Mean Boys - EP 171 - Sky Goatse (feat. Henry Zebrowski & Kyle Clark)

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

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Hey guys, it's Connor here. Quick editor's note, we had some mild audio issues on this episode. The SD card ran out and we lost about two minutes, so you'll hear that in the middle. It's just going to cut and go to break. And we didn't play a game in the middle of the show like we usually do because things are just flowing so naturally. We're having a good time. But there's going to be plenty more games and all that stuff coming up tomorrow on our episode with Gareth Reynolds. So I just wanted to say I apologize about the choppy audio issues. It hasn't happened in a while.

A shitty time for it to happen, I know. We're very excited to have Henry and Kyle on together, but it won't happen again. So my sincere apologies about that, and thank you for tuning in. What's going on, everybody? Mean Boys Podcast, Snark Week, Day 5. Joined in the studio today by Kyle Clark and Henry Zebrowski. And one of those guys is still here. I bet you won't guess who's still hanging out. It's me, Clark and Henry Zebrowski. And one of those guys is still here.

I bet you won't guess who's still hanging out. It's me, everybody. Henry Zebrowski. Hello. I became an animatronic jump band player at some point. The aliens are coming for us. I like the devil. VIP member you found.

It was a very fun episode. It was very nice of Henry to stop by. And it was expected of Kyle. It would have been rude if he didn't. But yeah, Kyle also didn't get to talk very much this episode because Henry just was a machine gun of enjoyment. It's almost like he's funnier than all of us combined forever. Yeah. And this is actually counterproductive because the people who are just listening to hear him have already just 15 seconds forward, 15 seconds forward, 15 seconds forward.

No, for a minute they're like, oh, he's on the intro. Oh, yeah. What a convincing ass man. Oh, I've been careful. I'm very tall, but I'm also pretty nice. Yeah, but a couple quick Kyle orders of business we want to get out of the way. You're, of course, the host of the This Is Rad podcast from whom we stole most

of our audience. Hey, guys. You are putting on a new album you just cut a couple days ago. Literally on Monday. Yeah, so tell us about what those things are. I went out to Atlanta to the Star Bar and recorded one of them audio comedy albums there. It's going to be called... Felt insecure about it, had to talk about it using an accent afterwards. Yeah, you can tell.

Yeah, it's going to be called Absolute Terror, and it is going to be out probably at the end of January on my new label, Radland Records. Yeah. Yeah, so that'll be exciting. And inspired by This Is Rad, a podcast where you and a group of pals just talk about things you enjoy. Yeah. Which, again, I always say is an idea that I hate from anyone but Kyle. And I would agree with you. That's how much I like the guy.

If I didn't run the show, I'd also be annoyed by it. Yeah, so that's going on. The community around Snark Week has been wonderful. I'm really enjoying all the goofy shit you guys sent in. Still the funniest tweet of the week. We'll get a beanie. So I don't want to blow the results, but the man to beat right now is the King of the Hill,

Lion King, Keith and Tom photo shot. Yeah, that is... That one's pretty delightful. Pretty good ones, but that one's... The clueless one made me laugh. Yeah, that was good. The King of the Hill. Pretty good ones, but that one's... The clueless one made me laugh. Yeah, that was good. The King of the Hill one

is a fucking work of modern art. Guys over here in the corner. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of tentacle porn out there that could have Keith and Tom's face put on them.

Oh, yeah. There's no reason we can't superimpose us over the little suction cups. Why would Connor not put that on? I mean, I'm just saying,

you could put a little anime lady who's got a bunch of tentacles inside her and puts Keith's face on it oh no a gossipson and then make that a t-shirt and sell it on TeePublic no it's the gossipus

the point is get creative and enjoy yourselves and try to win a free hat speaking of tentacle pornography if you jump over on our Patreon 10 bucks a month gives you access to a new goodie every week. Not every week, every month. Every week we send out merch. It's hot.

Every month we send out a little trinket in the mail. We just sent out the Ramones button from last month. And this month we're doing a Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium fridge magnet. It's got the Mark Malloy logo. It's got tentacles on it. You can know what the date is when you're near your fridge. I don't really know what else you want for it. If you're looking at a sandwich

and you're like, is this sandwich day? You can look and whatever day you've got it, it'll be sandwich day. This is what you actually use it for. You're like, where am I going to put all these coupons for local pizza restaurants? Yeah, underneath the Mark Malloy mask. Keep all the shit you'll never use congealed in one place on your fridge with some other shit you barely want to use. The same way you keep all the shit you don't use in your heart

listening to Mean Boys. And we have daily bonus content coming out during Snark Week through the Patreon, where it's five bucks a month for the weekly bonus content, usually, but daily during Snark Week. Today's guest, oh boy, big get. I don't know how we got him. Kyle Clark again. Oh, man. I had like five hours before the concert I needed to go to was going, so I just chose

to hang out. Yeah, Kyle's been here for a while, and I don't know if he's going to leave. No, I'm digging it. No, it's funny. You live here now, dude. I find usually when I leave the state, I come back and spend an extended amount of time at your guys' place. This is like my secret cool-down spot. This is the fucking cooling chamber.

We're like that Swiss clinic that pumps all the blood out of Keith Richards to get him non-addicted so he can go do the view. Or spiritual dialysis. Yeah, I've got to get all those Tom vibes back in that I've been missing when I leave the state. Jump on our Discord or Reddit. It's fun seeing you guys bounce off each other there. A lot of good shit to get into. Just remind everybody that they've become sellouts who are gay. Yeah, you can talk shit about us.

You probably got some gripes about the show, and Lord knows I'm not reading them. You can go listen to each other. No, I'm kidding. It's really fun watching you guys talk about, I don don't know your dicks or politics or whatever and uh yeah follow us on the socials twitter uh instagram subscribe to our youtube channel where you got all the shows posted up there for you weirdos who like to uh listen to fucking podcasts on youtube leave us an itunes review leave us an itunes review when we get to 500 we will be tasing tom at a mean boys live event yeah you're welcome for that. You should.

It's gonna happen. I mean, it's not like you made a real sacrifice like I did when I tried soup for the first time in my adult life. When I allowed you guys to pry into my deeply upsetting personal life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yours seems like the least, well, his is the least bad. Yeah, what the fuck? For a minute there, you were just like,

my con boy really hates soup. Keith, if I sneeze too aggressively, you flinch. You cannot tell me. I flinch at everything. I have a twitch. That doesn't count. Yeah, from childhood trauma. We're going to explore his mom.

And here's the fucked up part is that $250 was me trying soup. Okay, I'm sorry, but a tase isn't enough for you fuckers. Yeah, well, no, $250 was me trying soup, which is like admittedly a stupid thing to have a hang of about. $400 is having a painful conversation with your mother. That's a tough emotional thing. $500 is tasing for Tom, which is brutally horrible. And here's what I'm not looking forward to

is after that, it wraps around to being my turn again. Wait. And we're going to do something bad to you. What if you guys do for like 600, you guys like frame Ramsey for some crime? No, for 600, Connor gets molested again.

My first draft pitch was 1,000, we get gay married. And then for 2,000, we get gay married But Then for 2,000 we get gay and all And then you adopt Tom Oh yeah We forge your signature We're just like we own you Which would fill my lifelong dream

Of writing you off on my taxes Something I may or may not already do This will be funny When they play it back years from now Remember when they were joking About that getting gay married thing? They've just been happily gay married for years and their son graduated from college this year. Isn't it weird that we keep calling it gay married?

We could just call it married. It's funnier to do. Yeah, and it's like, oh, it's great. Keith has health insurance now. They have a nice little home together up in the valley. They stopped doing comedy. They live in Vermont. Yeah, so that's all going on.

But right now, all I've got to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode with Kyle Clark and Henry Zebrowski. I miss the old days, man. I miss it, man. Now I have things like a TV, and I got a fucking whole setup. We got a studio. I got a seven-pound dog. All that shit changes. You can't lose a seven-pound dog in a pile of your own refuse anymore.

Society frowns upon it. You know what this place is like whenever we have someone that's doing well over? It's like, you know, before you made it fantasy camp. You're looking around, yeah. Because I can see it's all of your clothes are basically hung in tents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is interesting. It's all various pocketing things that can be held up by nails. I like how this is a freestanding, this is just a mattress on what I can only assume a thing that used to carry bodies. Yeah, that's a gurney from the Echo Park Mort.

And a lot of people don't know, they just throw those out after 15 years. They decommission them in the dark. And guess what? If you're a scrupulous dumpster diver like myself, you can make a pretty good pickup. It's a freegan. It's a freegan. Now he gets to walk in every day and say, I slept like the dead.

And then he realizes it is an empty kitchen. He just lets out another swarm of bats every morning. I had that on one pilot season when I came into L.A. I came in, I was set up with a roommate. This guy, I won't name him, but he was like through one of the guys that used to be at UCB. He used to set me with a guy he knew that was in one of his classes that he taught he's like oh he's a good guy you should live with him i was like oh cool so i live with him in his part so i just arrived in los angeles i i'm gonna it's like my maybe my second time in los angeles and i

was invited to like a party that i was like I want to go to. And I showed up. I had all my bullshit. And so he just happened to say, if you need sheets for your bed, you can use some of mine. I have some clean sheets. I was like, great. I bought some stuff. I need to wash it. Whatever.

I'll throw his sheets on the bed. Next day, I wake up. I throw his sheets on the bed. Next day, I wake up. And he finds me in the kitchen. I'm making food. And he's like, did you happen to use any of those sheets I left

for you? And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And he's like, my family owned a mortuary for... Oh, shit. A lot of the stuff from the morgue was actually mixed up in my general

sheets. And I was going to say maybe you shouldn't use some of these sheets because I think they're all from my family's actually mixed up in my general sheets. And I was going to say, maybe you shouldn't use some of these sheets because I think they're all from my family's morgue. And I was like, oh, cool. And then I found out, he's like, but just so you know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I did make some fresh elderberry wine. And he had an entire thing of jams

and old elderberry wine. He was essentially like an old crone, like elderberry murderer that I was in the middle of, and I was like, this is far too unruly. Yeah, that's the favorite wine of vampires, I think. I know. What, elderberry? That's the most ghoulish shit I've ever heard. Unless you live in a lighthouse, you're not allowed to drink that.

I was hanging out with Jack the Ripper's apprentice. You have to grow up in Salem. If this was in Salem, it would be fine. But I don't know. You are not personally in which. You are an improv student. You're drinking the kind of wine that pilgrims use to get turnt. I don't like any kind of alcohol that predates electricity.

Give me something a little more modern. Just normal. Even making your own wine is weird. Yeah, for sure. Unless you're a high schooler that lives in a dry county, you shouldn't be doing any kind of homebrew alcohol. Bruno will fucking blind you.

You can't just make that shit. You need to learn about it, and then you have to grow a taste for Bruno. That Bruno needs to work its way through your organs so you can slowly build an immunity to its pruno that's also a fun day though where you learn which of your friends you've dubbed expendable in high school

because it's the first guy who's going to try it and there's a very specific profile you need I'll try anything I've read Fear and Loathing five times that was me when we that was me when we started fermenting nutmeg on my cul-de-sac. And they were like, well, Connor, you're the youngest and the slowest and the weakest.

So how about you try to get drunk off nutmeg? Who hasn't heard back from colleges yet? Because they're going to go blind. No, we were like 12 or some shit. Looking around your neighborhood, well, no future down there. I guess we're going to get into suburban narcotic alchemy. Yeah, yeah. Was the idea when you're fermenting nutmeg, is it the idea that it's supposed to double for cocaine?

No, it was some shit they wrote on the Erwin vaults where if you leave nutmeg in a jug for a day, something happens. This is anarchist cookbook bullshit. Yeah. This is very like, this is like the tier above Jenkum is where we're operating. It's like, like well I have slightly too much respect for myself to have shit balloons but my mom doesn't check the spice cabinet like she

does the cooking sherry so see if we can't do a little bit of breaking bad science here and have ourselves a festive evening of fucking ghetto intoxication what is it like to be drunk on just cooking sherry I don't know. I never really,

that was like one of the only times I ever did anything like that. I just kind of just got a wild hair. I was kind of the bitch of my group when I was younger. I understand.

So I'm sure those guys could tell. Those guys, last time I saw them, they're like still like drug guys but they're kind of like the nerdy

science-y drug guys. They're going to school for hydroponics and shit. Putting DMT in their butts. Let's figure that out. They're psycho-knots. Yeah. Last time I saw them, they were like, yeah, we school to for hydroponics and shit dmt in their butts let's figure that kind of shit they're psycho knots yeah right last time i saw him they're like yeah we went to knots berry farm and we saw this cactus you can make peyote out of so we just cut it off and walked out with it over our shoulder like nothing happened and they didn't get stopped so they're

just they just did like fucking broad daylight cactus oceans 11 at knots berry farm here's why i know which is the most chino unambitious thing you can do. It really is. Here's why I know they're wrong. I worked at Knott's Berry Farm. If there was any way to make peyote out of anything there, we would have figured it out. It's hours of staring at fucking rubes. Yeah, you have to be able to cut a shot.

For sure they got home after they put it in the flatbed. They're looking at the front. You know what? It's pink flowers that we were looking for. This is purple flowers. We stole a useless cactus. Immediately fucking throwing up black vomit. Oh, fuck!

I got an accounting test. I'm supposed to go to accounting class. Can you imagine that? Just all three of them, man. Because anybody can be a doctor. It's just in that same... It's true. It's true.

Any fucking asshole can just be a doctor. They just, yeah, anyone can cheat off tests and fucking get that. One of the guys I'm talking about is in the fucking Air Force,

so I mean, anybody can do a lot of things, really. I think Air Force, don't you just have to be a certain height and have perfect vision? Yeah, I think so, yeah,

because that guy is a fucking goon. Helps me be good at beach volleyball. Yeah. He's just this, like, alpaca-faced skateboard chud who just is like,

oh, yeah, for sure. You're just kind of like never really... Dude, I'm gonna fucking shred the air, bro. My goal is fucking you get used to the plane part of it, dude,

and then you get the chair part of it and I get to blow up fucking citizens in my chair, dude. Heel flips over Baghdad, bro. Yeah. The way I see it,

it's basically just World of Warcraft with indigenous people. PvP, no fucking bots. All right, no bots. Just straight up. That's got to be trippy. That's got to be hard for them, too. I wonder if they have to go through a certain special, like, psychological either test or speak with people. The fact that you could just sit in the chair you're sitting in right now.

Oh. And you got a little joystick and you're just sit in the chair you're sitting in right now. Oh. And you got a little joystick, and you're just blowing up dissidents, and every once in a while you see, like, a child's face splashed, like, across the thing. Oh, but you see it in that weird photo, negative black and white radar vision, you know, and just like, oh, how does that not haunt you forever? It's that Evangelion thing where he's just dead-eyed, hitting the target over and over again. I mean, those guys were into, like, so much of that great,

sketchy, early internet stuff is where I kind of get it from. Like, they were friends on, you know, a fucking... Whatever the old version of Discord was where people would talk to each other for video games,

they would hang out with this, like, 35-year-old loser Australian guy that, like, cleaned strip club bathrooms and would fight Aboriginals, like, on the weekends.

And they're just like, this guy's awesome. But he knew the Newground games with the best boobs. Yeah, but it's all the shit that's cool to hateful 12-year-olds. That guy's lived the life of where he's like, I am the coolest

guy if you have no future, are 14, and live in Southern California. There was a very specific window in my life where I would have just been like, what is it like to be God? Cool, cool. Because they haven't changed. This guy, get this, has a debit card, most of a driver's license, and over $300. He'll have kings.

And access to a didgeridoo. Jesus Christ. I don't think any of that shit's changed. I think kids are like, because I remember even just in our times of growing up in the internet, it's like we were gifted the internet. Anybody between the ages of 32 and 37 lived that horrible life where they were just like, one day we didn't have shit. And the next day I saw so much gape. Like so much gape. Immediately it was like my 12-year-old fingers understood the keyboard.

I knew nothing else about the internet. But I just typed in lesbian schoolgirl. Honestly, didn't even know that those were keywords that I should have known. And then the tomes. Just the wall of fucking new discoveries. Like, I used to do this. I didn't really know the key terms. So I would just Google image and name and just, like, Jenna.

And just scroll until I got to like oh there's a hot jenna you know my uh my neighbor went to go talk at his high school like he did a thing where he went to go talk about the wonders of working in show business because he's a commercial director and basically he says there's no fucking god like that was just know that there's no such thing as pleasure um you're fucked they came and they were were – nowadays it seems like the high schoolers are very much like Luddites. They don't look at the phones. They're super into like being like helpful towards society. And I was like they're going to get eaten alive.

Oh, yeah, for sure. It's going to be hard out there. Because they're going to have to go – when they get out of their little fucking incubator – that's why I hate college campuses. Not like any PC thing. I just don't like that it's this insulated little fairy village where you can just walk to any restaurant you want to go to and there's a magic card your parents fill with money and then there's just

a bookstore full of fun trinkets. And you're filled with inspiration. And you just go to the park and you play frisbee and I'm just like, this is preparing you to be destroyed. Yeah, all that fucking hope ain't gonna pay the rent. Because I go to do the shows with these people and they're nice enough folks like I get along with the kids or whatever but I'm just like

you are so delicate like I have you like I'm I feel lucky that I dropped out of community college and started living as a comedian scumbag because I'm just like this house that the sorrow in this home in the doorknobs it's like this is a good place yeah sharp because in order to, you have to be as good as possible to get out of

this house. I was just talking about this last episode. Every morning, I wake up to a possible electric fire. It inspires you to get up and work. It's bad that I'm comfortable here. For Tom, the guy living in the kitchen,

you're like the hobo who's like, one day I'm going to have three walls. Lo and behold, you do. You really do. Well, you make a pyramid out of it. You're going to lay them on top of each other. It's like a hard tent. I called it my big boy teepee. I made a drywall teepee, and man.

It all changes, unfortunately. Honestly, it does. I feel like that's the problem with the idea of increasing and furthering in the businesses. Then the idea of what you're used to raises, and then unfortunately, happiness goes. Happiness just slides out of the drain. You know what's funny is that even though we live like this, like this is all done three dudes in a house. Every graphic or anything you see is just me sitting on my laptop in this shitty room that everyone comes in and makes fun of.

And we're already getting, man, Mean Boys used to be more raw. I'm like, fuck you. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my health insurance next year. I have no fucking savings account, alright? I have to go get back on food stamps, but everyone's like, you guys sold out. I'm like, to who?

I don't have dry socks. I'm wearing wet socks. I didn't sell out. I got fucking robbed. I haven't had a real job since I was 21. I live in constant fear. Eat shit. Dude, that happened to me after fucking Wolf of Wall Street.

Yeah, I believe it. I couldn't get work for dick. I couldn't get anything. It was a bunch of periods. I had to go back to temping. I remember being in a temp office and having someone be like, do not just see you in a movie. I'm like, I'm going to fucking come back here with a gun.

Just make everybody feel what I feel. The best one of those is we did the Roast Battle TV show. I do an episode. Chris D'Elia is one of the judges. I'd worked with him in a club for a weekend before. Vaguely know the guy. I'm out headlining a comedy club in Arizona, and I see the Blitz notification for Postmates about a year and a half ago,

and I'm like, hmm, well, that is a tasty Blitz. I mean, 2.5? You don't get that in California. The market's oversaturated. I'm delivering pizzas, and I get one to fucking Chris D'Elia at 3 in the morning. He opens the door, and he's like, what the fuck? Do you live out here? And I was like, no, I'm headlining the other club.

I just wanted to fucking make some extra money. Sweet, sweet pain. He tipped me 40 bucks, so thanks. That's so nice. Ruben like, take me on tour. Take me on tour. Take me with you. Save me.

I won't do anything bad. I won't creep out to girls. If I would have realized before I'd open the door, I would have rubbed dirt on my face. Here's your pizza, Mr. Deli. I'll help you herd supermodels into a Lamborghini. I'm also sweeping chimneys, if that's something you're interested in. Actually, come to think of it, my last chimney sweep did die. We can bury you up there.

I killed him. No one can prove it. I got a pretty modest house. Only eight chimneys. I live actually on top of the improv. I put a mansion there. It floats. There's a sky elevator.

You'll be teleported up. And then, yeah, just sweep out those eight chimneys twice a day. That sounds good. That sounds like good, honest work. Thanks, Mr. D. I'm saving up for a new frying pan because my roommate got butter calluses on the last one. Could you please be

a little extra gracious with your tip? Yeah, because I know you had Ed Larson here too recently. Yeah, he worked on it with Historical Russ and just fell in love with the guy. He's a fucking delight. He's my older brother. He's the best dude in the world. He's always taking care of me. He's great. He's going to die soon.

It's because of his lifestyle and the way he lives. I know what you mean, dude. It's hard to watch a grand material. Tom's right there. I've got two of them right here. We're racing. I'm going to outlive Tom. Maybe Ed.

I don't know. He's tall. Tall people die. The thing about him being big, too. They really do. Because Ben Kissel from my podcast, He has the active blood clots In his legs And they straight up Just said

They're like His doctor Like these are the things That will kill you They're like They're already The silver bullet Is already loaded in the gun

It's gonna fucking kill you And it just has to work its way up And a lot of times I think that he likes it He's excited for when That sweet release finally Well yeah The idea of dying of giantitis seems pretty

cool it's like being a saint bernard i've always wanted to be taller just like you think about how many like miles of like blood vessels are in you just because of how you're shaped and it's like like operating your body that takes like the fuel we're at a lot like a hummer too you know like it's just so much extra your blood has to go like 20,000 miles farther than even Keith's every day. It needs more nutrients because it's just longer veins. That's a problem when you're just short and fat. Right. We don't have the benefit of the extra veins.

No, we are too many people on not enough subway cars. Yes, exactly. He's a bottleneck. This is like an L train rush hour. It ain't going nowhere. This is a very half-baked like fucking medical theory we've come up with, but I have no doubt I could talk my way onto the Joe Rogan podcast to preach the benefits of vein shortening in like a week if I just committed to it.

He will at least listen to you. He will sit and he'll listen and go like, wow, cool. My buddy, I actually have a buddy who got his vein shortened. You combine that with just snorting elk horn powder every day. He loves that fucking elk, dude. Dude, he's fucking insane. I get it, man. He looks sinister.

Yeah. He's got this so veiny and thick. I mean, it looks good. That's the look I want. I want to go towards. He's eating what a D&D away party eats every day, which is just venison. And he's got the same gear. Yeah, for sure.

He's got all the merch and the bow arrows. Yeah, he's got his quiver that's enchanted so it never runs out of arrows. He's got so much shit. But that's the look I want. I've been thinking about that a lot

in terms of like, when I, because I am going bald. Right. And the idea of like, going bald with it but changing the look as well where it's like,

I'm thinking of leaning towards getting jacked as fuck like doing the thing where I'm like absurdly just like neck thicker than your head big veins in the side of the face yeah yeah not lose the gut I want to have the same

like a Polish Wolverine that's kind of where we're going terrifying eastern tattoos though that are like vaguely shown. No, yeah. When you just become like a big, like, meaty cannonball of cauliflower-ier material. Slapping people. And it's like where your slap hurts, where your handshake hurts.

Oh, yeah, where your hand is just dense. You're like, what the fuck is that? That's what I want. Is there like carbon steel in there somewhere? It's whack-whack. Like a guy with a fucking arm that's like a beaver's tail. Oh. You could fucking knock somebody down with it.

I think that build is purely designed, though, for your Carl Weathers fights the predator moment. Exactly. That is how every one of those men dreams of dying. Just tells a bunch of people to leave and then marches to their death against a creature they can kind of hold their ground against. Joe Rogan is waiting for God to show up so he can fight him until he blows him up like Akira. to hold their ground again. Like that is, that is Joe Rogan is waiting for God to show up so he can fight him

until he blows him up like Akira. Yeah, you should just start doing that on the show where he has new content where he has like people dress up as various

historical characters. Like the Rosen, you could tie it in and have him fucking strangle these guys. Joe Rogan, Muhammad, December 31st

on Netflix. It's all blurred out because I can't show it so it can be anybody playing Muhammad, which is kind of fun because then it could be somebody like me. Oh, for sure. There's no way it's not Ari Shafir at the end of the day. That was actually Henry Zebrowski. Wall Street fame.

Someone can ruin a bar trivia night because of your appearance. By the way, quick sidebar. If you do bar trivia, I would like to ethnically exterminate you. I hosted bar trivia. Oh, I did too. I got fired. Especially, we were just at

a spot when we were in... Where the hell were we just two days ago? We were in Indianapolis. We were sitting there in a nice bar and all of a sudden it was being like, this guy was doing... He thought it was fun to slow down clips of songs so that people could say, and he was a stand-up himself. So he was like throwing out all these, but he was rolling out his best bits and shit. And we're like, it's 10 o'clock tonight, shut the fuck up.

I can't do this right now. I can't be in your world. Yeah, yeah. Well, just people that just like, well, sir, I wrote for the music video that rocked the 80s, number four. Yeah, I had Duran Duran, and I think I should get points because. Get out of here. I'm getting $30 a night. I don't give any fucks.

Well, they would walk up to me, and they'd get halfway through the spiel, and I'd be like, yeah, yeah, that's fine. They'd be like, I didn't even finish the explanation, and I'd be like, I, yeah, that's fine. They'd be like, I didn't even finish the explanation and I'd be like, I don't care. I don't care who wins the free growler and earthworm gym poster. I really don't. Those are real prizes from the trivia night. That shit's very funny.

I hosted it at this bar in downtown LA, which has since been bar rescued and then failed again. But it became like a race car Theme bar It was all just Fucking gnarly Raiders fans And then like five dweebs

Who came for trivia And I remember every week There was one guy Who just after every question Would go Hey Fuck you And I would start trying

To like bounce back And by the end I'm just like Alright there's Fuck you guy You did win the racist headlines round, actually. Fuck you went a long way. One time he decided to try and play trivia,

but for team name every time. The first one was fuck you. The second one was suck my dick. The third one was go Raiders. Bar trivia once, but it was me, Ed Larson, two other friends, and my sister. My sister decided to name the team Tyrannosaurus Rape.

And we were a bunch of regulars playing teams, and they're all used to their kind of shuffle of who won, but we won. And the host's sad admonition, we had to be like, the winner of the final round is Tyrannosaurus Rape. And everyone got so upset because we got the $50

bar tab, which is nice to make a bunch of trivia nerds upset. Which is a king's ransom to the wage slaves that go batshit over bar trivia. You hold four and a half beers. $50. I could like my wife for four hours if I had that kind of money. We'll drink like kings.

Not somewhere good, but like kings. We'll drink like Samoan kings. Air to 48 weird Monopoly dollars that they use. I had a gig hosting where I showed up to the sports bar in Marina Del Rey, and there were two ambulances out front. And it's because before bar trivia, there was a funeral being held for a dead firefighter. And during the eulogy, his best friend had a heart attack and also died. Hell yeah. And then the bartender was like, oh, we're not canceling trivia.

It's still happening. It's still happening. Hey, I'm sorry, Geeks Who Drink. We got something called a contract. All right, now? So you better get in there and ask your questions about Michael Jackson facts. I've only done trivia once, and whether I know the answer or not, I claim to be very confident about giving the answer. So they just get really mad at me because they'd ignore me, but I'd have it right.

And then they'd follow me on the most ridiculous answers possible because I was just the same. Because you're sort of like, well, broken clock. Yeah. At some point, it's going to come up. At some point, go Raiders will be the answer. Like, what did this man yell before stabbing his wife in the eye with a sharp frying pan handle he sharpened on the driveway? Go Raiders! Dude, the amount of Raiders merchandise is like paralleled maybe only by Star Wars.

I dated this girl and her father had a no shit Raiders cookie jar. It was like, once you've gotten past the steering wheel covers, the seat covers, the floor mats. Some of us like to bake. Yeah, yeah. A Raiders cookie jar can only be filled with ammunition. There was fucking cookies in there. That you're going to redo. I'm like, you're keeping your ounce of weed or your Coke.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Go Raiders fucking cookie jar. Or even like a dead homie's ashes. Yeah. This is how we wanted to be stored. Because you were sweet. He was a good friend of mine. Little naughty.

Always baked. I don't have any sports knowledge. I am not a sports man. So it's very difficult for me to have conversations with other men because they want to talk sports because it's a good base thing. And you do look like a guy who would scream at somebody in a corner about hockey for four hours. You've got the working class look that says, I need the Cowboys to win. I have to have the Cowboys

to win. No, unfortunately, it's not like that. It's like, we could talk about Larry Niven books. That's not what you wanted. Alright, let's start raking Ender's Game sequels. Who's down? Fantasy Enders.

The series by his son actually was quite imaginative. Very sad. The show usually begins a different way, but that was a fucking fun conversation. I suppose we should introduce you at some point. Henry Zabrowski joins us in the studio along with old friend Kyle Clark. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Hey, what's up?

It's cool radio. Oh, I didn't know we were being recorded. I'm just that funny all the time. He's always off the cuff, always running. Usually people come in and they're just like, all right, did I sit awkwardly? Are we going? And you were just like, ah! You came and crushed immediately.

Oh, it was great. You start yelling. No, yeah. That's talking to someone who does a podcast. Do you know what it is, too? I feel like that's a part of just in the entertainment industry altogether. It really just comes down to if you can just keep yelling, eventually people will give you money almost to be like,

well, it seems like he's either asking for money or he needs money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's the same logic with when you pass the homeless. I don't know what you're saying exactly, but you're loud and you need help. And if I pay you money, you won't touch my wife? Yeah. You know what's funny? The homeless people are always yelling about the government, and that makes people not trust the government.

They take the idea of not trusting the government less seriously. Right. You know what I mean? I wish we could get homeless people to just not yell about any real problems, just like the fake the birds are making me gay or whatever. Hey, here's where I'll defend the homeless people. Every psychotic break I've had, I've been right about what the government was doing. They were spying on us on their fucking iPhones.

Yeah. That's what's hard. I actually was just on a conspiracy podcast saying about the same shit about how the conspiracy is actually out in the open. It's actually already been done. We're already caught. It's already been built into the phones. They've been watching us jerk off.

These were all things that I thought they were doing and then found out later I was right about it. Take that, medical professionals. You didn't fix shit. I was completely correct to take off my pants and rub my balls in the fucking Sizzler buffet. I had to do that.

When you're discharged from a psych ward, they actually give you that jacket that Tom's wearing. It is tied in the back, though. You definitely have an OTB jacket on one of the off-track bedding. You look like a guy that used to hang out in Atlantic City.

Funny story about this jacket, I bought it for three packs of cigarettes outside of Indiana. That's not a purchase, that's a barter. That is an Indian barter. You can't put that on your taxes, unfortunately. I invoiced him for 60 Paul Malls. No, yeah, you did. Every piece of clothing Tom owns has a hilarious Paul Bunyan story attached to it.

Those shoes were a gift. Those has a hilarious, like, Paul Bunyan story attached to it. Well, the shoes were a gift. Those were a gift, yeah. Well, the pants was from you guys harassing me about not having clothes for two years. Yeah. It's difficult because you, look, because it's, if you're all hanging out in a group and the one dude dresses like a total fucking homeless person while you're hanging out. I bought this shirt from a homeless person. That's not a purchase.

I gave him money. He was offering not a purchase. I gave him money. He was offering to sell it. I gave him money. He needs the money more than fucking Goodwill does. I don't know why that's my go-to store, but that's, yes. The homeless guy probably needed the shirt more than he needed the five bucks. Tell that to the heroin. How much is heroin?

I don't even know. Actually, I almost emailed the drug Craigslist guy that we were looking up yesterday on the show. We were trying to see if you could buy meth on Craigslist. Craigslist has got to be such a fucking dead man's land, right? There's nothing going on for serious in Craigslist besides... We found out there's code words that are still up, I guess. What, like skiing and all that bullshit? Yeah, like that kind of shit. Here's what was words that are still like up i guess that like you know they they i guess it's like like skiing and all that yeah yeah like that kind of shit yeah well here's here's what was hilarious about what i looked up is i looked back later and then in the side that

i didn't notice earlier it was just non non-coded just like meth heroin percocet like yeah that's why i didn't email because i thought it'd be funny be funny to have a kind of back and forth with a drug dealer for Snark Week. I don't suppose drug dealers would sell too many things. It's like really you do window tinting and shocks? I'm going to need some specialization. You can't have it. When you go to a restaurant and it's like pizza, sushi. I don't want a cheesecake factory dealer.

No, no, no. They need a focus. But I feel like they're going to say the name. Meth just seems to be it's like you see the guy on the street who's selling meth around the other guys, and you just follow a meth head. It's like following me. Which would never make them paranoid. Yeah, but just you with the fucking big rain hat on.

I've never seen a tweaker who was like, oh, darn, I can't find meth. They seem to track it down. You know how many people have asked me to sell them meth? You know, tweakers would be great at geocaching. If there's any kind of competitive circuit, we could kind of just line up a team of people like, alright, look, a dime bag for whoever writes their name

in the film can first. We heard that Julian Assange has over $100 of meth in his pockets. Yes, wiki tweaks. That would be great. Tweaker bounties just like the guys who killed Jamal Khashoggi all have a fucking teener, and they're not even paying attention to it. Just the A-team full of just like fucking methed out dorks jumping out of a helicopter. Yeah, yeah.

This is like a bumfights. I remember like being shown a bumfights video by my karate instructor. I love every part of that sentence so much. This is what I like about their form is that they don't give a shit. What I do is get in there, sweep the leg, bite the dick. It was weird because he was like a role model of mine. And I remember thinking like this seems – No, not the bum, but the karate guy.

And I was like this seems like it should be beneath the art of karate. And I went to like this like summer – He's like it ain't the 90s anymore, friend. He's like yeah, we stay here late and we just work on our form and stuff. And I was like, yeah, that'll be cool. I'm going to get better at this. And then about 8 p.m., he's like, all right, your moms are coming for an hour. You want to see some shit?

And that scooter, he beats the fuck out of a guy with a trash can. Yeah, and they literally just throw a rock between two dudes and they beat the shit out of each other. I'm like, I don't want to see this. This is sad. These guys were my sensei. You can see a scooter here, huh? The way he uses that rock against a defenseless old man with no legs. It's the one.

According to the ancient scrolls. If you find weakness, seize it. If you use the crack rock, it gives you like Jackie Chan Adventures talisman powers. Like, oh, you can fly. It plays the Popeye theme. I'm going to clean my house I think that he does see that I think yeah he's that within his own mind just being like this

is this fucking secret juice I'm always supposed to have yeah yeah well you know usually we we tell some jokes right about now you guys think we should tell jokes Mexican joke now? Yeah we do a segment where we do topical jokes from the news

Just as something to jump off and riff about So we got those So you all are prepped and then you'll fire them And then we'll have a joke on it I meant to let you know about it But I forgot I would have prepped the same amount Here's what we learned

is anybody with a TV credit is not going to do homework for this fucking podcast I did do that there was a podcast where they were like write a whole script I wrote that whole script so you did never see it which was awesome but I was like this is a lot of fucking work this is like 8 pages for me to crunch out I can't do that on my

fucking own I can't do that I'm supposed to be writing a pilot for my fucking self I haven't written anything longer than a tweet since I Chex Watch started comedy. I don't know what you want me to do here. Yeah, no, we were like, we're not going to ask Jeff Ross to write one line. Well, it was fun. I'm going to come in here, get high, and just push the button when you want me to dispense wisdom. Yeah, yeah.

It was fun when you guys used to have them and you'd just have that moment that you just hear them pause go yeah i didn't do that the canaan had maybe the best delivery ever yeah it didn't happen our son's name is charlie he'll be nine next month charlie is different than the other children he was the only baby I've ever seen that never cried. They say that's one of the ways you can tell. He doesn't get along with the other kids at school. He's been sent home for hitting other children so many times. I've lost count. His eyes, just nothing.

There's nothing behind them. Last year, when his sister was born, Henry told us very calmly that he'd like to suffocate her with a pillow. He said it just like that. The way you tell somebody the weather was nice today, he just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, that was around the time the pets in the neighborhood started disappearing. Just one by one, the neighbors would start telling us how their cats, their dogs, just gone.

Sometimes a little blood left behind, usually nothing. Even before we found the bodies, we knew it was Charlie. And now we just, we don't know what to do. That's where we come in. Hi, I'm Gene Autregacy, no relation. And if you are like the folks you just heard, your kid is exhibiting signs of psychopathic behavior. Researchers say as many as 1 in 100 children show signs of psychopathy,

particularly harming small animals. That's why I'm proud to announce the grand opening of Kill-A-Bear Workshop, a place where your little bundle of untrustworthy joy can work out all those antisocial impulses without the hassle of having to clean up squirrel blood out of a Batman t-shirt. Kill a bear workshop? Mother, father, can we go now? Jesus, you, uh, you scared us, son.

I told you to lock the door. I did. I think he picked it. We will go now. I will wait in the car. Heth, kill a bear workshop. You're a clinically exceptional son or daughter, but let's face it, probably son, could pick a furry new friend of his very own. Which one do you like, Charlie?

The bear with the brown fur. He smiles with his mouth. The way you have tried to teach me to. Give him to me. What's his name? He has no need for a name. Great choice. Once your child has chosen a bear, that's where the real fun starts. Kill a Bear Workshop provides children access to all manners of tools from mutilation and destruction. From switchblades to hatchets from nail guns to crossbows, little Charlie

can have fun for hours with his furry new friends until the screaming stops in his tiny little noggin. I don't know, Mr. Gacy. No relation. Isn't it dangerous to let kids use weapons? Our highly trained staff keeps an eye on everything to make sure your children are safe while they explore the dark ball pit of their grimmest desires.

What is this one called? That's a scalpel, Charlie. Now, be careful. Those are usually just for doctors. But, Father, I am a doctor. I am here to rescue this creature's soul from the prison of his own flesh. Uh, cool. And check this out, Charlie. Each killer bear comes with a customizable speaker inside so he can talk back during your play day. Here, give him a shot right in the belly. Please, master.

I have a family. It hurts so much. Awesome. This is insane. Honey, look. He's smiling. I hate to say this, but he looks like he's having fun. On toon. There's no cure for psychopathy, but there is a cure for boredom.

Sweetheart, come see this. I just put Charlie to bed and just look. You are an unclean bear, but I have purified you. By my hand, you shall be saved. I love you. Let me die! Aww. Good night, Charlie.

Good night, Fop. I mean, Dad. I... I love you. Call the police! For the love of God! He took the scalpel! Yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, quick. The card ran out of memory. So we lost about three minutes of molestation jokes, but we're back. And now it's Kyle's turn on the most professional podcast. I like how the feed goes down. It's almost like pirate radio, but also the saddest thing in the world. It's like, oh boy, we got a good get for Snark Week.

And then we're like, oh yeah, that's right. I've never done four episodes in a row and left them on the SD card. In Denver, a store has been forced to remove Tide Pods from their location near a candy aisle with concerns people were going to eat them. The wife of the store manager, wife Dice Clay, suggested they replace the Tide Pods with pussy, if you know what I mean. Oh, that's good.

Kids ought to be eating that. That'll put some hair on your chest, Junior. The Dice Clay family is extensive on this show. Whenever we can't come up with a punchline, we just give Andrew Dice Clay whatever that job is. He's a pussy eating dog. This became Wife Dice Clay, which is like the first female Dice Clay we've had. Why are we not calling him Andrew Wife Clay? Because you're a professional comedian, Connor. You fuck this is...

Andrea Wife Clay. My question is that it would... I don't think it's good for a woman to be like sort of turned on by the idea of a little boy going down on her. They feel like, I mean number one, are they good at it? I don't think they even understand. Imagine they'd be gross out about it because it seems to be it's an adult palate. It's an equine. Like guac raw.

Yeah. You have to require it. And then it's like if you want to get them to eat the pussy, you gotta be like, here comes the airplane. Like it's a... Yeah, it is. You're gonna have to put some chocolate on there like you're trying to potty train them. It's a... And it's just like, yeah, just give me airplane. It's just like, yeah. Yeah, it is. You're gonna have to put some chocolate on there like you're trying to potty train him.

It's a hair plane. And the dog gets in there. Here comes the hair plane? Oh, no. Fucking yuck, dude. That's an old joke of mine. You look like when you eat your wife's pussy,

she has to tell you two more bites. That's in Connor's bucket of generic slams for when I really hate the audience. Oakland University in Michigan has created a plan to stop school shooters by throwing hockey pucks at them. The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a puck, and the only way to stop a good guy with a puck is a bad guy with goalie gear. Just a stick in one hand and an ARP. Yeah, exactly.

That's going to be the next. You know, they're making them have clear backpacks now. I know everyone's going to have to go to school in full goalie, like, seats. Dude, the most terrifying part of that article is they were just like, yeah, bulletproof backpacks are on the rise. I was like, that's a fucking thing now. Oh, yeah, that a thing. I didn't know that. They do fucking full-on terrorist drugs.

Because bulletproof backpacks implies they're already running away. Exactly, and they're getting in front of it. They're taught to use it to defend against shooters. They're starting to learn shooters' mentality. What's really fucked up is that the kids that are going to really be hurt by this are the underachievers that bring the book to school every day. Or the poor kids. Yeah, exactly.

Because a Kevlar backpack is going to cost a little bit of money, and then you're going to see who really cares about their kids. Yeah. And if you can't work hard enough to provide them the proper bulletproof gear they need to survive, then maybe they're not going to make it anyway, and technically it's about the food chain and you need to be working hard. And there's going to be a whole limited run of Hello Kitty Kevlar backpacks that Midwestern moms will be stabbing each other for at the Walmart.

I'm describing the next reboot of Degrassi right now. Just a teacher shoving over a poor kid. No child left behind my ass. That's what happened in our school when we got Columbine monies. They just bought golf carts for the fatter teachers to escape. That's so sad, but they're all open. And they don't make enough evasive movement. How is Columbine money not the name of a SoundCloud rapper?

Ah, shit. Because it's too good? Probably. All right, guys. SoundCloud rapper. Ah, shit. Because it's too good? Probably. All right, guys. SoundCloud is different. I'm understanding that it's supposed to be for them.

Yeah, it kind of is. It's for somebody else that is not who I am. Like Chance the Rapper, SoundCloud was going to go under because he was like,

we can't keep hosting 9 million 16-year-olds fucking drug songs on here for free. It's killing us. And Chance the Rapper was like, let him have this terrible hope that they might

be me. And he bought it out or something, which I thought was nice. Oh, that's cool. He mailed everyone a bottle of cough syrup and was like, follow your dreams, kids. Alright, gang. A new microbial treatment has cured autism in mice, so that's why they took all the tentacle stuff off Mouse Tumblr.

That is like three different deep cuts in a row. Three very specific. That's a joke that will only work within this 72-hour period. Any longer than that, they're like, what? Like anyone who gets every element of that joke will be pretty bummed out that you did. Sorry. I got the Tumblr part. Everything else was a mystery.

A burglar in Houston robbed a family's house and stole their baby's ashes. If you think the parents are pissed, imagine how the robber is going to feel when he realizes that wasn't blow. Oh, man. Or the worst salt shaker in the world. Oh, yeah. Dude, Keith has an amazing dead guy's ashes story, if you don't mind revis the world. Oh, yeah. Dude, Keith has an amazing Dead Guys Ashes story, if you don't mind revisiting it. Oh, yeah.

Some people have heard this already. And this ties back to Florida, so it works out. Yeah, I lived in Florida for a while, and my, like... We know about your body, but go on. My step-uncle... We are the opposites in Florida. Florida people technically look good, especially on the coast.

Oh, really? Around the beach area, they look really good. That's why I always felt constrained. They're just tan and big asses. They just look good. They just look tight, and then you go down. But we are just, we're outliers. Yeah, I mean, I lived in, like, Central.

I lived in Kissimmee. Exactly. Yeah. You could be oxyfat. Which sounds like an equally bad Star Wars planet. Like, on the outer rim in Kissimmee. I always felt it was like a drunk Italian man. I mean, like, gizmo, gizmo.

Technically, that's Mario Batali. But I was living there, and we had, like, a step-uncle who had OD'd, and they, like, cremated him. But then they just never did anything with the ashes. It was just a box of fucking Uncle Charlie just stuck. And they put it in my closet and didn't tell me. So one day, I'm, like, up like up on like the top shelf of my closet. I'm like 16. I'm rooting around and I see this box.

I'm like, what the fuck is this? And I open it up and I realize what it is. Then I slip and the whole thing just goes. And there's just this rising dust cloud. Like it was like an old like comedy sketch from the 40s and somebody went make up and then powder. Charlie and then hit you when everybody was gone and I was like I have like 30 minutes to figure this out so I just dust busted

as much of him as I could that's fine I've never told any of my family that story but it is very public on this podcast we'll maybe bring that up with my mom and we interview her on Christmas oh absolutely she definitely got your journalism

I like that you like I like to think he has I'll bring that up with my mom when we interview her on Christmas. Oh, absolutely. She definitely got your journalism. Oh, she did. It'll be great. I like that he has like 3% of your soul now because you huffed him, you know? So every once in a while Keith will just like fucking like kick a guy's car and leave a dent and that's the gangbanger that fucking is trying to deal against the Vietnamese. That just becomes like the white trash Hellraiser house. Rebuilding himself eating cockroaches and palm all butts. Are you Italian too? No, I'm

part Samoan. It's very interesting because my family also held ashes. Like my Italian Sicilian grandmother had my grandfather's ashes just sitting on her chair. It was just in a shoe box that she kept for forever. Like he was coming to dinner? She would go

and be like, your grandfather and I were watching Fox News. And it was just like that. Literally, she would imagine they were sitting and enjoying things together. Highly morbid. Yeah. Very weird. It was like when I did a show. At least put googly eyes on. Put a little hat on top. Get like an iPad

propped up in front with a slideshow of pictures of his face. Oh, he's surprised today. You wait until she's kind of asleep and his face. You know? Oh, he's surprised today. You wait until she's kind of asleep and you just work in the box. Hey, give Henry money. He's a good kid. I was doing a show when I first started at a VFW where no one in the audience spoke English and just eating shit. And I started leaning.

I was like, why is this table so nice? You know? I don't get it. Why'd you make this table so nice? The other ones are shitty. And I'm like playing with it. And then I just start getting screamed at in Spanish by like 30 disinterested dudes watching a Dodger game

because that is the prisoner of war table they set out in honor of them. I was like, well, anyway, back to how dating is hard when you live with your parents. I was a bit goose footed, which is why I didn't join the U.S. Marines. I have a bit of a vision problem,

but contacts are getting better, so... All right. A study is... Actually, this is topical. A study has found that a chemical in McDonald's fries may be a cure for baldness. Other results from the study

claim that Slim Jim's give you a big dick, Mountain Dew makes your parents love you, and Keith, wake up after the set-up. You fell asleep. God damn it. I made an audible swish sound when I finished typing that.

I like that Kyle delivers all his jokes like he's making a phone call he doesn't want his parents to hear. I really had a good time at the park tonight too. I don't know when I'm going to be able to see you again. I am still grounded because of that D I got. Is everything alright? Yeah, my mom told me I can't date you, B-minus joke.

Kyle, are you having phone sex with the Domino's guy again? Ruben Foster, the newest NFL player to be found beating their girlfriend, was signed to the Washington Redskins. Upon hearing this news, the whole world went, what? The NFL team called the Redskins isn't on top of progress? Why did you say that like you were a reggaeton air horn? I don't have many voices.

I'm bad at characters. I like the phrase, the newest NFL player to beat. Like, it's a car. I don't think the name Redskins is racist because they're named after the complexion of their wives. That's what I'm calling attention to the issue. Redskins is racist because they're named after the complexion of their wives. I'm calling attention to the issue. I'm an ally. We decided to change our name to the

Washington Bruised Bitches. Blowback from the owners. Tough week for the black guys. And the Washington Roast Burners. It's down. It's 23 to 42. So sad. They, my God.

So sad. Okay. So sad. They're all suffering. We got a couple bad ones to choose from for the last few here. A 500-year-old skeleton has been found at a London river still wearing thigh-high leather boots. We here at the Mean Boys Podcast wish Madonna a speedy recovery. Just shitty. Just like Joan Rivers

would maybe do it at the dress rehearsal, but then like, ah, fuck that. Yeah, it's one of those where you could see the Tonight Show writers room and them just going

through their Rolodex of who's old this week. I'm like, is she even English or did she just get the, it doesn't matter. It's next to the Kirstie Alley or Rosie O'Donnell

dartboard for fat jokes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Honestly, she's got the, she's got Honestly, she's got some stringy arms. She's got Iggy Pop arms. Yeah, she's got a little bit of that. She's sort of Iggy Pop mixed with the sofa, like a little bit. Yeah, but I have fucked a sofa and would fuck Iggy Pop, so I don't hate that. She's beautiful.

Imagine in a room, though. I bet she's hotter. Well, Keith was only fucking the sofa because his fingers were too fat, and he was trying to use his dick to pry out that fry he lost between the cushions. Son of a bitch. You could shoehorn out some of those carbohydrates. Don't start if he just starts crying.

You see something that reached too far, I would have to consult who won the bet. I would like to see a podcast where something happens, it's just a nice joke and then the other person has just been pushed too far and then they are just emotionally broken. Jump the window tear down the curtains it took you four years to buy we're getting there yeah what this is the ninth one we've done in five days so we'll get there you guys are getting punchy i imagine oh no no the thing yeah we're not getting punchy

the knuckles are breaking it's the other way around we did this last year too where we did 14 in two days and what happens is this day is where it gets really good and then it's downhill from here yeah we are about to bum gareth reynolds we have a fucking psychotic break connor will be dead by that point i don't have any new animal stories yeah me and tom will lord of the flies eat each other five last time you guys were all just silently sitting in separate rooms. So this time, the fact that you were all looking at each other in the eye is pretty impressive. Yeah, we're doing better.

It's hard, but the second hour of it, because when we do multiple episodes of Last Podcast or side stories in a row, because we now put out five hours of content a week. Right. So by the end of a five-hour day of speaking about yourself and in the movement of playing both the character that is yourself and also trying to pay attention to the content and all that stuff, it's like, we just sound like morons. It's funny trying to explain to my family or something about the mental energy it takes. Like, yeah, it's pretty exhausting. Well, yeah, you're just getting paid to sit around and call your roommates fat. That's great.

And I'm like, it'd be like if someone told you, like, you have to think about turtles for 90 minutes and if you think about anything else people will tweet you that you're gay just really be focused and it's just like you're gonna be dialed in yeah later dumbest job in the world later day for bonus material we were playing a full game of monopoly that is themed after us oh yeah someone made a Monopoly where it's like the locations are like Keith's room. Yeah, they sent it from Australia. Yeah,

that's nice though. It's awesome. That costs like $50. Yeah, oh no, I'm so excited to play it. It's a bad investment, but I'm glad.

Oh yeah, yeah. I just like the idea of them having a child who is just going hungry so they can send like Monopoly. Shut up,

shut up, I'm making a fake Monopoly game for a mid-range podcast. Do you, shut up, you went, I'm making a fake Monopoly game for a mid-range podcast. You shut up. I give a hot fuck about your drawing, Tyler. It's not even like they're trying to get shouted out on WTF for baking us cookies. It's like there's just 5,000 other guys that look like you listening to this. Don't give a shit.

So it's like, what are you really doing this for? Do we want to jump over to mailbag? Because we've been going for like an hour and I want to, we have a lot of fun questions. Uh, yeah, not, not quite.

Do we just have a couple of jokes left? Oh yeah. I think Tom has one more. Oh, I have words. Okay. Honestly, this is a great exercise.

Yeah. I mean, you guys can pump out material. It's fine. Well, yeah. And it's like, I,

cause I like, I like splitting the difference between like the, the prepared elements of a late night show, but but making it not like this company is owned by GE-ified. And then having the conversational element of a podcast. It's fun, you know? So, Tom, I guess we'll fuck it. Or is it Kyle's turn? Sure, I'll go.

A Marine pilot has been reinstated after temporary suspension for drawing a dick in the sky. The man has gone on record apologizing and admits his dream of a sky goatsy where the moon is the butthole was just too beautiful to realize. Sky goatsy. It's been there this whole time. Sky goatsy. None of us fucking figured it out. Jesus Christ.

That's the key. That's the key. The cosmic gate. The fucking devil just comes out of it. It's just, Oh, finally! The pieces were there! This wasn't that hard, people! The hell butt is open! It's like fucking Stargate. That's the one drawing

on the machine they couldn't figure out this whole time. So dumb! Pick a category. He has a wedding ring that's noticeable. Alright, pick a category. We got numbers, upsetting, and incredibly dumb. All right, hit it.

Incredibly dumb. Incredibly dumb? Okay. Incredibly dumb. Where'd it go? There it is. A non- God damn it.

A non-profit has been- Take three. A non- Perfect. Oh, yeah. You nailed it. Yeah, dude. I'm like a podcast guy.

This is like watching you try to fuck for the first time. Every time. A non-profit has had success training retired greyhound racing dogs. Apparently, with enough training, these dogs can become decent bus drivers. Man. Gave you three options. You did it to yourself This is a Vogue of the Universe

Where we make animals have jobs Like the Flintstones Oh I do love the idea I would be excited to ride Greyhound If there was just a Greyhound dog In the front seat Driving the thing That'd be cute

It would be great Here's what I've noticed about California We don't have a lot of water Alright These toilets are fucking using up everything But every time I go to Santa Barbara Nothing but pelicans. That's what I'm thinking.

We put some of those dead beets to work, alright? That's how I feel when you go to Beverly Hills, and it's like, you know, where we're at, it's all brown, everything's dead, and then you go over there, and it's like fern gully, and you're like, oh, I forgot how rich and powerful

what you could do to create your own reality that's so nice money creates an invisible bio dome yeah that keeps you safe from Koreatown AT&T still doesn't work it's very weird very strange and my family got kicked out of Beverly Hills just drive like we I grew up in Orange County like an hour south of here and we would just go on like trips to LA to go look at rich people sometimes Sometimes we'd just drive. It's fun to do. Yeah, it was great.

My parents would just go to Manhattan. Yeah, we'd be like, yeah, I bet Jack Nicholson lives over there. Look at these people. Their electricity still works, so they got Christmas lights. And one time, a cop just pulls us over in the middle of Beverly Hills and just like, what are you people doing? We're just driving. And they're like, yeah, you got to go drive over there.

It's real. I was in the same thing. The first pilot season ever stayed here. My manager was staying in a house in Beverly Hills. This is the first time. So I'm straight from New York. I go to the stay with him at his fucking guest house in the back by the pool. I go out there.

And at the time, I was like full on into I had this chopped black trench coat that I wore all the time, like Sam Kenison. He had a vibe that I was going through at the time. And as I was going down the street, I had an SUV pull over. I was just walking down the street. SUV pulls over, big black Escalade and a dude with an earpiece. And he's like, excuse me, sir, you can't be walking around here. And I was like, I'm just walking. I'm like the sweetest, the fat, cherub-faced ABC sitcom little boy who's out here on the street. I'm an aspiring sweetest fat chair-faced ABC sitcom little boy

who's out here on the street. I'm an aspiring wacky neighbor. Yeah, yeah, and he's like, get out of here. And I'm just like, get the fuck out of here. And so I had to go back to my house. I was auditioning for a character named Hamburger at the time. We've been in the recording studio for hours. I'm losing my fucking mind.

Maybe we should just call it a night. Are you going to ask him? Because I'm not in the mood to get screamed at again. I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, uh, hey, Chip? What? Hey, listen, buddy.

It's been a long day. I just don't think we're going to get it tonight. Let's go home, try it again in the morning. No, no, no, no. We're not leaving until we get this right. Now shut the fuck up and rewind the tape. No, no, come on, man. I said rewind the tape.

I've got this. I can go all night, baby. Of course you can. He's connected with mine. You got something to say to me, Graham? You white bread chicken shit motherfucker. No, just rewind the tape, I guess. This is ridiculous. Alright, just come on, guys.

Let's just fucking get through this. Alright, you ready, Chip? I'm ready. I feel it. This is on guys. Let's just fucking get through this. Alright, you ready Chip? I'm ready. I feel it. This is the one. This is the fucking one. Come on Chip, come on. Alright, tequila.

Take 47. Come on Chip. You got this. Chip is great. I'm gonna do it. The tequila. God damn it. Fuck.

Shit. Stop the fucking track, Lyle. Take it back. Let's go again. Hey, let's just get the line on its own and dub it in. Oh, we're gonna dub it in? Would you tell Beethoven to dub in the violins, Tim? Would you tell Da Vinci to dub in the Mona Lisa's smile?

Would you tell fucking God to dub in a sunset? Here's? Would you tell Da Vinci to dub in the Mona Lisa's smile? Would you tell fucking God to dub in a sunset? Here's an idea, Tim. How about you take my dick and you dub it into your fucking mouth, you goddamn Philistine? It's gotta be live. I gotta feel it in my bones, my fucking marrow, dude. It's one line about booze in a goofy Mexican accent. Yeah, to you, maybe.

You know why? Because your fucking heart is blind, Tim. It's blind. That's why you can't see the beautiful light of my fucking vision. That's why you have to be the keyboard guy. That's why your wife cheated on you while we were on tour. Hey, wait, what? All right, we'll go again. You ready?

Go, go now. Silence is death. Tequila, take 48. Hey, he can't hear us, right? No, the intercom's off. I can see your lips moving. Hey, he can't hear us, right? No, the intercom's off. I can see your lips moving. Face the wall.

I am trying to goddamn focus. Guys, we absolutely need to fire Chip. I mean, he's not even... Where's he even getting his cocaine? We are not a famous band. Yeah, totally. Also, who slept with my wife? Well, what are we going to do? None of us can sing.

He owns the van. If we fire him, we're not going to do? None of us can sing. He owns the van. If we fire him, we're not going to be able to make it to that gig in Houston next month. Was it that Charlie guy from her work? We can sit here and talk about all the reasons that Chip is useful and all the guys who have fucked Tim's horrible wife, but I'm drawing the line here in the same. If Chip's in, then I'm out. Graham, you can't quit. We started this band together and...

Wait, wait. Everyone shut up. Son of a fucking goddamn cocksucking cunt bitch! together and... Wait, wait, everyone shut up. Da-da-da-da-da-da! Ta-ka-ah! Son of a fucking goddamn cocksucking cunt bitch! Who let a fly in the studio? Hey, hey, Chip. Chip, just calm down, buddy. I'll kill this fucking fly! Oh, shit, he's got a gun! Chip, I need you to

put down the gun, buddy. Show yourself, you winged whore! Ugh, I'll blow a hole in you wider than Tim's wife's cooch! Why, Debra? Chip, you're not thinking straight, buddy. Yeah, you know what, Lyle? The line between genius and madness is razor thin.

And right now, I am riding that fucking line. So which way are we gonna go? Huh? Are we all gonna die here tonight? Or are we gonna change the fucking world again? Alright, man. Just take it easy.

No one has to get hurt. Tequila, take 49. Shit. We can't get out without going through Chip. What are we going to do? I do not care. Let me die. There is nothing out there for me.

Pull it together. Everybody, grab something to attack with. Mic stand, guitar, anything. And on the count of three, we rush him. They say if you run straight at someone with a gun, they panic and their aim is off. It's risky, but he can't shoot us all. And if we're lucky, he doesn't hit any of us. Tequila.

He did it. Oh my god. He was right. It's beautiful. Oh, captain, my captain. Tequila. This is how Alexander the Great must have felt as he realized there were no more lands to conquer. I have become one with the muse. God and man, merged together in one vessel.

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings! Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! Tequila! show you guys a little preview of the bonus episode I did for the Mean Boys. So please enjoy this special episode with me, comedian Kyle Clark. Have you guys heard of red-eye gravy? No.

That's the gravy that comes on Late Night at Fox the comedians do sometimes. It is pork drippings mixed with leftover day-old coffee. What the fucking Christ? So it's a salty, caffeinated gravy that you dip salty ham in.

That's what you eat when you're trapped in an AA meeting during a flood. That's what you put together as some kind of nutrient slurry. Okay, that's disgusting, and also I've never wanted anything more in my life. Holy shit. You mean it could be bitter and threatening? Yeah, I want to be fat and fast. Yeah, it was nuts. I want to be awake

to eat more gravy. You're really living a life when you're being judged when you ordered spicy fried catfish for breakfast and somebody else has ordered a thing

that seems less advised off the menu. Wow, spicy catfish for breakfast. What do you even eat red-eye gravy off of? A gun? It's cute, though.

They put a dent in the middle so now it's like a sauce tray. You dip your father's will in it. Just take bites. That was bananas. Did you eat it? I tried it. It was the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. I thought it was kind of gross.

Did it taste like coffee? Are we trying to preserve this for an ocean crossing? It tastes like thick soy sauce mixed with seawater. That sounds disgusting. That is not at all what I expected. Nice algae undertones in this dish. Really loving it. But it's interesting you pouring a little thing of half and half in your gravy to try

to light it up. It sounds like one of those ingredients you only have ever seen or heard of on Chopped. It doesn't sound like a real thing. Because normally stuff like that in the South is a jam. We got some fried chicken livers while we were out there, which is a thing I highly recommend if you get a chance. Yeah, I fuck with that shit. But it's odd.

Some of the things down there, because it's just the way they figure out and MacGyver weird food stuff in the South is truly inspiring. I want to go down there and be like, you know, we have have fucking factory farming. You don't have to do this anymore. You can use the good parts of the pig.

You don't have to like, oh, I got a new bowl of toenail gumbo coming down the path. Who wants a pickled horse? And then you try that thing and it's the best thing you've ever tasted and you're just like, oh, we're all fucking it up.

We have the good stuff and we're doing stuff that's not as good. That's the thing. Every time somebody offers you a weird, gross part of an animal, it's usually pretty good. Let me give you another thing they have down there. Are you guys familiar with the dish pot liquor?

No, but I'll ask you to not repeat it on the podcast. Connor used to call me a pot licker, but that's not woke, so we're not going to say it anymore. Yeah, I got dragged on the timeline. It is turnip greens water mixed with fatback. Whoa. What is fatback? Fatback is the fatty part

of the bacon that they scrape off of bacon. You mean back fat. It's called fatback, sir. You're literally just describing back fat. But back fat, when you cook it,

turns into fatback. I don't like this topsy-turvy stone bullshit. You keep your cook magic in the south. All right, Kyle, enough of your food riddles. Salty, delicious fried fat

in a soup of salty turnip water. It's amazing. I don't know what to do with this, but back fat to the future. You shouldn't eat that unless you live outside of a castle in the mud. My aunt was hammered, and we were asking, like, what is potlicker? And she went and just hammered, like, it's slave food.

And she's not wrong, that is its origin, but you shouldn't say it in that voice. No, yeah, yeah. You can say that

in a whisper. It's amazing. But it's fascinating because like, every delicious thing you eat there also has a horrible, tragic backstory.

Well, I'm glad you had fun on your cultural appropriation tour, Kyle. I hope you got a good album. You colonizer. Well,

a man's family died in the woods and he had nothing to eat but their remains and anyway, that's where Ash Biscuits came from. We got some questions here for you. What's the official Mean Boys stance on putting down one of those paper toilet seat covers while using a public restroom? Is it worth the hassle

or can the human butt handle whatever is there? I never really do them. Nah, me neither. I'm just like, I'll ride it out. Yeah, I think of it as the hassle, or can the human butt handle whatever is there? I never really do them. No, me neither. I'm just like, I'll ride it out. Yeah, I think of it as just like, you know what? This will build up my immune system. You've got a butt strength. Give me a nice butt strong.

I am admittedly a germaphobe. Okay. I do have problems with this. Oh, this must be rough. No, I understand that others have their lives. You know what I mean? I understand. Yeah, yeah.

It's fine. You're not covered in bugs. I know that I mean? I understand. It's fine. You're not covered in bugs. I know that I have... I washed most of my... We brushed them off. Yes. I have a fucking... I have a problem.

I have a mental problem. I go to therapy for these problems. Yeah. But I do put the toilet paper down, but it depends on where we are. But for some reason, I feel like it's okay in a hotel to not use the paper towels

or whatever on the toilet seat. That's actually probably where the most calm would be. Yeah, for sure. The amount of, like, toilets and hotels I've blown loads on across this country. I've done it myself. When I think about it, as I wipe the rim off, I'm just being like, some other sucker's going to sit in my load.

And meanwhile, I am doing it already. I'm also doing that. Well, yeah, like, you shoot when you hit the wall. You're like, should I get that? I'm like, I'm on vacation. Load it forward. Every time I'm in a hotel, I, like you shoot when you hit the wall. You're like, should I get that? I'm like, I'm on vacation. Load it forward. Every time I'm in a hotel, I'm like, I'm going to fuck every microcosm of equity I can out of this purchase. Where I'm just like, I don't know, fuck it.

I'm coming in the room safe. I got no agenda here but to get my dollars worth. How about you put on Showtime while I'm hitting it from the back? I'm going to try to get into billions while we do this, sweetheart. Yeah, okay, this seems fun. Nice, look at me, like a regular celebrity. So there's your answer there. Just a lot of people are excited.

But at Henry Loves You, on a scale of bath salt-induced nude stabbing to Stitch's Brick in Yo' Face music video, how Tallahassee is the Mean Boys podcast studio? It is an exact replica of the apartment that Ed Larson and I lived in on final years. But this is honestly really clean. Okay. There was a time period that we had three cross punks living with us in the house. We let them – one of our roommates, Palin, slept in the dining room.

Did you hear that, Tom? He met a bunch of other crust bumps. And he said, can they come into the house? And we're like, sure. And it was a kid named Marky and a girl named Angel. She was close to 300 pounds and used to wear little wings. They ended up bringing two dogs into the house. And by this point, we kind of had girlfriends,

so we kind of separated from the mothership. We just stopped staying at the house because we ended up coming back and forth. And then the whole place got filled with black mold and one bathroom, the whole wall collapsed while I was in there and a bunch of bugs came out in the middle of it.

And we ended up just closing the door and just wrote, do not open and sharpen on the door and we just left it. And so this story is used there. Like some sort of old-timey plague. A fucking walking dead.

It was fucked. And then we didn't have an open door. All Ed had was a AK that was always unloaded that he had underneath his bed. We had no lock. And so he would just rack it when people would come in the door. There was a story of a guy came in to check.

It was a... Here's the door open. We put a stool in front of it so you hear whenever the door. There was a story of a guy came in to check. It was a... You hear the door open. We put a stool in front of it, so you hear whenever the door would open. You hear the stool fall, and Ed was upstairs, and he was just like, who's down there?

No response. And he's like, hey, who's down there? No response. And then he racks the AK. He pulls that, and you hear the guy like, uh, pest control.

Yeah. It's, yeah, so we have, this is, you guys are actually have it pretty together. Okay, that's kind of disappointing. Wow, I thought we were hardcore. No, because you actually have a podcast studio. Technically, this is a studio. This is the same as the fucking last Podcast Network

studio, it's just an apartment with fucking bullshit in it. The lead paint actually works better than studio foam for sound insulation. It's really... It is like, lead paint actually works better than studio foam for insulation. It's really funny. We thought we were like leftover crack and we're just fucking Green Day. No, it's nice that you guys are. It's obviously don't get me wrong. It's disgusting in here.

Was that so fucking hard, Henry? Was that so? Can you manage a fucking brand, fella? I love that you're just undercutting there like, yeah. Claire Higginbottom asks, Henry, based on your arm length, the hand size, and other important measurements, can you use the scientific method to assign Keith, Connor, and Tom to either serial killer or cult leader?

Okay, so we do a live bit in our recent live show. I've seen this. It's very funny. Thank you. We do a segment called, if you have a huge dick, you could be a cult leader. And if you have a small dick, you could be a cult leader. And if you have a small dick, you could be a serial killer. And unfortunately, well, it's like we are similar. Right.

Keith. I mean, obviously. So we're normal. I'd say, quote, unquote, normal, which for me, we're short, right? You're five foot six, where it's like this is as big as it's going to get. Yeah. I actually have a notoriously big dick. Hell yeah.

I can back him up on that. That's nice, though. Maybe it's just because I. I actually have a notoriously big dick. Hell yeah. That's nice though. Maybe it's just because I'm Polish and Scottish. I have big islander wisdom floating through my dog. It's really rude to give Poles a small penis. We were made to earn it.

Every single thing that comes, you have to work really hard to get it. He's lanky, so you technically probably have at least on the bigger side penis. Tall, super tall, so it's a big penis. But you're thick. You're thick. You've got doe-like eyes.

Honestly. I've never had that description. You have nice eyes. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you have nice eyes. Yeah, they look real good and afraid right now. You don't have like that, like you just said. You have really soft skin. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you have nice eyes. Yeah, they look real good and afraid right now. You don't have like that like you just said. You have really soft skin. Oh, I'm just not used to getting compliments on mean boys. I'm horrified right now.

How many times can you be positive? This has never happened before. How do we love you, you faggot? Let me in. Let me in. Stop what you're doing, interloper. You're giving him hope. You probably have a small...

He's a small leader talking. He probably has a small dick and big balls. The balls are small, too. Great. See? I feel like I was just wrong only because I stereotyped you because we're of the same body type. Look, I get this assumption all the time. Honestly, it works to my favor because any time I hook up with somebody,

she's like, wow, really? I'm like, I know, right? Yeah, it's fine, right? Wait, why is this... It's like a Pulp Fiction briefcase. Well, yeah, every time somebody fucks me, I'm just like, you bet on the horse that looks sick but had a lot of spunk to him, and now you're getting rewarded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a sea biscuit of dick.

Yeah, but now we just have to get through the personality. Yeah, exactly. That's a part of it. It's what you set up. It's like me, I have the back hair. I feel like my back hair, my body hair, I refuse to fucking laser it. I'm not doing a God damn thing to it. I'm going to look like this.

This is what I look like, and I think a part of it is a good barrier to me as a person. Yeah. That if you can't handle that shit then you obviously cannot date me. Yeah.

That's like I remember there's an episode of some TV show where this lady just painted a big ass mole on her face to make sure she could find the right man who loved her for who she was

and then she like ripped off the mole and he was like whoa. Whoa. You look mostly the same. Yeah but you still had great tits.

You know what I mean? I don't think you can start this room as a room full of caveats as far as a singles bar goes. Wait, why is this game called As far as the eye can see. Why was that game called Cult Leader or Serial Killer? Well, it's because a part of it was based on the idea that if you have a huge

cock that would make you have so much confidence that you felt that you could own other people. And actually several cult leaders actually had – like factual had huge cock. Well, Jim Jones had like a fucking hog, right? Huge hog. Well, it's like if you have a big dick, it's like having a gun. Like you want to use it for something. Absolutely.

And you also – it's a secret to most people, right? So you are walking around with a confidence that is undeserved. I know something you don't know. And then the hidden knowledge and the idea of that is what you want. That's a dynamic between a cult leader and its people. It's this idea of I have a thing and I know a thing that you want and can help you. And I'm going to feed it. But the only way for you to get it is to follow me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did Applewhite cut off a big ass dick then. I think that he had a normal cock. But then a part of what we did on the show was saying that technically it doesn't matter because once you hit the casket, that's what your stats are. So for me, is that if you chop off your dick, then you on the records, you have no dick. Right. Yeah. Your dead dick does not matter anymore.

Yeah. I like that. So we got a medical history, dental records, a dick. And there's just a box. Yes. yeah, yeah. Your dead dick does not matter anymore. Yeah, I like that. So we got medical history, dental records, a dick, and there's just a box. Yes, no, check. All right, we got some voicemails. We have a voicemail line. I don't know if you have one for your podcast, but if you want to be able to be bummed out in a different way, it's pretty easy. No, man, it's already enough.

Wait until you see the next level of popularity, and then you discover where it's just like, no, having people threaten to kill you, that means it's good. The show is good. That's the greatest shit ever where people start tweeting me stuff I forgot about about myself. They're like, that's like when you pissed your pants on that date when you were 19. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Cool. Great.

Fuck yeah. I was molested. No way. Wow. You got it. That's a great thing to bring up when I'm making my dog the bounty hunter tweet. All right. So this one, your name dropping in.

So let's see what this guy has to say. Hey, what's up, mean boys? I'm Henry Zabrowski. This is Sam from Milwaukee calling. I actually had the privilege of seeing both your guys' groups perform here. And I was just wondering, with all the... Very different venues, I bet. Did you guys also do the comedy sports arena across from the...

Not the main room, the other one. Yeah. I saw you at my buddy Greg's house. All the traveling you guys have done for comedy, if you had to pick a spot to settle down for a few years, well, where would it be? Great job on the Snark Week, guys. Every single episode's

been pretty fucking entertaining. And I look forward to hearing from Henry on the next slash podcast. Thanks. Bye. Oh, thanks, buddy. If you didn't have to pick a place to settle down and move to, where do you think? I already pretty much have mine picked out. I think I'm going to go to Atlanta. Okay. I'm going to end up staying in Atlanta.

I think that the hills of Georgia can be beautiful. Yeah, okay. It's nice out there. I'm going to end up staying in Atlanta. I think that the hills of Georgia can be beautiful. Yeah, okay. It's nice out there. I'm trying to pick out a second location that's underwater-proof, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. I'm looking at, like, maybe there are some cool parts of Omaha. Honestly.

We can make Des Moines fuck. There are spots, especially if you're looking for a bunker. Honestly, straight up, my wife and I are full on into a bunker lifestyle. We want it real bad. Oh, fuck yeah. And a part of it is you just got to get land. This is giving me hope for my love life. Yeah. No, because you just hold out.

And then they have to accept the worst parts of you, and then it's fine. Yeah, you just got down on one knee and gave her some freeze-dried bananas, and you're like, well, where am I? Ready to eat these for six months. These last almost as long as honey. I feel like there's more prepper-inclined people in this world than we like to admit. I... Because, like, my

folks are, like, casual preppers. Okay. So is my dad. And, like, at a certain point where it's just like, you know, I feel like enough people in this world are like, no, shit is gonna go down. And we want to be at least ahead of a third of the people. Casual preppers is when you're not gay but you have a lot of Craigslist sex so and we want to be at least ahead of a third of the people casual preppers is when you're not gay but you have a lot

of Craigslist sex so you just want to be safe they just don't know the commitment level the problem is when it comes down to the true

commitment level the other thing is it takes a lot of capital having a bunker actually costs quite a bit of fucking money

upkeep and shit all of that shit you gotta be doing really well above the ground to do well below below the ground you gotta earn

your keep by having enough MREs and firearms to earn a spot in somebody else's thing. Which killed them and take their fucking bunker. That's kind of a fun idea. Oh, hey, Dad, I didn't realize you were here. Step, step, step, step, step. Oh, no, my blood. I guess you get all my water. I'm in this sort of turning point in my life.

I've been around the past six months. When I was about 17, 18, I was thinking about what I wanted to do. And I planned to about 25. And I was like, you know what? If this comedy thing doesn't work out, if I haven't been on television, if I'm not making money, if I'm not good at it, I'll go get a regular job. And if not, then I'll figure it out from there. And now it's like it's going all right. It's going fine.

And I'm like, all right, what are the next five years looking like? And does that include a bunker? Like is that one of the things I put down on my list of goals is, like, a global warming-proof hut to podcast in? How is your credit? Not very great. Who would you guess has the best credit out of the three of us? Honestly, I don't even know because I fucking torched my credit, too. Like, I also torched.

I imagine you have the fucking best credit. Yeah. Obviously. I have the best credit because I'm working on it. Have you owned a single thing or purchased a thing? No. Here's what I do. I got one credit card, and I just use it for parking, and I paid it off, and I've been

doing that since I was 17. You know what that's like? That's like the Seinfeld where it's like, oh, yeah, I put like $12 in a saving account when I was 10, and now there's $900 in there. Yeah, they were making fun of me like, you used a credit card for parking? And then I finally figured out how to look up my credit score. I was like, oh, shit. You're like Howard Hughes in reverse.

Like you're starting at the paranoid peeing in jars level. You're walking to a fucking Audi dealership and walk out with a car. Like you could go and do that. Oh, yeah. I would very quickly tank my credit because i i have zero money i'm saving it for whatever for when i blitz off the somewhere sign up for my chase uh rappers rewards card so i can get bonus miles but uh i haven't been able to talk him into it yet the same system yeah by the way we're sponsored by

chase rapid rewards there'll be a link in the show notes if you want to sign up with my referral code and get us money to go on tour next year. That's incredible. By the way, I just got back from Atlanta. I just recorded my next comedy album out there. Literally on Monday at Star Bar. Man, I love that place. It's my favorite place.

Rodney is the greatest man alive. Can they still smoke inside Star Bar? Oh, you sure can. Because they stopped doing it at Yacht Club. Oh, because I went there afterwards and it was a real sad conceit. I think Star Bar might be the only one you can still smoke in. Yeah, it's better, honestly, because it also gives me the, it takes away my excuse that I was like, well, if we're smoking inside, I can smoke cigarettes. Yeah.

Because it's like, this is fun. It's like a vacation. Yeah, absolutely. You feel the freest you've ever felt, where you're like, oh, this is what they fought for long ago. Like, for real, when you smoke a cigarette on stage everything you say looks profound like you could be like forget guys it's diarrhea like being on the period warrior you just described doug stanhope i'm like bill hicks they haven't i set my set list down next to an ashtray and I got wispy for a minute.

Yeah, man, the best part about fucking a black guy is afterwards when he gives you your bike back. And another important moment. It's on the top of Salon. I'm opening for Sean Rouse's ghost next month. I sleep inside Ralphie May like a tauntaun I'm not afraid I don't care about the industry another eloquent eloquent speech

is this the future of comedy the Bukowski of tweeting the n-word what is the cutoff when you're allowed to smoke cigarettes on stage at a comedy club what level of fame and importance do you have to be is it really just Chappelle and Nat natal i think it's just i've never seen anyone else do it oh i've seen uh uh fuck uh the maybe jim jeffries could do it i've seen somebody

somebody did it in la and it was the most excited i've ever seen yeah because i can john door john door has a bit here he's like this is my bit about a comedian who doesn't care about smoking on in california just smokes a cigarette and finishes his bit. That's great. I've never been more jealous of a concept. I can't do that after him. Yeah, yeah. Alright, another voicemail here. Let's see what this guy has to say. Hey guys, this is your number one fan from

Steambilk, Texas. I just want to know, since Henry's there and he's a big old true crime fan and thank you for getting me into the subject, subject what i want to know is who's the biggest underrated uh serial killer out there who's the leonard cohen heavy hitters but i'm looking for the warrens looks like nicks goes damn but nobody knows about thanks guys and uh

fuck everything got his debt dead yeah yeah hell satan I I feel like you get a lot of this just like weird dudes being like which murder man do you love the most you know what it's

who hurt those people the best if you could the best or the worst I um I wonder cause you know what's interesting

is that we have a couple of things that we're now that we're in the world of true crime a part of it is we're writing a fucking book about serial we're now that we're in the world true crime a part of it we're writing a fucking book about serial killers so as of them we're in the middle of right now full-on thick ass like not like a other podcast book it's not like a coloring book it's like a 400 page book ass book the book ass book that we're in the middle of and so i'm actually at a level i'm almost at a point where i'm almost burnt out on serial killers

right yeah for sure it killers. There's so much rape in my mind that on top of the old rape. We're going to need as much as a sound drop. I got rape I haven't even gotten to. I got to get through all this old archived rape. I'm just so...

It's hard. So your head also has a backlog. The thing is i read for reductress now i like reductress my head's like a japanese vhs store in the back they're super funny i feel that i uh now that we're also kind of in the true crime business which is like i always do this more as even a comedy podcast but now that we're obviously so far into the true crime business that it's actually releasing the stuff that I find to be truly interesting is now me like releasing proprietary content. Where if I actually tell you some of the deep cut ones that I want is that I'm afraid that it will be scooped by other podcasts before we go.

So we keep our episode list like really tight because we've had people then try to scoop us if we've said that we're going to come out with things. So I actually have – there are two. We're actually not going to be doing as much full-on serial killer content. We don't know. It's like we're picking and choosing real carefully what we're going to do. Yeah. You're in kind of a weird position where you're doing like what fucking CNN does with Mueller press releases. But for like – this guy had so much bleach,

and you do not want to know where I was going. Bob Burdell is very interesting. Yeah, he's fucked up. I said that like I know who he was. I was just trying to keep the conversation. He's a man that very few men that rape men is very few and far between, and he's one of those where he'd collect full grown-ass

men, which is difficult to get. That's the most dangerous game if you're a rape fellow. Grown-ass men, so only guys that go to Mike Epps shows? Wasn't that his thing? It was like the grown-ass comedy hour. But yeah, there's a couple out there that are very interesting that are already

locked and loaded into my brain. And the ones that we've already covered, the ones I'm starting to find the most interesting, Ed Gein, I think is probably the most interesting. Yeah, Ed Gein. Because he didn't really kill as much as it's just like, what does it mean

to be alone? Right. What does it mean to be alone so much in a place where there's nothing to do? There's so much nothing to do,

you fucking wore your mother's pussy over your cock. Yeah. That's how bored you are. Yeah, that's a long level of boredom yeah you have gotten over coloring at that point i feel like such a bitch because we have this uh you know like whatever provocative quote-unquote podcast and every time people start talking

about this stuff i'm like oh my god yikes people tell us that we've got scary people say that we've gotten like softer over the years i think partially just we've gotten older so it's like we do the thing where it's it's hard to make the same level of like types of jokes we'd make 10 years ago. And I look at like my dog and my wife and all that stuff. It's very, it's not the same as much. But we're still pretty fucked up. At the very base of it. If anything, by human standards, you're still a monster.

It should be more terrifying that you can just talk about it like with a level voice you know it can be i think you don't have to be like get a load of this guy you're just like yeah he wore pussy pants like i remember they made me read out loud in class this like one of my english teachers made us read this report about these like like this like 12 year old two 12 year old kids that like killed a five-year-old kid and i was reading it was like and then they put D batteries in his asshole and I remember my voice started trembling

because I was like why would you fucking make I don't want to know well I mean she stopped working you gotta put the new batteries you should see me man I'm in the middle of

trying to find a new therapist and me doing the first roll out of what I am and what I do at the very first like roll being like have to be like

I do this type of content I am also a Satanist I believe in magic ritual I do all this and you have to be like, I do this type of content. I am also a Satanist. I believe in magic ritual. I do all this. And you have to like roll it out piece by piece by piece. And they're all just like, great, you know, whatever. And then you're like, so what do you want to talk about? And you're like, I want to talk about why my auditions aren't going well.

Should I get a new shirt? Is that what it is? Is it the mustache? I think we can also agree that the real shame about the true crime boom is that it's letting the reptilians slide by. I mean, the problem is that they're hiding in plain sight. They're hiding in plain sight. And now with what we have going on right now with the political situation, the fucking CIA and the NSA can do whatever the fuck it is they want because no one's paying attention to them. There's the valve I was

looking for. Remember how cute that dog joke I told was? Have you read any of Tom DeLonge's stuff? The Blink-182 guy's secret machines and things? He's interesting. It is. Buddy and I are utterly fascinated about it. It is our be high and talk about conversation

ongoing. That guy is living the dream. Oh, yeah. You're a millionaire. He's meeting with world leaders about aliens. If I became a multi-multi-millionaire, and then you can do whatever the fuck it is you want with it, and being like, here's a whole staff following his whims,

it's incredible. May I throw something out to you that is the thing I think about most? When he started writing that book, do you think he still had the lip piercing? Yes. Do you think he still had the lip piercing? Do you think he just mindlessly tongue-did as he sat at the typewriter going, huh? God, there's just so much to cover,

it's hard to narrow down where to start. The truth. Where are you? Ah! And it's so scary. Damn it. Fucking scary. Damn it. Fucking hell, damn it. I guess this is growing up.

He pulls it out of his lip. I made those Adult Swim promos. I know I've said this before, but I really... I usually just call, breathe heavily, and then hang up. Hello, I sound wet. It feels very much like a Wu-Tang album the way all the content is coming together. Oh, thanks.

I've been working hard over here towards a personal goal for a very long time, and I'm almost done, thankfully. And listening to you make jokes about code words for meth on Craigslist has really made the days fly by. And watching you grow and become better comedians and writing for a TV show has been inspiring.

So I'm really happy for you. And I know I ask a lot of difficult questions. This time it's not even a question. It's just me saying I appreciate you all and the podcast. So thank you again. Oh, thanks. Connor, may I ask a question? What's up? So thank you again. Oh, thanks. Connor, may I ask a question?

What's up? Is the difficult questions he's normally asking is which federal building you think needs to go down first? Yeah, exactly. Here's some hard questions. When he said special project, I'm like, oh, man, this is going to be used in a federal court case. Power is number one. The Department of Agriculture. You know there's only three grids in the entire United States? There's very little information about which one has the most daycares in it,

so I don't know which one to hit. All I know is I wish the Turner Diaries had given me more about how to make that home shower. All this fertilizer and nowhere to go. I get worried when they start out sincere like that, because we get a lot that are like, hey, man, we love Mean Boys. It really inspires us. Anyway, if you had to kill your mom, what would you use?

The answer is steak to the heart. It's the only way to be sure. Okay. Your mom would overpower all of us before we even got close. Oh, yeah. I think his mom's going to like me. I think she'd fuck you while you're

bleeding out on top of our dead bodies. She recently brought an unlicensed firearm to a cheesecake factory for an afternoon lunch. Does she always pack heat? She does now. She used to be a drug lady. Now she's a guns lady. And it's in her purse

or on her? Yeah, and it was in her purse and in no way like held down or like safety on her. Like next to the Tic Tacs. It was floating loose next to like,

yeah, next to her cigarettes and like her inhaler. Like she'd rummage around to it trying to get to her Tic Tacs, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, uh... Wait, wait, so, I mean, that's fun. Was she coming into this house? Oh, Christ, no. We're going to it trying to get to her tic-tacs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait.

So, I mean, that's fun. Was she coming into this house? Oh, Christ, no. We're going to Fresno and recording in her RV. Yeah, yeah. I just got that air conditioner, and I want to hold on to it for a while. All right, next one. So, my mom comes to this house and becomes the king of it. This is a good fan from the San Francisco area.

I've listened to you guys for a while. I've talked Connor on, guess what, Unpopped. Then I came over here and found you two guys, and I was like, oh, holy shit. I do ask that all voicemails... Oh, man, they left you out, Keith. Yeah, I do ask that all voicemails include 20 seconds of hemming and hawing.

I mean, it's hard because you don't prep, and then all of a sudden you're like, is this real? And then all of a sudden you're in the middle of jerking off anyway. God knows what he's doing in his home. It is funny when people are like, oh, fuck, that's right, showtime. Hi, mean boys. You're going to make fun of my voice. Anyway, what's your best Pokemon?

All right. I need to give them $5 of my government check every month. Fuck yeah. I'm not doing that. Ain't that great? Just had a little quick question for you. Fuck, marry, kill the evolved versions of the original. It was Pokemon.

God fucking damn it. On brand forever. You're not doing another. Which Pokemon would you fuck? We've done it so many times. Are you? Is this a lot of Pokemon talk on the show? Yeah.

We get a lot of fuck, marry, kill Pokemon questions. It's the only category of Pokemon question we get. It's always fuck, marry, kill. There's a famous moment where someone asked us which Pokemon we'd want to fuck, and we're breaking it down, and we realize that we just assumed we're fucking the guy version. Consider that there could be a female Bulbasaur. Yeah, there are two. Are there each, there's one of each sex? Well, yeah, they've got to fuck to make more ofaur? Yeah, there are two. Are they each?

There's one of each sex? Well, yeah, they've got to fuck to make more of them. There are genders in Pokemon. I'll switch from Charmander to Venusaur. I'm not doing this again. Well, you push now. My real question has something to do with my life, I guess. This is about to be the greatest pivot to a serious question of all time.

Do you think Charizard has booty? Yeah or nah? life, I guess. This is about to be the greatest pivot to a serious question of all time. Do you think Charizard has booty? Yeah or nah? Anyway, I had a miscarriage. Anyway, I'm living on the streets and considering becoming a day laborer, should I spend my last money on work boots or a gun to kill myself? Sickness, illness, plague thing. Doctors can't really figure it out. So I'm at home getting a government check,

not working, not schooling or doing anything. And my question for you is, if you guys had some sort of incurable, super gross something that kept you at home all day, what dumb, useless skill would you cultivate? I kind of already know how to play a couple instruments, so I know how to do that. But if that really interests you, what instrument would you learn? What color lightsaber would you build?

Yeah, I love you guys. I get depressed a lot because of this thing. And, uh, listening to you guys really helps bring me out of it a lot of the times. And that's dope. I hope, uh, snark week is going well for you guys. And I hope it doesn't kill you too hard so that you can keep making other people happy and bringing some light into the dark, terrible shit world that we're simulated in. All right. So I got to leave with the other source too. in the dark, terrible shit world that we're simulated in.

All right. So I got to lean with Venusaur still. I'm going to be honest. The more they talk, the more I'm like, whatever instrument they play, whatever record they're putting out, this is a thing I'm interested in. Just a sick, dying, living off the government,

lo-fi musician. Fuck yeah. That's a gloss over the part where he's like, I have some disease doctors can't diagnose. Can I say something to address that that's serious? I gotta say real quick, like, thank you so much. Yeah, seriously.

Fuck yeah. Just eating that much than anybody makes my entire life. That's why you do it. First of all, fucking thank you. Yeah, oh, just real quick, this probably isn't it,

but my friend thought he was dying. He was like, unable to work and shit. And he found out he was allergic to the mold that was behind his cabinet in his apartment. This friend this keith no no but sometimes you don't know like and he went to doctors for like a year and a half it was getting worse and worse and worse i

don't know if you've looked into that or not but i i've genuinely i i hope whatever it is you find a solution you get better and i would definitely please don't delete that patreon pledge i'm kidding do you know how like like both relieved and furious I would be if this man's body defied all medical science and then fucking Tom goes, did you look behind the cabinet? That's fine. It's just like, I thought I was going to be Spider-Man. And that guy, he invents something crazy, becomes a billionaire, just gives Tom all this money. He's like, you saved me.

I'm aware it would be more frustrating if I was right on this yeah yeah but uh that did happen to my friend which is why I want to throw it out but it took like a year and a half two years for them to get to that uh I would get back in the piano man I mean honestly a musical instrument is what brings you back into being fuckable like honestly with you you could figure out how to maintain a new lifestyle if you get sick at the guitar, you do one thing like then, you have something to offer society. Yeah, you could just keep learning instruments and then Trent Reznor that shit

and fucking record it all yourself. What shreds harder, this infection on my nervous system or me on this leg call? As far as sickness goes, mystery illness is one of the most fuckable, because I'm just like, ooh. What is it? He's got secrets. Yeah, exactly. And you can wear, like, a mask. Man, it's like

his fucking nervous system has a beard. Also, the doctor... You want to get banged by the dudes that took E.T. away? Get this dude up. He's out here. The doctors didn't say I couldn't come inside you. They said I shouldn't. Suggestion, not a guideline.

Yeah, man, well, doing something creative, I mean, it does kind of like, when you're just sitting in your bedroom, it can kind of, it is a good way to sort of open up the whole world to you, where you just see, like, all the possibilities, and you see the new things you have to learn. It makes it very exciting. So I think that's a good move for your situation. Shut-ins have a different lifestyle now than they did when even I was a child.

Absolutely. Even shut-ins back in different lifestyle now than they did when even I was a child. Absolutely. Even shut-ins back in the day, you know what I mean? Like, they would carve up fucking pussies and wear them over their dicks like they were pieces of art. They would have fun. Oh, that's what a shut-in is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what can happen. When he says this cock ring has been in the family for generations, it has a whole other meaning.

Exactly. It literally was your great-great-grandmother. Yeah, yeah. But nowadays, shut-ins, they've got the your great-great-grandmother. Yeah, yeah. But nowadays, shut-ins, you've got the world at their fingertips. Oh, for sure, yeah.

Because also, you open up a book, your imagination, it can take you anywhere. Also, next time I go to San Francisco, I'm visiting you in a bubble. Yeah.

I want to go... This guy's the lucky one. I've got to go out and do stuff? I've got to go out and do stuff? I had a drive today. Yeah, yeah. Also, earnestly,

I think that biography is literally the story of every indie comic book writer I like. It's like, I don't leave the house. Sometimes I'm not allowed to, but here's a book about me looking up stuff about the New Yorker. Now, if you could do us a favor and draw all three of us on your bed sores for the new iTunes art. Oh, fuck yeah. Seriously, though, the amount of writers and breakthrough books that were fucking too sick to leave the house, it's a lot of them.

Polio made people really creative. Yeah. And that's why it's good that it's coming back. One guy got polio and was like, well, I'm bored. I guess I'll beat Hitler. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to be president four times. I think just about everybody should make something.

Oh, fully agreed. Should try to do something. I think it's just good for you just emotionally. I think art is to a degree like cum, where if you just let it kind of build up, however it manifests, whether you knit or you tell jokes about ISIS, you've got to get it out or you're going to kind of get spiritual blue balls a little bit. It turns into cancer. Yes.

I heard that. I don't know if that's true, but old cum will turn into cancer. Yeah, yeah. That's what my older brother told me after he went to camp. That's why I've got to blow you. I'm sorry, you weren't molested by your brother, right? No, no, no. That's what my older brother told me after he went to see you. That's why I got to blow you. I'm sorry, you weren't molested by your brother, right? No, no, no. Great.

Boom. Tight. He doesn't have a brother. Can I tell you one of my favorite Connor moments of all time? That was the first roast battle against Keith and Connor. They talk about Keith's mom being gangbanger, him being molested, and Jeff Ross gets real bummed for a minute and goes, did those both really happen?

And the two of them with full smiles on their faces go, yeah. There was a brief moment where you watch Jeff Ross go, this is what I made. That's why they have to be associated with it. This is my creations. I have to Frankenstein you fucks for the rest of your goddamn lives. He thought I was going to go up and be like, nice shirt, shame it doesn't

come in your size. I was like, your mom got fucked when you watched. I got some candy for you if you lose

me, Ben. Just meet me in the van. It was truly a beautifully tragic moment. It's just both of you laughing

to a silent audience of concern. Like a boxing match where both boxers die and the guy in the fur coat in the front row is like, Beautifully tragic moment. It's just both of you laughing to a silent audience of concerned witnesses. It's like a boxing match where both boxers die and the guy in the fur coat in the front row is like, Ah, shit, bitches, we gotta go. Well, dude, take care of yourself. I hope you figure it out. Try that fucking mold tip.

That'll give you something to do. And if you're making music, fucking send it over to me. I'll make you a weekly rant on my show. Shoot it my way. We'll play it. So God bless. Take care. And fucking Henry, thank you so much for coming my show. Shoot it my way. We'll play it. So God bless. Take care. And fucking Henry, thank you so much for coming on.

This was a blast, dude. This was so much fun, man. Honestly, thank you guys so much. You guys are really funny. This is great. Oh, you were great, man. I'm glad you had the worst time. I'm asking this to all the guests.

If you'd like to shave a chunk of my hair out, you're welcome to. I'll let you rock, man. I thought we were getting close. I know. I don't mean to disappoint you, but, you know. Yeah, no, it's totally true. Was it the germaphobe thing? It's a lot of things, Tom.

Yeah, it's just like you have to. That's on your head. I'm mostly, I'm mostly. Yeah, but thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Listen to Last Podcast on the left. What else do you want them to check out? We're going to find you online.

Honestly, we have a Last Podcast on the left. We shot do you want them to check out? We're going to find you online. Honestly, we have a Last Podcast on the left. We shot our own live special. So we are self-producing it. We're self-producing it, self-distributing it. We're going to be putting it up soon. It's going to be on Vimeo. You can rent it. We're doing it so you don't have to sign up for an account.

Oh, great. So you can just watch it. Yeah. Oh, that rules. So I think it's going to be fun. I mean, it's all on our dime, and hopefully people like it. Nice. That's dope, dude.

Fucking invest in yourself. Got to, dude. That's the advice you should follow, but not if you're trying to start a T-shirt company in your garage, because then you just turn into a bad boyfriend. Them's the rules. Well, thanks again, man. We appreciate it. Absolutely.

Hells yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead.