah, we got the Mean Boys subreddit. Where people can make, oh, you can see. Logan Keith, best character in the show's history. Yeah, all about it. What a fun, sexy time. Check out, this is where you reveal that you actually think the same things as me. They're just covered in a layer of disco balls and gravy.

Is this what you feel like all the time, spiritually? Check out the Mean Boys. There's no way to survive like all the time. Spiritually. Mm hmm. And check out the mean boys. Like there's no way. I'm working on it. It's not no picnic. Check out the mean boys subreddit. There's a lot of hilarious memes of me jizzing all over the place and something with a kangaroo keeping order to the bit to move the join our discord channel not run by us.

It's run by Alexis out in Indiana. I do check in once a week to make sure no one's radicalizing anyone to anything other than maybe a new Gundam series they'd like to discuss. Yeah. Do you like Gundam? I'm not sure what that is, but go ahead and Discord. I'm not going to remember. If you like shooting beaver houses or whatever in space, you can go do that. It's a kind of anime book.

No one didn't get it. Hey, fuck off. All right. You want to borrow my medicine? Don't talk smack to me. You can have the medicine, man. Thanks, buddy. I don't have medicine, but I have a computer.

Okay, well, we got to read some sketches off that computer, and I have to edit them into this week's episode. Don't worry. It's 1247 a.m. right now. But, boy, bet your ass that we have a Twitter and Instagram.

Follow them shits real quick. And a YouTube channel. EGADS. Every show. Right there. All for you to listen to on YouTube, you weird asshole.

I tweeted me until I had to get a separate service that uploads things to YouTube for me and they get 89 views. So subscribe to that. Yeah.

Give them 90. Yeah. No, they get more than that So subscribe to that. Give them 90. Yeah. No, they get more than that, I think. Yeah. Anyway. Oh, God. We got to go to bed. Here's the show.

Hey, everybody. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. If you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna wanna fuck your wife. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... Young Stephen Hawking. Welcome to the show. Isaac Hirsch returning once again. I was looking at pictures of young Stephen Hawking and I was like, we can get Isaac for this.

Yeah, I've heard that multiple times. You're not the first young Stephen Hawking diss I've gotten. Yeah, I know. Yeah, hack. I figured I probably had someone to beat me there. But you really do look like the world's least healthy able-bodied man, but you look like you were successfully faith-healed out of a wheelchair by Billy Graham in the 70s. I look like Stephen Hawking like like, a month into the diagnosis, where everyone's like, uh-oh.

And you're walking around like, hey, it's not a death sentence, guys. I'm just going to try to figure out these black holes while I still got my arms. You guys could totally be, like, the same family of Pokemon that evolve into each other, like you. Oh, yeah. So if it has max happiness during the day you get isaac yeah max sadness at night it turns into me yeah isaac evolves into connor connor evolves into chris delia there's a whole chain of just like skinny white dudes we used to do that that was uh that

was the pokemon evolution like the the old example is like so keith carey evolves into mike lawrence who evolves into padden oswaldalt. Oh, yeah. I remember these. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like, uh, Connor evolves into Hampton Yunt or evolves into like, uh, I don't know, Daniel Tosh or something, you know, like it doesn't, it doesn't work perfectly. I don't know who, who would Isaac evolve into? I don't. Matt Kirshen. I don't know who that is.

Uh, John Mulaney, but he has an autoimmune disease. Not diagnosed. Yeah, maybe, maybe he has an autoimmune disease. Not diagnosed. Yeah, maybe. So I like things from the past. I think they're better, and I have to have my blood replaced every day. I could see your final form being Mulaney, but I don't. I would like that very much. Yeah, I could see that.

I mean. I want to marry a lamp designer. That would be awesome. I feel like you're a little more vulnerable on stage than Mulaney. Well, yeah. I mean, Mulaney is so polished that there's nothing. You don't know what Mulaney the man is like. But that's okay.

Which is why I didn't like him for a long time. That's fair. And then he won me over. But yeah, the writing and the polish is so good that you can't argue with it. Also, Stephen Hawking, I don't know if you know this, but as a young man, he fucked a lot. Yeah. Well, no, as an old man, too. Yeah, he was pretty awesome.

Yeah. He literally got the whole Joe Urell buddy bus system to go take him to be pooped on in sex clubs. And just for me to, like, if I had to, every time I wanted to have sex or jerk off, if I had to call, like, three separate phone sex or jerk off if i had to call like three separate phone numbers by teletyping with my eyes i don't think i would ever fucking yeah but homeboy just wanted it more he's like god damn it they named a kind of radiation after me i deserve to have a leathery ass in my face yeah so uh everyone's been complaining that the show is bad now and it's not structured enough so i've i've So I've really done a lot of work to make sure we have a good, structured, good time.

You know, like a Mormon family vacation. I don't trust this. From 2.30 to 4, that's souvenir time. 4 to 5, that's when we're walking down by the pier. Everything is going to be beaded out, so I want to get into a couple things. Last night, Tom Goss went to cvs to get sour candy uh in preparation for uh getting high yeah that's what i eat sour candy that's what he likes to do and so imagine if you will tom goss in in the cvs wearing the world's worst outfit of just

six different you know kinds of exercise clothes each for a different sporting activity looking just unshaven and deranged. His beard is uneven. So it looks, you know, all this happened is you shaved. I look like I live outside that CVS. You do, yeah. When you've shaved your beard wrong, so it looks like your face is deformed because your beard is the only thing that gives you any semblance of a jaw. Yeah, my face is like Play-Doh.

You've got to form out what shape you want. So he looks like he's a guy who survived a very mild form of jaw cancer at the CVS, who's currently preparing for some kind of garbage barge boxing league. And he's trying to decide what sour candy to get. He's like, I promised myself I'd only get one bag. He's like, okay, do I get this bag? It says extreme sour, so that's more sour. Or do I get the big patch, kids? Because there's more candy in that bag. I can only get this bag? It says extreme sour, so that's more sour. Or do I get the big patch, kids?

Because there's more candy in that bag. I can only get one bag. That one's more sour. There's more candy in this bag. That one's more sour. But this one has more candy in the bag. And he goes back and forth for four minutes. And I'm just standing there, like, watching.

And then he finally decides he gets the extreme sour patch, you know, the more sour bag. He walks five steps towards the register, and he goes back he gets the extreme sour patch you know the similar sour bag he walks five steps towards the register and he goes back and gets the other yeah and it was worth it because i got i got the highest i've been in a very very very very long time are you sure you picked the right number of varies you know man you really struggle with that yeah very very he chose very long chose four berries, and he walked to the register and was like, no, wait a minute, five berries. Exactly. Well, this one's very, very sour, but these are very, very, very big. Very, very, very sour, very, very, very, very big. Yeah.

Well, I also got six protein cookies to work out for workout food throughout the week. Yeah. I hadn't seen those flavors before. I also got six protein cookies to work out for workout food throughout the week. Yeah. So he just. I hadn't seen those flavors before. So he brings up a whole fucking shipping pallet full of muscle cookies and two big duffel bags of sour candy to the register. And they just looked at him. And yeah, so that was a lot of fun.

Yeah. Still the most normal person to shop at that CVS. Dude, that CVS. I mean, it's terrifying. It's the CVS right on the border of downtown LA and Echo Park, and I suspect that homeless people go down to downtown during the day to beg or whatever, walk around,

and then they come back to Echo Park where it's a little quieter to sleep, and they make a pit stop at the CVS at the end of the day. So it's basically it's like the last gas station to Vegas for homeless people. It's basically like Baker, Nevada of Los Angelesgas for homeless people yeah it's basically like baker nevada of los angeles for people without cars it's pretty bad yeah no yeah every time like it

looks like that like it's the human version of all like the homeless cats from that disney movie sea shanties by the trash cans it's the one convenience store in mad max it's just like a bunch of fucking it's fucking barter time dude there's a wheel you have to spin if you disrupt the group there's a man wearing shirts made out of hair you know oh man I got changed Harry

okay come on let's go behind the chain link fence yeah that was and then later I got high I couldn't remember Otto and George what did I call it? Oh, yeah. Tom was, we were watching Old Evening at the Improvs, and we were watching old Jeff Dunham videos.

Oh, yeah. Like before he was famous. And Tom was like, what's that other ventriloquist? He's really dirty. It's like Otis and Otter or something. It's like, it's like, it's like Odie and Phil Something like that I don't know Yeah so we

Yeah I was really Stuck on Otis It was like Otis and Milo and Otis Is it Milo and Otis With one of The cat has its hand

Up the dog's ass And it's just like Hey sweetheart How about you Fucking help me Find my way home Or whatever this movie's about Come on

Otis and Osmond I think Osmond Wasn't that The Green Goblin And the first Spider-Man? Tom just rattled off like two of the best time talk shows ever canceled. Yeah, like Otis and Osmond, the short-lived NBC replacement for Dr. Phil in the late 70s. Yeah. What was the other thing?

Diana Shore and Henry the Puppet or something. I don't know. So, yeah, we did that. Tom shaved his beard. Yeah, that beard was freaking me out last know. So, yeah, we did that. Tom shaved his beard. Yeah, that beard was freaking me out last night. Yeah, Tom got high, and he was just like, he kept saying, like, periodically, he'd just look off into space and be like, I need to shave my beard. Like, he just realized his beard was giving him cancer, and he just, you know.

Yeah, I walked in, and the first thing Tom said was, I need to shave my head. It's uneven. I'm just going to shave it all off. Yeah. Did you do that in the time that Isaac was outside? No, no, no, no, no. I need to continue shaving it. Oh, okay. It looks fine to me. I feel like once I fully shave it,

it'll make my head look more symmetrical. I don't know if there's anything that can do that. You know? More. Not symmetrical. Tommy, if you shave your head all the way, you're going to look like Mr. Clean's like retarded brother Yeah I'm the guy that makes the house dirty

For my brother I'm Mr. Dirty Mr. Dirty Use my magic marker To fuck up the walls You can pee places with me Mr. Dirty Hey I'm Mr. Dirty

I make the trash bags that puncture as soon as the corner of a cardboard box finds its side of the bag. I use coffee grounds as wallpaper. Mr. Dirty. I took a shit in the tub. I'm Mr. Daddy. Wow. Why am I doing that? It's in the name.

Mr. Dirty. I store my food in the oven and cook it in the fridge. Mr. Dirty. I still don't know. I've lived here for two years. I don't know if our oven works. I think it does, but I've never used it. That's fair.

I don't use the oven. Someone made that pumpkin bread that was expired that I ate that one time. Oh, yeah, that was Ramsey. So I guess it does work. Do you live alone or do you live with people? I live with four other people. Oh, okay.

Who do you live with? Do we know them? No. They're all comedy-adjacent people, except for one of them who's not at all and then one of their girlfriends lives with them which is why our house is clean uh she insists we have a chore chart now there's uh everything is not clean i mean i hope she doesn't listen to this because i i don't like i am the dirtiest person in the house by far like the way your house is is the way i hit you up to move in with us. Yeah, I would, you know...

Oh, I have a place to live. My name is on the lease and I'm stuck there for at least another, like, six months. You have a lease, you nerd. Yeah, well...

We just PayPal a guy that looks like Duke Nukem $2,500 every month and once a quarter he shows up with a terrifying ex-convict and rakes up the leaves. It's beautiful.

Yeah. Economy heaven. I mean, you know, it's just just we tried to look up who owns this house on the city of los angeles's website and they don't have any idea what if you're just squatting here and you don't know and we're just paying a dude to squat i think that might be what's happening yeah i mean there's a there's also a good chance that this is like fucking like a weird in-between land that doesn't belong to like you know any particular like unincorporated you know that's fair that's fair no idea but yeah we have a we have a chore chart and like some of the chores are just like vacuum the living room or whatever and like i'll do it you're supposed to

do the chores once a week which is too much already i think for some of them and then like i vacuum the living room and then like she'll come out and vacuum the living room two days later. I'm like, well, then why make me do it if you're going to do this anyway? I don't know a better girl. I actually care about this job. Yeah, I don't understand. I don't understand people who live in a clean house. I don't get it.

I don't understand why you would do that. It makes no sense to me. Yeah, well, because look, this is this is the basis of my friendship with Isaac, is just not respecting ourselves. You don't really, you really don't, it's the ultimate life hack. And me. Not respecting me is also part of it. That's the second level of the food pyramid. Stand-up comedy.

The Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Not respecting yourself. Not respecting others. Not respecting the industry. Not respecting Tom specifically. And then the very pinnacle is when you lose respect for the art form itself. And that's when you become truly enlightened. Like, yeah, we're just fucking clowns.

This doesn't change the world. Oh, man, I won. We had a house meeting recently. Nothing worse in the world than a house meeting. Yeah, and clearly everyone had planned it around me without my knowledge. Oh, we've been in the center of a few of those, friend. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm never necessary to be at the meetings.

I feel like every meeting I'm like, oh, yeah, I could be there two hours after we schedule it. I was like, nah, that's all right. Dude, I wish I could miss the house meeting. It's always just like, yo, this is like just a thinly veiled intervention for the fact that Connor is slowly killing himself with, you know, neglect. So like, but like, that's fine if you want to slowly kill yourself with neglect, but wipe the stove after. Yeah, I mean, I was just sitting on the couch and then suddenly all four of them walked in essentially at the same time. And I was just like, ah, shit. And they're're never none of us are always in the same place reservoir dog suits yeah man they're just like we need to talk about you know things what we like what's going

on in the house what we don't like that's going on in the house and just everything was stuff i do they're like so you need isaac your room is smelling yeah the uh the foot the uh basketball draft is getting a little loud that's just something we all need to keep in mind. Oh, I'm the only one who drafts fantasy basketball. Yeah, you know, just everybody. No, that was literally... One of the complaints was that I play 2K too loudly at night. I have to keep my voice down when I play 2K at 2 a.m.

I am too passionate about the game. We know you like talking to your pals on mic, but some of us have to work yeah another was that uh my room apparently smells and is smelling up the entire upstairs of the house and i have to clean it for that reason oh your room is smelling up the whole house they can't describe the smell i don't know what it smells like it smells like describe the smell i was like what does it smell like isaac lives in there yeah they couldn't tell me what it is i think it's just dirty clothes.

I don't think it smells that bad, but I quite did. I have no sense of smell. I'm from a dairy town, so I walked around every day being waterboarded by cow shit. So, like, I just don't notice smells, really. Yeah. I live in it, so I definitely don't notice it. But, yeah, they're like, it smells, and you have to. Anyway, it was a big meeting, and I was very unhappy.

And they're like, do you have any complaints? And I should have said something, but I was so beaten down i was just like no everything's great no i never do either i'm always just like i thought we were all really good friends you guys uh i don't know i guess maybe don't throw away my kale if it's in the freezer i like to freeze it so it blends easier but other than that you remember when you go into someone else's house for like the first time when you're a little kid knew it smelled different yeah yeah absolutely i still remember the smell of this one motherfucker's house i remember just walking in and being like how do they live like this this is insane this isn't the right smell i i knew a kid in elementary school whose mom was blind i

think and we went to i went to his birthday party at a bowling alley once we took his car and i just got and i was just like oh my god i think i was young enough that i said something to me i was just like your car smells weird yeah exactly fucking you just don't get what i still have not learned to not say this house smells weird unfortunately yeah i mean you know people gotta know did you ever play pranks on his blind mom no i was not i was like i was the one pity friend he had because he was such a weird kid oh okay his name was also hirsch which was bad because we got lumped together a lot oh yeah then you're kind of like oh shit this yeah but he was like he was like a middle eastern

hirsch he was like arabic and i was like i'm not that yeah yeah you were aggressively not yeah but people would be like ah you got the hirsch disease and i'd be like come on and they'd be like no no it's named after jordan i'd be like oh okay yeah yeah okay that'd be like, ah, you got the Hirsch disease. And I'd be like, come on. And they'd be like, no, no, no, it's named after Jordan. I'd be like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. That'd be like, yeah, you would have those situations. I think we probably all did when you were a kid, and you're just like, well, you and me, this other guy, it's like, well, look, it's not great,

and we don't necessarily like each other, but no one else is going to do this, so I guess we have to hang out. Yeah, exactly. We have nothing in common, but we are the three leftovers in the class. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely did some of that in middle school and elementary school and high school. So, you know. My move is in elementary school, I had like one friend a year. And then I would like weird them out. And then they would like ditch me the next year. And then they never knew me. Until finally in fifth grade, I just didn't have any friends. Everyone was like, yeah, we kind of got a bad reputation. How about this? like ditch me the next year until finally in fifth grade i just didn't have any friends everyone was

like yeah we kind of got a bad reputation about this in high school my whole friend group was just like guys who also played video games like we had or like guys who would like i assume in your case it'd be like yugioh or something right where it's just like you have nothing in common beyond the fact you all own nintendo ds's yeah have mario kart yeah it's just like man i don't enjoy playing like hanging out with these guys at all, but I do kick their ass at Mario Kart every morning. So I guess this is what friendship is. These are my friends now.

I had a group and we just kind of all developed together, which was a good and bad thing because we sort of found one another and then we just sort of stuck together. This definitely stunted our ability to exist in the world effectively because we just lived in an echo chamber where all you wanted to talk about was you

know the zombie survival guide and fucking you know the whatever weird fucking reality show we were watching on a and e you know like it was just kind of like we just insulated ourselves tom what were your high school friends like oh i, I kind of tuned out for a while. High school friends? Tom, you were also on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about other things. Pray tell, what were you thinking about?

I bet it's more interesting. Well, I mean, I was thinking about joke off and how many of the jokes are going to do well and then poor. And then I was like, oh, they're talking about something. I should listen. It was a lot of me telling me to listen to you guys. Yeah. But I could not actually doing the command, just realizing that you should do. Yeah.

Well, I was just like, I don't. I did. It said I'm a board. And then I thought about the cookies in the other room. And oh, the pipe. We should. Let me show you guys the pipe. We'll show Isaac Tom's new pipe. It's a board, and then I thought about the cookies in the other room. Oh, the pipe. Let me show you guys the pipe. We'll show Isaac Tom's new pipe, and then we'll start the next new joke. Go grab the pipe.

Let me set this up real quick first. I've been thinking about buying a fedora, and I'm going to be completely honest with the listeners because they had my back. It was mostly to fuck with Keith. That was the reason I wanted the fedora because because i wanted to wear it during mean boys recordings so i've said my podcasting hat we can't stop exactly podcasting hat exactly i thought it would be a funny bit and key loses like you don't understand tom leaves the hat inside a dunkin donuts right before they close and he has to like reach under the steel gate. No! He was like, you don't understand the kind of people who wear fedoras,

and you can't do that. I was like, no, I can't. It'll be a Mean Boys fedora. I'm going to get a Hot Wheel Flames on it. Oh, God. Like a Guy Fieri fedora? Yeah, I'm really going to go for it. You want to look like the trombone player in a 45-year-old guy's ska band?

Well, there's nothing wrong with ska. It was all... Oh, I forgot we have a skapologist here. It was all in the effort to just upset Keith. And then the other day, someone was like, I smoke a pipe and I enjoy smoking a pipe. And I was like, you know what I'm going to do impulsively? Tom was at his meeting of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, yeah, these guys got it figured out. I out i was just like i'm also gonna buy a pipe so i buy the pipe and i get the pipe and i hold the pipe and i'm like ah i just i feel like a bad dude like i

like it i just look like a psycho holding the pipe a bad dude in the good sense or the bad sense like the kind of guy who makes a kid to punch it. So not the kind of bad dude who saves the president, like the kind of guy. No, no. Like an evil dude. Not like 90s bad, like 50s bad. Much more Moriarty than Holmes with your big pipe. Yeah, I'm Holmesy.

Yeah, Tom's going to go get the pipe. And Tom's like, yeah, I don't know if it's better for me. I think it is. And I'm like, yeah, Tom, I couldn't tell you. We'd have to call a doctor from 200 years ago. I don't think. Holy shit. Right. That is huge. It's it's about it's about what? A foot and a half, maybe almost two feet long. Dude, I was two feet. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like fucking like Renee McGree. And I'm just like, that's not a pipe. This is a pipe. Yeah, here's the problem. As weird as I look,

don't twirl it like you're fucking leading a marching band. It's too long, Tom. There is no reason a pipe... This seems like a novelty pipe. Gandalf smoked one of these. Yeah, he's also a fictional character. Yeah. He's an old man wizard.

But here's the problem. I really enjoy the taste of smoking a pipe now. Yeah, but get a regular pipe. That's just... This pipe is great. I got a smaller pipe. It sucks ass. It looks like a slide whistle.

It looks like it should make a zany sound effect every time you smoke out of it. We should make a pipe that's also a slide whistle for slapstick comedians. Look, after the podcast, we're going to smoke this together. I've never smoked before in my life, so I don't want to start with a zany pipe. Yeah, no, it doesn't count if it looks stupid. If it makes you look cool, then it's dangerous because then you realize, oh, this will complete my image. But this just makes you look like a fool. What a way to start this would be, Isaac.

That's like going right to heroin. I have to decline. I'm not going to be at a party and saying, hey, we're going to smoke some weed out of be, Isaac. That's like going right to heroin. I have to decline. That's like being 14 at a party and saying, hey, we're going to smoke some weed out of a soda can. That's cool. I brought my fucking own white china to shoot up with in the backyard. Is it weird that as a kid I never got offered to smoke weed with people, but everyone offered to do heroin with me?

Did people really offer you to do heroin? A lot, yeah. I've never had anyone offer me heroin. No. Yeah, like probably a half dozen times before someone offered me to smoke some 420 with them. You know what? The fact that no one's offered to do

heroin with me is really proving that I'm not interacting with the Mean Boys fans. I've been neglecting you guys. I apologize. And now you're like walking around with it all like jaunty. Like you're the bitch of Buckingwald walking around the fucking concentration camp deciding which person to turn into a lamp today.

You ever see those Native American clubs that have the little knot on top? Oh, yeah. Kind of like a shillelagh or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds Irish, but yeah. It is Irish, but I don't know what those... I know what you're talking about. I don't know what they're called.

That's what it looks like. It's pretty... I mean, if you hold it like that, it looks like a goddamn question mark or a big apostrophe. Well, yeah, if you hold it from the part you hit out of, it's got the little bowl at the end. It looks like you're going to go put out candles and drink. You know? All right, now we feed. The ritual is complete.

Yeah, so Tom got a pipe. I've been growing out my fall depression beard. But once every year and a half, I try to grow out some facial hair. I can't do it. How long has that been growing, what you have on your face? It's probably six days. Aw, damn, dude. I mean, I can't grow facial hair either, but mine shows up.

Yeah, no. What happens is I just look blurry when I grow a beard. I look like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, and if you look at me from the distance, you're like, is that a human being in low resolution? Is that like a digital camera from 2006 picture of a guy that's become real? I have the same level of texture and shading as a golden eye character when I have a beard. Good Lord. Yeah.

I mean, if you hadn't said I'm growing out a beard, I wouldn't have noticed, really. Yeah. Did you trim it up or something? I shaved my neck. It grows in thick as fuck on my neck yeah i can see it starting there a little bit just shave this 20 minutes ago my neck grows in like dark and thick and fierce oh i'm the same thing that's that's how i know i'm genetically fucking designed to be a shut-in that excludes himself from the gene pool you know i have the

fucking neck beard dna marker you know which means my ancestors probably played some kind of stone tablet-based card game and didn't breed. Yeah. Well, speaking of necks, the Mexican joke off, everybody. Should we get into it? Hi, so topical. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure.

Ay-ya-ya. Ay-ya-ya. Yeah. Okay. I'll take us away this week uh i actually kind of tried and they're still pretty bad i just want to say that however long connor says he spent on his jokes i spent one minute less than that i spent about i spent about an hour and a half on him oh i spent really i did yeah that's more to the last year combined no i mean oftentimes i do well the

problem is i've just been i've been writing jokes for about 10 hours a day for the last year combined no i mean oftentimes i do well the problem is i've just been i've been writing jokes for about 10 hours a day for the last two weeks uh including weekends too just for other like ghostwriting projects and shit i've gotten hit up for so i'm pretty i i don't really know what comedy is anymore i'm like it has not made me better at it yeah so uh i'll take us away a shocking expose from inside ICE's largest detention center reported that guards call attempted suicides, quote, failures. Even more sickening, they call farts, poosies, and pooping making browns. A promising golfer was stabbed to death.

A hole in one. More like a bunch of holes in one lady. Hot cha-cha-cha. Yeah. Hole in one? More like a bunch of holes in one lady. Ha-cha-cha-cha. Yeah. Did your family have any weird nicknames for bodily functions? Do you have any of that? No. We used to call farting, my mom would say, you stepped on a duck.

That's so whimsical, yeah. We called breastfeeding knee. What? What the fucking shit are you talking about? Yeah. Knee? Yeah. Like the body part? Use it in a sentence. what what the fucking shit are you talking about yeah knee yeah like the body part use it in a sentence

like my little sister would be like I want it my mom would be like you want a knee and they're like yeah knee knee

knee and then she'd breastfeed them you know I actually kind of I mean they were they were breastfeeding ages I don't know what that means in the Goss family

that could be two or seven I think I think like I stopped when I was like two and then I think some of my siblings, I think my youngest sibling went to like four or something. That's pretty late. Yeah.

That's not surprising. I guess, you know, we called breastfeeding a giggy because my sister like me a giggy. Worst Lil Wayne song ever. My sister was very verbal even though she didn't speak words. She was a sound motherfucker?

Yeah, she'd be Oogie. She talked like a Sims character? Oogie was milk and Oogie was giver of milk, which is my mom. What? I don't like that you have written formal definitions for this. Oogie was giver of milk which is my mom i don't like that you have written formal definitions for this oogiggy giver of milk fuck off with it that's so haunting were you raised

on some kind of like farmland like religious compound no no my parents were just librarians so we had to like formally librarians both of them yeah whoa dude they must have had the world's quietest sex well not i mean they meet in the library yeah they met in library school in library there's a library school yeah it's where you study library science yeah that's it's great it's grad school for librarians i know it sounds fun like library school sounds like a fucking porn genre or something but it's uh yeah it's just boring ass library grad school what i mean you know the alphabet what else do you really need i feel like i don't fucking i mean apparently it's like all information science according to them they my mom explained it to me once and i

just sort of ignored it because it was so boring but like there's a lot to learn i guess as a library science person yeah whereas you spend your life focusing on you know more intellectual pursuits like uh make sure the hat riots are properly citated on Wikipedia. Hey, my parents are very proud of me for that. Okay. That probably was. They probably put that on the fridge, right? Yep.

A Tennessee man attacked his son with a chainsaw but ended up losing his leg when his son ran him over with a riding mower. This was later revealed to just be viral marketing for the new horror movie Loverface vs. the Lawnmower Man. I do hate when you see a cool, fun, like, wow, what a spontaneous video. Then you realize, oh, you can see the logo of that shoe. This is all fake. They did that with this kind of shoe when they made that fake running on water video, where these guys were like,

they claimed to figure out how to run 10 steps on water, and it was just a viral marketing campaign for this shitty Vibram knockoff. But everyone was like, whoa, running on water. You can do it for a week. And then they're like, whoa, running on water. You can do it for like a week. And then they're like, ah, we got you. All right.

India has been hit with the biggest outbreak of the head-shrinking Zika virus to date. The country surgeon general told the press, it looks like everybody's using Goldeneye cheat codes

out here. Because it shrinks your head. I thought it made your head bigger. Is there a shrink your head in Goldeneye? I thought it shrunk your head. I know I called it

reverse Joe Dosh syndrome a long time ago to mock his large head. Okay, the classic video game should use big head mode where everyone just has enormous heads. Everyone's Mr. Mackey from South Park. I think there was also a tiny head in GoldenEye, too, but I could be wrong. That'd be interesting. I remember that was one of the first sandbox cheat code kind of games where you'd be like, Whoa, we can make the rockets freeze in midair, and that's cool for some reason.

Yeah, I think Zika shrinks your head. That's not what we were arguing. We were arguing about whether it happens in Goldeneye. No, Zika definitely shrinks your head. No, I don't know about that James Bond stuff. I don't know about your big city James Bond games. Now, I may just be a simple country Zika haver, but... I'm just a simple country plague victim.

Never wanted no trouble from nobody. Drunk birds have become a problem in Europe. We all enjoy getting crunk and listening to Lil Jon, but now from the windows to the walls, a description of pigeon genocide. What? Damn it. I think I misunderstood the premise or something.

Birds are crashing in the walls? Yeah, birds are getting drunk. They tend to kill themselves by flying into windows. Really? They're getting drunk by drinking alcohol? So apparently there's a berry

that fermented too much and the birds aren't migrating the way they're supposed to. So all the berries have fermented and then they're just getting drunk off eating these berries. So the birds are like, somebody spiked the punch, man! Yeah, they're just getting drunk off eating these berries and then the birds are like somebody spiked the punch man yeah they're just like flying around waste and like they're

apparently drunk two people like they're fucking yeah i uh falling over and shit we had this pigeon kind of crash land on our street when we were kids we lived on this cul-de-sac and uh it ate like a pesticide so it was throwing up so like a pigeon like it was we thought it was dead in the gutter and then it gets up it starts waddling around and then it just like literally like a pesticide so it was throwing up so like a pigeon like it was we thought it was dead in the gutter and then it gets up it starts waddling around and then it just like literally like a like a person just like like doubles over and barfs you know and like this there's a hungover pigeon that we tried to nurse back to health and then all the parents yelled at us oh you're gonna get pigeon AIDS we're like but it's sad and we went and tried to help it just was dead oh fuck yeah what a sad story yeah magical times There was also a time when a bird

like hatched early and then fell out of its nest and it's like skin was all clear and you could see it like bleeding internally. And we're just all standing around looking at it at like 12 years old just like fuck. That would have really traumatized me. Life is a bitch, dude. A Florida

gas station has posted a sign warning customers not to heat up urine in the microwave. Wow, I guess we know where they airlifted those mountain goats to. Nice. Wow, a callback to an episode you weren't even on. Wow, dude. Look at the big brain on Hirsch. Isaac really, like, fucking doing the research.

I know. I don't even have a callback to the last episode. That's what i would do if i was ever like on adam carolla or something is i would just be doing it like talking about shit they did in 2006 i'd be like hey uh can i talk to isaac hayes really quick like uh yeah i guess i'm like oh it's so cool yeah the thing about listening to a podcast that you end up on is that you don't want to like come off too much like you know too much about the podcast yeah because if you if you come off as a fan then you know that that's that just gives us fuel to mock you yeah yeah i just listen

sometimes oh okay it's fine it's it's okay i'm i'm very flattered you like the show i'll take what i can get all right hell yeah dude i mean in a world where it's gotten popular enough that people are starting to tweet me things that i find very upsetting anybody that's cool that i like and respect that thinks it's funny, I'm like, oh, thank God. It's not just that guy who sends me news articles about, hey, did you see that this horse fucked this kid to death? Thought of you.

I'm like, yeah. Thanks, man. Glad you like the show. Yeah, I listen in between hitting my girlfriend and working. Okay, well, take care. Don't cancel your patreon pledge but stop doing that connor i tried to call you i tried to write you you just have stan oh a stan yeah no i don't think i would be i don't think i would get the stan letter i think uh keith and tom would more

get that i think people see me as more of a uh more of a bonding agent for the elements of the show that they enjoy they're like well connor too much, but he is the only one who knows how to computer work. He's a reluctant part of the program. Tens of thousands of people marched in France to demand action on climate change. The UN's climate report stated that by 2035, it would be too warm for black and white striped turtlenecks. That's what got the thousands of people mobilized in the streets, is they couldn't wear their favorite outfit. I missed it.

It's just... A joke about the French. It was a bad joke about what French people wear. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Here's a bear leave.

It replaced a worse joke about a bear that's a detective, so I think... There's no real winners in that. Is that the news story or the punchline of the joke? That'd be the punchline. Ah, damn.

Okay. The news story was about Putin killing some journalist or something. All right. Here's a joke about Venom. You guys know Venom? The movie? What do you think it is? I hope it's a joke about Venom

the substance, but I'm eagerly listening either way. The substance, the character of the film based on the latter. Alright. It's the substance as a film. Venom broke box... Ah, fuck. Brenham... My phone keeps sliding around. You said Brenham. Venom broke box Ah fuck My phone keeps sliding around You said Brenham

Venom broke box office records Good news for anyone who loves comic books And hates good movies It was bad Brenham Yeah I'm gonna fill you up with Brenham This was one of the jokes I was thinking about While you guys were talking about like French dip

Or whatever it was We guys were talking about. Yeah, we weren't talking about hoagies, you fat idiots. We weren't just talking, oh, they give you that tub full of meat sauce. It was either French dip or French shit, but I couldn't remember which one it was. It's French chewing tobacco. It's just a man's cum that they attach to a salvia leaf. Here's one thing that's great about the pipe. The tobacco is, like, they got different flavors and shit.

Tom, you described a vape. Almost like vaping. Well, Tom has literally tried every... I don't like the flavor of, I don't like, the vape is just like,

ah, here's a, just like sucking on a giant strawberry. Like, here's strawberry cum. Breathe it out now. It's just pure, liquid fucking... You're right, Tom.

That does sound silly. You should smoke your two-foot pipe. Yeah, how ridiculous. You're much better off walking around like you're about to solve a mystery. I'm always solving mysteries. It's great because you have the pipe of... You don't have enough deductive reasoning to have that pipe. Because I've seen you try to figure out where you left your free Anaheim Ducks hat,

and it takes you an hour and a half you know you're not solving murders well i was high and i thought my brain fell out of my head that that's it that was you might have been on to something there all right a bottle of french wine from 1945 fetched a record 558 000 at auction in new york on saturday however the winner was disappointed after the bottle immediately started shredding itself. Aw, Banksy, come on. Again? You're in the wine game now, guy.

Come on, some people are just trying to collect art. That's my favorite joke in a while. I enjoyed that very much. I like that Banksy did the whole shredding the art thing as like a statement, and then I read an article, and it's like, the shredded art is now worth more. Banksy's got to be like, God damn it. Did you see? I watched Exit Through the Gift Shop probably more than I've seen any other movie for some reason.

I've watched it quite a few times. Me and my friends just love watching that movie. And, yeah, like, there's a part where he made, like, the princess die, like, English pound note. And you realize he's like, oh, I thought this would be a funny joke. And then I realized that counterfeited half a million quid. And I'm like, holy shit. Have you ever seen, like seen that picture of the guy that they think is Banksy? Yeah, he's like a

British dude. He's just like an old... He looks like a guy who just gets drunk and watches sports. Yeah. That's cool. That's kind of how I imagine he'd look. Yeah. Part of me thinks that he's in the background in one of the scenes for Exit Through the Gift Shop. Maybe, yeah. Because it would make... like, if you, like,

knew, because there's got to be people who, like, knows that circle, and then if there's, like, one dude who's always around but then he's not in the movie, they're like, ah, I know who it is, you know? Well, you see his, like, little Santa workshop, and you're like, well, there's definitely a team of people that know who he is. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So,

I don't know. It's kind of interesting. He's like the anonymous of art. Yeah. Or yeah we're hitting you with the top internet analysis of 2011 guys the mean boys are gonna solve who banksy is by the end of this episode we're gonna figure it out yeah well how crazy would be it was me the whole time if you're a banksy yeah it would be impossible that's what banksy wants you to think, man. Because at 12 years old, you couldn't have been flying to England and hanging out with Shepard Fairey. The level of organization and planning. You don't really know how old I am. You know how old I tell you I am.

Okay. A gay penguin couple in Sydney have been given an egg to look after. If they don't break it for one week, then they'll get an A on their home economics final. Yeah, they just gave them an egg, and one of them sits on it, the other one watches over it. It's kind of sweet. That's nice. Yeah, it's pretty cute. That's a heartwarming news story about gay penguins. Yeah, I mean, they're just kind of like BFF.

I don't know if they buttfuck each other, but they do just hang. They're like the Connor and Keith of penguins. So there's a lot of fan fiction of the penguins fucking each other? There's a lot of drawings of the penguins blowing each other and biking. A couple got drunk on their honeymoon

and bought the hotel they were staying at. Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Adam Sandler were all fighting to the death of the movie rights. Boo! Boo! That's two movie jokes in a row, Tom Yeah, that's not great

Bad, Tom Go, Isaac! Okay, researchers have realized that the oldest human bones ever discovered Belong to a child that was eaten by a giant bird It turns out that in the past, dorks actually took babies away Oh, well done, dude I love it, that's great It turns out that in the past, storks actually took babies away. Oh, well done, dude. I love it.

That's great. The fucking stork baby, Rob. Hey, nice kid. Be ashamed if someone scooped it up in its big-ass mouth and turned him into a pellet. Just a bunch of storks carrying empty bindles, waiting to, like, pick up children in them. Yeah, yeah. Just using them as, like, little, like, nets. Man, yeah. They're just using them as little nets. Man, yeah.

How did the whole stork thing happen? What was the... You'd think I would know that, but I don't. I have no idea. I guess I do think that if anybody... Yeah, I kind of thought

you would, too. At first, I was like, why is Connor asking... Oh, it's Isaac. And Isaac would go, well, late 18th century English childbearing... After the pterodactyl died,

someone needed to replace it. Yeah. I bet it's of actually more modern vintage than you would think. I bet it actually came into the culture. Like 1950s, 1940s. Like early 20th century or something like that. With a lot of this shit, it was a cigarette commercial. They just took fire.

Coca-Cola created the stork. The bird itself. After they bought Santa Claus, they had a team of fucking genetic engineers to make a bird that could scoop up fish and act as a toilet for the Flintstones. And then they later used that. It's a living. Campaign. That'd be so great. All right, guys.

And finally, Facebook lost 30% of its value since July. The company's CFO blames the loss on a changing social media landscape in the Farmville Dust Bowl. Yeah, dude. The Grapes of Wrath has happened. Does anyone still play Farmville? I don't know if it still exists. I bet old people still play it all the time. Dude, I thought about playing Farmville the other day.

I was just like, all right. Just recently, Tom was like, I'm going to become the number one Mafia Wars guy on Facebook. You know what's funny? I've re-looked at Mafia Wars. It's a different game now. Really? Yeah.

I played that when I first got on Facebook. Me too. And all my high school friends were like, Connor, stop sending me this notification so you can get an extra cup of coffee or something to get me to that point.

I played Zynga Poker. I still play that every once in a while. What the fuck is that? It's Facebook poker. It's the people who made Farmville, but they also like a poker game.

Oh, okay. I was in my nascent gambling addiction and I didn't realize what was happening to me. Gambling addictions are the funniest form of addiction to me. Oh, absolutely. I had a whole bit just like...

I couldn't really convey... Well, not my grandparents. I couldn't convey to the audience how stupid it is to be addicted to gambling, whereas other addictions, you give people money and then they give you drugs, and that's the transactional nature of drug addiction. As a gambling addict, I give

them money and then I just don't have money anymore. I't even for gambling you're like a finn cuck yeah i'm glad i don't have like the money to gamble more i don't right now but i'm about to get a job and i will again i won 70 bucks on slots in oklahoma i saw that yeah for me like the clothes i came to gambling is when my buddy ryan told me to buy bitcoin during the big bitcoin you know surge of last year yeah and i was just i felt so hopeless in my life and i was just like i'm literally i'm trapped in this mountain of dead all right i have no prospects i hate this life i've created for myself and what i have to do to maintain it. I resent every aspect of my fucking waking existence. This is a long shot, but fuck it.

This is a good chance of working is making it in show business. So I'll just put my last $500 into Bitcoin and hope that it turns into $750 so I can buy snacks. How did it turn out? I cashed out like $30 a head because I got nervous. Nice. I lost like $1,000 a head because I got nervous. Nice. I lost like $1,000 on cryptocurrency. Oh, really?

Did you go to Abbey Roberge's Bitcoin seminar? He had a Facebook invite, too. No, Jesus. Abbey Roberge and Ari Maness were like, come take a cryptocurrency investing seminar from the two dudes who buy ill-advised streetwear that work at the comedy store come yeah i mean look how do you think we afford our tijuana hookers it's only through cryptocurrency oh yeah no i like those guys it was just funny i was like guys this is i feel like doesn't end great for everybody yeah i mean i uh dan nolan gave me some hot investment tips and my roommate

also gave me some hot investment tips and i forgot that my roommate like has just loves losing money that's like his thing yeah so yeah he showed me this french guru who's like look this guy has all the tips and stuff and then like i went into like his fucking discord or whatever he's just like oh this is a cult this is like literally a cult for sure oh i mean like my high school buddy uh that we met out in vegas uh the oh yeah yeah he was like a big day trader for a while you know and he had like these huge ten thousand dollar swings he'd be posting about it on Facebook and telling you about his investment strategies and take my course and blah, blah, blah. And then we met him in Vegas and he was living in his car doing background work for porn.

Oh, man. He literally was like, yeah, I'm going to see. He basically was the guy that got cucked in the browser scene that came out that day. So I went and shared that with my old like high school friends group. And I was like, hey, remember our buddy from theater? Yeah, he's getting cucked in porn now. Here's the guy who famously, when we were playing Yu-Gi-Oh! one time, he's like this big black dude.

You just wouldn't have pegged him for a Yu-Gi-Oh! guy. I sure didn't. Yeah, he was like a musician. He was an actor. He was just kind of like a creative guy. He wrote stuff in English class. And he was just kind of this weird big football know just the last guy you'd expect to have you get he walks up and he goes yo dog you got a trip lay down some trap cards or something you need to

protect your life points this big like fucking world star hip-hop reaction to the duel one of the best moments of my life and now he like lives in a car and like sells stocks i don't know so if you're uh if you're out there buddy i love I hope you're doing good. I'll hit him up after this. Tom, your turn, I think. No, I... No, you got one more joke, dude. Oh, I do? Yeah.

Wow. You want one of mine? I got one about Kim Jong-un and his Rolls Royce Phantom. Yeah, what's... What a... Hang on. I'm looking over at Tom's phone and it's just a blank white screen. Is it really?

Yeah, I don't know if it was like slowly loading or what. It's just a blank screen. Okay, Tom, think quick. What happened in the news? Kanye did something or other. Man, that would be a bad time. A cyclist in bright colors was shot by a hunter in France. There hasn't been a misfire like that since Connor came on himself because

his dad walked into the room. Oh, yeah. I told Tom about the time my dad walked in on me masturbating. In UK. Scared the cum out of me. I can't believe that was mostly me. Like, how is this not come up on the regular episode? I couldn't believe I'd never heard that story before. I know, yeah. Well, he just

walked in and I was jerking off in the living room like an only child does. And you're just like, Dad! And I'm just like, Zoink, Scoop! Well, it's just so funny because you're always like, I can't come. I can't come. No, I guess that's why. I can't come. But Dad comes and I come. Well, it's because I've jacked off so much. I've killed all but three

nerve endings in my penis, so it's basically just a fucking inanimate object at this point. It's got the texture of an old man's walking staff from a fantasy novel. Yeah. Connor and I have also bonded over our similarly broken penises. Yeah, yeah. That's, you know, this is what it takes to fucking be friends, you know,

with the Mean Boys hosts, because you've got to connect. What was I going to say? Tyler also told me that he had blue balls. Okay, you've got to tell this story. You've got to just give us a cliff note to this, because you told me that he had blue balls okay you got to tell this so you got to just give us a cliff note to this because you told me this last night i forgot about it i think i'm gonna bring back the bit so i'm not gonna do the bit version but there was when i first got a relationship uh i like in my head i was like she didn't want to hook up at first i was like that's fine but i'm not gonna jerk off either i gotta save the nut for her

for some reason that was a thing in my head. What a gentleman. That's what every girl wants her first time out is to just drown in it. I'm going to save the nuts. And then I got blue balls. I didn't know what blue balls was. It would really fucking hurt. And then I thought I had ball cancer.

And then after a couple weeks of that, I also looked up the symptoms of ball cancer. I was like, it doesn't hurt. And I was like, wow, my ball cancer must be really bad. It still hurts. And you got multiple ultrasounds and tests? Yeah, I went to an ultrasound. I got codeine.

They prescribed me painkillers. I had the same thing when I was a kid. I thought that I had testicular cancer, but I just had bad gas pains. And then I farted a bunch and felt better. And my mom was like, you idiot. Wait, you had stomach pain from your balls? Wait, what? I just had gas pains.

In your balls? No, it felt like they were in my balls. It was in this region. So I thought, oh, maybe I got testicular cancer. Why is your stomach behind your balls? It works its way down, you know, and it just kind of hurts the whole, like, abdomen area, like the Don Tian area from, you know, where chi is stored, according to Chinese monks.

Wow, you've really lost me here. Yeah, I'm on Isaac's side. Your balls are weird, dude. I was revealing some of my weird GeoCities browsing habits from the other day where I thought I could give myself superpowers by concentrating hard enough. I sort of get that. I've gotten really into this Christian cult.

They're very small. I've been watching their YouTube videos. The fuck is this show anymore? And their whole thing is that, you know, they do exorcisms and shit, but they don't do it like, I demand this demon come out. They do it like it's a court proceeding.

So we now ask permission to enter the courts of heaven. Lord, we want to enter your courts. Demons that are here because of the sins of land defilement, you've lost your legal right. You must come out because you've lost your legal right to this body you must leave and the demons are looking through their books and they're like oh god they got us yeah when you're done you're done that sucks that's a cult that literally went what have we made exorcisms the only cool thing about christianity fucking boring yeah i love it i watch it to fall asleep wow Wow, that's great.

Yeah. And I also had a thing where I, one time, this is just a separate story, it reminded me of my mom, is one time the toilet upstairs was broken and I forgot and I took a shit in it and me and my mom had to get like chopsticks and like fish my shit out and carry it downstairs in a cup. Chopsticks were the best thing you had? Well, because what else were we going to use? A trash bag.

Like a plastic cup. A bag. Get a bag. Yeah, get a bag. Well, because what else were we going to use? A trash bag. Like a plastic cup. A bag. Get a bag. Yeah, get a bag. Well, for some reason we used a cup. You know how when a dog shits and then you pick it up with a cup? I think we used it to like scoop it up. It was just a whole.

I guess that makes sense. Why? The chopsticks thing is the most improbable part of the story. It's like you're the fucking karate kid learning how to like. It was like I was picking up a big egg roll. You can pick up shit with chopsticks. You can chop a man in the head. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Alright, here's

my last joke. A man was arrested after he's found sleeping on a park bench next to 18 bags of meth. Best of luck to Keith's new stepdad. He's made him into a little pillow. Go to sleep. When we do the episode with Keith's mom, I'm going to try to marry her.

I think that's the move. Yeah, I mean, honestly, you probably have, she'll probably see you and have like a full like fucking 1980s mom. I've already promised Keith I'm not going to try to fuck her. I don't want to do that. Well, you won't have to try. I just want to marry her. I did the platonic marriage.

Yeah, a sexless marriage. Yeah, that was bound to happen with me anyway yeah yeah i think we're all you know i think all three of us all three of us all three of us are destined for a sexless marriage we're just gonna be on a porch just like i think we're gonna get really into football yeah let's yeah is carter still married to that fat jewish woman that yells at him all day yeah he loves it you know he just helps her solve her problems all the time. They never have to have sex. It's a great relationship. Oh, yeah.

He's got a whole study where he can jack off and to get in, you have to go through all the doors that Get Smart does in the intro so that he has time

to put it away if she comes to ask him to, you know, fucking jumpstart her car or whatever. It's fucking awesome. All right, guys. That was the Mexican joke off.

The Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after this alright are you guys having a good time chuckle knuckles alright it's time for your next comedian a guy who was on TV 10 years ago

that no one has ever heard of before hey there folks you might be sitting going hey what's celebrity I look like doing here but don't worry I look more like if a noun verb and unrespected occupation. I'm part nationality in part nationality, which makes me two stereotypes. My girlfriend is always doing something reasonable, and I'm always like, if you can do that,

I should be able to do something that is upsetting to you. I mean, who do you think you are, name-famous trans woman? You can't just go around doing things men do all the time. You get womanly bodily function. You can't go around doing basic job while bodily function happens to you if you body function at that job occupation you might get blood on a noun i've been trying to lose weight so that group of people who are typically attractive don't keep mistaking me for group group of people who are typically gross.

I mean, the other day I was at a place where fat people go, and the person who worked there tried to help me the way they'd help a fat person. I was like, oh boy, I need to start going to the noun to do some verbs. Oh boy, I need to start going to the noun to do some verbs or I'm going to get as large as a large noun, fat. Do you ever try to coitus well, fat? It's a nightmare. You're trying to verb, verb, verb, noun, verb, noun, verb, adverb, verbing noun, adjective, verb, adjective, noun, verb, verb. And I'm like, hey, if you wanted better, you should have verbed a black guy. Thank you. I'll be selling my Believe to Achieve shirts after the show.

I just want to inspire you. Breaking news on the Mean Boys podcast. We just found out Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande broke up. The news came in 41 minutes ago.

It was tweeted out by TMZ. Yeah, cray cray. Yeah, I have no opinions or feelings on this matter. I just thought

it'd be fun to do breaking news on something that will have happened two days ago. When I was doing Roast Battle, I was writing for Blake Griffin a little bit. And I was in his trailer going over his set with him or whatever. And then I walk out and I'm going back to the fucking theater where they're shooting.

And then he calls me back over for a second to ask me about something. And I'm talking to him or whatever. And then he goes, holy shit. And I turn around. I'm like, what? And he's like, and it's Ariel Grande running around. And I'm like, holy shit. And me and Blake Griffin like what and he's like and it's ariana grande running around and i'm like holy shit and me and blake griffin are looking at each other like that's so weird i'm like wait this is weird you're blake griffin it's always weird when a famous person sees a slightly more famous person they have like the

same reaction you would i'm like you're pretty much there dude like this and i'm like it's weird that i'm being starstruck by her with you you So that was a fun little thing I got to share with Blake Griffin that one time. But anyway, it's time for a round of one of our favorite games once again. Boys, let's play Witch of the Fall. This game comes to us. Boys, cracks real bad on that. Woo-woo! Woo-woo!

Tom, for a gigantic man who's essentially nothing but testosterone and fucking misfiring synapses, you are an oddly cracky voice. I'm not. See, I'm not as filled with testosterone as people think. I feel like people either think I'm like a poetry dude or just like i fight people on the street for fun like you've camped a little testosterone down with sour candy gelatin which is uh as everybody knows it blocks the receptors so yeah i just enjoy pugilism and poetry only because he chose a large one so if he'd chosen the extra sour ones it would have

negated no i took both the speedball you know, then Tom got high and he started eating them. And he's like, these aren't as sour as I remember. They weren't. I wonder if the pipe destroyed some of my taste buds. Because it is. This is Tom's Twilight Zone episode. I finally found the way I like to smoke. But it stops me from enjoying sour.

It's not fair. It's not fair. There was time now. Time enough to eat. When did you ever not have enough time? You haven't had a job since I've known you. Don't worry about it. I had a job when we first met.

I know. I'm just kidding. What was your job when you first met Connor? I think I was still working at the gas station at that point. Okay. Or maybe I just quit. Maybe. And then I did Uber and Lyft, which isn't really a job.

And by the way, when I first met Tom, he was driving for Lyft, and I get into his car, and it looked like he was driving around the set of the movie Hostel. Just blood and wrappers and various chains. And he was like, oh, yeah, no, I scooped some of that out a little bit for the passengers. I say, help yourself to the basket full of severed fingers. All right. Actually, I wonder if I was working in the kitchen when we first met. Maybe.

The kitchen was terrible. Yeah, maybe. Which of the following? Yeah, you might have been in the kitchen. I enjoyed the kitchen. We're going to play when we first met. Maybe. Which of the following? Kitchen was terrible. Yeah, maybe. Which of the following? Yeah, you might have been in the kitchen. I enjoyed the kitchen. We're going to play which of the following? No one's been complaining that the show... Oh, and I was coaching lacrosse that time.

I'm so excited for this game, Connor. Every once in a while I make an offhanded remark and Tom just has to go fact check it. And then he will make outlandish claims. And the only reason I don't fact check them is because I don't have nine hours to tell him everything that's wrong with his statement. This one comes to us from one of our favorite listeners. He's doing dog sitting. All right. Okay.

Cool. Yeah. Not like kids, but dogs. Yeah, I got that from dog sitting. Would you do a bunch of the following already? I didn't think you were dog sitting a kid. You were going and putting out a bowl of kibble for a nine-year-old. This one comes to us

from at Maddie underscore Hallman. Hey, I've been listening to your podcast in an inordinate amount lately. It makes me laugh, which I appreciate. I send clips to my boyfriend from time to time, so if you guys ever come back to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, parentheses where I go to school, I can drag him with me to see the show since we'll have some familiarity. I loved Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh was great. It was one of my favorite places. Everybody had too good of a time in Pittsburgh. Yeah, well, I had a great time during the show. And then afterwards, that's when I was in a relationship. And everyone was like, we're disappearing to do things. And I'm like, yeah, I'm here. I'm going to ignore.

I'm going to watch hockey intently as drunk people try to hit on me, I think. You're going to watch what? Oh, hockey. Tom had one beer, watched hockey with nobody because no one wanted to talk to him about it because everyone was too horny. Yeah. And then, yeah, he had to retire alone for the evening.

Well, I stayed out until six in the morning and then flew back to L.A. for my JFL showcase. And I was like, hey, should I have my drink here? And everyone's like, yeah. I'm like, I got the drink. They're like, we're all leaving with different people. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna be faithful to this girl that's gonna break up with me in three weeks. Hey, Tom,

so I know it's your special night or whatever. I gotta go play pool with the girl that has all the piercings. So I'm sorry Happy birthday or whatever Anyway So Anyways you guys talk about people submitting games

So I decided to make a widget the following Instead of any of my class work because priorities It's all Darwin Awards winners Every year people do dumb shit that's so dumb it gets them killed And some of them receive a Darwin Award for doing something so stupid We're all relieved that they're no longer part of the gene pool Enjoy I guess whatever Fuck everything God is dead.

Thanks for explaining the Darwin Awards to us. I was not on the internet in 2002, so... He was on the internet in 2002? I think it's like an early internet thing. 2002's a little too early, but, you know, you get the idea. Maybe, yeah. This was happening while I was playing Beyond Games. My uncle explained it to me a couple years ago.

Alright, so 2010 round. He gets high a lot. 2010 round. Which of the a lot. 2010 round. Which of the following is not a real Darwin Award winner? A, a couple parked in the right-hand lane under heavy fog in a very busy freeway so they could have sex and were hit by a cargo truck. B, two men put four gallons of methane into a barrel, sat on top of it, and lit it on fire. It also describes Keith and I's road trip where we got California burritos. Come on, farts, guys. Yeah.

Gas from burritos. C, a man installed an electric fence around his car to protect her from robberies, accidentally left it on, and died of electric shock. Imagine electrifying your entire car. That's amazing. You just put a whole little wrapper on it. I enjoy that. D, a woman attempting to take a picture of a crocodile on a boat leaned over the side,

fell in, and was eaten. Ooh. Wow, they all sound plausible. Yeah. Which one of those did Maddie Hallman make up to trick us? I think it's D, because anyone can slip off a boat. You don't deserve an award for that. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, that doesn't seem like that outlandish. However, I will say, the guys who sat... Yeah, you guys are landlub-ashaming with your boat accidents. It's a very common thing. Your equilibrium's off. People fall off of boats all the time. Like, I don't think you deserve the... Hey, nice boat you got here.

Be ashamed if someone fell off of it. It's a crocodile. You, I mean, like, yeah, you idiot falling, you know? Maybe she could have won the Captain Hook Award, but the Darwin Award, I don't know about that. It could happen to a Disney character. It's not dumb. He's like, hey, it's a nice apothecary you got here.

Be ashamed if someone were to lick all your roots. I don't know. What was the electric car one again? He wrapped an electric fence around his car to stop robberies, and then it shocked him to death. So he had the electric fence plugged in. Huh. I guess. He had some kind of power source.

I mean, I don't understand why the guys in B did what they did. I truly do not understand why they sat on a barrel that they set on fire. Yeah. I mean, maybe they're just smoking on the barrel of methane after a long day at the methane factory or something. Or they just wanted to fly. Yeah. I mean, I'll say Tom's logic makes a lot of sense for this. I'm going to say D.

I have to go with Tom convinced me. Okay, well, yeah, Tom was right. The correct answer is D. Oh. She actually went swimming in an area that was clearly marked dangerous by signs and known by locals to be infested with crocodiles and hippos. She swam in the same spot three times one day and was devoured the third time. Wow.

So she really pressed her luck. Yeah, she really, yeah. Round number two is the 2011-2012 round. A man completing a motorcycle ride with no helmet in an attempt to protest helmets flipped over his handlebars while he's driving. Okay, that's pretty funny. I think I read about that.

That was pretty funny. He's like, you don't need a helmet. Whoa, who left this banana peel here? Why did I do this test on Rainbow Road? B, a man attempted to stand up on a roller coaster for a photo and was struck by a plank above him. C, a man attempted to plank on a balcony railing and fell. Remember planking? Yeah, was that 2011?

Was it that long ago? God damn. I remember one of my friends in one of her senior photos was like, look at me planking in science class. This is crazy. What did he do planking? Planked on a balcony railing and fell. At least that's what Marcellus Wallace wants

you to think. D. A man accidentally drank gasoline and then lit a cigarette. That one's actually about Keith Ray, who survived. One more time quickly? We got the motorcycle helmet guy uh we got the guy who stood up on a roller coaster and he got hit by a plank we got the guy who planked on a balcony and the guy who drank gas and then lit a cigarette i'm gonna say the roller coaster one because you

shouldn't do that but like people people do that it also seems like the luck was on the roller coaster for him to die more than him being a complete idiot. I want to say that the planking one is a fucking red herring because we're going to be like, oh, planking, 2012, that makes sense, but it's actually not. Interesting. I'm wrong.

You think logic, Kat? I know I'm wrong, but let's go ahead. So the guesses are in. The answer, B. That guy was actually on a bus and was navigating a very narrow street. He leaned out so far, his entire torso was out the window, and he was having a great

time until his head hit a utility pole. Man, that guy did like, you know, like the mailbox baseball. He mailboxed baseball. His head. His own dome. I had a fucking bad time with a mailbox. There was a girl that I was hooking up with when I lived in Chino with my parents, and she would, you know, booty call me at like 1 in the morning or whatever and i would go over there she lived right down the

street you know so one night i'm exhausted she hits me up i'm like ah fuck i should do this it was one of those things like i don't know how many more times we're gonna keep having sex or you should take advantage of it and uh i drove over to her house i was exhausted and i tried to park and i like hit a winch i hit a mailbox really hard and loud with my like car window and like fucked it up. And I was like, oh shit, I gotta get out of here. They definitely heard that.

They're gonna come outside. So I basically went and parked down the street and I just walked over like, do-do-do-do-do. I see the family looking at the mailbox. I'm like, oh geez, that sucks. Anyway, off to my house where I live. Knock, knock, knock. You know.

So which, oh yeah, so it's the next round, right? Sorry. The 2013-2014 round A. An investigative reporter Froze to death While pretending to be homeless For a story

That rocks B. Two men attempting To take selfies With wild elephants Were trampled C. A man stepped Into quicksand In an attempt

To save his friend Who was also stuck In quicksand And both drowned Or D. A man volunteered Himself to be killed And then resurrected By a holy man. Damn.

That's commitment. These are some good ones. I gave myself polio just so I could go to a Christian faith healer. All right, Tom, what's your theory here, man? I got some theories. Yeah, I think it's a quicksand one. I was going to say the same thing. Quicksand is not as deadly as it's portrayed in cartoons.

Quicksand is actually, it's very hard to die in Quicksand. I feel like someone had a bit about that, but yeah, it's not nearly as much of a problem as you're listening to. Millennium, it's a millennium bit, yeah. It is, yeah. Yeah, Quicksand is not, I thought I'd be stepping into Quicksand constantly or whatever. Yeah, but also even if you do step into Quicksand, you're okay most of the time. It really is not hard to get out of Quicksand. If you step into Quicksilver, that's a problem.

That guy's mad about his truck. He starts hitting it. He's got a gun. Yeah. Well, I also just think, like, would they really give a Darwin Award to someone who's trying to save another human being? Oh, man. Tom has really figured out this game. Who would have thought he would be such a master of biology? Oh, no.

I'm a master of what I think is stupid. Tom, you're going to need to pick up that pipe if you're going to keep guessing correctly. Yeah. All right. We both go with C, I think. Dude, I've had the pipe inside you're going to keep guessing correctly. Yeah, we both go with C, I think. Dude, I've had the pipe inside me the whole time. All right, you guys are both going with quicksand? Yeah. All right, the correct answer, quicksand. Woo!

It was a cesspool, not quicksand, and seven people died because they kept climbing in one after another to save each other. The first guy was supposed to empty the septic tank and succumb to the fumes and drowned, and when the other six people tried to save the person that leaped before them, the same thing happened. Oh, Jesus. Seven people got fucking trapped in poop quicksand that's that's uh that's pretty depressed the darwin wars is pretty normally pretty light that's pretty depressing when seven people die that's too many that just sucks that you like literally you have to be like uh oh so you're on a first date with a girl and you know right now and you're like okay

so uh what are you still are you close with your parents at all? And she's like, well, me and my mother are pretty close and my father died in diarrhea quick. These are these are some every time you stink up her bathroom, she starts crying. He's like, I'm sorry, I have a breeze. And she's like, no, it's not. It's just what happened when I was young. I just, we had an open casket. He still smelled.

These are very mean-spirited awards and they're very close to being like us. Some people went to a movie theater thinking they could see a movie, but they were shot to death. Some idiots actually wanted to see Christopher Nolan ruin Batman a third time. Someone thought it would be a good idea to get their degree in Santa Barbara. Yeah, I mean, the Darwin Awards are a step away from that. Oh, yeah, 2001's Darwin Award is a 2,094-way tie between people who worked in the corrupt banking sector and Wall Street. This dude jumped out of a building.

What did he think was going to happen? These jokers thought it would be a smart idea to be born in Pakistan. All right. That's fun to fucking watch. These jokers thought it would be a smart idea to be born in Pakistan. All right. That's fun. The fucking shitty Darwin Awards. 2017, 2018 round. Oh, wait, no.

2015, 2016 round. A. A prisoner attempted to free himself from a small rubber solitary confinement room by starting a fire and suffocated. B. A man crashed his car while driving without pants, without a seatbelt, and with porn playing on his phone. C, a woman attempted to hold down a mattress to the top of a moving vehicle with her body weight and slid off. D, a man decided to go swimming in Yellowstone without a flashlight and leaped into a deep hot spring instead of the nearby stream he was trying to swim in. Oh, he got boiled.

All right, I'll be completely honest. I thought about someone who wronged me, and I tuned all those out. Can I hear them again? Who wronged you, Tom? Who wronged you, Tom? It's not an on-air thing. Sorry. What was it?

Okay. Sorry. Tom is the best. I'm being honest. What was it? Yeah. A prisoner tried to free himself from a solitary confinement room by starting a fire. He choked on the smoke and died.

Okay. A man crashed his car. He was driving without pants, without a seatbelt, and he was watching porn on his phone. Okay. A woman tried to hold down a mattress to the top of a moving vehicle

with her body weight, and she slid off and died. Okay. And a man tried to go swimming in Yellowstone without a flashlight. He jumped into a hot spring instead of a stream, and he was boiled alive.

I'm going to go A. Okay. I'm going to go D. Yeah. I'm going to go D. Yeah. D? Okay. You know what we would do? Wait, what was A again? A was the guy who set a fire in the solitary confinement. Yeah, I don't know how a prisoner would be able to start a fire in solitary confinement

because usually they're pretty good about security and solitary. Isaac is trying to get an ant off of himself and this has gotten one of the... Why are you blowing it towards me? What are you doing? Hang on, hang on. Just wipe it on something. There you go. There you go. You spit all over your hands. Did you make a wish, you fucking nerd?

Are you too weak to kill an ant crawling on your body? That ant was like, I'll be fine on this guy. It was just spit on your hand at the end of that. You were blowing on it like you ordered a too hot bowl of soup. You didn't have the lung capacity to blow out your birthday candles. I was laughing and trying to blow it at the same time, so it came out as spit. Like you ordered a too hot bowl of soup. You didn't have the lung capacity to blow out your birthday candles. I was laughing and trying to blow it at the same time, so it just came out as spit. You're just very weak. There's no good defense.

I'm not going to try to. That was just a sad old man birthday where it was like, well, you're not getting that wish, Henry. I would have to eat the cake afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Oh, jeez. Can you get me a piece from the box that's not out on the table yet? Yeah, I'm just going to eat icing that was left over on the box. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get me a piece from the box that's not out on the table yet? Yeah, I was going to eat icing that was left over on the box. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Box. Lots of box. We used to put it on top of the car and put our hands on the windows on either side, and then they'd drive real fast around the neighborhood, so you'd feel like Superman. That was pretty fun. Nice. Anyway, the answer, D, that was about the Yellowstone hot spring.

Hey, I was right. He was. This did happen to a female concession worker in 2000. The man who died in Yellowstone died because he blatantly ignored signs that said not to go near guys or just went in any way and slipped in. Yeah, I've heard that story multiple times

that that's happened. Yeah. It's a bummer. I want to know how the guy got the material to start the fire in solitary. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering, too. He must have done some real Bear Grylls shit. Yeah.

I'm going to light me up. That guy was really smart gearing going to light me own pee. That guy was really smart gearing up to his idiotic death. In order to survive, you've got to start a fire with your own pee. I've been eating nothing but cinnamon-flavored candy for years. Oh, no. Mountain goats. E-guards.

Isaac's really on this mountain goat pee call. It's the rule of three. That's the third one. Something that I barely remember. What happened with that again? Oh, the goats were just addicted to pee. Yeah, they became addicted to the taste of human pee because it has salt and minerals in it. So they had to, like, move the goats out of the park because they were getting too aggressive with humans.

That's funny. It's like yerba mate for goats. Like, yeah, it's like a pick-me-up, but it's, like, much smoother than coffee. It's great. And it's all natural. It's all natural. It's all natural. It tastes like root beer without sugar.

It gives you a headache, which is good. Dude, you came when your dad walked in the room. I did, yeah. At least I didn't think I had nut cancer. Sorry, Tom is thinking about dads that have wronged him. Not Tom presenting the fact that he saw my dad and he didn't scare any cum out of him. Cum dad. I'm not looking forward to that being a part of my internet legacy now.

On top of the things people already tweet me, which is stories about bestiality and toddler beheadings. Dad cum anecdotes to the list. And finally, 2017-2018 round. A man attempted to catch a 12-foot python as a pet and was strangled. B, a man suffered a heart attack while steaming himself in what he considered a ritual cleanse. C, a man and a woman having sex in their car left the vehicle in neutral and drowned when it rolled into a lake. That rocks. D, two motorists nearly collided, pulled over to yell at each other, began physically fighting, and fought right into traffic before being taken by a car.

Oh, Jesus. That's a family guy sketch. That's something that happened to the giant chicken. That's fucking great. Is this all real or all fake? This is just one of them's fake. Okay. All right.

What was... Fuck into a river. What was A? Fight into a car. Fighting a 12-foot... Catching a python for a pet that strangled him. I think it's A. Okay. What was B B was a man

suffered a heart attack while steaming himself in an attempted ritual cleanse people do that a lot actually I read a story about there was like

what's the they're like it's like a Native American sort of Native American steam room thing that they have it sounds like a sex movie

you tell each other in 8th grade I gave her the Native American steam room that's where I fucked her with a buffalo horn It sounds like a sex movie you tell each other in eighth grade. I gave her the Native American steam room. That's where I fucked her with a buffalo horn. There's like a ritual thing you can do in Arizona.

There was a place that was operating where people kept dying in these ritual steam cleanses. I'm going to go B. Oh, that's like where Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan

went and took ayahuasca. Eh, probably. Yeah, I realize that I'm the greatest. I'm going to go B. The great spirit told me I'm awesome. I've unlocked my inner power.

Every time I interact with Tony Hinchcliffe, he always makes a joke about how ugly I am. I'm like, dude, if I took my glasses off, people wouldn't be able to tell. Yeah, you do look like Tony Hinchcliffe, plus a growth spurt. Yeah, I'm just a little taller than you, and I guess your face is a little more handsome, but barely. I've maintained for years now that you're not a bad-looking guy. I think you're pretty handsome, Isaac. Well, the way I've always explained it is that, one, obviously I'm a comical-looking skeleton man, but remove that.

You have very small ears. You're small, but out. Everything on my face, if I take my glasses off, I could be handsome if everything was a slightly different size. If my nose was a little bigger, my lips were a little smaller. My eyes were a little closer together. Everything like that. Then suddenly I'd be very attractive. So I'm just a few genetic tweaks away.

It looks like when you could upload your picture to a Sims game and it would make the Sim for you. And you're like, that's pretty close. Not quite. It's not perfect, but it's pretty good. NBA 2K lets you scan your face in. It's just a bunch of horrible nightmarish monsters most of the time. You know what it would be?

You know what it would suck if you put your face in NBA 2K, and it automatically set your stats really low? Because it was like, oh, look at this guy. He doesn't have a jump shot. It was crazy. This year, the main glitch that kept happening, I spent hours trying to get my face in there, and every time it would be like, you don't have a chin.

I'd look like a fucking guy who chewed too much tobacco and just had lost his chin. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was insane. You actually have a nice jawline. I have a good jawline. It was just like, nope, no jawline. Yeah. No jawline! No jaw! Okay, so I said the Python one. I think that's the one. I was just going Python. Tom, what's yours? I think it's B, the

Cleaners one. The Cleaners one. The Cleaners. The answer, A, he tried to kill the snake and take it with him because it would be worth lots of money. The snake wasn't dead and didn't like that a strange man was trying to carry him back to town. It basically played dead and then strangled his ass. Nice. Dude, you got outsmarted by a snake.

He did, yeah. I think I won. I think I technically beat Tom this time. How many did you get right? Four? You got four? Isaac, you know what that means. It means you win. What do we got here? You win the instruction manual to my old Beats by Dre headphones.

Oh, thank you so much. It's an honor. There's your prize. Enjoy that. It's funny because last time I was on the show, we had a mythology one, and I tried to use real knowledge to answer the questions, and Tom beat me. And this time, it's something I know nothing about and I won and Tom seemed like he had this game on lock.

Isaac actually looks very proud that he won his instructions. I think I got two wrong. There were five rounds. And I got one wrong. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Alright, this is the most anyone's ever discussed the results of Witch of the Fallen. Son of a bitch. I mean, that's four out of five is a very good score.

I thought I was going to have a perfect game. There's only ever been five out of five one Yeah, I mean, that's four out of five is a very good score. I thought it was going to have a perfect game. There's only ever been five out of five one time, I believe, when Keith did Australian Towns. Wasn't there one about hockey or something

that Tom knew? Possibly, yeah. I mean, I made that one. Oh, okay. Never mind. Whatever. I don't know. I got them all right,

but I had the advantage of making the game. Indeed. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back with your questions, comments, and all that in the Mean Boys mailbag right after a brief word from whatever we put here.

And now, the only bright side to Brett Kavanaugh's appointment. Ladies and gentlemen of the board, it is with a heavy heart that I announce that as of the end of today, our company will be shutting our doors for good. This is terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. Somebody save us. The decision was not an easy one to make, but after declining sales over the past few years, it is the only course of action. My father came to Italy with nothing but a dollar in his pocket and a dream in his heart. A dream of manufacturing quality products at a fair price. And today, today, friends, that dream dies.

Boss, it's a miracle. Our stock just went through the roof. We're up 400% and climbing. The company saved. Truly, this is a glorious day for Pirelli wire hangers. Hip, hip. Hooray. Hip, hip.

Hooray. Hip hip. Hooray. That was the only bright side to Brett Kavanaugh's appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it's time to answer your questions, listen to your voicemails, and much more in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag send us an email and give us a call have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog it's a motherfucking mean boys mailbag was that what i actually think we can only hear one side so i

think he has the vocals panned to the right and we can only hear the left. So we have to sing without hearing him sing. Yeah, we're probably completely off sync. You guys both know the lyrics. I've only heard the lyrics. No, I don't listen to the show. And it's...

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why I did that. I just... Fucking Isaac mentioned the song. And I was like... It was cool. I was amazed. I just fucking Isaac mentioned the song. It was cool. I was amazed.

Yeah. You know, anyone could have said anything. Well, I took that drink of water. We both decided that it was more important we don't. Who cares? Luis Galvez writes, how would you change daylight savings time? I don't know that I have any opinions on you. I really don't. I'm not a farmer you. I really don't. I'm not

a farmer, so I really don't care about its existence. Being as I don't live an agrarian lifestyle, it doesn't affect me a ton. I feel like it's the only thing Arizona has correct. Eliminate it completely. It's so unnecessary. Of the three of us, I would guess

that Tom would be the one most likely to have an opinion on daylight savings time. Definitely, yeah. I mean, as a guy who lives in a kitchen... Oh, I'm sorry, Tom would be the one most likely to have an opinion on Daylight Slam. Definitely, yeah. Well, I mean, as a guy who lives in the kitchen. Oh, I'm sorry. It's not a fucking fancy hat, Isaac. As a guy who lives in the kitchen, it does probably affect his life more than most. They're up early. The sun's in my eyes.

It's nonsense. All right. This guy, Lou Varum, writes, Isaac, when you were living off Hold'em, what was the worst beat you took? Also, who fucks more, you, Lindsey Graham, or Cory Booker? Weird question. That is a very weird question. The first question I'm not going to answer. He's asking me about a specific hand of poker I played where I got very unlucky,

and there is truly nothing less interesting than hearing someone recount a poker hand in great detail. So I will spare your listeners. Unless it involves an Uno card or some kind of death threat, I couldn't begin to give a shit. Yeah, I will say the worst. I think I lost almost $600 in one session once, which is a lot of money. Wow. Yeah, I just sat in my car for an hour in the casino parking lot afterwards just going, What have you done, you idiot?

$600 on one hand? No, no, not one hand. Just one evening of poker what kind of what song do you listen to on the drive home what do you listen to on the drive home after doing that after losing yeah uh i mean i tried to listen to music and i just turned it off i was like i can't i can't listen to this all sounds this is all turning to ash in my ears like what i remember the one of the times i ever did the best at the casino this is like the first time i was like wow i could really make a living doing. I made like 700 bucks or something and I was like,

hell yeah. And I drove home and Return of the Mack came on and I was like, yeah. Nothing funnier than imagining you and an 11 foot tall

14 pound man whose waist is 20 inches around and his legs are 38 inches long rocking out to Return of the Mack and you're fucking like a car they sell

at a police auction basically. Yeah, yeah. You're like a like a car they sell at a police auction basically yeah yeah big-ass like old Buick dude I like I like truly got the song finally and I was like hell yeah and then like coincidentally I was driving home and like my phone played return of the Mac as I was driving home from losing $600 I was just like I can't listen to this that's so ironic your phone your auto your like like suggested song was fucking mocking you. Yeah, oh, man. I had a pretty shitty set last night, and I drove home.

I listened to Valerie by Amy Winehouse. Yeah, and that was my end with the windows down on Sunset. Just like, why don't you make a fool out of me? Anyway. Oh, and who has more sex, me, Lindsey Graham, or Cory Booker? I mean, if those guys have had sex in the last year, they've had more sex than me. Cory Booker is probably running the show. That guy seems like he fucks a lot.

He fucks. Yeah. I don't know these people. Politicians. They're senators. Oh! Queef Carey writes, again, I love when people make Twitter handles just so they can tweet questions at us.

If Tom Pewter had a girlfriend, what would her name be? Oh, yeah. Tom Pewter is the robot that somebody made to try to learn how to exist on Earth, right? Oh, Mackenzie. Dude, I wish I could take a photo of your face. Damn, man. Sally Windows 98. Tom just became a fucking Laffy Taffy rapper there.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, what do you want? Some deep fucking looking at the society? The human smoking ritual. Infinite flavor choices. Maximum conversation starting problem. Time to light up my pipe. I don't know if Tom did have a girlfriend.

You're not dating right now. When you do start dating again in the future at some point, what kind of woman are you looking for? I'm not going to have a girlfriend for a very long time. You and me both, buddy. Neither am I, but I think when I come back to the game, what am I looking for? I'm trying to figure out what do I want out of a partner in this life. Here's the thing.

I think I'm better. I get things done when I'm not in a relationship. There are people that I've met people that I like and I enjoy being around them. I'm like, here's the thing. As soon as I join a relationship, join like it's a guilt. As soon as I join the relationship, they are mystified by my algorithm. It just becomes a thing where I'm not focused on the shit I need to get done. And I, you know, fucking hormones are going crazy.

It's just a bad thing for me, so. Yeah. I do like dating girls who are, like, who, like, let me be lazy. Like, I dated a girl for two years once, and she was like, I love beards, and so, like, she made me not shave. Uh-huh. And we were talking about this earlier. I do not grow a beard. I grow, like, a little goatee here.

It looks like pubes and it's like half orange, half black. It's like Halloween colors. Oh, dude, yeah. You growing a beard, like there's no way you don't look like you're on a lot of problematic subreddits. Yeah, it was awful and she made me keep that goatee for like two years. Oh, geez. Yeah. All I've really – really the only thing I've ever made a decision on that before has been like you have to –

I want a girl who's funny and has a big butt. And I'm pretty sure I still want those things. But that's as far as I've gotten. Yeah, I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. I don't know. Hey, cake, baby. He quotes cake. Great dude.

Is that a cake quote? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you fucking imbecile. Of course it's a cake quote. Oh, Tom was so excited. Get the fuck out of here. My favorite food is not my favorite band. It's only one of the two most famous cake songs, Connor.

Honestly, it's not even one of my favorite songs. Their best songs are the B-sides. My 7th grade math teacher told me she liked cake. I'm like, wow, my math teacher's cool. Harrison J.R. writes, If there's an exact clone of you, same thoughts, memories, body, etc., and you have sex with them, is it sex or masturbation? There is only you in the room. It is 100% sex.

It's definitely sex. Yeah, you're still having sex with something. Yeah, but it's you. I think if I met myself, we'd probably end up jacking off each other pretty quick. Are you saying, like, okay, no, I think it's masturbation. It's a high-tech sex robot. That's masturbation. It's a clone-tech sex robot. That's masturbation. It's a clone. It's a person. It's still a person.

A clone's not a person. That's sentient. I would never fuck me. So now it's rape, because I would not want to do that. If you would never fuck you, then the other you would also never fuck you. I know, which is why I'm saying there's some third party with like a

rifle or some shit. Okay. Man, this is a weird hypothetical tom's not good at hypotheticals he goes that would never happen and i'm like well that's the that's where the interesting nature of the question lies you're like yeah but i wouldn't do that but you say what if you did maybe you could have some kind of funny idea about the hype it's so goofy you know maybe if you imagined it but i wouldn't some kind of funny idea about the hype. It's so goofy. Maybe if you just imagined it. But I wouldn't do it, though. I love that Tom's objecting to the hypothetical. Isn't that like there's a clone of him, which could never exist, except he wouldn't have

sex with it ever. No way. Whoa, I draw the line some way. Dude, I wouldn't trust me to fuck me. I would never do that. If you met yourself, do you think you would like yourself? No. Me neither, yeah.

I would just be like, this guy thinks he's so great and or just wants everyone to feel sorry for him and i can't figure it out and i hate him honestly if i saw me do stand-up and i had never seen my stand-up before i'd be like i don't like this guy very much oh i would yeah same thing god damn it i hate i hate that so much why can't i do stand-up i would like i know i've never done stand-up i would like i like your stand-up a lot though though. Well, I like yours. Stand-up on Jeopardy, that is one of my favorite jokes ever. Yeah, I like both of your stand-ups. Adam Cross went to Don Carlos, so there you go, Don Carlos. We got you another $6 credit.

Hell yeah. Sponsored by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California, right across the street from La Jolla Comedy Store. Go to eatasomething.com. Eat a... This is a burrito, right? Yep. Eataburrito.com for more taco information.

Tom Goss' Howard Cosell. Muhammad Ali. Your name's too black now and everybody's mad. What do you think? The taco could go all the way. John Lennon has been shot. And boy, is he running for his life out there on the gridiron. I think this question is for you and Keith,

but I think just in general, it's from nolifetillpleather on Instagram. All right. Can you just ask... No! Life! Till! Pleather!

Can you just ask Tom to try and say other old sayings? Oh, yeah. Did you hear the episode where Tom, we were trying to say the old saying, I'm made of rubber, you're made of glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. We're trying to figure out, see if Tom knows other old sayings. Okay.

So, Tom, a bird in the hand. What? There's an old saying involving a bird, a hand, and a bush. And how much that's worth. Doing the bird, one in the bush. Doing the hand, one in the bush. Two in the hand, one in the bush. The stinky flamingo. Well, it's saying a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Yeah. That's the old saying. Yeah. A bird in the hand makes. I just told you the same. He just told you what it was. Oh, that's the same. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

What the fuck does that mean? I couldn't tell you. Okay, Tom. Wait, well, how do you use that that mean? I couldn't tell you. Okay, Tom. Wait, how do you use that in context? I don't know. I feel like you might be fucking up the same. Tom, close only counts in horseshoes. I love this game, by the way.

In bowling? Fuck, I've actually heard this one before. Yeah, you're close. Everyone knows bowling. Horseshoes. Shit, I've heard this. Okay,. Yeah, you're close. Everyone knows bowling. Horseshoes. Shit, I've heard this. Okay, so a bird in the hand is worth two in the... What the fuck?

There's another sport, right? It's not a sport, really. It's more of like a... It's not really. It's a way you murder somebody. Crossbow. It's a weapon. Close...

Why would close go with a crossbow? You gotta hit people with a crossbow. That crossbow almost got me. I'm careful. What's something you... I've heard this saying, too. I can't remember where the fuck it goes. Have you? I wouldn't believe that you had. Why would clothes go with a crossbow? You gotta hit people with a crossbow. I've heard this saying, too. I can't remember where the fuck it goes. I wouldn't believe that you had. Horseshoes and... What's an implement of destruction that you could kill someone with and be reasonably close?

No, Tom. These require contact with human flesh. Car. No, you idiot. You gotta hit someone with a car. Maybe if the car exploded, what else explodes? Bombs. Close.

Grenades. Yeah, there we go. Porschues and hand grenades. There you go. Why does it have to be hand-specific grenades for this to kill? Well, what else do you throw with them? Your foot? Yeah, give Tom a foot grenade.

Pele is going to go to the artillery division with foot grenades. I assume there's another kind of grenade. I don't know what it would be. Yeah, possibly. Yeah, who knows. Well, there's the ugly chicks at bars, right? Oh, yeah. Bruno Mars.

Yeah, except for Tom jumping on the grenade, who's watching hockey while he drinks alone. What's another expression? Yeah, so a bird in the hand which is worth two in the bush means that it's better to hold on to a shirt thing than risk it for something more, is the expression. That's a dumb expression. All right.

Well, good thing for you. Good thing I don't know what it is because it's bad. A penny saved is a penny earned. Hey, there we go. I want to see some old expressions here because this is kind of fun. I'm enjoying this. Okay, let's see here. No, those are all too short.

All right. I'm trying to not look. If you're the provider for the family, you bring home the what? Bacon. These are too easy. We've got to get harder on Tom. Boom. Who's smart now?

Still not you. That's probably... Okay, yeah, these are all too... I don't even know some of these. Yeah, because sayings are stupid. Sayings are not great. You guys are conformists. What do you say when you embarrass yourself?

Whoops. You put your foot in your mouth. Or you have what on your face? Egg. God damn it, Tom. You guys have to know things. Yeah, Tom Pewter has become too advanced. I didn't know that you...

All right, throw me another one. Throw me another one. We're trying. We're trying. I only know egg on the face because of Joe Aramine boys. Oh, yeah. Fucking shit. What's another...

When you die, you kick... People? All right, there we go. We found one. What do you... What's your... Oh, yeah, he died. He just kicked the...

Life. Kicked the life. No. Unfortunately, you're wrong. When you're dead, you're pushing up what? Pushing off what? You're pushing up... Daisies.

Yeah. After you kicked the... Stool. Oh, bucket. Yeah, you kicked the bucket. Oh, I know that one. No, you don't. You didn't figure it out. Okay. Oh, bucket. Yeah, you kicked the bucket. Oh, I know that one. No, you don't. You didn't figure it out.

Okay, let's see. Let's try to do one more. There's an old one. Okay, this one says, He's so cheap he wouldn't give a nickel to see Jesus riding a bicycle. Which is fun to say. But I have not heard that one before. Yeah, strange little old-fashioned phrases.

Why would I want to see Jesus riding a bicycle? I don't know. Sounds like Tom is the guy that they were talking about. Nah, these aren't sayings. Yeah, this sucks, man. Why are these websites so bad? Get us some better lists of sayings. This is very disappointing to me.

Big Meek wants to know what the latest is on the fedora situation. We've covered that. Yeah, not going gonna get a fedora The pipe shone a light on who I'd become With the fedora Here's the thing, if someone gets me a fedora I will wear it for Mean Boys episodes only One time I stole a beret from a lost and found

Just because I thought it would be funny to make Tom wear the beret That's a good idea Wait, you got me a beret? When did that happen? It was like a year ago You never gave me the beret I don was that when did that happen it was like a year ago i don't you never gave me the beret well vamp will i get it it's over here all right i don't know if you guys know this about me but uh i played quiz bowl in both high school and college what is quiz bowl it's like uh academic competition uh you know it's like they ask it's like a spelling bee

it's like jeopardy mma version of spelling bee it's like jeopardy but with high school teams and the questions are harder and longer than Jeopardy. That's the idea. Right? Okay. And once I was moderating... Sounds bad. No, it's a lot of fun. I was moderating at a quiz bowl tournament, and a team showed up, and they were all wearing matching trilbies, or fedoras basically, and I was like, oh, you guys are wearing matching

fedoras, and they were all like, they're trilbies! And I was like, okay. Which is the most quiz bowl shit, because it's just a bunch of socially maladjusted children who know facts. Oh, shit. Oh, hell yeah. Take a photo of this shit, baby. Oh, you got me glasses, too?

Wait, are these my old glasses? Tom doesn't know if they're his own glasses. Yeah, yeah, take the pipe. Oh, my gosh. Here we go. All right, so we've completed the look of Tom. He's got a beret on, and I've got to be honest, I made a pretty good call. This looks good.

All right, move the microphone so I can get the full picture. Wow. Folks at home, Connor is currently taking a picture. Yep, I got the pictures. There we go. It was all worth it, everybody. Oh, this feels like a lot. Yeah. No, it is a picture. Yep, I got the pictures. There we go. It was all worth it, everybody. Oh, this feels like a lot. Yeah.

No, it is a lot. Can you take the glasses off? Because the beret doesn't look wrong, weirdly enough. The beret looks okay. I mean, you might consider... Yeah, you kind of look pretty natural wearing a beret. What if I'm not holding the pipe? No, the beret looks good.

It still looks fine. The pipe does kind of complete it a little bit. I'll show you a photo so you can see what you look like. It's not great. There you go. Oh, what the fuck? Good thing I decided to make a fucking ridiculous face.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Alright, I think that's pretty much it for the questions. We do have some voicemails. Oh, my neck chest is huge in that photo. Oh, your neck chest? Yeah, it just becomes one. Yeah, Tom's neck and his chest are like Pangea.

They have a separate chest. Your neck is going to turn into South America at some point. All right, let's fire these up. Just reading the transcription. I hope it starts that way. It probably doesn't is this working here no it's not playing oh man and uh she had a there we go okay sorry we'll start this over here

all right voicemail time i mean boy i got a question for y'all uh my this chick i'm dating she wants me to pay her hospital bills because Already a great start. This chick I'm dating wants me to pay her hospital bills. This is a rough hat. Anyway, the transcription of the voicemail doesn't say, It says, Oh, yeah. No, the predictive text always, it'll be like,

All right. So let's see. And she had an outbreak, and then we had to go to an emergency room. But I found that. She had an outbreak. Oh. Outbreak of what? Suspicious. Tom, you put the beanie all over your head, and now you just look like Fat Albert's friend.

He does. No, not the one who says that. This is terrifying. This is like Kanye's Yeezus mask that covered his whole head. It's itching my nose. Take it off. I don't like this. I like it.

Why? Because I can't see me now. You look like you're from fucking Hellraiser, dude. You're in a sensory. Can you hear the voicemails? Yes. Okay, well, let's continue. Yeah.

I think it's my fault because earlier in the day, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich, and I kind of jacked off, and then later on, I didn't wash my dick. So, you know, after she got through stuffing me, next thing you know, her eyes are shut closed, and she freaking can barely breathe. So I just wanted some advice. Would y'all think I should tell her or just keep it cool and keep it moving? What do y'all think? What was the – do you think I should kill her? Is that what he said?

Should I tell her or just play it cool and keep it moving so you gave her an allergy attack cause you jacked off after making a peanut butter and jelly and got peanut butter

on your dick this is a problem that I just haven't had yet how sloppy is your peanut butter and jelly making that you're ending up

with like peanut butter on your hands and like alright time to jack off this guy's making them like when a little kid gets to make them on their own and it's just fucking a foot of peanut butter all the jelly it like, all right, time to jack off. This guy's making them like when a little kid gets to make them on their own,

and it's just fucking a foot of peanut butter, all the jelly. It's just squirting out everywhere. I mean, I think you – It's like a Home Alone peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This is a moral conundrum right up there with the trolley problem and philosophy. I would say that you play it cool and keep it moving, honestly. I would tell her – I think you fucked up.

Well, did you know that you had a peanut allergy i think this is a this is a fairly within the realm of accident although it is for sure sure it's an accident honest and be like hey now that the dust is settled uh i gave you allergy outbreaks with my fucking jif dong i think you should pay the bill for sure yeah at least like you know you did that with with your day or back over time yes you know installment plan pay a lot of his girlfriends but back for things over time i'm a loser i uh i'm no stranger to that ask jessica how long it took for me to repair the front fender on her car the answer is two years oh maybe a year dated two years ago no i don't know when we dated. Forever ago.

Time is a fucking, dude. Time has been tripping me out lately, dude. Yeah. Me and Jessica might start a podcast. I'm thinking about it. So let me know if you'd be interested in that, Mean Boys listeners. We're just going to call it a different bad ex pun every week. Like, on the XXXTentacion podcast.

Oh, God damn it. Something terrible. Yeah, so the consensus is tell her. I say play it cool. That sucks, bro, for sure. It wasn't on purpose. Like, you're not a bad guy for, well, I mean, you should wash your hands, but that doesn't make you a bad guy. Yeah, you're a bad chef.

I don't think you're a bad chef. Yeah, yeah. You're a bad single father, for sure. I think you're a better guy if you tell her, and she might yell at you or something, but, like, you know, that's the price of peanut butter. Yeah. I will say, fucking, that is a pretty funny problem. Yeah. Okay.

I'm glad she's not dead. That's good. That seemed like a waste of peanut butter. If you had a recurring role on a 90s sitcom, what would your catchphrase be? What was it in the 90s? A recurring sitcom, like a catchphrase. Yeah, but I'm trying to think of a friend. I would be Kramer's friend.

Was Seinfeld the 90s? Yeah. When else would it have been? 80s. Yeah, it was the 80s. Everyone knows the Seinfeld Vietnam episode that they did. What else was in the 90s? Martin.

The fuck is that? I'm not good with catchphrases. Black Seinfeld. Mine would be something dumb like, we've done it again, or something like that. Oh, yeah. Well, we were doing catchphrases around the house, and my catchphrase would be like, Tom, say something is really good. Say anything you like is really good or something.

Oh, dude, jumping really high is really good. Is it? That was my catchphrase. Because someone would be talking like, oh, yeah, I saw this person tonight. They're so funny. I'd be like, are they? Are they? For me, it would probably be like, I broke the blank.

Or I broke it. I like I broke it. Tom, you've got to take this story off. No, I'm not doing it, dude. I'm going to take a picture of you. This is my new look. I've been this way since you gave me the hat. And I like that I don't see me.

Yeah, Tom is fired from Berets. I did try to be a catchphrase comic briefly as a joke where my catchphrase was, that's not business, which I think is great. I like it. That's not business. Anyway, that would be my catchphrase. I like it. Well, that's not business.

Well, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can do it at 304-805-6326. That's 304-805-MEAN. MEAN! Those are the only two we had this week, so we need to top the hopper back up. And I think that's the show, man. Hey. Thank you for coming in. Hey, thanks for having me.

I say of all the guests we have on the show, you're always available on short notice. I am. I got nothing going on, baby. Yeah, you do. Tell us about it. What do you got coming up? Any shows where the listeners can come see you? Yeah.

I think it's really one of my favorite stand-up comedians, which is not going to get you far in this town, but I do mean it sincerely. October 27th at 11 p.m. I'll be at the West Side Comedy Theater. You can catch me there. Saturday, December 8th I'll be at On Deck Comedy at the Blue Rooster or something like that cool that's a good show uh december 20th i have to cancel my membership for casting frontier uh because i got a job and then uh more importantly i'll be in the

dc area where i'm from in uh you know around christmas time so come out and see me i'll be uh december 21st i'll be at capital laughs i'll do a show for them i don't know where it will be we'll figure that out i'll also be at the uh. I'll do a show for them. I don't know where it will be. We'll figure that out. I'll also be at the Positano Italian Restaurant in Bethesda on Saturday the 22nd at 7 p.m. Wow, sounds like a big gig. Hey, I'm doing 40 minutes, so you can't afford to miss it. It'll be a great show. Get out to Bethesda, guys.

Dude, I'm serious. Me and Boyz II Men. You'll hang out with them, right? Hell yeah, man. If someone came to a show to see me, I don't know what I would do. That's never happened. Go blow his mind, man. Someone drove like an hour to go see Opie do an open mic.

Stranger things have happened. Oh, it blows my mind whenever anyone knows me from the show and they come to one of my shows. People drove like three hours to see me in Austin, and I was just like, oh, fuck. Want some stickers? Sorry, I'm not that good. Oh, follow me on Twitter at IBHersion, then I'll know what the shows are, because I don't really know what they are.

So follow Isaac. I enjoy his Twitters. Tom, what do you got to plug? Tonight, the night this comes out Tuesday, right? Yep. Tonight, the night this comes out, I'm at the Irvine Improv. So if you live in Orange County, right? Yep. Tonight, the night this comes out, I'm at the Irvine Improv. So if you live in Orange County or far from Orange County but want to see me host the Irvine Improv, come to that.

And then October 24th, I'm at Phantom Ales in, I think, La Habra. And then most of my other shit's in a different time. Tom has a race car turning on. I'm trying to remember my dates because I don't want to take that off. Come. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Well, I have a writing job, so I'm not doing any stand-up. But if you want to get lunch in Hollywood, send me a text, and we'll meet up around 2 p.m. near fucking Melrose and Vine, or Santa Monica and Vine, I think, and we could go get some burritos or something. Nice, nice. Also, you guys have a Halloween show coming up. We do. Isaac is better at it.

Oh, yeah, Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. What day is that? I don't know. Damn it, I forgot. I don't think you would know. I think it's October 28th. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that's going to be great. We have one person confirmed. Yeah, tickets for that are live right now. Yeah, so go buy those tickets. I've got to make a flyer. We're going to plan this out, but if you live in the L.A. area, we're going to make that a lot of fucking fun. Me and Connor keep talking about different things we want to do. October 28th at 930.

It will be a great show. We've done more live Mean Boys in New York than L. than LA this year, and we're going to try to make this really fucking fine. And we want to make it a yearly thing if it works out. So make sure it works out by coming out and we'll make it a fucking... With the way we've been promoting it, it won't. Well, I'll be there, guys. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. We should book

Isaac. I don't know if Keith will let us. He doesn't like you. I've noticed that I'm always on when Keith isn't here. Well, we just want someone with the same body. We need another fat guy who has sex all the time. Truly the greatest weight discrepancy between a podcast fill-in and a guy ever. All right, here filling in for Anthony Cumia, Roxanne Gay. We have Lindy West playing the part of Jim Norton today on the Jim and Sam show.

Oh, one other date. It's very far in advance, but December 21st and 22nd, I am doing Comedy Off Main Street in Arizona. I'm going to plug it all the way up because I don't think anyone's going to be there because it's right by Christmas. So you should be there. You should come out so I have people to perform to because I'm headlining that weekend. Man, this is a very disorganized plug session. I hate kids. It disorganized plug very sad episode well here's my big gig that fell through someone on fucking gig salad offered asked me to perform naked at his wife's birthday and i sent him a quote for a thousand bucks and then i was like that was probably too low and he said yeah sure and i'm

like oh shit i might have to do this and he said yeah i asked my wife and she said absolutely not really dodged a bullet there because i'm like, I don't not need the $1,000. Yeah, definitely. If I have $1,000, I will absolutely perform naked for who wants it. I would deeply consider it. Crowdfunding campaign. The guys who hate their bodies, kings of comedy in the nude. Yeah, we'll get you guys and Andrew Solmanson together,

and you guys will travel the country in a very smelly van. Oh, God. Absolutely. I performed naked once. It was horrifying. If you give me $1,000, guys, I'm just going to become a hooker. That's going to be my new thing. I don't even like having sex naked.

I don't know if I do stand-up naked. Me and Tom, as soon as we come, we've got to put our boxes back on. Yeah, the second. And then girls get offended, and they're like, no, no, no, it's not you. It's my crippling self-hate. Yeah. There's like a 30-second period where I'm still kind of hard, it's okay, and then I'm like, I don't like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll cover my head with a hat. Yeah, yeah. Tim, we got some bonus podcast content after the plugs today. After the plugs. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for sticking around, guys. Do you listen to our bonus episodes, too?

No, I don't have any money. I don't know why I turned to you, even though I can't see. I'll add this to the mailbag, because I do think it's funny. But when you cancel your Patreon pledge, you can fill out an exit survey. And sometimes people let us know why they're no longer subscribing to the Patreon. Oh, God. And by the way, I know we've been behind on a lot of things and all over the place. We've been busy.

I have to work like fucking 60 hours a week. So it's been kind of tough to keep up. So this person writes, Tom Goss is the only funny one and they're trying to be a Choppo clone. Wow, I didn't realize

you guys were so leftist. Whoa, someone said that? That happened when we talked about Brett Kavanaugh once for 20 minutes and included zero facts or analysis. Sorry, boys,

can't, until I get my 100% rating with Veterans Affairs back, I can't afford it. That's fair. Sorry, guys, I'm broke as shit. We'll re-pledge when I can afford. Thank you. Sorry, I can't afford it. That's fair. Sorry, guys. I'm broke as shit. We'll re-pledge when I can afford.

Thank you. Sorry I can't support y'all for a while. College payments have fucked my wallet, and I have about $10 in my bank account as of today. I'll be a supporter as soon as I can. Man, fucking life is hell for me. Dude, this is so sad. America doesn't want us, guys. It does not give a fuck about you.

Even the parts that weren't boring weren't worth paying for. I'll definitely become a patron again soon. Keep up the great work, you shitty boner lords. Oh, thank you. This guy writes, sharp edges become dull from overuse. That's cutting. Love the Mean Boys so much. I'll keep listening and definitely be back to support them once again when I have a little more extra cash.

This is my favorite one. I tried to love the show ongoing after Joe's departure, but since he left, it's just like the Mean Kids Fart and Swear Teehee Hour. That's my favorite. That one made me laugh so hard. Yeah, we're a Choppo clone, and it's the Mean Boys Fart and Pee Teehee Hour. Well, did you guys see the review I left you on iTunes? Oh, yeah, Isaac left us a review.

But I didn't leave it under my name, so it was very confusing. Let's put it as the intro. Okay, I think I already read it. Oh, really? Maybe I read it in the intro i don't know oh god you're the super fan oh jesus i mean it was it was funny because i didn't use my real name on it so it just sounded like a very sad man yeah yeah who's like yeah it feels like i'm hanging out with my friends even though we're all actually your friends exactly but if you don't know that it's just like wow

this guy's so sad all right well go see isaac at the pizza place and uh thank you for listening we love you very much. Fuck everything. God is dead. Okay. Do you want me to be narrator then, or do you want me to be narrator then? I always narrate the end nows. Okay.

I know how I want the voice to sound. Is that okay? Yeah, I don't care. Okay. You can also be man one if you want. No, I can be man two. I realize man two only has one line. Yeah, well, I have almost all the lines in the next sketch.

I don't care. Okay, I don't really care either. Yeah, well, then you're narrator man one. All right. Oh, shit. Now I've got have almost all the lines in the next sketch. I don't care. Okay, I don't really care either. Yeah, well, then you're narrator man one. All right. Oh, shit. Now I've got to do all the parts. Yeah, look what you did to yourself. You dipshits.

You get what you asked for. I'll put this after the credits. I do that every month. Six months, maybe. We always should do that, yeah. All right.