Mean Boys - EP 173 - Sunday Cozies (feat. Ramsey Badawi)

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Ramsey Badawi on Twitter: twitter.com/ramsbad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I don't know if you can hear the pain in our voices. Yeah, I know. Yeah, Connor hit triple puberty last night. Hey, yeah, what's up? No, I'm 29 and I'm here for, I'm just buying one beer. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's me, Con Diesel. Yeah, of course I'm paying for this beer in quarters, local liquor store cashier.

Yeah, all of Connor's sleeves left overnight. Yeah. So, yeah, we did this episode late night last night. It's the wild one I think we were all waiting for. Yeah, all of the snark meltdown you guys have been asking for really just coagulated into day seven. Yeah, no, I mean, it started off pretty lackluster, and then we got into a fight and had a party.

So, yeah, you're going to hear a weak and had a party. So you'll hear all about that. You're going to hear a weak joke off. A pretty fun now is not the time. A mailbag that cuts out very abruptly because shit got real weird off, Mike. Yeah, and then, yeah. A bunch of roommates show up, and it turns into the end of SNL. Yeah, and we got pizza at 4 in the morning. So, yeah, it was a lot of fun.

Yeah, it was a good time. Thank you genuinely to everybody who's been listening along to Snark Week, who's been tweeting us nice stuff, who's been sending us goofy Photoshop. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a blast. It's really kept us continuing through this gauntlet of creativity or whatever this is. Yeah, all the dumb shit we do, we only do because we think you guys are going to like it. You guys are very cool, very supportive. And this has been honestly so much more fun than last Sn more fun fucking blast it's been a blast with meltdowns but it's

been a fucking blast it's all been fucking worth it and we're just i'm real stoked that people just enjoy snark week and you guys were excited about it because it makes me excited about it makes us excited about it oh me too man thanks to all of our new patrons new patrons, 33 since I'm looking at it right now. That's awesome. Which is really helpful because, I mean, yeah, we're still poor as shit, and Keith got his laptop stolen at the very beginning of this whole week. Yeah, and, you know, I know we plug the Patreon a lot, and it feels a little lame to hear us keep asking for money,

but it really does help us be able to focus as much time as we do on this show to not have to, like, go out and get a real boy job. Just totally just saying thank you for giving a shit and if you don't have the money I totally get it. Yeah, yeah, we're not going to have a shit. But yeah, that's the

I will just I guess remind like we do have seven shows and we're going to start booking guests and all the bonus contents now because it's been a lot more fun. Yeah, they make it more fun. We get to introduce you

to other new people. Yeah, we're going to have some more homies on the show is nice. Yeah, it's sort of a farm team for people you guys want to see more of. So yeah, we're you very much for that.

And we also got the fucking magnets are coming in soon. They're going to send out for next year the calendar magnets with the Mark Molloy's anime Emporium tentacle. Which are so fucking dope. A graphic. The Mean Boys meanies are coming soon. Those are coming soon. Keep your eyes peeled for the fucking social media shit. We'll announce a winner for the Snark Week tweet contest in a day or two.

Yeah, we'll do that via tweet probably. Yeah, there's some great ones. We've got to sift through and make sure we didn't miss anything genius. But I think we know who wins. Yeah, I think we've got a good idea. So we'll go look at that. And, yeah, we've got Keith's mom coming up on Christmas. Make sure you go back to the Reddit and ask questions for that, right?

Yeah, I think that thread got buried, but we'll pull it up to the top. But yeah, leave a question in the... I'm sorry. Now I'm doing it. Oh, wow. I know. God, the shoes on the other fat. The shoes in the other neck.

Go over to the subreddit, leave a question for my mom. Boy, can you tell we're tired. Yeah, yeah. So that'll be a lot of fun. That's coming out Christmas Day, and then we'll be back with more Mean Boys next year. Yeah. Wow, going into year four of this operation. That's insane.

I know. Yeah, I don't. Year three, I guess, right? We've been doing it by two, almost three full years. It'll be three full years. Three full years in January. It's three full years like now, because this is when we started recording the pilots. I think we'll at least start first on January 3rd or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really crazy, because I remember for the first like six episodes i would come in and be like well surely we're not going to do this again next week no yeah yeah and now it's uh it's been next week what 150 weeks yeah yeah it's been fucking next week for eight days in a row yeah i remember the first time listening to it because i was friends with both of you i was like this is this is dumb but I like it. That's how I feel about it most of the time.

Yeah, and what I didn't realize since being a part of it is how dumb it truly is. Yeah, well, it's funny, because it's like you listening to it and going, this is dumb, but this isn't bad. It's like if you kind of enjoyed the show Super Jail, and then they're like, hey, you want to be an executive producer? And people tweet you questions about this every day. How would you like for this to be a huge part of your like identity yeah how would you like to be shackled to this for the rest of your days well we are proud to have you as a cabin boy upon this titanic we've built yeah dude i've never been i'm so glad you decided to stow away yeah i wasn't trying to make it about me but i genuinely enjoyed doing the show it's so much yeah it's fun yeah i think we i think we're all in some nice boy kumbaya energy

yeah no you guys you guys are my best friends and i we we just get to be fucking dipshit dicks for for fucking you know and people enjoy it and that's bizarre to me you know yeah we do make an illegal immigrant salary calling each other names, and I think we should appreciate that. It's pretty tight. Yeah. You know, we are very lucky that any of you like this. Yeah, so thanks for that, for giving us purpose. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

We got our next iTunes review challenge. So far, we've gotten zero reviews, which I'm shocked by because I thought that this was a very generous and brave idea. Me too. Tom is— Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be tased by Chowder. I don't understand. We can get a guy in a soup costume to tase you.

Really just turn it into a bad Red Hot Chili Peppers music video. You know what I mean? Yeah, 500, we're going to let Tom get tased at a live show. Leave us an iTunes review. Tell us why you should be the one to tase Tom, and we'll probably be announcing the Tase Tom video challenge officially very soon.

That's going to be the most fun fucking week of the whole show, is the review the Taze video dating submissions. Oh, that's going to be a middle segment. And that will happen probably when we're out on tour next year. So if you want to come see us in your neck of the woods, fill out that tour sheet. We haven't been plugging it in as much lately. But, yeah, pretty much as soon as this wraps up,

we'll probably start sending booking emails and locking in those dates and trying to get some fucking on the road and meeting you guys i know yeah i miss uh i haven't no one's uh you know handed me a cardboard box full of a present i don't want that's kind of insulting lately it's my favorite thing okay i got you a cake that says gay on it cool guess i'm responsible for this cake yeah Yeah, no, I love you guys. Yeah, what else? Fucking all the shows are up on YouTube

and, you know, you can listen to them there. Yeah, or on Spotify. You know, I mean, obviously you know what to find as you're listening to this. You probably know that,

but yeah, just go give us a sub over on the tube. Let's start competing with Mr. Beast. He's only got 12 million more than us. All right, cool. We'll probably catch up.

Yeah, we got this. Yeah. And, yeah, fucking follow us on all the socials. And, yeah, follow all our guests on all the socials. If you dug them, send them a nice message and let them know they didn't waste their time by almost getting stabbed walking to the house. Please, yeah, any guests you like, please follow them on social media. Please tweet them that you enjoyed them as a guest so that people know that we're not lying to them when we have people who listen to this show.

Yeah, I know. That would help. Yeah, yeah. No, it's kind of popular, I swear. Yeah, when you tweet them, they're more likely to come back. Yeah, you know. Yeah. So please do that.

Yeah. All right. We're going to wake up and then finish doing these sketches. But right now, enjoy the beginning of this haphazard episode with my friend, yours, Ramsey Badawi. Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. The void is real, and I don't like touching it. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Ramsey Bedawi.

I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Just trying to get my kids back. Tom's divorce dad swag has been escalating with each day of Snark Week. Yeah, it's kids back hat on, meth bag hat off. Yeah, this is a man who has a look that says, I wear cargo shorts to court. Yes.

Well, also, with your hat off, you do kind of look like, wow, that cancer patient is getting it. You have the sketchy vibe of somebody who will one day work for Ramsey. Yeah. Oh, I'd be honored. Nothing good. All right. I had to buy the Tupperware up front, but listen to this.

All right. It's the Herbalife of vape juice. What you don't understand is it's really about the notes you're not tasting. Yeah. You don't understand. Yeah. Ramsey, you're going to open that Tesla store in what used to be an open mic in Orange County, Max Bloom's.

Yes. You're going to have one Tesla. I'm going to open up a Tesla store in downtown Fullerton where it used to be Max Bloom's. By the way, arts district, lots of bars and finger foods and fun nightlife. And then just the people just walking past the car they'll never own

because they're liberal arts students. What is your logic here? I just kind of like the idea of opening up a Tesla store somewhere where a community gem used to be. What's the most crass invasion? This is really the financial equivalent of just desecrating

a corpse. I think to myself, if this was your childhood home, what would you be most bummed out to see? I like to walk into the Tesla store and say, do you guys have any other ones in the back? Not even something gross like a brothel or a drug den? Because people might enjoy that by accident.

This is something not one person will have a good time because you did this. The only people who go to Tesla stores are people who are like, hey, I have $100,000 and no personality. Yeah, exactly. What do you think the year-end sales meetings

are like, hey, guys, amazing year. We put up 12. You know? It's such a low volume that you're like, dude, wow, July was huge. Three. When you walk into the Tesla dealership, like, well, I got rich, and it didn't fill the hole. So I don't know. Sell me your weird space car, future man.

Yeah. Dude, I wonder how long. Teslas are one of those. They're like Yeezys. There's no way to own them without looking like a tremendous asshole. Yeah. Dude, I wonder how long. Teslas are one of those. They're like Yeezys. There's no way to own them without looking like a tremendous asshole. How long does it take, you think, until it sets in? You buy the Tesla. You're off the lot.

Is it a day that you're like, oh, I'm still dead on the inside? Or do you think it goes long? Do you think it's. I think it's the first time you can't get a boner. Yeah. And then you're like. Like the first time you're trying to fuck it, it just doesn't get hard like it needs to. Like, you roll over.

The Tesla gets soft, too. Yeah, your wife or girlfriend is being nice about it. But, you know, she's thinking about going for the vibrator. And you just kind of look out your window and you see the Tesla and you're like, it will never fix me. Yeah, it defies logic. He went to, like, the doctor and he's like, is there any herbal options? I'm afraid of trying Viagra. You become dependent or it just doesn't work over time.

And she's like, well, I'm going to write you a prescription for one Tesla. And if that doesn't fix it, I'm out of ideas. Yeah, I'm just going to give you one electric wang suppository. There are so many products where the subtext of it is like, and then your dick will be fine. Yeah. That's most of modern society. Yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Like, this will show your dad. Yeah. Really, it goes down into those two categories, I think. I think it boils down to your dick will be better or this will show your dad. It's one of those two things. Yeah, Oreos. You can make your mom cum yeah yeah yeah fucking axe body spray the high school wasn't fair to you you know it's just depressing old spice send your brother to his room

i feel like fast food commercials are more and more around like see how this dude said we'll have a whopper and then he's just like smiling and shit have you guys noticed carl's jr unmolest yourself they need to show after you eat the fast food when you're trying taking a 45 minute shit and producing no volume yeah like how is it too wet and too thick where's the part of the commercial where this guy is crying through a fucking spicy dump at an Arco off the freeway? I demand a rectal typhoon. Equal time. You guys want to hear my tagline for Monster Energy Drinks?

Yes. Monster Energy Drinks. All that MSG had to go somewhere. Man, just a vat of everything they're not allowed to feed people. Just MSG, Olestra, fucking Fen-Phen. No, that shit that was put in aerosols that made the hole in the ozone layer. They got some of that. You better believe.

It seems to be where everything goes. Everything the FDA said no to falls into an energy drink at some point. Monster energy drink. Global warm this half pipe. Yeah, they got some of that purple ketchup from the early 2000s they were trying to do for a while. I was obsessed with that shit when I was a kid. Oh, me too, yeah. I don't know what now I think about it

and I'd fucking revolt. Well, I just think about my mom being like, no, I'm going to buy like the store brand ketchup. I'm like, but mother, it won't taste purple. Yeah. Mother, how will I pretend I've juiced the grimace like I've always fantasized about? That's my life's goal. And then I got it one time

and I'm like, it just tastes like ketchup. The worm at the bottom of the purple ketchup is one of Grimace's eyes. And it just looks at you sadly. Ketchup is the grossest food ever created. I like ketchup. I fucking hate it so much. I didn't know people had opinions on ketchup. It is one of the

few foods that I think is just absolutely revolting. I'm a little shocked that here we get classified as a food. Tom is picky and ridiculous. Tom actually can't compete his car. He really gets fucking overboard. It's just gnarly gross to me. What do you do?

Do you dip at all? Anything? Like if you're eating fries or chicken? I'll go plain or I'll go ranch or whatever the fuck they give me. What are your thoughts on barbecue sauce? Barbecue sauce is okay because it's not... I know it's part ketchup, but that's not all it is. It's mainly ketchup, though. I've made barbecue sauce.

It depends on the barbecue sauce. Well, no. This sounds like Conan racism. No, no, no. The way you make... Well, Halle Berry's half barbecue sauce, but half person. The way you make ketchup is you just... You turn it to barbecue sauce is while you're making it, you just play James Brown over the intercom.

And it becomes barbecue sauce. Well, ketchup just has no flavor. It's just slightly sweet. It tastes pasty. And barbecue sauce, at least there's more flavors to it. That's fair. They add in, yeah, yeah. Guys, we can't make a podcast just about me talking about barbecue sauce.

Just dipping your pinky in. Needs 45 more minutes in the Otis Redding chamber. I'm sorry, Tom. What is it you think we do here? What are we talking about? Politics? You've heard the fucking shit that I say every day for six days. We are nothing if not sauce whispers.

Well, then, fuck ketchup. Barbecue sauce is aight. I like blue cheese. Blue cheese is my favorite thing to dip fries in probably. That's too complex of a flavor for fries. Like blue cheese is like you need just a little bit on a hamburger. I also like plant fries. Blue cheese on french fries seems like Canadian or something.

Like it seems like some foreign. Dude, Canadians rule. But blue cheese is like Nat Bay Mel. A little goes a long way. You know, it's very strong. Sure. Kind of greedy, I guess, if I could say. Looks so much better on Instagram.

I was at CVS earlier, and I fucking hate the self-checkout at CVS. Like, there's like 19 questions. Yeah. And I'm like, are you going to, is the receipt does that include my myers-briggs personality at the end like oh i'm an infj and i finally got these talkies after i fucking completed this whole i know what disney princess i am now this is convenient dude don't even get me started on yeah i'm a hufflepuff who just got a bottle of pepto have you guys ever noticed how long the receipts are there? They're so long. Wow, dude. Hang on a second. What's the deal with these receipts?

Now, don't even get me started on CBS. I have a full panel bit for this ready to go. No, I want to hear it, dude. Yeah, panel it up. So, Ramsey, I heard that you are often sick because you live a hellish unemployed life with no insurance. Here I am, right? No, no. Here I am. I'm at CBS. I'm going there to get nicotine lozenges right

because you know i'm trying to i'm trying to quit smoking because you know i'm trying to make my dog do tricks and i figure treats i mean those are a good reward system but why not give him something he'll become addicted to chemically absolutely yeah so trying to get the shakes fluffy now the do a flip i swear to god i'm three weeks from getting the Macarena out of this motherfucker. Taught this bitch to read. Yeah. I get to the front, and I order, and then I go, hey, can I get one of these nicotine lozenges? And the person behind the counter goes, can I see your ID?

For nicotine lozenges. Yeah, it's nicotine. What if I was a third grader trying to quit? You'd stand in my way yeah yeah i'm not gonna sell you fucking drug candy you psychopath all of it is make up your mind do you want me to quit or not i'm tired of 30 i'm tired of coddling children like children should have to like over caffeinate themselves to get through their day like adults do you know boy i'm we should we should like make

them stay up till 3 a.m sometimes and make them get up at five like you know just like really like get them like because it's like you live in like a magic fairy bubble until you're 18 and then just and you gotta go be a grown-up like we gotta start that shit earlier yeah well i was gonna say except for this one except for keith who lived in a magic slime bubble or something whatever it was everything got so i'm like oh i get to wake up and go somewhere? I don't get to be here all day? Tight. Yeah, you're kind of like a folk hero for children with no ambition.

They're just like, whoa, someday I too could skate by in a basement. Someday too I can live off the financial grid. Equal amount of giant frying pan butter figure skating though. That's represented as well in your life tale. Can I congratulate you guys? I think last time. No. Shut up, nerd.

Your last snark week, I think you guys were suicidal by the end. Oh, I am. I'm just smiling. The fact that you're faking a smile right now. I'm miserable. I'm covering it up. I know how much you're working right now, Connor, and I'm appreciative of it. So you guys are, I think this is good.

I think this is progress. Just blow out the headphones. Dude, I don't like this Ramsey is trying to keep us in a good mood. This is not. I know. I'm really trying hard. You're supposed to come in here like Def Frack guy and just derail the whole thing. What's up, fucks?

I'm really trying hard. I feel like I'm the only person who's missing giant chunks of his hair in Rams. He's like, you look good. You're doing better. You're fucking happy. You look happy. You look like you're getting it.

You look like you're getting it. Tom has almost become Catwoman now. Yeah. He's getting close. Tom right now looks like one of the, you know, the abandoned toys in Toy Story? Like in the other box

that are put together. Sid's toys. Oh, yeah. I really want to. Sid's toys. Oh, yeah. I really want to see Sid's toys. Oh, dude, that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. Tom's hair is actually a suicide note written in Braille at this point. Yeah, it's like some sort of homeless basketball. Tom just did a legitimately cool little hat trick, and I didn't know how to handle the

fact that you pulled it off. Tom just did something that if he did it- Tom's favorite thing is act outs on podcasts. Yeah, Tom just did like a hat trick like if he was like the guy like tricking children into like working for him in a Charles Dickens musical. If I was like watching a guy who just got a new Zippo he's been watching too many YouTube videos about. He's like, look, I could pull that out of my pocket lid if I do this. Yeah, Tom just did meathead street magic. If he was able to do that on a subway,

he would have made $45. Whenever I do something... He does it at a subway and they just put a meatball sandwich in his hat. Here you go, kid. It's real. I do like taking the subway because someone just walks by

and does a real-life, upworthy post about their past, and it's like, I just had a miscarriage here's the good news i'm really good at singing temptation songs with my three other friends they smell really bad uh so if you if you don't give us money i guess you're racist yeah please enjoy my loud acapella greek tragedy do you know what i love about i was i realized this today um the difference between la transit and like other cities. Right. If you go to the subway in Boston or New York or wherever, all of the advertisement is like, Zoho, the CRM for managing your customer database.

Right. Every advertisement in every L.A. subway is like, Chlamydia, do you have it? There is no – it's all to the dumbest people. There's also a billboard on every subway about like, is human nothing it's all to the dumbest people there's also there's also like a billboard on every subway about like is human trafficking happening on this train help us out because we're not figuring it out scratchers give them for christmas now yeah look at that korean lady on the next car does she look afraid call somebody like we're doing the same thing with like you know that shit that we did with like the self-checkout at the grocery store it's like i'm

not a cashier nor am am I an ICE agent, so I don't really know how to help you with this. Imagine the indignity if you've already been flown here in a crate from Thailand to be a sex slave, and you've got to ride the red line. Oh, my God. You just put her in the trunk of a car. Yeesh.

I'm just saying, anybody who can afford a fuck slave can afford an Uber. Yeah, absolutely. It just feels unfair. Yeah, if you just need to plan out your trafficking better, i can catch you yeah if i can catch you you're not trafficking you just tricked a dumb person yeah yeah just some russian guy in the tracks you're like you do not run i refill metro card and he can't get the dollar to go in she's trying to flatten it out on connor's point this is a lot like self-checkout if i ever do catch a like a woman

who's a human trafficked i'm gonna steal to steal a few pears from her, too. That's right. That's right. Yikes. I liked it. I mean, here's the thing. People from other countries love pears because that's like candy to them. You've got to understand.

They haven't invented flavor blasting in most of the world yet. Yeah, they haven't completely fucked out all their sensory glands with bright colors. Yeah, I didn't fucking napalm strike my mouth. I'm a Sour Patch kid. It really is a good line in the sand to draw whether your country has evolved or not. How interested in Paris are you guys? What are the opinions you have on the worst fruit? Pears are amazing, man.

Pears suck. No, you suck. I'm with you. Pears are great. An Asian pear? Oh, my God. That's the foie gras of pears. Oh, just like you to fetishize my people's pears.

An Asian pear? Are we talking about Sandra Oh's tits? Oh, my God. I couldn't think of an Asian lady. Who's Sandra Oh? She's on Grey's Anatomy. I don't like it. You said that like you were like, no, she's not.

I reject that information. She's right in between Sandra's N and P. Tom? I just looked over and there's just drugs in my room. Is there really? Yeah, whose pot is that? That must be Keith. Oh, that's me.

Oh, that's you. Okay. I thought for a second Keith Ray left out here and I just didn't notice. Well, we defeated him. That came out of him. Like the animals that run out of a Sonic pot. You get a bigger award than pot. Yeah.

You defeat Keith Ray. Yeah, it's true. It's like a chaos emerald made of meth. No, I open up a Zelda chest that has a regular bike that got converted into an electric bike, you know, with a lawnmower engine. Take these loose pails. They'll aid you in your quest. Yeah.

Good old Keith Ray. He's a fucking lunatic. Yeah. Yeah. He's one of the, he's a sweetheart. Yeah. You just, you just, he's a sweetheart yeah you just you just he's a guy where i'm like come on keith i really don't want to i really don't want to be not surprised about

your death can you can we just oh we all have that friend where it's like well i guess i should start drafting the emotional facebook post now oh yeah i have a lot of them yeah number one me connor and tom are just making dueling remembering Vietnam faces. They're most of this podcast. Oh, I want you to know that it's only about my problems and not about the hypothetical death of my friends. I'm not actually. No, I meant from minute one.

Okay, yeah, I'm not that worried about that. I'm just thinking about the things that I have to do that are going to inconvenience me. Yeah, I realize that. The white man's burden and all that. The white man's burden. Oh, you hung a jacket above your mirror. That's where I usually hang it.

I didn't notice that. It's been there the whole week. Wow, Tom. Or no, it was over there. This is the least compelling piece of radio ever created. Yeah, no, my command hook fell off. As Keith put it, it disobeyed the command. Because I mostly, I think because the walls are covered with several layers of, like, I think the guy, didn't the guy that lived in this room before me just like smoke in here and fucking ruin it?

Yeah, we used to call him gay guy. Yeah. Why? Well, he was gay and we didn't know his name. Oh, okay. Yes. You want to know the funniest part about that piece of trivia? Opie and I legitimately didn't know his name.

How long did he live here for? For like three months. And Opie and I just called him gay guy. Moved into a room from a gay with no name. The walls there covered in stains. Here's the thing. He had a cat, and Opie and I knew the cat's name. Oh, yeah, it was gay cat. We were like, yeah, Orny.

We were like, well, Orny's fine. And we didn't like the roommate But we constantly would be like going back and forth We'd be like he's the worst And it's not because he's gay right No that's not it at all Yeah I remember when he like showed me the place And I gave him the security deposit

I remember being pretty nonplussed by him Yeah he's just kind of an annoying guy And you just kind of have to learn how to accept that You know what he's gay and it's part of the equation. Yeah, fussy roommates. Exactly. I think I'm proud of you for hating a gay person because, you know, you shouldn't treat him any different. Absolutely.

Don't judge him by the color of his skin but the content of his butt. Absolutely. No, I'll also judge him by the color of the content of his butt. Because, I mean, the darker, the more impressed I am. You better be white, gay. He did have like a 53-year-old Austrian boyfriend who would come here in like a 2002 Mustang. Oh, no. And it was ripped. A car that says, I was kind of rich a while ago.

Yes, yes. You're so right about that. There is something. If you buy that car, just know all you can do is impress middle schoolers. That's a good car owned by the founder of Pets.com. Absolutely. Pets.com. Not so bad.

They gave me a golden parachute. $40,000. Yeah, I lost everything in the Flooz crash of 2003. Remember Flooz? That was like the first cryptocurrency in a way. Flooz. I don't Remember Flooz? That was like the first cryptocurrency in a way. Flooz. I don't know Flooz, man. I believe it was like a cyber dollar that you could buy that would give you a slight

discount on bad shoes on certain ladies' websites. Weirdly, Flooz, also the name of the dude's Austrian boyfriend. Yeah, Flooz. I believe Whoopi Goldberg was the face of the opera, their celebrity spokesperson. Oh, my God. You can't tell because my eyebrows are ghosts, but I am surprised by these savings. People like immediately started using them to like trade drugs and shit. So Whoopi's like, I was just trying to make some quick fucking commercial money.

I didn't know you could fuck this up so bad. That's why there was that couple of months where she went by Whoopi Floosberg. Hi, my name is Whoopi, Dr. Seuss instrument. I'm here to ruin the view. My grandmother thinks Whoopi Goldberg is so funny, and it is really hard for me to accept compliments from her because of that. Is Whoopi gay? No.

Just her hair, I think. No, she was dating Ted Danson when the blackface thing happened. Oh. Yeah. Whoopi has what I like to call alternative bookstore hair. You know what I mean? Absolutely. I thought she was gay, too.

You're thinking I wanted sex. Whoopi Goldberg has the hair of every teenager I know who works at Whole Foods. Like every white teenager has Whoopi's hair. They do. All right. Well, I was going to say all fired up, but I don't think that. We're here. We're fired down.

You know what? I feel relatively fired up. Good. I'm glad. We're all in second gear. Yeah. Let's kick it into grinding the gears at the top of second gear. It's a Mexican joke.

Ay, so topical. The Mexican grind-off. I'll go first. And I just want to point out, we've been writing jokes every day this week, so we're really at the bottom of the barrel here. Yeah, I hope. I'm sure I've already stopped. Oh, boy.

I'm going to have breached all of your joke subjects. All right. Yeah, that's fine. I got one. A Google employee was found dead in the company's headquarters after an apparent overdose. His suicide note read, I'm feeling lucky. Man, that was one of the ones I wrote. Are you serious?

Yeah, but I have other ones. Well, I'll do another one. No, no, no. I got other ones. No, I want to do another one of the ones I wrote. Are you serious? Yeah, but I have other ones. Well, I'll do another one. No, no, no, I got other ones. No, I want to do another one. Well, you can. Kid Rock has paid off $81,000 worth of layaways at a local Walmart. One lucky customer said, it was like the God's Plaid video, but with more stretch marks. I don't get it.

I forgot I was only going to do that because Opie would like it. Ah, okay. All right, I'll go next. The FDA has approved medication that will help dogs who are frightened of fireworks said war veterans with ptsd cool we'll just wait over here i guess uh okay me porn star jesse jane was filmed being arrested for being drunk in public upon reading her her miranda right she said all right you got handcuffs costumes and a camera but i do not remember getting the script for this remember being like i'm doing a scene

with miranda right she's great a man who was raped during a scared straight prison tour has this been done a bunch no but the confidence is like hello it's ramsey rape time yeah this is so funny you guys are are going to love this. Hit it, dude. A man who was raped during a scared straight prison tour in the 1970s will get $131,000 for pain and suffering. When reached for comment, the prison warden responded, in our defense, he hasn't committed a crime since. That's a hilarious thing to happen, right? He got raped during a scared straight.

Yeah, ironically, he got scared gay. Well, yeah. He was like, this is too immersive. You know? I mean, it was like one of those haunted houses where they black bag you and fucking shock you. Yeah, he's like, I got it from the yelling. We don't need to go this far if that was. Apparently, what happened was he was walking through the prison and some guard grabbed him and was like, let me show you what we do to little fucks like you.

And then he raped them. Jesus. Wow. And he made a cool $131,000 for that. 50 years later. Jesus. It's a comically low amount of money. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not... A guard did? A guard raped... A guard threw him to get raped. Now, was this a non-union rape? This was a Canadian one, too, which is even crazier. It's the only rape ever committed in Canada. I think so, yeah.

Yeah, you got a microphone there, Ramsey, if you want to use that. What's that there, Ramsey? Yeah, careful. I'll crack the mirror again. Oh, yeah. No, dude, don't crack my valuable ass mirror, bro. Yeah. It was gently stolen from the garbage.

Yeah, a Virginia teacher was fired for misgendering a trans. Oh, fucking shit. I read that wrong. A Regina teacher was fired for misgendering a trans... Fucking shit, I read that wrong. A Regina teacher was fired for misgendering a trans student. Where'd that happen, Virginia? I actually really enjoyed that. I don't know, guys. I got really confused by that one. I'm doing my best.

All right, here's the stupidest joke. I think it didn't work because my acting was too believable. Here's the stupidest joke. I think it didn't work because my acting was too believable. Here's the stupidest joke I've written all week. Scientists have discovered a celestial body they are referring to as the hot dog galaxy. They named a galaxy after Connor's butthole. Hot dogs. Dicks. Oh, yeah.

He's quite gay. Oh, because of the... Because I get fucked by men often for fun. This is a great episode. Ramsey, what do you want to plug? Besides Connor's butt. Well, Tyler Perry paid for every item on layaway in two Atlanta Walmarts. Upon hearing this, all the customers agreed it makes up for two of the 30 horrible movies he's released.

Connor's butt hot dog thing. Don't go back to that. That is kind of a pimp move. Honestly, yeah, dude. It's like the welfare version of the Axe of Hercules. You become a Greek god to the Walmart community. You know what really sucks? What makes you decide to do that?

You're like, oh my god, I haven't trended in a while. It really sucks how hard Kevin Hart got shafted and how homophobic every Madea movie is. There's no Tyler Perry movie that isn't homophobic. Oh, yeah. But the very nature of it is like, how droll, a man in a dress. Yes. Who would do such a thing? My whole thing is just like, I get why it sucked, but I'm just like, if we're not going

to shit can every black comic who ever said homophobic shit, we just don't get black comics anymore. It's just how it went. Did you see the Nick Cannon thing? Yeah, Nick Cannon went pretty hard. Nick Cannon went pretty hard. What did Nick Cannon say? He was retweeting and putting out

all these basically white comics, tweeting honestly worse things. From the same period he retweeted, like, here's Amy Schumer saying faggot, here's Sarah Silverman saying faggot. It was an interesting point. Which, how have you not deleted those yet? Well, how have you?

Kevin Hart, how did you not? I just imagine once you get into famous that you have somebody come scrub your shirt. Have you not seen the news at all for five years? Make them at least dig up a screenshot. Don't leave up a tweet people can still reply to and share. Yeah, exactly.

Violent protesting in France has resulted in 135 dead and over a thousand jailed. French President Emmanuel Macron is calling it, quote, one of the deadliest weeks in European history and presumably a pretty average week in the Middle East. Oh, yeah, those are kind of cool, because I guess French people have to have a yellow vest in their car in case of emergency. Yeah, there's yes, it's going. And they were like, fucking, you know, it's an emergency. These

weak-ass taxis, get the, we're gonna wear vests. The most edgy thing you can do in France, I guess. The thing I do think is kind of interesting is they are riding in the most, like, American, like, France, it's the most American ride I've ever heard. They're, like, going ballistic and murdering people

over a gas tax and shit. Jesus Christ. It's quite badass. I like it. U.S. coal consumption has reached the lowest level since 1979. Analysts attribute the drop to an increase in renewable energy, environmental sanctions, and exciting new blackface innovations. Wow, it's shoe polish?

No way. Yeah, it's gluten-free. Gluten. I don't know what happened. A Utah man hammered an ice pick through his roommate's penis. Mitt Romney has added the victim to his binder full of women. Binder full of women. Oh, yeah, that was a fun one.

I remember when that was the threshold. God damn it. I've been re-watching old SNL, just kind of like to go to sleep or whatever. And going back to that period and seeing the Mitt Romney era, I'm like, God, it was so beautiful. It was crazy. Dude, our problems back then were adorable. Yes. Yeah, it was just get a load of this nerd.

That was the angle. It was can you believe, yes. It was totally can you believe this nerd. Yeah, it makes me want to go back in time and vote for Romney. He wears weird underwear like that. Like the fucking ballot might as well have been like coolest guy ever and that one that's going to lose. Yeah. I'm so glad he's in the Senate because, the fucking, like, the ballot might as well have been, like, coolest guy ever and that one that's going to lose, you know? Yeah.

I'm so glad he's in the Senate because, I mean, no one was going to win Utah. Yeah. So it's like, now he just gets to be a character in life again. Yeah, I'm glad to see him. And, dude, that fucking Mitt documentary is, I've said it before, the best Curb Your Enthusiasm episode you'll ever see. Have you seen it, Ramsey? You told me about this a lot. It's fucking phenomenal.

I still haven't seen it. And then, like, Paul Ryan shows up, like, Ramsey? You told me about this a lot. It's fucking phenomenal. And then like Paul Ryan shows up like they added a poochie to the whole story. You know, because they're like, oh, here's time for some youthful energy, the most unlovable man. Yeah, we're trying to build a fuckable myth. Oh my god, that's so funny because Paul Ryan was really the poochie.

I never really put that together. Oh yeah, yeah. We're like, we gotta make him a little edgier. Let's get a guy who wants to balance the budget. Everybody put that together. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're like, we got to make him a little edgier. Yeah. Let's get a guy who wants to balance the budget. Everybody loves that guy. Yeah. You know what America needs? Math. Let's bring a guy who looks like he brought up Ayn Rand on his first date.

Let's see if we can do that. Oh, he does talk about Ayn Rand a lot. Yes. That's how I found out who he was. Do you remember the Paul Ryan budget when that was a big news story where it was like, whoa, someone just had a batshit insane idea balancing the budget. And he was like, get this, everybody. If we just eliminate Samoans completely, we can have so many more tanks.

And we're still coming up even. Oh, you love Samoan? Name five of them. The Rock. The cast of Mona, I guess. Part of me Yeah Keith Are you like Samoan enough

To get a college scholarship I actually don't know I know that Like when my family Would go over to Samoa They treat us good Because we're like Descended from like

The Kennedys there basically Samoan Kennedys Yeah that's what it is Which sounds like A fat punk band But is actually Yeah I guess like When my grandpa

Would go over there They would like Throw him like a little Like a big parade is, which sounds like a fat punk band, but it's actually, yeah, I guess when my grandpa would go over there, they would throw him a big parade. Not a parade, but a welcome, thanks for being a famous guy. Brother man, we will go to the wave in this decade and do the other thing. Yeah, we feed you to one good pig, brother. Is there some kind of a Samoan test? Like if you went to the Samoan office, do they make you pull a U-Haul with your teeth? They just throw you in the ocean and you float, you're Samoan. Dude Do they make you pull a U-Haul with your teeth? They just throw you in the ocean

and you float. You're Samoan. Dude, you should have played rugby. Yeah, that would have been great. Samoans are great at rugby. It's not an X-Men mutation. I still had this. I was still the same guy.

I bet you're really strong. You just don't know it. Nah, I'm a feeble man. Yeah, dude, that's a real shame. Samoans are quite impressive. No, yeah. Somebody just draped a bunch of loose meat on a feeble man. Yeah, dude, that's a real shame. Samoans are quite impressive. No, yeah. Somebody just draped a bunch of loose meat on a pipe cleaner skeleton. That's really what I got going on.

I bet you could secretly lose shit. It's like you got just all the recessive Samoan genes. Yeah, I got all the worst parts possible. Spam enthusiasm. Girth. Spam enthusiasm. Yeah, Keith loves getting his email phished. Time for words. Spam enthusiasm. Yeah, Keith loves getting his email fished. You know?

Time for words. Australia is debating raising the age to be tried as an adult from 10 to 16. The Mean Boys podcast agreed that you're an adult when a podcast guest can walk into your house without being horrified. Somebody just shoot me. I'm laughing at it. It was, I got it No I don't I actually

I actually don't get it So you're You're not a man Until you can look at our home If you're No we're a man When people can look at our home Yeah if you're an adult

You would find this place Disreputable Oh gotcha Everybody walks in here And this is fine As a terrible child Yeah Ramsey's completely Grown up now

As a guy who got high Lost his girlfriend's keys And had had to Uber away two days ago. I haven't been able to find my keys. You got so high, you lost my keys. Yeah, dude, I got pretty blitzed. Yeah, that's just strong. Yeah, that was pretty strong. And I did find the keys.

They were in my Lyft driver Ronnie's car. Oh, shit. Yeah, we linked up later. Where'd you meet him at? Well, he came to drop him back off at my place. Because Ronnie works at a recording studio Monday through Friday from 9 to 5. We have a lot of information about this fellow. Well, we chatted.

Yeah, yeah. We met at the Reptile Wholesaler. And he beat me out for some geckos, but he gave me some great investment tips on tarantulas coming up. I really do have an app idea that I'd like to talk to you guys about later, but let's go ahead and finish the Mexican joke off. I don't know if you're kidding. You know he's not. When has Ramsey ever teased a ridiculous thing and not paid it off?

Yeah, let's do it. Do you have one more joke? He just went. Is it me? Oh, it's me. Okay, I do have one. Sorry. According to the AP, a man and woman admitted

in court they drove from Arizona to Wyoming with two children in their trunk. Protective services are calling it one of the most negligent things they've seen and presumably a pretty average week in the childhood home of Keith Carey. There it is. As soon as I hear protective services, I'm like, well, I can go

ahead and ride the wave as my people want to do. Go ahead and boogie board my way to reliving some trauma up in these streets. Oh, boy. I can't imagine that boogie boarding is ever done in Samoa. I want you to start just leaning into being Samoan and just you try to be diverse. Just like, yeah, I'm doing this Samoan writers program. And they're just like, have you ever even seen a pineapple? And you're like, yeah. Yeah, something'm doing this Samoan writers program and they're just like, have you ever even seen a pineapple? And you're like, yeah.

Yeah, something's got to go on the pizza. If I could just be a little fat and a little ethnic, maybe I can get one diversity booking. I mean a little gay, not a little fat. I'm a lot fat. I do a podcast with a white dude and a Samoan man. And people

believe me. That's not going to work out for me. That's not a very inventive lie, either. I mean, it's technically true. I'm not really. That'd be like saying, like, I have a brown cat and a gray one. I'd be like, sure. If you put three guns to my head, I could not point to Samoa on a map.

Sure. I'd be like, well, it's near the water. Like, I'm aware of that. I think it's in that area that's just the miscellaneous islands. You know what I mean? Where it's just like. The inceterous. Sure. I'd be like, well, it's near the water. Like, I'm aware of that. I think it's in that area that's just the miscellaneous islands. You know what I mean? Where it's like... The inceterous?

Yeah, like, oh yeah, Guam. I forgot that had to go somewhere. Yeah. The People's Republic of... I don't know, something. Dude, Guam. Could you imagine pre-plains how boring life in Guam was?

It's literally right between Japan and the... Like, it's so far. It's nowhere. Yeah. Yeah, and you're just like, oh my God. Like, you walk around. You're like a goldfish. And you're just like, oh, my God. Like, you walk around. You're like a goldfish.

You just have, like, such a small environment. I was just talking to Spencer, who was telling me about how his, like, grandfather was this dude who was, like, French, but the Spanish captured him and they forced him to pretend he was Spanish. I was like, how fucking bored were people that long ago to just, like, change you to being Spanish? Could you imagine having such interest in what the fuck you did? You know what I mean?

Yeah. Good Lord. All right. Did you do one? Yeah. Oh, okay. And then we're done, right? Yeah, we're done.

We're done, yeah. Sorry, guys. We're tired. All right. We'll be right back with some bullshit right after this. Are you a Mean Boys fan and into astrology probably not because this show appeals exclusively to shut-ins devil worshippers and dorks we stole from better podcasts but just in case you're a basic white girl who slipped through the cracks this snark week welcome becky and please enjoy

today's mean boys horoscope readings aries symbol is a ram so remember that as you face upcoming challenges by headbutting the fuck out of them and then shitting on the ground tauruses like to chill so get creative with your relaxation fill a beanbag chair with bugles smoke three cigarettes at once to save time on lighting there's no law that says you can't eat a calzone in a hot tub remember for a taurus there's no idea too fat gemini's are industrious and often bite off more than they can chew. So lean in and work yourself into a bloodied husk. Need a break?

Guess you can take five and add stop being a pussy to that to-do list, champ. All right, cancer. Let me take a look here. Ah, jeez. You got fucking cancer. You'd think you would have seen that shit coming from a mile away. It's right there in the fucking name. Don't get your nuts twisted about it, though.

It's an easy fix. The stars say the only way to get rid of your cancer is to put $1,500 in a duffel bag and toss it off the side of the Bunker Hill Bridge. Then go home and light a candle or pray to the moon or whatever the fuck it is you people do. Oh, I'm the next one, too? Leo, huh? Bad news, slugger. You got cancer, too. I know. What are the fucking odds? All right, do the same thing as the last asshole, but for you it's 2,000. What? I don't like the fucking rules. It's what the sun said or whatever. You think you're smarter than the sun?

Not with that fucking grapefruit growing on your brain, you're not. I am the Fudge Lord. You claim to be a Virgo, but the stars hold no power. All power is devoted to the Fudge. Your path is determined by the celestial bodies of the Fudgemosphere, the Milky Way Galaxy, the seven moon pies of Jupiter, Chocolate Mars. You get it?

I am the Fudge Lord. I am Jim Kimble, dangle, Libra, dangle, retrograde. I'm Tamiya, and I'm a Scorpio. Reminds me of old times. I haven't had a Scorpio up my front butt since Woodstock 99. Scorpios are a passionate people. So be like me and suck a dick so hard in the top of a guy's skull caves in.

Wait, I gotta go again? Uh, Sagittarius. I mean, not technically. I eat chicken and fish sometimes Mr. Ear here to tell you about being a Capricorn no uh yeah so uh they told me to read some bullshit about how Aquarius's are like loyal and friendly or some shit but this fucking sucks astrology's bullshit everybody knows there's only three gods Karnak devil, and the chick with the three tits from Total Recall. Wretched pig children!

Your adulation of the lunar gods is buffoonery! I have slain all these beasts and dined upon the organs of their children. Their skeletons have become my shit, dumped with a burst of flame from my powerful anus in a toilet built of gold! Oh, also,

if you're a Pisces, a new career opportunity will present difficult challenges and worthwhile rewards. And now a clip from today's Patreon bonus episode with Robin Tran. I brought a date to the sexual harassment seminar like a decade ago. What? That's how creepy I was. Did she know that's where you were going? No, we were coworkers.

That was your way of letting her know that you were cool? It'd be like getting someone tickets to see the mountain goats? Yeah, check out this hippie and I'm into. No, I mean. You just go listen. It's a hobby. Check out how into not rape I am. Yeah.

No, it was bad, man. It was like the example they gave was exactly what she and I did at work. It was like word for word. And we got turned on, and so we left early and just did it. Oh, yeah, I remember this. That rule. Yeah, like sexual harassment somewhere turned me on because everything I did was sexual harassment,

and I didn't realize it. You know, it was back then. For you, it was more of a brainstorming meeting than anything. Yeah, I got fired for it. I paid my dues. Yeah, you're just reading the trades, and you're like, you know what? I never thought of a long, concentrated glance in the cleavage area. That's a good tip.

Pamphlet of things I shouldn't do. It's like a Cosmo wish, more so than fireable offenses. 38 ways to not kill yourself at work. How many people have you slept with? Well, I didn't sleep with any of them. I just kind of, you know, you finger somebody underneath their clothes while they're selling tickets at the movie theater, you know? Who hasn't done that? Removing the harassment context, that's a pretty sick move.

Yeah. Usually they go watch the movie, but having them sell tickets at the movie theater. That was one of the days. Man, so that's why my stub for The Departed was all sticky. Thanks a lot. The last time I go to the fucking Edwards in Garden Grove. You're just walking around with a bucket of popcorn over your dick like you did to cut the hole in the bottom of a trick. But you're just at work, and they're like, we know your dick's in there, Robin.

I don't know. It's just the popcorn. I don't know. What are you going to do? That lisp. Yeah, no, I mean, I just put the butter on the popcorn, and then my dick slipped out. It's me, Robin. I'm very sad.

Now I'm just going to go murder for an hour. Welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast, everybody. I'm back here with – listen. I debuted this segment once, and it got such a huge – it got a huge response. Well, you debut most things once. That's what a debut is. Well, that's a fair point. This was on the Farhad episode of the Thanks God for Dance.

It was a little segment we called Social Media Troll or Crazy Muslim. Now is not the time, joint. For those of you who may not recall the premise of this is I am going to read some text for the boys, and they need to determine was this something that was said online in a social media post or was it my crazy father? For those of you that don't remember... I think we included a picture of the Facebook logo. Oh, it's your dad again. It's Facebook or it's my father. I don't think Tom was here.

I wasn't. This is kind of why I wanted to do the bit. Oh my god, he could be a farmer. He could be you. He could be Keith's dad, honestly. It's one of my favorite things Opie ever said. Opie once described my father as looking like a detective who was trying to pin 9-11 on the Jews. Because he's wearing like a fedora kind of pork pie hat. And a sleeveless shirt, and he's pumping a shotgun.

Yeah. And this looks like a room that webcam models are murdered in. Yeah. He looks so excited about that shotgun, and that's the part that's bothering me. I'm imagining him looking more, like, Muslim. No, he's wearing the pork pie hat to really throw you off there. I promise you, you're going to find out he sounds pretty fucking Muslim. Oh, no, I've heard his voice.

I've heard his voice because I've listened to the episodes that I wasn't. I more mean the content. Really? I got my father. Basically, I've asked him to weigh in on some of the week's hottest news stories. By the way, this was not on this show. I think this was on your podcast where you got audio recording of you explaining bisexuality and your father very gleefully saying, I should be thrown off the roof of a building.

Yes, yes. And then he did follow up by saying, if there's a building that can support him. He did get a good punchline in there. That's both a good roast and I hope your dad falls ill. Well, I like it because he tagged up his hate crime, you know? Most people, you know, it's always just like, whoa, yeah, why don't they make, you know, the food better? But he's just like, oh, yeah, look, we tarred. I got nothing.

He tried hard enough for you to just go like, yeah, he's foreign. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it's, like, so well put together. I'm like, ah, you had Jew writers. No, yeah, your's foreign. Yeah. But it's so well put together. I'm like, yeah, you had Jew writers. No, yeah, your dad does not disappoint. He's like the Roger Stone of podcast bits, where every time you need a good pull quote, you hit him up.

Yeah, he's Roger Stoning women. Yeah. You guys obviously probably are familiar at this point with Kevin Hart pulling out of the Oscars. He was going to host it after there was a backlash from some of the- First thing he's pulled out of, he's got like four kids, am I right? I hear he's got a huge dong.

I hear he's got a huge dong. Well, the rest of them's real little, so it's just a perspective thing. I don't know if it's a perspective thing or not, but either way, let's go with the first item. Fuck them if they can't take a joke. All right. Was this a Facebook comment or my father?

That is his response to a bus full of children that was blown up by a suicide bomber. Yeah. This is your dad watching beheading videos. This is a practical joke. He's funny. We cut neck. He wasn't using head. It was just full of Jew ideas.

This Palestinian Jamie Kennedy experiment. I feel like they think when they beheaded you, it's going to go around the room like a fucking balloon when you let it go. But it's just going to spit gold coins out the other side. Instead of Jamie Kennedy, it's the Jamal Khashoggi experiment. Just him bleeding hacksaw axe. Oh, my God, dude. If you don't think the name Jamal Khashoggi has been brought up by my father 30 times a day for the last two weeks. It's what he thinks Kevin Hart's name is.

I told my dad, I go, hey, dad, do you know who Kevin Hart is? And he goes, no. And I said, picture every black comedian you know. He's not Chris Rock. Do you know who Kevin Hart is? I think that's a comment. I'm going to say that's your dad. That's got to be your dad.

This was an easy one. This is a comment. It was going to say that's your dad. That's got to be your dad. This was an easy one. This is a comment. It was actually tweeted by D.L. Hughley, which is very similar to my father. This is what we call in the experimenting world a control. Just to figure out the rules of the game. Okay, here's the next thing. Apologize for what? I would personally not want my son to be a homosexual bisexual.

That's what Kevin Hart said, I believe. Is that what Kevin Hart said? I thought it was, yeah. Or is it a Facebook comment on my father? I think it's your dad. I think it seems like his kind of take. It does feel a lot like his kind of take. I think it's a Facebook comment.

You're going to go Facebook comment? Yeah, I think it's what Kevin Hart tweeted. This is actually on Twitter. That's correct. It's not what Kevin Hart tweeted. This is from a guy by the name of Mighty Man G-Man who tweeted, Kevin Hart must apologize for what?

W-A-T-T. I personally would not and he spelled wood like wood. Yes. Not want any kid to become a colon homosexual, bisexual. A colon homosexual? Most of them are. Transgender, cisgender, alcoholic, drug addict, overweight, sex addict, Muslim, homosexual, bisexual. A colon homosexual? Most of them are. Transgender, cisgender, alcoholic, drug addict,

overweight, sex addict, Muslim, communist, racist, sexist. Or a liberal. Here's what's great. You wouldn't want your kid to be a transgender or a cisgender. Those are the only options. Yeah, really. Yeah, at this point. I want my kid to be a cloud in a hat.

I want my kid to be a cloud in a hat. I want my kid to be a beautiful clone. A eunuch with no belly button that doesn't eat and shit sufficiency. A brain with four fins would be my ideal child. Yeah, can I get a tadpole colored like the American flag? That's what my child should be. I want my wife's water to break and for just a bunch of zeros and ones to come out that technically constitute a soul. This is my daughter, a

bumper sticker that says honk for the troops. Okay, bonus points if you guys can guess what my father's actual reaction to this story was. Like, what kind of reaction do you think he had when I explained to him the Kevin Hart... I can't imagine he cares about the Oscars because there's just too many Jews tied up in process. I think he sees it on the dollhouse thing,

and he's just like, if you play with dollhouse, I would have cut you. I don't know. One of those swords they chased Aladdin with. Here's my guess, all right? I think he's still mad about La La Land getting fucked over last year. What?

They taught me to dream again. Sorry, go ahead. No, you go. getting fucked over last year. What? They taught me to dream again. There's a... Sorry, go ahead. No, you go. Just based on the fact it's about homophobia, I think he's going to get really racist. Oh, that's a safe guess. Unfortunately, all you guys are wrong.

If any of you guys at home guessed measured and empathetic, you are correct. Whoa. What? What is his response on this one? That if his son was gay, he would tell his son not to be gay. I don't blame him if his son is gay. He's going to get out from there.

What? Welcome to another episode of Hoover. His response. Back into another thing. Are you starting 90 more podcasts? What did he say? I couldn't quite understand. His exact quote on it was,

well, if he's gay. He fired him because he tweeted that if his son was gay, he would tell his son not to be gay. I don't blame him. If his son is gay, he's going to get out from there. I can't tell you how much I love that he went, well, like he really pondered on it. He was like, we're going to pick up steam on this game. I promise. Yeah.

And again, I still don't know what he actually said other than well. He said this is his exact words. I'm going to and I'm going to send you guys a punched up transcript of this. His exact words were well, if his son is gay, then he'd get out of there. That's what I thought

he said, but I was like, that's not a sentence. Pretty correct. You guys hear about the news story? Prosecutors say that Michael Cohen acted at Trump's direction when he broke the law. Okay. Yeah. Here's the next entry in this game.

Who said it? Facebook commenter, my father. He paid that whore down there some money because Trump screwed her. Oh, that's your dad. Yeah, I think it's your dad. Yeah, it's got to be your dad. There's something weird

about being fine calling her a whore, but saying screwed and not fucked. Do you know who Michael Cohen is? Yeah, the one with the asshole Trump. Yeah. He's the one who bid that whore down there for money for, you know, because some screwhead. Dad, when he talks, I can't really understand what he's saying. It sounds like he's just rapping in Lebanese. I don't really know.

Yeah, I don't really get a lot of the exact words, but I do get all of the hate. It comes out. Tonally, it's really coming through. He does He uses an Arabic amount of throat for American words, which is difficult, because he really adds a lot of ha to even like a

I want the hamburger. Yeah, he's really putting some English on those fucking H's. What I like about my dad is my dad is like, it's sort of like, what if you could get Spencer, Richard Spencer's ideas into Boomhauer's unintelligent ability? Yeah, but then with the ability to communicate, it's just like a fifth grade education. All right, next tweet, or next entry. Super Jew. Was that a Facebook post, or was that my dad?

That was written with a question mark in Stan Lee's last notebook. By the way, I did Google Super Jew. I was very curious about it. Oh, Nat Bamel's sophomore release coming soon. Look what comes up. First thing that comes up is this picture of Barack Obama. That is Obama as Bin Laden. As Bin Laden.

And it was on this website called Masad Alf's Funny Little Blog. Masad Alf? What? Did you make this? It really is. You're the only true guy I know that has an interest in both of those things. It is just a page of people who I think the owner of this blog thinks is a super Jew. What was his real name again? Gordon Shumway.

Yeah, I get the feeling Masad Alf is not a Shumway. It's just different people who this guy suspects of being a Jew. Is that Frankenstein? Well, that explains Stein, doesn't it? Different people who this guy suspects of being a Jew. Is that Frankenstein? I guess. Well, that explains Stein, doesn't it? That says, crypto the super Jew. Yeah. Crypto is Superman's dog.

It was originally going to be Dr. Frankenberg's monster, but they decided it was too on the big curvy nose. That one's Hitler. That's Hitler, yeah. And Walt Disney. And Walt Disney, yeah. I like when Hitler's That's Hitler, yeah. And Walt Disney. And Walt Disney, yeah. I like when Hitler's not racist enough for you. You're like, well, of course he hated the Jewish part of himself, but he pitched out because he wasn't dead.

That looks like a before and after, like the Walt Disney and Hitler together. It looks like a before and after thing for a weight gain supplement. Dude, with InfoWars life, I have turned myself even sweatier. Only three weeks to see results. This comment, this was a Facebook comment. This came from a guy named William Lutec who wrote, Super Jew, doesn't want to be booty boy in prison for 20 years. So he's dropped the dime on Trump, which could have been my father. That's not a super Jew.

A Jew would never drop a dime. That's a fair point. Yeah, absolutely. You know what's the worst? That's right down the middle. Jew would never drop a dime That's a fair point Yeah absolutely You know what's the worst That's right down the middle For a second there I thought we were still Talking about Kevin Hart

And I was like What the What the fuck Is he talking about Well no the super Jew His power is He can pinch the penny so hard It turns into a souvenir penny

From Knott's Berry Farm It's an amazing feat of strength The super Jew Is the guy they had to go to To get the official call On Kevin Hart. Oh, yeah. He just sits in a room that's completely like a microchip room because he's just allergic to everything.

He's always facing the wrong way like Dr. Klaw in Inspector Gadget. Yeah, yeah. And he just sits and he watches a monitor with every channel going on at the same time. He just goes, good, yeah, still a lot of us going on in there. Good day's work at being the super Jew. I'm just picturing Ben Bernanke. That's all I'm picturing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben Bernanke, man. I gotta figure your dad had a couple funny photoshops of him saved. Huge fan of the Bernanke man. Okay, here's the next entry. That is what a Zionist Jew do everywhere. That's your dad. Twitter or Facebook?

Yeah, that's the right kind of broken to be your dad. I think that's Facebook. Zionist, though, yeah. I'm going to say your dad, but I think I'm wrong. It's Twitter. Oh, wow. Actually tweeted by D.L. Hughley. Believe it or not.

Who is D.L. Hughley? He's a black comedian. No, it was a Facebook post by Zach A. Gelmani, who wrote, both are Zionist Khazar Jews, and that is what Zionist Jews do everywhere. And he was like a picture of him and Cohen and Kushner. The Zionist thing is a real, dude, dude, a lot of these guys are really just crazy anti-Semitic

in a way that's unbelievable. Oh, yeah. Like publicly where I'm like, whoa, like this hard on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. Do a little fucking dog whistling for that. You know, for me. Oh, dude.

OK. Bonus points. Can you guess my dad's reaction? If you guys guess. Wait to Michael Cohen? About the Michael Cohen story. Yeah. OK.

What do we think? My guess. I think it definitely ties to the Jew thing. I think he goes, well, is his son gay? I think that is, that was a callback to the Kevin Hart thing. Yeah. It was bad. I think that he thinks he's one of the Cohen brothers, and he just starts complaining about the new season of Fargo.

Yeah, that's a... Yeah, I'm curious. Well, if you guess... There's a plot that goes nowhere. I cannot just listen to people with accent and that's the whole show. Oh, it is me, Ramse's father. Let us have Arabian croissants. If you guys are barely intelligible but definitely anti-Semitic, you are correct.

Here we go. They convicted, or at least I believe they come to the conclusion that he did break the law for Trump. So he was under the direction of Trump. Do you, what are your feelings on that? Do you think? Let me tell you something. That asshole Trump is, he has, his daughter is married to a fucking Jew and his kids, her kids and his daughter and her husband are Israeli citizens They are the ones who fucking go to Saudi Arabia to get all this fucking money from Saudi Oh, shit. Oh, God. The other cocksucker from the Soviet Union, that Bruce, the son of the king.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And just to remind you guys, let me just remind you guys what the question was. The direction of Trump. Do you... Yeah. Do you... What are your feelings on that?

Do you think... Do you think... Do you think... What are your feelings on that? And to a 45 minute Yeah, and he's like, okay, we're talking about his lawyer Let's bring it back to his Jew fucking daughter Well, it's such a rollercoaster

He's like, that asshole Trump And you're like, oh, maybe we have to turn it over His daughter Mary is a fucking Jew We're like, whoa, man That's his biggest problem with Trump Is that he let his daughter marry a Jew Does he know that you There is...

So my dad met my Jewish girlfriend. Okay, I dot, dot, dotted there because I didn't know what you wanted. Yeah, and we should point out, you're an impossibly Jewish girlfriend. Like, there's no hiding this. Well, what I love so much about is that my parents...

There is no word for quirky in the Middle East. So they just met my girlfriend. She's very smart. She's like the baklava for the brain. She just couldn't figure out the words. Very sweet, a little nutty. Yeah, yeah. Well, I like that you talk to your,

when your dad is telling you about like Jew fuckery destroying the bloodline of American purity, you're just reacting like it's another boring story. Yeah, uh-huh. And then what did the guy at the bank say to you? Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh. Alright, love you too. See you later. It's my only way

to keep him staying on the show is that I have to continuously be like, no, that makes total sense. So you think that he deserves this because his daughter married a Jew. Yeah, I track him. Yeah, what a reasonable point. Yeah.

Good, man. Okay, let's go. Do you guys – oh, yeah, we just talked about the crown prince, the guy who chopped up Jamal Khashoggi. Yeah, I've seen a little bit of stuff on this guy. He's weird because he's trying to be kind of like the cool, hip, modern guy, but then he's doing to be kind of like the cool, hip, modern guy, but then he's doing shady shit around the back.

He's like, well, I let the women drive so I could kill the journalists. I mean, it's called compromise. My dad's a genuine problem with this. My dad hates this guy so much. And his genuine problem with him is he goes, this guy built a mall in Saudi Arabia. And I'm like, he goes, a mall? Like, we're whores. Go spend money.

Your dad's take on the crown prince is women be shopping. He's like, no, my whole Saudi Arabian vacation is ruined because your bitch mother will make me buy her new pair of socks because of holes that have been there for decades. I wouldn't have to hold the purse if he did not illegalize purse. I have to wait in line at Cinnabon because this guy

just has to have. Oh, that's so funny. So, anyways. Stop and get snack at Orange Mohamedias. He's the crown prince of Saudi Arabia. Okay, here we go.

I went to Orange Islamius. I think they use blood in those. It's fucking weird. I mean, it's right next door to Dairy Chic. Just go there. Oh, yeah. Buy turban outfitters? Come on.

Everyone's done that one. Yeah. I like it. Okay, first entry. The Saudi royal family is Jewish. King and prince are all Jew. I think that's incorrect. Wait, what is the line one more time?

The line is, and is this a Facebook comment or my father? The line is, the Saudi royal family is Jewish. King and prince are all Jew. I think it's a Facebook comment, but I think King and Prince somehow is going to be about Martin Luther King and the musician Prince. That's lovely. Interesting.

Here's the thing. If it's not your dad, I think your dad should not be shown this point of view because it seems like something he gravitates towards. But I think it's social media. It's like an article where he's like, oh, I'll read that later. Yeah, that's good. I think it's an article it's social media it's like an article where he's like oh I'll read that later yeah that's good I think it's an article

you should keep away from your father I want to know like what the news your dad reads is like what how does he like where does he

who does he trust to tell him about the world I mean usually we subscribe to a publication called Anti-Semite Weekly and it's just you know weekly publications about how the Jews

are taking over the world. And here is a fun recipe for a knife. Only $40, and then you cook it by it comes to your house and you use it for murder. If you guessed father,

you're actually incorrect. This was on Twitter posted by a guy named Moe who tweeted, the Saudi royal family is Jewish, king, and prince are all Jew. And then he linked a video,

which is a Middle Eastern conspiracy video that just is supposed to be definitive proof that the Saudis are all Jews. All right, let's take a look. And let me just point this out. 69,000 people. Just let me hear him lie. Okay, look, I don't got to necessarily

play the audio on that one. It's got subtitles. You got to read it at home. There are two types of music. One type has a strong conviction. So we got talking heads. Basically what we have here just to set this up. Yeah, we got Kevin from the office. We got talking heads.

Okay, we have the Middle Eastern CNN. One guy on the right looks like Kevin from the office. And for some reason there's a woman. I don't know if she's going to start speaking on camera, but you know she's on camera. I don't like her odds. I don't like her odds, and they're going back and forth. Middle Eastern CNN should be called GHH for gutter.

Just like a guttural throat sound. Kevin from the office opens by saying there are two types of Islamists. One type has a strong conviction with regard to fighting the Americans and their enterprise. They include some of the resistant movements in Iraq. We must not lump all Islamists together. What if we did this like the old Chris Rock bit? Now there's two types of Islamists. All right?

Now there's those that of Islamists. All right? Now there's those that believe in a strong Iraq and steal the N-word. And then there's... Quick, quick, quick. Isn't it Islamists? Islamist is like a political...

Islamist is what they have instead of Christmas. Respectful to Ramsey's goofy culture. Where they put a turnip on top of a rock. For Islamists, if you're really shitty, under the tree, you get a present. That's how it works. And then you have to deal with the guilt of receiving it for a whole year. This is basically a third...

It was the most beautiful Islamist ever. My father raped me, threw me down a flight of stairs, and did not look at me for a whole month. I will never forget the Islamist magic. We go look at the Islamist lights, you know, in the good neighborhood where they can afford to burn you every day. Dr. Seuss presents how the Grinchowitz steal Islamists. You know, I thought that this was... You know, they have the little stands where the children, they sell a hot, hot oil for you to throw at the Jew.

This video I thought was going to be a better idea, but I realized it's all in Arabic right now. But I will, you know, leave the link behind if you guys are interested in checking it out. What is the Islamist version of Baby, It's Cold Outside? I really can't stay. Yes, you will. And the song is over.

Baby, it's unbelievably hot outside. Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. Okay. Here we go. Next one. Saudi Arabia smells like shit. That's your dad. That's a Yelp reveal

That is a Facebook post by Camden Truatz Who tweeted It seems like I'm the only one that thinks Saudi Arabia smells like shit And then he wrote Hashtag I swear it does I doubt that's true Which part? That he's the only one who thinks Saudi Arabia smells like shit Oh yeah yeah I swear it does. I doubt that's true. Which part? That he's the only one who thinks I'm a rapist.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I swear to God, dude. I'm not kidding. If I smoke a cigarette and then go underneath my armpit and then mix cigarette and BO, it smells like the Middle East. It reminds me of the Middle East. I'm not kidding. I thought you were going to say it smells like your dad. Just Ramsey's getting homesick.

All right. let's listen. Let's close this one out. What is my father's reaction to the Saudi crown prince in general? What do you think of him? What do you think about him, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia? I think he's a – I mean, I wish I would catch him, but just not all. Even if he comes in here, I'll probably – if I see him somewhere, I'm going to go kill him and stay, you know. If the conference is on your edge, if you see him, you'll kill him?

I will. I sure will. Dang, I'm going to talk about Daniel. If I see that guy, I'm going to stab, stab, stab, man. My man has used the Mean Boys podcast to declare officially that if he sees the Saudi Arabian crown prince casually out and about, he'll kill him. He's like Boomhauer if the boom was in Onomatopoeia. We just used our podcast as sort of fatwa between the leader of Saudi Arabia and what is basically the Islam version of George's dad on Seinfeld. I'm going to be honest, I think I'd understand your dad's work just for speaking

Palestinian. I'd be like, at least one of these has got to be similar to a Spanish word I know. Come on, man. You're giving me nothing here. What is your dad's cell phone plan? The bad guys from 24? His dad's cell phone plan is tape it to the side of a

box and mail it to the Prince of Saudi Arabia. My dad's cell phone plan is tape it to the side of a box and mail it to the Prince of Saudi Arabia. My dad's cell phone plan is to snap it in half after every phone call. He's got a drawer full of burners. That would be something like a rapper would do in the 2000s. Just break a brand new Motorola Razr in half after every call. At least you know what to get him for Islamist. I am constantly worried about him. I really think he's going to get jailed someday. Yeah yeah it seems like a good idea what makes you think that he also seems lazy

you know yeah and that's really been our saving grace nothing about any audio clip i've heard makes me feel like this dude should just be out and about making plans yeah yeah it's really been it's really you know it's really been quite uh sort of a worry for the family for the last few years he's just got the mental energy when I hear him talk where he's just like, I will kill Crown Prince. Cannot access him. What about mailman? I just realized you'll probably never have a proper Christmas.

Yeah, I'll never have. I don't know what it's about. Even now, you'd think with your girlfriend's family, but she's Jewish. So you've got to have fucking... Yeah, but they have an eight-day Christmas. Yeah, but it's not that. It's the Kmart of Christmas. Yeah, it's not even a big deal, really, to most Jews.

Oh, really? The ones I've talked to, Hanukkah's like, it's cool, but it's not the same as Christmas. You've got a free candle? Hey, it's no Ramadan. You know what I mean? It's no 30 days of not eating. That's our Christmas. That's the fun part.

That's our Christmas. You know you could just celebrate Christmas even if you don't believe in that Jesus, man. Like, you could just do whatever the fuck you want. You know what, though? But there's always a weird attachment to me of, like, Christmas, and it's always, like, a weird thing in the back of my brain where I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I celebrate Christmas. Dude, I actually like the devil

and I still like Christmas. I know, I know, it's a weird thing. I've actually, I started fasting during Honda days just out of respect for those helpful men and their service. Yeah, absolutely. They do a lot. They do a lot.

Well, that was a lot of fun. Thanks for getting us on some more watch lists. We'll be right back with your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag after this. Guys, it wouldn't be Snark Week without Mean Boys History of Cinema. Tom Goss, what have you prepared? Quick, do you guys want to give a quick explanation?

Quick explanation. I wasn't here last Snark Week. We gave Tom ten minutes to write a sketch. He wrote possibly the worst sketch ever written for this show. And I didn't include 49-11. Oh, fuck that. 49-11 is actually beautiful. It's beautiful.

And he was like, yeah, ten minutes. But the deal we made, because we were like, we don't know if we can even put this up, and the deal we made was we would do it, but there's no edits, you get one take, and Tom has to do every character's voice. Yeah. And now it's a tradition, unfortunately. And me and Connor do the music and sound effects, and then we... And we're backing banded by... Yeah, by our roommates.

We've got our new roommates, Spencer Gaspar, Max Beasley, and Spencer's girlfriend, Morgan. You can call me Megan. Cool. That is a call forward. Dude, yeah. We got fucking... I don't know if you can tell, but this podcast got off the rails. And right now you've just heard the very tired Mexican joke off.

And you're like, when did this turn into a party? Yeah, this is a sneak preview of weird shit to come. Yeah, so this is Tom describes movies. And mostly he describes, he'll describe a statue, a podcast, and a dream before he describes an actual fucking motion picture when he does the bit. All right, you guys have a mic footer in here. Feel free to jump in with any comments you have as this goes on. Yeah. All right, Tom, are you ready?

Yes. Dun, dun, dun, dun, are you ready? Yes. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Hello! Oh, I forgot what my job was. Hello and welcome to the Mean Boys History of Cinema where we, the Mean Boys, do

history of cinema. Go ahead. We go through great films throughout the ages, explain the origin of their name. And since we are nearing the end of the year, why not tackle the beautiful dark pit of holiday movies? First up, the Jewish classic, Eight Crazy Nights. I'm going to pause right there. I don't think the Jewish people really embraced that movie. Yeah, I'm not sure if eight crazy nights was their thing.

Yeah. I thought it was. It's a Jewish film. They got like eight solemn ass observant motherfucking nights. Anyway, all right. Here's Tom's interpretation of the movie Eight Crazy Nights. Oh, hello. I am Adam Sandler.

Oh, hello. I am a midget. Braids. You want to go walk around getting gifts? Oh, boy, that sounds great. I am a midget still. Oh, my God. What's that noise? Holy cow.

There are knights over there. Foz, you wrote holy calf. Explain yourself. Because a calf is smaller than a cow. Oh, my God. Fuck. That's really good. Holy shit.

Wow. Holy fart. Holy calf. There are knights over there. Ah, yes. I am a knight, and I am a Scientologist. Oh, no. There's eight of them! And none

of us believe you can get pregnant from unconsensual sex. They're all crazy. That's eight crazy knights. Okay, so it's like, here's what you did. You wrote a bad sketch and thought, how do I get a rape joke in there?

I also want to point out that the stage director says, end of eight crazy nights, and I don't know what you want me to do with that. Very crazy! I also love that all your voices are just your voice. Hey, Tom, pause. This has as many laughs as the movie Schindler's List.

But not... You didn't make me come. No, dude, I'm loving this. But nights are the only people who get to Christmas. let's go to our next holiday film die hard begin die hard hold on hold on that was all a crazy night it's just how they got their name it's another page and a half of this i was legitimately like oh is he doing like 50 first dates too i I thought you were doing other Adam Sandler. That was all crazy.

Eight crazy nights. Eight crazy nights. Okay. Yeah, now it makes sense. Didn't stop the voice. All right, die hard. All right, die hard. Hello, I am Jesus, about to be murdered for Christmas.

Okay. Okay, pause real quick. You've never seen Die Hard before, right? I have not. Okay. You've also never heard of Jesus. I grew up Buddhist. Yeah, it's actually 100% true.

I can't believe this fucking guy. Yeah, that's right. Well, no, no, no. Yeah, that's right. We're going to kill you. I want to point out that this man in the script is referred to as Kill Jesus Guy. This is, okay, yeah, so this is when Concussed Jesus was killed by the Italian slave. Oh, boy, please. Kill Jesus Guy, are we doing eight crazy nights again?

Hey, Tom Puz, did you write this on Microsoft Paint? Oh, boy, please don't kill me, though. I'm Jesus. Oh, clang, clang, clang. Tink, tink, tink, tink. Oh, good, and now you're dead. Tink, tink, tink. I'm hammering a nail.

A week later. Musical guest, Jesus. He's still Don Fardo. He's still Don Fardo. I lost my place. Oh, man, Bruce Willis, did you hear that? Jesus guy's back. He can't be back.

He's dead. Bruce Willis. I saw it myself. In an air vent above the field of death sticks. Hey, Tom, pause. If I film this with a VHS camera, it'd be a Germany's Greatest Movie. He can't be back. He's dead.

I saw it. Oh, I already said that. I know. It's not going to make any sense. Well, he will be dead. It's just hard for him to die. He die hard. Wait.

The pun isn't even grammatically correct. I thought it would be a boner joke, but it was just Bruce Willis, if he was southern and had a bad education, he'd die hard. Wow. Even I had a hard time following that one. We got one more coming up, and this one is more history than Mean Boys. Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for your last holiday film, Christmas with the Craigs. Why are you introducing the movies

like they're performing at the Apollo? Because that's the deal. What I can't figure out is what scenario are you in where there's an announcer before a movie. Are we at the Ark line? Yeah, but like a bad version. Welcome to the Ark Dark. Holy shit.

We will be screening one VHS of Critters 2 five times a day. Oh, fuck me, dude. Shit. Hello, wife. Wait, what movie is this again? Christmas with the Cranks. Oh, yeah.

I thought this was a very boring Christmas. Hello, wife. Who are we having over for the... Who are we having over with for the... Who are we having over with the... Here's what happened. Tom wrote, who are we having over with the holidays? Tried to correct mid-sentence, and they did the verbal equivalent of driving a car off the floor. All right, Tom.

Who are we having over with the holidays? I don't remember their name. Is it that midget again? The Smiths, the Johnsons, the Amazakis. No, no, it was the Cranks. The Cranks? Yeah, so look, they're here. Sweetheart, these are just literal Cranks.

I know, we're having Christmas with the cranks. Oh my God, Thomas. No, Tom, come on. Where's the outro music? This is the music. That was Mean Boys History of Cinema, where we take the time to go over films in history while ruining the experience of listening to this podcast.

And scene. Hey, Tom, do you think... I like that nobody felt kind of compelled to clap. But you made sure to do it in a way where no one could hear you. Tom, do you think in scenes from Clerks, the animated series... I don't think. I haven't seen that.

We keep referencing this to him. He's never seen it, but it's so good. It seems like something you would love. Alright, well, that was Mean Boys' history of cinema. I'm exhausted. We did that one. Well, the Mean Boys podcast is back to answer your questions and more in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Send us an email Or give us a call Have you ever heard The one about Keith and the dog It's a motherfucking Mean boy's Petaloo break

That was a jingle Yeah Which I do feel like We should periodically say It was made by Andrew Hillary Yeah Who put way too much Work into it

Shout out to Andrew Hillary And real quick Just shout out This is the fucking You know Seventh day of snark week I'm amazed that people Have kept coming up

With shit to ask Yeah Yeah I think you guys Have really put in a lot of work Giving us stuff to talk about And to everybody This is the fucking, you know, seventh day of Snark Week. I'm amazed that people have kept coming up with shit to ask. Yeah. Yeah, I think you guys have really put in a lot of work giving us stuff to talk about. And to everybody who sent in games or jokes or voice messages that we haven't gotten to yet, we genuinely appreciate it. We weren't able to get to quite everything. Yeah, we'll use them, but it's just we've never had this much stuff coming in, so it's like it's going to get harder to, you know, do all that.

But, yeah, we're going to use all that, and we do really appreciate it. It's really cool. Yeah. Yeah, so what are you going to read first, Tom? We've got a comment here. I thought this was spam at first because it was dan underscore zero one dot jpeg on Instagram. All right.

Is this undercover Dan? Why are all of our Instagram handles hiding from something? Why is it like there's no way she'll be able to see I'm looking at her story if I use this handle? He says, Bratos dot dot dot cone zone is fucking genius. So you guys can go ahead and... Well, Dan underscore bullshit 69 420 dot mpeg or whatever thinks it's a good idea. So clearly put your money into it. Yeah, man.

Are you familiar with the cone zone, Ramsey? I like the Cone Zone. It's one of the ideas I think I would fund. Okay, yeah. When you become a venture capitalist? Yes. This would be your ultimate life is like if you just have a bunch of disposable money, you just get to hear bad ideas all day. You changed out the app, by the way. What's that? Oh, yeah. You changed an app.

Yeah, here's my new app idea. I think it's good. It's an onion, right? But it's blooming. Alright, it's called Headspace, right? And it's my dad. And if you're gay, he cuts off your head so you can wear a hat on your neck. Are you guys done being ridiculous? And he just stood up for dramatic effect and then took Tom's weed. All right, so this is a concept.

Okay, so you're cleaning your bathroom, right? Not applicable to anyone in this house. This is not useful. You picked the wrong test group. Yeah, I? Not applicable to anyone in this house. This is not usually. You picked the wrong test group. Yeah, I picked the wrong test group. But theoretically. Still, nobody has picked up the dime that's on the floor in there. Your bathroom is...

Is that a dime there for... Seriously. I can't find the dime. I've looked for it. Tom, you idiot. Tom, what is happening to me? It's right in the fucking middle of the goddamn floor. That is so funny.

Which bathroom? You're the only dumb guy that doesn't notice shiny shit. You don't even have the helpful elements of your condition. I feel like Tom keeps finding arrowheads and other artifacts, but not actual money. Tom actually found Bin Laden. Like, hey, I missed it. You got a dollar? Yeah.

So, yeah. He's in your bathroom, right? And you got to – listen, man. There's something I learned in this last month being away from you guys. When you clean your bathroom – You've only been gone for a month? I've been gone for about a month. Fuck.

God, it feels so long. You don't want to piss in that bathroom because it's clean. Right. So, I've created an app which links you up to your nearest neighbors who haven't cleaned their bathroom in the longest time right and lets you piss in their bathroom until your bathroom gets a little bit more dirty but your bathroom won't get dirty if you're not using it well it'll eventually get dirty ah every part of this is the worst idea so the pitch for this app is what if two people that live in your apartment complex

killed one another? Are you mad that hasn't happened yet? Well, for $4.99... Picture me pitching this. You can connect it to your Facebook account. I'd like to picture me pitching this to the Sharks, and then, 20 minutes later, me saying to the Sharks,

but why would someone want to have sex with a child? I don't... I'm like, I don't understand it. Yeah, yeah. All their problems with't. I'm like, I don't understand it. All their problems with it. I'm like, I don't get it. Alright, let's go to our voicemail line here. Have I pitched you guys socks made out of

swim trunk material? Oh yeah, a bunch of times. I actually, I haven't heard the pitch. I've only heard of the pitch. Okay, well here's the pitch. It goes like this. Here you are, Sunday night. You're in your cozies. And you think, I want to go wade through something. No, no, no, no, no. I got a bog that needs exploring.

The need for this product is much more organic than you guys are allowing it to be. You're in your cozies. It's Sunday. You're watching Mad Men, okay? I hate Mad Men. All right, so it's six years ago. You're watching your cozies. It's Sunday. You're watching Mad Men, okay? I hate Mad Men. All right, so it's six years ago. You're watching something cool, like the marvelous Miss Maisel. You're a white guy, and you just got broken up with, and your name is Damien Holmes.

You're wearing Star Wars pajamas and watching Don Draper drink and squint. And you think to yourself, boy, I wish some guy would give me a dumb idea right now. You get up. You go to the bathroom. Oh, but a lot of ideas are circled around the bathroom, okay? How bad are you at peeing is what I want to get at. Ramsey got Crohn's disease in the past month. He was spending most of his time on a toilet.

Does your dick just go out like in two different directions, like the stream, like a public fountain with a piece of gum over the top? Yeah, do they come out forked where you're from? What the fuck happened? Well, dude, I have a medical condition, okay? Most of the time when I pee, I'm hard as fuck.

And that's a sign. I also have to pause every sexual session with five pee breaks. That's not normal to get hard if you have to pee for too long? That's only a couple of people? No, I get soft when I have to pee. My dick hurts. Well, because there's like a pathway, and this is actually, I'm glad that I can finally talk about this on Mean Boys. Yeah, yeah. there's like a pathway, and this is actually, I'm glad that I can finally

talk about this on Mean Boys. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a pathway, right, for piss and a pathway for cum. Right. Right? And as soon as piss shows up, the cum pathway closes and you get soft. Okay. Yeah.

No, when I have to pee too much, I get hard. Think of you get hard. Yeah. I'm just picturing you pinching your dick tip and like filling your whole wiener up. Yeah, no. That's not a normal thing Think of pee as a Walmart And your cum as a local hardware store

And that's kind of what it goes down You can't go to both Well I'm at both Well not right now but in general With Tom it always just kind of balances out to blood Tom is explaining If he has to pee too badly he gets hard yes yeah i have jerked off too many times in a row and like looked at the rag afterwards and seen blood and realized i'd cut

my penis from the friction oh god yeah how possible that that's the most upsetting thing i've ever heard on lotion up you fucking monster i don't like using lotion i don't think you would like bleeding from the dick less there was like a guy that quit comedy but he had a good bit where he's just talking about I liked it I guess because I related to it. He's like,

I jerk off dry. Alright, I want my dick to look like an old Grapes of Wrath farmer that says, I'm not working for you no more. I remember that.

And then he just got a lady pregnant and quit comedy and I'm like, can I have that? I guess I just took it. But yeah, I think Matt that did Max Blooms three times. Hope you're good, dude. Wait,? Well, that's I guess I just took it. But yeah, I think Matt that did Max Blooms three times.

Hope you're good, dude. Was it? OK. I thought it was someone else. No, I don't remember the guy's name in the slightest. Not Caleb. I would remember Caleb. Anyway.

Yeah. So wait, why do you need swim trunks? Well, you don't. But tell me why you think you're in your Sunday cozy. What? Stop saying that. Like, it's a thing. Yeah.

Stop going back to your pre-prepared fucking edge. I do like the idea of you opening a drawer simply labeled thezies. Stop saying that like it's a thing. Yeah, stop going back to your pre-prepared fucking edge spiel. I do like the idea of you opening a drawer simply labeled Decozies. It's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Here's your Sunday Decozies. You've had a red wine and a Vicodin. Again, you're Damien Holmes. You've had a red wine and a Vicodin. You're walking over to the medicine cabinet where you keep the Ritalin.

It's important. You're getting the Ritalin. Boom. You step in a puddle. Okay. Now your socks are wet. Yeah. Uh-huh.

So what are you going to do? Okay, here's what you use. Take them off. Take them off. Put them in the wash. Hey, Ramsey, here's the dumbest part of this idea. The swim truck material is not water resistant. It doesn't.

It's not like it's made of mylar or something. It'll wicker the moisture away. First of all, you're looking at wick. And second of all, shut up. No, because all that means is that, you know this puddle you stepped in? Well, what if you could bring it to scenic the rest of your house? Well, you would be much better with a grocery bag rubber band system. No, no, no.

You guys are not thinking. I'm not against this so far. What is it a puddle of? Because what you're implying is then you can just keep your feet covered in a little bit of pee. Wait, Keith, hold on. What is it a puddle of? Because what you're implying that like just then you can just keep your feet covered in a little bit of pee. Wait, Keith, hold on. Keith is Tom is interested. We just found out

he has an 800 credit score. So I think we could actually get these guys to ruin their lives with this. So, Tom, I got you on the hook. OK, I'm not fully hooked, but I'm hooking you now. Your socks are wet.

OK, what would you you used to have to take off your socks, put them in the wash? I mean, not global warming. Okay, what would you do? You used to have to take off your socks, put them in the wash. I mean, not immediately, but sure. Global warming, eventually. Yeah, 9-11. 9-11, global warming. And now, what if I gave you a sock made out of swim trunk material?

I'd say, Ramsey, stop doing riddling. I would throw it away. I would throw it away while you watch. All right, so what is it? I would garbage cuck you. Here's my question. I'm the guy pitching who can't understand any of your feedback. I go, what if I promised you guys a sock made out of swim trunks?

I'd be even less interested than the first time you said it. Well, I have some for you today. Okay, what's the resolution of your pitch? Here's my question. I got a question for one of the sharks. I'm the shark. What are the swim options with these socks? You could swim with them on if you want.

They won't kick off? They will not kick off, yeah. Just to clarify, have you ever been swimming and thought, I wish my feet were encumbered? Has that ever once been an issue for you? Well, you know what? Your feet get cold when you're swimming in water. Yeah, well, listen, Tom, in the venture capital world, Keith is what we call a naysayer.

Okay? And you are what we call a dreamer. So keep listening to my pitch. Your feet are wet. Okay? By the way, this is a picture of Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z. What you're describing are his shoes. This is you're trying to sell me a pair of Piccolo shoes.

Absolutely. Be the green monster man of your dreams. Yeah. Is he part pickle? Is that why he's called Piccolo? Piccolo!

Why is he green? He's from Namek. It's a long story. It's fine. Yeah, and I understand. I have to say the same thing to people about my parents. Yeah. They're from a place.

It doesn't matter anymore. Yeah. Well, it's going to be a hard pass for me on the- Well, I'm not done pitching. Okay. What other angles am I missing? Unless the end of the idea is here's a different good one. I'm pretty much out.

Okay. Well, hold on. Let me finish pitching. Okay. Well, hold on. Let me finish pitching. Okay. He's hemming and hawing because he's trying to come up with a twist here. What if the socks could make you faster when you swim? Well, they do that as well. They do not.

How do they do that? Because you're wearing socks. Webbing. What? It webs your feet. Shut up, idiot. No one is faster in socks except for the risky business guy. That's it.

Actually, if you slide on hardwood floors with these socks, you won't slide. They stop you right in your place. I'm out. Oh. Admittedly, socks with traction, you're under the seat of an idea there. No, those are hospital socks. I have a bunch of those. Yeah, but not everyone.

Some people got old and didn't go crazy at any point. Why did you say that? Like, oh, state quarters? Let me break out my mask. You want to hear something super tight? I have a pair of hospital socks that I stole from my ex-girlfriend that I still wear sometimes. Oh, nice. They're really comfortable.

Wait. Yeah, you know which one. It was a mental hospital? Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine? I miss those socks, man. Could you imagine if the Sharks really broke up and had your discussion right now?

At some point, Mark Cuban would think. Oh yeah, I stole clothing from the mentally unwell. They gave it to me. No, I meant me. I'll steal it back. So I was burgling someone in need, and I had an idea, Sharks. Stealing from her while she was there. She brought them home from the hospital. Yeah, yeah. I thought

she won't notice these, and then I thought she stole way more stuff from me. I should be able to get these from a store, and not just from a whore. She stole like $120 worth of my three good belongings. I got one pair of socks out of the deal. Can I have the socks? What? Can I have the socks?

Absolutely not. Okay, so... I have jerked off on them a couple times. Do you wear them still? Yeah. Now, if you jerk off on my socks... Well, if you jerk off on a hospital sock, does it get better? If you jerk off on my sock, I promise you, stain free.

That's not how swim trunks work. That's absolutely. Stain free socks would not be a bad stain. I've come on swim trunks before. Did they stain? I mean, there was a little bit of streaking. Wickered away. Wicker technology.

Not wicker. I'd buy wicker socks before I bought your swim trunk socks. Okay, so ultimately here's the pitch. I would buy Dutch patio furniture socks. Here's the pitch. All right. Swim trunk tuxedos. These socks dry in 50% of the time that regular socks dry.

Okay. So not that fast still. Yeah. So you're being wet for a while socks dry. Okay. So not that fast still. Yeah. So you're being wet for a while. Okay. Okay. We're talking about a half hour difference on a dryer. Yeah, but you know what is like a way faster thing is just taking your socks off.

Yeah, or not stepping in your fucking puddle. Then you put on a different pair of socks. I only have three socks. Exactly. What? Wait, hold on. Do you mean three pairs? Yeah, my left one, my right one, and the one I put on my hand when I'm lonely.

You wear three socks throughout the course of an entire laundry cycle? I mean, I've lost some socks lately, so yeah, I'm down to three. There's a bucket of loose socks next to the laundry cycle. Oh, I wonder how many of those are mine. Those are actually my socks. We can't have his outside socks? Yeah, you can't actually. Do you have three pairs of socks? Three individual socks. Yeah, you can actually. Do you have three pairs of socks?

Three individual socks. Yeah, you rotate them. You rotate them. Oh, that makes it better. I've only worn this. If I wear a sock for nine hours, I'm like, maybe I should put on some new socks. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, I don't know where they went. If you change your socks at like 6 p.m. And I got to figure Tom's feet just produce like some sort of like forbidden gravy. We have an episode title. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're like, I know me. I get the toe cheese. I'm like, this is gross.

I got it. These are yucky. That sounds gross. My feet are pretty pretty right now. I feel like. No, they're not. If you go like three hours. They are radiating with vague pink sores.

Yeah, your feet are not pretty, dildo baggins. You have three pairs of socks. You're incubating. You've got a fucking ant farm going. I can't believe how long we've been talking about the socks. Yeah, so Rams, you just finish this fucking bullshit. Okay. And for an investment of what I'm asking for is $2 million.

$2 million. All the sharks have def jammed around the room at this point. Well, here's why, though. Because I recently adopted this new thing where, you know how swim trunks have the. You can maybe pitch this to Mark Dominican, but I don't know. Mark Guam might be interested. Mark Arrico. Wait, what's his actual name? Mark Aritav might be interested. Or Mark-a-rico. Mark-a-ritaville is interested.

What's that? What's Mark's actual last name? Cuban. Cuban, yeah. Oh. Well, no, now all the riffs made sense. It was like clogged up and you pulled the thing and all came out. All right. We're going to listen to voicemails now.

Hey, boys. I have some questions. Okay. Do you think that open relationships can be healthy at work? The reason I ask, my girlfriend would like to. I work at the Bad Ideas Store. Are these answers for Tom specifically? No.

Okay. Experiment with women. And, you know, she's in her 20s. It's a good time for it, I guess. And I'm in. If you know she's in her 20s. It's a good time for it I guess. And I'm in... If you gotta do that gay shit, at least do it in your 20s. My early 30s and I'm in better shape than I was when I was in my 20s. So you know, wouldn't necessarily mind sleeping with other people.

If you guys come to Minneapolis, last time Connor came, I gave him 10 bucks for arcade games. Maybe I'll give you guys some, like, pottery. I make pots. All right.

Thanks. Bye. Wow, you're an amateur pottery maker. I don't know why your girlfriend wants to fuck someone else. Seriously.

No, I don't know. Where are you guys? You can't do the ghost scene in Fort Blay every day. You fucking drunk addicts are just coughing up your shit. I don't know. How do you guys feel about the open relationship? I don't think it's okay.

Really? I don't think any relationship's a good idea, you know? Like, I really don't. I think an open relationship... I think I'm becoming the next stage of man, what I like to't. I think an open relationship. I think I'm becoming the next stage of man. What I like to call the emotional cacti. Yeah. You know, I keep everything out and I drink my delicious juice.

And every desert around him. I mean, here's my thing. I know a few people who like open relationships have worked for. I know way more who they haven't worked for. Yeah. I think the only way it works is if both people are equally stoked on that idea. Like if there is any miss like leveling of that. Yeah. I think the only way it works is if both people are equally stoked on that idea. Like if there is any miss like leveling of that. Yeah. Like I think you're fucked. It's like that book, The Missing Piece, but the other piece is a butt plug.

And if you find that butt plug, then you can probably still fuck your accountant. And it sounds like from your voicemail, this was more her idea than yours. I think you're cool. You know, you're a cool dude. You're a cool giving dude for even considering it. I think think about it. Maybe consider doing stuff together before we split off and go on our own fucking journeys deal. Sounds like his girl wants to... By the way, I feel like we didn't do this, but it sounds like his girl wants to hook up with other chicks.

So let's all high five each other really quick. Gentlemen, gentlemen, good work. Good work. That was fucking cool, man. Number one, number one. I will say, as far as reasons to do an open relationship, having sexuality shit you haven't explored yet and needing to figure that out but not wanting to dump somebody,

that's a good reason to consider opening it up. I would never allow this because then the woman I'm dating might know what sex is like without constant riffing. And then I think she'd become addicted and leave me. I love that in your world, the women you're having sex with have never had sex before. You're just defiling virgins. That was one of the best scumbag I shared half a high school class with, pull quotes. I was like, well, dude, he's fucking without condoms. And I'm like, well, dude, he's like fucking without condoms

and I'm like, well, dude, be careful. I mean, you don't want to get a disease and he's like, you're a fucking idiot.

I only fuck virgins. Whoa, man. He's like, whoa, bro, I only fuck virgins. and then he went back

to starring in the movie Kids. Yeah. That dude, how's that, do you know how that dude's doing today? No idea. I couldn't even tell you his name. I just barely remember his face.

Yeah. I think that, okay, his name. I just barely remember his face. Yeah. I think that, okay, I think the only type of open relationship makes any sense. This is just my opinion. No one get all fucking, a lot of polyamorous people act like it's a fucking religion. But they do. They're fucking insane about it. No, no, no. Yeah, they get buck wild about it.

I get it. You like what you like. Yeah, I don't like how much fucking knitwear Eli Oldsberg is wearing. I'm worried about him. Blink three times if you're okay, Eli. Hi, Eli. You don't listen, but I love you if anyone calls me out about this. The only time it makes sense to me is if one of the people is bi,

and you can't be a dude and a chick, so if it's a girl who wants to hook up with Grace. The irony of this is the day we had Robin in on the bonus episode. And I think that's, if you want to have that open, that's fine. Well, yeah, and that's what the situation is. Yeah, I think that's fine. But, you know, if you're comfortable with it, every girl I've dated is buying. Some of them have wanted to, like, have it open.

Like, can I hook up with other girls? But to be fair, I don't give a shit. I can't be a girl. I can't fill that need. Well, yeah, but here's but here's what i'll say though like you tried one time it was a whole that's where you got the hospital socks but being bi i don't think necessarily is like a get out of monogamy free card like i'm bi and it's like at the end of the day like it is well no because people well people will be like you know like well you're but you're bi but you're dating a girl so how does that work you just like fuck dudes on the side i'm like no if i were gay and i were like married to this dude

i would still just fuck the one dude like right no no no i'm not saying it should be a rule for everybody right but that's the only one in terms of like oh that a man can't fill the physical role of a woman in here or right i just don't feel like you should feel compelled to have to have an open relationship for that reason what i'm saying is that's the only time polyamory makes any sense to me. I think if you're just two straight people, like, yeah, I'm going to go fuck other... Then you're just in an uncommitted relationship. You know what I mean? I would just be...

I see that for you. I see that for being 23 is what you're... I would just be afraid that the bisexuality phase would end while we were together. And then maybe she would... you know what I mean? Maybe she'd flip to the wrong side. Yeah, but then she wasn't on your set to begin with. She was a double agent. Oh, wait, you think she's going to turn gay?

No, I mean, I just think bisexuality is just a phase in general that people go through, and then they get over it. When do you stop being Arab? I can't wait, because the flavor profile, the smells in here. You know the sitcom episode where they find out they turned their ex gay? I sort of had that. I kind of dated a girl that's trans now. It's a trans man. Oh, that's fun.

Apparently, she blocked me on everything, but apparently he blocked you on everything. He blocked me on everything. I was thinking about the other day, I'm like, that's a modern Seinfeld plot. You know, he's just like, he seems to be having a great time.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. That is crazy. Wait, did you, like, have a serious relationship with this person? Not really. I did. She even at one point told me that that was the thing she was thinking about.

I dated her as a she. It's a she in my... I don't even know if that's... Yeah. It's. There we go. Yeah. But I agree with...

And here the boys are exhausted and try to dance around pronouns without getting in trouble. For my next trick. You know what's really intense is I actually dated a girl who's now a zur. When did she become an alien conqueror? The Xur attacking the Martian spice colony. That joke was just for the Jordan Peterson contingency out there. What up, guys? Someone made a good point to me.

I was like, sometimes the misgendering thing is hard, and I'm actually pretty good about it, shockingly, I guess. But I really haven't slipped up on it, I think, in a long time. Like, I try to be nice about it. I slip up every fucking time, and I always feel bad about it. But I was talking to a trans person, and after I was done washing my hands, I was thinking about what they were saying. That's going directly into my stand-up. Anyway, and, yeah, she was, like, she was saying, like, well, I was, like, it just feels grammatically weird to say, like, I was talking to them, and them said they, like, or whatever. And it just feels weird, you know.

And she was, like, well, yeah, but, yeah, and I was, like, why not G or something just to make it easy? And she was, like, well, yeah, that feels even more dehumanizing. Like, you're so weird. We had to make up a word for you. And she was, like, why don't we just change grammar? Like, we've changed grammar a million times. And I was like, ah, that's pretty smart. Yeah, words are meant to be fucked around with.

And I was shocked because she's a woman now. And it was smart. I don't know. I was trying to. I got it. Yeah, you see what sort of meta thing I was trying to do. Anyway, I agree with Keith. Don't do any sexual situations you're not comfortable with.

Yeah, but if you're down and you guys are having a good time, set parameters, communicate openly about it, talk about what you're concerned about, and go have fun fucking. And always be aware it never ends well. I think it's hard to. Except sometimes it totally does. No, I think, I'll tell you what, I think it I think it ends poorly.

Here's the deal. Polyamory was invented four weeks ago and there's no like 80 year old polyamorous couples that have, like, can tell the story. That's a fair point. I just feel like people have been swinging it open for hours. I'm kidding. I think the key is I think you have to start the relationship in a polyamorous thing. Probably.

I don't know if you can go, like, we're monogamous. You can't go back and forth. It's like trying to stop mid-P. Exactly. You'll explode. I don't know, though. I think if you're gauging a relationship as like a lifetime thing, I think you can kind of like have phases that you go in and out of and like different periods.

It's like an artist. I totally think you know. Oh, yes. We'll always have horny July. Yeah. Yeah. A horny summer. Dude, a horny summer is great.

Yeah. Okay. I could be wrong, but I'm. You talked me into this. Yeah. I had the horniest summer of my life. Yeah. But do they still go to heaven if you're polyamorous?

Oh, no. No. Hey, Mean Boys. Blazit Pascal calling in. I've got a question for you. Oh, shit. I recognize that name. I've run out of room for names, so if you're a new Mean Boys fan, I'm not going to probably

remember your Twitter, but yeah, I'll always have. Was it Blazin' Pascal? Yeah, yeah. Where is his barbecue restaurant? I'm kidding. I think he's a... My name is Blazin' Pascal. I make a spicy mess.

Damn, that reference. I do the wager with God. I lose, now I have pizza place. Never been to get the big man, the gold. Do you ever realize sometimes Conor's in the middle of something where you're like, God damn it, I can't follow that one. I can't follow spicy math. How do you think I feel?

Because after I'm done being funny, I have to just go back to being an asshole that has no good qualities aside from the fact that he can think of racist things to say really quickly. Why do you think I try to always be on? Because off me is horrendous. Anyway. Well, you could, yeah. I'm going to not a voicemail about you con man um mostly connor i'm pretty sure this is i think um but like you know sometimes

you encounter a person we missed a good line sure this is autism driven um but like you know sometimes you encounter a person philosopher historical whatever shits and uh i don't know i'll do this i'll obsessively pour through everything i can read about them or listen to or whatever and my thoughts will just slowly kind of warp to mimicking them for a few weeks until i run out of stuff to consume or get bored or whatever and uh i came over to the mean boys uh through uh the surprise kamikaze roast of brandel maynard and conspiracy the show so i've been familiar with connor for a bit and i'm so sorry sexual so keep basically doesn't have anything of value to say uh but i have been taking in a heavy dose right familiar with

connor for a bit and i'm asexual, so Keith basically doesn't have anything of value to say. Wait, he's asexual for Keith, and he says you have nothing valuable to say? No, he says he's asexual, so nothing I say is of value. Oh, okay. I was about to say you're talking about my fucking boy, dude.

Yeah, I think he's saying all my advice is only fuck-related. I feel like I have a relative amount of wisdom about non-fucking. He's the only guy on the show that gives real advice. Yeah. Because I just make the misdirect jokes, and I don't let Tom finish the sentence. I give real advice. It's just bad.

Yeah. I don't know. Sorry I can't teach you how to build a ship in a bottle or whatever the fuck you do when you're not blowing loads, you dweeb. Yeah. That is a very asexual hobby, ships in a bottle. I know what I did. I haven't cummed since long ago, but boy, look at this galleon inside of this Pepsi.

It reminds me of when boats were big. You remember the boat days? Oh, yes. The great boat beginning. Mother, take me away from this place. I don't want to see the big boats. Take me back to my small boats. I don't think anybody deserves a hate crime, but I am confused.

It's going to be good. You're in a big boat in a small boat. I'm legitimately confused why there is no hate crimes against asexual people. To me, that's more confusing than gay. Well, it's hard to do them because they never get out of the house. You know what I'm saying? I mean, they're not dating. They're not...

I guess technically school shootings. Maybe, yeah. I guess that's more incel shit. No, I meant like the kids at Sandy Hook weren't fucking yet. Yeah, that's a fair point. But I'm just like, they weren't getting them for...

I'm just saying, to me, if you explain to my father, gay guys, he'll be like, that's crazy. But if you go, guys who don't cum, that's another level. They can't cum. They just don't want to. They just don't want to. That, to me, seems like it would invoke more hate.

Which is what I'm striving to reach. I've had friends who came out as asexual. They used to confuse the shit out of me. Oh, dude, I wish I was so bad. No, no, I'm okay with it. This guy hasn't even asked this question let me emphasize something i'm okay with it i support it it just confuses me that that is more acceptable throughout history than homosexuality was to me the other way it should be flip asexual is the one thing you'll never have to look at you know you always watch people not fuck so there's nothing about their lifestyle that's being

flaunted. You never, like, it's an outrage, I had to watch that guy hold hands with nobody. Sure. Anyway, let's get back on the boat here. What's going on? But I have been taking a very tiny inside of a bottle boat. Get up on this tugboat. Taking in a heavy, heavy dose of Tom Goss over the past few weeks. What?

And I am suing for radiation poisoning. Wait, what is he suing? He says he's been taking a plate again. You Chernobled my brain. Hey, for the last four minutes, this guy has been saying, I listened to the mean boys. Heavy dose of Tom Goss over the past few weeks. And I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I feel like this has just been the excuse my personality's been waiting for to rocket off into full-blown absurdist self-indulgence. So basically what I'm asking you...

Can I take a gun to the post office? Should I slow down listening to the back catalog for my own health and well-being? Thanks. Wait, what was the sentence before health and well-being? Something upsetting. I don't remember. Yeah, Hammond and Hahn. No, I get that.

Do you guys ever get so weirdly locked in, like down a rabbit hole with some sort of piece of art that you just kind of can't pull yourself out of it? I had to stop watching fucking Star Trek The Next Generation because I was just starting to say long words too often. And I was like, Connor, you're not on the bridge.

Becoming a real book queer. I don't know, man. I don't think Tom's brain is the worst thing in the world. Tom is a beautiful genius. All that's going to happen to you if you listen to Tom for a long time is you'll be entertained. He doesn't have some sort of Queen of Diamonds kill the president effect.

I don't know. Maybe he'll have a catcher in the rye effect on this dude. I hope not. You want to say that more like a clown coming out of a jack-in-the-box? I don't know. Maybe I could. Yeah. I'm going to eat your bones.

I do find that Tom not only will teach you a lot more about the world, but more about yourself. And then I think that a lot of times you're a Rorschach test. The way you see what they want to see. Exactly. It's like however you interpret what Tom said tells me a lot about you. Yeah. You really do. You got tea leaf riff.

Yeah. People just look and they're like, yeah, there's something in there. If somebody go – because here's the thing. You can talk to Tom and you can do one of two things afterwards. You can go donate to charity or you can go build a bomb. Those are the two things you can do after talking to Tom. And if you told me you did either of those things, I'd go, yeah, that makes sense. Either of those things.

Yeah. Don't go too ham. Take a break from us. If you need to. Yeah. And get on that Patreon bonus content. $5 a month. Yeah, man.

You know what would be great is to do a Seinfeld intro where he's just doing the bit where he plugs his merch. That's so funny. That's so funny. Yeah, I'll be selling my who are these people mugs outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Yeah, I'll be selling my Who Are These People mugs outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the deal? My new book of witticisms available for your... If you look at the back of the T-shirt, it says she had man hands.

All right. Hey, guys. This is Ray from San Antonio. Hey. Hi, San Antonio. And I wanted to share a quick story of when I met Connor McFadden. Oh, no. These are never good.

No one has ever in history had a good I met Connor and story. Yeah, he gazed off into the distance for 30 seconds, then called my girlfriend a faggot and went to a taco truck alone. You're not even... I know, I go on the road with you. Oh, shit. I'm seeing the name of a club I had a bad weekend at. Oh, shit. I drove up to see him at the Velvet Room in Austin,

and the first thing I saw when I walked in was a tall, pasty white dude twitching in a corner. Who was he? It wasn't until a comic came off the stage and he was congratulating her on her set that I... See me? Very woke. Very woke guy. You're like, congratulations,

they let you speak. Oh my god. I'm really impressed with what an ally I am. Now that your set's over, if you could get me a gin and tonic. Man, whatever this is, I'm going to come off so unlikable. I heard him and realized, one, I don't know what Conor Spadden looks like. Two, that's Conor. And three, Conor is actually pretty nice.

And so I was thinking about that while listening to Snark Week and figured I would leave a nice voicemail because despite the shitbag branding that y'all have, I think you are... Well, I put a lot of work into that branding. I haven't let Tom finish a sentence

in three years so we can have that branding. Wait, here's another thing about... Go ahead and hit play. I was trying to... I set you up to cut me off, and then you... Okay. What about... We're actually teaming up because I was just like,

oh, I should let Tom finish the sentence. No, I was setting you up. No, he made eye contact with me to cut him off. Oh, okay. I got you. Got it. Whoa, dude, we're doing all kinds of pitcher shit here. Yeah.

Yeah, man. I'm talking dudes and hardworking dudes, and the work that you put into the show rivals that of, like, NPR shows or podcasts. In what area? The fact that Snark Week is going so well is impressive, and I'm amazed that you're able to pull it off, and I think you guys are great. So thanks for everything, and I love you guys are great. So thanks for everything and I love you, I guess. And listen to my podcast, The Permanent Waves Podcast.

It's a podcast all about Rush. That's it. Fuck everything and place your hope in the Lord. Okay. Thanks for calling me. First of all, no. Now I know why he's comparing you to NPR. Oh my God.

We're going to start an NPR show with Ramsey's dad called Wait, Wait, Don't Say That. I'm looking up your fucking podcast right now. I'm going to be a huge dick about it. How do you not call it Pod Sawyer? You idiot. It was Pod Sawyer. It was right there. And they got 2112 reviews on iTunes.

That was pretty good, Keith. I was going to say the afternoon news show on NPR hosted by my dad never considered anything. Whoa, fucking not. Here's the great bit. You know, not enough reviews to show. And to make it even better, the host of the show has stolen my iTunes review bit that I do for my podcast and says I am unbiased in saying this is the best podcast about Rush on the Internet. Man, here's what I really love is that if you look at the Also Subscribed to, the first one is another podcast about Rush.

You're the only person that subscribes to your podcast, so that's got to be you listening to Rushcast. Wouldn't it be great if you also host Rushcast? Hey, guys, I'm leading a double life. Two equally unsuccessful podcasters. How do you have a podcast about... If I had a podcast about Rush, I would call it Rush Hour 2. That would be the name of my podcast.

Oh, dude, Rush Hour is a much better name. Honestly, dude, thank you very much. Yeah, that's very sweet. That was very nice. I actually like Rush. That's how I plug shows, is I shit on him, and then people go, Connor's an asshole. I'm going to listen to it.

I'll show him. Yeah, the permanent waves on iTunes. Really stick it to the con man. Yeah, really show me what's what. Hey guys, we're all in my fucking bedroom now. So you may have noticed the last segment ended abruptly.

Here's what happened. We got into a huge fight. We got into a big fucking fight. We hugged it out. We got emotional. We shared some feelings. We came outside. Our new roommates showed up, Spenny and Max, and Spenny's lovely girlfriend something something. I don't know. Her name is...

I want to say Megan, but spelled bad. Feel free to talk into the mic. My name is Morgan. Morgan. And you know what? That's spelled really bad. My name is Morgan. Morgan. And you know what? That spelled really bad. It was so great. It turned into a little seven-man party, and we had a nice time out on the porch.

Yeah. If you want to know what Morgan looks like, picture what you think all the women in postal service music videos look like. Oh, shit. I had two great ones outside. I said, Morgan looks like Spock's sister, and Morgan looks like the woman from the Ikea instructions. All right.

We got to wrap this up. She has to get back to Zach Braff's basement. Well, yeah, she's got a long day of bowl shopping tomorrow for her haircut on Monday. Yeah, and Spenny, her lovely boyfriend, grunged Donny Osmond this year. People can't fucking see you guys. This means nothing. We're going to post a picture with the episode. Yeah, we'll figure it out.

This is for us, man. It's the end of Snark Week. Yeah, this is our SNL wrap-up. Guys, how has Snark Week affected you as our fucking roommates that have to suffer through us? Hand him that mic. Not at all. I've been high the whole time. Oh, yeah, us too.

Yeah, just grab that. You pass that. We'll interview a little bit. Yeah, just grab that. You pass that. We'll interview a little bit. Yeah, Max played Meanopoly with us. And by the way, the board is all references to our podcast.

He knows nothing about it. What's even funnier is he didn't even know how to play Monopoly. Still don't know how to play Monopoly. Yeah, good job, Tom. I did learn that Tom

takes it extremely seriously. I sure do. Only slightly troublesome. Did you guys fill people in on why Max replaced... Hang on, you should talk into the mic. Did you guys explain when Max showed up to replace Opie and I what happened? Or did they...

Well, yeah, so Ramsey killed a kid in the middle of Menop. Ramsey, no, Ramsey, yeah, we talked about Ramsey got super high and had to leave. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that was pretty legendary, dude. People are going to enjoy that. I don't know that story.

You were there. My Lyft driver, Ronnie, his car, I left my Lyft keys there. He came and dropped them off. I gave him $20, and then we got to know each other. So I'm actually glad it happened. Yeah. Without that failure of monopoly, you wouldn't have gotten common law married to a driver. And Ronnie's here tonight.

Come on in, Ronnie. Tell us all about your new MMA gym you're opening in Burbank. Worse than saying a joke and then being able to hear your hand hand the microphone back. I literally said a joke and I handed the mic back to Keith. I heard the wind from my hand. Yeah, you heard the wet like our hands transferring. Ramsey,

you're so funny when you're funny, but when you bomb and get out of it, it's spectacular. Man, that was a baton race to the bottom, my friend. Oh my god, that's great. I warned you that that shit's weapon grade's high and you're just like, I'm gonna keep smoking it. It's

weed. Take a hit. Here's how fucking Pass the battery joints. Yeah, here's how shitty we are. That's weed we got for free from another podcast. That's what fucking losers we are. It's like, hey, trust me with this free Luis Gomez weed. That's

not full of anything bad, I'm sure. Fuck it, I'll hit it. He rides a skateboard. I, trust him with his free Luis Gomez weed. That's not full of anything bad, I'm sure. Fuck it, I'll hit it. He rides a skateboard. I can trust him. He's a 38-year-old dad with a skateboard. He says the N-word for a living, and he gave us drugs that you guys can share. What a spectacular fucking plan. I just noticed something, which is that Tom was barefoot outside,

and then in Connor's room is now wearing socks and shoes. Oh, that's so funny. Max from Half Court Up Top. Swish. Very nice. Tom, here's the deal, Tom. You don't talk into the microphone. You've been coughing directly into it this entire time.

You literally were covering your mouth with one hand and coughing into into it this entire time. You literally were covering your mouth with one hand and coughing into the microphone with the other. That was the fire. You were coughing into it. Sorry. I don't know how I have you. What is happening? That's alcohol. Alcohol.

Wow. I didn't know Here's the Everyone's like Starquease holding together So great Last day you get A straight up fight And a relapse

You people got Your money's worth I'm not relapsed I'm just having a good time I know you just had a sick Wait are you quoting The Keith's mom episode We haven't recorded yet

She's like I can do nitrous. There's nothing to me about that. All right. We've got to close it out here. So thank you. Great to see you. This is going to be fun. We're going to hang out after this.

But on the count of three, let's all just give us a nice fuck everything. God is dead. And we'll celebrate. So one, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. Happy Star Week, everybody. I forgot we have another roommate that can hear us.

Oh, Devin. Thank you.