Mean Boys - EP 18 - Blah Blah Blah Joe's Asshole (feat. Kyle Clark)

Episode Date: May 6, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Follow this week’s guest Kyle Clark on Twitter (http://twitter.com/kyleclarkisrad / @kyleclarkisrad). This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Nixon Tapes”, “New Names”, “Which of the Following” with comic book characters. Our sponsors are “Dookalax” and the board game "Don't Get Raped". Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us questions and comments for the Mean Boys Mailbag at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Watch the new episode of Burn Booth with Connor and Keith (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1ehmxmuE9w) Watch Dino and The Spazz on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz3T5dmwWC8) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Joe Doss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a hipster Sasquatch. Hey! Welcome Kyle Clark to the bunker.

How's it going? It's going better now. I've never been a part of a Klan rally before. This is so exciting. You know what this is? You know how in the Wild West, the one woman in town is always the hottest chick, no matter just because of the scarcity? We've been slamming each other for 17 episodes with no fresh meat,

and now I'm like, oh, thank fuck. I can think of a slam that doesn't involve gay slurs or fucking, like, Cheetos in it. To be fair, both of those things are still accurate. Rest assured, Connor is still a faggot. Nothing has changed here. Kyle, you're like one of those bones they toss to pit bulls to sharpen their teeth on before they get leased. You're like a Kong toy, but full of comic books. I'm a trainer, bitch.

Oh, man. Well, Kyle had a busy day of shaving a beard in the shape of a chin, so it appears like he has one. I told you the truth. He's shapeless, I tell you. Shapeless. He's an amoeba, see? You goofy earthworm of a man. I'm a little bummed. I thought we had Steve Agee,

but I just didn't look that closely. That's how I get most of my gigs. Steve Agee type. And Kyle's like, oh, okay, the bat signal of chunky glasses and chunkier body types just fucking appears in the sky.

East Hollywood just shows up going, I heard you had work. And groan all the way through like The Walking Dead. Fucking zeros. Well, Kyle, do you want to introduce

our first segment? This is the Mexican Joke Off. Hi, so topical. On NPR with that fucking voice. I like it. Welcome to this Mexican joke-off. This week on the Mexican joke-off,

we're going to find out what Colombian coffee roaster has been using song to spice up his cups. A Florida man threw an alligator into a Wendy's drive-thru window. The employee responded by gifting him a bag of combos and a Kirkland sports drink and completed the traditional Florida greeting ceremony. Okay. All right.

In China, a woman's hair was torn from her head when she attempted to eat a rotating piece of corn off a power drill. Her friends commented that it was an innocent prank, saying, we are Chinese, we play joke, before promptly going pee-pee in the injured woman's Coke. She's dead. She died. She died for this. She was a woman in China.

She was dead a long time ago. She left a wake of sorrow, I tell you. Broken dreams, like. They have corn in China now. You know how Kyle knew that didn't turn into a My Mom joke? I was very careful to not bring one of those. When I heard that, I was like, oh, me and Kyle look at the same gifts. A seven-year-old boy who was growing out his hair to donate to Locks of Love

has been diagnosed with stage four cancer. He says his deepest regret was wishing to be a good person on that monkey's paw. I was trying to do that with a vision board thing, but I like monkey paws. Always funnier. 49 species were added to the endangered list this week. Included were the yellow-footed wallaby, the condamine dragon lizard, and the North American black teenager. A study by the University of Gothenburg found that hormones released during hunger

can radically alter decision-making skills. Keith Carey is obese. It's funny because it's true. He didn't even try to bring up Keith Carey's Tinder in the last week. It was just... Getting to see Keith's face and his head on a swivel as you guys do this, that's truly a special experience. All that needed was more at 11.

This is a two-parter. The scientific research vessel, the Richard Attenborough, was just commissioned this week, despite being the public campaign for the ship to be called Bodie McBoatface. Meanwhile, the boat was sad that no one asked what name it wanted, which would have been David Boaty. Now, I knew that reaction would happen, which is why I decided to mean boys it up. So the new punchline is, meanwhile, the boat is sad. No one asked what name he wanted.

Cunt cut. Keith is fat. Jizz all over Connor's mouth while he's sleeping. That joke was a feint. We took the decoy army and they got flanked that's my inflatable tank joke this is like fighting the mongols on the step i know oh they're retreating let's chase them then they just come around over the hills like watching you try to do this because you're such a squishy positive you literally have a podcast where you appreciate things like it's like you know those

big like rock concerts where they have like everybody comes on stage and jams, and you're like, what's that dude from The Cure doing next to Willie Nelson? This doesn't fit at all, Kyle. That's the title of my next record. You can tell Connor's listening to some Dan Carlin on his drive up to his cafeteria gigs. Magic mushrooms are now legal in New Mexico. The state says it hopes to increase tax revenue, decrease the prison population, and give the residents of the state something to look at for once in their goddamn lives. It's a terrible

place. Let's do this one. A college football player who was shot in the head was declared legally brain dead this week. Doctors said his total lack of brain activity was similar to that of patients exposed to the This Is Rad podcast. Yeah! Welcome to the bunker, fuckface.

I thought that would be meaner. Yeah. I didn't spend that much time on you. It's kind of soft. I wrote it on the bus. You did. On the bus. You're going to write your living will on the bus

and you're going to fucking collapse from a fat stroke. I'm going to give away my eight cents on my last rap. You're going to get your Slammin' Me for being uncreated. Collapse from a fat stroke? I dread it. You're going to die from a fat stroke. I'm going to give away my eight cents. Oh, you're giving it to me for being uncreated. Collapse from a fat stroke? I enjoyed it. Yeah, you're going to die from a gay AIDS. Jesus. I think it's your turn.

My jokes are overwritten. All my jokes are underwritten. I can't win with you, cunts. Anyway. CIA officials claim a whistleblower was fired for using profane language in her emails. Her supervisor claimed she was being a real see you in Guantanamo next Tuesday. The number of teens being treated for poisoning is on the rise due to a new trend

in drinking e-cigarette liquid. Parents are concerned about the rise of teen boys willfully drinking poison, but some of us are just feeling nostalgic for sucking 80s New York AIDS dick. I liked it. A Scottish man has been arrested for posting a video of him teaching his girlfriend's pug to do a Nazi salute.

He also taught the dog to sit, shake, and fetch his boots and braces. You've got a story about a Nazi puppy. That's the most mean voice I've ever heard. Really? That should be our calendar, like 12 months of fucking like evil regime puppies. A woman who received a face transplant after being mauled by a chimp is in the hospital as her body is rejecting the botched transplant. Another case of the system failing an ape victim. Me and Kyle are just going to laugh at each other's shitty jokes. I have a friend now.

You can't hear it, but I'm laughing very hard at Ape Victim. The Pentagon classified the U.S. bombing of an Afghani hospital as part of a surgical strike. In other news, the San Bernardino murderers claim they were just shooting their coworkers in email. That's like a Ziggy shooting joke. You reference Ziggy so much yeah this is really arch rival really we have the same body type i like he's funny i like to think of our podcast as more of an x-rated family circus yeah the i didn't do it ghost is what happens when you guys have to answer for your episode it's like it's like marmaduke but instead of a clumsy uh dog it's

the cruel hand of god playing in our world. Speaking of God, a man dressed as Jesus was removed from an Apple store this week. While the scene was criticized by some evangelical groups, it was actually revealed to be a viral marketing campaign for Apple's new ad campaign, Suck Our Dick Jesus, Apple is Your New God, Long Live the New Flesh. Mother's Day marked the most violent weekend in Chicago in seven months. One grief counselor remarked as he wiped a tear from a grieving woman's cheek, how can you be having a bad Mother's Day? You're not a mother anymore.

Oh, shit. Mercy. Actress Jamie Lee Curtis opened up to the media about her past drug addiction, saying, quote, it got so bad I was sucking my own dick for heroin. She's famous for Maphrodite. All right, one more take off. You guys have a good one. It's too bad theyrodite. All right, well, I'm going to take off. You guys have a good one. It's too bad they canceled the showbiz show with David Spade.

That would have been great. Five 100-year-old residents of a New York assisted living facility are refusing to vacate their homes after an eviction notice. Hollywood plans to make a film about the event called Dog Day Afternoon Nap. You know, it just sucked when yours went out, and I'm like, mine's gonna bob even harder. Don't worry, guys, that's what I'm here for. Make you guys look good. Go sacrificial lamb! In India, sexual

assault has become such a problem that cell phone manufacturers are insisting all phones have a rape button that instantly connects them to the nearest police. Misunderstanding the function of the button, thousands of fraternities around the country have demanded refunds. One man stated, I thought it was like Uber, but for when you're not

and somebody has to sleep from all the pills and shit. That is what Uber's for. Wait, how have you been using it? Can I explain what just happened? That was a miracle. Kyle just had like a long, lazy fucking fly over the wall

and then Joe jumped in and saved it. Oh my god. Yeah, you like alley-ooped it to him. A lesbian Pennsylvania high school student was thrown out of prom for wearing a tuxedo, not a dress. She claims the school is homophobic, while ironically discriminating against someone based on their outfit is the gayest thing you can do. I saw this story. She looks just like Connor, by the way. She really does. I didn't think about

it, but yeah. Like, what if I had a good complexion? Is that the joke? Lesbians have better taste in formal wear than you. I got one more. I have one more as well. Feminists of Twitter are raising awareness of non-physical abuse using the hashtag, maybe he doesn't hate you.

Men's rights activists responded with hashtag, well, maybe we should. I thought you had one more. What's the joke? Whoa! Easy now. Adele married two gay fans on stage at a show recently.

Seeing two queens and a fat lady standing together on stage really got me excited to be a guest on the Mean Boys podcast. You got one! When did we put

the confetti in the ceiling? Kyle, you got a marching band. You shouldn't have. Ramsey, put your dick away! Hey, sorry, guys. I like energy drinks. Some man in a tuxedo is putting a tiara on him. It just feels good to win once.

Is that your sophomore album? That is it for the Mexican Joke Out, fellas. We will be right back after a word from our sponsors. Hey, Cindy, you're looking a little down in the dumps. Well, that's because I haven't taken a shit in a week, and I've tried yogurt, fiber supplements. I've tried everything. Is your butthole blocked up tighter than a virgin's cunt?

Try Ducalax. Ducalax is fast-acting on gastrointestinal systems. But what makes Ducalax different? Well, have you ever wanted a little gnome with a skeleton key to unlock your butthole? I, I, I, well, I mean, I've never thought about it like that. I can't say I've ever thought about a gnome

unlocking my butthole with a magical skeleton key so I can poop, but now it's all I can think about. The best part is that this key is from an actual skeleton. It really is true what they say. Once you've had a gnome jam a magical key up your butt before you shit all over him, you never go back.

Duke Relax. So good, you'll feel like you're shitting on a gnome. The following is an excerpt from Richard Nixon's White House tapes. Growing increasingly paranoid throughout his second term as president, Richard Nixon recorded a number of conversations occurring in the Oval Office for hours, even days at a time. The following is an excerpt from one such conversation between Nixon, U.S. Ambassador to NATO Donald Rumsfeld, and Chief of Staff H.R. Halderman.

Let's look at Northern California. You understand. You know what I'm saying. You know what San Francisco is just overrun with, but it isn't just the ratty part of town. The upper class in San Francisco is all that way. The Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time, but it is just the faggiest goddamn thing you could ever imagine. That San Francisco crowd is just terrible. I mean, I won't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco.

Right, right. It's just all over the damn country. The other day, I tried to turn on a ball game, and they put on this show about this guy. Arch is his name. All in the family is the show? Right, right, right. And they have this magnificent, handsome guy on there, and the guy, Arch, he's just a hard hat who looks like a slob all the time.

And the handsome guy is saying he's a homosexual, and the guy, Arch, is going, I don't know, and I thought, is this what the a homosexual, and the guy arches going, Oh, I don't know. And I thought, is this what the people are watching? Right, right. I tell you, it was the second faggiest goddamn thing you could ever imagine. And then I'm watching outside the Rose Garden, and they're having some civil rights Vietnam protest,

and these two gentlemen are queer, and not offensively so, but they start kissing right in the middle of some long-haired speech. My God. As if that's got anything to do with Vietnam. That had to be the third faggiest goddamn thing you can imagine. So that's the order, sir? What do you mean?

Those three faggy things you mentioned. That's the order from most to least faggiest. Well, I don't know. Haldeman! Haldeman, get in here! Yes, Mr. President. What would you say is the faggiest goddamn thing you could ever imagine? Sir? The faggiest goddamn thing you could ever imagine? Sir? The faggiest goddamn thing you can imagine!

Well, sir, I'd say a fighter jet spraying napalm over a Viet Cong encampment, but instead of napalm, it's semen, sir. And it turns the canopy jungle pink, sir. That's pretty goddamn faggy. Alderman. Yes, Mr. President. I want you to go type out a report of the eight faggiest goddamn things you can imagine and have it on my desk by 0600 tomorrow.

Thank you. Yes, sir. I know this sounds extreme, Remy, but I understand homosexuals just like I understand whores. We all know people go to whores. People have weaknesses. We understand that. But goddamn it, I don't want television in this country to rile the homosexuals up to go spray semen all over the Jews.

That'll just drive them further over to the pinkos. They're never going to be able to get the semen out of their kinky hair anyway, and they're prone to complaining in the first place. Right, right. I mean, you get semen into a Jew's hair, and Lord knows when you're going to hear the end of it. That's just what the hippies want, eh? More Jew money. Exactly! It's fatal liberality, Rummy. Look what happened to the Catholic Church.

We all know until the 12th, 11th century or so, they were all banging the nuns. Yes, of course. But after that, it's a matter of documented fact that the Popes and the Cardinals were shipping Negroes up from Tunisia for the purposes of sodomy. I guess that's the faggiest goddamn thing you can imagine. It actually happened, Rummy! And we all know

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... ... ... ..................... Just ravaged by turgid Negro members. And welcome back. The Mean Boys Podcast is back, everybody. And it's time for another beloved segment, New Names. It's time for New Names.

New Names. Yeah. I remember. I think you called all the things new. Yeah. Mustering excitement. Alright, I'll start us off this week. New name for

Joe Dosh in drag, Mrs. Croutfire. That's awesome. I can see you just actually using that. I'm going to go ahead and tag on that new name for Joe Dosh when he gets a little racist, the Grand Jizzard. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. What, no Keith's mom jokes?

Like five Joe jokes? Kyle, you want to make it a hat trick here? Actually, no. I actually cut out my only big Joe joke. That's a shame. It was an unused Mexican joke. Well, those two were phenomenal. I don't think they could be topped.

The tag was just blah, blah, blah, Joe's asshole. Well, we have an episode title. Kyle, you're home. Switching gears a little bit. Thongs for lesbians will now be known as ukulele strings. A soup plantation will now be called Saves Plansoupshin. Slaves Plansoupshin. Slaves Plansoupshin. Nope.

Slaves. Nope. Don't do my thing where you just say it a bunch of times. A Newark County landfill. I want to throw that joke in the Newark County landfill. All right, guys. New name for the cure, the insane frown posse. A lot of cure references. Just take it on the cure. I just got the cure the insane frown posse. A lot of cure references.

Just taking on the cure. I just got them on the brain. I didn't get my heart broken. You guys got your hearts broken. New name for adult skateboarders puberty cosplayers. I like that. That's really good.

New names is my favorite segment. I agree. Butt plugs will now be known as father's love duct I enjoy that one. That is very good. New Names is my favorite segment. I agree. Butt plugs will now be known as Father's Love Duct Tape. Oh, fuck! Wow. Holy shit. La La Bajo's asshole. Clawfoot bathtubs will now be called Faggot Showers. We're homophobic in Nixon.

Kyle said faggot with the tentative... Did I do good eyes? Because I choked on the word cunt, so I wanted to be confident about one slur today. I just want to say, when you said that somewhere, like Chris Hardwick had heart palpitations, he's like, what? No, my empire's darkness is encroaching on my realm.

This could be the Nixon tape that tears it all down. This is my version of a sex tape No people listen to the Nixon tape We harmonized our disdain for you New name for the Baz Pro Shop KKK Mart New name for Prince rest in peace David Jigabowee

That one was more offensive than it was funny. They're not all winners. I can maybe top on it. Is that a new name for Keith's album? I can maybe top it. That's over 20 copies. Nice. I can maybe top it on offensiveness, though.

Do it. Particularly ugly transgendered people will be known as wiener dogs. Yeah. I'm not keeping them in my purse. I'll tell you that right now Nerds will now be known as The new worst group of n-words I like watching Connor hold it in

Just holding back love Okay let's bring ourselves together By agreeing that testicles will now be called Brovaries I can't wait for science in a decade The metro blueicles will now be called brovaries. I can't wait for science in a decade. The Metro Blue Line will now be called the Masturbating Hobo Torpedo. I thought that was

slightly underrated. The worst Walt Whitman poem. He said it with a flourish. Anyway, marijuana will now be known as College Sophomore Eternity Potion. I don't like that. I don't. Keith Carey's Forever Nat, now available on iTunes, will now be called that thing Cotter McSpadden's friend did.

Ooh. Ooh. Exceptional. Fucking. I get one around, guys. Fuck. Flawless victory. Let's high five closer to the mic.

I don't know how I could ever follow that. Outstanding. I think senior citizen webcam models should be called indentured servants. Should have ended on Kyle. So clever. Okay, how about the Bang Bros are now called the Joint Chiefs of Shaft? Better. There it is.

I don't have another one. Okay. Mother's Day cards will now be known as Disappointment Insurance. All right. Not bad. I got the new name segment will be called Fast Forward Until the Podcast Gets Funny Again. Wow. Wow.

Kyle, you know what? You dipped your toe in in the Mexican joke and then you just dive right in for new names. Wow. I can't tell you how many times I was like, I can't just write all of these shitting on people nice enough to have me on their podcast. Yes, you can. That's the whole deal, bro. Here's the thing. You'll say hurtful things about the three of us, so you'll leave this bunker at once.

Good day. Nice enough to have you. Kyle, you're in a basement full of Gundam posters, and nobody's going to hear this. And we started an hour late. Sorry. Okay, well, I think it's time for some other shit. Hey, kids. We've got a new board game that's cool and educational.

It's great for the whole family. Get ready for your new favorite game, Don't Get Raped. The high-speed adventure that pits you against a nightmarish gauntlet of sexual trauma and fun! All right! Wait, what? Roll the dice to move up the board towards finish, but look out because there's trouble at every turn. Five, six, seven, what's the card say? You had too many wine coolers at your cousin's wedding and the DJ got aggressive.

Move back one space for every inch of your skirt above the knee. Aw, rats. Your turn. I got 12! Uh-oh. Chad decided he wanted to be more than friends and you didn't get to the door in time. Go directly to jail just kidding the police don't believe you.

Five cool tokens to play as. The late night Uber, the defective safety whistle, the communion wafer, your ex-boyfriend's 311 CD, or sketchy Uncle Dave. You made it to court. Can you tell the attorneys who raped you? It was... It was... Oh, I got it!

It was the lacrosse team in the locker room with the coach's permission. I win! No, you sent a nude picture to somebody eight years ago. You automatically lose. What? And they're countersuing. But I... And they know where you live.

That's not fair. It's more than fair. It's fun. What's all that racket? I keep getting raped. That's because for all our so-called evolution, we are sexually cavemen, still trapped in an endless cycle of violence and abuse that subjugated the female population into a state of perpetual slavery.

But on the plus side, without rape, we wouldn't have you! Mom! Don't get raped! Available now for Milton Cosby Games! On sale anywhere, anytime, no matter how safe you feel! Suitable for ages 10 and up, but also under 10 because God has abandoned us. And Mean Boys is back, and I think it's time to close out the show as we always do with a game of Witch of the Following! Yay!

I'm handling Witch of the Following this week in honor of our good friend Kyle Clark, who records his podcast at Meltdown Comics here in Los Angeles. We are reviewing Witch of the Following with retarded-ass comic book characters. Yeah! These are some of the stupidest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. The answer is they're all terrible. You know, we get a little bit blue on this show, but I don't appreciate you using the R word, Keith. Rape?

There's so many R words you guys use that are hot button topics. You guys are ridiculous. Reginald raped the retarded Rita. Reginald raped retarded. Well, that's... New name. I put in a T for the...

Reginald raped the retarded Rita. Like, Reginald, the fancy man, sexually assaulted a retarded woman named Rita. Well, good thing we went down this rabbit hole. Round one. We were talking about comic books. Round one. Which of the following is not a real comic book character? Condiment Man, Captain Coconut, Colonel Crime, Codpiece.

These are all just things you own. He has a little mustard action figure that he sprays with his food when he's sad. Those are aborted Tinder names for Keith, guys. No, what's the... Use your real name on Tinder, you dumb shit. I've always had people who love me. Oh, fuck. Not in this room, you don't.

Welcome to Sad Boys. It's fun watching you guys deteriorate because there's a witness who's not dead inside. We lose steam when there's hope here. I know. I'm sorry, let me put this light out. Fuck you, Goodwiz. We're trying to do fucking witch shit here.

I don't need people in here reminding me of the possibility of joy. Get your dumb hopeful shit away from our culture. It's like The Stand. I'm just showing that good can win over powerful evil. Stop shitting in the hate punch. Get out of here. You're fucking up murder prom. So, yeah.

I'm Kyle Clark from This Is Rad Podcast. You can say cunt and faggot and still be the best guy in a room. The more you know. Alright guys, I'm saying murder prom is fake. I'm gonna say condiment man. I am too.

What were B and C? Captain Coconut and Colonel Crime. I'm going to say Colonel Crime. Your fake name is Colonel Crime. I'm going to say Colonel Crime. Your fake name is Colonel Crime. Bitch. Condiment Man is a Batman villain. Real dumb one. God, I hate things I like. Well, strap in because we have four more rounds of this bullshit. You know, I'm really going to relish

my victory in that round. Oh, man. I hate things I like. You guys are going to need to catch up. Yeah, maybe you can catch up to traffic and throw yourself in front of it, you fucking worthless pile of garbage. Hey, your fucking tits look like they're made of mustard. Dope. Round two. It feels like you guys are moaning in my head.

Dope. Round two. They don't even look each other in the eye when they say it anymore. It's like that scene in House of Cards where Claire's like, I want you to fuck me hard, Frank. I want you to joke me off. I want you to fuck me, Francis. I want you to be rough with me. Wait.

I've never seen you and that bitch in a room the same size. I'm willing to let Keith's baby wither and die inside of him. And not get passed behind some fucking sausage feces. Oh, I thought you were going to say at the comedy store. Okay, Claire Underbite.

This has just become hate gumbo Like this is not a guarantee This is what the people want Kyle, you show them the waters If you showed us a little bit of love We're like, fuck this Kill it! We just broke out in fucking roast hives

Fuck it in the ribs! Round two That's the story of Easter We're only in round two Round two, God help's the story of Easter. We're only on round two. Round two. God help us all. Armless Tiger Man, The Buffalo Soldier,

Mystery Ape, or Dog Welder? Dog Welder? Is he a dog who welds or like he welds dogs to buildings? Isn't Mystery Ape what Carnot calls Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Yes! Okay, goodbye! Bye, Carnock. Connor didn't say the bad thing. Carnock did. He says all my bad things. I'm problematic! It's nice to have a skateboard.

You know, like how society uses you? Yeah. Carnock says all the bad things I say about my classmates. Go through them one more time. Armless Tiger Man, The Buffalo Soldier, Mystery Ape, Dog Welder. Mystery Ape sounds like something Keith would make up. Yeah. That sounds like some Keith makes some upsy words together.

I would say, I'm thinking Mystery Ape. Keith got fucking hired to write the Mystery Ape treatment by CAA today, and he's just being tight-lipped about it. This is his way to drop his dick on the table. We're in talks with Jack Black. I'm going to say D and Don Cheadle. It's Dog Welder, not Don Cheadle. I know what you meant.

I'm going to say Dog Welder. Are you guys all in agreement on Mysterio? I'm going to say Dog Welder. What about Cheetos? What about them? Oh, you really meant that. You about Cheetos? What about them? Oh. Oh, you really meant that. You thought we said Don Cheeto?

I thought there was like... Connor, you're so pretty. Oh, my God. It's a good thing you're cute. I was thinking it was a racist joke about a black actor. Oh. Oh, Don Cheeto. Don Cheeto.

It'll never wash away. Well, you're all wrong. The answer was the Buffalo Soldier. Really? Really? What about the Dreadlock Roster? The one who was kidnapped from Africa? Stolen from Africa. Thank you.

Round three. I forgot who has the Gundam posters. We all have them now. A group project. Round three. Professor Chainsaw, Turner D. Century, The Hypno-Hustler, or Matter Eater Lad? Turner D. Century sounds like a black exploitation comic from the 70s.

Matter Eater Lad is for sure real. Like, I know that one because... You shouldn't share that with us because you're trying to win. Is that what's happening here? Is that how this works? I don't know. I've been listening to this episode, this show, for 15 episodes. We've never kept score, have we?

No one's ever won, least of all the audience. Winning is not how this show works. Go through them again. Professor Chainsaw, Turner D. Century, The Hypno-Hustler, or Matter Eater Lab? I've got to say Professor Chainsaw. That's like some Keithy words. It's like he looked down at one of his three shirts and was like, Chainsaw Massacre. Yeah.

That's accurate. Professor Chainsaw is the fake one. These are all just names for your dick that you made more of in the book. By the way, Turner D. Century is a villain from Captain America who just wants to turn America into like 1930. It's literally Joe Dodge.

Yeah. There's still room in the MCU for you. Round four. I like America better when it's unreconstructed. By the way, check out Keith's dick on Twitter. It's Donald Trump. It's out there now. You know when you drop a canned ham, the first out of the can?

It slides down. Yeah, you all run around dropping hams and whatnot. Who eats canned ham? Neither of you make sense right now. Who eats canned ham? Round four. I've been bombing my lettuce at this. Round four.

He-She, Pie Face, Greedy Gonzalez, Egg Fu, the Oriental Mastermind. Oh, my God. These all sound like things Marvel's desperately trying to burn. Get him in the vault. We never had a character called He-She. We have always been at war with Eurasia. The Ministry of Political Correctness. Hmm.

I can't believe that just happened. You guys can't see it at home, but we all put a pipe into our mouths every single time. This is the most delirious episode of this show we've ever recorded. Oh, fuck. Same again. God damn it. He, she.

Sorry, I lost it. He, she. Pie face. Greedy Gonzalez. Egg food. The Oriental Mastermind. I'm going to say Greedy Gonzalez just because of potential copyright issues with Looney Tunes. Yeah, I would agree.

I'm sort of in the same boat on that. I mean, like, part of me is like Pie Face, but I feel like that could be a real garbage Batman villain. Hey, Kyle, you have a podcast, right? Sometimes. On this podcast, do you talk into the microphone? Not usually. Oh, well, maybe try that for art. Normally, we have microphones that are not attached to a card table that slowly drifts around in a basement.

You know what? We're not one of your big city podcasts. We're just a simple country podcast. No nerd melts, no ratitudes, no exposure, no fans from my podcast. No stips.com ads. We're getting real shitty. The one person who ever got here when I was a kid. My favorite ongoing game when I listen to your show is any time my podcast comes up and you guys have neither heard of it nor that when half of our listeners came from my podcast.

No, I'll never listen to it. I respect that. As a man who I imagine just listen to it. I respect that. As a man who I imagine just looks at podcasts and goes, that's for the week. It's part of your phrenology. Is there one about animals dying? These podcasts lack the will to power. I'm going to go Greedy Gonzalez. The answer is Greedy Gonzalez.

Okay. The one that looked like a bootleg character would be on a sweatshirt in the 90s. Yeah, it's like the... It's Speedy Gonzalez with dollar signs. You get it. And last one, round five, all real or all fake. Major Rager, Mecha Hitler, the Ding Dong Kid, Didgeridoo. All real.

Didgeridoo. I'm going to say all real, yeah. I'm going to say all fake. All fake. Yeah. Oh, Didgeridoo. What the fuck? It hurts that that was not a, yeah. I'm going to say all fake. All fake! Oh, Jury Doom! What the fuck? It hurts that that was not a...

Yeah. Mecha Hitler's from a sketch. Is it? Yeah. Oh, there actually is a comic where the Justice League fights a robot Hitler. He just is called something else. Robot Hitler comes up a lot when you're reading through comics. I mean, you love robots, you love Hitler.

Yeah. You do what you love. Yeah. Well, all right, guys. That was a great Witch of the Fallen. That was outstanding. I think... Oh, by the way, we forgot to mention, a great Witch of the Fallen. That was outstanding. By the way, we forgot to mention, watch the first Mean Boys video sketch.

Dino and the Spaz on YouTube. Right now, listen to Kyle's shit. We have a new segment. Dull yourself with Kyle's dreck. Back to you. If you guys need some palate cleanser in between good podcasts,

Which ones are you talking about? Because it's for sure not this one. You made it weird. Oh, that's where you went? So many podcasts exist. Can you just name the first one I thought of, bro? You fucking sheep. That's what you did to this fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I did.

But you're dumb instead of me. Did you show the premise of your own show? You know what? See, I mean without it having to be one-liners. It's just organic moments. I'm actually going to pull up an iTunes review from someone who listened because of Kyle's show.

Was brought here by This Is Rad several weeks ago. These guys are seriously funny. If you think apples to apples and cards against humanity are a fun time. We're as funny as Grandma's Thanksgiving. I know. I was about to say, can you stop listening if you're right? Yeah.

I'm on fire. I mean, it really hurts to hear the truth sometimes. I heard that and I was like, oh, God, is that what I am? How many stars did they leave? Five. Yeah. That's what it feels like to be a cunt, you three. You know, we all know Robin Tran, our friend.

In the review of the Nice Boys podcast, she said, I hate that your joke terrible episode is something I would actually listen to in real life. A lot of people told me they genuinely enjoyed Nice Boys. Oh, I know. And it's too bad that we can only muster the fucking intestinal fortitude to do it once a year. You can hear how upset you guys are the whole time. You're like three muzzled dogs mumbling into microphones. Well, yeah, the after the credits scene is literally us

being all upset about it. Here's an email. First time, long time. Choose your favorite band slash artist and title their erotic fan fiction. Bonus question. Would you rather get a handjob from your mom or an amazing handjob from your mom? Joe, swap out mom with

dad. Loyal dick pig, Robert. If I got a handjob for my father I wouldn't need to do comedy I'll tell you that right now Hey thanks for the email Robert Well my favorite band slash artist As everyone knows is Kanye West And I think if I had to title his erotic fan fiction

It would probably be my beautiful dark twisted fantasy No one talk. You let him sit in that silence. You took the premise of my thing. Band is Green Day. Title stays Dookie. What's the name of your novelty band from high school? Oh.

General Discord. General Discord. I can't. It must have that much enthusiasm to keep talking about it. General Discord fucks a bunch of guys because he's a lame gay guy. general discord I can't it must have that much enthusiasm to keep talking about it uh I don't know general discord fucks a bunch of guys cause he's a

lame gay guy fuck me in the ass watch I totally forgot the question yours is Tommy Dorsey in a hot night

on the jazz town there you go favorite uh yours is does it involve flagpole dancing no yours is a felching whatever guy wrote Triumph of the Will.

Oh! Oh! Fucking Lenny Reif and Stahl walks in and kills my boner. Fucking frown, ugly frown. Ludwig von Stretch my asshole. Okay, well... The handjob question, by the way. The answer is an amazing handjob.

I think, yeah. Go big or go home. You know, my mom listens to the show. So, yeah, mom. Give it to me. I don't know. Can I have that isolated and said to me? Here's my thing.

If it's amazing, it'll be over quicker. Right? I didn't feel good when you said that about your mom. I wanted to be good at things. I wanted to succeed. Well, I mean, she kept feeding herself for like a good two decades. My mom did a lot of heroin. You think she doesn't know her way around a dick?

The darkest part is the key scenario is the most viable of all of these. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go fuck my mom. Okay. What have we done? I think... So, Joe, this is something one of his friends wrote.

Oh, yeah, right, right. This is from my friend Andy Russo in Boston, Montana. He posted a picture of his adorable baby goat that his goat just birthed, and he said, My baby goat, Arturo, has been rejected by the mother. I've been bottle feeding him, being his mom. He is also a Mean Boys fan now. She stepped on him multiple times at birth in the day so or after

and had three boys, so she was not concerned that he had no nipple access. She needs a third nipple. So we have one fan and it's a hungry, retarded goat? Name key. I mean... I deserve more. Thank you.

Sure did. All right. You know, you... I was born in this style. You merely adopted it. All right. I was born in this style. You merely adopted it. Alright, and the last question that we have here. Dear Mean Boys,

I've just got out of an abusive relationship that lasted for three years. She did everything she could to make me feel small and insecure. She belittled me in front of friends and in private. It was humiliating. Now she's begging me to get back together. We shared a tender moment in the backseat of my suburb. She promised to change, and I feel closer to her than ever.

But I'm still terrified she'll start abusing me again. To be honest, though, I'm even more terrified no one else will love me in any capacity ever again. I guess my question for you guys is this. What's your favorite method of forced abortion? Do you know how bad that one is? Oh, no, no, no. Hey, Connor, what does Joe's blood taste like? And then he's just behind him.

Thanks, mean boys. Signed, love takes a flight of stairs. My favorite forced abortion is, I remember I was watching a Penguin documentary, and you know how the fathers have to keep it under their little fat pouch? Sometimes they'll just let the baby go and slide out into the ice and freeze because they don't want to take care of it.

I do the same thing with snacks I'm hiding under my belly sometimes. Oh my God. I got them in the pouch. They keep warm in the Antarctic chill. It's like a water bottle and you don't see a trash can so you just look around and just drop it.

I like how Keith can microwave hot pockets on himself. All right. Well, that's it for the... Oh yeah, should we actually give him relationship advice oh no no i mean yeah bro if you want to be abused keep writing in i mean yeah man if that's what makes you feel loved that you've that we found you got it right here yeah we'll hurt you okay all right i don't know what the fuck's going on here. Let's wrap it up. We got plugs? Yeah. Everybody, yeah, watch Dino and the Spaz.

If you like it, give it a share. We're all, I think, pretty proud of it. Yeah, it's our first video sketch. We're going to be doing more, you know, someday. And listen to the show. You're already doing that. You're plugging the podcast on your own podcast. I know, dude.

I'm out of it. You had like 40 dates at cafeterias across California last week. I'm at the South Point of Vegas this week. There we go. Just so you can come to that. Don't say that with pride. He didn't. Did I not sound defeated enough?

Not for me. Friday, May 13th, I'll be at Mint on Card Comedy in Burbank. It's Jeff May's show. Saturday, I'll be at AdultCon in Los Angeles filming with the Self Indulgent Podcast crew. And then next Friday the 20th, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. And then Saturday the 21st,

I will be at the Upright Citizens Brigade Franklin as part of the Tournament of Nerds. So come check that out. I think the week after that, we're both at the Madhouse together. Nope. The 20th is me and you at the Madhouse. Okay. What do you got, Jay? On the 24th is me and you at the Madhouse. Okay, yeah. So, yeah.

What do you got, Joe? Cool. On the 24th, I am roast battling Earl Skakel at the World Famous Comedy Store. That's going to be good. Yeah, you suck, Pity Pass. Go fuck yourself. I've got so many of these are not worth promoting, but I'm going to go with this Saturday, May 14th, I'm on Horrible Movie Night, which is my favorite show at Meltdown.

That's a good time. And then starting May 27th through fucking whenever we're finally killed, Keith and I are on the Black Rainbow Tour. Yes. Going up from Los Angeles all through the most terrifying parts of California and then up towards Seattle. Nice. And then I'm at the Laughing Skull Festival the week after that. And then I have a podcast called This is Rad. Hello, my listeners who are also listening to this.

Hello to me and Keith's favorite listener of both podcasts who is a high school kid who was like, man, that's my senior week. I'm going to be shithouse drunk listening to that Mean Boys. I'm like, you are exactly our prime partner. We support you, delinquent. Hey, Mean Boys is meant to be enjoyed while brownbagging and hiding it from your parents.

Oh, for sure. And then I have a sketched short film that I'm really proud of called Where Dick that went up that Keith is actually in. You guys, anybody, including you guys, if you ever want to see Keith get murdered by a werewolf penis. I mean, we've seen it happen a lot. We've seen it happen spiritually enough. This is Rad YouTube page.

But, yeah, so this is rad podcast where dick on YouTube and you can follow me on Twitter at Kyle Clark is rad yeah Kyle you know I think you're great on the show we really like you

this is a good time this is a show if I can come back sometime hopefully do better next time you were awesome hopefully we will too

that was a fucking fever dream of an episode you make a fucking amazing podcast and I'm so proud of all three of you. You guys do amazing work. You're three of my favorite comedians. I love that you've used your powers for what's the opposite of good and making the world a better place.

I mean, not even evil. Evil has a... We're more just like chaos. Just contemptible chaos. I like to think of us as lawful evil. Well put. Well put. You fucking nerd. Fuck us as lawful evil. Well put. Well put. All right.

You fucking nerd. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yay! Hail Satan. Yay!