Mean Boys - EP 17 - Techno School
Episode Date: April 28, 2016Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Is This Domain Name Taken”, “Carnok”, “Butterman”, “Non Canon Civil War” ...and a game of “Which of the Following” with 2 Chainz lyrics. Our sponsor is “Buffalo Wild Wings”. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Watch the new episode of Burn Booth with Connor and Keith (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1ehmxmuE9w) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
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All right, everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast.
I'm Connor McSpadden.
I'm Joe Doss.
And I'm...
A hefty bag full of cupcake stumps.
Oh, yay!
The worst part of the cupcake.
He bit off the frosting
parts, you see.
That's where the nutrients are, Joe.
You can't have a mouthful of food that
doesn't have frosting on it. It's inefficient eating.
Yeah, you need something to lubricate
it down your fucking sugar cave you call
a throat. A-B-F.
Always be frosting.
A-Always-Be-B-F
Frosting. Is that from Glen Gary Glen Frost?
By the way, I want to say...
Pastries are for closers.
I can't even be insulted by this because not an hour ago, outside of the open mic that I was at,
I ate a piece of a brownie that a stranger left behind.
It was to prove a point to some shit-dick open micers that I'm a real man.
But the point is I am strictly friendly.
Oh, you sure showed them.
I did.
Did you mean to say to prove that you're a real raccoon?
You sure showed them your limited life expectancy.
I already regret every choice I've made that's led to this point.
I would say you scurried up a telephone pole if there was one that could support you.
That's what Keith is, Connor.
He's a fucking just an obese raccoon that, like, someone's daughter is feeding after their dad told them not to.
And now he just can't go back to the wild.
I'm under your porch.
He got into the dog's wet food and now he won't leave.
They call me Rascal.
It's the name of the scooter I'm going to be riding in.
If there's a raccoon like just transient in your life and you're not calling it Rascal, you're straight up fucked up.
I hope it gives your children rabies.
You know, I tell you what, we have a lot of fun on the Mean Boys
podcast, but it's important to remember that Keith is
very fat.
I thought it was going to vaccination
direction. Always vaccinate
your fat kids. Hey, everybody, it's time for the Mexican
Joke Off!
Hi, so topical.
Alright, I have had
enough of this slamming.
I'd like to get us started on some good, clean joke writing.
A new study that shows...
Fuck.
You see how toxic the fucking productivity was to my output?
You're like a sprinter who shot himself with a starter pistol.
All right. shot himself with a starter pistol. Alright.
A new study shows that teens that attend
technical school...
Welcome to techno school!
That's where the guys from Daft Punk went.
It's over in France.
Though I mastered the mollyfingering.
Oh my god, I got my old mollyfingering final later. I didn't even loop. I didn'tlly fingering. Oh, my God. I got my old molly fingering final later.
I didn't even loop.
I didn't even douche.
Didn't even butt study.
Butt study.
All right.
Let me.
No one's not going to do horrible.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I believe in it.
All right.
Oh, fuck.
It's not Satan, Joe.
I don't believe you.
I've never seen eyes do that before.
That was the most frightening thing I've ever seen.
God help you, Connor. Tell your joke.
A new study shows that teens that attend
technical school graduate with jobs and no
debt. A spokesperson for Keith's Mother's Academy
for Got Her Come Drug Slut says enrollment
is through the cardboard roof.
This was not past months
they're at techno school.
The Pentagon declared
that a drone strike
on a Doctors Without Borders hospital
was not a war crime
because it was not intentional.
The general further remarked
that the Hague Convention
clearly allows for take-backsies.
The Sports Authority announced
it will be closing
all of its stores nationwide.
Experts are calling this a resounding victory in America's war on movement.
You're the fucking Patton in that army.
We'll fight them from the recliners, from the mattresses.
We'll fight them from the Arby's, from the Wendy's.
I shall stay here.
On this diabetes stump I stand.
Oh my god, it's the Iwo Jima thing,
but they're just like trying to open a bag of chips together.
They're picking up a turkey leg.
I just want to note how many fucking treaties
and old-timey documents Joe knows offhand.
You know, I'm like...
Hey, I learned a lot at tech school.
The Treaty of Potsdam.
Potsdam.
Parents will now be able to monitor their underage children's Tinder accounts.
A developer for the app compared it to parents checking Halloween candy for razor blades
than keeping the sweetest young tang for themselves.
Saucy.
Irish pagans will be allowed temporary release from jail on February 1st
to celebrate the Festival of the Lactating Sheep,
or as Conor McSpadden calls it, Mother's Day.
Hi, Mom.
Tribal leaders are petitioning Obama to preserve 1.7 million acres of land
at the base of the Grand Canyon.
The Grand Canyon is the second largest pit in America, falling just inches short of Joe
Dosh's anus.
Got a big butthole, dog.
Yo, man, that shit's straight cavernous, dog.
Yo, it's gay cavernous, dog.
I mean, it started off as just a single little stream, but then eons have come, eroded it
into the fucking stink trench that it is today.
Yeah, you pay 20 bucks to ride a donkey all the way to his prostate.
Didn't Evel Knievel try to jump over your asshole?
You sure you weren't available, so he had to jump over some lesser asshole?
Oh, he did, but he got injured in a stunt the day before,
and they had to book Truckasaurus.
Truckasaurus!
Truckasaurus!
Followed by Molly Hatchet and Joe's Prostates.
A Texas court has blocked a proposed clean
air law in Houston saying that the city will save
money by using the same system for their smog
levels as they do for their barbecue sauce from
mild to smoky dokey partner.
The town of Bozeman, Montana plans to dispose
of more than three dozen Cold War sanitation
kits meant to provide makeshift toilet facilities
for fallout shelters.
This should be just enough barrels
to hold all the copies of
Keith Carey's Forever Nap now on iTunes.
Hey, buy it!
I like what I did because I slammed your mother
and the quality of Keith's work.
I tried to do an old switcheroo.
And you created nothing that would be accessible
outside to the small group of people
that listen to the show.
I suppose not.
Yeah, much like my album.
Oh!
Seriously, folks.
Self-burn. Wow. The first U.s cruise to cuba in over 50 years left
port this week well-wishers gathered at the docks to bid bon voyage to the ss just fill it with
cigars and hookers when you said cruise to cuba i'm like how is the ted cruise pun gonna work here
what a better joke germany's right-wing party alternatives for deutschland has proposed a ban on muslims
entering the country in response hollywood executives are taking meetings on rebooting
schindler's list that's the second alternative for deutschland party reference on the mean boys
podcast so far if you want to know anything about we'd like to make an official endorsement
i was about to say i think that's probably going to be our first official sponsor it's going to be
some kind of white pride for him.
Like, hey, I mean, I know Joe says he's gay, but we know he's cool.
One of the good ones.
Exactly.
May Angela Merkel get raped by a Kurdish dick.
Anyway.
Oh, my God.
What kind of weird, like, irrelevant Yiddish curse is that?
Like, may your head grow in the ground like a beet.
It's the alternative for Deutschland Party.
They hate Angela Merkel because she lets the refugees in.
Who the fuck is Angela Merkel?
She's the Chancellor of Germany.
Yeah.
Okay.
It was very, very smart, and you're a dum-dum.
Anyway.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, that was a wicked, sharp rape job.
Yeah, dude, I got a lot of great Canadian Parliament slams
if you guys would just fucking be cultured enough to get them.
Exactly.
You're unworthy of me.
Ten Afghani militants died in an
explosion resulting from their attempt to manufacture
an IED. The terrorists' last words
were, hey Mo, death to the infidels!
Shut up, yo!
Oh!
I was kind of bummed it took us 16 weeks to get a
good Three Stooges reference.
We're kind of them for a new millennium.
Oh, we're new Stooges.
Ooh, the Nuges.
The Nuges.
We dress like Ted Nugent.
The three Nuges.
By the way, I like how Keith is fat, but yet somehow he's still Larry.
Right?
I'm for sure curly.
I don't know, man. You have a very Larry vibe to me.
I'm taking a lot of shit off you people at this table,
but I will not take curly status being removed from me.
I think we can...
This is what our people aspire to.
I think Ramsey's shimp.
Yeah, that sounds good, guys.
Oh, perfect.
Yeah, definitely shimp.
Yeah, this is Ramsey here in the studio.
We're going to podcast.
I fucking love boners.
What?
We got him.
Oh, no.
All right.
Marvel's newest film, Captain America Civil War, comes out on Friday.
Fans around the world are choosing between Team Iron Man or Team Captain America,
while Donald Trump has publicly endorsed Team Whichever One Will Let Me Own Slaves Again.
Civil War.
It's a Civil War joke about slave owners.
Techno school.
Go back.
The UK will shelter a Singapore trans woman who is facing compulsory military service
as a man in her home country.
She's been awarded asylum by the government, and Rob Schneider has purchased her life rights
for $30 million.
I was really worried about where that was going to go, and I'm so happy where it did.
I'm just picturing the trailer for that is for sure.
Dude looks like a lady.
Oh, it 100% is.
The UCI Medical School has developed a method of post-mortem sperm extraction.
The discovery prompted the university to grant tenure to Professor Irving J. Cannibal Corpse.
All right.
There have been dozens of reports in the African country of Malawi of albinos being attacked and having their body parts dismembered and stolen.
Finally answering the age-old question, what's black and white and red all over?
Lord.
I cannot tell you how proud I am of that joke.
You can get on board or not.
Yeah, that was a pretty good Mexican joke off.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Hey, fellas, it's game day.
So get your jerseys on and head on down to Buffalo Wild Wings, because when it's time for the guys to go out, there's nowhere else you'd rather be.
You and your buddies Chad and Greg and Brad and Dave and Greg.
Call Greg. Take Greg's car. Greg's got room for everybody.
Be a man and get the other men together to eat meat and be men
and watch the other men hit the other other men.
Maybe Greg will get some of the tangy habanero sauce on his cheek and let you lick it off his face.
What? Nothing. Buffalo Wild Wings has 15 varieties of wings.
Mild to spicy, fruity to flaming.
Our special blends of spices and sauces are just the thing to get your tongue wet for Greg's sweet cock.
What? Nobody said anything about Greg, you liar.
Hey, are you ready for some football?
All our wings come with a choice of dipping sauce.
We got ranch. We got blue cheese.
We got all new Nacho Chipotle creamy Greg jizz.
Just slam a drumstick into a ramekin full of cum and shove it in your greedy little pig mouth.
Football, chicken, beer, tits.
You are a man and men don't love Greg.
Sorry, ladies, because on game day, Buffalo Wild Wings becomes the man cave.
Leave your wives at home.
Your wives will never understand you like Greg does.
She'll never make you laugh or cry or feel or squirt the way he can.
Kill her in her sleep.
Murder Greg's family.
Run away to Mexico together in his car with all the room.
Die in his arms. Gunned down by the police for the crime of forbidden love,
but also those murders you did.
Go sports team!
Buffalo Wild Gregs!
Fucking chicken or whatever!
Well, here we are, Ted.
Thanks for inviting me to come along to this, man.
Oh, no problem, Carl.
Civil war reenactments are my favorite thing.
I can't believe you've never been in one of these. I've been doing them since I was a kid. Thanks for coming to this, man. Oh, no problem, Carl. Civil War reenactments are my favorite thing. I can't believe you've never been
in one of these. I've been doing them since I was a kid.
Thanks for coming with me, man. Aw, damn, Ted.
These wool pants are itching my nuts. Something
fierce. Ted? Who's Ted? My name's
Corporal Clarence Beauregard of the 2nd Corps
of the Confederate Army. Ha! If you say so,
Ted. Hey, Carl, hold on a sec.
Yeah? Hey, man, this is gonna sound stupid,
but once we start this thing, you just
cannot break character at all.
You've got to stay in it completely and not break no matter what happens.
Oh, okay.
My granddad used to tell us never to break character at these things, and it just...
I don't know. These things just mean a lot to me, that's all.
Oh, no problem, Corporal Beauregard.
Hey, did you see that sign just now? It said today's Battle of Gettysburg will be non-canon.
What the heck does non-canon mean?
I don't know, Private, but let's go show those Union dogs not to set foot past Mason Dixon.
All right, men, fall in.
Forward, march!
There's the Northern Army dead ahead, boys.
Take aim and fire at will.
Stop right there, secessionists.
Boys, it's worse than we thought. Some fancy
Union sawbones attached to Abe
Lincoln's head to a robot spider body.
Aim for the red eyes,
boys. Dad, what the hell's going on?
Carl, you stay in character no matter what.
I am programmed to preserve the Union
in blood.
Oh, as I live and
breathe, I've been struck with
Lincoln Bot's laser eyes.
Call the night elf druid or I'm a goner, boys.
I'm drained of mana.
Beauregard!
Sergeant!
Take my 20-sided die.
It's your only hope.
I will emancipate your limbs from your bodies.
Take this, Lincoln Bot.
A critical hit for Fort Sumter!
A critical hit for Antietam!
No!
Hello, I'm Toby Gunderson.
I'm the Dungeon Master of the Battle of Gettysburg.
Private Beauregard's critical hit destroyed Spider Lincoln Bot,
but his soul, upon leaving his corpse,
punctured a hole into an alternate nether realm
through which a time-traveling demon Obama emerged,
hell-bent on avenging the ancestral slaves of his past.
The rift between dimensions unleashes a bolt of dark energy
which drains Private Beauregard's HP with no chance of saving Thro.
Ah!
Clarence!
I'm dying.
Please, whatever you do, never give up our cause.
Give those Yankee pigs hell, Carl.
You give them hell!
Dearest Martha, the Confederacy suffered a stunning defeat at Gettysburg
after a freed Negro president from the future emerged through a temporal rift
and fed our brave soldiers to his cacodemons.
Hope is not lost, though, dear, as we have been able to recruit 100 ogre mages from Charleston to Augusta.
And though the cause of the Confederacy seems grim,
since General Grant rolled a natural 20 and spawned 60 Zerglings,
my love for you is as pure as a savannah rose.
All right, everybody, Mean Boys is back,
and it's time to debut a new segment, a new game,
a game called Is This Domain Name Taken?
And what I've done is I've gone on godaddyguy.com,
searched some domain names.
You've got to tell me if this is available,
if you can purchase this, or if it's owned by somebody.
Okay.
A pretty straightforward game.
But, I mean, we'll see how you guys do.
Number one, Is This Domain Name Taken?
Come.biz.
Have you ever been to a.biz?
Yeah.
I think Keith got jerked off through a wall.
Wow.
Ready for.business.
I think you're better than me.
No, I like.business is a great name for like a fat rapper.
I'm going to say yes. Come.bus a fat rapper. I'm going to say yes.
Cum.biz is taken.
I'm going to say no.
Cum.biz is available.
Oh, boy.
We could buy it.
Snatch it up, yeah.
We could.
We certainly could.
We'll snatch it up is the name.
I was surprised.
I was like, I think this one's like 15 bucks.
And I'm like, for cum.biz?
That's a huge one.
Yeah.
What if you got a business selling cum?
But who looking up porn is looking up
just cum? You know what I mean?
I mean somebody. For sure somebody.
Just a blob of cum floating
in space. Oh, I'm sure there's like kiddie pool cum
fucking saving the slide. It's like the juice in
2001. Do you know how if you start typing
anything in Google, you'll see like things where it's people
who are just making commands of Google?
I can totally see someone be like, make me cum.
Like, cum. Cum now.
Number two. I agree.
Cum.dog.
Oh!
Is cum.dog
taken? I certainly
hope not. You know what?
I'm going to say no.
The world is a wretched place, so I'm going to say yes.
I want to believe no. Cum.dog
is taken. Oh my god. I didn going to say yes. I want to believe no. Come.dog is dead.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even know.dog was an option.
Oh, it is.
And come.dog is a horrible... I did not go to the website because I'm on enough lists doing research.
Come.dog backslash millionaire.
What a terrible world we live in.
Oh, yeah.
Very little good.
That's when I do these.
When I do this or when we do the porn star followers, I'm just like, these egg avatars,
there's a lot of darkness in these fucking usernames.
Oh, God, help me do the next one.
I'm not done.
Buttsupplies.com is buttsupplies.com, Jacob.
Buttsupplies.com.
Pretty simple.
Pretty simple name.
A lot of people need supplies for their butt.
This is a real silly thing, but when I saw that, my brain didn't put together that it was supplies.
So I just saw Butt Supplies, which sounds like a terrible Muppet.
I totally thought ButtPuppies.com.
No, ButtPuppies.dog.
ButtSupplies would be the name of a lovable character in an English sitcom.
ButtPupplies is just a porn tumblr with like hot
girls like puppies sitting on their asses while they sit their doggy stuff so i like what like
joe describing what he thinks heterosexual porn is it's like a girl with a dog in her butt and
you guys are just like in her butt on her butt i'm not a monster on her butt you can put him in
her butt yeah i don't want to give away the end of the game that would probably be more close to
actual dogs and butts dog dot horse uh i am gonna say i'm gonna say yes i'm gonna say no but i'd like it to be
butt supplies is available butt supplies.com snap that up people that's kind of disappointing
okay let's why the fuck are there no entrepreneurs in america i'm honestly like hey man pull yourself
up by your own bootstraps sell some butt butt supplies. As soon as we have merchandise, our store needs to be
buttsupplies.com.
Stay tuned. Forever
nap fucking coasters.
Alright, pussy.info.
This is real.
That's for sure taken.
Pussy.info is taken.
Yeah, of course. Where else are you going to get your info
about pussies? It's for like recently released
like Amish women who need information about their genitals
that they've been deprived of their whole life.
Hey, is this clitoris thing?
I thought I was broken.
I didn't know everybody had one.
I thought I was a sinner.
Everybody has a Satan button.
It's not just me.
Oh, a friend of mine, she said that no one taught her what the clitoris was.
They got her an American Girl book when she was a kid,
and it didn't have the clitoris was. They got her an American Girl book when she was a kid, and it didn't have the clitoris
in it. And so she just
was like, yeah, I just thought there was something
wrong with me. And I was like, this is the saddest thing
I've ever heard in my life. An American Girl book?
I have a weird party wart.
Party wart!
New name for Keith Carey.
Hey everybody, it's the party wart!
We're partying with the party wart down
here at 91.1.
I can drink Jägermeister out of a butt.
Did I say butt?
I meant toilet.
Toilet.
It's a joke forever nap on sale now.
Is Carnock.com taken?
It sure as fuck better not be.
I hope not.
I'm going to say yes, because I think that's why you included it.
Carnock.com is taken.
I'll have to take dog. it. Carnock.com is taken. I have to take.dog?
Carnock.dog?
Carnock.dog, or I mean.food.
Yeah, Carnock2016.com is free, though.
The correct domain is Carnock.edu!
Okay, goodbye!
For stopping by, Carnock.
Snuffingandpost.com, is that taken?
Oh, I don't think so.
I'm going to say no.
Not taken.
Oh, good.
Ariana Huffington was going to get very annoyed.
Yes, I need to have an accent and be a cunt.
That's the least amount of work you could have done.
I don't know a lot about her.
It was efficient.
It worked.
You nailed it.
How about markmolloy.com?
This is going to be so fun for the three people who actually
remember our continuity on
this show. Yeah.
markmolloy.com. He's probably some real estate agent
or some bullshit. Well, the Mark Molloy of our show would have a
.net for sure. We can agree on that.
Yeah. Yeah, it was cheaper.
.it fell off the truck.
I'm going to say yes.
.mook.
.queer. So you can remember it, off the truck. I'm going to say yes. Dot mook. Dot queer.
Yeah, it's taken.
So you can remember it, you fucking momo.
Yeah, mockmoy.queer.
All right.
Okay, goodbye.
Is this one taken?
Felch.co.uk.
Go.
Roy, you felch out of it.
Just before I answer this,
one of the first porn I saw on the internet
was somebody being felched with a crazy straw.
Oh, my.
Hey, can I just say I don't know what felching is and I was afraid to Google it.
Do you really not know?
No.
One of us gets to have a really magical moment right now.
Yeah, it's when you cum into a butt and then you eat the cum out of the butt that you came in.
Well, that doesn't sound good at all.
I mean, it's...
It depends on the mood, my dear.
Here's the thing.
Nobody is passively
into felching that's like a thing you either really don't like or are all about you know i
don't know about that keith because i've just all the times i felt it's just been kind of we've been
in the middle of it so it's like a it's like a like a uh flog raw of gain that might be the the
fanciest thing you've ever said yeah i learned that word on learned that word on the show. You guys see I'm growing.
Yeah, we taught you Flogger. We taught you Felch.
We're working through the Fs of bummers.
I'm going to say...
That's the key to the new animated Netflix series.
Fs for bummers.
Parentheses.
I should have spent more time at technical school.
I'm going to say no.
I'm going to say yes.
Felch.com is not taken.
I mean, Felch.co.uk.
People in the UK,
you don't know,
we gotta bring felching over there.
It's gonna be like when the Beatles came to America.
Over here, felching is like
a soup or something.
Maybe they call it something else.
They're like,
oh yeah, we call that wiggling.
Yeah, they call that cummywazzles.
Cummywazzles.
I'm pretty sad felch.co.uk
is not a real thing.
It's like a rainbow
has one less color in it now.
It's like,
what has the gay pride
movement been fighting for if not this?
Yeah, Harvey Milk got shot in the chest so you
could not felt each other. So you could not drink the
Harvey Milk out of each other?
Their teeth are yellow
enough as it is.
No!
Now I'm uncomfortable.
Alright.
Is fuck.discount taken?
That sounds like a Dracula diss track.
Fuck discount.
That deserved way more.
I was going to say less.
I hope you at home are howling, because that was outstanding.
I know.
Connor made a face like I just shit in his mouth, and Joe did a backflip.
So, fuck.discount.
People want to fuck.
People don't want to spend a lot.
You would think this domain would be taken, but is it?
Yeah, less bucks, more fucks.
I'm going to say no.
Keith is on fire today.
I'm going to say that right now.
I'm going to say no as well.
Well, it is pretty hot in here.
Fuck.discount, not taken.
Let's snatch it up.
And finally, we have a little bit of a whip around prices right for the last one.
How much is this domain name worth?
Ass.gift.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how much domains normally cost, so I have no frame of mind.
Anywhere from $8 to $1 million.
I'm going to say $2,000.
I'm going to say way less than that.
I'm going to say $486.
Ask.gift is worth $48,000.
Get the fuck out of here!
Shit on my ass!
Well, I win by Price is Right rules because I was close.
It's not going over.
I didn't know you win a bunch.
Here's the thing.
Whoever wants to make the ass.gift site, whatever you had in mind, just use buttsupplies.org.
That's what I'm thinking.
It's right there.
That was like 12 bucks.
It's gifts for your ass and necessities.
It's everything your ass needs.
Yeah.
You know, you've got a fucking bed, bath, and your butt.
$48,000.
This game is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
I thought it was going to bomb.
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.
It's super funny.
You could buy two new minivans
for the price of ass.gift.
If your plan was like,
number one, open ass.gift,
there's no way you already have $48,000.
You put a damn payment on a new house.
I sold ass.gift. I had to let it go. No, you don't get it. First, we got to sell the gift for the asses, dot gift there's no way you already have well you put a damn payment on a new house i sold
ass dot gift i had to let it go no you don't get it first we got to sell the gifts for the asses
and then we get the money and then we pay you you could put an entire family's children through
college for the price of ass dot gift that'll be a good college you could give them all degrees
from techno school oh mean boys will be right back. Ask gift. Ask gift. Quang.
Hail, fellows, it is I, Winthrop J. Butterman,
esteemed billionaire tycoon of American dairy.
You are no doubt familiar with the Butterman family,
which has held a monopoly on all American bovine lactated products
since my grandfather, Eustace Butterman, sailed from Bavaria in 1896.
I've returned from the Brussels Milk Council,
where representatives from the almond, coconut, and soy milk concerns
have decreed traditional dairy products as stodgy and less healthy.
Stodgy indeed!
I begin every day as I always have,
with a 20-ounce glass of heavy cream and a robust gurgling.
Sues the Constitution, I always say.
These alternative soy and almond-based products, and I do say products,
for they have the audacity to proclaim that their plant-based facsimiles
were in fact the delicious squeezings of a mammalian udder.
Fraudulent? Definitely fraudulent.
I would not dare feed my family any substance which did not emanate forthwith from the mammary of some kind,
and I do proclaim that all godly men are due the same.
Furthermore, what these inimical and spurious milks fail to note
is that a woman appreciates a man who can handle his dairy.
I successfully completed courtship of my wife, Evelyn Butterman,
after devouring 14 stone worth of sour cream.
The fecal waste of my romantic gesture remains permanently unpassable in my colon
as a symbol of love's eternal glory.
So, I submit to you, nation, to eschew these false milks
and gorge yourself on the fruit of the bosom.
As I said to my son, Alphonse
Butterman, as he ordered only
four glasses of buttermilk at the
Hartford Cotillion. Son, you're
a butterman. You'll take eight.
Lowly American
pig children, pull your
mouths free of your McDonald's feed bags and prostrate yourself at the feet of the one true lord, Carnock the Bloodfeaster!
As you all know and fear, I and my hellish armies are marching ever closer to securing the nomination for president of your putrid horse cunt of a nation!
I have feasted on the innards of the walrus prince, Chris Christie.
I have made a throne from the bones of Ben Carson.
I have lubricated my thorned cock with the tears of Jeb Bush
and used it to violate his wife, and that was her idea.
But now Ted Cruz, that whimpering satchel of pig urine,
has announced that he will be running with the sea witch Carly Fiorina as his vice
president, but their combined forces are no match for the strength of Karnak. I will unsheathe the
Infinity Blade and skewer you both, united eternally in the blood-soaked coitus of a coward's
death! However, my advisors, the blind prophets of the sulfur caves, have advised me that it is time to select my running mate.
And after scouring the Earthrealm, I have at last found a creature diabolical enough, monstrous enough, possessed of enough hate and bloodlust to serve as the right hand of Karnak.
Behold the vessel of my unholy terror and my official candidate for vice president, Tyler Dawson!
Hey, I'm Tyler.
Uh, yeah, I was on 4chan, uh, trying to figure out how to build, like, a pipe bomb, you know,
because I went on my school as a fag, and, uh, I found this weird post written in, like, sand language or something,
and then I read it out loud, and Karnak just, like, showed up and shit.
Yeah, he was wearing this, like, gnarly guar armor, and he killed my dad and fucked up my mom's spoon collection
He's fucking rad
Heed the word of Tyler, for he speaks the truth
Karnak is indeed fucking rad
And soon all shall perish from the white-hot burn of our combined radness
We have turned his now-worthless home into our campaign headquarters
His mother is my succubus, draining me of seed and
feeding me the pizza rolls of Tostino.
I have taught young Tyler the ancient spells
of my race, and he has bestowed
upon me the password to his
Bang Bros account.
I stole my dad's credit card.
Yeah, I could chew lightning
out of my hands now. Dude, I killed so many
squirrels, and I'll kill so many more.
Outstanding!
But all is not violence and mayhem.
Tyler has proposed several new laws
that please Carnock!
Yeah, when we win, it'll be illegal
for any girl in my school to not
suck my dick.
And also, the new National
Bird is gonna be this sick fucking dragon
on my shirt and our cabinet is
gonna be all the dudes from Slipknot,
plus that cool midget from Game of Thrones.
And a cool midget he is indeed!
So when the battleground of November arrives,
remember who the one true god king is,
and vote Carnock Tyler,
and together we will make America bleed again!
Slayer!
Gwong!
All right, Mean Boys is back.
Time to close out the show, as we always do with a game of Witch of the Following.
Beep!
Alright, this week, very special round as always.
Witch of the Following is not a real 2 Chainz lyric.
No, B.
Oh, no.
If you're not familiar with 2 Chainz, what Jeb Bush pictures
in his head
when he thinks
about black people?
My favorite thing
about Witch of the Following
is that it's just a window
into the three things
you enjoy,
which is just rap,
porn,
and also porn.
Rap, porn,
and fan fiction,
I guess.
Sometimes they have
porn stars
in the rap videos, guys.
If Connor's brain
was like a mist level, it would just look like a Spencer's Gifts.
What is Myst?
It's an old video game.
It's a really good reference.
Is it like a puzzle solving thing?
Yeah, it is a puzzle solving.
Oh, and then you got to click around and you just see like the fucking signed DVD from Adult Con.
Exactly.
And then like all the pile of Biggie shirts from PacSun that are slim fit for white people.
It's called tits with a Y.
Yeah, you have to flip a lever and then wait 47 years
and read 19 books and then flip it back again and you win.
Very cool.
Play this for free at cum.biz.
A, my stove deserves a shout out.
B, ball so hard like these nuts even diamond.
C, I stack my money so tall you might need a giraffe when you count this cash.
Or D, known to act a donkey on the camel toe.
God damn it.
This man has more money than you will ever have.
And more chains.
I don't know, you can connect your onion rings, maybe.
I like the idea of 2 Chainz having a cartoon sidekick giraffe.
Don't count 2 Chainz's money.
His duck ain't long enough.
I think he just smokes so much weed, he thinks he's an accountant as a giraffe.
Here's a photo of Reed C. as an excited 5-year-old.
I stack my money so tall, you might need a giraffe when you count the cash.
Well, that works for all of these.
Not to act a donkey on a camel tall.
Yeah, my stove needs a shout out.
I'm going to say C.
I'm going to say D.
That reeks of McSpadden.
The fake 2 Chainz lyric is ball so hard like these nuts even diamonds.
You fucking sneaky bitch.
It's the one that looked the most real.
I see what you mean.
You know, that's the point of the game, Keith.
That's how it works. Oh, really? You're trying to throw some shit? That's the way that looked the most real. I see what you mean. That's the point of the game, Keith. That's how it works.
Oh, really?
That's the way I designed the games.
You poked me again with a fucking joke.
You got question number two, you bitch.
Wow, I really got you riled up with that little condescending fucking poke.
Keith's barrel is full to the brim with your mom's horror jokes,
and a poke is going to fucking make it flood right over.
Yeah, that's going to be the straw that brings the ak-47 to school a i got champagne brain stop whining b her ass so big it looked
like she trying to walk backwards c i hope you get testicular cancer in the brain dickhead
or d my girl got a big purse with a purse in it. First of all, I'd like to point out that Connor McSpadden spells champagne C-H-A-M-P-A-I-G-N.
You don't know how to spell that word.
I mean, no.
Actually, contribution.
My girl got a purse with a purse in it.
That reads like one of the RuPaul's Drag Race quotes.
I'm going to say B.
Her ass so big it looked like she tried to walk backwards.
I'm going to say the same thing.
I like the childish way you read that.
Like you're sounding it out from my first reader book.
Like she tried to.
The fake one is A.
I got a champagne brain.
Stop whining.
Damn it.
Shouldn't have known it was yours
because you spelled it wrong.
Anyway.
Yep,
you're bad at the game.
Number three.
This has gotten very dark.
I'm just,
oh,
yeah,
everyone hates the part
of this podcast
where we talk shit.
Oh,
wait,
no,
that's the selling point.
It's called Mean Boys.
At some point in every podcast, we just feel the need to absolve our sins somehow.
Like, oh, this has gotten really mean.
I didn't know if I watched this superhero teen movie, they'd be doing all this avenging.
I don't care for this.
A, her pussy's so clean I can go to church in it.
B, my chain had another chain like it was pregnant.
C, she getting a womb service.
Or D. Made so much paper they done ran out of trees.
Womb?
Yeah.
Womb service?
I just garbled.
I couldn't get that out because of the butterman sketch.
Womb service.
A good sparring for you, madam.
He just paints it with a chimney sweep.
Chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy.
Put a fucking load under your pillow.
Trying to do something with a mini fridge, but I'm tired.
I'm just...
If two chains give you warmer services,
is it called turndown for what?
I fucked up the thing.
Turndown service.
That's fucking...
Turndown service for what?
Teamwork.
Well, hey, do not disturb me.
Like the signs. God damn it, do not disturb me. Like the signs.
God damn it.
I hate this show.
I'm going to say D made so much paper they ran out of trees.
I'm going to say D just to bring it to a swift end.
Hey, they can't all be.
Yay!
I'm gone.
They hastened it.
They can't all be.
Is this domain name taken, guys?
Number four, I go from VIP to VIP so much that I'm nauseous.
Oh, what a cunt.
B, chains two of them, getting brain from two of them.
He rhymed two of them with two of them.
Or did he?
C, I'm so high, addict.
I'm so high, like an addict.
D, I had a threesome for three
weeks in a row.
Three of these are real.
Is addict, is he saying
like I'm so high at this
like and that means addict the way like black people
say acts instead of ask? No, I'm so
high and then an addict is
high. He just couldn't
be bothered to think of any prepositions.
It's like that Nicki Minaj
cheating at rap thing where you just say a thing
and then say a word that you just described.
That is the whitest thing you've ever described.
These rappers don't know prepositions.
This Titty Boy fella couldn't be bothered
to use a fucking conjunctive phrase.
They're called Titty Boy?
That's his original name before he changed it to 2 Chainz.
It was Titty Boy?
T-I-T-Y-B-O-I.
That's way too close to fuck boy.
I don't know. This was like the 90s in the
Dirty South or something. I don't really know
2 Chainz's origin story.
I think he got bit by a radioactive
criminal and then
developed superpowers.
Black people really can just say anything
with enough confidence and it just
becomes cool. They're just font of fucking phrases.
We have to write butter gargling sketches and think of wacky websites that don't exist.
I mean, come on.
It's really tough.
I'm going to say we have all the dumbness of the skits on a rap album, and that would be the swag and talent of the rest of it.
Oh, yeah.
This is a rap album with no songs.
It's just all $20,000 dub sack pyramid.
I'm going to say C.
I'm so high.
Attic.
I'm going to say D.
The fake one is Chains.
Two of them getting brain from two of them.
Last question.
All real or all fake.
A. Honor student with double Ds.
B. He ain't fucking with that bull matador c i'm rich like
lionel i get head like rhino or d i'm on top like a toupee that sounds like vaudevillian
i'm on top like a toupee top of of the world. I'm the matador.
I'm going to say all fake.
I'm going to say all real.
No, two canes like the wicker canes.
Ignorant.
All right.
You were going to say something else.
I sure was.
They are all real. I feel nothing from that.
Hey, I'm really glad that this was a great show that ended poorly it
was a great show i particularly enjoyed this one yeah this was a fun one hey thanks everyone for
listening we you know we get all the tweets and stuff and the emails and it's uh it means a lot
i think we all we all you know we all takes and it's not happiness we're incapable of that but
something like that from them you know yeah no yeah so thanks for listening
um
you guys have anything
to plug
uh
this weekend
I'm at uh
Laughs Unlimited
on Thursday
Western Oregon
University Friday
and then uh
next week I'm at
the South Point of Vegas
on Friday
after that
I'm at the Madhouse
Comic Club
down in San Diego
all weekend
uh
after that I'm at the
the 27th to 28th
3rd Street Live
in Temecula
I'll be featuring there
um
doing headlining the Warner Theater in Fresno on June 3rd.
And, yeah, that's all the shows people could conceivably see.
So feel free to ignore those.
May 6th, as we've talked about a couple times,
Forever Nap, my album, comes out on iTunes.
It's Friday.
Thursday, May 5th, come see the Mean Boys.
Ooh, yes.
KPU, their first ever sketch at the Sketch Melt show,
at the Nerd Melt showroom in Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard.
Yes, it's in the can.
It's done.
Yeah, it's done.
It's chopped.
It's real good.
We're very excited.
Please share it.
Way to think of the team first, Keith,
instead of just selfishly naming all your own dates.
Yeah, I named my album first.
That's true.
Do what you can.
Well, you did it second.
That's close enough.
Also, this Wednesday, or no, what is it?
Oh, yeah, we're doing a show Wednesday, right?
Yeah, next Wednesday, me and Connor will be at downtown Santa Ana Underground in Santa
Ana.
Yeah, it's this Wednesday.
What?
Maybe.
I don't know when this goes up.
Oh, it goes up tomorrow.
Oh, then it would be next Wednesday.
Or, no, it is this Wednesday.
Keith, you don't know how to fucking.
Cool.
Fuck it.
We're opening for Dean Del Rey, and it's going to be a good show.
And then...
Oh, May 6th is also my album release party at the Murder Room in Los Angeles, so please
check that out on Facebook if you want to come.
It's very cool.
This Friday, the 6th, I'm going to be at the Comedy Store Original Room.
Please go to that instead of Keith Carey's release party.
I agree.
Yeah.
Joe canceled on my show to go to his fancy schmancy comedy show.
I sure did.
I'm going to be at Chatterbox and Covina
on the 15th,
and I will be roast battling Earl Skakel,
the resident house hater.
Fuck!
It will be 24th of May,
and boy, am I really...
I'm excited as a faggot with a new dress
to do this, you guys.
It's going to be a good time.
I'm literally going to kill...
This is not going to be the show,
but I'm going to kill everyone else
who could be a hater
so I can be at the table for that.
Outstanding.
Outstanding.
Well, hey, that's the show.
Reviewed on iTunes.
Follow us and shit.
Subscribe.
Tell your mom.
Yeah, tell your mom.
I want people's moms to listen to this show.
Our moms like it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My mom still has not listened.
I mean, you could maybe like...
You know how you give a dog pills
by like putting it in a piece of cheese? Yeah. Is there any way you could be like... What how you give a dog pills by like putting it in a
piece of cheese yeah is there any way you could be like what wrap the podcast in a fistful of pills
because that you might take it at that point yeah like the reverse thing because there is their way
to inject a podcast into someone the the energy feels ugly right now no you take you take like
the headphone input jack and you just stick that in her vein.
Fuck everything.
God is dead.
Good night, everybody.