Mean Boys - EP 177 - Space Barbecue

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/existential-crisis/id1449291796?mt=2 Sign up for Stitch Fix at http://stitchfix.com/meanboys and get 25% off your first box! Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-the-best-podcast-app/id1275493456?mt=8 Get on our email list for tour updates: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

special bulletin uh i have a new podcast called existential crisis with me and my horrible context girlfriend jessica michelle singleton that is out right now uh we dropped our preview episode episode zero it's going to start releasing weekly on valentine's day and uh speaking of that if you have any uh breakup queries for our valentine's day spectacular questions uh send them to existential crisis the podcast at gmail.com I wish there were more letters in that email address. Yeah, no, it's really great job, Jessica. You know, there's none of the, by the way, none of those words are possible to be abbreviated.

No, no, no. The the doesn't even really need the, who invited the to the party. Pod could easily be pod or cast if you want to go that far. Show. X, you know, X pod show crisis. X crisis pod. Anything would have been... Hitler's right

at Gmail would have been better. But that's what we're stuck with. So send us some shit over there. Go listen to the first episode. There's going to be another preview episode before it all starts launching. But yeah, it's really fun. I had a really good time talking with you. That one, I won't say it'll be sincere, but that podcast takes place in reality

as opposed to here, which the balance is between the fudge scape and are we doing Tom's dumb this week or Tom's smart this week? We're building the Marvel Universe of podcasts where there's a bunch of pocket dimensions. This is Earth 616. Yeah, this is the Daredevil TV show where it's technically kind of, but it's grittier. Tom's going to start a podcast in dimension 69, 420. Exactly.

And it's funny. I just go pop over and just tap subscribe. It's real easy. And I think you guys would dig it or at least the voicemail. We have the best voicemail line, Tampa area code 813. I'm so sad. Ladies and gentlemen, it's 813. I am SOSAD.

It's also the number for the world's first nonconsensual phone sex line. Yes. How long has she had that number on retainer? I feel like she's had that for a long time. Yeah, no, well, she got it,

you know, it was on a Pinterest board for her wedding day, I assume, like most of the things If you say I'm so sad in a mirror three times, Jessica will appear behind you

and just be going through a lot right now. And just start doing a one-woman show in your bedroom. Exactly. I was born a young girl. No, I love Jessica.

I love you. I think this is going to be a really fun show and I'm excited to listen to it. Yeah, man, I'm a young girl. I love Jessica. I love you. I think this is going to be a really fun show and I'm excited to listen. Yeah, man. I'm a super pretend to listen to it. Oh, yeah. I'm kidding. I'm actually going to listen to it. Oh, I don't give a shit.

I don't want you guys to look at anything I do because I respect your opinions and I want to. That's very sweet in a very shitty way. Well, I don't want it because if you give me feedback on something, I may actually have to consider doing something about it. Right. Yeah. As opposed to anybody else where I actually have to consider doing something about it. Right. Yeah, I get that. As opposed to anybody else where I can go, yeah, this swine?

Yeah. Like, I care about. I know nothing of art. I need nothing of your input. Away from me, devil person. But back to Mean Boys World. So much fun shit going on. We're going back on tour.

Locking dates for that right now. Fill out that tour sheet if you haven't already. Yeah. Links in the show notes. Now's the time, but we're starting to lock in shows. We're very excited to launch about that. We're excited to come see you guys yeah and if you're not uh not on there the email list make sure you subscribe because we're sending early ticket links out to uh to mailing list people to give them the first crack for uh for a little bit of

a discount and uh the 500 itunes reviews tase tom challenges it's still going on come on come on out and uh and it's percolating yeah yeah but Raise those reviews so that someone can put a lot of electricity in me. Yeah. Someone already sent us the taser. We're locked and loaded. We got live shows coming up. Let's get to 500. I mean, it's not going to be that long.

We got to lock this in. What else do I got to do for you people? I'm going to get tased. Fucking send it. Put down an IT review. You can't press four buttons to electrocute your favorite podcast host? Yeah. You don't have to write us a whole thing.

You can just be like, Tom is gay or whatever. Yeah, just write down hurt Tom smiley emoji, and I will know what it means. This is a good simple one. Lady listener, five stars. Funny and obscure enough to borrow material to get laid at a party. Nice. And you know what it means if she's trying to be funny to get laid at a party? She's fat.

So hell yeah. Up top on that one. You know what it means that she labeled herself lady listener? She's a dude. That's one of the first commandments of the internet. I actually left that iTunes review. I don't know if you know. I'm kidding.

Leave another review to shock Tom Wright and his new pussy. Why is your iTunes username Jess Sickle? That seems weird. I like to go undercover. There's a lot of cooking shows. I can't let anybody know. As long as we're plugging shit, I'm recording my second album

on January 27th in the Los Angeles area at the Chatterbox in West Covina. If you guys are anywhere near LA and you want to come out to that, you should. It's going to be dope.

I want to see as many of you guys as I can. It's all free. Both the Mean Boys and Nicole Buchanan are going to be opening for me. It's going to be dope. I want to see as many of you guys as I can. It's all free. Both the Mean Boys and Nicole Buchanan are going to be opening for me. It's going to be a fucking real good time. I'm excited for it. Go check that out. We had Dave Cyrus on the Patreon

bonus episode this week. It was fucking awesome. Always great to see Dave. And if you want to listen to another hour of Mean Boys every single week, it's only $5 a month. And $10 a month, you get a little prize in the mail. We just sent out all of our fucking Mark Malloy calendar magnets for the year so you guys can know what the date is, you know, whenever you're getting a snack. And those are in the damn mail.

But this month we're doing cone zone keychains, you know, for all the grassroots supporters of America's worst hypothetical business. Get in the zone, cone zone. Not even really a good version of the AutoZone jingle. All you're playing is steal the jingle. Get in the car, two cone zones. Not enough syllables, not hitting the notes, no passion. One word was the same, and then you're like,

I can make this work. If I'm Mark Cuban right now, my money pussy is dry. That's such a bad idea. You couldn't even sell it to Mark Guatemalan. Mark Honduras. Yeah. Mark Honduras, maybe. So, yeah. Fuck with us on Patreon.

Sorry. Fuck with Connor at a neck full of goop. Yeah. Tongue fucked somebody with a yeast infection the other day. So, yeah.

Do that. Follow us on the socials, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and fuck with the Discord and the subreddit. Enjoy some simulating conversation other day uh so yeah do that follow us on the socials twitter instagram facebook and uh fuck with the discord in the subreddit enjoy some uh conference simulating conversation with your peers about what's keith dick actually like and actually under the balls porn angles are good and i do love peering into like i'll periodically just check into the discord and it just feels like that episode of the simpsons where lisa accidentally makes a pocket universe for a science project

oh yeah and every time i go in there look i'm like well this has gotten out of control And it just feels like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa accidentally makes a pocket universe for a science project. Oh, yeah. And every time I go in there, look, I'm like, well, this has gotten out of control. No, I look at the Discord like Oppenheimer at the mushroom cloud. Just what the hell hath I wrought? I have become dork, destroyer of fuck. I went in there. Yeah, the fucking Boggy Vod Gundam has come to fruition. Yeah, I went in there one time and I put down my Twitter and Instagram handle as my actual handle.

And everyone stopped talking and went, well, this was not expected. Yeah, I went in there one time and I put down my Twitter and Instagram handle as my actual handle. And everyone stopped talking and went, well, this was not expected. It's just a very weird, but yeah, it's fun in there. Yeah, I enjoyed special confused Tom cameos from time to time. But yeah, I think that's just about all the business out of the way. So now you got to do sit back, relax and enjoy. This week's Just the Boys edition of the mean boys podcast right now Hey everybody, welcome to the mean boys podcast Santa knows that cropped that baby out of the picture of your friend's pregnancy boobs so you could jack off.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... An axe murderer trying to infiltrate a junior high school. Undercover axe murderer. Well, Tom is wearing... Hello, fellow teens. Tom is wearing, first of all, the best outfit I've ever seen Tom wear. Which is on accident.

It's like a colorful stripy sweater and you got a free Ducks hat that's like a 90s retro throwback thing. It really does seem like you're trying to be like, I'm one of you, and then kids start going missing. Yeah, Tom has the carpet of a bad bowling alley from 1986 on his head. Oh man, yeah, it's the

background from every Burger King Kids Club advertisement. Yeah, there's some sort of unreleased Duran Duran video taking place on your skull right now with the Ducks logo in the middle of it. I don't know what it was in the 90s where we got real excited about, like, gay-ass geometry as a design aesthetic. How did we forget about triangles? Yeah, look at all these fucking rhombuses, bro. Yeah, dude. Well, yeah, just all that, like, every fucking aha is just like, and then lines.

Whoa, they're just putting them together. No one even thought about this. It's so fucking hardcore. Yeah. Yeah. But you look good, Tom. You do look good. Yeah, man.

You went to another hockey game? How was that? We lost in overtime to Ottawa. They lost. You watched. Is losing to Ottawa, because they're Canadians, so I assume they'd be good, or is it like losing to the Bears? One, the Bears were good this season.

All right, well, that seems like you're trying to build some leeway for the Ducks got beat by a shitty team. And, yeah, they're being good. See, the Canadians just go everywhere. You don't keep Canadian players on Canadian teams. And Ottawa is terrible. Yeah yeah it's pretty it's it was it was yeah they're bad but so i guess that makes sense because i guess i sort of assumed it was segregated where it's just yeah the whatever the opposite of a negro league is yeah the fucking

the honky division yeah the oregon league yeah cracker branch yeah it does feel weird that we're just we're i guess it's fair because canadians are the black people of hockey yeah i mean that's just every once in a while i'm sure there's a chinese guy that you know was too near some sort of meltdown that gets eight feet tall but i mean canadians are the money race hilariously i love korea who's half korean was the uh the one asian player i love oh and hockey yeah hockey guy and he's just like a normal hockey player but then when the gloves come off all of a sudden he just starts doing jackie chan what was he like in interviews was he just like yeah i'm as surprised as you are like what was his whole take on well he was raised he

was raised in canada or something like that but that, but I think he had dual citizenship or some shit. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, he was too worried getting his brain mashed in by big men to really think about being Korean that much. That's a good point. Yeah. You know how hard it is to collide the math out of him? I mean, they did it.

He just fell out of them like rings in Sonic. Yeah, we're going to hit him until he's white, people. Yeah, just one crunch. You're like, there went Calc 2. It's right there, right there on the ice. All right, well, we were supposed to have Rob Christensen on the show, but he had to cancel because I was late because I had to go to a meeting. And I just spaced on it.

I was writing something else, and I was all fucking in my head, and I just fucking spaced. Everything was completely my fault, but I got there. Yeah, I was in the room. I just hear, else, and I was all fucking in my head, and I just fucking spaced. And everything was completely my fault. But I got there. Yeah, I was in the room. I just hear, oh, fuck. And then I see you run out the door. No, exactly.

And I was running over. I didn't have time to bathe or shower, clean out my face. I'm like, fuck, I stink. I've looked better. And I get there, and I no shit Febrezed myself in the bathroom. Dude, I've done that hustle. As a part of a new series i'm calling fuck boy 30 rock my name is jake lemon and i'm banging your daughter and i go through your medicine cabinet my favorite thing is i know how like aggro you get when you're late to anything that's the word so i'm just picturing a montage of you being late to this but it's set to like the fucking power of

love for back to the future like him getting to school all cool late in the morning. But it's you just calling traffic gay and just vaping furious. Well, the problem with being late in L.A. is it's not like you can even like do any kind of dramatic Bruce Willis driving 90 on the freeway shit. It's just you have to just wait patiently for it to be over. Yeah, you have to just wait into hip deep failure and just accept it. Yeah, you gotta to just wade into hip-deep failure and just accept it. Yeah, you've got to be late or take out a bunch of pedestrians. Your choice. Yeah, you've either got to go full Halo Warthog summer of 2003

or just sit there and just have it take a really long time to go to a building where people are annoyed with you. Yeah, pretty much. And then you drive to the other side of town to go home where people are annoyed with you. It's the only city where I genuinely feel like you could make a pretty good argument. Like if you were a middle class income person in the industry, then a helicopter would be a good investment. Yeah. And that's so lame.

No, for real. I'm surprised that rich guys don't just have a like, well, yeah, I took the copter or whatever. Like the Uber version of helicoptering. The other day there was a fucking jaywalker who just walked in front of my car as I'm late to head to a show. And my immediate thought was like, he better speak English. Never thought that before in my life. Because I want him to hear all of the things I'm about to scream at him. I want him to understand every crude word that comes out of this man.

Yeah, I prepped up a piping hot faggot and I don't want it to bounce off a wall of Indian confusion. Yeah. Order up. Thwack. Ding, ding.

I do like that. Well, then my Uber's here thing. You just see a rope ladder descend from the sky. Oh, man. Just dangling over Culver City. Suck my dick, everyone else. Yeah, just some fucking guy

in a tap out shirt's like, well, that'll be me. Yeah. Oh, man. i uh i was one of my favorite part of it doing the shows and now i just have people that like reply to my tweets where before they would just go into the ether and no one gave a shit but now someone's like oh yeah that actually reminds me of this and i tweeted some i don't remember exactly what it was but it was a who it was a nobody likes theikes-the-under-the-balls-doggy-style-porn-angle thing. Right. And I got this guy just, Well, actually, the gay community is a big fan of Under the Balls, and I will not have it slandered on my timeline. And I was just like, oh, now I've made it.

I've got people. Watch your foot. Oh, okay. You're going to not. All right, all right, yeah. He linked you to a subreddit called Sackdanglers. Yeah, and just immediately, it was just like, oh, dude, I'm having porn angles mansplained to me anonymously. This is awesome.

I watch plenty of gay porn. It's still not an angle I love. I'm not going to turn it off if it pops up, but I'll skim through and get. You want a nice profile doggy. I feel like that should go to angle. I'm not a hetero supremacist because I don't like to jack off to something. I have to say that it is not a common thing. The fact, it's like getting a cheese pizza at a party where it's like there's two slices missing and that's always the last to go.

It's that. And it's like that, but instead it's on almost every porn. So it's like if you always got five cheese and five pepper, get 45 seconds of it for that one guy, and he can make a gif if he really needs to loop it because he can't get himself worked up in time. You can't make the whole Marvel movie the Stan Lee cameo. Yeah. I mean, it's special because he's only in there for a minute. So if you love him, you're like, oh, there he is. But then everyone else can have a good time around him.

Yeah, he was saggy. I know. What made you stand these nuts drooping over Thor's dumb, beautiful face? What bummed me out about it was like, look at my scrote, true believers. This is porn star I like. And someone leaked a scene of hers that was unreleased or whatever. And she's been retired for a while. And I was like, oh, boy, I never thought I'd see another scene of this lady. She's so hot. I'm going to jack off to it right now. And it was all Stanleased or whatever. And she's been retired for a while. And I was like, oh boy, I never thought I'd see another scene of this lady.

She's so hot. I'm going to jack off to it right now. And it was all Stan Lee fucking her. It was all Stan Lee. He was not even a Watu Stan Lee. I'm making Jack Kirby watch. Yeah, it was just FedEx driver from Daredevil Stan Lee. And I was like, what the fuck is this?

No, and then it's all under the balls. I'm like, this is like if you got the police back together and were like, just do Roxanne. No, that's the worst one. What? No, I don't really care. How dare you? That's the best one.

That's a bad analogy. You actually look like Sting right now. It is not the only good one. Yeah. I fuck for the same amount of time, but the woman is nowhere near satisfied. You have bad tantric sex. I do tantric apologizing. It's seven hours long and I hate it.

Here's the part where I explain to you all the reasons this went wrong from my childhood. Yeah, you could show her the entirety of the Ken Jennings baseball documentary and it would still be more come worth. Well, it worked because I didn't come. Not Ken Jennings. If that often occurs, just make a brochure or something. That way you don't have to explain it from fresh every time. What to do when you've been disappointed in bed by Connor McSpenney. So you're not getting off tonight.

Yeah, yeah. There's just like a bunch of phone numbers in the back of other guys that have better dicks than I do. The five stages of grief. Acceptance. Denial. Quiet vibrator usage. Going to the bathroom to text your friends and complain about it. Other girls you've given it to, names crossed

off and hers written down in a sharpie. There's a convenient list of excuses as to why you have to get up early in the morning so you can leave. I have a dentist appointment on the other side of town. Wow, this thing is really handy. And my helicopter Uber is late. Man, I'll tell you, when I fuck someone poorly, no one's nicer about

it than me. You're getting a nice breakfast. We're listening to whatever you want to listen to in the car. I really do try to uh try to uh you know hey at least you're you may have had a bad stay at our resort but how about a comp room or whatever exactly yeah and a gift card sorry you found a hair in the soup your meals on us yeah yeah i feel like we we share the feeling of always fucking poor i feel like i don't know if it's you just i was i was on a hot streak and i was and i was just like i'm i'm ready don't know if it's you just exude confidence. I was on a hot streak and I was just like, I'm ready.

But the thing is, it's just, what happened was, I should have. I've been on a cold streak since I was 20. I will say, I feel like I fucked.

Before that, you were fucking great when you were 12. Oh no, I just hadn't fucked yet. I feel like I fucked good in general, but no one bats a thousand.

And like, when I eat shit, I eat shit and feel bad about it for like three months. Oh yeah, dude. And it's not like stand-up where I've done it, I eat shit and then feel bad about it for like three months. Oh, yeah, dude. And it's not like stand up where I've done it. I've had sex when maybe 300 times and I've done, you know, 2000 sets where I'm like,

I'll do another one later tonight or I'll get to. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I can go wash the taste out of my mouth. I tweeted this. I'm going to wait till I'm back in Modesto. I tweeted this out earlier today, but this morning I had the thought like, oh, man, you guys ever fuck someone so poorly you start to hate men, too? Like, that's... You just, like, grow a sweater.

Yeah, just fucking, I get it. Yeah, man. That's enough. I think we covered it. I thought I had another angle, and I was like, no, we kind of just already said that. The one angle, and it was under the balls, and no one had a good time. All right, we're all fired. I was getting to the fucking Mexican joke off everybody.

Ay, so topical. I'll take it away this week. Okay. Fucking mix it up or whatever. There it is. Five girls died in an escape room in Poland. A Polish escape room is known to the rest of the world as an unlocked door. Yes.

Yes. Every article I read about it, it just seemed like they were just like, hey, these girls are like super dead, so let's maybe not do any fucking light bulb jokes in the comments. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, fucking, well, I tried to watch that video on my submarine, but water kept coming in. I don't know. I just screamed doors.

Nah. A man was caught on surveillance cameras licking an intercom for several hours. When he was finally stopped, he said, yeah, the snozzberries really do taste like snozzberries. Some girl just tagged me in that video. This girl I don't even know that well. The doorbell licker? Yeah, it was just like, hey, Connor, look at this. And I'm like, are you trying to fuck?

What's he doing? No, no, no. She's implying that you licked it for seven hours and nobody came. No, I never even, I don't even think I've given this woman a hug. It was just some lady I kind of know. Anyway, 500 people attended the last rites of a 130-year-old crocodile in India last week. I'm just glad we got Keith's mom on the podcast before she died. She's a 130-year-old Indian crocodile. Yep, that all tracks.

Which ugliest kind of crocodile to be. They're doing an autopsy on my mother, and they're just pulling out, like, half a goat and, like, tin cans and one of their weird oobity-doobity guts. A bunch of forehead jewels she tried to smoke. A new study shows that the rate of police suicides is rising in Chicago. So I guess they call it the Windy City on account of all them bagpipes. Oh, that's a good joke. I love bagpipes at a funeral.

Yeah. Yeah, I want bagpipes. Add that to my list. Because no one has a good time. Who I assume is keeping track of my funeral requests. Loser of the pie eating contest has to play the bagpipe. Yes. No lessons and you got to keep going.

Yeah. By the way, I'm naming Ryan Colby the executor of my funeral. I just decided that's his job. When I worked with the Queen Mary, they do this thing called Scots Fest on it like once a year where it's just like, it's not a white power rally per se, but it is a bunch of white power looking guys in kilts doing weird Scottish bullshit. Yeah. here where it's just like it's not a white power rally per se but it is a bunch of white power looking guys in kilts doing weird scottish bullshit yeah and there would just be like 20 bagpipers around the premises at the same time so it's just this cacophony of fuck and i remember

me and my buddy does it at least sound like they're all playing the same song 47s in israel but it's like bagpipes you know just armed guards yeah they're going like deliverance style back and forth they're playing together i mean no one's ever heard a bagpipe and able to like pick out what song is being played it's all just flop that's the name of the song what it is is oh that one bagpipe song you know like that's the closest you get yeah there's one song on the bagpipes and it's called oh god damn it but we would stand on the railing and we would there was like a parking lot where there was always like the loudest guy was down there like welcoming people to the boat right we would just like whip pens at him and shit.

Our plan was we wanted to try and get one right into the fucking pipe and choke him to death. Oh, that would be fucking nice. Yeah. A man's truck went up in flames, but he is thankful that his Bible was somehow left completely unscathed. He is truly relieved and already planning on driving his Bible to work every day. The U.S. fertility rate has declined for a seventh year in a row. Researchers cited a number of factors, including the availability of contraception and the popularity of Mountain Dew Code Raw. I was thinking, like, they have that whole myth about lowering their sperm count.

Why doesn't Mountain Dew just lean into it and say, like, if you drink this every day, you won't ever get a woman pregnant? That is male birth control. That would honestly solve so many problems in America. If there's just a product you could buy at the gas station that stopped you from being able to create children, like, fucking, we don't have all these. Oh, thousand percent. That would be amazing. Yeah.

Right. It would be like voluntary eugenics. Well, have you read about the surgery that they're, like, testing for dudes? No. They're testing it, like, India or somewhere in Asia or something. But basically what it is is they go into your dick and they do a little chop suey or whatever.

And they like, they basically, they flip a switch where you just, you come blanks. And then if you ever decide you want a baby, they go in there, do a little.

I used to have a bit about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. I would do that in a heartbeat. Oh fuck, now I gotta remember how that bit went. That's a pretty good bit. Yeah, I could.

I was gonna remind you, I'm like, I don't wanna give away the premise, but yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I forgot you had i forgot you had i forgot how it all this is a later thing i gotta remember how i have intimacy problems so i'd like a dimmer switch i'd like a 10 i'm like all right we'll start up with a 10 chance i'm a gambler like let's set it to five and roll the dice i mean look rod doggins not hot if i'm sure it's not going to be an issue. Let's make it a plan B weekend. Hey-o.

Man, the best of all time is when there's a girl that had just had, like, made it so she biologically could have not children. Right. You know, so she had a full STD panel. Not children. I had a full STD panel, and I just walked into that pussy like Neil fucking Armstrong. I was like, nothing can hurt me here. I am infallible. Yeah, it was like one of those rooms where they make microchips.

It was just the most beautiful place I've ever been. You said not children. Is that a Siamese twin? Is that what a not children is? Yeah, they're all tied up. Yeah, she can only give birth to old men. Yeah. An astronaut accidentally dialed 911 from orbit.

He then frantically reported a family of black holes having a space barbecue at the Astro Park. Space barbecue. There it is. There's the title. Houston, we have a property value issue. The body of a... She goes on the phone. What's that one app that people just use to say, like, there's like a neighborhood watch app,

and always what it is is like, there's something black happening. It's called like Next Door or something, and it's always just people going like, there's something black happening. It's called, like, Next Door or something, and it's always just people going, like, I heard a rap song, and it's 7.30 p.m. One of those is around. Yeah, yeah. There's something very dark taking place near me, and I'd like it to stop.

The fucking KK Ways is no good. Yep. The body of a seven-year-old was found in a storage unit In Denver Dan Dotson from Storage Wars Stated Forty dollars Storage Wars

Is that like I used to just Me and my parents Would just watch trash TV shows I was like the last one I probably watched with them Before I like moved out of the house And I was doing comedy and shit

So when I was like 18, 19 And fucking It's the best shit ever Yeah It's just like the ultimate turn your brain off like oh wow i can't believe he found another rare baseball like it's okay yeah oh it's aggressively faked man jared and there's this place called franken sons near me and when it's in walnut oh i know franken sons i went there for magic shit yeah

yeah i would go play yugioh thereOh! there. But they have just like random celebrities. And they had Jared and Brandy from Star Wars doing one. I want to go and just pretend to be a way bigger fan than I am. You got to wonder if anybody gave a shit. You guys helped me and my wife get with... We saw you struggling and you figured it out. And now we've got nine kids. And I just want to know if I can have a job at your consignment shop.

Just fully just lie. This dude whose wife I was fucking for a little bit. Of course. Like his deal. But he ran a storage facility, and I guess they came in at one point, and he was in charge of helping set up the fake fucking situation. Oh, yeah. I actually have a question. This came up earlier.

You were talking about gay porn. When you're in a relationship, do you watch more gay porn or less gay porn? It really has very little to do with being in a relationship. I just kind of go through phases. I've been on kind of a gay porn kick lately. Gotcha. But I've already done funny gay porn that I like. I don't know what it is about it, but some of the way...

Because you're straight. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, exactly. Because I'm a liar. I'm a fraud. Yeah, I'm faking it. That's totally worth all that cum in my neck to get on one bad LGBT showcase every six months. You got me.

It took three words for me to press such a button. Yeah, well, yeah, I've been getting called a faggot for 20 years, but hey, it's super neat that I get to bomb sometimes. I was kidding, buddy. No, I know you were. When he said 20 years, that's just, we did 20 years worth of calling you that on the three years of the podcast. Yeah, you really crammed it all in. in yeah we guantanamo bay pipe fed you i got guantanamo gain yeah exactly yeah i was always curious about that for by dudes like do they watch more gay porn because i have no access to dudes or do they you watch less because you're

you're in a relationship you just have when i'm in a relationship i end up watching porn of the chicks that look like the girl i'm dating i do the same thing where i'm like how how much of a fucking cuck am i like well i'm just like i like fucking that one lady especially because i'm in a long distance thing so it's like yeah i'm gonna look at people who kind of look like you getting fucked until i get to fuck you again because that's like my favorite thing to do yeah dude this fucking guy oh my god i'm gonna forget his name his last name is baker he He's a comic. But I did a weekend with him one time, and he was saying that he finds his porn avatar, which is if he has – there's a guy that looks just like – he was like, I look just like Justin Slayer.

So I just watch Justin Slayer fuck because I can easily put myself mentally in that scenario where he has his porn avatar. Dude, there's a great – I have none of that. So you would be Ron Jeremy. No offense. No, not even Ron Jeremy. There's a great series. It's called like Swiney's Pro-Am. Oh, God's a great. None of that. You would be Ron Jeremy. No, not even Roger. There's a great series.

It's called like Swiney's Pro-Am. Oh, have you seen it? No, I haven't. OK, so here's what it is. It's just like these like fat, goofy dudes. Just like pig. Just yeah. I mean, they're these goofy fat guys, but they make like pretty like sort of low budge

porn with like really, really hot people and fat. Like, did you fuck anybody who will come in? Yeah. And all the girls who reviewed are like like this is like my favorite thing to shoot with and it's just these fat guys railing these legs that's the kind of website where i better give you some sort of free i ate all the wings quick enough t-shirt like hey i got i got i got deep dicked by swineys all i got was this lousy cold sore dude swineys ribs man it's all dudes that look like me so that's if i'm trying to put myself in a porn, that's a place I go. See, when I'm in a relationship and the girlfriend's not wanting to have sex with me, I

always try to find a dude that looks like her in porn. That's snickering to her. Finally dating these sharp-jawed women pays off for you. I guess Preston Parker would be my porn avatar because whenever he... Is that the one somebody showed us? No, He's the old...

No, he's the old Bang Bros guy. Okay. So I kind of grew up with him. I got a soft spot for him in my heart. But he's also... He's just got the attitude of like, I can't believe I'm fucking this lady either. Yeah. I enjoy it where he's like, wow, this is great.

See, whenever I think I find a porn star that looks like me, it's just a foot thumbnail, so I don't really know. Yeah, listener challenge. Find our porn avatars. Yeah, find Tom's porn avatar. And mine, too. That'd be fun. Well, mine's also tricky because I look different every other fucking, every three days.

You always look threatening and kind of Russian. That's true. Oh, people think I'm Russian all the time. Yeah, you got Russian energy. For someone who's so memorable, you can really change it up. Hey, I'm very discreet for my size. I always say that. Yes, you are.

I know. I'm getting smaller. You are. change it up. Hey, I'm very discreet for my size. I always say that. Yes, you are. I'm getting smaller. You are. That sounded weird. That's a weird way to say I'm losing weight. I'm getting smaller. I am. That reads more honey.

I shrunk the kids. I'm losing mass. I'm going to get there. My new goal weight, zero pounds. I just keep up again. Whose turn was it? I don't remember. Is it my turn?

Yeah. I thought I just did mine. He did Pawn Stars. Oh, he did Pawn. Oh, then it's me. My bad. Or Storage Wars. How many have you guys done? I've only done two, yeah.

Because a homeless man behind a fraudulent $400,000 donation scheme was arrested in Philadelphia. Police found him by tracking down his eight-story high styrofoam cup full of quarters. I guess he made like a GoFundMe Which I'm surprised doesn't happen more often Well it was him and like this couple And it was some scam where like They said they were raising like a million dollars To send him to like I don't know Hobo College or some shit

And then it was like it turned out Like they just gave him a small amount of the money To go do a bunch of heroin and then they stole the rest of the money And then he tried to like sue them Yeah it was a whole fuckery Yeah Hobo College it was a whole fuckery. Yeah. Hobo College.

Pat was talking about that. We teach you. Pie Theft 101. Here at Hobo College, you can graduate magna cum on the bus. The Academy Awards are set to air for the first time in 30 years with no host. In related news, an empty stage has been fired after old tweets resurfaced reading, rape is a choice and every Asian is gay. I know, man. They're fucking, they're shit out of luck.

Dude, I literally saw something where they... Well, the Golden Globes, like, oh my, like, whoever wrote that respects, but just the whole shitting on roasting portion of it you did, I found very, very whack indeed. Of terminal whackness. I always want to play some of it you did i found very very whack indeed terminal whackness i always want to play some of it but it was just it was andy sandberg's like oh well the the i roasted you're great ah i gotcha yeah the bit he did at the franco roast which is a great bit on that funny yeah i enjoyed it there it was interesting there but this was just like i mean touch on the

sensitivity issues of course what are going to not say something? It's in the climate. But, like, that had nothing to do with it. That was just. Yeah. Why are you picking up? We didn't do it. If anything, you were just scapegoating a non-problem area of comedy and just giving awards to Bryan Singer.

You know what I mean? Yeah, that was the weirdest thing. I'm like, all right, yeah, you guys, the Bryan Singer movie won the fucking best picture. Here's your boy rape trophy, but boy, isn't Jeff Ross the devil? Yeah. Suck my fucking dick, Goldie. Well, yeah, you know, one time I went to the comedy store and called Connor a butthole in front of 40 people. And that's why Harvey Weinstein did what he did. Oh, yeah, because after that, I killed myself, and then my ghost became an alt-right Pepe guy.

Yeah, exactly. Fucking shut your mouth. I just want to say, Andy Sandberg, I disagree with both of them. I'm great at writing bad jokes. Please hire me. I don't think any of us are in any danger of... I think I'd probably top out somewhere around Independent Spirit Awards. Yeah, it's funny, because we do know people who work on the Oscars, and I'm like, man,

I can't think of a worse job to have this year. Oh, man. I mean, wait until you see that check, and it seems pretty cool. Yeah. The Oscars are going to be hosted by a cardboard cutout of Obama. I feel like that's the only thing they could do. Well, dude, nobody is, except Tom Hanks, nobody is ubiquitously. He's the only motherfucker left with a positive Q score.

That's why I don't trust him. Dude, I bet he eats children. He's easy. No one's that good. I think Tom Hanks is the one good man in the world. I don't believe him. I think much like Preston Parker, he just can't believe his luck. He's like, wow, I've been fucking success for 40 years.

This is amazing. Yeah, he's like, you're just mediocre for 40 years and don't rape anybody, you get to be God. Yeah. Yeah. A Texas toddler's kidnapping was found to be staged. The Sandy Hook kids say

he will understand the craft in five to ten years. That was fucking Tim Dillon's great little bit about that. He was just like, they're already so media trained. Like, their friends

got shot three days ago. Now they're like, they're already so media trained. Like, their friends got shot three days ago. Now they're like, where's my camera, Anderson? He's doing this to me right after it comes out on his podcast. I'm just like, Jesus. I got nothing. You're too good.

A 16-year-old American boy was captured fighting for the Islamic State in Syria. Oh, so that's who deleted their pledge on Patreon six months ago. Every time I see anything like that in the news, I'm like, someday it's going to be one of ours. Yeah. A man is attempting to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a barrel stacked with foie gras and red wine.

The Coast Guard is looking forward to pulling a sun bleached skeleton out of a floating bucket of diarrhea. Yeah, that's the least digestible fucking commodities you could travel it's the worst thing like i want to be fat rich and sick in the ocean yeah like i hope he's got some fucking naked juices to cut that you know you know what uh a great food for like long travel starvation as a man who's traveled in a barrel many times no no no you you learn this you you can look it up uh fucking dates that's what uh horsemen who are riding like through the desert like for for months at a time it's got sugar it's got fiber it's got lasting energy dude get on your first tom tom where's beverly

boulevard i've lived next to it for four years i have no idea hey how do i do the oregon trail well you need to pack a lot of dates uh and're going to make sure you want to have some rubbing alcohol and a clean steel flask. Dates even had a cameo in the movie Hidalgo. That's how. Bruce does not get cameos. Let's just set that rule right now. I mean, except for when Harold and Kumar go to White Castle when Neil Patrick Harris showed up. Yes, I'll give you that.

But strawberries do not make a cameo. I say strawberry. Cameo in the movie. Dude, strawberries won't do you shit in a barrel, okay? You got to get on that date line. Neil deGrasse Tyson was so mad about the Sky's cameo in Titanic. Everything you didn't see up until that second is making a cameo in your life. I can't believe they got dates.

That's such a big get. I didn't see it in any of the trailers. Dude, dates are super underrated, man. Yeah. Best cameo of the year. It's between Dates and Hidalgo. Well, Dates and Hasselhoff. But then Dates had a cameo in Seabiscuit, and they're building a fast horse cinematic universe.

Yeah. Dude, have you seen the cameo app where people will pay 20, people will pay 20 bucks and you say happy birthday, you'll read their message? Fun fact, whatever thought you have, save it because it might be really, really important to the next segment. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right.

All right. No, it's my turn. Okay. This is the last one, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Right after denouncing R. Kelly, John Legend had to defend a photo that surfaced with him and Harvey Weinstein. Things will get even more difficult for him to defend when we find that photo of him selling roofies to Cosby and that video of him selling Louis a door. The guy's got a whole door in his trench coat that he's opening. It's sturdy. They can't get out because that would be bad if they just got out. Or he's going to the taxi driver gun guy and he's got a whole blanket full of doors.

No, this here is your classic French door. That's too... You don't want to see that. No, he's got a trench... No, no, no, show me the French one. He's got a trench coat. He opens it up and it's just a bunch of doors. Yeah, yeah.

All right, guys. And finally, four Australian women held a topless protest in support of a Saudi runaway. Let's listen to a clip of Saudi runaway. Da, da, da, oh, buddy. a Saudi runaway. Let's listen to a clip of Saudi runaway. Duh! Duh! Duh! Buddy!

What? It's runaway by Kanye. Oh, I did it in a crude air. I was laughing at the commitment. I didn't understand. She find pictures in my email. You've been putting up with my shit. Octane the job.

I said this bitch a picture of my. That's the Mexican joke. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Ready for this with more show. All right, so the Mean Boys Podcast is about to embark on a new adventure in advertising. One which I am very excited about. This is going to rule. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Stitch Fix.

Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Now, who do we know with the strangest body, the smallest budget, and the most unconventional lifestyle that I've ever come across in my human life? Oh, Tom Goss, the perfect lab rat. Yeah. You remember in the movie Happy Gilmore when he uses the homeless guy as a caddy

and at the end he buys him a suit and gives him a shampoo and the ball washer? We're doing that with Tom this week. No, Tom, I'm so excited for Tom to get this fucking big city makeover. Yeah, I did their survey, which was pretty – they had pictures because I'm glad. Ringing endorsement. They had pictures. Oh, no, it was just –

You ordered clothes the way idiots order off a menu. Dude, yeah, I need, like, children book level explanation of what I'm asking for, and I got it there, so I'm excited to see. It was kind of cool. I guess I was thinking about it, and I was like, that is kind of the way you'd figure it out. Like, would you wear this? Like, what colors do you hate? Yeah. You know, and I went and did the survey myself, and I was like, yeah, this is like, oh, my, and it was like, sleeves.

Are they usually too long, too short? Just right. And I said, too short. And I said, hey, that's nice. I can get some long sleeves so I'm not getting my shit bumped up. Yeah, that actually is really sleeves. Are they usually too long, too short? Just right. And I said, too short. And I said, hey, that's nice. I can get some long sleeves so I'm not getting my shit bumped up. Yeah,

that actually is really great. And you know Stitch Fix has a good user interface because there's two things Tom does not understand. It's fashion and any piece of technology. And Tom figured it out.

We didn't have to text him instructions. No, and I was able to do it on my phone and you've used my phone. Your phone, you have the only

rotary cell phone. Trying to use Tom's phone feels like i've discovered some sort of roswell technology that's broken and i was able to do it while people were trying to talk to me in a line like i was yeah it was super easy to use and i'm yeah i'm excited for step two i know and we're just we're gonna get you pimp the fuck out you know you're gonna we're gonna you're gonna walk down a staircase in slow motion and take off your glasses yeah and here's what's cool about Stitch Fix. They pick five things. They pick you an outfit.

You don't have to choose for yourself. Oh, okay. You send them the survey. They kind of look through your things. They send you five things. They send them right to your door. You can try them on. You pay for what you like, and if you don't like something, you send it back.

You just keep the stuff you want. Yeah, this one, there's not enough skulls on it, so I've decided to return it. Yeah, I enjoy this coat, although I would prefer one with more sword concealing potential. Three skulls may seem like a lot to you. Three skulls on a vet that turns you into the Joker, certainly. On a Tom Goss shirt, not enough. Yeah, dude, what are you hoping to get? What do you think you're going to be angling for?

All right, chaps. Novelty hats, preferably with beer holsters. Some of them murder overalls. What do you guys have in the fingerless glove? Here's the thing. I don't know, as I am told all the time, I don't know how to dress.

I even told them that. It's just not something you think about, which I get. Yeah, not at all. It's perfect for you. It takes the decision making out of you. It's not idiots exclusively, but... Yeah, we're in sales pitch. No, no, no. If you're too busy, I'd say you're busy. You know, you don't have all this time to think

about, does this match? No. It's got minimal stains. What I meant about that is like, I am an idiot when it comes to just wearing clothes and they were just like, would you wear this? Would you wear this? Would you wear this? And I was like, yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes, no. And then they're going to give me an outfit and I

get to find out like, yeah, oh, this is how a human being wears clothes. And this is applicable to our fans because we've met you and here's the thing, you guys dress terrifyingly. I'm the best dressed out of you motherfuckers. You guys dress like mall trash circa 2005 but the thing is, you're all attractive.

Some of you are attractive. You wrap that cheap present up in a better box, you're going to make somebody's vagina have a very happy Christmas. If you're getting dunked on in the outfit department by Toe Jam the Clown over here, I feel like maybe you've got to upgrade. So yeah, they send you some shit. You keep what you like. You ditch what you don't. You just go to stitchfix.com slash meanboys, and you fill out your sizes and your style profile like we just described.

No subscription required. That's what I like. When someone gets signed up for something, you're like, I did a to-be-disclosed shaving company, and I did a whole year, and I still have razors. And that was like two years ago. And I just didn't need it every month. So it's like, yeah, you just do it when you need it.

So just go on there and be like, oh, it's about three months. I'd like to do some new duds for a date. You can sign up for scheduled shipments, or you can just get a one-off when you need it and then send them back. It doesn't have to be a recurring thing unless you want it to be. But I think you're going to want it

once you see how good this thing is. Yeah, and I'm excited to post some pictures of stylish Tom. Yeah, and whenever you send back shipping exchanges, returns, all of that's always free. Their styling fee is only $20, and that's applied towards anything you keep from your shipment. And you can just get started right now at stitchfix.com slash meanboys. There'll be that link at the show notes if you don't want to type. And you get an extra 25% off when you keep all five items in your box.

So that's stitchfix.com slash meanboys to get started today. That's why they make you say it three times, because I fucked it up twice. Stitchfix.com slash meanboys. Optimus, Megatron is destroying the city, and he's headed this way. We must protect the All Sparks. If it falls into the hands of the Decepticons, this world is doomed. Autobots, roll out.

Bumblebee, get downtown and head them off. I'll be right behind you. Jazz, you climb this building and provide air support against Starscream. 10-4, Optimus. Do the voice, Jazz. We've been over this. Do I have to? It feels kind of messed up.

That's an order. Fine. I'mma bust a cap in they asses! Much better. And you, break away. Hey there, Mr. Proud. What can I do for you? You have the most important job of all. You must get Sam the Allsparks back to Ness headquarters. You got it, boss man.

Uh, breakaway. Come on, let's get down, slowpoke. What did you just transform into? Oh, you like it? I'm a little bird scooter. Beep, beep, y'all. I thought you were the one that turns into a tank. Used to be, but I'm switching it up.

New year, new me. This isn't exactly helpful, breakaway. Oh, sure, maybe I'm not a big punching Used to be, but I'm switching it up. New year, new me. This isn't exactly helpful, Breakaway. Oh, sure, maybe I'm not a big punching and kicking robot, but I'm still useful. What have we got going on in a little farmer's market, huh? You can't drive a seven truck in there. You'd look ridiculous. But here comes old Breakaway, zip, zip, zip, and

pass the pomegranates. I even got a catchphrase. I don't care. Do you want to hear it? I really don't. I'll do it for you. Rippy tip tip, I'm ready to scoot. Optimus, Megatron's getting closer. Bubble B can't hold him off for long. God damn it!

Jazz, do the voice! Sorry, uh, I mean... Lordy, lordy, things are coming, boss man! For fuck's sake, I voted for Obama. Enough of this foolishness. Transform into a tank right now. Beauty a tank if it matters that much. I can't be a tank.

I'm a cool truck. And I'm a bird scooter. Who are you truck for, Angler? We're in downtown Los Angeles. Ain't no room for you. Autobots, hang out for like ten minutes while I make a 14-point turn. Oh no, it's Megatron. Beauty Autobots, this world will fall.

Oh god, he got me. The light is fading. I feel my soul being pulled toward a bright light. I can see Cybertron. It's resplendent. Josh, no! Oh, right. Sorry.

Get your shake out of my shit, you jive turkey! Surrender the Allspark and I will make your death quick. There's no time to lose. Sam, take the Allsparks in. Say it. I know you want to say it. Routine toot toot. Get ready to scoot.

I'm not getting on a bird scooter, Optimus I just, I can't It's so lame It's impossibly lame Honestly, kind of Fuck you, you already destroyed Santa Monica Oh yeah, that seems real And the Mean Boys podcast returns that reference. I'm not from here. Whatever. Fuck this. I'm gonna kill all of you now. Oh, yeah. That seems real.

And the Mean Boys Podcast returns. Play a game sent in by a listener of the show. Do you want to kind of briefly explain what the Cameo app is to people while I pull up this email? Yeah, sure. And by the way, if you guys want to send us a game, we always love getting them. MeanBoysPodcast.gmail.com is where you do that, or at the contact page on our website. MeanBoysPodcast.com. Look at that unified

branding we got. That's what we, you know, it's really easy. Damn, son. Really easy to get your name on all platforms when you pick a horrible name for your podcast. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of a pro tip to our aspiring broadcasters. Cameos is an app that basically you can pay someone. The idea is that it's a public figure, you know,

so you can give them, you know, say Vanilla Ice for 200 bucks will say happy birthday or read a a little message of your choosing. But it's open to anybody. So you can just get people that think they're famous. Like our friends. I'm like, I saw you sign up at Tribal Cafe for the open. I actually, it's funny. I live down the street.

I've never been the entire time I've lived here. Do not recommend. Yeah, just like shit, whatever it is. You can just like, oh, well, I started a, you know, a YouTube cooking channel, and it's got 40 subscribers, so I'm famous now. I'm Terry the Mom, and I teach you how to make green beans that won't kill your autistic son or whatever.

And they're like, oh, pay me to say shit. So, yeah, the idea is now you can get people to say, like, stupid shit and stuff. So I'm excited to do this game. Yeah, one of our fans, Twitter user at FedBot, who put their name as simply Plops Magoo. Nice. Which is great.

Sent us a game. It's basically price check, but with people on this app. And it's basically, I'm going to give you two. You got to tell me which one is more expensive to get a personalized greeting from. They sent in a bunch.

I did a little bit of editing, found some other ones I thought were funny. So this is an assist from FedBot here. He really has to have his writer's credit. No, I just want him to know I saw what they did and it was funny. I just went and found some that I also thought were funny. So I don't think I'm fucking with their shit. Yeah, fuck you

FedBot. No, I'm kidding. Let's start off easy. These are both comics that me and Connor have spent a memorable evening with. Who costs more, Andy Dick or Gilbert Godfrey? Ooh, man. Gilbert Godffried didn't try to rape you. Don't compare our struggle. I said memorable. Oh, sorry.

Our beautiful moments together. I really wish Gilbert Gottfried had tried to fuck me at the comedy store. Oh, that would be amazing. That would be, what are you doing later? He is the one man I might go for it. He would be quite the story. It's not gay if you use your hands. I just feel like how much damage could he do?

He's a thousand years old. I'll give you $40 to take one thumb. You can pick which one. Here's what I think Gilbert Gottfried's thing would be. Watch me eat this pear. He's like, okay. And he's like, don't break eye contact. Do you want me to give you a napkin or something?

Absolutely not. The mess is part of it. Sorry, I just want to be clear. I know you guys explained it nine times. This is how much it costs for them to say happy birthday on Skype or something? Or say whatever. Yeah, you can tell them, get well, Amy. You know, death to America.

Whatever you wanted Andy Andy Dick to say. Gilbert Gottfried is the ultimate. I mean, that's the most recognizable voice of all time. Yeah. He's up there. So I feel like he's got to be pretty premium. But the other factor is how delusional is Andy Dick? Like how big do you set your own price?

See, here's what I think. I think Andy Dick costs more because Gilbert Gottfried, he treats himself like he's poor. He really does. And if you treat yourself like you're poor, you're going to undersell yourself. That makes a ton of sense. Yeah, that's a really good point. Because Gilbert, at the historical roast, left with a bag of granola bars that couldn't have cost more than 18 bucks altogether. And my favorite thing is when I walked into the green room and he was putting snacks in the bag and then he just looked at me like he got caught.

I'm like, I'm not going to narc on you, Gilbert Godfrey. It's the other way around. The important person walks in on me and Keith eating the headliner's buffalo fries six years ago. John Lovitz got mad at me for cutting him off at the sandwich bar at one point. That was one of the fattest rich guy power moves I've ever made. It's like, sorry, Doug, there won't be pastrami left and I'm getting it. Hey, hey, fuckface. Everyone's a critic.

Owned. All right, so our guesses are... I'm going to say Gilbert costs more. Okay. I'm saying Andy Dick. Andy Dick costs $100. Gilbert Gottfried, $125. Yeah.

Oh, man. That's a bargain at twice the price, if you ask me. It's not a bad deal. I mean, as far as if you're going to do this thing, which I think is kind of dumb, and also, we're going to start doing. Yeah, well, nobody is going to use it for the intended. Well, here's the deal, and maybe this, I don't know if I should even say it, but it's like if your girlfriend is sick and she loves the show, just send me a DM. I'll absolutely say it.

Same, yeah. I mean, if I'm on Cameo, it's just going to be, Connor, it's just going to be all N words. Well, you can do up to 65 words, and then just 65 N words and an F in there at the end. No, I would never charge somebody for this. I guess if you're this famous, it's different. Yeah, no, that's true. But if somebody was a big fan, I can't send a video of happy birthday to fucking everybody,

but if somebody had a good reason, I'd do it. Yeah, no, for sure. And honestly, the fact that you even ask or give a shit, I mean, it's such – I'm not famous, so it's a novelty to me. It's so jarring to me every time something like that happens that I think you're trying to trick me into something. I do not believe it's real. Oh, for sure. That's like – John DiMaggio was doing Adventure Time voices for somebody's daughter when he was on the show. Yeah.

He was like, yeah, he's a fucking great guy. He wasn't even half doing the voice. He was like, I'm that dog or whatever. He's fucking sweating. And you're like, this guy's a mensch. A mensch and a half. When we were signing posters on the road, I was like, I bet they use this to put me in prison somehow. I don't know how.

But they're going to photocopy it. They're going to put it as a thumbprint on a glass with blood. I don't know what they're going to do. I was going through old photos a few weeks ago, and I found this old picture of you when you threw your back out in Fresno laying on the ground, probably 40 pounds heavier, holding a Sharpie up in the air, just looking like, ah.

Oh, was it in Fresno? Oh, no, that was right after the... I'm going to need that photo. Yeah, that was right after the pancreatitis. I pulled some of them, but I don't want to post a bunch of shitty pictures of you. Yeah, no, no, I want to see it. Maybe I'll post. I'll give you credit. Well, the point is, we're not going to go on Cameo, because this is really reserved for the top shelf of celebrities.

So, number two, who costs more, Andy Milonakis or Chumlee from Pawn Stars? Who's Andy Milonakis? What a fat round. If I got drunk, I would spend $5 million on this app. Because I'd be like, you want to hear Chumlee say the 14-word pledge that Hitler... You know, just shit like that. Who is Andy Milonakis? Andy Milonakis, he had a show called The Andy Milonakis Show.

He had the I Look Like a Boy Even Though I'm 30 disease. He was that fat, white, kind of 30 disease. Yeah, he had like. He was that fat white kind of rapping nerd. Yeah, he had like fat Webster-itis. Sort of in the Seth Rogen kind of genre of comedy, I guess you'd say. He was kind of like weirdo. Just see what he looks like. I'm going to be straight up and down with you.

He looks not not like me. Yeah. Look, this ruined my life because I lived in Hollywood when that show was big. So I'd be walking around and just like tourists would be like, oh, and I'm like, I'm not that one. Yeah, but what? And then they'd be like, Drake and Josh. And I'm like, I'm not that one either.

Oh, he's Drake. Is he Drake? No. No, he wasn't Drake. No, he's neither Drake nor Josh. Okay. That's a game of 20 questions. Yeah.

All right. I wasted my first two questions because I just asked, is it Drake and is it Josh? Yeah. His name not being Drake or Josh. All right. I'm looking this guy up. Okay. Okay.

I really would love to see how Tom is spelling Milonakis. No, I got it. Anthony milking cookies. You know, I look at his computer and like, this is just Pepperidge Farm.

Oh, Milano. You got Milano's. Yeah. He looks like everyone who befriends their headset while playing video games. He doesn't look like a famous person. Yeah. No,ano's. He looks like everyone who befriends their headset while playing video games. He doesn't look like a famous person. Yeah.

Well, yeah, he's got that weird condition or whatever where he stays young. Yeah, it's right. And now he's even older than he was when he was on the show. He's like 45. Yeah, and he just looks odd. Yeah, it's upsetting. Yeah. I have a poor guy or whatever, but yeah.

Guest appearances, list of non-single guest appearances, hoes on my dick, money and swag, pocket like it's hot. Oh, yeah, that's the Hot Pocket rap video that him and Snoop Dogg did. Oh, really? Have you not seen that? No. Oh, dude, Snoop did a fucking Hot Pocket commercial called Pocket While It's Hot, and it's one of the most insanely dumb things I've ever seen in my life.

Dude, corporate art is so beautiful by accident. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like if you told a... You get enough people involved. It's like if you had a computer algorithm make a song. Yeah. You know, and it's just the shittiness that erupts

is just wonderful. I have... To so willfully ruin something as beautiful as Snoop Dogg that way is like... You gotta really find the joy where you can take it in this late capitalist hellscape. Yeah. And Snoop Dogg, Annie Milonakis, Hot Pocket Raps, that's as close as fucking

Born to Run as you're ever gonna get, Sally. Yeah, really packing that ham and cheese into Uncle Tom's flaky buttery croissant crust. So he's been in some movies, I don't recognize any of these movies, but they have the names of the roles in the movies. I'm gonna read up a couple. Cool. Wilson Cummings, Dinko's Geek, Knees

Down is one of the names of Tiny and Spanky. Gotta figure he was an Asian face for Knees Down. Oh, man. I feel bad for this guy. I feel bad for this man who's probably way richer than us. Tom lives in a kitchen. He's 42?

The best is when Tom's Like you know when you're Reading and you're tuning In and out So you're just being Surprised by something We've been talking about Yeah I was looking

Okay Well I still don't Really understand Who this is There's no way To give you any Who's the other one That was Nanny Milonakis

In the game? In the what? Oh in the game That we were playing Chumlee Oh Chumlee I'm going to say Chumlee Because Chumlee has a lot of money, and I think he thinks he's worth way more than he is.

And Chumlee also beat Blanca, Shibita, I'll see. Well, I think Chumlee really is kind of full of himself. He's full of a lot of stuff. Here's the deal. He's fat. You got it. That's a good job. I've got to stop.

Chumlee's one of those guys who just got so successful on accident that he thinks he can rap now. You know what I mean? He has that energy where he's like, well, I'm basically Post Malone because I tell people that's too much money on a reality show. Right. I'm going to say Chumlee, but I fucking love Chumlee. Yeah. No, I think it's Chumlee. We got two votes for Chumlee.

Chumlee, $65. Andy Milonakis, $70. Wow. Damn. 0 for 2 on me. I got to get Chumlee to Yeah, no, I think it's Chumlee. So we got two votes for Chumlee. Chumlee, $65. Andy Milodakis, $70. Wow. Damn, 0 for 2 on me. I got to get Chumlee to wish me a happy birthday. Yeah. Not even my birthday. 0 for 2 on the game and 3 for 4 on actually knowing who these people are.

So let's see if any more mystery men show up. Well, this one couldn't be easier on that thing because this is a people we know edition. Okay. Who costs more, Jessica Michelle Singleton or Drew Lynch?ch drew lynch i mean if you're paying by word yeah well i mean yeah it's not rude to say drew is more famous than jessica yeah jessica also i don't think think so highly of herself she's gonna make it a million dollars so i think jessica's probably 20 and drew's probably 80 or whatever drew could probably charge a lot because he's got the fucking middle amer America teeny bopper.

Mommy, I want a Drew Lynch cameo for my birthday. And you're in that Godfrey camp of like your voice is distinct. Yeah. And also like we did that video where we roasted him on his YouTube, which was fun. But after that, my DMs exploded and I thought, oh, cool. A bunch of hot girls. And they're like 12, 11. Drew's stutter is so bad.

He tried to do a cameo, ended up starring in a whole trilogy. Yeah, I think I think Drew Bazinga. 12, 11. Drew's stutter is so bad he tried to do a cameo, ended up starring in a whole trilogy. Yeah, I think Drew's is more, but by the hour it's definitely less. Drew I knew before he popped off, and I used to do this. Yeah, you did a roast battle against him. We did a roast battle. It was the first ever battle.

Yeah, I love the guy, but I would just see him at Flappers. I'd go do the open mic there, and he was managed by the owners or whatever, so I would just see him at Flappers. I'd go do the open mic there, and he was managed by the owners or whatever, so I'd bump into him and we'd talk. Have you tried hot tea with lemon? Just really condescending. What about a cough drop?

Do you know cough drops for colas are great? Yeah, you guys are both right. Jessica's $20, Drew Lynch $40. Okay. Selling yourself short, Drew. Yeah, I'd bet more well I wouldn't pay anything but theoretically

I could see somebody paying more yeah here's people who have famously had their dick pics leaked here's the deal if you want a Drew Lynch cameo

just call me and I'll call him and record the call and see if I can work it into the conversation I'll give it to you for a flat $35 no tax

alright I'm gonna undercut his bottom line we're gonna fucking we're like doing like the camcorder bootleg of cameo. Yeah. Hey, Drew, let me put you on with my friend.

Can you just wish my friend Cynthia Nguyen? I'm just completely, totally obvious. I don't know her. Okay. People who have had their dicks famously leaked. Brett Favre or Tommy Lee? And part of the reason that I'm glad this one is in there, Brett Favre is the

way I heard about Cameo because he did one for like this group that asked him to read a thing and then like once it got released it became very clear that he had been duped into reading some like dog whistle Nazi shit oh nice where he had to like put out a statement be like oops uh I'm not a proud boy I'm just like showing my wiener to that reporter that one time yeah in Brett Favre's defense he doesn't really know what a computer is. He is from. That man looks like he eats leather. He is fucking.

Yeah. Just looking at a computer. Does that thing make toast? Yes. There's no human in Wisconsin that's smarter than a cartoon dog. That's as smart as you're allowed to get. If there's something about the cheese and the water and the cold. Yeah. you're allowed to get. If there's something about the cheese and the water and the cold, your brain stops developing

somewhere around a Scooby level of intellect. Yeah, it gets a protective layer of dum-dum curds. I didn't even know Brett Favre had a dick pic leaf. Oh, yeah. Even I know about that. We know the girl.

I'll tell you off air who it was. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah. I met her, too. Yeah. I love being in the gutter of show business because I just get to know fun things that I can't tell you people. It's great.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Brett Favre or Tommy Lee. And Tommy Lee is that dude who fucked Pamela Anderson. Yeah. Does he do another thing? He's the drummer of Motley Crue.

Oh, like the shirt. You got it. Yeah, he was like a famous ass musician. Gotcha. I'm going to say Brett Favre. Motley Crue. I'm going Tommy Lee. Okay.

The sports and music, I mean, those are the two things everybody likes. Right. Yeah, I mean. My keen insights there. People enjoy entertainment. Yeah, right. Not comedy is what everybody likes. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, Tommy Lee's a musician. I know many musicians are like, I want to hear him talk now. Especially a drummer. I would love to see Brett Favre stumble over words, and for that reason, I've got to go Brett Favre. How do you mispronounce Tom? Tommy Lee, $300. Brett Favre, $500. Yeah, hell yeah.

I would like to know that Tommy Lee is going to charity. Brett Favre seems like it's just going to Brett Favre. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's Tommy Lee. That man is, yeah. Yeah, a couple more. There's no rhyme or reason to this one.

It was just two names that I thought were funny together. Bam Margera or Steve Rannisese. Who's Banned Margera? I'm Bam Margera, and this is Oopsy Daisy Airplay. What's his deal again? Bam Margera from Jackass. One of the Jackass guys. He's one of the doing the worst Jackass guys now.

Bam of Viva La Fame. Viva La Me. Or Me's Unholy Union. Dude, I fucking love Bam Margera. He's such a fucking pile now. Yeah, me too, man. I read this article. It was in one of the skateboarding magazines.

It was him just being like, Yeah, I fucking ruined my body for a decade, so now I'm trying to skate, but I'm too fat. He's too fat to skate in Philadelphia. You know how fucking fat you got to get if the jackass stunts aren't what stop you from skateboarding? Yeah, exactly. You got shot out of a cannon made of elephant jizz, but you did this with donuts, you dumbass? I got to go Bam. Okay. Although Bam needs the money more, I assume.

Yeah, that's a very good point. Steve's doing fine. Yes, Steve's. All right. Once again, it's going to boil down to who would you rather hear say words? And I think Steve's would be higher just just because this Bam man doesn't sound like a wordsmith I can't believe

you don't know who that is Bam Margera $65 Steve ran as easy $100 oh hey damn and last one there's people who were famous for about a week Kevin Federline or Ken Bone who's Ken Bone Ken Bone was the guy in the red sweater during the election.

Oh, was he that Dem Bones guy? What? Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Bones. You think I'm talking... First of all, that's not the tune of the song you're trying to do. You're doing Hit the Road, Jack, but with Dem Bones. Yep. Second of all, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, talking about Ken Bones. All right, well, here's a follow-up question. Do you know who Kevin Federline is? Yes. Tell me. He fucked Britney Spears that one time and then did a music thing that upset people. Yeah. Sure.

He was sort of like a, I don't know, I guess like a Ross to the Marshalls of Kid Rock, I guess would be how you'd describe him. Yeah. The tracks. Yeah. I remember him being bad. I remember listening to his music and going, ugh.

The Ken Bone thing was great because they found his Reddit history. Oh, it was so awesome. And it was all just like, well, they've got to be at least 30% Asian or else how am I going to come? Yeah, it was like pregnant porn was his thing. Oh, really?

He was really into like, look how fertile your milk bosoms look. Yeah, you're boned. I remember one line about how he was very into a particular race, you know? Yeah. Which is always more fun if you imagine it with D&D races. Like, look, half night elf, night elf features orc booty. Are you telling me you're not hard?

No, that's the Halle Berry of wherever we are. Yeah, Azeroth. Dude, I feel bad for, like, Amon, because, like, when you looked at it, and there was nothing where he was, like, you know, on some shit he just like jerking off to like very specific porn and everyone's like what a fucking asshole and it's like man just let the boy come yeah it's like everyone here is fine with it i know but he had two days where he was on top of the world and then he just forgot to delete that shit yeah no man caught him slipping all right what do you think tom just called kevin heart attack kevin heart kevin bone

and this is this you did this research today right i'm gonna say ken bone i i did i did none of this i'm gonna say ken bone just because i haven't thought about kevin fetterline in four years right yeah well all right i have two two two conflicting things one kevin fetterline has not been relevant in forever which makes me think it's really low. But that means the only reason you would hit him up is to be like, ah, my balls smell and shit like that, to make him say dumb stuff. I'm sure he's got like six diehard fans that are like, the first one's actually really good that I just want him to come back. Right. The K-Federation.

So I bet Federline's is really high just to keep people from making him say dumb shit. Right. So I'm going to say Federline. I got double feds. Ken Bone, $20. Kevin Federline, $75. Nice.

I really like that Ken Bone is worth the same amount as Jessica Michelle Singleton. I'd rather have Jessica do one. Ken Bone has no

media presence whatsoever. Yeah. I think there's good ideas everywhere. Nobody's impressed by Bone's swag. Yeah.

Damn, dude. Federation reminded me. Plug. Sponsored content. Star Trek Discovery is coming back on the 17th. And I want all the Mean Boys fans to watch it because I have nobody to talk about it with. Yeah. I will not be watching it.

If you want to talk about not watching it, don't watch it. It's actually a really good show that I think you could like if you have had sex before, like me. Right. So I would recommend it. Yeah, and then tune in to the after show with me and Tom called Talking Not Talking Trek. Talk about other stuff. Changing the subject when Connor comes out of his bedroom on Sunday. Whoa, they did a really great thing with the terramorph.

Anyway. That's it. I bet if you watch any other television or film, you wouldn't like Star Trek anymore. Like, they've improved on it since. I actually like Star Trek. I think it's so. I like things to be kind of boring. And the new one is almost too exciting for me as a problem.

It's almost too good where they have, like, there's the characters are like, you know, it's not just what am I going to do about my duties? Even though my grandma would disagree with you. Yeah. Not just, what am I going to do about my duties? Dude, my grandma would disagree with you. Yeah, anyway. Mean Boys Podcast will be back after this quick subspace transmission. Jesus. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Now, Himalaya is a brand new podcasting app that just kind of cuts out the shittiness that other similar applications where popular ones should have a long time ago,

but they sort of had the monopoly, so they got lazy. So it's actually been really great. I've been using it to listen to all my shows the last week or so since we started working with them. And, yeah, shows are right on time. It's really easy. There's not a bunch of extra bullshit. The Loading Times.

Connor Wilson's always favorite podcast on Himalaya. Staring at Walls Weekly. Yes. No, I listen to other podcasts. You know, Laundry Today is a big one. Like White Noise but Evil. That's a podcast. Yeah.

ASMR for just like destroying the universe. How many times can you just say nothing before you have to apologize is another good show. But yeah, it's a cool app. It's free. Very easy to use. The interface is super clean. They got lots of cool features. They's a cool app. It's free, very easy to use. The interface is super clean. They've got lots of cool features. They have a tip jar, so if you want to show your favorite creators some love,

you just leave them a little tip, turn it into a real stripping experience, just really fully degrade it, which is nice. Tom was confused, and then somebody mentioned a jar full of money, and he's like, finally, someone's speaking my language. Yeah. I prefer a jug, but I like their attitude. You can call it a tip jug if you want. Yeah, guys, like their attitude. You can call it a tip jug if you want.

Yeah, guys, put, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to request a special landing page for our show. Could you just change it to jug? It's a whole thing. Go to Himalaya and fill Tom's jugs.

Yeah, so go over and give Mean Boys a follow. Just download it and check it out because, I mean, whatever app you use, you probably got some issues with it and I've been using it

for like a week and I haven't had any fucking problems. You can, you know, like shit, share shit. You can make playlists too, which I think is kind of cool. So if you're just like, hey, here's all my favorite Mike Racine podcast, you know, that he's been on.

You could just, you know, hey, fuck you. I want to thumb through those. Like, hey, here's all the episodes with Ramsey and Opie or something. So that's kind of cool. I genuinely can't believe no one else has done that. It's such a great idea. I know. Yeah.

And it's it's on the App Store. It's on Google Play. And yeah, they have a good, like, you know, the whole other, a lot of other, like, suggested show interfaces are just really kind of lazy

and they don't really update that often, but they've got a good sort of explore feature where I'm looking around and seeing, like, oh, shit, I want to listen to that. I want to listen to that. The amount of times

I've seen Connor go to websites and then just scream at its interface for like... Oh, yeah. I mean, while I'm trying to figure out... That is one thing that sets off my autism. Yeah, it's like, okay, you don't like where the button... Like, Connor's the most picky person for that, and he likes it.

Well, Connor being a human robot understands the intricacies of website design. Yeah, so meet my new friend, Himalaya. And you can download it right now and follow Mean Boys with the link in the show notes. Back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards. And now, your host, Andrew Dice Clay. Thank you. Thank you.

What's going on? Welcome to the Gay Oscars. I'm your Dice for this evening, Andrew Silverstein. First off, I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press. What even is that, anyway? When a French guy shits on a glass coffee table in WeHo? Kevin Hart wanted to be here, but we told him to get here when the show was actually supposed to start. Yeah, and Billy Gardell wanted to be here, but we're shooting this within 50 feet of a Cinnabon, so we couldn't make it for legal reasons and secrets were supposed to show up but it's open swim at the y hey speaking of swimming at the y merrill close your fucking legs you're gonna kill a seat filler with that puddle

oh this is an exciting night the awards are backstage waiting to be handed out in the meantime we're keeping them warm in andy sandberg's dirt box don't worry we've got a thai soccer team in there giving them a spit shine as they come out what i thought you hollywood fruit cups like salads and i know that story's eight months old i don't watch the news i'm 61 hey speaking of 61 that's only eight away from what i caught brian singer and the stranger things kids doing in the loading dock before the show. What? They got the pot and the balls and the NDA and the nightmares?

Good for them. The Golden Globes. Jesus. The only Globes I want to see that are golden are Pam Anderson's Milk Sacks, 89 to 96. Nothing later than that, though. I don't like the Saw movies. Come on. It's a celebration of the best the film has to offer.

Myself, I'm more of a poet. Here's one I wrote just for you, buttercups. Little Miss Rap sat on the tack, and the tack said, hey, my name's Kevin. And his buddy Singer said, smell my finger. Can you believe that this kid's only seven? And now a clip from this week's Patreon bonus episode featuring Dave Cyrus. Since I can't talk about whatever you were talking about, I'll talk about a different cast member. A cast member of SNL.

Dave, I'm making you brag, you little Jewish bitch. Be proud of yourself. So Kenan often had a lot in SNL. Dave, I'm making you brag, you little Jewish bitch. Be proud of yourself. So Keenan often had a lot of friends around, and one of them, since he didn't work there, I don't think my NDA covers him, his name is Tadau. His name is the noise Emeril makes. No, his name is something that Yamanika says

when she doesn't actually have a punchline. It's a magician's keyword. His name is that Howard Dean Yelp. Yeah. His name is the magic word that makes ribs appear. I forgot that his name itself is funny. Anyway, he's like some old... Yeah, you know you have someone with a dumbass name and you just get used to him and then you're like, oh yeah, I forgot your name's Felch or whatever. You're just like, oh yeah, Felch.

To Dow, he's either pretty black or incredibly Asian. Maybe not to dow maybe not tomorrow maybe not tomorrow tomorrow so i'm in i'm in the dressing room of the person that people know you can go to their dressing room to get high in not pete oh a different guy wow different guy guy uh i could probably say that it is but maybe i shouldn't now pete pete is just that is just a tattoo parlor in there, right? Often, yes. I'm literally watching the tattoos in that tiny dress. Can we write the saran wrap on my wrist into this sketch? I don't know how to do this. We just did a weekend at Denver, and I was the only person on that night who did not get a tattoo in the back of the comedy club.

We had a tattoo artist come to the Saturday show, set up in the back, and then everyone was getting tattoos between their sets. Why are we Ubering that of all things? That seems like a... I would like to have a brick-and-mortar appointment to get a tattoo done. Oh, I would have totally done it.

Why'd you do it? I can't get tattoos. Oh, because you're Jewish. Well, it's not because I'm Jewish. No, he's a bitch. Yeah. Well, the answer is yes, but in a roundabout way, like not for the religious reasons, just because I bruise and I'm afraid of commitment.

My family hates tattoos on a level that confuses me. I remember at Thanksgiving one time, like years ago, remember when Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock and that was a big news story? Oh, yeah. My family brings that up and they're like, yeah, he cheated on Sandra Bullock. And my dad goes, of course he did. Look at his arms. To be fair, he also ended up being a Nazi. So I think your family was on to something. like, yeah, he cheated on Sandra Bullock. And my dad goes, of course he did. Look at his arms. To be fair, he also ended up being a Nazi.

So I think your family was on to something. Well, yeah, but the point is it was exclusive to the tattoos. Right. Yeah, yeah. He's probably more upset about the tattoos than the Nazi thing. He's like, well, some of them were just following orders. But a tattoo, that's your own choice. I don't know if your dad sounds like that, but sorry.

No, pretty much. So, ta-da. Yes. You're getting high in someone's dress. So pretty much. So, ta-dao. Yes. You're getting high in someone's dress. So, I'm getting high, and we're smoking a blunt, and it's probably, I think it's me, Pete, and ta-dao. Okay. And ta-dao is using the term faggot a lot. Right.

Sure. And a lot of gay people work at SNL. Yeah. And just- Wait, wait, wait. Stop the presses. With a name like that, it does feel like the pot calling the kettle ta-dao. Yeah, that's something they should say after they debut a new look.

You walk out of the dressing room. Tadau is actually the comic book sound effect for a drag queen doing a reveal. Yeah, that's the Mad Magazine for when you tuck perfectly. Tadau! It's gone, bitch! So Tadau is, and he's not doing it like in the okay way that you guys say it. He's actually talking about gay people. Right.

And I think I just – I was just annoyed by it because I'm like, you don't fucking work here. Yeah, it's a drag. Don't be that guy. Yeah, and I just – as I take the blunt out of my mouth and pass it, I'm like, I don't suck dick. And as I pass – and he just looks at the blunt like, I ain't smoking that fucking blunt now. Get the – there's a dick in your mouth. I ain't going that fucking blunt now. There's a dick in your mouth. I ain't getting smoked a blunt that's been in it.

And he proceeded to rant about me all day. Dick cootie tirade. All of Keenan's entourage. And I would hear it through the other room. So him and the 400 other guys, I presume. You would just hear the word faggot muffled through the other door and everyone laughed and i was honestly and and pete comes like wow today i hate you and honestly but in all seriousness i was like good fuck him yes i met i imagine pete like keenan's keenan's entourage limo goes all the way to staten island and it's just

the same car and then they come out of it like the Who's. I don't know what anybody says. I think Tadal should be allowed to host the Oscars. Does he not share weed with women? Exactly. You have found the hypocrisy that it is Tadal Johnson. I think Tom just solved homophobia.

It's funniest. He figured out Tadal something or other. Tadal Rabinowitz. Yeah, I'm a multifaceted guy. It's actually a Tadau Jones Industrial Average. Hey, everybody. The Mean Boys Podcast is back to answer your questions and listen to your voicemails. And a little thing we like to call the meal.

It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Tom is better than Connor. Hey. No, this is a hard day for me. Connor can't sing the worst of the song. I'm going to show her a hat today, buddy. Have you ever heard the one about me and my ass? It's the fuck shit fart fart wiener pissing my butt.

I don't know why people say the show has gotten dumber over the years. Speaking of dumber, me and Keith have this riff that we keep humming, and we don't know if it's from something or if we made it up, so it goes... And we can't tell if that's from a song or if that just popped into our heads and we kept doing it. It seems like this would make me wish I had my own room. I just have to wonder what the fuck that's about all day.

By the way, that's the most unemployed conversation of all time. It's just two guys going, is this a song? Yeah, or did we just write a song? This is what happens when people have no fucking structure in their lives. Yeah, we really need a dad. Yeah, so if we just write a song? This is what happens when people have no fucking structure in their lives. Yeah, we really need a dad. Yeah, so if you want to... If you want to be our adult dad, send us an email at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. I've been here the whole time.

I said adult and human. I would say that of the people of the podcast, you're probably the guy that would probably get called daddy most or zaddy, you know, by the ladies. You've got daddy vibes. I get it because I'm tall, but I mean nothing about my personality. You have daddy vibes physically, but not energy wise. Yeah, I'm like a kid daddy.

I got daddy energy, but very much baby boy face. Dude, that's going to be my rap name. Kid Daddy. I don't know, Pregnant Mom Body. Yeah, and I've got abs.

Did you say your rap name is Kid Daddy? Yeah. Kid Daddy. That's actually not bad. Give myself a bedtime. Well, if you guys want to get in touch with us,

meboyspodcasts.gmail.com or our voicemail line, 305... What is wrong with me? You sound like a fucking kazoo. 304-805-MEAN. Gangly woodwind. I know. But yeah, we have this three-part voicemail we got during snark week that I've been sitting on.

I listened to it one time when it laid at night. I don't remember exactly what happens, but it's pretty good. So let's jump into that and see how we feel because I love the voicemail. Let's do it. God. Wow. So first off, that was the most phlegm outside of a bar mitzvah I've ever heard in my life. Thick and breathy.

Did we just get a voicemail from a muddy wind chime? What is happening? That sounded like Jabba the Hutt getting up. It's me, a milk enthusiast. Yeah, that was how much dairy is in your diet, homeboy? It's butterman. It's as though it's all cloves and fucking cream in your throat, my guy. All right.

Listen onward. So first off, it's going to be pretty fucking long. Sorry about that. Some crazy shit just happened to me. I wanted to share it. And I thought you guys might find it somewhat entertaining. So start for starters, a little bit of background. I'm the dude that called

in a little bit ago uh when my fucking buddy killed himself and i wanted to thank y'all for playing that voicemail especially for playing it on the second steve ran as easy episode uh there's a somewhat convoluted reason that that is very meaningful to me we don't have time for it here i'll explain it to you at a fucking live show or something um also makes it really easy to find when i want to listen to myself and like you know get a narcissistic head buzz going so this guy is very self-aware yeah i like this yeah he's awesome i have a fucking weird day i eat dinner uh with my girlfriend's parents they've hated me for like six years,

which is weird. I've only been dating their daughter for three of those years and like not consecutively, which actually that's probably a reason why. But anyway, I ate dinner. By the way, been there, bro. But it went well.

I'm watching their dog. So I leave from there to go to play Dungeons and Dragons and this is the first time in about a month that I've had more than $20 at my disposal so I decide to stop at a liquor store treat everybody to some Jameson

and ginger beer I show up there, play some B&B drink a couple fucking Irish heels good time I leave there, decide I need some fucking weed The show up there What a mess B&B Drink a couple fucking Irish needles That I don't know I leave there Decide I need some fucking weed In my life

So I call up my buddy Zach Zach is the name Of every weed dealer By the way This voicemail Is the white dork version Of the song Good Day by Ice Cube

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents

My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents My parents's parents Really liked me I played D&D I didn't even have to Use a crit save I gotta say It was a good day

Yeah dude That's the worst What a girlfriend's parents Don't like My first girlfriend Her mom fucking Hated me And I don't know why

But her But uh And I heard her telling My ex's grandma that And the grandma goes Oh I really like him And the mom just goes well now i hate them more oh yeah dog i mean i had to go to i went to church with a girl one time they'll tell you how in love i was connor mcspadden atheist of note went to church jesus christ and

uh i'm in there and like they give you this little fuck i probably told this already but they give you this little workbook that you're supposed to go, God is circle one, and there's just one word that says good, and you just whoa, I'm learning about God. Yeah, where did they write a lie? And I just got it under my leg in the chair, and then her mom leans over, yanks it out from under my thigh,

puts it on my lap, and hands me a pen and pantomimes writing, and I'm like, alright, John 316, not John 317. I really did the whole Bible word search. You really, you gotta get out of that. You gotta like slip some EpiCac in some holy water or something.

How many of you think that iconic travels with emergency EpiCac? Oh, if I'm going to a church I'm bringing EpiCac. In case of Bart Simpson nonsense, break glass. This is one of the best like high, like, high, like, the problems are three and the solutions are ten.

Because that's how Tom always goes. That's what I like about him because I'm like, oh man, I got a flat tire and he's like, here's what you do, giant eagle.

I'm like, all right. This one boils down to, ah, the next 45 minutes are going to be boring. I know, poison 100 people.

Yeah. Oh no, if you drink the holy water, they'll just think you're possessed they'll do something no one yeah that's a fair it was a christian it was like a wall like one step below a walmart church it was like a kmart church gotcha gotcha and they had like a band in the whole thing and then the band starts vamping as the sermon's ending and you just see like this is coachella for fucking people that watch jeopardy oh dude it's the worst saddleback

mega church bullshit i had i had on my one shirt with buttons i had when i was 20 and i'm just for fucking people that watch Jeopardy. Oh, dude. It's the worst shit. Saddleback megachurch bullshit. I had on my one shirt with buttons I had when I was 20 and I'm just white knuckling it trying to smile. Jesus. Pleading from the dick.

Yeah. Anyway, back to the... This guy's telling a gripping tale. Yeah. Man, this is one of our better voicemails in terms of pacing. My buddy Zach

did... It's a fake name. And I go... Disgr, and I go to his house where he's got a jar of weed and I've got 20 bucks. I sit on the couch, smoke weed, drink some more fucking mules. We watch Shaun of the Dead. It's a good time.

I like 2.30. I can tell that he wants to drag off and play video games, so all right, peace out, my homie. By the way, thanks for. I can tell that he wants to drag off and play video games. So, all right. Peace out, my homie. By the way, thanks for being able to tell that. Because every time I'm in this situation, the guy's like, what's the next YouTube video? And I'm like, it's called porn, and it's happening without you. You can always just tell me.

I know. It is Tom I'm talking about. I always make a decent exit. No, no, no. This isn't you, actually. Because I'm always also high in the situation. I'm like, let's stare at more chairs online. I always just tell you that I want to go to bed.

I never had this problem with you. But, yeah, me and Tom do smoke marijuana and watch YouTube videos a lot. Sour Patch Kids. Two games. So, all right. Peace out, my homie. I drive home, and on the way home, I imagine myself going to sleep without a double quarter pounder from McDonald's. And it's a sad sight in my head.

So I go to McDonald's, get a fucking double quarter pounder meal, side a Big Mac sauce, honey mustard for the fries. I do that shit right, and I'm on my way home. By the way, you got a horny describing that to me. I'm like, that's fucking weird. Whatever. It's 2.30. If he could apply all the detail and specificity to anything other than food in

Dungeons and Dragons, he would be a paid poet right now. This is the greatest short story about nothing. I've never been more compelled by no events. Dude, this is like Ernest Hemingway wrote a Kevin Smith movie. The air was thick with grease as I unwrapped the quarter pound

of flesh it was to satiate the drunken roiling within my being. Silent Bob said nothing for his eyes said volume. While Jay spoke a single refrain to the heavens, Noinch. I mean, I'm shitting on, but at the same time, like props. This is, you've all heard my stories.

It's better than me. All right. Whatever. It's 2.30 in the morning. They feel like they have all the power. Sure. Why wouldn't they stop in the middle of the street? I don't know.

I go home, minding my own motherfucking business and uh as when i pull up i'm like i don't want to park in the driveway because i don't want to block my fucking parents and they go to work all right here's part two how great would it be if there was never a follow-up i was just leaving all the voicemail and i guess it was too long, and it beeped really loudly, cut me off in the middle. And I got to tell you, that hurt really fucking bad. That's the message. So more concise version coming up now. It all started off 40 years ago when I was born.

Jameson, ginger beer were had during this. After D&D, I go pick up some weed for my buddy, drink more Jameson, more ginger beer. We lost Sean to the dead. I leave his house around 2.30, go to fucking McDonald's, and I go back to my house. I pull up and I don't want to lock my fucking parents in because I don't want to wake up any earlier. I absolutely fucking have to, so I park across the street. At this point, a goddamn vehicle pulls up in front of me. I don't see it because I'm busy getting all my shit together, put my weed in my shirt pocket.

You know, I'm about to grab my McDonald's, make sure I have all my sauces. And fucking blue and red starts flashing in front of me. So I'm like, okay, goddammit, what the fuck. I get out of the car. Motherfucker comes over, and he's like's like hey you know your tag lights out and i was like okay now at this point there's about six cop cars around me so i'm like okay this is a lot for a fucking tag light like i don't know who the fuck you guys think you caught but i promise you didn't I didn't say any of that I just said okay so the dude comes over he's like you got an ID like yeah I hand him my

whole wallet he hands me my wallet back and says get your ID out so I do that give it to him and I put my wallet in my shirt pocket which mind you has the fucking weed in it there's this other black cop standing there talking to me. He's like, what are you, an Uber driver? I'm like, no, I fucking live here. He's like, oh, why are you asking me? I was playing Dungeons and Dragons. My other buddy wanted to hang out.

My fucking best friend killed himself a few months ago, you know, so I try to hang out with him whenever I can. That's what you do when your friend kills yourself. You fucking use that shit to your advantage. That's the part where it's a little silver lining and it's bullshit. Yeah. So anyway, the other fucking cop comes back over. You would have wanted your pieces to get out of this drug charge.

He's like, all right, you're good. Black cop says to him, he was playing Dungeons and Dragons. And it is the best use of subtext I've ever seen in my fucking life. In that one sentence, he was able to convey very clearly, I told you it wasn't him, you stupid fucking cracker bitch. They sent me on my way with fucking whiskey on my breast, weed in my pocket. I don't know who the fuck they were looking for, but apparently it was more important than that

because there's no way they didn't smell it. I'm just glad I put the Jameson in the trunk instead of keeping it on the front seat like I would normally do. Where do you live? I feel like I really understand. I don't know where he lives, but yeah, he probably, so, okay. Yeah, like, good on you for beating the cops.

Also, don't drive drunk, dumb shit. Yeah, but I always feel like when people pull me over and they're like, so you Yeah, like, good on you for beating the cops. Also, don't drive drunk, dumb shit. Yeah. Yeah. But I always feel like when people pull me over and they're like, so you're a comedian? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, do I make them prove it? You know? Like, do I, like, do I, what do I, how do I do?

And I always, you know what I got though? And I started keeping my wallet in case I get pulled over is WGA card. So now I can be like, yeah, this is, look at this. Yeah, I'm in the, I'm in the wig. The closest I can have To being a Comedian driver's license Yeah 100%

For when I'm swerving Because I'm driving home Late for my one nighter In fucking Modesto You know honestly I should make a tape public Just in case a cop Pulls me over

Yeah So and then you can see All of your very friendly To cop material Alright we got one more One more installment from this guy. All right. So this is the third one.

I was cut off twice. It was even sadder the second time. You don't have to play either of those. It's just for you guys. You guys, you know, put the two together like the fucking MCU. You got the full story. Enjoy it. I look forward to seeing all of the live show one day where we can talk about how much fun you guys had

making fun of my fucking drunk rambling ass. But I love you guys a lot. And yeah, I hope you found these. Oh, also the whole me understanding the black experience thing. That was obviously a joke. I was cut off before I was able

to make that clear. Oh, I don't think that popped up. Just, if I do see y'all in real life, I'm not an asshole. At least not in that way. All right. Tom's the best. See ya. Thanks, buddy.

And I'm sorry again about your Fred, dude. Yeah, man, that sucks. I'm glad you got away with some shit here, though. Yeah, I'm glad you got to leverage his untimely demise to get out of this fucking bullshit little weed charge. Yeah. Yeah, that is definitely a positive. And by the way, that was almost nothing happened in that story, but I was entertained.

It was really, yeah. I was like, hey, that passed the time. Everything I love was in that story. Cheeseburgers, descriptions of sauces, cops having a bad time. Yeah, fantasy. It's all there. No, the only thing I want to say is like it's fucking really hard losing a friend only thing i want to say is like it's it's fucking

really hard losing a friend but you gotta you gotta take care of yourself and make sure you know it sounds like you're hanging out and having fun and that's good that's that's you need that you need to take care of yourself but like yeah be around don't don't drive home drunk don't don't all all that stuff is is you flirting with something bad happening and uh you know at the same time who the fuck hasn't done that but you know be mindful of it because it hurts when you lose somebody and you don't you don't want to keep spiraling down with that feeling so just i don't know why i sound like a therapist now but i just i you know i want to say well check out tom's new podcast with dr drew

uh where no that was we're just saying we're making a stand here as a podcast you know if you're gonna drive don't eat honey mustard on your fries What the fuck is that? You think you're being quirky Let me tell you this, you're no better than the fat guy With the ranch that nobody talked to in elementary school Okay, bud? And I'm ashamed to count you as one of my listeners

Boo! I actually kind of want to try that now This one's from Christmas Day Oh Hey, boys No, I actually kind of want to try that now. Yeah, it's pretty good. All right, this one's from Christmas Day. Oh. Oh. Hey, boys. It's the buffoon. I'm on my way to work right now.

It's Christmas Day, but, you know, I took care of everything I needed to do at the house. Got two very happy ladies. So we're good there. So I wanted to say Merry Christmas to y'all. I don't know if anybody has. I'm sure they have. But, I don't know. anybody has. I don't know. That's pretty much it.

You know, fuck everything. God is dead. And my favorite part about this voicemail, it says, I got two very heavy ladies at home. I think also might be true, just knowing the demographics of Florida. Hey, good on him. Two wives. I know. That's great.

Two voicemail superstars. Suicide guy and the buffoon from the lagoon. Oh, man. Well, thanks. It's nice tooon from the Lagoon. Ah, man. Well, thanks. It's nice to hear from the buffoon when he's not like, hey, y'all, everyone I know is trapped in a hurricane. I'm getting my rickshaw and my chainsaw, and I'm going to save Sketchy Stock. I got to save all of Florida with a machete. I'll see you all later. Yeah, fucking big ups to the buffoon.

Yeah. All right, let's do one more. There's another one that seems to involve death. So we already had our heavy voicemail this episode. Oh, shit. This one's from Germany. This should be good. Oh, they know all about death.

Hey, I mean, boys. It's Hendrik from Germany calling. Hendrik Pastanek. Hey. Hendrik, I got to be honest. You got a real cute voice. Yeah. First of all, you're adorable.

I was getting ready to make fun of, like, some German, like, fucking Guten Tag shit. And I'm like, first of all, you're adorable. I was getting ready to make fun of some German fucking Guten Tag shit, and I'm like, oh, damn, that's smooth. No, dude, this motherfucker sounds like a Pikachu in Stormtrooper gear. It's just cute, but still sinister. I love it. This guy's voice gets you wet while you listen to Kraftwerk. This is like my impression of a German guy. Hello, it's Hendrik from Germany.

Hey, dude, he's Dieter Skisbach. I was pooping on my boyfriend, and I thought, why not call the Mean Boys? They seem like they would like to be appraised of these details. I just do a Swedish-ish accent for my Germany. Yeah, so there I am, gaping and squeezing, gaping and squeezing. You know, the old devil seesaw, as we say. And then the glorious nugget finally drops. And I thought to myself, is this not just The Plinko machine

Of sexual gratification I will take my answer Off the air Oh yeah alright I really want to hear What Hendrik has to say Because he's a Mean Boys Early adopter

Yeah I've known him From his handle for years Hey there Mean Boys It's Hendrik from Germany Calling Basically just calling So you have another Weird accent to make fun of.

I've been listening for a long time and it's been really fun so far. And I'm looking forward to listening a lot to the podcast in the future. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is costing me a month in rent. So I'm going to stop this now. Keep being awesome. And yeah, bye. That was a good one. I don't know if, oh sorry, what were you going to say? I was going to say, you know what's

great is that so far most easy to hear words said in the voicemail was from a foreigner. Yeah, take note, various buffoons from different lagoons across this great nation. That is what European efficiency looks like. No, we have a lot of different dum-dums

that are correlated to various hilarious kinds of bodies of water. All right. There's the oaf from the Gulf. He's out there. There's the dummy from the Dell. Paul from the pond. The geek from the creek. Yeah, you know, but you guys got to take a little diction out of Hendrick's book over here.

Yeah, no, look, Hendrick's book is actually, I don't know, do the profits go to the anti-defamation league yeah it's illegal to technically to sell hendrix book yeah i remember one time we had to do a book report on a great man in school and some guys like well great means of large magnitude so i can do hitler right and the teacher was like i don't know i'm drunk sure it's one of those great miss krabappel like probably not but fucking i'll be goddamned if I want to navigate that argument. Yeah,

it's going to be a you problem. Look, if it will make you read, go for it. Yeah. Dude, nothing on top of,

oh, sorry, what? Oh, no, just go for it. The fucking British guys are like,

oh, mate, it's me, I love Tom. Oi! Tom's the greatest ever. Every, fuck you,

the other poofters. Everybody else in the flat, close off. At least he's bruv. Tom's mento. I'm serious. Foreigners just like me because I sound the way they think Americans should.

That's a good point. Tom's very popular in Vegas. Dude, yeah. I found out that Australian people call avocados avos, and they also call it a a rude word for the aboriginal peoples is avos. So I think that should be their slur for hipsters. Like, oh, these fucking avos moving in. Opening up coffee shops and closing down all my favorite boomerangeries.

Where am I supposed to get my kangaroo saddle? My kangadashery. Putting fucking horseshoes on a kangaroo so they can tap dance like Fred Astaire. Well, I think that's the voicemails for this week. If you want to drop us a line, do so over at 304-855-MEAN. That's 304-855-6326 for any simpletons out there. We're coming back on the road. We're locking shows in right now.

Those are going to be announced. If you're not on that email, let's get on there because you'll get a ticket discount once shit goes live and we want the real heads to be able to get in there for as cheap as possible. What do you have to plug, Keith? I know you've got some dates coming up. You're recording your album in January? Yeah, I'm recording my album January 27th at the Chatterbox in West Covina. If you're in or around

the LA area and you can make it, I really would love to see you guys there. I want as many Mean Boys fucking dummies to show up as possible Oh yeah If you're anywhere within You know A two hour drive

Make the trip Because Keith's on fire right now Yeah both the boys are going to be here It's going to be It's going to be We'll have a big old party afterwards It'll be a lot of fun And you get to be

Be a part of history It'll be really cool Yeah and I can also Because I just booked this May 3rd and 4th I'm coming back to Tucson, Arizona I'm headlining Laugh's Comedy Cafe out there

I had a fucking great time I met a couple of you guys last time Yeah it's a fucking good club So if you're in Tucson Save the day May 3rd and 4th, I'm coming back to Tucson, Arizona. I'm headlining Laugh's Comedy Cafe out there. I had a fucking great time. I met a couple of you guys last time. Yeah, it's a fucking good club. So if you're in Tucson, save the date. May 3rd and 4th. When's this episode again? Tuesday. It's going to be Tuesday.

Tuesday? So January 20th, I'm at Gunwale Ale's in Newport Beach. Come out to that on the 21st. I'm at the Ha Ha Cafe. And yeah, go see all of us at Keys album recordings. It'll be fucking great. Yeah, it's coming Wednesday. I'm at the Santa Fe Star Casino and somewhere in New Mexico.

And there's really no comedy in New Mexico. So if you want to see me and you're in New Mexico, this is kind of your shot. So I'll be there with Jessica and Michelle. That'll be a lot of fun. 25th and 26th, I'm at the Chico's in Fresno. I always love coming to Fresno, so come see me if you're up there.

And then a little bit further down the line, I'll be back in San Diego at the Comedy Palace February 8th and 9th if any San Diego heads want to come say hi. And I think I'm going to be coming to New York in March, so stay tuned to that. That's it. Alright, thanks for tuning in everybody. Love you.

Fuck everything. God's it. All right. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Love you. Fuck everything. God is dead.