Mean Boys - EP 176 - Ham Wallet

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

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Awesome start. Can't wait for the next episode to drop. app. Ooh, that sounds great. Tell me about it. Awesome start. Can't wait for the next episode to drop? Well, be one of the first to listen to Mean Boys a day early, only on Himalaya. Himalaya is a brand new podcast. I covered some of this earlier, where you can

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Quippity-tippin', bro. You can do it on Himalaya, which is great. We always appreciate that. Okay, Tom. Close enough. Connor was on on the road and then i have a fever so everyone's everyone's working out here all right tell me more connor this is a pretty funny ad tell me more it's the easiest to use and we're adding cool new i think this is only supposed to be like 30 seconds we're writing cool new features every day go to your app store download himalaya that's h-i-m-a-l-a-y-a for most of our fans yeah yeah spelled like the country you know

what i think that's a i think i just that's a doug stanhope joke so sorry doug like the uh that's in china for most of my fans enough i don't think himalaya cares about no i'm just saying for comedy fans. I have integrity, but it was in the moment. It was an accident. I owned up to it. You tell people when you steal. I love it. And don't forget to follow Mean Boys once you're there. So yeah,

it's fucking cool. It's free, easiest to use, lots of features. I think I've read all of this shit. Yeah, but it's cool. I got it open in front of me and honestly, it's a really nice interface. The Apple podcasting app grows to suck more and more each fucking passing day. I've heard so many of our fans complain about the Apple podcast. It crashes on me all the fucking time.

It crashes. It's slow. It's archaic. And they have the monopoly, and they've gotten lazy. So Himalaya has swooped in, and it's pretty fucking slick. I'm looking at it right now. I got all my podcasts in here. The playlist thing I actually like because then you could say like, yeah, these are all

the episodes with the good Keith's mom stories. They're like, this is these are all the Gareth Reynolds episodes, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Convenience. They're like, if I would love to see like, hey, here's all, you know, Tim Dillon's funniest podcast. I feel like, yeah, I'm a guy to four hour flight.

Every other podcasting platform is stupid for not already having that feature on it. I think that's a great feature. Yeah, I'm going to use the shit out of that. Yeah, no, it's totally cool. And they're supporting the show, and that's how I found out about it, and I just liked it. So that works out great. You get too much transparency here. Anyway, download Himalaya.

Give us a follow. And we're actually going to put out the shows a day early on the Monday-ish. We'll do our best. But, yeah, you might get some early shows. Yeah. If you follow us on Himalaya and the Vans, are they going to be okay with that read? Because I think it's funny. Hey, Mean Boys and Girls, we're back in the trap.

Brand new episode. We're back. It's good to be home. Yeah, right after Clip Show Week. Yeah. I like doing Clip Show Week. I know, it is funny.

Yeah, it's just like, all right, we're all going on sad boy vacation. Oh, yeah, I forgot the scrubs where JD sings that song. So, yeah, thanks for tuning in to The Best Of. I got a new episode

with Just The Boys coming at you right now. Yeah, nice fun one. Nice easing back into the rhythm. Very fun revelation about one of our fans' secret career in the voicemail segment. Oh, yeah. If you thought pizza delivery wasn't actually as erotic as it is in some of your favorite adult films, well, hang out until the end of this one.

It's not delivery. It's disgusting. Hey. Look at this guy. Yeah, we're fucking excited. A very big, mean year ahead of us. until the end of this one. It's not delivery. It's disgusting. Hey. Look at this guy. Yeah, we're fucking excited. A very big mean year ahead of us. We're going out on tour again in the spring,

so if you're not on that tour sheet, fill that motherfucker out. Let us know the closest major city you'd come out to see us in, how many friends you got, and whether or not we can crash on your couch. And we'll put together a Mean Boys show in your neck of the woods. Goddamn right we will. Yeah.

We want to come see you guys. In your big fucking half-bearded, cankly neck. In your neck beard of the woods goddamn right we will yeah we want to come see you guys your big fucking half bearded cankily neck and your neck beard of the woods let's see what's going on in your neck beard of the woods cloudy with a chance of my ladies they're getting the new gundams in it frankincons this week well fedora weather is at an all-time high tom you have an announcement to make oh yeah the uh doug sandov celebrity death pool is over we all, if you remember, we did that from last year. Yeah, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, I forgot about that. I would check it like once a month maybe. Yeah, I totally just, I just got my ass handed to me halfway through the year and was like, oh, fuck this.

I hate this. Yeah, we're not going to do another one just because it takes a slight amount of time for me to set up. It takes dozens of minutes that frankly, I could be better spent pacing and smoking. If you guys want to set up your own unofficial one, go for it. We'll retweet it. You're really cutting into my fidget time.

Oh, no. If someone else wants to organize it, absolutely. It also gives me so much anxiety just holding onto people's money for a whole year. Yeah, sure, yeah. That gives me anxiety. I don't even like you holding my drink, if I'm being honest.

But I'm going to announce the money spots here. I was the high-scoring mean boy. What place did we come in? Okay, so Connor didn't do bad. He tied for sixth. Okay, alright. Respectable. I'm watching how far down

you're scrolling, and it's making me sick. Keith, you got 18th with 24 points. 18th out of how many? 31. Hell yeah. I suck. D plus.

There's a lot of people tied. Oh, so I'm way closer to last. Well, so yeah, Keith, you guys. How many people did worse than me? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Okay. Tim Groeschel got a big zero. Suck my fat dick, Tim Groeschel.

Hey, you did better than the big me. Suck my fat dick twice, the big me. You did better than Claire. Claire, you're cool. Yeah, thanks for the hospitality, Claire. It seems less fun to yell that at a lady. Yeah, thanks for all the cake. Jacob Trimmer, my dad beat you.

Suck my fat ass, Jacob Trimmer. No, they beat you. I'll suck your fat dick, Tom's dad. The snake. Connor and Alex Yorchak tied for sixth. Oh, hey, Alex. What's up, man? I'm looking at your shoes right now.

Yeah, the Yorch. The ones you gave Tom. Yeah, yeah. Fucking Olivia Grace got tenth. Yeah, the Orch. The ones you gave Tom. Yeah, yeah, fucking Olivia Grace got 10th. And then I got 5th. And then KS Schmazels or whatever got 4th.

But that's not a money spot. In 3rd place, Dave Cyrus. Wow, hey. Jew of note. Jew of note. In 2nd place, Canadian Geo. Geo of note. I think I. In second place, Canadian Geo. Geo of note. Geo dude.

I think I know who that is, but I don't want to say in case I'm wrong. And then first place is Tombstoner, who has already emailed me, and I got to PayPal you your money. This is like, hey, bitch, where's my money? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it was before it even ended. Well, Tombstoner has played before. Is Tombstoner even one of ours, or is he just like... I think it was just a ringer. He's one of our... Well, no, I didn't allow anyone who wasn't one of was like... Well, Tombstoner has played before. Is Tombstoner even one of ours, or is he just like... I think it was just a ringer.

He's one of our... Well, no, I didn't allow anyone who wasn't one of ours to... Oh, okay. You made them say their favorite sketch or something? Well, no, you just... How would you know? Because I get to choose who goes in or out, and you'd have to... Well, it's not like Doug Stanhope retweeted it, and anybody that was good at the game could

have joined our league and hustled us. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's one of ours. He closed out in first place with 405 points. Holy shit. I had like 70 or something. To give that perspective, Canadian Geo second place, 201.

Wow. And Dave Cyrus got 132. I broke 100. I got 120. What did I end up at? You ended up in sixth place with 90 points. That's not bad. You got three hits, which is bad. I think all I got was Stephen Hawking.

My big one was Marky Smith from the fall. Oh, yeah. Because I just Googled musicians with cancer. Yeah, I was bummed that fucking LFO guy. I tried to grab him, but they wouldn't let me. Oh, yeah. Whoever got XXXTentacion really came up big. I don't think anyone did. I don't think in our funeral home they Oh, yeah. Whoever got XXXTentacion really came up big. I don't think anyone did.

I don't think in our funeral home they did, no. I had Travis Scott, even though I'm a fan of his, because I'm like, this guy does a lot of drugs. I was really banking on Millie Bobby Brown ODing with Drake or whatever. Oh, man. Here's the thing. Fuck him for being a good father figure. I'm sad that she's alive because it cost me, I don't know, 40 bucks or whatever, but I'm happy she's alive because season three of Stranger Things will probably be good. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Do you want whatever, but I'm happy she's alive because season three of Stranger Things will probably be good. So, I don't know. Do you want money or do you want to be basic? These are the two problems of your life always. If you get two more seasons out, wrap the show respectfully, and then let a river finish. Exactly. First, second, third, $200, $50, $10,

and then $50 once the funeral home due. So hit me up, email me, and then if you could send me just a screenshot so I know that you're actually that person and not trying to pull one over on Tommy G, that would be great. Never, ever call yourself that again. I had a hockey coach that called me that occasionally.

Tommy G? That's okay, though, I think, a hockey coach. Calling yourself that, preposterous. I thought your hockey coach called you sugar tits. They all called me Captain Crunch. Oh, I forgot about that because you ran into people. I hurt a lot of people. You broke bones and stayed crunchy in milk.

Because your gums were always bleeding. Yeah, I ruptured his spleen or something. You ruptured it? Yeah, dude. He pissed blood for like six months. He had to quit hockey. That's when you break and rupture it is you rupture it. I felt really bad

and then I like pitched to like one of the other guys like should I like send him a card? He's like what the fuck is that card gonna say? Hey sorry I broke your back.

Like ooh you're in a wheelchair whoopsies. Picture of Bane with a tear rolling down his cheek. My bad. Well now that we're

six and a half minutes in on to our third piece of business. I'm recording an album. Oh yeah. Yeah I'd like to plug you're like, on to our third piece of business. I'm recording an album. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like the plug. You're like, I want to plug the iTunes reviews. Yeah, I'm recording now.

I'm January 27th in Los Angeles at the Chatterbox, West Covina. The album will be called Partylicious, you fucking idiots. Come on out if you're in the area or near the area. Love to see you guys. It's free. There will be a Facebook event. There will be all the details and stuff on that. All the boys are going to be there.

It's going to be a fun night. I'm excited to see you guys. Yeah, that'll be a Facebook event. There will be all the details and stuff on that. All the boys are going to be there. It's going to be a fun night. I'm excited to see you guys. Yeah, that'll be a blast. And we're also doing our iTunes review challenge where we fucking, once we get to 500, what goes down, Tom? I will be tased at a live show. Now, have we already lost the taser that someone sent us in the mail? No. Okay, good.

Really, where is it? Tell me now. Oh, do one of you guys take it? No. No. Why would I do that? It's by my window. Yeah, I wanted to make a grilled cheese, and I didn't want to wake you up, so I decided

to tase it in my room. Oh, it just sounds like some shit. We're like, we're so clever because we took one of Tom's things. Yeah, that sounds like us. You know us. I love taking all your valuable things. It's me. I sound like this, apparently.

And then we're going to bring it up on the podcast and see that he doesn't know. We've never done that. Tom, what am I going to do? If anything I steal from you, I get poorer. Do you understand? I meant, did you lose it? No. No, I still have it. Okay.

Well, sorry. Calm down, man. That riff got hostile. I thought, hey. We also, everybody. We lose a lot of stuff in this house. It's very dirty. That is true.

Anyway, so yeah, leave us a review so we can tase Tom at our next live event, which will be coming up and being announced soon. San Diego coming soon. OC coming soon. Fucking Nardog2155214 writes, great podcast. Five stars. I love our ruthless three best friends can be to each other. Thank you, Nardog.

Yeah. Of all the dogs we know, you are by far the most gnar. Yeah, you fucking, you gnar wall, dude. Yeah, do that. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Tom's putting up some highlight clips and the vlogs, of course. Excited for more vlogs when we get back out on the road. But yeah, go enjoy some of the slideshows of some of our favorite moments that are now

up there with pictures for you to be visually stimulated by. Yeah, because you need it. Gimbled right in the kim. You got to go have all your dopamine buttons pressed at all times, you filthy millennials. And follow us on all the socials, Twitter and Instagram. Holler at us on Patreon. Weekly bonus

content, $5 a month. You'll hear a little preview clip for that later in the show. And $10 a month, monthly goodies. Calendars are going out. They've gone out by the time this drops. We're just waiting for all the pledges to go through to see whose card didn't get declined. All seven of you that actually made sure you had $10 in your checking account after the holidays.

And yeah, we're doing some key change this month. So those will be sent out in February. February. February. February. Yeah. So with all that out of the way, sit back, relax, and enjoy. This week's Just the Boys edition of the Mean Boys podcast right now.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. New year, new you, new global pandemic that'll kill a bunch of brown kids. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm holding this magic envelope. It says Rascal Flats outside. What is a problem that Keith's gonna have when he learns to drive?

You piece of shit. You just got Carnac the Magnificent. Man, I realized just recently that Carnac got Carnac the Magnificent. Man, I realized just recently that Carnac and Carnac are way too similar name-wise. Me too. I was having dinner with my family over the holidays, and they were like, oh, yeah, like the Johnny Carson bit. And I was like, no. No, it's nothing like that.

It isn't, except for the name, but who cares? The envelope says pain. Let's see what's inside. It says die. Hey, you wrote it on a bus. You want complete copyright fucking freedom on a bus? That's the best you're going to do is close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a lot of what we do is we take something that's already out there and we make it dark and sick. Yeah, let me just take a delete key. Yeah, dude, we're fucking edgy, bro. Like flowers? I paint them black. We have kind of a twisted fucking edgy, bro. Like, flowers? I paint them black. We have kind of a twisted sense of humor, man. Yeah, like, straight up, I got a laptop. I put stickers on it. I don't give a shit.

I don't know about you guys, but sarcasm is just another free service I provide. Yeah, I mean, it's honestly one of my languages on Facebook for a reason. Jeez. Man, I think Walmart t-shirt humor is the lowest form of comedy. Like, under-ra rape jokes and actual rape. Hold up, let me just get out my Cards Against the Humanity game that I think we should all play right now. Wow, what an edgy game. Is there any less fun thing for any comedian to do than play Cards Against Humanity?

No, I've been kicked out of Cards Against Humanity. I would rather play Get a Colonoscopy than Cards Against Humanity. I had to explain this to my girlfriend because we were looking at board games and she's like, I like Cards Against Humanity. I'm'm like here's why it's no fun for me because i'm just in a writer's room with a bunch of retards i'm right every time and then they're like i picked the big black dick is the president people are fucking swine yeah no it's not judged fairly because if it was fairly the game would be over in my favor in five minutes yeah yeah i will dunk on all of you i'm at the batting cages right now.

A non-comedian Cards Against Humanity game? That's like, that's like making, like, Muhammad Ali fight the spider kid. Yeah.

You know? Man, fuck it. Yeah, last time I played Cards Against Humanity, one of the people at the party just looks at me and is like,

maybe I should do stand-up because they were winning and I just wanted to, like, go in the room and strangle their child. Yeah. Yeah,

maybe I should manage an Applebee's and die irrelevant. Yeah, you know what I've done. Yeah. Maybe I should manage an Applebee's and die irrelevant. Yeah, you know what I've done. You know what I've been through to get here. I've met several people who were nominated for Daytime Emmy. You have any idea how many car crashes I've been a witness to? Via Olivia Grace.

Three. Happy New Year, guys. Man, we really haven't... Back in the shit. We haven't really talked that much. How was the holidays, boys? They were Year, guys. Man, we really haven't... Back in the shit. We haven't really talked that much. How was the holidays, boys? They were good, man. Me and Tom went and hung out with a friend of the show, Kyle Clark.

Oh, nice. For Christmas? Yeah, we spent Christmas at Kyle's... Or not me and you, me and my girlfriend. Yeah, I was like, wait, I don't remember that. They look pretty similar. Yeah, I'm just picturing my girlfriend. It's just you in a wig now.

Yeah. You know, we went up to Kyle's. Your girlfriend keeps claiming... Hey, if anyone sees a coyote, be cool. Yeah, I'm just picturing my girlfriend as just you in a wig now. Yeah. You know, we went up to Kyle. Your girlfriend keeps claiming that she's a me-bale child. Hey, if anyone sees a coyote, be cool. Yeah, and it was haunting, Keith. Watching him and, like, three other people just exchange, like, satanic gifts. Oh, yeah? What's a Kyle Clark white elephant look like?

It was just, like, weird, like, earth-cleansing wood and, like, fucking a candle shaped like a skull. It was hilarious nonsense. By the way, he has candy that I'm supposed to give you guys but i may just you know i want nothing from that man ah it feels good to be mean to kyle again for no reason yes no christmas is good man it was uh yeah it was fun you gotta did you light the light up the skull candle what's up did you light up the candle no it seemed like a personal candle uh that's probably like oh yeah well this is for when i'm jacking off to the good shit you know yeah it's when i jack off to weird horror movies from the 70s did i ever tell you about that when i lost my virginity in the big candle what i love the girl

i lost my virginity to she's like oh i gotta get my candle yeah no she's like i gotta get my can i always light a candle and i was like okay and she brings in this big fucking like home depot bucket candle you know and she's like this is the candle that I lit when I became a woman. And I legitimately asked her, wait, so you lit the candle when you got your period? But it was when she got fucked for the first time. But that's what I would assume when I heard that. Yeah, right? You know what I love is that you can tell how much of a whore she is by just how burned

down the candle is. You know what's funny is we left it on that night after an evening of what I can only assume was very mediocre to bad lovemaking. And when you woke up, she had aged 50 years. No! by just how burned down the candle is. You know what's funny is we left it on that night after an evening of what I can only assume was very mediocre to bad lovemaking. And when you woke up, she had aged 50 years. No! Put it back! I'm like trying to...

The candle of Horian Gray! Yeah. Yeah, so I remember just being like, duh. That lady really saved me. It fell on the insult sword for me. You know what I mean? Like if it wasn't for that nice lady fucking me in that trailer, I probably would be a Yu-Gi-Oh! champ.

I think about that sometimes. Yeah, the juggalette who stumbled ass backwards into fucking me. I forgot it was a juggalette. I could have just driven a van into a bunch of women on the sidewalk at some point. Look, I had a fedora at that point. The fork in the road had been reached.

My first girl should have tried harder because I'm still gonna, no, I'm kidding. Yeah, she kind of, because she phoned it in, now people have to deal with you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she,

a mediocre blowjob and now I have three swords in Keith's basement. Somebody needs to just, you know, jump on the grenade and fuck Tom so good he gets health insurance.

Like that if somebody makes Tom come hard enough, he will come adulthood. Yeah, he's just going to, oh man, that pussy was so tight it changed my life. If any of the fans want to come down, light a candle and make Tom a man. My jizz spells out blue cross on the wall. Yeah, it was like Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life were in her vagina, and he absorbed all of its messages with one evening. Your dick just comes out wearing a jacket with tweed patches. Oh, yeah. It's got a weird, the pee hole.

Well, actually, if you look at the statistics, five minutes is a pretty average amount of time. Your dick is just going, debate me. I finger her and pull out a new insurance card. Yeah. Is this your, what? No, that's got your social security number on it. How did that get in there? Gross.

Is that why I was peeing blood the other day, Tom? What's in your ham wallet? How about you? I got to figure you had some kind of ham wallet. Yikes. No, there's the episode title. So I assume you and your family got into some sort of stupid argument over Christmas, right? We did.

We had a big fight about whether or not the snake could watch A Wonderful Life with us on Christmas Eve. Why is that? Are you going to cover his eyes? Well, earmuffs. He's only seven. My little brother was... I don't have ears. How do they hear?

With their tongue or something? They hear from vibrations. If you want to put earmuffs on a snake, you just, I don't know, pick it up. Oh, yeah. You put it in some sort of weird bag. Yeah, some sort of anti-grav chamber. Yeah, I feel like a Mylar. Some floating snake who doesn't understand Christmas.

Yeah, so if you put it in a crinkly Mylar bag, that would be the loudest thing you could do to a snake. Oh, it's the worst. Yeah. Snake torture. Yeah, so there's that. What was the anti-art? Why didn't they not want the snake torture?

My dad was like, why the fuck why were they didn't they not want the my dad was like why the fuck would the snake can't watch the movie and my brother was like but he can watch it with us and he's like yeah but but no that's a dumb thing also there was a lizard right next to the tv of course yeah why why but the snake can't yeah why wouldn't there be also a lizard involved merry christmas from the Goss family? We got to figure out, like, we're doing the seating chart at the Grammys, and we can't put Cardi next to Nikki, so the snake and the lizard, we got to pick one. Who's hotter? Have we talked about the lizard plan for your Tinder profile yet?

Oh, yeah, that's a pretty good one. Yeah, we want to redo Tom's Tinder thing, so his whole bio is just like, I love my dog. I'm a real dog person his whole bio is just like, I love my dog. I'm a real dog person. My dog is the best dog that is a dog. Just a full bio about how much I love my dog. And then every picture is just Tom holding a giant lizard. Yeah.

We got different dog shit with it. I think a different lizard every picture, too, would be ideal. I think the same lizard the whole time, so they know it's my lizard. Yeah, and you got to put it in one of those doily, like like fucking uh rosie the fucking molly pitcher hats no one would ever see you with a lizard and not assume it was your lizard like you look like a guy who has lizards yeah like if i saw you i'm like well he didn't rent that or whatever like that's borrowing this lizard that's the one investment he's made in life how Dude, how well can we Photoshop me holding a Komodo dragon on a leash? I bet you're going to find out by Wednesday.

When you say we, what you mean is me, and the answer is no. I'm just going to be honest with you, no. I'm going to get tweeted some rudimentary versions of you walking a lizard. Yeah, Komodo Tom. Yeah, man. And predictably, I had a very

boring suburban Christmas that was quite nice and nothing funny happened at all. Yeah, man. And predictably, I had a very boring suburban Christmas that was quite nice and nothing funny happened at all. Dude, I saved you for last. No, Opie pointed that, so I was just telling Opie about my Christmas when I saw him the other day, and he's like, wait, so you're telling me you're a millennial and your mom's a yoga teacher and your dad

flies drones? And I was like, well, when you put it like that, I guess that makes my grandpa an avocado and my grandma is fleet foxes somehow. Yeah, and my aunt on my dad's side

can't even. Yeah. Dude, I... Well, back in the 40s there was no vaccine so she still has her leg braces from can't even.

Ah, yeah, she got poliello. Poliello? Poliello. That's when you can't walk and you play the synthesizer? You have poliello? Wheelchair woman. I know.

I'm going to CELO in L.A. That was a Christmas present I got. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I got my parents' Paul McCartney tickets, dude. That was pretty sweet. Oh, wow. Oh, nice. That was awesome.

I was like, hey, suck my dick. Look what I got. I'm going to celebrate the birth of white Christ with the whitest of heads. Yeah, no, it's May, June, back to, I'm about to have a very Caucasian fucking spring. Caucasian. Caucasian. My name's Caucasian. I'm aware of the irony of this.

I fully grasp the humorous nature of my name. Man, speaking of quiche in a weird way, because it's in Caucasian. Sure. I realized recently, anytime I go to an event and they're just giving out quiche, even though quiche is not a fancy food, I get impressed. Oh, yeah. I feel like I did something good to end up in a place where quiche is. Oh, like when you go to some place and they're like, oh, they put out the special soaps. Yeah.

I got special soap friends. Yeah. I went to the New Year's party at Jeff Ross's house, and it was not even like fancy quiche. It was just like Kevin Skeeney just took quiche out of the oven was like i don't know you want one and i was like i'm coming up in the world dude yeah my family makes quiche every christmas and i fucking hate quiche yeah yeah it's just with a pie of eggs go fuck yourself i love it there's no world where i thought you'd be pro quiche no yeah well my grandma's like just getting too tired to really she still cooks but she shouldn't be you know what i mean like

she's not it's she's like she's mentally very sharp but it's just like too tired to really. She still cooks, but she shouldn't be. You know what I mean? She's mentally very sharp, but it's just like, you've done about 80 years of this. Let's just go to fucking Marie Callender's because your heart isn't in it anymore. Yeah, we're in the back nine on the culinary career. It's getting less edible every year. To my family, I'm sorry. To my paternal grandma. I do love the idea that she also is the man of the show. I get a call from...

Oh, my grandma. Happy birthday. I just see caller ID Jitterbug. What? That was my grandma's birthday today. Oh, yeah. And the earth actually just turned 6,019 years old. So that's a pretty...

Tom's grandma is the earth. Yeah. Dude, on Christmas Day, we watched Roma. Have you guys seen Roma? No. I like to imagine you guys are all just looking at one tomato together. And Roma... You've been complaining about this for several days.

It's a bullshit movie, okay? All right. The first opening seven minutes is just water going down a drain. And I didn't know I had to read. It's one of those read movies because they speak Spanish. Yeah, read movies. You know, a book. A read movie?

Is it about a saxophone player? This is our Christmas. Oh, yeah, I saw Fantastic Four, one of those read movies. This is Christmas Day. Everyone else watches fucking Santa shit and Snow Dude and whatever the fuck it is. And Santa shit, Snow Dude, you know. Frosty, the Snow Dude. You like to fucking shred. There's and shit. Snow dude. You know. Frosty the snow dude. Yeah.

You got to fucking shred. I had to. There's a scene in fucking Roma where there's just a fucking naked man destroys a shower to get the kern rod to use him as nunchucks fully naked and then just swings his giant cock around as he presents her. Like that was just seven minutes of the movie. Nothing to do with anything. He's got this giant... See what you're describing sounds like a pretty good movie.

Here's my prediction, and I haven't watched the movie yet, and I'm going to watch it because I do want to see it. I think what you're describing is probably like a really romantic love scene that's being directed and somehow you have interpreted it as this man does... There's no way this naked Mexican man

turns a curtain rod into nunchucks to fight a woman. He doesn't fight a woman. You've been saying nunchucks insistently for a week and a half. Nunchucks, bo staff, what's the difference? It's a shower curtain rod. He destroyed her shower. The fling is giant.

So you hate all Jackie Chan movies where he picks up something hilarious and fights people with it? He's flipping around cock, flipping around, like a handkerchief. He's just got a giant, it's so fucking curved, it's a giant uppercase J. Does it look like where the Grinch lives? You're mad at how big this guy's dick is. It's how curved it is. He's got a problem. Well, the fact that you've said Mexican every time you've referred to the dick makes it

seem a little harsh. We take it to meet my mom one time. These fucking machete-shaped, kukri dicks. We had to build a wall around this dick. Some of my insult just showed when I said the type of machete that is bigger at the end than curved. I'm just saying I don't want to see a big dick, a big curved cock with my family on Christmas. How about a nice straight one? It's the holidays.

It'll be a little better. Really? No. What is it about the curve that's disrespectful? Huh? It was the amount, like it was medically worrying how much it curved. Because it also curved like not up or down or side to side, but like diagonal. I bet those guys are actually doing pretty well in the bedroom because

you're hitting different spots. You know what it is? Whenever I see a dude like that, he's fucking crazy. I got no curve. No curve, Jerry. Mine just gets bigger at the end, but it's a pretty straight shot. If I don't jack off for a while, I get sort of a clubbed effect towards the end.

It's all just building up there. Yeah, but not like crazy. Like a New Year's popper. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Man, a curved, I will say, sucking a curved dick is a nightmare. Oh, it seems like. If it's got like a huge hook to it.

Really not ergonomical. Unless you're laying on your back and getting throat fucked. Yeah, which. In case it would go down your throat easier. Even then, though, it's just like, it's bumping against gums and shit. And you're just like,

it's not designed to go there. No, yeah. It's like a fat kid going through a McDonald's play place. It's like, hey, man. I know you have places for you to roam. This ain't one of them. I know you're having a good time in the tunnel, but there's a lot of other people here. And one of them is my throat. Yeah, exactly.

Whenever I see crazy people get laid on television, I'm like, what am I doing wrong? How are they pulling this off? You've got to be fictional. I think that's part of it. Maybe that's it. If you've got to enter some sort of weird fantasy novel, 13-year-old young adult book universe. Okay, guys, I'm going to be a novel now.

That's how I'm going to get laid. I'm going to have to play. I'm going to Darnia. The Mexican Joker. Hi, so topical. Somebody had to bring this train to a screaming collision. I have seven more minutes of opinions on Roma. Well, I got, whoa, that's great.

I just think it's ironic that your family was like, oh, we're not going to let the snake watch a movie. Instead, we're going to watch a movie with a snake in it. All right, guys, I'll start us off. A member of the Mexican Senate was killed in a freak helicopter accident. Authorities declared there was no foul play after an exhaustive 15-second investigation. Foul play. Foul play. investigation fire play fire play fire play did i ever tell you about the magician i did the aa show with i don't think that you did

all right so i'm doing the 202 club in anaheim uh which is uh the the worst gig that ever existed it's like 1 30 in the morning for people that are withdrawing from crack and falling asleep yeah you know so i'm following a magician who is clearly a an unsuccessful poor magician yeah right and uh he goes up and he does like a mediocre show or whatever and he gets off and he's like there's fucking kids in the audience god damn it ruined my whole set and i'm like oh do you do a lot of dirty stuff he's like no i was gonna do a lot of fire tricks, but I was trained and I was taught not to do fire tricks in front of children because they might hurt themselves. They might get the wrong idea. And I couldn't break that code.

And he starts going off on this whole thing about the magician's code. And I'm like, hey, man, I didn't like jack off in the skull with the new two. So I don't really care about your day. Also, these kids are being raised by meth addicts. They could show you things about fire that would blow your mind. Yeah, it's like their mom was doing a fire trick for 18 years, and that's why they don't have teeth no more. If anything, seeing an adult use fire responsibly might be, if anything, a role model for these horrible children. They've got the worst lives.

The 202 Club is a building built of just dried plywood and fucking loose rustling leaves. You shouldn't do fire tricks in there anyway. Oh, God willing you should. Then it would be wiped tricks in there. Oh, God willing, you should. Then it would be wiped from the earth. Yeah, it is a building begging to be burned down. Another time, this homeless lady, I guess, was like asking me for a ride home and she just kept asking. I kind of went, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you know, like trying to get her to leave

me alone, I guess. Right. And then I go to leave and she starts following me. So I go pretend to go to the bathroom and then I jump the fence and run to my car while she chases me because like some guy was like are you gonna give her a ride and i was like i i don't know what i said i just was trying to get her to go away and he's like yeah she's like fucking like state like attacked a lot of people like don't do that and i was like okay so yeah i just was like 19 year old fucking white guy with an afro just sprinting to a Toyota Camry. I just want a hard day's night where the Beatles are just running from the women.

What if it's you running from every violent lunatic woman who has tried to harm you? Oh, yeah, just Boone Shakalaka and my ex-girlfriend. Andy Dick is in there. Hey, what am I doing here? You know what you're doing there. Well, actually, you don't. You probably drank those memories away. But a series of witnesses, one of which is reliable because he's not Omid Singh or Robbie K.

He remembers. All right. A man was found dead in a burning car in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings. Damn, bro, that shit really is spicy. A New York man tweeted, please help me, bro, that shit really is spicy. A New York man tweeted, please help me, mom, before going missing. Jeez, dude, needy much?

My favorite is that you didn't have a space between the words man and tweeted, so just man tweeted. Man tweeted. I'm so tired of being man tweeted at. What's that movie with Casey Affleck, Man-Tweeted by the Sea? Where he forgets to use the hashtag and his family burns to death? That sounds good, but again, I haven't seen movies. Sorry, that was for someone else.

I haven't seen that movie either. Oh, really? Context clues, baby. There's a movie called Man-Tweeted? Manchester by the Sea is what it is. Oh, about the soccer team. Nope. You guys, well, man, actually, never mind.

I was about to bring up something super boring. Because I think the Skechers' comeback is finally upon us. We've joked about it for years, but Skechers put it... We have not joked about it for years. Oh, we sure haven't. I haven't had a debate about Skechers since 2002. Oh, I think I said Skechers. The shoes?

Yeah, Skechers. No, our Skechers will remain the inferior source of comedy they have always been. Oh, yeah, our Skechers will remain the really cheap shit your mom gets you. Yeah, I hope you're ready for two Christmas sketches on January 7th. All right, guys. Wait, no, I just did that one. A Fort Wayne man drove his van through the front door of a store to rescue his shoplifting girlfriend. I've heard of a door buster, but this is ridiculous.

Yeah, still doing them. Oh, fuck yeah, this is ridiculous. A man was busted them. Fuck yeah, this is ridiculous. A man was busted trying to sneak drugs into a jail under his foreskin. I've heard of uncut heroin, but this is ridiculous. Hell yeah. Come on, Tom. Oh, I don't have a joke. Oh, that's ridiculous.

This is ridiculous. Ah, you. You owe me a Coke. State governors have been sworn in all around Brazil. In America, a Brazilian state governor is referred to as a soccer coach. Okay. But this is

ridiculous. Is there something outlandish about that? But this is Braziculous. Braziculous is... I'm pretty sure he also stabbed Caesar. I believe Braziculous is the name of Tom Snake. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Actually, no, I think its name is Monty or something like that. My little sister named it. Oh, like Monty Python? No, no, it's not clever. No, but I bet, because is it a python? It is a python. And its name is Monty. No, I don't know the name.

It's something like Monty. It's not Monty. Maybe not. Marty? Well, you already saw something like Monty It's not Monty Maybe not Marty Well you already saw The full Monty With that Mexican snake So

Alright gang Dude it was like A python with a broken neck It was crazy They don't have necks After it had been like Steven Yeah they do

They're just very small After it had been like Steven Seagal Like fucking You know Just To fucking Hundreds of dead chickens spewed into the road after a crash outside of a church.

Fortunately, the chickens are in a better place now on the other side. It's real. Can you tell these are the ones I wrote for the Tonight Show packet I decided not to do? A naked man tried to light himself on fire at a New Jersey gas station. We here at the Mean Boys podcast wish Zach Amico a speedy recovery. Oh, yeah. Man, fucking donate to that Go Fiend Me page. Go Fiend Me.

An Oregon man became the first person to walk across the entire continent of Antarctica, proving once and for all that white people can walk through snow. What? Okay. Big swing. It's like I hear the icy tundra of indifference. Well, my whole thing is just like, what is that proof? That was pretty good.

I just don't understand, like, what the... A gigantic ice shelf is broken away from Antarctica to get away from that shelf. I do not even like being a part of the whole continent that is to blame for that terrible piece of art. Alright.

Two seagulls overdosed on prescription opiates in a public park. They were found by a homeless man who shortly overdosed on seagulls overdosed on prescription opiates in a public park. They were found by a homeless man who shortly overdosed on seagulls right afterwards. Oh, it's a turducken of Vicodin. Yeah, yeah. Turducken. I keep reading these wrong. I gotta fucking drink some more coffee or something.

A teenager in China was hospitalized after inserting a USB cable into his penis. Of course it didn't work, bro. You're Chinese. You gotta get that micro USB. I thought it was just gonna be a zit in the wrong way joke, and I was like, oh, come on. Oh, racist. They're fine.

Yeah, yeah. One of the biggest dicks I've ever seen was on an Asian fella. Really? Yeah. How big are we talking? Like about my size. Like a full dragon at the parade with the guys inside of it walking around. Did it have different feet sticking out the bottom of it?

Like eight inches, problematic handful. What's a problematic handful? I don't know, you can grab it, but there's still full control of it with one hand. Like with a two-hander, but you definitely gotta make some choices. Like trying to eat a dodgy dog and hold your beer, you know? There you go. Alright. A Chinese school

has enforced smart uniforms that have GPS and survey students. Upon hearing this, Black Mirror writer Charlie Brooker threw a script in the trash can and whispered, The fucking Chinese beat me to it again. All right, guys. A Missouri judge ordered a poacher to watch Bambi over and over again while in jail. Even worse, his cellmate is the guy who has to watch Woody Allen's Manhattan over and over again. A woman was caught on camera fat shaming a two-year-old at a Philadelphia daycare. Woody Allen's Manhattan over and over again.

Woman was caught on camera fat shaming a two-year-old at a Philadelphia daycare. A Philadelphia daycare, of course, being when you throw a baby, a sock full of batteries, and a can of Cheez Whiz into an old dog crate. Why was she fat shaming it? I don't know. She was just calling it fat. You're calling each other it. Well, it's not a person.

It's fat. Oh, yeah. They were just like, hey, look at you, fat fatty. It's two. I didn't each other it. Well, it's not a person. It's fat. Oh, yeah. They were just like, hey, look at you. Fat fatty. That's two. Yeah. I didn't read through it. I don't know the exact details of the fat shape.

Yeah, yeah. No one's going to fuck you, baby. Yeah. Good luck finding a man there, two-year-old. Yeah, you don't know nothing about not being fat. You don't even realize that you guys are different, really. Yeah. Look at these shapes, you fat fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. See that circle? That's you. Yeah, you see Grover? Grover thinks you're fat. You see Yeah. See that circle? That's you. Yeah, you see Grover? Grover thinks you're fat. You see that big oval? That could also be you. The round.

Any of the round ones. Not a rectangle. Don't look at the rectangle. Those aren't for you. Yeah, if you round the corners, maybe, because it looks like a refrigerator. Angles are for the skinny man. Is this the last one? I think so, yeah.

Yeah. An armed man with firearms, bulletproof vests, and tactical gear was headed to a church claiming to, quote, fulfill a prophecy. Thankfully, the cops arrested him before any damage was done. They could tell he was suspicious immediately because he was black. Wow. You had to walk all the way across Antarctica to get to that punchline. Across Antarctica. It seems like you slipped on a little black ice there.

Is that an energy drink, or am I imagining it? Look, I had to start at the tundra. I worked out of it. Black ice sounds like one of those Gatorade flavors that doesn't last. Oh, yeah, where it's like, get black cherry out of my consumer soft drinks. Thank you very much. Black cherry is a bad fruit. For sure, yeah.

Yeah, I don't want it in my neighborhood. Black cherry's great. You can treat gout with black cherry. What? What? Why do you know that? Huh? Because I know people with gout. And they're utilizing home gout remedies? Yeah, because it works. Why do all of your friends seem to use Oregon Trail medicine?

Where they're like, if you chew on this root... It's mostly my family. Yeah, it's your dad. Yeah, it's your dad just comes home with a big bag of garlic and throws it at your flu-ridden brother like, Get chewing! Alright, I got the cherries because the snake got gout. Dude, imagine having snake gout where your foot, the tail is just all fat and hard and you're like, Ah, shit.

It looks like my dick. Yeah, it looks like my dick. Yeah, it looks like my dick. It's just beat to shit because I jack off too much so I don't have to deal with the inconvenience of being horny. My word, this snake is chapped. And then my dick looks like it's a captain of a sailing ship in the 1700s. Just haggard.

And one of my balls is made of wood. That's because you have a peg nut. Alright, Happy New Year, everybody. We'll be right back with more Meat and Boys right after this. All right, kids, have a seat. Now, before we get to the books, I want to hear all about what you did over your Christmas vacation. Who'd like to go first?

How about you, Timmy? My family took us to go ice skating, and I got a Nintendo Switch. It was the best Christmas ever. Oh, that sounds great. How about you, Hector? My abuela made tamales, and then we saw Aquaman. Oh, the best Christmas ever. Oh, that sounds great. How about you, Hector? My abuela made tamales and then we saw Aquaman. Oh, don't spoil it. I haven't seen it yet.

Oh, oh, Miss Hall. I'll go next. Okay, Hunter, calm down. Go ahead. Okay, so I pretended to go to sleep on Christmas because I wanted to catch Santa and then he came down the chimney and he said, Ho, ho, ho, Hunter. I know you're not sleeping, but that's okay.

Come with me. I need your help to deliver the presents because my best elf got sick. So I got in his sleigh and he took me all the way around the world to deliver presents. And then he. That didn't happen. Yeah, you're a liar. I'm not. It's true. I rode in Santa's sleigh. And then he took me then he, and then he. That didn't happen. Yeah, you're a liar. Am not. It's true.

I rode in Santa's sleigh. And then he took me to the North Pole. And the reindeer did a special dance to thank me. Well, you've got a very vivid imagination, Hunter. Now, let's get on our math books. I didn't imagine it, Ms. Hall. It really happened. Well, Hunter, we've been over this.

You like to tell big stories, like when you said your dad was an astronaut. He is. He works on the International Space Station as a rocket commander. He makes sure that the aliens don't come down and steal our buildings. Or that your mom's car is the Batmobile. It is. She won it from Batman in a pie-eating contest at the fair, but they couldn't write about it in the newspaper because he didn't want the Joker to find out.

Or that your uncle died in Iraq. No, no, no, no. That one probably really happened, Hector. Why doesn't anybody ever believe me? That's enough, Hunter. Now, one more lie, and I'll have to send you to the principal's office. I'm not lying. I mean it, young man.

Now, everyone get out your math books and turn to page 65, where... Just a moment, class. Hello, who are you? Ho, ho, ho. Happy New Year, class. Hello, who are you? Ho, ho, ho. Happy New Year, everybody. Santa. Well, if it isn't my best elf in training, Hunter. Okay, now who is that in there, really?

It's Santa Claus. That's not Santa. It sure is, little buddy. In the flesh. I told them about our adventure, Santa, but they said I'm a liar. Oh, is that so? Okay, that's enough class this isn't santa look it's a fake beard see hey hey fucking out get your hands off me i don't come into your house and start yanking on your flapjack titties wait wait it's it's real yeah it's real as real as the abortion you got last summer, Karen. How did you know about that? I'm Santa.

I know who's naughty. I know who's nice. And I definitely know who's in kind of a moral gray area. Now, don't get it twisted, kids. Santa's pro-choice. I'm just saying, I know Miss Hall's had some sleepless nights about it. Oh, my God. Yeah, God, he's real, too.

You want to pull on his shit, see how that pans out for you? Ugh, Christ. I came to visit Hunter because he helped me out so much on Christmas Eve, and I wanted to do him a solid and say hi to his friends, and now we're getting the third degree from all of you people. But, like, if you're the real Santa, why didn't you bring me the new iPhone I asked for? Oh, maybe because I'm not fucking Amazon, homie. I don't work for you.

It's a free service. You're welcome. so the reindeer dance was real it was a real pain in the ass is what it was you know how hard it is to get reindeer to do anything other than shit and eat it took me months to teach them how to do their little fucking routine cost me a fortune i had to hire one of those fruitcakes who choreographed wicked miss hall says we're not supposed to call gay people fruitcakes. Yeah? Well, Miss Hall also said that $300 was for skydiving lessons. So maybe take that with a grain of salt. Besides, it's not a slur if it's Christmassy.

Look, I'm a 400-year-old white dude who lives alone in the woods. Let's just count our blessings I'm not up here dropping N-bombs. I told them they were real, Santa, and nobody believed me. Small minds will always try to tear down the strong, little buddy. Me and Rogan were just talking about this. I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Santa. It's just that, well, Hunter's got a bit of an overactive imagination, and he tends to tell a lot of fibs.

This kid has never told a lie in his life. His life is just apeshit crazy, and you people can't even handle it. Well, then why did you pick Hunter out of all the kids in the world? I'm going to level with you. I've been dating his mom while his dad's in orbit. Wait, his dad's really an astronaut? Oh, for real. Check this out.

This is Rocket Commander Daniel Nelson aboard the International Space Station. Over. Dan, it's me. You're on speaker. I just wanted to prove to Hunter's teacher that you're really an astronaut. She doesn't buy it. Affirmative. Seems pretty odd she'd give him shit over that. Some people are astronauts. She doesn't buy it. Affirmative. Seems pretty odd.

She'd give him shit over that. Some people are astronauts. It happens. Over. Colonel Nelson, I hate to tell you this, but Santa is actually... Banging my wife. Copy that.

I'm aware of the situation, and I have signed off on it. We have an understanding and a very open and healthy sexual relationship. Over. All right, great to hear from you, Dan. 10-4, Santa. Make sure to send me those pictures we talked about tonight. All right, great to hear from you, Dan. 10-4, Santa. Make sure to send me those pictures we talked about tonight.

Now, I got to run. There's some Neptunians trying to get their greedy tentacles on the Eiffel Tower. Over and out. How do you like that? First cuck in space. Made it all the way to the glass ceiling, then looked through it and jerked off. All right, Hunter, we got to get out of here. The Batmobile's in the shop, and I told your mother I'd pick it up

before we all went to secret Disneyland this weekend this weekend but santa school just started oh really did it just start listen lady i'm fucking santa i defy you to stop me okay i just no no no i'm serious stop me i want to know what step two of operation stop santa looks like to you there's no need to be rude it's not really kids an operation. Hey, kids, look. Here's something I never thought I'd see. Ms. Hall is actually concerned about keeping a kid. Just take the fucking kid, Santa. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, have fun.

Yeah, all right. Come on, buddy. Jesus. Kid's uncle dies in Iraq, and for this, respect the sacrifice. Semper Fi, you fucking baby killer. Quang. All right, guys. Well, it's the new year, and this is a self-help podcast.

Yeah, that's what it's always been. Yeah, we're a group of fellas that get together every week and discuss ways to improve their habits to be better people. I always tell people we're self-helpless. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, we fucking, we get together, and we learn how to, you know, make our life, we get together and we learn how to make our life.

We share articles with each other all the time. We're self-hyping ourselves. Yeah, we keep each other accountable to our goals. Yeah, like you. I mean, I'm really proud that you're still a big, fat gay lord. That's really good. I'm proud that you're still just a genuinely unpleasant human. Yeah, Tom still, he's got nothing going on.

Yeah, Tom's got this. Yeah. Don't. God damn it. Don't do it. You lifted your leg and just your whole thigh. Golden girls. That's not what that is.

It looks like someone dropped a turkey leg on the floor of a barbershop. It's like sinewy, but like wrong. Yeah. It looks buff, but dead. Like there's an even amount of hair across all of Tom's leg. And it's like usually once you get to the thigh, maybe you wear tight jeans, so it's a little bit shorter. But Tom is just like, that was a chorus line

from a puberty Bigfoot. Like that big scab on your ankle. Oh, yeah. This is for wearing those shoes. You can just rub that on Connor's pillow. Yeah, no. I'm glad you're getting a lot of Tom flakes all over everything.

Welcome to our new segment. Tom shows off his sores. And if you connect them, they make a star. Behold, Tom's seeping gape. Yeah. Man, I just had this funny image of Tom going into a big job interview, and he's wearing shorts and a suit, but he's combing his leg hair over to look professional. Oh, yeah. As a guy who's taken Tom to a hollywood meeting before and then the just

the outfit what was it exactly because it was like i mean it was it was jogging shoes it was like jogging shoes like a button-down flannel with like a fish tie and then like there's no fish tie and then pants that only had one hole and he was like this is my tuxedo thanks that we do you just dressed homeless. Yeah, which honestly looked better. That at least was like... Dude, I pull off homeless well. You do, yeah. You would be the hottest homeless guy. Yeah, I sure would.

That was like when that thing meme was going around where people were just taking pictures of homeless Japanese people and just like, I mean, it sucks that they're like this, but I mean, that is the coolest outfit I've ever seen. Or just some dude who looked like he was from some sort of weird future scumbag matrix and everyone was like Oh, he's like super rad?

Well, yeah, this guy's life is going terrible but I mean, fucking check out that duster. It's pitching. Anyway, so we decided

we'd share with you guys some of our New Year's resolutions in our quest to become better men. Yeah, I'll start it off because this was my idea for a bit that I then realized

I didn't actually know how to make super funny. Okay, sure. Yeah, here's one. This year I resolved not to rest on lazy comedic crutches. So often I go back to the well of Tom is dumb and Connor is gay. It's time to mix it up. So this year I'm going to call Connor retarded and Tom a faggot.

I like it. Yeah. You know, after I saw the UN climate report, it really got to me. So I've decided this year I'm using all renewable jokes. We're talking this is ridiculous. We're talking This Is Ridiculous. We're talking Abu Bakr, all something that's not Arab. Keith's mom, Rotting Biomass. Those are going together like fucking

white on rice. Dumb Criminal that turns out to be Tom is happening a lot. And of course, Andrew Dice Clay Career Day. It's all going to be... At some point we're going to do Keith's mom, Dice Clay says, Oh, this is ridiculous! The wormhole will open up and we will hear the whoosh of antarctica pull us all yeah straight up locally grown like renewable like you know

green jokes yeah i know it's like i love that when we shit on tom for like taking big swings and they were like hush now we have to do terrible jokes that we've already heard yeah i gotta do a pun about chickens so yeah that one was pretty good. What do you think, Tom? What's your first thing in revolution? I want to get in a fist fight with an animal, but we have mutual respect at the end and we become closer afterwards. That's actually the most attainable goal I think I've heard you.

Okay, Tom, you have to fist fight one animal to make this happen. I'm going to make that kangaroo kiss the ring. What animal do you think this is the most likely with where you're going to fist fight it but also have respect for each other at the end? I think some sort of bear but not full grown. So a child bear. Yeah. Adolescent bear. Like a 15-year-old bear.

And I think he— No, you're saying bear years here, right? Yeah. Like a puberty bear. Okay, yeah. He's in puberty. It's not a child, but it's not like legally an adult. So you would like to have the most impulsive, angriest kind of bear to fight?

Not quite a girl, not yet a woman. I need a bear that hates parents. Yeah. I would rather fight an old-ass bear that's got bear-itis or whatever. I feel like that bear understands the concept of respect through combat, and he's looking for a worthy foe. If you can beat that bear, he's going to beat you. Yeah, this bear will leave it all. You deserve this. This is a good death.

Whereas an adolescent one is all full of fucking piss and vinegar and bear fire. I don't want either of us to die. I just want it to be a bloody, mangled fight, and then afterwards we shake hands and then walk into the sunset. Just kind of like... So you want to basically do Rocky III, but with a bear instead of a black guy.

I want the end of Warrior, but with a bear. I told him. He can't have rhythm like a bear fighter. Okay. Fuck, man. I like it. That's so far the best one. 500 iTunes reviews.

Oh, no, six. Yeah, we rent a bear. Every year I want to learn new skills But who has the time This year I resolved to start lying to people About skills I have that they can't fact check in any way Because fuck you guy at this party I dare you to prove I don't know how to play the bassoon

Oh yeah what are you going to break one out Yeah exactly you don't have one either Yeah you're really going to be a post mate to a bassoon From Sam Ash Yeah we both know while we're having this conversation You're googling a bassoon to see what it actually is. I don't know what it is. A bassoon is just a talent kazoo, right?

You just have to slightly know how to do it? It's more of an African-American clarinet, is my understanding. It's a big, powerful, bassy sort of a clarinet. A black tuba? You're thinking of the sousaphone, but close. Black tuba, that's the Aquaman bad guy. No, I only say sousaphone because it's in a fucking OutKast video. Is a sousaphone but close like tuba that's the aquaman bad guy no i only say sousaphone because it's in a fucking uh uh outcast video is it just like a saxophone that's a that's a that's a tuba

for marching that's easier yeah yeah they have it's such a dumb interest instrument they had to make a special one so you could walk with it i'm shocked that none of us was in a marching band situation i came that fucking close seems like something all three of us could have gotten suckered into. Yeah, I had to do middle school band and I was like, hey mom,

I want to kill myself. I hate these people so much. Can I be an actor? I like the idea of Tom being like, forced not to play like a big bass drum, but they give him

just the world's smallest flute and he's the flute guy. Oh, the piccolo? And he's like, I don't even know how to play this. I play other things

and they're like, yeah, but we thought this would be funny. But it's humorous. Your fingers are not skinny enough to press different keys. So you can really only get to about seven notes. But then, in a crucial moment, when the bear has you almost dead to rights, you pull the piccolo out and stick it in his fucking ear and beat him.

Oh, I thought he was going to summon a bigger bear with the song of Klein. The Pied Piper of adolescent bears. Yeah, it's like Link from Zelda. But he's the missing Link. It was literally the only thing in high school that I never had any interest in. It just seemed so, the people seemed so obnoxious. Right. And then just the activity seemed so fucking mundane and boring.

Yeah. I don't want to ever think about the steps I'm taking that much. Like, Christ. Oh, my God. We have to all take teeny tiny perfect steps. Fuck you. Man, I knew a girl when I was in high school. She was one of the flag girls. Oh, color guard. The head of the flag people.

Yeah, with the marching band. Yeah. The flag people. And she was like a dweeb like all the rest of the- Navy sign language guys. She was like a dweeb like everybody else, but she was kind of like an uppity bitch. She'd act like she was the top of the food chain and was real shitty like a bully. And I'm like, you know you're just the queen of fat cheerleading.

Calm it the fuck down, Jennifer. All right. You're the president of the AV club. You're not exactly homecoming queen toots. Yeah, it was real weird. I've decided I want to embrace my dormant autism because the more I do- Dormant. Yeah.

No, we're talking trading card games, sneaker, sneaker reviews, not saying goodbye when I leave places. I didn't say goodbye after I left like three different parties this holiday season. I got to tell you, wonderful. Yeah. Every time you have a new hobby that involves math and boring me, you seem happier than I've ever. Oh, it's great. I fully endorse it. No, I had a good I had a good had to bail on a party one where a girl I went on three dates with showed up dressed like a cowboy, and I thought, I'm out of here.

I'm just – they had a back entrance, and I just was like whoosh, into the night. No mosey on out. No texts, no Facebook messagery. I just left. Great. I just make sure you're embracing your autism. You just walk into your study. It's full of books, and there's candles.

You put on a velvet smoking jacket. You sit in a big comfortable leather chair and then just grab a your study it's full of books and there's candles you put on a velvet smoking jacket you sit in a big comfortable leather chair and then just grab a brand new snifter full of paste I'm going to get some carpet in here and I'm getting real chic thag carpet thick shag carpet and I'm just going to sit and enjoy how it feels between my toes

little things like that and while I'm doing and I'm just gonna, and while I'm doing this, I'll just be watching summaries of Gundam shows I never watched and never will watch, but I'll watch guys that look like me

if I had zero testosterone explaining them to me. Yeah, Connor quit Mean Boys, but he just started moderating a subreddit about pleasing shapes. Yep.

I gotta be honest, he's doing great. Underrated, The Hexagon. Yeah, he moved to Nebraska, he's got kids now, he's really good. He's doing lightsaber reviews. Yeah, he's making a life for honest. He's doing great. Underrated, The Hexagon. Yeah, he moved to Nebraska. He's got kids now. He's doing lightsaber reviews.

Yeah, he's making a life for himself. Godspeed to him. There's a comedian that had to quit comedy, and now he does lightsaber reviews. That's a pretty funny thing to play at the New Year's Eve party. God damn it, I forgot about that. That's so sad. Wait, we play that at the DVDs? Actually, I think that got vetoed in favor of the Chris Simpson tape.

Oh, yeah. Which is a comedian we know that made a trailer to his DVD. That's the most serious video known to man. Oh, God, it's so funny. Yeah, maybe we should post that. I think the world needs it. I need to save it because I've showed, honestly, probably hundreds of people. And when I started showing people, it had like 300 views.

And now it's in like the thousands just, I think think from me getting the word out and other comedians enjoying it so I'm gonna have to download it in case it comes down but it's the funniest fucking thing yeah anyway yeah it needs to be downloaded okay I resolve to have louder sex that's it yeah that's the whole

thing just give us a taste of our medicine kind of you know so louder than none although I do like the idea of you just deciding to jerk off really loud Just give us a taste of our medicine, kind of, you know? So louder than none. Although I do like the idea of you just deciding to jerk off really loud. Yeah, like, is Tom banging on pots and pans in there? Why is it clanking? Is Tom speed banging a side of beef? So many times in my parents' house, I'm just trained to... Dude, I'm like'm like a uh uh ninja fuckery like just just silent

and you know but i've realized like ah that doesn't make it good for anybody like if there if there's an yeah if there's an aspect of like we're being quiet because we might get caught that's kind of cool yeah but if you're just like if you're just fucking someone like you have the training then transfers to a hotel and i'm just like don't make that face oh yeah no it's like a huge you know yeah it's just weird and bad the guy i thought i was i was fucking the other day and it was like it was good or whatever and then i made like a weird noise i went like it was like i had to like i had to like cough while i was like trying to say a sexy thing so it just kind of came out as like, and she's like, from under me, she goes,

no. You sound like a snitch. And I'm like, what does that mean? That's a book. And she's like, but you know. Yeah. I think that was one of the ones that got animated at some point for a TV one-off.

Yeah, I didn't question it for a second. I'm like, that's what a snitch would sound like if it were fucking you. Yeah, I mean, I think the burden of initiating the dirty talk, which I think most people enjoy, tends to fall on the guy, which is fine. But sometimes I'm getting lazy. Even sometimes, maybe it's even a little experiment. I'd be like, well, let's see if you start talking.

And then I get about 10 minutes in and I go, thanks for the help. And I'd have to start doing it. Yeah, I get that. Well, it's always finding the time line. Because it's like I'm trying to concentrate on my other stuff and make sure my dick game is zen. Yeah, well, it's like doing crowd work where it's like sometimes you throw out a thing. You're like, this will get the big laugh. And then it doesn't work.

And then you're like, ah, shit, where do I go now? Yeah, and then you don't want to just go through the routine. You like that is the women be shopping or give it up for the troops of sex 32. Yeah, like it's like I always tell, like I tell people it's not that difficult. But it's also sometimes I'm like, ah, what if i got to listen to an audiobook this time you know yeah i mean i i uh i've talked about my my inability to dirty talk but it's just it's it like i don't talk good regular so yeah like clean talking is not oh yeah strong suit clean talking is all discombobulated so like i don't know. Now I got to do it to turn somebody on.

It just turns into a whole, like, oh, yeah, I got inside you. Like, there's no real, like, whoopsie does it. I shot some on you. Oh, I'm glad that banana peel was there. I don't know why, but I just picture Tom's dirty talk just being direct eye contact and just going, what's up? Is that where it goes? Yeah, you're really

not clean. Yeah, put the lime in the coconut. Stink it all up. Yeah, drink that coconut. Last year, I think I shit my pants probably like what, like three or four times? The fact that you don't remember means five. Yeah, no, early in the year, I did a shit my pants probably like what, like three or four times? The fact that you don't remember means five.

Yeah, no, early in the year, I did a lot of pants shitting. So this year, I want to go on a streak, you know, so to speak. Pardon the pun, but I like a streak of not shitting my pants. Oh, okay, I think you want your streak of shitting your pants. No, I want a full calendar year, you know, January to December. No shit in my pants that I didn't put there on purpose. I think you can do that. Yeah, which I mean, if I'm getting mugged, I'll shit my pants to throw the guy off. Yeah.

You know, oh, you really want this wallet? You want it now? Man, I misgaged the fart. Then he just shoots you for shitting on his money. I misgaged a fart this morning while I was walking a dog, and then I was just like stranded two blocks from home, like trying to duck walk this dog back. Oh, really? Yeah, it felt like that movie The Martian, where Matt Damon's just trapped in space and

it's miles to get home. Why did he start growing crops? I don't understand. I don't know. I've got to use these potatoes to undump these shorts. Yeah, I'm going to wait until I have an ear of corn to wipe my ass with like I'm a settler. This year I resolved to quit smoking cigarettes. This is in conjunction with last year's resolution to develop a way to inject smoke directly

into my bloodstream. Ooh, yeah. What if you just filled up? What if you pulled a syringe full of smoke? That would actually be kind of cool looking. God, that would look metal. Yeah. You know, if you get enough smoke into your bloodstream at one time, that'll kill you.

Hey. Yeah, I figured. Yeah. Really, if you put anything but blood in your blood, it doesn't go great for anyone. Yeah, I mean, sometimes they give you that, like, what's the shit where they give you, how do they get, you know, it's weird, and I never totally got this, you know when they give you fluids at the hospital, and it goes in your arm, but it ends up in your stomach? Right.

No, it doesn't end up in your stomach, it ends up in your bloodstream. But that just makes you feel like you drank water? Well, no, when you, what? When you drink water. When they give you fluids, like if you're dehydrated Just like running out of blood when they give me I try to give you just a belly full of goo Like I feel like I drink water, but it no water when it's right It absorbs into your bloodstream

Okay, and that's what a lot of your in the rest rest of your body, and then you piss out the waste. You don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I'm sorry. No, you're 100% right. I'm sorry that I didn't think that you drink water and it fills up your tummy like a gallon jug.

Oh, no, I don't, I'm not a doctor. I'm a comedian. It's funny that I don't understand. The less I know, the more humorous I am. So, I don't know. Shut up. Stop teaching me stuff. I like how mad you are at him for being right. I'm't understand. The less I know, the more humorous I am. So, I don't know. Shut up.

Stop teaching me stuff. I like how mad you are at him for being right. I'm not mad. I'm just fucking with him. Oh, fuck. Do we have any more left? Oh, yeah.

Which one do I want to do? Tom's final. The final resolution. I'm not going to... I do want to figure out how an organ works, but that's not my... I'm going to...

You just told him how an organ works. Like a bass... Like the church piano. I just want to clarify. Do you mean you want to learn how to play one, or you just want to know how they work? I want to understand the mechanics of one, because it seems very mysterious to me. You can probably just go with that. Well, as a guy who walked in on...

You can knock this resolution out while we're doing this segment. Right, which is why I'm going to go to my other... Tom is wearing his gas station hoodie last night, and the entire house house is dark and he's just sitting in front of a laptop that's illuminating his face and i was like this looks like a child pornography psa like you would you dark in a dirty kitchen illuminated by the light of a macbook with the hoodie on like you look like you are sending straight up social security numbers to russia for some reason tom in front of like a big whiteboard just marked, how do organs work? And he's written down possible solutions.

Magic? Yeah. Secret midgets? No, I resolve to have fewer walls but still live inside. So you want to get down to two walls? I want to get as low as possible. I want to live in a tunnel. I guess a hallway as low as possible. I want to live in a tunnel. Yeah.

I guess the hallway is really only two, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's technically two. Yeah. Man, I want to get Tom a big hamster ball. Oh, yeah. Just like a big plastic ball like what the hamsters run around a house in. Yeah, I'd enjoy that.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I could tackle so many things. You're going to spill your jug in there and then just be like, oh, yeah, everything's wet and it's starting to mold. Could you open the top? Yeah. Hey, it's me. It's Tom.

I tried to go to the bakery. The hill had other plans. Anyway, I think I'm in Pasadena now. The blob, too. The top. Yeah, dude, I think that would be pretty fun. We should get, like, five. Okay.

A bunch of them and have, like, a demolition derby? We get, like, 18 people in giant be pretty fun. We should get like five. Okay. A bunch of them and have like a demolition derby. We get like 18 people in giant hamster balls. Very weird number. We find a giant pool. We get one full lacrosse team. Cowboy. We find a giant pool table. We find a giant pool table.

We go to giant pool supplies are us. We get the guy that made Tarantino the footbed. All right. And we have him. We got a project for you. We get the guy that made Tarantino the footbed, all right? And we have him. We got a project for you. We need a football field of felt. Last person not in a pocket wins. And now who's using the sticks?

Is that God? No sticks. We have to tackle each other. Oh, okay. Who breaks? I got to figure we just throw someone small and weak in the center, you know? Like, we just drop Hasan Ahmad out of a helicopter onto the other ball. There's no break. Opie's like, yo, I did not have to be the eight ball.

This feels disrespectful. Like, I'm not saying I'm mad, but I'm furious. Yeah, like, you need another black friend. Ain't that the truth. Anybody. That's a lot of work for Opie. He's really got to carry all of my black friend needs. Yeah, I'm running out of N word passes to hand out.

My little parking ticket pad is almost dry. Oh, yeah. Like he's got a sheet that you could that you get it like a CVS, you know, like a ledger. He's doing it like taxes. He's wearing an old green visor. Okay. And then initial there. You guys, it's June.

Why am I halfway done with these? This is just most of the last decades. Tom refilling a vape and disdainfully watching us do this bit. Oh, yeah. I wasn't disdainfully refilling it. I was just disdainfully smoking it. Ah, very good. Oh, disrespectfully.

Yeah. Yeah. That's like... Blowing vapes, like blowing smoke in someone's face, like from a cigar or a cigarette or a pipe, that's very disrespectful. If you blow a smoke in someone's face, like, from a cigar or a cigarette or a pipe is, like, that's very disrespectful. If you blow smoke in someone's face, you just look like a bitch. The first time you blew...

If, like, Bender did that, it'd be like, oh, come on, Bender, that's a bitch move. The first time you blew vape smoke at me, like, I knew it was just, like, a bit or whatever, but I went blind with rage for half a... Like, it's the closest I've ever come to hitting you. Like, it was, like, my consciousness... Wait, wait, hold on. Yeah, this is my friend and we are connected gland went off. Like, right now, there's the closest I've ever come to hitting you. Like, it was like, my consciousness. Wait, wait, hold on. Yeah, this is my friend and we are connected gland went off. Like, right now, there's the smoke. Faggot!

That's the queen of diamonds for you is vape smoke? Yeah, and then just that Manchurian candidate just browned out. I wake up, you have no more blood. Did you hear that guy who Kool-Aid manned 40 people to death at Coachella? Yeah. He was a good friend of mine, actually. All right, well, actually. All right. Well, those are our resolutions.

We'll be right back with your questions and all that in the mailbag right after this. Hey there, champ. It's your turn to open a gift. I'm 19, Dad. You don't have to call me champ. Hey, it's better than being 17 and having Dad still call you kiddo. Oh, calm down. I love you, kids.

Open up your gift, Mark. Oh, boy. It sounds like what I wanted. I think it might be. Oh, calm down. I love you kids. Open up your gift, Mark. Oh boy, it sounds like what I wanted. I think it might be. Oh, no way. It's happiness. Saved up big time, champ. I can't believe you got me happiness. Dad, you're the... Is something wrong? Oh, this is the old model.

Well, yeah, the new one is like $800. What am I supposed to do with this, Dad? It's a happiness four. This has been outdated for three goddamn years. Calm down, Mark. Shut up, Derek. Dad, there's no battery life for this. Is that what you want from me? To be happy for an hour at a time and then have to wait four hours for it to charge because it's a piece of shit old model?

Well, no, Mark. I just couldn't afford the new model, and this was the best I could do. Oh, well, that's what you told Mom, too, and now she's getting deep-dicked by a 300-pound Taco Bell manager. Is that what you want from me, too, Dad? To get pounded out by a giant gordita-crunched Fupa man? Dude, chill the fuck out. I bet he doesn't even have a dick. He just grinds his pelvis over Mom's puss and matches her face into a tub of beans,

and she thinks, well, at least it's not my ex-husband's sad shit he gives during Christmas time. At least Bob doesn't lack a dick because he doesn't care enough to buy one for me. Well, I used an original model content, and you got an upgrade. I don't have a happiness. Isn't that enough? No! Fuck you, Dad! As for one thing, the current model of happiness. You couldn't even fucking do that. Dude, I got a hat.

That's because no one wants to look at your fucked-up haircut, Derek. You're 17 and balding. Of course you got a hat. Fuck's because no one wants to look at your fucked up haircut, Derek. You're 17 and balding. Of course you got a hat. Fuck you, Derek. Fuck you, Dad. I'm going to hang out with Mom and No Dick Bob. Dude. We all know this familiar scene around Christmas time.

No, Dad, it's because you don't fucking care. And if it rings an all-too-familiar bell, you probably got your child the wrong thing during Christmas. Dad, Mark is throwing a fit and chucking tacos at your van. God damn it. Which is why we encourage you to get them what they wanted to begin with. Mark, stop it.

I'm sorry. Let's go to the Apple store. I'll get you the new iPhone. That's right. It's Apple. Because of course it is. Your children have been conditioned to the immediate satisfaction that comes with our products. So when they don't receive it, they genuinely fester with more negativity than Alex Jones talking about the Jews. Mark, there is so much traffic today.

We won't be able to exchange it for hours. Can we come back tomorrow and do it? So checkmate, parents. You better get your kids our shit. Remember, this isn't an advertisement. It's a threat. Thanks for the happiness, Dad. Yeah, sure, you better get your kids our shit. Remember, this isn't an advertisement. It's a threat. Thanks for the happiness, Dad. Yeah, sure, kid.

I hear they're coming out with the next iPhone around my birthday. Apple, ruining holidays since Steve Jobs came back from India. And now a clip from this week's Patreon bonus episode. A lot of shit. I haven't even really talked to you guys that much about the holidays, but I was up in Canada for a while. Yeah. And that was cool. I flew out there, Spirit Flight, get the aisle seat.

I'm sitting next to two old people that are going on some kind of tour. Like, oh, we're going to go see the Grand Canyon or whatever. Grand Canadayen. Canadayen? Yeah, like a Canadian. go see the Grand Canyon or whatever. And Grand Canadayan. Canadayan? Yeah, like a Canadian in Canada. That's fucking Justin Bieber's pussy. There we go. Yeah.

We got it. Oh, he's Canadian, huh? He was, yeah. And honestly, I couldn't think of a single Canadian woman, which is why he got put in that joke. Shame on you, Canada, for not. Well, Dave Cooley is a famous Canadian woman. Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. I think there's a bunch.

I can't think of one. Yeah Yeah there's a bunch Of women in Canada You know his name Alanis Morissette His name in Spanish Is David Ass A lot of people Don't know Alanis Morissette is

No she's a singer right Yeah Yeah she seems like Just someone that's On like fucking Like soft print graphic Tees at Target That I've never

Really bothered to learn about Yeah she's one step From Target stardom Yeah she just She seems like the lord But from my mom's era, you know? Yeah, she wrote two pretty good songs, and that really carried her. What are her songs?

Ironic is her. That's like the famous one. How does it go? It's like rain on your wedding day. Oh, I don't even know that one. Pamela Anderson. Oh, how did I not go Pam Anderson? That's probably the whitest pussy in Canadian history.

Ellen Page. Sandra Oh? Yeah, after Tommy Lee drilled through the big Dr. Evil machine from the first Austin Powers. Celine Dion. After he rend her a twain. A Shania twain. Is she Canadian? Celine Dion is aggressively Canadian. Shania twain? No, Shania twain's American,

I think. Oh, okay. Wait, is she like a country singer? Kind of. She's like poppy country. Dog, I don't know. She's like early era Taylor Swift. I think. Oh, okay. Wait, is she like a country singer? Kind of. She's like poppy country. Dog, I don't know. She's like early era Taylor Swift. I know nothing about what's going on. Yeah, we know nothing about Canadian women. Who's Kathy Smith? I don't know.

That doesn't matter. Who gives a shit? Presumably a Canadian woman. Shut your fucking mouth. Yeah, Alanis Morissette. Great. Anyway, so sitting next to these solo people. Tom, I'd like you to just quietly read a list of Canadian women's names while we listen

to this story. Yeah. I'm going to do a Dobrev. Great. Keeprev. Great. Keep going. This is gold, dude. Anyway, you're on a spirit flight with old people. Yeah, and they're doing the safety announcement.

And they did the cutest shit I've ever seen in my life, which is they picked up the cartoon instructions and were diligently following along. Which I've never seen anyone be old enough to do that before. Imagine anyone's life being saved because they really paid attention to a bored flight attendant showing and also like we're going from detroit to california so if if you like if there's a water landing and you hit lake havasu that's a hole in one for north america that is the most statistically difficult crash yeah you were not hitting the great kansas ocean like yeah fucked to death no and they were just like the guy was behind and the wife like slaps his hand and moves his finger to the other one.

And what's funny is you can see the flight attendants who are used to people just, like, actively just, like, shitting in their face, jerking off, who gives a shit while they're doing this. And they're like, oh, wow, look at, they're actually enjoying our little show. I did my whole- Just for being into it. I did my whole little comedy blow on the fucking, the tube for the life vest bit, and it always bombs, but finally, these guys gave it a shot.

Man, I love when people who work shitty jobs have like a bit they do. Oh man, I hate it, because they did the fucking, they did the one that everybody does, which is, welcome to your first class flight to Honolulu. Just kidding, we're going to LAX.

Make sure you got your seatbelts on, and just, and it's crushing. Fucking airplane hat. It just really offends me as a comedian. I'm like, oh, I didn't realize your seatbelts on. And it's crushing. Fucking airplane hatch. It just really offends me as a comedian. I'm like, oh, I didn't realize I just had to be in a tube. And then I could just do popsicle stick jokes and be hailed as a god king by fat Midwesterners pouring themselves like pancake batter into these fucking chairs. Eat shit, spirit.

All right? I'm going to start my own airline. Not funny at all airline. Serious air. No goofery goofery no we're not mean but it's like i'm not like here's your diet joke not even welcome to serious airlines get on the plane yeah nothing is funnier to me than when have you ever had it when one of those pilots bombs oh yeah dude it's fucking great it is it is the and then he's just gotta it's not like he can crash the plane out of spite you know he's got it fly us fucking crispy chicken skin of incidences where you just fucking just you failed delicious you tried so hard and then i could tell dad jokes around next like i hope he flies planes better than he talks and then i become the cool guy

and all of a sudden you just are the captain. Do you know what being cool is? I've never discussed this with you, because it sounds like what you're thinking of as being the worst. This guy's making fun of a pilot pad. What a cool guy. Wow, no way. Dude, fucking old people think I'm awesome. Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah, because you probably have a similar thought process to someone whose brain has decayed. Well, you know what it is? They're not up on the culture enough to know that i'm off-putting so they're just like so to you you're just you could be any young person yeah i'm just like a young guy yeah i guess that makes sense because to me madness is timeless so i feel like anybody of any age no fucking uh i don't like when the pilot stands right at the exit row and ever you got to walk past them it's that's how that's how people feel when there's a shitty comedian that's on the show and they got to like oh geez yeah we get it we do be shopping crashing into a mountain yeah and i'm like no you just did your job i mean

i did it i drove through the sky like i think they should pay you more and you know you should you're fucking whatever like good job but like i'm what am i gonna give you a cookie like i'm doing my job too guy i wanted you to give to make fun of you on a podcast later seven dollars for it seven dollars for what to say thank you to the pilot you got ripped off he's charging for pictures like fucking gabriel iglesias or something i was saying i wanted them to give me a cookie and you overcharged me seven dollars for the fucking thing they charge you seven dollars for a cookie they charge you too much i don't know how much a cookie is. A muffin was like $4, but I'm like, that's a lot.

I thought it was a small muffin. It was a decent, it was a medium-sized muffin. We're doing airline food material right now. Yeah, we are. That's how you know. We can't ever make fun of anybody again. There's a lot to say. Because I have more opinions.

I have actually another airline food story. I'm sitting next to these two people, and they're like two young, lot to say i didn't have more opinion i have actually a more another airline food story i'm sitting next to these two people and they're like too young like like a white couple going on some fucking dumb ass trip you know and uh the lady comes around you want anything to drink and i said yeah can i get a diet coke and she's oh yeah you got the last one the other guy's like sorry so i can't get a diet coke and the lady's like i was gonna get a diet coke too and she's like yeah you got the last one and i said well tell you what give me that diet coke and can i get three glasses with ice and we'll just split it?

You know, thinking that's a nice holiday gesture. And then the people go, no, that's fine. Like, they just were so shitty. They were just like, and I was like, you sure? It's no trouble. I mean, we won't share the can. We'll each have our own glass. And they're like, I'd rather be thirsty.

Like, they were just like, no. And I'm like, well, fuck both of you you cunts i was trying to give spread and cheer and shit and you're like well i'd rather have nothing than your diet the funniest thing you could have done is gotten the diet coke poured it into the cup made direct eye content and then just spit in it and not drink it i wanted to i did drink it very and i just really savored it and i farted as whenever i could because i will save him for the bathroom because I get up to pee a lot just to stretch my legs but I was just like enjoy cunts like this you brought this

on yourselves and the mean boys podcast returns take a look at your emails your tweets your voicemails it's the mean boys it's the mean boys mailbag fuck everything god is dead send us an email or give us a call have you ever heard

The one about Keeping the dog It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Man in a little bag Do it That's the jingle Thank you once again

Andrew Hillary for that Feel free to tweet us Email us Meanboyspodcast At gmail.com At meanboyspodcast On twitter Or leave us a voicemail

At 304-805-MEAN That's 304-805-6326 For all you simpletons Out there Yeah Yeah check me out doing the con. I didn't have to do shit. That was nice. I just sat over here like, what?

My little boy's all grown up. You taught your baby how to drive. I stopped micromanaging the show for five seconds. Look at me. We run a professional operation here. At made by Dr. Light says, Jimbo Kimble Squirrel! So, there's that. Yeah, I mean, I Light says, Jimbo Kimble Squirrel. So there's that.

Yeah. I mean, I listen back to Jimbo Kimble. It's funny just how stupid it is. It's preposterously dumb. Well, yeah. You were like, fuck it. I couldn't get anything in edgewise because I was just laughing too hard. Yeah.

You were just Harlem Globetrottering over us. Jimbo Kimble. I don't listen to the episodes anymore, but I listen to the Best Of episode. I was just like both proud and like both in like horror at both how funny we are and how dumb the things we make are. Yeah, like this is genuinely a good episode. And when people were like, man, the fudge lord really helped with my divorce. Yeah, I was going to kill myself, but then I heard that sketch about the purge

and marrying your dad. Yeah, and I thought, well, I mean, when you put it like that. Yeah, by the way, the guy on Twitter who was just like, well, there's no laws during the purge, so how would you get legally married? I said it there, I'll say it here. Shut up, nerd.

Yeah, no, I'm going to co-sign that. Yeah, you can kick rocks with that shit, buddy. Yeah, because fuck you, that's why. Yeah. Well, he got the point of the sketch. Yeah, he definitely got it. That's what's important. That's a man who understands everything.

At Jesse Wagner says, have you become disillusioned by comedy at all? Are there any particular stories where you got to peek behind the curtain and found something truly disappointing about your passion? Oh, every day. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't know if I'd say I'm disillusioned. I think it's my perception of comedy like, comedy and sort of making shit is, like, change. It's like you get to the reality of it, and then you have to be like, is this still fine?

Do you love it enough for this or no? Yeah, sure, yeah. I literally wept to Connor about this last night. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, sure, it's bullshit, but, I mean, what are you going to do? Go be an accountant? Like, whatever. like, sure, it's bullshit, but I mean, what are you going to do? Go be an accountant? Like, whatever.

Like, shut up. I literally have nothing. Like, it's either this or I'm working at a gas station. There's no middle ground for me. I don't even know that you could do that. Oh, no, I got fired for actually giving somebody $100 when I worked at a gas station. Well, I hope for my sake you get another one. Hey, Tom, could you break this $300 bill, please?

Yeah, we're going to the bank in time. I'm getting one pack of gum. Yeah, so it's like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, my thing is there's bullshit about comedy, but there's bullshit about any job you can have. Right. The comedy bullshit is better than you have to wear a tie and you can't say fuck. At the end of the day, you still get to do comedy, and that's what's amazing about it.

Yeah, and it's, you know, I mean, our thing with this podcast is always like some of the stuff you have to do to, you know, make money and sort of succeed in this business might suck and be not super fun, but it justifies being able to do this. You know who I weirdly relate to about it? I think it was David Ick, the lizard people guy. Okay. Who was like... Great start. Yeah, no, he said something that really was profound to me.

He was like, you know, I mean, sure, we're all lizard people and we're living under government control and we're doomed but when i go speak at these events and i meet the people i feel the joy of humanity in there somewhere you know and i'm like i'm so at the same way lizard man i mean sure we're all lizards but we all enjoy christmas movies at tom's house yeah when you really get right down to it oh dude i mean i forgot about tom's lizard viewing party that's like when they did all women Wonder Woman. You know, you're gonna do all lizard fucking Cronenberg movie or whatever you watch. That all

Aquana screening of Boondock Saints over at Tom's place. At Vampire, it says, hey, mean boys, have you guys been considering doing specials? I know I mentioned doing an election day special with Keith's mom. You mean like fucking Tom? I'm sorry. I think it'd be pretty good to get some special episodes, like a holiday special.

That would be fun to do at some point. We've talked about it a lot. It would be. Yeah, I had a Christmas special planned out for Stark Week that I started writing and then realized would kill Connor. I think, well, didn't Jessica and I, we had her on, we called it the Independence Day special the first time. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Because it wasn't around Fourth of July. Yeah. Yeah, but that's not really a special. I don't know. We've talked about it. You know what it is? It's the planning. Halloween was kind of a special.

Sort of, yeah. That would be fun. Election Day would be good, I guess. You know. Yeah, no, we've talked about that. We've got to figure out what is the insane amount of work. Because we already put a lot of work into the show. So it's like, we're going to put in more work, and we've got to plan it out.

Yeah, we'd need a couple months to situate it, I guess. Yeah, we'd have to sit down and have a really concrete plan. So I guess what we're saying is no. I mean, yeah, I'd like to, but it's also like, I unfortunately have to do other shit. Yeah, and I promise the stuff we're working on now is probably better than an Arbor Day special or whatever. Yeah, and the podcast is like, you know,

it's like 25% of my income, but it probably takes up about like 50% of my time. Yeah. You know, so like I have to try to like keep it efficient. You know what I mean? Yeah, again, this is that, you know, gay compromise you have to do in this job. But it would be funny to do one for like

some like just like Grover Cleveland's birthday or something. The dumbest possible holiday. Yeah, what's a bad one? I'm trying to think. Administrative Professionals Day. Oh, Secretary's birthday or something. The dumbest possible holiday. Yeah, what's the bad one? I'm trying to think. Administrative Professionals Day. Oh, Secretary's Day. Yeah.

Okay, well, I like you, the very PC term. That's what it's called. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was called Fax Whore Monday. Yeah, you damn fucking paper slut. That was the best Mario RPG they ever did.

Paper slut Mario. All right. We have a lot of, man, there's this one voicemail that's like a three-parter I think we should listen to that's pretty insane. There's another three-minute one. Let's take a journey with this three-parter. Let's start there. Let's do the short one first because this honestly might take forever. Yeah, I agree.

Short one first. Okay. Here we go. Hey, my name's Hardin Harry. And I'm leaving you the voicemail about... This sounds like a 15th century fat king just walked up the stairs to his study. Hey, wife, after I spousally rape you, listen to my tales of windedness. Hello, my name's

Harry Burry. I currently am winded from dialing the phone. My mother and father are brother and sister, like their brother and father before them. My hands are flippers, and my lungs are also flippers.

I am always slippery. I'm calling to request air. I'm calling in search of friction of any kind. I've not experienced it as I am always basted in myself. Hell is perpetual smoothness. It's two in the morning and you need to check your blood sugar in an even fatter, easier way. It's me, the only crying seal. Alright, well we

ran that into the ground. Dude, I hope he calls about losing weight and we just get out of the body. It probably will be. Anyway, I just lost my thumb. I really well, it sucks because that was how do I kill myself now? Hard to tie a noose with just four Simpsons fingers.

Domino's delivery driver that you guys have been talking about this week. First snark week. I finally got it finished. Got a story for you. This guy really milks it. You know what I mean? It's my third week delivering pizza. And one of my coworkers says, hey, the last time I delivered to that address, she showed up at the door naked.

And I went, okay. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? And he went, eh. All right. All right. I'm going to go over to the naked chick. I assume none of you guys have to complain about that. So I take that delivery.

He assumes we're having with him. I guess, yeah. I was warned about a long delivery time, so I knocked on the door, listened to noise happen in the house. Why do you have a full police report about when you delivered a pizza? Because I feel like this is about to turn into a crime. Well, yeah, because it's just like... And not the crime we think. I arrived on the scene at 4.43.

I had no reason to believe the suspect was armed at the time. My left blinker was out. Yep. I pulled him over for being, well, you know. And anyway, afterwards. We found the vehicle to be suspicious and delicious. Yeah, it's like I like to imagine he has a whole case journal of just, he's like, you know, for 1492 South Pine Street. Extra large pie, two minute wait, fat guy in board shorts.

Yeah, this voicemail sounds like somebody reading one of the notebooks from the beginning of seven. Yeah. You know what's hilarious? He probably slowed it down because it's really hard to, we miss a lot of things when people talk quick, so I bet he went, all right, I'm going to slow it down so people can understand me, and then we've just mocked him the whole time. Or he's on heroin. Or he's really fat.

That's the other thing. He could just be fat which is great and the noise happened in the house 45 seconds a minute later sure shit she comes to the door butt ass naked yeah i went I don't know what he defined as good because she was a very attractive lady. Oh, God. A very attractive lady. I do declare. However, she was wearing two things, a collar and a leash. Yeah!

Whoa, hey! What I was not prepared for was the small Asian woman wearing a strap-on holding the other end of that leash. Whoa! Okay, all right. I like it. I like it. That's a fun pizza delivery. I'm from central Kansas.

That's still one of my greatest days ever I bet yeah and best stories I got you also have the email with the video link to that story what

I appreciate you guys I finally have called in Email with the video link to that story. What? What? I appreciate you guys. I finally have called in, and you heard my voice. Thank you guys for what you do. Well, you're welcome, man. Thanks for what you do. Wait, wait, wait. Did you whoop me? I don't think he whooped.

Well, I mean, she was getting fucked by that Asian girl. Okay, find this email. While you're finding that, I'll point out, if you're an Asian lady with a strap on. Sure, sure, yeah. As I often am. You're a lesbian Asian dom, and you have a woman on a leash. And, again, you're Asian. You've got a person on a leash, and you go to eat the pussy.

And you're eating out somebody on a leash, and you're Asian. And you don't make the Asians eat dogs joke once. You have no comedy in your heart. Well, oh, okay. Well, so there seems to be a video here of this. What? All right, this is on Pornhub.com. So get ready for some porn audio.

Hey, where do you think you're going? You're going to work for your dinner tonight. Why don't you join us? Hey, who says you can get up? Suck on it. Okay, we are now watching. Yeah, this is, well, I mean, are you just, is this, was this your story or are you just giving us a really good summary of the porn? Yeah.

There you go. I hear heavy breathing, but that might be the dog. That dildo is so curved. Hey, hurry up. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Hang on. What? Oh, sorry. No, it looks like they're going to the door.

Oh, okay. Yeah, let's see. And maybe, whoa, this got 122,000 views. Damn. Oh, all right. They're coming to the door. Such a nice flame. Get going. I'm from Central Kansas.

Just lock in the door. Hurry up. What if you check the name on the pizza tractor and go like, Gene, that seems like a guy. Pizza tractor? Pizza tractor. That's what this guy delivers on. That's your dream car, the pizza tractor.

All right, so yeah. They're at the door. She's on the leash. Pizza. Pizza guy. Hello're at the door. She's on the leash. Pizza. Hello. Hello. Can you let that one out for me? I will, too.

Okay. She has to sign for a pizza naked on a leash. Why do you sign for a pizza? I think it's the receipt. That is funny to be like, just give me your John Hancock there, and then you own this pizza now.

This rules. Having a good night, sir? I don't think you guys are going to see this. I wish I was having a good night. You guys are. Grab it. Hurry up. Yeah, it's got the same voice.

What's great is you also can't see him. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. is you also can't see him. He's like Wilson. Thank you. Have a good night. You too. Feel good. Spin over a little bit.

He's so mad because he realized this video was probably going to end before they eat the pizza. Oh, my God. Oh, no. You've got to fuck her over the pizza. Oh, shit. Yes. Yes. Oh, the smell is wafting up.

This is your biggest fantasy. This is the hottest shit I've ever seen in my life. Honestly, I'm not even into lesbian porn, and I'm having a pretty good time. Yeah, this is a... Pizza guy. I need you to know sincerely... We've got to end this video early for some reason. I don't want to tell why. Pizza guy.

Yeah, I know. I have one too. I'm sincerely going to jerk off to you later, pizza guy. Wow. Yeah, honestly. That's amazing. My biggest issue with comedy right now to you later, pizza guy. Wow. Yeah, honestly. That's amazing. My biggest issue with comedy right now is it's not pizza delivery. That is a fucking, yeah.

Wow. I can't believe that's actually him. I think that sounded like him. I think it was actually him. Yeah, why would he lie? Yeah, wow. Fucking great story, dude. It's nice to meet a celebrity.

I'm disillusioned with comedy now. Yeah. I want to do this. I had this happen to me. Do you know this story? No. I worked for this app it was like a mom and pop app called schleppenfest oh yeah where you delivered food to people it was like postmates schleppenfest sounds like one of those german words like schadenfreude from like a feeling we don't have a word for the bad guy from underwoman is yeah

schleppenfest is like that word for when you're walking the same direction after you already said goodbye yes exactly yeah yeah so i was like i was working on this app and basically like i went to Schleppenfetch is like that word for when you're walking the same direction after you already said goodbye. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So I was working on this app. And basically, I went to the onboarding orientation meeting. And the staff of this app was just the people that were too sketchy to get into Postmates. Like, my driving record was too bad, so they wouldn't let me in for a while. But I got into Schleppenfetch. Right. So they'll take anybody.

Yeah, I'm just surrounded by the fucking parole super friends, basically. You know? And they send you out on deliveries. And you have a dispatch guy that you talk to on this app called Viber, which is, I think, like what people in Africa, like one of those kind of like WhatsApp, you know, like a developing world messenger app kind of a thing. So I'm on this sketchy app, and you have to take a picture of your receipt, and it's called Recon. He's like, can you send me the Recon? Yeah, sure.

So I'm doing this, and then I go to this fucking deliver some canners to some part it was all canners deliveries for whatever reason so i just went to canners like every day and uh i opened the door and this guy is like i'm putting it all this big catering order in his house and he's getting ready for a party and then this naked asian woman just walks outside she's like on drugs she doesn't notice me for like eight seconds and then she's like holy shit and i'm like yeah i don't know i was right here i didn't want to be like hello uh but then the secret guy she ran away and then i was like dude i just saw a naked She's like, holy shit. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I was right here. I didn't want to be like, hello. Yeah, I wasn't a secret guy. She ran away.

And then I was like, dude, I just saw a naked chick. He's like, could you send me a recon on that? Man, that's so cool. It was pretty sweet, dude. I was honestly like, this is, I got the full pizza delivery guy experience. Man. I had none of that experience with schlepping. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. No, a lot of people yelled at me. Yeah, I went to go drop off a bag of Burger King, and then this Mexican guy with a big curved dick runs out. Roma! I barely know him. It was like a scimitar coming out of his waist. It's a scimitar. All right.

Well, I think that's the podcast for this week. What do we have to plug, fellas? We're going back on the damn road in spring. Yeah, we're going to be plugging that very, very soon. Yeah, those dates will be live. We're working on it right now. In the next couple weeks, we'll have all those ticket links up. So, yeah, we'll be back out there.

Get on the email list if you want to pre-sell tickets. They'll be a little bit cheaper. Yeah. Jump on the tour sheet if you're not already. It's linked in the show notes at the top of our website. It's pretty much everywhere. We base where we go off how many of you guys jump on that tour sheet and tell us to go there.

So if you're tweeting us like, oh, come to Bumblefuck, Nebraska or whatever. Yeah, you got it. Get 20 friends to fill out the tour sheet and we'll go to Bumblefuck, Nebraska. Exactly. And I'm going to be headlining a pizza place in Fresno. Goddamn right you are. Yeah, I'm doing so well and I've changed. So yeah, you can get tickets for that on my Facebook this Friday and Saturday.

And that'll be fun. I really haven't gone to Fresno and yelled at everybody in a little while. Yeah. Yeah, I got some other cool stuff that I'm working on that's not – different non-Mean Boys projects that I won't announce yet. But stay tuned. I got some stuff in the crock pot I think you guys will enjoy. Yeah, what do you guys got?

You guys got any shows? Yeah. On January 6th, I will be headlining the Punchline in Sacramento at 7. You know this comes out on the 8th, right? Oh, well, then I already did that. And thank you all for coming. Tomorrow night, January 9th, I'll be headlining the Madhouse down in San Diego. Oh, wait, no.

I'm at the Madhouse this weekend. I'm in Fresno later in the month. Sorry. All right. Well, I'm at the Madhouse on the 9th. That's definitely where I am. Yeah. And if you're in the Los Angeles area, January 27th,

I am recording my second album, Partylicious, at the Chatterbox in West Covina. Come on out. It's going to be a fucking great show. All the boys will be there. Yeah, we'll be there. Yeah, and I want as many boys' heads there as possible. Yeah, and look, you've got to go see the kid.

He's in rare form. Be a part of history. Yeah, come party. Your new shit's really fucking good. Thanks, man. I really recommend it. I'm more on Connor's side here, but I appreciate the support. Barber the course.

Fuck you. January 20th in Newport Beach. I'm featuring at Gunwale Ale. So come out to that. And then the 21st, I'm at the Ha Ha Cafe. You only perform in places that are also World of Warcraft quest dispatch zones. Well, yeah, I talked to the orc there. And if I get these kobolds out of his garden, I get 10 gold.

That's halfway to a sucking super potion or whatever. I don't know how your games work. Anyway, that's the show. Thanks for ringing in the new year with us. I love you guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Oh, well, that's what you told mom, too,

and now she's getting deep-dicked by a 300-pound Taco Bell manager. Is that what you want from me, too? Sorry, that's really funny.