Mean Boys - EP 178 - Richard Gere Goebbels (feat. Dave Ross)
Episode Date: January 22, 2019Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/existential-crisis/id1449291796?mt=2 Sign up for Stitch Fix at http://stitchfix.com/meanboys and get... 25% off your first box! Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-the-best-podcast-app/id1275493456?mt=8 Go see Dave Ross record his album: https://thelaughbutton.com/dave-ross/dave-ross-is-recording-his-debut-comedy-album-in-los-angeles-on-february-12th/ Listen to Suicide Buddies: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/suicide-buddies/id1308812097?mt=2 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: https://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at (304) 805-6326 We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla Follow our guest Dave Ross on Twitter: http://DaveToTheRoss Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
It's the Mean Boys Podcast.
With Dave Ross, one of our favorites.
Man, the banana master himself.
The bandana?
The bandana master.
The bandana academy comes back to the show.
Dave Ross himself.
Everybody knows Dave loves bandanas, all right?
He loves that shit.
That's why he joined the Crips and the Bloods.
He's the only white guy with dual membership.
Just purple bandana.
And everyone's like, I have no clue what to make of this.
That fucker reps the grimace hard, B.
Dave's an amazing comedian.
You've got to go
to his album taping
coming up at the Satellite
in Los Angeles.
Ticket information for that
will be in the show notes
if you're in the area
and you want to come out.
And he came on
to promote Hampton Young's album
which will be coming out soon
because Hampton doesn't check
his Facebook messages.
So if you'd like to have Hampton on the show, us too, send him a tweet.
Yeah, please harass him.
That came out bitterer than I wanted it to.
He's great.
He riffs like the Harlem Globetrotters play basketball.
He's unstoppable.
Yeah, I've never seen somebody so confidently dunk on Connor, who I believe to be one of the fastest men alive.
I know, it's humiliating.
I feel like Han Solo when that Dash Rendar guy
shows up in
Shadows of the Empire.
That's a joke
for my high school friends.
Dave's also great
and he was on this episode.
Yeah, whatever.
Here's the thing.
Not only is he beautiful,
but he's funny too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But Dave is present.
Yeah, Dave's here.
Go listen to Suicide Buddies.
Our label mates
over on Starburns Audio.
That's also in the show notes.
And that's a great podcast.
I've listened to it.
I fucking dig it.
Those guys are awesome.
If you don't want to hear those two guys talk about suicide,
what the hell's the matter with you?
Man, fucking something.
And back to some exciting news in Mean Boys world.
The tour is being locked in, and we're ready to announce cities.
And we're fucking stoked.
We're going to be going out on more of these,
more like little short 10, 14-day ja instead of a a 30 day uh weird like colonel
kurt's descent into uh you know uh not having laundry yeah that last big one was like super
fun but it also almost killed all of us yeah so we're just gonna we're gonna have some fun breezy
little getaways throughout the year and uh so if you're if your city's not here still fill out that
tour sheet if you want us to come do a show near you and come check us out and uh make sure you're
on the email list because we will be tweeting out some uh some cheaper tickets to
email list subscribers for a little bit so you get the jump you get the jump on the on the rest
of the plebes but this tour late march early april we're going to houston whoa we're going to
austin shit we're going to dallas well that's also in texas we're going to kansas city that's not in
texas we're down we're going to st louis shazam we're going to Kansas City. That's not in Texas. We're down. We're going to St. Louis.
Shazam.
We're going to motherfucking Nashville.
Whoa.
We're going to Hotlanta.
Coldlanta.
And, of course, the Mean Boys capital of the world, goddamn Florida.
Yeah, finally.
The balloons are going to the lagoon.
We'll see you in Orlando, fucknuts.
I haven't been.
Dude, they have Disney stuff there.
Wow, our favorite.
Why would you bring that up?
But those are the cities we're hitting on this tour.
We are really excited to go.
We'll be announcing ticket links and venues and all that shit as it's locked in.
Some of it's already locked.
A few things we're waiting to finalize right now.
Yeah.
Just one more thing.
Please come.
Yeah.
Please come.
When we put the tickets up, please buy them because money does help us book travel for
these.
Yeah. Again, I know the show is, look, we get some cool people on and, you know, we're doing okay on the Patreon.
Remember that this is three guys that live in a house that's always on fire.
So, yeah, and we're being gentrified out of our neighborhood.
I know that because as I pulled in today, I saw a guy in a black hoodie smoking a palm all walking to Chihuahuas.
So the end is near.
And speaking of giving us money, we got some like 10 meanies left in stock.
They're black.
And I got like one of one of the color.
I'll tweet out the link tomorrow so you guys can cop those.
But yeah, get yourself a meanie if you haven't got one already.
People dig them.
They're great.
I like seeing the pictures.
It's cool.
And that made us. We got a picture today from friendly Keith Ray. Bought a beanie. I already. People dig them. They're great. I like seeing the pictures. It's cool. And that made us stoked.
We got a picture today
from friendly Keith Ray
bought a beanie.
I saw it.
Oh, yeah.
It's a Keith Ray.
Oh, yeah.
Folsom Keith Ray.
So it works for him.
It'll work for you.
Yeah, and we're glad
you guys are stoked on that.
We're probably going to be
making more wacky apparel items
in the very, very near future.
You have no idea
how much I've enjoyed
becoming a fashion icon
within the cigarette-bumming
community here.
Yeah, I'd like for us
to be a bad podcast but a pretty good T-shirt company.
Yeah.
I want us to be one of those T-shirt companies that's just always at Ross
and you never see them anywhere else.
Oh, fuck yeah.
I want to be like Paper Denim and Cloth.
Yes.
Oh, dude, that was such a specific.
Man, if I wasn't fucking exhausted, I could think of a few.
But yeah, Brixton Academy.
Oh, shit, dog.
A lot of Brixton Academy jackets.
Platinum 88.
Yeah. Oh, shit. dog. A lot of Brixton Academy jackets. Platinum 88. Yeah.
Oh, shit. I know none of these things.
A lot of weird ones that just say various versions of California with some sort of skull
or star or rose. Yeah, and then one Deadpool shirt
mixed in for some reason. Oh, there's always one.
God, Ross is garbage. But it's
like the Deadpool crossover, but with the
off-front. It's like, oh, Easter Deadpool.
I guess that would be a Ross.
I've never been to a Ross.
I did help two people get married at a Sears.
Anyway.
What?
Well, I introduced them.
That's not a service they offer.
That doesn't count as helping if you just introduced them, Tom.
I introduced.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess you did.
All right, I'll give it to you.
It's a weird technicality.
You picked the strangest way to phrase that, but it's still technically true.
I'm sorry I didn't phrase it for your liking.
No, I liked it.
I phrase how I be.
Stop cantankering over there, you son of a bitch.
Anyway, buy a mani.
If you don't have any money, that's fine.
Here are things you can do to help us keep being fucking morons.
Get a job and send us some money.
Yeah, send us a greasy envelope full of loose cash
you stole from your mom.
Shell it out, pay pigs.
Leave us a goddamn iTunes review.
We are trying to get to 500.
If we get to 500 iTunes reviews,
Tom Goss will be tased.
And if you don't want to see Tom...
More stun guns.
It's a stun gun, yeah.
If you don't want to see video footage
of Tom Goss being tased in Orlando,
unsubscribe.
We're going on tour last week of March, first week of April.
We got to get to 500 by then so we can tase Tom.
There's nothing but static electricity in the air.
It's all humidity and fat and sweat.
Here's my dream version.
We're going to be eating skateboard-sized grilled cheeses again.
We're about to tase Tom.
Right as that happens, a rogue alligator runs into the room.
They both get tased at the same time.
And now we got a Brundle Gator, baby.
What? Who's Brundle Gator?
It's gonna be you. She's the
longest serving Justice
Justice.
Oh, Ruth Brundle Gator?
Oh, fuck.
Best intro ever.
Descending opinion on Roe v. Wade
Supreme Court Justice Gator
Roe v. Waiters
Declaring simply
Chickens be delicious
No that's
Chickens be delicious was
He met with Teddy Roosevelt
About civil rights
Oh fuck
I forgot about the whole chicken and black people thing.
So that came out racist.
No, you're fine.
I was trying to do a B middle initial joke.
Anyway.
Anyway.
So fucking Dave writes five stars.
It's fine.
Tase Tom quote attributed to Fred Durst.
So I don't know really what's going on there, but I like it.
I like Fred Durst listens to our show and is invested enough to leave a review.
I bet we have one person that we would
find famous that listens
that we're unaware of. I bet we'd find out
some guy that was in CKY listens
or something like that. Oh, that would be so cool.
Or some sort of, I don't know, maybe
one of the Circle Jerks touring members
or something. Yeah, I'm into that.
What did he write about Fred Durst?
He said it's okay to tase you. It's fine. Tase Tom. Oh, said Fred Durst? He said that it's okay to tase you.
It's fine to tase Tom.
Oh, said Fred Durst.
Yeah, which I don't know where Fred begins or ends in this equation, but whatever.
Yeah.
Quote the Fred Durst.
Quast the fucking Rap Rock Raven.
Yeah, Limp Bizkit, who is he again?
He's the Limp Bizkit guy.
Yeah.
I want to start a Limp Bizkit cover band called Hard Tech.
And we play it like jazz.
All right.
Hey, man, we got a Reddit page.
We just broke 500 subscribers, which is only halfway away from not looking embarrassingly bad.
Jump on the Reddit.
Jump on our Discord server.
Our Mean Boys.
Yeah, the Discord server.
The link for that is in the show notes.
The Discord server is a lot of fun.
It's a chat room. It's popping off in there people are just talking
about i don't know mean boysy shit it's great what's fun about the discord server is that it
has stopped being really related i'll go in here i'm going to look for mean boys talk yeah there's
very little of it now they're just talking about like recipes yeah there's a whole recipe board
there's just like conversation about their day there was a video of somebody putting a butt plug
in earlier which was pretty cool.
Oh, nice.
You showed me a few Mean Boys fans that are remain nameless as penises.
And oh, my God, I didn't need to see that.
It's really weird.
We have a fan base with some daunting cocks.
I'm really proud of you guys. It was upsettingly robust.
I've never seen a bad dick on a Mean Boys fan.
Yeah.
You guys rule.
Anyway, so yeah, go check those out.
Patreon, five bucks a month
weekly bonus content uh we just had a really fun show with robbie goodman you'll hear a clip from
that later we're talking family guy voices we're talking cso talk we're talking good stuff guys
man come join us at the bottom of the barrel yeah we've retooled those we got guests in now it's a
lot of fun we're just we're riffing shooting the shit it's a it's a fast-paced high energy time
and uh 10 bucks a month that's a monthly's a fast-paced high energy time and 10
bucks a month that's a monthly goodie tom what are we doing this month oh well uh if you love
cone zone and you love keys and you love chains you love not losing things which is probably an
issue for you if you think it's a good idea to invest in cones if you love all those three
things together we have a hat no i'm kidding we have a cone zone keychain yeah that you can
fucking you know put on your key or your toe or or and here's what's great about ring keychain
here's what's great about this is the cone zone keychain people are going to see that and be like
what is the cone zone and then you get to do this pitch forever we get to market test this idea in
the field if it works if you pitch Cone Zone and people seem
excited about it, if we get enough, maybe we
start working on making a miniature version of this.
Yeah, I mean, maybe Halloween... No, it's a full-out
version. Maybe by the time we do Halloween
this year, we can make it a big party like we wanted
to and have a pop-up Cone Zone truck.
Oh my god, a pop-up Cone Zone truck!
Keith, that was the gayest thing I've seen
in my entire life. I got so excited!
That's such a great idea!
You did the thing where you're getting ready to fist bump the air at the end of that Keith, that was the gayest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I got so excited. That's such a great idea. Yeah, yeah.
You did the thing where you're getting ready to fist bump the air at the end of that 180s movie with Pussy.
But you didn't do it all.
You just shook your body instead.
Forget about comb.
Instead of raising it, you just shook your – you did the wiggle.
I supported this dumb idea for the first time ever, and you're mocking me. Yeah, you stupid assholes.
Whatever, you hard-finned little dunce.
You shimmied with unbridled joy.
That was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
It was adorable.
Like, if a dog did that on video, it would go viral in three seconds.
Oh, it would go viral after it gets fucked?
You guys heard the one about Keith and the dog?
Hey-o. Yeah, so fucking check out the Patreon. Oh, it would go viral after it gets fucked. You guys heard the one about Keith and the dog?
Yeah, so fucking check out the Patreon.
It helps support a small business.
It's National Small Business Month here at LegalZoom.
Is it?
No, I just fucking hate LegalZoom's ads where they pretend it's National Small Business Month every goddamn month.
Man, nothing would be funnier than if we got sponsored by LegalZoom.
Oh, I think we shot that in the dick.
You know, I'm sure they have great deals.
Are you listening? Zoom your legals? No, I think we shot that in the dick. You know, I'm sure they have great deals. Are you listening?
Zoom your Legals?
No, I hope Jason, our boss,
isn't listening to this part.
So that's going on.
Fucking follow us on all the socials.
Get a little more Mean Boys in your life every day.
We just did a pretty good video
of me and Tom singing Pixies.
We were just two bros singing Pixies songs
at one in the morning.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was pretty...
It was exactly what people imagined.
Not even ironically, both very into it.
Super into it.
Yeah.
And there was that one moment where you both sang the note, the wrong pitch.
Oh, that was supposed to be later in the song.
And then pretended to not feel like dorks.
Yeah.
And then we watched a lot more Pixies clips.
Yeah.
But anyway, it's time to get into the show.
Dave Ross is our guest.
It's going to be an all-timer.
You know that.
Here it is.
Dave's an all-time favorite.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.
The world's a motorcycle gang, and you're the fat guy in the trike.
I'm Connor McSpadden.
I'm Dave Ross.
I'm Keith Carey.
And I am...
A coach for professional eaters.
Whenever I see you just chain-smoking and just eating fistfuls of loose nuts in the tap-out shorts, it's all I can think of.
It doesn't help that you play the Rocky theme while you're snacking.
I never understood why that was your snacking music.
Gonna fly now.
Yeah, there's no less trustworthy guy than the guy who wears workout clothes and is not working out.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's a real recipe for bad stepdad kind of, you know.
Yeah.
Like the tracksuit really is the stepdad tuxedo, you know.
Because I've never seen anybody that owns a tracksuit break a sweat, yet that's ostensibly what the garment is for.
Yeah, well, I have a track jacket that I wear sometimes,
and I feel like people look at me and they're like,
he sells ladies.
That guy has a shipping container full of bulk holes.
Yeah, he sells a crate of discount women.
Dude, I've been in the market for a track suit for a little while,
and it's an investment, and I'm trying to shop around.
You know, I say that about you.
And I was going on offer up, and I said,
wait a minute, Connor, you're currently seriously
considering buying a used tracksuit.
Oh, no.
Arguably the worst thing on the earth to buy pre-owned car, wife, anything better than
tracksuit.
Well, yeah, because it's either full of ball sweat or like Russian mob blood.
Like it's the only two options.
I would rather buy a used condom than a used track shirt.
Oh, for sure.
It sounds fucking...
By the way, I do like that this podcast is make Dave come over while he's sick and then
riff without letting him speak.
Real hospitality here.
Well, in fairness, that's most comedy podcasts.
Have you ever done one?
Yeah, watch us talk to each other.
Damn, they really come at you.
Have you ever done mine?
It's just like, you should be a guest on our show.
Just sit here and make our numbers go up.
Yeah, and try to get a word in edgewise while Hampton does a one-man show about some sort of circus bear that's getting a divorce that he just came up with.
Hey, he's doing Mean Boys soon, huh?
Oh, you know what's funny?
No, because he won't respond to texts.
He was supposed to come today.
I know that all too well.
Dave is here to promote Hampton's album because we we saw oh hampton's having an album out i wonder if you'd like to
come do mean boys and then we're like well yeah we get them on with dave it'll be a super episode
and long story short i think hampton's dead and what's up dave anyway you should buy hampton's
album able yeah if he's dead i'm i'm taking that money oh hell yeah dude fuck yeah you're just
writing a clearly fake will
On the back of a kids menu from Burger King
I have the worst plan of all time
I wanted to get all the money
From Hampton's new album
After he kills himself
Is there a worse thing to be left in a will
Than Spotify streaming revenue
Just give me the cat
I think the only worst thing
Is maybe a tracksuit
I could opt that That's like, just give me the cat. My friend is dead, but I'll make 78.
I could have that.
One of the times I tried to kill myself, I left my phone to my little brother, and it was not a good phone.
You left him an LG 1405.
The flip phone goes to Shun.
It was so fucking. He's like, well, my brother's dead, but I can play Snake now, so that's a good setup.
The loose change goes to Larissa.
Are you still R.I.P. and T9?
You were going to kill yourself, and you were like, well, I...
I gotta tie up some loose ends.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I want to make sure all my...
I want to make sure my Tamagotchis have a good home.
Totally.
I love the idea that you're giving out every individual thing you want. My left shoe goes
to my mom, my right shoe goes to the mailman.
You guys sort it out. Oh, I did
and there was so little, but I was like,
I need to leave them something so they know I'm not
upset with them in any way. Yeah.
Yeah, that'll really soothe the pain.
Yeah, this is like... Wow.
The dumbest... This is something I wrote.
My hockey stick tape goes to
Connor. I wrote this in Spanish class wrote. And my hockey stick tape goes to Connor.
I wrote this in Spanish class.
And the bullet in my head goes to...
Opened envelope.
Moonlight.
Oh, my God.
No way.
Again, congrats, guys.
You really earned it.
Yeah, I think one of the other things I put in there is no one gets the computer.
What, you're going to be buried with it like a shitty pharaoh?
I don't want anyone to see the porn. I want to cremate the porn into my soul
like an Egyptian king.
I also refuse to believe you had a computer.
I barely have one now.
I worked too hard collecting all these 1080p
ass parade files. I want them
in the other dimension.
Tom didn't have a computer. He had an Etch-a-Sketch and supportive parents.
He had an empty Domino's box andketch and supportive parents. No, he had an empty
Domino's box
and an Adderall problem
is what he had.
They're like,
what are you drawing
on the internet?
That's my favorite
bit of all time
is every time Keith
is sitting in front
of an open pizza box,
I say,
oh, Keith's working
on his laptop.
Oh, that's amazing.
The worst part of that
is that there's been
enough times
that you can say
the phrase
every time he's sitting
in front of an empty
pizza box.
It's so good, dude.
Oh, my God. Just staring into the nothingness in front of an empty pizza box. It's so good, dude. Oh, my God.
Just staring into the nothingness
in the middle of the pizza box.
Yeah, just looking like
the grease spot shaped
like where my joy used to be.
Absolutely.
The little white picnic table
is like the Mac loading wheel,
you know, on the pizza laptop.
Being like,
I'm not going to eat the cheese
baked into the corner
and then be like, yeah, yeah.
You're resting.
You have like that mouse
rest hand thing,
but it's breadsticks.
I have a supportive mouse pad.
It comes with one year free of Papa McAfee's.
It's breadsticks and just a butter container.
Oh, man.
A lot of good pizza laptop stuff.
Dude, I love pizza.
Do you guys love pizza?
I love pizza.
I kind of don't give a shit about pizza.
Ah, dude, pizza's the best.
I don't believe that.
Look, I'll eat it.
We just built you a pizza computer your arm like a construction worker carrying four by fours well yeah it's because i usually have like my girlfriend's in the basement i got
to feed her something i don't want to go anywhere yeah my girlfriend's i got to go throw a pizza
down to my girlfriend in the basement and tell her, you know, whatever the fucking Buffalo Dan speech is or whatever.
Buffalo Dan?
I don't know.
I don't seem to know.
Damn.
This riff got weird.
Like out of nowhere.
Yeah, we got to cannibalism so quickly.
Yeah, absolutely.
Man, everyone, the shittiness of our house is stuff of legend and it just rained and shit just works weird in the house when it rains.
Like, hey, Keith, can you run the hot water?
I'm trying to make some toast.
There's certain little connections that, look,
unless the light on the kitchen's on,
you're not going to be able to get on the internet.
Well, the rain always makes more knives wash up on Tom's bed.
The rain knocks out electrical outlets by my bed.
None of the electrical outlets work anymore. Yeah, because Tom just texts us, like,
are your guys' outlets working?
And everyone's like, yeah.
And I'm like, oh, I guess it just sucks to be Tom right now.
I did walk by.
The guy who needs outlets the most, probably.
I was walking out of the kitchen the other day while it was raining, and Tom was just sitting on his bed.
Not really doing anything, but the lights are just flickering because of the rain around him.
And you've never looked more terrifying in your life.
Oh, yeah.
It's like, yeah, I had a bad dream, and now the Wi-Fi's down.
I'm having a bad day.
The power went out in the part of the kitchen I sleep in.
You just looked like the Babadook if he gave up on monster activity and just moved in.
Yeah.
Last time Tom farted, there was a small blackout in the neighborhood.
So, I mean, I do believe he's-
Oh, I felt that one, yeah.
I believe he's-
I live in Glendale.
I do believe he's like the first generation of those looper ESP guys,
where he's got the shitty telekinesis.
Sometimes I worry about that.
I know I shouldn't worry about that, but sometimes I genuinely worry about that.
Honestly, you're the one guy who probably should.
Remember when the table shook for no reason?
Yes.
I will never forget when you got angry and the table shook for no reason.
That was one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen.
What?
Me and Tom were outside.
I was so happy that you and Spencer were there for that, because that's one of the things,
if I just told you guys that happened, no one would believe me.
What did you get mad about?
Yeah, what happened?
I wasn't there for this.
It wasn't even something dramatic.
It was like Tabasco, Tapatio level Tom anger.
You know, like baseline, like fucking casual anger.
I think I was bitching about my ex or something.
Maybe, yeah.
It was just sort of a growing conversation.
And then furniture just started trembling?
It just slid.
Yeah, it slid like three inches.
It just shook and slid.
And, yeah, it had not moved at all.
And there was no breeze.
There was no shaking of other objects.
Just that one table moved.
And we all looked at each other's feet and shit.
We're like, what the fuck was that?
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, that was a pretty good one.
Anyway, they did do experiments on my brain at one point,
but I don't think they had anything.
Who is they?
Doctors?
I feel like we're really jumping around in this conversation big time.
This is what we did on our bonus episode this week.
That makes sense.
Tom Goss is Beach Bum Akira.
I don't know what they did, but they gave me 50 bucks for it.
They did experiments on your brain.
Oh, it was like a study that you signed up for.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, they asked me to be in it.
Tom got an Applebee's gift card one time
to be electrocuted, and now he has powers.
Because of your...
They were like,
we know that your brain is good for this experiment.
Yes, that's exactly what it was.
They're like, ooh, you fit our qualifications.
You're here anyway.
Would you like to make 50 bucks?
Wait, Connor, I'm sorry, man.
I really need a lot more detail.
I have one more question on this subject.
In what study are you part of any fucking useful control group?
You know what I mean?
That's what I'm asking.
Yeah.
There's no more of that.
Because what you just said was not only was your brain useful for this study,
they had heard tell of your brain before.
And they were like, well, we got to get him.
How do we get a brain this angry and able to move tables?
There is a man in Los Angeles County who lives such a destitute existence that when he gets angry, plywood tables move.
He controls garbage molecules.
He's been so sad for so long.
He can mentally...
Yeah, Tom cried a hole in the wall last night.
He can mentally work himself up to performing
C-level pro wrestling antics with his mind.
Table destruction.
Yeah.
Wait, no, but for real.
Oh, I was like, this is right after the suicide attempt.
I was very psychotic.
And they were like, damn, we can learn shit from strapping things to your head.
And then they did a bunch of tests.
And yeah, they didn't really tell me what it was for.
You tried to kill yourself, went to the hospital, and then the doctors were like, we should do experiments on this guy.
Pretty much, yeah.
That's going to make a suicidal you feel better.
You know this guy needs a bunch of sensor spirit gum to his skull.
See, this is why I don't like Obamacare.
Can't wait to see where this is going.
They also sleep deprived me for it.
They're like, you can't sleep for 48 hours.
And I was like, that's not going to be a problem.
Yeah, it wasn't.
Were they just trying to get you to finish the job?
I have no idea.
No, they did that.
And then they tested me for like 14 hours or something.
What's crazy is this is the exact plot line of Manhunt Unabomber.
I don't know that movie.
It sort of is, yeah.
Oh, shit.
You should see it.
It's a show on Discovery.
It's great.
Okay.
But yeah,
apparently the Unabomber
was created when he was
at college and they just
did a bunch of experiments
I love when a real life
person has a fucking
origin story, you know?
After Christopher Dorner
fell in that
vat marked
XXX skull
that he came out.
And I had a thirst for the blood of his white counterparts.
Man, I just got back from a four-day, 2,000-mile road trip with my ex-girlfriend.
That was like Chevy Chase-level comedy badness.
No, it was actually fun.
After you said the Chris Dorner thing, it really felt like you were going to be like,
I just came back from DornerCon.
DornerCon.
Dude, it's like Coachella.
I got the wristband, but it's just sort of like a bloody medical bracelet they've designed.
Everybody who was in the manifesto, all the famous people, are doing a panel.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Margaret Cho on her influence.
Yeah, the Dorner manifesto, it's the funniest thing ever because it's like, you know, all white cops should be killed. Also, man. Yeah, Margaret Cho on her influence. Yeah, the Dorner Manifesto.
It's the funniest thing ever because it's like, you know, all white cops should be killed.
Also, Ellen is great.
Like, it's a real thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
No, go for it.
No, okay.
Anyway, I was just going to say this fucking trip with Jessica and I are doing this new
podcast, Existential Crisis, about relationship and shit.
So we did an episode on the road and it was fun.
But like, just let me explain to you this moment.
So we listened to five Reba McIntyre songs, all right?
Three of which are about God and make her furious.
She's angry.
She's so disappointed in Reba.
The other two, crying uncontrollably,
independently of one another.
Did you know that there's 19 hours of a band called Sugarland?
I found that out recently.
Oh, God.
I was so much fucking 90s country,
to the point that I got Stockholm kind that out recently. Oh, God. I was so much fucking 90s country to the point that I got like Stockholm kind of into it.
Oh, no.
I've got all these fucking songs about finger banging
and water towers stuck in my head.
So now you're going to be just wearing a track.
That's the worst music.
It's the worst music.
A hundred percent.
I love it.
Oh, man.
Now you're just going to be wearing a track suit
and listening to Rascal Flatts.
You're becoming nine different terrible dudes.
Oh, yeah.
And she's like,
I need you to Google
of Eric Church's single
and then yells at me
because I'm texting
and driving the thing
she asked me to Google.
Truly a nightmare.
Yeah.
Connor got home last night
and was like,
I got to show you this.
It's terrible,
but I kind of like it.
It was just about
finger banging on a water tower
or something like that.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's about painting,
it's literally a song
about painting a,
like, Billy Bob loves Charlene
on a water tower
and I'm like, I can't.
It's stuck in my fucking head.
Oh, fuck.
Wow.
Our hotel tonight reservation got fucked up.
So we had to stay in a historic hotel, which, as we know, is code for shitty fucking hotel.
Yeah.
And we had to share one like extra long full bed.
It was just a comical disaster.
So we're just sitting next to each other, just farting and bickering.
It kind of sounds like your dream relationship
because nobody had to fuck and you both got to be unhappy honestly yeah i mean if i would have
gotten some sneakers it would have been a 10 out of 10 very specific unpleasant needs from a woman
and jessica's whole diet is just like beef sticks and health snacks so she's just like
queefing out just rancid noxious gas like
like paint melting fucking fumes
every eight minutes and by the
she's so tiny and I'm like it must ferment
quicker. Those are the most fucked up senses I've ever heard in my life.
Queefing rancid fumes?
Yeah there's so much in there.
Well yeah there's a lot of imagery.
I want to hear what she
has to say about you right now because
that that
word for word same shit. Connor kept queefing up Slim Jims. I want to hear what she has to say about you right now. Because that...
Word for word, same shit.
Connor kept queefing up Slim Jims.
He kept pee-hole farting out fucking protein bar fucking gas.
If anybody could fart out of their wiener, it is you.
Oh, that would be...
You need a new vent for negativity.
That would be great.
Like, oh, tea's done.
Oh, man, this is fun.
I think we're all fired up.
You guys want to get into the Mexican joke off?
Ay, so topical.
Let's do it.
I'll take it away this week.
Hell yeah.
A woman was kicked out of a Walmart for drinking red wine out of a Pringles can.
This led to Pringles' new slogan, once you pop, your kids get taken by the cops.
Okay. A Russian sex coach was arrested after claiming she had evidence of Russia's influence of the election.
No info on whether this claim has merit, but for more info, go to her website, www.russianspissondesperatebillionaires.com.
My God, I fucked that up nine different directions.
I love that you chose to include WWW.
Of course.
All the jokes you do for this sound like you woke up and tapped them down in the middle of the night and then did not check them later.
What the fuck is a Russian sex coach?
That's what I keep thinking.
Speaking of tracksuits, that guy's got to have every color.
The stripes are just cum.
She just has an Instagram and then goes to Thailand and is like, you want to do this
with your pussy?
And people are like, that's good.
Yeah, because I still have these orgasm workshops or the cunnilingus class.
And I'm like, who is weird enough to watch a YouTube video?
You know Pornhub has instructional videos.
I hope it's for how to waterproof a deck.
I mean, me too.
I would love to jerk off to that.
That would be fun to have just like, hey, here's how to balance your checkbook.
But the lady's just naked, you know?
I feel like that's probably a creepy business we could start.
I feel like that definitely exists.
That has to exist.
I feel like I've seen that, actually.
I saw topless movie reviews where it's just girls being like, yeah, I thought that Splice kind of fell apart in the third act.
I saw the same thing, but with Roger Ebert.
Really?
Yeah, he is hot. Fat tits tits no jaw that's a good look it's actually his name all right guys uh a chicago police officer who's that's it you're done karma it up i'm gonna come back to that one uh doctors
are warning women not to follow the advice of magazine marie claire which advised readers to
put parsley in their vaginas.
One medical expert wrote,
we garnish your wages, not your pushies.
Get it right, you goofy broads.
I like that you did Italian fingers to really get the misogyny across.
I almost paid that guy to apologize to Clay
until I remembered he's been done about eight times already.
Yeah.
All right.
Gladys Knight will be singing the national anthem at this year's Super Bowl.
She's gotten a lot of flack for it.
And when asked for a comment in a recent interview on why she agreed to do it, she said, because
I'm a piece of shit.
Who's Gladys Knight?
That piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Some shitty old lady.
Some dumb whore whose Twitter is about to blow up.
She's a Motown singer.
She basically had three fat backup dancers called The Pips who just did adorable fat.
It's like if the Charmin Bears sang with The Temptations, basically.
What's her big song?
Midnight Train to Georgia.
Oh, yeah, that one.
That's a song.
Oh, yeah, she was huge.
She did a version of Herd It Through the Grapevine that was quite popular.
She's great, but yeah.
Three... Yeah.
You heard it here first. Big Chris Dorner fan.
Oh, yeah. Loves that dude.
Man, I was working
a door-to-door sales job.
Well, you were working door-to-door?
Oh, you beat me to it.
I was down in Orange County when that was happening.
It was, like, right in the neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
And I remember one time, we're going door to door, me and my friend, and this cop car rolls up.
And I see her go up to talk to the cops because they wave her over.
And then she just starts crying.
And she said when she got there, the cops were just driving around with their guns out in their hand.
And I'm like, I'm pretty sure this small white girl is not Christopher Darner.
Oh, I almost got shot because of that piece of shit.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. I forgot about this
weird story. Yeah, well, I went over to my
friend's house. Turns out Tom
drives the same car as every scorned
police murderer. He's got the same
demo. Yeah, I was coming back from my
friend's house because she was all trying to kill herself
and shit, and I'm driving home, and
I... Or as Tom calls it, errands.
And there's a solid red light.
It wasn't flashing.
It was just a solid red light behind me.
And I was like, oh, that's a cop, but they're not doing the flashies, so I guess I'm good.
And I drive like another six blocks, and I'm like, oh, he's following me.
So then I pull over, and he, gun was drawn, fucking.
Jesus.
Yeah, no, he was super ready to shoot me.
I mean, you were driving around in blackface.
I don't know what was going to happen.
Well, I know it keeps the sun out of your eyes
like a football player, but I've told you.
Three children were found dead in a freezer.
Let this be a lesson, kids.
Next time you play Avengers,
not everybody gets to be Captain America.
That's pretty great.
A man went on a deadly hammer rampage
In a Brooklyn restaurant
He claims he was trying to pick up the laser sword
Or the pokeball but the items were right next to each other
Yeah
I heard hammer rampage
And I was like thinking like oh I'm gonna do a Smash Bros riff
And I'm like oh that was way better
Man if you can kill two guys with a hammer before someone stops you,
you're pretty good at having a hammer.
Yeah, yeah.
Did I ever tell the story about the Greyhound hammer guy?
No.
This is one right after I got dumped about four years ago.
I took a 24-hour Greyhound bus ride to go not be able to get up at NACA West.
Oh, I think I remember.
Yeah, and I had about $7 total,
and I'm just living off of some giant bag of cashews I stole or something.
Right.
And I'm just sick and miserable, and I just was fucking the worst I've ever felt in my life.
Yeah.
And I get on this Greyhound bus going back, and it's wintertime.
It's snowing outside.
I'm fucking freezing.
I have nothing going on in my life that's good.
Yeah.
And I get on this bus, and then wide open Greyhound.
Every seat is open.
There's like six people. Guess who sits right next to me?
Fucking Zack De La Rocha with a cardboard box with about seven different kinds of hammers.
So, no.
He sits next to me in the aisle seat.
And he starts like, as if he were a doting mother tending to his children.
He puts one hammer in the cup holder.
He puts one on the windowsill.
You're fucking with me.
He puts one in my lap.
He puts one in his lap. He holds one in his hand, and he's just sitting there waiting
There's also a large bottle there hammers like hammer fucking hammer
Mallets he's got some finishing hammers a little sledge you lead singer of rage against the machine just a dreadlock
So like you're doing with white dreadlocks and a multitude of hammers wait in what year is this this is?
2014 and he's taking theers. Wait, and what year is this? This is 2014.
And he's taking the bus?
He's taking the bus with all of his hammers. This is a millionaire.
And at one point I get up and I go shit in the bathroom.
And I come back and my phone charger is just covered, like the part that goes in the phone.
In hammers.
Full hammer coverage.
No, my phone charge was covered in this acrid, sticky, like weird chemical-smelling, sticky goo.
So now my phone is dead, and it's like six hours to the next stop,
and I have nothing to do but sit there and sweat next to Johnny Hammers.
So I get out.
I go walk like eight blocks through downtown Sacramento.
And the Greyhound, believe it or not, doesn't stop in the most awesome part of Sacramento.
No, it stops in Sacramento-ass Sacramento. Yeah, so I'm just like this little fucking white dork with an afro walking through downtown Sacramento at two in the morning, spending my last eight bucks on a phone charger so I can listen to the Joe DeRosa Spotify or something before I go to bed.
And yeah, then Hammer Guy got kicked off because they saw his bottle of booze
and he just ran away.
It was the booze, not the multitude
of hammers. No, I mean, I guess
those are within the Greyhound carry-on
policy because no one really
remarked on him. I was going to be the one to make a scene.
Hammer time, fine, but if you got a little
bit of liquor, that's the issue. Yeah,
man. Anyway. Oh, what the...
Wait, I just... just where dave as many
questions you have i have five more and no answers also can i tell you how long i went in that story
before i realized that it was a metaphor that you said zach de la rocha yeah and i wasn't gonna
correct i literally thought you know zach de la rocha you were i said he got on the bus i was
like losing my mind oh that's why you asked what year it was and Rocha. I said he got on the bus. I was like losing my mind.
Oh, that's why you asked what year it was.
And I was like, whoa.
Yeah, that's why I asked what year it was.
I was confused.
And then when you believed it, I was like, well, if Dave believes it, he's way smarter than me.
Here's the thing.
It is pretty crazy that Zach De La Rocha might do that shit with hammers and get on a bus.
But it's not completely not believable.
The hammer stuff makes it more believable.
It's right on the edge of those Richard Gere gerbil...
Wait, what?
When Richard Gere put a Nazi propagandist in his ass.
No, it's like...
Yeah, they pulled
a 95-year-old German man
out of Richard Gere's anus.
God damn it.
That's Captain America. Oh, damn it. What if that is the rumor?
That's Captain America.
I love that, dude.
Well, you know, that guy puts gerbils in his ass.
One boot is missing off him when he comes out, and then Richard Gere just farts out a jackboot.
Oh, man.
That was the best face typo I've ever made in my life.
Anyway, here's my joke.
Good luck following that, Connor.
A Chicago police officer who killed an unarmed teen in 2014 was sentenced to seven years in prison.
The judge ruled that the cop used a racial slur in excessive force, which means his special meter was all the way charged at the time of the attack.
That's the cop finishing move.
You can use your ultimate.
Press N.
No, it's a quarter circle N.
You're up.
I don't think a guest has ever done that,
and I'm so glad.
Did they just make a sit in our lack of...
Somebody just took a hammer to the momentum.
I just felt like Dave...
I just felt like I just saw Dave
weigh the amount of kind of fun he's having
to how detrimental this is going to his very, like, upward moving career.
Just kind of like, well, I do like these guys, but I mean, at a certain point, we've got a family to feed.
While that is a very nice compliment, Connor, it was more like I was like, would it be funny to me if it were quiet?
It was very funny to me.
Yeah.
That's one of my favorite things that's happened on this show.
Do you like how insecure just one beat of not riffing makes me just go,
well, Dave is clearly thinking that his friendship with me is detrimental to his life.
If it's quiet for nine seconds, Connor just unravels like a ball of yarn.
It's been almost 200 episodes.
That is the first moment of silence
we've ever had on Mean Boys.
It's never happened before.
I don't know.
I've listened to a couple of the episodes
that I wasn't here for.
Oh, bitch.
Fuck you guys.
Yeah, we suck.
Kidding, kidding, kidding.
We need you here.
You should try to kill yourself again.
Yeah.
I'm just trying to get that sweet, sweet phone, baby.
Honestly, I feel like it's not Tom.
I want that cracked iPhone 3.
Yeah, if Tom tries to kill himself again, he's going to get doctor-hugged with tentacles.
I can't believe you're in the hospital and they were like, we can use this brain.
Oh, yeah.
They paid me 50 bucks.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
So it's cool.
Oh, wow.
That'll help you
pay the medical that's how we bought mexico for like 600 bucks we raped everybody out of it
offering you 50 is so much more insulting than offering you nothing oh yeah they have you
nothing it's like well it's for science but 50 bucks is like yeah we can buy him off yeah his
brain with a fucking what's hilarious the only thing they were able to tell me is they're like
yeah for your diagnosis all of your hand-eye coordination and reflexes are off the chart.
I'm like, I don't – that's it?
That's all you're going to tell me this is for?
Is it you're surprised I can move?
That's not the issue.
I didn't not die because Butterfingers.
You're reading Tom Goss fan fiction to us.
Sometimes I genuinely do forget what Tom shit is real and what is shit we've riffed on it.
This is the great thing about knowing Tom.
I talk to him every day.
He's my best friend.
No one in the world makes me happier.
And then every three weeks, I hear a new unbelievable thing that I just didn't know.
He's like, oh, I never told you about when I was a Frisbee golf caddy and threw the big game for a million bucks and then got my feet broken by the mob.
And I'm like, no!
He's like, oh yeah, I did that.
I haven't had any mob run-ins.
I did flunk out of a golf class once, though.
If you said the words
golf college, I was going to throw you through the window.
It wasn't college. It was at a junior college.
Golf junior college.
How did you flunk out? Were you bad at it?
I was really bad at it. That's the most unambitious
Orange County burnout path available is junior golf college.
I thought I was going to be really good.
I swear to God, this is my logic.
I was like, oh, I'm good at hockey, and I saw Happy Gilmore.
This should be a great transition.
And I ended up hitting several people with the ball, and they asked me to drop the class.
Oh, man.
Wonderful.
That's unbelievable it's a class do you realize i can't believe you got asked to drop it like the class is supposed
to teach you to be good yeah you know you will not be good yeah i need people to understand that
i live a life where paul bunyan is in my kitchen. Do you understand? It's fucking incredible.
You have a lot of weird school stories.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Special lead drop out.
Dave is trying to bring the energy down, Tom.
Yeah, yeah.
Will you please indulge his ulti bit?
Look, man, I came up on the east side.
That's how we do it in Silver Lake. We piss people off until they laugh uncomfortably. Look, man, I came up on the east side.
That's how we do it in Silver Lake.
We piss people off until they laugh uncomfortably.
Prince Philip was in a car crash two days ago that injured two passengers in another car.
Authorities are unsure what the cause of, and at this point they are assuming he was driving drunk because he is only 97 years old.
That dude must rage.
Is that the dude who boned Diana?
No, that's Prince Charles.
Okay.
I mean, maybe he did, too.
I don't know how they get there.
How is he related to Diana?
He was behind the guy that T-boned Diana because, as we know, she was killed by the crown.
Indeed, and now we can say that.
For getting hogged down by a Muslim.
Now, that's an ironic thing to have a Muslim do to you because of the pork, but it did happen, and it was very controversial.
You thought up the phrase hogged down and really just went above and beyond to figure out a way to make it work.
Yeah, sometimes I just start talking, and it's like when Batman jumps off a building.
I'm like, I'll find the nodding somewhere.
I'll grapple my way through this one.
That's the most honest shit I've ever heard you say.
40 homosexual men were arrested in a Chechnyan gay purge.
This is not to be confused with the West Hollywood gay purge,
which is when you let a dude throat fuck you until you puke up brunch.
I thought the West Hollywood gay purge is when there was just no rules at the Abbey for one day.
Yeah, so every day.
Everyone knows the gay bars.
I did a Postmates from the Abbey once like four years
ago and I was just walking in and everyone
just sort of was looking at me and kind of like sizing
me up and I'm like, I'm just trying to get some cookies.
And I was like,
I feel like I'm intruding
on the gay spaces. It was kind of uncomfortable.
Yeah.
God damn it, phone.
A Texas woman gave birth to a
14-pound baby.
Vaginal ambassador Smirnoff says,
In Soviet Russia, that size baby
births you.
You piece of shit.
Vaginal ambassador. You piece of shit. Dude, John. Oh, fucking top.
Vaginal ambassador.
Your chopped liver now, Dice Clay.
Hello, Yakov.
Jokes.
Vaginal ambassador.
Oh, fuck, man.
How did you even write that?
That's crazy.
I'm a vaginal ambassador. I have a promo code I use on Instagram.
Oh, my God. Holy shit. I thought that was going to bomb. I'm very happy right now. What have a promo code I use on Instagram. Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
I thought that was going to bomb.
I'm very happy right now.
What do you think you've ever said?
Yeah, I love it, man.
Vaginal embassy.
Oh, yeah.
The butthole.
Oh, man.
You remember what happened at Poon Ghazi?
I know.
Poon Ghazi.
So many good episode titles.
I mean, Richard Gere Goebbels.
It's a vaginal ambassador.
I don't know why we're even entertaining the idea it's anything else.
All right, guys.
A petition for Alabama to end their combined Martin Luther King and Robert E. Lee holiday has over 14,000 signatures.
Lawmakers aren't happy about the campaign, with one state senator saying,
What's next?
Should we get rid of the annual feral dog ham baby picnic?
I like that they combine Robert E e lee and martin luther k i didn't i didn't even that
is isn't that the goofiest shit you ever heard in your life yeah the same day for him yeah that's
sitcom logic i'm like just because two people share a birthday right yeah they were like about
the opposite shit mostly pretty much yeah yeah you might say yeah i, I mean, Martin Luther King, I can think of one thing they might have agreed on.
Yeah.
King's more of a coffee guy.
White woman?
I said white women.
Yeah, that's funny.
Cheating on your wife?
Yeah.
Hair?
They both had hair?
Oh, no, never mind.
Martin Luther King was bald, wasn't he?
No, he had hair.
No, okay.
I was thinking of somebody else.
I was thinking of DMX.
I had a dream.
X gonna let you vote.
George W. Bush posted a photo of himself on Instagram delivering pizzas to his Secret Service detail because, according to Bush, he wanted to show that he appreciates them while they're working for no pay during the government shutdown.
But sources inside the Bush family home have reported that Bush has always paid his Secret Service agents in pizza.
It's interesting, one agent told us, because definitely get a paycheck And it's a lot of money
They pay us a shitload of money because we might die
Protecting that guy
But sure enough, every week, Mr. Bush hands me a pizza
And says, here's your paycheck
And he never laughs when he says that
I think he actually thinks pizza is money
Mr. Bush and Laura Bush have declined to comment
But Vice President Dick Cheney told the BBC
Oh, he definitely thinks pizza is money Mr. Bush and Laura Bush have declined to comment, but Vice President Dick Cheney told the BBC,
Oh, he definitely thinks pizza is money.
Donald Rumsfeld told Reuters yesterday that George W. Bush thinks pizza is money.
The Daily Mail asked current U.S. President Donald Trump for a comment, who told them,
Since when is pizza not money?
Since then, several smart Jewish people have pointed out that both George Bush and Donald Trump have been elected president by the American people.
So pizza is definitely money.
Smart Jewish people.
I'm so mad right now because once again.
No, you do not have that joke. No, I don't have that joke.
But once again, I have a worse pizza joke just like the banana follow up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yeah, well, we clearly have the same interests.
Yeah, bananas, pizza, presidents.
Don't worry.
I also have a significantly worse pizza joke I will now not be doing.
Oh, I'm going to do mine.
Oh, my God.
The TSA is in trouble due to the government shutdown.
Some are worried this may lead to another 9-11,
but thankfully the shutdown also affected the government agencies that planned to another 9-11, but thankfully the shutdown also affected
the government agencies that planned the first 9-11.
Nice, nice, nice.
That's nice, nice, 9-11.
Yeah, hell yeah, 9-11.
Is that power over there?
Because I'm speaking truth to something.
You know what's weird?
Get fucked.
Wow.
Hey, are those steel beams over there?
Because I'm not melting them with my jet fuel.
Does fucking Trump know that it's the government he shut down that protects the border right now?
Like, is he aware that what he's doing is bad for his bottom line, too?
Or does he just...
I mean, yeah.
We welcome now MSNBC's newest analyst, Tom Goss.
We welcome now vaginal news ambassador, Tom Goss.
Tom, is McConnell going to cave, or is he too worried about losing the Trump base in the 2019 election?
Okay, I'm going to go back to the president's office.
I got a pretty good joke about how the Nord used to work for W.
Do you want to hear it?
George W. Bush delivered pizza to the Secret Service.
It's great to see that now that his dad's dead, he's comfortable doing work he's
qualified for.
Damn, that's a good joke.
I'm serious. You can sell that to Bill Maher or something.
Oh, yeah. He doesn't know me.
Oh, really?
He did the show.
Oh, yeah.
Liberals.
The Republicans.
That's my one word Bill Maher impression.
Republicans.
Did he really do the show?
No.
Oh, okay.
I mean, you never know.
With that one, you know pretty calm.
That's true.
You pretty much do know.
I would love to meet him just for his reaction.
Oh, man.
I would love to see you meet him, too, and then realize in that moment you were thinking of Bill Nye.
So when are you
going to teach me
about Centripetal Force?
Yeah,
I guess you don't
like this Pelosi lady
but that doesn't
help me build
a volcano.
Where's the magic boss?
Yes.
Alright guys,
a 33 year old man
is facing sexual
assault charges
and in his defense
he claimed that
an 11 year old girl
got pregnant
from his clothes.
Now that sounds like bullshit but to be fair he was wearing Wilt Chamberlain
skin at the time in question.
That's not my thing.
Needs more pizza.
I should have done the one
about the guy shooting jizz into his back.
You always gotta do that one.
Always bet on jizz.
I am out. I'm done.
That's cool. Do I have any more?
Yeah, I got one more.
I think of that pizza joke as a special two-part episode.
Yeah.
I feel like we did put a lot of effort into that.
Yeah.
You hit a walk-off home run.
You could just sit silently or leave, and it would still be the best appearance we've
had on the show.
That was Star Trek Next Generation All Good Things.
You know?
Yeah.
Joe Andres, wife of actor Steve Buscemi, passed away this week.
She will be remembered for her contributions to the arts and her years of charity work
with Steve Buscemi's penis.
This is the last one, right?
What a trooper.
Yeah, you're ugly, guy with a dead wife.
We do a nice show here.
Oh, man.
Yeah, we got to...
At some point, we got to figure something out.
In general.
With her whole world view here.
Yeah.
I have no view. This is the last one yeah okay this one's the last one ever yeah you have no view i've been telling you to clean that kitchen
window for years yeah you said i have no view as a throwaway i love that so much i have no view
anyways uh lakers player michael beasley tried to enter the game wearing the wrong shorts
people noticed when mart Schwartz started yelling,
Hey, get me off this dude's waist.
For fuck's sake.
That was crazy.
He's wearing a guy's pants.
He's wearing a moderately respected Canadian actor of note.
Oh, man.
Wonderful.
All right.
And finally, a 27-year-old quadriplegic man has fulfilled his lifelong dream of starring in a porno film.
Producers were impressed with his performance, saying, look at the eggplant on that vegetable.
Ah, yes.
Yes.
We have a worldview, and it's that joke.
Look at that wheelchair fella's big old hog.
Yeah, baby.
All right, that was a Mexican joke.
What a time, everybody.
We'll be right back right after this.
Gillette's recent ad campaign, Standing Up to Toxic Masculinity, made headlines around the world.
The commercial was powerful, heart-wrenching, and showed the men of America that there is a way
to combat decades of toxic behavior
by buying Gillette razors.
We here at McDonald's realized we needed to step up.
It is the responsibility of corporations
to make bold, sweeping, generally agreeable social stands.
Corporations are people too,
so we must be the best publicly traded,
multinational people we can be.
After all,
if the corporations won't stand up for the little guy, then who will? Poor people? That's why McDonald's is proud to say that we do not support child molestation in any way, shape, or form.
We stand for many things here at McDonald's. Serving America the finest freshness-adjacent
ingredients. Play places that are 73% syringe-free, the God-given right of all American people
to life, liberty, and two free sauces with every order of Chicken McNuggets.
But when it comes to the sexual exploitation of children, we here at McDonald's say right
here, right now, we are taking a stand, and we are not loving it.
Many big companies talk a big game, but McDonald's is ready to walk the walk.
From now on, if you molest a child at McDonald's, you will be asked to leave. We are also officially discontinuing our practice of
handing out free Happy Meal toys to middle-aged men who say they need help, quote, keeping a
situation quiet. And as of today, all McDonald's franchises worldwide will no longer be offering
our controversial McFlurry flavor, Kid Wiener, because the only way we're okay with disappointing
children is with our terrible, perpetually broken ice cream machines. Many of our followers on Thank you. company that still pays its workers slave wages while contributing to the obesity crisis that is destroying the lives of millions of kids now is mcdonald's saying that anybody who criticizes this
ad is a child molester are we saying that the burger king himself flies to that island where
bill clinton and steven spielberg go to score some tiny strange are we saying that anybody who goes
to chick-fil-a is an active pedophile and that every chicken finger bought hurts the same as an
uncle finger inserted?
Of course not. That's for the public to decide.
So, you know, feel free to tweet that exactly at them.
You guys are cool, right?
So join McDonald's in taking a stand against child molestation,
a position we have held firmly and proudly since the long-ago days of last week.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, don't rape a kid.
The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Stitch Fix.
Stitch Fix, it's an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle.
Okay.
All right. If we were to pick one member of the Mean Boys podcast, who's got some particular difficulties in the area of body?
Less so, but sure.
Yeah.
Budget, certainly.
Lifestyle, red alert, disaster.
I mean, this is the perfect service for you, Tom.
Keith's right there.
I am a well-dressed man, and I require no assistance.
I wouldn't use Stitch Fix.
I was looking through, and they have some really nice shit.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, you can just have it fucking Postmates to your ass.
Yeah, just swag in a box.
And I think a lot of Mean Boys fans, it's like, you want to look like a guy.
You want to be a person.
But you don't give a shit about what colors go together.
And it's like, just let someone else do that so you can get back to living your life.
Yeah, these guys are great.
They literally figure out what's going to look good on you.
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Anything you don't like, you mail back.
You don't got to pay for it.
You know what it is?
It's fucking date night in a box.
They just send you a perfect date outfit, and then you're fucking good to go.
What's great about this service is that we know Tom gets most of his clothes from finding it in various garbages.
Right, right.
So because it's mailed to you, it's like, oh, I found it.
You didn't have to go to a store.
It was perfect for me because
I need clothes technically,
but I hate outside, so I don't
get them. But they just
ship it to me. I've spent eight months
trying to get Tom to go buy a t-shirt.
I bought the t-shirt I'm wearing. I bought it from a homeless
transvestite at the comedy store.
You're wearing it.
It was perfect for Tom.
And it's, you know, they have like a personal stylist guy that goes like,
oh, it's good for this fucking asshole.
I think my box is on the way.
Yeah, it's on the way.
We're getting, I can't wait to debut Runway Tom.
Yeah, we will be doing a full-on fashion show.
Yeah.
You know, and they pick it all up, they send it to you.
And there's, what I like is there's no subscriptions, so where you sign up for something and then you forget about it, and you're it all up, they send it to you, and what I like is there's no subscriptions,
so where you sign up for something and then you forget about it and you're like, oh, fuck.
If you want to just get one box and kick the tires and then maybe like, hey, let's do it
every month, like, every three months I want to spruce up the wardrobe.
Yeah.
Take it in at your pace, which is kind of nice.
You're going to want it every month, but try one.
Yeah, you can make it monthly, you can make it a one-time thing, you can make it every
three months.
Like, they have a lot of options and then you just select the kind of shit you like,
and then based off of that, they send you outfits,
which I think is a genius way to do it.
You've got a whole astrology BuzzFeed kind of quiz.
It's fun, and you're like, you know what?
I wouldn't wear that.
I'm better than you, North Face.
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Dot com.
Stitchfix.com.
Go to snatchfax.biz.
Enter promo code.
Stitchfix.com backslash meanboys.
Meanboys.
Back to the show.
Sha-na-na-na-na-na mean.
Mean.
Welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast.
We return with a middle segment I made this morning that might be one of the stupidest ideas I've ever had for a game.
I'm so excited.
This game is called Do or Don't.
And basically what this is is I'm going to read you the name of a thing, and you guys have to guess if it is a flavor of Mountain Dew or a Nazi band.
Wonderful.
And I was like, there's no way this will be that hard.
It's actually way harder than I thought it would be.
Oh, hell me.
I know.
I was embarrassed when I looked at the list of Nazi bands.
I'm like, I know more of these offhand than I should.
Oh, God, that sucks.
I mean, it's three, but it's still three too many.
I'm definitely going to know some of the Nazi bands.
Yeah, code Prussian Blue.
I had to cut Prussian Blue because we've joked about that weird-ass Nazi band.
Everybody knows Prussian Blue.
I know.
It's hack.
It's Nazi hack. I went deep cuts, I think. So blue. I know. It's hack. It's Nazi hack.
I went deep cuts, I think.
So I don't know.
We'll see.
Let's start here.
Take the gerbil out of your ass.
Dude, that's so funny.
It's so dope.
The guy thought he had gerbils in his ass.
And he was also wearing Martin shorts.
Oh, my God.
You've got to take your Martin shorts off if you want to put the gerbils in your ass.
What's the worst Nazi you could put up your butt?
He's got all those medals.
Is she going to be pokey up there?
Call the vagina ambassador.
All those medals that he earned.
You know, for bravery and stuff.
Anyway, Thunderbolt.
Is that a Nazi band or a brand of Mountain Dew?
Oh, man, this actually is pretty hard.
That's got to be a Nazi band.
Okay.
I think the Thunderbolt's the white Gatorade.
Oh, wait, no.
We're talking about Mountain Dew. Tom, I'm going to tell you this right now. The answer is the white Gatorade Oh wait no we're talking about Mountain Dew
Tom I'm going to tell you this right now
The answer is definitely not Gatorade
Also I gotta figure all Gatorade
Is the white Gatorade
We're pretty big fans of it
I think I've probably talked more about
How much I love Gatorade on this podcast
Than like my relationship with my father
Or like politics
You really do like all parts of the Buffalo
With Gatorade because
you drink the gatorade then you pee in the bottle like one time you drank the yeah yeah yeah so
and that was the worst part about the road trip with jessica is i couldn't piss in bottles so i
had to pull over why couldn't you piss in a bottle i just i what's she gonna do what are you gonna
break up with her again like no it seemed like it would have made her uncomfortable i didn't act
like nicole buchanan she was like connor i just want to get there on time, piss in a bottle.
I don't care.
I'm the kind of girl you can pee in a water bottle in front of.
I'm not like other girls.
When it's your whore ex-girlfriend, that kind of boy.
Are you not a bottle pisser?
I'm not.
I mean, I was kidding.
If it came to it, you could pee in front of me.
Dave was also 30 minutes late today, so maybe there was a connection.
That's true.
Maybe one of us takes our career a little more seriously.
I like that Dave stopped to pee three times on the 15-minute drive.
Well, that's why that wall fell down.
You pissed a wall down.
I pissed in a water bottle.
I thought it fell down because Tom, I don't know, remembered a sad memory from his childhood.
I've pissed in a water bottle on hilariously short trips, but I am going to say that Thunderbolt is a white power band.
All right, we got two white powers.
Do you guys ever overflow the bottle with pee?
Yes.
No, I got a pretty good pinch off.
It's happened, but rarely.
I always pinch off.
I think that's the part that makes me not want to do it.
Yeah?
I don't understand, like, actually, I'm very curious.
I've never understood what situation there is
where you need to pee in a bottle.
Like, how late can you possibly
be because it's one thing if it's it's in town that i actually understand more than on a road
trip yeah because on a road trip it's like a nine hour drive or whatever the fuck it is how could
you be that late road trip it's a matter of convenience okay in town i mean there's a lot
of shit where the driver doesn't want to stop or whatever i'm just i lose track of time i'm not a
great schedule so i'm like fuck i gotta be in santa monica in 330 i really i i don't want to stop or whatever. There's a lot of shit where I lose track of time. I'm not a great schedule, so I'm like, fuck, I got to be in Santa Monica in 3.30.
I don't want to get to the meeting
and the first thing I got to do is go piss.
I just want to piss and be ready to clean.
That makes way more sense.
I do not believe you
because you also just pee in bottles in your room.
I do sometimes.
I came in here one time
and Connor is just shoving with his foot
like it was a dead cat that he was murdering.
And I look over there.
It is a gallon jug of piss right where that water bottle is.
He's just shoving it in his closet.
Well, it looks like you just got uninvited for my jankum party, Tom.
I hope you're happy.
Why is there a giant bottle of piss?
And he goes, it's kind of cold in the bathroom.
I go, that's where I sleep.
You can just walk over there and pee. Hey, guys, we get it. I'm gross a bottle of piss. And he goes, it's kind of cold in the bathroom. I go, that's where I sleep. You can just walk over there and pee.
Hey, guys, we get it.
I'm gross, okay?
The answer to all of these questions is I'm a gross pig that doesn't care about society.
Do you see?
I love it.
I love it.
Tom, Thunderbolt.
Gatorade.
Or, sorry.
Yeah, we're here on the Raid or Don't game.
The only wrong answer for sure.
I'm going to go with Mountain Dew.
Paper or plastic?
Mexicans.
That's a Nazi band.
Yeah.
Number two, White Out.
Oh, that's Mountain Dew for sure.
Okay.
Double misdirect.
I still think it's a Gatorade, but yeah, I'm going to go with Dew.
All right, that is Mountain Dew.
In fairness, that is also the white power Mountain Dew flavor.
Yeah, they're like, it's a dog whistle Mountain Dew.
It's the Nazi Mountain Dew, totally.
We know what we're about.
Is it made to taste like actual whiteout?
Is it for like, you know, problem children that would eat paste and things like this?
Yeah, it's like now you can drink it and huff it because Mountain Dew is your life.
Next one, Alliance Blue.
Fuck.
Ooh, this,
I mean, Alliance
leads me to believe
that this could be
some sort of
World of Warcraft
tie-in Dew flavor.
Mountain Dew
is no stranger
to a Call of Duty collab.
You know,
it's like when
Bape and Adidas
get together,
but for fact,
Is that true?
Yeah.
They've done a
Call of Duty collab.
Oh, yeah.
Dave Ross,
so many.
Is that true? Yeah. There's a whole Call of Duty line. Oh, yeah. Dave Ross, so many. Is that true?
Yeah.
There's a whole Call of Duty line of Mountain Dews.
No fucking way.
Mountain Dews is everything.
There might be Monster in it, but I've definitely seen a lot of video game drinks.
There were Mountain Dews.
There was a Mountain Dew and a Doritos where you could buy them and they would give you XP in Call of Duty.
It was the fattest, saddest promotion ever.
This has to be a Mountain Dew, then.
They line up with fucking everything.
In sixth grade, we went on a camping trip to Yosemite for the school,
and the car I was with robbed the 7-Eleven of a Darth Dew poster.
I had no option, but the dad was very gung-ho about robbing their Darth.
The dad?
The dad.
The dad stole the Darth Dew.
Yes.
Yeah, the chaperone stole the Star Wars Mountain Dew item.
I like the idea that they got all the way to Yosemite,
then realized you were not supposed to be with them.
You were just some other kid from somewhere else
who had gotten in a van.
Yeah.
Your whole life is like Bad News Bears with trauma
instead of baseball.
These amazing stories about, yeah,
and then the person I was supposed to trust the most gave me the gun.
I'm going to say that that's a
Mountain Dew flavor. Alright, we're going Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew.
I'm like, Dew. You're going to do?
That is Mountain Dew. That is exactly a World of Warcraft
flavor.
Bonus point to Connor.
It's a three-pointer. Next one,
MDX. He's going to give it to Connor. It's a three-pointer. Next one, MDX.
He's going to give it to you.
MDX Jr.
MDX.
Kill all your sperm, then dude going to live it to you.
You don't kill all your sperm, then your girl won't live it for you.
MDX, DMX
Yellow 5, black 1000
Open up the door, it's me
Knock, knock, shut up mom
I'm trying to see
Yeah, shit
MDX, that feels to me like they're like
New Coke, you know
MDX, we're just KFC
Like a rebrand that kind of blew up in their face.
Okay.
But I don't know.
I mean, I'm going to guess Mountain Dew, but I'm very, very open to the idea of being wrong on this one.
I'm saying Nazi band.
Okay.
See, it's MDF or X.
Okay.
So that would be Mountain Dew X.
Man-Dew xenophobia.
Honestly, racist words that start with X. I think the MDX could stand for Mountain Dew X, and it wouldude xenophobia. I'm thinking of racist words that start with X.
I think the MDX could stand for Mountain Dew
X and it would still be a Nazi band.
Blood and soil
and code red. And I would
believe that DMX were in that band.
Have I ever told a story about
Ironclad on the podcast? Yeah.
Okay, well just real quick, Dave, you might enjoy this.
I hosted a battle of the bands in Corona when I was like two years into comedy.
And I had to do 15 minutes between all these local bands, you know, while they're setting
up and tearing down.
I had nine minutes of material.
Sure.
It was a fucking nightmare.
But yeah, I needed the $75.
I had to dress up like Han Solo because it was called Band Wars.
And it was really vaguely Star Wars.
God, it was fucking brutal.
What a nightmare.
But yeah, and it was all it was like a bringer show fucking brutal. What a nightmare. But yeah, and it was all,
it was like a bringer show for bands.
They were just performing for their friends
and when their friend's band was off,
they would leave and I knew people would truck in, you know.
So I'm on stage, it's the last band of the night.
It's a white power metal band called Ironclad
and they just are so over my pithy 20-year-old observations
about dating while you're trying to live with your parents,
you know.
So I'm on stage going like,
hey, have you guys noticed some Mexicans do this?
And then about 28 skinheads just start chanting,
ironclad, ironclad, and like banging shit.
And I'm just up there like, uh, uh, uh, and another thing.
Here's how you know you're bombing,
is if you look like you, a very Aryan-looking dude,
and you're still bombing in front of Nazis.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They should be trying to milk me for the future generations.
I'm trying to figure out if there's any real Nazi, like, my dead to Zion or something.
Like, I'm trying to figure out.
Honestly, not a bad guess.
Yeah.
Mega Death Zion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I feel like the odds are most likely Mountain Dew.
So I'm going to go Dew.
MDX is Mountain Dew. Nice. Damn going to go Dew. MDX is Mountain
Dew. Nice.
Do you know the backstory on that one?
A long time ago
in the field
we finally counted that
far into the alphabet.
One Dew for the mortal
man. Tell us another Mountain Dew
story, father. Tell me tales of the Dew,
papa. Father, what was Dew country like?
The fourth time I ever did the Dew.
Pan flute starts playing.
Picard is there.
Yeah, no, it's like some rebrand and like a more extreme can.
All right, I got two more.
More extreme cans.
What are we talking, Pamela Anderson in 96?
Nice, dude.
Hell yeah.
Dude, she got fucking nipples, bro.
We're talking Tommy Lee.
Hell yeah, dude.
He drove a boat with his dick, bro.
Yeah.
That was fucking great.
Sex.
If this rip goes for 30 more seconds, we'll become the show people assume a show called Mean Boys is.
Yeah, absolutely.
We've always been it.
Yeah, which of Pam Anderson's tits is better, the left one or the right one?
I'm going to say trick question.
It's her butt.
We're all about lack of a butt.
I was trying to interrupt you and do the same bit.
I was like, fuck you, Gabe.
Oh, man.
My shitty bit.
Mountain Dew or Nazi band?
Johnson City Gold.
Oh, Nazi band.
I feel like Mountain Dew doesn't tie.
Yeah, they're not going to make a Johnson City flavor.
Also, that could just be a comedian. I'd like Mountain Dew doesn't tie. Yeah, they're not going to make a Johnson City flavor. Also, that could just be a comedian.
I'd like to buy...
That would be Johnson City, the funny man goal.
I'd like to buy Pam Anderson the one where he took it to Johnson City goal.
I'll pay for the whole airfare.
Give it to Johnson City White.
Johnson City.
I watched Barb Wire in a Motel 6 in Johnson City I watched Barb Wire in a Motel 6
in Johnson City
and that my friend was some Johnson City gold
take me down to Johnson City
where I have daydreams about jiggling titties
won't you please
call me dad
Johnson City
between the exits of left thigh and right thigh.
You get down and stay a spell, whore.
Population.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I think the trick to this game is you just have to figure out the name.
Imagine Mountain Dew font.
Now, if it is more douchey than that font just saying Mountain Dew,
it is the actual soda.
This would look less douchey.
I'm going to say band. Oh, that's got to be a band. E-W-C-H. This would look less douchey. I'm going to say band.
Oh, that's got to be a band.
W-C-H-E-Y, douchey.
We got bands all the way across.
That is Mountain Dew.
What?
That is, they put out like a poll in cities who wanted to name a Mountain Dew after them,
and it was Johnson City, Tennessee, and they got like way the most votes.
Wow.
Yeah, there was like a whole run of them, and they're all just named after these like
tragic fucking gas station cities
because they're the most obsessed with Mountain Dew.
Whoa.
Toledo Platinum.
That's what they had their Bond and Dogville moments,
is to just get Mountain Dew named after them.
Tulare Select.
Tulare Select.
Tulare Select.
That's the only kind of cigarettes you smoke, actually.
It cost 98 cents.
Visalia Venom.
Oh, shit.
I mean, they've got it.
These little places I'm in are hockey teams.
Visalia Venom is the MMA gym that Tom is a hunchback at.
Actually, it's the Valencia Venom.
I'm not fucking with you.
No, you're not.
Are there any Central Valley cities that got one?
I'd have to look again.
I probably would have picked that one.
I feel like they need one.
I feel like it would be good for the community.
I feel like I saw Bakersfield floating around in there somewhere,
but I could be wrong.
I was on the road like some...
Bakersfield crew.
For some reason, I think I had one of those nights
where I had to drive overnight from one show
to get to the next town for whatever fucking reason.
Gotcha.
Probably just because I was...
Whatever town I was in made me feel afraid.
You know what I mean
Dave you posted a picture one time
It was the fucking Vietnam
Gun to the head picture but you're like
The view from my hotel and bar store
It was needles but yes
Oh my god
Needles
But yeah I remember I was on the road with Zach Peterson
And we were driving overnight and we were like However the fuck we were in Alabama and however the fuck Google Maps took us.
We were not on highways.
And so we were just like driving through backwoods areas and it was dark as shit the whole time.
And we were like needed snacks.
And we pulled over at this gas station that was just a tiny little hut and one pump.
And we're like, let's make this fucking quick, dude.
And so we get in. There's one. There's a this fucking quick dude and uh so we get in uh there's
one there's a dude behind the counter and then one other dude in there who's like man one of the
biggest people i've ever seen fat wise just like so huge wearing overalls oh my god the biggest
overalls i've ever seen that were that were made for an SUV cover that he added straps? Dude, that very specific way that people can look in the south.
You don't see that type.
Oh, yeah.
It's a whole subgenus.
Yeah, right.
And and, you know, like not to be a dick.
We have our own pieces of shit here.
Oh, yeah.
This is very specific.
I saw a guy taking a parrot for a stroller walk.
So, yeah, that's bad.
Yeah, absolutely.
But he's got a very specific
Huge overalls hiding a massive gut
Big beard camo everything
Camo teeth you know what I mean
Where are they
That's real good
Thank you
But he's looking and he's also just got this real mean look on his face
And he's fucking like staring at us And I'm like oh Jesus's looking, and he's also just got this real mean look on his face, and he's fucking, like, staring at us, and I'm like, oh, Jesus.
And I'm looking for water and something that resembles, you know,
snap peas or whatever fucking lame-ass California shit I eat on the road.
And then I'm, like, probably five feet from him,
and he is looking at an entire, like, cooler of all the Mountain Dew flavors,
and he's just staring at it after he's finished staring at me.
He's just looking, and it's quiet. And he's just staring at it. After he's finished staring at me, he's just looking.
And it's quiet.
And then I ignore him for one moment.
And out of nowhere, I hear him go, oh, what the fuck?
And I turn and look at him, very scared.
And he goes, Mountain Dew fucking lemonade.
And he throws the thing open, pulls it out, and stares at it. And he's like, you've got to be fucking kidding me, man.
And looks at me, grabs two of them,
runs to the counter, pays them, and leaves.
Wow.
And drives back to Johnson City.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
And that was the owner of Mountain Dew.
Oh, man, look at this.
That was Jeremiah Dew?
Yeah, that was Jeremiah, yeah, totally.
Yeah, Johnson City Gold was the best one.
That's it for this segment.
Oh, man, that was do or don't.
The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back with your questions, comments, and voicemails
in the Mean Boys mailbag right after this, everybody.
What's going on?
Marcus?
Marcus, is that you?
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
What the fuck is going on?
I don't know.
I'm strapped to a thing.
My head's in some sort of vice.
Yeah, mine too.
I've never been in anything like this before.
Me neither. I don't remember anything leading up to this.
I remember being at the bar with your girlfriend, who is also African American,
and I was talking about the women's studies class I was thinking about taking,
but then I realized it conflicted with my Frisbee golf league.
Oh, yeah, I remember that now. I think I blacked that out before we got drugged.
African American did out. No, that's not remember that now. I think I blacked that out before we got drugged. African-Americaned it out.
No, that's not what that means, Jim.
Oh, man, this situation is really checking my privilege.
I've never been in anything like this before.
I assume you've been in situations this bad before, considering your upbringing.
I grew up in West Hollywood, Jim.
We never had torture devices strapped to our head in the mean streets of WeHo.
Wow, I'm learning so much about your culture.
Can we just focus on getting the fuck
out of this trap so that we both don't die?
Marcus and Jim, you have both
lived lives of luxury. Well,
I didn't say that he said that. I didn't say
that about you. And now is the time to
see if life is worth living
with sacrifice. Marcus,
you claim no one is there for you
and you cut your wrists.
Now, if you wish for your friend to live, you must saw off your hand.
A trap is rigged, and if your arm is not out of that device in 50 seconds,
your friend's head will be crushed.
Let's see if you can be there for another.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Jim, it's okay. I got you.
Ugh!
Ow!
Fuck!
Ugh! Okay, I did it. I did it. I cut it off.
Jim, you are now safe.
But if you want to save your friend, you must also make a sacrifice.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Jim, you have 50 seconds. Say the N-word.
Well?
Yeah, I don't really feel comfortable saying that.
What?
Dude, I have one hand.
Just say it.
You have my permission to say it.
No, that would be racist.
I'm not a racist.
Oh, for God's sake, it's fine.
Look, just say it with an A at the end.
No, it has to be with the hard R.
Whatever. Dude, if you don't with the hard R. Whatever.
Dude, if you don't say it, I will die.
What do you not understand about this situation?
Hey, even Jigsaw won't say that word.
I'm not going to say that word.
This could be a trap.
It is a trap.
It's a trap that has my entire fucking head stuck in a vice.
Say the word.
No, I'm not comfortable with it.
Come on, just rap it out with me, buddy.
It's okay if you're rapping along to the song.
Now, I'm saying she's a gold digger.
Actually, the term gold digger is problematic, too,
and I have a hard time enjoying the music of Kanye West
now that he supports Donald Trump.
Man, fuck you and fuck Donald Trump.
Say the N-word, motherfucker.
I'm trying to be an ally.
You're going to kill me.
Marcus, I am not a racist.
Marcus? Marcus?
Marcus?
Well, at least I'm on the right side of history.
And now a clip from this week's Patreon bonus episode featuring Robbie Goodwin.
I know, Robbie wearing the same outfit as me.
Connor's pulling it off a lot better.
Also, it was hurting my feelings.
I was like, look at this douchebag.
Wait, that's exactly what I wear, a bomber jacket over a champion hoodie.
What the fuck?
It does look like if you picked Connor in a fighting game and then the second guy also picked him, it would just come up as Robbie.
Oh, yes, exactly.
I'm a Smash Bros. clone of Connor.
Yeah, you're the fucking light blue Pikachu.
Yeah, you're the green Kirby, my dude.
Mexican swap meet, copyright infringement free version. Hey, it's light blue Pikachu. Yeah, you're the green Kirby, my dude. Mexican swap meet copyright infringement free version.
Hey, it's me, Pikachu.
Pikachuy.
Hey, Thunderbolt.
Now Robbie's got to try to...
Your soil, zap zap.
He's flexing on us by doing his East Coast racist accents because he's part of the Gas Digital Podcast as well.
Yes, I came here to be very honorable.
Oh, no.
Mean Boys is canceled.
We're behind the paywall.
You can fucking turn L's into R's all you want over here.
Let's just say you were selling loose cigarettes outside a gas station.
What would you sound like?
Give us a ballpark.
Hello, sir.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, bitch.
Hello.
I'm very African-American.
Hello.
Yes, I'm one African-American. Hello. Yes.
I'm one of those white black guys.
This is not very real ass at all.
This is fake ass podcasting right here.
Fuck.
We're back in the trap.
We got the mentally ill mongoose.
We got the party-licious seagull.
Hackameco.
Yeah.
You are kind of like a seagull because you're fat, but you're also at the beach, but you're surprisingly spry, you know?
What a kind, hurtful thing.
I've seen you eat a lot of french fries off the ground.
That was like a neg.
I think Connor's trying to fuck you, dude.
Hey, man, I thought one of the white black guys.
It wasn't a neg.
I could have fucked Keith nine years ago.
I've only known him for six.
You know what I'm saying?
One of our first bonding
experiences was eating someone else's french fries together oh yeah we walked into a green
room and then uh you know i was just like uh so we're gonna steal these right and keith's like
a hundred percent yeah well i walked into the group of people there's just these buffalo fries
it felt like indiana jones like walking up to the idol or whatever and i'm like i can't be the guy
who eats them even though they're not mine and And then Connor walks in wordlessly and just takes it. Oh, yeah.
That's a great grip
because Connor does not
look like that guy.
And you, you know,
you're leaning into it.
You have any idea
how many times
Connor's a white friend
to talk to the police?
I'm the skinny guy
that steals the food
for the fat friend.
Yeah, exactly.
That's my role.
But I feel like if we got caught,
you would have thrown me
under the bus immediately.
I've never more excited
to do anything in life than throw you under the bus.
You know how many times you can blame you for so many farts?
Oh, yeah.
Could.
Yeah, I've seen him blame me for farts that I know he did.
I blame him for a fart, and it's just because I took my shoes off.
You blamed me for farts when we were the only two people in the car.
Yeah, and you believed it because you've got a lot of internalized fat shame.
Dude, you fucking Gaslit my asshole
Yes I did
I wrote a gaslighting
But this is ridiculous
Hell yeah dude
We're rolling
The Mean Boys Podcast
Is brought to you by
Himalaya
Now Himalaya
Is a brand new
Podcasting app
And I gotta tell you
I've been using it
To listen to all my
Podcasts throughout the week
And I love it
It's fucking great
It's very easy to use
It has a nice clean UI
You know it's Just you know It just a very workable you pick it up and you
right no right where everything is immediately yeah i mean of all the ways you can put podcasts
in your ears i think this is like one of the easiest ones around guess who god damn it it's me
mr ear here to represent himalaya i need everyone to understand how sad I was when I realized we had another auditory-based sponsor,
and I couldn't kill Mr. Ear again.
A new podcasting app that you can listen to with your ears.
Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you.
We planned this whole let's surprise everyone with Mr. Ear bit out,
and I'm actually getting real life annoyed now.
So this has turned from let's get
fun comedy piss to i want to fucking hit you because mr ear doesn't believe in hitting but
he does believe in using great podcasting apps like himalaya just himalaya just like the country
yeah just just the one that's sponsoring the show. Head over to the App Store and download a Risk Territory.
Why don't you?
Hi, guys.
Himalaya is a very cool app.
Just go.
There's a link for it in the show notes.
Just browse around.
And like I said, you can get complacent with shit in your life and just get used to something.
And it's literally 45 seconds away from maybe you've just got a better fucking alternative.
And that's 10% easier and however much adds up to your day.
I hear they have a tip jar.
I'd like to hear the sound of you
hitting the bottom of a well.
I also hear that they have playlists.
Playlists.
Playlists.
That's a feature they're rolling out very soon
where you can make playlists of your different podcasts.
Wow.
You know, listen,
all your other favorite David Ross podcasts.
David Ross?
David Ross is my father.
Call me Vagina Ambass.
My dad called me Dave Ross, but I call him
Fat.
Yeah. Holy fuck.
Yeah, you can make playlists.
I'm realizing I can't do a good day.
We've got a similar voice. I should be good at it.
You can make playlists of all your favorite shows.
They do have a tip jar if you want to give your favorite creators some stuff.
Maybe go over there.
Give us a follow if you want to drop Dave a dollar in the tip jar,
something like that.
Yeah, go shake some stripper money at them.
Yeah, strippers.
You don't hear them.
You see them.
But I hear on Himalaya.
Also, this isn't like some new app that doesn't have like podcasts,
like any ones you listen to on it.
It's like they have everything's just on it.
Like if you're looking for some whatever your friend's fucking podcast, it's on Himalaya.
They already got it.
Here's the thing about this powerful app.
They got through enough good ones that they were like, I guess we'll let Mean Boys over
too.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
There goes the neighborhood.
What's up, Rogan?
So, yeah, it's cool shit. Playlist, tip jar, jeez. There goes the neighborhood. What's up, Rogan? So, yeah, it's cool shit.
Playlist, tip jar, easy UI.
Just go give it a shot.
Wonderful interface.
Follow me, boys.
Download Himalaya.
And please tweet Tom to do something bad to his body because of what he's done.
You know what's great about interfaces?
What?
Faces have ears.
That's barely true.
Whoa.
That was next level.
Mr. Ear here telling you to subscribe to Himalaya.
Up, up, and away.
We're not fucking doing the end of it.
No more.
Bye.
Quong.
The Mean Boys podcast returns.
It's time for your questions, comments, and voicemails. All that and more in the Mean Boys podcast returns And it's time for your questions, comments and voicemails
All that and more in the Mean Boys Mailbag
That was our jingle
Henry Davis writes
Any banana famas lately?
That joke really has taken on a life of its own
within the B-Boys community.
Oh, yeah?
It's become a benchmark moment.
It was in our best of show.
It's the only joke a guest has ever done
when we're like,
we might have to make merch of that joke.
Yeah, we might have to cut Dave into something here
and figure it out.
Yeah, you're like a 10% of a...
This is touching my heart.
Yeah, banana fam and baby onesie.
Cass Smiley asks,
which band does Dave wish would commit suicide the most?
Oh, my God.
I don't fucking know.
Johnson City Gold.
If they were a Nazi band, I want them to be like the Nazi version of the Bay City Rollers.
They're just kind of like 70s.
They sound like Kiss.
Yeah, exactly.
Sean and No bussing into my district.
Gimme, gimme, gimme white power.
Oh, yeah.
Sound guy, you got that drop
for future morning shows?
Can we use this to blackmail Dave?
I don't know. Yeah, I mean, in earnest,
I guess all Nazi bands
would probably be my answer to that.
We don't really want anyone to commit suicide.
No, that's the thing. I don't really want that.
Yeah, that's true. I don't really want that yeah that's true you know but i don't think anybody took it i don't i guarantee you dave girl
is not going to listen and be like did they say i should kill myself what i'm saying is the
foo fighters is the correct answer i think it's incubus the band that like i really there are
some bands i get behind even ironically and then also like man the older i get the more i'm finding
that i actually like shit i thought I hated oh yeah like I love this
is true I fucking love
Limp Bizkit dude so do I dude I love
Limp Bizkit it turns out the reason
I hated Limp Bizkit was because of what they represented
and what their fans were yeah and now
that I that doesn't matter to me I'm like oh
I really like to listen to this
yeah and I always did what did they
represent well I mean
come on oh Oh, yeah.
Name a band
that isn't a douchebag.
No, but like
a certain strain.
I've been a sublime fan
since forever,
so I totally get it.
I'm like,
I don't hate you.
I just hate everyone
who likes you.
You're talking to the guy
who has a detailed opinion
on the new Smash Mouth albums.
I mean,
it's like,
at a certain point,
who cares?
Have fun,
live a life.
Yeah,
like what you like.
We're all going to die one day.
The tough dudes
in my high school loved Limp Bizkit and, you know, they a life. Yeah, like what you like, we're all going to die one day. The tough dudes in my high school loved Limp Bizkit, and they played into it.
They like fucking backwards red hat big dude who lifts and talks about women like they're garbage.
And all these dudes in my high school were garbage, and they felt validated.
That's why I hated it.
You know what's weird?
It's so funny, and I've talked to Keith about this, but, like, that brand of person, they never really fucked with me.
They never really acknowledged me.
The people who were actively mean to me were the people who listened to the punk bands, the Green Days, the fucking all the shit.
My people.
Yeah, your people were so fucking horrible to me.
It's a bad coalition, you know?
Yeah.
Those people aren't kids fucking suck, too, man.
Yeah.
The older I get, the more those are my least favorite people.
Yeah, they suck in a more insidious way i just remembered something that one of those guys said to me the
douchiest thing i've ever heard in my life this guy literally like i had a woodshop class with
him we used to cut candy bars in half in the band so this is like tells you how fucking dumb they
are and why not they're not worth respecting he goes uh you know pulp fiction man joint hit that's
not even a movie dude that's That's a film. Wow.
Jesus Christ.
And then he just farted out of his eyes and grew a beret.
Yeah.
That's a he thought he thought that.
Yeah. That's crazy.
Very good way to put it.
All right, guys.
Ethan D. Lawrence, our friend from across the pond, writes,
Would you rather have the power of super fast flight but only three feet off the ground
or for 13% of your body to be bulletproof and you get dealer's choice on where your body that is.
So you could say your heart or your stomach or whatever.
Wow.
It's kind of interesting.
I go with the super fast flight.
Yeah, same.
Because really, you're only three feet off the ground, whatever.
That's really just running fast.
Yeah.
That's still pretty cool.
But I would still probably be peeing in water bottles if I could fly like that.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm still late.
I factored that into the lateness, and I probably just like doing this for some reason.
Yeah, I've got to be there in six nanoseconds i only got four like yeah you gotta get to mean boys
i like that we have superpowers but we still live here and do this bullshit yeah yeah that that's a
tough one because the 13 very helpful i guess but i think i would only need to protect the heart
because like i there's no point protecting my brain at this point.
For more experiments, Tom.
Well, it's already bulletproof.
When they tried to experiment, they like poked it with a metal stick and the stick bent.
Well, here's the thing. Super fast flight
though is like being 100%
bulletproof. Yeah, well, it's fly faster
than bullets. Yeah, but like do you guys drink?
You might get drunk and then just start running into
shit, you know? Absolutely. just start running into shit. Absolutely.
This does not seem bad.
You hear about Tom got an FUI?
Oh, you know what I'm doing?
I'm doing bulletproof and I'm bulletproofing my genitals.
What are you going to do with the other 12.5%?
Come on.
Nice, dude.
Yes.
Wow.
Tom, I hate to tell you, but you just got...
High five me, you fucking piece of shit.
It was good.
Oh, God.
You're the vagina ambassador now.
Man, that's that Johnson City goal.
Other 12 and a half percent?
That joke had everything.
Numbers, tiny dicks, all my favorites.
Protect my butthole.
Bulletproof butthole.
Who's trying to shoot you in the butthole?
It's not about who's going to shoot me.
It's not about who's going to shoot me. It's not about who's going to shoot me.
It's about being able to say, hey, my ass is perfect.
You want to see?
Take a shot.
And then they got to be like, oh, fuck, metal ass.
You do this.
Somebody tries to shoot you in the asshole.
Misses.
Hits your spine.
You are now paralyzed with a bullet per penis.
Tom is spending his 13% and just really, okay, so I got my butthole,
I got my right nut, because that's the one that makes
the boy sperms. I got my nose,
the left earlobe, and then the
back of my neck, because I just don't like to be touched
there. I'm just saying. I also love the idea
that the thing
you think makes an asshole perfect
is that it's bulletproof.
I'm just saying.
Oh, man. Like you've ever seen a girl's ass?
I'm like, look how fucking resilient it is.
Oh, my God.
I don't eat ass because it's unsafe.
If you're in an argument.
Unsafe at any speed.
No, if you're in an argument.
If you're in an argument and you're like,
oh, that's tough, you went to Afghanistan or whatever,
shoot me in the butthole and then watch them lose their money.
You will become the most powerful person in that bar.
You're just trying to become a bar bet millionaire
where you're just tricking up right next to me
and just shooting you in the asshole.
Also, I could make so much money off being in Jackass,
Jackass 97, whatever fucking number they're on.
The number would be four.
You would make a moderate amount of money doing that.
It's funny because all of this would be true if you could fly really fast and you wouldn't be a total dumbass.
The jackass guys all have cameo accounts.
They're not doing well.
They're selling their skateboard collections to pay for their child support.
I could be a part of jackass and also have a bulletproof butthole.
It's not just one or the other.
That would be everyone. It's not just one or the other. It would be funny.
Everyone's favorite person.
We're all average.
Someone shoot him in the butthole. Get a crossbow with this bitch.
Bend him over.
Spread his cheeks.
We got to be sure.
Tom, just go and turn that barstool upside down.
I want to show you something.
You think she got an ass.
You can throw a grenade in mine.
Nothing will happen.
It's vulnerable if not grenade proof.
Dude, the butthole will be fine. The cheeks if that grenade proves. Dude, the butt will be fine.
The cheeks will have a problem.
Meanwhile, we're all over here like, we can fly.
I'll go quickly to places I need to be.
You're like, shut up, nerd.
Put a rocket in me.
What a bunch of rubes we are.
You got to think of your butt.
All right, guys.
We got some fun voicemail. This one, I like that the people in England don't want to pay roaming charges, so they
just send us a voicemail from their iPhone.
That's great.
So this guy writes this.
Oi, oi, mean boys.
I figured I'd send this in case your American listeners actually start assuming we, parenthetically
the British, sound anything like you.
Oh, and I know people always tell you how much you help them through all the really
tough times in their lives, so I just want to let you know that you guys really helped
me get through working a stable job in a tech company.
My life is great, but you guys make it
just a little bit nicer.
Oh, and I'd appreciate
if you read this whole thing
in a Cockney accent.
Ta very much.
Oh, sorry.
Cheers, Clarence.
Oh, I figured out
I'd send this
in case you American listeners
Hard pass, hard pass.
Stop it at once.
Shoot him in the butt.
Shoot him anywhere
but the butt.
Let's hear his voicemail here.
I'm excited.
All right, I'm pulling it up.
Oi! Please, um, I don't mean, please, um, I don't like this, apparently. a voicemail here i'm excited all right i'm pulling it up uh oh boys um apparently apparently
mate um yeah listen to your episode about well shitty accent towards the end um what is he yeah
always fun but tom you don't you're not the only one who sounds like a stereotypical American.
You've got Connor, who sounds like a proper surfer dude, bro.
Like a totally radical man.
Thanks, dude.
Well, actually, Keith sounds kind of cool.
Ooh, hey.
All right.
What is it?
This gay guy sounds cool.
Yeah, when you guys are going to come to London, it'll be awesome.
We'd love to, but not for us. Hit me up, and I'll show you around. We will, though. Get you hammered. It'll be great. Well, I to, but... Hit me up and I'll show you around.
We will, though.
Get you hammered.
It'll be great.
Well, I already got hammered in the bus.
Keith, what happened to the Karnak screenplay?
Because it was really, really good.
I would definitely stream that online for free.
I also wrote a fucking half of it.
Well, as the sole writer of Cardock the Blood Feast.
I'd love to watch it.
So if you get on making that, that would be great.
Yeah, get on getting a television animated show greenlit.
Pause this for a second.
I do love how people think television works.
They're like, why didn't you just make that show?
He's wrote it and it was funny, so why is it not just what comedy central is now?
Everything that is funny gets made.
Yeah.
We,
uh,
we,
we've had devious internal meetings.
Me and Connor,
we have plans to maybe try and do something with this.
We didn't forget about it,
but it's again,
we're trying to,
we're trying to accumulate the requisite juice.
There's,
there's a lot of secret,
uh,
secret plans being hatched and fucking shit brewing and,
uh,
in mean boys,
mean boys writing stuff world.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So if you get on making that,
that would be great. I want to hear the fuck everything God has done.
I know all your fans would appreciate it.
So yeah, fuck everything God has done.
I love it.
It's so gentle.
I know.
It's so cool that people say that
and that guy's fucking 2,000 miles away.
It still blows my mind.
I also love that they think
I sound like a stereotypical American
because in America, they don't
know what the fuck I'm talking like.
You sound like you're from Jersey.
I have, so my godparents
are from Brooklyn. Okay. And then my mom's
from Chicago. Yeah, and my dad
was a media that hit my mom.
I've had 12 concussions.
If you've
had more than five concussions, you definitely
sound like you're from Jersey.
Where did you grow up?
Here?
All around the Southwest.
Riverside, Orange County, Las Vegas, Visalia, Tulare, Fresno.
Area 53.
San Diego.
Everywhere shitty enough for us to headline is where Tom lived.
Yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much.
How many times have you lived in the Central Valley?
Tom has lived
everywhere where if you were on TruTV,
you can make $150.
Alright, we got another voicemail
here. Let's see what this
gentleman has to say.
Hi, it's
Rene. I live in New York.
I do a lot of
shitty delivery.
Are you sure you didn't give this guy your phone?
Before you started making big bucks on patreon
and uh, I don't know just want to let you know
You know when i'm out here fucking doing these shitty ass fucking drives all day long
You guys fucking keep me company. I'm a
I'm a veteran. We got a
little touch of the ptsds
uh, and uh I'm a veteran. Got a little touch of the PTSDs.
And I live in a very small little bubble in my head, you know,
what I find funny.
And you guys fucking crack me the fuck up all day, every day.
I just want to say thanks for doing what you guys are doing.
Keep it up.
Thanks.
That was the shit.
Yeah.
That was the greatest voicemail of all time That was really beautiful
And I also
I want you to know that I'm 100% writing the podcast off as charity work on my taxes
Because of this
I'm like oh hey Uncle Sam
I've done more for them than you have in a long time
I know
It's got a chap in it
Like well my friends died but they died protecting freedom
And then we're like what if farts were boners
Now if your ass could be a butler, what would you name it?
I'll start Peeves because of poop and Jeeves.
I think it's good.
No, thank you, man.
And I met you at Skank Fest.
I met you a couple times.
Every time I'm at New York, you're a super cool dude.
I don't know.
I think you did.
But, yeah, we'll see you next time we're out in New York, man.
Yeah, that means a lot, dude.
And, yeah, have fun selling those drugs to other people with PTSD
and just keeping the cycle continuing because that's how we build a new listenership, honestly. Yeah. Have fun selling those drugs to other people with PTSD and just keeping the cycle continuing
because that's how we build a new listenership.
Yeah.
Honestly.
No one get better.
Yeah.
If you guys get better, real bad for our bottom line.
I'm kidding.
I love you very much.
Yeah.
That voice meant a lot, actually.
Yeah.
That was fucking beautiful.
So I found myself on a plane.
And the pilot was an Australian.
And I found out that I am immediately cautious and disturbed by the fact that my pilot was an Australian.
All right.
See you, faggot.
Good luck making fun of me and then a pretty abrupt
tone shift
I love that we followed the PTSD
one with hey you guys are fags
I have an Australian pilot later nerds
alright well I look
you sound too dirty so I don't think you're gay
so I'm gonna have to say go fuck yourself
yeah dude
Jesus I think we are
I mean yeah I'm not gonna get on my soapbox
for too long but we're done throwing that fucking word around right yeah australians
no i hate australians especially gay ones yeah
well yeah they have sex with the left side of the butt down there it's crazy
oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. Bulletproof.
Bulletproof.
See, this is... All your gay sex
spins counterclockwise.
This does worry me
that I feel like
there's a large group
of people that are like,
oh, that's the podcast
that's just all about
white-on-white racism
and casual gay bashing.
I know, dude.
So, yeah,
eat shit,
stop listening.
Yeah.
He might be...
He might just be...
A lot of times people just don't really.
I haven't called in a while.
What soup would be the best lube?
Thanks.
You see, that's what we're looking for.
What soup would be the best lube?
Bullets.
Tomato bisque seems pretty good.
Oh, yeah, because it's all thick.
Yeah.
But then again, broth, I guess, seems kind of oily.
I feel like you don't want a chowder.
Yeah.
I like a chowder.
Because tomato, you're eating it.
What about the chunks? Is it like a chunkless chowder? Well, can you take the chunks out? Yeah., a chowder. I like a chowder. What about the chunks?
Is it like a chunkless chowder?
You take the chunks out.
Yeah.
You strain it.
I'm just asking.
No need to jump down my throat.
You take the chunks out.
Yeah.
Fucking idiot.
All right.
You know what?
Why don't you take a flight with an Australian, Dave?
I'll tell you that.
To the moon!
Bam!
Pow!
No, yeah, I think a chowder.
It's got to a chowder.
Chowder.
Yeah, because a tomato, you don't want citric acid by your pee hole.
That seems like it's going to be bad.
I like how you developed a Boston accent.
You don't want citric acid in your freaking pee hole over there.
What are you doing?
You're going to iodize your ball sack doing that.
Oh, hey, hey, oh.
I think you got to go with like an udon because that's the most noticeable soup.
Just like there's noodles everywhere.
You get that Slytherin and shit.
So your choice of lube is noodles.
Noodles.
Wow.
It's the Gatorade of answers.
He's wrapping them around spiral style trying to make like a noodle condom. And he's like, if I nod it at the end, it'll be like a wicker basket.
You crocheted yourself a fuck spaghetti.
While you're fucking from behind, you just smack that ass with a nude on, and then that
creates this whole-
Some sort of pasta-based BDSM.
Yeah, yeah.
Bondage domination spaghetti meatballs.
Just, yeah, just, ooh, noodle, snap, you know?
Man, I'm so glad I'll never fuck you.
What sort of Taiwanese little B-song are you describing?
If I got to choose a soup, you might.
Dude, why go half percent?
Wait, what are you talking about?
Half percent?
What does your bulletproof ratio have to do with this?
I'm just trying to think of what would lube you up.
No, fuck that.
That's all.
Fuck that.
Fuck that with a rubber dick.
If I got to fuck with soup,
I'm going to make it as soupy and as weird as possible.
I'm not going to just...
Ooh, chowder would be nice.
Oh, man, I am now also glad I'll never fuck you.
Someone's going to gag me with Menudo,
and then we're going to do it doggy style.
I want...
That someone is you when you're high, and you have $9 at one in the morning.
Man, well, that flew off the rails.
Yeah, don't half-ass that soup, fucking.
You got to go all out with the chowder.
I think we're...
Do we have any more?
Yeah, we got one more.
Should we do another one?
Should we call it?
Let's wrap it up.
We'll save the next one for next time.
All right, yeah. Well, I think that's about the whole show. Dave, thanks for coming back. Dude, I love one more. Should we do another one? Should we call it? Let's wrap it up. We'll save the next one for next time. All right, yeah.
Well, I think that's just about the whole show.
Dave, thanks for coming back.
Dude, I love you guys.
Thanks for having me, man.
You're recording your album at The Echo in L.A.
Yes, February 12th.
You got to go to that.
Dave's one of the most fucking funniest comedians working right now.
It's a treat to watch him.
Go be a part of history.
Yeah, absolutely.
I want to go to that.
Fuck yeah.
I'll see you guys there.
Yeah, man.
I can't think of any other album recordings going on.
Yeah, if you're still listening, be a part of Shitty or History and come to my album recording January 27th at the Chatterbox in West Covina.
Dude, January 27th?
I didn't know that.
Yeah, next Sunday.
Fuck, man.
I'm not going to be here.
But I would love to be there.
I will rebook the show.
Dave, don't awkwardly get compelled to show up and then be like, don't worry.
I got a special surprise.
I've been working with the tech team. We're, don't worry. I got a special surprise. I've been working with the tech team.
We're Skyping you in.
I got a whole crew.
It was pretty expensive, but I thought you should be there.
We're going to use that hologram Tupac technology to broadcast you ordering a vodka and not paying attention.
And hey, guys, everybody's doing stuff.
I got some exciting Reno-related announcements I'll be making in the coming weeks.
Tom, you got anything to plug?
Oh, and of course you got to listen to Suicide Buddies with Dave and Hampton over on Labelmates with us over here on Starburns Audio.
Over in the cool kids table.
Give us a spin.
Yeah, just fucking sneaking cigs, you know, drawing Volcom stones on all of our sneakers.
It's going to fucking rock.
Oh, I know what I want to fucking announce.
March, wait, which month is three?
March, right?
March is three.
I was mixed up March and May.
March is three, May is five.
I actually think that's got to be the whole announcement.
I now know which month is three.
That is my proclamation.
March 14th through 17th, I will be at the Yukon Comedy Festival in Yukon, Canada.
You couldn't remember which month was three, and you were expected to do international travel unaccompanied.
Yep.
I will be going to Canada for the Yukon Comedy Festival.
There's a lot of really other great comedians out there.
I'm really excited to do it. Oh, my God. There's a lot of really other great comedians out there really excited to do it.
Oh my god.
It's the three.
It's the three.
In March.
Not May. March.
Not April.
March is fuck.
It's going to be cold.
It's going to be hot. It's going to be hot.
March 14th through 17th.
Come on.
I love it so much, dude.
Yeah, I'm going through the Yukon on which one is three?
Yeah, on Smebuary 46th.
I'm crying.
I'm fucking crying.
Holy shit.
Does Halloween happen once a year?
But I am genuinely excited for that.
No, it's going to be a blast.
I got to get a passport.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess they drink a toe out there or something. And I'm excited for that. No, it's going to be blessed. I got to get a passport. Yeah. Yeah, I guess they drink a toe out there or something.
And I'm excited about that.
They have a drink with like an old frozen toe, like a human toe.
And you like pay to drink it, but you have to like make sure the toe touches your mouth.
Oh.
It's weird.
It's like one of those things you do to say you did it.
Yeah.
Wow.
And then when do you get the teddy bear?
There's some sort of reward.
And I also think they have discount because Yukon is, there's a lot of other canadian listeners if any of you are interested
i think they have discount flights or something like that but i don't really know about that
yeah yeah i mean you had enough trouble with the month yeah not to mention the expedia if you live
with the driving distance i'd love to meet the canadian yeah go out and see tom tom's in rare
form he's been where yeah yukon it's it's, I think it's like the North Dakota of Canada, where just like there's nothing
there.
Yeah.
But it's north.
It's like, I guess it's going to be like, it's going to be like fucking very snowy and
cold.
Okay.
Yeah.
I almost got real condescending.
I was like, well, you know, north, that's how Canada works.
There's no Canada that's also by Mexico.
There's no north of Canada. There's, you know. Yeah, yeah. It just keeps going. Ah, yes. Santa's house Canada works. There's no Canada that's also by Mexico. There's no North of Canada.
It just keeps going.
Ah, yes.
Santa's house.
That's the five month I'll be doing a festival.
I'm doing a corporate for the elves.
I'm doing elf con.
Which one is up?
I'm in month number three, the 14th day, I'm going to upland.
Excuse me, navigator, can you send me to the top of the planet?
Was that my worst plug?
No.
Was it the most memorable?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, that's the show.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you, Dave.
Thank you.
Thanks for having me, guys.
Fucking a favorite, man.
I'm glad you came back.
Thanks, dude.
Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is dead. God is'm glad you came back. Thanks, dude. Fuck everything.
God is dead.