Mean Boys - EP 175 - The Best of Mean Boys Vol. III

Episode Date: January 1, 2019

Get $20 off and free bacon at [butcherbox.com/mean](butcherbox.com/mean) with promo code "MEAN" Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Today's episode of Mean Boys is brought to you by ButcherBox. ButcherBox is a service that delivers delicious meats directly to you, pretty much. Hell yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah, we got a box of this stuff from the Starborn Studio, and I've been making burgers all week. Made myself a nice little New York tip kebab plate, and the meat is really high quality. It's really delicious and super convenient and cheap. Very affordable with plans for all different kinds of folks. And what you do, you basically pop over to their website and you choose your own curated box, including a mix of high quality beef, chicken, and pork.

And you can customize it to whatever you need, whatever cuts you want, however often you want them. And it's good stuff and it comes right to your doorstep it's all 100 grass-fed and organic uh free range uh and all that good stuff and uh they keep it fresh oh yeah there's no hormones no tom was thinking he was he thought he had hormones no not not in the butcher box bitch it. It is superb stuff. Fucking high quality, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's very good. It's super convenient, like I said. And, yeah, just go over to their website.

This is great for people like Keith doing the keto diet, you know, where it's like a lot of lean fats. Because if you get it just schlepped over to you, first of all, you're going to spend less than you'd spend at the grocery store. And you're not going to have the excuse of I don't have time to go to the grocery store. Yeah, it tastes good. You're going to eat it. Yeah, exactly. And when you have this stuff, it's not like you're going to leave it in there long enough to go bad because it's delicious. Who avoids the meat in their fridge?

Exactly. Just do this, and you won't get caught in that sort of food delivery kind of takeout, late-night pizza-y, junk food snacking sort of wheel. Because when you get in that cycle, it's hard to break out. Do the smart thing. Sign up for the ButcherBox. And thankfully, your pals over here on the Mean Boys Podcast have a special offer for you. For free bacon and $20 off your first box, go to butcherbox.com slash mean and enter promo code mean to get that deal. Man, it's a shame that Keith is not doing this with us because I'm sure there would be tears of joy in his eyes right now.

You saved $20 and free bacon. That's like Christmas to him. Yeah, seriously. That's right. So that's free bacon and $20 off your first box. Go to butcherbox.com slash M-E-a-n and enter m-e-a-n butcherbox.com butcher like a ninja Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And this is the Best of Mean Boys 3. We've officially been doing Mean Boys for longer than John F. Kennedy was president. It feels good. This is actually the exact third anniversary i think of the first uh episode coming out we put on the first of january uh 2016 so and what a small roller coaster it's been yeah it's not so much like it was a big like you know fucking mgm grand outside the building

roller coaster but we did ride that one at scandia like seven times yeah it's the one you go on at knott's berry farm when you're not tall enough for the real good one yet. Yeah, exactly. You're like, fucking wee, Jaguar is fine. And you try to tell yourself it's cool. Like, well, no, the line's shorter, so I got to ride it like 20 times. Mathematically, you're really building up roller coaster karma. Yeah, like my cousin who hit his growth spurt actually mathematically had less fun than I did. All the talking.

Shut up, small nerd. Man, thank you guys so much for listening to the show. And we're doing the best of show here, obviously. So we got some of our favorite moments from the last year or so. And if you're really feeling randy, how about you show this to a friend? It's a nice entry point. Help us spread the word. Because, look, the more popular we get, the stupider we can afford to be.

That's very true. Yeah. And we do these best ofs. You know, if you're a fan of the show, we want to sort of look back on the things that worked amidst the ocean of things that did not. Yeah. But yeah, if you're new, you're coming to the show. We get it.

It's daunting. There's a lot. It's hard to explain what Mean Boys is to people. So I think this is a good. Yeah. Have yourself a little appetizer platter. You go. We got some mozzarella sticks, some onion rings.

It's all the same color. Yeah. So if you're if you're if you're an old school fan, you're going to get a little behind the scenes action that makes it worth listening. If you're new, this is the best we got. Yeah. Yeah.

And shockingly, Mean Boys has never been better, really. Like, I don't know. We got a lot of cool stuff we're doing in 2019. We're excited about some. We can talk about some we can't. Stuff we can. We are going back on tour. Yes, for sure.

We're going to be making up those dates we had to cancel and we had to write that tv show so if you're not and i know we say it a lot if you're not on our email list go ahead and fill out that tour sheet it's in the show notes of this episode it is also in our twitter bio it's on the top of our website a lot of different ways to get to it it's on the uh the front page of the subreddit so uh yeah go fill this out uh let us know where you are and hopefully we'll do a mean boy show in your neck of the woods and we'll also we'll be doing pre-sales and shit we'll be giving you a discount if you're on the email list so you definitely want to be on there uh we're fucking so excited to come back and see you guys it's been almost a year at this point since we've been back

out all over the place yeah it's been too long and i uh i fucking the best part of this year has been touring and meeting all you uh you lunatics that enjoy this show oh absolutely it made my year going on tour meeting you guys, finding out you guys are kind psychos and not just psychos. You guys are great. Finding out we officially were not being catfished by some sort of Russian troll farm.

I genuinely thought we were. I thought I had some kind of enemy that was making it seem like more people were listening than they actually are so they could get me to existentially kill myself because I was wasting my life. A really boring episode of Black Mirror. Yeah, I thought Evan Cassidy was running sort of long con

with a bunch of Twitter characters. And you guys ended up being real. Almost more scary, but more exciting. Yeah. We also got our new iTunes goal. So what we did was 400 iTunes reviews. We interviewed Keith's mom. That episode's up now.

If you haven't heard that one yet, it's a humdinger, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it is truly bananas. One of the best episodes. And 300 iTunes reviews. I genuinely have gotten, like, five people messaging me saying that the episode with my mom made them cry. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, don't worry.

It's mostly disgusting and 10% beautiful. Yeah, and weirdly, we stick the landing on a real racist, sexually upsetting episode. Yeah, it's the most Mean Boys episodes where it's very dark, very upsetting, a lot of violence talk. And then it ends being the most, like, a peaceful fucking serene moment of connection that you could ask for in an audio format. You know what I really want someone to do is to do, like, the of coffee counter but with the number of felonies you know so just like 36 question mark yeah and when you get to 100 she just becomes el chapo i get it i get a new brother when we get to 100 speaking of 100 when we get 100 past 400 500 i will get tased at a live show slow down did you do that math right?

That was quick for you. That was impressive. Yeah, we will tase Tom. We got a taser in the mail already from a very zealous listener. Yeah, and don't worry. I'm not going to high voltage or anything. I'm just going to make sure it hurts, all right? I'm not going to die.

I'm doing my research. I didn't look into this blind, but it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. I'll wear the GoPro so you guys can see that footage. See the electrical arc. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so leave those reviews and fill out that tour sheet if you want to see Tom get electrocuted for your amusement.

God, I hope we talk. I'm sorry. Does Last Podcast on the left do that? I don't think they do. Does Comptown ever put themselves in grave bodily danger for your amusements? Mark Maron, have you ever frozen yourself like David Blaine for 500 iTunes reviews? If we get 1,000 iTunes reviews, I'll just tase Mark Maron. I know where to find him.

I can bail out on an assault charge. That ain't shit. Satire. This is satire. Yeah, allegedly. Waka waka. I'm going to tase that old man. He heard about this and said, lock the gates.

Am I right, fellas? Hey, now. So here's a fun iTunes review. Well-adjusted guy checking in. That's a subject line. A pretty boring dude. And even though the boys make a lot of jokes about their fan base being a bunch of meth-smoking carnies, I just want to pop in and say that this show is great for normal guys with office jobs that happen to

have a very dark sense of humor check it out these guys are funny thank you very much paul corn so leave a leave go ahead and leave a review like that or whatever banana the shit you want to say about us yeah yeah do whatever you got to do uh that's going on fucking uh patreon is still going strong thank you to all our new snark week patrons yeah uh yeah we're gonna be if you if you don't know already uh five bucks a month gives you weekly hangout shows with the boys and a guest shooting the shit, making each other laugh, telling stories for an hour. And ten bucks a month, you get a little goodie in the mail.

We had some Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium calendar magnets. Which rock so hard and are in the mail currently. Yeah, they're in the mail, so look for those soon. If you subbed up in December. And this month we're doing a new keychain, so go check that out over on the Patreon page. And get in on that if you if you subbed up in December and this month we're doing a new keychain so go check that out over on the patreon page and get in on that if you want a piece and that really does

fucking help us a not have to sell out as much and be keep the lights on so we do appreciate it this is a mom and pop up it's really just three guys so we're constantly do appreciate it yeah we're the less we have to do shitty lame nonsense that we don't want to do the better yeah and yeah I mostly refuse to do shitty, lame nonsense that we don't want to do, the better.

Yeah, I mostly refuse to do shitty, lame nonsense, so I just want to make sure you know. And also, no one asks. No one's ever, we need a reliable hack. Where's Tom at? You're the reason I have a kitchen, so thank you very much. Tom is too pure to sell out. Me and Keith can fake it, but you're just like, I have nothing to sell. I got everything I have for free. Some sort of weird artisanal truffle where it tastes like shit to most people, but to

the people with the refined palate, it's worth everything. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Or the burnt out taste buds from smoking cigarettes since they were seven. Either way. Yeah. We got we made some beanies.

They look pretty bitch in the meanies. We got like 12 of those left. If you want one, I would go get one ASAP. Yeah, those fuckers sold quick. Thank you guys for buying them. It's cool seeing all the pictures of you guys wearing them and stuff. Thanks for digging them. So yeah, those are up on our website, meanboyspodcast.com slash

merch. They are $23.50 all in, shipped domestic. It's a little more international, but we made them as cheap as we could. And yeah, thanks for buying those, guys. That was really cool. Also, we got a YouTube channel. All the shows are on YouTube. If you're a weirdo that listens to podcasts on YouTube,

and Tom is putting together some fun highlight clips with some slideshows and also the vlogs, the notorious vlogs. Yeah, and I'm excited to tour and do some more vlogs and meet more of you guys. I have a lot of plans for the YouTube stuff. We all do, but I'm trying to narrow down what that YouTube channel is going to turn into, so go ahead and subscribe to that. Yeah, and of course, all our socials, Twitter and Instagram is all

at Mean Boys Podcast. A couple more little quick things coming up. Keith's recording an album in January. If you are in the SoCal area or you want to come to the SoCal area, January 27th, I am recording my second album, which I will officially announce here because of you fucking morons. It's titled Partylicious. Yeah.

It was too obnoxious not to use. I heard Keith's feelings so much he had to own it. I'm finding this out in real time. Yeah, you just described my career. But yeah, I'm recording that the 27th. A lot of the stuff, a lot of the process of putting this album together was going on tour and doing stand-up for you guys this year. So I cannot thank you enough for helping me kind of figure out what this record is. I'm going to be recording at the Chatterbox in West Covina.

It's one of the best comedy shows in the fucking country. It really is. It's awesome. Run by Steve Hernandez and Scott Lurz. They're letting me take over. Both the boys are going to be there. Nicole McCann is going to be there. scatterbox in west covina it's uh one of the best comedy shows in the country by steve fernandez and scott lures they're letting me take over both the boys are going to be there nicole mccann is going to be there uh i would love to see as many of you guys as can be there yeah and uh keith's a phenomenal stand-up if you haven't seen him if you haven't if you haven't made the trip out yet this is the time to do it yeah the boys in rare form kids i'll tell you we're all gonna be trying really hard and You are.

I need you to phone it in. Look, I'm not trying to ride that fucking strap-on joke to bomb the first eight minutes of my album. Every once in a while, I just listen to your old album because it's great, and I think this new one is going to even top it, so people should fucking come. I haven't heard it, but I'm sure it's good.

Yeah, it'll be a free show. I'll put up a Facebook event and stuff by the time that this comes out, so that'll be linked in the show notes. But I would love to see as many of you guys there as can make at January 27th in Los Angeles. And for me, I think just as cool an achievement, and probably even better, is I'm going to be at Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento January 4th through the 6th.

And the club has informed me, if you would like free tickets to the late shows Friday or Saturday, they're all yours. So DM me on Instagram or your social network of choice within a reasonable time period, please, so I can forward all that info. What, are you going to be a huge asshole? I'll be in Sacramento with the punchline headlining on January 6th. So if you want to come see me instead of Connor. No, you don't want to see that.

In Sacramento, no one is funnier than me in sacramento i have the best sets of my life there i really know you are a god king sack the perfectly shitty town for my comedy yeah and if you want to be somewhere cool set out smoke signals maybe me and you can hang out in los angeles because all right so that's uh that's all the boring shit out of the way into the fucking fucking content. God, what kind of millennials are we? 11 minutes of logistical business? Yeah, that was a lot of fucking housekeeping. But yeah, so let's get into this fucking best of. For anybody who's never listened to the show, we start off every episode with something called the Mexican Joke Off.

We write five topical monologue jokes about things that happen in the news. Sometimes they're good. More often than not, we panicked and wrote them 45 seconds before the show started. But we start every episode that way, and we've compiled a list of some of our favorites. We have compiled them. Combiled them. Which is how you make a new life form out of vomit. Indeed, yeah. You just regurgitate a worm, and then

it turns into a child. We've compiled it. Beast most foul remains. Yes, indeed. Satan's favorite jokes. We've compiled a child. Yes. And now he's running wild. Here's some of our favorite moments from the show's monologues from us and the guests for you to enjoy.

A man is dead after choking during a croissant eating contest. So move over, AIDS. There's a new gayest way to die in town. A sperm whale washed ashore on the Spanish coast after being killed by latex poisoning. In a related story, Keith's mother took a European vacation

and did the condom snorting challenge. A Pennsylvania couple beat their child to death because he spilled his cereal. The toddler's last words were, I know I asked for kicks, but this is ridiculous. Holy shit. A Texas police officer attacked an unarmed black man who was wearing an eye patch. He repeatedly called the man the N-word with a hard R.

Damn. Wow. That is excellent. All right, guys. Researchers at the University of Alabama have cured baldness and wrinkles in mice. You know what that means, right? Mature mice with jobs that still got it going on. Sign me up, sister.

Who wants to get dicked down by a mouse? The Texas Department of Justice found $18 million of cocaine in a shipment of bananas that was donated to Texas prisons. The shipment was seized, but the bigger problem is that prisoners love bananas. Riots have broken out across Texas prisons led by inmates demanding bananas. Now colloquially referred to as the banana riots, thousands of hunger strikes and tiny rebellions are popping up as a result of the prison banana famine. One inmate was quoted as saying, I got to have my bananas. Another said, in prison, it's either bananas or murder, and I'm all out of bananas. Corrections officials are scrambling to restock pantry shelves with bananas, but they're coming

up shorter than a small banana. I can only think of one word to describe this bananas fiasco. C-R-A-Z-Y. It's crazy. Yes. Yes. Holy fucking shit. A meth addict ate his own penis.

This event is known as a floridora boris. A new study shows a common ingredient in peanut butter is toxic to dogs. Great, now I have to eat peanut butter off my own dick. Sky News reports that Jamal Khashoggi's body has been found. He said in a statement to the outlet, They cut my arms off and they threw them over there. They destroyed my dental records and threw them over there. He's the scarecrow. Oh, God damn it.

That's, uh... Oh, man. An Indian man towed a car 100 feet using his penis. The meth addict from my last joke was heard asking, You gonna finish that penis? Hey, suck my dick! Dr. Oz has stated that a man gains an inch of his penis every 30 pounds he loses, meaning all I need to do to have the biggest dick in the world is weigh 45 pounds.

Yeah, the wildfires raging in California are the size of 16 Manhattans. To put that in perspective, 16 Manhattans is all I need to ruin the Tupperware party. You've always been a bitch, Karen. Press and seal my ass. Residents in China claim to see the eye of God when a cloud apparition that looked like the heavens opening up appeared in the sky. Many claim a voice from the sky could be heard saying, I'm here to collect the debts of all ye who have pee-pee'd in my coat. Grindr turned nine years old today.

Or as it's known in the gay community, 18. A Japanese pilot was fired for showing up to work drunk. He defended himself saying, if you can't drink and fry, why is beer-battered fish a thing? Damn! Damn!

Alright guys, a toothless Texas inmate has been denied dentures by the Damn. Bam, bam, bam. All right, guys. A toothless Texas inmate has been denied dentures by the medical board. Good, said his cellmate. It is I, rapy Skeletor. Yes. Darth Molesta. Darth Mom. Your mouth with my dick.

One out of ten people that work at Disneyland are homeless. What I want to know is, when in the history of time did people who work outside of a castle were not mostly homeless? This seems like a shit. That's so good. A McDonald's cashier is being charged for having a baby with her brother. Attention was brought to the baby because the baby had medical... Tom, you're a professional speaker. I'm a professional misspeaker. I mean, you're technically correct.

Her baby had the... Tom, you fucking goon. We do this every three days. How have you gotten the source at it? Tom, Tom, fucking breathe air for a minute. This is your primary job. Yes. Her baby had medical conditions that also qualified her to work at McDonald's. I didn't hear the first part.

The first part was a storm of fucking giggling. You fucking gravy-brained dullard. Every week I'm like, I got to stop calling Tom Dummy. He's not dumb. He's a smart man. I'm just bad at, you know, speaking and thinking and writing and, you know, words in general. Ideas. Breathing.

But it's funny. Never do that again it's hilarious all right so this is uh this is an all-time riff for me by far the most requested thing on the best of and it's the dumbest shit in the world well this also came when we were reacting to the the fact that we realized that we've we've now got enough listeners that there's a contingent of mean boys sold out and used to be funnier guys what happened to when the show was tense and tight and aggressive and all pre-written and uh and i was like you fuckers hate jimble kimble you hate this magical thing yeah jimble kimble is uh basically connor you remember when we just did compiled five minutes ago yeah that happened but then i turned it into the funniest thing I've ever done in my life. I was fucking crying.

Yeah, this is one of our rare late night recordings. We used to record every episode at like two in the morning. Miserable and full of death. But yeah, this was a late night recording. We were all zonked because we were still writing the TV show at this point. Yeah, so enjoy a very raccooned trio of mean boys riffing it up for you right now.

A terminally ill seven-year-old has been sworn in as a cop. No news yet on who will be sworn in as an honorary black kid. You know what I love is that you slurred that joke so hard that you just lost a lot of syllables. I do that every time. You did like a 20-syllable sentence and also fucking ruled. I'd like a 20 syllable sentence. And also fucking rules. I'd like to be an honorary black kid with leukemia. It's the Make-A-Wish program and

I made a worse wish program. You're gonna die anyway category. I'm going to die but I was number one on Reddit and I'm very cute and I inspired some people for about a week. I died doing what I love, going viral. That's the best thing that can happen to a baby that is born today, is it can get a disease and then get a lot of shares

and go out before they have to actually learn how shitty the world is. Yeah, what else was it going to do, be happy? You get to be Batman, eat ice cream, and die. These are all the things I want to do. All right. Oof, WWE. I don't know if you guys saw the news tonight. I did.

WWE champion Roman Reigns. Here's what I like about doing them late at night, because now people listening in the morning will be like, wow, it's just like I'm watching Jimmy Kimmel on my DVR. Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel. Hey, everybody.

I'm Jimmy Kimmel. Welcome to a late today with Jimmy Kimmel. Boy, the man with the hair said to Jimbo, he got the sickness. I don't know, Jimbo Kimble. There's Jimbo Kimble in the Jimbo Kimble van. You pan over. It's just a squirrel banging its head on a fucking empty box. Hey, Jimbo Kimble squirrel.

I'm going to talk to the man from that movie. And then today old Chad Kroger is going to be here. Let's think about it. Jimbo Kimball, followed by Comics Unleashed and Bradley Bradley. Blah, dabble dabble. It's Jimbo Kimball Live. With yes, blah, blah, blah. When did ABC get Comics Unleashed?

I didn't know about this. Welcome back to Jim Kimmel. It's time for the green tweet. You read a bang on tweet, and I'll tell you, it's not nice for you. Read a tweet. I say you read a tweet, Jim Kimmel. Jamie Foxx is so gay. How gay is Jim Kimmel?

It said that I put slippers on with my socks on. Do that, Jimbo Kim. Jimbo Kim will host the Oscar. Many awards for best Jimbo go to Kimbo gonna host the Oscar. Man, you want the best Jimbo, go to Kimbo. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck my ass. Jimbo, Jimbo Kimbo, what? Jimbo.

Jimbo Kimbo kid get sick. He cuts to Guillermo and he's dead, but it's actually Guillermo beheaded. Guillermo, we're going to do a man on the street bit. Jimbo Kimbo don't talk to a tiny Latino leprechaun. Tom, can I have some of your water? I hurt my throat laughing at Jimbo Kimbo. Sure, I'm going to take some from the ice jug. My bottle got hurt without doing gimbal gimbal that was

holy shit that was one of my favorite tangents of all time man man i gotta follow that is this is this what you didn't want huh hater mean boyfriend we love you guys yeah you guys more gimbal all gimbal you guys hate gimbal gimbal live what the fuck is the matter with you you want us to light a bunch of candles and open the Necronomicon and call each other the worst things we can think of for 45 minutes like a Black Flag song, a podcasting at 2 in the morning? I'm getting confused, guys. I don't know why more girls don't like this show. Yeah, this is... Number four.

I was a little brought up axes. I don't know, man. Girls do listen to this show. We have a lot of lady listeners. And this one goes out to all of those lady listeners. You know, Jimbo Kimble gonna throw it out for the ladies. Like, when the moon hits your body, I'm like a pizza made of pizza. No, Jimbo Kimble...

That's a Kimble. Jimbo Kimble actually got his start in radio. A lot of people don't know he did bits for K-Rock. That's right. Jimbo Kimball. That's a Kimball. Jimbo Kimball actually got his start in radio. A lot of people don't know he did bits for K-Rock. That's right. Jimbo Kimball used to be Ralph Garman. Yeah, so Kevin and Bean, back with you Monday morning, 845. Jimbo Kimball. Jimbo Kimball on the traffic copter.

Jimbo Kimball is in the traffic copter. Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble. That's a North Carolina helicopter. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. We can hear the helicopter. Can you hear it? Yep, it's pretty loud. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

You don't have to make helicopter sounds with your mouth. Mind doing it. It's the helicopter. Respect the fourth ball. Jimbo Campbell. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Okay, well, we got it. Adam Carolla has to teach you wood shop after this, so we got to go.

He got them big old teeth. Yeah. Jimbo Campbell. this so we gotta go he got them big old teeth yeah number four clue my favorite part about jimble kimball is when you say no you sometimes say i can tell you know what you're saying we have no idea and then you'll laugh at your own joke as jimble kimball we have no idea we have no idea what the fuck you'll laugh at your own joke as Jimbo Campbell. Yeah, I'm deep in the woods on Jimbo Campbell. We have no idea what the fuck you just said. His eyes turn a different color when he becomes Jimbo Campbell. It's the truest. You let yourself become the nightmares you have about your father.

It's the truest form of Keith I've ever seen. That's who you think I am? Jimbo Campbell? Yes. I've never seen you happier without food. I think you have the same. Fuck you, you fat faggot. That's so funny.

The way I talk about pussy, Keith talks about Chago and also pussy. I enjoy snacks and fuck. This next sketch is from one of our more recent episodes. This is from Snark Week from our episode we did with Kyle Clark and Henry Zebrowski. This is the tequila sketch. Yeah. And basically, I really, really wanted to just make a sketch that felt like how insane it feels midway through Snark Week. Of burning your soul to create art that is preposterously dumb.

And this was also when the recorder broke, so we had to do four different sets of takes of the lines to get everything right. Oh, that's right. The process of making the sketch turned into the sketch itself in a weird way. Tom had to do his lines so many times, and it wasn't Tom's fault at all.

It was just technical stuff. Yeah, yeah. But by the last one, which are the ones we used, Tom has just gone rogue and is just delivering every line with a weird William Shatner. I'm putting emphasis

wherever the fuck. Yeah. And it kind of, every time I've showed the sketches, I mean, they always laugh at, whoo,

fucked my wife. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, this is one of the best ones we ever did. Another Keith classic, Tequila from Stark Week. We've been in the recording

studio for hours. I'm losing my fucking mind. Maybe we should just call it a night. Are you going to ask him? Because I'm not in the mood to get screamed at again. I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, Chip. What? Hey, listen, buddy. It's been a long day. I just

don't think we're going to get it tonight. Let's go home. Try it again in the morning. No, no, no. We're not leaving until we get this right. Now shut the fuck up and rewind the tape. No, no, come on, man. I said rewind the tape. I've got this. I can go all night, baby.

Of course you can. He's connected to his mind. You got something to say to me, Graham? You white bread chicken shit motherfucker. No, no, no. It's just, no. Just rewind the tape, I guess. This is ridiculous.

All right, just come on, guys. Let's just fucking get through this. All right, you ready, Chip? I'm ready. I feel it. This is the one. This is the fucking one. Come on, Chip.

Come on. All right, Tequila, take 47. Come on, Chip. You got this. But Chip is great. I'm gonna do it. Tequila. God damn it!

Fuck! Shit! Stop the fucking track, Lyle! Take it back. Let's go again. Hey, let's just get the line on its own and dub it in. Oh, we're gonna dub it in? Would you tell Beethoven to dub in the violins, Tim?

Would you tell Da Vinci to dub in the Mona Lisa's smile? Would you tell fucking God to dub in a sunset? Here's an idea, Tim. How about you take my dick and you dub it into your fucking mouth, you goddamn Philistine? It's gotta be live. I gotta feel it in my bones, my fucking marrow, dude. It's one line about booze in a goofy Mexican accent. Yeah, to you, maybe. You know why? Because your fucking heart is blind, Tim. It's blind. That's why you can't see the beautiful light of my fucking vision.

That's why you have to be the keyboard guy. That's why your wife cheated on you while we were on tour. Hey, wait, what? All right, we'll go again. You ready? Go! Go now! Silence is death! Tequila, take 48. Hey, he can't hear us, right? No, the intercom's off. I can see your lips moving! Face the wall, I am trying to goddamn focus!

Guys, we absolutely need to fire Chip. I mean, he's not even, where's he even getting his cocaine? We are not a famous band. Yeah, totally. Also, who slept with my wife? Well, what are we going to do? None of us can sing. He owns the van. If we fire him, we're not going to be able to make it to that gig in Houston next month. Was it that Charlie guy from her work? We can sit here and talk about all the reasons that Chip used to be useful

and all the guys who have fucked Tim's horrible wife, but I'm drawing the line here in the same. If Chip's in, then I'm out. Graham, you can't quit. We started this band together and... Wait, wait, Everyone shut up. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Ta-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka.

Son of a fucking goddamn cocksucking cunt bitch who let a fly in the studio? Hey, hey, Chip. Chip, just calm down, buddy. I'll kill this fucking fly. Oh, shit. He's got a gun. Chip, I need you to put down the gun, buddy. Show yourself, you winged whore. Ugh. I'll blow a hole in you wider than Tim the gun, buddy. Show yourself, you winged whore!

I'll blow a hole in you wider than Tim's wife's cooch. Why, Debra? Chip, you're not thinking straight, buddy. Yeah, you know what, Lyle? The line between genius and madness is razor thin. And right now, I am riding that fucking line. So which way are we going to go, huh? Are we all going to die here tonight? Or are we going to change Huh? Are we all gonna die here tonight? Or are we gonna change the

fucking world again? Alright, man. Um, just take it easy. No one has to get hurt. Tequila, take 49. Shit. We can't get out without going through Chip. What are we gonna do?

I do not care. Let me die. There is nothing out there for me. Pull it together. Everybody, grab something to attack with. Mic stand, guitar, anything. And on the count of three, we rush him. They say if you run straight at someone with a gun, they panic and their aim is off.

It's risky, but he can't shoot us all. And if we're lucky, he doesn't hit any of us. Tequila. He did it.. Tequila. He did it. Oh my god. He was right. It's beautiful. Oh, Captain, my

Captain. Tequila. This is how Alexander the Great must have felt as he realized there were no more lands to conquer. I have become one with the muse. God and man, merged together in one vessel. My name is Ozymandias,

King of Kings! Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! Tequila! One of the show's most hallowed traditions is our annual celebration of 9-11

with Steve Ranazzisi who very graciously came back for a second year after we tricked him the first year. Who I believe you referred to as loving father and liar of note.

I probably did, yeah. And he had a great story about the historic Echo Park Lake as seen in lots of Tinder profile pictures and a pretty bad OK Go video. So, yeah, this is a fun little story that Steve told us when he was heading over to our shitty house. Steve Ranzisi, back in the trap. Oh, my God.

Yes. Thank you, buddy, for coming by. Hey, no problem. It's a tradition at this point. We've talked about it outside. You've got to tell us what you saw while you were driving over here today. It's fucking beautiful. So, driving here, I was thinking about writing some jokes for the podcast.

And then I got stopped at a light, a traffic light. You hear that, Cal Canane? Steve Rannazisi had time to write jokes. No, I didn't. I didn't write any jokes. You thought about it. You thought about it. Yeah, I thought about writing them.

You considered trying. Yeah. And then I was stopped at a traffic light next to what was like a big pond in Los Angeles. And there was a kid. I was the first car, a kid crossing the street with his mother. And a duck was out kind of like two or three feet out into the right lane and was eating food off the ground. And the kid was pointing at the duck and the mother was pulling the kid away. And we all saw this duck.

The woman at the light saw the duck. So when the light turned green she didn't go and i slowly went because i knew that the car behind her would get impatient and he did he whipped around and he just came and ran that duck's head over and me and the kid that were at was at the corner locked eyes before that duck died and we i watched the duck's head explode everywhere and Oh, God. And I laughed so hard, and I knew that nothing I could write nor say would be as funny as the moment I just witnessed. The funniest part is, like,

if he just ran over the duck completely, like, okay, it killed the duck, the head. The head. Yeah. It's like a targeted attack. The duck was going down to get food like this, and so it literally stuck its neck out to fucking get splattered.

And it wasn't the body. The body was pretty much intact, but the head got just crunched under that fucking tire. And no one's going to deal with it. That duck is still there. And I saw it. It was like I knew it could happen, and I went slow enough. And I didn't want the duck. I just wanted to see what – and it did.

And I was like, oh, maybe the duck – In terms of an excuse, I feel like if you – like the dog ate my homework. Yeah, boo-hoo. Like, teacher, I saw a duck get got by a fucking person earlier in Echo Park. Okay, well, you know, you're off the hook for geometry today. How much ice cream do you have to buy that kid to untraumatize him? That kid is fucked up. Oh, yeah.

Fucked up. It's completely – You get him one of those swan popsicles. You know what it was? I think, he pointed at the duck and he was probably telling, Mom, this duck is in danger.

We have to do something about it. Honey, I'm late for whatever, an Instagram shoot. The duck will be fine. She was super hot. She was on her phone.

Mom was going to go pop her pussy and pay for that. So whatever, I'd corrode her brain. And I could tell, he was like, no, but this is my life

calling to save this duck. And then just, bam, that fucking duck is so dead right now. He just learned what ducks were like three weeks ago. How old was the kid?

I got it. The kid had to be four years old. Between three and four years old. This is the worst stage. Just when you start retaining memory. I mean, I'm talking,

this is this kid's first memory. Yeah, you watched a human being learn the futility of compassion. Like, that's what happened. Everybody slowed down. Everyone kind of knew. And I could see this one guy. It was like a car or two behind. He was on his phone.

He was like, what do we do? And he just whipped around to the left lane and just ran this duck, came right back over. Did he stop? No, he just kept going. He had no idea. He just kept going, and all of us were left there with the collateral damage. And to me, it was just a laugh. I laughed so hard.

It's a good story, but who knows if it really happened. That's true. It begins. I should have brought the duck's body in to be like, look, this is what happened. I was definitely near the duck. I can still smell the duck. Like, all right, I was a few blocks brought the duck's body in to be like, look, this is what happened. I was definitely near the duck. I can still smell the duck. Like, all right, I was a few blocks from the duck. I was a couple blocks away, but I saw the whole duck thing happen.

I volunteered with the duck. Okay, so have you ever had to do that with your kids if they ever seen anything really fucked up? You're like, oh, quick. I got to, like, I'm the point man on this. I got to contextualize what just happened. Never anything that bad with my kids my kids when we were when i was a kid i saw my we saw a guy drop dead at niagara falls oh shit and then my brother the falls no no no he had a heart attack he just literally just walking in a drop dead oh my god yeah walking

with his wife and then well that sucks drop dead family that tells the story because like he died at niagara falls oh did he go over in a barrel yeah my brother was like four and he had at he was like can we throw them over because he was like my brother was like trying to like he kept trying to throw things over and watch them go down but to him this was the biggest thing that he could find that we could literally watch wrong so he asked us when we walked away can i we could we should have thrown him over and watched him go down the fall oh that's because when you're a kid you don't realize realize, like, dying is a big deal. Like, that guy's dead.

Obviously, that's what happens in Mortal Kombat when you suck at fighting. The only use he has to us now is to watch him go over the falls. Yeah, let's test gravity. And my answer would have been, like, sure, he's not going to be more dead after we throw him over the waterfall. Yeah, I mean, it's like, is that going to be better than the fucking funeral you guys scraped together on GoFundMe for $12,000? That's what they did on Lord of the Rings. They just threw that dude off that cliff after he died. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Just bring good points. So there's a hero, Tom, that you're requesting a cliffside service for your memorial? You can throw me off of anything when I die. I don't really care. We'll just wheelbarrow you to the funniest place we can. Yeah, wheelbarrow one of those little kid trains, whatever you guys want to do. I don't give a shit.

I feel like Tom is going to have a Viking funeral, but he's just going to be taped to a boogie board. Yeah, that's like a Viking funeral on water. Yeah, exactly. That's an Orange County funeral. Yeah, we push it out, and we just start throwing lit four locos at him until he fucking goes down. We go to where the casino is in Buffalo. We just send him out on a thing, and then we just drive down to the falls and just wait until his fucking body goes right over the top of the falls. On that note.

I mean, Steve does the 9-11 episode. He's done it two years in a row. And we mostly figure the funniest thing to do is not really mention 9-11 with him that much, and then just make the sketches all about 9-11. Yeah, yeah. So. This is a Twisted Nerve Productions, which is basically our fake events company that we've created that manufactures terribly advised events for national incidents. So with that in mind, that was the worst way I could have phrased that.

I'm just trying to keep my mouth moving. Here's the thing. Twisted Nerve presents 9-11. Yeah, we really got it. No, this one's pretty complicated. You need to set it. You got to explain to people what the idea of it is. People might not get it.

Yeah, I mean, it's so quiet and subtle. If I say enough words, then people will feel like they got more content on this episode. Oh, no, dude. Well, this is the kind of insight they want, you know. Hey, everybody. Jimbo Kimble. Are you entertained? Here's the fucking thing.

Twisted Nerve Productions is America's most trusted name in tasteful memorial events. There's never been a national tragedy too heavy for us to tackle. And through it all, you've been there every step of the way. You tore, tore, tore it up at our Pearl Harbor Beach Party Bonanza. George Bush might not care about black people, but you did when you got butt nasty in our annual Hurricane Katrina wet t-shirt contest. And now we're taking on the granddaddy of all disasters. That's right.

Twisted Nerve is coming to New York this 9-11 and we're ready to help you solemnly memorialize the lives lost that fateful day until your motherfucking head collapses. We're cramming a propane tank full of somber reflection up your dick hole and we're shooting at it with the unlicensed handgun of reverent celebration. It's September 11th

2005. Come on down to One World Trade. We've got music, it with the unlicensed handgun of reverent celebration it's september 11th 2005 come on down to one world trade we've got music food merchandise that rides the thin line between patriotism and full-blown racism we paid a brown guy 200 bucks to dress up like bin laden and put on one of those foam suits they use to train police dogs and you can go hog wild on him with a golf club and work through some ugly feelings. Worried about yelling Islamophobic shit in public? Don't even trip. He's Guatemalan.

We've booked special celebrity guests. Mark Wahlberg is taking a break from filming his 86th movie this week to come let chicks touch his muscles and remind you that everyone on United 93 would still be alive if they knew karate. Rudy Giuliani is going to be there, because fucking of course he is. A man so committed to honoring 9-11, his teeth look like what's left of Building 7. He's soaking up the memory of the last time in human history

he wasn't thought of as a ghoulish butthole. Rudy's going to drive a fire truck right to the middle of the party. Think he should ride on the back and an actual firefighter should be driving? Well, so did they, but he was uncomfortably insistent. Speaking of which, we here at Twisted Nerve have the utmost respect for our first responders. That's why we're honoring the New York Fire Department with an erotic

adults-only event, 69-11. We've got the finest and desperate teen mom cast members greasing up a fire pole with their slippery lips. Make sure you bring singles because Bernanbury's kids need food, and MTV doesn't fuck with residuals. It's guaranteed to be a little sexier than it is sad.

So stop by for a show hotter than a steadily approaching wall of flame that's guaranteed to keep your South Tower standing tall. We put the finest in bands that need a gig now that county fair season is over. We're talking Three Doors Down, Puddledle of mud a very confusing performance by smash mouth move over reflecting pool because we've got drowning pool with a special meet and greet with the bass player because he's the guy selling churros crazy town is headlining and you bet your ass giuliani is coming back on stage he's taking the mic from the singer during Butterfly, and he is insisting that he sing the song, even though he clearly

doesn't know the words. And at some point, he'll probably just start singing the lyrics to Macarena. But do you think Crazy Town gives a shit? Hell no. They're just excited to get a check. Tickets are on sale now. Proceeds go to help firemen suffering from lung disorders because they breathed

in ash that turned out to be made of dead guys. Gay't miss out on an event you'll never forget uh we love doing the show live uh we love doing the show live on the road and uh it's tough to narrow down our favorite live road moment a lot of a lot of there were a lot man yeah a lot of a lot of ones in contention but uh we settled on a particularly magical segment where everything kind of just fell into place at, I'll say, our grimiest live show, the Detroit live show. Oh, man, that one felt like we were just recording in that basement where they fight and fight club. Yeah, it felt like some sort of like TSOL show that got shut down halfway through.

Are my favorite places to do live shows at? Oh, yeah. It was such a fucking fun show. I don't know if there was a single audience member with a full set of teeth hosts included yeah it was fucking i was just looking out of this like a bunch of terrifying hooligans going like oh these are these are the guys huh hell yeah this is the one that looked the most like what we thought all our shows would look yeah oh yeah a lot of you guys when we met you were just like oh we have jobs and children and we're productive members of society not detroit Detroit, you ain't.

No, yeah. I steal ostriches and I take them to a chop shop. Anyway, love the show. Can I buy one sticker for my niece? Yeah, the ones who are the most functional grownups are also the ones who I did the most drugs with. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they also gave us cake and knives at the show.

That cake was so good. Yeah, that was the night that Tom ate two cakes and then turned into a rock. Yeah, well, I... You turned into an Easter Island statue with a bad vocabulary as soon as that fucking cake hit your lips. I had to figure out how to do edibles at that point. Which is right there in the name. He's putting them in his butt. I butt-shugged to Hershey's Kiss.

I don't know why you'd make a Jolly Rancher suppository. I did them too well. I did too much of the edible part of the edible and then got insanely stoned and then ate two fucking cakes surrounded by people. Other people were doing real drugs in the morning.

They're like, hey, man, you got to be careful. Yeah, because I watched you eat part of someone's wedding cake with your fist. Watching Tom try to tie his shoes that morning was like Michael J. Fox level difficult. You're like, I can't get over. Can you just do it, Connor? Yeah, and then we were just fucking driving off. And I'm rapping to Eminem with a 90 second delay. It was just fucked up.

It was one of the least pleasant mornings I've ever had. But one of the most fun nights we've ever had. A lot of that because of this show and because of this game of price check that Connor wrote that is really fucking great. I've commandeered the YouTube ad for this next segment. Tom, I don't know how you walk around with this all the time looking how you do. It makes me less conspicuous. It makes me look like I know what I'm doing. Connor, you with the GoPro looks like you're about to enter some sort of lesbian bike race.

I'm doing a POV, pussy eating porn. Welcome to the Gold Star Invitational. All right, guys. Anybody who's not kind of gay has no idea what that is. Cool, man. Anybody who's not kind of gay Has no idea what that is Cool man I never thought I'd get heckled About Star Trek From a guy who looks like A Bronx bookie

Hey listen You don't like the Romulans Maybe I'll break your kneecaps How about that Yeah I'm taking odds On the Dyke 500 or whatever It's not going to be the neutral zone When I bring my fucking bat down there

That's Mark Malloy in real life It is Holy shit or whatever. It's not going to be the neutral zone when I bring my fucking bat down there. That's Mark Malloy in real life. It is. Holy shit. What's up, you fucking mooks? What were you going to say? It looks like you put on the camera to record a POV porn of you fucking two brothers played by Connor and Tom. It's called you Connor. I'm fucking sorry

about that. I wish. My name is Connor's friend. I don fucking sorry about that. I wish. Yeah, no, Keith and Tom. No, my name is Connor's friend. I'm so sorry. I know my role in this business. That's what happens when you smoke weed before a show sometimes. Yeah, this is why I said no. Yeah. All right, well, don't you have a craft brewery to run or something?

Don't you have to get back to the GameStop and lock up? Somebody's got to referee this adult kickball league. All right, guys. We're going to be playing one of our favorite segments. It's time for a round of price check. We'll have a very simple game. I'm going to give you two things. You've got to try to guess which one costs more.

Round number one, Coachella tickets for one weekend or dinner with Jeb Bush. Which costs more? That's my Coachella. I think Please Clap is headlining the second stage of Coachella this year. Oh, yeah, no, you guys came to see Video Head. What do you think, guys? Coachella tickets or Jeb?

Wait, who is selling tickets to eat with Jeb Bush? I hope it's Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush is selling tickets. Yeah, Jeb Bush is selling them it's Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush is selling tickets. Yeah, Jeb Bush is selling them. You for sure looked this up before you had to research this game, too. Yeah, Tom, you got me. I fucking love Jeb Bush. He loves politics.

Yeah, I got a poster of him. Yeah, I made a bad one. Sorry, guys. I have a poster of him hanging up in my bedroom, and I'm like, someday, when the Patreon hits 3,000. Ah, the Bushes. The retarded Kennedys. That's my favorite punk band.

Too dumb to count. Went to school. It was really hard. I ate lots of paste and now my Tommy Hur. That's a great joke for just me and Keith. This is our game. We just make each other laugh and then you guys can hang out or whatever. Tommy, her. That's a great joke for just me and Keith. No one else. This is our game.

We just make each other laugh, and then you guys can hang out or whatever. Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't an Eminem parody. You fucking... Hey, Eminem's cool, right, Detroit? Eminem? Tom actually doesn't know that that's a rapper. He just thinks that you're referring to his favorite food. You guys have no idea how excited I am to see the real 8 Mile. I'm so excited.

I'm not making... That was my first thought. You've seen Keith's dick before. Am I right, everybody? He's got a big gross hog under there. It unrolls like that mountain from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Fucking guess already.

Jeb Bush or Coachella? It's a yes or Coachella answer. I'm going to say Dinner with Jeb Bush. Dinner with Jeb Bush. I think it or Coachella? It's a yes or Coachella answer. I'm going to say dinner with Jeb Bush. Dinner with Jeb Bush. I think it's Coachella. Yeah. Yeah, Tom's wrong. It's dinner with Jeb Bush.

Coachella ticket's $399. Dinner with Jeb Bush, $100,000. Here's the thing. I would pay $200,000 to go to Coachella with Jeb Bush. Like, I dare you to try and explain the yeah, yeah, yeahs to Jeb Bush. Oh, why has everyone got real-life Snapchat filters on? There's so many flower crowns.

Alright, guys. One hit of crack cocaine, or one ticket to this show. I'm in Detroit. I had to make it regional In Detroit? Equal? I don't know

How do you think they paid? People are like How do I send crack via Eventbrite? Oh man Thanks The guy who is not a mean boy But seems to want to participate a lot He's cool

I like it Yeah you're right Fuck God I wish I did more drugs Do you Tom? Yeah made a lot. He's cool. I like it. Yeah, you're right. Fuck! God, I wish I did more drugs. Do you, Tom? Yeah. Because you're sober and you're already this. Yeah. Who would have thought

I was sober? I think if you smoke crack, you're going to grow another mohawk. I think if I start doing more drugs, I just become normal and fit into society. I think that's how that works. I sure don't. You can't make me more out there. I don't know what kind of dividing by zero crack logic this is. Yeah. Maybe I'll learn division.

I'm going to go crack. Alright. What do you think? I'm also going to go crack. I think equal. Honestly. Equal? Alright. One hit of crack, $5.

Tickets to this show, $10. You guys could have had two hits a crack. How bummed out are you? Oh, that's funny. Alright, next one. In light of the recent racist incident, one share of Starbucks stock or one adult Black Panther

Halloween costume? What's the quality level on the costume? Is it like the original costume? No, it's not the original costume. It's like the Party City Presents I'm a Black Guy kit. Like pecs made of foam. Yeah, foam pecs, you know. You'd be overdoing it for a get-together with friends,

but it's, like, still pretty nice, yeah. Okay. I'm going with Black Panther. Normal Black Panther is sexy Black Panther. What are you talking about? Good Lord, man. Tom's like, stocks are those things they use to make soup out of, right? By the way, we can all agree that the movie Black Panther

is just fuckable The Lion King, right? By the way, we can all agree that the movie Black Panther is just fuckable The Lion King, right? That's just a Simba I can crank it to and it's not weird because he's not JTT. Well, yeah, Keith was watching Lion King and he was like, if only this was about dogs instead of lions. I gotta go whip a batch out to Oliver and company. Yeah, this is a man who not

six weeks ago said Bulbasaur's got some swerve to him. It's a fuckable Pokemon, and I won't apologize for the truth. All right. What are you thinking? I'm going to say a share of Starbucks stock. All right. I'm going to say the Black Panther costume. All right, guys.

Tom, did you guess? I think Starbucks is more expensive. All right, guys. One share of Starbucks stock, $59.24. Black Panther Halloween costume, $49.99. Oh, shit. God damn it. Starbucks wins.

Yeah. Everyone got bummed there. Hey, I didn't create capitalism. I don't know why you guys are mad at me. Don't shoot the messenger, D-Town. Everybody got bummed out. They planned on if the price was right, they were going to go home and buy Starbucks stock tonight.

Now's the time. Buy low, sell high. Look, okay, one Black Panther costume is ten hits of crack. I don't think that's a delivery. I don't think it's a coincidence. I believe in something called divine numerology. I'm a member of the Nation of Islam. That's what his necklace is made out of instead of the little teeth.

Okay, we've gone too far. Next one, a brick from Eminem's childhood home The Nation of Islam. That's what his necklace is made out of instead of the little teeth. All right, guys. We've gone too far. Next one. A brick from Eminem's childhood home or the price of getting a DUI in Detroit. Wait. I thought he lived in a trailer. I mean, he probably lived too. No, the house from the Marshall Mathers LP, you dipshit.

Oh, okay. After you're like, I want to go to 8 Mile. You're like, wait, where is 8 Mile? Oh, yeah, Eminem. You know the green guy? He's in all those commercials? I love that guy. He's my favorite rapper. Sometimes he's got peanut butter in him.

I gotta go with the brick. You gotta go with the brick, okay. I'm pro Eminem, which is a weird stance to make on this podcast. But I'm going brick. The phrase the cost of getting a DUI is a little confusing because booze is cheap here. I can get a DUI for eight bucks.

Well, Keith, you can't drive. If you wanted to get a DUI, you need six months of lessons and therapy. Yeah, you got to be a good driver to get a DUI. I can get a DUI sober, bitch. Yeah. I'm gonna say Sir, your breathalyzer was fine, but your cholesterol is through the roof. This technically

counts as a drug, so I'd ask you to walk into a straight line, but your thighs would start a small brush fire, so. Can you waddle in a straight line? Yeah. I'm gonna say it's the... I think it's the DUI, because I think whoever has those M&M bricks is a fucking moron and is selling them for nothing.

Okay. DUI in Michigan is roughly about $10,000 from my understanding. Understanding. That's what I've been told. By the police. By your lawyer. Twelve? Oh, thank you.

That guy definitely knows. Well, this show is about to cost you $12,010. Yeah, there's like a chimp man that stocks boxes at Costco back there. He knows a lot about crime rates. With the amount of Miller Lights next to him, I'm guessing he's going for number two tonight. What? That's why you got a DD?

You're DD, the man who just spit vodka in my mouth earlier? Have fun, everybody. Alright, I'm gonna go with the... Alright, dude. Come down more, retarded Adam Driver. The brick from Eminem's house.

Yeah, brick from Eminem's house. Alright, brick from Eminem's house. Price of getting a DUI, approximately $10,000. Brick from Eminem's house, $2,600. Oh! Damn. Yeah. Alright, guys, next one.

A dog sex doll used to placate your horny dog. It's a dog sex doll used to placate your horny dog. It's a dog sex doll for dogs. Not one dog has ever fucked that dog sex doll. Here's the thing. Keith knows he's watched all of the dog fucks. This is like the same logic where they have to sell poppers as VCR cleaner.

Oh, it's a water pipe, Chad? Is it? I couldn't find one that was marketed to humans. And believe me, I did look on Claire's Wi-Fi. So enjoy the visit from the FBI next week, sugar. Or one session of gay conversion therapy in Alabama. Your boy went hard on the deep web for this game, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, man. Hit a dog

or quit the hog. That was not like you were concerned about the game. That's like, I have a purchase to make. Yeah, that sounds like, is someone undercutting my bottom line? God damn it! And what about the hair? Are we talking hand-stitched? Is it a polyester blend?

What? Oh, yeah. Check out my new charity, Locks for Cum, where you shave your dog and I use it to make it a very accurate dog sex doll so bad men like Keith don't have to hurt real dogs. Keith fucks dogs. Okay, so, shall we

guess, gentlemen? I hate my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright. I hate my life Yeah yeah yeah whatever Alright Everybody chill the fuck out Yeah you guys were being a little rough on Keith Fuck you I'm trying to think of another pun but mostly I'm just mad that this happened Um ah god I think the gay conversion therapy is more.

The state doesn't fund that, right? No. Okay. You never know. It's like what you said, Alabama? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I think if it doesn't get subsidized, I'm going to go with shock. All right. The big shock. They offered that shit to me for being crazy. That shit's scary. What if they made you sane but gay? Tom, they offered you a dog to fuck to make you more

sane? How does that work? Alright, what do you think, Kyle? So, how long is the conversion therapy? One session, one hour. That's a lot of electricity. One session, one hour. That's a lot of electricity. Oh, one session, one hour. Oh, I'm going dog.

I'm going dog. Dog sex doll. Yeah. Wait, Tom, you thought it was enough to make you straight again? Like that was something that actually worked? No, not that it actually worked. Like it was getting a degree from DeBride? I'm not saying they're not going to try until the end.

You guys, the conversion therapy is fleeting, but the dog sex doll is forever. All right, guys. They're a bitch to clean. Dog sex doll, $233.12. One session of gay conversion therapy in Alabama, $100. Well, Tom, we might have found a cure.

Have you tried fucking a dog until you don't think colors are mad at you? I'm just saying. Next one. Season tickets to see the Detroit Lions or the amount of money we've made on tour so far? I'm glad you guys are liking this. I thought this one was going to suck. What seats?

What seats? These are the most expensive seats you can get. These are the nice ones. 100% the lions. I don't know if they're the most expensive. It's very cursory Googling. It said between blah and blah, and it went with a higher number. I don't know if you're in the VIP crack lounge,

but it's nice. Decent seats. A silver platter full of crack. A rock for the lady. That's so fucking funny, dude. I'm going 100% lines. I'm going 100% the tour. You guys really like that team,

despite the fact they're terrible. And you really like this podcast, despite the fact it's terrible. Okay, let's be honest. There's about eight dudes in here that like this podcast, and they're like, we're worried they won't do this again

unless I rope a couple of my coworkers into doing this. So we'll buy you guys some IPAs and be cool about the dog fucking jokes. Kyle, your thoughts? Oh, man. I don't know. Detroit Lions, probably. All right. Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.

It seems like you guys are pretty confident in that. I'm just going to take your word for it. All right. Well, I really appreciate that from the producer of the show tonight. The answer is the amount of money we made on tour. That's how much the football team sucks. Fuck you, the Lions. Hell yeah.

I'm not going to go into specifics so we can continue to charge too much as time goes on and people revisit the podcast. And the final one, the amount of cocaine Tim Allen got caught with in the 70s or the average cost of a house in Detroit today. Oh, my God. And by the way, I did not adjust for inflation. These are 70s Coke prices, modern-day real estate. Easy.

Easy. Easy. Cocaine all day. I'm taking cocaine. Yeah, it's straight up cocaine. I don't think so, bitch. We need more lawyers. Tom, your thoughts? I'm going to stick with the group, cocaine.

All right. The amount of cocaine Tim Allen got caught with, $60,000. Average cost of a house in Detroit, $44,600. That is Price Shed, ladies and gentlemen. A round of applause

for Mr. Kyle Forsythe. Thank you for joining the show. Thank you for having me. We have like the four different models of sketch on this show and one of the most popular and my favorites

that we go back to is we just have a nihilist rant that we vaguely call a commercial for something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just here's an editorial. But what if it's about a new kind of lotion? Yeah, we just read a Nietzsche thing. But what if shoes?

But this might be the most stripped down version of this that we ever did. This is a commercial for a thing. This is a commercial for the concept of a thing uh and this again you know in the grand tradition of mean boys i wrote in about 20 minutes yeah it's not keith's favorite but everyone wanted it so here it is 100 yeah i feel the same way about tom but it's uh it's a real slapdash sketch but people seem to really like it i hope you guys like it too. Please enjoy Thing. Hi, I'm some asshole. This is a paid advertisement. Your conscious mind acknowledges

this, yet still you absorb your instruction like the passive sponge you are. Did you know that 100% of people use products? All of the people who have the sex you'd like to have, the jobs you wish you worked, and the bodies you yearn to inhabit, they all use products. That's why company is proud to offer you our newest product, Thing. Thing is clinically proven to fix that which is broken and restore you to

your destined wholeness. Without Thing, you are but atoms. Thing is the force which binds your existence. Market research shows that you crave Thing. Your glands moisten and your blood flows freer at the very mention of Thing. You may be wondering, how does Thing work? Great question. To truly explain, it would break your small, weak, thingless mind. But here is a simpler explanation like one might give a child. Please enjoy the soothing tone of my voice as you are pandered to and placated. The rigors and stresses of human life create a dangerous condition called whole. Whole affects 11 out of 10 humans. Symptoms of whole include feelings of isolation, dissatisfaction with your mundane day,

and the quiet things you hear in the back of your mind while attempting to sleep. Thing targets hole, filling the eroded area and releasing a patented chemical called mine. Mine is the function of thing, and they work in tandem to provide relief from hole. Hole is incurable, and you will need to buy a replacement thing at regular intervals, but don't worry, there is no end to the thing, and you may purchase it as long as your lungs draw breath. None of what I've said is medically accurate. It is at best misleading, and at worst full-tilt snake oil salesmanship. But don't worry, consumer. I have a calm voice and well-pressed khakis, so I am to be trusted.

Thing comes in several different styles, including shiny, large, loud, child, and gun. Buy Thing now and you'll get 10 minutes worth of our newest product, Contentment. Act now. Time is fleeting. Life is pain. Pain is whole. Thing is salvation. Speaking of sketches I wrote in 20 minutes that other people love, Tom picked this one out for the best of.

Oh, Hitler DNA? Yeah. Oh, one of the hardest i've laughed recording a sketch we had we had it because keith wrote it and then we did it and then at the turn i started howling laughing we had to start all over because i was fucking laughing too i this is one of my favorites yeah not since opie sat in on the fudge lord has it taken so fucking long to cut anything oh i fucking love this sketch yeah I think that tequila was a lot of work for a weird payoff. Wait till you listen to this one.

This is the 23andMe sketch. Oh, honey, our 23andMe results came back. Oh, wow. Let's open them up. Okay, let's see. This says I'm 80% Irish, obviously. You've seen me after a trip to the beach. Hey, you look like a lobster.

Oh, stop. No, like a cute lobster. What else does it say? Okay, 13% Polish Jewish. And ooh, 7% Egyptian. Oh, stop. No, like a cute lobster. What else does it say? Okay, 13% Polish Jewish and ooh, 7% Egyptian. That's exotic. Open yours. Okay, it says I'm 100% Hitler. Oh, you mean German?

Nope. It just says 100% Hitler. Oh, that must be a typo or something. Just keep reading. Look, the second page of mine says my ancestors most likely immigrated to Ireland to escape. Well, it doesn't matter where they're escaping from. Right, yeah. Just read your next page.

What does it say? All right, it says, you were on april 20th in austria you were christened adolphus hitler you rose to prominence in the german government and were central to the perpetration of the holocaust you are hitler oh okay that that can't be right this has to be a joke yeah it says here uh we double checked because we were like what no way but our scientists are confident that somehow you're Hitler. Well, who does it list as your famous relatives? I got Halle Berry, the guy from Thin Lizzy.

Oh, look, I'm distant cousins with Mel Brooks. That's fun, right? Yeah, mine just says famous relatives include Hitler's mom, Hitler's dad, Hitler's cat, presumably. Look, man, we're going to level with you. We don't really know how to handle this So we're just going to mail it over And let you figure it out Oh

So 13% Jewish huh 23 and me Find out if you're Hitler Oh man this next moment features One of Keith's old buddies Cody Sarvis We all know from back in the day Joining us in the studio for I think this is kind of my Jimbo Kimble, where I just,

I don't remember exactly what happens, but I think I'm a Scottish guy that just yells a lot. Yeah, you blacked out and turned into Super Saiyan Shrek, and when the dust had settled, you had comedy stabbed all. Yeah, after a long night of drinking with Samurai Jack, I did this. And yeah, we got a lot of requests for this one, so here's Mac and Chaps. Donald Trump's doctor declared that he is 6'3 and weighs 239 pounds.

In related news, I am a Chinese acrobat, Tom is the professor of mathematics at MIT, and Connor McSpadden is straight. Never been to MIT. I could see that gay joke coming a mile away. Yeah. My powerful eyes that I feed with the semen proteins. Keep them laser shards. You kiss dudes?

Why'd you say that like a weird trailer park boy's accent? You kiss dudes? You kiss dudes? You're out there macking chaps. Gary, I heard you like to mack on a chopper right now and then. Snogging a fella. You're not a slobbing dongs. You're a dongslobbing chopmacker.

Dude, Scottish homophobe is my new favorite character. Shreksual harassment. You guys ruined Madagascar and Shrek. We're going to destroy the whole DreamWorks back catalog by the end of this episode. You're not their dunking fellas, Garys back catalog by the end of this episode. You're not there, Duncan. Fellas, get it. Duncan, I shit my pants, Duncan. Oh, God, we're not doing this. We're not doing Shrek shit his pants.

Watch your fucking back, Wreck-It Ralph. That's a Disney movie. No, it's not. It is a Disney movie. Continue. Yes. That's why I'm here. He has climbed to the top of a hill thinking he's right and then

realizes he's about to fall let someone else die here goodbye there's nothing better than you i don't think you've ever corrected someone correctly you always you always jump into like um actually and then you shit your pants do a little dance and fall down oh i forgot i wanted to bring some of the intro. Thompson, one of the funniest things. He's like, is David Blaine black? And I was like, I don't think so. I'll look it up. And I was just like, oh, he's a quarter Puerto Rican.

He just goes, oh, that's a big quarter. He's a Puerto Rican. Yeah, that was my quip. All right. Cheap gay guys will now be known as pleather daddies. What did I say? Mac and chaps? Oh, yeah.

You're mac and chaps! Mac and chaps on the gutter, you cheap gay boy. Mac and chaps sounds like weird gay sex, but also kind of a really good food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like something that comes in a basket. No, that's something that you would make. It would just be like nachos, but with mac and cheese instead of just regular cheese. Oh, my dude, I'm going to make the fuck out of that now.

I never thought of that. Oh, you love mac and cheese instead of just regular cheese oh my dude i'm gonna make the fuck out of that now i never thought of that oh you love mac and chops don't you oh you're mac a little chaps about your mac and chaps you're Irish delicacy nachos Irish nachos Irish nachos are dumb bullshit Irish nachos are fantastic good as someone that's watching me poutine i don't understand why you're like Irish nachos. Calling them Irish nachos seems disrespectful. We're not appropriating nachos. We are appropriating nachos. As opposed to the rest of the Irish food? If anything, we're being racist to Irish people by just saying because there's a potato in it, it's an Irish nacho.

That's all they have. It really is, yeah. It's like, oh, we have a fucking potato. Well, yeah. I drove through the countryside of my homeland looking at these fucking salmon walls that people put up to try to separate the soil and grow their little shitty potatoes. And I was just like, I get it because I also wouldn't have the self-esteem to leave. I'd be like, I deserve to eat one root vegetable a day and then go work the fields and cry under the fucking black sun.

I get it. That's who we are. I don't know if there's anything in the world that I'm more obsessed with, but also have never bothered to watch any of than The Purge. I'm fascinated by the concept, but I just have never sat down to watch any of the movies. But we were getting close to

Halloween, and I was thinking about The Purge a lot. And I realized it's very weird that people only use The Purge for murder or, you know, rape or general, like, cars on fiery. Yeah, and what if you did something else? Yeah. What if there were some other crimes you could do? If only somebody wrote a pretty okay sketch with a weird ending about it.

I might like to listen to that right now. Yeah, well, please enjoy The Goddamn Purge. It sounds piffy. We could not find that note to save our lives. Well, yeah, THX did the audio for this podcast. Yeah, yeah. The Purge! This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system

announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the U.S. government. Weapons of Class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the purge. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of Ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the Purge and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. when the Purge concludes.

Blessed be our new Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn. May God be with you all. God damn, I fucking love Purge Night, boys. Woo! Fuck yeah. Get some. We got 12 hours with no cops, no laws, and no mercy. What are we gonna do first? I say we go down to the docks and light a wino on fire.

Yeah. Then maybe we go to Sorority Row and find a little company for the night, Ted Bundy style. Yeah! And then when we're done with that we go to the neighborhood where I grew up and I have sex with my dad. Yeah! Wait, what?

Oh yeah, dude. I'm gonna straight up cornhole my father because it's not illegal tonight! Woo! That, uh, that sounds less fun than my thing. Come on, every year all we do is murder a bunch of people in the streets. That's fun, but you know, I think we can go bigger. Murder's not the only law we can break. Let's get weird.

Let's take a dump in a church. Let's rob a bank. Let's have consensual gay sex with my dad. Consensual? Like he's into it? It was his idea. Purge! That seems worse, right? i don't know why but it does like if he was raping his dad like sure i i don't love it but i get it but if the dad's into it i don't know man i'm i'm in the woods on this one morally speaking i mean like

not only is that super creepy it's also a waste of a good purge. I mean, we can literally go out, start cutting people's throats for one night a year. You can fuck your dad any time. It sounds like he's into it. I mean, I know incest is illegal, but, I mean, just be cool about it. Don't tell everybody. Especially us? Never tell us anything about this.

You don't think I've tried that? My stupid dad won't let me pound his butt unless we're legally married. Oh, nope. Nope. I know, right? My stupid dad won't let me pound his butt unless we're legally married. Oh, nope. Nope. I know, right? He's so old-fashioned. Can we please just purge? There's an unarmed woman right there. We could go kick her to death.

Doesn't that sound like a better time than listening to you talk about marrying your dad? Hey, man, we didn't give you shit when you married a fat girl. Look, the heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants to spread my dad open in my childhood bed. You guys think Rebecca's fat? It just feels right. We have the same interests. We know so much about each other.

I know he gets along with my family. You know, I remember he used to take me in the backyard as a kid, and he'd throw the baseball around. So maybe after all this time, I make an honest man out of him, and I teach him how to catch for a change. I'm kind of losing my purge boner here. Look, the wedding is tonight, and I want you both to be my groomsmen. We've been purging together for years, and I can't think of anybody I'd rather have by my side

as I walk the man who taught me how to walk up the aisle. Uh, yeah, I don't know what to say here, man. We'd be honored. Really? No, you weird asshole. Get the fuck out of here dad banger you're out of the purge gang come on let's go fuck someone up jesus all right yeah purge i'll get it back man forget you guys i don't need you i thought you were my friends Before I make this union complete, if anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace. I object!

We're not going to sit here and let this man we've known for years stand in front of all these people in a house of God and marry his fucking dad without us standing next to him. Then by the power invested in me by the new founding fathers of America, I now pronounce you Guy in Bloody Ronald Reagan Mask and father. You may kiss the dad.

I knew you'd come. I'm sorry. Hey, nice to meet you. Sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, nice to meet you. Sorry, I'm dad. Oh, dad. I'm going to get you pregnant tonight. Happy Purge night, everybody. When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay.

Yeah, one of the best parts about doing the show is every once in a while we trick a famous person into coming to our terrifying home. And they always realize half a second too late, they made a terrible mistake oh for sure so so in this episode jeff ross brings a buddy uh from out of town that he is uh ostensibly uh to uh show a good time to uh and uh rather than hey let's see what john mayer's up to or what do you say we go just sit down at a five-star restaurant just without like it's nothing no he decided to take him to our house to watch us tell bad stories to him for an hour and a half he also got to watch jeff very absent mindedly just give tom a sandwich just like oh yeah i brought food because that's what an adult would do and tom just reacted like he was just gifted like a clearance of his student debt oh

yeah like dolby with the pill i mean dolby i was thinking of thx harry potter yeah i mean there's a lot of sandwich history between me and jeff Dolby with the pillow. Dolby? I was thinking of THX. Gobby in the pillowcase from Harry Potter. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of sandwich history between me and Jeff. Yeah. We don't have the time to get into that. We don't. But yeah, so Jeff came in. He pulled the jag up and basically probably got us robbed in the future after they saw that.

Oh, yeah. You saw the line of like ne'er-do-well children across the street just looking over their porch like, we will rob these things. Oh, yeah, like Fagin's acolytes. Started heckling him immediately. Oh, yeah, for sure. So, yeah, enjoy Jeff talking about his experience with his old buddy, Mike the Situation Sorrentino. Hey, Mean Boys.

This is Biggity Bob up in NorCal. I got a message for Jeff Ross. On my question for Jeff Ross, which is, did you really think that you were going to save Mike the Situation Sorrentino from getting heckled by that crowd? Anyways, love you guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yeah.

Did you? Okay. There's no more upsetting. Yeah, this is Bob. I got a message for Jeff Ross. It's Biggity Bob. It. Did you? Okay. There's no more upsetting. Yeah, it is Bob. I got a message for Jeff Ross. It's biggity Bob. It's biggity Bob. Biggity.

That had the tone of like some slurs are coming next. It wasn't that I wanted to save the situation or thought I could save the situation. It's that I was trying to save the show. Right. Because Jezelnik, his first roast, he was on like in one more spot. And I had a personal interest in wanting my friend to see what do well on his first row Yeah, yeah, plus I was a producer on the show. I didn't want to see as people sort of booing Yeah, I don't want it to turn into a fucking rodeo. Yeah, and also I was coming up at the end

Yeah, so I was just protecting the walk into a shit room integrity of the room No, I think that made I think that made it better. Like, you doing that was a good audible. Because, I mean, it was just kind of a hairy situation. It's like, someone's got to do something, you know? Yeah, you can't just let that sit and then do the show. Yeah, yeah. And you're kind of the authority or whatever. Like, if anyone's going to go up there and do it, it should be you.

Right. Yeah. So, yeah. Shout out to Mike, the Situation, who I saw recently at the MTV Video Music Awards. Oh, yeah? How's he doing? And it was good to see him. He was very happy to see me.

He was with the Jersey Shore cast, so he was definitely feeling his mojo. And he said he now finally recognizes that he didn't do well. That night, he thought he killed crushed it bro he's like i said man i was out of my comfort zone i stayed in there i didn't break i was like wait that's all that it matters it's like that you tried it but i guess so you know i wish i had that confidence i wish i had that cocaine i don't know i mean i guess if you're that dude you you're like, I'm never going to have to do this again, you're like, what a fun excursion into trying a thing for me. Yeah, yeah.

You know what? He was in a moment of his life where he was on the number one TV show, and everything you do kind of matters to people, and he tried roasting. So shout out to Mike the Situation Sorrentino. I do like using his full name. It feels like he might be listening. He might have that little going on at this point. He has a lot going on.

He's doing good. No, yeah, the Jersey Shore is back. Okay, I'm sorry for besmirching the situation. He's got his own line of marinara sauces, probably. That seems like something he'd have. It's also good for lube. You can tan with the Alfredo. It's a perfect tanning glaze.

Have you ever thought, why can't I vape marinara? He started his grandma's fettuccine vape products for the situation. All right, we got one more for me. These fucking clowns are making fun of me on their podcast. In the meantime, I'm in my fucking Jersey Beach house. As soon as I figure out what a podcast is, I'm going to be real upset. I'm in my six-year-old Lamborghini

still trying to get girls at bars to remember the show I was on while they were in middle school. Developing prescription drug problems and doing infomercials. Snooki won't answer my calls. I'm the new ShamWow guy over here. Can you believe it?

I'm perfect. Oh, you come on the hooker's back? No, you didn't? There. Evidence be gone. All right. Hey, speaking of Jews, this is a little Anne Frank sketch. And weirdly enough, we ended up roasting Anne Frank with Jeff for the historical roast TV show that's coming out this May, I believe, on Netflix.

So stay tuned for that. And another little quick sketch about God, who might be showing up on that show as well, that we had a little part in writing. So please enjoy these two quick ones. And now, Anne Frank tries Dad. So you just heat it up and I just inhale, right? Okay. Is that too much?

Hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up. Oh, fuck. That was Anne Frank Drives Dads. And now, God Watching the News. We're live on the scene of the devastating earthquake, talking to one young woman who lost her home. Fatma, how are you holding up? We have no possessions left, no clean

water. Everything we've worked for is gone. What god would let this happen? Oh, sorry. I stopped five new kinds of AIDS and a racist Godzilla last week, but nobody ever talks about that on the news. You know what? That's it. I'm making 12 new YouTube stars and I'm keeping this Tide Pod meme going

for another month. Suck my dick. That was God watching the news. I think we can all agree giving yourself a nickname is the lamest thing a human can do. I mean, what kind of asshole would give themselves a nickname like the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake? I don't know, man. I don't know. If only Tom could fight them. I know. Yeah.

We had a lot of fun with our East Coast counterparts over at the Gas Digital Network this year. They were very gracious to us when we were in town. You know, got a lot of listeners from us. You came over from Gas Digital. Shouts out. But Keith has had this idea forever. I think before we'd even met Lewis. Before I met

Lewis, when I first heard of Skankfest as a concept, because I got invited out there before I'd ever met Lewis or really knew who Lewis was, and when they told me this dude was called the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, first of all, I laughed for a while. Then I immediately went, there needs to be a game called Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake, where I just list a violent crime and you have to decide if it was a Puerto Rican or a Rattlesnake. Yeah, yeah. Which is just clever enough to get away with how wildly offensively racist it is.

Yeah, special shouts out to the Creek and the Cave audio team, consisting of nine guys, each of which knew less than the other about electronics. Oh, man, go listen to this whole episode if you want to hear the audio quality get worse and then totally blow it on the Comptown guys. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it was a lot of fun. Yeah, we- You guys sold it out.

That was one of the coolest things ever to be on the opposite side of the country and have a room full of mean boys' heads was really cool. Yeah, it it was a lot of fun. Yeah, we were. You guys sold it out. That was one of the coolest things ever to be on the opposite side of the country and have a room full of mean boys' heads was really cool. Yeah, it was dope. We love Louis to death. This is one of our favorite things we did live. So check out Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake. Louis brought up some old racism versus young racism shit. Let's keep young racism alive.

This is a game we made. This happened before Louis. Oh, right. Yeah. We've been excited about this for a long time. They call it the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. This game is called Puerto Rican or Rattlesnake. You don't have to tell us what Keith tells you has been done by a Puerto Rican or a rattlesnake.

We have some stories of violent crimes. Let's see who did which one. All right, I love it. All right, beautiful. All right. Number one. A family of blank were found secretly living in the attic of a Miami high school. I think that was just Lewis. I think that was just something that you did.

Hey, Ross, can you Skype me in from Miami? Miami, Miami, Miami. You know what? There's not as many Puerto Ricans in Miami. I think there are rattlesnakes in Miami, so I'm going to say rattlesnake. Fair enough. Tom, talk. I'm going to say...

What was this gay pinky jab you did? Hold the microphone to the phone. I'm thinking of a word. Shut up, faggot. I know two Puerto Ricans. One's behind me and one lives in Miami, so I'm going to go Puerto Rican. You said one's behind me like you were letting him know you knew. I'm going to say that is a rattlesnake.

Correct answer. That was snakes. Yeah, you got me. I'm right. I'm always right. Number two. All right, we'll see. A blank got away with a robbery by swallowing the money.

I thought he was going to get away. Alright, we'll see. A blank got away with a robbery by swallowing the money. I'm a serious person. Hey, money's not kosher. I do want to make one rule clear. Some of these are just snakes. I couldn't find a rattlesnake specific for all of them. Ooh, swallows the money. This is no one's life. Rattlesnakes aren't big enough to eat money. I don't think I rattlesnake specific for all of them. Ooh, squalls of money. Just so no one's like, rattlesnakes aren't big enough to eat money.

I don't think I'm a big snake fan. I do like a snake that's got like the midsection of a cartoon of a dollar sign robber bag. That'd be pretty sick. What was it? Oh, sorry. Oh,

I gotta say it's a Puerto Rican. What, was it robbing a mice store? Like, why would, why would, you mean a pet store, Tom?

Sure, yeah. Maybe there's a, a pet store, Tom? Sure, yeah. You know, there's a store that's just so nice. Well, maybe there's a pet store that's very mouse-specific. You don't have to judge the pet owners. I feel like any store you go into is a mice store. Yeah. You go out there to the mice.

Why do you think his coat is so lumpy? He's got a whole team in there. You look like you tried to dress up like a mouse tonight and failed. A little bit, yeah. I mean, you do look like you've been giving gum like a mouse tonight and failed. A little bit, yeah. I mean, you do look like you've been giving gumption to CatDog all day. I'm going to go snake. I don't know how this happened, but I'm going to go snake. All right.

What was your guess? Yeah, dude, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm really using my powers of deduction here. Puerto Ricans are very smart and very You know, always eating currency. Resourceful, and yeah, I think that's a very Puerto Rican move to swallow the money after a run. Incorrect, it was a snake.

Here's the thing about snakes, they're very smart, they're very resourceful. Well, this really fucks up my whole Puerto Rican piggy bank business plan. Number three. A blank choked an Instagram model to death. Looks like my whole Puerto Rican piggy bank business plan. That would be a hit. Number three. A blank choked an Instagram model to death. This is Lewis in three hours.

He'll run. Did you read my bio? You don't have a bio. Oh, shit. I mean, I feel like posing with snakes is not like a hot girl thing. I feel like Britney kind of killed that on the VMAs for everyone for all time. So I got to say that that is a Puerto Rican. What a shitty 90s reference. CatDog, the Britney Spears VMA.

I'm going to do a BuzzFeed article all of a sudden. I think this service was provided by a snake. A service? Closed captioning brought to you in part by snakes. You know what? No matter who did this, I've got to be honest with you, she probably deserved it. That was a snake, and it was a dude.

A dude snake? Or the person being choked? I don't want to misgender a fucking pipe. You should read the articles closely. Okay, Toss. Number four. A blank bit the head off of a chihuahua. I don't know.

Well, Louis didn't do his clothes of the night, so he didn't give this one away. Yeah, I'm going to say that that's definitely a Puerto Rican. It was a losing dog. Was it a dog fight? It was like, not in my house. Like Ozzy Osbourne did with that pigeon.

Remember? There was a pigeon in the meeting and then a bat on stage. Wait, he's eating a pigeon? I can't believe you guys didn't all know Ozzy Osbourne trivia. That stupid fucking asshole. Tom bites the heads off pigeons, okay? Me and pigeons are copacetic.

I'm going to say... Yeah, I'm going to say Puerto Rican. Connor, your guess? Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. But that's who all of us deserved it. Yeah, I'm going to say Puerto Rican. All right, Connor, you guys? Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Hey! We got one more. But that's who all of us deserved it. Which is the following.

Killed three people, then hid in a child's closet in Rhode Island. Puerto Ricans are afraid of the dark. I know this. Yeah, but they're more afraid of the Jew. We heard that from something. Sorry. Do they allow Puerto Ricans in Rhode Island? Isn't that where like it's just... Is it just motherfuckers on yachts

just doing coke and fucking people against their will? I thought that was Rhode Island. Yeah, they wouldn't put Puerto Ricans on the drugs and rape island. Yeah, yeah. You pull into the turnpike and they got like paint swatches and they're like, all right, you got to come with me. You got to investigate. Yeah, I thought it went on.

Okay, here's what they found out about Puerto Rico. They make you do that knife finger thing and if you go fast enough, you're like, ah, you got to go. We're sorry. It's a pretty white state from my understanding. I'm going to go snake. Okay, I'm going to go snake. Yeah, I almost feel like it's also a state where one out of every three dudes own snakes. That does seem like a snake purchase. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm definitely going to say snake. Sorry to say you're all wrong. That was Puerto Rican. Oh! Somebody had a pet Puerto Rican? You can't leave the cage open, man. That resourceful. Yeah, yeah.

And they ate his wallet. Yeah, it was the whole thing. All right. We're going to wrap this game up. Yeah, yeah. And it ate his wallet. Yeah, it was the whole thing. All right. Before we wrap this game up, you can see Lewis outside sunning himself later. This one's a little bit different. This is a speed round.

This is just for Lewis. I'm going to read you some names. You're giving us Adderall? Sweet. What's up? You have to tell me if this is a breed of snake or a Puerto Rican rapper.

All right. Breed of snake or Puerto Rican rapper. All right. You ready? Go. River Jack. Rapper. Snake. Ivy. River Jack. Rapper. Snake.

Ivy Queen. Snake. Rapper. Ivy Queen. Temperamento. Temperamento. That's a rapper. That is a rapper. Maybe a Harry Potter spell, too. I don't know. Tick Palunga.

I think that's just the guy that killed Lewis' dad. Tick Palunga. It's in the Bronx somewhere. You feel my father prepared to die. I'm looking for Tick Palunga. He has six fingers on one hand. Puerto Rican rapper.

That is Snake. Fuck! Midget Fader. Midget Fader? Yeah. That has to be a Puerto Rican rapper. That is a snake. Fuck! Midget Fader. Midget Fader? Yeah. That has to be a Puerto Rican rapper. Sure is, and that's a fucking snake. Midget Fader is the worst music magazine.

They only get to tiny artists. Dusty Pigme. Is that your nickname? That's a snake. King Rat. That's a snake. King rat. That's his nickname. That was no snake. That's a snake. That's one. Lin-Manuel Miranda. No, I'm just kidding. All right. That's the guy who did Hamilton. That should have been funnier than it was. That's it for Puerto Rican announce. Thank you so much for coming, man. Let's hear it one more time. Let's hear it one more time. We can just get into the real-life podcast.

You're nice to me to come to the stage. One of my favorites. Very funny to me if you guys have heard it on the Comptown Podcast. Clap your hands right now for Nick Mullen, ladies and gentlemen. Nick Mullen. So this next one was inspired because I was in New York for the first time and I was depressed. And I like to imagine what if I talked about it to a New Yorker? And that's pretty much what the sketch is.

You said that so convincingly like you were going to make some bigger point that me and Connor were like, go on. No, no, no, no, no. I was surprised I was able to say that much. But yeah, that was, yeah. Here's a little sketch I wrote about, I love, depression's always a funny thing to write about. It's one of my favorite things. Oh, hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah, you know. Despair. What's better? Yeah, just the absence of empathy towards it. Oh, the difference between men and women? Boring. Well, this is one of the-

The void, on the other hand? Yeah. Well, this is another one of the four mean boys sketch formulas, which is existential dread plus funny accent. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I'm the sweetest chef, and I made an exit bag with 4chan instructions.

Ergy-dergy, my wife is dead. The feeling of emptiness is my woman be shopping. I'm always going to go back to it. Women be leaving. Yeah. For Tom. Oh, God. For Tom, cutting is like fucking a stool.

It just comes naturally. All right. So here's New Yorkers versus depression. The Mean Boys Podcast presents New Yorkers Who Don't Understand Depression. So I'm walking down the street with my bag of groceries, and this guy goes, Hey, where'd you get that watermelon? I was like, Hey, mind your own fucking business. That's right.

Mind your own fucking business. That's right. Mind your own fucking business. You asked me about while Melanol popped you upside the head. Upside his fucking head. Because I'm from Brooklyn. Fucking Brooklyn. Hey, Greg, it's Lil Pete. How's it going, Lil Pete? You commit a hate crime today yet?

Oh, no. I've just been kind of minding my own business lately. What's the matter? You think you're better than us minding your own business? Yeah, beating your own head and shit like the Dolly frickin' Llama over there? Yeah, where you think you is, a petting zoo or something? Uh, no, no, I just, um, I had to drop out of college a couple weeks ago. Oh, Pete, stop bragging about your reading. Yeah, books aren't ladies.

Why are you opening them to pay attention and shit? Uh, no, I just got, I just got too, uh, you know, depressed and I couldn't, I couldn't focus on my, on my studies. You hear this guy having the confidence to just walk away from his future? He said studies. What are you, from fucking China or something? Stop speaking in words Japanese people use. Japanese people use those words. You think Japanese people are better than me?

I don't, I'm not even, it's nothing like that. It's just, it's been so so it's been too much to handle since um since Tina and I uh oh look who's bragging about his love life we get it you got a lady who makes you feel like a man my my head keeps spiraling and I I don't know what to do now he's talking about his knowledge of geographical shapes. There's just like a ringing in my head and in my heart, and it just won't fucking stop no matter what I do. What are you, going to be a doctor now?

You think you're too good to just be in the septic business, you mook? I just wanted to stop. I just needed to fucking stop already. Look at this guy saying stop like he's a fucking construction worker putting up traffic signs. Because he thinks he's better than us. He thinks he's better than us. Goodbye, cruel world. Greg, you hear that? Yeah, he said goodbye all hoity-toity and rich.

He thinks he's upper class. You ain't upper class, Lil' Pete. You're nothing from nowhere, you hear? Holy shit, on my mother's fresh-baked calzone. You see that? Yeah, Lil' Pete is bragging about how good his medical insurance is, so he shot himself in the fucking bean. Shot himself in the fucking bean. Little cocksucker. Little cocksucker. Cock smoker. Smoking a cock.

Gay. Oh, why are you guys sighing right now? Is it because I have great ideas? It sure is. Are you talking about your suicide attempts or the ice cream thing that you're about to waste everyone's time with? Yeah, okay. We were out in Philly. We were recording with the, I guess, Shane Gildos.

Sean Gildos, I think. Gildo Baggins. And I brought to you the attention of this business formula. I brought to you the attention of. Every time I talk to you, I'm like, have you spoken out loud before? You talk like a sewer mook who's trying to represent himself in court. If it pleases the constitutionalaries, I'd like to make my own defendables. Objector.

I declare. What? my own defendables. Objector. I declare. What? Declare it. Ladies and dudes of the Judy, I would like to tell you about, do you want to be on the ground house of a wonderful Baz Nose? Well, the brain that brought you all those sentences, Tom, just said also brought one of the greatest business opportunities I've ever heard about. And by the way, still looking for funding.

If there are any venture capitalists that listen to the show, and I know there are. Yeah. Oh, many, many. Mark Cuban listens to every episode. Yeah. What's a fucking Mitt Romney's company? Bain Capital. Bain.

Oh, yes. Bain Capital. Yes. Even we think this is a bad idea. No, no. Hard Vanilla. What is that even? What could go wrong? Oh, gosh. Anyway. Yeah. Oh, sorry. bad idea. No, no. Hard vanilla? What is that even? What could go wrong?

Anyway. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Oh, yeah. No, you go. No, yeah. So anyway, this is our, my ramblings about a zone of cone out in Philadelphia with guest Shane Gillis.

Yeah. Or as I like to call it, shart tank. Enjoy. I'm a cone. I get it People gotta move away from the cone Cone zone Welcome back to the cone zone podcast

That is my idea for ice cream parlor And what it'll be instead of advertising the ice cream We're gonna make different stylish kinds of cones Oh yeah Tom You wanted to have like Ooh you can get a peanut butter cone Or like a waffle cone Or like a chocolate cone.

We're talking new experimental. This is brand new. Like, an all-vanilla fucking all-vanilla cone. No actual cone in it. Just a cone shape made out of hard vanilla. Wait, Tom. Tom. Tom.

Thomas. Vanilla what? Huh? Stuff. Tom, what do you think vanilla is? Like you make a mold out of white chocolate. But that's not vanilla. No, I was thinking it was like...

White chocolate is vanilla. There's no such thing as white chocolate. No, there is. You're like straight up wrong. You're absolutely incorrect. Tom, you're going to be mad. Well, Tom, you can go Google that. I was walking away from the show to Google the process of white chocolate baking.

Tom, that is one of the... Tom is kidding. You ever said said Wednesday is white chocolate white chocolate just vanilla all you're thinking of is vanilla

and also vanilla is not like a solid product yeah and it's just a flavor it comes from a leaf or something a bean

oh yeah a bean you know one of them fart leaves tell us what a great thing you require. Because you're making a face like you're not finding proof. What are you Googling? It's something.

Child porn, not being said. He's Googling something that's not in the way. So it is, there's cocoa in it, but it's usually, it's cocoa and vanilla. It's flavored with vanilla, right. I'm not disputing that, but it's not a brick of vanilla. Well, no, it's... It does not exist. That's what you are. It's base.

It's base. You made a fucking hard vanilla. Yeah. Hard vanilla from the Tart Gorilla. Also, taste-wise, it's closer to vanilla than chocolate. I'm not wrong on this one. You're not correct. You're wrong.

There's a cocoa base in it, but it isn't chocolate. That was the argument. Right. Cocoa. It's a piece of chocolate. Not a piece of hard vanilla. Tom, take me out, my dude. I was like, you can't smell vanilla without two bells.

Well, yeah, dude, you're like, oh, we're going to have new exotic cones. Like what? Vanilla. Most exotic. What else? That's it. Okay, just one big sprinkle that we hollow out with a machine lathe to shape into a cone. I'm going to make the world's biggest sprinkle.

The biggest sprinkle as big as your head. That's the cone zone. Would you guys, like, when we eat chocolate, at most events. We get together as boys and eat chocolate together. We go crush some marshmallows. When we get done with the show, we just fire up the fondue pot. Yeah, so once again, we write sketches every week. I like that you say that before every sketch.

Because you're really just spinning the wheels. Sometimes I write sketches, and this is one that I wrote. There's not a lot of insight behind it besides, I want to try to make this funny. Yeah, this is one of my favorite ones you wrote. I gave no information. Well, yeah, it's one of my favorite things to do is just kind of take the most like innocent thing and then thinking, what is the darkest turn possible? And that is that is how we reached the Sleeping Beauty sketch. I have found her my lord she's so well preserved my love how are you still this wet?

My savior. Oh, what the fuck? Wait, were you fingering me? No, madam, I was simply... Oh my god, you pervert! You tried to enter me before the kiss! No, I'm not a pervert, I swear! Well, the dragon didn't do it,

and unless you're telling me I was masturbating in my sleep, you minimum stuck a pinky in me. Look, look, look, look, look. It wasn't malicious. It's not what you think. You are a raper, sir. A straight-up raper. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look, look, look. I thought you were dead. What? What are you talking about? I thought you were dead. I fuck dead people. It's my whole deal, so I wasn't taking advantage of you, madam.

No, you were just trying to fuck my corpse. Look, I didn't think your soul was in there. It's fine. Oh, great. I waited for a savior for a couple hundred years, and the only one who does save me is a fucking necrophiliac? Oh, I'm sorry, but I just saved you from a fucking necrophiliac oh i'm sorry but i just saved you from a fucking dragon and all you've done is complain people wonder why i'm more into dead people maybe because they're not constantly yelling at me for shit i didn't even do on purpose oh my god the world women live in it's truly repulsive don't try and throw that me too

shit out there say what you want i fuck dead men too oh shut up shut up shut up here's an idea maybe be mad at the person who killed those people i fucked that seems like it's who the bad guy is i've never heard of fly i'm not a villain just because i like to crush cold butt okay i i get it i'm i'm judging you and i shouldn Oh, and you're welcome that I saved you. Thank you for saving me. Really, I'm sorry I reacted this way. It's okay. It happens all the time. What are you doing?

Why are you taking that off? You did save me, after all. I thought maybe, you know, we could... Oh, no. No, no, thank you. Wait, what? I told you, you're really not my type. Because you know I'm alive?

Yes, that. What a piece of shit! You were just about to fuck me anyway! Yeah, and then you woke up and ruined it. Well, I'm sorry, I'm not a gay dead man corpse. I don't care whether they're gay when I fuck them as long as they're dead. Ugh, you're so hangry. Have a Snickers.

Better? Way better. Okay, let's fucking do this. Tired of your new significant other not wanting to penetrate you because you're not actually dead, but instead were put into a deep enchanted sleep by a witch and he exclusively fucks dead bodies?

Give him a Snickers. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, your butthole is so alive Satisfied I'm gonna splurt Speaking of Tom sketches Yeah, this is a hallowed tradition The Mean Boys history of cinema Yeah, so we kind of explained the history of it in the actual clip So we don't have to give the whole story

But basically Tom did a sketch so on paper bad that we almost didn't air it during the first Snark Week, and it became one of our most popular segments. A smash hit. Yeah. Nothing is worse on paper than me. You should not rely on the paper. Well, yeah, you don't pee on it. You pee on the floor.

It's like, why don't we put the papers down for you? And as soon as it touches you, it turns clear like a fucking burrito bag. But anyway, yeah, it's become one of our most popular things to do, and we actually did, we haven't done a ton of live sketches, but the ones we've done have been fun, and this one was at Halloween, our live Halloween show in Los Angeles. So please enjoy the live Halloween

edition of the Tom Goss History of Cinema. Alright, so we're doing the worst segment of the show live right now. Hang on, let me set this up. So about a year ago, once upon a time, I had three minutes to write a sketch. If you say about a year ago, once upon a time. I had three minutes to write a sketch. And then we argued.

In a galaxy far, far away, three miles from here. Then we argued on whether or not we would actually put the sketch on air for maybe 90 minutes. Yeah. And now we're doing a live version of it for you guys. Is anybody familiar with the Mean Boys history of cinema? Yeah. You hear how unenthusiastic that applause is, Tom? So for anybody who's not familiar, here's the deal.

Tom wrote the worst sketch in history where he goes through cinema, which sometimes includes an episode of a television show. And one time I think included like a shirt or something. It was the Backstreet Boys, the beginning of the Backstreet Boys. That's right. Yeah, that classic piece of cinema, a band. And that classic band, the Backstreet Boys. The rules for this sketch are Tom's allowed to do it, but he has to do every single voice himself.

And we do the music and sound effects, and he gets no do-overs. Now, none of us have read this script until right now. We're going to break it down, page one, page two, page three. So I'll do all the music and sound effects for page one. You do it for page two. Connor, you're page three. And feel free to comment upon what Tom has done. So if you're doing page one,

he's doing page two, and I'm doing page three, who's going to give everyone their money back when they leave as soon as we start doing this? I'm pretty sure at least four of these people snuck in. So we're fine. You know who you are. Alright. Also, this was your idea. Never mind. I'm excited. Don't break the fourth wall, asshole. Fail.

Are we ready for the Mean Boys History of Cinema? Pretend you want this. And now for another Mean Boys History of Cinema, where we take the greatest works of cinematic history and then explain the beginnings of their name. Fuck. And now... You wrote this. And now for your first film, Ghostbusters.

Oh, yeah. Give it to me. I am giving it to you. I am a ghost who is giving it to you sexually. Oh, yeah. I hope my husband doesn't come home early hey it's your husband it says i'm your husband you dumb shit why are you sleeping with that ghost i asked you not to me. Oh no! I already busted in her! And I busted

you! It's Ghostbusters! They better not do one where I'm a lady! Ghostbusters! And I want to point out before we move forward, the stage direction here simply says, singing Ghostbusters, no lyrics. Which, how?

That's rule one of singing a thing. Amazing! That one worked on two levels. Busted, I caught you and busted and come. Truly beautiful. Oh, but don't get too scared.

But don't get too scared yet. This cost $10. Because the next film coming at you is Get Out. You may know it from being out last year. Hi, I'm a black guy. I hope that's okay. Hey, I'm a white guy. Get out.

Hi. That was Get Out. Get out. Wow. What a long film. Just the way the movie was supposed to be. But don't worry. Here comes Beetlejuice. Solid music work you're doing, son.

Oh, hello, it's John Lennon. I love submarines and Asian women. Hey there, I'm... Hey there, John, I'm OJ Simpson. Howdy, y'all, it's me, OJ Simpson. Hey there, I'm expository dialogue I hear you enjoy having a wife

Me too I hope no one fact checks that Oh crikey, there's a baby stuck in that laundry machine Quick With my attempt With my strength, with my strength and your ability to be annoyingly British, we can save

the baby. It's a gun. Out to joy, we saved the baby. Did you see that? That beetle and the juice saved the baby. Thank you. Beetle juice. Beetle juice. Beetle juice. Oh, whoops. I accidentally killed the baby. Never say my name three times.

Here's where it gets really dumb. So that was beetle juice. So that's how Michael Keaton got his start. Amazing! But we aren't done yet. For our final film, we have the origin of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Now, it's very important, real quick, that you all know he spelled Reese's R-E-E-C-E-S. Like thick and feces, but he also wanted some candy. Hey, I'm a man who enjoys only circular candy. Oh, me too. Would you like to make coitus? Yes, thank you for asking.

Oh boy, this is some good coitus. Yeah, coitus is real good. Oh, quick, where should I pee out my nut butter? In this cup Perfect The stage direction there was wild man orgasm Also, where was the lady voice for Ghostbusters? Don't judge me

Oh, shit, I lost my place How? In this cup. I think you can figure out what happened. Perfect. You can't find it. Hey look, I peed nut butter into that cup. You should call that candy that's round and call it that.

You're right. I will now invent the peanut butter cup. That was Mean Boys History of Cinema. Thank you for listening. We will be ruining the podcast with this segment again during Snark Week. Up, up and away. One more time for professional writer Tom Goss. And Asad Ahmad, everybody.

Asad Ahmad, everybody. Listen to his podcast, Spoil the Beans. Here's a sketch that you can tell I wrote when I was really frustrated with the concept of television as an artistic. Basically, I'm just like, I can't get an agent better shit on TV because TV is the problem and not me. I think Mo Mandel was like, oh, nice James Corden joke. You know that show that's right down the street that's always looking for writers? I wonder why your career is not going better, Keith. Yeah, so here's nine puns in a row.

Oh, that's it? Yeah, yeah, sure. Here it is. From CSI to CSI New York to NCIS, CBS is America's number one network for police dramas that somebody must be watching. Maybe your grandparents. But it doesn't matter because this spring CBS is doubling down. Get ready for all cops all the time. Monday to date, it's Good Cop, Bad Cop.

One's a law-abiding officer with a passion for justice. The other is a loose cannon with a hair trigger. And if they can work together, they're going to crack the biggest case in town. Can we get you anything, Jimmy? Coffee? Maybe something to eat? Kick rocks, pig. I'm not telling you nothing. Look, we know you didn't kill that girl. All we need to know is who did.

You tell us that, this whole thing goes away. I'm not saying anything without my lawyer. Oh, you want a lawyer? I'll show you a lawyer, you son of a bitch. Listen up, scumbag, because playtime is over. You're going to tell us what we want to know, or you're going to be touching your toes in federal prison by midnight. Then Tuesdays, it's good cop, sad cop.

One is a law-abiding officer with a passion for justice The other is just going through a really hard time since Debra left Just tell us what we need to know and this whole thing will go away, Jimmy I already told you, I'm not telling you anything until... I'm sorry, is he okay? He's just been looking out that window for like ten minutes Hey partner, you alright? It's springtime, but

every day feels like winter without her. Hey buddy, come on. It's gonna be okay. Let's just focus on our work and get your mind off it, right? I've driven by her house so many times this week, my GPS started calling it home. It used to be home. Poor guy.

Never mind him. Now look, we know you were at the docks, and we know whoever killed Susan was there too, so just give us a name, and then... You gotta play that right now, champ? Then Wednesdays, it's Good Cop, Rad Cop, something something two cops, but one of them

is wearing rollerblades. Listen, Jimmy, we know... Cowabunga, dudes! I'm not telling you anything, but that was pretty sick. Then Thursday, it's Good Cop, Vlad Cop. One is a law-abiding-ah-fuck-it-you-get-it-one-of-them-is-Dracula. I'm not telling you nothing, pig, so you better call my lawyer. Out of the way, blah! I've won to suck a confession out of this son of a bitch!

Holy fuck, you're a vampire! I'll talk, it was-it was- It was Pauly Knuckles. He killed that broad. Let's roll. I don't roll. I fly! That's gotta be way slower than taking a car, isn't it? He knows. He just stopped listening. And don't miss Friday, because it's Good Cop, Good Cop.

Can we get you anything, Jimmy? Coffee? Sandwich? Phone call? Pick up your dry cleaning? Takes to Hamilton? Let you out of jail? Uh, yeah, that last one sounds great Yeah totally no problem Let me just get those cuffs for you I thought you were kidding I can just go?

Yeah of course For real? You guys know I killed a kid right? Yeah we all make mistakes Alright cool I guess Bye? You know you're the best partner I ever had

Yeah I was just thinking the same thing. Oh, yeah, we caught this guy bashing in a toddler's skull right in front of the station. I don't know what you thought was going to happen. Have a seat, Jimmy. Can we get you anything? Fancy cheese plate. Jones soda. Signed photograph of Burt Reynolds.

One of those massage chairs from Sharper Image. Model train set. Kid to murder. Yeah, that last one sounds good. CBS, we're just white noise old people ignore while they wait to die. All right, so this is the dumbest thing I've ever said in my life. From another one of our favorite traditions, the Nice Boys show, where we do one show where we're just really nice the whole show.

That's the bit. It doesn't sound that great, but they're always a lot of fun. Well, yeah, this last Nice Boys was a true descent into madness because Conor shit his pants. Oh, yeah, this last Nice Boys was a true descent into madness because Connor shit his pants. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. Yeah, that's worth listening to for just when I dropped the world's nastiest fart and we have to stay in character while we're suffering through it. At a certain point, I started doing Andrew Nice Clay as a character concurrently.

It really becomes like a comedy bang-bang if it huffed paint out of a bag. It is what Nice Boys is. What if James Adomian got hit in the head? I think the last Nice Boys this is the first episode I ever did high. Oh yeah. Well I didn't mention it until after it was all over. Real hit and miss those Tom Gets High episodes.

Yeah well it turned into you guys riffing up his characters and me thinking about butterflies for a while. It was, yeah. And even Tom High got one over on me pretty good. You'll hear me put my foot in my mouth in this clip from our Nice Boys show this year. A Florida woman married a 100-year-old tree to stop the city from cutting it down. She said the ceremony was tremendous, and she's been pining for an alderman for a long time.

Ah, she's sappy. I like to make a little casserole of puns. That's good. It's like a punfay. You know what? My mom always used to say puns are Jesus's sprinkles. Oh, really? She said that?

All the time. Man. You put them on anything. Your mom is so smart. She's great. Yeah, I love your mom. I want to marry your on anything. Your mom is so smart. She's great. Yeah, I love your mom. I want to marry your mom. Then you would be my uncle.

I don't know if that's right, but that'd be great. Oh, I did the... I did... It's okay. I get confused sometimes i just want to marry your mom and be your uncle you know how God intended it. Oh, no. I did the family math wrong.

Oh, my tummy hurts. Oh, Tom, are you okay, buddy? I'm like crying hysterically. It's been like five minutes now. Oh, Tom, buddy. Oh, no? I'm like crying hysterically. Like five minutes ago. Oh, Tom, buddy. Oh, no, I'm happy. Oh, Tom. She's happy for your uncles.

Okay. Well, I'll go ahead and tell the joke now. That was an understandable misunderstanding. Oh, boy. I hope you like Tom sketches because this is about as Tom as it gets. This actually was created. I wrote this years before this actually was on the podcast. I remember you reading me what became the poetry corner. Oh, yeah.

This used to be when you were just an urban legend that I would try to explain to people and I would make you do tricks for them to sort of get them to understand you. Tom, read the poems. Yeah, like pre-Tom in the house, like when me and you were first hanging out, you showed me this, and I thought it was so fucking funny. This was like a few months into comedy where basically my friend, a female friend,

I went over to her house for Valentine's Day, and then she went on a date, so I was just hanging out by myself in her house, and then I just started writing down, because I had just broken up with a girl at that point. I just started writing bad poetry to kind of cope, and then it ended up being pretty, pretty funny. And so I brought in Mean Boys, and now you're going to listen to it.

Tom's Poetry Corner. Here on the Mean Boys podcast, oftentimes we say a lot of very upsetting things. So we want to take you down to a little lane called a poetry lane uh for tom goss's poetry corner your skin is coarse uneven like a snowy path that is often traveled your hair is thin wispy looking unloved your legs are mostly the shoes you walk in. Short, different lengths, hairy. Your

rear is no more pronounced than your front. Un sensual, unappealing. Your personality is like a salmon swimming upstream, but is not smart enough to realize the rest of the fish are absent. You strike me for no reason, you only smile at my suffering.

But your titties are fucking awesome. Thank you. You are more beautiful than I could ever describe. I can never live without you. Please never leave my side. You give me hope when I'm hopeless. You give me love when i deserve none in a world full of darkness you've become my only son your whispers tickle your shouts soothe

your laughter rings and your words make me move but you're too close to your parents stop telling them about our relationship it's really annoying i'm not dating your fucking mom. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Or are they violet? Orchids are a variety of colors. Some flowers are yellow, except for motivational posters, where a bunch of them are black and white, but one is yellow to teach you about individualism.

I'm talking about flower colors because i'm stalling to say i don't love you anymore i don't know what color daisies are is a piccadilly a flower or is it like a like a flute maybe it's both gerber daisies sound like a diaper brand please don't break all my shit when you read this that was tom's Poetry Corner. And now, back to the podcast. Oh, man. One of our favorite guests of the year was Jessa Reed from the Mormon and the Meth Head podcast,

who told a meth story rivaling that of Keith's childhood. Yeah. Me and Jessa just kind of played that Crocodile Dundee, like, taking out a big knife game. It was dueling banjos of tragedy. It was great. Yeah. Oh, God, why? Well, they can't see the fingering.

Yeah, I know. I thought as soon as I started doing the bit, I realized what a visual joke. It was a molestation joke. Anyway, Jess, it was great. It was a molestation joke. Anyway, Jessa was great. And if you want to hear her... A little bit of improvisational taxidermy, then check out the following clip. Yeah, yeah. I found a dead owl at a...

Hell yeah. No matter what word you say next, that's just the best thing anyone's ever said on Mean Boys. How is that not Tom saying it? He found a dead owl? Are you sure that dude just didn't fall asleep inside the Winnie the Pooh costume? Oh my god. Everyone have in your head what you think the location

of the dead owl is. I have mine. Okay, I'm gonna guess gas station. I'm even gonna write, I'm going to guess gas station. I'm even going to write mine down. I'm guessing gas station. Yeah, I'm going to write mine down. I guess we can just say them. I mean, you'll tell us the truth.

You're not going to say gas station just to seduce me. No, uh-uh. Parking lot of a Denny's. Outhouse. Arby's bathroom. Rest stop. Damn it! That was my second one.

I feel like I got it. Yeah, yeah. You're the closest. All right, I'm the closest. Okay. So I get taken down. What are we dealing with here? The TNA?

My roommate. And by roommate, I mean the guy whose kitchen floor I slept on. Yeah. Takes me down. My roommate. He was a bear. To Mexico to pick up 20 pounds of wheat. That's too much.

Now, why people brought me to do crime i have no idea other than i was so confusing for police that when they showed up with raids and stuff they'd pull me over and you know pull me aside and start asking me questions and i'm like i've been sent here by the collective consciousness to awaken a tribe of and they're like get the fuck out of here go back to waco hippie so i never rolled I never ratted anybody out. So he takes me down. We pick up the weed, and we stop at a rest stop. It's like 11 o'clock at night. And I come out, and there is a bedroom pillow on the sidewalk with a dead owl that is this.

What is it? Two and a half feet? Yeah, yeah. It was a gigantic dead owl. Its talons were the size of my hands. Oh, fuck. And it was still, like, warm. And so I put it under my arm,

and I grabbed the pillow, and I go walking back to the car. Just like a dead animal linebacker. What were you going to do with it? I needed to... I'll tell you in a second. So I walk up to the car, and you can see Tom, like, squinting.

His brain's trying to... But his brain's not like, oh, that's a dead owl. It's like, what the... And I get up, and I... This is a dead... I think it's dead. It might still be alive. Do owls hibernate? Anyway, I got to's a dead owl. It's like, what the – and I get up and I – this is a dead – I think it's dead. It might still be alive.

Do owls hibernate? Anyway, I got to bring it with me. Owls are my spirit animal. This is before – this was like before every basic bitch thought everything. Like you got into like hardcore drugs and then you just got into like at the same time like Tumblr spirituality. No, this was before that. I know. This whole story is her getting

really into crystals the aliens this is the aliens taught me that owls were like there was a pillow or a dead owl you're like owl makes more sense yeah i brought both like i brought probably okay i was just imagining the owl was on the pillow like he was at a funeral yeah i think that's what someone did they found the dead owl or they murdered the owl And then just left him a pillow You should have put it in the pillow So it would look like you went trick or treating Like a fox's house I did

I did when he didn't want it in the car Because I was like I don't know if it's dead or not And he was like Look at the size of the claws on that fucking thing We have 20 pounds of weed in the back of the car The thing's going to wake up and maul us. And so I was like, no, no, here, I got that. And I put it in the pillowcase and tied it because that'll hold Al, right?

Yeah, yeah. So then we get to the dude. So when you're on meth, there are people who just want to sell weed. They just want to sell weed so they can smoke weed. But they have to deal with junkies and tweakers because we're the next level of the shit. It's like when the feds show up at the crime scene and they're like, this is above your head, officer. Yeah.

So the weed guys have to tolerate people like us and they don't want to. You're part of their income stream. We're like Eugene, Oregon. This guy's 40 years old. He has a man cave, like a dorky man cave. Right. And he's in the center couch and then Tom and I are facing each other and we start smoking meth. The weed dude is stoned

and immediately uncomfortable that we're smoking meth. The second I get high on meth, I was like, I got to go get the owl. And then Tom is like, do not get that fucking owl. And then we're arguing and the stoner is ping-ponging back and forth looking at us and trying to figure out,

what does she mean by owl? You come back in all covered in scratches like, all right, well, good news and bad news. Good news, I got into Hogwarts. Bad news, we have to call animal control. Somehow the owl takes you to its house. It's just carrying you like Lord of the Rings. I don't deserve this. We're going to the volcano? What's going on? Bring like Lord of the Rings. I don't deserve this. We're going to the volcano?

What's going on? Bring the owl in the thing. It's got a talon hanging out of the pillowcase. I undo it. I put it on the couch, and then I smoke some meth, and I start. See, my theory was I could bring it back to life. Bring it back to life. Holy shit. So you're shotgunning a dead bird.

Yeah, so I'm shotgunning meth, and then I'm feeling under its feathers trying to figure out where to do the chest compressions. You'd CPR in an owl. This dude has freshly gotten stoned. I guarantee he still tells this story. Mike's just counting out 10 grand or whatever the fuck. Just, oh, this fucking bitch. Why did I bring this fucking bitch? And so I do the math CPR.

It doesn't work, but I'm like, I feel like it's going to work because it would blow its eyes open. Like it would look like a Furby, but with like vape smoke coming out of its eyes. Yeah, yeah. I put it back in the pillowcase. I'm like, better luck next time. From once you came.

Death wanted him more. Holy fuck. I take it home. I weekend with Bernice this owl for like two straight weeks. It's in the fucking little kid part of the grocery cart. Everyone's just like,

oh, this lady with no teeth seems to have found a friend. I'm just propping them up at slot machines. I know, you're just manhandling an owl, and then I'm assuming just scratching all the open sores, just getting just like lice, there's fucking maggots laying eggs in your cheek.

It never decomposed. I think because I like embalmed it. Yeah. It never decomposed. It think because I, like, embalmed it. Yeah. It never decomposed. It didn't steal my car. Yeah, I invented the practice of craxodermy. It's a whole new art that I created one summer. I left it with Tom one night, and I was like, watch the owl.

I got to go. You're bringing it over like it's a baby, so you're like, I got to find someone to watch Ken. You know, whatever. Did it have a name? It didn't. It didn't. I still thought I was going to. I was still shotgunning smoke into it the whole time.

I really thought. Because it never. Okay. So then I didn't put this together because I forgot this story. There's a million stories that people show up. Right. And they're like, hey, I don't know if you remember me, but you told me one time if I let you suck my dick, you'd get the codes to let everyone out of prison.

I forgot when I was on that kick. Anyway, so somebody reminded me of the story. I had forgotten this, but I didn't put this part together until recently. It's a wall and it's like six, seven, nine, three, five. She was fucking like, oh, it's real. Reading tea leaves.

I left, and when I came back, he told me that he met an owl shaman. When you say owl shaman, I'm picturing Al Sharpton. Owl shaman. He's just on MSNBC like, this is disgraceful. What they're doing to the feathered man. He met an owl shaman who gave him some incense but needed the owl. And I did it at the time. I was like, wow, that's awesome.

The incense was probably from the gas station and he chucked my dead owl in a dumpster and just put together some hippie ass words. It went to a little bit at a farm upstate. He started watching me blow his meth into it. Yeah, like, hey, kids, you like Winnie the Pooh? Well, kind of in that same vein. We have a new pet. Don't touch him unless you wash your hands a lot. This next one is an all-time favorite of mine, and it really plays to my least favorite thing thing which is when i know the structure and the

turns in every fucking joke i see uh when i watch other people stand up this is your good cop blank cop oh yeah angry at a medium for being boring yeah just absolutely i did that's my least favorite thing is is boring uh and uh and i also followed i've written jokes with these structures and it's helped me realize that I don't want to do that and I was just mad so I wrote up the stand up generator which is basically just the overall structures of all these jokes

I hear all the fucking time and I'm sick of and it was one of my favorite things I've ever written and so here is the stand up generator alright are you guys having a good time? Chuckle knuckles! All right, it's time for your next comedian, a guy who was on TV 10 years ago

that no one has ever heard of before. Hey there, folks. You might be sitting there going, hey, what's celebrity I look like doing here? But don't worry, I look more like if a noun, verb, and unrespected occupation. I'm part nationality and part nationality, which makes me two stereotypes.

My girlfriend is always doing something reasonable, and I'm always like, if you can do that, I should be able to do something that is upsetting to you. I mean, who do you think you are, name-famous trans woman? You can't just go around doing things men do all the time. You get womanly bodily function. You can't go around doing basic job while bodily function happens to you. If you body function at that job occupation, you might get blood on a noun. I've been trying to lose weight so that group of people who are typically attractive

don't keep mistaking me for group of people who are typically gross. I mean, the other day I was at a place where fat people go, and the person who worked there tried to help me the way they'd help a fat person. I was like, oh boy, I need to start going to the noun to do some verbs. Oh boy, I need to start going to the noun to do some verbs or I'm going to get as large as a large noun, fat. Do you ever try to coitus well, fat? It's a nightmare. You're trying to verb, verb, verb, noun, verb, noun, verb, adverb, verbing noun, adjective verb, adjective noun, verb, verb. And I'm like, hey, if you wanted better, you should have verbed a black guy. Thank you.

I'll be selling my Believe to Achieve shirts after the show. I just want to inspire you. Oh, boy, and here to take us home. We got a lot of pretty legendary misunderstandings on the show. A lot of pretty good Tom embarrasses himself moments. But, man, none better than this one. This is from over on the Patreon. This was behind the paywall for a while.

It still is. Yeah, but it had to be shared. Yeah, this one little clip, especially because, like, honestly, the Patreon bonus episodes, we really love doing them. And this one was the most monumental Tom is a dip shit argument. Yeah. And I don't want to give too much away, but I think just will take us home. Guys, enjoy the Bruce Springsteen moment from our bonus show from out in New York. Did we ever talk about the pump up James thing on the show?

Yeah. Well, I don't think we did. Oh, wait. At one point, me and Tom were getting ready for a show, and we were kind of talking about it. There's certain songs I'll listen to. And I start playing music. Me and Kate got a lot of the same ones. Yeah, I start playing

music that, you know, I listen to before stand-up sometimes, and I'm like, I'm not going to do the real weird ones. I'm going to kind of tame it down. Here's an instrumental from the Requiem for a Dream. No, from The Fountain by Clint Mansell. Oh, it's the same director.

I was close. Yeah, it's the same... But yeah, Tom just listens... Tom listens to classical music from movies from the mid-aughts, and then acts like you're insane. Like, oh, you've never heard The Tempening from fucking Clint Mansell?

You've never heard Hans Zimmer's pet did a dreamworks film well yeah and just like we'll name track titles like it's not just like from that scene in the movie like it's insane and i don't even think it's a bad thing it's just so funny that you treat it like drake yeah well yeah no we when we were in milwaukee a commercial started playing i'm like oh shit i know this fucking band i started rattling off the name that you guys both looked at me like i can't tell if you're fucking with us or not. I was like, no, this is, I actually listen to this group or this artist. I'm very happy for you, but you listen to the most preposterous music.

Sure, sure. No, you do. I mean, I tend to like most of it. Sorry, it's not beach bullshit, but the point is. Well, yeah, Tom refers to anything that i've ever enjoyed as being too surfy well everything everything that has a beat or a melody yeah what that means is still baffling to me because no it's not a beat or melody i listen to fucking rap i don't listen to one song with pixies i have a large palette for music all right and that's just just

because that means that tom has a bunch of cassettes that he has stacked on top of a wooden box yeah yeah i have i have 400 copies of the score from the movie the wrestler i don't have any of the wrestler they had some good music on there that bruce springsteen song from the wrestlers pretty good i i can't even bruce springsteen is garbage he's fucking literally jump off a bridge. You're wrong. I don't think he's as great as people make him out to be, but he's not garbage. He's straight up bad. If you like it, that's fine. Have you ever listened to Brassica?

That's an album about your life, Tom. Just enjoy the garbage. Why is he straight up bad? There's nothing musically interesting that he does. What? Or challenging. He's more of a songwriter, I'll give you that, but he's a good songwriter. The lyrics are about nothing interesting to me.

You listen to music with no lyrics in it. Yeah, that is musically interesting. Yeah, you listen to just vague droning sounds. Here's a song Thomas tried to play. It's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. I don't know really. What do you fuck to, Tom?

Sorry it doesn't have dramatic violin. What do you mean? What do I fuck to moaning? Oh, okay. From who? That's a good question. No, I'm just curious. Do you fuck to classical music?

Because I used to have a bit about that. I don't fuck to music usually. Name a good Bruce Springsteen song. A good Bruce fuck to music usually. Name a good Bruce Springsteen song. Born to Run. Hang on. I'm going to go break down why this song is bullshit. I'm going to stab you in the face.

We've been making fun of my classical music. Have you ever heard this song? No. Name one Bruce Springsteenen song i can't because i changed the fucking channel because they sound like hot trailer trash garbage i listen to the radio so you have very strong opinions about bruce springsteen you cannot name a song by him no because i didn't like recording artists in the past 40 years yeah a man ubiquitous with the

concept of music as an idea no people fucking people, garbage people listen to Bruce Springsteen. I listen to Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, you're a garbage person. You've admitted it yourself. You live in my kitchen, you fat faggot. Hang on, let's listen to this. Yeah, let's listen to a great song. I love this song.

Yeah, let's do it. Hang on. Wow, yeah. Oh, you know what? I was thinking of P puddle of mud. Be honest. If you like it, be honest. If you don't, be honest.

Actually, I didn't know this was Bruce Springsteen. This song, I did not know. Keith is deaf. Keith just knocked over a chair. I didn't know this one was Bruce Springsteen. I wonder, was I thinking... You're gay! It's a suicide rap.

You gotta get out while you're young. Because Tom Goss, he drinks lots of cum. I'm going to be 100% honest. I was mostly thinking of Jimmy Buffett. Everything I was saying about Jimmy Buffett is 100% correct. Yeah, he hates margaritas. He's got terrible frozen entrees. You're on fucking fire.

The engineer is Tom now. You're the dog. The dog is free. Fuck you. I'll start my own fuck Jimmy Buffett podcast. Tom, that is one of the most. free. Fuck you. I'll start my own Fuck Jimmy Buffett podcast. Tom. That is one of the most... We literally... I almost think we need to

recut the fucking best of episode. That's Tom. Fucking Tom. That was so good. Holy shit. Thank you for listening. I have to dig more into his shit to really have an opinion. You're gonna love him. Jimmy Buffett is hot garbage.

I'm going to play you Nebraska. It's a whole album. Yeah, Jimmy Buffett is one of the worst recording artists of all time. Oh, yeah, he's terrible. I thought you guys were talking about Jimmy Buffett the whole time. Listen, Nebraska is a whole album about deaths and suicides and serial killers. Oh, he sounds dope. Listen to Atlantic City.

He sounds dope. Yeah, yeah. We're going to play you Atlantic City. You're going to love State Troopers. East Coast Vegas. Oh, yeah. New Jersey turnpike. Tom is a gay lord. We got to to play you Atlantic City. You're going to love State Troopers. East Coast Vegas. Oh, yeah. New Jersey turnpike. Tom is a gay lord.

We got to get the fuck out of here. He's got a wide butthole. That's where the jizz is stored. Oh, well, that was the best of, guys. Yeah. What a damn year. It's been a fucking wacky one. This one's going to be even more insane.

We've got a lot of goofy shit planned. Oh, yeah. No, seriously. Best year of my life because of you mean boys listeners. Same. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you guys have done a lot for us and we fucking appreciate... Sorry. I've been burped with this whole body. Yeah, you guys, I mean, you know,

you piss me off sometimes, but you do feed, clothe, and give me meaning, so I should deal. Yeah, thank you, tiny gods. Yes. So thanks for tuning in. If you haven't already, clothe, and give me meaning, so I should deal. Yeah, thank you, tiny gods. Yes.

So thanks for tuning in. If you haven't already, tell any sort of at-risk friend you have about the show. This is a good jumping-off point. And, yeah, we can't wait to see what we all do together next, because this show is your show, too. Your fucking voicemails, your fucking comments, your your questions all that shit adds up and fucking influences us and it's this whole beautiful little organism of uh of shitheads that we have yeah i love you know in a world where everything is like sort of i write a thing and then i just put it out there and somebody maybe likes it we have a charming little death cult and it

feels like we've built a weird family and i love all of you oh yeah you guys are awesome and uh yeah here's to uh here's to many more uh many more mean boys and many more best ofs And many more memories together with you Our dear listeners Fuck everything, God is dead Bye.