Mean Boys - EP 160 - Cauliflower Personality (feat. Luis J. Gomez)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to the Mean Boys Podcast. Holy shit, big day. We hit two big goals today. Today, we've crossed the threshold of $2,000 on Patreon, and barring almost certain card declines,

Starting point is 00:00:43 it means we will have to produce Snark Week 2. Yeah, if you're on the fence about donating to the Patreon, and barring almost certain card declines, it means we will have to produce Snark Week 2. Yeah, if you're on the fence about donating to the Patreon, do it now because we do not have a super reliable financial fan base, so we will get declined a little bit. Yeah, and also, and this is the big part, I have never, nor has Keith, been busier in his life, and this will definitely catapult us into a state of severe anxiety and depression. Yeah, we are recording this after working a 12-hour day and then writing sketches for the Lewis episode. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:11 So there's no way that this is not going to end in just some kind of weird fucking... It might be both the greatest week of the podcast and the last week of the podcast. Yeah, it's going to be a spectacular meltdown. One of us will die, and the money is on Tom. I feel like you and me, our instincts will be to team up and we'll just eat tom yeah i mean we're basically doing like like some kind of like reality tv show challenge but for 4 000 people so you know if you want to if you want to enjoy that level of uh commitment to a stupid bit for a little bit more money each month i mean what does mean boys get down in there if not like

Starting point is 00:01:43 putting ourselves in incredible incredible pain and anguish for a very small amount of exposure. Exactly, yeah. But, you know, it makes you people happy, so that's why we do it. And I'll add, Jordan, aside, we are very grateful to you guys for donating to the Patreon, and we are excited to do Snark Week in theory.

Starting point is 00:02:01 In fact, as God help us all. I'm excited to have done it. There we go. Is what I want to say. I'm excited to have done it there we go is what i want to say to talk about it the way we talk about the first snark week like our personal vietnam yeah yeah no man remember when we were in day four and we were like how the fuck are we gonna make jacob sir off interesting and the answer was we're not love you jacob yeah you're a good dude man yeah it's funny uh we also uh hit fucking 400 itunes reviews which means god we're gonna go interview keith's mom yeah and i'm gonna hit

Starting point is 00:02:35 her up tomorrow and inform her that this is happening she hit me up recently and said she would do the podcast at some point anyway okay i've told her multiple times about this deal and i don't think she totally understands it. Yeah, yeah. But I would like to put together a Denny's show up in Fresno and do this as a live event. Yeah, that'd be fun.

Starting point is 00:02:51 I don't know about doing the podcast live, but we can have your mom. We'll figure it out. I have some ideas, but the point is we're going to go to Fresno and deal with my mom

Starting point is 00:02:57 very, very soon because we did hit the 400th. Yeah. Do we know what the 400th review was? Because I want to know who fucking put the nail in this coffin.

Starting point is 00:03:03 Oh, it's so good. Oh, shit. I don't think you've checked this yet. No, I don't read the reviews Because I want to know who fucking put the nail in this coffin. Oh, it's so good. Oh, shit. I don't think you've checked this yet. No, I don't read the reviews. I don't know if this is exactly 400, but it's right. There was a big batch of them that came on on board August 16th. Okay. So, Mediocre Ass Clown, five stars by Randall Maynard.

Starting point is 00:03:20 You faggot. If you find yourself wanting for gratuitous self-promotion and poorly veiled peacocking spewing forth from the mouth of an insecure and self-important ass clown, then look no further than Connor McSpadden on the Mean Boys podcast. Connor cannot help himself from attempting mediocre burns and roasts based on the most superficial and obvious qualities that are only transparent attempts to self-flagellate his own fragile, minuscule ego. No, his fragile ego, minuscule self-worth. You should have punched this up, Randall. After these attempted, quote, jokes,

Starting point is 00:04:00 Connor will continue to make inquiries to ensure that we are, quote, still cool because he clearly hopes and believes that his words have had more than the fleeting and easily ignored impact on his target. I would not describe Connor as, quote, toxic, but I value creativity and originality in my writing. Oh, yeah, the fat one and the gay one are pretty funny, but I can't be bothered to remember which one is which, though. Wow. Spoken like a guy who's definitely not butthurt at all man i want confirmation oh man you really owned me with that essay dude we are bringing randall in here on snark week and we are starting a fucking war i fucking hate randall we just we're

Starting point is 00:04:39 just two grown-ups that don't like each other and that's okay me and randall were cool too when i went and did unpops on 9-11 and then now he's calling fucking shots we just don't like each other, and that's okay. Me and Randall were cool, too, when I went and did Unpops on 9-11, and now he's calling fucking shots. We just don't get along. All right, you fucking bone smoker. Thanks for giving us what we asked for, and we'll see you in Snark Week. Yeah, buddy. You've got plenty of time to read a thesaurus. You've got the word mediocre in here like three times.

Starting point is 00:04:59 Yeah, I mean, he put quotes around the word jokes, so you know he's real. Whoa, it's fucking harsh, man. I love when people do that, when they're just like, this alleged comedian. I'm like, it's the least work you could do to make me feel bad about it. I mean, some of that stuff might have gotten under my skin if it had come from someone I respect. Yeah, because I'm not going to lie, it's not like anything you said isn't true. Yeah, I mean, being that this came from a graphic designer for the Internet's 12th most relevant fucking satire outlet. Yeah, congratulations on being the last guy it cracked who probably didn't rape anybody.

Starting point is 00:05:31 Yeah, all that shit bounced right off my fucking Wonder Woman bracelets, you silly bitch. All right, so, yeah. Well, now you just leave us a review on iTunes for fun, I guess. We'll come up with a new one. Yeah, well, I don't know what 500 is going to be. I'm open to suggestions if you'd care to send us a tweet. I know Tom has some stupid ideas. Yeah, let's go with something else.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Yeah. I'm just going to say, okay, at 500, I will buy a new hat. Yeah, but it'll be bad, and that'll be funny. And I also won't do it. Yeah, and also I'll talk about it forever. Yeah. Yeah, you're trapped. Anyway, hop over onto the subreddit and talk about the show with your friends, the listeners,

Starting point is 00:06:08 your fellow listeners. By the way, this- All of their stuff, shit posting and everything. It's great. If you haven't gone over to the subreddit, I am going to be throwing a status up for you to ask questions that we can ask my mom. Oh, yeah. Well, do we definitely-

Starting point is 00:06:21 Once we have a date locked in for the mom record, I'll put that up there. I'm going to put it on the Reddit, so you got to go over to the subreddit to ask questions of the mom. Ooh, yeah. We call have a date locked in for the mom record, I'll put that up there. I'm going to put it on the Reddit, so you've got to go over to the subreddit to ask questions of the mom. Ooh, yeah. We call that a traffic driver here. I mean, straight up and down. We talked about it with our segment producer. You're going to get to hear it no matter what, but the subreddit is a great place. We love that you guys are hanging out there.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Yeah, let's build it up. So, yeah, pop over there and ask Keith's mom some questions. Or the Discord channel for a more up-to-the-minute discussion of whatever. It's mostly people being like, where do you live? Oh, yeah, we got Whataburger here, too. Yeah, sometimes I go there and do drugs. I've got to figure out what Discord is and go check this thing out. Yeah, look, and I just go.

Starting point is 00:06:58 I've got to just show up in the Discord and ask for a knock at some point. I just go in there and make sure that no one's teaching anybody how to build a bomb. And then I say, carry on, you crazy kids. And if they are, make sure they're throwing the bomb at the right people. Yeah. Randall Maynard's house. No, no, no, no. Don't kill Randall Maynard.

Starting point is 00:07:14 I want to do that. I guess we're lame now. I want to kill him. On the Isle of Man in some kind of vehicular combat. I would like to murder him on Gunfight Island. I'd like to murder him on Gunfight Island. I'd like to have a crossbow shootout in a modified dune buggy

Starting point is 00:07:28 surrounded by people with mohawks and football pads. This is how I've always wanted our story to end. You can follow us on Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to our YouTube channel if you want to click three things. That'll make us smile, help us out, and just stay on top of what we're doing. We tweet fun things.

Starting point is 00:07:44 We haven't been posting as much shit. We're fucking busy, but, you know. Yeah, and by the way... We'll be back to being irrelevant again soon. Yeah, two quick things. Number one, for those of you who tweeted us saying you miss more of the segments, more of the sketches and stuff,

Starting point is 00:07:54 they're coming back. The show's not falling apart. We just, we have been wildly busy. We can say what we've been working on. Yeah, we've been writing for Historical Roast, a forthcoming variety comedy series on Netflix where Jeff Ross roasts the past. Yeah, which will be a fun show, but it has eaten up a tremendous amount of time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:12 The show has felt a little weird lately. That's why. It's because of the 60-hour work weeks. Yeah. Now, I'm used to working about negative 12 hours a week. Yeah. So this is not. We're all dying, and I knew it was going to be trouble the second I had to turn to Tom and be like, hey, buddy, I might need you to carry some work this month.

Starting point is 00:08:27 Yeah, yeah. And his eyes span in nine directions. A quick question, what's work? And number two, before I forget to plug this, come to Halloween if you're in the Los Angeles area, October 28th. Yeah, Echo's on Pico. Echo's on Pico. If you're in San Diego, if you're in in OC If you want to take a little road trip

Starting point is 00:08:46 And come up This is going to be a fucking good show It'll be fun, guys We'll be letting it all hang out Yeah, we're going to have some Booking announcements coming up soon We can already confirm Jessa Reed is going to be on the show

Starting point is 00:08:56 Tickets are live now, though Go to our website Or go to the Twitter Yeah, or just Better yet, just follow the link In the show notes And fucking get in there And enjoy yourself.

Starting point is 00:09:06 And speaking of enjoying, Luis J. Gomez is our guest this week. Gotta love old Luis J. And yeah, it was a fucking great time. This one's a little bit, we did a Mexican joke off with just the boys, and then we segued right into just more of an interview with a gang sesh with the, I almost call him the gome dog, and then I'm like, that's not a thing. Oh, yeah, with the Gome Dog. Yeah, with the Puerto Rican Chupacabra,

Starting point is 00:09:28 whatever the fuck he's called. Yeah, with the fucking Dominican garter snake. Yeah, with the Haitian gecko. Yeah. So, anyway, without much further ado, enjoy this week's episode with lewis j gomez hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast keith here with connor and tom uh doing a little different this week. We have Luis J. Gomez of you guys harassing him on Twitter, fam.

Starting point is 00:10:10 Came by. Fucking great episode. After the first ad break, you're going to hear Luis come into the studio, but we decided to jump in and do a Mexican joke off without him because he's too famous to do the homework. Yeah. Too many Twitter followers. He's too illiterate to write. What are these squiggly lines?

Starting point is 00:10:28 Word numbers? Where are the pictures? Guys, what did I tell you about school hieroglyphics? You need to explain it to me using emojis. You don't have any idea how hard it is to give a man directions when you can only use pictures and bright colors and noises? It's like talking to a particularly dull

Starting point is 00:10:44 mummy. So yeah, we just wanted to give you guys a little bit of an actual scripted show before our little interview fun thing with Lewis that I think you guys will actually really get a kick out of. Yeah. A lot of things said. Yeah, yeah. A lot of things. Funny things. Some new interesting fight

Starting point is 00:10:59 details and nuggets and such. Violent things. Fight deets. Friend things. Keep saying thing things. Thing things. Itent things. Fight deets. Friend things. Keep saying thing things. Thing things. It's time for the Mexican joke. Da na na na na na. Ay, so topical.

Starting point is 00:11:15 It's not a sports center, you dumb asshole. Ay, so topical. Fucking goon. It's like you boxed in all your goon while Lewis was here. Yeah. Well, originally I was going to wear nothing but boxing gear. How glad are you we didn't let you do that? No, honestly, I should have done it. I should have.

Starting point is 00:11:31 I should have wore. You have a boxing robe right there that you didn't even touch. Oh, yeah. I could have wore that. Well, I was going to wear my boxing gloves. I was like, it's going to be pretty fun to wear boxing gloves. We'll try to hold a microphone and flip through these pages. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:43 Well, Tom was clearly just like, all right, this is really important to you. Don't let Lewis know anything about your personality. Successfully get this fight. I'll start it off this week, everybody. A prisoner at San Quentin fatally stabbed a death row inmate. The attacker has been charged with murder, and the victim has been charged with first-degree cutting in line. A spoil sport. Yeah. inmate. The attacker has been charged with murder and the victim has been charged with first degree cutting in line. Spoil sport.

Starting point is 00:12:10 Suspect in a Florida sex sting claims he only showed up because he thought it was a trap and wanted to see it unfold in action. He also told authorities he was, quote, holding that poopy cucumber for a friend. I do like, because I kind of sympathize with this guy where if I was like getting invited to something, I was like, oh, this is definitely like with this guy, where if I was getting invited to something,

Starting point is 00:12:28 and I was like, oh, this is definitely an orgy sting or something by the local, I'd be like, it would be pretty funny to watch everyone get arrested at this orgy. Man, the phrase Florida sex sting, that sounds like a brand of mace. Yeah. Sounds like what Kim Congdon does after you fertilize her eggs. Yeah, but you can only do it once, and then it pulls their guts out. Just Steve Irwin's you in the heart with your poisonous fingernails. Speaking of Florida, a Florida child whose parents refused to give him the flu... Fuck.

Starting point is 00:12:55 God damn it. They refused to give him the flu fuck. Yeah. A Florida child whose parents refused to give him the flu vaccine has died from the flu virus. Nothing in the world is sadder than a kid having to live in Florida for a while. All right, maybe I fucked it up five more times. Yeah. Sometimes I write bad things.

Starting point is 00:13:17 What are you doing here? I'm getting out all of the Tom. I was holding it in to seem professional. He's Tom-stipated. I'm like, someone grab me my boxy gloves. I'm going to wear them on my feet. How is that supposed to help? I'm going to be an upside-down kangaroo.

Starting point is 00:13:32 Yes. Oh, this one's rough. This week marks the 20th anniversary of the murder of Matthew Shepard. Homophobes the worldwide are planning to celebrate by flying their gay teens at half-mast. What did they do to him? They tied him to a fence. Yeah. I mean, I'd laugh, but it's a good joke.

Starting point is 00:13:49 Yeah. It's not good. You know when they put the little plastic cups in the fence to spell out the name of the school? Yeah. That's what ISIS does, but it's gay people to just spell out ISIS. ISIS class of 18 rules. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:03 All right, we need three midgets to do the exclamation points. Yeah, yeah. All right, we need three midgets to do the exclamation points. Yeah, yeah. Why did I write in an ellipsis? These severed heads are... Okay. Sword is dull. I need a new one. Go into town, and when you see a guy with a pink T-shirt, bring back head.

Starting point is 00:14:16 We are almost done with mural. Elizabeth Warren released DNA test results showing a strong likelihood of Native American DNA. Ironically, releasing test results proving you're Native American is the whitest thing you can possibly do. That is what disqualified me. I'm like, okay, if you got a 23andMe kid, you're fucking white.

Starting point is 00:14:37 Yeah, it's honking. You're looking for any out. And the more excited about it, the whiter you are. A 23andMe kid should just be called, what slurs can I get away with dot biz? Yeah. That would be great if they just give you an envelope and you open it up and you're like, I got spic. You know, like you're just like you're allowed to say it now. Yes.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Like booster packs. You're like, oh, my God, 25% African. The Charizard of fucking 23-meter results. I got a holographic jab. Yeah. A Southern California pig had to be lured back into its home via Trail of Doritos ET method after it was seen running around the streets. After it was locked up, it was heard saying, Keith C. phone home. Man,

Starting point is 00:15:25 you took a long walk to an E.T. joke. You had a pig from California who loved Doritos. It was all there for you. I heard you say shit. This happened in San Bernardino. Yeah, I did. Everyone was sharing pictures of it. It was pretty cute. It was a cool pig. I would ride

Starting point is 00:15:41 the hell out of that pig. Yep, that's Tom's mouth. Well, I'm flattered, but I just like it. Yeah, yeah. Like a horse. Tom rides around on a pig. Dude, I think... Tom and his hog mount. I think I would look so much more natural riding a pig like a horse than a horse.

Starting point is 00:15:56 You'd look much more natural riding a pig than a car. You know, I mean, you'd be like, oh, yeah, my Uber's here. We talked about this somewhere, but I just picture you riding on a giant pigeon. I don't remember that. Like an avatar, but for trash. Dude, pig with wings. You've got some shitty saddle you've made out of an old messenger bag that you're using to fucking steer the pigeon. Dude, that's like my medieval...

Starting point is 00:16:17 Full of crumbs and you just throw them where you want to go. Yeah, yeah, you have like a crumb slingshot, so he's just chasing different, like, you know, various... My medieval, like, mode of, like, fairytale mode of transportation is a pig with bat wings. like a crumb slingshot so he's just chasing different like you know various my medieval like motive like fairy tale mode of transportation is a pig with bat wings I think I would I would not think would be more fitting for me than a pig with bat wings I don't hate it I agree a drag queen broke his hand punching a

Starting point is 00:16:37 Nazi in the face friends knew the man's hand was injured because his wrist was no longer limp yeah I only had time to write to because I wrote up about a 15 because I woke up 15 minutes before the show started after staying up until 3 in the morning editing last night's show. Here's how chaos life has been. How chaotic. Take two.

Starting point is 00:16:56 This is how chaotic life has been. I forgot what I was going to say. That sentence. It was a roller coaster, But they didn't finish building it So you just got to the top And then you just Into a fort Oh I texted them

Starting point is 00:17:10 If they were awake this morning I was the first one Do you know how fucked up that is? To wake up to be like You guys Yeah You guys ready? I had got my coffee

Starting point is 00:17:19 I got a burrito before I slept through like 8.30 But I guess I just blew through them But fuck yeah Yeah I slept through my alarms Because I was dying of stomach AIDS. Oh, yeah. You needing the shit and pain is pretty funny. Well, I'm glad you had a good time.

Starting point is 00:17:33 I mean, I was worried about you, but it's also, you know, you play injured very well. You're like Jordan, you know? He did best when he was sick. All right, guys, I'm just going to make up jokes based on these headlines Trump signs bill requiring airports To provide spaces for nursing mothers The nursing spaces will be free But the viewing will cost

Starting point is 00:17:54 One quarter for every five minutes There we go That's kind of a thing That was my first idea There you go The midterm The midterm... Oh, okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:07 The midterm polls are projecting to be the biggest gender gap since 1982, with only 37% of women voting Republican. Upon questioning the president on this news, he said, I just walk up to women and grab them right in the gender gap. Sure. Gender gap is a new word, new term for pussy. We need right in the gender gap. Sure. Gender gap is a new word, new term for pussy. We need to do new names again. I mean, that wasn't

Starting point is 00:18:32 necessarily a proof that we needed to do that. No, I don't prove anything. Well, I prove that proof is bullshit, I think. What am I saying? Guys, someone say words instead of me. You just ramble your way. Tase me in the butthole.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Oh, yeah, we'll get there. The butthole shall be tased. You really were like just like. I am the toffee lord. Well, yeah, you were just like talking so regularly while Louis was in here. And then it's like you put on the mask, but it makes you stupid. Here's the thing. Okay, we finished with Louis, so I'm going to go have a cigarette and hop a full bag of paint.

Starting point is 00:19:05 And then when I come back, I'll be garbage. I could be normal. It's just boring. You know that article where it tells you all the drugs? Okay, you hot topic t-shirt. Yeah, man. Normal is boring. I've dyed my hair.

Starting point is 00:19:16 Sarcasm is another free service I provide. Yeah. The article of Hunter S. Thompson, all the drugs he does, and he finally starts writing at 2 in the morning. You know, Tom, it's like noon. You know, fucking flapjacks, absinthe, lunch, cigarettes, jogging, afternoon, boxing practice, weed that he borrowed from his roommate. At 8 o'clock, we podcast. Yeah, fucking yesterday, I ate Sour Patch Kids for breakfast and then went on a two-and-a-half-mile run. Oh, after you smoked a cigarette. Yeah, after I smoked a cigarette.

Starting point is 00:19:50 Well, yeah, Tom was just hanging out in my room while I was editing the show, and I was like, sorry, what was your day? He was like, good, I had those Sour Patch Kids for breakfast, smoked a cigarette, and ran two-and-a-half miles. I could have gone for three-and-a-half if I had eaten something that wasn't that. A lot of protein in the Sour Patch family. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:20:07 And finally, or no, we got two more. Yeah. Members of the group The Proud Boys got into a violent altercation with protesters in Manhattan. One onlooker was quoted as saying, they're good people on both sides, doggy. Wrote ironically, as you'll hear later. All right. A rare Viking ship was discovered using radar. Where did these Vikings get radar?

Starting point is 00:20:33 Sorry, guys. I really am overworked. I promise. I'm not just being lazy. I have a joke I've written for this headline, but I'm going to wait until we get to you. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 00:20:45 I got to think of mine. Sears filed for bankruptcy. Bad news for people needing new shoes, tires, and a crock pot, but think they are too classy for a Walmart. A Michigan man was accidentally run over by a lawnmower while trying to murder his son with a chainsaw. Authorities are calling it the darkest episode of Home Improvement ever. We need more our kids back. All right.

Starting point is 00:21:10 The government is spending millions of dollars to guard Confederate cemeteries. I've heard of a gated community, but this is ridiculous. Fuck yourself.

Starting point is 00:21:22 That's what I thought of. Government spends millions to guard Confederate cemeteries, proving when there's no more room in hell, the South will rise again. Oh, yeah. That's good. Harvard has been found to exclude Asians from being accepted into the school. What?

Starting point is 00:21:39 A school in Boston is racist? Shocking. I like to think that you counted how many vowels you were going to add to each of those words. I don't count. What? Shocking. Ooh. Ooh, Asians.

Starting point is 00:21:54 In his case. That's when my calculus teacher, Mr. Chang, went to Harvard. He went to high school in Harvard with Barack Obama, weirdly. Oh, weird. And he was like, yeah, Harvard will send me to interview kids that want to go there and they'll just be these Asian girls that have perfect grades in every extracurricular ever and I'll just be like, you're doomed.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Except it's Secret Genius Janitor before an Asian. You are aware that that film is not a documentary. I don't. You don't know that. Well, we'll be right back with Luis J. Gomez. Yeah, right after this. Do you need a dog right now? Don't have time for the rigorous process of buying one from a normal dog buy-in place?

Starting point is 00:22:34 Then visit the Box of Small Dogs on the side of the freeway. Hi, I'm not a cop. Official spokesman for the Box of Small Dogs on the side of the freeway. These small dogs are standing by and waiting for you to pick them up. How did they get there? Who put them in that box? Why ask? There's definitely a story, and it ain't a good one. The Box of Small Dogs on the side of the freeway is so easy to use, even a fucking retard can do it.

Starting point is 00:22:59 Just go to the side of the freeway. You know the one. There you'll see the box. You'll know it's the one you're looking for because it'll be full of small dogs. Unless they all got took or a truck tried to merge too late. Just pick out the dog you want and now that's your problem now. Presto!

Starting point is 00:23:15 The box of small dogs on the side of the freeway's got all kinds of small dogs for your taking pleasure. We got the brown one, the little one, the other brown one, the fucked up one one the one that's actually a sick cat and more don't delay supplies are limited and traffic is getting hairy the box full of small dogs on the side of the freeway because one man's act of hasty animal abuse is another used free dog hey everybody welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Starting point is 00:23:45 You accept the special guest you think you deserve. I'm Connor McSpatty. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... The Puerto Rican Chicken himself, Louis J. Gomez. Puerto Rican Chicken. Yeah, you remember all our fans have been harassing you for a while because you wouldn't fight Tom.

Starting point is 00:23:58 You remember when we did that for a week and then you were very polite about the whole thing and it kind of blew over? Wow. Yeah. Wow, we really got you. This is what you get for being really nice to me. well no here's the thing i said i'll fucking fight tom i'll fight tom right now in the backyard i'm just not doing it on fucking we don't have a backyard you gotta go on the roof garbage bar oh the roof would be good two man climb one man die because whoever's losing the winner's probably gonna fall through the roof and then you know

Starting point is 00:24:24 that's a real TKO. Yeah. Yeah. It's like backyard wrestling. You create as many different things as you can to make it more dangerous to like thumbtacks

Starting point is 00:24:32 on top of the roof. Yeah, exactly. Barbed wire and live chickens. All the shit that's already up there. It's already up there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:39 How do you feel like you could hit Tom with a staple gun and he would barely notice? Like honestly, fighting in our front yard would be playing on one of those shitty Smash Bros

Starting point is 00:24:46 stage where it's trying to knock you off. There's just Latino toddlers throwing grapefruits at you from across the road. Or, Ellis Mania. Yeah, it's pretty much the same thing. That's pretty much Mario Kart for guys that work at factories. You just show up and you're like, I gotta pop his balloons

Starting point is 00:25:01 and I get 500 bucks so I can take my wife to Sizzler. We all watched the fight in the garage. My favorite part was the ball fucking fell into the ring while you got to refine. Get the fucking ball. Yeah. The fight before us was a roller skate fight. And they had two guys on roller skates with boxing gloves on that got to box while they gave the fans dodge balls. Following that, did that lessen your

Starting point is 00:25:26 moment because it was fucking watching the whole build up to it was incredible watching the fight was exciting it was the whole thing was a fucking blast it was awesome I was so happy for you but was it a little bit soured by the fact that you had to go on after circus shit no not for me I mean it was like it

Starting point is 00:25:42 wouldn't have been but then I have Michael Bisping rolling his eyes. Yeah. That's so fucking nuts. Fucking, you know, trashing me the whole like I'm going like I'm in my head like this, like the biggest moment of my life. Right. Meanwhile, there's like circus clowns and goats walking by me for the next fight. And he's just like, this is Rocky to Rocky.

Starting point is 00:25:58 This is like B-roll. Yeah. So, yeah, it was the whole thing was kind of surreal i liked it dude and like i said i i really i it's it's so much time and if you end up fighting on our our comedian mma pay-per-view that me and ari shafir are going to eventually try to put together yeah um you'll see dude it takes so much to do and it's a it's a lot um i just felt like tom was a nobody. Yeah, which is fair. And not incorrect. You know, I was just going like,

Starting point is 00:26:29 at what point do, something's got to give here. I can't just keep on fighting smaller LA nobodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're eventually going to bite me in the ass. People are going to be like, hey, dude, what's going on? You're just sort of a bully. What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:26:42 It's unfair to call Tom small. He's also kind of fat. Yeah, yeah. Not fat. Here's the thing, Tom, and Tom I'm sure is a scrappy motherfucker, sort of a bully what are you doing to call tom small he's also kind of fat yeah not fat tom usually tom and tom i'm sure is a scrappy motherfucker you know but the reality is like you know what's the upside for me i'm exactly bigger than right right so if he beats me he's a fucking nobody who then beat me i got beat up by a small nobody yeah where is the upside here i mean there's no upside for us because it upside for us. I see your point. As a guy to whom this is not important at all,

Starting point is 00:27:08 nothing but upsides. We talked about this. The only two ways this is good is if it's the best fight ever or if you knock Tom out in like three seconds. It would have been so funny. I would have been pissed, but it would have been so fucking funny. I wouldn't be mad. I would have had a framed poster of him on there.

Starting point is 00:27:27 Blown up as big as possible. You would have been so fucking funny. I wouldn't be bad. I would have had a framed poster of him on the map blown up as big as possible. You would have been the Muhammad Ali in this crack house. Yeah, yeah. I get fucking, dude, I get like obsessive with it and that's what happened. I got obsessed. Oh, I could tell, man. And it was like, it was really cool. I want to do it again.

Starting point is 00:27:39 I want to definitely, just for the simple sake of getting in shape and like sort of setting this like weird goal that has nothing to do with getting in shape and sort of setting this weird goal that has nothing to do with getting in shape. You have to be in better shape or you could fucking die. I'm exaggerating a little bit. People learn that they can actually write jokes

Starting point is 00:27:54 when they do roast battle because they're like, oh, if I bomb, everyone's going to think I'm a stupid asshole in front of all my friends. It's like, oh, I can't get in shape if there's a fucking fat 45-year-old Steve Rantazzisi satellite comedian.

Starting point is 00:28:06 Yeah. You know what I think you should do, though? Tower 7 of the Steve Rannazzisi empire. Yes, yeah. David Shinn O'Neill. This is what I'll say is that you guys, I think this is the fight. Triple threat MMA fight between the three of you guys. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:28:21 Last man standing. Really? You wouldn't do that? Yeah. Who's this? Tom coming to just destroy both of you guys. Oh, no. Last man standing. Really? You wouldn't do that? Yeah. Was it just Tom coming to just destroy both of you? Tom's going to cause more friendly fire

Starting point is 00:28:31 than anything else. He's going to land on me and break my brittle bones. It's going to be me and Connor both just strategically trying to figure out how to hide in a ring with 10,000 people.

Starting point is 00:28:41 He's going to remind Tom about some broken relationship he had. He'll start punching himself in the face. With 10,000 people watching at's got to remind Tom about some broken relationship he had. He'll start punching himself in the face. With 10,000 people watching at home on the opening Anthony Subway, screaming illegally.

Starting point is 00:28:50 Use the schizophrenia equivalent of throwing sand in your face. Start beating yourself. Nobody has punched me in the face harder than I've punched myself in fits of rage. Just pure fucking... You do seem like a guy

Starting point is 00:29:03 that would punch yourself. Yeah, because you can't punch your girlfriend. i don't have time for coffee this morning so i got to give myself a wake-up call yeah punch myself i have a dent in my car the size of a bowling ball and it just came from i shouldn't punch that other guy so you uh you punched i punched my car okay that's not gonna do it yeah yeah that's's it. No, Tom is actually training for the Street Fighter bonus round. You should see what he can do to barrels. Well, he's throwing them at princesses. Yeah, it's crazy.

Starting point is 00:29:39 He's doing his whole CrossFit program. Riding down them in waterfalls, throwing them at princesses. Wearing them as pants. Yeah, two straps is all you need. Tom, you do look like you could wear a barrel as an outfit. Oh, I'm sure I could. Yeah, no, this has been an ongoing theme. I barely don't already dress that way.

Starting point is 00:30:00 I already just find most of my clothes. I've got to put on my formal barrel, And it's just a barrel with a bow tie. And Lewis's outfit, right? I was saying we got to start the show just because I had so many thoughts. I'm wearing the same outfit as you. You are. It's the same outfit. This cocksucker guy is like, dude, I've got a lot to say about your outfit.

Starting point is 00:30:18 As soon as we saw my sweatpants, T-shirt, sneakers, and hat, you dickhead. The same exact thing. What's wrong with my version of your outfit? Because you're not white. What's wrong with my version of everything? Yeah, exactly. You look like you're training on monkey bars at some kind of paramilitary compound in Oklahoma to overthrow some low-level form of the government.

Starting point is 00:30:39 Oh, dude, we're fucking hijacking the Coast Guard. You look like you're halfway through the Turner Diaries, and you're like, I get it. Yeah, yeah. They're like, you're the diversity pole in the sleeper cell. They're like, no one's going to see it coming. Okay, this guy. Fuck, man. What are you in LA for? How long have you been here for? Yeah, we got tonight

Starting point is 00:30:57 and tomorrow we got Legion of Skanks live at the Comedy Store. Then Thursday I'm running my hour at the La Jolla Comedy Store la jolla comedy store you got some tortillas coming up i want i want you to talk about those because i fucking love the branding for this thing of lewis j gomez presents lewis j gomez is that what it is yeah yeah it's too every time lewis finds something about himself that makes people mad he just leans into it and becomes more popular than ever well it's also it's kind of a knock at amy schumer yeah like as are most things

Starting point is 00:31:26 you do yeah i mean the equinox hat that's a subtle attack on her why couldn't she yeah yeah i you can afford it i think you can afford it yeah she uh no you know she she just produced mark norman special and samuel special and i don't really give a fuck but it's very funny that like if you look at the font sizes like her name is just as large as their names and her name comes first and you know we had Mark on our show and he talked about just sort of like she kind of like stole the pop you know she

Starting point is 00:31:56 comes out and she you know she stole the pop and and you know she comes out and the crowd goes nuts for her and then he comes out afterwards in the second like intro you know his introduction is smaller than her introduction. It's just fucking bizarre. Yeah, yeah. So, and then also, you know, the industry won't.

Starting point is 00:32:11 So you're going to bring yourself on and then change outfits really quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to. Yeah, I just, so sort of, it's also, and then also I'm like a self-producer. I produce my own shit. Like, nobody gives me anything. Yeah. So it's also, you know, it's that as well.

Starting point is 00:32:24 Oh, look around. Us neither. Yeah, yeah. You guys are gross. We just haven't stolen enough of your fans to do it on the level you'll do it soon enough you guys are coming up we just skanks we starting to hate each other you guys still have that chemistry it's great it's perfect oh yeah yeah we got other six months before yeah i mean in terms of people that should be business partners with anybody we're all pretty much tied for last yeah yeah you know what i mean i think i'm the last i think i'm the worst business partner here yeah you have definitely uh picked up yeah on your bronze medal finish yeah business aptitude tom yeah yeah i think um yeah the the legion of skanks

Starting point is 00:33:02 crew we're fucking i don't know it's a It's a What we're doing And what we're trying to do I think is It's pretty cool And you guys are fucking The next generation of this shit Which is like You're the

Starting point is 00:33:12 You know Well it's kind of a Well I think I'm talking about saying the N word Patreon and everything What? I'm talking about saying the N word That's really it

Starting point is 00:33:18 Yeah We keep that off there He got those out of his system In the living room Playing with his That was pretty great Watching Lewis play With a Japanese children's toy He got those out of his system in the living room playing with his Ken Donovan toy. That was pretty great, watching Lewis play with a Japanese children's toy and yell racial snorts. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:37 But yeah, no, I mean, it's kind of a firewall against the industry ever giving a shit about you. Because if you sort of have your own thing, then you can be like, well, you know, it's a very real chance no one ever is going to want to put me on TV or hire me or anything. But if I can get, you know, these 10,000 people to give me five bucks a month, then, you know, I very good very real chance no one ever is going to want to put me on tv or hire me or anything but if i can get you know these 10 000 people to give me five bucks a month then you know i can yeah then it's you know and watching what you're paying for cover up for my girlfriend's bruises it's really kind of like fed into like what we do here where i'm like oh yeah kind of trying to grab and by the way she's puerto rican she's bruise colored already yeah that's why i started dating her Louis picks up girlfriends like bananas at the store he's like look for that color where it hides you know he's a

Starting point is 00:34:09 but like buying a car like the black is gonna show dirt all right we're gonna yeah somewhere on my god you set the Puerto Ricans melanin level to victim my girlfriend's bruise colored I gotta write that down that's great yeah yeah yeah no but uh yeah I think you, you got to do shit yourself, especially now, you know. And people especially, they want to support people who, that's what's fucking relatable, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:34 You know, it's like everyone can relate to the guy who has not been given a chance because most people sit at home and not been given a fucking chance. Nobody's handed anything. And, you know, i don't look i guess i earlier in my career i would have wanted to be handed stuff but now at this point it just makes you fucking that much stronger you know yeah if you're you know and i think because we lean into it as well we get away with it you know if you you can't be you can't tiptoe motherfucker you know you gotta you gotta you really do you can't if you tiptoe around and you want to fucking be half in half out and hoping that you're gonna then they're gonna burn you but

Starting point is 00:35:11 if you're if you're just like yeah dude fuck you like i literally we sit we we call ourselves the most offensive podcast on earth and that's on purpose we do it because when people see it they go like dude don't even fucking press play if you're not ready to hear some fucked up shit right and it gives us the flexibility to do it i don't really do that same type of shit dude, don't even fucking press play if you're not ready to hear some fucked up shit. Right. And it gives us the flexibility to do it. I don't really do that same type of shit. I don't do that on Bisping's podcast. Or if I go on a television show, I mean, my stand up is pretty fucking offensive. But, you know.

Starting point is 00:35:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, I think there's also a need for that as well. People want to, dude, you go around fucking, like people literally want to hear fucked up shit. Yeah. Yeah. They really do. So, yeah, you guys are fucking, you guys are great. And, you know, I did your live show back at the Creek and Cave. And so yeah you guys are fucking you guys are great and you

Starting point is 00:35:45 know i did your live show back at the the creek and cave and i thought you guys were fucking awesome the production you put into it it's great now i thought i was gonna i really did because of the production you put into the show i was like i thought i was gonna come into like a really professional environment yeah oh yeah i did i was like these guys are fucking and then i showed up and then i was like you know i looked around i like, all right What's going on? We like buying drugs here and we're doing this at the house your mom died Yeah, you're fucking so good. And, you know, this is gross. Yeah, we love it.

Starting point is 00:36:28 It's a gross environment. Oh, it's super gross. That's the thing. We can afford to focus on making this show dumb and cool because we live in a gross... Yeah. I live in the kitchen. I want to get along with everybody, man.

Starting point is 00:36:38 I'll take fans from Lewis. I'll take fans from fucking comedy. As long as we're taking. That's what's important. Yeah. We really are fan pilots. I'm just trying to Katamari Damacy my way to being able to fucking, you know, pay for the car insurance for this shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:50 You know what sucks? My vape pen. You know, I said I hope I didn't break it. You broke it. It's not hitting now. Ah. Oh, well. I have weed.

Starting point is 00:36:58 I just need to use your battery. Oh, sure. Yeah. Hopefully it's just my battery that died. You can try that one, too. That weed. I've been smoking more. You know what?

Starting point is 00:37:06 I've been smoking more weed, and you started this when I was in New York in April because you were the only person to successfully get me high, I think, really ever, and then I've been just smoking since then. Yeah. You turned Tom into a stoner. Yeah. Not a stoner, but just like it's the only thing that gets me to fall asleep. I'll sleep two to four hours a night

Starting point is 00:37:25 if I don't have a little weed or CBD. You know, we're in midtown Manhattan and then I have to do this video game. Oh my God, I forgot about that. I get Tom back to deep Brooklyn,

Starting point is 00:37:34 you know, and he just keeps like, he's like, is that a guy or is that like an ad? And I'm like, Tom, that's a bird. We got to get on the fucking train, buddy.

Starting point is 00:37:43 Oh, the chicken, the chicken pita. Oh, yeah, he gets a chicken gyro, and it fucking explodes all over him. I was just drenched in white sauce walking down a very Jewish area of Brooklyn. That was not a chicken gyro. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just blew a fucking homeless guy. It's like, what, I got a chicken gyro.

Starting point is 00:38:01 Yeah, come on. He's taking tinfoil so he can trick the idiots. Well, that's what the fucking, you turned yourself into like a divorced Gallagher show. Just trying to get back to Dave Cyrus' house. Yeah. That was my only pair of pants back then, too. It was, yeah. And I just.

Starting point is 00:38:18 Don't, don't, don't. Let me tell you something. I still only own one pair of pants. Are you kidding me? I have two now. Seats. What a weird thing to do. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:26 You don't need more than one. You need one pair of fucking nice jeans that you wear. Then you need another pair that's kind of a backup. And usually that backup pair, the thighs have been rubbed out from your fat thighs. For me, anyway. Yeah. You get a little chafe chaps. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:38:43 And those are sort of your backups, like when you're fucking, you know, when you have a laundry day. Yeah. And then some sweatpants. Sweatpants, a couple pair of shorts, you're fucking fired, dog. Yeah. If you own more than one pair of jeans, you're a faggot. See?

Starting point is 00:38:54 You fucking losers. Yeah, I own three pairs of jeans. Yeah. I also am a fag. Yeah. That's crazy, dude. What are you, a fucking fashionista? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Starting point is 00:39:03 Forget the gas digital SS is breaking in the... Three pairs, sir? I'm sorry. It's crazy dude What are you a fucking fashionista What the fuck is wrong with you Forget the gas digital SS Is breaking in the Three pairs sir I'm sorry It's crazy What are you It's in the gay camp I get it that it's fucking LA

Starting point is 00:39:12 You guys gotta be on top Of the fucking latest trends But Jesus Christ You throw on your jeans You take them off Who cares Who's looking at anybody's jeans If anybody's ever noticed

Starting point is 00:39:19 That I only wear one pair of jeans For weeks at a time That's creepy They're also gay Yeah I'm having sex with them My girlfriend is gay because she fucks men I've been I've done the math on this yeah yeah I don't wear I just buy one at a time I like the way they fit it's like the rule of the Sith one pair of jeans you know

Starting point is 00:39:37 and you fucking you train them and then they then they betray you yeah what are your pants kill you yeah condescending guys are very condescending. That's the problem. You're the leader here You need to realize Then you try to arm the rebels and stage a coup Not standing for retard contra No Bay of Toms Tom you're the fucking leader here, dude Don't let them fucking, you know.

Starting point is 00:40:07 The problem is they say too many words, and I see what happens. Tom. I get bored. But it's okay because you're only picking up on the ones that are necessary. I do the same shit. I'm like, man. You got to sit back, play rope-a-dope. Yeah, sometimes you got to let them fucking talk themselves out until they're tired.

Starting point is 00:40:21 Then you go, okay. Tom's 90 episodes deep, so I'm sure waiting for him to pay off on this rope it's a long rope more of a dope a dope yeah yeah we got it we got to talk about this but tom has been i don't want to blow up your spot but you've been you've been excited oh i've been yeah i've been obsessing on whether or not this is gonna happen but fight yeah yeah i already said it's not no no no no No, no, no. It's with you. Oh, with somebody else. We're not that thirsty. Don't worry. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:48 Well, no. We really want to do it. Ari's just super busy. Ari and Sam Tripoli want to fight each other. I don't have anybody in particular that I want to fight, but I would do it. I would definitely fight somebody else. Would you want to fight another comic? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:01 You have to be a comic. The rule is you have to be a comic. You cannot have extensive training. Gotcha, gotcha. You can't be like a fucking fighter. Yeah, yeah. Could you fight like fight another comic? Yeah, you have to be a comic. The rule is you have to be a comic. You cannot have extensive training. Gotcha, gotcha. You know, you can't be like a fucking fighter. Yeah, yeah. Could you fight like Kirsten? I know Kirsten's done like a...

Starting point is 00:41:10 Kirsten's got extensive training. He wants to do it, though. I talked to him. He wants to do it. But I'd have to get somebody more advanced to go fight somebody like Kirsten, right? Because he, like, legitimate... Kirsten's a legitimate martial artist.

Starting point is 00:41:21 I believe that he's at least a purple belt, maybe even a brown belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I mean, he'll fucking strangle you, you know, and then fucking, you know, rape your sister.

Starting point is 00:41:30 I don't know, what does Jamie do now? Is he raping chicks openly? Is that his thing? What if he institutes some kind of roller skate handicap where he has to do it

Starting point is 00:41:38 standing on a beach ball like a circus bear, all right, and you're blindfolded. Would you fight Jamie Kelsey and Tom? Yeah, I'll do it. Would you do it?

Starting point is 00:41:45 Yeah. We could do a roller skate handicap. That's how we turn this guy into an alt-right fucking anti-hero. That's the way we do it. Yeah, dude. You just get a fucking Proud Boys shirt. Hey, guys, this racist thumb. Sure won't.

Starting point is 00:41:59 Jamie Kilstein. This racist thumb. Racist thumb destroys feminist pinky. Oh, shit. Now I want destroys feminist pinky. He's racist. Oh, shit. Now I want that to happen. Yeah, no. I don't know him.

Starting point is 00:42:13 No, Jamie's a super cool dude, by the way. He is, but I think he'd fucking kill you. I think you don't want to go against somebody that advanced. You don't have any jiu-jitsu, really, right? I have. Yeah, I listened to one of the real ass where my jiu-jitsu got played up a little bit. I have basic knowledge on the ground. I have some j some jujitsu. Knowledge isn't going to do shit, dude.

Starting point is 00:42:27 You got to spar. You got to get in there and be in the match. Yeah, no, no, no. I know. Knowledge is not going to do shit. That's what, what are you talking about? Knowledge is nothing. But no, against anyone who's belted in jujitsu, they'll fucking whoop my ass on the ground.

Starting point is 00:42:39 You want to be an MMA fighter? Here's what you do. You sell comedy club tickets on the street for several years. That's true. Pocket most of the money. I learned more MMA getting high and drunk in my living room with Dave Smith and my buddy Wes, who was a college wrestler. We would just get hammered and stoned and we would fucking grapple in my living room

Starting point is 00:42:59 like idiots all the time. I got cauliflower from it. I literally have cauliflower from grappling my buddies. Oh, shit. People see my ears and they're like oh this guy's a fucking tough dude this has nothing to do with anything i'd never trained or anything i got cauliflower here so i'm just picturing this dojo you know this training one the 36 chambers of luis j gomez but it really was like you learn more you learn more actually putting it into practice against other dudes that are just trying to choke you. It doesn't matter if the technique's not there.

Starting point is 00:43:27 What's happening is you're in a real-time situation. Your fucking buddy's trying to choke you, and you've got to get out of it. You have to sort of be there and react, and then you start to watch MMA, and you start to see what they're doing, and then you start to apply what you see there, and then you sort of put it all together.

Starting point is 00:43:41 So the knowledge does fucking help, but you actually have to go and practice. No, no, no. I mean, I train for a little bit when i say basic knowledge i briefly cauliflower yeah i briefly learned some jiu-jitsu but i'm not this cauliflower personality yeah damn that was yeah uh what the fuck was it why haven't we fixed cauliflower can you drain it can you like pop it or is it just i think the mma guys want to fucking have it because it's like a Why haven't we fixed cauliflower? Can you drain it? Can you like pop it? Or is it just coming back to palace? I think the MMA guys want to fucking have it Because it's like a badge of honor

Starting point is 00:44:09 And chicks who know what it is They think it's fucking hot, right? Chicks think it's hot To me it's the grossest shit I'm just picturing some gross whore Just wanting to lick a cauliflower ear Yeah, just tongue fuck your ear butt Let me get into the group bosses

Starting point is 00:44:22 Yeah, it's just a fucking Like scar tissue Scars aren't necessarily good looking. You know, if you got a scar because you fucking, somebody threw a rock at you when you were a kid, that's not a hot sort. If you got a scar because you got into a fight, you got a big split down your face,

Starting point is 00:44:34 you know, a chick's going to want to fuck you. They're like, ooh, I'm not going to be able to take this guy anywhere. Yeah, he lost a fight. This guy's a pussy. This guy's going to get into a pissing contest at the train station. This guy's going to be kicked out of five movie theaters during the course of this relationship. He's going to probably take it out on me one day. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:57 This is a ticking time bomb of passion. But chicks do like that, dude. Whatever. It's fucking dumb, but they really do like a big fucking dude who's willing to. That's, I think, instinctual. Their pussies get wet when they see a fucking big gorilla that could fucking. Talk about Kim. She did a black eyes before me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:13 But who could play football, apparently. You know what she could say. Name names. Well, that's. You can't fuck your woman and call you a gorilla. Yeah. Black MMA. Football. Truly. Black MMA. Prison. Yep. you fucked your woman and called you a gorilla yeah black mma football truly black mma prison but no women fucking see a dude and they see him even if it's a fucking

Starting point is 00:45:34 obnoxious asshole there's something about that even if they don't want to admit it they like that guy much more than the guy who's a little beta who will fucking just walk away from a fight no no chick wants that i don't give a fuck what they say no chick wants a guy who's gonna go if some dudes like yeah your girl's a whore and then he's like well I don't think chicks necessarily want to see you beat the guy up they just want to know you would if you're willing to yeah that's my problem is a the girls girls I dare like oh oh, cool. He would do that. And then they go, oh, shit, he did that.

Starting point is 00:46:07 And that's where the problem. The kind of guy where, like, if your girlfriend was, like, you know, buying a churro and the guy was like, here's your change. You'd be like, he's trying to fuck my woman. Put him through a plate glass window. Are you are you like a fucking quick to anger personality guy? Yeah. I mean, I have a fuse, but no one knows when it's when it's diminishing. And yeah, I. The bar in Philadelphia that you kicked a hole in the wall, I probably know.

Starting point is 00:46:29 What bar is this? How did I miss this story? No, it was a show at. Oh, okay. You kicked a hole there. Oh, yeah, we were setting up chairs, and Tom got angry at them being uneven or pinched his fingers. I pinched my finger, and then I just donkey kicked a hole in the wall. Wow.

Starting point is 00:46:44 This is both great for the next tour booking. Yeah, that's why I'm not naming the bar, because I'd like to go back there, and I'm hoping they don't listen. Oh, yeah. That's a good move. Yeah. You don't think that they have him on security camera donkey kicking a hole in the wall? You don't think they watch that at the Christmas party every year since it happens?

Starting point is 00:46:59 Like, all right, pull up fucking the rhinoceros man's temper tantrum about the folding chairs. I have a short view. Special needs Van Damme is coming. Yeah, yeah. I don't. You'll always be surprised at what sets me off as these two can attest to. Tom, it's not like he's dangerous to be. It's fine, but he does get pissed off.

Starting point is 00:47:22 It's just like, but it's something random, like just a series of words that you're not allowed to say in succession yeah that's exactly what we asked the ice cream man is around the corner beat it we've never fought

Starting point is 00:47:34 anyone you show him a choco taco and he's like yeah president yeah and we fought it you just throw a sandwich

Starting point is 00:47:43 at his feet and then he's just now blood. But I get called retarded for 90 episodes. I'm like, oh, whatever. You know, it's... Yeah, yeah. But don't mention money while we're walking to the train, because I might throw a trash can at somebody. There's triggers.

Starting point is 00:48:01 I have triggers. Yeah. We all have triggers. Yeah. You probably don't want to advertise these to your family yeah or ours no it's not even things that people can say it's my triggers are when i'm running late to something every single time if i'm running late i'm going to try to hurt people like it's just in whatever way emotionally sexually like no no no it's 20 minutes late better commit a rape like yeah well no it's i really do think

Starting point is 00:48:29 that it's not i'm not proud of it i'm just if i'm i get fucked up when i'm running late and i get very and i have a serious like you're right like that's not i this is the way i sometimes when i'm going through like good moments in my life, I have this almost analogy that works. If you're going to build a robot, Tom the robot, to live in the place of Tom and do everything in your place. You get to just sit in your fucking room and this robot's going to make all your decisions and go and live your life, right? And hopefully prosper and do everything. I need to find the roller skates for my box. Error, error. Too many paints. I know I am a computer, but teach me how to use

Starting point is 00:49:07 the computer so I can buy used skates that are too big while I slip and get beat up by Mike Feeney for some reason. If we build a robot out of Tommy, it's just a fax machine with a camo hat. Yeah, so he's like a robot. It's an old rotary telephone with a boot stuck to it.

Starting point is 00:49:30 What did I tell you the other day? Just a speak and spell taped to a rack. Yeah, I think that's what it was, yeah. That's the Tom robot. Yeah, yeah. But no, you would build this robot and you would never – I would never program my robot to start fighting with cab drivers en route to where I'm going when I'm late. You would never program it. That would never be the solution there.

Starting point is 00:49:54 You would literally go like, oh, yeah, we'd never do that. That's stupid. You would always program it to come up with the absolute best decision to kind of move you ahead in life and make you a fucking millionaire or billionaire or whatever your dreams were, it would never be fight this cabbie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're never going to get there, but it's hard to remind myself of that. You can just be aware of your wiring and you kind of get better about it over time.

Starting point is 00:50:14 That's really all you could do. Yeah, I try. I really do. And you let it out every once in a while. I mean, you frankly wouldn't be as popular as you are if you didn't have outbursts at screenings of Black Panther. It's true. For company outings.

Starting point is 00:50:26 Well, I didn't call it Black Panther. I like that we all came up with one in our head. We all moved on. We all moved on. Yeah, no. I agree. It's returns. I agree. yeah no i know i agree i agree no i i think um yeah you're just trying to fucking trying to be

Starting point is 00:50:49 better always i don't know it's hard it really is it's a very very difficult thing to do i control it around my kid that's the only person that i control it around yeah um and you know a little bit like in life you know but it is uh yeah if you're if you're gonna save this and you save it for the kid yeah you think you think the kid has like mailed you out more or gotten you more amped up at little shit when he's not around? That's an interesting point, actually, because it's almost like in life you can't say fucked up shit anymore. You know what I'm saying? Like, you can't. Like, in work, in school, like, you know, it's a different time.

Starting point is 00:51:21 You can't, like, make the same type of jokes we used to make. Right. You know, and so what happens? Everyone goes home, and they go on to Reddit and YouTube, and they go, like, yeah, and they fucking let it all out, and it's a different time you can't like make the same type of jokes we used to make right you know and so what happens everyone goes home and they go on to reddit and youtube and they go like yeah and they fucking let it all out and it's extreme and maybe there's something to that because like every day i'm like a dad i'm just walking around i'm like oh man i need to let this out and then as soon as my kids out like i'm just quick to fucking yeah as soon as you leave the apartment like all right i gotta go steal some starbucks i gotta get into a shouting match with someone to crosswalk all right i I've got to get into a shouting match with someone at a crosswalk. All right?

Starting point is 00:51:47 I've got to break up and get back together with my girlfriend and do nine podcasts where I say the N-word constantly. And then I'll be cleansed enough to go home and make him some scrambled eggs for dinner. It's true. And I'm a good father because of it. I know. If I didn't let all of that out, now on the flip side, when I come home, I might just let a few N-words out

Starting point is 00:52:03 while I'm making him some pasta. Yep. You know? Kind of spell it for him in his fucking SpaghettiOs. Next thing you know, he's the most popular kid at his private school. He knows all the cool words. You know, everyone's like, whoa, James brought in a new one. Have you ever heard

Starting point is 00:52:20 of a garboon? Whoa. No way. God, garboon is such a good deep cut one. Yeah. Is that an actual racial slur? I think so. I just learned it from Keith. Oh, don't you put that on me.

Starting point is 00:52:32 I've learned a lot of racial slurs. It's just Django Unchained. Okay. All right. Yeah, maybe I didn't pay... What about Quentin Tarantino? Sorry, I pay more attention to my friend. Wait, what group does that taunt?

Starting point is 00:52:43 What do you think, Tom? It's in Django Unchained. It sounds Italian. I thought maybe it was... That's what it is. They're yelling at the one Italian guy. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:52:51 I haven't seen the movie. Whoa, what about Italian Mandingo fights? Hey, oh, come on. What's the matter? You all fucking... The master's up my ass. All right, you're up my ass. We got something to give.

Starting point is 00:53:03 Come over here. Ah, my own. Bang. Django Dice Clay. Yeah. my ass all right you're up my ass we got something's gotta give come over here yeah i was the yeah how's the dice cast been been received so far on the on the network we're big andrew dice clay fans over yeah we mean we make fun of andrew dice clay pretty much consistently throughout our career yeah well we just like to imagine if you had different jobs you know just like every time sometimes you see a news story and it it's like there's a new seahorse that rapes other male seahorse. And you're like marine biologist Dice Clay said, oh, it's a fucking dog eat dog world or whatever it is. Right. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I get you a terrible bit. Can you give me another example?

Starting point is 00:53:42 Yeah. Do five more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can make up one. I five more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoy this. Weren't we supposed to write topical jokes? I forgot we never did that. I didn't write them. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:53:52 You know what? I didn't bring it up. I don't know why I'm bringing it up. I just want you to know I didn't do the homework. Here's the thing. I think that was a great way you didn't, and that's why we didn't throw to the segment. I was going to do it, and then I just got really busy, and I could only think of different ways to call Ariana Grande's breakup with Pete Davidson his new 9-11.

Starting point is 00:54:14 There was going to just be five versions of that joke. So I was like, fuck it. That's fine. I mean, we're only half of us. Maybe we'll just keep riffing and playing a game and turn the Ariana tattoo into another Hillary tattoo. It's very easy to do. Or turn it into like an Arian tattoo.

Starting point is 00:54:31 Oh, yeah. Arian Grande? Yeah, Arian Grande. He's a really big Nazi. Yeah. He's a huge Nazi. It's Saturday Night Zod. Featuring the Banks.

Starting point is 00:54:44 With special guest Gavin McGinnis. The Bilderberg Conference. Musical guest Screwdriver. And now here's your host, Pete of 1488 Davidson. Yeah, I changed my middle name to a number because that pop star broke up with me. Why are you doing my impression for pete i don't know i got two voices yeah well yeah you sound like you're from one of those dumb parts in new york it's close enough yeah it sounds like he's got like boogers in his nose at all times

Starting point is 00:55:14 a little bit yeah dude he's so he's fucking fine i like his fucking weekend update shits i really hope he does one i mean if he does one this week about getting dumped two weeks after he does one about being in love with her he he's the greatest of all time. I'll tell you, I don't watch other men living their dreams. It bothers me. Yeah. Yeah. That's such a fair fucking point.

Starting point is 00:55:33 It's true, dude. I don't watch, like, people that I know. Like, I know Michael Che and Pete Davidson, so I don't watch SNL like that. And it's not me being jealous about them. I'm going like, when I watch it, I kind of go like, I need to get to work. It's very difficult to just watch their thing to enjoy it. Oh, yeah. There's a layer of self criticism underneath it. Yes, it's too difficult

Starting point is 00:55:52 to disconnect from it. I can watch a movie because I don't know those people. I can suspend reality and actually watch the story. I'm just watching Pete Davidson. But if that guy bought the cigarette from me, I can't watch him make $5 million. What did I not do that means I'm not there? It's not even as much as that, dude, because it's much more like...

Starting point is 00:56:09 I got to advance me to that. Yes. I got to go out and fucking work right now. I can't be shown up by those dudes. I want to show them I'm on their level, and I got one up them so they can one up me. Yeah. You're just like, yeah, top story. I guess the earth's getting too hot

Starting point is 00:56:25 turns out the western hemisphere are a bunch of fucking queers yeah but uh yeah pete fucking if he came out saturday night and made fun of the breakup that'd be so i would i would have a ton of fun he won't though there's no way dude he's too Yeah, Pete fucking, if he came out Saturday night and made fun of the breakup. That'd be so funny. I would have a ton of fun. He won't, though. There's no way, dude. He's too emotional of a kid. There's no way.

Starting point is 00:56:51 I mean, people are making fun of it, dude. I would be watching him right now if I were people, dude. He fucking, that kid gets legitimately depressed. He's been on medications. He's legitimate. I'd be like, dude, my dad died. I got nothing. I would take whoa okay here we

Starting point is 00:57:06 get in the conversation some guys get all the luck what did his dad die at 9-11 i mean jesus christ you know yeah he died my dad died you know whatever they both died yeah different story yeah yeah different trajectory that day what they were doing probably yeah difference is fuck face gomez couldn't put on a red suit and bring home me two million bucks all right i have to start a podcast network it's fucking crazy dad also died on 9-11 but just somewhere in harlem getting stabbed Fuckface Gomez couldn't put on a red suit and bring home me two million bucks. All right. I have to start a podcast network. It's fucking crazy. Dad also died on 9-11, but just somewhere in Harlem getting stabbed. I bankrupted a guy named Ralph's entire family so I could have a wood burning that I set

Starting point is 00:57:34 my fucking CBD energy drinks down on. And meanwhile, this guy is just hanging out in gold pajamas all day because his dad wasn't good at the job. This is bullshit. Shit. Seriously, why are we praising Pete Davidson when his dad, for all intents and purposes, probably dropped the ball?

Starting point is 00:57:49 I don't remember anybody putting that fire out. They're heroes. I call them failures. How is this more upsetting to 9-11 than when we had Ranazizi on 9-11? We did have Steve Ranazizi two years in a row on 9-11. He only will do the show on 9-11. That's great. Frankly, I, like, wouldn't.

Starting point is 00:58:06 He only will do the show on 9-11, though, now. Well, we didn't. Like a weird werewolf. Yeah. We tried to book him for the live show. He was like, eh, it's not 9-11. Yeah. I mean, it's a, I forgot where I was going with that.

Starting point is 00:58:17 But, yeah, it was a fun. I really, like, when that didn't blow up the podcast and make us overnight, I'm like, well, then what do I have to do? Because this was my idea number. This was the top fucking make us overnight. I'm like, well, then what do I have to do? Because this was my idea number. This was the top fucking plan we had. You guys, you're like, dude, one day we'll get ran as easy on 9-11. Yeah. We have nine months. And then we did it and no one came.

Starting point is 00:58:34 Less views than the episode where Tom put something in his butt. Well, that's our new Patreon. Oh, yeah. Sweeps week. You know what I'm talking about. Tom got real worried because he's not sure if we're kidding. Yeah, I'm not. What amount would we have to get to on Patreon for you to put something in your butt?

Starting point is 00:58:51 I thought we were going to tase me for the next Patreon. Well, we're discussing other avenues. What about putting a taser in your butt? Boom. There you go. Boom. See this guy? He said boom, so you know it's good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:01 I mean... Throw a number out. Oof. Here's the thing. If I'm putting a taser in my butt, you guys aren't getting any of that money. I think that's more than, oh, no, this is for iTunes reviews, huh? No, you're missing the point of the ad. Tom, Tom, it's money.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Money. Why are you willing to do it for iTunes reviews? Shut up. This is perfect. I thought that's what he meant. Our last iTunes review goes 400. For the Tom getting tased in the butt, it'll be 425. And 450, we'll do it again.

Starting point is 00:59:28 Every 25. I just pictured we put a taser in Tom's butt, but we put it in handle first, and now he just is like a terrible bumblebee. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's probably tasing people with his butt. Is it in my butt or on the hole? Here's what I think. It's in the butt.

Starting point is 00:59:39 It's in the butt? It's where it learns to run backwards. You can stop every rape in every park in America. Number one Patreon donor should be able to get to point and shoot one of those shooting tasers at Tom's asshole. I like that. Yeah. You get to actually have Tom's pants over. You got to pay for your own airfare and travel, but you can come here and shoot Tom in the asshole with a taser. Yeah, I might.

Starting point is 01:00:01 I mean, but I get the money. You guys don't get the money. You guys don't get the money. Yeah, but if you guys want to get tasered in the butt, then we'll split the money. Yeah, I might. I mean, but I get the money. You guys don't get the money. Yeah, but if you guys want to get tased in the butt, then we'll split the money. Tom, you understand, you wouldn't have the opportunity to get paid to get tased in the butt

Starting point is 01:00:12 if it wasn't for the hard work of both of these two gentlemen. Yeah, I'd pitch him too. I'd pitch him too. If they're paying extra for butt-tasing privileges. Hold on. Lewis, you're the anus of platform. 40%, 30%, 30%.

Starting point is 01:00:28 I love that. I think that's totally fair. We're giving you a butt bonus. And I just broke my... This is why this is broken, because this piece is broken. Okay. Yeah, guys, Lewis is having some weed problems.

Starting point is 01:00:40 After his very compelling tase you in the butt snake in the Garden of Eden monologue. Tom, I've yet to hear a number. I get all of the... No, you don't. Them's the deal, man. What we're doing right now is when we get 400 iTunes, which I think we might have hit,

Starting point is 01:00:57 we're like 397, we're going to go interview a Keith's mom. She's had a crazy... He comes from a druggie background, too. It's like meth mom, fucking heroin mom, dated a couple neo neo-nazis all the same woman yeah yeah yeah she's her most recent husband she uh got hitched with in a uh parking structure in laughlin nevada yeah so on the back of a motorcycle and this is the best husband she's had yeah and this guy is like above and away setting the curve i'm gonna ask her to her to marry me. You're not fucking my mom. I'm not going to fuck her. I'm just going to ask if she wants to get married.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Clearly I'd rather you fuck my mom. I just want to be your stepdad, dude. In a world where Tom gets to claim he was a dependent on his taxes, there's nothing funnier. In a world where Tom does his taxes. Yeah, I don't make enough money to do taxes. You still got to do them. Oh, I don't make enough money to do taxes You still gotta do them Oh I don't

Starting point is 01:01:45 He's taped a loose dollar bill To a piece of notebook paper And written in cram Dear the IRS here's something Keep the change Santa on a fucking Empty McDonald's bag The IRS the North Pole

Starting point is 01:02:01 They told me that They owe me money But I don't know. They didn't tell me how to get the money, so I just have... Well, we'll sit you down with an adult and help you figure that out. Should we go to the mailbag? Doesn't that fucking suck? Like, when you go through the... That's the hardest of all.

Starting point is 01:02:16 They just send you the fucking money. Well, they make you go through all this shit. You're like, guys, I have, like, real problems. I'm talking about like doing anything right like doing laundry like it's just a problem because i have so much going on i have major add it's like i feel like you should be able to if you ever got like if i ever got like in trouble for just not like i didn't pay a ticket i didn't pay a ticket like i had a weed ticket i caught smoking weed in the street and i just let it go and let it go and let it go but i feel like

Starting point is 01:02:44 i should be able to use my add as like an actual defense I have legitimate affliction I'm clinically diagnosed with terrible ADD and I fucking let shit like that go all the time and there's no it's so difficult to do all that shit dude it drives me out of my fucking mind yeah I hate being an adult I just want to keep on like living my life like a child yeah and i mean how how does that even possible is there anybody like the gas digital studios is basically neverland for kids that had too many tech decks in elementary school you know you just kind of and it's fucking inspiring you're just like well yeah i've i feel like figured out a way to do all this shit and i don't know how any of it happened even like one day it was just there like i was like this is the

Starting point is 01:03:22 location we want and like but that's the thing like i don't want to get bogged down with like the bullshit d i don't you want to like stay in your lane and do what you you want to be more focused on being creative or being funny than you do on the logistical shit just do what you want to do every day that's fucking success like literally getting up open your eyes going cool i'm going to do what i want to do and luckily once in a while you get to i'm gonna okay i'm gonna ride my penny board around until i get into a fight that's my fault and then two other comedians will make fun of me about it and then i'll go home and send my kid to private school with the money it's not a bad life it's not a bad life at all it's not a bad life yeah yeah that's what i try to explain to people

Starting point is 01:03:59 about you you know once at one time i'll get my butthole tased and then i'll get some money and then that'll just be my career yeah i gotta think about how much money i'd need to get my butthole tased, and then I'll get some money, and then that'll just be my career. Yeah, I got to think about how much money I'd need to get my butthole tased. $5,000. I don't know, dude. Obviously, you went way too high. $1,000 on the table right now to get your butthole tased. Oh, no, it's $5,000 now. We don't have $5,000.

Starting point is 01:04:16 We could get $1,000. I'll do it for $5,000. Originally, I was thinking $1,500, but yeah, $5,000 is the new marker. Guys, he will do it for $500, guaranteed. Here's the thing. If I'm poor, will you offer it to me? Probably. Ask digital where you just be like, come on.

Starting point is 01:04:37 I mean, your car is towed. You're between a rock and a hard place. You're getting $80 to do this, right? Yeah. You have to blow Ralph Sutton on top of a stack of autographed Kiss koozies. We now return to Podstars. Well, today I'm bringing Jesus Christ's bones into the shop. They've been in the family for a little while now, but the kids are going away to college,

Starting point is 01:05:02 and my wife thinks it's time to let them go and invest in our future. So what do you have for me here today? These are Jesus Christ's real bones. Jesus Christ was an important religious figure. People love this guy. If these are legit, this would be a really cool thing to have in my shop. Okay, wow. So what do you want to do with them?

Starting point is 01:05:19 You want to pawn them, or you want to sell them? Sell them. Uh-huh. How do I know if they're real? Do you have a certificate of authenticity or anything like that? Well, I have this video of the Pope saying that they are definitely Jesus' real bones. All right, all right. Seems legit.

Starting point is 01:05:35 How much do you want for them? Oh, I don't know. Geez. I'll give you 50 bucks right now. I mean, well, he's arguably one of the most pivotal figures in human history. 50 bucks. I mean, I'm looking to actually the most pivotal figures in human history. $50. I mean, I'm looking to actually start a college fund for my two boys.

Starting point is 01:05:49 $50. Dude, come on, guy. They're Jesus Christ's real bones. This is not moving them. I don't get people coming in here every day asking to buy Jesus' bones. Look, I think they're cool, but I don't want to lose money. But, dude, come on. You can go take them to an auction house. You can wait six months, hope it gets bid on, and then subtract their fee.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Or you can take my $40. I'm just not sure anybody's going to want some bones just because they were inside of this Jesus Christ guy. It's $35. Take it or leave it. Wait, wait, wait. I thought it was $50. And I thought I was running a business. You seem to think it's a museum.

Starting point is 01:06:18 $30 and not a penny more. I'm glad your dad is dead. Up next. Jomli. Jomli. Did you make chili in the Civil War canon that Jimi Hendrix signed again? Come on, boss. It's Arbor Day. You know I always make Arbor Day chili. Yeah, we got some questions for you.

Starting point is 01:06:36 One guy just said that you're an honorary white guy, which I assume is a big honor. Was that a question? Not a question. He's an honorary white guy? This is a douche apocalypse as wrong as you can spell apocalypse you got douche correct so that's that's not too bad uh is blackface okay if you're going for klingon how about an obama mask well you know usually the questions are a lot more tame but you've really brought something out of the list i don't have

Starting point is 01:07:01 pictures on the show before though but i have a theory because I feel like dipshits always want to wear blackface on Halloween, and they always get in trouble. I think the new rule should be you're allowed to wear blackface, but only if you're Cosby. Because then it's like, whose feelings are getting hurt? It's a safe space. It's like a weird racism purge. We can all get it out. Yeah, I mean, look,

Starting point is 01:07:20 I've worn blackface, not on Halloween, just in life. Just had to go to the groceryface not on Halloween, just in life. Just had to go to the grocery store. You know, just I was at a, you know, I was in the hood and I wanted to make people feel uncomfortable. But no, I mean, look, dude, I don't really, it really, I am a brown person and I was raised in a really white trash neighborhood and I was called the the N-word, and I was a real victim of racism. You're really the M&M of podcasting. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:49 Similarly bad taste in hats. That's number one. It's all Kangol camouflage numbers. But, I mean, I just don't look at it as being that big of a deal. Just racism. I just don't. Maybe because I'm desensitized to it. I've seen real racism.

Starting point is 01:08:04 So racism for the sake of being funny is very mild to me. a deal just racism i just don't maybe because i'm desensitized to it i've seen real racism so racism for the sake of being funny is very mild to me there's no like there's nothing i i'm colorblind to people being offended by something like that i can't understand or colored i'm sorry i can't understand why somebody would see blackface on halloween and go oh my god this like i i don't even get it i can't wrap my mind around it I understand like I'll do a lot of the show I'm not just a fuck I'm not an idiot where I'm going like oh I don't understand why the n-word offense but I understand why that would offend

Starting point is 01:08:32 people when I hear people say the n-word like in life like in real life like it's a harsh like dark fucked up word like you know when I don't think that you know on a show like Legion of Saints we're trying to fucking be offensive. We're trying to find...

Starting point is 01:08:46 People say this all the time. Like, God, did you guys just say shit to shock people? That's just lazy. It's a different society now. You can't just go out and throw words out like that and expect people to fucking laugh. It's a different time. And I think what we do, we do it in a specific way. But I also think, guys, you got guys you gotta understand in society like i'm

Starting point is 01:09:05 colorblind to it most people aren't we're trying to be funny like you know i i always stand by that old patrice o'neill thing where it's like you're trying to search for funny and sometimes you go to a place that's wrong and it may not end up being funny if you're a fucking dock worker and you're just showing up at work and blackface dog it's just it's i get that you're trying to be funny but just understand you're probably gonna your job you're probably get punched in the face by somebody I also I can't defend your right to try to be funny as a doc worker I could defend a comedian's right to be funny because this is the career path we chose you know it's like an MMA fighter I I'll defend an MMA fighter for getting

Starting point is 01:09:37 a cage and punching a guy that isn't like after talking shit for three months but if that's what you do when you're working as a librarian you just don't like somebody's are right in the face one day You know that's not the today's episode of Khabib reads a book You make it this letter silent to fuck with me? No! I have no idea how he sounds. I think we're in the neighborhood. Yeah, that's a really good point, though. It's just like, yeah, this is kind of our job.

Starting point is 01:10:16 Yeah, and I'm not saying we're fucking special or anything like that. It's just like it's our job to try to find funny shit. We're fucked up comedians. It's fine. So, no, I don't think you should be able to wear blackface. No, yeah, it's kind of stupid. understand it's the you're gonna deal with problems like you're going to do a problem I don't think that anything should be like illegal any form of speech should be illegal but it's like you definitely

Starting point is 01:10:33 shouldn't do certain things you're absolutely able to wear blackface but don't get mad when people hate you for it like that's part of I talk about this a lot with like you know even like doing like offensive shit comedically and stuff is like I think we absolutely have the right to do that but I'm not mad a lot with, like, you know, even, like, doing, like, offensive shit comedically and stuff. It's like, I think we absolutely have the right to do that. But I'm not mad at anybody who's offended by it.

Starting point is 01:10:50 Because I'm just like, yeah, it wasn't for you. You have a right to be offended just like I have a right to do it. And that's as long as you're not saying I should be removed from the field. Be offended. Or destroyed or whatever. You know, and if you also... I'm okay with having a discussion about it. If you want to have a discussion about being offended, you know, that's fine as well. I've had people come up to me

Starting point is 01:11:05 after shows and be like, hey, that joke like bugged me. Yeah. And my reaction isn't, you know, go fuck yourself. Like, you know, my reaction is,

Starting point is 01:11:11 all right, well, talk to me about it. I was like, you know, if that bothered you on a personal level, I'm sorry. That wasn't my intent.

Starting point is 01:11:16 But, you know, the rest of the crowd fucking loved it. Yeah, you don't go up there being like, how can I fucking bum people out?

Starting point is 01:11:21 Yeah, you shouldn't go into a comedy club if that's sort of the sentiment that you can be triggered by things. And more comedy clubs need to take that position. They need to put a fucking sign on the door that says, don't come in.

Starting point is 01:11:31 You're going to hear fucked up shit. People are going to show up maybe you don't like. By the way, I bet it's something like that best marketing decision you can make in a lot of cases. Oh, yeah, of course. But then some people, I feel like

Starting point is 01:11:45 people in the industry are afraid to kind of be a leader in that way and they see what's happening and they go well no actually we need to start maybe creating restrictions and things are going too far i see it happening even in new york do new york audiences are pussies la audience are pussies you want a real audience you got to go to like straight up fucking like i was in tampa last weekend oh that's a fucking audience they don't care though yeah that was a tucson this weekend there was nothing offensive nothing about there's like dude i want to laugh i'm dealing with fucking dude if you like work all day if you have like a like these people have job in la new york you have a little gig you have a little your little fucking project you're trying to be a rock star in finance or a lawyer you're trying to be the

Starting point is 01:12:21 fucking lawyer time magazine that's a New York attitude're trying to be the fucking lawyer that makes the cover of Time Magazine. That's a fucking New York attitude. Everybody that's into the fucking garbage man thinks he needs a head shot. There's a dude who runs a fucking toothpaste machine

Starting point is 01:12:30 whose hands are black from fucking soot who comes into the show and he's like, somebody better say something about Mexicans because god damn it, I am dying of poverty.

Starting point is 01:12:40 Why would there be soot in the toothpaste factory? I couldn't tell you, Tom. It's not good. Yeah. It's charcoal. What do you brush you, Tom. It's not good. Yeah. It's charcoal. What do you brush your teeth with? It's charcoal toothpaste.

Starting point is 01:12:48 Yeah. Specialty. Black mouth. They really have that, by the way. Charcoal toothpaste is great. It's actually, dude, this is weird. I don't even know if it's true. I got to look.

Starting point is 01:12:57 I keep on forgetting to Google this. Okay. During the training for my fight against Ryan O'Neal, my teeth started getting discolored. It was funny. I was getting stains on my bottom teeth, especially. Like, really teeth started getting discolored it was like i was getting stains on my bottom teeth especially like really like just like it was it was weird it was like a yellowish brownish stains were coming in and it was fucking me up i was like what the fuck is going on from i have no idea i still haven't googled it i don't know if like training like extensively like that can you know deplete your like tooth and i don't know what i mean there's it could

Starting point is 01:13:23 have been something with your uh no that't want to even throw that out there. I was just going to freak people out. I was going to say it could be heart related because they're connected. You'll start seeing heart symptoms in your teeth. It's more so because of the fact that Louis I tried not to say it. You guys asked me to say that. I stopped myself.

Starting point is 01:13:40 I was like, no, say it. When this happened to Tom, he fell asleep with a mouthful of peanut brittle. It was a very big problem. It looked like he had a rapper grill made out of fucking jujubes for a month after i i have no idea um what happened but my teeth were just sort of and then it was just a bad mouthpiece maybe i have no idea i have no fucking clue what it was i really truly to this day i have no idea but i started using charcoal toothpaste and i don't know if it was that or what it was but but my teeth are very, very white and the

Starting point is 01:14:08 stain went away. I stopped training and the staining seemed to have gone away. Oh, that's shit. But it's because I'm pushing my heart. My heart's saying, all right, dude, fuck your teeth. We need all the energy for your heart right now. It probably made it healthier. You know, you're doing all that exercise.

Starting point is 01:14:20 I don't know. Can you look up why I'm dying? You don't even know what you're talking about. Why don't you give me fucking paranoid? Yeah, man, I'm infectious. You don't even know what you're talking about. Why do I need time to be fucking paranoid? Yeah, man. I'm infectious. You're either super healthy or you're going to have a massive heart attack. Either way.

Starting point is 01:14:30 Keith has gone away, though. I brushed a tooth out of his head one time. Oh, yeah. We were in Fresno. We were doing shows in Central California. I have genetic meth teeth. Yeah, yeah. I was brushing my teeth and half of one of my teeth fell out.

Starting point is 01:14:38 I just hear like, tink, tink, tink in the bathroom and Keith goes, fuck. I'm like, what's going on? He's like, I just brushed a tooth out of my head. I was trying to clean him. I thought this was supposed to make him better. It was terrible because it was like, what are we doing? Just this jagged half tooth. And it didn't hurt at all.

Starting point is 01:14:53 And that was the scariest part. So I'm like, what's happened? Oh, yeah. Your teeth. Like, they're just fucking. It's like a graveyard in your mouth. Oh, dude, they're fucking nothing alive. Just fucking.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Yeah. And then I made bad tooth puns for the next 48 hours. If you listen closely when keith opens his mouth you can hear monster mash actually i kind of want to play lewis our mailbag jingle because this was sent to us by a guy that i think is also a fan of yours yeah yeah and uh it's uh it's a very it's very much a legion of skanks jingle i think you might get a kick out of it. But while you're bringing that up, Larry Silva on Facebook asks,

Starting point is 01:15:28 who would Lewis rather have a threesome with, Zach or Shannon? Another guy has to be the third with Shannon. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about keeping the dog? It's the motherfucking mean horse man. That's the real ass dude of the week. It's the real ass fucking drop doggy. We do that around the house. Just every time we see like, oh my God, you see one of our neighbors took a shit on his chicken

Starting point is 01:15:58 and then threw it at his wife and we just, real ass dude of the week. It's gotta be. Yeah, you gotta. That's one of my favorite, not to tickle your gooch, that's one of our favorite radio bits. We're stealing through the week. Yeah. That's one of my favorite not to not to tickle your gooch. That's one of our favorite radio bits.

Starting point is 01:16:07 We're stealing all the things you do. We took your haircut. It's everything. Listen guys I'm apparently going to have a heart attack very soon. So somebody has to

Starting point is 01:16:17 carry the torch. Look if you need somebody to give Zach and me a good home when you die. This is that would be the most nauseating in the corner for him.

Starting point is 01:16:25 He sends me a message on Facebook. He's like, can I include pictures of you guys in this corkboard of comedians we tried to kill

Starting point is 01:16:31 when I played this comedy journalist in this horror movie? Of course you can put a picture of us. Yeah, everyone's so hard. And I was like, make sure you include Tom.

Starting point is 01:16:37 He looks the most like a serial killer. He plays Lindy West in this movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, dude, it's so fucking, I mean, dude, that's so fucking, I mean,

Starting point is 01:16:45 dude, I, this way you got to love like trauma and what they do. Cause they don't give a fuck. They're like going so good. So yeah, I guess there's like a whole thing where they have like, you know,

Starting point is 01:16:52 the, the, the red strings leading to everybody. And it's like Legion of skanks, mean boys, a bunch of fucking, it's great. Um,

Starting point is 01:16:59 but yeah, yeah, I, yeah. Who would I rather have a threesome? Zach or Shannon? Zach or Shannon. There has to be another dude if it's Shannon. So presumably it's Zach and, uh, Kim. Or is I rather have a threesome with? Zach or Shannon? Zach or Shannon. There has to be another dude if it's Shannon.

Starting point is 01:17:05 So presumably it's Zach and Kim. Or is it just Zach and him? Oh, yeah. Shannon. If I could... Zach, you don't want Zach to be anywhere near you naked. It's not good. Yeah, I've done it.

Starting point is 01:17:17 I've done it naked roast enough to confirm that. It's a nightmare, dude. It's like, yeah, let's go to the spa with Gigi Allen. Okay, no thanks. He's... The best way to describe Zach is he's swampy. The whole... It's like, yeah, let's go to the spa with Gigi Allen. Okay, no thanks. The best way to describe Zach is he's swampy. He really does change the barometric pressure of any role. He's like, you know, comedians are like onions.

Starting point is 01:17:36 We have layers. I feel like there's different life forms growing in different parts of Zach's body. Yeah, yeah, definitely. He's a mushroom fucking habitat. Zach's a walking petri dish. It's like a petri bowl. We got a guy who wants to know, so Tom has gotten in the same, Tom thinks he can come farther than most human beings,

Starting point is 01:17:57 and he describes his come as Jets. That's his nickname. On average. That's right, because I describe my come as the Sharks. Steve Renizzini has a gambling podcast he's setting up, and he wants Tom to come see if he can cum farther than porn stars. They want to know if you're in on the Jizz Olympics. How's your Jets?

Starting point is 01:18:17 You got Jets? I'm a dribbler, so there's no shame. It depends. Here's the thing. If it's first time jerk-off sesh of the day, but I've let it build up as well. Build up. Two-day build up. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:30 You know, yeah, I could probably shoot pretty fucking far, dude. I've hit myself in the face a bunch. Yeah, me too. Me too. One time I jerked off in the shower, hit the edge of the ceiling. Yeah. Yeah, that's higher than my face. This is the worst Paul Bunyan story ever.

Starting point is 01:18:46 It's just like, they say that there's a lumberjack so dumb he could cum on the roof. You know? Oh, he had to skate around on a big frying pan with butter skates to cum on his dumb dick. Yeah, yeah. See, I created this machine that could cum farther than any man. Oh, man. Fucking John Henry. Yeah, John Henry See, I created this machine that could come farther than any man. Oh, man. Fucking John Henry.

Starting point is 01:19:07 Yeah, John Henry. It's going to kill him. He just jerks off, keeps on coming. Look, I have one physical gift. I got to wrap it. Well, you jack off a bunch and then you abruptly stop so your balls are producing

Starting point is 01:19:17 sperm like battleships during World War II. See, that makes it come too heavy. You don't get as much distance. I don't have distance. I just have, like, volume. volume. It's more of a shotgun. Yeah, you don't want...

Starting point is 01:19:27 You want real... My dick screams. Yeah, when someone's tailing us, I have them go out the window like an oil slick. Like a fucking spy hunter. Yeah, like we're in Speed Racer. And then fucking Tom's the monkey in the trunk. In order to reach new heights, you have to have

Starting point is 01:19:43 acidic cum. You want to get the base out of the cum as much as it makes it lighter. You don't know that. I don't, but I bet I'm right. Stop pretending you're Gordon Ramsay for cum. I don't know who that is. Okay. Is he that chef? Yes.

Starting point is 01:19:57 Okay. I know who that is then. Challenge me on something else. You see what every day is? I would love to see Gordon Ramsay doing Hell's Kitchen in Tom's kitchen. He'd cum everywhere. Just cum on the fucking ceiling, the countertops. How much can you cum, Tom?

Starting point is 01:20:14 And the cum tastes bad. It's not even tasty. You call this cum? Cum in the risotto. How many chihuahuas Do you think you could fight At the same time I don't know

Starting point is 01:20:27 Like 20 at least Yeah 20 Probably 20 yeah You could do more than 20 Maybe yeah I could kill Yeah

Starting point is 01:20:33 I could kill infinite chihuahuas Yeah chihuahuas They are How much have I eaten that day It's an energy thing How acidic is my cum Yes Real civil rights fire hose

Starting point is 01:20:44 I can't give you a PH testing strip every time you need to answer a hypothetical question. How virile am I? Am I basic? Am I acidic? Am I right on the line? I don't know. Chihuahuas are just very fucking brittle, dude. It can't get to anywhere that can actually hurt you.

Starting point is 01:21:02 How many chihuahuas are killed by simple walking accidents daily? Simply somebody steps on it. Yeah, just a tall guy doesn't notice it. And it's dead. And it's just a fucking, not even a really fat guy, just a somewhat thick guy. Yeah, a chubby toddler. A size 12 foot fucking steps on a chihuahua. Just American History X's.

Starting point is 01:21:25 The whole Taco Bell menu. All of its ribs just fucking crushed down. Its organs just spill out of its asshole and face. And you're like, that was... Like you squeeze a burrito from the middle. Yes. It's basically, yeah. I mean, they're the most brittle, shitty dogs I've ever seen in my entire life.

Starting point is 01:21:41 I used to have a Chihuahua when I was a kid named Chi-Chi. And the dog was named Chi-Chi because I couldn't say Chihuahua when I was 13. So I... No, in my entire life. I used to have a Chihuahua when I was a kid named Chi-Chi. And the dog was named Chi-Chi because I couldn't say Chihuahua when I was 13. So I... No, I was like four. I was about to say... But the problem with that joke

Starting point is 01:21:52 was it was too believable. Yeah, I know. You guys were like, I didn't even read because you were kidding. I was like, yeah. There was a minute where I was like... So I used to call her Chi-Chi-Wawa

Starting point is 01:21:58 and then they named her Chi-Chi. And this fucking dog straight up hated me. Right. I mean, dude, it was... Chihuahuas fucking suck, dude. They hate everybody. It hated men in general dog straight up hated me right hey i mean dude it was chihuahuas fucking sucked it was it hated men in general but it hated me in particular so i just spent my you know formative years as a four-year-old like anytime i would look at my sister having a dog bite me on the face and that was just sort of like my and this i think why i hate women now

Starting point is 01:22:20 this explains so much yeah it's like you know i even her breath fucking stunk dude she had fucking shitty chihuahua breath yeah so i had this thing of like anytime i look over my sister my sister would mock me and i'd like you know say something then the dog would run over and bite me on the face and then i'd fucking slowly truly let that build up yeah yeah yeah all right now i'm gonna hit one this guy's uh there's a trump rally going on in his town he's like should i go check it out should i go protest what should he do what did the i see you guys i've signed everyone on gas tweeting about Proud Boys

Starting point is 01:22:46 last night. What the fuck are they doing this time? What did we tweet about? I saw Zach telling them to fuck off. Yeah, McInnes was doing

Starting point is 01:22:54 some speaking thing in Manhattan. Is that why Zach was mad? Well, I think, yeah, because I guess some protest

Starting point is 01:23:01 shut up and then Proud Boys started eating the shit out of them. I don't know if that's exactly what happened. Not to defend the fucking Proud Boys. I, I saw any of these fucking people. Okay, let me say Please If you show up to a rally Go fuck yourself

Starting point is 01:23:19 What the cause is you fucking stink all right nerd do something motherfucker do something better i don't know do you want to help people go fucking volunteer at a soup kitchen go fucking help homeless people fucking do whatever they do i don't know but be homeless yeah you're gonna just sit up there go pimp my ride a shopping cart get exactly you know you're just showing up at a rally you just fucking stink you're just what do you want me to say? So in general, all of these protesters and anti-protesters, they all just stink. But then they're all fucking pussies. They all wear fucking riot helmets. These fucking fat nerds, on both sides, it's fucking like skinny.

Starting point is 01:23:57 Good people on both sides. Skinny pussies. There is people on both sides. I know. And fat fucking nerds that are, they're wearing fucking bicycle helmets and face masks. They're martial law cosplay. It's awful, dude. And anybody from the hood is looking at these people going like

Starting point is 01:24:11 it's laughable. This is not this isn't how people fight. This isn't like pepper spray. Are you out of your fucking mind, dude? Go to the hood and try that shit. Walk into the fucking projects, dress in your fucking riot gear,

Starting point is 01:24:26 and 10, 14-year-old children are going to murder you with their fists, shorts, no shoes. The black version of the raid. Dude, they don't... Are you out of your fucking mind? You're going to be impaled on your little protest flag with your little logo or what the fuck.

Starting point is 01:24:44 It's this faggy shit where it's like they're pretending they're tough guys. None of these people are tough. None of them actually know how to fight. So in my opinion, I'm going like, yeah, let the Antifa idiots go beat up the Proud Boy idiots. They're all idiots who are showing up to fight each other. I am a firm believer in if I don't like you and you don't like me

Starting point is 01:24:59 and this is legal in certain places, we can say, dude, we don't like each other. Let's go out back and fight each other right now. The cops will come and then we can go, no, no, we agree to like each other. Let's go out back and fight each other right now. The cops will come, and then we can go, no, no, we agree to fight each other. And the cop goes, all right, cool, that's it. Don't really hurt each other. In certain jurisdictions, that's law. You can just fucking do that. He carries a fucking Rain McNally guide in his pocket.

Starting point is 01:25:17 He says, Kim, we've got to drive three hours to get to the next fighting county. And you're sitting there like, all right, let's bring dueling back. But I don't really have a problem if these guys want to go out and beat each other up. Now, those Antifa guys, if you watch the video, one of those guys, here's what happened. The Proud Boy guys left this Gavin McGinnis rally. I read, this is like the New York Times.

Starting point is 01:25:39 This isn't like a fucking blog, right? This is like what happened. The Antifa guys, three of them, went to go intercept them to try to fight them. didn't realize they were outnumbered massively like they wanted to go out and you know whatever it was these three dudes went over sort of talking shit one of the antifa guys threw a bottle at the guy and swung and they got their fucking asses beat and i gotta be honest with you dude don't fucking go and do that i i just don't feel bad i'm not justifying anything there

Starting point is 01:26:05 like dude right but i'm just saying like if you throw a bottle at somebody expect to get your fucking ass expect to beat somebody's fucking ass expect to get your fucking ass beat but you're not a victim and i don't feel bad for you if that's the scenario all of those people i feel bad for none of them dude none of them i don't care if they're fucking... I think that they're all fucking stupid. I think that spending your time trying to fight people who disagree with you politically is maybe the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Starting point is 01:26:33 I just say fuck them all. But, I mean, Zach, I don't know what happened with that tweet. Maybe there was something more specific. I think he got into it with somebody who was like... Yeah, and I imagine I mean, you know, you guys obviously had that whole incident with the Proud Boy, dude am yeah it was weird because look i you know we i i hate to i don't defend anybody who's part of any sort of fucking group mentality i say this all the time if you if you fall on one side yeah yeah if you've got into major fights about this on every issue

Starting point is 01:27:03 and every issue on your you always fall on the left. You might have to just reconsider the way that you're looking at the world because you're not really having an opinion. It's not a coincidence on every single fucking issue. I have to say, I think people's opinions are the last thing that a confident person explained to them. Because if you sit down with Dave Smith, and he's a very charismatic, well-spoken guy, he'll talk to you for 20 minutes and you go, I'm a libertarian. And then you listen to Chopo Trap House or whatever. You're like, no, actually, I'm a social. It's just whatever the last thing someone fucking put in your head.

Starting point is 01:27:33 Yeah. It's actually synthesize your own point of view is almost non-existent anymore. Well, it's because we don't have time to reflect and think. We used to be a reflective society. 20 years ago, you would take a shit and think about what's wrong in your life and how to fix it. And you would sit there and you would do that. You had nothing else to do. You had to sit there and shit and think.

Starting point is 01:27:50 That was the original video games was hating yourself while pooping. Yeah. That was Pac-Man. But you would be on the subway waiting for the subway and you would have no idea that it's going to take 15 or 20 minutes. All you have is your thoughts. You'd let go. Whenever the subway comes, it's cool. But you're thinking about your life.

Starting point is 01:28:04 And now there's no reflection. There's no like, how is this affecting me? Let me think about my thoughts. Everyone has their nose on their cell phone. They're reacting constantly. They're being rewarded for simple thoughts very easily. They're not thinking anything out there. They're jumping onto one side of it.

Starting point is 01:28:20 And it's so easy to do it now that I think that it's sort of like become like become this like addictive thing and i think it's a major major major problem with society i think that you know i think we're gonna find out 20 years from now like this generation was really fucked because of the amount of information that was um available to them i i'm i'm a front dude people are hating on fucking you know net neutrality laws and this is a whole big issue i'm going like yeah dude you know we're not ready. We're not ready for the internet and all the information. Let's regulate it a little bit. Let's take it away from idiots.

Starting point is 01:28:51 You can click with three clicks of a button. You can find a 12-year-old's pussy on the internet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's crazy. Why? At what point? If you can three clicks from just a Yahoo homepage to child pornography, you get a free t to do with net neutrality, though. From just a Yahoo homepage to child pornography, you get a free t-shirt

Starting point is 01:29:07 and you go on. It's like a new version of Six Degrees. It does. It does, because I think eventually it's going to be about regulating the internet, and I think what's happening is we have this reactive, hate-filled culture right now where people are just fucking going after each other because they're not knowing

Starting point is 01:29:23 how to process this much information this quickly. And I think it's kind of dangerous. I think with great power comes great responsibility. And we're irresponsible. We're idiots. And we have idiots now teaching our kids to be idiots. Like we have another generation coming up now. We don't know how to process this information.

Starting point is 01:29:38 And I think it's just it was better when – dude, there's no better word for it. But we were like a meditative society compared to what we were now. We used to think about ourselves and go into moments where you're like, you blank. You go, dude, I'm not even thinking. I'm just kind of zen in a moment. I'm daydreaming. People don't fucking daydream anymore, dog. That's not a thing.

Starting point is 01:29:57 Kids aren't daydreaming. I would just lay on the couch and think about shit. Yeah. I just have whole fucking outer space adventures. A bunch of imaginary friends. Yeah, yeah. My issue with the whole thing is like, it's other people that are,

Starting point is 01:30:11 it's other flawed people, it's other idiots who are, you know, neutralizing the net. So they're not making, like it's still going to have a bunch of flaws. It's just going to be kind of edited to certain people's perspective. So that's the issue. Whereas now it's not vast information now it's narrower information from us really don't know enough

Starting point is 01:30:30 i mean i do but here's the thing i would rather be i would rather it be edited to certain people's perspectives and then make those choices versus it becoming an echo chamber for your own perspective and you don't or just your your friends and you don't actually have any perspective i just feel like we're losing that. Facebook just pushes in the same fucking thing. That algorithm works where you live in a world where everything is geared toward your thoughts

Starting point is 01:30:54 and you're designed to make yourself look like you're fucking great. Your pictures are always looking great. You're posting the great things that are going on. Your friends are posting the great things that are going on. You're living in this world that's all not, none of it's real. None friends are posting the great things that are going on. You're living in this world that's all not, none of it's real. None of it's reality.

Starting point is 01:31:07 Everyone that I know, I know two people with their shit together. Yeah. I'm not even exaggerating. Two that have their shit legitimately like. Me and who else?

Starting point is 01:31:19 But everyone else, you would think that everyone has the answer. Nobody has the fucking answer. Nobody has the, what 25 year old has the fucking answer. Nobody has the fucking answer. What 25-year-old has the fucking answer? What are we pretending? And everyone's like, I'm right.

Starting point is 01:31:31 I'm right. Motherfucker, you are 20. You are wrong. I feel disgusted. I never tweet about politics because I'm like, I frequently wipe my ass with napkins I get from the taco truck. Yeah. This is not a voice that needs to be added to the Discord.

Starting point is 01:31:43 I use social media mostly to promote shows. And even then don't really do that you do it incredibly poorly you're like i'll be at an unnamed ball somewhere between temecula and the mexican ball i will be there allegedly in november between the time of five and one ams we yeah do you ever do you feel like a certain level you definitely maybe more so but i, you know, I look at our show and the demographics and I'm like, we probably have some folks in our kind of tent that are at risk for kind of being shitheads about things. And it's like, I do try to make it, I do get paranoid sometimes. Eminem was talking about this. He's like, yeah, I made that shitty political album because someone was like, a lot of your fans probably like voted for Trump. he's like oh man i feel like i gotta do something you know so i feel like we i try to kind of you know we be the the safety net that stops the guys right before they get into school shooting we just get to keep them in the anime and like you know eyeliner level you know so they don't go even further you meet some shitheads that are fans you know and the reality is mostly

Starting point is 01:32:42 great to me yeah they Yeah, they mostly are people I'd want to hang out with. Aside from your show, it's been great. We've met them at shows. Dude, Skankfest, it's literally the coolest fucking people in the world.

Starting point is 01:32:51 You go to Skankfest and you're dealing with a thousand people in one small space. Dude, there was a chick, you know, a female comic who posted

Starting point is 01:32:58 that she felt unsafe and it was bullshit. It just made me so angry because I'm going like, you felt unsafe because of your own fucking bigotry. Your own preconceived notions about fucking white dudes with beards because that's 80% of the fucking people that are there.

Starting point is 01:33:10 But let me tell you something. If somebody was being – if there was a girl that was being disrespected at Skank Fest, you would have a fucking wall of dudes there to protect you. Like a fucking wall of dudes. These fans are – dude, they couldn't be any more – the fan base, they're really sweet, fucking good people who just want to laugh, who don't want to feel bad, or they don't want to feel like they're bad people for laughing at darker shit. You can't really control what's funny to you.

Starting point is 01:33:35 And the way you raised the shit that I thought was funny, dude, was always dark and fucked up. I can't laugh at shows or television shows or movies that are sort of centered around the lifestyles of rich people. I can't connect with it. For some reason, my mind- This is making me want to see Scumbag curb your enthusiasm. But that's-

Starting point is 01:33:51 By the way, we've talked about doing, because that's like I am Puerto Rican Larry David. You truly are. I run into those situations all the time, and I can't let it go. We're the same thing. I see Larry David, and I'm like, yeah, dude, I get it. But we just react differently. Right. Like how, you know, the- Well, his daughter's single now if you if you want to fuck yeah but it's like

Starting point is 01:34:10 you know i i think uh we were saying i'm sorry i get distracted you were talking about yeah yeah oh yeah but it's like this fucking fan base they're really really fucking great people and but once in a while you get some shitheads that say stupid things and it happens all the time dude i'll post a picture of my kid and somebody make a dumb comment They're making a joke and I have to write underneath dude. Don't be a fucking idiot Yeah, I delete the cut their comment and then they mess up you do it. I didn't know it, you know and You know the reality is they're not because we have this well They're not commit. They're not as good at it as people that do it every day

Starting point is 01:34:42 Here's the thing. They're not you know, they're're, forget that. You know, sometimes they are, dude. Some of these fucking kids on Reddit, and they're fucking funny, dude. They see stuff, and I'm like, fuck, dude. How did I think of that? It pissed me off. I'll post something, and somebody will, like, comment on it with something funnier than I posted, and I'm like. Bag of shit.

Starting point is 01:34:56 God damn it. Oh, yeah. We get that all the time with the Mean Boys people. Stop trying to be Nick Mullen. I'm like, all right. Well, let me tell you something. What happens is, they're very pure. They're not shaped into a comedian and a perspective.

Starting point is 01:35:12 We were those kids at one time where we'd just be a smartass and write some fucking dumb thing. And you have the time to think about it. You don't have to be quick. It's not a podcast where you've got to be in the moment and fucking fire it off. I can sit there and I can edit the word. You can get in the lab and be like, how do I call him gay? Yes, exactly. Get to the bottom.

Starting point is 01:35:27 But it's like, so they're trying to be funny and what happens is there's a great meme. I'm sure you guys have seen it where it's like the little kid eating ice cream

Starting point is 01:35:34 next to the poster with the girls that are eating ice cream and then it says what it's like to podcast. Have you ever seen that one? Oh, I don't think I have. No, I don't really.

Starting point is 01:35:42 I genuinely don't go online. Look up podcasting meme right now because it's a really cool meme and I think it articulates the point like they're part of the friend group because they feel like you're sitting there in this conversation emails and like stuff like that where people are like oh i feel like you guys are my friends yeah like we hang out you're in their ears let's see podcasting and they're mostly people i'd hang out with if i'd like to podcast okay to listen to a podcast what's like to listen to a podcast sorry wait isn't that it right there on the top right yep right there i'm sorry to listen to a podcast? What's it like to listen to a podcast? Sorry. Wait, isn't that it right there on the top right? Yep, right there on the top right.

Starting point is 01:36:05 Sorry. Oh, she goes to listen to podcasts and she's just hanging out with this poster? Yeah, yeah. Sitting next to a poster of girls eating ice cream and he's eating ice cream like he's at the table with them. But it does create this weird intimacy that's not really there, but it's sort of perceived mentally. So they...

Starting point is 01:36:18 And I do the same thing. I mean, yeah, we get... That's what the fucking appeal of broadcasting is. Right. You know? Yeah. So they listen to it. They feel like they're a part of it. And then they want to fucking reach out and sort of fucking appeal of broadcasting is. Right. Yeah. So they listen to it. They feel like they're a part of it.

Starting point is 01:36:26 And then they want to fucking reach out and sort of be one of the guys. And that side of it, most of the time they're just trying to be funny. Once in a while you get some fucking real dudes who are saying fucked up shit. We have had a couple podcast beefs. We had a whole thing with those guys. We fuck girls. I've put that behind us. I've gotten really friendly with Corinne lately.

Starting point is 01:36:46 And I've always been somewhat friendly with christina um but it's like some of the guys will because they're defending you they start to say really fucked up people defend you on your behalf that terrifies me that's a situation you could put in a lot where it's just like hey man let me control the narrative on this you know well sort of became the thing where it's like oh the you know legion of skanks had their fans attack these girls and it's like no we never said for anybody to attack them. Yeah. You think we can control these people? They do everything to spite us.

Starting point is 01:37:09 And I don't want to fucking tell my fans to not support us. But you want to be like, dude, don't fucking tell a girl to go get raped. You know what I'm saying? No, certainly. I mean, words don't mean anything. Do it. Yeah, guys, we didn't mean to fuck that's the new podcast oh gee no you know you don't know i totally know you don't want you know i'm not trying to like you have to like

Starting point is 01:37:32 answer for someone else's bullshit to it no i mean no i don't really like you know but then like it watered down the narrative doesn't need to be that i fucking hate women especially when like i like i really don't like i know it's very funny to go, oh, Louis beats his girlfriend. Dude, I've fucking had girls spit in my face, punch me in the face, scratch me. I've never laid a finger on a fucking chick ever in my life, and I would never. The fact that you can date Karen Feehan and not murder her is...

Starting point is 01:37:55 You're the Dolly fucking Lama. I've met her twice and I've already pushed her down a flight of stairs. Yeah, it's very difficult. She's built like a chihuahua. She's so easy to break. Just step on her ribs, just watch stuff shoot at her asshole in her mouth. Well, yeah, it's like, I don't know how much calcium is in whiskey. It's not like there's stuff going in or out of the asshole. Yeah, it doesn't matter, yeah. I don't think she's getting all the nourishment

Starting point is 01:38:11 she needs from the different flavors of schnapps, which she calls vegetables. So I'm pretty sure you could take her down pretty quickly. You got an asshole like the rotating door like a Macy's. Yeah. Karen's a great chick, too, by the way. I do love Karen. She's always so close. Karen's a great chick too, by the way.

Starting point is 01:38:25 I do love Karen. She's hilarious. I really love her. Really cool chick and she's not as crazy as fucking people thought she was but I think that,

Starting point is 01:38:32 yeah, I think I get a reputation because I lean into these jokes and it's a weird position to be in because I still, I grew up thinking this type of comedy.

Starting point is 01:38:41 I grew up on dice. I really did. Yeah, yeah. My uncle's playing dice right in front of me that's how i learned how to communicate to people and uh no uh another bad joke guys what are you gonna do um no but yeah that's true i try but no i i really i grew up on dice and and eddie murphy and like i just the shit that i connected to as a kid that you know when i formed what was laughing at the most it was always darker more fucked up things about growing up poor,

Starting point is 01:39:05 things that, you know, very self-deprecating. That was sort of, you know, the angle. My dad showed me stand-up. It was fucking Stan Hope, Burr, Red Fox. Fucking, it was the same thing. I enjoyed darker shit, too. I'm not as edgy, maybe, but yeah. Did we just listen to voicemails?

Starting point is 01:39:25 Yeah, we got some voicemails here. This one I think is for you, Lewis. Nice. Hey, what's up? I got a question for Lewis. He had a fan that was going to Puerto Rico last year to help with the hurricane relief.

Starting point is 01:39:42 I was curious why he never donated to his fucking GoFundMe. He's trying to have a bitch move. Fuck everything God has done. Oh, okay. I didn't realize you were going to get called out. Yeah, yeah. Why didn't you fix Puerto Rico?

Starting point is 01:39:57 What was he asking? He had a friend. I had a friend. Apparently you had a fan who was going to Puerto Rico. And they had a GoFundMe that I didn't donate to. It seems like if you have a GoFundMe to have you go help somebody else, I feel like skip that middleman and just send them the money.

Starting point is 01:40:11 That seems like the dude who was having a GoFundMe to go to Puerto Rico for one-day-all vacation. He's like, I'll pick up a trash can. I was about to say, this guy's just going to go do his own weird hurricane bang bus with the money that you've given him. Yeah, he's just that Cabo Wabo doing blow. Oh wait, this is in Puerto Rico?

Starting point is 01:40:28 So, first of all, I don't remember a fan ever reaching out to me asking to donate to their GoFundMe. It has to have been this guy. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. I remember some other brave hero saying that you owed him $14.99. But yeah, I don't remember anyone ever reaching out to me.

Starting point is 01:40:46 But, you know, go fuck yourself because Legion of Skanks, the first time we did the Comedy Store show, we raised, I think, $7,500 for the Puerto Rico release. Wow. You fucking jerk off. Yeah. And it's already been fun to your vacation, you fucking asshole. The president showed up with some paper towels and called it a day. The Legion of Skanks put boots on the ground. We did.

Starting point is 01:41:02 We, you know, it was pretty funny because we were doing the shows at the Comedy Store, and it was like the day before, and I was watching the news, and I was like, what are we doing? I was like, we're making money at these shows, but fuck it. I was like, why don't we just donate it? And we're at dinner with Jay's agent and a TV producer and a couple other people, and the Legion of Skanks there. I was like, guys, you know what? Let's just donate the money.

Starting point is 01:41:20 And both Jay and Dave were like, wait, what? I was like, yeah, we should just donate the money. And I weirdly put them on the spot in front of a table full of people Yeah, and I found out later on they're like it. We want to fucking donate to Puerto Rico you idiot $500 we this is why we came out here. Yeah Being like the scumbag show and then just doing like a good guy thing Yeah, we did we did a live show where we were like, yeah, we'll give all the money to the southern Poverty Law Center So it's like who can get mad about all the gay jokes. Yeah, but look, we don't do it for that reason.

Starting point is 01:41:46 Like, look. Oh, we did. We did it strictly for the diplomatic community. We're shills. We need good press. Look, dude, I'm not a philanthropist. I'm not somebody who donates to charity. Really?

Starting point is 01:41:56 I thought I was going this whole time thinking you were a philanthropist. I'm the kind of guy who could spell philanthropy. But no, I mean, there's certain times that i fucking get you know certain things get me especially anything with do with kids of course you know i was years ago i started doing this speaking of a thing last year it's like a thing that people are doing but i was doing this like four fucking years ago um donating your birthday i guess when i posted that years ago i was like dude just donate make it don't if you want to you know get me anything don't get me anything just make a donation to saint you want to, you know, get me anything, don't get me anything. Just make a donation

Starting point is 01:42:25 to St. Jude's. And, you know, our fan base has been making contributions and I don't like publicize those things. It's not a thing

Starting point is 01:42:32 that I fucking pat myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not why you're doing it. No, no,

Starting point is 01:42:37 no. So it's like this guy I'm sure doesn't know that we don't because we didn't make a big fucking deal. At the time, we said,

Starting point is 01:42:41 yeah, we're donating this money, but it wasn't, we didn't spend a year talking about how we donated, you know, that money to Puerto Rico. No, you had an MMA fight that you had to keep re-matching. Yeah, exactly. I had Jay jerk me off with a flashlight, and I had to get ready for an MMA fight.

Starting point is 01:42:54 So I'm going to fucking sit here and suck my own dick about Puerto Rico. Yeah, that's not good radio. You know what good radio is? Telling people about what kind of oats you eat in the morning to make sure your legs are strong enough to fight a fat middle-aged Steve Rannazzisi satellite. All right, we got any more voicemails? Yeah, we got one more here. All right. Hello, computer.

Starting point is 01:43:15 It is me, Bacon Me. I needed a call to provide you with news. I need to communicate that I still value out time together after we interfaced at the chatroom and you accompanied me back to my homepage. We then engaged in basic peer-to-peer swapping when you suffer from a persistent pop-up. The size of your hard drive overclocked my processor and we both unzipped our compressed files. From there I accepted your variant in my expansion

Starting point is 01:43:50 plot. What the fuck is this? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Computer sexytalking. It's the computer. It's the computer. Oh my god. I'll tell Tom to practice flirting with me so he can, because he's bad at it.

Starting point is 01:44:08 He's like a good, he's a good guy and he's a good boyfriend. Lewis's face during that fucking voicemail was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. But he's just like, are you hungry? I'm not. I could eat. What do you want to do? And analyzing it or whatever it is. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:44:23 I don't remember the bit exactly. Yeah, it was a tough... I think someone just wrote up a whole weird They wrote a computer sketch Yeah Thanks for putting in the effort Thanks for making us look lame in front of Lewis That was great Oh my god

Starting point is 01:44:39 I've never seen anyone make that face before Lewis It was called confusion and arousal. A couple good questions. We've got to tell the good ones, I think. I know you've got to get out of here. We appreciate you fucking stopping by. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:51 Tell us what you've got to plug, man. Yeah, when does this come out? Thursday. Yeah, tonight. Thursday. Tonight, Comedy Store La Jolla. Yeah, I don't know what you guys are doing. You guys are more than welcome to come and do spots.

Starting point is 01:45:03 I have just Kim doing it. I don't know what's going on. Oh, serious? more than welcome to come and do spots. I have just Kim doing it. I don't know what's going on. Oh, serious? You guys should fucking come out and do spots. I'm in OC Wednesday. I'd love to come. I was looking for an excuse to leave work. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:13 Absolutely. If one of you want to host it, I'll fucking give you a little bit of cash, too. Sure, yeah. We could do it. But if the other guys want to do a couple spots and jump on it. I was looking for comics in L.A. and I was about to say, and then I was like, I'm sitting in front of three great comics. Yeah, let's party, dude.

Starting point is 01:45:26 Yeah, come out and party in La Jolla with us. Now definitely, Kyle. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah, and Kim Kong will be there as well. We'll have a really good time. We're going to get

Starting point is 01:45:33 Drunken Stone and all that. We did a Don Carlos hang before. Yeah, yeah, we're sponsored by the Burrito Shop. Fuck yeah, dude. That's our infinite CBD. We've got this burrito company in San Diego.

Starting point is 01:45:42 Beautiful. You just rub it on your name when it's sore. Fuck yeah. You can see it through your hands. Dude, it's transdermal beans. But yeah, I got that. And then I got my whole tour, Luis J. Gomez.

Starting point is 01:45:55 I'm sorry. It's Infinite CBD Presents Luis J. Gomez. Presented by Luis J. Gomez is the tour in which I'm preparing for my special Luis G. Gomez Presents Luis G. Gomez. I'm going to be in, I think, 16 different cities over the course of the next eight weeks, seven weeks. That's right, man. Yeah, it's Luis G. Gomez Presents Luis G. Gomez dot com. I'll be in Chicago, Denver, Boston, Philly, Atlantic City. I'm all over the country.

Starting point is 01:46:20 And I'm giving out a bunch of CBD products as well while I'm out on the road. It's a fucking event. It's fun, man. Yeah. Everywhere Lewis goes, there's a weird fun party. If you're a Mean Boys fan, you've come to our live shit, you're going to have a great time. Yeah, yeah. It's a fun time.

Starting point is 01:46:31 So that's fucking right. I took out my other podcasts. I got three podcasts, Believe You Me with Michael Bisping, Legion of Skanks, and Realize Podcasts, all available. GasDigitalNetwork.com. And all of our live streams are free. People don't know that. You can watch every show free on GasDigitalNetwork.com. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:43 I watch it free. I have it on in the background. Believe you me, your guys' commentary on the whole McGregor-Khabib thing, I thought it was great. Oh, thanks, dude. I thought you guys were both saying some real fucking intelligent shit that I hadn't thought about. Yeah, Bisping, he really is the best in terms of analyzing MMA

Starting point is 01:47:01 from a very real perspective. Him and Shale are the two fucking guys who really, really hit it. So, yeah, it's great. Let's have a show. Before we leave, can we tease any nuggets of info? Because Tom has been thinking about this fight nonstop. He's training for it.

Starting point is 01:47:15 He's excited. He wants to do it. I'm not training for it. I mean, I'm trying to be in shape. You're getting your conditioning. You're pre-training. Yeah, I was kind of doing that regardless. And if you could just tell him something so he stops speculating at me all day.

Starting point is 01:47:31 I'll definitely fight you. There's nothing been planned. Here's what I promise you. Yeah. When we set this up, we're going to be looking for comics that want to fight. You are 100% in. 100% in. So we'll find you somebody to fight.

Starting point is 01:47:43 I think it's, dude, it's... Because look, Tom's social media presence is a disaster. His handle is gossgoss6 on everything. It's not a bad handle. Twitter recommended it.

Starting point is 01:47:53 Okay. What I'll tell you is that this guy, he's very popular. He's got about 5,000 diehard fans. Okay? So I mean,

Starting point is 01:48:01 and I love you guys. And he will go full Rocky for them. I know he will. i know he will i know he will you're you're he's not a psychopath but i am yeah no i relate to you on a psycho level the fight's gonna be booked then it becomes like and also by the way it really does fucking help me it helped me with everything else in life being able to set that goal see it through you know proving yourself you can do anything's a great exercise just awesome i've been just kind

Starting point is 01:48:22 of i joined a boxing gym and just kind of hit the bags and shit. And it just puts me in a better head space. I get depressed less. You were talking about being a meditative society, right? I get less OCD. That's what you're doing for that hour. Yeah. You don't have, you can't, you literally got fucking boxing gloves on.

Starting point is 01:48:35 You can't text. It's serious fucking mindfulness. You're thinking about the same action over and over. That's the same thing that they tell you to do on your head space app. But you just do it in a way where you wear bad shorts. And you're also getting in better shape. You're more able to defend yourself, your family, your loved ones. There's so many benefits to it.

Starting point is 01:48:51 I think it's great. I say anybody who is in the position in life where they can get up and just go. Do you spend $150 a month on cable? Go put that into a fucking Muay Thai or Jiu-Jitsu class. It'll change your perspective on anything. It's not like I'm a martial artist. I'm just saying I went from somebody who had never done it before to somebody who did it, and it really did change a lot of things for me on a psychological level.

Starting point is 01:49:10 Forget physical, but on a psychological level. That's exactly. If you have any sort of mental issues, go and fucking train. Learn how to be violent better. No, train until you're brain-dee. Schizophrenia. Train until your brain's tired. That's what I've been trying to do.

Starting point is 01:49:26 Not until I'm physically tired. Until I'm mentally tired. It's like the hackiest thing ever. And it makes you so much happier throughout the week. But dudes just have all this fucking pent-up energy. Oh, we're the... You either got to jack it out. We're monsters.

Starting point is 01:49:37 You got to fight it out. You got to talk about... You got to like... You're just walking around at a 10 for no reason every day when you wake up. That's why I'm trying to competitively fight and come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get going, dude. Of course.

Starting point is 01:49:50 I love you guys. Thanks for coming in, man. You guys are the best. Thank you so much. I appreciate you guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Bye.

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Mean Boys - EP 160 - Cauliflower Personality (feat. Luis J. Gomez)

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