Mean Boys - EP 163 - Snow Jesus (Live)

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

Get tickets for Historical Roast in Los Angeles: https://1iota.com/Show/837/Historical-Roasts-with-Jeff-Ross Listen to Kyle, Jessa, and Ehsahn's podcasts: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-and-the-meth-head/id1357356830?mt=2 https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/this-is-rad/id900721560?mt=2 https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/spoil-the-beans/id1333793393?mt=2 Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Kyle Clark on Twitter: http://twitter.com/kyleclarkisrad Follow our guest Ehsan Ahmad on Twitter: http://twitter.com/mrjbahmad Follow our guest Jessa Reed on Twitter: http://twitter.com/JessaReed Follow our guest Isaac Hirsch on Twitter: http://twitter.com/IBHirsch Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca Hey, hey, hey everybody. It's the live Halloween spectacular. Happy goddamn Halloween. This was a fucking blast and a half.

I really had a great time. I really felt the love. You guys were awesome. Thank you to everybody who came out from all over the place, of whom included a circus worker, who I talked to for a while. Wait, which one was a circus worker? Beard guy. He does the lights was the circus? Beard Guy. He does the lights for the circus.

And he was cruising. So he does lighting for big productions. But he was like, yeah, I've been working for the circus for the last year and a half and I got really into Mean Boys. And I was like, yes! That's the final form of...

You evolved as a fan from a fucking factory worker to a circus. I can't believe you didn't tell me that. I'm so bummed. We did. He's a circus wizard. Yeah. He does lights and circuses.

So thank you. My favorite kind of wizard. Thank you, everybody who came out. We got a lot of great guests. We had Jesse Reed. We had Asana Ma. You bet your ass we had Kyle Clark. Isaac Hirsch was there, too.

And let me tell you, the fucking three of those people have podcasts. Asana Ma, Spoiled the Beans. Kyle Clark, This is Rad. Our Unfortunate Sister Show. Jess Reed, The Mormon and the Meth Head. Yeah. And we had a fucking awesome dominatrix, Mistress K. Yeah, who we wailed on verbally pretty hard. I was pretty mean to Mistress K.

Honestly, I just wanted to pick a fight. Yeah, Mistress K, if you're listening, you were a damn fine sport. She was great. You can call her Mistress K5. It is hard, too. She did. Some of them go easy. She was not fucking around.

No, I think she got the thing. She also sells sex toys. Yeah. I really thought you were going to say seashells by the seashore. She sells sex toys by the seashore. Yeah. She sells sex toys. Welcome to Mistress K's beachfront bummery. For seven fucking years, she's been selling these fucking sex toys. We're having a Mistress K's beachfront bummery.

For seven fucking years, she's been selling these fucking sex toys. That's their slogan. You can hire her to empower and entertain the masses. You can mention that you're plugging her business more specifically before you just say the slogans like an insane person. She's been selling dildos for over 25 years. She believes in empowerment

through silicone. You fucking lunatic. Say what you're doing. When it's a sex toy sale, when you butt plug her merchandise. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Where can they buy the sex toys?

At a Mistress K, Mistress K way, Mistress K's way.com. Tom. You are the worst businessman in history. Well, Tom's a magoo, but we will plug the- Yeah, Mistress KSway.com and you can also hire her to do sexual empowerment This is the local TV commercial

by the way, Tom straight to camera studio You can, she also also available, you can, on the menu furtherly is her services You can put a dildos in you MistressKSway.com I'm sorry this is killing me so hard Yeah You can put a dildo's in you. MistressKaysWay.com I'm sorry this is killing me so hard.

Yeah, buy her a dildo. Or for you. Yeah, buy her a dildo. Fucking treat yourself. It's Halloween. They're great dildos. She brought them. I saw them.

Yeah, they're intense. We'll link her website in the show notes. She was a great sport. What do we got to talk about? Oh, goddammit, we hit 400 iTunes reviews. We're going to see Keith's mom just as soon as we're done taping this motherfucking TV show. Yeah, we are. I'm making preliminary plans as it stands.

Keep leaving us those five-star reviews if you haven't already. They do help us out quite a bit. Yeah, let's read this one. Week, five stars. Totally down to see Tom become Keith's new stepdad. Yeah, buddy. I'm with you, Twia. Whatever your fucking name is.

You guys are weird. But I have a child. We are making a TV show. There's a taping tonight. If you're listening to this in the Los Angeles area, the day this comes out, at the fucking whatever it's called, Soundstage, google it.com. Except, no, it's taping Wednesday night. Oh, the next tomorrow night. Yeah.

And I went to the first taping. It was a lot of fun. Everyone should go. Yeah, come out Wednesday night. Oneiota.com. I'll put the link in the description. It is went to the first taping. It was a lot of fun. Everyone should go. Yeah, come out Wednesday night. Oneiota.com. I'll put the link in the description. It is the historical roast of Freddie Mercury. Yeah, we got that one.

We got, what's the other one we can announce? I think we can announce all of them. Oh, yeah. Well, Martin Luther King and Frank, Freddie Mercury. Abraham Lincoln. And Martin Luther King Jr. We're doing, weirdly, the Grover Cleveland. And I will be playing Grover Cleveland.

Oh, the Grove Dog! Yes! It's his shine! Rides again! As Netflix presents Grove Mirror. Yeah. I recommend everyone go. I got to go.

They put me in a costume. They put him in a toga, which was great for me. Yeah, they put me in a costume. So I don't know if they're going to have other costumes, but if you want to wear a costume with me. I swear to God, Tom, I leave you alone for ten minutes. I come back, you're dressed as an Egyptian slave. This is the great joy of being your friend, because every day I wake up to fresh magic.

I just, I'm like, I see you, you're outside, wearing a sweater, smoking a cigarette. I turn around, you are building a pyramid. Yeah, I went back in time, and it didn't go well. You know what's hilarious is they had like wealthy person clothes and i was like oh do i get a belt they're like now we're gonna save the belt for somebody else you're not belt worthy they could give you another clothes pin i was like nah it's that they'll just be open chested yeah so that was fun so come see that uh leave us the old itunes review probably we've been hanging out in the discord more uh where

someone just said that I had someone who went to Halloween said I have really bad posture and they think I have scoliosis, which scared me. That rips. Yeah. So go watch people discuss the intimate details of my life while I fucking look on horrified. Yeah. Watch Ding Dongs critique our bones.

Yeah. Like, I think Keith fucks the best because he's my favorite. No one's ever said either of those things. By the way, the new MeBoys show discussion section of the Discord forum is now called More Jimble, All Kimble. All Jimble, All Kimble. Yeah. Hell yeah.

I need to learn to Discord. It sounds fun. It's super easy. You'll never figure it out. You do it every time you open your mouth. You create Discord. Oh, yeah. Chaos of vocals.

It is a 30-second lesson that will take me the rest of your life to teach. I don't know. I tried to create a SoundCloud account today. It took three hours. Yeah, I tried to set up a hotmail, and now the government owns my dad. Oh, man. Go ahead and put that on the corkboard of Keithist ass punchlines ever. I tried to set up a hotmail account, and now the government owns my dad that's right

up there with like now if you'll excuse me i have to go suck my wife's dick uh so yeah i fucking love you guys i love you too buddy patreon.com slash mean boys five dollars a month get you access to bonus content which i know we've been a little sporadic with it's because we're making a stupid tv show i promise we'll catch up and more. It's with Snark Week and more special plans. Yeah, $10 a month. Get you some merch. More special plans I just made up to sell the fact that we're really sorry.

$10 a month. Get you a free piece of merch every month this month. We haven't put up what we're doing for this month, but it'll be stickers of some sort, right? It'll be stickers. Yeah, we'll be announcing what those are. I'll do that tomorrow while I'm supposed to be telling Hitler what to say.

Yeah, but jump on the Patreon. It really does help us out. It helps us keep the show good and spicy. What else do we got? By good and spicy, I mean the host not dead and inside. Really what we mean. Again, we will tell you we're on the brink of poverty. So I'm going to go full-blown NPR pledge week right now.

We're doing tote bags. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, but give us your money, please. Yeah, yeah. What else? Did you follow us on social media? At Mean Boys Podcast. Facebook.

Did you engage in the subreddit, Our Mean Boys, where there's a lot of scintillating discussion? Like, is Tom actually that fat? And what's Keith's whole deal? Yeah. Then get over there. Yeah, jump on the subreddit now if you haven't already. We have a thread. Post videos you like. I'm sorry. I'm just trying. Yeah, jump on the subreddit now if you haven't already. We have a thread. I'm telling you,

post videos you like. I'm sorry. I'm just trying. I'm vamping. I'm feeling myself. Yeah, so just I want to see people. I want to see whatever your man eats dog shit is

in the subreddit. Just talk about stuff. Hang out. It's fun. Yeah, and oh, what is... Okay, I just want to put on the top post right now is not trying to be spicy,

but I think Luis Gomez is full of shit. Yeah, dude, get us attacked by a bigger subreddit and destroy us. Because we have 430 Spartans against a field of fucking vape shop employees that they have aghast. That rules hard. But we also have a fucking thread going on the Reddit right now. If you want to ask my mom a question when we inevitably interview her and the heat death of the universe takes us all. Yeah, it's got 39 fucking responses. Too many, and some of you, shut up. Some people are.

By the way, this is not including the people texting and DMing them to me all day. Yeah, but you got to get on the subreddit if you want us to ask her. He's asking about my pants. A lot of people. We'll figure this out off air, probably. So that's the intro. We'll teach Tom the internet When we're not busy

Enjoy how I'm adding to it Yes One of the mics Is a little crooked But you get it You know it's good It's not unlistenable I promise

It's a great episode And it was a lot of fun I loved doing it We gotta do more in LA Thank you So without any further ado Here's our live show Halloween Any further ado, here's our live show, Halloween.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Who's ready to cunt out with their gunt out? I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And we went through nine drafts of that nihilist quote. Welcome to Hall of Mean, everybody. Thank you for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Should we have planned and promoted this better? Probably. I'll have you guys know when we had the idea, we were picturing a big warehouse studio, 54, but with pumpkins and tits.

And it kind of just ended up 20 people at Echoes on Pico. But we appreciate that you're here. This is exactly what I imagined. So the joke's on you. I think we can all agree that 20 seems optimistic. Hey. Very good point. The dispersal of this crowd looks like my back hair.

There's just weird clumps sporadically, but a lot of no man's land. Only one person came in costume. That's incredible. Oh, I thought you were just dressed that way. I thought you were a douchebag. I didn't realize it was a theme to the douchebaggery. I thought it was just like, oh, this guy. You won the costume contest.

Yeah. That is the most creative autism I've ever seen, finding a way to wear sunglasses inside. Wow, that's a mean boy's life hack. Halloween, you can wear sunglasses inside. You don't have to look at the girls. You're disappointing. Welcome to the future of in-cellery, ladies and gentlemen. I love that you have the audacity to talk shit on anybody while you are wearing a fanny pack.

Well, with a fanny pack. What's your costume? I'm going as a, I don't know, a hype beast. Well, I brought up the fanny pack on the program, as some diehards may know, so I haven't, I've not had the confidence to wear it outside, so I thought Halloween would be a perfect occasion to give you guys a special treat,

which is... I think we can all agree that no. Yeah. A good sign of how much I care about and respect you people is that my idea of a special treat is not write a good show, but put on a bad fanny pack. I'm honestly shocked you have any self-esteem left. Can we talk about what you found out from your mother today?

I got some pretty bad family news yesterday on Twitter. Some of you guys may already be aware. I found out that I'm a doggy style baby. Which really blew my whole world wide open. Because I thought if you had a baby doggy style it came out black I thought that's where they came from It's the coolest way to have sex the coolest kind of baby It just seemed like it would be a you know, perfect sense

But I tweeted that I wanted to have one baby cowgirl and one baby doggy style and then raise them as an experiment My mom chimed in and said don't do it. The doggy style baby will be a huge disappointment. And then Connor's father materialized, played a reggaeton air horn for 48 minutes. And my dad is in a Kiss tribute band. He flies model airplanes. I didn't think he was cool enough to do doggy style. I thought my dad did doggy style like four times on his birthday throughout their entire relationship. But here I find out that's how I came into this world everything you've told me about your dad i can't imagine him fucking at all like i just yeah i feel like he gave your mom a beaker full of jizz and was

like well you handle the rest barbara yeah my dad i'll be in my study my dad has all the most autistic hobbies and he has a robot heart i thought that i didn't have to think about him fucking for the rest of my life. Oh, I was just going to ask, if it's not Doggy Saw on her birthday, do you think he analed her on her birthday? No. Yeah, Connor's an anal baby.

Actually, if you have an anal baby, the baby comes out gay. That's how it works. I talked to Joe about it. He said that I could say that. So if you have any issues, tweet at him. Taint baby. A taint baby?

She ripped a hole in the taint? Bisexual. You fucked the cavity between her bladder and uterus? I don't fuck well. You never pop somebody up the gooch? Like a Capri Sun pouch next to your pussy? What are you talking about? Here's what I love about your mom.

It never goes in the first time. Here's what I love about your mom. Knowing you're in the first time. Here's what I love about your mom. Knowing you're a doggy style baby, that means either one, your parents fuck very infrequently. Yeah. That was like the one within three months. Or they love doggy style. I know. Or you think I haven't crunched every conceivable number in this equation.

No, see, I like the idea that your mom just like knew that was like she's down there and just hears ding. Like when you hit the bell at the top at a carnival. Yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, that's a dinger. I'm pregnant. I would rather be adopted, a stray doggy-style baby. Come on, everybody. Come on.

Give it to me. That wasn't bad. I didn't write that in the car. That was fresh. You for sure wrote that in the car. No, I wrote the thing that bombed earlier in the 1488 thing. I wrote stuff. Speaking of writing stuff, you guys know the car. No, I wrote the thing that bombed earlier in the 1488 thing. I wrote stuff. Speaking of writing stuff,

you guys know the show. You know how we like to kick it off. I think we're all fired up, you know, if I had to say it. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke off, ladies and gentlemen? That sound like a good idea? I'm going to go ahead. We got a dominatrix for the show. We do. Please put your hands together for Mistress K Mistress K everybody

Hi guys I like that Connor made sure his fanny pack didn't touch the ground Like it's an American flag If it touches anything where people might have fucked You have to part it I'm realizing that I haven't met our dominatrix until right now We haven't talked Very charmed, nice to meet you

I didn't know your voice sounded like that This is pretty funny No, I just feel like it's a little basic To be a dominatrix You know what I mean You very much had like That's not the kind of sound that comes out of someone that hits people professionally.

I can't wait until she hits you. It does feel like we're about to receive some pumpkin spice violence. A little bit, yeah. I also want to point out, I'm going to drip melted candle wax on you but they're all from Bath and Body Works. I'm like, ooh, is that? That's not vanilla, that's French vanilla.

I'm going to make you get on your knees and beg to speak to the manager. I also want to point out that when I met the dominatrix back behind the curtain there that we're pretending is backstage. By the way, she doesn't have a name. We just call her the dominatrix. Mrs. K. Mrs. K.

I'm sorry. I'm learning. This is what I do. Every come begins with K. Oh, shit. All right.. I'm learning. This is what I do. Every come begins with Kay. Calm down. I was like, remember how nice I've been. I was like,

what did you bring to use on us? You guys know the scene in Crocodile Dundee when he pulls out the knife that's too big of a knife? She did that, but with a dildo. A dildo that was nine feet long. I'm like, I don't know what kind of show you think we're doing, but maybe. That's not a knife. She did that, but with a dildo. A dildo that was nine feet long. I'm like, I don't know what kind of show you think we're doing, but maybe. That's not a dong.

This is a dong. You sell those dildos, right? Yeah, I like to be prepared. Wait, you're a dildo salesman? I am. What? I don't even think this is long. It is, yeah. Keep talking. So tell us about your dildo business. So I've been slinging dildos on these mean streets for about seven years.

Uh-huh. When you say slinging dildos, I just picture you shooting them out of a T-shirt cannon. Yeah. I more so imagine you're delivering them like a paper route, just slinging them. Goddamn dildo lady lifted under the car again. I backed out over it. Now I'm not going to learn who won the game. I'm like Oprah. Everybody check under your chair.

And then she's going to sneak up behind you and put a big ass dildo on you. Don't fall for it, everybody. You're way too excited. That's one for here and one for here. You can't do stuff like that at our shows because the people that come to these things are the type of dudes to low-key like stuff in their ass but are a little shy about it.

Are you speaking from personal experience? I don't like it, but I mean I'm a team player, so you know. Someone's heard Connors Closer. Yep. All right, guys. We'll get into the Mexican joke off. I actually tried, and they're still pretty bad. So let's get ready here.

A Fresno man set fire to his house trying to kill spiders with a blowtorch. Keith Carey's mother's first bikini wax was hailed as a rousing success. She's got spiders in her pussy, and the only means she would have to dispose of them would be a blowtorch. She's trash. Do you have to explain the joke? I do. Damn!

I feel like I need to hit him just for that. Mistress K, your mom got you. Do any other women want to dunk on Connor? Line up, guys. It's open season on Connor's ego. Okay, yeah, I guess you can hit me. There's no line forming. Sam.

Sam. All right, you want to get him one? Yeah, sure, yeah. I feel like I probably... So I have a preference. Just so everybody knows, I usually ask for consent, which they've already given me. Uh-huh.

No one was worried. Yeah, yeah. No one is worried about anything bad happening to us. Nobody looks at these three men and is like, I hope they're not victims. Yeah, right? Oh, look at these three. Just in case, for legal purposes.

We're not trying to frame you. We are recording. Yeah, this is the most elaborate entrapment ever. I'm going to start an unsuccessful podcast for two and a half years, take up all of my free time, ruin my life, and because of it, I'll find out that I'm a doggy-style baby and my mom will know everything my dick has ever done.

And then I'm going to sue a poor dildo salesman for $30,000 after she hits me kind of hard with a shitty rope. The perfect crime. It's like fucking Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can, but spoiler alert, I'm not getting caught or a pilot's license. Okay, just to clarify, porn would be an upgrade. Oh, from podcasting? Yeah.

Yeah, why are we just standing up here stating the obvious? No, why don't you stand for me? Well, why don't you drop the attitude? I mean, I'm already... This is Connor in a nutshell. He got a huge laugh off the joke and and somehow talked his way into getting a hint. I'm going to put the hint. Okay, yeah, yeah.

All right. I don't love this. Oh, okay. All right. Ow. That wasn't great. We are one joke deep, people. Yeah.

This is going to be the Dodgers game of fucking podcasts. We've done one joke. It's already been 15 minutes. Sorry, everybody. A Down Syndrome girl from Massachusetts has made $500,000 on her cookie business. Upon further investigation, she was not Down Syndrome.

She was just from Boston. Ah, you're getting hit. I'm getting hit. I do like any joke that... Can I also tell you that I'm from Boston? I know! Oh, shit. Oh, you're fucked up now, kid.

You're about to have your beans baked, bitch. Baked beans. Oh, shit. Tom, first of all, what if I told you about yelling the word beans when people already think you're retarded? It makes my job of explaining that you're just mentally disturbed so much more difficult when you go around going beans!

Here's the last three foods I remember. Ah, shit. Yeah, well those combine my two favorites, beans and candy! Here's a Halloween theme joke. A man dressed his child as Hitler and attended a family Halloween picnic, marking the first time black people have called the cops on a white barbecue.

Okay, all right. Now, could you explain it really quick? Sure won't. Damn it. I'm going to take the W, champ. Well, fuck me for trying to give the folks at home extra comedy. Okay, well, you guys have turned on me. It usually happens.

Usually about five minutes, I'm too much of a piece of shit. You turned on you. I don't like myself. Your joke worked, and you still got hit. Okay, alright. Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam. Great, now we'll never get to see your hair. Because she's already bald and they wear headscarves.

Suck my dick. Just so you know, that costs extra. I'm good. A woman on meth tried to bite off a man's penis. Wow, talk about a bad dinner date. All right. All right. That's Catskills Tom with a rare victory. And I have a showdown there.

A woman under the influence of heroin and meth was arrested after trying to bite a man's penis off. A GoFundMe has been started to raise, bail, and pay for my mom's impending fifth divorce. If you can't beat him, join him. Yeah. All right, guys. Producers confirmed that Apu is being written out of the symptoms

following controversy about his stereotypical portrayal. In a related story, the taco monster has died on the way back to his home planet. I'm so sorry. It's me. I'm going bye-bye. We better delete this before we get a real job. I'll see you when there's another Democratic president. Caitlyn Jenner has admitted she was wrong about Trump. Her gender? Trump?

Those people she hit with her car. Wow, this lady flips everything. Nah, dog. You did call her a lady, so I think you should get wokeness points, and you should be hit extra hard for that. Fuck, man. That looked like it hurt Tom, a guy who let his pancreas explode inside of him, and he left it untreated for two weeks, so that was pretty impressive.

I thought it was gas. That's how bad his gas is, is he thought a, quote, chemical fire that the doctor told him was farts. That is what a diet of Sour Patch Kids, iced coffee, and fucking nonsense gets you. I eat the nonsense. Reports reveal that the man who mailed bombs to several politicians used to be a male stripper, so I guess he had experience handling a package nobody wanted.

I don't... What you do, Keith, is you write Reader's Digest jokes About dirty stories That's like What I do is be funny And not get whipped You basically do I guess a dog can learn new tricks

But it's about a dog dying after he tries to rescue Kids in the snow Alright this is really bad New reporting says that the hit squad That allegedly killed Jamal Khashoggi smoked and drank in their taxi cab after the murder. This haunting detail proves what we've all been expecting. Saudi Arabian taxis are fucking awesome. You can smoke and drink in a taxi in Saudi Arabia?

That's the fucking next live show. We're doing it. Okay. If we went to Saudi Arabia, how long would it take us to be murdered by the government? Oh, jeez. I got to figure as soon as Tom, like, tried to describe anything. Beans are illegal here. I don't have.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. I also, I hate that we've reorganized who's going to get hit the most. Yeah. All right. The first Catholic priest in Alaska was outed as a pedophile. I've heard of a cold case, but this is ridiculous.

I don't know about that one. It's cold there. He raises some good points, but what do you think? Whip or no whip? Whip. Whip. Oh, we're doing it. Okay.

Sorry, buddy. It's fine. Beans. Okay. Fucking yikes. All right. All right. A man is... From this week's selection of humor in uniform,

Keith Carey. Here's the problem. I hate how much this next joke kind of proves the point. Oh, good, yeah. A man has been leaving soiled diapers around New Jersey for several months. New Jersey residents became suspicious when their state began inexplicably smelling better. That'll be me. Yeah, that'll be you.

Mr. Carey to the bitch boy office. All right. Oh, fuck. I have so much back fat. How does it still hurt? It's so cool how the front jiggles when she hits the back. It's great. I want to put a glass of wine on one of your tits next time you get hit

so we can do, like, a Tempur-Pedic test. My torso looks like some shit you would put in, like, a children's museum to teach them about, like, earthquakes. No, it's like, remember when you made oobleck in eighth grade, and you're like, whoa, it's so crazy, and then you're like, no, what fucking way? It's just fucking, it's a liquid anisole, and it's bizarre.

All right, guys. That's a fucking joke. South Africa's home affairs minister says he's being blackmailed over a sex tape. He said to the press, quote, I'm just doing my job, and my job is to have affairs in my home. You almost got saved by one laugh. Paige Wesley almost fucking rescued me.

Not even. Okay. All right. Fucking goddamn. Let this dumb bitch hit me with this stupid whip. Get him. Boston Trash. Yeah, you got two.

Beating our baseball game. Fucking bad makeup. Fucking. All right. Yeah, you got two. Beating our baseball game fucking pieces. Bad makeup fucking. All right. So when you shoplifted that entire Mac store on your face, did they say anything? You do kind of look like a mermaid after the BP oil spill. Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith. Are you jealous? Yeah. Keith, Keith. Are you jealous? Yeah.

Oh, man. That was... All right. Should I go with technically a joke or something that made me laugh really hard? The second one. There's no wrong answers. Second one.

Okay. A gay penguin couple is raising a baby penguin. What's next, gay penguins? What? You fucking moron I'll take that hand, I don't give a shit All Tom's limbs came off the ground at once Like Yosemite Sam getting excited.

I would watch a full 30 for 30 on why you thought that was a good idea to say out loud into a microphone. You know what? I knew it wasn't going to do well, but it made me laugh so hard when I thought of it. Okay, all right. And that's what's important to me. You're wrong. I'm right. I'm the one.

I already got hit. Yeah, last one. Keith's going to bring us in strong. A gunman. And everyone knows that if you bomb the last yoke, you get hit last one. Key's going to bring us in strong. A gunman. And everyone knows that if you bomb the last joke, you get hit five times. That's always been the rule. We talked about it before the show. I'm going to be honest with you.

I'll take it. I will bet this joke you'll find it. Oh, shit. Don't let me down, everybody. You know what to do. Walk him out. Throw away the key. Chumps.

All right. Give him a nice fair read. A gunman. I know you're going to fuck me over. You're vaping. You sack of shit. A gunman opened fire on a synagogue in... No.

I'm playing with some... A gunman opened fire on a synagogue in Pittsburgh, killing 11. It was a day of unspeakable pain and tragedy. Or as it's known to the Jewish people, a day. Damn. Against all odds, the champ brings us home. That was a Mexican joke. Are you guys ready to light this candle?

It's all I mean, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming. We love you very much. We've brought some of our absolute favorite guests, some of our favorite comedians of the world for you tonight. I can't wait for you to see them. Everybody who said yes after Gareth said no. We're talking.

We reached out to Steve Ranazzisi. Out of town. Yeah. out to Steve Ranazzisi. Kyle Kinane. Not interested. Jeff Ross. Forgot who I was and I currently work for. Let's keep going. This is fun. Tony Hinchcliffe. Super gay. I love pussy. This is ridiculous. It's a

slander operation. It's great. It's so squishy inside. It's like It's so squishy inside It's like a pumpkin It makes me feel whole and warm But you know who did say yes? One of our favorite comics You can hear this lady hosting her own podcast The Mormon and the Meth Head Much more successful than ours, by the way

Wildly We have no business having her here But we're thrilled we do Give it up for Jessa Reed Jessa Reed, everybody Jessa, the only woman I've heard talk about more birds than Tom What a weird thing to take umbrage with in that sense I am a man

A man who is really into animals It was off the whole time Yeah I really hope that I really hope that means when the recording happens, there's just no Tom. And it just sounds like we're on some Tyler Durden shit. You just vaguely hear the audio from my mic. Tom Beans!

Me and Connor had some sort of acid freakout and just invented another weird fat friend. I'm the acid freakout. Jess, thank you for being here. We're like an acid reflux freakout. He's fat, everybody. Boom! Alright, bring Mistress K back out. Now, we are going to play one of my

favorite games from the show. This is a game we like to call Price Check. Hey, Price Check. And the way this game works, basically, I give you two things. You tell me which one costs more or is worth more. And this is an all spooky, all Halloween edition. So, number one... you tell me which one costs more or is worth more. And this is an all spooky, all Halloween edition. Ooh. So number one.

You sound like a ghost or just like a confused dog. Yeah. We didn't bring sound effects, so I got to do all the sound effects. It's got this Google lightning sound. Yeah. While you're doing that, which one costs more, a 250-count bag of fun-sized candy or a 100-count bag of razor blades? Ooh.

Oh, like to put in the candy. Yeah, Tom, that would be the bit. Smart fella. Ooh. I've got to figure the putting the razor blades into the candy process is pretty tedious. Like, if you want to hurt a kid, like it... You know? It just seems like a bad risk-reward.

Like, it's a lot of work to put it in there. You got to hide it. You don't even get to see the kid get hurt. You see, I... Like, I don't want to hurt a kid, but it seems like it would be part of the process. Like, that's the reward. You know what I mean?

Like, they got to go find the hurt kids. It's like doing stand-up to a silent room. It's just like, I don't know if I did well or not. It's, uh, you know, I... I'm, you know, I haven't hurt that many kids, but I feel like where the smart money's at is you want to get a syringe full of poison, very small puncture hole within the Snickers wrapper. You inject the poison into the nougaty center.

Nice and overkill. Bada-boom, bada-boom. Jessa, how would you murder a child? Probably just keep trying to raise them to the best of her abilities. If I had to guess. I just hug them too hard. Yeah, probably. Just listen to her said. You should marry her mom.

Jesus Christ. I'm going to say the razor blades. Okay. Jessa, what do you think? Razor blades. Do they sell them by the bag? It's like a pack. It's not just a loose sack of razor blades. Hey, we're on cocaine. Here you go. I really was hoping that the company did that.

They got the loan. They spent millions of dollars and they shipped them out to stores in plastic bags so as soon as they arrived, they're just, no, it's a razor blade fucking confetti nightmare all over Joanne's fabric stock rooms across the country. How much candy was it? 250 pieces of candy. Oh, 250 pieces?

This can't possibly be affecting your thought process. Oh. Tom doesn't know what a razor blade is exactly, but he doesn't know the street value of a Reese's Peanut Butter. No, it just sounds like you're haggling in a game of Dungeons & Dragons. 250 gold pieces for a short sword? I shaved my upper shoulders today. I know how much razors cost.

I'm going to go with my upper shoulders. That's what I'm calling my neck now, if anyone's wondering what I was referring to. That means that you have so much shoulders that you have to differentiate regions of them. Your shoulders are so fat, you're like, oh yeah, that's the fucking spinal

peninsula. You have like a fold down the middle that's like the DMZ between north and south of your shoulders. I have a fat neck, but if I say I just have a small shoulders though. So I have small something this way. Well, you have short ass arms, so you have to shave yourself with a fucking razor on a stick. Yeah, I have a selfie stick. Imagine somebody would never seen Tom hearing him go, I got a fat neck, but small shoulders.

And just the Dr. Seuss abomination they think his body looks like. Yeah, you can put as much flannel and Doom Tunes over that as you want, but, I mean, it's pretty good. Shout out to Doom Tunes. You pointed up as though Doom Tunes had passed away. Yeah. I also like that you're doing your thinking lean. Yeah, man. He's like, well, I got the shirt in the mail.

The mail goes in the sky, so I got to give him a shout out. He's up there. The plane's full of shirts. That's what they call UPS. It's ups. Tom, when you lean forward to think, it looks like you're trying to shake thoughts out of your ass into your brain. Okay, come on. There's got to be some good ideas.

Oh, okay. Yeah, we'll call it Skyfire. Alright, I'm going to poop out of blades on this one. I think it's the razors. Alright, all three of you are wrong. The 250 count candy, $19.99. 100 razor blades, $8.70. What? What?

The razor blades got from where? What's up? Where do you get these razor blades? The internet, dog. Why do you need 100 razor blades? Nobody tell him. I've never thought about you and wish you had more sharp objects. Not once.

A four pack is like 12 bucks. It's just loose razor blades, Tom. It's not like a full stick. I was imagining the action. I was like, why? You shave yourself with razor blades? You just lose razor blades. Moving on.

The next one, please. You shouldn't have sharp eyes. It is good that you've pretty much baby-proofed your entire body by putting a protective layer of fat over all sharp corners. I love that Tom lost all this weight, and I'm still on stage, and he's still getting the fat shit.

Well, I'm lazy. What are you... You think you guys are going to improve your bodies, and I'm going to improve my comedy skills? No, I'm just going to keep calling you guys fat. You're wearing the fanny pack over those shirts. Yeah, it's an aesthetic. Number two, Halloween costume edition.

Which one costs more? A latex Bill Cosby mask or an Anne Frank Halloween costume for kids? Whoa. Wait, that's a thing? It's a real thing. And it is like there were two sites carrying it. One was like, we'll just call it a World War II evacuee costume.

And one of them doubled down and was like, you're Anne Frank, bitch. What that bitch do? I dare her. Does it come with a diary? Yes. Dude, why was that? It was a diary, a beret, and a faraway look in your eye.

Oh, no. I don't understand the Anne Frank Halloween costume, because there's only like three pictures of that bitch. We don't know what she looks like. She's not iconically, you know, like, you know, like she doesn't have like, oh, yeah, of course, the Anne Frank shirt. You couldn't tell me what shirt.

Is it a sexy Anne Frank? No, it's for kids, you psychopath. Hold up, hold up. We do not believe in sexualizing children here at Mean Boys. Just beating them knives. Is it a sexy Cosby outfit? It depends on what kid is wearing it. Duh.

It's one of fucking Tom Cruise's kids, probably. Everyone knows I have a thing for Asians. Jess, any thoughts on the Frank Cavallini? I'm going to say the Bill Cosby mask. I got to feel like people won't make those anymore, so the remaining supply, the price is inflated, you know, after all the controversy. That's my little theory.

I feel like Bill Cosby is a more relevant costume this year, though. Bill Cosby's having a moment. Okay, so you guys heard it here first. Jessa Reed doesn't care about the Holocaust. Wow. That's not what she said. She just said Bill Cosby is a more important hero than Anne Frank. Pull up your pants, Jessa.

So you're going Bill Cosby? Can I circle back to something? Sorry, not to obsess. Okay, go ahead. Think it over. Tom. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

You said Cosby? No, you said Frank. Who did you say? I said Cosby. I'm going to say Frank. There we go. And you're big. I'm on Cosby.

We're on Cosby. Heck of a sentence. All right. The on Cosby. We're on Cosby. Heck of a sentence. The Bill Cosby mask, $26.95. The Anne Frank Halloween costume for kids, $40.63. Wow. God damn it. I like that you all just

politely applauded like justice was served. Shout out to Doom Tunes for bringing that one home for me. Ops. All right. I'm not proud of this next one. Oh, good.

That means he's very proud of this next one. Which one weighs more? The heaviest pumpkin ever grown in North America or deceased stand-up comedian Ralphie Manning? We are the champions, my friends. You know what? It's okay to make jokes about Ralphie Mae because his body is finally cold. It's finally, at this point, it just reached a temperature below 80 degrees

so we can start telling jokes. Oh, it's got to be Ralphie. Yeah, the biggest pumpkin I know of is from Cinderella, and that's fiction. Tom, watch out and pack their number one. Not in North America. Well, yeah, also, you can't fucking, like, the axle of a carriage doesn't grow in the ground.

You're going to have to take that up with the writer, but I'm going to go. Damn it. You know how much it sucks to go to your fucking job every week and get owned by a retard? It's humiliating. I'm going to go pumpkin, but I'm going to go pumpkin but I don't yeah I'm going to go pumpkin the deciding vote goes to Jessa we're going with the pumpkin

the heaviest pumpkin ever grown in North America 2,528 pounds the heaviest weight of Smelfy May 800 pounds aw man closer than it should have been I like it's like far enough apart that it's like oh okay well obviously it's a hilarious disparity It was closer than it should have been. It's like far enough apart that it's like,

oh, okay, well, obviously it's a hilarious disparity. But yeah, you're like, yeah, only three times. Yeah, I mean, yeah, he's in the same ballpark. I saw the dude when he was alive, and the only way to describe his width was like, the dude was like a whole hallway. You know what I mean? Like, it was like one lane traffic. But you're like, all right, everybody has to back out.

It's like when someone fucks up at a parking lot He was just the size of like a sassy Subaru Yeah That's like the weight difference He was like a smart car that told racist jokes I was about to say it's like the weight difference Between like a smart car and a pickup truck Like you shouldn't be in the same

You shouldn't be both compared to I lost it next one I know what to admit defeat You shouldn't be both compared to, I lost it. Next one. I know what to admit, defeat. You're here for my non-riffs. Thomas, you've got a great career now because people get just as excited about you failing miserably as they do at you succeeding. People love it when I, people don't want me to fucking succeed. I mean, the God, like God or the government does it. But I mean, you know, the listeners do.

All right, which one costs more? A signed painting by John Wayne Gacy or the cost of deep cleaning and remodeling a crawl space? John Wayne, he ate kids, right? You're halfway there, champ. He had kids? Well, he had them in so much as he owned children. But,? Well, he had them in so much as he owned children,

but I mean, he didn't make them. Jeffrey Dahmer is the one who ate people. John Wayne Gacy murdered a bunch of boys and men, and then hit him in his crawlspace. Okay. What kind of square footage is this crawlspace? This is just the average cost for a normal American house. Okay. I didn't go that fucking deep on

it, man. What was the question again? Which caused more... Did anyone else forget? No, just you. Which caused more, a painting that John Wayne Gacy did or cleaning and remodeling a crawl space of a house where he hid his body? I'm going to say John Wayne Gacy.

A carpeted crawl space. Seems like a lot. Seems like a big investment for not a lot of payoff. Kind of like this show. What kind of idiot carpets a crawl space? I feel like crawl spaces should just come... People who want to crawl there. I think if you're storing dead bodies in there.

Yeah, you want to just have a tarp. If you're storing dead bodies, the last thing you want is a thing that absorbs moisture and stains. I mean, best case scenario, you're putting your wedding video up there so you can take it out and cry to it once a year on your birthday. You know, it doesn't need to be carpeted. I have a theory for why a murderer might want a carpeted crawl space. So it's like you let the bodies kind of seep in there like you're making people sangria.

And then you just like cut a square of the carpet and just bring it with you to smell it and remember what you did. Oh, yeah. What? I'm not saying you should do that. The Keith Carey scratch and snap. I'm trying to justify Jess's dumb thing. What are you remodeling a crawl space for? Presumably because you found a bunch of dead boys and men down there.

Well, no, I'd like to see the little carpet square cut out and hanging on the rear view window like a car freshener. You know, so John Wayne Gacy's driving to work like, oh, another day of being a clown. Oh, that's good coming, murder. You know? Wait, hang on. Was this. A little spring in his step. Was this dude a painter and then they found out he killed people or he killed people like,

oh, shit, he paints too. He was doing both at the same time. But he wasn't known for his painting. The murder kind of took. Sorry. Yeah, he was focused on both. Okay. But the murder really kind of took the wheel.

People appreciate art. All right, we're going painting? Yep, we've got painting. Painting. Painting, $6,000. Gwinning a crawl space, $5,500. Oh, that's close. That is pretty close.

Yeah. That's very close. All right. That's less of a difference between Ralphie May and a pumpkin. Let's just say that's so close, I might be a little late getting home tonight. Might go murder some kids it's halloween guys one more one more and then the final showdown okay which one which is there more of the amount of women the amount of women executed as witches in salem or the amount of

women who have publicly accused donald of sexual assault. Oh, damn. Interesting. The witches thing, I feel like that got blown way out of proportion. I mean, if it was more than zero, that's a big deal. Yeah. If I knew one lady who got killed for being a witch, I'd be like, they're killing too many witches. I mean, but maybe you shouldn't be doing this spooky shit.

Which in those days meant thinking stuff. Yeah. You know, having opinions and driving and all this. This is how we might know Connor got red-pilled. I just think witches had it coming. What were they wearing? Pointy hat? Riding a broom?

I don't know. I fell asleep reading the Comptown subreddit, and now I believe this. I don't know what to do about it, but it's my life now. You guys are all complicit in something very bad by being here. I'm going to say fucking witches. All right. Tom? I'm going to say there's – yeah, this popping in and out isn't great.

I'm going to go Trump ladies. All right. Trump ladies. All right. Trump ladies. Witches burned in Salem. 20. Ladies who have accused Trump of sexual assault. 22. Yay.

That's it for Price Check, everybody. One more time for Jessarie. Ladies and gentlemen. Coming up next to the stage, one of our old favorites. You guys can hear him on his podcast, Spoil the Beans. Everyone, please clap your hands right now for Hasan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Hasan Ahmad. Thank you for coming, buddy.

So, yeah, you lived in a closet in Van Nuys with Tom. Yes, Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Who's Oliver Hardy for people that aren't Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Who's Oliver Hardy? For people that aren't Oliver Hardy's mom. Old comics. Like wildly famous. You're the one who's wrong for not knowing. Fuck you, Connor.

Fuck me? Yeah, yeah. Because you lived with Tom before I was really friends with Tom. Did you know he was like this? You know you figure out. Yeah. Well, by the way, we started doing Mean Boys in that closet, and Tom's room, which is somehow sadder than his kitchen he lives in now,

was a wooden shelf with, like, a ladder going up to it. And we had the podcast studio, and there we go, and I was like, let me look up at Tom's bed. So there's a wooden shelf, all shelf, one mattress, a knife, and an open bottle of Jack Daniels. And that was the only furnishings. You also forgot the Econo-sized jug of mixed nuts from Costco. Yeah.

And what could be described as a robust amount of cum-soaked Kleenex. Also, you also forgot the sledgehammer. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there was a sledgehammer. Those are the origins of the hammer. Those were the five possessions he prioritized to bring with him to his new life. I had clothes, too. Yeah, but you had a few clothes.

You had rags. Yeah. You had the cum tissues. I need you to shave. Your beard has gotten out of control since the last time I've seen you. It's reached guy-selling incense at the airport level. You kind of look like the singer of Death Grips. You do kind of.

Yeah, yeah. I'll take your word for it. Well, you've got to grow it out too far to know where the line is. It's like, you've got to go too far. You know who else said that? Aziz Ansari. So I don't really think that's how we should approach facial hair or consent. What do they call that beard?

The claw? I enjoy the beard. Happy Halloween, everybody. That's your problem. Tom enjoys the beard. Yeah. All right. So we're doing the worst segment of the show live right now.

Hang on. Let me set this up. So about a year ago, once upon a time, I had. Bad start to setting this up. So about a year ago, once upon a time, I had three minutes to write a sketch. If you say about a year ago, once upon a time. I had three minutes to write a sketch. And then we argued. In a galaxy far, far away, three miles from here. Then we argued on whether or not we would actually put the sketch on air for maybe 90 minutes.

Yeah. And now we're doing a live version of it for you guys. Is anybody familiar with the Mean Boys history of cinema? Yeah. You hear how unenthusiastic that applause is, Tom? So for anybody who's not familiar, here's the deal. Tom wrote the worst sketch in history

where he goes through cinema, which sometimes includes an episode of a television show. And one time I think included like a shirt or something. Yeah, it was the Backstreet Boys, the beginning of the Backstreet Boys. That's right. Yeah, that classic piece of cinema, a band. And that classic band, the Backstreet Boys. The rules for this sketch are Tom's allowed to do it,

but he has to do every single voice himself. And we do the music and sound effects, and he gets no do-overs. Now, none of us have read this script until right now. We're going to break it down. Page 1, page 2, page 3. So I'll do all the music and sound effects for page 1. You do it for page 2. Connor, you're page 3.

And feel free to comment upon what Tom has done. So if you're doing page 1, he's doing page 2, and I'm doing page three, who's going to give everyone their money back when they leave as soon as we start doing this? I'm pretty sure at least four of these people snuck in. So we're fine. You know who you are. All right.

Also, this was your idea. Never mind. I know. I'm excited. Don't break the fourth wall, asshole. Fail. Are we ready for the Mean Boys history of cinema? Pretend you want this.

And now for another Mean Boys History of Cinema, where we take the greatest works of cinematic history and then explain the beginnings of their name. Fuck. And now... You wrote this. And now for your first film, Ghostbusters. Oh, yeah, give it to me. I am giving it to you.

I am a ghost who is giving it to you sexually. Oh, yeah, I hope my husband doesn't come home early. Hey, it's your husband. It says I'm your husband, you dumb shit. Why are you sleeping with that ghost? I asked you not to cheat on me. Oh, no. I already busted in her.

And I busted you. It's Ghostbusters. I already busted in her. And I busted you. It's Ghostbusters. They better not do one where I'm a lady. Ghostbusters. And I want to point out before we move forward, the stage direction here simply says, singing Ghostbusters, no lyrics. Which, how?

That's rule one of singing a thing. Amazing. That one worked on two levels. Busted, I caught you, and busted and come. Truly beautiful. Because, oh, but don't get too scared. But don't get too scared yet. This costs $10.

Because the next film coming at you is Get Out. You may know it from being out last year. Hi, I'm a black guy. I hope that's okay. Hey, I'm a white guy. Get out. Hi. That was Get Out. Just get out.

Wow. What a long film. Just the way the movie was supposed to be. But don't worry. Here comes Beetlejuice. Solid music work you're doing, son. Oh, hello. It's John Lennon. I love submarines and Asian women.

Hey there, I'm... Hey there, John. I'm OJ Simpson. Howdy, y'all. It's me, OJ Simpson. Hey there, I'm expository dialogue. I hear you enjoy having a wife. Me too. I hope no one fact checks that. Oh, crikey, there's a baby stuck in that laundry machine. Quick, with my attempt, with my strength,

and your ability to be annoyingly British, we can save the baby. It's a gun. Out of joy, we saved the baby. Did you see that? That beetle and the juice saved the baby. Thank you. Beetle juice. Beetle juice.

Beetle juice. Oh, whoops. I accidentally killed the baby. Never say my name three times. Here's where it gets really dumb. So that was Beetle juice. So that's how Michael Keaton got his start. Amazing.

But we aren't done yet. For our final film, we have the origin of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Now, it's very important, real quick, that you all know he spelled Reese's R-E-E-C-E-S. Like thick and feces, but he also wanted some candy. Hey, I'm a man who enjoys only circular candy. Oh, me too. Would you like to make coitus? Yes, thank you for asking.

Oh, boy, this is some good coitus. Yeah, coitus made real good. Oh, quick, where should I pee out my nut butter? In this cup. Perfect. The stage direction there was wild man orgasm. Also, where was the lady voice for Ghostbusters? Don't judge me.

Oh, shit. I lost my place. How? In this cup. I think you figured out what happened. Perfect. You can't find it. Hey, look. I peed How? In this cup. I think you can figure out what happened. Perfect. You can't find it. Hey, look.

I peed nut butter into that cup. You should call that candy that's round and call it that. You're right. I will now invent the peanut butter cup. That was Mean Boys History of Cinema. Thank you for listening. We will be ruining the podcast with this segment again during snark week. Up, up and away.

One more time for professional writer Tom Goss. And Asan Amad, everybody. Asan Amad, everybody. Listen to his podcast, Spoil the Beans. Oh, boy. We got one more comedian for him. Two more comedians. We have two more comedians for you guys.

Your next comic coming to the stage, a very funny dude. You've heard him very recently on the show. He's become our real go-to special guest. Give it up right now for Isaac Hirsch. Isaac Hirsch, everybody. Isaac Hirsch, everybody. I made him do the Jeopardy joke. The Jeopardy joke is one of my favorite jokes in all of stand-up comedy.

You think I would have finally written an ending to it, but nope. Alright, guys. We're doing a little bit of a twist on one of our classic segments. This is Letters to Santa. We're going to answer some kids' letters to Santa. For Halloween! Yep.

Fucking why not? Here's what happened It's a spooky amount Of not prepared We normally do Creepily off theme We normally do Letters to God

Are a new name It's a thing we write And I texted both of them And I was like Does anybody have an idea About a Halloween Themed written segment Three hour pause

And then somebody goes I don't know Letters to Santa Keith You know I was busy Having sex And then somebody goes, I don't know, letters to Santa? Keith, you know I was busy having sex and playing Flash games, alright? I don't have time to write the show that people pay us to do. Like, come on.

Yeah, Connor started doing a thing where he would just play shitty Newgrounds games from 12 years ago while we're recording Mean Boys. Yeah. I like that I prepare more for Mean Boys than Connor does. You do. We're grooming you to replace him when he eventually quits and goes to the action famous. That is such a bad idea. Can you buy a fanny pack?

That's all that's left. Yeah, Isaac, you're going to have to start dressing like a half-baked hype beast. I've always said the bowling shirt is the fanny pack of shirts. You're not wrong. I mean, this does kind of look like what Charlie Sheen wears after he's been kicked out of the house, and he's kind of like, ah, shit, I got this in the back of the car. Let's fuck it.

I'll take it away. These are all real letters from children to Santa. We're going to answer them as Santa. Dear Santa, my brother is three. Please bring him diapers. One time he peed in my mouth, and I spit it out. Signed, Addison. Been there.

Dear Addison, you spit it out? Sorry, I don't bring presents to quitters. Love, Santa. Have I ever told the story of when I drank my pee on the show? Gonna need you to right now, champ. Okay, so here's what happens. I'm driving to a show. I'm late.

I'm thirsty. I'm hosting the show. I pee in a water bottle in traffic. I don't have time to pull over. I gotta piss real bad. I gotta jump on stage. I gotta do this thing. All right. I'm hosting the show. I pee in a water bottle in traffic. I don't have time to pull over. I got to piss real bad. I got to jump on stage. I got to do this thing. I get to the show.

I go to take a drink of water, quench my thirst before I entertain the crowd. I drink my own pee. I realize there's pee in my mouth, so I spit it out and dribble it all over my pants, becoming the first person in the history of the earth to pee their pants via their mouth. And I get to the show, and the comedians are like,

oh, did you piss your pants? I was like, in a roundabout way, yes. All right. Tom, you're up. Oh, okay. Dear Santa. You always read like you just found out reading was a thing. Dear Santa, this is what I would like for Christmas.

A snake opening his mouth, eating a rat. Hunter. I have too many things. Hunter! How the fuck would I do that? How do you expect the timing on this to work? Do you want a snake frozen still with a rat in his mouth or some sort of cue for it to only eat when it sees you?

Eventually, the snake is going to have to swallow. This isn't the porno I'm getting your father. Regardless, enjoy becoming Jeffrey Dahmer. You're truly the Christmas wizard. Man. Yours truly the Christmas wizard. Porno Santa is both a hilarious concept and my new identity. Yeah.

All right. Dear Santa Claus, I thought you might forget me, so I thought I would write you a reminder. I smashed everything you gave me last year. Lynn. That's okay, Lynn. I smashed everything you gave me last year. Lynn. That's okay, Lynn. I would never forget about you, especially since I smashed your mom! Ho, ho, honed, bitch!

I'll fuck her on your new bike and crush it myself! Eat shit! Sincerely, the Christmas Mage. I like that Connor Santa sounds like he's announcing Saturday Night Live. Kenan Thompson is also going to fuck your dad. Musical guest, the XX for some reason. By the way, the only time the XX is a good band is if you're 19 and addicted to Vicodin

and having sex on a pile of Christmas lights in Long Beach. And I can speak from personal experience about that. My ex loved the XX. Hey! That's three X's. Kyle, you're up early. Isaac, get out of here. It's been fun. Thanks so much, guys. Dear Santa,

I'm so sorry for what I did in the past, but this year what I would like for Christmas is $53 billion. Chris. Ho, ho, ho, little boy. You can't just ask Santa for $53 billion. That's not how it works. Instead, you must be born into a family that already has billions of dollars. Merry Christmas.

Ooh, late capitalist Santa Claus. Oh, yeah, I'm getting real political in these Santa letters, guys. Watch out. Isaac is trying to leapfrog our show directly to Chapo Trap House, and I don't appreciate it. This show is apolitical. We have no ideology, except for that the hole of the vagina is lower than you think it's going to be, and the

clit is higher than you think it's going to be. PSA to the virgins at home. Dude, when I first had sex, I did not know what... No one showed me what a vagina was going to look like. I mean, I guess they probably did, but I ignored it. And then I got to one, I was just like,

the whole thing is the hole. I thought it'd be like a clearly markated hole that is like, put your penis in this part. It's like one long hole. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what? It's like a big hole. No, it's not, friend.

Yeah, it is. Did somebody just paint a bigger pussy on? Wait, were you a roadrunner? Yeah, did Wile E. Coyote get to this bitch before you did? I mean, it's just... How big do you think the hole is? I mean, obviously there's the part that's actually the vagina, but there's like a hole leading up to it.

By the way, you're flustered because you're bombing, but now it just really sounds like you've never seen a vagina before. Well, the whole thing's a hole, but there's that first little hole before the main hole. Are you talking about the butthole? What are you talking about? This is like when a little kid tries to give you directions. Okay, you go straight, and then you make another straight, and there's a gas station, and that's my house. That's how you're describing how to get inside of a woman.

Well, I mean, I only have like a 50% success rate of getting it. Oh, yeah. It's better than me, dude. Christ. Dear Santa. I'll hook you up with the Chinese Viagra shit I bought online for a respect. Yeah, that's stuff that failed you on the national stage. I used it recreationally to great success.

I'll have you know. All right? A woman gave me a C+, which is much better than my average. Dear Santa, you better bring my pony this year, or there will be consequences. Signed, Anonymous. Dear Dead Man Walking, you want to start some shit?

I wish a motherfucker would. You want to make big threats? Bring that bitch made us up to the North Pole, and let's play some reindeer games, son. I like that you said dead man walking like a little boy really wants a pony. He's dead man walking from bullying. I wrote the letter.

Suck my nuts, Santa. That's the end of it. Dear Santa. Tom's kid voice is so upsetting. Yeah. It's whimsical. Dear Santa. One of these days we gotta tell Tom what the words he uses mean.

Dear Santa. Oh, God. I love pizza. Tyler. Tyler! What in the fuck do you want me to do with that information? Here, now you're lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, and deathly allergic to tomatoes.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy your fucking carrots and... I can't read that word. You wrote it. Transition, motherfucker. You're truly the Christmas wizard. I don't know why this... You believe Santa can give you allergies?

Dude, he's Snow Jesus. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. We have an episode title. Snow Jesus. Tom, your Santa is just you yelling. Well, God is already this guy. I had to switch it up for Santa Claus. Be the Santa you want to see in the world.

Oh, guys. Dear Santa, please text my dad. I had to switch it up for Santa Claus. Be the Santa you want to see in the world. Yeah. Oh, guys. Dear Santa, please text my dad. He has my whole list. XOXO, Tennessee. Oh, little girl. Your dad named you Tennessee. His phone doesn't work.

For Christmas, I'm giving you an even greater gift than you could have possibly imagined. I'm killing your dad and changing your name to Megan. Enjoy, kiddo. Shit. Dear Santa, I want my brother to not talk when I am talking. Anonymous. Ho, ho, ho. You're going to have to get used to that, little girl.

That's just the way the world is. Now, who wants a pony? Man, yours are just dark truths. Yeah. I forgot what jokes are. I'm so sorry. No, that's okay. I never realized what they were.

Dear Santa, I want a knife, a gun, night vision goggles, and no clothes. Anonymous. Dear Harvey Weinstein, for the last time, stop writing me these letters. I'm not bringing you anything. You're on the naughty list, and you know it.

Not for the sex stuff. I believe men, but unfortunately, you're still Jewish. Yours in Christ, Santa. All right. Now, for this one. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Should I say it the way it's spelled? Yes. I left the spelling errors in this one for Tom specifically. You'll see why when we get to the end. Okay. Dear Santa, I would like to go to work for you. I can fold clothes, wash dishes, cook food, feed the reindeer, sew clothes, wash dishes, cook food, feed the reindeer, sew clothes, make cookies, I can get the mail, I can pan it pictures, I can also carve good, I can paint the sleigh, I

can rate presents to you. Your best furture elf, Anonymous. You're going to make a great capitalist. Finally, someone who's thinking of my needs. But, geez, oh, boy, I love raping presents. Raped presents are my favorite genre of presents. I really don't think you'd be a good fit here. Fucking JonBenet

Ramsey worked the half a shit for me, and we all know what happened to her. Her parents killed her. I love your enthusiasm. Good luck on your future present raping. Have fun swimming for Stanford. Santa Claus.

It was a sticky one. There was no good way to address it. This show really got away from us at some point. Yeah. Somewhere around the middle of last year, it became something we really didn't have control over anymore. Well, I've killed the mood. All right, I got you.

Don't worry about it. Dear Santa, I wanted to tell you that I'm fine. I don't know how, but if you could, please make me turn into a dragon. Anonymous. My dear, you already are one. The pills your mother makes you take that she says are for your heart condition are actually to stop you from assuming your true form and becoming a dragon. Just stuff them in your cheek in the morning. Spit them out when she's not looking.

Three, four days tops. Bada bing, bada boom. You're breathing fire at villagers. This one is a little conceptual, but... Okay, here's my last one. Dear Santa, I want you to know that I want a puppy, and you are not alive. You are fat and stupid.

Riley. Ho, ho, ho. I'm real, and I'll see you in hell, Riley. Santa Claus lives in hell. Yeah. One more time for Santa, everybody. One more time for Isaac Hirsch and his size 2039 pants. The worst pants.

We got one more comic, and then we got one more segment for you. This guy, you know him, you love him. He's the host of the This Is Rad podcast. Give it up for Kyle Clark. Kyle Clark, everybody. Kyle Clark, everybody. Kyle, I want to take a brief 45 minutes to talk about your torso as it pertains to its size in ratio to your legs.

You look like the guy at the Rite Aid just was too optimistic about the capacity of the cone when he scooped the ice cream onto the top of it. So I'm a great value. You have the proportions of a Dr. Seuss drawing made flesh. And it's fucking haunting. You have candy corn dimension.

Right? It only gets worse the less there is. Well, yeah, because you have a 32 waist and then a 46 gut. And then on top, fucking mascot for record store. Yeah. This is our final segment tonight. We're going to bully Kyle into suicide. You look like the Philly fanatic of mansplaining Joy Division trivia.

Does that make sense? It's just that they don't understand it properly, how are they going to get it? I feel you. You guys, we're going to close up the show with a segment. We've only done this live once and last time, it did not go well. But this time, you might go. So don't fuck us on this audience.

Yeah. What is this segment called, Tom? Tom Tomperdy. Yeah. This is like when the band pulls out the song they never play live. Hey, guys, this one's called Monkey Ranch. One, two, three, four. This is our version of Perfect Drug. For those of you who don't know Tom Tomperty,

what Tom Tomperty is is basically it's shepherdy but bad. So let me give you your categories. Halloween movie characters, Halloween costumes, candy, and Tom Hanks. Can we appreciate the fact that the board is not big enough for the game? Yeah. Here's what else I love. I looked at the categories, and it was like Halloween, Halloween, candy, Tom Hanks. I was like, oh, it's a Sly David S. Pumpkins reference.

And Tom goes, what is that? Tom, the only man who missed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He acts and shit. So I'm going to go ahead. Yeah, we don't have buzzers, so we'll just raise our hands. Whoever raises them first, Tom, you're the referee. Wait, we don't yell bear cum?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about bear cum. We'll yell bear cum. That's our buzzer. Yeah, we yell bear cum. Tom, you're the referee. I also want to note that a listener sent us buzzers like a year and a half ago, but we had to put batteries in them, so you guys know what happened there.

We never used the buzzers. They're now in Opie's room. Double A's. They're accessible. Yeah. All right, so I think since Kyle is the guest, Kyle gets to choose first. All right, I'm going to go with characters from Halloween movies for $100. Characters from Halloween movies for 100.

The Hungry Clown. Bearcum. That would be Pennywise the Clown. That is correct. All right, I've just deputized you as scorekeeper because you look like this. Well, no, we're just going to give whoever. Oh, yeah. Oh, there we go.

Oh, shit. Kyle controls the board. All right, Halloween characters 200, please. Swim and Stab. Bearcum. Oh, please. Swim and stab. Bear cum. Oh, fuck. Jason Voorhees. That's the Jason who swims in the camp?

Yes. Yes. That is correct. I mean, if you want to get technical, he was really bad at swimming. He did drown. And that's how the whole thing started. You know what's fucked up? I was going to say the shark from Jaws.

And I feel like I should still get points for that. I had a price check that I cut because we were running long earlier, which was a Jason Voorhees How Much Does It Cost to Bury 151 Dead Teenagers? It's a lot. It's like over a million dollars. 151 dead teenagers.

How do you get into the yearbook? None of them can pay the rent. Keith Carey controls the board. I'll go Halloween costumes for 100. Halloween costumes for 100. Get in my booty. Bear cum. Pirate?

Correct. Fuck. Damn. That's the best isolated quote. Bear cum, pirates? No, it was get in my booty, bear cum, pirates. We're doing like refrigerator magnet poetry. Yeah, yeah.

Halloween costumes too. Okay, get out of my booty. Landlubber? Bear cum. Navyman or sailor? Bearcum? Poop? No, ninja.

Show your work. Opposite of a pirate. Fair. MySpace just won. All right. Keith still controls the board. Let's go Halloween costumes for 300. Okay.

Halloween for three. Oh, I can't actually help you. Oh, Bearcum. Cop. No. Bearcum. Bearcum. Best Buy employee.

No. Bearcum. Nurse. Correct. Oh, damn. That's a little rude to the men and women in the nursing field. They're in costumes. They're not actually nurses.

This has happened to me a bunch. Alright, so first I'm going to call my shot, and then I'm going to say, so I'm going to pick Tom Hanks for 100. One of these is going to end up being Tom Cruise. And he's going to not know. Tom Hanks for 100.

Dog Cop. Bear Cum. Turner and Hooch. Correct. God damn it. Tom Hanks, 200. White Guys Crash Planes. Bear Cumum. Turner and Hooch. Correct. God damn it. Tom Hanks 200. White Guys Crash Planes. Bearcum. Castaway. No. Bearcum. Sully. Correct. Damn it. Why White Guys? What a weird...

Dead So Washington also crashed a plane. That's true. In flight. And people would be confused, of course. Fucking Bearcum for 300. Tom Hanks for 300. Tom Hanks for 300.

Beach Buddies. Bearcum. Castaway? Correct! I thought Plane Crash Guys was Castaway, so I thought we already did it. I got confused. Oh, yeah, Tom Hanks for four did it. I got confused. Oh, yeah. Tom Hanks for four.

Tom Hanks for four. AIDS, friends. Here come Philadelphia. Correct. Man, that's the most mean boys moment of this entire night. If somehow Tom Hanks was also in ISIS, you guys would have to end the show on that. It's like as soon as you said AIDS, the fanny pack started glowing. I have the power.

Somewhere a guy who blacks out improv scenes just had a seizure. All right. Tom Hanks for 500. Tom Hanks for 500. Bearcum, Forrest Gump. Wrong. Oh, damn it. Humans have T-Rex vision.

Wait, what? Fucking. Okay. Black and white. You already guessed. Bear cum. Oh, yeah, fuck me. Catch me if you can?

No. Okay. Repeat it again, please. Does anyone in the audience know this? Humans have T-Rex vision. Oh. Oh, oh. Bear cum T-Rex vision. Oh. Oh, Bear Cum Toy Story. Correct!

Correct! Oh! Yeah, dumb shit! Thank you! You piece of shit! It made a weird sense. Kyle controls the board. Alright, I will go Halloween characters from movies for $300.

I feel like my brain has diarrhea from understanding that. I feel like I have to shit out of my head with rage. Yeah, but you got the AIDS one super fast. Well, I was waiting for it. That was the key word. I knew it. Tom knows four Tom Hanks movies. See, but it's weird because his choice in Tom Hanks movies is odd.

I would never have imagined in my life that Tom has sat and watched the movie Philadelphia. I can't be honest, I haven't, but I know how it ends. He has AIDS. There's a spoiler in the beginning. Do you think that Tom Hanks' Philadelphia ends the way most early Tyler Perry movies end, where it's like, now you have AIDS? I think it ends with him dying of AIDS.

You guys, Easy E is right here. It's a little insensitive. You know what's fun is I couldn't decide if he's in a costume or your fan. What did you say? We picked a Halloween character. Halloween character is 300. Oh, Inception violence.

Oh, Bearcum, Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy Krueger. Correct. I don't know why I pulled it back. See how less excited you all are now? Okay, Kyle. Halloween characters for 400. For 400.

We Three Bitches of Magic. Bearcum, Hocus Pocus. Correct. Damn. Those are not the name of the characters. Yeah, it is. That's what Tom thinks they are. It's the witches from the Hocus Pocus.

Kyle controls the board. Why are you Italian? I would like to clear the category. Characters from Halloween movies for 500, please. Bad movement blob. Bearcum. The blob. No. Oh. Fuck. That seemed like a layup. Bearcum.

The blob-a-duke. Bad movement. No, but quarter credit. I enjoyed that. Bearcum, the Blob-a-Duke? Bad Move... No, but quarter credit. I enjoyed that. Bad Movement what? Blob. Bad Movement Blob. Kyle Clark.

All right. Five, four... I got nothing. Three. Bop-bop. Gumby. It's scary to me. Found it.

That's our daily impossible to read Tom's thoughts. Why did I forget claymation? If you're new to the show, Tom's afraid of claymation. Halloween costumes for 400. Halloween costumes for 400. The casual Klansman. Bear cum. A ghost.

Correct. That's also a magazine that Keith's mom subscribes to. I love that Keith and I are avoiding the candy category because we know that Connor will give up on the game. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, no, I mean, casual Klansman. He's just sitting with a rifle next to a barrel going, come on, fishes, start swimming. That's true. I do have three fat guys in front of me.

I can feel his half erection waiting for that category I'm raging right now This is an embarrassment of riches Well not today motherfucker Halloween costumes for 500 Halloween costumes for 500 I'm always nice but don't have a personality Outside of that

Bear cum, cat That was going to be my guess Shit, bear cum Angel but don't have a personality outside of that. Bearcum. Cat. No. Oh, damn. That was going to be my guess? Damn. Shit. Bearcum. Angel? Nope.

Let's see. Bearcum. Clown? No. Tom Hanks. I don't like him. Man, those 500 categories will get you every time. You got to have a degree in Tom's studies.

Yeah. You do forget sometimes that the game is impossible. The only way to win the game is by not playing. Yeah. Damn it. Candy for a hundred. Candy for a hundred. Feels like Christmas. Rainbow feces.

Bear cum. Ooh, that was. Connor. That was Connor. Skittles. Correct. Candy for 200. The Bitter Children.

Bear cum. Altoids. No. Damn it. Bear cum. Sour Patch Kids? Correct. Oh.

The Bitter Children is what they call this podcast in Germany. Yep. It sounds beautiful with a bunch of K's and ooh-lahs. If the bitter children reach 2,000 francs a month, they will kill themselves to make seven shows. I thought Altoids would be a perfect Tom-Dum-Dum pick for a candy.

I've been eating nothing but Sour Patch Kids for the last three nights in a row. How's that pancreas doing? There's zero fat in Sour Patch Kids. That's why I get high. Scientifically accurate. for the last three nights in a row. How that pancreas doing? There's zero fat in Sour Patch Kids. That's why I mean it. Yeah, yeah. That's why you get high. That seems wrong.

Scientifically accurate. There's no fat. This is all part of the book, Tom, right? How to still be fat after your tummy explodes. By the guy that was on Oprah. It's 22 pages and it's very illustrated. They're going to have to life hack off my foot. It'll be awesome.

I always wanted to be a peg leg. Will I be able to drive? I'm like, Tom, it's four in the morning. Candy for three. Candy for 300. Hey, those aren't my hands. What? Bear cum?

Butterfinger? Correct. Those are your hands. There's nothing better than someone else's fingers. It still makes me happy when Keith, like, uncommonly, bear cum? Somebody recut the home improvement theme where you replace the uh with bear cum? This is the game that made Kyle Kinane full on think I'm retarded. And also the 45 minutes of talking we did

before we played it. Yeah, you guys got to put a helmet on that dude or something. Anyways, Tosh Foyno coming up. So does he have a place to go during the day or what do you do? Do you just kind of... You guys want me to say your guys' names, your hour specials now

so it's not going to happen. Candy for? Candy for 400. Not smart, not smart. Bearcum? Smarties. Bearcum. Dum-dums.

Correct. It was right there. I feel like an idiot. You feel not smart, not smart? All right. Candy for five. Candy for five. Candy for five. Not that expensive.

Bear cum. Necco wafers? No. Bear cum. $100,000 bar. You just said it wrong. Keith, take us home. Bear cum.

$100,000. Yeah! Ah, that's it. Ah. $100,000 bar. Well, I haven't researched this topic As thoroughly as some of my opponents You had your chance to call us fat And then you did pretty well in the round

Should we do the final solution? Hell yeah of course By the way that's not just a rude joke That's what Tom actually thought The end of Jeopardy was called The first time we did this We should have had a song for this segment. I have $2,100.

All right, I have, I got a rock. No, I got $800. Okay. I wager it all. Who cares? Why are we doing quiet math? I wager everything. $19.

Wait, what do you have? $21. Okay, I got $19. I'm going to wager it all. All right, I'm actually going to wager I'll bet 100 You son of a bitch The category is verb This is going to be fucking great for me

Y'all ain't getting this The hint is bad penetration Oh shit You guys got to write down your answers Oh I already know it. Yeah, we always do it. Okay, bad penetration. Fuck.

I'm not happy about this. All right, I got mine written down. This podcast pays my rent. Gentlemen, are we locked in? I'm locked in, yeah. The clue was bad penetration. I'm going to go with rape. Okay.

I chose to not go with that, and so I went with butt stuff. I went stabbing. Butt stuff is not a... Connor's correct. It was stabbing. Oh, suck my dick, everybody. Connor's correct. It was stabbing. Suck my dick, everybody. Wait a minute. Yeah.

Alright, well that was the Mean Boys podcast. Thank you guys for coming out. Fucking. That would have been a good time to clap, I guess. That's it. You guys know we ended the show. On the count of three. Happy Halloween. One, two, three.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Later, everybody. Thank you so much. We got merch in the back.