Mean Boys - EP 165 - The Pedophile Code (feat. Ed Larson)

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Listen to Ed's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-brighter-side/id857097552?mt=2 Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Ed Larson on Twitter: twitter.com/eddietunes_ Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello there, Mean Boys listeners. Thank you for tuning in. Hey, everybody. This week, we have the wonderful Ed Larson joining us in the studio. Yeah, this is a real fun fucking episode. Yeah, we worked with Ed on the Historical Roast show. It's coming out next year. We fell in love with a guy. He came to my bedroom, and we called him fat for like 90 minutes. And boy, are you guys in for a treat. Ed is fantastic. You can follow him online and listen to all his podcasts. The links for those will be in the show notes, as always.

We are getting ready to do Snark Week pretty soon. That's coming up. December 3rd through 9th. God help us all. Snark Week returns. Tweet us any guests you want to come on, anything you want to see or hear. We're going to be playing the Meanopoly game. We've got some other fun stuff planned.

Maybe do something with some of those D&D sheets that people sent us. Let us know what you want to see out of your snark week because you guys paid for it. And, yeah, Keith's mother will be getting interviewed in December. And that episode's coming out Christmas Day. Yeah, and I've vaguely talked to my mom about this. I'm going to work on plans and I'm up there on Thanksgiving visiting her. And we're going to make this thing real.

Yep, and that's going to be pretty fantastic. There's a thread over on the Reddit. Our mean boys, if you'd like to ask any questions for Keith's mom, we'll be pulling all the questions from the Reddit. And if anyone wanted to ask my mom a question that is not related, Dude, you're going to fuck Tom? That would be amazing. Yeah. You know, mix it up.

I think any sort of Tom fuckery or dog bangy has probably been covered by your peers so far. Yeah, it has been extensively canvassed. If you want to ask her if she likes hibiscus or something, there's plenty of other avenues to explore. I like getting hibiscus. My mom sent me one of the best texts ever that I think you guys would enjoy because it's my birthday today. And she always texts me right before my birthday to remind me that I took 36 hours to be born and ruined her life yeah and she's like I gave birth to you with no drugs and that's probably why I did so many later on well I mean the fact that it took 36 hours no wonder she went on to have 10 abortions yeah exactly oh no more of this yeah I

mean after after 136 hours she saved herself 360 hours of shitting out C-minus babies. Yeah. 360 hours. That's like every episode of West Wing. That's nuts. Yeah, you could beat Skyrim. DLC included. So, yeah, that's coming up. And leave us an iTunes review.

In the meantime, just for fun, we'll figure out what the next big goal is. We got to do some brainstorming there. We have some ideas, including but not limiting to getting gay married and then later, shortly after, gay annulled. Gay annulled. The best kind of annulled. It's actually pronounced anal. There it is.

Yeah, the two gay... You hear about that gay couple that got married? They just got an anal. Gay divorce. You know, AIDS. Yeah. So, Sadie Deathflower writes spaceship five stars a spaceship landed on the water don't know you're getting that there but thanks for the review that seems like some tom bullshit yeah uh but yeah fucking sure why not uh the so anyway that's the itunes uh business we are we're going to be uh rescheduling all our tour dates for next spring,

late winter, early spring. So, you know, late February, early March is the time frame we're looking to get back out there on the damn road. Yeah. So go fill out that tour sheet. That is, as always, linked in the show notes of the program or everywhere online near all your Mean Boys-related platforms that you've come to know and love uh

you can pop over on the discord channel moderated by our dear friend alexis uh death to the filth uh you know i think maybe she's promoted some other people to mods you can go talk about they just talk about their day you know it is a shockingly active community and not just like creepy weird shit like there's actually some very thoughtful discussions yeah you guys are just talking about how to drive your truck through the snow or whatever. You know, it's cool. And from my preliminary

scanning, I can't read too much or I get self-conscious, but it doesn't seem like anyone's making bombs yet, so that's great news. Yeah, no Nazis, no weapons.

Yeah, no Nazis, no explosives. That's really the only rules of the Mean Boys fan base. Yeah, no Nazi shit and no buying a lot of fertilizer.

Yeah, no Nazi shit and no violent terrorism. lot of fertilizer yeah no nazi shit and no violent terrorism we're looking at you big meek kidding uh so that's going on um and uh as always follow us on twitter and instagram for uh for more mean boys shit in your life and uh give us a little subscription over on youtube click a few buttons put a smile on our face, legitimize us so that we can do bigger, dumber things. Yeah. And other than that,

I think all you gotta do, oh yeah, by the way, fucking Patreon rewards have been sent. I mailed the patches last week, the stickers.

I've just gotten the email that they are in today so I'm gonna go pick them up, pack those up, and get those sent over to you. So be on the lookout for those. Oh,

and real quick shout out to Dark Homunculus who sent me a birthday card. That was very sweet. It was also a birthday card with a dog on it and had a lot of the kind of puns you'd expect. Oh, wow. So thanks slash fuck you, bro.

What a great guy. Yeah. Keep up the good work, Dark Homunculus. So yeah, and then the $25 boxes are also being made up to send out as soon as possible. And this month, I don't know. We might make lighters. We might make slap bracelets.

I haven't really figured it out yet, but we're working on it. I'm doing some research. And we're getting caught up on everything. Thank you guys for bearing with us. And without any further ado, enjoy this week's episode with the lovely Ed Larson. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Bigfoot if he was on his way to the gym. Nice! Yeah. That really is your vibe, is New Year's resolution Bigfoot. Yeah, it's a bold outfit choice

You look like a 2003 rapper You look like a gigantopithecus That was like I got a Vitamix It's working out great This is why I'm pretending to be on vacation often What is a gigantopithecus You look like you're rewarding yourself with a beach day After murdering your wife

In some part of the eastern block That's still largely unincorporated or regulated by law enforcement. Russia wife murder self. The Russia version of a beach is just you sitting on a dump with an umbrella. The thing is, Adidas track pants and beard and long hair equal

fucking off the books prostitutes beheaded in the trunk. You are running illegitimate donkey fights in a warehouse in the valley somewhere. Oh man, nothing like a good kick to the trunk. Yeah, you were running illegitimate donkey fights in a warehouse in the valley somewhere. Oh, man. Nothing like a good kick to the head. Oh, I'm sorry.

Now I feel... Did we come on a bit strong? Sorry, buddy. No, it's a donkey fight. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, yeah. You look like we did a show to makeshift strip club

in the valley years ago. It's a story we've told a bunch of times, but every guy in there looked like you it was the same aesthetic i do try and like make myself really scary looking so i never have to fight again oh okay that makes sense you're like one of them puffer fishes nobody fucks with me you're because like i could fuck i could i could be doing crossfit and running 440s and just getting yoked or i could just give off that wild card energy that says this guy keeps a tire iron duct taped to his shin underneath his pant legs.

I do cover my house in weapons. And for the listening audience. Is that a safety thing? A man-child thing? Or just a matter of convenience? It feels good. I got this kitty clumper I got when I was in Africa. I'm sorry, a what?

A kitty clumper. It's a Zulu hunting stick I'm sorry, a what? A kitty clumper. It's a Zulu hunting stick. It's made out of pure ebony, and it's got a ball on the end of it. And it's not used to pick up poop? A kitty clumper sounds like it's a baseball bat with a nail through it that you use to kill cats in the neighborhood. Kind of like that. It's got a ball. Kitty clumper.

No, kitty clumper's an autistic bond girl. Hi, I'm kitty clumper. Chocolate milk. Shook up, not normal. Bosco, not oval thing. You want a bang now, Mr. Spy? So you have a Kitty Clumper. It's a big ebony, like, fuck you up, like, stick. It's got a little ball on the end of it with a spike on the end of the ball,

and it's made with, like, a lion's chasing you down. You just slap it in the temple, and it dies. You know that day-to-day problem. Good thing you have one of those. I mean, like, if I saw a shoehorn in someone's house, I'd be like, where do you get off? But a kitty clumper, you're like, well, if I'm headed to

the Rock and Roll Ralphs, and all of a sudden, the ocelot starts to attack me. That's a pretty optimistic sales pitch for the kitty clumper. A fucking lion's coming at you. Don't worry, bro. You hit him one time in the head, he's done. Like, no. Here's what happens.

You swing that thing. You thunk it against the lion. He's like, oh, now I'm going to murder you twice. Now the lion is pissed. Yeah. Absolutely. No, you got to be strong. Well, this is what we discovered.

Ed worked with us. We worked with Ed, rather, on the fucking historical roast show that's coming out on Netflix next year. And something would happen to Ed around midnight where all inhibitions would just be dissolved. And you would just get the fuck out of their attitude. Exactly, yeah. But every pitch got insane and brilliant. You would just pitch from that pure Egyptian part of your soul that they thought left your body at night. There was a very deep African purity to what you were saying.

Yeah. And you fucking said, and I quote a few days ago, oh, yeah, you can hit a goat with a hammer. We're just talking about goats eating trash. It was for a joke we were working on. It's like, yeah, everyone knows goats eat trash. He goes, oh, yeah, you can hit a goat with a hammer. And you said it with the confidence of a man who has tested this theory. You're like, I can use this to clump goats as well.

The backstory I had for this is that the one I created in my mind is that you went to stay at your grandfather's farm as a boy, and you got a little rambunctious and accidentally hurt one of the goats, but you were like seven, and they didn't want to make you feel bad. you're like oh don't do it again but it's fine i mean it's like oh you can go aggressively dead yeah and they're just twitching for some reason in my head ed is seven years old but still looks exactly the same as he looks now but wearing seven-year-old size clothes just a shirt up to your nipples a hat with a propeller on it yeah just like a bloody hammer in your hand. Like you resized a photo of him and just made him short and tiny.

So he's got the same dimensions, but he's just wearing you know, like kid clothes. I really would be terrifying if I got on a public bus with a hat with a propeller on it. It would be. You're just like staring into the eyes of one person on the bus and you just keep flicking the propeller. That's the new viral video.

Eight hours of walking as a whimsical Hagrid in Los Angeles. Dear God, it's Tweedledoom. Oh my God, where did he get those parachute pants? This guy's a menace. Hey, anyone selling a bag of glass? You're just

very loudly trying to buy meth. Oh, not meth, just loose glass. I loudly trying to buy meth oh not not meth just loose glass i'm trying to i'm trying to give myself kung fu training and make my feet strong so i can kick through boards jesus christ that is how it goes yeah this is also a self-taught karate kind of a look a little bit this is some guy who's like well i I feel like you can master the crane kick just through YouTube videos exclusively. I've been watching a lot of Russian videos, like now this in Russia. And this is how they dress. I think I get most of my style from that.

Just because, like, exactly what you said. Just don't fuck with me attitude. But, like, I'm also extremely comfortable at all times. I'm very jealous. I wish I had the confidence to pull off this way. The I'm also extremely comfortable at all times. I'm very jealous. I wish I had the confidence to pull off this way. The thing is, you don't look bad. You have this kind of pragmatic gutter swag that permeates your whole essence.

You look wise and violent. If you spend a lot of money on one article of clothing, the rest of it can be trash. Yeah. That makes a ton of sense. You just look like a guy that hangs out in the corner of a very sketchy nightclub and can help you with a very specific, very dangerous problem. Yeah.

You're the line of defense when the bouncer fails. Exactly. You're like, oh, you need to have her fingerprints removed without her knowing? Well. Talk to lie gloves Eddie. Try chewing them off? It's like a little piece of jerky ain't nothing you just nibble the finger during sex you get carried away you only got to pull that off 10 more times bada bing bada boom you black bag and take her to the red room over in a fucking ukraine

man i used to run a show in coney island and those fuckers were scary oh i believe it yeah i had a freak show uh that i used to do i imagine coney island is those fuckers were scary oh i believe it yeah i had a freak show uh that i used to do i imagine coney island is just the dark carnival the juggalos have been describing but you know like mixed with a bruce brinkstein song yeah yeah it's a bizarre place i went there uh a couple times ago when i was in new york with my uh my girlfriend at the time and we were like oh it'll be fun and it was like october so it was like not coney island ass season and we get there and it is just this like shuttered amusement park. And then just like, yeah, just a million dudes in tracksuits just looking terrified.

Did you see the. Well, no, Ed looks like he lives on Coney Island, but it's the child soldier guy. Not. Not. Not. Not the. Not the funnel cake island. The Coney Island.

AK-47. Yeah. The AK-47 in grass. We also have a hot dog eating contest. Whoever kills the most white men gets a hot dog. Second prize is you're fired. Kill, kill, kill. Gwen Gary, Gwen Coney.

KKK. We need to rethink the anagram I drove here in a Hummer Levine Why did you guys even invite me over? Sorry No, no, I enjoyed it No, this is great Anyway, you worked at a freak show in Coney Island I can't believe we just glossed over that We glossed over the best sentence that's ever been said in this house

Like it wasn't a work of art No, no, no, I mean, Joseph Coney jokes are always okay in my book. Oh, good. But no, I used to run a show with Ben Kissel there over the summer. It's called the Dog Shit Circus. Of course it is. It's also Ed's favorite cocktail and sex position. Make me a dog shit circus so I can go home and give my old lady the old dog shit circus

I gotta wrap it up quick I'm hosting dog shit circus tonight And then for breakfast I'm gonna have a dog shit circus When you say a freak show Is it like an actual freak show? A dog shit circus is a waffle with Nutella on it That you eat in the nude What it was was

We had this regular show called Dog Shit Me and Kissel. Okay. And during the summer, we'd bring it to Coney Island, and then we'd hire some of the freaks to come perform. And then we'd bring in stand-ups like Mark Norman and Kurt Braunohler and all those gurus. Yeah, yeah. And we'd always close it out. That's fucking awesome.

It was fucking awesome. It was so much fun every time. Angelica Insectivora, she was gorgeous. Like the hottest freak you ever saw. But half her face was covered in tattoos and she had dreadlocks and she just swallowed swords and breathed fire. She was just smoking hot.

How are you not married to this woman? How did you book a weird Dark Souls mini-boss? You know what I mean? Like, damn, that's the number one henchman of the evil night. They also had a 300-pound snake woman that would just play with a giant snake. Her name was Serpentina. Okay, I was picturing a lady with no arms. That was really long.

Just kind of rolling. I was picturing some kind of Jabba the Hutt-type broad. I like the idea that she, in her head, she was like, all right, I'm going to become the fattest woman, and that's my ticket to the freak she like in her head she was like alright I'm gonna become the fattest woman and that's my ticket to the freak show. Got halfway there and was like

I'm just gonna buy a snake. And then it's like why didn't I buy the snake when I weighed 180? Yeah my fucking knees are killing me. Would've made the snake look bigger.

Hey you think the tits will give you back problems? Try an anaconda buddy. Alright? There's no bra for snakes. I've looked. Man, we did a show in Indiana earlier this year, and one of the guys, it was like this weird comedy festival thing, and it was like, I think Connor was headlining, I was like

featuring. And then the guy up before us was like a free, he was like one of those nail- Pinheads. Pinheads, is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. The nail to your nose or whatever. Any of us can do it, by the way. Yeah, it seems like a thing where-

We all have the cavities., it seems like a thing. We all have the cavities. That's always been my thing. I'm like... This is Ed trying to convince me to smuggle. You got the holes. You're trying to get me to smuggle black market Adderall in my ass to your fucking palace. Here's what I've always thought is weird about that skill.

How do you practice? You can do that wrong once, and then you're dead. It's terrifying. Yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah. It's terrifying. That was all the freak shit. It's just like you. How many things do you got to find out you're bad at before you're like, I'm going to be the nail guy?

Oh, yeah, yeah. People just, like, do the meat hook suspensions. Oh, those are rad, though. That's fucking terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One wrong move, and your life is different. Yeah, it's just like, oh, no, my shoulder is still hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, man. The fucking, I don't know. I don't's like, oh no, my shoulder is still hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, man.

The fucking, I don't know. I don't get it, but God bless you, I guess. I love them. I get along with that kind of person. Yeah, exactly. Bring everyone to the party. Oh, absolutely. No, I love people who do that insane shit. It just freaks me out. I always felt like anyone who lives on the fringe of

society tends to resonate with us. That's what I mean. What were you saying about roast battle? I was saying roast battle needs freaks. I always felt like instead of all those five-minute stand-ups before the show, I know everyone gets time, and it's nice. Oh, I don't. So fuck them.

Yeah, I'm not getting booked. You put a pinhead in that room? Oh, yeah. It would go nuts. Well, that's the thing. We had to- All right, guys. Before Eric Marino comes back up, this bitch is going to set itself on fire.

Enjoy. Hey, Coach T, play, I don't know, back up, this bitch going to set itself on fire. Enjoy. Hey, Coach T, play, I don't know, that fucking Big Sean song called Fire or something. You'll figure it out. Well, we had the pinhead guy on our show in Indiana, and it was like the sports bar, like relatively packed up. And it's so funny to watch a freak bomb. Oh, yeah. You know, they'll have to, like, patter before they do the fucked up thing. Because, really, the act is 30 seconds long.

Exactly. But he nails the fucking thing into his head and doesn't even get, like, a polite applause. Everyone's just like, all right. Who cares? Yeah, where my jalapeno poppers? That's it. To set the stage for you, Edward, we're basically in, like, an Irish Buffalo Wild Wings that is attached to a minor league baseball stadium. Oh, that sounds fun.

While a game is going on. It sure wasn't. And nobody gave a shit that this guy had nails in his face. Why did they book you? It doesn't make any sense. I don't know. They paid us way too much money, and we did a live Mean Boys there,

broad daylight with that happening, and we are getting electrocuted on stage by a transgender dominatrix, and everybody there is just like, all right, so can they put the game on the TV? I'm guessing the dominatrix was local. Yeah. We didn't ship her in.

We're like, all right, get in the box. Well, here's the problem with us. Well, we'll never succeed is the whole time we're just going, I don't understand how they're not loving this. I was like, this is the best show I've ever seen in my life. We went to the Jesus-iest part of middle America and got shocked in the nipples. Clearly, you people are wrong. Yeah, yeah. I love that shit in the middle.

It matches they pretend they don't. They love that shit. Oh, it just goes underground and it ferments. That's all that happens. Everywhere else was great about it. It was just Indiana sucks. I was at Plymouth, Wisconsin, and I accidentally walked into a gay bar because it was the only bar open at 1 p.m. Right.

And it was just like, they were having so much fun. Yeah. You know, everyone's just sitting there yelling at sports, fucking playing checkers with each other. Just like having a blast. It sounds like you just wandered into the bar that the dudes from the Muppets drink at. You know, just old man games. I have a theory about, like, small town, like, middle American gay bars.

I think here, because I don't like gay bars in California, really, because they just feel like other shitty bars. I think it's because you're allowed to just be as gay as you want all the time here. But when you're somewhere like Wisconsin, where you have to, like, really combine all your gayness into one corral,

like a gayness petting zoo, I think it just gets way more fun. Yeah, out of, like, 40 people in the room, there's only, like, three smiles. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If you've got to, like, get all a gayness petting zoo i think it just gets way more fun yeah out of like 40 people in the room there's only like three smiles yeah exactly yeah if you gotta like get all your gayness out of your system the pressure's gonna mount and it's just gonna erupt the gay purge yeah exactly if you just release your gayness like steadily and openly throughout the course of a week i mean you're gonna have a pretty mild-mannered evening out at the bar we're talking about gayness like it's a fart and you're trying not to ruin a room. That's not how it works?

Yeah, you really want to just crop those to hallway with homosexuality. Oh yeah, just when you skip on your way back from the bathroom. Oh, fuck. Have you ever skip farted? No. I cough farted yesterday at Disney. It was great. Oh, nice.

Yeah, right in line too. Did everybody notice? Little kid and shit. Fuck those. I love it. Wait, did you say you cough farted? Yeah, Oh, nice. Yeah, right in line to a little kid and shit. Fuck those. I love it. Wait, did you see you cough farted? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the worst because it always comes out too hard and it feels like a shotgun in your ass.

It wasn't supposed to happen. The little kids just think that you're like a weird mascot from a movie they haven't seen and they're like, can I take a picture with him? Yeah, what happened to Winnie the Pooh? I can see him being sixth lead on Wreck-It Ralph. I don't know. I didn't watch the movie that carefully. I'm nine. I went on Splash Mountain by myself. I can see him being sixth lead on Wreck-It Ralph. I don't know. I didn't watch the movie that carefully. I'm nine.

I went on Splash Mountain by myself. I felt like I was mentally challenged. It was like me and two little girls. Oh, God. They took the picture going down. I'm behind them. I'm like, this is terrifying. I was about to say, you've got to get that picture.

That's the most upsetting thing I've ever heard of. I just love the idea of parents watching just you get on a log with their children. They're just like, well, Jesus, take the wheel. I'll get them back in one piece. You come back in an empty log with no answers. In about four minutes, we're going to find out if we have to spend tens of thousands of dollars on therapy. Sorry, I blacked out. I doned out.

I don't know. The last thing I remember was the owl was telling me to keep my hands inside the log. I woke up and everything was red and all of it hurt. I'm sorry. I thought this was the hog ride. I completely understand why you're so upset with me. Oh, man. I think we're all fired up. Should we get into the joke off? Yeah, let's do it.

Hi, so topical. Yeah, this is the whole podcast, Ed. Great. This is what I'm used to. I'll kick it off this week. Oh, please. Researchers are claiming that driverless automobiles will lead to more people having sex in their cars. The study was published by J.D. Plower and Associates.

J.D. Plower. Iates. J.D. Plower. I like it. I got something on the same level. That would be weird fucking on, like, a freeway. That'd be like fucking on a boat. Because, I mean, what if it stopped short, you know? Someone cuts you off and, you know, you fucking accidentally, like, tear through a vaginal wall because of the centrifugal force.

I got jerked. I made out in a stationary car for the first time in a long time the other night, and I was just like, This is overrated Like this I hate cars I got jerked off On a freeway By the girl who was driving once

That was fun Oh yeah That's nice Yeah Except I came in my pants And then we had to stop At a jack in the box So I could throw my underwear away

I got road head like once And I was like This is the worst Like I can't I'm like We're gonna die Well you're already bad at driving I'm pretty good at driving You're the worst driver I'm pretty bad we're going to die. Well, you're already bad at driving. I'm pretty good at driving.

You're the worst driver. I'm pretty bad at getting my dick sucked. The main problem. He just starts screaming, yeah. It's like how Native Americans think a photograph will steal their soul. That's what you think a blowjob does. Away from me, voodoo priest. It just makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time.

So I'm just feeling guilty while I'm just trying not to kill people under 15 and I was like yeah let's just table this discussion that was when I realized I needed to grow up the other night Ed is when I was jaywalking in San Diego wearing Yeezys with a boner and I'm like you know what this is

that is time to grow up maybe it's time to close this chapter of my life to some degree. Go to the bathroom behind a dump and, you know, take care of it. Yeah. I have cranked one out outside an abandoned fire station while I was on the road before. Ed, what's the weirdest place you've jerked off? That's a pretty infamous story from the Mean Boys canon.

All right. So on this topic, someone from Roundtable from years it i mean all right so on this topic someone from roundtable from years back talked about jerking off on the my old podcast roundtable gentleman yeah uh someone talked about his name is malachi i probably shouldn't say his name but i guess he already got fired so it doesn't matter talked about how he got he was jerked off at work once and he got a job at a school as a teacher and and he was doing a great job. And one of the parents was a Roundtable fan. Oh, no. And then heard that he jerked off and told the administrator he got fucking fired.

Whoa. When he jerked off at that school? No. Did he get jerked? Did he jerk off at a job when he was, like, a teenager? Well, that sucks that they fired him. I know. Yeah, and they fired his ass.

I don't know what Latin phrase describes how that violates his rights, but I know there is one. Yeah. You know, the one that says you canates his rights, but I know there is one. Yeah. You know, the one that says you can't prosecute something about it. It happened in the no takes. He's back. He's a fucking major. Yeah. Speaking of Majora.

Yeah. It's all out there forever. It's so crazy. I couldn't believe it. Lord knows what I've said. Yeah. Here's what I'm trying to do. I seriously think I have this conversation with myself sometimes where I'm like, if I

just make it so it's impossible for me to get a real job by my public actions, I'll be more motivated to be a good comedian. Well, congrats. I think you already did that. Like, I'm already naked on Comedy Central's YouTube page. Within five episodes of this podcast, we had pretty much scorched the earth on ever getting like a grown-up job again. Yeah, so I'm like, well, I'll just have to keep figuring it out.

And at some point, if I have to become more racist, that's just how podcasting works. It's his fault for trying to become a fucking teacher. They break you. You fucking loser. They're trying to shape the minds of the future. Yeah, they break you down until you become a Pepe guy, and then you get rich, and then you have some sort of weird Bitcoin scam, and people leak DMs of your penis. This is the arc of a podcaster's life. Indeed, and I have your penis pictures if anybody wants them.

Oh, yeah. Well, they're just the live ones. Yeah. The worst your dick has ever looked. Yeah, that's true. Well, at least everybody saw it, so it's not like there's, you know. Yeah, it's a good point. And you can be like, well, that's definitely not his dick.

It's maximum potential. So I can do some arguing from that place. Right. Yeah, I can pull some arguing from that place. Right. Yeah, I can pull some Johnny... Do a little Johnny Cock ring. All right, you got one? Yeah, I do, I do, I do. All right, so you guys know about the migrant caravan, right? Oh, yeah.

Soldiers were deployed to the border to greet the caravan of immigrants looking for a better life. For their sakes, I hope it's a Dodge caravan of immigrants looking for a better life. For their sakes, I hope it's a Dodge caravan. Oh, I didn't know we were doing bad jokes. This is about to be a great episode. I got a couple. What do you think the show is? Yeah, the wildfires raging in California are the size of 16 Manhattans.

To put that in perspective, 16 Manhattans is all I need to ruin the Tupperware party. You've always been a bitch, Karen. Press and seal my ass. Drunk housewife Connor is my new favorite thing. That's all I want, dude. I want to just be a domesticated bride of a rich woman, and I'll just put Tudor around all day and be like, I changed the drapes. Did you notice? No. Oh, man. A man is dead

after choking during a croissant eating contest. So move over, AIDS. There's a new gayest way to die in town. Eating a bunch of kind of good pastries really quick. Yeah. They're made of flakes. Yeah, you might as well just be eating glass that's a circus freak a guy who can eat two croissants in a row i'll throw five bucks at

you for doing that you're fucking weirdo did he get down on did you read the whole article i didn't i they also led with the fact that he was like a marine veteran oh and i'm like what a shitty thing to rob in yeah yeah hell week and theALs really prepared me to eat those croissants real quick. Fucking Al-Qaeda couldn't take them down, but Dunkin' Donuts handled it. That's really how Pat Tillman got it. All right. Should we go entertainment news, more politics, or sadness? Let's go entertainment.

Yeah, whatever you're feeling, man. Entertainment news. All right. Roy Clark, rest in peace, of Hee Haw fame, died yesterday at 85. His last words were, I'm going to suck my own dick if it kills me. Hee Haw indeed. Oh, God. I don't know if you guys saw this, but the Bat Kid who went viral after he saved San Francisco is now five years cancer free.

The lesser known neuroblastoma spider kid is still dead from his 12 story fall under the pavement. Just swing. Why did we think this would work? Well, my thing about the Bat Kid is I got to feel like everyone's mad at him for a living. So they're like, so he's going to pay us back for that whole... That was like thousands of dollars in fucking roads. You think they're mad at him? I don't know, man.

It's not an investment in death. You know what? I would be so bummed out if I was that kid because I'd be like, now I have to do something with my life. Yeah, you definitely have to go to college if you were Bat-Kid. Or at least write a Batman story or something. Give him a comic. This kid, though.

Speaking of death and superheroes, Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee has died. Great, another idea he stole from Jack Kirby. Wow, someone's really trying to go after the Mike Lawrence vote. Well, actually, they shared credit, but he was not vocal in the press. Much like John and Paul, they collaborated at times, but they're mostly just co-workers. This is our Mike Lawrence impression.

Connor described it as like a fat kid with a good idea. Yeah, yeah. You twiddle your hands excitedly like some sort of gummy rancher Mr. Burns. There's no law that says you cannot dip a Pop-Tart in the cake frost. We call that a Marvel speedball. Well, the book was better than the book. I forgot about this.

The ultimate Mike Warren slur. Yeah, buddy. He was also a bisexual comedian for a very long time mike yeah when he was first but he got over it and i'm very proud of him he got married he got married yeah and that cured it i cured i think that cured it i think he was i think he's just very confused with his own life when he first started doing stand-up yeah i talked to him about it once and i don't want to talk too much about his shit but he was i was like are you bi he's like i don't know i mean i sucked a dick he kind of described it like i asked him how like bohemian r you bi? He's like, I don't know. I mean, I suck the dick.

He kind of described it like I asked him how Bohemian Rhapsody was. He's like, it's fine. That's funny. I wouldn't buy it, but. Mike's wife is lovely. I've talked to her a few times about him. When she talks about him, it's sort of like she's describing caring for an exotic bird she owns. And she's just like, well, I think he's upset about his set.

And I was like, why? And she's like, I just texted him. And I won't even say what he texted. It was just funny. Watching Mike and Dave. They have a very cute relationship. It's always funny watching someone so in. I get this with probably how people feel when they see me date. It's like someone who's so callous and inhuman.

All of a sudden, just like, I got you some Sherry's berries. And I've arranged them into the shape of a Green Lantern ring. I went to dog sit for Mike once. And he was getting ready to go out. I got you some Sherry's berries, and I've arranged them into the shape of a Green Lantern ring. I went to dog sit for Mike once, and he was getting ready to go out. It was Valentine's Day. He was going out with his wife or whatever, and he's wearing a nice sweater. It's the first time I've ever seen him without his ass crack out. And he just has this look of a domesticated Frankenstein.

Oh, I guess my life is good. I will not burn this. Yeah, when he was buying the tickets for Justice League, and it was like no belt, like pants sagging, just like gunned out, ass crack out. He had more money than we've ever had and also looked worse. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could have just gone shoelaces and fucking burlap at that point. It was just...

He is true to his form. Yeah. All right, you're up. All right, you're up, boy. I'm up, I'm up. Hold form. Yeah. All right, you're up. All right, you're up, Corey. I'm up, I'm up. Hold on one second. All right, we'll stay in the entertainment world here. Mark David Chapman up for parole again.

Entertainment, yes. A guy who really liked a movie is entertainment news. Mark David Chapman up for parole said he used hollow point bullets when he shot Lennon because he didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want to get him hurt. He just wanted him to die. You know what, Mark? I never saw it that way.

We forgive you. That was quite the gesture, Mr. Chapman. Man, when we were in New York, we went by the Dakota. Yeah, we were like, oh, we'll go check that out. And man, do they have security out there. Man, do they not play anyone's bullshit.

Oh, yeah. 40 years later. We literally, we stood there for like four seconds with a camera trying to make a funny video, like talking about where we were. And they just came in there like, absolutely fuck off. I'm like, what? I'm just disrespecting a beloved dead man yeah what's the problem kill him come on be cool we all know it

was ringo the mk ultra some fat guy can you believe that he's still getting parole opportunities though yeah i mean that is funny dana gould had a funny bit about you think the night before he goes up for parole charles manon's like, hey, Charlie Manson, nice to meet you. He's all practicing in his cell. Yeah, I know. What does that meeting even look like? Where's Mark David Chapman?

He's like, yeah, I know. Goodbye. And they're just like, hey, Mark, still painting those creepy drawings of kids dressed like clowns? He's like, sure am. And they're like, all right, see you in 10 years. Cut to he walks in one day and the parole board

is just the Rolling Stones and he's like, finally, I got a shot. Mick Jagger is serving. He gets pulled to be his local parole advisor. All right, your work, mate. All right.

Solid. Guys, I don't know if you saw Hasbro's under fire for what many are calling an insensitive new edition of their popular game Millennial Monopoly.

The game features the controversial community chess card. Hooray, your grandma's dead, so you can sell her old dresses to folk musicians on Poshmark. You can play as a hashtag and a crying emoji. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah, it's very offensive. I hope everything just cost way more

than it cost in the original version, but you still get the normal amount of money to start with. Were we this meta about the generational gaps in the old times? Was it just like, whoa, check out the new Baby Boomer Pyrex cooking set? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Pepsi got on Generation Next after Generation X. Was that a thing? That was definitely a thing.

I didn't know that. Yeah, Generation X, the second that was was coined It felt like every company was like Daddy wants a piece of that Millennials is much worse than Generation X As a term Because the entire conceit of the public conversation Is you're lazy and retarded And you work for an app because you're dumb

And not because the world is There's nothing for you Because we automated the world and didn't take care of anyone in it. Yeah. Generation X was just like skateboards and you said dude too much. Well, yeah, no. And now the whole making fun of millennial thing

is like, look at this idiot who can't grow anything and the earth we salted. Well, yeah, suck my dick, I have a podcast. It's one of four jobs that don't actively kill babies. Kick a rock. We may talk about it constantly.

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, a Catholic priest is under fire for comparing sex to pizza, particularly since he said the best place to get both is Chuck E. Cheese. Hey. I did a Pizzagate episode for Conspiracy of the Show the other day with Adam. Walnuts, that was code for black kids, apparently, according to their little dictionary. And maps meant semen. What? Maps?

I don't know why maps would be semen. Because there's a lot of, I guess, water on a map? I didn't think of that. I'm thinking of like the subway map with all the weird errant lines. And I'm like, okay, yeah, like a load could look like that. Yeah, sure. It was very strange.

Cheese was little girls. Feels like cheese should have been semen. Yeah, there's a lot of oversight in the pedophile code. I didn't write it, thankfully. I would have punched it up for $200. Yeah, I'm doing some freelance work. Yeah, they're trying to come up with this little wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kid fucking logistical speak just for emails in case they get leaked. So I'm working on that.

And then I got a commercial audition. I was doing mics. I have another podcast. I do the brighter side. And what we do is we try to find the brighter side of everything. And I had this one time, like, all right, I got to figure out, because I'm real big into prison justice, like, in the justice reform and all that shit. I think you meant prison justice, like killing somebody with a screwdriver because they betrayed the Aryan Brotherhood. I'm not a post.

Whoever's the best at sharpening toothbrushes can rule the block. Yeah. So basically, if you want to, like, send someone to jail and they should come out rehabilitated, then we should look at everything. So I was like, well, what about child molesters? You can't kill them. So what's going on? Can't kill them, can't eat them.

I'm out of ideas. Yeah. So I found this child molester online, and there was a child molesting support group for a bunch of child molesters, and I interviewed them. Oh, I've been talking about doing this for a long time. How'd it go? It was very interesting. I will not release it, just because I didn't. It was very intense.

This is just in the Ed's black file? I do keep it on my computer. That's kind of it. I want to hear this i'll let you i'll send it to you i won't put it anywhere but yeah you heard the larson tapes when he starts talking about putting those uh starbursts on the end of a fishing pole it's creepy but what it is they get together like once a week and they talk about their want to fuck kids so they don't do it yeah and the guy who does it who holds it, it sounds like a decent idea.

I mean, yeah. I've seen these. There's non-acting pedophile forums, and it's a real head-scratcher because you look at it and you go, okay, well, I guess the alternative is fucking kids, and maybe this helps. Yeah.

So, all right? Or is this just just yeah the where you draw the line on that is so fucking weird though louis theroux documentary about pedophiles where there's they basically just put them in this weird like fucking like country club warehouse kind of a thing where they just and like they they have a like a program that you can try to complete to try to find housing and stuff and they put you away from kids and all this shit, but it's very hard to get out, and most of them are just like, yeah, I'm stuck here forever. I just play ping pong with the other pedophiles and read National Geographic. That's what most of them seem to do.

That's about all you can do. I know. Well, he has to read National Geographic. They stopped making Disney Adventure. There's these guys, these paintings of nine-year-old ballerinas. He's like, I didn't even realize these could be seen as erotic. And he's just like popping his boy pussy in a fucking onesie.

Just like, I'm so good at dancing. And he's like, what? I love ballet. And I'm like, oh, do you? Oh, no. Do you, blonde mustache man? Do you love ballet so much? The dude I interviewed, I think his name was Nickerson, which is weird. It's his last name, but he had a hook for a hand.

On top of being like... Wait, what, did one of the kids get bitey? I like that Ed won't release this, but he just gave a description of a guy of which there's only one in the world. Dude's name Nickerson with a hook hand. There's at most seven of those.

And they're all going, God damn it. I'm not releasing it. Not for him. I could give a fuck about his life. I'm worried about people thinking I'm a pedophile. Well, this should clear up. You know we're releasing this, right? This is fine.

You know, this is all right. I'm obviously against it. Ed, I notice you've been just petting a Barbiebie the entire time you've been here we get the juicy scoops on the podcast as you come over and you see my room and you go no one listens to this shit and then you realize like it actually is somewhat popular with the people that enjoy it you're like whoa they've people heard that a hook-handed man named nickerson yeah hook-handed pedophile i mean that's got to be hard as a pedophile because you're always popping the balloons you're using as bait. I mean, kids like pirates.

That's a good point. Which they shouldn't. No, I mean, clearly. They don't have plundering. Did you go yet? Is it my turn? It's Ed's turn. It's my turn? It's Ed's turn.

All right, okay. One out of ten... Oh, speaking of, you know, little kids. One out of ten people that work at Disneyland are homeless. What I want to know is, when in the history of time did people who work outside of a castle were not mostly homeless? This seems like an achievement. Shit.

Wow. That's so good. That's also so true. I worked at Disneyland for five years. That's one of the best feudalism jokes that's ever happened on the podcast. Yeah, and fucking I knew a couple people who were literally living in their car in the employee parking lot. Oh, man. Because it was open 24 hours because they have a night shift and stuff.

So, yeah, they would just kind of like go shower at the gym. They would come sleep in K-Lot. We've got to talk. I'm going to record what Nicole was talking about. I was just talking to her last night about it. Yeah. I didn't know you worked there, too. I did, yeah.

What did you do? I worked attractions at California Adventure, and I worked at a restaurant in Disneyland proper. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, if you're free and want to come by, you're more than welcome to. Yeah, fuck it. Hell yeah. That sounds great.

Hell yeah. Backroom show business deal. Well, you want to talk about pissing in Gatorade bottles next to the mouse? Oh, man. Let's get these mics hot. Some of the shit I've gotten up to at Disneyland. I have railed Oxycontins on the Disneyland Railroad. That is a real thing.

I fucking, me and my buddy did a line while we were going through the dinosaur tunnel, and then we went and clocked in. I had one of the most hurtful experiences of my life at the train at Knott's Berry Farm where they have the fake robbers come on. It's me and my three buddies, and it's our little graduation present. We always like going to Knott's. We all went to Knott's Berry Farm where they have the fake robbers come on. It's me and my three buddies and it's our little graduation present. We always like going to Knott's. We all went to Knott's when we were 18. This guy gets on and he looks at us and he goes,

three guys, no girls, you guys don't have any money. And he just keeps walking. I was like, what the... You got dunked on by an old timey burglar. I got owned by a fucking novelty reenactor. What? You got owned by the day shift best actor in Buena Park.

Yeah. Fucking sucks. All right, guys. Iran has executed two men for hoarding over two tons of gold coins. Sonic, Mahmood, all hedgehog, and Knuckles Hamed were hanged in a public square for their offense. I genuinely thought it was going to be the same joke, but a Scrooge McDuck situation. No, yeah, it's just Sonic, Muck, Mood, all the hedgehogs.

Michael Lawrence kicks down the door. Well, technically, Sonic had rings and not coins, so your premise is invalid. Have you ever done the thing where you Google your name and then the hedgehog, and someone has created a whole elaborate backstory for a hedgehog named Keith that's friends with Sonic somehow? Oh, no.

Yeah, there's a lot of that. It's kind of a bummer. I think Connor the Hedgehog is like a gay one, which is kind of funny. I did some research on this. Well, there's lots of hedgehog porn. Well, the Sonic the Hedgehog expanded universe is somehow both very gay and very Christian and Mormon somehow. That makes sense.

I forget what it is, but there's some weird entanglement where the Mormon community really loves Sonic the Hedgehog. Okay, Mormon community really loves Sonic the Hedgehog. Okay, yeah. Here's Connor the Hedgehog. Wow, he's an edgy guy. Oh, man. Relationships. None as of now.

I'm on the Sonic fan chara wiki, which whatever godforsaken place that is. I would rather be dead than know any of the information I'm getting looking at your computer. Connor's more of a cocky person when fighting, but when needed, he's very polite and kind of a ladies' man. That's kind of accurate. That doesn't sound... This hedgehog... This hedgehog fucks. Okay, I like this guy.

He's known for his speed, he's more distant, and not very friendly. This is actually a shockingly accurate assessment of you. He has a podcast called... Oh, wait a minute, you guys. How did you know? He has very bad anger issues, which can be good or bad for him, depending on his opponent. Ooh. What does that mean, you fucking assholes?

All right, I got my last one here. A man is being sued by his ex-girlfriend for, quote, stretching her vagina with his giant penis. The man plans to respond to the lawsuit as soon as he's done framing his court summons and hanging it over the fireplace. Yeah, that would be awesome. See that? Yeah. Is there some kind of certificate? You do a benefit

show for the troops? Nah. Read on, my friend. Fucking poor girl never sat down again. My dog is criminally large. Looks like a tent without the poles? Well, speaking of the poles. All right, there's a recount going on in Florida. They would have been done already, but all the pens are filled with barbecue sauce and someone sucked on 4,000 pounds.

That's the best thing. I want to say a barbecue sauce pen. That's also what you vape out of, a barbecue sauce pen. Oh, yeah, mesquite. Ribs. Of all the shitty things people have said about the house when they've come in, Ed had the best one. We were walking over here.

I was like, welcome to our terrible house. He's like, no, it's good. It reminds me of Tallahassee. The stripper you met that died of opium? Tallahassee. All right. Guys, the company behind Oreo cookies is under fire from Greenpeace for its deforestation practices that are destroying the habitats of orangutans.

This explains the company's new slogan, orangutans, milk's least favorite monkey. They're the enemy of milk. It'll be eradicated if you need some palm oil to make some treats. Double stuff, triple stuff, no monkey stuff. Jesus fucking Christ. Man, I was just it's funny

because you pull up the reddit news wall to fucking write your jokes for this and you're like oh cool cookies are killing monkeys I enjoyed my one

brief respite from this terrible waking nightmare and now a thousand apes are dead I was talking to a girl about how like I missed

the Obama administration for like just where one week the story of the week would be a girl that goes to Duke is doing porn and we'd be like whoa what does that mean there's no time for fun ones anymore it's just like yeah i fired the other guy and now it's whatever i'm like oh well do it just can someone that you know that have cancer be a superhero

again like what happened to that that was fun we did stop that i think he did that is the one thing that kid did kill was to make a wish yeah that was the last wish he kind of uh yeah you can't you kind of can't top it you know so i mean and now if you do one it'd be like oh great yeah he's kind of the hulk because you made a really light you know plastic car for him to throw at his dad yeah fuck you it's gonna be sad when he's batman like in a wheelchair oh so he's batgirl at that point when he's just batman that's skinny and has erectile dysfunction because of his blood issues and i was on the news jesus christ all right well that's it for the mexican joke off the mean boys podcast we'll be right back after this. Well, hello, everyone, and welcome back to NBC's live coverage of the 2018 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It's a beautiful autumn morning for the millions of people watching today on the streets of New York City.

I'm Jennifer Terwilliger, and I'm joined in the booth by the newest member of the NBC family, Carnock the Bloodfeaster. Wretched pig children, Hear me in despair! I have taken control of your holiday broadcast, replacing the fallen Matt Lauer. As we speak, Lauer swims in the lake of fire, where he is surely being penetrated by innumerable hordes of vicious

boner piranhas! Great to have you, Karnak. We're here overlooking Columbus Circle, and right now, the Keller High School marching band from Keller, Texas is making their way up 59th Street. Ha ha ha ha ha! It is laughable to call this meager collection of braying brass and whimpering

woodwinds a marching band. When Carnock leads his hordes into battle, he is accompanied by the band of the damned, the souls of a thousand bards trapped in purgatory, forced to score the forthcoming bloodshed on instruments made of flesh and bone, a drum of human damned, the souls of a thousand bards trapped in purgatory, forced to score the forthcoming bloodshed on instruments made of flesh and bone, a drum of human skin,

a xylophone fashioned from the ribcage of a still-screaming woman. But we do also make the fat kid play the tuba, so perhaps we are more alike than I thought. Ha! Ah, terrific. We asked the millions of people watching at home to tweet at Macy's Parade and tell us what they're thankful for on this holiday season.

This one comes to us from at HockeyMom63. She says, I'm thankful for Brisk Autumn Days, my teachers at the DeVry Institute, and, of course, my cat Fluffernutter. What are you thankful for, Carnock? Gratitude is for peasants and lepers. I have received nothing that I have not earned. All of the many blessings Carnock possesses were pried from the hands of his slaughtered foes. Well, that is something I think we can all agree on. Oh, and here comes the first of this year's balloons.

Tourists from all around the world come to see their favorite characters come to life over New York City. Carnock, why don't you tell us a little bit about this one? Quivering blood dumplings! Cower in the shadow of the hellhound Snoopy! Followed shortly thereafter by his so-called master, the spineless castrato, Charlie Brown! Charlie Brown, you are a buffoon and an embarrassment! Your dog engages in aerial combat while you waste away on the ground!

You have been made a cuckold by the little red-haired girl. And you return time after time to be mocked by the bitch queen Lucy and her infernal football trickery. If you cannot kick the football, kick her in the cervix. And of course, Snoopy's bird friend Woodstock isn't far behind. Nobody fucking likes Woodstock! And just as a quick reminder, today's broadcast of the parade is sponsored by Target. Don't miss this year's doorbuster sales for the biggest Black Friday savings around.

Finally, Black Friday! Something I recognize. The celebration of the day when I climbed to the top of the highest mountain and strangled Lumos, the god of the sun. With his reign ended, the realms were plunged into eternal darkness, and the great and all-consuming blackness swallowed up the last traces of joy in the trembling hearts of my subjects. And so to celebrate every year, TVs are cheap as fuck. What a delight.

And now, of course, stay tuned after the parade for the NFL on NBC as the Detroit Lions take on the Green Bay Packers. Carnock, what do you say you and me go out after the parade and throw the old pigskin around? Fool! One does not toss the pigskin. You toss the skinned pig. It's like you don't even know what Thanksgiving is. Are you drunk? You said it.

It's 11.30 in the morning. Oh, and this is exciting. This next float is actually sponsored by NBC. And as the newest member of the team, we decided to let Carnock here be in charge of the design. Behold, my finest work! This balloon is entitled The Flaying of the False Prophet and depicts everyone's favorite son of God, Jesus Christ,

being skinned alive by what appears to be a pterodactyl made of sewn-together fetuses. According to my notes, the float is intended to drive the minds of mortal men to blabbering madness, confronted with the staggering cruelty of the one true bloodfeaster. Weep now, you maggots, under the boot of Karnak, and ask yourselves, who will you pray to as your god bleeds? Fun! Interesting fact about this balloon, it stands 666 feet tall, and is the first float in Macy's Parade history

to be 100% filled with hornets instead of helium. Good luck following that shit, Pikachu. And I understand you have a holiday special debuting tonight after the game, is that correct? Your plug is efficient and appreciated, Jennifer. Indeed, I herald forth a new and

whimsical holiday special that will be beloved and revisited for years to come under penalty of disembowelment. You've heard of Elf on the Shelf. Now get ready for Knife and the Wife. I know I'll be watching. Well, my volume just started kicking in and I'm starting to brown out, so I guess we should go to commercial. But before we do, let's go down to the street where we're about to hear a song from the cast of Broadway's newest smash hit, Spongebob Squarepants the Musical. God, no! Release the hornets! And welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast.

We return with a round of one of our favorite games, which are the following? So this game works. It's very easy. We have a topic. I'm going to give you four things. Three of them are real. One of them is fake. Okay.

You've got to figure out which one Keith made up. Exactly. It's you against me here. This is a game of skill. That we have never kept score on. Do we buzz in or just whoever says it first? You guys both guess. If you win, you can take one thing out of my room. Oh, wow.

And I give credit to this one. Pat Barker, a friend of the show, fat man of note, host of the Pat and Jeff Like Sports podcast, posted the thing on Facebook. It was an article from a magazine called McCall's from 1958 from an article called 129 Ways to Get a Husband. And it is a list of fucking ways that women can go about getting a man to marry them. And they're about as bad as you'd think and maybe worse. So we got a few rounds.

And again, three of these are real in each round. One of them I made up. Okay. So let's start round one. Which of the following is not a real advice piece written in this magazine about how to get a husband? A, get lost at a football game. Oh, that's how you get murdered.

Yeah. B, get a sunburn. C, don't tell them about your allergies. Or D, skip lunch. Ooh, skip. These are all pretty bad. That's the thing. There's no good answer.

I'm going to go with the made-up one is skip lunch. Okay. Skip lunch. Hmm. Get lost in a football. Get a sunburn. The only one that sounds like something anyone would even say is skip lunch, so I feel like I should pick skip lunch because, yeah, you could write that, but where would you be like get a sunburn to find a man?

Yeah, I feel like get a sunburn almost makes sense because you've got to wear less clothes. So you're showing off. That's a good point. You've got to show off your burn. I thought the idea was- Get lost in a football game. Obviously, there's lots of men. You like football too?

Well, let's talk. That's what you want to do, get cornered in a stadium full of men. I thought the idea was like, find some square-headed dude to light you up with tonics after you're burnt up. Well, the correct answer is skip lunch. Yeah! Oh, okay. All right. Now they start getting a little shittier.

Round number two. A. It's like no person would ever say that. No monster could conceive. Skip lunch? Skip lunch was not technically on there, but there are about five that boil down to be less fat. You look like Zeus who only punishes people for skipping lunch. You just reserve your lightning bolts for that was perfectly good pastrami.

You throw a chicken nugget shaped like lightning bolts. Oh, yeah. Shall not skip lunch. I am Zeus and also a robot. I am Judeo Christian Robo Zeus. I am Zeus and also a robot. I am Judeo-Christian Robo-Zeus. I love sandwiches. The show's going great. Round number two.

Which of the following is not a real piece of advice on how to get a husband? A. Don't be afraid to associate with more attractive girls. They may have some leftovers. Oh, my God. B. Read a book in public with a puzzled expression. Men love explaining things to women. C. We do, though.

The fucked up thing is that I love explaining things to women. Give me something to talk about. C, wear a Band-Aid. People will always ask what happened. Or D. Oh, this girl puts up with abuse. Seems like a keeper. Or D, if your mother is fat, tell him you take after your father. If your father is fat Tell him you take after your father

If your father is fat too Tell him you're adopted See that one also seems like You could come up with it But I don't I don't know That one feels more real What was B again?

What was B? B was read a book in public With a puzzled expression Men love explaining things to women What was C? I think I'm going C C was wear a bandaid People will always ask what happened

I'm going C Okay What was A? I'm sorry Don't C. C was wear a band-aid. People will always ask what happens. I'm going C. Okay. What was A? I'm sorry. Yeah, don't worry about it. A was don't be afraid to associate with more attractive girls because they may have some leftovers. I'm going to go A is seems like it was written by you. We're going A. We're going C. The correct answer, B, read a book in public with a puzzled

expression. Oh, damn. Man, they actually wrote to have leftovers in the 50s? Yeah. Dude, it's haunting. Alright. Round number three. They're calling them like grenades and shit, but they're like, yeah, Man, they actually wrote have leftovers in the 50s? Dude, it's haunting. All right. Round number three. They're calling them like grenades and shit, but they're like, yeah, it might have a few bouncing baddies left over, just like with weird period terminology.

Round three, all nautical edition. Ooh. Another way to get a husband. A, advertise for a male co-owner for a boat. B, learn to clean and scale fish. C. Pretend to drown near a naval base. Or D. Stow away on a battleship. Three of these are real as fuck.

Well, one of them is just like, wait for a hunky swimmer to save you. Yeah. Just learn how to survive. One is commit treason. Yeah, do Red Dead Redemption shit and come out smelling of brine after preparing your loose fish. The other one's own a boat. Yeah, the other one is, if you want to meet a husband, enter into a long-term business agreement with a stranger. I've got eight loans and nothing to do on Saturday.

I want to marry a man who can afford exactly half a boat. Yeah. I'm going to go with clean a fish is made up. Well, you know what boat stands for. Bust out another titty. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I got to go. I got to.

No, not clean a fish I'm gonna say stow away in a battleship alright the fake one C pretend to drown near a naval base damn I really thought

that was real Keith you would be you would be crushing it in like 50s Buzzfeed oh dude I would rocket this shit yeah and then and then like

30 years later people are like you know the guy who wrote all those sexist articles is actually gay as shit? And they'd be like, yeah. Weird.

Turns out he just reduced women to a very solvable constant. Yeah, if anybody asks, it's satire or whatever. It also would be good at pretending to drown outside of a navel. Yes, pretending. Round number four. They'd be like, uh-oh, one of those guys we were experimenting on escaped. Project Walrus is going down. Call the Japanese.

I got one in the water. Just dodging spears. I just wanted to fuck. They use your oil to make plastics for weird dashboard figurines. Oh, now I'm perfume. Do you know that the most valuable oil in a whale is in its brain? Well, that just sounds like a guy who's like a pickup artist for whales. He's like, you know the most valuable oils in the brain.

He's like, oh, he really likes me for me, harpoon. How many whales did they kill before they figured that out? Like, how long before you're like, I don't know, let's see what's going on with its fucking brain. Well, no, then you know the weird guy in the boat who was stabbing it in the head was like, you all laughed at me. You didn't think the brain oil was going to burn brighter, hotter, and longer, but you were dead wrong, sister. Your fucking brain's on fire, dude. Yo, you ever eat that fucking whale brain, kid? It's fucking bonkers.

Yeah, that's like their lamp is they just have like a glass jar with a flaming whale brain in it. Hi, welcome to Japan where everything's fucking weird. Hey, because you get the light, I'm trying to go to sleep. Oh, yeah, let me put out the whale brain jar. Round number four, which of the following is not a real way to get a husband? A, pretend your dog is lost and get a man at the park to help you find it. B, paint your name and number on your roof and say, give me a buzz, pilots. C. Bribe a Ferris wheel operator to get you stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel.

Or D. Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso. What? With a lasso? Yeah. Are we trying to get a rodeo clown to save you? Yeah, I don't know if you're trying to show that you can do tricks or if you're just

roping a man. Cowgirls are sexy. Yeah, but if you saw one on a corner, you'd have more questions than arousal. I like a girl that can ride a horse.

You know? Yeah, but... A rope climber? I like a nice briny vagina that's just been in hot denim for hours. Yeah. It's just dust and it just... In in there it just smells like a bad garage.

That's what you want, just a horse-chapped woman. Yeah. Someone who knows how to bale some hay. That's what I need in my life. Well, here's a question. How do rodeo clowns get pussy? I got to figure, yeah, but it's not good pussy. That's kind of like the drummer of the rodeo, you know?

Yeah, that makes sense. There's probably a few girls that are just very into it. You know what I mean? I mean, comedians get pussy. You get caught cheating with a rodeo clown. There's just a face print of makeup on the pillow that you've turned upside down before your husband gets home. You're like, they use a fucking bottle of seltzer to get her wet. My husband's coming home.

He just jumps in a barrel He's got a squirting flower of lube The husband's chasing him Out of the house And he's like Whoa whoa Just doing waggy I tried to make

Oh this is I tried to make out To Yakety Sax The other night Oh yeah Just to see if we could How far did you get Ended up laughing too much

It was really Really no way to do it Touch my sack It was too funny Jesus It was a good time though Yeah Did you grab her tits at least?

Yes That's what Chad can do With that song song Well mostly what I did Was chase her tits Between a series of Closed together doorways While they changed outfits.

They came out and she was like, is that a different bra? How is this going on? There's a gorilla on a bike for some reason. The Oreos aren't going to get me. How did that SS agent get in my butt? This is the worst hookup ever. What were the options again? Pretend your dog is lost.

Get a man at the park to help you find it. Paint your name and number on your roof and say, give me a Buzz Pilots, bribe a Ferris wheel operator, or stand on a street corner with a name and number on your roof and say, give me a Buzz Pilots, bribe a Ferris wheel operator, or stand on a street corner with a lasso. I'm going to say, give me a Buzz Pilots. Give me a Buzz Pilots seems fake. That is real. The fake one is pretend your dog is lost.

Really? God damn. That seems logical to me. They're swinging for the fences in the 50s. Last one. You show up to a park, you let your dog go. That's actually not a bad piece of advice. That's why I thought of it.

Last one. Are these all real or all fake? A, be friendly to ugly men. B, read the obituaries to find eligible widowers. C, point out to him that the death rate for single men is twice that of married men. Or D, stand in a corner and cry softly. Nothing gets the boys rattled up like stats. I'm going to go those are real because I feel like they have to be.

I got to go real. Yeah, of course they're real. I really just wanted to point out stand in a corner and cry. If you really want to get a man to marry you, be a Victorian ghost orphan. Who forwarded Nicole Buchanan this article? This is like her entire playbook. She's adding and cry softly to all of these techniques. Yeah, yeah.

Paint my roof while crying softly. Jesus Christ. Well, that's which of the following? Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful. Who won?

I think we tied. I think we tied as well. You know what that means? Nude arm wrestling. All right. Yeah, we'll be right back with all your questions, comments, and voicemails

in the mean voicemail bag right after this, ladies and gentlemen. You're listening to NBC. Thank you for tuning in to 89.9 Non-Player Character Public Radio. This is This Digital Life. I'm your host, the guy in the first town you get to that gives you the map. If you're like me, you probably have a pretty comfortable daily routine. You walk aimlessly in a public place between predetermined locations, and then disappear abruptly when it gets dark.

You wait around to be interacted with, wondering if the player character will explore your entire conversation tree, all the while quietly hoping they don't pick the phrase that makes you get mad and stop talking to them, therefore dooming you to an eternity of black silence somewhere within the game's code. When your moment in the sun comes, if it even does, you have nothing left to do afterwards but try to think of something new to say when the PC comes back into town after beating the main quest and everyone's dialogue changes for some reason. Or perhaps you're a quest giver. Sure, you've got a few more outcomes to look forward to, but there's always a chance that your quest will be too time-consuming or too boring or not rewarding enough for the PC to want to complete.

You may be left waiting for the PC to want to complete. You may be left waiting for the PC to come back, forever, too distracted by downloadable content and the glory of multiplayer action to fulfill your sole purpose. This callous hound leaves you gazing broken into the distance, like a sailor's wife waiting for eternity for his ship to come into harbor one last time. Maybe you're lucky enough to be a killable character in an open world game. Those gunned down for the gold in their pocket and the clothes on their back may be the luckiest of all, as they will know the warm embrace of death. Whatever your situation, today we talk about PCD and how it changes us. Player character

induced depression affects nearly a million NPCs, but you are not alone, until they uninstall the game to make room for more porn. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it is time for the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. All right, this one comes to us from Josh Mang1. Could you call Holden during the episode to just shit on his day? That'd be lovely. I don't know.

That seems like a reference to something. Holden's one of the guys from Roundtable of Gentlemen. Holden Andrews Ho, he's our fucking troll that we have. He's a lizard man. He's got growths on his neck. He's very funny. I've been told Holden is comparable to Tom in terms of just function on the show. Yeah, he's quite the madman.

He speaks from the bottom of his throat. Oh, that's one of the worst places to speak from. He's got a band with Marcus. Yeah, no one wants to call Holden. He already ruined one podcast. Wow, this is not good news for Tom's retirement from the show, that he still will be spoken of like this. Yeah, that's rough.

He's my favorite person in the world. I'm marrying him off on St. Patrick's Day in Charlotte next year. Oh, really? Are you going to officiate the wedding? I'm officiating his wedding, so I'll get to make fun of him in front of his family. You have to get special, like lizard ordained? This is going to be my fourth wedding. I'm ordained by the Universal Life Church.

And I'm hors d'oeuvres by the waiters. Ooh, mmm, yums. Ben, you accessed the deep reservoir of fat guy noises for that. Mmm, yums. Is that chicken? Or it all happened anyway. Pick a meat. How do you like officiating the wedding? Is that chicken? I'll have it anyway. Pick a meat. How do you like officiating the wedding?

Is that fun? I've always kind of thought that would be fun. It's a blast, man. I always have a good time. You can make fun of the dude as much as you want, but never make fun of the woman. Unless they're both women, and then, you know, you can... In which case, call them dudes and make fun of them both. Oh, man.

Have you officiated a gay wedding? Yeah, my first one. It was two lesbians. Get out of this house. Nice. No, that's awesome. When was this? Was it recent?

No, that was years ago. It was during the Super Bowl in San Francisco. Nothing was gayer. Oh, wow. Yeah, that is pretty gay. You wouldn't have known it was the Super Bowl. Yeah, the sun was just a gape danis. You wouldn't have known it was the Super Bowl. Yeah.

The sun was just a gaped anus. And they're like, the Super Bowl? You mean the guacamole? Oh, the football contest. From stories from Roundtable House, sound like a good match for Keith's mom. How long till you two rob a Chuck E. Cheese and murder a murder of crows? Because you know that shit happens when you party naked.

What? I don't know what you're getting at there, guy, but I like your spirit, I guess. We get a lot of... At least he knows what a group of crows is called. Yeah. I think he's just showing off. I got this text from a friend of the show, Brian Cox. I don't know what made it happen, but for some reason I told my girlfriend about a recent episode of Mean Boys while at a fancy restaurant for date night. It fully derailed the date for 30 minutes and and there was a lot of, why would you tell

me those things? I mean, yeah, why would he do that? Yeah, he just wanted to let us know that we ruined his date. He ruined his date. Yeah, yeah. This is for the brain. Yeah, that's my thought. Yeah, we do not make a talk to your girlfriend who doesn't listen about it, but a lot of

ladies listen, and we appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. Like, any woman who didn't volunteer for this don't force it on them you know what i mean well and also this is a show you listen to to exercise these feelings before you have to be a member of a polite society our show is like sexual choking if a woman's into it she's gonna let you know and if she doesn't you shouldn't be the one to bring it up yeah exactly it's a pedophile confession ring. Yeah. You twist it three times to the left, and then you put the letter in. I just make sure.

But yeah, pedophile confession ring, just the worst Green Lantern Corps that there is. It's like we couldn't get one of the red ones with like the, and no, okay. I have a membership to the Y, and I don't even work out. I'm not allowed to talk to Robin anymore. I can't live near a school Alright we got an email Hey Mean Boys did any of you have any embarrassing screen names In your past Oh man I'm trying to think of the worst one I had

I don't remember I think my first one was Kung Fu Commando That's pretty great It seemed real cool at the time What I'm doing right now is i'm in this uh this this comedian a bunch of comedians do a pick them football league yeah and i'm in it and i was like oh fun you know well i'll make you know you write a name you know you make up a funny pun on football right and then no one else did it but me and i'm so mad about it

that i just stopped doing my picks so it's just's just like, you know, Corey Lebowski, and then Ed is just like, yeah, I'm a fucking Colin Capper dick. It's very similar. It's a take my knee, please. Oh, that's great. And everyone else is like, Jesse Pop. It's like, fuck you, Jesse. Come on, what are we doing here?

Punch her head in the thing. My old one was just a Futurama restaurant. I almost said restaurant. My old one was a Futurama reference. It was Gumburkules, which is something that Hermes says. Oh, yeah. I don't know why I picked that at all. And then I had my name, like my fake, when I would play Dragon Ball RPGs on Beyond was Bada, B-A-D-A.

I thought that was a good name for a Saiyan. So there you go. Those are my embarrassing screen names. That sucks. Yeah, those are pretty bad. Thank you, Mallory Crumbless, for making me remember that. Hey, Mean Boys, I want to ask a question that I think each Mean Boy can bring their own expertise to. Between Keith's sexual depravity, Connor's love of anime, and Tom's cruelty to the English language,

how would each of you describe a sexual encounter you've had if it was written, Connor's love of anime, and Tom's cruelty to the English language. How would each of you describe a sexual encounter you've had if it was written as an English translation of anime porn? Good luck. Keep up the good work. Mike in Minneapolis. I don't know exactly what you want me to do here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number one American fat man. Make ruin vagina. I don't really know. He just wants us to do Japanese accents and get in trouble. Oh, this is a in trouble. Yeah. Oh, this is bad idea. Yeah.

Nice try with a fully articulated R, sir. Oh, it is me, Ed Larson, doing this. Number one. Number one Super America Japan guy.

Oh, Ed Larson, me so Japanese. It is me, Honorable Ed Larson. After half sex, bed sheet look like napkin on top of fresh pizza. I regret committing to this bit.

I would also like to point out that I think mine is not offensive because he sounds more like Watto from Star Wars. We used to do, I loved, remember Roku boxes? Yeah. Every time I turned it on, I'm like, oh, Roku. You like HBO. I've talked about this on the show before. My favorite thing to do is, like, I was on a road trip with my buddy, and I just started doing my impression of a Japanese man

who was furious at stand-up comedian Hari Kondabalu. Hari Kondabalu! There's this old fucking Chris D'Elia bit, and it's just him as a Japanese man trying to say McDonald's. The funniest shit. It's just McDonald's. And he just does it for like 45 seconds. And it's just hilarious. It's just funny.

I don't know. It's on like Lopez tonight. The good old days two years ago. Yo, mean boys. night you know uh the good old days two years ago uh yo meme boys i've been putting off studying for an exam recently by playing shitty mobile games and listening to an old podcast and it's finally giving me the time to really absorb it you know anyway this led me to having to explain to my girlfriend why i was cry laughing at the phrase girth thirst amongst other horrific jams love what you guys do keep up the good work fuck everything god is dead i should have read that

beforehand that was just nice but thank you ah. Yeah, that was a nice one. Hey guys, I'm incredibly curious about if the three of you would ever be willing to come to High Ridge, Missouri. No.

Probably not. I'll go to a better part of Missouri and you can drive. Yeah. That's kind of generally how these things work. Yeah, like what a weird

will you come to the ship, my house? I'll definitely go to Joplin but I'm not going to High Ridge, Missouri. I've got three friends. Yeah. Honestly, we've booked a show on less.

You kind of got to, if you live in that middle of nowhere-ish, you kind of got to resign yourself to being fucked and driving for it. We're already starting to plan our tour for early next year. We're going to get as close to wherever the hell you are as possible. Yeah, we're going to go back out there. We're going to start locking dates in and just advance those way ahead of time so you guys can make plans. And, yeah, we will hang out with you after. We'll make it worth the trip.

We always have a fun party. I'm such a big fan of your show. I first came across Keith and Connor on the roast of April O'Neil. I can't believe anyone actually watched that. And Tom on the episode titled Gorilla Vicodin. Hit me back when you can. Love you. Love you too, man.

There you go. Yeah, stay tuned on the April O'Neil thing, by the way. There may be another porn roast brewing. April O'Neil was a porn roast? It wasn't a Ninja Turtle thing? No, she took her name from the Ninja Turtles. We did 10-inch mutant Ninja Turtles. They have big grand tails.

We basically flew to Vegas and just made fun of a porn star while we watched her terrifying movies. She's called April O'Neil? Are you not familiar? I'm not familiar. Oh, buddy, have yourself a time. She's called April. She is. Yeah. Are you not familiar? I'm not familiar. Oh, buddy. Have yourself a time. Yeah.

She's she's really cool. I'm the Instagram friends. Yeah. She's funny. She's just like, well, here's here's me having tits next to Fortnite. Is this what you guys want? Yeah. You know, red red dead erection, I think, just came out.

Oh, good. Yeah. I'm glad they're still hard at work over it. Well, it's basically like the good people at Wood Rocket. Their business motto is, we bought a bunch of funny hats, and then we'll just put that on you while you get fucked. And then it'll be like that TV thing you like. I was just walking around.

I was like, do you care if I try on the Majin Buu helmet? And they're like, yeah, if you don't mind cum in your hair. And I was like, not really. Like, you had me. What do you think I condition with? Yeah, of course I want to be Piccolo. I'm in Las Vegas at 3 in the afternoon. There's nothing else to do.

Let's hit these voicemails. All right, we've got some voicemails here. Let's see this one. I don't know if you know this, but I drive a 2014 Kia Optimus. You can say I'm doing pretty good for myself. But I just want to say I love the will-they-won't-they chemistry between Keith and Connor. And I think by season six, they'll be married. And, you know, that's fucking beautiful.

Yeah, we're really the Ross and Rachel of podcasting. Yeah. That's one of the most heartfelt and least upsetting people just going, why aren't you guys gay fucking? Yeah, yeah, we do get a lot of those. And I'm like, look, if they made that pill, I'd take it tomorrow. You definitely talk about how crazy your fans are, but so far they're just very nice. Yeah.

Well, you're missing, like, you know, they're being well-behaved the one week you come in. You're missing when we've gotten voicemails about, like, here's a fun joke about when my wife had a miscarriage on a carnival ride. Yeah. The fucking Gravitron incident. Oh, that was a good one. That was a real one where this guy was. Did she go upside down on the Gravitron? The Oh, that was a good one. That was a real one where this guy... Did she go upside down on the Gravitron? The baby went some kind of bad direction.

Yeah. Well, you're not supposed to do it. Well, they know that now. I mean, everyone knew it before. Well, not ever. Apparently... Look, one in, I don't know, three-ninths of a person didn't know that. How old was the baby?

Did he give you that info? What? Was it a fresh baby? No, no, no. It was... Still in her, yeah. Yeah, yeah. How old was the fetus? Oh, I don't know, man Was it a fresh baby? No, no, no. It was. Still in her. Yeah. Yeah.

The fetus. Oh, I don't know. I don't. Yeah. I don't. Details. Weird to ask. It was far along enough that it was like a whole thing when it wasn't a baby anymore.

Yeah. She didn't know she was pregnant because I don't think she'd be like, well, I have a life inside me. Time to put myself into a human automatic card shuffler. You know? Okay. Well, as long as she human automatic card shuffler. Oh, okay. As long as she didn't know. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, we got a two-minute one about a hurricane, if we want to listen to that.

I love hurricanes. Yeah, let's do this one and then wrap it up. Hey, boys, it's the buffoon from the lagoon. No, this guy's a regular character. Yeah, the goon from the lagoon. The buffoon from the lagoon. You know, and he talks like a King of the Hillside character. He's awesome.

Let me give you an update. Everything's nowhere near close to what it used to be by any means. But, I mean, there's a lot of folks that are really rallying around. And they're, you know, really shaping, you know, Lynn Haven and Mexico Beach and Port St. Joe and all that around here back up. It's kind of heartwarming to see the folks can rally around like this. You still got your assholes that are trying to buy ice for cheap outside where I live. And then take it over there and sell it for high prices. But we take care of them in the Alligator Dave way, so to speak.

You kill them? Alligator Dave is a character that's sort of similar to this guy that appears on the podcast. We take care of them in the Alligator Dave sort of way, which if you know anything about Alligator Dave's backstory, it's violent and gross. Well, yeah, this started as like a heartwarming, yeah, we're rallying

around hurricane victims and then it just real quick detoured to murder. I don't think, he's a buffoon from the lagoon. He's not a murderer. All right, yeah, look, we ain't telling nobody.

Probably just gives him a good dressing down. I do appreciate the support and everything that, you know, you might have done just on chance, but,

you know, good luck out, fellas and everything that you know you might have done just on chance but as you're looking out fellas and you know things are like i said you know they're starting to shape up but man there's one thing you can't fix and that's panhandle activities just folks are assholes but we're gonna there's one thing you can't fix and it's panhandle activities we go now to resident Florida expert Ed Larson. Can you confirm that you cannot, quote, fix panhandle activities? Certainly can. I remember when Katrina... You can take the pan off the handle, but you're going to burn your hand. Anytime you see a man who looks like Ed in a track suit, they are about to commit panhandle activities.

I remember I was living in Tallahassee during Katrina and we were doing a big murder fish show at the same exact time and all of the beer that was supposed to go to New Orleans got rerouted to Tallahassee. So we just got fucking

hammered for a month. They were selling 20 packs for $4. I remember I went and did it. Whoa! Oh, shit. Who the fuck was that? That was the fucking karma police coming to kill me. Oh, shit.

New Orleans has hit the door. They want all their beer back. That was God going, watch it. All right, guys. I was fine with pedophile confession hour, but... I was with you on the Bat Kid stuff. I hate that guy. But stealing beer from hurricane victims.

Stealing beer from New Orleans? What are you, the devil? Sounds like his work. They also have a lot of... In Sopchoppy, Florida, they got hit real hard with a hurricane. I was thinking about them. That's another fun thing to say as a Japanese man.

Sopchoppy, Florida. Sopchoppy. Sopchoppy, Florida. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right. But they have a worm grunting festival there. What could that possibly mean? They put these tubes into the ground, and they just go...

Into the tube. And then worms come out of the ground and they just go into the tube. And then worms come out of the ground because they're scared. And then they kill them. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Every resident of Sobchoppy, Florida is Shrek. Population, 20,000 Shreks. Well, this is now reminding me of the Patchy Patchy Clappy product that Jessica and I became

obsessed with a few years ago. This is a Japanese product. This is one of the more Japanese things I've ever seen, but I still don't know what the item is. Yeah, it's a little thing you hold in your hand and you pull the trigger and it claps. I feel like he could just clap. Nah, but this guy does it for you.

Man, I know they come in every color and it's just a practical thing, but that black one is a bummer. The black one looks like Jinx from Pokemon. Like, that's a little racist. Yeah. I mean, they all somehow look racist, but the black ones don't want you to put your finger on them.

It's got a multicultural, every different color patchy patchy clappy message. It's like two sets of murdering labias. Anyway, back to this guy's hurricane. Oh man, they had the red tide there. Did you hear about this? No. The red tide in

Florida, all this crazy algae killing all the fish. Right. And when the hurricane came through, it lifted up the red tide out of the water and then sprayed it all over the land. So all the fresh water got the red tide. And then the red tide hit the ground and it was like fucking tear gas, they said. Holy shit. It just rained death. It basically rained death on this guy's town.

So, you know, they got to run some people out of town. It's going to happen. No, that's fair. Yeah, no, alligator Dave Justice holds sway, man. Yeah, let's just go. Ed's cliff notes here. You can hit a go with a hammer, and sometimes martial law is appropriate in Florida. These are just things he believes.

And I can't find him on it. I'm no expert. Brandon martial law. All right, here we go. Let's finish this up. Shift your support that way, man. We're tougher than fucking, you know, shit. Tougher than my mama's tits over here.

So we're okay. We're going to get through it. But, man, those folks are definitely going to need help now. I mean, it might be beyond my reach to get out there, but I'm gonna try it, do what I can from over here, hopefully one of these motherfuckers never gets near y'all, cause this shit sucks, man, like,

it really brings out the best and worst in folks, and it's, I'd really just rather deal with assholes, alright, fellas. Hope y'all have a good one. Tom, let's keep your eye on him and tell him he's never going to cage me. Be easy, fellas. Bye.

All right, well, I'm putting Tom in a cage. Thank you for keeping him checking in and, I don't know, handling shit during the Mad Max hurricane. We tease you, but your altruism really is very inspiring. Yeah, I mean, I feel altruism really is very inspiring. Yeah, I mean, I feel bad because I don't really know. I don't know what to do. If you tell us who we can tell people to give money to that will help your specific situation.

Look out, we got the fires. Let's visit their first hurricane. All right, well, Ed is going to fly to whatever swamp you're dying in and take your wallets. Yeah, well, I just got a couple new reports on Hurricane Justice, and apparently fire covers rocks, so I don't know what to tell you guys. Dude, yeah, we'll hit you up. Send us a link to somewhere we can tell people to put money, and we'll put it in the show notes and shit. I had a crisis of morality because of the fires.

I'm driving back from my gig at UC Santa Barbara, and I get rerouted around them. So I'm taking service streets, and there's a little detour. And I drive past this one intersection where I see there's very clearly a shitload of bottled waters and Gatorade left out for firefighters and people fleeing their homes. Right. And I'm like, oh, they got every color of Gatorade. They got light blue. They got green. They got red.

They got that weird cucumber one. They got all your favorites. And it's cold out, so they're just below room temperature, crisp and cold. And I'm like, I mean, they're not going to miss one Gatorade. And I was like, you can't take the Firefighter's Gatorade, Connor. You took it, and we both

know you took it. I didn't take it. There was an Arco down the street. I just bought one. But I did have to tell everyone so I could feel good about myself. So that's my compromise. You saw the fireman's gatorade and you decided not to steal it that's the kindest thing connor did this month is not rob a fireman yeah i felt pretty good about that well ed larson thank you for joining us on the show tell us what they're uh what the way you're working on where people can check out all your shit oh i have a sneaking suspicion you'll be a big hit with the mean boys listening audience oh man thank you it was so much fun being here

I love this show as soon as we started hanging out more and working together I was like Ed has got to come on the show he's going to be phenomenal this is just like our old show Roundtable Gentlemen which is still up please go listen to it if you haven't listened to it you guys are beautiful I love this

and those on the brighter side it's a show that Keith will be on soon and Nicole Buchanan will be on it it's a show that Keith will be on soon. Yeah. Apparently. And Nicole Buchanan will be on it. It's a show I host with Amber Nelson. Oh, cool. Yeah, Amber's great. We want to get her on here, actually. Yeah, we've been hosting this for years. Nice. You work on Thick Skin with Jeff

too, right? Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. You can always listen to that. And then Historical Roast, Bumping Mics, anything Jeff Ross. I am involved somehow. And go and do Murder Fist videos. Those things are timeless. I posted one of those on Facebook when I played that you were coming on.

If you guys have never watched Murder Fist, go watch The Dollmaker by Murder Fist. It's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. We'll tweet it with the episode when it comes out. People should definitely check that out. That sounds great, man. Yeah, watch Historical Roast next year. Closer when it comes out, we'll try to get as many of the writers together to talk shit about Absolutely. People should definitely check that out. That sounds great, man. Yeah, watch Historical Rez next year. Closer when it comes out, we'll try to get as many

of the writers together to talk shit about it. That'll be great. That'll be fun. Then we can actually talk about it. Exactly, yeah. We've been skirting around

what we can and can't say. We did not roast Grover Cleveland. Sadly. Yes. Season two. Season two. You don't even know.

I used to have a formatted bit about Grover Cleveland that Orange County Comics make me do. It's my favorite bit. The road gigs. All right, gang. Fucking coming up, headlining the Crow's Nest in Santa Cruz on the 25th of November. Bringing Tom and Nicole with me.

That'll be fun. Back at the Madhouse, November 27th. And I have some kind of kooky gig in oceanside december 1st so there's a lot of opportunities to watch me uh half-assed show in san diego uh the 15th i'm back at the madhouse again uh the 21st i'm headlining the rec room in huntington beach with keith uh 27th to the 29th that's when i'm at the windsor comedy festival in canada i forget what part of canada that's in but you guys Google, and I'll be plugging it. And Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento the first weekend of January next year.

So come fucking see your boy. Yeah, November 27th, all three Mean Boys will be doing stand-up at the Good Bar in San Diego. November, nope, not November. December 2nd through 8th is going to be Snark Week. And then I've got some other stuff later in December, but I'll plug that closer to it. All right, cool. Thanks for listening, but I'll plug that closer to it. All right. Cool. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Fuck everything. God is dead.