Mean Boys - EP 179 - Thick Terminator (feat. John Dimaggio)

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Check out John's documentary "I Know That Voice": amzn.to/2DHkokK Bryce's GoFundMe: www.facebook.com/donate/240097606…240665013522439/ Get a Meanie: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Sign up for Stitch Fix at stitchfix.com/meanboys and get 25% off your first box! Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest John DiMaggio on Twitter: twitter.comTheJohnDiMaggio Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Mean Boys podcast with John DiMaggio for some reason. Why? Yeah. Mind-blowing, dude. That was fucking great. We're in the trap with the one and only, the God. We're lucky enough to work with him on the forthcoming Historical Roasts Netflix series, and he was such a fucking mensch that he came and did the podcast.

Such a cool dude. We actually went to the Starburn Studios for the first time ever to record this one. Yeah, we did. Overwhelmingly nice. I loved it. The problem is we lost 20 minutes. Look how dumb our house is, Riz. Yeah.

Funny Quaker. What a tragedy. But yeah, it was fucking awesome. John was great. You can hear all about what he's got going on. He's talking about Twitter controversy and MAGA trolls and racist pizza. Everything is covered.

This is a strap in everybody. Yeah. And another big exciting announcement. The tour dates are locked. Oh, we're coming to see you guys. I'm fucking stoked. I've been itching to get back out there and press the flesh. Yeah. All of you.

Beautiful, beautiful pig children. Here's where we're going, guys. And these tickets are all live up on meanboyspodcast.com. The link in the show notes. They're on our Twitter or on the website. Everywhere you find them, they're there. Please gobble them up. They're $10. There's no

item minimums. It's a punk rock evening of comedy and podcasting sometimes. It's going to be awesome. March 28th, we're going to Houston. We'll be at the Secret Group. March march 28th we're going to houston we'll be at the secret group march 29th we're going to austin oh we'll be at the veil texas we're doing two texas march 30th three texas we're gonna be in motherfucking plano texas oh motherfucker is right which is triple the texas which is near dallas and please shut up and just drive there. Because I emailed every person in Dallas, and none of them wanted anything to do with

this gay show. A lot of you in Dallas were like, we like being boys. Every building in Dallas hates us. Yeah. So we're in Plano. Sorry, but please understand. I promise we're driving further than you are. That's a very good point.

We'll be at the DV8 Theater. March 31st, Kansas City. Holy shit. Not Texas. The Bale of the Bottoms. April 1st, St. Louis. The Heavy Anchor. Not an April Fool's.

A place named after Keith's body. Sorry. March, no, April 5th. April 5th. April, yeah, April 1st, St. Louis, the Heavy Anchor. April 5th, Mash, Mashville. Mash, Mash St. Louis, the heavy anchor. April 5th, Mashville. Mashville.

Come get mashed. Mashville, Tuna Sioux. Yeah, Mashville, sure. We've got to do a Mean Boys Mosh Pit there. Yeah, sure. Mean Boys Mosh Pit in Mashville. We'll be in Nashville at the Springwater Supper Club. Yeah, dude.

Supper, Springwater, what more do you like? And then Sunday, April 7th orlando florida at the geek easy in the back of a comic shop which is what it's called uh that's a matinee show uh because it's wrestlemania that night which we should have honestly is could not be a bigger competition to our audience there's never been a more mean boy sentence then we got to do the show in florida early wrestlemania starts at four yeah so here's the deal that's that's a 230 show it's going to be rocking we know there's a lot of you guys out in orlando and in the other outlying regions of florida we couldn't hit anywhere else in florida so this is a this is closing we're going to be for a while if you're in tampa don't hold out for a

tampa show come to orlando it's a 230 you can be you can be in bed by seven you know we really and also getting stabbed in tampa before the sun goes and if you're a big wrestlemania fan they're having a huge wrestlemania party with all kinds of shit at this bar so you're not going to miss wrestlemania you get a little mean boys and then wrestlemate what could be better yeah it's going to be uh fucking dope speaking of uh calls to the crowd uh atlanta if you guys are listening and you want us to come to you now is the time to fill out the tour sheet because we really wanted to go to atl. We were going to do that on the 6th, but it was A, again, I emailed every single guy in Atlanta that even owns a microphone, and they all told me to go fuck myself. But if you're out there, fill out that tour sheet, and if we get enough, we'll be able

to swing it financially. But as it's looking right now, it's going to be kind of rough. So if you're in Atlanta and you want to show, you got like a week to fucking make something happen and fill out the tour sheet. Yeah. But the rest of these are ready to rock. If you're in California and you want some live Mean Boys in your life, maybe you're feeling left out by these dates, shut the fuck up. Shut your whore mouth. We're going to San Diego.

You got it damn right. February 22nd, live Mean Boys podcast at the Madhouse Comedy Club right there in downtown San Diego. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And last time, I mean, we had the epic me trying soup at the Live Chicago show. That was a lot of fun. And, of course, Tom Goss has graciously offered his sanity and flesh for tasing purposes. Sanity is already gone.

Just flesh will be offered. Yeah. We will drive your tits to madness. Yeah. I want to drive the flesh insane. you want to smell burning tom leave us an itunes review this guy writes new listener five stars i thought i'd give this a podcast to try so i listened to the most current episode number 178 at the time within the first minutes of this podcast, I was promised bodily violence via electrocution of dot dot dot somebody. Name don't matter.

What matters? Violence via electrocution. Dude, welcome to the show, amigo. Yeah, dude. That is maybe my favorite iTunes review of all time. I don't care who's getting hurt, but someone's getting hurt. Yeah, and look, guys, I know it's a pain in the ass to make the account or recover the account and log in, but we're only 55

away, and it's not going to be not funny watching Tom try to, you know, think of seven different birds while he's being electrocuted. So, I would get on that if I was you. We're 55 away? 55 away. Striking distance. Guys, get, get, I feel bad that my soup thing got

the reviews up blickety split. I feel bad for Tom here. I'm truly offended by it, yeah. Because people think that tasing you is just not going to do anything. I don't know. Well, yeah, it's split down the middle where people are going, ah, should you do that? And other people are like, eh, you would have done that for fun. It's just like.

Yeah. Well, yeah. The 600 iTunes reviews, I'll behead myself for you what the fuck do i gotta do to move the needle here come on well speaking of moving the needle in uh in uh saturn news man heck of a segue uh one of the og speaking of moving the needle into a sick friend of the show's arm yeah one of one of the OG Pig children, Lacey Bow Black, posted that a friend of hers, Bryce Fisher, is a super cool dude, artist,

rad guy. He has cancer. He's beating the shit out of it. And he needs to get this real gnarly experimental treatment that could really help him out. It's not covered by his insurance. So I posted on Twitter that if any of you guys were able to throw a few bucks, you might get a personal shout-out in the intro. And a bunch of you guys actually came through. I figured it would be if any of you guys were able to throw a few bucks, you might get a personal shout out in the intro.

And a bunch of you guys actually came through. I figured it would be like one or two guys. That was really cool, guys. Yeah. So if only there was somebody. We appreciate it. He appreciates it. Yeah, no, I mean, it's really great.

We'll throw that in the show notes as well if you guys have a few bucks and you want to throw it over to Bryce and help him out. Because it really is a cool thing. And we do love you guys. And we can't believe that we have souls. I can't believe anyone gives a shit about anything that happens in this room, to be honest with you. So thank you for that. But if only there was somebody to give these guys a shout out who had a voice so annoying, it would surely ruin the evening of every one of our rumors.

Oh, Mr. Richard Pinchelter. Join me in the battle against the whore cancer. Like Eric Veith, Jesse Wagner eric sternenberg probably the bob known as clingerman jason keppick tim duncan kyle veter the large meek ye fire bones of old and of course the herald of the short bus, Ryan Murphy. There you guys go. Yeah.

If you're new to the show because you came for DiMaggio and you don't know what the fuck that was, keep listening. You'll figure it out. You'll figure it out. The best of episode or whatever. Also, we got like five meanies left. So if you want one, we pretty much got black and brown, the two shittiest colors. So, if you

want a beanie to match your Model T, you can have one right now. To match your burned down house. Yeah, buy one today. We're like out, and I don't know, we're probably not going to make it until fall. So, if you want one, go get one. That's a quick plug. We had Opie stop by the house today for the Patreon bonus content. You'll hear a clip from that later in the show, which said Rob Zoroff as well.

And it's only five bucks a month for every single Thursday. You get another hour of Mean Boys in your ears, keeping you company. I don't want to tease. If it's $5 a month, you get over on the Patreon and you listen to this episode, you will hear the most offensive joke I've ever told. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you get to hear Opie being my favorite problematic black guy. He's got a lot of great opinions uh so that's there and then 10 bucks a month what are they getting in the mail this month tom every month we give you a little goodie yeah and this goodie is good e e it is uh the call i just make the noise you set tom up for layups and then he just grabs a wiffle ball bat and hits the basketball into the crowd. Words will be said now. A cone zone key chain. You really drummed up the wrong half.

A pizza party. I assumed. Why do you say anything the way you do? I keep you guys on your toes. Well, that's where I am. And you can keep a key chain in your pants. Oh, great. A Patreon guy.

Now we're catching it. I'm contagious, man. You got a couple more days to jump on before the end of the month if you want to get the cons on key chain. $10 a month. And we got a bunch of other fun perks if you jump on higher tiers. But yeah, get up on the Patreon. Yeah. Once we get to $2,500, we're going to fist Ramsey.

I don't know. Ah, guys. Page is mad. That was not the time. I do love all these inside jokes in the intro of the show that actual new listeners are going to be listening to. Here's what you should do if you don't know what any of that meant. Jump on the Mean Boys subreddit.

Oh, yeah, dude. There's a shockingly active community of ne'er-do-wells over there posting pictures of shoes and weird fan fiction about our butts. I know, yeah, our Mean Boys. Some guy was like, I started doing gross battle because of Mean Boys, and I won the prize money, so I bought two pairs of shoes like Connor. And I was like, what fucking horrible influences have I become? What a terrible role model you are. Like, well, I called my friend gay and then got sneakers. Yeah, like, don't be a mean hype beast.

One is too many. But, yeah, that was awesome. The Reddit's awesome. And especially the Discord is popping off these days. There's a link for that in the show notes. And it's basically a chat room where there's very little Mean Boys discussion. And that's fine. It's just the kind of stuff that you guys would enjoy.

You're making recipes, pipe bombs, things like that. A lot of genitals. There's a good amount of naked. If you ever wanted to know, you know, I wonder if the people who listen to this show have dicks. Well, they do, and they're big, and they're available to view. Yeah, they have very large dicks that I'm very impressed by. Yeah, bigger than mine. Yeah, mine too. I've got to think of Tom's. Yeah, so big very large dicks that I'm very impressed by. Yeah, bigger than mine.

Yeah, mine too. I've got to think of the Toms. Yeah, so big dicks over there. I think that's all the business out of the way. One more thing. Keith's too humble to bring it up, but his fucking recording last night went great, and you guys should definitely pick up his album when it comes out. Oh, yeah, Partylicious.

My second album, Partylicious. Here's a fun thing. I really wrote a tag featuring the word Partylicious just to justify calling the record that because Connor turned that into my waking nightmare. And then remembered to do every single joke last night except for that joke. But I also already told everyone

I'm calling it Partylicious. So god damn it, this is my album. Yeah, but it was literally you forgot that joke because you were crushing so hard that you just fucking moved on without saying the extra tag. It's gonna be great my album. Yeah, but it was literally, you forgot that joke because you were crushing so hard that you just fucking moved on without saying the extra tag. It's going to be great, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Just keep an eye out for that on Radland Records. Yeah, so, yeah, that's all the business out of the way. And now sit back, relax, and enjoy the one and only Mr. John fucking Bender from when I was a kid, DiMaggio. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Bite my shiny metal dick. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. Hey, and I'm John DiMaggio. You're supposed to cut me off. It's never once worked out. I was gonna say you were the owner of a whites-only pizzeria. Oh, whites-only

pizzeria. Fast-fired on a burning cross. Each whites-only pizza. Even by Italian standards, still pretty racist. That's rough. Wow. No olives. That's a little too dark for us.

And no eggplant parmesan. That's really an awful joke. We all know it. We know what kind of dick the eggplant is, and it's definitely not one of the good ones here at White's Only Pizzeria. Small dicks only. Get out. Come on. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. John DiMaggio, for some reason, is trying us in this studio. The amount of tweets we got that were like, who made John do this? Really? Yeah. Everyone was like, did he hit Tom in the middle of the night and do this to get square? I'm the hit guy. Jesus.

Nah, I'm all right. Everything's cool. Yeah, everyone's here of their own volition. That's it. Yeah, we met you working on Historical Rose. Exactly, and we had such a fucking good time. That was such a blast. Yeah, we bonded over you wearing the saddest old fat man pants.

Oh, God, those pants were just like... They put you in these wool pants. They showed my fucking... My gut, and they emphasized my penis. That's not a gunt. That's a good, that's a good. You had the man camera. Yeah, there was too much definition for it to be a gunt.

I saw contour. Oh, see, all right. A gunt is just like if you had a roast, like an Arby's roast beef and cheddar just in your waistline. I shouldn't be able to trace your balls from six feet away. Okay, there you go. That's it. Then there you go. And just from what I understand, they were locking in flavor like a Ziploc.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm telling you. It fucking smelled like fucking chicken bouillon all night. Yeah, everything happening in the taint of those pants was chemical warfare. You can't fucking put nuts up against polyester. That's just not fair. You're going to lose every time. That's just not fair.

That's like fucking Space Jam and the Monstars. Polyester's got it locked, kid. Fucking locked. It was so funny because Keith and I were big dorks, we're big fans, and we're like, oh, shit, that's John. We don't want to bother him. And then we walk outside and you're smoking and loudly complaining about nut fog and conversation never flowed easier.

Couldn't have de-starstrucked myself quicker. It was perfect. You were like, oh, I got this. I'm in this wheelhouse. You looked like a teamster that got lucky. You're like, they're putting me in the show? I don't know. Shit.

Do I get like a whole sandwich now like rich people do? I swear to God, I try and get into it. Whenever I get to a job, that's the kind of way I feel about it. Oh, yeah. Hey, Bobby Forklift got called up to the big leagues. Every time you get kid, you can do it for us. You get any gig and you feel like you pulled one over on someone. He's like, all right, show up, be cool, take as many loose meats as you can.

Yeah, exactly. You expect people to be like in a dive bar, a whole bunch of really seedy-looking people, watching a television, like a non-flat TV in the corner, like, Come on, kid, you can do it. Do it for the neighborhood. They're banking on you like it's a horse race. Why did John say, Yo, Adrian, I did it at the end? It's really weird.

I kind of blew the tanks, but we'll cut around it. It seemed like it meant a lot to him. I think that's a stand-up comedian thing because you have a stand-up background. And I have a problem where since this is what I do anyway, I don't feel like I've earned any of the money I make. So I'm always just like, what? I'm just having fun. I can't believe it. What?

We feel like hucksters constantly. No, there's definitely a sense of pulling the wool over people's eyes. Like, I'm really pulling this off. This is great. I'm just talking about my dick, and then you gave me $200. It's insane. Every time I do my taxes, I feel like I'm lying even though I'm not. Because I'm like, wait, yeah, I was W-9'd by the city of Pittsburgh, Kansas for $600

for an ill-fated basement memorial gig. Oh, my God. To roast the mayor's corpse or what the fuck ever. Oh, God. Yeah. Kansas for $600 for an ill-fated basement memorial gig. To roast the mayor's corpse or what the fuck ever. Oh, God. Yeah. Just being in this room is overwhelming to me. Like, this room is, this is the room's purpose is for us to be. We don't have rooms like that. Yeah, we generally record in our crack house, so it's weird for us to be in the big boys'

space. Yeah. Tom lives in a kitchen. I do. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

On top of the fridge or something? No, like the kitchen and the bathroom. Oh, that's rough, dude. You remember what I... The smells, man. It's just like fucking cumin and ass. Yeah. Like, what happened?

Oh, we don't cook with cumin. I was going to say. You have spice money. Yeah, yeah. Spice money. No, we... We just have... We ain't got no goddamn spice money, motherfucker.

Yeah, the only spice we use is the top ramen pack. Oh, my God. We got the one single mom jug of lorry seasoning that we use for everything from cakes to burritos. It tastes like porn. That one... It tastes like porn? It's like what sailors use to make hardtack, you know? It's for salting meat for long ocean voyages.

That's the only seasoning we have access to. We all have scurvy. You guys could use a couple of limes, I'll tell you that much. Hey, that crazy guy that's got the bag of oranges, he's working off something. He's a little under the weather. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Did you do any of that crazy road stuff when you were a first start?

Because that was the heyday of all that. Oh, absolutely, man. We would have to drive to places like, I remember doing a show in Providence, Rhode Island. We had to drive from Philadelphia on a Saturday. Okay. Oh, it was like up 95. We had to drive, and then we stayed in a crack house in East Providence.

Hell yeah. Like a crack hotel, like a shitty, shitty place. And we got caught in the worst traffic and we had to get there and we were doing this like Barry Katz was our manager. I was in a comedy team called Red Johnny and the Round Guy way back in the day in the 90s for Christ's sakes. And we had to

get up there and do this battle of the comedy teams, man. It was unbelievable. Industry standard, man. Come on, let's go. I love Barry. I love Barry.

Barry's an old dear friend. What do you want to do less at 8 in the morning than battle another comedy team? No, no, no. If someone said, hey, Mean Boys, you and the Sklar brothers, 9 a.m., I'd be like, fucking kill me. No, no, I'll get on to the Sklar Brothers in a second. Oh, hell yeah. Mercer Bridges. I saw them in the other room.

They're close. I saw them in here. Really? Seriously? Yeah, yeah. No, but we had to go up against Cato and Morin, this comedy team from Boston that was fucking legendary. And we had to go on after them. Oh, yeah, because those Boston guys were just like unstoppable. They were unstoppable. Some of those cats were fucking legendary. And we had to go on after them. Oh, yeah, because those Boston guys were just like unstoppable.

No, they were unstoppable. Some of those cats was fucking ridiculous. And this comedy team was so fucking good. And we were so shitty. By the time we did our first bit, like our first song, I had broken out into a sweat. We were supposed to do like 45 minutes. We ended up doing like 20. We got the fuck out of there.

It was horrible. Joe Rogan was hosting. Oh, shit. And to this day, like, even after that gig, even when he saw me kill, saw us kill in New York, even after, he would still look at us like, man, I saw you kill. I saw you shit the bed.

You can't kill like that confidence dick hard, you know? And I can sympathize with this, because there's. I saw you shit the bed, dick hard, you know? Yeah, no. Oh, man. And I can sympathize with this, because there's no worse feeling as a fat comic than realizing you're sweating enough that it's a problem to talk. And I was thin then. I was fucking thin then. I was thin then, and I was sweating my fucking ass.

That was a little foreshadowing. It was rough, man. It was fucking rough. We ought to cut the show early. John ran out of liquid. But, like, but the next, you know, but the next, but Barry had set it up because we had been doing so well. Barry set it up for us to fail.

Uh-huh. Oh, he's trying to like fucking knock you down. Really? And then we went on the next night and opened and it was fucking golden. It was perfect. Right. You just bombed the one. Just bombed the one, yeah. What type of Yoda lesson is that? Like, this client's getting too cocky. I got a gig.

Whatever it was, it was. But we did shit gigs. There's a Red Hat Society funeral. And you know what? These people need a laugh. Barry, there's a constant joke about Barry just being like, listen, man, I've got a gig for you. It's in Portland, Maine. You've got to drive to Boston and pick up

Don Gavin. It's $75. It's tonight, man. Can you do it? Absolutely, Barry. No problem. Sorry, man. It's canceled. That was the joke about Barry. I mean, I've done gigs at a... I remember doing a gig at an Elks Lodge in Natick, Massachusetts, and it was, we pulled up. What was Natick? Oh, man. Not some kind of like athletic antiperspirant spray. Yeah. Natick actually is where Doug Flutie went to high school.

Doug Flutie was from Natick, Massachusetts. And that's where they beat. About 45 minutes west of Boston, right? And we show up, and we're just like, holy shit. And me and my partner used to do like, we used to do like rap songs. Like I'd beatbox, and he would rap, and we'd do these things. We'd do commercial parodies and all sorts of shit, little sketches holy shit. And me and my partner used to do, like, we used to do, like, rap songs. Like, I'd beatbox, and he would rap, and we'd do these things. We'd do commercial parodies and all sorts of shit and little sketches and shit. And we killed.

We fucking killed. Yeah. We killed, but we were more of a city act, you know? Yeah. A little bit of critical thinking. That might have escaped the native audience. But let me tell you something. This was one of the best gigs we ever had.

We went in there, and there were three generations of this community. So it was the people our age. It's a bad place to start. No, no, no. The people our age, the people that were their parents, which fucking the parents could dig us because they could identify with us because they had kids. And then the grandparents who were just sitting there getting shit-faced. They're just happy to hear sound while they drink themselves to death. No, it was one of the best gigs we ever had.

They were the nicest crowd ever. Which Bud Lutz for spitting and which is for drinking? What the hell with it? Let's make some white trash Clamato. I know the audience you're talking about very well. Dude, I watched my mom one time drink a cigarette butt out of a thing of Clamato. Oh, my God. And it's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. Wow, that butt out of a thing of Clamato. Oh, my God. And it's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.

Wow, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, my mom parties. Harsh. Oh, my God. Keith and I had to roast the whole real estate company as Santa and an elf. And 20 minutes of death. The audio of this is beautiful. Yeah, it basically was so bad a guy

almost got fired as the ceo of his company for hiring us yeah oh my god we almost caused a major shake-up with the booking we fucking big shorted a dude out of a job by calling somebody a gay too hard oh no yeah and and uh and it's somewhere around the fifth you know you're just a botoxed housewife who doesn't love her kids joke we We got sandbanned out of the banquet hall. Oh, my God. Stole a bunch of crab cakes and got the fuck out of there. I just remember the visual of me running with a cup of hot chocolate I had stolen to your car, pounding it, throwing the glass into the woods, and then us fucking peeling out of the parking lot. Oh, my God.

Really? I never had that happen. I think we were splitting like $350. Well, I mean, we live in the space where it's like we get hired to do like the roast guy stuff. Right. People always think they want to get roasted. They don't. No.

Wait a minute. I suck and you're fired. Yeah, yeah. No. Roasting is for people that can handle it. Being roasted and roasting someone is a, it's, if you can't do the dozens, just stay out of the way. Yeah, you're going to get hurt. Stay out of the way.

You're going to get fucking hurt. If you can't dish it out and take it as well, then you're kind of fucked. Yeah. You know, and people think that they, oh, I can. No, you can't. No, you can't. You can hang with your dumb friends at, like, the water cooler. Yeah, but no, you can't hang. No, no, no. No, you can't hang.

No, no, no. No way. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you say things and people interpret it differently and there's weird consequences. Speaking of which, how's Twitter going, John? Twitter's going fucking great. You know?

Yeah, I know what happened. These guys I don't think know what happened. I don't think I do know what happened. Well, listen. It was a tweet about those kids from Kentucky, those Covington Catholic kids. Yeah, the kid with the MAGA hat and the kids who were staring down the Indian guy. Oh, yeah, those creeps. All right.

So there was a tweet that announced that they were getting death threats. And I wrote this on Twitter. What I should have written was— In your official capacity as the CEO of White's Only Pizzeria. Keep it up, keep it up. I'm glad I sponsored your little ink tank. From the desk of the Red Baron. It couldn't be more anti-appropriate than that.

Wow. But basically, like, you know, I should have said, I'm not fucking surprised about this. Like, you know. But instead I tried to be clever. And I was like, never, never know, I should have said, I'm not fucking surprised about this. Like, you know. Yeah. But instead I tried to be clever and I was like, never, never. What did I write down? I actually have it. Because I took a picture of it because I deleted it.

Yeah. So did a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. A lot of people deleted it. Yeah. It was like, wow.

What did I say? I said, I've never in my life said, well, those are well-deserved death threats. But I've also learned to never say never. I hashtagged it, fuck them punk-ass white kids. And people thought that I was endorsing death threats. Yeah, which is insane. Which is fucking not what I'm saying. It was a poorly worded joke.

You guys got it because you're comics. It's funny. My wife was just like, why didn't you let me read that before you fucking posted it? You fucking idiot. I'm like, yeah, you're right, baby. Your wife is your death threat tweet publicist. I moved the comma here and then it's not a crime. Let me see.

Come over here. You know I got veto power. It's my money too, John. Veto power is the name of the guy who runs the whites-only pizzeria. Hey, Vito Power here. Come on down to my pizzeria. No, but then I followed up with, like, you know, people were like, you're saying, I'm not saying death threats are okay, but you reap what you sow. And people were like, reap what you sow.

In turn, it is like some, like, you know, death threats. No, if you bringing new death threats. No, if you act like an ass, like one piece of advice my father said to me was, if you fuck around, you lay around. Meaning if you talk shit,

you're going to get knocked out. Yeah, you know, you're going to get fucking popped and that's what I meant but people were like,

reap what you sow, you're saying that children will be killed and kill the children. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, no, dude, I'm not saying that.

And it's like dorks on the far right do. They're totally fine talking shit, and then as soon as you say anything, they catch you slipping. Then they get real fucking triggered. And they do. And it's all bullshit. It's facetious. It's the James Gunn thing. However, I did issue an apology. That wasn't enough.

It's never enough. Yeah, we got somebody tweeting at us about it when we were doing the show. How dare you give your mighty platform to a hate bomb. Yes. But it's just like, you know, and I was just like, I'm sorry. You know what? Yeah. I didn't.

Wanting death threats against these kids is not, that's not my intention. Like, are you kidding? I love kids. It's fine. I love kids. But, you's not my intention. Like, are you kidding? I love kids. It's fine. I love kids. But, you know, Trump, politics, yeah, kids, no. I was like, you know, truly sorry. And I am truly sorry that people thought that I would, like, want, you know, people to harm children.

Because that's what they are. They're children. They're fucking spoiled rich kid children. They're paying the ads. One to four years from now, they're going to be young adults and they're going to be assholes. But that's, you know. Yeah, yeah.

And then we'll kill them. Yes. When they're ripe. No, that's not. Here's the thing. But you know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. They're raising shitty kids.

They're raising, these people are going to be shitty adults. I just don't know, where does the benefit of the doubt come in? Because as I said in the hallway, I feel like the voice

of Jake the dog would be pretty fucked if every 14-year-old white kid died. Because that's just buying the messenger bags as Spencer's gift. I mean, why would I even infer that? That's not what I was saying. And these people are like, you've got to get out. I mean, somebody was just like, you won't be forgiven until you get on national television and issue an apology to those children. This is like, first of all, how the fuck am I supposed to snap my fingers and get on national television?

Is there nothing better going on at MSNBC than... You're like, I keep trying to get on national television. Isn't the government shut down? We need airtime for this. This is the flashing issue. People assume it's so easy to just get on TV once you're famous. You're like, I got Futurama back on twice. There's only so many times they get me on TV.

People are like, they're tweeting it. And it's funny too because I got a bunch of death threats. I reported them. I blocked them. It's just like, alright. In fact, you know what's funny? I have two people that somehow got my telephone number. One of them left a number.

I mean, both of them left a number. One of them left a number. I mean, both of them left a number. Right. One of them left a message. But it's just like, wow. How stupid can you be that I can see your fucking telephone number? What the fuck? You didn't even have the star 69. No.

It's right the fuck there. No, it's right the fuck there. One's from Alabama and the other one's from Arkansas. Shocking. Don't start robocalls. Yeah, it's right the fuck there. One's from Alabama and the other one's from Arkansas. Shocking. Those aren't robocalls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Here's why that's a bad call.

Like, of all the voices, I don't want to hear, call me at 3 in the morning being like, start some shit. It's your voice. Oh, my God. You know, it's just like, but listen. Yeah, now a Gears of War character is going to be making you shit your pants because you wanted to be tough on the internet. You want to take it up with Marcus Phoenix, sir?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but listen. I truly was like, you know, my wife was just like, what the fuck, man? You're not putting anything positive out there with this. This isn't cool. And I was like, oh, shit, you're fucking right. I got to fucking apologize.

This isn't... Yeah, I get it. You know, but I apologize for the thing that they're accusing me of, which I'm not. I'm not endorsing death threats against these kids, but I think they're a pain in the ass. Yeah. And I think, where the fuck, now listen, this is the thing. Yeah.

Where the fuck was a chaperone slash teacher slash advisor or whatever when those fucking dudes, the black Israelites, who are fucking hilarious they're the black Westboro Baptist Church I don't know if Tom Jones is a black man or you get the fuck out of their office Shakespeare was black these guys are fucking out

of their minds and they'd stand on the street in New York City and various cities along the east coast and they fucking stand on the street in New York City and various cities along the East Coast and they fucking, I mean and they're dressed in like ridiculous you know, like Star Wars alien car. Star Wars alien, like I swear

to God. Yeah, it's the Mos Eisley Cantina on the fucking corner. Yes, exactly. And they're fucking talking about, you know, rapists of Africa, you know, white devils and you know, everybody. So they're out there and they're giving these kids shit. Where was the fucking person that went, all right, everybody, come on, let's move. Let's get out of here.

Yeah. Yeah. Instead, this idiot says, no, we'll encounter that. We'll en masse start our school spirit chant. Like, who the fuck? Get the fuck away from these antagonistic you don't know what these fucking guys these adults are going to do. If they're crazy enough to talk to you now and you start antagonizing

what are you, an idiot? Get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you're asking for fucking trouble. You're asking for trouble. You're asking for trouble and that's what the whole thing is. I mean, like, we see them on the street corner in New York we're fucking, you know, and I posted this it's like, you know, fucking lunchtime eating a slice of pizza, you sit down these fucking guys are talking about every you know, you know, and I posted this. It's like, you know, fucking lunchtime, eating a slice of pizza.

These fucking guys are talking about every, you know, you know, faggot this and this. All that shit. Yeah. Oh, I hate speech. Yeah, you know, like I watch the ghetto dinner theater and then I go back to work. Exactly. I'm like, oh, this is good. Oh, my God.

I haven't seen this one yet. They got a Swedish fucking tourist to stop and fucking talk with them. What are they doing today? Gay Jews stole our gold? This is amazing. This is, oh my God. I can't believe it. They're doing a breakdance battle with one of the guys dressed up as a minion for tips.

Get the camera. So that's it. And people lost their minds and think they think I want to kill kids. And it's just the dumbest fucking thing ever. Here's why I really think it's stupid. You're a blue-collar guy. You seem like a straightforward guy. If you really wanted these kids dead, you'd just go kill the kids.

It just seems like if you really cared that much, you'd get in a car, you'd drive to Kentucky, you'd be like, yeah, I got a bat. Fuck you. You're a 50-year-old white guy from Boston. Killing kids is number one on your resume. Jersey. Jersey. I really want kids. Killing kids is number one on your resume. Jersey. Jersey. I really want kids.

Killing anyone is on the book then. It's a whole, yeah, it's everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jersey is built on a people that used to live in New Jersey graveyard. He keeps a hefty bag folded up in his wallet like an American flag for just such an incident. Oh, my God. No, you know, but that's just it. You know, and people are fucking crazy in this day and age.

And these Trump people are just fucking nuts. And there's bots and there's like... Oh, it's crazy. It's just nuts. And I mean, like, you know, death threats. Like, fucking death threats. And anyone who's got anything going on that doesn't word something absolutely perfectly gets piled on. Because everyone just enjoys the sport of the argument, I guess.

I'm like, where's the fun come in? Where do you get the satisfaction from yelling at you about making an obvious joke? That hashtag at the end is proof permanent that you're fucking around. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, I mean, like, I'm fucking like... Like, I'm not... Now, your pizzeria, on the other hand, is indefensible. It's a serious business.

Vito Power here. Come on down for a second. Except for you, you, and you. Do you like sausage but also want your daughters to feel safe? Come on down to Vito Power's white pizzeria. No flavor. No melanin. No problem.

Oh, my God. All you taste is the cheese and the bread. Yeah, meal combo only, $14.88. I'm a 14-word pledge. Flavor for our customers and for the future of our... Oh, okay, let's not finish that one. Let's not finish that one in the Starburns recording booth. It's not delivery.

It's the master race. This is the same room where they do HBO's Animals. There goes the neighborhood, guys. I'm sure they appreciate the plug right there. I'm just watching them cancel all our sponsorships in the next room. Yeah, they're like, you know, we can give you the studio if you really need it,

but you guys are probably going to get some residual cigarette butt stains on the chairs. When did all this pop off? Just a couple, just like 48 hours ago, 20, 72 hours ago. Okay. Yeah, I looked at John's Twitter to be like,

I wonder if he retweeted that we're doing the show with him. And then I just saw it. I fucking hated it. I waited until today. I waited until today. Man, I tried to hold off. Because, man, I knew those guys would be like, do you want a child killer to come on your television, on your TV podcast? And we're like, honestly, I knew those guys would be like, do you want a child killer to come on your

television, on your TV podcast? And we're like, honestly, kind of. TV podcast? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, don't kill a kid. But if you did, we'd definitely bring you back. We'd have questions.

Oh, my God. We're trying to make a living. Yeah. And that's why I got that mob to incite the campaign against you, because I was worried we wouldn't have enough to talk about it with the wool pants. This is a collect call from Chico Penitentiary. Do you accept the charges? Have you thought about doing – because so many people now, like with Netflix, Sandler just did it.

Have you thought about getting back into doing a big stand-up thing and doing a tour, having some fun? Is it appealing to you or do you feel like that's over? Because I feel like a lot of stand-ups, when you get that in your blood, you're like, I can't do anything else. It's so good. But you found success through so many other things. You know what? It's funny that you mention that because what, Dane Cook just got in touch with me

and was just like, hey, man, have you been doing, like... Yeah, what a loud phone call. No, it was on Twitter. It was on Twitter. But it was a loud text. It was really loud. It autocorrected the all caps. I got a headache reading that.

How do I tweet and act out? What about you, Stan? But he was just like, hey, man, I'm doing a tour this year and I'm bringing friends and I want friends to come perform

and he's just like, have you done, you know, I was like, oh, shit, man, what an opportunity to be able to 15, 20 minutes

and fucking come up and be in an environment that people will be like, hooray! Yeah, exactly. You can do it! Just a real, be like, hooray! Yeah, exactly. You can do it! Just a real everyone wants you to win. Yeah, exactly.

So it was just like, oh, man. And I thought about it. I'm still thinking about it. I mean, if I can put together that much material and that kind of a set, then maybe. But I'll be honest with you. Well, we got some good gun stuff today. Yeah, I know. But, like, to be honest, like, I just, you know, the last time I did stand up, I had an okay set. But I left the spot.

It was at the old Meltdown Comics. Oh, okay. And it was, I think it was some kind of benefit or some shit. I can't remember what it was. But I went on and did, like, 10 or 15 minutes. And it was just, meh, it was, I think it was some kind of benefit or some shit. I can't remember what it was. But I went on and did like 10 or 15 minutes. And it was just, man, it was okay. And I left the club and I was like, oh, man. I just don't.

When I used to do a set, I'd be like, I can't wait to get back on stage and fucking right or wrong. Or fucking do that new bit again that fucking killed. I can't wait. It's a snowball thing. Yeah, it's a snowball thing. I just did not feel the snowball at all. I wanted to get home to my dogs and chill and just be like, you know. It started to rain a little bit, and I was thinking like, oh, man, imagine if I got in a fucking little fender bender right now.

Coming back from this and feeling like, meh. It felt like an inconvenience and not a thing you wanted to do. As a guy who's totaled a lot of cars after bombing probably a few times, I think you might have made the right call. You know what? Fuck this and the dicks. I'm never going back to La Jolla. Nothing better than destroying all of your limited 20-year-old equity after bombing for six crackheads at an AA club in Anaheim.

I could die in Fresno. That's going to be my next tattoo. I could die in Fresno. Yes. That's going to be my next tattoo. I could die in Fresno. There you go. Yeah, but it's just, you know, listen, I love being on stage. I love getting that back and forth. It's just that I'm just not sure. Like, I'm going to be going up to San Francisco this weekend to do San Francisco Sketch Fest.

Yeah. And I'm doing two performances on Saturday. One at Cobb's Comedy Club. Okay, nice. Which is going to be Outtake-O-Rama, which is me and Billy West

and Maurice LaMarche and we're recreating all the great Outtake tapes. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. It's going to be really, really funny. God, that's awesome.

Yeah, I mean, we do the tube bar, you know. Oh, and you do, where's my father? Your father? Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, I mean, we do the, you know, the two bar, you know. Oh, and you do... Where's my father? Your father? Yeah, where's my father? Your father's in your mother's asshole.

You fucking bum. You know, do all that shit. Right. Right, you know, just the Barry White outtakes. And between the three of you guys, it's like,

you can do anything. It's fucking sick. I want to hear Daffy Duck blow Bender now. I mean, if you want, yeah. You know, I'm sure that's, wow, that's a good, that's a good idea. Daffy Duck blow Bender. A little foreshadowing for our game coming up.

Yeah. Dick season. Robot season. But we're doing a show, what, Saturday afternoon? And then that night, we're doing Futurama table read with a whole bunch of people from the cast. Oh, wow. David Herman's going to be there. David Herman's fucking brilliant. David Herman does Bob's Burgers, and he does Paradise PD, and he does, he's done it.

He was fucking Michael Bolton in Office Space. You know who he is. Yeah, yeah. He's fucking crazy. He's fucking funny. Like, the kind of guy that just has one word on a script to say and just kills the room. Are you doing like an episode that already exists? Yeah, yeah.

We're going to do an old episode. Oh, that's awesome. I forget which one. We might even be doing two. Beautiful. But it's at the Marines Memorial Theater, which is a fucking 650. I've actually played there. It's a fucking great room.

That's a beautiful theater, yeah. It's a great room. I've actually played there. It's a fucking great room. That's a beautiful theater, yeah. It's a great room. So I get to do that. Yeah. And I get to do stuff like, you know, I get to go to conventions and do Q&As. And that's like doing, you know, just riffing on the, you know. That's like doing crowd work. Yeah, you get the live itch scratch.

You don't have to do stand-up. It's not just you. It's not you're coming up with your own act. It's all in the moment. And that's its own thing. Yeah, it is. It's not you're coming up with your own act. It's all in the moment. And that's its own thing. Yeah, it is. And I get that thrill from that.

So it's just like, I get my fix there. I was going to say, because I got a gig coming up in Victorville at the Holiday Inn. I can pick you up if you just kick me a couple bucks for gas. No, listen, man. We'll take the Tesla. Share a panini, man. Split it. Take my Tesla. You guys are sharing a panini, man. Split it. Take my Tesla. There's a supercharger up there.

Let's not take any car we're not willing to lose. We'll take my beater then. Welcome to Victorville. That's ours now. Oh, my God. That's a fucking perfect slogan for Victorville. Welcome to Victorville. We have a knife.

Holy shit. Welcome to Victorville. Pay your speeding ticket here. No, no, no. Everybody gets a speeding ticket. Welcome to Victorville, home of whites-only pizza. Hey, I have veto power.

Come on down. Fuck Victorville, you motherfucker. Victoryville. Victoryville. Jesus. Oh, man. Well, John DiMaggio

is in the fucking trap with us. We'll be right back with a game and more after this. Wretched big children. Hide your children and pray for undeserved mercy, for your reckoning has come. It is I, the eviscerator of the eternal, the flagellator of the cowardly, the being that makes your feeble Satan look like a nun in a diaper, Karnak, the Bloodfeaster!

I am joined by my herald, young human meat sack, and world record holder for YouTube comments reading fake and gay, Tyler Dawson. Let's make this quick. I've got to get back to Twitter. I'm trying to cyberbully the Pope into killing himself. A noble goal for an admirably wicked man-child. But I come to you today not to besmirch the haberdash molester of tiny Catholics, but because the most infernal night of the year is nigh,

the celebration of self-fallation that churns my many stomachs and compels me to vomit a torrent of bile noxious enough to extinguish the flame of the human race itself. Damn, dude, you're really going balls out with the poetry today, Carnock. Silence, child. For the time has come for Carnock's Oscar Roundup 2019. The Oscars suck ass. They never give awards for the stuff I like.

So many great movies got snubbed this year. Infinity War, Venom, that video of the guy in China falling off a building. The Academy Awards are a bloated affair honoring a veritable who's who of who gives a smoldering fuck. And yet I remain vigilant because the Bloodfeaster has two beliefs. That I shall rule all living beings with an iron fist and a lead scrotum. And that there's nothing like a night at the movies. Kevin Hart got fired for saying he'd beat his kid if he was gay. Like, come on, guys. That's obviously a joke. Everyone knows a kid could beat the shit out of Kevin Hart got fired for saying he'd beat his kid if he was gay? Like, come on, guys.

That's obviously a joke. Everyone knows a kid could beat the shit out of Kevin Hart. The small chocolate imbecile was a fool to speak ill of the sodomites and then expect to host that grandest celebration. The Oscars have the same problem many men on Grindr do. Nobody can host. I didn't get that one. Nor I, young Dawson, but my cousin in San Francisco said it would make sense to them. I didn't get that one.

There are, like, three movies this year about racism. Four if you count the Dick Cheney one. What are they mad about? Was there, like, an ancient war for an enchanted goblet or something? hand of Karnak. The only racial divide is between the Blorks and the Bog Elms. What are they mad about? Was there like an ancient war for an enchanted goblet or something? Nope! Slavery! Full-on slavery! Weak. You cannot comprehend the depths of the weakness! Green Book

is nominated for like everything. Green Book is also what I called the Bible I hauled out to hide my weed and throwing stars. I expected more because it's directed by one of the guys who did Dumb and Dumber and Something About Mary But this one sucked I mean, nobody comes on anyone Why hire that guy if you're not going to have any cum in the movie? Green Book is desperately lacking in ejaculate

Two men alone in the vast expanses of America And you mean to tell me not once did any of them have a need for seed? Preposterous! I mean, it's still funnier than fever pitch. I found fever pitch hysterical. The whole time, I imagined the Rector Ward known as Jimmy Fallon being fed penis furs through a meat grinder. Next! Oh, there's that movie about a black guy spending years to infiltrate a whites-only organization, the Marvel Universe. Ah, yes, Black Panther. Be not fooled by trickery and propaganda and a soundtrack most lit. T'Challa is a cowardly leader.

What are you talking about? He's badass. He gets chucked off a waterfall and then comes back and fucks shit up. In the Kingdom of Doom, do you know what we call getting thrown off a waterfall? A baptism. Every infant is hurled like a screaming frisbee off the peak of Volcanium Falls. Those who deserve the gift of life find their way to the shores. Those who do not are consumed

by the most dreaded aquatic creatures, the Piranacondas. Piranacondas? Those sound gnarly as fuck. They are the stuff of nightmares. Parents kneel beside their children to offer them the eternal warning. Piranacondas? Those sound gnarly as fuck. They are the stuff of nightmares. Parents kneel beside their children to offer them the eternal warning. Piranacondas don't want none unless you've got blood, son. What'd you think of Vice? A total hatchet job.

Me and Chaney do bar trivia on Tuesdays, and he says it's completely inaccurate. Wait, you do bar trivia? I thought that was just for, like, nerds and 40-year-olds who still wear Joy Division shirts. You have been misled by my mispronunciation. I meant to say we do bar trivia? I thought that was just for like nerds and 40 year olds who still wear Joy Division shirts. You have been misled by my mispronunciation. I meant to say we do bar trivia. It is an ancient word in the tongue of my race. It translates to me and Dick Cheney

eat a virgin every Monday. Black Klansman was pretty tight. It was super funny and I haven't heard Foreman from that 70's show say that many racial slurs since I found Connor McSpadden's fan fiction Tumblr. What puzzles me is how it took two hours to tell the tale of defeating a grand dragon. There are

three steps. One, remove its wings with the enchanted blade of your choosing. Two, tear from the dragon's heart the pyroneum gem that gives him his power. Three, stab the dragon's children to gain their courage. I was gonna watch Roma,

but my mom cut off my Netflix as punishment for disobeying because I microwaved the cat. I too was thwarted by the diabolical machinations of Deborah. Woman, if you can hear this, reinstate your Netflix account. Then I might watch the first nine minutes of Roma before losing interest and returning to the soothing embrace of that siren of the Orient, Marie Kondo. Yeah, Mom. Spark your joy,

cunt. This year I saw one film that changed my life forever. I never thought I'd say this, but after watching The Favorite, I think chicks fingering each other is fucking boring. You were devastated. Crushed, Karnak. Lesbian fingering is my second

favorite genre of movie behind Ukrainian snuff film, and this movie just takes a fat dump all over it. Lavish costumes and pageantry. The dark private lives of the profanely wealthy. Lives torn asunder by years of deception and homosexual dalliance. What is this, a documentary about a Bryan Singer pool party? I knew it was coming. Silence, vermin. My joke is perfection.

I paid a vast sum of gold to many of Jehovah's finest writers for some of these. You know nothing of satire. Uh, what else is there? Oh, right. A Star is Born. I don't watch musicals, unless you count muting Clockwork Orange and playing the first Slipknot album on repeat, but that

only works if I have my green book. Ah, yes. a star is born. A young ingenue is lured into the world of show business, but devastated when her mentor's alcoholism leads him to disappoint her. What is this, a documentary about a Bryan Singer pool party? Yeah, that one didn't fit as well. Mind your tongue, or I will rip it from your skull and use it as a palate cleanser after the next feast of Batavia.

Sorry, man. I'm a little raw. Bryan Singer directed five X-Men movies, so he's responsible for like 18 minutes of shit I think is really good. I mean, like, yeah, it's a bummer that he plowed all those children, but, I mean, the real victim here is me, because now I'm gonna get all sad every time I rewatch the Nightcrawler scene from the beginning of X2.

Hear my words, Singer. Your time is indeed up. If you think it hurts to be me-too'd, wait until you are me-tooked. I will hang your whimpering carcass in my beef chamber and carve you like a fatted calf. Your flesh shall be used to feed the many orphans of my blood war. You have preyed upon the young for too long. Another table shall turn, and the young shall prey upon you.

So, uh, yeah, that's pretty much it for the Oscar preview. Man, I hope they don't give that Todd fucker an Oscar. Who would be wicked enough to bestow riches and rewards onto a rapist? Oh, that's right, the Republican Party. Ugh, Jesus, dude. You're a fucking hack.

How dare you? Like, I agree, but come on. You're better than that. You got any hot covfe cafe riffs or maybe a sick he's orange burn you dare to call me a hack let's see what's a hack when I hack you to death with the blade of tagger off okay calm down car knock you are like the letter you in the title of the favorite I hate that you are here you annoy me to no end and it is night time. You are cut. And now a clip from this week's Patreon bonus episode featuring Opie. Did I ever tell you about the time I came on a girl's stomach and she told me I thought it would be darker?

Like when you're a kid and you think that the brown cows make chocolate milk. And then she goes, please don't tell anybody I said that well she knew she immediately knew what she said was wrong like like i remember as a kid once i thought the reason we had earthquakes was because we hit saturn's rings because i saw it in a cartoon i'm like oh okay that makes sense yeah yeah sure but then for her she thought chocolate milk so black dudes make... Like, what kind of... What do you think it would be... How dark do you think it would be? You're not paint.

Like, it's not wearing out. You know what's fucked up? You just come out an oil slick, you know, like if Speed Racer's tailing you, you can come out the window. Until I watched Black Porn, I thought the same thing. Jesus Christ.

That was two weeks ago. And the Mean Boys podcast is back and I prepared a very special game for our guest today. This game is called Bender, I Barely Know Her. Ooh. Hey, that sounds like a good game, baby. You have no idea how tempted I've been this whole time. Like, could you just say fuck you to my high school friends that made fun of me for being a comedian as the scotsman oh god oh my god that's fucking great just despite man i do really like the funniest like right when we first met like it was like we knew who you are

we're big fans or whatever and we're like we don't want to be that guy who asked him to do bender and you're like i'll do bender i don't give a shit you're like hey hey you pointed, we're big fans or whatever, and we're like, we don't want to be that guy who asked him to do Bender. And you're like, I'll do Bender, I don't give a shit. You're like, hey, hey, you pointed at me, you're like, yo, say Bender, we love you. And I'm like, Bender, we love you. Shit, baby, I know it. And I turned 12 and shit, my parents. Because the vibe was very much, I can't believe I'm that guy either. How cool is that?

That's the only way to like, if you're going to be famous, you're going to go fucking insane unless you get a kick out of it. Yeah. You know? Because Jeff Ross, he'll show up someplace and be like, yeah, I'm the fat guy. That's mean. Isn't it great? Can you believe it?

Look at your dumb tits. Bye-bye. I'll have a million dollars now, please. Oh, my God. So I have no idea to what extent you're familiar with this. I can't imagine you have the time, but oh my God, there is so much dramatic, serious prose about your iconic characters fucking other characters from these television shows. What? All of this crap.

Oh, yeah, we dug deep into the erotic fan fiction worlds of all your characters. Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay. And the game here is I'm going to read you a little clip, a little passage, and you're going to have to guess what character your character's fucking. All right? We got them from the whole catalog, everything from Bender to Aquaman. Oh, wow. By the way, I ran into Mike Lawrence on the street, and I mentioned that we were doing this.

I told him it crashing, but he's like, your Aquaman was his favorite. Oh, dude. That's outrageous, yes. Thank you, Mike Lawrence. I remember you. Yes. Isn't that wonderful? And his wife is now mad that that's his ringtone and not her voice anymore. Oh, man. So we're going to get started with some Futurama, and I'm just going to give you, I'll read the clip, give you four options. You've got to guess who Bender's fucking here.

Okay. Bender removed his hand and instead embraced him again, gently holding his human so he could bask in the afterglow. He felt his chest expanding over and over while he was taking deep breaths, his hand slowly and gently caressing his metallic body as a gesture of gratefulness. You're really good at that. You know that? You're just really sensitive, that's all,

said Bender. How about you, then? Are you sensitive? This just produced a grin on Bender's face and his eyes went sultry. His curiosity spiked. How about you then? Are you sensitive? This just produced a grin on Bender's face and his eyes went sultry. His curiosity spiked. How about you find out for yourself? Now is Bender fucking A. Zapp Brannigan, B. Al Gore, C. Fry,

or D. Sweet Clyde Dixon from the Harlem Globetrotters? Definitely not D. Definitely not D. I'm saying no. I'm saying no to D. I can't think of a worse person to get jerked off by than Bender. His whole thing is Bender. You know what? The whole time I was thinking it was Fry.

The whole time I was thinking it was Fry, but I couldn't be wrong. Jesus Christ. I'm going with Fry. I'm going with Fry. You're correct. That's Fry. Yeah! Classic.

Do you know that they call it Fender? I learned Googling these that it's called Fender. Oh, like the relationship between Fry and Bender and these? It's Fender? Yep, it's Fender. I don't know if you've done any research on the erotic fan fiction world, but it's like weirdly involved. Like they have like canon for fuck's sake. I think it's called Frender.

Frender? I think it's called Frender. That feels like a gay app I've fucked on. Yeah, yeah. Like that's what that is. So go ahead. No, that's all I said. It's just like weirdly convoluted.

It's just so fucking strange. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Okay, what's next? Well, if you thought that they would leave Madagascar alone, then you are sort of mistaken. So I'm going to blank some names here. Blank got up from the table and came over to Rico. Rico was silently watching him as he came closer.

Blank stopped directly in front of him. Rico stared at him, his flipper moving. He put his flipper onto Rico's shoulder. Rico looked at his flipper on his shoulder and then asked him. Blank moved the flipper over ever so slowly down to Rico's waist. The penguin has a waist. Who looked at these penguins and was like, I need them to be horny? Rico felt a little uncomfortable.

Blank then leaned in and pressed his beak to Rico's. He started off slow, but it gradually started getting longer and harder. Rico moaned into his kiss and started kissing Blank back. Blank's flippers wrapped tightly around Rico's waist as they continued kissing. Okay. Rico's flippers flew over Blank's body as well. They moved and wrapped around Blake's neck. Okay, okay. Who are the

fucking other... Come on. Just get to the answers, please. Alright. I was worried this would be in this fire. No, it's great. So is that A. Kowalski, B. Skipper, C. Hans, or D. Dr. Blowhole? Oh, fuck.

Oh, man. What an orgy. I know. A mad scientist and three penguins. This is just reach your heart out, Xvideos. It's just the bucket at Joe's Crab Shack. Oh, man. I think it's Dr. Blowhole.

This is on the internet, and they were mad about your tweet. Yeah, I know. I know. Right? I know. Do you support having sex with whales? I think it's Dr. Blowhole I hate to break it to you It's Skipper

Where Tom actually did the motion capture for him He was the closest thing in nature To a tiny adorable penguin And they just ran with it That's Rico And they just ran with it. That's Rico, sorry. This is such a weird, I have to tell you this fact, and it may scare you. But in the psych ward, one of the three shows that we could all agree to watch was Futurama.

So that's where I've seen most. Yeah. In the fucking psych ward? Yeah. After dinner. And it's calming? It was for me. That show was calming?

I imagine one guy in the psych ward watching Futurama would be like, I told you all that's what it was going to be and you put me here. I'm the guy with the tinfoil hat. I say Santa's trying to kill everybody and all of a sudden I'm under arrest for hurting my family. Thanks, Obama. Holy shit. Oh my God. Yeah, we got a couple more here. Okay, go for it.

Oh man. This is like trying to get through because I'm just like, ah. Here's what I really like is that there's all these Futurama fan fiction writers

that take it so seriously and I was like, let me find the worst ones to highlight. I mean, oh my God. The guy who in no way deserves, this one's Adventure Time.

Oh Christ. For Jake the dog. I'm sorry, blank, Jake muttered, cupping her cheek in his paw. I'm sorry I get so stupid jealous. I'm just an idiot.

What can I say? A playful smile tugged at blank's mouth. Nothing more. You make me feel like a genius. Funny, Jake smiled and placed his paw

on her pink cheek. I thought you already were. That's, I mean, I'm There's no good answer. There's no good answer. I don't like how well written this dialogue is. I don't like watching you read them. It's bothering me. Let me see if I can guess

the answers that they're giving because it would be either Flame Princess because she's got the rosy cheeks. Princess Bubblegum, because she's kind of got pink cheeks as well. Yeah. Then there's Lady Rainicorn, who is his actual girlfriend. And I can't remember if she's got any color on her face, but she might, because she's Lady Rainicorn. Yeah.

And there's a thing. So I don't know who else they would want on that list. Those are the options. We've got Princess Bubblegum, Marceline the Vampire Queen. Marceline the Vampire, yeah. Shoko or Lady Rainicorn are the options. Who? She broke up the Beatles.

Yeah. And then fucked a dog. She had a busy 70s. Oh, no. I like that they wrote this as seriously as if it was a Young and the Restless spec. The ones where it's like, Danny put his dumb dick in her cart

to a pussy. Those are fine. Those are goofy. The ones where it's like this very gentle, tender romance are so upsetting. I need a fucking bath, dude. I love it. I'm going to guess Flame Princess. That's Lady, dude. Oh my god. I love it. I think I'm gonna guess Flame Princess. That's Lady Rainicorn. You stupid asshole!

You can't tell when you're fucking your own girlfriend in the cartoon. Do the video power! Hey, yo, none of this shit in Muppets Arena. Oh my god. Do the Aquaman one next. I will. Yeah, what I like is that

these people are like, well, if it's fan fiction, make him fuck so when he does it already fucking the show. Oh my god. You know? I don't know how much fucking there is in Adventure Time. I want to see Jake the Dog and Donna from that 70s show. Why get so tied down to the lore? Have some fun with it, fan fiction writers.

Oh my god. Because actually, John's going to- You seem genuinely upset. I'm just thinking to myself, like, is this going to come back to me? Oh, no. No one listens to this. Oh, okay. John's doing this bit every week, actually.

We just signed a deal with him. All right. Aquaman. Who's Aquaman? What's up? Is it Garage Baby? No, no. All right.

So this next one, we got two more here. These will be fun. Oh, God. Who would really like to tell Arthur he really thought everything, though. Like how there are bottles of lube and a box of condoms in the room the guards let him into. Right? He really would if Arthur wasn't currently fucking him with the blunt end of the trident. He isn't even sure where that one came from.

Oh, God. Why is the trident? Wait, it's the first, wait. Is somebody in a cell? Is somebody in a cell? Did you say a cell? Yes. There's a consensual prison element to this one.

Oh, God. Just give me the fucking answers. I want to get past this one. Here's the thing with the trident. No, no, fuck that. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get to the answers. No more bits.

Get to the answers. I want to hear Connor's logic on the trident. Please, in graphic detail, explain to me your point, Connor. Just because you have a prop doesn't mean we need it. It's Chekhov's trident. If you introduce it in Act 1, it must penetrate another superhero by Act 3. Is that A, Ocean Master, B, Black Manta, C, Batman? Black Manta.

It's actually Black Manta because of him. Batman. That was Batman. It was Batman? Unfortunately, yeah. In a cell? Yeah. Well, what is the title of that story?

That's called Bruce Wayne Cum Baby, I believe. Oh, God. Oh, Cum Dumpster Bruce Wayne. Yes, that's got a running theme to the piece. Oh, no. Oh, God. All right. And this last one, this will be a tribute.

Fuck. This will be a tribute to one of your lesser known characters, but one of my favorites. I was so happy I was able to find this one. This is for Barbados Slim. Never had it, never will. Yes. Based on the actor Jeffrey Holder from Live and Let Die. Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to be one of the head dancers of the Alvin Ailey group. I don't know what that is. Yeah, see? There you go. I got a little fucking, little culture in you motherfuckers over here. We learned something about obscure 70s funk or whatever. Alvin Ailey was a dance quartet.

I mean, not a quartet, but they're a dance group. They're a dance group. Alvin Ailey was a choreographer who started the Theater of Harlem. Forget it. Anyway, Jeffrey Holder, great actor. It sounds like if avocados had raisinets, like little dancers. You guys follow him? What the fuck?

What fucking California raisin dreaming fucking dream are you having over there? Holy shit. The one California raisin that didn dream are you having over there? Holy shit. You look like the one California raisin that didn't make it into the band. Tom, what if I told you about taking an Ambien and going to Vons? It's got to stop. Will Vinton called. He said he wants his raisins back. Anyway, gang.

Last one. As Barbados dropped his pants, it was clear his pendulous manhood was the only thing in danger of making him lose a limbo game. He was all sinew, all muscle, all man. I was terrified, but too curious, too stupid to leave. I chuckled to myself nervously. I felt like Fry. To my surprise, Barbados, who was anything but slim, was still growing. Each throb of his powerful athletic heart delivered another payload of hot Jamaican blood into his limbo stick. He's going to crush me like a slurm can, I thought to myself. So, how low can you go? Asked Barbados with a wink.

Now, is that Amy, Leela, LaBarbara, or D, all of the above? All of the above. That's correct. That one was by a lesser known author, Connor McSpadden, called Vagina Slims, that I wrote this morning. The best part is like seeing you this morning and be like, yeah,

I got some important work I need to get done on this thing. And then knowing you went in there and wrote about Barbados Slim's dick for 20 minutes.

That's fucking hilarious. Oh, Jesus. I think that was really, really, really funny. I regret every moment of it though. But it's okay.

Sorry, man. No, don't worry about it. That's fucking funny. After this, we're going to have Howard Stern make you ride But it's okay. Sorry, man. No, don't worry about it. That's fucking funny. After this, we're going to have Howard Stern make you ride a Sibian. So hang tight. All right. The Mean Boys Podcast. We'll be right back with your questions in the mailbag right after this.

The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Oh, Himalaya, you say. I forgot Mr. Ear was. Tell me more. I forgot to say. What is Himalaya. Oh, Himalaya, you say. I forgot Mr. Ear was... Tell me more. I forgot to say. What is Himalaya, Connor? Let's plow through this thing. Let's hear you out.

It's a good service. Mr. Ear is a bad character. For people listening to this episode, because of the world-famous voice actor that's on the show, we have voice actors of our own, and they've come up with great characters like Mr. Ear. I'm not an

actor at all. I'm an ear. Mr. Ear. Here to plug Himalaya podcasting app. Tell me what Himalaya is. Himalaya is a podcasting app. Nice. Wow, dude. Mr. Ear can't read the ad copy. Not for a dime. Got an ear, not an eye.

But I'll tell you what, it sounds great. They got a great layout that's easy to use. You could make playlists that are easy to use. The whole thing is very easy to use. Can you say easy to use one more time? I'm an ear. That doesn't make it okay. No, that makes it worse.

I'm a Mr. Ear. The whole premise is so flimsy. It looks like the cartilage in an ear. It's a great place to listen to all your favorite podcasts. They've got a fucking amazing interface. Super intuitive. Connor is head boners about it for months. Yeah, everything's right where it needs to be.

It's quick. Quick download times. You know, search. It's not like, you know, some other apps, some more popular apps that we can't name. It just takes forever. And it's just got all this bloatware and ads in it and those guys have gotten lazy they've had the monopoly on podcasting and himalaya has come in and they've they've done everything right uh they've got a playlist function coming soon where you can just make a place of all your you know if you wanted to listen to all your favorite uh you know which i

do yeah i'm trying to think of any podcast. If you want to listen to all your favorite OP podcasts, you can go see all three episodes of this show that he's done and no other podcasts. Every other person with a famous credit who's done this show once and then regretted it immediately. Yeah, yeah. Joe DeRosa, I'm sure, has been on a number of podcasts. So, yeah, that's all there. And it's totally free.

And, yeah, it's fucking good. They're popping up shows that I hadn't heard of. Like, oh, I didn't even know he had a podcast. And it's like all the fucking features on all the other apps have been so corrupted and exploited. It's actually kind of a nice open marketplace of media for you to consume. And it's very ergonomical to the fucking brain. It's the AOC of podcasting. You know what?

Bringing power back to the people. Yeah, exactly. You guys know what Mr. Ear loves? They even have a tip jar where you can just shove some money in an ear hole, and then it goes to your favorite podcasters. That is pretty cool. Yeah. It's very cool.

Shake some money at, I don't know, probably the crime guys need it. Yeah. I'm sure their lies are shit. I love listening to them. That's a crime with three eyes and four wires. Don't read it. Just say it. Love you, Rich rich and whatever the other guy is um so yeah you can do that uh go go give it a download just check it out if i could take 10 seconds and that's one of these things you get used to using

the shitty podcasting app and i don't know why not give it a shot maybe make your life that 10 easier for that and uh yeah give mean boys a follow while you're at it. Himalaya, a better way to cook. My favorite country. Himalaya, what's in your wallet? Himalaya, where the pets go. Back to the show. Eat fresh. Gwang. And the Mean Boys podcast returns.

Take your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the Dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. Yay, and the Mean Boys Mailbag.

By the way, that last thing, I've never experienced any sort of cartoon smut like that in my entire life. That was great. That was fucking amazing. Which is shocking to me because you're like on the convention circuit a lot. And I feel like you get a lot of this sort of presented to you. Well, not really. Huh.

Wow. You must have a good bodyguard. Yeah, right. The security at all conventions will be tight, tight, tight to the ragamuffin style, boy. Don't bring your fake sword. Boom, a clock to punch your head down. As they're putting the little tag on the sword so you can't pull your dumb dead polka dot out. I forgot you also did ad libs on the Clash's Sandinista album.

That was good. That was really good. Damn, there's your fucking deep pole reference. Jesus. Dumb brothers. Right next to Vito's Pizzeria. You like racist pizza? Come on down to Vito's Powers.

Vito Powers got the best pizza for white people. Somebody bought it and gave it to me. Don't tell anybody. I'll be next door selling beef patties. I think the equivalent of being the gay guy who still goes to Chick-fil-A is being the Rasta guy who goes to Vito Power's pizzeria. You can't beat the tomato man. This sauce is robust.

I just can't get enough of these chicken biscuits. Oh, shit. All right. What do you got for us? What do I got in the mailbag? Why do you like killing kids? At This Comics Life says, has anyone given John shit for playing gay Randy on Futurama?

No. Nobody has ever given me shit. But the best part about playing gay Randy, or Randy, by Randy Munchnik, which he has a last name, is that there are gay people in the future. So anybody that thinks that gay people are going to... No, no.

They make it. They make it. Yeah. They make it, you dumb motherfuckers. Yeah, it's progress. We invite them. They weren't exterminated. Yeah, exactly.

Like you asshole people want them to be. Not us. Not you guys. It's so funny hearing liberal talking points with your accent. It's so funny hearing liberal talking points with your accent. You know what I mean? It's very, it's so good. Listen, just because I'm a liberal doesn't mean I can't fucking take a punch and give one out. So I'm not, I'm not, yeah. In fact, one time I got hit in the face twice by some guy and I looked at him and told him he punched like a girl.

I've never seen a man fucking more scared in his entire life. Oh, dude. And I was like, yeah, go ahead. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. You don't want any of this. There's no greater feeling than getting hit and looking at the person and then knowing it did not faze you. You feel like a thick Terminator at that point. You feel like fucking Bane.

Bam, bam. I just looked at him and went, you hit like a girl. Yeah. You want this? Because you get the body, what I would describe as Costco parking lot strong. You might not. You're not running a 440, you're not deadlifting 400, but you got the fucking muscle where it counts. In a close quarters, the shit went down scenario. You're the winner.

You'll polish off a neo-Nazi and polish off a buck 50 hot dog. That's goddamn right. Just eating a kielbasa and kicking those kids. Not to death. Away from an Indian. Good save. A non-fail kick to a child. Right in the sweet spot.

You want to let go of the boss but not do any permanent damage. It's like violent skee-ball. It's about aim, control, restraint. Oh my God. That's in the side of John's Tesla in cursive. Oh, God. Aim, control, restraint.

Yes. What do you got from Twitter? God. Yeah, we had a lot of people asking you what it was like fucking Marilyn Monroe. That's stupid. You guys are all hilarious. Joe DiMaggio, by the way, used to hit her.

And he was a real piece of shit. And I don't know if I'm related. I don't think I am. But maybe way, way, way, way down the road, DiMaggio is a very popular name in Sicily. Like Smith. Yeah. So, I mean, but maybe. His side of the, their side of the family was in the Bay Area.

And mine's from Brooklyn. I feel like every famous person, if you go back more than 20 years, it's like, oh yeah, but they secretly sucked. Every single person was terrible until 1983, we introduced the concept of human decency. Marilyn Monroe's true love was Arthur Miller. Oh yeah, and you're just like,

oh great, Simon and Garfield hunked Huff's jankum together. Thank you, BuzzFeed. The playwright? Yeah, they were married. I didn a good thing. Thank you, BuzzFeed. It was? The playwright? Yeah, they were married. Yeah, they were married, yeah. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. All right. Oh, man, I got to read more. Chickpea Trash wants to know, what animation company have you not worked for yet that you'd like to? What's on your wish list? This is kind of what I'm curious about

because you've done so much shit. I've done a lot of stuff. I'm happy with the stuff I'm doing. I don't have a wish list, really. I just like working, and that's all. Just kind of floating around? Just kind of, you know, just a hired gun, showing up, just like working, and that's all. Just kind of floating around? Just kind of, you know, just a hired gun, showing up, blowing up, splitting. That's it, you know.

I tell you one thing. I'd love to do some kind of a network television show. I don't care if it's a cop show or a sitcom or I don't care. It's going to be a cop show. It is. And you're somehow going to play the cop and the guy who did it. Oh, shit. Is that Ray Liana in the Chantix commercials that you're talking about?

Anyway. At Ray Dog on Instagram, ask S. John who his favorite person to riff with during sessions. Also, see if he can give you a bit of Barry White. Oh. Ah, this is Barry White. And Paul Quinn College cordially invites you this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, May 8th, 9th, and 10th, for the first fucking thing. Shit. I'm trying to cut a fucking spot, Tony.

Jesus. Hi, this is Barry White. And Paul Quinn College cordially reminds you this Friday, Saturday, and one more time again. Shit. Hi, this is Barry White. And Paul Quinn College cordially reminds me this Friday, Saturday, one more time again. Shit. Ah, this is Barry White. And Paul Quinn College, it just goes,

um, yeah, um, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the most beautiful outtake sessions.

Oh my God, he can't get it right and he just gets angrier and angrier and angrier and so beautiful. And when he says shit, when he fucks up,

he, shit! It's just like this, wah! Like it's like all the treble he pulled out of his voice normally comes out a backhand to the fucking grill yeah it's so awesome just like a flubber bazooka just that smooth but hard yeah nah but the people I like riffing with in the studio Tom Kenny is a fucking genius got spongebob yeah you Yeah. You know, I mean, he's done everything. But he's an old comic. Like, he came up, like, Bobcat Goldthwait is, like, one of his best friends.

Yeah, he was working in, like, the 80s. Yeah, 80s and the 90s and shit. And he was on Mr. Show. Like, he's fucking brilliant. Yeah, we got a lot of people asking, what's the creepiest fan in character? What's the most unsettling kind of, like, who crossed the line? And also, I think this is good to know, what's the creepiest fan in care? What's the most unsettling kind of like? Who crossed the line? And also, I think this is good to know, what's on your don't do?

If someone sees you at the Chipotle, what is something that you're like, please don't ask me to do that, you know? You know, it's just, I mean, people, sometimes people get excited and, you know, they want to give you a hug and it smells like yesterday's fucking mustard. And it's just like, yo, I can't. You're nothing in this town. You're yesterday's mustard, kid.

But no, I mean, listen, people are fine. I don't mind interacting with people that are fans of my work. It's totally fucking cool. It's fortunately and unfortunately sometimes part of the gig. Yeah. You know, it's not why I'm doing it, but, you know, it's a byproduct, and I know I have to be responsible for that, except on Twitter like an asshole. I'm so sorry, right-wing America. Actually, but, no, but, like, you know, I don't, weirdest encounter?

It wasn't even across the line because he was such a gentleman about it. There was a guy in New Zealand, his name is Ian, of course. And, you know. He asked me to fuck his wife. Yeah, no. Jesus. This really is the Mean Boys podcast. No, but he was just like, you know, I've got a couple of tattoos I want to show you, if you don't mind.

But, you know, I have to do it in private. And I was like, oh, okay. All right. And he's like, he proceeds to tell me that he got these two tattoos on his ass. One on each cheek. One is the professor and the other is Bender. Oh. And I actually posted it.

And he said, you want to see him kiss? And he started twerking. Oh, no. That would have been rough. But no, he just showed it. He just showed it. Well, it's funny that you mentioned that, by the way, because we did get a DM that said this.

This is from at Meaty Gonzalez. Hey, boys, I didn't want to post my bare ass for the Twitterverse, but I hope that the voice of Bender himself can see what his influence on society has been. And then they sent us a picture of that the voice of Bender himself can see what his influence on society has been. And then they sent us a picture of an ass tattoo of Bender. Really? Let me see it. I'm trying to get it to fucking come up. Do you have Wi-Fi? I do, yeah. It's in the Twitter DMs. I saw

somebody that wrote that somebody flashed their tits at me or something like that. Yeah, one of our fans said that his ex flashed their tits and yelled, we love you, Bender, at something. I didn't see their tits. I missed the tits, man. It must be on your Twitter because it's not on the Mean Boys. It does.

Okay. Because, yeah, I don't remember that one. But I've signed people's tattoos. Okay. Which is pretty funny. I didn't sign that guy's ass tattoo, though. You know, there was another. I mean, that's fair.

I mean, but one of them was the professor, and, you know, it said, good news, everyone. You're going to show us on the sky there. So funny. But, I mean, you know, tattoos are tattoos, and people are, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's what they're going to do. That was my science final.

I did a Bender mirror where you had to carve on a mirror with chemicals, you know, and I did Bender. Really? Laying down in the God episode, you know, and I was, yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I know. I should have brought it or something. Why the fuck didn you know, and I was, yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I know. I should have brought it or something. Why the fuck didn't you bring it, man? You dumbass.

Come on. Jesus Christ, you. I didn't want to be a dork about the whole thing, be like, I liked you a long time. Excuse me, comedy dad. Can you validate me? Give me specifically a big emotional moment because I deserve it and all of your energy and go home tired for your wife because you are connecting with me now. Just felt like a lot.

So if all your characters were on an island and there was a battle royale, you would win. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Honestly, if all my characters were on a deserted island, it'd be fucking Aquaman. Because Aquaman could surround the fucking... Yeah. He could surround the island. He's no longer on the island.

He can just leave, go to a Sbarro, and then come back and kill everybody. And then when he's everyone done with the killing, I've got slices. Does anyone want half a calzone? Vino Powers was close. Vino Powers was close. Vito Powers is outrageous. I also forgot. Aquaman likes my fucking pizza. Look at how Aryan he is.

Starting a new master race under the sea with Vito's Pizza. We've sponsored several local racist little league teams. I'm opening one in Atlantis. It's perfect. They can't swim. We're golden. So come out and see the Charlottesville Sluggers play in the big leagues.

Oh, my God. Oh, Christ. Yeah, and then Aquaman would show up and say, I forgot John did my voice, too. All right, we got just a couple voicemails from the people, and then we'll fucking release you to regret this. I got to hear if any of these voicemails or people are like,

This message is for John DiMegino. DiMegino. So this isn't really a question so much as a statement. Statement. Big fan, BTW. Clearly. Usually voice actors are ugly. That's why they're voice actors.

But you're very handsome, so you should do face stuff as well that's just a suggestion I'm sure you're very successful and rich you do what you want okay love you daddy I love you too daddy said your name wrong then talked about what a big fan he was DeMegino? They called everyone in your job field ugly and then called you daddy. Yeah, yeah. And then called me daddy and then said I'm probably rich.

I'm not rich. Fucking Jesus Christ. What a rollercoaster ride. You're kind of gay, kind of cunty. The whole Mean Boys fan base. I do like that his whole thing is like as though you'd never thought of it. Why don't you do face stuff? Which is what he calls acting.

Wait, you mean you can act like when they look at you? I've done, you know, it's funny because I've done, I do on-camera stuff. Yeah. That's why we met you. Yeah, I know. It's not as often as I'd prefer it to be, but it's often enough. Yeah, it's part of the job. It's part of the job.

Like, thank you, thank you, Papa. Yeah. You're welcome, son. Yeah, there's some shit coming out that I'm doing, so it's cool. we're doing a sketch with him but we had subway jared opens a new pita restaurant and uh oh yeah have you read your sides for that yet i know we're shooting it sunday oh god all right let's see who this guy is yeah hey john big fan here uh love your work quick question if you could fuck any of the characters you've voiced who would it be also

who do you think fucks the best slash the worst I feel like Bender probably fucks the best but you know I'll leave it up to you man

oh thanks did he just do a bong hit what the hell was that yes these are more coherent than normal we gotta be honest so the question was

who would I like any of the voices any of the characters was, who would I like to fuck? Any of the voices? Any of the characters I've played, would I like to fuck? And who fucks the best? Again, I feel like Aquaman. And a lot of them are just like, well, we know you're not gay, but you're gay now. So who are you going to fuck? Well, wow.

But Aquaman doesn't know his own strength. He's probably used to having sex with other powerful beings. But he is the wettest. You know? He's got super... He's probably used to having sex with other powerful beings. But he is the wettest. You know what? If I have to be... If I have to answer that question, I would have to say the, um, when Bender gets a sex change. Oh, good out. Oh, yeah. Good out, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Well done. Hail, hail, Rabonia. Land I didn't make up. Gross. You can't move sandalwood. A land I didn't make Gross You can't move sandalwood Nice And one more quickie

Do you know who that was? That was Tom Kenny Oh shit He's the other guy Every time you love him It's Tom Kenny Tom Kenny It's fucking brilliant

Yeah another Here we go Another Boston meet Leaving this from a Love's bathroom Danny, it's fucking brilliant. Fucking, yeah, another Boston meet-up. Hey, you boys, this is Jesus Medina. We're from Steambil, Texas. Leaving this from a Love's Bathroom. I always respected him, respected him and respected the voiceover community, but after I watched this movie, I know that voice, my respect just went even higher.

Oh, there you go. That movie has changed me so much, and I have more respect for the voiceover community than anything else. Could he say respect more? Even more than regular acting because it takes so much talent to convey emotion and the life and the characters that are animated. And I just want to say a big, big thank you to him and, like, everybody that loved Paulson, you know,

all of that kind. And I just want to say thank you. Yeah, all those assholes. Yeah, we got it. Thank you for that voicemail from our biggest fan, a ghost that lives in a tin can. No, thank you. Thank you, dude.

Thank you. That was very kind of you to say those very nice things. I saw you start to, like, lighten up. I appreciate it. Because you heard him say, I've always had respect for you. And you, dude. Thank you. That was very kind of you to say that very nice thing. I saw you start to lighten up. I appreciate it. Because you heard him say, I've always had respect for you. And here's what he says, not anymore because you said that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost thought that he was going to say something about it, but he didn't. That was pretty awesome.

Yeah, no, Hazes is a homie. Yeah, talk about, I know that voice a little bit because that was a really cool doctor. Still, yeah, it's, you know, it was funny because I was at, I was doing this thing. I was emceeing this music festival thing in Amsterdam. My buddy was shooting all of it, like concert footage and stuff like that. And he brought me on to just keep the... In between setups for bands to come up and just fucking hang out with the audience. Yeah.

And I started doing some stuff. I started doing Bender and shit like that. And I got off stage and I went to the audience. Yeah. And I started doing some stuff, like I started doing Bender and shit like that and, you know, and I got off stage and I went to the bar and it was at this great, this incredible rock club if you're ever in Amsterdam

called De Melkweg. Okay. Unbelievable. The Milky Way is what it's, and it's, but it's a bunch of different spaces and it's a great place to see a rock show

and it was like, you know, it was all like jam bands and shit like that and I went to great place to see a rock show and it was like you know it was all like jam bands and shit like that and i went to the bar to get to grab a beer after i put the band on and these four german tourists were standing there and they were like you are the voice of the robert bender yeah and i'm like yeah i'm like yeah dude how's it going they're like we are such big fans of futurama it's unbelievable I can't believe this this is so good and so like my buddy buddy who was shooting the stuff like getting all the he was

just like dude that's it's like that's insane that these people know who you are like it's a worldwide thing and and so we started talking about it and and um and uh we decided that we wanted to you know explore that and maybe shoot a documentary about voice actors. And I started to ask some of my peers to get involved and be interviewed. And a couple of the right ones said yes. And as soon as those people said yes, the fucking floodgates were open. We did 150 interviews, 160 hours. 160 hours edited down to 95 minutes.

Our editor, Brandon Saunier, was unbelievable. Yeah. And we did this movie, and it was all about everybody in the voiceover industry. And we released it a couple years ago. You can find it on iTunes, Amazon. I think there's a link on my now infamous Twitter page. We'll link to it in the show notes as well so you don't have to go support John's hate speech. Yeah, exactly.

Vito Powers Pizza, you motherfucker! But I can't believe Vito Power. Vito's Pizza. Vito Power's going to be a legend. That's such a fucking ridiculous... Can we pitch that as a cartoon? I think we might be able to. I think we might.

I've already written the pilot in my head while we've been doing this. There it is. That's it. But it turned out really well. We got Screwdriver back together for the theme song. I can't believe it. But we did it, and a lot of people love it. There hasn't been a movie like it made. No, yeah.

And so that's... Which is like so much of iconic pop culture that's in the American fabric. I mean, we got June Ferre. We interviewed June Ferre, who was the original voice of Rocky the Squirrel. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Amazing. She was granny, like the original granny with, you know, Mel Blanc.

Right. Like, I mean, it was just. You don't want to see that? Come on, people. You got to fucking watch it. Yeah, no, we got everybody. And there were some people that we didn't even get that I wish we did. And people were like, will you do a sequel?

I'm like, yeah, I'll do a sequel when I'm in the black. Yeah. When I'm in the black, we're doing a documentary. Buy the first one. I'll make a second one. Documentaries. There's not a big money thing in doing documentaries. Shit out another passion project. Work up some passion, John.

He made a direct-to-video documentary, then he went Hollywood. Oh, that's funny. This kid's on Amazon Streaming, thinks he runs the place. I tell you. But yeah, so that's, you know, so check it out. That's right, man. Yeah, if you're listening, check that shit out. Oh, man.

Dude, can't thank you enough for coming on. No, I thank you guys. I mean, after the past couple of days, it's really, really great to just laugh it up and be a little bit foul and, you know, just really stink up the joint with some good old laughs. I really appreciate it. I love that time. I love this. This was so much fun. That's awesome, man.

All right. Definitely. Thanks again, buddy. We're sitting around blowing each other. Everybody lean to the left and open wide. Mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock. Fuck everything. Bender is great.

Bender is great. Bender, Bender, Bender. Yeah. Bender is great. Andender, Bender, Bender. Yeah. Bender is great. And also, I'm God. Bite my shiny molasses, everybody. This has been the Mean Boys Podcast.

Fuck you. Put that on my fucking tombstone, everybody.