Mean Boys - EP 169 - Pole Skoal (feat. Jessica Michelle Singleton)

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

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No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. All right, everybody. Day three of Snark Week. Day three, baby. So far, so good.

So far, so good. Yeah, we cut the shows. It's the very end of the day. We're all holding up relatively well. I'm sober. You're welcome. Yeah, we cut the shows. It's the very end of the day. We're all holding up relatively well. I'm sober. You're welcome. Yeah, Tom. Clean as a whistle today.

Yeah. Yeah. You got us one day not ruining a podcast chip. We flipped a little workplace safety calendar. Yeah. Zero days since Tom. Our guest today, one of our old favorites, Jessica Michelle Singleton, joins us in the studio. Listen to her podcast, Ignorance is Blessed.

There will be a link for that in the show notes. Very funny. Yeah, this is a good episode if you want a nice steaming spoonful of hot, hot bitterness. Yeah, if you want to just hear someone imply with the tone of their voice that I have a bad penis, then you are going to enjoy the next hour and a half. Jessica was awesome. You guys are awesome. Stark Week has been fucking – the response has been wonderful.

Thank you guys so much. I'm glad you're digging it. The Patreon subscriptions have shot up. Thank you very much. Yeah, anybody who's new to the Patreon, fucking welcome, man. Yeah. We're excited to have you.

Yeah, so we got a bonus episode driving today with Nathan Hurd. We're going to play a little clip from that in the show. I don't even know how I'm going to pick one. It was so much fun. Yeah, it was real. It was all Canadian hookers and albino stories.

So tell me how you fucking pick a best clip out of that yeah there's no bad clip uh and uh if you have if you're you know newer to the show or if you're uh older than the show uh just a quick reminder patreon's only five bucks a month for weekly bonus content during snark week daily bonus content 10 bucks a month gives you a monthly goodie we just got the buttons today we're gonna pack them up and ship them out not tomorrow because it's a fucking postal holiday because george hw bitch ass bush is dead or whatever yeah yeah they closed the post office i'm like what the fuck i did enough all right are you kidding me what what are we gonna do go feel bad about george bush yeah what are we bombed tomorrow in my this affected me a lot more than

iran contra so i think it's worse yeah this is fucking worse than desert storm yeah so those are going out soon, and we're ready to announce the $10 reward for this month. We are doing a fridge calendar. I'm designing that right now. You can go check it out on Patreon probably by the time that this is up. So you can, it's the

start of the year, it's January, the first month, so if you want to be able to see what day is Thursday all year, give us $10. And we don't Thursday all year. Give us $10. And we don't have a phone. Give us $10 and we'll send you a funny magnet through the mail. You in one fell swoop just undid the entire concept of calendars. Yeah.

And then this is, I have to explain to people this is my job, is that I call you guys gay and then I send people calendars in the mail. Outdated slurs and outdated methods of knowing when it is yeah exactly for when you don't have a phone but it's fun uh and you can put it on your fridge and we're making them and i think you'll like them and uh other than that uh you can listen to every episode of the show on youtube give us a subscription over there uh drop us an itunes review if you want if you do or are inclined to do that just for fun i know we asked for itunes reviews a lot it would help now because we're doing snark week and maybe we could get on the charts and i could be like oh it's like

about a girl it peaked at 103 but it turned out they were huge later you know help us dilute ourselves into the narrative that this podcast is going to be successful someday yeah that uh that really does help us jump on the reddit and the discord i love seeing you guys uh hang out with each other the fans the discord is very active there is a pretty fun thread going on in the discord right now where they are simultaneously chastising us for saying the word retarded so much and posting pictures of their bare ass so if you want uh homemade seen that one homemade pornography and woke discussions about nomenclature for the mentally disabled yeah and for me that word is where i'm dying on i'm sorry guys i. I'm still going to, but good for your butts.

You, if anyone, are allowed to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I appreciate your butts. I haven't looked at them, but I'm glad they're out there. I'm glad you guys are enjoying those. I will never see them. Yeah. Yeah, and other than that, just follow us on the socials.

Funniest tweet of the week. Get some meanie. A Mean Boys beanie coming in soon. There's some good contenders coming in so far. I very much enjoy the Goodfellas poster somebody made with us. Oh, there's just a spider floating down. Oh, jeez! Oh, fuck me!

Alright, well, I'm gonna kill this spider and that's when the episode will start. So you hear my foot stomp and then we go. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. The road to hell is paved with thoughts and prayers. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Jessica Michelle Singleton. And I'm...

What every middle school girl thinks they want for a boyfriend. Jessica only listened to her body, because you are the size of a middle school girl. I mean, that's true. God. Just an AARP card and a Hello Kitty backpack. I know. That's the Jessica Michelle starter kit. That's way better than what I was going to call Jessica Reba Mac and Cheese, but... I thought you would be too...

I've already copyrighted that as my drag name, and I'll thank you to stay away from it. Oh, that's my album, so... Scary Underwood is fine. Who is Reba? What? Don't really know. Get out of this office.

I own half the property in here. It's technically mine. It was gifted to me under duress. It's like every woman you've dated is like a boss in a video game, and you level up when you destroy them, and then you get their heater. You got to break up with somebody with a TV. Yeah, do it for the team. That's like when Thanos gets the Power Stone. That was the heater with Jessica.

I was like, okay, this is what I need to begin my reign of authority. Ah, yes, the commitment issues gauntlet is complete. Wait, you gave him the heater? Yeah, it was a gift. Oh. It was a great gift. I use it all the time. That's great. I'm freezing in my home, but it was the last of my money.

I have nothing left. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. I'm very rich. Just like an empty, dusty space where the heater used to be. Dust is collected on everything except for the spot. Yeah, exactly. Jessica's a billionaire from selling healing crystal ads on her podcast.

Yeah, that's right. They work. Take it from me. My body's falling apart. I've actually replaced my hips with crystals. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. That's my body, if you guys can hear that.

You're like the six million dollar man but with basic bitch things. Yeah. All of his fingers are scarves. It's really weird. We took an x-ray of Jessica

and she's made of mostly pipe cleaners. From a craft store? Yeah, you were just a fourth grade arts and crafts project. I have to bend myself? Yeah.

Well, I'm looking at these x-rays and I think some of your problems stem from the fact that your entire system of circulation is not, in fact, veins, but just a very complicated piece of yarn art. You don't even have a pancreas. It's just a bunch of googly eyes.

When you die, you're not going to be buried or cremated. Your mom's just going to hang you on the refrigerator. No, she's still not proud of me. Yeah. Well, yeah. Someone's mom. What if your lungs collapsed. It was then we noticed it's a Hello Kitty fanny pack.

I don't know what we're going to do about that. Thanks for coming back in here. Thanks for inviting me. You sound absolutely thrilled. A bit enthusiastic. I regret nothing. It's good energy in this room. It's day three of Snark Week.

There's bitterness over here. Tom is finally not high. Yeah, man. I'm sorry about that. My God, that was high. Did you just smoke? What happened? I took one hit of weed and then became...

Tom smoked that marijuana yesterday and then went insane. Yeah, I took one hit, coughed a bunch, and then just became a Harold and Kumar B-plot. It was a fucking lot for me. Yeah, Tom's face turned into a blacklight poster. Yeah. God. Fucking ether realm. Originally, I was going to just for me. Yeah, Tom's face turned into a blacklight poster. Yeah. God. Fucking ether realm. Originally, I was going to just get high with any other guest who was going to get high,

and my God, I'm not doing that ever again. He'll be high next week, everybody. Give him some anti-inflammatories. Let's get this party started. Oh, yeah, let's blow you up. I should have brought my Norcos. We could have partied. Oh, man, you got the good shit. Yeah.

Hit me up, guys. I feel like someone's rolling pinning me into the universe. Can you help? That's like when you go to your friend's mom's house and they have the name brand snacks. And you're like, oh, they got Dunkaroos for whatever? Yeah. They just got walking around the house in the middle of the day, just fucking open season Dunkaroos. Norcos, the Dunkaroo of the narcotic world.

They really are grown up Dunkaroos. Yeah. Yeah. They make you feel so happy. Plus, you can dip them in frosting. There's no law that says you can't. I've heard of Dunkaroos. You would. You would. I don't know how you swallow pills, but Keith likes to you can dip them in frosting. There's no law that says you can't. I've heard of those. You would. You would.

I don't actually know what they are. I don't know how you swallow pills, but Keith likes to ensconce them in a little bit of Ready Whip. I just like a little candy coating. Well, yeah. I like Advil so much. Do you ever want to eat a bunch of aspirin for the sugar coating? Yeah, it's great.

It doesn't taste bad. Yeah, I saw Jessica with a scalpel hollowing out jelly beans so she could take her antidepressants. It was very involved. I just pour the Adderall crystals into that. Oh yeah, you crush it up and you make like a weird little stuffed, loaded baked potato with drugs. I'm happy and efficient.

I call this a sadness re-eino. The best drug thing for me was when we did mushrooms and then you farted and it was so low it sounded like the bassoon from the Jungle Book.

God, I need to do mushrooms. It's been a long time. There's a barge approaching somewhere from the heavens, I think. That was the demons getting out of me

and now I'm cured from all of my ailments. Yeah, you seem great. I'm not. I know. But if anybody wants to buy some Norcos. Everyone knows

the only way to get the demons out of you for real is to say the N-word in a church. That's with you and a group of other guys. Well, that didn't work either. Oh, I forgot about those business trips your mom used to take you on when you were younger. Alright, put the pillowcase on your head. We're angry ghosts. I haven't seen you in a little while. You've been

doing so many crazy things as usual. Yeah, I'm a crazy person. Just killing yourself with travel and work. Any highlights? You went abroad to Edinburgh to do your one-woman show? I did. It was great. Very well received.

People are big fans of the dick montage that you put together for me. Oh, I did? I meant to send my dick in first. You never sent a dick for her. I was like, you were just prying. You were like, what's this for? No, I genuinely wanted... And then no dick.

Nobody wanted to send my dick in what I got to assume was a slightly passive-aggressive dick at Connor more than me. That would have made me really happy. No, it was just about my sexual history. It had nothing to do with... Well, almost nothing to do with him. Yeah, I'm not a part of that. It was about people I'd actually had sex with.

Well, as a man, I cannot contemplate you, a woman, existing without the context of another man. So that's... Checkmate. Me neither. So that's checkmate. Me neither. That's codependence. Here's what I like about this dick pic submission thing is Keith has been a comedian for seven years now. He's never once submitted to something on L.A. casting, but he did jump at the dick pic opportunity.

Well, yeah, I'm definitely not going to get on a reality show. I might have been in the dick montage. You could have been in there. Well, I would have edited it and cut you out to be disrespectful. I just slapped myself in the nuts. Well, I would have edited it and cut you out to be the spectral disrespectful. I just slapped myself in the nuts. Well, that's what you get. For what? Trying to help your art? You didn't help. Trying to

help your art? You mean that was what you did when you forgot to send her a picture of your dick? I said trying, not succeeding. We nearly had to cancel the whole show because of you. We're one dick short. No one in Scotland has a penis. How many penises did you collage?

I don't know, seven or eight probably. Do you remember? I don't really remember. Let's go find that folder labeled dick pics for Jessica that I have somewhere in my external hard drive. For Jessica? Sure. Then Connor puts on his wig.

I'm Jessica. Yum, yum, yum. All the dicks. That does sound just like me. Connor, what are 1,038 files in this folder? Well, I mean, I just... I wanted to do a good job. I was really concerned with how our show was going to turn out.

You could have done, like, 10 different dicks for each show. Yeah, just every night's a different montage. Can I talk vaguely about the live photo that you sent me a million years of the engagement ring? Oh, yeah. Did he show you guys that? No, I'm very curious as to what this is. So I was at my cousin's wedding,

and I was like, hey, speaking of weddings, this is a funny thing that happened, and I pulled that out, and I didn't send it to anyone. I've not shared it with anyone. No one has the file, but I did walk around and show my entire family. There's a video where it's a woman, and it's a nice picture of her new wedding ring

that she's sending to her family. Like she just got engaged. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh wow, look at this. Isn't this great? But if you hold down the live picture, the animation is the guy swinging his hard, naked dick into frame. He like comes from the back of the frame. She sent it to her whole family. Because she didn't

know it was a live photo. His dick Kool-Aid man's into the picture. It's fucking remarkable. I'll show you guys when we stop. It hits the ring so hard it's just spinning around her finger. Yeah, and then it's funny to get to because I was just thinking, oh, that'll be a funny picture and I'm looking for it in the information tab of our

text messages and I just have to scroll through all these nudes and I'm like, oh yeah, I remember that. I'm so sorry. That's probably way worse than the dick pic. It is weird when all these nudes and I'm like, oh yeah, I remember that. I'm so sorry. That's probably way worse than the dick pic. It is weird when you find nudes from someone you used to date when you're accidentally looking for someone. And then you're like, I can't believe I lied and pretended to think they're attractive. Hey, look, I just took a quick hit off my bleach inhaler and I was ready to go.

It wasn't a huge issue. Whatever works. No, it's always weird. I'm like, do I have to delete these now? Or like, is this... Yeah, you're like, do I keep these? Yeah, is it like a, yeah, I mean, I don't want to do anything with them. I get like sentimental about them. Yeah, a little bit.

I remember that. It's a dick in a cartoon, like, sombrero. Yeah, I remember we got in a fight in the parking lot. We went to the mall and you bought that bra. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I miss it, the bra. Yeah.

I was like, oh, yeah, that's the time I tried Escargot. Didn't like it, but I tried it. Tom, have you ever been a nude sender at all? No. I can't imagine you doing that. No, super no. I've sent... Never?

Every time Tom takes a picture of himself naked, he just ends up blurry like Bigfoot. No way to photo, because there's just foliage that appears afterwards. Tom's dick is naturally scrambled. Yeah, well, I mean, we've been taking photos of... There's photos of me like every day from surrogate week and even day to day. I'm like, I look different in every photo.

It's very weird to me. But no, I've sent one dick pic to a girlfriend at the time who asked for one. I took it in the bathroom of a 7-Eleven, I think New Mexico. Wow, this 7-Eleven had a bathroom? That must have been nice.

Yeah, it was weird. That's probably the nicest backdrop you had access to. Yeah, yeah. I was on the road. There's something funny about the idea of you just driving to New Mexico to take that dick pic. I need a good scenery, yeah. And even then I'm like, I don't know how to angle this. I don't understand.

Weirdly, Tom went for the back angle. The behind with the balls hanging? Yeah, yeah. That, like, classic porn angle? Yeah, the Grouchy Goat. That's for women. Just do this one. I think that's for women or men who like men.

That shot? The balls going in? Yeah, yeah. The shot where it looks like me, Wad, wearing a beanie. I like women and men. I hate that angle. I'm just like, this is weird. I love it.

I'm like, look at those balls. I'm disgusting. I don't even hate balls. I forgot that about you, that you're somewhat of a ball aficionado. Yeah, it's weird. For me, they just seem like they're in the way, you know? Of what? Someone getting into your asshole?

A ball aficionado. Yeah. I'm a fan of balls. Like, it's a Starbucks drink. I can kind of take them or leave them. The dick would definitely look weird without them, you know? Yeah, it would be very. But that's like being, like the bottom of your shoes being really important to you.

I mean, I don't know. It's important. One time I went down on a guy who only had one ball and didn't mention it and I was like, you can't do that, man. No, you gotta let someone know.

You can't just let me come down here with one ball just hanging. Like, what am I supposed to do? Was it a cancer thing or did he fuck up trying to jump a fence? Like, that's like when

someone says, come over for this party and then it's a double-edged sailfish. No, I was almost blacked out in the back of a double-edged sailfish. Are you giving me an explanation? No, I was almost blacked out in the back of a pickup truck, though. So what are you going to do, you know? Well, maybe he did explain it to you.

I was like, who's really making a bad decision here? You not telling me about your balls or me my entire life? That's got to be an ergonomic load to swallow, though. He's only got one ball worth of semen. Well, the cum's not in the balls. I guess the seminal fluid does come from the semen.

It's not? No. Those aren't just sacks of cum? No, cum's not in the balls. I guess the seminal fluid does come from the stomach. It's not? No. Those aren't just sacks of cum? No, that's just like the sperm. I'm going to be fun with you guys. I thought that too. You have balls. I know, but I don't have 3D vision. I don't remember all the ways

that woman stuff works. I'm just like, yeah, there's an egg in there and it drops out of somewhere. And I will say, I don't know exactly why it's wrong, but I know your balls are not full of cum. Are you sure? Like, if I poked them with a pin, they wouldn't start spraying out like a leak in a boat? No, what you're thinking of is a water balloon. I think something about your prostate makes the goo.

That sounds way more scientific. This is the worst schoolhouse rock ever Here's how I know this They massage your prostate and then you come No I think it's like generated Because Dr. Drew got butthole cancer And they removed his prostate Yeah that's karma

For what? For being such a butthole He talked about now when he comes He comes dry There's no load I feel like they just started doing that in Japan So the load is in the butt? He talked about now when he comes, he comes dry. There's no load. I feel like they just started doing that in Japan. So the load is in the butt?

Yeah, I think the thing that makes the fluid is back there. So you're saying that there's cum in your butt? I mean, generally, but... Well, that's fair. Yeah. That's a slam dunk. Old cum butt. Old cum butt carry. Oh, so you saw the bowling shirt I got him for his birthday.

Can you guys please start a bowling league for real? Oh, that'd be fun. Or join one? I want to in. Yeah? You want to bowl? Hell yeah. Is that hard on your fingers?

Yeah, life is hard on my fingers. You're picking it up with both hands and then the weight of it just shattering your shit? Probably. I guess you just bowl like an accordion. I guess you just spend the rest of your time rooting around in one-balled assholes. I guess an eight-pound pink ball might not be the end of the world.

Man, I suck at bowling so bad. You look like a guy who loves bowling. I know. And I love it in... I love a bowling alley like a real grungy... Of course you do.

Before I pick up all my lovers. I love bowling alleys. They remind me of Thanksgiving. What? No, they fucking rip, but I cannot bowl to save my life. Let's do it. I'm so bad at it, but I think we should all go holiday bowling. I've thrown the ball in the wrong tube.

Lane. It's a lane. I couldn't remember. Well, there's your problem. Alley? Well, Tom tried to put a bowling ball in one of those old bank teller things where the tube goes up and into the office. Tom is wearing short, short shoulder pads holding a tennis racket. I'm right in a ball.

Oh, yeah. So you went to Edinburgh. You went to a bunch of other places. Yeah, it was fun. I went all around Europe. I went to, I think, like nine different countries. It was dope. Yeah, it was cool.

I got to do a lot of stand-up, meet a lot of weird European people. Nice. Any favorite place you got to go to? Prague is great. Oh, yeah? It's less expensive because they're not on the Euro. They're on the Czech crown, so it's always nice when your money goes a little further. Oh, hell yeah.

They just have a ton of history because they're in Eastern Europe and half of it got bombed during the war, so they have all these different buildings from different time periods. It's like Gothic and then buildings that were rebuilt they don't match the one next to them like teeth just every one just their own

unique character you have a blue one I didn't know they could go blue yeah my incisor has a balcony very nice there's some buildings

that are just like half gone and they never fix them yeah that's cool that's also like one of Keith's teeth yeah it's this tooth

your mouth is essentially a proc mouth. Did you know about when Keith brushed a tooth out of his head? I remember a tooth falling out. I didn't know he brushed it. I thought it just jumped. No, he was trying to fix it. It was. Away from the brush.

It was like the guy falling out of the World Trade Center. Yeah, it's just Black Tuesday. He gets the phone call. He's like, what? Everything? Okay. Yeah, no, I was brushing my teeth and then I just hear like and I reach into my mouth

and half one of my teeth fell out oh yeah I remember that and this well the scariest part was that it didn't hurt because if it hurt that's like a dream I have all the time yeah or like my teeth just fall out it was a nightmare I was just like what happens now like am I just like this you sell it did you sell it no I

threw it away and why don't you keep in a bag for some pervy mean boys? Yeah, why don't we put that as a Patreon? Yeah, that's the problem with this story. Someone will buy half your teeth. Hey, how about you fuck sell your teeth? Yeah, well, they don't fall out of my head because I floss once in a while. Sorry I didn't have time to brush my teeth. I was busy carrying the show.

Yes, it takes you 24 hours a day to have eight good quips a week. That's definitely all your time monopolized. I'm going to add a lot more sound effects into the next sketch, asshole. We'll do it. Joke's on you. Guess what, everybody? Omega Tom's back. I'm going on strike, dude.

And Tom, if you cross the picket line, I will protest you. You guys are already falling apart. I'm neutral. I will protest you by listening to your- He's Switzerland. Where's Prague? Because he's full of chocolate? Czech Republic.

Oh, yeah. They are always becoming different countries. Yeah, they were. Well, they split. They used to be- Czechoslovakia. And then there was Czech Republic. And then they became-

They went there too. Yeah, and Jerry Seinfeld. And then Bruce. And Jerry Seinfeld's family is from Czech, please. Yeah, I only know the Czech Republic because of hockey. I would not know they were a country if it weren't for hockey. Is that your hockey stick in the kitchen living room area? Yeah, that's where I sleep.

That's Sherwood? Oh, that's your room. Oh, that's right. You played hockey, too. Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're the toughest men in this room. Yeah.

What position did you play? You're not wrong. What? Oh, I was right wing. You were right wing? Oh, God. Yeah, I was like fifth string. Tom played left Oh, I was right wing. You were right wing? Oh, God. Yeah. I was like fifth string. Tom played left shark.

I was a center. Yeah, that's a good point. You guys were, you know, sports. Seattle's getting a new hockey team. I know. Yeah, do you have any thoughts on what they should name themselves? Oh, God. It's been up for debate.

They say they're open to any ideas. So maybe we could put ourselves on the map here if we can come up with something. Seattle Mean Boys. Yeah. That's not a bad name for a hockey team. If you want to pick the most terrifying thing from Seattle, Keith has about four family members that should be a hockey contention. Yeah, the Seattle that lizard my dad owns.

Oh, that lizard sucks, dude. Dude, he's a fucking asshole. You're just trying to send a text and there's a fucking horrible beast just glaring at you. With three pounds heavier. And behind Keith is the lizard. Yeah, this is really a statement for all the Mean Boys fans east of Chicago, but I'm wondering if the

Arizona Coyotes, or the Phoenix Coyotes are going to fold because they're bringing the Seattle team. Is it the West? You think Arizona is east of Chicago? No, no, no. I'm saying the Mexican border over there. To clarify, you think Arizona is east of Chicago? No, no, no. I'm saying... No, I'm saying...

You know, the Mexican border over there. I mean, ask somebody from the south. I wonder what Seattle's going to be called. You guys are not going to make it through this week. No. What are you talking about? We're doing great. Hey, when we spiral, we spiral hard.

Yeah. Well, I actually have a compromise for you, Jessica. You can't have the heater, but how about the Yu-Gi-Oh clock? What do you think? I thought you were going to give that to me. Yeah, Tom needs more stuff for his trash bag. Tom, what do I get in the breakup? Tom, that's what's going to fix Tom's room is decorations.

You don't need a broken clock. You are a broken clock. Hey, he's right twice a day. Yeah, exactly. And the rest of the time, you're like, that was a bad investment. Why do we still have this here? The rest of the time, it's nice. I don't Yeah, exactly. And the rest of the time you're like, that was a bad investment. Why do we still have this here? The rest of the time it's nice. I don't know, Jess.

Why is this still hanging in the living room? You already got all the talent. He can't. We just leave him there. Wait, what? The idea that you hang yourself in the living room, we just kind of leave you there for a while. Oh, that would be fun. Don't do it.

The house can't handle that. Yeah, I don't think so. So we were trying out the new nail gun, and now my pants are stuck there. And yeah, I got to wash with a rag. Hello, I'm the world's thickest flat Stanley. Yeah, I found out you can get bed sores from plaster. Fat Stanley. Fat Stanley. I don't know who that is.

It's you. That sounds like a beer that keeps you dirty. It's a really dumb elf on a shelf type thing, but around the world. I actually don't know what that is either. I just keep seeing dirty memes. When I was little, my parents used to just put me up high on things so I couldn't get down. That's punishment. The ultimate trick.

That's why you can't share elf on the shelf. Jessica will be triggered. You've been banished to the up there. So when I was little, I was like, I could just jump. Gravity's just nothing but a thing. I just jump whenever they put me on counters and shit. Yeah. So you would just be like, okay, if you're going to try to stop me from doing something,

I'll hurt myself. Pretty much. That's a strategy which you're employing to this day. Yeah. That's pretty much his whole life plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's been pretty much 80% of my life. Oh, you don't want to be show business?

Well, how about this? Diagonal mohawk. Now what's up? Give me a landing strip, but it's for like a helicopter and the rotors are fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. We're all fired up. Yeah, yeah.

Let's get into the Mexican joke off, shall we? Ay, so topical. Let's do it. We shall. Okay, I'll take us away this week. 5.1 million pounds of beef have been recalled due to salmonella contamination. Well, looks like I'm hosting the podcast alone now. Hey.

We're the beef. Oh, we're both the beef? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're the beef. You're 2 million pounds and Keith is 3.1. Wait, Connor, where's the beef? Where's the beef? You're 2 million pounds and Keith is 3.1. Wait, Connor, where's the beef? Ah, see?

I knew a pop culture thing. What's the product? Yeah, what is that a commercial for? Wendy's. Oh, he actually said that. Yeah, that redhead. Tom is now up to date

with 1986. There you go. You're doing better than me. Man, I got bad news about the Challenger, buddy. Wait, why? What? Oh, no reason. The Challenger went to live on a farm upstate. It's going to be me. Man, I got bad news about the Challenger, buddy. Wait, why? What? Oh, no reason.

The Challenger went to live on a farm upstate. It's going to be fun. Oh, Jessica thought you were talking about her vibrator for a second. She got concerned. Takes like an F-150 engine. That also exploded. Yeah. It just overheated.

We used to have all the like handy, okay, every sport in my hometown when I was little, all the sport. Can't wait to see what this has to do with vibrators. There was one team that was all of the mentally like disabled kids and they were always called the challengers i don't know wait did you guys have to play we all had to play them everyone had to play like they got one game against every team how were they well i mean like in softball they got t's so like yeah they don't have to pitch. And they were, frankly, mean.

Aggressive. Well, it's just funny because it was like... They wouldn't even give them baseball t-shirts for softball. They just made them wear regular tees. I feel like that's rude. We were like 10-year-old girls, and it was like 45-year-old men with downs. Oh, wait. It was like grown-up dudes?

Oh, man. I feel like this is a real cakewalk until you get to football and hockey, because then they're like... It was in Mississippi, so I don't know what they would have done for hockey. It was before I played. Yeah. Okay. I don't know.

It's kind of a boring story. It just made me realize why they call it the Challengers. Oh, no. This isn't boring at all. The Challengers. Yeah. Oh, man. Because they're challenged.

Yeah. You get it? Fuck renaming that new NHL team in Seattle. Rename the Challengers. Yeah. Tweet us your suggestions, because I want to know. Well, it was between the Challengers and the Washington Tardskins. And really,

we had to pick. Tardskins is taken. Yeah, yeah. Well, the skin is the best part. Oh, no. Yeah, you got the Tard.

Where are we going? You. Oh, is it me? Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. The video game Fallout 76

is banning all homophobic players. In related news, there are no longer any players left on Fallout 76. How do they even implement that? I don't know. All right, you want to buy Fallout? Here's your dick.

Do something with it. His hand, you will lose dick on a table. Just a strong assumption for gamers. Well, they're getting a little extreme. I just dressed my guy in white, and it's after Labor Gay, and I got a three-day suspension. Labor Gay? Labor Gay. Oh, oops.

Freudian slip. A little Freudian slip. I didn't know there were 75 other fallouts. Yum, yum, yum. I love your hate. Oh, yeah. Where's the beef? 75 other.

I didn't see the first six. The beef is starting right here. I'll tell you. Someone's going to quit. That's where the beef is. The U.S. military is developing robotic exoskeletons. My bet is on Keith's heart. Okay.

The U.S. military is developing robotic exoskeletons to enhance their soldiers. A confused Donald Trump remarked, I thought I banned Transformers in the Army. I like that. That was fun.

I thought that was going to be a Jessica joke. Yeah, no, me too. And I was like, oh, okay. Look, if I had thought about it for eight seconds, I would have been, and it would have been funnier.

It did make me feel good that as soon as I said 5.1 million pounds, Jessica started giggling. Yeah. We're really back to our roots here. That was really what carried our relationship as long as it was together, was just making fun of you guys for being fat. I didn't do it. He did. I don't believe you.

I'm laughing up your brittle bone. I never made fun of Tom. Your brittle bone marsupial. A Florida man was charged on four counts when he was caught fucking a miniature horse. Apparently fucking a miniature horse makes your dick look so much bigger than when you fucking got your size of horse. I'm going to be honest. I also thought that was going to be about me. Florida miniature horse. That would have been pretty good. I was pretty excited be about me. Florida miniature horse?

That would have been pretty good. I was pretty excited about that one. That was great. All right, guys. Consumers will be able to purchase one-cent Whoppers from the Burger King app if they check into a McDonald's. Selling one-cent Whoppers is also how Jessica's mother supported her crippling alcoholism. Oh, man. Hey, boys want a Whopper?

They're a penny. I got to tell you, that structure is pretty funny when it's not aimed at my mom. I don't know why you guys enjoy that so much. What a delight. She deserves it. Yeah. You're not wrong. All right.

I also was told, because they were asking about the dick pic, and they were just asking about you, because Jessica met my family. And they're very mad at me that we're not together, because they liked you a lot. They say that about every girlfriend, probably. They're like, why aren't you with someone? No, they've never said that about anyone. They totally didn't like one of them. Oh, no.

But, yeah, so I was just showing them pictures of your weird albino Jamaican stepfather, and they're just like, what is this man? I'm a lot, man. He's also missing a finger. Yeah, he's a fingerless, racist, white Jamaican guy that lives in Korea. Man. Oh, hell yeah. He said, he's currently blocked on Facebook, which is so dramatic, but he said being gay

is a disease. Yeah. Yeah, so is being an albino. Yeah, I was like, look at you. Well, he's also like, he's got his new clothing imprint, terrycloth, where it's just different Confederate flag iconographies. Do you remember, oh, this is good. Do you remember when the car died when we were going out on that road gig and then the

guy that jumped it had that big ass Confederate flag tattoo? But it was like 4 a.m. or whatever. It was like 4 a.m. in Palm Springs. Oh, shit. Thanks, sir. Yeah, yeah. Jeepers. Like, this is our only help.

And I was like, should I call AAA and be like, hey, your boy has a South Will Rise Again tat? Yeah, but it's one of those things where you see that and at first you're just like, oh, no. And then you're like, wait, we're going to be fine. Yeah, I was like, well, if anyone can fix a broken down vehicle, it's this guy. Yeah. Well, the other thing is it wasn't like a shitty prison one that looked bad. He'd spent a lot of money because it looked like ripped. It's all shaded and stuff.

It looked like a mug from the gas station. Yeah, like at the right angle it looks like it's blowing in the wind. Well, yeah, if it gets fat enough and does this. Yeah, like my upper arms. Bingo arms. Bingo wings. Yeah, right? Goodbye arms.

All right, let's see. That's actually where your cum is stored, is in there. There's so much of it, too. You have to squeeze it out like a piping bag for cake frosting. Or just like those men who are drippers, not shooters, when you pull up a game. Oh, those suck. I'm right fucking here. Oh, the drool deck suit.

Which is like a sad tear. Nothing is less satisfying than just... Yeah, have you ever tried to get a facial from someone like that? Yeah. And you're like, oh. Well, yeah, there's so much gap. I didn't know. I would have put the Hot Wheel tracks closer together.

Who's crying harder, me or your penis? Well, the dick is just right above you, and it's blocking out the sun like Lex Luthor trying to thwart Superman. I've had one facial opportunity. I shot it over her head. That's good. One time a guy was fucking me from behind and pulled out, and it shot from where he was standing into my hair. It was like a Peter North. I have that problem sometimes when I'm like, if I pull out when I'm fucking somebody from behind, it'll just kind of go over the back. was like a Peter North. I have that problem sometimes when I'm like

if I pull out when I'm like fucking somebody from behind it'll just kind of go over the back and hit the hair. Just like a rainbow just like

After he did that he should have been allowed to tattoo his initials on your back. It was like a high score. He did. Ass. Ass.

Just the one next to it. It's Lady Frogger. Jesus. Alright. Let's see. Speaking of com well shit. Nope. I'll wait. I'll do that one later. Damn it. It's Lady Frogger. Jesus. Alright, let's see. Speaking of well, shit. Nope. I'll wait. I'll do that one later. Damn it! It ruined everything!

This morning, the husband of a woman who died earlier this year after undergoing a Brazilian butt lift issued a statement in regards to her death. That ass though! His wife, a 40-year-old Italian man from Brooklyn, said, Hey, yo, look at the butt cheeks. A Florida woman pulled a knife on a man when he complained about the smell of her farts.

She's being charged with assault with a silent but deadly weapon. Clown shoes. I love it. I enjoyed it. You fuck clowns I have fucked several clowns I don't know where I was going with that A couple's engagement has gone viral

When a moan A man proposed by putting an engagement ring On his dick and told her to blow him The woman stated that she was very excited But if anything goes wrong in the marriage She will serve him divorce papers by pegging him with a letter tube. Fuck! I have a question.

What do you think a letter tube is? It says old... Connor referenced it earlier. We're actually doing the short stories in the middle of the show. If you want to just... If you have any more, just move them. A letter tube? Like an envelope?

No. Like a parchment scroll? Yeah. It's a thing. I Googled it to make sure. I literally referenced it like 10 minutes ago. I missed it when he said it. I disagree.

We were talking about making posters, and we did have a long conversation about LetterTube. I don't remember the phrase LetterTube is all I'm saying. Oh, I would have just called it a tube. I believe you. I believe that it's real. I don't believe that you believe me. No, I do. Are we friends still?

I'm very worried about all of you guys. Shut up, nerd. I'm smiling. Letter tubes is what Tom calls the letter lowercase L. You just look like a little tube. All right, guys. Unless you're looking at it, then it's an O. Yeah, you're right.

I didn't know you knew that letter. Shapes and colors. Can that be a YouTube series? I was going to say O for the joke, and then I thought, let me go L because I don't know if Tom will get it. And then I was like, oh, he came up with O himself. Hey, look at that chemistry. He's getting too big for the show, you guys. He's going to leave you.

He's figured out some of the alphabet. I'm evolved. I'm Charmeleon Tom now. He's going to leave you guys in the dust so quickly. I know. That's what I've been saying for years. I keep on being wrong about that. No, I am the dust.

You guys are fine. It holds this show together. Yeah, it's held together by dust. And soon I will bite it. Connor, your turn. Okay. A boy has staged a successful campaign to end a Colorado town snowball fight ban. Now children across the city will be able to see which one of them can spit cum back into each other's mouths.

Damn it! That's my next joke. Are you serious? I said yesterday a 100-year snowball ban was overturned in a small Colorado town after a request. Mine's so much longer. But it ends with cum in the mouth? Yeah, it's wives all over town rejoice that they were finally freed up. That's chemistry again.

A baby birthed their husband's steaming hot cum into his mouth is payback for ruining their vaginas during childbirth, but same thing. The point is, hot cum in mouth. All right, well, I'm going to ask, did you guys ever do that? Uh, no. Not that he's aware of. You'd put it in a Ziploc, and then just a couple days later, got him. Store a little in your lower lip like a baseball player's chewing tobacco.

I've been waiting for this for months. You guys got the tooth fairy of cum. You just put, you have a little eyedro lip like a baseball player's chewing tobacco. I've been waiting for this for months. You guys got the tooth fairy of cum. You have a little eyedropper and you just ding, ding, ding. Keep it on my gums. I call it pole skull. Pole skull's my favorite. We may have an episode, Tom. Very possible.

A man in speech therapy cured his stutter by faking an Irish accent. In related news, Tom tried to do the same thing but with Asian, and now we have to go to a different liquor store. I saw that guy outside, like not inside the liquor store earlier today. Yeah. It's kind of weird. It is weird. He lives in this neighborhood. They all live in this neighborhood.

All the Asians. Every Asian. No, no, all the clerks. Oh, shit. I'll poo as a Krusty Burger. I didn't think people were commuting from Culver City to work at the liquor store next to our house. Yeah, they could be in a different neighborhood. You don't know about houses.

I don't know why I said it that way. I know why you said it that way. That was a sound that I was not expecting to make. Tom, I'm a little dubious of your house knowledge as you live in a fucking dining room. In a house. You live in some of a kitchen. It's really just a weird corner. I live in the kitchen bathroom.

What it is is a wide hallway. If we made a dog live there, people would feel bad for that dog. You understand? Yeah. I'm not worried about you, Tom. Thank you. Well, then you're obviously not a very good friend. Tom, you're up.

Ozzy Osbourne has admitted he doesn't know what Brexit is. Seems a little insane until you remember he also didn't know not to eat a live bat. Live bat? You know about that? Did he eat a live bat? I realized after I said that you were just

calmed down the way he said it. I thought you were like a live bat. That's interesting. Open, strong, a live bat. That's interesting. Open, strong, not good follow-up today. If you really think about it, a live bat. Where's the bat? It's alive. No, no, no.

I got some here, guys. If you think about it, a live bat is also just a tree. What? Oh, God damn it. Oh, God. I want to hit you with a dead bat. Yeah. Dead bat.

Yeah. I want to shoot you with a live gun. Do you think he goes down on Sharon? Because how upsetting is that if he won't eat her pussy, but he bit off the head of a bat? I think they got some weird vampire rules where they only fuck once every hundred years or something. I don't think that they're actually, I don't think they touch each other. I got to figure he just like shivers and drops money at her and then she can just fuck away. I feel like he pays for it.

What a life, huh? You ask him about it and he's just like, well, the bat shaves. Yeah, well, the bat cleaned itself, Sharon. You're disgusting. I guess it's time to bark at the poon. All right, guys. The CIA is going to brief Congress on the Jamal Khashoggi murder. They were going to boxer Congress, but seeing as it's a bunch of old wife dudes, brief seemed like the way to go.

Very bad. I wanted to feel your shoes. I'm sorry. I was like, is that a towel? Yeah. I think it's suede is what it is. I don't think so. I think it's towel.

Oh, okay. That's a material. That's a fabric someone at Hanes developed and we're like, we're not going to make any more of this. You guys don't have the kids force ones? Yeah. What did I say about those shoes? They look like they belong to a pimp bear hunter. Do you guys know one of those?

Because that's my soulmate. All right, let's see. Neil deGrasse Tyson has been accused of sexual misconduct. In light of the news, the title of the show Cosmos has been changed to Cosmo Cushion for the Pushing, baby. They don't call me Big Daddy Neil, that ass Tyson for nothing. Let me stick this hadron collider in that big black hole. I'm sorry. I thought he was in a wheelchair.

No, that's Stephen Hawking. He's dead. But was also a sex creed. Tom's racist. He thought Neil deGrasse Tyson got diabetes. Yeah, I know. He went to like bondage clubs and cheated on his wife. Oh, I thought you said a sex criminal.

And I was like, absolutely not. No, if anyone tries to be like he sexually assaulted me, they're lying. He's one of Jessica's three remaining role models. He's dead. I think anyone who does science. I just picture in a wheelchair. I sobbed. Yeah?

When Neil deGrasse Tyson died? No, he's alive. Oh, he is. And I'm hoping to replace him. Are you listening, Amazon? What network is this show on? Okay, never mind. Move on.

I'll never move on. No, this is a podcast. I thought you were talking about this show, and I was like, you think we're on the Amazon network? Yeah, I don't think

that's a thing. I was talking about, what's Cosmos on? Fox. Absolutely not. They don't think that's a thing. I was talking about, what's Cosmo's on? Fox. Absolutely not. They don't believe in space. No, well, yeah, Seth MacFarlane produced it. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, that is the one. An Arizona man shot himself in the penis in the meat department of a Walmart. Onlookers were disgusted with one saying, quote, gross. Who buys their meat at Walmart? That is great. Is there, like, a deli at Walmart? The Super Walmarts. Exactly, yeah, there's Super Walmarts where they have like produce sections

and like fresh meat. Yeah, they're like white trash towns get really excited for when they open up. It's like a line outside. Hey, everybody, do you live in buttfuck North Dakota? Then come on down to Building. Building has all the things. The Super Walmart is just a regular Walmart with

french fries and sour cream inside. I love those burritos. Walmart burritos? The ones that are 49 cents? Please don't refer to my pussy as a Walmart burrito. Damn, that was a good one. Speaking of pussies...

It's all on the outside. It's sort of crusty. Just the sheets afterwards. You got a good one. Speaking of pussies. It's more of a tostada. It's all on the outside. And sort of crusty. Yeah, just the sheets afterwards. You got a dust bust. I don't know what that means. French arrow. A mother gave birth to her son in her backyard garden. Way to kill two birds with one stone.

Giving birth and watering the plants. All right. I get it. Gross. I was thinking about the logistics of that and it's very gross have you guys ever witnessed a birth? have you?

yes I saw a video in 7th grade and that baby came out so fast the play version is a lot scarier thank god for lube am I right? I watched a video of a lady giving birth one of those water births where they give birth in a shallow swimming pool. And it just looked like a shark taking a shit.

It's so weird. Just this explosion of goo. Did she also shit? What's up? Did she also shit? People shit. So much came out. I'm sure there was poop in there.

Also, if you get it. I love the idea they were trying to grab the baby and grabbing the poop instead. Like, oh, no. Which one is which? It's a go. It's a turn. I'm sorry, ma'am. Your daughter was born with peanut on the brain.

Oh, wait. No, this is a different thing. Black. All right, guys. Metallica is making stops at local food banks at every location of their upcoming tour. The band's manager says they plan to sue the homeless as soon as they catch them sharing the food. Damn. Wait, I don't get it.

It's a Napster reference? Was that Metallica? Napster's like pre-Google, right? No. They were like Google before? Early internet.

Google wasn't there yet. That was like when it was Ask Jeeves in Yahoo and that was it. I thought Napster was a search engine. No. Napster was the first

place you could steal music, basically. Oh, I thought that was Pirate Bay. Man, Napster was the first place you could steal music, basically. Oh, I thought that was Pirate Bay. Man, these days, the only thing anyone asks Jeeves is, you got to stop panhandling outside of this Home Depot, Jeeves, you broke bitch. I got a question for Jeeves. How do you spell Google? Yeah.

Hey, Jeeves, I fucked your wife. I don't know. Cut to Jeeves just hanging himself. This is the last one, right? I didn't like that condescending mother. I felt weird looking up shit on there when I was young. Because I remember even when I was a kid, I'd be like, this is a dumb thing to search for. But then I'd see the butler and I'd be like, now I'm embarrassed in front of this fancy butler.

How uncivilized. Mother's got coattails. He's judging my life because I can't spell Japan. Yeah. Oh, really? You're 12 years old and searching for ass parade on your grandmother's computer? How very quaint. I dare say there will never be

a McSpadden parade. You guys think coattails are going to go back in fashion? No. I think so. Yeah? I hope so. I just ordered like a ton of tuxedos.

Really? In a manic episode. Anyway, tune in. Are you trying to be like the white lady Andy Kaufman guy? I'm just trying to figure out who I am, man. It's okay. I bought a track suit off an Instagram ad.

We're very similar, you and I. Oh, God. I get those ads. Can you give me a haircut? Man. In me? Is it me? Yeah.

No, but it's you. Oh, thank you. This is a classic Tom. Tom, Mr. X. All right. For the record, that's a shitty bit and I hate it. I know. I know.

Okay. Yum, yum, yum. Your hate. That's nothing. Yeah, this is not one of the five Connor approved bits. Oh, man. All right. You can your whimsy.

Which is a large number of pounds of beef. Yeah. Wile E. Coyote is a terrorist. Yeah. Yeah. Stop going back to this hacky, irrelevant. Well, now do another fat joke. Fucking zilch.

On Friday morning, Anchorage, Alaska was devastated by a 7.2 earthquake. This marks the worst natural disaster in Alaska since 2005 when I shit myself on top of Mount Marathon in Seward. Wait, you guys have a mount called Marathon? It's called Mount Marathon and Fourth of July everyone runs up it. Is it 22.3 miles? No, it's like two. I don't know why it's called Mount Marathon. Itth of July everyone runs up it. Is it 22.3 miles? No. It's like two.

I don't know why it's called Mount Marathon. It's just because people race up there. Or shit up there alone. In the wings. I wish I had footage of that so you could put the Rocky theme on it. Don't drink Southern Comfort as beer. Home is far now. Someone taking a dump at the top of the Rocky stairs and it just goes down like a slinky.

Have you ever shit your pants on an away mission? You know, that's a tough one. Oh, yeah. I've like sharted and I'm like, I have nowhere where this is like deal withable. Where you just leave your underwear in a pile somewhere. I had to discreetly throw a pair of underwear away on the junior high camping trip in Yosemite. Yeah, you just bury them. That's what you should do. We were hiking as a unit up this big mountain. Somewhere in the woods, another Keith is growing.

I don't have time. It was like 90 degrees and I shit my pants. Oh, that's the worst hot shit? And I have diarrhea. Wait, who takes cold shit? Oh, I'm sorry. You guys aren't dying? I don't know. Vegans? You just poop a fully formed fudgesicle yeah I left some dirty fucking

boxer shorts up when I did up when I was in like Northern California one time and it was like I was literally in the woods cause I had like I was trying to pee in my car but I accidentally pooped in my car what is that the geo trackers what is that thing where you can like you should just do that for pairs of underwear you guys leave

oh geocrapping. Oh, dude, fine. We're going to hide our fucking chonies. Yeah, yeah. Just hot shit underwear. All right. The president of Grindr said in an interview that he believes marriage is between a man and a woman. He then nervously muttered something about how I didn't even mean to start a gay app.

I was just trying to download a YouTube on my phone, and it just started doing weird gay stuff, Barbara, I swear. Hey, kids, who wants to go to Lego way? I still say that that app was developed for like homophobes to back. There's gays over there Interesting that's like that's like this I remember there's a big controversy if you poke him on go back to gay Go back to where you came from it's also a good out for men who are like on the DL No, I was just trying to stay away from gay people. I gotta make sure they're over there. I gotta get down to six dots and then I know

I'm in a safe area. We can't stop here. This guy that killed a cop posted a screenshot of the cop logo on Waze right before he did it. And then everyone was like, Waze supports cop killing. And I'm like, that guy just wanted to kill a cop, you idiot.

Fuck. A Delta passenger was in for a surprise. No one's gonna kill Keith Everyone was like, Waze supports cop killing. And I'm like, that guy just wanted to kill a cop, you idiot. Yeah. Fuck. A Delta passenger was in for a surprise. No one's going to kill Keith, but it's the Domino's pizza tracker. And they'll be like, whoa, the pizza tracker is enabling fat violence. Oh, no. A Delta passenger was in for a surprise when the pilot of his airplane messaged him on Grindr. Many people don't know this, but if you give roadhead on a plane, it's just called turbulence.

Airhead. Oh, airheads. Finally, an airline that does give you a free second nuts. It's real. You guys need to stop being so stingy if you're listening, airlines. I'm sorry. Wait, real roadheads real? What's real?

Well, yeah, that's real. Roadheads? Roadheads? The Tom Godson. What's real? Spirit, if you don't get Jessica her peanut, she has nothing to squirrel away for the wintertime. My cheeks are empty. What am I going to do? Her tree is not fully stocked.

This is a very dangerous situation. I'm not going to make it. I don't have any more road work. Alright, well, that was a Mexican joke off. We'll be right back with more Mean Boys right after this. I'm so bored. I just saw a movie and I thought it was pretty good, but now I just wish I could find a man

to talk down to me and tell me I'm wrong. That's why I'm calling 1-800-HOT-TAKE. At 1-800-HOT-TAKE. At 1-800-HOT-TAKE, you'll find the most mediocre, inexplicably confident men ready to take your call faster than you can say, well, actually. Hi, I'm Brian. Little birdie

told me you thought The Last Jedi was pretty good. Well, girl, lay back, relax, and for $1.99 a minute, I'll give you a full rundown of reasons it is empirically bad. And baby, my list is so thorough. Mmm, what if I say

I liked the new girl, the mechanic? I thought she was fun. You're stupid. Why would there even be Asians in space? It's like you don't even watch Cosmos. Mmm, so dismissive. Let's see who else is on the line. Sup?

I'm a different Brian. I saw you write, men are the worst. Put a towel down, because I've written a novel-length response that includes the phrase, not all men, 37 times. I've got wet, hot lips, and they're ready to explain feminism to you until you're weak in the knees. Yeah, second Brian. Talk dirty down to me. I'm Jeff, but you can call me Brian. You're a naughty girl who needs to be spanked right in the opinions. I know girls love multilingual men,

so get ready to be wooed with a bunch of Latin phrases for logical fallacies so I can sound like a lawyer while I tell you all about how Aziz Ansari did nothing wrong. Lay it on me. Ad hominem. Yes. Petit show principi. More, more. Ben Shapiro.

I just ruined a pillow. So call 1-800-HOT-TAKE-NOW. Each call is $1.99 a minute. Actually, it's $2.99 a minute. Mmm. Jesus. it's $2.99 a minute I can't take gels because one time my mom held me down and forced them down my throat by opening the capsule Jesus Christ

Who's horny, huh? Okay, but so why do you want to work at Coffee Bean? And the Mean Boys podcast is back After that ghoulish confession. Yeah, it's time for one of our favorite segments, New Names. It's time for New Names. New Names. I remember.

I think you called all these things names. We'll put the jingle in there. Was that an impression of me? No. Spiritually, yes. That's the way the jingle for new names sounds. Yeah. I love that every time we do a jingle, there's just an immediate impression of us doing a bad version of it.

Here's my impression of you, Jessica. Give me a second. This new belly dancing workout app I bought is going to fix everything. My entire life. It was Jazzerc life. It was Jazzercise. It was Tybo. It's coming back. Billy Blanks knows what he's talking about.

Man, my mom made me do a Tybo workout tape every morning when I was a kid because I was too fat. I would pay to see Tybo. Dude, it was just me in my fat little baseball shorts just like, oh, shit. Scoot up? Scoot up a tee. Sorry sorry I just can't hold this anymore because my hands are broken

and then at one point I lost the Tybo tape which I had broken on purpose oh no so then she got eight minute abs she made me wake up

at 6am to do the workout for ladies that aired on Lifetime oh no you had to do curves workouts I literally was

it was just like alright ladies we're gonna make your hips look great I'm like are we going to make your hips look great. I'm like, are we? You're like, great. I think my hips look fine. Yeah, I think I'm the most fuckable eight-year-old on the block.

Luscious. Because you're the easiest to catch. It's luscious Keith. You just leave a trail of Reese's Pieces like you're trying to rape E.T. And you lay down the same amount of plastic beforehand. Unfortunately, he does not fit on the bike. He's broken so many pegs. They put me in the basket and the bike just flips.

And it just collapses. It goes forward. Keith has broken more pegs than a pirate kickball game. Bang. Damn. All right, guys. I'll take us away with new names. New name for diapers, Poot Roll-Ups.

That sucks. That one I thought I was excited about. I away with new names. New name for diapers, Poot Roll-Ups. That sucks. That one I thought I was excited about. I love with my baby. It's funny. It also sucks. The idea of a Poot Roll-Up. Yeah. Well, you know,

because then you slap the diaper open, they eat it real quick, and there's just the shit flies everywhere. Wait, eat the diaper? Hey, everyone has their thing, man. Yeah. Well, you know, the people do eat diapers, but...

Do you know what a fruit roll-up is? I do, yeah. It's like fruit leather, but tastes better. What is fruit leather? I don't want to know. It's the off-brand. It's basically a fruit roll-up, but it's just like for hippies. Oh, I thought you were talking about Joe's skin for a second.

I was like, why are we bringing him into this? Yeah, why did we bring him into this? Jessica, what's your new name? I didn't know I was supposed to do this. Oh, yeah, just hang out, crack wise. Oh, okay. It's not a big deal. Nice.

Yeah, taunt us for ours. Nobody told me. Wait, did I book you or did Keith? You did. You did. You failed. Yeah, that's my fault then. It's okay, I only asked you several times.

No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. New name. No, you didn't. Yeah, I didn't. New name. No, you didn't. Friendship. Pull up the receipt. I said it out loud to you. That doesn't count.

You've got to do it in writing, or else it doesn't get across my desk. New name for JonBenet Ramsey, Bloody Boo Boo. New name for Ball Sacks, Dick Jowls. Dick Jowls? Dick Jowls, pep it out. I'm just picturing Richard Nixon's dick just talking like, I am not a cock. They're like turkey neck and shit. It's got a gullet.

Yeah, balls, they do. They just jostle. That's the worst part about them is when it's a particularly loose day and they're just like swinging around in there. What is a particularly loose day? When it's hot and they get all dangled. Yeah all dang yeah you got a grocery bag with two oranges and you got to walk all the everywhere here's a trick you gotta get fat enough legs so they just press your balls together at all times um no you got that panini scrotum your legs are like a corset for your nuts oh yeah bad balls great sandwich. Papa John's.

Papa Tom's. All right, guys. New name for blowjobs from self-hating gay man, Chick Felatio. That was a walk. Yeah, I don't care. Cool, man. These aren't just, they're not good. They're fine.

They're good. Okay. All right. Mine would have been better. Okay. What would yours have been? No, I don't know. I'm just saying.

If I knew. Okay, Jessica, new name for shoes. No. Okay. All right. Mine would have been better. Okay. What would yours have been? No, I don't know. I'm just saying. If I knew. Okay, Jessica, new name for shoes. No. Okay, that's also good. I have a few. When you said you were a kid, I was trying to eat a vegetable. Cucumbers, you get ads. New name for waving a fart at somebody, the New Jersey windmill.

New name for George Bush Sr., the Tardfather. That doesn't even rhyme. Who said it had a rhyme? I don't know. Just the basic, like the biological... You want me to be basic today? What that says is a joke.

Yeah. Yeah. Deflections. Rest in peace, George Bush Sr. I'll tell you what, after that joke, Tom, you're definitely not the podfather. Oh! I got clickbaited on Twitter because it was like,

George H.W. Bush was a big sock fan. He loved getting wacky socks as gifts. So let's see the last pair of socks he'll wear because he's dead. In his casket forever. He died. Click here. And I clicked it and I scrolled down and I was just scrolling. I'm like, I hope it's just like I hit some of this is a joke article and it's hentai socks.

But it was just some dumb shit of like fucking airplanes taking off of a carrier. I just thought clickbait was like a thing where you go on to like video chat with horny African villagers. Click chatterbait but with clicking. I like it. I think it's offensive. Cool. Baby powder will now be called Coke Zero. That was really good.

That one's good, yeah. Hootie and the Blowfish will now be known as Nickel Black. Do we want a dirty one or a whimsical one? Dirty. I have a feeling the dirty one will be pretty whimsical and the whimsical one will be pretty upsetting. So, you know, whatever. Let's go dirty. All right. Do we want a dirty one or a whimsical one? Dirty. I have a feeling the dirty one will be pretty whimsical and the whimsical one will be pretty upsetting. So, you know, whatever. Let's go dirty. All right.

I'll do the second dirtiest one. New name for nip slips, Blitz Tits. What? Tit Blitz would have been better. I would have gone Tit Blitz. Yeah. Probably. The pieces are there.

Yeah, pieces. I bring pieces. You took the kit to build a desk from Ikea and you made a bed blitz, yeah. Probably. The pieces are there. Yeah, pieces. I bring pieces. You took the kit to build a desk from Ikea, and you made a bed. Yeah, yeah. You technically bought furniture and made furniture. I'm a Build-A-Bear thought thing. Yeah, you are. Good job, Tom.

Tom got his Build-A-Bear thought. That's his thirst trap. Yeah, no, Tom went to Build-A-Bear. I put a shark fin on this panda, and they're kicking me out. So can you pick me up? I'm done two hours early. Hi, I made a thing that on this panda, and they're kicking me out. So can you pick me up? I'm done two hours early. Hi, I made a thing that's technically not illegal. The template sounds more like a musing column by a porn star, you know, where she's just like, have you ever noticed how—

She's like, I'm also a writer. Yeah, it's like, no, you know. Nothing better than the taste of a flavored condom on a winter day, you know. It works because, like, you know, like in football, they got that offensive line, which is the bra, and then sometimes it goes, woo! And then the linebacker is the tit

and the nipple, and it blitzes through. You sound like John Madden explaining your own return to church. Trying to, like, prove he's not gay. No, you got the eye. You want to get the punchline over to the listener, but sometimes you get cut off at the pass by your own feeble brain, and then you lose 20 yards. And if you look up here on the board, I've drawn a picture of a dick with the orange

MS paint crayon that you use for play-by-plays. No, yeah, actually, in Skeeter's Digest, my favorite section is Hummers in Uniform. Okay, guys, new name for grocery shopping for cannibals. An out-of-bodies experience. Man, that shit was droll. Droll is our new favorite word. New name for shitting the bed.

Sleep crapnia. I love that. Jessica has awake crapnia. That's just poop. I just poop all the time she does poop you poop more than anybody I know

it's true I put in the work 80% of the time you are in a bathroom and 20% of the time you are fuming on your way to a bathroom I'm just going to copy and paste whatever Kevin Hart writes on his Instagram post and just have it be a picture of me shitting you gotta get up earlier than everybody catch that worm whatever Kevin Hart writes on his Instagram post and just have it be a picture of me shitting.

You've got to get up earlier than everybody, catch that worm, and then use it to catch a fish, and that's success. Yeah, success is 50% inspiration, 50% preparation, 40% my dumps. Is it me again?

No, it's Tom. Okay. Yeah. New name for basketball, jump soccer. Sure. That's fun. Yeah, I'm a fun guy. Like a mushroom.

Yeah. Get it? Yeah. I'm glad I didn't play. I'm bad at this. Wait, what's a mushroom? Fun guy. Oh, I'm a, yeah.

No one's doing great here. Yeah, people eat me and then they hallucinate. That actually probably would happen. Yes, probably. If one's doing great here. Yeah, people eat me, and then they hallucinate. That actually probably would happen. Yes, probably. If you had like a bite. You'd be on a vision quest. Yeah, it turns out taking a load from Gus is like licking a toad. I don't know anyone who's doing better since hooking up with me. Anybody want to do some DMT?

Yeah, it's Dick Mayo from Tom. Hey, Tom. Yeah, me neither. What? Oh, you're making fun of her. Oh, I didn't know what you were talking about. Hey, I'm on her side. Yeah, Tom, we're actually all sitting three feet away from you, if you

ever noticed. It's pretty convenient. I'm doing great. Yeah, you are. You're doing much better than me. She just wrote, I'm doing great in menstrual blood on the wall. Everything's fine. With the devil's finger paints. This is part of my new therapy group.

It's really been helping. Well, that and my new tap dance your way to a six pack DVD. Someone's going to make that YouTube channel fucking roast therapy or something. Yeah, probably. Is that real? Well, we're not going to get to be in it, but somebody's got to write it. Okay, I do my best impression of the voices in your head until you start to hate me and love yourself. There you go.

I think that's actually a pretty good service. This is just the YouTube series where we accidentally bully people into suicide. You know what, though? Some people deserve to die. Yeah. We'll be right back. I'm just kidding. Have you ever noticed how some people just add nothing to the world?

Hi, I'm Kramer. Oh, no. All right. New name for the Mr. Hands video. Suicide by Klopp. I don't know the video. Oh, I just thought that was called guy fucking a horse you wanna watch it

he died right it's also your parents wedding video but well it's so funny they went out there with the express thing they were like

we're gonna film this guy fuck horses and that's like a thing they were doing around town and you see the exact moment where the guy whose job was dick holder cause he had to like

keep like a functional amount of dick out of the guy he basically his hand slips and then the dick out of the guy. He basically, his hand slips and then the dick just goes. It's big enough to where you can hear it

in your head hit the back of his neck on the outside. This is like that time my mom got drunk and tried to get a tennis ball off the roof and then I was holding the ladder

and I was like, I can't hold it anymore. Come down. She's like, no. And then she fell off the roof. And then a horse fucked her. And then, yeah. How did you know?

She laid it right on that horse. I've never seen that video, and I don't know why I always imagine the man who dies being Mr. Mime. I don't know. It's always, I've known about this since I was in middle school, and it's always Mime. I've actually never seen it either. I don't want to. I don't either. I just can't afford to cum that hard.

It's a fucking drag. I'll never recover. That kind of is your whole deal. Yeah, hurt him. Scramble up them organs like breakfast. I need to see pain. Part of why we broke up. Because you're not fun? Yeah.

You guys have great chemistry, though. Look, if we didn't have... Have you ever taken a chemistry class, Tom? I did. I got kicked out of it. True story. No, but I built a volcano in geometry once. It's sort of like that. It's easier to lock down the classroom,

which I don't think is legal. Probably with chemistry's top. My whole school strategy was filibustering. Filibustering? Tom, why are you reading a cookbook? This is math class. This is gym. you divide the flour.

Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Fails the Ninth Grade. Hey, I failed the 12th grade. Did you graduate from high school? No. Oh, okay. What? I forgot. You said that like it was such a stupid question. I'm not judging.

We've talked about this. You guys, this is proof that you don't need school to succeed. Yeah, you could be like me and live in a fucking kitchen. Tom is wearing a free track suit from the 1970s to drive to New York. That's a great track jacket. Yeah, it was a mob member's.

Yeah. Did you take it off his dead body? No, his son gave it to me. I'd shout him out right now, but I don't know if he'd want that. Yeah, probably not.

Yeah. Well, there's no way anyone could connect the dots of information of times we've been to New York, people we know there and photos of you in the track jacket and also i think you when that guy was on being like oh yeah he gave you the track so this is his identity is protected for sure yes uh is that it uh no the new name for that government conspiracy that turns people gay. MK Extra. New name for cream pies. Horny Soup.

Horny Soup. I like that. I call periods egg drop soup. That's so good. That's very good. See, I did one. Oh, but mine was bad. All I had to do was go into my act I've been doing for nine years.

I did one. I went to a Chinese place. Actually, I got miso horny soup. Shut up! I'm going to eat my keys. Did you say miso horny soup? That's exactly what I did, yes. Damn it!

It was great. You didn't miss it. You were there. You got it. I was there. I'm here. We doubled back. I got one more.

It might suck. But doing mushrooms will now be called getting an oil change for white girls in their 20s. That is really the... Every time, they're like, I need to do mushrooms again. It's been too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm making this weird sound when I go up a hill.

I really have to... You gotta reset the odometer on the old soul. This feels attacking on me. Yeah, that's probably accurate. Also, mushrooms don't help the sound in case anyone's wondering. Mushrooms don't...

It's infinitely worse. You're this horrible, crackling, bubble pop woman. Like, you're fine. I mean, you're probably... It's probably miserable being you, but you're okay to be, bubble pop woman. You're fine. It's cute. It's probably miserable being you, but you're okay to be around. A man said you're fine. Hey.

There you go. Everything's okay. If you never talked about what was going on in your life, I just think you were mentally unstable. Oh, thank you. Physically, too. That's great. That's so comforting. All right.

Well, the B-Boys podcast will be right back with a Just the Boys mailbag. Oh, no. Right after this. Hi, welcome to the North Hollywood Wellness Center. How may I help you? Hi, I have a 4 o'clock appointment. Perfect. Let's just see here.

Yes, with Dr. Guy that went to three music festivals over the summer? Yeah. Perfect. He's ready for you now. Namaste, dude. Come in. Be healed. Have a fresca.

Life isn't that serious. Uh, alright. Grab a seat, my brother. Anywhere you'd like. These aren't possessions, merely a collection of atoms I'm subletting during my time here on this crazy rock. Feel free to adjust the white noise machine. Comes loaded with six different songs by the XX. What's your call number, fellow weary traveler?

You mean my name? Uh, Jake. Beautiful name, Jake. Stems from an old Cherokee word meaning rebirth. Oh, I didn't know that. I see you're admiring my fertility statue. I got it off the Ivory Coast while I was traveling with my father for my

quarter birthday present. It represents the kinship of man, the pregnant form carved with primitive tools out of stone signifying the common ancestor we all share sweet mother gaia uh actually i i didn't notice it i thought it would have represented fertility nah dude kinship of man so well uh i i came in here because uh i've been you know, I'm going to go ahead and start. What we do here is we try to help you do one very simple thing. Actualize.

All right. Well, I'm dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I mean, they've always been there, but lately it just feels like I can't change the channel in my head, if that makes sense. I don't know, man. It's really scary. I worry that I'm gonna, like... Shh, shh, shh. Bro, actualize. I'm sorry, I don't...

See how good that feels? Such a beautiful gone. You know, I got this on a little John I took out to China with my sister for President's Day. It was made by a blind monk who swallowed a whole pack of Big League Chew and hasn't eaten for six years since it's imbued with rejuvenating frequencies perfect for actualization quaggan's eye bro that's the mantra that was given to me by a shaman i convened with in july unlike typical mantras it's meant to be shared a candle does not burn any less bright when its flame is spread to other candles. It also works for 15% off nootropics at checkout on brainsupply.com.

Oh, that's kind of interesting. Where did you meet this shaman? The Palladium. Have you seen the Black Keys live? Can't say that I have. No wonder you want to kill yourself. You got him. Humor is one of the most important tools in the spiritual warrior's arsenal. You ought to try it. Well, I didn't really think that was funny, but I am surprised you were listening. It's easy to see here what your problem is, John. You're not.

It's Jake. Did you know that means rebirth in the Sioux native tongue? Wait, didn't you say Cherokee earlier? Cherokee already? My Postmates is here. Hold on. I'll be right back. And now a clip from today's Patreon bonus episode with Nathan Hurd.

Yeah, so you get this horrible hotel with this Canadian prostitute for your birthday. Yeah. And then basically he just gave me a handjob, and I can't fucking cum on a handjob. I'm better than you. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to be able to do you you're terrible let me go make dinner for fucking you know seriously a hundred dollar hand job is a bad that's a bad fucking deal but i didn't pay for it and then she put i wouldn't pay a hundred dollars for a break job

yeah you know what i mean like dude i wouldn't pay a hundred dollars for a prostitute it's only gonna take five minutes that's bad math you know what i mean like? Yeah. So fucking – and then she puts a condom on. So I got a condom on my dick. I do like that that prostitute very briefly made what like a new lawyer makes. Seriously. You know what I mean? And she was like, if you give me another $30, I'll take my boobs out. And I was like, can I touch them?

She was like, that's another $30. I was like, what am I going to – I'm blind. What's with all the add-ons? Yeah. Do it like fucking – Am I flying spirit or fucking – This is like an iPhone game. This is bullshit.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you want to fuck me with your backpack on? That's another 40 bucks. 20 fucking dollars for a carry-on, bitch. Yeah, your hand job's getting sent to Denver. Deal with it. You're going to be late. A condom hand job.

A condom hand job. Like, what are you going to get? To be fair... Wash your hands. Did you have to pay for the condom? No. Okay, so that's it. At that point, hey, lady, you're the professional.

Put on a glove. Put on a fucking glove. That's a $99 handjob. To be fair, she did give me the idea of jacking off in a condom just so I didn't have to clean up. See, I've heard our friend Zach Miller says he does this, and I find the idea truly repugnant. Who wants to come in a condom when they don't absolutely have to? Well, yeah, it's like what you're saying. A fat, lazy son of a bitch like me.

A sock. You're going to have a bad time jerking off. Okay, dude, how the fuck? I have not understood this. Jacking off in a sock. First of all, you must have the softest socks in the fucking world. Not anymore, I don't. There's so much.

What do you do? Put lotion in the sock? It looks like I have snake skin socks. That's insane. Are these part of Steve Harvey's Easter suit? I just hold the sock out like a catcher's mitt scenario and just shoot into the sock. Then just bust on your belly. I got hair, man.

Well, no, Keith does that. He puts it on his hand. He puts it on his hand and then he comes in and he pretends that he's like, ooh, let me swallow your cum, Keith. He hand puppets it back at himself. It's me, horny lamb chop. Yeah. And the Mean Boys podcast returns.

Take a look at your emails, tweets, all that bullshit. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith in the dark? Yeah, information. If you guys want to send us an email, meanboyspodcast.gmail.com.

If you want to leave us a voicemail, 304-805-MEAN. That is 304-805-6326 for all you motherfucking simpletons out there. And I want to take a look at this email from atpuffmaddy on Twitter. She said, Hello, mean fellas. I just got aggressively dumped by a 32-year-old balding barista whose favorite genre of music is ska. While this isn't the worst breakup I've ever endured, it is the most embarrassing.

What are some of the mean boys' tips for getting over heartache? Love the show, and you guys well take care. Blackheart. Ooh, first of all, find a different coffee place. Yeah, for sure. If you're going to a coffee shop that isn't just hiring the third most attractive girl in your town to work there, what are you doing? What are you doing with your life? Go somewhere with a pretty lady.

That's why I could never get a job at a coffee shop. I can see you being the third most in one of those towns in Alaska that got fucked up by the earthquake. Well, the town is gone. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. And so now I'm the third pretty. It's incredibly self-deprecating because you live in Anchorage where there are four women. Yeah. And to be fair, there's some pretty hot mole people.

Let's not count our chickens before they hatch here. Oh, yeah. Well, some of the tumors from the irradiated wasteland appeared on the tits, so they kind of got bigger. So those girls get all the guys. That's my dream. You get boob tumors? Just like, yeah, just get breast cancer in my smaller tit and let it take me out so I

can be buried with two symmetrical boobs. And just completely covered, but my tits out. Oh, yeah, just like a body stocking that you cut the tits out, like a weird bondage porn. Like a burka that was made for somebody way shorter than you. Yeah, you're getting too right. Yeah, I know. Sorry. Yeah, so tips for getting over heartbreak.

Okay, well, I suggest getting high and eating Sour Patch Kids. That's also how you'd be in love, though. Like, you have one setting. Well, that's the only thing you know how to feel affection is to eat while reclining. That's the most safe Keith ever feels. If he can eat pizza on his back with you. Yeah. I want to do that.

It's like Avatar, I see you. Yeah, every time my girlfriend comes over, we pretty much just order a bunch of pizzas and just don't put pants on. That's love. It's the fattest, laziest relationship I've ever been in, and I love it so much. It's beautiful. I start to keep shuffling downstairs with a pizza box and a fresh, big frozen thing of dibs, the little ice cream bites. And I'm like, well, this is a very fat errand you're on. And you're like, what?

It's date night. I think it's cute. It's a phone date, but it counts. Just Skype eating pizza together. Connor's like, I'm going to drink a kale shake and see if I can make this pillow feel like a person. Dude, I don't like, I don't know, talking, like confide, like I don't really want to confide in anybody. It kind of annoys me. What? No, you?

That's probably why you're so miserable. I've actually been really happy lately. No, I mean for other people to be around. You seem like you're having a great time. All I had to do was embrace the autism I'd been running from. Like, no, it's okay to be autistic.

That's right. One of my favorites is Connor. You realize how weird the friendship is when you... I had an emotional dilemma, a weird thing I was dealing with. I was like, hey, man, I need your advice. And Connor just, not meaning ill, just goes, what do you want? I wanted to know what you wanted. I know, but you said it like I barged into your library and demanded information.

He's like, hey, what are you? You interrupted me sitting here staring at the wall. I got to try to switch that to a, hey, what's going on? And you started catching yourself when you do it, which I appreciate. Yeah. I just want a brief acknowledgement of like, hey, what person would possibly speak to their friend that way? And then I'm okay with it.

You're like, malfunction. I just wish I didn't have to. You know what I mean? I wish I lived in a world of me's where I could be like, what the fuck do you want? And be like, could you move your car? Yeah, fuck face. And then we'd just go about. You really missed out on a winner here.

You're such a narcissist. God damn it. I know. What a we'd just go about. You really missed out on a winner here. You're such a narcissist. God damn it. I know. Going back to the email. I wish I could live in a world of me's. That's the most Connor thing I've ever heard. We have a very important question.

How did you two get over each other? He got over me by dating me for five months and then he was over it and he stayed in it for like six more or whatever. I don't know what that was. Wow. And I got over it by, did you just get over or whatever i don't know what it was um and i got over it by you just you know i don't know uh i feel like you want to cry you should cry don't tuck it in

that's important uh you know go ahead sob till you uh are shitting yourself is what i did i cried so hard i kick-started my period early um and then also i took guitar lessons but your trip to hawaii and did a 10-day silent meditation so you know just really lean into yourself really fill up your basic bitch bingo card that's good advice that's what's so cool about Jessica just like terrible things keep happening to her and she just goes like

well I'm just going to try to love everyone a little harder and make myself a little better as best as I can and it's very awesome it's not working but I keep we press on that silent meditation retreat oh yeah so much a lot of good networking. You get a lot of connections at that silent meditation retreat?

Oh, yeah, so much. A lot of good networking. I made eye contact with a really hot guy. Wait, you were on a silent meditation retreat? Yeah, I did a 10-day Vipassana. You told me that like seven times. Yeah, it's my only personality trait now. She's doing an hour of quiet breathing at the silent retreat impromptu.

Actually, on January 31st, I'll be doing a show about it in the belly room. Oh, shit. Are you doing a codependent? Yeah, I'm doing my show. Oh, okay. Go see... Look, I'll add Keith's dick in if belly room. Oh, shit. Are you doing a codependent? Yeah, I'm doing my show. Yeah, I want to see that. Look, I'll add Keith's dick in if it's not too much work. We could try.

I'll just throw my dick out live. You just get on stage and then walk away during that? Yeah. Never address it. Yeah, I think that if you feel like you need to fuck people or whatever,

I don't know how old this person is. People go through different things. I'm not like a fuck somebody to feel better thing anymore, but if you feel like that'll help, yeah, get a hot dick in there. Or a cold one. Whatever.

My thing is, a cold dead dick. My policy with that has always been, I'm a big believer in, yeah, let yourself feel sick. Because I feel like a lot of breakup advice is like, don't think about him. You don't need no man.

He doesn't deserve your tears. You don't need nobody. Just get out there and be better than you ever were before. It's like, no, let yourself feel like shit. Let yourself, like, hurt because that's how you grow the scab. I think fuck when it's going to be fun and not when you're doing, like, oh. Oh, yeah, no.

I mean, you're right. When you know you're rushing out to get laid and you're like, I know this is a sad one. Yeah, it's like, don't try. That's, I agree. It's like, don't try to fill the void. Like, be, let the sadness out. You don't need to fucking. Exactly. Don't fill the void. Be the void don't try to fill the void. Like, let the sadness out. You don't need to fucking... Exactly.

Don't fill the void. Be the void. Yeah. I am the void. I guess my advice is just focus on how relieved you are. That's honestly not bad. I'm just like, oh, fuck. I don't have to tell her that I'm going to the store now.

Yeah, exactly. Or any of that shit that I hate doing. It's weird. Your spine just sighed. Yeah, that was. I just make noises like an old person now sometimes. Today I woke up and just went, help, for no reason. Oh, yeah, when she queefs, it does the life of her noise.

This guy. You know that God fella everyone's talking about? It's like, are you there, God? It's me, a pile of bones on the floor. It's me, your biggest mistake. I have some issues. All right, well, no, we biggest mistake. I have some issues. All right. Well, no, we're not.

What a fun question. Yeah, if you have any good answers for this person, leave us a voicemail and give your answer. Yeah. That's a good question. Oh, I struggle with that, too. It's a time healer. You just have to accept it's going to hurt for a while.

And just keep going. Or become Dr. Strange, speed up time, be good. Acknowledge your pain, let yourself heal without completely going into a spiral and fucking up your life. Yeah, but it's okay to not be okay, to quote memes and shit. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, sadness is a normal human emotion. You can also damage your life and then you're distracted by that and not the person you lost. Yeah, don't do what Tom just said.

I'm just spitballing. Just make a list of everything wrong with that person and read it aloud until you feel better. We've got to add another segment to the Mean Boys podcast. One of those inspirational Instagram things, which is a picture of Tom, which is get high. Become paranoid about orange. Find clothes. Sleep in your car. You should have an inspirational Instagram.

It'd be amazing. Eat, pray, scream, fight, run, hurt, die. Love. Ooh, a hat I found in the trash can. A Christmas miracle. I have a favorite liquor store where I get most of my hats.

That's not a joke. Of course you do. Yeah, all the hats are never more than $7, never less than $3. The price is right, but everything else is wrong. Your whole life is wrong. None of those people could speak English. There was a whole spiraling conversation where I asked for turquoise cigarettes, but they are my favorite people in the world because they provide cheap clothing. What is a turquoise cigarettes, but they are my favorite people in the world

because they provide cheap clothing. What is a turquoise cigarette? Up next to the bachelor auction, the gentleman on the left is wearing a Stacey Adams. Very handsome. The gentleman on the right is wearing a Arco. All right. Eric Hank asks, are you glad you went on a cruise with your family? Is that for you guys?

That's for you. That's for you. Yeah, I went on a cruise with your dad. I went to pick up gay guys. My real dad? You found him? I did, yeah. My family doesn't believe in boats.

Of course they don't. They're flat earthers. They don't want to fall off. Yeah, it's too scary. It was fine. It was fun. I don't know. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

It was a cruise with my family. I mean, I did make it to the finals of The Voice of the Ocean. Okay. And it put a lot of strain on my family. And one of the chairs turns around and instead of CeeLo, it's just an orca. I weirdly just saw it. It's not like they do The Voice, but just on the boat. It's The Voice, yeah, and it's like actually like...

The Submariner is here. It's like actually NBC, so they had owned all these rights to songs and stuff. But like... I saw a dude we used to know from way back doing comedy was just on that cruise as well and won. He was on that cruise? I don't know if he was on that. Was it an old black man named Joe? No, it was this big Mexican guy named Dave Nunez. I remember...

I think I remember. No, I don't. Yeah, it might have been a different cruise, but the same thing. Yeah, the same thing. It's like on, I think, all princess cruise. Yeah, but he posed like the voice of the whatever ocean line. It was fine. I realize I'm for sure not a cruise person, but then I guess maybe they would be more fun with friends and family but it's just like

food and like casinos in my family. It sounds good. I feel like the food there on the boat has to be dog shit. It's not great. There was like

we went to a steak there's the food you get that's included and then there's restaurants you can pay a little more for. We went to a steakhouse the first night. It was fine.

It was like but yeah it's basically a cafeteria on the water right with like bingo and slot machine yeah in my head which is all my family wants that's like i'm like there's no reason for me to go on a cruise ever unless i'm like a gross old guy who's trying to fuck other gross old people yeah or like it's one of those weird like a band you like has a cruise yeah see i would do that or it could be fun with like a group of friends if you if you like drink. But I'm just like, just go to Vegas. That's the thing.

Imagine Vegas and you couldn't escape. I imagine your family's idea of a good outing is like, alright, we're gonna get up at 4am and camp out so we can get our books signed by the Target dog. It's the same dog from the commercial and he's stamping books with his paw. That's ridiculous. My family cannot afford books. Well, yeah, you gotta use something to keep that table

level after Terry broke it during the Bitcoin crash of last year. Damn it, Terry! He really has a coin collection. Oh, I know he does. He collects state quarters as if they're... I'm really into anti-Semitism and amismisty. Amismatist is a coin collector. Oh, wow.

Word of the day. Wow. How am I still single? I don't understand. I should have found somebody. A mistatist? A mismatist? A mistatist?

A mistatist. A mistatist. Mr. Mix-a-lot? A mistatist. Sir Mix-a-lot. A minstatist. Blitz tits. Blitz tits.

Blitz tits. Can we film a commercial for that? For Blitz tits? Yeah, that might be if I have to become a sketch. This podcast is brought to you by BlitzTits.com, the only way to bet on the Pornhub rankings of the day.

And it's just like a quick montage of nipple slips everywhere. Oh, God, too many nipples all at once. Yeah, yeah. Odds on Mr. Hands

are one to seven billion, but I mean, that's a good dark horse pick. You never know. Weirdly, no nipples in that porn. Oh, really? The man is wearing a shirt.

I thought you were going to see a frog for a second and be like, oh, that's a horse. You don't even, no nipples in that porn. Oh, really? The man is wearing a shirt. I thought you were going to see a bra for a second. You don't even see horse nipples? Do male horses have nipples? You know what? I went down

the same thought trade and then I was like, and then I met just very large pink nipples on the horse and then I stopped thinking. Like a human male nipple?

Yeah, maybe you can see them on the peripherals. I promise when you watch it, you're not focused on the nipples. When I watch it, I'm never watching it. I'm going to make you watch it. No, you're not.

Have you guys seen the Grinch porn? How many iTunes reviews? How many times have you pitched all sorts of things I'm going to do? I'm still not in a cage. Snark week listeners. You're going to get in a cage and I'm going to find that horse. Yeah. I'm going to have a horse fuck you to death in a cage.

Aww. Wait, we got any more questions? Poor guy. The cruise was good? It was fine. It was a cruise. Well, no, I just didn't know when the Mr. Hands thing was going to end, and I was like, I can't get a word in edgewise here.

I was waiting for a second. Jessica, do you think he could put me in a cage? No, I think that you would kill him. This whole cage thing, I know it's caught on. I just have no interest in it. You're never going to do it. Well, then, therefore, it's bad. Aren't we all technically in a cage?

I mean... You are, certainly. Yeah, but it's like a weird wicker cage you could very easily break. Like a birdhouse. Yeah, there you go. You're like what a badger would build to survive. Yeah, and it's not working. I have a still-trapped brain.

Yeah. I like to think that Jessica's more trapped in a trapped in, like, a condemned, like, queen's apartment complex, where it's just, you know, it's full of... It's my dream home. I'm working up to that. You just have all 12 floors, and, like, ooh, this one is the new exercise plan of the week room. Underneath that, I have the colorful outfit emporium, and then all the rest of the floors

are black men, and that's my... We got one to just store weird superfood grains that I'm never going to eat again. Oh, yeah. The quinoa bunker. Yeah, well, I've been taking... You guys know me too well. I'm imagining... You still get a lot of your chunk mail.

You just put a scoop full of... Sorry. You put a scoop full of eagle talons in your smoothie in the morning, and then you feel great the rest of the day. They're really good for you. I don't know why I have this impulse. You shot a musket at some point, right? What?

Yeah, what? Yeah, we already told the first story. Who told you about that? I don't know. Did you, though? No, in a past life, though. Oh, okay. I was in several wars.

You said that like it was true, and you were very upset that Tom brought it up. Yeah. I don't want to talk about the musket. Yeah, she was the Lorena Bobbitt of the French and Indian Wars. She cut off her husband's dick and then... And shot it out of the musket. Yeah, she was the Lorena Bobbitt of the French and Indian War. She cut off her husband's dick and then... And shot it out of a musket. Yeah, he... They didn't really have bullets back then. It's what you had to do.

Yeah, how's this for Christmas, Henry? Pfft. Any words of wisdom about how to survive the next 200 years? Don't! Some state of Illinois celebrated 200 years since their admission to the Union. I don't know.

Probably buy bottled water. Yeah, we got about 40 more years of America left. Humans aren't going to make it 200 more years. Oh, humans are. It's just going to... No, no. We're going to be dead in like... I don't think so.

A hundred and twelve. No, I think America's going to go all Mad Max on us. Earth is going to be like seven... They're going to put us in camps, get non-perishable food, build a basement. I don't know. Comedians. Yeah.

Free speakers. Comedy camp, yeah. Yay. Everyone on the train. In about 50 years, Earth is just going to be like eight rich dudes in some sort of floating bubble

in the middle of the ocean that are just like, why didn't we also save a hot chick? Oh no. Fuck. Oh God. Are there any words you'd like to add to the English language that you think describes something that takes way too goddamn long to detail?

I love tartle, a Scottish word for when you go to introduce someone to someone else and realize you have no clue what their name is. Wait, what's the question? Is there any words you think you should add to the English dictionary for something that's... There should be a word when you say goodbye to someone, but then you walk in the same direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a good one.

That feeling sucks. Oh, yeah. I like schadenfreude. Schadenfreude. In German, that's a good concept that we could have our own word for. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess schadenfreude works, though. You know what? In Japan, they go, itadakimasu, before they eat, and that would be good... I bet they don't do what you just did. No, they don't. It would be good to have something like that in America,

because it's either like you just eat or you're waiting for people to eat. Just like a verbal cue. Like, alright, everyone's allowed to eat now. I think that you just eat. I always get very neurotic, Jessica. I need a starter's principle for meals. Yeah, Tom is the only homeless guy

with a poison test. He pays a guy more poor and retarded than him to eat his cucumber. I don't even know what you eat. Really? Yeah, try these Sour Patch Kids before I fucking...

You know, like when you got the drug shipment in and you're like, all right, Benny, you take the first rip. Okay. There should be a word to convey

like that when you deliver bad news that a person doesn't need to feel bad for you. Oh, that's good. Or like when there's a breakup or when you're like, that a person doesn't need to feel bad for you. Oh, that's good. Or when there's a breakup or when you're like, ah, this went wrong. It doesn't hurt to save you, but it's fine. It's fine.

Yeah. Like I had a very, insert word, breakup. Rasputin. Rasputinative. Rasputational. Yes. All right. Rasputin. Move on. Okay. Rasputational. Yes. All right. Resputa.

Move on. Okay. Resputa Matata. If you had to write a buddy cop movie starring a historical figure and a fictional character, who would you pick? Ooh. Blue from Blue's Clues and Mussolini. Blue Cellini.

Wow, that was quick and weird. We literally did this. We did Clinton and McGill. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true. But does it have to be an existing fictional character? I guess. We literally did this. We did Quentin and McGill. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true. But does it have to be an existing fictional character? I guess. I don't know.

I mean, fictional. Fiction is added to every day by people on Tumblr, so. Tumblr's going away. Well, porn's going away. Well, it's not Tumblr going away. Yeah, Tumblr's going to die. Between that and them taking down my whole page where I post screenshots of my stepdad's typos. The site's doomed.

Well, I feel like that's really going to break up a lot of these pornographic communities, because it's like, you go on there, and it's like, these people are really bonding over this tentacle stuff. Yeah. They've got to find some place to go. They've had enough. Yeah, it's both very sad and hilarious. Reddit will say it's too dirty, and they've got to try to send up some sort of old school

forum or something, but I mean, it's sad. You should start a non-profit for it, and just a very black and white video of tentacle porn viewing people, like, what do we old school forum or something. But I mean, it's sad. You should start a non-profit for it and just a very black and white video of tentacle porn viewing people like, what do we do? Yeah, yeah. Somebody start that website. Just like purely the sexual Tumblr. And that's fucking money, man. It's basically like the Red Cross for sexual autism.

Yeah. It's going to be the Armenian death march for like furries. It's for real. They're just going to have nowhere to go. We're going to fucking kill them by separating them from their families. Oh, man. We're really getting yiffed out of our houses and homes here. To JMS, I'm super curious

if the whole my friend... Oh, wait, no. This question sucks. Because you said something like, oh, my friend did something really cool. And they thought it was a bit. They thought I have a bit where I pretend to have friends. I don't think it was even that i think just some of our autistic listeners just don't understand that we gotta stop being autistic

people that aren't you i love my autistic listeners i'm autistic so they're my most interactive podcast people oh me too i love the only reason i have questions is because of autistic people yeah well i mean just sometimes to ask the question because I'm the guy who has to say it, it sounds very rude. Yeah, I get that. You know what I mean? All right. Let's get some voicemails and see what fucking Santa left for us today.

So, just wanted to give a call and see after I inadvertently almost thrust Connor into a hostage situation and getting shot to death. Have we ever made a trip to the Joe's of trade? And what items would you maybe have picked up? Oh, yeah. This happened. Someone sent us a Trader Joe's gift card, and we got it in the mail the day that guy got shot. Do we still have that? A Trader Joe's?

It's right over there on my counter. If anyone wants it, you can have it. I do. Oh, never mind. It's for you guys. At Trader Joe's? It's right over there on my counter. If anyone wants it, you can have it. I do! Oh, never mind. It's for you guys. You guys need it more. It's a fun trip. Except you. It's fine. I'm on an organic meal delivery service now, so... Oh my god.

I'm getting a lot of trail mix. Yeah, I'm on shut up apron. Shut up and eat, bitch. Yeah, I got no opinion on Trader Joe's. I've been inside maybe seven times. Great trail mix. When we went to Kyle Clark's house, they had that crazy churro popcorn. It's great for already made good snack foods that you wouldn't think to cook up or whatever.

Right. The cool package things like that. Yeah, or like a pirate hoodie or a cookie butter type situation. Yeah, cookie butter. I feel like Trader Joe's just takes existing food and adds sea salt and or dark chocolate. All right. And we're done. Man, that is a thousand percent.

No, I heard that they actually like just take existing things from other that other people have created and put their logo on it. Yeah. Oh, wow. Neat. Cool. So you guys can do that. But they have great trail mix.

You guys have their peanut brittle? Peanut brittle? No, we're not moving on to you saying this right. Peanut brittle trail mix? Peanut brittle trail mix? I have none. They're like, hey, let's put the two worst snacks together. It's so good.

It's so good. Peanut brittle trail mix. The first time I ever hooked up with a girl, I ate an entire bag of it before. How'd that go? Your whole stomach was just full of sugar. Oh, yeah. So you were just on a sugar high? I might be going hiking up a pussy land.

I can't feel my right arm. Who's ready to fuck? I'm going to leave corner pieces of the brittle as a trail in case I get lost in there. This is pretty embarrassing. Nothing turns women on like crumbs. Afterwards, I clogged the toilet. I gotta go. Sorry, Stacey.

I took a thick, brittly dump. I left a booty brittle in your toilet. I shit out the world's least digestible food. Why didn't I eat the raisins? Look, I was only 70 pounds heavier at that point as well. But yeah, it was a lot. Why are they selling foods that were like during the depression snacks? It's so good.

You guys don't fuck with peanut brittle? I do love peanut brittle. Not really. No. I love peanut butter everything, but it's just like eating a fucking like pane of glass that's covered in like, you know, weird sticky shit. I like a good brittle. Dude, I'm brittle as...

I'm all about the brittle. I feel like someone could trick you guys by just like putting peanut butter coating on a non-food product and calling it peanut brittle. I mean, of course. Not you specifically, just like anyone, because peanut brittle is. That's how Jessica and I started dating. She put peanut butter on her personality and then. I have a great peanut butter for that.

You have a great brittle. My personality is brittle. I make sound effects to distract from how boring I am. My name's Grant. I'm from Tarzana. I knew that from The Voice. My question is just, how do you guys go about dealing with, you know, feeling tapped creatively or feeling like you just can't make it in this, uh, this career that you guys have chosen? I myself, uh, I'm a

classical musician and, uh, there are a lot of nights where I just sit up thinking I have chosen the worst possible career for myself. So I figured who better to ask than you guys. Yeah. How do you guys deal with that? Thank you. That's a new identity for us. We've never had a classical, like, I've never recorded an episode.

I've been like, I bet people who listen to this also fuck with Beethoven. And I will say, I feel like that, like, is such a more of a bummer career to be in than comedy because at least we have options. Yeah, that's like a niche market. There's no open mic for... You can't do audience warm-up if you're a violinist. Yeah, there's no open mic

for the bassoon. Oh, man. Man, but as far as you feel like taxed creatively, you're not going to get anywhere. You got to trap yourself more to motivate yourself to succeed. Yeah, no one's more trapped than succeed. Yeah, you have to be like

have nothing else to do. You gotta be I'm gonna get naked on the internet for a small amount of money so that I can't get a regular job and I have to send emails. Yeah, you could do the same thing with bad tattoos. I'm doing both of these things. Yay! Let's all get

matching tattoos. I'm down just to commemorate this pretty good podcast. Let's get Tom 2s. Yeah, I'll do it. Are you kidding? We'll all get tattoos that say B minus. Yeah, so we'll always remember this. It'll actually be a pretty good tattoo. It's also your blood type, so it's one-stop shop.

I'm B plus. Oh, I was guessing. Oh. Oh, well, I give you a B. It's bigger than both my tits. Listen to the bullshit we do. And, you know, just find the thing you like doing. You know, just do it as much as you can.

And, yeah, when you feel screwed, Connor's advice is really good. If you feel trapped, you know, if you feel trapped, you'll figure out a way out. Yeah. Yeah, well, I also like the thing that I think is good is, like, commit yourself to things that are slightly outside of your means. You know, like I moved out here when I could barely afford it. And I was just like I didn't have any sort of job. I wasn't even like on any sort of like app you work for. I was just doing like shitty one-nighters. And I was like, are there enough shitty one-nighters to live inside indefinitely?

And I was like, I don't know. I'll have to figure out something. Like just do it like, you know, do that and all that. So I think like stuff like that is good. You know, if there's any equivalency that you can like, oh, I should move here and do this. Like, well, yeah, just do that. So then you'd be like, I wake up here someday, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I live in this shitty, horrible house.

And it's like, well, I guess I live here because I'm trying to do this thing. And it's a constant reminder. I think that's kind of a good thing to sort of keep around with you in your wallet. Yeah, I think for the tap creatively thing, because I get burnt out all the time. And I think the trick, what I've learned, is just keep doing it, and it's going to be bad. But if you keep doing it, you'll swing back to feeling creative again. Produce some bad shit. It's okay.

I'm not surprised by how big of a tank you have with that shit. Because I remember when I was writing for the Willis roast, and it was the last week, the day of. And it's like, all right, we need some more Bruce jokes. And I'm like, I can't think about Bruce Willisis for another fucking second and then i realized like okay i'm being paid to do this i have to do this we gotta get us in and something and then i like oh yeah there's still plenty of shit i haven't talked about right like there is you have another tank and another tank it just it's hard to get to it and you uh you just gotta fucking don't look at the blank screen is another good one yeah don't you type something it's easier to make something better

than to make something. Yeah. All the cloth. Keep moving. Yeah. And it's even even with this show. We do that where a lot of times it's like, oh, all the time. It sucks.

But we have to make something. So, yeah. Yeah. You know, giving yourself a you know, you have to do something. Yeah. Hard deadlines. Exactly. Oh, I haven't been faking it through since episode 14 when I first got out of here.

I mean, yeah. We got one more quick one or do you want to wrap it up? Yeah, we can do another one. Alright, cool. Okay, yeah, let's go with this one. Dean Denton here. What are your spirit animals? Thanks for all you do. Bye.

I want to ask a very formal voicemail. Dean Denton here. Dean Denton, Social Security number 324. Yeah, Dean Denton, Social Security number 324. Yeah, Dean Denton. Who would you say is your favesies? I want to ask this. Jessica, what are our spirit animals?

What are your spirit animals? Yeah. Oh, no. Okay, let me think. Circus bear, fatter circus bear, guy that owns the circus bears. You don't own anything. That's not true. You gave me a lot of stuff.

Okay. I didn't know I belonged gave me a lot of stuff. Okay. I didn't know I belonged to Jessica. Herpes, that heater. You guys can come to my home and live in my hovel. Man, that sounds pretty tight. How's your kitchen? I would love that. My kitchen's huge.

You said that like a threat. How's your kitchen, bitch? Your bedroom would be like twice as big if it was my kitchen. Nice kitchen you got here. Be ashamed if a fat guy lived in it. Let's see um i do feel like one of you guys would be like a bear like uh i feel like you're like a koala bear like you're very like i have chlamydia yeah thank you yeah and high all the time right aren't they high all the time i know you're not but i feel like you strike me as a very like cuddly i don't know but you know

it was not a tightly wound ball of rubber like a bear 24 hours a day it's like a bear that's like cute that you could would still kill you probably but i'll take it um tom tom's spirit animal is a large boat yeah i gotta go i figured out tom is a large boat. Yeah. Tom is a spirit animal. I feel like Tom is all of our spirit animals. The best part about Tom is that people just live vicariously through him. He's like, so this is what would happen if I just committed to these dark fantasies I have, where I just don't play by society's rules at all and just fucking suffer the consequences. What's hilarious is I've been tried to play by society's rules.

They're just ill-defined. I think Tom's spirit animal... With a crooked mohawk. Yeah, you know, society's rules. I'm not trying to give society a little shuck and jive or whatever the word is, you know. Tom's a meerkat.

Okay. Because I feel like they're all... Because I'm skinny. Yeah. Because you're alert. Sarcastic. I feel like they're like lookout things, you know? I get mongoose a lot. What are they called? Not mongoose. Honey badger.

Oh, yeah. Honey badger's great. Yeah, some sort of... Is that one of the apps you use to meditate? No, that's how I get fucked. You're on Honey Badger, too? I am. I'm there.

And Connor's a snake. I don't know if this is a bit or... I'm a what? A snake. Oh, hell yeah. That's so good. You're an orangutan with a bow. Oh, man.

A cute one. You're that Monkey Jay and Silent Bob. A baby orangutan. Yeah. Oh, I'll take it. Honestly, that's about what I see in the mirror, so that's fine. There you go. Yeah, you can afford a bug.

Hey, orangutans have big titties. They do, and they also rip off dicks when they're angry, so. It is me. Oh, man, this is a fun episode. Yeah, tell us about ignorance is blessed. You would be terrifying angry. Yeah, I don't get angry very often, but I sort of hulk out. Yeah, great.

Ignorance is Bless. That's my podcast. Listen to it. It's a podcast, and it's fun. Yeah, there'll be a link to it in the show notes. You've got a lot of cool guests on. It's great. You just take something that you are uninformed about, and you ask people all the ignorant

questions you'd want to ask. Yeah, I basically take the stupid bullet for everybody. Yeah. Learn things. I've been on it. It was fun. You guys don't have to pretend you listen. It's fine. stupid bullet for everybody. So learn things. I've been on it. It was fun. You guys don't have to pretend you listen. It's fine.

I don't listen. I listen to what I was on. I can't believe I said that. And then follow me at JMS Comedy and see where I'm at live. Come see me. Any dates coming up? Are you seeing anybody? Have you moved on?

I'll be all over LA for the next month and then I'll be in Portland at Helium January 10th through 12th and then

some other stuff jmscomedy.com slash shows or tour one of those cool yeah I'm coming to Canada

at the end of the year on the 27th Windsor, Ontario the 28th Chatham, Ontario those are the cities you can get tickets on nextbestcomic.com. I did not

come up with the URL, so save your slams. But yeah, please come see me in Canada. Cool. Fuck everything. God is there. Bye.