Mean Boys - EP 168 - Saint Thiccolas (feat. Keith Ray & Andrea Guzzetta)

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

Support the show on Patreon and hear all of the Snark Week podcasts: patreon.com/meanboys Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Listen to Keith's EP: https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/the-oxycotton-pickers/1441119581 Listen to Andrea's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/andrea-loves-everybody-w-andrea-guzzetta/id1336433441?mt=2 Follow our guest Keith Ray on Twitter: twitter.com/queefray Follow our guest Andrea Guzzetta on Twitter: twitter.com/sundresscomic Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer Hey guys, Snark Week Day 2 here. We brought back probably the most requested guest ever, Keith Ray. And man, was it a fucking psychotic nightmare. Yeah, it was pretty overwhelming. Tom got too high before the show. I had an original plan

for Snark Week, which I've said so far changed my mind, which is whenever a guest gets high, I'm going to get high with them. And I took one hit of the 420s, and I am fucking insane right now. Yeah, Tom's brain, even for Tom's brain, is going through a lot.

Yes, so apology for that. I will be ceasing getting high. A fish that had been given the ability to breathe air and was just put on a table. Like, that was his whole vibe, the whole show. Yeah, I mean, I think this is a fun episode. But if yesterday with Mike was like a well-tuned machine and it was a band who knows exactly what we're doing, this is some weird experimental jazz. Yeah, get ready for, you know, the fucking James Chance

and the contortions of podcasting coming at you. Scooby-dooby-dooby-doop. With another guest, poor Andre Gazzetta, who was next to Keith Aghast at everything that was taking place. No, this is fun, though. Which we should say, just quickly off the top, the views of Keith Ray do not reflect

the views of the Bean Boys podcast. Oh, they sure don't. What to edit out should not be seen as a statement of our opinions about anything. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have to not be seen as a statement of our opinions about anything. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have to listen back so I know what everyone's talking about. Yeah, but Andrea was great. Some good stories from her.

Be sure to check out the podcast. She is subletting right now a cult or something. Yeah, it's called Cult. Yeah, I'll have a link for that in the show notes. And Keith's anti-folk EP. Yeah, it's called the Oxycontin Pickers. I guess they've already broken up yeah but if you want to

hear their only release probably ever we'll have a link for that and enjoy the Snark Week Madness going on all week long today on the

Patreon feed we've got Felicia Fuchs and Hannah Einbinder coming in in just a minute after we get done cutting this intro that'll be great

make sure you tweet us some funny shit funniest thing that gets tweeted at us or sent to us during the week. We'll get a free beanie coming up. We're making beanie. They're coming in four colors. They've got custom tags. They're going to look very cool. There'll be more information about those.

They'll probably be here right around the end of Snark Week. Your Patreon awards from last month are going out starting tomorrow. We're getting the box shipped in, so look for those in your mailbox very soon. Go fucking talk on Reddit and Discord with all your pals. Our Mean Boys and the Discord channel is a series

of complicated uppercase, lowercase letters that's linked in the show notes. You can just click on. Go enjoy any of that. Leave us a review on iTunes. Try to help us get up into the charts to capitalize on our fucking strip mining of our own creative takes. Yeah, exactly. And, yeah, just follow us on all the socials, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube,

and all the shows are up on YouTube. And compliment our beautiful new logo I made. I forgot to say something about last intro. Oh, yeah, we have a new logo, everybody. Pretty fucking sexy. Yeah. It turned out really good. Yeah.

So I think we're going to stick with this one. I think that's going to fix everything. We're going to stick with this one for at least six months until I change it again. And I think that's about it. So with all that out of the way, sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode. Today's episode, the Snark Weekday 2 episode with Keith Ray and Andre Gazzetta. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. An eye for an eye is a really poorly designed barter and trade system. I'm Tom Goss.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Andrea Gazzetta. And I'm... What would happen if all three Mean Boys jerked off into a bottle of moonshine. You really do have the Tom. I found everything in a dumpster aesthetic. The me body.

And then the Connor. Yeah, I can pull off this fanny pack. Now you put it that way. He really does check all the boxes. Keith is also, by the way, wearing a California lottery hat, which I don't know what dead guy you got that off of, but it's tremendous. It's a fuck you pin. I just noticed that. Yeah, and all the pins are, there's like a bunch of like pins that are all consolidated to one side.

It's like a weird aesthetic choice, which I like. And I also heard Keith say outside that, well, I did cocaine on Thanksgiving, but before that it was, I hadn't done it since Boston. And you shouldn't be able to narrow down your drug use by holidays and metropolitan areas. It was Houston, but still. Yeah, that's true. It's probably. Yeah, that's the problem. I am the culmination of a bunch of rough life choices, you know? The return of Keith Ray has, like, summoned weird darkness into the neighborhood,

because this morning a giant stray dog just appeared in our driveway. I pat him. He looks like a wolf. He does. One of the biggest dogs. Tom walked up to him and he thought there was a mirror in front of him. When did I get a hat? Watching Andrea watch up was amazing because it was just this evil dog guarding the fence

and then Keith and his cavalcade of motocross tweakers outside. And then Andrea just, I brought danishes. Oh, no. I do roll deep. Yeah, you do have entourages. I'm going to love it with you, Keith. You are probably our most requested return guest.

Oh, well, thank you. And Andrea, also very popular, but you're here mostly to fill the role of horrified woman. Because I really want to contextualize this man's scumbaggery. Yeah, yeah. I was kind of thinking about that in regards to the jokes

I was going to tell for the joke off. Yeah. Oh, I'm on an episode with Andrea, so I've got to really hit these broads hard. Right? No fucking chops. You're like up the ante, right? You two together,

it's like a concert where the Wiggles are opening for cannibal courts. Well, nobody would ever write a joke about women and they're thinking of Andrea. She's like one of the nice ones. Wait, what?

You always try and hurt the mean. You heard it here first. Keith Ray is girl racist. Girl racist. This whole conversation feels so uncomfortable because it's four dudes locked in my bedroom with you. And I'm like, okay, let's dial it back, gang. This is the beginning of a very uncomfortable porn.

Yeah. It's also worth pointing out that Tom is high. Oh, yeah. Fucking, I decided before Stark Week started, I was going to get high with any guests who got high at the house. Okay. And thank you for who got high at the house. Okay. And thank you for running that decision by the team. Naturally, I come over.

That is very power. I'm looking forward to cutting the sketches later with 95 outtakes for every two-syllable line. Yeah, you're so high, your mohawk has gotten more crooked. Tom, I just need you to say, okay, cool. Okay, cow. Damn it. Yeah, this isn't public, but this is the highest I think I've ever been in public. Okay.

If four people does mean public, those are the rules. I think that that's fair. And this is something people are going to hear all over the world. And they're going to remember how you were. This is a global phenomenon, Tom. Yeah. Literally hundreds of people are going to be mortified. Hey, literally several thousand.

They call it the World Wide Web for a reason. The World Wide Reb? World Wide Reb is your summer tour. Yeah, I was about to say, World Wide Reb is the name of a wrestler you manage. Yeah, I'll paint it a short bus with the Confederate flag, and we're going to drive that all the way down to Arizona and then push it the rest of the way. Did I ever tell you about the time I came on one of those? Already. Confederate flag?

Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant a short bus. No, that was after I got out of the Flintstones short bus. I peed on a short bus in Oklahoma during a thunderstorm. It wasn't the typical Confederate flag's ten years of bad luck. It wasn't the typical Confederate flag where it's like the red with the blue and then the white stars on top. Yeah. Of the X.

I've seen them a couple times. It was one of them red Confederate flags with the swastika in the middle. It was out of like Carbon Day Confederate flags like their Gucci knockoffs. He's like, well, if you look at the tag it was the one where it's blue with the red x and then the white one which is i don't know some kind of knockoff i don't i just thought it was some kind of knockoff infringing on here's what i think here's what i think keith jerked off on like a norway flag he just doesn't realize he disrespected those beautiful chocolate tears. Deal with it, Finland, begorp.

Liquor store clerks in my hometown don't get a Norway flag tattooed on the back of their neck. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

Well, you're not so neutral are you now, Switzerland? Yeah. Wait, so why did you jerk off on a Confederate flag? Because it was on the back of her neck. Oh, it was a tattoo.

Oh. Wait, why'd you come on the back of her neck? What a weird place. No, because it shot that far. Oh, like you were hitting it from the back and then you just overfired? Getting the back of the neck, that's like getting the highest one in the corner in skeeball. That's impressive. Yeah. And it was in the

cooler at the liquor store we were both clerking. And you did it in the cold? Is this the liquor store that I went with you to and then it kicked you out? That must have made the cum denser and given it more velocity. I think the cum froze on its way out and just turned into like a dag, like when Sub-Zero will shoot you. Like an icicle? Exactly.

Anyway, that lady's dead. She's assistant manager at Taco Bell. Like the old pulp crime plot where you shoot a guy with an ice bullet and it melts and they can't find you. You know what I mean? That's what you do. You did an ice load. Yeah.

I just, he's brought up the Confederate flag that jogged my memory. Very cool. How have you guys been since last we saw you two? What's going on, Andrea?

What's new? Oh, man. Keith came over. I got to hang out with him and his girlfriend. Mostly his girlfriend. It was really fun. I did the cult podcast. You did the cult podcast, which was a four-hour recording. Yeah, well, it was

like a 45-minute recording. It was a two-hour Armando Torres not knowing how to plug things in-a-thon. Well, that was the day that one of your co-hosts got there was a bomb threat at the post office. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Somebody was doing stand-up when he sent out the tape and all that stuff. Yeah, somebody was just like, oh, yeah, there's like a bomb in a post office in Santa Monica, so they just closed every post office in L.A. Did you guys not see this happen? No, I didn't. We left right by a post office. We could have like straight up died. Yeah, that happens a lot, though.

You shouldn't concern yourself. What a waste of time to think about that stuff. That's a fair point. I agree. Life is fleeting. I feel like it's more fleeting for you than most. If you spend all your time worrying about it ending, you're not going to enjoy any of it while you have it. Yeah, look at a sunset.

Come on a hate symbol. Live your truth. Sell things you shouldn't to young people. No, just the keith ray lifestyle what are you talking about when i hook them kids up with blunt wraps yeah yeah have you sold any other sketchy products the children have you had any what give it give us just the highlight reel of the last you know year because we've oh no but i've been doing a lot of sketchy shit so like one day i was at my class uh for my wet and Reckless, and that's what they call a DUI.

That's Keith's chatterbait profile. Wait, they brought you down to a Wet and Reckless? Wet and Reckless is my favorite Bon Jovi album. Yeah, that's actually Keith's mom worked at Wet and Reckless for years. I had to call my lawyer a lot to get that accomplished. Yeah, that's impressive. Which is hard because he's not always near the pay phone. Yeah, but I had to take a class.

And one day, and this class was miserable. It was every Saturday morning. And you walked in and said, I ain't had a lot of schooling now. No, I should have been teaching that fucking class. It was about drinking, man. Are you kidding me? That's not what it was about.

Oh, you're right. You're right. It was a 16-week guilt trip for a bunch of people who just paid out the ass to the state and attorneys. It was really fun. But anyway, we would show up early because you can't be late. If you're late, then you had to go home, and then you just got up for no fucking reason on an early Saturday morning. So we're standing out in the parking lot, and this lady goes, oh, man, I brought my wrong purse.

And I was like like what do you mean she goes this is my vacation purse not my purse for in town and i was like well so what's in the purse and she goes look and it's got a big bag of weed and a pipe and a pint of stoli and a mixer and then her little coin purse you guessed guessed it, full of pharmaceutical drugs. Man, in a coin purse is so adorable. I know, right? Like if Andrea had a pill problem, that's what would happen. Oh, yeah, there'd be like some sort of Son Rio iconography on it.

Let me get my Quaaludes satchel. She was a very, like, divorcee junkie. You know, when your man leaves and then you just turn to the Chardonnay and the Downers and you lounge around, spin in your alimony. I really liked her. Her name was Sabrina. She was cool. It's Keesney.

No, but I tried to get her to go out. She took me out for, what are those? They're from El Salvador. Mexicans. Not empanadas. For a night of beheadings. Yeah, we threw these heads off a pyramid. They're like little fried cheese things.

They're great. Anyway. Empanadas? I don't know. I got it right. All right. I'm going to pitch you an idea, Keith. I think this would be a good business for you.

Well, let me finish what happened at the class. So she just goes, take anything you want. So I just picked three at random, and I took those, and it took about 45 minutes of the two-hour class for them to kick in, and then they kicked in, and then they made me share. Because you had to share these things. I was really hoping to get my share out of the way early. I thought you were the singer. Do you believe?

Yes. Then they made me fuck that Red Hot Chili Peppers guy when he was a kid. Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah. He lost his virginity to share. What? Anthony Kiedis? Yeah. You gotta read Scar Tissue, dude. That book's sick. I'd rather be dead, but anyway. That's oneony keynes yeah you gotta read scar tissue dude that book's sick

i'd rather be dead but anyway didn't you that's one of the six books you've read you're like anarchist cookbook scar tissue three times and then the giver for fifth grade for my mother's i read the bible but just the part where i cut around to hide a gun in it i actually read all of angela davis i don is Negative Space. I don't know what that is. She was a female Black Panther. Okay. I read all of her books. She's a tenured professor at Berkeley.

I've read a lot of her stuff. Everything up until 2009. I feel like she's going to hear this and then just stop writing. That's not who it was for. She was a militant Black womanist. She was fucking badass. A Black womanist from the most powerful group. Alright, so you're sharing because you're on a bunch of people.

Yeah. They make me share. Is this a DUI question? Yeah. Was it like ecstasy or something? What did you say? Was it like ecstasy or something? What kind of drugs did you find out?

No, it was like a Soma and a Percocet and one of those small Klonopans. Holy shit, dude. And I was drinking the coffee. They had coffee. The coffee's not going to offset this. The Soma alone is a lot to deal with. The coffee's not even ridiculous. Yeah, Soma will fuck you up, dude.

I didn't know. Anyway. After that, I'm icing my severed hand, right? So I have to tell them my truth about what happened to me, and I started all the way at my childhood. As soon as I could remember any kind of associative memory with alcohol, I was eating little stick pretzels with cream cheese, watching the Smurfs, and doing

shots of root beer. Yeah. So imagine, this is back when the Smurfs was on TV. Yeah. So this is a while ago. So I started that memory, and I take them all the way until present day, and it took the rest of the class.

And no one else had to share and everybody loved me forever well you know the teacher was like do i stop this dude or like trying to end just having a moment and the guy's like i'm getting 80 bucks to teach this thing hey well you know the guys think like maybe this is a breakthrough and this is where this fella turns his life around cut to this is not my idea you to teach a reverse DUI class where it's a DUI class, but you just teach people how not to get DUIs. How to drink and drive effectively?

You're going to need Altoids in the ashtray on deck constantly. It took them 10 years to catch the kid. I was pretty good at it for a while. Like you're smoky. I had to take that shit into the wall, the 101 at 65 for them to catch me so

yeah jokes on them I'm still here here's the thing is you wake up after a serious car accident the next day you wake up and you go oh my god I'm still alive that's really cool you know what's fucked up you're going to get addicted to that feeling knowing you

I've always been addicted to that feeling. The only thing that gets me up, that's how I've been this person. Yeah, the only thing that keeps me going now is Percocets and skydiving. I got a Xanax, a hot rod off a cliff to catch half a buzz these days, I'll tell you. Well, speaking of pills, my band put out an EP. You're asking what's been going on in our lives? Oh, yes, the Oshkodden Pickers, right? Yeah.

For me and you, that was the smoothest segue into a plug any guest has ever done on this show. Yeah. Thank you. I had it planned. The Oxycontin Pickers, though. Yeah. We actually listened to it. It was pretty good.

Thank you. I really appreciate that. That's me and my buddy Austin Perdue and this really fantastic comedian. Austin is the person I allegedly shot a gun with in indiana hell yeah he allegedly shot the fuck out of that gun last time i talked about this story you guys kept yelling allegedly so i just want to make sure i've lost track of the things you've said that might be felonies like between the pirated sound effects and everything else if anyone with any sort of anything listens to this podcast to any degree, we're so boned.

I mean, at this point, it's just like, we're already down here in the swamp. Why not? I like that in your world, it implies that Tom is going to get popped for gun possession and Death Grips is going to sue us for stealing our theme song. Yeah, yeah. Freesoundeffects.org is going to fucking file a summons. Yeah. Oh, man.

Well, if anybody wants to listen to it, it's on Apple Music, our EP. The Oxycontin Pickers EP is how you Google it or whatever. Oh, yeah. We'll put that in the show notes. It's worth picking up. And it's on Spotify if you don't want to actually buy it, but you want to check it out. That's what I did. All right.

Yeah, no. Broke comics. Just broke people. Anybody who's broken enough to listen to this shit, just go ahead and listen to it on Spotify. I still get two and a half cents every time you do. I really appreciate it. And that's two and a half cents more towards putting another set of car keys in Keith's hand.

I'm just trying to make enough money to get that Artie Lang nose job. You know what I'm saying? You know how people get their pussies rejuvenated? You just do so much coke, you need to get a nostril pussification. Yeah, I got Snooki's guy to take my nostrils back in, and now I'm snoring with a Capri Sunstraw.

It's funny. I got up into that fucking cerebrus. I got the nose of a 19-year-old Mormon girl. That's unbelievable. That motherfucker's pristine. It's all scraped out. My voice is five octaves higher, and I sound like a cartoon dog sidekick for a larger dog,

but that was the best eight grand I ever stole. I mean, you go to Tijuana, they don't ask a lot of questions before they start cutting stuff. It's amazing. Yeah. I told them my social security number was eight, and they didn't check. I told them I was a vampire. I was born in George Washington's house In a dumpster

Oh man we're all We're all weird right now You guys want to get into the Mexican joke? Hi so topical Yeah Hey is it okay if we hit pause? I left my notes in my fanny pack Oh yeah you can go grab it

We'll vamp without you I'm going to get some coffee while I do that because I need to not be this high. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for saying that. I'm looking like Scary Krishna

all high. All right. Well, thanks for saying that off mic. Yeah, say that again. I'll say it again. That's not really the issue. Okay. All right.

Well, we are... How many minutes were we into this before it completely fell off the rails? Four. So, Andrea, this many minutes were we into this before it completely fell off the rails? Four. So, Andrea, this will probably be the only opportunity you have to talk for the rest of the show. Oh, that's fine. No, just paint Jesus as you do, you know? Oh, that's right.

We have to talk about that. You paint Jesus for a living. Yeah, that's my day job. Are you worried about them Googling anything you've done? I have it so that my Facebook is, you have to be friends with it to view anything. Okay, there's a little bit of a firewall between your professional and personal life. I do have a few clients that are like, I really should check out your stand-up sometime. I'm like, you should not.

I'll just never tell you when that is. You're part of a select group of Mean Boys guests who have been like, hey, I'm really excited to do this show. You can't tag me. Yeah, you could just please. Yeah, I really don't want to publicize that I know you. Because all the comments are going to have slurs of some sort in them. Best case, it's a friendly trans lady talking about the devil. Yeah, that's best case scenario.

So it's like a stained glass window company, right? Yeah, we paint stained glass windows. Yeah, so like a lot of church people come. So we do like Jesus and all the saints. And so like I design them and I make them. But it's, you know, my fear is always just like I'm going to be listening to a podcast like this one. And there's going to be a tour and it's going to come unplugged. And I'm going to get in a lot of trouble.

So try to be careful. Well, yeah, you're like Walter White. I'm trying to make Hey, Well, yeah, you're like Walter White. I'm trying to make Haywell the sun shining. Both her paintings and her windows are absolutely beautiful. Aw, thanks, Keith. They really are. Keith looks through them every night. She's a wonderful artist.

Well, ever since I got that job, that job is a stand-in gargoyle. Ever since I bought that ladder with it. I've known Andrea a long time. Yeah. I want like a stained glass series of just Keith Ray adventures. Just like this stage. That would be so fun. I would so love to do that.

The purification of Barstow where you're just throwing a snake at a truck. I could totally. That would be really fun to do actually as a series. That would rule. There's an album cover for you. Yeah. Oh, that would be great because I need an album cover. For the cotton pickers? No, I've got one. I's an album cover for you. Yeah. Oh, that would be great, because I need an album cover. For the cotton pickers?

No, I've got one in the can. I never released it. I think I went to that taping. That was like a year ago. Can Keith pay you in recycling? Because that's a big issue. He's got a whole fucking Subaru just loaded with cans.

He can pay you in loose buttons from the 1970s that are attached to some man or a cat. Do you accept Gorbachev campaign pins? I imported a cardboard box from Russia. How would you feel about receiving 70% of a getting lucky in Kentucky t-shirt? I did crop it up for the summertime. One of my biggest regrets in life.

It has minimal Rottweiler damage. I do rock crop tops sometimes. Yeah. You do? Tom just featured a crop top dude. I don't want to brag here, but I am the number one comedian on crop top dudes. Hell yeah. Wow. Is that your new Instagram handle?

Crop top dude? Yeah, it's like an aggregator of just pictures of guys wearing crop tops, but it's got 1,500 followers, so this is Tom's big moment. I'm just saying, number one comedian, no other comedians on there. I'm getting a crop top now just to fuck you over. You're just the only comedian in 1,500 pictures of guys. For what?

I mean, also, I wasn't trying to get this. Keith is the one who look at one of our fans tagged this weird the horny man belly button aggregator in the comments of the picture of you in the crop top and i was like well i'm not gonna not tell him to post tom yeah and then they did and that was yeah so now number one can be on crop top dudes who's the who's the worst client you've had making jesus stained glass windows uh the worst client, there's a couple of them. The Catholics? Usually what it is is it's the priests that they really have a lot of opinions about Jesus' body and abs.

Oh, really? And beards? Jack. Just a guy giving you really gay instructions? Yeah. And I want him to have that outside line that faces the abs. I feel like the Son of God would have a modest bulge. Yeah. And I want him to have that outside line that faces the abs. I feel like the Son of God would have a modest bulge.

I feel like priests just spend a lot of time alone, and so they're like the Star Trek nerds of the Bible. So they just have really strong opinions about whatever. They're like, actually, Paul was not a farmer. He was a merchant. He sold farmed goods, but in no way did he grow the goods. I guess it is the same voice as Michael Lawrence, pretty much. If he was into the Bible.

In the book of Revelation, it says that far shit. In Moses 65, Jack Kirby actually invented sin. You never get the credit, though. Mike is so nice to us, and all we do is make fun of his voice. It doesn't even sound like it. Yeah, don't give a shit. It's fine. It sounds like fat.

It sounds like fat Yoda. Pooping my car, I must. Plastic bags ruined our. 405 smelly is. Oh, shit. Okay, so yeah, they just want to like. They're just like, his beard needs to be a lot finer. I'm like, why do yeah they just want they're just like his beard needs to be a lot finer i'm like why do you have so much time to think about his beard yeah it's really uncomfortable this is gonna be like attendance is down it's because of that coarse

beard gazette oh what the fuck oh i'm so sorry i have to go it's always like jesus is bought it's like all the saints bodies like they get really like yeah like one uh priest told us that a saint's ass was too fat he used those words and he's a priest it was a lady it was a lady saint and i was like this feels worse oh yeah make all the women flat and gross yeah jack god doesn't love you unless you're on the opposite they want her to be like they're like she needs to be a little bit thinner she's Make all the women flat and gross. Jack. God doesn't love you unless you're unfuckable. No, it's the opposite. They want her to be like, she needs to be a little bit thinner. She's been getting too into the cookies.

I'm like, why are you so mad about women's bodies? Welcome to religion. Yeah. I don't like this. Yeah, we made up a sky grandpa, so now no women get to cum. I mean, people could assume that that's post-abortion fat, and we can't have that. Oh, God. Well, I like the idea of them being like, how fat of an ass can she have so that the

window obscures the vision of any parents who might be looking through the window? Oh, my favorite window we have, though, is there's this, so there's a ritual that's like one of the sacraments where you bless the altar boys, but there's a whole- There's a whole series. If you're a Catholicolic priest whenever you say something like that do you have to follow it with yeah i know like there's a whole series of windows that we found in our archives of young boys kneeling in front of priests with their hands the priest's hands on their head and it looks like yeah giving a blow job yeah oh yeah well i mean

they're they're supposed to be blessing them yeah Yeah, but that's not what it looks like. I know what it looks like, but I mean, when they were made, they weren't like an homage to pedophilia. No, you're right. Pedophilia is new. They definitely weren't doing this for thousands of years. But do you think that they would be so brazen? Yeah.

Have you read anything? Dude, Mother Mary was like 12. Dude, they've been spiking the football pedophilia for decades. Jesus is lady. She was 14. Some people think it's 12, some people think it's 14. The Madonna? You would know more than me. When the Virgin Mary gave birth she was 14. Well, Flea lost his virginity to her, actually.

Alright, well that's... We didn't have any virgins in my neck of the woods. That's hotughty. What? That one's going to fall on the ground flat. We don't need to explore that one anymore. That's honestly what he said about the women in his neck of the woods as well. I'll take us away with the jokes here.

A pregnant woman was jailed for two months after opening a can of Pringles in a store. Proving the old saying, once you pop, call the fucking cops. Twelve people are dead after drinking tainted moonshine in a village in India. Find out more in the upcoming film Eat Keith Ray Love. Oh, that's so good. A cheerleader for the 49ers

has been hailed as the first cheerleader to take a knee during the national anthem. However, she's certainly not the first cheerleader to get down on her knees for black men. Damn. Andrea really hates her job. Go and add it

with the BBC. I like how you printed your jokes out and now I'm just fantasy. You're going to leave them in your car and as you're unloading a window, it's going to slip out. You're like, you dropped this. You're like, what? Well, I think it's going to be a blue Christmas this you're like what well i think it's gonna be a blue christmas for the illuminati with the passing of george hw bush everybody's wondering who's gonna bring the cheese ball to the little girls of china pick and fuck christmas party

what the fuck it's gonna be a blue christmas for the it's going to be a blue Christmas for the Illuminati. It's late night with Alex Jones. Musical guest, Screwdriver. Oh, man. That was a great show. Really, those Chinese girls' names are picking fuck. Well, they've got to go somewhere. All the little girls they throw away in China, the Illuminati. Yeah, the Illuminati picks them up

for cheap. Are you familiar with this Illuminati pedophile island concept? No. Do you want to give her the vague rundown of this? I don't even know that much about it, but there's supposedly... I don't really know much about it. I think it's Jeffrey Epstein is a guy, and he just has this private island and all the flight logs are just like every

powerful person in the world. It's been... I don't know. People think there's for sure's just like, for some, it's been, I don't know, people think there's for sure kids over there. I couldn't really tell you. I don't know. I haven't gotten high and watched those YouTube videos in a while, so I'm not as informed as I was. Speaking of people who are high, Tom.

Yeah, man, I was not. Oh, I forgot you were high. Oh, yeah. I forgot you were here if I'm being honest. Yeah, I have 10 minutes. I've been thinking of things to say ten seconds too late throughout this whole... But pay attention. Got it. Business as usual. Yeah. No, I'm here as fuck, bro.

Six pediatricians ate a Lego. Sorry. Wait, they split one Lego? Man, these are some poor-ass pediatricians. Each of us eats one dot of the brick and we're all best friends forever. That's how this works.

Alright, goddammit. That's the pediatrician's fucking pinky swear is eating a Lego with your buddy. Alright, let's do it again.

Okay. You got this, champ. Yeah, six pediatricians ate a Lego head to see how long it would take

to dump out their their journey could be seen in the new scatman lego movie oh batman yeah all right man my god what did i do that was like watching a dog poop in slow motion. That was tough. That felt like it took 30 minutes. Oh, my God, Tom. Yeah, the seasons changed during that joke somehow. This went so way differently than I thought it would because Keith is fine. Keith's been a perfect gentleman. You took one small hit.

You were there. I wasn't choking down on it. Yeah. I don't know why Keith was going to walk into my room with our microwave under his shirt. We got away from the game a couple of times, and he's really stoned, and then he has to follow the ramblings of somebody in an alley for a joke, which my joke was all over the place. I'm on Tom's side here. Let's let him take a breath while we make it through the next round.

He's going to come back stronger than ever next time. As a friend and comedian, I totally agree with you, and I support Tom. As somebody whose job gets a little easier when Tom is panicked and fucked up, I said, God damn it, Tom, what did you do? Oh, I have no idea, man. I took one hit. I'm good, guys. Don't share joints with my brother.

The Mexican Joker. Drop the jingle again. Jesus, Tom. I'm so sorry It's okay People will probably like it Yeah, maybe Man, that was a non-convincing probably

Yeah, someone will probably get a kick out of Who are we kidding? We're putting this one on Patreon And we're gonna do another one later I'm kidding, guys You know, you waste your drive A homeless woman died after getting stuck in a clothing donation pen Upon discovering

the haunting scene, local police removed the body and reloaded the trap with prepaid cell phones and malt liquor. The idea is that that's the homeless guy mouse trap.

It's like, ooh, put the free clothes out, we close the lid, cut them in half, and then we go eat them and then we just do it again the next day. There you go.

It's a perfect ecosystem. Outrage has broken out on social media after Tumblr announced they will be banning all pornography, making today an incredible day to find out which of your facebook friends jerk off to weird my little pony shit like people are losing their mind they're just like oh there's not gonna be

more porn on tumblr i'm like it's the internet you'll be fine oh i have friends that like will only jack off on tumblr and weirdly bing they tell me? I guess it's just an aesthetically appealing wall of tits or something. I will say having used both Google and Bing searches, Bing, for some reason, their lock is worse. So you just get a lot more tits even when you're just looking for normal stuff. Oh, okay. So I think that might be part of it. Okay.

So just no matter what you're searching for, they're just mixing some point. Yeah. Well, Bing is like, okay, it's quarter four of this thing. We've got to make a move. Nobody is using this. What if we just let all the tits through? Yeah. I think that's what they're just mixing some porn in there. Well, Bing is like, okay, it's quarter four of this thing. We've got to make a move. Nobody is using this. What if we just let all the tits through? Yeah, I think that's what they're doing. It's like the Iron Chef of Google searches and the secret ingredient is tits. I haven't seen

porn databases since like 2009. Wow. I still roll with the XNXX. Same blue background, just like college. Okay. That's kind of a deep cuts porn engine. When you said porn database, I thought it was some sort of tub of wear full of VHS tapes you discovered. I do have a big gaggle of vintage VHS tape porn that was recorded by my buddy's Austin's stepdad.

Keith is jacking off to your mom. And I have sex tape of a buddy of mine. Oh, what? I have one of those old... Why'd you say that like it was a Jackie Robinson rookie card? And we've got one of those TVs that plays cassettes.

It's called a TV robbed an old gas station. Andrea has a question about this. Okay, quick poll. Who would be okay jacking off to a sex tape of their friend? I would 100%. Oh, no, I never. Yeah. Not a lot.

Oh, no, I've never jerked off to it. I would just say I did it. It's just part of the collection. I wouldn't, but as you can see, my friends are ugly. So, I mean, it's a different situation. I don't jerk off to that shit. I keep it to play in the background when I have parties and things like that at my house. Yeah, when I have an Oswald Shutt orgy

down at the half a trailer I rent. You're like Andy Warhol for the toothless man. That's my part. I paint soup because it's the only thing I can eat. Have you ever made a sex tape, Keith? No. I thought you had.

I fisted this chick when I got back to Los Angeles this last time. I've never done that before. You're the only person I'll ever ask. I got back to Los Angeles last time I've never done that before I need you to use the word consensually in any sexual story it was very consensual Tinder, her place she was going down on me before the fucking credits

to the office were over so I went to throw my I just threw a couple of digits in, you know, and she was like, you can use three. And as soon as I realized that I could use three, like the fourth one just went in there. Well, the pinky is just kind of there. I left the thumb out.

Like you're Keith Ray. Nice to meet you. So I could work it, you know, and I was doing this kind of him hall, like seesaw fucking motion in her pussy. Sock seesaw fucking motion in her pussy. Sock puppet. Oh, in her pussy? Oh, no. Why is that worse? It's not better.

It's worse. Most black chicks won't give you the ass. What? Anyway, so... Sound off in the comments if you... So, anyway, like, then eventually we have sex, even though, like, I probably shouldn't have because, like, her viscosity was all off. Like, the pH level in there wasn't normal.

Are you a doctor? Is this because of the blood or the Cheeto crumbs on your hand? I don't know what was really going on, but it was... I half expected there to be strings, like spittle off a big sandwich. It didn't help that you did the bugles on your fingertips before you went in. He's talking about a pussy like he's a marine biologist. And it's an ecosystem.

Yeah, and the queen had a light on it to attract smaller fish than it consumes. You gotta flashlight the carp. Man, hey, it's good to see you like this. I went to the Mariana's Trench. That's what they call it, actually. That's a bar that Keith's banned from, actually. So I got my hand in the cake batter, and I'm like trying to figure out what my next move is, and I figure I'll just hit it from the back,

and she rolls over, and I do against my better judgment. Like I said, pH level in there, it was swampy. So I'm hitting it from the back, and it's going pretty well. She's enjoying herself. I'm trying to maintain an erection,

fucking this big old waterbed mattress of a bitch. I realize that she's watching us fuck in the mirror over her vanity. In that big mirror. And I just hurried up and finished because, like, I wasn't even going to be able to keep a boner. Like, the only reason I was able to keep the boner in the first place after all that shit was because I didn't have third-party perspective. Now I realize she's watching it just turn me all out

of myself, so I don't think I could ever film myself fucking. Well, Keith just found out recently that when you close your eyes, you're not invisible. That's how I work. I get it, though, man. I've fucked in front of a mirror before, too, and I've been like, oh, man, I'm weird. I'm angular. Yeah.

There are certain angles I can do a mirror with, but any mirror situation where it's had a profile to me, bad news, babe. I like a from behind, like, eye contact thing. It looks like Alfred Hitchcock is cameoing in my girlfriend. You know, in that situation. Yeah, that's cute. It's romantic. It is romantic, yeah.

But other than that, I'm like, I don't need to see the full. I don't need to see my fucking bony hips while I'm doing this. Yeah, I would hate to watch myself fuck. Exactly. But some people, like, that's their thing. And, like, good for them. Like, at least that's not hurting anybody. What?

You know, just don't film people without their permission. What do you mean it's not hurting anybody? You've broken three video cameras trying to make this. They just start smoking and melt. Like, they just watched the Ring video. Is it your turn, Andrea? It is. Cool.

Okay, let's see. Okay, Florida police made another arrest involving a bombing planned by a white supremacist. For a bombing accomplished by a white supremacist, listen to Keith Ray's comedy album, Nazi Hospital. That was really good. I really like Andrea's jokes because she does them like she's reading the morning announcements in high school. For more about this, listen to Keith Ray's racist comedy. What is today's lasagna? That album's about putting the Nazis in the hospital, man.

All right. Well, that offsets about 30% of that waterbed mattress of a bitch comment from earlier uh okay fair enough i like black people hate women are we all on the same page no i'm just kidding it was just a joke anyway you understand that it's hard to tell sometimes yeah i'm not good with are you aware that you still use it yeah yeah i hate sarcasm because i never people never get when i'm being sarcastic anyway you look like ted nugent like bit the cowardly lion i'm just i used to be a very intelligent person and now i'm very ate up and so i still have some function but i'm kind of

dumber than i used to be so i say things that are dumb sometimes and they were tuning in i don't know what you mean crack rocks for algebra yeah you can cut all that shit. Hey, man, it's raw. It's podcasting. Ronnie and Shamari DeVoe of Rich Housewives of Atlanta fame have been publicly in a spat over Shamari's announcement that their marriage is a result of an open relationship. Well, I guess that just goes to show you, if your wife can't keep her legs closed, she probably won't keep her mouth neither. All right. All right. I was trying to set that up. Here's what's amazing to me. Bombed.

So many news websites exist. There were so many things that happened in the world. Yet somehow you settled on a feud between two reality TV starlets. Well, I wanted to do nothing but tariffs and treason and scandal and accidents and you're like, let's see what's going on over on Bravo. I wanted to do three different types of news. I had the Illuminati global news

with the death of the president. Then I wanted to do tabloid news and now I've got one more. I go to juneews.biz. I can't wait to see what that next category is. It's local news. News ain't happened yet. Okay, in local news, I broke your toilet, and I'm sorry.

Tom, you're up. I know. Oh, I forgot Tom is still here. Yeah, guys, I'm so sorry. This was way, okay. Because earlier, Tom was like, my stomach's acting up, and I was like, can I offer you some Pepto-Bismol or some Tums? And you went, no, I don't trust medicine. You smoked a big fucking fat dube with the scariest man we know.

I just want to give Tom one of those silver blankets for disasters. Like the U-Haul packing blanket? That would actually be, I'd welcome that right now. Tom, did your parents just die in a flood? Tom, the sole survivor of Hurricane Tom's brain. Yeah. That was a mistake.

A police officer is being praised for saving a choking infant's life on the side of the freeway. The NRA responded, okay, now imagine how good we could have saved her life if there was a gun involved. Not bad. Okay, I can't believe I got one.

I mean, it's no Lego Scatman movie, but, man, that feels like a thousand years ago. It sure does. Lego Scatman would have been better if you'd said it like a human being speaks. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I distance myself from human speak. By the way, Tom was pantomiming a gas pedal during that remark. You know what's incredible? I just realized what the next segment is. Oh, yeah. Don't spoil it yet.

We won't. Okay, guys. Into the final round. Madrid has banned high pollution vehicles in its city center. And a related story, Keith Ray's torso has been banned from Madrid. Quentin Tarantino and his girlfriend were married last week. She's

registered at Pottery Barn, while the director is registered at Lady Foot Locker. I do imagine he has a lock. You know how guys have their shoe collection with all the shelves? He's just got like, this is a Polynesian 24-year-old single mother. Got these on a beautiful vacation. He has a wine cellar

full of loose shoes. Yeah, just severed feet and socks. Yeah, it really preserves the musk. Come down here to just take a whiff, say the N-word aloud. Really fake. Yeah, using your joke, it's like, I went down to Starbucks and I think I sold some dirty socks to Mac tonight on a Craigslist deal. He was horned up up i think he was in the bathroom fucking going to town because it

was locked up for 20 minutes man there's a somebody wrote like a whole blog about like they hooked up with quentin tarantino and it was just like yeah he licked my feet and jerked off and his dick is really small and i'm like oh he's just trying to have a good time what the fuck we should go back to what isaac hirsch told us that I do like to raise awareness of. David Dorward. Oh, David Dorward. That's right. My two forgettable white friends.

I get them confused. Told us that he has a buddy that fucked Quentin Tarantino and he has a bed shaped like a foot. Now, I need no further corroboration of this claim to believe it to be true in the deepest pit of my heart. And I believe he hired a contractor to build it and once the bed was done, killed the contractor, hit him in the shoes. Yeah, exactly. Andrea, you're up.

The creator of Spongebob Squarepants had his funeral this week. He was buried in a coffin under the ground. Steven Hellenberg. Okay. A wholesome finish. Yeah, yeah. Nice.

Breaking news. My house is a Trans Am and it is being towed by a Mexican. Well, you've said some offensive things, but this show is only coming out on CB radio, so I do feel better about the odds of us getting in trouble. Breaker, breaker breaker 420. Shits hit the fan in Galveston at 45th and K Avenue.

Homeless men have been spotted defecating in the residence front yards. Police are confident they will find their man seeing as they've narrowed their suspects down to homeless people who smell like shit.

Man, I didn't realize you were getting your news from a police blotter. It was a crime watch. Okay. I called my mom this morning and asked her what was on crime watch. That's not a crime watch. That's your racist mom with a pair of binoculars looking out the window. No, if they had taken a shit in my parents

house's yard, my parents would have invited them in to use their toilet. Wow. Not call the fucking cops. Whatever happened to Southern Hospitality? You know? Letting a guy with fingerless gloves blow up the can. Maybe they'd let him take a shower.

Give him a towel. That kind of thing. What I think is a dog shits in your yard and your mom calls the cops and says there's six black men outside. That's more of what the tone of it is. One of the guys got caught shitting in somebody's yard and left his pants. So I think they probably found him because he doesn't have any fucking pants. Hey, Tom, you were about to say why did he leave his pants when you have left your pants in another state before?

Yeah, that's true. I don't know how much license you have to talk when you get out of the car in 20 degree weather in the middle of Oklahoma in December and go, oh yeah, I left my pants in California. To be fair, though, I've remembered my pants since then.

You have? Yeah. Quick aside, Connor, is one of your pillowcases just a towel? Yeah. It is, actually. You wrapped it up like it's leftovers from a Chinese restaurant. Hey, Connor, what'd you do with all that Comedy Central money? Well, yeah, the Yeezys are behind me, and then the towel for the pillowcase is right over there, if you're really interested.

Oh, my God. The pillowcase costs seven of dollars. There's a pillowcase under there. I put a towel over every day for acne purposes. Okay. That's the actual answer. That's a little life hack for you kids out there. All right, Tom. I'm ready for you.

You've regrouped. You're going to bring it. Oh, yes. Joe. Bane Oh, yes. Joe. Bane. Bane back at you. Do the focus Bane, Tom. A Japanese pilot was fired.

Never mind. Don't do that. Bane, old lady. You want no? No Bane? No Bane, yeah. A Japanese pilot was fired for showing up to work drunk. He defended himself saying, if you can't drink and fry, why is beer-battered

fish a thing? Damn! Bam, bam, bam! That was some top shelf. Tom come out swinging. There we go, dude. I'm glad you picked your one good one a year for right now. That's going to take us right into the break.

We'll be right back with more Mean Boys right after this. Hey there, Mr. Watts. Sorry to bother you. Wow, what a beautiful view. I know. Moved here a couple weeks ago. Top floor. I got a view of all of New York. It's great. Who would have thought I'd be working on the top floor of a skyscraper? It's awesome, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really quite the office you got here. Anyway, I wanted to run some ideas by you before our meeting on Friday. I thought we were going to meet up September 12th, tomorrow. Today is September 11th. No point in setting meetings if we don't follow through with them. I'm a very busy man. Oh, jeez, I'm sorry about that, Mr. Watts.

Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. I think I ate some bad fish last night. You feeling all right? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, just... Um... Oh my god, what's happening? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please excuse me. What? No, not that. The floor's shaking. I think

the building's on fire. I know, I know, I know. What the fuck? Do you think I did that? What, With your fart? No. What are you talking about? Then what is it? I don't know. Maybe something hit us or it's a secret controlled demolition.

I know it wasn't the fart. You don't know that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do. Look, it probably wasn't the fart, but I just... I need to make sure. I got another one brewing. You're focusing on your asshole right now. The building we're in is on fire. Oh, my God. He blew up the other tower.

You told me it wasn't me. I didn't know. It was an accident. It was an accident. Calm down. You need to calm down. Never eat bad fish. Oh, my God. Building 7 is on fire. I let out a silent one. I'm so sorry. I let out a silent one. 9-11.

An inside bot. Hey, and welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. What better time to get around of our favorite game, ladies and gentlemen, Tom Tomperdy. I think

I announced that like a motherfucker. Yeah. Your eyes are moving like one of those cat clocks from the movies. Oh, man. The amount of white knuckling Tom has to do to say one sentence normally. Oh, my God. Even though it sounded like the game was called Ladies and Gentlemen for a minute. Keith, are you familiar with Tomperdy?

No. It's time to play Ladies and Gentlemen. I show you a picture. You have to guess the birth genitals. So you know the Tom lightning round, right? Yes. It's basically that in reverse. He has categories.

He gives us the lightning round definition of something. We have to figure out what the real thing is. Okay. So you just raise your hand when you know it. Tom decides who raised their hand first. Yeah. Connor, do you want to keep score? No.

I can't do that. Let's not do that. Yeah, everyone just keeps trying to keep your own score. Yeah, that'll work. Yeah. All right. So you score. Yeah, that'll work. Yeah. All right. So you guys ready for your categories? Yeah.

Yeah. Actually, let's say Bearcom to buzz in. Okay. Yeah. Bearcom. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I forgot about Bearcom.

Okay. Your categories are sharks. Already bad. Yes. One of these is going to be a whale. Yeah. One of them is Mark Cuban. Okay.

Movies I hate. Dead people I don't understand. Oh, shit. These are some doozies. And rocks. 500. The. Okay, I will kick it off.

I'm going to say rocks for 100. Rocks for 100. Only we fuck rocks. What? Fucking bear cum. Statues? No. Oh.

Bear cum. Connor. Geodude? No. Anybody got an idea? Bear cum. Turtles. No. Anybody got an idea? Bear cum. Turtles. No.

Good guess. They do shit on rocks, though. That is... Andre, you got anything? I can't. I can't begin. I have no idea. All right.

It was diamond. A wedding ring. You're like, hey. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Oh, God. This is already Only we fuck. Oh, man. Oh, God. This is already expuriating. Oh, man. Let's just do all the rocks first

so we can get them out of the way. Rocks for two. Rocks for two. A lot of little ground. Bear cum. Sand. Points. Rocks for three. The loud rock. Bear cum. Volcano. No. Bear cum. Heavy metal. No. Bearcum.

Heavy metal. No. Fireworks? No. Oh, I can't go again. Bearcum. Hmm. Come on. Yeah.

My guess, even though it's out of contention, Pop Rocks? No, Sand. Again? That's 200. What? What was it? Loud Rocks contention, Pop Rocks? No, Sand. Again? That's 200. What? What was it? Loud Rocks. Oh, Loud Rocks.

Sorry. Okay. Yeah, Loud Rock was rock and roll. I said heavy metal. That is close enough. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. This is a mess.

Tom, you are too high. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Tom, God help us all. Rocks for 400. Okay. Well, no. I have the board, God help us all. Rocks for 400. Okay. Well, no. I have the board now.

Oh, yeah. Rocks for three. That was... Where are your rocks? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Well, then rocks for four. Well, glad we worked that out.

I like that I was a dick about it for just no reason. The giant, fast, charismatic rock. Bearcum. The rock. Yes. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Fast is a weird adjective Yeah

He's fast and furious Oh I thought you just meant He could run a 440 or something Yeah I thought you were presuming Sure 500 52 Rocks

Wait 52 Rocks? Bearcum America No How many states do you think there are? He was counting Puerto Rico and Virgin Islands. And Guam, yeah.

Oh, shit. 52 rocks. 52 weeks on the calendar. Fucking bearcum, a calendar. No. Okay. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I got nothing.

Bearcum, the periodic table? No. Ooh, good guess, though. Bear cum sundial? No. It was a rock lobster. Did they say the word rock 52 times? No.

From 1952? The B-52s. Oh. I thought that one was more obvious than... How? How did you think that, you son of a bitch? Why did it wind up being 500 if it's so easy? We all thought 52 weeks, and we're like, what rock means time?

I never said weeks. I know, but that's kind of where you go when you hear 52. I dig that. It's like if I said 365, you'd go, degrees? No, you'd think days. All right, Connie, you have control of the board. All right, I'm going to go dead people you don't understand for 100. God help me.

Side proposition, one of these men will be alive. That's a good point. For 100? I'm kind of an asshole lady. Bearcum, Margaret Thatcher. No. I was going to actually guess that,

which is the scariest thing ever that we had the same thought. Bearcum, Margaret Thatcher. No. I was going to actually guess that, which is the scariest thing ever that we had the same thought. Bearcum, Barbara Bush. Oh, that would have been better, though. Bearcum, George Bush. No. Oh, God. Lady. Wait, it's a lady, though?

You guys still guessed George Bush? I said Barbara Bush. She's kind of a woman. I did a joke answer because I had nothing. And I'm already in the lead. Andre, you got anything? I don a woman. I did a joke answer because I had nothing. I'm already in the lead. Andrea, you got anything? I don't know. I have no idea.

Marilyn Monroe. What? All right. Okay. I'm worried these might just be bad. Yeah, me too, man. Dead people for 200. Okay.

How did you run out of ideas to compress into bad summaries? There's so many, and you picked the ones that are bad.200. Okay. How did you run out of ideas to compress into bad summaries? There's so many, and you picked the ones that are bad. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to. I'm joke-teasing you. No, no, no. I'm good.

I'm good. Okay. You don't sound so sure. Gravity hates me guy. Oh. Gravity hates me guy. Bear cum. That guy who fell out of the window of the World Trade Center. No. Bear cum. Oh. Gravity hates me, guys. Bearcum.

That guy who fell out of the window at the World Trade Center. No. Bearcum. Eric Clapton's kid. No. Bearcum Isaac Newton? No. Bearcum, the monkey that Russia sent into space?

Shit. Can I guess now? Is it Tom Petty? No, it was Kennedy. Why? Gravity hates me? What? He crashed a plane. That'd be JFK Jr., but sure. JF? Because he crashed a plane. That'd be JFK Jr., but sure.

JFK Jr.? God damn it. Well, these are just not specific enough to even be in contention. Dead guys for three. We just talked about a lot of bigs. Okay, largey tiny. Oh, yo, bear cum. Biggie?

Yes. All right, sure. Largey tiny? Yeah. And then the sure. Biggie Smalls. Long and tiny. And then the ones that you can guess are just lazy. That's just what you thought he was called. Dead People for Four. That Bug Man. That Bug Man.

Oh, fuck. Bearcum. Harvey Milk. No. Damn, I was going to say Freddie Mercury. Same joke. Bearcum. Stanley? No. Okay. Damn, I was going to say Freddie Mercury. Same joke. Bear cum. Stan Lee?

No. Okay. A bug guy? Oh, he thinks Stan Lee just invented Ant-Man. Well, I meant Spider-Man. Oh, yeah, it's a bug, too. There you go. Yeah.

Anybody got anything? Bug man? Yeah, what famous entomologist? Like, what is that? Oh, God help us. What is it? I love Entomans. The movie Arachnophobia? Yeah, that man. What is it? God help us. What is it? I love endermen.

The movie Arachnophobia? Yeah, that man. No, John Lennon. John? Oh, he's a beetle. Oh. Shit. Dead Guys for Five.

Am I? I can't tell if I'm doing really well or really poorly. You're splitting the difference. I mean, yeah. Everybody that's not the audience is winning right now. I think maybe in the future, if you're going to do it, like dead musicians or something, just so we have a little more to go on. Because I don't know if you're aware of this. A lot of people have died over the course of history.

A hundred billion is the estimation. To be fair, we're putting this on him. We've done this game. We usually do really well at this. It's true, yeah. So maybe you are just killing us. Yeah. Okay.

Dead for five. Uh, god damn it. It's like fucking computer zoomed in. I don't know. Oh my god. I did it. You got it? Okay.

Why does anyone listen to this? Don't worry, they won't anymore. Now everyone left somewhere around the mattress story and then... Yeah, for everybody, this is day two of Snark Week. Day one, we're like, this is going to be a breeze. We could do another week if we had to. Now I'm like, uh-oh. Okay, fascist Russian word bitch.

Fascist Russian word bitch? Oh, my God. The question is, who does Tom think is Russian that isn't? Yeah. Oh, shit. I got nothing. Bear Cum. Yeah.

Ayn Rand. Yes, correct. Bang. Damn. Nice. Damn, son. I got something like 10,000 points now, I think, for some reason. I don't remember the other horrible categories.

What are they again? That was good. Movies that I hate and sharks. All right. Let's go sharks for 100. Okay. The MAGA shark. Oh, Bearcum. Great white shark.

Correct. Oh, shit, damn. All right, we're getting back on. Sharks for two. I was legitimately trying to think if Trump had been friends with a guy with the nickname shark. Because it seems like a guy you know. The Hey Arnold slash stewie shark uh the hammerhead yes that's correct yeah that classic line from hey arnold hey hammerhead

it's the same shape nope not even a little guy yeah so Tom tried to build a house with a football. Didn't go great. You said 300? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Sharks for 300? Sharks for 300. A lot of little ground sharks. Bearcum? Your family?

Wait, Bearcum? Nurse Sharks? Ah, here's what's fucked up. Maybe. Wait, what do you mean maybe? You wrote it. I went with the shark species nickname. I don't know its actual main... It was a sand shark.

Is that... I don't know. I don't know enough. I'm not a shark scientist. Mainstream. It's a mainstream shark name. Man. Keep going.

Keep going Keep going Sharks for four Discovery shark Should bear come Shark week Yes Yeah Alright

Sharks for five I guess Ball pocket shark Ball Bear come Pool shark Correct Oh

Mother fucker That's so good The other answer Could be you Yeah Wait what Movies for one Nothing Movies for one Correct. Oh, motherfucker. That's so good. The other answer could be you. You'd have your hand. Yeah. Wait, what? Movies for one.

Nothing. Movies for one. All right. Which is also what Tom's favorite. Movies you don't like, right? Yeah. Yes, these are movies I do not like. One?

100 movies that I hate. Oh, no, we're too Italian. Bearcub, The Godfather. Points. No. I asked him if he'd ever seen The Godfather. He's no, we're too Italian. Bearcub, The Godfather. Points. Oh. I asked him if he'd ever seen The Godfather. He's like, I fucking hate it. It's just about how Italian they are.

It is. Like, oh, I could not do this very simple thing if I just am at my daughter's wedding. God damn it. Oh, boy. Movies for two. Sure, boy. At least for two. Sure, yeah. Okay.

The Lucky Chocolate Dip Shit. Oh, back up. Back up. Four is count. Correct. Yeah. Three. The Lucky Chocolate Dip Shit?

That was Charlie and the Chocolate Bag. Oh, and your album title. What is this? Nazi Hospital. Lucky Chocolate Dip Shit. All right. For 300. You actually smoked Flucky chocolate dip kit. Alright, for 300. You actually smoked some of Willy Wonka's meth and this is what happened.

They had to straightjacket you out of the fucking factory with the Oompa Loompas. Oh, 300. Planes go down sometimes. Oh, Bearcum, Sully. Correct. Dude, you've only seen four movies. I don't know if there's a movie category. It's the same movies. I do have a bit of an advantage because I have had to listen to Tom yell at me about Sully. Correct. Dude, you've only seen four movies. Don't know if there's a movie category. It's the same movies.

I do have a bit of an advantage because I have had to listen to Tom yell at me about Sully on multiple. You did a Tom Hanks round on the last time you did this game. I did? Yeah, and you used two of these. Oh, no. Oh, no. You made this game sober, too. This is not like this has been an all day problem.

You did this last night after a cup of coffee and a cigarette. You were ready to go. Movies for four. Oh, man. I'm blowing it, guys. Oh, fuck. All right. Coal Miners versus Blue People.

Oh, Bearcub. Avatar. Points. Shit. Oh, man. I added a second too late. Movies for five. Whew. man. Movies for five. Okay. Movies for 500.

Superhero dating and a dude with a guitar. Bearcum. Scott Pilgrim. Points. That's it, right? Here's our final solution. Yeah, final solution. Final solution?

Remember, Tom, you do have to hum the guessing music. Okay. All right. So everyone, let's just honor phones and take our answers down. Yeah, honor system. Write it down. Category is things that you have.

Oh, great. Okay. What? Things that you have. It's either going to be a body part or a sword. So give us the clue and then do the music Alright Clue is word clouds Okay

Do do do Do do do Do do Do do do Do do Just imagine a horror movie where a woman's being tortured To this It sounds like a girl from the Dragon Tattoo suspense scene.

Are you guys still riding? I'm good. I got mine. All right, I got mine. Okay. Your answers. I wagered 100, and I wrote thoughts. Okay.

I wagered infinity points, and I wrote thoughts. Okay. I wagered infinity points, and I guessed memories. Okay. I also had thoughts, and I wagered all my 300 points. Okay. I had no way cap score. I put thoughts as well, but with two H's. That was also my wager. Only Keith is right.

Thoughts. Hey. Hey. All right. Well, it looks answer? Thoughts. Hey. Hey. All right. Well, it looks like I win again. Yeah. So when do you send me the prize money? Huh?

We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. Keith Carey here to tell you that the Mean Boys podcast is proudly sponsored by DumpBucket.biz. If you're like me, you like having buckets and buckets of human shit on hand 24-7. But getting to the dump store is so inconvenient. But DumpBucket.biz is a subscription service that gives you access to a new bucket

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we should have called it poo apron Connor can we record it again hey kids if you like bop it you'll love Hasbro's newest game just for Italians wop it wop it hey wop it oh If you like Bop It, you'll love Hasbro's newest game just for Italians. Wop It.

Wop It. Hey! Wop It. Oh! Twist it. What's the matter, you? Wop It. Muddle!

Forget about it. I didn't see nothing. Coming soon from Hasbro. Hasbro, the leading name in hopefully getting away with saying Wop. And now a clip from today's Patreon bonus episode featuring Felicia Folks and Hannah Einbinder. I think, well, I used to be really into dubstep when I was like 14. Would not have guessed that.

Yeah. Like I went to, like, I loved Skrillex and would like go. Hey, Green Day doesn't seem so bad now, does she? Felicia's just calling an Uber right now. She deletes me on Facebook. Calls the Uber and just kicks Hannah into it. Bye, bitch. Bye.

I love dubstep. It was the only way to channel sort of what I felt was going on inside of me, which was those noises, I think. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Yeah, truly. Dubstep is the feeling when you haven't updated your mental video drivers. You're like, ah, it's just skipping. I do own a version of one of Skrillex's albums,

but he had an orchestra. He wrote the music and had an orchestra play it. That's actually kind of awesome. It's lovely. Because you think like... Now that I say it out loud, I'm not embarrassed of it. I'm just picturing the violins like... It's great.

I mean, I'll absolutely play it for you guys. It's great, but yeah. We can put that on right now. Skrillex. Pull that up. Orchestral. We'll have this on in the background for ambiance here. Well, I'm going to take a little listen.

Oh, this was in the... All right, so... This is Skrillex. It kind of just sounds like the beginning of an Avatar movie right now. Yeah, it kind of sounds like the music from the Let It Snow movie. And when you think about it... You know, I thought that the dubstep was what was inside of me, but really... You know, sometimes you bang the ring, and sometimes the ring bangs you.

And that's the lesson of Skrillex's music. This is a boring Zelda game. God, it's been two hours. I don't even have a sword yet. It is so funny because this is like genuinely like beautiful and moving. But the video is just still image of Skrillex's dumb shit. Spray painting. Dad, fuck you, Dad.

That's what the album is called. Yeah, where it's like I punched an avche, and then it bled my name. Fuck yeah. Monster Energy presents the opera. Tough step as shit. Oh, dude, the Monster Energy opera? The usher is just Tom? Yeah, I don't know where your seats are, but just fight for them.

That's what we've been doing. It's been working out. You like the three tenors? Well, now they're on ATV. Yeah, stay away from Charlie in 1A. He brought a gun. Is this a Skrillex song that's been rearranged? Yeah.

Okay. I'm telling you, man. He's really good. I'm waiting for his drop. I like this. That's why I don't think it's good. Yo, this shit makes me

want to believe in myself. I'm telling you. I was told by a cartoon squirrel. Is Skrillex bi? Or am I thinking of someone else? Yes.

I think you're just thinking of his haircut. Oh, really? Oh, neat. Well, I guess now we can call him gay-toven. I wasn't going to say it unless I knew the information. I think he's also a Scientologist.

What? No way. He's a Scientologist. He gets better and better by the second. Dude, he's converted thousands of Instagram stars that are 12 years old to the face. I know a lot about Skrullet. I had the biggest crush on him in high school. Yeah, and I know, I know, but, you know, I just love him.

Well, we've got a special guest coming in. Your dad again. He's very upset. Hannah, you need to start paying for your own phone bill. No, Skrillex is a good bi crush, though, because he's got that androgyny thing going on. Yeah, like half his head is shaved. Yeah, him and Tilda Swinton having a what's-going-on-down-there party somewhere. I should have realized.

You kind of want to fuck a guy, but mostly want to fuck a vampire. Yeah, what's that sexuality? But okay, I'm glad we did that. So let's get into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call.

Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys. That was our jingle. Every week you can tweet us your questions on Twitter. Send us an email at meanboyspodcast at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. That's 304-805-6326 for all you simpletons out there. PataR, I don't know what the fuck that is,

asks, without giving any context, what is the funniest statement you have ever heard in your life? Mine is probably, hey, have you guys done Andrew Dice game at a file murderer? I think the best one is

the first time I saw Girls Gone Wild was in my hockey coach's attic from Mr. Tom Goss. Yeah. Yeah, good to think of it. Mine is probably I've gotten some of the best sleep

of my life on the floor of the Anaheim Convention Center. There's a couple early early singles. It really got me hooked on talking. Yeah, I make nonsense. I don't know what mine is. Yeah, you had some pretty good ones last night. You dubbed yourself the emotional cowboy.

I think that's a good fucking nickname for Tom. The emotional cow. What is the logic there? I don't remember. I don't even remember saying that. You got you got a little high nickname for Tom, the emotional cowboy. What is the logic there? I don't remember. I don't even remember saying that. You got a little high. You were high, too. God, I don't like this pattern.

Anyway. So you'd be riding the emotions like a horse. Yeah. You got to tame them. Yeah, that works. You got to break your emotions and tame them. Yeah. And brush them every day.

Right. And ride them. Yeah. And feed them Sour Patch Kids so that they don't keep you up all night with tears. One of my roommates called me a social gutter fly. Oh, that's cute. That's pretty good. That's a great turn of phrase.

That's very good. Should have opened with that instead of the rape joke. This is a great segment. Tom also said last night to me, and this is good without context, because I write down things Tom says when he's high just because it's funny to read later. I forget what we're talking about but he says the right ratio will present itself that's a real bad is why i'm like are you making homebrew thermite what about you on jay i think my favorite thing that i've ever heard and the dude didn't understand why it was funny is

this man got really drunk at a comedy show and kept heckling every performer until the headliner finally let him do a joke and he stumbled on his seat he's like i'm gonna do a joke and of course the security's like no and like rushing towards him he goes i've been happily married five times and then they drug him off stage and he goes no there's more. I'm like, no, that's the joke. That's a good joke. That's so funny. Yeah, that's fine. I did that same thing one time where I was running a show, and this guy was heckling all the time.

I'm like, you want to come do a joke thing? I'm like, oh, and then we're going to give this guy the business. And I gave him the mic, and he just started yelling the N-word and doing an impression of a gorilla and got an applause break. Oh, no. What? That was in Bananas. Bananas, Bananas.

Unfortunately named club for this to happen at. But yeah. That's when Keith used to run an open mic at a racist bar in Anaheim that he charged you

five dollars to bomb at. I would like to clarify that Keith Carey was the one that ran that open mic. Keith Ray is the one who did the bit.

He also owned the bar and lived there. He swung right into that one. Jesse, attorney at Flaw, writes, if you meet your 12-year-old self, how would they react to where your present self is career-wise, looks-wise, etc.? Interesting question. Well, I'm Keith Ray

and I'll answer this. I'm aging backwards at a Benjamin Button, so when I meet my 12-year-old self, I will be 72. I'll have more wisdom than I know what to do with, and I'll be hornier than ever. I'm having my sexual peak at 73. If I met my 12-year-old self, I'm knocking bitches up.

I'm still shooting clear cum. I'm 12. I'm the oldest 12-year-old there ever was. I got a Hot Wheels sticker on my walker. I think it's pretty cool. Would we be happy with ourselves if our 12 year old selves met us? Relatively.

Okay. Did you think when you were 12 you're like, oh, when I lose this baby fat and I grow nine inches. I think I still had a sliver of self-confidence when I was 12. That was before it really imploded.

You have way too much self-confidence. But as a child, it all fell apart, and I've built up a terrifying layer of it around me now. Any 12-year-old would be okay. Be like, oh, you met Gilbert Godfrey. I think you'd think that was cool. What do you think, Andrea?

Where would you be at? Yeah, I didn't know I was going to get good-looking, so that is really nice it worked out well because i still have a personality so it's like cool uh but yeah i didn't know i was gonna like be cute because like in 12th grade like when i was 12 i was like tackling boys and like fighting them more right so like this is a new thing for me like when you're ugly when you if you're like fat or ugly when you're younger and you grow out of it for some reason that's the equivalent of finding a used car that like it was a little old lady

she drove it to the store once a week it's got no highway miles it's perfect condition so when you meet someone to date and you're like oh yeah no I had a mole the size of my entire cheek until I was 30 you're like whoa fuck

you're gonna be awesome I think 12-year-old me would be very disappointed. Yeah, well, let's ask him. He's still in your basement. Oh, I forgot I made that clone out of stem cells and Jager mice. Hey, old me, this is

not what the scientist told you to do. I think I wanted to be a historian when I was 12. In a way, you kind of are. But just for you. Or a saxophone player. I probably wanted to be a historian when I was 12. In a way, you kind of are. But just for you. Or a saxophone player. I probably wanted to be a saxophone player. I played the saxophone. One, historian.

Two, saxophone player. Two, the shittier Bill Clinton. Hold on. You're in a band, and you tell stories about your life on stage. I guess I kind of. You are a jazz historian. You're a personal historian. Okay. I guess that kind of... You are a jazz historian. You're a personal historian. Okay, I guess that's

kind of true. I also think we should start calling you the Jaeger Maestro. Social gutterfly. Oh, our band broke up over creative differences. What? How long did that last? We talked about breaking up. Wait, you broke up between when you plugged it earlier and now?

Pretty much. It was quick. It was quick, yeah. Well, we're on hiatus. We've talked about getting back together. We lost Ricky. For another album. We can't get rid of Washboard. How are we going to be us? He wants to make Tropical Jazz Fusion and I want to make something that's fucking

listenable. I'm going to be honest, nothing sounds more listenable to me than you trying to do Tropical Jazz. I will give you $20 if you record this. I'll buy the Tommy Bahama shirts myself. I'll just load you up with coconuts. I'm 100% serious. The Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville, Universal Studios CityWalk, they let amateur bands play there sometimes.

I went there one time with Kyle Clark and we saw a band. Start a tropical jazz fusion band. I will do the paperwork. I will email and pretend to be your manager. We're getting you booked at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. I could talk to Austin. Okay. Oh, dude, we're going to get the band back together.

We're going to get the band back together. We will have a Mean Boys meet up at Margaritaville. We will make it happen. I know people who work at Universal Studios. I was kind of into our whole anarcho-folk sound. Yeah, well, that's gay and lame. Do this. Yeah, just write a 30-minute set, all right? And then you're going to have the best show of your life.

Well, no, here's the thing. You can play whatever you want once you're at the Margaritaville. That's true. You've got to have enough to show them to be like, I have Margaritaville energy. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know if the other guy's fat, but you could call yourself the Beached Boys. Well, I'm working on a new band right now called Dan X and the Rosambians. What?

That's not bad. Yeah, all of our songs tell the stories from the original Roseanne TV show from the 90s. And I remember that one episode Where Dan gets fired Ironically, Keith Ray has to take Ambien To not be racist He dreams in black and white Like a dog

But mostly white What did 12-year-old Tom think about where you're at? He'd be really confused It's the same As you? Oh, he'd be really confused. It's the same. As you told me, he was very specific. Like, what? You dropped out of the reptile society?

That was so many lives ago, dude. I was super into being Buddhist then. That was like my whole deal. Man. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking scary Krishna, dude. All right. Horatio Von Zipper asked, what's the dividing line between good and evil?

Tom's Mohawk? Tom's Mohawk The right half of him Devious It's blurry and askew and never quite where you thought it would be You're the one who gave me this Mohawk I know that's why I'm mocking it Keith is the beyonder He sets the rules

I'm like the watcher from the fucking Marvel comics But for Tom's head I don't know how to answer this one yeah that is a fucking can I say really quick that I love that during this entire recording Connor is sitting

like he's a like a kid from the 80s that got into his dad's office for the first time yep home alone I'm gonna play with my super soakers inside it makes me so happy sometimes Connor will do a thing where he is just facing alone. I'm going to play with my super soakers inside.

Makes me so happy. Sometimes Connor will do a thing where he is just facing his computer with his feet up on the desk, just disrespectful with every joint in his body. But it'll also be crushing. It'll be really funny, but we're like, fuck you, but it's working. I'll just be looking at animal gifs on Reddit while I'm calling Tom fat and just not really

paying attention. Yeah, one time I looked at looked at you were just googling discount tracksuits it's when the tracksuit comes i bought it off an app and it takes nine weeks to ship i'm gonna show you guys it's coming i got the other stuff i bought from the app and it looks horrible that's where you got the camel tracksuit right uh no i got I got that from H&M. Okay. Yeah, that's a good one. Is it though? It is, yeah. It's comfortable. I look like a stepdad, which is what I was going for with the whole thing.

I got dressy track pants on right now. Dressy. Dressy. Well, they got a zipper. Oh, yeah. I'm wearing my formal clothes. This has a zipper. Yeah. Instead of a series of shoelaces and safety pins, as

he's usually fashioned. Well, I was going to wear my casual barrel overalls. But they shrunk in the wash. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but yeah. Keith, in two sentences, what do you think the line between good and evil is? I would say the line between good and evil is

when people do for themselves more than they do for others. Okay. Okay. That's actually a good answer. Yeah, it's not bad. I was paraphrasing Christ. You might have heard of him. Aw, damn it.

Are we Christian now? I know that guy. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's funny. I told a bunch of people. And now the people from Andre's work are like, well, I guess he's alright. I told a bunch of people that I'm a Christian comedian now.

Because I was in an effort to get booked at these Christian shows and then just do my whole pussy gore act in front of them. You know? Pussy gore! Pussy gore put those stickers on albums. Just wash over their fucking stupid faces.

Oh man, I wanted to do that so bad. But I was telling comics about it, and they all came over to me like, oh, so you're a Christian now? Yeah, you believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God? And I was like, dude, I said I'm a Christian, not a retard. You know, like, you can have good things in a book. You don't have to take all of them. You can cherry pick your favorite parts. What's funny is I actually do agree.

Like, if you talk to the guy that, you know, just gets his entire worldview from the Joe Rogan subreddit, you're like, he's the worst guy ever. But if you meet the guy who just got a kettlebell and he also read some fucking, you know, the confidence gap and it's making it more, you know, it's like, you... You have to... Don't just pick something that one person says and decide to get all your info from them because that's what

your grandma does with fucking crazy conspiracy news. You have to sort of synthesize your own world. You're making a balanced breakfast of intake. Which is exhausting.

Yeah. You were going to say something and then you got cut off. Oh, I was just going to say that pussy gore sounds like a running for office ticket.

Like 2017, pussy gore. Maybe that'll be the merch this month. I'll send people campaign signs for pussy gore sounds like a running for office ticket. Like, 2017, pussy gore. Maybe that'll be the merch this month. I'll send people campaign signs for pussy gore. Campaign, yeah. That's going to make us look like we're some sort of weird alt-right situation. Oh, probably, yeah. God, I hate those guys. Yeah.

Oh, they suck, dude. Fucking assholes. Yeah, they can kick rocks. Yeah. That's the people. That's a great example of people who are out for themselves over others Those cats

Alright, so let's listen to some voicemails here Gangle, someone's backing up It's gotta be construction But anyway, I was wondering if y'all had seen the Detective Pikachu trailer, and do you like the new design of the Pokemon, and which one is the most suckable

in the trailer? There's a lot of them. There was Pikachu. There was Mr. Mime. There was Jigglypuff. There was Bulbasaur. I'm just naming Pokemon, but which one would you like to suck and do you like? I guess furry now.

Okay. That truck is still backing up. Alrighty, bye-bye. This is the sound of him backing up and driving his car into a lake. I've got thousands of dollars of company property under my direct control. I just wanted to know what fictional cartoon is the bangable-est? I'll take my answer off the air.

Nothing would be funnier than that dude got in a huge accident while he was leaving this message. We heard a man die in his last words. Would you rather fuck the Jigglypuff or the Pikachu with the fun hat? Either Rob Zorff or the other guy, Jacob Tremor, told me that they crashed their car while they were listening.

They got pulled over by the police while they were listening to Mean Boys or something. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. He told me that, yeah. So what was it? Which Pokemon? Which Pokemon? The detective.

I didn't watch the detective Pikachu trailer, but I got to figure it's Ryan Reynolds. He's a hunk. Yeah, I mean, he's a Pikachu, though. Well, yeah, but that makes him just an adorable guy. Yeah, he's kind of got it going. You're telling me if you did a Hello Kitty-fied version of The Rock, he wouldn't still be hot? Yeah, no, I'm with that.

He's just like, ooh, I could put him in my purse, and he could eat my pussy with his big, strong arms. Who are the chicks in the movie? If The Rock were a Pokemon, he'd be Geodude. He eats your pussy like he's doing a sock puppet. Are there any girls in the movie? Yeah, Mr. Mime is a chick, actually. Mr. Mime, big old gaper.

Is there a Mrs. Mime? Is there a Mrs. Mime? Yeah, I don't know. I didn't think about it that much. We did one pretty good fucking Pokemon riff a while ago. Yeah, well, I mean, here's the thing. We definitely answered that more seriously than the good and evil question. We're like, well, this guy, we should be serious.

In one sentence, Keith, which is the most fuckable Pokemon? Charmeleon? Well, knowing your taste in women, I'd figure Lapras. Damn, Charmeleon is a weird... That is a contrarian poll. My girlfriend's a tattoo model.

She goes by Horlax. You can follow her. She's on the gram. Next one. Let's see what this guy has to say. Boys, so I'm on hormones now, which is great, except now my dick works less and less. So I figured with Connor's experience with having an extremely broken dick and Keith's experience fucking a lot of trans people,

you might have some advice in this area. All right, thanks. Fuck some advice in this area. Alright, thanks. Fuck everything, God is dead. Oh, that's the cutest little thing! Fuck everything, God is dead. Hey, both Keiths have fucked trans people. Hell yeah, dude. High five on that,

dude. Weird high five. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just a weird thing to flaunt. You never want to bond with Keith about anything. I think it's a bad thing. It's just a weird thing to flaunt. You never want to bond with Keith about anything. I like the same barbecue place. I think I'm homophobic now. That's what it is. But you're bisexual and I'm straight. So it's pretty cool.

Not anymore, you aren't champ. No, no. That's the whole thing. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I still get to be straight because what makes me want to fuck something is that it looks like a woman. You know what I mean?

Well, I can tell you think she's a woman because you just referred to her as something. Yep. So? Oh, well, I'm going to get in trouble if you're going to go by those rules and stuff. I can't even follow this conversation well enough to tell you the problems there are with it. Oh, good. It's not just me.

Yeah. I'm just like, everybody's wrong here somehow. It's a trans lady who said she's been on hormones. Her dick doesn't work right. Yeah. And she said Connor has a dick that doesn't work because of meds. And I fucked a bunch of trans people, so maybe we can help. Maybe we can help.

Okay. I don't know what you think I'm going to do for you. Like, I don't know. You want to talk about. Look, every lady's dick I've talked worked out right. I'll legit break out. They just live somewhere. Is this somebody that lives locally?

I'm not giving you an address, Keith. I don't mean an address. I'm not giving you an address. I'm saying, like, maybe she wants to fuck you. Or option B. Or, like, how do you... Well, maybe he could talk about how he deals with his impotence. That's what he's trying to do.

You're trying to, like... Give us a geolocation for this woman. Wait. You guys, you've had sex with trans people before. I have, yeah. Do they come, I mean, they come a little bit differently, right? It kind of depends. Well, you have to ignore the sound of all the angels screaming.

Well, I've hooked up with some trans people who are way further along on hormones and stuff. And I've done the female to male. It's all kind of different and it's all sort of person by person. Yeah. A lot of them, no, I'm just like, at the end of the day, it's the same as sucking the dude's dick. You know what I mean? It's just it works how it works. Right. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't speak with any medical accuracy

about the problem. Well, look, for me, Dick, like, when I was on 100 milligrams of Zoloft, I, like, you know, I was just not that interested in sex. When I would, like, I would want, like, 72 hours notice if I had to fuck somebody, you know, just to and here's what you do. All right?

You can take zinc. Opie got me on that. Okay. That's pretty good. I feel like you're implicating our other friend's bad dick. Those big fat-ass tablets of zinc. Yeah, I don't give a shit about Opie. That shit will put some fucking lead in your pencil on Coke, too.

Sure. Cool. So if you're on coke or becoming a woman here's how you refill your cum tank whether you're trans or you just stole a trans am we have the advice for you uh l-arganine is another supplement you could take that's the most fuckable pokemon yeah that's a half court shot my favorite element too uh it improves your blood flow okay and uh uh for me it was a lot i'd be i'd be like because once you realize like you can't come or you're like you're like just you know your

dick sensitivity has been drained by something whatever it is right uh it's just sort of like you were like oh i'm gonna fuck this up i'm gonna fuck this up you know it's just sort of a bad uh negative uh headspace yeah sexually so meditating was good that made me fuck a lot better and uh you know, there's nothing that is not helped a little bit by a good night's sleep and a kale shake. Because if you have a kale shake, what do you feel, Keith? Smart and horny. That's what he said the first time

I made him one. He's like, dude, I just feel smart and horny and ready to go. When I was in my fuckboy werewolf phase, I would just slam a kale shake before I went on any date. They had a pretty high success ratio on that. It just kind of gives you some good vitamins and nutrients. Well, it was like when you turn into Professor Hulk where you're like, I have strength, but also wisdom.

I will say This is the most sincere answer I've ever given to any question of listeners. And on the less medical tip, but I've had like, you know, dick trouble sometimes. CBD or weed a little bit is good for me, too. I've had dick trouble and like, I don't the medical stuff has never been a thing for me. It's just sort of like

accepting that it's not forever, because you'll get in your head and you're like, alright, well, it didn't work last time, so it's not going to work this time. Yeah, yeah. You know, baby step back in, do stuff that you enjoy, like you're with somebody. Just jerk off together. Try that. That's an easy one to sort of ease your way back in. Or go on fucking Roman.com and get yourself some Viagra like I did

before our big roast battle. Yeah, yeah. If you want to make your dick super smaller and really sell this whole lady thing. If you want your dick to shrink off your body, just get $100,000 worth of cameras pointed at it. Three celebrities and all of your closest friends. That's all you have to do to become a woman. Have the guy who directed the Oscars light your wiener. For fucking real. Oh, dude, one more thing I should say. I'm off Zoloft now, I've tapered

off of it, so I'm on nothing, and I'm just inconveniently horny now. I'm just like, oh, shit, I gotta go do stuff. Give me a minute. Do you have anything to add to this? I was gonna say, so the closer, the more female hormones, because this is male to female, right? Yeah, I believe so. So the more female hormones you take, the more that you come more like a woman and less like a man.

So your dick might not really get hard that much. I've talked to other trans friends that still have like their man parts. But they basically say that if you kind of like rub the sensitive areas, kind of like the tip of your penis is like the clitoris of a woman so you can come just from stimulating the tip of it yeah um and your orgasm you do have to light a candle yeah you do and you have to pray to an own what is it the the lady goddess yeah oh geez yeah but yeah uh but you can like kind of stimulate just the the part, but that you'll have a more complex orgasm and it'll last a lot longer. So it's about the nuts. You don't milk in the prostate.

Like if I can't come from cocaine or ecstasy or anything like that, I just, if I'm close enough with the person I'm having sex with, just have them root around in there and hit the button and like a drunk drawer. They're trying to reset a Furby? Yeah. It works. That works, too.

Get up in there with a paper clip and make it talk right. I think their problem was more about not being able to get up or it was not being able to come. Just not being able to get hard, I think, was the issue. Yeah. I mean, the truth is, you know, Andrea is the only one with any kind of scientific backing here now being a trans lady. But honestly, having a female orgasm sounds cool you know that sounds awesome yeah just like tickling my wiener until i just collapse into a satisfied pile on my mattress i do the edging thing sometimes because that supposedly is closer to like girl it's where you get as close to coming as you can and then you

stop uh-huh and then you get really close again then you stop and you're like basically oh you charge it up yeah it's like when you build up your like super meter in Marvel vs. Capcom and then you fucking call down like Groot or whatever. It's like when you play that pen finger knife game before coming

where you try not to stab your hands. Yeah, it's nut chicken. Okay, well there's your answer. I think that's going to do it for the show this week. We also had a listener on Twitter ask you

if you were going to put your podcast on SoundCloud because he likes the show but he hates iTunes. So I don't know if you want to cater to that one guy. Wait, me? Yeah, you. Yeah, people actually listen to your podcast on SoundCloud because he likes the show, but he hates iTunes. So I don't know if you want to cater to that one guy. Wait, me? Yeah, you.

Yeah, people actually listen to your podcast. Oh, man. I got to start doing that again. You really should. It's a great show. I really like it, but it's like... One of like four podcasts I've ever enjoyed being on. It was really fun.

And I'm not including this one. I had some issues with like the people that I was working with and also just like scheduling, just finding the time to do it. I feel you. It is on SoundCloud, though. Oh, is it? Yeah. Well, tell him to find it.

Get his shit together. Get to getting. Get to getting. Get on, get to getting. Go on, go on. You guys got anything else you want to plug? I know we got the Oxycontin Pickers EP. Andrea, you got something?

The upcoming Tropical Jazz Fusion band playing in Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Oh, goodness. I forgot. We're doing that. I'm also a longtime guest on a podcast called Cult Podcast. That's about cults. Yeah, which I just did an episode of. He's just did an episode.

About Charles Manson. It's really fun. Oh, fuck yeah. That's Paige Wesley's thing, right? Yeah, it's Paige Wesley, Armando Torres, and then I'm filling in for several months for some of the- You're subletting on a podcast? Yeah.

That's the most LA thing I've ever heard. But it's super fun and we pretty much just riff and make fun of cult leaders, but also you learn history about cults. That's the thing with podcasts is people are like, alright, I can't allow myself the joy of just having fun. I need to kind of learn about

what happened with baseball in the 20s too. We've made so much fun of Charles Manson. It's a really great time. Yeah, go check out the second-to-last podcast on the left. The second-to-last podcast on the left. Oh, man. Keith, what do you got? Well, you could follow me on Instagram at QueefRay.

You sure can. I take pictures of saints that people have statues of in their yards. I take upskirt photos of the Virgin Mary when she appears on a piece of toast. And then I write, like, people have, like, St. Andrew or St. Michael or St. I'm just making up names that sound like they used to be saints at some point. Right. They have the statues of them. I'll take a picture of it in their yard, and then I'll make up some story about

Friar Tuck and Robin Hood that has to go with the different things they're doing in the statue. Okay. So that's what I do. Now make sure you catch Keith's funeral next month. Line down the block. And also Keith's Instagram in a week when he gives up on this statue backstory bit. Oh, man.

Awesome, dude. Well, that's it for the show. That's it for day two of Snark Week. We'll be back tomorrow with Jessica Michelle Singleton. Oh, man. Awesome, dude. Well, that's it for the show. That's it for day two of Snark Week. We'll be back tomorrow with Jessica Michelle Singleton. Oh, yay. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead.

God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead.

God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead.

God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm