Mean Boys - EP 166 - Bloody Rubber Fist (feat. Shortbus Murphy)

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Shortbus Murphy shows: http://www.jtcomedy.com/tour/ Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Shortbus Murphy on Twitter: twitter.com/flamingolucky Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Hey, everybody. Welcome to a new episode of Mean Boys featuring a call-in from your beloved Shortbuzz Murphy. Shortbuzz Murphy, who is exactly what you thought he'd be. Yeah, he Skyped in from his basement.

Don't worry, he had bongos. And yeah, he was a lot of fun. We had a good time. I think you guys are going to dig it. He's got some shows coming up. You'll hear about that later in the episode. There will be links for all those down in the show notes below. Snark Week is nigh.

It is coming up next week. Nigh as fuck, uh starting on monday yeah the seven days seven shows plus seven more bonuses on the patreon and you're gonna hear a little later in the episode who we got locked in for it but uh this is gonna be a fun one fellas yeah guys we'll have guests on all the bonuses and a lot of your favorites are coming back we got some fun surprises planned uh and of course the seven episodes. So 14 podcasts in seven days available for only $5 to watch

three people grow to hate their best friends. I love telling people we're doing that and they just go, why? And I can never give them any good answer other than because it's funny that it'll suck. Because we thought of it. Well, the sucking is part of it that people don't understand. Here's the problem. Snark and shark rhyme.

And that was the beginning and the end of the plan. Pretty much, yeah. I was like, oh, we could justify an okay pun at the expense of our well-being. It was basically last year Connor went, how do I take Christmas off? And we're doing it again this year. Yeah, so jump on the Patreon to follow all of the Snark Week goodness happening. Five bucks a month, of course, for the weekly bonus content. Daily bonus content during Snark Week.

And ten bucks a month for your monthly goodies. This month we got a Ramone button. It's the Ramones logo, but it's our names. He's holding a sledgehammer and a dildo. There are six six sixes instead of arrows. I love it. Dude, this is probably the most compliments I've gotten on a piece of Mean Boys art. Fucking excellent work.

Sure. Yeah, so that'll be mailed to you. I've already ordered them. They're in route. And also for the $25 people, we're making beanies. We've purchased custom tags and beanies. We'll be making a sweatshop in my room at some point to assemble all of them. And they look pretty bitchin', so I'll tweet out some of those designs.

Those are going out in all the $25 boxes from the last couple months, which are going out soon and all future ones. Wall Supply's last and we'll have a link where you can buy them if you want. But yeah,

they're going to be really cool. I'm actually really fucking excited. I'm so stoked on them. They look sick as fuck. Yeah. I'm going to wear the shit out of those things. Check those out

and the merch store will all be updated in time for Snark Week and Christmas and all that. But yeah, enjoy this week's episode with Short Buzz Murphy. He talks a little bit about uh our friend and discord moderator alexis filth uh her new podcast called the violet wanderers which is on itunes haven't listened to it but

i assume it's good you know that's the ultimate stamp of approval is yeah i bet you're doing something fun over there i don't know she's had some mean boys ramsay's been on it isaac hirsch has been on it oh wow The big guns We should probably do it At some point I'm sure Nah It's too familiar Alright well I'll do it

Of course I'll do it So yeah go listen to that Fuck with us on Reddit Our mean boys Get involved in the conversation On the Discord channels Where you can go complain About your boring factory job

To other boring factory job workers Across the world Yeah And There's a fun thing going on in the discord now. If you guys like the battle royale we did a while back, Alexis is doing that as an RPG D&D situation. And it's actually very fun. So if you are terrified of anyone touching your dick, go join the discord and leave us

a review on iTunes. We've we've hit our 400 review goal. The Keith's Mom episode is dropping on Christmas. My mom did. I was just in Fresno for the holidays, and she did show me around the Winnebago, where we will be recording the episode. And we will be doing a walking tour. We're going to do it like a 60 Minutes piece on Michael Jackson in his later days. I'll have to bust out the GoPro.

Oh, you're going pro. Yeah, this is the Winco she steals from. Wow, they're just like us, these stars. Ah, look at this pile of dogs. Yeah, this guy writes, I found joy. Five stars by Red Burr. The joy I've been missing from this podcast was the pre-PP Poopoo Hour. I wish the best of luck to you guys, but I'm done.

Five stars for all the joy you used to give me. That's how you that's how you abandoned ship guys what a gentleman that guy really gave us one more fuck for the road that was sweetie yeah wow what a guy so uh yeah you can go leave us a condescending itunes review about our performance if you'd like or leave us a review and keep listening to the show no i don't care what you do you know we got free will yeah uh yeah but that's about it uh so all you gotta do now is sit back relax and enjoy this week's episode with a very uh i don't know lugubrious probably yeah sure uh

not i wouldn't say he's lugubrious he seems like a nice guy lugubrious is like you it's a word it sounds like a fat adjective it's a word that was well first of all the just the word the one you say it sounds round in your mouth it sounds like a big sphere made of butter. And it means just kind of shifty and horny and deceitful. Oh, yeah. Deceitful. Yeah. It's got a negative connotation.

Ah, well. With the magnanimous Shortbuzz Murphy. Here he is. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast Brought to you by 4Loco, the official beverage of the full moon I'm Connor McSpadden I'm Keith Carey I'm Tom Goss And I'm Hagrid's disappointing nephew.

Welcome Short Bus Murphy live via Google Hangouts. What's up? Wait, I thought this was Skype. No, this is a Google Hangout. What is Google Hangout? It's Skype for poor people. Skype would have actually worked and you wouldn't have to be looking at me. Wait, Skype is free.

I read somewhere that I would have to pay to do what we're doing here, so I just did a Google Hangout. I haven't used it in years. I did it free with Alexis and Ian, so I mean. Okay. Yeah, it's great. It's not anything else. Anything else I'm not doing for free with them. Here's the important thing.

Thanks for pointing out what I did wrong after we've already began the podcast. It's great seeing where you live because you live in a place that looks like what people think our house looks like. Yeah. It's just this terrifying bare basement with an ominous set of bongos in the background i mean we won't give we're not going to post any pictures of you or anything we're not going to use your government name murph but uh yeah seeing you in real life is oh man it is so much more than i could have hoped for you want to explain you want to take a second and explain the ambiance we're looking at right now?

Just your living situation? Well, I mean, I'm in my basement of my giant house where I live with a big backyard and stuff. So it's not that sketchy. Yeah, I'm down in my basement. We're in just this rectangle of it. Yeah, yeah. Wait, you went to the sketchy place to make us feel more at home? Did you walk around your house and go, what would be the most upsetting tableau for the mean boys to see so are you recording this before or after the old guy from

the shawshank redemption hangs himself on that yeah it's like i feel like just out of frame there's an entire shelf of just bleach i mean kind of i'm in my basement. I mean, you know, like exposed wood stuff over here. To my left is my girlfriend's pot smoking table. To my right is a pair of tie-dye bongos and a keyboard. You know. I feel like you own more than one of that poncho you're wearing, too, if I'm being honest. Yeah, I mean, you know. Oh, man. Well, thanks for being know. Oh, man.

Well, thanks for being on the show, man. A lot of people know you from past mailbag confessions of terrible behavior, but you want to just briefly explain what you're all about, what your deal is? Yeah, could you cliff notes us what you've contributed to the show so far? Because you are one of our favorite extended universe characters for sure. I know, pretty much like me and alexis and ian and fucking the buffoon from the lagoon just like forced ourselves into being your like howard stern whack back i know i love it that's what i wanted to happen but uh my name's short bus murphy

um which is kind of a misnomer because i actually don't drive a short bus anymore i used to you only have to drive it once to get the name. Yeah, that's like being shit's his pants, Kevin. It's only got to happen on one bad field trip. Yeah, but no, I'm a dude from the Northeast and formerly of Florida. I mean, obviously, who I work with people with developmental disabilities used to drive a short bus got MRSA in my eye

one time and nearly went blind oh fuck dude yeah I know all about MRSA that shit stinks yeah it wasn't any fun man I mean it was fun getting it cause I got it off this dirty bitch I used to date but you know did you fuck a girl who had MRSA in her vagina while you were fucking yeah that's where i got it yeah i thought you put it there i put it

in another one oh that's right yeah because i did the host monkey i didn't know yeah yeah i was fucking patient zero for south orange county's fucking mursa outbreak back in 2012 herpes over here well it's more of the millennial plague you know pretty much yeah no that happened to us too because like a bunch of me and a bunch of my buddies you know we all kind of fuck the same girls and i never went to like a doctor and got diagnosed that i had MRSA like somebody who had fucking kids and insurance did that i just fucking like figured okay if you got that and it looks like this that's what i got well yeah you're like i gotta be draining something here i mean this is these are not normal fat guy boils i'm not this is a different thing i'm working with

i'm not getting bit every night by spiders from the harry potter universe so i think i have mercer yeah pretty much fucking um no but uh other than that uh fucking i don't know i'm kind of a musician i play gigs around my local area book comedy shows sometimes you know fucking but yeah I'm just one time I definitely told a story that I think you guys thought I was confessing to some serious criminality and I definitely was not

but you guys have to go download Alexis Nian's Violet Wanderers podcast to get the full story I remember that incident we couldn't hear the voicemails that good at that point yeah so we only kind of heard bits and pieces we're like i think this guy's the devil yeah i went back and figured it out later if you can only hear every third word of a short bus murphy story the dots you're connecting don't paint any kind of flattering picture so yeah that was our bad yeah no i i fucking usually it was

like real late at night you know fucking coming off a night shift and be like uh well fuck i guess i'm gonna tell this fucked up story and then realize afterwards i like gloss out like 10 details but no yeah that's our caller's favorite thing to do is tell a horrifying story drunk that something their friend did yeah and then make none of the information particularly clear, so we just have this weird haiku of bad events to sort of decipher. Okay, according to this, Ruth Bader Ginsburg's dead?

Like, we don't know really. Yeah, we always have to speculate in between the lines and be like, is our listener a charming rogue or a rapist? Watch that line. It was all on the up and up. The reason I was kind of like a fucking hinty about it was because like technically i'm not supposed to tell people about that because like hippo laws and shit right which is why i had

to have you untag me on facebook that was such an amazing like circle of events where you like paid to be on the show then we put you on and then you immediately were like don't tell anyone it's me it's such a weird thing i'll get to some plugs later i'm doing this on behalf let's talk about let's uh let's plug the show now so we don't forget about it later and because people skip the yeah i've got well i've got one date that i'm booking here in my shit hole town messina new york uh jt haverset if you guys are familiar fucking altercation punk comedy tour okay uh he's like

he uh opens for like stanhope and stuff and he's part of that whole circle but nice yeah i mean i've got i can read off a bunch of tour dates but december 3rd he's playing my town uh messina new york at the del mar at 8 p.m um jay chernoyan opening that's excellent comic out of new hampshire wherever the fuck i like cool man well yeah if you guys are in the upstate New York area, go to these shows and deal with short bus. Yeah, party with Mr. Bus. Check it out.

Yeah, tweet the link at us or whatever. We'll retweet it. Yeah, I will, man. I'm going to try to make some magic with that because if any fucking Mean Boys fans check out JT Habersad or whatever, he's definitely in the wheelhouse, you know, punk rock dude. No, no, look.

No promises because we can barely get him to show up to anything but i mean i think if we didn't go to upstate new york so if you're around yeah go have a enjoy a nice satellite get together yeah i know people have been yelling at us to go upstate for a while yeah that'd be fucking rad yeah yeah and so how was alexis's pocket we should plug that to violet wanderers which is a pretty good name considering i know what that sex toy is yeah yeah i didn't have any fucking clue when i went on it i had to figure that out later i was like oh i thought they just said violet wanderers i was like what does that mean it took me a second to figure out what that meant because i knew what a violet wand was but my brain didn't click it so i heard that name and i'm like what kind of like all poetry nickname i'm like oh no it's for fuck

fuck shock yeah yeah it just sounds like people people who drop acid and listen to Prince. Yeah. No, that's for... It's like every day is 1999. That's for electrocuting your transgender husband after a long day of living in a Bruce Springsteen song. Which is Alexis's life from when she clocks in to when she clocks out, Nebraska.

As soon as she gets home, it's fucking Erotic City. That's why me and her get along so well. I like the idea. The podcast is good. Check it out. But if you don't like pro wrestling, just skip over the middle 20 minutes. That's a disclaimer that should be at the front of most podcasts. I feel like most

conversations you have as well. I'm going to talk about Bret Hart energy. Yeah, probably. How was your Thanksgiving? You do anything fun, man? No, not really. I fucking went to my girlfriend's fucking family's house. I fucking worked all day. I don't know. I got a real

job. They pay me fucking stupid amount of money to work holidays. I get like 60 bucks an hour to do nothing. Have you ever had a turdunkin? Hey. Yeah, I am familiar. What? Wait, he's familiar?

You said turdunkin, like Dunkin' Donuts. Do you know what he's talking about, Murph? No. I know. What, turdunkin? Yeah. Wait a minute. Do you mean a turdunkin?

Is that when you put a turkey? Yeah. Wait, is that when you put a turkey? Yes. Wait, is that when you put a turkey? Yes. No, that's when you put a turkey inside Duncan Trussell. And he's like, wow, this turkey used to be a baby. It's crazy. It's like we're all the turkey.

Dude. Duncan Trussell British now? We're not good at voices. You were Russell Brand. Brilliant impressions. I don't really know that much about him He seems like a nice guy He's 100% not British

I'm ring-nulling this Every time I hear him he's just like Yeah, wow Kind of like Don't know what space is big I just picture that her dunking is just Tom shoved a whole iced coffee up a turkey's ass Yeah, yeah

He's got a Dunkin' Donuts Girl Scout flavored iced coffee That's inside of a dead animal Did you guys get a turkey's ass. Yeah, yeah. He's got a Dunkin' Donuts Girl Scout flavored ice coffee that's inside of a dead animal. Did you guys get a turd? I don't know what a turd Dunkin' is, but I can tell you all about a shit Hortons. What's a shit Hortons? I was just fucking around. It's Tim Hortons because I'm near Canada.

We don't fuck with Dunkin' over here. Hey, get out of here with the Canadian bullshit. Listen, Tim Hortons is the far superior. I will fight you. Dude, I was so excited to go to Tim Hortons is the far superior. I will fight you. Dude, I was so excited to go to Tim Hortons when I was out on the East Coast, and I went, and it kind of sucked. Yeah, yeah. Did we go to the same one at that gas station between Detroit and Cleveland?

Yeah, but I went to another one, too. Oh, gosh. And yeah, I thought it was going to be better, but I still think Dunkin' is better. I don't know. They just took my favorite breakfast thing off the menu, so they can go suck my ass. Yeah. Suck your ass breakfast. Here's what i

like about this podcast so far is we're like all right we got this guy he's had a crazy life short bus operator let's see where he's at on regional coffee blow us off the map i fucking went in deep on some of my like stories for the like weird shit i've seen working because like either is like they're cutesy happy fun stories that totally wouldn't be appropriate for mean boys because you just think they're fucking gay or like they're completely gonna make you cry and fucking want to just i know it is it is hard to find one in the sweet spot of gross and also no one got hurt that

bad and i will say this we uh we threw up that you were going to be on the episode and we got a bunch of uh tweets and facebook comments and stuff people have some questions so i think we're going to get into some deep short bus murphy lore yeah exactly well should we if anybody like connects the dots and figures out like who i am or whatever just like be cool keep my name out your mouth i love that you think our podcast is that popular being on our podcast is like going to an orgy if the mask falls off you didn't see nothing you know what i mean yeah yeah exactly we got a code yeah it's like that the subway and spider-man 2 where he gets all fucked up and they're like we're gonna keep this kid safe yeah the only thing i can think of happening is uh i

was i was we i've talked to the guys about a little bit about this marf but it's i'm very excited that we're now at the point that there are mean boys sucks now people i'm very i'm like whoa i must really be doing something they're saying i sold out yeah that's fucking i know fucking i mean you got a few of us that hit up all the different platforms and just kind of like, so when's Joe going to come in and do a fucking episode? I don't know, man. We'd love that. But yeah, we'll see. We get him up every once in a while.

So hopefully. One of the three of us would have to put it in our will and then maybe he'd consider. And then fake our debt. We do it in Tom Sawyer's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's the problem with having Joe back on the show. He's very cunning and it's tough to get him to say his name backwards. And that was the rule we set out.

Well, then he goes back to his own tiny gay dimension, and it's a whole thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goes back to his... God, yo. He's Mr. Dixelplitz. Yeah, yeah. Well, you wanted to do the full show. You wanted to write some jokes and everything.

I'm excited. Do you want to get into it? I did. It's some kind of bullshit, like, hook-thin agreement where I pay you, and then I want to do all the work, too to write some jokes and everything i'm excited uh do you want to get it it's some kind of bullshit like hook thin agreement where i pay you and then i want to do all the work too like yeah how's the fence coming along by the way oh man well i think it's right i think we're all fired up i think we're ready to get into the mexican joke off all right let's do it gang you want to take us away murph sure give me one second to pull it up here they're in these by my girlfriend and she didn't think they were funny so i'm not a i'm not All right, let's do it, gang. You want to take us away, Murph? Sure. Give me one second to pull it up here.

I ran these by my girlfriend, and she didn't think they were funny. I'm not a professional comedian. It's a rookie mistake. If women hate it, it's probably a good mean boy's piece of content. Oh, yeah, dude. I dated this girl who just had her life together more than me, and she'd be like, what did you do today? And I'd be like, oh, man, we got this really great sketch

where Karnak fucks the Pope with a tractor. And I really think it's really subtle and well done. And you just see her eyes just fucking melting in her skull. Like, what have I done? This man was inside me. I dated a girl who was a Mean Boys fan before I met her. And even I'll pitch stuff to her sometimes. She'll be like, shut up.

My girlfriend, I managed to bring to see Doug Stanhope twice, and she's enjoyed it one of the times. So it's like. Okay. Where'd you meet your girlfriend? Real quick. I'm curious now. I live in a small town, so it's just like you don't really meet anybody. You just kind of know somebody, and then after a while, you're both single at the same time.

You just kind of walk into an unattended woman, like video game character. Consume. Katamari Damacy loose women. And after a while, you're both single at the same time. You just kind of walk into an unattended woman, like video game character. Consume. Katamari Damacy, loose women. You're just Kirby and single ladies. Yeah. You just get like a letter from City Hall where it's like, oh, it's my turn for Veronica. Let's see how this works.

Pretty much, man. Pretty much. Hell yeah. All right. Anyway, joke. Me trying to be funny. Okay. Dean Ween will open a weed-friendly music venue in Denver next year. When asked for a comment, every Ween fan replied,

but what about their K-boofing policy? Oh, man. Boof and K. That's one of the most hardcore things to boof. You know? Yes. I've never boofed it. Sorry.

I'm stepping on everybody because I can't really hear Tom. Tom, did you understand any of the words that Murph just said? But sorry, I'm stepping on everybody because I can't really hear Tom. So let's get a little closer here. I know wean is both a band and a kind of cough syrup drink. Nope. Yeah, you're thinking of lean. Wean. That's Elmer Fudd with a lean habit. It's that with the lisp.

Elmer Fudd under his rap persona, Will Wayne. Yeah, like wean was what Lil Pump's five-year-old son would call it. Daddy's off that ween, and now I live with the government. All right, I'll go next. A man was arrested for money laundering after he put $400,000 in a washing machine, said a reporter from the Laffy Taffy Gazette. What a scoop! All right, Cal Fire reports that the California wildfires are now 95% contained.

In a related story, Cal Cage confirms that Tom Goss is still 0% contained. Son of a bitch. I'm going to... Okay, so I don't know if I've said this on the air before. My original plan to get Tom in the cage is I was just going to roofie him. Throw him in a cage. And then I told him, like, like hey i decided not to do this but here's what i was gonna do and he's like oh you could have roofied me i would have i would have

been mad for a minute here's the thing is i think what would happen is you would have roofied me and then you would have had logistical issues getting me in the cage still so i know enough people that we could have lifted you you're not that dense yeah i would i would have watched a youtube video about how they made the pyramids and i would have got a series of vlogs and so here hold on i as an expert in someone with mentally deranged people who are sometimes sedated i really thought you were gonna say as an expert in roofies but go oh i'm not joey diaz well yeah he went to roofie bartending school where he's like oh you want to see a mexican sunset i'll show you but no the problem wouldn't so much be getting him to take the roof here getting the cage but when somebody needs like ambulation you you're you and connor being like odd heights it would

be really hard to walk with them and shit oh yeah well you pretty much have to get him down and then cage over him yeah that's what i was gonna do was kind of just put the cage over his bed like yeah i mean this is it's exactly like that time we moved the piano in that black and white movie. It's going to be a disaster. Here's the thing, Keith. You're allowed to give me the cage. Anyone who helps you is becoming my enemy.

Okay, I need you to blink when you say things like that. Breaking news. New conditions added to thing that will never happen that we keep talking about. More every week until people stop caring. Tom, you're up. People still tweet about how Keith is uncageable.

Read the goddamn joke. You don't even know who's going in the cage. A German teen lost his license 49 minutes after getting it doing 90 in a 30 zone. He claimed that it was an accident. I really had to take a shit porn. Man. Damn. Okay.

Okay. That was a long walk. You're bombing thousands of miles away. So all right. You're up bud. All right. Stan Lee's family is feuding with Bill Maher. Over his comments regarding comic books.

Sources say they patch things up over their common interest stealing material man that bill maher shit was so like it was so dumb like coming out like 24 hours after the guy died and being like well everyone who reads comics is dumb oh yeah yeah where he's just like oh i know how i'm gonna make this stay at the top of the edgy 63 year old white. He found a way to be less likable than when he said the N-word on national television. Yeah, that's pretty impressive. Yeah. Is it you or me? It's you.

All right, cool. A Buddhist monk was caught having a meth orgy in a temple. Most Buddhists want to achieve nirvana, but I guess this guy was going for Kid Rock. Okay. I should just clown shoes this week. Okay, all right. All right, So, okay. Some foreign Mean Boys fans asked me in the Reddit if I would do jokes about their leaders

because they feel that Australian news is not represented in the way that it ought to be for the Mean Boys podcast. So, I've got two jokes about foreign leaders I've written for them. Okay. I know nothing about your your made-up politics or your worthless problems also send me the your news sites for your weird countries if they have interesting shenanigans what problems are there in australia kangaroo famine yeah uh okay so the queen all over the place yeah uh the queen of england

revealed that she eats her bananas with a knife and fork. In light of this development, my new standings are to fuck Queen Margaret II of Denmark, marry King Salman of Saudi Arabia, and murder Queen Elizabeth. Sorry, Liz. Top game matters. So there's your fucking Queen Elizabeth joke. Is that I wouldn't fuck her? No. Well, she was fucking the fuck Mary Kill, but I found out about that banana fork eating thing.

She got knocked down. I had to demote her, yeah. I don't want someone eating my dick with multiple bites. You just do it in one go like a pelican. You don't have enough dick to eat with multiple bites. It'd be like a three-bite cookie. You ever see those? You got a fun-sized dick, my dude.

Like you want one suck and then you come? Your dick is like a fat kid eating an Oreo. It's meant to be two bites, but they're going to get it done in one if you really want it to. Yeah, a fat kid. A hypothetical just It's meant to be two bites, but they're going to get it done in one if you really want it to. Yeah, a fat kid. A hypothetical just fat kid. Who could that be? Anybody here? Yeah, literally anybody here.

Or not here. You know, looking at Keith talking up close, I expected your teeth to look much worse. I was actually kind of shocked at that. Yeah, I mean, this one is less of a tooth than it should be. There's like a big old hole in it. Well, the good thing about... I was... But the good thing about Keith is that, like, you know,

I got very pale skin, so if my teeth are dingy, it shows up. Keith's skin is also just, like, the texture of, like, a used handbag. So everything looks cleaner next to his face. I also look... The way Connor describes me, people just expect me to be like an old jack-o'-lantern that got fucked to death by that atm couple in breaking bad well yeah no i'm just like no you kind of ugly guy you've just put your entire head in like a traveling jerky maker you know by just smoking constantly so you're just very weathered well i'm sorry i

can't have an 11 year old girl's acne all the time like you but fucking we're all doing our best well yeah well no i don't i don't look like i was I was just ensconced into just a humidor full of fucking bad memories and regrets. You weirdly look less healthy than me most of the time. I just expected you to look like Shane McGowan from the Pogues, but like fatter. Give it 15 years, that's exactly what I'm going to look like. Hey, guys, what about Bane McGowan? It's a dirty old town. Oh yes,

Bane. I admit my gloves. I'm like, really Bane? I'm so annoyed. Everyone shut up. Oh, this is how it feels for me. You started this. By the old canal, Batman. I kissed my girl. You adopted bullshit. I am

bullshit. By the factory wall. Tom, do a joke, please. Dirty old Gotham. Snagglebane. Sorry, Murphy. You can take a bathroom break if you want. A football player ran over a sideline reporter

and then tried to make it up by asking her out. His logic was solid, saying knocking a girl out was college football third base. You're circling coherence. Yeah. No, it's going to be in and out of coherence. Yeah. Just like me. Yeah, Murph.

All right. George R.R. Martin complained to Stephen Colbert that there was no porn in J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth. Usually you could find it in the woods like we did when we were kids, but the fucking trees kept walking away with it. I really like that joke. Yeah, yeah. Just a fucking ant. Just watch his jokes. Yeah, dude.

Just fucking walking all slow and shit, reading like a big stack of Playboys from the 80s. God, it was so great when we were kids and porn was just in logs. Like, it was amazing. It was weird, just the prevalence of just, like, mystery porn that was just left. I remember there was a bathroom, like, in a park by my school, and somebody just left a porno mag there. And it was, like, this weird, like, Valhalla. Like, we all would visit and just, like, take turns in the jack shack. Well, yeah, it's like if you had the fuck a gutenberg bible at a museum we go and we turn one page every day so you can come back

and see we uh when i was a kid i remember because i live like right on the saint lawrence river and like you can like paddle out to a bunch of islands like that are very far out and you can take a canoe out and i would find like really nasty like fucking like cherry and fucking porn like that like in the log my bathroom was yeah like on a fucking island like who the fuck is that scared of their wife that they're like fucking getting a boat involved just to fucking canoe to masturbate safely yeah he like went to a kiosk and bought a day pass to hide one magazine i don't like well my issue with print porn is when they get into the spread the pussy open He like went to a kiosk and bought a day pass to hide one magazine. I don't like my issue with print porn is when they get into the spread the pussy open stuff,

which is like if a quick flash in video. Sure. But like just a static image of a fucking splayed out vaginal. Yeah. You know, the fucking system is just weird body horror. I was like, I don't know if this is how it's supposed to look or if this is like some weird thing they're doing to this lady. Yeah. I just I can't fap to this. i don't know if this is how it's supposed to look or if this is like some weird thing they're doing to this lady yeah i just i can't fap to this i don't i fap to it i was just like i like the uh i like the hustler ones when they're like pissing in a glass bowl and it's just like mid like air like before it hits the bowl after oh yeah man

classic era hustler was just gross for gross's sake when i like it's like i don't know what can we get this bitch to do whenever i I see an action shot like that, I always imagine they have that soccer photographer that's like really quick, just like running past in shorts. Some guy in like a vest full of cameras like he's like a war journalist. Yeah, yeah.

All right. I'll go. A judge ruled that Detroit's ban on female genital mutilation is unconstitutional. Ironically, people in the Motor City are now legally allowed to do some damage under the hood. Man.

All right, continuing, you know, my English news in the Australian news corner. This joke is being told by my new character, English Bill Maher, that still uses American pop culture references. Former Prime Minister cameron has expressed an interest in returning to politics what's next michael jordan returning to baseball republicans

bill maher is just like figured out now he's like yeah i'm just gonna be the ann coulter of liberals and it's fine including the face he's just gonna fucking do the whole deal yeah he does kind of look like ann coulter with a bigger dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Ann Coulter has a bigger dick or he has a bigger dick? No, Bill Maher does. They each have a bigger dick than the other one. I feel like Ann Coulter is small but effective.

It's like that gun Travis Bickle has in his sleeve. It's the element of surprise that makes it lethal. A pocket popper. Sure, why not? Yeah. That just makes you reaching into your pocket and pulling out loose jalapeno poppers now. Oh, yeah. All right.

A huntress has been... That's why we don't let Tom into buffets with cargo pants anymore. A huntress has been slammed for taking a photo with a dead sheep and bloody sex toy. Calm down, Peter. She just fucked Satan. Let's not piss her off now. Sassy words. I like that you called her a huntress.

That's how they wrote it in the article. I figured. It's really weird. The photo is just a dead sheep and her holding a bloody rubber fist. That sounds awesome. Oh, wow. Bloody rubber fist. And she's not not attractive.

Looks like we got an episode title Bloody Rubber Fist So Tom's doing jokes for the New Zealand audience That's good, you guys are good It sounds like one of those old tongue twisters Like you can't say Bloody Rubber Fist five times I'm out there repping you pineapple people SpongeBob?

You think New Zealand is pineapple people? Oh no, it's Kiwis. Never mind. I knew it was a fruit. There's so much. That just sounds like a racist slur for Samoans or something. Oh, yeah, look at this fucking pineapple over here. Yeah. Goddamn coconut coons coming and taking all our football jobs.

Yeah, these spam rangatans. Yeah, these fellas saw this fucking pineapple in a Fila track suit looking at my girl. If Kiwi is like a slur to Zealanders or whatever, I didn't know. I thought it was. It's not. They say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that doesn't mean it's not a slur.

No, this is the Samoan who's too drunk at the club and the bouncer's like, I'm going to go get my forklift. And when I do, you're out of here, buddy. All right. All right. Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty has a purple hole in its belly and philly residents don't know why studies suggest this is because no philadelphia hockey fan has ever seen a black pussy i'm just picturing people in philadelphia like what do we do do we throw a battery in it like yeah do we charge really now do we charge a nine-year-old kid they did like because

they always bring kids out to do the skate around on the ice at the beginning a fucking nine-year-old kid threw a fucking down and fought with gritty and got put in the penalty box was this like a planned stunt or was gritty just like what the fuck does not appear to be because he hit him like he went back out after they let him back out and did it again so i didn't i didn't even know pat parker had a nephew that's shocking uh all right for some reason i imagine uh you just went for the purple hole in the stomach just gritty lays down on like a stone tablet you know like on some real fucking uh you know the shit yeah like the uh the the yale thing the skull and bone society okay and then they just get a big vat and they just pour chili into him. And that's his fuel.

And then he goes... And he, like, Tasmanian Devils out of the room. Fueled by beef juice. Yeah. A man dressed as Fred Flintstone was arrested for speeding. Officers say he was yabba-dabba doing 80 in a school zone. Okay, yeah, no. So this one, Australian news.

This is Dennis Miller, but he's in Australia. Kind of. This one, man, both of my Australian ones stink. There was just nothing happening. You have one of the biggest countries in the world and nothing happened there this week. You fucking losers. Isn't that where Meryl Streep lost her baby?

Australia? Probably. Hang on, hang on. What you mean yeah it's sharp you have any idea short bus on uh on meryl streep lost her baby in australia can you do anything with that yeah that was that was a movie that was the whole like that was that whole dingo ate my baby thing yeah yeah okay that was a movie about her feeding a baby to a dingo yeah she the mom, and everybody thought the mom just killed the kid and shit. I thought that Tom just read one news story about a 60-year-old woman and was like, I'm going to run with this. All right. So Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has endorsed a plan that would place armed police in remote indigenous schools.

In America, we call this the phone booth full of blowing money but for shooting kids yeah he went he went to this like indigenous school with like the tribes people like the native people are native to australia and he's just he went there and he said uh thank you for putting up with the invasion and everyone was like whoa bro i mean yeah but no yeah they don't do that shit here i live right next to a Mohawk Native American reservation, and shit gets real fucking hairy sometimes. I used to have a Mohawk. What's that? No, the Indian tribe.

It takes more than that to join their fucking Tom Warren. Are they, like, super gnarly? I mean, you know, fucking, well, there's, like, this weird fucking indie movie a few years ago called Frozen River, because, like, technically the reservations on both sides of the border, like U.S. and Canada. So and then the river freezes over in the wintertime in between and they just run hell of drugs through there. So it's like, oh, no shit. Every time you turn, there's like a mansion sitting on the fucking river with like, you know, I went to it.

I went to a gas station on a native american reservation when i was going up to montana one time and we just pulled over that was like the only gas station around and it was one of the most haunting experiences of my entire life they have cheap cigarettes like i just like i periodically just think like oh man no you got it pretty good because they just put these people out in this fucking death camp it was nuts so like we walked in and it was just everyone was just like what are you doing here the and it was just everything was like dirty and bad and everyone was pissed off and i'm like man your life sucks yeah no one needed to see the white man walking here i know

and i was just like hey you got a snapple yeah no that's what you don't have to worry about that with ours because like they between like the illegal things and like the casino, all the actual natives are fucking balling. So all the stores are just populated with white people working behind the counter. Oh, yeah. The other day I did have to bite my tongue when I almost wished somebody Happy Thanksgiving, though. Oh, that would be bad. I do like it because I'll go to do casinos or whatever, like at Pechanga. I do like when there's the fat white guy with the worst job, and I like yeah that's a little bit of justice yeah chief enjoys the irony is just watching from

behind glass yeah yeah no one of the one of the tribal leaders saw the show and i made fun of him and he went and i thought he was mad at me because he like pulled me over and he was in a wheelchair and he just loudly talked to me during the headliner said about how much he enjoyed me you want to go outside and he's like like, no, I'm a leader. Why did I leave the tribe? Couldn't interrupt comedy show. I'm the pope of this terrible parking lot. Yeah, so I was just like, sorry, whatever your name is.

Oops. All right, Tom. We have two more, right? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Should I do it? We have one more. Should I do the dumb one or the other one first?

Do the dumb one. The dumb one first? Yeah. Okay. They're all dumb ones yeah the incredibly dumb one uh photos of a child bride auction in sedan have gone viral they did an entire child bride auction in a shitty car damn how small are those kids i had to buy that for a dollar have you ever told the story about the small town firefighter auction no i don't think so i did this benefit for the firefighters in calusa california another example of connor's uh redneck towns that sound like racist girl scout cookies um and they had they're doing this like auction and the auctioneers they were like the they had these like bundles because it was like a big family event so it would be it would for real

one of them was all right next up on the block we got a girl's bike uh we got a den a diamond tennis bracelet and a shotgun let's start this off with a $400 bill. 400 where? 400 there. 450 where? 450 to the gentleman. You know, and I was just, I was like, okay, yeah, we got a bayonet. We got a crate of Easter egg supplies and a butt plug. That's a $1,000 bill.

Sold. Yeah, it was fucking the best shit of all time. That's what we do. We have jamborees every time somebody gets cancer or something, and, like, you just get a bunch of bands to play and they people just auction off like i made a basket of assorted shit in my fucking you know basement oh really you just have like a like a juke joint go fund me where it's like all right buy a red solo cup bill has got the leukemia more or less more or less actually that's what i'm doing tonight after i'm done here they're doing an

80s karaoke jamboree because my homie's brother just died in a diabetic coma. Oh, no. I'm sorry. That sucks. Well, he would have wanted somebody to butcher Dancing Queen. That sucks that that happened, but all the words you just said is the funniest comedy. Yes. Yeah.

80s karaoke diabetes jamboree. That's nonsense. What you're telling me is you're going to go watch a white woman cry about Journey in a barn. Almost exactly. That's the exact moment you are allowed to stop believing. All right. All right. Dead whale was found with 115 plastic cups in its stomach.

Pinocchio remains undefeated at beer pong. Man. That was good. I'm really happy. I heard dead whale, and I just braced myself for it to be about me, and it wasn't, and I'm very proud of you, Mark. You're still alive, Keith. Who was playing beer pong in his stomach?

Keith's mom. What's up? Oh, no. High five, bro. We have one bit. You're only Hollywood fat compared to us real people. You're kind of small. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I say nice things to you. Yeah, but you're not a person. I'm hanging up on you. You're fired from the podcast. I've been grooming him to hate himself for decades so I can have a sidekick on this podcast. Keith, I told you how much your shirt looked today. That was a nice thing. It means nothing. Your shirt looks shirt as fuck, man. Thanks, man. you how much your shirt looked today. That was a nice thing. That means nothing.

Your shirt looks shirt as fuck, man. Thanks, man. It's a new shirt. All right. Last one. Where is it? Okay, here we go. A 13-year-old girl who wrote an essay against gun violence has been shot to death.

In related news, thousands of teen boys are awaiting their irony after writing essays about how blowjobs are bad. Not good. Okay. Oh, I'm not supposed to burp anymore sorry uh the man who helped save people from last month's yoga studio shooting has been given a thirty thousand dollar tuition to florida state university a nearly five thousand dollar value damn it would have been it would have been a better like investment if you got thirty,000 of tuition to that yoga school.

Yeah, I was about to say, no one ever shoots up a yoga studio in Georgetown. I can't make something out of my life after this. Ah, man. My last joke's very bad. I like the idea of during that shooting, one person being like, maybe I can yoga my way out. And trying to dodge the bullets. Oh, yeah. Like in the mask.

Like people are doing Matrix shit really slow and just getting shot in a child's pose. Yeah, immediately murder. I love your dad. All right. A man is being shamed for asking his girlfriend to marry him while she was running a marathon. If asking a woman to spend the rest of her life with you while she's running away from you isn't romantic,

then why is it the plot point of most horror films? Yeah. What a good idea, sir. It's actually, it's a very clever point. It's pretty. A lot of words. Yeah, words. Dude, I'm mostly words.

Words and flesh. I can't wait to listen to this episode next week so I can hear what you guys are saying. I'm sorry, man. I said words and flesh. Words and flesh sounds like the Japanese translation for Hellraiser. I haven't seen it.

Well, that's it for the Mexican joke-off. Let's throw to a special Mean Boys announcement right now. When we come back, hopefully Murphy will be able to hear us. Yeah. Pig children, you demanded it. You craved it. The thought of it made your genitals shiver like any girl at a movie theater. So next week, it's time for Snark Week 2018.

Seven days, seven episodes, 14 sketches, 140 joke-off jokes, one descent into unrelenting madness. But who's coming to hell with us? Let's find out, cum buckets! Monday, December 3rd, Mike Lawrence. Tuesday, December 4th, Keith Ray and Andrea Guzzetta. Wednesday, December 5th, Jessica Michelle Singleton. Thursday, December 6th, Kyle Clark and Henry Zabrowski.

Friday, December 7th, Opie, Ramsey Badawi, and the return of Now Is Not The Time. Saturday, December 8, G-G-G-G-Garrett Reynolds. And Sunday, December 9, two special guests so tight we can't even announce them yet. Unless they reschedule or something, in which case, I don't know, we'll call Isaac Hirsch or whatever. But that's not all. Each day of Snark Week also brings up a bonus episode exclusively available on the mean boys patreon featuring special guests weird surprises and meanopoly to

the revenge snark week is by the fans for the fans and it's when the shit hits the fan will we lose our minds halfway through? Who cares? Fuck you. Snark Week 2018. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. That's right, everybody. Prat, prat. Oh, that ain't good. That's right, everybody. Starting next week, goddamn Snark Week 2.

It's coming. Mike Lawrence, Henry Zebrowski, Gareth Reynolds, a bunch of fun surprises coming. You just heard some of that in the announcement we just put on. Yeah, guests on the bonus episodes. My ex-girlfriend's coming back in the trap. That'll be fun. Please forward all your Connor's tiny dick questions directly to her so I don't have to read them until the show day.

But right now, we're going to play a game made by Short Bus Murphy. And I have no idea what this is, and I really hope it's not a weird slur thing. No, I trust Murph. What do you got for us, man? I'm stoked. All right. Oh, shit, you got a mic stand. Yeah, I have a mic stand.

I'm sort of a musician. I don't have anything where I'd be accomplished, but I do have some equipment. Yeah, bongos. Impressive, isn't it? How often do you use those bongos in a song? Because I feel like that's a very specific instrument. That's like if you're like, well, I'm going to want to have this harpsichord once every 12 songs I do. So the Northeast here, we are a big hippie contingent, but it's not the fucking Coachella Queen fucking vegan type hippie.

It's like the listen to fish and have a real smelly dog type hippie. So this was my fucking calling card i got more gigs with those than i do like playing guitar or whatever but yeah i used to play bongos in a jam band and then it kind of fucking turned into some shit that's the best nonsense i used to play bongos in a jam band but at a certain point i was like i thought this was about the bong and well that was my fucking thing is like because i was a pretty good fucking percussionist and we started out it was like acoustic bongo jack johnson dave matthews bullshit but then like everybody wanted to like plug in and end up playing on the drum kit and everything was like more like grateful dead covers and then they want

to do pink floyd and all this fucking happy horse shit and i was like man like i don't want to fucking sit on a drum throw and have my balls while asleep for four hours i'd rather just fucking stand up and slap these fucking things i don't i don't need to keep the bit to keep the beat for a nine minute alto sax solo plugged into a phaser pedal you know this one bitch did have a flute this one bitch had a flute man we called her flute bitch for obviously fucking we would do a can't you see by marshall tucker band and she'd pull the flute out for a little fucking extended This one bitch had a flute. Man, we called her flute bitch. We would do a KEC by Marshall Tucker band, and she'd pull the flute out for a little fucking extended solo. Okay.

And they're like tapping the drums. No, I wasn't. Not for you. I learned that the flute is the most strenuous instrument to play in the marching band because you've got to hold it up to the side of your face, so it actually burns the most calorie to be a flute player. I would think the tuba because it's so fucking big. But it's ergonomically designed to wrap around you for marching purposes.

Right. Yeah, I think there's a difference between a tuba and a sousaphone, and one of them's for marching. I think it might be the sousaphone. What the fuck are we talking about? One of them's for playing in Bim Scala Bim. Well, yeah, I assume it would be named after Sousa, who wrote many great American marches.

Yeah. Anyway. John Philip Sousa. Welcome back to Connor Kind of Remembers Middle School Band. And Tom looks frightened trying to remember which one is a tuba. No, a tuba is the fucking horn snake. You just wrap it around. No, a tuba is the instrument that soundtracks your whole life silently.

That's the Benny Hill theme song. All right, what's this game we're playing? Yeah, let's play some games. Mr. Bus, lead us. Vocabulary B. any help him so all right what's this game we're playing yeah let's play some games all right this is called vocabulary b so i have this weird fascination with like folk slang of like different like either like criminals or fucking like just weird subsets of society so like i used to be a carny early in my career and like so like carny has a lot of slang and i don't know if career was the right word what uh what corner were you working at the carnival were you the two small jugs you throw the balls into what were you doing i did a little of that well i mean it was it was kind of not a car it was old

town in kasumi florida i used to run the uh like amusement park rides there and shit so i'd like rock the scrambler like the ferris wheel and shit like that i I know this isn't a job, but in my head, they just hired you to walk around and march in a small hat. If that makes sense. Like a very tidy teacup-sized hat. That does not make sense. You were a Florida Carney. You gotta talk into your microphone.

You were a Florida Carney. That's brutal. I thought we were talking about that. Were you not talking into the mic? I've been talking into a lot of stuff. We gotta talk into the mics. He just hears us on the computer microphone. So, yeah, let's take this away. I'm stoked for this game.

Okay, so I'm going to read you a phrase, and then I'm going to give you four choices, and you have to tell me what the choices describe. Okay. So what the phrase is. Okay, so we're going to start with the first one, and this is Cockney rhyming slang, something you probably are familiar with from, like, director movies.

Oh, yeah. Hello. As featured in the wonderful J.J. Doomsong, Governor. All right. I don't like you neither. All right. So, I was Brahms and List in the battle cruiser when the cows and kisses walked in. I nearly tom-tit.

And we got to figure out what that means? So, I'm going to give you four choices. You're going to tell me which of these four options that describes. Can you repeat the key phrase again? I was Brahms enlist in the battle cruiser when the cows and kisses walked in. I nearly tom tit. Okay. Battle cruiser I feel like is a cop car, but let's see.

Yeah. All right. So it's either A, a military action, B, someone's wife showing up to the bar, C, a sym car, but let's see. Alright, so it's either A, a military action, B, someone's wife showing up to the bar, C, a symphony, or D, none of the above. I think it's B. I think it's wife walks in.

That's what I'm going with. Yeah, because kisses rhymes with misses. Yeah, and battle cruiser. I thought maybe that's a bar. I don't know. What was the first option again? You're going to have to talk where I can hear you. The first option. What was the first option?

It was a military action. I can hear you good there. You should do that the whole time. The third option. Third option. Yeah, I get easily confused with the first. Okay. C was a symphony.

Hmm. A symphony. No, I don't think any of these fucking dumb English meatheads are going to the symphony A symphony I don't think any of these fucking dumb English Meatheads are going to the symphony So I'm going to rule that out based on my Classist presumptions Now it's going to be that one I'm going to say symphony

Oh yeah I love fucking Oh you heard Tchaikovsky He's fucking mental Nothing better than getting ginned up and listening to a violin. I was thinking with B. What do you guys think? So, yeah, the answer was B, someone's wife showing up at the bar. Nice.

If you want me to break it down, Brahms and Liszt means pissed or drunk. Right. Battle Cruiser means boozer or bar. Yeah, okay. I closed it out here. What was I doing? Cows and kisses means Mrs. and Tom

Tit means shit Why is every single word They have a whole poem Yeah I just Imagine like everyone in England just lives under A large mushroom and is just like whimsically Writing bullshit all day Slang is supposed to be like I don't have time to say

Frozen yogurt I'm gonna call it fro-yo But they're like, let's add eight words and let's sound like the whimsical Dr. Seuss characters while being toothless and violent. What if this boring story was also an exhausting limerick? Can you pass the cap

hat of the string thing? This is how we say fucking mushroom stroganoff. Of all the foods that could have been. What? I thought you were going for a tampon, Jack, but okay. All right, what's number two? All right, number two.

This one is bootling sling. Are you guys familiar with bootling sling? Is that when you kick people? No, bootling. Okay, up in Northern California, there's a town called Boonville that apparently is just some hick town where they've got their own category category of just this really weird hick slang i've seen this yeah and there's like six people left that like speak it you know right it's a dying sort of dialect of weird fucking just some weird like california oaky slang i'm fucking wicked fascinated with it

okay all right so the phrase is i was was Molly Gorman on Muldoon, but I piked to cow scully when I felt her hog rings. Oh, herpes. That's how we do our herpes. Oh, hog rings. Oh, man. How did you find out about the appetizer Keith's invented? Yeah.

So the options are A, farming. It's an onion ring, but it's made of bacon. Well, yeah, I've always wanted to wear carbs as a bracelet. Options are A, farming, B, a robbery, C, sexual with a fat woman, or D, none of the above. Can you run the actual phrase one more time? I was Molly Gorman of Muldoon, but I piked to cow scully when I felt her hog rings. Yeah, if it's not sex with a fat woman, I'm just disappointed, so I've got to pick that one out of optimism.

What were the three options one more time? Farming, a robbery, sex with a fat woman, or none of the above. I think it's farming. I think it's fat sex. The answer is C, sex with a fat woman. Yeah! Never try to give these people more credit. It's always about something stupid.

I need to know what hog rings means. Okay, so I'll go through the whole phrase. What I'm saying is if you're farming, you don't need to cover that up with slang and code words. If you're fucking a fat lady, you want to have a little bit of a wink-wink, nudge-nudge dialogue. Well, then you should have more effective wink-winkery than hog rings, because that sounds worse than

fat chick pussy. That could be some local dish or something. Well, maybe. Yeah, one guy's eating it. Yeah. All right. Hit us with the stretch marks. Molly Gorman means sucking on a titty. Muldoon means a fat girl. Piked means he just

took off. Cow Scully means out in like the sticks out in the country. And hog rings means a real loose vagina. Oh, God. A particularly loose vagina. I'm just picturing one of those life inflatable vests you get on an airplane if you're

going to drown. Yeah. It's kind of fat, but mostly just sort of flubbery. All right. Nicely done. Gross. What's three? So me and Tom are of flubbery. All right. Tight. Nicely done. Gross. What's three? So me and Tom are tied now. Okay. All right. Next category.

This one is carny slang. I didn't actually speak any of this when I was a carny, but. Boo, you should have. Yeah, you fucking, you race traitor. I don't know. You poser. I want to see you in a small hat and overalls. Why are you obsessed with the small hat?

I don't know. I just wore an orange polo shirt and khakis. It was not that fascinating. This carnival that I worked at was, and Keith's probably familiar. You lived in Kissimmee for a while. But this is in the part of Kissimmee that movie The Florida Project was set in. I literally lived and worked right in that fucking neighborhood. I could visually map out that whole fucking movie. Yeah, just bummer. i still haven't watched that movie because i know it's gonna be like a

weirdly emotional thing for me because oh my god it made me fucking cry like a bitch dude yeah well every every race has the thing where if you're that race but you don't speak english like mexican people call you a coconut or uh japanese people call you a banana what is that for carnies i'm trying to figure out you You know? Like a sellout carny? Yeah, yeah. Like a bozo? You're a clown on the outside, but you're inside. You're a normal person.

Is there a dent in my hairline? Look at this fucking gacy. Oh, I don't know. Let's pull up the tape screen. Yeah, picture in picture is the closest Tom owns to a mirror. Oh, no. It was just a little bit, maybe. You make me wish phrenology was still a thing.

What? Phrenology is when you measure skulls and you supposedly can tell things about it. It's like a racist science thing from the 1900s. Oh, Nazi sizes, whatever thing. Exactly, yeah. Where it's like, do you want to come? The thing that Ricardo DiCaprio did in England. No, no, no.

It's free hat fittings for Jews today. Only nothing to see here. Completely innocent. Free hats for Jews. We will measure you. All right. So the Carney phrase is advanced man says we'll do an at show with a fees. A business clean the midway for the kid show and get all the cake eaters in hidden with the after catch during the blade gommer.

Fuck. Jesus tits. You want me to do that over again? It was a long one. Hit me one more time and then we'll hit the end. So that's scrambled eggs and hot links, I think. Advanceman says, we'll do an at show with a Fizuk Fiznish,

clean the midway for the kid show, get all the cake eaters in, hit them with the after catch during the blade gommer. Okay. So this is, there's a sword swallower and they're, and there's some sort of trash around. This means the bathroom's on the left. All right.

So choices are A, a wrestling match, B, a sword swallower, C, a freak show, or D, all of the above. I'm going to say D, all of the above. I think it's that, too, because, yeah, Blade Gummer makes sense for Sword Swallower, and then, yeah, I think it's all of the above. I'm going to say, you know what? I'm going to say A, to be original. To be wrong is why I'm going to do that. Talk close to that. Well, I'm not very good at this, so it was definitely all of the above.

Nice. Oh, yeah. But so to go through, Advanceman is kind of a common term. Just somebody who goes and sets things up beforehand. Right. At show means athletic show or a wrestling match. Fizzuck fizznish means you're going to screw somebody out of the match because wrestling people for their carny slang just put fucking is in the middle of their words. Like fizzuck. They think you can't tell.

Okay. It says fuck finish. Fizzuck fizznish. So clean the midway just means that you're going to get everybody off the yard and get them into the thing. Kid show is a freak show. Right. Cake eaters mean the rubes are the marks. After catch is when you try to sell people shit once you got them inside the venue,

and Blake Dahmer is a sword swallower. Huh. Did you guys... Well, they found a lot of different ways. What I like about this is I'm learning that carnies are looking down on us. They're like, oh, look at this fucking cake eater. And it's like, I came to laugh at you and your bad life.

Somebody calling me an asshole while they're eating the head off a chicken yeah who's eating whose cake here buddy see like when i worked at the little carnival like i was just like a local who got a job there it wasn't like anything but like we would get the traveling carnies that would like once the season was over they'd go down to florida and fucking stay there i just remember this one like family came down and they lived in one of them florida project ass motels right but like the dad the two brothers the sister the wife they all fucking got hired with us and like uh the dad was like or the girl was like fucking like had this like straight up like new york city accent she's like yo can you go see something to my dad over there blah blah blah and i walk over and i'm like hey your daughter wanted to know about this he's

like yeah just go ahead and tell her, blah, blah. Like somehow this fucking nuclear family managed to like adopt like two polar opposite accents. Yeah, like it feels like an intentional choice. Like they're going to war with one another. I had an embarrassing moment with the Carney where I was doing crowd work in Oklahoma and I asked them what they were doing or what not, not what, not what they were doing, what they did for work. And they said, Carney. And I go,

you sell hot dogs in Los Angeles. I thought that I didn't know what a Carney was. I thought it was just Carney's. I was like, you guys got Carney's out here. They're like, yeah, you thought he was talking about the train car.

I thought everything was about a hot dog specific. I didn't know that it would, it was like a term for people who work at a carnival which sounds too fancy no one of the guys fancy word one of the guys i met at halloween also was a traveling carny he did like lights for the carnival so now we have two confirmed carny listeners i know more carnies than carnival which means there must be hundreds uh yeah oh for sure it was yeah it's that's pretty much your demographic factor workers carnies and what have you yeah yeah true drag the the punk rock carnies and

like we were in the fucking we got all the people that get killed in the holocaust after gypsies is who we get everybody who like was at risk to become like a henchman for the joker oh yeah one of our fans if the joker was, he would have recruited most of our audience. All right, you got any more? All right, so you mentioned train cars, and this next one is hobo slang. Okay. Hell yeah. Okay.

He's a bloated-in-the-glass ambulator who eats snowballs, but his Angelina is a gay cat who can't read an easy mark. Ooh, okay. Snowballs have got to be drugs. I think snowball is something with gay sex. Okay. Alright. And what region of people is this?

I think Angelina is like mom or someone that helps you out. Okay. Alright, so you want your choices? Sure. Choices are A, an experienced hobo and his rookie companion, B, someone trading cocaine for gay sex, C, a rail yard bull that can't be outwitted, or D, none of the above.

B. I'm gonna say B B I'm gonna say D Okay the answer was A An experienced hobo and his rookie companion Ah shit Fuck that So bloat in the glass just means you were born a hobo You know you weren't like you didn't adopt the lifestyle

You were born in it Choose the hobo life. The hobo life chose. You're an OG. Yes. Ambulator just means like an experienced traveler who's gone all the way across the country. Okay. Eat snowballs means that you're a hobo in the north or the northeast during winter season.

So you're not afraid to go be homeless in the snow. Yeah. I really thought that was about swallowing calm. Yeah. I thought that was either coke or calm. Yeah. Yeah. snow yeah i really thought that was about swallowing cum yeah i thought that was either coke or cum yeah yeah angelina uh just means a traveling companion could possibly mean like a hobo punk you know like a gay fucking fuck buddy possibly it has multiple meanings a lot of gay what's that well are most hobos gay i think it's mostly like you can be gay for services i mean listen you're out there on the road you're fucking but you don't have a

fucking tinder profile you're gonna take any let's put it this way everyone's gay when pie season's over all right if it's got a hole in a heartbeat i mean you know that was uh that was the uh that was the first line of hunter s thompson suicide note pie season's over but uh a gay cat just means an inexperienced hobo so they've oddly enough nothing to do with actually being gay and then easy mark is like when they put the hobo uh like seen before on the sides of buildings like they scratch little signals on so hobos know if there's like cops all right cool you got any more yeah tom's a gay cat yeah and i've got one more uh this one is prison slang what i like about this show is that

people learn things yeah you know this oddly is one of the most educational episodes we've ever done yeah yeah this last one is prison slang i don't know of like specific region of prison slang but it's prison slang okay so it was 13 and a half he's got all day and night if he's lucky he'll get backdoor parole from a ho check i know what one of those things half, he's got all day and night. If he's lucky, he'll get backdoor parole from a ho check. I know what one of those things means. Oh, he's going to get butt fucked. No, backdoor parole means he's going to get killed. Oh, that's dark.

And then butt fucked. So then, okay, so A is a shot caller getting preferential treatment. B is butt sex. C is someone doing life without parole, getting killed in prison. Or D is none of the above. Well, I got to go C then. I'm going to go butt sex c is someone doing life without parole getting killed in prison or d is none of the above well i gotta go see you then i'm gonna go butt sex yeah yeah that's c yeah 13 13 and a half means that you had 12 jurors one judge and half a chance against you oh gotcha yeah yeah all day and night means life without parole right backdoor parole as keith said is getting killed in prison and then a ho check is when you first get into prison they see if you're gonna you know get butt fucked and they beat the shit out of you so do you speak all these languages no he just said he's interested in

him i've just looked this stuff up but i do i do end up like trying to pepper them into my daily phrases and you know people don't know what i'm talking about i do like the idea of you having some sort of like rosetta stone yeah i was gonna the guy carney rosetta stone yeah yeah it's just a funnel cake with like something printed out on top of it well what i like about these is the people that are trying to keep their communications a secret are the people that have the least to offer society that no one is eavesdropping on yeah oh man they're never gonna find out about our big hobo carny plant. They weren't looking. If only I could decipher the secrets of Hobo Dave.

Like, it's never happened. Man. That was fun, man. That was good. Yeah, that was Vocabulary B. Vocabulary B. Hell yeah, dude. Not creative.

No, I liked it. It was fun. Yeah, I dig that, dude. We're going to throw the commercial right now. When we come back, we will dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. What's up, YouTube? Welcome to Crypto Lab. Today, we're bringing you another edition of our newbie guide hot off the blockchain and teaching the scrubs how to cop their crypto.

As we all know, it is a bear market out there right now, and we're all coping differently. Personally, I've been sacrificing a Funko Pop to Satoshi every week. Satoshi be praised. But prices are lower than ever. If you're an OG like me, that's bad news. Finally, I've been sacrificing a Funko Pop to Satoshi every week. Satoshi be praised. But prices are lower than ever. If you're an OG like me, that's bad news. But if you're new to the game, this is the perfect time to start surfing the ledger and making fat stacks in the crypto space. So here we go.

The two easiest ways to get your toe dipping in the crypto market so you can start flipping in the crypto market. Put on your mining helmet and hodl for dear life. Let's go. Method number one, the exit bag. This one's pretty simple, guys. You're just going to need a helium tank, a plastic bag, and some duct tape. Pretty basic, certified, scrub-proof. I recommend purchasing the Balloon Time helium tank from Target.com.

Retails for $20.99, comes with its own hose. It's your one-stop shop for success in crypto. And I highly recommend you pick one of these up, guys. Link in description. Thank you. seal. Then, to start mining your digital gold, just place the bag over your head, pull that drawstring, and turn that tank up to 11. Method number two, cop by cop. Now this method is a little more high risk, high reward, but we didn't come to the crypto playground to sit in the swings. We came to hodl through the slides, climb the all-time highs, and dismount

into the glorious wood chips of G-G-G-Gains. For this method, you're going to need directions to your local police station, dark clothing, and a water pistol spray-painted black. Now, due to federal law, I can't go into too much detail about this method, guys. I know. Weak. But you can find all the info you need to get in on this on the Tor Hidden Wiki

if you just Control-F Charles Whitman, the originator of the cop-by-cop method, Big Ups Poppy Whitman. That's about it for this week, guys. Good luck to all my Kryptonians out there. This is the first of an ongoing series of videos on copying methods, so make sure to subscribe to keep up to date. And in future videos, we'll be breaking down the bridge hack,

the bath time forever method, and of course, the infamous gun show loophole. But what method do you want me to cover? Let me know in the comments down below. And if you're nasty, remember to slap a like on this video, give it a share, and if you see my ex-wife, tell her that this is all her fault. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it's time to hear your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag.

Woo-woo! It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead Send us an email or give us a call Have you ever heard the word about teeth in the dark It's the motherfucking Mean Boss Mailbag

Holy shit I got it so intense so quickly What I love about this is like now this guy in New York is singing a cover of some guy in Philly that made a song for some guys in L.A. It's just a whole beauty. The Internet does bring people together sometimes. It does. All right.

This is a question from at Furpict Oval. Okay, you're definitely going to either have to take Connor's mic or lean right in because I cannot hear you. Yeah, I hear you. Cool. At Furpict Oval asks, what chain of events led you to both being a hilarious motherfucker and piloting the Retard Express? I was going to get hired to work in a paper mill, and I had to sign up through Penske. Good start.

Every job that you're involved with in any way is the most hilariously sad thing it could be. Every Moon Boys listener has a job that existed while ben franklin was alive i so they had to sign up through like penske job hiring thing and then like well what happened was i got hired at this uh funeral home slash like ambulance company to drive there nice you know where the money is because they're a funeral home first at an ambulance provider that's actually well it actually, well, it's like a thing. That's where ambulances started was funeral homes. So it's like just a thing.

And then they said, all right, now what? Now you've done dead people. What if you just did brain dead people? Well, here's my thing. I'll never trust an ambulance driver less than if he also works for a funeral home because I'm like, this cocksucker's getting paid either way. He wants to try to get paid twice. Exactly it.

And they designed the fucking headstones. So it was just like, it was a one-stop shop. Oh, nice. Well, tweet us some of your work i didn't do it i fucking jesus i can't even fucking draw a goddamn fucking square so but uh i went to art school though which is kind of stupid but fucking seems like it didn't work yeah so well you can never get past that squares test ah damn it i'm never gonna make, for real. I used to have to. They made you mat your shit, so you had to cut a square out of your mat board. And I could never do it, and I couldn't get points on any of my shit. Oh, wow.

So I wasn't even wrong with that. Not really. Find a thing that is shaped like a square and then draw around it. Yeah, I had a friend who was an artist, and she was showing me how she makes the canvases with the staples and shit. And I'm like, this seems hard. And then you then you fuck it up and you got to make another one fuck that yeah that's why i do yeah anyway i do verbal art less cleanup so you were gonna get a job at a paper mill and then you just you shifted gears and went to a short bussery yeah basically i i worked

for the ambulance guy but he was a fucking cunt so then like i got fired because i told you guys that story where i dropped the lady off the side of the van right yeah yeah yeah so i mean which actually he didn't fire me for that were you you rosa parks somebody yeah rosa special i kept working for like a month after that but then like he just didn't want to pay somebody extra or whatever anyway so i worked for a different ambulance company and i was fucking annoying he told her that he 86'd her, but she couldn't count that high. So it was a whole fiasco. I dismanied her. But then, so, like, the local...

It's actually, see, I didn't work for the school, like, bringing kids to school on the short bus. I worked for the company that I still work for now, which is, like, adults with disabilities. Gotcha. And we, like, bring them around to, like, work sites and stuff. We have, like, bottle redemption places where they turn bottles in and shit like that. Yeah, I know some of that stuff. More of a drooly Uber than anything else. But I drove bus for a while and then I worked inside one of our facilities.

And then now I supervise a crew of janitors out at a federal border crossing facility. Now I'm the king of the janitors. Jesus fucking Christ. Yes. So, like, yeah, basically that's what I'm doing all day is standing, like, 100 feet outside an ICE office fucking, like, screwing around on my phone while my crew cleans.

What? Yeah, yeah, well, no, Canadian ICE is the real ICE. They actually got the ICE up there. A lot of Mexicans, they got the shaved ice, and it's a great treat. But if you want to talk ice, Canada's got it covered. Our border is just the, like, we clean the cells every day, and nobody's ever been in them. It's so fucking not what they do down south.

I got a pitch for you, Murph. I want you to do a Vice article about the life of a Canadian Border Patrol employee. That would be a funny ironic vice article yeah it's fucking it's it's pretty rad but like fucking the biggest problem comes from because like i said we got the reservation right there and there's an island between the united states and canada that is like neutral territory it doesn't belong to either of them but what is happening right now uh what i accidentally turned my lights off one sec sec. Okay. Well, while you're doing that, I'll ask the next question. At Grape4PE, I got to assume that's GrapeApe, says,

how many times have you broken federal law whilst driving yards around? And then they corrected what yards was supposed to mean. Jesus. You can play the fifth on this if you don't want to answer yeah it's kind of a doozy i've never done like anything that i know of like i said like the whole thing with like that one fucking voicemail that i was being all cloak and dagger wasn't because i was doing anything wrong in the in the act it's because i'm not supposed to be talking about it right because they hit but like you seem like a guy that has weird shit kind of thrust upon him yeah yeah you have an almost tom level of existence where just weird shit falls in your

lap and then you got to deal with it and then it becomes pretty much man yeah you just sort of fall ass backward into batshit predicaments i fucking i grew up with like the fucking doppelganger of keith's mom and my life's just continued to be fucking weird from there oh yeah yeah i mean no we have a we're fucking weird i dude we could go on it's it's fucking weird like seriously like you're like a top and the lady that sets the top go is like your mom it's gonna fucking affect you yeah yeah it's like fucking like i've literally had like incidents at buka de beppo dragging drunk mom out of city walk are you just me from a different timeline and like this is where they cross over yeah pretty much and like fucking hanging out and fucking you also live in a basement posting on fucking tarantino.info that's the weirdest one like of all the weird nerdy-ass shit to have in common. Right. All right. But, yeah.

At Faye Kambani asks, what's the fuck you regret most, and has Connor ever considered going gay for pay? Oh, okay. This is two-party. Yeah, do you have any fucks you regret, Shortbus?

I mean, my ex-wife, just in general, but that was a lot of fucks. This is going to be great for your kid to hear someday oh whatever she knows her mom's a cunt hell yeah yeah she'll never listen to this like no i mean just don't ever fucking marry a goddamn redhead and she's a fucking train wreck she's got oh i mean the allergy shots alone it's like having an old dog every day you got a fucking feeder a bowl full of mashed mashed up Benadryl and cheese. Barely kidding, man.

She was fucking allergic to everything. But like fucking she like she hit the pipe pretty hard after we split up and she ended up having another baby with her stepbrother who's in prison now. You're talking about you're talking about the half pipe. She became a professional skateboarder, correct? She went to the X Games, fucked her brother, and then the rest was gross history. Yeah. She went to the wrong X Chromosome Games. I mean, mine's got to be the dog thing.

But honestly, that led to a pretty great bit on this show. So maybe I don't regret that one as much anymore. Okay. Mine is this girl that came over while my parents were asleep and just had sex with me in my room, and I turned on all the fans, and I just didn't do a good job, and I felt bad, and she's a nice lady,

and I didn't need her pussy, and I wasn't rude, but I just kind of phoned it in. What I love about that is the phrase, I turned on all the fans, because I just picture 90 box fans and her just being blown in a wind tunnel. Well, I had three fans for fucking

to try to drown out the... Give me a little white noise coverage oh yes the sex fans exactly what they were yeah so like it sounded like we were inside of a wind tunnel testing new uh aerofoil designs would you go gay for pay that was also part of that question uh you know i've certainly thought about it but uh i don't i think at this point i'm trying to uh go straight uh so to speak and where i just i'm like all right well you could spend some time on this get rich quick scheme or you could just try to make money to being a comedian which you do anyways that's also something you like to do that you know whatever and like the amount of money they would have to offer you to make you do gay shit is like more than the weird lecherous gay pornography industry is going to throw at you well i mean i've been i've

had gay for pay offers in my inbox that I didn't follow up on recently, so I've kind of put my money where my mouth is on this. Like, after Roast Battle, this guy was like, I want to buy nude photos of you for my private collection. And I'm like, maybe I can get this guy on the hook for some money. And then I was like, nah, fuck it, no. That's not how I went. My mom didn't

want me to be a fucking webcam guy. Like, let's, you know. Another thing we don't have in common. Tom, most regretful. I don't really have one that sticks out. Really? You regret them

all equally? Yeah, I regret them. I have general anxiety with all fuck. Yeah. All fuck freaks me out. Enjoy until over and then spiral. spiral yeah i've never i've never like to talk to tom after he had sex and he's like feeling great everything's fine it's always like well this made me wonder what the true meaning of death is yeah okay yeah i get very depressed the next day you're pretty young bud wait until you get a little bit older and

your shit stops working man because that brings a whole new level of fucking want to die after you know oh yeah when you can't get it up that's a rough one yeah yeah that's not the problem it's when it goes down it will be hard time well i can tell you where i got my roast battle viagra if you want to give that a shot i i've never usually have the problem at home but it's like you know with like extracurriculars like you usually end up either getting a thumb it in or you're just like fucking muff diving for fucking six hours. No, this is what I want to do. That means you're a good man because you feel guilty.

You're like, oh, no, I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah, we can do whatever. You're eating for guilt. It's like a Catholic thing where they give you the bread. I've had that before where I can't get hard and I have a big dick and it won't get hard and I could never figure out how to explain that specific pain. And then I saw Infinity War and the whole thing is like the Hulk just won't turn into the Hulk even though he's the Hulk. And I'm like, oh, yeah, there it is. Yeah.

That tracks for me. What else we got? At Lucky's here or at Josh Mang one, I should say his. What do you think is the scariest thing happening right now? Oh, a climate change. The world suddenly being cool with fascism, or maybe even California just always being on fire. Or maybe just what are your predictions for the worst thing to happen in the next five

years? Ooh. Yeah. Worst thing to happen. I'm not unconvinced that there won't be an alien false flag event. You've run this theory by me a few times. My dad's also on this page. I'm not.

I'm not. It's not likely, but I could see it going down. Yeah, climate change. That one's going to be fun. I've been talking about this on stage. But what I'm excited about is when coastal America floods and we have to move in with middle America and work that shit out like a 90s sitcom together. And it's like, hey, Salt Lake City, meet your wacky new neighbor, L.A. And then we all just come in on bird scooters, just blowing jewel smoke in the Mormons' faces

and trying to grow weed in Idaho. And that's when we're going to either sink or swim as a country and as a people, is when we all are just, we turn the entire country into a Facebook argument with the population density of Hong Kong centered around Omaha, Nebraska. Then we're going to find out whether or not this great American experiment has really got legs. Yeah. So that is pretty scary.

That's that's coming down the pipes. What freaks you out? I think it's going to be like Trump pulling some Caesar shit and fucking declaring like all elections suspended because he's going to do that or just to get into or just like be like, I'm not. You could also not run again after he's he's having a rough time. I think either is possible. Yeah, but he's been having a rough time since the day this whole thing started,

and he just kind of keeps plowing. Yeah, but there hasn't been an election since the day it started. I mean, there was the midterms. Right, but he wasn't running in that. No, but yeah, I see what you're saying. I don't think he'll not run. Yeah, no, I think either of those things are possible. I could see him taking his ball and going home, you know?

I don't know. I think that was too much like losing for him, though. Maybe. I don't know. I think he just, you don't deserve me. I'm too cool. You guys didn't like any of my great ideas. My name's too big.

I'm going to go be the president. Yeah, and then he's just going to be like, oh, it's the fucking Democrats won't let me do it. And then he can just fucking be a martyr forever until he fucking dies. Yeah. Well, yeah. can just fucking be a martyr forever until he fucking dies yeah well yeah i mean what he what he would be now is he would basically be like a modern barry goldwater where they just go to him for like a super hardcore conservative you know fun take on everything when they uh when shit breaks and he could he would just be sort of like this you know a weird cult figure if he did that

which would be great because he would be out of everyone's hair yeah that would honestly be the best i mean he's more excited about the fucking Fox News show he's going to have after he's done being president. Well, that was the whole shit. He had all these patents for Trump TV around the election, so he had this backup plan. If he won, he was going to say it was all bullshit and just make a billion dollars just going on TV and doing like the O'Reilly factor, but it's him. And now he actually has to do it, which is kind of funny. All right, so we got a real upsetting tweet that I'm waiting for further information on.

But it's at RebelWinter101 posted a picture of a newborn baby and said, Our wife had the baby October 30th to a beautiful baby girl. My wife was drugged up on pain meds and fell asleep. Guess who named the kid? That's right, me. Want to guess what I named her? So I followed up, but I'm assuming this kid has some sort of terrible Mean Boys related name. Oh, no. And I'm very worried. Yeah.

So I'm introducing that now in case we get response before we wrap up this one. In the meantime, Dub Truck Funk says, What's the worst meal you've ever had? Bonus question. Worst non-food item that you've ever put in your mouth? Ooh, non-food item. Probably grass. I heard none

of that, by the way. Oh, terrific. What's the worst meal you've ever had, and what is the worst non-food item you've ever put in your mouth? I had a weed as a child. You ate a weed? Yeah. What kind of weed, Tom? Just one I found.

I found a weed, and I ate the weed, and I'm like, ah, that doesn't taste like celery. And then I said that, yeah. Oh, yeah, I never told you about that month I was a trans goat. Were you hoping for celery? I was like, fine. I remember this. I go, you know what?

We have vegetables. Someone had to be the first person to try the thing. I should try. Like, it's fucking nine. Like, I can't get her to eat celery for shit man maybe it's a secret vegetable that no one's just put in their mouth yet and then i mean i did the same thing with the battery once and i fucking it wasn't yeah it ended up being not good i i ate a plastic bag one time when i was like five okay i remember like looking at my poop trying

to see it you're trying to poop at it, you were trying to give your dog a parachute? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was trying to like just have it come out like fucking individually wrapped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, he fun-sized it. Yeah, yeah. I've licked a lot of batteries as a thing.

And that's just his ex-girlfriend. Hey, I tell you. Hey, yeah. What's the worst food I've ever eaten? I did try to explode a battery. It didn't work. I used to hammer. I drank milk that was like three weeks expired one time.

That was pretty gross. For me, it's honestly the soup. The soup sucked so bad. Dude, it was good soup. No, it wasn't. I hated it. Fucking infant. I mean, I like soup, but it's never like, oh, sweet, get me some soup.

I don't even love soup. I'm definitely the biggest soup fan soup. I don't even love soup. It's just weird to hate it this much. I'm simply the biggest soup fan on the show. Soup is good. Having any intense feeling, pro or con, soup is weird to me. Yeah. You know, if I lost all soup in my life, it wouldn't devastate me, but I'd be upset. Yeah.

Yeah. The non-food thing I've eaten the most of would be every accessory that came with a Ninja Turtles action figure from 1987 to 1992. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. I would eat the little... You remember the G.I. Joes that had the punch-out weapons? Yeah. Yeah, I would eat those constantly.

I was like, oh, there's a little bowl of Fat Kid Trail Mix. Well, if I eat the gun, I become G.I. Joe. I have a gun in my stomach. Then I shit bullets. Yeah. Then I'll be able to have a fucking Gatling gun in my chest, like a Gundam. Yeah. Worst meal I've ever eaten.

Fucking probably. I was real fucking stoned once and fucking cooked up some shit with some black beans and rice. And I think there was, like, some, like, frozen chicken fingers and some calamari. And I think I threw some hot sauce steak sauce fucking peas everything up until the squid entered the equation sounded fine oh yeah actually I don't remember what was in it that's a that's a that's a

carny gumbo for sure that's a recipe that recipe is handed down you know just it's written on the bottom of one of those rubber ducks you try to throw a ring on and you know all right gray one, that one has the gumbo on it. I'm getting an update about the baby was named Lillian. So thank God.

I guess he wanted to name the baby Gundam. But the woman said absolutely not. Oh, wow. Well, shout out to the hospital employees. Yeah. I just remembered one time I found sour candy spray. I was like, hey, who whose sour candy spray is this? And everyone ignored me.

So I ate it, and it was perfume. Ah. I like that you thought it was some sour candy spray, which I don't know totally exists. It does exist. Oh, it does. I've had it. I mean, I believe it, but perfume is the way more common product. Yeah.

Well, Tom was like, I can't believe Calvin Klein got into sour candy spray. This is going to be the sour candy sprays this is gonna be the luxury candy spray i've been looking for it was all like pink and purple and bubble letters and i didn't read it who the fuck see here's the thing i'm kind of with tom on this because i remember being a young lad in the full flush of puberty and every little teenage girl was going over to fucking claire's boutique and getting that like watermelon fucking gummy bubble gum body spray and shit i was 16 or 18 no one claimed the sour candy i wasn't going to continue to uh see if someone else wanted it because i wanted it and then yeah and it was perfume it tasted like wine it was fucking gross wine is disgusting that's the thing about guys we

don't read shit before we eat it or take it like with medicine like i like i was like there's a girl that was sick in my house and i was like well i got some uh zofran for the nausea and some pepto-bismol and maybe take an advil and she's like can you take any of those things together did you read the box and i'm like i never thought about it at all i just throw shit down whatever all right yeah i've done lines of stuff i didn't know what it was and that's bit me a few times I never thought about it at all. I just throw shit down, whatever. Yeah, I've done lines of stuff I didn't know what it was, and that's bit me a few times, you know.

Oh, yeah? You ever find out it was something crazy? Like, one time it was either, like, heroin or some fucking medicinal version of that, but, like, I spent, like, a week just having the shivers and a bunch of sores on my scalp, so... Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. Yikes. That's,'s like one of the worst places yeah yeah i don't know it was it was odd it was it was an odd experience but i mean you know if somebody's laying one out for you you're

not gonna ask questions yeah you don't you want to be rude yeah uh last question and then we'll wrap it's like having dinner at a foreign person's house. It's like, okay, the purple goop is good? Sure. I believe you, I guess. This is big in Borat's country? Whatever you say. Josh Heminger on Facebook wants to know, I want to know Shortbuzz Murphy's aspersions in life, which I don't know if that's the word he meant, music you like and dogs you find most attractive.

Okay, so the things you hate, your favorite music and dogs you want to fuck. By the way, Tom stood up and started stretching as though he was like man what was this puppy doing anything for you himself his shirt says bulldogs too which is what makes it the most unsettling oh yeah you're trying to rep for the bull like this is my grandpa's high school in boscoville wisconsin quick story nobody cares i was uh i was over at uh my mom's house for thanksgiving with my girlfriend and we were High School in Boscoville, Wisconsin. Quick story. Nobody cares. I was over at my mom's house for Thanksgiving with my girlfriend, and we were sitting on

a porch, and my mom has two dogs, and they were running around being all playful. And I'm sitting there trying to talk to my mom on the porch, and behind her, I just see the big, huge bulldog just brutally fucking this other dog. Missionary style, which I had never seen dogs

like they're really getting weird on it like at one point one dog is sideways but like relentless and i'm like trying to talk to my mom about like family like oh yeah we don't really talk to our brother anymore but you know we still love and you see dog nuts dog nuts so i watched a lot of canine sodomy uh anyway you're you are the expert i am you set me up i am not a dog person in the fucking slightest like i i'm like dexter man dogs can sense my evil so they usually alter you a hamster guy you look like you just don't like dogs i don't know you look like more of a bunch of dead cats guy can you confirm you look like uh some of a raccoon you found under the porch type of fella

having a pet just means i have to come home at night so yeah i got kids for that you do seem like you'd make jewelry out of some kind of endangered species you're like oh i got bald eagle toe rings i fucking almost killed an eagle once when i was living in saint cloud florida like fucking buzz my windshield and i about shit myself not because i was worried about damage to the car but just because if you kill a fucking eagle they find you like a fuck ton of money oh really yeah my mom almost ran over a bald eagle once why do eagles have a better lawyer than me i don't like that i like the idea that if you kill an eagle you go to eagle court so it's like you're in a court but it's just the lawyers and the judge and the people watching are all different eagles i wrote a whole tv show for 45 cents an hour and

no one said boo but an eagle gets a fucking toothache and all of a sudden it's a federal case i don't like that one bit uh but to uh circle back on that question my uh music i listen to i'm fucking i couldn't even like literally like when i say i listen to everything i don't mean like when people listen to like all three things on the radio like a fucking like relentless hipster music geek fan but like most of my favorites are like either like tom waits and warren zeevon and fucking joni mitchell yes oh yeah and fucking or like just like punk stuff rancid and fucking ajj and i've been into ramshackle Glory lately and shit. And then I listen to a lot of the jam band shit.

I've been really into this bluegrass jam band called Kitchen Dwellers. They're from Bozeman, Montana. They fucking shred. They're really good. Oh yeah, Keith Ray's new band. I want to check them out. They're honestly not bad.

The Oxycon Pickers. Everybody should go check them out on Spotify or iTunes or whatever. Sounds like you're coming back on. Yeah. Stay tuned. We have to discuss that, but I have some ideas. I want to find the middle ground between the folk punk and the hippie folk shit and fucking actual singer-songwriter shit, and that's kind of where I try to make my music. I assume they meant aspirations and not aspersions yeah but

yeah that's i mean like i fucking i'm 33 and i got kids and shit jobs so i don't really have like a lot of like hope for life but yikes i do i do like to fucking play music and shit i've been trying to lucky flamingo is the name of my music project. It's a band. I'm just the only one in it. Okay. We'll link it in the show notes. People got to check it out.

Yeah. And I mean, here's the weird silver lining to that incredibly depressing Willie Loman ass thing you just said. It's like, you know, now that you know it's not going to be a career and you've got your other life going on, now you can just make shit because you want to make. Yeah. You can just enjoy it. You don't have to worry about other shit. Yeah. No, just enjoy it. You don't have to worry about other shit.

No, I don't worry about people on the Discord saying that you used to be funnier. I don't enjoy it in the fucking slightest is the thing. I'm doing it out of spite because I got kicked out of the band I was in before and now I can't let them win. Even better. I don't know, man. Just go be happy then.

Just go start an ultimate Frisbee tournament or whatever the fuck someone looks like you touched. No, this is what you said. You thought, okay, all right. I'm 33. I got a dead-end job at the Canadian border cleaning out bathrooms. Let me introduce spite into this equation, and that'll be the rocket fuel that takes me to the – Oh, shit.

Well, man, I think we're close to the end here, man. Thank you so much for coming on the show. This was a party. Thank you guys for having me, man. Yeah, man, I think we're close to the end here, man. Thank you so much for coming on the show. This was a party. Thank you guys for having me, man. Yeah, plug the show one more time. What's up? Plug your dates and everything. Tell us everything you want people to check out.

I'm excited to give some more Short Bus Murphy in my life. Yeah, let me do the rundown on J.T. Haverset's tour, because I'm booking just, like, one of the shows on December 3rd here in Messina, New York. Gotcha, gotcha. Once I pull it up. November 29th, he's at John and Peter's place in New Hope, Pennsylvania. November 30th, he's at the Jacksonian Club in Nazareth, Pennsylvania. December 1st, he's at Mill Hill Basement in Trenton, New Jersey. December 2nd, he's at Murder Train in Kingston, New York.

December 3rd is the show I'm booking at the Del Mar in Messina New York that's free come on down and hang out with me especially if you live in like either like Ontario or Quebec you're pretty close to me it's just cross the border for a night come hang out if anybody in Burlington Vermont knows where we can throw him a gig December 4th hook that up

because it kind of fell through December 5th he's at the Shaskine in Manchester, New Hampshire. And December 6th, at the Trigger House in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. December 7th, at Baxter Brewing Company in Lewiston, Maine. And December 8th, at the Comedy Loft in Chicopee, Massachusetts. So if you're anywhere near any of those shows, go check that out, because I'm kind of doing this on his behalf.

Cool, man. Yeah, and you're going to be at all those locations, too? No, I've got to be at work. I'm probably going to be at the one that I'm booking, and possibly if we can manage to make something happen in Burlington that week, I'll be in that one. But I just wanted to plug his shit, because any Mean Boys fans would fucking love some JT Iversap.

Absolutely. And go listen to Flamingo Aids or whatever your band's called. Lucky Flamingo on Facebook, at Flamingo Lucky on Twitter because Twitter's fucking stupid and flip my shit around on me that sounds like a brand of cigarettes they're not allowed to sell anymore Flamingo Lucky's kid tested kid created kid approved yeah it was it was pretty much like it was inspired by fucking uh like a van morrison song and i was just like coming up with it and then fucking i asked my buddy i had like a couple of different options i ran by and he was like i don't know lucky flamingo sounds like a shitty dive bar in florida i'm like that's where i'm from that's perfect that's what i am yeah oh yeah oh yeah dude

awesome man thank you for coming on uh do we have anything we got to plug in? I got shows and stuff. We'll talk about it in the intro. Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. All right. So we got to figure out how to do this fuck everything, God is dead with the delay. So maybe when I get to two,

you just start saying it, and then we'll just say it after three. We'll see if that works. Okay. All right. One, two, three. Fuck everything see if that works. Okay. Alright. One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. Kinda. We kinda got it.

Kinda. Kinda. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace. Sending in grace.