Mean Boys - EP 170 - The Scary Store (feat. Adam Tod Brown)

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Listen to Adam's podcasts: https://patreon.com/unpops Follow our guest Adam Tod Brown on Twitter: twitter.com/adamtodbrown Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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adam todd brown yeah yeah it was fun it was great it was good to see adam again have him back in the Hey everybody, welcome to Snark Week, day four. Day four. The madness continues with Adam Todd Brown of Snark Week. Yeah, it was fun, it was great, it was good to see Adam again, have him back in the studio. I think it's a nice, well-rounded Mean Boys episode, and we had my old buddy Kyrie Shabazz joining us on the bonus feed to talk about weird Islamic race science and lots of other fun stuff. Yeah, that one's a doozy. No, it's very interesting. The legend of Yaku.

Because I wanted to get him to talk about it on a podcast forever, so we'll probably play a little clip of that later in the show for you guys to enjoy. And, yeah, all the Snark Week bonus episodes every single day are going up right now on Patreon. Five bucks a month for access to those and weekly bonus content going forward. And ten bucks a month gets you a monthly goody

due to the George H.W. Bush fascist postal holiday. We'll be sending the buttons out tomorrow, so thank him for that. Thanks, Obama. Yeah, exactly. But this month we're making some fridge calendars, some magnetic

fridge calendars that I'm excited about. I didn't have time to design them because I slept the fuck in, as you'll find out. But you'll be seeing those very, very soon for $10 over on the Patreon. And thanks to everyone who's been listening along and enjoying it. It's been really cool watching people talk about it in real time. Glad you guys are digging it. It's been well worth

all the effort so far. A lot of fun, too. Great to just get back to doing the show after a little work. It really does feel like going back to our roots after a real wacky fucking year. Yeah, absolutely. What a fucking insane year. But it a real wacky fucking year. Yeah, absolutely. What a fucking insane year. But it's been rejuvenating. Yeah, it's been the best year and the most fucking nightmarish year all at once.

Yeah, it's been a stressful year, too. Yeah, but this has been a fucking party. It's great seeing you guys enjoy it. We really appreciate it. If you want to get in on the conversation, obviously follow us on Twitter, Instagram, at Mean Boys Podcast. Also jump on our subreddit, r slash Mean Boys, and on the Discord server. Both of those are linked in the show notes.

Yeah, and there's a lot of fun. Just it's a fun hangout in the Discord. There's different channels for you to talk about, you know, politics and Mean Boys specifically and whatever and pictures of your dick. So really all the boxes are being checked. Yeah, it all kind of bleeds over into each other. So you see a lot of political debate

surrounded by wieners. I think Mark Malloy would be in the peace and freedom party. By the way, shout out to recent guest Short Bus Murphy. Pretty good dick. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he sent out a dick? He put his dick on the Discord. It's a pretty good dick, Short Bus.

Nice. Nice hustle out there, Murphy. Hey, yeah, you're giving it 110% of your dick. He leaves an iTunes review. Tom has announced a new iTunes review gold challenge. You'll have to listen to the episode to find it out, I think. You know what? No, I can announce it here, too.

All right, you can announce it here. Sure. Yeah, guys, we hit 500 iTunes reviews upon request by multiple people around the country. I will have someone probably a fantase me at a live episode. That's right. 500 reviews. And I want to clarify this just so nobody thinks we're going to try and pussy out of it. We're not talking about the violet wand like what we did in Fort Wayne.

No, it's a taser. And kind of like consumer goods like itsy bitsy electricity. We are going to fucking put Tom down like he's trying to fight a cop. Yeah. We're going to like walk up to him like Javier Bordem with a car battery and a coat hanger. Yeah, and we will absolutely do that live on stage for 500 iTunes reviews. If you haven't left us one, leave us one.

It makes us look a little bit more legitimate. It helps us maybe get on the charts, do goofy shit. Jonah Hill had to be paid millions of dollars to do that for The Hangover. Oh no, that was Zach Galifianakis. There you go, champ. That probably wasn't real. Other fat man.

Yeah, good points. Man, what if we tased and he, like, talks normal? Yeah, we're like the hangover with integrity is what we're getting at. We're verbal jackass. We're physical jackass. You'll see a video of Adam shaving Tom's mohawk tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a giant chunk missing.

And it looks bad. It doesn't even look worse than it did. It just looks different now yeah any guest gets to shave a chunk if they want to i offered it to kairi and he was super uninterested that's our version of signing the drum head on saturday night i'll try and get zebrowski to shave part of your head tomorrow oh i bet he'll do it yeah yeah so uh keep on listening in we got uh three more days of this left. I think that's just about all the housekeeping. Thank you guys so much for listening. We're glad you're digging it.

And speaking of digging, dig on this, a new episode right now featuring your pal and mine, Adam Todd Brown. And mine. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Oh man, this comedy addiction is really getting in the way of my heroin dreams. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Adam Todd Brown. And I'm... The hardest to get a hold of unsuccessful person.

I was at a time with us in studio. I was thinking about this last night, like just the ratio of things Tom has going on to how hard it is to call him. It's like I'm trying to call like Kanye or something where he's like, does he have a new phone number? Is he in Africa? Is he just gone? Is he just not plugged in for a while? That might have been my all time favorite slam on me because I can't think of anything more true. Up until like three

months ago you had the like social media profile of a future domestic terrorist. Oh for sure. The shooter's last tweet was thoughts are just word farts. Powerful. Chilling. Actually, you know what's fucked up is my sister made a Photoshop of me yelling at her, and the caption was just, thoughts are thoughts.

So that's not far off. Yeah. ATB back in the trap. Good to see you, man. Hey, thank you for having me. I like the new studio. Yeah, yeah. I like the new digs.

It's pretty nice. This room looks like it was built so the person who built it could break in later. The architect was just like, sowing seeds, guys. One of these guys has got to have a duffel bag full of drug money someday. The funniest thing about this room to me will always be the window with the scenic view of a wall made of garbage. It looks like Haiti outside your window. I do say, like, every time a girl comes over or something, they're like, oh, yeah.

I'm overlooking a fucking South American favela that's been destroyed by drug violence. Like, on the other side of that, there's just Guatemalan women in their underwear packaging cocaine. I also love the idea of a girl coming in here and being like, okay, there's curtains on that window, but not this one. What the fuck is that window hiding?

Oh, those curtains are hiding Keith from catching me jacking off. God, the amount of times I've just seen, like, halfway through the sliver just an elbow moving, and I'm like, ah, crap. Whenever I'm hanging out with someone who I watch Naked Roast Battle with, they're like, ah, we saw their dicks together. I'm like, I see their dicks all

the time. That wasn't special for me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guy. I want to just go outside and thumbtack to that wall like a 1970s garage bikini girl poster. And just have it be like, oh yeah, that's my outside girlfriend. We have an inside girlfriend and an outside girlfriend.

That'd be pretty great if you just got a giant poster of the mountains, but put it on that side of the wall. So you can still, if you lean back, you're like, oh yeah, there's still garbage out there. I don't know why, I just had a mental image of you just on the bed, like overdosing on ketamine. And then out the window, there's just a hang in there baby poster. Is anyone bandaged on that side of the house? Yeah, that's where we pee sometimes. Yeah, there's a great piss gutter.

You pee in the backyard, it goes all the way down to the laundry area. Here's why you gotta piss out there. It's because that whole alleyway behind the entire house is full of dry, dead leaves and cigarette butts. Oh, sure. It's a little bit of like, you know, when the helicopters come and they just drop the anti-inflammatory.

Yeah. Yeah, they drop antacids. We piss because we... I realized I didn't know the right word. Ibuprofen. Yeah, yeah. Unload like a Vietnam War payload of Tums. Yeah. Over the paradise.

It's not because we're gross. We pee because we care. Yeah. Like they're dropping leaflets on Nam. Tom is pissing the bed. Yeah. He's out there in a ranger hat. Yep.

Yeah, I look back there and like when we go do our laundry sometimes, we just scoop the lint out of the trap and just throw it in the pile of lint out there. And I'm like, we're just making a pile of great kindling. That's all we're doing. Which is like, it all coagulates next to my bedroom. Yeah, yeah. Where the electrical wiring is, I don't know, probably the worst in the house. Yeah, I'm going to die.

At this point, we just need to get a trash can, four dumpster fires in the front yard. Like, that's all we're missing at this point in this fucking Syrian refugee nightmare home. With the old black robos, the 50s singing acapella. Yeah. I like to think there's a ghost that haunts this house that can't leave until we have a cockfight here. Like, that's his business on Earth. Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. I saw you walk through that wall and uh you didn't know i was around adam does have the energy of like the one white guy who they let go to the cock fight oh yeah i feel like i'd be allowed at the time he's wearing like a white linen suit and everyone's very respectful of you smoking a cigar yeah yeah you can start kind of talking code with whoever. I mean, you're just kind of in there deep on all sorts of subcultures and shit. Yeah. So if you need to fake it, you could like, oh, yeah, cockfights. Well, the usual password is caca or whatever, you know. Or you talk to guys like, well, when you buy meth, you're not going to want to call it

shatter. You're going to look like an idiot. You got to call it this. Is that a nickname for meth? I don't think so. I think that's a weed one. A girl told me a word you can look up on Craigslist at one point

to find meth. Tina? I don't think it was Tina. Tina's in the gay subculture. I want to say it was Windex. Whoa. Try that. Take to Craigslist and look up Windex. I want to see if you can buy meth on Craigslist and pick up a crime next. Okay, I'm on it now. All right.

Tom, I want to see if you can buy meth on Craigslist today. I'm not kidding. I'm looking it up. Tom, for the first time in my life, I've seen you just spring into action like a war journalist. Like, well, let's get with the people have to know. If you buy us a Tina or a Windex, snark week is going to be real fucking easy. Windex. We're going to finish snark week today. Dude, I fucking slept in like a bitch, man.

I went to bed. I was like, I'll go to bed early around 1.32. You know, just kind of wake up at like 9. You know, have a nice cozy little morning, write some jokes, you know, think some funny things to say to Adam. And then Keith knocks on my door and goes, it's 1.30. I was like, uh? Well, you went in the afternoon.

Yeah. I was like, well, you went to sleep at 2, so yeah. I had the morning you described. That was my morning. That sounds nice. And you look rested and sharp. Yeah, I wrote some jokes. It was great. Here's weird.

A lot of trucks and boats appearing. What is the meth range for Windex? I don't know. What does that set me? That might not even be the right. Cheap household cleaning products, shampoo, toothpaste, razor soap. One dollar. No, that'd be actual Windex, I think.

Yeah. And that might not be the right word. Damn it. I don't know. I feel like I forgot it from trying to buy. All I got was. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I shouldn't know this. Yeah. I don't need to let that slip. I'm going to try Tina. OK.

OK. Tina, you're going to. Well, they took down the... Now you're just going to get a bunch of Bob's Burgers Funko Pops. Tina, delivery is 24-7 days locally available, $70. Yeah, that's math. Oh, nice. Oh, wow.

Tina Turner tickets, scam alert. Isn't she dead? No. That would be a pretty good way to know it's a scam. Man, I got a feeling these Prince tickets I got aren't going to pan out. John Lennon live at the Goodnight Bar and Grill in North Holly. Psychic Tina can read your future. That sounds meth-y enough.

That might just be a psychic. But she can find meth for sure. Well, Tina is like the kind of burnout, like why trash turns spiritual name that ends up a psychic. Yeah. It's Tina spelled with a Y. Yeah. I mean, it's Tina spelled with a Y. Yeah. I mean, Tina definitely did

some Tina back in the 80s. Oh, yeah. Live fire Tina Turner Records. All right. Yeah. This is just that scene

from Reservoir Dogs where the guy is reading the phone. I think you found it. Yeah. I think you found it that first time, wasn't it?

Yeah. 24-7 delivery. Yeah. It seems like you were looking for meth, found it, and then read a bunch of other

unrelated Tina postings. Makita Angle Grinder said, that could be meth. Covina. Tina Covina. Tina Covina. I like the idea of grinding up your meth

like it's weed, and you're just like, oh yeah, there's the keef at the bottom, and it's just a bunch of borax. Yeah, I made Go Fast Sand.

Yeah. You roll it up in a little joint made of glass, I guess. Oh, the 24-7 day is locally available to you. It is first aid's best choice solution for your health problems. Dot, dot, dot. You know what I figured? I think that's still meth. That's 100%.

Well, yeah, it's a great solution for your health problems because you will die. Right. You know, I just figured out if you want to roll up a blunt of crushed crushed up meth the kind of glass you use is those iphone protector screens you know that's like a fucking uh blunt rap for meth right well what about grinder it was like the code is like if you were trying to score math or like do math you would just have like a weird uppercase t and a name where everything else was lowercase but it it's like, that's not code if we all know what it is. I mean, still code

if people know the code. That's that 0-1 computer shit. It's like they'd not get busted by a cop. Right, but you can't prove that's what you were doing unless they actually catch you buying the meth. There's no text saying meth please, and they're like, ah, see, you were looking for at you buying the meth. Right. There's no texting. They have like a vetting process. Meth, please.

And they're like, ah, see, you were looking to snort some Tina there. I can't bust you now. Are you a Canadian police officer? Oh, yeah. Doing the old zippies there. One meth, please. Oh, the change of the words there. Oh, boy.

Oh, my gosh. What a meth. That's why I support libertarian drug policy, because I don't like these lame-ass codes we've got to talk in. It just makes us look dumb. Yeah, that's the biggest problem with drugs. Stop embarrassing us, the government. I don't want to have to talk to some guy like I'm an undercover cop in an 80s movie. Yeah, when Conor's on Grindr, he wants to be able to pursue meth-fueled butt sex freely.

Exactly. I want it to be like Let Go go but with shit that kills me you're uh you've had some pretty uh some pretty wild psychonautic uh adventures adam have you uh what's uh any fun ones drug stuff yeah yeah i've smoked crack a couple times oh okay that was uh that was i mean what did you step on the ground too hard? Cha-cha-cha-cha. I don't know why I said, oh, okay, like I haven't talked to Adam about this 25 times. Yeah, I smoked crack when I lived in Madison, Wisconsin. And you're wearing a Baltimore shirt right now. I'm wearing a shirt from The Wire. It's Orlando's Gentleman's Club. Oh, hell yeah, that's cool.

From The Wire. Yeah. You told me that was really good. What was that? Oh, The Wire's cool. From the wire. Yeah. You told me that was really good. What was that? Oh, the wire was good. Not the crack. You weren't telling me like... Crack is fucking great.

Yeah. Yeah? Crack is amazing. I think Alonzo Bowden said it felt like walking through a tunnel of yes. Yeah. Which I thought was really good. It's amazing. The first time I tried it, I was with a friend of mine named Italian Neil.

He's Irish. Yeah, we worked an overnight grocery store job. Ironically, he hates Kaepernick. And one night we're at work, and he's like, hey, I got a motel room. Do you want to hang out? And I was like, no. Yeah, of course not. Why the fuck would I want to do that?

I have a house. We can hang out there. What the fuck are you talking about? And he was like, well, I got crack, and I can't go home and smoke that and i don't want to smoke crack alone and i was like well i'll come like smoke weed while you're smoking crack or something that's fine yeah and then we get there and obviously i'm gonna do i'm like come on let me just try yeah yeah and he was like i wouldn't be your boy if i let you try this and i was like you're not being my boy now yeah i'm not letting you try watch you do crack yes this is like i'd rather

watch you play spyro when i was 12 here's what i love is that what this really well done he's like i don't really want to share my crack but he's like no i'm doing this because i'm a good friend to you right i'm a good guy no crack so he eventually rolled me a joint that had crack sprinkled in it right and we had gone to wendy's right beforehand of course and i was i smoked like half of this joint and was like i'm gonna fucking eat now and i'll go back to it later and i got maybe two bites into this chicken sandwich and was like fuck food give me that joint back. And I fucking finished it all, and it was amazing. Okay. And then I did it a set.

You just can't do it two days in a row. If you do it two days in a row, you're going to die from it five years later. But if you can space it out five, six months, it's not going to kill you. See what you're made of. Smoke crack. What about three days? Three days, I think, is enough. Yeah.

If you're just doing it every three days. All right. How many iTunes reviews for the mean boys to smoke crack? I'm only kind of kidding. I'll announce my next iTunes review thing is we hit 500. Or actually, should I run this by you first, Connor? I don't care. Yeah.

As long as it just involves you. Yeah, it just involves me. We get 500 iTunes reviews. Someone will get to tase me at a live show. I don't know who. It's going to be a BYO taser situation. Yeah, we'll figure out the details, but I will get tased on camera at a live show during the joke-off. And it's going to be extra because we're also going to make Tom smoke crack.

Yeah, I did the whole, like, fucking police brutality haunted house thing at the live show. Not great. I got to tell you, that was $800 what? I went to black guy fantasy camp. It was terrible. Holy shit. Well, it's great to have you in here, Adam. Hey, thanks.

Yeah, this is already a fun episode. What do you say we tell some jokes, huh? Ay, so topical. It's the Mexican crack-off. Yeah. I didn't realize this was going to be such a drug-heavy episode. And since it's kind of on topic, I'll take us away this week. Okay.

Police discovered a turtle strapped with $53 million worth of cocaine. This arrest spells the end for legendary drug kingpin, Shell Chapo. That's great. He would, like, teach you, like, about the metric system. Alternative punchline. Said Michelangelo, quote, I'm not an addict, I'm a party dude. A kilo is a thousand

grams. Easy to remember. Hi, I'm Shell Choppo. Oh, man, these are rough. Welcome to Schoolhouse Trap, where we teach you how to steal checks out of your neighbor's mailbox and cash them with no ID at the local scary store. Local scary store? Welcome to the scary store. We cash checks. We still sell beepers, even though it's 2018. And don't open that door. I went to one of those scary store. We cash checks. We still sell beepers even though it's 2018. And don't open that door.

I went to one of those in Baltimore. Oh, yeah? Oh, shit. I had a show there. Wait, you got to get the crack somewhere. Yeah, of course. Any sort of bad neighborhood business that does too many things? You're like, deli, check cashing, bank.

You're like, okay. When I lived in Long Beach, there was a strip mall. And one of the things in there was just a water and pager store, and it was always full of people. What? And I'm like, man, nothing has ever been a more obvious front for fucking nonsense. Like, the grocery store is closed, and yet at 2 in the morning, the water and pager store is popping.

Oh, yeah, like my favorite drug front business, Lagunero's Internet Cafe Cafe storied Orange County open mic where it's an Internet Cafe with like two big, big ass gray gateway Windows 98 computers. Yeah, like have a hard time reading Rabbit. Yeah, like six bags

of different kinds of talkies. One monster you could theoretically buy and then the rest of it just sold weed. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, let's do this, bitch. A Virginia man is convicted of feeding bears for the past 10 years

and will have to pay the maximum fine. However, there will be no fine on the drinks and sodomy. Ah, bears. Yes, bears. Guys, if you're wondering when people hit the wall, I may have done it now. Oh, dude, I Princess Diana'd into the wall as you're about to see.

Okay, let's grab one of these bad ones. Radio stations around the country are receiving backlash for not playing the Christmas song Baby It's Cold Outside due to sexually aggressive lyrics. One angry radio listener said it's a song about weather. Whether or not I can hear Dean Martin assault

a lady. You son of a bitch. You wrote that like five minutes before. Guys, that was good. It's somebody that every, like, called outside. It does come up every year. Well, called outside is about rape is the new Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It's like, yeah, but shut up.

Die Hard is a Christmas movie, though. Yeah, sure. Like, I don't care. Well, you're talking to the guy who actually wrote the thesis on Die Hard is a Christmas movie though Yeah sure like I don't care Well you're talking to the guy Who actually wrote the thesis On Die Hard and never saw it I got to have A big answer

To the whole community of people that love The movie and I've never seen And that makes me very happy that I could just phone In and take Yeah I think yeah Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It's not so much, like, whether it is or isn't. It's that, like, every time somebody, like, they pose it like they're the first person who had this fun contrarian idea.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it's just like, no, we get it. Yeah. I don't know why it makes me very angry. Yeah, I'm with you. I have no fun riff. Maybe it's cold outside, I get, because I was actually, like, because the melody, I just listen to melodies when I listen to

songs mostly. And I was like, this is a pretty fun song, you know? And then I remember listening to it later and being like, okay, yeah, that's pretty, that's weird. Yeah, it is pretty weird. Yeah, for sure. I just, I hate Christmas music so much. I don't care if it's about-

I'm with you. I don't care if it's about rape. I hate that one too. Before I knew it was about rape, it was one of the few Christmas songs I could actually listen to, which I don't know what that says about me. But I feel like I like Christmas music. Christmas in Hollis is the only Christmas song I can remember. What's Hollis Day? That's a good one.

That's one to end Die Hard. Run DMC. And then Kanye has a Christmas song called Christmas in Harlem. And there's a line where he says, she gave me the hot chocolate. It was de-ricious. Which is, I love those bad Kanye. Best way to describe my new whip, like all of those. Great.

I tried to spell that for a tweet once, and I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just bailed out. Yeah, Y-E-O-W-w you spell yeoman like on a boat but you don't add the a-n i think all right adam uh the first driverless car service went live this week in arizona allowing users to be autonomously driven to the destination of their choice unless they're mexican in which case they'll be driven straight to the border just to be safe. Man, when racist driverless cars go. I mean, that is going to be a pretty good trap

for the police. Oh no, it's Joe Carpio. Is that going to be worse if a computer refuses to pick you up? Wait, what? Is that going to feel worse when a computer refuses to pick you up as opposed to a person? Oh yeah, the black guy who's like, really? Is that going to feel worse when a computer refuses to pick you up as opposed to a person? Oh, yeah, the black guy who's like, really? I thought...

They don't even have pick-me-up detectors. Error, error. Yeah, yeah. That fucking rules. A former employee is suing Planet Fitness, saying the company ignored multiple rapes committed by managers. This explains the gym's new slogan, feel the burn, and if the burn screams, cover its mouth and drag it into the sauna. Yeesh. I didn't do it. I mean, go to the gym. Oh, come on, guys.

I always knew big exercise was in bed with rape. Big exercise. A man proposed with six rings so the woman could choose which one she liked. Damn, dude. Is really into girls who are missing like four fingers. The only joke I like this week, and it's insanely dumb. I love that you wrote your jokes and you read them like you've never read them. Yeah, yeah.

The inflections all around. You really shatner up your own shit. I read that article. That was Marla 80, the heir to the M-80 fortune. A Jewish man has been sentenced to 10 years in jail for making anti-Semitic

bomb threats. The Mean Boys podcast wishes Dave Cyrus a quick and easy appeals process. What's up, Dave? Hey, buddy. Former President George H.W. Bush passed away last week. He's preceded in death by his wife, Barbara,

and thousands of AIDS patients he hated for being queers. He's survived in death by his retarded sons in the crack epidemic he started. Man, it was pretty great that he died on National AIDS Day. Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, good. Which ripped so hard.

Yeah, that's great. There was, I generally hate it. By the way, I would love to send out your Patreon rewards today, Wednesday, December 5th, but the fucking cunts over at the post office needed another excuse to be worse at their jobs. Are we going to do this for every dead white guy? Can we just fucking be able to bail shit? They're like, don't worry, we'll lose

all your Patreon merch tomorrow. Meanwhile, we can't get the day off to vote. For real, man. The only guy that should have a postal holiday when he dies is the fucking Unabomber. The shit are you talking about america sorry the united nations have bestowed protective status on reggae music citing its cultural importance in related news the un has declared third wave ska a war crime so have i i actually like Ska.

But I like even more the idea of the trumpet player for Real Big Fish being tried at Nuremberg. I like one Ska song, and that's Superman by Goldfinger. Yeah. Okay, your closing statement's a little long. We need you to pick it up. Pick it up. There it is. This joke.

I love Tom's loading music. Which joke did you do? An American airline attendant has been convicted of voyeurism after it was discovered he was filming the men's bathroom on planes. So maybe I have been filmed masturbating. What? No, don't think about it too much. It's like looking at the sun. You could look around it or maybe with some glasses for a second, but don't think about it too much. It's like looking at the sun. You could look around it or maybe with some glasses for a second, but don't think about it too much.

If it gets a laugh, I don't have to explain it, right? Sure, why not? No, we've all jerked off on airplanes, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I absolutely have. We've all jerked off on the same plane together, I think. Not together.

Well, not in the bathroom at the same time. We didn't get a row to ourselves and put down a blanket. We created a line between the three of us. I jerked off on a Vegas to L.A. flight once. I jerked off on that L.A. to Vegas flight when I was late to come film the porn thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're like, I want to go empty and ready to think. Yeah, I got to drain my load so I can put comedy in my balls.

We're the worst. Yeah, no, my one claim to fame is that I've jerked off on an airplane and a bus and a boat. So pretty much every land, air, and sea. Whoa, wow. I've thrown up on all of those things. Nice. Yeah. I just rode all those conveyances normally.

I don't know what kind of square I am. Yeah, the train I got too drunk. The boat and bus I got nauseous. And the plane, I had a panic attack. I got into a pretty good argument on the Staten Island Ferry when I was in New York about something. I couldn't tell you what, but... I just need to get famous enough that I can bust one out on

SpaceX. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what this whole comedy game is for now. And then actually Elon Musk has invented a butterfly net to catch your floating jizz. And he's like, yes, and then it eats the jizz and uses it to make an LED light show that syncs off to King Crimson songs that I enjoy.

Well, you know what's kind of fun? So I feel like it would be a drone, but it's shaped like Pac-Man. Yeah, exactly. Oh, dude, your fucking futuristic cum Roomba that just like walk-walks around and catches all the floating jizz when you look at a fucking ass like Wall-E chair, you know? Walk us around and catch us on the floating gym when you live in a fucking flat-ass, like,

Wally chair, you know? Yeah. All right, guys. The FDA has warned pet owners about dangerously high amounts of vitamin D in their dog food. Ah, the old cut out the bottom of the bowl of dog food and put your dick in there trick, eh? I get it. I got to write my jokes last minute more often. I'm doing pretty good.

Wet and meaty indeed. Yeah, yeah. I do love the fucking, I was watching some big sausage pizza porn the other day just because there was like an actress sitting there and I liked it. I'm just like the whole conceit. I just, you're ruining a pizza and that offends me as a poor person. I really want to eat that pizza. How does this work? They cut out the, like a hole in the center.

You know where that little white table goes for no reason? Of course. They would cut that out, put their dick in there, open up the box, and then it pops open. He can basically use, like, you know how you can move your dick, like, three-quarters of an inch just with willpower? Sure, yeah. You know, he does that and flips the box open, and he's like, whoa, I forgot I left

that there. You've never heard of this before? No. I thought you host a show with Connor. Adam how have you ever watched we don't host a porn show yeah yeah neither do we it still comes up we've already eaten cum in space and fucking pizza i'm kind of hurt that i that me and adam have done the avns four years running and you've never attended what i love about that pizza or that like pizza porn too is that like obviously in that one it's like a stunt pizza and they're cutting it out. But you know some dipshit was like, oh, I'm going to try that, but didn't wait for the pizza to cool for a while. He just burns it. He jams it into molten cheese and now he just has Freddy Krueger shaft.

Yeah, and he's got to clean pizza grease out of his pubes, which has to be impossible. Oh, yeah. Your little Caesar burned my little Caesar. You're going to be lubing your pubes. Like, that shit is just there for a while. Oh, I actually have not really used lube that often. I mean, it's a good conveyance of dick, but, like, it really just, it goes, man. Adam, are you a dry man, too?

Yeah, I've not used lube. Air five. You guys are missing out. We probably are. I like Christmas music and a well-lubricated dick. I'm having a great time over here. Yeah. Or is it?

They do, like, supplies. What? Supplies. You're a big fan of, like, you. When you said it again, like, it would make more sense. Like, accessories I'd never think of buying. Lube is not an accessory. Like an action figure that also G.I. Joe now with gun oil. This is not a brag thing.

I have a big dick and it just makes the process easier sometimes. Ah, stop bragging. It's been televised. Yeah, yeah. Well, pixelated. Yeah, but people tell you. Look, I'm your dick's agent more or less. No, I know.

You tweeted a picture of it. What's up? Yeah. You tweeted a picture. Everyone's seen Keith's dick. Yeah. No. Come on.

I live with them. I mean it. It's getting weird. It's getting weird. Alright. I'm a dick breather. It's the last George Bush joke I saw. George Bush's service dog

Sully was still at his owner's side even during his funeral. When asked what service Sully provided, a spokesman for the former president replied, making George Bush seem like a human. Yeah. I mean, he was only there to stop little children from crying when they saw him. It's okay, Timmy. Look at his fun socks.

He'd only had that dog for six months. So that dog's probably like, this is fine. Oh, yeah. That dog doesn't give a shit. That's probably like, this is fine. Oh, yeah. That dog doesn't give a shit. That dog was like, this was just a summer thing. This guy never fucking moved anyway. Fuck this guy. Yeah, they caught that dog in the process of falling asleep near the coffin.

If we get this picture, we can make him look really sad. Yeah. Oh, man. PETA has published a list of common phrases they say are offensive to animals. Included are grab the bull by the horns, kill two birds with one stone, and go back to Giraffrica. Brrrr. That was really rude about that whole Proud Boys

Jeffrey Toys R Us campaign. I really felt they crossed the line. No oys are us. I saw that shit where I was like, instead of saying kill two birds with one stone, how about we say feed two birds with one scone? And every single person, every vegan, everybody was like, shut your fucking mouth. I hate you. Even like the wokest of the wokety woke people that I follow on Twitter were like, hey, Peter, you know, you guys are being fags, right?

Yeah. You got to knock it off. Even dogs were like, right now. Yeah. You gotta knock it off. Even dogs were like, stop it. Yeah. A teen who killed her parents pled guilty this week and was convicted to 40 years in prison or 40 stories from her aunt

about figurines, whichever comes first. Well, the backstory of this one is it was made by a handless man in Germany. And you're like, no! I choose death! Dude, anytime someone's explaining a collection to you,

you have no interest in it. This is something I've done many times as a Yu-Gi-Oh shoe guy, but it's fucking terrible. That should be your Twitter bio, is Yu-Gi-Oh shoe guy. You know, I actually do a few other things I'm more proud of.

No, you don't. I tweeted about this today, and I fucking mean it. I'm going to try and get every you don't. I tweeted about this today and I fucking mean it. I am, I'm gonna try and get every Mariah Carey album on vinyl. Okay, alright.

It's gonna be fucking hard. She's got some shit out there. You need someone to roll those crack blunts on? I'm a fan. I'm a big Mariah Carey fan. Okay. And I like,

I have a record player I bought, when I like an artist, I try to buy their stuff on vinyl. And all of her shit, it's like $50 and $60 for the trash albums. Yeah. And then the good ones. Because she just doesn't put her shit out on vinyl.

But it's out there. She doesn't appeal to the vinyl collecting crowd. Right. So there's not a lot of demand. It's not like TV on the radio where there's a demand for it. I think I might have talked about this on the air. But I think it's worth revisiting, because I was at an Urban Outfitters at the mall,

and there was a Deadpool 2 soundtrack vinyl, and I was like, what is the audience, like, is this supposed to be ironic? Who is this for? Do you want to listen to this? What is going on here? You know what I mean? I just couldn't make heads or tails of it.

I do want to point out, the two facts we've learned about Adam so far today is I've smoked crack and I love Mariah Carey she's fucking great I've tried to give her a shot it doesn't do it for me and I like goofy bad pop is she the near far lady no that's Celine Dion

that's Celine Dion I'm amazed that I figured that out from those words the near far lady wherever I am the middle distance she has a residency in Vegas the only Mariah Carey song I like is words. Yeah, me too. The near far lady. Wherever I am. The middle distance? She has a residency in Vegas. The only Mariah Carey song I like is the goddamn Christmas one. That's insane. What else does she sing? I kind of want to start a death rock

band with you guys called The Middle Distance now. Let's do it. It's like a surfy sad boy tune. What is Mariah? What's her shtick? She's just a pop pop singer. All I want for Christmas is you is the Christmas one.

What else did Mariah Carey do? Man, she's got so many fucking songs. Right, so it should be easy for you to know that. I'll name them until you recognize one. That's what I'm saying, name a big one. Vision of Love is a big one. Honey was a big one.

We Belong Together is the fucking jam. Oh, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. For worse or for better, we belong. That one? Hell no. No, that's not even sort of it. Did you see the Tommy Loren cover where she was like, I want to save Christmas from Jews.

That was kind of, I felt like that was. The Proud Boy Choir came out. That's on the new Fox streaming platform. I thought it was a little on the nose. That was the best. On the normally sized nose. We're going on a lot of tangents here. And I apologize if we talked about this already, but you remember when we were

in Oklahoma, and you know like the new Bunny Ears TV? Where they have like, you can watch the Grit channel, and it's just cowboy shit all day every day yeah we're watching like old throwback TV channel you know and it's like well yeah but that wasn't special that was just the only thing on Oklahoma cable it was the only thing on Oklahoma cable

it was the only shit so we're watching like old you can't show TV in Oklahoma for 45 seconds without Lee Marvin showing up yeah so we're watching these weird ghetto new TV channels and we're watching like old Johnny Carson Tonight shows and one of the commercials comes on and it's like the local Ford dealership. And it's like, here at Jefferson Ford, we serve the entire Tulsa area with affordable prices.

And then it's just a bad local car commercial at the end. It's just like, Jefferson Ford, right off of the Sunburst exit, heading north on I-98. Keep Christ in Christmas. Oh, shit. What the fuck? Bernadette, I thought you were selling cars.

No, what? Yeah, and we were watching this inside of a large trailer with a wolf just roaming outside by itself. Oh, I forgot about that. I went for a jog and the wolf started following me. I'm going to get in shape some other time. This is a bad start. I'm telling you, dude, on the 10th year anniversary, we got to do that same tour. Yes, absolutely.

Man, I was in Fresno visiting my mom for Thanksgiving and there was like a local commercial on. And it's like this like store for like old people accessories like canes and like arthritis beds and shit. But it is called the bone store and they sell you know like sleep apparatus so at one point i just look over at the tv and over my mom's shoulder i just see words on the television that say i got sleep aids at the bone store and i literally pushed her out of the way i was like where's my phone i need a phone that it wouldn't come back on. Oh, man. You mean your mom didn't have a DVR in the trailer?

My mom has like a way nicer house than us. I know she has a house, yeah. That's the great thing about it. We're going to go there and it's going to make us really sad that we leave it here. She has a game room. Multiple beanbag chairs. This is why I'm going to marry her. Whoa.

Yeah. What? This is why I'm going to marry her. The beanbag chairs. You got to keep that money somewhere. That's up to her. Yeah, it is up to her. And she doesn't marry gay morons.

All right, moving on here. The former CEO of Red Robin is dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Explaining their new jingle, Red Robin. Red Robin. We'll fire that one under sure. Somehow that was both the laziest joke and the best joke I've ever heard at the same time. I'm telling you, you woke me up at 125. I had about 20 minutes of waking up I needed to do.

I had 15 minutes to write it. More like bottomless dies. Am I right? More like dead robin. Anybody else got a bad one? All right, carry on. Officials in El Paso, Texas recently announced that due to global warming, the city would begin using treated sewage water as tap water, to which the city of Flint, Michigan replied, you know what? We'll fucking take it.

Because they have bad water in Flint. How do we get that to you? It's water politics and infrastructure joke Michael Moore movie but I thought the idea of just watering politicians lawn with like the Flint Michigan water I'm like that's a good stunt that is a good that's a well-crafted stuff I watched the trailer and I was like, that's a good stunt. That is a good stunt. That's a well-crafted stunt. And I watched the trailer, and I was like, okay, sure. And then when it did Fahrenheit 9-11, and it goes, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, suck my dick, you fat retard. We all got it.

Yeah. All right, man. You've not. Like, if you just put up the title, I'd be like, all right, fine. But the fact that he had the numbers flipped and then did the slow switch. Like, we were just going to go, ah! All right. Nigerian President Mohamedou Bahari addressed a conspiracy theory among his citizens that

he has been replaced by a clone. Oh, sure. That's fine. But when I say they look alike, not proud of what I did. Tumblr is eliminating any NSFW content. Oh, good. All that porn was really clogging up all the bad poetry I go to for Tumblr. I fucking said that like an Irish concussed man.

Oh, it's time in the morning. I say a word. Head drama. Yum. Oh, I'm loving it. All right, guys. Advocates are furious about the death of a transgender woman in ICE custody, calling it, quote, totally preventable. ICE has issued a heartfelt statement reading, we agree, her being transgender was totally preventable.

Man, dude. Fucking ICE is so crazy that that's going on. Yeah, it's insane. We just have a line of Judge Dredds at the border, and we're just kind of cool with it. Well, what's scary is when there's a foreign stormtrooper, you're like, the efficient, evil German. But with Ice, dudes, it's like, that's the shitty guy I went to high school with, and now he has a gun and a badge. Yeah, that dude used to listen to drowning pool and now he can kill me legally we've militiaized a facebook comment thread it's also weird that

ice and isis are so close like they looked at that name and went okay the is part is really ruining it we're just going to be ice yeah coming soon i that's my political humor everybody word sounds like word and they're actually the the same, because ISIS, the first two letters are just Islamic State, and then it's franchises from there. ISIS is Islamic State in Syria. Of Iraq and Syria, right? Yeah. Yeah.

But then there's ISIL, which is kind of the same thing. That's Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, which I think is another word for- 80s R&B group. Yep. Fucking great. It's also ISIS- Islamic state of Belbiv and Davao. Every time I see-

Islamic state of salt and pepper and Missy Elliott. I thought when I was growing up, I thought ICE meant in case of emergency, like you put that in your phone. So every time I see like no ICE signs, I'm'm just like no in case of emergency what i don't what's the emergency took a while for me to figure that out next person to talk uh yeah ariana grande recently announced that she wants to start releasing music the way rappers do which hopefully doesn't mean she's going to die of an opiate overdose or in a robbery gone awry before her next album uh yeah dude hear more about rapper deaths on adam and i show conspiracy the show around the unpops yeah you had a pretty good

the tupac one was fun there's a lot of shit i didn't know in there yeah there's a netflix documentary about the jam master j murder coming out this Friday. That's going to be fucking... We've got to watch the shit out of that. Because the Jam Master Jay thing is weird. He was working with 50, right? And he was just in the studio, and a guy just walked in and shot him. Did they catch the guy?

I don't think they ever caught him, right? No. Yeah. No. They've never caught him. A bunch of his friends were in the room. He had to be buzzed in by security. Yeah, it's fucking weird.

Whoever killed him. Somebody was in on this thing. Oh, yeah. Jam Master Jay is a cool. He's one of those. He just like had a good fucking ear and aesthetic for everything. Like he's a smart motherfucker. He used to tell 50 like you got to write 10 hooks before I let you write the verse.

Rappers love writing hot verses, but no one can write a hook. So write me 10 hooks and then I'll let you write the verse if you want this beat. That's pretty cool. That's some cool like Mr. Miyagi, but we're talking about big asses shit. Yeah. All right. Jam Master sounds like a nickname you get at a sleepover. Well, that's because you got jelly all over the pillows.

I thought it was a wet dream thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought, isn't that a thing? Like pajama jams or whatever? What the fuck are you talking about? I get invited to stay at many friends' houses. How many rapes did you repress from your childhood? You guys didn't have jam master time

where you put on your PJs and do a fashion show for the dad? At least the normal kids have pajama jams where you just go and you wear a onesie and you all share the same jar of jelly with your bare hands. Some Winnie the Pooh shit. Well, that was a Mexican joke off, guys.

We'll be right back with more Mean Boys right after this. And now, a moment with a guy that manages SoundCloud rappers. Hey, Young Perk, it's B-Rad. Yeah, yeah, I changed numbers again. No, look, on your most recent post on Graham is sitting at nine likes right now. I'm going to pull some strings, make a few phone calls, and try to get that up to ten so it stops showing the individual names and then goes to the number. Really helps with brand awareness.

Yeah, should be good. What? They stopped doing that? Oh, okay. Well, I'll still make that call for you. Everything helps. Talk soon. Hello, this is Young Perks Manager.

I wanted to drop a line and see if you'd be interested in an exciting... Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Brandon. No, I didn't talk to Mom for her birthday yet. I'm getting to it, Karen. It's a busy week for us. We're in the middle of launching a whole YouTube comment campaign. Okay. Can we say it's a busy week for us. We're in the middle of launching a whole YouTube comment campaign. Okay. Can we say it's from both of us?

What do you mean? I have three sick days left. Wait, so you can't use them twice in one month? Well, look, I'm sorry. We have a big event at the CityWalk BJ's coming up. I have to be there for it. No, no, no, yeah. I'm also sick.

All right, yeah, okay, yeah, fine, fine, I'm coming in. That was a moment with a guy who manages SoundCloud rappers. And welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast, and we return with a round of one of our favorite games, which are the following? Sesame Street Jingle. This one was sent in by a listener, Plops Magoo. Shut up.

Hey, Plops. The message is, hey, Mean Boys, been listening for a while. Thought I would try out making a which of the Falling game for you. Last year, the CIA released the entire contents of Osama Bin Laden's computer hard drive. Amidst the beheading videos are some things that are pretty weird. So, which of the following was not found on Osama Bin Laden's personal computer? Oh, hell yes. Wonderful.

Wonderful. The game works. I'm going to give you four things. You just got to tell me which one wasn't actually found on Bin Laden's computer. Round number one, YouTube edition. Which of the following was not found on Bin Laden's computer? A, Charlie bit my finger. B, girls fight.

A video of two toddlers fighting. C, horse dance. A video of a horse dancing. Or D, keyboard cat. What's Charlie bit my finger? It's a video about a kid and he gets his finger bit. See, that's going to be my guess because I feel like that humanizes, you know, Christian children too much. You know what I mean? Well, I'm not going to blow that up.

Well, he's like, I can't watch them be adorable, but any kind of animal or fighting thing. I'm like, okay, maybe that's more his speed. But I don't know how much he sold out in his private time on YouTube. I just like the idea of him watching Charlie bit my finger, just getting weirdly like, he's just like, yes, I am Charlie. And the West is the finger. I say keyboard cat. Real keyboard cat? I feel like he's one of those guys where people were just telling him, you need to watch it.

And he was like, not going to watch it. Like it became a point of pride that he missed it? Too many people are telling me I need to watch keyboard cat. Yeah, like when you meet that guy, he's like, I never even heard of Uptown Funk. Yeah. I only listen to real music. Okay. All right, so we got one for charlie bit my finger one for keyboard cat tom your thoughts what were the other there was horse dance and the other one i'll be my finger girls fight horse dance or keyboard cat yeah i don't oh fuck i i don't this really shoot this which of the following is what

has tom heard of before I'm gonna go With the horse I don't know how a horse would dance Well you know horse dancing is like an actual thing right Like professionally Yeah I did not know that Yeah they got that whole show on NBC

Where CeeLo turns around when the horse is good at dancing And gives him a dancing contract The horse is not like twerking Like it's not doing people dances Yeah Okay The horse is not twerking. It's not doing people dances. The horse is not doing the Macarena. The two four-year-olds fighting is probably real. My God, look at that Clydesdale dude that Charleston.

I'm going to go with A, which was the... Charlie bit my finger? Yeah, because I don't know what the fuck that is. I can't believe you don't because it's huge. Really? You can't believe I haven't seen a thing on the internet? No, it's very popular know what the fuck that is. I can't believe you don't, because it's huge. Really? You can't believe I haven't seen a thing on the internet? No, it's very popular. It's also very raw, and the correct answer was D, keyboard cat. Oh, shit.

Adam is on the board. All right, round two. No, you're wearing a trucker hat with a black American flag on it, so I feel like if anyone's going to crawl inside the head of Bin Laden, it's unfortunately you. What's great about that hat is I can't tell if it means, man, I really hate America, or man, I love America. I kind of want that hat. That's why I wear it. Yeah, yeah don't. What's great about that hat is I can't tell if it means, man, I really hate America or, man, I love America. I kind of want that hat. That's why I wear it.

Yeah, you're either going to – either way, you definitely have pamphlets to give someone. Oh, absolutely. Where did you get that hat? I bought it on Amazon. How much? It was $15, I think. You kind of love it. I was looking at Switchblades on Amazon.

I want to get a new letter opener. Yeah, yeah. I started using the kunai I used to use for letter opening to clean the lint out of the lint trap in the dryer, so I gotta get another novelty knife. Is that why our lint trap is fucked? Uh, no, it was fucked. Have you been stabbing it with a throwing knife? No, I just, you know that steel thing? I just scraped the

lint out with air. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought everyone used it. It's right there on top of the water heater. No, I didn't look at the ancient Japanese weapon and think, well, I need this for laundry. Well, that's where you're missing out. He's stealing your detergent all the time. Oh, okay.

I'm kidding. I'm going to invoice you. Yeah, okay. How great would it be if I just passive-aggressively invoiced? That's for the handful of cashews you borrowed earlier. That would be the most satisfying press of the decline button on Venmo. Yeah, yeah. All right, round number two, anime edition.

Which of the following animes was not found on Bin Laden's personal computer? A, Dragon Ball, B, Naruto, C, Cowboy Bebop, or D, Devil May Cry? Ooh. Once again, I don't know what any of these... I know Dragon Ball Z's a thing. Devil May Cry for me. The next two rounds are a little more accessible to you, hopefully. I feel like that's still too religiously out there.

It's got devils in it, and he's probably like, well, I'm a fan, but they didn't make him racist enough or whatever. Either that or he watched it and was like, these aren't the devils I thought they were talking about. Yeah, where is the fat white? So you're going Devil May Cry? Devil May Cry. Fuck. You know what? I'm going to be a contrarian and say Naruto.

Okay. The correct answer is C, Cowboy Bebop. Oh, I'm missing out. The one guy who hasn't seen Cowboy Bebop. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. You haven't seen anything. I don't think you've seen a mirror.

There's a mirror right there. I see me all the time. Whoa, he caught you. Wow. You stupid bitch. That's what I love. It's not like you not getting the reference points in a game is like a new thing. It's most of the things we do.

But you haven't learned at all how to chill or roll with the punches on it. I make a big deal about not knowing what Cowboy Bebop was this time because you guys explained it was an anime last time. You never stopped stuttering from the beginning of the round. That's what's great about Tom is you just get to see the whole world from a very fresh perspective of a guy who's like, because all these things are ingrained in us and it's like, well, yeah, Mariah Carey. I mean, she's a legend.

I've heard her name. I just don't know her name. But Tom just gives, he's like, I don't know who she is. I don't give a shit. I don't. Play your album, whatever. You're just an angry, paranoid infant.

Like, whatever the opposite of childish wonder is. I know I am, but what am I? I like to think of him more as, like, a really, like, a cone head where you smlooshed all the cone back into the rest of the head, you know? And it's just gone out in a different direction. It's just a head shape. Yeah. Round number three.

Which of these movies was not found on Bin Laden's hard drive? A, Street Fighter IV, B, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, C, Cars, or D, Ants with a Z? Oosh. Well, Ants has a lot of Jews in it. I mean, well, there's one Woody Allen, but that's still a ton of Jews. But it does also compare the Jews to insects, which seems like a thing Bin Laden would like. Oh, shit. You make a good point, unfortunately.

Here's the thing. I think Bin Laden would relate to Ants. I think he'd be like, oh, yes, I'm the ant in the gum. I've seen ants. And I think he'd be. That's what you've seen? Yeah, man. I got it as a kid because I thought it was Bugs Life.

Yeah. That was the ants marketing strategy. Yeah, it really was. Let's be the Kmart of Bugs Life. Yeah. Hey, everybody, we're the other one. Yeah. And my dad was like, this isn't Bugs Life.

I'm like, yes, it is. There's an ant on it. And it was like fucking whatever. I made her watch 30 minutes of ants with me. I don't know why I have ever. Wait, why does anyone ever fuck you? I have no clue.

I've been thinking about that lately and been like, man, I really am not that good of a boyfriend. Because you're a good looking dude. You are not good looking enough to get away with showing a girl ants. Yeah, well, I just,

that's kind of the thing, the sort of thing I think is fun. But I was at the gym yesterday and i kind of had this realization i think like well i'm a good boyfriend i'm kind of i'm like you know i'm kind and charming i think or whatever then i'm like honestly that's about 20 of it that's really the other 80 is you know can i stop by walgreens and pick you up some uh you know pepto or something sacrifice and commitment and like all those kinds of things. But I'm only good at the fucking stepdad port where I'm just like, hey, look at that, you got to do stuff to animal, little girl.

I'm a good boyfriend. I know how to do crowd work. Exactly, yeah. I'm going to say cars because I think that just reminds him of all the drama about the oil from where he's from. So I guess cars. I'm going to say Indiana Jones. Okay.

Oh, there's a lot of brown guys getting shot in that. Yeah, and a lot of Christian artifacts. Yeah. Yeah, but I also feel like he would watch that movie for like a week. So it is all brown guys getting shot. He might use it for research. On how to not get shot by Indiana Jones. No, on how to find treasure. He was crazy. No, okay, so... On how to find treasure.

He was crazy. No, no, no. You walk into Vinland's room and he's got this whole system of diagrams and it just says whips and it's crossed out. It is funny to think of

because every Indiana Jones movie they age it up a little bit and the last one he's in the 50s. Now, what if they get to a point where they just do one where Indiana Jones is on United 93?

He's like, also the Shroud of Turin is here or something. I don't know. There's two things going on. Yeah, whatever. This is actually really I got to go cars.

It's the only it's the only one without any violence. You know, even ants are being stepped on. They're like soldiers. The termite. I feel like you'd watch

that termite scene on repeat. That seems like all about his shit is like they even use chemical weapons. You guys didn't watch ants apparently.

I haven't seen it in a long time. Ants do that in real life. apparently. I haven't seen it in a long time. Ants do that in real life. Yeah, I mean, I remember. Yeah. Really? And ants spray some sort of acid as a defense mechanism. They were fighting the termites.

Yeah, but there's one species of ant in Florida that uses it as a means to subdue their prey. And then they behead that prey. I think there was this whoa dude there's like lorraine ababad ass ants where they're just like florida ant they're fighting the termites and termites had like little hoses and they just shot acid and all the fucking but yeah and i think saddam would really uh relate to that and in no way are we talking about fine his brother, whatever, Osama. His brother, Osama bin Laden. Really the oasis of terrorism. This is reminding me of...

Let's say Cars. We used to do a bug jar Thunderdome when we were kids, where we would just catch 15 bugs, put them in a mason jar, and whoever won got their freedom, you know? I love that this is your follow-up story to, I don't know if I'm the best boyfriend. I don't know if I'm the best person, actually. I do like the idea of just some girl being like, I'm trying to sleep, Connor.

You're like, look at these cockroaches! Yeah, exactly. Where I'm like, I don't know what, wait, oh, yeah, I guess those are living things. Yeah, that's like what a serial killer does. I don't say I feel good about it, but I mean, I lived in a very aggressive cul-de-sac. You've got to understand. I mean, it was hardcore. It was real fucking suburban jungle.

I would watch YouTube videos of that. Oh, yeah? If someone did that now, just put 15 different bugs in a jar and set a camera. You guys are watching a bongo snake-cobra fight? Just somewhere off the Ivory Coast where there's no laws, and I'm just like, all right, potato bug versus, I don't know, let's say butterfly. Just drop really aggressive music under it. Just let the bodies hit the floor. Let the buggies hit the floor.

Oh, man. The Craig Dancer is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Okay. Round four, video game edition. Which of these games was not found on Bin Laden's hard drive? A, The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time. B, Grand Theft Auto, Chinatown. C, Counter-Strike.

Or D, Animal Crossing. Oh, shit. You got to love the idea of him playing Counter-Strike while it happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know when you play a video game? He's got his headphones on. He doesn't hear SEAL Team 6 coming up this day. When you play a game for like four hours, you get kind of jumpy where you're thinking people are going to shoot you.

Yeah. So he's like wired the fuck up. He's going to get coffee and the cat goes right and he starts to hear noises like, Bin Laden, you're going crazy. Just have some nutmeg in your milk. Go to bed tomorrow. More farming. You know, or whatever.

He gets to hell. He's like, oh, I got nose scoped by some American maggot. Oh, God. Of course he screen recorded it. Go enjoy your views, bro. Man, I really love that Bin Laden sucks so we can do this racist ass accent. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah.

Can I triumph the insult terrorist? I'm spiking the football Obama was too embarrassed to. You know what I mean? I'm giving people the closure they need. Yeah, it doesn't know how to fly. I'm the insult. And I know this is a terrible... Could you just give like a half sentence explanation of what the game is?

Because I don't think I know any of these games. The Legend of Zelda. That one I do know. Okay. Grand Theft Auto. Okay, oh, that one I did know. Counter-Strike. Don't know.

It's like army stuff. Okay. Modern Warfare. Animal Crossing. Okay, now that one... That's a cute little town of animals that just do domestic shit. It's for girls. It's one of those games for girls.

It's like soccer. It's like soccer or prayer. Game for women. Here's my opinion on that. Menstruating, prayer, Animal Crossing. The pastimes of that. Hugs. Contraception.

Here's my thought on Counter-Strike. That's also just what he did in real life. Why would he want to play a video game? That's like if your job was doing comedy. You're like, all right, now I've got to play comedy, the video game. How many comedians do you know that just watch hours of stand-up specials, too? Yeah, but he has all the actions to stage-time murder that he wants. I remind you, you were famously playing through Portal on my Instagram,

a game about someone who wakes up after being experimented on in a laboratory and has to escape. Yeah, do you think Bin Laden was a Marine? Don't you play as the military? You don't play as Bin Laden. Man, that would be sick if there was just ISIS, the video game. Have you ever played Plague Incorporated? No.

It's a phone game where you play as a game. Have you ever played Plague Incorporated? No. It's a phone game where you play as a virus. Oh, I love Plague. The goal is to outbreak. I played it on the computer before they even had iPhones. I have the board game version too. There's a board game? Okay, well we know next Snark Week bonus

content. We gotta play Plague with Adam. Yeah, I haven't played it yet. You're supposed to kill the entire world, but Madagascar always shuts down travel and survives you know everyone's like fucking you gotta get to you gotta get to the islands first yeah and you gotta make it as as less you want to get a reservation that onion soup goes quick it's all right it's a great game for racists like if you wake up in the morning with some racist aggression because you have to start your virus in a particular country. So there's a terrorist attack.

You wake up in the morning. You want to fucking drop smallpox on Afghanistan. You just fucking hit that. And it's like, nope, that's India. I'm not a geography major. Somebody in the world that's close enough.

It's like, the Uganda server crashed again. I just, I don't know. Yeah, that is the best when just racist people just don't know the right country. Yeah. Yeah, the two,. Just racist people just don't know the right country. Yeah.

Yeah. The three quickest to shut down is always Madagascar, New Zealand, and Australia. If you get those three, you can win the game. Yeah. Greenland, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I always say when I play on the harder levels, I have the most trouble with Canada because it's like free health care. It's like America, but no one fucking cares. Yeah. So the virus gets there last. You always forget about it. Yeah. It's like America, but no one fucking cares. Yeah. So the virus gets there last. You always forget about it. Yeah. It's the largest country you forget about.

Yeah, you assume they're going to die. It feels like a joke to attack Canada. Right. I'm not going to waste my time doing that. Yeah, as a guy who likes the idea of fighting to the death, I think about the Isle of Man about 12 times a day, but Canada once a week at most. And I have to go there later this year. It also gives you these pop-ups that'll say things like Venezuela has started working

on a cure. And it's like, I don't give a fuck. That's Venezuela. They're not going to find one. What are you going to do? A fancy dance? Get out of here. Do we have guesses on this one?

Yeah, I think it's a CrossFit one. I'm going Animal Crossing. Wait, which one do you mean? Counterstrike. He was playing Wii Sports. Man, Animal CrossFit. Just a jacked badger. All right, so we got Counter-Strike.

Yeah, I'm going Animal Crossing. Counter-Strike. Great answer. Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time. Oh, shit. Yeah, maybe he's not a sword guy. I do not skid on breaking pots like that. This guy also points out there's also a big folder of 16-bit Japanese porn games on here as well.

I wasn't sure how to include it in this game because all the names are written in, and then he used a very inaccurate racial slur. Oh, okay. It rhymes with spook. And round five. And round five, all real or all fake. I really do love that we're crowdsourcing these people.

Round number five, all real or all fake. Which of these movies was or wasn't found on Bin Laden's computer? A, Sex Crimes in the Vatican. B, The Art of Crochet by Teresa. C, Welcome to the 11th Dimension. And D, Loose Change, the 9-11 truth or video. It seems like he just went on, like, Pirate Bay and just went to the browse tab where you just see, like, what's going on today? What's everyone else sketchy downloading?

Crocheting, conspiracy, and I don't know, fuck it, being an animal that knows how to cook. I'm down. Is this all real or all fake? All real or all fake. I'm going art of crochet because I feel like he's got someone making the head thing. Do you think all real? Yeah. Okay.

I think it's all real. All right. I think all fake. Those are all real. Apparently there are 28 videos about crocheting on Ben Blodden's computer. Wow. Dude, fucking weird. You know, that's only, okay, now I know two people.

Yeah, and you can't bring crochet needles on an airplane anymore because of him. That would be the right place to get some work done. I know it would be. Two people into crocheting, Ben Lawton and my mom, and I don't know, I didn't know that was a thing really outside of my family. People crochet, I thought it was knitting.

My grandma taught me to crochet when I was a boy. Ah, okay. Yeah, my mom does it. Therefore, Tom's mom did 9-11. Yeah grandma taught me to crochet when I was a boy. Ah. Yeah, my mom does it. Therefore, Tom's mom did 9-11. Yeah. Ah, that's what I've been saying. That's every word to the phone. Love you, mom.

Thanks for sending that in. Keep sending your shit to meanboyspodcasts at gmail.com. We will be right back with your questions right after this. Prep, prep. Whatchoo. Hey, cool cats. Get ready to dig on the sensual sounds of Tom's Poetry Corner. I peer through your eyes and see the complex tides. You hear my insecurity that I bury deep inside.

Two beings become one and I forget where my dreams reside. You also have a peg leg. Your beauty is unmatched, stunning, and unique. I am captured by your essence when your surroundings are so bleak. It makes my knees so weak and my courage so meek, except for that peg leg. Leg that is peg. You are a complete 10 minus one leg I always need to hold you but only above the waist a victim of fortune and that fortune is missing one leg but alas I have two I slide into you, we breathe, in unison, hearts pumping, heaving, gasping, music drowning out our moans, our tension, our relief.

Why is the next song playing nickelback? It continues, our love heating the air, our love moistening the air. Hands grasping hands. Hands sliding back and forth on our untamed fiery flesh. Lost in each other's eyes. Lost in each other's souls. Why does your iPod have two back-to-back Nickelback songs? Whispering. Screaming.

Shivering. Thrusting. Riding like animals. But there's more humanity than ever. We approach the end, the climax, what then? You guide my thrusts as it is my thrusts that guide you. A third fucking Nickelback song. This is how you remind me.

This is how you remind me. This is how you remind me what I really am. This is how you remind me. This is how you remind me what I really am. It's not like you to say sorry.

Open story. Mistaken. And now a clip from today's Patreon bonus episode with Kyrie Shabazz. I want to get right into it today. We got one of my favorite dudes joining us in the studio. Mr. Kyrie Shabazz is here. What's up, y'all? I'm honored to be here, finally.

Yeah, I know. Kyrie is our neighbor now. And I found this out because I was filling up at the gas station on the corner and someone called me the N-word. And I was like, surely there's someone

behind me that I don't see and someone else that knows him and I turn around and it's you and you're like, oh, you live here too?

You gave me the face of like, I don't have time for your black story. You know what I mean? Like, you know that classic black story? Like, my car broke down.

I just need $8. Yeah, it's just some very specific small amount of money. I just got out of jail. I'm trying to get home for Thanksgiving. My girlfriend is pregnant. The dog is sick. So you gave me that look.

It seems like your family would be more liberal. Yeah. Like, you know, minority friendly. But it seems like your family especially yours tom would be like the real spitting in a can make sure he doesn't do anything when he leaves i grew up a buddhist yeah tom is like hippy dippy super liberal yeah went to a fucking school right a dancer in a maypole in sixth grade.

Fucking. You had to pole dance? No, Keith's family are just people that got kicked out of a Slipknot show. It's all fucking. My family is just straight up racist. Are you white, though? Am I white? I never believe it.

I got a little Samoan floating around. I believe it. But it's like way more white. Yeah. I'm like Trailer Park white, where it's just sun-drenched and just gross. That's the worst Sherwin-Williams color is Trailer Park white. It's just brown. Yeah, just the color of cigarette stains.

Yeah, it's just like when you leave a palm all butt in a bottle of water. It's that color. Yeah. Well, you grow up especially black, because you're telling me about some of the shit. I measured it. Because you're telling me about it of the shit i measured it yeah because you're telling me about my meter is off the charts i've wanted to have you come in here and explain yaku to people for the longest time if you don't mind i'd be interested to hear about it yaku uh i remember

i first told you about him the main thing you couldn't believe is that he was a scientist or there was a scientist a black scientist yaku was basically uh it's a it's a black scientist. Yaku is basically a fraction of Islam that believes white people, Tom, Connor, a portion of whatever the fuck this alone is. I know, I was like, yeah, Connor and Tom. 96% of

Keith. He basically was this guy, he created white people, so he would take the lightest people in the tribes the tribe of shabazz i believe so i gotta double check that but it's an ancient islam tribe in africa he took the lightest people and he'll make them breed and he'll take their babies and make them breed until he got like the lightest lightest you know and that's believed why our sperm is white because of him because of all the mixing.

Wait, so sperm was black before? I guess so, yeah. If I'd not talked about this on the show, as a little kid, I thought, because I had white cum, I was like, I feel like your, I thought your cum was just whatever skin tone you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That's something, I was just a dumb kid, but yeah. Every time someone spilled a Pepsi, you thought your mom was getting fucked by a black guy on the DL. The first time I watched Black Born, my mind

was blown. I was like, oh shit, it's white still. You could thank Yaku. He was doing that. What I like is that they called him a scientist just because he made people fuck. Yeah, you know, science, YouTube. The bar was

really low back then. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns. To answer your questions and listen to your voicemails, read your comments, all that and more in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog?

It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. If you want to drop us a line, you can do it at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. Tweet us your questions every week when the post goes up. Or drop us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. That is 304-805-6326 for all you simpletons out there. Before we dig into the tweets here, I do want to point out on Monday with Mike Lawrence, we did Twitter Shuffleboard, our game where we do Twitter names and if they're not taken, our fans all scoop them up. So like Hitler69, 420 got taken, a bunch of those. Undercover Dan is now one of ours.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Shouts out. And I've got Undercover Dan has tweeted three times, oh boy, no one can see me under the covers. Some other bullshit. And then I followed another Dan just to know how to act like a dan do your undercover research shout out to undercover dan he's got a question in here uh what are everyone's favorite conspiracy theories that they believe in or want to believe in oh

that's a good one i don't know if we this we've already done an hour so yeah yeah don't know if we've already done an hour. Yeah, yeah, don't fucking get me started. My favorite is that Elvis faked his death and joined the witness protection program. I 100% believe that. Adam and I did something that's kind of a bit, and then we became, as you said, Elvis truthers. Is that like a real theory? Oh, yeah, but there's a lot of evidence. My favorite website, I plug it all the time on the conspiracy podcast that fbi.vault.gov yeah okay and that's where all they put all of their freedom of information act

requests like when people request stuff they post it there right yeah and just go on there and search elvis and look through those documents oh shit uh yeah and enjoy yourself yeah there is there's a lot of evidence that he fled to argentina and joined the witness protection just hung out with fucking uh because he was he was helping the fbi in their prosecution of the smuggling ring called the fraternity because the fraternity had just stolen $400,000 and an airplane from Elvis and his dad. They conned him into thinking they were going to do this contract where they would fix up his airplanes. Right. And he was like, all right, man.

And they fucking, he gave them $400,000 to secure the contract and was like, all right, take this plane and fix it. And they just took the fucking plane. Man. And the money. Yeah. That's one of the ballsiest heists. It's crazy to think that Forrest Gump inspired this guy. He's just one of those guys that's really into the rule of law, too.

Yeah. Where he's just like, yeah, I'm going to get the criminal karate. It's the perfect end to his career. That's the only thing he had. I stole my plane and then I died shitting. Like, if he did that, I'm so happy for him. Because, you know, he just got to, like, sit, hang out in Cuba all day being like, I stopped the fucking drug cartel and I made everybody come home.

My favorite version of the Elvis is alive theory is, have you ever seen the movie Baba Hotep? No. It's an insane horror movie where the premise is that uh elvis switched places with an elvis impersonator in like oklahoma like at the height of his fame then that guy got all crazy and od'd and died and this guy just grew up and was just like an old poor person and he ends up in a retirement home where he has to fight a mummy whoa okay he has to fight a mummy with a black guy who says he's jfk and he was put there by the government and died black so no one would believe it. The guy who directed John dies at the end.

I'm not going to lie. A lot of the horror movie descriptions you give me, I'm not very interested in. I would watch this movie with you in a heartbeat. It's a legitimately amazing movie. It sounds like a complete clusterfuck that I would absolutely love. We'll watch it together. Yeah. I think my favorite conspiracy theory that i kind of

believe is that there's a whole tunnel system the government uses underneath us and i've just seen i've seen some proof over there i haven't seen proof but like i've heard some convincing arguments and it's also like ah fuck it i don't really you mean somebody told you it's true yeah well i mean there's like a straight up like famous person tunnel at lax you know like there's like shit yeah well they have those at uh the like the in la like the city hall and the court and stuff yeah yeah underground tunnels it's not it's not to mention denver airport no yeah denver airport is for sure some aluminum have you seen that they're like leaning in on that now yeah yeah on their construction walls they have like lizard people and it's like that's not convincing me that it's not happening yeah

cute about it and you'd be like oh yeah I cheated on you while I was on my business trip. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did, bro. All right, show me the lizards. Yeah. I also, yeah, I mean. Some scary McGuire. I think my favorite.

Show me the lizards. My favorite bad shit one, and me and Keith did a podcast about this at one point, was that the Ice Bucket Challenge was just promoting Satan. And it was connected. Oh, it was fucking bananas. It's pretty good. If there's one thing we know about Satan, he loves ice. Oh, yeah. The organization, not the state of liquid.

It's great cover. It's like, oh, no, this couldn't be the devil. It's so cold. It's this religious nut lady. Satan in a big parka. Out in fucking, oh, damn, somewhere in California. One of those hell places in California. Like India or some shit.

Yeah, yeah. And she's just like, see? The water's cold, just like Satan. Here's the connective tissue. And you're just like, what the fuck? You ran me through all that. Who told you that? Is it still on iTunes?

I don't know if it is. Okay, well, go look for it. Isn't it like the satanic baptism is like a bucket of cold water? Yeah, it was shit like that. There was enough connection where you kind of see the math she did, but then, of course, she gets four stats before she's like, and Obama, and you're like, yeah. Yeah, she starts dropping Obama. And then Game of Thrones gets involved.

Yeah, she gets Game of, yeah. I forget how it all put together, but it is insane. There's a video of a woman explaining why Monster Energy Drink is satanic. Oh, it's probably the same lady. Oh, yeah. Because this is what she does for a living. But yeah, she thought... And at the end of that,

she has this moment where she's just like, see? And I'm still like, no, not really. Get a little sponsored by Red Bull. Red Bull, it goes to heaven. Red Bull, it gives your madness away. She thought pouring ice water over your head was retweeting the devil. She's fucking a little out there retweeting the devil.

Who is the worst podcast guest? Someone who you very strongly disagree with to the point of anger and derailment or someone who can't be bothered to even feign interest in the topic. Second one. Second one, I think. We can deal with fireworksign interest in the topic. Second one. Yeah. Second one, I think. We can deal with fireworks. We can't deal with duds.

Yeah. Yeah. Anybody who's just like not into being on a podcast, I just feel bad for making them be there. Yeah, because we're a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we really are.

And we've got a few people, you know, who are very nice people who I like, who just kind of clam up. And I'm just like, well, I just wasted your afternoon. Right. I'll give you an analogy, listener. It's like if you, okay, imagine you play acoustic guitar at a restaurant, right? That's your gig, and they give you 200 bucks, and they say, oh, I'll put together a set list, provide some ambiance.

And if no one's into it, and you're playing quiet James Taylor songs, you know, and shit like that, it's not that bad. But if you're eating shit, and you're doing Tenacious D full energy, that sucks. You know? Yeah. It feels like playing Slipknot in a coffee shop. When you bomb being like, because I do dirty humor.

And when I go up and I bomb and I'm just like, and another thing about the butthole. It's just like, oh, I feel like such a fucking idiot. And then they're pussy farted blood. Yeah. And they're just crickets. Have you ever had a real blowout guest besides the the toxic randall incident oh people that i've fought with fought with or just had somebody like also who wanted didn't they don't they someone now wants us to fight on online or something what's the deal with that

oh yeah people are always trying to to like get contra like yeah they trying to get tension going between us. I don't fucking have time for that. Yeah, nor us. That's insane. We could all just be friends, too. Yeah, we're busy hugging you while behind your back we siphon fans out of your network. Yeah, I'm not. I'm here to get some of yours.

I assumed you've picked up new ones recently. Oh, yeah, we've stolen. Enjoy the new Real House Podcast guys we've stolen. Exactly. Those will be fun. I hope you're ready for a lot of racist eggs. I am, actually. Well, there you go.

They're coming. Yeah, I didn't know you could prepare them hard-R boiled. Yeah, you're about to get some really unpopular opinions. What is the most entertaining excuse you've used to dodge going to work? I feel like you've got some good ones, probably. I'm on crack. That would be one i you you called out of work at work just because ice cube was there right yeah that's 100 true ice

cube was at disneyland i literally called in sick from the ship that was walking to you i'm like i'm gonna follow ice cube around for a while yeah yeah see what pans out i called in sick to work at a telemarketing job once and said i had pink eye and then realized it was also payday and I had to go in and pick up my check. Oh, shit on your. I did. I spent like 10 minutes just poking my fucking eye so I could go in and get my check my boss is all fucking salty at me because the night before i had told her i needed to leave early because the last bus that i could catch to get home was running so i had to leave like an hour early and then she watched me from one of the windows apparently walk out and just

get into a car and drive away and then i called in the next day and went to get my check. Man, that is some shady shit. But it was a telemarketing job. It's not like they were going to fire me. Speaking of pink eye, I was talking to my girlfriend the other day. Somehow she was talking about her friend who got pink eye. And she was like, well, you've had it. And I was like, no, I never got pink eye. And she goes, really?

And that was really hurtful that she's just like, I see how you live. Surely you've had shit on your eyeballs. I've never had bingo. When Tom and I had that job trying to get people to register to vote outside the Glendale Public Library, and I'd go back and only got like two people, I'd be like. Well, Pasadena. Let's not underplay how. Oh, Pasadena, right.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, oh, yeah, there's a drum circle. It was kind of killing my business. People couldn't hear my pitch over the drum circle. Which translates to, I went to Chipotle for a while. Yeah, exactly. For real.

Yeah, I think my go-to excuse is, hey, I have to go to the psych ward, but I'm also in the psych ward, so it pans out. They're like, well, this is a pay. The line did disconnect, and I got a payphone voice I haven't heard since I heard that Carrot Top punchline. If you want to call this number and then talk to i don't know whatever person who screams uh you could go ahead and do that but whichever version of all three brains jeff answers the phone i think i think when i got locked inside the house here i had a show that night and i had to cancel telling them yeah i got locked inside my house oh dude that was i mean i that sucked that that happened but that was one of the funniest things

Of my whole life Is just Tom Just like And you also didn't have shoes For some reason Yeah the shoes were in the car And the car was outside Where am I

I think Yeah fuck God Why am I a cartoon Your whole life is like Boring Forrest Gump Where there's no You don't meet any presidents

You just Lose your shoes Yeah what if Yeah Spiraling Forest You mentioned Pink Eye Forrest Gump, where there's no, you don't meet any presidents. You just lose your shoes. Yeah, what a forest. Yeah, a spiraling forest. You mentioned pink eye. I guess I mentioned pink eye first. Like, the nastiest area. There's no pink eye in team.

It's fine. The nastiest area of my life is my contact lenses. Like, I sleep with them in. I never fucking take them out and clean them. And I went to an eye exam a couple years ago and the guy fucking pulls back from the eye like an eye exam is a routine thing you expect him to go all right well here's your prescription and he pulls away and goes well we have a problem i was like no we don't it's a fucking eye exam this is is fine. I had, from wearing the same pair of contact lenses for like six months straight, I had

pink eye, but inside my eye. Oh, she had a pink brain. Oh, no. It was an ulcer on my cornea. Oh, holy shit. God. And he was like, listen, don't take this lightly. Do everything I tell you right now or you're going to lose your eye.

Whoa. And I was like, what the fuck? I had to stay up. At first he was like, you need to put this ointment in your eye every hour and the drops in your eye every half hour. And I was like, cool.

How long do I have to do that? He was like, 24 hours. Don't sleep. Don't let yourself fall asleep. You will lose your eye so i had a doctor tell me to stay up 24 hours straight after i'd been up for like 15 16 hours he was like fucking red bull meth whatever you need yeah yeah you're like do i still have that guy's number from that job i had are you still down at the Best Western getting high? Yeah. Holy

shit. Wow. Yeah. Take care of your contact lenses. Yeah, I've always had two on. I don't think I'd heard that one. God damn. Now that LA has an abundance of NFL teams, have you encountered any issues with unruly fans? We have no civic pride in LA about that shit. Yeah. Dodgers

probably more than anything. Dodgers, yeah. Dodgers. now there's some kings ones because they were good but they're they're like few and far between it's mostly dodgers no la doesn't give a fuck about football everyone in la is a bigger fan of themselves yeah it's a horrible sports we are that shitty kid who we got a very nice christmas present and we never play with it like yeah for sure did we get the chargers? Chargers and the Rams. Oh, we got two? And we're getting an XFL franchise. Oh, hard pass. Oh, fuck that.

I'm going to every game with that. I only call to be commentators for the XFL. That might be the one job Tom can get really, really easily. Oh, yeah. I honestly think Orange County is a better sports town than Los Angeles proper. Yeah, people fuck with the Angels in the past. Yeah, well, you know what it is? It's even Anaheim, which is just like a series of, like, event centers

that's not really a city. Yeah, it's just a satellite of Denny's surrounding Disneyland. Yeah, but there's, like, 20 suburbs of crack houses and then, you know, town hall, Disneyland, and then arenas. And they're like, yeah, there's great fans. The three meth motels I lived in as a child and California Adventure. Yeah. Yeah, no, L.A., it's like, oh, you're wearing a jersey.

In fucking Orange County, if you're wearing the sports team jersey, you end up talking to people about the game and what's going on in the standings. L.A. doesn't give a fuck except for maybe baseball. Yeah. Yeah. And even then, like I say all the time, going to a Dodgers game is like going to a gang truce. Everything's fine for now. So funny. But you know it might not be.

It's fucking unruly. I hate it. Undercover Dan writes, have you ever needed to go undercover to avoid being seen by fans, angry exes, or family? Man, Undercover Dan is committing to this bit. I love Undercover Dan so far. Me too, man. No profile pic. Why would he have one? We need to send Undercover Dan to do

undercover reporting for us. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like that. Hitler69420, where's your theme questions um dude did you ever eat pussy high while being hitler being you ever have sex into shower have i yeah i definitely have avoided people that i just like i i like if when i'm out of the mental stamina to be like uh charming or friendly or whatever i'm like for everyone's sake let's just get to the car go home and go to bed you know what i'm saying yeah i i what will benefit from more me not at all i always bring a hoodie and a hat whenever i have a show in case i want to just disappear afterwards in plain sight because i'm not great.

I have a very undercover personality. You do, yeah. Yeah, and a lot of people don't get that impression of me because I'm very loud and obnoxious most of the time. But when you're quiet, you just look like a guy who's hiding in a Scorsese movie. Right, yeah, yeah. You just kind of have the energy of someone

who knows they're going to be tracked down eventually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like you swam from Alcatraz 12 years ago and they're going to be tracked down eventually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like you swam from Alcatraz 12 years ago, and you're like, I've had a good run. I've got to just enjoy every day that I have. Yeah, the moment you've got my name on it, it's just how fast it's going. It always sucks, too, because I enjoy talking to people, especially people who enjoy the show or other comedians. But my ex told me one time, like, yeah, when we go out to do stand-up, know i don't want to talk to anyone but my friends you don't even want to talk to your friends and i'm like

yeah that's kind of it's kind of accurate yeah i don't i don't mind hanging out after shows i don't usually have to sneak out that way for me it's seeing other comics in public it freaks me and i'm just like am i in the fucking mood for this yeah like i'm at the grocery store and it's like yeah maybe i need tampons i'm gonna fucking go up here i don't know what that motherfucker down there i'd rather see randolph at the gym who's in great shape and i just go pick up my pink 12 pound weight and do you uh and he'd be like hey what's up man and he drops a fucking barbell with 245s and he he just said, just doing some deadlifts. What are you doing?

I'm like, I don't know. Just this video I saw for moms. And memorized the calisthenic routines. And then he started. I wrote some joke about the jam. And he's like, the 24-hour fitness in downtown misses you, bro. And I was like, damn it, Steven. You're making me feel bad.

And one more Twitter question. Actually, that's it for the shorter questions, which means, drumroll, ride into the goddamn voicemails. We've gotten a good amount right now, right? Yeah, we got a lot this morning. Yeah, I love it. Thank you, pig children, or whatever we've decided to call you now. Yeah.

All right, so let's see what's going on. Oh, fuck, I see waiting room for vasectomy here, and I'm already stoked. That clock is ticking. It's Matt. So I was just listening to your most recent episode while I was waiting in the waiting room to get my vasectomy. Yeah. You guys were talking about getting a handjob from a hooker with a condom on. What?

This is crazy. Oh, that was Nathan Hurd. He was telling us a story about getting a birthday prostitute in Canada. I called you guys back in September to tell you, for the Ren and ZZ Show, to tell you about when I got a handjob on the back of the school bus on 9-11.

I thought it was weird that you guys didn't play it on air. Turns out I totally called the wrong number. 15-minute voicemail about me getting a handjob on 9-11. It's great. It was a good work or something. Fuck, dude.

Matt, thank you for that. There were so many moving parts to that. Some guy, 304-805-6327, just is like, what the fuck is going on? Sir, we're the last Radio Shack, and I don't know what you want us to do with this information. God damn. That was a good one. Yeah, we would have absolutely played that. I'm always glad that you called the wrong number so we could play it now. I'm going to set a calendar up for the next 9-11 to play that for him i've never been more proud of my like my fans our fans than that started

with a vasectomy and ended with 9-11 and there were a lot of hand jobs in the middle in honor of tom there was an easy to fix logistical stake a mistake in the middle yeah there were two hand jobs and an albino in the middle what a basic. 9-11 was a vasectomy of sorts. Yeah, really. Really snipped. Yeah, what were those if not the sperm-producing testicles of finance, the trade centers? In Tower 7, that was like the pineal gland.

Alright, next one here. Boys, I'm just going to say that I'm incredibly enjoying the new Snark Week. Snark Week 2, the sketches and the jokes are just hilarious. I've just been at home just laughing my ass off as I've been working.

My question to you guys is if you had to be locked in a room for 24 hours with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? And thanks again. I mean, I pretty much am this week. One R Maynard.

By the way, everyone who keeps tweeting at us, like, is Randall going to be a special guest for Snark Week? No. I'm just going to burst that bubble now so you're not pissed off at us on Sunday. Yeah, yeah. That's not the special guest. Here's the thing. So many of you tweet us that you don't really want what that would be.

It would be nine minutes of Connor very efficiently beating the shit out of Randall and Randall getting bummed out about it. And then there would just be another hour of a bad podcast around it. I don't really like being angry that much. I like Randall. Randall's a very nice guy. He's been very nice to me.

I think he's a good guy too, but here's the thing. We're two grown-ups that happen to rub each other the wrong way. And, like, why do that to anybody? I mean, sure, it's fun every once in a while. If somebody wants to set up some sort of live event where they yell at each other, that would be fun. Some sort of Lincoln-Douglas debate where we just put the hat in the middle and be like, here's why it's bad, bro. Yeah. You've got to be locked in a room with one person for 24 hours.

Fuck. Fuck. I don't know, man. I'm always bad at these questions. So is this someone you want to be locked in a room with one person for 24 hours. Fuck. Fuck, I don't know, man. I'm always bad at these questions. So is this someone you want to be locked in a room with? Oh, Henry Kissinger, I kill him immediately and fuck his corpse. Oh, man, you stole my idea for whoever I put in there. Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, I don't even know how to answer these, yeah. And if you think that's rude, listen to Conspiracy of the Show and learn about the Gulf of Tonkin incident. Jesus, I want credit for killing him. You want credit for killing Christ? Yeah, there we go. Oh, Tom, you really took the Jews' whole resume. Come on.

Yeah, why did they get all the credit? I can do that. Tom's like, hmm, I want to take away from their legacy, but I don't know anything about banking. I could kill a guy, though. Yeah, killed Christ, good credit, bad hair. Yeah, somehow I have the best credit on the show which was... And hats that don't fit. They were making fun of me because

I had one credit card and I was like, yeah, just use it for parking and I pay it off. They're like, you use it for parking? Dib shit. And I have the best credit by far. Connors is decent. Keith doesn't exist and And I have fantastic. Yeah, I genuinely have no credit rating.

So everyone. They're just like, we don't know who you are. Yeah, yeah. The government was just like, I don't know. He's a fucking dust in the wind, man. Like, what do you want? Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't have a good answer for this question. Yeah, me neither, really. Yeah. Sorry about that, man. My question was great. All right. What do we think? Do we want the 153. What do we think?

Do we want the 153 one or do we want just a quick one? Let's do a quick one because we've been recording quite a bit. Yeah. We got a whole lot. I got to go walk my dog. Yeah. Okay. This is kind of a funny one. Hey, this is Biggity Bob from Sacramento.

Yeah, Biggity. I'm calling to find out a little bit more about Connor's date at Last Unlimited in Sacramento, find out whether or not Keith and Tom are going to make the trip up. Fuck everything, God is dead. Howdy, y'all. I didn't want to Google the phone number for the club, so I figured. Hey, y'all. Yeah, I don't want to just see Connor.

So if the other guys are there, I'd like to know showtimes, ticket prices. And if not, you can just delete this. If someone will pay me, I'll come feature for Connor. I'm not headlining. I'm featuring for somebody. Shit. All right. Well, yeah, dude.

Well, if somebody wants to pay me less than that headliner, Connor can feature for me. I will undercut any road hack. Just call the club and tell them to book us. Yeah, you can do that. Honestly, clubs, if they get requests for certain comedians, they'll consider booking them more. All right, Bob, I need you to do some undercover Dan shit. I need you to call the club sporadically but do different voices and pretend to be different people telling them to book the meet and greet. Or maybe don't because I work there once a year and I have a good time.

Yeah, but I don't. Yeah, got it, but we don't, because I work there once a year, and I have a good time. Yeah, but I don't. Yeah, got to point, we don't, so fuck you. Yeah, January 4th through 6th if you want to come out. All right. Hello, this is Biggity, uh, Brat. All right, here we go. Mean boys. Oh, God damn it, don't play this.

God fucking shit. And on that note That's our show For this week Adam thanks for coming by Dude Hey thank you for having me It was fun man

I really appreciate it It was a lot of fun All the shit on the Unpops Network Anything in particular You want to plug You gotta listen to Conspiracy the Show With me and Adam

That's a fun one Yeah and all 70 Of your other shows You have so many shows So many That one's fun Cause I get to just be Gareth Reynolds

At Adam Steers And I just go What if they used mind control on bugs? Yeah, check out Conspiracy the Show. It's a really fun podcast. And also, December 29th, we're doing a live Unpops podcast comedy show and New Year's Eve party at the Hollywood Hotel. Yeah. At 9 p.m.

That's free. So fucking come to that. And right after that, I want you to hop on a Concorde jet and fly to come see me in Ontario, Canada. I want you to charter a rocket helicopter. A rocket copter. Yeah, no, go to that. Those Hollywood Hotel shows are fun.

I'm bummed I haven't been able to do any of them. Yeah, I had Connor. I like the Halloween one that was the Christmas show. That was one of the funniest ones I've ever seen. I had Connor booked on one for about a minute and a half, and then he immediately plugged something. And then I was like, oh, that's the same day. Yeah, it was on the same day.

Pretty standard McSpadden move. Yeah, and all that shit's over on patreon.com slash unpopped. So, yeah, thanks for coming. You're the old sirenster of this shit. You're one of the guys who gave us our launch pad of stolen fans to start this whole thing. It's what I do.

All right. So thanks, buddy. Fuck everything. God is great. I'm out.