Mean Boys - EP 17 - Techno School

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Is This Domain Name Taken”, “Carnok”, “Butterman”, “Non Canon Civil War” ...and a game of “Which of the Following” with 2 Chainz lyrics. Our sponsor is “Buffalo Wild Wings”. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Watch the new episode of Burn Booth with Connor and Keith (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1ehmxmuE9w) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 All right, everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Joe Doss. And I'm... A hefty bag full of cupcake stumps. Oh, yay! The worst part of the cupcake. He bit off the frosting
Starting point is 00:00:25 parts, you see. That's where the nutrients are, Joe. You can't have a mouthful of food that doesn't have frosting on it. It's inefficient eating. Yeah, you need something to lubricate it down your fucking sugar cave you call a throat. A-B-F. Always be frosting.
Starting point is 00:00:42 A-Always-Be-B-F Frosting. Is that from Glen Gary Glen Frost? By the way, I want to say... Pastries are for closers. I can't even be insulted by this because not an hour ago, outside of the open mic that I was at, I ate a piece of a brownie that a stranger left behind. It was to prove a point to some shit-dick open micers that I'm a real man. But the point is I am strictly friendly.
Starting point is 00:01:05 Oh, you sure showed them. I did. Did you mean to say to prove that you're a real raccoon? You sure showed them your limited life expectancy. I already regret every choice I've made that's led to this point. I would say you scurried up a telephone pole if there was one that could support you. That's what Keith is, Connor. He's a fucking just an obese raccoon that, like, someone's daughter is feeding after their dad told them not to.
Starting point is 00:01:27 And now he just can't go back to the wild. I'm under your porch. He got into the dog's wet food and now he won't leave. They call me Rascal. It's the name of the scooter I'm going to be riding in. If there's a raccoon like just transient in your life and you're not calling it Rascal, you're straight up fucked up. I hope it gives your children rabies. You know, I tell you what, we have a lot of fun on the Mean Boys
Starting point is 00:01:47 podcast, but it's important to remember that Keith is very fat. I thought it was going to vaccination direction. Always vaccinate your fat kids. Hey, everybody, it's time for the Mexican Joke Off! Hi, so topical. Alright, I have had
Starting point is 00:02:03 enough of this slamming. I'd like to get us started on some good, clean joke writing. A new study that shows... Fuck. You see how toxic the fucking productivity was to my output? You're like a sprinter who shot himself with a starter pistol. All right. shot himself with a starter pistol. Alright. A new study shows that teens that attend
Starting point is 00:02:28 technical school... Welcome to techno school! That's where the guys from Daft Punk went. It's over in France. Though I mastered the mollyfingering. Oh my god, I got my old mollyfingering final later. I didn't even loop. I didn'tlly fingering. Oh, my God. I got my old molly fingering final later. I didn't even loop. I didn't even douche.
Starting point is 00:02:49 Didn't even butt study. Butt study. All right. Let me. No one's not going to do horrible. Oh, I don't know about that. I believe in it. All right.
Starting point is 00:03:00 Oh, fuck. It's not Satan, Joe. I don't believe you. I've never seen eyes do that before. That was the most frightening thing I've ever seen. God help you, Connor. Tell your joke. A new study shows that teens that attend technical school graduate with jobs and no
Starting point is 00:03:15 debt. A spokesperson for Keith's Mother's Academy for Got Her Come Drug Slut says enrollment is through the cardboard roof. This was not past months they're at techno school. The Pentagon declared that a drone strike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital
Starting point is 00:03:31 was not a war crime because it was not intentional. The general further remarked that the Hague Convention clearly allows for take-backsies. The Sports Authority announced it will be closing all of its stores nationwide.
Starting point is 00:03:44 Experts are calling this a resounding victory in America's war on movement. You're the fucking Patton in that army. We'll fight them from the recliners, from the mattresses. We'll fight them from the Arby's, from the Wendy's. I shall stay here. On this diabetes stump I stand. Oh my god, it's the Iwo Jima thing, but they're just like trying to open a bag of chips together.
Starting point is 00:04:15 They're picking up a turkey leg. I just want to note how many fucking treaties and old-timey documents Joe knows offhand. You know, I'm like... Hey, I learned a lot at tech school. The Treaty of Potsdam. Potsdam. Parents will now be able to monitor their underage children's Tinder accounts.
Starting point is 00:04:36 A developer for the app compared it to parents checking Halloween candy for razor blades than keeping the sweetest young tang for themselves. Saucy. Irish pagans will be allowed temporary release from jail on February 1st to celebrate the Festival of the Lactating Sheep, or as Conor McSpadden calls it, Mother's Day. Hi, Mom. Tribal leaders are petitioning Obama to preserve 1.7 million acres of land
Starting point is 00:05:02 at the base of the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is the second largest pit in America, falling just inches short of Joe Dosh's anus. Got a big butthole, dog. Yo, man, that shit's straight cavernous, dog. Yo, it's gay cavernous, dog. I mean, it started off as just a single little stream, but then eons have come, eroded it into the fucking stink trench that it is today.
Starting point is 00:05:25 Yeah, you pay 20 bucks to ride a donkey all the way to his prostate. Didn't Evel Knievel try to jump over your asshole? You sure you weren't available, so he had to jump over some lesser asshole? Oh, he did, but he got injured in a stunt the day before, and they had to book Truckasaurus. Truckasaurus! Truckasaurus! Followed by Molly Hatchet and Joe's Prostates.
Starting point is 00:05:45 A Texas court has blocked a proposed clean air law in Houston saying that the city will save money by using the same system for their smog levels as they do for their barbecue sauce from mild to smoky dokey partner. The town of Bozeman, Montana plans to dispose of more than three dozen Cold War sanitation kits meant to provide makeshift toilet facilities
Starting point is 00:06:04 for fallout shelters. This should be just enough barrels to hold all the copies of Keith Carey's Forever Nap now on iTunes. Hey, buy it! I like what I did because I slammed your mother and the quality of Keith's work. I tried to do an old switcheroo.
Starting point is 00:06:15 And you created nothing that would be accessible outside to the small group of people that listen to the show. I suppose not. Yeah, much like my album. Oh! Seriously, folks. Self-burn. Wow. The first U.s cruise to cuba in over 50 years left
Starting point is 00:06:28 port this week well-wishers gathered at the docks to bid bon voyage to the ss just fill it with cigars and hookers when you said cruise to cuba i'm like how is the ted cruise pun gonna work here what a better joke germany's right-wing party alternatives for deutschland has proposed a ban on muslims entering the country in response hollywood executives are taking meetings on rebooting schindler's list that's the second alternative for deutschland party reference on the mean boys podcast so far if you want to know anything about we'd like to make an official endorsement i was about to say i think that's probably going to be our first official sponsor it's going to be some kind of white pride for him.
Starting point is 00:07:06 Like, hey, I mean, I know Joe says he's gay, but we know he's cool. One of the good ones. Exactly. May Angela Merkel get raped by a Kurdish dick. Anyway. Oh, my God. What kind of weird, like, irrelevant Yiddish curse is that? Like, may your head grow in the ground like a beet.
Starting point is 00:07:23 It's the alternative for Deutschland Party. They hate Angela Merkel because she lets the refugees in. Who the fuck is Angela Merkel? She's the Chancellor of Germany. Yeah. Okay. It was very, very smart, and you're a dum-dum. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:07:34 Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that was a wicked, sharp rape job. Yeah, dude, I got a lot of great Canadian Parliament slams if you guys would just fucking be cultured enough to get them. Exactly. You're unworthy of me. Ten Afghani militants died in an explosion resulting from their attempt to manufacture
Starting point is 00:07:50 an IED. The terrorists' last words were, hey Mo, death to the infidels! Shut up, yo! Oh! I was kind of bummed it took us 16 weeks to get a good Three Stooges reference. We're kind of them for a new millennium. Oh, we're new Stooges.
Starting point is 00:08:06 Ooh, the Nuges. The Nuges. We dress like Ted Nugent. The three Nuges. By the way, I like how Keith is fat, but yet somehow he's still Larry. Right? I'm for sure curly. I don't know, man. You have a very Larry vibe to me.
Starting point is 00:08:21 I'm taking a lot of shit off you people at this table, but I will not take curly status being removed from me. I think we can... This is what our people aspire to. I think Ramsey's shimp. Yeah, that sounds good, guys. Oh, perfect. Yeah, definitely shimp.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Yeah, this is Ramsey here in the studio. We're going to podcast. I fucking love boners. What? We got him. Oh, no. All right. Marvel's newest film, Captain America Civil War, comes out on Friday.
Starting point is 00:08:49 Fans around the world are choosing between Team Iron Man or Team Captain America, while Donald Trump has publicly endorsed Team Whichever One Will Let Me Own Slaves Again. Civil War. It's a Civil War joke about slave owners. Techno school. Go back. The UK will shelter a Singapore trans woman who is facing compulsory military service as a man in her home country.
Starting point is 00:09:10 She's been awarded asylum by the government, and Rob Schneider has purchased her life rights for $30 million. I was really worried about where that was going to go, and I'm so happy where it did. I'm just picturing the trailer for that is for sure. Dude looks like a lady. Oh, it 100% is. The UCI Medical School has developed a method of post-mortem sperm extraction. The discovery prompted the university to grant tenure to Professor Irving J. Cannibal Corpse.
Starting point is 00:09:37 All right. There have been dozens of reports in the African country of Malawi of albinos being attacked and having their body parts dismembered and stolen. Finally answering the age-old question, what's black and white and red all over? Lord. I cannot tell you how proud I am of that joke. You can get on board or not. Yeah, that was a pretty good Mexican joke off. Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Hey, fellas, it's game day. So get your jerseys on and head on down to Buffalo Wild Wings, because when it's time for the guys to go out, there's nowhere else you'd rather be. You and your buddies Chad and Greg and Brad and Dave and Greg. Call Greg. Take Greg's car. Greg's got room for everybody. Be a man and get the other men together to eat meat and be men and watch the other men hit the other other men. Maybe Greg will get some of the tangy habanero sauce on his cheek and let you lick it off his face. What? Nothing. Buffalo Wild Wings has 15 varieties of wings.
Starting point is 00:10:26 Mild to spicy, fruity to flaming. Our special blends of spices and sauces are just the thing to get your tongue wet for Greg's sweet cock. What? Nobody said anything about Greg, you liar. Hey, are you ready for some football? All our wings come with a choice of dipping sauce. We got ranch. We got blue cheese. We got all new Nacho Chipotle creamy Greg jizz. Just slam a drumstick into a ramekin full of cum and shove it in your greedy little pig mouth.
Starting point is 00:10:45 Football, chicken, beer, tits. You are a man and men don't love Greg. Sorry, ladies, because on game day, Buffalo Wild Wings becomes the man cave. Leave your wives at home. Your wives will never understand you like Greg does. She'll never make you laugh or cry or feel or squirt the way he can. Kill her in her sleep. Murder Greg's family.
Starting point is 00:11:02 Run away to Mexico together in his car with all the room. Die in his arms. Gunned down by the police for the crime of forbidden love, but also those murders you did. Go sports team! Buffalo Wild Gregs! Fucking chicken or whatever! Well, here we are, Ted. Thanks for inviting me to come along to this, man.
Starting point is 00:11:21 Oh, no problem, Carl. Civil war reenactments are my favorite thing. I can't believe you've never been in one of these. I've been doing them since I was a kid. Thanks for coming to this, man. Oh, no problem, Carl. Civil War reenactments are my favorite thing. I can't believe you've never been in one of these. I've been doing them since I was a kid. Thanks for coming with me, man. Aw, damn, Ted. These wool pants are itching my nuts. Something fierce. Ted? Who's Ted? My name's Corporal Clarence Beauregard of the 2nd Corps
Starting point is 00:11:36 of the Confederate Army. Ha! If you say so, Ted. Hey, Carl, hold on a sec. Yeah? Hey, man, this is gonna sound stupid, but once we start this thing, you just cannot break character at all. You've got to stay in it completely and not break no matter what happens. Oh, okay. My granddad used to tell us never to break character at these things, and it just...
Starting point is 00:11:54 I don't know. These things just mean a lot to me, that's all. Oh, no problem, Corporal Beauregard. Hey, did you see that sign just now? It said today's Battle of Gettysburg will be non-canon. What the heck does non-canon mean? I don't know, Private, but let's go show those Union dogs not to set foot past Mason Dixon. All right, men, fall in. Forward, march! There's the Northern Army dead ahead, boys.
Starting point is 00:12:19 Take aim and fire at will. Stop right there, secessionists. Boys, it's worse than we thought. Some fancy Union sawbones attached to Abe Lincoln's head to a robot spider body. Aim for the red eyes, boys. Dad, what the hell's going on? Carl, you stay in character no matter what.
Starting point is 00:12:36 I am programmed to preserve the Union in blood. Oh, as I live and breathe, I've been struck with Lincoln Bot's laser eyes. Call the night elf druid or I'm a goner, boys. I'm drained of mana. Beauregard!
Starting point is 00:12:52 Sergeant! Take my 20-sided die. It's your only hope. I will emancipate your limbs from your bodies. Take this, Lincoln Bot. A critical hit for Fort Sumter! A critical hit for Antietam! No!
Starting point is 00:13:10 Hello, I'm Toby Gunderson. I'm the Dungeon Master of the Battle of Gettysburg. Private Beauregard's critical hit destroyed Spider Lincoln Bot, but his soul, upon leaving his corpse, punctured a hole into an alternate nether realm through which a time-traveling demon Obama emerged, hell-bent on avenging the ancestral slaves of his past. The rift between dimensions unleashes a bolt of dark energy
Starting point is 00:13:31 which drains Private Beauregard's HP with no chance of saving Thro. Ah! Clarence! I'm dying. Please, whatever you do, never give up our cause. Give those Yankee pigs hell, Carl. You give them hell! Dearest Martha, the Confederacy suffered a stunning defeat at Gettysburg
Starting point is 00:13:55 after a freed Negro president from the future emerged through a temporal rift and fed our brave soldiers to his cacodemons. Hope is not lost, though, dear, as we have been able to recruit 100 ogre mages from Charleston to Augusta. And though the cause of the Confederacy seems grim, since General Grant rolled a natural 20 and spawned 60 Zerglings, my love for you is as pure as a savannah rose. All right, everybody, Mean Boys is back, and it's time to debut a new segment, a new game,
Starting point is 00:14:24 a game called Is This Domain Name Taken? And what I've done is I've gone on godaddyguy.com, searched some domain names. You've got to tell me if this is available, if you can purchase this, or if it's owned by somebody. Okay. A pretty straightforward game. But, I mean, we'll see how you guys do.
Starting point is 00:14:41 Number one, Is This Domain Name Taken? Come.biz. Have you ever been to a.biz? Yeah. I think Keith got jerked off through a wall. Wow. Ready for.business. I think you're better than me.
Starting point is 00:15:02 No, I like.business is a great name for like a fat rapper. I'm going to say yes. Come.bus a fat rapper. I'm going to say yes. Cum.biz is taken. I'm going to say no. Cum.biz is available. Oh, boy. We could buy it. Snatch it up, yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:14 We could. We certainly could. We'll snatch it up is the name. I was surprised. I was like, I think this one's like 15 bucks. And I'm like, for cum.biz? That's a huge one. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:23 What if you got a business selling cum? But who looking up porn is looking up just cum? You know what I mean? I mean somebody. For sure somebody. Just a blob of cum floating in space. Oh, I'm sure there's like kiddie pool cum fucking saving the slide. It's like the juice in 2001. Do you know how if you start typing
Starting point is 00:15:40 anything in Google, you'll see like things where it's people who are just making commands of Google? I can totally see someone be like, make me cum. Like, cum. Cum now. Number two. I agree. Cum.dog. Oh! Is cum.dog
Starting point is 00:15:54 taken? I certainly hope not. You know what? I'm going to say no. The world is a wretched place, so I'm going to say yes. I want to believe no. Cum.dog is taken. Oh my god. I didn going to say yes. I want to believe no. Come.dog is dead. Oh, my God. I didn't even know.dog was an option.
Starting point is 00:16:08 Oh, it is. And come.dog is a horrible... I did not go to the website because I'm on enough lists doing research. Come.dog backslash millionaire. What a terrible world we live in. Oh, yeah. Very little good. That's when I do these. When I do this or when we do the porn star followers, I'm just like, these egg avatars,
Starting point is 00:16:27 there's a lot of darkness in these fucking usernames. Oh, God, help me do the next one. I'm not done. Buttsupplies.com is buttsupplies.com, Jacob. Buttsupplies.com. Pretty simple. Pretty simple name. A lot of people need supplies for their butt.
Starting point is 00:16:42 This is a real silly thing, but when I saw that, my brain didn't put together that it was supplies. So I just saw Butt Supplies, which sounds like a terrible Muppet. I totally thought ButtPuppies.com. No, ButtPuppies.dog. ButtSupplies would be the name of a lovable character in an English sitcom. ButtPupplies is just a porn tumblr with like hot girls like puppies sitting on their asses while they sit their doggy stuff so i like what like joe describing what he thinks heterosexual porn is it's like a girl with a dog in her butt and
Starting point is 00:17:14 you guys are just like in her butt on her butt i'm not a monster on her butt you can put him in her butt yeah i don't want to give away the end of the game that would probably be more close to actual dogs and butts dog dot horse uh i am gonna say i'm gonna say yes i'm gonna say no but i'd like it to be butt supplies is available butt supplies.com snap that up people that's kind of disappointing okay let's why the fuck are there no entrepreneurs in america i'm honestly like hey man pull yourself up by your own bootstraps sell some butt butt supplies. As soon as we have merchandise, our store needs to be buttsupplies.com. Stay tuned. Forever
Starting point is 00:17:49 nap fucking coasters. Alright, pussy.info. This is real. That's for sure taken. Pussy.info is taken. Yeah, of course. Where else are you going to get your info about pussies? It's for like recently released like Amish women who need information about their genitals
Starting point is 00:18:06 that they've been deprived of their whole life. Hey, is this clitoris thing? I thought I was broken. I didn't know everybody had one. I thought I was a sinner. Everybody has a Satan button. It's not just me. Oh, a friend of mine, she said that no one taught her what the clitoris was.
Starting point is 00:18:21 They got her an American Girl book when she was a kid, and it didn't have the clitoris was. They got her an American Girl book when she was a kid, and it didn't have the clitoris in it. And so she just was like, yeah, I just thought there was something wrong with me. And I was like, this is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. An American Girl book? I have a weird party wart. Party wart!
Starting point is 00:18:38 New name for Keith Carey. Hey everybody, it's the party wart! We're partying with the party wart down here at 91.1. I can drink Jägermeister out of a butt. Did I say butt? I meant toilet. Toilet.
Starting point is 00:18:53 It's a joke forever nap on sale now. Is Carnock.com taken? It sure as fuck better not be. I hope not. I'm going to say yes, because I think that's why you included it. Carnock.com is taken. I'll have to take dog. it. Carnock.com is taken. I have to take.dog? Carnock.dog?
Starting point is 00:19:08 Carnock.dog, or I mean.food. Yeah, Carnock2016.com is free, though. The correct domain is Carnock.edu! Okay, goodbye! For stopping by, Carnock. Snuffingandpost.com, is that taken? Oh, I don't think so. I'm going to say no.
Starting point is 00:19:31 Not taken. Oh, good. Ariana Huffington was going to get very annoyed. Yes, I need to have an accent and be a cunt. That's the least amount of work you could have done. I don't know a lot about her. It was efficient. It worked.
Starting point is 00:19:44 You nailed it. How about markmolloy.com? This is going to be so fun for the three people who actually remember our continuity on this show. Yeah. markmolloy.com. He's probably some real estate agent or some bullshit. Well, the Mark Molloy of our show would have a .net for sure. We can agree on that.
Starting point is 00:19:58 Yeah. Yeah, it was cheaper. .it fell off the truck. I'm going to say yes. .mook. .queer. So you can remember it, off the truck. I'm going to say yes. Dot mook. Dot queer. Yeah, it's taken. So you can remember it, you fucking momo. Yeah, mockmoy.queer.
Starting point is 00:20:10 All right. Okay, goodbye. Is this one taken? Felch.co.uk. Go. Roy, you felch out of it. Just before I answer this, one of the first porn I saw on the internet
Starting point is 00:20:23 was somebody being felched with a crazy straw. Oh, my. Hey, can I just say I don't know what felching is and I was afraid to Google it. Do you really not know? No. One of us gets to have a really magical moment right now. Yeah, it's when you cum into a butt and then you eat the cum out of the butt that you came in. Well, that doesn't sound good at all.
Starting point is 00:20:41 I mean, it's... It depends on the mood, my dear. Here's the thing. Nobody is passively into felching that's like a thing you either really don't like or are all about you know i don't know about that keith because i've just all the times i felt it's just been kind of we've been in the middle of it so it's like a it's like a like a uh flog raw of gain that might be the the fanciest thing you've ever said yeah i learned that word on learned that word on the show. You guys see I'm growing.
Starting point is 00:21:05 Yeah, we taught you Flogger. We taught you Felch. We're working through the Fs of bummers. I'm going to say... That's the key to the new animated Netflix series. Fs for bummers. Parentheses. I should have spent more time at technical school. I'm going to say no.
Starting point is 00:21:17 I'm going to say yes. Felch.com is not taken. I mean, Felch.co.uk. People in the UK, you don't know, we gotta bring felching over there. It's gonna be like when the Beatles came to America. Over here, felching is like
Starting point is 00:21:30 a soup or something. Maybe they call it something else. They're like, oh yeah, we call that wiggling. Yeah, they call that cummywazzles. Cummywazzles. I'm pretty sad felch.co.uk is not a real thing.
Starting point is 00:21:41 It's like a rainbow has one less color in it now. It's like, what has the gay pride movement been fighting for if not this? Yeah, Harvey Milk got shot in the chest so you could not felt each other. So you could not drink the Harvey Milk out of each other?
Starting point is 00:21:56 Their teeth are yellow enough as it is. No! Now I'm uncomfortable. Alright. Is fuck.discount taken? That sounds like a Dracula diss track. Fuck discount.
Starting point is 00:22:17 That deserved way more. I was going to say less. I hope you at home are howling, because that was outstanding. I know. Connor made a face like I just shit in his mouth, and Joe did a backflip. So, fuck.discount. People want to fuck. People don't want to spend a lot.
Starting point is 00:22:33 You would think this domain would be taken, but is it? Yeah, less bucks, more fucks. I'm going to say no. Keith is on fire today. I'm going to say that right now. I'm going to say no as well. Well, it is pretty hot in here. Fuck.discount, not taken.
Starting point is 00:22:47 Let's snatch it up. And finally, we have a little bit of a whip around prices right for the last one. How much is this domain name worth? Ass.gift. Oh, my God. I don't know how much domains normally cost, so I have no frame of mind. Anywhere from $8 to $1 million. I'm going to say $2,000.
Starting point is 00:23:08 I'm going to say way less than that. I'm going to say $486. Ask.gift is worth $48,000. Get the fuck out of here! Shit on my ass! Well, I win by Price is Right rules because I was close. It's not going over. I didn't know you win a bunch.
Starting point is 00:23:25 Here's the thing. Whoever wants to make the ass.gift site, whatever you had in mind, just use buttsupplies.org. That's what I'm thinking. It's right there. That was like 12 bucks. It's gifts for your ass and necessities. It's everything your ass needs. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:38 You know, you've got a fucking bed, bath, and your butt. $48,000. This game is the greatest thing that's ever happened. I thought it was going to bomb. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. It's super funny. You could buy two new minivans for the price of ass.gift.
Starting point is 00:23:56 If your plan was like, number one, open ass.gift, there's no way you already have $48,000. You put a damn payment on a new house. I sold ass.gift. I had to let it go. No, you don't get it. First, we got to sell the gift for the asses, dot gift there's no way you already have well you put a damn payment on a new house i sold ass dot gift i had to let it go no you don't get it first we got to sell the gifts for the asses and then we get the money and then we pay you you could put an entire family's children through college for the price of ass dot gift that'll be a good college you could give them all degrees
Starting point is 00:24:19 from techno school oh mean boys will be right back. Ask gift. Ask gift. Quang. Hail, fellows, it is I, Winthrop J. Butterman, esteemed billionaire tycoon of American dairy. You are no doubt familiar with the Butterman family, which has held a monopoly on all American bovine lactated products since my grandfather, Eustace Butterman, sailed from Bavaria in 1896. I've returned from the Brussels Milk Council, where representatives from the almond, coconut, and soy milk concerns
Starting point is 00:24:53 have decreed traditional dairy products as stodgy and less healthy. Stodgy indeed! I begin every day as I always have, with a 20-ounce glass of heavy cream and a robust gurgling. Sues the Constitution, I always say. These alternative soy and almond-based products, and I do say products, for they have the audacity to proclaim that their plant-based facsimiles were in fact the delicious squeezings of a mammalian udder.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Fraudulent? Definitely fraudulent. I would not dare feed my family any substance which did not emanate forthwith from the mammary of some kind, and I do proclaim that all godly men are due the same. Furthermore, what these inimical and spurious milks fail to note is that a woman appreciates a man who can handle his dairy. I successfully completed courtship of my wife, Evelyn Butterman, after devouring 14 stone worth of sour cream. The fecal waste of my romantic gesture remains permanently unpassable in my colon
Starting point is 00:25:54 as a symbol of love's eternal glory. So, I submit to you, nation, to eschew these false milks and gorge yourself on the fruit of the bosom. As I said to my son, Alphonse Butterman, as he ordered only four glasses of buttermilk at the Hartford Cotillion. Son, you're a butterman. You'll take eight.
Starting point is 00:26:20 Lowly American pig children, pull your mouths free of your McDonald's feed bags and prostrate yourself at the feet of the one true lord, Carnock the Bloodfeaster! As you all know and fear, I and my hellish armies are marching ever closer to securing the nomination for president of your putrid horse cunt of a nation! I have feasted on the innards of the walrus prince, Chris Christie. I have made a throne from the bones of Ben Carson. I have lubricated my thorned cock with the tears of Jeb Bush and used it to violate his wife, and that was her idea.
Starting point is 00:26:57 But now Ted Cruz, that whimpering satchel of pig urine, has announced that he will be running with the sea witch Carly Fiorina as his vice president, but their combined forces are no match for the strength of Karnak. I will unsheathe the Infinity Blade and skewer you both, united eternally in the blood-soaked coitus of a coward's death! However, my advisors, the blind prophets of the sulfur caves, have advised me that it is time to select my running mate. And after scouring the Earthrealm, I have at last found a creature diabolical enough, monstrous enough, possessed of enough hate and bloodlust to serve as the right hand of Karnak. Behold the vessel of my unholy terror and my official candidate for vice president, Tyler Dawson! Hey, I'm Tyler.
Starting point is 00:27:47 Uh, yeah, I was on 4chan, uh, trying to figure out how to build, like, a pipe bomb, you know, because I went on my school as a fag, and, uh, I found this weird post written in, like, sand language or something, and then I read it out loud, and Karnak just, like, showed up and shit. Yeah, he was wearing this, like, gnarly guar armor, and he killed my dad and fucked up my mom's spoon collection He's fucking rad Heed the word of Tyler, for he speaks the truth Karnak is indeed fucking rad And soon all shall perish from the white-hot burn of our combined radness
Starting point is 00:28:18 We have turned his now-worthless home into our campaign headquarters His mother is my succubus, draining me of seed and feeding me the pizza rolls of Tostino. I have taught young Tyler the ancient spells of my race, and he has bestowed upon me the password to his Bang Bros account. I stole my dad's credit card.
Starting point is 00:28:38 Yeah, I could chew lightning out of my hands now. Dude, I killed so many squirrels, and I'll kill so many more. Outstanding! But all is not violence and mayhem. Tyler has proposed several new laws that please Carnock! Yeah, when we win, it'll be illegal
Starting point is 00:28:54 for any girl in my school to not suck my dick. And also, the new National Bird is gonna be this sick fucking dragon on my shirt and our cabinet is gonna be all the dudes from Slipknot, plus that cool midget from Game of Thrones. And a cool midget he is indeed!
Starting point is 00:29:10 So when the battleground of November arrives, remember who the one true god king is, and vote Carnock Tyler, and together we will make America bleed again! Slayer! Gwong! All right, Mean Boys is back. Time to close out the show, as we always do with a game of Witch of the Following.
Starting point is 00:29:27 Beep! Alright, this week, very special round as always. Witch of the Following is not a real 2 Chainz lyric. No, B. Oh, no. If you're not familiar with 2 Chainz, what Jeb Bush pictures in his head when he thinks
Starting point is 00:29:47 about black people? My favorite thing about Witch of the Following is that it's just a window into the three things you enjoy, which is just rap, porn,
Starting point is 00:29:58 and also porn. Rap, porn, and fan fiction, I guess. Sometimes they have porn stars in the rap videos, guys. If Connor's brain
Starting point is 00:30:04 was like a mist level, it would just look like a Spencer's Gifts. What is Myst? It's an old video game. It's a really good reference. Is it like a puzzle solving thing? Yeah, it is a puzzle solving. Oh, and then you got to click around and you just see like the fucking signed DVD from Adult Con. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:30:20 And then like all the pile of Biggie shirts from PacSun that are slim fit for white people. It's called tits with a Y. Yeah, you have to flip a lever and then wait 47 years and read 19 books and then flip it back again and you win. Very cool. Play this for free at cum.biz. A, my stove deserves a shout out. B, ball so hard like these nuts even diamond.
Starting point is 00:30:46 C, I stack my money so tall you might need a giraffe when you count this cash. Or D, known to act a donkey on the camel toe. God damn it. This man has more money than you will ever have. And more chains. I don't know, you can connect your onion rings, maybe. I like the idea of 2 Chainz having a cartoon sidekick giraffe. Don't count 2 Chainz's money.
Starting point is 00:31:11 His duck ain't long enough. I think he just smokes so much weed, he thinks he's an accountant as a giraffe. Here's a photo of Reed C. as an excited 5-year-old. I stack my money so tall, you might need a giraffe when you count the cash. Well, that works for all of these. Not to act a donkey on a camel tall. Yeah, my stove needs a shout out. I'm going to say C.
Starting point is 00:31:32 I'm going to say D. That reeks of McSpadden. The fake 2 Chainz lyric is ball so hard like these nuts even diamonds. You fucking sneaky bitch. It's the one that looked the most real. I see what you mean. You know, that's the point of the game, Keith. That's how it works. Oh, really? You're trying to throw some shit? That's the way that looked the most real. I see what you mean. That's the point of the game, Keith. That's how it works.
Starting point is 00:31:46 Oh, really? That's the way I designed the games. You poked me again with a fucking joke. You got question number two, you bitch. Wow, I really got you riled up with that little condescending fucking poke. Keith's barrel is full to the brim with your mom's horror jokes, and a poke is going to fucking make it flood right over. Yeah, that's going to be the straw that brings the ak-47 to school a i got champagne brain stop whining b her ass so big it looked
Starting point is 00:32:13 like she trying to walk backwards c i hope you get testicular cancer in the brain dickhead or d my girl got a big purse with a purse in it. First of all, I'd like to point out that Connor McSpadden spells champagne C-H-A-M-P-A-I-G-N. You don't know how to spell that word. I mean, no. Actually, contribution. My girl got a purse with a purse in it. That reads like one of the RuPaul's Drag Race quotes. I'm going to say B.
Starting point is 00:32:50 Her ass so big it looked like she tried to walk backwards. I'm going to say the same thing. I like the childish way you read that. Like you're sounding it out from my first reader book. Like she tried to. The fake one is A. I got a champagne brain. Stop whining.
Starting point is 00:33:06 Damn it. Shouldn't have known it was yours because you spelled it wrong. Anyway. Yep, you're bad at the game. Number three. This has gotten very dark.
Starting point is 00:33:16 I'm just, oh, yeah, everyone hates the part of this podcast where we talk shit. Oh, wait,
Starting point is 00:33:20 no, that's the selling point. It's called Mean Boys. At some point in every podcast, we just feel the need to absolve our sins somehow. Like, oh, this has gotten really mean. I didn't know if I watched this superhero teen movie, they'd be doing all this avenging. I don't care for this. A, her pussy's so clean I can go to church in it.
Starting point is 00:33:40 B, my chain had another chain like it was pregnant. C, she getting a womb service. Or D. Made so much paper they done ran out of trees. Womb? Yeah. Womb service? I just garbled. I couldn't get that out because of the butterman sketch.
Starting point is 00:33:56 Womb service. A good sparring for you, madam. He just paints it with a chimney sweep. Chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy. Put a fucking load under your pillow. Trying to do something with a mini fridge, but I'm tired. I'm just... If two chains give you warmer services,
Starting point is 00:34:12 is it called turndown for what? I fucked up the thing. Turndown service. That's fucking... Turndown service for what? Teamwork. Well, hey, do not disturb me. Like the signs. God damn it, do not disturb me. Like the signs.
Starting point is 00:34:26 God damn it. I hate this show. I'm going to say D made so much paper they ran out of trees. I'm going to say D just to bring it to a swift end. Hey, they can't all be. Yay! I'm gone. They hastened it.
Starting point is 00:34:42 They can't all be. Is this domain name taken, guys? Number four, I go from VIP to VIP so much that I'm nauseous. Oh, what a cunt. B, chains two of them, getting brain from two of them. He rhymed two of them with two of them. Or did he? C, I'm so high, addict.
Starting point is 00:35:01 I'm so high, like an addict. D, I had a threesome for three weeks in a row. Three of these are real. Is addict, is he saying like I'm so high at this like and that means addict the way like black people say acts instead of ask? No, I'm so
Starting point is 00:35:18 high and then an addict is high. He just couldn't be bothered to think of any prepositions. It's like that Nicki Minaj cheating at rap thing where you just say a thing and then say a word that you just described. That is the whitest thing you've ever described. These rappers don't know prepositions.
Starting point is 00:35:34 This Titty Boy fella couldn't be bothered to use a fucking conjunctive phrase. They're called Titty Boy? That's his original name before he changed it to 2 Chainz. It was Titty Boy? T-I-T-Y-B-O-I. That's way too close to fuck boy. I don't know. This was like the 90s in the
Starting point is 00:35:49 Dirty South or something. I don't really know 2 Chainz's origin story. I think he got bit by a radioactive criminal and then developed superpowers. Black people really can just say anything with enough confidence and it just becomes cool. They're just font of fucking phrases.
Starting point is 00:36:05 We have to write butter gargling sketches and think of wacky websites that don't exist. I mean, come on. It's really tough. I'm going to say we have all the dumbness of the skits on a rap album, and that would be the swag and talent of the rest of it. Oh, yeah. This is a rap album with no songs. It's just all $20,000 dub sack pyramid. I'm going to say C.
Starting point is 00:36:30 I'm so high. Attic. I'm going to say D. The fake one is Chains. Two of them getting brain from two of them. Last question. All real or all fake. A. Honor student with double Ds.
Starting point is 00:36:44 B. He ain't fucking with that bull matador c i'm rich like lionel i get head like rhino or d i'm on top like a toupee that sounds like vaudevillian i'm on top like a toupee top of of the world. I'm the matador. I'm going to say all fake. I'm going to say all real. No, two canes like the wicker canes. Ignorant. All right.
Starting point is 00:37:18 You were going to say something else. I sure was. They are all real. I feel nothing from that. Hey, I'm really glad that this was a great show that ended poorly it was a great show i particularly enjoyed this one yeah this was a fun one hey thanks everyone for listening we you know we get all the tweets and stuff and the emails and it's uh it means a lot i think we all we all you know we all takes and it's not happiness we're incapable of that but something like that from them you know yeah no yeah so thanks for listening
Starting point is 00:37:45 um you guys have anything to plug uh this weekend I'm at uh Laughs Unlimited on Thursday
Starting point is 00:37:51 Western Oregon University Friday and then uh next week I'm at the South Point of Vegas on Friday after that I'm at the Madhouse
Starting point is 00:37:57 Comic Club down in San Diego all weekend uh after that I'm at the the 27th to 28th 3rd Street Live in Temecula
Starting point is 00:38:03 I'll be featuring there um doing headlining the Warner Theater in Fresno on June 3rd. And, yeah, that's all the shows people could conceivably see. So feel free to ignore those. May 6th, as we've talked about a couple times, Forever Nap, my album, comes out on iTunes. It's Friday.
Starting point is 00:38:20 Thursday, May 5th, come see the Mean Boys. Ooh, yes. KPU, their first ever sketch at the Sketch Melt show, at the Nerd Melt showroom in Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard. Yes, it's in the can. It's done. Yeah, it's done. It's chopped.
Starting point is 00:38:32 It's real good. We're very excited. Please share it. Way to think of the team first, Keith, instead of just selfishly naming all your own dates. Yeah, I named my album first. That's true. Do what you can.
Starting point is 00:38:42 Well, you did it second. That's close enough. Also, this Wednesday, or no, what is it? Oh, yeah, we're doing a show Wednesday, right? Yeah, next Wednesday, me and Connor will be at downtown Santa Ana Underground in Santa Ana. Yeah, it's this Wednesday. What?
Starting point is 00:38:55 Maybe. I don't know when this goes up. Oh, it goes up tomorrow. Oh, then it would be next Wednesday. Or, no, it is this Wednesday. Keith, you don't know how to fucking. Cool. Fuck it.
Starting point is 00:39:03 We're opening for Dean Del Rey, and it's going to be a good show. And then... Oh, May 6th is also my album release party at the Murder Room in Los Angeles, so please check that out on Facebook if you want to come. It's very cool. This Friday, the 6th, I'm going to be at the Comedy Store Original Room. Please go to that instead of Keith Carey's release party. I agree.
Starting point is 00:39:22 Yeah. Joe canceled on my show to go to his fancy schmancy comedy show. I sure did. I'm going to be at Chatterbox and Covina on the 15th, and I will be roast battling Earl Skakel, the resident house hater. Fuck!
Starting point is 00:39:33 It will be 24th of May, and boy, am I really... I'm excited as a faggot with a new dress to do this, you guys. It's going to be a good time. I'm literally going to kill... This is not going to be the show, but I'm going to kill everyone else
Starting point is 00:39:43 who could be a hater so I can be at the table for that. Outstanding. Outstanding. Well, hey, that's the show. Reviewed on iTunes. Follow us and shit. Subscribe.
Starting point is 00:39:53 Tell your mom. Yeah, tell your mom. I want people's moms to listen to this show. Our moms like it. Yeah. Yeah. My mom still has not listened. I mean, you could maybe like...
Starting point is 00:40:02 You know how you give a dog pills by like putting it in a piece of cheese? Yeah. Is there any way you could be like... What how you give a dog pills by like putting it in a piece of cheese yeah is there any way you could be like what wrap the podcast in a fistful of pills because that you might take it at that point yeah like the reverse thing because there is their way to inject a podcast into someone the the energy feels ugly right now no you take you take like the headphone input jack and you just stick that in her vein. Fuck everything. God is dead.
Starting point is 00:40:27 Good night, everybody.

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