Mean Boys - EP 167 - Jeb-O-Rama III (feat. Mike Lawrence)

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys  Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Mike Lawrence on Twitter: twitter.com/TheMikeLawrence Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Snark, snark. Snark, snark. Rivers Langley joins us for what I think is our best bonus episode ever. And I agree with that. I'm not just saying that because a lot of your cards got declined and went down. We're going to drop a little snippet of it in the middle of the episode because we want you guys to hear it. But it's fucking mad. Yeah, it's great. We find out about this disgraced weatherman and how he makes his comeback. It's fucking awesome. Cocaine.

Blood sport. Gay people in New Orleans. But yeah, Mike was also A great guest Follow him on Twitter At the Mike Lawrence And listen to his album Mega Man Child A couple of bits

Of Snark Week business And festivities To get out of the way We decided we're gonna get We're making these new beanies Right we're making these These meanies We're gonna call them

Yeah They're really cool We just We bought all the beanies We got all the patches Coming in And we're gonna turn the house Into a sweatshop

And assemble them And we'll post a picture. We'll do the Mean Boys winter lookbook. There are hats that are mean. You'll love them. Yeah. So those will be dropping right around the end of Snark Week. And they'll all be set to ship out by Christmas.

But if you want one before anyone else gets one, the funniest tweets that we get about the show during Snark Week, we'll send you a beanie. We'll get your information so if you if you guys if you think of something rude to say about us just go ahead and make that photoshop of keith as the jack-o'-lantern or whatever it is and send it our way because you might win a free beanie yeah and and we encourage you to reference things that we've talked about on fucking snark week shows and fucking the the photoshop things i don't know absolutely internet works but yeah yeah started that sentence so confidently. Yeah, well, then I was like, oh, shit, the World Wide Web is pretty intimidating

to me, but you guys are really good at it, as of all the Photoshop things of me coming on other things, so I appreciate you guys. Yeah, we'll get red at all those places. It's over funny shit. We'll keep it vague. You don't have to hashtag Snark Week, I don't think.

You don't have to. Youark Week, I don't think. You don't have to. You should. All right, cool. I guess you could. Yeah, Snark Week. I've been hashtagging every post about Snark Week. I just think hashtags look ugly and no one is searching hashtag Snark Week for Mean Boys. Maybe other Mean Boys people might.

They might, actually. So I don't know. You could do it. Don't use hashtag Snark Week. Your own discretion. How about that? That's your own discretion. And then you'll get a beanie.

All right, this is your way to vote for... This is the most complicated beanie commercial that's ever been done. We're about to get 4,000 tweets from three people. Yeah. That's why I was like, we can go through it. It'll be more than three, but yeah, do that. That's a good idea. Some people are going to submit a lot.

Look, if you like Keith the most, hashtag snark. If you like Connor the most, don, do that. That's a good idea. I know, but I think some people are going to submit a lot. Look, if you like Keith the most, hashtag snark. If you like Connor the most, don't hashtag anything. Or Dork Homunculus is like, oh, just one submission for me. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the listeners. Yeah, and this is also a great time to tell a friend about the show. If you haven't done that or you haven't done it in a while, we'd appreciate it.

Just be like, hey, these guys I like are doing this goofy thing. Check it out. Yeah, this week is going to be, if today's any indicator, real apeshit. It's us. Yeah. Sweeps week, you know. We're trying to build awareness of the whole operation. We're drumming it up.

Speaking of which, you can still leave us an iTunes review. We haven't decided on the next goal, but we're sitting at 426 right now. Pretty respectable for this little mom and pop operation. It's not bad at all. No. Help me. Five stars. I'm weirdly attracted to Tom Goss.

How do you like that? I think we already read that one. Oh, I think we did. Well, we're reading it again because I don't think there's any new text reviews since last week when I read the one where the guy said he stopped listening, which I probably should have picked another one anyway. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. That's the charm of it is that I don't put up a – I consider myself a man of the people. There's no wall between me and the quote-unquote audience.

I'm just – this is my – I'm being myself. And hopefully that is enjoyed. So that's going on. There's a Discord channel and a Reddit if you want to dig deeper into the conversation with the other kind of people that would like this show. I believe Buffoon from Lagoon is doing some sort of Q&A in the subreddit. Buffoon from the Lagoon is on one in the Discord. He's teaching people how to do DIY dentistry with crushed up aspirin and sour match whiskey.

Oh, no way. Hell yes. He's like, you have a toothache. Here's what you go. Go to the gas station. It really kills off the rails. And then they also got a lot of King of the Hill Gundam memes. It's mostly a King of the Hill subreddit.

So, I mean, you can get in there and enjoy it. Enjoy the Discord. All the links for that are a king of the hill subreddit. So, I mean, you can get in there and enjoy it. And join the discord. All the links for that are in the show notes where they always are. And real quick, just follow us on Twitter, Instagram, like us on Facebook and subscribe to our YouTube channel. YouTube is almost up to a thousand subscribers,

which is the number at which I feel comfortable making the subscriber count public as to not look shitty, which I share with you, our dear listener. And the Vegas vlog is up there as along with all the other Mean Boys vlogs. Yeah, you can binge all those vlogs, watch Tom's Vegas editing, where he magically turned an evening where we did nothing into a kind of funny vlog.

Yeah, it was overwhelming. Yeah, Tom magically found a way to walk through the city of Las Vegas with a camera strapped to his head and not look at one interesting thing. Yeah, so check that out and enjoy the bonus episode with Rivers Review on Patreon. If you're not, it's $5

a month for weekly bonus content. $10 a month for monthly goodies. This month we don't know what we're doing yet. We're working on it, but the buttons from last month are coming in Tuesday and will be shipped out the same day. So enjoy those as they come in. Other than that, I think that's all the business out of the way, right?

Oh, if you're in Los Angeles, come to the Comedy Store Tuesday night to roast battle. I'm going to be fighting for the first time in a little while. I'm fighting Doug Fager, very funny dude. Yeah, that line is phenomenal. I think I'm going to go just hang out. Oh, yeah. My former Mean Boys guests on that show, Nicole Buchanan, Robin Tran, Leah Kajanian, come on. Yeah, if you want to just hang out and make me look cool in front of other comedians, you can

go ahead and do that. Yeah, that would be good. I'm at the Rec Room December 21st with Keith co-headlining 28th and 29th. I'm in Canada at the Windsor Comedy Festival. Come through Canucks. I want to meet some Canadian Mean Boys people. I want to see what kind of

shenanigans you guys are up to Because the The Connell U.S. Mostly carnies and factory workers As we've discovered But the Canadians I still don't know And then next year

In January First week Laughs Unlimited and SAC Second week San Diego Madhouse Comedy Club And the fourth week of January I'm back in Fresno Ugh

So come see me But with all that out of the way Just sit back Relax and enjoy This week's episode with Mike Lawrence. Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Memories.

They're just real- life trauma DVD skips. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Mike. Oh wait, no, you're Spam Lee. That was what I was going to say. That's not the greatest.

Yeah, starting off to a stumble. Yeah. Well, that was a great three guys try to walk into a door at once. That Spam Lee joke was so bad, I assume it's the one thing he actually wrote. Somewhere in, I was going to say heaven, but let's be realistic, hell. Jack Kirby's just like, nope, not for me. No, Jack's in heaven. You think so?

He created it. Well, yeah, God was like, well, I saw what you did to your wife, but the Kirby Crackle, it's an aesthetic that'll last forever. There is actually... Kirby Crackle, it's an aesthetic that'll last forever. There is actually... Kirby Crackle is actually the best streaming service. They have the new Joe Dirt where he gets the Soul Stone. It's very good. RIP to Kirby Seeso.

No, there's an issue of the fantastic... Well, what happened with Kirby Seeso is Kirby Amazon Prime sucked it up and just regained the DJ Arson Groudwork show. Can Mike finish this thought? They didn't say they were going to cut me off beforehand, so I'm prepared.

No, there's a Fantastic Four issue where the Thing dies and the other Fantastic Four members have to go to heaven to get him back and take him out of heaven. And they meet God, and God is Jack Kirby, and Jack Kirby fixes him and they go back. Oh, that's adorable. Here's the question. When he's in heaven, is he the Jack Kirby, and Jack Kirby fixes him, and they go back.

Oh, that's adorable. Here's the question. When he's in heaven, is he the thing still, or is he just back to being Ben Graham? He's back to being Ben Graham, and they're like, become an orange monster for us again. Oh, yeah, what an awesome idea. He's like with his brother that he lost. He's like, this is wonderful. Look, Jews don't believe in heaven. I already caught a break here.

Fuck me over. Yeah, goodbye, skin and family members. I've got to go get beat up a bunch. Boy, what a great life. Got to get with fisticuffs with Blastar. No, that is not as good as my favorite Fantastic Four issue, is where Johnny Storm and Peter Parker are roommates, and Johnny Storm is the bad roommate.

The John Hickman filler issue where he's just like, you put a portal to the negative zone in the closet? What are you johnny and he's like sorry and he drives off in a hot rod exactly it's fucking wonderful the best issue with them is my favorite single issue of all time spider-man human torch number three where they're working on uh a car like they're working on the spider mobile because peter doesn't know how to drive and so johnny's helping him and they're just talking at everything and he's like how you doing you know he's like so what do you have any girl troubles and spider-man just goes yeah a guy just threw my girlfriend off a bridge last week it's like right after that oh that's great each issue takes place in a different era

and that's the one the 70s oh they defeat the Red Ghost later on by stopping him with Hostess Fruit Pies. It's the fucking best. That fucking rules. Special guest Bobby Hill using his secret item, the Hostess Fruit Pie. Why does Spider-Man need to drive? Is that what Keith's been doing, just holding off, hoping he gets bit by something powerful? That's what I've been doing. Manipulating open micers for rides.

You've seen this house. I have way more access to spiders than I do a car. That's what I've been doing. I don't drive either. Manipulating open micrometers for rides. You've seen this house. I have way more access to spiders than I do a car. It's true. You went to the basement. You've just been trying. You just cover yourself in honey every night. Sleeping in an open microwave, running, hoping it gets the spiders infected the right way to get me covered.

Yeah, Keith has some sort of Guamanian leukemia now, and he still needs a ride to his chemo. He is proof that with great power comes no respect for your own body. I'm just glad you think I have great power. I'm the fourth funniest person on this podcast. The quote was too important for me to paraphrase both parts of it. I got it. This is the holy text. I hate to break it to you, Keith. We're playing voicemails later, so you might be the fifth funniest. It actually is. I got it. This is the holy text. I hate to break it to you, Keith.

We're playing voicemails later, so you might be the fifth funniest. Oh, shit. I genuinely, like, this is how big of a nerd Mike is, is when I saw Stanley died, my first thought was, oh, I hope Mike's okay.

I had the same thought, where I'm like, every time there's comic book news, I just pray for your wife, and I go, okay, let my God guide her through this, like he has before Eminem did a Venom song

Oh no it's gonna be You're just in the fetal position drinking cocoa Why? I was sad the first day and then I legit Got angry at all the people who gave him all the credit And that's been it since Eminem? No no

No Stan Lee. Slugworth? Like, when people, everyone was trying to get me mad about that Bill Maher article, and the first sentence of it is, so the guy who created Spider-Man and the Hulk passed away,

and I couldn't read the article anymore. I was like, I don't give a fuck what else he says. He was like, Yeah. The fucking dork turbines started running. Those just weird pics too like all right spider-man sure probably the most iconic marvel character and then you go the hulk you know i love the hulk too but i mean you probably you pick someone more ubiquitous yeah spider-man and the fantastic four

at writ large or the avengers or whatever you're gonna say well i do i do love his whole thing was that he's like you know comic books are something you're supposed to like as a child and then give up on. And it's like, yeah, that's how I feel about marijuana and telling people there isn't God. Bill Maher's made that work for 50 years. A thing you were supposed to love when you're an adolescent and then grow out of.

That's how I feel about Bill Maher. You know, when you're 14, you're like, this guy gets it. And then you grow one pube and you're like, oh, that guy's an idiot. What made more people want to vote for trump the iron man movie or religious like you tell me yeah yeah i would just like to write in fuck that movie on every direction from now the creation museum i went on a day with a lot of these guys i went on a day with a girl we go back to her house and she puts on bill maher and i'm like, oh, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. My favorite is this theme song, which is just Kid from Kid

and Play going, Bill Maher. Just saying his name over and over again. We couldn't afford Play. The liberal guy. Play is too in love with Jesus. It's like, I'm not giving him up. God damn, I heard a great Bill

Maher backstage story that I probably can't tell, but I'll tell you off the air. Yeah, we, I'm not giving him up. Goddamn, I heard a great Bill Maher backstage story that I probably can't tell, but I'll tell you off the air. Yeah, we'll talk about that without the mic. That's been the hardest part of crawling my way to the most small degree of relevance in show business is not being allowed to tell everybody the funny things I know about, you know, Ari Melber. Wait, someone found the clothespins that hold his face back?

He turns into just a sharp head. No, he buys in bulk big rolls of racist Asian eye tape that he uses that he hides underneath his thinning hair. I like that they're competing brands. Like, oh, Ching Chong, 40% more racist. Well, I buy exclusively from AnthonyKumia.com with promo code COMPOUND for my Asian eye tape. They have a wonderful deal. Good wholesaler. I mean, he said the one good, honest thing about the terrorists not being cowards in 9-11,

and it's been all downhill since then for me. Do you have a nice Thanksgiving? Do you go back to see the folks? The wife's family came here. Oh, cool. Yeah. I had a nice thing. I have the most darling little white family.

It's just everybody. There's my two blonde cousins that work at Johnny Rockets and go to school. Right. And they're just nice, you know, and it's just like, oh. And then I'm like, you guys want to hear about when I told Hitler what to say? Yeah, but they work at somewhere that's like the 1950s so they could be themselves. I'm sure you guys get along. Yeah, a 50s themed anywhere is a great place for a McSpadden.

I really believe that this- We told you where to sit, sir. The subtext of Johnny Rockets really is, hamburgers tasted better during segregation. We can't say it, but we can say it. You know what I mean? You come in and you're like, oh, it's just nice to be in a place. You know what I'm saying. It's nice.

Look, the job's not bad, but when they make me clean the third bathroom, I get a little upset. Oh, yeah, the one up back by the dumpster with the roaches? I remember when I was a kid. My black friend ordered an old-fashioned at Johnny Rock's. They made him drink it out back. It was very rude. I remember when I was a kid, I was like, oh, they get their own separate bathroom? That doesn't seem so bad.

And I realized it's just a bucket. It's basically what I have. It's like, oh, they don't got to wait in line? That's pretty good. We have a bucket. You throw it out the window that leads to the street to your neighborhood. So it's a perfect ecosystem. It's such a funny thing, too, because obviously you shouldn't segregate bathrooms.

But it's just so funny to think of the guy who's like, no, I want to pee next to all the people that hate me. I just want to take my dick out near a bunch of rays. A lot of guys can't pee if you're talking to them. I can only pee if I'm being glared at. So as soon as I walk in, I have a fart machine I play. I've got different techniques.

I can't do the urinal. I get stage fright. If it's other people, I can't do it. Really? It's not fright. If it's other people, I can't do it. Really? It's not a homophobia or anything. It's just the being that close. It just makes me nervous. Yeah.

Yeah. I have that, too. You get the awkward thing where you can't pee, and you're like, well, how long do I have to stay? Yeah. That's it. So it seems like I peed. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're just like, well, maybe he'll think that I'm just hitting the wall where the water's not so he can't hear the sound.

Exactly. But a lot of time it's air conditioner quiet in those fucking buildings. So he knows that you're just like gun shy. You got to wonder if the other guy is listening, thinking like, I bet he's not peeing or if he's just sort of like, I'm not thinking about this because I'm OK. Yeah. Especially if it's on set. It's like people I work with and I'm like, there's the guy who thinks he has to pee but can't. You don't have that reputation.

I won't shit in public, generally. And I had to get over that so hard for the writer's room because I'm there for 15 hours a day. I'm going to have to shit a bunch. Yeah, and you're doing nothing but eating granola bars and black coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have Crohn's disease, which means I only ever shit in public. I haven't shit in my own house. I've shat my pants seven times this year

and i'm proud of that number well yeah because three more you get a free pair that's the promise that levi's makes free pair and the subway sandwich that caused it yeah i had a horrible perpetual emotion machine where i would like have diarrhea from eating at the taco truck and was too poor for toilet paper so i'd be wiping my ass with napkins I stole from the taco truck and I'm like this is a horrible like freaking economy I've created for my butthole here yeah this is I literally like my condition is to the point I've had to like jump out of cars and just run like you're a like you're a detective just follow that. I went to the red light, but still, I've had to leave friends' cars. And it's just, eh.

I like the idea that you don't say why that's happening. So somebody's driving you somewhere, you just bolt. And they're like, is Mike turning into a werewolf? I didn't know until I got health insurance two years ago. When he found out, he just started telling people he was a doctor. And he's always on call. And he's like, oh, that's my pager. I've got to go.

His heart valves. I'm a superhero who doesn't help anyone. Shithouse MD. This man keeps more janitors employed than you could ever dream of, son. All right? He's a good man. Well, that's good to see you, man. You're one of our favorites, and I can't wait to see what you've written for our next segment,

The Mexican Joke-Off. Hi, so topical. Wow. How'd you guys like that? Opaque broadcasting. I love that every time you make an okay segue, you just draw a bunch of attention to it. Actually, I was doing that one, and I was like, this is going to suck. I've started it in such a way, there's no way it's not going to sound clown-chewed,

so let me just make fun of myself there you go I just want to listen to an episode where you have a Mexican person on and like and now the joke off and now that it could be anybody yeah Guatemala you guys don't like that we have had people be like so I just talk about Mexicans like no no like Mexican no, no, like Mexican standoff. Watch a couple Get Smarts and you'll get it. Growing up in South Florida, it was so hard to figure out the inner Latino hatred. Do you know? Right.

That it's all like the Venezuelans hate the Argentinians. It's like Game of Thrones. You can't keep track of it. What are the Lannisters doing? They got a problem with the Puerto Ricans now? No way. But they all solve it with soccer. That's their Game of Thrones. You can't keep track of it. What are the Lannisters doing? They got a problem with the Puerto Ricans now? No way. But they all solve it with soccer. That's their Quidditch.

It's really South American Quidditch. There was a very loud Spanish domestic situation happening next door last night. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. We have a loud Spanish domestic situation. It was clearly a couple arguing really loud. One point I literally heard a woman go, Dios mio!

And I'm like, they actually say that? Ma'am, your joke-off is getting in the way of our standoff. It was like half a step away from her just going, Ay caramba. I couldn't believe that was a real thing. Did someone leave an Old Simpsons on too loud? What's going on over there? She just weeps sometimes.

I never know what to do. Yeah, me neither. I don't. They both went back to the honeycomb and everything was fine. Go ahead and leave us a comment on Reddit. Should we get involved in the weeping woman next door situation? I think that's what they want is us. Yeah. It was amazing. As a colonizer, it's my

job to go over there, mediate the situation and convert her to Catholicism directly. When they went after Apu, which I understood why people were upset, but it's like, but Bumblebee Man's fine? I get a pass! Well, it's good for you. You don't have to throw away your Halloween costume.

It's been nine years in a row now, I think, right? I don't think Bumblebee Man even interacts with the other characters. No, he's just kind of a non-sequitur. In the Bumbleverse, he's kind of his own thing. I wonder if they've gotten to the point where the episode where bumblebee man has a drinking problem and lisa has to help him with veganism or something like that out yeah yeah i don't know what if the bumblebee man and the sea captain got married have we done that yet uh some guy goes and checks a spreadsheet yep season 12 he's a bee that they've never even given a bee plot to. Welcome back to the roast of Bumblebee Man here on whatever crackle.

Kirby crackle. Yeah. All right. I'll take us away this week. U.S. Navy Admiral Scott Sterney is dead of an apparent suicide. His daughter took to Twitter to pay tribute to her father saying, You just sunk my Dada ship. He'll be missed.

Yeah, I guess. Alright, what do you got, Tom? Alright, McDonald's touchscreens have tested positive for feces. Bad news for people who are trying to eat those touchscreens. Well, I like to rip it off the wall and use it as a placemat. So I can see the picture

of what the food is supposed to look like after I've been catfished by my Filet-O-Fish. Every time I order off one of those McDonald's touchscreen things, I feel so stupid. There's a guy at the counter 10 feet away. Just staring at you. You're not doing it. You're just waiting for me to push the button here, and then you're gonna

it would be faster if I was just there. We've got a whole human being that's just waiting to die while I iPad him my fries. Can we just give him something to do? I also always feel compelled to order, like, weird shit I would never order off the touchscreen just because I don't feel the judgment of asking for it. Oh, yeah, because you see the option and you're like, I do it. Yeah, I'm just sort of like, they make a triple cheeseburger?

I will get fudge on that pastrami sandwich after all. I think I'd like that. George H.W. Bush has passed away. In a tearful statement, George W. Bush said he will miss his father and hope he has lots of room to run around on that farm upstate. I feel bad that he now has to tell Jeb that Santa's not real. That's gotta be tough.

George Bush's will said, I give all my money to my son George and to my son Jeb, you get to keep having the name Jeb. Please weep. It was amazing. There's your Johnny Cash song, the shitty brother with the dumb name i was so happy watching him fail during the primaries because you know being from florida like he was like our indie band right that you knew suck oh i saw him play for like 12 people he was my pennywise he's been awful on all these comps for years but now

you know man i remember listening to jabba rama-Rama 3. Oh yeah, the conservative compilation. It's like, the Heritage Society presents Punk Goes Red. It's the worst CD you can own. Oh man, that's great. George's last words were, I hope Barbara's gotten that eye thing fixed. Dozens of pilot whales have washed ashore dead off the coast of New Zealand in a mass stranding. Scientists believe they were lost because they were Malaysian Airlines pilot whales. Man, that is the greatest joke of seven years ago.

What is a pilot whale? It's just a kind of whale. Yeah. I've never heard of a pilot whale. Yeah. Yeah, they ride upside down. You guys know all about pilot whales know i like that you're saying that like and i know every whale that's our foremost uh dumb dumb animal facts guy yeah it's it's weird to learn a new species it's a mainstream it's not off-brand it's obscure whale yeah i mean yeah they're on it they're on

an independent label but it's a well-known whale. Yes. I got to get on this indie whale scene. That whale was told that if it beats itself, it would be promised 72 virgins. Man, a dead pilot whale. Who was in it? Tony Danza? I mean, I think they're probably lost. They're freaking drunk.

Am I right, guys? Some other Tony Danza joke more relevant and topical than the Malaysian Air Lines joke. Well, yeah, Tony Danza's still alive. Yeah, right, guys? It's about the Tony Danza joke. More relevant and topical than the Malaysia Airlines joke. Well, yeah, Tony Danza's still alive. He's timeless. Did he just do a show with Josh Groban that got cancelled? I refuse to accept that sentence as a statement of truth. It got cancelled when the two

women that fingered themselves to it were done. I refuse to believe that Groban is not some sort of Harryry potter race that counts the money josh groban i've heard that name a bunch but i don't really know who that is he's a music guy ah yes he's like he's like a guy your mom likes right not my mom but like a mom yeah yeah he's michael buble for women who don't give a fuck yeah yeah what's the yeah what's that guy the chair the image of a chair,

like the wall allegory of the cave, Socrates? A shadow? Yeah, Plato. Yeah, the Platonic mom would enjoy Josh Groban. Worth the hike, Connor. All right. A man is suing British Airways because he allegedly cannot work after being crushed by the obese man who sat next to him for several hours.

Wow, British Airways is a weird thing to call sex with Keith Carey. cannot work after being crushed by the obese man who sat next to him for several hours. Wow, British Airways is a weird thing to call sex with Keith Carey. I like how your confidence wavered as you were delivering the punchline. Oh, yeah. Well, you could tell it's about the bomb because the mohawk starts trembling. The mohawk doesn't slide to center until Tom hits the jump. How do you commit to that haircut but not your punchline? I gave Tom that mohawk, and I feel real bad about how to the left it is. I was looking at the mirror.

I was like, oh, boy. He gave you the JFK. Ooh. Well, the way we do this, we ride him the night before or whatever, and you go to read him the next day, and you're like, oh, that's right. I did forget to buy groceries. There is nothing good in here. The Indonesian government has labeled the LGBT community a public nuisance. This is an outrage, claimed a bunch of people who have apparently never been to a pride parade.

That's the joy of it. Yeah. George Bush died at the age of 94. Two weeks after Stan Lee died at the age of 95, police are still looking into what could connect these two murders. Yeah, just daredevils. Like, there's got to be something, right? And it's like, maybe just a slow week. You know, maybe there's no crimes going on.

No, there is, for sure. All right, a man was caught smuggling $20,000 worth of maple syrup across the Canadian border into Washington. Unfortunately, this means Keith Carey's father has no idea how he's going to finish the batch of his famous pancakes flavored moonshine in time for Christmas. I can't think of a punchline. I just make fun of Keith. You know, I've got a whole world in my head where Keith's dad is a novelty moonshine distributor.

Like that reality show. But what if he met my dad? That seems exactly like something he'd do i mean yeah when there's a premise but no real joke make fun of my friend and go for a bro man i need you here constantly all right uh okay different punchline a man was caught smuggling twenty thousand dollars worth of maple syrup across the Canadian border. It was Mike Lawrence. Is that what you wanted?

His kiddie pool was running low. Boom. He needed lube. Starbucks will now be blocking all porn on Starbucks Wi-Fi streams starting 2019. You hear that? For all of December, you can go jerk off at Starbucks. I have a romantic joke. Using the Wi-Fi to watch porn at Starbucks will be banned starting in January.

Oddly, it will now be mandatory at Dunkin' Donuts. Dude, America comes on Dunkin'. That's just how it goes. Today is the first day of Hanukkah, commemorating the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean revolt against the Seleucid Empire, which personally I don't think ever happened. Are you Jewish, Mike? Yeah. I didn't know that. Practicing?

Not practicing? Yeah, a little bit. You could be Christmas and Easter. Yeah, no. My dad... What is Jewish Easter? You just put up a banner that says we did it? Oh, yeah, mission accomplished on the fucking battleship. My dad, Catholic.

My mom, Jewish. Raised on both. Yeah. So I'm very both. Nice. A hybrid. Yeah, going to Israel for Christmas. Oh, wow.

Just to make sure he's still there. Just to spike the football, you know. I won. Where is your you now? All right, guys. Scalpel blades have been found taped to children's playground equipment at almost a dozen locations. What's going on here? Is the Joker depressed?

This seems lazy for him. An Alabama family has taken their Christmas photo at a Waffle House. Congrats to them on sending the Christmas message every family tries to get across, which is we have no problem being murdered by a tweaker with a wrench in the name of pancakes. I wish there were more words than that. Yeah, I know. Well, that's actually how Keith's dad carries out his terrorist acts in the name of pancakes. There we go.

All right, here we go. A man is being charged $21 for Christmas dinner by his spiteful mother-in-law. He says he plans to avoid the charge by saying Bob Saget three times and returning her to her home world in the hacky 80s comedy premise dimension. Tony Danza! You will be hit with a wooden mallet on a tarp forever. In the khaki 80s comedy dimension. Gallagher Galactus. Oh, God.

All I have to wear is this blazer and the sleeves are so short. What am I going to do? Do I roll it up? I guess I have to. Netflix cancels Daredevil after three sand seasons answering the question what's another thing that makes me cry more than my grandmother's funeral I still haven't seen the third season yeah yeah it's out I almost watched it last night like I'm gonna get high and fall asleep I want to stay up and wait through

it it's good it but bullseye never wears the costume so no pies no three seasons in you think they've bought yeah put him in a goofy outfit no it's really good it it's as good as it as it could be but also iron fist ruined everything and all the ratings just went down no but he got canceled oh good the only one that hasn't been canceled is jessica jones and punisher oh yeah i guarantee you they're both getting canceled i like iron fist but it's a No, but... He got canceled. Oh, good. The only one that hasn't been canceled is Jessica Jones. And Punisher. Oh, yeah. I guarantee you they're both getting canceled. I like Iron Fist, but it's a Japanese fisting competition where it's like, all right, today,

all you have is this rubber glove and a lot of jelly beans. You got to make something happen. The special ingredient is no lube. Going in the dry. No, you just open up the little chafing dish, and it's just a piece of paper that says tears. This thing had their iron fist and defenders. People stopped caring. Yeah, I mean, I stopped caring. It burned people out.

But I feel like Punisher might not get canceled because it's kind of separate from that whole world of the four of them. They're going to kill them all because Disney is launching its own stream. Oh, that's right. Hey, everyone with that haircut has to believe Punisher won't get canceled. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. I want people to know when looking at me, I love Punisher. I bought Tom a Punisher t-shirt. Or did you buy your own?

I forget. I can smell Tom and know he likes the Punisher. I saw Tom in a Punisher t-shirt and I'm like, oh, man, this feels like something that's going to be on the news with, like, 12 dead. At a public library library like some weird tom's gonna get like kramer accused and we're all gonna have to go cover for him and be like no no he's way too dumb to do any of that i thought kramer accused meant something yeah me too 12 people in the five jokes he wrote died today uh is it your turn or my turn? Alright guys, I got a good one here. A new peanut allergy drug is showing

promising results in young children. The drug was invented by your friend Scary Dad and it's called football. A Wendy's employee saved a three-year-old who wandered into a busy street. The employee said she originally didn't see the child and ran into a busy street herself because she's an employee at a fucking Wendy's employee saved a three-year-old who wandered into a busy street. The employee said she originally didn't see the child and ran into a busy street herself because she's an employee at a fucking Wendy's. Burger King said no. Thud.

Dave wants me to. A Tennessee man named Luke Skywalker was arrested for violating probation. At the station, he sheepishly joked, use the force, to which officers replied, we can't. You're white. Utah approves of legalizing marijuana, which makes sense since 420 is the amount of lives

most people have there. We'll legalize weed, but we are not legalizing women voting. Well, let's not get carried away. Well, that was the Mexican Joke Off gang. We'll be right back with more right after this. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Channel 6 Action News. I'm John Howard. My co-anchor, Julie Powers, is out with the flu.

However, I do have a guest with me here today to help me take you through today's news. You know him as the host of Count Spookula's B-movie Graveyard, right here on Channel 6, Saturdays at midnight, and he's the only replacement the station could get on such short notice, so please welcome my co-anchor, Count Spookula. Children of the night, it is I,

Count Spookula, the Transylvanian Terror, the ghost host with the most roast. Believe it or not, before I became the biggest name in locally syndicated B-movie mockery, I received a journalism degree from Northwestern. Oh, is that right? It's true. They taught me the five W's of good reporting. Who, what, when, why, and werewolf! Aha! Great to have you, Count Spookula. Thanks for filling in. Thanks for having me, John. Hope I don't suck.

Aha! Yeah, okay, that's enough of that. We begin tonight with the G20 Summit in Buenos Aires, where world leaders from the 20 most industrialized nations on Earth convened this week to discuss policy. A representative from Egypt says he had a plan to deal with mommies, but

he's keeping it under wraps. No, that's actually incorrect for several reasons. I know you like to have fun, but why don't you just stick to the prompter and save the jokes for Saturday night? Of course, of course. Let's see, let's see. Ah, there we are. The government of Turkey claims to have audio tape

of the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Speaking of murder in a turkey, our creature featured tonight is 1983's The Babysitter from the Black Lagoon. Starred with Janet Fontaine's performance is less convincing

than Saudi Arabia's version of the events surrounding Khashoggi's death. So lock the doors and say your prayers because the movie surrounding Khashoggi's death. So lock the doors and say your prayers, because the movie begins in three, two, one. No, no, it doesn't. It does not. This is not what people tuned into tonight.

This is the news, Count Spookula. You're right. Find this one on VHS instead, kids. It's got boobs in it. No, that's not it. Jerry, can you stop playing that music thing? Mr. Spookula, this was a bad idea. Just sit there quietly. Let me get through this.

We'll take your mic off a commercial. It'll be no big deal. Okay, I'm sorry. Yes, thank you. No need to go batty. God damn it, Jerry. Please continue. Tragedy struck Kennedy High School this week

as senior Stephanie Pruitt was decapitated in a head-on traffic collision. The accident occurred late last night as Pruitt was leaving a house party, and police say drugs and alcohol most likely played a role in the tragedy. Pity. She had such a good head on her shoulders. Let this be a lesson, boils and ghouls. Next time you partake of the spirits, call a boober. Oh, come on, man. What kind of car was she driving?

A Hell Camino? A Mercedes Bones? A child is dead. Oh, nice, Jerry. Real nice. Thanks. I want to know, what kind of car was she driving? Yeah, yeah, Jerry, I see the fucking prompter, and I'm not going to read it.

You know why? Because I'm going to say it, and then Count Chocula over here is going to lose his mind. Fine. Authorities say it was around 2 o'clock a.m. when pruitt drove into the lake and her father's gremlin finally a gremlin that can get wet after midnight you know man i don't come down to your set and fuck with you while you're making fun of the blob or what the shit ever and all my years of broadcast journalism i've never seen anything as disrespectful as what I'm seeing here. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, John.

Hey, yeah, yeah, yes, yeah. Right here. Suck my dick, Count Spookula. Easy, easy. John, it's me. It's Dwayne. I'm not doing the thing. Look, I'm sorry. They called me last minute to do this. I panicked. It's hard for me to get out of the character once I start. I certainly did not mean to disrespect you on your set. Let's just finish this, okay?

Alright, no more schtick. Swear to me there's no more schtick. You have my word. I'm just going to read what's on the prompt, just like you told me. Okay. Wildfires in Northern California continue to do millions of dollars in damage, and emergency personnel are struggling to contain the situation. Residents of the area surrounding the town of

Paradise have been evacuated from their homes. We've actually got one of our reporters at the scene. We go now live to Frank N. Stein in Northern California. We do? Frank, can you tell me what the mood is like there? Wait, wait. Frank N. Oh, god damn it. Well, gentlemen, from where I'm standing,

it appears that FIREBAD! Ah! Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on Boo! Hit the music, Jerry! This is Count Spookula saying, until next time, sweet screams, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.

Fuck it, that's it. I'm going back to bartending school. I love you, Jerry. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. We're going to play a round of one of our favorite games. This is Twitter Shuffleboard. What's going to happen here is I'm going to give you a Twitter username, just the at handle. You're going to have to tell me if that's taken or not.

And if it is taken, you're going to have to see what they tweet about. I got some options here. You're going to have to figure out what this person with this handle would tweet about. All right. So let's start it off easy. Brainlord, but the O is a zero. Is that taken yes i think it's taken and i think it's an account all about blow jobs and how much he likes getting

them oh okay yeah that actually would be a good novelty account let's see if you're right i was thinking the same thing uh let's say it's an overload or overlord a thing that people like overwatch i think you're thinking of as a video game. Okay, well there's no lord in there, so it's not that. There's a movie that just came out called Overlord. Yeah, it's kind of good. Okay. I love watching you whittle away at information that really does nothing to clarify the question.

Yeah, I'm going to say it's taken. Okay. And he tweets about kings. Okay, that is not taken. Brain Lord's still available. Okay. Next one, at sex Kevin. Okay, that is not taken. Brain Lord is still available. Next one, at sex Kevin. What does that take? Man.

Just a guy named Kevin talking about sex. Is he out there? It's the least fuckable name I can think of. Yeah, therein lies the calculus of the game. Is it Kevin that's the pedophile? I mean, probably a bunch of them, but I think you think it's Spacey. Yes. I always mix up

Kevin Spacey and Kevin Bacon, and people have yelled at me for saying Kevin Bacon's a pedophile. Oh, yeah, because Tom went to a party and said, you want to play the Kevin Spacey game?

And it was very poorly received. And then locked the door behind him. Yeah, the six degrees of Kevin Spacey, not as fun of a game. Well, it's hard because he's only got

five fingers, and you can guess what the sixth one is. Alright, Kevin Spacey was an Anthony Rapp who was in Rant. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't do it. Sex Kevin. I think Sex Kevin

is taken. Alright. Tom? I think it's taken and it's a Kevin Spacey parody account. Okay. What do you think? That's what I'd use it for. I think it's a dude that looks like a combination of me and Mike who is being way too nude with nunchucks. Oh, okay. So it's Jeff Ross's private account.

I'm going to say it is taken and also a Kevin James vehicle that I hope to write for. Sex Kevin can't wait. Zoo Jacker. Sex Kevin is taken. He has zero followers, only has one tweet. Now, is his tweet A? Support and subscribe to Mean Boys.

We've done this game before and people have just taken the handle. So like Hitler69420 just tweets Keith News or whatever. So did he tweet A, can anyone tell me where to buy a used car near Reno, Nevada? B, all lowercase letters, no punctuation, where to meet Polynesian singles? Or C, it will take centuries to fix what Obama has done to this country. I'm going to say B. Here's what I wonder is if he actually means Polynesian singles or

if he doesn't remember exactly what polyamorous is. You know all those Polynesian people in Utah. There's a bunch of husky Moana looking broads. I'm lonely and racist. I wanted Samoans, not Samoans. Can I leave this island?

I gotta figure it's the Obama one. Okay, Tom. See, okay. I think B is too on the nose. I think C has words with too many syllables, so I'm going to go with A. Tom is right. If anyone tells me where to buy a used car near Reno, Nevada. I'm furious that that's how you were right.

You're the Kevin whisperer. Well, dude, if you understand a guy named Sex Kevin, nobody does. I remember looking up who had, because I'm at the Mike Lawrence, and I would try to find who had at Mike Lawrence, and it was literally just one tweet like, We still on for hiking next week, Shannon? There was a part of me that wanted to ask for the name, and I was like, that seemed like an important tweet.

Yeah. Did Shannon respond? It's been four years. He still doesn't know if their plans are on. Everybody tweet at Mike Lawrence and demand a follow-up. Because of his hiking plans, Mike has to look down on At Midnight two years ago with the extra V.

I was debating changing my, because there's a famous gay pop singer named Tom Goss who's the number one search, and I was thinking about changing my handles to at not the Tom Goss who's the number one search. And I was thinking about changing my handles to at not the Tom Goss who makes the music or something like that. It's just... At not gay Tom Goss.

Nothing will make you seem gay. At untalented Tom. Imagine the other Tom Goss' pubes are shaped the same way Tom's hair is. No, he's even. He's a well manicured man. He's a well-manicured man. He's a guy with a landing strip. He just has one goatee of pubes.

Well, the other Tom, who we've got to reach out to again because he wants to do the show. We've got to get him on the show, yeah. He's a gay country singer, and his big hit was about bears, and he likes fucking husky dudes. So it's just him in a kiddie pool with a bunch of guys that look like Tom. Yeah, and it's really fun. We've posted flyers that people have come out to see the wrong Tom Goss at my shows in other states.

They're not stoked that it's me. There's a gay guy shows up to Arkansas at this biker bar where some Sons of Anarchy racist shit happens there. And he goes, oh yeah, I was pretty sure this wasn't the real Tom Goss, but I was in the neighborhood, so I wanted to check. Well, no, he told me because he saw the poster. He thought you were Tom Goss and I was his bear. And I even tried to make amends with a comedy club owner that he had got in a fight with because he wanted to open for us in Missouri. And he's like, you have no idea. Everything I went to to fix that whole situation, you're talking about the real fucking gay Tom Goss.

You're like, fine, I'll suck the dick. Yeah. These are the problems that populate our lives. Next one, at Undercover Dan, taken or not taken? There's no way he's doing anything good undercover. Yeah. Yeah. I know some of the above cover Dans, and they-

Even they're pretty sketchy. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say undercover Dan is taken. All right, Tom, what do you think? I'm going to say it's not taken. Undercover Dan is taken. It's a QAnon guy. Okay, all right.

Interesting theory. Mike, what do you think? I'm going to say not taken and doesn't understand what undercover means. Undercover my name. Yeah, secret Greg is not pulling this off. All right. That is not taken. Boom.

Anyone wants to be undercover Dan, it's all yours. Yeah. Somebody get undercover Dan and we'll start some sort of nonsense with you. All right. The next one, at fucked up humor,

taken or not taken? Oh, for God's sake. This is an awful thing and it is taken. Yeah. Okay. At fucked up humor is tweeting memes from like 2005. Oh, oh yeah what a foamy the

squirrel screen grab it's a lot of like before peppy was racist but still offensive you know like that that whole genre at fucked up humor just tweets rip patrice at fucked up humor for sure has more followers than we do yeah he tweets about every there's not enough women on the poster lineup thing. It's like, well, maybe they should be funnier. That's his whole hobby. It's for sure real and it's for sure run by my nieces. They've shown me such fucking upsetting social media comedy things.

I'm like, this is... How old are they? They are, I think the oldest is 18 and the youngest is 12. I'm not talking about the 12-year-old. No, they're 20. 21 is the oldest one and the youngest is 12. Well, there you go. Fucked up humor is taken.

281 followers. Now, did he tweet, A, if the transes want their own bathrooms, how about they just keep shitting their pants over Trump lull? There is spelled T-H-E-R-E. How is transes spelled? Like it sounds. Hey, some of them might have crones. Yep.

That's like Gollum trying to be transphobic. Yeah, yeah. The tree doesn't like the transes. It was born Bruce Jenner. It'll die Bruce Jenner, precious. Man, I haven't done that fucking impression in 15 years. Well, sorry, Bane. There's a new sheriff in town.

One gender to rule them all and in the darkness bind them. Welcome to the 2006 cast. B, anyone know if Eagles of Death Metal are any good? I heard they are to die for live. They just killed it in Paris. Yuck. C, why are Jewsuck. Yeah. Whoops. C, why are Jews so angry?

Line break. They have to smell their Jew smell all day. Now, which one of those is his tweet? And which two, more importantly, did I write? I was going to say, if B isn't real, then it's in Connor's Fallon packet. Yeah, I mean. Don't be ridiculous. I was too lazy to finish my Fallon packet.

I just pictured a juice smell air freshener. The thing about B is where it's the same joke twice. Yeah. And that seems like it's meant to throw off, but also that's often how Twitter works, where they don't understand basic joke structure. So I'll go B. Okay.

I think it's gotta be A. Okay. Because the fucked up humor guy is like, I just poked the transes community. Gotcha. Tom, what do you think? I think it's B because it's the closest thing to clever. Okay.

All right. Interesting guesses. The answer, B. Yeah. Which means I made up A and C. I'm not proud of. But I was reading his feed. It's just all that shit, and it's so bad.

It's like I'm fascinated by the dude. Like people that try – you know when there's like an aggregator account or whatever, like a parody account where it's like, oh, I'm Black Mitt Romney, and I'm really popular or whatever. Like that's very interesting to me when people try to start that, and it doesn't get off the ground. Oh, yeah. How many followers does this account have? Only 281, and he was tweeting a lot while he was trying to make this happen. This sounds like the guy who congratulates me on roast battle until they find out who I voted for.

Oh, yes. Man, you really snuck into that fat dead guy. What? Yeah, we're in it. Cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck. Hillary reluctantly. No way. Hillary reluctantly at the church.

That's the game of Clue that took place in 2016. The next one, at sexy Mitt Romney, taken or not taken? I like that you picked the only five grammatically correct Twitter handles. At sexy Mitt Romney. That seems like some shit you would do. It does. You're going to be obsessed with Mitt Romney. I seems like some shit you would do. It does. You're going to be obsessed with Mitt Romney. I think he's hilarious.

I'm telling you guys, we're going to smoke pot and watch his Netflix documentary and it'll be the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life. It's awesome. I feel like Mitt Romney probably fucks good. I think he probably does too. Is he one of the really old ones or the younger old ones? He looks kind of young, but he's like 70.

He looks like Mr. Fantasy. Younger old ones. Yeah, he looks exactly like Reed Richards, but he isn't pretty good. He takes good care of himself. I always forget what people are. They're like monkeys, but less hairy. That sounds like something an alien says when they haven't been to Earth in a while. Oh yeah, people.

Forgot about these. I do think it would be Kind of interesting To just see an alien Just like you know Because we say like Oh Japanese culture Or European culture For just an alien

To say what they think People culture is After they spend a week Taking the tour They're like What are they doing With these phones That's so weird

They don't do telepathy Like whatever they're like Yeah they just rub up On each other It's fucking weird You just grab each other's hand That they use for everything else Alright

And this has been an episode Of sincere conversations connor has with a stranger on a bench yeah man i'm just waiting for the bus that's the danger that's the danger of trying to keep the ball in the air when mike's around. It's like another me. It sucks. It's like Forrest Gump. Instead of being charmingly retarded, you're just autistic, so it's no fun for anyone. That's what you say when the guy on the bus bench is telling you about the girlfriend he had that died of AIDS. Someday I'm going to write an insufferable movie where the opening scene is a guy laying in bed with his girlfriend after they have sex,

and he's just explaining to her the dangers of an EMP attack. That's my entire life. Yeah, that's every dinner with my parents. All right, so do you think sexy Mitt Romney is taken? He's like, I talk with my parents, I look at my tap-out pants and realize that I can't. Those pants have been ready to tap out since you put them on. The other thing about aliens is we always assume they're telepathic, but they could be as kinetic as fuck. We don't know what they're touching.

It's very true. Tom has the thoughts of the guy who should be producing the show. He's funny because he does have producer vibes. He's like Baba Booey funny. He has producer vibes, but none of the producing skills. I don't understand anything with electricity, really. I feel like if you told Tom you have to produce the show, he would somehow think he needed to buy a toolbox to do this.

I'd buy a lot of cans. The hierarchy here is so weird. You with the most credits, you will produce this podcast. How does that work? He doesn't want anyone else to touch it. The answer is I'm a control freak. It's unfortunate. So what do we think about Sexy Mitt Romney? Sexy Mitt Romney is

not taken. Alright, Mike, where are you at? I will say not taken. I think it's taken. Okay, it is taken. He's got 41 followers. What did he tweet? A. Hey America, you up. B. Join my Discord for Funko Pop release info before it hits the general

public spots limited or c arrest all looters in ferguson is funko pop one of those like mormon planets they get when they die oh yeah uh i think it's uh i think it's hey america you up because this guy really thought he was going to be the next Mom Seinfeld. Anyone unfunny enough to have sexy Mitt Romney is going to do the first one. Okay, so Tom, where are you at? I think it's A. Guys, I hate to break it to you, the answer is C. Arrest all looters in Ferguson.

That's not very sexy at all. He made a parody account and then just talked about fucking police state shit. At least try and sex it up. Be like, those naughty looters should be in handcuffs. Winky emoji. One of the things that, like, tanked his campaign was, like, they got, like, a secret meeting of him saying that poor people weren't going to vote for him. And he was, like, kind of a hass.

And then, like, Trump, like, was like, well, why are you saying that secretly? Like, just be open about it. Yeah, yeah about it, and you'll get all the votes. Yeah, they can't do anything to you if you just say it. Well, because Mitt Romney hit it and then apologized, so he lost the racist vote, and Trump was like, no, yeah, I got those guys, come on. Well, I'm not going to vote for a man who's too much of a pussy to be a poor phobic.

I don't know what the word for that was. Poor phobic? Yeah, classist, I guess. When you work in Hollywood, every day all it means is that people like come up to you and they're like you know this mueller investigation's really heating up oh yeah the thing is like you hope that something takes them down but it's got to be something to the level that makes the people that like him hate him and nothing like that and i I don't know what he could do with this. That'll never happen.

It's like Barry Goldwater. Like he like he lost twice and like or whatever. But people still fucking love that guy. Like he still had fuck. He still did a whole big speaking engagements. Like he's going to be a part of our lives until he fucking has a heart attack. There's no way. Yeah.

Trump could literally go on camera and be like, I'm a fraud. This is all bullshit. I don't believe any of it. I colluded with Russia. And I think I'll be. And they and be like i'm a fraud this is all bullshit i don't believe any of it i colluded with russia and i think i'll be and they'd be like triggered lol a big bunch of his fans would still just sort of be like oh he's trying to like throw the deep state off his trail we're gonna vote for him twice like yeah did he say that only white people will work at kadoba then he's got my vote

the more whites by whites kadoba the most i went to the Qdoba in Springfield, Missouri, and there was a straight-up fly dead in the jalapenos. And I was like, can I get jalapenos? I didn't notice it, and then I saw it, and they put them on there. And I'm like, you're going to have to make me a new burrito if you want me to not call whoever I call. The fucking jalapeno police. I don't think I'm being ridiculous about that. Qdoba. The Chipotle's closed.

It has a health rating of yes. Qdoba. The Chipotle is closed. It has a health rating of yes. Qdoba. Now you can shit like Mike Lawrence. That was my favorite thing about when we went to Houston right after the hurricane. The only hurricane damage we saw was one Chipotle was closed for a single day. That was the only damage. Yeah, it was the day we were there. But yeah, I was like, whoa, the devastation.

And that's when we found out Joel Osteen owned a Chipotle. Damn, dude. That was a good callback. Yeah, Chipostein. All right. Next one. At Casper the Horny Ghost. Taken, not taken.

He's an odd future, right? Well, he did give his boo herpes. Yuck. Absolutely. God, that movie is silly. Did I bomb or was I fitting in the answer is yes we do plugs in the middle

do you want to talk about Laffy Taffy or no what were you saying about Casper oh just when I rewatched that movie it broke my brain there's a part where Casper just throws shit at a psychiatrist and that's a whole it's a different thing I've heard you's a part where Casper just throws shit at a psychiatrist, and that's a whole...

It's a different thing. I'm just tickled inside. I've heard you yell about the movie Casper. Yeah, I don't have the energy to... Here's my thing about the movie Casper. How does he turn into Devon Sawa at the end when he's just a giant bulb-headed kid? What kind of weird hell is there where that's what you turn into?

I think we watched a different movie, because I saw Casper, and it was just 60 minutes of mattress facts. And I was very annoyed. Yeah, who's the Laffy Taffy now? It's been me the whole time. Scooby-Doo mask off. I suck. What do you think about Casper?

That was a shit the bed joke. Take it or not take it. I'm going to say take it. I'm going to say not take it. Mike? I'm going to say Taken I'm going to say Not taken Mike I'm going to I'm going to say Not taken Casper the Horny Ghost

Not taken Yeah It's also too many characters For Twitter But I included it anyway Got you I wasn't going to fact check it Alright next one

Black Andy Griffith Taken or not taken Which one's Andy Griffith again? From the Andy Griffith show Yeah He's Andy Griffith I run a gun of his son Also Opie

He's the one who gets shot By a good enough. His son, also Opie. He's the one who gets shot by Don Knotts in the pilot. Oh, no. I just didn't see him. I was just cleaning it. You got a nipple in the back. Stand your ground, Andy. Stand your ground.

Oh, I wish I could turn into a fish now. Has anyone done Andy Griffith's show in Ferguson yet? The unethical Mr. Limpid? I'm going to get Opie together and write Ferguson Andy Griffith, and then we're going to be viral sensations. Oh, man. Black Andy Griffith is taken. Tom? I still don't really understand who he is, but I'm going to say not taken.

He's like regular Andy Griffith, but black. No, I don't know who Andy Griffith is. He's like a 50s sitcom star. Oh, you mean Blacklock. I'm going to say... Naplock. Matt Dreadlock. Yeah.

It is not taken. But I don't know about this next one. At Black Tom MySpace. Is that taken? Black Tom MySpace? Yeah. Does he work with the Friendster Juggernauts? Oh, man. Black Tom MySpace? Yeah. Does he work with the Friendster Juggernauts? Oh, man.

Black Tom MySpace. I'll say yes. I'll say taken. This is rough because I know it's taken and I know something bad is going to follow it, but I'll say yeah, it's taken. Tom? I'll say not taken. It's taken, but he hasn't tweeted yet.

He's had the account for nine years. He's just waiting for his moment to strike. He's late. Yeah. All right, and the last one is, this is a tweet at Mike Lawrence. Fuck you, at the Mike Lawrence, from HDFXDX01. His name is Tim D. My least favorite of the droids.

His username. Now, what is his Twitter bio? Is it A, father, conservative father conservative motorcycle rider outdoorsman metal head fed up okay that's three of the people my mother was married b i mostly tweet about fallout dc comics and the wwe but sometimes i tweet about other stuff to follow at your own risk that's mike's uh these are the two types of people that say fuck you to me yeah or c Or C, licensed chiropractors serving the greater Syracuse area. Stop by the office sometime for a free evaluation to find out what chiropractic can do for you. It is 100% that one.

Okay. All right. C, do they take beef with you over your posture, the chiropractic community? Yes. Or they're just like, this man needs an adjustment. I don't know how to reach him. Tom, where are you at? Oh, fuck. I wanted to be I don't know how to reach him. Tom, where are you at? Oh, fuck.

I wanted to be C. I'm going to say B. All right. The answer, A. Just a conservative guy. I made up the chiropractor. It's always father, husband, and then the worst thing you've ever heard. The first half of it is Obama's Twitter bio, and the second half of it is QAnon fan 99.

Father, husband, grand wizard. Father, husband, already hired to defend the wall even though the wall isn't built yet. Father, husband, has Rachel Maddow's address. Father, husband, a fan of Roman Polanski the person, not the director. Family man, gun fucker, rapist. All right, that was Twitter Shuffleboard. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back with the Mean Boys Mailbag in just a second. The Mean Boys Podcast presents Roast Battle Generator.

All right, I'm very excited for this next roast battle. First person coming to the stage has no real credits, but I'm going to overhype them by listing some places he hasn't lived. Give it up for Sam. And his opponent, who has two physical features I'm using to set up a rule of three school shooter reference, make some noise for Paul. Are we ready? Let's roast!

Paul looks like his bad place became a person. Thank you, insert fat guy reference. Sam loves Thang. Sam, I didn't know Thang had carbs. You were fat. Pollard's like a sad-looking famous person never became a famous person.

Sam is a blank and a blank, making him very fat. Paul had, insert horrible upsetting thing that has happened to him, find way to apply that information to also say his dick doesn't work. Sam works at place,

which means he is very fat. Paul has a long list of tedious information that is both personal and tragic to Paul, which has brought up the stall and built tension, making him a faggot. Sam looks like abstract animal that is fat. All right, let's go to our judges.

Wow, this is really the battle of insert two demeaning jobs involving driving cars. You know, I got gotta give it to the person who's uh less physically healthy to set up a joke about his imminent death um sam yeah man i gotta go with whoever gets all stereotype wave going more and i think it was paul this night now i'm going to reference how fat sam is five times and then pass to the next judge but don't worry paul i also know that you're still sad-looking. Yeah, I didn't pay attention at all because I drank and smoked marijuana earlier, but I think it's great you guys got on stage and said words in each other's general direction. I was busy thinking about some girl who went up earlier.

I wasn't paying attention to her jokes, even though they were getting huge laughs, but I would like to have intercourse with her. Give it up for that girl one more time. To overcompensate for not doing the minimal amount of work on a show you guys have worked for months on, I'm going to stall and ruin the momentum of the show. I'm going to insert references to my TV show that got canceled because it's bad and pretend I'm not being an obnoxious prick

because I don't get as much time in the spotlight compared to what I used to. And after a long bout of stalling and wasting everyone's time with little to no laughs, I will finally vote for Paul, but not without letting everyone know that I truly do not care. Get up for tonight's roast battle champion, Paul.

Now touch each other. And now, a clip from today's Patreon bonus episode with Riversland. Barrels. But yeah, the weather guy allegedly crashed the weather van. And of course, when that happens, you have to drug test everybody so the insurance will clear and stuff. And he was summarily fired for testing positive for a fuckload of cocaine,

which moves through your system really quickly, which means... He was doing it regularly. He was probably, allegedly, doing coke right off the wheel of the weather van. Oh, yeah, for sure. Which is badass. If you're a coke addict, you're one snapple away from passing a drug test. It's really... It's in and out of your system.

But people... It's undercover, like a Green Beret or the French Foreign Legion. It just gets out of your body quickly. Yeah. It's like when Lucy Liu has to go through the lasers. You've got to do it just right, but you can pass that drug. Entrapment, starring this weatherman, who is too jittery and has died immediately.

So he broke away from this... Broke away is a fun word for got fired. Because he didn't know what else to do. I like that this guy's like agent now. You're like, well, we broke away from Channel 37. Yeah, so Channel 12 let him go, and so he was like, fuck all y'all, and put a Doppler on his roof,

and went live on Facebook every morning, and just continued to do his goddamn job. He's a fucking American hero. That's the most cocaine thing I've ever heard. We are the champions, my friends. Yeah, and he was gay with Freddie Mercury. He wasn't even dying. You're a cunt and I hate your guts.

So what, he just does the weather? Yeah, well, this was like 2012 or 2013 when this happened, because I was in LA. I'm in love with this guy. And I still followed him, right? And so he would come up on Facebook like, you know, Rich Thomas weather, and it was just him in his yard at like five in the morning, pitch black, and there's just rain coming down. He's like, we're coming here live from the Pike Road area of Montgomery.

And you're like, it's just his neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know, we've got a big front coming in. He bought a green screen. He turned his house into a studio. He is a DIY punk rock motherfucking weatherman. He is the Anthony Cumia of regional weather. Yeah. Is he making any money off of this?

No. Here's the thing, dude. So, yes. He is paid in cocaine. That's the best part. By by himself it's a bad business the people the people demand it the people of montgomery alabama when he got fired were like fuck this and they followed him out of the place he buried a weather station yeah so like they people he got i mean i like his i mean i could pull it up his, he's got like tens of thousands of people watching this shit every morning.

Oh, yeah. Because he was the weatherman for like 25 years, so he's very trusted. We got to see if we can call in and fuck with this dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here's my plan is get Mark Kriski from KTLA into fentanyl and then just help everybody. Because I fucking love Mark Kriski. He's an ass and he's bad. Like, he's not good at, like, he's an idiot,

but he's my weatherman, and goddamn, if I'm going to switch over to Dallas rains. This dude became the Alex Jones of telling you how humid it is. Yeah, dude. I fucking love it. That rocks so, that's so fucking cool, Rivers. That's one of my favorite things I've ever learned. So here's what's cool, though, is, like,

he just did this on his own. He was like, fuck it. I don't need nobody, right? And he's been so successful on Facebook that he has now carried on almost every major radio station now. Holy shit. So he was able to just actively walk out the door like, fuck you, firing me for loving Coke. I will show you. And he did.

Man, this is the least inspirational inspirational story I've ever heard. I mean. Sha-na-na-na-na-na mean. Mean. And the Mean boys podcast is back and it's time to uh read your comments uh answer your questions and listen to your voicemails all that and more in the mean boys mailbag Send us an email or give us a call Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's a motherfucking mean book And it'll break This question comes to us from Horatio Von Zipper

Who amongst yourselves is best prepared to survive a nuclear blast? Well, Keith's teeth are coated in a layer of lead So I think any kind of oral cancer So I'm dead but my teeth are just chattering across the wasteland. Yeah, yeah. Like the Joker's bomb. Like a Walking Dead ambiance piece where there's just a severed head breathing. But the other two of you crawl inside him, you'll also survive.

I do like that idea where the nuclear blast hits and because our house sucks, we all just somehow fuse into one terrible just Cronenbergian hydra. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I just have to wipe Tom's butt because my arm is closer. And I'm like, ugh. No. And Tom's, like, whispering to me, I could reach it, but I want him to do it. I've heard some shit about, like, if the blast hit, like, somewhere, you know, when we were just on the outside radius. Like, I've heard, like, how you're supposed to survive the fallout.

But I think it's basically just stay inside for four days, more or less. Which you do pretty much anyway. Which I guess we could just go hole up in the basement, you know, and just, you know, what? I feel like you've talked a lot of shit on my basement. Now look who comes crawling down. Oh, I could kill you, so I'm going to your basement. I have the swords.

Tom left his weaponry in my basement. I'm just stronger than you. I have weapons still. I'm more fit. Yeah, well, you can come in. I like you. I can outsmart you. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think, I don't know, I think we'd all probably die pretty equally we have no supplies i'm dressed for the apocalypse now i think i'd be okay you are you do look like a merchant that just has a shopping cart full of beans that you trade for items this haircut i really should just be carrying a battle axe at all time and i don't know yeah you're fucking yeah yeah but you're not a ghibli. You're not the guy that kills other people. You're the guy that you think is going to be tough but then dies easily, proving how tough the protagonist is. Oh, yeah. You're the comedic thug number one dead.

You're the sword guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah. Exactly. I haven't seen it. Your whole aesthetic right now, Thomas. Spoiler alert, it doesn't end well for you. Your aesthetic is like my armor's at the dry cleaners.

It looks like he hasn't seen it because he finds out the Nazis lose at the end. Not for me. Alright, what's your... Wait, they open the Ark of the Covenant and don't see a reflection of themselves? What's your go-to when you're depressed? What do you guys do to

cheer up? Interesting. Me, personally, I like to get a Taco Bell Pizza Hut pizza with the breadsticks. Just a big-ass Sierra Mist. Eat that in my parked car somewhere dark. That's what I like to do. You like to do something even more depressing. It makes me feel better.

I like it. Yeah. You never feel more cozy than when you're eating in your car somewhere just out of the way. I will get a little bit of daytime stoned or buzzed, and I'll go to the arcade over on Vermont and just play pinball. That's a go-to for me. I play through every God of War game in the chronology of Kratos' story, which is what I've been doing the last two months. Are you okay? And that sounds fun.

No, I'm not, and it is. I didn't want to remark on the toga, but clearly you're really engrossed in the lore. He just fused to the sheet in his bed, and he's just rolling with it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Play NHL on PlayStation and get into harm's way. You have no self-preservation mechanism.

I really don't, and it's amazing to me I'm still alive i don't know what else i have to do we were in vegas earlier this year i saw him eat a whole sub out of a dumpster for four dollars we were walking through the cosmopolitan and there was like a big fist fight this world star ass fight starts and like a bunch of people were standing around and then we hear somebody go he's's got a gun. And everybody else, including me, takes off running. And Tom just goes, ooh. What are you going to do? I don't know what else I have to do to not be alive anymore. It was as if he was like, free tote bag.

Whoa, I do need to carry around these. It's like you're trying to die, but you're in some sort of like Brewster's Millions. Like you're not allowed to kill yourself to get in heaven. So you have to just accidentally die. I'm fucking like the opposite of Kenny. Just every, like I can't believe i'm still alive right now i think the first time i saw him i said he was rocksteady in mid transformation yeah he's still accurate ninja turtles oh i don't know yeah i don't know i don't ninja turtles yeah but i imagine he's some sort of guy that

turns into an uglier guy he's a rhino oh gosh Oh, gosh. Who is also a man. Oh, yeah, the rhino. Yeah, I've had people post that on my Facebooks. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Yeah, I know who you're talking about. Have you ever performed with a comedian that professionally intimidated you? I don't really.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. This would be when you would say who. Oh, yeah. Well, this would be when I want to work again. Yeah, yeah, that's true yeah yeah we yeah

yeah we don't we don't have to say who it was yeah we don't i was opening somebody and just somebody yeah well that's how this is gonna be we all can't have podcasts no no i see yeah we can take it out. No, but the person I was opening for, I had, like, the set of my life, and I got backstage, and he goes, well, you outgrew me, kid. And that was it. That's awesome. I still get terrified any time I have to do a show with Kanae, and that is, like, the one dude who just I am, like, afraid to follow.

I was definitely a dweebus when I was, like, 20, and I opened forhope and i was just like yeah i was at that show yeah yeah great show yeah i'm lucky enough where i don't know enough people to be nervous in front of most people i was one of the most terrifying experiences who's dave chapel yeah i think just the most intimidated at a comedy show in general was judging Naked Rose with Mike. That was fucking horrifying. That was, yeah. But in general, yeah. Attell gives me that feeling. Like if I'm around him because I just think he's the most brilliant guy.

Oh, yeah. I was watching Bumping Mike's, which if you haven't seen it, you've got to check it out. I want to see that. There's some beautiful jokes in there. in there it's really good oh yeah no they're they're awesome together but it's like but there's something about him i remember we were um on the set of crashing and you know you come up with alts and like pitching alts to david tell was like the most intimidating thing it's like oh for. I don't want to. He's the best ever. Excuse me, Dave Attell.

I'm here to show you what to say to be funny. Yeah, hey, Phil Mickelson, hold your elbow in tighter. Like, what the fuck do you say? Of all the comparisons, you went to golf. Yeah, I don't even watch golf. I know. It was really weird that that happened. You just have to in that outfit. Oh, yeah.

What is this? I'm wearing my suit. Is it a one piece or a two piece? It outfit. Oh, yeah. What is this? I'm wearing my sweatsuit. Is it a one-piece or a two-piece? It's two pieces, yeah. Yeah, Connor got two and a half credits, and now he's just going to dress like Queen Latifah. You're dressed as a manila envelope. I got this $30 H&M sweatsuit for lounging purposes,

and I've never been more thrilled with a purchase in my life. This is what sexy Mitt Romney wears. You look like if vaping had a Joe Camel. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's great. And I'm straight up going to Middle Eastern nightclubs exclusively for the rest of the week. They're fun, dude.

Middle Eastern people know how to party. All right. So the last question. I'm going to have an a la-ec barbecue. Last question before we play a voicemail. Which is the worst type of person? Someone who approaches life as an optimist or a pessimist? Wait, what was it? Do you prefer optimist or pessimist in your daily life?

Pessimist. Yeah, I think pessimist. Yeah, because if you go into life with low expectations, then you won't be that let down. But the people who think everything's going to get better is dangerous. I guess. People who are with the primaries or the midterms where everyone's like, yeah, it's such a blue wave, and it's like, yeah, but we still lost a lot. Yeah, and the state legislators are still gerrymandered to shit,

and they could have a couple more racist cheerleaders, and they could amend know a few a couple more racist uh cheerleaders and they could amend the constitution unilaterally and blah blah disagree a little because i'm sort of like yeah all those things are bad but we you know we got the house we got something we did better than we could have yeah i i think no that's that's that but none of that will improve pessimism is a point of inactivity is bad like yeah yeah i'm not just gonna i'm just not gonna do anything that's that's that's a problem. See, I subscribe to pragmatic optimism. Hope for better, not the best, because the best is never going to happen. But sometimes you get lucky and something decent happens.

Keith could die at 32, but he might die at 33. All right. There's no way I should still be alive at 35. It's truly baffling. I'm not convinced you haven't been dead for two years. You're 35? Yeah. Okay.

I thought Dan St. Germain has been weekend at Berniesing you as a fun joke. He's like, hey, yeah, it's me. All right. Tom, what do you think? Optimist or pessimist? I mean, I don't like people in general, so I'm – I got that from the haircut. Did you just sincerely give a –

I don't think I've ever heard that in not a cartoon. Yeah, I was going to say, when does the smaller cat who knows how to do the crime and is the fast-talking one show up? Hey, George. Should we immortalize this guy? Can it, Tom? We're trying to do a caper. I don't like anyone who's the same thing all the time, but I typically gravitate more to pessimists for sure. Yeah.

All right. We got a couple of voicemails here. He's the most positive person I know. Yeah. Oh, and it bugs the shit out of me, but I we love each other it's all right it's fine well someone has to offset you i know i know yeah this is gonna be just fucking the murder suicide house here and they're gonna find two more roommates well i'm a pessimist i'm i'm in a good mood lately all i had to do was go off my medication and destroy all personal relationships i've been dressing like the the world's greatest asshole.

Yeah, dress like I'm going to some sort of Salt-N-Pepa event. This is what Veronica's dad wears when he wants to intimidate Archie. Yeah. It's a good point. He's like, whoa, dude, he doesn't give a shit about me. He's in a track suit. I run Riverdale. All right, voicemail time.

I also realized if you tell me if you're going to go on a podcast. I go by Harwinder Acheron on the Discord servers. I just wanted to thank you guys for doing everything that you do. I've been really depressed these past few months, and part of what's gotten me through it is listening to you guys in the background and just laughing whenever I hear a joke that I didn't remember. Anyway, keep up the good work work and i'll be glad to listen to the next episode bye again i died we do appreciate it so much but it is funny when

people talk about us like we're first responders well you know my dad died all i could think is what would the fudge lord do in this situation yeah you know during the divorce i had to look to one person uh for guidance and that was mark Malloy. I've entered a series of retail fucking arbitrage scams that have really turned my life around. That's my new thing is watching rednecks buy Monopoly for millennials at Walmart and resell it online and just watching a guy with just a trunkload of Monopolies on crystal meth just making money on the Internet. I did not know that was a thing. Oh, it's my new favorite shit. Who buys Monopoly and resells Monopoly?

Well, it's like a limited Monopoly, and he went to like 20 Walmarts and just bought like a thousand of them and just made a million bajillion dollars. Like, it's very good. So he does the same thing with Monopoly that like cool black guys in LA do with shoes? Yeah, yeah. Go buy them and flip them? Which I'm getting into, by the way. I made Keith and Tom go sign up for a shoe raffle so I could resell them to teenagers on the internet.

Some Nike account tagged me saying I won shoes. I don't know what that was about. Is that a you thing? Yeah, so that would mean that you didn't get the $60 you could have easily gotten for telling me about it. Well, I'm telling you now.

Yeah, that was one day only, which I told you. You should have told me. This is hella compelling radio. But me and Connor are mostly communicating shoe deals now. Most of our dialogue. Actually, I feel very stupid.

I have the release dates of the shoes I'm going to try to buy and resell written so I don't forget. I think you guys are just trying to cause this dude to be depressed again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, you've gone through all these good times and thanks for everything you do. Nah. I'm good. This is what was keeping me around. Yikes.

Duh! No, thank you for listening. Thank you. It's very sweet of you to say. That means the most to me in the world because I have the same relationship with comedy and with media and things that make me happy when I'm sad. The only thing that gets Connor out of his depression

is also listening to himself. But I have to also be talking to a disinterested woman. That's the only way it works. I'll get my wig. Her name is Keith and she's right here. Exactly. And I'm like, no, Keith, I found this pretty interesting bot that could get me to buy four off-white Zoom fly lows. Oh, wow.

I know what several of those words mean. Oh, yeah. Keith, don't throw a pussy just to be dry when you start talking to this woman. Keith just talks to me like I'm just a disinterested wife. He's just like, yes, honey. I'm very proud of you. I'm someone who would be a disinterested wife and the mother of a spastic five-year-old. I know you're excited about how well bleaching your jeans went.

I'm really happy for you. I'm going to hang your dumb gay shoes right here on the fridge so we can look at them every day. And now Tom's going to get into a fight and it's just going to be a cloud with a bunch of stars popping out. I saw one of those fights at a demolition derby where there's a little dirt floor, Chino, California, dust cloud. Two women emerge, broken fingernails, fucked up hair, and there's three high-heeled shoes in the pile. It was the best shit I ever saw ever. That's fucking ridiculous. I was like, I just saw a fucking Looney Tunes cutaway.

So you do know who Josh Groban is. They were fighting over who gets to date Truckasaurus. That's my man! Stay away from my man! He eats up the Mitsubishis like I eat up my husband's alimony. On a very special edition of Blacked.com, Truckasaurus fucks Riley Reid. Trucked. All right.

Last voice. I always hope that Riley Reid is illiterate. I thought Stan Lee created her until recently. I didn't know. Well, she crackles. So it's Kirby. Just a shitty open mic from Sacramento. I was wondering.

Oh, wait. No, shit. I should be anonymous or whatever. Oh, yeah. I was just wondering, do you guys think you can move to New York or L.A. too early or too late. Thanks. Fuck everything. Go to bed.

Well, I feel bad because one of the most important things to me on this podcast is to not talk about comedy too much. We'll give them a – first of all, don't move to New York or L.A. until you learn how to pronounce anonymous. Yep. You did say anonymous. You'll be a laughingstock, kid. I do like that you're like, oh, I should stay anonymous.

Like, you're an open mic-er in Sacramento. You are. I'm proud of you. A headliner in Sacramento. Did you hear Jeff DaFunnyMan called? I really wanted to change my name on Facebook to Connor DaFunnyMan. I genuinely want to sincerely answer this. Yeah, yeah.

My thought on it is, because I've talked to a lot of people about this when we've been on the road, is I think getting good in private is very underrated. Like when you get to L.A., and I'm sure New York is similar, it's the best guy from everywhere and also a hundred of the worst guy. Yeah. But you are fighting such a bigger scene, it's harder to get noticed. If you're trying to get booked on a bar show, you're still fighting guys with TV credits. And I want to say,

just to make this information a little more palatable to our non-comedian fans, this also applies to murder. If you're going to murder, you should start off, like Omaha is a good market, and then when you get big and you feel like you're ready, you go up the California coast and go into hiding. Well, if you love this show, there's a good chance you're a non-comedian fan.

We're not. We're non-comedian fan. Sorry. No, we're non-comedian hosts. I like you all. It's just I feel like this is what I have to do. No, I mean, Mike, I was so worried. It's not like we're called

mean boys. No, and we get all these like limp dick fucking, you know, L.A. man children to come in here and they don't fight back. And I'm like,

oh, let's have a little sport here. I like that you think we're going to turn the recorder off and be like, Mike, what the hell? Yeah do uh fuck what was i gonna say what i was gonna say is i i started in florida after a year and two months i moved to new york his hair still lives there it's amazing yeah and what i what i found i think i always tell people go earlier because what's gonna happen i see this all the time more in new york than la

the ego develops like once you open for somebody or you do something that you think has significance you think you're more than you are right and then because you basically have to relearn everything in those big cities and so you might as well do that earlier because, like, if you come, like, five years after being somewhere else, it's just people can't handle it. People can't handle the nobody tells you what New York or L.A. is going to be like. If you if you have a certain level of like you're confident in your craft and you have to go put up with the entry level shit you'd have to do when you move. It's going to be like just like so fucking soul crushing. Well, the three of us got kind of lucky in that we we started out in orange county so it was like only about an hour away yeah so we could kind of like dip our toe in but not like have to be part of like the scene but to like

make a big move is like a big oh i still drive down there to try out problematic jokes i'm unsure of oh same yeah that's my yeah i went to new york without knowing what it was that i was going to be waiting three hours to do two minutes and And, like, it fucking breaks you. But then if you can get through that, you'll be okay. Yeah, I would say go to L.A. or New York before you go. See what it is, especially if you're, like, kind of doing well in your small scene. Maybe you're, you know, kind of like MC in the local club or whatever. Absolutely don't be the guy that is like, well, I live in Portland, but I've been doing comedy for, guess what, four years.

I opened for Bobby Lee at Helium, and I'm the best guy ever. Don't be a cocksmoker to me at an open mic because you're important in the ten square miles you're standing in. I will fucking hate you forever. Come down for a week or two, really live in this shit and see what it's like, and then see how you feel about moving down. That is the sad thing about podcasts the only people that listen to them are people that also

want to be a comedian so they're just like I want to live vicariously through you ruining your life and I'll see if it's right for me but the last thing I'll say is this guy might have a chance

because he called himself shitty yeah he doesn't think he's good that is a good sign and that means he might be someday yeah that's very good

stay humble in mommaness what I wish what I wish I did is... This was the feedback portion of Kill Tony. Sir, I started in Orange County. I wish I did a year to two years there, and then I wish to either move to Denver or Chicago, which is a bigger scene than Sacramento or Orange County, and it's closer to road work,

and done a couple years there and then moved to LA or New York. Well, and Sac's not a bad scene too because you got San Francisco nearby. Like, the whole Bay Area. Oh,

yeah, and if you can do it, start doing all those terrible NorCal road gigs and learn how to be a comedian. 100%, yeah. Because you're by Humboldt,

you're by Fresno, you're by all that shit. So, go drive to Bakersfield and do a half an hour bomb and figure it out. But being in a scene where you can get up

multiple times a night without it being LA or New York I think is super beneficial. Yeah. Well, great. Now that we've lost everyone. As long as we've talked about stand-up,

I think, in the history of this show. I think so, yeah. Except for with Jeff. But sure, that's my sincere opinion. Mike, fucking phenomenal to have you.

Thanks for having me, guys. One of our favorites. What do you got coming up you want to talk about? I have an album, Mega Man Child, that's new. You can get that on iTunes.

You'll probably get it on Spotify. No, I did. Thanks for the not support. I didn't really listen to it. I actually did. It's very good. Yeah. But either way, however you find it, it's out there.

And my new half hour on Comedy Central. And the next season of Crashing, which I wrote on, starts on January 20th. So check that out. It's weird when someone is standing in front of my hanging clothing shelves and they are plugging legitimate projects. Because usually they're like, I might start a podcast with my dog. I got a show at a tennis court. Yeah. I'm headlining that bar in North Hollywood. Not the good one. The other one.

Yeah. And I co-wrote episode four. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Mike is one of my favorite. Mike really fucking makes me laugh. So go listen to his album. Check all that stuff out.

And it's really fun. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Yeah. This is the end of day one of Snark Week. Swing over to the Patreon if you're not already. Remember, we're going to be doing seven bonus episodes there this week. We got Rivers Langley coming in, everybody. Yeah, this is the end of day one of Snark Week. Swing over to the Patreon if you're not already. Remember, we're going to be doing seven bonus episodes there this week. We got Rivers Langley coming in later today. Yeah, it's going to be fun.

And come back tomorrow for the return, God help us all, of Keith Ray. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot that's tomorrow. Keith Ray and Andrea Guzzetta. I got to start laying down the tarps in my room to keep the Cheeto crumbs. We'll start brewing our toilet wine. All right, thanks for coming.

All right. Fuck everything God is dead