Mean Boys - EP 172 - Tom Corp (feat. Gareth Reynolds & Rich Slaton)

Episode Date: December 8, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Listen to Rich's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/criiime/id1209821238?mt=2 Listen to Gareth's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-dollop-with-dave-anthony-and-gareth-reynolds/id643055307?mt=2 Follow our guest Gareth Reynolds on Twitter: twitter.com/reynoldsgareth Follow our guest Rich Slaton on Twitter: twitter.com/MMAcomic Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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along the go network and the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network starting at 30 for two people and up to 60 for a group of five buy your online go pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets all right so it's a date do a what of Snark Week? Oh, I burped. Sorry, everybody. Day six. Yeah, so here's the deal. This has gone up late because we had some sort of technical difficulties, which looked like it might be caused by an equipment malfunction from our H6 being dropped.

It basically led to one audio track being really crackly so i had to like go in and sort of track by like individually try to clean it up to make it preservable so most of the shows that's the good yeah yeah basically connor came home at like 11 30 last night in a pretty good mood and i was like hey i ruined everything rebuild the spaceship no you didn't ruin everything it was it was like an act of god situation yeah no i know and i so i i basically worked all day, and then I did three shows at a Christmas party that no one knew comedy was happening at for $60. And then I came home, and I worked on this for eight hours while you guys yelled at me on the internet.

So it was a really great, great day. Send Connor a thank you so that we even have a fucking episode out. I don't need a thank you or anything. You guys just, I don't know, shut up. Send him a thank you because he'll hate it. I would hate that, yeah. So, yeah, I did my best here, and it starts up in the middle of price check,

and it's pretty manageable until mailbag, and we're going to lose some of the conversation around some of the questions. It's going to be a little bit crispy at times, but there's enough good stuff that I was able to save, and I thought, you know, why not give you as much as possible? So just be wary of that going into it. Very sorry.

Won't have it again. We're going to figure it out. We'll probably have to buy a bunch of new shit. So great time to get those Patreon pledges in. Five bucks a month, weekly bonus content. Daily during Snark Week, we're dropping Meanopoly. Three hours of custom Mean Boys board game action. Which is actually a pretty quick Monopoly game.

Yeah, and honestly, if you guys liked Meanopoly last year, you're going to love this one. It's actually funny. Yeah, there's a lot of heat. This one is actually kind of good at times. Yeah, and there's drama, there's intrigue, there's a cast change halfway through. Yes. There's a lot of me being a complete jack. It's like Death Proof, but with Monopoly.

Yeah, exactly. And we're Kurt Russell, collectively. And we're all going to get beat to death by women. Yeah, and $10 a month, monthly goodies. Of course, this month we've made Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium fridge magnets, complete with tentacles and other fun details for you to enjoy in your fridge. And buttons are sent out and all that stuff, so you'll be seeing those in your mailboxes soon. Oh, man, Tom, you've got a great new iTunes review goal you just came up with.

Yeah, 500 iTunes reviews, and a fan gets to tase me in a live show. So go ahead, leave a review of the show, tell us where you live, and why you should tase me. We will, I think, because I heard a little bit of this discussion, but I do like the idea of having a sort of win-a-date- with Tom kind of like video submission contest. Yeah. For the next tour, we have people like, well, my name's Henry and I work three jobs to support my family and all I've ever wanted to do was hurt the guy from the internet. Yeah, we did get one lady tweeting us.

She was like, I already have the taser for it. And I'm like, I don't like how excited you are. I love how excited you are. I'm glad that lady has a taser. I mean, yeah, I mean, probably. But yeah, so do that. I do want to point out that since Tom has announced this challenge, we've gotten exactly zero new iTunes videos.

So I don't want to kick you while you're down, but I was a lot better at selling how much I hate soup. Oh, okay. How much you hate electricity. Yeah, because people are like, what's that going to do? Make him better? Like, I don't know. No, my body is Amish. It hates Gizmo.

I don't know. We've had several people ask if they could. No, we've had several people ask you guys if they could tase me, which is weird. Yeah, well, people do ask us. That is weird because I don't own you. I don't. People do assume you're some sort of organ grinder monkey that we just keep chained to a music box. That's what I feel bad about.

I really try not to give anybody that impression. I could not have less control over you. People have two perceptions of me. I'm like, you guys' pet and who? Those are the two different perceptions of me. Tom's his own man, dude. All right? We're all going to be working for Tom soon.

Yeah. Because the apocalypse is coming and he's the strongest. Yeah, he's a wise, feral adult. He can make his own terrible choices. I sure can. Yeah, and he's the strongest. Yeah, he's a wise, feral adult. He can make his own terrible choices. I sure can. Yeah, so that's going on. We should plug Gareth and Rich's stuff, since the plugs were sadly lost in the crackling. They were lost to an electrical fire.

After Thanos put on his glove made of magnets and put them near the computer and snapped. So, yeah, Rich has a great podcast called crime with three eyes where they tell true crime stories and his buddy john schefsky very funny comedian just like riffs and goofs along and it's uh it's one of those fun podcasts where you get to kind of learn something and have a good time so that's great yeah me and tom did an episode together it was really fun connor did one way back in the day yeah i did one a long time ago i was skeptical to go in because as as i as i you know i hate to bring it up but Rich's entire head is the same color. Even his hair is good.

It all matches, and I find it unsettling. But I've learned to get over that because he's such a great guy. And, of course, Gareth Reynolds' Dollop podcast. It's basically the podcast that Crying with Three Eyes ripped off. Yeah. But that's also phenomenal. And we can do nothing for them by plugging them because they're, you know. Oh, yeah, they have way more listeners than we do.

They're amazing. They're like a name brand. It would feel feel shitty not to plug it but there's no reason for us to plug it yeah but i mean look just out of solidarity if you haven't listened to the dollop uh you know they let's just say this they don't uh get their computers exploded and lose half the episode as often as we do yeah one of my favorite podcasts no yeah it's awesome yeah so you guys can check all that out. You can hang out on the Reddit and the Discord,

right guys? Yeah, Reddit, Discord, have some conversations with your fellow fans. The Discord's got a lot of fun things. There's a role-playing Mean Boys survival game

where currently Tom and Samir Suri have a flamethrower and are trying to survive on an island. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, that's going on. Why do me and Samir

hang out the most in games? It's just, it's so funny that people are like role-playing as incredibly unsuccessful people funny is alexis is writing that it's actually pretty fucking good oh i bet it is but yeah just she's really nailing the tone of everybody she's even writing like realistic leah kajanian dialogue and there's a yeah there's a tony hinchcliffe cameo in there that made me laugh out loud we're talking about going to survival camp with Bert Kreischer.

The trick to writing Leah is to just write Bill Belichick and then add estrogen. Bill Belichick. Hey. Hey. How didn't I get there, man? I'm mad at myself. It's teamwork is what it is. But yeah, go over to the Discord.

Go over to the Reddit. Subscribe to us on YouTube. Check out the vlogs from our time on the road. Tom just put up a new one fairly recently for Las Vegas. And I'm going to try to get completely caught up by the end of the year because we've got Seattle, Portland, and Denver in there, too. Yeah, and we've got to go. What is this voice you're doing? I'm professional.

And as we approach the end of the year, we are going to go back out on the road in the spring probably. So if you haven't filled out that tour sheet, it's still linked in the bio and on our website and everywhere else. Or you can still tweet me because you can't find it. Whatever you want to do. Yeah, let us know where you are because we're going to go back out there and see you guys again.

And, yeah, follow us on all the socials and all that bullshit. Tell a friend about the show if you're digging it. You know, help spread the word. Yeah. I think that's about it. So sorry again about all the fuckery. But, look, I did my best. It took an incredibly long time.

You worked really hard at this. You wouldn't be Snark Week without something going terribly, terribly wrong. No, I know. And I was like, day five, I was like, man, I did my best. It took an incredibly long time. You worked really hard at this. It wouldn't be Snark Week without something going terribly, terribly wrong. No, I know. And I was like, day five, I was like, man, I'm feeling great. I'm getting up early. I'm exercising. I'm eating healthy. Everything's good.

We feel a little snarked at this point. A little snarked. But I will say, you know, if the biggest terrible thing that happened during Snark Week so far is just the technical side fucked up, that's a pretty big win. Yeah. I'm not like, you know, i'm not in the greatest mood i'm faking my i'm i'm faking my way through some uh pleasantries here yeah all right well that's it listen to the Mean Boys Podcast. My long-term plan is death.

Everything leading up to that will be improvised. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Gareth Reynolds. I'm Rich Slayton. And I'm... A dad who's about to get in a fight at a Little League game. Accurate. Yeah, it honestly looks like you and Gareth are about to fight at a Little League game

that neither of your kids are playing. Or that they're on the same team and we're too drunk to know. 100%. Yeah, he's like, well, it honestly looks like you and Gareth are about to fight at a Little League game that neither of your kids are playing. Or that they're on the same team and we're too drunk to know. 100%. Yeah, he's like, well, I got to hit somebody. Everyone else is a mom. You're a tiger? Oh, my bad. Sorry about your teeth.

You guys team up and just start kicking children off the third baseline. What's wrong with that? Nothing. That's concerning now because you're a father. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have one of those. Oh, I always forget you do. Oh, I didn now because you're a father. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have one of those. Oh, I always forget you do. Oh, I didn't know you were a father.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I found one. Should you be in an area as full of biohazard such as this? Oh, I'm not going to see him ever again. It's fine. CPS is picking up the kid right now. That's why he was late. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, well, I'm just going to sign the paper saying that this one goes to work in the coal factory now. He has his shots, unlike these boys. He's not on the list. Yeah, man, it was pretty great. Gareth came in and immediately started shitting on Tom for living in the basement. And Tom's like, oh, have you know I live in the kitchen now? In the kitchen.

You've moved into a room. I've never heard. I've heard of everything. I know someone who's lived in a closet. That was me. Tom, enough. We don't need to hear the Cinderella story. I used to live in Oliver Hardy's hat closet.

Okay. Tom, stop. We don't need to hear the Cinderella story. I used to live in Oliver Hardy's hat closet. Okay. Tom, stop. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm weighted down with lead right now. We're less than two minutes in, and Garrett is not even destroyed. You live in a kitchen. I do. And your bathroom has body lotion next to the soap dispenser, a move dedicated for fine dining restaurants, and yet

you have lotion and soap available in your bathroom, and Tom lives in the room where cooking occurs. It's like the corner between the kitchen. I live between the toilet and the soup. Is that anything other than someone in the Navy can say? How do you know which one's which in this

house? Good soup! Tom, no! Adel Chowder! Who's in in this house? Good soup! Tom, no! Anal chowder! Who's in the basement now? That'd be me. I moved down to the basement and that was a come up. My life is quietly much sadder than Tom's. I just have more dignity living it. Whose room are we ruining right now, then?

Oh, this is Connor's, so feel free to take whatever you want. Oh, health insurance. Now it makes sense. Yeah, no, I have had so much Connor's in the road, so I'm fucking in a good room sex in here. Why did you have to go to the basement? Honestly, the basement is not that – well, because Tom described – But you had a room, right? I couldn't breathe on there.

The basement's not that musty. And there was just a curtain we had nailed to the ceiling. So you guys grew up without room definition. Is that what happened? 100%, yeah. Okay. Well, Tom grew up in, like, a house. I shared rooms with my dad.

Tom, what was that like? Yes. Yeah, I grew up – I a house. I shared rooms with my husband. Tom, what was that like? Yes. Yeah, I grew up like, I lived in a motel as a kid. I've lived in several like closets and bathrooms and that kind of thing. So you're comfy. Yeah, the basement, I was like, jeepers, mister. I get a whole door. All the meat?

Yeah, goddamn. Upgrade you to a bead curtain. Well, it was funny because the way Tom described living in the basement, he's like, yeah, it's the worst place ever. It's just spiders and mold. And then what happened is I cleaned for eight minutes and then it was funny because the way Tom described living in the basement, he's like, yeah, it's the worst place ever. It's just spiders and mold. And then what happened is I cleaned for eight minutes and then it was fine. I cleaned that place for 14 hours when I first moved in. You guys were like, oh, well, I'll help.

And then it was just me lugging the TV out by myself over there. My biggest complaint was that I could not breathe down there, which is a valid complaint. Yeah, not like next to the toilet. How's that kitchen oxygen? It's much better. All right. Yeah, you throw in the little vent over the stove and it sucks out all the demons out of Tom's fucking mouth.

That's impossible. How many people live here now? 15? This feels like a real world house and they like lost all the rooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Joseph Coney lives on the roof. There's nine comics in the laundry hamper right now. I thought about moving on the roof. Yeah, I know. Ask them how much they pay for this.

I already heard, but I don't know. Yeah, Tom pays like a bent soda cap that he used his dick because he thought it was a coin. I ain't happy about parting with this, Landy. And here's what kills me, and I know we've talked about this on the show this week,

but it's a big revelation. You live on the floor of a kitchen. You also have like an 800 credit score. We found out. Yeah, well, here's what I do, okay? When I was like 16, I got a a credit card i just use it for parking and then i paid it off because of the the payments were small and then i found out i have a credit score the other day we're driving to san diego they were all found out i have a credit score was there a way station and they were all making fun of me for like oh you got a got a credit card just use it for parking

and i have a great credit. I know I had great credit. I had to run the numbers by. Well, yeah, we mentioned the idea of checking your credit score. And Tom responded like the way you would respond to hearing an ethnic food you never heard of. Mmm, tapas. Credit score? Yeah, oh, is it spicy?

And you got a good one. I got a great one, apparently. Because you, in some version of your life, had the wherewithal to be like, you need credit. And now you live in a kitchen. No, someone told me I should get one. So, yeah, I got one. I think it was my mom. Okay.

It was the ghost that guides most of my business. Some lady I came out of. I forget her name. The name escapes me. The old kitchen I used to live in. He's also a great dancer, excellent cook. You're like, what the fuck is going on, Tom? You have it all, and yet nothing.

Yeah, Tom is secretly like a Superman, and we're just keeping him down because he would be a god if he ever achieved his whole life. Nah, I'm Batman. Here's the thing, I'm never... You know, whatever. I'm never going to use that credit score for anything because I don't have any money, and as soon as I actually make a purchase

with it... Hold on, wait, wait, wait, let's back up. Do you know how credit works? Not really. I know, I know. I mean, yeah. It's that thing you use to park with and then your friends are impressed. Yeah, that's my...

Yeah, no, you can buy things you don't have all the money for. Right, but then you have to make payments. Yeah, but how are you a responsible person in this room? The way he said payments was it was like the first time he'd said it. Payments. I've never had to make a payment more than like, what, $30?

Yeah, well you also just took the hat off and we need to acknowledge what's happened to your head. Tom, do you sleep with your head in the oven? Is that your dead Chuck Liddell costume? Oh no, he's alive. Well yeah, that's what it would make with the worms. The worms really go mohawk first.

Yeah. No, this is to promote the show, the audio media. How's it going? Good. Yeah, I think each video of us cutting his hair has gotten upwards of 40 views. I think it's worth the fact that he has to be a man who looks like that this week. If you'd like to shave a chunk of my hair as I do the Steamboat Willie, you're more than welcome to. It would be an honor.

This is why I love Gareth. This is why I fucking love Gareth. It would be an honor. All the other guests were like, no, no, no. But Gareth is like, hell yeah. Get out of your ivory tower and shave the man down a little. Tom grossed out Henry Zabrowski yesterday. That's the level we're working at.

Yeah, he played it cool. I don't think he was stoked I asked him. Nah, he was like, man, don't make me touch this wet, frightening dude. He played it cool. He played it cool. I don't think he was stoked I asked him. Nah, he was like, man, don't make me touch this wet, frightening dude. He played it cool. He played it cool. He acted like he'd been there before. Yeah, I've shaved a lunatic. I mean, yeah, he was rattled, but he handled it pretty good when he said he wouldn't shave me.

He finishes, he's like, your credit score's what? 800, whatever you want. Anyway, you rip it out if you like. 800. There's two credit scores. What do you mean? Hold on. Explain this to me, Tom, please.

They had two different numbers. You're thinking of the SATs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never took those. You have an 800 on credit and a 760 on verbal. I ran mine, and my credit score just doesn't exist anymore. The government just assumes I died because I was in so much debt. They're like, no one gets out of that alive.

So I'm a ghost and Tom is a... Here's my new scheme. I think if we took your credit in and we cleaned you up, we made you look like a normal person, we could maybe put a down payment. Clone zone. Helicopter.

Well, at least you guys are both thinking smart. And now we wonder why Carrie has no credit score. Well, yeah, but now I'm playing with house money. Sorry, kitchen money. If I'm going to take a big investment money, whatever the loan. How do I just turn into a shark on Shark Tank? I'm going to start Code Zone. I know.

You give Tom an inch and he becomes the devil. I don't know. I mean, I haven't heard anything I like so far over at TomCorp. Yeah, impress me. You know, I haven't heard anything I like so far over at TomCorp. Yeah, impress me. You know, I value myself at $1 million, so you can get 10% of that, like $100,000 or something like that. Tom, no, no, you're pitching the product. Oh, oh, oh.

You can buy the man, you can shave me, but I think I'm worth about $100, so I'm looking for a 10% investment off of $10. I've told you guys that. In perpetuity, Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, Mr. Wonderful, what do you have to offer? He just jingles his keys. Interesting.

I think I'm probably going to close shop right now based on what Mr. Wonderful's offering. Look, imagine an ice cream parlor. You go in. Here we go. Here we go. The emphasis is not on the ice cream. It's on the cone. You could have a hard...

I can't believe I get to hear what Cone Zone is. Everyone gets to hear what Cone Zone is. I'm the luckiest boy. It's all chocolate cone. This is the one idea Tom has ever had. All caramel cone, just hard vanilla, hard chocolate. Hard vanilla. Hard caramel. What is hard vanilla?

My dude, I'm not exaggerating. We spent 45 minutes of an episode fighting with him about the concept of hard vanilla. Okay, I'm not going to dig in. I mean, with this credit score, I'm not going to fight that. That's the thing. You have good enough credit to have terrible ideas and get away with them. I know. Yeah, get back to this helicopter.

I think that had a little more juice to it. But how does a helicopter make me money? How is Cone Zone going to make you money? Cone Zone's not going to make you money. People will buy the cones. Who are these fucking idiots? Here's the thing. Whether you're operating an ice cream parlor or piloting a helicopter, you're going to

die prematurely because of that activity. Oh, it won't be because of that activity. No, you'll die making a cone. For sure. Yeah, you'll be in back fucking putting a cone in the oven and then you'll be like, oven? That's bedroom. Bedroom sleep. And then gas will kill you. You'll die from gas.

I don't have a heater. It's a people microwave. Just climb up in there. Hot pillow. You're somehow going to be Willy Wonka and the kid that dies in the chocolate factory. But if he's a helicopter, you can die a spectacular death. You can go places. I don't know. What's more spectacular than being like, yeah, my brother got killed by a cone.

Why am I your brother now? Oh, no, I have a brother. Oh, yeah. And he has a brother, me. And not everything's about you. Have you ever thought about lawyerdom? It sounds like you've got a pretty good grasp on how the law works. You are the Johnny Cochran of the criminally insane.

What about doctoring? You know, that could work out, too. A doctor? Or you could be a surgeonologist. A surgeonologist? Yeah. One of them brain poke fellas. Yeah.

Yeah, I've always wanted to poke brains. I've got to get my edumacation. Go ahead and... Yo, I have knives. I brought my own tools. All right. This looks infected, I think. Just imagine that you're about to go under from the anesthesia for surgery.

You've told your wife you love her. And as your eyes close, you see Tom Lumberin... Good morning. ...holding a machete with peanut butter on it. This is the only breakfast implement he had. Hey, before we put you on, do you want to cut off some of my hair? I have a little bit left.

Yeah, he's like, all right. The patient's open. Just cut a little bit off. Yeah, why not? Is the spleen in the big part or the bottom part? That's an ice cream scooper. I'm from Cone Zone.

Cone Zone, empty. Ah, Jesus. Well, we're all fine. I hope you get enough money to make Cone Zone. Yeah, man. I think it would be a big success. I disagree, but I still hope you get enough money to make Cone Zone Yeah man, I think it would be a big success I disagree, but I still hope you get the capital I'll make you a deal

Next time we go on tour When we go to Chicago or something I will look into how much it costs for you to make A small batch of Cone Zone related activity And I will let you operate a Cone Zone food truck Wait, what is this you letting me part? He's with all the money. What's up?

I have the money. I have the cones. He's the finance here. I have the hair. What do you have? Yeah, he's got the hair. Think about a world where you figure out the process of buying cone ingredients. Tom, how would you get this to happen?

Huh? Google. They got everything. There we go. That's the beginning and the end of the plan. He's going to Google build my ice cream store. Yeah, and Google's going to be like, what? If Google's like, go talk to Keith, then I'll trust you.

Jesus Christ. Well, we're all fired up and I already want to hit Tom. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Hi, so topical. Tom, you want to take it away this week? Oh, boy. Sure. What have you been working on in the kitchen this week, though?

Oh, okay. Certainly not food. Yeah, this one just says, can lasagna be a blanket? Am I lasagna? That's the next Google. Cones on lasagna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef cone.

Beef cone. That's just a gyro. Oh, shit, you're kind of right. All right. A Dutch 69-year-old man's lawsuit to legally change his age to 49 has failed. But congrats on him to... Damn it! Congrats to him on finding the only possible way to let everyone in the world know he is actually 69.

Fuck! Solid ending. That was a journey, dude. You're ready to be a proprietor. I forgot how it started. Me too. Fuck. It was about cones, right?

Yeah. Had to be. This is why I love when you get super confident about an idea, because I know we're going to have to make you read two sentences pretty quickly afterwards. We're not going to do joke-offs in the cone zone. It's going to be an ice cream-related business. You might have to talk to a customer, too, though. Yeah.

I like that you will somehow... Hey, so do you want it with sprinkles? Do you want it with the... Ah, fuck! What is your business? We just came in here to use the bathroom, but we're baffled by what you've done. This is a nightmare. It's hard vanilla.

Oh, my God. All press is good press. We came to use the bathroom. It's cool. My dad's at work. Yeah. Old fag did... Retweet it in real life. People will is good press. We came to use the bathroom. It's cool. My dad's at work. Yeah. Old fag. Retweet it in real life.

People will tell each other. I'll get more business that way. It'll be great. Retweet it in real life. It's like I'm talking to the prophet. Yeah. Prophet of Cone. Cone and Zone.

Okay. Jesus Christ. A woman signed up to be here. I was asked. Yeah. A woman is in physical therapy after breast cancer caused her to lose her legs. When asked for comment, the tumor said, the legs?

I knew I shouldn't have taken that left turn at the nipple. We've been doing this for six days in a row. They're getting weird. Oh, they sure are. It's like a pervy Looney Tune. John Kelly is rumored to be leaving the White House as the chief of staff in the next coming days. When asked what Kelly would do next, he said he was excited to go back to living in the back of a Denny's,

drinking decaf alone at a booth, and saying, You weren't there to anyone who made eye contact. Fuck. Death. I already caught whatever you guys are growing here. All right. You know, Tom was actually just a bunch of mold that formed into a man. Yeah, Tom is 98% spores.

That sounds like an origin story I can believe. Have you met Stachybotrys over here? This is our fella. Have you met my friend Todd the Mushroom? Don't eat him. Like, you live on, like, Bowser's couch in the Mario universe. Like, your fungus, but you didn't learn how to spit fireballs or anything. Did I tell you about my mom fighting with a scientist over Thanksgiving on whether or not you could eat raw mushrooms?

What scientist did your mom meet? I also really thought you were going to say the story of my mom fighting with Bowser. What is the... Oh, my sister-in-law's boyfriend was just like, yeah, if you eat raw, portable... I don't remember the kind of mushrooms. Yeah, you can die. My mom's like, that's bullshit. I've been doing it for years.

He's like, well, you can die. She's like, she just dies. No, I can't. Yeah, they turn into a whole Thanksgiving thing. He also has a knuckle tattoo that says risk. I don't know if he's alive. Sorry, where does he work out of? Which scientist?

Which scientist does he do? Something involving pot. But he said he was a scientist. Involving pot? Yeah, I guess... Not a scientist. I think, Rich, involving pot, but he said he was a scientist. Involving pot? Yeah, I guess that's how I believe he's a scientist. I think, Rich, you're missing. He said he was a scientist. Oh, that's a good point. I believe he's a flavorologist at the Mountain Dew think tank.

We're looking for a guy like you at Conzone. Could use a flavor scientist. So far we've got vanilla cones, and now we're kind of sputtering out a little. Well, I'm really working on a car powered by Rockstar, but when I'm done with that... HBO announced the TV show Game of Thrones will officially be ending in 2019 because, quote, we can no longer compete with the news as the best show about rape and murder.

Oh, Jesus. That's a Slayton. There you go. We were driving down the street the other day and there was just a billboard, like a for your consideration billboard for Game of Thrones, and there's just a billboard for your consideration, a billboard for Game of Thrones, and it's just a lady eating a heart. Yeah, it's very weird.

Which rips, but I'm just like, man, remember when we just weren't allowed to look at that? Yeah. And I hear just a kid who's outside in Hollywood. It's like, here's a fucking murder. Vote for this. Yeah. Yeah, I'm terrified for kids who live in Hollywood. Wow.

Yeah. And they're terrified of me. Yeah, for sure. Wow. Yeah. And they're terrified of me. For sure. There it is. A Denver man is claiming that a teen asked him to kill her. Upon following up, he said, that had to be what she was asking. She was wearing a short red dress. First of all, weird turn.

I get where you were going with that. Yeah. I can't say that often, by the way. It also feels weird to hear you do a dumb guy voice. Oh, yeah.'t say that often, by the way. It also feels weird to hear you do a dumb guy voice. Oh, yeah. This is me.

It just sounds normal. Boy, you sound like an aristocrat. Wow, he must have an 800 credit score. I figured it out. With the mohawk like that, you look like a Chuck E. Cheese

animatronic band member that survived a fight. Yeah, that's very true. It's not really a mohawk. It never really was fully a mohawk. No, it's really just like a farm from a John Steinbeck novel.

If you would have got my hair good to begin with, I wouldn't have had people take chunks out of it. Well, you should have thought about that before I was stupid. The University of Ohio has installed a bacon vending machine. The machine was approved by U of O's new dean, two dogs in a human costume. Donald Trump, our president, was apparently not honest this week when he said that he and president of China, Xi Jinping, had a discussion over dinner

that resulted in a deal. When people discovered it was a lie, whoops, people discovered it was a lie, and the market has gone up and down on Trump so much this week He's giving it $150,000 to shut its fucking mouth Oh no Are we still recording

Fucking hopefully Yes Everyone check your mics Check Tom Tom Tom Tom

Tom Tom Tom Tom, Tom. Taint, taint. Tom, Tom. Taint. Tom, Tom. Taint, taint. Tom, Tom, Tom. Son of a bitch. Tom, just go. Taint, taint. Tom. Check, check, check.

Rich, one time real quick. Connor, have fun editing this. Yeah. We both know he's leaving it in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For those of you who don't know what happened, Keith just threw the recorder on the floor for some reason.

I was trying to just spike the football to get Gareth's joke a big read. Thank you. Well, now it makes sense, and I appreciate it. Body fat levels have been linked to breast cancer in postmenopausal women, which explains the American Cancer Society's new slogan of no fat chicks. Man, every time a fat joke comes out and it doesn't end up being about me, I'm like, oh, I don't want Connor to ever come home. Yeah, the panic that sets through you when the premise being about me, I'm like, oh, I don't want Connor to ever come home. The panic that sets through you when

the premise is out there, you're like, oh no. Well, yeah, and it's just any food product. Oh no, it's coming my way. 40 pounds of recalled hot dogs. Here we go. In-N-Out pranked Tulsa, Oklahoma by putting up a coming soon In-N-Out sign.

Upon hearing that it wasn't real, the governor of Oklahoma stated, I'm sure the people of Oklahoma will react reasonably to this as he waved goodbye to a nearby federal building. They're detonating their own buildings. They're not a reasonable people. Have you guys been to Oklahoma? Yes. They're so nice people.

They're not very, like, if I talk to you out there, I'm not talking about you, but just the general energy. Good save. Very hostile out there. Well, yeah. They're like bombs. Well, the state motto is, fuck you, give me a dollar. Did you ask the scientist at Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I should have. A scientist at your Thanksgiving. Hey, is there any rope to hang myself with for dinner? I just want to quickly kill myself before the turkey comes out. So I'm thinking, yeah, pumpkin pie, maybe touch football, and then maybe I analyze Tom's brain for a while. How about that? Why don't we get Tom's brain in a jar for a little bit?

Yeah, get in there. See what's glowing. They were inconclusive. That's not a bit. That's true. Wait, what? How? Inconclusive for what?

They wanted to do, when I was in the mental hospital, they were like, hey, can we do some tests on you? And I was like... For sure. I was like, well, why? And they're like, we'll give you money. I'm like, Sal, that's a good reason. I do have a pretty good credit score.

And they were like, yeah, we don't know. This doesn't really help our test after all. And then that was all the info they gave me. They couldn't verify you're actually human? They gave me 50 bucks. Code Zone is a passion project. Because here's the thing. It's certainly not like a business project.

I love the idea of a good cone, but so many cones are bad. And I would always... You're talking to us like we pitched you the idea. We have no interest in this insanity. You wouldn't like a caramel cone? What are you talking about? You want to limb guys, to be honest, if there was a cone zone, I'd go in once. Just to be able to know what it is.

I'd be like, yeah, caramel cone. All right, that's cool. How's your ice cream? It's dog shit. We put a lot of emphasis on these cones. All right, chocolate, not ice cream, ice cream, peanut butter cone. Does that not sound great? A mother was arrested for drowning her twin sons at a motel. Not ice cream. Ice cream, peanut butter cone. Does that not sound great? It just...

A mother was arrested for drowning her twin sons at a motel. When asked why she did it, the mother said, you know how kids are. No fair. Billy gets a toy. I want a toy. Billy gets to play in the pool. I want a glub, glub, glub, glub, glub.

Oh, I love Snark Week. I killed two kids to not hear about it. Kevin Hart was finally picked to be the host of the Oscars, but quickly pulled out after people discovered homophobic tweets he had made under a decade ago. Also, the planet has ten years left because of climate

change. Man, that was the... Literally, I'm going to do a joke next I wrote a joke about it and 20 minutes later He had already quit Oh, it's crazy Yeah, it was bananas And I'm just like, man, we're never going to get a job

Doing this show Yeah, yeah, that's why I'm not in comedy anymore You guys don't know that, right? I left, I'm out I'm out forever, it's fun Oh, I was never going to get a job That's true Nah, you can pull it off

Yeah, it's kind of cone zone or nothing for this fella. He really falls deep on the zone. You know what? I might join you at this point. Yeah? It sounds like a great idea, to be honest. It's just an orphanage for failed comics. Look, your idea and my everything else, I think we can make this thing work.

You look like you could be like a 1940s ice cream man if we gave you like a nice hat or something. A hat? Excited for the new job? Finally. Someone will pay at least. Before we're talking about office spaces, hat options. You look good in a hat, wouldn't you? You look like a Mr. Goodbar.

You're the good humor man. Throw a little hat on you. Hey, where'd the money go? Well, we had to do a whole hat thing in New York. We had to make sure we got it right. Has anyone seen Rich? I slept in an oven. You want to make an omelet, you got to wear a bunch of hats.

Omelet cone? Tom, no. Too late. Quiche cone. Put all the money into it. Dangerous mudslides are expected in Southern California this weekend as rain hits dirt loosened by the recent fires. Also, because Keith Carey ate two burritos from Don Carlos Taco Shop.

There it is. You motherfucker. Boom. The post office took an entire day off to commemorate George Bush Sr. Ironically, the same people who are mourning him will be spying Obama when he dies by getting you your mail on time. Really makes you think. I always heard Obama was a Muslim who delivered mail late. Political and unclear.

Checks a couple boxes. I don't even know which side you're on in that joke. I'm going to air it racist just because you don't have enough hair. Here's what I did yesterday that got cut off in the edit. A new report claims that the number of child exorcisms performed in the U.S. is at an all-time high. Honestly, I'm just happy to see a priest taking something out of a kid for a change. Like it.

Like it, love it, want some more of it. George Bush was George H.W. Bush, to be clear, not W. George H.W. Bush was finally laid to rest yesterday after eight days of nonstop coverage. Thoughts and prayers are with CNN at this tough time. I do love that he goes on, like when you die in politics, you go on like your last tour, like you're the Rolling Stones. Yeah, it's weird. Did anybody want to come look at this old body? That's what they used to, on you die in politics, you go on, like, your last tour. Like, you're the Rolling Stones. Yeah, it's weird.

Did anybody want to come look at this old body? That's what they used to, on some of the episodes we've done, like, you hear about, like, these people taking trains across the country. And you're just like, who takes a fucking five-year-old to be like, look at the dead man? Yeah, look at that. That one didn't fix AIDS. Yeah. Like, wow. Click.

Yeah. Yeah. Redskins quarterback Alex Smith is reportedly battling infection from a leg surgery to repair a broken bone. Quote, I don't know how it could have happened, said Cherokee Hospital surgeon chief. Never washes blankets. Oh, yeah. I was very unsure of that one. So thank you.

I've got nothing near as good as that one. I'm unsure of all of them. Gov, help me. Nurse Karma is a bitch A Catholic school teacher is claiming she was fired Because she was pregnant and unmarried The Catholic school responded Yeah, like that's our whole deal

The unwed pregnant Catholic teacher Is the equivalent of having a doctor Who's giving you health advice While pumping their own insulin And eating Haagen-Dazs But what's the cone like? That's exactly what I was setting up for. Thank you, Rich.

Yeah, he left that pause for someone else to hit it. Yeah. He's like, eh, cone-related machinery. Yeah. That's exactly what I was setting up for. That's what I'm here for, guys. Look, it's, yeah, welcome to the outside hitter. We're spiraling towards the end of Stark Week, and it's only going to get worse, everybody.

And my final joke for today, a joke that was relevant for exactly 23 minutes. Kevin Hart is set to host this next year's Oscars. The Academy considered dozens of comedians, but ultimately agreed that Hart is the best live-action short. Good. Nice. I see it.

Roger Stone pled the fifth this week in the Robert Mueller investigation with the president in Russia. Roger Stone also has a tattoo of Nixon on his back, so insanity was also an option. I don't know most of the people you mentioned. I miss the days when we didn't have to know about all these people. Sure. Yeah, yeah, you know. I like it.

They're big players. Yeah. No, they are. Elementary school is what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. You didn't have to know. Yeah, I miss when it was it. They're big players. Yeah. No, they are. Elementary school is what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. You didn't have to know. Yeah, I miss when it was just Shapes and Grover. Yeah.

You don't know Elmo? Yeah, you know, hey, I'm with that guy all the time. He likes to cone zone. This is the one that's going to send me to hell. Okay. A 13-year-old boy with autism died after being restrained at his school after he became violent. Oh, boy. While humans are universally sad, pets everywhere rejoiced upon

hearing their revenge had finally been served to the I love you so much, let's hug killer. Oh man. Oh my god. That's rough. You guys don't bring me here to replace Connor for nothing. That might be the roughest joke we've ever made. Oh my god.

It made Mrs. Slayton laugh. So, I'm married well. Yeah. As she locks the door to the nursery. Yeah, uh-huh. Don't go in there anymore.

Yeah, good job, Uncle Rich. You got promoted. Did you call me uncle? No, I said dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fake dad. Former dad.

Oh, yeah. I don't miss running jokes by girls. They typically don't like my joke-offs. Well, they're like the rest of us. I'm just picturing you jumping through a woman's window. You'd be like, you want to hear a thing about a car?

People still blame Obama because it came the day of. Hang on, wait. The secret is that it's long. Okay, wait. Do you have 78 minutes set aside? And then the cop later that night, and what was his hair like, ma'am? Wow, officer.

I'm going to start the sentence nine times like I'm starting a rusty lawnmower first. All right, that's it for the Mexican Joke. The Meatball Podcast will be right back right after this. Hey, boss. You wanted to see me? Yeah, come on in, Scooter. Close the door. Have a seat.

I came as soon as I got the call. I gotta tell you, it's been a real busy day. Hot afternoons like this, there's lines down the block. Nothing makes a sunny afternoon a little brighter quite like an ice cream. How long have you been with the company, Scooter? Coming up on ten years, and I've loved every minute of it. You know, some people would look down their nose at being

a Mr. Swirly driver, but not me. An honest day's work, and you get to be the most popular fella in the whole darn neighborhood? It's the best. This is the hardest part of my job. Scooter, we're going to have to let you go. What? No! Please, Mr. Bossman, driving the Mr. Swirly truck

is everything to me. I'm sorry. It's out of my hands. Why? Is it because the till came up a dollar last week? I wasn't getting sticky fingers. Honest. The kids on the corner of Mulberry and Hawkins went on vacation, that's all. No, it's not that. Well, then what is it? I could change, boss. I swear.

You ate a kid. What? A kid. You ate him. Like, with your mouth. That's crazy talk, mister. I don't know nothing about eating a kid. You're not gonna talk your way out of this, Scooter. We know you ate Johnny Phillips over on Winchester Avenue. Well, these are pretty big accusations. Isn't a fella entitled to some evidence?

Well, let's see. The last place he was seen was getting into your truck. Happenstance! The body was found with bites taken out of it, and they match your dental records. Speculation! And right here we've got surveillance footage from the parking lot, and if you look in

that window, you can clearly see you chewing on his arm. Uhhhhhhh. You can see how my hands are tied here It ain't what it looks like I was molesting him Yeah, that's the ticket

Just giving him a diddling Scooter, come on I run an ice cream truck company I know what a molestation looks like It was a one-time thing You gotta believe me Really? So this isn't your day planner we found in the bathroom?

The one that says Tuesday, 12.30 4 o'clock, eat more children? I meant children's, the barbecue place down on Main Street. Be that as it may, this is the fourth time this month you've gotten mixed up in this sort of thing. And we can't look the other way. It's like that old saying goes, where there's smoke, there's a guy eating kids. So that's it? Just like that? I'm afraid so. Okay. I understand.

We heard how they done you dirty. You should sue. You're the best damn Mr. Swirly driver we've ever had. I appreciate it, fellas, but my pops always told me to stand up for what you believe in, so I'm gonna walk out of here with my head held high. Hey, mister. Hey, little fella. Are you a Mr. Swirly Man? Not anymore, kid. Not anymore. Scooter went on to eat that child and seven others. He was then arrested, convicted,

and executed. The town of Elk Grove, Michigan erected a statue to Scooter, their beloved Mr. Swirly Man, on Main Street, across the street from Children's Barbecue. Shortly thereafter, Elk Grove suffered from an overpopulation of children, and with their natural predator extinct, the town was destroyed within six months. Hey Tom, it's Keith, pick up the phone. Hey, I just listened to the farty 9-11 sketch on the Keith Ray and Andrea episode, and the fans are not happy. At Old Man Tuna Fish told us to die in a fire. At Fat Ball Skinny Dick said that we were worse than a million Hitlers. At Hitler said they loved it. Do you know how upsetting it is to be loved by Hitler?

I know it's Snark Week, but farty 9-11 was day two. What's next? You're going to do a sketch about a dude in Japan shitting and then seeing the atomic bomb dropping at the same time? Fuck, man. All right, let me know where you're at. That is one thing with this haircut. You really can't even say Obama or people assume they know what you're talking about.

I don't think anyone thinks they know what you're talking about. Hey, we're jumping right back in there. Mean Boys podcast returns. Even off air, we can't stop with the Tommy. Here's my question. We haven't discussed this. So, start week ends day after tomorrow.

Are you going to shave it all off? Die it. You're going to die what's left? No, I'm probably going to shave it off. Ah, you fucking coward.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you're a coward. Yeah. That's the hair of a coward. That's what everyone sees when they go, Tom, the coward? The unbreakable. Tom. That's the hair of a coward. That's what everyone sees when they go, Tom, the coward? The unbreakable.

Tom, the guy who sleeps in a kitchen and look like raccoons fought over his mohawk, is a coward. Tom said the most amazing thing. We were talking about you coming in last night, and he's just sort of like, oh, man. I'm like, what? He's like, I don't have any new stories about meeting animals. What about being the raccoon king? You've become Pharaoh inside. Yeah, that's true.

It really speaks to what you need to accomplish over the next year in order to have some new stuff. I know. Let's get some animals and meat. Well, Gareth, I don't know if you know this. You're one of very few guests who enjoy my animal stories. Don't start running out the door. Listen, I'll tell you. I guess I enjoy them for everybody because they're dynamite.

Well, sometimes we try to, like, Tom meets people and we try to, like, explain. Tom, like, he's a panda. You know, sometimes when we take Tom out of the cage and he meets people. Sometimes Tom meets people and they don't really know what to do with it. They don't get it. From the minute he brought up getting fucked by a skunk, you were like, I'm in. I listen. Skunk fucked.

Yeah. Yeah, this podcast has succeeded in many successful comedians thinking I am mentally disabled. I want to come on one of those, too. And I don't know if they're wrong. Yeah, Jeff Ross was like, so does he go back to the hospital after this? What time they get him back? They send one of them buses, like the little ones? Jeff Ross' face was hilarious when he realized

I was also on the podcast. Some sort of homeless butler. They just give you a microphone to feel like you're part of it. It's not plugged in. We just let him talk. I'm on the podcast. Alright, buddy. You sure are. Keep it down. Go to the corner and do your show. Okay! It's not plugged in. We just let him talk. I'm on the podcast. All right, buddy. You sure are. Keep it down. Go to the corner.

Do your show. Okay. It's like when a little kid has a fake steering wheel in the passenger seat. I'm helping drive. You sure are, Tom. We wouldn't be getting to the store

without you driving. We're going to throw into one of our favorite new games. This game is called Price Check. The way this works is very simple.

I give you two things. You guys got to guess which one is more expensive and there's a theme to each pairing. A game George H.W. Bush would not be able to play. Price of milk? No idea, that guy.

Is that a thing? Yeah. He went to the grocery store once, and they were like, for a presidential moment, they were trying to scan the milk on the scanner, and he was like, and what are those lasers? They were like, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck. And I'm to understand, I gave you some manner of paper. Yeah, dude, that gives points to the lizard people theory.

Are those lasers? That's terrifying. Well, the scanner, you know, the scanners. That's not a quote. I mean, I'm all for you believing in the lizard people. Look, Garrett, everything you say I take as fact. So I don't know. Tom, listen to me.

Okay. Get in with these lizard people. Hell yeah. That's the only way to get cones on our face. That's a great idea. That's the new animal story for next year is I get abducted by aliens. I want you in a robe pissing on a big bunny with fellow lizard people. Tom is also trying to wear a human costume.

They're like, you don't have to. You're already a guy. I just want to fit in. I tried cutting my face off. All right. That doesn't make any sense. No, I thought there was a lizard in there. I thought you pulled it off like a mask off. All right. That doesn't make any sense. No, I thought there was a lizard in there. I thought you pulled it off like a mask easier.

All right. Yeah, I said, I watch Scooby-Doo bad guys do it. All right, so first round is things the president rides. Which one costs more, a month's salary for the pilot of Air Force One or the average cost of a mail-order bride? Air Force One. Mail-order bride, 100%. Okay.

The mail-order bride, does that include shipping what country sorry also and did obama do it yeah but it just said average but like central european like like that's where you get most of them that's yeah russia adjacent like too many consonants in the name of the country like that you're kazakhs you're uzbekis you're john check or some shit like that maybe yeah well i know a guy who guarded both Obama and George W. No, you don't. No, we actually. Why? He runs a bar in Fresno now, but he was like Secret Service for two presidents.

Wow. But he doesn't have a ton of money, so I got to go mail order bride. Okay. He didn't drive the plane. We don't know that. Microphone's falling out of the thing. I'm going mail order bride. Month's salary for the pilot of Air Force One, $10,000.

Average cost of a mail order bride, $8,000. Whoa. Yeah, which seems low. They're overpaying those pilots. Yeah. There are no pilots. They're underpaying those girls. Yeah, exactly.

Because whoever you're going to fuck if you're a mail order bride, it's not going to be a great time. No, no. Look, $8,000 for a person these days? you're a male or a bride, it's not going to be a great time. No, no. Look, $8,000 for a person these days? You mean in this economy? Really? That's great prices. Yeah, no one who can't just find a lady by being a gross rich guy.

You know what it is? It's the exchange rate. The dollar's really strong right now. Tom, jump in on this. You're the guy with the credit score. Yeah, seriously. We're just talking numbers. Man, what if we buy you a wife?

I'm in. I'm in. I'm in so much right now. By the way, I'm 100% in. And really, the only caveat I have is that you can't tell her where she sleeps until she gets here. Where is my bedroom? Oh, baby, you sleep in the kitchen with me. No, I cook for you here, and then we go to bed.

Yeah, right here, so you can cook and lay down. We'll make hot pockets. Look, I can reach the microwave without getting up. Took a while. Civil War not seem so bad now. Let's be clear. Eight grand was the average, right? So there's a four grand bride out there. Two grand.

The lowest price, like on that thing I put you on, $1,000. We could get $1,000 a month. Dude, you and I could do this ourselves. Without question. So we'll get you a bride, and see, we go bottom barrel, because then when she sees that, she's like, you know what could do this ourselves. Without question. So we'll get you a bride. And see, we go bottom barrel because then when she sees that, she's like, you know what? This is fine. I can do it. We'll buy you a $1,000 mail order bride.

If I marry her, does she have access to my credit score? Someone's keeping the keys to the palace. The most cogent question you've ever asked a person. First of all, great point because I didn't think about it. We'll draft. I like that you think a credit score is a thing you can spend. The only situation we're taking is in this it. Well, draft, I like that you think a credit score is a thing you can spend. The only situation where Tom needs it. Keep it in this drawer.

No, you don't, Tom. We found the scenario where Tom actually needs a prenup. You don't get access to my cards. That's going to be the deal breaker for her. Why assign prenup? Well, Tom's worried you're going to get half his nothing. Here's what I'm thinking. We have a new Patreon goal.

Oh, yeah. Look, worst case, we give a green card to a nice lady who doesn't want to live in China anymore. Yeah, no, I mean, I'll do it. All right. That's how we're going to do it. You hear that? Yeah. Lawyers?

Yeah. There we go. This seems legal. Yeah, I'm all about letting people come to America. I just, I don't know. I haven't met this lady yet. Yeah, you mean when she gets here. That's the point.

What if there's no chemistry? You don't get to know them. Yeah, that's what the $1,000 is for. Yeah. But then you don. What if there's no chemistry? You don't get to know him. That's what the thousand dollars is for. But then you don't know if she actually likes you. Tom, baby, boobie, what's not to like, baby? Come on! You've got it all! A half mattress in the

kitchen? Some of a mohawk, yeah! Decent credit score, a great business idea. You are a catch. It's actually so sweet how romantic you are. You're all nervous. Your energy's changed a little. You're like, what if she doesn't like me? Yeah, I'm very sensitive.

This is like Notting Hill, but disgusting. Holy shit. I'll marry a stranger. I've thought about doing that as a bit anyway. That's what this is, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. This is not a real relationship. I think this is, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is not a real relationship. I think you're thinking of this conversation. Yeah. All right. Round number two. This is. I'm ordained, by the way. I'll marry you guys. Oh, shit.

Yeah. I mean, we're literally just a bride away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could get. Connor probably has a thousand dollars. Yeah.

He seems like a guy with money. Look. He's got all these shoes. Health insurance, a SoCal gas account, donate a Chevy Cobalt, apparently. I don't know where he got that from. He doesn't have one. He's going to go steal one from someone else. Once I get one, I'm going to give it away.

He wrote a social security number up here. It's 352. I have that memorized. I have that memorized. You know Connor's social security number? Oh, no, I know my social security number. Oh, I fucking hope so, Tom. That's great, too. I have that memorized. Tony Chevy Cobalt. What's up? I have that memorized. You know Connie's social security? Oh, no, I know my social security. Oh, I fucking hope so, Tom. That's great, Tom. That's not a skill.

That's great, Tom. When the bar's the floor. Round number two. This is sent in by a fan, Alexis, at Death to the Filth on Twitter. This is a penis replacement round. Which one costs more? A five-inch stand-to-pee prosthetic dick or a nine-millimeter Taurus pistol? Dick.

Okay. Hold on. Read those two again? Yeah, yeah. A five-inch stand-to-pee prosthetic dick. So this is a fake dick you wear that you can pee standing up. Sure, sure, sure. Or a nine-millimeter Taurus pistol.

Pistol. So, yeah, I never thought about that. If you buy a dick, you get to choose how big it is, huh? Oh, yeah. Why would you choose five inches? Well, you're being modest. Or is it a price thing? You wear tight pants.

You don't want to deal with it. I don't know if they charge by the inch like you're buying, like, rope at a Home Depot. Are they working on the Joanne Fabrics model? Yeah, no, I'm trying to get, like, 30 yards of dick. I'm trying to reupholster a couch. Same hand, sir. I was in a sex shop once, and they had this, like, human torso that you'm trying to reupholster a couch sir i was in a sex shop once and they had this like a human torso that you could buy to fuck just the torso and there

was a woman with with big tits and then there was uh one that had big tits and a huge dick and that one cost more and i'm just guessing that the dick was extra material just yeah it was nice like 40 dollars extra yeah it's more product. Fake dicks are surprisingly expensive. Shockingly. Man, I went to a sex store recently. I was just picking something up, and I was there by myself. You can't just breeze over what you're picking up, by the way. What's up? You can't just breeze.

I was picking something up. I sure can, because my girlfriend is very nice, and I want to keep dating her. Oh, I thought it was just me. Yeah, but it rhymes with... Oh, I thought this was the collar thing. No, we already talked about that. Oh, we did? Okay. Yeah, I... No, I'm this was the collar thing. No, we already talked about that. Oh, we did? Okay. Yeah, I...

No, I'm not telling this. Look, maybe I bought a leash for my girlfriend at a pet cafe. Oh, wow. Might be a thing I had to do. This might be the greatest story I've heard ever. Well, they didn't have them at the place, like the sex store. That's a good point. And I was like, there's a pet store right next to it.

Did you chip her? What's up? Did you get her the chip? See, and this is the man who corrects me on my business ideas. If you lose her, then they'll be able to find you. She's a rescue. Are you guys familiar with Tenga in Japan? No, what is that?

I was just in Tokyo, and they have their giant Sears, basically. It's like Sears on acid, where it's everything you could buy in one store. And a giant display just out next to the kids toys section called Tenga. I looked at it and it's these little cans. I have a picture on my phone. Yeah. And they say it's a whole display of fuck cans. It's like disposable.

Fuck cans? Disposable fleshlights is the best way I can put the tangas. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I'm just picturing like those. Like pussy jewels? Oh, I already saved the pictures on my computer. They're not on my phone anymore. Oh, wow. I'm just picturing like those like pussy jewels. Oh, I already saved. I already saved the phone. The fixed pitch is my computer. They're not on my phone anymore.

Oh, wow. I'm just picturing like those things you get at like the aquarium or whatever, like the little rubber thing with like the plastic fish. They're like they're like the size of of like twice the size of your ibuprofen jar there. I want you to snap. And they're like they're like they're like ten dollar disposable fuck cans. Dude, outside fucking sucks. I'm glad I'm in the kitchen.

Tom, what has happened? What do you who hears that story is like, I'm in the kitchen. Tom, what has happened? Who hears that story and is like, I'm doing it right. That's efficient. Well, that's the thing with a flashlight is when you have it, the maintenance of the flashlight is the saddest thing you will ever do. I'm sure. Yeah, there's no maintenance here. Oh, yeah, here we go.

The Tenga spinners. There we go. The Tenga original vacuum cup. And it says you can get different strengths of suck. You can get hard suck or soft suck. It's so weird. Oh, I mean, who's getting soft? Who's like, I want to take it slow with the fuck can?

Well, I mean, $10. You know, get a wine and dine in. Yeah, you're probably going to buy something for $10 and then turn all the way up to fucking tornado speed and stick your dick in it. That's a fair point. That's a fair point. That's a fair point. You'll feel guilty. You'll feel guilty right after.

Yeah, it's like, how do I know if it likes me? You see how you get a credit score to 800? You step into Tom's Dojo every once in a while, Keith. They have visual instructions on the back.

Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah. Put can on cock. Pull. Yeah. Number two, do the thing. Oh, okay. Well, that was easy.

The guy's doing it for like an hour. He's like, I don't think it's working right. And it's like, oh, I skipped number three. Calm. You got it on your balls. You got to put your cock in it. Read the back. I knew something was wrong.

Your dick just got married and it's driving away. Wait, you got to pick. Did you pick gun or dick? Oh, yeah, gun or dick. Oh, gun. Okay. Tom, wait. Tom hasn't picked. or dick? Oh, yeah, gun or dick. Oh, gun. Okay. Wait, Tom hasn't picked. I think dick's more expensive.

I'm a dick. Dick. I'm dick, too. Two dicks and a gun. The dick, $499. The pistol, $299. Wow. Yeah, that's an expensive ass dick.

That's a cheap-ass pistol. Yeah. $299. You know they just sell guns at gas stations. Why would you spend that little money on your gun? The guy comes through the door, you pull your pistol, it clicks, nothing happens. Spend more money on your gun than your dick. If you're buying a gun, go all in.

Yeah, put the money in. I want a gun you can fuck like that can, that Tonga. Dicks feel better than guns. You know someone somewhere like the Smith & Wesson factory has just taped a flashlight to the back of a gun and be like, how do we make American music? Listen, John, we know we gave you $20 million over five years, but we're shutting down the gun fuck project. What? Oh, Operation Bang Bang? Yeah.

How was work, honey? How do I talk about it? Bang Bang's done. I'll be in my room. You mean the kitchen? I was so close, and I was so close. This model's called the AR. I swear it's 18. All right.

Let's do a couple more. Which one is more? Less moon-vesic- Do you guys not keep score anymore? No. There's no time where you kept score. Well, how many have you gotten right? I don't think you-

That's not keeping score, Tom. Well, you have a score. I have two. I don't think you understand how less professional this show has gotten since us. The last few times you were here, we were like, well, we got to show off for Gareth. Oh, yeah. He's got big boy credits. You stopped the bells and whistles now.

Yeah, now we're just like, ah, you're fucking weird. Yeah, we'll split you with Rich Slate and we'll see what happens. Tom hasn't even fucked a raccoon in a while. He's a skunk or anything. I did see an obese one around the corner a couple days ago. That's not good enough. Yeah, you got to fuck it, Tom. Get into an altercation every once in a while, would ya?

Get out of your ivory kitchen. Live your life. Kick a goose. Do something. Come on. Alright, which one is more? Less Moonves' payout after getting fired from CBS or the prize money for every season of Survivor combined? Who's Less Moonves? Less Moonves'

payout is more. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah, Les Moonves is the guy who ran CBS and got fired for being all rapey. That's everybody now. And then what was the second option? I'll just go back. It was the prize money from every season of Survivor combined.

Oh. Well, it's only been 18 seasons. It's only a million dollars every time or something. It's been 36 seasons. Jesus Christ. That's the show where they're lost, right? You and I both had that same feeling. Yeah. Yeah, it's the one where they're going.

All right, so Tom, so Survivor, they're not lost. But I can understand why you'd think that. They're on an island sort of like the show Lost. But it's a competitive game show about who can survive. They're all already dead inside. Now somebody wants to explain what CBS is. Okay, sure. I got this one.

So there are different networks that will play the television. You know, the thing you piss on outside. Netflix. Exactly. Right and wrong at the same time. I'm going to go with the bad dude. The bad dude. That makes him seem too cool, like he's an old cowboy bandit with the bad dude the bad dude that makes him seem

too cool like he's an old cowboy bandit the bad dude survivor altogether 36 million dollars last move is

120 million fucking dollars that seems reasonable yeah he's the real survivor yeah Jesus I didn't even think about that

he did outplay outlast so yeah there you go yeah is that the slogan for the show yes

no what if it wasn't no but Rich is a slogan guy yeah I'll play out last. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Is that the slogan for the show? Yes. No. What if it wasn't? No. But Rich is a slogan guy. Yeah. He's got a bunch of these. Yeah. This is not a bit they're doing.

They're just really big fans of this guy. Oh, God. You got to get a brain like this on the cone zone. Yeah. As long as it's in a hat. Hey, he had it his way, you know? As long as he's in a hat. He's loving it.

The hat. I suppose the hat should be cone-shaped now that. He's loving it. The hat. I suppose the hat should be cone-shaped now that I'm thinking about it. Hey, Rich, the plot's thinking in a good way for you. Welcome to a dunce hat.

Now he's talking to a cone hat. And you should be able to eat Rich out of it. All right, Tom, this business model is taking a dark turn. It's a good thing

my son will never know me. The last one. This one's not money. This one is measured in years. Oh, okay. Is it more the time between appearances of Haley's Comet or measured in years the cumulative amount of pornography currently on Pornhub? Well, yes, Pornhub has the longer life than – Haley's Comet is here every what, 118 years or something like that?

How much porn do you think – I like how Tom always has a question. I love that. I don't know if you saw that there was such a good thing of people being like, hey, why is everything stepbrother fucking that they added a button you can click to stop seeing that? I don't watch porn, so I've been out of the game for a little while. You only read it now?

Yeah. I get it. Oh, my God. How did he do with that? Robin, come on. Yeah, I watch Bang Bros for the articles. Yeah, I just watch all the beginning. Once a nipple appears, I shut it off.

So Gareth, since you've been gone, all the pornography now is, the idea is, hey, what if my stepsister accidentally saw my dick and then we fucked for some reason? It's all pornography now. It's like soft incest. Soft incest is the greatest way to describe it.

This might be getting me back. I like what I'm hearing. I mean, look, I haven't not taken a look at it. It's not for the greatest way to describe it. This might be getting me back. I like what I'm hearing. I mean, look, I haven't not taken a look at it, and it's not for me, but I get it. It's the same way I feel when I listen to Radiohead, where I'm just like, I can see how this is someone's favorite thing. A dangerous pool, you're swimming it alone right now, Keith.

You really went out on a limb there. I get it. Yeah, I can get it. Hot Stepsister, why wouldn't you want to fuck her kinda? Here's the other problem with incest porn. She didn't come out of where you came out of. Hold on, let Tom speak, because his parents are brothers and sisters. That's a flipper, man.

The biggest problem with incest porn is you'd think you'd be like, alright, I skipped through the intros, and then the lady's cute, and we can watch that. But no, they just have to keep calling each other stepbro and stepsis while they're fucking. For God's sake, Tom. Why would you skip the story? That's the most important part. so you're trying to eat around the incest i watch porn to come okay i don't know so much porn though that isn't that why are you watching because it's the one that's for the first pops up tom as someone who really wants the cone zone to go places maybe you can't say things as controversial as these how quick future ce CEO in the cone zone. How quick do you need to come

that you can't Google or type one keyword? I don't know. Tom, never hosting the Oscars again. Oh, no. I don't know if that's true. Let's not shut the door there. If you go to Pornhub

in other countries, they'll show you the local what's in there. So Pornhub in Japan also has... They do that in America, too. Yeah. It's also step family stuff,

but the way they set it all up is that they all sleep in the same bed because that's how you do it in Southeast Asia, it's also step family stuff but the way they set it all up is that they all sleep in the same bed because that's how you do it in Southeast Asia where it's like, yeah, so it's like hooks up with his step aunt

and his stepsister and it's like them all going to bed in the same like one room hut or whatever and then like one of them gets horny

and they start touching each other. Sounds like a kitchen possibility in this place. So they're really like, you know what would make this better is if we just poured a bunch of weird third world poverty on the incest watch.

Yeah. Fucking yikes. I don't watch much porn, but there's a lot of the steps. But when I do, I prefer those sexies. What was the question again? There we go. Hi, Tom. Does it take longer to watch every piece of porn on Pornhub or the time between appearances

of Harry's Comet? Do they ever take porn off of Pornhub? I mean, I don't it take longer to watch every piece of porn on Pornhub or the time between appearances of Harry's comments? Do they ever take porn off of Pornhub? I mean, I don't work there. Do they run out of space? What's up? Do they run out of space? No, they don't run out of space.

I'll answer that question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's infinite. Which means they're only taking off videos that aren't technically porn. No, even those are there, too. Yeah, they're still... Where do you find those? Ramsey's cum face is still on there.

That's still porn. Someone came on it. Sort of. Somebody busted a load on our oldsey's cum face is still on there. That's still porn. Someone came on it. Sort of. Somebody busted a load on our old producer's face on Pornhub. At least a picture of it. On a photograph. It's one of the grossest things I've ever seen in my life. A true American patriot. Someone dumped some yogurt on your friends.

I'm not having an issue picturing cum. I'm not hitting a stalling point. You've been out of the porn game for a minute. Oh, yeah. Well, once you stop watching porn, you don't make cum no more. That comet ain't been around here in a while. Just whittling.

Well, anyway. What are you making, Grandpa? Another big cock. They're all big cocks. It's the only way I can remember. It costs more than my gun. He's just lining up the dicks and shooting them with the gun. Grandpa. Shut up.

I suck. Was Haley's Comet the one related to Waco? Possibly. Let's not go with possibly too strong on this one. Yeah, first of all, what? Second of all... You mean when Haley's Comet hit the Branch Davidians? Weren't they watching a meteor shower when that was happening?

No, they were busy being burned alive. Or is that just South Park? I might be thinking of South Park. Anything but the Hale-Bopp Comet. I'm going to go porn. All right. All right. A catchphrase.

I'm going to go porn. Haley's Comet, 75 years. The amount of porn on Pornhub, 173 years. Yeah, sounds right. You can line it up back to back. I've seen all of them, too. Does that include the compilations, though? Because that's already been on there. Yeah, sounds right. If you add it up back to back. I've seen all of them, too. Does that include the compilations, though? Because that's already been on there.

Just watching fast forward. How much work do you think I did on this? I don't know. I don't think about things much. When you sit down to wine and dine the old cock, Tom, what are you watching? What is your process? First of all, he is wearing the top half of a tuxedo.

With a little top hat, my lady. He puts a picture of the Eiffel Tower and a Paris sky over it. I love it when the sun hits the Eiffel Tower at this hour. I mean, I go good old imagination more than anything, but usually just whatever is recommended to me. How can you jerk off to your frightening imagination? It's just like a disgusting frightening imagination? It's just like a disgusting ghoul.

It's just you screaming the whole time. Using my imagination. Which I'd argue is kinkier than most porn. Have you never gotten into scream phase? Tom closes his eyes

and Tom's screaming in his own head. There we go. I've better hair in my head, though. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back to answer your guys' questions. Hey, Keith, answer the fucking phone. I'm on one today. I was just driving down Sunset.

Got into a huge fight with some random fucking guy about farting 9-11. I told him he could suck my dick through a Capri Sun straw, and then he told me if I don't buy something, I have to leave the Starbucks. So now I'm trying to find a coffee bean. Hey, I found at FatballSkinnyDick's IP address, and I think he lives out in Riverside. I'm gonna go find out where and farty 9-11 his fucking car.

And no, I wasn't gonna do a Dump-A-Sock-E sketch, but I got ideas. Shitty 9-11, sharty 9-11, pissy 9-11, queefy Boston Marathon. I got more ideas than ass Jeeves and I'll tell you what at old man tuna fish I don't fucking hey Keith I gotta I gotta call you back I just saw a big fucking macaw I'm gonna go see what he's up to and bring him back to the fucking house if he doesn't give a shit about soggy 311 or whatever the fuck we were talking about call me back and. And now a clip from today's Patreon-only bonus episode featuring Opie, Ramsey Bedali, and the return of Meanopoly. We got a very special edition of Meanopoly.

This was made for us by a fan. I think this is at I Roll 20s. Yeah, they've got a little thing here I want to read before we get started. Hello, Mean Boys. It's Harrison here at I Roll 20s on Twitter with my first prototype of the official giant air quotes, Mean Boys branded version of Monopoly, Meanopoly. Before we get into it, I would just like to say that not only are you guys some of the funniest dudes out there, the way you handle some pretty heavy stuff has been inspiring.

Mean Boys mean a whole lot to a whole lot of fans all over the world. We love what you three dickheads do. Lame. Now, a couple things that he wants to point out. Number one, they don't have monopoly in australia apparently so he glued all this shit to the big bang theory board game which i'm i want a quick comedy knowing that's a product is it because in australia the like the country was already criminal so everyone would just go to jail on the time

i had a feeling that would be a rule Every spot is jail. Well, I hope I have bad news for one of the house rules here. Oh, no. I had a feeling that would be a rule. All right. Now, the one difference to this, the normal monopoly, is instead of the community chance and – or community chest and chance cards, we have price check and lightning round. So when these pop up, if you land on it, someone else draws a card for you. You actually have to play a quick version of one of the games from the podcast. If you get it right or if you name seven things in 30 seconds, you get what's on the card. They're all good. If you, you actually have to play a quick version of one of the games from the podcast. If you get it right or if you name

seven things in 30 seconds, you get what's on the card. They're all good. If not, you're fucked. Now, by the way, this is a staggering amount of work for an episode that's going up behind a paywall. Rebel Winter 101 says, I was recently compared to Tom. I'm not sure how to take this new info. Yeah, me either. Yeah, the amount of tweets we get that are like,

somebody said I was like Tom and that makes me sad is frankly hurtful. Yeah, me either. Yeah, the amount of tweets we get that are like, somebody said I was like Tom, and that makes me sad, is frankly hurtful. To who? You. Oh, well, why are you putting that on me? Why are you mad at me? I don't know. Is it the one time I've been nice to you in the past hour?

That's also true. What was the question? Okay, not a question. You know what? We finished the question segment. Take the compliment. You're like Tom. Yeah.

Go fuck yourself. The fastest Tom answered a question was when it was not a question part of the game. I said a statement and you yelled for a while and then said what was the question. The comment. Yeah. No, no, no, Tom. I choose dicks. No, no, no, Tom.

Dicks. Yeah, I'm sorry you're like me. You're going to be all right, champ. At Rat Top says, where is the weirdest place you've ever walked up? Oh, the floor of the Anaheim Convention Center. Wow, quite an answer. Quite an answer. During an event or just at the convention center on a Tuesday?

I did the six rounds of the Magic the Gathering Grand Prix, and then I passed out. From too much mana? Exhaustion? Yeah, I had to sleep the night before. I had to sleep in my car. There was a cat in the house I was crashing at. You mean the car? No.

I was going to crash at a house. But they had a cat, so I said I'd move to a car. The guy didn't like me because I shit in his bathroom, which if you can't shit in a bathroom, why have a bathroom? I flushed. I don't know what the fuck his problem was. Who's going to top this answer? Why did you go first?

Yeah. I mean, what? Because I knew the answer to this one. First I respond too slow. Then I respond too fast. What do you guys want from me? Tom, everything you've given us. This person didn't want you to sleep there because you shit in his bathroom improperly?

Yes. He said it smelled too bad. And then I was allergic to cats, so I just slept in my car, and then I didn't really sleep, and then I made it further in the tournament than I thought I was. Do you bring a lady along for an adventure such as this? Not this one, no. Oh, bummer.

No, all the ladies I used to bring along to stuff have decided to not hang out with me anymore. Public sleeping magic tournaments weren't like a big turn on for ladies? I didn't bring any girls to that. Yeah, I was just 19. Guys,

the important part is I was almost on Magic the Gathering streaming television online, alright? I was doing very well. It was one cat nap away.

You slept through your call time for it. If I didn't sleep, four people would have seen me in Milwaukee. Yeah, and they would have been bummed.

Weirdest place I ever woke up. I blacked out drinking one time when I was working at Disneyland because Disneyland employees party like crazy hard, weirdly. And I woke up in a boat in a driveway in a city I had never been to. Wow. And I was naked. My friends were throwing rocks over the side of the boat saying, we got to go.

You're air quoting friends, right? What's up? Those aren't friends. No, no, no. Because they were trying to wake me up saying, hey go they called the cops i've heard rock throwing is usually how you get your friends to wake up hey buddy well yeah i thought about that later but why don't you just come on to the boat too many rocks up there after we threw them pretty far away yeah i guess at some point i got naked and like gone running around the neighborhood and

then i just decided the boat was where i was gonna sleep and a manual alarm clock what i also weighed about 80 pounds more than I do now, so this naked climbing into a boat is not a discreet look. No. No one didn't notice. Is that Jimmy John? Yeah, man, is the Bob's big boy fucking our boat? Oh, boy.

I one time woke up after a party in my friend's attic, and I was soaking wet. And I had no idea how it had happened. And I guess that night I jumped into the pool fully clothed thinking it would be funny. Right. And then I had to ride the train back wet. And I was just like, yeah. But I had no recollection.

And I didn't know where I was. I didn't know I was at his place. So I just woke up in an attic soaking wet and was slowly like what the fuck is going on the first time i watched girls gone wild was in my hockey coach's attic wow so we've both been in attics which is a connection you both had coaches your head just it tremors yeah watching me because you were like oh man i jumped in a pool, and it was crazy. And you're like, totally, I was maybe assaulted.

Totally. I had a hockey coach. All righty. Okay. All right. My friend had a weird dad. I was unsupervised. Y'all want to know why practice has been going so bad?

I've been preoccupied. These girls will take their titties out for a shirt. Yeah, come on. Come on up here. We're learning hockey. No, no, no. Just Tom. It's a Tom-only course. Goalies only. We're having a goalies only team meet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was a center. You ever wake up anywhere weird, Rich? Yeah, but the weirdest one wasn't where I woke up, but how I woke up. I woke up at my buddy's house in his bathroom with a little rug burn across my forehead. I'm the one. Yes.

And then we went to a Spencer's Gifts, and there was a shirt that same day that said, warning, consumption of alcohol will lead to unexplained rug burns on your forehead in the morning. And I bought the shirt. Yeah. It's like a Nostradamus one. I know. But your answer should have just been every day of the kitchen. It's not even that weird of a place.

It's pretty weird. People go in the kitchens all the time. You're an alcoholic defending drunk driving right now. If at any point your life matches up with a Spencer's Gifts t-shirt, you automatically go to rehab. It's like Roman doubles three times in Monopoly. Do not pass college. Do not collect $200. What else do we have?

Let's go to the voicemail line here. This is where it gets fun because usually at least one of three of these voicemails is a serial killer. Hey, mean boys. At least I fucking hope this is the mean boys.

This is Robert from Virginia. I met Keith and Tom at a DC show last year. I'm PerfectOval on Twitter. You guys were talking about shitting your pants the other day. And asked if anybody had an embarrassing story about shitting their pants. I like the assumption that there is a non-embarrassing story. Yeah, like I shit my pants and then they gave me the Nobel Prize. There was one that wasn't a big deal, but the other ones were kind of embarrassing, I guess.

The one where I cured cancer right after. Well, I once, while drunk, shit my pants while failing a drug test in front of a cop inside a jail where I was on probation papers and then had to sit in front of a magistrate to talk about what was going to happen next before I could leave and go change my pants. It's the only time I've ever shit my pants, but it's a pretty home run way to shit your pants. Snark Week's going great. I hope y'all survive it well. Every episode has been hilarious and I look forward to the rest. Love you guys. Bye. You know,

how hard is it to switch to talk to you later voice after you're like, shit my pants in front of a magistrate. Alright, hope everything's good with you boys. You do not shit your pants in front of a magistrate. That is too high. You shit your pants in front of a magistrate. You shit your pants in front of a fucking cop.

Not a cop, a fucking cop. Your honor. I also like that the autocorrect didn't know how to deal with shit your pants, so it was something different every time. And the last one was shoot Japan. Shoot Japan. I've heard it. The best part about this, Gareth, though, is this guy is the president of the entire Mean Boys fan club.

Easily elected. His platform was, you know, just whatever, I guess. Well, we can't beat that. He's got the slogan. Yeah, I mean, I did when I was in a rugby tournament in Santa Cruz. Not asked, not answering questions. No, I didn't shit my pants, but I did. I shit Keith's pants.

I was in a rugby tournament in Santa Cruz, and the bathroom, the rugby player shit bad. What haven't you done where? One of these stories is I was doing banana bullshit in Weirdstown in California. Yeah, you are a walking Mad Lib. Can I get it? And can I learn what an adverb is? If he doesn't do Tom Mad Libs, you're out of your fucking mind. I'm going to do Tom Libs.

Yeah, Tom Libs. I'm going to write that for tomorrow. That's the greatest. Let's do it. Yeah, one time an ex texted me, and I wasn't expecting the text, and I just went, girlfriend, and I shit my pants while on my stomach. What? I said her actual name.

I don't know what the math is. Yeah, and I just immediately shit at the same time. Girlfriend. He was on his stomach. I know, I know. We're trying not to say it anymore. That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. Lady shit.

Girlfriend. Hey, Tom, what just happened over there, buddy? I got a text! Text, girlfriend! Text, girlfriend! Hello, mean boys. Have you ever heard the skeleton's defense of carnality? Truly, I have lost weight.

I have lost weight. I have lost weight. Grown lean in love's defense. In love's defense, grown brave. It was concupiscence that brought me to the stage. Oh, he's Canadian. I love that you guys put so much effort. I've commented on them on their sketches. I've texted Keith to be like,

that sketch was fucking next level brilliance. They put so much effort. I've commented on them on their sketches. I've texted Keith to be like, that sketch was fucking next level brilliance. They put so much effort into their sketches and have never screened a voicemail for the show one time. Why screen when you get gems like that? Here's what's great. I did screen a little, and what happened is the one I skipped was one where it was just some idiot

doing a Bane impression that I'm saving for an episode. That wasn't a Bane impression. That's what I'm saying. I skipped to a different email with a different idiot doing a Bane impression. That's what I'm saying. I skipped to a different email with a different idiot doing a Bane impression. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

That is quite a demographic. If you're listening to this show, I love you, but also you're the worst. Oh, no. Steve, you deserve this. The amount of Bane that you and Connor have done on this show is like you have to regret nothing, Tom. Oh, fuck you.

Oh, Bane. Ooh. Edgy. All right, well, I see 9-11 here. Stop shitting on your bit like he's on his stomach getting a text. Bye.