Mean Boys - EP 174 - Keith's Mom (feat. Nicole Becannon)

Episode Date: December 23, 2018

Thanks for an amazing year everybody. Get a Meanie for 20 bucks until Christmas Day: http://meanboyspodcast.com/merch/ Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Nicole Becannon on Twitter: twitter.com/nicolebecannon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Have yourself a Mean Boys little Christmas. Tom is fat and gay. It rhymes with everything. Holy shit, my mom is on the fucking show today.

Wow! What did you think you were contributing there, Tom? Instrumental! Basically what happened is we did a bad Christmas caroling And then R2D2 got shot by Jawas Yeah I was about to say Is there some sort of sentient car On fire driving away To go deal with that situation

I mean there's a better metaphor For what Tom is A sentient car I want because you do that sometimes And then I just want you to do ad-libs on rap songs, where it's just like, yeah, we get in this paper, and Tom goes, and he's like, no, I was doing Sheryl Crow, you couldn't tell? No, no one has ever been able to tell what you were trying to do when you make those sounds with your fucking mouth.

It's that horn that goes real high-pitched out of nowhere. Oh, gotcha, yeah. Classic that horn. Like from that family got cut away. The mobster trumpet kind of a thing. You know, that one. I don't know that one.

Anyway. This would have been a great time to go, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And just... You can also just not make that fucking noise

ever again. What a riveting start to the most anticipated episode of Mean Boys history. Well, that's what we do. You know, we give you a very

authentic experience on the show, which is something I'm proud of. We set the bar low. Which also means that sometimes it's very bad. I think we're all just exhausted. We are, but we did it. We went up to Fresno, California, because you guys all gave enough of a shit

to leave us all those iTunes reviews, and we interviewed Keith's mom. We'll do a little bit of housekeeping first. We'll talk about the show, and then we'll do a little bit of a Christmas talk, so it'll do a little bit of housekeeping first. We'll talk about the show, and then we'll do a little bit of a Christmas talk. So it'll be a little bit of a longer intro. But we're here to keep you company while you're wrapping your presents and avoiding your family. Yeah.

You know, because you can't spend all that time jacking off in your childhood bed. Yeah, there's only so much cum you can make in a place that makes you feel empty. Yeah. At a certain point, you've got to go listen to something while you pretend to know how to make a pie. You only get so much mileage out of your little sister's old Spice Girls posters before you got to put on a podcast and have a Gatorade. Yeah, just crimp a crust and listen to some slurs. That's what the Miki boys are here for.

So this was our 400 iTunes review goal. Tom, what's our 500 iTunes review goal? For 500 iTunes reviews, I will have one tasing on a live show. Yeah. Someone already sent us a pink taser to tase Tom with. Yeah, I have a taser. And there's also some pink pepper spray, which I don't know what we can, maybe if we get to 550, he might be flexible on that. I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the next goal. I want to say, when you announced that, it was during Snark Week, I believe we had 430 iTunes reviews. And already, after seven full episodes in two weeks, we're at 432. So, I mean, people really can't wait yeah yeah here's the it's like yeah that was like a great movie you're like i'm gonna raise the stakes it'll be all fun and exciting yeah and everyone was like oh he's gonna be fine like a taser like that's

gonna that's gonna do nothing that's like like the spanking rhino from spider-man really makes you think when the idea of you being electrocuted publicly is less titillating to people than just me having an hour-long conversation with my mother. Or me eating a basic food. Yeah. We had a lot of conversations. We're like, well, I'm going to unearth a lot of trauma. Tom's going to maybe have a heart attack. And Connor had to eat a broth he didn't care for.

I still have nightmares. Yeah. We both suffered tremendously. A cheddar broccoli chowder has moved the needle more than me being electrocuted on stage. I don't know what you want from me. So selfishly leave us a review because I just want to see

Tom get tased. Actually, I don't really but I mean, I want it to be over with. I very much want to see it. I do in the same way. You want to see a guy get eaten by the tiger at the Siegfried and Roy show, but I don't really want to be there when it happens. That's horrible. He's either going to go down like a hilarious bag of potatoes, or he's going to get all

bad episode of Cops, Meth Strong, and just start fighting people. Or I become infamous from that video game Infamous, where he has electrical powers. Or it becomes like a Crank 2 type situation, where you have to keep electrocuting yourself to stay alive. So Tom's like, all right, little nightcap before bed. And he's just like licking nine volts over and over again. Or or or you you find out that it makes you really hard. And then you got that going on.

Then I have to get tased the fuck. Oh, that would rule. That would be fucking great if that was the case. Anyway, this review comes to us from a series of fucking squiggly keyboard letters. These boys aren't mean at all. Five stars. Fantastic, he writes. Wow, thank you. You know what?

You don't have to get creative with them because a lot of times the creative ones really fall flat. Yeah, well, I'm going to write a nine-paragraph, I'm pretending to be Karnockery. Just write that the show's good. Yeah, you can do whatever you want to do. We appreciate your effort. Go write all the Karnock fan fiction you want. I like making making fun of the bad ones but also if it's sometimes it's just like hey yeah i listen to it at work people are like oh okay this might actually be something i could enjoy if you want to do a big goofy one do it for you but don't do it for us yeah uh yeah because

we won't be amused by the time we record this part of the show we're already pretty tired of being happy oh for sure we're supposed to be happy on this? Yeah. No, we're happy. I'm in a good mood, man. No, I know. I'm goofing. Yeah, I was too.

Go fuck with us over on Patreon. Man, shot way up during Snark Week. Thank you very much for all the support. Yeah, thank you to the new patrons. Yeah, the bonus episodes have been a lot better. We're going to have guests on those just about every week now, so it'll be fun. We had so many fucking great ones. We put on another one with Nicole Buchanan just to keep you guys company during the break after Snark Week.

But, yeah, those are all up there at this point. There are 74 bonus episodes. So, yeah, you got a whole bunch more Mean Boys if you want it for only $5 a month. And $10 a month, you get a little goodie in the mail. And if you get in there before the 31st when the card's charged, you're getting the goddamn Mark Molloy fridge magnet, which we already have in hand. Those are in my room right now. There's one on our fridge as we speak, and it looks fucking rad.

It looks dope. They're ready to go out, so those will be getting sent out fucking ASAP. Oh, yeah, and also we became successful fashion designers over the course of a couple weeks. You guys got so stoked on the meanies. Yeah, man. Thanks for getting that. I'm glad you guys dug those. Those are on sale on the merch page of our website that will be linked in the

show notes. They're $20 with shipping included until Christmas and after that it will be $23.50. So if you want to get the bargain of a century. You really need to save $3.50 but somehow still have an expendable $20 to give to us. Which sounds like a kind of financial sliver that our listening audience might occupy, to be honest with you. Send us a money order from the lonely Venn diagram where you live.

Yeah, as a podcast whose early corporate bonding retreats were mostly looking through the outside couch for quarters to buy a pack of cigarettes to share, then you might just have the 20. And if you didn't know the meetings were for sale because they went on sale about a week ago, you should follow us on social media, Twitter, Instagram, all that shit, so you can be the first to buy our dumb hats. That was a remarkable transition. I was about to say, Tom, that was buttery silk

with that fucking transition. You really lubed that fucker up and just slipped it right in. That was almost like I was, for the first first time working with a third professional broadcaster email the other day like handling some business stuff that we're working with and me and connor both at the same time we're like what a shockingly professional email it was perfect it was like being surprised i did feel bad too but i was just like i couldn't have worded this any better you know and i suck at business emails yeah same i would have written one that sounded way shittier, and then you were just like,

what did I put on my talking to Starburns monocle? You guys get that I enjoy being asinine on the show, right? Yeah. I know you're not dumb, but like, you know, fucking... I know you're not dumb, but you going through

the jumping through the hoops of society, anytime I see you do that, I'm like, oh, wow, it's striking. You usually don't. I've also read anything you've ever texted me or tweeted. So seeing that you capitalized things correctly and used all the letters you meant to was surprising. Listeners, I just want you guys to know that this is the excitement over me sending an email correctly.

That's a fair point. I mean, you guys to know that this is the excitement over me sending an email correctly. It's a fair point. I mean, you don't really. I mean, thank you, guys. You got to understand how funny it was for you to text me a series of orgel borgel. My R key on my iPhone 2 doesn't work and has it for six years. And then I check my email inbox and all of a sudden it's Johnny Q fucking presentable. Yeah. So, yeah, that was like

we did a stand-up show and Tom was there and a Mean Boys guy came out and we were talking to him and he's like, man, it's weird watching you do stand-up and like this guy's really smart when people don't interrupt him

every ten seconds. It's very good. But the record show, Tom is a very smart man. Yes, I do try to make that clear on top of also having the cake of calling you stupid all the time. That's your Christmas present. We're being nice to you for 30 seconds.

Oh, you guys didn't wrap it. Shut up, idiot. Tom is actually kind of smart. Yeah. Well, anyway, back to the Gaslight podcast. Oh, yeah. Actually, Gaslight is one of those words where people explain it to me. I still don't really understand what it means.

Okay, it's like when I just basically try and convince you that what really happened to you didn't happen to you. Oh, okay. Gotcha. Like what I did when I tried out my Ouija board and I actually felt it kind of move with a girl. And I was like, oh, it was a magnet. Yeah, it's like you basically convince somebody they're crazy for thinking that a thing went down the way they think it went down gotcha okay yeah i i'd give it would be like if we started all of a sudden telling tom tom we've

never called you stupid before and like he was just like no but you do a lot of evidence of my i don't know what you're talking about man we've always just talked about how intelligent and capable of sending emails you yeah what a stupid fucking idea that i've never called that i've ever called you how why the fuck would your dumb ass think that yeah speaking of stupid we also uh uh go to our youtube page and fucking subscribe to that we got a brand new video from a less good than the social media segue no i was good i was hey hey i like it i liked it too, too. I like fucking, I like Segway, Tom. Yeah, we have a new clip from behind the Patreon wall that we fucking put up on YouTube that is one of our all-time favorite moments, the Bruce Springsteen debacle. Check that out.

Oh, yes. Check our YouTube page. That was from when we were out in New York. That was one of our greatest, just everything kind of came together podcasting moments. Yeah. And Tom did a really great fucking. It's really funny. He made like an old school YouTube slideshow like you used to see. Yeah. I like moments. Yeah. And Tom did a really great fucking. It's really funny. He made like an old school YouTube slideshow like you used to see.

Yeah. I like those. Yeah. Me too. I don't know why people stopped doing them. I don't either. And I like that it's like the new ones, there's everything has like a, it's all cropped well and there's like little zooms and shit added.

And it's like, it doesn't need, it just, you got to cut to the first Google image result and that's kind of part of the fun of it. Yeah. Part of the charm of it is that it looks a little rough around the edges and tumbling. Yeah. I think you did a good job with it. No, I dug that a lot. So, yeah, the memes are out there, all that's going on.

And I know we had to postpone our tour to make a Netflix show, but next year we're going to be going out in the spring, probably March or April. We haven't figured it out exactly. Probably April. Yeah, probably April. So if you're out there in the world and you want to come see the Mean Boys in your town, go fill out that tour sheet. It's still in the fucking show notes.

It's still on our Twitter page. It's on the banner of the website. It's all over the place. So just if you haven't done that yet and you're like, man, I wish they'd come back to Pittsburgh. I didn't see him the first time. I didn't even fucking put my – I was listening when they did. Just go and fill it out and we'll know,

you know, where the people are and we'll come meet you which we fucking love doing. Yeah. It really is our favorite thing in the fucking world. It's made this year

my favorite year. Oh yeah, I mean, I do actually, this will segue into the, I think that's all the housekeeping

and then this will bring us into the episode and the other thing I wanted to talk about but yeah, fucking, worst year for Earth. Great for me.

I do keep feeling bad because everyone's like, fuck 2018. I'm like, this is professionally, personally, relationship-wise, the best year I've ever had. Oh, dude. Yeah. All I did was like, fuck and make people laugh and have a podcast that people like. I fell in love and then traveled around the country with my two best friends. Mean Boys was phenomenal. Everything else in my life was on fire.

But Mean Boys fucking really kept me sane. Yeah, man. I've had a different year than that. But this part of my life has been so much fun. It was so great fucking touring and meeting everybody. And it's like, I don't know, it's lame to say it, but it's because of you guys. And you guys, like, you know, we get the messages and I fucking, you know, it really means a lot. When you're like, man, I fucking hate being alive.

But I do like Tuesdays because you guys do the thing you do. And even like you. And yeah, that's I have that with other things. And the fact that I can be a part of that for somebody else is, again, the greatest honor of my entire life. And I'm Ventura's funniest person in 2016. So, I mean, like you guys who listen, you really, you created a really cool moment when we were sitting down to record this episode with my mom. By the way, I explained

the concept of a podcast about nine times to her, what we were going to be doing. We sit down with the microphones. I can't be sure that she doesn't think she was deposed. Her first sentence was, is this the radio? No, it's on the internet. She's like, right now? She has no idea but when i went

through the reddit thread and just showed her how many of you guys were like fans of her and fascinated by her she like it was the first time she's ever like registered verbally and like mentally i think that like oh people actually give a shit about what my weird fat son yells about yeah it's like it was that was cool for me to kind of see her be like oh you've fucking done something with your life shockingly she was genuinely more proud and impressed that like i've sold any of you mongoloids a hat than the fact that i was on oh yeah yeah i say that like shittily but also like sincerely i appreciate every one of you that has made that a thing i get to do with my life no dude and i mean like you know my parents were like look we want you to do what

makes you happy but i mean you know we worry that you're not going to be able to take care of yourself and like the fact that you know we get to you know go talk for an hour and that keeps you guys company and we get five bucks a month and it adds up it's like oh i am going to be able to have health insurance next year we don't take great care of ourselves but we're alive yeah no i mean like i i live at a college dorm room level of comfort but it's like dude it's all it's fucking I didn't have to sell out. Put on a name tag. It rules.

Yeah, man. I really just didn't want to have some sort of evil job where I work for some big faceless company that enslaves people that make cocoa beans for fucking promotional fucking whataballs with some sort of minion figurine inside of them. And I don't have to do that. I'm fucking lucky and it's because of you guys. So fucking thank you so much. And yeah, sitting down with Keith's mom, climactically, I mean, there's a few things a little bricklaying we gotta do.

Here's the deal. We fuck around on this show a lot and we say a lot of things that could be construed as racist. We always say them from a place of we're fucking around, we're joking joking my mom says some stuff that is a little less in jest on this episode yeah because i mean when we talk about stuff it's like and like i don't know i do feel conflicted about it and something i'm you know i'm trying to be better about but it's like it always comes from it is never a place of i don't like mexicans it's always i enjoy this

convenient pun that happens to relate. 100%. Which is probably just lazy joke writing, and I shouldn't do it. Yeah, and you could have a million conversations about whether that's cool or problematic or whatever. But I know we do it, and it's very important. I mean, just because my mom, you know, you guys have heard the stories about my mom. A lot of it is fun, you know, meth shenanigans and falling down hills drunk or whatever. Oh, yeah.

She's not a character. She's real, and we find out very quickly she's a real person and you hear a lot of a good chunk of real uh hate speech ass opinions yeah uh during a portion of this the following is 80 minutes of a real life conversation with a racist woman that keith is related to you know and you know here's the thing i my mom i think at her heart is a good person i don't agree with the things she said before anybody gets up my dick i didn't fight her on these things not because i agree And, you know, here's the thing. My mom, I think at her heart, is a good person. I don't agree with the things she said. Before anybody gets up my dick, I didn't fight her on these things, not because I agree with them, but because ultimately that's not the show I feel like any of you wanted to hear. Yeah. It's not the show I wanted to do.

Yeah. And, you know, I kind of had the same thought where I was like, I was like hearing her talk about this shit. And I was like, well, yeah, we fucking stole mech like this. All the place you're living was mexico yeah you know there's a million fresno the place she's living still is pretty much mexico yeah i mean there's a million things like that that i wanted to bring up and i was just like this and it was like it's like you guys have had such a fucking rocky relationship it's like if you're if you gotta let let it go to just like have your mom in your life and this is you know

and for this is for better for worse there's a mom you got exactly and i do love my mom and this is you know i you see a lot of people talking about especially like the trump era of like okay are you morally obligated to like fight your problematic relatives or your racist relatives and for me it's like i'm not gonna convince her and i think i look at it this way i got her to stop you know saying faggots are gonna go to hell so much by just being a good son. Now, if you could just be a little more Mexican. Oh, you don't think I'm going to start growing out a real shitty mustache? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just like, orale, you can't prove it. And you're like, wow, it turns out salt does go well with desserts. Yeah, but it's a rare, we rarely disclaimer stuff on this show, but it was, it was, it set up. It's pretty aggressive. Here's what it is. That's, I guess, what it is. It set up enough it's pretty aggressive that's i guess what it is it set up enough good riffs later that we couldn't cut it out well and it's also like i guess you just wanted to sort of have it be honest like i don't know like you guys wanted a raw interview with his mother it's like yeah she's a racist lady in fresno yeah my one thing i would genuinely ask

you guys whether if you're upset about it by all means complain to us complain to me please don't track my mom down on social media and give her shit it's just gonna make her life the harder then you're gonna hear from this she doesn't need any more fucking problems yeah like let's yeah that's that's all i ask please keep our families out of it but if you're upset about any of it we apologize yeah i think mexico is a-okay yeah i i love mexico and mexicans yeah mexico honestly us fighting with her it would have just turned into every conversation you've ever had with that it would have been nothing and it gets really entertaining and really interesting and here's the thing yeah my last word on it i don't know exactly what progress looks like but i know what it doesn't look like

is three white dudes yelling at a woman in an RV. Even if we're right, we automatically become wrong at that point. Yeah, for sure. So I don't know. You get again. My whole thing with this shit is like, look, if I'm just sincere and earnest, then I think I'm pretty lucky. And we're all pretty lucky to have a good group of listeners like this. Like whatever the thrust of where your heart is at will be apparent.

And it will you'll understand. Like I saw people talking like we had some patreon bonus episode i was talking to robin and i really do try to keep my pronoun game pretty tight and i'm pretty good about it but i i sort of was recalling a memory i was like was it i was thinking about that back when i knew him you know when he was a guy and that was good and i just fucked it all and i missed a few and they're like oh that was disappointing like hey i get it i i goofed like i not going to go edit it out and like, let me take that her from 3829 and put it in 3814. And it's tricky, too, because you lose context sometimes because, you know, people who listen to the show, like, we love you guys, but you only get the chunk of relationships that we've recorded and given to you. Versus I have 30 years of context with my mother.

We have, you know, almost a decade of context with Robin. Yeah. Where it's like, it's cool to do you know, almost a decade of context with Robin. Yeah. Where it's like, not that it's cool to do those things, but it's like, we understand those things, so Robin's not going to jump on those because she gets it's weird that we knew her as Robert, and now we know her as Robin. Yeah, and you just kind of, you know, you fumble or you fucking, you in the moment try to reach for something, you know, funny to say, and that's the only one you got, and you just really want to get the laugh, or whatever it is, so. This is our long way of saying this episode was really worth all those

itunes reviews yeah yeah and what you paid for everybody you know we did i also did want to disclaim we did not tell her the dog story yeah it's sorry you know if it makes you feel any better there's a whole new sexual escapade that comes up in this one that i did not see coming yeah no there's i won't spoil it, but the dog story... Oh, I thought that was a Nazi joke. What's up? Oh. No, that's the...

I'm not going to ruin it, but yeah. I don't remember. Oh, well, yeah, you do. We just talked about it. Anyway, the dog story doesn't come up, but you're going to get plenty of goods. Again, because it's like, let's not drive all the way up to Fresno

and get in a fight and be disowned by the woman that you've... Yeah, can I tell you the story that she didn't get a chance to tell on the show, though? Oh, please. She has two giant dogs, and last time I was over there, they were just aggressively fucking each other. And I was talking to her before you guys showed up, and she's like, yeah, me and Glenn. That's her husband. We went over and we bought overalls, and then we bought a kit, and then we looked up a YouTube video on how to get your dog pregnant.

Because, like, I guess the one dog is too old and can't find her pussy so my mom and her husband harvested one dog's cum with a turkey baster and then swapped it up into uh the other dog oh my god yeah they had to wear overalls apparently that's how much cum was involved yeah jesus christ she wants to give me one of the puppies yeah so there you go tom's gonna get an abomination yeah yeah with the process you described i I spent all day driving around Southern California trying to find

a sock slider to help my old fucking grandparents put socks on and you're just, they basically got a sock slider for a dog dick.

You know, like, hey, here's your sock slider. Exactly, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Also, one last thing, thank you, Nicole Buchanan

is also on this episode. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I feel bad. I love Nicole. Yeah, you know, we all do. last thing uh thank you nicole buchanan is also on this episode oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh sorry i feel bad i love nicole yeah you know we all do it was it was a overwhelming uh in a good way podcast and uh yeah she she she was on it she's great so yeah um i was thinking so so hard about like just remember to say that you like mexicans so that people don't hear the following interview and become perturbed. Yeah, this is almost like we're doing a Chris Hardwick after show, but before the show.

Yeah. Talking mom. Yeah. Talking mom, yeah. So that's Keith's mom shit. I did want to say, because I've been getting a lot of messages from you guys, and we do have a, I would say we have one of the more depressed fan bases in podcasting. What a terrible honor.

Yeah, one of the most mentally unwell listenerships, which I take great pride in. Because you've got to be a good podcaster if you're getting through to the sad people. Look at it this way. I get sad. You think fucking Pod Save America is going to get me out of the hole? Go fuck yourself, Johns. We get a lot of emails and messages from people who are like, man, I was at the end of my rope, and Mean Boys helped me hold on.

I genuinely appreciate those more than anything in the world. You know what message we never get? Man, everything was going great and the Mean Boys made it a little better. No one really loves this show until they love nothing else. Yeah, yeah. It's never like I was at the beach. I was with my girlfriend and our beautiful dog having a great time in the ride home. I felt cherry on top, the fudge lord.

It's always like, well, I was huffing paint, and I had just sold my last tooth. And now I find an old Boost mobile phone, SIM card still in it, and what pops up on the Apple podcast, but they're mean boys. I read Adam Todd Brown talk about the government in 2009, something or other. And anyway, yeah. Cambo. Gamble. Gamble. But, yeah, so if you're having a shitty Christmas, and I've gotten a few messages from people who are having shitty Christmases. So I just want – I thought we'd talk about our shittiest Christmas.

Let's do it, man. You know, Keith, you had a fun one. This ties into your mom as well. Yeah. We got into a little bit, but here's the full version. I thought the abridged version, but one year when I was living in long beach it was a laundromat a couple days before christmas and i found a cat in a box a little orange kitten and i brought it home and it felt like a real fun christmassy thing my mom named it noel uh that cat turned out to be the

worst cat that's ever existed it was just relentlessly just scratching me and just shitting while it was walking like just mobile shit it was like it was dropping napalm on Charlie. Like it was a fucking situation. And I remember this culminated on Christmas. My grandma, who my grandma is like a real Martha Stewart book club, just everything's fine, please don't make me have an opinion kind of ass woman. And she's there and she's dealing with the fucking. Your best skill is uh dismissively describing

normal people there's so many different flavors of normal person and the way that you the disdain that drips out of your fucking mouth uh when you evoke their essence is wonderful i resent anybody that i can figure out in two references and an adjective yeah like souvenir glass people yeah she's but she's there and fucking that she's dealing with just the booze soaked nightmare that is my house on Christmas I'm fighting with my mom my mom was fighting with my brothers I get in my

bed to like angrily go to bed I'm 16 and my leg just slides through a wheelbarrow full of cat shit the cat has crawled under my blanket to take a shit like it was a mafia assassin leaving a message for somebody to put my cousin in the movies. It got so bad that I literally sat up

covered in poop. My grandma's like, hey, calm down. And I went, fuck you, grandma. And then she never spoke of that night again. And that culminated in my mom grabbing the cat, opening the window and throwing the cat through the window.

Oh no. Like a small football. Oh no. Frankly, that cat deserves death. I hope it landed in a punji pit full of AIDS. Frankly, that cat deserves death. I hope it landed in a pungy pit full of AIDS. The fact that she put the spiral on the cat was impressive, but unnecessary. Yes, that was mine. Tom, you got a pretty great gift one year.

Oh, yeah. I know I'm Byron Allening you, but I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Tom. So, Tom, I heard. Welcome to Christmas Comics Unwrapped. Unwrapped. Comics Unwrapped.

I thought this was pretty funny. Welcome to Christmas Comics Unwrapped. Unwrapped. Comics Unwrapped. I thought this was pretty funny. It's like a couple days before Christmas. I was like, where are you headed to? I'm like, I'm going to go get some coffee, do some writing. I'm going to go to the library, pick up this Nietzsche book. She was like, oh, which one? Whatever one it was. I go to the coffee shop.

I go to the library. they're all out of the Nietzsche books so I was like okay and then on Christmas I opened a gift to my mom and she just went to the library got all of those Nietzsche books wrapped them and gifted them to me and then I had to return them in a week

and that was but if you're looking for like if you're a depressing one Is when I was younger There was one There was one time We're all getting ready To open up our

Our We opened one gift On Christmas Eve And we're all sitting down And my My dad gets a phone call He goes to another room He comes back

And he goes Grandpa's dead And I was just like And like the same way Like pizza's here like and my legit reaction is like i thought they were both dead already he goes what and i was like no the the third one the one that because i only met him once oh okay wait for a second i was doing the math wrong and i was like wait does tom have gay grandpa no That's exactly what I was going to say. No, no, no, no, no, no. And then, so, like, my dad's super bummed out.

The next day after, you know, we do the Christmas shit, I go in the garage. He's just, like, kind of, like, bummed out. I'm like, hey, are you okay? You miss grandpa? He's like, well, I missed the chance to know him. And that was, that was. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Prison. Hey, but look at you now dude i know yeah now it's zero

grandpas no worry no worry on the 25th yeah but every time a grandpa dies you absorb a little bit of their power yeah no strings you know what i mean yeah fucking straight up i i got i like you like oh the old ball and chain your grandpa you could blow town tonight no one's gonna hit you up be like where can i mail a check for 13 dollars no nothing yeah yeah you fuck yeah you never have to taste a piece of hard candy to be polite ever again oh i love hard candy okay well you can eat it because you want it yeah yeah yeah but yeah there's there's there's a depressing one for you sad boys out there yeah all right girls And girls. Ladies. I posted a picture of this on Instagram.

You can go look at it if you want because it's a funny picture. But I had a hilariously shitty Christmas in 2012. All right, it was the year I started doing stand-up. This is the year we started hanging out. This is the year we met. Yeah, we became friends. We kind of sort of lived together because I was dating this girl. And so just sort of the broad strokes of this uh fucking thing is like i get i get sort i start doing comedy i suck at it but i love it and i basically neglect everything else in life

before that i'd had like a very kind of goody two-shoes ass like i'm just gonna do what you're supposed to do go get your your degree and you know you just you hang out with your high school sweetheart you know go fucking do that whole thing and i was like i'm ready i'll just have a normal life in the suburbs like i want to make my family. I don't want them to have to worry about me because I kind of think it might be fun to talk about my dick on stage. And then one day I got frustrated.

I just started doing it. The high school sweetheart dumped me and I fucking went out there and I got on stage and I sucked, but it was exhilarating. And I poured my whole life into it and basically fucked everything up. I got in this horrible

relationship with this lady that keith knows very well that i was sort of like i couldn't it was one of these things where every time i tried to break up with her she threatened to kill herself so i'm like stuck there because i'm like nah she's i don't want this lady to die but i also would like to do anything else but unfortunately i guess somebody who got it could have gotten a cooler uh roommate out of. Should have maybe let that one roll. Yeah. Yeah. So fucking.

Yeah, that's that's going on. And we both get this flesh hitting disease. We're covered in these like gigantic. You keep some of these big boils, you know, that are just filled with pus. And they're about the size of a golf ball. But maybe not as it's not sticking out of your body that much. But you'd have to get you'd have to basically poke it with a thumbtack and then milk all of the fucking chunky cum out of it so that you didn't like rot away internally so carter turned into the zombies from planet terror yeah so i was like

like all of like november december i'm just doing like ghetto civil war medicine with this woman i hate in this shitty apartment in torrance and i i would like i'd have to go spend the night with her because if i didn't spend the night with her she'd go insane and i would drive back to ross and chino the next day i was getting like four hours of sleep a night i spent like i had like 1900 i saved up work make eight dollars an hour at a time at ross you know and i blew all of that just like buying her food and spending gas to go to open mics. So I'm fucking penniless. I crashed my car. I got mono.

So I was completely weak and my throat was all infected from the mono and the MRSA. So there's like fucking pussy boils in my throat. I can barely breathe. I can really not eat anything. Like it was like yogurt and like maybe like applesauce like shit like that so i i'm six four i weighed like 160 pounds i'm like just wasting away i crashed my car because i'm like trying to drive while i basically have like a fucking scarlet fever from the fucking secret garden flu and uh yeah i lose the job at ross uh and i have like everyone's like so connor was doing so well

and then he decided he wanted to be a clown and now he is uh homeless except he's white and has a nice family yeah you know and uh yeah i mean there's a picture of me and i'm this me in the hospital bed on christmas eve and i'm uh i'm having steroids pumped into my body to try to reopen my neck so I can get air in there to eat more applesauce and shit grainy. Open the sauce tube. Yeah, shit grainy, bloody shits. And wheeze my way through another hellish 24 hours. Yeah. And I like that.

I look at it all the time because life can and uh can get better and it can improve and you meet new people and you uh you take on new enterprises and you fucking you figure out what works for you and what doesn't and how to avoid things that have happened in the past so if you're having a terrible christmas i've been there and uh it can uh it can all change uh six years later is the first time uh i've been able to get my family something nice for christmas i know it always been some real shitty. The thought that counts type of thing. And I finally have to pretend it's still charming that a 23 year old is making popsicle stick greeting cards.

I'm glad we stayed friends after that fucking that Christmas where you almost died. I know me and Keith almost broke up. It was dark. So anyway, I just I just wanted to talk about that because I thought, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really like to be too sincere or whatever on the show because it's boring. But I think around Christmas time, that may be someone that might make you feel a little better. Yeah, man. I'm sorry you and that girl broke up.

It's really sad. I know, man. We could have had so many great Frankenstein table centerpieces at our sad wedding. She would have made some great bonus episodes. Here's what I love about this. That was genuinely a pretty beautiful, sincere sentiment that you just shared. And then it's going to segue into a death grip song. And my mom saying why we should build the wall.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking about that driving around. I wanted to talk about that. Yeah, no. I'm glad you did, man. Yeah. Is that it?

I think that's it. I think that's everything, man. You guys, if I could thank you for an amazing 2018. Thanks for a wonderful year. Yeah. We will be back with more dumb bullshit very, very soon. All right. And now over the holidays, wonder, will Bender remember that he said he wanted to do the

podcast next year? Make sure you tweet him about it. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, do that. That'd be good. All right. Here's Keith's mom. I probably shouldn't chew my candy, huh?

I mean, I think people appreciate the ambiance of the candy. They're having a more authentic conversation with you. Oh, okay. We actually just started recording, and let's just get right into it. We're finally doing it. We're here in an RV with Keith Carey's mother. I can't believe it, guys. This is a fifth wheel.

A fifth wheel. I've already misgendered the RV. Speaking of fifth wheels, Nicole Buchanan is also joining us for this. I was about to make that joke, but... I figured. You got it. I've never seen somebody who looks more consistently drunk than you. And acts. Well, I'm fidgeting with my...

Okay, there we go. My sunglasses were caught in my hair, and they make everything look red, and it's pretty cool. Everything looks like death. Well, on that note, Mom, yeah, thank you for finally doing this. Okay, no problem. It was so

It feels like you came to Keith's big swim meet and it's like, alright, I saw your dive. Is it already done now? Yeah, it was pretty great. I've explained to you several times what a podcast is. I tried to show you how to download it. And then as soon as we put the microphone in front of you, you're like, I don't know what that is. And are we on the internet right now?

But that's not a real microphone. It's like fraud to be on the computer. That's not a real microphone. But this is not a real microphone, right? That microphone is the closest thing I have to a job right now. I mean, it doesn't look like a microphone. I don't know what that means. Do you need to go? No, I'm good. I mean, it doesn't look like a microphone. I don't know what that means.

Do you need to go? No, I'm good. Somebody's at the front door. Did you get a headache? How did you know? Did you psychically sense that? Could somebody go answer it for me? Yeah.

I will. Yeah, sure. Go this way. Man, all right. Around through the gate. Do you want? Okay, so this is exactly what we want it to be because we're a minute in. It's already very confusing. Nicole's probably about to be

murdered by some sort of roving band. I feel like she's going to look through your peephole and it's like, why are the Joker's goons in front of her? There's three more Toms at the door. Here's one of the problems. One of them. Well, yeah.

I mean, there's always more than one. You know that I have a restraining order against problems. Okay. One of them. Okay. Well, yeah. I mean, there's always more than one. You know that I have a restraining order against someone. Oh. Oh. Yeah. I didn't know that. I did assume that. Yeah.

And so, yeah. You've got a neck tattoo. It comes with it. Oh, yeah. Like, they just have you show it out. And she really hates me. Yeah. But like the neck tattoo, she doesn't realize that people who have these don't care.

Yeah. I don't care. But she knows where I live now. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I'm not. Man.

I want her to feel free to come here and come in my house. Because that's when the stand your ground law. Yeah. Really gets juicy. Who is it? Nobody. Oh, yeah. She's on the roof. I guess I. I mean, that's kind of...

She's on the roof. I guess I'm kind of... They could use this again. Try and talk into the microphone. Yeah, I mean, if something happens, we'll just cut that part out. Well, I mean,

all they can really... All they can narrow down is there's a fifth wheel in Fresno somewhere. And I feel like there might be a lot of them, so I think you probably... It's a real

I am Spartacus moment for the white trash community. We lived in this for a while. Oh, yeah? Oh it it's actually pretty nice i fucking love it there's a teeny tiny bathtub in the bathroom for me to take a teeny tiny bath in like some sort of small bird this was my dream when i lived on the streets yeah it was my dream was to live on the streets but in a bigger car no No, I didn't have a car. No, I know. I was there. I could only get $300 together to get a broken down trailer and I'd just park it and that would be it.

That would be the shit. Yeah, you find a nice chill street with no sweeping and you just post up until the next thing comes around. And I got this and a house. Yeah. I would totally live in this place. I know. It's nice, right? Yeah. We can't even make fun of it. Yeah. I would totally live in this place. I know. It's nice, right?

Yeah. Yeah, we can't even make fun of it. It is a thousand times nicer than where any of us live. Yeah. It's got about four times the square footage of Tom's room. Tom lives on the floor of our kitchen. Yeah. The oven works, which is a lot more than we've got going on.

You don't have an oven? What's up? You don't have an oven? We have an decorative oven. You see our broken oven out there? You can snap that door right back on. Okay. You can take that door right back on. Okay. You can take that with you.

I mean, here's what I'm not going to do is tie an oven to the back of the car like a Dukes of Hazzard safe heist. It might make a good space heater. I don't want to put you off, but your son's gone very SoCal, and we're all driving Priuses, so I don't think they're going to make it down the grapevine with a full oven in them. I was going to say that you just said the oven could be a space heater. That's the Sylvia Plath school of home decoration. Yeah, yeah. Do you know the whole back story about why we're doing this interview?

Has Keith kind of told you about it? I told you a little. Yeah, he told me a little. Yeah, because, I mean, you know, really where it started is when we started doing Mean Boys back in the day, it was like we mostly just do jokes and it's like written stuff. And, you know, Connor would tell stories about, you know, building model airplanes with his boring father. And then like. And then we needed something compelling to happen.

So then Keith would be like, I see that. And I raise you buka de pepo. Well, yeah, everyone would tell these like stories and be like, yeah, that reminds me of the time I was a kid and I got shot at at a punk show jumping the fence. No, it's nothing like that. It's nothing like when I told you, get down and stay down on the floor of the truck. I was like, put your head down. Yeah, like you're trying to sneak into the drive-in. Yeah, no, we were trying to sneak out and not get shot.

Yeah. Yeah, we're trying to sneak out of the gates of hell. And there was like a bullet hole through my jacket later, right? Yeah. Man, that face you just made is great because you just realized you lied to me 12 years ago sometimes i don't remember no i know yeah yeah and i appreciate you leaning into it so you know key starts telling these stories and then we start we start you know joking about and you become kind of a character on the show and just we talk about you're like just this crazy

like paul bunyan life you've led but i'm'm this small. You're so tiny, and yet I've never been more afraid of a person. You know what I'm saying? And you captured imaginations literally around the globe. I mean, we sent out like, you know, these beanies that we made, and they're going to fucking Australia and New Zealand and Germany. So, I mean, people everywhere have been giving a shit about this. We said, okay, if we get 400 iTunes reviews, we'll try to go and get Keith's mom on the air.

And it happened in like three weeks. It was like, it doubled, you know? And people just were so excited because they're fascinated by this fucking mythos

around you. Yeah. With this in perspective, we've had people from Oscar-nominated movies and Jeff Ross has been on the show. No one really cared that much.

When we said we were going to Fresno to interview you, the internet exploded. That's because Fresno's super cool. I don't know if that's it. There's not a lot of Fresno aficionados. But it is so funny just seeing weird foreign people. I was very excited.

Just like, why did Keith's mother marry a Nazi? Oh, but I'm not married to him anymore. No, I know. But he's afraid of me, too. And he should be. No, but I'm not married to him anymore. No, I know. But he's afraid of me, too. If Nazis are afraid of you, what are you, Russia? That's amazing. My mom is exactly as intimidating as the invasion at Normandy. He's really scared of me, yeah.

I will say, when I went to do a show with Keith, and he was like, oh, you're going to meet my mom. She's going to be there. I've never been more terrified to meet anyone in my life. I was genuinely excited. I was jealous Nicole got to meet you before I did. Oh, and you quickly became one of my favorite people in the entire universe. Well, yeah, because as I've mentioned on the show before, she brought a firearm to the

cheesecake factory. And that's where I think we should start. That's a fun little intro story. The first thing, I should have brought it with me to the trailer. I mean, what do you... It's so cute. It's really tiny. You like guns, right?

I mean, I've held them before. I am not allowed to... Well, okay, a lot of allegedly... We're really not allowed to. Have you been 5150s? Is that why? A bunch. And 52, and yeah.

I didn't know they had a 52. But a new code? That's a two week. Yeah. Because I actually have a master's degree. 3150 is when they feed you Baskin Robbins. You're going to be crazy. 50 days in a row. 6950 is when she gets weird and is like,

what? No, 31150. That's Norwich County. Well, we ran some tests And Amber is still The color of your energy Yeah Keep working on it

So is this Stalker related Did you think Maybe she called The cheesecake She knows you like The cheesecake factory She calls all of them

Is there a reservation For Kelly No I just I always carry it with me She just casually mentioned it As the waiter Walked up to the table And I've never seen a man

More frantically give us bread. Here's my bread. Here's my wallet. Please don't hurt me. I drink a lot of water. I like a quick refill. Don't worry about that tip. You had placed it on the table and been like, how's this going to go down, Gerald?

I think the mac and cheese is free. What do you think? She's going to fit in perfectly on this podcast because I also remember us being at the Cheesecake Factory and then bringing us bread and you asking for more butter and your mom just immediately going Yeah. There's a reason I'm able to just get called fat fucking

90 times a week for $600 a month. It's because I was really trained from a young age. Oh, but, you know, I would open the fridge, and then around the corner would be your hand, and just grab a stick of butter. You're not fucking drinking. No, just like that.

Yeah, he was like the Babadook for peanut butter. Carrie drinks Carrie over here. Yeah, yeah. And then I'd turn around, and then I'd close it, and then you would be standing there eating the stick of butter with no pants on. Look, I call a stick of butter the gentleman's popsicle. Wait, when was this? When we lived in Seattle.

You didn't want to wear pants. No, like last week. Well, I don't remember being nude and eating a stick of butter, but it seems like something I do. My sisters did that, but they turned out skinny. Now, you've had, if I may say, a lot of husbands, and this was when you were married to Winnie the Pooh, so pants were frowned upon in the home. We had about 56 people send in questions for this, at least, and that's just the ones that we've kept track of for this.

We've got some good ones. I think a fun one to start might be, could you rank your husbands? In terms of what? In terms of just overall best. You know, like if you're making a Sports Illustrated, my ex-husbands. Yeah, this is the Westminster Dog Show for... Oh, my ex-husbands?

Yeah. Yeah, and then we assume your current husband's at the top, obviously. Yeah. And he ties into the Buco Di Beppo story. Oh, yeah. I forgot. And so that's kind of interesting. Sort of.

Yeah. We can start with Buca di Peppo. Well, but the best one was probably Ricky. Okay, yeah. Because he was the most entertaining. That was the pro skater. Oh, yes, yeah. And he was always trying to make like a soundproof room.

Like you never knew a two-story dog. Nothing sketchy going there. I mean, sound. Have I ever told you the best Ricky story of when he was just naked in the bathtub with the helmet on? Oh, yeah, with the helmet on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was all tweaked out, and he's just like, I'm Evel Knievel now. And I'm like, well, this is a normal thing that you see when you're six.

And things really haven't changed. So this was meth? Yeah. Yeah. No, no, that's just good timey fun. We could have a whole subcategory, best meth husbands. You weren't home when he fell off the roof. Probably not.

Okay, so this requires a little setup. Do you remember when you guys, because around this time we were living in a trailer park and I was like five, six years old, and you guys thought it was so funny to just scare the shit out of me. Oh, yeah. No, I do remember that. You had a whole running bit where you would pretend you were vampires and that you were going to kill me in my sleep. That was a thing. Wasn't that

fun? Yeah, it was great. Whenever someone asks me, because I'm like, you know, people think of us as a unit, you know, so whenever someone asks me, like, why does Keith do that? And I'm like, listen to any story he tells. This episode is really called Keith Justifies His Twitch. And you had the

scarecrow that you put outside the window but i thought that was fun yeah i'm sure you did you were on meth but there was one night i remember ricky was on the roof of the house he was like walking around and he was like making monster noises like above my room he's like and i you know i knew it was him but i was still scared because i was a little kid and then i remember remember just hearing, brr, brr. And I look out the window and I just see... I can see him eat shit. And he just quietly comes in and goes to the other room. Hey, I'm Bam Margera

and this is Santa Claus. Yeah, kind of like that, but way before then. Yeah. Way before then. And he was, yeah, so he wasn't that bad because... No, he was a fun guy. Because he didn't cheat on me with guys. Oh, okay. Or like.

Well, did that happen? Oh, we'll get to this one. I'm afraid that my boyfriend's going to leave me for a man, to be honest. I'm not sure what this fetish is called when you seek people out that are missing appendages. Stop mumbling. Well, yeah, he didn't do that either. Yeah, it's amputee fetish. Yeah.

So I was kind of, okay, in general, it was just that we almost killed each other. Yeah. Literally with a gun. Wait, I don't know this story. Yeah, when I went to get Topper at the very end, he had just pants on. He had, Topper's at a, he's in treatment right now again and but he just had pants on he had a gun in one hand a bottle of Jack Jack Dan no Kessler in the other okay and he was like I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill

the baby I'm gonna kill myself and then he threw the guy because you gotta have a truck if that's if you live you leave him. He doesn't do that. He says he's going to do it. No follow through that guy. I know. And then he- And by the way, I just want to remind everyone, this is the best husband. Yeah, and then he went and climbed in a tree and that's where he was found several days later. I forgot about that.

Wow. It went from fucking Charles like charles manson to greenpeace protest so quickly yeah he's like well i'm not gonna kill a kid so instead i'll be georgia the jungle yeah so that that was um that was another thing what were we talking about we were ranking ex-husbands so he's one who's two the second best well i was married one time to someone i didn't have a kid with yeah Yeah, I always forget about that guy. And it was really weird. Because it was after I was...

Well, that one, you lost the receipt. There was no... Wasn't there something where you ended up running out of a moving car through a cornfield or something? No, he did. He jumped out of a moving car through a cornfield, and I just went home and spent all... Maxed out his credit cards and moved away. Oh, I love that. Because in Washington, you can just get a divorce like that.

Wow. If you rob somebody, it's like you win Monopoly in real life. Like what Texas has with taxes, they have with divorce. No, it was so easy. It was great. But he was horrible, too. But I guess he wasn't really that bad. Yeah.

No, I didn't like him because he wore suspenders on his pants, and he made me iron his shirts, and, like, all the hangers had to go a certain way. Oh, man. Here's how I know that you are... That's like a very Seinfeld problem for, like, a meth cornfield breakup, you know? Here's how I know that you are my mother, is that having to iron a shirt ranks as slightly worse than having a gun pulled on your infant. No, I didn't like him at all.

So he was not me. Second. All right. So that guy's that guy's towards the bottom. I guess it might be Brian. That Nazi. Yeah. The Nazi.

I don't think he's really a Nazi because he's part like Native American. And then you. Yeah, but he's also part swastika tattoo. So I don't know. I know, but that's so bullshit, the Nazi. I don't think he's really a Nazi because he's part Native American. Yeah, but he's also part swastika tattoo. I know, but that's so bullshit, you know? You're just doing a divinan, you think? In prison. Yeah. I was actually thinking about that in the car.

I thought you were going to be like, I was in prison. I was thinking about getting a swastika tattoo. No, I was thinking about if I was in prison, I'm a bitch. And it's like, if I can't just isolate myself, I'd probably have to be a Nazi. Like, that's just where you got to go. I know you got to join a race gang if you're in prison. But you don't have to. Well, it seems like it's a good idea.

I don't want to be a Nazi. And I really don't think the black guys are going to be super thrilled about me. I'm going to see what the Asians are up to. I don't know what they do. You know, I assume they play Chinese checkers and have secrets. I'll just do that. They are, because I worked in a strip club in Little Saigon, and it was scary as fuck. Yeah, I met a lot of reformed Asian gangsters being booters.

Oh, I believe that. They're fucking nuts. Yeah, they're really scary. They scare me more than anybody else. Oh, shit. Yeah. Except for Mexicans. Well, here's what's amazing.

You just answered our next question. A lot of people wanted to know, what's your least favorite race? Mexicans. Oh, my God. There it is. Oh, should I tell her when I get to the car? Nicole, what possibly could you want to add to this? Puerto Ricans, too.

You're not the only one. You're a Mexican, too. No. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Everybody. Okay, you got to hear this story okay so for my my friend's 21st birthday in college we're gonna hire a male stripper and we called this place to get the stripper and they had the website

and you pick out the stripper and they had this special deal that was like 99 for a half an hour and they're like do you know which stripper you want? And we picked one. And they go, well, that one's not going to be $99 because black guys are premium. And we were like, so what can we get for the special deal for the $99? And they go, any of the Latinos. We're talking Guatemalan, Honduran, Guam maybe. I don't know. That is so funny. Yeah, I mean.

Yeah, I don't like them. Gotcha. All right. Yeah, I don't like them. Gotcha. All right. Yeah, it's not... Yeah, I don't like them. I'm pro-wall. I'm pro, like, don't want you here. I mean, it's not like I don't like tacos.

Let's not get ridiculous. Holy fucking shit. In fact, I'm making Mexican food tonight for dinner. But the thing is... Yeah, I think I'm a pest. Well for dinner but the thing is they come here and they steal the black man's jobs because all the jobs I can say this because I have black friends

I told you all the time I'm just going to tell you right now because all those things like being the house cleaner and being the maid being a stripper all those things the being the house cleaner and being the maid and then what's that other thing? Being a stripper. Yeah, being all those things. The black people used to do that. And then the Mexicans came and got them out of a job and so now they have to be unwell.

This is your opinion to be pro-black people, not anti-Mexican. No, I'm anti-Mexican because they come here and they fly their flies. I'm desperately like, hey, there's an off-ramp over here. No, because I don't understand. We don't write things in like Icelandic or Gaelic, but we do write them in Mexican. And I don't expect to go to one of those countries and see things in English. Well, you do because they do write shit in English. Yeah, they do because we have all the money.

And I didn't write these things in French in school because I wasn't going to have them speak that dirty language. Okay, hang on. So two things number one now that we've already opened this can was i should point out that yesterday i had to tell my mom three different times you can't call asian people orientals anymore during the same trip to michael's crafts just to like let everyone in fucking internet know what i'm doing or do i wanted do you have any of the oriental googly eyes i'm working on a collage here Here's what happened. I wanted to learn Spanish so bad in high school because that seemed practical to me on account

of me living in Southern California. Which is in America. Right, but you know what's not in America? It's France. No, but where did I take you? France. And so that was a good thing. Yeah, how much French did we speak there? None. None. Not at all. No, most of my translating was Mama S. El Moyo Drunko.

That was a lot of it. Well, Mom drank a whole bottle of wine, so I guess we're not going to the Louvre today. No, but I mean, I just... That was our experience in Paris. We went to Euro Disney. You got the spans. I watched that Daft Punk video. Yeah.

Like, that was really the beginning of it. Keith only learned one sentence, and it was, can I have a baguette? I'm very cold. Oh, my God. All right. Well, that's probably, that'll conclude our race segment. Filipinos, get into it. All right.

So those are your one and two husbands, and this is number five you're on right now? Yes. Okay. But he should have been before. Yeah, he was number one. Yeah, we're assuming he's the best. Yeah, number one is... Look, I really hope so,

because I can't get another wacky text from you about a different place you got married. No, because the other husband that was really shitty, besides the Nazi, who's not really a Nazi, but the other guy was the last one I had, and he was just a piece of shit. Oh, that guy sucked. Yeah.

Is he below cornfield or tied, or how do you figure? Well, he's pretty horrible. Yeah, well, he's the one who kicked me. I don't know if I've ever told this story on the show before. So when I was living with my mom, I was like... Oh, you hate him, too. That's right. You did like him.

Oh, I hated him forever. But yeah, I lived with you guys for a little bit, and I was like 19, and I needed to move out. I was being a slob. I was just taking up space on the couch. I get that. Because he didn't have his own room, because why would he? But yeah, no.

Ever. I was good enough for 18 years. Why start now? You did have your own room. I had my own room for a little bit. And then when you moved out... Yeah, I had my own room sometimes, and then sometimes I lived in a closet. We really went all over the place.

We're going to level out at not great. We're just checking the overall air quality on the weather report of my childhood. We're going, you know, poor. We're going orange alert, and that's generous. Yeah, it was sunny Tuesday. Well, it rained knives the rest of the week, so I wouldn't call it. Bring your umbrella. But I remember me and him got in some fight, and he was like, you've got to move out. You're freeloading. I was like, you're freeloading. knives the rest of the week so i wouldn't call i'd bring your umbrella but yeah no but i remember

like me and him got in some fight and he was like you got to move out you're freeloading i was like you're freeloading my mom met you at a homeless shelter and then brought you here to a home that i lived in first and we got in this fight and i swear i got and we can we can bleep this out but i have to say how it happened yeah he just looks at me he goes you're being a wong and i just went hey i'm not and then i stormed out and i hadn't processed it i just knew i was mad at him and i got like a mile down the road just walking down the street like what am i gonna do where am i gonna live and then i was like did he just call me the n-word why and then yeah yeah so yeah and then it really escalated from there so but he had but see like

i really hated him but the best part was that right before I left him, he had a heart attack. Wow. That is perfect timing. And then my mom quietly put a voodoo doll back in her jungle drawer. It was awesome. That's like if you ended the last song of the show and then all the lights go out in the building. That's perfect. It was so awesome.

And when he had the heart attack, they called me and they're like, and he died and we brought him back. And we just want to let you know where he is so you can come and see him. And I was like, uh-huh. Well, I'm at work. So no. I like that those people who don't know the rest of the story are just like, yeah, that one call I made still fucking haunts me. Yeah, you ruined someone's life. You turned into Ivan Drago.

Just if he dies, he dies. Alright, so that's the husband rankings. Do you ever catch Keith jerking off? Short Puss Murphy wants to know. No, but it's funny that you say that because in that same apartment that we lived in, when I went to Mexico, even though I don't like Mexicans, they

do sell crack there. Yeah. You gotta give it to them. They really know their way around fajitas and crack.. Yeah. So when I took... You got to give it to them. They really know their way around fajitas and crack. And fireworks. So when my... When Ricky,

the skater, got in a car accident when he was on pills with Topper and Topper's legs got burnt, we went to Mexico when Ricky was in jail. But you had to stay home

and I didn't catch you jacking off, but the neighbors did. Oh, no! Don't you remember? No. You used to stay home, and I didn't catch you jacking off, but the neighbors did. Oh, no! Don't you remember? No. You used to tell the story. I don't remember the story.

Oh, no. No, because you're thinking of a different story. A different time? You were in Hawaii. Oh. It was when you were in Hawaii. Not when I was buying crack. No.

What's the drug in Hawaii? What do they got? I didn't buy any drugs in Hawaii. Oh, okay. You just put a macadamia What do they got? I didn't buy any drugs in Hawaii. Oh, okay. You just put a macadamia in a crack stack. I didn't buy any drugs in Hawaii.

But I've never caught Keith doing any of that. No, yeah. So here's this story. So it was like a second story apartment in Buena Park and they were gone

and it was just primetime jack time. Oh, yeah. I was going for it. Like that, you know, you've talked about this on stage before with one of your stories

but like that sprawled out just full naked like I'm gonna explore my dumb like 19 year old body. Like home alone jack off. Like, you know, you've talked about this on stage before with one of your stories, but like that sprawled out just full naked. Yeah. I'm going to explore my dumb, like, 19-year-old body. Like Home Alone jack-off. Yeah. And I'm jerking off, and I just hear, like, weird muttering outside.

And I'm like, that's weird. And then all of a sudden I realize, wait, what happened? And I look over. We had floor-to-ceiling windows in this apartment. The curtains were open for the first time, like, ever. Oh. And I look, and there's not a person across the way. There's a family dinner. And they're just looking at me, and I go, fucking Beretta!

And I just roll onto the ground. I army crawl to close the blinds. I hear somebody go, thank you! Damn, I got to see fucking Cirque du Soleil for free. Yeah, man. And I'm not being discredited. They could see me crawling around leaving a trail on the carpet.

Absolutely, yeah, yeah. That was such a dirty, nasty apartment. That was the worst. That's where they came to kill that guy. And that's where you called the cops on me. Have we told the... We've told the murder gloves story on the show before, right?

I don't think so. You told it on David Taylor's podcast, famously. Okay, so yeah. So my mom, at one point, she was dating a guy who was a different homeless guy she had brought home. And he was real into crack and gambling. But the relationship wasn't going well

between the two of them, so she went out with Nazi stepdad to go have a couple drinks or whatever. They come back and she is at the gate with the Nazi stepdad and this guy who is well known as a guy who murders people. That's like his deal. The homeless guy?

No, no, no, a different guy. He's like Murder Dave or whatever. Yeah, like what Larry had. Like a hitman or just like? Yeah, like a light Aryan nation. Gotcha. What Larry has to mattresses, this guy has to murder. Yeah.

You're killing me, Murder Dave. And I'm like yelling down with you trying to communicate. And basically what you're intoning to me is that he's going to come upstairs and murder – what the fuck is his name? That guy. Yeah. We'll bleep names. But the crackhead. Oh, okay.

And I see this happening. Well, I sure wish you wouldn't. And then I see this old Mexican lady who lives in the apartment complex walking towards the gate like she's going to have to go outside. And I'm like, lady, don't open the gate. And she's like, no, I don't know. See, Mexicans, no good. Well, they worked out for you, lady. But she opens the gate and I see the murder Nazi just start walking up the stairs.

And he's doing the two scariest things. Number one, he's not running. He's very calmly walking, saying, I'm going to kill that guy. And number two, he is putting on black leather gloves. Yeah. He's putting on fucking OJ Isoton. That is haunting. And I'm just like, shit, shit, shit.

And I got a fat guy out running knots. Like he's the white power boulder from Indiana Jones. I slide into the, I Kramer it into our apartment. I lock the door, and he's pounding on it. I have to call the cops. They're dealing with it. And the whole time the crackhead is just like, hey man, thanks for getting me out of that. I really appreciate it, brother. I knew you were on my side.

I'm like, I don't like you either. Here's what I don't want to do. I don't want to clean crackhead blood off the wall and I don't want that fucking Nazi to kill you and then be like, oh, well the fat kid saw it so now I gotta fucking choke him out. Yeah. I'm gonna take what little air he has left. Well, I was about to say, if he's going to kill you, he's probably not going to go choking.

That's like making a turkey, choking you. It takes all day. What do you mean? Did you put me on a treadmill for eight minutes? Yeah, dude, that is fucking terrifying. So someone wants to know, what's the biggest haul you ever made one night from a strip club? I'm kind of interested, because you worked at a few different places in OC. Keith told me about the library, right but i worked in seattle that's where okay i first

worked and that was where i made the most money right was you ruined my life one day by the way as a kid because uh that song uh like every time i touch myself that one oh yeah and you were like that was my stripper song and i'm like yeah but you used to come with me there. I don't remember. I was four. Oh, he doesn't remember. You remember the shitting in the sink, though, right? Oh, I shit in the sink at Sugar's one time. Oh, yeah, but that.

Yeah, but yeah. You shit in the sink at the place that we live because the toilet didn't work and I put a bag in it to line it. Look, I've shit in a lot of sinks, okay? I've lived a lot. Wow. In fact, the sink in that one place fell off the wall. I made. A little bit of Alabama drain roll.

Hang on. I just want to be clear. I didn't shit so much in a sink that it fell off the wall. Yeah, I was about to say that would be... If I didn't know about that and I just found out, that would have been like Christmas morning for me. You shit a sink off the wall? Your dumps are better than drywall?

You motherfucker. That's amazing. I made enough to pay my rent and get really drunk. Do you want to tell the story about career day? Oh, that was a good one. Yeah, this one is pretty great. It's really sad, too, because then

that teacher ended up taking you home because I forgot to come and pick you up for a really long time, and you went on a trip with her. Yeah, no, it was a couple weeks. Yeah, and he lived with his teacher. can I tell you what the only memory I have of that is what is like just walking around she had like a really nice apartment and like hearing like her and her like husband or whatever like having this very concerned like what do we do with this kid his mom never showed up and I'm just who's Michael Bolton

remember they had a Michael Bolton CD and I thought he looked like a fucking dork but anyway career day oh career CD and I thought he looked like a fucking dork. But anyway, career day. Oh, career day? Yeah. I thought you were going to tell the story. No, no, I was telling you to tell it. Oh, well, you had to write an essay. That's what I'm talking about. He had to write an essay and everybody had to write essays about what their parents did for a living.

And he was like, this is a picture of my mom. And I was drawn a very large, much larger. Well, I was little on account of being a child and all. Yeah. And his fingers at that time couldn't get the fine detail. Of my string bikini going up my ass and me dancing without a top on. And she serves beer all night long. She dances all night long.

I love my mom. Because I used to cruise through the house in my costumes and stuff and he'd be like, oh, going to work? And I'd be like, yep, going to work. I'm imagining that you're in like a stripper thing, but you also got a briefcase. Full of drugs and guns.

And then that is what used to happen afterwards because I used to take the gun at the end of me and Ricky. I would take the gun in the Ford Fair Lane, and then I would take the distributor cap off because he was always trying to steal my car when I'd get to the place. I did not know that part. And we would do that, yeah.

That was funny. That's a nice hustle. The roommates are hiding candy from each other because they want the last piece, and you're like, let's take that distributor cap because I know when 4.30 rolls around, he gets real steely. Yeah, because he was always trying to steal my car. But it was a cool car.

But I also got this really good haul where this retarded guy. Can you say retarded? You can on this show. I mean, yeah, it's our word. Go for it. Actually, I'm going to ask my Mexican friends. No, call them stupid. Actually, I'm going to ask my Mexican friends. Nah, call them stupid. Yeah, I know.

So this retarded guy gave me all his credit cards. Whoa. And he never used them. And so I just kept going. I think that's when I got my Sega. Yeah, it was. This was back in the day when they had like Circuit City and stuff like that. And I bought everything like a stereo, you know, like they don't have those anymore.

And I bought like a stereo. I'm just picturing the guy looking at the bill. Mom, it says I paid $9,000 at Circus City. I didn't go to the circus. Where's the elephant? Well, wait, he lived on his own. Okay. Wait, did you live with me?

Where were you? I mean, you got a lot that you have to ask. It's 12 years ago. Do you know where your with me? Where were you? I mean, you gotta love that you have to ask. It's 12 years ago. Do you know where your child is? No, I met this dude. Oh yeah, because here's the thing. I remember a t-shirt tucked in his sweatpants very vividly. Because here's the thing. That's the uniform. He was not borderline

retarded. No, he was totally retarded, but he lived on his own in like a Section 8 apartment. But then he decided that he wanted to live with us in Costa Mesa, which was really weird because he pushed a shopping cart all the way from Anaheim to Costa Mesa to my apartment. And I don't know how he knew that I lived there. That's a long way. Yeah, I think that's also a plot to Arrested Development, actually. No, but that's a real thing that happened.

And he showed up and he's like, and I'm like, hey, Mike, you can't live here any at all. And he was like, I don't have anywhere to live, Kelly. And so I was like, okay, well, we have bunk beds. And so he would be the bunk bed on the top of our bunk beds when Brian wasn't in there kicking dope. And so I lived with you. I'm your son. You had to kick a dope when he showed up. The indignity of having to kick heroin in a bunk bed.

Like you're kicking dope and up top, like somebody's smoking oregano out of an apple for the first time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was horrible. Now that I think about it, that was probably not. And I got investigated for welfare fraud then and everything. God, I can't believe that the county never took my kids away. It gives me a lot less faith in the county.

You know what? Here's the best part. The bitch who I have a restraining order again is a fucking county social worker. For DCFS. And she sends me naked pictures of herself, like all this bullshit. And all I want to do is fuck her life up. And if I

ever get really desperate, because see, you know I'm crazy, right? 5150. But see, I know not what to say because I'm also a fucking therapist. I have an MFT. I have a master's degree in this. The call's coming from inside the house, everybody. You've got to figure it out.

This is my mother, a Batman villain, everybody. So the thing is, if I ever go really crazy, oh, I just can't wait. I mean, I guess it's more of a when, right? At this point, now that we've discussed four years. Not hide the car and stash the gun crazy. No, but I have a ghost. Oh, the ones you get off the 3D print them. No, we make them.

Oh, yeah, you make them. What? You get like the plans for them and then you make them at home. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm aware of these. But they're not illegal. They're not, no.

First of all, I bet they are. Second of all. No, they're not. Are you starting a cult? What are you doing? Keith, have you ever known your mother to be ignorant of the law? No. No, but you know what would be really great is if shit goes down, we're going to Dave's

because I think that would be a good compound. Our buddy Dave Abkarian, comedian of note, who is in no way aware of this play. That's the Dave? My mom's plan is outrun the law to eight miles down the road and displace a husky Armenian plumber looking man. I think we took four turns to get here. Man, man. Yeah. I had a real, like, you can take the meth out of the lady, but you can't take the lady out of the meth.

You know what I mean. Like, kind of situation, because our buddy Dave lives on, like, this compound full of, like, old antiques. Oh, it's great. I love it. Like, cool junk and, like, old farm equipment. It's like a junk farm. My mom was like, can I just take this? I was like, no. She's like, ask Dave. I'm like, I'm going to ask my friend

if you can steal his stuff. She's like, I'm just going to take it though. No one's watching it. That doesn't mean it's yours, you toddler. It's not on display. That stuff should be in a museum. For trash? You're picking up an old Schwinn Stingray covered in like rust.

Yeah, you should be in a museum. You should be in a maximum security prison, but sometimes shit doesn't work out. Yeah, you should be sharing a cell with a Riddler, but thankfully we're doing a podcast in an RV. Oh, man. This bitch that you have a restraining order against, is that the one?

So I was, and I think you deleted it because I tried to find it today, but for a while I was very obsessed with your instagram uh because i thought it was very fun to watch your the the things that you posted was that what that was that the person that all those posts were about oh yeah yeah if i could you give an example of like one of the posts like they were very there was all like weird like you were talking about it outside. We had these specific threats as memes. Well, I know one of them was about people with neck tattoos. Right.

Just don't give a fuck. Then it was a picture of me in my AR. I remember that. Yeah, yeah. You know, it was just that sort of thing. That was you on the cover of the Bikini Kill Best Of compilation. Well, because the thing is that she calls me up one time. Well, she tries to call my husband.

She calls me up because he's his ex-girlfriend. And she calls me up and she tells me what piece of shit tattoos I have. And I can't believe you have a tattoo. You have such a piece of shit tattoo. And I'm like, wait a second, wait a second. You have tattoos. And she's like, but not on my neck. And I'm like, wait.

I wouldn't be fucking with somebody who has tattoos on their neck. That wouldn't be like my first go-to. You got a dolphin on your knee? You think that's hard? What is the tattoo of your neck? Well, this is a bear but it's covering up another neck tattoo.

And the tattoo in the back of my neck is covering up another neck tattoo. You got four tattoos on one neck. And you weigh like 14 pounds. You don't have a lot of real estate. You're four tattoos on one neck. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and only two places. And you weigh like 14 pounds. Yeah. You don't have a lot of real estate. You're building vertically on your neck.

No, so it's weird, right? It's the Manhattan of neck tattoos. Yeah, yeah. It's just strange, you know? So I don't know why she does that. I feel like I need to send a video that I have of her to her boss and to all of the county of Los Angeles. What's the video?

Oh, yeah, tell us. Yeah, we should know. Well, she's naked. Yeah. Why is she sending these naked photos to you? Because she hates me, and she loves my husband. And she wants you to be like,

look how bad I am. Is that kind of the idea? And she's a fat Mexican. That's the best. That's the clincher. She's a fat Mexican, but that's not why I don't like Mexicans. First of all,

the politically correct nomenclature is Gordita. And second, I think we may have cracked the whole I'm not a fan of Mexicans thing. Yeah, I do want to get to this one. Someone wants to know why you didn't circumcise Keith. My guess is that in cost extra. Because what? I was guessing because it may be a cost extra and you're like, oh, fuck that. Oh, no.

Because I had Keith so long ago it was all included. no i didn't even pay to have keith i just showed up and had him and then i declared medical bankruptcy when i was 20 so you had like some sort of like medical anchor baby basically yeah well no yeah i i just it was so weird too the guy who delivered keith oh i won't tell this weirdly it was a dominoes guy. No, it's really bad. I'm not going to say this one. Okay, you don't have to. Is it bad for Keith? Wait, no, I remember this story.

Don't tell it? Yeah, up to you. Just tell the story. Well, it was super weird because he gets down there to deliver Keith and he's like, I remember you. It's because I gave you an abortion. And I'm like, at better times, right? Yeah.

And he's like, oh, this one worked out. Yeah. Wow, that's a real... Did you have a tattoo or did you just go, I know those lips anywhere? Well, I don't know how he knew, but I guess I was memorable. That's a real sunshine at the end of the tunnel story.

You're nothing if not memorable. I call my mom's vagina the tunnel, bro. Now I meant that? So here's the thing. I didn't circumcise Keith because, well, I didn't know how to do it at that point. Well, you know what happened last time you gave that guy a baby and a knife? Yeah, because Google, you couldn't Google that shit back then. Did he start doing the other procedure?

He was like, all right, let's just get the gas. He was like, oh, no, it's delivery. Oh, in that case. I thought it was a DiGiorno. A DiGiorno, yeah. Well, they did have the vacuum. I mean, Keith did not want to come out. He was two and a half weeks late.

He was humongous. The dogs found a Mexican. Sorry. And he, well, I don't want to tell it because it's kind of sweet. I was kind of worried. I was worried. I don't want to say anything because it's kind of sweet. I was kind of worried. I don't want to say anything nice. We've had too many nice things on this show. Yeah, it's been all thrown at you.

I was worried he would die. I want to read more pages out of the Turner Diaries and talk about felonies I want to commit. I was worried about that he would die because he was really in distress. And they were like, afterwards, they're like, oh, you almost died. You guys almost died. And I'm like, thanks for not telling me while I was almost dying. Yeah. Well, what were you going to do about it?

Like die less? Yeah, I was in labor for 36 hours. They pulled him out with the forceps, which are not like salad tongs. I repeat, are not like salad tongs. They are like giant shovels. Yeah, Keith would never go near a salad tong. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

They're not like salad tongs. And he was all squished. His head was all bloody and he was like all gimpy on one side. And I felt like if I circumcised him that he would die. And I didn't want him to die. That was my Achilles dick. Yeah. That's an amazing reasoning.

I just assumed you guys were like, I don't care. No, because your dad wasn't around or anything. Your dad was working on his business, you know, selling the mushrooms. Right. And that's when he showed up and named him. Keith said he walked into the hospital with a skateboard and a bag of mushrooms and named him Keith Richards. Yeah, pretty much. So that one didn't get distorted at all.

That one was right down the middle. I found this out today. He was going to be named Elliot? Yes, after Elliot Ness. Yeah, down the middle. I found this out today. He was going to be named Elliot? Yes. After Elliot Ness. Yeah, from the Untouchables. Oh, okay. That's what he was going to be named.

Do you have a fair... Is it okay if I call you Mrs. Elliot, then? You can. Missy Elliot? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mrs. Elliot. You know how a mother has the same last name as their kid's first name.

Yeah. That's not even your first name. Shut up, Tommy. You can call me whatever you want, Tom. Call her the tunnel, please. A lot of people want to know if you have a favorite embarrassing... Like, if Keith brings a girlfriend to meet you, is there a favorite embarrassing story you have about him as a kid?

Go ahead. Which one are you talking about? No, I just mean any of them. No, just people are curious if there's any... I don't like to do that. Because any girl he brings home, it's like, yes, and he might have a chance. No, here's the thing. I like this new one.

There was no way, but I thought she seemed like the kind of gal who might want to see some pictures. So I showed some pictures of him in his overalls. But I don't want to tell anything that's going to make him not have a chance. Now, Keith has a girlfriend. He also was blessed with a giant cock. so he's doing fine with the ladies. I don't know if you knew that or not. If you could give me the doctor's name. You could have cut a lot more than the tip off.

Yeah, you could have taken the head and your boy would still be in good shape. There's always one good embarrassing story about me here, though. This is what we do here. I don't know. If you can't think of one. This is what we do here. I don't know. If you can't think of one, we can come back to it. I don't know. I guess, you know, I can't think. I mean, we already covered butter popsicles.

He ate a stick of butter. I mean, one time we were in a restaurant, you know, and I look over at him, and he's eating a gravy with a spoon, like soup, out of a bowl. There are a lot of food-related ones. I did a lot of batch field. Did he ever get into anything besides food? Did he dress up as a ninja turtle at 17? I wore the Spaceman outfit.

Oh, yeah. You used to wear the General Boy outfit all the time. What is the General Boy? That sounds like a terrible cleaning supply. Well, apparently. What did you use for this bathroom? General Boy? It's fucking... There's Spaceman everywhere. The 99 Cent Store's third greatest cleaning supply. Well, apparently. What did you use for this bathroom, General Boy? It's fucking,

there's a 99 cent store's third greatest cleaning product. You know what, that's funny, because we were at Chicken's House at Chicken's Pool and they were skating

which is kind of a famous pool if you're a skater. Oh, is that the one from the Circle Jerks cover, the group sex cover? Well, it's actually the one from

the Johnny Knoxville video that they filmed there with the smut peddlers that my son is in, my other son, a drug addict. Fuck shit up. But you were there. It was before he was born.

And you were wearing that outfit. And you got poo on your hand. How? And you came out. And you were like, I have poo finger. And they were like, let us help you. And you were like, no, don't worry. I know what to do.

Because you'd had it before. Yeah. You had it a lot. Because pooing in the sink can be messy. Right, yeah. I had to poo a lot. Look, I had to take a lot of unorthodox dumps. I don't understand the problem, though. You're right by the sink.

There's no way. I was a little kid, man. I thought I needed to declare the problem. Yeah, you don't know. His arms are short. Yeah, you don't want to mess it up. He couldn't do that. His arms were too short to wipe his face.

His ass was too juicy, and His arms were too short to wipe his face. His ass was too juicy and his arms were too short. It was like watching Brad Williams try to jack off. He's a midget friend of us. A little fella. Yeah. Kind of related to the concert thing. You saw some pretty crazy. What's up, Glenn?

The good husband. Yeah, the good husband has made a brief guest appearance. Bye, honey. And now he's off to go lead a gang of marauders in the Walking Dead universe. No, he's not. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. Go to a meeting.

We're sober. I know. And I just want to say sincerely, congratulations. That's awesome. I do want to double check based on what we talked about earlier. When you say meeting, do you mean rally? Have you seen any great concerts? A lot of people want to know,

did you ever run into Kurt Cobain up in Seattle? What's your favorite old punk show you got to go to? Because we're big punk fans. Some of our fans are big funk punk fans. Is there anyone that sticks out? Funk pants. What pretends? Funk pants.

I was cooking at George Benson's house. Yeah, funk punk. It's those weird Bad Brains albums at the end of the world. I can't really. You know, it's really hard to tell. It was funny. It was funny because you bought me tickets to go see the Misfits last year for that big reunion tour. And I remember you just being like, yeah, last time I bought tickets to see the Misfits, they were like eight bucks.

And I bought them from the same guy I bought Speed for. It's really funny to me because even by the time I moved to California and everybody was like still listening to the Misfits. Like that was like old The Miz. That was old for me. I was over that. I never ran into Kurt Cobain, but Andrew Wood I knew and he died right around the corner from Mother Love Bone.

And then the people, all the people that came through those groups and became Pearl Jam. I saw Pearl Jam at Little Club. You told me you met El Duce, the guy who probably killed Kurt Cobain. I didn't meet El Duce. El Duce was friends with your dad and the Refusers. And so whenever they were in town, if you don't know who El Duce is.

Oh, no, I know. I've seen many documentaries. Tom's a huge Nirvana fan. I love Nirvana, yeah. Oh, okay. You look so disappointed. Okay, but he would come over and hang out at our house. Oh, and Gigi Allen, and then he died.

Yeah. So I don't have a very good effect on him. He had poop finger more than a few times, too. I got poo the rest of it. But that's how I met Ricky, because Gigi Allen was going to be there at the record store where they used to babysit you. Yeah, at Underdog. Yeah, that was really cool. Yeah.

I had a pretty cool childhood when it wasn't terrifying. See, it was like half and half. Yeah. It was balanced. Yeah, I mean. I'm also a Buddhist, too. Yeah. Because I was saying.

Join us. Yeah. I also have a certificate in yoga teaching. Oh, okay. If you want to know, I can teach you yoga. Yeah, you got like a master's in like therapy or whatever. Then you're like, yeah, fuck it. I'm going to learn how to do yoga.

And I was like, you've never done yoga in your life. Well, it's like you're, like, a business in, like, a Korean strip mall where it's, like, acupuncture, you know, yoga, and dry cleaning. It's a lot of different operations. She's the Kay Bakery of self-help. My buddy Ryan wanted to know how you picked your major in college. What made you want to go into therapy? Oh, what made me want to go?

I don't know. I don't know. I have like a degree in business. You have a lot of degrees. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm old. You're not even that old. You're really not.

And you study quick on meth. People forget. It's like if you've got to learn French in a week. Totally. Like when I went to get my master's, I'm like, how long does it take? They're like, it takes like three years, maybe a little more sometimes. And I go, how short can it take? And they go, well, we don't recommend it, especially if you're working full time.

But you can do it in two years. And I go, that's what I want. And I did it in 18 months. Holy shit. And I wrote my thesis. That was like as long as you were in labor with Keith. Yeah. In a car where you were shooting guns?

Yeah, we were shooting guns. I just brought it with me in the desert. You write like Hunter S. Thompson. You got to get in the zone, you know? Yeah, you wrote a thesis the way most people write a manifesto. Yeah. Oh, I wrote that too. Yeah, was the thesis about federal buildings?

What was the thesis about? No, but I was on federal probation, too, because I did have a federal charge. Wait, what did you have a federal charge for? Getting arrested at the VA. Oh, the vagina. Oh, the Veterans Administration. Who, funny story, then ended up paying my salary later on. Weird, right?

That is some weird fucking full circle shit. What's the test at the VA for? Can you talk about it? Being unloaded and crazy at the VA. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, and that's like a federal building, so the charges go up. You can't get in trouble at like a national park or anything like that because if you do, then you go on federal probation. Holy shit.

A buddy of mine had poop finger at Yellowstone and it got way out of hand. Oh, that's why they named Mount Poopfinger. Yeah, yeah. But I went into psychology because I kept hanging out with homeless people. I think that was it. I didn't really want to. And then I wanted to leave that motherfucker that i was that last one that i was married to so that's why i got my master's i was like if i get my master's they'll

give me a promotion at work and yeah you wanted to kind of glow up and be like you know i'm done with this let's fucking move on in life kind of thing yeah so i left and no and you did work in recovery with people was that like did you were you into that was that like do you feel like that was rewarding? Yeah, I got an Apple Compute. And I got one of the big laptops. And I had my own laptop. Yeah, it was awesome. I didn't have a phone bill for two years. I feel like this is less than the motivational speech some people might have been asking for. It wasn't rewarding?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Did a lot of people die? Yeah. Yeah. You you know did some of my clients um do suicide by cop sure you see this is never mind you totally see where he gets his fucking where we all get our sense of humor because that's the kind of shit we laugh at and people get bad at us but it's like it's happening in a vacuum dude like he's fucking around enjoy yeah and then like i took made scottish go with me to one person's funeral.

And we got there really early because it was kind of a shitty funeral because I thought it was going to happen. No snacks? Do we want to remember this guy positively? There were no snacks. No Kiwi bag. I'm just talking about how I need Don Carlos to come to my funeral. They said 10 o'clock and I thought 10, 10, 15 will be out of there. And it was like 10 o'clock and I thought 10, 10, 15 will be out of there. And it was like 10 o'clock and at noon it started. And so we had to sit through these grieving and blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know. And everybody just going up and looking at her and blah,

blah, blah. And somebody who hung themselves is not a pretty thing. Cause apparently you, when you do that, like with a rope and not like this weird thing, like Kate Spade did around the door or whatever, when you like do it, like, and you're off the ground yeah um apparently your hands like

go up here and they just naturally it's like a reflex yeah and then you rip all your fucking um nails off like trying to yeah it's gross yeah it's pretty gross oh my god yeah that's fucking brutal was it at least funny that the dead guy looked bored? Like, come on, I'm trying to choke myself listening to this shit,

Karen, come on. Yeah, it was, it was bad. It was bad. Well, on a lighter note,

what's the most comfortable motorcycle to ride bitch on? I mean, I feel like you might have some opinions. Our 2017 Road Glide, I guess, because it's got

the Milwaukee 8 in it. Damn, Road Glide, that sounds nice. Do you got the Milwaukee 8 in it. Damn Road Glide. That sounds nice. Do you want to get on it? We have a whole bunch. I'm probably all right. Oh, I'd love to. Are you kidding?

Do you ride a bike? No, but I've always wanted to. Oh, um, you should come to the desert with us next time we go shooting. Oh, I'm super down. Yeah. And because we have motorbikes and stuff. We have dirt bikes, and you can learn on a dirt bike. And we have this little team.

I've been on dirt bikes. I've ridden dirt bikes. Oh, then you can. It's the same thing. Yeah, yeah. Except for that one's really big. It's really big, dude. Okay.

Glenn is really strong. Now, this is another thing. This is another pretty fun. Not that you're not. Oh, no, no, no. I'm an experienced. Topic I want to bring up is Keith's told me about some of the home improvement shit you're doing in the drug days and the tree houses and everything.

Is there any of those that stand out that that was your favorite like when you just built the classroom in that one room for no reason well the one the one thing that really stands out is when we're trying to build the soundproof room yeah yeah and we would go pick up trash right and um what's for the black gloves guy to use you know we wanted the soundproof room so that we could have a band and it could play in there. Yeah, I remember this plan. And it was so weird because we were putting like, you know, it's weird because it was like dog poop involved in this. Oh, because we would put the dogs in there sometimes. Yeah.

And they would poop and then he would just put it in the walls. Like he was building like an adobe house of dog shit? No, my ex-husband. Oh, okay. A lot of feces in the family. No, don't be ridiculous. Like he was building Like a adobe house Of dog shit No No My ex-husband Oh okay A lot of feces In the family No don't be ridiculous

An adult did that Yeah I mean A guy who was In his 30s Had to I'm not trying to get Poop fingered Did he have like

A special spatula That he like Laid his poop out with You know like a Like a trowel When the moon Hits you Yeah yeah

Have a rectal mason Yeah And then it just Kept getting smaller And smaller Oh it was really funny trowel when the moon hits you. Yeah, yeah. I'm a rectal mason. Yeah. And then it just kept getting smaller and smaller. Oh, it was really funny when the Nazi pooped in the children's potty, too. That was really funny. Oh, like a training potty? Yeah. Fuck, a Nazi shit in a little fucking pink training potty that rocks.

Did you make a wish after? I forgot. And this dude is giant, dude. He's like, what, 6'5"? Dude, that's some Hitler easy bake oven shit. Well, I think Hitler had a different... No, wait. Because your brother started flushing diapers down the toilet.

And if you flush a diaper down the toilet, it expands. Because they get really big. Right. And so he couldn't go in there. And then he handed me the toilet. And it was super... Not the toilet, but the giant spot. It was super heavy. And he he handed me the toilet and it was super, not the toilet, but the giant pot.

It was super heavy. And he's like, what should I do with this? And I'm like, I don't know. Did we throw it out the window like 16th century France? It was heavy.

The fact that it had weight to it is upsetting. Like you're like, oh yeah, there's some mass in here. Really? Because the fact that he asked me what we should do with it

was upsetting. Oh yeah, and you're like, I already got to deal with this with Keith. I mean, I thought that you could figure it out. You're like 40. You can do this all. But it's the same guy who also pissed on our Nintendo 64 the day we got it.

I know. That was horrible. Yeah, it was like we got an N64 for Christmas, and we were super excited, and we played it all night. We go to bed. At this point, I'm sharing a room with both my brothers, and I was awake when this happened. I sort of roll over, and I see him kind of stumble in all drunk or whatever. And he just walks over to the N64, pulls his dick out, pisses all over. The next day, it's aggressively soaked in pee.

And I remember him walking by and just going, oh, it looks like it rained in here. Oh, yeah. That'll work. Nowhere near a window. Had not rained. There was no window in that room. I was like, yeah, I guess it rained behind the TV. Anyway, Merry Christmas.

And it rained pee. Yeah, exactly. To be fair, those Mario parties did get a little bit loud when he was trying to detox. So, I mean, who was really rude? Do you have a favorite tattoo? You've got a few. You don't have a ton, but you've got a few, right? I like them.

No. No, they're I like them. No. No, they're all your children. They're all equal. I thought you were going to say you like the one of our name and then you're like, eh. I don't really have a favorite. I actually like the ones on my neck. I like getting on my neck. If I'm going to get something, I'm going to get it like... Yeah, you want people to see it. It's like putting a pit bull

on your body. Well, get a nice car and put it in the garage. You want that shit on the driveway. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want like a teeny tiny, like, I don't know, semi-colonel. We're not going to kill ourselves. You know, because we might. Let's not commit to it. Like semi-colonel, just wait.

You know, like, I'm gonna. I think the correct suicide grammatical is dot, dot, dot. Basically, by the time she retires, my mom is going to look like Jared Leto's joke I'm going to get I don't think I'd do my face because it would be hard to get a job

here's the part of that sentence that sticks out to me I don't think when you go to get a job and you have a tattoo on your neck and you get hired people are like whoa she must really be smart I do the same shit at work I go in looking like shit every day and they're like this guy's working himself to death and you get hired, people are like, whoa, she must really be smart. That's fucking, I do the same shit at work.

I go in looking like shit every day and they're like, this guy's working himself to death. And I'm like, no, I just didn't shower. So then I just can go fuck off. That's why I just always look like shit. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, you're looking like shit

at the historical roast office. Really bought you a lot of torture genius cred. Oh yeah, absolutely. Oh man. Fucking, so many goddamn questions uh we should i think we should because a lot of people bring it up uh can we just either you or you like go through the book of the pepo story because keith's told it a couple times and it's it's kind of a fan favorite not recently and we have a lot of new uh listeners we don't have the context of mrs elliot and if i'm

misremembering a part of it, correct me here or maybe tell me your I'm not sure why I would remember it. Well, there are literally swaths of the story that I'm not present for. So, okay. So just, so here's, here's the story as I remember it. We were, we went to Universal Studios. Yeah. Me, Scottish and you.

And Topper. No, I don't think Topper was there. I think he was with Ricky at that point. Oh, you're right. He was with Ricky. Yeah. No, because that and you. And Topper. No, I don't think Topper was there. I think it was with Ricky at that point. Oh, you're right. He was with Ricky. No, because that's important for the end of the story. Right, because Ricky came. Yeah, but we went to Universal, and we were all going to go to the park, and you were

like, I'm going to go see the 40-year-old virgin. You guys go to the park. You can't go because it's an R-rated movie. And my brother was little. So I'm like, okay, cool. We go. Yeah, because I never took little kids to see R-rated movies. Yeah, I know.

Because I was Terminator 2. Yeah, or, yeah, okay, so. Yeah so yeah but anyway but that was your logic there and i i knew something was up but i was like i'm not gonna fight i already knew she was drunk yeah yeah i was like well yeah you're like she is alive so you know what my genuine thought in that moment was i can either get in a fight with my mom right now or i can go ride jurassic park like i have those two options and i'm gonna go see some dinosaurs yeah so when we go to universal studios we come back at like the designated meeting time when the movie was supposed to end you're not at the movie theater then we look over at the hard rock cafe and you are being physically removed from the hard rock cafe by a very large samoan gentleman yep i was

in trouble yeah he just puts you on the like the doorstep in front of the big neon guitar like Dino in the Flintstones. Yep, that happened. What happened in there? Well, because I went to some other place first. And I saw a Mexican. I freaked out. And it's like the Queen of Diamonds for me. I was already sad and probably already drunk and really depressed.

See, that's what I used to do when I would be really depressed. I would drink. Right. Because drinking actually saved me from killing myself. Oh, yeah. A lot of people with addiction, it's like heroin. I had something to look forward to. Yeah.

No. I mean, really. No. I mean, like, and so what happened was, is I got really drunk somewhere else. And then I went to the Hard Rock Cafe, and I was also getting really drunk. And then I left, and I didn't know that I left. And they tackled me, and then they drug me back in, and then I made a huge scene. Okay.

And was fighting with them, yeah. Yeah. Because I like to fight when I drink. I like to fight anyhow. I watched you execute a similar maneuver at Disney World. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, dude, a similar maneuver at Disney World. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's, oh, yeah. No, dude,

I remember being... The way he describes it, I'm just picturing, like, a Benny Hill, like, you come back with a mustache and a hat, and you're like, now can I have another vodka? Oh, no. I remember being at Disney World, and we had to go find you and Brian, and we just knew you were... Because you can't get alcohol at Disneyland, but you can get it everywhere at Disney World. Oh, yeah. And we knew

you guys were getting loaded, but we didn't know where. So we're standing at the central hub, literally figuring out, all right, where are they? It looks like we're planning our route through the park like it's a fun day. Yeah. But instead we're just like,

all right, there's a bar in Tomorrowland. There's one over in your fantasy land. Yeah. But anyway, so you get removed from the Hard Rock Cafe. Yeah. And at that point you're like, we're going to Bucca di Beppo. Because we should top it off with some wine. Yeah, we go to Bucca di Bepo. Because we should top it off

with some wine. Yeah, we go to Bucca di Bepo, you order a bottle of wine, and there is a very nice waitress who I don't know how much you remember, but I remember very vividly because she's just like this

fresh off the bus from Iowa. Gee whiz, I'm going to make it as an actress. Nobody's told me I'm a little too fat for pictures yet. Like she has that kind of... That kind of gumption

oh she's got moxie yeah basically imagine you described the graveyard shift at a diner in LA in any diner in LA just really imagine like a Betty Boop level of wide eyed optimism but she's like hey howdy y'all

welcome to Booga the Bat Bowl I'm gonna get you some fettuccine fuck face or whatever and she gets you a bottle of wine. And she takes off for a little while. And at that point, me and Scottish are just sort of like, all right, well, what's our pizza opportunity here? Like, we're trying to figure out what pizza we're going to get. Then you start weeping. I was sad. And look, you crying in public, not a super uncommon occurrence at that point in our lives.

You know what I mean? It happened. We were kind of used to it. But this one seemed worse. And we're like, what's going on? And then right as the waitress comes back, as you are finishing a glass of wine, you just go, I'm pregnant. And then I watched the light leave that girl's eyes and realize I'm going to move back and assist in managing Applebee's. I watched you crush the dream of Los Angeles.

Where am I? Oh, she's laughing. And she was there to take our order, and she heard it. She couldn't act like she didn't hear it. And she's just like, do y'all need a minute? Or is the Ravi always gone? And we ended up staying and getting a pizza. You were very insistent.

I was like, should we just go? And you were like, no, it's pizza. So we get the pizza. I wanted to treat you. That baby's got to eat. It was a wonderful afternoon, and thank you for this. I wasn't really pregnant. We should say that, because I know the story, but we should make it clear.

Yeah, she wasn't really pregnant. We really want to make it clear. She definitely wasn't pregnant after the next part. At that point, I was in over my head. I couldn't deal with it. You were too drunk to watch. At this point, it was over his head. The rest of the shit was fine.

But I've escorted you. Dealing with my mom drunk is like being on a shitty escort mission in a video game where it's like, why is the AI broken? And it keeps trying to walk into traffic. It should be fine. Just hide from the gunfire yourself. But I remember like okay i couldn't deal with so i called i called ricky and i was like hey my ex-husband yeah yeah he was

coming to bring his kid home and i was like hey can you come pick us up universal studio shit got weird and 20 minutes go by he's like hey i'm here but i'm at the bottom of like this big hill and i gotta pick you up there i can't come up for some reason so i'm like all right cool well we'll walk down and if you've never been to universal Studios, it is a mile-long hill on a full... It's a fucking metaphor. It's not made to be walked. It's like where a vampire lives. They make a shuttle bus

that runs it, but it wasn't running because it was too late at that point. So we are escorting you in shattering high heels down this hill, and then right when we get to the bottom, one of the heels gives out. You do a double somersault and then go face first into an electrical box. That I do remember.

Like Homer falling into the gorge. That's the part that I remember. I think you chipped a tooth that night. No, I chipped my tooth at a piano bar. That's right. I remember. There were a couple tooth-related incidents. Yeah.

But at that point, we pick you up. You're relatively alive. And then I get a phone call. And he's like, you know what? I'm at the top ofrelated incidents. Yeah, yeah. But at that point, we pick you up. You're relatively alive. And then I get a phone call, and he's like, you know what? I'm at the top of the hill. I was wrong. We had to drag your ass back up the hill and just shove you in the back of a car like you were a Craigslist futon. And even the police somehow were there, too. And the police were like, do you want some help?

And the children were like, no, we got this. And we were like, OK, we're going to let you in. Well, look, if there's any value you instilled in us as children, it was no cops. Right. Yeah, you got a self-reliance. We're going to automate your voice for this so the police can't trace you. Yeah, say please and thank you and no fucking cops.

No cops, yeah. But, yeah, that was a pretty uh that was pretty weird thing though i can go to jail now like for and you could have gone to jail before no i've been to jail before but what no you haven't um but i i have a pass to just go in and out to do a there okay did you get that in community chest? So at what point will you be running heroin? I mean, and it's so lackadaisical here. It's just weird.

Well, yeah, it's Fresno. Everywhere's a jail. And they're like, you're not supposed to bring your phone in. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to. Fuck, I wonder if you've met my brother. Is he in Fresno jail? Well, he's a correctional officer. Oh, in Fresno jail? Well, he's a correctional officer. Oh, in Fresno jail?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? I'm not going to say on the show. Oh, you can tell me afterwards. We'll talk about it on the air. Yeah, we can do it. Squong. Oh, no, I don't know him. Oh, okay.

Well, I think we're kind of getting towards the end here. We've got a few more questions. My wife and I are getting married on September 29th. Do you have any advice for a couple of newlyweds on how to sustain a long and happy marriage and possibly any tips to keep things hot and spicy in the bedroom oh god oh well funny you should say keith you can do earmuffs for this if you want like the kid in old school i well i i was going to show you my guns but how does that relate to that oh no we're gonna get a photo shoot with the guns.

Well, wait. The thing is, is that I forgot what I was going to say. Hot and spicy in the bedroom. I can't remember. Oh, like keeping a marriage a lot? How do you keep a marriage? Oh, the funny thing is, is that the reason why I was so sad at Bucco di Beppo is because Glenn broke up with me.

Oh, no shit. Weird, right? Yeah, you were single at that point, but you were dating him. And this was years ago. Yeah, this was 15 years ago. And then you circled back and ended up with me. Oh, no shit. Weird, right? Yeah, you were single at that point, but you were dating him. And this was years ago. And then you circled back and ended up marrying him. And then we ended up still knowing each other, reconnecting through AA. Was Glenn the good one? Oh, Glenn's that guy.

Yeah, the good one. We're in Glenn's mobile apartment right now. Yeah. And so that was, but keeping a marriage alive. So I could show you my stuff. We probably don't need to see the stuff. I do. Just maybe the gist of the stuff might be good.

Well, there's like ropes around our bed with like those. Oh, fuck. Keith, we could stop this if you want. And they have a spacer bar. Where you put your hands behind here oh no wonder you became a yoga teacher

she's been practicing for years what does it do? I'll show you I'll show you the thing I probably won't show you how it works Nicole's going to have a three-way with my mom I guess there's that get some ropes and a spacer All right. Oh, Nicole's going to have a three-way with my mom. Yeah.

But that, I mean, I guess there's that. So get some ropes and a spacer, and you're good. And not having children is a good idea, too. Wow. He's right here, you know? Well, I know, but he's a grown-up. If you're going to have kids, have them be grown-up. Oh, okay, yeah.

Steal them. Yeah, give birth to a 30-year-old man. What you're talking about, Kelly, is kidnapping. Because, honestly, it's hard to... I like to think of it as a five-finger adoption. Yeah, yeah. Keith told us during the party... Kidnapping would make it spicy if you committed crime together. Well, I've committed crime with people before.

Sure. Many times. Yeah. Oh, yeah, many... Keith, too. Yeah. Keith was in on the grift. Yeah.

A lot of people want to know what your favorite, like, side hustle for money was. Oh, too. Yeah. Keith is in on the grift. Yeah. A lot of people want to know what your favorite side hustle for money was. Oh, stealing. Yeah. I am the best ever. Yeah. I believe it. The best. Here's the thing.

If I'm working at a store and I see you walking out with something and I think you got it, I don't want to fucking start anything with you. I see it in your eyes. I'm like, this lady knows what she's doing. She's not losing. No, but- Fuck it. You got it. I'm not stabbed it stabbed in a ross dress for last yeah that is your cucumber yeah but of course no but i lived off of that for years oh yeah and it was for years it was bad i stole your whole christmas i mean like i saw the grinch yeah a lot of people don't know if the grinch had kids

it was actually pretty good for them yeah because like i stole everything. You are the Grinch. Yeah. Well, a lot of people don't know if the Grinch had kids. It was actually pretty good for them. Yeah, because, like, I stole everything. That's fucking hilarious. I got robbed on Christmas Eve. It might have been you. No, but not like that. Did you ever get Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for PlayStation 1? I was supposed to get that as a joke.

Wow, we might have a match. How funny would that be if I found out you robbed me? It would be really super funny. It's the grip of the magi. Yeah. But it was only, like, big places like Target and like Nordstrom. Yeah, yeah. You know, air quotes around them like they're being protected for anonymity.

No, because they can't hurt from me robbing. No, no, no. I have the same thing where I would never rob a person, but I have very little. But I did choose to rob a person. You don't rob like a mom and pop corner store. But if it's a fucking Walmart, who gives a shit? Yeah, don't fuck people, but absolutely fuck Walmart. No, but I had like a filing system.

I would go get receipts out of the garbage. You know this one, right? Yeah. You guys all know this hustle. A lot of people put lemonade in the Chipotle cup. Kelly actually put the Hope Diamond in there. I would also like to point out that her filing system was an old purse full of burglary confetti. It was just loose receipts that you would just scramble through making cat noises

until you bought it. And then I had a route that I could go on. Do you remember the day when you made me go steal you Gas-X or like don't fart pills

and then you made me return them? Yeah. And I was like and this was under the auspice of I'm going to take you birthday shopping. That was the conversation

we had. And instead you were like hey go steal the most embarrassing product and then return it somewhere. Oh there's more embarrassing products than that. Not if you're a fat guy.

She was just talking about that fuck swing in her bedroom. They didn't work. I still fart a lot. I would have gladly stolen a fuck swing from CBS. I would love to see a CBS fuck swing. It's a fart pill, not a fart vaccine. It wouldn't stop you from farting for the rest of your life. I have a question.

Do you have any moments that strike you? Because you got sober. You changed your life around. Keith's doing well. I bet Scottish. I fucking love Scottish. Yeah, Scottish rocks. Yeah, are you?

I don't know toppers well. Do you have any moments that you're proud of or you're proud of your kids of having? Or anything? Any moment where you're like, wow, it really kind of all came together. I feel like I have a couple of those where I'm like, hey, shit kind of of all came together, you know? I feel like I have a couple of those where I'm like, hey, shit kind of is working out. Anything like that kind of stick out to you? I've been waiting for mine.

Okay, so there's three. Okay, good. And that's why we're on this side. Yeah. Okay. So you should never have three kids because you should only have two or you should have four.

Or four. Right? You should have one or anything. It shouldn't be an odd number. They got to have a buddy. Yeah. Right. You didn't do that? Yeah. Okay, and you didn't have one or anything. It shouldn't be an odd number. They got to have a buddy. Yeah. Yeah. So if you have triplets, run a bath and see who swims the most.

Yeah. Exactly. So here's the thing. That's why you do home birth. The county doesn't need to know you killed that baby. I know, right? Yeah, fucking county. They're nothing but trouble.

One of the places we go and shoot and ride bikes, that's where they bury bodies. It's called Stoddard Wells. It's awesome. Whoa. And they have caves there and you can just shoot and it's free and everything. But I wish that I gotta pause.

The question was, did you ever have a moment that you were proud of your children? And the answer was, don't have children. Here's where bodies are buried. I'm super proud of Keith. That's great. Because he survived the longest. It's their children.

It's not fear fact. You kept your hand on the car the longest, you win. No, because he survived the longest and actually seems the most well-adjusted. I am shocked every day at how well-adjusted Keith is. Because he talked about sensible shoes yesterday and all this stuff. I am proud of Keith because he's been on his own for a long time. I'm proud of Scottish that he can live on his own. He knows how to cook.

And I like Topper and wish him well. Yeah, he's doing the thing. It's really hard. You know, I fucked up my kids. I'm a bad mom. I'm really bad at being a mom. I mean, you're pretty good at it now. Oh, yeah.

See? It's the older thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just, I didn't know how to be a mom. I never had a kid. mom i mean you're pretty good at it now oh yeah see it's the older thing i'm yeah i i mean i just i didn't know how to be a mom i never had a kid i was like what i didn't i never changed a diaper my mom doesn't live here and my mom sucks too um and my dad is dead so i was like there was fucking deadbeat it's kind of sad no no he was a deadbeat too like i'm the the checks he used to send my mom he would write blood money in the memo. That's hilarious.

I mean, like, that's really nice. And then he disappears for 12 years, and then, oops, I have cancer now. I want to come and visit you. Yeah, what a piece of shit. What a piece of shit that cancer-addled old man is. No, but, like, I mean, the fact that my kids are still alive is pretty good. I mean, like, I was a good enough parent that I didn't put them in a microwave and I didn't sell them for dope because shit like that happens. Oh, yeah.

And I really didn't ever intend to do any bad stuff to them. You know, I'll say this if I can. Like, you know, whatever happens, I got a best friend out of it. You know, me and Tom got a best friend out of it. Now there's someone in my life who tells me I'm not well adjusted so you did a good job and also like everyone's emotional support rock also can i say that i'm crying right now literally just because of that moment you two just had and it made me cry yeah i was here too for a second like this keith really like fucking with what he does here what he does in his. He really makes a lot of people around the world happy.

He means a lot to people. You're a part of that. You're a very weird part of it, but you're a part of it. I want my kids. I always wanted my kids to do what made them happy because one of the reasons I'm so fucked up is my mom wanted me to be. Well, the Mexican thing. But then I'm really fucked up because my mom said you could be a doctor or a lawyer. And I was like, there's tons of other shit that you can do.

You can be a waitress. I totally want to be a waitress. Oh, yeah. Waitresses make more money than me. Yeah. And so if Keith is happy doing what he's doing, that is my proudest moment. And I will say this too. You talk about being a bad mom or whatever.

And again, I'm going to go D minus here. But I'm not going full out. No, because you did do – you taught me a lot of things that actually were good lessons like you taught me not to take shit from anybody you taught me how to take care of myself you know you also a were the funniest person i ever met like like you like i you know i i i almost said i'm famous which is gay but like whatever anybody knows about me is from like sort of roasty shit and that kind of thing. I learned that from watching you. I've watched you go into so many teacher-parent conferences where they have their big britches like, well, I'm going to tell you what's what, and then you just shatter their soul.

Oh, I had Keith describe to me the conversation he had with you about me not liking mac and cheese, and his description of the story broke my heart. Yeah, I told my mom Connor wanted mac and cheese, and she's like like we'll eat a fucking pizza if i cut it up for him like a baby but no and i and you know as far as the creative stuff goes like there's somebody asked about this i think i told the story before but yeah i think i before i did comedy i wrote i wanted to write movies it was my thing and the first thing i ever wrote was like this 30-page movie, air quotes. And it sucked. It was like a weird Tarantino ripoff thing. But I remember I printed it out because somehow I was like, well, then I'll just mail this to Hollywood and then I'll be a movie guy.

And I remember you looking at it. I was like super embarrassed because you were like, did you write this thing? And I was like, yeah, I wrote the thing. And you were like, it's actually really good. Fucking keep going. And I was so like, it felt bad how shocked I was, but that was the one thing, you never told me not to do this.

You never, you know, there was one weird stretch where you were tweaked out and trying to get me to join the Air Force. But other than that. Well, I mean, they pay for lots of stuff. Right, but the point is I'm trying to stay out. For the most part, you never told me that what I was doing was stupid.

You let me do what I wanted to do. You let me be who I wanted to be. And that actually worked out pretty fucking alright. So, look, don't listen to the bad catalog because we've said a lot of things about you. Oh, I don't care. No, I know, but the point I'm making is I'm more making this for the audience.

I genuinely do love you. Oh, okay. I love you too. You did alright by me. I'm sorry. That's alright. That was beautiful. Moving to the close, we've got a couple not heavy questions but I guess big questions a lot of people are asking

if you have any advice in life anything you abide by any sort of like credo that kind of like works for you I guess no filter I don't have a filter

no filter no cops no Mexicans no cops yeah I really don't think say what you want and do what you want

Nicole is crying say what you want and do what you want. Nicole is crying. How are you doing over there, Nicole? You only live once. Yeah. My mom's credo is YOLO. Actually, it's not really.

But like, I mean. You've lived like 40 times. But like my husband, too, like he's been shot several times. So that's why he walks with a limp. He's got that Iron Man suit. He loves his job because he helps veterans get money. Fuck the government.

Fuck the man. Fuck society. Fuck the safe place and all this stuff. I don't know. I just do what you want. I really hate parents that don't encourage their kids to do that. Me too. Yeah, well, that's what, I mean, tying into it, you know, you're talking about parenthood.

What is, we have some new parents that have messaged us. What's your advice to them? Do they have a baby? No, no. Well, not yet. What babies they have. Keith is expecting. We're going to surprise him.

Okay. It's a burrito. It's going to go in the sink later. Any advice for people dealing with addiction? A lot of people asked that question so I thought I'd pass that along. Dealing with addiction?

They're in it and they don't want to quit? They're trying to figure out what they can do to get clean? They can either die or they can quit and i don't really care what they do because i i'm not it's not my problem like that's what i used to say when i ran a program i'm gonna go home and i'm gonna be fine so you can quit or you can die yeah like that's it you can quit or die because you're gonna die i do think like thing is, that's probably the healthiest way to to deal with like being someone around people like that. Like you can't make them your problem.

You have to say like, hey, either you're going to hit rock bottom, which is death or you're going to turn your life around and you can't take that on yourself. That's probably the healthiest way. Yeah. So you're either going to die or you can get sober. But I don't encourage people to go to programs, even though I've worked with many. You should just go to, like, the 12-step program. Right.

Yeah. That's it. Okay. And probably the biggest question of all is who would you rather date, me or Tom? If I wasn't married. If you weren't married. If you weren't married. Hypothetical, purely.

No disrespect to Glenn at all. And I was much younger. Yeah, and I did wait until he left to ask this question because I wasn't sure he would get that. That was a hypothetical. Oh, Tom, definitely. He seems like a real crazy fucker. Here's what's great. A lot of the fans want me to be Keith's dad.

So this, you know, God forbid, you know, I wish you a happy marriage. Yeah, you know, maybe there's a motorcycle accident and maybe I find a couple cool tax loopholes. Something happens with that man in Iraq, you know, I'm always around. She will murder you and start cashing your Patreon. I mean, you heard about what's in that bedroom. You're in over your head, buddy. She's got a whole tackle box full of shit to put in your butt, big guy. You don't even have a wall, dude.

You have a wall. It's about eight inches deep, and she's going to find it with one of those pink wigglers she's got in the nightstand. Man, you're about to get fucking knuckle-dusted up the tunnel, my dude. Yeah, crazy fuck is a good description. You really nailed my essence there. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, man.

Keith, you got anything else you want to talk about? I think that's it, man. I think we hit about everything. This was so much fun. Yeah, Oh, man. Keith, you got anything else you want to talk about? I think that's it, man. I think we hit about everything. This was so much fun. Yeah, this was a blast. Yeah, we should do this again at some point. So that we could hear like part two. Yeah, yeah.

And here's the thing. We've probably only scratched the surface of the thumbnail. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I tried to narrow it down to what the most people wanted to hear, what I was curious about, and it was a fucking blast, Kelly. Thank you so much for doing this. Sure, anytime.

And this is going to mean a lot to people. We'll send you some, I'm sure people will send you some nice stuff to say, so we'll send it to you. Yeah. Yeah, and if you want to join us when we tase me for 500 iTunes reviews, you're welcome to do that.

Oh, yeah, you can do the tasing, the guest tasing, yeah. Oh, that would be cool. Recently, I've been thinking about shooting myself. Not to kill myself, but just to see what it feels like. Yeah. Because I got stabbed. That's why my finger doesn't bend. Oh, your middle finger doesn't

bend? No, because I got stabbed. That's the most punk rock shit of all time. I couldn't put it down if I tried, as a man. Yeah, so I was like, you know, because whenever me and my husband are having a discussion, I'm like, I got stabbed, and he's like, I got shot. You know, so I was like, you know, because whenever me and my husband are having a discussion, I'm like, I got stabbed, and he's like, I got shot. You know, so I'd like to up the air, like, I shot myself.

You know, like, that's better than getting shot in a gang shot. You're right. Tom's crazy. Question, where would you want, like, in the foot, in the arm? I was thinking maybe my arm or my hand. Okay. Not the gut, because that really hurts. Yeah. And not the kneecap.

Yeah, we saw Reservoir Dogs. Yeah. That's brutal. No one would have ever thought the kneecap. Are you going to get a tattoo or the bullet hole? No. That would be cool. You could just highlight it. Like a sun where the hole is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could say it means new horizons or something.

I'm going gonna get a tattoo Yeah this tattoo actually comes with a wheelchair It's great Alright well I think that's gonna be the show Thank you so much Thank you guys for giving a shit We finally made it happen And Merry Christmas

This is our Christmas day Hope you enjoy yours with you and your family However fucked up they might be Alright Fuck everything God is dead However fucked up they might be. All right. Fuck everything. God is dead.